Skip to main content

Full text of "Punch"

See other formats 


LONDON : 

PUBLISHED     AT     THE     OFFICE,     85,     FLEET     STREET, 


AND   SOLD   BY   ALL   BOOKSELLER!?. 

1896. 


BRADBCRY,    AONEW,    &   CO.,    LD.,    PRINTERS, 
LONDON  AND  TONBRIDOK. 


JUNE  27,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


iii 


IXION  himself,  by  all  that 's  wonderful !  "  said  Mr.  PUNCH,  addressing — in  defiance  of  mere  mundane  injunction — 
the  Man  at  the  Wheel. 

"  Mr.  PUNCH  and  none  other,  by  all  that 's  delightful !  "  responded  the  Thessalian,  trimming  his  bicycle  lamp  as 
tenderly  as  a  masher  tittivates  his  budding  moustache. 

"  Happy  to  meet  you,  I  'm  sure — anywhere  !  "  smiled  the  omnivagant  Sage,  pleasantly.  "  But  how  on  earth  did  you 
get  out  of  Hades  and  into  Heav well,  say  Olympus  ?  " 

"  On  my  Wheel,"  answered  IXION.  "  It  has  proved  a  Wheel  of  Fortune  to  me — in  the  long  run.  I  fancy  I  hold 
the  record  for  long  distance,  anyhow." 

"  But  how  did  you  contrive  to  turn  your  wheel  of  torment  into  a  Rota  Fortuna,  IXION  ?  " 

"  As  DISRAELI — who  was  a  man  after  my  own  heart — made  me  write  in  JUNO'S  album,  '  adventures  are  to  the  adven- 
turous.' MERCURY — who  is  not  a  bad  fellow  for  a  turnkey — first  gave  me  the  tip.  In  this  epoch  the  Wheel  rules  the  world  ! 
Olympus  is  awfully  Conservative.  But  Olympus  is  also  dull — as  your  Philosopher  said  most  Conservatives  are.  And  Olympus, 
like  the  Greeks,  is  always  glad  of  '  some  new  thing,"  if  it  be  adroitly  introduced.  Now  DISRAELI  and  I  shared  that  useful  know- 
ledge how  to  educate  a  Conservative  party — like  the  followers  of  JOVE  or  DERBY — without  scaring  it  into  revolt.  Olympus 
— especially  the  she-side  of  it — was  awearying  for  some  novelty  which  was  not  as  old  as  the  hills  or  as  stale  as  the  New 
Fiction.  To  be  brief,  I  cleverly  converted  my  wheel  of  torture,  and  the  chains  wherewith  I  was  bound  thereto — MERCURY 
winking  while  I  worked — into  a  Safety  Bike  !  Then  he  whispered  to  JUPITER  and  JUNO  that  I  was  having  quite  a  good 
time  on  my  converted  cycle.  Curiosity  did  the  rest,  and  now  VULCAN  and  his  Cyclops  (floated  as  '  The  Etna  Cycle  Company, 
Limited ')  are  so  full  of  orders  even  JOVE  has  to  give  six  weeks'  notice  when  he  wants  a  new  Wheel.  Ha  !  ha  !  ha  !  " 

"  Ho !  ho  !  ho  !  "  echoed  Mr.  PUNCH.  "  There  seems  to  be  a  lot  of  human  nature  not  only  in  humanity,  but  in 
divinity  also.  I  presume  you  are  quite  a  persona  grata  again — especially  with  the  goddesses?  " 

"  I  believe  you,  my  bhoy  !  "  said  the  Thessalian,  with  a  wink.  "  Olympus  now  ought  rather  to  be  called  Olympia. 
Your  Miss  PATTISONS,  MARIE  PAULES,  and  Miles.  SOLANGES  are  not  in  it,  either  for  zeal  or  pace,  with  JUNO,  VENUS,  MINERVA, 
and  that  tremendously  tenacious  long-distance  championess,  dear  DIANA  !  Are  you  a  wheelman,  Mr.  PUNCH?  " 

"  Am  I  not  Everything  in  excelsis  ?  "  queried  the  Sage,  coolly.  "  I  wonder  at  your  asking  such  a  question  !  I  '11 
take  you,  or  any  of  your  Olympian  '  cracks,'  gods  or  goddesses,  on  at  any  distance  you  like  !  " 

"  On  a  cloud- course  ?  "  asked  IXION,  archly. 


IV 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  27,  1896. 


:  "  Well,  I  'in  better  used  to  grass  or  asphalte,"  said  Mr.  PUNCH.  "  And  perhaps  I  'm  not  so  sweet  on  clouds  as  you 
are — or  were — my  dear  IXION.  You,  from  long  experience,  are  doubtless  used  to  '  rolling  in  the  air,' — on  a  wheel !  " 

The  bold  Thessalian  actually  blushed,  and  his  impudent  eye  fell  before  Mr.  PUNCH'S  significant  glance.  "  I  own 
that  I  prefer  innubilus  (Ether — now,"  said  he.  "  But  we  Ve  all  sorts  of  tracks  in  Olympus.  You  pay  your  entrance  fee, 
and  you  take  your  choice.  If  you  like  to  enter  for  the  Golden  Apple  Handicap,  JUNO,  VENUS,  and  MINERVA  will  run  you  a 
race  on  grass,  or  ATALANTA  will  give  you  a  start,  as  a  newer  and  swifter  Milanion,  over  the  Three  Pippin  Asphalte  Track,  at 
your  pleasure.  As  for  me,  I  'm  your  man  at  any  distance,  over  any  track,  from  cloud-course  to  cinder-path  !  " 

"  You  always  were  a  cheeky  chap,  IXION,"  replied  Mr.  PUNCH,  drily.  "  But  how  do  your  Olympian  ladies  look  on 
Wheels  ?  Do  they  don — well,  Divided  Skirts  ;  and  do  they  go  gracefully,  or  humped  and  awkward,  like  too  many  terrestrial 
she-cyclists  ?  " 

"  Look  for  yourself,  Mr.  PaNCH,"  responded  IXION.  "  '  Here  they  come  ! '  as  your  Derbyites  yell,  especially  when  a 
Popular  Prince  looks  like  to  win.  Peep  through  the  cloud-rift,  and  you,  Mr.  PUNCH,  like  poor  fPlNONE, 

"  Mays't  well  behold  them  unbeheld,  unheard 
Hear  all,  and,  like  young-  PARIS,  judge  of  gods  1 " 

Sure  enough,  there  they  came,  Goddesses  Three.  "  Great  HERE,"  pearly-shouldered  PALLAS,  "  Idalian  APHKODITK, 
beautiful,"  all  on  the  World-dominating  Wheel,  all  in  Olympian  Cycling  Costume,  all  working  away  at  treadle  and  handle  as 
for  dear  life,  like  mere  she-mortals  at  a  mundane  Cycle  Meeting. 

"  What  think  you  of  my  Three  Olympian  Pupils,  Mr.  PARIS-PUNCH?"  asked  IXION. 

"  Humph  !  "  said  the  Sage.  "  Methinks,  personally,  I  should  have  preferred  them  as  they  appeared  of  old  on  the 
piny  top  of '  many-fountained  Ida.'  Women  on  Wheels  look  less  like  goddesses  than  they  do  off  them,  in  my  opinion,  and 
goddesses  on  Wheels  more  like  ordinary — very  ordinary  women.  But  I  suppose  the  Wheel  has  '  come  to  stay ' — for  some 
time  at  least,  in  Olympus  as  in  Hyde  Park." 

"  You  bet !  "  laughed  IXION.  "  Why,  even  that  pompous  upstart,  PHCEBUS,  is  practising  biking  at  night  on  the  strict 
Q.T.,  and  I  expect  soon  will  be  putting  down  his  stables,  selling  off  his  horses  of  the  sun,  and  doing  his  daily  round  on 
Wheels !  But  look  out,  Mr.  PARIS-PUNCH  !  This  course  is  two  laps  to  the  mile,  and  the  Illustrious  Three  will  be  back 
presently,  when  you  will  have  to  award  the  Apple " 

"  Not  at  all,  IXION,  my  boy  !  "  retorted  Mr.  PUNCH.  "  I  have  a  better  and  fitter  prize  for  the  Olympian  winner  than 
any  Golden  Apple.  My  work  and  my  awards  are  not  for  a  mere  cycle,  but  for  all  cycles,  and  cycles  of  cycles,  '  not  for  an  age, 
but  for  all  time,'  like  my  friend,  WILLIAM  OF  AVON'S." 

"  And  what  is  that  prize  of  prizes  for  the  Olympian  winner  of  winners  or  champion  of  champions  ? "  asked  Ixrox, 
curiously. 

"  Not  a  mere  Golden  Apple,  but  a  veritable  Golden  Book,"  responded  PUNCH,  displaying  to  the  amazed  and  interested 
IXION  his 


ne  Jimktlr  anfr  Catjr  Itohraie ! !  1 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1896. 


88    Hf.-or.  I>av 
»  S  Sexat.  8. 

10  M  Q.  Viet.  m. 

11  To  l>eicarte«  b. 

12  W  Cellini  d. 

13  Th  Rt vol.  1638 
HF    Valentin* 

B.  Leiri. 


AQUARIUS, 
PISCES. 
ARIES. 


I  Tu  B.  Merton 
4W  Timbi  <L 
6  Th  Lay ard  b. 
<  F  Iiu  Mauri  t 


S    et.Bent-dct 
S  6  8.  in  Lent 

7  B    B.r.  en.  38m.!'ffliM  Nat.  Gal.  1. 

8  S  3  8.  in  Lent  24  Tu  Q.  Elii.  4. 
• .....      kjjw  ud    - 


4  M  Cobbeti 
IOTuS.1.  Sh.M 
11  W  Inc.  T.  im 
12ThSt.  Gr^tor 
13F  iPrie.tleT 

lev  •b»< 


•A'JI,  I>k.  Cam.  b. 
V-.V    Cam.  L.T.  e. 
iOif.  L.  T.  e. 


1|W  Hil.  Sit.  e.  |16ThTh 
ZThfobdend.  17 F  {Franklin  4. 
SF  Good  Frid.  1-8  ICam.E.T.b. 
4  S  S.r.  Mi.  2Um.!  1'J  S  2  S.  af.  Eai. 
t  S  Eaiter  S.  I2UM  £pa.  fl.  dn. 
«  M  Uk.  Holiday  !21  Tu  K<m«th  b. 
7T«8.i.eli.41m.!|2:;W  Odeiaabom. 

9Th  Fire  Iiii.  e.  li'J4  F    Defoe  d. 
F  111.  Tiiulon.e  U8    81.  Mark 
8    Canning  d.  j26  S  S  S.  af.  Eai. 
S  'Low  Sun.      |?7  M  Gibbon  b. 

3  M  iHandel  d.    h2--  Tu  B.  Toun 

4  Tu  Fait.  Sit.  b.iea  W  Enip.Rm.b. 
IS.  W  ,l)r.Burneyd,|30,Th  D.  Arjjll  b. 


1 F  |8.r.  4h.  33m.  17  S  |S.af.  Ai 
28  ig.i.  7I,.'ilm.  1>M  lB<»wtll 
S  S  4  S.  af.  Em.  19  Tu  St.  Dunian 
4  M  K.  A.  oixrni  20  W  Ed.  Yatei  4. 
STuiNapol-  t  d.   21  TLX'awnnore 
6WiSt  John        22  K  IOif.  E.  T. «. 
7  Th  Roieberjr  b.  2i8    M.  lemon 4. 
2-t  S  »'li  t  Sun. 
2f.  M  lik.  (lolidnf 
Rogation  S'.  S6T»  I>ch.Yorkb. 
Chatham  d.  27  W  Yen.  Bed« 
Douro  '09      2».Th  W.  Pitt  b. 
O.  May  Day1 29 F    i  liai.II.ru. 
Aicexiion    Kins     1  upe  d.  1744 
O'Lonnelld.  31,S  Trin.  Bun. 


M 
1SlBiL.ml.il 

8  M -I).  Jerrold 
9Tu!Paiton  d. 
lOWjUeiliberg 
UTuStllarnabai 
12  F    Dr.Amold  d 
S3    Haitgi.btid. 


17  W  'St.  Alba* 
1-  Th  Waterlo* 
19  F  B.  Warm 
208  tQ.  Vio.  A«- 

S  S  8n.  a(.  Tr . 

M   Hajdon  4. 
23  Tu  B.  PlaaiT 
•J4  W  Cam.X.T.*. 
z;,Th  li.  AltiTia 
•XF    GM.   1T.4. 
278    Ouratks. 
is!  S '4  8n.  »f.  IV. 
J'J  M   St.  FcUr 
J  Tu  Koicoe  i 


TAURUS. 
GEMINI. 
CANCER. 


CALENDAR.         1896. 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1896. 


AUGUST  mi  Days. 


W  B.  Borne 
Th,B.  P«l 
.r.8h.M_ 

•.  8h.l7n> 
SB.  »f.  Ti 

6  M    D.  York  m 


17  P  IPunchb. '41 
1818  Who.  Cook  d. 
iS  S  7  Sn.  af.  Tr. 

20  M  St.  Margaret 


21  Tu  Burnt  a. 

22!  W  Sal 
23,Th  I.yonct  b. 


6|W|Ld.  Bowed 
6  Th  Tennyson  b 
.  Carol,  d. 

.r.4!i.;;Vm 
SIS'lOSn.  af.T 


•21V  iMid.elctd. 
22  8   IB.  Boiworti 

8.  »f.  Tr. 

Barthoio. 


7  Tu'J.  Hu»  b 

8  W  Shelley  i 
9!ThP 

Bp.  Pell  4 


if.Tr.Tj 
Sn.  af.  Tr, 
D.Orleani  d 
Tu  lias  tile  del. 
W  S.  Swilhin 
Th  Beran?er  d 


2'W  Trin.Sit 
SThLd.  Kib 
4|P  Ld.  Clyde  d 


S    W.  Scott  b. 
6'S  llS.af.  Ti 


SEPTEMBER  zxx  Days. 


OCTOBER  xxxi  Days. 


NOVEMBER  xxx  Days. 


DECEMBER  xxxi  Days. 


16  W  Landor  d. 
ITThYalunar.b. 
Is  P    Oeo.  I.  land. 
B8    IPoitierilSM 
20  S  188.  af.  Tr. 


Cam.M.T.b 
F    Arago  d. 
Allieri  d. 
8  S.  •/.  Tr. 


7:3     Etheldreda 
20  S.  af.  Tr. 


ITlhiOxf.  M.T.*. 
t  iGrimaldi  kx 
i.  M.T.e. 
20{S|4S.  m  Adr. 
21  M  iMich.  Slt.e. 
22TuG.  Eliot  d. 
23.W  Jas.  II.  abd. 


«  Th  Cron, 
4P    W.La 

B    8.r.5h.21m. 

S  I  H  8.  af  .  Tr. 


B.  Nayarino 
21IW  [Trafalgar 
J2,Th!B.Edge  Hill 


.     . 

21  M  St.  Matth. 

22  Tu  Aut' 
'23  W  B.  Am 
24  Tli  8.  Butl 
S5P  iP 

1268   HLueknowrL 
|W  S  IW  8.  af.  Tr. 
P-i  JNioopolii 
29Tu|Mich.  Day 
Jerome 


Tu8.i.6h-29m. 
W1B.  Plodden 
Th  B.  Qveinoy 


27Tu'Met 
ZS  W IJ.  Locke"  d. 
29Th!j.  Leech  d. 
MI  ISheridanb. 

All  Hallows 


12'8  O.  P.  Riots 
13  S  15  8.  af.  Tr. 
H|M  Holy  Cron 
Rajghur 


SCORPIO. 
SAGITTARIUS. 
CAPRICORN  US. 


Summer. 


1896. 


-JLu.-tu.xnn. . 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1896. 


SB 
Is 

? . 

II 


. 
H  H 


^    §3  8 
O    -w§ 

n 


§* 


w 


H     w 


5  o 
w 

H 


w  II 

H    ^S 

-          H   « 


O 

ea 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK   FOR    1896. 


SECOND  LABOUR.— 'ARRY  PLAYS  BILLIARDS,  AND 


MAKES  A  FANCY  STROKE. 


"THE    TWELVE    LABOURS    OF    'ARRY." 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1896. 


1    V 


THE    TWELVE    LABOURS    OF    'ARRY." 

THIRD  LABOUR.— 'ARRY  CATCHES  A  CRAB. 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1896. 


O 

W 

tt 

D 
O 

m 


w 
> 

J 
w 

^ 

H 

w 


g 

ca 


e 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1896. 


f 


"THE    TWELVE    LABOURS    OF    'ARRY." 

FIFTH  LABOUR.—  'AERY  AT  GOLF, 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1896. 


"THE    TWELVE    LABOURS    OF    'ARRY." 

SIXTH  LABOUR.— FISHING.    'ARRY  GETS  A  BITE. 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1896. 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1896, 


v^  A  <r~^b&*'J2. 


.\ 


"THE    TWELVE    LABOURS    OF    'ARRY.' 


TENTH  LABOUR. — 'ARRY  HAS  A  DAY'S  "GUNNING,"  AND  BAGS  SOMETHING  AFTER  ALL. 


PUNCH'S 


PUNCH'S 

AFTEK   SIIAKSPEJ 


K   FOR    1896. 


CVPIP 

AND  '        r 
PSYCHE 


/"EN     AGE  S." 

ERY   LONG   WAD. 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1896. 


\ 


"THE    TWELVE    LABOURS    OF    'ARRY." 

ELEVENTH  LABOUR. — 'AERY  OUT  WITH  THE  'OUNDS. 
(For  the  Twelfth  Labour  of  'Arry,  which  is  a  "  Labour  of  Love,"  see  find  page  of  this  Number. ) 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1896. 


CONTRASTS. 

No.  I.— MEN    AND    MANNERS.      THE    PAST. 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1896, 


CONTRASTS. 

No.  II.— MEN    AND    NO    MANNERS.      THE    PRESENT. 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1896, 


CONTRASTS. 

No.  III.— MEN    AND    NO    MANNERS.      TIME    PAST.      A    CAROUSE    AT    A   TAVERN. 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1896. 


CONTRASTS. 

No.  IV.— MEN    AND    MANNERS.      TIME    PRESENT.      SUPPER    AT    A    RESTAURANT. 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOE    1896. 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1896. 


w    . 

K  W 


•<    t>< 

•J     J 
SH    J 


2 

il 

-I 


0 


ss 

2  X 

H 
W  « 


I    Is 


o 

h 


Q 
W 
Q 
tf 
O 
O 

w 


B   CQ 
PS  M 

O    P 


«   O 


i| 

s! 

PS  « 

W  W 
H  H 


6 


PS  O 
W  g 

! 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1896. 


fc. 


CO 

i_i       M 


o 

Q     | 

Q         H 

O     3 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1896. 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1896. 


UNRECORDED     HISTORY.— VII. 

THE  CONSTITUTIONAL  INABILITY  OF  GEORGE  WASHINGTON  TO  TELL  A  LIE  WAS  PROVERBIAL,  AND  THE  HOPE  OP  SOME  OF  His  SUPPORTERS 

THAT   LATE  IN   LIFE   THIS   PHYSICAL  DEFECT  MIGHT  BE   OVERCOME,  WAS   DOOMED  TO   DISAPPOINTMENT.        A   DIPLOMATIC   HYPERBOLE  WAS   THB 
BEST  HE  COULD    EVER   DO   IN   SPITE   OF  MOST   PRAISEWORTHY  EFFORTS. 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1896. 


...  \ 


\\  ,\    . 


\  s        '•'  v 

'     :       V  *  <-\^ 


S  §a 

I-H         &3     > 
>         S 

*i     H  m 

fc  2 

°  w 

W      f  B 

o|| 

tn      t>   ^ 

5«       a    & 

W     P3   ^ 

»-H  o 

8    5  g 
Q    S  a 

Cd       O    o 

n    »  S 

f-J      o 

ft!     5^ 

O    o  p 

n     §  S 
ExJ      p  H 

2  I  * 

2      M    w 

l-|         O      B3 

I-*         .    & 

*  S 

-  w 


9 


Is 

n  O 
8  2 
N,  as 


§ 


II 


"THE    TWELVE    LABOURS    OF    'ARRY." 

TWELFTH  AND  LAST  LABOUR.— 'ARRY  WITH  HIS  'ARRIET  UNDER  THE  MISTLETOE. 


JANUARY  4,   1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


m.  PUNCH'S  NEW  YEAR  PHILOSOPHY. 

[HEHACLITUS  was  called  "  the  mourner  "  from 
his  weeping  at  the  follies  of  mankind.] 

WHAT,  weep  the  world's  follies?     That's 

playing  the  fool, 
Like  a  jester  who  droppeth  his  tears  in  a 

pool; 

'Tis  like  damming  a  deluge  with  water ! 
HEKACLITTJS  had  hardly  the  happy  way  hit, 
Tears  will  not  check  follies  as  well  as  gay  wit, 

"Which  giveth  those  follies  no  quarter. 
"What  use  at  the  goose-flock  to  groan  or  to 
grizzle  P  [fizzle, 

A  laugh  may  succeed  when  a  tear  may  mean 
And  what  is  more  dull  than  damp  fire- 
works ? 

DEMOCBITTJS,  Laughing  Philosopher,  knew 
That  a  man  make  look    blue  over  fools  till 

all's  blue; 

That 's  just  how  all  pessimist  ire  works. 
A  laugh  has  a  lash,  wit  an  edge  far  from 

blunt, 
They  whip  up,   without   wounding,  when 

grumble  or  grunt 
Will  only  add  anger  to  folly. 
A  fool  under  scolding  is  like  your  dull  asp, 
Who  won't  mend  his  form  for  mere  whopping, 

alas! 

So  let's  be,  judiciously,  jolly  I 
Untimely  heroics,  and  preachments  sublime, 
Are  t* mpting  to  juvenile  censors,  whom  time 

Will  teach  to  be  rather  more  rosy ; 
Not  optimist  boobies,  nor  pessimist  bores, 
They  will  learn  that  wise  gaiety  oftentimes 

scores 
When  foiled  fall  the  pompous  and  prosy. 


And   so  at  this   solemn,  yet  soul-cheering 

season, 
All  wise  men,  like  Punch,  mingle  laughter 

with  reason ; 
And  though  Eat t  and  West  things  look 

darkish, 
Punch  does  not  mean  joining  the  fussy  or 

frantic, 

He  sends  a  gay  greeting  across  the  Atlantic, 
A  blend  of  the  loving  and  larkieh. 


Sporting  Underwriter.    "  WOULD  YOU  LIKE 
TO  INSURE  ? " 
Bold  Bird.  "  No  ;  I  'LL  TAKE  THE  RISK  1 " 


At— somebody's— folly  he  laughs,  and  derides 
The  notion  of  shindylbetween  the  two  sides 

Of  one  double-fronted  fraternity. 
Faithful  friends'  falling-out— for  a  time— a 

huge  bore  is ; 
But — here 's  to  the  redintegratio  amoris  ! — 

A  love  that  should  last  to  eternity. 
Away  fly  the  doves   with  an  olive-branch 

each! 
Good  temper   and  fun   better   lessons  will 

teach 

Than  many  more  high-sounding  Messages. 
Keep   faith,  at   this  season,   in  Peace  and 

Goodwill ! 
Keep  temper,  and  sure  the  New  Tear  will 

fulfil 

Mr.  Punch's  non-pessimist  presages. 
HEBACLITUS,  poor  chap,  was  a  little  bit  out ; 
A  good  hearty  laugh  may  kill   hatred   or 

doubt, 

If  'tis  not  too  bitterly  mocking. 
"  The  Mourner"  had  best,  on  the  whole,  be  a 

Mute! 
Laugh  I    Laugh  !  save  at  sorrow ;  the  man 

is  mere  brute  * 

Who  at  misery  chortles ;  that 's  shocking  I 
But  Punch's  first  tip  for  this  next  of  New 

Tears 
j£ — don't  weep  at  men's  follies,  nor  laugh  at 

their  tears ! 


UP  TO  DATE. 


SEEING  that  the  New  Woman  proudly  dreams 

Of  sharing  Man's  immunities  and  joys, 
The  proper  proverb  for  the  period  seems, 
"  Girls  will  be-boys  I  » 


VOL.   CX. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  4,  1896. 


JANUARY  4,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


DONE    'EM    THIS   TIME  I 

Huntsman  (having  galloped  over  rotten  bridge,  spanning  deep  drain,  and  kicked  a  large  hole  it).   "  Hi  I    KBEP  OFF  IT,  YOU  BBGGABS  1 
BEAR  YOU  l ^Has  hounds  all  to  himself— the  acme  of  blisi  ! 


STUDIES  IN  MODERN  JOURNALISM. 
No.  III. — DORINDA'S  DIARY. 

Monday.— Oh  dear  I  JEMIMA  is  such  a  nuisance  1  She  has  called 
three  times  in  the  last  two  days  to  implore  me  to  spend  next  week  at 
iwiddledum  Towers.  It  is  all  very  well  for  her  to  say  that  her 
husband— the  Duke,  you  know -will  be  heart-broken  if  I  refuse; 
but  I  put  it  to  you,  dear  reader,  how  can  I  do  as  she  wishes,  and  at 
the  same  time  keep  my  solemn  promise  to  the  Countess  of  PENTON- 
VIILE  r  The  Countess  would  never,  never  forsrive  your  poor  DOBINDA 
LI  she  disappointed  her.  By  the  way,  the  Countess's  new  boots  are 
not  at  all  a  success.  But,  as  I  told  her,  how  could  she  expect  them 
to  tit  well  unless  she  bought  them  at  Messrs.  LACE  AND  LEATHEB'S 
well-known  shop,  three  doors  off  the  Monument  P  *  By  the  strangest 
coincidence,  this  excellent  firm  has  a  full-page  advertisement  on  the 
cover  of  this  number,  so  that  you  can  find  out  all  about  their  goods 
by  referring  to  it. 

Tuesday.— I  felt  very  dull  and  depressed  this  morning ;  but  a  cup 
ol  DIBBS  cocoa  at  luncheon  quite  restored  me.  (You  must  notice 
the  trade- mark  carefully  when  you  buy  it— there  are  so  many 
spurious  imitations  of  DIBBS',  you  know.)  After  luncheon,  CHABLES 
came  in,  and,  since  his  tailor  is  SKIPS,  of  540,  Piccadilly,  I  need 
hardly  say  that  he  was  dressed  in  faultless  taste.  He  took  me  off  to 
a  very  select  At  Home,  where  I  was  introduced  to  Lady  SELTZEB. 

Dear  Lady  SELTZRB,"  I  said,  immediately,  "  what  charming  gloves 
you  are  wearing !   And  yet  I  can  see  they  are  not  expensive.    Do  tell 
me  where  TOU  got  them,  and  how  much  you  paid  for  them."    "  Oh," 
said  Lady  SELTZEB,  with  such  a  sweet  smile,  "  that 's  what  every- 
one asks  me!    Why,  I  bought  them  at  Messrs.  SHODDY'S  winter 
—which,  by  the  way,  ends  in  a  fortnight's  time,  so  you  should 
o  there  at  once— and  I  only  paid  2s.  llfrf.  the  pair  for  them." 

*  Having  guilelessly  undertaken  to  publish  a  certain  number  of  these 

elightfully  entertaining  articles,  we  would  not  for  The  "World  fail  in  our 

ition.     But,  as  we  did  not  bind  ourselves  to  give  the  names  and 

resses  of  the  tradesmen  herein  insidiously  advertised,  we  have  substituted 

:  our  own  invention.    Aggrieved  purveyors  have  their  remedy.— ED. 


Wednesday.  — " Where  did  you  get  that  hat?"  wrote  SHAKS- 
PEARE,  and  the  question  was  repeated  to  me  a  dozen  times  at  a 
fashionable  luncheon-party  to-day.  How  stupid  people  are,  to  be 
sure  I  For,  of  course,  no  one  except  Madame  MODISTE,  of  320A, 
Bond  Street,  could  have  created  it.  Indeed,  I  and  all  the  other  best- 
dressed  people  in  London  deal  with  her.  TOMMY  PLANTAGENET,  my 
thirteen- year-old  cousin,  came  in  to  tea.  He  told  me  that  he  had 
noticed  a  charming  costume,  worn  by  a  lady  in  the  row  of  stalls  next 
to  him  at  the  Pantomime.  I  hasten  to  give  the  details  of  it,  for  the 
benefit  of  my  readers.  (Paper  patterns  of  it  can  be  obtained  for  six 
stamps  from  the  office.)  The  dress  is  made  of  magenta-coloured 
sequins,  embroidered  with  muroir  velvet  and  piped  passementerie. 
The  bodice  is  composed  of  white  fichu,  draped  round  the  hips  with 
blue  nainsook,  and  the  arms  are  looped  np  above  the  basque  with 
scarlet  tulle,  while  the  skirt  is  trimmed  with  yellow  revers,  edged 
with  chiffon.  The  lining  is  of  reseda-shot  satin,  with  accordion- 
pleated  buckles  gathered  very  closely  round  the  tunic.  One  could 
not  easily  imagine  a  more  charming  design. 

Thursday, — "  Arma  virumque,"  as  HOMEB  says — which  means, 
of  course,  that  all  knowledge  is  useful.  So,  darling  reader,  I  hasten 
to  impart  to  you  a  fact  which  I  was  told  to-day.  And  this  is,  that 
no  one  in  London  has  such  splendid  crocodiles  as  Mr.  SHADBACH,  of 
Upper  Hollpway.  This  is  worth  remembering,  as  it  is  quite  possible 
that  crocodiles  may  become  favourite  drawing-room  pets  before  long, 
and  you  could  not  offer  your  family  a  more  acceptable  Christmas 

present.    In  fact,  a  certain   Princess Bother  I    that  dull  old 

Marchioness  has  called  to  take  me  for  a  drive,  so  I  can  write  no 
more  just  now. 

A  Grammatical  Question  settled  under  the 
Mistletoe. 

"  Now  a  kiss,  dear,"  he  said,  "  is  a  noun  we  '11  agree, 
Bat  common  or  proper,  say  which  may  it  be  ?  " 
"  Well,  perhaps,"  she  replied  (to  speak  nothing  loth), 
While  she  smiled  and  grew  red—"  Let  us  say  it  is  both." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  4,  1896. 


ROBING-ROOM  RUMOURS. 

THERE  is  no  truth  in  the  report  that, 
following  the  precedent  about  to  be  set 
by  Mr.  ASQUTTH,  in  appearing  before  Ms 
fellow  Privy  Councillors,  many  of  the 
Judges  of  the  High  Court  are  accepting 
retainers  to  represent  either  Plaintiffs 
or  Defendants  in  their  own  Divisions. 
At  least  this  extension  is  not  likely  to 
be  carried  out  just  at  present. 
* 

*  * 

The  proposed  representation  of  "A 
New  Pantomime,"  by  the  late  Dr. 
KENEALLY,  at  Gray's  Inn,  will  certainly 
not  take  place  during  the  present  Christ- 
mas. If  the  work  is  played  at  all,  it 
will  be  without  scenic  accessories. 
* 

*  * 

It  is  asserted  that,  at  the  recent 
r<eeting  of  the  deputation  from  the  Bar 
Cjmmittee  with  the  LOHD  CHANCELLOR, 
smoking  was  not  permitted.  As  the 
proceedings,  however,  were  of  a  semi- 
private  character,  it  is  uncertain 
whether  liquid  refreshments  were  dis- 
cussed with  arguments  of  a  less  material 

nature. 

* 

*  * 

It  is  not  improbable  that,  with  a  view 
to  removing  the  block  of  legal  business, 
that  some  of  the  railway  companies  will 
run,  during  the  present  year,  "High 
Court  Saloon  Carriages,"  in  which  ac- 
commodation will  be  provided  for  the 
Bench,  the  Bar,  the  solicitors,  and  their 
clients  and  witnesses.  If  the  matter  of 
venue  can  be  satisfactorily  arranged, 
causes  will  thus  be  ready  for  hearing 
during  transit.  There  is  already  a  re- 
corded precedent  of  a  Judge  granting  an 
injunction  from  the  front  of  his  bathing- 
machine. 

* 

Now  that  the  qualifications  for  mem- 


THE    FESTIVE   SEASON. 

ON  THE  LATCH-KEY  VIVE  1 


bership  of  the  Inns  of  Court  Volunteers 
have  been  relaxed,  and  others  than 
counsel  can  be  admitted  to  the  famous 
corps,  it  is  possible  the  parties  concerned 
in  Chancery  proceedings  will  be  accepted, 
as  recruits.  It  is  argued  that  by  this 
means  the  regiment  will  retain  the 
services  of  wealthy  litigants  and  their 
personal  representatives — "it  may  be 
for  years  it  may  be  for  ever." 
* 
*  * 

As  nowadays  only  one  or  two  rooms 
are  used  in  the  Royal  Courts  of  Justice 
during  term  time,  on  account  of  the 
absence  of  most  of  the  Judges  in  other 
places,  it  has  been  suggested  to  utilize 
the  remainder  of  the  building  for  the 
production  of  a  grand  realistic  spectacle 
on  the  lines  of  the  capital  military 
entertainment  at  Olympia.  If  the  idea 
is  adopted,  no  doubt  the  initial  item 
will  be  called  "Fifteen  Years  of  a 
Junior's  Life;  or,  From  Call  to  First 
Brief." 

HEY,  PEESTO! 

A  CABLE  message  from  New  York 
says : — 

A  fifteen- ton  disappearing  gun  was  mounted 
in  the  defences  of  New  York  Harbour  this 
afternoon.  Four  more  weapons  of  equal  size 
and  the  same  pattern  will  be  placed  in  posi- 
tion next  week. 

Which  thing  is  an  allegory,  neatly  and 
picturesquely  typifying  President  CLEVE- 
LAND'S famous  message  to  Congress.  For 
a  moment,  even  for  a  day,  there  was  the 
murderous  armament,  threatening  the 
amity  of  two  nations  and  the  peace  of 
Europe.  People  looked  up  again  to  see 
what  further  preparations  were  made, 
and  lo!  it  was  gone.  It  was  a  diplo- 
matic, or  more  precisely,  an  election- 
eering, disappearing  gun. 


ROUNDABOUT    READINGS. 

ON  NEPHEWS — AND  "HUCKLEBERRY  FINN." 

IT  has  been  granted  to  me  during  the  last  few  days  to  study  a 
soaring  human  boy  face  to  face.  The  abstract  "  my  nephew  of 
whom  I  occasionally  speak  in  passing  has  become  the  concrete 
"Guy,  don't  do  this,"  or,  "GuY,  don't  do  that."  Mv  study  is 
littered  with  paper  darts  of  all  sorts  and  sizes ;  a  clasp-knife  is  at 
this  moment  lying  open  on  my  favourite  arm-chair,  a  catapult  is  on 
the  floor  (perhaps  the  safest  place  for  it),  and  odd  numbers  of  Chums 
are  strewn  about  the  house.  The  owner  of  these  articles  is  dashing 
up  and  down  the  stairs,  with  a  whole  pack  of  dogs  at  his  heels. 

GUY  is  an  atom  of  humanity,  tottering  on  the  brink  of  his 
eleventh  birthday.  His  fond  mother  consigned  him  to  my  care, 
together  with  a  long  list  of  instructions.  "  His  usual  bed-time," 
she  said,  "  is  eight  o'clock.  Please,  please  see  that  he  brushes  his 
teeth  morning  and  evening,  and  keeps  Ms  hands  clean.  When  he 
goes  out  he  must  wear  his  overcoat  and  his  little  flannel  comforter ; 
and  when  he  comes  in  you  must  always  insist  on  his  changing  his 
stockings.  Keep  him  out  of  puddles,  and  see  that  he  does  at  least 
an  hour  at  his  arithmetic  and  Latin  Grammar.  He  is  weak  in 
arithmetic ;  but  in  Latin  Prose  he  got  full  marks  at  his  last  exami- 
nation^ Don't  allow  him  to  make  himself  a  nuisance  to  you.  If  he 
does,  give  him  a  good  book  of  adventures,  and  you  '11  find  him  as 
quiet  as  a  mouse."  These  were  the  more  important  items  in  the 
compendium  drawn  up  for  the  guidance  of  a  bachelor  uncle. 

So  far  I  have  done  my  best,  but  my  best  has  stopped  short  of  Latin 
grammar  and  arithmetic.  I  can  remember  how  keenly  I  detested  the 
genial  old  gentlemen  who,  on  hearing  that  I  had  gone  to  school,  asked 
me  to  decline  mensa,  and  posed  me  with  the  perfect  tense  of  /ero, 
and  in  my  nephew's  case  I  satisfied  myself  with  his  personal  assurance 
that  he  had  been  able  to  translate  into  Latin  these  memorable 
sentences: — "C^SAK  marched  into  Italy  with  a  large  army,"  and 
"We  were  seen  by  CATTTS,  your  slave."  A  boy  who  can  do  that,  and 
obtain  full  marks  for  it,  is  obviously  reserved  for  very  great  things. 


For  the  rest,  I  found  him  fairly  amenable.  He  jibs  a  good  deal  at 
his  overcoat,  and  has  contrived  to  lose  his  little  flannel  comforter ;  his 
bedtime  has  been  extended  to  nine  o'clock  ;  I  have  utterly  failed  to 
restrain  him  from  puddles  (oar  country  roads,  by  the  way,  are 
nothing  but  eo  many  huge  puddles) ;  and  I  find  it  next  to  impossible 
to  keep  his  hands  clean,  though  he  has  immaculate  intervals  lasting 
for  about  three  minutes  at  a  time.  But  he  brushes  his  teeth  and 
he  changes  his  stockings,  so  I  feel  that  on  the  whole  I  have  done 
pretty  well.  . 

OF  course  he  collects  postage-stamps.  He  also  takes  a  pro- 
found interest  in  smoking  and  all  that  pertains  to  it.  He  goes 
about  bristling  with  cigarettes  so  as  to  oe  ready  to  supply  my 
needs  at  the  shortest  notice.  He  is  never  without  a  tray,  into 
which  he  knocks  the  ash  from  my  cigarette  as  I  smoke  it.  He 
has  just  come  in  and  has  posted  himself  at  my  elbow.  Whizz— bang, 
he  has  decided  that  I  have  finished  my  cigarette,  he  has  seized  it  out 
of  my  mouth,  hurled  it  into  the  fire,  has  jammed  another  between 
my  lips  and  has  struck  a  match  and  burnt  the  cigarette  to  a  cinder 
before  I  have  recovered  from  the  shock.  He  has  found  a  box  of 
fifty  cigars  and  clipped  all  their  ends,  and  he  has  filled  my  ten  pipes 
with  tobacco  so  as  to  be  ready  for  all  emergencies.  It  is  delightful 
to  find  a  mere  boy  able  and  willing  to  make  himself  so  useful. 

Bur  his  usefulness  goes  further.  Only  this  morning  I  found  him 
in  the  pantry  busily  employed  in  helping  the  butler  to  polish  up  the 
forks  and  spoons,  and  yesterday  he  was  allowed,  as  a  great  treat,  to 
take  a  hand  in  the  manufacture  of  a  plum-pudding.  To-morrow  he 
is  to  wait  at  table,  a  prospect  which  seems  to  fill  him  with  unutter- 
able joy.  On  the  whole  he  is  really  a  very  good  and  cheerful  little 
boy,  with  plenty  of  resources  for  his  own  amusement.  One  thing  has 
struck  me  about  him.  He  weighs  about  five  stone,  and  his  size, 
therefore,  is  not  gigantic.  Still,  in  his  little  knickerbocker  suit,  he 
looks  quite  big  enough  for  his  years.  But  in  the  evening  he  wears  a 
full-dress  Eton  suit,  which  has  the  effect  of  reducing  him  to  the 
merest  ecrap ;  the  most  diminutive  shrimp,  I  warrant,  that  ever  got 
full  marks  for  Latin  prose. 

I  PBAE  there  is  a  lack  of  reverence  about  the  nephews  of  the 


JANUARY  4,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


present  day.  This  one— and  I  presume  he  is  typical  of  the  rest— 
calls  me  familiarly  by  my  Christian  name  without  the  respectful 
prefix  "  Uncle."  When  asked  why  he  did  this,  he  said,  'rOh,  I 
don't  know,  '  uncles '  are  people  with  whiskers."  As  my  whiskers 
did  not  survive  my  freshman's  year  at  Cambridge,  it  appears  that 
I  am  not  qualified  for  the  title,  though  I  cannot  shake  off  the 
responsibilities  of  the  post.  His  ideas  on  age  are  also  rather  alarm- 
ing. "  How  old,"  I  asked  him,  "  is  the  head-master  of  your 
school  ?  "  •«  Oh,  middle-aged—nearly  thirty." 

BUT  my  chief  surprise  has  been  his  keen  and  appreciative  enjoy- 
ment of  Huckleberry  Finn.  I  gave  it  to  him  to  quiet  him,  and  he 
was  soon  deep  in  it.  This  evening  he  has  insisted  on  reading  aloud 
to  me  the  whole  of  that  inimitable  passage  which  relates  how  the 
two  old  frauds,  the  King  and  the  Duke  of  Eridgetcater,  pretended  to 
be  the  brothers  of  Mr.  Peter  Wilks,  deceased.  At  every  other 
sentence  that  boy  had  to  stop,  convulsed  with  laughter,  and,  mind 
you,  he  laughed  in  the  right  way  and  at  the  right  things.  This  is 
no  mere  piece  of  knockabout  clowning  such  as  one  supposes  would 
appeal  to  a  small  boy,  but  a  bit  of  the  most  genuine  and  incisive 
humour  ever  printed.  I  am,  therefore,  forced  to  the  conclusion — 
still  assuming  GTTT  to  be  typical  — that  the  sense  of  humour 
amongst  nephews  of  a  tender  age  has  become  far  keener  and  j aster 
than  it  used  to  be. 

BTJT,  after  all,  what  a  great  book  is  Huckleberry  Finn.  With 
how  lavish  a  hand  has  MAEK  TWAIN  scattered  the  riches  of  his 
humour  and  his  observation  and  his  sympathy  over  every  page. 
There  is  enough  in  it  to  fit  out  twenty  ordinary  books  with  laughter. 
There  are  bits  of  description  in  it  which  bring  a  scene  before  your 
eyes  as  vividly  as  if  you  had  seen  it  over  and  over  again  and  fixed 
it  on  your  mind.  Characters  are  hit  off  in  a  few  incisive  touches,  and 
the  man  stands  before  you  as  he  must  have  lived. 

TAKB  this  for  description  :  — "  It  was  one  of  these  regular  summer 
storms.  It  would  get  so  dark  that  it  looked  all  blue-black  outside, 
and  lovely ;  and  the  rain  would  thrash  along  by  so  thick  that  the 
trees  off  a  little  ways  looked  all  dim  and  spider-webby ;  and  here 
would  come  a  blast  of  wind  that  would  bend  the  trees  down  and 
turn  up  ihe  pale  underside  of  the  leaves ;  and  then  a  perfect  ripper 
of  a  gust  would  follow  along  and  set  the  branches  to  tossing  their 
arms  as  if  they  was  just  wild  ;  and  next,  when  it  was  just  about  the 
bluest  and  blackest — fst !  it  was  as  bright  as  glory,  and  you  'd  have 
a  little  glimpse  of  tree  tops  a-plungmg  about,  away  off  yonder 
in  the  storm,  hundreds  of  yards  further  than  you  could  see  before ; 
dark  as  sin  again  in  a  second,  and  now  you  'd  hear  the  thunder  let 
go  with  an  awful  crash,  and  then  go  rumbling,  grumbling,  tumbling 
down  the  sky  towards  the  underside  of  the  world,  like  rolling  empty 
barrels  downstairs,  where  it 's  long  stairs  and  they  bounce  a  good 
deal,  you  know." 

AND  this: — "  Colonel  Grangerford  was  a  gentleman,  you  see. 
He  was  a  gentleman  all  over;  and  so  was  his  family.  He  was 
well-born,  as  the  saying  is,  and  that 's  worth  as  much  in  a 
man  as  it  is  in  a  horse,  eo  the  widow  Douglass  said,  and  nobody 
ever  denied  she  was  of  the  first  aristocracy  in  our  town ;  and  pap 
he  always  said  it  too,  though  he  warn't  no  more  quality  than  a 
mud-cat  himself.  Colonel  Grangerford  was  very  tall  and  very 
slim,  and  had  a  darkish-paly  complexion,  not  a  sign  of  red  in  it  any- 
wheres ;  he  was  clean-shaved  every  morning  all  over  his  thin  face, 
and  he  had  the  thinnest  kind  of  lips,  and  the  thinnest  kind  of 
nostrils,  and  a  high  nose  and  heavy  eyebrows,  and  the  blackest  kind 
of  eyes,  sunk  so  deep  like  they  seemed  they  was  looking  out  of 
caverns  at  you  as  you  may  say.  His  forehead  was  high,  and  his 
hair  was  black  and  straight  and  hung  to  his  shoulders.  .  .  .  Some- 
times he  smiled,  and  it  was  good  to  see ;  but  when  he  straightened 
himself  up  like  a  liberty  pole,  and  the  lightning  begun  to  flicker  out 
from  under  his  eyebrows,  you  wanted  to  climb  a  tree  first,  and  find 
out  what  the  matter  was  afterwards.  He  didn't  ever  have  to  tell 
anybody  to  mind  their  manners — everybody  was  always  good- 
mannered  where  he  was.  Everybody  loved  to  have  him  around  too : 
he  was  sunshine  most  always — I  mean  he  made  it  seem  like  good 
weather.  When  he  turned  into  a  cloud-bank  it  wag  awful  dark  for 
half  a  minute  and  that  was  enough;  there  wouldn't  nothing  go 
wrong  again  for  a  week." 

THEN  for  simple,  unforced  pathos  you  have  the  runaway  nigger, 
Jim,  one  of  the  finest  and  purest  gentlemen  in  all  literature.  And 
lor  tragedy,  can  anything  be  more  moving  and  terrible  than  the  last 
stand  of  the  Grangerfprds,  or  the  death  of  Hoggs,  with  its  sequel 
in  Colonel  Sherburn's  imperturbable  defiance  of  the  cowardly  mob, 
who  propose  to  1>  nch  him  ?  But  I  have  not  space  to  dwell  on  all  the 
great  points  of  this  Homeric  book— for  Homeric  it  is  in  the  true 
sense,  as  no  other  English  book  is,  that  I  know  of. 

So  I  (and  my  nephew)  send  this  message  of  goodwill  across  the 
sea  to  our  friend  MAEK  TWAIN,  at  a  time  when  messages  of  good- 


will and  friendship  are  sorely  needed.  That  the  countrymen  of 
DICKENS  and  MAKK  TWAIN  should  fight  about  Venezuela  is  an 
idea  so  fantastic  and  preposterous  that  imagination  boggles  at  it ; 
and  even  the  mind  of  the  worst  Jingo  of  either  nation  must  revolt 
from  it  when  it  is  fully  realised. 

P.S. — A  week  or  two  back  I  asked  about  the  National  Pension 
Fund  for  NurseSj  and  expressed  a  wish  to  know  the  address  of  its 
Secretary.  A  kindly  correspondent,  signing  herself  "  An  Admirer 
of  Mr.  Punch  of  Fifty  Years'  standing,"  gives  me  the  necessary 
information,  which  I  hereby  convey  to  my  readers  in  the  earnest 
hope  that  the  fond  may  benefit :  —Royal  National  Fund  for  Nurses, 
28,  Finubury  Pavement,  London,  B.C. 


THE  BEAUTYCIDES. 

"  A  THING  of  beauty  is  a  joy  for  ever," — 

Until  there  comes  an  advertiser  clever, 

With  paste,  and  poster,  and  some  patent  pill ; 

And  then  by  stream  and  meadow,  vale  and  hill, 

Taste  feels,  through  greed's  disease,  by  no  pill  curable, 

A  thing  of  ugliness  is  yet  more  durable. 

Churls  I  they  'd  foul  Eden,  or  disfigure  Arden, 

With  Trade 's  new-fangled  "  Ugly  Thing  in  the  Garden  "  I 

Shall  they  at  Foyers  carry  on  those  feats 

Whereby  Philistia  gives  the  lie  to  KEATS  ? 


"SOME  OF  THE  BEST"  OF  REGULATIONS. 

(Prepared  by  an  Expert  after  witnessing  the  new  piece  at  the 
Royal  Adelphi  Theatre.) 

ALL  officers  belonging  to  the  Portsmouth  garrison  will  take  tea 
with  neighbouring  parsons,  and  their  daughters,  in  undress  uniform. 
On  such  occasions  the  regiment  of  the  subaltern,  in  attendance 
upon  the  Commander-in-chief,  shall  accompany  their  officer  to  the 
churches,  belonging  to  said  parsons,  to  the  music 
of  the  fifes  and  drums. 

A  lieutenant  of  Highlanders  shall  be  told  off 
to  prepare  the  plans  of  the  new  fortifications  at 
Portsmouth,  in  the  absence  of  Royal  Engineers 
qualified  to  undertake  the  duty. 

It  shall  be  considered  high  treason  if  the 
lieutenant  aforesaid  takes  the  plans,  he  has 
himself  prepared,  from  a  safe  with  a  view  to 
acquainting  himself  of  their  contents,  and  im- 
parting the  knowledge  thus  guiltily  obtained 
to  an  anonymous  enemy  of  his  country. 

When  accused  of  the  aforesaid  crime,  the 
lieutenant  shall  be  tried  by  court  martial, 
whereat  ample  accommodation  shall  be  re- 
served for  females  in  distress. 

The  office  of  prosecutor  at  suoh  a  court 
martial  shall  be  assumed  by  a  general  officer 
senior  to  the  Commander-in-chief  at  Portsmouth,  and  one  who  has  been 
permitted  to  retain  his  A.D.C.-ship  after  promotion  from  field  rank. 
The  prisoner  shall  be  allowed  practically  to  conduct  the  proceedings 
of  the  court  martial,  and  t hall  have  opportunities  afforded  him  of 
taking  part  in  several  touching  scenes^with  the  females  in  distress. 

On  being  found  guilty,  the  lieutenant  shall  have  his  sentence  read 
to  him  in  front  of  his  regiment,  and  undergo  the  painful  and  novel 
indignity  of  degradation  to  the  ranks. 

Daring  the  execution  of  this  newly-authorised  punishment,  the 
lieutenant  shall  be  permitted  to  clasp  his  fiancee  to  his  heart  and  to 
present  her  with  the  Victoria  Cross. 

On  reinstatement  to  his  rank  the  lieutenant  shall  obtain  the  control 
of  his  regiment,  and  shall  use  his  regained  freedom  to  harangue  his 
superior  officers,  to  pardon  his  accusing  and  perjured  witness  and 
reconcile  her  to  her  father,  the  general  commanding,  and  finally  to 
embracing  the  young  lady  destined  shortly  to  become  his  wife. 

The  reinstatement  of  the  lieutenant  having  been  fixed  to  come  off 
on  the  occasion  chosen  by  the  prosecutor  at  the  court  martial  as  one 
fitting  for  the  presentation  of  new  colours  to  the  lieutenant's 
regiment,  the  prosecutor,  in  a  neat  speech,  shall  deliver  the  national 
flag  to  the  ex-prisoner  amidst  the  loudly  expressed  joy  of  all 
beholders. 

Lastly.  After  the  reinstated  lieutenant  has  received  the  National 
Flag  at  the  hands  of  the  prosecutor  aforesaid,  he  shall  give  satifao- 
tory  statistics  regarding  the  crime  of  high  treason  in  its  relation  to 
the  commissioned  ranks  of  the  British  Army.  Having  done  this, 
he  shall  be  at  liberty  to  allow  it  to  be  inferred  by  all  sufficiently 
fortunate  to  be  present  at  the  aforesaid  interesting  ceremony,  that 
it  is  the  intention  of  himself  and  his  bride  to  live  honourably,  and 
consequently  happily,  for  ever  afterwards. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUABY  4,  1896. 


DIVISION    OF    LABOUR. 

IT  IS  NOT  THE  BUSIKESS  OF  DUCAL  FoOTMBN  TO  CLEAN  THE  FAMILY   BICYCLES.       THE  LADIES  ERMTNTRT7DE  AND   ADELGITHA 

HAVE  TO  DO  IT  THEMSELVES. 


A  PEOPHET  TOO  PEEYIOUS, 

(To  the  Author  of  the  "Hill-top  Novel.") 

THE  "  Survival  of  the  Fittest"  we  begin  to  understand, 

(Though  we  sometimes  doubt  thejfacrf  of  the  survival,) 
But  the  coming  of  GBANT  ALLEN,  with  his  notions  queer,  if  grand, 

Seems  an  instance  of  its  premature  arrival. 
Many  hundred  years  ahead  of  us,  and  yet  "  dumped  down"  to-day 

Among  those  who  his  far  ancestry  should  be  1 
It  is  really  quite  "  too  previous  "  and  the  Fates  must  be  at  play 

To  perch  UDon  our  hill- tops  such  as  he. 
When  centuries  get  mixed  up  so,  and  there  comes  a  saintly  seer 

From  the  twenty-fifth,  six  centuries  in  advance, 
What  wonder  if  we  find  his  hill-top  theories  wild  and  queer, 

And  decline  at  his  new  tunes  to  up  and  dance  ? 
No.  we  don't  want  to  catch  up  to  him,  and  were  he  out  of  sight, 

We  could  wait  for  him  six  centuries,  contented, 
But  his  spectre— on  the  hill- tops —fills  the  timid  with  affright, 

And  drives  advanced  young  ladies  half-demented. 
Between  good  Mrs.  GBTJNDY  and  Miss  LANCHESTEK  it  seems 

There  are  dangers  in  our  novelist's  new  leaven, 
It  drives  one  to  hysterics,  makes  the  other  dream  strange  dreams, 

But  will  it  sweeten  home  or  brighten  heaven  ? 
You  dedicate  your  work  to  those  who  've  heart,  and  soul,  and  brain 

Enough  to  understand  it  I    Modest !    Meek,  Sir ! 
Can't  you  move  a  leetle  farther  good  GBANT  ALLEN,  and  remain — 

Weft— say  about  the  middle  of  next  week,  Sir  1 

AN  UNPEEDICrED  STOEM. 

A  STOBM  of  unusual  violence,  coming  from  the  United  Slates 
struck  the  British  coasts  on  the  18th  ult.  The  usual  storm  warning 
from  New  York  had  not  preceded  it.  It  was  accompanied  by  loud 
thunder  and  blustering  winds,  and  seemed  likely  to  cause  great 
damage.  Happily  a  condition  of  great  calmness  prevailed  over  the 
British  Isles,  the  cyclonic  disturbance  seeming  to  have  little  effect, 
unless  to  cause  a  temporary  increase  in  the  fog  and  gloom.  Since  then 
appearances  give  hope  of  greater  clearness,  with  probably  bright  and 
settled  conditions  later. 

It  is  believed  that  this  storm  originated  in  a  violent  outburst  of 


Mount  Cleveland,  a  large  volcano  hitherto  quiescent ;  and  of  Mount 
Olney,  a  smaller,  but  equally  active,  centre  of  fiery  disturbances. 
Until  recently  they  were  considered  quite  harmless.  The  Irish 
newspapers  state  that  bath  oraturs  had  bten  for  some  days  in  a  state 
of  violent  ebullition.  Before  this  outburst  the  summit  of  Mount 
Cleveland  was  densely  wooded,  and  produced  a  larger  number  of 
inferior  planks,  used  in  the  construction  of  platforms,  than  any  other 
headland  in  the  United  States.  The  present  volcanic  condition  has, 
of  court e,  entirely  superseded  the  production  of  these  inferior  planks. 


"DR.  BIECH  AND  HIS  YOUNG  FEIENDS." 

JTTST  before  the  holiday  time  a  drawing-master  was  summoned 
before  Mr.  HADEN  COBSEB  by  an  indignant  female  parent  for 
chastising  her  offspring.  The  master  had  merely  anticipated  the 
general  season  of  gifts  with  a  Christmas  Box  on  the  boy's  ear. 
"The  mother,"  observed  Mr.  HADEN  COBSEB,  with  a  staccato  touch 
of  HADEN' 8  surprise  in  his  tone,  "is  within  her  right  in  complain- 
ing," and  so  HADEN  the  Politer — never  "the  Corser''— fined  the 
drawing-master  three  guineas,  for  which  he  had  to  draw  a  cheque, 
and  bound  him  over  in  five  pounds  to  come  up  for  judgment  when 
called  on.  HADEN  the  Politer  well  and  wisely  remarked  that  it  was 
beyond  his  powers  (as  a  magistrate)  to  imagine  what  course  the 
aggrieved  parent  would  have  taken  had  her  son  been  a  public  school- 
boy at  Eton,  Harrow,  Eugby,  or  Winchester,  where  the  birch,  in 
some  form  or  other,  and  on  some  form  or  other,  or  some  part  of  it, 
was  the  rule  of  punishment,  where  the  boy  would  be  swished,  and 
where  the  head-master's  swish  over-ruled  the  parent's  wish.  At 
Eton,  and  at  any  other  public  school,  the  boy  "could  take  it  (the 
swishing)  or  leave  it  (the  school),"  and  would  be  only  too  glad  to 
accept  the  "post  hoc propter  hoc"  instead  of  having  to  retire  from 
public  (school)  life.  Every  boy  ought  to  know  how  to  take  his 
whack  and  be  glad  of  the  chance.  Also,  on  certain  occasions,  he 
should  be  able  to  return  the  whack  with  interest. 

Mr.  HADEN  COBSEB  is  the  Solomon  of  the  Bench,  and  had  he 
reminded  the  sensitive  mother  of  that  wise  saying  of  the  Wise  King 
as  to  the  sparing  of  the  rod  and  the  spoiling  of  the  child  (though  in 
this  case,  it  may  be  admitted  that  the  rod  was  not  in  question,  but 
only  a  handy  mode  of  chastisement),  it  would  not  have  been  amiss. 
The  "  Block  System  "  at  public  schools  is  a  good  one.  Floreat ! 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.— JANUARY  4,  1896. 


JUST  OFF!" 


GUABD.  "  TICKET,  SIR,  PLEASE  1  " 


LITTLE  NEW  YEAE.  "  SEASON  !  " 


UUABD.  "  TICKET,  SIR,  PLEASE  !  "  LITTLE  NEW  YEAE.  "  SEASON  ! 

GUABD.  "  THANKEE,  SIR  I    (Aside.)     HOPE  THE  LAD  WILL  GET  THAT  LUGGAGE  SAFELY  THROUGH  1  » 


JANUARY  4,  1896. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


EVERYTHING    COMES 


HIM    THAT    'WAITS.' 


THE  HAUNTED  HAT. 

(Tag-end  of  a  Ghost  Story  written  for  Christmas  or  any  other  time.) 

ANGELINA  could  not  understand  the  cause  of  her  misfortunes.  All 
through  the  day  she  had  had  the  luck  against  her.  She  had  visited  her 
favourite  spinster  aunt  (from  whom  she  expected  to  inherit  wealth  untold), 
and  that  usually  amiable  old  lady  had  treated  her  with  marked  coldness. 

"  I  don't  know  what  it  is,"  said  the  venerable  dame,  "but  there  are 
voices  in  the  air,  ANGELINA,  accusing  you  of  murder,  I  can  hear  them,  I 
can,  indeed  I " 

14  My  dear  Aunt,  what  nonsense  I  But  there,  I  only  looked  in  to  show 
you  my  new  hat.  Do  you  like  it  ?  " 

44  Well,  no,"  returned  the  elderly  spinster;  44 1  don't  care  for  such  a 
heap  of  feathers.  The  original  material  is  completely  hidden  in  a  perfect 
nest  of  wings.  The  hat  is  suggestive  of  limitless  slaughter." 

44 It  is  the  fashion,"  replied  ANGELINA,  rather  angrily;  "and  what 
is  the  fashion  must  be  nice." 

And  then  the  ruffled  maiden,  after  a  cold  adieu  addressed  to  her  aged 
relative,  took  herself  off.  She  visited  several  of  her  friends,  hut  one  and 
all  complained  of  the  voices.  They  heard  in  the  air  accusations  of  assassi- 
nation. ANGELINA  was  "  an  accessory  after  the  fact,"  and  these  cruel 
indictments  quite  eclipsed  the  success  of  the  hat.  The  head-gear  was 
pronounced  here  and  there  44  stylish,"  but  the  cry  of  "murder"  over- 
whelmed the  praise.  At  last  ANGELINA  met  EDWIN. 

44  What  is  the  matter  P  "  cried  the  girl,  as  her  betrothed  turned  away 
from  her  in  horror. 

14  Your  hat  I  "  cried  the  budding  hamster.      "  Every  feather  accuses 


you  of  erueltyl  The  voices  »f  the  birds  are  chirruping  out 
charges  of  brutality  I " 

4 'But  it  is  the  latest  fashion!"  urged  the  now  weeping 
ANGELINA.  '4  Feathers  are  all  the  vogue." 

44  And  to  procure  them  the  poor  little  songsters  of  the  grove 
are  massacred  by  millions  I  The  parent  birds  are  taken  away 
from  their  young,  and  the  fledgelings  are  allowed  to  die  of 
starvation !  Your  hat  is  eloquent  of  misery !  There  is  not  a 
wing  on  it  that  does  not  suggest  a  tragedy  1 " 

The  young  man  spoke  earnestly.  He  had  been  called  to  the 
Bar,  and  spoke  as  if  addressing  a  jury. 

44  Then  you  no  longer  love  me  1 "  sobbed  ANGELINA. 

44 How  can  I?"  replied  EDWIN.  "The  birds  are  witnesses 
against  you.  I  am  folly  aware  of  the  consequences.  I  know 
the  dangers  of  breaches  of  promises  of  marriage.  But,  ANGE- 
LINA, in  spite  of  those  dangers,  in  spite  of  possible  damages  of 
untold  amount,  I  must  withdraw.  1  can  no  longer  be  yours  I 
All  is  over  between  us !  " 

"Oh,  EDWIN!" 

And  then  not  an  altogether  strange  thing  happened — 
ANGELINA  awoke.  The  retribution  of  the  birds  had  been  a 
dream  I 

More  was  the  pity  I  It  would  be  well  for  the  feathered  tribe 
if  such  a  dream  could  become  a  reality ! 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

THE  STEEPLE-CHASE  RIDER  TO  HIS  MISTRESS 

THBBE'S  never  a  sweetheart  so  dainty  as  mine, 

Not  a  lady  so  loving  and  fair 
From  the  Rhone  to  the  Rhine,  from  the  Thames  to  the  Tyne, 

There 's  not  any  with  you  to  compare ! 
Your  eyes  are  as  bright  as  the  sun's  subtle  light, 

Yet  as  soft  as  the  moon  on  the  sea, 
And  your  form  has  the  grace  that  belongs  to  the  race 

Of  a  damsel  of  long  pedigree. 

There 's  surely  no  helpmate  so  willing  as  you. 

Have  you  never  refused  me  your  aid  ? 
In  the  world  there  are  few  hall  so  loyal  and  true 

As  you  are,  my  honny  brown  maid. 
In  the  cruellest  task  I  have  only  to  ask — 

You  care  not  for  danger  or  pain — 
When  our  fortune  seem'd  gone,  you  have  challeng'd  and  won, 

You  have  done  it  again  and  again. 

There 's  never  a  cross  word  between  you  and  me, 

And  you  listen  to  all  that  I  say. 
If  a  point  there  should  be  on  which  you  disagree, 

And  you  show  it — 'tis  only  in  play. 
You  're  the  joy  of  my  heart,  and  we  never  shall  part, 

Not  e'en  when  we  ve  finished  at  last. 
Then  the  cap,  jacket,  belt,  and  the  spurs  you  ne'er  felt, 

Will  be  memories  glad  of  the  Past  I 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

EXCELLENT  present  for  the  present  season — which,  as  our  old 
friend  WILLY  SHAKSPEABE  would  have  said,  is  "  the  season  of 
presents,"  the  New  Year's  gifts  coming  in  as  the  Old  Year, 
loaded  with  the  good  things  of  Christmas,  goes  out— is  2  he 
Vanity  Fair  Album,  with  its 
coloured  caricaturical  likenesses 
of  " celebrities"  of  all  sorts- 
more  or  less  celebrated — drawn 
chiefly  by  "  SPY,"  occasionally 
by  "  STUFF,"  and  sometimes  by 

GA.TH,"  with  notes  written  as 
an  accompaniment  hy  JEHIT 
JUNIOB.  Of  the  three  artists 
named,  "SPY,"  legitimate  suc- 
cessor of  poor  4t  PELICAN,"  is 
facile  princeps,  although,  even 
in  his  work,  it  is  very  rare  to 
find  one  picture  drawn  in  the 
ereuuine  spirit  of  caricature. 
They  are  likenesses  first,  and 
caricature  has  to  take  its  chance.  Always  you  exclaim,  How 
like  I  How  good  I "  seldom  "  How  inimitably  funny  I "  The 
frontispiece  introduces  us  to  four  sporting  gentlemen,  masters 
of  fox-hounds  in  pink— "  SPY"  pwx-it— who,  in  their  own 
persons,  represent  the  hardy  annuals  of  the  winter  season,  who, 
as  disdaining  hares,  and  not  caring  for  stags,  would  choose  for 
their  motto  "  Fox  et  prceterea  nil." 


10 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  4,  1896. 


Mr.  Boreham  (who  has  already  stayed  over  an  hour  and  talked  about  himself  the  whole  time). 

"YES,    I  'M  SORRY  TO  SAY   I  'M   A   MARTYR  TO   INSOMNIA.        I  'VB    TRIED   EVERYTHING,    BUT   I 
CANNOT  GET  SLEEP  AT  NIGHT  1  " 

His  Hostess  (sweetly].  "On,  BUT  I  CAN  TELL  YOU  A  VEKY  SIMPLE  REMEDY.     You  SHOULD 
TALK  TO  YOURSELF — AFTER  GOING  TO  BED  1 " 


OUTSIDE  I 
( With  Apologies  to  a  Mellifluous  Memory.} 

IT  chanced  a  song  the  Stoney-broke  One  sang 
Of  Fortune  and  her  wheel— m  8.  E.  slang : — 

Tarn,  Fortune,  turn  thy  -wheel,  as  'twere  a 

"bike," 

Now  cutting  records,  now  bust-up,  belike, 
Thy  wheel  and  thee  I'll  neither  "  bull "  nor 

"  bear." 

Turn,  Fortune,  turn  thy  wheel,  like  a  steam- 
pump  !  ["  slump," 
Now  up,  and  'tis  a  "boom,"  now  down— a 

I  'm  neither  Bear  nor  Bull,  and  so  don't  care. 
Smile,  and  behold  a  "  Barney,"  and  a  swell  1 
Frown,  and  'tis  still  a  "  barney  "  but  a  sell ! 

An  empty  purse  is  master  of  man's  fate. 
Turn,  turn  thy  wheel  before  the  crashing  crowd, 
Fools  who  before  the  golden  calf  have  bowed ! 

/'m  stocey-broke,  and  so  can't  speculate  I 


AN  INTERVIEW  IN  COMMON  FORM. 

(From  a  Note-book  found  in  the  land  of  Personalia.) 

TUP:  house  of  the  great  man  did  not  differ 
very  materially  from  the  dwelling-places  of 
his  neighbours.  The  regulation  portico,  the 
customary  area,  the  white-washed  stucco 
front  were  all  there  to  carry  out  the  resem- 
blance. The  hall,  too,  was  not  unlike  other 
halls  of  other  mansions.  The  butler,  the 
footman,  and  the  housemaids  had  nothing  to 
distinguish  them  from  fellow-menials  filling 
like  situations  in  other  menages. 

"  Can  I  do  anything  for  you  ?  "  asked  the 
Great  Man,  with  a  smile. 

"Well,"  I  replied,  "it  is  only  fair  to  tell 
you  that  I  come  in  the  character  of  an  inter- 
viewer. To  save  time,  I  will  not  give  you  my 
opinion  of  things  in  general,  and  yourself  in 
particular,  for  the  simple  reason  that  I  can 
add  it  as  padding  when  I  come  to  the  com- 
position of  the  article." 


"  Quite  so,"  responded  the  Great  Man,  em- 
phatically ;  "  I  commend  your  excellent  good 
sense.  And  here  let  me  say  that  this  is  not 
the  first  time  I  have  been  examined  on  behalf 
of  the  Press." 

"Certainly,  but  not  too  often.  Had  you 
1  been  done  to  death,'  to  use  a  colloquialism, 
I  should  not  have  had  the  honour  and  pleasure 
of  this  introduction.  In  fact,  you,  from  an 
editorial  point  of  view,  would  have  been 
regarded  as  valueless  for  copy." 

"No  doubt,"  returned  the  Great  Man, 
laughing  heartily  and  good-naturedly.  ' '  But 
I  have  the  advantage — thanks  to  my  scanty 
but,  for  this  purpose,  sufficient  experience— 
of  knowing  the  sort  of  thing  you  want  to 
learn.  For  instance,  I  have  a  cup  of  tea  at 
seven,  eat  a  hearty  breakfast  at  nine,  lunch 
lightly  at  two,  and  reserve  eight  o'clock  for 
dinner." 

"Thank  you  very  much,"  said  I,  making 
the  entry  in  my  note-book;  "and  now  tell 
me— do  you  take  soup  P  " 

"  I  have  not  for  many  years.  I  must  con- 
fess, too,  that  I  dilute  the  deadly  cold  of  the 
morning  tub  with  a  little  boiling  water.  I 
never  eat  sugar,  ai  d  care  nothing  for  pastry." 

"  Is  the  dislike  medicinal  or  hereditary  P  " 

"  A  mixture  of  both.  As  a  child,  the 
favourite  punishment  of  n»v  mother  was  the 
;>rder  of  no  pudding.'  Thus,  as  quite  an 
infant,  I  lost  my  appreciation  of  tarts.  What 
was  commenced  by  my  maternal  parent  was 
completed  by  my  doctor.  I  have  been  ordered 
fo  give  up  fruit  pies." 

We  laughed  heartily  at  this  quaint  descrip- 
ion,  and  for  a  moment  or  two  my  pen  was 
busy. 

"  Is  there  anything  else  I  can  tell  you  ?  " 

"I  suppose  you  go  to  the  seaside  in  the 
summer,  and  occasionally  rim  over  to  Swit- 
zerland in  the  autumn  ?  That  you  are  fond 
f  dogs  and  children  ?  That  your  wife  takes 
i  deep  intfrett  in  your  work?  Then  you 
have  cozy  corners  in  your  house,  and  that 
kind  of  thing?" 

"  To  be  sure,"  replied  the  Great  Man,  who 
had  been  nodding  affirmatively  to  my  various 
queries.  "  But  everything  connected  with 
the  house  you  will  surely  leave  to  the  photo- 
grapher ?  1  presume  I  shall  have  the  pleasure 
of  making  his  acquaintance  ?  " 

It  was  my  turn  to  bow,  and  bow  I  did,  with 
a  smile. 

"  And  now,"  said  my  host,  "  I  am  going 
to  ask  a  slight  favour.  All  I  have  told  you 
would  probably  be  equally  applicable  to  my 
(rood  friends  and  neighbours,  BROWW,  JONES, 
SMITH,  and  KOBINSON?  You  acquiesce  in 
the  suggestion  ?  Quite  so ;  then  give  all  the 
interesting  particulars  you  have  collected,  but 
avoid  mentioning  my  name." 

"  But  your  personality  is  what  will  interest 
the  public." 

"  Yes ;  but  this  sketch  will  do  for  any  one 
else  of  eminence.  Reserve  it  for  the  next 
comer." 

And,  as  the  idea  was  a  novelty,  I  adopted 
the  suggestion. 


THE  BRIDGE  OF  SIGHS. 
(Entirely  New  Version.) 

BENEATH  the  Bridge  I  often  sit  and  sigh, 

So  often,  that  I  seem  to  grow  indig- 
enous.   May  be  you  '11  want  to  ask  me  why 
Beneath  the  Bridge. 

"  A  tunnel 's  made  to  get  you  through  a  ridge. 
And  o'er  a  bridge  you  keep  afoot  on  high." 

Bat  I  'm  aboard.    Above  me,  on  the  Bridge, 
My  lover  officer  scans  sea  and  sky. 

And  though  it  grows  as  cold  as  the  Refrig- 
•  erator  late  at  night,  still  there  am  I 

Beneath  the  Bridge. 


JANUARY  4,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


11 


THE  KALENDAR  OF  FRIENDSHIP. 

(FOR  1896.) 

January. — Mr.  WILLIAM  JOITES  pre- 
sents his  compliments  to  Mr.  HENRY 
SMITH,  and  while  apologising  for  the 
liberty  he  takes  in  addressing  him,  would 
be  obliged,  &o.,  &o. 

February. — Sir, — I  have  the  honour 
to   acknowledge   the    receipt   of    your 
obliging   letter,  and   in  reply   beg   to 
state,  &o.,  &o. — Your  obedient  servant, 
WILLIAM  JONES. 

March.— Dear  Sir, — I  shall  be  very 
pleased  to  afford  you  all  the  information 
relative  to  the  matter  mentioned  in  your 
letter,  &o.,  &o. — Yours  faithfully, 

WILLIAM  JONES. 

April. — Dear  Mr.  SMITH,  —  I  much 
regret  that  I  was  not  at  home  when  you 
BO  kindly-  called  on  me  the  other  day. 
Perhaps  you  will  do  me  the  honour 
to  dine  here  one  night  at  an  early 
date?  &o.,  &o. — Yours  very  sincerely, 
WILLIAM  JONES. 

May. — Dear  SMITH, — Your  letter  is 
not  at  all  "presumptuous,"  as  you 
modestly  express  it.  Pray  be  assured 
that  you  have  my  best  offices  in  any 
thing  that  may  tend  to  your  advan- 
tage, &o.,  &c. — Yours  most  sincerely, 
WILLIAM  JONES. 

June. — My  dear  SMITHJ — Of  course  I 
shall  be  delighted  to  join  your  party. 
When  does  the  picnic  take  place  ? 
Pray  give  my  compliments  to  Mrs. 
SMITH,  &c.,  &c. 

Yours  ever,       WILLIAM  JONES. 

July. — My  dear  old  chap, — Just  got 
yours.  Of  course,  you  dear  old  fellow, 
shall  be  delighted,  and  only  too  pleased, 
to  come  to  the  christening,  and  stand 
godfather  to  the  olive  branch.  The  idea 
of  supposing  that  it  would  be  a  "  bore  " 
to  me  I  «feo.,  &c.  —  Yours  ever  most 
affectionately,  W.  J. 


AMBIGUOUS. 

"SHALL  I  WAV*  IT,  Miss?     IT  DOBS  AW  AT  WITH 
THE  PLAINNBSS." 


August. — My  dear  SMITH, — Have  you 
forgotten  my  letter  of  yesterday  week  ? 
Pray  let  me  nave  an  answer  to  it  at  your 
earliest  convenience  and  oblige 

Yours  ever,       WILLIAM  JONES. 

September. — My  dear  Mr.  SMITH, — I 
cannot  see  that  your  tardy  answer  to  my 
letters  at  all  explains  matters.    What  I 
wish  definitely  to  know  is,  &c.,  &o. 
Yours  sincerely,   WILLIAM  JONES. 

October. — Dear  Mr.  SMITH,  —  I  fail 
completely  to  understand  how,  &o.,  &o. 
Yours  very  faithfully, 

WILLIAM  JONES. 

November. — Dear  Sir  t — I  am  surprised, 
&o.,  &o.  Yours  faithfully, 

WILLIAM  JONES. 

December.— Sir, — I  positively  decline 
to  do  anything  so  ridiculous  as  to  go  to 
Belgium  with  you  for  the  purpose  of 
fighting  a  duel.  On  the  other  hand,  you 
are  certainly  at  liberty  to  go  to  Jericho, 
for  all  I  care.  —  Sir,  your  obedient 
servant,  WILLIAM  JONES. 

To  Henry  Smith,  Esq. 

N.B.— My  solicitors'  address  is,  &c.,  &c. 


The  Seven  Against— Each  Other. 

SEVEN  Minor   Bards   snatch,   with  an 

eager  glee, 

At  every  chance  of  courtly  minstrelsy ; 
'Tis  hard  the  Court  (or  Cabinet)  will 

have  none  of  them ! 
They  're  all  AaJ/-fitted  for  the  post,  you 

see ; 
Poets,  of   course,  they  none  of  them 

may  be. 
But  they  're  eff  asive  Laureates,  every 

one  of  them. 


HAPPILY  OBVIOUS.  —  That  CLEVE- 
LAND need  not  be  interpreted  Land- 
cleaver. 


"THE  IMPEOVEMENT  OF  LONDON." 

PEG  away,  Daily  Graphic,  and  advocate  weekly, 
And  strongly,  and  daily,  and  gaily,  your  dreams 

Of  beautiful  Londra.  We  bear  much  too  meekly 
Discomfort  and  ugliness ;  fight  for  your  schemes. 

Peg  away,  and  keep  showing  that  London  needs  greatly 
In  buildings  more  beauty,  in  streets  still  more  space, 

Plan  boulevards  and  squares,  lined  with  houses  more  stately, 
Combining  convenience,  grandeur,  and  grace. 

Then  Eagland  may  rise  to  a  wonderful  level, 
The  level  of  France,  of  old  Greece,  even  more  ; 

"  Schools  of  Art,"  as  at  present,  may  go  to  the — I  mean,  dogs — 
And  art  may  be  fostered  as  never  b  afore. 

Then  Wellington  Statues,  and  Shaftesbury  Fountains, 

And  Albert  Memorials  never  would  come, 
As  mouse-like  productions  of  labouring  mountains, 

To  strike  the  intelligent  foreigner  dumb. 

She  would  not  put  pictures  by  barracks,  nor  boast  that 
South  Kensington  sheds  show  her  architects'  skill ; 

She  builds  even  now,  and  requires  at  the  most  that 
Some  generou  citizen  settles  the  bill. 

The  bill  I  Daily  Graphic,  of  what  are  you  thinking  ? 

The  bill !  Oh,  my  goodness,  who  ever  will  pay  ? 
Is  England  so  rich  as  to  contemplate  sinking 

Such  sums  for  mere  beauty,  hard  cash  thrown  away  ? 


Note  by  a  "New  Novel"  Reader. 
CERTAIN  unsavoury  social  crimes  of  old 

Were  things  on  which  pure  ladies  would  not  look. 
They  're  not  so  sternly  censured  now,  I  'm  told, 

But  they  're  (by  women)  oftener  "  brought  to  book." 


NEW  DICTIONARY. 

(Being  some  occasional  notes  intended  as  a  contribution  towards  a 
"  Lady's  Own  Dictionary  of  Words  and  Phrases.") 

' '  AGGRAVATE."  This  word,  according  to  men's  dictionaries,  means 
"  to  exaggerate :  to  make  enormous,  &c." ;  but  the  fair  sex,  not  con- 
tent with  this  simple  definition,  have  given  it  another,  which  is,  to 
anger,  to  irritate.  For  instance,  in  women's  language,  the  expres- 
sion, "  an  aggravating  thing,"  is  generally  understood  to  signify  a 
person  who  causes  us  anger  or  displeasure.  If  a  man  were  to  talk  to 
a  woman  of  an  "aggravated  iniury,"  she  would  probably  not  know 
what  he  meant.  But  if  he  were  to  describe  her  dearest  friend's  con- 
duct as  aggravating,  she  would  immediately  understand  him. 

"  So."  This  little  adverb  is  a  great  favourite  with  ladies,  in  con- 
junction with  an  adjective.  For  instance,  they  are  very  fond  of 
using  such  expressions  as  "  He  is  so  charming  I "  "  It  is  so  lovely  I " 
&c.  According  to  the  rules  of  strict  grammar,  the  use  of  the  adverb 
"so,"  and  of  the  adjectives  "lovely"  and  "charming,"  requires  to 
be  followed,  in  both  these  sentences,  by  the  use  of  the  conjunction 
"that."  "He  is  so  charming!"  is  a  purely  feminine  expression. 
"He  is  so  charming  that  I  have  made  a  friend  of  him,"  is  a  purely 
masculine  one,  or  should  be  so.  It  is  satisfactory  to  know,  however, 
that  ladies  have  nothing  whatever  to  do  with  the  rules  of  strict 
grammar. 

It  is  hoped  that  these  two  extracts  will  for  the  present  suffice  to 
show  the  exceedingly  useful  character  of  the  forthcoming  publication. 


EAR!  EAK!— The  Daily  News  felicitates  the  country  on  its 
"Musical  Year."  But  why  drag  in  that  "Y"?  When  it  can 
congratulate  England  on  the  possession  of  a  musical  ear,  it  may 
indeed  inspire  a  patriotic  paean.  But  after  hearing  the  Christmas 
holidays  made  hideous  by  inharmonious  bowlings,  in  discordant  keys, 
of  "  Glorious  Seer!"  Mr.  Punch  feels  that  the  most  seasonable 
greeting  to  his  countrymen  is  "  I  wish  you  all  a  Happy  New  Ear  I " 


12 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  4,  1896. 


LONG  AGO  LEGENDS. 
YE  INNEHOLDERE  AND  HYS  DRAWERE. 

IN  Cheape  dwelled  an  Inneboldere,  and  one  daye  he  dyd  go  downe 
in  toe  hys  cellar  toe  watere  ye  ale,  as  was  hys  wante,  when  he  espyede 
hys  Drawere  drynkinge  sack  out  of  a  fla*ke  which  he  bad  tayken  toe 
hys  own  use,  and  then  place  it  in  hys  poke  for  bye-and-bye.  So  ye 

inneholdere  dyd 
lie  in  wate  for 
hjra,  and  on  hys 
coming  oute  dide 
taxe  hym  withe  ye 
thefte.  "Nay, 
goode  master," 
sayde  ye  Drawere, 
"rtis  not  thefte, 
for  you  are  payde 
for  itte ;  I  dyd  but 
no  we  deposite  ye 
pryce  of  itte  in  ye 
tille  whereyou  will 
finde  itte  withall." 
But  j e  Innehol- 
dere,  knowing 
thys  toe  be  alle 
lese,  dyd  take 
a  wave  from  hym 
ye  11  ask  e  and  dyd 
boxe  hym  on  >• 
eerys  and  bytte 
hym  in  ye  iye,  re- 
markynge}6  while, 
"Nay,  'tis  you 
who  are  payde  for 
itt«." 

Then  je  Drawere 

dyd  retaliate  malapertelie  withe  hys  tcngue  in  such  a  waye  that  itte 
can  notte  here  be  chroniclede. 

"  Ho,"  cryed  ye  Inneholdere,  "  woulde  you  gyve  me  chyke  in  mine 
owne  house  ?  Knowe,  knave,  that  I  pi  aye  firste  fiddle  here ! " 

"  And  no  marvelle,"  replyed  ye  Drawere,  "  conbyderinge  it  is 
suche  a  vile  inne." 

And  dyd  ye  Inneholdere  forgyve  hym  on  account  of  thys  plea- 
santerie?  Peradventure ;  for  it  is  saide  he  dyd  then  and  thtre  give 
hjm  y*  eack. 

HOW  TO  KEEP  A  DIARY. 

(Taught  by  the  Cotitents.) 

January  1. — Intend  to  preserve  in  this  little  volume  the  written 
record  of  my  life.  Now  and  again  I  shall  give  my  thoughts,  my 
aspirations.  Any  event  of  commanding  importance,  of  course,  will 
appear  in  its  proper  sequence  in  these  pages.  I  shall  not  omit  refer- 
ence to  domestic  details  of  purely  personal  interest,  for  out  of  such 
seemingly  homely  materials  many  an  interesting  biography  is  ulti- 
mately carefully  compiled.  And  now  to  commence.  Went  out 
to-day  to  have  my  hair  cat.  Later  on,  a  family  gathering.  Present, 
my  Uncle  JACK,  Aunt  JEMIMA,  and  the  boys.  Dinner  passed  off 
pleasantly.  The  only  discordant  note  was  BOBBY'S  allusion  to 
Coufcin  POTTEB'S  will.  I  think  the  contretemps  that  followed  was 
caused  by  thoughtlessness  rather  than  by  malice.  Still,  it  was  a  bad 
omen  for  the  otherwise  glad  New  Year. 

January  2. — And  now  to  continue  the  story  of  my  career  from  day 
to  day.  Obliged  to  go  out.  Will  return  to  this  volume  when  I  get 
home. 

January  12. — Had  my  hair  cut.  Gloves,  3s.  &d.  Fellow  told  me 
last  night  that  the  only  way  to  get  good  cheroots  was  to  write  to 
Manilla  direct. 

January  31.— Afraid  I  have  not  kept  this  diary  very  regularly. 
However  will  make  a  fresh  start,  and  not  get  into  arrears  again. 
This  tTiorninsr  I  rose  at  seven,  had  breakfast  (sausages,  tea,  and  f  ggs) 
at  eight  Off  to  chambers  at  ten.  Led  in  an  important  case  (Baulks 
versus  Corkes)  and  obtained  a  verdict.  TOMKINS,  J.,  complimented 
me.  On  my  way  home  met  my  Cousin  CHABLIE.  He  dined  with  us, 
and  tells  me  that  GTTSSIE  returned  from  Canada  last  Autumn.  She 
is  engaged  to  be  married-  Dear  me!  How  time  flies!  It  seems 
onlv  the  other  day  that  she  was  playing  with  her  doll ! 

March  5. — Had  my  hair  out  to-day.  Must  keep  this  diary  more 
regularly.  What  is  the  benefit  of  a  diary  unless  you  use  it  ?  Pause 
for  a  reply.  Saw  the  BEVEBLEY  ROBINSONS  in  the  Park.  It  appears 
that  it  was  not  their  fault  that  the  silver  epergne  passed  out  of  the 
family,  The  facts  are  these 

March  6. — Was  interrupted  yesterday  as  I  was  giving  the  true 
story  of  the  epergne.  However  it  is  just  as  easy  and  appropriate  to 
enter  it  under  this  date  as  any  other.  Well,  to  commence 


April  19.— Omnibus  2d.  Cab  2s.  Qd.  Gingerbread  nuts  4d.  Re- 
payment of  portion  of  loan  at  Bank  £153  10s.  6d.  Address  of,  the  man 
with  marble  statues— 247,  Araminta  Avenue  East,  Lower  Tooting 
Lane. 

May  1.— Really  ashamed  to  find  how  slack  I  have'been  in  keeping 
this  diary.  However,  in  future  I  will  make  entries  daily.  'Ibis 
morning  went  to  the  British  Museum  to  verify  dates  in  my  new 
book,  Remembrances  Recalled  on  the  Stage-side  of  the  Green  Cur- 
tain. I  was  right.  Professor  Anderson  was  lessee  of  Covent  Garden 
Opera-house  when  it  was  burned  down  after  a  bal  masque.  Met 
CHABLIE  HOGABTH.  The  same  as  ever.  Awfullv  good  fellow.  Dined 
at  the  club,  and  went  to  see  Sinbad  up  to  Date.  Quite  like  old 
times.  A  morsel  of  mild  American  cheese  in  a  plain  lettuce  salad  not 
half  bad.  CHABLIE'S  recipe.  Good  chap,  CHABLIE  ! 

August  3. — Decided  to  go  to  Kiel. 

September  9.— Braces,  Is.  §d.  GUSSIE  married  the  Captain.  My 
present  of  a  card-table,  made  of  Japanese  fans,  pretty.  Only 
fault,  there  were  nine  other  duplicates.  That's  the  worst  of  getting 
wedding-gifts  from  the  Stores.  Some  other  chappie  is  sure  to  choose 
the  same ! 

October  25.— My  birthday  I  I  have  been  sadly  remiss  in  keeping 
this  diary  hitherto,  and  will  mend  the  fault  for  the  remainder  of  the 
quickly  passing  year.  To-day  I  reach  my  prime.  Well,  I  have  not 
done  so  badly ;  my  practice  is  fairly  good— at  any  rate  pays  the  rent 
of  my  chambers,  and  keeps  me  in  gowns  and  wigs.  Then  my  editor- 
ship of  The  Moon- Gazers  Monthly  Magazine  has  been  entirely 
satisfactory  to  the  proprietors.  If  I  quarrelled  with  Bossy's  ROSIK 
it  is  only  because  she  was  so  extremely  rude  to  poor  dear  TaixY  in 
'he  train.  However,  in  that  matter,  it 's  more  their  loss  than  ours! 
So  I  can  regard  the  situation  with  equanimity  I 

November  12. — Had  my  hair  cut. 

December  14.— Gloves  3*.  6d.  Aunt  MABIA'S  day  is  first  and 
third  Fridays.  Kidneys  cut  into  thin  slices,  then  covered  with 
bread-crumbs,  then  broiled. 

December  27.— Went  to  the  play  last  night.  Did  not  see  very 
much,  as  my  box  appeared  to  be  a  sort  of  converted  doorway.  Per- 
formance (so  far  as  1  could  judge)  as  per  usual.  Omnibus  for  us  both, 
Is.  \d.  Gave  blind  crossing  sweeper  half-a-crown  instead  of  a 
penny.  It  is  a  mistake  of  that  character  which  disgusts  one  with 
charity. 

December  28. — Had  my  hair  cut. 

December  30. — Soleing  boots,  4s.  6d. 

December  31. — And  so  this  i*  the  last  day  of  the  365 1  I  find  that 
I  have  not  kept  to  my  original  intention  in  this  volume.  But  I  have 
bought  a  new  diary,  and  will  try  to  do  better  next  year. 


THE  AUGUSTAN  AGE  AT  OLYMPIA. 

THE  classic  ground  close  to  the  elongated  mile  once  known  as 
"  Punch's  Railway"  is  again  popular.  Thanks  to  the  efforts  of  the 
great  DBUBIOLANTJS-CCM-ADDISONBODIAS,  Olympia  is  very  much  to 
the  fore.  On  Boxing  afternoon  and  night  crowds  thronged  to  see 
the  last  thing  in  Derbys  and  the  newest  idea  of  the 
Chitral  campaign.  Both  events  are  perfect  mar- 
vels of  realism.  The  mob  that  supplies  a  back- 
ground to  the  winning  of  the  Blue  Riband  of  the 
Turf  could  not  be  surpassed  as  a  specimen  of  "  the 
convincing."  There  are  real  '"'ABBIES"  and 
"'ABBIETS,''  soldiers,  sailors,  acrobats,  and,  last 
but  not  least,  police-constables.  The  horses,  too, 
seem  to  enjoy  the  sport,  and  if  they  are  not  all 
"winners,"  they  compare  favourably  with  many  a 
successful  competitor  for  a  Queen's  Plate.  But 
the  feature  of  the  equestrian  show  is  unquestion- 
ably the  crowd  of  spectators.  With  the  assistance 
of  many  hundreds  of  auxiliaries,  the  hill  is  realised 
with  its  numberless  vehicles,  its  series  of  booths, 
and,  last  and  least,  its  poor,  forlorn,  forsaken,  and 
much-chivied  Derby  dog.  Then  Olympia  has,  as 
is  quite  right  and  correct,  races  by  ladies,  bicycles 
and  donkeys.  Those  who  are  to  be  responsible  for 
the  coming  meeting  in  Athens  might  secure  an 
object-lesson  in  West  Kensington.  If  Greece  follows  in  the  wake  of 
the  Addison  Road,  all  should  be  well  at  the  international  gathering 
of  athletes. 

And  if  the  Race  for  the  Derby  is  satisfactory,  the  Relief  of  Chitral 
is  equally  excellent.  The  soldiers  who  gallantly  occupy  the  boards, 
once  the  home  of  the  largest  ballet  troupe  of  the  world,  are  reserve 
men,  and  members  of  that  constitutional  force,  "  the  bold  Militia." 
These  fine  fellows  must  delight  the  descendants  of  the  Brook  Green 
Volunteer,  whose  traditional  training-ground,  it  will  be  remem- 
bered, was  in  the  neighbourhood.  For  the  rest,  there  is  every 
prospect  that  the  present  excellent  entertainment  will  diaw  crowded 
houses  twice  daily  to  Olympia  far  into  the  glad  New  Year,  and 
possibly  into  those  years  to  come  in  the  approaching  century. 


JANUARY  11,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


J3 


To  the  President  of  the  Royal 
Academy  of  Arts.\ 

MY  LOBD,— On  this  auspi- 
cious Occasion  I  have  the 
honour  to  offer  mv  Congratu- 
lations. My  Friend,  Dr. 
SAMUEL  JOHNSON,  of  whose 
Literary  Attainments  vou 
have  been  informed  by  his  Bio- 

frapher,  Mr.  BOSWELL,  would 
oubtless  join  me  in  my 
Felicitations  to  your  Lordship, 
my  successor,  if  he  were  not  at 
present  somewhat  disturbed  in 
mind  by  the  Contemplation  of 
the  melancholy  fact  that  his 
Dictionary  is  ripidly  becom- 
ing obsolete.  He  passes  many 
hours  in  lonelv  Meditation, 
murmuring  to  himself  words 
of  some  barbarous  Jargon,  such 
as  "bike,"  "slumo."  "jingo," 
and  the  like.  This  circum- 
stance is  the  more  to  be 
regretted,  since  he  has  com- 
mended several  of  vour 
Addresses,  written  in  Lan- 
guage even  more  classic,  more 
stately,  and,  perhaps,  more 
beautiful  than  his  own,  and 
would,  therefore,  have  felt 
assured  that  by  your  Lordship, 
in  any  case,  his  Dictionary  is 
still  consulted  and  admired. 
Mr.  GOLDSMITH  and  Mr. 
GAKBICK  request  me  to  con- 
vey their  Good  Wi«hes.  I 
have  the  honour  to  be,  Your 
Lordship's  most  obedient, 
humble  servant, 

JOSHUA  REYNOLDS. 

HlGHWELLBOBN   BABON,  — 
At  this,  at  the  highests,  joyish 


CONGRATULATIONS1,  FROM  THE  ELYSIAN  FIELDS. 


/ 


learned  I  the  english  Speech. 
Now  fee  we  a  german  Kaiser 
who  him? elf  to  paint  endea- 
vours. But  what  endeavour* 
he  not  to  doP  Thunder- 
weather,  all  things  I  If  he 
only  like  you  to  paint  could  I 

I  have  the  honour  yet  again 
to  congratulate  you,  High- 
wellborn  Baron. 

HOLBEIN. 


„ , .,_.,  ,..„     The  first  P.E.A.  (Sir  Joshua  Keynolds)  pays  his  respects  to  Lord  Leighton,  P.B  A.         A  uag  yuu  , 

Day  send  I  my  friendlyest  Happinesswuhep.    In  the  sixteenth  Year  le  Baron,  all  my  felicitations,  and  the  assurance  of  _ 

hundred  lived  I  to  London,  as  HENEY  THE  EIGHTH  King  was,  and  so   sentiments.  AHTOIN'E  WATIEAU. 


ILLUSTBISSIMO  SIGNOR 
BAKONE,— Not  I  have  much 
studied  the  her  language,  but 
me  permit  to  offer  thousand 
happy  auguries  to  Her,  the 
first  english  painter  who  has 
become  Baron. 

I  have  the  honour  to  say 
myself,  of  Your  Excellency 
the  humblest  and  devotedest 
servant, 

RAITAELLO  SANZIO. 

MONSIEUB,  LE  BABON,  —  J 
come  to  make  to  you  my 
felicitations  the  most  warm  a1 
the  occasion  of  the  Day  of  the 
year,  the  day  when  you  havt 
received  a  gift  -une  etrennt 
—of  the  most  charmings,  tlu 
title  which  you  merit  so  well 
Since  long  time  you  have 
painted,  as  me,  the  nymi  h- 
and  the  shepherds,  but  th 
yours  are  those  of  the  old 
Greece,  and  the  mine  ar 
those  of  the  court  of  the 
Great  Monarch.  But  we  have 
the  same  tastes  and,  if  I  may 
venture  to  eay  it,  the  same 
talent. 
I  beg  you  to  agree,  Monsieur 


THEN  AND  NOW.— A  TEBPSICHOBEAN  CONTRAST. 
[The  Countess  of  ANCASTER  deplores  the  bad  manners  of  the  dancing 

people  of  to-day.] 
OLD  STYLE.  NEW  STYLB. 


Gentleman.  May  I  have  the 
exquisite  delight  of  being  your 
ladyship's  humble  cavalier  in  the 
coming  country  dance  P 

Lady.  Oh,  Sir,  you  are  vastly 
polite,  and  I  am  overwhelmed  by 
your  request ! 

Gent.  Do  I  then  make  too  bold  ? 

Lady.  Oh,  Sir,  I  would  not  have 
you  misconstrue  my  words  I 

Gent.  May  I  then  reckon  upon 
your  treading  the  measure  with 
your  devoted  servant  ? 

Lady.  I  may  not  say  you  nay, 
Sir-  [Curtsey  g. 

Gerif.  Madam,  you  are  too  con- 
de'cerdi  g.     I  will  not  fail  to 
claim  your  hand. 
[Retires  toith  courteous  humility. 


Gentleman.  Ah,  Lady  FLO- 
BENCB,  got  an  entry  left,  or  is 
your  b0ok  full  ? 

Lady  (looking  at  card).  Well — 
here 's  a  quadrille  running  loose. 

Gent.  Oh,  hang  quadrilles! 
T  'm  not  out  for  walking  exercise. 
Not  on  the  square,  twiggey  vous  ? 

Lady  (laughing).  Yon  funny 
old  cripple  I  Here 's  a  polka  I  'm 
not  sure  about. 

Gent.  A  polka  That's  my 
form !  We  '11  fire  right  into  the 
brown  of  'em,  and  have  a  glass  of 
the  boy  afterwards,  eh  P 

Lady.  It 's  a  bet. 

Gent.  Done.    So  long. 
[Strolls  off,  humming  a  music- 
hall  air. 


SOMETHING  FOR  HIM  TO  DO. 

AT  this  time  of  excitement,  Mr.  Punch  drinks  the  new  Laureate's 
health,  and  calls  upon  him  for  a  song,  impromptu,  appropriate,  and 
to  be  sapg  immediately.  Anything  patriotic  he  may  have  handy 
will  do.  The  moment  is  critical,  which  is  more  than  his  enthusiastic 
ludtence  will  be,  if  he  only  pitches  it  in  the  right  key.  But  Lord 
SALISBUBT,  who  has  made  the  piper,  has  a  right  to  call  the  tune.  By 
the  way,  according  to  a  note  in  The  Westminster,  the  new  Laureate 
is  entitled  to  receive,  all  in  a  lump,  the  salary  due  for  the  three  past 
rs  dunng  which  time  the  office  has  been  vacant.  So  the  first  thing 

IFBED,  monarch  of  minor  poets,  will  have  to  do  is,  not  to  sing,  bat 

VOL.  ex. 


to  "  draw."  Hooray  I  for  SALISBURY  and  Salary  I  Quite  a  Snnday- 
best-and-Top-Hat-ford  Day !  Tune  up!  Twang  the  lyre  I  What 
rhymes  to  "  Pretoria"  if  not  "Victoria"  P  But  rather  less  easy  to 
get  something  neat  to  rhyme  with  "Venezuela,"  ehP  Still,  within 
the  reach  of  practical  poetry  and  the  petit  maitre. 


A  CASE  IN  COURT  REHEARD. 

ALL  Abroad  finds  itself  "quite  at  home"  at  the  Court  Theatre. 
Mr.  WILLIE  EDOUIN  very  funny,  with  hi*  finein?  and  dancing,  and 
with  his  phonographic  business.  Miss  MAT  EDOUIN  is  a  charming 
ingenue,  delighting  the  jury  of  the  Court 
with  a  very  pretty  song,  "Two  Sweet  Little 
Love  Birds."  Elle  ira  loin.  Mr.  SCGDEN 
appears  as  a  witness  to  "  character  "  : 
capital.  Mr.  FBED  KATE  is  as  ecoentrio  as 
ever,  and  Mr.  DAVID  JAMES  acting,  dancing, 
and  singing,  follows  in  the  footsteps  of  his 
father,  especially  in  the  dancing.  Miss 
GJUCB  PALOTTA  makes  a  hit  with  the  song 
of  "  The  Business  Girl.1"  Altogether  the 
amusing  evening's  entertainment  has  not 
suffered  in  its  transit  across  London  fr<  m 
the  Criterion — where  it  gained  a  favourable 
verdict  at  the  bar  of  public  opinion — to  the 
Court,  where,  it  having  been  already  "part 
heard,"  it  is  being  tried  over  again,  until 
further  notice,  before  new  judges  and 
juries,  who  have  to  pronounce  upon  several  , 
new  songs,  of  which  not  a  few  are  encored,  «/' 
and  before  whom  is  brought  a  mass  of  new  evidence  not  produced  at 
the  previous  trial.  The  verdict  ought  to  be  Success;  and,  at  all 
events,  the  members  of  Miss  CISSY  GRAHAM'S  Company  at  Manager 
CHUDLZIGH'S  theatre  "have  the  Court  with  them." 


MOTTO,    AT    PBESENT,    FOB    SotTH    AFBICAN  DIFFICULTY. — "  Post 

'  CBAUBSRLAIN'  sedet  atra  euro." 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  11,  1896, 


ALFRED   THE    LITTLE. 

Sir  Edw-n  Arn-ld  (bitterly).  "  '  FORTUNATUS  1 '    HA  I  HA  I "  Sir  L-w-s  M-rrs  (moodily).  "  '  ENGLAND'S  DARLIKG  ? '    Hu  !  HB  1 

"The  QUETN  has  been  pleased  to  appoirt  AIFBED  AUSTIN,  Erq.,  to  be  Poet  Laureate  to  Her  Majesty."— Daily  Tapers,  January  1,  1896. 


JANUARY  11,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI, 


15 


OUR    OVERWORKED    BISHOPS. 


The  Rector's  Wife.  "HAVE  YOU  HEARD  FROM  THE  BISHOP,  DEAR,  ABOUT  THE  ALTERATIONS  YOU  PROPOSED  TO  MAKE  IN  THE  SERVICES?" 
The  Rector.  "  YES  ;  I  HAVE  JUST  GOT  A  POSTCARD  FROM  HIS  LITTLE  BOY.    THIS  is  IT: — 

'  THS  PALACE,  BAROHXSTXR. — PAPA  SAYS  YOU  MUSTN'T.'  " 


NEW  YEAR'S  DAY 

(On  Parnassus] — 
OR,  THE  APOTHEOSIS  OF  ALFRED  THE  LITTLE. 

Alfred  the  Little  tunes  up  on  his  new  Official  Harp  to  an  old  air  of 
Alfred  the  Great1  s  ; — 

You  must  take  and  call  me  Laureate,  Poet  Laureate,  brethren  dear, 
For  to-morrow  I  '11  be  the  happiest  bard  of  all  this  glad  New  Year ; 
My  glad  Muse  chimes,  not  "vapid  rhymes,"  but  the  maddest, 

merriest  lay, 
For  I  am  QUEEN'S  Poet  to-day,  brethren,  I  am  Court  Minstrel 

to-day  1 

There's  many  a  gushing  muse,  men  say,  but  none  can  gush  like 

mine ; 

There 's  ARNOLD  and  there's  MORRIS,  both  can  lip  the  laureate  line; 
Bat  none  so  well  as  little  ALFRED  in  all  the  land,  thev  say, 
So  I  'm  to  be  Poet  Laureate,  brethren,  all  upon  New  Year's  Bay  I 

I  '11  now  sleep  sound  o'  nights,  from  dreadful  dreams  no  more  I  '11 

wake, 

lhat  ALGERNON  or  WILLIAM  they  will  Poet  Laureate  make. 
But  I  must  gather  flowery  tropes  and  flatteries  fine  and  gay, 
For  I  'm  ALFRED  THE  GREAT'S  successor,  brethren,  dating  from  New 

Year's  Day  I 

As  I  came  down  the  street  called  Fleet,  whom  think  ye  I  should  see, 
But  EDWIN,  bland  and  Japanesque,  bard  of  the  Daily  T.  ? 
He  thought  his  chance  was  good,  brethren,  lord  of  the  Orient  lay, 
But  I  've  whipped  him  on  New  Year's  Day,  brethren,  done  him  on 
New  Years  Day. 

He  looked  pale  as  a  ghost,  brethren,  exceeding  weird  and  white, 
For  the  singer  of  "  The  Season  "  now  had  dimmed  his  Asian  Light. 
They  say  I  'm  a  Party  pick,  brethren,  but  I  care  not  what  they  say, 
For  I 'm  crowned  upon  New  Year's  Day,  brethren,  laurelled  on  New 
Year's  Day  1 

They  say  that  limpid  LEWIS  is  as  mad  as  mad  can  be ; 
They  say  young  ERIC  is  making  moan— what  is  that  to  me  ? 


There's  many  a  better  bard  than  I,  or  so  sour  critics  say, 

But  little  ALFRED  has  taken  the  cake,  all  upon  New  Year's  Day. 

Little  ALFRED  has  licked  them  all,  as  shall  right  soon  be  seen, 
The  loy  allest  lyrist  of  all  the  lot  to  his  Country  and  his  Queen. 
I  've  out-sonnetted  WILLY  WATSON  in  my  Tory-patriot  way, 
So  I  've  passed  dear  WILL  up  the  "  Sacred  Hill,"  all  upon  New 
Year  s  Day  I 

For  WILLY,  with  wild  and  whirling  words,  had  pitched  into  the 

Powers, 
And  invoked  the  name  of  the  old  recluse  who  at  Harwarden  groins 

and  glowers ; 

For  he 's  got  a  bee  ia  his  bonnet  about  the  woes  of  Ar-me-ni-a ; 
So  I  look  down  on  him  from  Parnassian  peaks,  all  upon  New  Year's 

Day  I 

Yes,  I  am  "  Fortunatus,"  brethren,  and  "England's  Darling"! 

Hum! 

This  harp  is  big,  and  wide  in  stretch,  and  nef  ds  long  arms  to  thrum. 
But  if  I  stand  a-tiptoe  I  shall  manage  it,  I  dare  fay, 
And  I  'm  Poet  Laureate,  anyhow,  all  upon  New  Year's  Diy  I 

I  wonder  now  if  ALFRED  THE  GREAT— and  grufE— with  joy  would 

thrill 

If  he  saw  me  twanging  the  Laureate  lyre  on  the  Parnassian  Hill  ? 
He  once  was  a  leetle  rude  to  me  when  on  him  I  had  said  my  say, 
Like  LYTTON  to  him ;  but  J'm  Laureate  now,  all  upon  New  Year's 

Day! 

So  you  must  take  and  call  me  Laureate,  Poet  Laureate,  brethren 

dear, 
And  I  'm  sure  that  EDWIN,  and  Liwi9,  and  WILLIAM  will  wish  me 

a  Happy  New  Y<  ar. 

II  My  Satire  and  its  Censors  "  have  not  stood  in  my  upward  wav  ; 
"Ambition    ended"    I'm    Laureate— at   last— upon   Ney    Year's 

Day!!!  ===== 

As  IT  SHOULD  BK.— The  Foreign  Committee  of  the  American 
House  of  Representatives  having  reported  in  favour  of  Mr.  BAYARD, 
he  is  now,  like  his  prototype,  tans  reproche  as  w«ll  as  sans  peur. 


16 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  11,  1896. 


JOTTINGS   AND   TITTLINGS. 

(By  BABOO  HUBBY  BUNGSHO  JABBEBJEB,  B.A.) 

No.  II. 
Some  account  of  Mr.  Jabberjee's  experiences  at  the  Westminster  Play. 

BEING  forearmed  by  editorial  beneficence  with  ticket  of  admission 
io  theatrical  entertainment  by  adolescent  students  at  ^Westminster 
College,  I  presented  myself  on  the  scene  of  acting  in  a  state_  of 
liveliest  and  frolicsome  anticipation  on  a  certain  Wednesday  evening 
in  the  month  of  December  last,  about  7.20  P.M. 

At  the  summit  of  the  stairs  I  was  received  by  a  posse  of  polite  and 
stalwart  striplings  in  white  kids,  who,  after  abstracting  large 
circular  orifice  from  my  credentials,  ordered  me^  to  ascend  to  a  lofty 
gallery,  where,  on  arriving,  I  found  every  chair  pre-occupied,  and 
moreover  was  restricted  to  a  prospect  of  the  backs  of  numerous 
javenile  heads,  while  expected  to  remain  the  livelong  evening  on  the 
tiptoe  of  expectation  and  Shank's  mare ! 

This  for  a  while  I  endured  submissively  from  native  timidity  and 
retirement,  until  my  bosom  boiled  over  at  the 
sense  of  "Civis  Romanus  sum"  and,  de- 
scending to  the  barrier,  I  harangued  the 
wicket-keeper  with  great  length  and  fervid 
eloquence,  informing  nim  that  I  was  graduate 
of  high-class  Native  University  after  passing 
most  tedious  and  difficult  exams  with  fugitive 
colours,  and  that  it  was  injurious  and  dele- 
terious to  my  "mens  sana  in  corpore  sano" 
to  remain  on  legs  for  some  hours  beholding 
wbat  I  practically  found  to  be  invisible. 

But,  though  he  turned  an  indulgent  ear  to 
my  quandary,  he  professed  his  inability  to 
help  me  over  my  "  pons  asinorum,"  until  I 
ventured  to  play  the  ticklish  card  and  inform 
him  that  I  was  a  distinguished  representa- 
tive of  Hon'ble  Punch,  who  was  paternally 
anxious  for  me  to  be  awarded  a  seat  on  the 
lap  of  luxury. 

Then  he  unbended,  and  admitted  me  to  the 
body  of  the  auditorium,  where  I  was  con- 
ducted to  a  coign  of  vantage  in  near  proximity 
to  members  of  the  fair  sex  and  galaxy  of 
beauty. 

Thus,  by  dint  of  nude  gumption,  I  was  in 
the  bed  of  clover  and  seventh  heaven,  and 
more  so  when,  on  inquiry  from  a  bystander, 
I  understood  that  the  performance  was  taken 
from  Mr.  TERBJSS'S  Adelphi  Theatre,  which 
[  had  heard  was  conspicuous  for  excellence 
in  fierce  ccmbats,  blood-curdling  duels,  and 
scenes  in  court.  And  I  narrated  to  him  bow 
I  too,  when  a  callow  and  unfledged  hobbardy- 
hoy,  had  engaged  in  theatrical  enterlain- 
ments,  and  played  such  parts  in  native 
dramas  as  heroic  giant-killers  and  tiger 
players,  in  which  I  was  an  " au  fait"  and 
"facile  princeps,"  also  in  select  scenes  from 
SHAKBPEABE'S  play  of  Macbeth  in  English 
and  being  correctly  attired  as  a  Scotch. 

But  presently  I  discovered  that  the  play 
was  quite  another  sort  of  Adelphi,  being  a 


"  A  golden-headed  umbrella,  fresh  as  a  rose." 


jocose  comedy  by  a  notorious  ancient  author  of  the  name  of 
TEBENCE,  and  written  entirely  k  in  Latin,  which  a  contiguous 
damsel  expressed  a  fear  lest  she  should  find  it  incomprehensible 
and  obecure.  I  hastened  to  reassure  her  by  explaining  that,  having 

!»„,._      4........J      ««4.      *.  ,  „_  A.;.Ii  _^A  _  J       T>      A          1 T__    _i*  At     11  T      i 


been  turned  out  as  a  certificated  B.A.  by  Indian  College,  I  had 


elderly  gentlemen,  appeared,  they  were  all  exclusively  masculine  in 
gender,  and  there  was  nothing  done  but  to  converse  by  twos  and 
threes.  When  the  third  portion  opened  with  a  long-desiderated 
peep  of  petticoats,  I  told  my  neighbour  confidently  that  now  at  last 
we  were  to  see  this  dancing  girl  and  the  abduction;  but  the  replied 
that  it  was  not  so,  for  these  females  were  merely  the  mother  of  the 
wife  of  another  of  the  youths  and  her  attendant  ayah.  And  even 
this  precious  pair,  after  weeping  and  wringing  their  hands  for  a 
while,  vanished,  not  to  appear  again. 

Now_as  the  entertainment  proceeded,  I  fell  into  the  dumps  with 
increasing  abashment  and  mortification  to  see  everyone  around  me, 
ay,  even  the  women  and  the  tenderest  juveniles  I  clap  the  hands  and 
laugh  in  their  sleeves  with  merriment  at  quirks  and  gleeks  in  which 
—in  spite  of  all  my  classical  proficiency — I  could  not  discover  le  mot 
pour  rire  or  crack  so  much  as  the  cream  of  a  jest,  but  must  sit  there 
melancholy  as  a  gib  cat  or  smile  at  the  wrong  end  of  the  mouth. 

For,  indeed,  I  began  to  fear  that  I  had  been  fobbed  off  with  the 
smattered  education  of  a  painted  sepulchre,  that  I  should  fail  so 
dolorously  to  comprehend  what  was  plain  as  a  turnpike-staff  to  the 
veriest  British  babe  and  suckling  I 

However,  on  observing  more  closely,  I  dis- 
covered that  most  of  the  grown-up  adults 
present  had  books  containing  the  translation 
of  all  the  witticisms,  which  they  secretly 
perused,  and  that  the  feminality  were  also 
provided  with  pink  leaflets  on  which  the  dark 
outline  of  the  plot  was  perspicuously  in- 
scribed. Moreover,  on  casting  my  eyes  up  to 
the  gallery,  I  perceived  that  there  were  over- 
seers there  armed  with  long  canes,  and  that 
the  smell  youths  did  not  indulge  in  plauda- 
tions  and  hilarity  except  when  threatened  by 
these. 

And  thereupon  I  took  heart,  seeing  that 
the  proceedings  were  clearly  veiled  in  an 
obsolete  and  cryptic  language,  and  it  was 
(•imply  matter  of  rite  and  custom  to  applaud 
at  fixed  intervals,  so  I  did  at  Rome  as  the 
Romans  did,  and  was  laughter  holding  both 
his  sides  as  often  as  I  beheld  the  canes  in  a 
state  of  agitation. 

I  am  not  unaware  that  it  is  to  bring  a  coal 
from  Newcastle  to  pronounce  any  critical 
opinion  upon  the  ludibriqus  qualities  of  so 
antiquated  a  comedy  as  this,  but,  while  I  am 
wishful  to  make  every  allowance  for  its 
having  been  composed  in  a  period  of  pre- 
historic barbarity,  I  would  still  hazard  the 
criticism  that  it  does  not  excite  the  simpering 
guffaw  with  the  frequency  of  such  modern 
standard  works  as,  exempli  gratia,  Miss 
Brown,  or  The  Aunt  of  Charley,  to  either 
of  which  I  would  award  the  palm  for  pure 
whimsicality  and  gawkiness. 

Candour  compels  me  to  admit,  however, 
that  the  conclusion  of  the  Adelphi,  in  which 
a  certain  magician  summoned  a  black-robed, 
steeple-hatted  demon  from  the  nether  world, 
who,  after  commanding  a  minion  to  give  a 
pickle- back  to  sundry  grotesque  personages, 
did  castigate  their  ulterior  portions  severely 
with  a  large  switch,  was  a  striking  ameliora- 


acquired  perfect  familiarity  aid  nodding  acquaintance  with  the 


gratitude.  When  the  performance  commenced  with  a  scenic  repre- 
sentation of  the  Roman  Acropolis,  and  a  venerable  elderly  man 
soliloquising  lengthily  to  himself,  and  then  carrying  on  a  protracted 
logomachy  with  another  greybeard — although  1  understood  sundry 
colloquial  idioms  and  phrases  such  as  "  uxorem  duxit,"  "  carum 
mihi,"  "quid  agis?"  "cur  amatf"  and  the  like,  all  of  which  I 
assiduously  translated  viva  voce—I  could  not  succeed  in  learning  the 
reason  why  they  were  having  such  a  snip-snap,  until  the  interval, 
when  the  lady  informed  me  herself  that  it  was  because  one  of  them 
had  carried  off  a  nautch-girl  belonging  to  the  other's  son — which 
caused  me  to  marvel  greatly  at  her  erudition. 

I  looked  that,  in  the  next  portion  of  the  performance,  I  might 
behold  the  nautch-girl,  and  witness  her  forcible  rescue— or  at  least 
some  saltatory  exhibition;  but,  alaek!  she  remained  sotto  voce  and 
hermetically  sealed ;  and  though  other  characters,  in  addition  to  the 


tion  and  betterment  upon  the  preceding  scenes,  and  evinced  that 
TKRENCE  possessed  no  deficiency  of  up-to-date  facetiousness  and 
genuine  humour  ;  though  I  could  not  but  reflect—"  O,  si  sic 
omnia!"  and  lament  that  he  should  have  hidden  his  vis  comic  a 
for  so  long  under  the  stifling  disguise  of  a  serviette. 

I  am  a  beggar  at  describing  the  hurly-burly  and  most  admired 
disorder  amidst  which  I  performed  the  descent  of  the  staircase  in  a 
savage  perspiration,  my  elbows  and  heels  unmercifully  jostled  by  a 
dense,  unruly  horde,  and  going  with  nose  in  pocket,  from  trepida- 
tion due  to  national  cowardice,  while  the  seething  mob  clamoured 
and  contended  for  overcoats  and  hats  around  very  exiguous  aper- 
ture, through  which  bewildered  custodians  handed  out  bundles  of 
sticks  and  umbrellas,  in  vain  hope  to  appease  such  impatience.  Nor 
did  I  succeed  to  the  recovery  of  my  nat  and  paraphernalia  until 
after  twenty-four  and  a  half  minutes  (Greenwich  time),  and  with 


For  which  I  was  minded  at  first  to  address  a  sharp  remonstrance 
and  claim  for  indemnity  to  some  pundit  in  authority  ;  but  perceiv- 
ing that  by  such  fishing  in  troubled  waters  I  was  the  gainer  of  a 
golden-headed  umbrella,  fresh  as  a  rose,  I  decided  to  accept  the 
olive  branch  and  bury  the  bone  of  contention. 


MR.  PUNCH'S  ADVICE  TO  LADIES  nr  LSAP  TEAR. — Look  before. 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LOB 


ART.— JANUARY  .11,  1896. 


WAR 


^-RL-N.) 


JANUARY  11,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


21 


HIGH    LOVE    BELOW   STAIRS. 

The  Venus  of  the  Servants'  Hall.  "Ms  GETTING  FOND  OP  RICHARD  I 

I  SHOULD  THINK  I    WAS.'      WHY,   BE  's    ONLY    GOT    TO  LOOK  AT    MB, 
AND  I  TBJSMBLB  ALL  OVEB  LIKE  AN  ASPStl  JBLLY!" 


THE  PEERS  IN  THE  BACKGROUND. 

(A  Dramatic  Fragment,  improbable  and  all  but  impossible.) 

SCENE — Studio  of  Illustrious  Painter.     The  easel  is  occupied  by  a 
sketch  of  a  classical  subject— an  idea  from  the  Greek. 

Illustrious  Painter  (consulting  watch).  Dear  me  I  The  time  for 
the  first  arrival.  Not  a  bad  notion  of  mine  to  paint  the  portraits  of 
my  colleagues  for  one  of  the  corridors.  It  may  take  some  lime,  but 
when  the  work  is  done— well — it  will,  at  any  rate,  not  shrink  from 
comparison  with  the  Diploma  Gallery.  (Knock.)  Come  in.  (Enter 
Fir  ft  Peer.)  Ah,  my  dear  Viscount,  glad  to  see  you. 

First  Peer  (returning  salutation  heartily).  Thank  you,  so  much. 
And  now,  as  I  have  a  great  deal  to  do  in  Fall  Mall,  I  am  afraid  I 
shall  not  be  able  to  give  you  much  time  for  a  sitting. 

lllus.  Paint.  I  don't  want  you  to  sit  at  all.  I  propose  roughing 
in  the  background  to-day.  What  would  you  like  for  yours  P  Battle, 
I  suppose  ? 

First  Peer.  You  are  most  kind.  But  if  I  might  suggest,  that  is 
scarcely  my  specialite.  Of  course,  I  have  seen  a  fair  amount  of 
service,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing  will  be  represented  by  my  medals. 
But  my  real  line  is  literature.  I  would  propose  that  I  should  be 
taken  in  my  library,  putting  the  finishing  touches  to  the  proofs  of  the 
Soldier's  Pocket  Book.  And  now,  my  dear  Lord,  I  must  be  off,  as  I 
have  to  see  to  all  our  little  affairs — existent  and  pending — in  Africa 
and  America.  But  first  of  all  I  have  to  overhaul  the  working  of  the 
Islington  Military  Tournament.  [Exit. 

lllus.  Paint,  (making  an  entry  in  his  Note-book).  As  a  bookman  I 
well,  he  is  the  author  of  his  own  fortunes.  (Enter  Second  Peer.) 
Son  jour,  my  dear  Chancellor.  I  do  not  think  we  ought  to  have 
much  trouble  about  your  background.  If  you  are  painted  in  front 
of  the  robing- room 

Second  Peer  (promptly}.  I  ihall  be  disgusted.  I  am  prouder  of 
my  swordsmanship  than  anything  else.  So  make  me  lunging  (not 
Acting)— ha !  ha !  excuse  the  plaisanterie—in  a  School  of  Arms, 
and  I  shall  be  more  than  satisfied. 

[Exit,  as  batch  of  Peers — numbers  up  to  20— enter. 


Third  Peer.  We  have  come,  my  ^dear  colleague,  to  say  that  we 
shall  be  most  pleased  to  help  in  the  work.  Peers'  Gallery !  Splendid 
notion ! 

lllus.  Paint.  What  are  to  be  the  backgrounds  P 

Fourth  Peer.  Well,  we  have  consulted  together,  ^and1  have 
thought  of  a  novelty.  As  we  attend  the  sittings,  on  the  average, 
about  once  in  five  years,  we  fancied  that  perhaps  if  you  placed 
us  in  the  House  itself  it  would  be  original  and  striking. 

lllus.  Paint,  (after  consideration).  Yes.  And  then  some  'of  you 
might  be  in  robes;  presumably,  you  know,  having  put  in  an 
appearance  on  some  State  occasion. 

fifth  Peer.  First  rate !    What  a  clever  fellow  you  are ! 

lllus.  Paint,  (showing  them  out).  Thank  you  very  much.  And 

now  I  think  I  may (Enter  Twenty-first  Peer)  Ah,  my  dear 

friend  I  Delighted  to  see  you,  as  your  creation  chimes  in  with  the 
date  of  my  own.  Not  many  years'  difference  between,  them.  Your 
background.  I  suppose,  should  be  the  manufactory 

Twenty-first  Peer  (interrupting).  Not  at  all!  That  kind  of  thing 
would  be  distinctly  misleading.  Of  course  I  don't  like  to  dictate,  but 
as  you  have  been  so  kind  as  to  ask  for  a  suggestion,  I  would  propose 
that  you  should  paint  me  looking  at  one  of  my  ancestors  assisting  to 
win  the  Battle  of  Hastings.  You  must  know  that,  without  bothering 
at  the  Heralds'  College,  I  have  every  reason  to  believe  that  one  Sir 
SMYTHE  DE  BBOWNE  DE  ROBYNSONNE  was 

Illust.  Paint.  Quite  so  I    I  will  turn  it  over  in  my  mind. 

Twenty-first  Peer.  And  (if  I  might  venture  upon  a  hint),  if  you 
could  make  Sir  SMTTHK  DE  BBOWNE  DE  ROBYNSONNE  a  bit  like  me,  I 
should  be  more  than  delighted.  You  know  a  family  likeness  may  be 
traced  for  generations,  and  dear  old  Sir  SMZTHE  DE  BBOWNE  DE 

ROBYNSONNE  Was 

Illust.  Paint.  Yes,  yes,  I  know  all  about  that. 

Twenty-first  Peer.  I  am  more  than  grateful.  Not  that  I  care  about 

it  myself,  but  my  wife You  know  ladies  are  different  from  men. 

Illust.  Paint,  (drily).  No  doubt.  (Courteously  shows  Twenty- first 
Peer  the  door.)  And  now  to  get  upon  safer  ground  than  the  Battle 
of  Hastings  and  those  who  took  part  in  it. 

[Scene  closes  in  upon  the  Illustrious  Painter  returning  to  his 
sketch  of  a  classical  subject— an  idea  from  the  Greek. 


ROSEBERY'S  RESERVE. 

(See  his  late  two  Letters.) 

To  you,  dear  friends,  I  am  much  beholden, 

( Why  can't  you  let  me  alone,  though  ?) 
Speech  is  silver  if  silence  is  golden. 

(The  latter  must  be  my  own,  though.) 
I  'm  bursting,  but  I  must  not  speak  I 

(Except  to  say  that  I  must  not.) 
The  SULTAN  's  wicked,  the  Powera  are  weak  I 

( Do  you  want  me  to  say  so  f    I  trust  not.) 
I  'm  haunted  by  the  Armenian  news, 

I  have  no  trust  in  SOLLY. 
(T<>  SAY  so  in  public,  I  must  refuse, 

I  am  quite  above  such  folly. ) 
That  insulting  SULTAN  makes  England  his  mock ; 

He  was  always  given  to  that  form  1 
(But  I  greatly  fear  I  should  greatly  shock 

If  I  told  you  so  —from  a  platform  ! ) 
I,  of  course,  can  write  what  I  cannot  say, 

(And  you  can  publish  the  letter,) 
But  / must  be  silent  I   ( You' II find  some  way 

To  voice  your  Mute,  which  were  better  /) 
I  rage,  I  burn,  and  the  wrath  I  feel 

My  letters  no  doubt  discover  I 
/mustn't  speak  to  the  Man  at  the  Wheel  I 

(But  I  hope  you'll — chuck  him  over.') 


MABVEILOUS  AKD  SUDDEN  CUBE  I— Mr.  CH-MB-BL-N  was  unwell. 
Be  took  a  dose  of  "  Rhodesia."  Salutary  effect  instantaneous  I  It 
is  not  improbable,  however,  that  this  treatment  will  have  to  be 
continued.  

OLD  FBIENDS.— It  is  said  that  in  event  of  war  between  England 
and  Venezuela,  100,000  Brazilians  will  join  the  latter  country.  Of 
course,  for  have  not  Brazil  nuts  always  been  associated  with  Caracas  ? 

ATTTHOK  I  ATTTHOB  !— Mr.  HAI.L  CAINE  has  brought  back  a  draft 
Act  on  Canadian  Copyright.  An  open  che que  on  Canadian  publishers 
would  have  been  more  acceptable  to  British  authors. 

A  LONG- VEXED  QUESTION  SETTLED.— In  view  of  Lord  SALISBURY'S 
appointment  as  Loid  Warden,  Walmer  will  of  course  become  de 
facto  Premier  Port.  The  other  towns  may  now  sink  their  differences. 


22 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  11,  1893, 


"IMRS.     STIRLING." 

(THE  LATE  LADY  GREGORY.) 

ON  M  more  star  of  Stagedom  gone ! 
Peerless,  bright  Peg  Woffington, 
Matchless  Martha,  perfect  Nurse, 
Speaker  witty,  quaint,  and  terse  I 
High  Comedy  and  humorous  grace 
Spoke  in  that  most  speaking  face. 
Who  forgets  those  sparkling 

graces 
Oft    difplayed    in    Masks    and 

Faces  ? 

Age-unwithered,  and  still  dear, 
Passing  with  1he  passing  year, 
She  has  left  the  Comic  Stage 
Duller  both  for  youth  and  age. 


PAGE  FROM  EUROPA'S  DIARY. 

Sunday. — Calm  of  the  most 
absolute  character.  Pulpit  sub- 
jects of  a  purely  perfunctory 
nature.  Expected  immediate  ap- 
pearance of  the  Millennium. 

Monday. — Continuation  of  the 
peace.  The  silence  of  harmony 
unbroken.  Monarchs  of  all  sorts 
live  in  charity  with  all  men,  and, 
in  their  dreams,  exist  only  in 
Arcadia. 

Tuesday.  —  Tranqn  ility  main- 
tained. Ambassadors  deep,  and 
Parliaments  adjourn  for  want 
of  work.  Nothing  stirring  but 
stagnation. 

Wednesday. — Political  barome- 
ter at  "Set  Fair."  A  storm 
anywhere  impossible.  The  lion 
has  laid  down  with  the  lamb. 
The  contents  bills  of  the  papers 
have  to  fall  back  upon  tricky 
headlines  to  sell  a  copy  of  the 
periodicals  they  represent.  Public 
consequently  sold  as  well. 

Thursday.  —  The  world  fast 
asleep.  Dicky  birds  the  only 
disturbers  of  the  ubiquitous  peace. 


A    HOME    TRUTH. 

Irate  Stepfather.  "I  CAN'T  THINK  WHERE  YOU  LEABN  SUCH  MAN- 
NERS. You  DON'T  SEE  MS  SLIDING  DOWN  THE  BALTSTEBS  AM> 
TURNING  SOMERSAULTS  IK  THE  HALL  1 " 


Friday.— Not  a  ripple  any- 
where. Blue  sky  on  view  in 
every  land  of  the  universe.  Tri- 
umph of  the  dove  and  the  olive 
branch. 

Saturday. — Sudden  outbreak  I 
Row  everywhere  1  National  strug- 
gles the  order  of  the  day!  Fire 
and  the  sword  take  precedence  in 
every  civilized  and  uncivilized 
community !  Expected  immediate 
approach  of  Pandemonium  1 


CRY  OF  THE  INCOME-TAX'D. 

["It  ought  to  be  a  fundamental 
principle  of  the  next  Budget  to  reduce 
the  income-tax  by  at  least  a  penny." 
— The  "  limes''  on  "  The  Surplus."] 

THAT  policy  were  "  penny-wise  " 
Indeed,     but     not     "  pound- 
foolish." 
Let's  hope  that  unto  our  loud 

ones 
HICKS-BEACH  will  not  prove 

mulish. 

My  cry  to  him  is  (like  the  Pic- 
man's) 

"  Please  give  me  a  penny  I " 
May   his    be   not    (like    Simple 

Simon's), 
11 1  have  not  got  any  I " 

PAX. — There  is  now  prospect  of 
peace  and  quiet  in  one  placj,  at 
all  events,  and  that  is  immedi- 
ately at  Osborne  and  at  the  Court 
generally,  for  Dean  FAHRAR  has 
"  replaced  the  Rev.  ROWE  JOLLEY 
as  Deputy  Clerk  of  the  Closet  in 
Waiting."  Sj  in  that  locality 
there  is  temporarily  no  more  to 
bd  heard  of  a  Jolley  Rowe. 

QUOTATION  ADAPIED  BY  MR. 
CH-MB-BL-N. — "  ' Bores1  et ' Pre- 
toria '  nihil !  " 


ROUNDABOUT    READINGS. 

THE  LAST  SHOOT  OF  THE  SEASON. 

SUBMITTING  to  the  fate  of  all  things  bright  and  fair,  the  shooting 
reason  of  '95  '96  19  drawing  to  an  end,  lamented  by  all  who  love  good 
sport  and  big  bags.  The  combination  is  a  common  one  in  these  days, 
when  even  keepers  are  beginning  to  understand  that  those  who  (hoot 
care  less  for  a  slaughter  of  easy  birds  than  for  a  chance  of  exercising 
their  skill  in  pulling  down  tall  birds  from  the  region  of  clouds.  It 
may  safely  be  asserted  that  all  the  big  bags  of  pheasants  are  made  by 
Runs  placed  well  back  from  the  coverts  where  the  birds  are  likely  to 
Da  high  up  in  the  air  by  the  time  they  aie  shot  at.  The  bhooting  is 
made  difficult,  greater  skill  is  necessary  on  the  part  of  the  shooter, 
and  the  bird  shot  at  has  a  greater  chance  naturally  of  saving  its  lite. 

THFPE  wonll  seem  to  be  self-evident  propositions;  but  I  gather 
from  the  irjgenious  ard  accomplished  "RAPIER'S"  notes  in  the 
January  nun, her  of  the  Badminton  Magazine,  that  there  are  still 
"papers  of  a  certain  class"  in  which  one  may  read  "sarcastic 
comments  on  the  making  of  big  bags  of  pheasants.  The  writers 
calculate  how  many  birds  are  killed  per  minute,  and  after  a  little 
indulgence  in  statistics,  wind  up  with  a  sneer  at  the  'sport'— in 
inverted  commas."  I  have  in  my  time  read  such  comments,  but  not 
very  lately.  However,  I  must  take  "RAPIEB.'S"  word  for  it  that 
there  still  exist  journalists  sufficiently  abandoned  to  make  them, 
though  I  do  not  suppose  even  the  most  sarcastic  of  them  would  refuse 
to  eat  a  pheasant  which  had  been  beaten  over  a  distant  line  of  guns, 
or  would  prefer  to  it  a  bird  shot  either  by  a  "  bone-scatterer  "  at  the 
very  edge  of  the  covert,  or  by  an  old-fashioned  "  walker-up  "  within 
a  few  feet  of  the  muzzle  of  his  gun. 

A  KEEPER'S  one  object  is  to  make  the  biggest  bag  he  can.  If  the 
arrangement  of  the  shoot  is  left  to  him — quod  di  avertant—he  will 
place  his  guns  as  near  as  possible  to  the  edge  of  the  covert,  so  that 
they  may  smash  the  birds  while  they  are  still  flying  slow  and  low. 
This  to  a  true  sportsman,  even  if  he  is  not  a  shot  of  the  class  of  Lord 


DE  OBEY  or  l>rd  WALSIKGHAM.  is  detestable.  He  would  rather 
shoot  at,  even  if  he  misses,  one  high  bird  flying  strong,  than  blow 
ten  easy  ones  to  pieces.  Therefore  in  a  properly  managed  shoot  the 
guns  are  placed  well  away,  although  often  the  keeper  looks  gloomy, 
and  confides  to  his  intimates  that  he  doem't  see  the  use  of  having 
taken  "  a  peck  o'  trouble  if  they  birds  aint  to  be  shot  where,  as  you 
may  say,  a  gun  can  shoot  'em." 

BUT  putting  all  that  aside,  what  a  glorious  season  this  has  been  in 
nearly  every  part  of  the  country.  From  all  sides  you  hear  the  same 
story  of  fine,  strong,  hearty  birds,  and  plenty  of  them.  I^do  not 
claim  for  pheasant-shooting  the  virtues  of  an  athletic  exercise,  but 
it  does  require  in  the  highest  degree  coolness,  resource,  precision  and 
self-control—qualities  that  are  not  without  their  value  in  other  and 
more  important  pursuits.  Nor  is  his  endurance  to  be  despised  who 
stands  and  waits  in  a  cool  and  nipping  wind,  or  in  storm  of  rain  such 
as  the  variations  of  our  climate  often  send  down  upon  our  heads. 
Then  it  is,  if  you  wear  a  mere  cloth  cap,  that  you  envy  the  shooter 
whose  hat  has  a  brim,  to  guard  his  neck ;  for  first  with  a  casual 
trickle,  and  then  with  a  steady,  relentless  flow,  the  frosty  water  makes 
its  way  from  the  back  of  your  head,  down  between  your  neck  and 
your  collar,  and  down,  ever  down  along  the  channel  of  your  spine. 
Ugh  I  the  mere  remembrance  is  enough  to  give  you  the  influenza. 

AND  now  the  time  of  the  last  shoot  has  come  or  is  coming.  Onoe 
more,  and  for  the  latt  time,  the  array  of  beaters  is  summoned. 
There  they  all  are,  those  stolid,  autochthonous  British  labourers, 
differing  not  so  much  in  expression  as  in  the  signs  of  age;  imper- 
turbable, slow,  and  as  impervious  to  thorn- bushes  as  they  are  to  the 
voice  of  the  Keeper  when  he  bids  them  keep  the  line,  or  come  up 
faster  on  the  one  side  or  the  other.  But  watch  these  same  beaters 
when  a  rabbit  appears  in  their  midst,  especially  after  lunch  has 
made  their  mood  merry,  and  you  will  see  a  wonderful  change.  Not 
otherwise  does  a  maiden,  shy  with  the  reserve  of  her  first  season, 
enter  a  ball-room.  Heedlessly  her  eyes  travel  round  the  room,  till, 
on  a  sudden,  lo  they  light  upon  young  ALGERNON,  the  pride  of  Her 


JANUARY  11,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


23 


Friend.  "  HULLO,  OLD  CHAP  I    WHAT  ON  EAKTH " 

Brute  of  a  Husband  (who  has  been  to  see  ".Trilby").  '"Snl"    (Sotto  voce.)    "IT'S  ALL  EIGHT.     I'M  JUST  TRYING  TO  'SUGGTST'  TO 

£  THE  MISSIS — HYPNOTICALLY — THAT  IT  's  TIME  FOR  HER  TO   GO  TO  BED,   AND  FOR  ME  TO  GO    TO    THE  FANCY    DRESS   BALL  1       'SH  f 

SHE  's  JUST  'OFF'  I"  [Chuckles. 


Majesty's  Horse  Guards  Bine;  young  AIGEENON,  than  whom  none 
ties  with  more  skill  the  hatter  fly  tie,  none  with  more  splendour 
wears  the  pointed  pump,  none  drops  his  final  g  with  a  more  careless 
certainty.  She,  looking  upon  him  and  seeing:  him  advancing1,  feels 
the  happy  blush  mantle  her  virgin  cheeks,  her  eyes  sparkle,  her 
being  becomes  animated,  and  with  ready  favour  she  grants  him  the 
desired  pleasure  of  a  dance.  So  a  beater  having  perceived  a  soft- 
furred  rabbit  in  the  underwood,  his  eyes  flash  fire,  impetuously  he 
moves  his  heavy  legs  now  hither  now  thither,  loud  exclamations 
burst  from  his  lips,  his  stick  flies  hurtling  through  the  air,  and 
the  whole  line  rends  the  skies  with  joyous  shouting.  But  afar  off, 
and  unharmed,  the  timorous  rabbit  seeks  refuge,  threading  with 
swift  feet  the  tracts  that  lie  behind  the  beaters. 


ALL  hens,  of  course,  are  to  be  spared  during  the  last  shoot.  And 
it  is  aggravating:  to  notice  that  the  hen,  ignorant  of  the  edict  that 
saves  her  life,  rises  with  just  as  great  a  fluster  as  if  she  was  to  be 
shot  at.  A"d  towards  evening  as  the  shadows  fall,  and  distinction 
becomes  difficult,  the  poor  hen  does  often  get  shot  and  pays  the 
penalty  of  her  rashness.  But  hark!  what  shout  is  that?  "Wood- 
cock forward,  woodcock  to  the  right,  woodcock  to  the  left.  Mark, 
mark."  Every  voice  in  the  covert  and  out  of  it  seems  to  take  up  the 
cry.  Are  there  a  hundred  woodcocks  in  the  air.  An  electric  shock 
seems  to  go  through  every  shooter.  Bang,  bang,  there  he  is  ;  bang, 
bang,  mark  to  the  left ;  bang,  bang,  forwards,  backwards,  sideways, 
everywhere  guns  are  going  off  .while  the  woodcock  zig-zags  through  the 
trees  and  out  into  the  open  till  he  falls  a  victim  to  the  youngest  of  the 
party,  ^jhose  hat  henceforth  wears  the  trophy  of  the  bird's  feathers. 

AND  so  good-bye  to  the  great  season  and  to  all  its  memories  of 
sport  and  good  fellowship  and  happy  days.  The  1st  of  February 
will  eee  its  departure,  but  I  bid  it  f  die  well  to-day. 

COMPANION  TO  "THE  LATE  MB.  CASTELLO."— The  Early  M. 
CHATEAU. 


TERPSICHORE  TO  DATE. 

(The  "  Sitting  Waltz  "  is  stated  to  be  the  latest  American  novelty.) 

THE  Volte  d  Siege  is  an  interesting  development,  which  has  been 
recently  introduced  for  the  benefit  of  engaged  couples,  flirts, 
hussars,  gentlemen  with  wooden  legs,  sufferers  from  "  housemaid's 
knee,"  and  other  persons  who  are  averse  to  dancing  exercise. 

No  floor  to  speak  of  is  required,  as  it  is  only  used  in  extreme  cases 
for  sitting  on,  when  the  stairs,  window-sills,  fauteuils  d  deux,  and 
banisters  are  all  occupied.  Even  then  it  is  considered  somewhat 
vulgar,  and  suggestive  of  hunt-the-slipper.  It  is  better,  if  every 
available  seat  is  taken,  to  stand  the  waltz  out. 

Very  little  preliminary  training  is  necessary,  though  possibly  a 
visit  to  Hampstead  Heath  on  a  fine  Bank  Holiday  might  supply  a 
few  useful  hints  on  deportment. 

The  movements  are  quite  simple.  The  partners  engage  them- 
selves in  the  ordinary  way.  The  gentleman  then  conducts  the  lady 
to  a  suitable  seat.  This,  of  course,  should  accommodate  two,  and 
two  only,  and  need  not  be  aggressively  public.  In  fact,  if  the  ball- 
room is  all  conservatory,  so  much  the  better.  He  next  passes  his 
right  arm  round  his  partner's  waist,  and  clasps  her  right  hand  with 
his  left.  Her  left  hand  rests  fondly  on  his  shoulder,  and  they  are 
now  ready  to  keep  time  with  the  music. 

At  the  first  beat  the  lady  puts  out  her  left  foot  with  a  dainty  and 
coquettish  but  almost  imperceptible  glissade,  and  the  gentleman  ever 
so  plightly  touches  it  with  his  own. 

Second  beat.  The  lady  turns  her  head  towards  her  partner,  the 
gentleman  simultaneously  gazes  yearningly  into  her  left  eye. 

Third  beat.  Balancez,  and  set  to  corners.  The  couple  thus 
chassent  in  the  same  direction  without  leaving  their  seat,  swaying 
gently  backwards  and  forwards  in  three-quarter  time. 

The  decorations  should  consist  largely  of  mistletoe  and  kissing 
comfits  (whatever  they  may  be). 

And,  lastly,  the  new  waltz  is  as  old  as  the  hills,  and  was  danced 
before  ball-rr  oms  or  Terpsichore  were  heard  of. 


24 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JAMJART  11,  1896. 


HERE    WE    ARE    AGAIN!" 


the 


AN  elegant  show !  a  splendid  spectacle !  a  graceful  grouping ! 
Fun,  Fancy,  and  Frolic  1  Such  is  the  summary  of  the  Annual 
Pantomime  provided  for  us  all,  young  and  old,  by  Master  DBTJ- 
BIOLANTJS,  semper  virens  nunquam  viridis,  Grand  Master  of 
Christmas  Revels  and  Popular  Pantomime.  "With  him  attendant 
sprites  CECIL  RALEIGH  and  ARTHUR  STURGESS,  with  stage-manager 
COLLINS,  and  J.  M. 
GLOVEB,  Master  of 

MUSIC     to 

IMI'ERATOR.  Just  take 
the  programme  and  read 
the  names  of  all  the 
Pucks  and  Pixies  obey- 
ing the  magician's  word. 
Six  artistic  elves  do  the 
scenery,  who,  together 
with  the  two  principal 
costumiers,  might  be  sung 
in  two  hexameter  lines  by 
the  new  Poet  Laureate, 
if  inclined  that  way.* 

But  there  are  nine  more 
names  to  this  depart- 
ment, and  three  are 
responsible  for  the 
"  shoes,"  including  the 
glass  slippers  of  Cin- 
derella, of  which  the 
maker  is  not  specially 
named.  There  is  an 
Assistant  Stage  Manager, 
and,  by  CLABKBON! 
there  are  wigs  I  I  But 
suffice  it  some  fifty  names 
appear  as  the  officers  of 
the  Pantomime  Army, 
marching  and  dancing 
(with  JOHNNIE  D' ATJB  AN) 
to  victory.  _  Charming 
ballets;  quite  Original;  which  you  mightn't  expect  from  a  maitre 
de  ballet  whose  name  is  "  COPPI."  Beginners  in  the  art  of  ballet- 
teaching  will  do  well  to  copy  COPPI.  Two  of  the  comic  songs  are 
capital;  both  sung  by  HEBBERT  CAMPBELL;  the  first,  "  You  know 
love  it  wouldn't  be  true"  (or  a  catch  line  like  it),  being  exceptionally 
good. 

The  GRIFFITHS  Brothers  in  their  wrestling  match  are  immense. 
So  earnest !  so  serious !  so  irresistibly  comic !    Of  course,  DAN  LEND, 

*  ScZnZr)/  HarkVr  Bruce  Smith  CanSy  Kaiitsly  Sch'reitz&r  tin' 
Dress&s  by  Mons.  Alias  and  cSsturriigr  Mist&r 


inimitable  as  an  elderly  matronly  shrew,  IB  facile  princeps  as  aider- 
end's  step-mother,  and  supremely  ridiculous.  HEBBBBT  CAMPBELL 
seconds  him  excellently :  upon  these  two,  with  the  Brothers  GRIFFITHS 
and  Mr.  LIONEL  RIGNOLD  (ordinarily  a  hook-nosed  Hebrew  villian  in 
a  melodrama,  but  now  a  comic  Irish  tutor  with  tiptilted  nose,  which 
just  makes  the  difference),  rests  the  fun  of  the  pantomime;  and 

"  rests"  is  not  the  word, 
for  the  fun  is  always  kept 
moving. 

Really  splendid  is  Miss 
ALEXANDBA  DAGMAB, 
who  as  Dandini,  the 
Prince's  valet,  tops  her 
royal  master,  Prince  ADA. 
BLANCHE,  considerably, 
and  is  much  more  of  a 
Royal  Highness,  by  her 
Royal  T aline ss,  than  is 
the  little  prince.  Surely 
ALEXANDBA  ought  to 
have  been  where  ADA  is. 
and  the  prince  should 
have  been  the  valet,  as 
"  Ada  and  abettor.' 
However,  let  us  take  the 
caste  as  it  is,  and  be 
thankful.  Petite  et  petil- 
lante  <f  esprit  is  the 
representative  of  the 
French  Ambassador, 
Miss  MARGUERITE  COR- 
NILLE.  ISA  BOWMAN  is 
an  interesting  Cinder- 
ella, [of  whom  the 
authors  have  not  "made 
half  enough."  Poor 
Cinderella  is  just  a  bit 
out  of  it;  as,  by  the  way, 
she  was  in  her  kitchen. 
The  show  begins  at&7.30,  and  is  over  about  11.30.  The  music  is 
graceful  throughout,  and  Conductor  GLOVEB  takes  wonderful  physi- 
cil  exercise  in  directing  the  orchestra ;  arms,  hands,  head,  and  all 
that  is  visible  of  him  give  practical  illustration  of  the  theory  of 
perpetual  motion.  As  much  as  he  makes  in  money  during  his 
engagement,  he  must  lose  in  weight.  It  is  all  good,  and  there  are 
very  few  topical  allusions,  and  not  many  political  ones,  thank  good- 
ness !  as  a  Pantomime  ought  not  to  have  anv  thing  of  "  party"  about 
it,  always  excepting  "  Christmas  party,"  of  which  seasonable  mate- 
rial there  is  in  this  a  plentiful  supply.  So  success  to  the  Seventeenth 
Annual !  F*>reat  Druriolanus  Mimut  Imperator  ! 


EVERY  ONE'S  GOOD  HE1LTH! 

As  the  festive  season  draws  to  a  close,  when  the  plum  of  the 
pudding  is  heard  of  no  more,  when  the  mines-pie  lingers  only  in 
the  memory,  when  the  bear's  head  ceases  to  adorn  the  buffet  in 
the  castle  hall,  when  the  chemist  has  done  his  best  and  the  doctor 
has  departed,  when  elderly  maidens  begin  to  regret  lost  oppor- 
tunities afforded  by  now  vanished  mistletoe  boughs,  and  when,  by 
the  disappearance  of  the  sprigs  of  holly,  the  schoolboy  is  reminded 
of  the  rapid  approach  of  the  blossoms  of  the  birch  tree,  then  is  the 
hour  when  the  Lordly  Baron  solemnly  bethinketh  him  that  some 
change  of  air  will  be  beneficial  to  his  state  of  health.  Opportunely 
he  receiveth  a  copy  of  the  Fortnightly  Review  for  January,  wherein 
the  title  of  an  essay,  "  The  Climate  of  South  Africa  and  its  Curative 
Influence,"  attracteth  his  kindly  regard.  Of  South  Africa  and  its 
gold  wotteth  he  somewhat :  it  needs  no  BABNATO  to  tell  him  this.  Of 
the  climate  he  hath  heard,  but  as  to  its  "curative  influence"  he 
hath  received  no  information  whatever.  At  a  glance,  and  with  half 
an  eye,  he  grasps  the  fact  that  "consumption"  is  to  be  grappled 
with  in  South  Africa  and  its  baneful  effects  neutralised.  The 
learned  medico,  yclept  Dr.  ROBSONITJS  ROOSE,  whose  signature  is  to 
this  brief  but  most  interesting  article,  shows  "  how,"  "  when,"  and 
"where"  to  go  iu  search  of  recuperating  the  vital  forces  at  Frazer- 
burg,  Victoria  (West),  Aliwal  (North),  and  Kimberley,  ranging  from 
4000  to  4500  feet  up  in  air,  places,  alas,  as  far  above  the  ordinary 
means  of  the  ordinary  patient  as  they  are  above  the  level  of  the  sea. 
The  benevolent  doctor  should  tell  us  where  the  £4500  is  to  be  ob- 
tained by  the  patient  who  would  with  pleasure  ascend  these  4500 
feet  I !  But  even  if  the  patient  obtains  the  ways  and  the  means,  how 
about,  the  Rhodes,  the  CECIL  RHODES  ?  Won't  the  climate,  just  now, 
be  a  little  too  hot  for  any  Eaglishman  P  So,  we  must  wait  till,  first, 
we  get  the  £4500 -and  then  ? 


STOPPED. 

THE  other  day,  when  I  was  down  in  the  country,  I  suffered  from 
severe  toothache.  I  decided  to  came  up  to  town  the  next  morning, 
see  a  friend  of  mine,  a  famous  dentist,  and  get  back  by  the  3  30 
express  after  lunch  at  my  club.  He  is  a  capital  fellow,  as  kind  as  he 
is  clever,  and  he  touches  one's  aching  jaw  with  a  hand  as  gentle  as  a 
woman's.  So,  rather  than  consult  a  stranger  in  the  country,  I 
resolved  on  a  three  hours'  journey  to  town,  to  see  my  friend. 

Having  some  other  business  to  do,  I  started  early,  breakfasting 
very  lightly  and  hastily  at  7.30,  and  catching  the  8.23  train  after  a 
six-mile  drive  in  the  keen,  bracing  air.  My  business  delayed  me  a 
little ;  my  friend  delayed  me  more.  He  is  so  much  occupied. 
When  at  last  he  was  able  to  see  me  and  had  stopped  my  tooth,  it  was 
past  two,  and  I  was  very  hungry.  "  Come  with  me,"  I  said,  when 
he  had  taken  out  of  my  mouth  his  hands,  his  instruments,  and  other 
impediments  to  conversation,  "and  have  lunch  at  the  club.  I'm 
ravenous." 

"All  right,"  he  said.  "I've  half  an  hour;  I'll  come.  Open 
your  mouth  once  more.  Wider,  pleas?.  Yep,  I'm  rather  hungry, 
too.  Had  my  breakfast  very  early,  and  very  little  of  it.  But  you 
mustn't  eat  anything,  you  know."  I  almost  bit  his  hand  off  in  my 
effort  to  shout  "What?"  with  mv  mouth  filled  with  a  napkin, 
dentist's  mirror,  &c.  "No,"  he  said,  "you  mustn't  bite  anything 
for  two  hours  at  least,  or  you  '11  spoil  aU  the  stopping.  You  may 
have  a  little  soup."  "When  we  got  to  the  club  I  had  a  little  soup. 
And  when  he  my  friend  had  finished,  and  I  had  indignantly  waved 
away  the  tooth-picks  handed  to  me  by  the  waiter,  there  was  only  just 
time  to  catch  the  3.30  express,  which  doesn't  stop  anywhere,  and 
doesn't  carry  any  provisions. 

To  have  no  teeth  must  be  very  uncomfortable,  but  to  have  plenty, 
and  to  starve,  so  to  speak,  in  the  midst  of  them,  is  infinitely  worse. 


JANUARY  18,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


25 


ALICE    IN    WONDERLAND. 

"ARK  YOU  THE  CARPENTER?"  "YES,  MISSY." 

"WHERE'S  THE  WALRUS,  THEN?", 


JOTTINGS    AND   TITTLINGS. 

(By  BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO  JABBEBJBE,  B.A.) 

No.  III. 
Mr.  Jabberjee  gives  his  views  concerning  the  Laureatship. 

TT  is  "  selon  les  regies  "  and  rerum  naturd  that  the  QUEEN'S  Most 
Excellent  Majesty,  being  constitutionally  partial  to  poetry,  should 
desire  to  have  constant  private  supply  from  respectable  tip-top 
genius,  to  be  kept  snug  on  Royal  premises  and  ready  at  momentary 
notice  to  oblige  with  song  or  dirge,  according  as  High  Jinks  or 
Dolorousness  are  the  Court  orders  of  the  day. 

But  how  far  more  satisfactory  if  Right  Hon'ble  Marquis  SALIS- 
BURY, instead  of  arbitrarily  decorating  some  already  notorious  bard 
with  this  "cordon  bleu"  and  thus  gilding  a  lily,  should  throw  the 
office  open  to  competition  by  public  exam,  and,  after  carefully 
weighing  such  considerations  as  the  applicant's  res  angusta  domi, 
the  fluency  of  his  imagination,  his  nationality,  and  so  on — should 
award  the  itching  palm  of  Fame  to  the  poet  who  succeeded  best  in 
tickling  his  fancy  I 

Had  some  such  method  been  adopted,  the  whole  Indian  Empire 
might  to-day  have  been  pleased  as  Punch  by  the  selection  of  a 
Hindoo  gentleman  to  do  the  job—  for  I  should  infallibly  have  entered 
myself  for  the  running.  Unfortunately  such  unparalleled  opportunity 
of  throwing  soup  to  Cerberus,  and  exhibiting  oolour-blindnees,  has 
been  given  the  slip,  though  the  door  is  perhaps  still  open  (even  at 

Kst  eleven  o'clock^  P.M.)  for  retracing  the  false  step  and  web  of 
>nelope. 

For  I  would  respectfully  submit  to  Her  Imperial  Majesty  that,  in 
her  duplicate  capacity  of  Queen  of  England  and  Empress  of  India, 
ehe  has  urgent  necessity  for  a  Court  Poet  for  each  department,  who 
would  be  Arcades  ambo  and  two  of  a  trade,  and  share  the  duties  with 
their  proportionate  pickings. 

Or,  if  she  would  be  unwilling  to  pay  the  piper  to  such  a  tune,  I 
alone  would  work  the  oracle  in  both  Indian  and  Anglo-Saxon 
departments,  and  waive  the  annual  tub  of  sherry  for  equivalent  in 
cash  down. 

And,  if  I  may  make  the  suggestion,  I  womld  strongly  advise  that 


this  question  of  my  joint  (or  several)  appointment  should  be  severely 
taken  up  by  London  Press  as  matter  of  simple  justice  to  India.  This 
is  without  pr»judice  to  the  already  appointed  Laureate  as  a  swan 
and  singing  bird  of  the  first  water.  All  I  desire  is  that  the  Public 
should  know  of  another— and,  perchance,  even  rarer— avis,  who  is 
nigroque  simillima  cygno,  and  could  be  obtained  dog  cheap  for  a 
mere  song  or  a  drug  in  the  market-place,  if  only  there  is  made  a 
National  Appeal  to  the  Sovereign  that  he  should  be  promoted  to  such 
a  sinecure  and  cere  perennius. 

As  a  specimen  of  the  authenticity  of  my  divine  flatulence,  please 
find  inclosed  herewith  copy  of  complimentary  verses,  written  by 
myself  on  hearing  of  Poet  AUSTIN'S  selection.  Indulgence  is  kindly 
requested  for  very  hasty  composition,  and  circumstance  of  being 
— jatiy  harrowed  and  impeded  at  time  of  writing  by  an  excruciating 

.l-sized  boil  on  Iback  of  neck,  infuriated  by  collar  of  shirt,  poul- 
ticingp,  and  so  forth. 


CONGBATULATOBY  ODE. 

To  Hon'ble  Poet-Laureate  Alfred  Austin,  Esq. 

Hail  I  you  full-blown  tulip  I 
Oh  I  when  the  wheezing  zephyr  brought  glad  news 
Of  your  judicious  appointment,  no  hearts  who  did  peruse, 
Such  a  long-desiderated  slice  of  good  luck  were  sorry  at, 
To  a  most  prolific  and  polacious  Poet-Laureate  I 
For  no  poeta  nascitur  who  is  fitter 
To  greet  Royal  progeny  with  melodious  twitter. 
Seated  on  the  resplendent  cloud  of  official  Elysium, 
Far  away,  far  away  from  fuliginous  busy  hum, 
You  are  now  perched  with  phenomenal  velocity 
On  vertiginous  pinnacle  of  poetic  pomposity ! 
Yet  deign  to  cock  thy  indulgent  eye  at  the  petition 
Of  one  consumed  by  corresponding  ambition, 
And  lead  the  helping  hand  to  lift,  pulley-hauley, 
To  Parnassian  Peak  this  poor  perspiring  Bengali  I 
"Whose  arspoetica  (as  per  sample  lyric) 
Is  fully  competent  to  turn  out  panegyric. 
What  if  some  time  to  come,  mrhaps  not  distant, 
You  were  in  urgent  need  of  Deputy- Assistant ! 
For  two  Princesses  might  be  COE  fined  simultaneously — 
Then,  how  to  homage  the  pair  extemporaneously  ? 
Or  with  Nuptial  Ode,  lack-a-daisy  !    What  a  fix 
If  with  Influenza  raging  like  cat  on  hot  bricks ! 
In  such  a  wrong  box  you  will  please  remember  yours  truly, 
Who  can  do  the  needful  satisfactorily  and  duly, 
Bv  an  epithalamium  (or  what  not)  to  inflame  your  credit  j 
With  every  coronated  head  that  will  have  read  it  I 
And  the  quid  pro  quot  magnificent  and  grand,  Sir, 
Would  be  at  the  rate  of  four  annas  for  every  stanza. 
Now,  thou  who  fcale  sidereal  paths  afar  dost, 
Deign  from  thy  brilliant  boots  to  cast  the  superfluous  star-dust 
Upon 

The  head  of  him 

Whose  fate  depends 

On  Thee  I 

(Signed)  BABOO  HUBBY  BUNGSHO  JABBEBJEE. 

The  above  was  forwarded  (post-paid)  to  Hon'ble  AUSTIN'S  official 
address  at  Poet's  Corner,  Westminster  Abbey  (opposite  the  Royal 
Aquarium),  but — hoity-toity  and  mirabile  dictu  ! — no  answer  has  yet 
been  vouchsafed  to  yours  truly  save  the  cold  shoulder  of  contemptuous 
inattention  I 

What  a  pity !  Well-a-day,  that  we  should  find  such  passions  of 
envy  and  jealousy  in  bosom  of  a  distinguished  poet,  whoee  lucubrated 
productions  may  (for  all  that  is  known  to  the  present  writer)  be  no 
great  shakes  after  all,  and  mere  focd  for  powder I 

The  British  public  is  an  ardent  lover  of  the  scintillating  jewellery 
of  fair  play,  and  so  I  confidently  submit  my  claims  and  poetical 
compositions  to  be  arbitrated  by  the  unanimous  voice  of  all  who 
understand  suoh  articles. 

Let  us  remember  that  it  is  never  too  late  to  pull  down  the  fallen  idol 
out  of  the  gilded  shrine  in  which  it  has  established  itself  with  the 
egotistical  isolation  of  a  dog  with  the  mange  I 

"Jusi  LIKE  HYMN!" — SIB,— Mr.  STEAD  is  sending  circulars 
about  asking  everyone  to  give  him  a  list  of  "  Hymns  that  have 
helped  him."  Personally  I  am  not  going  to  be  one  of  the  "  Hims 
who  will  help  him  (Mr.  STEAD),"  and  shall  not,  if  asked,  mention  the 
names  of  the  "  Hers  that  have  helped  me,"  though  I  have  a  grateful 
remembrance  of  a  nurse  and  nursery  governess,  both  of  whom  helped 
me  uncommonly  well  at  dinner,  specially  about  Christmas  time. 
They  were,  however,  women  equally  capable  of  helping  themselves. 
Wishing  STEAD  steadier  than  ever  as  he  grows  older, 

I  am,  yours  truly,  Avis  SENIOB. 


CONCISE  PBECIS  OF  THE  SITUATION  IN  THE  TBANSVAAL. 
result  of  robbing  Pietermaritzburg  to  pay  "  OOM  PAUL." 


The 


VOI.  CX. 


26 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  18,  1896. 


k 


A    FREE    HAND. 

The  Unspeakable  Turk"  (to  himself).    '  HA  I  HA.  I    THERE  's  NO  ONE  ABOUT  I    I  CAN  GET  TO  BUSINESS  AGAIN  I  " 


JANUARY  18,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI, 


27 


THE    FORCE    OF    HABIT. 


Spai-ner  (a  great  Cyclist,  whose  horse  has  been  startled  by  Man  on  covert  hack}.  "  Hi  1  CONFOUND  YOU  1    WHY  THE  DKUCB  DON'T 

YOU  SOUND   YOUR   BKLL  1  I" 


BRITANNIA'S   SOLILOQUY. 

(On  the  New  Bronze  Coinage.) 

OBCE  upon  my  shield  I  sat, 
Gripptd  my  "fork"  in  graceful 

manner ; 

Now  beside  that  shield  I  squat, 
Trident  held  like  a  stage-banner. 
Then  a  lighthouse  and  a  ship, 
Flanked   me    either   side  "On* 

Penny" ; 

Now  alone  my  spear  I  grip, 
And  "supporters"  have  not  any ! 
Really,  'tis  exceeding  funny,— 
But  'tis  provt  d  by  efforts  recent,— 
Britons,  good  at  making  money, 
Cannot  make  a  coin  that's  decent. 
Rule  Britannia  ?   Rot  sophistic ! 
Had  I  really  sway  I  'd  rule 
No  more  duffers  inartistic 
Withmy  coins  should  play  the  fool 


KOKOFUKU! 

[An  Ashanti  Chief  named  KOKO- 
Ftrxu  is  said  to  have  left  Coomassi  • 
with  the  submission  of  KingPuBMBi.] 
HE  has  started  on  his  way, 

KOKOFUKU  ! 
And  he 's  bearing  peace,  they  say, 

KOKOFUKU  ! 

If  his  tidings  really  bririg 
The  sulmission  of  his  king, 
Oh,  how  joyously  we'll  sing 
Of  the  fame 
And  the  name 

Of  KOKOFUKU  I 


SUGGESTED  FOR  NEW  ENGLISH  COINAGE 
Bi   CERTAIN  DESIGNING  PERSONS. 


PLEA.  FOB  THE  LARK. 

•'  HA.BK.  hark  I  the  lark  at  Hea- 
ven's gate  sings," 
But  will  it  sing  there  long  ? 
To   market   Mail    ia    thousands 

brings, 

These  tiny  sons  of  song. 
Now  gourmets  eat   the    morsels 

sweet ; 

They  're  strung  upon  a  string, 
With  plumpy  crops,  at  poulterers' 

shops, 

No  more  to  soar  and  sing. 
A  s  harm  t'ul  sin  I    Will  none  begin 

To  ope  the  Public  eyes? 
Let  everything  that  pretty  is 
Against  this  outrage  rise ! 

Arise  I    Arise  I 
My  Public  sweet,  arise  I 

The  kestrel  and  the  sparrow-hawk, 

The  pole-cat  and  the  shrike, 
Pursue  the  bird.    But  how  absurd, 

That  Man  should  do  the  like  I 
0,  SHAKPPEAKE'S shade;  0,  SHEL- 
LEY'S sprite, 

Arise  and  scourge  base  oits, 
Who  'd  rob  our  sky  of  minstrelsy, 

To  fill  their  pies  and  spits  I 
Kind  Punch  forswears  the  pretty 
dears, 

On  toast  and  eke  in  pie?, 
Let  everything  that  gentle  is 

Against  this  horror  rise. 
Arise  I    Arise ! 

My  Public  sweet,  arise  I 


28 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  18,  1896. 


QUITE  A  (NEW   AND  ORIGINAL  SUGGESTION  AS  SUBJECT  FOE  GOLD 
MEDAL  AT  E.  A.  SCHOOLS,  1896:-"  THE  FINDING  OF  MOSES." 


AT  IT  AGAIN? 

Swiss  authorities  complain  that  Prince 
STJI  GUGEA  DABGUiii,  of  Abyssinia,  has  been 
kidnapped  by  Italians  from  Neuf  chatel,  and 
conveyed  on  board  of  a  vessel  bound  for  Mas- 
sowah.  We  understand,  under  all  reserve, 
that  the  following  telegrams  have  passed  : — 

(1)  To  President  Surifs  Republic,  Berne. 
—Send  ships  to  pursue  Italians.    Outrage 
indefensible.   Have  ordered  Rhine  gunboats 
to  Basle  in  your  support.          WILHELM. 

(2)  To  German  Emperor,  Berlin.—  Im- 
possible.   All  our  vessels  laid  up  for  winter. 
Crews  engaged  at  London  restaurants. 

ZEMP,  President  S.  R. 

(3)  To  President.— Recall  crews    Can  ar- 
range to  supply  places  with  my  own  subj  ects. 
Make   demonstration   on    Lago   Maggiore 
while  I  occupy  Teutonic-speaking  Lucerne 
and  Zurich  as   security  for  costs.     Mas- 
sowah  under  my  protection.  Can  sell — cheap 
— stock  of  obsolete  cannon.       WILHELM. 

(4)  To   Emperor. — Your    action   would 
spoil  summer  season.    Cannot  spare  Lucerne 
or  Zurich.    "Why  not  occupy  Monte  Rosa 
outside  our  sphere  of  benevolent  neutrality. 
Propose  introducing  a  Bill  abolishing  Italian 
organs  and  ices.       ZEHF,  President  8.  R. 

(5)  To  President — Amdisgusted.  Abolish 
yourself.  WILHELM. 

(6)  To  Emperor.— Ditto. 

ZEMP,  President  S.  R. 


ROUNDABOUT   READINGS. 

ON  PAYING  BILLS. 

I  HAVE  noticed  with  deep  and  genuine  regret  that  in  the  month  of 
December  there  is  always  a  terrible  mortality  amongst  tradesmen. 
Why  this  should  be  so  I  know  not.  It  is  not  to  be  supposed  that 
tradesmen  are,  as  a  class,  weaker  or  more  liable  to  deadly  illness  than 
the  rest  of  their  fellow-citizens.  Many  of  them  I  have  met  in  the 
flesh,  and  they  have  always  struck  me  as  a  particularly  healthy, 
well-clad,  strong,  comfortable,  and  energetic  body  of  men— not  at  all 
the  sort  of  men  whom  one  would  expect  to  be  sent  to  their  account 
unhouseled,  disappointed,  unannealed,  and,  above  all,  no  reckoning 
made,  by  the  fogs  and  chills  of  December. 

BUT  there  is  no  getting  out  of  it :  tradesmen  do  die  with  an  alarm- 
ing frequency  and  suddenness  as  the  end  of  the  year  approaches.  As 
I  write  there  lie  before  me  four  communications  from  firms  with 
whom  I  have  from  time  to  time  had  dealings  which  have  been,  I 
trust,  mutually  profitable.  Two  of  these  are  trimmed  with  a  delicate 
little  mourning  border,  the  other  two  are  without  any  external  sign 
of  woe,  but  they  all  tell  the  same  story:  "Dear  Sir,"  says  one, 
"owing  to  the  recent  lamented  death  of  Mr.  JOSHUA  TENPENNY 
(from  heart  disease)  we  have  found  ourselves  compelled  to  call  in  all 
liabilities  due  to  this  firm  of  which  he  was  a  member.  We  beg  with 
compliments  to  enclose  your  valued  account  amounting  to  £9 10s.  4<f., 
and  shall  feel  honoured  by  receiving  from  you  a  cheque  for  same  at 
your  early  convenience.  Trusting  to  be  favoured  with  your  future 
commands,  and  assuring  you  of  our  best  attention  at  all  times,  we  beg 
to  remain  your  obedient  servants,  TENPENNY,  TWISTEB,  &  Co."  In 
the  remaining  three  the  phraseology  and  the  names,  of  course,  vary, 
but  the  distressing  purport  is  the  same. 

THEBE  was  something,  however,  about  the  document  I  have 
quoted  which  struck  me  as  having  a  specially  familiar  air.  I  seemed 
to  remember  that  other  members  of  the  same  firm  had  also  been 
called  away  in  recent  years.  A  search  through  my  papers  plainly 
revealed  what  I  had  only  vaguely  remembered.  I  found,  to  my  horror, 
that,  in  the  short  space  of  five  years,  five  members  of  this  firm  and 
family  had  submitted  to  fate.  In  December,  1890,  it  appeared  that 
Mr.  CALEB  TENPENNY  had  died  (of  diphtheria),  and  that  my  account  of 
£6  5s.  8d.  had  been  called  in.  In  December,  1891,  Mr.  ARTHUB  JOHN 
IENPENNY  went  off  (typhoid  fever),  and  a  request  was  made  to  me 
to  pay  £4  8s.  2rf.  In  December,  1892,  Mr.  HENBT  PARKINSON  TEN- 
PENNY  was  summoned  (by  internal  complications),  and  the  melan- 
choly event  was,  as  usual,  communicated  to  me,  together  with  the 
statement  that  I  owed  the  firm  £5  Os.  3d.  Mr.  WILLIAM  TENPENNT 
Junior,  was  the  next  to  go,  influenza  proving  fatal  to  him 
in  December,  1893.  My  account  then  stood,  as  in  the  previous 
year,  £5  Os.  34  Sorrow  at  the  death  of  Mr.  HENBY  PABKINSON 
L  EN  PEN  NY  had  evidently  caused  me  to  omit  payment  of  what  I  then 

id,  and  to  abstain  from  further  dealings  with  this  death-stricken 


firm  during  the  ensuing  year.  In  December,  1894,  there  was  a  break. 
No  TENPENNY  died;  the  TENPENNY  plum  pudding  was  not  over- 
shadowed by  calamity,  and  the  TENPENNY  Christmas  tree,  blazing 
with  festal  candles,  was  surrounded  by  a  joyful  and  united  family. 
Another  result  seems  to  have  been  that  my  account,  although, 
doubtless,  it  was  rendered,  remained  unpaid.  Obviously,  however, 
this  luck  was  top  good  to  last,  and  accordingly  in  December,  1895,  as  I 
have  already  said,  heart  disease  struck  down  Mr.  JOSHUA  TENPENNY. 

BUT  this  is  not  all.  I  was  talking  the  matter  over  with  a  friend 
who  also  deals  with  TENPENNY,  TWISTEB  &  Co.  He  shocked  me  by 
the  information  that  the  TWISTEBS  were  just  as  liable  to  December 
deaths  as  the  TENPENNYS.  GEOBGE,  SYDNEY,  NORMAN,  ARCHIBALD, 
and  CHABLE9  TWISTEB,  junior,  have  all  died  since  December,  1890, 
of  a  variety  of  illnesses  and  accidents,  the  most  tragic  incident,  per- 
haps, being  the  fall  downstairs  which  robbed  the  world  of  SYDNEY 
TWISTEB,  and  the  railway  collision  in  Spain  which  accounted  for 
CHARLES  TWTSTEB,  junior.  So  close,  in  any  case,  is  the  connection 
between  the  component  elements  of  this  firm  that  no  TENPENNY  ever 
applies  for  a  passage  in  Charon's  ferry  unless  one  of  the  TWISTEBS 
goes  with  him  to  mingle  with  the  lamenting  Shades. 


I  MUST  confess  that,  stated  as  I  have  stated  it  here,  the  business 
begins  to  wear  an  ugly  and  sinister  look.  I  am  not  at  all  satisfied 
that  these  respectable  gentlemen  came  by  their  deaths  in  a  natural 
and  lawful  manner.  I  am  reluctant  to  say  anything  which  may 
cause  offence  to  a  body  of  men  whom  I  cordially  respect,  but  it 
does  seem  to  me  that  these  regularly  recurring  deaths,  amounting  in 
one  firm  alone  to  ten  since  December,  1890,  call  for  a  searching 
investigation  from  the  police  authorities.  What  if  it  should  be  dis- 
covered that  there  exists,  by  the  custom  of  the  trade,  in  every  branch 
of  business  a  suicide  club  with  a  rule  compelling  a  member  of  a  firm 
to  kill  himself  whenever  the  money  owed  to  the  firm  exceeds  a 
certain  amount,  and  another  rule  authorising  the  other  members  to 
kill  him  if  he  fails  to  commit  suicide  within  a  reasonable  time? 
Mind,  I  do  not  affirm  as  a  fact  that  such  a  club  exists.  At  present  I 
have  no  sufficient  evidence,  but  I  must  say  that  natural  causes 
appear  utterly  inadequate  to  explain  the  dreadful  annual  mortality 
amongst  my  unfortunate  tradesmen  in  December. 

WITH  this  exception,  there  is  something  dull  and  prosaic  about 
bills,  when  you  can  pay  them.  Formerly,  of  course,  in  one's  under- 
graduate days  for  instance,  things  were  very  different.  Then  the 
end  of  every  term  brought  its  own  special  excitement  in  the  shape  of 
duns,  who  called  in  person  to  demand  payment  of  their  accounts. 
One  was  able  to  appreciate  dimly  the  feelings  of  the  fox  when  the 
feathering  hounds  thread  through  the  covert  and  push  him  un- 
willingly from  his  lair.  How  artfully  he  slinks  and  glides  amongst 
the  trees,  across  the  rides;  until  at  last  he  slips  away  with  the 
"  yoick ''  of  the  huntsman  ringing  in  his  ears.  With  equal  art  could 
the  undergraduate  mark  the  approach  of  the  relentless  dun  and  avoid 


JANUARY  18,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


him.  In  the  end  the  dun  was  usually  baffled,  and  the  under- 
graduate went  home  light  of  heart  and  lighter  of  pocket,  leaving  his 
sitting-room  table  littered  with  bills  thick  as  leaves  in  Yallombrosa. 

BUT  the  day  of  reckoning,  of  course,  was  only  deferred.  In  the 
end  a  stern  but  forgiving  parent  was  appealed  to,  and  all  the  bills 
were  settled.  In  my  time  this  was  called  "going  a  mucker"; 
probably  the  term  is  still  the  same.  One  man  I  remember  used  to 
be  pointed  out  with  a  certain  amount  of  respectful  awe  as  having 
''gone  a  mucker"  (i.e.,  appealed  to  his  father,  and  had  his  debts 

Said)  three  times  in  one  year.  In  fact,  the  payment  of  one's  just 
ebts,  not  by  means  of  one's  allowance,  but  by  the  interposition  of  a 
parent,  was  looked  upon  and  spoken  of  as  the  very  crown  of  disasters. 
And  now  there  is  no  going  of  muckers  for  most  of  us.  We  are 
turned  into  clergymen,  barristers,  doctors,  business-men  ;  two  of  us 
(with  one  of  whom  I,  moi  qui  vous  parle,  have  rowed  a  race  in  the 
same  boat)  are  bishops ;  we  have  wives,  families,  houses,  and  we  pay 
our  debts  with  a  sober  regularity  which  seems  to  preclude  the  exist- 
ence of  a  past  when  duns  were  avoided,  and  unopened  bills  were  left 
to  look  after  themselves.  Yet  the  days  of  duns  and  of  debt  were  the 
happier,  in  spite  of  occasional  disaster. 


PUNCH  TO  ME.  W.  D.  HOWELLS. 

MY  DEAE  SIR, — I  have  been  reading  an  article  from  your  pen  in 
Harper's  Weekly  of  January  4.  It  will  give  me  genuine  pleasure  if 
you  will  count  me  henceforth  as  one  of  your  devoted  admirers,  your 
servant  to  command  in  any  matter  in  which  it  may  be  possible  for 
me  to  oblige  you.  How  temperately,  how  wisely,  how  humorously, 
with  how  broad  and  generous  a  humanity  do  you  write  of  this  diffi- 
culty which  threatens  to  set  our  two  peoples,  the  British  and  the 
American,  into  hostile  camps.  "I  was  greatly  stirred  the  other 
day,"  you  say,  "  in  reading  the  President's  Message  concerning  the 
Venezuela  boundary  dispute.  I  did  not  like  his  having  four  relative 
pronouns  in  one  sentence  towards  the  close  of  his  message,  and  upon 
the  whole  the  literature  struck  me  as  turgid  and  clumsy,  but  I 
accounted  for  that  by  the  excitement  he  must  have  been  in  when  he 
wrote  it,  and  I  felt  a  responsive  thrill,  which  I  took  to  be  a  patriotic 
emotion,  as  I  read  it.  ...  I  pictured  England  reduced  by  land  and 
sea  to  the  last  extremity  through  the  powers  of  our  army  and  navy 
. .  .  and  the  grass  growing  in  the  streets  before  the  offices  of  the 
London  newspapers  which  had  noticed  mv  books  unfavourably." 

Well,  we  too  have  at  times  experienctd  that  sort  of  emotion,  and 
like  you  we  figure  it  all  so  dramatically  that  we  do  not  fancy  our- 
selves taking  any  part  personally  in  the  difficult  ard  perhaps  dan- 
gerous work.  We  delegate  it,  as  you  did,  to  the  poor  fellows  who  are 
to  fight  and  bleed,  and  continue  to  be  poor  fellows  while  we  reap  the 
honour  and  glory  of  it.  Like  you,  we  imagine  our  own  exemption 
from  all  sorrow  and  suffering,  "  and  the  devotion  of  the  sort  of  people 
who  have  mostly  in  all  ages  of  the  world  been  butchered  for  every 
came,  good  or  bad."  Here,  too,  are  golden  words : — 

"  What  I  chiefly  object  to  in  our  patriotic  emotion,  however,  was  not  that 
it  was  so  selfish,  but  that  it  was  so  insensate,  so  stupid.  It  took  no  account 
of  things  infinitely  more  precious  than  national  honour,  such  as  humanity, 
civilisation,  and  — 

'  the  long  result  of  time ' — 

which  must  suffer  in  a  conflict  between  peoples  like  the  English  and  the 
Americans.  For  the  sake  of  having  our  ships  beat  their  ships,  our  poor 
fellows  slaughter  their  poor  fellows,  we  were  all  willing,  for  one  detestable 
instant  at  least,  to  have  the  rising  hopes  of  mankind  dashed,  and  the  sense 
of  human  brotherhood  blunted  in  the  hearts  of  the  foremost  peoples  of  the 
world." 

But  is  there,  as  you  say,  "in  the  American  heart  a  hatred  of 
England,  which  glutted  itself  in  her  imagined  disaster  and  disgrace 
when  we  all  read  the  PRESIDENT'S  swaggering  proclamation,  in  which 
he  would  not  yield  to  the  enemy  so  far  as  even  to  write  good  English  ?" 
is  there  to  be  no  forgiveness,  are  we  never  to  cancel  old  scores  and 
begin  our  international  book-keeping,  if  I  may  so  term  it,  on  a  clean 
page  ?  I  do  not  think  our  people  hate  yours.  Your  dash,  your  pluck, 
your  humour,  your  keen  common-sense,  your  breezy  and  inexhaustible 
energy,  your  strength  and  broad  capacity  for  government,  all  these 
qualities  command  and  obtain  from  us  a  sincere  tribute  of  admiration. 
If  you  hate  us,  we  must  submit  to  that  melancholy  condition,  but  never 
submit  in  such  a  fashion  as  to  cease  from  honest  effort  to  abate  and 
in  the  end  to  remove  all  hatred.  Blood,  as  one  of  your  naval  captains 
said  on  a  memorable  occasion,  is  thicker  than  water.  So  saying,  he 
dashed  in  to  the  help  of  our  sorely- pressed  ships.  Let  us  then  call  a 
truce  to  petty  and  malignant  carping,  and  join  hands  in  an  alliance 
dependent  not  upon  written  treaties,  but  upon  the  noble  sympathy 
of  two  great  nations  engaged  in  the  same  work  of  civilisation  and 
progress.  You,  Sir,  speaking  for  others,  I  trust,  as  well  as  for 
yourself,  have  set  us  an  example.  I  grasp  your  hand,  and  wish  you 
well  in  all  your  undertakings. 

Believe  me  yours  in  all  cordial  friendship, 


THE  QUEEN'S  LETTER  TO  THE  GERMAN  EMPEROR. 

[We  publish  with  all  reserve  the  following  letter,  which  has,  we  under- 
stand, been  despatched  from  Osborne  Castle  to  Berlin.  From  internal 
evidence  we  should  judge  that  it  was  not  written  but  suggested  by  the 
exalted  lady  bv  whom  it  purports  to  be  signed.  There  is  a  nautical  breezi- 
ness  about  it  tnat  inclines  us  to  attribute  the  actual  authorship  to  the  Duke 
of  T-BK.— ED.  Punch.} 

MELN  LIBBER  WILLY,— Dies  ist  aber  iiber  alle  Berge.  Was  be- 
deutet  eigentlich  deine  Depesche  an  den  alten  KRUGER  der  f  iir  Dich 
doesn't  care  twopence.  Solch  eine  confounded  Impertinenz  habe  ioh 
nie  gesehen.  The  fact  of  the  matter  is  that  Da  ein  furchtbarer 

Schwaggerer  bist.  Warum 
kannstDu  nie  ruhig  bleiben, 
why  can't  you  hold  your 
blessed  row?  Musst  Du 
deinen  Finger  in  jeder  Torte 
haben  ?  Was  it  for  this  that  I 
made  you  an  Admiral  meiner 
Flotte  and  allowed  you 
to  rig  yourself  out  in  einer 
wunderschonen  Uniform 
mit  einem  gekockten  Hut  ? 
If  you  meant  mir  any  of 
your  blooming  cheek  zu 
geben  why  did  you  make 
your  Grandmamma  Colonel 
eines  Deutschen  Cavallerie 
Regiments?  Du  auch  bist 
Colonel  of  a  British  Caval- 
lerie Regiment,  desto  mehr 
die  Sjhade,  the  more 's  the 
pity.  Als  Du  ein  ganz 
kleiner  Bube  warst  habe 
ich  Dich  oft  tiichtig  ge- 
spankt,  and  now  that  you  're  grown  up  you  ought  to  be  spanked  too. 
Wenn  Du  deine  Panzerschiffe  nach  Delagoa  Bay  schickst  werde  ich 
tie  aus  dem  Wasser  blasen,  I  '11  blow  your  ironclads  out  of  the  water 
ehe  Da  dich  umkehren  kannst,  before  you  can  turn  round.  And 
look  here,  if  you'll  come  over  to  this  country  werde  ich  Dich  anneh- 
men,  I  '11  take  you  on,  und  ich  wette  drei  gegen  eins  dasz  ich  Dich 
in  drei  Runden  aueklopfen  werde,  Queensberry  rules,  three  minutes 
to  a  round.  Also  ich  schnappe  meine  Finger  in  your  face.  Da  weist 
nicht  wo  Du  bist,  you  dunno  where  you  are,  and  somebody  must 
teach  you.  Is  BISMARCK  quite  well?  Das  ist  ein  kolossaler  Kerl, 
nicht  wahr  ?  So  lange  I  Don't  be  foolieh  any  more. 

Deine  Dich  liebende  GRANDMAMMA. 


THE  ANGLO-AMERICAN  FAMILY  TREE. 

["After  all,  the  English  people  are  our  people,  and  we  are  theirs." 

New  York  "Morning  Press,"  January  9.] 

WILL  said,  Morning  Press  !  'tis  the  root  of  the  matter 

You  've  got  at — your  race  and  our  race  are  the  same  ; 
Flung  wide  o'er  the  earth  though  our  branches  may  scatter, 

They  spring  from  one  stock,  from  one  sapling  they  came. 
'Twas  a  thousand  long  years,  ere  the  trunk  was  divided, 

Since  Saxon  in  Britain  first  planted  the  seed ; 
Slow  growing  through  storms  and  compact  it  abided, 

The  Oak-tree  of  Freedom— no  wind-shaken  reed ! 
Not  as  mother  to  child,  but  as  brother  to  brother, 

In  age  as  in  stature  our  nations  are  twin ; 
Side  by  side,  not  in  anger  confronting  each  other, 

In  face  of  the  world  let  us  thow  we  are  kin  I 
Yours  and  ours  are  King  ALFRED,  and  CHAUCER,  and  BACON, 

And  SHAKSPEARE,  and  RALEIGH,  and  DBAKE,  and  Qaeen  BESS  ; 
Our  heirship  in  common  can  ne'er  be  forsaken — 

The  glorious  past  we  conjointly  possess. 
Nowadays,  too,  we  share  with  you  athletes  and  actors, 

And  Trilby  we  share,  and  affairs  of  the  heart : 
Each  day  of  fresh  ties  o'er  the  Pond  we  're  contractors- 
There 's  no  MONROE  Doctrine  in  marriage  or  art ! 
If  Teuton  with  Russian  and  Gaul  were  preparing 

To  fly  at  our  throat,  we  would  face  them  all  three  I 
But  attack  Brother  JONATHAN  ?— No.  we  're  forbearing 

To  rend  thus  asunder  the  Family  Tree ! 

LEGAL  AND  MEDICAL.— The  time  of  the  year  is  a  troublesome  one 
for  those  subject  to  gout  and  kindred  complaints,  but  would  it  be 
correct  for  a  lawyer  to  describe  his  symptoms  as  livery  of  seisin  ? 

THE  KAISER'S  FAVOURITE  SONG. — "  William '»  sure  to  be  right." 


30 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  18,  1896. 


'TOUT    EST    PERDU,    FORS    L'HONNEUR!" 

Housekeeper  (who  has  been  describing  the  fire  in  the  country  house,  and  the  destruction  of  all  the  books  and  family  pictures,  <&c.,  <fcc.).  "  YBS, 
MT  LADY,  IVERY  SINGLE  PICTURE  BURNT  TO  ASHBS  1  Bur  I  'VB  on*  THING  TO  TELL  YOU  THAT  WILL  PLEASE  YOU:-/  MANAGED  TU 
SAVE  ALL  LAST  YEAR'S  JAM!" 


THE  PILOT  THAT  WEATHERED 
THE  STORM. 

(Mr.  Punch's  Adaptation  cf  Canning's  Celebrated 
Song  to  Mr.  Chamberlain.) 

IF  hush'd  the  loud  shindy  that  shattered  our 

sleep, 

The  sky  if  no  longer  dark  shadows  deform. 
If  the  worst  of  it's  o'er,  with  the  Boer,  shall 

we  keep 

Silent  tongue  on  the  pilot  that  weathered 
the  storm  ? 

At  the  footstool  of  JOSEPH  Punch  never  did 

fawn,  [cries ; 

Against  him  he  joined  not  in  faction's  dull 

With  those  who  abused,  from  their  ranks 

when  withdrawn, 

The  man  who  till  then  they'd  extolled  to 
the  skies. 

But  clever  ODO!  pluck  to  all  Britons  is  dear, 
An  example  of  which  now  the  nations 

behold. 

A  statesman  unbiassed  by  bounce  or  by  fear, 
Is  worth,  in  a  crisis,  his  weight  in  pure 
gold. 

When  wonder  and  doubt  in  the  hearts  of  us 

reigned, 

When  a  semi-piratical  flag  seemed  unfurled, 
He  the  honour  and  faith  of  our  country  main- 
tained, 

And  set  us  all  right  in  the  sight  of  the 
world. 

We  are  thankful  all  round  an  enthusiast  craze 
Did  not  set  half  the  world  in  a  deuce  of  a 
shine ;  [owe  praise, 

It  to  CHAMBEBLAIN'S  coolness  and  pluck  we 
Where's  the  partisan  fool  who '11  that  tri- 
bute decline  ? 


Not  yet,  Sir,  the  course  of  your  botherraent  's 

oer;  [to  all! 

May  your  talents  and  virtues  prove  equal 

Bat  now  we'll  give  praise  both  to  you  and 

the  Boer,  [could  fall. 

With  a  tear  for  mad  pluck  which  to  folly 

Take  thanks  for  great  dangers  by  wisdom 

repelled, 

For  evils  by  coolness  and  readiness  braved ; 

For    the    Throne   by   considerate   counsels 

upheld,  [saved. 

And   the  People  from  perils  precipitate 

And,  JOE,  if  again  sudden  ructions  should 

rise,  [darkness  deform, 

The  bright  dawnings  of  peace  should  fresh 

The  trust  of  the  good  and  the  hopes  of  the 

wise  [storm ! 

Will  turn  to  the  pilot  that  weathered  this 


PENNY  STEADFULS. 

[Mr.  STEAD  is  issuing  a  penny  edition  of 
standard  works  of  fiction.] 

ONLY  a  penny  left  of  sixpence  I  had  when 
I  went  into  "Spotted  Dog"  1  Not  enough 
for  glass  of  ale.  Mate  advises  me  to  try  a 
penn'orth  of  CHARLEY  DICKENS.  Here  goes  I 

CHAKLEY  is  prime.  Must  sret  more  of  him. 
Spend  a  bob  on  Pickwick.  Why  ain't  there  a 
penn'orth  o'  Sam  Wetter  ?  Sam  is  prime, 
too.  Find  the  missis  wanted  that  bob  for 
Sunday's  dinner.  Can't  give  it  her.  Wishes 
to  know  if  I've  spent  it  "on  the  booze"? 
No.  only  "  on  the  read." 

Pennorth  of  Tom  Jones  next.  Tow's  a 
ripper.  Penn'orths  of  Monte  Cristo,  CHABLEY 
READE,  Joshua  Davidson,  &c. 

Don't  like  this  half-and-half  system. 
Prefer  the  "  entire."  Spend  one  week's  wages 
on  DUMAS.  No  more  escapes  from  prison, 


though.  What  a  sell!  Landlord  wants  n  nt, 
and  missis  wants  tin  for  food.  Spent  it  all. 
Tell  missis  I'm  bound  to  buy  a  penny  She. 
She  doesn't  understand,  and  hints— wilh  a 
saucepan— at  a  judicial  separation.  Better 
out  of  this  I  Off  to  "  Spotted  Dog." 

Sat  up  all  night  over  Charles  0"1  Medley. 
Head  splitting.  Wanted  five  glasses  to  make 
it  right.  Fined  for  being  late  at  work.  Told 
foreman  it  was  all  due  to  Mr.  STEAD  s  penny 
novels.  Foreman  replied  it  was  more  likely 
Mr.  BONG'S  twopenny  beer.  How  unjust ! 

Brokers  in !  Seized  all  my  novels !  Mistus 
in  workhouse.  Says  novels  are  worse  than 
drink.  No  money  to  get  more.  What  shall  I  dp? 

Just  pawned  children's  boots.  Got  Vanity 
Fair — the  whole  hog,  too.  Disappointed. 
THACKEBAY  ain't  in  it  with  the  CHABLEYS. 
Read  two  chapters  of  the  Fair — thought  it  rot 
—off  to  "  Spotted  Dog  "  again.  Jolly  evening. 

No  home.  And  no  employment  1  Sleep  in 
casual  ward.  And  to  think  that  it's  half- 
pints  of  fiction  that  have  brought  me  to  this  I 


To  "Daily  News." 
( A  propos  of  an  Interview  recently  reported. ) 

"  J.  B.  ROBINSON,  he, 

Seems  to  know  something  of  S.  Afrikey." 


Week-end  Party  in  a  Country  House. 

Ordinary  Man  of  Forty.  I  see  someone 
writes  to  the  Times  to  sav  that  the  KAISEB 
ought  to  be  turned  out  of  the  Army  and  Navy. 

Charming  Girl  (much  affected  by  the  pro- 
posed punishment — quite  innocently).  What! 
do  they  want  him  not  to  be  allowed  to  ' '  shop  " 
there  ?  

A  NEW  "LABOUB  OF  HEBCULES"  (ROBIN- 
SON).— To  struggle  with  the  Boer- constrictor. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.— JANUARY  18,  1896. 


KEADY ! 


COME  THE  THREE  CORNERS  OF  THE  WORLD  IN  ARMS, 

AND  WE  SHALL  SHOCK  THEM:   NOUGHT  SHALL  MAKE  US  RUE, 

IF  ENGLAND  TO  ITSELF  DO  REST  BUT  TRUE."— King  John,  Act  V.,  Scene  7. 


JANUARY  18,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


33 


A  FRIENDLY  WORD  WITH  THE 
WAR-WIZARD. 

["  It  would  require  but  the  impetus  of  war  to 
develop  such  a  (food  of  destructive  appliances  as 
would  astonish  the  world.  I  have  invented  a 
machine  by  which  water  charged  with  5000  volts 
can  be  hurled  to  a  great  distance,  which  directed 
on  an  army  would  sweep  it  away  like  chaff." — 
Mr.  Edison.'} 

PHEUGH  I    The  bow,  and  the  sword,  and  the 
dagger, 

The  hundred-ton  gnu  and  torpedo, — 
(If  one  may  trust  EDISON'S  swagger. 

And  Science's  ultimate  credo),— 
Have  been  merely  tentative  trifles 

On  mankind's  red  highway  of  slaughter. 
Machine-guns  and  murderous  rifles, 

Must  yield  to — electrified  water ! 
Oh,  thankee,  dear  EDISON,  thankee 

Inventions  like  yours  are  "  transcendent," 
And  War,  as  improved  by  the  Yankee, 

Will  be — as  mere  carnage — resplendent. 
How  puny  old  Jupiter's  bolts 

Compared  with  your  watery  deluge, 
Which,  charged  up  to  five  thousand  volts, 

"  Will  sweep  armies  away  "  !  Oh !  a  yell 
Must  rise  from — well,  regions  below,  [huge 

For  you  'ye  licked  the  artillery  Satanic. 
Whole  armies  you  '11  smash  at  a  blow  I 

No  wonder  JOHN  BULL 's  in  a  panic. 
Your  dynamo-chains  ''like  great  snakes," 

Your  horrid  electrical  cables, 
Are  terrible  scientist  fakes — 

Unless  they  are  journalist  fables. 
Well,  well,  we  must  "  keep  on  our  har  " 

As  well  as  we  can  in  our  terror. 
But  snakes  1    Edisonian  war 

Would  be  Hades  let  loose,  and  no  error. 
Aerial  infernal  machines, 

Dropping  dynamite  down — what  a  benison  I 
Yon  '11  realise,  doubtless,  the  means 

Conceived  by  the  fancy  of  TENNYSON  ! 
Then  your  water- torpedoes  I    0  lor  I 

We  admit  we  are  awfully  frightened 
You  'd  annihilate  us,  were  it  war, 

Ere  one  could  remark  that  it  lightened  I 
At  least,  so  you  kindly  explain. 

How  friendly,  dear  boy,  is  your  warning ! 
To  your  country  you  'd  give  your  big  brain, 

All  work  save  for  slaughtering  scorning. 
Well,  well,  we  are  glad  that  we  know : 

We  believe  all  your  bounce— to  the  letter. 
And  now  you  have  had  your  big  "  blow," 

Punch  hopes,  my  dear  boy,  you  feel  better  I 


JACKY  AT  THE  MANSION  HOUSE. 

(An  Intercepted  Letter.) 

MY  DEAB  BOBBY,— I  promised  when  we  said 
"  good-bye"  to  one  another  at  Old  WHACKEM'S 
that  I  would  write  to  you  if  anything  particu- 
larly nice  turned  up.  Well,  I  have  been  busy 
ever  since.  I  have  been  to  four  theatres,  a 
circus  (Crystal  Palace),  eix  children's  "at 
homes,"  and  one  'teen  Cinderella.  I  said  I 
would  tell  you  how  many  ices  I  am  taking,  but 
I  gave  up  counting  when  I  got  to  nine  hundred 
and  ninety-seven.  At  the  Mansion  House  the 
other  night  1  had  sixteen.  And  that  reminds 
me  the  juvenile's  fancy  dress  ball  was  simply 
first-rate.  The  LOBD  MAI  OB  is  no  end  of  a 
good  fellow.  And  the  dance  was  A  1.  And 
the  supper  1  Well,  it  satisfied  me,  and  you 
know  I  am  a  bit  of  an  epicure. 

And  the  dresses  ?  Well,  some  of  them  were 
nrst-rate.  There  were  two  young  ladies  with 
Christmas-trees  on  their  heads,  who  were  abso- 
lutely charming.  Then  CHAUCEB  with  a 
wreath,  and  Toreador  with  a  sword,  were 
quite  the  early  English  poet,  and  the  latest 
fctyle  of  bull-fighter.  There  were  all  sorts  of 
costumes,  uniforms.  Indians,  Charley's 
Aunts,  and  jockeys.  But,  as  I  heard  a  grown- 
up say,  the  best  realisation  of  the  ball  was 


Bill  Sykes  (reading).  "THERE  ABE  NOW  TEN  MEN  OF  THE  BKCHUANALA.ND  BORDER  POLIO R 

IN  THE  WHOLE  BECHUANALAND  PROTECTOBATE,  FOUR  OF  WHOM  ABE  DOING  CUSTOMS  DUTY." 


the  LOBD  MAYOB  himself.  Sir  WALTEB 
WILKIN  is  no  end  of  a  good  sort.  He 's  not 
only  a  Lord  Mayor  but  has  worn  a  barrister's 
wig  and  commanded  a  brigade  of  artillery  I 
From  this  yon  will  imagine  that  he  is  a  big 
gun  himself.  So  he  is,  but  also  something 
better.  He's  a  jolly  good  fellow.  And  so 
say  all  of  us.  Aud  by  all  I  mean  everybody. 

And  now  I  must  stop  as  I  have  got  to  be  off 
to  the  pantomime. 

Yours  thoroughly  enjoying  himself, 

JACKY. 

CHORUS  AT  A  MATINEE. 

OH  I    Have  you  seen  Robinson  Crusoe  t 
Lyceum  ?    If  not,  try  and  do  so, 

For  LAUBI  and  STOBBY 

Are  both  in  their  gloryj 
Sweet  ALICE,  Miss  BBOOKKS,  is  young  Crusoe. 


"WtiLF,  WULF!"  — At  Christmas  time 
every  effort  is  made  to  keep  the  wolf  from  the 
door.  The  rich  help  the  poor,  and  the  power- 
ful the  weak.  As  practical  men,  the  directors 
of  the  Crystal  Palace  have  gone  a  step  farther, 
and  instead  of  closing  the  gates  of  the  Syden- 
ham  show,  have  opened  its  portals  to  the  wel- 
come outsider.  M.  WULF  is  a  host  in  himself, 
especially  when  represented  by  his  circus. 


THE  LAUREATE'S  FIRST  RIDE. 

(The  New  Poet-Laureate's  verses  appeared  in  the 

"Times,"  Saturday,  January  11.) 

SONG,  is  it  song  ?    Well  —blow  it  I 

Bat  I'll  sing  it,  boys,  all  the  same 
Because  I  'm  the  Laureate  Poet, 

That 's  the  worst  of  having  a  name  I 
I  must  be  inspired  to  order, 

"  Go,  tell  'em,  to  save  their  breath : " 
I  can  rhyme  to  "  order"  with  "  border," 

And  jingle  to  "  breath  "  with  "  death." 

"  Let  lawyers  and  statesmen  addle 

Their  pates  over  points  of  law ;  " 
Of  Pegasus  I  'm  in  the  saddle, 

But  why  does  he  cough  "  Hee-haw"  ? 
Eight  stanzas !    Inspired  I    Mad  ones  ! 

Sound  well  if  sung  to  a  band ! 
There  1  dash  it  I  some  good,  some  bad  ones, 

To  finish  with  "  crusbings"  and  "  Rind." 
A.  A. 

"BUSINESS  CABBIED  ON  AS  USUAL  DUBLNG 
THE  ALTEBATTONS." — "  Lord  HA WKE'S  Eleven 
playing  the  Johannesburg  team  according  to 
previous  arrangement." 

A  SCHOOLBOY'S  QUEBY.— Are  three  police- 
men's feet  equal  to  one  Scotland  Yard. 


34 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  18,  1896. 


AN   ASTRONOMER. 

Mrs.  S.  "Br  THB  WAT,  I  HEAR  JUPITER — THE  EVENING  STAR — is  •WORTH  .SEEING  JUST 

NOW.      CAN  EITHER  OF  YOU   GlRLS  TELL  HE  WHERE  TO  LOOK  FOR  IT  ?  " 

Bertha.  "YES,  I  CAN.     IT'S  BXACILY  TWO  YARDS  AND  A  HALF  TO  THE  RIGHT  OF  THE 
GREAT  BBAR!" 

Mrs.  S.  "TWO  YARDS  AND  A  HALF  I   WHAT  ON  EARTH  DO  YOU  MEAN  t  " 

Bertha.  " WBLL,  I'VE  MEASURED  IT  CAREFULLY  WITH  MY  UMBRELLA!'' 


NURSERY  RHYMES  IN  "  BOOK  »  FORM 

(Dedicated,  without  especial  permission,  to  the 
Baron  de  Book-  Worms.) 

Am— "  Jack  Sprat." 

WALTER  SCOTT 

Wrote  no  "rot"; 
DICKENS  was  ne'er  obscene. 
For  authors  great 
As  these  we  wait. 
To  sweep  onr  Hill  Top  clean. 

AIK— "  Hi-diddle-diddle." 

Hi-Kipple-Kipple ! 

Your  rhymes  no  more  ripple ; 

Your  prose,  too,  is  getting  abstruse. 
If  you  've  got  more  of  Mowgli, 
Drown  him  in  the  Hoogli, 

And  banii-li  the  rest  to  the  deuce. 

AIR — "  Baa,  baa,  black  sheep." 

"  Mar-Mar-Relli,  have  you  any  rule  P  " 
"  Yes,  Sir,  surely.    '  Critic  means  a/oo/.' 
I  have  a  grievance,  Satan  has  as  well ; 
A'though  I  think— and  you'll  agree  —  bis 
Sorrows  are  a  sell." 

AIR — "  Humpty  Dumpty" 

GRANTIE  ALLIE  sat  on  the  hill. 
GRANTIE  ALLIE  had  a  great  spill. 
All  gentle  readers,  both  women  and  men, 
Hope  he  will  never  go  there  again. 

AIB—  "  Three  Blind  Mice." 

Three  good  books.    See  how  thev  sell ! 
Platform,  Press,  Play,  by  T.  H.  8.  E., 
Tall  Talk  by  Sii  ALLEY,  and  Blackwood't 

"8hirl«e," 
They  've  none  of  your  modern  morbid i tee 
These  three  good  looks. 

AIR — "  Mary,  Mary,  quite  contrary" 

OUTDA,  OUIDA,  CORELL'S  leader, 
How  does  your  MS.  grow  t 

Latin,  Greek,  quotations  fleek. 
And  epithets  "  all  in  a  row." 

AIR — "Little  Jack  Homer" 

Little  too  Hardy,  do  not  be  tardy 
In  mending  your  too-blue  cake. 

For,  by  scissors  and  paste, 

'Tis  not  good  to  the  taste, 
But  a  most  injudicious  "  half-bake  "  I 


BEBLIN  WOOL  GATHERING. 

(A  Page  from  Somebody1  s  Diary.) 

Sunday.— After  preaching  my  customary  sermon  to  the  members 
of  the  Court,  and  putting  an  equerry  under  arrest  for  falling  asleep 
before  the  end  of  it,  took  up  my  favourite  book,  The  Life  of 
Barnum,  and  sought  for  inspiration.  Drew  blank  this  time.  How- 
ever, dashed  off  letters  to  the  POPE  and  the  Archbishop  of  CANTER- 
BURY, giving  the  first  a  few  hints  upon  ritual,  and  the  last  a  new 
pattern  for  lawn  sleeves. 

Monday.—  Spent  the  morning  pleasantly  in  trying  on  uniforms 
and  being  photographed  in  the  whole  thirty  of  them.  Read  in  the 
papers  that  someone  had  found  out  a  new  star.  Wired  my  personal 
congratulations  to  the  observant  savant,  and  desired  him  to  call  his 
astronomical  discovery  after  me.  Gave  a  lecture  to  my  "veteran 
class."  Fair  attendance  of  elderly  ecclesiastics,  warriors,  and  diplo- 
matists. My  subject-  treated  simply  and  literally—"  How  to  empty 
eggs  by  suction,"  greatly  appreciated.  Sent  a  professor  to  gaol  for 
danng  to  give  a  testimonial  to  a  pill  manufacturer — such  recom- 
mendations should  be  endorsed  with  my  signature.  I  cannot  allow 
tampering  with  my  prerogative. 

Tuesday.— Noticing  that  the  Little  Pedlington  football  team  has 
proved  victorious  in  a  contest  with  the  Shoreditoh  Outsiders,  I  sent 
messages  of  hearty  congratulation  to  the  one  and  sincere  condolence  to 
the  other.  Delivered  another  lecture  to  the  "  veteran  class,"  a  body 
which,  on  this  occasion,  had  to  be  collected  together  at  the  point  of 
the  bayonet.  My  subj  eot, ' '  My  self  as  Universal  Instructor,"  was  full 
of  interest.  Spent  the  rest  of  the  day  in  solving  the  problem  "  how 
to  attain  the  maximum  of  interference  in  the  minimum  of  time." 


Wednesday. — Roughed  out  a  scheme  for  an  International  Exhibi- 
tion. Should  be  sixteen  times  as  big  as  Chicago.  Central  idea  a 
colossal  statue  of  myself.  Should  be  twice  as  high  as  the  Tour  Eiffel. 
Another  feature— a  gigantic  wheel  four  times  the  size  of  that  at 
Earl's  Court.  In  the  hundred  cars  should  be  bands  of  nmt-ie  playing  a 
new  National  Anthem  about  me,  composed  by  myself.  Sent  a  message 
of  congratulation  to  Drury  Lane.  However,  next  year  must  beat 
the  record  myself.  Nothing  I  thould  like  better  than  producing  a 
pantomime. 

Thursday.— Rather  neglected  my  fleet  and  army  lately.  ^  0/dered 
off  all  the  available  vessels  to  the  coast  and  organised  an  invasion. 
Prepared  for  a  row  anywhere.  Filled  in  half-a-dozen  telegrams  of 
congratulation,  and  dispatched  them  in  all  directions'.  Spent  the 
remainder  of  the  day  in  consultation  with  my  tailor.  Have  schemed 
out  a  sort  of  combination  uniform,  composed  of  two-thirds  field- 
marshal  to  one- third  admiral  of  the  fleet. 

Friday. — Great  fan  !  I  have  been  taken  seriously  I  Friendly 
power  says  that  I  have  insulted  it  I  Must  have  international  potters 
of  mvself.  Portrait,  of  course.  One  thousand  double  crowns.  Try 
one  thousand — ought  to  do  as  a  commencement.  Must  have  more 
stations  than  the  soap  people.  Ought  to  bill  from  the  Arc'  ic  to  the 
Antartic.  Sent  message  if  congratulation  to  the  proprietors  of  the 
Self-appreciative  Savon. 

Saturday.— Very  much  disturbed  by  a  dream.  Fancied  in  my 
sleep  that  I  was  at  Eton.  Just  begun  my  customary  game,  when  a 
fellow  bigger  than  myself  tdd  me  1  "wanted  the  bumptiousness 
taken  out  of  me,"  and  gave  me  a  good  sound  kicking  I 

NEW  YEAR  TITLES.— Turk :— Family  Butcher. 


JANUARY  18,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


35 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 
THE  YACHTSMAN  TO  HIS  LASS. 

THE  breeze  is  blowing  full  and  fair, 

The  billows  danoe  with  glee, 
And  sparkle  'neath  the  noonday  glare 

Like  jewels  of  the  sea. 
The  schooner's  bow  begins  to  dip, 

Her  snowy  wings  are  free ; 
The  dinghy's  waiting  by  the  "  slip  " 

For  you,  my  lass,  and  me. 

How  nautical  your  pretty  dress, 
Your  hat  with  sailor  brim, 

The  buttons  lettered  "  R.  Y.  S." 
Upon  your  jacket  trim ; 

Your  silken  knot  with  burgee  ring, 
Your  shirt  of  navy  blue. 

Your  dainty  telescope  in  sling- 
All  typical  of  you. 

We  're  off  I  and  westward  be  our  way 

O'er  Solent's  flowing  tide. 
"We'll  race  the  sun  till  close  of  day, 

As  swiftly  on  we  glide 
By  Yarmouth's  pier  and  Totland's  strand, 

By  Alum's  glowing  bay. 
By  where,  mist-clad,  the  Needles  stand, 

White  sentinels  mid  grey. 

Hurrah  I  hurrah  I  the  eager  wind 

Makes  all  the  canvas  fill. 
The  lighthouse  we  have  left  behind — 

On  I  on!  to  Portland  Bill. 
Your  Viking  blood  must  feel  the  spell, 

"With  ecstasy  must  flow 

Sp*ak  louder  I    What  ?   Oh,  very  well, 

You  'd  better  go  below ! 


EQUALLY  TRUE.— It  is  stated  by  a  teetotal 
scientist  that  any  man  drinking  plain  hot 
water  for  a  year  or  two  will  never  again  need 
whiskey.  Dr.  PUNCH  confidently  asserts  that 
anyone  drinking  plain  hot  whiskey  for  the 
same  period  will  never  again  require  water. 

QUERY  (by  One  "  who  only  asks  for  infor- 
mation "). — Was  the  President  of  the  Orange 
Free  State  born  in  Belfast  ? 


TALENT  v.  GENIUS. 

Bob  (the  man  of  genius).  "GOOD  HEAVENS!  THEY'RE  ADVERTISING  THE  TENTH  EDITION 

OF  THAT   CONFOUNDED    BOOK  OF  YOURS  WHICH   I  'VE  NEVER  READ,     AND    NEVER    MEAN    TO  1 

WHAT  RUBBISH  IT  MUST  BE,  TO  BE  so  POPULAR  AS  ALL  THAT  I " 

John  (the  man  of  talent).  "An,   WELL — ONE  MUST  LIVX,  YOU  KNOW  I    LOOK  HERE,   OID 

MAN,  I  DON'T  WANT  TO  BRAG,  BUT  IF  YOU  *LL  MAKE  IT  WORTH  MY  WHILE,  I  'LL  PROMISE 
TO  WRITE  IN  LESS  THAN  A  WEEK  A  THREE -VOLUME  NOVEL  THAT  SHALL  FALL  AS  STILL- 
BORN FROM  THE  PRESS  AS  IF  YOU  'D  WRITTEN  EVERY  WORD  OF  IT  YOURSELF,  AND  SPBNT 
A  COUPLE  OF  TEARS  IN  THE  PROCESS  I  " 


MARY  ANNER  ON  MARBLE  'ALLS  AND  AMERICAN  NOTIONS. 

fin  America  it  is  customary  to  make  forecourts  and  house-steps  of  marble, 
and  clean  them  with  long-handled  swabs  without  the  necessity  of  kneeling.] 

"  I  DREAMT  I  dwelt  in  marble  'alls  I  "    One  thinks  of  that  old  ditty 
A-hearing  of  them  Yankee  steps.    If  people  knowed  they  'd  pity 
The  sorrows  of  a  servant-girl  a-kneeling  and  a-slopping, 
As  might  be  done  in  cumfort-like  by  marble  flags  and  mopping. 
Same  as  I ' ve  eeed  them  sailors  do ;  wioh  my  young  man 's  a  yotman, 
As  caught  my  'art — 'e  is  that  smart ! — and  cut  out  JEM  the  potman, 
Last  Heaster-time  as  ever  was.    JACK,  'e  sees  me  hearthstoning 


This  ain't  no  work  in  winter- time  for  pore  young  gals.    0  blow  it  I 
I  '11  give  your  red-nosed  dragon  beans ! "    Sez  I,  "  No 


stow  it ! 


Now  JACK,  dear, 


She's  bossing  through  the  blinds  at  yer  this   blessed   moment, 

drat 'er  I 
You'd  only  make  it  wus  for  me  a- faring  on  the  matter. 

"  think  they  led  to  'eaven, 
.e  routs  me  up  at  seven, 
snow  by  breakfast-time !  "—'Ere 
JACKY 

Let  out  a  large-sized  swear,  and  bunked,  a-biting  at  'is  'baccy 
As  though  it  was  the  nubbly  nose  of  that  there  Miss  BELINDER. 
As  e  could  twig  a-piping  on  'im  through  the  parlour  winder. 
Heigho !    'Taint  no  use  'owling,  but  JACK'S  right ;  this  'ere  step- 
cleaning 
Ain't  woman's   work   by   enny  means.     You'd   understand  my 

meaning 

J1K. a  °JPPin?  cold,  east  wind,  some  morning  in  December, 
Wltn  chilblains  on  yer  'ands  and  'eels,  and  aches  in  every  member, 
A   j  »<r-    8<  an^  a  re<^er  nose»  an^  a  'ousemaid's  knee  a-coming, 
And  Miss  BELINDER  at  the  blinds  a-soowling  and  a-drumming, 


You  'ad  to  clean  those  cold  stone-steps  and  flags  slap  down  the 

garden.  "•->0 

"  Fiddle  I  "  sez  Miss  BELINDER.    "  It  '11  brace  yer  up.  and  'arden." 
'Arden  P    0  lor' !    If  shivery,  sore,  numb  feelings  'aiden  anyone, 
/ought  to  be  as  'ard  as  nails.    A  step-gal,  now,  a  penny  one, 
Or  tuppenny  touch,  one  o'  them  towzly,  trollopy  tramps  as  tout 

about 
For  morning  jobs,  and  then  run  loose,  are  'ard,  that  there's  no  doubt 

about. 

But  decent  gals  as  love  fal-lals,  mere  flesh  and  blood  ones,  perishes 
A  'earthstoning  them  steps  and  stones  our  English  missis  cherishes. 
Therefore  them  marble  steps  and  mops  the  Yankee  'ired  'elps  uses, 
Makes  my  mouth  water.    JOHNNY  BULL  is  stubborn,  and  refuses, 
Most  times,  to  learn  of  f  urriners ;  but  in  their  floors  and  pavings 
Them  Yankees  seem  to  beat  us.    0,  the  comforts  and  the  savings, 
In  colds,  and  cramps,  and  'ousemaid's  knees,  if  scrubbings  and  cold 

stoppings, 

Could  be  did  'ere,  as  over  there,  without  our  'ard  knee-floppings  I 
And  if  inwentors  'ere  will  take  this  lesson  from  the  Yankee, 
UsEnglish  servants  gals  will  shout  one  loud  tremeDJous  "Thankee!  1 1 " 

The  Long  and  the  Short  of  it. 

SCENE— A  Board  School. 

Pupil.  Oh,  prithee,  teacher,  tell  to  me, 

Are  we  at  war  with  Ashantee  ? 
Teacher.  On  that  my  information 's  scanty : 

But,  p'raps,  my  lad,  you  mean  Ashanti  ? 

CURIOUS  COINCIDENCE. — A  reviewer  contends  in  the  Pall  Mall 
Gazette  that  all  books  ought  to  be  out.  On  the  other  hand,  many, 
not  absolutely  thin-skinned,  authors  declare  that  reviewers  ought  to 
be  treated  in  the  same  way. 

THE  LTNE  WHICH  is  OFTEN  DRAWN. — The  Equator. 


36 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUAEY  18,  1896. 


"UNDER  WHICH  KING"  (STEEET,  ST,  JAMES'S). 

HOPE  told  a  fluttering  tale  when  he  wrote  his  stirringly,  highly- 
charged  Sir-John-Gilbertesquian  romance,  The  Prisoner  of  Zenda. 
Anyone  fond  of  the  lighter  kind  of  music  united  to  an  extravagant 
plot,  while  reading  ANTHONY  HOPE'S  romance,  must  have  seen  what  a 


sham  King  of  Ruritania.  It  gives  additional  zest  to  the  situation 
that  Lord  Topham,  the  English  Ambassador,  capitally  played  by  Mr. 
GEORGE  BANCROFT  (who  has  quitted  the  Court  (of  law)  to  appear  at  St. 
James's),  should  be  the  impostor's  uncle,  but  so  blind  as  not  to  recog- 
nise his  nephew.  All  this  is  pure  extravagant  fun.  That  the 
Princess  Flavia  should  fall  in  love  with  the  imposter,  and  he  with 


cnance  there  would  have  been  in  it  f  jr  an  opera  after  the  style  of  !  her,  is  all  part  of  "  the  humour  of  it."    But  that  this  should  ever  be 

La  Grande  Duchesse  de  Gerolstein,  book  by  MEILHAC  and  HALEVY,  '  i*1 : 

and  music  by  the  late  King  of  opera-bouffe  composers,  JACQUES 
OFFENBACH.  It  needed  an  OFFHNBACH;  for  anyone  else,  English, 
French,  or  German,  touching  this  subject  would  have  found  himself 
woefully  hampered  and  bothered  by  Oifenbacbian  memories. 

Here  are  all  his  characters  to 
hand:  here  is  his  Grand  Duke, 
his  courtiers,  his  General  Bourn 
conspiring  to  support  the  Young 
Pretender ;  here  is  the  pretty 
princess  ready  for  a  sweet  song 
and  a  love  duet ;  here  are  evi- 
dently burlesque  imitations  of 
Wagnerian  Ortrude  and  Telra- 
mond,  immediately  recognisable 
in  Antoinette  de  Mauban  and  the 
Black  Michael,  fitted  with  grand 
situations  for  ultra  comic  duets, 
to  be  taken  most  seriously :  while 
in  opportunities  for  solos,  trios, 
grand  choruses,  ballets,  and  spec- 
tacular effects,  never  could  libret- 
tist's book  be  richer.  There  is  for 
the  librettist  and  composer  a  per- 
fect wealth  of  material;  but  for 
the  playwright,  choosing  to  take 
himself  and  this  story  seriously, 
all  that  is  food  for  the  comic  opera 
librettist,  is,  to  him,  poisop.  So 
much  for  the  romance  and  the 
opera-bouffe,  the  King  ofTooriru- 
ritania,  as  it  might  have  been:  and 
now  for  the  play  by  EDWARD  ROSE, 
the  Blooming  ROSE,  as  presented 
at  the  St.  James's  Theatre. 

It  is  in  a  Prologue  and  four  Acts.  It  commences  at  a  quarter  to 
eight,  and  is  over  t>y,  or  soon  after,  eleven.  The  Prologue  is  a  little 
drama  in  itself  ;  it  is  admirably  played  by  Mr.  GEORGE  ALEXANDER 


seriously—  impossible ! 
"When  in  the  last  Act  is  seen  the  miserable  victim  of  this  light- 
hearted  practical  joke,  the  King,  dying  in  the  vault  of  the  castle,  the 
audience  having  thoroughly  "  entered  into  the  humour  of  the  thing," 
are  on  tiptoe  of  expectation  for  him  to  say  something  at  which  they 

can  laugh ;  but  suddenly  they  find 
that  "this  joke  is  no  joke,"  that 
what  is  fun  for  the  boys  is  death 
to  the  frog,  and  they  discover  that 
this  tragic  situation,  rendered 
still  more  tratie  by  Mr.  ALEX- 
ANDER'S forcible  acting,  is  not  by 
any  means  in  keeping  with  the 
farcical  antecedents. 

Then  when  action  commences, 
when  the  repentant  Antoinette 
sympathises  with  the  miserable 
monarch,  when  she  has  been  res- 
cued from  the  obj  Actionable  atten- 
tions of  one  ruffian  only  to  fall 
into  the  arms  of  another,  when 
there  has  been  a  fight  to  rescue 
her,  and  when  the  castle  has  been 
taken  by  storm  (that  is,  by  troops 
only  "heard  without"),  and 
everything  somehow  or  another 
( luht  to  end  happily,  then  the 
author  disappoints  us,  the  lovers 
separate  never  to  meet  again,  and 
down  comes  the  curtain  on  the 
poor  deserted  Princess  Flavia, 
the  living  •victim  of  a  prepos- 
terous practical  joke  I  And  the 


Trio  of  Conspirators,  led  by  General  Sapt-Boum  ! 
Damons  !     Chan  tons  ! 
"  Petits  pas !    Petits  pas 
Petits,  petite,  petits  pas ! " — Grande  Duehei.se. 


as  "the  Red  Elphege,"  of  1733— which  sounds  like  a  peculiar  wine 
of  a  good  vintage  year ;  bv  Mr.  WARING  as  "  the  Black  Elphege," 
which  sounds  a  bit  like  the  Original  Bones  of  Christy  Minstrelsy, 
with  a  song  "  The  Waring  of  the  Black"  parody  upon  "  The 
Wearing  of  the  Green"  ;  by  Mr.  CHARLES  GLENNEY,  as  the  Heavy 
Husband,  who,  in  company  with  Miss  MABEL  HACKNEY  (a  fresh 
yours:  actress,  in  spite  of  her  name),  Mr  FEATHERSTONE,  Mr.  BOYCE, 
and  Mr.  SIEBNHOYD,  struts  his  short  half-hour  on  the  stage,  and  then 
is  heard  no  more.  In  this  Prologue,  had  Prince  Rudolph,  or  the 
husband,  been  killed,  we  should  have  had  a  complete  little  one  Act 
domestic  tragedy,  a  lever  du  rideau  of  exceptional  merit,  well  worth 
seeing  on  account  of  the  acting.  But  those  who  come  in  at  8.30  may 
comfort  themselves  by  the  assurance  that  the  Prologue  they  have 
missed  is  not  essential  to  the  plot,  its  incidents  being  recounted  in 
about  three  lines  during  the  progress  of  the  First  Act  of  the  play. 

And  this  first  Act  is  excellent.  The  device  by  which  a  "  double  "  is 
nibstituttcl  for  Mr.  ALEXANDER,  who,  as  the  moustachioless,  tippling 
King,  topples  over  on  the  right-hand  side  of  the  stage  when,  almost 
at  the  same  instant,  he  himself,  as  Rassendyll,  the  mouetachioed 
English  tourist,  enters  on  the  left,  is  one  of  the  best  deceptions 
since  Duboscq  and  Lesurques,  the  two  single  gentlemen  rolled  into 
one  actor,  startled  the  town.  The  change  is  effected  with  such  neat- 
ness and  precision  as  to  defy'  detection.  The  oldest  stagers  will  be 
puzzled,  and  the  youngest  will  scarcely  believe  their  eyes. 

In  fact,  the  three  first  Acts  are  all  as  good  as  they  can  be ;  but  the 
question  must  arise,  what  sort  of  piece  are  we  looking  at  P  Is  it  not 
the  dramatic  representation  of  an  extravagant  practical  joke,  which 
the  originators  are  taking  with  a  light  heart,  and  in  which  the  author 
has  been  puzzled  as  to  how  it  is  to  be  taken,  seriously  or  not  P  If 
seriously,  then  the  motive  is  inadequate,  and  the  striking  tragedy 
notes  of  Miss  LILY  HAN.BTJRY  as  the  handsome  mistress  of  '"the 
Black  Elphege"  represented  by  Mr.  HERBERT  WARING,  that  double- 
dyed  black  villain,  ought  to  give  the  tone  to  the  piece ;  in  which  case 
the  merriment  of  the  three  practical  jokers,  Rassendyll,  Colonel  Sapt 
(Mr.  W.  H.  VERNON),  and  Fritz  (Mr.  ROYSTOIT),  is  quite  out  of  place. 
But,  on  the  contrary,  it  is  the  light-hearted  gaiety  of  the  conspirators 
which  carries  the  audience  along  and  makes  "our  friends  in  front" 
participators  in  the  jest,  thoroughly  enjoying  the  audacious  humour 
of  the  situation.  It  is  good  fun  to  see  all  these  magnificently  haughty 
nobles,  the  Cardinal  Primate,  the  Lords  and  Ladies,  the  representa- 
tives of  the  Great  Powers,  all  taken  in,  and  kissing  the  hand  of  the 


audience,  after  paying  just 
tribute  to  the  excellence  of  the 
things  had  turned  out  rather 


acting,  go   away   wishing   that 
differently. 

Now.  how  ought  this  practical  joke  to  have  ended  ?  Thus  :— The 
toper  King  should  have  been  allowed,  like  Barnardine,  the  drunken 
convict,  to  have  been  spoken  of  as  having  drank  hionelf  to  death ; 
he  should  not  have  been  seen  at  all.  The  walls  should  have  been 
battered  down,  the  successful  troops  admitted,  and  Princess  Flavia 
should  have  b^en  proclaimed  Queen,  giving  her  hand  to  Rudolf 
Rassendyll  as  Prince  Consort.  Cheers,  triumphant  music,  tableau, 
curtain,  and  everyone  happy. 

Of  course  it  is  not  likely  that  this  suggestion  as  to  excision  of 
Prologue  and  re- writing  the  finish  will  be  acted  upon ;  hut  had  it 
been  thus,  then  whatever  the  present  success  of  this  piece  may  be, 
interesting  and  amusing  as  it  now  is,  its  popularity  would  have  been 
undisputed,  and  its  run  trebled.  As  it  is,  it  may  well  be  seen  and 
enjoyed  for  the  acting  of  all  concerned  in  it ;  but  to  ask  either  actors 
or  audience  to  take  seriously  the  characters  aiding  and  abetting  so 
''comic- opera"  a  plot,  is  to  demand  an  impossibility.  And  thus  it 
is  that  anything  like  real  sentiment,  acted  or  spoken,  is  so  much 
wasted  force.  This  play  is  one  thing,  and  Mr.  HOPE'S  original  romance 
quite  another.  In  effect,  Mr.  ROSE  is  "  Hope-ing  against  Hope." 


His  Own  Poetical  Explanation  of  It. 

WHY  our  linkman  didn't  appear  for  a  week  after  the  first  of  the 
New  Year  :— 

So  many  tips  'e  'ad  an'  many  "  nips  "  'e 

Took  down !  through  these  ere  tips  'e  got  quite  tipsee. 

\_Forgiven,  but  'e  'opes  not  to  be  forgotten  next  year. 


"  WALKER— LONDON." — Where  are  our  diaries  for  this  New  Year  P 
Where  ?  ' '  Echo  answers, '  WALKER  '  I "  The  question  solvitur  a  mbu- 
lando.  WALK  KR  has  just  published  his  diaries,  of  all  shapes  and  sizes, 
to  suit  all  pockets  and  all  tastes,  for  taste  must  be  included  when  a 
popular  book  is  likely  to  be  in  everybody's  mouth.  Neat,  not  bulky, 
with  patent  pencils  that  need  no  cutting,  and  some  of  them  with 
cavers  that  will  last  long  and  improve  with  age,  so  that  all  that 
will  be  necessary  up  to  end  of  present  century  (whenever  that  may 
be,  for  already  there  is  a  difficulty  as  to  when  the  next  century  is  to 
commence)  for  the  possessor  of  one  of  these  handy  pocket-books  to 
do,  is  to  follow  the  example  of  a  good  sporting  landed  proprietor, 
and  preserve  the  covers,  taking  care  to  stock  them  afresh  each 
year. 


JANUARY  25,  1896.J 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


37 


THE    MODESTY 


GENIUS. 


Country  Vicar  (muck  impressed  by  his  new  acquaintance). 
"  PBAY  TBLL  ME,  MR.  WISPE,  OF  ALL  THE  GREAT  POBTS, 
AKCIENT  AND  MODERN,  WHICH  DO  TOTT  REVERE  AND  AD- 
MIRE THE  MOST?" 

Svpr erne  young  Poet  (the  third  that  has  appeared  this  week). 
"MYSBLF." 


GABBY;  OR,  REMINISCENCES  OF  THE  RANK  AND  THE  ROAD. 

(By  "  Hansom  Jack.") 

No.  XIII.— CHRISTMAS  HOLIDAYS  ON  THE  ROAD— LADIES  AND 
GENTLEMEN— TIPS  AND  NIPS — TOFFY  TINDAL'S  TALE — MORAL 
FOR  MTJNIFICENCE. 

"  'OLIDAYS  ?    Fudge  I "  grumbles  old  BILLY  BOGER,  wropped  up  like 

a  turtle,  and  toasting  'is  back 
At  our  bit  of  a  fire,  Christmas  Day  in  the  morning.   "  Wot 's  'olidays 

mean  to  a  'nsky  old  'ack, 
A  stiff  'un  like  me,  without  ne'er  a  old  stookin'  for  old  Santa  "Wot  'a  it 

e  to  fill  foil  o'  toys  ? 
'Olidays  P    Gammon  I    They  don't  mean  not  nuffin',  'oept  peiks  to 

the  toppers  and  larks  to  the  toys." 

Bilious  old  BILLY  is  sour  but  not  silly, 
truth  in  'is  talk. 


"With  some  oily  leaves  tickling  yer  rose  through  the  trap  if  you  take  a  sly  peep 
at  the  party  inside, 

With  seventeen  bundles,  a  cait,  and  a  rockin'-'orse,  swellin'  like  six  with  good- 
nature and  pride. 

Give  me  the  gents  for  good  fares  and  a  tip  or  so.  Lydies— lord  love  'em  I — 
sweet,  sour,  young  or  old,  [though  silver  was  gold. 

Go  mostly  "according  to  COCKER"  with  cabbies.    They 'andle  their  purse  as 

And  copper  was  silver.  Their  neat- kidded  fingers,  though  tiny  and  trim,  'aye 
no  end  of  a  grip,  [a  lip. 

And  not  one  in  ten  on  'em  reckons  'er  bundles  kerrect,  or  is  moved  to  give  Cabby 

Lydies  not  bizness-like  ?  Bless  yer,  the  beauties  just  beat  Mister  Man  at  that 
game  by  a  mile.  [smile, 

See  a  small  fist  twisted  round  a  port-money,  a  pair  o'  red  lips,  as  look  made  for  a 

Snap  sharp  upon  "  That 's  your  right  fare,  Cabman  1 "  Scissors  !  Nutcrackers 
not  in  it  for  nip  with  she- jaws. 

And  grumbling's  about  as  much  good  against  females  as  fists  against  granite, 
or  tears  against  laws. 

The  worst  o'  the  gents  is,  they  will  ply  the  liquor  so  I  Don't  mind  a  weed  now 
and  then,  good  or  bad  [awfully  'ad). 

(And  some  of  the  toffs  must  buy  tuppenny  duffers,  or  be  by  their  'bacoynists 

But  seventeen  whiskies  took  on  seriatum  will  tell  on  the  toughest ;  and  then 
such  a  mix,  [a  fix. 

From  Port  to  Old  Tom,  as  you  get  at  this  eeason  I— it  puts  sober  coves  in  a  bit  of 

To  take  'alf  the  neat  New  Year  nips  out  in  tuppences,  that  would  suit  Cabbies, 
and  likewise  their  wives.  [strives. 

London,  you  see 's  a  'ard  place  to  keep  sober  in,  special  at  Christmas,  'owever  one 

That  form  of  convivialness  known  as  "  treating,"  to  cabbies  and  others  is  just  a 
fair  cuss, 

Lots  will  stand  you  free  drinks  all  the  evening,  and  yet  if  you're  broke  for  a 
tanner  will  raise  a  big  fuss. 

Rum  thing,  'uman  friendship  1    It  often  sticks  close  to  mere  self  as  its  shadder. 

For  what  can  you  think 
Of  a  "jolly  good  pal"  whose  sole  notion  of  'elping  a  stoney-broke  chum  is  to — 

stand  Mm  a  drink  P 
Just  feels  disposed  for  a  booze-mate,  that 's  all,  for  a  lot  of  big  laps  don't  like 

lapping  alone,  [a  'eart  like  a  stone. 

And  there 's  many  a  swaggercome  treater-all-round  who,  away  from  the  bar,  'as 

So  gents,  remember  when  dealing  with  Cabby,  andBobby,  and  others  at'oliday  time. 
Free  standing  of  drinks  isn't  always  a  kindness,  is  frequent  most  selfish,  and 

sometimes  a  crime 
Wish  you  'ud  known  TOFFY  TINDAL  I   Ah,  TOFFY,  old  pal,  it  is  many  long  years 

since  you  died,  [at  my  side  ? 

But  wouldn't  I  relish  a  crack  with  you  now,  or  a  rattle  up  west,  lad,  with  you 

Smart  as  they  made  'em,  and  'earty  and  gamesome,  a  swell — for  those  days  before 

FORDER- sound  throueh, 
Except  in  the  throttle .'    Once  flash  that  with  liquor  too  much,  and  poor  TOFFY 

was  in  for  a  screw. 
Fought  it,  'e  did,  with  'is  pooty  wife  aiding,  and  me,— well,  /didn't 


'E  stretches  a  bit,  but  there 's 


Wot  is  Merry  Christmas  to  BILL'S  crippled  gal,  with  a  cough  like  a 

creak  and  a  face  like  grey  chalk  ; 
Who  spends  the  great  day  with  penwipers  and  pincushions,  grinding 

away  at  a  few  bob  a  gross, 
And  wolfing  'er  sag sige  and  mashed  without  stopping  ?    To  drop  it, 

to  'er,  would  be  no  mighty  loss. 

Nevertheless,  while  you  're  young,  straight,  and  'ealthy,  the  crush  of 

the  'oliday-makers  all  round, 
Though  you're  nailed  to  your  box,  makes  the  world  a  bit  warmer. 

There 's  that  in  the  scuffle  and  buzzy-wuz  sound 
Of  a  number  of  people  a  flocking  together,  for  'olidays,  shoppin',  a 

fog,  or  a  fire, 
As  makes  you  less  lonesome,  though  you  may  be  out  of  it.    Carn't 

quite  say  why.    P'r'aps  some  gent  will  inquire. 

So  /like  Christmas-time,  spite  of  .old  BILLY,  who  calls  it  all  bunga- 

ron-bosh  ;  poor  old  crock  ! 
Lor',  the  rum  cab-loads  one  'as  at  this  season !  Full  from  the  floor  to 

the  cab- roof,  plum- chock, 


shirk  'elping,  you  bet. 
'Appy  days  f  'Appy  days  I    We  was  young,  'earty,  'opef  al ;   and 
'olidays  then— ah  I  I  think  of  'em  yet, 

Especial  that  Christmas  when  TOFFY'S  young  missus  'ad  brought  'im 

TOFF  was  as  proud  as  two 


a  present, — 'e  called  it  a  doll. 

Along  of  its  yellow-topped  flunaaess. 

Punches,  and  so  was  'is  POLL. 


As  luck  would  'ave  it  the  night  afore  Christmas  we  drove,  TOFF  and 

me  did,  a  couple  o'  fares 
Both  going  out  Balham  way.    Lor !  'ow  we  chatted  and  laughed  as 

— quite  friendly — we  raced  our  two  mares. 
TOFF  got  the  lead,  and  turned  off  at  a  corner.    I  'eard  'im  a  shouting 

for  full  arf  a  mile, 
And  the  click  of  'is  mare's  'eels  sang  back  through  the  frostiness.    I 

trotted  on  with  a  phiz  all  a-smile. 
With  friendship,  and  'ope,  and  good  thoughts  of  the  morrow  at 

TOFF'S  with  'is  " doll"  and  'is  POLL  and  'is  pipe. 
And  TOFF— well,  that  old  gent  just  "  treated  "  'im— Christmassy  I 

Ah  I  and  the  drink  got  poor  TOFF  in  its  gripe. 
Ramped  'ome.  ran  wild,  and  run  over  a  kiddy  I    It  broke  'im,  the 

pain  and  disgrace  of  that  drunk ; 
All  tried  to  cheer  'im,  and  'elp  'im,  but  no,  it  struck  'ome  to  TOFF'S 


'eart,  and  'e  sunk  and  'e  sunk. 
'Elpless,   and   'opeless,    and  reckless. 


[suicide.     Gentlemen  all, 
and  ended  a  drink- sodden 


That  came  of  too  liberal  Christmassv  "  treating."  And  now,  p'r'aps, 

you  '11  go  and  just  keep  up  the  ball ! 
Nevertheless,  notwithstanding,  for  all  that,  at  any  rate,  anyhow, 

Christmas  ain't  folly, 
Despite  bilious  Billy ;  and  most  people  love  it,  and  will  do,  whilst 

jolly  keeps  rhyming  with  holly. 
Laughter's  contagious,  and  tips  do  come  'andy,  and  Cabby's  as  fond 

as  'is  fares  of  good  chef  r  ; 
But  "  nips  "—well,  /  says  pive  their  walue  in  cash,  gents,  and  Cabby 

will  wish  you  a  'Appy  New  Year ! 


ex. 


38 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  25,  1896. 


JANUARY  25,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


39 


"THE  GARDEN  THAT  I  LOVE." 

(New  Version.) 

THE  other  morning;  I  was  digging  up  my  tulips,  and 
trying  to  think  of  a  rhyme  to  Clematis  Jackmannii — 
what  an  unpoetio  name  1 — when  VERONICA  brought  me  a 
large  letter.  Glancing  at  the  envelope,  I  perceived 
that  it  came  from  the  Lord  Chamberlain's  office.  As 
I  was  anxious  to  finish  my  gardening,  I  exclaimed 
"  Litera  scripta  manet,"  and  continued  digging. 

"  You  had  better  open  it,"  said  VERONICA. 

I  did  so.  They  wanted  another  Ode.  How  tiresome ! 
I  was  forced  to  leave  my  tulips,  and,  merely  looking  at 
my  Gaillardia  grandiflora,  Selenium  Pumilum,  JSryn- 
gium  amethystmum,  and  Centaurea  macrocephela,  to 
go  indoors  and  write.  It  was  a  perfect  afternoon,  at 
the  end  of  May,  and  I  should  have  preferred  to  stay  in 
the  garden  that  I  love,  and  think  of  some  unofficial  verses 
to  my  first  Oloire  de  Dijon  rose.  Alas  I  "  Autre  temps, 
autres  vers."  It  is  all  Official  Odes  now.  I  only  wish 
"  the  Poet"  was  not  a  fiction,  and  then  I  could  turn  him 
on  to  the  Lord  Chamberlain's  work.  As  I  sauntered 
sadly  to  the  house,  I  met  LAMIA. 

"  Can  you  come  for  a  walk  P  "  she  asked. 

"  Eheu !  "  I  answered,  speaking  to  her  in  Latin, 
as  I  usually  do,  which  sometimes  appears  odd,  since  she 
does  not  understand  a  word,  " Eheu,non  ego!  Nunc 
temper  scribo.  Non  eat  omne  beerus  et  skittlei." 

"  Another  ode,  I  suppose.  You  don1 1  seem  very  cheerful 
since  you  became  Laureate." 

"An  no  I"  I  murmured.  "I  can  say  with  DANTE, 
'  Lasciate  ogni  speranza,  rot,  cKentrate ! '  I  get  no 
time  for  gardening  now." 

"  Never  mind  the  Ode.  Come  and  take  a  walk  in  the 
orchard,  and  do  try  to  speak  English." 

It  was  a  great  temptation— I  mean  the  walk.  The 
weather  was  perfect ;  my  flowers  were  delightful ;  my 
companion  was  more  BO. 

"Ah,  LAMIA  "  I  exclaimed ;  "  I  use  so  much  English 
in  the  official  odes,  that  talking  Latin  is  a  relief.  I  fear 
I  have  no  time.  '  Tempt  not  a  desperate  man.'  Would 
you  wish  me  to  defy  the  Lord  Chamberlain  ?  " 

I  regret  to  say  that  she  spoke  disrespectfully  of  the 
Lord  Chamberlain.  At  times  she  is  frivolous.  She  said 
"Bother  him  I" 

"  Forgive  me,"  I  ventured  to  remark,  "  if  I  deprecate 
such  language  in  reference  to  my  official  superior.  He 
only  does  his  duty.  I  wish  it  was  not  so  irksome  to  me  to 
do  mine.  Once  I  could  enjoy  otium  cum  dignitate,  and 
now  it  is  all  dignitas  with  no  otium  whatever.  I  begin 
to  hate  poetry." 

"Yes,  but  this  ode  can  wait,"  she  said;  "you  must 
come  for  a  walk  now." 

"  Dear  LAMIA,"  I  exclaimed,  "  odi  et  amo  " 

"  I  can  guess  what  that  means,"  she  interrupted ;  "  odes 
and  something." 

"  Not  exactly,"  I  said, "  I  will  teach  you  the  verb  amo. 
It  is  a  very  pretty  one.  Let  us  begin  now,  as  we  walk 
in  the  orchard." 

At  that  moment  VEBONICA  brought  me  a  telegram, 
from  the  Lord  Chamberlain,  aa  usual.  It  said  "  Please 
send  immediately  poem  ordered  this  morninar."  There 
was  no  help  for  it.  LAMIA  walked  alone.  She  herself 
once  said  "  Love  is  a  literary  invention."  On  this  occa- 
sion, at  least,  literary  invention  was  not  love. 


Street  Serio  (singing).  "En— TEW  WILL  THINK 

DIES  HOV  LONG  AGO- 


HOV  ME  AND  LOVB  ME  HAS  IN 
0-0  I" 


GOOD  OLD  DUTCH! 

(A   Song  a  la   Chevalier,   by  a   Cockney   Cosmo- 
politan, whose  patriotism  is,  perhaps,  none  the 
more   vulgar   for  putting    Queen    Victoria's 
wisdom  into  the  Vernacular.) 
["The   peace    of  South  Africa  and  the  har- 
monious co-operation  of  the  British  and  Dutch 
races,  which  is  necessary  for  its  future  develop- 
ment and  prosperity." — Her  Majesty's  Message  to 
President  Kriiger.'] 

AIK— "  My  Old  Dutch." 
PRESIDENT,  old  pal, 

'Ere 's  to  yer  I    Some  may  doubt  yer, 

Boss  of  that  Trans-va-al, 
Bat  7  likes  some  things  about  yer 
It 's  many  years  since  fust  we  met. 
We've  rapppd  and  scrapped  a  bit— you  bet ! 
Bat  lor  I  rt  We  may  be  'appy  yet," 
Pipes  my  old  gal. 


Chorus. — We  've  knowed  each  other  now  for 
many  a  year. 

And  each  'eld  'tother  axed  too  much, 
But  as  we  're  bound  to  live  in  the  came  land, 

Let 's  shake  'ands  on  it,  Goal  Old  Dutch  I 

That  Trans-va-of 
Ain't  no  Great  Sahairer. 

Let 's  share,  as  pal  with 
Go  fair,  and  I  '11  try  fairer. 
We  ain't  quite  hangels — I  talks  tart, 
At  jawin'  you  're  a  mite  too  smart ; 
Still,  "  Scrappers  may  be  spoons — at  'eart  I 

Sings  my  old  gal. 
Chorus. — We've  got  to  live  as  neighbours, 

yus  for  years : 

Ain't  we  showed  fists  a  mite  too  much  P 
Let  Boers  and  Britishers  go  'and  in  'and, 
Spite  that  real  (crowned)  "  Outlander," 
Good  Old  Dutch  I 


WOMAN. 

"  FAIE  woman  was  made  to  bewitch."— 
A  pleasure,  a  pain,  a  disturber,  a  nurse, 
A  slave  or  a  tyrant,  a  blessing  or  curse ; 

Fair  woman  was  made  to  be — which  P 


ALTERATION  OF  SIGNATTJKE. — An  inquiring 
mind  wrote  to  the  Daily  News  last  Saturday 
asking  when  Plow  Monday  was  P  Is  it  always 
fixed  for  a  certain  date,  which  might  fall  on 
a  Tuesday,  or  is  it  invariably  the  first  Mon- 
day after  Twelfth  Day,  and  so  forth,  as 
almanacks,  like  lawyers,  differ  among  them- 
selves on  this  point.  The  writer  signed  him- 
self ' '  ALFBED  SUTTON."  But  in  this  in  stance 
it  would  have  been  more  appropriate  had  he 
signed  himself  either  "  Only  'Ar.w  SUTTON," 
or  "  ALFHED  Rather  Un-SorroN." 


40 


PUNCH  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  25,  1896. 


MEEK  MIKE  AND  HIS  ARCH  ANGEL. 

NOTICE—  During  the  run  of  the  Reverend  ENRY  HAT/THOR  JONES'S 
ecclesiastical  drama,  "  Orders1'  will  be  admitted  if  proved  as 
having  been  regularly  and  canonicalJy  conferred,  Beadles-in- 
waiting  to  eject  any  brawler. 

THE  cumbersome  title,'  Michael  and  his  Lost  Angel,  suggests  an 


Memorial  window  in  the  Reverend  Michael's  church. 
Irreverent  muddle-headedness,  as  though  ENBY  HATJIHOR  JONES 
had,  with  his  goose-quill,  aimed  at  a  pun  flying,  and  cleverly  missed 
it.  Was  it  the  result  of  a  Michaelmas-day  feafct  ?  Did  the  author 
and  manager-actor  dine  together  on  gODse  day,  and  did  the  latter 
take  in  with  a  relish  all  the  stuffing  provided  by  the  artful  dramatist? 
The  production  of  such  a  play  as  this  must  surely  be  the  remit  of 
some  weird  compact  made  between  Forbes  Robertson- Faust  and 
Jones- Mephistopheles  f  Is  it  a  strange  case  of  hypnotism?  Is 
Trilby- Robertson  under  the  magnetic  influence  of  Svengmli-Jones  f 
Only  on  some  such  hypothesis  is  it  possible  to  account  for  the  ac- 
ceptance and  production  of  so  poor  a  play  as  this.  Undramatic  in  its 
lack  of  action  and  situation  and  its  flimsy  sketchiness  of  character : 
uninteresting  in  its  principal  characters:  and  nonsensical  when 
measured  by  probabilities.  Had  he  devised  a  plot  of  Harlequin  and 
MS  Lost  Columbine,  founded  on  the  Pagliacci,  there  would  have 
been  a  great  chance  for  genuine  pathos ;  but  could  ENRY  HATTTHOR 
have  touched  the  humour  of  it  ? 

The  Reverend  Michael  makes  the  daughter  of  a  humble  depen- 
dent of  his  do  public  penance  in  church  for  the  sin  of  having  "  gone 
wrong  privately.  ENRY  HAUTHOR  says  he  has  authority  for  this ; 


and  I  remember  some  such  case  being  reported.  I  suppose  '*  the 
'  Bishop'  would  have  had  a  word  to  say  to  that."  In  brief,  Parson 
Michael,  having  compelled  this  modern  JANE  SHORE  in  the  person  of 
Rose  Qibbard  (very  prettily  played  by  Miss  SARAH  BROOKE)  to  do 
public  penance,  himself  falls  a  victim  to  the  wiles  of  a  gay  lady, 
Audrie  Lesden}  a  married  woman,  living  in  single  cussed  ness,  and 
presumably  posing  as  a  widow ;  a  most  difficult  part,  very  cleverly 
rendered  by  Miss  MABION  TEERY.  In  fact,  throughout,  the  acting  is 
excellent ;  that  of  Mr.  W.  MACKINTOSH  as  the  tit-for-tatting  father 
of  the  doubly  victimised  girl  being  especially  good. 

The  gay  unattached  lady  pursues  the  innocent  curate,— the  mon- 
daine  she- wolf  determined  to  prey  upon  the  innocent  clerical  lamb, — 
to  a  desert  island,  most  difficult  of  access  and  only  visited  occa- 
sionally by  excursion  steamers,  where  the  reverend  gentleman,  in 
order  to  devote  himself  more  entirely  to  his  parochial  work  at 
nome,  has  built  himself  a  house  containing  two  cosy  bachelor  rooms, 
one  of  which  is  the  breadth,  height,  and  half  the  depth  of  the 
Lyceum  stage ;  and  in  this  snuggery  of  Little  Michael-all- Alone 
suddenly  appears  Mrs.  Audrie  Lesden.  There  is  no  boat  to  take 
her  away :  the  steamers  have  gore.  They  are  alone  together  on  the 
island.  They  are  in  the  situation  of  Helen  Rolleston  and  the 
Reverend  Robert  Penfold  in  READE  and  BOTJCICATJLT'S  novel,  Foul 
Play  :  in  the  situation,  not  for  weeks  or  months,  but  "  for  one  night 
only."  There  are  two  separate  rooms ;  and  even  if  there  were  not, 
the  Reverend  Michael  could  have  said  to  himself,  "  Outside,  Sir, 
outside,"  and  virtuously,  in  accordance  with  saintly  precedents, 
could  have  walked  about  till  daylight  did  appear,  and  then,  with 
his  excellent  antecedents  and  an  irreproachable  reputation  in  his 
favour,  he  had  only  to  return,  tell  his  simple  story,  fetch  the  lady 
back,  and  be  believed  by  all  his  parishioners.  Isn't  that  clear? 
And  it  is  at  this  point  that  I  recalled  the  personality  of  Mr.  PENLEY 
as  the  Reverend  Robert  Spalding  (who  like  the  Reverend  Michael 
"  didn't  like  London  "),  and  wished  that  he  could  have  been  seen  by 
a  delighted  public  in  the  awkward  predicament  of  Mr.  JONES'S 
Curate,  when  (to  quote  the  title  of  an  old  farce  with  a  motive 
similar  to  that  of  the  situation  in  this  play)  Locked  in  with  a  Lady. 

Of  course,  when  the  Reverend  Mike  finds  that  the  lady  is  a 
married  woman,  and  that  her  husband  is  on  the  spot,  he  foresees 
that  he  may  be  landed  in  the  Divorce  Court.  This  is  undoubtedly 
awkward ;  but  it  forms  no  part  of  the  motive  of  the  play.  Then 
he  decides  upon  making  a  public  confession  of  his  guilt,  in  his  own 
pirish  church,  before  a  congregation  assembled  to  witness  the 
ceremony  of  the  "  dedication.  This  ceremony  is  the  occasion  of 
a  display  of  the  most  ornate  ritual  known  in  the  highest  of 
ritualistic  churches,  Mr.  DOLLING'S  not  excepted ;  but  this  simple- 
minded  curate  out-Dollies  DOLLING,  and  "goes  one  better"  by 
inducing  a  Bishop,  presumably  his  own  Bishop,  to  be  present  in  full 
canonicals,  mitred  and  moustachioed,  and  so|iully  prepared  for  what 
the  Reverend  Michael,  in  a  cope,  is  [going  to  do,  that^his  Right 
Reverence  evinces  no  sort  of  surprise  when  the  Reverend'Michael 
iteps  forward, 
makes  public 
confession  of 
his  sin,  throws 
•  >ff  his  cope 
(why  "cope," 
which  is  only 
permitted  in 
state  cere- 
monies to  the 
higher  clergy, 
and  on  certain 
occasions  in  a 
college  cha- 
pel ? ) ,  and 
stalks  out  of 
church,  leav- 
ing the  Right 
Reverend 
Super,  atten- 
dant clergy, 
andMr.SiEAD- 
MAN'S  tuneful 
choir  to  con- 
tinue the  ser- 
vice  as  if 
nothing  out- 
of-the-way 
had  occurred  I 

Then  the 
Reverend 
Michael  visits 
his  uncle,  the 


Tips  for  the  Piece. 

Last  Act:  Reverend  Forbes  Feversham-Robertson  going 
for  a  "  last  buss  to  the  Angel." 


monk,  at  Msjanoinltaly,  and  hither,  too,  Game*  Audrie  Lesden,  widow, 
and  invalided.  Her  manner  of  death  in  her  reverend  lover's  arms  some- 
what resembles  that  of  Frou-Frou.  Her  highly  conscientious  and 


JANUARY  25,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI, 


41 


exceptionally  religious  lover 
allows  this  Frou- Frou  to  die  in 
his  arms  without  "the  benefit  of 
clergy,"  although  his  uncle,  the 
priest,  is  within  call,  and  quite 
ready  for  the  office.  "Take  me 
and  do  with  me  what  you  will,  so 
long  as  I  may  ultimately  rejoin 
her  wherever  she  has  gone,"  are, 
in  effect,  his  last  words,  which 
imply  the  condition  on  which 
alone  he  will  become  a  convert  to 
the  ancient  faith  of  his  fathers— 
and  of  his  uncle.  But  why  not 
join  the  company  of  the  faithful 
in  Wellington  Street,  and  become 
an  "Irvingite"  ? 

That  Mr.  FORBES  ROBEBTSON  is 
as  good  as  he  can  be,  and  far  better 
than  the  part,  goes  without  say- 
ing ;  but  how  he  arrived  at  pro- 
ducing this  play  will,  it  it  proba- 
ble, remain  a  mystery  until  he 
favours  the  world  with  his  remi- 
niscences. THE  OTHER  JOBES. 


TO  KATE. 

IF  you  think  me  shallow,  KATE, 
I  myself  must  vindicate. 
All  to  you  I  '11  allocate ; 
We  will  form  a  syndicate. 

Do  not  then  prevaricate, 
If  to  wed  you  're  ready,  KATE  ; 
You  I  wish  to  marry,  KATE, 
And  my  life  to  dedicate. 


WHICH  ACCOUNTS  FOB.  IT!— A 
"disappointed  contributor"  said 
that  his  editor  was  "  subject  to 
fils  of  rejection." 

THE  HIGHEST  RULING  POWEK 
IN  U.  S  AMEBICA. —  "Precedent 
MUSBOE." 


THE    LAST    DAY    OF    THE    MISTLETOE. 

ADOLPHUS  AND  DOILY  CONFIDE  TO  EACH  OTHER  THEIR  OPINION  AS 
TO  "THE  AGE  OF  LOVE." 


RATTLIN',  ROARIN'  WILLIE. 

(New  Version.  Communicated  from 
the  Shades  "by  that  true  British 
Patriot,  if  fervent  Scots  poet, 
Robbie  Burns. ) 

0,  BATTLIN',  roarin'  WILLIE, 

Do  pray  keep  on  your  hair  I 
An'  no  wi'  matters  meddle 

Which  are  your  Grandma's  care. 
Ye  're  fain  to  play  first  fiddle, 

Whertyer  you  may  be ; 
Bat  rattlin',  roarin'  WILLIE, 

That's  simply  fiddlededeel 

0  WILLIE,  lay  down  your  fiddle, 

0  drop  your  fiddle  sae  fine ! 
Or  else  reserve  that  fiddle 

For  watches  by  the  Rhine  I 
Unless  you  drop  that  fiddle 

The  warl'  may  deem  ye  mad, 
For  mony  a  rantin'  day,  WILLIE, 

Your  fiddle  and  you  hae  had ! 

As  I  cam  down  the  Solent, 

1  cannily  keekit  ben — 
Rattlin',  roarin'  WILLIE, 

Was  sitting  at  our  board  'en. 
Sitting  at  BULL'S  board  'en 

Amang  princely  companie ; 
0  rattlin',  roarin'  WILLIE 

Your  welcome  was  fair  an'  free! 

0  rattlin',  roaiin'  WILLLE, 

Is  your  return  as  fair  If 
0  drop  that  noisy  fiddle, 

An'  buy  some  other  ware ! 
But  put  by  that  first  fiddle 

la  Uncle's  companie, 
And  rattlin',  roarin'  WILLIE, 

Right  welcome  still  ye  '11  be  I 


Alas! 
SHE  was  a  cruel,  heartless  lass, 

As  ever  man  could  find ; 
Yet  I  suppose  that  she  cooldpass 

To  all  as  woman  kind. 


P^    A  KEVIEW  OF  LITEEAEY  FORCES. 

_AT  the  commencement  of  the  year  the  Baron,  having  ordered  out 
his  Literary  Forces  and  reviewed  his  noble  shelves,  issues  this  General 
Order: — "1  am  struck  with  admiration  for  the  development  of  what  I 
may  term  the  utility  business  in  the  publishing,  not  only  of  no\elp,  but 
of  all  kinds  of  valuable  literature.  1  have  passed  in  review  a  splendid 
force  of  the  'Charles  Kiugsley's  Own,'  organised  and  commanded 
by  General  MACMILLAN  •  while  under  General  WABD,  Colonel  LOCK, 
and  other  distinguished  officers  appears  a  regiment,  not  the  less 
valuable  because  showy,  of  '  Henry  Kingsley's  Light  Horse.'  The 
'  True  Blues,  or  Charlotte  Yonge  Forces,'  make  a  fine  display  in  the 
service  of  the  MACMILLAN  Company.  The  '  William  Black  Watch ' 
march  past  with  a  breezy  step  to  the  tune  of  '  Far  Lochaber,'  and 
wearing  their  Three  Feathers,  with  One  White  One.  They  are  mar- 
si  ailed  in  order  by  Lieut. -Col.  SIMPSON  Low,  who  personally  leads 
tlat  fine  body  of  Horse  Marine  s,  the  '  Clark  Russell  Rovers.'  But  of 
all  the  regiments  of  volumes  mi  at  serviceable  for  campaigning  com- 
mend me,"  quoth  the  Baron,  "to  the  Picked  'Pocket  Volume 
Regiments.'  They  form  a  email,  compact  army  in  themselves,  excel- 
lently officered,  ready  for  outpost,  skirmishing,  eharpshooting,  and 
any  handy  duties  which  heavier-weighted  volumes  could  not  perform. 
At  the  head,  in  deep  red,  with  gold  ornamentation  on  their  backs,  and 
light  blue  silken  bookmarkers  for  colours,  bearing  proudly  the  motto 
'  Non  SansDroictJ  c  jmes  the ' Temple Shakspeare Regiment' ;  perfect 
tjpe  ;  excellent  notes  ;  ready  to  travel  anywhere  ;  always  handy  by 
road,  river,  or  rail,  never  in  the  way,  brought  into  the  field  of  prac- 
tical itinerary  study  by  Colonel  DENT  of  Aldine  House,  with  invalu- 
able texted  weapons  from  the  Cantabrigian  armouries  of  Messrs. 
MACMILIAN  and  ALDIS  WEIGHT.  Let  the  attention  of  all  who  love 
their  SBAKSPEABE  handy,  and  who  are  contented  to  travel  about  with 
one  play  at  a  time,  turn  their  attention  to  this  most  useful  series. 

"  Then  march  along,  in  a  long  line,  the  '  Dark  Blue  Guards,'  or 
'  Literary  Household  Brigade,'  started  by  CASSELL  &  Co.,  a  gallant 
corps  that  admits  volunteers  from  all  regions  of  literature  into  its 
ranks,  so  that  their  range  of  marksmanryis  world-wide,  co-extensive 
with  British  Rule,  and  therefore  might  well  bear  the  title  of  '  The 
Windsor  Cassell  Series.'  These  also  are  argumenta  ad  pocketa,  and 


within  an  eighth  of  an  inch  as  pocketable  as  the  Shakspearian  Regi- 
ment aforesaid.  And  what  names  are  to  be  foutd  on  these  regi- 
mental lists?  MACAULAT,  DICKENS,  SILVIO  PELLICO,  LA  MOTTE 
FOTJQUE,  PLUTABCH,  BOCCACCIO,  WASHINGTON  IRVING,  MARCO  POLO 
(with,  of  course,  direc  ions  how  to  play  it),  STEELE,  and  ADDISON. 
Then  FRANKLIN,  SWIFT,  with  BUNYAN  (enough  to  make  SWIFT 
limp),  XENOPHON,  and  BACON  (a  real  literary  dish,  as  a  treat),  after 
which  ask  for  MORE  (Sir  THOMAS),  and  see  that  you  get  it.  '  There 's 
a  picture  for  you ! '  And  the  price  sixpence  each  in  cloth ;  three- 
penc3  in  paper;  which,  with  the  usual  discount  for  cash,  means 
thirty  volumes  for  half  a  sovereign ;  and  of  such  a  whole  sovereign 
reigning  ovtr  Utopia  might  be  proud.  All  these  are  at  the  command 
of  General  Public,  on  the  March  of  Intellect  to  join  forces  with 
General  Knowledge.  They  defile  pest,  salute,  and  are  saluted  in 
torn  most  heartily  by  "F.  M.  THE  BARON." 

ARCHAEOLOGICAL  MEM. — Great  discoveries  are  coming  to  light  as 
regards  the  Chapel  9f  the  Rolls.  No  doubt  the  Buttresses  will  soon 
be  found.  Its  architectural  construction  would  have  been  imperfect 
without  these,  which  would  have  constituted  it  The  Rolls  and 
Butteresses  Chapel.  Here  a  full  dole  of  rolls  and  butter  was  given 
to  every  unbreakfasted  applicant.  In  Wagge's  Ancient  History, 
advertised  as  "  Jest  out,"  it  is  recorded  how  there  was  '  one  Chap  ill 
of  the  Hot  Rolls  and  Butteresses ;  and  how  after  a  '  full  dole  he 
became  '  dole-ful.' " 

CHANCE  OF  A  NOVELTY  KOT  TO  BE  LOST. — From  a  recent  number 
of  the  Manchester  Guardian  we  extract  this  advertisement— 

AKE  You  Giving  a  Party  ?— Gentleman,  accomplished  musician,  with  un- 
exceptionable references,  accepts  invitations  to  professionally  attend 
Evening  Parties  or  Entertainments,  to  accompany  soup,  play  dance  music  or 
solos,  sing  refined  humorous  songs  a.  la  Grossmith,  &c. — Address,  &c. 

"  An  accomplished  musician  "  to  "  accompany  soup "  1  There's  a 
treat!  What 's  the  tone  ?  What 's  the  instrument  f 


TlTIE    FOR    THE     COLONIAL    SECRETARY    WHEN    RAISED    TO    THE 

PEERAGE. — "Lord  JOE-HANNESBURG." 


42 


Oft  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  25,  1896 


LOOK    BEFORE    YOU    LEAP. 


Fair  (and  immensely  successful)  Novelist.  "AND  NOW  THAT  YOU  'vE  BOUGHT  MY  NEW  NOVEL,  MR.  BRADALL,  AND  WE'VE  SIGNED 
THB  AGREEMENT,  MAY  I  ASK  IF  IT  's  TBUB  THAT  YOU  DON'T  ALLOW  YOUR  WIFE  AND  DAUGHTERS  TO  READ  MY  BOOK*  ?    I  WAS  TOLD 

80   LAST  NIGHT." 

Eminent  Publisher.  "A— A — A — MY  DEAR  YOUNG  LADY — A— YOUR  ADMIRABLY  EXPRESSED  BUT  EXTREMELY  ADVANCED  VIBWS  ON 

THE — A — THE  SXX  QUESTION,    DON*T  YOU  KNOW — A — RENDER  IT   80MBWHAT   INEXPEDIENT  FOR  ME  TO — A — TO — A MY   DAUGHTERS, 

THOUGH   MARRIED,    ARE  STILL  YOUNG.        MY   WlFE   IS  NO   LONGER   SO — A — BUT    ALTOGETHER,    AS  THE    FATHER  OF  A   FAMILY,    YO(T  KNOW 
— A — I   THIBK  THAT " 

Fair  Novelist.  "You  "RE  QUITE  RIGHT.    I  UNDERSTAND,  AND  AM  VERY  SORRY  AND  ASHAMED  1     BUT  I  CAN  ASSURE  YOU  THERE  's 

NOT  A  LINE  IN  THE   BOOK  YOU  *VE  JUST  BOUGHT  THAT  MIGHTN'T  BE   READ   BY  A   QlRL  OF  FlFTSSlf!" 

[Hearing  this,  Eminent  Publisher  pulls  such  a  long  face  that  we  've  been  obliged  to  turn  his  head  the  other  way. 


A  JOURNALISTIC  JUBILEE. 

[On  the  21st  inst.  the  Daily  Newt  completed  its 
fiftieth  year,  celebrating  the  occasion  of  this 
anniversary  by  the  issue  of  an  extremely  interest- 
ing Jubilee  Number.] 

".LIBEBAL  Progress  throughout  the  world  I " 
Fine  theme  for  a  fifty  years'  retrospect, 

verily  I 

DICKENS  the  Daily  Newt  flag  first  unfurled, 
To-day,   under   KOBINSON,  floating  light 

merrily. 

Long  may  it  wave  I    Bright  spirits  and  brave, 
Since  genial  "Boz,"  have  fought  under 

that  banner. 

Green  hang  the  laurels  o'er  many  a  grave 
Of  friends  who  have  fallen.    In   time- 
honoured  manner 

To  all  such  loved  memories  silently  drink, 

But  brim  a  brisk  oup,  with  a  cheer,  to  the 

living  I  [brink. 

Punch  fills  his  own  beaker  to  bubble-crowned 

His  toast  of  "Long  Life  to   the  Daily 

News  !  "  giving. 

He,  too,  had  his  Jubilee, — not  long  ago, — 
And  knows  the  mixed  feelings,  triumphant 

and  tender, 
Of  those  who  look  back,  with  a  choke  and  a 

glow, 

O'er  all  that  a  fifty  years'  service  can  render 
To  Freedom  and  Progress,  by  wisdom  or  wit ; 
For  liberal  souls  blend  gooa  sense  with  gay 
laughter ; 


And  follies  by  eloquence  missed  are  hard  hit, 
Sometimes,  by  the  shaft  of  keen  mirth  that 

flies  after. 

To  wield  blade  and  bauble  is  given  to  some, 
As  proven  by  pens  known  to  both  of  our 

pages. 

Political  nous  has  no  need  to  look  glum,' 
And  motley  may  sometimes  be  stooped  to 

by  sages. 

From  DICKENS  to  LUCY,  my  dear  Daily  Newt, 

Your   columns   of    this    furnish   witness 

perennial.  [Muse 

Punch  drinks  to  your  Jubilee  now  !    May  his 

Have  as  pleasant  a  theme  when  you  touch 

the  Centennial  I 


QUERY. — A  livery-stable  keeper  advertises: 
"^During  the  summer  months  the  Coachmen 
wear  Boots  and  Jireeches,  for  which  one 
shitting  extra  is  charged."  Highly  respect- 
able, as  is  also  the  charge.  But  are  not  these 
more  necessary  in  winter  ?  If  they  wear  boots 
and  breeches  in  summer  only,  what  do  they 
do  without  them  in  winter  f 

AH  ECHO. 

His  Ideal  (at  she  dismisses  him).  "No  I  Go  I" 
He  (as  he  reaches  the  door).  "  No  Go  I " 

STILL  TO  BE  ASKED.  —  About  Dr.  JIM'S 
march  we  know  something,  but  not  all.  We 
can  trace  his  general  line  of  country,  but 
how  about  the  Rhodes  P 


THE  LAW  AND  THE  LAUNDRY. 

["I  should  not  be  ashamed  of  being  called  a 
laundress's  eon,  if  it  were  true,  as  I  have  known 
very  many  laundresses  in  my  time."  — 


YES,  bound  together  by  one  rope 

The  two  professions  march  ; 
Some  Judges  know  the  use  of  "  soap," 

And  more  the  use  of  "  starch." 

And  when  a  Counsel,  not  too  cute, 

Gets  facts  into  a  tangle, 
Their  Lordships  know,  beyond  dispute, 

That  muddler  how  to  "mangle." 
The  useful  laundress  much  'twould  grieve 

If  shirts  were  in  arrears  ; 
While  suits  entire  our  Judges  leave 

To  be  "  hung  up"  for  years. 
Then  is  there  not  a  host  of  "  stuffs  " 

Would,  were  it  no  disgrace, 
Prefer  the  "  getting  up"  of  cuffs 

To  getting  up  a  case  ? 
But—  this  remark  the  Bench  can  quath 

Should  it  be  judged  as  sland'ry,  — 
If  there  's  one  thing  that  "  will  not  wash," 

'Tis  pride  based  on  the  laundry. 


LAPSUS  CALAMI.— The  Poet-Laureate  dis- 
avows the  statement,  erroneously  attributed 
to  him,  that  he  is  about  to  relinquish  the  pen 
for  the  sword  on  being  gazetted  to  the  QUEEN'S 
Bays. 


w 


£•£§ 


W 


•u  3  4 

lo| 


t> 
o 

H 


'T  8- 

S  £« 


B^fg      O 

§  £  H  "-      ^> 
"•  S  s!  t»      ^-^ 

•  sii  £     (Tj 

:  ? s «  H 

»  2  |   fed     (— ^ 

g- 1  55   c^        ^j 

si*    S    •"^ 

•^1    I 
SB-   I: 

O    So*  |-J 

*   rt-  ^° 

C   S"  "~" 

£•5.      W 

s>  p         p^< 
g.wj         CC 

?§       O 


^B  M 

!  c  a.  ["0 

tcr'g  >- 

'  err  02 


JANUARY  25,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


45 


THANKS 
BB  ABLE  TO 
STRENGTH:  1 


THE    NEW    PHOTOGRAPHIC    DISCOVERY. 

TO  THB  DISCOVERT  OF  PfiOFZSSOR  R6NTGEN,    THE  GERMAN  EMPEROR  WILL  NOW 
OBTAIN  AN  EXACT   PHOTOGRAPH    OF  A    "BACKBONE"   OF   UNSUSPECIED  SIZS  AND 


THE  NEW  PHOTOGRAPHY. 

[Professor  RONTGBN,  of  "Wurzburg,  has  dis- 
covered how  to  photograph  through  a  person's 
body,  giving  a  picture  only  of  the  bones.] 

0,  RONTGEN,  then  the  news  is  true, 
And  not  a  trick  of  idle  rumour, 

That  bids  us  each  beware  of  you, 
And  of  your  grim  and  graveyard  humour. 

"We  do  not  want,  like  Dr.  SwiFr, 
To  take  our  flesh  of!  and  to  pose  in 

Our  bones,  or  show  each  little  rift 
And  joint  for  you  to  poke  your  nose  in. 

We  only  crave  to  contemplate 
Each  other's  usual  full-dress  photo ; 

Your  worse  than  "  altogether  "  state 
Of  portraiture  we  bar  in  toto  ! 

The  fondest  swain  would  scarcely  prize 
A  picture  of  his  lady's  framework ; 

To  gaze  on  this  with  yearning  eyes 
Would  probably  be  voted  tame  work  I 

No.  keep  them  for  your  epitaph, 
These  tombstone- souvenirs  unpleasant; 

Or  go  away  and  photograph 
Mahatmas,  spooks,  and  Mrs.  B-S-NT  ! 


The  Cry  of  a  Hungry  Biped. 

["  On  New  Tear's  Day  a  number  of  ladies  and 
gentlemen  went  to  Acton,  where  the  horses  and 
donkeys  at  the  Home  of  Rest  where  regaled  with 
a  dinner  of  carrots,  bread,  apples,  and  sugar."] 

FOE  four-legg'd  beasts  there 's  lots  of  stuff, 

But  not  for  this  barbarian. 
Oh !  would  that  I  were  ass  enough, 

To  be  a  Vegetarian. 


"  INQUIRER  "  wishes  to  know  if  the  war- 
song  of  the  troops  under  the  command  of  Dr. 
JAMESON  is  "Jimmy  on  the  t  shoot,'  Soys!"? 


CONDENSED  CONFIDENCE. 

(A  Let'erjor  Ladies,) 

MY  DEAR  ETHEIINDA, — "We  have  been  quite  gay  this  week.  Aunt 
JEMIMA  gave  a  Cinderella  on  Tuesday,  and  all  our  friends  assembled 
in  great  force.  There  were  some  novel  and  becoming  dresses.  I 
especially  noticed  a  sweet  harmony  in  yellow  and  green  chiffon,  the 
skirt  being  caught  up  with  bunches  of  real  Mandarin  oranges.  The 
wearer  was  a  young  Countess,  whose  portrait  was  rejected  at  the 
Academy  the  year  before  last.  A  pretty,  sallow  girl,  with  a  nose 
rather  too  prononce,  was  gowned  in  brick-dust  bigogne,  the  ceinture 
of  Marie  Therese  blue,  with  a  short  fluted  basque  of  gamboge.  She 
wore  Spanish  chestnuts  in  the  prickly  pod  arranged  as  a  bouquet,  and 
the  ensemble  was  quite  too  perfect.  Very  striking,  too,  was  a 
costume  of  toad-brown  velvet,  the  broad  eveque  empire  corsage 
terminating  with  a  sharp  grand  monarque  point,  fastening  on  the 
right  side  with  a  cluster  of  marigolds,  dahlias,  and  forget-me-nots. 

On  "Wednesday  EBMYNTRUDE  and  I  went  to  Lady  CALLIPER'S  ball. 
A  Russian  Princess  created  quite  a  sensation  by  appearing  in  a  black 
satin  cosaque,  embroidered  in  gold,  and  ornamented  with  malachite 
chains.  1  confess  that  the  arrangement  seemed  to  me  somewhat 
outre,  and  not  to  be  compared  to  the  Duchess  of  BRIGHTON'S  creation 
of  peat-coloured  Patagonian  tulle  cut  d  la  belle  Margot,  with  revert 
en  cascade  of  Honiton  lace  and  endless  wreaths  of  bottle-green 
carnations.  On  Thursday  Uncle  NOLL  took  us  to  the  New  Gallery, 
where  I  came  across  two  very  original  toques,  one  being  formed  of 
the  skin  of  a  Tweed  salmon  with  the  scales  perfectly  preserved,  the 
entourage  being  artificial  flies ;  the  other  constructed  of  marmoset  fur 
with  the  head  in  front  en  lion,  the  eyes  being  emeralds,  while  the 
tail  of  the  monkey  was  brought  over  the  left  shoulder  a  I'lmperatrice. 
and  terminated  with  a  wee  crystal  watch.  Uncle  NOLL  made  us  feel 
very  uncomfortable  by  repeatedly  asking  where  the  show  of  Spanish 
liquorice  could  be  found. 

On  Friday  we  had  to  get  some  presents  for  ANGELINA'S  birthday, 

i  at  CUTPUBSE  AND  DrvAL's  I  found  such  a  delightful  blotting- 
hopk,  made  of  Thibet  beech — a  rich  red  wood,  very  like  mahogany. 
Ine  charm  of  the  thing  is  that,  directly  the  book  is  opened,  out 
jumps  a  grand  lama  (the  iakstand)  with  a  penholder  in  his  mouth, 
ready  for  use.  EHMYNTBUDE  bought  a  silver-guilt  tortoise,  which, 
on  pressing  a  spring,  puts  out  its  head,  and  becomes  a  toast-rack. 


CHAB.LEY  asked  me  to  get  him  a  gift  as  well  (the  poor  fellow  is 
working  night  and  day  on  a  starvation  salary  at  the  Colonial  Office) ; 
eo  we  went  to  ROLLICK  AND  RASPEE'S,  where,  after  giving  a  great 
deal  of  trouble  to  the  very  gentlemanlike  young  men  who  serve,  we 
selected  a  very  useful  article— an  umbrella,  with  a  handle  holding  a 
knife,  fork,  spoon,  and  toothpick,  all  in  silver.  One  of  the  young 
men  who  waited  on  us  is  s>  like  the  Duke  of  PIMLICO,  but  perhaps 
more  distingue.  Naughty  E.  says,  "  Noblesse  oblige.'" 

Last  night  we  had  a  box  at  the  Adelphi,  and  thought  that 
Mr.  TJERRISS,  in  his  kilt,  was  very  like  his  daughter  ELLALINE,  whose 
photograph  I  sent  you  as  a  Coristmas  card.  We  could  not  help 
clapping  our  hands  at  the  patriotic  speeches,  just  to  show  how  we 
hated  the  Boers,  though,  to  be  sure,  the  play  is  all  about  Egypt. 
Mais,  ma  mie  la  patrie  ton 'fours  la  patrie.  Here  is  a  good  recipe  for 
luncheon.  Take  half  a  dozen  eggs,  a  pot  of  caviare,  and  the  msides 
of  six  Spanish  onions.  Let  them  simmer  together  for  four  hours. 
Then  add  an  ounce  of  cinnamon,  two  pickled  ^  walnuts,  and  three 
nutmegs.  Meantime  stew  a  bladebone  of  beef  with  a  pound  of  Peri- 
goid  truffles  and  a  bottle  of  champagne.  Mingle  the  contents  of 
the  two  casseroles  together,  boil,  and  serve  with  slices  of  French 
bread  en  branche.  You  will  find  this  an  economical  and  appreciated 
plat. 

We  all  hope  that  this  dreadful  disagreement  with  the  EMPEROB. 
will  not  prevent  our  going  to  Homborg  this  year.  Mais  Dieu 

tJttnneo  I  T7ira»    Aoaf  "V/vnv  lmrinn>  f!nfi«in.  KADJ. 


dispose  ! 


Ever,  dear, 


Your  loving  Cousin, 


A  Birthday  Card. 

To  William  II.,  German  Emperor,  King  of  Prussia;  born,  January  27, 1859. 

ALL  hail  to  thee,  great  Kaiser  King  I 

Away  with  melancholy  I 
Time  flies  with  telegraphic  wing, 

And  sometimes,  too,  does  Folly. 


INOPPORTUNE  PUBLICATION. — Sir. — I  see  an  advertisement  of 
"Funk  and  Wagnalfs  Standard  Dictionary  of  the  English  Lan- 
guage." Surely,  Sir,  never  at  any  time,  but  least  of  all  just  now, 
should  there  be  found  in  our  vocabulary  any  such  word  as  "  Funk  ? 

Yours,  JINGO  DE  JINGO. 


46 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  25,  1896. 


THE    RIVIERA. 


SJie.    "I   WONDER  WHAT   MAKBS  THE   MKDITEKRANEAN  1OOK   8O   BLOT?" 

He.  "You  'D  LOOK  BLUB  IF  YOU  HAD  TO  WASH  THE  SHORES  or  ITALY  I " 


A  LAY  OF  THE  UNION  JACK. 

(By  a  Patriotic  Cockney.) 

THOUGH  I  feel  less  at  home  on  the  bounding 

wave 

Than  1  do  on  the  firm  dry  land, 
1  can  spin  you  a  yarn  of  a  right  good  craft 
That  is  true-British  owned  and  manned. 
The  winds  may  blow,  and  the  storms  may 

beat, 

And  the  hurricanes  rage  and  roar, 
But  "the  ship  I  love"  on  her  course  will 

hold 
With  the  Union  Jack  at  the  fore. 

Fair  weather  or  foul,  she  ploughs  along, 

Leaving  far  astern  the  strand, 
And  many  a  towering  sister  bark 

We  pass  on  the  starboard  hand. 
And,  Westward  ho !  as  we  bear  away, 

I  can  count  stout  ships  galore, 
Abeam,  in  our  wake,  and  ahead,  that  fly 

The  Union  Jack  at  the  fore. 


And  the  sight  of  the  flag  that  has  swept  the 
seas, 

Nor  ever  has  known  disgrace, 
Makes  even  a  landlubber's  bosom  swell 

With  the  pride  of  his  English  race. 
At  that  gallant  sight  in  my  landsman's  heart 

I  rejoice— and  rejoioe  still  more 
That  I  'm  only  aboard  of  a  road-car  'bus, 

With  the  Union  Jack  at  the  fore  I 


VIVE  L'EMPEKBUB.— It  is  a  lopeful  sign 
in  these  times  of  European  trouble  to  know 
that  our  old  and  esteemed  friend  NAPOLEON 
BOLTONPABTY  has  been  "  appointed  to  the 
vacant  Taxing  Mastership."  He  will  be  any- 
thing but  a  "vacant"  taxing  master.  For 
this  motive  he  quits  the  firm  of  BOLTON  AND 
MOTE  ;  sa  the  castle  of  business  in  which  he 
was  one  of  the  towers  of  strength  is  still  pro- 
tected by  the  MOTE.  May  the  new  Taxing 
Master  not  overtax  his  strength!  And  so 
Mote  it  be! 


DICKENS  UP  TO  DATE; 

Or,  Fiction  repeats  itself. 

IT  was  four  in  the  afternoon,  and  Mrs 
WITITTEULY  reclined,  according  to  custom,  or 
the  drawing-room  sofa,  while  KATE  read  alone 
the  first  part  of  a  romantic  novel  in  the  newest 
fashionable  quarterly,  entitled  The  Savoy, 
which  ALPHONSE  the  doubtful  had  procured 
from  the  library  that  very  morning.  .  .  , 
KATE  read  on : — 

"  Before  a  toilet  that  shone  like  the  Altar  oj 
Notre  Dame  des  Victoires,  Helen  was  seatec 
in  a  little  dressing-gown  of  black  and  helio- 
trope. The  coiffeur  Cosm/S  was  caring  for  hei 
scented  chevelure,  and  with  tiny  silver  tongs, 
warm  from  the  caresses  of  the  flame,  madt 
delicious  intelligent  curls,  that  fell  as  lightly 
as  a  breath  about  her  forehead  and  over  hei 
eyebrows,  and  clustered  like  tendrils  rounc 
her  neck.  Her  three  favourite  girls,  Pappe- 
larde,  Slanchemains  and  Loreyne,  wattec 
immediately  upon  her  with  perfume  ant 
powder  in  delicate  flagons  ana  frail  casso- 
lettes, and  held  in  porcelain  jars  the  ravishing 
paints  prepared  by  Chdteline  for  those  cheekt 
and  lips  that  had  grown  a  little  pale  wit) 
anguish  of  exile.  .  .  .  Millamant  held  a  sligh\ 
tray  of  slippers,  Minette  some  tender  gloves, 
La  Popeliniere — mistress  of  the  robes — wot 
ready  with  a  frock  of  yellow  and  yellow,  Lt 
Zambinella  bore  the  jewels,  Florizel  sorm 
flowers,  Amadour  a  box  of  various  pins,  ant 
Vadius  a  box  of  sweets. .  .  . 

" '  Cosme,'  said  Helen,  *  you  have  beet 
quite  sweet  and  quite  brilliant,  you  have  sur- 
passed yourself  to-night.' 

"  '  Madame  flatters  me,'  replied  the  antiqw 
old  thing,  with  a  girlish  giggle  under  his  blacl 
satin  mask.  .  .  . 

' '  Helen  slipped  away  the  dressing-gown,  rost 
before  the  mirror  in  a  flutter  of  frilled  things, 
and  called  Millamant  to  bring  her  the  slippers, 

"  The  tray  was  freighted  with  the  most  ex- 
quint e  and  shapely  pantoufles,  sufficient  U 
make  Cluny  a  place  of  naught.  There  wen 
shoes  of  grey  and  black  and  brown  suede,  oj 
white  tilk  and  rose  satin,  and  velvet  ana 
sarcenet ;  there  were  some  of  seagreen  sewn 
with  cherry  blossoms,  some  of  red  with  willov. 
branches^  and  some  of  grey  with  bright- 
winged  birds.  There  were  heels  of  silver,  oj 
ivory,  and  of  gilt ;  there  were  buttons  sc 
beautiful  that  the  buttonholes  might  have  nc 
pleasure  till  they  closed  upon  them ;  then 
were  soles  of  delicate  leathers  scented  with 
marSchale,  and  linings  of  soft  stvffs  scented 
with  the  juice  of  July  flowers.  Sut  Helen, 
finding  none  of  them  to  her  mind,  called  for  a 
discarded  pair  of  blood-red  maroquin,  dia- 
pered with  pearls.  These  looked  very  dis- 
tinguished over  her  white  silk  stockings. 

"Meantime,  La  Popeliniere  stepped  for- 
ward with  the  frock. 

" '  I  shan't  wear  one  to-night,'  said  Helen. 
Then  she  slipped  on  her  gloves." 

"Oh,  charming  I"  interrupted  KATE'S 
patroness,  who  was  sometimes  taken  literary. 
' '  Poetic,  really.  Read  that  description  again, 

Miss  NlCKLEBY." 

KATE  complied. 

"  Sweet,  indeed  1 "  said  Mrs.  WITITTEBLY, 
with  a  sigh.  "  So  voluptuous,  is  it  not  F  So 
softP" 

"  Yes,  I  think  it  is,"  replied  KATE,  gently ; 

very  soft." 

"Close  the  book,  Miss  NICKLEBY,"  said 
Mrs.  WITITTEBLY.  "I  can  hear  nothing 
more  to-day.  I  should  be  sorry  to  disturb 
the  impression  of  that  sweet  description. 
Close  the  book." 

Kate  complied,  not  unwillingly. 

Nicholas  Nickleby,  Chap.  XXVIIL 
(mutatis  mutandis). 


JANUARY  25,  1896. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


47 


THINGS    ARE   NOT   ALWAYS   WHAT  THEY   SEEM. 


His  Hmwwr.   "  H'M  I    WILL  YOU  KINDLY  BAISE  YOUR  VIIL,     I 

FIND   IT  EXTREMELY  DIFFICULT  TO— H*M — HEAR  ANYONE  DISTINCTLY 
WITH  TH08K  THICK   VEILS " 


'BE — EK—  TBAlfK  YOV!      SILENCE  I      I  WILL  NOT  HAVE  THIS 
COUBT  TURNED  INTO  A  PLACE  OF  AMUSEMENT  I  " 


ROUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

STRAINED  RELATIONS  IN  THB  KENNEL. 

I  AH  beginning  to  experience  some  of  the  uncomfortable  results  of 
educating  my  dogs  up  to  the  Spectator  standard,  and,  in  order  that 
>thers  may  take  warning  ere  it  is  too  late,  I  propose  to  set  down 
i  brief  history  of  what  has  happened  during  the  past  week  amongst 
he  highly-intelligent  dogs  who  have  kindly  agreed  to  share  with  me 
ay  humble  dwelling,  and  to  leave  for  my  use  one  or  two  of  the  most 
mcotn  for  table  chairs  to  be  found  in  it.  I  need  scarcely  say  that  the 
ofas  and  armchairs  have  long  ago  been  recognised  as  the  exclusive 
•roperty  of  the  dogs.  

OF  course,  everybody  knows  that  if  dogs  are  only  allowed  to  live 

)ng  enough  in  the  society  of  human  beintrs,  they  eventually  reach 

ach  a  high  pitch  of  intelligence  that  they  begin  to  feel  the  want  of 

peeoh.    The  t  cope  of  their  feelings,  their  desires,  and  their  thoughts 

eoomes  enlarged,  and  they  yearn  for  some  more  accurate  medium  of 

xpression  than  is  afforded  by  barking,  tail-wagging,  or  scratching 

t  a  door,  eloquent  as  these  may  sometimes  be  made.    (Has  anybody, 

7  the  way,  ever  owned  a  dog  who  did  not  constantly  post  himself  on 

ie  wrong  side  of  a  door  ?    A  considerable  part  of  my  life  is  spent  in 

etting  up  and  opening  doors  for  dogs.    No  matter  how  carefully  I 

ay  inveigle  the  dogs  into  a  room,  the  result  is  always  the  same. 

i  the  space  of  five  minutes  after  I  have  sat  down  and  composed 

yself  every  dog  will,  by  some  magic  means,  have  vanished,  and  a 

inous  scratching  or  a  melancholy  whining  will  announce  that  they 

1  wish  to  come  back  again.    So  when  1  have  left  the  house  with 

>parently  the  whole  pack,  a  few  seconds  afterwards  the  vision  of 

ro  or  three  excited  dog-faces  at  the  garden- window,  and  a  series  of 

omsed  ululations  will  prove  to  me  that  some  of  them  must  have 

n  back  at  the  last  moment— probably  to  fetch  whatever  is  the  canine 

mvalent  of  a  handkerchief  or  a  matchbox.    This,  however,  as  I 

ve  said,  is  by  the  way.) 

DOGS,  then,  understanding  more  or  less  what  is  said  to  them,  and 
Jiognmng  in  speech  the  best  method  of  expression,  begin,  after  a 
« ie,  to  want  to  be  able  to  speak.  Fortunately  I  have  managed,  to 

ae  extent,  as  I  explained  some  weeks  ago,  to  gratify  this  wish  by 

'MIS of  the  Canine  Cogitatograph,  or  thought-register,  adapted  to 

«  all  breeds  and  sizes.    A  curious  indirect  result  of  this  oon- 

t ranee  has  been,    however,    that  my  [dogs,  as  the   sequel  will 


show,  are  able  not  only  to  communicate  their  thoughts  to  me, 
but  also  to  understand  much  more  plainly  all  that  I  say,  and  to 
converse  with  one  another  with  far  greater  force  and  variety  than 
before.  They  are,  in  fact,  becoming  too  human,  and  I  am  afraid 
I  shall  have  to  part  with  them.  When  I  acquired  them  I  looked  for 
the  companionship  of  real  dogs,  not  of  human  beings  disguised  with 
four  legs,  tails,  and  fur  coats.  _ 

I  MUST  explain  again  that  my  pack  numbers  five.  There  is 
Nellie,  the  deerhound,  whose  virtues  I  need  not  further  describe,  as 
she  plays  no  part  in  the  story  I  am  about  to  tell.  Then  there  are 
Don  and  Itoy,  the  two  St.  Bernards,  aged  about  twenty  months. 
Don  is  an  enormous  animal,  not  yet  fully  developed,  but  weighing 
already  eleven  stone,  and  measuring  very  close  on  thirty-three 
inches  at  the  shoulder.  He  is  the  kindest  and  best-tempered  dog  in 
the  whole  world,  one  huge  lump  of  affectionate  good  nature.  His 
brother  Roy  is  a  smaller,  but  perhaps  a  handsomer  dog.  His  head 
is  broader,  his  nose  shorter,  his  body  more  compact,  and  his  limbs, 
on  the  whole,  better  knit  together.  He  is  a  dog  of  immense  strength, 
and  of  a  wild,  teasing,  romping  disposition,  rather  shy  with  strangers, 
but  very  affectionate  with  nis  intimates.  I  think  the  soul  of  some 
high-spirited,  clever,  mischievous  undergraduate  has  found  its  incar- 
nation in  Roy.  There  are  deep  wrinkles  on  his  forehead  and  over 
his  eyes  that  give  his  face  a  peculiar  whimsical  and  pathetic  expres- 
sion. He  has  a  great  admiration  and  liking  for  the  butcher,  but, 
oddly  enough,  pursues  the  butcher's  cart  up  the  lane  with  a  relent- 
less animosity  which  is  apt  to  terrify  quiet  people  who  meet  him  on 
one  of  these  razzias.  Both  these  dogs  adore  children  ;  and  it  is  a 
comical  sight  to  see  them  standing  one  on  each  side  of  a  youngster  of 
five,  and  all  but  lifting  him  into  the  air  as  they  lick  his  face  with 
theii  great  tongues.  One  other  point  about  them  deserves  mention. 
They  overflow  with  sympathy.  You  have  only  to  sit  down  and 
pretend  to  cry  or  to  be  in  pain  to  have  them  rushing  across  the  room 
with  howls,  upsetting  chairs  or  tables  as  they  come,  until  they  can 
smother  you  under  an  avalanche  of  clumsy  caresses. 


,  the  retriever,  is  a  quiet  dog,  devoted  to  his  profession  and 
very  intelligent,  a  dog  with  deep,  eloquent  eyes,  and  a  lustrous,  wavy 
black  coat.  Rufus,  the  spaniel,  is  a  brown  dog,  and  supplies  un- 
consciously the  comic  element  in  the  kennel.  He  has  the  most 
absurd  way  of  gazing  at  you  with  his  bulging,  amber  eyes,  while  he 
wags  his  stump  of  a  tail  at  the'rate  of  about  a  million  to  the  minute. 


48 


[JANUARY  2?,  1896. 


He  is  very  affectionate  and  very  jealous ;  a  pat  or  a  kind  word  to 
one  of  the  other  dogs  is  enough  to  arouse  Rufus  from  the  deepest 
slumber  in  order  that  he  may  at  once  claim  his  share  of  attention. 
He  is  also  rather  masterful,  and  being  comparatively  a  little  dog 
he  is  apt  to  resent  the  rough,  good-humoured  gambols  of  the  St. 
Bernards.  He  is  deeply  convinced  that  he  is  superior  to  the  whole 
of  the  rest  of  them  put  together. 

Now  I  noticed  during  the  last  few  days  that  Rufus  has  been 
employing  his  leisure  in  burying  odd  biscuits  and  stray  bones  in 
various  parts  of  the  garden.  For  instance,  when  I  gave  him  a 
biscuit  the  other  day,  instead  of  eigerly  scrunching  it  as  is  his 
custom,  he  kept  it  in  his  mouth,  and  looked  at  me  with  a  con- 
f  cious,  half-guilty  expression,  wagging  his  tail  furiously  all  the 
time.  Obeying  the  dictates  of  good  breeding,  I  withdrew,  but  not 
far  enough  to  lose  sight  of  Rufus,  although  I  made  sure  that  he 
was  unable  to  see  me.  Having  waited  a  short  time  he  trotted  oil' 
to  a  convenient  flower-bed,  and  began  to  scrape  a  hole.  In  this 
he  carefully  deposited  his  biscuit  and  then  set  to  work  to  rub 
the  earth  back  with  his  broad  and  foolish  brown  nose.  Having 
carefully  smoothed  the  place  all  over  he  came  back  to  me  looking 
as  if  nothing  had  happened,  though  his  tell-tale  nose  had  upon 
it  a  pyramid  of  earlh  quite  an  inch  high.  It  may  be  thought 
that  Rufus  buried  these  soraps  of  food  in  order  to  have  a  store 
for  future  emergencies.  Not  at  all.  I  discovered  tha%  to  use 
his  own  expression,  he  had  been  "  pegging  out  claims  "  in  the 
garden,  and  by  this  time  he  imagines  himself  to  have  proprietary 
rights  over  the  whole  place. 


WE  have,  of  course,  all  been  very  much  excited  by  the  foreign 
intelligence  of  the  past  few  weeks,  and  the  other  morning,  while 
Rufus  was  apparently  sleeping,  someone  read  out  aloud  the  German 
Emperor's  extraordinary  telegram  to  President  KHUGER.  Rufus 
took  no  notice  at  1  he  time,  but,  as  the  result  shows,  he  had  evidently 
heard,  had  been  fired  with  admiration,  and  had  resolved  on  the  first 
opportunity  to  imitate.  After  lunch  on  the  same  day,  Sen  had 
retired  to  smoke  a  quiet  bone  in  a  corner  of  the  garden  that  he 
particularly  affects.  Roy ,  who  is.  I  am  sorry  to  say,  rather  a  greedy 
dog,  observed  the  bone  from  a  distance,  and  the  waters  of  desire 
began  to  trickle  from  his  mouth.  He  decided  to  make  an  attempt 
to  possess  himself  of  it.  Sen,  however,  who  had  temporarily  de- 
posited his  bone,  was  full  v  aware  of  what  was  passing  in.  Roy's  mind, 
and  accordingly  when  Roy  advanced,  looking  as  if  he  had  urgent 
business totallyunconnected  withabonein  that  cornerof  the  garden, 
Sen  sprang  up,  and  seized  the  invader  by  the  ear.  So  resolute  was 
the  retriever's  demeanour  that  Roy,  oppressed  with  a  sense  of 
knavery,  incontinently  turned  and  fled.  Here  was  Rufus't  oppor- 
tunity. That  remarkable  dog  approached  to  within  ten  yards  of  Sen, 
looked  at  him  steadily,  barked  twice,  and  then  retired.  This  was  what 
he  had  said ;  I  read  it  off  immediately  on  the  Cogitatograph :  "I  con- 
gratulate you  with  all  my  heart  on  naving  repulsed  dastardly  inva- 
sion of  Rob-roy,  freebooter,  without  the  intervention  of  any  friendly 
powers.  (Signed)  Rufus,  R.  $  /."  Sen  had  made  a  suitable  reply  to 
the  effect  that  he  would  defend  the  independence  of  his  beloved  hone 
to  his  last  gasp.  

THE  consequences  of  this  ridiculous  action  on  Rufus's  part  are 
very  distressing.  Roy  and  Don,  who  had  of  course  heard  the 
message  delivered,  are  both  furious.  Don  says  that  he  is  far  from 
wishing  to  defend  every  action  that  Roy  may  take,  but  after  all, 
blood  is  thicker  than  water,  and  he  is  not  going  to  endure  the  pre- 
posterous airs  of  a  bandy-legged  upstart  like  Rufus,  Sen  is  not 
too  pleased.  He  says  he  can  defend  himself  without  the  intervention 
of  anybody,  and  has  no  intention  of  being  patronised  by  Rvfus.  In 
fact,  that  unfortunate  spaniel  is  at  the  present  moment  the  most 
unpopular  dog  I  have  ever  known,  and  all  on  account  of  a  moment's 
rashness  inspired  by  hearing  the  Emperor's  telegram  read  aloud.  I 
have  bad  to  give  Rufus  a  room  to  himself,  and  to  keep  him  carefully 
out  of  the  way  of  the  St.  Bernards.  I  scarcely  like  to  think  what 
the  end  of  it  all  may  be. 

OBJECT  LESSONS  FOR  THE  BAR. 

SCENE—  A  Court  of  Law.  Judge  on  Sench.  Solicitors  in  Well. 
Silks  in  the  pew  reserved  for  them.  Sack  seats  crowded  with 
members  of  the  Junior  Sar. 

First  Leader  (rising  and  addressing  the  Court).  I  appear,  my 
Lord,  with  my  friends,  Messrs.  BLACKSTONE,  COEB,  BACON,  HOLT, 
and  LYTTLKTON,  for  the  plaintiff.  (Sits  down.) 

Second  Leader  (following  suit).  And  I,  mv  Lord,  with  my  friends, 
Messrs  BRIEFLESS,  DTJNUP,  ROE,  DOE,  and  JUSTINIAN  COCKBURN,  for 
the  defendant. 

The  Judge  (courteously).  I  do  not  wish  to  interfere  at  so  early  a 
stage.  But  I  would  suggest  to  learned  counsel  wearing  silk,  that 
there  seems  to  me  rather  an  excessive  use  of  stuff  in  this  matter. 

[Laughter. 


..Mp[  l'f  |1HMIJPlll 

BELLICOSE    PREPARATIONS. 

THE  PROPOSED  GIRAFFE  CORPS  ON  ACTIVE  SERVICE. 


First  Leader  (smiling).  I  tike  your  Lordship's  meaning.  But 
would  humbly  suggest  that  in  the  course  of  my  case  I  shall  have  1 
show  a  prize  fight,  wb«n,  for  the  purpose  of  illustration,  I  shall  fin 
ihe  services  of  mv  friends  who  are  associated  with  me  invaluabh 
Many  of  my  friends  when  at  Cambridge  were  distinguished  membei 
of  the  A.  D.  C. 

The  Judge.  Quite  so.    Of  course  you  will  use  your  discretion. 

Second  Leader.  And  as  the  matter  has  been  mentioned,  my  Lore 
I  think  it  is  only  right  to  eay  that,  as  dunng  the  course  of  this  cat 
I  shall  have  to  show  how  a  game  of  Nap  was  played,  I  cannc 
dispense  with  the  services  of  my  friends.  I  may  mention  that  Mi 
BRIEFLESS  (whose  face  may  possibly  be  better  known  to  yon 
Lordship  than  his  voice)  is  a  very  clever  amateur  actor.  During  tl 
last  twenty  or  thirty  years  he  has  been  giving  readings  of  Samlet  an 
Dazzle,  absolutely  distinct  from  those  made  familiar  to  the  public  b 
Sir  HENRY  IRVING  and  the  late  Mr.  CHARLES  MATHEWS. 

The  Judge.  I  have  not  the  least  doubt  of  Mr.  BRIEFLESS'S  abilitj 
but  I  would  point  out  that,  as  a  rule,  a  Queen's  Counsel  is  satisfie 
with  the  assistance  of  {at  most)  two  members  of  the  Junior  Bar. 

Firt-t  Leader.  Just  so,  my  Lord.  But  no  doubt  it  will  be  fresh  i: 
your  Lordship's  memory  that  recently  Mr.  AVORY  showed  ^how 
suicide  or  murder  might  be  committed  in  a  cab  with  the  assistano 
of  his  learned  friend  Mr.  BIHON.*  Now  I  would  not  for  a  momen 
suggest  that  the  great  dearth  of  business  in  these  courts  ha 
anything  to  do  with  the  matter,  but  it  is  undoubtedly  open  to  obser 
vation  that  certainly  anything  that  can  be  done  to  put  business — 

The  Judge  (interrupting).  Yes,  yes ;  I  understand.  But  I  ai 
afraid  that  the  nutter  may  end  in  disappointment.  But  that  is 
point  that  the  Taxing  Master  must  decide. 

Soth  Leaders.  As  your  Lordship  pleases. 
[Scene  closes  in  upon  the  prospect  of  a  coming  contest  "  re  costs. 
*  Daily  Chrotiicle,  January  1/5,  1896. 

IN  RB  "  MOTOR." — There  is  to  be  a  grand  exhibition  of  Moto 
Carriages  at  the  Imperial  Institute.  Is  this  to  ha  in  May,  or  at 
Re-Moter  date  ? 

THE  CHARTERED  SOUTH  AFRICAN  Co.— "A  Chartered  Libertine." 


FEBRUARY  1,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


49 


THE  PATRIOT'S  VADE 
MECTTM. 

(Compiled  on  Sentimental  Plus 
Commercial  Principles.) 

Question.  You  consider  war 
a  curee  P 

Answer.  Certainly;  and  one 
that  should  be  avoided  at 
almost  any  cost. 

Q.  But  you  would  not  sacri- 
fice the  honour  of  your  country 
to  secure  peace  ? 

A.  No;  but  then  "honour" 
is  an  elastic  term,  haying  more 
than  one  signification. 

Q.  You  would  reverence  the 
Army  and  Navy  ? 

A.  Unquestionably.  The 
more  especially  in  referring  to 
them  in  a  speech  delivered  at 
the  f  ajr end  of  a  charity  dinner. 

Q.  You  would  increase  both 
Services  ? 

A.  To  any  limit,  at  the  in- 
stigation of  the  writer  of  a 
soul-stirring  leading  article.  " 

Q.  You  would  cheer  a  song 
with  a  refrain  ending  with 
"England,"  or  "Fatherland," 
or  "Victoria"? 

A.  To  the  echo.  And  my 
applause  would  be  the  louder 
if  bestowed  from  the  audi- 
torium of  a  comic  opera  house 
or  a  theatre  of  varieties. 

Q.  But  would  not  war  spell 
41  disaster  "?*  .-..;-.• 

A.  Yes,  in  shape  of  famine. 

Q.  And  yet  you  have  nothing 
but  enthusiasm  for  bellicose 
ballads  ? 


A   YOUNG    REPUBLICAN. 

Little  Lord  Charles.  "On,  I 'is.  GOING  TO  BE  AN  OMNIBUS  CONDUCTOR, 

WHEN  /  GROW  UP." 

Fair  American.  "  BUT  TOUR  BROTHER  's  GOING  TO  BE  A  DUKS,  ISN'T  HB  ? " 
L.  L.  G.  "An,  YES  ;  BUT  THAT  's  ABOUT  ALL  HE  's  FIT  FOR,  YOU  KNOW  1 " 


A.  To  be  sure.  But  then  it 
must  be  remembered  that  songs 
are  harmless  until  their  words 
cease  to  be  syllables  and  be- 
come deeds. 

Q.  Then,  in  spite  of  spirited 
leading  articles  and  Jingo 
minstrelsy,  you  would  act 
with  moderation  P 

A.  Yes,  as  represented  by 
the  Government. 

Q.  And  you  would  prefer 
rumours  of  war  to  war  itself  ? 

A.  Naturally;  for  the  former 
have  all  the  advantages  of 
martial  glory  without  the 
drawbacks. 

Q.  But,  supposing  that  it 
turned  out  after  careful  con- 
sideration— after  taking  into 
account  the  possibility  of 
seizing  foreign  colonies  and 
securing  the  remainder  of  the 
world's  carrying  trade  —  it 
seemed  likely  that  war  might 
be  profitable,  would  you  then 
counsel  peace  P 

A.  No  ;  for  then  hostilities 
would  have  come  within  the 
bounds  of  business.  Once  prove 
that  a  good  general  row  will 
yield  dear  old  England  a  safe 
four  per  cent ,  and  Britannia 
will  draw  her  sword,  and  let  her 
lion  not  only  growl,  but  bite. 


ANTICIPATORY  OF  FEBRU- 
ARY 14. — In  view  of  the  meet- 
ing of  Parliament  Sir  WILLIAM 
HAB.COTIRT  is  preparing  to  send 
Mr.  J.  CHAMBERLAIN  a  Trans- 
vaalentine. 


THE  BOOK  OF  THE  WEEK.    THE  SAVELOY. 

I.— MYSTERIES  OF  THE  HUMAN  HEART. 

Is  the  world  coming  round  to  my  point  of  view  after  all,  and  is  the 
great  heart  of  the  nation  beginning  to  recognise  that  what  interests 
me  must  be  the  most  important  factor  in  life  ?  Here  is  a  charming 
magazine,  written  by  contributors  who  have  the  full  courage  of  their 
woman's  creed,  and  very  refreshing  it  is  to  turn  from  the  morbid 
philosophy  of  the  Besantine  school  of  literature  to  the  sweet  fresh  air 
of  the  new  world  to  which  Mr.  WEIRDSLEY  and  his  colleagues  take 
us.  There  is  not  an  article  in  the  volume  that  one  can  put  down 
without  feeling  the  better  and  the  purer  for  it. 

II.— AN  IDYLL  OF  THE  SEASIDE. 

I  have  neither  fear  nor  shame  in  printing  the  following  extract 
from  a  bretzy  article  by  the  editor. 

Margate,  1895.    By  Simple  Symons. 

I  went  to  Margate  this  year  by  the  excursion-train  with  the  intention  of 
remaining  only  for  the  eight  hours  of  vulgarity  without  fun  that  we  trippers 
are  promised,  and  1  remained  from  Saturday  till  Monday !  What  is  it  in 
this  so  little  watering-place  that  appeals  to  the  poet,  and  that  turns  us  all, 
at  our  moments,  into  helpless  and  drivelling  idiots  ? .  .  . 

Ah !  but  the  beach  on  a  sunny  morning !  What  a  feast  of  colour,  of  move- 
ment, of  so  various  curiosities !  Here  is  the  smart  brandy-ball  man  with  his 
paper  cap,  here  the  quaint  seller  of  old-world  pebbles.  On  certain  mornings 
negro  minstrel*  perform  on  the  sands.  You  cannot  imagine  anything  more 
dt  licious.  These,  it  should  be  said,  are  not  real  negroes ;  they  are  simply  ordi- 
nary white  men,  with  their  faces  painted  black.  How  amusingit  all  was,  how 
inter*  sting  they  were,  how  they  invited  to  the  wandering  of  vague  emotion ! 

I  had  my  own  little  romance  on  the  beach — the  most  absurd  cf  little 
romances.  Still ! 

There  was  an  old  bathing-woman,  known  as  MARTHA  GUMN.  She 
avoided  me  in  so  marked  a  manner  that  I  saw  she  was  in  love  with  me. 
Once,  when  I  smiled  at  her,  she  waved  at  me,  as  in  mock  defiance,  a  little, 
teeny  bathing-dress.  Sometimes  she  would  sit  on  the  steps  of  a  bathing 
machine,  knitting.  I  thought  once  of  kissing  my  hand  to  her.  But,  after 
all,  was  it  worth  while  ?  Yet  it  would  have  pleased  her,  my  dear  old  friend, 
whom  I  never  knew,  but  who,  I  knew,  loved  me.  More  than  all  others, 
MARTHA  GUNN  seemed  to  sum  up  Margate  for  me.  .  .  . 

This  plaintive  philosophy  will  come  home  to  many  as  a  revelation 
and  a  hope. 

III.— UNEASY  LIES  THE  HEAD  THAT  WEARS  A  CROWN. 

The  article  from  which  I  suljjin  an  extract,  and  which  is  deeply 
interesting  in  the  present  political  crisis,  will,  I  venture  to  think,  add 


much  to  the  making  or  the  marring  of  the  joys  and  sorrows  of  those 
who  live  in  what  the  Decadents  and  the  Ibsenites  choose  to  call  "  the 
end  of  the  century." 

A  Fine  Child.    By  Max  Mereboom. 

I  first  saw  him  last  summer,  in  the  Isle  of  Wight,  clapping  his  chubby 
little  hands,  and  crowing  with  delight  as  he  sailed  his  toy-ship.  A  fine  child 
he  is,  fond  of  his  rocking-horse,  fonder  still  of  playing  with  soldiers.  For 
the  rest,  I  find  but  one  slight  stain  on  his  infant  life.  He  is  a  trifle 
quarrelsome,  and,  when  other  children  fight,  he  will  run  and  kiss  the  victor, 
or  hit  the  vanquished  with  his  clenched  fist.  Once  he  locked  his  little  brother 
up  in  a  cupboard  for  doing  something  that  displeased  him.  He  prefers  sauer- 
kraut even  to  Mellin's  food,  and  dearly  loves  a  musical  box  that  plays  "  Die 
Wacht  amRhein."  He  cannot  bear  to  leave  his  toy-boats  at  home.  He 
cries  when  he  goes  out,  and  says  to  his  nurse  "  Kleine  Billie  wants  Schiffa. 
He  is  perhaps  a  trifle  spoilt.  He  should  be,  while  there  is  y«t  time,  placed 
judiciously  in  the  corner,  or  deprived,  it  may  be,  of  pudding.  Ein  wen\g 
Geduld  !  He  may  yet  grow  up  to  be  a  great  and  good  man. 

IV.— THE  MORAL  TONE. 

And  now  we  come  to  Mr.  WETRDSLEY'S  work.  Under  Ludgate 
Hill  is  a  novel  rather  of  character  than  of  adventure.  It  is  chiefly 
remarkable  for  its  terse,  vigorous  style,  its  absolute  truthfulness  to 
nature,  and— more  important  than  all  the  rest— its  high  moral  tone. 
The  character  of  the  excellent  Mrs.  Marsuple  is  superbly  developed, 
while  Claud  and  Clair  are  creations— they  seem  to  live.  This  book 
should  be  on  every  schoolroom  table ;  every  mother  should  present  it 
to  her  daughter,  for  it  is  bound  to  have  an  ennobling  and  purifying 
influence.  Here  is  a  powerful  description  of  the  refreshment- bar  of 
Messrs.  SPIEBS  AND  POND  :— 

....  The  refreshment-table  was  freighted  with  the  most  exquisite  and 
shapely  delicacies,  sufficient  to  make  Buzzards'  a  place  of  naught.  On  quaint 
pedestals  of  every  sort  stood  bottles  of  cherry-brandy,  of  gingerbeer,  of  lime- 
juice  cordial.  Marmalade  and  jam  were  in  frail  porcelain  pots.  There  were  jam- 
tarts  that  seemed  to  stain  the  table,  bath-buns  baked  to  the  utmost,  and  flecked 
with  tiny  dead  flies,  macaroons  of  all  sorts,  and  sandwiches  cut  like  artificial 
flowers.  There  were  seed-cakes  sown  with  caraway-seeds,  gingerbread  twisted 
into  cunning  forms,  and  sausage-rolls  so  beautiful  that  the  teeth  might  have 
no  pleasure  until  they  closed  upon  them.  .  .  .  Some  of  the  barmaids  had  put 
on  delightful  little  fringes  dyed  in  reds,  and  yellows,  and  some  wore  great 
white  aprons  after  the  manner  of  the  New  Magdalen.  They  were  silenced 
by  the  approach  of  the  Bovril,  that  was  served  by  waiters  dressed  in  black. 

Have  I  not  said  enough  about  the  "  Saveloy  "  to  show  that  no 
family  should  be  without  it  ?  ••  ?• 


VOL.   CX. 


50 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  1,  1896. 


THE    STORY   OF    FIDGETY   WILHELM. 

(Up-to  date  Version  of  "  Struvrwelpeter.") 


"  LET  MB  SEE  IF  WILHELM  CAN 
BE  A  LITTLE  GENTLEMAN  ; 
LET  ME  SEE  IF  HE  IS  ABLE] 
TO  SIT  STILL  FOB  ONCE  AT  TABLE  1" 


BUT  FIDGETY  WILL 

HE  WON'T  sir  STILL." 

*  »  *  « 

JUST  LIKE  ANT  BUCKING  HORSE. 

"  WILHELM  I    WE  ARE  GETTING  CROSS  1 " 


FEBRUARY  1,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


51 


A    FEMININE    FAILING. 


First  Sportsman.  "  WELL,  HOW  DO  YOU  LIKB  THAT  NEW  MARE  OP  YOUBS?" 

Second  Sportsman.  "On,  FAIBLY  WELL.     BUT  I  WISH  I  HAD  BOUGHT  A  HORSE.      SHE'S  ALWAYS  STOPPING  TO  LOOK  AT  HERSELF 

IN  THE   PUDDLBS  1  " 


THE  STORY  OF  FIDGETY  WILHELM. 

(From  "Struwwelpeter"  Up  to  Date.) 

"  LET  me  see  if  WILHELM  can 
Be  a  little  gentleman  ; 
Let  me  see  if  he  is  able 
To  tit  still  for  once  at  table  !  " 
Thus  papa  bade  WILL  behave, 
Whilst  mamma  looked  very  grave, 
But  fidgety  WILL 
He  won't  sit  still ; 

He  wriggles  and  jiggles,  with  nose  in  air, 
And  flusters  and  blusters,  and  tilts  his  chair, 
Just  like  any  bucking  horse. 
"  WILHBLM!     We  are  getting  crots  !  " 

See  the  tiresome  restless  child 
Growing  still  more  rude  and  wild, 
Till  his  chair  tilts  over  quite  I 
WILHELM  yells  with  all  his  might, 
Grabbing  at  the  cloth,  but  then 
That  makes  matters  worse  again. 
Cloth  dragged  off,  with  WILHELM  fall 
Soup- tureen,  knives,  forks,  and  all. 
Poor  mamma  does  fret  and  frown 
When  she  sees  them  tumbling  down ; 
Porr  papa  makes  a  wry  face  ; 
Fidgety  WILL  's  in  dire  disgrace  I 


NKW  NAME  FOR  UHE  LATE  COMMANDER- 
EF  IN  CDBA.— Marshal  DECAMPOS. 


OF   COUKSB.— The  second  number  of  the 
Minute  is  announced. 


THE  THESPIAN  TRAIN. 

(Extract  from  a  Diary.) 

Monday.— After  good  night's  rest,  started 
for  Newcastle.  Gave  two  entertainments  en 
route  in  saloon  carriage.  Crowded  both  turns. 
Matinee  successful.  Two  afternoon  per- 
formances to  different  passengers  returning 
to  London.  Arrived  in  town  in  time  for  the 
evening's  entertainment.  Started  again  by 
special  for  Orkney  Islands  at  11.30  P.M. 

Tuesday. — Rehearsing  new  piece  en  route. 
Supper  at  2  A.M.  Arranged  business  of  Second 
Act  in  saloon  at  4  A.M.  Breakfast.  Gave 
entertainment  in  Ihe  waiting-room.  Capital 
business.  Largest  receipts  on  record. 
Performance  to  passengers  travelling  by  same 
train.  Tea.  Dressed  in  cab.  Got  back  to 
town  in  capital  time  for  evening  performance. 
Started  at  11.30  P.M.  for  Edinburgh. 

Wednesday.— Customary  "before  dawn" 
rehearsal  of  new  piece.  Introduced  novel 
feature  for  passengers  by  same  train — 
"  Dramatic  Breakfast."  Played  in  refresh- 
ment-carriage during  the  meal.  Enormous 
success.  Three  curtains.  Travelling  stage 
"n;  up"  jast  what  was  wanted.  Edin- 
burgh matinee  a  triumph.  Started  for 
return  journey  by  special.  Rehearsed  new 
piece.  Picked  up  double  saloon-carriage  con- 
taining audience  en  route,  and  gave  special 
performance  in  it.  Returned  to  town  in 
excellent  time  for  usual  London  programme. 
Left  at  11.30  for  Torquay. 


Thursday.—  Uncertain  with  my  words 
during  midnight  rehearsal.  By  doctor's  ad- 
vice, took  ten  minutes  for  lunch.  Torquay  a 
success.  Returned  immediately  afterwards. 
Extended  the  "  drop-carriage  scheme."  Gave 
three  separate  performances  in  three  double- 
saloon  carriages.  After  London  show,  started 
at  11.30  P.M.  for  Dublin. 

Friday. — Bad  pas  sage.  Matinee  on  steamer 
to  rather  a  poor  house.  Thoroughly  Irish  wel- 
come. Doctor  says  I  am  "knocking  myself 
up."  Ordered  me  to  sleep.  Had  a  draught, 
and  played  in  my  slumbers.  Suppose  London 
show  was  all  right.  Left  for  Bath  at  11.30. 

Saturday.  —  Gave  early  performance  at 
Bath  because  we  had  to  be  back  for  the  London 
matinee  at  2.34.  Rested  en  route  by  doctor's 
orders.  After  second  performance  in  town 
theatre  at  8.30,  gave  special  entertainment  at 
the  Harmonium  Club.  Sapper.  No  sleep. 

Sunday. — After  leaving  Harmonium  Club, 
caught  8  o'clock  train  for  Dover.  Arrange- 
ments of  the  L.  C.  and  D.  Railway,  as  usual, 
capital.  Managed  to  give  short  performance 
on  board  the  boat  in  mid-Channel.  Arrived 
at  Calais.  Twenty  minutes'  play  during  feed- 
ing interval.  Lunched  in  train.  No  sleep. 
Arrived  in  Paris.  Dressed  in  cab.  Played 
before  a  French  audience.  Enthusiastic 
reception.  Back  again.  Gave  second  per- 
formance at  Amiens.  Early  breakfast.  Dead 
beat.  Just  in  time.  Oh,  dear  I .  .  .  .  Heavy 
gale  in  Channel !  .  .  . .  Oh !  where  is  the 
doctor? 
Hanwell.  .  ,  .  •  Resting. 


52 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  1,  1896. 


SCENE    FROM    DOLLYLAND.     "AFTER   THE    HOLIDAYS." 


ROUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

THE  ALARMS  OF  MOTHKFS. 

DURING  the  past  ten  days  or  so,  the  mothers  of  Great  Britain  have 
le«n  bidding  good-bye  to  theii  beloved  sons.  To  Oxford  and  Cam- 
bridge, to  Trinity  College,  Dublin,  to  Eton,  Harrow,  Rugby,  Fettes. 
Loretto,  and  countless  other  schools  with  great  reputations  and 
varying  charges  for  board  (gymnastics,  French,  German,  drawing, 
and  music,  being  extras  of  unfortunately  doubtful  popularity),  the 
sons  have  betaken  themselves,  many  with  hampers,  and  all  with 
good  advice  from  both  parents.  To  the  father  it  pertains  to  urge  his 
son  to  greater  mental  activity,  to  warn  him  as  to  the  crushing  effects 
in  after  life  of  failure  in  examinations,  to  inculcate  punctuality, 
obedience,  and  (in  the  case  of  undergraduates)  a  discreet  manage- 
ment of  his  finances.  The  mother,  on  the  other  hand,  concerns  her- 
self with  his  bodily  welfare.  She  provides  him  with  a  hamper,  she 
implores  him  not  to  catch  cold,  she  is  eloquent  on  the  subject  of  dry 
socks  and  flannel  uaderwear,  she  begs  him  to  avoid  the  terrible 


, 

fatigues  involved  in  eight-oar  boat-races,  and  the  inevitable  danger 
to  life  and  limb  entailed  by  football.    "Your  grandfather,"  she 


genariaa.    But  sons,  like  all  other  malee,  are  hopelessly  illogical. 


HIRE,  I  think,  I  may  indulge  myself  with  a  short  by-the-way  on 
the  subject  of  hampers.  Yesterday  my  advice  was  sought  by  a  small 
friend  who  was  about  to  return  to  the  house  of  toil.  He  was  pro- 
ceeding with  his  even  more  diminutive  brother  in  the  direction  of  the 
village  grocer,  in  order  to  buy  something  for  the  terminal  hamper, 
but  he  wished  to  know  how  best  to  employ  the  money  intrutted  to 
him  by  his  mother  for  that  purpose.  'rWhat  do  you  think  of 
oranges  ?  "  he  asked.  I  suggested  that  oranges  were  a  cold  fruit  at 
this  time  of  year.  "  But  you  can  take  'em  to  bed,  you  know,  and 
warm  them  up  a  bit  first.  Besides,"  he  continued,  "  you  can 
make  pigs  out  ef  orange  peel,  and  put  them  on  the  French  master's 
desk ;  and  you  can  make  spiffing  sets  of  false  teeth."  This  settled 
the  matter;  a  dozen  oranges  were  decided  on.  "Any  jam?"  I 
asked.  "  Rather.  Two  pots  of  apricot,  three  pots  of  strawgogs,  and 
three  pots  of  goosegogs."  "What  about  potted  shrimps?"  1  in- 
quired. "Oh  my,  of  course  we'll  have  potted  shrimps,  won't  we, 
DICK?"  DICK'S  eyes  glistened;  enthusiasm  burst  from  every 
feature.  "  Chuck  her  up  for  potted  shrimps,"  he  remarked,  in  a 
tone  of  deep  conviction.  ft  A  cake  ? "  I  hinted.  "  Oh,  we've  got  a 
cake  ready  at  home,  a  reg'lar  whopper,  full  of  currants."  A  few 


minutes  later  the  necessary  purchases  were  concluded,  two  dozen 
macaroons  being  added  at  the  last  moment,  and  the  heavily  loaded 
foraging  column  staggered  homeward  in  triumph  with  its  booty. 


To  return  to  the  subject  of  mothers.  I  once  had  the  privilege  of 
staying  at  home  with  a  very  massive  and  powerful  heavy-weight 
oarsman,  whose  strength  and  stamina  in  the  University  boat-race 
had  been  universally  admired.  In  accepting  his  mother's  invitation, 
I  had  permitted  myself  a  jocose  allusion  to  the  pleasure  I  should  feel 
in  being  able  to  watch  over  her  young  Titan's  restoration  to  health 
after  the  labours  of  the  race.  "  Dear  HARRY,"  I  wrote,  "  will  want 
a  rest ;  his  delicate  frame  requires  plenty  of  wholesome  food,  and  it 
will  be  well  for  him,  I  am  eure,  to  continue  to  go  to  bed  early  eo  as 
to  get  as  much  sleep  as  possible  every  night.  I  will  do  my  best 
while  I  staywith  you  to  persuade  him  to  take  very  great  care  of 
himself."  When  I  arrived  I  was  welcomed  as  though  I  had  been  a 
prophet  by  HARRY'S  mother:  "You  are  the  only  one  of  HARRY'S 
friends,"  said  that  dear  lady  to  me,  "  who  sees  that  HARRY  is  over- 
doing all  this  dreadful  rowing.  He  looks  strong,  I  know,  but  iu 
reality  he  is  delicate  and  terribly  liable  to  colds.  Have  you  ever 
seen  him  in  one  of  his  fits  of  sneezing  ?  They  are  most  severe,  and 
seem  to  shake  him  to  pieces.  Of  course,  he  is  wilful,  and  refuses  to 
listen  to  Ms  mother,  but  now  that  I  have  your  influence  to  support 
me,  perhaps  he  will  be  a  little  more  reasonable."  In  fact.  I  dis- 
covered that  this  picked  specimen  of  health,  strength,  and  endurance 
was  considered  by  his  dear  mother  to  be  a  frail  and  delicate  plat  t 
requiring  constant  care  and  attention.  I  never  had  so  much 
difficulty  in  making  my  peace  with  anyone  as  I  had  with  HARRY 
when  he  discovered  what  I  had  done  in  a  moment  of  ill-timed  levity. 

HEBE,  too,  is  a  letter  from  a  mother  to  her  son  who  was  travelling 
on  the  Continent : — 

MY  DARLING  BOY,— I  am  thankful  to  hear  you  have  arrived  safe 
and  sound  with  dear  WILLY.  Ever  since  you  left  frightful  disasters 
have  been  before  my  mind.  First  of  all  there  was  a  short  telegram 
in  the  papers  announcing  a  train  wrecked  (the  very  day  you  were 
travelling)  between  Abbeville  and  somewhere  else.  Of  course,  I 
pictured  you  aad  WILLY  buried  beneath  horrible  splinters,  with  the 
engine  slowly  setting  fire  to  you  both,  and  no  means  of  escape, 
except  by  axes  that  might  hack  off  your  arms  and  legs  before  the 
doctors  arrived.  As  no  further  accounts  of  the  disaster  followed  I 
began  to  be  easy,  although  I  had  already  imparted  such  fearful  and 
sinister  forebodings  to  my  cook  that  she  was  evidently  quite 
certain  you  were  in  that  train,  and  must  have  been  deeply  dis- 
appointed by  your  card  yesterday  morning  announcing  your  safe 


FEBRUARY  1,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


53 


GOLF    IS    BEING    PLAYED   VERY    MUCH    IN    EGYPT". 


arrival  at  Madrid.    Still,  she  has  been  cheered  up  by  the  evenin 
papers  last  night  about  a  smash  to  a  Brussels  train.    Well,  than 
heaven,  you  were  not  in  that  one.    At  first  I  thought  you  mighi 
have  been,  but  on  reflection  I  found  that  Madrid  and  Brussels  were 
not  necessarily  direct  stations  on  each  other's  lines.    Do,  do  take 
care  of  yourself,  and  wrap  up  well  if  you  go  out  at  night.    Nothing 
is  so  deceptive,  I  am  told,  as  a  warm  day  in  Spain.    And  above 
all  things,  see  that  you  have  dry  sheets  in  the  hotels.    Many  a  young 
life  has  been  cut  off  by  damp  sheets." 

THE  fact  of  the  matter  is  that  the  dear  creatures  revel  in 
anxieties  and  in  carefully-planned  alarms.  If  the  nature  of  things 
fails  to  provide  them  with  a  reasonable  cause  for  apprehension,  they 
never  fail  to  invent  one  for  themselves.  And  yet,  who  would 
charge  that  "pleasing,  anxious  being,"  a  mother,  for  a  being  made 
of  sterner  stuff  ?  From  our  earliest  days  onward,  in  our  schoolboy 
troubles,  in  the  difficulties  that  beset  the  undergraduate,  in  the  cms 
and  disappointments  that  lie  about  the  path  of  the  man,  it  is  to  our 
mothers  that  we  turn  by  instinct  in  the  sure  confidence  of  being 
comforted  and  encouraged.  And  who,  in  the  time  of  our  little 
successes,  will  bear  our  banner  with  so  bold  a  hand,  and  declare  our 
triumph  with  so  clear  a  voice  as  a  mother  ?  Friends  may  fall  away 
from  us,  sorrow  and  pain  may  set  their  mark  upon  our  faces,  all  the 
world  may  speak  ill  of  us,  but  the  love  of  a  mother  shines  unchanged 
and  unchangeable  upon  her  wayward  sons. 

I  BEAD  the  other  day  an  account  of  the  capture  of  a  poacher  by  the 
police.  In  a  struggle  with  the  keepers  he  had  given  and  taken  some 
hard  knocks,  and  had  eventually  escaped.  After  an  active  search 
of  three  days,  the  police  tracked  him  down,  and  caught  him  in  a 
shed  adjoining  his  mother's  cottage.  She  was  giving  him  a  cup  oi 
milk  when  the  guardians  of  the  law  broke  in  upon  them.  "Let  him 
have  the  milk,"  she  said;  "he's  had  none  too  much  to  eat  or 
drink  these  last  days."  What  did  it  matter  to  her  that  he  was  a 
poacher,  and  had  knocked  a  keeper  down.  To  her  he  was  still  a  son  • 
she  still  thought  of  him  as  the  little  fellow  whose  courage  and  bold 
ways  had  been  her  pride  and  her  fear  years  ago.  I  have  no  particu- 
lar sympathy  with  those  who  batter  keepers,  but  I  hope  this 
particular  poacher  was  allowed  to  drink  his  milk  before  they  marched 
him  away  from  his  poor  old  mother's  sight  to  the  lock-up. 

AND  so  let  me  end  with  HOOD'S  beautif  al  lines : — 


Gaze  upon  her  living  eyes, 
And  mirror  back  her  love  for  thee, — 
Hereafter  thou  may'st  shudder  sighs 
To  meet  them  when  they  cannot  see. 
Gaze  upon  her  living  eyes ! 


Pray  for  her  at  eve  and  morn, 
That  Heaven  may  long  the  stroke  defer, 
For  thou  may'st  live  the  hour  forlorn 
When  thou  wilt  ask  to  die  with  her. 
Pray  for  her  at  eve  and  morn ! 


An  Imperial  Question. 

(The  German  Emperor  has  stopped  the  fitting  out  at  Cowes  oi  the  yacht 
White  Heather,  which  he  had  hired  for  a  trip  to  the  Mediterranean.] 

0  KAISER,  what  we  are  most  eager  to  know 
Is  why  you  give  up  the  White  Heather  f 

It  is  not  we  are  sure  that  you  'd  willingly  show 
On  your  nautical  cap  the  white  feather. 


A  CHANCE  IN  HIS  ABSENCE.— Who  does  not  remember  the  excellent 
lie-like  portrait  of  "  Dr.  JIM,"  painted  by  Professor  HUBEBT 
HEBKOMEB,  R.A.,  exhibited  at  Burlington  House?  It  was  "a 
speaking  likeness."  Could  it  oblige  us,  now,  with  some  information  ? 


IN    MEMORIAM. 

H.R.H.  Prince  Henry  Maurice  of  Battenberg  died  at  sea,  <j  the  effec's  oj 

African  fever ;  incurred  in  the  Ashanti  Campaign,  on 

January  20,  1896. 

"  UNTO  each  man  his  fate."    'Twas  his  to  fall 
In  a  campaign  else  bloodless  ;  yet  may  all 
True  victory's  laurels  deck  this  Prince's  pall. 

A  brave  man  facing  duty  with  stout  heart 
Knows  not,  nor  heeds,  whence  flies  the  fatal  dart ; 
To  await  it  calmly  is  the  hero's  part. 

In  patriot  battle's  keen  blood-stirring  closa 
A  man  might  chose  to  die,  but  history  knows 
Her  noblest  oft  have  fallen  to  unseen  foes. 

They  serve  who  wait,  England's  great  singer  si  ith. 
He  who  on  duty's  road  encounters  death, 
With  proud  content  may  j  ield  his  latest  breath. 

All  England  grieves  with  her  whom  England's  crown 
Shields  not  from  sorrow ;  nor  its  love,  deep  down 
In  myriad  bosoms,  from  fate's  adverse  frown. 

And  her,  the  all-faithful  daughter,  loving  wife, — 
The  People's  heart,  perplext  with  sounds  of  strife, 
And  rumours  wild  wherewith  the  realm  is  rife, 

Yet  turns  to  her  in  this  her  hour  of  grief ; 
Praying  for  her  Heaven's  balm,  of  boons  the  chief, 
The  solace  of  home-love  and  high  belief. 


"COME  HITHER,  HUBERT!" 

THAT  artful  necromancer,  HUBEKT  HEBKOMEB,  R.A.,  who  holds  us 
enchanted  by  his  skill,  causing  us  to  wonder  at  his  daring,  admire 
his  pluck,  and  his  infinite  capacity  for  taking  pains,  is  now  throwing 
an  entirely  new  and,  indeed,  an  electric  light  on  the  ancient  Black 
(and  White)  art.  He  begins  with  a ' '  positive  process. ' '  Some  persons 
never  in  a  lifetime  get  beyond  this.  These  "  positivists  "  employ  a 
process  so  positive,  and  believe  in  themselves,  as  royalists  believe  in 
a  monarch  who  can  * '  do  no  wrong."  But  this  is  not  the  case  with  our 
gentle  prof essor  HTJBEBT  :  professor  and  eke  a  practiser.  He  goes  from 
the ' '  positive ' '  process  to  the ' '  comparative," — comparing  other  results 
with  those  which  he  has  already  obtained, — and  from  the  "compara- 
tive "  he  arrives  at  the  "  superlative,"  which  he  tells  us  in  his  lecture 
is  superlatively  satisfactory,  and  is  destined  to  supersede  the  more 
laborious  road,  as  the  railway  has  superseded  the  coach.  "In  no 
method  of  black  and  white  work  that  is  known  to  me,"  says  our 
HTJBEBT,  "is  rapidity  of  workmanship  so  safe  and  so  satisfactory." 
By  thia  new  method  the  artist,  who  is  to  be  his  own  reproducer,  will, 
in  a  jiffy  (so  to  speak,  and  not  quoting  the  words  oi  the  Master), 
readily  reach  the  masses  with  autographic  touch,  so  that  anyone  with 
a  tatte  for  real  art,  but  lacking  the  means  to  gratify  it,  may  acquire 
a  genuine  article,  whose  originator  "dessinit  engravedit  dedit  et 
sinedit"  for  some  ridiculously  small  sum  within  the  capacity  of  the 
shallowest  socket.  "  Oliver  asks  for  more."  We  would  hear  further 
of  this,  anon. 

A  GAMPISH  REMABK. — From  the  Veuve  Monnier  et  ses  Fils 
inquiry  it  appears,  from  the  evidence,  that  the  Veuve  Monnier  was 
in  invention  of  the  ingenious  person  who  started  the  company. 
Evidently,  as  "there  never  was  no  sech  person,"  the  English 
translation  of  "  Veuve  Monnier"  is  "  Mr*.  HABBM." 


54 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  1,  1896. 


DRAWING-ROOM    INANITIES. 

He,  "  I  WONDER  YOTT  'RE  NOT  AFRAID  OF  GOING  TO  NlCE  AFTBK  THOSE  TERRIBLE 
EARTHQUAKES  1 " 

She.  "On,  SURELY  THOSE  THINGS  ARE  ALWAYS  CONFINED  TO  THE  POOREK  QUARTERS  OF 
THB  TOWN  I 


THE  TWO  SENATOES. 

(Mr.  Punch  of  Fleet  Street  to  Mr.  Walcctt  of 
Washington. ) 

t"  When  I  hear  .  .  .  that  Ihe  people  of  the  British 
Isles,  in  defence  of  what  they  deem  their  rights, 
are  marshalling  armies  and  assembling  navies 
rtady  and  undaunted  to  face  the  world  in  arm?, 
unyielding  and  unafraid,  I  thank  God  I  am  of  that 
race.  Blood  is  thicker  than  water,  and  until  a 
just  quarrel  divides  us — which  heaven  forbid — may 
these  two  great  nations  of  the  game  speer-h, 
lineage,  and  traditions,  stand  as  brothers  shoulder 
to  shoulder  in  the  interests  of  humanity  by  a 
union-compelling  peace."—  Senator  Walcott  in  the 
American  Senate,  speaking  upon  Senator  Davids 
resolution.] 

SA  Y!    Senator  WALCOTT  on  Senator  DAVIS 
Comes  sweeter  than  sugar  a-top  of  molasses  I 

The   song   of   the  mocking-bird,  bobolink, 

mavis, 
The  bellicose  squawk  of  the  eagle  surpasses. 


Sweet!    Street! 
You  're  bad  to  beat, 
Senat.r  WALCOTT,  whom  warmly  we  greet  11! 

Senator  DAVIS — non  CEdipus! — swaggers 
And  blows  windbags  out  to  their  fullest 

inflation. 

But   Senator  "WALCOTT   knows  pistols   aid 
daggers  [nation. 

Won't  scare,  no,  not  much,  a  high-spirited 
Bosh  1    Bosh ! 

Windbags  won't  wash,      [sqiash. 
Unless  a  man's  soft  as  your  own  punkin- 

Seaator  WALCOIT  is  almost  too  flattering, 

Painto  JOHNNY  BULL  in  a  posture  heroic. 
Well,    we're     not     sweet    on    thrasonical 

chattering, 

Bat  kindred's  praises  would  soften  a  stoic. 
Joy !    Joy  I 
WALCOTT,  dear  boy, 

Tributes  like  yours   touch  our  hearts,  and 
don't  cloy. 


4 'Thicker  than  water?"   You  bet!    So  much 

thicker 

That  CLEVELAND  plus  DAVIS  plus  Spread- 
eagle  Jingo, 
The     chuckling    tail-twister,    the    asinine 

kicker, 

Don't  count— when  compared  with  your 

gen-u-ine  stineo ! 

Drink  I    Drink ! 

'Tother  eye  wink, 

And— tangled  affairs  will  soon  "c  Dm e  out  of 

kink! 

"Thank  God  you're  one  of  our  race?/'    0, 

Punch  blushes  I 
And  yet,  like  your   "  bars,"    Leo   loves 

virgin  honey. 
And  swiftly  JOHN'S  face  fervent  friendliness 

flushes 

When  JONATHAN  proffers  the  comb!    I* 
that  funny  ? 

Shake !    Shake  I 
That  doesn't  mean  quake, 
But  tip  us  your  fist  for  old  kinship's  dear 


"Shoulder   to   shoulder?"     Why,  Senator 

WALCOTT, 
That 's  j  ust  as  we  ought  to  be,  much  like  two 

brothers 
Who  learned  at  one  knee,  and  slept  in  the 

eame  small  cot. 

And  "  so  mote  it  be, ".and  shall  be,  despite 
pothers. 

So!    So! 

Now,  let  'em  "  blow  "  ! 
Row,  boys,  row  together,  in  spite  of  MONBOE  ! 

Senator  DAVIS— non  CEJipug—"  guesses," 
No  doubt,  like  most  Yanks,  out  he  ain't 

guessed  our  riddle  I 

Bat,  Senator  WALCOTT,  the  Britisher  blesses, 
The  man  who  hits  "  common-sense"  bang 
in  the  middle. 

Drinks  1    Drinks  I 
You  've  floored  the  Sphinx  I 
And  Punch   tells  you  straight  what   each 
Britisher  thinks  I 


BALLADE  OF  HAPPINESS. 

WE  've  sailed  the  ocean's  trackless  main, 

Full  many  a  passing  pleasant  day, 
Now  back  in  England  once  again 

We  come,  and  come,  alas !  to  stay. 

Back  in  the  old  familiar  fray 
We  fight  to  live.    Yet  dear  to  me 

The  thought  that  naught  can  take  away 
The  happy  days  we  spent  at  sea  P 

With  games  we  ever  dared  to  strain 

Oar  nerves  and  thews  in  ceaseless  play. 
We  bet  upon  the  run  to  gain 

A  livelihood— it  didn't  pay  I 

To  one  another's  great  dismay 
We  bluffed  at  p  )k(  r  — ' '  Raise  you  three ' ' — 

Can  any  pen  aright  portray 
The  happy  days  we  spent  at  sea  ? 

Oar  conduct  was— well,  hardly  fane, 
With  none  at  hand  to  say  us  Nay. 

We  danced,  we  sang,  we  ragged.  In  vaia 
Thty  strove  to  stop  our  "  making  hay." 
In  future  when  our  fancies  stray, 

And  we  are  lost  in  rcverie, 
Shall  we  not  often  softly  say, 

"  The  happy  days  we  spent  at  sea"  ? 

IS  Envoi. 
Friend,  if  you're  feeling  far  from  gay, 

Come,  drink  this  sentiment  with  me, 
"May  we  repeat  without  delay 

The  happy  days  we  spent  at  sea." 


ANOTHER  INJUSTICE  TO  IRELAND.— GALWAY 
has  been  handed  over  to  Belgium. 


$5 


fc  H 

o 

§  = 

'   2 

'    i-H 

Si" 

o  ^ 

^   GO 


I-1 .- 

O 


H  ^ 

O  ^ 

O  ^ 

hrj  O 

n  L 


12  I  O 

ge  r  ^ 

1 1 1  H 

tH       *  W 

w  ®  fj>- 

H^      *•  • 

»  &  ^ 

S3  2. 

™  ^» 


w  f 

o   k 


§!' 
s  8. 

P  ? 
I  r 

b  ^ 

^q      S 

fca 

21 
S  I 

H       ' 

ba 

H 
5 


FEBRUARY  1,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


57 


THE  NOVICE  AT  NIAGARA. 

AN  exercise  elating 

The  gentle  art  of  skating, 

When  gracefully  gyrating 

Yon  circle  round  the  place, 
To  pretty  partner  prating 
Of  news  not  worth  narrating, 
It  is  most  aggravating 

To  fall  npon  your  face. 

But  then  the  joy  of  whirling, 
Of  twisting  and  of  twirling, 
Let  Scotchmen  sing  of  curling, 

Of  golf,  and  games  like  these, 
I  fly  about  like  winking, 
"  So  swanlike,"  I  am  thinking, 
When,  on  a  sudden  sinking, 

I  'm  down  upon  my  knees. 

As  pale  as  alabaster, 
The  art  I  vow  to  master, 
And,  reckless  of  disaster, 

Once  more  I  will  essay 
To  cut  a  simple  "  figger," 
Which  here  is  quite  de '  'rigger," 
I  try  ; — and  people  snigger 

Who  watch  me  limp  away. 


WHAT'S  IN  A  NAME?— Refer- 
ring to  the  issue  of  a  "  compressed ' ' 
version  of  RIDEK  HAGGABD'S  She, 
at  a  penny,  someone  suggests  as 
a  title  for  the  series  of  which  this 
is  the  first  venture,  "  The  Lie  Dig 
Library."  But  old  GBUMPY  (who 
hates  Penny  Dreadfuls,  Shilling 
Shockers,  Three  -  and  -  sixpenny 
Thrillers,  and  all  shapes  of  what 
he  calls  "  romantic  rubbish  ") 
says  be  thinks  the  two  syllables 
in  "Liebig"  should,  for  this 
purpose,  be  transposed !  Perhaps 
''Pemmican  Pennyworths"  would 
be  better. 


TURKEY  AND  THE  POWER. 

Mr,  Punch.  "WHAT!    You  BXCLUDB  Ms,  WILL  YOU?" 

Sultan.  "On  NO,   MY  DEAK  MR.   PUNCH!    .1  DIDN'T  MEAN  IT  I 

COME  BACK  AGAIN,   AND  I  WON'T  ALLOW  ANY  MOKE  ATBOCITIES  1  " 

["'PUNCH*  EXCLUDED"  FROM  TURKEY. — "  The  English  are  justifiably 
indignant,  &c."— Daily  Chronicle,  January  20.] 


SVENGALrVANTLTO. 

WONDERFUL!  But  ten  minutes 
ago  he  was  Gentleman  Joe,  the 
red-faced,  flaxen-haired  Hansom 
Cabby ;  and  now  he  is  the  pasty- 
faced,  hook-nosed,  black-bearded, 
and  black-haired  Svengali.  None 
can  complain  of  not  getting 
fall  change  for  their  money,  so 
complete  is  the  transformation. 
Gecko,  Taffy,  The  Laird,  Little 
Billee,  have  their  chances  ;  while 
Trilby  herself,  with  the  Baird 
feet,  is  as  near  the  original  as 
anyone  totally  different  from  her 
can  be  when  arrayed  in  a  similar 
costume.  But  all  these  are  details 
of  no  importance.  The  central 
Tree-ilby  figure  is  Svenaali.  The 
travestie  is  introduced.  «  propos 
de  bottes,  a  phrase  most  applicable 
in  the  case  of  "Trilby's  tootsies," 
and  depends  simply  and  solely  on 
Mr.  ABTHUB  ROBEBTS'S  burlesque 
impersonation  of  Du  MAUBIEB'S 
memorable  mesmeriser,  Svengali. 
There  is  not  a  Beerbohmian  trick 
that  Mr.  ARTHTTB  ROBEBTS  has 
not  caught  and  reproduced  to  pre- 
posterously absurd  perfection.  It 
is  a  very  masterpiece  of  burlesque 
imitation,  the  art  of  which  is  im- 
press ?d  on  the  audience  by  his 
suddenly  dropping  it  all,  and 
while  retaining  the  make-up  of 
Svengah,  re-asserting  his  own 
Arthurian  individuality.  Then, 
the  equally  sudden  resumption  of 
the  Svengali  manner  is  admirable. 
Finally,  within  five  minutes  all 
Svengali— &  study  in  black  and 
white— has  disappeared,  and  he 
is  once  again  the  rubicund, 
flaxen-haired  Hansom  Cabman. 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

LAST  week  I  was  extolling  the  pooketable 
library,  by  which  I  mean,  especially,  the 
"  small-pocket  "library,  as  therein  mentioned. 
If  I  omitted  to  particularise,  as  included  in 
my  laudation,  the  red-backed,  prettily  bound, 
and  clearly  typed  series  of  standard  works 
in  prose  and  poetry  published  by  GEOBGE 
KOUTLEDGE  AND  SONS,  it  is  just  because  these 
volumes,  like  the  poor,  are  always  with  me ; 
and  secondly,  because,  on  their  first  appear- 
ance in  public,  I  had  already  given  them 
their  metd  of  praise.  The  volumes  I  have 
enumerated  are  genuinely  "  pocket  volumes," 
i.e.,  volumes  that  can  be,  without  any  incon- 
venience, carried  in  an  ordinary-sized  coat 
pocket.  The  Cassell's  Pocket  Library,  edited 
by  MAX  PEMBEBTON,  may  suit  CASSELL'S 
pocket  (which,  primarily,  it  was  intended  to 
do),  lut  will  not  suit  mine,  nor,  as  I  expect, 
any  coat  pocket  which  already  has  to  carry 
a  cipar-case  and  a  note-book.  The  print  is 
exce.lent,  but  in  the  case  of  The  Paying 
Quest,  by  GEOBGE  GISSING,  the  print  is  better 
than  the  matter  printed ;  for  the  story,  begin- 
ning well,  and  having  a  dramatis  persona; 
artistically  individualised,  soon  becomes  un- 
interesting, and  then  there's  an  end  of  it. 

No.  1  of''  Pierrot's  Library  "  (JOHN  LANE) 
is  a  story  called  Pierrot,  by  H.  DE  VEKE 
BTACPOOLE.  A  weird  yet  pathetic  romance. 
An  idea  such  as  inspired  this  story  might 
have  occurred  to  the  mystic  fancy  of  a  medi- 
tating dreamer  seated  on  a  deserted  terrace 
amid  the  ruins  of  an  old  French  chateau,  as 
he  gazed,  listlessly  at  first,  then  with  a 
curious  interest,  on  two  children,  who,  having 
dropped  their  toys,  were  standing  in  half- 


frightened,  half-amused  puzzlement,  silently 
regarding  the  broken  statue  of  a  faun.  Then 
they  wander  away  into  the  woods,  and  so 
vanish.  Whereupon  John-a-dreams  con- 
ceives the  story  of  the  place.  There  are  only  a 
few  characters  in  it,  but  one  of  them, 
Joniaux,  an  old  Napoleonic  corporal  who  lost 
his  arm  at  Waterloo,  may  remind  some  of 
us,  in  a  sketchy  way,  of  a  certain  English 
veteran  named  Corporal  Trim.  The  French 
used  strange  oaths  in  Flanders.  S;>,  probably, 
did  their  men  at  Waterloo.  It  is  a  fasci- 
nating romance  for  a  spare  couple  of  hours. 

THE  BABON. 


The  Doctor's  Treatment. 

Dubious  Londoner. 
How  will  they  treat  this  "  Dr.  JIM," 
Who  doesn't  return  "  a  winner"  ? 

Hearty  Citizen. 

There's  only  oneway  of  "treating"  him. 
Dubious  Londoner. 

And  that  is  ? 

Hearty  Citizen. 
Give  him  a  dinner  I 
[  They  shake  hands,  and  exeunt. 


NOTE  BY  AN  EABLY  CHBISTIAN  ADMITTED 
BEFOBE  7.30. — If  it  be  true  that  Mr.  WILSON 
BABBETT  is  doing  big  business  with  his 
Early-Christian-Martyr  play,  entitled  The 
Sign  of  the  Cross,  then  for  him  the  legen- 
dary motto,  "  In  hoc  signo  vinces."  will 
soon  bear  an  entirely  new  and  highly  satis- 
factory meaning. 


FROM  A  TRANSYAALIAN  EDITION  OF 

SHAKSPEARE. 

President  Kriiger  soliloquises : — 

all  the  unsettled  humours  of  the 


land, 

Rash,  inconsiderate,  fiery  voluntaries, 
Have  sold  their   fortunes   at  their  native 

homes,  [backs 

Bearing  their  birthrights  proudly  on  their 
To  make  a  hazard  of  new  fortunes  here. 
In  brief,  a  braver  choice  of  dauntless  spirits, 
Than  now  the  English  bottoms  have  waft  o'er, 
Did  never  float  upon  the  swelling  tide, 
To  do  offence  and  scath  in  Christendom. 
*  *  *  * 

How  much  unlook'd-for  is  this  expedition! " 
King  John,  Act  II.,  So.  1. 

Then  he  addresses  the  Chartered  Company, 
substituting  "neighbours"  for  "cousin*  s, 
and  the  plural  for  the  singular,  in  the 
following  lines : — 

"I  have  had  feeling  of  my  neighbours'  wrongs, 
Andlabour'd  all  I  could  to  do  them  right  ('() : 
But  in  this  kind  to  come,  in  braving  arms, 
Be  their  own  carvers,  and  cut  out  their  way, 
To  find  out  right  with  wrong,— it  may  not  be ; 
And  you  that  do  abet  them  in  this  kind, 
Cherish  rebellion." 
King  Richard  the  Second,  Act  II.,  So.  3. 


"MAY  MAGISTBATES  SIT  WITH  CLOSED 
DOOBS  ?  " — Yes,  certainly ;  and  with  closed 
windows,  too,  should  there  happen  to  be  any 
danger  of  a  draught.  Sorely  by  now  the 
question  has  been  sufficiently  ventilated. 
Shut  up. 


58 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  1,  1896. 


"ON    SAFER    GROUND." 

First  Doctor.  "I  ORDERED  HIM  AN  ICE-COLD  BATH  EVERY  MORNING.'' 

Second  Doctor.  "WHAT.  WHEN  HE  HAD  INFLUENZA  I" 

fint  Doctor.  "  YES.    Ir  WILL  GIVE  HIM  PNEUMONIA,  AND  I  MADE  MI  WHOLB  BEPU- 

TATION    CORING  THAT  I  " 


AN  INTERVIEW. 

"Amsz-vous  Paris  f"  was  the  question 
put  to  Miss  MABIE  HALTON  by  the  inevitable 
Parisian  Interviewer,  or,  as  they  sometimes 
tpell  it,  " Inter wiewer,"  which,  if  pronounced 
as  spelt,  might,  to  English  ears  polite,  sound 
like  a  "wooer  "  who  had  interpolated  himself 
between  two  other  "  wooers."  Wisely  did  Miss 
HALTON,  "knowing  the  language,"  reply,  "A 
lafolie!  settlement  fe  luitrouve  un  defaut . . ." 

"  Lequel  f  "  asks  the  Interviewer. 

Then  the  astute  MABIE  sets  her  chance, 
and  replies,  triumphantly,  "Paris  n'est  pas 
en  Amerique  !  " 

No,  it  isn't ;  and  therefore,  as  LOWELL  said, 
' '  Good  Americans,  when  they  die,  go  to  Paris." 


What  a  number  of  good  Americans  there  must 
be  I 

Of  course  Miss  HALTON  turns  out  to  be 
partly  American  and  partly  French :  not  half 
and  half,  as  fractional  portions  must  be  left 
vscmt  for  her  to  fill  up  in  the  course  of  her 
future  tours,  just  as  Mr.  GLADSTONE  suddenly 
discovers  that  he  is  a  Welshman,  a  Yorkshire- 
man,  a  Scotchman,  an  Italian,  or  of  any  other 
nationality  according  to  the  place  and  circum- 
stances of  the  occasion.  It  appears,  acced- 
ing to  the  Interviewer,  that  Miss  HALTON 
played  at  the  Gaiety  in  the  "  Schap  Girl,  de 
Dam  et  Ivan  Caryl."  "  Enough!  Hein! 
Assez  d'interview  !  "  Who  said  this  ?  Any- 
how, the  heroine  of  the  "  Schap  Girl "  seems 
to  have  made  a  hit  in  "  gay  Paree !  " 


JEER,  BOYS,  JEER! 

A  SONG  FOR  THE  ENEMIES  OF  ENGLAND. 

AIR—"  Cheer,  Soys,  Cheer!" 
JEER,  boys,  jeer  I    JOHN  BULL  is  doomed  to 

sorrow. 

Courage !  Events  ceem  shattering  his  sway. 

Jackals  may  share  the  lion's  skin  to-morrow, 

For  some  of  them  try  twisting  the  Lion's 

tail  to-day. 
So  farewell,  England  I  Little  did  we  love  thee, 

Crocodile  tears  alone  your  doom  deplore. 
Eagles  now  squeal,  and  cocks  crow  above  thee, 
So  farewell,  England — farewell  for  ever- 
more 1 
Jeer,  boys,  jeer,  that  poor,  played  out  old 

country  1 

Jeer,  bDys,  jeer !  She  has  foes  on  every  hand. 
Jetr,  boys,  jeerj    Oh!  won't  there  be  fine 

pickings  P 

Jeer,  boys,  jeer !    We  '11  cut  up  the  Happy 
Land! 

Jeer,  boy 8,  jeer  I   Columbia's  Boss  is  "  blow- 
ing," 
Boers  bang  her  badly,  France  flout)  her 

Eist  and  West, 
Wild  WILLIAM'S  Press  thick  mud  at  her  is 

throwing, 
Some  bad  home-birds  take  to  fouling  their 

own  nest. 

Long  has  hate  lurked  with  little  to  reward  it, 
Now  'tis  rare  fun  to  smile  on  England'* 

pain  I 

Ireland  rejoices  when  England's  need  is  sorest. 
Bad  old  Britannia  no  more  shall  rule  the 

main! 
Jeer,  boys,  jeer!   the  proud  old   "Mother 

Country"! 

Jeer,  boys,  jeer !  in  one  big  hostile  band ! 
Jeer,  boys,  jeer!    Oh  I  it  will  be  love' sown 

labour — 

By  no  means  lost — to  cut  up  that  fat  old 
land. 


AN  "EVENING  FROM  HOME."— Look  in  at 
the  Palace  Theatre  of  Varieties,  where,  to 
the  artistically  effective  series  of  "  Living 
Pictures,"  is  added  au  excellent  reoroduc- 
tion  of  Mr.  Punch's  cartoon  "Ready" 
Britannia,  "  a  fine  figure  of  a  woman,"  as 
Mr.  Weller,  Senior,  observed,  evokes  enthu- 
siastic plaudits.  "  The  show  "  at  the  Palace 
Theatre  ought  to  attract  those  who  scruple 
about  going  to  a  theatre,  because,  in  tableaux 
vivants,  only  such  persons  can  possibly  be 
employed  as  ar«  able  to  give  practical  evi- 
dence of  their  "steadiness."  Anyone  at  all 
"shaky  "  would  be  ineligible  as  a  motionless 
statue. 


AN  EXTRA  BIG  D. 

(By  Watson  the  Unparliamentary.} 

[See  the  Purple  East  and  the  Daily  Chronicle  of 
January  25.] 

CALIPH,  I  fear  I  wasn't  up  to  date— 
I  be£  your  pardon  for  that  chean  swear-word, 
It  merged  me  with  the  fish-retailing  herd, 
Who  crowd  the  approach  to  boozy  Billings- 
gale, 

Gregarious   spirit- drinkers,  and   who  state 
Their  choice  opinions,  like  that  well-known 

bird 

The  garden  goose,  whose  voice  is  also  heard 
Tn  pit  or  gallery  with  its  hit  s  of  hate. 
For  in  a  town  where  coster-folk  abound 
Big  d's  are  legion,  people  dash  their  souls 
Until     the     streets    with    expletives    are 

crammed. 

Thee  with  my  purest  sonnet-aureoles 
(My  language  makes  the  air  blue)  have  I 

crowned 
Sulphureously  beyond  all  Sultans -llett! 


FEBRUARY  1,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI, 


59 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

THE'MODEBN  MUBKETEEB'S  SERENADE. 

THE  'grey  old  grange  is  wrapped  in  light, 

All  dark  the  yew-tree  glade. 
Where  in  the  loneliness  of  night 

I  make  my  ambuscade 
Hard  by  the  tower,  whence  the  chime 

Proclaims  the  hour  of  rest, 
And  brings  the  beauty  sleep  of  time 

To  you  within  your  nest. 

Beneath  the  terrace  each  parterre 

Is  silvered  in  the  dew, 
But  not  a  blossom  can  compare 

In  loveliness  with  you. 
The  nightingale  with  trill  and  shake 

Bids  all  my  heart  rejoice —  ; 
Her  melody  could  never  make 

The  music  of  your  voice. 

I  stand  on  guard  to  meet  the  foe 

Who  causes  you  to  weep, 
As  in  the  days  of  long  ago 

A  knight  his  watch  would  keep. 
My  matchlock 's  ready  for  the  fray, 

My  aim  is  quick  and  true ; 
I  '11  stop  the  bold  marauder's  way, 

His  cruelty  he  '11  rue ! 

The  air  is  getting  over- damp, 

The  screech-owl's  cry  is  shrill ; 
I  would  that  I  might  dare  to  stamp, 

My  feet  are  very  chill. 
What's  that?   Bang!   Bang!    Revenue  is 

sweet  I 

Two  bunnies  I  both  are  dead ! 
They  '11  never  more  your  roses  eat, 
Nor  keep  me  from  my  bed. 

Forpive  the  frijfht ! 
Gocd  night !    Good  night ! 
My  lady  love,  good  night ! 


SONG  OF  THE  OVER-RATED  ONE. 

OH,  did  you  never  hear  from  a  (hem  I)  "  Gas 

and  Water  Co.," 
Who  for  their  rates  do  (confound  them !) 

apply  ? 
They    send    their    collector    to   call    ev'ry 

quarter  1  co- 

-er-ci-on  who  does  not  hate  and  defy  P 
You  cannot  treat 
The  charge  derisively, 
He  won't  repeat 
His  call.    Decisively 

Says  that  the  water  and  gas  both  "  will  be 
Cut  off  if  unpaid  for  1 "    The  Briton  so  free 
Must  submit  I    Draw  a  cheque  on  the  L.  and 
C.  B. 


"WOULDN'T  YEK  LIKE  TER  'AVB  ONE  o'  THEM  THINGS,  Lizi  ANN?" 
"No.     I  WOULDN'T  BE  SEEN  ON  ONE.    I  DONT  THINK  THEY'RE  KICK  FOR 


THE  MISSING  MAN. 

t"  In  late  years  we  have  had  too  many  men  honoured  with  a  memorial  in 
WVstminstcr  Abbey.  I  really  only  know  one  man  now  alive  who  ought, 
when  he  dies,  to  be  '  abbeyed.'"— Truth,  January  23,  1896.] 

WHAT  one  man  would  Truth  within  Westminster's  walls  bury  ? 
It  seems  pretty  certain,  'twouldn't  be  *  *  *. 

And  we  think  it  is  not,  from  what  everyone  knows,  very 
Likely  this  paragraph  points  to  Lord  *  *  *. 

'Tis  true  there 's  one  man,  for  whom  Tories'  and  Rads'  tone 
Alike  shows  respect.    It  might  mean  Mr.  *  *  *. 
But  the  fact  is,  the  name  of  the  man  for  the  Abbey 
Isn't  mentioned  through  modesty.    Well?    Yes  it's  *  *  *. 

OBIGIN  OF  A  TITLE.— It  was  a  condition  attached  to  the  earldom 

Ds  LA  WARE,  that  the  heir  to  the  title  should  marry  as  early 

I  in  as  lordly  a  style)  as  possible,  so  that,  gay  and  butterflyish  as 

B  might  be.  he  should  not  elope.    Hence  the  second  title  "  Can't 

Elope,"  in  ancient  English,  having  been  spelt  that  way. 

QUERY.— Mr.  RHODES  is  on  his  way  back  "  to  meet  his  detractors." 
detractors  "  a  misprint  for  ' '  directors  "  ? 


THE  PUGILIST  TO  HIS  ANTAGONIST. 

(Suggest  by  a  couple  of  verse*  in  the  P.  M.  G.,  January  17.) 

HIT  again  and  strike  me,  BILL, — hit  me  on  the  nose ; 
Think  not  of  a  rib  to  break,  think  but  of  the  art ; 
Let  me  see  quite  clear  again,  do  not  let  us  close : 
Come,  let  me  get  near  to  you,  then  the  pair  they  '11  part. 

Bang'd  up  is  one  peeper,  seeing  not  the  light  of  day, 
And  from  out  the  other  one  a  blurring  moisture  drips ; 
We  have  but  to  fill  the  time  until  we  share  the  pay. 
Come  again  and  hit  me,  do,  hit  me  on  the  lips. 

WORK  MUCH    APPRECIATED  AT  WHITSTABLE    AND    COICHFSTER. — 

The  Return  of  the  Native— into  popular  favour. 

MOST  APPROPRIATE  ARRANGEMENT  (as  advertised). — "Season  of 
Matinees,  Daly's  Theatre,  Daily." 

SUBJECT  FOR  A  GRAND  HISTORICAL  PAINTING.— Mother  COLUMBIA 
and  her  ugly  ducklings. 


SWEET   STUFF 
CANDY,  Q.C. 


IN   SILK    FOR   SOUTHAMPTON  ELECTORS.  —  Mr. 


60 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FBBRUABT  1,  1896. 


BEYOND    PRAISE. 

fioscius.  "  BUT  YOU  HAVEN'T  GOT  A  WORD   OF  PRAISE  FOR  ANT- 
ONE.      I     SHOU1D    LIKE    TO     KNOW    WHO     YOU    WOULD     CONSIDER    A 

FINISHED  WRITER?" 
Criticus.  "A  DEAD  ONE,  MY  BOY— A  DEAD  ONE  1" 


CHANNEL  CHIT  CHAT. 

(That  should  be  Overheard  at  Guildhall.) 

["  What  an  opportunity  for  the  City  Companies  to  present  an  ironclad  or 
two  fast  cruisers  to  the  Navy ! " — Pall  Mall  Cfazette.'] 

THB  Cinderella,  with  Admiral  Master  Sir  AUGUSTUS  HARRIS'S 
pennant  flying,  is  worthy  of  the  test  traditions  of  the  Loriners. 

The  Mercers  are  keeping  up  their  reputation  as  Merchant  Adven- 
turers with  the  assistance  of  that  excellent  torpedo-boat  catcher, 
Thomas  of  Acorn,  under  the  command  of  the  LORD  MAYOR. 

The  Drapers  insist  (in  a  spirit  of  drollery)  that  their  fast  schooner, 
the  Gun  Cotton,  is  thimble-rigged.  No  doubt  Mr.  Alderman  GREEN 
will  make  an  excellent  navigating  lieutenant. 

It  showed  much  public  spirit  on  the  part  of  the  Fishmongers  to 
launch  those  punboats,  the  Sole,  Plaice,  Salmon,  Skate,  Mackerel, 
and  Turbot,  officered  from  their  own  members  of  the  livery. 

The  Goldsmiths  have  certainly  produced  a  magnificent  bat  tie- ship 
in  the  shape  of  the  City  Sovereign.  Mr.  Alderman  DAVIS  will  make 
the  best  of  captains. 

The  Skinners  have  named  their  despatch-b*>at  most  appropriately 
the  Eel.  It  will  be  ready  for  eea  when  Mr.  Alderman  FAUDEL 
PHILLIPS  comes  on  board. 

The  Merchant  Taylors  are  calling  the  armed  cruiser  they  are  busy 
building,  the  Coat  of  Mail. 

The  Haberdashers  have  done  good  service  by  placing  their  harbour- 
defence  ship,  the  Chest  Protector,  at  Portsmouth. 

****** 

And  yet  this  sort  of  thing  was  done  two  hundred  and  thirty  years 
ago  I 

Quite  so.  What  was  thought  expedient  in  1665,  is  no  less 
necessary  in  1896. 

To  be  rare!  And  after  all,  it  is  acting  with  common  sense. 
The  City  Fleet  will  preserve  the  City  commerce.  Trade  follows  the 
flag,  so  the  protection  of  the  flag  is  simply  a  matter  of  business.  By 
increasing  the  Navy,  the  City  merely  enlarges  its  powers  of  insurance. 
So  three  cheers  for  the  Corporation's  Armada  ! 


LORD    LEIGHTON, 

The  President  of  the  Sot/al  Academy,  died  January  25, 1896,  in  his  66th  year. 
His  last  words  were,  "My  love  to  the  Academy ! " 

A  LIFE  of  high  Art-love  and  lofty  aims, 

Crowned  both  with  fortune's  laurel  and  with  fame's, 

Passes,  for  love  too  soon. 
Yet  honour-crowded  moments  make  true  life, 
Not  empty  length  of  years,  ignoble  strife, 

Or  Mammon's  sordid  boon. 

Lately  ennobled,  and  now  lost !    'Tia  ead  I 
Yet  the  far  dream  of  the  ambitious  lad, 

In  the  accomplished  iran, — 
Artist  and  scholar,  orator  refined, 
Chivalrous  courtier,  graced  in  mould  and  mind, 

True  Crichton  of  Art's  clan, — 

"Was  well  fulfilled.    To  classic  beauty  vowed, 
He  stooped  not  to  the  market.    Art  is  proud 

Of  him  whose  latest  breath 
Spake  love  for  her.  at  dying  pain's  sharp  cost. 
Love  she  returns,  knowing  what  she  hath  lost 

By  FREDERIC  LEIGHTON'S  death. 


"LE  SPORT"  IN  THE  BASSES 

DETERMINED  on  having  day  with  hounds.  Went  to  manege. 
Hired  animal  that  had  once  been  a  horse.  It  belonged,  I  should 
say,  to  era  of  first  NAPOLEON,  when  it  might  have  done  duty  as 
charger  during  Peninsular  War.  Proprietor  described  it  as  "a 
reasoned  horse."  It  struck  me  as  "a  many-seasoned  horse." 
Climbed  up.  Seated  myself  on  b.ck  of  this  splendid  ruin.  Pro- 
ceeded to  the  meet.  Arrived.  Felt 
myself  elevated  and  statuesque. 
Find  we  are  to  hunt  strong  dead 
herring  instead  of  crafty,  lively 
fox  Have  to  wait  some  time,  as 
Whipper-in  assures  me  that  beau- 
coup  de  monde  are  expected. 
Beaucoup  de  monde  don't  come. 
At  length  we  move  off.  Hounds 
are  laid  on  (sounds  like  the  gas  or 
the  water,  this,  but  sporting,  never- 
theless) in  a  small  paddock,  where 
paysan  proprietaire,  accompanied 
by  a  half-bred  sheep-dog,  is  pre- 
pared to  receive  cavalry.  Noticing, 
however,  that  he  is  armed  with  a 
two-pronged  fork,  we  do  not  wait  to  exchange  felicitations.  Note.— 
The  Basques,  although  a  happy  and  contented,  are  U9t  a  sporting  race. 

We  speed  across  paddock,  scrambling  over  formidable  stone  wall, 
nearly  eighteen  inches  high,  into  a  lane.  Up  this  we  gallop  at  head- 
long pace.  Farther  progress  blocked  by  good  pay  sans,  who,  in  their 
earnest  desire  to  stop  hunting,  have  dragged,  from  a  cottage  hard 
by,  a  bedstead,  two  chairs,  and  a  table :  these,  supplemented  by 
wire  rope  and  donkey- cart,  form  barricade  across  lane.  We  swerve 
aside  and  ride  on  recklessly ;  like  Lihzow's  wild  jager,  "  a  hunting 
we  go "  (without  music),  across  a  country  of  ravine,  common,  and 
cabbage- stalks,  until  my  own  career  is  ruthlessly  cut  short  through 
the  heirloom  I  am  bestriding  falling  over  a  fence  into  a  melon-frame. 

M.  le  proprietaire  emerges  from  cottage.    He  says  things.    Seems 
quite  excited,  and  doesn't  appear  to  care  for  le  sport.    He  works 
himself  up  into  such  a  state  of  loquacity  that  he  executes  a  sort  of 
savage  dance,  during  which  he  heedlessly  approaches  the  eouth- 
western  corner  of  my  cheval  de  chasse.    Animal  gives  casual  glance 
round,  and  I  note  an  expression  in  his  starboard  eye  which  bodes  ill 
somebody.  I  essay  to  warn  M.  le  proprietaire  in  my  very  best  French. 
He  ignores  my  best  French,  and  employs  the  worst  possible  French, 
directed  towards  me.    In  his  wrath  he  inadvertently  draws  quit 
near  the  dangerous  corner  of  prehistoric  steed.  For  once  the  expectei 
happens.    Expected  by  me,  unexpected  by  him.    The  Expected  I 
fxpected  takes  the  form  of  a  double-barrelled-extra-high-presBur 
drive  from  both  heels  of  prehistoric  quadruped  accurately  directed 
at  the  nearest  available  spot  on  the  body  of  M.  le  proprietaire.    i 
crash  1    Not  of  bones  but  glass.    Mister  the  proprietor  has  goni 
backwards  into  one  of  his  own  melon- frames.    Here  he  sits  in  tr 
shape  of  a  "  V,"  his  head  out  one  side  and  his  legs  upwards  on  II 
other,  as  helpless  as  a  Ponch-doll  doubled  up  in  his  box.    Finding 
myself,  fortunately,  still  in  the  saddle,  I  urge  the  prehistoric 
greater  efforts :  in  a  few  minutes,  at  all  events  long  before  Miste: 
the  proprietor  has  extricated  himself  from  his  "  glass  with  care,    i 
are  on  the  high  road.  .  .  .    Safely  returned  to  stable.    Say,  pati 
nuingly,  "  Pas  mal  ce  cheval"  (which  has  a  touch  of  poetry  in  it), 
and  am  discreetly  silent  as  to  the  incident  of  Mister  the  proprietor  and 
the  melon-frame.    The  next  day  I  quit  the  locality,  omitting  I 
leave  my  address.    Like  the  wily  Reynard,  I  am  "  Gone  away ! 


FEBRUARY  8,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAKIVARI. 


61 


ADELPHI    ADOLLIFIED. 


Court-martial  trying  the  Doilinquent. 

TOOK  DOLLY  to  see  One  of  the  Best.  When  I  do  take  her  to  the 
theatre  I  always  choose  one  of  the  best.  But  this  at  the  AdeJphi  is 
One  of  the  Best  par  excellence,  or  rather  par  Masters 
SEYMOTJB  HICKS  and  GEOBGEY  EDTVABDES.  "Bravo 
'ICKS!"  which,  as  I  learn  from  iheatrical  tradition, 
was  the  form  of  approbation  bestowed  on  a  certain 
melodramatic  actor:  "which,"  a*  Mrs.  Gamp  might 
eay,  "  coupled  with  the  nam«  of  HEDWABDES,  I  drinks 
with  love  and  tenderness."  Memturs  GATTI  are  fortu- 
nate in  having  obtained  so  telling  a  show  for  their 
puppets  just  at  this  moment,  and  have  shown  them- 
selves genuine  diplomatists  in  securing  an  "  armed 
piece."  As  a  military  drama,  it  is  of  uniform  excel- 
lence throughout :  artistically  constructed ;  on  old  lines, 
and  there  are  none  better.  It  has  a  court-martial  scene 
that  recalls  the  famous  naval  one  in  Black-eyed  Susan 
(which,  by  the  way,  was  itself  taken  from  a  military 
French  piece),  followed  by  a  most  rainfully  realistic 
and  intensely  effective  scene  of  an  officer's  degradation 
never  before,  as  I  believe,  Been  on  the  English  stage. 
The  play,  with  its  marches,  drills,  counter-marches, 

drummers,  eecerals,  colonels,  and  so  forth,  has  been  T°y  Soldier ;  or,  the  Present 
"produced,"  sajs  the  playbill,  "under  the  stage  direc-  Sentry. 

tion  of  Mr.  FBED  G.  LA- 
THAM," who  has  shown  such 
proficiency  in  soldiering, 
that,  should  war  break  out, 
the  Government  will  not 
hesitate  to  appoint  him 
General  Commander  -  in - 


serv'crs  given  gratuitously.    That  Mr.  ABINGDON,  as  the  wicked 
puppet  of  the  show,  is  first-rate  goes  without  saying. 

As  for  his  companion  in  crime,  the  puppet  entitled 
M.  Jules  de  Gruchy  ("  Jules"  was  safe  when  the  col- 
laborators, in  godfathering  a  French  puppet,  had  to 

decide     "'what.    tViP   Henna  tViov     oVmnl/1    nail     Viirv,  V»\     ;a 


Chief  "  under  the  personal  \  to  look  prettily  interesting, 
supervision  of  the  authors"  \  and  to  act  sympathetically, 
who  will  represent  the  War 


what  the  deuce  they  should  call  him  ?  ")  is 
again  "one  of  the  best"  Frenchmen,  »fter  Mons. 
MABITTS,  ever  seen  on  the  English  stage.  His  is  a  very 
perfect  performance ;  and  the  part,  small  but  impor- 
tant, stands  out  in  bold  relief. 

All  the  toy  soldiers  are  also  "  of  the  best,"  nay,  "  of 
the  very  best."  The  country  is  safe  so  long  as  Lieut.- 
General  CHABLES  FULTON,  Sir  ABCHIBALD  SASS,  K.C.B., 
A.D.C.  (was  he  an  "  A.D.C."  at  Cambridge?  if  so,  the 
Amateur  Dramatic  Club  has  to  be  congratulated  on  its 
training),  and  President  CABTEB,  of  the  court-martial, 
with  the  other  distinguished  (but  nameless)  officers,  are 
in  command. 

Another  "of  the  best "  is  the  doll  styled  Jason  Jupp. 
the  gay  and  grumpy  old  villager,  a  "  bit  of  character  " 
for  which  the  make-up  and  acting  of  Mr.  ATHOL  FOBDE 
will  be  mem- 
orable. 
As  the  wicked  heroine, 

Miss  HENBIETTA  WATSON 

acts  this  Countess  Zicka- 

like  part  in  a  manner  that 

foreshadows  the  career  of 

aPATBiCK  CAMPBELL.  Miss 

EDITH  OSTLEBE  has  only 


Office.  So  much  for  the 
show  and  the  showmen,  and 
now  for  the  puppets;  the 
Adelphi  Dolls. 

My  DOLLY  was  delighted 
with  Mr.  TEBBISS,  quite 
"No.  1  Adelphi  Terriss." 
A  type  of  the 


,"  Two  to  cne  on  him." 

manly,  bluff  soldier  or  sailor,  who  would  scorn  to  commit 
any  action  that  was  not  the  purest,  the  noblest,  and  the 
best !  In  this  piece  he  has  something  to  do,  a  lot  to 
think,  plenty  to  express  facially,  and  not  so  very  much 
to  say.  Facta  non  verba  is  puppet  TEBBISS'S  motto  as 
Dudley  Keppel. 

Then,  as  to  the  villain  puppet.  Philip  Ellsworth, 
"owner  of  Market  Witton  Saw  Mills,"— which  business 
bein  g  "  up  "  on  e  day  and  ' '  down ' '  the  next,  may  be  termed 
"the  See-saw  Mills,"— certainly,  if  Mr.  TEBBISS  is  "one 
of  the  best,"  then  is  Mr.  ABINGDON  "one  of  the  worst." 
At  his  best  when  at  his  worst.  Once  a  villain,  always  a 
'illain.  Why  is  it  that,  once  accepted  by  the  public  as 
the  representative  bad  man  of  the  deepest  dye,  neither 
Mr.  ABEKGDON,  nor  anyone  else  with  the  professional 
curse  upon  him,  can  ever  again  hope  to  appear  with 
success  as  the  virtuous  and  self-sacrificing  lover,  or  the 
benevolent  friend  ?  As  salaried  villain  he  is  worth,  pro- 
fessionally, untold  gold ;  as  a  virtuous  person,  peasant  or 
gentleman,  a  manager  would  risk  much  who  accepted  his 


The  Not  Dudley  Blow. 


which  she  does  as  "  one  of 

the  best."  "  Did  you  never 

hear  of  KATE  KEABNEY  ?  " 

She  plays  the  Irish  Land- 
lady, also  as  "one  of  the 

best." 
Finally,     Mr.    HA  KEY 

NICHOLLS  as  Private  Jupp, 
with  his  sweet- 
heart Miss  YANE  FEATHEBSTON  as  Kitty  Spencer,  are 
between  them  the  life  and  soul  of  the  piece.  As  the 
Cockney  soldier  of  "The  2cd  Highlanders,"  HABBY 
NICHOLLS  is  "  kilt  entirely  "  but  quite  unconquered.  He 
takes  the  Scotch  cake.  Rarely,  except  when  he  was  in 
an  office  as  a  lawyer's  clerk  (in  a  Drury  Lane  melodrama) 
always  wanting  to  go  out  to  lunch,  have  I  seen  him  more 
thoroughly  amusing  than  as  Private  Jupp.  His  hnmour 
is  so  quiet :  he  is  Private— and  confidential.  He  has 
only  to  glance  silly  at  the  audience  to  set  them  in  a  roar. 
A  genuine  comedian  in  the  truest  and  best  sense. 
Yes,  there  are  very  few  parts  in  the  wide  range  of  light 
and  low  comedy,  and  burlesque,  that  he  could  not  play 
to  perfection.  With  a  good  dramatic  s^ory  and  HABBY 
NICHOLLS  for  the  relief,  dramatists  and  manager  may 
rest  contented. 


Dudley  and  Dolly. 


CAVE  UBSTJM:! — According  to  latest  intelligence  from 
St.  Petersburg  the  bloated  Turkey  is  likely  to  be  boiled 
down  into  Bear's  Greece. 


VOL.  ex. 


62 


PUNCH  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  8,  1896. 


THE    COMPACT. 


Mephistopheles  ("&fa  Eusse").  "  BUT  MAKE 

THE  coMPicr,  AND  AT  ONCB  I  'LL  UNDERTAKE 

To   CHARM  YOU  WITH   MINB  ARTS   .... 

BUT  ONE  THING  ! — ACCIDENTS   MAY   H4PPEN,    HBNCK 

A  LINB  OR  TWO  IN   WRITING  GRANT  I  PRAY." 


Faust  (  "  A  la  Turqiie").    'A  WRITING,  PEDANT,  DOST  DEMAND 

FROM   MB  ? 

A  FORMAL  DBED,    WIIH   SEiL  AND   SIGNATURE  1 
Is'T  NOT  ENOUGH  THAT  BY  MY  WORD   ALONE 

I  PLEDGE  MY  INTEREST?"  —  Goethe'  s  Faust. 

said  that  between 


"  It  should  be  clearlf  understood  that  no  writteo  compact  as  yet  exists  b3tween  Euwia  and  Turkey  .....  The  SULTAN  ....  sai 
i  jh  friends  as  himself  and  the  TSAR  written  engagements  were  superfluous."—"  Our  Own  Correspondent,"  "  Times,"  January  31. 


FEBRUARY  8,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


63 


WELL   WORTH    IT,    TOO! 

Nervous  M.  F.  H.  (to  his  Huntsman],  "  SEND  HIM  AT  IT,  GOSLING  I     THEBE  's  A  Sov.  FOB  YOU  IP  THE  TOP  BAB  GOBS  I ' 


NELSON  EAST  OP  TEMPLE  BAB. 

(A  Page  from  the  Diary  of  a  Future  Lord  Mayor.) 

Monday.— Yesterday's  rumour  justified.  War  is  proclaimed.  Put 
('fit  all  business  of  a  civilan  character  to  a  more  convenient  opportunity. 
Pasted  placard  on  the  Mansion  House,  giving  news  to  the  public,  and 
desired  the  immediate  presence  of  the  City  Marshal.  That  worthy 
official  answered  my  inquiries  with  "ready,  aye  ready."  Accom- 
panied by  the  Sheriffs,  took  command  (at  Dover),  of  the  City  Fleet. 
S.)  much  occupied  that  I  have  scarcely  time  to  make  this  entry. 

Tuesday. — Yery  well  satisfied  with  the  Squadron.  My  battle-ship, 
The  Snapping  Turtle,  with  my  pennant  flying,  heads  the  flotilla. 
My  gallant  secretary  acts  as  navigating- lieutenant.  The  City 
Marshal  controls  the  marines.  The  Sheriffs  are  responsible  for 
their  respective  commands.  They  are  signalling  to  one  another  from 
the  decks  of  their  respective  ironclads,  The  Gog  and  The  Magog. 
The  Aldeimen  who  have  passed  the  chair  are  the  captains  of  the 
first  oivision  ;  those  who  have  not  are  the  chief  officers  of  the 
second.  The  Recorder  (assisted  by  the  Common  Serjeant)  is  most 
useful  in  his  despatch  boat,  The  C.  C.  C.,  in  acting  as  a  police 
patrol.  Not  that  his  services  are  really  required,  as  the  patriotism  of 
the  Liverymen  prevents  an  attempt  at  desertion.  Spent  the  entire 
diy  in  getting  things  ship-shape.  From  what  I  see  I  believe  I  shall 
be  able  to  give  a  good  account  of  the  enemy— when  I  meet  him. 
No  more  time  for  writing. 

Wednesday.— Held  a  council  of  war  in  The  Snapping  Turtle. 
rreeent  the  Sheriffs,  the  Aldermen,  the  Recorder,  the  Common 
Serjeant,  the  City  Chamberlain,  the  City  Marshal,  the  Common 
^rier,  and  the  Sword  Bearer.  Made  a  little  speech,  which  was 
received  with  enthusiasm.  Congratulated  the  Corporation  on  taking 
the  hint  of  the  public  Press  in  fitting  out  and  officering  a  City  Fleet. 
No  doubt  other  orations  would  have  followed  had  not  proceedings 
been  interrupted  by  the  report  (a  false  one)  that  the  enemy  was  in 
sight.  Beat  to  quarters.  Every  man  in  his  place.  The  Common 
Uouncillors  (in  their  mazarine  gowns)  at  the  guns.  Every  ship  had 
a  company  beadle  acting  as  boatswain.  Manoeuvred  for  some  time. 


Then,  pursued  by  a  gale,  took  refuge  in  the  Downs.  In  consequence 
of  the  stormy  weather,  banquet  proposed  at  the  morning's  council  of 
war  postponed  indefinitely.  Have  to  drop  my  pen  to  take  com- 
mand of  ihe  midnight  watch. 

Thursday. — Spent  the  day  in  torpedo  practise.  Converted  river 
steamboats  very  sure,  if  rather  slow.  The  adapted  City  barges  make 
excellent  floating  batteries.  Surprised  to  find  they  carry  their  eight- 
inch  armour  so  easily.  City  Marshal  most  usefully  employed  in 
training  his  new  cavalry,  the  Mounted  Marines.  The  Common  Crier 
has  very  properly  exchanged  his  mace  for  a  revolver,— an  example 
that  has  been  followed  (so  far  as  the  circumstances  of  the  case 
admitted)  by  the  Sword  Btarer.  Everyone  in  good  spirits.  General 
engagement  expected  to-morrow.  No  more  leisure  f<>r  scribbling. 

Friday.— Glorious  victory!  Met  the  enemy  off  Herne  Bay. 
Evidently  the  foe  were  attempting  to  obtain  possession  of  the 
Reculvers.  My  flagship,  The  Snapping  Turtle,  rammed  ironclad 
commanded  by  the  enemy's  admiral— I  fancy  his  vessel  was  called 
The  Bumptious — most  successfully.  Both  The  Gog  and  The  Magog 
distinguished  themselves.  The  Mounted  Marines  (under  the  City 
Marshal)  carried  out  one  of  the  most  dashing  cavalry  charges  on 
record,  jumping  from  ship  to  ship  with  perfectly  marvellous  agility. 
The  Town  Clerk  most  nseful  in  his  torpedo-boat  destroyer.  The 
gallant  C.  C.  C.  (with  the  Recorder  on  board)  saved  lives  of  drown- 
ing opponents.  As  the  enemy  used  common  powder— instead  of  our 
smokeless  variety— could  see  very  little  of  the  course  of  events. 
However,  am  satisfied  that  I  am  right  in  describing  the  day's  doings 
as  a  triumph ! 

Saturday.— Quite  right  I  "We  did  win  I  Only  time  to  record  that 
my  signal,  "  England  has  not  expected  in  vain  the  City  of  London  to 
do  its  duty,"  was  received  with  the  greatest  enthusiasm. 


A  BITTER  DISAPPOINTMENT. — A  cyclist  stopping  beside  Sir  HENRY 
MBUX'S  Temple  Bar  at  Theobalds,  in  the  hope  of  getting  a  pint  of  ale. 

AN  ACTOR  WHO  BRINGS  THE  WATER  MEADOWS  OVER  THE  FOOT- 
LIGHTS.— Mr.  BROOKFIEID. 


64 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  8,  1896. 


JOTTINGS   AND   TITTLINGS. 

(By  BABOO  HUBBY  BUNQSHO  JABBEBJKE,  B.A.) 

No.  IV. 

Containing  Mr.  Jabberfee's  Impressions  at  The  Old  Masters. 

I  HAVE  the  honour  to  report  that  the  phantom  of  delight  has 
recently  recommenced  to  dance  before  me.  Miss  JESSIMINA 
MANKLETOW,  the  perfumed,  moony- faced  daughter  of  the  gracious 
and  eagle-eyed  goddess  who  presides  over  the  select  boarding  es- 
tablishment in  which  I  am  resident  member,  has  of  late  emerged 
from  the  shell  of  superciliousness,  and  brought  the  beaming  eye  of 
encouragement  to  bear  upon  my  diffidence  and  humility.  This  I 
partly  attribute  to  general  impression— which  I  do  not  condescend  to 
deny— that,  at  home,  I  occupy  the  social  status  of  a  Rajah,  or  some 
analogous  kind  of  big  native  pot. 

So,  on  a  recent  Saturday  afternoon,  she  invited  me  to  escort  her  and 
a  similar  young  virginal  lady  friend, 
by  name  Miss  PBISCILLA  PBIMMETT,  to 
Burlington  House,  Piccadilly,  and,  as 
Prince  Hamlet  appositely  remarks, 
"  Look  here  upon  this  picture  and  on 
this."  Which  I  joyfully  accepted, 
being  head- over-heel*  in  love  with 
Art,  and  the  possessor  of  two  mag- 
nificent coloured  photo -lithographs, 
representing  a  steeplechase  in  the  act 
of  jumping  a  trench,  and  a  water- 
nymph  in  the  very  decollete  undress  of 
"  puris  naturalibus,"  weltering  on  a 
rushy  bed. 

We  proceeded  thither  upon  the 
giddy  summit  of  a  Royal  Oak  omni- 
bus, and  on  arriving  in  the  vestibulum, 
were  peremptorily  commanded  to 
undergo  total  abstinence  from  our 
umbrellas. 

Being  accompanied  by  the  span-new 
silken  affair  with  the  golden  head, 
which,  as  I  have  narrated  supra,  I 
was  so  lucky  to  obtain  promiscuously 
after  witnessing  the  Adelohi  of  the 
Westminster  college  boys,  I  naturally 
protested  vehemently  against  such 
arbitrary  and  tyrannical  regulations, 
urging  the  risk  of  my  unprotected 
umbrella  being  feloniously  abduoted 
during  unavoidable  absence  by  some 
unprincipled  and  illegitimate  claimant. 

But.  alack !  I  was  confronted  with 
the  official  ultimatum  and  sine  qua 
won,  and  have  subsequently  learnt 
that  the  cause  of  this  self-denying 
ordinance  is  due  to  the  uncontrollable 
enthusiasm  of  British  Public  for  works 
of  art,  which  leads  them  to  signify 
approbation  by  puncturing  innumera- 
ble orifices  by  dint  of  sticks  or 
umbrellas  in  the  jn-oceea  of  pointing 
out  tit-bits  of  painting,  and  on  ac- 
count of  the  detrimental  influence  on 
the  marketable  value  of  pictures  thus 
distinguished  by  the  plerophory  of  the  Vox  Populi. 

Nevertheless,  my  heart  was  oppressed  with  many  misgivings  at 
having  to  hand  over  three  hostage  umbrellas— one  being  masculine 
and  two  feminine  gender — and  receiving  nothing  in  exchange  but  a 
wooden  medallion  of  no  intrinsic  worth,  bearing  the  utterly  dispro- 
portionate number  of  over  one  thousand!  Next,  after,  at  Miss 
JESSIMINA'S  bidding,  having  purchased  a  sixpenny  index,  we 
ascended  the  staircase,  and  on  shelling  out  three  shillings  cash 
payment,  were  consecutively  pqueezed  through  a  restricted  wicket 
as  if  needles  going  through  the  eye  of  a  camel. 

I  will  vouchsafe  to  aver  that  my  interior  sensations  on  penetrating 
the  first  gallery  were  those  of  acute  and  indignant  disappointment, 
tor  will  it  be  credited  that  a  working  majority  of  the  exhibits  were 
second,  or  even  third  and  fourth-hand  mechanisms  of  an  unparagoned 
dingitude,  and  fit  only  for  the  lumbering  room  ? 

Perhaps  I  shall  be  told  that  this  wintry  exhibition  is  a  mere  stopgap 
and  makeshift,  until  a  fresh  supply  of  bright  new  paintings  can  be 
procured,  and  that  it  is  ultra  vires  to  obtain  such  for  love  or  money 
before  the  merry  month  of  May.  Still  I  must  persist  in  denouncing 
the  penny  wisdom  and  pound  foolery  of  the  Academicals  in  foisting  off 
upon  the  public  such  ancient  and  fish-like  articles  that  have  long  ceased 
to  be  ban  ton  and  in  the  fashion,  f ince  it  is  undeniable  that  many  are 
over  fifty  years,  and  some  several  centuries  behind  the  times ! 


"  Miss  Jeasimina  Mankletow. 


It  is  to  be  hoped  that  these  parsimonious  Misters  will  soon  recog- 
nise that^it  is  not  possible  for  modern  up-to-date  Art  to  be  floresoent 
under  this  retrograde  and  fossilized  system,  and  be  warned  that  such 
untradesmanlike  goings-on  will  deservedly  forfeit  the  confidence  and 
patronage  of  their  most  fastidious  customers. 

Miss  JESSTMINA  remarked  more  than  once  that  such  and  such  a 
picture  was  not  in  her  taste  and  she  would  never  have  chosen  it 
personally,  while  Miss  PBIMMETT  declared  that  she  would  not  have 
had  her  likeness  taken  by  Hon'ble  Sir  JOSH  GAINSBOKO,  or  Misters 
VELASKY  and  VANDICK,  not  even  if  they  implored  her  on  their 
bended  marrowbones,  and  that,  as  for  a  certain  individual  effemi- 
nately named  ETTT,  it  was  a  wonderment  to  her  how  respectable 
people  could  stand  in  front  of  such  brazen  performances  I  These 
remarks  are  trivial,  perhaps,  but  even  straws  will  serve  as  cocks  of 
the  weather  on  occasions,  and,  moreover,  I  shall  certify;  that  the  most 
general  tone  was  of  a  critical  and  disapproving  severity,  and  it  was 
quite  evident  that  the  greater  portion  of  the  spectators  could  have 
done  the  job  better  themselves. 

A  certain  Mister  TTJBNEB  came  in 
for  the  BENJAMIN'S  mess  of  obloquy, 
having  represented  Pluto,  the  god  of 
wealth,  in  the  act  of  carrying  off  a 
female  Proserpine,  but  the  figures  so 
Lilliputian,  and  in  such  a  dispropor- 
tionate expansion  of  confused  sceneries, 
that  the  elopement  produced  but  a 
very  paltry  impression.  The  slipshod 
carelessness  of  this  painter  may  be 
realised  from  the  fact  that  in  a  com- 
position styled  "  Slue  Lights  to  Warn 
Steamboats  off  Shoal  Water,"  the  blue 
lights  are  conspicuous  by  their  total 
absence,  and  the  mistiness  of  the  at- 
mospherical conditions  renders  it  diffi- 
cult to  distinguish  either  the  steamers 
or  the  shoals  with  even  tolerable 
accuracy  I 
In  the  ulterior  room  were  sundry 

E reductions  from  Umbrian  and  Mi- 
mese  and  other  schools,  such  being 
presumptively  the  teaching  establish- 
ments over  which  Hon'ble  REYNOLDS 
and  TUBNEB  and  GRETIZI  and  Co.  pre- 
dominated as  Old  Masters.  But  surely 
it  is  unfair,  and  like  seething  a  kid  in 
the  maternal  nutriment,  to  class  such 
crude  and  hobbardj  hoy  performances 
with  works  by  more  senile  hands ! 

Here  I  observed  a  painting  to  illus- 
trate scenes  in  the  life  of  an  important 
celebrity,  who  was  childishly  repre- 
sented many  times  over  having  sepa- 
rate adventures  in  the  space  of  a  few 
square  feet,  and  of  a  Brobdingnacian 
bulkiness  compared  to  his  perspective 
turroun dings.  Had  this  been  the  work 
of  an  Indian  artist,  native  gentlemen 
out  there  would  simply  have  smiled 

S'tiably  at  such  ignorance,  and  given 
m  the  gentle  admonishment  that  he 
was  only  to  make  a  fool  of  himself  for 
his  pains.  There  was  also  a  picture  of 
a  Diptych,  in  two  portions,  with  a 
background  of  gilt,  but  the  figure  of  the  Diptych  himself  very 
poorly  represented  as  an  anatomy. 

Where  all  is  so  so-so,  and  below  par,  it  is  perhaps  invidious  to 
single  out  any  for  hon'ble  mention ;  but  loyalty  as  a  British  subject 
obliges  me  to  speak  favourably  of  a  concern  lent  by  Her  Majesty  the 
QUEEN,  and  representing  a  bombastical  youth  engaged  in  a  snip- 
snap  with  a  meek  and  inoffensive  schoolfelloWj  who  supports  himseli 
on  one  leg,  and  is  occupied  in  sheltering  his  nose  behind  his  arm, 
until  his  widow*  d  and  aged  mother  can  arrive  to  rescue  her  beloved 
offspring  from  his  grave  crisis. 

This  at  least  can  be  commended  as  being  true  to  nature,  as  I  can 
attest  from  personal  experience  of  similar  boyish  loggerheads, 
although,  owing  to  preserving  my  sangfroid,  I  was  generally  able  to 

*  i»  •  j  l  i_ 1 I  J^X—   .£_A_U     n«M**«4-w*    «.-£     *hl**%Aba*ttf> 


rapidity  from  vicinity  of  shocking 
kicks  by  my  truculent  assailant. 

Also  a  subject,  by  late  Hon'ble  REYNOLDS,  of  a  student  who,  ai 
Miss  JESSIMINA  informed  me,  viva  voce,  from  the  guide-book,  was 
"  supposed  to  be  a  portrait  of  Master  BBOWN."  I  will  not  allege  that 
it  is  as  like  as  two  peas  to  the  Mister  BROWN  of  Westbourne  Grove, 
of  whom  I  have  lately  commanded  a  pair  of  patent  leathers,  but,  now 
constat  that  it  may  not  be  a  correct  representation  of  him  in  his 
statu  pupillari  period,  so  I  will  bestow  upon  it  the  benefit  of  a 
doubt. 


FEBRUARY  8,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI, 


63 


Let  me 'not  omit  to  mention  a  painting  of  "  Polichinelle"  by  "a 
Gallic  artist,  which]  Miss  PRIMMETT  said  was  the  French  equivalent 
to  Punch.  At  which,  speaking  loudly  for  instruction  of  bystanders, 
I  assured  them,  as  one  familiarly  connected  with  Hon'ble  Punch, 
who  regarded  me  as  a  son,  such  a  portrait  was  the  very  antipode  to 
his  majestic  lineaments,  nor  was  it  reasonable  to  suppose  that  he 
would  allow  his  counterfeit  presentment  to  be  depicted  in  the  un- 
dignified garbage  of  a  buffoon ! 

I  trust  that  I  may  be  gratefully  remembered  by  my  Liege  Lord, 
and  that  he  will  be  gracious  enough  to  entertain  me  favourably  with 
something  in  the  shape  of  prize  or  bonus  in  reward  for  such  open 
testimony  as  the  above. 

I  have  only  to  add  that  the  custodian  preserved  the  inviolability  cf 
our  umbrellas  with  honorable  fidelity,  and  that  we  moistened  the 
drooping  clay  of  our  internal  tenements  at  an  Aerated  Tea  Company 
with  a  profusion  of  confectionaries,  for  which  my  fair  friends  with 
amiable  blindness  permitted  me  the  privilege  of  forking  out. 

THE  WARES  OP  TATJTOLOGUS. 
"BREAKFAST  AT  A  COFFEE-STALL," 

SAITH  Sir  John  Falstaff—  robustious,  corpulent  eques — to  Prince 
Hal,  "  0,  thou  hast  damnable  iteration  1 "  and  the  Post  Meridiem 
Gazette's  numberless  perusers  turning  to  the  wares  of  their  faithful, 
humble  TAUTOLOGUS,  doubtless  exclaim,  "  0,  thou  hast  delectable 

iteration  I "  For  hath  he  not 
described  countless  times  in 
constantly  varying  style  How 
the  crocus  in  early  spring 
bursteth  through  terra  fir  ma, 
How  doves  circle  about  St. 
Paul's  dome  and  strut  in  the 
cathedral  yard,  How  the  cross- 
ing-sweeper sweepeth,  How 
the  wealthy  dine,  lunch,  sup — 
et  hoc  genus  omne  f  And  shall 
he  not  make  friends  acquainted 
with  his  methods  of  preparing 
these  feasts  literarum — Sarda- 
napalian  word  banquets? 
Verily  yea.  Know  then  that 
TAUTOLOGUS  hath  little  sack 
fall  of  assorted  epithets,  quo- 
tations— not  too  hackneyed — 
from  classics,  slightest  sprink- 
ling, or  minimum  quantity,  of 
definite  article,  plentiful  supply 
of  dashes,  brackets,  commas 
(inverted),  notes  of  interroga- 
tion and  eke  exclamation. 
Stirring  up  these  main  ingre- 
dients ne  produceth  essay  not, 
he  hopeth,  unworthy  his  Elian 
predecessor. 

^  is  TAUTOLOGUS  altogether  unassisted  in  his  labours  at  the 
sign  of  "  The  Wares."  Mrs.  T.  discourseth  not  seldom,  with  delicate 
fascinating  touch  of  lettered  feminine  hand,  upon  world-absorbing 
topics  such  as  "  Chickens  and  Hens,"  "  Geese  and  Foxes,"  "  Backs," 
"  Socks,"  "  Silk,"  and  "  Slippers."  'Tis  no  idle  flattery  to  pro- 
nounce her  effusions  not  second  to  those  of  your  obedient,  obsequious 
servant  himself.  Revert  we  now  to  title  of  present  article,  "Break- 
fast at  a  Coffee-Stall."  0,  thou  Shrove-tide  reveller!  homewards 
weeding  upon  Shanksian  steed — the  city,  just  ere  rosy-fingered  dawn 
(p68oSa.KTv\os  'EWJ)  makes  first  appearance,  being  cabless— despise  not 
the  unassuming  vendor  of  irreproachable  Mocha,  comfortably  en- 
sconced in  ben  trovato  indentation  of  a  house's  wall,  or  in  cleverly- 
chosen  cul-de-sac.  Stay  rather  to  dissipate  fumes  of  thy  nocturnal 
debauch  in  steaming  cup  (poculum)  filled  from  huge  throbbing  urn 
situated  at  the  dexter  extremity  of  immaculate  linoleum-covered 
counter.  Drink  the  comforting  beverage  as  "piping-hot"  (pot 
bouille)  as  throat  will  bear.  Then,  if  impaired  digestion  permit  and 
TAUTOLOGY'S  advice  be  followed,  let  the  palate  be  tempted  by 
dainty,  insidious  sardine,  deftly  served  upon  crisp,  crackling  square  of 
toast.  Neither,  upon  this  exquisite  plat,  neglect  to  sprinkle  purple, 
liqaant  powder— the  product  of  distant  Cayenne. 

Now  is  apparent  the  fall  force  of  TALLEYRAND'S  truism — or 
BBILLAT  SAVAKIN'S  was  it? — "'Ifuppttit  vieni  en  mangeant." 
Order,  therefore,  pomme  Irlandaise-^thi  apple  of  Hibernia,  the 
potato— roasted,  and  not  divested  of  its  jacket.  Cat  in  halves  and 
lubricate  its  mealy  interior  with  judicious  quantity  of  margarine, 
which  the  amiable  caterer  provideth  upon  application.  Shun,  with 
this  dish,  sardine-suitable  Cayenne,  flavouring  instead  with  black 
pepper  and  a  soupcon  of  salt  only.  Hunger's  pangs  appeased,  a 
second  copious  draught  of  the  coffee-bsrry's  decoction  may  not  be 
amiss.  Day  now  dawneth,  the  horny-handed  one  hurrieth  along 


the  street  to  diurnal  duties,  and  thou — top-hatted,  brazenly-belated 
scion  of  Society — art  an  incongruous  object  on  the  awakening  town- 
scape.  Retire  then,  rapidly,  to  thy  domicilium,  not  forgetting  to 
purchase  from  the  all  -providing  matutinal  restaurateur— fumi  sacra 
fames  /—a  fragrant  Denarian  weed  of  genuine  home-grown  Havana. 
Bid  him  a  courteous  "  Tale,"  and  proceed,  refreshed,  upon  thy  way 
— now  no  longer  tortuous  nor  encumbered  by  multiplicity  of  lamp- 
posts. Thou  hast  broken  thy  fast  like  a  king— at  a  coffee-stall ! 


ALFRED   TO    ALFRED. 

(A  very  Up-to-date  Song  from  the  Shades.) 

0  ALFRED,  ALFRED,  ALFRED  !    Since  you  also  bear  my  name, 
You  might  have  more  respected  both  my  feelings  and  my  fame ; 
For  copy-book  moralities,  piped  forth  as  by  a  starling. 

Will  not  make  England  venerate  the  memory  of  her     Darling." 

1  do  not  love  that  name,  ALFRED  ;  it  does  not  match  with  mine ; 
It  savours  of  suburban  "  spoons,''  or  rustic  "Valentine." 

1  'm  told  by  those  who  know,  ALFRED,  when  bourgeois  sweethearts 

meet, 
They  doat,  like  you,  on  "  darling,"  dwell,  like  you,  on  "  Sweet  I 

Sweet  I    Sweet  I"  [Park. 

Which  may  do  for  amorous  Hampstead,  or  for  Cockney  Clapham 
Or  for  ANGELINA  "  walking-out "  with  EDWIN,  her  new  spark ; 
But  for  Eowr  and  EDGIVA,  quite  another  sort  of  pair,         [the  air," 
(Though  the  latter' s  name  ''soared  into  space,  and  summered  all 
As  you  credibly  inform  us,)— well,  I  don't  wish  to  be  harsh, 
But  two  Anglo-Saxon  lovers,  in  a  damp,  "  low-lying  marsh," 
Hardly  talked  such  twiddle-twaddle,  when  we  had  to  fight  the  Dane, 
As  a  couple  of  canoodlers  in  a  Cockney  Lovers'  Lane. 
There 's  a  want  of  "  local  colour,"  my  dear  ALFRED,  in  your  lay, 
For  we  did  not  war,  or  wanton,  in  your  mild  suburban  way. 
There  is  too  much  sugar-candy  in  your  handling  of  such  themes, 
And  your  Muse— if  I  may  say  so — is  too  fond  of  chocolate-creams. 
You  know  I  touched  the  harp  myself,  but,  on  your  Laureate-lyre, 
You  twiddle  in  a  fashion  which  had  roused  grim  GUTHRUM'S  ire. 
And  Celt  and  Briton,  Angle.  Frisian,  Saxon,  Norseman  tco, 
Would  have  seized  their  ''shrilling  weapoEB,"  and  at  once  have 

gone  for  you  I 

I  was  quite  a  moral  model,  as  king's  go,  I  am  aware ; 
But  I  don't  remember  having  such  a  go-to-nc eating  air 
As  your  virtuous  " England's  Yum-yum" — I  mean  "Darling" — 

seems  to  sport. 

And  as  to  "  forehead  questioning  the  sky  " — 0,  cut  it  short  I 
I  'd  a  "  virile  love  of  country,"  or  at  least  I  hope  I  had, 
Bat  thrasonic  gush  about  it  would  have  made  me  feel  quite  mad. 
In  dear  old  "  foam-fencei  England"  I  should  feel  myself  at  home, 
But  not  among  the  Jingoes  who  are  also  given  to  "  foam," — 
Foam  at  the  mouth,  my  ALFRED,  like  mad  dogs  and  men  in  fits. 
There  be  "patriots"  and  "  poets,"  my  dear  ALFRED,  wits  and  cits, 
Who  the  muzzle  and  strait-jacket  seem,  at  seasons,  to  require. 
"  ALFRED  shall  have  this  England  " — as  a  theme  for  his  new  lyre ; 
It  seems  rather  hard  on  Eagland,  so  the  earlier  ALFRED  thinks, 
An  idea  from  which  my  "  practical  imagination  "  shrinks. 
Still,  I  wouldn't  mind  so  much  if  ALFRED  limited  his  odes 
To  paeans  upon  JAMESON,  and  dithyrambs  on  RHODES. 
But  it  sets  the  shades  a-sniggering  and  old  Cerberus  a-snarling 
To  think  of  Saxon  ALFRED  being  shrined  in — England's  Darling!! ! 


RURAXITIES. 


SLR, — I  am  sure  you  will  be  glad  to  hear  how  unusually  mild  the 
season  is  with  us  in  the  country.  As  a  proof  of  the  fact,  the  follow- 
ing may  be  of  interest.  The  other  day  Mr.  SIDESPLITTER,  a  local 
gentleman,  was  accused  by  a  lady  friend  of  having  cut  her  in  the 
street.  He  replied—"  It  was  such  a  little  cut,  that  it  might  almost 
be  called  a  cutlet ! 


Can  you  imagine  anything  milder  than  that  ? 
A  RESIDENT  AT  SPARKLINGTON. 


SIR,— Oar  venerated  old  clergyman  met  my  boy  TEDDY  (aged  six) 


extremely  forward  we  are  in  the  country  this  saason ! 

PROUD  PATER. 

SIR,— The  precocity  of  the  vegetation  for  the  time  of  year  is  truly 
remarkable.  A  lad  of  mine  has  just  come  in  from  the  garden,  and 
tells  me  he  found  a  rose  out !  I  have  not  seen  it  myself,  but  the  boy 
is  incapable  of  an  untruth,  and  I  think  the  unparalleled  event  (for 
January)  deserves  a  notice  in  your  columns. 

DARWIN  CUVIER  JONES. 

P.8.— I  find  it  was  the  watering-pot  rose  that  the  lad  found.  Still 
the  fact  remains  that  the  watering-pot  itself  was  out  at  a  period  of 
the  year  earlier  than  I  ever  remember. 


66 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  8    1896 


THE    NEW    FOOTMAN. 

"On,  MUMUT !    ISN'T  JOHN  A  DARLING!" 


Were  foolish,  fate-inviting,  mad. 

You're  right,  my  boy,  I.  must  be  ready. 
Jut— song  another  refrain  had 

In  good  old  day  a,— "Steady,  boys,  steady  I" 

Steady 's  the  word  I    'T  were  too  absurd 

For  BULL  to  show  mere  boyish  flurry. 
I  fancy  he 's  too  old  a  bird 

To  fall  a  prey  to  hurry-scurry. 
Che  Eagles,  with  one  head  or  two, 

Like  roosters  scared  may  crow  and  cackle  ; 
But  'tisn't  loud  hullaballoo 

That  is  the  toughest  thing  to  tackle. 

It  isn't  crying'."  Shoo  I "  or  "  Whu-ush'.I " 

Like  an  old  Durden  to  her  Partlets, 
Will  scare  my  chicks  to  a  mad  rush. 

Not  DAVISES  nor  AsHMEU)-BARTLETT9 
Will  rule  the  roost  this  side  or  that. 

Kaisers  and  Dr.  BURNSIDES  bluster  ; 
But  when  I  put  my  foot  down  flat 

It  won't  be  frightened  up  by  fluster. 

Who  hints  the  City  Fathers  might 

Prove  patriot  zeal,  as  in  old  centuries, 
By  arming  England  for  the  fight 

With  extra  ironclads  ?  The  venture  is 
Exceeding  bold.  Bat  hoarded  gold 

Is  apt  to  hold  mere  sentiment  gammon. 
1  put  my  trust,  now,  as  of  old, 

Much  more  in  Manhood  than  in  Mammon. 

Yet  if  ,'twixt  Wealth  andlCommonwealth; 

Sach  proof  of  patriot  kinship  proffers,  j 
'Twill  be  fair  sign  of  England's  health, 

And  make  us  prouder  of  our  coffers. 

Lay  on,  HICKS-BEACH  1 "  our  Jingoes'cry, 

"  Give  GOSCHEN  whatsoe'er  he  'axes  !  , 
But  patriots  tiue  but  poor  must  sigh 

At  prospect  of  yet  heavier  taxes. 

Dives,  who  hath  huge  hoards  at  stake, 

Is  most  "  Britannia-rule-the-wavy, ' 
But  will  he  prove  his  patriot  make 

By — adding  to  his  country's  navy  ? 
What  a  wild  cheer  that  volunteer 

From  the  whole  Empire  would  elicit !  1 1 
Saint  George  I  I  should  be  proud  to  hear 

Of  the  first  million  down !     Where  is  it  f 


"NAVAL  ESTIMATES." 

11  We  must  be  prepared.  We  must  never  lose 
the  supremacy  of  the  sea  ....  it  is  vital  to  our 
very  existence.  ...  I  do  not  think  I  shall  be  di- 
vulging Cabinet  secrets  if  I  tell  you  that  the 
Government  are  not  going  to  slacken  exertion,  and 
that  large  as  this  year's  Naval  Estimates  have  been , 
next  year  you  will  see  furtber  increase." 

Sir  Michael  Hiekt-Beach  at  Leeds, 

John  Bull  loquitur: — 

ALL  right,  Sir  MICHAEL  !    Fire  away  I 

Be  sure  you  will  not  find  me  grudging. 
To  my  last  penny  I  will  pay 

For  safety.    But  no  Jingo  fudging  I 
No  wanton  waste  in  headlong  haste  I 

No  upward  rush  like  a  mad  rocket  I 
Pocket  comes  second,  to  my  taste, 

But  there  are  limits  e'en  to  pocket. 


Like  C.KSAR  to  the  pilot,  I 
Say,  "Forward,  and  fear  nought!    Thou 

earnest 

Great  CJESAR  and  his  fortune  1  "    Why, 
The  storm  may  swell  e'en  whilst  thou  tar- 

riest. 
My  fleet 's  my  fortune,  well  I  know, 

And  though  strong  foes  the  seas  shoulc 

To  my  Brundusium*  I  must  go.  [cover 

Though  storm- winds  howl  and  storm-clouds 

hover. 

And  winds  and  clouds,  I  must  admit. 

Seem  beating  up  as  though  for  battle. 
In  insular  confidence  to  sit 

Till  hurricanes  roar  and  thunders  rattle 

fleets,  he  resolved  to  embark  in  a  vessel  of  twelve 
pars,  without  acquainting  any  person  with  hi 
intention,  and  sail  to  Brundusium." 

PLUTARCH'S  Life  of  Cttsar. 


A  SOMETHING  OF  A  DIFFICULTY. 

IN  Napoleon's  Last  Voyages,  published  by 
FISHER  UN  WIN,  JOHN  WOLSELEY,  serving  on 
board  the  Superb  when  NAPOLEON  surren- 
dered, says,  "  On  Sunday  NAPOLEON  came 
on  Inard.  *  *  He  is  very  short  and  very  fat, 
and  was,  consequently,  much  tired  with 
walking  up  and  down  the  ladders."  Ahem ! 
"Very  short  and  very  fat,"  and  yet  our 
HENRY  IRVING,  who  is  tall  and  very  lean,  is, 
it  is  said,  to  appear  as  the  Great  NAPOLEON. 
Such  an  objection  is  not  insuperable.  If 
taken  at  all,  it  must  equally  apply  to  Sir 
HENRY  IRVLNG'S  playing  the  part  of  Hamlet, 
who,  on  his  own  mother's  showing,  wa*  a 
short,  stout  party  (vide  Hamlet,  Act  V., 
So.  2),  who  would  soon  get  "bellows  to 
mend"  in  a  fight,  or  in  any  such  exertion  as 
is  implied  in  "  such  a  gettin'  up  stairs."  Sir 
HENRY,  by  his  breadth  of  style,  will  have  to 
reduce  his  own  height  to  the  Napoleonic 
inches.  But,  indeed,  not  so  very  long  ago 
one  of  our  clever  artist-boys  in  Mr.  Punch's 
Annual  showed  how  the  trick  might  be  done. 


LITERARY  GOSSIP  (from  the"Austineeum"). 
—We understand  that  theauthor  of  England's 
Darling  has  in  preparation  two  new  volumes, 
which  will  shortly  be  published.  Thtir  titles 
vri\\\>*  Scotland's  Poppett  (  ROBE  RTTHE  BRUCE), 
and  Ireland's  Diddums  (BRIAN  BOKU). 

MICHAEL  AND  HIS  FOUJHD  ANGEL.  —  The 
CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EXCHEQUER  and  his 
surplus.  

A  LATTREATE  OF  METRE.— The  Gas  Collector. 


P 

> 


* 


«  s 

o  5 

B  S 

go, 


"     or 


o  B 


as- 


o- 
o  g 
» 


?  hd 


FEBRUARY  8,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


69 


He.    "I   SEE  TOUB  FRIEND,   MBS.    OVERTON,   HAS  WRITTEN  A  SOCIETY  NOVEL." 

!  She.  "  OH  DEAR  ! — AND  I  ALWAYS  THOUGHT  SHE  WAS  SUCH  A  A/C«-MINDED  WOMAN 


GOING  A  DIGBEE  BETTEB.— In  Ihe  Alhe- 
ncp.um  it  was  recently  said  that  "  The  Oxford 
movement  in  favour  of  granting  the  B.A. 
degree  to  qualified  women  seems  to  have 
gained  a  new  impetus,"  and  the  petition  will, 
probably,  be  hacked  by  the  Vice-Chancellor, 
one  of  the  Proctors,  and  other  university 
lights  and  leaders.  But  how  can  ladiep, 
married  or  unmarried,  ever  be  "  Bachelors"  ? 
Why  not  a  new  and  special  degree  for  them  ? 
We  have  Maids  of  Honour,  Bride's-Maids, 
House-Maids,  and  so  forth.  Why  not,  for 
the  unmarried,  "  L.M.,"  which  will  serve  for 
"  Learned  (or  Lovable)  Maid."  She  will  wear 
a  becoming  cap,  showy  gown,  and  a  hood. 
If  married,  1he  letters  L.M.  will  stand  for 
"Learned  Matron,"  with  bonnet,  gown, 
streamers  and  hood  of  another  cut  and  colour, 
symbolising  the  distinction  between  Maiden- 
hood and  Wife-hood. 


"  HONEST  MY  LORD  ?  " — Last  Saturday  the 
Daily  News  gave  in  its  list  of  distinguished 
Parliamentarians  staying  at  Cannes  the  name 
of  "  Lord  BUBGHELEBE,  long  known  as 
Mr.  HEBBEBT  GABDNEB."  What  is  the 
correct  way  of  pronouncing  this  title?  Is 
it  "Bur-ghe-le-re"  or  "  Burghe-le-re "  or 
' '  Burghe-lere  "  ?  Take  it  how  you  will,  can  it 
be  looked  upon  as  a  rise  in  life  for  a  man 
who  was  once  a  worthy  and  honest  Gard'ner 
to  have  become  a  Burg'lar,  or  to  be  connected 
in  any  way  with  Burg-la-ree  ? 


"ALADDIN'S  UNCLE,  OK  PBOFESSOB  BONT- 
GEN  AND  HIS  DISCOVERY." — Great  song  by 
the  Herr  Professor,  "  Neic  Lights  for  Old 
Ones."  "Ah!"  sighs  our  Bilious  Contri- 
butor ;  "if  he  could  only  for  'lights'  substitute 
'  livers '  I  What  a  business  he  would  do  1 1 " 


A  SOMERSET  VALENTINE. 

I  DO  reckon  'morrow  be  proper  day, 

Zo  warr'nt  I  '11  spell  ee  out  a  line, 
An'  poastman  '11  gie  't  ee  soon  as  may 

Come  marnin' — 'tes  zart  o1  Valentine. 
I  've  a  zummat  to  tell  ee,  ehart  an1  zwit, 

An'  might  've  a-telled  it  ee  long  ago — 
But  there,  like  tartus  as  vair  a-bit 

Wold  hare.  I  be  tarr'ble  sure  an'  slow. 
Aye,  sure  an'  slow,  an'  poor  an'  plain, 

But  tidden  great  yolk  do  veel  the  mos' ; 
An' — 'morrow  marnin'  I  '11  be  down  lane 

'Gin  Varmer  VELLACOTT'S  archard- close. 

I  beant  no  echolard,  as  you  do  know, 

I  worn't  a  one  vor  books  to  school, 
An'  ha'  n't  done  much  to 't  zince,  like  JOE— 

He  've  a  sight  o'  larnin'  an'  I  be  vool. 
Hows' ever,  las'  ploughin'  down  to  Ling's 

(Dpeemind?)virst  prizewer'  a-judgedto  I- 
Do  zim  there  do  be  a  power  o'  things 

As  books  oant  do  vor  ee  more  'n  fly. 
An'  a  heart,  I  count,  'tes  better  'n  brain — 

J'ce  a-loved  ee  zince  I  do  mind  a'moa'; 
Zo  come,  dear,  do  ee— I  '11  bide  down  lane 

'Gin  Varmer  VELIACOTT'S  archard-close. 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

Ma.  WEILS'S  Wonderful  Visit  would  have 
been  all  the  better  for  compression.  We  are 
delighted  to  welcome  the  strange  visitor ;  bat 
4  visit  may  be  prolonged  till  the  caller  be- 
o->mes  a  nuisance.  This  particular  District 
Visitor  happens  to  be  an  angel— not  exactly 
in  angel  of  the  Old  or  New  Testament,  the 
author  is  careful  to  tell  UP,  so  as  to  guard 
himself  against  any  charge  of  irreverence, 
or  of  being  classed  among  those  who  riuh  in 
where  angels  fear  to  tread ;  but  an  angel  of  a 
lower  zone,  an  amiable  kind  of  being,  some- 
'hing  between  a  boy  and  a  bird,  not  unlike  a 
Peri  or  an  overgrown  fairy. 

The  Vicar  of  the  parish,  who  is  a  collector 
of  strange  specimens,  wings  him  with  his 
gun,  brings  him  down,  and  take  him  home. 
Sj  perhaps  the  story  originated  with  the  old 
Yankee  joke  about  the  sportsman  who,  hear- 
ing others  lying  about  their  wondrous  shots, 
topped  them  all  with—"  Waal,  guess  one  day 
I  was  out  shooting,  and  1  winged  a  cherub. 
We  kept  him  hopping  about  the  garden,  and 
made  quite  a  pet  of  him,  until  one  day, 
when "  He  paused.  His  hearers  breath- 
lessly inquired,  "  What  happened  ?  "  "  Waal, 
torry  to  say,  the  cat  eat  him." 

The  "  winged "  angel  becomes  rather 
tedious,  and  at  last,  having  won  the  affec- 
tions of  a  housemaid,  both  disappear  in 
smoke.  And  this  is  in  brief  the  story  of 
"the  angel  in  the  house"— not  by  CO- 
VENTRY PATMOBE. 

Mr.  ANTHONY  HOPE'S  Comedies  of  Court- 
ship are  excellent  light  reading.  Several 
tales  in  a  single  volume.  "  Pick  'em  where 
you  like."  All  good,  and  recommended  by 

THE  BABON. 


AN  ACCRA-WAITING  SITUATION. 
[Prince  ATCHBREBOANDA,  the  claimant  to  the 
Golden  Stool,  is  still  at  Accia.] 

0  PRINCE,  whose  name  suggests  a  sneeze 
Combined  with  some  weird,  gooselike  wheeze, 

Why  claim  that  Golden  Stool  P 
Would  not  a  biscuit-box  befit 
Your  dignity,  or  must  you  sit 

On  what  supports  no  golden  rule  ? 
Dark  ATCHEBEBOANDA,  stay  I 
Think  on  poor  PBEMPEH'S  wilful  way, 

And  curb  your  proud  ambition. 
Or  else  you  'U  occupy  some  day 

His  stool  of  sad  contrition  1 


70 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  8,  1896. 


Our  Gallant  Colonel,  "YOUR  DAUGHTERS,  MY  BEAR  MRS.  TYMPANUM,  ARR  LOOKING  DELIGHTFUL  TO-NIGHT—PIMPLY  DELIGHTFUL  I " 
Mrs    Tympanum  (rather  hard  of  hearing,  and  very  intent  on  a  roti  of  ducklings).  "YES,  AREN'T  THEY  I     I  *va  HAD  THEM  STUFFBD 
•WITH  SAGE  AND  ONIONS  I " 


ROUNDABOUT    READINGS. 

ADMIRAL  THUNDER. 

NOT  long  ago  I  received  a  letter  from  my  old  friend  Admiral 
THUNDER.  That  is  not  his  real  name,  but  it  is  the  name  by  which 
he  was  universally  known  throughout  the  service  while  he  was  btill 
on  the  active  list,  and  it  still  clings  to  him  in  his  retirement.  Origi- 
nally due  to  the  old  sea  dog's  inveterate  habit  of  expressing  himself 
in  the  strongest  language  whenever  his  anger  or  bis  interest  was 
aroused,  it  has  lost  none  of  its  applicability  now  that  the  Admiral  no 
longer  directs  the  movements  ot  a  squadron,  or  keeps  his  clear  blue 
eye  on  the  signs  of  the  weather  in  mid  ocean.  Indeed,  advancing 
years,  far  from  mitigating  the  matchless  ferocity  of  the  Admiral's 
language,  have,  if  anything,  rather  increased  its  force  and  copious- 
ness. The  causes  that  provoke  the  dear  old  sailor's  outbursts  are 
necessarily  more  trivial  in  the  pleasant  little  Hampshire  house  where 
he  is  spending  what  he  has,  for  six  years  at  least,  called  the  last  few 
days  of  his  liie,  than  they  were  on  board  a  battleship;  but  this 
makes  no  difference  to  the  Admiral.  I  do  not  mean  to  Bay  that  the 
Admiral  is  a  habitual  or  even  a  frequent  swearer  of  oaths.  Here 
and  there  one  of  these  short,  crisp  little  words,  will  pop  out,  but  set 
as  it  is  in  one  of  the  Admiral's  flaming  sentences,  its  appearance  is 
as  little  noticed  as  would  be  the  crack  of  a  toy  pistol  in  the  midst  of 
a  tornado. 

I  SPOKE  just  now  of  the  Admiral's  advancing  years.  I  must  not 
be  misunderstood.  He  is  still  well  on  the  fair-weather  side  of 
seventy ;  his  eye  is  undimmed,  his  step  is  elastic,  his  figure  is  erect, 
his  noble  chest  is  not  yet  shrunk  from  the  broad  expanse  on  which, 
informer  days,  a  brilliant  array  of  medals  used  to  glitter,  and  his 
voice,  though  it  merely  shakes  the  rafters  of  his  country  home,  or 
echoes  through  the  woods,  is  not  less  resonant  than  when  it  used  to 
strike  obedience  into  his  crew.  His  thick  and  stubborn  hair  is  grey, 
but  in  his  crisp  beard  the  dark  is  still  the  ruling  colour.  He  has 
seen  much  war-service  from  the  day  when,  as  one  of  PEEL'S  lion- 
hearts,  he  first  heard  a  shot  fired  in  anger  in  the  Crimea,  and  won 
the  admiration  of  all  his  comrades,  not  merely  by  his  constant  and 
cheerful  performance  of  his  regular  duties,  but  by  the  almost 
unparalleled  act  of  heroism  by  which  he  saved  the  life  of  a  fellow- 
sailor,  and  earned  for  himself  three  severe  wounds  and  the  Victoria 
Cross.  And  his  sea  knowledge,  his  power  of  handling  his  ship  under 


the  severest  stress  of  weather,  his  masterly  disposition  of  a  fl-et, 
were  always  of  the  kind  that  are  exercised  only  by  the  few  sailors 
who  combine  with  a  love  of  their  profession  and  a  mastery  of  all  its 
details,  undaunted  courage,  prompt  resolution,  and  an  instinctive 
grip  of  every  situation  in  which  they  find  themselves. 

THE  Admiral  has  never  been  married.  He  passed  safely,  if  not 
entirely  unscathed,  from  a  youth  which,  if  rumour  may  be  trusted, 
had  its  gay  and  dashing  complications,  through  a  not  unsusceptible 
middle  age,  and  to  into  the  bachelor  bliss  of  his  veteransbip.  He 
did,  1  be'ieve,  make  one  proposal  of  marriage,  but  his  language  in 
the  excitement  of  this  unusual  moment  was  so  violent  that  the  lady, 
naturally  of  a  timid  disposition,  having  summoned  up  all  the  courage 
she  could  command,  shuddered  out  a  hasty  "No,"  and  fled  in  terror  from 
the  room.  The  Admiral  looked  upon  the  incident  as  a  warning,  and 
never  repeated  the  experiment.  But  he  bore  no  malice,  and  in  time 
grew  to  treat  the  matter  as  one  for  jocular  allusion,  speaking  of  it  as 
"perhaps  the  one  occasion,  Sir,  in  a  long  and  stormy  career,  when  a 
woman,  yes,  a  woman,  by  the  immortal  Jingo,  showed  herself  wiser, 
ten  thousand  ever  lasting  million  times  wiser,  than  this  old  hulk 
here ;  may  his  one-horse- power  engines  bunt  into  blue  blazes  if  ever 
he  gives  another  woman  a  chance."  The  decision  was  a  wise  one  : 
the  Admiral  was  not  made  for  matrimony,  and  no  doubt  he  was 
happier  living,  as  he  did,  at  Rodney  Lodge,  not  far  from  the  New 
Forest,  under  the  care  of  his  two  admiring  maiden  sisters,  than  he 
would  have  been  with  a  wife  t  >  check  his  outgoings  and  keep  watch 
over  his  incoming*.  

Sucii,  then,  was  and  is  Admiral  THUNDER.  His  two  sisters,  "  the 
girls,"  as  he  calls  them,  mere  chits  of  sixty  and  sixty-two,  keep 
house  for  him,  admire  him,  recite  his  exploits,  disregard  his  furious 
explosions,  and  coddle  and  cosset  him  to  his  heart's  content  whenever 
he  is  seized  with  one  of  those  colds  which,  according  to  the  Admiral, 
are  the  sure  heralds  of  the  galloping  consumption  that  is 
eventually  to  bring  him  to  his  grave.  For  the  Admiral  is,  if  the 
truth  must  be  told,  inclined,  like  many  vigorous  and  healthy  men, 
to  magnify  the  extent  and  the  danger  of  his  little  ailments.  From 
a  passing  twinge  in  his  chest  he  has  been  known  to  infer  a  long- 
standing fatty  degeneration  of  the  heart ;  a  red  patch  on  his  neck 
convinces  him  that  blood  poisoning,  in  an  aggravated  form,  has  set 
in  at  last ;  and  a  fall  from  his  bicycle,  for  which  simple  natural 


FEBRUARY  8,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


71 


causes  might  be  assigned,  made  it  an  article  of  faith  with  him  for  a 
whole  week  that  his  doom  would  come  through  creeping  paralysis. 
All  these  dreadful  threatening,  it  must  be  said,  do  not  much  affect 
the  Admiral's  cheerful  spirits.  He  is  much  more  likely,  in  fact,  to 
be  rendered  morose  if  anyone  should  dare  to  hint  a  doubt  as  to  the 
necessarily  fatal  issue  of  his  complaint.  Yet  the  Admiral  never  calls 
in  a  doctor ;  he  is  attended  to  by  the  girls  and  by  his  faithful  old 
body  servant,  a  former  A.B.,  who  now  makes  himself  useful  about 
the  house  in  a  hundred  little  ways  as  only  a  sailor  can.  These  three, 
between  them,  have  brought  the  Admiral  through  every  mortal 
illness  known  to  medical  science. 


KNOWING  my  old  friend's  peculiarities  I  was  not  much  alarmed, 
therefore,  when  I  received  from  him  a  letter  in  which  he  informed 
me  tint  what  he  had  long  expected  had  now  come  about,  that 
phthisis  in  its  most  acute  form  had  attacked  him,  that  he  had  a 
racking,  hacking  cough  calculated  by  its  own  unaided  efforts  to  sweep 
away  a  whole  ship's  company,  that  death,  which  he  did  not  in  the 
least  fear,  had  come  within  easy  signalling  distance,  and  that  if  I 
wanted  to  see  him  again  alive  I  was  to  come  as  soon  as  possible.  I 
concluded,  as  was  indeed  the  case,  that  the  Admiral  had  a  bad  cold, 
and  that,  being  confined  to  the  house,  he  would  be  glad  of  a  slight 
change  of  companionship.  So  I  packed  my  bag  and  shortly  found 
myself  at  Rodney  Lodge.  The  girls  received  me  in  the  morning 
room.  "We  are  glad  you  have  come,"  said  Miss  ELSPETH,  the^  elder, 
"  for  the  Admiral  has  been  so  looking  for  you.  We  do  not  anticipate 
his  immediate  demise,  but  there  is  great  danger,  very  great  danger." 
"Shall  I  go  to  him  at  once?"  I  asked.  "Perhaps  that  would  be 
best,"  said  Miss  AGNES.  "  He  is  in  his  study ;  it  is  a  warmer  room 
than  his  bedroom,  and  being  on  the  ground-floor  we  can  more 
quickly  and  easily  attend  to  his  wants.  But,  I  fear,  you  will  find 
him  sadly  changed."  As  I  approached  the  study  I  became  conscious 
that,  in  voice  at  any  rate,  and  in  fury,  the  Admiral  was  still  his  old 
self.  It  was  booming  through  the  door  and  along  the  passage  like  a 
broadside  from  a  three-decker.  "  May  heaven  forgive  me,"  he  was 
roaring,  "if  that  is  not  the  most  astounding,  immoral,  and  incom- 
parable act  of  double- distilled  folly  that  even  you,  abandoned  worm 
as  you  are,  have  ever  committed  in  the  course  of  your  misspent 
life.  Why,  you  hoary,  old  Japanese  mask,  you,  I  told  you  not  more 
than  an  hour  ago— an  hour?  it  wasn't  half-an-hour  by  all  the 

immortal  powers "    At  this  point  I  entered  the  room.     The 

Admiral,  who  was  sitting  in  his  armchair,  a  rug  wrapped  round  his 
knees,  a  thick  woollen  comforter  round  his  throat,  and  a  cloth  cap  on 
his  head,  never  paused  for  a  moment  in  the  torrent  that  he  was 
pouring  on  the  imperturbable  head  of  bis  servant.  "Here,"  he 
continued,  "  is  a  friend  who  will  bear  witness  to  what  I  say.  This 
man,  Sir,  has  the  effrontery,  I  can  call  it  nothing  else,  by  gad,  he 
has  the  unparalleled  effrontery  to  bring  me  my  white  wine  whey 
now,  when  he  knows  that  I  cannot  by  any  possible  concatenation  of 
circumstances  want  it  for  another  hour.  Why,  curse  you,  you  're 
grinning."  (AMOS  had,  it  must  be  admitted,  winked  at  me.)  "  I  '11 

break  every- "    Bat  what  the  Admiral  would  have  threatened 

must  remain  a  subject  for  conjecture,  for  at  this  point  a  violent  fit  of 
sneezing  came  upon  him,  and  when  he  recovered  from  it  his  anger 
had  vanished  like  a  summer  cloud,  and  he  not  only  greeted  me 
warmly,  but  accepted  a  dry  handkerchief  from  the  hands  of  the 
attentive  AMOS  and  took  his  white  wine  whey  without  another 
murmr  as  to  its  premature  appearance.  He  then  assured  me  that 
his  will  was  made,  all  his  affairs  were  in  order,  death  might  be 
expected  at  any  moment,  and  he  hoped  I  should  be  able  to  stay  for 
at  least  a  week.  Personally  he  would  have  preferred  a  month,  but 
he  couldn't  expect  that  from  me. 


IN  two  days  he  was  as  right  as  a  trivet.  On  the  third  day  he  came 
up  to  town  with  me,  gave  me  a  first-rate  dinner  at  his  club,  and 
visited  Trilby  afterwards.  "  By  the  Lord  Harry,  Sir,"  he  said,  as 
we  came  out,  "  I  could  hardly  contain  myself  from  springing  on  to 
the  stage  and  throttliag  that  greasy,  dirty,  swab-faced  villain, 
Svengali.  The  man  tainted  the  air,  Sir,  he  poisoned  it  by  bis  foul 
presence.  May  I  be  fed  for  ever  on  bilge-water  if  he  oughtn't  to 
have  a  thousand  dozen."  Here  he  stopped  suddenly  in  his  walk. 
44  What 's  up,  Admiral  ?  "  I  asked.  "  A  pain,  Sir,  a  red-hot  demon 
of  pain  in  my  leg.  I  know  what  it  is.  1  have  got  hip-disease."  I 
recommended  oysters  and  stout  as  the  best  remedy  applicable  at  the 
moment,  and  I  have  reason  to  believe  that  it  was  thoroughly  success- 
ful, for  I  met  the  old  fellow  yesterday  walking  along  Piccadilly  at 
the  rate  of  about  five  miles  to  the  hour. 


A  Chevalieresque  Conundrum. 

Coster  Sill  (to  'Arriet).  I  si  I   When  is  your  young  man  like  a  fish 
out  of  water  ? 

'Arriet.  Oh,  g'long  I    Give 't  up. 
Coster  Sill.  Why,  when  'e  's  a  witin'  round  the  corner. 

[Short  encounter,  and  exeunt  severally. 


THIS   TREACHEROUS   WEATHER! 

Jones  and  Robinson  are  so  muffled  up  they  can't  utter  a  sound,  and 

have  to  make  signs. 

Jones.  "WILL  YOU  LUNCH  "WITH  MB  TO-DAY?" 
Robinson    "AT  WHAT  O'CLOCK?    Two?" 
Jones.  "YES.'        Robinson.   "ALL  EIGHT."  [Exeunt. 


"REMEMBER!"— A  JACOBITE  CA.ROL. 

(Sung  to  a  Well-knoivn  Air,  January  30.) 

REMEMBER,  remember,  each  scatterbrain  member 

Of  Leagues  for  Legitimist  rot, 
That  now  is  the  seasou  for  amateur  treason 

And  playing  at  piffle  and  plot ! 

At  three  in  the  morning,  the  powers- that-be  scorning, 

Turn  up  at  Whitehall  in  full  force, 
And  there  with  doffed  hat  you  must  worship  the  statue, 

And  pay  your  respects  to  his  horse. 

With  fx  ours  ions,  alarums,  bring  lilies  and  arums 

For  brutal  police  to  remove; 
And,  for  this  year's  display,  lick  the  record  with  Qaelio 

Inscriptions,  your  ardour  to  prove. 

Then,  Jacobites,  sally  from  out  the  Thames  Valley 

By  sixes  and  sevens  to  the  Tryst ; 
White  cockaders.  stand  ready  I    St.  Germain's  be  steady ! 

With  danger  the  cause  is  well  spiced  I 

For  if  you  're  top  bold,  Sirs,  you  '11  doubtless  catch  cold,  Sirs, 

And  people  will  laugh  at  your  pranks, 
And  at  self-advertising  and  STTJABT  uprising, 

And  freaks  of  our  latterday  cranks. 

King  CHARLIE  THE  SECOND,  we  're  sure,  would  have  reckoned 

These  trioks  as  a  comedy  rare ; 
Nor  will  Punch  to-day  smile  less  at  humours  so  guileless, 

Shown  off  in  Trafalgar  Square  1 

SENTIMENT  BY  OUE  IRREPRESSIBLE  JOKER  (to  Mr.  Cook,  the  new 
Editor  of  the  "  Daily  News  ").— May  you  be  a  Top  Soyer  I 


72 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  8,  1896. 


THE    DUTCHMAN'S   WEE    DOG.     (TRANSVAAL   VERSION.) 


President  (with  a  wink)  pipes : — 

OH  vhere,  und  oh  vhere,  is  dat  leetel 

wee  dog, 

Oh,  vhere,  oh  vhere  can  he  he  ? 
Hit  his  tail  out  short,  und  his  ears 

cut  long, 
Oh  vhere,  oh  vhere  is  he  ? 

He  came,  und  he  harked,  and  he 

licked  mine  hig  boots, 
Oh  vhere,  oh  vhere  can  he  be  ? 
I  fear  dat  I  gif  him  a  sort  of  a 

shnub. 

Has  he  fled  back  to  G  er-ma-nie  P 
Oh  vhere,  &o. 

He  come  und  I  fancy  he  vanted  to 

sthop, 

For  ours  is  a  bootifnl  air ; 
Bat  de  Portngee  stiff  at  de  door  of 

his  shop, 

Said  he  vasn't  vant  Teuton  tykes 
dere  ! 

Oh'vhere,  &3. 

Den  I  tink  dat  I  sea  dat  lestel  wee 

dog. 
Drop  his  tail  'twixt  his  legs  mit 

a  vince ; 
Und  he  flew  vat  you  call   to  de 

midst  of  next  veek, 
Und  I  'ye  not  heard  von  yap  from 
him  f-ince  1 

Oh  vhere,  &o. 

Sausage  is  goot,  "  Small  Germans" 

is  Root, — 

Oh  vhere,  oh  vhere  can  he  be  P 
Dey  makes  dem  of  horse,  und  dey 

makes  dem  of  dog, 
I  hope  dey  not  make  dem  of  he  ! 
Oh  vhere,  &o. 


I  dink  dat  he  like  der  Pretoria  town 

Or  even  goot  old  Amsterdam  1 
But  I  fear  he  is  made  into  beef  or 

to  pork, 

Unless  he  is  chicken  und  ham! 
Oh  vhere,  &c. 

Yet,  perhaps  all  is  veil  mit  dat 

Teuton  wee  dog, 
"Who  at   Berlin   lays   low,  und 

keeps  dark; 
Perhaps  in    his    kennel   dey  've 

chained  him  safe  up, 
But— vat  haf  dey  done  mit  his 
barkf 

Oh  vhere,  &o. 

MORAL  (adorning  a  tail). 

Then  a  leetle  stray  dog  come  und 

vaggle  his  tail, 
I  guess  as  he  vishes  far  prog. 
I  von't  vistle  him  back,  bat  I  vould 

like  to  know 

Vat's  become  of  dat  wee  German 
dog 

Oh  vhere,  oh  vhere  is  dat  leetle  dog 

gone, 

Oh  yhere,  oh  vhere  can  he  be  ? 
Mit  his  ears  hanging  down  und  hi* 

tail  'twixt  his  legs, 
Oh  vhere,  oh  vhere  is  he  ? 


STRANGE  MISAPPREHENSION  COR- 
RECTED. —  The  Moor,  not  the  Boer, 
i«i  bringing  Mr.  CECIL  RHODES  to 
England.  _ 


PREJUDICE.  —  A  i  Ger- 
man Company  occupies  St.  George's 
Hall.  We  should  have  preferred  a 
German-Reed  equivalent. 


CONDENSED  CONFIDENCE.    (For  Ladies  only ) 

DEAREST  ETHELINDA, — It  was  with  trembling  Trilbys  (we  never 
speak  of  vulgar  feet  now)  that  I  was  ushered  into  the  dressing-room 
oi'iMiss  GOOSIE  GANDER,  the  charming  young  cantatriee  (she  pleads 
to  eighteen  years^  of  the  Mansion  House  Theatre  of  Varieties.  I  was 

soon  chez  mot,  when  GOOSIE  (she 
begged  me  to  be  familiar  as 
soon  as  I  had  introduced  my- 
t  elf)  asked  me  to  take  a  chair, 
and  join  her  in  a  "  Tom  Cat" 
(a  mixture  of  gin  and  brandy), 
and  a  cigarette.  Her  courtesy 
gave  me  time  to  look  round 
this  dainty  little  den  of  refined 
dissipation.  The  furniture  was 
what  I  would  style  rococo,  and 
the  pictures  were  mainly  por- 
traits of  my  hostess  from  fa- 
vourite weekly  papers,  fastened 
to  the  nnromantiG  wall-paper 
with  hair-pins.  Of  course  I 
noted,  amid  the  abandon  of  dis- 
carded chevelure  and  necessary 
cosmetiques,  quite  a  little  pile  of 
correspondence — many  of  the 
letters  with  corontts  on  the  envelopes— flanked  by  bouquets  of  orchids 
and  roses,  and  sundry  little  morocco  cases,  which,  were  I  in  ever- 
beautiful  Paris,  I  should  suggest  contained  Its  bijoux  de  la  reine. 
I  observed,  too,  that  the  old  cheval  mirror  was  severely  cracked  in 
several  places  (could  it  have  been  by  reason  of  GOOSIE' s  lightning 
glances  r  Quien  sabe  f  as  they  say  in  Caba),  and  that  my  hostess's 
favourite  face- powder  was  Folle-Farine,  the  delicate  violet  requisite 
just  evolved  from  the  laboratory  of  TARTINE  &  Co.  of  Bond  Street. 

GOOSIE,  happily  for  fearsome  Me,  opened  the  ball,  "How,"  she 
asked,  with  her  winsome  "Whitechapel  accent,  which  I  will  not 
attempt  to  reproduce,  "  do  you  like  my  tog§?  They're  up  to  snuff 
I  take  it."  I  replied  that  her  garments,  though,  perhaps,  deficient 
in  warmth,  were  quite  capable  of  carrying  several  pounds  of  crushed 
tobacco.  "  Now  don't  get  on  that  lay,"  she  snorted,  with  a  piercing 


flash  from  her  great  emerald  eyes.  "  Don't  try  spoof  with  me."  I 
earnestly  disclaimed  any  attempt  to  indulge  in  a  sport  which  I  had 
heard  of  as  taut  soit  peu  chic.  GOOSIE  smiled  languidly,  the  sort  of 
risible  separation  of  two  red  lips,  which  the  favourite  of  the  SULTAN 
might  give  when  the  Commander  of  the  Faithful  declares  his 
ignorance  of  European  politics.  ' '  How  do  you  like  your  profession  ?  " 
I  asked,  wanting  to  mak  e  copy.  ' '  Oh,  blow  theprof  ession,"  she  answered, 
lightly  sending  the  smoke  of  the  exquisite  Dabectobocco  through  her 
gazelle-like  nostrils.  "  Do  you  not  like  your  career  ?  "  I  inquired, 
anxiously.  "I'd  far  sooner  be  mangling,"  she  answered,  taking  a 
drink  of  "Tom  Cat  "  "Hearts?"  I  interrogated  roguishly.  "No— 
washing,  you  stupid,"  she  replied,  with  a  chuckle  ben  trovato;  "  you 
seem  to  be  a  bit  balmy  on  the  crumpet."  "  I  never  eat  the  delicacy," 
I  responded.  "  I  represent  the  staff  of  social  life,  the  Press." 

GOOSIE  raised  herself  from  the  azure  velvet  cushion  on  which  she 
was  rfpDsing.  "  Look  here,"  she  ejaculated.  "  if  you  imagine  I  care 
one  and  ninepenee  three- farthings  for  the  Press,  you're  jolly  well 
mistaken.  I  can  cut  my  capers,  sing  my  songs,  and  do  my  patter  to 
the  tune  of  a  hundred  quid  a  week,  and  do  you  think  /mind  what 
some  starving  bloke  with  thirty  bob  salary  says  about  me  P  Not 
much.  I 'm  a  lady,  and  the  managers  know  it.''  "I'm  sure  I  did 
not  wish  to  excite  so  talented  an  artiste^'  I  cried,  repentantly ;  "  but 
I  notice  that  you  always  advertise  favourable  newsnaper  criticism." 
"Oh!  that's  my  agent' 
stone  at  the  mirror  '_ 
sniffer  after  black  and  white.. 

At  this  moment  an  elderly  female,  who  might  have  been  an  arch- 
deacon's sister,  appeared,  and  exclaimed,  "  Hurrv  upl  You're 
called,  GOOSIE,  dear."  "  Oh  I  bother !  "  cried  la  belle  chanteuse, 
flinging  the  end  of  her  cigarette  into  the  wa*«r-jug.  "  What  do  I 
start  with?"  "'  The  Flatcatcher  and  the  Bird?"  replied  the  duenna, 
standing  ready  with  a  hare's  foot  —  veritable  pied  de  lievre  — 
anointed  with  some  delicate  pink  bloom.  "Dead  cats  to  the  con- 
ductor I "  said  GOOSIE,  pettishly.  "  I  told  him  that  I  wanted  to  try 
'  Tripe  and  Onions  d  la  mode,'  and  my  brother  and  his  pals  are  in 
the  gallery  ready  to  give  a  friendly  lead."  So  saying,  fhe  disap- 
peared, and  so  did  I,  much  impressed  with  the  nonchalance  of  this 
music-hall  humming-bird.  Try  treacle  and  rum  (BOOMERANG'S 
best),  beaten  up  with  new-laid  eggs,  for  your  cold. 

Ever,  dear,  Your  loving  cousin,  KADJ. 


FEBRUARY  15,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


73 


DEGENERACY. 

"SHURB  AN  TOUR  HONOUR,  IT'S  THINGS  AS  WAS  MIGHTY  DIF- 
FRUNT  IN  THE  OULD  DAYS  WHEN  THE  GlNTHRY  SB'S  A  CUMMIN*  TO 
THE  PARTIES  I  'Trs  AS  MUCH  AS  THREE  POUND  I  'D  BE  TAKIN'  OF 
A  NIGHT  ;  BUT  NOW — WHY,  DIVIL  A  BIT  BEYANT  A  FEW  COPPERS 
EVER  I  SEES  AT  AIL  1  MlND  YOU,  THIS  EVENIN*  I  PUTS  A  DECOY 
HALF-CROWN  ON  THE  PLATE  MYSELF,  AND  BEDAD  IF  THEY  DIDN'T 
TAKE  IT  OV  ME  1  BUT  WAIT— I  5LL  DO  THEM  THE  NEXT  TIME,  FOB 
BEGOBKA  I  'LL  HAVE  IT  GLUED  TO  THE  PLAT*  1  " 


ROUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

ON  MAD  DOGS. 

I  GATHER  from  the  usual  sources  of  information  that  we  are  now 
in  the  midst  of  an  epidemic  of  terror  inspired  by  mad  dogs.  There 
has  been  a  leading  article  in  the  Times,  and  the  great  army  of  letter- 
writers,  each  with  his  own  special  tale  of  hoiror,  and  his  own  patent 
remedy,  has  invaded  the  solemn  columns  of  the  daily  Press.  "  One 
who  Loves  his  Fellow-Men  "  hag  been  joined  in  a  muzzling  crusade  by 
"Prevention  is  Better  than  Cure,"  and  "A  Dog-Lover  of  Long 
Standing  "  has  demanded  in  tones  of  menace  that  members  of  the 
tail-wagging  fraternity  shall  be  either  confined  constantly  within 
their  kennels,  or  shot  or  bludgeoned  at  eight  if  they  venture  to 
stray  abroad  in  pursuit  of  thcsa  innocent  but  seemingly  important 
investigations  that  form  so  large  a  part  in  the  life  of  a  dog.  County 
Councils  have  taken  action.  The  sages  who  control  the  affairs  of 
London,  having  declined  to  impose  a  covering  on  their  own  baldness, 
have  decided,  by  way  of  compensation,  that  the  heads  of  all  dogs  in 
their  enlightened  jurisdiction  shall  be  confined  in  cages;  and  dull 
men  in  every  part  of  England,  who  have  hitherto  been  content  to 
grumble  at  the  rates,  acd  to  pay  their  butchers'  bills  with  decent 
regularity,  are  now  swelling  proudly  with  the  new-born  inspiration 
of  a  muzzling  mission. 

"  THIS  is  a  dreadful  business,"  said  my  friend  BROADBEAM  to  me 
the  other  day,  in  a  tone  of  the  deepest  gloom,  "  a  dreadful  business. 
I  don't  know  why  the  Government  delay  to  take  action." 

"  Good  Heavens,"  said  I,  for  I  had  not  yet  seen  my  evening  papers, 
and  I  thought  that  possibly  fome  new  and  totally  unexpected  crisis 
had  arisen  for  the  benefit  of  Mr.  ALFRED  AUSTIN  and  the  music-halls. 
"  Good  Heavens!  what  has  happened  ?  Has  Venezuela  broken  loose 
again  and  burnt  Mr.  GEOEGE  CUBZON  and  Sir  ELLIS  ASHMEAD- 
BARTLETT  in  effigy  ?  Or  has  President  KHUGER  demanded  the  head 
of  Mr.  CECIL  RHODES  on  a  charger  ?  Do  not  keep  me  in  suspense, 


BROADBEAM  ;  tell  me  what  has  happened,  for  I  love  my  country,  and 
wish  to  know  the  worst." 

"  "What  I "  asked  BROADBEAM,  his  whole  being-  shaking  like  a 
restive blano-mange with  suppressed  fear;  ""do  you  mean  to  say  you 
baven't  seen  all  the  articles  in  the  papers  about  rabies?  Why 
the  whole  place  is  full  of  mad  dogs,  and  we  shall  all  be  bitten  in  our 
beds "  BB.OADBEAM,  I  should  explain,  has  a  certain  fondness  for 
expressing  himself  melodramatically,  but  not  always  with  strict 
appropriateness.  No  doubt  he  had  read  somewhere  about  people 
being  murdered  in  their  bede. 

I  TBIED  to  soothe  my  unfortunate  friend,  but  the  effort,  though 
well  meant,  was  a  wretched  failure.  He  refused  to  be  comforted, 
and  went  off  in  a  hansom.  Being  a  nervous  man,  he  is  not,  as  a 
rule,  addicted  to  hansoms;  but,  in  his  present  state  of  terror,  the 
word  "  growler"  was  too  fearfully  suggestive,  and  the  comfortable 
cnstomaiy  four-wheeler  was  abandoned.  I  have  reason  to  believe 
that  the  letter  signed  "A  Conservative,  but  a  Patriot,"  which 
appeared  in  a  morning  paper  shortly  afterwards,  was  from  BROAD- 
BEAM'S  indignant  pen.  The  writer,  it  will  be  remembered,  declared, 
with  a  fine  sarcasm,  that  Lord  SALISBURY  might  possibly  manage  to 
spare  a  moment  or  two  from  the  miseries  of  the  Armenians  for  the 
Bufferings  of  the  English  people  at  home.  What  was  the  object  of 
writing  despatches  to  the  SULTAN  when  law-abiding  Englishmen 
were  allowed  to  be  made  the  victims  of  thousands  of  mad  and  prowl- 
ing- dogs  ?  Had  not  the  SULTAN  a  crushing  retort  ready  to  his  hand  ? 
"This  question,"  the  writer  concluded,  "obliterates  all  distinctions 
of  party.  I  have  been  a  loyal  supporter  of  the  present  Government, 
but  there  are  necessary  limits  even  to  party-loyalty,  and,  in  my 
ca£e,  these  limits  have  been  reached." 


HAVING  digested  this  portentous  declaration,  I  turned  to  the 
sixty-ninth  letter  of  "A  Citizen  of  the  World"  by  OLIVER  GOLD- 
SMITH. It  was  entitled  "  The  Fear  of  Mad  Dogs  Ridiculed,"  and 
gives  a  humorous  account  of  the  epidemic  terror  through  which  the 
population  of  these  islands  was  passing  some  hundred  and  thirty 
years  ago.  "A  dread  of  mad  dogs,"  he  says,  "is  the  epidemic 
terror  which  now  prevails;  and  the  whole  nation  is  at  present 
actually  groaning  under  the  malignity  of  its  influence^  The  people 
sally  from  their  houses  with  that  circumspection  which  is  prudent  in 
such  as  expect  a  mad  dog  at  every  turning.  The  physician  publishes 
his  prescription,  the  beadle  prepares  his  halter,  and  a  few  of  unusual 
bravery  arm  themselves  with  boots  and  buff  gloves,  in  order  to  face 
the  enemy  if  he  should  offer  to  attack  them.  In  short,  the  whole 
people  stand  bravely  upon  their  defence,  and  seem,  by  their  present 
spirit,  to  show  a  resolution  of  not  being  tamely  bit  by  mad  dogs  any 
longer.  . . .  The  terror  at  first  feebly  enters  with  a  disregarded 
story  of  a  little  dog,  that  had  gone  through  a  neighbouring  village, 
that  was  thought  to  be  mad  by  several  who  had  seen  him.  The  next 
account  comes  that  a  mastiff  ran  through  a  certain  town,  and  had 
bit  five  geese,  which  immediately  ran  mad,  foamed  at  the  bill,  and 
died  in  great  agonies  soon  after.  . .  .  This  relation  only  prepares 
the  way  for  another  still  more  hideous,  as  how  the  master  of  a  family, 
with  seven  small  children,  were  all  bit  by  a  mad  lap-dog ;  and  how 
the  poor  father  first  perceived  the  infection  by  calling  for  a  draught 
of  water,  when  he  saw  the  lap-dog  swimming  in  the  cup. . . .  My 
landlady,  a  good-natured  woman,  but  a  little  credulous,  waked  me 
some  mornings  ago  before  the  usual  hour  with  horror  and  astonish- 
ment in  her  looks. ...  A  mad  dog  down  in  the  country,  she  assured  me, 
had  bit  a  farmer,  who,  soon  becoming  mad,  ran  into  his  own  yard 
and  bit  a  fine  brindled  cow ;  the  cow  quickly  became  as  mad  as  the 
man,  began  to  foam  at  the  mouth,  and  raising  herself  up  walked 
about  on  her  hind  legs,  sometimes  barking  like  a  dog,  and  sometimes 
attempting  to  talk  like  the  farmer.  Upon  examining  the  grounds  of 
this  story,  I  found  my  landlady  had  it  from  one  neighbour,  who  had 
it  from  another  neighbour,  who  had  it  from  very  good  authority." 

WITH  all  our  statistics,  our  sanitary  inspectors,  our  County 
Councils,  and  our  wire  muzzlings.  I  believe  we  are  every  whit  as 
foolish,  as  credulous,  as  liable  to  blind  panic  as  were  our  forefathers 
in  GOLDSMITH'S  day.  In  any  case,  I  am  certain  that  of  all  possible 
remedies  the  cage-muzzle  is  the  most  absurd,  in  that  it  def  eats^  its 
object,  and  is  admirably  calculated  to  promote  the  disease  against 
which  it  is  to  guard  us.  But  I  have  my  consolations.  In  another 
month  or  two  the  country  gentlemen  of  England  will  be  sending  up 
deputations,  and  announcing  in  the  public  prints  that  they  are 
resolved  to  vote  against  a  Government  which  has  basely  allowed  dogs 
to  be  muzzled. 

THEATRICAL  ON  DIT.— In  consequence  of  the  success  of  The  Sign 
of  the  Cross,  the  temporary  manager  of  the  Lyric,  following  the 
example  of  Mr.  William  Stumps,  as  recorded  in  Pickuick.  has  now 
adopted  the  following  signature,  "  WILSON  BABRETT  :  HIS  MARK  X." 
W.  B.  may  have  been  a  long  time  in  "  making  his  mark,"  but  he  has 
done  it  at  last. 


VOL.  ex, 


TI 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON   CHARIVARI.  [FEBRUARY  15,  1896. 


"MY    CAREER    IS    ONLY    BEGINNING!" 

(See  Report  of  Mr.  Rhodes' 's  brief  speech  before  leaving  South  Africa,  Jan.  1896.) 
Per/owner  (loq.}.  "THINK  I  WILL  POSTPONE  APPEARANCE  IN  PUBLIC  AND  GO  BACK  AGAIN." 
"  Mr.  RHODES  will  immediately  return  to  South  Africa.  .  .  .  Curiosity  will  probably  be  whetted  rather  than  allayed  by  this  intimation."— Times'Feb.  8. 


FKBBUABY  15,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


75 


UNCERTAIN-VERY. 


Sportsman  (having  been  knocked  over  by  Breaker  on  boiling  four-year-old),  "  Hi  1  YOU  FOOL  I 
Horse-breaker.  "THAT'S  JUST  WHAT  I  SKZ  TO  THE  COLT,  SIB!" 


WHEBE  THE  DEUCE  ARK  YOU  GOING  J " 


THE  JOKING  OAK. 

(A  Dramatic  Poem  for  recitation.) 

"  PAUSE,  "Woodman,  pause  !     My  fate  is 
known. 

Thy  cruel  axe  I  see. 
Li  st—  since  you've  marked  me  for  your  own — 

To  some  re-marks  from  me." 

The  Woodman  said,  in  tone  abrupt, 
"  A  tree  that  speaks  should  be " 

But  here  the  Oak  did  interrupt, — 
"No,  I'm  not  BEEBBOHM  TREE. 

"  Too  feeble  for  a  lark  I  grow 

To  perch  on  after  dark. 
My  bite  you  do  not  dread,  although 

You  do  care  for  my  bark." 

The  Woodman  ciies,  in'much  surprise, 

"  The  like  I  never  knew  I 
Why,  if  I  trust  my  ears  and  eyes. 

The  Oak  that  spoke  was  Yew  !  " 

41  'Twas  I  indeed."  the  Oak  replied. 

"  Your  ears  did  not  deceive. 
My  leaves  are  sparse,  my  fibre 's  dried. 

Could  not  you  me  re-leave  ?  " 

"  That 's  not  my  trade,"  the  Woodman  said , 

"You  queer  cuss  of  a  quercus. 
Re-Heving  <  fficer !    Not  paid 

Am  I  by  Parish  Work'us. 

"  With  critic's  eye  Ijwill  not  meet 
Your  leaves,  or  green,  or  brown ; 


As  thrift  high  salaries  must  treat, 
83  I  must  cut  you  down." 

To  him  the  Oak,  "  Old  friends  ne'er  cut. 

Be  that  the  woodman's  maxim. 
I  could  a  tale  unfold."    "  Tut.  tut !  " 

The  Woodman  paused, — "  I  '11  ax  him. 

"  How  is  it  you  're  a  Talking  Oak  P 

Just  answer  that,  old  chap." 
The  Oak  replied,  "  Excuse  the  joke, 

I  'm  full  of  verbum  sap." 

The  Woodman  staggered.    Sad  to  tell, 
He  knew  but  one  retort, 


A  cutting  one ! ....  The  old  tree  fell. 

One  blow  had  out  him  short. 
The  Woodman  by  the  fall  was  crush' d 

As  by  a  load  of  bricks ! 
Both  Joking  Oak  and  Woodman  1  hush'd  I 

They  've  gone  across  the  Styx. 

"HOW  ART  THOU  TRANSLATED  I" 
SIB,— In  a  letter,  written  in  French  to  the 
Times  last  week,  read  aloud  to  me  by  a 
friend  who  flatters  himself  as  much  on  the 
correctness  of  his  accent  as  I  pride  myself  on 
my  comprehension  of  the  language  when 
pronounced  in  my  hearing  by  an  educated 
Parisian,  I  noticed  the  words"Pafot«  Moral." 
A  year  and  a  half,  I  regret  to  say,  has  elapsed 
since  last  I  visited  the  gay  city,  and  then 
the  entertainment  at  the  Palais  Royal  was, 
as  ever,  broadly  farcical,  and,  as  English 
ladies  say,  "  Oh  so  French,  you  know !  Is 
it  possible  that  our  gay  old  "  Palais  Royal," 
the  home  of  Le  plus  heureux  des  trots^  and 
many  other  irresistibly  funny  improbabilities, 
has  been  converted  into  a  "Palais  Moral"  P 
Or  is  there  a  Palais  Moral  set  up  in  opposi- 
tion to  the  Palais  Royal  f 

Yours,       "  UN  Qui  SAIT." 
fEeferring  to  the  letter,  we  find  that  the  expres- 
sion used  was  the  "palais  moral."     E»pdrons  que 
notre  "  wn  qui  sait "  await  toujoun  "  k  palats 
fin."— ED.]     ________ 

LABGELY  PATBONISED  BY  SPOBTING  HEADS 
NOW.— The  Spring  Handi-caps. 


76 


PUNCH,    OK   THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [FEBRUARY  15,  1896. 


MR.  PUNCH'S  PATENT  MATINEE  HAT, 
FITTED  WITH  BINOCULAR  GLASSES  FOB  THE  BENEFIT  OF  THOSB 
SITTING  BEHIND  ITS  WEARER. 


SOMEBODY'S  LETTER. 

SCENE — A  Study.     Greatly  Esteemed  Statesman  discovered  hanging 

up  a  considerably  damaged  hat  and  a  little  used  shillelagh. 
Greatly  Esteemed  Statesman  (returning  to  his  desk,  upon  which 
rests  an  all  but  completed  letter).  There  1  Now  that  I  have  put  back 
my  emblems  of  service  and  authority,  I  can  resume  my  literary 
studies.  How  delightful  it  is  to  he  once  again  amongst  my  books  ! 
No  longer  provoked  and  worried  I  No  longer  almost  induced  to  give 
a  severely  irritating  opponent  a  good  hard  knock !  No  longer  de- 
nounced by  half  the  Press  of  my  native  country,  and  contemptuously 
bullied  by  the  remainder.  Able  at  last  to  sit  down  in  an  easy-chair, 
with  the  comforting  dignity  of  a  scholar  and  a  gentleman.  "Why  I 
do  believe  that  I  shall  be  able  to  drink  a  cup  ol  tea  in  peace  I  No 
more  shoutings  and  yellings,  and  all  sorts  of  hideous  interruptions  I 
I  retire  from  the  toil  and  tumult  and  heartburning  of  political  con- 
test, to  resume  the  peaceful  pleasure  of  justly-appreciated  author- 
ship. But  let  me  read,  for  the  last  time,  my  letter,  to  see  if  I  have 
forgotten  anything  I  wish  to  be  remembered.  (Peruses  his  epistle.) 
Yes,  I  give  in  my  resignation  plainly  enough  I  But  what  an 
omission!  (Writes,  and  then  reads.)  "I  need  not  tell  you  with 
what  regret  I  make  this  announcement."  No,  I  needn't ! 

[Greatly  Esteemed  Statesman  smiles  as  the  scene  closes  in  upon 
-      a  tableau  of  intense  felicity. 

"GOING  TWO  BETTER!" 

'GooD  news  for  those  whom  business,  or  pleasure,  or  a  combination 
of  both,  takes  to  France  per  L.  C.  and  D.  night-boats.  The  Dover 
having  satisfactorily  passed  her  examination  on  the  Clyde  (the 
exam  is  a  pretty  stiff  one),  is  to  be  followed  by  The  Calais,  and 
these  two  will  supersede  the  Continental  travellers'  old  friends,  The 
Foam  and  The  Wave.  What  need  now  of  any  Channel  Tunnel, 
when  no  passenger  need  fear  sea-sickness ;  for  how  can  there  be  any 
mal-de-mer  in  the  absence  of  Wave  and  Foam  f  They  are  to  travel 
at  the  rate  of  "  eighteen  knots  per  hour,"  which  is  "  three  knots  in 
excess  of  old  rate."  Consequently  the  sooner  will  the  trajet  be 
over.  But  will  this  gain  give  any  extra  time  for  a  petit  souper,  en 
route,  at  th'e  celebrated  Calais  buffet  of  the  Gare  Maritime  ?  May 
this  be  so,  since,  at  that  "very  witching  time  of  night,"  there  is 
nothing  so  sustaining  to  the  vacuus  viator  as  the  comforting 
bouillon,  served  just  hot  enough,  and  not  too  hot,  for  immediate 
consumption,  accompanied  by  a  glass  of  "the  generous,"  at  one 
franc  the  half  bottle.  To  be  compelled  to  travel  to  Paris  as  "an 
empty "  is  poor  fun,  false  economy,  and  a  bad  start,  whether  for 
pleasure  or  business.  •'  

MISTAKEN  IDENTITY. — "During  bis  visit  fo  Constantinople,  Mr. 
HEBBEET  GLADSTONE  has  been  persistently  followed  by  five  of  the 
SULTAN'S  spies." 


MILD  MCCARTHY. 

A  LAY  OF  A  LOST  LEADER. 

AIR — ' '  Ewniswrfhy. " 
YE  may  thravel  over  Europe,  yes,  and  the  U-nited  States, 
Ye  may  meet  wid  many  leaders  wid  sound  hearts  and  level  pates, 
But  the  pride  of  snug  tea-parties  and  the  glory  of  his  mates, 

Was  "  dear  JUSTIN,"  mild,  magnanimous  MCCARTHY. 
It  was  early  he  tuk  breakfast,  it  was  late  he  wint  to  bed, 
He  never  ceased  his  labours  hard— or  leastway— so  'twas  said— 
And  the  praise  of  patriotism  was  a  laurel  for  his  head, 
And  its  light  was  like  a  nimbus  round  MCCARTHY. 

Chorus : — 

Home  Rule  he  was  a  tower  in, 
Debate  he  was  a  power  in, 
The  pride  of  Oireland's  pathriotic  Parthy. 
When  shillelaghs  all  went  whacking, 
And  the  skulls  of  Pats  were  cracking, 
The  fairest  chance  of  peace  was  in  MCCARTHY. 
But  in  spite  of  JUSTIN'S  gintleness,  some  disperate  rows  arose, 
MCCARTHY  did  Ms  best  for  to  conciliate  the  foes ; 
But  stick  would  clash  wid  cudgel,  yes  and  fist  encounter  nose, 

It  was  that  which  played  the  mischief  wid  MCCARTHY. 
For  raspy  REDMOND  did  his  best  to  knock  TIM  HEALY  down, 
They  all  fought  wid  one  another,  'stead  o'  foightin'  'gin  the  Crown, 
And  DILLON,  SEXTON,  DAVJTT— all  rare  warriors  of  renown — 
Seemed  danoin'  like  mad  divils  round  MCCARTHY. 

Chorus  .—Home  Rule  he  was  a  tower  in,  &o. 

Now,  JUSTIN  was  a  gentle  bhoy,  who  loved  romance  and  rhymes, 

And  likeways  wished  to  finish  off  a  History  of  his  Times,— 

Which  had  been  exceeding  rough  ones,  amidst  quarrels,  rows,  and 

crimes — 

So  he  gave  up  tryin'  to  lead  the  Oirish  Parthy. 
Says  MCCARTHY,  "  Thanks  to  Providence,  my  task  at  last  is  done! 
1  '11  git  back  to  my  books  again,  and  have  some  peace  and  fun  I  " 
But  if  they  wish  their  sphlit-up  Parthies  welded  into  one, 
They'll  scarce  find  a  fitter  leader  than  MCCARTHY  1 

Chorus : — 

Home  Rule  he  still  may  tower  in, 
Parliament  be  a  power  in ; 

Bat,  faix !  Auld  Oireland's  shamrock: sporting  Parthy, 
When  the  sticks  again  are  whacking, 
And  the  skulls  once  more  are  cracking, 
May  miss  dear,  mild,  magnanimous  MCCARTHY  1 

THE  NEW  SPORT  OF  "THANKFULLY  RECEIVED." 

Eules  of  the  Game. 

1.  ANY  number  of  players  can  take  part  in  this  pastime. 

2.  The  players  shall  consist  of  a  limited  number  of  conductors  and 
any  amount  of  distinguished  contributors. 

3.  When  all  is  ready  to  begin,  the  conductor  writes  out  a  number 
of  questions  of  a  miscellaneous  character,  such  as  "  What  is  your 
opinion  upon  street  music  ?  "  "  Why  do  you  or  do  you  not  patronise 
the  Stores  ?  "  or  "  What  are  your  favourite  books,  and  why  do  you 
prefer  them  P  " 

4.  The  conductor  then  distributes  the  written  questions  amongst 
the  distinguished  contributors,  and  waits  for  the  answers,  which, 
when  received,  count  as  "  copy." 

5.  If  the  conductor  gets  a  reply  to  some  such  question  as     Should 
the  clergy  visit  theatres  ?  "  from  the  Archbishop  of  CANTERBURY,  he 
scores  one  on  account  of  the  quality  of  the  copy. 

6.  Should  a  question  remain  unanswered  by  a  player,  the  conducto: 
passes  it  on  to  the  most  likely  distinguished  contributor,  and  the 
non-answerer  becomes  a  non-contributor,  and  ceases  to  have  an 
interest  in  the  game. 

7.  Should  a  distinguished  contributor  require  payment  for  1 
answer,  considering  it  copy,  the  conductor  withdraws  the  questio 
and  sends  it  to  someone  of  the  non-contributor's  profession  and 
standing  unlikely  to  demand  remuneration.    When  the  conductor 
receives  a  gratuitous  reply  he  scores  again. 

8.  When  the  conductor  uses  a  contributor  to  obtain  answers  tx 
series  of  questions  (called  an  "interview")  from  a  second  player, 
then  the  chosen  contributor  may  ask  to  divide  the  profits  ot  1 
interview   with   the   conductor.     Should  the   chosen   contribute! 
succeed  in  Ms  application  he  marks  one,  but  the  second  player, 
however  distinguished,  having  served  his  purpose  in  providing  tl 
materials  of  the  interview,  does  not  count.   _ 

9.  A  conductor  who  sends  out  scores  of  circulars  without  eliciting 
a  reply  is  said  to  "  miss  his  tip,"  and  is  consequently  "  put  out. 

10.  The  winner  of  the  game  is  he  who  obtains  the  best  copy  at  t 
least  cost,  after  allowing  higher  marks  to  quantity  than  to  quality. 


FEBRUARY  15,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


77 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

THE  COMPASSIONATE  PUNTER  TO 
THE  LUCK-FORSAKEN  DAMSEL. 

'TWAS  all  my  fault,  I  know  you  '11 

say 

I  led  your  innocence  astray 
At  Epsom,  when  I  said  I  'd  lay 
Long  odds  against  Sir  Visto. 
And  so  to  make  it  real  fun 
I  ask'd  "  In  fivers  ?  "    You  cried 

"Done!" 
And  when  I  paid  you  what  you  'd 

won, 
Declared  I  was  "  Mephisto ! " 

To-day  how  chang'd  you  seem 

to  be, 

No  longer  merry,  fancy  free, 
Only  too  glad  a  race  to  see, 
Just  to  enjoy  an  outing. 
For  now  you  scan  with  eager  eyes 
The  "Latest  Betting"— wondrous 

wise — 
You  know  when  this  or  that  horse 

"  tries," 

And  love  the  "  bookies"  shout- 
ing. 

There  was  a  time  not  long  ago 
When  at  a  lawn  or  paddock  show, 
In  chiffon,  frill  and  furbelow, 

Than  you  none  could  be  smarter. 
No  more  I  note  that  dainty  grace, 
That  symphony  in  silk  and  lace ; 


H.  I,  M.  the  Sultan  (reading  to  himself  from  his  presentation  copy  of 
Mr.  William  Watson's  sonnets) — 

"  'THOU  WITH  THE  BBIGHTBST  OF  HELL'S  AUREOLES 
DOST  SHINE  SUPREME,  INCOMPARABLY  CROWNED 
IMMORTALLY,  BEYOND  ALL  MORTALS,  DAMNED  I ' 

"WELL,  I'M 1    I  MEAN,  BISMILLAH!" 


You.' ve  lost  your  pride  in  Fashion' s 

race, 
And  rarely  face  the  starter. 

Is  it  too  late  to  bid  you  leave 
The  course  that  ever  must  deceive  P 
Your  losses  you  may  yet  retrieve 

And  make  up  all  your  misses. 
I '  ve  such  a  tip ! — a  splendid  thing ! 
A  match  that  must  good  fortune 

bring ! — 
Say,  will  you  try  another  ring, 

And  bet  with  me  in  kisses  ? 


"Nursery  Erudition"  in  a 
Nutshell. 

["ALFRED'S  name,  and  the  tales 
that  clustered  round  it,  formed  the 
most  enthralling  pages  of  nursery 
erudition."—  Mr.  Auttin's  Preface  to 
"England's  Darling.''] 

SING  a  song  of  ALFRED  I 

Rhymester's  all  awry. 
"England's   Darling"  erst  was 
praised 

By  Poet  Laureate  PTE. 
Deeming  the  course  was  open, 

AUSTIN  the  same  did  sing, 
Was  not  that  a  shocking  fate 

For  the  great  Saxon  King  ? 


THE     REAL     "  INTOLERABLE 
STRAIN."— Street  organs. 


(To  befitted  up  by  those  "in  the  know.") 

WORD  of  preface.  New  feature.  Brevity  order  of  the  day.  Light 
touch.  Light  come.  Light  go.  Give  outline.  Shading  superfluous. 
Last  idea  of  the  artists— very  clever.  "  Why  dot  your  i's  ?  "  "  Why 
cross  your  t's  f  "  Leave  something  to  the  imagination.  Do  it  now 
instead  of  later.  Saving  at  any  rate  in  legacy  duty. 


HUNTING  story.  A  man  angry.  Another  man  angry  too.  Language. 
Took  the  dogs  home.  "  Congratulations."  Office  of  telegram's 
origin — Berlin. 

LEAP  Year.  Women  proposing  everywhere.  Man  never  knows 
when  he  may  lose  singularity.  One  fellow  reads  first  column  daily. 
Says  he  must  keep  his  eye  on  "  the  marriages."  If  he  didn't,  might 
miss  his  own  wedding. 

FEW  points.  He  heard  it  at  the  Club.  Fan  found  in  the  private 
box.  With  the  menu.  But  she  needn't  hava  lost  her  temper.  For 
it  wasn't  the  fault  of  the  spaniel.  They  wondered  at  the  Stock 
Exchange.  Not  that  it  affected  the  conservatory.  For  he  was 
wearing  a  blue  domino.  And  she  threw  up  the  part  at  the  last 
moment.  However,  it  kept  the  congregation  waiting.  The  pew- 
opener  suggested  a  key.  But  it  didn't  matter  much,  as  the  mail- 
boat  was  not  running.  So  she  said  she  preferred  Olympia.  Which 
certainly  astonished  her  mother.  Hitherto  a  most  indulgent  parent. 
But  what  can  be  done  when  the  coachman  flatly  refuses  to  bring  out 
the  horses '(  It  certainly  was  frosty  weather,  and  the  bracelet  had 
gone  to  be  mended.  But  that  needn't  have  put  off  the  lecture.  For, 
after  all,  the  Royal  Institution  is  the  Royal  Institution.  Especially 
when  diamonds  are  trumps  three  times  running.  So  they  preferred 
to  stay  at  Nice  instead  of  Monte  Carlo.  At  the  suggestion  of  the 
curate.  At  least,  that  was  the  tale  told  by  the  Squire  at  the  hunting 
breakfast.  But  it  was  injudicious  to  talk  about  their  meeting  at 
Niagara.  You  can  skate  on  thin  ice  anywhere.  So  said  the  Duke, 
when  they  a«ked  his  Grace's  opinion.  But  they  shouldn't  have 
turned  out  the  guard,  tor  in  spite  of  his  riband  he  wasn't  a  field 
officer.  And  it  was  thoughtless  at  four  o'clock  in  the  morning.  So 
they  observed  at  the  War  Office.  And  they  ought  to  know.  Not 
that  it  wasn't  annoying  after  they  had  ordered  the  table  d'hote 
luncheon.  Extenuating  circumstances  was  the  verdict.  But  they 
are  all  wondering  how  it  will  end.  For  the  dog-cart  was  smashed  to 
atoms,  and  no  one  could  find  the  lost  certificate. 

AND  now  I  have  referred  to  all  the  stories  "  going  the  rounds."  At 
least,  so  says  the  Judge  of  the  High  Court. 

FEMA.LE  DEFINITION  OF  LEAP  YEAK. — Miss  Understood. 


THE  INFANT  REFORMED. 

(A  Dialogue  Dedicated,  with  Mr.  Punch's  Compliments,  to  those  wJio 
rely  upon  Figures. ) 

Compiler  of  Statistics.  Now,  my  little  man,  I  presume  you  are 
quite  well  P 

Child  between  flve  and  ten.  Yes,  tank  you ;  me  bery  well. 

Compiler.  Never  had  a  day's  illness,  eh  ? 

Child.  Never  dat  me  knows  of. 

Compiler.  That 's  right,  and  have  you  been  told  that,  taking  the 
years  1841  to  1860,  the  death-rate  of  children  under  five  years  old 
was  71 '2? 

Child.  Me  ha«,  and  dat  between  years  1886  to  1890  death-rate 
only  61'9. 

Compiler.  Certainly,  my  dear;  you  are  accurate  to  a  decimal 
point.  And  can  you  now  tell  me  what  has  been  the  death-rate  for 
the  same  periods  for  children  like  yourself,  between  five  and  ten  ? 

Child.    Me  thinks  9 '3  and  4'9.    Am  me  right  ? 

Compiler.  Quite  right.  You  are  a  very  good  little  boy,  indeed ; 
and  now  tell  me,  is  not  this  decreise  attributable  to  improved 
sanitary  arrangements  P 

Child.  Bery  possible.  Me  likes  the  booful  green  fields  and  great 
big  playgrounds.  Me  likes  'em  bery  much,  indeed ! 

Compiler.  Of  course  you  do  I  very  natural,  too !  But  don  t  you 
think  it  probable  that  the  abstention  from  alcohol  during  the  later 
period  has  had  something  to  do  with  it  P 

Child.  Yes,  yes.  Me  live  longer  dan  the  oder  ickle  boys  and 
girls,  'cos  the  oder  ickle  boys  and  girls  were  naughty  ickle  boys  and 
girls  I 

Compiler.  I  am  glad  to  hear  you  say  so,  although,  perhaps,  it  was 
not  entirely  their  fault.  But  why  do  you  think  the  children  who 
preceded  you  were  naughty  ? 

Child.  'Cos  dey  all  took  to  drinking  I 

Compiler.  A  most  intelligent  response  I  and,  to  mark  my  apprecia- 
tion of  your  replies  to  my  questions,  I  beg  to  present  you  with 
twopence.  What  will  you  buy  with  it  ? 

Child.  Me  will  buy  nice  sweeties. 

Compiler.  But  you  will  avoid  brandy-balls  ? 

Child.  Acourse  me  will.  Me  buy  sugar-stick,  not  brandy-balls. 
Why  me  not  buy  brandy-balls  ?  'Cos  me  am  total  abstainer  I 

[Exeunt  severally. 

A  LINE  FOR  LAUREATES. 

MEM.  for  all  future  patriotic  Odes : — 

The  old  "  Path  of  Empire"  now  should  be  its  RHODES! 


NEW  NAME  FOR  THE  PRESENT  AGE.— The  German  Sauce-age  1 


78 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  15,  1896. 


ALL    IS    IN    A    NAME. 

'  WELL,  DARLING,  YOU  HAYS  GOT  A  SWAGGER  FROCK  ON,  TBIS  TIME  I" 
"IT'S  AOT  A  FROCK,  HENRY."        "WHY,  WHAT  is  IT,  THEN?" 
"THE  NEWSPAPERS  CALL  IT  A  CREATION  OF  MADAME  ALDEGONDE'S  I" 


IN  PAINTERS'  CORNER, 

MONDAY,  FEBRUARY  3,  1896. 
f"  He  may  become  as  eminent  as  he  plf  ages."  — 
Hiram  Pou-irs.     "!/EIGHTON  has  painted  many 
noble  pictures,  but  his  life  is  more  noble  thiu 
them  all."—  Mr.  G.  F. 


PROPHET  and  praise-awarder,  both  were  right  ; 
And  here  to-day,  beneath  St.  Paul's  grey 

dome, 

History  ODD  firms  the  sculptor'sforecast  bright, 
And  the  great  painters  tribute.    He's  at 

home 

Here,  with  the  genial  genius,  courtly  toul, 
And  true  Art-friend,  Sir  JOSHUA.    Here 

to  lie 

Near  REYNOLDS  is  a  royal  fate,  a  goal 
At  onee  fulfilling  praise  and  prophecy. 


A  noble  course  right  nobly  run,  and  since 

Noblesse  oblige,  his  manners  matched  his 

Art. 
Fine  painter-skill,  the  bearing  of  a  prince, 

CRICHTON'  s  accomplishments, — in  every  part 
His  life  was  of  a  piece,  crowned  with  a  death 

Painful  but  manfully  patient, — noble  still  1 
Disparagement's  malign  and  peevish  breath 

Here  may  not  penetrate,  nor  venom  kill 
The  fame  which  is  the  fruit  of  cultured  days, 

Ripening  despite  the  canker  and  the  blight 
Of  pestilent  petty  things,  in  whom  all  praise 

Save  of  their  nobby-idols,  genders  spite : 
Great  if  not  quite  among  the  greatest,  here 

A  noble  artist,  of  a  noble  life, 
Rests,  with  a  fame  that  lives,  and  needs  not 
fear 

Detraction,  or  the  hour's  ephemeral  strife. 


TO  A  CAUTIOUS  STOCKBROKER. 

You  recommecd  Consols,  the  one 
Investment  absolutely  sound; 

Home  Rails  perhaps  I  need  not  shun, 
If  nothing  better  can  be  found. 

For  comfort  has  more  charms  than  wealth  ; 
Let  ease  with  placid  calm  combine. 

Since  sleepless  nights  the  best  of  health 
Will  undermine. 

Consols?    Bless  me,  I  can't  afford 
To  live  on  one  or  two  per  pent.  I 

The  workhouse  then  must  give  me  board 
And  lodging,  free  from  rates  and  rent. 

I  came — I  'm  hanged,  you  've  made  me  shy  1 
My  brightest  hopes  I  half  resign. 

What  will  you  think  of  me  if  I 
Suggest  a  mine  ? 

You  frown.    I  know  what  you  will  say — 
That  sleepless  nights  will  be  my  lot, 

That  I  shall  pine  and  fade  away. 
And  die  a  pauper,  shall  I  not  r 

To  pause  before  it  is  too  late, 
Though  cent,  per  cent,  sounds  very  fine, 

Or  ruin  is  the  certain  fate 

Of  me  and  mine. 

1,1s now  you  're  right,  I  'm  quite  ashamed  ; 

To  avarice  there  should  be  bounds ; 
And  yet  the  sum  I  have  not  named, 

I  only  meant  a  hundred  pounds. 
Now  mines  are  low  it  teems  no  sin 

To  risk  a  rise.    You  won't  decline 
To  buy  ten  shares — I  shook  you  P— in 
The  Bunkum  Mine. 


THE  PROGRESSIVE  PHOTOGRAPH. 

(From  a  Matter-of-  Coming-Fact  Romance. ) 

"You  are  greatly  changed,"  said  ADOLPHUS 
to  his  friend,  after  a  pause.  ' '  I  have  not  seen 
you  for  a  year.  When  we  last  met  you  were 
the  merriest  of  the  merry.  What  have  become 
of  your  quaint  quips — your  comic  cranks  P" 

"Gone,  all  gone,"  returned  HORATIO, 
gloomily. 

"Your  company  is  certainly  depreising," 
the  other  continued.  "When  we  bade  each 
other  adieu,  twelve  months  since,  it  was  with 
a  pleasing  jest,  and  a  mirth-compelling  anec- 
dote. I  remember  how  you  made  me  laugh  at 
the  story  of  SNOOKS'  infatuation  for  photo- 
graphy. He  had  learned  how  to  reproduce  the 
hitherto  hidden  bones  of  the  living  hand." 

"  Speak  not  of  SNOOKS,"  HORATIO  muttered, 
in  a  tone  suggest  ive  of  apprehension.  ' '  Would 
that  I  had  never  met  bun." 

"And  yet  he  was  a  man  of  intellect.  He 
never  seemed  tired  of  making  experiments." 

"  It  was  that  love  of  investigation  that  has 
proved  my  curse,"  cried  the  hapless  HORATIO. 
"  He  was  not  satisfied  with  merely  photo- 
graphing the  human  frame  as  he  found  it  in 
the  breathing  body.  He  extended  his  opera- 
tions until  now  I  am  completely  in  his  power  1 " 

"  I  do  not  understand  you  I " 

"  Who  would  P  "  queried  the  grief-stricken 
victim,  wearily;  "and  yet  what  I  say  is  true. 
SNOOKS  is  in  the  possession  of  a  secret  I 
thought  safe  from  all  the  world.  He  knows 
what  I  had  hoped  had  been  buried  in  the 
never-to-be-remembered  past." 

"You  are  more  mysterious  than  ever! 
Pray  explain  yourself." 

"  Jt  is  the  curse  of  the  camera  I  " 

ADOLPHUS  glanced -at  his  friend  uneasily. 
A  suspicion  had  entered  his  mind. 

"No,"  said  HORATIO,  sadly,  "I  am  not 
mad.  With  the  assistance  of  photography 
SNOOKS  has  discovered  something  that  fills  me 
with  fear."  There  was  a  pause.  Then  came 
the  explanation  in  a  terror-inspired  whisper. 

"  He  has  succeeded— it  is  true  after  many 
failures— in  taking  a  carte  of  the  skeleton  in 
the  cupboard  I  " 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.— FEBRUARY  15,  1896. 


"JUST  A-GOIN'   TO  BEGIN! 


PROFESSOR  S-L-SB-RY  (P.P.R.).  "  NOW,  MY  SPORTIN'  GENTS,  'ERE  'S  THE  'ATFIELD  PET  AND  THE  BRUMMAGEM 

BRUISER— WHO 'LL  HAVE  'EM  ON  WITH  EITHER  OF  'EM?" 


FEBRUARY  15,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI, 


80NC  _OF  THE  NEW  NOVEL- 
READER. 

AIB — "Iccmnot  sing  the  old  songs" 

I  CANNOT  read  the  old  books! 

They  always  bore  me  so. 
I  never  read  the  old  books, 

They  are  so  dull  and  clow. 
DICKEKS  and  SCOTT  are  awful  rot, 

LYTTON  'a  pure  fiddlededee. 
I  cannot  read  the  old  books, 

They  give  the  hump  to  Me ! 

I  cannot  read  the  old  books  I 

Just  think  of  Rasselas  ! 
BIBRELL  calls  JOHNSON  hero, 

/call  him  an  old  ass. 
GOLDSMITH  and  BUBKE  I  always 
shirk, 

DBYDEN  and  POPE  I  flee. 
I  cannot  read  the  old  books, 

They  're  far  too  "  dry  "  for  Me ! 

I  cannot  read  the  old  books ! 

DICKENS  is  dreadfully  low ; 
I  once  could  laugh  o'er  Pickwick, 

But  that  was  long:  ago. 
I  tried  a  bit  of  Chuzzlewit 

The  other  day,  to  see. 
But  I  cannot  read  the  old  "  Boz," 

Sam  Wetter  sickens  Me  I 

I  cannot  read  the  old  books  I 

I  'm  forced  to  skip  and  dodge. 
THACKEBAY  's  such  a  proser, 

And  SCOTT  's  a  fearful  stodge. 
Di  Vernon  is  old-fashioned  "biz," 

And  Becky \  so  is  she. 
I  cannot  stand  those  old  "  crocks," 

They  have  no  charm  for  Me ! 

I  cannot  read  the  old  books  I 
They  've  neither  style  nor  chic. 

Their  men  are  so  provincial, 
Their  maids  so  milky  meek. 


DOLLY'S    CLASSICS. 

"THE  LAOCOON." 


They're  not  "sincere,"  and  o: 
small  beer 

Their  chronicles  all  be. 
I  cannot  stand  their  old  "  spoons,' 

Their  bleat  just  sickens  Me  1 

I  cannot  bear  the  old  books  I 
They   make    me   squirm   and 

blench. 

They've  no  dusk  touch  of  Nor- 
way, 
They  've    no    sharp    dash    o: 

French. 
Nay,  you  will  miss  "  analysis." 

With  which  the  Yank's  soiree 
I  cannot  stand  the  "  old  gang," 
They've  no  phil-OB-o-phy! 

I  cannot  read  the  old  books ! 

You  see  I  'm  up-to-date ! 
My  cult  is  of  the  new  gods, 

Faun-Passion,  Fury- Fate. 
The  great  god  Pan   to  Modern 
Man 

Is  chief  divinity. 
I  cannot  bow  to  old  gods, 

They  're  fetish  frumps  to  Me ! 

I  will  not  read  the  old  books  I 

They  're  so  unsound  on  Sex  1 
They  grovel  to  the  Grundy-bonds 

That  virile  readers  vex. 
They  're  non-erotic,  crass,  chaotic, 

Art's  earliest  ABC. 
No.  no  I    /read  the  New  Books. 

They  thrill  and  tickle  Me ! 


ON  HIS  "  CUBZONARY  "  RE- 
MARKS.— A  propos  of  Mr.  CURZON 
and  his  burglarious  simile,  M. 
FRANCIS  DE  PRESSENSE,  Foreign 
Editor  of  Le  Temps,  wrote  a 
thoroughly  Press-  sense-  ble  to  the 
Times  last  Friday. 


FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  A  LAUREATE. 

HANG  it!  "Wish  some  other  fellow  hadn't  written  "Rule, 
Britannia"  It  would  come  in  now  admirably.  Wonder  if  any- 
body knows  anything  more  of  it  than  the  chorus  P  Let  me  see— 
how  did  first  verse  commence  ? 

"When  Britain  first  at  Heaven's  command 

Arose  from  out  the  azure  main." 
Capital  I  just  exactly  what  I  was  thinking  of  I  bother  it  I  It 's  the 
idea!  Can't  get  it  out  of  my  head.  Happy  Thought.— I  see— 
"Britain  first "  is  the  keynote.  "  First " :  beginning  at  the  begin- 
ning—good,— that  's  it — must  make  a  start  somehow. 

"  In  the  beginning  when " 

Ahem !  sounds  scriptural.  Um.  Well,  why  not  ?  I  will.  Sappy 
Thought. — Develop  idea  of  Britain  "  in  the  beginning — when," 
what  ?  Go  back  a  little.  What  is  comprised  in  the  word  "Britain  "  ? 
Island :  water— sea— shore— shingle— (bravo !  note  down  "  shingle  ") 
— beach — fields — woods — fastnesses!  Whoop!  Lovely  word  " fast- 
nesses." Can't  fit  it  in.  Pity!  What  colour  "fastnesses"?  Grey! 
Splendid !  I  And  fields— what  colour  fields  ?  Depends  on  time  of 
year.  Happy  Thought. — Any  time  of  year  will  do.  Poetry,  not  for 
any  particular  season,  but  for  all  time.  Say  "  green  "  for  choice.  Got 
"Grey  fastnesses  and  green  fields."  No,  no;  common-place ; 
and  "  fastnesses  "—beautiful  word — but  can't  fit  it  into  metre. 

Query—  Change  metre  ?  No:  I'm  strung  up  for  this  jerky  put- 
'em-together-anyhow-chaotic-sort-of-pre-creation-of-world  metre. 
Must  stick  to  it.  It's  original.  And  what  I  like  is  Originality,  if 
one  can  only  get  it!  I've  got  it;  and  I'll  keep  it.  "Grey" — 
"green"— "fast"— "nesses."  By  Jingo  I  that  fg  it !  Omit  the 
"fast"!  Lovely!!  Here:- 

"  Grey-green  nesses." 

Bravo!  braviseimo!  An  inspiration.  What  are  "  nesses  "?  Doesn't 
matter ;  if  /don't  know,  nobody  else  will.  Note  it  down  for  use  when 
wanted.  Sure  to  come  in  somewhere.  Wish  I  could  think  of  some- 
thing new  about  the  sea  I  Should  like  to  call  it  "  the  azure  main," 
but  the  chap  who  wrote  "Rule,  Britannia"  did  that,  hang  him! 
Let  me  sea — no,  I  mean  "see"  (no  levity).  What's  in  the  sea? 
Fish.  Big  fish.  Whales!  Hooray!  Whales!  England  and 
Whales !  that  is  "  Britain."  Oh  dear  I  No,  I  mustn't  joke.  I  must 


curb  my  Pegasus  I  I  must  use  my  Pegasus  as  a  cart-horse.  Cart. 
Horse!  In  field.  Sea  horse  in  "azure  main."  (Dash  "azure 
main"!)  Mariner  "ploughs  sea."  Why  not  "whale"  instead  of 
"mariner"?  Ploughing  the  land  ?  Ploughing  the  water?  Triumph! 
Another  line ! 

"  And  whale-ploughed  water." 

Bee-autiful!  That  will  do  for  to-night.  Bring  in  shingle,  valleys, 
and  mists  to-morrow.  Good  night !  I  do  wish  that  idiot,  whoever 
he  was,  bad  never  written  "Rule,  Britannia."  Deuced  hard  on  me. 


An  Appeal,  when  in  Distress,  to  my  Aunt. 

(By  a  modest  Nephew.) 
SWEET  Aunt,  I  've  lov'd  you  as  I  should, 
And  never  ask'd  you  for  a  stiver. 
I  'm  in  a  mess  I  must  confess. 
Will  you,  as  dear  old  Uncle  would, 
Upon  my  watch  advance  a  "  fiver  "  ? 

A  MUSICAL  HINT. 

AT  St.  James's  Hall  Ballad  Concerts  the  Meistersingers  gave 
GORMAN'S  "Whene'er  I  Gaze.'1  This  was  announced  in  the 
papers  everywhere.  Of  course  GAZE  deserves  this  publicity.  We 
are  not  "  a  deniging  of  it."  Bat  wouldn't  it  be  fair  and  square 
towards  the  other  and  elder  firm  of  tourists'  agents  if  the  same  sweet 
warblers  were,  alternately  with  this,  to  give  a  madrigal  entitled, 
"  Whene'er  I  Cook"  f  We  are  not  aware  of  the  existence  of  such 
a  concerted  piece,  but  surely  it  might  be  at  once  written,  composed, 
and  performed.  Then  one  verse,  as  an  ensemble,  would  do  justice 
to  both  these  estimable  and  useful  Travelling  houses.  As  thus  :— 
"Whene'er  I  Gaze  on  amounts 

For  travels,  reduced  they  be ; 
Whene'er  I  Cook  my  accounts 

I'm  saving  my  £.  *.  d. 

This  verge  is  just  given  gratis,  as  a  mere  suggestion,  by  our  own 
Private  Laureate — not  ALFRSDO  euro — and  may  be  used,  applied, 
and  developed,  by  the  Meistersinger-in-Chief,  for  the  public  benefit, 
and  his  own,  whenever  he  takes  it. 


82 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY   15,    1896. 


Old  Jones.    "Yes,  MY  BOY,   THXRS 's  WINE  FOB  YOU,  KH  I 

WORTH  OF  IT  THK  OTHBB  DAY." 

Brown.  "WHAT  A  LOT  YOTT  MUST  HAVE  CM>T  1" 


I  BOUGHT  TES  POUNDS 


THE  PALL  OP  POGSON. 

FOGSON  had  been  absent  for  more  than  a 
year  from  the  meetings  of  our  photographic 
club,  and  most  of  us  would  have  borne  the  loss 
with  some  fortitude  if  he  had  never  returned 
at  all.  It  was  undeniable  that  FOGSON  took 
better  photographs  than  the  rest  of  us,  bat 
this  fact  did  not  justify  the  disparaging  and 
offensive  criticisms  which  he  used  to  utter 
about  the  work  of  his  fellow- members.  In 
his  capacity  as  President,  he  had  even  had  the 
effrontery  to  bestow  the  annual  gold  medal 
upon  himself,  while  declining  to  award  the 
silver  and  bronze  ones  "on  account  of  the 
exceedingly  low  standard  attained  by  the 
exhibitors.' 

So  it  was  not  with  unmixed  sorrow  that  one 
day  we  learnt  from  FOGSCW  his  intention  of 
making  a  tour  round  the  world. 

"I  shall  return,"  he  said,  "with  such  a 
collection  of  pictures  as  you  incompetent 
beginners  cannot  even  imagine." 

Somebody  suggested  that  his  luggage  would 
be  rather  heavy,  if  it  was  to  include  all  his 
apparatus. 

"Not  at  all,"  he  replied,  triumphantly. 
"  I  shall  take  only  one  detective-camera,  spe- 
cially fitted  with  a  film  long  enough  to  take 
five  hundred  pictures.  That  will  be  abso- 
lutely all." 

Someone  else  regretted  that  space  couldn't 
be  found  for  at  least  one  clean  collar.  But 
FOGSON  took  no  notice  of  the  irreverent  sug- 
gestion, and  shortly  afterwards  went  away  to 
obtain  his  new  "Dokak"  from  the  shop,  as 
he  was  to  leave  England  on  the  following  day. 

We  got  on  very  well  in  his  absence.  All 
the  pictures  at  our  annual  exhibition  were  eo 


good  that  year  that  we  decided  to  award 
twenty-four  gold  medals.  Our  club  has  just 
two  dozen  members,  not  including  Fousoy. 

One  evening,  about  thirteen  months  later, 
our  President  suddenly  re  appeared  in  our 
midst.  We  asked  if  his  tour  had  been  suc- 
cessful. "Successful!"  he  exclaimed.  "It 
has  been  magnificent !  My  dear  friends,  you 
may  congratulate  me.  I  have  taken  such  a 
series  of  photographs  as  will  give  me  world- 
wide fame.  I  have  undergone  the  most  un- 
heard-of dangers  and  privations ;  I  have 
climbed  to  the  most  inaccessible  parts  of  the 
earth ;  I  have  been  lowered  in  diver's  drtss, 
with  my  camera,  to  the  bottom  of  the  Pacific ; 
I  have  photographed  a  volcano  in  full  eruption 
from  the  edge  of  the  crater,  I " 

We  interrupted  his  eloquence  to  inquire 
when  the  results  of  his  journey  would  be 
visible. 

"  Almost  at  once,"  he  replied.  "  I  sent  on 
my  '  Dokak'  in  advance  to  Messrs.  LENS  AKD 
HYPO'S,  telling  them  to  develop  my  pictures, 
and  to  send  the  prints  here.  They  may  arrive 
at  any  time." 

At  this  moment  a  page  entered  the  room 
with  a  note,  which  he  nanded  to  FOGSON. 

"Ah,  this  is  from  the  shop,"  he  said, 
quickly  tearing  it  open :  "  now  we  '11  see  ... 
why.  . .  good  heavens !"  He  suddenly  became 
deadly  pale,  and  staggered  backwards  into  a 
chair.  For  a  moment  we  thought  that  he 
was  about  to  have  a  fit. 

"  Read  it !  "  he  laid,  in  a  faint  voice,  drop- 
ping the  letter  to  the  ground.  The  secretary 
picked  it  up,  and  read  aloud  as  follows : — 

"  DEAB  SIB,— Your  camera  is  duly  to  hand. 
We  regret  to  gay,  however,  that  through  an 
oversight — doubtless  due  to  the  haste  with 


which  your  order  had  to  be  executed — no  roll 
of  sensitized  film  was  placed  inside  it.  Thus, 
although  the  rest  of  the  mechanism  is  in 
perfect  order,  there  is,  of  course,  no  record  of 
any  of  the  scenes  which  you  imagined  your- 
self to  be  photographing,  as  the  interior  of 

the  camera  is  absolutely  empty." 

*  *  »  * 

The  Presidentship  was  declared  vacant  next 
day,  and  FOG  SON  has  not  been  heard  of  since. 


THE  PLEA  OP  PLLGAELIC. 

( The  Impecunious  Income-tax  Payer  to  the  Jingo 

Patriot.) 
"  PAT  up  like  a  man,  and  don't  grudge  it !  " 

That 's  grand  patriotic  advice. 
Sir  MICHAEL  projecting  his  Budget, 

No  doubt  feels  exceedingly  nice : 
But  oh  I  when  I  have  to  make  payment 

Of  eightpence— or  more — in  the  pound, 
My  wife,  running  short  of  new  raiment, 

Will  not  look  so  nice,  I  '11  be  bound. 
The  last  three  years'  average,  verily, 

Makes  me  feel  sad  and  look  glum. 
Patriots  perorate  merrily, 

I — pay  my  tax  and  am  dumb. 
But    oh  1    CLEVELAND,   KRUGEB,   RHODES, 
WILL-I-AM, 

And  backers  of  JAMESON'S  raid, 
Can  you  guess  how  alarmed  at  the  bill  I  am, 

Or  with  what  sore  effort  'tis  paid  P 
When  one  has  a  limited  income, 

A.  falling  one,  thoughts  will  obtrude ; 
Wild  wondering  whence  will  the  tinlcome ; 

And  oh !  tax-collectors  are  rude  I 
With  a  rather  exacting  Exchequer, 

And  agents  capricious  and  curt, 
'Tisn't  easy  to  keep  up  one's  pecker, 

Or  even  to  keep  in  one's  shirt. 
When  a  big  tax  is  claimed  in  a  lump,  it 

Comes  hard  on  a  purse  that  is  small, 
I  fear  I  shall  "  go  off  my  crumpet " 

As  taxes  arise,  and  "  screws  "  fall. 
Some  "returns"  are  far  less  than  receivings, 

But  mine,  I  admit  it,  are  more. 
Both  dodges,  no  doubt,  are  deceivings, 

But  oh  I  to  be  sniffed  at  as  poor 
To  tradesmen  and  such  may  spell  ruin. 

And  somehow  things  ivill  get  about. 
Five  hundred !    There 's  little  that 's  true  in 

My  income's  return  I  much  doubt. 
Bat  if  I  put  less  they  might  fancy 

My  business  was  going  to  pot. 
I  try  to  explain  thisCto  NANCY, 

But  she — wanting  bonnets — says  "  rot  I " 
She  'd  give  it  two  hundred  and  fifty, 

And  storm  if  they  deemed  that  too  small ; 
For  women,  though  shifty  and  thrifty, 

Have  no  "  point  of  honour  "  at  all. 
But  when  young  thrasonical  Jingo 

Will  shout "  We  'ye  the  money  1 "  I  wish 
The  spouters  of  patriot  lingo, 

Who  at  my  "  tight  iUtedness"  pish, 
Could  but  know  how  confoundedly  trying 

Tis  sometimes  to  "  scrape  up"  the  tax, 
When  creditors  all  round  are  crying, 

And  current  expenses  so  wax. 
I  don't — when  I  've  got  some  cash — grudge  it 

To  pay  for  our  Navy— oh,  no  ! 
Bat  still,  I  do  hope  the  next  Budget 

May  knock  off  a  penny  or  so  I 


"  Kon  VICTOR."  —  Prince  CHBISTIAN 
YICTOB  of  Schleswig-Holstein  will  of  course 
reside  in  a  Kofi  Palace  on  his  retarn  to  Eng- 
land.   

MIDWAY  IN  THE  FOOTBALL  COMPETITION. 
— "  Half  a  League  onward." 


SUITABLE  NAME  FOB  THE   RAID.  —  The 
Caledonian  Boer-Hunt. 


FKBRUABT  15,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


83 


EXTRACTED  FEOM  THE  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 


House  of  Commons,  Tuesday,  February  11. — Gathering  of  clans 
for  new  campaign.  Customary  competition  for  niche  in  history 
reserved  for  first  man  to  put  in  appearance  on  opening  of  new  session. 
Bat  the  race  only  half-hearted.  Brings  into  sharp  light  the  f  tilling- 
off  since  the  good  old  days  when  DONALD  MACFABLANE,  returned  for 
Argyllshire,  made  his  earliest  mark.  No  half  measures  with  that 
stout  Highlander.  Camped  out  in  Palace  Yard  at  nightfall  preceding 
opening  of  session.  His  plaid  wrapped  round  his  swarthy  limbs ;  a 
flask  of  Scotch  whiskey  hidden  in  its  folds ;  at  hand  a  small  sack  of 
oatmeal  c  ike,  which  served  a  double  debt  to  pay ;  a  pillow  to  begin 
with ;  gradually  thinned  out  as  hunger  grew,  till  its  emptiness  gave 
the  signal  to  arise. 

Used  to  be  tradition  among  police  on  duty  in  those  far-off  days 
that  pigeons  in  Palace  Yard,  haying  dim  notions  of  treasured  nursery 
tales,  thought  MACFABLANE  was  a  Nineteenth  Century  Babe  in  the 
Wood.  Being  early  in  February,  no  leaves  handy;  brought  straws 
and  tenderly  covered  him.  That  probably  mythical  addition  to 
simple  facts  of  original  story. 

No  similar  foundation  available  to-day.  The  earliest  Member 
arrives  at  proeaic  noon ;  the  rest  troop  in  till,  an  hour  before  Mr. 
SPJ? A  K  ER  makes  stately  procession  on  way  to  Chair,  the  long-deserted 
House  once  more  throbs  with  life.  E very bxly  almost  uproariously 
glad  to  see  everyone  ehe  after  separation  which,  after  all,  seems  to 
date  back  only  a  week.  Customary  February  allowance  of  sun- 
light. But  SQTJIBE  OF  MALWOOD  makes  up  for  deficiency  in  that 
matter.  Passes  through  the  throng  like  broad  beam  of  sunlight ; 
his  whole  face  and  figure  a  smile. 

"  Yes,  TOBY,"  he  said,  when  I  remarked  on  his  contagious  hilarity ; 
"  I  begin  to  think  life  is  worth  living.  After  three  last  year?, 
reckon  I  have  earned  right  to  enjoy  myself,  and  forthwith  begin. 
Only  thing  that  troubles  me  is  consideration  of  PBINCE  ABTHUB'S 


position.  Better  than  mine  was,  of  course.  Got  majority  behind  him 
which  would  enable  him  to  snap  his  fingers  at  anything  on  his  side 
which  corresponds  to  our  Irish  section,  our  "Welsh,  our  Whigs?  our 
Radicals,  our  men  who  want  to  go  too  far  in  a  dozen  different  direc- 
tions, our  friends  who  will  not  accompany  them.  Moreover,  he  has 
the  colleagneship  of  DON  JOSE,  and  what  that  means,  either  in 
Cabinet  Council  or  in  other  relations  of  political  comradeship,  only 
those  who  have  enjoyed  it  know.  Still  there  are  cares  and  worries 
which  sit  around  the  pillow  of  Leader  of  House  of  Commons  even 
through  most  restful  nights,  and  in  balmiest  morning.  Maggots 
breed  under  brilliancy  of  noontide  sun.  Now  is  the  very  height  of 
prosperity  for  our  dear  friends  opposite.  An  overwhelming  majority ; 
a  docile  following ;  overflowing  coffers  (which  I  heaped  up) ;  a 
powerf  ol  Navy  (which  SPENCEB  built) ;  the  cloud  of  depression  that 
has  long  laid  over  trade  uplifted ;  a  fair  wind,  a  flowing  tide.  Never 
in  my  recollection — and  I  remember  DJZZY'S  coming-in  in  1874  —never 
was  there  such  a  putting  forth  to  sea  of  the  Conservative  argosy.  And 
you  know  how,  even  in  the  second  voyage  of  Dizzr's  ship,  the  seas 
grew  troubled,  how  storms  increased,  and  how  total  wreckage  befel. 
No,  I  'm  not  chuckling  over  that  prospect  as  looming  along  the  path- 
way of  this  latest  voyage.  Enough  for  me  that  I  am  out  of  the  conning- 
tower,  and  can  commence  once  more  to  enjoy  Parliamentary  life." 
"  And  your  policy  as  Leader  of  the  Opposition  ?  " 
"  Did  you  ever,"  gaid  the  SQUiBE.with  far  away  look  in  his  eyes, 
"hear  of  the  habitual  resource  of  Brer  Rabbit  in  times  of  sudden 
emergency  or  apparently  inextricable  difficulty  ?  '  He  lay  low  and 
said  mil  Ha.'  There  you  have  it,  dear  TOBY.  As  far  as  I  am  con- 
cerned, or  can  control  what  is  left  of  the  Liberal  Party,  for  the  present, 
at  least,  our's  shall  be  the  policy  of  Brer  Rabbit." 

Business  done.— Second   Session  of  Fourteenth   Parliament   of 
Q,aeen  VICTOBIA  opened. 


WICE. 

[Mr.  LINNET,  director  of  the  Illinois  State 
Weather  Bureau,  says  that  the  total  number  of 
arrests  shows  a  marked  increase  of  crime  with  an 
increase  of  temperature,  and  when  there  is  a 
deficiency  of  rainfall.  There  is  a  decrease  of  crime 
during  the  winter  months,  also  when  there  is  a 
rainy  summer,  and  when  the  wind  is  from  the 
south-east  or  south-west.] 

I  KNEW  'twas  so !    When  earth  and  sky 
Announce  the  spring  to  human  senses 

Do  I  not  always  yearn  to  try 
A  little  coup  in  false  pretences  ? 

In  sheets  of  rain  and  seas  of  slime 
Perhaps  our  summer 's  been  a  sparse  'un ; 


Then  something  whispers,  "Now's  your 

time 
To  show  the  world  your  skill  in  arson  I " 

Conversely,  when  I  'd  take  a  shot 

At  being  a  homicidal  hero, 
My  inward  monitor  says,  "  What  1 

Wouldst  murder  with  the  glass  at  zero  ?  " 

And  when  I  poached,  I  should  have  netted 
Ten  toothsome  bunnies  at  the  least, 

Had  not  the  wind — which  I  regretted — 
Turned  suddenly  to  sou'-sou -east. 

So  when  I  tried  embezzlement, 

Why  did  the  crime  stick  in  my  gizzard  ? 
What  was  it  baulked  my  vile  intent  ? 

A  bobby_?^N3,  it  was  a  blizzard. 


And  here 's  a  fact  on  LINNET'S  side — 
Our  culprits  recognise  it  daily — 

E'en  should  the  air  be  cold  outside, 
They  get  it  hot  at  the  Old  Bailey  I 


Church  and  Stage. 
'TwixT  preacher  dull  and  actor,  there 

Is  difference  small  to  show.  Sir. 
The  one 's  a  Proser  dans  sa  cnaire, 

T'other,  on  stage,  a  "  Pro,"  Sir. 

NOTE  ON  RETIREMENT  OF  MR.  J-ST-N 
McC-KTHY.  —  Irish  difficulties  in  a  worse 
plight  than  ever  this  Session,  as  the  balance 
of  parties  needs  a'juttin. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  15,  1896. 


LONG  AGO  LEGENDS. 

YE  PROUDE  CITTIE  MAN,   YE  BYSSHOP  AND  YB 
SPECULATORE. 

A  CERTAYNE  cittie  man  was  in  converse  wythe  a  bysshop.  He 
was  a  proude  cittie  man,  ffor  he  had  a  fay  re  resydaunce  in  Kensyng- 
tone,  and  hys  wyfe  and  daughters  were  fyne  ladyes,  and  one  daye  in 
eveiie  monthe  they  woulde  he  atte  home  to  theyre  ffryendes,  and 

woulde  gyve  each 
herself     ayres 


when  they  dyd 
go  a  shqppynge. 
And  while  they 
were  a  talkynge 
who  shonlde  come 
that  waye  but 

TOMKYNGES,       ye 

grett  dealer  in 
golde  and  dya- 
monde  mynes,  in 
ryche  tyre,  con- 
nynglie  browded, 
wyth  jewellis 
uponehys  handes 
and  raymente, 
and  who  had  a 
firctt  house  in 
Pickadilla,  wyth 
servantes  and 
horses  wythoute 
numbere.  And 
ye  proude  cittie 
man  was  right 

glad  TOMKYNGES 

shoulde  see  hym 
a  talkynge  toe  a 
bysshop,  as  ye 
bysshop  thoulde 

see  he  dyd  knowe  ye  famouse  man ;  and  EOO  stood  alerte  toe  catch 
hys  iye  that  he  myghte  nodde  and  smyle  upon  hym.  But  TOM- 
KYNGES went  hys  waye  with  hys  nose  in  ye  ayre  and  tooke  no  notyce 
ever  so  lyttle. 

"Ye  popinjay  I"  cryed  ye  proude  cittie  man,  who  coulde  not 
restrayne  hys  ire ;  "  why,  my  lorde,  I  dyd  knowe  that  man  when  he 
had  not  a  jyrkyne  toe  hys  back,  and  walked  y*  guttere  callynge 
'  Rags  and  bones  I '  A  ryghte  goode  callynge,  for  he  was  but  rags 
and  bones  hymselfe." 

"  Nay,"  sayd  ye  bysshop,  withe  gentyle  reproofe ;  "  contra  bonos 
mores.  Speak  not  ill  of  olde  ffryendes." 

Ye  proude  cittie  man  toke  hys  leave  -\ 
browe, 


wythe  thoughte  npone  hys 


INGOLDSBY  AND  SHAKSPEAKE. 

'"HE  won't— won't  he?  Then  bring  me  my  boots  I'  said  the 
Baron." 

Now  this  quotation  is  from  the  tale  of  Grey  Dolphin,  which,  as 
everybody  knows  who  reads,  or  has  read,  anything,  is  one  of  the  prose 
ptories  included  in  ihelngoldsby  Legends  written  by  the  Rev.  RICHAHD 
HARRIS  BARIIAM.  Les  grands  fsprits  se  rencontrent  occasionally, 
and  in  this  matter  of  "boots"  SHAKSPEARE  anticipated  Ingoldsby. 
Turn  to  Richard  the  Second,  Act  V.,  Sc.  2.  I  give  it  compressed  :— 

"Duke  of  York.  Give  me  my  boots,  I  say  I 

[Exit  servant  for  boots. 

4 '  Duchess.  What  is  the  matter  P 

"  York.  Bring  me  my  boots."  (This  he  must  shout  loudly  as  the 
servant,  according  to  stage  direction  above,  has  gone  for  them.)  "I 
will  unto  the  king. 

"  Re-enter  servant  with  boots. 

"Duchess  (to  servant).  Hence,  villain !  never  more  come  in  my 
sight." 

[It  was  a  nice  family  to  live  in.  Duchess  is  now  preventing  servant 
from  handing  boots  to  Duke,  while  their  son  ATTMERLE  is 
standing  by.    Pretty  domestic  scene  in  Sigh  life  ! 
"  York  (naturally  irritated).  Give  me  my  boots,  I  say  I  " 

But  the  Duchess  won't  let  him  have  his  boots.  During  the 
remainder  of  the  scene,  while  the  servant,  who  remains  on  the  stage, 
must  be  dodging  about  trying  his  best  to  give  the  Doke  his  boots, 
and  AUMERLE  ig  regarding  the  scene  quietly,  the  Duchess,  now 
throwing  herself  on  her  knees  before  her  husband,  now  embracing 
him,  now  clinging  to  him,  is  perpetually  preventing  the  Duke  from 
sitting  down  quietly  and  putting  on  his  boots.  Finally,  utterly 
exasperated,  the  Dole  exclaims:— 

"Make  way,  unruly  woman  I  "  and  flinging  her  aside  rushes  off 


violently,  followed,  of  course,  by  "  servant  with  boots."  SHAKSPEAKE, 
whose  genius  never  disdained  trifles,  makes  far  more  out  of  the  Duke's 
boots  than  does  Ingoldsby  of  the  Baron's. 

Should  Mr.  FORBES  ROBERTSON  well  and  wisely  determine  on 
reviving  this  play  of  SHAKSPEARE'S,  himself  taking  the  part  of  the 
unhappy  Xing  Richard  the  Second,  with  whom  the  audience  must 
always  be  in  sympathy,  may  I  hope  that  he  will  give  due  prominence 
to  this  particular  tcene,  and  will  take  great  care  that  the  property 
boots  be  effective  ¥  The  Duke  of  York  should  be  played  by  Mr. 
TEBRISS,  specially  engaged.  He  can  "  make-up  elderly  "  ;  and  then 
how  finely  would  he  thunder  forth  "  Give  me  my  boots !  "  For  the 
Duchess,  who  has  to  implore  him  on  her  knees,  let  the  part  be  confided 
to  Mrs.  PATRICK  CAMPBELL.  Mr.  ALEXANDER  should  play  Aumerle ; 
and  the  part  of  the  servant,  who  brings  in  the  boots,  on  whose 
business  with  the  Duke  and  Duchess,  and  on  whose  facial  expression 
the  entire  effect  of  the  scene  depends,  might  be  safely  entrusted  to 
Mr.  PENLEY,  whot  e  performance  in  dumb  show,  when,  with  the  big 
boots  in  his  hand,  he  tries  to  dodge  the  Ducheis,  would  attract  the 
whole  of  London.  Mr.  FORBES  ROBERTSON  will  do  well  to  consider 
this  friendly  hint  from A.  P.  DE  BOTTIS. 

FASHIONABLE  ARRANGEMENTS  (UP  TO  DATE). 

THE  Court  at  Osborne. 

The  German  Emperor  at  or  near  Berlin. 

The  PBIME  MINISTER  at  Downing  Street  and  Hatfield. 

The  Duchess  of  WINKLESEI'S  bazaar  in  aid  of  the  West  African 
Top  Boot  Fund. 

Mr.  A.  J.  BALFOUR  at  Golf  after  meeting  Parliament. 

The  P.  P.  C.  Club  attend  a  meeting  of  the  "  Au  Revoir  "  Associa- 
tion at  Farewell  Ledge. 

Mrs.  TINWHISTLE'S  Small  and  Eaily.    Carriages  at  4  A.M. 

Courts  open  at  Bow  Street,  Marlborough  Street,  Westminster,  &c. 
Sitting  magistrates  in  attendance. 

St.  Paul's  (Whispering  Gallerv),  Madame  TUSSATTD'S  (NAPOIEOS'S 
Carriage).  The  Tower  (Crown  Jewels),  British  Museum  (mummies). 

Constant  trains  from  Waterloo,  Victoria,  Charing  Cross,  London 
Bridge,  Paddington,  Liverpool  Street,  and  other  stations  (punctuality 
not  guaranteed). 

Hanwell.— Entertainment  to  unemployed  patients. 

Company  Meetings. — Bunkum  Railroad  (10),  Salt  Cellars  Limited 
(11.30),  Pigskin  Pavement  (11.45),  Far-above- Boobies  Mine  (12), 
Ashanti  Food  Supply  (12.15),  Thames  Mud  Recovery  (1),  Robbeii- 
JoHberi  Gem  Mines  (1.15). 

Professor  FBIZKLLE  introduces  the  Salubrikon  shaving  soap  at 
St.  Barbe's  Hall,  W. 

THE  BACK  KJTCHIN.  Etruscan  Hall,  diner  d  la  Macedoine,  accom- 
panied by  comic  songs.  3s.  6d.  Tripe  and  larks'  feet  suppers  in  the 
Scandinavian  recess.  Fried  fish  in  the  Jerusalem  Chamber. 

RESTAURANT  SPAGHETTI.  Specialities :  Frogs  legs  and  oysters  a  la 
Piedmontaise  :  Tulti  frutti  d  la  Ghetto.  Private  rooms  for  public 
parties.  Suppers  during  the  theatres. 

Inauguration  of  the  JKamskatka  Boarding  House,  Blopmsbury,  by 
the  Rev.  GINGER  POP.  Refection  at  5.  By  cards  of  invitation  only. 

Great  sale  of  wall-papers  and  window-blinds  at  Messrs.  Siucco 
AND  LATHE,  19,  Great  Cambridge  Street,  W.C. 

Eaormous  sacrifice  of  Irish  Whiskey  Tonic  at  Messrs.  O'Bocus 
AND  SNABK'S.  1008,  St.  Bee's  Lane,  E.G. 

Hairpins,  curlers,  tongs,  &c.,  amounting  to  £55,347  5s.  2d.t  at 
TOTTPET'S,  ChevaUne  House,  Conqueror  Street,  W. 

At  BANAGHER'S,  Crimpside  (the  only  house  established  1895)  two 
million  rabbit  and  rat-skin  pelisses.  Note — BANAGHER'S.  None 
other  genuine. 

Madame  FBILETJSE.  Massage  Japonais  daily,  11  to  5.  Open  on 
Sundays. 

Unicycling.    The  Bike  Emporium,  Ratford  Road,  W. 

Corn  cutting.  Chez  un  professeur  Francois,  No.  1279,  Gambetta 
Street,  W.C.  Strict  secrecy. 

Guinea-pig,  Bull  and  Bear  Show.    Stock  Exchange  Hall,  E.G. 

Racing.    Campdown  Steeplechases  (first  day). 

Backgammon,  Dominoes,  and  Draughts.  Great  matches  (8),  Ping 
Pong  Club,  Seven  Dials. 

Gadabout  Theatre.  Twenty-fourth  edition  of  Paul  Pry  in  Petti- 
coats. New  songs,  new  dances,  "  new  wheezes,"  new  management, 
new  authors,  new  call-boy. 

VABITO'S  Varieties.  Signor  PORCO  the  Pigman  at  10,  nightly. 
The  MAC  FLASH  has  returned. 

"CARO  NOME  DEL  MIO  LI-COR  "  ;   OR,    "  VERO  SO  BEN  TROVATO." 
[A  meeting  of  the  Executive  Committee  of  the  Aberdeen  Association  for 
the  Control  of  the  Liquor  Traffic  was  presided  over  by Dr.  BEVEHIPGE!] 

WITHOUT  doubt,  "  for  the  throat"  is  this  medical  seer, 

Whose  name  sounds  especially  "  jolly." 
But  he  'd  "  doc"— k  the  poor  man  of  his  beverage— beer, 

And  this  sounds  like  absolute  folly. 


FEBRUARY  22,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


WHAT  OUR  NOVELIST  HAS  TO  PUT  TIP  WITH. 

His  little  Grandson  is  made  to  write  (under  dictation)  to  unknown 
enthusiastic  American  admirer  of  his  works: — "  DEAR  MADAM, — 
GRANDPAPA  WISHES  MB  TO  WRITE  AND  THANK  YOU  FOR  TOUR 
PHOTOGRAPH,  AND  FOR  TOUR  KIND  LET  HER  TO  HIM,  IN  WHICH  YOU 
SAY  YOU  WOULD  SO  LIKE  TO  CROSS  THE  ATLANTIC  AND  MAKE  BIS 
ACQUAINTANCE,  SO  THAT  WHAT  IS  DIVINE  IN  YOU  MAY  HAVE  AN  OPPOR- 
TUNITY OF  MINGLING  WITH  WHAT  IS  DIVINE  IN  GRANDPAPA. 

"GRANDPAPA  THINKS  IT  WOULD  BE  VERY  NICE  INDEED.  ONLY 
HE  's  VERY  BUST  JUST  NOW  ;  AND  BESIDES,  HE  *S  AFRAID  GRAND- 
MAMMA MIGHT  OBJECT.  SO,  PEBHAP3,  YOU  'D  BETTER  NOT. 

"  YOURS  TRULY,  JACK  BOOMER. 

"P.S. — GRANDPAPA   CAN'T   SEND   YOU  HIS   PHOTOGRAPH,  AS  HE 
HASN'T  BEEN  TAKEN  FOB  THIRTT-FIVE  YEARS." 


ROUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

ON  COLDS. 
PBIOB,  I  believe,  tells  us  that  — 

"  Each  charging  season  does  its  poison  bring  ; 
Rheums  chill  the  winter,  agues  blast  the  spring." 

Or,  as  CALVEKLEY  puts  it,  in  words  even  more  forcible,  the  winter 
is  the  season  when  — 

"  M's  and  n's  are  mostly 
Pronounced  like  b's  and  d's." 


^  me  a  cold  does  not  take  precisely  that  form,  but  it  is,  even 
without  these  mispronunciations,  a  serious  and  melancholy  catas- 
trophe ;  and,  while  it  lasts,  takes  from  life  all  that  ordinarily  makes 
life  pleasant.  I  do  not  wish  to  intrude  my  own  personal  sorrows 
upon  the  reading  public,  but  after  all  in  this  matter,  as  I  take  it, 
the  pains  and  discomforts  through  which  I  struggle  by  the  aid  of 
hot  drinks,  handkerchiefs,  and  all  the  other  infernal  paraphernalia 
of  this  minor  fever,  have  been  endured  to  an  equal  extent  by  the 
public  at  large.  Now,  nothing  more  consoles  an  invalid  than  to 
recount  his  desperate  woes  to  his  friends,  and  to  assure  himself  of 
their  sympathy  by  allowing  them  in  turn—  not  at  the  same  length, 
of  course  :  no  man's  illness  is  ever  so  serious  as  one's  own  —  to  com- 
municate their  distressing  symptoms  to  him.  Let  me,  therefore, 
put  myself  in  an  entirely  impartial  position,  and  imagine  that  in 
reciting  nay  own  experiences  I  am  really  listening  to  those  of  a  very 
dear  and  intimate  friend  —  which  is,  indeed,  the  oa«e. 

VOL.  ex. 


THE  beginnings,  then,  of  the  colds  to  which  my  f  riendlis  occasion- 
ally a  martyr,  are  invariably  sudden  and  explosive.  At  one  momen 
he  walks  erect,  proud  in  the  consciousness  of  perfect  health.  Hi 
eye  is  undimmed,  his  mind  is  clear,  his  muscles  are  firmlv  braced 
bis  voice  is  resonant.  Then,  without  a  warning,  three  terrible  deto- 
nations shake  the  house  in  quick  succession.  There  comes  a  pause 
and  then  two  more  rend  the  rafters.  He  has  sneezed  five  times — 
the  number  five  is  fatal  to  him — and  he  knows  that  a  cold  has  him 
in  its  clutches.  At  these  well-known  and  terrific  sounds  the  estab- 
lishment is  convulsed.  "  He 's  got  it,"  the  butler  remarks  to  the 
cook.  "Yes,  and  it's  a  bad  one.  He's  managed  to  keep  it  off  a 
good  long  time  this  season,  but  I  knew  it  had  got  to  come.  MARY 
put  his  blue  shawl  in  his  bed,  make  up  his  fire,  and  don't  forget  the 
hot-water  bottle."  At  these  words  from  the  mistress  of  the  kitchen, 
the  housemaid  bustles  away  to  make  the  customary  preparations, 
and  the  butler,  having  placed  his  master's  slippers  by  the  fire,  imme- 
diately busies  himsslf  with  the  brew  of  a  jorum  of  port-wine  negus 
or  mulled  claret,  specifies  sanctified  by  a  long  household  tradition  as 
the  first  line  of  defence,  the  domestic  navy,  against  the  treacherous 
attacks  of  the  cold-fiend. 

THE  five  sneezes  have  been  the  signal  for  the  mobilisation  of  the 
home  army.  No  further  orders  are  ^  required  from  the  unfortunate 
master,  even  if  he  were  capable  of  giving  any.  But  as  for  him.  the 
well-cushioned  teat  of  his  arm-  chair  receives  him.  There  he  reclines, 
huddled,  a  mere  semblance  of  a  man,  now  racked  with  despair,  now 
tortured  with  illusive  hone,  and  the  walls  re-echo  with  the  trumpet 
sounds  of  his  affliction.  Not  otherwise  an  eagle,  borne  aloft  upon  the 
invincible  power  of  spreading  wings,  beholds  upon  the  plain  below 
a  kid,  sporting  in  the  meadows.  Downward  he  starts  from  the  upper 
heights,  his  fierce  spirit  aflame  with  the  desire  of  prey,  ruffled  as  to 
his  haughty  plumage,  and,  with  rending  beak  and  greedy  talons, 
seizes  the  soft  offspring  of  the  mother-goat.  In  vain  its  bleatings  fill 
the  air ;  in  vain  its  sorrowing  parents  and  the  flocks  of  the  shepherds 
pour  forth  lamentations,  and  witness  each  departure  with  black 
grief  gnawing  at  their  hearts.  Up,  and  ever  up,  soars  the  kingly 
bird,  depositing  his  prize,  at  length,  in  his  eyrie,  a  feast  not  unap- 
preciated by  the  partner  of  his  throne  and  her  soft-plumaged  brood. 
But,  below,  the  mother-goat  is  desolate,  nor  do  the  rich  pastures 

give  her  comfort.    So  a  cold "Well,  in  fact,  to  finish  with  the 

simile,  the  cold  is  as  an  eagle,  the  cold's  victim  is  as  the  kid  ;  and 
beyond  a  general  resemblance,  it  is  never  possible  to  press  a  simile 
in  the  clastic  form. 

BUT,  as  I  said,  the  sufferer  lies  in  his  armchair,  and  at  first  he 
dopes.  A  cold  I  pooh,  the  notion  is  absurd.  The  weather  is  warm 
and  spring-like ;  he  has  not  been  conscious  of  damp  socks  or  sitting 
in  draughts,  or  any  other  rashness.  It  can't  be  a  real  cold  ;  merely 
a  fit  of  sneezing  which  will  pass  away  and  leave  no  trace.  So  he 
thinks,  but  all  the  time  there  are  little  creeping  shivers,  the  demon's 
antenna;,  playing  up  and  down  his  spine ;  his  skin  turns  to  that  of 
a  goose ;  he  shifts  himself  closer  and  closer  to  the  fire  without 
acquiring  any  warmth  ;  his  hair  seems  endowed  with  a  malignantly 
ndependent  existence ;  each  separate  hair  begins  to  sting  him,  then 
they  all  combine  and  rake  his  throbbing  head  with  a  deadly  persist- 
ence, and  eventually  the  careful  butler  enters  unsummoned  with  a 
relay  of  dry  handkerchiefs  on  a  tray,  and  an  announcement  that 
dinner  will  be  ready  shortly,  that  he  doesn't  suppose  his  master 
ntends  to  dress,  and  will  he  have  the  usual  amount  of  sugar  in  the 
lot  port  wine.  After  this,  only  one  hope  remains.  He  lights  a 
cigarette.  Misery — he  cannot  taste  it.  Then  he  is,  indeed,  in  for  a  cold. 

No  matter :  it  shall  be  checked — nipped  in  the  bud.  Feed  a  cold 
and  starve  a  fever ;  wherefore,  immense  quantities  of  food  are  con- 
sumed— and  all  to  no  avail.  For  the  handkerchief ,  the  white  flag  of 

nrrender,  flutters  without  ceasing,  the  eyes  pour  with  copious  tears, 

he  tongue  is  parched.  And  as  he  enters  his  bedroom  the  sufferer 
sees  the  ancient  blue  shawl  deftly  and  invitingly  spread,  the  shawl 

hat  is  brought  out  only  for  these  calamities,  and  retires  to  its 
cupboard  with  reluctance  long  after  all  danger  is  over ;  and  a  bulge 

n  the  bedclothes  proclaims  that  beneath  that  spot  lies  snugly 
nestling  the  hot- water  bottle  which  is  to  spread  its  comfort  from  the 

eet  upward  through  the  whole  system,  and  bake  him  in  his  bed.  I 
need  not  protract  the  pitiful  story.  Men  laugh  at  colds,  but  for  real 
misery,  for  the  misery  which  leaving  you  strength  takes  away  joy, 
which  tosses  and  tortures  and  roasts  and  freezes,  which  tears  you 
and  then  tears  each  separate  piece,  which  make  s  tobacco  a  loathing, 
and  robs  even  a  Norwegian  anchovy  of  taste — for  such  a  misery  as 

his  there  is  only  one  name,  and  the  name  is  Cold.    May  it  perish 

rom  the  land. 

SPECIAL  NEW  WOMAN  SERVICE.— It  has  been  announced  that  the 
Reverend  AUGUSTA  CHAPIN,  D.D.— who  might  be  familiarly  addressed 
s  "Chappie,"  or,  "Young  Chap  "—has  retiened  her  pastorate  (sweet 
hepherdefis  H,  and  is  coming  to  London.  If  ner  Reverence  occupies  a 
lulpit,  then  in  the  choir  will  be  Mrs.  CHANT. 


86 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  22,  1896. 


FEBRUARY  22,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


87 


PUTTING    IT   NICELY. 

Young  Lady  (politely,  to  o7d  Gentleman  who  is  fiddling  with  gap),   "  I  DON'T  WISH  TO  HUBBY  YOU,  SIR,  BUT  WHIN  YOU  HAVC  QUITE 

FINISHED   YOUK  GAME   OF  SPILIKIDS   I  SHOULD  LIKE  TO   COME  1" 


" BETRAYED  BY  THE  INTERVIEWEE!" 

(Fragment  from  a  Matter-of-fact  Eomance,) 

RUPPET  had  done  his  best  to  ooncilia*e  the  representative  of  The 
Dettctice,  the  newest  of  the  long  series  of  interviewing  periodicals. 
He  had  lunched  him,  smoked  with  him,  joked  with  him.  He 
believed  that  he  had  created  a  favourable  impression.  If  he  had  to 
complain  of  anything,  it  was  of  the  scanty  attention  paid  to  his 
stories,  and  the  noise  made  by  an  apparatus  that  was  brought  into  his 
studv  by  the  investigator. 

"  You  will  let  me  see  the  article  when  it  appears,"  said  RUPEBT, 
as  he  bade  bis  guest  farewell. 

"  Certainly,"  was  the  answer ;  and  the  two  men  parted. 

*'  I  trust  that  he  will  not  omit  my  narrative  of  good  work  and  good 
deeds,"  thought  the  now  lonely  celebrity ;  "if  he  sets  down  all  I 
relat<  d,  I  shall  appear  as  a  hero  and  a  saint.  And  why  not  ?  " 

A  fortnight  later  and  the  two  weie  onoe  again  face  to  face.  But 
now  RUPERT  was  furious. 

"What  do  you  mean,  Sir,  by  proving  me  to  be  a  coward  and  an 
imposter  P  "  he  shouted. 

"  I  merely  reproduced  your  thought  s,"  was  the  calm  response. 

"  But  I  told  you  nothing  to  my  disadvantage,"  cried  RUPEBT, 
angrily.  "  How  can  you  know  what  was  passing  through  my 
mind  P" 

"  By  using  the  simple  contrivance  to  which  you  took  exception 
*hen  I  brought  it  with  me  into  your  study." 
1 1  do  not  understand  you." 

"You will  when  I  tell  you  that  I  photographed  the  working  of 
your  brain,  and  thus  learned  the  secrets  you  would  have  hidden  from 
me !  And  now  I  will  explain  scientifically " 

But  RUPERT  heard  no  more.  The  unfortunate  celebrity  had 
fainted!  

NEW  TITLE  (suggested  by  the  Right  Hon.  J.  Ch-mb-rl-ri)t — 
PRESIDENT  KBUGEB  ;  or,  "  OoM-RuLE  PAUL." 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

THE  Chief  of  0.  B.  0.  is  not  addicted  to  strong  language,  but,  having 
perused  all  the  stories  in  The  Sand  Sea,  he  takes  his  Davey,  which 
expression,  whatever  it  may  otherwise  imply,  means,  in  this  in- 
stance, his  "RICHABD  DAVEY,"  author  of  this  work,  that  rarely 
has  he  come  across  so  good  a  compilation  of  short  stories — all  telling 
and  all  well  told,  none  of  them  occupying  more  than  the  space  of  a 
thorough  reader's  "  spare  half-hour  "—as  he  has  found  in  the  small 
volume  (title  mentioned  above)  published  by  the  Roxburgh  Press. 
No  "problems"  or  mysteries  among  them.  "  Dav ev  sum,  non 
OSdipus,"  says,  in  effect,  the  author.  "  I  recommend  the  volume  to 
all,  and,  more  Oliveri,  ask  for  more,"  says  THE  BABON. 

"  POLICE  1 "— "Hardlv  a  week  has  passed  without  complaints  being 
lodged  with  the  police,"  wrote  the  Pall  Mall  Gazette,  d  propot  of 
brutal  murder  at  Muswell  Hill.  The  paragraph  finished  with  As 
yet  the  police  have  no  clue."  What!  not  with  all  these  com- 
plaints lodged  with  the  police  "  almost  every  week  "for  some  months 
past'MI  Then  follows  "  The  police  theory  it "— and  so  forth.  Of 
what  use  is  "  theory"  of  police,  as  against  "practice"  of  burglars  r 
When  "Preventive  Force,"  after  being  specially  warned,  does  not 
"prevent,"  there  is  evidently  something  organically  wrong. 

"  Off,  SFANLEY,  ON."— Thus  we  address  that  talented  actress.  Miss 
ALMA  STANLEY,  who,  after  reports  all  to  the  contrary,  nevertheless 
and  notwithstanding,  is  alive,  and,  we  trust,  well.  '  On,  STANLEY, 
on  "— the  stage  againj 

LATEST  DEVELOPMENT  or  THE  NEW  WOMAN.— Girton  girls  going 
in  for  a  ' '  Gamble." 

NEW  NAME  FOB  A  PABTY  IN  THE  LONDON  COUNTY  COUNCIL. — The 
Pro-Aggressives. 

GUABDIAN  ANGELS.— The  Flying  Squadron. 


88 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  22,  1896. 


JOTTINGS    AND   TITTLINGS. 

(BY  BABOO  HUBBY  BTJNGSHO  JABBEBJEB,  B.A.) 

No.  V. 

In  which  Mr.  Jabber jee  expresses  his  Opinions  on  Bicycling 
as  a  Pastime. 

IK  consequence  of  the  increasing  demands  of  the  incomparable 
Miss  JESSIMINA  upon  the  dancing  attendance  of  your  humble 
servant,  I  am  lately  become  as  idle  as  a  newly  painted  ship,  and  have 
not  drunk  in  the  legal  wisdom  of  the  learned  Gooroos  who  lecture  in 
the  hall  of  my  Inn  of  Court,  or  opened  the  ponderous  treatise  of 
Hon'ble  Justice  BLACKSTONE  or  ADDISON  on  Torts,  for  many  a 
blank  day. 

Still,  as  Philosopher  PLATO  observed,  "  Nihil  humam  alienum  a 
me  vtito,"  and  my  time  has  not  been  actually  squandered  in  the  theft 
of  Procrastination,  but  rather  employed  in  the  proper  study  of  Man- 
kind, and  acquiring:  a  more  complete  knowingness  in  Ars  Vivendi. 

So  I  think  it  worth  to  direct  public  attention  to  the  dangers  of  a 
practice  which  threatens  to  develop  into  an  epidemical  kind  of  plague, 
and  carry  the  deteriorating  trails  of  a  serpent  over  our  household 
families,  unless  promptly  scotched  by  benevolent  firmness  of  a 
paternal  Government. 

Need  I  explain  I  am  alluding 
to  the  nowaday  passion  for 
propelling  oneself  at  a  severe 
speed  by  dint  of  unstable  and 
most  precarious  machinery  ? 
It  is  now  the  exception 
which  breaks  the  rule  to 
take  the  air  in  the  streets 
without  being  start  ltd  by 
the  unseemly  spectacles  of 
go-ahead  citizens  straddled 
upon  such  revolutionary  con- 
trivances, threading  their 
way  with  breakneck  velocity 
under  the  very  noses  of 
omnibus  and  other  horses, 
and  ringing  the  shrill  welkin 
of  a  tintinnabulating  gong  I 

Nay,  even  after  the  Cur- 
few has  taken  its  toll  from 
the  kn dl  of  parting  day,  and 
darkness  reigns  supreme, 
ihey  will  urge  on  their  wild 
career,  illuminated  by  the 
dim  religious  light  of  a 
small  oil  lamp ! 

I  possess  no  knack  of 
medical  knowledge,  but  I 
boldly  state  my  opinion  that 
such  daredevilry  must  neces- 
sarily inflict  a  deleterious 
result  to  the  nervous  or- 
ganisms of  these  riders ;  and, 
whoknows,  of  their  posterity  ¥ 
For  no  one  can  expect  to 
have  hairbreadth  escapes 
from  the  running  gauntlet 


"  I  instantaneously  endured  the  total  upset ! 


myself  upon  one  of  these  same  machines,  and — as  welwere  now  close 
to  the  effigy  of  Hon'ble  Duke  of  WELLINGTON  disguised  as  an 
Achilles,  near  which  were  certain  bunniahs  trafficking  with^bicyoles 
— I,  wishing  to  pleasure  my  fair  companion,  approached  oneTof 
these  contractors  and  bargained  with  him  for  the  sole  user  of  his 
vehicle  for  the  space  of  one  calendar  hour,  to  which  he  consented  at 
the  honorarium  of  one  rupee  four  annas. 

But,  on  receiving  the  bicycle  from  his  hands,  I  at  once  perceived 
myself  under  a  total  impossibility  of  achieving  its  ascent — for  no 
sooner  had  I  protruded  one  leg  over  the  saddle  than  the  foremost 
wheel  averted  itself,  and  the  entire  machine  bit  the  dust,  which 
afforded  lively  and  infinite  entertainment  to  my  feminine  companions. 
I,  however,  reproached  the  bunniah  for  furnishing  a  worn-out 
effete  affair  that  was  not  in  working  order  or  a  going  concern,  but 
he,  by  assuring  me  that  it  was  all  right,  cajoled  me  into  trying  once 
more.  So,  divesting  myself  of  my  fur-lined  overcoat,  which  I  com- 
manded a  hobbardyhoy  of  the  sweeper  class  to  hold,  I  again  mounted 
upon  the  saddle,  while  the  proprietor  of  the  machine  sustained  it 
in  a  position  of  rectitude,  and  then,  supporting  me  by  the  superfluity 
of  my  pantaloons,  he  propelled  me  from  the  rear,  counselling  me  to 
press  my  feet  vigorously  upon  the  paddles.  But  it  all  proved  as  the 
labour  of  Sisyphus,  for  the  seat  was  of  sadly  insufficient  dimensions 

and  adamantine  hardihood, 
and  whenever  the  bicycle- 
man  released  his  hold,  I 
instantaneously  endured  the 
total  upset  I 

Then  again  I  reproved  him 
for  his  Punica  fides,  inform- 
ing him  that  I  reqwred  a 
machine  that  would  run  with 
smooth  progressiveness,  pre- 
cisely similar  t-j  those  I 
beheld  in  motion  around  me. 
To  which  he  replied  that  I 
must  not  expect  to  be  able  to 
ride  impromptu  as  well  as 
individuals  who  had  only 
mastered  the  accomplish- 
ment by  long  continuity  of 
practice  and  industry. 

"Oh,  man  of  wily  tongue !" 
I  addressed  him.  "  Not  thus 
will  you  bamboozle  my 
supposed  simplicity  !  For  if 
the  art  were  indeed  so  diffi- 
cult as  you  pretend,  how 
f-hould  it  be  acquired  by  so 
many  timid  and  delicate 
teminines  and  mere  nurse- 
lings? This  machine  of 
yours  is  nothing  but  an 
obsolete  hors  de  combat  with 
which  it  is  not  humanly 
possible  to  work  the  oracle ! " 
At  which,  waxing  with 
indignation,  he  leaped  upon 
it,  and,  to  my  surprise,  did 
easily  propel  it  in  whatsoever 
direction  he  pleased,  and  its 


continuously,  without  suffering  a  shattering  internal  panic,  while  motive  power  appeared  to  be  similar  in  every  respect  to  the  rest : 

so,  beguiled  by  his  representations  that,  under  his  instructions,  1 


catastrophes   of  fatal  injury  to   life  and  limb   have^  become   de 
rigueur. 

Experto  crede — for  I  can  support  my  obiter  dictum  by  the  crushing 
weight  of  personal  experience.  A  few  mornings  since  I  had  the 
honour  to  escort  Miss  JESSIMINA  MANKLETOW  and  a  middle-aged 
select  female  boarder  into  the  interior  of  Hyde  Park.  The  day  was 
fine,  though  frigid,  and  I  was  wearing  my  fur-lined  overcoat,  with 
boots  of  patent  Japan  leather,  and  a  Bombay  gold- embroidered  cap, 
so  that  I  was  a  mould  of  form  and  the  howling  nob. 

Picture  my  amazement  when,  as  I  promenaded  the  path  beside  the 
waters  of  the  Serpentine  lake,  I  beheld  a  wheeled  cavalcade  of  every 
conceivable  age,  sexr  and  appearance  ;  senile  gaffers  and  baby  bunt- 
ings ;  multitudinous  women,  some  plump  as  a  duckling,  others  thin 
as  a  paper-thread;  aye,  and  even  priests  in  sanctimonious  black  and 
milk-white  cravats,  rolling  swiftly  upon  two  wheels,  and  all  agog  to 
dash  through  thick  and  thin  I 

j.2n  swing  which,  the  matured  lady  boarder  did  exclaim  upon  the 
dithculties  of  the  performance,  and  the  vast  crowd  that  had  collected 
to  view  such  a  tour  de  force,  but  I,  perceiving  that  those  seated 
upon  the  machines  used  no  exorbitant  exertions,  and,  indeed, 
appeared  to  be  wholly  engrossed  in  social  intercourse,  responded  that 
no  skill  was  required  to  circulate  these  bicycles,  which,  owing  to 
being  surrounded  with  air-cushions,  would  proceed  proprio  motu 
and  without  meandering. 

Thereupon  Miss  MAHKLETOW  expressed  an  ardent  dedre  to  behold 


should  speedily  become  a  chef-d'oeuvre,  I  once  more  suffered  myself 
to  mount  the  machine ;  but,  whether  from  superabundant  energy  of  my 
foot-paddling,  or  the  alarming  fact  that  we  were  upon  the  descent  of 
a  precipitous  slope,  I  was  soon  horrified  at  finding  that  my  instructor 
was  stripped  out,  and  I  abandoned  to  the  lurch  of  my  Caudine  fork  I 

Oh,  my  goodness  I  My  heart  turns  to  water  at  the  nude  recollec- 
tion of  such  an  unparalleled  predicament,  for  the  now  unrestrained 
bicycle  tires  acquirit  eiindo,  and  in  seven-league  boots !  While  I, 
wet  as  a  clout  with  anxiety  and  perspiration,  did  grasp  the  handlei 
like  the  horns  of  a  dilemma,  calling  out  in  agonised  accents  to  the 
bystanders, — "  Help  1  I  am  running  away  with  myself  1  Half 
rupee  for  my  life-preserver !  " 

But  they  were  all  as  if  to  burst  with  laughter,  and  none  had  tl 
ordinary  heroism  to  intervene,  and  I  with  ever  increasing  rapid: 
was  borne  helplessly  down  the  dtclivity  towards  the  gates  of  Hyde 
Park  Corner,  when,  by  the  benevolence  of  Providence,  the  anterior 
wheel  ran  under  a  railing,  and  I  flew  off  like  a  tangent  into  the 
comparative  security  of  a  mud-barrow  I 

On  my  return  and  solicitous  inquiry  for  my  fur-lined  overcoat,  1 
had  the  further  shock  to  discover  that  it  was  solvitur  ambulando . 

After  such  a  shuddering  experience  and  narrow  squeak  of  my 
safety,  I  confidently  appeal  to  the  authorities  to  extinguish  tl 
highly  dangerous  and  foolhardy  sort  of  so-called  amusement,  ori 
the  very  least  to  issue  paternal  orders  that,  in  future,  no  one  shall  1 


.FEBRUARY  22,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


peimitted  to  ride  upon  any  bicycle  possessing 
less  than  three  wheels,  or  guilty  of  a  greater 
celerity  than  three  (or  four)  miles  per  hour. 

The  fair  Miss  MANKLETOW  amended  this 
proposal  by  suggesting  that  the  Public  should 
be  restricted  at  once  to  perambulators;  but 
this  is,  perhaps,  majori  cauteld,  and  an  in- 
stance of  the  over-solicitude  of  the  female 
intellect,  for  it  is  not  feasible  to  treat  an 
adult,  who  has  assumed  the  toga  virilis  and 
tall  hat,  as  if  he  was  still  mewling  and  puking 
in  a  tucker  and  bib. 


CONDENSED  CONFIDENCE. 

(For  Ladies  only.) 

[As  our  unfair  Correspondent  has  positively 
declined  to  share  such  emoluments  as  the  mention 
of  certain  trading  firms  may  bring  in  (qvA  adver- 
tisements),- we  have  adopted  a  perfectly  equitable 
course  in  suppressing  all  such  names.  N.IJ.  Any 
inquiries  on  the  subject  must  be  addressed  to 
Editor,  marked  "  private." — ED.] 

DEAEEST  ETHELINDA,  —  You  owe  me  a 
thousand  felicitations ;  not  on  my  birthday, 
for  that  you  know  only  blooms  with  the  early 
roses  in  June,  but  on  an  Event.  I  hasten  to 
chronicle  it  with  all  speed  in  that  perfumed 
violet  fluid  which  Messrs.  *  *  *  have  rendered 
so  necessary  to  all  fair  correspondents.  In 
a  word,  as  VICTOK  HUGO  puts  it,  I  have  had 
a  personal  interview  with  the  Duchess  of 
HAGGEESTON  ! !  1 1  Naturally  je  m'en  raffole. 
Are  you  not  surprised,  sweet  coz,  and  was  I 
not  right  in  claiming  your  compliments  ?  It 
was  dear  old  General  WHISKER  (about  whom 
such  funny  after-dinner  stories  are  told,  so 
FEED  FLANEUR  assures  me,)  who  arranged 
the  meeting.  The  General  is  au  mieux  with 
her  Grace,  who,  like  a  wise  woman,  does  not 
care  for  the  society  of  the  "masherkins"  (the 
dear  Duchess's  own  expression)  of  the  frivolous 
theatres.  However,  imagine  little  ME  (after 
an  hour's  journey  by  train,  when  I  did  not 
catch  cold,  thanks  tooneof  Madame  *  *  *'s  new 
Edredon  railway  rugs)  arriving  in  a  cab  at 
the  frowning  portals  of  Kagmagag  Castle,  a 
Norman  structure  which  was  taken  by 
WILLIAM  THE  CONQTTEBOE  from  the  Saxon 
Princess  ELFWTDLA,  and  given  to  the  Duke's 
ancestor,  who  filled  the  post  of  Tire-Souchon 
de  la  Cour  on  the  field  of  Hastings. 

My  arrival  was  evidently  expected,  for  I 
was  immediately  ushered  through  a  vast 
hall,  filled  with  battle-axes,  by  an  enormously 
tall  footman,  who  would  make  his  fortune  in 
the  Life-Guards,  into  the  Duchess's  boudoir. 
The  splendid  fellow  —  such  a  gentleman — 
begged  me  to  be  seated,  assuring  me  that  her 
Giace  would  join  me  in  a  few  minutes,  and 
having  gracefully  thrown  some  coals  (the 
M-rq-s  of  X's  "Best  Screened,"  I  could  see) 
on  the  fire,  left  me  with  a  princely  bow  to  the 
contemplation  of  this  delicious  retreat— a 
niche  in  fairyland,  with  its  delicate  eau  de  nil 
hangings,  furniture  en  suite,  and  treasury  of 
Sevres  and  Dresden  ornaments,  interspersed 
with  roses,  camellias,  orchids,  palms,  and  tree 
ferns.  Note-book  in  hand,  I  jotted  down  some 
of  the  more  striking  obfets  d'art,  such  as  a  gold 
Cupid  with  turquoise  eyes ;  a  malachite  foun- 
tain discharging  extrait  de  reseda  (*  *  *'s 
invention) ;  a  full-length  portrait  in  oils  of 
*  *  *,  the  famous  low  comedian;  framed 
photographs  (signed)  of  the  Crowned  Heads 
of  Europe ;  a  capacious  ebony  and  silver  box 
filled  with  *  *  *'s  choicest  cigarettes ;  a  marble 
bust  of  Mile.  Z  *  *,  the  witty  French  chan- 
teuse  ;  a  collection  of  richly  illuminated  Greek 
miseals ;  a  negro's  skull  arranged  as  a  candle- 
stick (I  fancied  I  traced  the  skill  of  Messrs. 
*  in  this),  and  a  superb  rug  made,  as  I 
afterwards  ascertained,  from  the  tails  of 
Siberian  guinea-pigs,  and  valued  at  many 


"Off,  I  SY  !  WOT'S  OBANGE  FREE  STATE  MEAN,  BILLY?  '    ? 

"WHY,   WHERE  YER  GITS  YER  ORANGES  FOR  NTJFFIN,   STOOPID  1  " 


thousands  of  pounds.  Perhaps  you  will  smile 
at  these  minutice,  but  surely  the  woman  in 
possession  had  a  right  to  take  the  inventory  ? 
My  pencilling  (*  *  *'s  shorthand)  was  inter- 
rupted by  the  entrance  of  the  Duchess  herself. 
Ah  I  mantia,  conceive  a  goddess,  a  Juno,  with 
languishing  blue  eyes,  gold-bronze  locks,  and 
the  stature  of  Diana— a  svelte  divinity,  who 
would  have  inspired  the  Muse  of  V  *  *,  or  the 
brush  of  P  *  *  P  *  *  R  *  *.  Her  Grace  was 
in  cycling  costume,  which  enabled  me  the 
better  to  view  the  fascinating  proportions  of 
her  taille.  I  noted  that  her  tailor-made 
knickerbockers  were  of  thick  quilted  navy- 
blue  silk,  and  her  shapely  legs  incased  in  a 
pair  of  *  *  *'s  Royal  tartan  hose.  On  her 
mouse-like  Tr-lb-s  were  the  pinked  brogues 
for  which  *  *  *  is  so  famous.  The  Duchess, 
producing  a  brille-gueule  from  her  jacket 
pocket  (the  garment  was  cut  a  la  W-ll-m 
W-ll-oe,  with  pebble  buttons),  lighted  it  with 
a  real  fusee,  and  observed  in  quite  a  business- 
like way:  "Now  I  dare  say  that  my  time's 
as  valuable  as  yours,  Miss  What 's  -  your- 
name.  You  want  to  know  something  about 
me.  Here  goes.  Do  I  hunt  P  Yes,  and  race, 
fish,  shoot,  cycle,  as  you  see,  yacht,  and  play 
the  banjo,  the  bagpipes,  penny  whistle  and 
Jew's  harp.  I  can't  spell,  and  am  ignorant 
of  grammar,  but  I  write  for  half-a-dozen 
periodicals — someone  corrects  my  articles, 
I  don't.  I'm  Dame-President  of  the  Kag- 


magag Daffodil  League,  a  bit  of  a  SABAII 
BEBNHAEDT  in  my  way,  and  can  give  twenty 
in  a  hundred  at  billiards  to  most  men.  The 
New  Woman  doesn't  concern  me  in  the  least, 
but  I  'm  partial  to  distinguished  old  men.  I 
like  going  the  rounds  and  winning  a  good 
coup  at  baccarat.  Monte  Carlo's  twice  as 
good  a  place  as  this  dingy  old  dust-pan  of  a 
Castle.  If  my  ancestors  had  built  it  instead 
of  the  Duke's,  I  'd  have  sent  all  their  ugly 
old  mugs  to  the  National  Portrait  Gallery. 
Any  views  as  to  the  mission  of  our  sex  P  Yes, 
to  make  the  oof -bird  fly.  literature?  No 
time  for  books,  prefer  spicy,  up  -  to  -  date 
journals.  Now  I  've  got  a  skittle  match  on, 
so  you  '11  have  to  scoot.  You  '11  find  tea,  or 
B.-and-S.,  if  you  prefer  it,  in  the  houss- 
keeper's  room.  Tal  Tall" 
*  Such,  dear,  were  the  ipse  dixit  words  of 
this  grande  chatelaine.  While  I  was  discuss- 
ing a  cup  of  fragrant  Bokoe  (Messrs.  *  *'s 
importation)  with  the  ducal  senechale—A 
fine  old  lady  of  some  eighty  winters— she 
gave  me  a  recipe  which  you  should  try-  It 
is  short  and  savoury.  Braise  six  fonds 
dartichaux  in  the  gravy  of  three  Surrey 
fowls  •  add  the  juice  of  four  pomegranates, 
and  three  soft  bloater  roes,  and  serve  with 
Parmesan  cheese,  French  mustard  and  svrup 
of  chicory.  The  latter  can  only  be  obtained 
from  the  *  *  *  Co.,  Ltd.  Ever,  dear, 

Your  loving  cousin,       KADJ. 


90 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


[FEBRUARY  22,  1896. 


SUNDAY    COLLECTION    FOR 

(Little  Pedlimgton.) 


THE 


P.   G. 


After  Morning  Service. 
"On — JR— I  'M  COMING  AGAIN  THIS  AFTSRSOON,  YOU  KNOW." 


After  Afternoon  Service. 

'OH — ER — I   WAS   HBEB   THIS  JtORHlNQ,   YOU  KNOW.' 


'ARRY  ON  AFRICAN  AFFAIRS. 

DEAB  CHARLIE,— 'Ow  goes  it,  old  Oyster? 

Shut  up  in  your  stuffy  old  shell, 
Out  o'  town,  out  of  life,  out  of  heverythink, 

fur  from  the  Bonk  and  Pell-Mell, 
You're  a  regular  old  Rip  van   Winkle,  or 

winkle  without  the  Rip  van 
All 'ard- shell  and  'orny  blind hoptic.  Lawks, 

'ow  do  you  atand  it,  old  man  P 

In   town   things   skip  lively,  I   tell  you; 

political  pots  on  the  bile. 
"  'Oly  calm"  ?     Oh,   my  eye  and  a  band- 

box,  the  ghost  of  old  BEAKY  must  smile ! 
True  the  Rads  and  'Ome  Rulers  are  kiboshed, 

and  clean  off  their  crumpets  with  spite, 
But  elsewere  it  is  like  good  old  times  of  'eads 

up,  and  "  We  don't  want  to  fight." 

With  Rods  it  is    always  "tails  down"! 

'Owsomever  they  're  not  in  the  'unt. 
Thanks  to  Brummagem  JOE,  who  has  floored 

them,    and   seems   coming   slap  to  the 

front. 
I  've  given  'im  beans  in  the  bygones,  I  'm 

nuts  on  that  brave  Doctor  JIM, 
But   JOB  'as  'is  pints,  I   admit,  and  you 

cannot  knock  flies  off  of  Vm. 

"Pell-Mell   and  the   Bank,"  I   remarked, 

CHABLIE.  Ah !  that^s  the  text  for  to-day ; 
Toffs  and  Tin,  CHABLIE,  Fashion  and  Funds ! 

They  're  the  only  two  barneys  as  pay. 
Ask  BARNEY  BABNATO,  ask  RHODES,  ask  poor 

docks,  ask  a  rich  lady  Yank ; 
And  they  '11  tell  you  in  Mammon's  own  Bible 

the  text  is  Pell-Mell  and  the  Bank. 

That's  wot   old   SOL  [SOLOMONS  tells  me. 
Queer  cjdger,  old  SOL.    Off  'is  chump. 


Sort  of  SjsheilUt  I.  L.  P.  patriarch;  learned 
on  **  boom  "  and  on  "  slump." 

Like  a  grey  JEKHMIAH  gone  wrong,  with  a 
beard  like  Niagra  froze  'ard, 

Or  a  door-mat  as  badly  wants  beating.  But 
can't  'e  spin  yarns  by  the  yard  P 

Rum  thing,  mate,  your  fair  stony-broker  who 

lives  up  a  court,  on  the  cadge, 
Bangs  ROTHSCHILD  in  talking  of  millions. 

1  '11  wager  a  crown  to  a  fadge 
SOL  knows  more  about  bimetallism  than 

CHAPLIN  or  BALFOUB  hisself ; 
And  SOL  says  the  Gods  of  our  Period  are 

Privilege,  Pedigree,  Pelf. 

The  Prince  and  the  Priest,  grumbles  SOL, 

'ave  give  place  to  a  new  tyrant-curse, 
As  villainous-  ard  and  more  vulgar,  and  that 

is  the  Power  o'  the  Purse. 
Poor  SOL!    That's  the  bee  in  At*  bonnet. 

But  swelp  me  JEMIMEB,  old  man, 
If  you  can't  get  a  slice  of  good  old  "  Golden 

Calf,"  you  must  grub  on  cold  eoran. 

So  fur  Silly  SOLLY  is  right.    'Ow  the  doose 

can  a  cove  out  a  dash, 
In  Society— Church,  State,  or  Sport— if  'e 

ain't  got  the  'andling  of  cash  ? 
It  need  not  be  'is  own— to  begin  with,  the 

shareholders'  shekels  will  do ; 
But,  CHARLIE,  the  duffingest  game  is  'ard 

work  on  a  measly  small  screw. 

Spekkylation 'a  the  oyster,  my  pippin,  from 

which  you  may  pick  the  big  pearl. 
Life  is  all  pitch-and-toss,  when  you  think  on 

it.    Wot  is  it  keeps  up  the  whirl, 
Spins  the  artful  ones  up  to  the  surface,  sucks 

duffers  and  'onest  mugs  down  ? 
Well,  it  isn't  'ard  work  and  straight  ways, 

you  may  bet  Chartered  shares  to  a  crown. 


/'m   a   thinking   of   going   out,  CIIAHLIK. 

That 's  wot  set  your  pal  on  this  lay. 
'"ARBY'S  preaching{"  thinks  you!    Well, 

mate,  preaching  is  not  'ABBY'S  mark— it 

don't  pay. 
But  two  quid  a  week  and  no  perks  is  a  getting 

a  little  mite  slow ; 
And  Jc  hannesburg— if  there '«  no  fighting — 

would  jest  about  suit  me,  I  know. 

Only  want  to  see  JOSEPH  more  down  on  that 

artful  old  Dutchman,  and  then 
I  'm  an  Oatlander  all  round  my  'at,  CHABLIE, 

either  with  pick  or  with  pan, 
^inythink  but  a  rifle  I    It 's  clear  that  your 

Boer  is  a  bullying  brute, 
Who  will  whine,  and  won't  mine,  the  old  mug ; 

but,  by  Jingo,  'e  knows  how  to  shoot. 

This  mixing  up  bizness  and  bullets  is  bosh,  as 

those  Cornishmen  thought. 
If  I  'd  been  a  soldier  by  trade,  like  a  'ero,  no 

doubt,  I  'd  'ave  fought ; 
But  lor  I  to  be  called  from  the  counter  to 

strap  on  a  shot-belt  and  fight, 
May  do  all  very  well  for  Dutch  burghers,  but 

dashed  if  1  think  it  seems  right. 

It 's  a  pity  that  brave  Doctor  JIM  didn't  wipe 

those  Dutch  farmers  clean  out ; 
As  with  proper  support,  and  no  JOE,  'e  'd  'ave 

done,  I 'ave  not  the  least  doubt. 
Oh  I   I  'm  not  nuts  on  potry  myself,  and  I 

think  "  lines  "  is  mostly  tin-pot ; 
But  when  I  read  AUSTIN— well,  'ABKY  must 

own  'e  felt  'appy  and  'ot ! 

They  wos  worthy  of  good  old  MACDEBMOTT, 
they  wos,  them  there  lines,  and  no  kid. 

A  Briton  ae  goes  in  a  buster,  and  don't  care 
a  blow  wot  'e 's  bid, 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— FEBRUARY  22,  1896. 


A  POOR  RELATION. 


HOME  RULE  (disconsolately}.   "WHAT'S  TO  BECOME  OF  ME 9" 

RT.  Hox.  J.  C.  "WELL-THINGS  HAVE  GONE  A  BIT  AGAINST  YOU  HERE,  BUT  THERE'S  A  NICE  OPENING 
FOR  YOU  IN  THE  TRANSVAAL.     PRESENT  THIS  LETTER  OF  INTRODUCTION  TO  MY  FRIEND  MR.  KRUGER." 


FEBRUARY  22,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


93 


QUITE    UNNECESSARY    QUESTION. 

Newly-appointed  Magistrate.    "AN7  PREVIOUS  CONVICTIONS  AGAINST  THE  PBISONER?" 


1  say  is  a  shore-going  NELSON,  as  laws  and 

conventions  will  jump, 
And  to  call  such  a  buster  a  mere 

gives  'AERY  the  'ump. 

"Raid"  he  jolly  well  jiggered,  dear  hoy! 
Eogland  fust,  and  the  rest  as  they  can  I 

That 's  my  motter,  my  own  "  MONBOE  Doc- 
trine," as  ought  to  be  stuck  to,  old  man, 

Spite  o'  Dutchmen,  and  Yanks,  German  Hem- 
T>rors,andall  sech  houtsiders.  Great  Scott! 

Old  England,  as  SOLSBURY  put  it,  can  take  on 
the  whole  blooming  lot ! 

Yes,  SOLSBURY  's  my  man,  bless  'is  boko  I  If 
'e  'd  do  a  turn  at  the  'Alls, 

And  recite  ALFRED  AUSTIN'S  new  pome,  gad, 
we  'd  blow  the  roof  bang  off  the  walls ! 

Brum  JOE  ?— well,  SO-EO  !  -  BALFOTJR  ? — tol- 
lol  ! — but  SOLLY  and  ALFBED  ?  Oh,  lor ! 

The  hangcore  for  "  Marquidge  and  Minstrel " 
would  give  German  BILLY  wot  for  I 

It's  clear  'e  's  no  class,  that  young  Sossige, 

as  ought  to  know  better,  yes,  much, 
Than  to  chip  at  'is  Good  Gracious  Grandma, 

along  of  a  hugly  Old  Dutch. 
If  ARBY  goes  out  to  the  Transvaal  'e  won't 

turn  a  Dutchman,  no  fear ! 
And  e  won't  want  no  Germans  to  swamp  'ioa ; 

'e's  'ad  fur  too  much  of  'em  'ere  ! 

I  '11  watch  'ow  things  pan  out,  my  pippin ; 

and  if  JOE  's  as  good  as  'is  word, 
And  don't  knuckle  hunder  to  KBUGEB,  like 

GLADSTONE, — as  would  be  absurd, — 
And  if  the  Hand  game  don't  mean  rifles,  as 

/'ve  no  hambition  to  carry, 
The  Johannesburg  Outlanders  may  'ave  the 

'onour  of  welcomin'  ' 


THE  FIRST  QUESTION.— The  North  Pole! 
Discovery  1 1  Who  was  at  the  head  of  it  ? 
Liberal  ?  Unionist  ?  or  Conservative  ? 


A  NOTE  FROM  THE  NORTH  POLE. 

Arrival  at  Destination. — Eureka  I  My  ex- 
cursion—undertaken in  the  interests  of  civi- 
lisation and  the  proprietors  of  the  Patent 
Wardrobe  Hat  Company,  Limited — has  been 
successful!  Have  secured  all  vacant  spaces 
on  North  Pole  for  advertising  purposes. 
Already  fixed  up  double- crown  poster  of  the 
useful  article  for  which  I  am  travelling.  The 
placard,  showing  the  various  compartments 
of  the  Patent  Wardrobe  Hat— here  a  space 
reserved  for  linen,  there  another  for  drees 
clothes,  yonder  a  third  for  boots  —  is  most 
effective.  The  picture  is  displayed  under 
Union  Jack.  Expect  to  do  big  business  in 
Greenland.  Advertising  will  sell  anything. 
Shall  advertise  Noith  Pole  itself  for  sale. 
Lots  more  where  that  came  from.  Supply 
can  be  kept  up  to  demand. 

Particulars  of  a  Newly- discovered  Land- 
mark.— After  leaving  the  dreary  waste — which 
I  christened  "New  Berlin,"  out  of  compli- 
ment to  the  German  EMPEBOB— we  came  to 
some  hot-water  springs,  admirably  adapted 
to  the  requirements  of  first-class  baths  and 
wash-houses.* 

Sad  Sights. — A  dead  wall.  Poor  thing ! 
Enlivened  it  at  once  with  pictorial  advertise- 
ment. Applications  for  space  to  be  made  to 
me,  per  agent. 

Commercial  Possibilities  of  the  North  Pole. 
— "  What  shall  we  do  now  P  "  asked  my  com- 
panion, staring  blankly  at  the  other  side  of 
the  North  Pole  not  yet  used  for  advertise- 
ment purposes.  "  Scratch  a  Pole,"  I  replied, 
briskly.  Which  we  did :  carving  our  names 
on  it,  and  appropriating  it.  (And  here,  let 
me  say,  in  view  of  any  association  being 
launched,  that  I  hold  the  concession,  and 

*  Have  established  Club  here,  with  all  modern 
appliances. 


shall  expect  to  be  managing  director.)  So 
far  as  I  am  able  to  judge,  the  ice  surround- 
ing the  Pole  is  rich  in  gold,  rubies,  emeralds, 
and  other  precious  stones.  Tobacco  could 
be  profitably  grown  with  the  assistance  of 
my  new  patent  process.  Oyster  beds  might 
be  laid  out,  and  the  bivalves  exported  to 
England  ready  frozen.  The  spot,  on  ac- 
count of  its  central  position,  is  admirably 
suited  to  colonists,  as  it  is  equally  ac- 
cessible from  all  parts  of  Europe,  Asia, 
Africa,  and  America.  As  the  soil  has  never 
been  tilled,  it  is  ripe  for  experiments  in 
scientific  farming.  The  climate  is  dry  and 
bracing.  There  are  natural  advantages  in 
the  place  that  would  be  of  the  greatest 
possible  service  in  establishing  an  ice  manu- 
factory on  the  largest  scale  imaginable.  As 
there  are  no  railways  omnibuses,  nor  cabs, 
there  are  naturally  openings  for  all  these  in- 
dustries. Splendid  site  for  golf-ground,  aid 
promising  career  open  to  young  man  with  small 
capital  ready  to  accept  position  as  foreman  of 
works,  tax  collector,  county  councillor,  tram- 
way director,  balloonist,  bank  manager,  ad- 
jutant of  volunteers,  county  court  registrar, 
inspector  of  hoardings,  &c.,  &c. 

N.B.  Should  the  Tussaud  Wax-work  people 
want  a  model  of  it  (the  real  pole  cannot  be 
moved,  at  present,  without  creating  con- 
siderable disturbance),  I  shall  be  happy  to 
make  arrangements  for  supplying  them 
with  an  exact  reproduction,  on  certain  fair 
terms. 

In  conclusion,  I  oeg  to  state  that  should 
anyone  doubt  my  assertions  there  is  a  very 
simple  way  of  testing  their  accuracy.  Those 
who  do  not  believe  what  I  say  about  the 
North  Pole  can  judge  for  themselves  by 
going  there  and  seeing  it !  There  is  no 
charge  for  admission,  and  the  direction  for 
the  road  is  "as  straight  as  you  can  go,  and 
then  turn  sharply  to  the  left. 


94 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


[FEBBUAKT  22,  1896. 


Distinguished  Art  Connoisseur  and  Colltclor  who  has  obtained  permission  to  see  over  "The 
Moat"  Fenshire)  stopping  before  a  portrait  in  the  hall.  "  AH  I  SIR  JOSHUA,  OF  COURSE  ?" 

Lodge  Keeper's  Wife  (bridling}.  "SiR  JOSHUA,  INDEED!  THERE  AIN'T  NO  JOSHUAS  IN 
THK  FAM'LY  1  THAT  's  'is  PRESENT  LORDSHIP'S  GRRAT-ORANDFATHER,  THE  FOURTH  HRARL 

O'   FlTZ-BATTLEAXE  1  " 


FAME. 

["The  following  special  cable  message  appears 
in  to-day's  issue  of  the  London  edition  of  the 
Johannesburg  Standard  and  Diggers'  News,  a  paper 
said  to  be  conducted  in  the  interests  of  the  Boer 
Government:  —  'AUSTIN'S  poem  caused  much 
amusement.' " — Daily  Graphic,  February  6.] 

January  11. — Have  surpassed  myself.  No 
more  verses  to  flowers  and  such  feeble  things. 
"  Arma  virumque  cano."  That  shall  be  my 
style  for  the  future.  This  poem  certainly 
does  look  uncommonly  well  in  the  largest  type 
in  the  Times.  SWINBURNE  and  the  others 
don't  get  their  poor  efforts  printed  like  that. 
Remember  that  RUDYABD  KIPLING  once  had 
some  verses  published  in  the  same  type. 


Eheu!  Helas  !  so  he  did.  But  nobody  could 
understand  them.  Now  I  use,  and,  by  using, 
glorify,  ordinary  words  such  as  "  addle  their 
pates/'  What  would  my  predecessor,  A.  T., 
have  thought  of  that  P  But  then  he  did  not 
sound  a  clarion  blast  to  rouse  the  patriotism 
of  his  country.  I  will  be  fortiter,  no  longer 
suaviter,  in  mode.  Shall  give  up  cultivating 
snowdrops.  The  onion  is  a  nobler  and  stronger 
bulb. 

January  15. — Immense  enthusiasm  at  the 
Alhambra  where  my  poem  is  recited.  Not 
the  Alhambra  in  Spain.  The  other  one.  This 
is  indeed  fame.  A.  T.  never  had  anything 
recited  at  the  Alhambra.  Come  to  that, 
SWINBURNE  and  the  others  never  had  such 
luck  either.  Not  evea  ERIC  MACKAT  I  Won't 


they  all  be  green  with  envy  ?  And  won't  the 
enemies  of  England  tremble  ?  Don't  talk  of  a 
strong  navy.  What  England  wants  is  a  strong 
laureate.  And  she's  got  him!  By  Jove! 
Time  I  brought  in  some  Latin.  Almost  for- 
got it.  Indispensable  to  my  prose  style. 

Nolumus  pugnare, 

Sed,  0  Jingo,  si  facimus, 

Habemus  homines,  habemus  laureatum, 

Habemus  atque  pecuniam. 

These  lines  are  not  intended  to  be  scanned, 
but  to  be  sung.  Perhaps  they  will  do  for  the 
Empire.  Ah,  noble  name  I  London  Empire 
suggests  British  Empire.  Civis  Britannicus 
sum,  ego  laureatus.  Have  dug  up  all  my 
Batch  bulbs.  Shall  cultivate  only  roses, 
shamrocks,  and  thistles. 

February  1. — Don't  seem  to  read  much 
about  that  poem  in  the  newspapers.  But  at 
least  it  has  checked  the  boldness  of  England's 
enemies.  They  are  silenced.  HOMEK  himself 
could  have  done  no  more.  As  for  DANTE  or 

SHAKBPEARE However.  "  de  mortuis  nil 

nisi  bonum."  Roses  are  all  very  well,  but 
shamrocks  and  thistle  s  will  make  a  poor  show. 
Shall  cover  all  available  space  with  geraniums 
of  the  brightest  scarlet,  the  military  colour. 

February  14.—  Someone  has  sent  me  a  cut- 
ting from  the  London  edition  of  the  Johan- 
nesburg Standard  and  Diggers'  News  of  last 
week,  evidently  as  a  valentine.  At  last  I 
shall  know  the  result  of  my  poem.  Of  course 
the  Boers  are  disheartened,  hopeless,  crushed. 
[  and  the  Alhambra  have  done  that.  Begin 
to  feel  some  pity  for  them,  as  for  a  snail 
smashed  beneath  my  foot.  But  they  are, 
poetically  at  least.  Ens-land's  enemies,  and 
I  am  her  Laureate.  Miserable  men !  Let 
them  perish  in  the  ignominy  to  which  I  have 
deservedly  consigned  them.  Now  I  will  read 
this  cutting.  It  savs  "  AUSTIN'S  poem  caused 
much  amusement."  What !  They  laughed  ? 
Oh  heavens !  O  dii  immortales  !  0  ye  gods  1 
Perhaps  others  have  laughed  at  it.  Even 
my  ungrateful  countrymen  1  Even  the  fre- 
quenters of  the  music  halls  I  Even,  worst  of 
all,  SWINBURNE  and  the  others!  Begin  to 
rhink  I  will  never  write  any  more  patriotic 
poems.  Onl v  they  do  look  so  nic  s  in  that  large 
type  in  the  Times.  For  the  present  in  seclusion 
f  will  cultivate  thebashful violet, "  sub  ttgmine 
fagi"  or  quercus,  or  ulmi,  or  anything  else 
that  will  hide  my  eonfuf  ion  and  my  blushes. 


"  BIBDIE." 

WHAT  does  little  Birdie  say 

In  her  nest  at  break  of  day  ? 

"  Five  thousand  pounds  he 's  had  to  pay, 

The  Gaiety  will  be  more  gay." 


'ARRY  AN'  OOM  PAUL. 

First  'Arry.—l  sy,  i  that  chap  KBTJGER 
comes  over,  you  '11  give  'im  a  welcome,  eh  ? 

Second  'Arry. — 'Course  I  will  I  Asa  true 
Brittun  I  should  'old  out  my  fin  to  'im  and 

,  "01*  man!  give  us  your  'and!"  ("Your 
'  "  was  'Arry's  meanin'.) 


FROM  H-LY  TO  S-XT-N. 

[Mr.  HEALY  has  written  to  Mr.  SEXTON  asking 
him  to  take  the  Leadership  of  the  Irish  Party,  and 
he  (Tin  H.)  will  efface  himself  or  retire.] 

I  DO  not  feel  quite  merry  myself, 
So  preach  to  you  a  text  on  ; 

See  here !    I  '11  help  to  bury  myself 
If  you  will  be  Chief  Sexton. 


HAD  ENOUGH  OF  BEING  "  HECKLJD."— An 

unsuccessful  Parliamentary  candidate  being 
recommended  a  northern  voyage  for  change 
of  air,  refused  to  land  in  Iceland  because  he 
had  been  informed  he  should  there  come 
across  the  original  Heckla. 


FEBRUARY  22,  1896.]  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


95 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

THE  WOTTNDBD  GALLANT  TO~THEJ"WILFUL 
PEDESTRIAN. 

THB  rain  has  never  ceased  to  fall 

On  roof  and  tree  with  weirdfuljwash'; 
For  "  gamps  and  gaiters  "  there's  a  call, 

For  waterproof  and  mackintosh. 
Your  little  brodequin  's  fain  to  hide 

Its  shape  within  the  grim  golosh, 
Those  armour-plated  hoofs  beside 

That  on  the  sodden  gravel  t quash. 

I  've  done  my  best ;  I  've  pointed  ont 

The  folly  of  this  tearfnl  trip, 
And  shown  how  it  must  end  in  ront, 

Defeated  by  this  doleful  drip. 
And  yet  your  friend  must  have  his  tramp 

Through  weary  wastes  of  woeful  wet, 
Unmindful  of  the  twinge  of  Cramp, 

Or  Rheumatism's  sharp  regret. 


There  may  be  reason  for  this  oraze 

Of  plodding  'neath  a  weeping  sky ! 
There  may  be  hope  within  the  naze 

That  hides  a  sun  of  by-and-by  1 
I  ask'd  you  not  to  go — you  went. 

With  oroken  limb  I  bear  the  smart. 
Should  you  redeem  the  love  you  lent, 

You  will  not  cause  a  broken  heart. 

If  draggled,  colourless  to  see, 

Back  from  this  ramble  you  return, 
I  will  all  self-denying  be, 

Perchance  your  gratitude  to  earn. 
I  could  not  without  bitter  pain 

Forswear  the  portrait  that  I  drew ; 
So.  till  you  'ye  made  yourself  again, 

I  vow  I  will  not  look  at  you ! 


THE  TUBN  OF  THB  "TIED."— The  revolt 
of  the  publicans  against  the  brewers.  A  new 
version  of  the  old  Queen's  Theatre  drama. 


"NANSEN." 
(Old  Chorus  to  "I  would  I  were  with  Nancy" 

adapted.) 
I  WOULD  I  were  with  NANSEN, 

Idol    I  do.! 
On  the  frozen  shore 
For  a  minute  or  more 
I  'd  like  to  be  with  NANSEN  ! 
At  the  Pole ! 
On  the  whole 
I'm  glad  I  'm  not  with  NANSEN  ! 


THE  BEST  ABBITBATOB  FOU  THE  VENE- 
ZUELA QUESTION. — Mr.  "W.  G.  GBACE,  the 
champion  cricketer.  He  knows  the  duties 
of  an  umpire,  and  is  sure  to  make  "a 
boundary  hit." 


NEW  NAME  FOR  HIM. — Done-Raven. 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FBOM  THE  DIAEY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Tuesday,  February  11.— Quite  a  crowd  of 
new  Members  to  take  oath  and  teat  on  this  our  opening  dav.  Some 
are  fruits  of  General  Election.  Might  have  come  up  in  July  last, 
but  for  various  reasons  deferred  the  ceremony.  Honest  MICHAEL 
DAVITT  was  in  Australia  when  two  Irish  constituencies  competed  for 
honour  of  his  hand. 

"  Reminds  me,"  said  JAMES  BBTCE,  "!of  the  seven  cities  struggling 
for  honour  of  being  the  birthplace  of  him  whom  ALPHEUS  CLEOPHAS 
once  alluded  to  as  '  our  old  friend  HOMES.' 

Smyrna,  Chios,  Colophon,  Salamis,  Rhodoa,  Argos,  Athens, 
Orbis  de  patria  certat,  Homere,  tua." 

Pietty  to  see  the  Bashful  BABTLEY  blushing  his  way  towards  the 
table.  If  he  had  his  own  will,  would  like  quietly  to  slip  in  before 
House  meets,  kiss  the  book,  and  sign  the  Roll  when  no  one  was 
looking.  It  was  this  insurmountable  shyness  that  kept  him  back 
from  joining  throng  sworn- in  in  July.  Came  down  more  than  once 
with  intention  of  getting  the  ordeal  over.  But  something  ever 
intervened — the  twittering  of  a  sparrow,  the  roll  of  a  cab  wheel,  the 
July  sunlight  nickering  across  fettering  on  collar  of  policeman  by 
Members'  entrance.  Small  things  unaccountable  to  ordinary 
adamantine  natures. 

"  BABTLBY,"  as  Cap' en  TOMMY  BOWLES  simetimes  says,  with  a 
tremor  in  his  voice,     is  altogether  misplaced.    He  ought  to  have 
come  up  as  a  cowslip,  or 
looked  from  afar  on  a  tur- 
bulent world  through  the 
blue  eyes  of  a  violet." 

To-day  he  long  hovered 
on  outskirts  of  group  press- 
ing forward  to  take  oath. 
They  wanted  to  make  room 
for  him  as  an  old  Member. 
He  shrank  further  and  fur- 
ther under  friendly  shadow 
of  gallery.  Only  for  prompt 
action  on  part  of  Private 
HANBUBY,  who  arrested  his 
fleeting  footstep,  he  would 
have  gone  buck  to  Victoria 
Street  and  deposited  him- 
self in  the  Penny  Savings 
Bank. 

Very  differenttbebearing 
»ud  carriage  of  WILLIAM 
EDWABD  HABTPOLELECKY, 
M.A.  Coming  in  at  bye- 
election,  he  was  introduced 
in  due  form  by  CABSON, 
Q.C.,  and  WALBOND,  both 
men  of  inches.  Historian 
of  Eighteenth  Century 
towered  above  them  as  the 
Century  t  itself  o'ertops  its 
younger  brethren.  Lofty 
stature,  like  reading  and 
writing,  comes  by  nature. 
What  entranced  the  House 
was  the  the  lithe,  graceful, 


forward  movement,  the  light  poising  of  his  credentials  between 
forefinger  and  thumb,  the  smile  that  beamed  alike  upon  the  just  and 
the  unjust,  the  mien  as  deferential  to  the  messenger  behind  the 
Speaker's  chair  as  to  its  august  occupant. 

SABK  much  affected.  "Glad,"  he  said,  mopping  his  eyes,  "to 
have  lived  to  see  this  day.  Do  you  remember  what  CHABLES 
DICKENS  wrote  of  another  very  gentlemanly  man,'  who  lived  in 
the  neighbourhood  of  Bleak  House  ?  '  He  was  not  like  youth ; 
he  was  not  like  age ;  he  was  not  like  anything  in  the  world  but 
a  model  of  Deportment.'  LECKY  comes  here  with  the  weiarht  of 
reputation  established  outside  which  broke  down  JOHN  STUART 
MILL,  and  has  killed  some  other  great  men.  That  is  bad  enough. 
But  the  author  of  The  History  of  the  Rise  and  Influence  of  the  Spirit 
of  Rationalism  in  Europe  will  have  to  live  up  to  his  first  walk  down 
the  floor  of  the  House.  He  '11  find  that  the  hardest  task  of  all." 

Business  done. — Address  moved. 

Thursday. — Troublous  times  just  now  for  our  TINY  TIM.  As 
everyone  knows,  pur  TIM'S  natural  impulse,  like  that  of  his  proto- 
type in  the  Christmas  Carol,  is  to  utter  and  live  up  to  the  pious 
exclamation,  "  God  bless  us  everyone." 

"  Somehow,"  it  is  written  in  the  Christmas  Carol,  "  Tiny  Tim 
gets  thoughtful  sitting  by  himself  so  much,  and  thinks  the  strangest 
things  you  ever  heard." 

Exigencies  of  hour  compel  our  TIM  to  sit  alone,  usually  at 
corner  seat  of  third  bench  below  gangway.  His  benevolent 
aspirations,  his  universal  blessing,  have  not  precisely  the 
effect  that  might  be  expected.  Not  to  put  too  fine  a  point 

upon  it,  his  relations  with 
his  compatriots  are  a  little 
strained.  JOHN  DILLON 
does  not  love  JOHN  RED- 
MOND ;  JOHN  REDMOND, 
his  heart  bleeding  with 
sympathy  for  Ireland, 
would  like  to  punoh  JOHN 
DILLON'S  head.  They  are 
united  in  detestation  of 
TINY  TIM.  Thus  he  sits 
apart  and  thinks  strange, 
sad  things. 

For  a  while  yesterday  his 
heart  glowed  within  him. 
DILLON  had  moved  an 
amendment  to  Address, 
censuring  Government  for 
omitting  Home  Rule  Bill 
f  rom modest  list  of  measures 
announced  in  Queen's 
Speech.  Home  Rule,  as 
the  world  knows,  is  the 
desire  of  the  heart  of  every 
true  Irishman.  For  it 
patriots  have  given  up 
everything,  to  go  and  live 
in  London,  joining  what  is 
modestly  described  as  its 
best  club.  Personal  dif- 
ferences' have"  unhappily 
arisen.  TIM  deplores  them 
with  almost  passionate  re- 


gret. 


Some  LECKY -daisical'  attitudes ! 


Why  cannot  we,"  he 


96 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  22,  1896. 


said,  only  this  afternoon,  "dwell  together  in  unity,  bearing  and 
forbearing  ?  " 

When  he  saw  JOHN  REDMOND  rise  to  second  JOHN  DILLON'S 
amendment  his  heart  swelled  within  him.  Tears  dimmed  his 
spectacles  ;  a  gasp  of  grateful  emotion  was  audible,  even  across  the 
House.  Here  was  the  seed  he  had  planted  growing  up  in  the  stoniest 
of  places.  For  Ireland's  sake,  JOHN  REDMOND  was  ready  to  sink 
personal  considerations,  and  play  second  fiddle  to  JOHN  DILLON. 
Even  whilst  TIM  was  wiping 
his  glasses,  as  a  preliminary 
to  mastering  his  emotion. 
JOHN  REDMOND  shattered 
all  his  pleased  hopes. 
DILLON,  he  said  in  harsh 
voice,  had  by  a  manoeuvre 
dislodged  him  from  his 
place  of  precedence.  He 
had  intended  to  move  a 
Home  Rule  Amendment, 
and  so  show  Ireland  who 
was  her  true  friend.  DIL- 
LON had  craftily  got  in 
ahead  of  him,  and  not  only 
forestalled  his  amendment, 
but  threatened  to  burke 
his  speech. 

Only  one  way  to  avoid 
latter  sacrifice.  He  would 
second  amendment,  and  so 
reel  off  speech.  First,  how- 
ever, he  would,  like  the 
Baboo,  expose  JOHN  DIL- 
LON'S cui  bono  in  all  its 
hideous  nakedness.  This 
he  did,  and  incidentally 
went  on  to  show  how  peace- 
ful,  prosperous,  and  con- 
tented Ireland  would  be  if 


Here  the  voice  of  TINT  TIM  shrilly  piped,  "  Of  coercion.' 
"  — —  of  representation  in  this  House,   PRINCE  ARTHUR  proceeded, 
preferring  to  conclude  his  own  sentence.    But  TIM  was  in  first,  and 
would  have  upset  the  equanimity  and  spoiled  the  speech  of  a  less 
practised  debater. 
Some    comfort    found    in    these    little  explosions.      Ever 


re- 


mains the  abiding  sorrow  of  seeing  Ireland  suffer  whilst  patriots 
pull  each  other's  hair. 

"They  have  their  quar- 
rel," says  TIM  sadly,  "and 
Knsrland  has  our  estate. 

Business  done.  —  First 
division  in  new  Parliament. 
H^me  Rule  Amendment 
negatived  by  276  votes 
against  160. 

Friday. — Still  twanging 
Irish  harp  when  not  beat- 
ing the  Transvaal  drum. 
To-night  both  on.  COUHT- 
NEY  volunteered  little  vocal 
music  by  way  of  change. 
"  If  the  Transvaal  Boers." 
he  said,  "had  raised  the 
sixty-eighth  Psalm  in  cele- 
bration of  their  victory,  I, 
for  one,  would  have  been 
ready  to  join  in  the 
chorus." 

Not  usually  "a  chorus  at- 
tached to  a  Psalm,  but  that 
a  detail.  Selah. 

When  KRUGER  comes 
over.**  he  and  COURTNEY 
should  give  us  a  stave.  If 
JOUBBRT  accompanies  the 
President,  make  it  a  trio. 

Not  sure  that  KRUGER  's 
coming.  DON  JOSE  got  his 
back  up  by  undertaking  to 
govern  Transvaal  as  well 
as  th'e  Cabinet.  "In 
says  Sir 


HARDLY  DE-CHORUS  ! 


its  home  government  were 
entrusted  to  him  and  his 
loved  colleagues. 

TINY  TIM'S  depression  at 

this  turn  of  affairs  equalled      "  If  the  Boers  of  the  Transvaal  had  raieed  the  68th  Psalm  in  celebration  of  their  victory,  T,  earlier     life," 
only  by  the  generous  exul-  f°r  onei  would  have  been  ready  to  join  in  the  chorus  (sic!)."— Mr.  Leonard  Courtney,  Feb.  13.  WALTER  FOSTER",  Bart., 
tation  with  which  he  had  M.D.,  "DON  JOSE  and  I 

observed  what  he  had  thought  was  the  burning  of  private  feuds  on  used  to  work  together  in  happy  Birmingham.  Glad  enough  of  my 
the  altar  of  the  country.  Now  he  sat  thoughtful,  isolated  in  his  advice  in  those  days.  Would  have  been  better  off  if  he  had  sought 
corner  seat,  "thinking  the  strangest  things  you  ever  heard."  The  it  in  these.  It  doesn't  require  man  of  my  professional  eminence  and 
House  was,  however,  privileged  to  hear  them.  The  sight  of  PRINCE  experience  to  perceive  the  fatal  flaw  underlying  his  despatching  that 
ARTHUR  on  his  legs  discoursing  about  Ireland  ever  makes  TIM  i  dose  of  Home  Rule  for  Transvaal.  Suppose  aJLondon  doctor  were, 
articulate.  Still  more  exhilarating  is  the  spectacled  DON  JOSE,  uninvited,  to  send  A * 


d  to  one  of  my  patients  at  Edgbaston  a  phial  of 
'  To  be  taken  internally.'    Would  he  swallow  it  ? 


quiet,  strong,  master  of  himself  and  his  subject.    To-night,  whilst  medicine  marked 

these  two  spoke,  TIM  dropped  a  running  and  occasionally  embarrass-   Certainly  not.     He  'd  reply,   '  You  be  blowed.     You  're  not  my 
ing  commentary.    Once  PRINCE  ARTHUR  had  launched  into  lofty  i  doctor.'    Transvaal  case  and  DON  JOSE'S  Home  Rule  panacea  on  all 

1  fours  with  this.    Natural  consequences  have  followed.    DON  JOSE  a 
clever  man ;  but  he  will  see  he  would  do  well  when  making  new 


passage  descriptive  of  benefits  conferred  by  Parliament  on  Ireland. 

"  We  give  to  the  Irish  race  living  within  our  jurisdiction  every 
privilege  we  ask  for  ourselves.  We  give  them  not  merely  their 
share,  but  more  than  their  share " 


friends  not  to  ignore  his  old  counsellors." 
Business  done. — Much  talk  round  Addreis. 


UNIVERSITY  INTELLIGENCE. 

(A  Vision  of  the  Near  Future.) 

THE  proceedings  at  yesterday's  congrega- 
tion were  of  an  unusually  protracted  nature, 
as  nearly  all  the  lady  M.  A.'s  now  in  residence 
addressed  the  Senate  at  some  length.  Miss 
BELLE,  of  Girton,  suggested  that  a  change 
should  be  made  in  the  colour  of  the  university 
hoods.  Fur,  she  remarked,  was  altogether 
unsuitable  and  unfashionable  in  the  summer 
months,  and  white  silk  by  no  means  suited 
everyone.  She  would  suggest  that  entire 
freedom  should  be  given  to  graduates— or, 
at  least,  to  lady- graduates— to  select  the 
colours  and  materials  that  would  harmonise 
best  with  their  dresses.  It  was  ultimately 
decided  that  a  Syndicate  should  obtain  patterns 
from  Messrs.  LIBERTY,  and  report  to  the 
Senate  on  the  subject, 

Miss  HOMESPUN  brought  forward  a  "  grace  " 
for  the  appointment  of  an  University  Profes- 
sor of  Needlework,  at  a  salary  of  £1000.  It 
has  been  urged,  she  said,  that  the  result  rf 
the  higher  education  of  women  was  to  unfit 
them  for  domestic  duties.  In  order  to  refute 


this,  it  would  be  an  excellent  plan  to  endow 
a  Professorship  for  teaching  this  most  useful 
accomplishment.  She  was  aware  that  the 
post  would  be  an  onerous  one,  and  she  there- 
fore proposed  to  occupy  it  herself.  The  grace, 
however,  was  "non-placeted"  by  345  votestol. 

One  of  the  Fellows  of  Girton  called  the 
attention  of  the  Senate  to  a  gross  neglect  of 
his  duty  on  the  part  of  one  of  the  Proctors. 
An  undergraduate  of  her  college  had  caused 
great  disturbance  by  holding  ex&emely  rowdy 
"  Cocoas"  in  her  room  ;  and  when  rebuked 
for  her  misconduct,  had  called  the  speaker 
"  an  old  cat."  She  had  referred  the  matter 
to  the  Proctor,  requesting  him  to  fine  the 
delinquent  heavily  ;  but  he  had  taken  abso- 
lutely no  notice  of  her  letter.  The  reason  of 
this  misplaced  leniency  she  had  just  dis- 
covered ;  the  Proctor,  she  blushed  to  say,  was 
engaged  to  the  young  lady  in  question.  ( Cries 
of"  Shame!1'  and  great  uproar.) 

The  Proctor  explained  that,  together  with 
all  his  colleagues,  he  wished  to  resign  his 
oil  ice.  His  work  had  been  difficult  enough 
before,  but  now  that  ladies  had  become 
members  of  the  University,  it  was  impossible 
to  perform  it.  To  have  to  deal  with  crowds  ' 


of  abominable  girls  ("  Oh  /"),  who  only 
giggled  when  he  asked  their  name  and  college, 
was  absolutely  maddening.  (Derisive  cheers.) 

The  Senior  Dean  of  JSewnham  pointed  out 
tnat  all  the  best  buildings  in  the  University 
were,  quite  unjustly,  allotted  to  the  men. 
This  anomaly  must  be  removed.  She  would 
allow  the  Trinity  men  to  remain  undisturbed 
for  the  present.  (Applause  fromDr.  BUTLER.) 
But  Newnham  must  have  a  worthier  abode 
than  its  present  one.  On  the  whole,  she 
thought  that  Clare  College  would  suit  them 
very  nicely.  She,  therefore,  proposed  that 
the  Newnham  students  should  be  transferred 
to  Clare,  and  that  the  Clare  men  should  live 
in  Newnham  for  the  future. 

The  Tutor  of  Clare  remarked  that  the  Dean 
of  Newnham  might  try  to  evict  him  and  his 
College  as  soon  as  they  pleased.  He  would 
only  add  that  they  had  a  fire-engine  of  con- 
siderable power,  and (Uproar.) 

As  itwas  nearly  tea-time,  the  Senate  shortly 
afterwards  adjourned. 


WHERE  WRIGHT  WAS  NOT  MIGHT. — In  the 
trial  of  the  Haggerston  Election  Petition. 


FEBRUARY  29,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


97 


THE  QUICK-STEP  OF  THE  LAW  IN 
THE  COMING  BY-AND-BY. 

["The  Counsel  of  the  Plaintiff  was 
about  to  tell  his  Lordship  the  history  of 
the  case,  when  the  Judge  said  he  was 
familiar  with  the  whole  of  it." 

Daily  Paper.] 

SCENE—  A  Court  of  Justice.  Usual 
accessories.  Judge  on  the  Bench. 
Barristers  facing  him.  Solicitors 
in  the  Well,  seated  next  Litigants. 
Jury  in  their  box,  and  Witnesses 
in  waiting. 

Leader  for  the  Plaintiff.  And  now, 
my  Lord,  if  your  Lordship  pleases,  I 
wUl  give  you  a  brief  history 

Judge  (interrupting).  No,  thanks. 
I  know  all  about  it. 

Leader  for  the  Plaintiff.  Well,  I 
will  proceed  to  examine  my  client, 
who  has  already  been  sworn. . 

Judge.  Thanks.  Quite  unnecessary. 
I  will  examine  him  myself.  [Does  so. 

Leader  for  the  Pontiff.  I  will 
now  proceed  to  call  other  witnesses. 

Judge  (interrupting).  Better  leave 
them  to  me.  I  will  dispose  of  them 
in  next  to  DO  time.  [Does  so. 

Leader  for  the  Defendant.  And 
now,  my  Lord,  I  will  open  the  case 
for . 

Judge.  Quite  unnecessary.  I  know 
all  you  propose  to  say. 

Leader  for  the  Defendant.  Then 
I  will  call  my  witnesses. 

Judge.  I  shall  follow  the  practice  I 
have  established  on  the  other  side,  and 
look  after  them  myself.  [Does  so. 

Leader  for  the  Defendant.  With 
your  Lordship's  permission,  I  will  sum 
up  the  case  in  defence  of  my  client. 

Judge.  Thanks,  no.  I  can  do  that 
for  you. 

Leader  for  the  Plaintiff.  And  I 
for  my  client,  if  your  Lordship 
pleases,  will 


SOMETHING    TO    LOOK    FORWARD   TO. 

"OH  YES,  I  KNOW  I  MUST  EAT  IF  I  WANT  TO  GKOW 
HEALTHY,  AND  BIG,  AND  STRONG.  NOW  I  SUPPOSE  YOU  WERE 
ABLE  TO  LEAVE  OFF  EATING  LONG  AGO,  AUNT  PHILLIDA  1 " 


Judge  (interrupting).  Sum  up  the 
whole  case  P  Thanks,  no.  I  can  do 
it  for  you  as  easily  as  for  your  learned 
friend.  [Does  so. 

Foreman  of  the  Jury.  And  now, 
my  Lord,  are  we  to  give  our  verdict '( 

Judge.  Well,  you  can  if  you  like ; 
but  I  really  think  you  had  better 
leave  it  to  me,  as  I  know  much  more 
about  it  than  you  do. 

Foreman  of  the  Jury.  As  your 
Lordship  pleases. 

Judge.  That's  right.  Verdict  for 
the  plaintiff.  Damages  fifty  pounds, 
and  costs. 

Leader s(protesting).  Really, really, 
my  Lord,  we  are  not  accustomed 
to . 

Judge  (interrupting).  Bat  I  am! 
Call  the  next  case. 

[Hurried  business,  and  quick 
Curtain. 


NONB    BUT    THE    SLAVE    DESERVES 

THE  FARE. — At  the  meeting  of  the 
Metropolitan  District  Railway  Com- 
pany, Mr.  FORBES,  the  chairman, 
complained  that  prosperous  tradesmen 
used  workmen's  trains  and  paid  only 
one  penny  instead  of  twice  or  thrice 
as  much.  Of  course,  these  well-to- 
do  merchants  ought  to  be  "punched" 
at  the  barriers,  and  the  bond  fide 
working  men  stamped  M.  D.  R.  or 
Men  Deserving  Relief. 

A  REALLY  WONDERFUL  PIG.— The 
Paris  Correspondent  of  the  Daily 
Telegraph  states  that  Monsieur  Co- 
chont  a  nighly  intelligent  pig  in  the 
Mardigrat ;  cavalcade,  "had a  quizzi- 
cal expression  on  its  snout  as  it  looked 
down  on  the  crowd  from  the  char- 
cuterie  oar."  Of  course,  Monsieur 
Cochon  must  have  turned  up  his 
nose  at  the  spectators  in  order  to  get 
any  expression  out  of  it. 


"GLORIOUS,  BY  JINGO!" 

SCENE— The  Metropolis  of  a  Mighty  Umpire.    Enter  First  and 
Second  Citizen. 

First  Citizen.  Glorious  news,  isn't  it  ? 

Second  Citizen.  Magnificent!    Never  heard  anything  to  equal  it 
in  my  life ! 

First  Cit.   doing  to  have  the  biggest  fleet  ever  seen  —  costing 
millions ! 

Second  Cit.  Yes;  and  an  army  that  will  go  anywhere,  and  do 
anything— costing  so  much  more. 

First  Cit.  And  the  volunteers  to  have  as  much  cash  as  they  like ! 

Second  Cit.  And  the  militia  and  yeomanry  to  have  more  than  they 
care  for  I 

First  Cit.  Why,  we  shall  make  the  whole  world  envy  us  with  our 
new  forts,  and  new  guns,  and  new  coaling-stations ! 

Second  Cit.  Yes ;  we  shall  put  ourselves  outside  competition ! 

First  Cit.  And  absolutely  negative  criticism  1 

Second  Cit.  Fire  guns  all  day  costing  about  £200  a  discharge  I 

First  Cit.  And  send  out  any  number  of  squadrons  under  full 
steam  at  so  much  per  ton  for  coals  I 

Second  Cit.  Fortunately,  we  are  going  to  have  a  big  surplus  I 

First  Cit.  Not  that  that  will  go  very  far!    No,  we  must  just 
absorb  it  with  a  view  to  increased  expenditure  I 

Second  Cit.  Quite  so.    What  I  say  is  confound  the  expense ! 

First  Cit.  To  which  I  respond,  down  with  the  Income  Tax  ! 

Second  Cit.  What  if  we  have  to  pay  tenpence  in  the  pound  ? 

First  Cit.  Or  even — if  it  comes  to  that— even  two  hundred  and 
forty. 

Second  Cit.  So  rule  Britannia ! 

First  Cit.  And  there 's  no  dearer  place  than  home  I 
[They  stimulate  one  another  with  a  forced  cheer,  and  exeunt 
recklessly. 

PKOBABLE.— On  his  way  to  the  pole  Dr.  NANSEN  may  have  come 
across  the  traces  of  other  expeditions. 


QUEER  QUERIES. 

RABIETIC. — What  is  the  best  way  of  putting  a  muzzle  on  a  very 
athletic  and  rather  bad-tempered  bull-dog  ?  I  have  tried  to  do  it 
while  he  was  (apparently)  fast  asleep,  and  narrowly  escaped  from  the 
apartment  with  my  life.  Chloroform  is  of  no  use,  as  the  brute  will 
not  allow  it  to  be  placed  anywhere  near  his  nose,  and  a  strong  solu- 
tion of  it  inserted  in  the  garden  syringe  and  squirted  over  him 
through  a  window  only  makes  him  savage.  Shall  be  glad  of  any 
hints — also  to  know  cost  of  a  journey  to  PASTEUR'S  establishment  in 
Paris. — LOVER  OF  DOGS. 

HUSBAND  AND  WIFE.— Owing  to  some  small  domestic  misunder- 
standings, my  wife  has  obtained  (1)  a  protection  order  against  me, 
(2)  a  judicial  separation,  (3)  maintenance  at  two  pounds  a  week, 
(4)  and  custody  of  a  favourite  parrot.  I  feel  doubtful  whether  under 
the  new  Act  I  have  the  right  to  go  on  living  in  my  own  house.  Will 
somebody  kindly  explain  the  Act,  and  also  tell  me  how  I  am  to  give 
two  pounds  a  week  out  of  an  income  of  thirty  shillings  ? — ANGEL  is 
THB  HOUSE. 

ADVICE  GRATIS. — A  house-agent  has  let  my  furnished  house  for 
me,  and  now  has  the  assurance  to  claim  a  commission  I  Am  I  bound 
to  pay  this  monstrous  demand  ?  I  am  glad  and  proud  to  say  that  I 
have  not  signed  any  agreement  to  pay  it.  The  man  says  he  has  taken  a 
great  deal  of  trouble  over  the  letting,  and  no  doubt  he  has.  But  hav- 
ing signed  nothing,  surely  I  am  not  legally  liable  ?— GENEROUS  SOUL. 

MORE  HISTORICAL  DOUBTS. — We  have  a  beastly  history  lesson 
twice  a  week,  and  I  want  to  know,  please,  who  was  "the  Electric 
SOPHIA,"  and  why  was  she  called  oy  that  name  ?  I  asked  my 
master,  who  only  laughed,  and  said  he  "  supposed  it  was  because 
she  had  a  magnetic  personality,"  but  I  don't  know  what  on  earth  he 
meant.  She  comes  in  every  lesson,  and  all  the  form  laughs  at  me 
when  I  mention  her.  So  please  let  me  know  about  her  soon. 

JONES  MINIMUS. 

MOITO  ITOK  AN  IMPECUNIOUS  FOOTBALL  CLUB, — "  More  kicks  than 
halfpence." 


VOI..    01. 


98 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  29,  1896. 


"NURSE    BRUIN." 

'  WHAT  A  SPIRIT  HE  HAS  I    DEAR  LITTLE  CHAP  I    INTEBFKBE  WITH  HIM,  INDEED  ;  NOT  WHILE  HIS  OLD  NANA  is  HERB. 


FEBRUARY  29,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


99 


A  RESULT  OF  THE  OPEN  SEASON. 

Biker  (to  his  hunting  friend).  "I  SAY,  OLD  CHAP,  THAT  NAG  OF  YOURS  IOOKS  RATHER  DEFLATED — LET  ME  LEND  YOU  MY  PUMP." 


PUNCH'S  PLEA  FOR  THE  WHITE-PLUMED 
HERONS. 

(An  Appeal  to  all  English  Ladies  with 
Pitiful  Hearts.) 

44  BUTCHERED  to  make  a  Roman  holiday," 

That  roused  bard  anger  in  indignant  metre 
Butchered  to  make  a  lady's  bonnet  gay  !  — 
Sounds  that  much  sweeter  ? 

Little  white  heron,  with  the  shoulder  plume 
Which  stirs  the  milliner's  remorseless  pas- 
sion, 

You  guess  not  how  your  finery  seals  your 
dx>m 

At  beck  of  Fashion. 
The  little  egret's  nuptial  plumes  are  sought 

Above  all  other  feathers  by  EVE'S  daughter, 
And  hence  the  heronry  with  woe  is  franght, 
A  scene  of  slaughter. 

Poor,  pretty,  bridal-plumed,  nest-loyal  birds, 
At    breeding-time   alone   you   grow  gre- 
garious. 

The  hunter  comes,  and  scenes  too  sad  for  words 
Grieve  e'en  the  hilarious. 

The  mothers   hovering   near  their  helpless 

brood, 

Are  shot  in  hundreds ;  Mi  j  such  easy  killing  I 
The  plumelets  are  plucked  out,  since  they  are 
good 

For  many  a  shilling. 

The  young  birds  starve,  whilst,  festering  in 

white  heaps, 
Their  displumed  parents  lie  in  ecores  about 

them. 

When  men  fay  at  the  thought  their  chill 
blood  creeps, 

Will  ladies  doubt  them  ? 


Male  thralls  of  Mammon  cb  the  murderous 

deed, 

But  if  the  slaves  of  Mode  could  feel  com- 
passion, 

Young  herons  need  not  starve,  nor  old  ones 
bleed. 

To— follow  Fashion ! 

The  heronries  are  fast  destroyed,  'tis  said, 

The  pretty  egrets  fast  exterminated. 
It  E earns  a  pity  !    Betwixt  Mode  and  Trade 
Are  the  birds  fated  ? 

Nay,  lovely  woman,  prithee  just  say  4I  Nay  " 

In  mere  humanity  and  love  of  beauty  ! 
Punch  loves  the  sex,  and  to  his  pets  would 
pray, 

44  Dears— do  your  duty  !  " 

CABEFUL  REVISION. — In  Chicago,  the  Board 
of  Education  has  adopted  a  *4  revised  version'1 
of  the  Bible.  Some  of  the  Psalms  of  David 
wanted,  they  thought,  cutting ;  so  they  cut 
them.  They've  cut  "A  little  bit  here,  and 
a  little  bit  there,"  44  Here  a  bit,  and  there 
a  bit,  and  everywhere  a  bit,"  as  the  old 
song  has  it.  But,  when  editing  and  revising 
the  Bible,  why  not  omit  the  two  versions  of 
the  Decalogue?  That  omission  would  suit 
a  vast  number  of  worthy  people. 


NEW  MOTTO  FOB  THE  MUSSULMAN. — There 
is  no  good  in  the  European  Concert,  and  the 
Sultan 's  its  profit  1 


CANNING'S  COUPLET  BEMODEIJ.ED. 
I  \  matters  of  contest  the  charm  of  the  Dutch 
Is/orgiving  a  little,  and  asking  not  much. 


THE  MILLINER  MUSE. 
(A  Recipe.) 

CUT  prose,  just  like  mohair   or   tilk,  into 

snippets, 

And  end  them  with  tags,  like  boot-laces ; 
Bespangle  with  tropes,  like  glass-beads  on 

girls'  44  tippets," 

To  please  the  new  Muses  and  Graces : 
Finish  off  with  smart  tassels,— called  com- 
monly rhymes, — 
For  antiphonetical  tinkling ; 
And,  with  shoddy  that  sparkles  and  nonsense 

that  chimes. 
You  '11  be  hailed  a  new  bard  in  a  twinkling. 


PATRIOTIC   TOAST. 

British  Tar  sings : — 

BRITANNIA  still  sea-rule  enjoys, 

Despite  rude  Ger-ma-ny  I 
Here  '•  to  her  Flying  Squadron,  boys ! 

And  may  it  never— fly  I 


THE  CCJBSE  OF  CHEAPNESS.  —  These  ate 
terribly  subversive  times  I  What  price  any- 
thing f — or  anybody  ?  "  Penny  Poets  "  were 
bad  enough,  though  they  have  sometimes 
been  quoted  as  low  as  ''tuppenny-half- 
penny,'' to  be  sure.  But  now  some  radical 
revolutionary  advertises  a  44  Shilling  Peer- 
age" I  This  is  tbe  most  daring  attack  upon 
the  House  of  Lords  we  have  yet  heard  of. 
The  next  novelty  we  suppose  will  be 
"Sixpenny  Sovereigns"  or  44  Farthing 
Crowns." 


100 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  29,  1896. 


"  Taking  the  Sh(r)ine  out 
of  Him." 

["  I  suppose  I  must  begin  what 
I  have  to  say  by  laying  a  chaplet 
....  on  the  opulent  shrine  of  the 
Colonial  Secretary."—  Vide  Lord 
Hatchery's  Speech  in  Houss  of 
Lords,  February  11.] 

The  Eight  Hon.  J-s-ph 

Ch-mb-rl-n  loq.: — 
ALTHOUGH  I  'm  a  thundering 

kind  of  a  chap 
I  agree  not  with     canonisa- 
tion": 
Were  I  only  a  saint  I  'd  be  not 

worth  a  rap 

In  this  cycle  of  civilisation. 
That's  why  I  don't  care  for 

that  metaphor  rare- 
No,  I  can't  like  that  "opu- 
lent shrine''  a  bit. 
Bat  cut  out  the  "r"  and  you '11 

find  me  "  all  there," 
For  I  think  I  can  ''opulent 
shine  "  a  bit  1 


"UNIVERSITY.  INTELLI- 
GENCE." (Extract  from  letter 
written  by  Undergraduate 
Member  of  Literary  Society 
to  learned  friend.) — I  hear 
that  I  am  going  to  be  asked  by 
the  committee  to  read  an  essay 
on  "Keats."  Can  you  tell 
me  ...  what  are  "Keats"? 
Yours  ever,  SAMMY. 

NOTTO  BE  TOO  RlGG-OBOUSLY 

TAKEN. — Of  course  (d  propos 
of  some  recent  letters  in  the 
Times),  the  reverend  gentle- 
man is  not  a  "Vessel  of 
Wrath,"  but,  being  a  vessel, 
his  detractors  might  say  of 
him,  in  nautical  fashion,  that 
"  he  is  rather  a  queer  Rigg." 


HE   HAD   SUCCEEDED. 


A.  "OH,    I  SAT,   THAT  BKETCH  YOU  DID  OF  MB  IN  THE  DAILY  NsATOR 
MADE  MB  LOOK  THE  SOKT  OF  CONCEITED  ASS  ONB  WOULD  LIKB  TO  KICK  1" 

B.  "You  THINK  so?     AND   I  WAS  AFRAID  I  HAD  QUITE  FAILED  TO 

CATCH  THE  CHARACTER  I  " 


HAPPY   PAIR. 

["  A  marriage  was  '  solem- 
nised,' by  special  licence,  before 
Sheriff  BROWN,  but  the  'happy 
pair '  had  a  long  wait  in  the 
Sheriff  Court  until  his  lordship 
disposed  of  a  '  criminal  case ' ! " 
—  The  Aberdeen  Daily  Free  Press.] 

EBEU,  fugaces!      Now  Hy- 
men's kept  waiting, 
The  conjugal  knot  can't  be 

tied. 
"Antic  the  law"   must,  by 

dint  of  debating, 
A  criminal  case  first  decide. 

IS  Envoi, 

How  queer  a  commencement! 
Yet,     "happy     pair," 
pause, 
And    ponder    the    terrible 

thought:— 
Sjme  day  before  J(e)une,  in  a 

different  cause, 
Again  you  may  wait  for  the 
CmrtI 


A  TEETOTALER'S  SPIRIT. — 
During  recent  breach  -  of  - 
promise  trial,  plaintiff,  a  bar- 
maid, examined  by  member  of 
legal,  not  drinking,  Bar,  said 
that  defendant  "never  drank 
spirits  at  all.' '  * '  Then,"  asked 
the  Judge,  "what  did  he 
drink?"  "  Scotch,  whisky," 
promptly  answered  Barmaiden. 
So  this  is  good  news  for  tee- 
totalers. "  Scotch  whisky  is 
not  reckoned  among  spirits." 
But  isn't  it  rather  a  cruel 
revelation  to  the  whisky 
drinker  ? 


THE  POET  LAUREATE'S 
LINES.—"  'Alf  Measures." 


ROUNDABOUT    READINGS. 

A  HOLIDAY  HORROR 

I  AM  about  to  narrate  one  of  the  most  afflicting  tragedies  that  have 
ever  come  to  my  knowledge,  a  tragedy  that  is  in  very  truth  a 
tragedy,  for  it  moves  pity  and  terror,  purges  the  emotions  by  them — 
and  that  I  have  always  understood  to  be  the  genuine  mark  of  a 
tragedy.  It  happened  during  the  last  Christmas  holidays,  but  a 
very  natural  desire  on  the  part  of  those  concerned  that  their  reputa- 
tions might  not  suffer,  kept  the  story  from  their  intimates  and  from  the 
world.  It  was  revealed  to  me  under  a  pledge  of  profound  secrecy. 
As,  however,  no  good  purpose  can  be  served  by  keeping  this  pledge, 
I  have  no  scruples  whatever  about  breaking  it.  Indeed,  I  have 
always  been  of  the  opinion  that  such  pledges  were  exacted  merely 
in  order  that  they  might  be  promptly  broken.  If,  for  instance,  a 
secret  is  revealed  to  me  in  an  ordinary  commonplace  way  with  no 
special  attempt  to  enhance  mystery  by  binding  me  to  a  complete 
silence,  I  go  on  my  way  and  forget  all  about  it  the  next  minute. 
But  if  on  the  other  hand  I  am  bound  to  silence  by  strange  oaths,  if  I 
am  assured  that  the  character  of  orphans,  or  the  peace  of  mind  of 
widows  depends  upon  my  observing  secrecy— why  then  the  load 
becomes  too  heavy  to  be  borne,  my  shoulders  resent  the  unac- 
customed weight,  and  I  go  about  groaning  until  I  can  obtain  ease  by 
sharing  it  with  others.  This  I  shall  now  do. 

WHEN  REGGIE  BARKWORTH  came  home  for  his  Christmas  holidays, 
he  was  received  in  the  parental  mansion  in  London  with  the  usual 
demonstrations  of  chastened  joy.  REGGIE  is  at  present  serving  his 
country  on  board  H. M.S.  Britannia,  qualifying  for  the  Admiral's 
uniform,  with  which  the  imagination  of  his  fond  mother  has  already 
invested  him.  He  is  a  boy  of  high  spirits,  full  of  mischief  and 
pranks  as  a  boy  should  be,  and  the  question  of  entertaining  him, 
keeping  him  occupied,  and  diverting  his  energies  from  monkey- 
tncks,  assumes  a  considerable  importance  in  an  otherwise  quiet 
household.  I  need  not  go  through  the  list  of  all  the  pantomimes, 
entertainments,  and  amusements,  to  which  REGGIE  was  consigned  in 
tne  charge  of  his  various  relatives,  each  of  whom  was  told  off  in  turn 


for  a  spell  of  Reggie-duty.  Sometimes,  however,  the  stock  of  guar- 
dians ran  dry  for  the  moment,  and  REGGIE  had  to  be  sent  off  alone, 
or  in  the  company  of  any  shipmates  whom  he  might  have  gathered 
round  him.  On  an  occasion  of  this  sort,  he  sallied  forth  one 
fatal  day,  with  four  others  like  unto  himself,  and  visited  a  certain 
Hall  of  Amusement.  He  had  received  the  usual  injunctions  as  to 
the  punctuality  of  his  home-coming,  and  a  reasonable  amount  of 
money,  strictly  apportioned  to  his  needs,  had  been  allotted  to  him. 
In  due  time  these  five  budding  sailors  invaded  the  Hall.  After 
feasting  on  many  marvels,  listening  to  songs,  observing  dances  in  a 
properly  critical  spirit,  and  gazing  with  breathless  interest  at 
spangled  acrobats,  they  found  themselves  in  a  recess  dedicated  to 
the  performances  of  an  army  of  industrious  fleas,  in  charge  of  a 
skilled  and  voluble  educator.  The  entertainment  was  in  full  swing, 
but  the  spectators  were  not  very  numerous,  and  the  youngsters 
were  therefore  able  to  obtain  front  places  at  the  table  on  which  the 
tricks  were  proceeding.  

"Tms  here,"  said  the  educator,  a  melancholy  man,  seemingly 
overweighted  with  his  responsibilities:  "this  here  in  the  front  is 
Caradoc,  the  champion  flea  of  the  world.  I  ketched  him  young,  off 
of  a  ducal  establishment  in  the  Midlands,  and  spent  a  year  learnin 
him  all  his  accomplishments.  He  is  a  flea  of  very  deteimined 
character,  strictly  honnerble  in  all  his  dealin's ;  but  he  has  a  warm 
heart,  and  shows  remarkable  affection.  Caradoc" — this  to  the  flea — 
"  do  not  champ  your  bit  so ;  I  can't  have  you  a  pawin' the  ground 
like  this ;  beyave  yourself  like  an  aristocrat,  and  be  quiet  till  I  tell 
you  to  move.  Ladies  and  gentlemen,  Caradoc  will  now  draw  the 
state  coach  four  times  round  the  arena.  Then,  raisin'  hisself  on  his 
hind  legs,  he  will  bow  three  times,  salutin'  the  company.  On  the 
box  of  the  coach  you  will  observe  Charleymang  and  Wellington, 
two  fleas  specially  selected  for  their  knowledge  of  'oases  and  power  of 
drivin'  safe  through  a  crowd  of  traffic.  The  flea  inside  the  caach, 
sittin'  in  state,  is  the  Queen  of  the  Sandwich  Islands.  She  is  a  lazy 
flea,  but  very  stiff  about  etiquette ;  will  have  the  other  fleas  a  bowin 
down  before  her,  and  never  turnin'  their  backs.  Now,  Caradoc,  you 
can  start.  Let  the  ladies  and  gentlemen  see  your  fine  action.  Look 


FEBRUARY  29,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


101 


here,  my  young  fellow  " — this  was  to  REGGIE 
— "  don't  you  come  a  pushin'  like  that,  or 
you  '11  upset  that  'ere  bottle,  and  there 's  a 
matter  of  five  'undred  fleas  in  that  bottle,  all 
in  strict  training,  and  kep'  from  their  natural 
food,  so  as  to  make  'em  savage.  Good 
gracious !  do  he  careful.  There,  didn't  I  tell 
you "  

THE  expected  had  taken  place.  REGGIE 
and  his  companions,  in  their  anxiety  to  ob- 
serve the  evolutions  of  Caradoc,  Charley- 
mang,  Wellington,  and  the  Queen  of  the 
Sanmvich  Islands,  had  advanced  too  closely 
to  the  table,  and  with  a  careless  sweep  of  his 
arm  REGGIE  had  upset  the  hottle,  the  top  of 
which,  I  may  state,  was  only  covered  with  a 
card.  Five  hundred  hungry,  savage  fleas,  all 
in  strict  training,  saw  their  chance  of  liberty, 
and  most  of  them  profited  by  it.  Never  has 
there  been  such  a  hopping,  such  a  scattering 
right  andleft  of  agonized  spectators.  "There," 
said  the  educator,  as  he  surveyed  the  ruin  of 
his  hopes,  "you've  done  it  this  time,  my  boy. 
Them  five  'undred  fleas  are  half-eddicated. 
Many 's  the  day  I  spent  over  them,  but  it 's 
all  wasted  now,  and  I  'm  in  the  Bankruptcy 
Court.  Why,  I  refused  a  thousand  pound 
for  that  there  bottle  of  fleas  only  last  week." 

By  this  time  the  bottle  had  been  restored 
to  its  upright  position  and  securely  covered, 
but  it  held  only  a  very  small  proportion  of  its 
original  contents.  The  rest  had  vanished  like 
a  beautiful  dream.  REGGIE,  a  boy  of  a  kindly 
disposition,  was  overwhelmed  with  grief  at 
the  result  of  his  thoughtlessness.  "Look 
here,"  he  said,  "  I've  only  got  a  shilling,  but 
if  that's  any  use  to  you  you  shall  have  it." 
"A  shillin',"  said  the  educator  in  atone  of 
scorn,  "what's  a  shillin'?  But  there,  I'll 
take  it  on  account,  and  you  can  pay  me  the 
other  nine-'undred-and-ninety-nine  pounds, 
nineteen  shillin's  by  instalments.  I  dessay  I 
can  ketch  some  more  as  time  goes  on.  If  I 
do,  I  '11  credit  you  with  them."  The  bargain 
was  struck,  and  REGGIE  went  home. 

OF  course  the  matter  did  not  end  here.  On 
the  following  day  REGGIE  returned  to  the 
Britannia  swollen  to  twice  his  natural  size. 
The  room  he  had  occupied  at  home  was  fumi- 
gated, but  to  no  avail.  It  was  occupied  last 
week  by  a  beautiful  young  lady  who  had 
come  to  stay  for  a  dance.  Her  shrieks  during 
the  night  were  heartrending-,  and  her  appear- 
ance the  next  day  so  painful  that  she  had  to 
be  wrapped  in  cotton-wool  and  sent  back  in 
the  charge  of  a  nurse  to  the  country  vicarage 
which  is  her  home.  From  the  Britannia 
come  rumours  of  a  restless  spirit  on  the  part 
of  the  cadets  which  is  causing  serious  anxiety 
to  the  authorities.  London  is  at  this  moment 
unconsciously  under  the  domination  of  several 
hundreds  of  fleas,  just  suHiciently  educated 
to  know  their  own  terrible  powers,  but  not  to 
restrain  them  within  the  limits  of  propriety 
and  good-feeling.  I  can  see  only  one  remedy, 
that  the  County  Council  should  issue  a 
muzzling  order  for  fleas. 


UNIVERSITY  COLLEGES  OPEN  TO  WOMEN  OF 
ALL  DEGREES.  —  Let  us  make  a  selection. 
There's  Magdalen,  Oxford,  likewise  Cam- 
bridge. At  the  former,  a  girl  undergraduate 
may  become  a  "  Demy  "  if  she  doesn't  object 
to  swearing,  and  is  not  of  opinion  that  the 
" Demy  "  won't  become  her.  There's  Clare 
College  —  pretty  name  Clare.  Likewise, 
there's  St.  Catherine's.  Lady  Bachelors  to 
remain  celibates,  and  the  M.A.'s  to  wear  the 
quoif  of  St.  Catherine.  At  the  college  the 
study  of  music  would  largely  engage  the 
attention  of  the  students,  and  once  every  term 
there  would  be  a  "  Catt's  Concert "  in  Hall. 
The  Game  of  Pass  for  the  corners  would  be  a 
favourite  one  with  the  undergraduate  girls. 


First  Newspaper  Boy.  "  HULIO,  BILL  1    WHO  's  'B  ?' ' 

Second  Newspaper  Soy.  "  I  SUPPOSE  'B  's  THB  NORTH  POLK  AS  'AS  JUST  BBEN  DISCOVERED  1 ' 


L.S.D. 

Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer  to  John  Bull : — 

I  BEG  to  remark,  dear  respected  J.  B., 

If  you  wish  to  retain  your  command  of  the 

sea, 
You  must  give  me  command  of  your  L.8.D. 

John  Bull  to  the  Chancellor  of  the 

Exchequer : — 
I  shan't  make  a  fuss  o'er  pounds,  shillings,  and 

pence, 
If  you  give  me  defence  without  waste  or 

pretence. 
Let's  have  a  strong  Navy,  and— hang  the 


The 


expense 


L.S.D.    I  want 
Defence  I 


is    my   Land's    Safe 


Drawing  the  Line. 

( Written  after  reading  the  views  of  Barcn  Von 
Marschall  concerning  "  Our  Raihvays,"  $c.,  in 
the  Zransvaal.) 
To  MONROE  Doctrine  JOHN  BULL  may  be 

schooled, 

But,  spite  of  all  that  German  Baron's  jaw, 
He  '11  show  the  Teuton  he  is  not  yet  ruled 
By  "  MARSHALL"  Law  I  " 

THE  BARB  FACT.— The  recent  great  rise  in 
Consols  "may  be  ascribed,"  the  Times  ob- 
served, "  in  great  measure  to^the  existence  of 
a  bear  account,  called  into  being  by  the  possi- 
bilities of  disturbance  opened  up  by  events  in 
various  parts  of  the  world."  Then  it 's  mainly 
on  the  ''Russian  Bear  account"  that  Consols 
have  gone  up. 


102 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  29,  1896. 


WHAT   OUR   TENOR    HAS   TO    PUT    UP   WITH. 

Fair  Accompanist  (cheerfully},  "Now  YOU  GO  OK,  AND  NEVER  MIND  MB!    I'LL  CATCH 

YOU  UP  BY-AND-BY  1 " 


PUNCH  TO  THE  NEW  PRESIDENT. 

["I  thank  you,  good  Sir  JOHN  !  "—Second  Part 
E.\*g  Htnry  the  Fourth,  Act  II.,  Sc.  1.] 

"SiR  JOHN,  I  am  thy  Punchius,  and  tby 
friend  I" 

And  this  comes,  greeting. 
I  've  watched  thy  splendid  course  from  end 
to  end. 

The  years,  swift  fleeting, 
Lent  each  a  new,  bright  honour  to  a  name 

All  England 's  proud  of. 
Worthy  aspirants  to  artistic  fame 

There  is  good  crowd  of  ; 
But  our  Sir  JOHN  is  greatest  of  them  all, 

By  head  and  shoulders. 
J-hatLEiGHTON'smantleonSirJoHisrshouIdfall 

Glads  all  beholders. 


To  fifty  years  of  well-fulfilled  renown, 

And  popularity, 

This  seems  the  well-earned  guerdon  and  fit 
crown. 

The  widest  charity 
Holds  not  all  Presidents  in  Art  supreme, 

As  in  urbanity. 
But  MILLAIS'  Art  is  young  ambition's  dream ; 

His  strong-soul'd  sanity, 
And  breezy  bonhomie,  make  such  a  blend 

As  all  virility 
Yearns  to.   Consummate  artist,  cheery  friend, 

'Tis  no  servility 

To   how  before   such    manhood   and   such 
power, 

Such  fine,  frank  royalty, 
Of  nature  high,  and  genius  in  fall  flower, 

In  loving  loyalty. 


From  P.  R.  B.  to  P.  R.  A. !    That  tale 

Is  worth  the  telling ; 
But  "one   who    has   done   everything — save 

fail- 
In  all  excelling, 
Will  fill  Art's  highest  ceremonial  seat 

With  lordship  easy. 
His  speech,  than  LKJGIITON'S  less  serenely 

sweet, 

But  bright  and  breezy, 
Wins  with  its  wholesome  franknes?.    May  it 

long— 

And  clearer  ever — 
Sound  at  that  banquet-board  where  great 

and  strong,  «» 
Noble  and  clever, 
Meet  under  Art's  high  hospitable  dome. 

Most  pleasant  duty 
For   those   who,   though   they   roam,   own 

England  Home 
And  bow  to  Beauty ! 
He  whose  remains  WKKN'S   wondrous  fene 

now  coveis 

Highest  would  rank  you, 
And  cry,  with  QOWEB,  and  Punch,  and  all 

Art's  lovers, 
"  Sir  JOHN,  I  thank  you !  " 


THE  SONG  OF  THE  SULTAN. 

["  The  Turk  never  changes." — Prince  Zobano/.] 

BISMILLAH  1    All  the  Giaour  race 

Are  mutable  as  mist. 
They  know  not  the  set  Sphinxian  faoe, 

Or  the  firm  clenched  fist. 
Infidel  hogs,  false,  faithless  dogs, 

From  Moscow  to  Berlin, 
They're  shifting  as  Serbonian  b)gs. 

Unsettled  even  in  sin. 
The  opprobium  of  the  so-called  "  Powers  " 

Is  mu-ta-bil-i-ty ; 
Bat  I  'm  not  like  the  accursed  Giaours  ; 

You  '11  find  no  change  in  me! 

Sons  of  burnt  fathers,  that  is  how 

I  get  the  pull  of  them  ; 
I  of  the  imperturbable  brow, 

And  the  unruffled  phlegm. 
I  ravish,  el  ay— it  is  my  way — 

I  always  did,  and  will ; 
But  then  as  slaughterer  I  can  stay, 

I  kill-and  kill— and  kill  I 
They  know  not  their  own  minds  a  mite, 

They  cannot  long  agree ; 
But  murder  is  my  sole  delight ; 

You  '11  find  no  change  in  me  ' 

They  grunt  and  groan,  I  sit  alone, 

And  slaughter  on — by  proxy. 
Of  mercy  they  make  maudlin  moan, 

And  Christian  orthodoxy. 
But  as  they  are  of  many  minds, 

And  I  remain  of  one, 
I  give  them  promises,  mere  blinds, 

And  still  keep  up  the  fun. 
I  still  play  off  Prince  LOBANOFF 

Against  Lord  SALS-BU-KEE, 
At  all  their  shifting  schemes  I  scoff  ; 

They  '11  find  no  change  in  me  ! 

That  Russian  Prince  makes  England  wince. 

And  SALISBUBJIE,  no  doubt, 
Makes  a  wry  face,  as  at  a  quince, 

At  Russia's  cynic  flout. 
But  Russia  really  knows  me  best, 

I  do  not  change,  she  does. 
'Tis  changeless  East'gainst  changeful  West, 

I  wade  in  blood — they  buzz  I 
I  like  that  LOBANOFF  ;  although 

Were  he  but  at  my  knee, 
I  'd  have  his  head  off,  at  a  blow ; 

He  'd  find  no  change  injne  I 


A  REAL  UNION  OF  HEAIIS. — Mr.  LECKY, 
M.P.,  and  Mr.  PLTJNKETT,  M.P.,  on  the  ques- 
tion of  mercy,  which  should  not  be  distrained. 


PUNCH,    OE    THE    LONDON    CHAEIVARI.— FEBRUARY  29,  1896. 


''MONEY  NO  OBJECT! 


VULCAN.  "THIS'LL  RUN  INTO  MONEY  MA- AM!" 

BRITANNIA.  "NEVER  MIND  ABOUT  THAT  AS  LONG  AS  I  CONTINUE  TO  RULE  THE  WAVES!!" 


FEBRUARY  29,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI, 


105 


"The    Medium,' 
Telephonic  Butler. 


KERR  VOULEZ-VOUS  CHEZ  TERRY? 

THE  present  lessee  of  TEBBY'S  Theatre  is  fortunate  in  his  latest 
production,  Jedbury  Junior.  Brightly  written  is  the  dialogue,  well 
sketched  the  characters,  and  clear  the  farcical  plot  of  Jedbury  Junior, 
written  by  MADELEINE  LTTCETTE  RYLEY.  Mr.  KEBB  is  excellent  in 
it,  giving  all  the  lightheartedness  and  pathos  to 
the  character  of  young  Jedbury  that  it  requires ; 
and  this  is  equally  true  of  Miss  MATOE  MILLETT 
as  the  heroine  Dora.  There  are  two  novelties 
in  the  piece ;  one  a  character  played  by  Mr.  G. 
E.  BELLAMY,  who  makes  a  decided  hit  by 
appearing  throughout  the  piece  without  having 
a  single  word  to  say  except  just  before  the  fall 
of  the  curtain,  when  he  blurts  out  "  Hooray  1 " 
and  then,  like  "  the  brief  candle,"  is  "  heard 
no  more."  The  success  of  The  Silence  of  Dean 
Maitland  is  as  nothing  to  that  of  Mr.  Bellamy 
Glibb.  The  other  novelty  is  the  obsequious 
but  honestly  devoted  butler,  Whimper,  an  old 
family  servant,  who  acts  as  the  medium  of 
communication  between  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Jedbury 
(the  father  and  mother  of  the  hero,  well  repre- 
sented by  Mr.  BEATTCHAMP  and  Miss  EMILY 
CBOSS),  who  have  quarrelled,  and  who  only 
address  one  another  through  the  butler,  using 
him  as  if  he  were  a  telephone.  In  this  part  of 
Whimper,  Mr.  GTLBEBT  FABQUHAB  deserves 
all  praise ;  it  is  a  careful  study  of  a  quite 
possible,  though,  of  course,  eccentric  character, 
and  it  is  redeemed  from  absurdity  by  the  little  touch  of  genuine  sen- 
timent which  the  old  servant  exhibits  when  he  has  to,  in  effect,  turn 
Jedbury  Junior  out^of  Jedbury  Senior's  house.  Mr.  J.  L.  MACKAY, 
as  Major  Jfedway,  is  in  perfect  keeping  with  his  artistic  make-up. 
Mr.  ABTHUB  PLAYFAIB  tones  himself  down  to  Tom  Belldby,  and 
renders  valuable  assistance.  Is  it  an  oversight  on  the  part  of  the 
author  that  Bellaby  comes  in  hot  haste,  and  with  the  utmost 
earnestness,  to  borrow  a  fiver  of  his  friend,  but  forgets  all  about 
it  after  the  first  two  minutes  of  conversation,  and  goes  off  without 
ever  recurring  to  the  subject?  Miss  EVA  MOOBE  is  charming  as 
Nelly  Jedbury,  and  Mr.  BEECHES  hard  as  nails  in  the  character  of 
Mr.  Simpson,  the  thieving  manager  of  Jedbury  fy  Co.'s  "  Bombay 
House,"  whose  method  of  fraud  is  so  crude  and  simple  as  to  afford 
every  ground  of  hope  for  his  going  through  life,  in  a  highly  satisfac- 
tory manner,  as  a  stupid  forger  and  absolutely  transparent  swindler. 

Mr.  L.  POWEB'S  Job  is,  in  every 
way,  a  clever  and  original  per- 
formance. The  "  confidential 
valet,"  who  will  ultimately  grow 
into  a  family  butler  of  the  Whim- 
per sort.isavery old  friend  infarce 
and  comedy,  and  is  a  character 
that,  if  brought  into  a  piece,  has 
to  be  very  carefully  treated  by 
the  dramatist,  and  with  still 
greater  care  by  the  actor.  DICKENS 
hit  off  the  essentially  stagey  aspect 
of  such  a  character  when  he  made 
Mr.  Lenville  describe  the  kind  of 
part  that  Nicholas  Nickleby  had 
to  write  for  him.  The  comic  con- 
fidential servant,  and  the  irascible 
old  father,  always  ready  to  "  cut 
off  his  heir  with  a  shilling,"  are 
old  friends,  but  possible  bores. 
When  we  see  either  of  them  on  the 
stage  we  say  "  connu  !  "  But  in 
this  play,  though  thestern,  stony- 
hearted, but  subsequently  relent- 


«    L   t    *v   i  *. 

Motto  for  the  latest  edition  of  Master 
Silene    ltj,acta  non      ^,, 


ing  father,  belongs  to  the  old  school  of  irascible  parents, 
sympathetic  butler  and  the  friendly  valet  are  ancient  friends 


yet  the 
s  in  new 

aspects,  and  the  authoress  is  to  be  congratulated  on  the  exponents  of 
these  two  parts.  Jedbury  Junior  has  in  it  plenty  of  the  right  mate- 
rial for  the  achievement  of  popularity,  and  Mr.  EEBB  ought  to  do 
well  with  it  for  some  time  to  come. 


PARADOXICAL. 

(By  a  Prussian.") 
KRTJPP'S  hundred-tenners  topped  the  run, 

We  thought,  but  WILHELM'S  wiser ; 
They  're  beaten  by  the  Teu-ton  gun, — 
According  to  our  KAISEB. 

EVERYTHING  's  IN  A  NAME.— A  man  named  BLIGHT  has  just  been 
sent  to  prison  for  defrauding  the  Board  of  Agriculture. 


TO  BEATEICE. 

ON  FEBBUABY  THE  TWENTY-NINTH. 
FAIB  BEATBICE, — this  is  not  your  name,  I  know 
(I  couldn't  print  it,  sweet  one,  in  a  journal). 

Bat  that  'tis  you  whom  I  address  below, 
Perhaps  you'll  learn   from   evidence 
internal. 

Read,  then,  between  the  lines— 'tis  now  a 
year  [matters ; 

Since  last  I  rhymed  to  you  on  sundry 
You  lived  then  in  a  diffrent  hemisphere — 
A  distance  which  attachment  rather 
shatters. 

You're  back  again,  our  letters  cross  no 
more !  [playmate  "  ; 

I'm  now  promoted  to  be  "  friend  and 
Of  times  that  I  've  "  proposed  "  I  've  kept 

no  score, 

Bat  as  a  minimum  I  think  I  'd  name 
eight  I 

Well,  now  'tis  Leap  Year,  surely  'tis  your  turn 

To  take  a  hand  at  this  exhausting  pastime ; 
That  you  should  beat  my  score  I  do  not  yearn — 

You  'd  win  at  once  I    Try,  then,  the  first  and  last  time  I 
Look  in  your  calendar— next  Saturday 

You  '11  see 's  the  twenty-ninth — 'twill  not  be  reckoned 
Again  for  eight  years ;  don't,  then,  wait,  I  pray  I 

Your  question  can  be  popped  in  half  a  second ! 


COSIER  COTS. 

[Mr.  ERNEST  HART  in  The  Queen  makes  various  revolutionary  proposals 
on  "  how  to  go  to  bed."] 

TIME  for  bed.  Glad  I ' ve  followed  HABT'  s  hints.  Quite  look  forward 
to  my  comfortable  room.  Also  to  getting  there — having  provided  oil- 
stoves  in  all  passages  and  staircases.  What 's  the  good — as  HABT  says 
— of  being  warm  in  your  bedroom,  if  you  are  to  catch  cold  on  the  way  ? 

Find  I  have  to  put  out  the  oil-stoves  as  I  pass  (as  servants  have 
retired  long  ago).  Rather  a  nuisance,  this.  One  won't  expire  for 
quite  two  minutes.  What  a  draughty  corner  it 's  in,  too !  Don't 
believe  the  beast  is  out  yet.  Maker  assured  me  these  patent  centu- 
plex  kerosine  stoves  never  smelt  of  oil.  Wish  maker  could  smell 
them  now.  Chilled. 

Bedroom,  anyhow,  looking  cosy.  That  idea  of  the  "bookshelf, 
with  a  few  favourite  authors  close  to  bedside,"  admirable.  And 
HABT  quite  right  in  calling  nightgown  the  "  clothing  of  the  pri- 
meval savage,"  and  recommending  pyjamas. 

Have  got  the  "two  levers,  one  for  controlling  fire,  other  for 
controlling  light."  In  bed.  Jolly  light  from  the  electric  lamp, 
Hullo  I  What 's  it  doing  ?  Must  really  "  control "  it— seems  going 
out.  .  .  .  All  right  now.  Take  down  Guy  Mannering—hang  the 
bedstead.  HABT  says  old  bed  is  a  "  ridiculous  contrivance."  This 
one  seems  to  be  trying  to  chuck  me  out  on  to  floor  every  minute. 
Perhaps  it's  the  "movable  head-board."  . . .  Out  of  bed.  Have 
controlled  head-board.  In  again.  . . .  Odd — seem  to  have  been 
reading  for  an  hour.  How  time  does  slip  away  when  you  're  really 
enjoying  yourself  I  It's  one  o'clock  in  the  morning.  Must  finish 
this  chapter.  Ah !  Next  chapter  is  the  exciting  one — two  more. 
What 's  that  curious  scraping  noise  outside  ?  Or  is  it  downstairs  ? 
Can  it  be  burglars  ? 

My  pyjama  suit  just  the  thing,  Mr.  HABT  says,  for  "  night  alarms." 
Nuisance  to  have  to  get  up,  though.  Why  can't  there  be  a  third 
lever,  to  control  burglars  ?  Put  nose  out  of  door— by  Jove,  how  cold 
it  is !  That  dratted  oil-stove  still  smouldering—  and  smelling ! 

Noise  seems  to  have  stopped.  Still,  can't  go  to  sleep  just  yet. 
Take  down  Pickwick. . . .  Not  as  funny  as  I  used  to  think  it. ...  Two 
o'clock  I...  After  all,  isn't  use  of  a  bedrooin  to  go  to  sleep  in  P  Lie 
down ;  what  a  bore  that  one  can't  have  electric  light  half  off ;  room 
in  darkness,  except  for  gas-stove.  Suddenly  remember  to  have  heard 
that  gas-stove  left  burning  in  bedroom  sure  to  suffocate  one !  But 
if  I  turn  it  out,  where 's  the  use  of  having  it  ?  Wish  Mr.  HABT  were 
here  to  advise.  No,  on  the  whole,  glad  he  isn't.  Turn  off  gas- 
rather  heroic  of  me.  Have,  of  course,  discarded  "the  mass  of 
blankets  and  sheets  "  which  Mr.  HABT  condemns.  Not "  tucked  in  " 
at  all,  either ;  how  can  I  be,  as  that  sort  of  thing  seems  to  constitute 
"  huge  set  of  swaddling  clothes,  such  as  only  savages  now  employ  even 
for  children  P  "  The  fight  eider-down,  however,  lets  in  fearful  lot  of 
draught.  ...  Up  again,  shivering.  Three  o'clock  1  Turn  on  gas  in 
stove  again.  Lever  won't  work,  or  gas  won't  light.  Hang  HABT  ! 

4  A.M.  Just  got  a  lot  of  good  old-fashioned  blankets  and  sheets 
from  next  room.  Fearfully  chilled,  but  have  some  prospect  of  a  few 
hours'  decently  warm  sleep. 


106 


'PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  29,  1896. 


PROSPECTS    OF    THE    LEAP   YEAR    CLUB. 

["  A  '  Leap  Year  Club '  has  been  formed  by  a  number  of  young  ladies."— Daily  Graphic.] 


CONDENSED  CONFIDENCE. 

DEAREST  ETHELJNDA, — For  maucaise  plaisanterie  commend  me  to 
a  Man  in  Authority.  I  need  say  no  more.  Yon  know  the  cruel 
practical,  too  practical,  joke  played  upon  me  la?t  week,  when  all  the 
names  of  those  who  benefit  Commerce  and  Art.  and  therefore  the 
General  Public,  were  ruthlessly  excised  by  a  Hand  but  too  well 
acquainted  with  the  scissors,  and  asterisks  were  substituted  for  their 
honoured  appellations.  Again,  I  say,  cherchons  I'homme !  under 
such  circumstances,  and  when  found,  make  a  note  of  him.  He  is 
found,  he  is  noted,  and  he  will  be  yet  more  noted.  Meantime,  let 
his  pitiable  trick  recoil  on  his  own  head.  1  hereby  initiate  an 
entirely  new  Missing  Word  Competition,  viz.,  I  offer  a  prize— my 
poems,  Twitterings  of  a  Tom-Tit,  with  autograph— to  the  ready- 
witted  person  of  either  sex  who  shall  correctly  fill  in  the  spaces 
made  by  the  literary  censor  (plus  Muscovite  qu'un  Russe),  and  send 
the  result  to  Sim .'  I  was  alout  to  tell  you  of  a  lovtly  confection  of 
milk-tea  lace  and  dust-bin  crepon,  which  I  have  just  seen  at 

Madame ,  but,  no,  I  will  not  even  breathe  her  name  in  ink.  Let 

her  die  like  CHATTEBTON,  unknown  to  fame,  and  the  product  of  her 
genius  perish  with  her ;  both  struck  down  by  the  bolt  of  Him  who 
Must  be  Obeyed  I  I  have  no  heart  to  write  more,  but  here  is  a  new 
dish  of  my  own  creation.  I  call  it  Kari  au  Redacteur  impayable. 
Stew^a  calf's  brain  in  melted  butter  seasoned  with  garlic,  pimento,  and 
allspice.  Then  add  a  tablespoonful  of  curry  powder,  which  should  be 
bought  not  a  hundred  yards  from  the  upper  end  of  Bunker's  Hill 
Square.  Stir  over  a  quick  fire,  then  add  a  tumbler  of  brandy,  ditto 
of  Welsh  whiskey,  some  areca  nut  and  sliced  capsicums.  This  is  an 
excellent  night-cap.  Ever,  dear.  Your  lovinir  cousin,  KADJ. 

P.S.  I  am  sending  a  letter  to  The  Man,  marked  not  "private," 
but  "public"!  Only  wait  I 

A  ROUND-ELAY  OF  DISTRESS. 

["  Mr.  KOUHD,  M.P.,  the  famous  Eton  and  Oxford  cricketer,  has  had  his 
arm  broken  by  collision  with  a  bicyclist  in  Kensington  Palace  Gardens."] 
THIS  cricketer,  for  skill  renown'd, 

'Gainst  any  pace  would  take  his  stand ; 
But  ROUND  has,  to  his  sorrow,  found 
That  cycling  fast  is  underhand. 

SUMMABY  or  THE  NEW  MAINTENANCE  ACT.— ".All.for  Her." 


WHAT  MR.  H Y  PERHAPS  EXPECTED. 

Mr  DEAB  TiM,— With  tears  cf  j  >y  gusHng  from  my  overladen 
eyeballs,  I  hasten  to  accept  your  generous  offer  of  the  Chairmanship 
of  the  National  Party.  It  will  afford  me  the  greatest  satisfaction  to 
be  able  not  only  to  pour  tome  soothing  whiskey  into  our  somewhat 
troubled  waters,  but  also  to  heap  up  unlimited  burning  peat  on  your 
proverbially  thin  scalp.  Turning  to-day  to  a  merry-thoughtful 
newspaper,  with  which  I  know  you  are  connected,  I  find  myself 
described  (1)  as  an  unmitigated  rogue;  (2)  as  a  thief;  ('•'>,  as  a 
lickspittle  adherent  of  Dablin  Castle ;  (4)  as  a  law-abiding  landlord ; 
and  (5)  as  a  political  GCY  FAWKES,  anxious  to  blow  up  Committee 
11  wm  No.  15.  In  each  of  these  well- turned  jests,  dear  TIM,  I  recog- 
nise your  masterful  way  of  saying  what  you  did  at  mean.  'Tis  the 
old  story  of  firing  blank  cartridges  from  behind  a  hedge,  to  amuse 
the  "bhoys" — the  best,  most  loyal,  and  most  devoted  of  followers. 
Da  you  remember,  TIM,  that  character  drawn  by  either  LITER  or 
LOVEK:  the  literary  man,  who'd  praise  somebody  to-day  in  one 
paper,  so  that  he  might  abase  himself  to-morrow  in  another  ?  Faith  I 
You  might  have  served  for  the  model.  You  're  as  brimful  of  fun  as 
was  Handy  Andy.  Good  luck  to  you,  my  boy !  May  we  have  roar- 
ing times  together !  Cead  mills  failihe  ! 

Ever  yours,  affectionately,  T.  S. 

Cockawhoop  Criticism. 

WHEN  Art-criticism 's  cocky,  spleenful,  rude,  and  mulinh, 
It  may  think  it's  PENNELL-wise,  but  it  is  found  foolish. 
Donkeys  bray,  but  clever  sketohers  really  ought  to  kaow 
That — as  Mr.  MOBLBY  mentions — lions  do  not  crow ! 
Nay,  a  reasonable  rooster,  or  a  game-cook  brave, 
Would  scarce  care  to  cockadoodle  on  a  great  man's  grave. 

COMPARATIVE  MERITS. — What  collection  of  books  is  better  than  a 
Free  Library? — Why,  certainly,  the  Frere  Library,  that  once 
belonged  to  JOHN  TUDOR  FREBE,  and  which  has  been  recently  dis- 
posed of  and  disperse!  by  Messrs.  SOTHFBT  &  Co. 

MANAGERIAL  PROVEBB  AS  TO  OPEBATIC  DOVES. — You  may  go  in 
for  the  "billing"  of  the  doves  as  much  as  you  like,  but  it  is  quite 
another  thing  to  rely  upon  their  making  a  coup. 


FEBRUARY  29,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


107 


BY  SPECIAL  LICENCE. 
T-by,  the  Dog  that  Cau't  and  Won't  be  Muzzled. 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED    FROM    THE   DIARY   OF   TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Monday.  February  17. — Since  Mr.  CALDWELL 
retired  from  the  calico-printing  business  and  took  to  Imperial  politics 
he  has  suffered  some  surprises  and  survived  many  disappointments. 

Never  did  for- 
tune treat  him 
so  scurvily  as 
to-night.  Had 
remained 
through  long 
and  varied  sit- 
ting prepared 
to  discourse 
on  woes  and 
wrongs  of  crof- 
ters.  There  was 
preliminary 
misadventure, 
since  WEIR  had 
rushed  in  first 
and  put  down 
amendment  to 
Address.  He 
would  move  it ; 
but  House 
knew  member 
for  Mid-Lanark 
was  to  second 
it,  and  would 
gladly  suffer 
Boss  and  Crq- 
marty  since  it 
Ifd  up  to  such 
delight.  Along 

sitting,  full  of  inconsiderable  speeches  about  immaterial  things. 
The  case  of  the  dynamite  prisoners  restated  by  JOHN  REDMOND  ; 
ATHERLEY-JONES  on  Venezuela  ;  WEDDERBTJRN  on  Chitral.  Each 
came  on  in  turn ;  talked  of  at  length ;  shovelled  out  of  the  way : 
midnight  at  hand  before  Crofter's  Amendment  was  reached. 

With  assistance  of  pince-nez  and  tragic  tones  WEIR  floundered 
through  succession  of  incoherent  remarks.  Then  CALDWELL  rose ; 
began  to  reel  off  speech  with  smoothness  and  rapidity  of  the  engines 
calico-printing  in  the  paternal  establishment  in  far  off  Milton-on- 
Campsie.  Before  forty  yards  had  been  neatly  finished  there  was  a 
hitch  in  the  machinery.  Thought  at  first  it  was  a  pebble  from  the 
indignant  Dee  protestant  against  its  neighbourhood  being  dese- 
crated by  a  calico-printing  industry.  Turned  out  to  be  all  due  to 
PRINCE  ARTHUR.  He  had  been  in  his  place  through  night ;  had 
made  several  speeches ;  kept  watchful  eye  over  varied  course  of 
business.  Now,  at  sight  of  CALDWELL  with  bundle  of  notes  sugges- 
tive of  email  bale  of  calico  ready  for  the  printer,  he  incontinently 
fled. 

CALDWELL  gasped  for  breath :  rubbed  his  eyes ;  regarded  with 
startled  gaze  the  empty  seat.  Was  it  possible  the  Leader  of  the 
House,  having  in  near  view  prospect  of  discourse  from  him,  should 
have  left  ?  No  doubt  about  fact.  Prince  ARTHUR  had  gone,  appreci- 
ably reducing  number  of  audience.  The  LORD  ADVOCATE  moved  into 
his  place,  with  evident  intention  of  replying.  Too  much  this  for 
human  nature,  howsoe'er  trained  in  adversity.  Mastering  his 
emotion,  CALDAVELL  lifted  up  his  voice,  and  denounced  the  guiltily 
absent  Minister  who,  he  added,  in  sorrow  rather  than  in  anger,  had 
"  apparently  deputed  the  task  of  reply  to  a  junior  member  of  the 
Government."  House  so  affected  that  everyone  glad  when  midnight 
struck  a  note  of  sympathy,  and  a  veil  dropped  over  painful  scene. 

"And  they  will  have  it,"  said  SAKK  as  we  wended  our 
melancholy  way  homeward,  "that  the  Scotch  people  have  no  sense 
of  humour.  Is  there  any  other  of  the  three  nations  capable  of  the 
practical  joke  of  supplying  the  House  of  Commons  with  opportunity 
of  hearing  in  succession  JAMES  GALLOWAY  WEIR  and  JEMMY  CALD- 
WELL ?  The  humour,  I  admit,  is  subtle.  Prolongation  of  its  Hash- 
ing is  prone  to  depression.  But  there  it  is ;  superb  in  its  way,  quite 
unique.  All  that  is  required  for  perfect  success  is  capacity  of  appre- 
ciation on  the  part  of  the  audience." 
Business  done. — Still  talking  round  the  Address. 

Tuesday. — JEMMY  LOWTHER,  saddling  and  bridling  his  old  roadster 
"  Protection,"  trotted  up  and  down  the  yard  just  now.  JEMMY  rides 
well;  has  as  good  a  seat  on  horseback  as  he  had  on  judicial  bench 
when  he  presided  in  wig  and  gown  at  Jockey  Club  inquiry. 

"  Seems  to  me,"  said  JOHN  MOWBRAY,  one  of  the  few  Members  of 
the  present  House  who  knew  JEMMY  in  days  of  (Parliamentary)  sin, 
"  a  great  pity  J.  L.  cannot  take  his  seat  in  the  House  as  he  appeared 
on  that  memorable  occasion.  There  are  times  when,  contemplating 
the  decadence  of  a  country  given  up  to  Free  Trade,  his  face  takes  on 


a  look  of  awesome  gravity.  But  the  wig  and  gown  are  adjuncts  of 
inestimable  value.  JEMMY,  so  arrayed,  seated  at  the  corner  of  the 
front  bench  below  the  Gansrway  in  full  view  of  Irish  Members,  would 
have  distinctly  salutary  effect.  Of  course  it  cannot  be :  must  make 
the  best  of  him  as  he  is." 

Performance  of  to-night  not  inspiriting.  House  already  in  this, 
its  earliest,  lustiest  infancy,  oppressed  by  deadly  weight  of  Minis- 
terial majority  exceeding  three  fifties.  Irish  Members  subdivided 
till  there  seems  nothing  left  but  TIM  HEALY.  Scotch  Members  all 
gone  to  pieces ;  cannot  be  brought  up  to  the  scratch,  even  though 
CALDWELL  and  WEIR,  claymore  and  pince-nez  in  hand,  esray  to  lead 
them  on.  Welsh  Members  have  re-elected  OSBORNE  MORGAN  as 
Chairman  of  their  Parliamentary  organisation.  That  looks  blood- 
thirsty. But  to-night's  uprising  on  Education  Question  proved 
a  fiasco.  English  Liberals  chieflv  anxious  to  arrange  dinner  pairs. 
Of  the  freelances,  even  CAP'EN  TOMMY  BOWLES  beginning  to  look 
wistfully  towards  Greenwich  Hospital.  Been  making  furtive  in- 
quiries from  JOKIM  as  to  terms  of  board  and  lodgings  for  an  old 
salt  who  has  lost  an  arm  and  found  a  voice  in  the  service  of  his 
country. 

"Quite  a  hypothetical  case,  you  know,"  he  said  to  JOKIM, 
fastening  a  hook  in  his  buttonhole  ("  As  if  it  were  a  newly -developed 
orchid,"  JOKIM  said,  when  telling  the  story).  "But  suppose 
there  was  a  case  of  a  man  who  had  sailed  on  many  seas,  in- 
cluding Norfolk  Broads ;  had  boarded  more  ships  than  lie  at  this 
moment  in  the  Pool  of  London ;  had  attempted  to  teach  MUBDELLA 
navigation  when  he  was  President  of  the  Board  of  Trade  ;  had  seen 
himself  passed  over  when  allowance  of  Ministerial  grosr  was  served 
round ;  and  when  approaching  middle  age  found  himself  stranded  in 
shoal  water  in  a  dull  House  of  Commons— suppose,  I  say,  there  was 
such  a  case,  would  he  be  put  up  comfortably,  of  course  at  country's 
expense,  at  Greenwich,  there  to  spend  his  last  watch  meditating  on 
party  ingratitude  ?  " 

In  such  circumstances,  at  ten  o'clock  at  night,  when  dolorous 
Debate  on  Address  flickering  out,  JEMMY  took  his  melancholy  trot. 
Wasn't  allowed  even  to  put  up  hurdle  in  form  of  amendment. 
Managed  to  give  one  kick  out  at  the  MABKISS,  who,  amongst  o*her 
things,  has  been  saying  that  in  France,  where  Protection  reigns  in 
extremest  force,  agriculture  is  worse  off  than  iu  England.  "A  more 
unfounded  statement  never  made  by  mortal  man,"  exclaimed  JEMMY. 

"  I  might  have  put  it  shorter  than  that,"  he  said,  as  he  got  down 
and  led  the  old  horse  limping  back  to  its  loose  box  in  the  BENTINCK 
stables.  "  Might,  indeed,  have  got  it  all  in  three  words,  including 
an  nrticle.  But  they  're  so  particular  here." 

Business  done. — Address  agreed  to. 

Thursday. — RITCHIE  brought  in  Light  Railways  Bill ;  first  con- 
signment a  million  sterling  drawn  from  Imperial  Treasury  to  be 


THE  "CHRISTIAN  BROTHERS!" 
;  Messrs.  D-ll-n  and  H-ly. 

distributed  among  agricultural  parishes.  AU  the  county  Members 
rose  up  and  called  RITCHIE  blessed.  BRTCE  dissembled  his  love, 
remembering  that  when  last  year  he  brought  in  similar  measure  it 
was  kicked  down  stairs.  As  for  SQTTCRE  OF  MALWOOD,  he  smiled 
sardonically  when  he  heard  RITCHIE  describe  how  the  million  was  to 
be  dispensed  in  gifts  or  in  loans. 

"  My  million,  dear  TOBY,  or  at  least  one  of  my  many  millions. 
Do    you    remember   how,   during    the   Gordon    Riots,   the   mob 


103 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBBUAKY  29,  1896. 


streamed  down  to  the  '  Maypole  Inn '  at  Chigwell, 
tied  John  Willet,  the  landlord,  in  a  chair,  whence 
he  could,  more  or  less  comfortably,  certainly  with 
fall  command  of  the  situation,  watch  the  rascals 
helping  themselves  to  all  the  good  things  he  had 
stored  up  through  a  life  of  long  industry  P  I  don't 
mean  to  liken  Her  Majesty's  Ministers  to  a  riotous, 
looting  mob,  still  less  would  I  suggpst  that  between 
myself  and  the  landlord  of  the  '  Maypole  Inn'  is 
there  any  resemblance,  personal  or  otherwise.  Never- 
theless, as  I  sit  here  watching  RITCHIE  hand  out  a 
million  for  Light  Rail  ways;  JOKIM  preparing  to  spend 
many  millions  on  strengthening  the  Navy  ;  expecting 
soon  to  have  GOBST,  who  dearly  loves  a  parson,  forking 
out  more  millions  for  the  parsons'  schools,  I  am  able 
to  enter  into  the  feelings  of  John  Willet  with  keener 
appreciation  and  fuller  sympathy  than  when,  in  my 
mind's  eye,  I  first  saw  him  bound  in  the  chair  of  his 
once  snug  bar-parlour.  All  my  millions,  TOBY. 
Hoards  for  which  I  toiled,  rich  wtbs  I  spun. 

Sic  vos  non  vobis  fertis  aratra  bovee ; 

Sic  vos  non  vobis  mellificatis  apes  ; 

Sic  vos  non  vobis  vellera  fertis  ore  s ; 

Sic  vos  non  vobis  nidificatis  aves." 

"  Well,  you  know  what  happened  to  BATHILLUP,'' 
I  said,  moved  at  his  honest  emotion. 

"  Yes ;  but  his  discomfiture  was  sudden  and  swift. 
We'll  probably  have  to  wait  six  years  before  the 
BATHYLLTJS  -  BALFOTJB  family  are  brought  to  book; 
and  where  shall  we  all  be  then  ?" 

Business  done.— Unite  a  lot.  Ministers  bringing  in 
Bills  with  both  hands. 

Friday.  —  STANLEY  LEIGHTOIT,  The  Man  from 
Shropshire,  in  iiae  form  to-night.  Rushed  in  in 
usual  abrunt,  excited  fashion,  crying  not  "My 
Lord!  MyL>rd!"  but  "Mr.  SPEAKER!"  Ques- 
lion  was,  grant  for  Welsh  Museum.  Difficulty  is 
Wales  has  no  town  which  all  are  content  to  regard 
as  their  capital. 

"  Very  well,"  said  The  Man  from  Shropshire,  his 
logical  mind  piercingfilm  of  doubt  and  difficulty ;  "you 
have  no  capital  in  Wales.  Then  take  Shiowsbury." 

Members  rot  indisposed  to  accept  this  solution  of 
difficulty.  First  wanted  to  know  where  Shiowsbury 
is.  Whisper  went  round  that  LEIGHTON  meant  Shrews- 
bury ;  the  other  pronunciation  specimen  of  the  fine  ancient  Britain 
tongue  he  had  lauded.  Crowning  recommendation  of  Shrewsbury  is 
that  someone,  at  some  time,  had  there  been  hanged,  drawn,  and 
quartered.  What  more  could  anyone  want  in  way  of  recommenda- 
tion of  locality  for  museum  ? 


A  SHAKSPERIAN  ILLUSTRATION. 


Juliut  CcBsar  (Lord  S-l-sb-ry)  suspiciously,  to  Antony  (B-lf-r).  "Let  me  have  men  about 
me  that  are  fat,  sleek -headed  men,  and  such  as  sleep  o'  nights.  Yon  Cassius  has  a  lean  and 
hungry  look.  He  thinks  too  much,  such  men  are  dangerous  ....  Would  he  were  fatter  ! " 


The  Man  from  Shropshire  sat  down  triumphant.  Seemed  to 
be  all  settled,  when  GOBST  explained  that  he  had  no  money 
available  for  scheme.  So  something  else  will  have  to  be  done  with 
Shrewsbury. 

Business  done.— None  ;  but  much  talk. 


A  COOL  AND  COLLECTED  CALENDAR. 

(Suggested  by  the  Calm  Conduct  of  an 
Unemotional  People.) 

Monday. — Morning  papers  announce  mis- 
understanding with  U.  8.  A.  General  astonish- 
ment. Evening  journals  indignant.  Every 
Londoner  in  a  condition  of  wild  excitement. 

Tuesday. — Morning  papers  devote  leaders 
to  "the  serious  news  from  U.S.A."  Re- 
ports from  the  provinces  of  greatly  increased 
recruiting.  Evening  journals  call  for  national 
support.  Entire  British  race  (those  beyond 
the  sea  by  wire)  express  their  intention  of 
rallying  round  the  dear  old  flag. 

Wednesday. — Morning  papers  print  a  tele- 
gram "made  in  Germany."  Misunder- 
standing with  U.S.A.  entirely  forgotten  in 
the  amazement  caused  by  the  latest  outrage. 
Evening  journals  suggest  armament  en  masse. 
Proposal  received  with  delirious  delight  by 
Britons  inhabiting  both  hemispheres. 

Thursday. — Morning  papers  enlarge  on  the 
International  Insult.  Cockneys  and  proyin- 
cials  vie  with  one  another  in  examples  of  self- 
sacrifice.  The  army  should  be  recruited  with 
the  entire  pop^ation  up  to  the  age  of  eighty. 
Evening  journals  propose  increased  expen- 
diture on  the  Navy.  The  inhabitants  of  Great 
Britain  demand,  with  one  voice,  twenty  shil- 
lings in  the  pound  for  income-tax. 

Friday.— Morning  papers  give  accounts  of 
cruel  sufferings  of  an  alien  people.  Latest 
international  insult  entirely  overlooked  in 


the  clamour  for  immediatiye  mediation. 
Evening  journals  review  foreign  policy  of 
the  Government.  Universal  demand  for  the 
depatoh  of  a  couple  of  armies  and  all  the  fleet 
on  "  special  service." 

Saturday. — Morning  papers  narrate  ter- 
rible accident  abroad.  Everything  forgotten 
in  the  zeal  for  collecting  subscriptions. 
Evening  journals  give  "  latest  details."  Any 
amount  of  charitable  chatter  before  all  con- 
cerned go  home  to  enjoy  the  morrow's  rest. 


Judicious  Mixture. 

[Earl  GREY  is  to  succeed  Dr.  JIM  as  Adminis- 
trator of  the  South  African  Chartered  Company's 
territory.] 

THE  introduction  of  a  little  Grey  will  tone 
down  the  rather  Black  Look  of  South  African 
Affairs.  

WHEN  JUDGES  THEMSELVES  ABE  TBIED.— 
Daring  the  hearing  of  an  election  petition 
which  promises  to  be  still  hale  and  hearty  at 
the  beginning  of  the  next  century. 


SPOBT  MOST  APPBOPBIA.TE  TO  THE  LOCALIIY. 
—Shooting  pigeons  at  Monte  Carlo. 


A  BOBBISH  PBOVEBB. — When  the  Johannes- 
burgher  's  in  the  Wit-lander 's  out. 


A  SHOBT  "  VALE."— Aniosr,  art  ofi  ? 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

THE   BlLLIAKDIST   XX  FAMILLS. 

I  'LL  give  you  twenty  I    There !  you  make 
A  rather  lucky  fifteen  break, 

And  now  miss  cue  for  want  of  chalk. 
I  follow  on.    You  clearly  see 
That  unexpected  kiss  robb'd  me, 

And  sent  you  into  baulk. 

You  've  got  the  points  you  asked,  and  yet 
My  calculations  you  upset 

By  getting  up  to  put  me  down. 
I  don't  complain,  I  don't  rebel 
If  at  the  sport  of  "  Blanche  Chapelle" 

You  seek  to  win  renown. 

Ha  I  ha !    I  have  you  I    Quick  I  the  rest ! 
That  was  a  stroke !  the  prettiest 

Of  hazards,  giving  me  a  chance. 
And  there  again  with  certain  pride 
I  demonstrate  the  power  of  side, 

And  mace  as  in  France. 

You  're  right  I    The  middle  pockets  draw. 
See.  you  're  a  gainer  by  the  flaw  I 

Under  the  cushion  red  should  be. 
That 's  what  I  call  a  master- shot ! 
1  've  broken  down  when  on  the  spot  I 

What  ?  ninety- six  to  fifty-three  ? 

No  fluke  ?    Then  I  apologise. 

You  've  won  the  game.    A  great  surprise. 

You  're  warmer,  dear,  than  any  blister. 
I  'm  very  rude  ?    Your  temper  smother  I 
/  can't  be  Someone  Else's  brother, 

Nor  you,  alack  I  that  Someone's  sister  I 


MARCH  7,  1896. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


109 


A  NEWFRENCH  EXERCISE. 

THEY  say  (on  dit)  that 
we  shall  have  an  income- 
tax  (tax  on  incomes)  in 
France.  The  Government 
desires  the  tax.  Does  the 
people  desire  the  tax  P  The 
people  does  not  desire  it. 
The  people  remain,  but  the 
Governments  do  not  re- 
main. By  whom  was  this 
piece  of  paper  brought  to 
my  house  P  The  piece  of 
paper  was  brought  by  the 
policeman  (gendarme).  Seel 
It  contains  many  ques- 
tions .  It  appears  that  if 
1  fail  to  answer  the  ques- 
tions they  will  send  me  to 
prison.  It  is  a  veritable 
tyranny  that  they  establish ! 
Beautiful  France  is  no 
longer  a  democratic  country. 
Still,  it's  necessary  that 
we  should  all  obey  the  laws. 
Take,  my  son,  some  ink  (de 
Vencre),  some  pens,  some 
paper,  and  write  down 
what  (that  which)  I  dictate 
to  you.  Have  you  told  them 
that  the  profits  of  my  occu- 
pation of  charcutier  are 
none  at  all  P  Then  send  the 
paper  back  to  the  wretched 
Government.  What  ?  Has 
the  policeman  called  again  ? 


SPRING    BOW-WOWS. 

Leaiider.  "WHY,  TOOK  MY  STUMP,  IF  IT  AIN'T  'URO 

KNOWN  YEE,   WITH  THAT  'EKE  MUZZLE  ON  I  " 


I  SHOULD  NBVEE  'AVE 


Yes,  the  policeman  has 
called  again,  and  has 
brought  with  him  the 
gaoler,  the  prison  chaplain, 
and  the  examining  magis- 
trate. The  honour  of  such 
a  visit  is  too  unexpected. 
You  may  tell  the  gaoler, 
the  prison  chaplain,  and 
the  examining  magistrate 
that  I  am  suffering  from 
illness.  The  examining 
magistrate  is  desolated  to 
hear  it.  They  have  actually 
entered  my  room  I  My 
wife,  my  mother-in-law, 
my  grandfather,  the  cousin 
of  my  wife's  sister,  and 
my  six  children,  have  burst 
into  tears.  How  (he  is) 
polite  this  magistrate  (is) ! 
Say  then  (done)  I  am  not 
obliged  to  go  to  prison, 
or  to  pay  ?  No,  because 
parents  with  six  children 
are  exempt  from  the  tax. 
Are  all  laws  bad?  No, 
there  are  some  laws  which 
are  bad,  and  oth«r  laws 
which  are  good.  The  law 
about  large  families  and 
the  income-tax  is  a  good 
law.  Though  I  do  not  pay 
the  tax,  my  neighbours 
(voisins)  will  have  to  pay 
it.  Beautiful  France  is  a 
more  democratic  country 
than  I  thought  (it). 


TITTLEBAT   TOMKINS. 

IF  Mr.  BUCHANAN  and  Miss  JAY  had  produced  their  play  of  The 
Shopwalker  about  forty  years  ago.  with  ROBSON  in  it,  and  had 
entitled  it  Tittlebat  Titmouse,  adding  that  it  was  adapted  from 
WARBEN'S  Ten  Thousand  a  Year,  it  might  hive  achieved  success, 
had  it  not  baen  anticipated  by  PEAKE'S  drama  of  Ten  Thousand  a 

Year,  which  was  pro- 
duced at  the  Adelphi  in 
1842,  with  WEIGHT  as 
the  comic  hero  and  PAUL 
BEDFORD  as  Huckaback, 
the  friend  who  gives  him 
the  first  information  of 
his  accession  to  fortune. 
The  "  J  and  B  "  treat- 
ment of  this  old  subject 
does  not  exhibit  the  latest 
modern  dramatic  im- 
provements. It  gives 
Tittlebat  Thomas  Tit- 
mouse Tomkinsa,  mother, 
who  is  a  character  simi- 
lar to  Mrs.  Brag  in 
THODORE  HOOK'S  Jack 
Brag,  and  also  a  good, 
true  -  hearted  girl  like 
Mary  Anne  Hoggins, 
who  was  devoted  to  the 
immortal  Jeames,  created 
by  THACKEEAY.  So  that 
The  Shopwalker  is  a 


Hi,  tat  Act,  "Knee  Suit.,,"  *, 

without  any  particularly  redeeming  feature  in  the  way  of  dialogue. 

t  has  a  long  scene  or  two  that  could  be  cut  down  with  advantage  ; 
but,—  and  this  is  the  saving  clause,  —  it  is  capitally  acted  by  every- 
body in  the  cast. 

For  example,  no  one  could  be  better  than  Mr.  SYDNEY  BEOUGH  as 
the  virtuous  and  rather  'aughty  young  lover,  with  little  to  do,  and 
not  much  of  any  value  to  say  ;  and  who,  other  than  Mr.  WAEDEN,  could 

etter  represent  the  not  absolutely  colourless,  because  bilious-looking, 
but  always  aristocratic  Earl?  Miss  VICTOR,  admirable  as  Widow  Brag 

lomkins,  makes  a  brick  or  two  out  of  the  meagre  amount  of  straw 
which  falls  to  her  share.  Mr.  DAVID  JAMES,  representing  a  lawyer's 

allanous  clerk,  of  Scotch  extraction,  has  the  best  of  the  game  ;  and 
Mr.  WEEDON  GEOSSMITH,  after  he  has  made  a  good  start  in  the  earlier 


part  of  the  first  Act,  has,  for  the  remainder  of  the  piece,  up-hill  work, 
about  the  result  of  which  he  must  have  felt  rather  uncomfortable 
during  rehearsals.  However,  being  manager,  actor,  and  Shop- 
walker he  has  presumably  selected  this  play  as  "  one  of  the  best,"  if 
not  the  best  in  his  repertoire,  unless  he  has  a  surprise  for  us  up  his 
sleeve.  Miss  NINA  BOUCICAULT  is  delightful,  even  in  this  sketchy 
part  of  Mabel ;  but  'tis  a  pathetic  sight  to  witness  the  struggles  of 
Miss  MAY  PALFREY,  vainly  attempting  to  interest,  an  audience  in  the 
authors'  story  of  her  overwhelming  woes.  Mr.  VOLPE,  as  Hubbard, 
Father  Hubbard,  not  Mother  of  that  ilk,  is  as  good  as  he  can  be ; 
and  to  say  this  of  him  in  such  a  part  is  high  praise.  In  the  bill  it 
ia  described  as  "  a  new  and  original  comedy,"  which  are  epithets 
generally  difficult  to  verify  of  anything  dramatic  nowadays,  and  in 
this  instance  absolutely  impossible. 


SONG  FOR  BARON  POLLOCK. 

(Some  way  after  Sir  Charles  Sedley.) 
AIR — "Phyllis  is  my  only  Joy." 


WILLIS  does  me  much  annoy, 

Uoggedest  of  all  Q,  C.'s, 
Clients  who  his  skill  employ 
He  can  never  fail  to  please. 
If  with  a  frown, 
I  set  him  down, 
WILLIS,  smiling, 
JELF  be-riling, 
Pops  up  perkier  than  before ! 


Though,  alas  I  too  late  I  find 
Nothing  puts  him  in  a  fir  ; 
Yet  I  try  to  make  him  mind ; 
I  am  np  to  all  his  tricks ; 
Which  though  I  see 
Yet  baffle  me. 
He  affronting, 
I  low  grunting, — 
Election  cases  are  a  bore  I 


"NOM  D'UNE  PIPE  I" 
"  Quoth  Jack  Tar,  '  Blow  me  tight,  here  's  a  sip  of  my  sort ; 

Without '  paying  the  piper,'  a  pipe  full  of  port !  ", 
DESPITE  the  forensic  skill  of  Mr.  A.  G.  STEEL— perhaps  "  batter'1 
known  as  a  batter  than  a  barrister — the  proprietors  of  a  "  pipe  of 
port,"  which  had  been  shipped  from  Oporto,  and  which  on  arrival  at 
Liverpool  was  "found  practically  empty,"  were  unsuccessful  in 
obtaining  damages  against  the  shipowners.  For  there  was  no 
"  satisfactory  explanation  or  evidence"  forthcoming  as  to  the  cause 
of  the  mysterious  disappearance  of  the  "  old  tawny."  Evidently  some 
"  sucking  Nelson  "  on  the  "  port  watch  "  was  at  the  cask  during  the 
voyage,  or  else  the  "pipe"  evaporated— smoked  itself  out,  in  fact. 


STRANGE  FACT.— Sir  FEANCIS  EVANS,  who  has  just  been  returned 
for  Southampton  as  a  Separatist,  is  Chairman  of  the  Union  Company. 


VOL.  ex. 


110 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  7,  1896. 





..-• 


MARCH  7,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


ill 


Huntsman  (seeking  a  leatenfux).  "Now  THEN,  HAVE  YOU  SEEN  ANYTHING  OF  HIM?" 

Cockney  Sportsman  (immensely  pleased  with  himself).   "WELL,  BATHER  I    WHY,  I'VE  JUST  DRIVEN  HIM  INTO  THIS  DRAIN  FOR  YOU  1' 


WHEN  BAR  MEETS  BAR. 

(Entirely  New  and  Original  Suggestion  for  a 
Jf 'cures  to  beproduad  at  a  Matinte.) 

SCENE—  A  Court  of  Justice.  Judge  presiding. 
Witness  in  the  Box.  Counsel  examining 
and  cross-examining. 

Firtt  Counsel.  I  did  not  quite  catch  that 
last  answer. 

Witness,  I  said  I  drank  three  pots  of  beer. 
(Laughter.)  Yes,  I  drank  three  or  four. 
(Roars.) 

First  Counsel.  And  not  for  the  first  time, 
T  '11  be  bound.  (Renewed  laughter. ) 

Second  Counsel.  I  must  really  complain  of 
my  friend's  conduct.  I  am  surprised  at  his 
levity. 

First  Counsel.  I  will  not  be  insulted  I  You 
are  surprised  at  everything.  We  all  know 
you. 

Second  Counsel.  I  am  honoured — for  it  is 
more  than  anyone  will  say  of  you. 

First  Counsel.  My  Lord,  I  really  must  ap- 
peal to  your  Lordship.  This  is  not  the  first 
time  that  my  friend  has  grossly  affronted  me. 

Second  Counsel.  I  claim  the  protection  of 
the  Bench  also.  It  is  simply  unbearable. 
My  friend  loses  no  opportunity  of  holding  me 
up  to  contempt. 

Judge.  I  have  known  you  both  for  many 
years,  and  I  am  sure  you  are  each  of  you  in- 
capable of  harbouring  anything  other  than 
harmonious  feelings  towards  one  another. 

Witness.  You  seem  to  be  forgetting  me. 
(Laughter.)  I  shouldn't  mention  it,  only  I 
promised  to  take  my  old  woman  for  a  walk 
this  afternoon.  (Roars.) 

Judge.  You  said  you  had  taken  four  pots 
of  beer  ? 


Witness.  So  would  you  if  you  had  the 
chance.  (Laughter.) 

Judge.  It  is  fortunate  then  that  I  was  here 
— in  another  place.  (Loud  laughter.) 

Witness.  That's  a  matter  of  opinion.  I 
prefer  the  "Pig  and  Whistle,"  myself. 
(Screams.) 

First  Counsel.  You  make  a  pit?  of  yourself 
while  you  wet  your  whistle.  ( Yells.) 

Judge  (rising).  This  seems  an  appropriate 
moment  for  adjourning  until  to-morrow. 

[Curtain  falls— for  a  time — upon  the  costs. 


THE   REAL   EASTERN  QUESTION. 
(By  a  Prosaic  Sufferer  from  the  Season.) 

WHAT  WILLIAM  WATSON  calls  "  The  Purple 

East,"— 

And  why — I  know  not ;  but  in  simple  prose 
Its  wind,  that 's  neither  good  for  man  or  beast, 
Brings  that  particular  colour — to  my  nose ! 
If  the  great  bard  will  pardon  the  suggestion, 
How  to  avoid  it  is  my  Eastern  Question. 
And  he  would  do  wide  good,  depend  upon  it, 
If  he  will  teach  us  that  in  one  more  sonnet. 
Here's  "winter  lingeringin  the  lap  of  spring" ; 
And  of  the  purple  east  to  go  and  sing 
Is  most  superfluous  in  a  patriot  muse 
When  Britons  generally  nave  got  the  blues. 
How  can  one  listen  to  Armenia's  woes 
When  the  east  wind  is  tweaking  one' s  poor  nos  3  P 
And  that,  however  bards  may  chant  or  ohirple. 
Is  the  sole  way  in  which  the  east  seems  purple ! 


"  OH!  WOULD  I  WKKE  A  BARD."— Sir  EDWIN 
ABNOLD  has  gone  to  the  Canary  Isles.  No 
doubt  he  will  sing  more  like  a  bird  than  ever 
on  his  return. 


JIM  AND  JILLS. 

["  About  130  letters awaited  Dr.  JAME- 
SON. .  .  .  many  of  them  containing  offers  of 
marriage."—"  Westminster  Gazette,"  feb.  27.] 

THEY  all  run  after  Dr.  JIM, 
And  yet  they  can't  all  marry  him, 

One  Dr.  JIM  ; 

The  tall,  the  short,  the  stout,  the  slim. 
The  oldish  maidens,  somewhat  grim, 

(Poor  Dr.  JIM  I) 
The  young  ones,  sweet  and   neat  and 

trim, 
The  youthful  widows,  slyly  prim, 

(Eh,  Dr.  JIM?) 
Soft  eyes,  which  tears  make  sometimes 

dim, 
Sweet  lips,  to  charm  the  seraphim, 

(Oh  I  Dr.  JIM!) 
It  is  perhaps  a  passing  whim, 
Like  ripple  lost  on  river's  brim, 

For  Dr.  JIM  ; 

They  cannot  tear  him  limb  from  limb, 
That  each  may  have  a  piece  of  him, 

Their  Dr.  JIM. 

Better  than  Leather. 

["  The  London  police-constables  have  by  a  large 
majority  preferred  to  receive  a  money  allowance  in 
lieu  of  the  boots  hitherto  supplied  to  them."] 

SAGACIOUS  Bobby,  on  the  tramp, 

(Whatever  be  the  style  of  weather,) 
You've  learnt  on  beats  of  direful  damp 

There's  something  that  outrivals  leather. 
For  you  no  boots  of  doubtful  form, 
But  that  which  will  brave  any  storm ; 
It  compensates  for  mud  and  splash, 
And  makes  no  errand  bootless — cash  I 


112 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  7,  1896. 


THE  SENSATION  OF  THE  MOMENT. 
(A  Story  wafted  from  Berlin.) 

WHAT  was  the  matter  ?  No  one  could 
give  the  reason.  It  was  astonishing,  and 
caused  a  feeling  of  uneasiness  that  could 
ipt  he  overcome.  The  CHANCELLOB  shook 
lis  head.  So  did  the  PBEMIEB.  Then  the 

NISTEB  FOB  FOBEIGN  AFFAIBS  Confided 

iis  apprehension  to  the  MINISTER  OF  THE 
[NTEBIOB.  The  chiefs  of  the  Army  were 
.n  dire  distress  and  regretted  the  absence 
of  their  comrades  in  the  Navy.  Even  the 
sentries  walking  outside  the  portals  of  the 
palace  were  apprehensive.  What  did  it 
ill  mean?  That  was  the  question  asked 
in  whispers  in  the  editors'  rooms  and  re- 
peated in  the  class-rooms  of  the  academies. 
The  students  forgot  to  fight  their  duels, 
the  professors  to  study  philosophy.  The 
entire  population  gave  up  their  beer. 
Then  the  doctors  woke  up.  There  would 
be  certainly  work  for  them  if  the  strain 
continued.  The  public  were  unaccustomed 
to  the  situation. 

It  was  then  the  correspondent  of  a 
Foreign  newspaper  thought  it  time  to  ask 
for  further  and  better  particulars. 

He  soon  found  a  crowd  surrounding  the 
study  of  the  Inscrutable  One.  They  were 
listening  eagerly,  and  keenly  on  the  watch. 

11  What  is  it  all  about  ?  '*  asked  the  re- 
presentative of  the  Press. 

Then  came  the  reply  which  explained 
everything. 

"The  KAISEB  has  kept  quiet  without 
doing  anything  startling  for  the  last  five 
minutes !  " 


MR.  PUNCH'S  PLAYING  CARD?. 


No.  I. — THK  J-M-S-N-RH-D-S  COMBINATION. 


ON  THE  CARPET  (TURKISH). 
(To  the  Editor  of  Punch.) 

DEA.B  SER,— As  I  havenothing  verymuch 
to  do  just  now,  and  have  some  note-paper 
on  the  desk  before  me,  it  has  occurred  to 
me  to  make  you  a  proposal.  As  you  know, 
I  have  been  writing  letters  broadcast.  ! 
prefer  stamps  to  post-cards,  and  in  this 
respect  differ  from  that  "  unspeakable  " 
but  right  hon.  gentleman  Mr.  GLADSTONE. 
I  differ  from  him  in  other  respects,  but 
that  is  a  matter  of  detail. 

Now,  it  has  occurred  to  me  that  many 
of  your  cartoons  and  articles  are  very  un- 
satisfactory—from my  point  of  view.  The 
result  is  that  your  admirable  paper  has  no 
sale  in  my  country.  You  may  suggest 
that  the  cause  of  this  failure  in  circulation 
is  attributable  to  the  fact  that  it  is  not 
allowed  to  cross  the  frontier.  Very  likely 
you  are  right,  so  I  beg  you  to  "regularise" 
the  situation.  This  could  be  easily  done. 
All  I  would  ask  is  that  you  should  vacate 
your  chair,  and  allow  me  to  take  your 
place.  Then  I  should  be  able  to  do  some- 
thing for  you.  It  would  be  simplicity 
itself,  especially  on  your  side.  You  see 
from  this  suggestion  that  I  am  a  bit  of  a 
wag  myself. 

But  let  us  be  serious  and  business-like. 
I  make  the  concrete  proposal  that  I  should 
become  your  Editor. 

Pray  accept  my  distinguished  considera- 
tion, and  believe  me  (if  you  can)  to  be 
Your  greatly  maligned  model, 

THE  SULTAN; 


CABBY;  OR,  REMINISCENCES  OF  THE  RANK  AND  THE  ROAD. 

No.  XIY.—  By  "  Hansom  Jack." 

["  Gentleman  Joe's  invitation  to  his  brethren  to  be  present  at  the  cabmen's 
matinee  at  the  Prince  of  Wales'*  is  nothing  if  not  thorough.  Not  'fellow- 
cabbies  '  merely,  but  '  their  wires  and  babies  '  also,  are  invited  to  celebrate 
Gentleman  Jee's  first  birthday."  —  Daily  News.} 


Jos  is  —  a  gentleman  I    Yes,  and  I  reckon  and  guess, 

though  we  ain't  toffs  or  bankers, 
There  's  more  o'  that  sort  to  be  found,  if  they  're  sought,  amongst 

wot  I  may  call  London's  "  Gentleman  Rankers." 
Grammar  and  gab  don't  make  gents  on  a  cab  any  more  than  they  do 

in  a  ball-room  or  pulpit  ;  [day  'e  '11  'ave  a  rare  full  pit. 

But  Gentleman  Joe  is  a  gent,  and  I  '11  bet  that  upon  'is  first  birth- 

I  know  some  dirty  pertaters,  I  do,  who  disgrace  a  cab-rank  as  they 
would  church  or  chapeL  [Mother  Eve  picked  that  apple. 

Guess  the  Old  Sarpent  'as  'ad  'is  fair  pick,  'igh  and  low,  ever  since 

We've  got  our  JABEZ  BALJOUBSES  and  PIGGOTS,  our  fiddlers  and 
diddlers,  our  crawlers  and  cadges. 

But  wot  price  outsiders,  wherever  their  pitch,  under  scarlet  and 
epplets,  or  drab  capes  and  badges  ? 

Lent  's  on,  a  slack  time,  but  the  weather  is  prime,  and  the  winter's 

bin  wonderful  open  and  easy, 
No  fog  and  no  snow,  not  worth  mentioning,  —  no,  but  east-winds 

always  make  me  feel  snappy  and  sneezy  ; 
And  similarly  with  my  betters,  I  s'poee  ;  leastways  fares  about  now 

run  most  orkud  and  nippy  ; 
They  shuts  down  the  glass,  and  they  shuts  up  their  pockets,  and  tells 

me,  'most  'arsh,  to  shut  up,  and  look  slippy. 

The  pennorth  o'  voilets  tied  on  to  my  whip,  as  the  first  sign  o' 

spring  all-a-blowing-a-growing, 
Don't  melt  'em  a  mossel.    Wot  price  button  'olerg  when  in  your  left 

ear  a  nor'-easter  's  a-blowing  ? 
Nobs  with  numb  fingers  don't  drop  on  odd  tanners  when  fumblin' 

with  thick  fur-topped  gloves  in  a  pocket. 
Rayther  long  shillinM  "  said  insinivating-like,  don't  nail  'em  now  ; 

they  are  off  like  a  rocket  ! 

On  togs  and  on  temper  our  climate  will  tell.    JUMPY  JIM,  a  four- 

wheeler  of  thirty-year  sarvice  — 
'Ardly  anyone  knows  the  full  cut  of  'is  nb,  any  more  than  they  do 

tb  at  '  is  right  r  ame  is  JABVIS  — 
Looks  just  a  big  pile  of  assorted  Ole  Clo',  ready  packed  for  the  rag- 

man  and  buyer  of  lumber.  [and  wrops  without  number. 

All  you  see  is  the  top  of  a  mulberry  nose  'twixt  a  shiny  sou'  -wester 


" '  Spring,  Spring,  bae-yutif  ul  Spring  I ' "  pipes  JUMPY,  'is  voice  like  a 

feller  saw-rasping ; 

Wish  rhymy  mugs  could  try  spring  on  my  box  with  old  Jenny 
a-whetze  like  'er  marster  a- gar  aping. 

Potry 's  like  parsons,  all  flowery-ware,  and  no  square  solid  facks  as 
a  oove  can  freeze  on  to. 

Me  go  see  Gentleman  Joe  1    Twig  thes3  togs!    There  wos  gentle- 
men, onst ;  /  dnnno  where  they  're  gone  to. 

"  You 're  f  and  of  the  flowery  in  gab  or  in  garden-stuff,  sing-song 

and  patter,  or  smart  button-'oler. 
Flower's  won't  feed  yer,  JACK.    Give  me  good  cabbage.    It 's  all 

iky  sniff  wiv  smart  slops  and  brown  bowler, 
So  trot  to  yer  Prince  o'   Wyles  mattynay,  JACK,  and  see  snide 

ABTHUB  ROBEBTS  a-doin'  the  dandy,  [baccy  and  brandy." 

I  'd  rather  tuck  my  old  duds  on  a  settle,  and  dj  a  nice  skulk  over 

Ah,  poor  old  JUMPY,  Vs  gone  a  bit  balmy  with  troubles  and  tippling. 

'E 's  arf  off  'is  crumpet,  [like  'is  style  you  can  lump  it. 

And  if  you  remonsterate  friendly  like,  snubs  you,  and  sez  if  you  don't 
"  Rum 's  my  religion  and  baccy 's  my  Bible,"  'e  sneers,  "and  they 

don't  ask  no  pew  rents  at  my  church. 
Saoks  and  dry  stror  is  old  JEM'S  Sunday-best,  and  in  them  no  one 

wants  'im  at  low  church  or  'igh  church. 
"Drav  a  old  miwy  to  chapel  larst  Sunday,  two  mile  and  ten  yard, 

and  she  tipped  me— a  shillin  I  [degryded  old  willin, 

Arsked  'er  for  jisttwo  *d'  more,  for  atoto'  rum  'ot,  and  she  sez, '  You 
You  dirty  old  drunkard,  'ow  dare  you  ?    On  Sunday,  too,  when  we 

should  all  go  to  church.'    If  /do  mum, 
I  Btz,  most  respekful,  you'll  find  me  a  seat  nigh  to  you,  I've  no 

doubt ;  but  then,  who  will  drive  you,  mum  ? 
"  She  sniffed  and  flounced  in,  leaving  me  all-a-shiver  houtside. 

Now  old  JUMPY  is  jest  a  mite  dingy; 
But  she,  in  'er  warm  silks  and  furs,  on  the  Sabbath,  must  treat  a 

poor  sinner,  like  me,  mean  and  stingy, 
And  fly  in  a  tantrum  acos  I  were  thusty  and  chilled.    Now,  I  arsk 

yer,  wot  sort  of  a  sperit 
Wos  she  in  for  wurshup?    If  that's   Sund ay-best- go-to-meetm , 

I  '11  stick  to  my  pub— and  prefer  it ! " 
Wot  could  I  say?    "Fellow-cabbies"  sometimes  is  not  Gentleman 

Joes,  but  a  tidy  ways  off  it.  [tried,  with  a  good  deal  o'  profit. 
Still,  ABTHUB'S  plan,  class  to  class,  man  to  man,  might  be  of  tener 
Swish .'  There,  by  Jove,  go  my  voilets  a  flying  I  Picked  up  by  a 

grub  of  a  gal  too,  Flash  JENNY  I 
She 's  pinning  them  into  'er  shabby  old  shawl,  with  a  smile  I    Well, 

all  right,  I  don't  grudge  'er  that  penny  I 


MARCH  7,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


113 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

A  COWARD  CYCLIST  TO  HIS  COMPANION 
IN  ELOPEMENT. 

MY  nimble  steed  gives  gallant  stride, 

Your  Safety  'a  fresh  and  oiled : 
For  love  and  liberty  we  ride, 

With  courage  never  foiled ; 
Within  my  pocket  lies  the  brief, 

Episcopally  sealed, 
That  makes  our  hope,  a  firm  belief 

In  Paradise  revealed. 

Mark !  how  we  send  along  the'track 

With  unabated  dash ! 
What  matter  if  the  night  be  black  ?— 

It  shows  the  lantern  s  flash ! 
What  matter  if  the  wind  be  cold  ? — 

It  only  warms  my  heart. 
See  1    By  that  milestone  we  are  told 

We  have  a  ten- mile  start  I 

Your  father  is  a  grave  J.  P., 

And  rules  with  iron  sway ; 
Your  uncle  is  a  grim  C.  C. — ' 

They  shall  not  stop  our  way ! 
They  may  not  catch  the  fleetestUpair 

That  ever  "  bikes  "  bestrode. 
I.'d  like  to  know  the  man  who  'd  dare 

Dispute  our  right  of  road  ! 

Ha  I    Ha !     The  wheels   are   whirling 
round! 

The  goal 's  no  longer  far  I 
Ha !    Ha !    The  end  will  soon  be  found;! 

I  laugh  like  Lochinvar  ! 
What  ho  ?    A  locomotor's  sound ! 

Your  father's  latest  fad  ? 
Together  we  must  not  be  found. 

Farewell  to  you  and  dad ! 

Too  bad !    'Tis  sad ! 
Did  you  say  "cad"? 
Well,  still  I  must  to  treadles  trust. 
Farewell  to  you  and  dad  1 


BY  THE  BEACH. 
I. 

Oira  winter  season  at  Little  Puddleton  (per- 
fect southern  climate)  is  in  full  swing.  The 
JONESES  are  down  from  Balham,  the  SMITHS 
from  Tooting,  the  other  SMITHS  from  Bays- 
water,  and  the  ROBINSONS  from  Walham 
Green.  The  SMITHS  know  the  other  SMITHS, 
and  the  JONESES,  too :  in  fact,  young  SMITH 
is  said  to  be  rather  gone  on  the  eldest  JONES 
girl,  and  the  two  have  been  noticed  more 
than  once  in  the  moonlight  (lovely  moonlight 
nights  here,  not  a  bit  cold),  whispering  sweet 
nothings  on  the  pier.  The  JONESES  are  a 
numerous  family.  When  fresh  visitors  arrive 
at  Little  Puddleton,  the  first  thing  they  do 
is  to  try  to  count  them.  Estimates  vary, 
and  old  friends  have  been  known  to  quarrel 
over  _  their  results,  but  on  one  point  all  agree 
— it  is  a  perfect  marvel  how  all  those  children 
can  be  packed  away  at  night  into  those  poky 
little  lodgings. 

Ma  JONES  is  a  large,  worried-looking  lady, 
who  is  always  forgetting  something.  Gener- 
ally it  is  the  dinner.  On  these  occasions  there 
is  a  rush  to  the  confectioner's,  and  the  family 
dine  immoderately  on  puffs  and  pastry.  After 
that  come  the  bilious  attacks,  and  ADA,  the 
eldest,  spends  the  night  administering  pills. 

Pa  JONES,  for  the  most  part,  takes  matters 
quietly.  At  times,  however,  and  without  any 
apparent  cause,  he  bursts  into  a  spasm  of 
excitement ;  and  ever  and  anon,  when  you 
least  expect  it,  his  agonised  voice  is  heard — 
"  GEORGE  I  GEORGE  I  Do  not  climb  on  that 
bathing-machine,  Sir!  I've  seen  so  many 
bad  accidents  happen  I — HARRY  I  HARRY  ! 
Come  down  from  that  breakwater!  That's 


Johnny  (who  has  to  face  a  lad  Monday,  to  Manager  at  Messrs,  R-thsch-ld's).    "  AH  1  I — WANT 

TO — AH  1  — SKK  YOTT  ABOUT  AN   OvBRDRAFT." 

Manager.  "How  MUCH  DO  YOXT  REQUIRE?" 
Johnny.  "An! — HOW  MUCH  HAVE  YOU  GOT!" 


just  the  way  people  get  drowned,  you  block- 
head!" 

Young  SMITH,  ADA'S  young  man,  is  a  very 
beautiful  creature.  He  wears  a  blue  serge 
suit  with  brass  buttons,  a  yachting  hat,  and 
a  telescope.  On  very  calm  days  he  sometimes 
takes  a  shilling  sail  in  The  Sunbeam :  on 
other  occasions  he  paces  the  pier,  or  looks 
through  his  glass  at  a  herring-boat  and  asks 
the  coastguard  what  he  makes  of  her.  If  no 
sail  be  in  sight  he  turns  his  telescope  upon 
the  Parade  and  criticises  the  girls.  "  Taut 
little  craft,  that,  by  Jove I  beating  up  for  the 
shelter,  but  don't  much  like  the  look  of  the 
hulk  lumbering  in  her  wake.  Phew !  saucy 
little  barque  scudding  down  there!  Half  a 
mind  to  run  alongside  and  board  her.  And 
that 's  her  consort,  flying  the  blue  blouse  I 
A  regular  clipper,  bejove  I  " 

ADA  thinks  him  not  only  very  beautiful  but 
astoundingly  clever.  She  admires  him  im- 
mensely ;  not,  however,  so  much  as  he  admires 
himself.  He  has  proved  a  perfect  gold  mine 
to  the  beach  photographer :  he  has  been  taken 
over  and  over  again :  sighting  a  sail  through 
the  telescope ;  with  the  telescope  under  his, 
arm ;  with  the  telescope  extended ;  with  the 
telescope  shut  up ;  with  the  telescope  stand- 
ing in  the  foreground ;  with  the  telescope  lying 
at  his  side— in  short,  with  the  telescope  in 
every  pose  into  which  the  beach  photographer 
could  persuade  it. 

And  once,  to  ADA'S  great  delight,  young 
SMITH  invited  her  to  be  taken  with  him.  It 
was  quite  an  event  on  the  beach,  and  all 
Little  Puddleton  crowded  round  to  see.  They 
made  a  charming  group;  the  photographer 
himself  said  so,  and  who  should  know  so 


well  as  he  ?  ADA.  is  standing  with  her  back 
against  The  Sunbeam ;  young  SMITH  is  bend- 
ing over  and  explaining  the  uses  of  the  tele- 
scope which  he  nolds  out  for  her  inspection. 
ADA'S  head  is  thrown  back  as  she  looks  at 
her  lover:  her  lips  are  parted  in  a  happy 
smile,  and  she  listens  to  the  words  of  wisdom 
with  wonder  and  interest.  Altogether  a  beau- 
tiful picture.  "  He  looks  so  noble  I "  thinks 
ADA  ;  and  the  photographer  hands  it  round 
amongst  the  spectators  as  a  triumph  of  his 
art.  "It  oughter  'ave  a  frime.  Mister," 
says  he.  "A  pink  piper  mount  don't  do  it 
no  justice,  yer  see."  A  frame  let  it  have," 
replies  young  SMITH,  with  a  lordly  wave  of 
the  hand.  The  crowd  applaud.  "Ah!" 
cried  the  photographer,  "  them 's  the  sort  for 
me  I  Gimme  a  free  'and  like  that  and  I  '11 
show  yer  what  Hart  kin  do ! " 

It  is  very  beautiful.  ADA  agrees  with  the 
photographer,  and  even  young  SMITH  admits 
that  it  is  not  half  bad,  by  Jove!  "  You'd 
better  keep  it,"  he  adds,  in  an  off-hand  way. 
as  if  it  were  a  mere  nothing.  ".May  IP"' 
says  ADA,  blushing  with  delight.  May  1 
really  have  it  ?  "  ADA  is  radiant  all  that  day ; 
she  cherishes  the  tin-type  in  her  bosom,  and 
I  fancy  you  would  be  pretty  safe  in  making 
a  bet  that  when  she  retires  to  rest  at  night  she 
dreams  with  it  under  her  pillow. 

RECEPTION  OF  THE  PRINCE  AT  BRISHTON 
BY  ITS  TWO  REPRESENTATIVE  NOBLEMEN. — 
The  Chain  Peer,  in  full  armour,  and  the 
West  Peer,  in  his  best  west  coat,  were,  of 
course,  among  the  first  to  welcome  H.li.H. 
to  Brighton. 


114 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  7,  1896. 


WHAT   OUR    POET   (THE    NEWLY-MARRIED   ONE)    HAS   TO    PUT    UP   WITH. 

"I'VE  JUST  RECEIVED  TBE  PROOFS  OF  MY  COLMCTBD  POEMS,  DEAREST.  Sit  DOWN  IN  THE  ARMCHAIR,  AND  MAKE  YOURSELF 
THOROUGHLY  COMrORFABLK,  AND  1  *LL  READ  THEM  TO  YOU.'' 

"OH1  THAT  WILL  BE  DELIGHTFUL;  DARLING  1  ONLY,  TOU  SIT  IN  THE  ARMCHAIR,  AND  I  *LL  SIT  ON  THIS  LITTLE  WOODEN  SlOOL 
WITHOUT  A  BACK  TO  IT— LEST  I  SHOULD  SUDDENLY  FEEL  SLEEPY,  YOU  KHOW." 


ROUNDABOUT   READINGS. 

OLD  SERVANTS, 

IF  I  ever  ttart  a  hobby— and  a  hobby-less  old  age  would  seem  to 
offer  a  melincholy  prospect— I  think  1  shall  set  up  as  a  collector  of 
old  servants.  _  Old  servants  -the  genuine  variety,  1  mean— are  rare, 
and  rarity  is  in  the  collector's  eyes  the  highest  recommendation.  In 
the  feverish  hurry  of  modern  existence  there  is  apparently  no  room 
for  the  servant  who  is  not  merely  old  in  years,  but  old  also  in  regard 
to  the  period  of  sarvice  during  which  he  has  been  attached  to  one 
family.  Here  ani  there,  for  the  most  part  in  quiet  country  places, 
specimens  are  still  to  be  found.  They  are  easily  recognisable.  The 
skilled  collector  cannot  be  deceived  as  to  a  Chippendale  table,  a  piece 
of  old  Leeds  pottery,  or  a  Stradivarins  violin.  Similarly,  I  shall  lay 
my  hands  unerringly  on  the  old  servant  wherever  I  hud  him,  and 
ehall  employ  all  the  diabolical  cunning  and  persistency  of  enthusiasts 
in  the  eif  -at  to  gain  possession  of  my  specimen  and  add  him  (or  her) 
to  my  album  or  my  gallery. 

I  AM  occasionally  privileged  to  hear  from  a  lady  of  my  acquaint- 
ance about  her  maid,  a  real  old  servant  if  ever  there  was  one.  Far 
back  in  the  mists  of  a  remote  antiquity  are  concealed  the  beginnings 
of  her  service.  Originally,  I  incline  to  believe,  she  was  a  nurse- 
maid. She  then  passed  into  the  housemaid's  department,  continued 
as  a  parlour-maid,  and  then  married.  After  a  snort  spell  of  married 
happiness  her  husband  died,  and  eh 9  returned  to  her  ancient 
service,  under  the  name  of  Mrs.  WATSON,  in  the  capacity  of  lady's 
maid.  Ten  years  passed  and  she  married  again,  her  second  husband 
being  a  Pole  named  BOBBINSKY.  He,  too,  went  the  way  of  all  Poles, 
and  she  returned  again— this  time,  as  it  appears,  for  good  and  all— 
and  now  remains  in  unquestioned  authority  in  the  establishment  of 
her  old  mistress.  For  some  reason  the  second  marriage  is  ignored ; 
and  although  she  has  every  right  to  be  called  Mrs.  BOBRINSKY,  she 
is  never  addressed  as  anything  but  Mrs.  WATSON,  or  WATSON  for 
short. 

«/  WATSOIT'"  write!  my  friend,  "is  a  great  stand-by  and  help  i a 

e  home,  and  is  sewing  and  cutting  out  and  planning  to  her  heart's 

content.    I  wish  you  could  have  heard  her  remarks  this  morning 

about  BOBRLNSKY'B  funeral,  and  undertakers  in  general.    I  must  try 


and  remember  some  of  them  for  you.  Time,  8.30  A.M.  S  3ene,  my  bed- 
room. I  am  in  bed,  taking  breakfast.  WATSON  is  seated  at  the 
bottom  of  the  bed  taking  hers.  We  have  it  together,  so  that  she  cm 
wield  the  tea-pot  and  help  generally ;  and  you  will  quite  understand 
that,  in  order  to  show  a  proper  respect,  she  takes  hers  on  the  most 
uncomfortable  seat  and  in  the  most  uncomfortable  way  ingenuity  can 
devise.  I  happened  to  be  reading  something  out  of  the  morning 
paper  about  a  funeral.  

"  WATSON,  interrupting, '  Lor  I  I  wouldn't  'ave  married  a  under- 
taker for  all  you  could  a*  given  me.  No,  not  if  'is  'air  was  'ung 
with  di'monds,  I  wouldn't.  I've  'ad  enough  of  'em ;  first  when 
the  little  un  went,  and  the  silly  bit  of  poetry  printed  on  the  memorial 
card,  pore  little  dear,  about  setting  on  is  father's  knee  no  more,  and 
'im  over  seven  and  never  'ad  set  on  'is  father's  knee  since  'e  was 
three.'  '  But  who  wrote  the  verses,  WAISON  ? '  I  ventured  to  remark. 
WATSON  :  *  Why,  of  course,  the  undertaker,  'e  'ad  'em  done  by  some 
cheap  poet.  There's  lots  of  'em  always  ready  for  a  ob  and  they  was 
all  the  same  for  all  the  children  in  pur  district,  so  stupid,  but 
BOBRINSKY  bein'  a  foreigner  and  knowin'  no  better, 'e  rather  liked 
them,  and  'im  and  me  'ad  a  few  words  over  it.  But  no  more  of 
them  verses  for  me,  said  I,  and  when  BOBRINSKY  went,  I  told  'em, 
just  a  Plain— as  plain  as  could  be ! ' 

11 '  THEY  said  they  should  advise  feathers  as  more  respectful,  and 
would  only  rise  it  up  to  thirty  shillings  more,  but  I  told  'em  I  wouldn't 
'ave  a  feather,  not  one,  as  I  knoo  BOBRINSKY  would  'ate  them  plooms 
a  noddin'  over  'is  'ead.  A  plain  urse  and  one,  said  I,  is  all  I  want. 
But  all  the  same  it  came  in  eleven  pound  six,  and  my  brother,  'e  got 
ELLEN,  'is  wife  done  for  six  pound  ten.  That  shows  you  'ow  they  '11 
take  a  single  woman  in.  I  'ad  nobody  to  'elp  me  about  it  all,  but  my 
brother  'e  made  a  bargain  about  ELLEN,  and  got  'er  done  at  trade 
price,  bein'  in  trade  'isself,  you  see,  penny  ices  and  periodicals,  but 
still  pays  'is  way.  She  was  a  great  trouble  to  my  brother,  was 
ELLEN,  and  a  good  job  too  when  she  went,  which  of  course  ehe  was 
paralyzed  in  'er  chair  and  used  to  gibber  at  'im  when  'e  asked  'er  a 
question.  But  them  undertakers,  lor',  I  'ave  a  'orror  of  'em— a 
swindling  lot  1 '"  If  any  more  examples  of  Mrs.  WATSON'S  wisdom 
should  happen  to  come  in  my  way  I  will  not  fail  to  make  them 
known  to  my  readers,  and  on  the  general  subject  of  old  servants 
there  may  be  much  more  to  be  said  on  another  occasion. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— MARCH  7,  1896. 


s 


TWO  OF  A  TRADE. 


FIBST  H.Ktf>$u.AX  (exhibiting  his  "  Parliamentary  Guillotine"  invention).  "  WELL—  WHAT  DO  YOU  THINK  OF  IT?" 
SECOND  HEADSMAN  (meditatively}.  "  UM—  YES  -I   CAN  CONCEIVE  A  SITUATION  WHEN  IT  MIGHT  BE  EXTREMELY 
USEFUL  !  " 


MARCH  7,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


117 


THE    MARCH    OF   SCIENCE. 

INTERESTING  RESULT  ATTAINED,  WITS  AID  OF  RONTGEN  RAYS, 
BY  A  FIRST-FLOOR  LODGER  WHEN  PHOTOGRAPHING  HIS  SITTING- 
BOOM  DOOR. 


AT  SCHOOL. 

["  The  German  EMPEROR  is  having  a  telephone  put  up  between  Berlin, 
Potsdam,  and  Ploen,  so  that  he  and  the  EMPRESS  will  be  able  to  talk  to 
heir  sons  when  they  are  away  from  them  at  school." — Sunday  Times."] 

SCENE  —  Ploen.     Professor   and  young   princes   reading  VIBGIL, 
"^Eneid,"  Book  V.t  line  47. 

Crown-Prince  (construing).  ..."  bones  of  my  divine  father " 

[Telephone. 

Emperor.  Well,  boys,  what  are  you  doing  this  morning  ? 

(Jr own- Prince.  Going  to  do  the  boat-race.    Rare  sport  I 

Emperor.  Boat-race,  indeed  I  I  won't  have  any  01 your  nonsense. 
You  know  perfectly  well  that  it  doesn't  come  off  till  March  28.  By 
the  way,  I  must  not  forget  that  telegram  to  the  Oxford  crew  if  1hey 
win ;  and  1  won't  have  you  going  to  boat-races  when  you  should  be 
at  your  studies.  Do  you  hear  me  ? 

Crown-Prince.  All  right,  Sir.    But  it 's  the  boat-race  in  VIBGIL, 

don't  you  know.    Trojan  regatta  and  sports  in  Sicily 

[EMPEROR  retires  from  telephone.     Construing  proceeds.    Pre- 
sently bell  rings  again. 

Emperor.  Are  you  there  ? 

Crown-Prince.  "  Salve,  sancte  parens,  iterum  1 " 

Emperor.  Himmel,  I  will  not  endure  ihese  impertinences.  If 
your  professors  cannot  check  your  flippancy,  I  will  have  them  all 
proceeded  against  forthwith  for  lese-mafeste.  Acquaint  them  with 
my  resolve. 

Crown-Prince.  It's  all  right,  Sir.  Comes  in  the  text,  line  80. 
Look  it  out  for  yourself  and  you  '11  see. 

Emperor.  Oh,  very  well.  That 's  different,  but  don't  let  it  occur 
again.  I  was  going  to  say  that  to-day,  being  the  anniversary  of 
the  battle  of  Donnerwetterenburg,  you  would  do  well  to  address  a 
rmtriotic  speech  to  local  recruits.  If  no  recruits,  raise  a  regiment 
instantly. 

Crown-Prince.  Right  you  are.  I  know.  Regis  voluntas  suprema 
lex,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing.  Getting  on  nicely  with  my  Latin, 
you  see.  [Lesson  proceeds  for  a  few  minutes.  Telephone  bell. 


Empress.  Are  you  there,  eitel  FBITZ  ?  Did  you  take  your  proper 
dose  of  tonic  after  breakfast  this  morning  ? 

Second  Prince.  Oh  yes,  rather  I  Three  doses.  (Aside,  to  Pro- 
fessor and  Crown-Prince.)  Bother  that  telephone. 

Empress.  Are  you  sure  that  you  have  on  your  extra  warm  woollen 
underclothing  P 

Second  Prince.  Should  think  I  had,  and  two  pairs  of  socks  I 

Empress.  Good  boy ! 
[More  VIBGIL.     Most  exciting  part  of  race  interrupted  by 
telephone. 

Emperor.  I  forgot  to  say  that  I  wish  you,  when  addressing  the 
recruits,  to  wear  your  uniform  as  Honorary  Colonel  of  the  Royal  and 
Imperial  Corps  of  Express  District  Bicycle-Messengers. 

Crown-Prince.  I  won't  forget.  But  I  really  must  have  some  new 
uniforms  soon.  The  people  here  know  all  mine  by  heart  now. 

Emperor.  I  will  at  once  design  you  half  a  dozen  or  so  myself.  By 
the  way,  don't  forget  to  say  something  about  the  Navy.  We  must 
have  a  German  Navy  three  times  as  powerful  as  the  combined 
fleets  of 

Professor  (reading  aloud  from  text).  "Quamquam  ol  sed  su- 
perent  quibus  hoc,  Neptune,  dedisti  1 " 

Crown-Prince.  Very  well,  1  '11  remember.  But  we  really  must 
get  on  with  the  YIBGIL  now.  Just  got  to  a  good  part. 

Emperor.  Your  love  of  study  is  gratifying  to  me;  but  do  not 
forget  that  I  expect  you  to  also  include  swimming,  fencing,  bicycling, 
boxing,  football  and  cricket,  tkating  and  tennis,  rowing,  yachting, 
hockey  and  chess  in  your  daily  curriculum. 

Crown-Prince.  Oh,  do  shut  up !  (Leaves  telephone.)  I  say,  Pro- 
fessor, look  here  I  This  telephone 's  a  beastly  nuisance,  don't  you 
know.  What  do  you  say,  FBITZ,  eh  ?  I  vote  we  go  and  cut  the 
wire  I  [  Unanimous  adjournment  for  that  purpose. 

CUCKOO ! 

["The  cuckoo  has  been  distinctly  heard  in  the  neighbourhood  of  Hat- 
field."—  Daily  Press.} 

IN  the  neighbourhood  of  Hatfield  now  the  cuckoo  has  been  heard, 
Which  establishes  a  record  for  this  very  early  bird  : 
Yet  the  sceptics  are  declaring  that  the  statement  is  absurd, 

And  a  "  cuckoo"  I 

Once  we  thought  the  bird  o'  freedom— that 's  the  eagle  swift  of  flight— 
With  his  talons  and  his  beak  against  the  lion  wished  to  fight ; 
But  'twas  found  to  be  another  fowl,  yclept  the  Jingo  Kite, 

Or  the  "  cuckoo." 

If  a  ruler  is  as  restless  as  the  blatant  Kaiser  BILL, 
With  his  telegrams  and  twaddle,  with  his  paiutiag-brush  and  quill, 
Wiser  folks  can  only  smile  and  say,  "  Poor  thing,  it  can't  keep  still. 

cuckoo ! " 


Now,  behold,  the  bard  official  twangs  his  lute  both  loud  and  long, 
But  the  instrument  is  crack'd,  or  else  the  strings  have  gone  all  wrong : 
For  'tis  positive  that  ev'ryone  would  rather  hear  the  song 

Of  a  cucko?.. 

When  the  bobby  on  his  beat  in  wintry  night  'mid  storm  and  hail 
Halts  and  turns  his  searching  bull's-eye  light  below  the  area  rail, 
It  is  NOT  to  brave  the  burglar,  but  to  get  a  glass  of  ale 

From  the  cook-oo. 

In  the  Arctic  Expedition  NANSEN  bold,  with  trusty  band, 
By  dif  covering  the  Pole  has  glory  shed  upon  his  land  ; 
And  the  voice  he  heard  the  very  first — "  from  telegrams  to  hand  "— 

Was  the  cuckoo ! 


THE  COMPLEA.T  ANGOT-LEK. — Two  sheriffs,  who  raided  St.  John's 
Market,  the  Liverpudlian  Billingsgate,  in  order  to  effect  a  "  distress  " 
upon  a  certain  fish-wife,  had  a  very  warm  reception  at  the  hands  of 
the  marchande  de  maree.  The  debtor,  or  rather  debtore*s,  seems  to 
have  been  what  the  Liverpool  Courier,  with  href  zy  originality,  calls 
"  the  pet  of  the  market,  like  Charite,  the  Offenbachian  heroine  in 
La  fille  de  Madame  Angot !  "  (We  always  had  a  vague  idea  that 
this  opera  was  from  LECOCQ'S  pen,  and  that  Clairette  was  heroine 
thereof.)  Anyway,  the  lady  in  question  was  "  ably  supported,"  her 
fellow-tradeswomen  rising  up  in  arms  for  her  against  the  invading 
sheriffs  who—"  telle  etait  la  mere  Angot"— would,  have  met  with  an 
untimely  fate  had  it  not  been  for  the  arrival  of  a  posse  of  police  to 
the  rescue.  A  Hibernian  spectator  of  the  fray  is  said  to  have 
remarked,  "  Avick  I  shure  an'  it  reminds  me  of  an  eviction  I ' 

WHAT  SIB  A.  MACKENZIE  OMITTED  TO  SAY  IN  HIS  HEMABKS  ON 
"  MUSICAL  PITCH."— That "  this  was  a  sort  of  pitch  which  you  could 
touch,  and  yet  could  come  out  with  clean  hands." 

CLASSIC  COMMINGLING.— Dr.  "  JIM  "  is  Leander  and  Hero  rolled 
into  one. 


118 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  7,  1896, 


MARCH  7,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


119 


THE  CHILDREN'S  CORNUCOPIA. 

(Conducted  "by  Auntie  Chickabiddy.) 

OUR  PRIZE  WINNERS, 

Class  3.  Class  1.  Class  2. 


BUNTING  BUBBLES.  CORA  BBNANGEL.  DORA  DIMPLE. 

(Aged  6.)  (Aged  13.)                            (Aged  9.) 

Prize.— The  Poet  Laure-  Prize.— ADAM  SMITH'S  <  Prize.— YOUNG'S 

ate'B  England?!  Darling.  Political  Economy.  Night  Thoughts. 

DBAS  DABLINGS,— The  above  are  the  portraits  of  your  little  friends 
who  have  been  clever  enough  to  carry  off  the  prizes  in  the  three 
classes  devoted  to  English  Composition.  I  give  their  essays  below  so 
that  you  may  see  for  yourselves  that  COBA,  DORA,  and  BUNTING 
have  fairly  won  the  diplomas  which  accompany  the  valuable  book?. 
The  judges  were  the  Dowager  Countess  of  SNUFFINGTON,  Lady 
THEOPHBASTA  CHABLEMAGNE-TUBBS,  and  the  Hon.  Mrs.  CAMELSUMP. 
Afk  Papa,  Mamma,  or  governess  to  show  you  these  ladies'  names  in 
Burke'*  or  Watford's  Peerage ;  either  work  you  will  learn  to  love 
and  appreciate  when  you  are  older.  I  have  not  been  out  lately  on 
account  of  a  severe  cold,  so  you  cannot  expect  much  news,  but  this 
must  interest  you.  My  beautiful  Kamtchatka  pussy,  JBuz-Wuz, 
has  made  me  a  present  of  five  lovely  w'ee-wee  kittens.  I  am  going 
to  sell  them  to  my  friends  for  the  small  sum  of  £2  a-piece  in  order 
that  I  may  help  a  poor  lady,  who  does  not  wish  her  name  to  be 
known.  So  if  any  of  your  relatives  would  like  them  they  should 
write  at  once,  for  I  want  the  poor  lady  to  go  to  the  South  of  France 
as  soon  as  possible.  Charity  begins  at  home,  but  often  ends  abroad. 
My  doctor  says  that  I  ought  to  eeek  the  bright  sun  and  fair  flowers 
of  the  Riviera,  so,  perhaps  I,  too,  mav  have  to  tear  myself  away  from 
dear,  dismal  England.  But  I  shall  be  back,  if  I  do  make  the 
journey,  in  time  to  arrange  your  Easter  Fancy-dress  Danes,  invitation 
cards  for  which  can  now  be  had,  price  half- a- guinea  each.  As  the 
numbsr  of  guests  must  be  limited,  it  would  be  as  well  to  apply  at 
once  for  the  cards.  The  refreshments  will  include  tea,  coffee, 
lemonade,  sandwiches,  cake,  oranges,  apples,  and,  perhaps,  ices,  and 
I  hope  to  engage  the  Green  Bohemian  Band.  The  Grand  Duchess  of 
GBUNTERSHEIM  (look  up  this  country  in  the  map)  has  graciously 
promised  to  be  present.  So  we  must  look  forward  to  a  gay  and  select 
meeting.  Always,  darlings,  Your  true  friend, 

AUNTIE  CHICKABIDDY. 

P.S.  Here  are  the  successful  essays  :  — 

CLASS  I. 
Subject :  The  Rite  and  Fall  of  Napoleon  the  Great. 

DEAR  AUNTIE,— NAPOLEON  was  a  bad  man,  but  he  crossed  the 
Alps  by  the  use  of  vinegar.  He  fought  everybody,  including  the 
King  of  ENGLAND  and  the  Emperor  of  RUSSIA.  It  was  on  his  famous 
retreat  from  St.  Petersburg  that  he  skated  over  the  Danube  on  the 
ioe.  Afterwards  he  lost  the  battle  of  Sedan,  and  died  in  the  Isle  of 
Elba,  of  a  broken  heart.  He  invented  boots  like  his  rivals,  the  Duke 
of  WELLINGTON  and  Colonel  BLUCHEB.  I  hope  this  will  win  the 
prize.  .  Yours,  most  affectionately,  COBA. 

CLASS  II. 

Subject :  Vegetarianism. 

DEABEST  AUNTIE,— The  cow  is  a  vegetarian,  and  so  was  NEBU- 
CHADNIZZAB  (I  didn't  spell  this  word  myself),  and  so  are  my  rabbits 
and  CHABLEY'S  guinea  pigs.  So  is  grandma,  who  likes  sparrow- 
grass,  and  always  chews  the  cud.  If  a  lion  was  one,  he  would  eat 
vegetable  marrow-bones.  Oar  ponyloves  apples  and  sugar.  So  do  I. 

Your  loving  DOBA. 

CLASS  III. 
Subject :  Babies. 

DABLING  AUNTIE, — I  used  to  like  babies  when  I  was  one.  Now  I 
don't.  They  cry  all  day.  Your  own  little  BUNTING. 

UNCONFIBMED  REPOBT. — That  President  CLEVELAND  was,  on  the 
anniversary  of  WASHINGTON'S  birthday,  presented  by  his  country- 
men with  a  facsimile  of  little  GEOBGE'S  axe.  Oliver  Twist's  "ax" 
is  more  in  GBOVEB'S  line. 


PROTEST  BY  A  PRECISIAN. 

(After  reading  an  Article  on  "Amateur  Sport."    Cup  and 
League  Football.) 

We  're  game  to  praise, 
Although  that  phrase 

Hath  a  pedantic  sound. 
But  "semi-finalist"'     * 


O  SPOBTIVE  Muse, 

We  can't  refuse,         [to  twist ; 

For  you  our  English  tongue 
But  we  do  squirm 
At  that  vile  term, 

A  "semi-finalist "I 
It  is  too  bad  I 

The  stalwart  lad  [mate  round," 
Left  in  "  the  ante-penulti- 


That  "  well  of  English  unde- 
nted"! 

Such  bastard  lingo  who  can 
pass 

And  not  feel  rilel  P 


A  PROBLEM. 

WHY  is  a  traveller  by  the  L.  C.  and  D.  Railway,  who  cannot 
afford  first-class  fare,  and  who  refuses  to  travel  third,  likely  to  do 
the  journey  from  Victoria  to  Rimsgate  by  the  Granville  Express  in 
less  than  a  seven  thousandth  part  of  the  two  hours  usually  occupied  ? 
—Solution :  Because,  starting  from  Victoria,  he  arrives  at  Ramsgate 
in  a  second. 

TO  VALET  UDINABIANS.      ADVICE  FOB  MABCH  10. 

Go  to  Bow  Street  if  ailing  in  health  or  in  limb, 

For  you  '11  find  Surgeon  BRIDGE  there,  and  eke  Doctor  JIM. 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED   FROM   THE   DIAKY   OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  February  24. — A  pleased  smile 
illumined  PBINCE  ARTHUR'S  countenance  to-night  when  Private 
HANBUBY  was  brought  up  to  the  triangle  and  received  three  dozen. 
DON  JOSE  smiled  responsive.  "  Most  useful  fellow,"  said  PBINCE 
ARTHUB  ;  "  does  his  work  capitally  in  Downing  Street ;  says  nothing 
with  becoming  grace  on  the  Treasury  Bench ;  and  now,  when  you 
and  I  might  expect  to  be  hauled  up  with  embarrassing  reminiscences 
of  what  we  said  and  did  when  a  much  milder  gag  than  ours  was  pro- 
posed by  Mr.  G.  in  order  to  carry  his  Home-Rule  Bill,  HANBUBY  is 
dragged  out,  takes  his  punishment,  and  we  escape." 

A  good  deal  in  this. 

"  Remembering,  and  it  seems  but  yesterday,  all  that  was  said  and 
done  in  Session  of  1893,  in  denunciation  of  time-closure  invoked  tem- 
porarily in  face  of  avowtd  obstruction,  after  prolonged  endeavour  to 
make  way  under  ordinary  sail,  it  takes  away  one's  breath  to  hear 
PBINCE  ARTHUB  blandly  propose  a  severer  form  of  gag,  not  applica- 
ble to  a  Bill  in  exceptional  circumstances,  but  automatically  choking 
discussion  on  the  Estimates,  not  for  one  Session  but  for  all  time." 

Thus  SABK,  his  honest  face  flushed  with  surprise,  his  tender  bosom 
heaving  with  emotion.  But  SABK  is  comparatively  young  ;  superla- 
tively honest-  a  sort  of  Parliamentary  ingenu.  To  older  Parlia- 
mentary Hands  the  situation  is  charmingly  interesting.  They  have 
seen  many  things  on  the  same  lines.  -  No  place  in  the  world  where 
conversions  are  more  rapid  and  complete  than  in  the  House  of 
Commons.  The  Right  Hon.  Member  for  Tarshish  rides  out  one  day  a 
Coeroionibt.  His  horse  stumbles ;  he  remounts  a  Home  Ruler,  and 
gallops  over  everything  in  his  new  career.  Or  the  other  way  about ; 
or  the  same  thing  on  half  a  dozen  leading  questions  of  the  day. 
If  the  individual  is  prominent,  spiteful  things  are  said;  speeches 
delivered  in  his  earlier  mood  are  resurrected;  he  is  pelted  with 
passages.  But  not  in  modern  times  has  the  somersault,  taken  by  a 
whole  Treasury  Bench  and  the  bulk  of  a  great  Party,  been  so 
sudden,  or  done  within  the  bounds  of  so  narrow  a  stretch  of  carpet. 

Cap' en  TOMMY  BOWLES,  faithful  among  the  faithless  found,  will 
have  none  of  the  business.  No  Parliamentary  Benedick  he.  When 
PBINCE  ABTHUB  and  DON  Josf  said  they  would  die  rather  than  con- 
sent to  the  gag,  they  did  not  believe  they  would  live  to  force  it  on  to 
the  House  of  Commons.  Cap' en  TOMMY,  with  them  in  1893  when 
they  walked  the  strait  path,  parts  from  them  in  1896,  when  they  go 
astray.  The  CAP'EN  is,  after  all,  almost  human,  and  his  voice 
falters,  his  eye  is  clouded  with  unwonted  moisture  as  it  falls  on  the 
figure  of  his  apostate  friend,  now  seated  9n  Treasury  Bench. 
Memories  of  early  happy  days  soften  the  indignant  rigour  of  his 
regard.  He  remembers  how,  a  Parliamentary  infant,  he  sat 
on  the  knee  of  Private  HANBUBY,  was  suckled  on  the  Estimates, 
weaned  upon  motions  for  the  reduction  of  Ministers'  salaries.  And 
now  his  nurse,  his  mentor,  just  for  a  handful  of  silver,  just 
lor  a  ribbon  to  stick  in  his  coat,  has  joined  the  brigand  band  he 
kaught  the  lisping  TOMMY  to  shy  stones  at.  The  only  comfort 
the  deserted,  desolate  human  wreck  has  is  in  the  reflection  that  if 
some  of 'Private  HANBUBY' s  earliest  efforts  had  succeeded  he  would 
now  be  drawing  only  half  his  Ministerial  salary. 

Business  done. — PBINCE  ABTHUB  brings  in  the  gag ;  lays  it  on  the 


120 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


[MARCH  7,  1896. 


table;  a*ks  House  to  open  its  mouth  and  shut  its  eyes  and  see  what 
he  and  DON  JOSE  will  give  it. 

Tuesday. — When,  just  before  midnight,  after  s^vtn  hours1  debate 
on  and  round  the  gagging  resolutions,  VICARY  GIBBS  was  observed 


"OVER  THE  BORDER  AVITH   MORLEY.'' 

Sir  "W-ll-m  explains  the  mysteries  of  "  cess  and  steat." 

rising  to  his  feet,  a  shudder  ran  through  hitherto  languid  House. 
Old  Members  recalled  how,  on  a  famous  night  in  July  in  the  Session  of 
1893,  VICARY'S  hand  set  a  light  to  the  smouldering  fires  of  resent- 
ment, causing  them  to  blaze  forth  with  uncontrollable  force,  un- 
paralleled ferocity.  New  Members  had  read  all  about  it.  Here  was 
(bat  for  a  minor  detail)  a  repetition  of  the  causes  that  led  up  to  the 
famous  free  fight  which  earned  for  Cjlonel  SAUNDERSON  favourable 
mention  in  the  despatches.  The  gag,  more  severe  and  more  syste- 
matic than  that  whose  operation  was  the  signal  for  the  historic 
Seville,  was  again  proposed. 

Th*  minor  detail,  of  course,  is  that  the  very  men  who,  in  the 
Home-Rule  Session,  indignantly  denounced,  resolutely  resisted,  the 
iniquitous  attempt  to  tamper  with  freedom  of  debate,  to-day  occupy 
the  Treasury  Bench.  That,  of  coarse,  has  little  bearing  on  the 
incident  of  the  moment.  However  it  be  with  them,  to  a  man  of 
VICARY'S  independence,  Trojan  and  Tyrian  are  the  same.  Not  for 
him  to  affirm  that  that  in  PRINCE  ARTHUR'S  but  a  choleric  word 
which  in  Mr.  G.  was  flat  blasphemy.  He  will  do  the  right  thing 
whate'er  befall. 

Members  momentarily  withdrawing  their  gaze  from  the  prema- 
turely brindled  hair  of  the  still  young  advocate  of  freedom  of  speech, 
looked  round  for  HATES  FISHER.  Was  he  ready  to  play  again  his 
patriotic  part?  When,  on  that  fateful  night,  LOGAN,  sauntering 
past  the  Front  Opposition  bench,  seated  himself  partly  on  CABSON, 
Q  C  ,  and  partly  on  the  bench,  HATES  FISHER,  safe  in  entrenchment 
on  the  bench  behind,  punched  him  on  the  nape  of  the  neck.  Real 
merit  is  always  modest.  When  called  to  account  HAYES  FISHER, 
whilst  blushingly  admitting  his  intrepid  action,  insisted  upon 
assigning  the  whole  initiative  of  the  row  to  Mr.  GLADSTONE.  Mr. 
G.  is  far  removed  from  the  scene  to-night,  restful  by  the  blue  water 
that  laps  the  shore  at  Cannes.  If  HAYES  FISHER  means  business, 
and,  in  obedience  to  instinct  of  a  noble  nature,  insists  on  appor- 
tioning elsewhere  the  meed  of  praise,  he  must  pick  out  some  one 
else. 

But  HAYES  FISHER  is  not  here.  As  for  YICART,  he  is  nearly  three 
years  older,  and  has  evidently  done  with  war  and  its  alarms.  His 
helm  is  now  a  hive  for  bees.  They  buzz  reproach  round  the  head  of 
PRINCE  ARTHUR,  inasmuch  as  he  "  has  put  a  very  heavy  strain  on 
faithful  and  loyal  followers."  Bat  it  is  a  mild  reproof,  grand- 
motherly compared  with  the  fierce  trumpet-tones  of  defiance  that 
rang  through  the  same  Chamber  on  the  same  provocation  three  years 
ago.  Colonel  SAUNDERSON  having,  when  VICAHY  rose,  grasped  the 
street-door  key,  without  which,  since  his  experience  of  that  July 
night,  he  never  approaches  Parliamentary  debate,  let  it  drop  again 
in  the  recesses  of  Ms  pocket.  It  will  not  be  wanted  to-night  to  cool 
abraised  cheeks,  smitten  in  hand-to-hand  fight  in  resistance  of  that 
unholy,  un-English  institution,  the  gag. 

Business  done. — Gagging  Resolution  discussed. 


Thursday. — Nothing  BO  pleasing  during  course  of  debate  on  our 
Procedure  than  readiness  of  the  new  Members  to  come  forward  and 
settle  knotty  points.  Subject  full  of  intricacies.  Oldest  Parliamentary 
Hands  (with  exception,  of  course,  of  the  CAP'EN)  occasionally  floored 
by  it.  Once  to-night,  just  when  PRINCE  ARTHUR  seemed  to  be 
entering  port  with  his  precious  cargo  in  prime  condition,  shipwreck 
was  imminent.  Something  like  hopeless  muddle  ensued ;  bewildered 
Members  clamoured  feebly  for  adjournment,  that  being,  apparently, 
the  only  safe  thing.  Through  the  storm  the  new  Members  sat 
serene  and  confident,  radiant  with  joyous  consciousness  of  that 
ability  which  is  prior  to  knowledge.  If  there  is  one  thing  in  the 
world  they  really  know  nothing  about,  it  is  the  bearings  of  ^Parlia- 
mentary procedure.  Therefore  they  can  discuss  it. 

DRAGE  did,  with  effect  accidentally  marred  by  presence  of  SQUIRE 
OFMALWOOD.  Him  he  turned  out  of  Derby  at  General  Election.  Rolled 
him  out  of  borough  like  an  empty  beer-barrel.  Emerging  to-night 
from  No.  1,  Cloister,  Temple,  E.G.  ("  DRAGE  just  the  man  to  select  a 
cloister  for  residence,"  says  SARK),  he  thought  he  would  tell  House 
more  than  he  knew  about  Procedure.  Just  as  he  was  beginning  his 
eve  fell  upon  figure  of  the  SQUIRE.  With  the  fine  instinct  of  new 
Member  as  to  what  exactly  suits  taste  of  House,  DRAGE,  having  spare 
oyster  shell  in  his  rocket,  thought  it  would  be  nice  to  shy  it  at  the 
Figure.  Nothing  House  of  Commons  so  thoroughly  appreciates  as 
spectacle  of  now  Member,  of  young-mannish  appearance,  making  his 
maiden  speech,  t  ay  ing  something  grossly  impertinent  about  the 
Leader  of  the  Opposition.  Pleasure  enhanced  by  knowledge  of  fact 
that  in  an  electoral  contest  of  recent  date  the  old  Member  had  been 
unseated  by  the  new.  "  A  monumental  instance  of  inconsistency 
throughout  his  political  life,"  was  the  reflection  that  occurred  to 
Mr.  DRAGE  as  he  regarded  the  SQUIRE. 

Effect  of  carefully  conned  sentence  a  little  disappointing.  House 
growled  its  discontent.  DRAGE  surprised:  began  to  with  he  was 
safely  back  in  the  Cloister,  E.G.  Thought  he  heard  Dr.  CLARK 
smile.  Turned  upon  him  with  cloistered  severity.  Rebuked  him  in 
the  name  of  private  Members. 

"I  made  no  observation,"  said  Dr.  CLARK,  justly  amazed  at  his 
own  forbearance. 

"  Ha  1 "  cried  DBAGE,  frowning :  "  it 
is  perhaps  as  well  that  the  hon.  Mem- 
ber did  not." 

"Now  that  at  least  is  good,"  eaid 
the  appreciative  SARK.  "  It  comes 
nearer  to  a  repartee  by  the  Hatter  than 
anything  heard  out  of  Wonderland." 

Applause  grew  so  persistent  and 
promiscuous  that  the  new  Member 
abruptly  resumed  his  seat,  having 
omitted  to  say  what  he  had  risen  to 
propound  on  the  subject  of  New  Proce- 
dure Rules. 

Business  done.  —  Procedure  Rules 
agreed  to,  with  proviso  that  Stlect 
Committee  shall  be  appoints  1  to  deter- 
mine exactly  what  we  and  they  mean. 

Friday. — Romped  through  the  sup- 
plementary estimates.  At  half-past 
seven,  when  last  was  voted,  J.  W. 
LOWTHER,  breathless  with  rapidity  of 
putting  successive  questions  in  record 
time,  led  out  of  chair  and  laid  on  his 
back  in  cool  passage. 

Seemed  as  if  under  new  condition 
of  things  business  of  sitting  would 
be  wound  up  in  time  to  go  to  dinner. 
But,  Supply  disposed  of,  HAVELOCK 
WILSON  hove  alongside  with  his  Mer- 
chant Seamen  Bill.  Not  much  bktd 
in  Ministerial  circles.  But  would  look 
bad  to  throw  it  out  on  second  reading. 
So  second  reading  agreed  to,  on  con- 
sideration that  nothing  more  shall  be 
heard  of  Bill  until  Committee  on  Man- 
ning of  Merchant  Ships  has  reported. 
"  Then,"  said  RITCHIE,  "  we  '11  see." 

Business  done.— Supplementary  E  s- 
timates  agreed  to.  PRINCE  ARTHUR 
says  he  didn't  promise  Select  Commit- 
tee to  inquire  into  New  Procedure  Rule 
and  tell  House,  which  has  just  passed 
it.  exactly  what  it  meant  in  so  doing. 
What  he  did  promise  was  something 
quite  different.  "  'E  dunnoi  where  we 
are,"  said  Cap' en  TOMMY,  scratching 
the  crown  of  his  head  with  the  point 
of  his  hook  as  is  his  habit  in  moments 
of  abstraction.  Mr.  Leggy,  M.P. 


MARCII  14,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


121 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

THE  GENEROUS  WHIST-PLATER  TO  THE 
ERUDITE  MAIDEN. 

"Wtf  out  for'partners.     YouTand  I 

Were  destined  to  be  vis- d- vis. 
You  said  the  foe  we  might  def  r. 

You  were  so  glad  to  fight  with  me  I 
For  grandmamma  had  shown  you  all 

The  scientific  skill  she  knew, 
Had  taught  you  how  for  trumps  to  cal], 

And  how  to  score  with  chances  few. 

With  eager  zest  the  game  commenced, 

Our  adversaries  three  tricks  made. 
Now,  really,  I  was  not  incensed 

When  you  played  club  instead  of 

spade ; 
Nw  was  I  angry  when  you  placed 

That  fatal  king  upon  my  queen. 
Of  course,  I  saw  the  card  was  faced, 

Another  deal  there  should  have  been. 

'Iwas  scarcely  wise  the  fourth   time 
round 

The  ace  of  diamonds  to  lead  ; 
But  then  it  often  has  been  found 

That  theory  is  worse  than  deed. 
A  bumper  rubber  I    Yet  your  smile 

Was  not  less  joyous  than  before, 
11  With  hearts  for  trumps,  just  wait  a 
while!" 

You  cried,  as  we  began  once  more. 

'Twas  in  the  middle  of  the  game, 

In  dire  distress,  I  breathed  a  wish 
That  grandmamma,  of  matchless  fame, 

Had  read  a  little  Cavendish. 
'Twas  quite  by  accident  I  spoke — 

My  stupid  tongue  I  can't  restrain  I 
So  do  blame  me  for  your  revoke 

And  let  us  partners  be  again  I 


ROYALTY  BICYCLING. 

H.R.H.  The  Prince  of  WALES  has  taken 
to  I  icy  cling.  After  the  usual  spill  or  two, 
which  all  first-rate  riders  whether  on 
horses  or  wheels  must  experience,  His 
Royal  Highness  is  becoming  such  an  ex- 
pert that  a  change  of  title  is  seriously 
contemplated.  If  the  alteration  can  be 
made  without  harm  to  the  British  Consti- 
tution (an  excellent  one  enjoyed  by  the 
enjoys),  then  H.R.H.  will  be  known  as 
11  The  Prince  of  Wheels." 


DR.  FISHES,  Soffragan  Buhop  of  South- 
ampton, is  evidently  exceptionally  and 
deservedly  popular.  According  to  the 
Westminster,  he  has  enormous  influence 
with  jockeys  in  Yorkshire"  and  "at 
Newmarket."  "FISHER"  is  an  appro- 
priate name  for  a  Bishop,  as  "  Piscator 
hominum'' ;  and  it  is  si  proved  by  his 
already  having  caught  the  jockeys,  and 
all  "on  his  own  hook."  May  he  follow 
in  the  footsteps  of  the  great  Bishop 
FISHER  ;  only,  may  he  never  "  lose  his 
head,"  as  tbat  good  ecclesiastic  did, — ex- 
cept for  conscience  sake. 

COMPETITIVE  EXAMINATIONS  SUPER- 
SEDED BY  IHE  NEW  PHOTOGRAPHY. — The 
examiners  will  simply  have  to  use  the 
latest  photographic  apparatus  to  Bee  if  a 
candidate  has  any  brains  or  not.  Of 
course,  the  examination  will  be  in  camera. 

SHAKSPEARE  AND  "THE  NEW  PHOTO- 
GRAPHY."—" Sit  you  down. ...  I  set  you 
np  a  glass  where  you  may  see  the  inmost 
part  of  you."— Hamlet,  Act  III.,  Sc.  4. 

OPENING  SCENE  or  NEW  NAUTICAL 
ARCTIC  DRAMA.—"  Curtain  rises,  North 
Pole  discovered," 


MR.  PUNCH'S  PLAYINC  CARDS. 


No.  II. — TRUMPS — KING  OF  HEARTS  OF  OAK. 


PROPOSED  REGULATIONS  FOR  HIDE  PARK. 

(Compiled  to  please  the  Wheeling  Minority.) 

1.  THE  gates  shall  be  open  from  daybreak  to  sun- 
down, for  the  benefit  of  the  cyclists. 

2.  Carriages  drawn  by,  and  riders  mounted  on, 
horses  will  be  only  admitted  at  convenient  hours, 
for  the  benefit  of  the  cyclists. 

3.  Volunteer  corps  will  not  be  allowed  to  take  up 
positions,  for  the  benefit  of  the  cyclists. 

4.  Public  meetings  will  not  be  held  in  the  custo- 
mary spots,  for  the  benefit  of  the  cyclists. 

5.  Flower-beds  will   be   removed  and  the  sites 
levelled,  for  the  benefit  of  the  cycliste. 

6.  Military  bands  will  be  discontinued,  for  the 
benefit  of  the  cyclists. 

7.  Schools  will  not  be  permitted  to  take  exercise 
in  processions  of  twos  and  twos,  for  the  benefit  of 
the  cyclists. 

8  and  last.  The  park  shall  be  closed  in  the  face  of 
the  general  public,  for  the  benefit  of  the  cyclists. 


Mem.  by  a  Man. 

(After  reading  Lord  Woheley's  Speech.) 

DESPITE  New  Woman  nonsense,  crass,  immense, 
If  still  the  Briton  is  to  rule  the  brine, 

Tis  very  clear  our  "  First  Line  of  Defence" 
Must  still  be  mason-line  ! 


HAPPYAND  IMPERIAL  AFTER- THOUGHT. — "By  some 
most  unaccountable  oversight  I  omitted  to  send  my 
customary  congratulations  to  the  Shoan  Chief  on  his 
recent  victory.  May  I  ask  you,  my  dear  and  most 
excellent  Mr.  P-nch,  to  make  known  publicly  how 
much  I  regret  this  strange  but  absolutely  uninten- 
tional omission  ?  Yours,  W-LL-M  (IMPERATOR)." 


LATEST  CRICKET. — What  were  the  English  Team 
in  Australia  "out  for"?  They  were  out  for— a 
holiday. 

THE  RICHEST  TRIAL  GOING. — The  St.  George's 
Election  Petition  is  eaid  to  have  cost  four  guineas  a 
minute.  Si  non  e  vero  e  Sens  trovato. 


THE  CHAUNT  OF  THE  BODLEY  HEAD. 

(After  Praed.) 

I  THINK  what  modern  mortals  crave, 

With  feverish  endeavour, 
Is  work  erotically  brave, 

Satanically  clever : 
I  think  no  book  should  now  be  long, 

And  therefore  I  determine 
That  paradox  must  mark  the  song, 

And  epigram  the  sermon. 

I  think  the  business  of  the  wise 

Is  with  old  rules  to  quarrel, 
Defiant  of  the  decencies, 

Oblivious  of  the  moral ; 
The  rule  of  Art  the  Autocrat 

Np  ethic  impulse  troubles, — 
While  priest  says  this,  and  pedant  that, 

Art — blows  mephitic  bubbles. 

I  think  they  should  be  brightly  blown, 

Though  full  of  poisonous  vapour, 
Sin's  iridescent  sheen  alone 

Outshines  dull  Virtue's  taper. 
Old  Honesty  temptation  flies, 

And  bids  the  devil  behind  him ; 
But  we  log-roll  the  Sire  of  Lies, 

And  Beardsleyesquely  bind  him. 

I  think  to  grub  like  ghouls  in  graves 

For  gruesome  allegories, 
Creative  talent  while  it  saves, 

Gives  vogue  to  vapid  stories. 
Old-fashioned  critics  carp  and  fume, 

Neurotic  nonsense  banning ; 
But  while  the  bookstalls  give  us  room, 

Fresh  bogies  pay  for  planning. 

I  think  the  DICKENSES  and  HOODS, 

Their  stories  and  their  verses, 
Too  cheerful  far  for  modern  moods, 

WJhich  run  on  crimes  and  curses, 
I  think  Modernity  must  frown 

On  Nell,  or  We  Are  Seven  ; 
For  nothing  now  will  take  the  town 

That  smacks  of  home  or  heaven. 

I  think  Love 's  like  a  problem-play 

Where  Pan  and  POOLE  are  blended ; 
Or  like  a  foul  November  day. 

Whose  fog  in  sludge  is  ended. 
Good  fun  in  coster,  cad,  or  rough, 

In  slums  and  "  fourpenny  dosses  "  ; 
But,  bound  in  marriage  bonds,  stale  stuff, 

Which  natural  instinct  crosses. 

I  think  that  sex,  old  he  and  she, 

Want  some  new  common  measure, 
That  love,  like  union,  should  be  free, 

Its  only  object  pleasure. 
One  man  one  wife  might  well  content 

The  drudge,  the  saint,  the  friar, 
Were  wedlock  more  a  sacrament 

And  woman  less  a  liar. 

I  think  that  Wit  should  woo  St.  Giles, 

And  not  St.  George,  or  Stephen. 
That  Rahab  and  her  subtle  wiles 

Make  Fancy's  truest  heaven. 
The  pink  and  pure  no  more  delight 

Your  genius-gifted  fellow, 
Now  genuine  Art  is  black  and  white, 

And  Literature  all  yellow. 

The  world  for  geniuses  has  sighed, 

And  I,  in  sheaves,  have  found  them  ; 
I  've  printed  them  with  margins  wide, 

Ana  arabesquely  bound  them. 
Some  who  once  worshipped,  in  remorse 

Their  idols  now  seem  ourning ; 
But  I  keep  on  my  even  course, 

A  lane  that  has  no  turning. 


MOTTO  FOR  MR.  LECKY  AND  OTHERS. — 
They  who  play  at  (TOMMY)  BOWLES  must 
expect  rubbers. 

THE  BEST  OF  SMUGGLED  GOODS.— 
JAMESON'S  spirits. 


VOL.  ex. 


122 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  14,  1896. 


MARCH  14,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


123 


THE  METROPOLITAN  STATUES  SUPPLY  ASSOCIATION. 

["  Mr.  AKERS-DOPGLAS,  replying  to  Mr.  LABOTTCHERE  as  to  whether  his 
attention  had  been  called  to  a  *tatue  '  purporting  to  be  of  the  late  Mr.  JOHN 
BRIGHT  in  the  Central  Lobby,  and  whether  it  is  to  remain  there,'  said  that 
it  was  erected  unde r  arrangements  made  with  his  predecessors.  He  admitted 
that  there  were  very  varied  views  as  to  its  artistic  merits."] 

THIS  company  has  been  formed  for  the  purpose  of  supplying 
public  statues  and  monuments  on  the  hire  system.  In  consequence 
of  the  numerous  complaints  against  existing 
statues,  there  is  reason  to  believe  that  tem- 
porary memorials,  if  obtainable,  would  be  uni- 
versally erected.  The  ^  promoters  expect  that 
the  company  will  be  immediately  appointed 
Sole  Purveyors  of  Statues  to  the  Houses  of 
Parliament.  It  is  needless  to  draw  attention 
to  the  many  advantages  which  would  have 
accrued  to  the  pockets  of  the  subscribers,  to 
the  uninterrupted  progress  of  traffic,  and  to 
the  public  cjmfort  and  convenience  generally 
— not  to  mention  the  cause  of  Art — if  the 
majority  of  statues  and  memorials  in  London 
had  been  obtained  on  this  system,  and  had 
been  subsequently  removed.  The  apparently 
permanent  erections  and  statues  in  various 
recent  exhibitions  have  shown  that  the  use  of 
real  bronze  or  marble  is  an  old-  fashioned  and 
exploded  fallacy. 

Guaranteed  Portrait  Department.  —  On 
payment  of  ten  per  cent,  extra  on  the  hiring 
terms,  a  certificate  cf  correct  resemblance,  signed  by  the  executors 
of  the  person  represented,  will  be  supplied  with  the  statue. 

Circulating  Statuary  Department  —  Sbatues  lent  out  in  the  same 
manner  as  books  from  Messrs.  MUDIR'S.  For  terms  of  subscription, 
apply  to  the  Secretary.  Statues  cannot  be  changed  more  frequently 
than  once  a  week. 

Memorials  Department.  —  Larger  erections,  containing  several 
statues  or  groups,  supplied  at  the  shortest  notice.  A  large  selection  of 
horses,  grilling,  and  other  animals.  The  hitherto  disregarded  anatomy 
and  action  of  these  fabulous  monsters  will  be  carefully  attended  to. 
_  Fountains  Department.— The  new  patent  fountains,  with  imita- 
tion jets  of  water,  will  be  a  special  feature.  This  new  invention 
(.bvutes  the  wetting  of  passere-by,  the  fear  of  which  has  hitherto 
prevented  the  use  of  a  large  jet,  and  has  necessitated  a  meagre  squirt 
or  dribble  of  water,  c  f  mean  and  ridicule  us  appearance.  The  new 
jets,  of  a  patent  metallic  compound,  gleam  in  the  sunlight,  and  are 
varied  at  intervals  in  rise  and  fall  by  an  arrangement  of  springs  in 
the  fountain.  They  are  at  present  manufactured  in  Germany  by  the 
Wiisenschaftlichekunstgesellschaft,  the  Scientific  Art  Company,  of 
Berlin.  Real  water  for  drinking  purposes,  rarely  required,  can,  if 
wished,  be  supplied  from  a  tap. 

Secondhand  Department. — A  large  number  of  returned  statues, 
misfits,  and  other  slightly  damaged  stock,  will  be  offered  for  sale  at 
immense  reductions.  Suitable  for  provincial  towns,  tea-gardens, 
newly-erected  villa  residences,  &c.,  &c.  Warranted  to  stacd  the 
weather  if  properly  varnished  once  a  year.  Great  reduction  on 
taking  a  qiiantitv. 

Preliminary  Notice  of  Sale. — A  job  lot  of  real  bronze  and  marble 
statues,  removed  from  Westminster,  Trafalgar  Square,  the  City, 
&c.,  will  shortly  be  offered  at  ridiculously  low  price?.  Also  an 
aluminium  angel  (tarnhhed),  and  a  griffin.  Both  with  very  spirited 
action.  Suitable  for  exportation  to  Central  Africa. 


FASHIONABLE  MOVEMENTS. 
(As  they  ought  to  be  Reported. ) 

KING  PREMPEH  and  Suite  are  making  a  length- 
ened stay  at  Elmina  Castle. 

Ex-  PrimeMinisterRAiNiLAiRivoNYis  expected 
at  Geryville,  Algeria,  from  Madagascar. 

ABA  m  PA«HA  continues  to  enjoy  the  salubrious 
climate  of  Ceylon. 

Dr.  LEANDER  JAMESON,  Sir  JOHN  WILLOTJGHBY, 
the  Hon.  H.  F.  WHITE,  the  Hon.  R.  WHITE, 
Mr.  C.  P.  FOLET,  and  friends,  have  arrived  in 
town,  after  a  short  tour  in  the  Transvaal. 

Major  LOTHAIBE  has  been  summoned  to 
Leopoldville,  Congo  Free  State,  on  urgent 
personal  business. 

The  King  of  BTJRMAH  and  family  are  still  on 
a  visit  to  the  GOVERNOR- GENERAL  OF  INDIA.. 


THE  ROYAL  ACADEMY  HAS  NOW  REACHED  A  MOST  PROSPEROUS 
PERIOD. — It  is  enjoying  its  Millaisnium. 


HOME!  DULL  HOME! 

(Up-to-date  Version  of  a  very  Out-of-date  Song.) 

["We  English  are  learning  how  to  live,  and  even  to  take  our  pleasures  less 
sadly.  .  .  .  Another  decade  or  so  may  see  us  a  pleasure-loving  nation.    Yes, 


Budget."] 

'Mio  Rinks  and  Ice  Palaces  now  let  us 

roam! 
Be  it  ever  so  risky  it's  better  than 

home. 
A  spell  as  of  lead  seems  to  deaden  us 

there, 
Let's  mix  in  the  world  and  cavort 

everywhere. 

Home !  home  I  dull,  dull  home ! 
A  slow  place  is  home  1    A  slow  place 
is  home ! 

To  learn  how  to  live  we  must  quit  the 

fireside, 
The  up-grade  of  life  is  on  Fashion's 

full  tide. 
Your  stay-at-home  dowdy  is  now  out 

of  date, 
To  keep  up  to  time,  you  must  bike 

and  must  skate. 

Home  I  home  !  dull,  dull  home ! 
Be  it  ever  so  stylish,  a  slow  place  is 
home! 

"  Keep  house,"  in  a  suburb  ?    What  prison  were  that ! 
No,  no,  we  '11  hang  out  on  a  snoait  West-End  flat. 
Sky- scraping,  perchance,  but  with  that  we  '11  make  shift, 
For  we  're  raised  in  the  world  by  the  aid  of  a  lift. 

Home  I  home !    Who  cares  for  home ! 

Be  it  ever  so  lofty,  a  flat  may  be  home  1 

The  sweet  domesticities  women  now  flout, 
The  Darby  and  Joan  style  of  thing  is  played  out. 
"  The  social  pulse  quickens,"  as  everyone  feels, 
And  the  world,  like  our  women,  now  goes  upon  wheels. 
Home  ?  home  ?    Man 's  not  a  gnome, 
To  dwell  in  a  dull  hole  because  it 's  called  home ! 

The  unselfish  stay-at-home  girl  has  no  chance ; 

She  must  tennis  and  flirt,  she  must  bike,  skate,  and  dance. 

In  tammy  and  jupe,  or  in  rational  dress, 

She  must  flourish  around  if  she  'd  score  a  success. 

Home  P  home  ?    Abroad  she  must  roam, 

Or  be  doomed  all  her  days  to  that  dull  place  called  home ! 

If  married  and  mother  she  yet  plays  her  part ; 

With  six  charming  children  fhe  still  must  look  "  smart." 

For,  judging  by  facts,  what  Society  likes 

Is  a  maid  who  is  bold,  and  a  matron  who  bikes. 

Home  ?  home  ?    Froth,  flash,  and  foam, 

Our  women  now  crave,  and  they  're  scarce  found  at  home  I 

A  prisoner  at  home,  woman  grizzles  in  pain — 
"  Oh !  give  me  my  knickers  and  cycle  again ; 
The  high- collared  JOHNNIES  who  come  at  my  call, 
Give  me  them,  with  the  fizz  of  mind  dearer  than  all  1 " 
Home  ?  home  ?    Dull,  dull  home  I 
Till  a  woman  turns  sixty  a  slow  place  is  home  I 


BILLIARDS  TJP-TO-DATE.— A  match— 7500  up— is  being  played  at 
Manchester  between  Mrs.  RICHARDS  aid  J.  MACE:.  This  is  the  first 
time,  says  the  Liverpool  Daily  Post,  that  a  lady  player  has  appeared 
in  public.  But  there  is  no  reason  why  the  fair  sex  should  not 
succeed  in  this  new  sphere  of  action.  For  ladies  are  not  lacking  in 
ctte-riosity,  and  thoroughly  understand  the  art  of  "  nursing."  The 
Lady  Professional  Billiard  Player  is  in  training  to  lead  troops,  as  she 
at  least  will  never  faint  at  the  sourd  of  a  cannon ! 


WELL  PROTECTED.— Both  Houses  of  Parliament  are  provided  with 
an  inexhaustible  ttock  of  great  bores,  small  beres,  and  old-fashioned 
smooth  bores.  With  their  aid  either  Chamber  can  be  cleared  in  less 
than  three  minutes. 

WHY  is  the  Primrose  League  particularly  interested  in  President 
KRUGER'S  visit  ?— Because  he  is  Premier  of  a  Pretoryan  Parliament. 


124 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  14,  1896. 


JOTTINGS   AND   TITTLINGS. 

(By  BABOO  HUBBY  BUNGSHO  JABEERJEE,  B.A.) 

No.  VI. 
Dealing  with  his  Adventures  at  Olympia.      '  ''t_ 

THE  dialoquial  form  is  now  become  an  indispensable  factotum  in 
periodical  literature,  and  so,  like  a  brebis  de  Panurge,  I  shall  follow 
the  fashion  occasionally, — though  with  rather  more  obedience  to  a 
literary  elegant  style  of  phraseology  than  my  predecessors  in  Punch 
have  thought  worth  to  practise.  Time :  the  other  morning,  Scene : 
the  breakfast-table  at  Portioobello  House,  Ladbroke  Grove.  Myself 
and  other  select  boarders  engaged  in  masticating  fowl  eggs  .with  their 
concomitant  bacon,  while  intelligently  discussing  topical  subjects  (for 
we  carry  out  the  poetical  recipe  of  "Plain  thinking  and  high  living"). 

Miss  Jessimina  (at  the  table-head).  The  papers  seem  eloquent  in 
laudation  of  the  Sporting  and  Military  Show  at  Olympia.  How  I 
should  like  to  go  if  I  had  anyone  to  take  me ! 

Mr.  Wylie  (stingily).  And  I  would  be  enraptured  at  so  tip- top  an 
opportunity,  but  for  circumstance  of 
being  stonily  broken. 

[Helps  himself  to  the  surviving 
fowl  egg. 

Mr.  Cossetter  (in  sepulchral  tone). 
Alack  I  that  dootorial  prescriptions 
do  nill  for  me  such  nocturnal  jinks ; 

otherwise 

[He  treats  himself  to  a  digestible 
pill. 

Myself  (taking  a  leap  into  the 
darkness  and  deadly  breaches).  Since 
other  gentlemen  are  not  more  obse- 
quious in  gallantry,  I  hereby  tender 
myself  for  honour  of  accompanyist 
and  vade  mecum. 

Miss  Jess,  (lowering  the  silken 
curtains  of  her  almond-like  orbs). 
Oh,  really,  PKINCE  I  So  very  unex- 
pected 1  I  must  obtain  the  expert 
opinion  of  my  Mamma. 

Mistress  MANZLETOW  did  approve 
the  jaunt  on  condition  of  our  being 
saddled  by  a  select  lady  boarder  of 
the  name  of  SPINE:  as  a  tertium  quid 
to  play  at  propriety ;  at  which  I  was 
internally  disgusted,  fearing  she 
would  play  the  old  gooseberry  with 
our  tete-d-tete. 

Having  arrived  at  Olympia,  we 
perambulated  the  bazaar  prior  to  the 
commencement  of  the  shows,  and  here 
(after  parting  with  rs.  8£  for  three 
seats  on  the  balcony)  1  did  bleed  more 
freely  still,  for  Miss  JESSIMINA  ex- 
prested  a  passionate  longing  to  pos- 
sess my  profile,  snipped  out  of  paper 
by  the  scissors  of  a  Silhouette,  for 
which  I  mulcted  one  shilling  sterling. 

And,  after  all,  although  it  proved 
the  alter  ego  and  speaking  likeness  of 
my  embossed  Bombay  cap  and  golden  «  ^ith  a  iarge 

spectacles,  she  found  the  fault  that 

it  rendered  my  complexion  of  a  too  excessive  murksomeness ;  not 
reflecting  (with  feminine  imperceptivity)  that,  the  material  being 
black  as  a  Stygian,  this  criticism  applied  to  the  portraitures  of  afl 
alike! 

Farther  on  I  presented  her  and  the  female  gooseberry  with  a 
pocket-handkerchief  a-piece,  interwoven  by  a  mechanism  with  their 
baptismal  appellation  (another  rupee  I). 

Then  we  arrived  at  a  cage  containing  an  automatic  Devil  revealing 
the  future  for  a  penny  in  the  slit,  and  Miss  JESSIMINA  worked  the 
oracle  with  a  coin  advanced  by  myself,  and  the  demon,  after  flashing 
his  optics  and  consulting  sundry  playing-cards,  did  presently  produce 
a  small  paper  which  she  opened  eagerly. 

Miss  Jess,  (after  perusal).  Only  fancy !  It  says  I  'm  "  to  marry  a 
dark  man,  and  go  for  a  long  journey,  and  be  very  rich."  What 
ridiculous  nonsense  I  do  you  not  think  so,  PBIHCE  ? 

Myself  (tpith  a  tender  sauciness).  Poet  SHAKSPEABE  asserts  there 
are  more  things  in  Heaven  and  earth  than  the  Horatian  philosophy. 
I  am  not  a  superstitious— and  yet  this  mechanical  demon  may  have 
seen  correctly  through  the  brick  wall  of  Futurity.  Have  you  not  a 
worshipful  adorer  who  might  be  described  as  dark,  and  to  whose 
native  land  it  is  a  long  journey  ? 

Miss  Jess,  (with  the  complexion  of  a  tomato).  It's  time  we  took 
our  seats  for  the  performance.  And  you  are  not  to  be  a  silly  I 


It  is  notorious  that  the  English  female  vocabulary  contains  no  more 
caressing  and  flattering  epithet  than  this  of  "a  silly,"  so  that  I 
repaired  to  my  seat  immoderately  encouraged  by  such  gracious 
appreciation.  Of  the  show,  I  can  testify  that  it  was  truly  magnifi- 
cent, though  the  introductory  portion  was  somewhat  spoilt  by  the  too 
great  prevalence  of  the  bicycle,  which  is  daily  increasing  its  ubiquity, 
nor  do  I  see  the  rationality  of  engaging  a  sais  in  topped  boots  to 
attend  upon  each  machine,  under  the  transparent  pretentiousness  of 
its  belonging  to  the  equine  genus,  since  it  can  never  become  the 
similitude  of  a  horse  in  mettlesome  vivacity. 

My  companions  marvelled  greatly  at  the  severe  curvature  of  the 
extremities  of  the  cycle-track,  which  were  shaped  like  the  interior  of 
a  huge  bowl,  and  while  I  was  demonstrating  to  them  how,  from 
scientific  considerations  and  owing  to  the  centrifugal  forces  of 
gravitation,  it  was  not  possible  for  any  rider  to  become  a  loser  of  bis 
equilibrium — lo  and  behold  !  two  of  the  competitors  made  the/actVta 
descensus,  and  were  intermingled  in  the  weltering  hotchpot  of  a 
calamity. 

But  on  being  disentangled  they  did  limp  away,  and  it  is  allowable 
to  hope  that  they  suffered  no  serious  dismantling  of  their  vital 

organs.  Still,  I  cannot  approve  of 
these  bicycle  contentions,  which  are 
veritable  provocative  flights  at  the 
providential  features. 

It  is  nem.  con.  and  undeniable  that 
it  was  a  wise  move  to  transfer  the  race 
for  the  Derby  Ribbon  from  the  re- 
moteness of  Newmarket  Downs  to  a 
spot  where  it  can  be  competed  de  die 
in  diem  and  under  a  cover.  And  I 
was  overjoyed  to  perceive  Hon'ble  Sir 
HENBY  IBTING,  who  was  pointed  out 
to  me,  returned  from  United  States 
of  New  York,  and  driving  a  small 
open  vehicle  in  company  of  Charley's 
Aunt  and  a  youth  attired  as  amariner. 
But  the  pity  of  it,  Horatio  I  that  he 
had  selected  a  steed  of  such  snailish 
propensity  as  only  to  be  budged  by 
the  pricks  of  a  parasol  I  Moreover,  I 
venture  to  hint  that  it  was  infra  dig. 
for  so  respectable  a  Thespian  to  chase 
Charley1  s  Aunt  around  the  circum- 
ference of  the  velodrome,  and  the 
spectacle  of  such  incongruous  spright- 
liness  may  detriment  his  fame  as  a 
tragic. 

The  concluding  entertainment  was 
a  military  battle  with  the  Chitralis ; 
and  how  to  express  the  swelling  of 
my  heart  with  the  martial  sentiment 
of  courage  at  beholding  the  warriors 
on  the  march,  and  taking  tender 
farewells  of  their  ladyloves  and 
fiancees,  who  were  Niobe  all  tears  on 
the  shoulders  of  their  nearest  rela- 
tions! 

And  pride  further  expanded  my 
bosom  to  witness  the  construction  of 
an  impromptu  bridge  in  a  storm  of 
snow  across  the  bottomless  pit  of  an 
abyss,  and  the  gallantry  with 
which  British  troops  volleyed  and 
thundered  to  the  dismay  of  their  barbarian  adversaries ! 

Such  exhibitions  do  greatly  assist  in  promoting  patriotism,  and 
implant  the  courageous  impulse  in  many  an  unwarlike  breast,  as  I 
can  vouch  from  personal  experience. 

After  the  termination  I  conducted  my  protegees  to  the  Palmarium, 
where  we  sat  under  a  shrub  imbibing  lemon  crushes,  brought  by  a 
neat-handed  Phyllis  in  the  uniform  of  a  housemaid  intermixed  with 
a  hospital  nurse.  Here  occurred  a  most  discomposing  contretemps, 
for  presently  Miss  JESSIMINA  uttered  the  complaint  that  two 
strangers  were  regarding  herself  and  Miss  SPINK  with  the  brazen 
eyes  of  a  sheep,  and  even  making  personal  comments  on  my 
nationality,  which  rendered  me  like  toad  under  a  harrow  with  burn- 
ing indignation. 

At  length,  being  utterly  beside  myself  with  rage.  I  summoned  one 
of  the  Phyllises  and  requested  her  to  take  steps  to  abate  the  nuisance, 
being  met  with  a  smiling  "  Nolo  Episcopari."  So,  entreating  my 
companions  not  to  give  way  to  panic  and  leave  their  cause  in  my 
hands,  I  went  in  search  of  a  policeman. 

Unfortunately  some  time  flew  before  I  could  find  one  at  liberty  to 

understand  my  crucial  position,  nor  could  I  obtain  from  him  a  legal 

opinion  as  to  whether  I  could  administer  a  cuff  or  a  slap  in  the  ear 

to  my  insulters  without  incurring  risk  of  retaliation  in  kind. 

And,  on  returning  to  the  spot  with  a  large,  stout  constable,  I  had 


stout  constable." 


MARCH  14,  1896.]  ; 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


125 


the  [mortification  to  discover  that  ,ihe  two  impolite 
strange  rs  had  departed,  and  that  Misses  MANKLETOW  and 
SPINK  were  similarly  imperceptible. 
|  i However,  after  prolonged  search  and  mental  anxiety, 
I  (returned  alone,  and  was  rewarded  by  finding  my  fair 
friends  arrived  in  safety;  and  hearing  that  the  two 
strangers  had  explained,  in  the  gentlemanly  terms  of 
an  apology,  that  they  had  mistaken  them  for  acquaint- 
ances. 

Consequently  I  am  thankful  that  I  did  not  execute 
my  design  of  assault  and  battery,  more  especially  as  I 
am  the  happy  receiver  of  many  handsome  compliments 
on  all  sides  upon  the  taotfulness  and  savoir  faire  with 
which  I  extricated  myself  from  my  shocking  fix. 

At  which  my  countenance  beams  with  the  shiny 
resplendency  of  self-satisfaction. 


ROUNDABOUT    READINGS. 

MOKE  .ABOtT  OLD  SBBVASTS. 

I  IEFI  c  ff  last  week  haying  said  but  little  on  the  general 
character  of  old  and  faithful  servants— the  epithets  in 
this  connection  are  practically  synonymous.  Feudalism 
as  a  vital  force  has  vanished  from  the  land,  but  in  the 
relation  of  an  old  servant  to  the  family  he  has  served 
something  of  feudalism  still  lingers,  something  that 
enables  one  to  understand  the  deep  devotion  of  mediaeval 
retainers  to  their  house  and  the  fatherly  interest  of  the 
lord  in  his  dependants.  It  is  curious  how,  as  the  years 

Si  by,  the  ancient  butler  or  body- servant  assimilates 
e  characteristics  of  the  master  he  admires ;  imitates, 
let  us  say,  his  little  bursts  of  temper,  his  manner  of  bear- 
ing himself,  his  walk,  the  fashion  of  his  ties,  and  his  way 
of  wearing  his  hat,  and  offers  to  a  different  circle  a 
reproduction,  as  close  as  circumstances  will  permit,  of  the 
general  air  of  his  beloved  master.  One  venerable  servitor 
of  this  kind  it  was  my  lot  to  know,  and  I  shall  never 
forget  the  old  man's  grief  and  vexation  when  his  master, 
who  had  long  worn  his  collars  turned  down,  was 
suddenly  converted  to  the  stick-up  variety.  It  was  as 
though  the  face  of  the  world  had  been  completely 
changed,  so  difficult  did  he  find  it  to  accommodate  him- 
self to  his  master's  new  appearance. 

/'Or  course,"  he  observed,  "  Mr.  B.  looks  well  in  that 
kind  of  collar — he'd  look  well  in  anything;  but  there 
was  a  Eomething  about  the  old  ones  which  I  can't  get  in 
this  new  lot.  It  isn't  for  me  to  make  a  remark,  but 
there,  Sir,  don't  y_ou  think  them  turn-downs  gave  him  a 
bl 


A   STORY   WITHOUT   WORDS. 


sucK-up. '  JACKSOK,"  i  retorteo,  im  willing  to 
stake  my  fortune  you  '11  be  in  stick-ups  yourself  before  a  month  is 
past."  "Me,  Sir?  Never!"  But  in  a  fortnight  the  old  fellow 
was  in  stick-ups,  and  went  about  his  work  as  if  he  had  never 
worn  any  other  Kind.  He  used  t)  be  very  severe,  I  remember,  with 
the  younger  members  of  the  family,  and  used  to  hurl  at  them  curious 
and  terrible  compound  oaths  which  he  had  contrived,  so  he  said,  to 
manufacture  during  his  foreign  wanderings  ia  attendance  upon 
his  master.  "  Sakrabilliapolakadonia,  Master  FBEDDY,  will  you 
stop  making  that  noise  outside  your  father's  libery  door,"  or 
"  Jessessamanessy,  Master  DICK,  if  I  ketch  you  stealing  another 
of  your  father's  cambric  hankerchers  you  and  me  will  have 
to  part;  the  re's  no  two  words  about  that.  These  are  two  of  the 
awful  phrases  I  have  heard  him  use.  The  youngsters,  I  am  sorry  to 
say,  used  to  laugh  at  him,  and  take  a  fiendish  delight  ia  irritating 
him  almost  beyond  endurance. 

THE  old  servant,  however,  is  to  be  known  not  merely  by  his  venerable 
and  awe-inspiring  appearance.  That,  of  oourset  is  one  mark,  but  it  is 
not  invariably  found.  ^  The  most  certain  indications  are,  first,  an 
absolute  devotion  to  his  master  and  mistress  ;  second,  a  fatherly 
interest  in  the  younger  members  of  the  family  ;  and  third,  a  claim, 
which  is  never  contested,  to  be  consulted  in  all  family  arrangements, 
and  to  have  his  views  treated  with  deferential  respect.  The  devotion 
does  not  exclude  criticism,  the  fatherly  interest  often  entails  dis- 
approval of  pranks  to  which  boya  and  girls  all  the  world  over  are 
prone.  But  as  against  the  rest  of  the  world  the  family  is,  in  the  eyes 
of  the  old  servant,  composed  of  immaculate  paragons,  and  woe  betide 
the  rash  outsider  who  ventures  to  hint  a  fault  in  any  one  of  them.  And 
the  boys  and  girls,  though  they  may  grow  up  and  pass  out  into  the 
world  and  become  in  their  turn  fathers  and  mothers,  are,  to  the  old 
servant,  children  to  the  end  of  the  chapter,  children  who  have  to  be 
protected  against  themselves,  and  whose  wayward  dispositions  must 
always  involve  them  in  scrapes,  out  of  which  only  an  old  servant's 


loyal  ingenuity  can  extricate  them.  And  how  cheerfully  the"  old 
fellow's  face  glows,  how  warm  is  his  faithful  welcome  when  the 
captain  returns  from  India,  or  the  daughter  of  the  house  comes  back 
for  a  time  to  the  parental  nest  with  anew  little  fledgeling  in  her  arms. 
Old  servants  and  dogs — these  are  the  only  classes  in  which  you  find 
unquestioning  faith  and  an  attachment,  rooted  deep  down  in  their 
very  being,  which  nothing  can  alter  or  destroy. 

As  I  write  there  arrives  a  further  communication  relative  to  Mrs. 
WATSON,  of  whose  table-talk  I  gave  a  specimen  last  week.  Here  is 
another : — 

"  We  'ad  a  garden,  BOBBINSKY  and  me,  size  of  a  pocket-' anky- 
chif,  at  Tottenham,  where  my  brother  'e  used  to  come  of  a  Sunday 
mornin'  with  a  pennywuth  o'  mixed  seeds  in  'is  pockets,  all  sorts ; 
and  after  cleanin'  the  boots  for  me,  which  BOBBINSET  bein'  a  Pole 
and  proud  never  would  do,  but  my  brother  o'  course  'ad  been  a 
dragoon  and  learnt  to  be  'andy,  'e  used  to  plarnt  them  seeds  all 
over  the  place,  and  sich  a  crush  when  they  all  begun  a  oomin'  up, 
and  no  room  for  'em — it  was  'ere  am  I  and  where  are  you — but  my 
brother  'e  said  when  some  of  'em  died  down  the  others  would  be  a 


where  the  roots  was.  Still  it  was  pretty  cheery,  and  BOBBINSKY  'e 
rigged  up  a  plank  or  two,  with  a  nice  piece  of  tarpaulin'  over  the  top, 
and  read  'is  noospaner  there  of  a  Sunday  mornin',  and  said  it  rather 
reminded  'im  of  Poland.  BOBBINSKY,  pore  fellow,  'e  died  soon 
arter  we  left  Tottenham  of  a  ploral  noomoma,  which  is  when  you  'ave 
it  in  both  lungs  they  call  it  ploral.  But  there,  single  noomonia  is  bad 
enough  I  say." 

UTAH  has  just  been  admitted  into  the  American  Union.    It  surely 
will  be  known  as  the  Matrimonial  State. 


126 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  14,  1896. 


CHERCHEZ 


FEMME." 


"I    8KB  YOU  CHARGE  ME   ELEVENPENCE   FOR   TOUR   MUTTON,   MB.    BARTON.      WHY    IS    IT 

MR.  READ  IN  THE  HIGH  STREET  LETS  ME  HAVE  IT  FOR  TBNPENCE  ? " 

"I  'M  SURE,  M'M,  I  COULDN'T  SAY— UNLESS  IT  's  HE  's  TAKEN  A  FANCY  TO  YOU,  M'M  I" 


"  CLIENTS  FEEL  CHEAP  TO-DAY." 

THE  "World's  Great  Marriage  Mart  1 "  Its 
fate 

Shows  it  a  trap  for  he's ; 
"  Good  figures  "  figured  in  the  bait,— 

And  also  in  the  fees ! 

A  "  better  half"  it  might  sometimes 

Provide  for  chaps  with  pelf ; 
But  always  grabbed— chief  of  its  crimes — 

The  best  half  for  itself. 

The  "turnover "  nine  thou.,  we  learned, 

Which  yearly  did  increase ; 
But  now  its  managers  are  turned 

Over  to  the  police  I 


With  Eve  in  tow,  and  dupes  to  bleed, 
It  swam  along  quite  gaily ; 

Till  the  "  Old  Adam  "  of  its  greed 
Ended  in  the  Old  Bailey. 


"THE  BOARD  OF  TRADE  RETURNS,"  was 
the  heading  of  an  article  in  the  St.  James's 
Gazette.  "  Dear  me !  "  observed  an  en- 
lightened reader,  "  what  holidays  these 
officials  do  have !  How  long  has  the  Board 
been  away  ?  " 

ME.  SAMUEL  STOREY  DECLINES  A  TESTI- 
MONIAL.— He  thanks  Mr.  CALVERT  and  the 
Liberal  Association,  but  as  to  a  testimonial, 
he  says,  "Not  for  me;  that's  quite  another 
Storey  I" 


THE  IKON  AGE. 

From  "  The  World,"  June,  1900. 

THE  first  meet  of  the  0  ut-of-Hand  Club  last 
week  was  a  great  success,  no  fewer  than  six- 
teen automobile  coaches  assembling  at  the 
Magazine.  Lord  PENNINGTON'S  turn-out,  as 
usual,  was  the  object  of  general  admiration ; 
the  brass-  work  of  his  engine  was  in  perfect 
order,  and  he  handled  the  lever  with  all  his 
accustomed  skill.  That  post  of  honour,  the 
stoker's  seat,  was  occupied  by  Lady  VERA 
PLANTAGENET.  Sir  THOMAS  JONES'S  petro- 
leum-oar was  also  worthy  of  notice,  although 
some  of  the  critics  thought  that  the  odour  of 
the  oil  was  a  little  excessive.  Punctually  at 
three  o'clock,  to  the  cheery  blast  of  the  steam- 
whistles,  the  procession  started  for  Greenwich. 
Unfortunately  Mr.  RBDDINGTON'S  accumula- 
tors refused  to  act,  so  that  his  electric  coach 
was  left  standing,  and  had  ultimately  to  be 
towed  home  by  a  traction-engine.  Close  to 
Greenwich,  too,  another  casualty  occurred,  as 
Lord  COBBLE'S  car  suddenly  bolted  down-hill. 
We  believe  that  a  few  pedestrians  were  killed, 
but  fortunately  no  real  harm  was  done. 

WE  regret  to  have  to  record  the  death, 
under  melancholy  circumstances,  of  the  Duke 
of  PUDDLETON.  His  Grace  was  extremely 
anxious  to  take  part  in  the  Division  of  last 
Tuesday  on  the  Infants'  Suffrage  Bill.  He 
drove  to  the  House  of  Lords  in  his  steam-car- 
liage,  and,  fearing  that  he  would  not  arrive  in 
time  to  vote,  he  rashly  sat  upon  the  safety- 
valve.  He  was  said  by  the  passers-by  to  have 
been  travelling  fuJly  at  the  rate  of  a  mile  a 
minute  when  the  boiler  exploded.  We  hear 
that  such  fragments  of  his  Grace  as  were  after- 
wards collected  are  to  be  interred  to-morrow. 
* 

To  those  ladies  of  weak  nerves  who  are  un- 
able to  ride  a  bicycle,  and  find  the  ordinary 
automobile  machine  too  skittish,  we  may  con- 
fidently recommend  Messrs.  DOBB'S  new  minia- 
ture steam-rollers,  each  of  which  is  warranted 
quiet  to  ride  and  drive.  Several  of  these  dainty 
engines,  tastefully  painted  in  art  colours,  have 
lately  been  seen  in  the  Park. 

A  COMPLAINT  comes  from  the  Household 
Cavalry  that  it  is  extremely  difficult  to  ride 
their  new  bicycle- chargers  in  the  regulation 
top-boots.  Hitherto  their  protests  have  met 
with  no  attention  at  the  hands  of  the  War 
Office,  and  we  suppose  that  the  usual  red- 
tape  difficulties  will  be  urged  against  any 
change.  Yet  the  War  Office  can  be  radical 
enough  on  occasion.  It  is  actually  proposed 
to  repaint  in  a  darker  colour  the  famous  white 
machines  of  the  Scots  Greys,  on  the  plea  that 
the  present  hue  would  be  too  conspicuous  on 

the  battle-field! 

* 

*  * 

WE  omitted  to  mention  at  the  time  the  last 
meet  of  the  Pvtchley,  which  took  placa  some 
weeks  ago.    The  scent  was  exceedingly  well 
laid,  the  paper  being  sufficiently  thick  to  pre- 
vent any  check  all  through  the  run.  Amongst 
the  first  to  reach  home  was  that  well-known 
rider  Miss  BUSTER,  who  was  mounted  on  a 
"Scorcher"  racer,  which  carried  her  admi- 
rably.    There   is   tome  talk  of   continuing 
Eaper-chasing  in  the  shires  all  the  year  round 
?r  the  fntuie. 
* 

*  * 

LOVERS  of  natural  history  will  te  glad  to 
hear  that  a  specimen  of  that  almost  extinct 
quadruped,  the  horse,  was  captured  in  Devon- 
shire last  week.  Seven  gamekeepers  had 
attempted  to  shoot  it,  but  fortunately  with- 
out success.  It  was  taken  alive,  and  removed 
to  the  Zoological  gardens.  Doubtless  its  pre- 
sence there  will  attract  crowds  of  visitors 
during  the  next  few  weeks. 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI— MARCH  14,  1896. 


'WELL  MATCHED." 

OOM  PAUL  (to  "  Pushful  Joe:')— "  LOOK  HERE!    PUSH-STROKE  BARRED  YOU  KNOW!!" 


MARCH  14,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


129 


'FOR  THE  CROWN";  OR,  MICHAEL  AND  HIS  BAD  ANGEL. 

MBS.  PAT  CAMPBELL,  Miss  EMEBY,  Mr.  DALTON,  Mr.  IAN  and  Mr. 
FOBBES  ROBEBTSON,  appear  triumphantly  in  case  For  the  Crown 


Princess  Bazilide — rather  an  unfortunate  name  to  pronounce, 
since  it  sounds  as  if  any  actor,  who  has  to  epeak  of  or  to  her,  was 


"A  WBIGGLEB,  TWISTBK!" 
Mrs.  Patrick  Campbell  in  the  new  Serpentine  Squirm. 

at  Lyceum.  The  scenic  artists  Brother  RYAN  and  Sister  HANN  have 
excelled  themselves.  CBAVEN'S  picture  of  Trajan's  Arch  most 
picturesque.  Admirable  is  equestrian 
statue  of  "Warrior  King  of  Widdin, 
erected  to  celebrate  a  battle  and  a 
Widdin  on  the  same  day,  modelled  by 
Mr.  LTJCCHESI  (an*  sure  the  figure  does 
look  aisy  on  his  horse),  which  leaves  all 
previous  stage  statues  far  behind,  includ- 
ing our  old  friend  the  Statue  of  the  Com- 
mendatore  in  Don  Giovanni. 

The  worst  of  a  stage  statue  is  that  so 
much  is  expected  of  it.  If  it  doesn't 
descend,  or  nod,  or  show  itself  to  be 
"  something  striking,"  the  audience  is 
apt  to  be  disappointed.  Fortunately  in 
for  the  Crown,  the  interest  felt  in  the 
fate  of  Constantine-Forbes-Brancomir- 
JRobertson  ^and  of  Mrs.  Patrick-Militza- 
Campbell  is  so  absorbing  that  the  statue 
hasn't  a  chance  against  them.  True  that 
FOBBES  ROBEBTSON  does  place  his  face, 
profile-wise,  against  the  pedestal,  as  if 
giving  the  statue  "  a  bit  of  his  cheek," 


put  as  the  statue,  though  very  much  "  up 
in  the  ^stirrups,"  remains  unmoved,  the 
public  interest  in  the  effigy  soon  dies  out. 

Mrs.  PAT  CAMPBELL,  who  was  a  lost 
angel  to  FOBBES  ROBEBTSON  and  ENBY 
HAT/THOB  JONES  as  Michael's  Angel  in  the 
short-lived  clerical  drama,  now  reappears 
as  a  warning  angel,  not,  'however,  to 
Michael  (his  full  title  is  Prince  Michael 
Brancomir),  but  to  Constantine  his  son. 
In  this  piece  the  good  angel  is  Mrs.  PAT 
CAMPBELL,  and  the  bad  angel,  Miss 
EMEBY.  After  a  most  trying  scene, 
splendidly  acted  by  Messrs.  DALTON  and 
ROBEBTSON,  Constantine  slays  his  father 
Michael,  who  has  been  trying  to  "  save 
his  beacon,"  which  Constantine- Robert- 
son immediately  kindles,  and  in  a  second, 
before  you  can  say  knife,  all  the  fat  is  in 
the  fire  I 

Stephen,  the  Warrior-King-Bishop,  an 
amiable  representative  of  the  Church 
Militant,  is  impressively  rendered  by  Mr. 
IAN  ROBEBTSON. 


Lady  Winifred-  Emery-  Macbeth,  Junior  (to  her  husband).  "Fancy!  To 
be  a  king  !  to  have  your  hair  cut  !  !  and  to  wear  a  nice  new  royal  dressing- 
gown  !  !  !  Infirm  or  purpose  !  How  can  you  hesitate  '?  " 

suffering  from  a  severe  "  cold  id  de  dose,"  and  was  trying  his  best 
to  say  "  Yaseline  "—  is  played  with  all  the  "Emery  powder"  that 
Miss  WINIFBED  can  put  into  the 
character.  Miss  Emery-  Bazilide  is  this 
"Michael's"  Bad  Angel,  and  is  intended 
to  be  a  fascinating  Lady  Macbeth 
Junior.  Would  it  not  add  to  the  attrao- 
lion,  if,  on  three  days  of  the  week,  Mrs. 
PAT  were  to  play  Bazilide  and  Miss 
EMEBY  Militza,  and  on  the  other  three 
vice  versa,  and  toss  up  for  parts  at 
matinees?  These  two  women  never 
meet,  and  consequently  never  have  a 
great  scene  to  themselves. 

Mr.  MACKINTOSH,  disguised  as  a  min- 
strel, with  an  instrument  which  he  can't 
play,  and  without  a  song,  is,  musically, 
disappointing  :  but  he  is  all  there  as  a 
"  secret  agent  of  the  Sultan,"  and  per- 
haps might  just  now  find  diplomatic 
employment  between  St.  Petersburg  and 
Constantinople.  CABL  ABMBBUSTEB'S 
music  is  in  keeping  with  the  general 
excellence  that  marks  the  entire  ^ro- 
duction.  FBAN^OIS  COPPEE'S  [original 
French  play  may  be  poetically  brilliant, 
but  that  it  is  so  cannot  be  gathered  from 
Mr.  JOHN  DAVIDSON'S  version  of  it.  Had 
COPPEE  and  DAVIDSON  been  dramatists, 
they  would  have  given  a  grand  scene  to 
the  two  heroines.  Not  too  late  now. 
However,  "  leave  well  alone  "  is  a  good 
rule,  and  Mr.  FOBBES  ROBEBTSON  may 
re  at  content  with  its  success. 

UBBI  ET  OBBI.  —  Mr.  Punch  begs  to 
inform  everyone  everywhere  that  no 
number  of  his  immortal  publication 
will  again  bear  date  "  Saturday,  Feb- 
ruary 29,"  until  the  year  1992.  Friends 
at  a  distance  and  subscribers  yet  unborn 
will  please  accept  this  intimation. 

INDISPOTABLE.  —  When  a  Lord  Chan- 
cellor quits  office  he  gets  the  Order  of 
the  Woolsack. 


Forbes  Robertson.  "  The  play  wants  lightening. 
Ha !  ha  !  a  Blaze  of  Triumph I" 


Here  goes  !     ENGLISH  ADAPTATION  OF  TBANSVAAX. 
—Cross  country. 


130 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  14,  1896. 


THINGS  ONE  WOULD  HAVE  EXPRESSED  DIFFERENTLY. 


"HOtV  ARE  YOU,   OLD  CHAP?     ABB  YOU  KEEPING  STRONG?" 

"No  ;  ONLY  J0sr  MANAGING  TO  KEEP  our  OF  u?  GRAVE  ' 

"OH,    I    M  SORRY  TO   BEAR  THAT  1  " 


AN  IMPERIAL  INTERVIEW. 

Brussels,  March  4,  1896. 

SIE, — Armed  with  your  credentials,  I  had  no  difficulty  in  obtaining 
an  interview  with  the  August  Personage,  whose  name  it  is  as  well  not 
to  mention  in  view  of  1  he  perturbed  state  of  Europe.  I  found  him  at 
his  Imperial  Castle  of  Pans  mutter  (it  is  best  to  be  discreet),  busily 
engaged,  with  a  large  map  of  the  world  before  him,  in  planning,  as  I 
imagined,  some  delightful  foreign  trips.  As  I  entered  his  study  he 
was  tinging,  to  a  not  unfamiliar  air,  the  following  words  :— 

"  Rule,  rule  the  KAISER, 

He  rules  the  earth  and  waves, 

And  Teutons  ever,  ever  must  be  slave  B." 

"Words  and  music  mine  own,"  he  said,  with  some  touch  of  pride, 
as  he  begged  me,  as  he  expressed  it,  "  to  come  to  an  anchor."  I  was 
struck  by  the  August  One's  attire.  On  his  head  he  wore  an  eagled 
helmet ;  his  coat  was,  if  I  mistake  not,  the  full-dress  swallow-tail  of 
a  British  admiral,  and  his  legs  displayed  the  tight  red  continuations 
of  a  hussar,  together  with  a  pair  of  long  sea-boots.  The  August  One 
evidently  noticed  my  surprise  at  his  original  costume,  for  he  observed 
gravely,  "  I  am  the  imper  Bonification  of  the  Army  and  the  Navy  com- 
bined. I  am,  as  it  were,  Mars- Neptune,  formidable,  awe-striking, 
not  to  be  contradicted.  You  see,"  he  added,  pointing  to  the  map ;  "  I 
am,  as  is  my  custom,  amusing  myself  with  a  little  frame  of  Inter- 
national Harum-Scirum— my  own  invention  and  sufficiently  enter- 
taining." I  begged  the  August  One  to  explain.  He  graciously 
acceded  to  my  request. 

"  Here,  for  instance,  is  Constantinople.  A  lot  of  Powers  are 
knocking  at  the  Porte— joke  of  my  own,  legistered  for  my  next  comic 
opera.  I  encourage  them  to  go  on  knocking,  but  I  also  tell  him  who 
has  the  key  to  be  sure  and  not  open  the  door.  One  of  the  Powers 
knocks  louder  than  the  others ;  instantly,  in  the  twinkle  of  an  eye 
(augenblick),  I  suggest  to  a  good  friend  across  the  Atlantic  that  this 
noisy  Power  is  about  to  poach  on  his  territorial  preserves.  The  good 
friend  takes  the  bait  and  threatens  the  noisy  Power,  who  instantly 
suspends  his  knocking,  and,  before  he  can  begin  again,  I  myself  put 
salt,  manufactured  solely  in  Teutonia,  on  his  leonine  tail  by  means 
of  another  friend  in  South  Africa.  Two  Powerp,  who  are  allied  to 


me  as  chestnut-out-of-the-fire-pickers,  become  too  intimate.  Heigh 
presto !  in  an  instant  I  frighten  one  with  an  apparition  of  a  Great 
Bear  in  the  Balkan  provinces,  and  I  provide  the  other  with  terrible 
war-dancing  in  Eastern  Africa.  The  Great  Bear  himself  is  not 
inclined  to  dance  just  now,  but  he  shall  foot  the  Zardas  before  I 
have  done  with  him.  For  my  most  conceited  neighbour,  you  know 
to  whom  I  refer,  I  prepared  a  pretty  pic-nio  among  the  morasses  of 
Madagascar.  I  have  also,  to  his  eyer-to-be-regretted  cost,  invited 
him  to  have  high  words  with  the  noisy  Power  about  the  flesh  pots  of 
Egypt.  A  conceited  Iberian  monkey  has,  on  more  than  one  occasion, 
made  rude  faces  at  me.  It  less  time  than  it  takes  to  smoke  a  Cuban 
cigar,  I  have  induced  my  good  Tranelantic  friend  to  pull  his  ears, 
and  I  have,  for  the  chattering  magpie  next  door  to  him,  a  rod  in 
pickle,  which  shall  be  laid  on  not  a  thousand  leagues  from  Delagoa 
Bay.  In  the  far  East  I  stage-managed  a  very  effective  drama  in 
which  celestial  pigtails  got  handsomely  japanned,  and  I  am  busily 
preparing  another  wondrously- intricate  piece  of  the  same  nature. 

entertained." 


the  eagle  on 

his  helmet  knocked  some  drops  off  the  crystal  chandelier.     "  I  shall 
soon  be  master  of  the  universe,  sun,  mo  HI,  and  stars  included." 

At  this  moment  an  individual  in  uniform  glided  into  the  room,  and, 
with  respectful  obeisance,  presented  a  note,  heavily  sealed  with  red  wax, 
to  the  August  One.  He  tore  it  open  with  a  triumphant  smile ;  but,  as 
he  read,  his  countenance  changed  to  an  expres.ion  of  concentrated 
fury. 

' '  Beasts  I  brutes  I  Unmentionable  scoundrels  I  "  he  cried  savagely ; 
and  then  perceiving  me,  he  crumpled  up  the  missive  and  flung  it  full 
in  my  face.  Clutching  the  precious  document  in  my  right  hand,  and 
forgetting  to  pick  up  my  hat  and  umbrella,  I  fled  from  the  palace 
and  rushed  to  the  railway  station.  The  Brussels  express  was  just 
leaving,  and  I  sank  exhausted  on  the  velvet  cushions  of  a  first-class 
carriage.  What  a  terrible  journey  all  on  your  account.  Happily  I 
was  not  pursued.  Not  till  we  had  passed  the  frontier  did  I  remove 
the  letter  from  my  boot  and  devour  its  contents.  It  ran  as  follows  :  — 

"  SIRE, — The  Reichstag  declines  to  spend  another  mark  on  never- 
to-be-satisfied  naval  armaments. — Your  devoted,  VON  M." 

Now  I  understand  the  August  One's  wrath,  and  so  I  hope  do  you. 
Awaiting  the  ever-beneficial  and  welcome  cheque,  I  am 

YOUR  SPECIAL  CORRESPONDENT. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

TBS  Most  Gorgeous  Lady  Blessington  !  An  attractive  title ! 
Open  Mr.  FITZGBRALD  MOILOY'S  book,  and  regard  Sir  TBOMAS  LAW- 
RENCE'S portrait  of  the  Most  Gorgeous  herself  1  A  lovely  woman 
truly.  Count  D'OHPAY  was  not  much  of  an  artist,  but  he  knew  a 
pretty  woman  when  he  saw  one,  and  the  Baron  en-dorsay's  the 
Count's  opinion.  Poor  "  Gorgeous"  one !  This  name  was  fathered 
on  her  by  Dr.  PAKE.  The  earliest  portion  i-f  her  existence  was 
sad ;  so  wai  the  latest.  In  media,  gloriossissima  !  She  belonged 
to  the  Book  of  Beauty  and  Keepsake  period.  MAI  CARET  POWBH 
had  a  rough  time  of  i "-  in  her  father's  house,  and  a  still  rougher  ia 
that  of  her  husband,  Mr.  FARMER.  Then,  by  the  advice  of  a  "  kind- 
hearted,  honourable  man,"  MAGGIE  FARMER  farmed  htrself  out  to  a 
protectionibt.  living  for  six  years  "  under  the  protection  of  Captain 
JENKINS,"  oblivious  of  her  Farmer  husband.  Suddenly  appeared  on 
the  scene  my  Loid  BLESSINGTON,  widower.  "  When  first  he  saw 
sweet  PEGGY,"  as  the  song  has  it,  the  Earl  desired  to  possess  her: 
whereupon  unselfish  JENKINS  nobly  effaced  himself,  on  consideration 
of  ten  thousand  pounds  paid  to  him  by  my  Lord  BLESSINGTON  ;  bat 
before  The  Gorgeous  MARGARET  could  obtain  a  divorce,  her  husband, 
the  fuddled  FARMER,  during  a  drunken  orgie,  tumbled  out  of  a 
first-floor  window,  and  ended  his  evening,  and  his  days,  in  Middle- 
sex Hospital.  Tnen  No>le  Earl  made  P£GGY  Countess,  and  from 
that  time  forth  till  Nobh  Earl  paid  debt  of  nature,  leaving  £2000 
per  annum  to  his  widow,  the  Gorgeous  PEGGY  was  Gorgeous  indeed ! 
Not  a  germs  but  was  licnised  by  her.  She  must  have  laughed  in 
her  sleeve  (where  is  her  real  diary  ia  Pepysian  cipher  ?)  at  all  the 
geniuses,  with  the  exception  of  Count  D'OfiSAY,  with  whom  she 
subsequently  lived;  and  in  death  they  were  not  divided,  as  tleir 
stone  sarcophagi  stand  side  by  side,  having  been  designed  and  so 
placed  by  D'OBSAY  himsdf ;  the  one  for  Girgtous  PEGGY,  who  died 
in  1849,  and  the  other  for  the  Count,  who  became  a  "Count  Oat" 
in  1852.  In  the  very  fall  cast  ( f  dramatis  per son ce  the  characters  of 
Lord  BYRON  and  the  Countess  GUICCIOLI  are  the  most  interesting. 
In  any  society,  be  it  were  it  may,  there  is  always  a  bore,  aid  the 
representative  of  this  genus  in  this  company  is  WALTER  SAVAGE 
LANDOR.  Whether  he  writes  or  speaks  he  is  tedious.  What  a  scene 
in  Vanity  Fair  it  all  is  1  What  showv  puppets  are  the  Most  Gor- 
geous Lady  and  the  Brilliantly  French  Polished  Count  I  As  a  study 
of  this  artificial  period  Mr.  FITZGERAID  MOLLOY'S  Gorgeous  Lady 
Elessington,  in  two  volumes,  from  DOWNEY  &  Co.'s,  is  highly 
recommended  by  THE  BAROJT. 


MARCH  14,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


131 


THE    MUZZLING    REGULATIONS. 

ANOTHER  CTJLPBIT. 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  March  2. — 
Nothing  could  exceed  the  solicitude  with  which 
JOKIM,  expounding  his  naval  scheme,  contem- 
plated the  probable  feelings  of  foreign  Powers 
when  they  learn  how  the  British  Fleet  is  to  be 
strengthened.  "  You  really  mustn't,"  he  said, 
glancing  across  the  silver  streak,  "compare  this 
trifling  amount  of  twenty-two  millions  spent  on  »'>j 

our  Navy,  with  the  francs,  or  marks,  or  roubles, 
or  lire  you  layieh  on  your  puny  fleets.  Just  think 
of  your  armies.  Britannia  has  no  army  worth 
speaking'  of;  no  towers  along  her  steep;  her 
march  is  o'er  the  mountain  wave,  her  home  is 
on  the  deep.  So  of  course  we  must  make  our- 
selves at  home  there.  Nothing  farther  from  our 
thoughts  or  intention  than  threatening  you.  In 
fact,  if  you  look  at  it  in  the  proper  light,  you 
will  see  that  this  expenditure  and  this  labour 
are  incurred  solely  for  your  benefit.  Think  how 
much  more  valuable  we  are  made  to  any  friends 
of  ours !  That 's  the  proper  way  to  look  at  it." 

House  much  pleased  at  this  way  of  putting 
things ;  hope  same  point  of  view  will  be  accepted 
at  Berlin  and  other  places  where  England  is 
loved.  Seventeen  millions-and-a-half  is  the 
amount  of  additional  expenditure  involved  in 
scheme.  A  tidy  turn,  which  House  faced  with 
equanimity.  HICKS-  BEACH  has  behaved  nobly. 
As  JOKIM  phrased  it,  "the  CHANCELLOB  OP 
THE  EXCHEQTJEB  will  generously  put  aside  the 
surplus  of  this  year  to  meet  the  expenditure 
under  the  Naval  Works  Bill,  which  will  amount 
to  five  millione-and-a-half. 


would  act  in  so  princely  a  manner ;  and  BO  quietly  too.    SABK  tells 
me  he  hears  HICKS-BEACH  wanted  to  act  anonymously  in  the  matter. 
"  Puf  it  down  from)*  A  friend,' "  he  said  to  JOKIM,  when  volunteer- 
ing the  little  sum. 

JOKIM,  not  to  be  outdone  in  generosity,  de- 
clined. 

"  No,  HICKS-BEACH,"  he  said ;  "  a  man  who 
would  put  his  hand  in  his  pocket,  take  out 
somebody  else's  five  millions-and-a-half,  and 
lay  it  on  the  altar  of  his  country,  deserves  to 
have  his  name  publicly  mentioned ;  and  I  shall 
do  it." 

So  HICKS-BEACH  had  to  sit  there  blushing 
whilst  the  House  rang  with  applause  at  his 
unparalleled  generosity.  Only  the  SQUIKE  OF 
MALWOOD  unresponsive. 

"  Yes,"  he  said,  with  something  more  nearly 
approaching  a  sneer  than  is  accustomed  to  find 
expression  on  his  benevolent  countenance, 
"they've  got  the  men,  they've  got  the  ships, 
and  they  've  got  our  money,  too." 

Business  done.  —  New  Naval  Scheme  ex- 
ilained.  Colossal  generouty  of  a  right  hon. 
Member. 

Tuesday. — ASHMEAD-BABTLETT,  like  other 
forms  of  adversity,  has  his  uses.  In  the  last 
Parliament  there  were  Members  who  affected 
belief  that  he  was  in  the  secret  pay  of  EDWABD 
GBEY  and  SYDNEY  BTJXTON.  Certainly  he  did 
much  to  improve  and  establish  the  reputation 
of  those  eminent  statesmen.  Whenever  the 
course  of  fv«nts,  whether  in  connection  with 
Foreign  Office  or  Colonial  Office,  tended  to 
make  matters  embarrassing  for  Ministers  from 
Party  point  of  view,  up  jumped  SILOMIO, 
dashed  in  with  ridiculous  question  which  gave 


"WHO  SAID  ATBOCHM(-MONGBHS)  !" 

A  Study  of  a  Volcano  recently  extinct,  not  from - 

inat  something  like  generosity.    Possibly  no  any  failure  in  the  supply  of  lava,  but  the  cold  the  Minister  concerned  opportunity  01  tripping 
country  but  England  possesses  a  citizen  who  stream  of  facts  has  been  too  much  for  it !  him  up,  whacking  him  about  the  head,  and, 


132 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  14,  1896. 


amid  the  cheers  and  laughter  occasioned  by  incident,  walking  off 
reinstated. 

To-night  EDWARD  GKET  placed  under  renewed  obligations  from  same 
quarter.  SAM  SMITH  submitted  cat  e  of  Armenia  in  one  of  those  forceful, 


The  Latest  Surprise  from  the  Transvaal. 

pregnant,  stirring  speeches  which  are  all  too  brief  for  appetite  of  de- 
lighted House.  EDWARD  GREY  about  to  follow  when  SILOMIO  took  the 
floor.  Evidently  in  best  form;  his  noble  nature  stirred  to  deepest 
depths  by  aspersions  upon  the  gentle  Turk.  It  waa  true  that,  against 
his  will,  in  anguished  suppression  of  his  instincts,  Turk  had  butchered 
a  few  Armenians,  including  women  and  children.  But  it  was  all  the 
fault  of  SAM  SMITH.  With  terrible  voice,  with  fat  forefinger 
ominously  shaken  in  his  direction,  SILOMIO  denounced  the  blameless 
SAMUEL  and  "his  co-atrocity-mongers,"  as  directly  responsible  for 
any  little  misunderstanding  that  may  have  arisen  between  the 
Turks  and  their  Christian  fellow-subjects,  resulting  in  bayoneting, 
burning  alive,  dismembering,  and  other  extreme  controversial  pro- 
ceedings. After  this  blatant  performance— suggestive  in  tone  and 
manner,  as  SABK  says,  of  the  "Walk-up,  Walk-up  Gentleman  in 
front  of  the  fair  caravan  just  before  the  show  btgins — came  EDWARD 
( i  n  i:v  with  his  quiet  manner,  his  high  tone,  his  studiously  fair- 
mindedness.  To  nim  succeeded  GEORGE  CUBZOS  in  far  away  the 
best  speech  he  has  yet  made  in  the  House.  A  difficult  position  for 
the  spokesman  of  Foreign  Office  met  with  a  courage,  frankness  and 
dexterity  that  charmed  the  gathering  audience. 

"Nothing,  my  dear  TOBY,"  said  Prince  AETHUR,  looking  down 
from  the  pyramidal  heights  of  his  thirty-eight  years,  "has  for  a  long 
time  given  me  keener  pleasure  than  listening  to  these  two  speeches. 
Endurance  of  the  strength  and  fame  of  the  House  of  Commons  rests 
not  with  the  old  Parliamentary  Hands,  but  with  the  jeune  ecole.  As 
long  as  we  have  young  men  like  EDWAED  GREY  and  GEORGE  CURZON 
coming  forward,  so  long  will  the  Mother  House  of  Parliament  maintain 
her  high  reputation." 

Curious  to  find  PRINCE  ARTHUR  quite  naturally  assuming  these 
patriarchal  airs.  By-and-by  we  shall  have  him  adopting  Mr.  G.'s 
pet  phrase,  and  talking  solemnly  about  having  arrived  "  at  my  time 
of  life." 

Business  done. — Government  admit  they  can  do  nothing  to  help 
Armenia.  "Very  well,"  eays  the  House,  cheerfully;  "go  on  doing  it." 

Thursday.—  Dr.  TANNER  is  becoming  disappointed  with  the  new 
SPEAKER.  He  looks  so  bland,  has  such  pleasant  voice,  such  courteous 
manner.  Seems  as  if  you  could  do  anything  with  him.  TANNER 
discovers  that,  as  he  puts  it,  the  leg  is  on  the  other  boot.  No  chance 
for  a  sportive  member.  Only  yesterday  TANNER,  attempting  to  raise 
point  of  order  when  House  had  been  cleared  for  division,  had  every 
advantage  taken  of  him.  II  appened  to  be  sitting  under  gallery  above 
Gangway  when  opportunity  presented  itself.  Sprang  to  his  feet  to 
address  Chair.  That  he  knew  was  out  of  order.  Supposing  when 
debatelin  progress  a  Member  were  to  join  in  it  without  rising  from 


his  seat  or  taking  off  his  hat,  he  would  forthwith  be  haled  forth  and 
cast  into  lowest  dungeon  beneath  the  castle  moat.  On  the  contrary,  if, 
House  being  cleared  for  a  division,  a  Member  having  something  to 
say  courteously  rises,  bows  to  the  SPEAKER,  and  opens  his  mouth, 
tie  is  borne  down  with  angry  cries  of  "  Order  I  Order ! "  According 
to  fundamental  principle  of  British  Constitution,  a  Member  in  such 
circumstances  must  remain  seated,  press  his  hat  over  his  brows,  and 
cry  aloud,  "  Mr.  SPEAKER  1 " 

TANNER  wouldn't  have  minded  that,  only,  unfortunately,  hadn't 
pot  a  hat  handy.  Mr.  G.  once,  in  similar  circumstances,  accepted 
loan  of  FARRER  HERSCHEIX'S  hat — an  accidental  service  which  ulti- 
mately landed  the  then  Member  for  Durham  on  the  Woolsack. 
TANNER  having  no  Lord  Chanoellorships  to  give  away,  no  one  would 
[end  him  a  hat.  Before  he  could  "  convey  "  one,  opportunity  fled. 
When,  later,  he  attempted  to  recapture  it,  bellowing  "  No !  "  when 
SPEAKER  said  "The  Ayes  have  it,  SPEAKER  ignored  his  existence, 
and  declared  motion  carried. 

These  things  happened  yesterday.  "  I  '11  be  even  with  him  yet," 
said  this  relic  of  the  Old  Guard.  So  just  on  the  stroke  of  midnight, 
after  long  debate  on  Shipbuilding  Yote,  TANNER  rose.  If  he  spoke 
for  three  minutes  would  carry  debate  over  to  another  sitting.  PRINCE 
ARTHUR,  swift  as  hawk  on  hapless  pigeon,  pounced. 

"  I  beg  to  move,"  he  said,  "  that  the  question  be  now  put." 

"  Gag  I  Gag  I "  roared  TANNER  in  fury. 

Then  the  SPEAKER,  in  provokingly  quiet  manner,  observed,  that  if 
this  sort  of  thing  went  on  he  would  have  to  call  the  attention  of 
House  to  his  conduct.  "  And  this  is  a  so-called  free  country  I  "  said 
TANNER,  stamping  out  to  the  Division  Lobby. 

Butiness  done.— House  got  into  Committee  on  Shipbuilding  Vote. 

Friday. — SUTHERLAND,  K.C.M.G.,  back,  after  six  weeks  in  the 
alternating  sunshine  and  snow  of  Riviera.  "Hope  you  haven't 
been  overworking  yourself,"  I  said,  regarding  with  anxious  solicitude 
his  pensive  countenance. 

"  No,"  said  the  Chairman  of  the  P.  &  0..  with  hands  deep  in  his 
pockets,  and  a  far-away  look  in  his  eyes.  But  you  see,  a  big  con- 
cern like  ours  requires  constant  care  and  absolute  self-devotion  on  the 
part  of  those  who  manage  its  affairs.  One  must  have  his  eye  every- 
where. Bombay,  Calcutta,  Yokohama,  and  the  Australian  ports 
loom  large  on  our  list.  But  the  Chairman  must  also  keep  in  personal 
touch  with  smaller  ports,  such  as  Home,  Florence,  Cannes,  and 
Monte  Carlo." 

liusiness  done. — Well,  we  pretty  equally  divided  the  sitting 
between  a  local  Belfast  Bill  and  discussion  of  new  scheme  of  Naval 
Defence.  The  Belfast  Corporation  Bill,  as  more  important,  had 


"  It  had  been  said  that  such  ideas  as  he  held  were  prehistoric  doctrines. 
Well,  he  would  rather  have  the  doctrine  of  a  prehistoric  statesman  than  the 
ravings  of  an  up-to-date  Jingo.  (Laughter.')  What  was  the  good  of  a  man  if 
h«  had  to  walk  about  in  heavy  armour  all  his  life.  (Lattgkter.)" — Sir 
Wilfrid  Laivson,  March  6. 

precedence.  When  dinner  hour  approached,  and  most  Members, 
worn  out  with  squabble  in  back  streets  of  Derry,  had  gone  off  to 
dinner,  took  up  the  Navy  Votes. 


LIMERICK  "  TWIST"  FOR  NEW  YORK  "STRAIGHT  CUT."— On  the 
very  day  that  Lord  DUNRAVEN  was  expelled  from  the  New  York 
Yacht  Club,  he  was  appointed  Lord  Lieutenant  of  Limerick. 


MARCH  21,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI, 


133 


PARNASSUS  PRESERVED 

(From,  the  Machinations  of  Parker 
Smith  •. 

To""  edit  "jour  new  Laureate 

BALFOUB  at  once  refuses ; 
Since  no  department  of  the  State 

Is  managed  by  the  Muses. 
Poesy's  triumph  is  immense  I 

How  could  it  be  immenser  ? 
Although  incapable  of  sense 

She  doth  not  need  a  censor  I 
Sbe's  free  to  shirk  that  arduou-i  task 

Beauty  to  blend  with  high  sense ; 
And  is  not  called  upon  to  ask 

For  a  poetic  license. 


Mem.  for  Football  Prophets. 
THERE  is  many  a  slip 
'Twixt  the  Cap  and  the  "tip." 


VICE   VERSA. 

SIR  JOHN  MILL  A  is  is  not  in  com- 
plete possession  of  his  own  voice, 
thoueh  he  has  that  of  the  Academy, 
unanimously,  for  the  Presidency. 
Meeting  him  the  other  ?day,  a  sym- 
pathising *  friend  '  observed,  "  My 
dear  Sir  JOHN/ if  you  have  the 
Academy  dinner  this  year  you'll 
reouira  a  deputy  to  speak  for  you." 
"  I  can  get  a  lot  of  people  to  'speak 
for  me,'  bless  'em ! "  replied  the 
President.  "  You  see,"  he  con- 
tinued, "it  isn't  a  deputy  I  re- 
quire :  what  I  want  is,  as  a  coster 
would  huskily  call  it,  '  a  vice.' " 


A  PBACTICAL  SUGGESTION.— "WTiy 
should  not  the  sails  of  Lord  DCJN- 
EAVEN'S  new  yacht,  Can-ad,  be 
utilised  by  eminent  pill  makers  ? 


Doctor  (meeting  village  dame,  after  calling  on  her  husband}.  ' '  YOUE 
HUSBAND  's  VBET  LOW  1 " 

Wife.  "Oa,  MR.  BLANDFOED,  SIE  I    OH,  HE'S  ALLEBS  BEEN 

MOST  RSSPSCTABLX  !  " 


RUS  IN  URBE. 

(A  Cockney  Rhapsody.) 
As  I  stroll  through  Piccadilly, 
Scent  of  blossoms  borne  from  Scilly 
Greets  me.    Jonquil,  rose,  and  lily, 
Violet  and  daffydowndilly. 
Oh  the  feeling  sweet  and  thrilly 
That  these  blossoms  flounced  and 

frilly 

From  soft  plains  and  headlands  hilly 
Bring  my  breast  in  Piccadilly  I 
It  subdues  me  willy-nilly, 
Though  such  sentiment  seems  tilly, 
A  nd  a  bunch, dear,  buysyour  WILLY, 
To  dispatch,  by  post,  to  MILLY, 
Dwelling,  far  from  Piccadilly, 
In  moist  lowlands,  rushed  and  rilly, 
Blossomy  as  Penzance  or  Scilly. 
Sweets  to  the  sweet  1   "  Poor  Silly- 

BILLY!" 

You  may  say,  in  accents  trilly. 
When  the  postman  in.  the  stilly 
Eve,  from  distant  Piccadilly, 
Bears  this  box  of  rose  and  lily, 
Violet  and  daffodilly, 
To  the  rural  maiden,  MILLY, 
From  her  urban  lover, 

WILLY. 
P.S. 

Dry  as  toke  and  skilly, 
Is  this  arid  Piccadilly, 
Notwithstanding  rose  and  lily, 
All  the  beauteous  blooms  of  Scilly, 
Rsft  of   that  flower  of  flowers — 

MILLY. 
So,  at  least,  thinks 

"  SILLY  BILLY." 


A  CHIEL  NOTE-TAKEE. — A  canny 
Scot  suggests  that,  in  view  of  the 
many  unprotected  children  running 
about  the  crowded  high  road  of 
Kilburn,  the  place  should  be  re- 
named Kill-bairn.  Stick  to  your 
BUENS,  douce  mon  I 


A  WORD  AGAINST  GUSH, 
AND  FOE  "THE  OLD  GANG." 

(Nofjby  Alg-rn-n  Ch-rl-s  Sw-nb-rne.") 

THE  Queen  of  the  Sea  said  one  morning : 
"  Tne  mightiest  of  statesmen  on  earth 
Are  themes  for  the  lute-thrummer's  scorning, 
And  matters  for  minstrelish  mirth. 
With  bothers  and  pothers 
I  'm  haying  a  bad  time ; 
To  school  me,  and  rule  me 
I  '11  try  the  lords  of  rhyme. 

"  Their  verses  pipe  praise  of  my  story, 

My  power  is  the  theme  of  their  choice. 
The  wrath  of  my  waves  is  their  glory, 
Sea- storms,  they  declare,  are  my  voice. 
They  fear  it  who  hear  it. 

(Though  poets  have  told  me 
They  sicken,  sore- striken 
When  they  are  on  the  sea.) 

"  As  lords  of  my  fate  and  my  keepers, 

In  charge  of  my  shores  and  my  ships, 
I  Ml  try  these  sweet  chirpers  and  cheecers, 
Who  love  me  so  much — with  their  lips. 
They  're  haters  of  traitors, 

False  friends  or  foes  descried. 
They  '11  shatter  and  scatter 
My  foemen  far  and  wide. 

14  There 's  AIGEBNON,  rapid  in  rancour ; 

There 's  WILLIAM,  who  girds  at  Turk  guile ; 
There 's  ALFRED — on  him  I  may  anchor ; 
There 's  LEWIS,  on  whom  the  Rads  smile. 
They  deem  them,  or  dream  them, 

Greater  than  the  great  dead ; 
They're  sunken,  and  drunken, 
In  patriot  wrath,  blood-red. 


"  I  '11  try  their  afflatus  in  action ! 

WEG  's  gone,  and  his  place  is  not  known ; 
While  faction  is  squabbling  with  faction, 
Like  dogs  who  contend  for  a  bone. 
They  care  not,  they  spare  not, 

When  at  each  other's  throats ; 
They  muster,  and  bluster, 

"  Blind  ranks  and  bellowing  votes." 
"  The  poets  are  now  my  sole  peerage  I 

They  will  not  come  shuffling  their  mobs  ; 
Of  singers  it  seems  the  small-beer-age, 
But — bardlings  won't  perpetrate  jobs. 
The  sobbing  and  throbbing 

Of  lyres  my  State  may  save  ; 
They  sneer  not,  and  jeer  not 
At  Britons  rule  the  Wave  I  " 
*  *  *  # 

Alas !  the  Bards  split  into  parties, 

As  bitter  as  bitter  could  be. 
Yelled  ALGEBNON,  "  Hireling  I    True  Art  is 
To  sing — ujpon  shore— of  the  Sea ! 
In  justice,  my  trust  is ; 

If  foeman  nearer  creep, 
Fierce  curses— in  verses  — 
Will  drive  them  to  the  deep ! " 

Wailed  WILLIAM  :  "  Our  past  was  right  royal, 

But  duty  no  longer  we  need. 
Dashed  ABDUL  laughs  at  us,  disloyal, 
We  sacrifice  glory  to  greed. 
No  nation  holds  station 

More  low  than  England  now. 
Oh,  Britain,  gold-bitten, 
CAIN'S  brand  is  on  thy  brow  1 " 

Moaned  ALFRED  :  "  Oh,  rhyme  without  reason  I 
Our  England  is  calm,  not  asleep. 

To  rail  at  her  thus  is  high  treason, 
Her  bastions  of  brine  she  will  keep. 


The  wages  of  ages 
Of  commerce  she  has  kept. 

Fame  fa;ls  them,  shame  veils  them, 
Who  dare  suggest  she— slept !  " 

"  Nay,"  LEWIS  retorted,  "  we  know  it, 

This  brag  about  power  and  fame, 
You  call  yourself  patriot  and  poet  ? 
The  glory  you  hymn  is  our  shame ! 
Doom  darker  and  starker 

Is  standing  at  our  gate  ; 
Those  Tories  our  glories 
Will  shadow,— sure  as  fate ! " 
*  *  *  * 

The  QUEEN  muttered:   "Ah!  much  I  mis- 
doubt me  1 

E'en  Bards  are  not  all  on  one  side. 
I  'd  best  bind  my  armour  about  me, 
And  look  to  my  statesmen  for  guide. 
These  singers  are  slingers 

Of  mud,  like  party  bands. 
Lute  twanglers  are  wranglers, 

And  fight,  with  grubby  hands  I 
"  If  ALGY  meets  ALF  at  my  gateway, 

They  pause  and  shy  stones  by  the  gate. 
If  WILLIAM  sees  EDWIN,  why  straightway 
Eaoh  other  they  slang wbang  and  slate. 
My  story,  my  glory, 

They  sing,  but,  oh,  dear  me! 
Power  rose  not,  and  grows  not, 
By—  gush  about  the  Sea !  " 


A  NAVAL  QUESTION. — Mr.  ROBESPLEREE 
TAPPEETIT  writes  from  the  Jacobin  Club, 
Seven  Dials,  to  inquire  whether  Mr.  GOSCHEN 
ought  not,  like  CHAELES  THE  FLBST,  to  be 
impeached  for  endeavouring  to  levy  ship 
money  ? 


VOL.  ex. 


134 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  21,  1896. 


LADIES    NOT   ADMITTED. 

University  Don  (leg.).  "  VEIY  SOBRY,  MKS  MINERVA,  BUT  PERHAPS  YOU  ARB  NOT  AWARE  THAT  THIS  is  A  MONASTIC  ESTABLISHMENT." 

*v  TT '•Tlie  .lady  Btudent8  of  the  Universities  have  received  a  cruel  series  of  rebuffs  within  the  last  few  days.  On  Tuesday  week  the  Congregation  of 
ne  University  of  Oxford  refused  to  admit  them  to  the  B.A.  degree.  On  Tuesday  list  it  followed  up  this  blow  by  rejecting  all  the  resolutions  proposed 
as  alternatives.  Yesterday  the  Cambridge  Senate  inflicted  the  unkindest  cut  of  all  by  practically  imitating  the  ungallant  example  of  Oxford." 

Times,  March  13,  1896.] 


MARCH  21,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


135 


Sympathetic  Passer-by.  "Bor  IF  HB 's  BADLY  HUBT,  WHY  DOESN'T  HE  GO  TO  THB  HOSPITAL?" 
British  Workman.  ' '  WOT  1    IN  'is  I )INNEK-TIMK  1 1 " 


ARRY  OH  BLUES  AND  BLUESTOCKINGS. 

DEAB  CHABLIE,— 'Ooray  for  old  Hoxford! 

She 's  give  the  bluestockings  wot  for  I 
Mirs  Minerva  is  chucked,  and  no  muffins  I 

That  Peri  wot  wet  t  at  the  door 
Of  TOMMY  MOOBE'S  Parrydise,  CHABLIE,— a 

pome  I  'd  to  mug  as  a  kid, — 
Must  'ave  felt  pooty  much  like  the  lydies  to 

whom  the  B.A.  is  forbid. 
Quite  right  and  scrootnoodleous,  CHABIIE! 

Wot  next,  and  wot  next,  and  wot  next  ? 
I  tell  you,  old  man,  it 's  fair  monstrous,  the 

way  we  get  worried  and  yext, 
Us  men  as  »'«  men  and  not  mollies,  by  Woman's 

Rights  'umbug  and  flop ; 
Atd  it's  yum-yum  to  find  there's  still  Dons 

as  can  twirl  Mrs.  PABTINGTON'S  mop. 
I  'm  not  Hoxford  or  Cambridge,  wus  luck  I — 

'otpt,  of  course,  at  this  time  of  the  year, 
When  I've  jrot  my  small  bit  on  the  Boat 

Race,  as  Hoxford  will  land  me,  no  ftar. 
She  'as  poll*  d  me  through  pr<  p  T  ? ome  seasons, 

and  so  I  still  back  the  Dirk  Blue, 
And  I'm  hajpy  to  see  there's  no  chance  of 

her  n  inning  a,  feminine  crew. 
Dark  Blue  don't  mean  bluestocking,  CHABLIE, 

and  lor,  there 's  some  comfort,  old  chap  ; 
We're  a  deal  too  much  petticDat-govermd,  a 

rule  as  means  treacle  and  pap. 
A  nice  bit  of  frock  is  all  right,  while  she  plays 

second  fiddle  all  through, 
Bat  not  as  a  Batchlor  of  Arts,  or  the  stroke 

of  a 'Vanity  crew. 

Fact  is,  women  are  sneaking  our  rights,  bonder 

cover  of  claiming  their  own ; 
And  it 's  time  as  us  men  put  our  foot  down, 

afore  the  she-sarplnt  's  full  grown. 
A  good  manly  crusher,  dear  CHABLTE,  whilst 

woman  is  bunder  our  'eel, 
Will  save  us  a  dollop  of  trouble,  as  no  doubt 

the  'Varsities  feel. 


Keep  'em  out,  my  dear  boy,  keep  'tmoutl 

They've  bin  creeping  and  (reeping  for 

years. 
No,  it  ain't  as  I  'm  down  on  the  donahs  as 

donahs ; — I  love  'em,  the  dean  I 
But  as  cricketers,  footballers,  dootorB,  M.P.'s, 

and  the  dickens  knows  wot, 
Likewise  B.A.'s  and  that,  I  agree  with  the 

Dons  that  it 's  all  tommy- rot. 

A  man  as  is  really  a  man,  mate,  and  cot  a 

mere  molly  in  bags, 
Knows  that  women  was  made  to  knock  under, 

in  spite  of  them  Radical  rags. 
While  us  men  t  et  the  pace,  mj[  dear  CHABLIE, 

no  doubt  we  can  romp  in  in  front ; 
But  if  shemales  git  sprinting:  away,  on  their 

own,  we  mayn't  be  in  the  'unt. 

And  that 's  wot  they  're  arter,  my  pippin,  as 

won't  do  at  no  price  at  all. 
They  may  mug  up,  and  pass,  and  all  that,  but 

they  mustn't  shove  men  to  the  wall ! 
Lor',  life 's  a  'ard  row,  as  it  is,  and  our  easies 

is  wonderful  few ; 
But  we  must  'ave  the  pull  in  the  pace,  and 

we  must  'ave  first  cut  at  the  screw. 

BETSY  BOSHEM,  B.A.!    There's  a  picture! 

Minerva  is  drawn  with  a  owl ; 
Does  she  think  that  a  'Varsity  Don  is  a  similar 

species  of  fowl, 
As  big  and  as  bleared  in  the  goggles,  as  blind 

to  the  true  time  o'  day  P 
No,  no,  sling  your  hook,  Miss  Bluestocking, 

and  cart  your  old  poultry  away  I 

' '  Wot  do  you  know  of  Hoxford,  or  Cambridge, 

of  college  or  knowledge,  young  fool  ? 
The  cheap  sporting  pypers  your  books,  and  the 

streets  and  the  "  public  "  your  school ; 
Your  B.A.  degree  Braggart  Ass,  your  exams. 

in  back-slang  and  the  hodds  I 
Yah !  Stick  to  your  gutter  snipe  patter,  and 

don't  touch  the  girls  or  the  gods  I  " 


So  snaps  snarly  old  SNIPE  of  our  club.  Was  a 

schoolmaster  once,  so  'tis  said ; 
But  'is  duds  are  as  seedy  as  Guy  Fox,  'is 

nose  end 's  remarkable  red. 
But  if  1  say  one  word  agin  women,  or  progress, 

'e  always  chips  in, 
And  gives  me  wot  for  'ot  and  'ot, — till  I  stand 

'im  a  rum  or  a  gin. 

Poor  old  himage,  'e  '««  got  a  tongue  on  'im, 

rough  as  a  old  reaping  'opk. 
'E  mayn't  'ave  a  brown  in  'is  pouch,  but  'e 

'as  there  a  greasy  old  book. 
By  some  Latin  line-faker  named  'Gains,  on 

wich  'e  will  browse  by  the  hour, 
With  a  tot  of  rum  'ot  and  a  pipe,  'appy, — ah ! 

as  a  bee  in  a  bower. 

But  talk  agin  laming  or  lydies,  and  don't 
the  old  donkey  wyke  up, 

And  go  for  yer  like  a  old  lion,  or  leastways 
my  tamer  pup ! 

For  there's  more  snap  than  roar  in  old 
SNIPE.  Well,  I  worrit  'im  awful  some- 
times, 

But  a  lotion,  a  pipe,  and  a  screw  always 
makes  'im  forgit  arf  my  crimes. 

'E  brags  of  some  blooming  Greek  donah  called 

SAVFO,  or  some  sech  a  name, 
And    swears   as   the   'Varsity   Part  ing  tons 

won't,  in  the  end,  win  the  game : 
For  knowledge  oan't  be,  like  Dutch  rivers, 

diverted  by  dykes  and  by  dams, 
Or  kep  to  one  sex  by  tradition,  or  cramped 

up  by  courses  and  crams. 

Still,  nevertheless,  notwithstanding,  I  'm  glad 

as  that  B  A.  degree 
Isn't  copped  by  the  bluestockings  yet,  wich  is 

all  bloomia1  fiddledee. 
As  the  women  are  welting  on  now,  no  one 

knows  wot  next  fort  they  will  carry ; 
But  Hoxford,  no  doubt,  will  feel  'appy  to  'ave 

the  approval  of  'ABBY. 


136 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  21,  1896. 


THE    JOYS    OF   SCANDAL-BEARING. 


"  I  SAY,  BOUNDERSON — YOTT  KNOW  THAT  RATHER  RUMMY  STORY 
YOU  TOLD  ME  ABOUT  LITTLB  SCHBECK,  THE  VIOLINIST,  AND  THE 

DOWAGER  DUCHESS  OF  ST.  AMBERGRIS  ?  WELL,  I  MET  JOE  CADBY 
ON  WEDNESDAY,  AND  WHAT  DO  YOU  THINK  ?  HE  's  GOT  THE  WHOLE 
YARN  FROM  BEGINNING  TO  END,  FIDDLESTICK  AND  ALL  1  " 

"OF  COURSE  HE  HAS.     I  KNEW  THAT." 

"THEN,  WHY  THE  DICKENS  DID  YOU  MAKE  MB  SWEAR  ON  MY 
OATH  NOT  TO  BREATHE  A  WORD  OF  IT  TO  ANY  LIVING  SOUL,  ESPECI- 
ALLY NOT  TO  JOE  CADBY  ? " 

"BECAUSE  I  WANTED  TO  HAVE  THE  FUN  OF  TELLING  HIM  ALL 

ABOUT  IT  MYSELF,  YOU  JUGGINS  I  WHY,  I  TOLD  HIM  THJK  VJBRY 
NEXT  DAY  1  " 


CONDENSED  CONFIDENCE. 

(For  Ladies  only. ) 

DEABIST  ETHELINDA,— Don't  be  shocked,  but  I  have  been  Bo- 
hemianised  I  Shall  I  dare  to  confess  it  ?  I  have  been  in  front  at  a 
Music  Hall ! !  After  all,  Ce  n'est  que  le  premier  faux  pas  qui  coiite  ! 
The  way  it  came  about  was  in  this  wise.  Lord  AJBTHUR  RANTIPOLE, 
who  is  on  the  best  terms  with  all  the  theatrical  and  musical  people, 
begged  my  dear  friend  Mrs.  PLiNTAGENET-NiBBS  (nee  DE  WILKINS) 
to  accept  a  private  box,  which  had  been  placed  at  his  disposal  by  the 
manager  of  the  Eldorado  Theatre  of  Varieties,  and  she  very  kindly 
asked  me  to  join  her  party.  At  first  I  demurred,  knowing  that  papa 
is  so  very  particular,  but  the  curiosity  which  we  all  inherit  from  the 
Grand  Old  Gardener's  wife  overcame  my  scruples,  and  now  I  not 
only  do  not  regret  the  escapade  but  long  to  repeat  it,  feeling  quite 
boulevardiere  and  outre  Manche.  Lord  ARTHUR  and  a  young  poet, 
Mr.  SWINBURNE  JENKINS,  who  has  written  a  play,  which  the  cruel 
LORD  CHAMBERLAIN  refuses  to  license,  accompanied  us.  I  was  rather 
surprised  that  Mr.  JENKINS  should  have  condescended  to  visit  the 
Eldorado,  but,  throwing  back  his  raven  chevelure,  he  assured  me  that 
the  most  brilliant  gems  often  coruscated  in  the  most  tenebrous 
caverns.  "He's  alluding  to  his  father's  coal  pits,"  said  Lord 
ARTHUR  ;  "  why  the  Eldorado  is  the  most  delightful  den  of  wicked- 
ness in  Europe."  I  really  began  to  think  myself  a  female  DANIEL 
when  his  lordship  alluded  to  dens,  for  he  is  such  a  fashionable  lion 
himself.  Not  young,  but  so  distingue,  a  chevalier  whom  it  would 
be  impossible  to  mistake  for  a  waiter  in  his  habit  de  soir  even 
without  the  tasteful  silk  waistcoat,  which  a  Great  Personage 
has  commanded  to  be  d  la  mode.  He  is  one  of  the  most  affable 


of  noblemen,  and  the  stately  manner  in  which  he  pressed  me  to 
accept  a  glass  of  soda-water  mingled  with  eau  de  vie  would  have 
done  honour  to  a  Doge  of  Venice  on  his  nuptials  with  the  Adriatic. 
Lord  ARTHUR  has  what  is  called  a  speaking  countenance.  A  fla«h 
from  his  steel-grey  eyes  made  the  lacqiiey  who  supplied  our  refresh- 
ment tremble  when  he  was  found  wanting  in  no  less  a  sum  than 
threepence  in  the  change  of  half-a-soyereign.  I  recognised  the 
alcohol  in  an  instant.  It  is  one  which  is  only  to  be  procured  not  a 
hundred  miles  from  3002,  Milk  Avenue,  B.C.,  and  the  soda-water 
had  all  the  sparkle  of  that  supplied  to  the  Royal  Family  by  the  best 
Manufacturer  in  Great  Britain.  (You  see,  darling,  that  I  can  still 
circumvent  a  malicious  and  ungrateful  Editor.)  But  revenons  d  nos 
agneaux.  The  Eldorado  is  like  a  Moorish  dream,  a  revival  of  the 
glories  of  Granada,  when  the  crescent  bade  defiance  to  that  Castile 
which  is  now  only  famed  for  an  exceedingly  emollient  soap.  The 
canary  silk  hangings  of  our  box  could  not  have  cost  less  than  three 
guineas  a  yard,  and  the  great  crimson  velvet  curtain  which  hung 
behind  the  footlights  would  cut  up  into  court  dresses  for  Arch- 
duchesses. Everywhere  the  lustrous  eyes  of  Electra  look  down 
upon  the  lavish  display  of  gold  and  crystal  which  ornament  this 
temple  of  harmonious  luxury.  How  Lord  ABTHUB  could  call  it  a 
den  passes  my  poor  comprehension.  But  then  to  those  reared  in 
feudal  palaces  a  recherche  villa  at  Clapham  would  be  but  a  mean 
domicile.  All  the  gentlemen  in  the  audience  were  smoking.  1 
confess  I  liked  to  see  this  dissipation.  It  made  the  expedition  ever 
FO  much  more  risque,  especially  when  naughty  Mrs.  PLANTAGENET- 
NIBBS  insisted  upon  taking  some  whiffi  from  Mr.  JENKINS'S  cigar  at 
the  back  of  the  box.  Lord  ARTHUR,  who  is  a  confirmed  quiz,  said  if 
Mrc.  P.-N.  puffed  too  much  she  would  ruin  her  complexion.  Quel 
drole  n'est  ce  pas  f  The  entertainment  on  the  stage  came  upon  me 
with  the  agreeable  shock  of  one's  first  attempt  at  swallowing  an 
oyster.  It  was  so  strange  and  yet  so  delicious.  The  ballets  appeared 
to  me  to  be  worthy  of  the  Court  of  SARDANAPALUS,  and  I  could  not 
help  clapping  my  hands  vigorously  when  Mile.  MOLLET,  the  pre- 
miere danseuse,  executed  a  series  of  bounds,  which  a  chamois  could 
scarcely  have  equalled.  I  noted  that  this  exquisite  Terpsichorean 
reveller  wore  a  necklace  of  pearls,  which,  if  not  Roman,  would 
certainly  have  ransomed  RICHABD  CCEUR  DE  LION  twice  over.  Lord 
ARTHUR  tells  me  that  it  is  no  uncommon  thing  for  the  highest 
members  of  the  aristocracy  to  pay  tribute  in  kind  to  the  talents  of 
les  belles  des  coulisses,  and  that  some  of  them  have  to  hire 
policemen  to  escort  them  to  and  from  the  theatre.  Well,  such  is  the 
just  reward  of  fame !  A  vocalist,  who  Bang  in  a  language  which  I 
did  not  understand— Lord  ARTHUR  said  it  was  called  Yiddish — con- 
vulsed the  house  with  his  drolleries,  but  I  preferred  a  lady  who 
balanced  ninepins  on  the  tip  of  her  somewhat  up-tilted  nose.  Every- 
body got  up  and  cheered  when  a  singer,  dressed  as  a  Field-marshal 
— such  a  leonine  man,  not  unlike  Lord  W-LS-L-Y — warbled  a 
splendid  patriotic  ditty  with  this  stirring  refrain  :— 
"  For  battle  I  am  all  arrayed,  I  Of  Germany  I  'm  not  afraid, 
I  do  not  care  for  life  or  limb ;  |  For  I  can  fight  like  Doctor  JIM." 

Mr.  SWINBURNE  JENKINS  said  that  "limb"  and  "Jni"  did  not 
rhyme,  but  the  people  did  not  enter  into  this  question  of  poetic 
license.  They  only  roared  the  chorus.  The  closing  item  of  the  pro- 
gramme was  a  number  of  tableaux  vivants.  I  can  only  draw  a  veil 
over  the  performers.  Heaven  knows  they  wanted  it  badly  enough. 
Lord  ABTHUR  said  the  effect  was  "most  fetching,"  and  even  Mr. 
JENKINS  praised  some  of  the  poses  as  being  "  ineffably  Greek."  My 
hostess  was  rather  indignant  with  Lord  AJITHUB  when  she  asked  him 
"How  would  you  like  to  see  me  as  Diana?"  and  he  answered, 
"  Very  much ;  so  long  as  I  wasn't  cast  for  Action."  No  one  but  an 
Eton  and  Oxford  man  could  make  such  classic  repartee.  But  some- 
thing astonished  me  more  than  the  living  pictures.  As  we  were 
leaving  the  place  we  passed  a  refreshment  alcove  were  some  noisy 
people  were  drinking  together.  One  man  gave  vent  to  his  hilarity 
in  a  very  familiar  tone.  I  turned  to  look  and  there,  filling  a  lady's 
glass  with  champagne,  was  PAPA,  le  pere  noble  of  our  domestic  circle! 
No  wonder  that  I  clutched  Mr.  JENKINS'S  arm  with  such  un- 
maidenly  fervour  that  I  felt  him  wince  under  the  pressure,  and  was 
it  not  natural  that  on  arrival  chez  moi  I  should  pass  the  night  suffer- 
ing with  migraine  f  My  misguided  parent  does  not  know  that  I  saw 
him,  and  I  have  only  one  rayon  de  soleil—he  didn't  see  me.  Mean- 
time I  am  fasting  for  my  sins,  and  can  highly  recommend  this 
potdge  maigre.  Stew  half-a-dozen  sticks  of  maccaroni  in  a  pint 
of  water,  add  two  sprigs  of  finely  chopped  parsley,  the  rinds  of  two 
lemon?,  a  sliced  shalot,  and  pepper  and  salt  to  taste.  Simmer  slowly. 
Ever,  dear,  Your  loving  cousin,  KADJ. 

OLD  SONG  REDRESSED,  FOB  THE  BENEFIT  OF  BARON   POLLOCK 
AND  MR.  JUSTICE  BRUCE. — "  Oh,  Willis,  toe  have  missed  you." 

NEW  PRONUNCIATION  OF  THE  ABYSSINIAN  EMPEROR'S  NAME.— 
MANY-LICK.  

UNDENIABLE  COUBT  PLA.STEB. — The  front  of  Buckingham  Palace. 


MARCH  21,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


137 


BY   THE    BEACH. 

II. 

THE  TBELAWNEY  BBOWNES  have  arrived. 
They  made  their  appearance  this  morning. 
They  were  on  the  Parade  for  an  hour  or  two, 
three  of  them,  two  girls  and  a  man.  Young 
SMITH'S  glass  was  glued  to  them  for  five 
and  twenty  minutes.  "Clippers,  bejove! 
Clippers  I "  he  murmured,  as  he  followed 
them  up  and  down.  "  Ah  I "  he  said  to  ADA, 
"there's  style  for  you,  if  you  like!  That's 
what  the  French  people  call  ayclar,  you 
know." 

Young  SMITH  rather  prides  himself  on  his 
French  accent.  Last  summer  he  went  over  to 
Boulogne  for  a  day,  and  for  a 'month  or  two 
afterwards  (when  he  happened  to  think  of  it) 
he  had  almost  forgotten  his  English.  "  Ah  1 " 
he  continued,  still  studying  the  new-comers 
through  his  glass.  "  What  an  air  distangy  ! 
Those  frocks  hail  from  WOBTH'S  or  the 
Luvver,  or  I  'm  a  Dutchman,  ADA  !  " 

ADA'S  eye  followed  the  direction  of  the  tele- 
scope, and  the  smile  died  on  her  lips.  "Was 
it  jealousy  ?  Presentiment  ?  The  shadow  of 
coming  events?  Poor  little  ADA!  Beside 
these  "  clippers  "  she  locked  a  mere  nobody, 
and  she  was  conscious  of  it. 

Young  SMITH  is  a  wonderful  judge  of  cha- 
racter. At  the  very  first  glance  he  decided 
that  the  new  comers  had  "  style,"  and  before 
the  morning  was  out  he  overheard  the  fol- 
lowing conversation,  which  confirmed  his 
judgment. 

"The  Colonel  won't  be  down  for  another 
week,  ALGY,"  said  Miss  TBELAWNEY  BBOWNE. 

"  Really  ?"  drawled  her  brother. 

"No;  he  is  detained  in  town  by  Parlia- 
ment." 

"  Awful  bothaw." 

Young  SMITH  pricked  up  his  ears.  Colonels, 
even  common  Colonels,  were  a  cut  above  him ; 
but  Colonels  who  sat  in  Parliament  I  Phiou ! 

"  You  had  a  letter  from  Sir  GTEOBGE  this 
morning  ?  "  asked  the  second  Miss  TBELAW- 
NEY BBOWNE. 

' '  Ya-  as.  The  Ba'net  wants  me  to  go  north 
for  the  last  of  the  hunting,  you  know." 

Young  SMITH'S  eyes  dilated.  Baronets  and 
hunting !  It  was  not  every  day  that  young 
SMITH  listened  to  talk  like  this.  Before 
tea-time  all  Little  Puddleton  knew  what  he 
had  heard.  "They  seem  nice  sort  of  people 
these TRELAWNEY BBOWNES,"  he  said;  tl  well 
connected,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing.  I  heard 
young  BBOWNE  say  that  some  Baronet  had 
asked  him  to  go  hunting." 

Young  SMITH  has  an  elder  sister,  and  her 
name  is  MADGE.  Young  SMITH  does  not  think 
much  of  her — "not  one  of  my  sort,  you 
know;"  but  HABBY  JONES,  ADA'S  fifth  and 
favourite  brother,  reckons  her  divine.  There 
is  nothing  HARBY  wouldn't  do  for  MADGE. 
He  has  called  his  cutter  after  her ;  he  blacked 
a  boy's  eye  because  he  said  she  squinted ;  and. 
when  he  is  in  funds,  he  brings  her  packets  of 
fruit-tablets  from  the  penny-in-the-slot  ma- 
chine. The  other  day  HABBY  caught  sight  of 
ADA'S  photograph.  ADA  was  frightened,  for 
HABBY  is  a  great  tease,  and  she  thought  she 
would  never  hear  the  end  of  it.  But  HABBY 
was  intensely  interested.  He  wanted  to  know 
how  much  it  cost.  ADA  couldn't  tell  him. 
He  supposed  it  could  be  done  cheaper  without 
a  frame  ?  And  ADA  thought  yes,  certainly  it 
could. 

A  few  minutes  afterwards  HABBY  was  down 
on  the  beach  in  consultation  with  the  photo- 
grapher. The  regular  charge  was  sixpence 
each — a  shilling  for  a  group  of  two.  Would 
that  include  a  frame?  No,  only  a  pink 

Siper  mount.    A  frame  was  fourpence  extra. 
ABBY'S  face  fell.    He  would  give  the  world 
to  be  taken  with  MADGE  SMITH,  but  he  had 


WHAT  BAIT  ARK  ?BR  rsis',  BILLIB?" 
"CHEESE," 
"WHAT  ABB  YEB  TRYIN'  TER  CATCH — MICE!" 


only  fivepence-halfpenny.  It  was  no  use 
asking  Pa  for  anything,  he  was  such  an  old 
screw;  and  ADA?  ADA  had  half-a-crown  in 
her  purse,  but  she  was  not  allowed  to  change 
it.  Could  the  photographer  possibly  do  it  for 
less?  1 1  AKK  Y  hated  bargaining;  but,  hang 
it  I  what  was  a  fellow  to  do  ?  Well,  yes, 
to  oblige  the  gentleman,  the  photographer 
thought  he  might  take  the  two  for  ninepence. 
Fivepence-halpenny  from  ninepence,  that 
left  fourpenee  -  halfpenny — no,  threepence, 
wasn't  it  ?  HABBY  could  never  tackle  arith- 
metic, and,  when  there  was  a  fraction,  he 
always  felt  uncertain.  He  thanked  the  photo- 
grapher, and  said  he  would  think  of  it.  Half 
the  day  he  spent  devising  schemes  to  raise  the 
residue.  He  volunteered  to  rig  out  JOHNNY'S 
boat  for  threepence,  and  to  mend  the  little 
Robinson-boy's  cycle-horse  for  a  halfpenny. 
His  off  era  were  declined  with  suspicion,  paltry 
as  the  sum  was,  there  seemed  no  possibility  of 


getting  it,  and  HABBY  sat  about  all  the  after- 
noon, biting  his  nails,  and  f  rownir  g.  He  was, 
in  fact,  quite  metamorphosed.  Pa  JONES  did 
not  once  have  to  tell  him  how  many  bad  acci- 
dents he  had  seen,  and  Ma  JONES  began  to 
fear  he  was  developing  influenza.  The  whole 
household  was  altered.  Not  one  raid  did 
HABBY  make  into  the  nursery;  not  one  doll 
did  he  Jack-the-Ripper ;  not  once  did  he  pull 
the  twins  by  the  hair,  nor  smack  little 
TODDLES' s  head.  ADA  alone  had  an  inkling 
of  his  ailment,  and  offered  her  sympathy; 
but  HABBY  would  none  of  it.  He  sat  apart 
in  melodramatic  silence,  brooding  over  his 
wrongs,  and  cursing  the  fate  that  left  him 
to  struggle  through  life  on  such  a  limited 
income. 

"  THOU  ABT  BO  NEAK  AND  YET  so  FAB."— 
Appropriate  address  to  a  miser  residing  at 
the  Antipodes. 


138 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  2),  1896. 


OPPORTUNISM. 

Mrs.  Verdant  Chcen  (who  is  parting  with  her  German  Governess).  "Off,  BUT,  FRAULEIN,  YOU  WOULD  NEVER  DO  FOE  THE  ST. 
ALBYNS ;  THBY  "BE  ROMAN  CATHOLICS,  YOU  KNOW;  AND  YOU  GAVE  ME  TO  UNDERSTAND,  WHEN  YOU  CAME  TO  us,  THAT  YOU  WERE 
OF  AN  OLD  LUTHERAN  FAMILY." 

Proud  Daughter  of  an  Ancient  Race.  "AcH,  VORKIF  MB,  MATAM,  FOR  LETTING  YOU  SINK  I  VAS  A  BRODESTANT  I  I  VAS  REALLY  A 
ROMAN  GASSOLIC  ALL  ZE  TIME;  IIKE  MY  NOPLE  ANCESTORS  IN  ZB  MITTLE  AITCHFS,  ZE  COUNTS  VON  MBYBR-OPPENHJIM  zu 

HIRSCH-GOLDBMID-ROSBSBBRG,    WHO  FOUGHT   JN   ZE   GRU8ATE8  I'' 


THE  SUNDAY  PLEASURE-SEEKER'S 
VADE   MECUM. 

(Compiled  by  a  Thoughtful  Man  in  the  Street.) 

Question.  I  may  take  it  that  you  are  satis- 
fied with  the  Division  in  the  Houseof  Commons 
concerning  the  Sunday  opening  of  museums 
in  the  Metropolis  ? 

Answer.  Certainly  ;  the  more  especially  as 
it  is  the  first  time  that  such  an  event  can  be 
recorded. 

Q.  And  the  fact  that  the  majority  of  the 
House  are  Conservatives  adds  to  the  triumph  ? 

A.  Quite  so,  as  the  Opposition  are  generally 
accepted  as  the  only  supporters  of  progress. 

Q  If  the  London  museums  come  to  be 
opened  as  proposed,  what  will  he  the  probable 
result  ? 

A.  That  for  several  weeks  those  places  of 
instruction,  if  not  amusement,  will  be  crowded 
on  the  day  added  to  the  list. 

Q.  And  afterwards  ? 

A.  Then,  judging  from  provincial  prece- 
dents, the  novelty  will  wear  oif,  and  the 
number  of  Sunday  visitors  will  fall  to  the 
level  of  the  average  week-day  attendance,  or 
even  lower, 

Q.  Will  the  Oil  Messrs  have  a  beneficial 
tffect  on  the  average  artisan  ? 

A.  It  is  to  be  hoped  so,  although  sceptics 
and  scoffers  may  urge  that  the  Old  Masters 
have  not  done  much  to  improve  the  taste  of 
per s HIS  moving  in  a  more  exalted  sphere  of 
Society. 

Q.  Have  not  Free  Libraries  been  a  sweet 
boon  to  the  working-man? 

A.  That  is  a  matter  open  to  doubt;  at 
least,  so  say  many  influential  ratepayers. 


Q.  But  will  not  the  picture  galleries— Old 
Masters  apart— keep  the  artisans  on  a  Sunday 
out  of  the  public-houses  ? 

A.  Not  if  they  are  only  opened  from  two 
to  six,  when  the  taverns  are  out  of  compe- 
tition. 

Q.  Then  the  licensed  victualler  has  no 
cause  for  apprehension  P 

A.  On  the  contrary,  he  should  be  able  to 
discover  cause  for  satisfaction  in  a  movement 
that  may  possibly  increase  his  profits. 

Q.  Make  your  meaning  plainer. 

A.  I  consider  that  the  licensed  victualler 
will  find,  when  at  six  o'clock  the  galleries 
close  and  the  taverns  open,  that  many  of  the 
picture-inspecting  crowd  will  seek  his  now 
legally  hospitable  establishment  clamorous 
for  suitable  refreshment. 


A  SOMERSET  SONNET. 

OF  a  Zunday  marn,  as  I  do  zit  out  door 
'Gin  parch,  I  do  arften  zee  what  volks  mid 

carl 

A  garden-bed,  zim  zo,  but  middlin'  smarl, 
By  which  wold  Missus  zet  a  deal  o'  store. 
You  never  ha'n't  a-zin  its  like  avore. 
Wi'  roses  red  an'  white,  an'  shart  an'  tarl, 
An'  stocks  an'  poppies,  daff ydils,  an'  arl, 
Zo  bright  as  any  rainbow  'tes  for  sure. 
I  beaut  a-tarkin'  'bout  our  garden  gay, 
What  vor'd  a  man  be  makin'  rhymes  upon  it  ? 
An'  tidden  garden-flow'rs  I  do  mean  no  way — 
But  arl  they  flow'rs  to  Missus'  Zunday  bonnet ! 
Well  there  must  stop— schoolmeaster  he  do 

zay 
'Tes  varteen  lines  do  go  to  make  a  zonnet. 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

THK  CRITICAL  COUSIN  TO  THE  LAT>Y 
FOOTBALLER. 

I  CONFESS  I  'm  surprised,  cousin  KATE, 

At  the  sport  that  you  've  chosen  to  play — 
But  your  reasons  I  don't  under-rate, 

For,  of  cours?,  \»ith  a  will  there 's  a  way. 
And  your  will  I  have  known  for  so  long, 

And  your  way 's  irresistible  might, 
So  whether  folks  say  it  is  wrong 

Doesn't  matter,  so  long  as  you  're  right. 
You  're  a  picture,  when  dressed  for  the  fray 

In  your  jersey  of  delicate  green, 
While  your  smart  knickerbockers  display 

The  trim  shape  of —you  know  what  I  mean. 
Your  ruddy  gold  locks  are  tight  curl'd 

In  a  knot  'neath  your  gay  tassell'd  cap ; 
You  're  the  prettiest  boy  in  the  world ! 

I  shall  certainly  call  you  "  old  chap  "  I 
Your  kicking  is— well,  quite  A  1, 

And  you  move  with  a  great  deal  of  ease ; 
But  why  does  a  feminine  run 

Involve  such  a  knocking  of  knees  ? 
You  dribble  with  marvellous  zest, 

Yet  never  give  chance  of  a  fall ; 
But,  it  strikes  me,  you're  just  like  the  rest, 

A  little  bit  scared  by  the  ball. 

'Tis  a  spirited  sight,  I  admit. 

What  I  a  goal  from  your  tip-tilted  toe  I 
A  hit,  KATE,  a  palpable  hit ! 

There  was  no  one  to  stop  it  you  know. 
There— I  've  often  indulged  in  the  game 

That  I  learnt  at  the  best  of  all  schools ; 
But  I  'm  blest  if  this  football's  the  same  1 

When  you've  done,  dear,  do  teach  me  your 
rules ! 


H 

W 

w 
Q 


M 

i 


a 


JjO  „»' 


td 


td  t-" 

s  ^ 

o 


3 


W 


w    ^ 


MARCH  21,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


141 


'A    REUNION    OF    ARTS/1 

AT  the  Savoy  Theatre  Sir  ARTHUR  SULLIVAN  and  "W.  S.  GILBEKT 
recently  re-united,  have  produced  a  new  opera,  entitled  The  Grant 
Duke.  "The  long  and  the  short  of  it"  is  exemplified  in  the  two 
Acts :  the  second  being  not  nearly  so  long  as  the  first.  It  is  of  the 
old  Savoy  popular  pattern,  but  a  good  deal  of  "cutting  out"  is 


THIS  MEMORIAL 

IS  AFFECTIONATELY  DEDICATE 


still  essential.  About  a  third  of  the  first  Act  and  an  eighth  of  the 
second,  including  the  "  Roulette  song  and  chorus,"  might  be  omitted 
with  advantage.  Also  for  the  conductor  to  catch  at  the  slightest 
possible  indication  of  a  wish  to  encore  is  a  mistake.  "  When  in 
doubt,  play  trumps"—  but  don't  give  an  encore. 


The  GILBERT  and  the  SULLIVAN 

Once  more  are  hand  in  hand, 
With  BARRING-TON,  Miss  BRAND- 
RAM  too, 

The  last  of  former  band. 
Consented  have  Sir  S.  and  G. 

A  point  or  two  to  strain, 
AndD'OiLY  CARTE,with  gladsome 
heart, 

Cries,  "  Here  we  are  again  I 
No  matter  what  has  gone  before, 
I  only  ask  for  just  one  more  1 " 

And  so  a  two-act  opera, 
Unequal  acts,  they  wrote ; 

Sir  ARTHUR  did  the  tuney  tunes, 
With  GILBERT  for  his  "  pote." 

CHARLES  HARRIS  puts  it  on  the 


FRANK  CELLIER  beats  the  time, 
Not  much  of  reason  I  engage 

Is  here,  but  lots  of  rhyme  I 
Though  what  about  it  all  may 

be, 
Is,  I  admit,  a  mysteree. 

At  8.15  begins  the  show, 

"With  chorus,  girls  and  men ; 
Fun  kept  alive  by  BARBINGTON  ; 

Piece  ends  11.10. 
PASSMOBE,  when  seen,  is  comical ; 

Miss  PERRY'S  voice  earns  praise  • 
Madame    VON    PALM  AY     should 
recall 

Savoyard  Palmy  days. 
It  pleases  and  it  puzzles, — but 
Onejhing  is  clear, —  it  must  be 
cut. 


OUE  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

ABOUT  the  time  violets  begin  to  peep  forth  in  sheltered  woods, 
JBurdett's  Official  Intelligence  of  the  Stock  Exchange  also  comes 
out.  It  is  in  its  fifteenth  year,  and  if  disclosure  were  made  of  the 
particular  infants'  food  on  which  it  has  thrived,  it  would  make  the 
fortune  of  the  nutriment.  Sixty  years  ago  MACATJLAY,  reviewing 
Dr.  NARES'  History  of  Burleigh  and  his  Time*,  summed  up  the 
merits  of  the  book  by  the  remark  that  "it  consists  of  about  two 
thousand  closely  printed  quarto  pages,  occupies  fifteen  hundred 
inches  cubic  measure,  and  weighs  sixty  pounds  avoirdupois."  No 
public  weighing  machine  being  within  convenient  distance  of  my 
Baronite's  humble  residence,  he  cannot  fully  follow  MACAULAY'S 
method  of  criticism.  But  in  the  matter  of  pages  and  their  size, 
BURDETT  beats  NARES.  Two  thousand  one  hundred  and  twenty-  seven 
is  the  number  of  pages  of  the  Official  Intelligence,  each  crammed 
with  information.  Amongst  new  matter,  it  contains  an  article  on 
the  operation  of  the  Sinking  Fund,  of  peculiar  interest  just  now.  In 
it  wiU  be  found  the  germ  of  the  idea  Mr.  GOECHEN  has  adopted  for 
meeting  the  added  expenditure  on  Naval  Works. 

By  an  undesigned  coincidence  Mr.  FBOWDE  has  simultaneously 
issued  from  the  Oxford  University  Press  the  Prayer  Book  and 
Hymns  Ancient  and  Modern,  beautifully  printed  on  India  paper, 
daintily  bound,  and  held  together  in  a  morocco  case.  In  bulk  each 
measures  If  inch  by  a  shade  over  two.  Yet  so  marvellous  is  the 

S 'int.  so  delicate  the  workmanship,  that  they  are  easily  read.  With 
r.  BUBDETT'S  massive  tome  under  his  arm  and  Mr.  FROWDE'S 
masterpiece  in  his  waistcoat  pocket,  a  man  may  go  through  life  with 
the  happy  consciousness  of  possessing  the  largest  and  the  smallest 
book  of  modern  days. 

"  To  those  who  desire  good  company,"  writes  one  of  the  assistant 
readers,  "  I  can  heartily  recommend  Green-room  Recollections,  by 
ARTHUR  W.  A.BECKETT  (ABROWSMITH'S).  The  little  book  is  a  model 
of  what  such  books  should  be ;  genially  discursive,  bright,  unpreten- 
tious, and  abounding  in  good  stories  admirably  told.  From  his  well- 
stored  memory  the  author  produces  a  series  of  amusing  recollections 
dealing  with  the  profession.  CHARLES  KEANE,  BUCKSTONE,  FECHTER, 
FRANK  MARSHALL,  PADDY  GREEN  of  EVANS'S,  PALGHAVE  SIMPSON — 
all  these  and  many  others  has  Mr.  A.BECKETT  seen  and  known,  and  of 
all  of  them  he  has  some  good  story  to  tell.  If  I  must  select  where 
all  are  good,  I  take  as  my  favourite  the  account  (on  p.  218)  of  how 
the  author  and  his  brother,  then  very  small  boys,  assisted  a  Poly- 
technic lecturer  with  pea-shooters  while  he  was  conducting  his 
audience  through  Home.  To  receive  a  succession  of  peas  full  in  his 
face  while  he  discoursed  on  the  city  of  the  CAESARS  must  have  been  a 
terrible  trial  to  a  staid  lecturer.  Nothing,  too,  could  be  better  than 
the  story  of  '  Oonah,'  produced  at  the  Haymarket  by  EDMUND 
FALCONER.  '  It  began  at  seven  o'clock  sharp,  and  was  still  being 
played  at  one  o'clock  the  following  morning.'  " 

What  induced  a  skilled  teller  of  romances,  such  as,  undoubtedly, 
is  MAX  PEMBERTON,  to  waste  his  own  and  his  reader's  time  in 
writing  such  stuff  as  A  Gentleman's  Gentleman?  ^The  idea  is 
Thackerayan,  and  what  he  would  have  made  of  it  it  is  not  difficult 
for  the  admirers  of  Barry  Lyndon  to  imagine.  But  this  story, 
though  it  has  all  the  advantages  that  large  print,  good  margin,  and 
ihe  being  contained  in  one  handy-sized  volume,  can  give  it,  is  dis- 
appointing and  wearisome.  THE  BARON  DE  BOOK- WORMS. 

A  Stroke  in  Time  saves  Eight. 

"  TIME  is  money."    We  're  frequently  paying 
Through  the  nose  for  this  apothegm  old. 

But  at  Oxford  they  have  a  new  saying, 
'Tis  that  Cambridge  will  find  time  ia  GOLD. 

BURNS  ON  BILLS. 

Iris  reported  that  Mr.  JOHN  BDRNS  objects  to  bill  posting  on  the 
[x>ndon  County  Council  hoardings.  Probably  this  is  the  first  time 
;hat  the  ratepayers  were  informed  that  the  L.  C.  C.  hoarded  any- 
;hing,  as  the  bills  posted  by  them  never  contain  saving  clauses,  but 
jenerally  refer  to  increased  expenditure,  and,  in  fact,  refer  to  post- 
ulata,  or  more  money  to  be  required  presently. 

GOT  HIS  LIITLE  BIT  OF  SUGAR. — Major-General  GK  C.  BIRD,  C.B., 
has  been  appointed  to  a  First-class  District  in  India.  His  adminis- 
tration is  expected  to  be  note-worthy. 

THE  NICK  OF  (PAS)TIME.  —  Sir  HENRY  MEPHISTOPHELES  COL- 
VILE,  K.C.M.G.— Knight  Commander  of  the  Mummer  Guards. 

THE  BITTER  CRY  OF  MR.  WILLIAM  CDTHBERT  QUILTER,  M.P.— 
:>nre  beer  I  

ROTATORY  KNIFE  (AND  FORK)  MACHINES.— Pullman  Dining  Cars. 


142 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAEIVAEI. 


1896. 


Benevolent  Old  Gentleman.    "Now  THEN,  LITTL  t   BOY.      WHAT    DJ   YOU    MKAN    BY 

BULLYING  THAT   LITTLE  GlBL  ?      DON'T  YOU   KNOW   IT  'S  VERY  CRUEL  f  " 

Rude  Little  Boy.  "  GABN  I  WOT  's  THB  TROUBLE  ?    SHX'S  MY  SWMXTBXART!" 


ROUNDABOUT   READINGS. 

RED  BADGE  OF  COURAGE." 


THIS  book,  by  Mr.  STEPHEN  CRANE,  hasbeen 
praised  in  the  most  extravagant  manner  by 
all  sorts  of  critics.  I  have  no  wish  to  detract 
from  such  credit  as  may  attach  to  Mr.  CRANE 
for  haying  taken  a  subject  outside  of  the  ordi- 
nary ruck  of  subjects,  and  for  having  treated 
it  in  an  unoonvential  manner.  I  venture. 
however,  to  suggest  that  the  book  does  fall 
short—  very  far  short—  of  the  high  level  to 
which  most  of  the  critics  assign  it,  and  that  it 
falls  short  for  very  obvious  reasons,  which  c  an- 
not  fail  to  suggest  themselves  to  anyone  who 
reads  it  witha  desire  toestimate  it  impartially 
according  to  those  standards  which  are  gene- 
rally accepted  amongst  students  of  literature. 

THE  book  professes  to  be  the  story  of  a  youth 


enrolled  in  one  of  the  Northern  regiments 
during  the  American  Civil  War.  I  said 
"  story,"  but,  as  a  matter  of  fact,  there  is  no 
story  in  the  usual  acceptation  of  the  word. 
The  youth— he  is  scarcely  ever  called  any- 
thing but  "the  youth," the  expression  occur- 
ring with  dismal  iteration  on  every  j  aee — 
the  youth,  as  I  say,  appears  vagutly  as  ia  a 
cloud,  he  commits  dialogue  and  perpetrates  a 
chaoticseriesof  self-analysis,  he  flics  from  the 
battle-field,  returis  to  it,  analyses  himself 
over  and  over  again,  is  understood  to  behave 
heroically,  and  finally  vanishes  back  into  a 
thick  mist  of  impressionism.  Of  story,  in 
truth,  there  is  absolutely  nothing ;  nota  single 
character  is  clearly  defined,  scarcely  an  inci- 
dent is  described  in  such  a  way  as  to  force 
upon  the  reader  (upr  none  reader,  atany  rite,) 
that  over-mastering  sense  of  its  necessary 
truth  whiohis  the  mark  of  really  great  notion. 


IK  the  second  edition  of  The  Red  Badge  of 
Courage  are  to  be  found  excerpts  from  some  of  the 
Press  notices  which  hailed  the  first  edition.  In  one 
I  read  that  "  Mr.  STEPHEN  CRANE'S  picture  of  the 
effect  of  actual  fighting  onaraw  regiment  is  simply 
nnapproaohed  in  intimate  knowledge  and  sustained 
imaginative  strength.  .  .  .  This  extraordinary 
book  will  appeal  strongly  to  the  insatiable  desire  to 
know  the  psychology  of  war— how  the  sights  and 
sounds,  the  terrible  details  of  the  drama  of  battle, 
affect  the  senses  and  the  soul  of  man."  "  The 
reader,"  says  another,  "  sees  the  battle  not  from 
afar,  but  from  the  inside."  "This,  we  feel  instinc- 
tively, is  something  like  the  reality  of  war."  These 
are  samples  of  the  eulogies  which  have  been  libe- 
rally showered  upon  The  Red  Badge  of  Courage. 

IT  will  have  been  noticed  that  the  common  note 
struck  by  the  reviewer  is  the  masterly  analysis  of 
the  reality  of  war.  This  is  curious,  for  it  turns  out 
that  Mr.  CRANE  is  a  young  man  of  the  age  of  24, 
who,  being  an  American,  has  presumably  no  per- 
sonal knowledge  whatever  of  the  emotions  he 
undertakes  to  describe.  And  it  may  further  be  as- 
sumed that  nine  out  of  ten  of  his  critics  are  in  a 
similar  case.  Those,  therefore,  who  are  ignorant  of 
war  and  its  emotions  testify  to  the  absolute  reality 
of  war-pictures,  painted  by  one  who  has  himeelf 
never  been  near  a  battle.  I  am  conscious  of  the 
retort  that  may  be  made,  and  I  am  prepared  to 
admit  at  once  that  I  myself  have  never  fought 
through  a  battle  or  been  near  one ;  nor  have  I  ever 
occupied  the  position  of  referee  at  afootball  match. 
All  I  say  is,  that  this  very  confused  and  disjoint*  d 
account  of  warfare  does  not  impress  me  as  being 
anything  like  what  the  real  thing  ought  to  be ;  and 
I  may  go  further,  and  add  that,  written,  as  it  is, 
by  a  young  American  of  24,  it  cannot  possibly 
possess  the  quality  of  "intimate  knowledge'' 
with  which  it  has  been  almost  universally  credited 
by  those  who  have  reviewed  it. 

I  HAVE  read  many  stories  of  war,  some  imagina- 
tive, some  written  by  men  who  had  borne  a  share  in 
the  fighting.  I  have  spoken  to  many  men  who  have 
fought — modest,  manly  fellows,  for  the  most  part, 
and  by  no  meat  s  inclined  to  exaggt  rate  either  their 
own  heroism  or  that  of  their  companions.  And, 
putl  ing  aside  all  the  tawdry  noneenseof  romancers, 
who  give  you  merely  the  tinsel  glitter  of  war,  1 
much  doubt  if  "the  youth"  whose  heart-searoh- 
ings  are  described  in  The  Red  Badge  of  Courage 
is  at  all  a  common  type.  The  mass  ot  men  may  not 
be  brave  to  desperation ;  but  they  are  braver,  I  take 
it,  than  this  poor,  sickly,  sentimental,  hysterical 
fool,  who  is  constantly  engaged  in  probing  his  own 
sensations  when  he  ought  to  be  loading  and  firing 
his  rifle.  The  great  battles  of  the  world  have  all 
been  fought  by  common  men,  and  common  men  in 
the  mass  are  brave  and  not  cowardly.  MICHAEL 
HARDY,  who  is  commemorated  in  Sir  EVELYN 
WOOD  s  book  on  the  Crimea,  was  a  common  nan; 
the  heroes  of  the  14'hRtgiment  of  the  French  army 
who  perished  almost  to  a  man  at  Ey  lau,  were  c  jm 
mon  men ;  so  were  the  sergeant  and  bis  men  to 
whose  memory  Sir  FRANCIS  HASTINGS  DOYLE  has 
dedicited  The  Red  Thread  of  Honour,  one  of  the 
noblest  and  most  stirring  battle-poems  in  our  lan- 
guage. And  for  myself,  I  prefer  the  heroes  of 
The  Red  Thread  of  Honour  to  the  miserable 
creature  who  is  dimly  revealed  to  us  in  The  Red 
Badge  of  Courage. 

I  HAVE  said  nothing  of  the  literary  and  gram- 
matical style  of  the  book.  Here  are  two  examples. 

"  Boried  in  the  smoke  of  many  rifles,  his  anger 
was  directed  not  so  much  against  the  men  whom  he 
knew  were  rushing  towards  him,  as  against  the 
swirling  battle  phantoms  whichwere  choki  og  him." 

"  A  lad  whose  face  had  borne  an  expression  of 
exalted  courage,  the  majesty  of  he  who  dares  give 
his  life,  was,  at  an  instant,  smitten  abject."  On 
the  whole,  1  cannot  in  the  least  agree  with  the 
reviewer  who  declares  that,  "  as  a  work  of  art, 
The  Red  Badge  of  Courage  deserves  high  praise. 
As  a  moral  lesson  that  mankind  still  needs,  the 
praise  it  deserves  is  higher  still." 


MARCH  21,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


143 


LATEST   QUOTATIONS. 

SOME  weeks  ago  I  asked  JONES 
what  he  would  recommend  as  an 
investment.  "  Well,"  he  said, 
"if  you  want  something  perfectly 
safe  to  pay  not  quite  three  per 

cent ."  "  My  dear  fellow  I  " 

I  exclaimed.  "But,"  he  continued, 
"if  jrou  want  something  profit- 
able, just  a  spec,  you  know,  keep 
your  eye  on  'em,  and  sell  out  as 
soon  as  they  rise,  why  not  try 
that  Debenture  Corporation?  If 
you  '11  sit  still  a  minute,  I  '11  read 
you  the  full  title."  Then  he  took 
an  old  prospectus  from  a  drawer, 
and  began,  "The  Imperial  and 
Colonial  Pioneer  Land,  Finance 
and  Exploration  and  Amalga- 
mated and  Consolidated  Gold, 
Diamond  and  Miscellaneous  Mines 
and  Agricultural.  Sheep  and  Cattle 
Breeding  and  Ostrich  Farming 
Estates  of  West  Africa  and  South 
Australia  Mortgage  Debenture 
Corporation,  Limited."  I  waited 
patiently  till  he  had  finished,  and 
then  I  drew  a  deep  breath  and 
recovered.  "  You  would  recom- 
mend," I  said,  "  some  shares  in 
the— in  that— how  on  earth  can 
anyone  remember  all  that  name?" 
"  Oh,"  he  said,  "  we  don't  bother 
about  the  full  title,  we  call  'em 
Irons."  So  I  bought  some  Imps. 

Then  my  trouble  began,  for 
JONES  had  told  me  to  keep  an  eye 
on  the  quotations  in  the  papers 
every  day,  and  sell  out  as  soon  as 
the  shares  rose.  That  is  what  I 
have  been  doing,  and  my  eyesight 
is  failing,  for  every  newspaper 
prints  every  day,  in  a  different 
place  and  in  the  smallest  type, 
the  quotations,  which  vary  every 
hour  by  sixteenths  or  by  thirty 
seconds.  And  the  evening  news- 
papers, which  are  the  most  excit- 
ing, since  their  quotations  are  the 
prices  of  the  actual  day,  must  of 
course  set  up  and  print  these  tiny 


FANCY    PORTRAITS. 


[The  Duke  of  CAMBRIDGE  "  can  settle  the  wbole  matter  in  a  graceful  and 
dignified  manner  bydecliningin  advance  the  £1800  a  year." — Times,  Marchl2.] 
Cassius  Munvmius      .        .      Rt.Hon.A>thrB-lf-r. 
Scipio  Minor  (Dux  Nobttis)       H.R  H.  D-ke  of  C-mbr-dge. 
Cassius  Mummius.  HAIL,   NOBLE   CHIEF  I    HEBE  FROM   MY  HANDS 

RECEIVE 
THE  GIFTS   THE  GODS   PROVIDE  I 

Scipio  ("in  a  graceful  and  dignified  manner  ").  I  THANK  THE  GODS  I 

BUT  FOB  A  SOLDIER  TIRED  OF  WAR'S  ALARMS 

THERE  's  NO  REWARD,  SAVE  VIRTUE  1    ALL  THE  REST 

Is  DROSS  I      I  *LL  NONE  OF  IT  !      YET  FOR  YOUR  COURTESY 
I  THANK  YOU. — "  The  Roman  Warrior,"  Act  Last. 


figures  in  such  a  hurry,  that  the 
part  of  most  interest  to  me  is 
often  smudged  and  illegible.  But, 
worst  of  all,  every  newspaper, 
morning  or  evening,  has  a  different 
abbreviation  of  the  company's 
title.  Of  course,  in  a  line  haH 
an  inch  long  they  cannot  print  il 
in  full.  So  in  one  I  find  "  Imp. 
Col.  Land  Fin.  Exp.  Deb.  Corp." ; 
in  another,  "I.  C.  Deb.  Corp.  oi 
W.  Afr.  S.  Aust." ;  in  a  third, 
"  Pioneer  Mort.  Deb.  Corp." ;  in 
a  fourth,  "  Imperials" ;  in  a  fifth, 
"  Mines  Estates  Deb.  Corp."  ;  in 
a  sixth,  "  W.  Afr.  S.  Aust.  Mort. 
Deb.  Corp.";  in  a  seventh, 
"W.  A.  S.  A.  Land  Fin.  Exp. 
Corp.,"  and  so  on,  I  can  never 
remember  under  which  initial 
letter  I  shall  find  it  in  the  alpha- 
betical arrangement;  I  believe 
that  several  of  the  papers  try  a 
new  abbreviation  daily,  and  I  am 
sure  that  I  shall  become  blind  or 
mad  if  I 'continue  this  search  much 
longer.  I  wish  I  had  bought  Con- 
sols, the  title  of  which  never  varies, 
and  need  never  be  abbreviated. 

What  are  those  shares  now? 
Here 's  a  paper.  Has  a  new  abbre- 
viation been  discovered?  Yes. 
Here  th«y  are :  "  Am.  G.  D.  M. 
Mines  W.  A.  S.  A.  Corp."  They 
have  gone  down  j$  since  I  bought 
them.  But  I  shall  sell  them  to- 
morrow. 


A  DIFFICULTY. 

How  shall  I  turn  a  rhyme  for  you  ? 

The  songs  have  all  long  since 

been  sung. 
Beneath  the  sun  there 's  nothing 

new, 

How  shall  I  turn  a  rhyme  for  you  ? 
Forestalled     these     many    ages 

through 

Bypoet'spenand  lover's  tongue, 
How  shall  1  turn  a  rhyme  for  y_ou  ? 
The  songs  have  all  long  since 
been  sung. 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 
House  of  Commons,  Monday,  March  9. — Spectacle  of  good  man 
struggling  with  adversity  ever  touches  the  well-regulated  heart. 
Presented  just  now  when  WEDDERBURN  essayed  to  load  truck  of 
proposed  Light  Railways  with  his  speech,  and  run  it  over  main 
line.  Unfortunatelv  for  him  this  particular  level  crossing  is 
guarded  by  a  signal-box  repre=ented  by  SPEAKER'S  Chair.  Question 
before  House  was  that  Light  Railways  Bill,  bavin*  been  read  second 
time,  should  be  referred  to  Grand  Committee  on  Trade.  WEDDEH- 
BURN,  as  he  winsomely  mentioned,  had  prepared  speech  on  second  read- 
ing. Had  several  times  attempted  to  catch  the  train  on  this  particular 
journey ;  had  always  missed  it.  "  And  then,"  he  said,  with  wail  in 
voice,  recalling  memories  of  Glencoe,  "  the  Closure  was  moved." 
T  IT?*  ®  ^"TthmS  comes  to  the  man  who  waits,  even  for  a  lift  by 
wnt  Railway.  Subject  up  again  now.  Fortunately  WEDDEHBPBN 
had  in  his  pocket  notes  of  second- reading  speech.  Would  work  them 
up  into  the  truck  forthwith.  Perhaps  if  he  hadn't  uttered  his 
lament  over  earlier  misadventure  he  might  have  got  in  a  few  more 
spadesful  before  he  was  pulled  up.  But  eo  pleased  with  this  fresh 
opportunity,  couldn't  help  chuckling  over  it.  Signalman  in  box  on 
sharp  look  out.  WEDDERBURN  not  reached  second  page  of  treasured 
notes  before  SPEAKER  down  on  him  with  reminder  that  mmts  of 
I  been  fully  discussed  on  secmd  reading.  Sole  question  now  as  to 
which  Committee  the  Bill  should  be  referred. 
Only  one  chance  of  using  up  treasured  speech.  If  Bill  went  to 

Hand  Committee  all  was  lost ;  if  referred  to  Committee  of  whole  House 

speech  might  be  worked  off,  if  not  at  one  burat,  then  in  cheerful  spurts 

succeeding  amendments.    Such  a  happy  thought  this  I    WEDDER- 

BUu  m/Krald  not  refraia  sharing  with  the  House  Joy  of  its  possession. 

Ine  reason  why,"  he  said,  "  I  wish  to  keep  this  measure  in  the 

louse  is  because  I  have  not  been  allowed  the  opportunity  of  speak- 


ing in  debate  on  the  second  reading."  Whereat  frivolous  Members 
opposite  burst  into  hilarious  laughter,  amid  which  WEDDERBURN 
wondering,  sat  down. 

Mr.  WEIR  much  touched  at  countryman's  calamity.  "  If,"  he 
whispered,  "  yon  '11  lend  me  your  speech,  I  '11  put  it  in  the  form  of 
questions  for  you.  At  the  rate  of  three  or  four  a  day  they  will  carry 
yon  over  Easter.  Nothing  easier.  Take  out  a  passage;  put  before 
it  Query — '  Is  the  right  hon.  gentleman  aware  ; '  stick  note  of 
interrogation  at  the  end ;  and  there  you  are." 

Light  Railways  Bill  safely  shunted  into  Grand  Committee  Yard ; 
House  got  into  Committee  on  the  Navy  Estimates.  SAGE  OF  QUEEN 
ANNE'S  GATE  uncompromisingly  opposed  increase;  quoted,  in 
support  of  argument,  fate  of  the  First  NAPOLEON,  and  example  of  the 
Early  Christians.  This  last  fell  a  little  flat,  for,  as  Cap'en  TOHMT 
BOWLES  shrewdly  observed,  SAGE  much  more  nearly  resembles  a  late 
Pagan  than  an  Early  Christian. 

Business  done. — Voted  the  Men  for  the  Navy. 

Tuesday.— "  Et  tu  BARTLET?"  GERALD  BALFOTJR  murmured, 
looking  with  sad  eyes  below  the  Gangway. 

Little  been  heard  of  the  Blameless  One  since  New  Ministry  formed, 
and  he  and  Ca'pen  TOMMY  left  on  the  leeshore.  The  CAP'EN  stands 
by  his  old  quarters,  on  second  beach  above  Gangway.  Has  even 
appropriated  corner  seat  once  filled  by  Private  HANBURT,  now  joined 
the  officers'  mess.  But  the  Blameless  BARTLET  to-day  blushes  below 
the  Gangway  in  quarters  where  tea-room  cabals  are  got  up,  Round 
Robins  signed,  and  similar  hints  given  to  esteemed  Leaders  that  they 
would  have  been  wiser  h»d  they  made  other  distribution  of  offices. 

Business  before  the  House,  a  private  Bill  promoted  by  Belfast 
Corporation.  Under  existing  arrangements,  70,000  out  of  population 
of  250,000  have  no  voice  in^nanagement  of  municipal  affairs.  Men 
in  possession  want  to  make  things  permanently  snug  on  same  basis. 
JOHNSTON  of  Ballykilbeg,  waving  Orange  flag  in  face  of  Nationalist 
Members  opposite,  declares  that  Belfast  is  prosperous  beoausejt  is 


144 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  21,  1896. 


Protestant.  Any  attempt  to  remove  bann  from  Catholic  citizens  would 
be  immediately  followed  by  decadence  of  the  shipbuilding  trade  and 
limpness  in  the  linen  market.  When  B.  B.  rose  from  quarter  in  which 
BALLYKILBEG  beats  the  Protestant  drum,  it  was  taken  as  a  matter  of 
course  he  would  follow  on  same  lines.  In  last  Parliament,  when  he  sat 
above  Gangway,  wanting  to  know  when  SQUIBE  OF  MAI.WOOD  was  going 
to  bring  in  his  Local  Veto  Bill,  any  spare  moments  not  devoted  to  con- 
sideration of  that  entrancing  topic  were  given  to  banging  Irish  Nation- 
alist Members  about  the  head.  House  now  had  its  breath  temporarily 
taken  away  by  hearing  the  Blameless  B.,  in  the  familiar  gruff  voice 
and  uncompromising  manner,  denounce  the  Belfast  business  as 
"  unfair,  unjust,  un-English."  "  It  seems  to  me,  Sir,"  said  B.  B.,  "  a 
monstrous  thing  that  we  should  talk  so  much  about  justice  to  Ireland, 
and  permit  this  outrageous  anomaly  in  Belfast  to  cantinue." 

COURTNEY  had  said  much  same  thing  half  an  hour  earlier.  Awk- 
ward thin  gs  from  that  quarter  not  unfamiliar  on  Treasury  Bench  But 

with  Blameless,  Blushing, 
Bashful  BARLEY  "kick- 
ing out  ahind  and  afora" 
tbiogs  looked  strange,  fully 
accounting  for  reduction  ot: 
Ministerial  majority  to  55. 
"Curious  effect  air  below 
the  Gangway  has  upon  the 
irost  blameless  men,"  said 
GERALD,  cjntinuing  bis  co- 
gitation. "  Must  have  it 
samp'eijCarefully  analysed, 
and  fa  what  we  can  do  to 
counteract  evil  properties." 
Business  done. — Motion 
for  opening  National  Mu- 
seums and  Art  Galleries  in 
London  on  Sundays  carried. 
Thursday.— Pretty  to  see 
what  surging  passion  of 
personal  desire  DON  JOSE 
creates  in  breast  of  Irish 
Members.  They  can  neither 
live  with  him  nor  without 
him.  To-night  when  Com- 
mittee of  Supply  had  for 
hours  lain  under  gas-lit 
roof  a  fluggish  pool,  DON 
JOSE  stepped  down  and 
grievously  stirred  it.  Tu- 
mult broke  forth  with 
volcanic  tuddenness  and 
energy.  All  about  Ashanti. 
That  clear-sighted,  high- 
souled  statesman,  WILLIE 
REDMOND,regardsthewhole 
business  of  the  Expedition 
'•  I  *m  Bountiful,  Bashful  Bartley  ! "  as  "  iniquitous."  J  0  H  N 
DILLON,  not  to  be  outdone  by  spokesman  from  other  camp  of  United 
Ireland,  condemned  it  as  "inglorious  and  degrading."  "Wicked 
and  unnecessary "  was  Dr.  CLARK'S  commentary,  as  he  rushed  in 
breathless,  fearful  that  all  the  hard  language  would  be  used  up. 

This  touched  DON  JOSE  on  tender  spot.  Pardonably  proud  of 
manner  in  which  he  has  conducted  this  little  war ;  to  have  it  spoken 
of  in  these  terms  more  than  person  even  of  his  ordinary  equability  of 
temper  could  stand. 

"  'Twas  ever  thus,"  paid  PRINCE  ARTHUR,  soothingly.  "  SCIPIO 
AFRICANTTS  had  his  PETILII,  you  remember.  If  CLARK  and  WILLIE 
REDMOND  had  been  in  the  flesh  when  SCIPIO  came  back  to  Rome, 
bringing  his  laurels  from  Zama,  they  would  have  moved  to  reduce 
the  vote  on  account  of  the  expedition  by  the  equivalent  to  £100,000, 
bewailing  the  exceedingly  rude  treatment  of  HANNIBAL." 

DON  JOSE  AFBICANUS  appeared  at  table  with  ominous  calmness  of 
demeanour.  Got  on  pretty  well  till  DALZEBL  interrupted.  "  As  the 
hon.  Member,"  he  retorted,  "has  not  read  the  Blue  Books,  he  is 
probably  going  to  join  in  the  debate." 

Gentlemen  below  Gangway  howled  with  anguished  indignation, 
PBINCE  ARTHTIR  looked  uneasily  at  clock;  midnight  approaching; 
must  get  vote;  all  going  on  nicely,  and  now  the  fat  in  the  fire, 
fizzling  up  all  round,  turning  to  ashes  hope  of  quietly  snatching 
vote  in  that  moment  of  exhaustion  to  which  twenty  minutes  earlier 
Committee  closely  approached. 

After  this  continuous  storm,  the  Closure  and  TIM  HEALY.  TIM 
been  in  comparative  retirement  through  sitting.  Scented  the  battle 
from  afar  ;  drawn  by  irresistible  chain.  For  some  moments  of  wild 
delight,  he  stood  shouting  back  contumely  and  scorn  at  gentlemen 
opposite,  who  wanted  to  go  to  division.  Dow  JOSE  having,  with 
assistance  of  Closure,  obtained  vote  in  which  he  was  interested,  went 
off  home.  Hereupon  grief  of  friends  opposite  broke  out  in  fresh 
place,  more  than  ever  uncontrollable.  House  sat  all  night.  In  any 


pause  in  conversation  was  heard  the  voice  of  WILLIE  REDMOND 
crying  aloud,  "Where's   CHAMBERLAIN ? "  and  no   answer  came 
forth  from  the  secretive  Night. 
Business  done.— Supplementary  Army  Estimates  voted. 


EVICTED  FROM  A- SHANTY  ! 

King  Prempeh.  "  J'lly  nice  f ' lers  Re'mond  an'  Dill'n  t'  shtan'  up  fer  a 
f  ler  when  he  can'  shtsn'  up  fer  'imself !  "We  won'  go  'ome  till  mor— (Me)." 
(And  they  didn't!    House  rose  at  5.15  A.M.  !) 

Friday. — The  REVERBERATING  COLOMB  back  a^ain.  Like  his 
distant  relation,  the  Colonne  Vendome,  has  been  laid  low  by  ad- 
versity. Set  up  ^-»^. 
agsioatlastGene-  V 
ralElection;bere 
he  is  to-night, 
shouting  at  the 
top  of  nis  voice 
for  a  fall  hoar 
by  Westminster 
clock.  "Doesnt 
want  much,"  as 
the  'bus  conduc- 
tor observed  of 
the  old  lady  who 
said  phe1' wanted 
the  Bank  of  Eng- 
land.1' Sir  JOHN 
willbesatisiiedif 
Financial  Secre- 
tary will  lay  on 
table  for  infor- 
mation of  himf  elf 
and  the  world 
generally,  full 
particulars,  now 
jealouslyguarded 
in  pigeon  holes 
of  War  Office, 
of  the  general 
scheme  of  Na- 
tional Defence. 
ST.  JOHN  BROD- 

BICK.  one  of  few  „  A  LAT£  PAGAN»  BEFORE  HI8  ALTAB 

survivors  ot  the       Mri  L-b-ch-re,  as  seen  by  Cap'en  Tommy  Bowles. 

SpGGCH  f        TxLlUK  S 

not.     The  COLOMB  having  made  its  speech  offers  to  withdraw  its 
amendment.    House  insists  on  negativing  it. 
Business  done.— Got  into  Committee  on  Army  Estimates. 


MARCH  28,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


145 


SAGA  OF  THE  SAGACIOUS 
NORSEGAL 

SEE  in  the  paper  that  there  is 
a  movement  for  getting  Scandi- 
navian female  servants  over  to 
England.  They  are  said  to  be 
-plentiful,  and  strictly  honest,  and 
to  regard  £12  a  year  as  untold 
wealth. 

Have  ordered  one.  A  Viqueen, 
fresh  from  the  fiords.  Thought 
she  would  understand  German. 
She  doesn't— at  least  not  my 
German.  Wife  tries  her  with 
French.  She  grins  amiably.  This 
is  rather  serious.  Forgot  all  about 
the  language  difficulty. 

Get  Scandinavian  Dictionary. 
Try  her  with  simple  sentences. 
"Do  you  come  from  Sweden?" 
Curious,  she  seems  offended  at 
the  question.  "Why  ?  It  appears 
she  is  a  Norsewoman,  and  Norse 
and  Swedes  don't  love  each  other. 
How  childish  I  Possibly  a  refer- 
ence to  IBSEN  will  mollify  her. 
"  Do  you  know  Herr  (do  they  call 
them  "Herrs"  in  Norway?) 
IBSEN,  mein  fraulein  t  "  Says 
she' s never  heard  of  him.  Such 
is  fame ! 

Best  point  about  her  is,  that 
she  is  undeniably  strong.  May 
not  be  true  or  tender,  but,  any- 
how, strong.  Moves  our  grand 
piano  with  one  hand,  duite  a 
"  feat  ojfthe  fiord,"  this. 

As  cook,  our  hardy  Norsewo- 
man slightly  primitive.  Has  a 
passion  tor  caraway  seeds.  Wife 


THE    NAVAL    PREPARATIONS. 

SUGGESTED  CORPS  OF  SUBMARINE  CAVALRY  (ROYAL  MOUNTED  SUB- 
MABINES),  NOT  INCLUDED  IN  THIS  YEAR'S  ESTIMATES. 


objects.  She  i  ays ' '  caraway  seeds 
used  in  every  dish  in  Norway." 
That  decides  me— shall  not  take 
a  tour  among  the  fiords  this  year, 
as  I  was  thinking  of  doing.  Even 
the  North  Cape  would  be  spoiled 
by  a  diet  of  caraway. 

Oar  Gretchen  (query — is  "Gret- 
chen"  the  correct  Norse  word?) 
becomes  gloomy.  Evidently  pines 
for  home ;  naturally,  perhaps,  as 
Norway  the  home  of  pines  I  Wife 
interrogates  her.  She  complains 
of  an  absence  of  avalanches  in 
London.  Sorry  we  can't  oblige  her 
with  these.  Also,  it  seems,  Eng- 
land is  "  not  cold  enough  for  her." 
But  she  hasn't  seen  our  summer 
yet.  Then  she  would  like  a  few 
reindeer  about  the  place,  and  con- 
siders a  cab  a  very  poor  substi- 
tute for  a  carriole. 

To  comfort  her,  I  try  a  tip. 
She  at  once  w  armly  shakes  hands 
with  me !  Appears  to  be  the  cus- 
tom of  her  country.  Extraor- 
dinary and  a  little  embarrassing. 

She  is  off  to  Hull !  Not  even 
a  princely  fortune  (£12  a  year) 
will  induce  her  to  stay  in  a  city 
which  never  has  an  avalanche  or 
an  aurora.  Our  •Northern  light 
has  gone  out  I 


ROYAL  ACADEMY  OF  Music. 
—  "  Potter  Exhibition  prize 
awarded  to  Mr.  R.  NEVILLE 
FLUX."  "We've  often  heard  of 
"  By  flux  of  time,"  but  his  future 
compositions  will  be  by  "  Flux  of 
tone." 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

A  BRIDEGROOM  AT  MONTE  CARLO  TO  HIS 
BRIDE. 

I  AM  lounging  at  ease  'neath  a  tropical  pa'm 

That  looks  up  at  a  tropical  sky, 
While  the  water  below  has  a  tropical  calm 

And  the  braze  gives  a  tropical  sigh. 
There's  a  tropical  sun  to  illumine  the  green, 

There  are  flowers  of  tropical  hue, 
There  are  tropical  folk  to  embellish  the  scene, 

There  's  a  tropical  look  about  you. 

We  all  of  us  speak  with  compassionate  tmile 

Of  the  land  of  perpetual  fog, 
Where  continued  existence  is  scarce  woith 
the  while 

Of  a  well-bred  and  well-to-do  dog. 
It  is  only  when  safe  in  this  thnce  happy 


That  one  dreams  of  the  Isles  of  the  Bl(  st, 
Taat  one  pities  the  ever  exiguous  lot 
Of  the  many,  who  work  without  rest. 

Here  's  your  cloak  1  there  are  clouds,  and  the 

air  's  not  so  clear. 
Yes,  in  England  we'd  say,  "Thtra'll  be 

snow." 
Such  a  thing  in  this  country  could  never 

appear  ; 

It  's  a  tropical  climate,  you  know. 
You  call  it  the  mistral  f    It  's  awfully  chill, 

And.  by  Jupiter  1  here  comes  the  wet 
Down  in  buckets!    No  waterproof  s  ?    Never 

mind.    Still 
We  can  get  warm  again  at  roulette  I 

You  've  a  system  ?   Bravo  I    If  I  follow  your 

play, 

Then  by  doubling  we  must  win  a  coup  ! 
That  's  nineteen  times  running  your  luck  's 

gone  astray  1 
So  has  mine,  and  I  haven't  a  sou  ! 


What,  you  've  still  got  a  "  Nap  "  ?    There '» 

our  number !    It 's  not  ? 
What,  you  chang'd?    Then  the  bank  we 

can't  break. 
Though  the  tropical   gentry   are  certainly 

hot, 
Yet  no  woman  here  could  love  a  rake  I 


MR.  PUNCH'S  PLAYING  CARDS. 


No.  III. — THE  KNAVE  OF  OLUBS  AND 

SHILLELAGHS. 
D-LL-N.  H-LY. 


ECHOES  FROM  BERLIN. 

"  HAVE  you  carefully  packed  up  that  silver 
cup  and  despatched  it  to  Cowes?"  "Yes, 
your  Majesty." 

"  Have  you  looked  out  a  showy  decoration 
for  the  acceptance  of  the  Negus?"  "Yes, 
your  Majesty." 

"  Have  you  had  a  copy  of  the  engraving  of 
my  famous  picture  framed  in  diamonds  for 
the  KHEDIVE  ?  "  "  Yes,  your  Majesty." 

"Have  you  selected  a  diplomatic  suit 
(cocked  hat,  sword,  breeches  and  all)  for  the 
use  (f  President  KBTTGER?"  "Yes,  your 
Majesty." 

''Have  you  forwarded  my  plan  for  the 
Paris  Exhibition  of  1900  to  President 
FAUKE  ?  "  "  Yes,  your  Maj  esty." 

"Have  you  mailed  my  scheme  for  a  new 
constitution  of  the  U.S.A.  to  President 
CLEVELAND  ?  "  "  Yes,  your  Majesty." 

"  Have  you  posted  my  pamphlet,  '  How  to 
Ride  a  High  Horse,'  to  the  Emperor  of 
Austria,  on  the  occasion  of  his  becoming  my 
brother  officer  in  the  British  cavalry  ?  " 
"  Yes,  your  Majesty." 

"  Have  you  handed  my  last  sermon  to  the 
Archbishop  of  Canterbury,  the  Emperor  of 
Abvsginia,  General  Booth,  and  the  Pope?" 
"  Yes,  your  Majesty." 

"Have  you  sent  my  memorandum,  On 
the  Extraction  of  the  Yolks  of  Eggs  by 
Suction,'  to  the  most  venerable  of  my  revered 
relatives  ?  "  "  Yes,  your  Maj  esty." 

"  Then,  after  you  have  filled  up  a  telegram 
of  congratulation  to  the  winner  of  the  Boat- 
race,  leaving  the  name  blank,  you  can  go  to 
dinner."  "  Yes,  your  Majesty." 


SUGGESTED  MOTTOES  FOR  THE  GHEEN  PAKK 
CLUB.—  Fir  non  semper  viret,  and  Virtus 
semper  viridis. 


VOL.  ex., 


146 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  28,  1896. 


CHARLES   THE    BOLD. 

["  What  he  wanted  was  personal  responsibility.    If  an  expert  said  we  had  enough  ammunition,  and  it  was  proved  we  had  not,  he  ought  to  be 
tried  by  court-martial  and  shot."— Report  of  Lord  Charles  Beresford's  Speech,  Times,  March  20,  1896.] 


Charles.  "  SHOULD  AN  EXPERT  OF  POSITION, 
SWEAR  ENOUGH  OF  AMMUNITION 

WE  HAVE  GOT, 

AND  WE  'VJE  NOT, 
Chorus.  "  AND  WE  '\TE  NOT  ? 


Charles  (solo),  "HB'LL  BE  TRIED  B?  A  COMMISSION, 
AND,  UPON  HIS  OWN  ADMISSION, 

WHICH  THEY'VE  GOT, 

HE'LL  BE  SHOT, 
Chorus.  "MrsT  BE  SHOT!" 


MARCH  28,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


147 


CHARLEY  AND  THE  NAVY. 

["  An  archangel  could  not  work  under  the  pre- 
sent system.  ...  He  wanted  to  make  what  was 
now  a  sham  into  a  reality." 

Lord  Charles  Berettford  on  Naval  Defence.'] 

AIR: — "  Nelson  and  the  Navy" 

I  SAT,  my  bold  hearties !  here 's  one  who  ne'er 

shirks. 

He  '11  give  it  our  f oemen — with  gravy. 
And  what  with  the  Frenchies,  the  Yanks, 

and  the  Turks, 

Old  England  has  need  of  a  Navy. 
Lord  CHARLEY  has  got  a  determinate  view 

To  keep  up  our  national  glory. 
We  want  lots  o'  ships,  lots  o'  guns,  and  men, 

too; 
Yes,  CHABLEY,  my  lad,  that's  the  story  I 

To  England  and  honesty  true  he  has  been. 

Though  he 's  better  at  fight  than  at  parley. 
Let 's  he  loyal  to  country,  and  true  to  the 
QUEEN; 

And  drink  to  the  Navy  and  CHABLEY  ! 

He  knows  the  light  orders  are  free  cash — and 

care, 

And  by  heart  he  has  perfectly  got  'em. 
They  have  wasted  our  wealth  upon  ships  as 

won't  wear, 

And  some  have  gone  smack  to  the  bottom. 
It  isn't  so  much  that  our  taxes  has  growed, 

Though  enough  of  that  tack  we  have  tasted. 
"We  want  a  good  fleet,  and  expenses  be 

blowed  1 

But   so    much   of   what's   spent  now  is 
toasted  ! 

Can't  follow  their   figures,   I  give  ye   my 
word, 

As  the  landlubbers  tot  'em  and  twist  'em. 
But  what  strikes  a  plain  sailorman  as  absurd, 

As  Lord  CHARLEY  says,  is— the  System  I 
In  course  for  our  ships  and  our  guns  we  must 
pay,  [kick  'em ! 

But  if  big-wigs  will  squander,  why, 
Give  us  value  for  money,  in  BEBEPFOBD'S  way, 

Then  show  us  our  foes  and  we  '11  lick  'em ! 

They  chatter  and  patter,  and  squabble  and 

shift, 

And  don't  know  their  minds  half-a-minute. 
If  officers  quarrel  and  let  the  ship  drift, 

She  '11  sink,  or  the  dickens  is  in  it. 
If  Ministers,  stuffed  with  their  figures,  like 

geese, 

Know  no  more  of  the  facts  than  this  paper, 
They  '11  land  us  in  war  whilst  they  're  crying 

out  peace  I 
And  smash  is  the  end  o'  that  caper. 

The  Adm'ralty  bosses,  who  handle  our  cash, 
Do  seem  to  get  worser  and  worser ; 

A  chap  who's   now  stingy,  now  spendthrift 

and  rash. 
Is  not  the  right  party  for  purser. 

It  seems  to  me,   somehow,  they're  moslly 


And  when  they  are  waking  they  're  snarley. 
That 's  not  the  right  way  for  to  hold  or  to 


Oar  rale  of  the  waves,  is  it,  CHABLEY  ? 

If  we  're  not  up  to  date,  hut  a  moment  too 

late,  [crockery. 

We'll   get   smashed,    like    a    basket    o' 

We  are  game  to  fight  odds  if  prepared  for 

our  fate, 

But  muddling  and  bragging  mean  mockery. 
Those  dashed  "  Little  Eaglanders"  give  me 

the  spleen. 

Bat  let  patriots  be  cautious  and  steady. 
Pass  the  word,  and  we'll  fight  for  country 

and  Queen, 
But,  as  CHABLEY  says,  do  let's  he  ready  I 

Here's  BEBESFOBD'S  health  I    He's  the  Navy's 

best  friend, 
As  true  as  the  keel  to  the  kelson, 


A    BI-METALLISTIC    DISCUSSION. 


Jim.  "WHAT'S  THIS  'EBB  ' BI-MBTALLISM,'  BILL?" 

Sill  (of  superior  intelligence).  '  WELL,  YBB  SEE,  JIM,  IT  's  HEITHER  A  LICENSD  WIIT- 
LERS'  OR  A  TEETOTAL  DODGE.  THE  WAGES  'LL  BB  PAID  IN  SILVER,  AND  NO  MORE  OOPPEKS. 
So  YOU  CAN'T  GET  NO  ARF-PINT  NOR  HANYTHINK  TTNDBR  A  SIXPENCE  OR  A  THRIP'NY. 
THEN  YOU  HEITHBB  LEAVES  IT  ALONE,  AND  TAKES  TO  WATER  LIKB  A  DUCK,  OR  YOU  RUNS 
UP  A  SCORE." 

Jim.  "An!  Bur  IF  THERE  AIN'T  NO  MORE  COPPERS,  'ow  ABOUT  THE  'BUSSES  AND  THE 
HUNDERGBOUND  RiLEWAY  ? "  Bill  (profoundly).  "  AH  1 "  [Left  sitting. 


But  a  system  what 's  rotten  will  baulk  in  the 

end 

An  archangel,  or  even  a  Nelson. 
If  his  money's  well  spent,  BULL  will  "  part " 

with  a  smile, 

For  sbips,  men,  forts,  harbours,  and  cannon ; 

And  then  he  won't  bother  at  threats  from  the 

Nile,  [Shannon. 

Though  backed  by  black  scowls  from  the 

Then  for  England  let 's  join,  spite  of  partisan 

spleen, 

And  Parliament  splutter  and  parley ; 
Let's  fill  a  joint  humper  to  Country  and 

Queen, 
And  drink  to  the  Navy  and  CHARLEY  ! 


ALFRED  AMONG  THE   IMMORTALS. 
(The  Poet  Laureate  is  on,  view  at  Madtme 

Tussaud's. ) 

LET  them  jibe,  let  them  jeer, 
Let  them  snigger  and  sneer 

At  my  dramas,  my  lays,  and  my  cdes  I 
Others  know  my  true  worth — 
Mid  the  Great  Ones  of  earth 
They   have   shrined   me   at  Madame 
TUSSAUD'S  ! 

LEATHER-LUNGED  PATRIOTISM.  —  While 
"LABBY,"  M.P.,  is  invoking  "congenial 
souls,"  his  constituents  are  providing  suit- 
able boots  for  the  Soudan  Expedition. 


148 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  28,  1896. 


JOTTINGS    AND   TITTLINGS. 

(BY  BABOO  HTTBRY  BUNGSHO  JABBEBJBB,  B.A.) 

No.  YII. 

How  Mr.  Jabberjee  risked  a  Sprat  to  capture  something  very 
like  a  Whale. 

I  AM  this  week  to  narrate  an  unprecedented  stroke  of  bad  luck 
occurring  to  the  present  writer.  The  incipience  of  the  affair  was  the 
addressing  of  a  humble  petition  to  the  indulgent  ear  of  Hon'ble 
Punch,  calling  attention  to  the  great  copiousness  of  my  literary  out- 
put, and  the  ardent  longing  I  experienced  to  behold  the  colour  of  money 
on  account.  On  which,  by  returning  post,  my  parched  soul  was  re- 
invigorated  by  the  refreshing  draught  of  a  draft  (if  I  may  be 
permitted  the  rather  facetious  feu  de  mots)  payable  to  my  order. 

So  uplifted  by  pride  at  finding  the  insignificant  crumbs  I  had  cast 
upon  the  journalistic  waters  return  to  me  after  numerous  days  in  the 
improved  form  of  loaves  and  fishes,  I  wended  my  footsteps  to  the 
bank  on  which  my  cheque  was 
drafted,  and  requested  the 
bankers  behind  the  counter  to 
honour  it  with  the  root  of  all 
evil,  which  they  did  with  ob- 
sequious alacrity. 

After  closely  inspecting  the 
notes  to  satisfy  myself  that  I 
had  not  been  imposed  upon  by 
meretricious  counterfeits,  I 
f  merged  with  a  beaming  and 
joyful  countenance,  stowing 
the  needful  away  carefully  in 
an  interior  pocket,  and,  on 
descending  the  bank  step,  was 
accosted  by  a  polite,  agreeable 
stranger,  who,  begging  my 
pardon  with  profusion,  in- 
quired whether  he  had  not 
had  the  honour  of  voyaging 
from  India  with  me  in  the — 
the— for  his  life  he  could  not 
recall  the  name  of  the  ship — 
he  should  forget  his  own  name 
presently  I 

"  Indeed,"  I  answered  him, 
"I  cannot  remember  having 
the  felicity  of  an  encounter 
with  you  upon  the  Kaisar-i- 
Hind." 

The  Stranger  :  "To  be  sure; 
that  was  the  name !  A  truly 
magnificent  vessel!  I  forget 
names— but  faces,  never  I  And 
yours  I  remember  from  the 
striking  resemblance  to  my 
dear  friend,  the  Maharajah  of 
Phulkarribad — you  know  him  ? 
—  a  very  elegant  young,  hand- 
some chap.  A  splendid  Shi- 
karri !  I  was  often  on  the 
verge  of  asking  if  you  were 
related ;  but  being  then  but  a 


"  Was  accosted  by  a  polite,  agreeab.e  str^i  gcr." 


second-class  passenger,  and  under  an  impecunious  cloud,  did  rot 
dare  to  take  the  liberty.  Now,  being  on  the  bed  of  clover  owing  to 
decease  of  wealthy  uncle,  1  can  address  you  without  the  mortifying 
fear  of  misconstruction." 

So,  in  return,  I,  without  absolutely  claiming  consanguinity  with 
the  Maharajah  (of  whom,  indeed,  I  had  never  heard),  did  inform 


separated  by  the  old  long  sign  of  a  longinquity.    What  followed  I 
shall  render  in  a  dialogue  form. 

The  Third  Party :  Why,  TOMKINS,  you  have  a  prosperous  appear- 
ance, TOMKLNS.  When  last  met,  you  suffered  from  the  impecuniosity 
of  a  churched  mouse.  Have  you  made  your  fortune,  TOMKINS  ? 

Mr.  Tomkins.  I  am  too  easy  a  goer,  and  there  are  too  many  rogues 
in  the  world,  that  I  should  ever  make  my  own  fortune,  JOHNSON  ! 
Happily  for  me,  an  opulent  and  ancient  avuncular  relative  has  lately 
departed  to  reside  with  the  morning  stars,  and  left  me  wealth  outside 
the  dream  of  an  avaricious  I 

Mr.  Johnson  (enviously).  God  bless  my  soul  I  Some  folks  have 
the  good  luck.  (To  me,  whispering.)  A  poor  ninny-hammer  sort  of 
chap,  he  will  soon  throw  it  away  on  drakes  and  ducks !  (Aloud,  to 
Mr.  TOMKINS.)  Splendid!  I  congratulate  you  sincerely. 

Mr.  T.  (in  a  tone  of  dolesomeness).  The  heart  knoweth  where  the 
shoe  pinches  it,  JOHNSON.  My  lot  is  not  a  rose-bed.  For  my  antique 
and  eccentric  relative  must  needs  insert  a  testamentary  condition 
commanding  me  to  forfeit  the  inheritance,  unless,  within  three 
calendered  months  from  his  last  obsequies,  I  shall  have  distributed 

ten  thousand  pour  <1  s  amongst 
young  deserving  foreigners. 
To-morrow  time  is  up,  and  I 
have  still  a  thousand  pounds 
to  give  away !  Bat  now  to 
disoover  genuine  young  de- 
serving foreigners  in  so  short 
a  space  ?  Truly,  I  go  in  fear 
of  losing  the  whole ! 

Mr.  J.  Let  me  act  as  your 
budli  in  this  and  distribute 
the  remaining  thousand. 

Mr.  T.  From  what  I  re- 
member of  you  as  a  yonth,  I 
cannot  wholly  rely  on  your 
discretion.  Rather  would  I 
place  my  confidence  in  this 
gentleman. 

[Indicating  myself,  who 
turned  orange  with 
pleasure. 

Mr.  J.  Indeed?  And  how 
know  you  that  he  may  not 
adhere  to  the  ent:re  thou- 
sand? 

Mr.  T.  And  if  he  does,  it 
is  no  matter,  if  he  is  a  genuine 
deserving.  I  can  give  the 
whole  tohim  if  lam  so  minded, 
and  he  need  not  give  away  a 
penny  of  it  unless  inclined. 
[At  which  I  was  fit  to 

dance  with  delight. 
Mr.  J.  I  deny  that  you 
possess  the  power,  seeing  that 
he  is  a  British  subject,  and  as 
such  cannot  be  styled  a 
"foreigner." 

Mr.    T.   There   you  have 
mooted  a  knotty  point  indeed. 
Alas,  that  we  have  no  forensic 
big- wig  here  to  decide  it  I 
Myself    (modestly).    As   a 


native  poor  student  of  Erglish  law,  I  venture  to  think  that^by  dint 
of  my  legal  attainments,  I  shall  be  enabled  to  crack  the  Gordian  nut. 
I  am  distinctly  of  opinion  that  an  individual  born  of  dusky  parents 
in  a  tropical  climate  is  a  foreigner,  in  the  eye  of  British  prejudice, 
and  within  the  meaning  of  the  testator.  [And  here  I  maintained  my 
assertion  by  a  logomachy  of  such  brilliancy  and  erudition  that  I 


him  that  I,  too,  was  munching  the  slice  of  luck,  having  just  drawn  j  completely  convinced  the  minds  of  both  auditors. 

the  princely  instalment  of  a  salary  for  jots  and  tittles  contributed  to  j     Mr.  J.  (grumblingly,  to  Mr.  TOMKINS).  Assuming  he  is  correct,  why 

periodical  Punch.    Whereat  he  warmly  congratulated  me,  expressing   favour  him  more  than  me  f 

high  appreciation  of  my  articles  and  abilities,  but  exclaiming  at  the       Mr.  T.  Because  instinct  informs  me  that  a  gentleman  with  such  a 

miserable  paucity  of  my  honorarium,  saying  he  was  thick  as  a  thief   face  as  his— however  dusky — may  let  rusted,  and  with  the  untold  gold! 

with  the  Editor,  and  would  leave  no  stone  unturned  to  procure  me  a       Mr.  J.  (jealously).  And  I  am  not  to  be  trusted !    If  you  were  to 

greater  adequacy  of  remuneration  for  writings  that  were  dirt  cheap   hand  me  your  portemonnaie  now,  full  of  notes  and  gold,  and  let  me 

at  a  Jew's  eye.  walk  into  the  street  with  it,  do  you  doubt  that  I  should  return  ? 

And  presently  he  invited  me  to  accompany  him  to  a  respectable   Speak,  TOMKINS  ! 

sort  *f  tavern,  and  solicited  the  honour  of  my  having  a  "peg"  at ;  Mr.  T.  Assuredly  not;  but  so.  too,  would  this  gentleman.  (Tome, 
his  expense  ;  to  which  I,  perceiving  him  to  be  a  good-natured,  ,  as  Mr.  JOHKSON  sneered  a  doubt.)  Here,  you  Sir,  take  this  porte- 
simple  fellow,  inflated  by  sudden  prosperity,  consented,  accepting,  !  monnaie  out  into  the  street  for  five  minutes  or  so,  I  trust  to  your 
contrary  to  my  normal  habitude,  his  offer  of  a  brandy  panee,  or  an  honour  to  return  it  intact.  (After  I  had  emerged  triumphantly 
old  Tom.  from  this  severe  ordeal  of  my  bona  fide.)  Aha,  JOHNSON  !  am  I  the 

While  we  were  discoursing  of  India  (concerning  which  I  found  that,  '  judge  of  men  or  not  ? 

like  most  globular  trotters,  he  hsd  not  been  long  enough  in  the  Mr  J.  (still  seeking,  as  I  could  see,  to  undermine  me  in  h's  friend's 
country  to  be  accurately  informed),  enters  a  third  party,  who,  it  so  favour).  Pish  I  Who  would  steal  a  paltry  £50  and  lose  £1000  ? 

ppened,  was  an  early  acquaintance  of  my  companion,  though  |  had  BO  much  to  give  away,  I  should  wish  to  be  sure  that  the  party  I 


MARCH  28,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


149 


was  about  to  endow  had  corresponding  confidence  in  me.  Now, 
though  I  have  always  considered  you  as  a  dull,  I  know  you  to 
be  strictly  honest,  and  would  trust  you  with  all  I  possess.  In 
proof  of  which,  take  these  two  golden  sovere'gns  and  few  shillings 
outside.  Stay  away  as  long  as  you  desire.  You  will  return,  I 
know  you  well  I 

Myself  (penetrating  this  shallow  artifice,  and  hoisting  the 
engine-  driver  on  his  own  petard}.  Who  would  not  risk  a  paltry 
£2  to  gain  £1000  P  Oh,  a  magnificent  confidence,  truly  I 

Mr.  J.  (to  me).  Have  you  the  ordinary  manly  pluck  to  act 
likewise  ?  If  you  are  expecting  him  to  trust  you  with  the  pot 
of  money,  he  has  a  right  to  expect  to  be  trusted  in  return. 
That  is  logic ! 

Mr.  T.  (mildly).  No,  JOHNSON,  you  are  too  hasty,  JOHNSON. 
The  cases  are  different.  I  can  understand  the  gentleman's  very 
natural  hesitation.  I  do  not  ask  him  to  show  his  confidence  in 
me— enough  that  I  feel  I  can  trust  him.  If  he  doubts  my 
honesty,  I  shall  think  no  worse  of  him  ;  whichever  way  I  decide 
eventually. 

[Here,  terrified  Jest  by  hesitation  I  had  wounded  him  at  his 
quick,  and  lest,  after  all,  he  should  decide  to  entrust 
the  thousand  pounds  to  Mr.  JOHNSON,  /  hastily  pro- 
duced all  the  specie  and  bullion  I  had  upon  me.  in- 
cluding a  valuable  large  golden  chronometer  and  chain 
of  best  English  make,  and  besought  him  to  go  into  the 
•uter  air  for  a  while  with  them,  which,  after  repeated 
refusals,  he  at  last  consented  to  do,  leaving  Myself  and 
Mr.  JOHNSON  to  wait. 

Mr.  J.  (after  tedious  lapse  of  ten  minutes).  Strange  I  I  ex- 
pected hiaa  back  before  this.  But  he  is  an  absent-minded, 
chuckle-healed  chap.  Very  likely  he  is  staring  at  a  down- 
fallen  horse  and  has  forgotten  this  affair.  I  had  better  go  in 
search  of  him.  What  ?  you  will  come,  too.  Capital !  Then  if 
you  go  to  the  right,  and  I  to  the  left,  we  cannot  miss  him ! 

But,  alack !  we  did ;  and,  in  a  short  time,  both  Misters  were 
invisible  to  the  nude  eye,  nor  have  I  heard  from  them  since. 
Certain  of  my  fellow-boarders,  on  hearing  the  matter,  declared 
that  I  had  been  diddled  by  a  bamboozle-trick :  but  it  it  egregi- 
ously  absurd  that  my  puiseanoe  in  knowledge  of  the  world 
should  have  been  so  much  at  fault ;  and,  moreover,  why  should 
one  who  had  succeeded  to  vast  riches  seek  to  rob  me  of  my 
paltry  possessions  P  It  is  much  more  probable  that  they  are 
still  diligently  seeking  for  me,  having  omitted,  owing  to  hurry 
of  moment,  to  ascertain  my  name  and  address:  and  I  hereby 
request  Mr.  TOMKINS,  on  reading  this,  to  forward  the  thousand 
pounds  (or  so  much  thereof  as  in  his  munificent  generosity  he 


NEW    DEFINITION. 

"BUT  TELL  MB,    ALICE.      Is  HE— WELL,    IS  HE  QUITS  A  GENTLEMAN?" 

Alice  (after  a  pause).  "W*LL,  HE'S  NICE-LOOKING,  AND  HE'S  GOT  HIS 


HANDKERCHIEF  TTP  HIS  CUFF.' 


may  deem  sufficient)  to  me  at  Portioobello  House,  Ladbroke  Grove, 
W.,  or  care  of  his  friend,  the  Editor  of  Punch,  by  whom  it  will  (I 
am  sure)  be  honourably  handed  over  intact. 

Nor^need  Mr.  TOMKINS  fear  my  reproaches  for  his  dilatoriness,  for 
there  is  a  somewhat  musty  proverb  that  "  Procrastination  is  prefer- 
able to  Neverness." 


CUCKOO ! 

(After  Shakspeare.) 

WHEN  twigs  are  bare  and  noses  blue. 

And  the  far  hills  with  snow  still  white ; 
A  cuckoo-passion  fires  the  few 

Who  to  the  morning  papers  write. 
The  cuckoo,  then— 'tis  fiddle-de-dee  1 
Taey've  heard,  they  vow,  chirp  o'er  the  lea, 

Cuckoo  I 

Cuckoo  I  Cuckoo  I— Oh,  word  of  fear 
Unpleasing  to  an  honest  ear  I 

Amateur  naturalists  have  jaws 

That  neither  truth  nor  honour  locks. 
They  do  not  heed  discretion's  laws ; 

They  care  for  cuckoos,  not  for  clocks. 
The  cuckoo-song  in  Feb-ru-a-ree, 
They  swear  they  hear.    Ah,  me  I    Ah,  me  t 

Cuckoo  1 

Cuckoo  I  Cuckoo  I — I  greatly  fear, 
Tour  naturalist  hath  a  false  ear  I 


HONOTOS  EAST.— Last  week  the  Conservatives  acknowledged  their 
debt  to  Captain  MIDDLETON,  "  the  controlling  spirit  of  their  organi- 
sation" during  the  past  eleven  years,  by  presenting  him  with  a 
little  cheque  for  £10,000.  We  believe  it  is  also  proposed  to  change 
the  name  of  MIDDLETON  into  "  Captain  Middleman." 

SONG  AND  CHORUS  (very  slightly  altered  from  the  origtnat,  to  be  sung 
by  Baron  POLLOCK  and  Mr.  JUSTICE  BRUCE,  when  the  Tower  Hamlets 
Election  Case  shall  be  over).—"  Oh,  WILLIS,  we  shall  miss  you  I " 


OUE  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

Mtss  ELLEN  THORNEYCBOFT  FOWLER'S  Verses  Wise  or  Otherwise 
(CASSBLL)  are  certainly  all  good.  Many  are  reminiscent  of  PRAED'S 
fight  touch.  The  dainty  little  volume  is  rich  in  poetic  fancy,  winged 
in.  skilful  verse. 

I  suppose  the  Unfinished  Novel  "  catches  on,"  or  the  kind  of  story 
represented  by  NETTA  STKETT'S  Nobody's  Fault,  which  may  be 
described  as  belonging  to  the  "So-far-as-it-goes"  class,  would 
not  be  published.  The  characters  awaken  your  interest ;  so  does 
the  tale,  "  so-far-as-it-goes,"  for  the  story  is  well  written,  and  the 
leading  dramatis  persona  well  imagined.  But  the  story,  not  a  long 
one  in  a  single  volume,  is  "  endless."  It  is  a  cul-de-sac  with  an 
enticing  entrance.  You  turn  back  again  to  eee  if  you've  missed 
any  opening,  any  hint  of  a  way  out  of  it,  but  you  find  none.  And 
the  moral  of  it  ?  "  You  takes  your  choice."  The  methodless 
method  of  thus  writing  a  story  seems  to  me  to  save  a  lot  of 
trouble  and  much  patient  thought.  You  start  a  story.  Happy 
Thought — someone  who  does  something ;  who  meets  somebody;  who 
does  something  else ;  who  gets  into  difficulties— and  then  ?  How  to 

Bit  her  out  of  them?  Another  Happy  Thought,— Oh,  bother! 
on't  try  to  get.  her  out  of  them.  Leave  her  there.  The  story  s 
good  "  so-far-as-it-goes,"  and  if  you  want  more  for  your  money  you 
can't  have  it.  You 've  got  a  third  of  a  three- volume  novel  and  you 
pay  a  third  of  a  three-volume  price.  Quite  fair.  "  If,"  says  the 
wily  author,  "I  see  how  to  finish  the  adventures  of  my  heroine 
(THACKERAY  used  to  "  carry  over"  his  figures  to  his  next  account) 
satisfactorily,  that  is,  either  kill  her  <  r  cure  her,  then  I  wiU  write 
you  another  volume,  or,  maybe.  The  Story  of  Bridget,  in  two 
volumes.  But  that  will  be  another  story."  Hoping  that  NETTA 
SrKETT  will  do  this,  I  strongly  recommend  the  careful  perusal .of  her 
present  book,  Nobody's  Fault,  which,  as  a  specimen  of  The  So-far- 
as-it-goes"  and  of  "The  Altogether,"  I  venture  to  consider  well 
worth  reading. THE  BAKON-. 

"  FOR  THE  NEXT  OCCUPIER."— Last  Friday's  Gazette  announced 
that  the  QUEEN  has  approved  of  the  retention  of  the  title  of 
%<  honourable  "  by  Sir  DAVID  TENNANT  on  his  retirement  from  the 
Cape  House  Speakership.  It  is  to  be  hoped  that  in  the  future  the 
Cape  House  will  find  as  good  a  Tennant. 


150 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  28,  1896. 


A    GRAND-DAUGHTER    OF    EVE. 

Mamma  (to  Molly,  who  has  scratched  and  bitten  her  French  Nurse,  and  who  won't  be  sorry  for 
her  behaviour).  "  OH,  MOLLY,  DON'T  YOU  KNOW  WHO  IT  is  PUTS  SUCH  WICKKD  THOUGHTS  INTO 
YOUR  HEAD?" 

Molly.  "  AH,  YIS,  THB  SCRATCBIX& !    Bur  TO  BITS  FELICIE  WAS  QUITE  MY  OWN  IDEA  I" 


A  FEW  PICTURES. 

HAPPY  man  be  his  dole  who  is  the  fortunate 
possessor  of  even  a  few  of  the  specimens  of 
Barbizonian  art  now  exhibiting  at  the  Graf  ton 
Galleries.  Do  not  omit  a  considerable  pause 
before  No.  127  and  No.  125.  by  MARIS  ;  note 
especially  125,  showing  an  old  woman  coming 
away  from  the  sea,  homeward,  across  the 
sand  in  a  sea-weed  gatherer's  cart.  She  has 
probably  been  collecting  wreck-rubbish,  odds 
and  ends,  on  the  rocks.  The  title  might  well 
have  been  "A  Picker-up  of  Unconsidered 
Trifles;"  or  "A  Marine  Widow  with  her 
Sea-weeds."  No.  61,  MILLET'S  "  Angelus," 


is  of  wcrld-wide  renown.  No.  95,  MICHEL'S 
"  Windmill."  More  wind  is  expected.  The 
artist  evidently  knew  how  to  "raise  the 
wind"  when  he  drew  this.  No.  13.  Is  this  an 
Irish  cabin,  with  mother  and  son  at  a  meal  of 
"potatoes  and  point "  ?  A  touching  subject, 
finely  painted  by  JOSEF  ISRAELS.  They  are 
both  hungry,  but  the  question  arises,  which 
is  to  commence?  The  ancient  dame  or  the 
hungry  boy  ? 

No.  112.  HEBB  DIAZ  has  had  a  happy 
day  in  Epping  Forest,  and  gives  a  charming 
reminiscence  of  the  event. 

The  great  attraction,  to  a  majority  of  land- 
scape-lovers, will  be  COBOT'S  work ;  almost 


all  his  pictures  represent  that  peculiar  hazy 
atmosphere  which  makes  the  foliage  of  a 
French- grey  tint.  The  much- travelled  ob- 
server will  have  noticed  this  atmospheric  effect 
on  the  line  between  Calais  and  Paris.  The 
idea  conveyed  is  either  that  there  is  no  sun  to 
speak  of  in  this  part  of  France,  or  that  the 
artist  invariably  selected  a  dull  day  for  his 
work.  COBOT  is  the  brilliant  painter  of  a 
"  Dull  Day"  in  France.  The  exhibition  is 
well  worth  several  visits. 


A  QUARTER-DAY  BALLAD  OF  SPRING. 

You  sing  a  song  of  life  renewed, 

Of  buds  that  promise  leaves, 
Of  lawns  with  daffodils  bestrewed, 

Of  swallows  'neath  the  eaves, 
Of  tiny  blades  that  shall  be  corn, 

Of  flowers  wrapt  in  scent. 
You  hail  the  welcome  April  morn, 

And  I  the  quarter's  rent. 
You  tell  of  how  your  feelings  thrill 

Whenltouched  by  Springtide  spell, 
And  speak  of  tender  hearts  that  fill 

Like  buckets  at  a  well. 
You  ask  me  if  my  troth  was  true  ? 

If  all  my  love  is  spent  P 
Both  vows  and  bills  I  will  renew 

When  I  have  paid  the  rent ! 


LlTEBABY    AND     DRAMATIC     QUESTIONS.  — 

The  success  of  Trilby  and  the  Prisoner ^of 
Zenda  has  set  actors  novel-reading,  has  in- 
spired novelists  to  write  their  novels  with  a 
view  to  reproduction  on  the  stage,  and  is 
likely  to  turn  playwrights  into  a  sort  of 
newspaper  boys  eat  erly  waiting  for  novels  to 
be  given  out  to  them  to  dramatise.  And 
where  do  the  public  come  in?  Is  the  piblio 
to  read  the  novel  first  and  tbea  see  the  play, 
or  vice  versa  f  And  isn't  it  a  six  to  f  jur 
chance  that  those  who  have  read  the  story 
will  not  want  to  see  the  play  1*  Also,  in  the 
end,  will  not  the  practice,  should  it  become 
general,  be  injurious  alike  to  novelist,  drama- 
tist, and  actor?  and  wearisome  to  the  public? 

SAVED  I 

The  view  from  Richmond  Terrace,  owing  to  the 
rejection  of  Petersham  and  Ham  Lands  and 
Footpaths  Sill  on  March  12.) 
THE  view  from  Richmond  Hill  is  saved, 

Out  Petersham  and  Ham  way ; 
Those  open  fields  shall  ne'er  be  paved, 

Nor  scored  with  lines  of  tramway. 
Her  landscape  London  ill  could  spare  ; 

For  chimney-pots  to  barter 
The  famous  stretch  of  prospect  fair 

Seen  from  the  Star  and  Garter  1 
The  House  of  Commons  now  may  use 

Its  name  with  new  intention  ; 
Our  commons  all  too  rare  we  'd  lose 

But  for  its  intervention. 


University  Intelligence. 

EARL  OF  BF.BKELEY  couldn't  be  excused 
from  "  pernoctation "  on  the  ground  of  ill- 
health.  That  his  lordship  must  "pernoct"  or 
give  it  up,  was  decided  by  79  votes  to  63. 

On  another  subject,  "The  "Warden  of  All 
Souls  deprecated  alarm."  Delightfully  sooth- 
ing title,  "  The  Warden  of  All  Souls,"  and 
how  gratifying  to  know  that  he  "  deprecated 
alarm."  But  what  a  tremendous  respon- 
sibility I !  

SUGGESTED  NAME  FOB  A  NEW  DINING 
ASSOCIATION.— The  Swallow  Club. 

ETON  INTELLIGENCE.  —  Sovereign-tipping 
uncles  are  now  known  as  "  quid-nunks." 


H 


GC 


MARCH  28,  1896] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI, 


153 


PROOF    POSITIVE. 

Podson  (lately  returned  from  abroad).  "WELL,  I  HEAR  YOU'VE  BEEN  HAVING  A  CAPITAL  SEASON,  THRUSTER." 

Thruster.  "On,  RippiN1 1  .WHY,  I 'VB  HAD  BOTH   COLLAR-BONES  BROKEN,  LEFT  WRIST  SPRAINED,  AND  HAVEN'T  GOT  A  SOUND 

HORSE  LEFT  IN  MY  STRING  I  " 


ROUNDABOUT   READINGS. 

SOME  INDIRECT  EFFECTS  OF  THE  BOAT-RACF.. 
THE  direct  effects  of  the  great  contest  between  the  two  universities 
are  of  course  well  known.  It  draws  the  country  parsons  to  London 
in  shoals  ;  it  opens  the  flood-gates  of  reminiscence  in  countless 
elderly  gentlemen,  and  induces  them  to  relate  marvellous  stories  of 
prowess  and  endurance  in  bygone  years ;  it  covers  Putney  with  dark 
and  light  blue  bunting;  it  decorates  the  whips  of  cabmen,  bus- 
drivers,  and  butcher-boys;  it  arrays  unconscious  dogs  in  the  rival 
favours,  and  ranges  them  in  hostile  camps ;  and  it  causes  sixteen 
healthy  yoiing  men  to  affront  the  wind  and  rain  of  March,  in 
clothing  which  can  only  be  described  as  just  adequate  for  decency, 
and  totally  inadequate  for  anything  else.  There  are  other  effects, 
those,  for  instance,  which  the  nps  and  downs  of  practice  exercise  on 
the  impressionable  minds  of  the  gentlemen  of  the  Stock  Exchange, 
and  on  the  variegated  and  descriptive  vocabulary  of  the  assiduous 
journalists  who  compile  reports  in  the  sporting  papers.  It  is  only 
during  Boat-race  time  that  "the  clock  tf  Putney  Church  chimes 
high  noon,"  or  that  a  crew's  endurance  becomes  so  extraordinary, 
that  at  the  end  of  twenty-one  minutes  of  hard  rowing,  "their  breath 
would  not  have  flickered  a  candle." 

BOT  the  effects  that  I  wish  chiefly  to  refer  to  are  those  which  are 
caused  in  the  family  circles  of  the  members  of  the  crews.  It  is  not 
too  much  to  say  that,  as  the  day  of  the  race  approaches,  some  sixteen 
quiet  establishments  scattered  up  and  down  the  country  become  con- 
vulsed with  excitement  and  anxiety.  The  minds  of  fathers  and 
mothers  are  torn  with  conflicting  emotions.  Pride  in  the  achieve- 
ment of  the  beloved  son  struggles  with  a  painful  solicitude  as  to  his 
power  of  enduring  the  stress  and  struggle  of  the  race,  and  the 
Sportsman  and  Sporting  Life  are  devoured  every  day  by  the  un- 
accustomed eyes  of  mothers  intent  on  discovering  the  weight  of  their 
darlings  and  their  chances  of  success  on  the  fateful  day.  As  an 
example,  I  may  describe  a  terrible  scene  which  took  place  only  the 
other  day  in  (let  us  say)  a  Surrey  home. 

PAPA,  a  man  used  to  stratagems  and  wiles,  got  into  the  breakfast- 
room  a  quarter-of-an-hour  before  the  usual  time  in  order  to  read  the 
account  of  the  previous  day's  practice  in  the  Sportsman  at  his 
leisure.  He  found  that  excellent  paper  in  the  hands  of  the  butler, 
who  was  reading  it  out  to  an  eager  audience  of  servants.  Papa  dis- 


missed them  with  so-ue  asperity,  and  sat  down  to  the  paper.  Just  as 
he  had  done  so,  mamma  came  in.  She  is  ordinarily  a  lady  of  the 
most  regular  and  methodical  habits,  scarcely  ever  varying  by  a 
minute  the  moment  of  her  morning  appearance.  On  this  occasion, 
however,  she  was  at  least  ten  minutes  before  her  usual  time.  The 
fact  was,  that  she,  too,  was  bent  upon  the  Sportsman,  and  had  come 
down  in  high  hopes  of  anticipating  papa.  Seeing,  however,  that  she 
was  too  late,  she  made  an  unimportant  remark  about  the  weather, 
and  sat  down  to  endure  with  as  much  resignation  as  she  could  com- 
mand until  her  lord  and  master  should  have  exhausted  the  acquatio 
news.  She  was  too  proud  to  ask  him  to  read  it  out  to  her ;  besides, 
to  have  a  paper  read  to  you  can  never  give  anything  like  the  same 
satisfaction  as  reading  it  yourself.  So  the  minutes  sped  by,  the 
breakfast  was  brought  in,  and  papa  still  sat  reading,  while  mamma 
waited  to  step  into  his  shoes. 

A  i ATE  son  (sons  are  always  late  at  breakfast)  as  he  approached 
the  breakfast-room,  heard  his  mother's  voice  declaiming,  in  tones  of 
unwonted  anger,  and  marvelled  as  he  heard.  He  entered,  and  his 
mother  saluted  him  with  these  memorable  words :  "  ARTHUR,"  she 
said,  "  I  have  been  waiting  half  an  hour  for  the  Sportsman,  and  I 
can't  wait  any  longer.  You  are  young  and  strong.  Take  the  paper 
away  from  your  selfish  father  by  force,  and  give  it  to  me.  "Why,  he 
won't  even  tell  whether  HARRY'S  weight  has  gone  up  or  down."  Papa's 
silence  was  perhaps  excusable,  for  mamma  had  announced  her  inten- 
tion, if  the  boy's  weight  dropped  another  pound,  of  fetching  him  away 
from  Putney  at  once.  HARRY'S  weight  had  dropped,  but,  by  a  curious 
chance,  that  part  of  the  Sportsman  which  recorded  it  w;u  found  to 
have  been  torn  out  when  it  arrived  at  length  in  mamma's  hands. 

A  FIRM  of  tailors  has  sent  me  a  letter  containing  one  of  the  longest 
and  most  unfinished  sentences  I  have  ever  come  across.  Here  it  is : — 

"DEAR  SIR, — "We  respectfully  beg  to  say,  that  haying  been  further 
recommended  by  our  Patrons,  who,  finding  our  System  of  Business,  as  most 
fair  to  the  advantage  of  our  Clients,  of  which  the  principles  are,  by  not 
making  one  Customer  pay  for  another,  and  by  not  maintaining  an  enormous 
(and  superfluous)  show  and  establishment  at  the  cost  of  our  Patrons,  and 
personally  supervising  and  making  of  every  garment,  all  of  which  being 
made  on  the  premises,  and  our  prices  not  being  based  on  the  credit  system, 
the  combined  principles  of  which  by  strictly  adhering  to,  we  have  succeeded 
in  proving  with  every  satisfaction,  that  it  is  quite  possible  to  continue 
supplying  the  very  finest  quality  of  Goods  and  of  most  exquisite  Cut  and 
workmanship  as  per  Price  List  enclosed." 


154 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAEI. 


[MARCH  28,  1896. 


UJ 
QC 

D 


O 
CO 


°g« 

-I  ,«* 

Q  S5 

°     B  H 

o  *s 

CO    jjg 

>-  a§ 

DC    S  g 

<;  w  « 

»-  2g 

Z  C  « 

uj  gg 

E    •* 

<  S'S 


<  «"' 

H   ' 
05 

g 
§ 

H 


MARCH  28,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


155 


THE  COMING  EACE. 

(A  Note  in  Advance  from  a  Prophet 
sure  of  being  on  the  spot.) 

WHAT  new  thing  can  be  said  of  the 
University  Boat  Race?  If  the  son  is 
reported  to  be  shining:  brightly,  the 
birds  singing,  the  leaves  budding 
from  the  trees,  the  description  will 
be  lacking  in  novelty.  On  the  other 
hand,  if  a  paragraph  be  given  to  an 
account  of  the  fog  and  the  rain,  the 
mist  and  the  mad,  again  a  precedent 
will  have  been  followed,  and  nothing 
more.  In  like  manner,  what  does  it 
matter  whether  the  crowd  be  large 
or  small?  Nothing  could  be  easier 
than  to  describe  the  dresses  of  the 
ladies  in  the  sunshine,  or  their  um- 
brellas in  the  wet. 

Once  more,  the  race  itself.  Well, 
either  the  Dark  or  the  Light  must 
win  the  toss  for  stations.  And  the 
challengers  must  appear  before  the 
challenged,  floating  in  the  neighbour- 
hood of  Putney  Bridge.  And  then, 
whether  it  be  rain  or  shine,  there  is 
sure  to  be  a  "  hush  of  expectation." 
The  Jerseys  having  been  collected, 
the  sixteen  will  be  found  waiting, 
after  the  warning  "Are  you  ready?" 
for  the  signal  giving  them  leave  to 
go.  Ar.d  when  the  start  is  made, 
why,  the  first  few  strokes  will  be 
reported  with  the  minutest  detail. 
After  a  minute  or  two  Oxford  or  Cam- 
bridge will  forge  ahead.  A  little 
later  a  broader  view  will  be  taken  of 
thft  rowing.  Only  a  distinct  "  spurt " 
will  merit  and  obtain  special  notice. 
But  the  number  of  stroke  i  to  the 
minute  will  be  recorded.  Now  the 
Dark  Blues  will  be  pulling  38,  now 
they  will  have  flowed  down  to  35, 
now  they  will  have  strained  every 


FANCY    PORTRAIT. 


MB.  B-RNY  B-RN-TO 
(As  "Ancient  Pistol  ")— 

"I  SPEAK  OF  AFBIOA,  ADD  GOLDEN  JOYS  I  " 

Henry  the  Fourth,  Second  Part,  Act  V.,  Scene  3. 


effort  to  pass  the  40.  And  the  record 
of  Cambridge  will  be  equally  interest- 
ing. As  a  matter  of  course,  the  steer- 
ing once  and  again  will  go  wrong. 
But  this  is  not  to  be  unexpected  now 
that  "the  water"  is  abandoned  at 
Westminster.  How  can  a  cox  know 
his  way  about  if  he  is  taken  over  the 
course  on  a  steam-launch  only  a  few 
days  before  the  race  P  It  stands  to 
reason  that  he  has  no  chance  with  those 
to  the  manner  (or  rather  river)  born. 

The  familiar  landmarks  will  emerge 
from  their  obscurity.  The  Doves 
and  the  Elms  and  Hammersmith 
Bridge.  Chiswiok  Eyot,  too,  and 
the  iron  sheds  of  Thornevcroft,  of 
torpedo  -catcher  fame.  Then  will 
come  Barnes  Bridge  and  the  finish. 

And  will  not  there  be  complaints 
anent  the  umpire's  launch  and  the 
unsatisfactory  progress  of  either  of 
the  'Varsity  steamers,  or,  perchance, 
the  boat  reserved  for  the  Fourth 
Estate  P  And  then  the  other  conven- 
tionalities-the  niggers,  the  loafers, 
the  perambulating  purveyors  of  cheap 
refreshments.  All  will  have  a  line 
or  two.  The  same  old  story  told 
again,  year  after  year. 

There  it  is  in  brief.  Rather  more 
than  the  outline,  and  only  one  thing 
necessary  to  make  the  whole  complete 
—the  name  of  the  winner.  Wul  it 
be  Oxford  or  Cambridge  ?  Oxbridge 
or  Camford  P  But  this  cannot  be  told 
just  at  present,  owing  to  the  exigen- 
cies of  publication.  So  why  write 
more?  Echo  obligingly,  sympathis- 
ingly,  and  sensibly  answers  "  why  ?  " 

INFORMATION  WANTED.— We  read 
that  the  Rus-ian  Emperor  has  "  de- 
corated the  Negue."  Is  this  the 
same  thing  as  "  crowning  the  flowing 
bowl"  ?— IGBOBAMUS. 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED    FROM   THE   DIAKT   OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Lords,  Monday,  March  16.— Peers  not  going  to  sit 
tamely  by  whilst  other  House  is  treated  to  statement  on  leading 
question  of  the  hour.  ROSEBKBY  wiU  see  to  1hat.  When  House  met 
lo-day  he,  with  tears  in  his  voice,  lamented  absence  of  the  MABKISS. 
Had  not  only  expected  him  to  be  in  his  place,  bat  looked  for  him  to 
rise  and  make  statement  about  Soudaa,  at  least  as  full  as  Commoner 
people  in  another  place  were  indulged  withal.  MABKISS  name  in 
later,  with  air  of  guilt  not  dispelled  by  affectation  of  indifference. 
When  House  about  to  adjourn  he  explained  that  he  had  said  nothing 
because  he  was  asked  nothing.  Pretty  to  see  him  demurely  fold 
his  hands  over  his  broad  bosom,  archly  look  across  table  towards 
R08EBEBT,  make  dainty  courtesy  of  mock  grace,  and  hum 
"  Nobody  axed  me,  Sir,  she  said." 

ROSEBEBY,  not  to  be  put  off  with  these  blandishments.  "  Thought." 
he  sternly  said,  "the  FOBBIGN  SEC  BETABY  would  deem  your  Lord- 
ships not  unworthy  of  a  statement  similar  to  that  made  by  the 
Us  DEB  SECBETABY  in  the  other  House."  Again  MABKISS  pleaded 
that  he  had  not  been  asked.  As  ROSEBEBY  cddlv  refrained  from 
putting  definitive  question  invited,  nothing  was  said. 

JAMES  of  Hereford  (late  of  Bury)  brought  in  Water  Bill.    SABK 
met  GBAHD  CBOSS  after  House  rose.    Always  athirst  for  informa- 
tion, SABK  asked  what  he  thought  of  it.    "  You're  a  great  autho- 
rity on  water,  you  know,"  he  added,  insinuatingly. 
,  "H  you  mean,"  said  GBAND  CBO«S,  looking  at  him  suspiciously, 

that  when  I  was  Home  Secretary  I  brought  in  a  London  Water 

Ml,  you  're  right.  If  my  proposal  had  been  adopted,  London  would 
nave  had  an  investment  nearly  as  good  as  that  my  late  esteemed 
mend  Lord  BEACONSFIELD  made  for  the  State  in  the  matter  of  the 
oaez  Canal.  But  there  are  always  people  who  know  better  than  the 
most  highly  gifted.  As  for  JAMES'S  Bui,  I  am  too  annoyed  to  have 

mowed  it  closely.  You  will  remember  that  my  memory  is  kept 
freen  in  the  House  of  Commons  by  reason  of  my  having  on  a  memo- 
rable occasion  said  I  '  thought  I  heard  an  hon.  Member  smile.'  A 

>oor  thing,  but  mine  own.    It  has  remained  unapproached  all  these 


years.  And  now  here  'B  a  paltrv  Poet  Laureate  attempting  to  compete 
with  my  masterpiece ;  "  and  GBAND  CBOSS  read  out,  in  voice  tremb- 
ling with  scorn,  the  Poet  Laureate's  deathless  verse  suggested  for 
monument  of  the  Postman  Poet : — 

"  0  lark-like  poet !    Carol  on, 

Lost  in  dim  light,  an  unseen  trill." 

"'An  unseen  trill,'  forsooth  I"  cried  GBAND  CBOSS.  "This 
ALFBED-AWTLG  is  just  the  kind  of  fellow  to  talk  of  an  unheard 
smile,  and  pass  the  idea  off  as  original.  But  I  'd  have  him  know  I 
heard  a  man  smile  years  before  he  didn't  see  a  trill." 

Business  done. —Statement  in  Commons  presaging  fresh  invasion 
of  Soudan.  House  thereupon  appropriately  proceeded  to  consider 
Army  Estimates,  voting  a  trifle  under  six  millions  before  you  could 
say  Dongola! " 

^  Tuesday^. — HICKS-BEACH  not  kind  of  man  to  give  himself  up  to 
riotous  enjoyment.  Temperature  rather  freezing  than  sultry.  But 
to-night  had  high  old  time.  Never  imagined  that  bi-metallism 
covered  possibilities  of  such  human  joy.  Man  from  WHITELEY'S 
brought  on  resolution  affirming  principle  of  bi-metallism.  As  every- 
one knows,  PRINCE  ABTHTTB  has  no  philosophic  doubts  on  this 
question.  Believes  thoroughly  in  bi-metallism.  So  does  CHAPLIN. 

"  Pass  a  law  establishing  bi-metallism,"  savs  that  eminent  econo- 
mist, "and  you  will  have  what  I  may  call  bi-f arming— that  is  to 
say,  two  blades  of  corn  will  grow  in  every  field  where  hitherto 
only  one  has  popped  up  an  undersold  head." 

In  such  circumstances  bi-metallists  might  well  look  hopeful. 
Even  if  CHANCELLOR  OF  EXCHEQUEB  did  not  (if  the  phrase  may  in 
this  connection  be  used  without  disrespect)  go  bald-headed  in  support 
of  principle,  he  at  least  must  treat  subject  with  deference. 

HICKS-BEACH  began  in  soothing  tone  with  kindly  manner.  That 
only  his  artfulness.  As  eoon  as  he  had  cleared  the  ground  and 
firmly  planted  his  feet  thereon,  he  seized  bi-melallism  by  the  throat, 
flung  it  to  the  ground,  kicked  and  pummelled  it  till  every  three- 
penny-bit in  its  pouch  must  have  been  twisted  up.  For  adh  rents 
of  the  trae  faith  this  was  bad  enough.  What  lent  path  is  to  the 
ncene  was  to  watch  PBINCE  ABTHUB  and  HABHY  CHAPLIN  seated  on 
Treasury  Bench  whence  HICKS-BEACH  had  risen  to  promulgate  rank 
heresy.  The  very  helplessness  of  their  situation  added  to  its  misery. 


156 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAKIVAKI. 


[MARCH  2*,  1896. 


PBESIDENT  OF  BOABD  OP  AGBicuLTUBE  rides  many  more  stone  than 
CHANCELLOB  OF  EXCHEQUER.  Had  he  thrown  hioiself  upon  him 
from  behind,  PBINCE  AETHUR  might  have  taken  him  by  the  heels. 
Together  they  could  have  carried  him  out,  dropped  him  over  the 
terrace  into  the  silver  Themis.  But  that  procedure  would  have  been 
open  to  misunderstanding.  There  was  nothing  to  do  but  to  sit  there 
silent,  PBINCE  ABTHUB  drooping  like  an  unwatered  lily,  CHAPLIN 
furiously  writing  letters  to  himself  making  mincemeat  of  HICKS- 
BFACH  and  his  arguments. 

"Worst  of  all,  bitterest  drop  in  the  brimming  cup,  was  to  see 
SQUIBE  OF  MALWOOD  on  bsrch  opposite,  literally  brimming  over  with 
delight  at  beholding  bi-metallism  fatally  wounded  in  the  house  of  a 
friend. 

Business  done. — Bi-metallism' s— at  least  for  the  rest  of  the  century. 

Thursday, — Dow  JOSE  AFBICANUS  not  in  his  place  just  now  when 
son  AUSTEN  made  his  maiden  Ministerial  speech.  That  a  pity,  since  it 
was  a  success  in  more  ways  than  one.  In  addition  to  the  paternal 
eye-glass,  AUSTEN  inherits  the  pleasant  voice,  the  lucidity,  and  the 
keenness  to  see  a  debating  point,  which  distinguish  the  personage  he 
occasionally  refers  to  as  "  my  right  hon.  relative."  Pleasant  to  see 
the  friendly  interest  taken  in  the  event  "  We  all  like  AUSTEN,"  not 
less  in  the  Liberal  camp  than  in  the  new  country  into  which  he  has 
dutifully  followed  his  father.  An  encouraging  cheer  greeted  his 
appearance  at  the  table  to  reply  for  the  Admiralty  to  miscellaneous 
critici«m  on  Na*al  Works  BiP.  StiU  louder  applause  approved  the 

task  when  completed.  A 
high  position  for  so  young 
a  Member.  Not  only  is  it 
filled  with  ability,  but  the 
honour  is  borne  with  mo- 
desty. House  of  Commons, 
most  fastidious  audience  in 
the  world,  likes  to  think 
that  "  AUSTEN  will  do." 

In  absence  of  DON  JOSE, 
HELDEB,  if  Whitehaven, 
unconsciously,  uninten- 
tionally, but  effectively 
filled  the  place  of  fond, 
appreciative  father.  No 
relative  of  AUSTEN'S,  right 
honourable  or  otherwise. 
Nothing  to  do  with  him, 
the  Admiralty,  or  the  Na- 
val Works  Bill.  Sat  as 
remote  as  possible  from 
Treasury  Bench  ;  far  below 
Gangway;  almost  nnder 
shadow  of  gallery.  But 
being  there,  his  plump 
hands  folded  over  portly 
paunch,  his  face  beaming  with  sublimation  of  domes  ic  content,  one 
couldn't  help,  somehow,  associating  him  with  the  youth  at  the  table, 
launched  on  a  Ministerial  career,  or  fail  to  it-cognise  in  his  attitude 
and  expression  a  sort  of  vicarious  fatherhood  to  all  that  is  deserving. 
SABK  tells  me  that  in  the  early  days  of  Mr.  GULLY'S  Speakership, 
a  time  not  free  from  anxiety,  his  greatest  comfort,  his  most  effective 
encouragement,  came  from  this  good  man.  In  private  life,  be  is 
head  of  firm  of  solicitors,  with  assuringly  sonorous  title.  When  Mr. 
GULLY,  not  dreaming  of  the  Speaker's  Chair,  vent  circuit,  Messrs. 
BEOCKBABK,  HELDEB  &  Co.  sent  him  briefs.  When  he  came  to  the 
Chair,  and  seemed  to  need  a  little  encouragement,  it  was  the  practice 
of  the  senior  member  of  BRCCKBANKS,  casually  as  it  were,  to  stroll 
down  the  Hou-e,  his  white  waistcoat  gleaming  with  benevolence.  As 
he  passed  the  Speaker's  Chair,  he  nodded  in  confidential  way  to  his 
old  client,  as  who  should  Bay,  "Cheer  up,  old  man.  The  Court's 
with  you.  If  it  fails,  there ' s  BHOCKBANK,  HBLDEB&CO.  behind." 
In  moments  of  exceptional  difficulty,  he  even  winked  as  he  strolled 
pa»t  the  Chair. 

Not  having  theie  early  professional  relations  with  the  CIVIL  LOBII 
OF  THE  ADMIRALTY,  he  does  not  go  that  length.  But  as  he  sits 
there,  looking  straight  before  him  with  kindly,  fatherly  smile,  the 
subtle  influence  of  his  presence  suffuses  the  neighbourhood,  and, 
stealing  across  the  Gangway,  gently,  but  effectively,  sustains  the 
unconscious  debutant.  Business  done.— Quite  a  lot. 

Friday. — Ministers  supported  to-night  by  rattling  majority  in 
resolve  to  dare  again  the  dangers  of  the  sid  Sjudan.  DON  JOSE'S 
pppech  settled  the  matter.  MOBLEY,  SQUIBE  OF  MALWOOD,  DILKE 
and  others  picture  prospect  in  lurid  colours.  They  recall  experience 
of  last  expedition ;  count  up  its  cost ;  show  the  utter  emptiness  of 
its  gain.  House  uneasy ;  COUBTNEY  speaks  and  votes  against  his 
political  friends ;  talk  of  further  revolt  in  Ministerial  camp.  Then 
DON  JOSE  steps  to  front,  and  puts  the  whole  matter  right.  Pooh- 
poohs  apprehension.  No  danger,  and  if  any  money-cost,  Egypt 
will  bear  it.  All  that  is  intended  is,  Egyptian  troops  will  go  for- 


A  Perfect  Adonis. 


ward  from  Wady  Haifa  as  far  as  Akasheh,  a  railway  following  them 
to  make  things  comfortable.  If  they  find  no  Dervishes  about,  may 
even  steal  on  to  Dongola.  If  Dervishes  in  dangerous  force,  will 
come  lack  by  first  train. 


Cook's  Agent  in  Egypt.  "  How  ar  will  you  go,  Gentlemen  ?  " 
Joey.  "  Oh,  as  far  as  ever  we  can  go  for  the  money — until  it  gets  too  hot 
for  us ! " 

At  this  picture  of  glorious  war  House  gave  sigh  of  relief; 
crowded  into  division  lobby,  pouring  through  at  other  end  in  mad 
race  for  earlv  morning  cabs.  Business  done. — New  Soudan  war 
approved  by  288  votes  against  145 


"DBAWING"    PICTURES. 

AI'AKT  from  the  excellent  "  second  edition"  of  the  grand  ballet, 
Faust,  from  the  Sen  AFFEBS,  from  La  Dan.se,  and  from  the  songs  of  the 
liquante  Mile.  JUNIOBI,  the  "  Cinematographe  pictures"  are  suffi- 
cient of  themselves  to  attract  all  London  to  the  entertainment  now 
being  given  to  exceptionally  crowded  houses  at  the  Empire.  The 
lifelike  representation  of  such  scenes  as  the  arrival  of  the  train,  "  the 
plungers,"  the  gardener  with  the  hose,  and  Monsieur,  Madame  et 
Bebe  at  breakfast,  is  simply  marvellous.  The  final  one  of  Monsieur 
TEX  WET  himself  doing  the  serpentine  trick  with  a  piece  of  white 
riband,  though  perhaps  the  most  difficult  of  all  to  reproduce,  appears 
to  be  simplicity  itself  in  comparison  with  the  "  arrival  of  the  train  " 
and  "  the  bathing  scene."  Is  it  not  within  the  range  of  practica- 
bility to  reproduce  effects  in  the  House  of  Commons,  or  "  Mr.  G." 
being  received  at  a  railway  station  P  Only  the  exact  portraiture  of  the 
lineaments  of  well-known  public  characters  is  required  to  add  fresh 
interest,  from  time  to  time,  to  one  of  the  most  remarkable  exhibitions 
that  ever  delighted  the  public.  Theatrical  managers  might  possibly 
be  averse  to  scenes  from  their  plays  being  thus  represented ;  and 
yet,  if  considered  as  advertisement,  they  might  not,  for  a  con- 
sideration, object.  In  time,  when  the  invention  is  perfected,  the 
living  and  moving  pictures  will,  no  doubt,  be  presented  on  a  still 
larger  scale,  features  will  be  more  distinct,  and  the  quivering  effect 
will  entirely  disappear.  That  is  in  the  not  very  distant  future ;  but 
at  present  these  "  TBEWEY-To-Nature  Pictures"  are,  and  will  long 
continue  to  be,  a  principal  Attraction  at  the  Empire.  But  cannot 
somebody  iuvtnt  a  short  word  -a  kind  of  telegraphic  f  quivalent— for 
"Cinematographe"?  A  rautical  series  might  have  been  called 
"  Tiewey  Bluey."  Why  not  the  "  Cite "  or  "  Oinny  pictures "  ? 


New  Lamps  for  Old. 

"  THIS  smells  too  strongly  of  the  lamp ! " 
Men  said  when,  by  the  midnight  moon, 

Wit  toiled  in  Grub  Street  garrets  damp. 

Now  when  fine  ladies  fiction  vamp, 

And  problem-playwrights  slop  and  scamp, 
It  smells  too  strongly  of —lampoon  I 


A  SLOW  THOBOUGHFABE  BELYING  ITS  NAME  IN  A  MATTES  OF 
WIDENING. — Fleet  Street. 


APRIL  4,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


157 


UNANSWERABLE. 


Young  Hopeful.  "  'SHAMEFULLY  IGNOBANT'?  OF  COUBSE  I'M 
IGNOBANT,  FATHEB.  BUT  THEN,  WHY  DID  YOU  SEND  ME  TO  A 
PUBLIC  SCHOOL?  I  ALWAYS  LOOK  UPON  A  FELLOW  WHO'S  LEABNT 

ANYTHING  AT  A  POBLIO  SCHOOL  AS  A  SBLF-XDUCATXD  HAN!" 


SOMETHING  LIKE  A  BANK  HOLIDAY. 

(Fragment  from  the  Prophetic  Accouiit  of  a  Pessimist  Reporter.) 

"  WHAT  is  the  matter  with  you,  my  man  ?  " 

The  volunteer  was  too  tired  to  speak.  He  fell  asleep  from  sheer 
exhaustion.  He  had  been  on  his  feet  for  about  sixteen  hours.  He 
had  marched  through  mud  and  ploughed  land,  and  over  stony  roads, 
and  was  thoroughly  done  up.  So  the  doctor  turned  to  the  second 
patient,  who  had  been  carried  into  his  consulting- room. 

"  You  look  weary,  my  good  woman  ?  " 

"So  would  you  be."  was  the  angry  reply,  "if  you  had  passed 
through  allj  have.  Up  at  five  in  the  morning,  then  shake,  shake, 
shake  for  six  hours  at  a  stretch — in  the  railway.  Then  an  hour's 
dawdle  in  a  place  we  did  not  know ;  and  then  shake,  shake,  shake 
for  another  long  spell  home  again." 

"  You  went  by  the  excursion  ?  " 

"  Can't  you  see  we  did  ?  But  don't  stand  dawdling  there,  but  do 
your  best  to  save  the  lives  of  the  children." 

The  doctor  passed  a  number  more  in  the  same  plight,  and  then 
came  to  a  person  of  greater  intelligence  than  the  rest. 

"  And  you,  too.  want  my  assistance  ?" 

""Well,  yes.  You  see,  I  believed  that  if  I  could  get  a  perfect 
change  from  my  hard  work  in  the  office  for  one  whole  day  I  should 
be  set  up  until  midsummer.  Bat  I  am  afraid,  like  everyone  else,  I 
have  overdone  it." 

"Extremes  meet — in  the  doctor's  consulting-room,"  observed  the 
medical  man,  drily.  "If  you  overdo  everything — soldiering,  tour- 
ing, walking — "what  can  you  expect  ?  Nature  is  nature,  ard  objects 
to  tricks.  But  you  may  as  well  tell  me  the  cause  of  all  this." 

Then  said  ihe  strongest  of  the  sufferers,  "Please,  we  have  been 
erjoying  the  Bank  holiday." 

"  Thought  as  much,"  muttered  the  medico.  "  St.  Lubbock  may  be 
the  patron  of  the  great  middle  class,  but  he  is  equally  the  benefactor 
of  the  disciples  of  Esculapius  I  " 

ANNOYIKG  PBOBLEM  FOB  FBANCE  AND  RUSSIA.— The  caisse  of  Egypt. 

VOL.   01.  ] 


ROUNDABOUT   READINGS. 

THE  JOYS  OF  A  BOAT-BAOE. 

IN  the  Badminton  Magazine  for  this  present  month  of  April 
note  specially  an  article,  by  Mr.  C.  M.  PITMAN,  bearing  the  abov 
title.    It  is  a  spirited  and  graphic  piece  of  writing,  and  I  heartilj 
congratulate  this  gallant  young  oarsman  on  his  first  contribution  t 
monthly  literature.    Great  Heaven  I  how  the  months  slip  away  an< 
leave  no  sign.    It  seems  but  yesterday  that  Mr.  PITMAN  was  stroking 
the  Oxford  eight  as  a  freshman  recently  imported  from  Eton.    HOT 
brilliantly  he  took  them  along,  with  how  cool  a  head  and  with  wha 
excellent  judgment  did  he  stall  off  the  spurts  in  the  rival  crew  unti 
he  finally  brought  his  merry  men  safely  past  the  "  Ship  "  at  Mort- 
lake,  winners  by  nearly  three  lengths.     All  that  seems  to  me 
pondering  these  matters,  to  have  happened  but  yesterday  ;  yet  fou 
years  have  sped  upon  their  way,  and  three  times  more  since  then  di< 
Mr.  PITMAN  row  in  a  victorious  crew.    Now  he,  too,  has  gone  down 
(as  they  say  both  at  Oxford  and  at  Cambridge) ;  the  quads  of  hi 
college  know  him  no  more,  and  probably,  since  oarsmen  tend  to  tho 
law,  he  is  acquiring  an  intimate  knowledge  of  procedure,  of  state- 
ments of  claim  and  of  defence,  of  interrogatories,  and  of  the  rule  in 
Shelley's    Case,  in  musty  chambers  either  of  the  Temple  or  o: 
Lincoln's   Inn.    In   the  dim  future  I  behold  him,  a  grave  anc 
reverend  Judge  of  the  Supreme  Court,  presiding  with  reminiscen 
dignity  and  increased  weight  at  a  boat-race  dinner. 

MR.  PITMAN  describes  no  particular  race.  He  gives  an  account  o: 
the  symptoms  that  afflict  the  mind  of  an  oarsman  engaged  in  a  race 
Vivid  to  an  almost  painful  degree  is  his  description  of  the  nervous  anc 
disjointed  conversation  of  a  crew  at  their  last  meal  before  the  race, 
of  the  aimless  questions,  the  irrelevant  answers,  and  the  genera 
assumption  of  an  airy  unconcern  (it  deceives  nobody)  that  mark  every 
member  of  the  crew.  This  is  the  state  of  mind  known  to  Univer- 
sity athletes  as  "  needle."  Those  who  have  been  through  a  similar 
experience  will  be  the  first  to  testify  to  the  accuracy  of  the  picture. 

IT  is  at  such  a  time  that  men  decide  that  there  is  no  pleasure  in 
rowing,  and  that  no  power  on  earth  shall  ever  induce  them  to  take  a 
seat  in  a  boat  again.  Everything  seems  to  have  gone  wrong ;  the 
world  seems  to  be  in  a  conspiracy  against  them.  What  does  the 
crowd  mean  by  smiling  and  talking  and  chaffing  ?  How  dare  men 
and  women  gather  with  casual  carelessness  to  witness  the  terrible 
struggle  that  is  about  to  take  place— a  struggle  so  important  to  those 
who  take  part  in  it  that  they  cannot  tear  their  thoughts  away  from 
it  for  a  single  moment  ?  These  are  some  of  the  questions  that  chase 
one  another  through  an  oarsman's  mind.  And  there  are  others. 
Will  he  be  able  to  last  out  the  whole  course  ?  Is  it  not  possible  that 
he  may  collapse  utterly  when  half  way  over  the  course,  and  offer  a 
shocking  spectacle  to  the  assembled  thousands?  What  if  he  should 
catch  a  crab,  or  if  his  oar  should  break,  or  if  the  coxswain  should 
steer  them  crashing  into  a  pleasure-boat,  or  if  some  one  should  put 
his  foot  through  the  frail  skin  of  the  racing  boat,  and  cause  her  to 
sink  ?  And  so  in  a  sort  of  dream  he  dons  his  shorts,  his  zephyr  and 
bis  shoes,  helps  to  carry  the  boat  down  to  the  water,  and  mechani- 
cally takes  his  accustomed  place.  Almost  before  he  realises  what 
lias  happened,  the  crew  are  at  the  stake-boat,  the  umpire  has  fired 
ais  pistol,  and  the  race  has  started. 

No  needle  afflicts  him  now:  dismal  thoughts  and  nervousness 
aave  vanished  as  if  by  the  touch  of  a  magician's  wand,  and  all  his 
powers,  bcdily  and  mental,  are  concentrated  on  his  work.  Last  ? 
Why,  he  feels  he  could  last  till  the  crack  of  doom.  How  it  inspires 
a  man  to  have  the  other  crew  alongside,  to  know  they  are  worthy 
opponents,  but  yet  mortal,  men  not  to  be  daunted  by  a  single  spurt, 
>r  broken  up  by  one  or  two  rolls,  but  liable  notwithstanding  to  lose 
;heir  winds  and  to  fall  behind.  How  the  boat  springs  to  each  stroke: 
Tupiter !  what  a  fearful  roll  that  was ;  how  thin  and  distant  sound 
;he  eldritch  shrieks  of  the  coxswain  ;  No.  5  in  the  other  crew  has  got 
lis  slide  stuck— splendid ! — how  curious  that  pale  man  on  a  moored 
iteamer  looked  in  a  green  tie.  Oh,  oh,  stroke  is  quickening — yes, 
.he  crew  pick  it  up  with  him— glorious  I — but  I  can  follow  the  race 
no  farther,  for  as  I  write  a  needle  pierces  me,  and  I  feel  as  nervous 
as  though  I  saw  the  whole  stress  and  struggle  raging  before  my  eyes. 

AND  the  memories  of  delightful  friendships,  of  toil  endured  to- 
gether, of  victories  gloriously  celebrated,  of  defeats  manfully  endured, 
of  the  little  troubles  that  diversified  the  monotony  of  training,  the 
nicknames  of  each  member  of  the  crew,  their  little  foibles,  their 
turdy,  honest  disbelief  in  their  rivals,  their  gallant  and  unquench- 
able belief  in  themselves — all  these  are  to  the  man  who  has  rowed  in 

race  a  possession  for  ever.  Of  this  no  length  of  years  can  rob  him ; 
md  as  he  meets  his  old  companions,  and  fights  his  old  races  over  again, 
le  will  declare  to  himself  that  if  he  had  his  life  to  live  once  more  he 
would  be  a  rowing  man  rather  than  anything  else.  That  is  the  con- 
lusion  to  which  Mr.  PITMAN'S  article  has  brought  me.  Those  *ho 
wish  to  know  what  it  means  to  race  should  read  it  for  themselves. 


158 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  4,  1896. 


HERCULES   AND   THE    HYDRANT. 


'APRIL  4,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


159 


$roimt." 


JMr.  THOMAS  HUGHES,  Q.C.,  author  of  the 
inimitable  Tom  Brown's  Schooldays,  died  on 
8unday,'_March  22,  1896.] 

AIR—"  John  Srown." 
MAN'S  delight  and  boyhood's  friend, 
Is  your  life-course  at  an  end  ? 
Troops  of  boys  join  Mr.  Punch  in  deep 

regret,  "TOM  BROWN." 
With  more  or  less  of  truth, 
Age  has  written  abaut  youth. 
But  no  man  has  measured  boyhood  better 

jet,  "Ton  BROWN." 
We  remember  well  the  joy 
We  derived  from  that  "  Old  Boy," 
Large  of  heart,  and  full  of  simple  honest 

pluck,  "  TOM  BROWN," 
Whose  tale  of  fun  and  fist, 
Had  a  charm  none  could  resist ; 
Who  in  boyhood  to  peruse  it  had  1he 
luck,  "  TOM  BROWN." 

Asa  stud  eat  of  boys'  ways, 
And  of  glad  scholastic  days, 
Ton  finished   easy  first,  whoe'er  came 

next,  "TOM  BROWN." 
All  was  honour,  courage,  health, 
In  your  youthful  Commonwealth, 
By  shirk,  and  sneak,  and  sucker  all  un- 

yest,  "ToM  BROWN." 
'Tia  a  picture  waking  pride, 
That  of  school-life's  sunny  side, 
And  all  England  loves  your  typio  English 

lad,  "  TOM  BROWN," 
And  for  many  and  many  a  year, 
To  "  Our  Boys  "  you  will  be  dear, 
Whilst  grown  men  will  read  your  story, 
and  feel  glad,  "  TOM  BROWN  "  I 


A  ROMANCE  OF  THE  RIVER. 

Edwin.  "What  colours  shall  you  wear  at 
the  boat-race,  Miss  Angelina  ?  " 

Angelina  (uncertain  at  to  Edwin's  Univer- 
sity}. ' 'Need  you  ask  ?  True  blue,  of  course ! " 

Edwin  (who  received  his  education  at 
Durham  University,  enthusiastically  clasp- 
ing Angelina  in  his  arms).  "Darling I  I 
felt  certain  that  you  would  heap  coals  of  fire 
on  my  head  for  asking  such  a  question." 

[But,  as  a  matter  of  fact,  he  heaped  the 
coals  on  hers  when  the  time  came  for  set- 
tlements, being  a  large  pit  proprietor. 


The  Bare  Idea. 

Ma.  GLEDSTONE,  of  Streatham,  says  England 

won't  beat 
The  Scotch  till,  at  football,  they  play  with 

bare  feet ! 
Fancy   champion   cups  won,  not  strength, 

pluck  and  skill  by, 

Bat  by  every  footballer  becoming  a  "Trilby"  I 
Ah  I  poor  Mrs.  GKUNDV!    The  notion  must 

shock  her. 
(N.B.  A  new  name  for  this  game:    "The 

wo- Backer"  I ) 

NOTE  ON  NOTES.— At  the  Opera  Comique. 
Some  charming  music  in  Professor  VILLIEBS 
STANFORD'S  opera,  libretto  by  Mr.  <J.  H. 
JESSOP.  Specially  note  "  When  I  was 
Young,"  capitally  sung  and  acted  by  Mr. 
JOSEPH  O'MARA,  and  the  duet  which  he  has 
with  Mr.  STEPHENS  as  a  "heavy"  of  the 
Biitish  Army. 

NOMEN  FELIX.— Why  any  objection  to  the 
appointment  of  Dr.  RICHARD  BRATN  as  Medi- 
cal Superintendent  of  Broadmoor  Criminal 
Lunatic  Asylum?  BRATN,  if  powerful  and 
acting  rightly,  is  exactly  what  is  wanting  at 
such  a  place. 


First  Genius  to  Second  Genius.  "  WHY  ON  EARTH  DO  YOU  DO  YOUR  HAIR  IN  THAT 
ABSURD  FASHION,  SMITH t" 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

THE  GOLFING  NOVICE  TO  THE  FAIR  EXPERT. 

I  HAVE  done,  as  you  wished,  dearest  heart, 

And  have  driven  a  ball  from  the  "  tee." 
How  I  "  sliced  "  and  I  "  pulled  "  at  the  start ! 

Aid  my  "  topping  "  was  awful  to  see  ! 
Then  the  "  globe"  I  repeatedly  missed, 

And  I  "foozled"  my  " iron's  approach." 
While  the  way  I  mismanaged  rny  wrist 

Brought  the  tears  to  the  eyes  of  my  "coach." 

When  I  brought  (ff  a  "putt"  how  they 
cv.affid! 

And  called  it  a  "  gobble  "  or  "  steal." 
And  how  they  unfeelingly  laughed 

When  I  had  with  a  "  stymie  "  to  deal  I 
True,  a  club  is  a  creature  of  grace, 

But  a  bt  range  anatomical  whole, 
For  combined  with  its  "  head,"  "  neck,"  and 
"face,"  ["sole"! 

Are  its  "heel,"  and  its  "toe,"  and  its 


my 


Many  "  rubs  of  the  green"  were  my  lot 

(Thus  I  wounded  a  goose  and  a  boy), 
And  o'er  "bankers"   and  "hazards" 
shot 

Was,  alas !  not  a  thing  full  of  joy  I 
Th'n  '*bad  lies "  often  hindered  the  " run, ' 

And  the  "  niblick  "  was  called  in  request. 
But  e'en  science  is  balanced  by  fun, 

So  I  went  on  with  ignorant  zest  I 

What  a  "  divot "  I  out  from  the  grass 

When  I  made  an  attempt  with  a  "  spoon  "  I 
Oh,  I  felt  such  a  thorough-paced  ass 

As  it  rose  like  a  verdant  balloon  I 
Yet  I  got  round  the  links,  love,  at  last — 

I  won't  trouble  you  now  with  the  ecore— 
But  to  golfing  I  mean  to  hold  fast, 

And  in  "  singles '  we  '11  often  cry  "  Fore! " 


CAUSE  WITHOUT  EFFECT.— An  action  re- 
sulting in  a  farthing's  damages. 


160 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  4,  1896. 


JOTTINGS   AND   TITTLINGS. 

(BY  BABOO  HUBBY  BUNGSHO  JABBERJBE,  B.A.) 

No.  VIII. 

How  Mr.  Jabberjee  delivered  an  Oration  at  a  Ladies1  Delating  Club. 

Miss  SPINE:  (whom  I  have  mentioned  supra  as  a  feminine  inmate  of 
Porticobello  House)  is  in  additum  a  member  of  a  Debating  Female 
Society,  which  assembles  once  a  week  in  various  private  Westbourne 
Grove  parlours,  for  argumentative  intercourse. 

So,  she  expressing  an  anxious  desire  that  I  should  attend  one  of 
these  conclaves,  I  consented,  on  ascertaining  that  I  should  be  afforded 
the  opportunity  of  parading  the  gab  with  which  I 
have  been  gifted  in  an  extemporised  allocution. 

On  the  appointed  evening  I  directed  my  steps, 
under  the  guidance  of  the  said  Miss  SPINE,  to  a 
certain  imposing  stucco  residence  hard  by,  wherein 
were  an  assortment  of  female  women  conversing 
with  vivacious  garrulity,  in  a  delicious  atmosphere 
of  tea,  coffee,  and  buttered  bread. 

After  having  partaken  freely  of  these  comesti- 
bles, we  made  the  adjournment  to  a  luxuriously 
upholstered  parlour,  circled  with  plush-seated 
chairs  and  adorned  with  countless  mirrors,  and 
there  we  began  to  beg  the  question  at  issue,  to- 
whit,  "  To  what  extent  has  Ibsen  (if  any)  contri- 
butedtowards  the  Causeof  Female  Emancipation  ?  " 
which  was  opened  by  a  weedy,  tall  male  gentleman, 
with  a  lofty  and  a  shining  forehead,  and  round, 
owlish  spectacle-glasses.  He  read  a  very  volumi- 
nous paper,  from  which  I  learnt  that  IBSEN  was 
the  writer  of  innumerable  new-fangled  dramas  of 
very  problematical  intentions,  exposing  the  hollow 
conventionalisms  of  all  established  social  usages, 
especially  in  the  matrimonial  department. 

When  he  had  ceased  there  was  a  universal  and 
unanimous  silence,  due  to  uncontrollable  female 
bashf ulness,  for  the  duration  of  several  minutes, 
until  the  chairwoman  exhorted  someone  to  have 
the  courage  of  her  opinions.  And  the  ice  being 
once  fractured,  one  Amurath  succeeded  another  in 
disjointed  commentaries,  plucking  crows  in  the 
teeth  of  the  assertions  of  the  Hon'ble  Opener  and 
of  their  precursors,  and  resumed  their  seats  with 
abrupt  precipitancy,  stating  that  they  had  no 
further  remarks  to  make. 

Then  ensued  another  interim  of  golden  "  Silence 
and  slow  Time,"  as  Poet  KEATS  says,  which  was 
as  if  to  become  Sempiternity,  had  not  I,  rushing  in 
where  the  angels  were  in  fear  of  slipping  up, 
caught  the  Speaker  in  the  eye,  and  tipped  the 
wink  of  my  cacoethes  loquendi. 

To  prevent  disappointment,  I  shall  report  my 
harangue  with  verbose  accuracy. 

Myself  (assuming  a  perpendicular  attitude,  in- 
serting one  hand  among  my  vest  buttons,  and 
waving  the  other  with  a  graceful  affability). 
"  HON'BLE  Miss  CHAIRWOMAN,  MADAMS,  MISSES, 
AND  HON'BLE  MISTER  OPENER,  the  humble  indi- 
vidual now  palpitating  on  his  limbs  before  you  is 
a  denizen  from  a  land  whose  benighted,  ignorant 
inhabitants  are  accustomed  to  treat  the  females  of 
their  species  as  small  fry  and  fiddle  f addle.  Yes, 
Madams  and  Misses,  in  India  the  woman  is  for- 


bidden to  eat  except  in  the  severest  solitude,  and  after  her  lord  and 
master  has  surfeited  his  pangs  of  hunger;  she  may  not  make  the 
briefest  outdoor  excursion  without  permission,  and  then  solely  in  a 
covered  palkee,  or  the  hermetically  sealed  interior  of  a  blinded 
carriage.  (Cries  of '  Shame.')  In  the  Zenana,  she  is  restricted  to 
the  occupation  of  puerile  gossipings,  or  listening  to  apocryphal  fairy 
tales  of  so  scandalising  an  impropriety  that  I  shrink  to  pollute  my 
ears  by  the  repetition  even  of  the  tit-bits.  (Subdued  groans.) 

"Such  being  the  case,  you  can  imagine  the  astonishment  and 
gratification  I  have  experienced  here  this  evening  at  the  intelligence 
and  forwardness  manifested  by  so  many  effeminate  intellects.  (A 
flattered  rustle  and  prolonged  simpering.) 

"  The  late  respectable  Dr.  BEN  JOHNSON,  gifted  author  of  Bos- 
well's  Biography  (applause),  once  rather  humorously  remarked, 
on  witnessing  a  nautch  performed  by  canine  quadrupeds,  that — 
although  their  choreographies!  abilities  were  of  but  a  mediocre 
nature— the  wonderment  was  that  they  should  be  capable  at  all  to 
execute  such  a  hind-legged  feat  and  tour  deforce. 

"  Similarly,  it  is  to  me  a  gaping  marvel  that  womanish  tongues 
should  hold  forth  upon  subjects  which  are  naturally  far  outside  the 
radius  of  their  comprehensions. 


"A  weedy,  tall  male  gentleman." 


"  The  subject  for  our  discursiveness  to-night  is,  "  To  what  extent 
has  Ibsen  contributed  to  the  Cause  (if  any)  of  Female  Emancipa- 
tion ?  "  and  being  a  total  ignoramus  up  to  date  of  the  sheer  existence 
of  said  hon'ble  gentleman,  I  shall  abstain  from  scratching  my  head 
over  so  Sphinxian  a  conundrum,  and  confine  myself  to  knuckling  to 
the  obiter  diction  of  sundry  lady  speakers. 

"There  was  a  stout  full-blown  matron,  with  grey  curl-shavings 
and  a  bonnet  and  plumage,  who  declaimed  her  opinionated  convic- 
tion that  it  was  degrading  and  infra  dig.  for  any  woman  to  be 
treated  as  a  doll.  (Hear,  hear.)  Well,  I  would  hatch  the  question- 
able egg  of  a  doubt  whether  any  rationalistic  masculine  could  regard 
the  speaker  herself  in  a  dollish  aspect,  and  will  assure  her  that  in 
my  fatherland  every  cultivated  native  gentleman  would  approach 
her  with  the  cold  shoulder  of  apprehensive  respect- 
fulness. (The  bonneted  matron  becomes  ruddier 
than  the  cherry  with  complacency,  and  fans  her- 
self vigorously.} 

"  Next  I  shall  deal  with  the  tall,  meagre  female 
near  the  fire- hearth,  in  abbreviated  hair  and  a 
nose-pinch,  who  set  up  the  claim  that  her  sex  were 
in  all  essentials  the  equals,  if  not  the  superiors,  of 
man.  Now,  without  any  gairish  of  words,  I  will 
oroceed  baldly  to  enumerate;  various  important 

physical  differentiations  which (Intervention 

by  Hon'ble  Chairwoman,  reminding  me  that  these 
were  not  in  disputation.)  I  bow  to  correction,  aud 
kiss  the  rod  by  summing  up  the  gist  of  my  argu- 
ment, viz.,  that  it  is  nonsensical  idiotcy  to  suppose 
that  a  woman  can  be  the  equivalent  of  a  man 
either  in  intellectual  gripe,  in  bodily  robustious - 
ness,  or  in  physical  courage.  Of  the  last,  I  shall 
afford  an  unanswerable  proof  from  my  own  person. 
It  is  notorious,  urbi  et  orbi,  that  every  feminine 
person  will  flee  in  panioetrickea  dismay  from  the 
approach  of  the  smallest  mouse. 

"  I  am  a  Bengali,  and,  as  such,  profusely  en- 
dowed with  the  fugacious  instinct,  and  yet,  shall 
I  quake  in  appalling  consternation  if  a  mouse  is  to 
invade  my  vicinity  ? 

"Certainly  I  ehall  not;  and  why?  Because, 
though  not  racially  a  temerarious,  I  nevertheless 
appertain  to  the  masculine  sex,  and  consequen- 
tially my  heart  is  not  capable  of  contracting  at  the 
mere  aspect  of  a  rodent.  This  is  not  to  blow  the 
triumphant  trumpet  of  sexual  superiority,  but  to 
prove  a  simple  undenied  fact  by  dint  of  an  a  fortiori. 
"  Having  pulverised  my  pinched-nose  prede- 
cessor, I  pass  on  to  a  speaker  of  a  very  very  oppo- 
site personality— the  well-proportioned,  beautious 
maiden  with  azure  starry  eyes,  gilded  hair,  and 
teeth  like  the  seeds  of  a  pomegranate  (oh,  si  sic 
omnes  !),  who  vaunted,  in  the  musical  accents  of  a 
cuckoo,  her  right  to  work  out  her  own  life,  inde- 
pendently of  masculine  companionship  or  assist- 
ance, and  declared  that  the  saccharine  element  of 
courtship  and  connubiality  was  but  the  exploded 
mask  of  man's  tyrannical  selfishness. 

"Had  such  shocking  sentiments  been  aired  by 
some  of  the  other  lady  orators  in  this  room,  I  must 
facetiously  have  recalled  them  to  a  certain  fabular 
fox  which  criticised  the  unattainable  grapes  as  too 
immature  to  merit  mastication ;  but  the  particular 
speaker  cannot  justly  be  said  to  be  on  all  fours 
with  such  an  animal.  Understand,  please,  I  am  no 
prejudiced,  narrow-minded  chap.  I  would  freely 


and  generously  permit  plainf  aced,  antiquated,  unmarriageable  madams 
and  misses  to  undertake  the  manufacture  of  their  own  careers  ad  nau- 
seam ;  but  when  I  behold  a  maiden  of  such  excessive  pulchritude — — 
(Second  intervention  by  Hon'ble  Chairwoman,  desiring  me  to  abstain 
from  per  tonal  references.}  I  assure  the  Hon'ble  Miss  CHAIRWOMAN 
that  I  was  not  alluding  to  herself,  but  since  she  has  spoken  in  my 
wheel  with  such  severity,  I  will  conclude  with  my  peroration  on  the 
subject  for  debate,  namely,  the  theatrical  dramas  of  Hon'ble  IBSEN. 
When,  Madams  and  Misses,  I  make  the  odious  comparison  of  these 
works,  with  which  I  am  completely  unacquainted,  to  the  productions 
of  Poet  SHAKSPEARE,  where  I  may  boast  the  familiarity  that  is  a 
breeder  of  contempt,  I  find  that,  in  Hamlet's  own  words,  it  is  the 
'  Criterion  of  a  Satire,'  and  I  shall  assert  the  unalterable  a  priori  of 
my  belief  that  the  melodious  Swan  of  Stony  Stratford,  whether 
judged  by  his  longitude,  his  versical  blanknese,  or  the  profoundly  of 
his  attainments  in  Chronology,  Theology,  Phrenology,  Palmistry, 
Metallurgy,  Zoography,  Nosology,  Chiropody,  or  the  Musical  Glasses, 
has  outnumbered  every  subsequent  contemporary  and  succumbed 
them  all  I" 

With  this,  I  sat  down,  leaving  my  audience  as  sotto  voce  as  fishes 
with  admiration  and  amazement  at  the  facundity  of  my  eloquence, 


APRIL  4,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


161 


and  should  indubitably  have  been  the  recipient  of  innumerable 
felicitations  but  for  the  fact  that  Miss  SPINK,  suddenly  experiencing 
sensations  of  insalubriousness,  requested  me,  without  delay,  to  con- 
duct her  from  the  assemblage. 

I  would  willingly  make  a  repetition  of  my  visit  and  rhetorical 
triumphs,  only  Miss  SPINK  informs  me  that  she  has  recently  termi- 
nated ner  membership  with  the  above  society. 


ALL  BOUND  HER  HAT. 

(Very  New  Version  of  an  old  "  Vitechapel "  Ballad,  discovered  i/n  the 
Pit  of  an  East-End  Theatre.)    KIR— "All  round  my  Hat" 

Chorus : — 

ALL  round  her  hat  she  wears  all  Coven  tGarding, 
All  round  her  hat,  wich  it  is  a  precious  way, 
If  anyone  should  axe  her  the  reason  why  she 

wears  it, 

She'd  tell  him — well  a  eomethink  as  J'd 
ray  ther  not  say. 

'Twas  going  to  my  place  in  the  pit  that  I  did 

meet  her, 
Oh !    I  thought  she  was  a  monster  Jo-loon 

dropped  down  from  the  eky. 
And  I  never  see  a  tile  more  neater  nor  oompleter, 
As  had  primroses  and  poppies  piled  wot  costers  call  "  np-'igh." 

Oh,  the  donah  she  was  tall,  and  her  hat  was  of  that  kind,  too, 

And  cruel  was  the  way  it  did  hintercept  my  eye 
From  a  twigging  of  the  play,  as  in  course  I  was  inclined  to, 

Bat  I  couldn't  dodge  that  market-cart  of  hat,  not  any  wy. 

For  three  mortal  hours  I  dodged,  and  squirmed,  and  started, 
For  three  long  mortal  hours,  as  in  course  I  had  to  stay. 

Bid  luck  to  the  chap,  most  merlicious  and  black-hearted, 
As  invented  lydies'  hats  like  a  blessed  stack  of  hay. 

There  is  some  young  women  as  is  so  precious  bumptious, 
They  want  four  times  as  much  free  room  as  that  for  wot  they  pay. 

I  sez  "  Can't  see  a  bit  o'  that  play,  as  I  am  told  is  scrumptious, 
Alorg  o'  that  confounded  hat  a-bobbin'  in  my  way." 

Oh,  she  guv  me  such  a  rattlesnake  look  out  of  her  eyes,  I  started ! 

She  BCZ,  sez  she,  "  I  ain't  no  statue,  and  hats  is  wore  this  way  1 " 
I  was  awful  sorry  ft  at  my  two  bob  for  a  seat  in  that  pit  I  'd  parted ; 

And  while  these  haystack-hats  is  wore,  not  another  half-dollar 

I'll  pay  1 
jfc  ..      .  Chorus : — 

All  round  my  hat  I  wears  a  green  willow, 

All  round  my  hat,  in  a  weeping  sort  o'  way, 
And  if  anyone  should  axe  me  the  reason  wy  I  wears  it, 

'Tis  oos  o'  that  Tower  o'  Babel  Hat  as  bilked  me  of  that  play  I 


CONDENSED  CONFIDENCE. 

(For  Ladies  only.) 

DEABEST  ETHELDTDA,  —  Since  my  escapade  at  the  Eldorado 
Theatre  of  Varieties  I  have  lived  the  existence  of  a  nun.  Quite 
otherwise  has  been  the  conduct  of  Papa.  Every  night  does  he  sally 
forth  to  his  club,  and  returns  like  a  genuine  Member  of  Parlia- 
ment in  the  email,  wee  hours.  "  Si  jeunesse  savait,  si  vieillesse 
vouvait,"  I  overheard  him  exclaim  yesterday  morning,  as  he  hurled 
his  very  tight,  varnished  boots  at  the  wall  opposite  to  his  bedroom 
door.  I  know  nothing  of  the  capabilities  ofjeunetse,  but  I  am  well 
aware  that  vieillesse  knocked  about  half  a  yard  of  paper  off  the 
opposition  to  his  strength. 

These  reflections  on  my  sire  are  chiefly  caused  by  his  extraordinary 
behaviour  on  the  anniversary  of  St.  Patrick's  day.  Long  as  I  have 
known  my  parent,  and  he  is  a  man  to  be  remembered,  I  have  never 
seen  him  so  pertinaciously  pregnant  with  perverseness.  He  came 
down  to  breakfast  decorated  with  an  enormous  bunch  of  herbs,  which 
I  at  first  imagined  to  be  parsley — sans  monocle  fe  suis  aveugle-^thea. 
clover,  and  finally  discovered  was  a  root  of  shamrock.  "  This  is  a 
great  day  indeed,  me  darlint,"  he  exclaimed,  as  he  tossed  off  his 
cafe  au  lait  (this  self -combined  mixture  is  the  invention  of  an 
ingenious  foreigner,  whose  advertisement  you  will  find  on  the  sixth 
page  of  the  Tea- Topers  Gazette). 

Still  preserving  that  romantic  brogue,  which  is  concomitant,  and 
necessary  to  the  production  of  such  plays  as  Arrah-na-pogue,  The 
Colleen  Eaton,  and,  in  these  latter  days,  to  a  musical  stew  called 
Shamus  O'Brien,  he  invited  me  to  accompany  him  to  an  aristo- 
cratic assembly  at  Londonderry  House,  "where,  bedad,  my  girl, 
you  '11  find  the  foinest  gurls  in  all  London  doin'  their  mighty  oest 
for  the  distrestful  country."  It  is,  perhaps,  needless  to  say,  mamie, 
that  I  overlooked  his  disfiguration  of  speech,  and  made  ready  to  go 


with  him  to  the  noble  mansion  in  question.  The  mite  en  scene 
was  as  perfect  as  the  union  of  hearts.  A  duchess  made  no  more 
scruple  of  exhibiting  her  homespuns  than  did  a  Nationalist  lady  of 
urging  the  unrivalled  quality  of  her  linen.  "  Begorra ! "  cried  my  dad, 
still  in  his  shamrock  disguise,  "  this  a  great  day  for  Odd  Oirelandl " 

For  my  part.  I  was  busily  employed  ^with  ready  pencil  noting  the 
exquisite  coiffures  which  so  constantly  prevented  my  view  of  the 
stalls.  Picture,  ETHELHTDA,  a  broad  hat  of  black  velvet  relieved  by 
cerise  plumes,  which  would  effectually  block  the  view  of  any  stage  in 
Christendom ;  imagine  a  sweet  retiring  chapeau  de  paille  drooping  as 
the  weeping  willow,  from  which  depended  garlands  of  roses,  nastur- 
tiums, jonquils,  and  azaleas,  treasure  and  keep  in  mind  the  freshness 
of  a  toque  formed  of  hare's  ears,  with  the  *'  brush "  of  a  fox  en 
evidence,  and  the  chic  of  a  combination  of  sarsapatilla  leaves  and 
strawberries.  And  the  dresses?  Darling,  they  were  there,  but 
unseen.  The  cold,  drizzling  weather  had  laid  its  stern  hand  on  the 
extraordinary  display,  which  might  reasonably  have  been  expected. 
But  la  belle  dame  sans  merci  (how  I  love  KEATS  I)  had  requisitioned 
every  animal  from  the  beaver  to  the  mole,  from  the  bear  to  the  Arctic 
fox,  which  fur  will,  _  of  _ course,  become  very  reasonable  when  Dr. 
NANSEN  returns  to  civilization.  I  was  really  quite  overcome  by  the 
spectacle.  Papa  was  so  overjoyed  with  the  reception  with  which 
he  met  that  he  disappeared,  and  did  not  come  home  till  Wednesday 
afternoon,  when  I  found  a  pair  of  skates,  marked  "National 
Skating  Palace,"  in  his  overcoat  pccket.  He  says  that  he  subse- 
quently attended  a  meeting  of  the  Eoyal  Geographical  Society. 

Try  this  "pick-me-up."  Rub  an  ounce  of  ground  ginger  on 
three  pounded  capsicums,  add  half-an-ounce  of  Cayenne  pepper, 
season  with  pure  Cognac  (I  have  the  address  of  the  best  providers), 
and  qualify  with  a  gill  of  peppermint.  Papa  declares  that  he  has 
never  been  the  same  man  since  he  consumed  this  potion,  and  his 
experience  is  vast.  Ever,  dear,  Your  loving  cousin,  KAD.J  . 


THE  HYDE  PARK  THEATRE. 

(Advance  Sheets  of  an  Article  ripe  for  use  in  1898.) 

IT  was  scarcely  to  be  supposed  that  after  Mr.  RICHABDS,  M.P., 
had  received  for  an  answer  to  his  question  in  March,  1896,  anent  the 
legality  of  dramatic  sketches  in  Hyde  Park  on  the  first  day  of  the 
week,  a  reply  in  the  affirmative,  that  matters  would  be  allowed  to 
remain  in  statu  quo.  As  all  the  world  knows,  the  movement  once 
recognised  as  lawful  became  the  rage,  and  extended  from  the  peram- 
bulating player  of  the  streets  to  the  regular  actor  of  the  recognised 
West- end  house.  This  being  so,  one  of  our  interviewers  thought  it 
his  duty  to  call  upon  a  representative  of  the  theatres  to  ascertain  the 
views  of  the  profession  upon  a  matter  of  so  much  importance. 

"  Personally,  I  have  no  objection  to  al  fresco  performances,"  said 
the  Representative ;  "  although  I  believe  that  finer  effects  may  be 
obtained  in  the  play-house  than  in  the  Park." 

"  Will  you  kindly  make  your  meaning  plainer." 

"  Well,  you  see  light  and  shade  can  be  more  distinctly  marked  in 
an  enclosure  than  in  the  open  air.  The  actor  under  cover  has  the 
benefit  of  the  electric  light,  which  can  be  turned  on  or  off ;  in  the 
open  he  must  rely  solely  on  the  son  in  the  day  and  on  the  moon  by 
night." 

"  But  in  a  realistic  drama,  would  not  a  shower  of  natural  rain  be 
of  considerable  advantage?  " 

"  Certainly,  if  it  could  be  timed  so  as  to  fall  at  the  proper  cue ; 
but  in  our  changeable  climate  such  an  arrangement  is  difficult  of 
accomplishment." 

"  And  what  sort  of  an  entertainment  should  be  provided  for  the 
Park  promenaders  ?" 

"  It  depends  upon  the  hour.  When 
the  taverns  are  closed  light  comedy 
and  burlesques  would  probably  be 
the  most  popular  fare.  When  6  P.M. 
was  reached,  and  BUNG  resumed  his 
business,  then  tragedy  might  be 
attempted.' 

"  Then  you  consider  tragedy  thirst- 
producing  ?  " 

"  I  believe  that  is  a  fact  resting 
upon  reliable  statistics,"  returned 
the  Representative. 

"One  more  question,"  said  the  In- 
terviewer. "How  do  you  think  the 
Park  can  be  supplied  from " 

"From  our  own  boards?"  put  in 
the  Representative.  "  Why,  that  is 
easy  enough — you  see  the  theatres 
are  closed  on  Sunday."  And  this 
reply  made  our  Interviewer  believe 
that  there  was  something  wrong 
somewhere  in  the  arrangements  of 
the  LOKD  CHAMBEBLAIN.  THE  EGYPTIAN  QUESTION. 


162 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  4,  1896. 


Proud  Father.  "  YES,  HK  's  GOT  HIS  MOTHER'S  EYES  AND  HIS  MOTHER'S  MOUTH  ;  BUT  I  'M  AFRAID  HE  's  TAKEN  MY  WOBST  FEATURE  1 
Grandmamma  (on  the  Mother's  side).  "  Yis  ;  AND  UNFORTUNATELY  HE  's  PUT  IT  RIGHT  iff  TBS  MIDDLE  OF  HIS  FACE  ! " 


EXTRACT  FROM  A  SPINSTERS  DIARY. 

Sunday,  March  29,  1896. — I  have  been  in  great  anxiety  all  day, 
but  I  have  caught  the  train.  I  was  afraid  of  being  just  too  late,  but 
lam  safe  in  my  first-class  carriage  bound  for  the  north.  The  guard 
has  promised  that  I  shall  be  undisturbed  until  my  arrival.  He 
seemed  surprised  that  I  had  no  luggage,  and  I  dare  say  fancied  that 
ray  journey  was  more  or  less  connected  with  a  visit  to  Gretna  Green. 
I  am,  quite  sure  that  I  look  quite  a  young  thing,  although,  as  a 
matter  of  fact,  I  am  of  full  age,  and  consequently  independent  of 
parents  and  guardians.  I  admit  as  much  as  that,  but  my  age  is  my 
affair,  and  the  affair  of  no  one  else.  Fortunately,  I  have  some  light 
literature,  and  consequently  can  pass  the  weary  hours  away.  Let 
me  see.  Here  is  the  Prehistoric  Review.  Capital  article  on  "The 
NewWoiran." 

****** 

Dear  me,  I  must  have  been  thinking  for  some  liltle  while  with  my 
eyes  closed,  and  here  are  two  perfect  strangers  in  official  costumes. 
Too  bad  of  the  guard,  after  the  tip  I  gave  him,  to  permit  their  admit- 
tance. They  seem  amiable  old  gentlemen,  in  spite  of  their  cocked 
hats,  swords,  and  epaulets. 

"  I  am  afraid  I  must  trouble  you  to  fill  up  this  document,"  says 
the  first,  producing  the  very  paper  that  caused  me  so  much  annoy- 
ance when  I  saw  its  fellow  on  the  mantlepiece  in  my  maiden  aunt's 
drawing-room.  "  You  see  the  29th  is  the  day,  and  it  has  to  be  filled 
up  early  the  next  morning,  so  that  the  collector  may  find  it  ready 
wnen  called  for." 

"  But,"  I  replied,  grasping  the  terrible  situation,  "this  is  not  a 
dwelling-house,  and  you  are  not  the  head  of  the  family  I " 

"  For  the  purposes  of  the  Act,"  explained  the  old  gentleman, 

'  everywhere  is  a  dwelling-house ;  as  I  am  a  Scotchman,  no  doubt  I 

am  in  some  way  related  to  you — as  a  cousin  of  some  sort— and  I  am 

certainly  the  head  of  my  family,  as  my  younger  brother  here  will  tell 

you." 

"  Certainly,"  acquiesced  the  second  old  man. 

'What  do  you  want  of  me?"  I  asked,  for  I  saw  that  further 
efforts  to  escape  were  useless.  •'  I  have  done  my  best  to  avoid  this, 
but  the  law  has'conquered." 


"  Not  at  all,"  answered  the  senior  official,  politely ;  "  shall  we  say 
forty-five  ?  " 

I  trembled  with  indignation.  But  I  thought  it  best  to  be  sure 
of  my  ground. 

"  Is  there  any  penalty  in  ch Dosing  my  own  view  of  the  necessity 
of  telling  the  truth  ?  " 

"  The  nominal  penalty  is  £5.  But  then  you  would  have  to  pay  the 
money  in  vain ;  for  we  are  instructed,  when  we  find  that  a  false 
return  has  been  made,  to  ascertain  the  truth,  and  correct  it.  At 
Srmerset  House  all  the  information  we  require  is  ready  to  hand. 
Shall  we  say  fifty-five?" 

"  Or  fifty-six  ?  "  put  in  the  other. 

I  was  about  to  reply,  when  I  lost  all  consciousness ! 

Monday,  April  30.— I  am  to  relieved  I  I  had  been  dreaming  I  The 
guard— a  very  good  man  indeed,  who  has  had  a  second  half-crown 
in  recognition  of  his  services — called  me  when  we  arrived  at  the  ter- 
minus. I  had  fallen  asleep  over  the  Prehistoric  Review.  And  now 
for  breakfast,  and  then  f'home,  sweet  home  "by  the  next  train. 

I  am  so  pleased.    I  have  dodged  the  Census  ! 

*  '    *  »  *  *  * 

Just  returned  to  my  dwelling.  Have  had  all  my  trouble  for 
nothing !  No  inquiry  about  age  in  the  Census  paper  ! 


To  the  "Radical  Committee." 

(And  All  whom  it  may  Concern.) 

"  HOME  Rule  all  Round  "  seems  slightly  "  in  the  air  "  ; 
First  you  must  show— by  votes— Home  Rule  "  All  Square." 
And,  what  seems  strange,  but  true  will  yet  be  found, 
To  "  square  "  the  voters,  you  must  "  bring  them  round. 

SERIOUS  REPORT  Con  FIRMED  1 — In  answer  to  our  inquiries  at  Scot- 
land Yard  we  are  informed  that  the  report  as  to  there  being  "  divi- 
sions in  the  ranks  of  the  police  "  is  only  too  well  founded. 

THE  CET  OF  THE  HOLIDAY-LOVING  CLERK.—"  Easterward  Ho  I " 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI— APBIL  4,  1896. 


LEFT  BEHIND! 


OLD  PARTY.  "HERE!    HI!    STO-0-OO-OP!    WHERE  DO  /COME  IN?" 

["  Considerable  annoyance  is  felt,  both  at  the  Palace  and  at  the  Porte,  that  Turkey  was  not  consulted  in  regard  to  the  expedition." 

Reuter's  Constantinople  Correspondent,  March  25.] 


APRIL  4,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


165 


LOVc    INDEED! 

Angelica,  "CLAUDE,  DARLING,  WHEN  WE  GET  BICH,  WE'LL  BUT 
EACH  OTHER'S  PICTURES  1 " 


CABBY    OR,  REMINISCENCES  OF  THE  RANK  AND  THE  ROAD. 

(By  "  Hansom  Jack.") 
No.  XV.— SHILLING  CAB-FARE?,  FHOM  THE  DHIVEK'S  POINT  OP  VEEW. 

["  The  London  Cabman  tried  my  patience  long  before  his  vehicle  or  his 
horse  tried  my  nerves.    I  am  free  to  confess  that  even  now  the  prejudices 


Sphinx.] 

HOIGHTY-TOIGHTY  I    'Ow  tiffy  and  toffy  'e  is,  this  'ere  gent  with  a 

name  that  is  like  a  Batch  swear  I 
Tt  wouldn't  pertikler  "delight"  me,  I'm  thinking,  to  'ave  'tm 

inside  for  a  long  shilling  fare. 
Tt  would  he  a  long  'un,  I  '11  bet  my  test  'at,  for  I  'm  fly  to  the  stingy, 

"  superior  "  sort, 
As  are  always  a  'ugging  theirselves  on  the  thought  that  they're 

gents,  and  us  chaps,  as  poor  cads,  out  o'  court. 

It  makes  them  "  swell  wisibly,"  this  'ere  hidea,  till  it  seems  as  their 

tight-buttoned  frock-coats  would  bust. 
What  rare  Great  Fanjandryums  they  are,  to  be  sure  ;  or,  leastways, 

would  be,  if  you  take  'em  on  trust. 
They  walks  this  poor  earth  like  drum-majors  or  beadles,  a-shooting 

their  cuffs  and  a-cuddling  their  canes, 
They  fancy  they  're  Joves,  and  if  brollies  was  thunderbolts,  wouldn't 

they  blarst  us,  or  bash  out  our  brains  ? 


,  I'll  keep  on  my  'air,  if  I  can,  though  a-reading  this 

article  gives  me  the  'ump. 
K  thinks  we  are  all  brutal  bullies  and  grumblers.    Ahl  VANDAM, 

old  man,  that's  a  far  bigger  jump 
Than  ever  you  '11  see  at  the^Varsity  sports.    There  is  Cabbies  of  all 

sorts,  —  and  so  there  is  fares. 
You  pick  out  the  surliest  Jehus  you  know,  and  J'llpick  out  "  gents" 

as  '11  run  'em  in  pairs. 


If  you  'd  try  just  one  week  about  town  on  the  box  of  a  Hansom  or 

Growler,  you'd  know  the  "  delights 
Of  a  shilling  cab-fare"  ain't  confined  to  the  "  fare."  Not  to  mention 

'ard  weather,  cold  days  and  wet  nights, 
Long  waits  and  lumbago,  east  wind  and  stiff  joints,  we  'aye  got 

'  Uman  Nature  to  fight  with  as  well ; 
And  though  you  may  think  that  confined  to  us  "Jehus,"  yon'll  see 

it  crop  up  now  and  then  in  a  swell, 

You  would,  swelp  me  scissors  I    For  surliness,  stinginess,  ah,  and 

brutality  .many  a  toff 
Would  give  BANDY  B ADOBE  a  bit  and  a  beating.    Now  BAWDY'S  a 

brute,  and  a  little  bit  off ; 
'Is  temper,  I  own,  is  as  catchy  as  teazles,  'is  manners  is  bad,  and  'is 

mind  on  the  grab ; 
But  don't  you  emagine  that  temper  and  trickiness  are  to  be  found 

only  outside  a  cab ! 

We  ain't  'ot-'ouse  flowers,  nor  yet  Parian  himages ;  I  never  yet 

knowed  a  Cabby  with  wings. 
But  long  tails  and 'oofs  ain't  our  regular  wear,  neither,  Sir.   Syrups, 

and  saints,  and  such  'eavenly  things, 
Might  be  just  a  bit  out  o'  place  on  the  box,  in  a  jammed  London 

street,  with  a  Tartar  hinside 
A-proddin'  your  ribs  with  a  pinted  humbreller,  and  letting  'is 

swear-words  flow  frequent  and  ^vide. 

Hangels  with  whips  is  remarkable  rare  birds ;  but  dittoes  in  broad- 
cloth or  silk  don't  ran  free. 

Say  you  are  'ailed  by  a  'orty  haw-hawer,  as  looks  as  if  'e  'eld  all 
London  in  fee; 

Sniffs  at  you  sidewise,  and  cusses  your  mare  if  she  shifts  half  an 
inch,  or  gives  just  the  least  splash. 

"Park  Lane,  and  drive  like  the  dayvill"  'e  snaps;  ard  you  touch 
your  old  'at  and  are  off  at  full  dash. 

Keeps  on  a-firing  at  you  through  the  trap  all  the  way  with  remarks 

as  establish  a  raw ; 
Calls  you  a  slug,  and  your  'orse  a  old  crock,  and  runs  lots  o'  big  d's 

in  the  slack  of  'is  jaw ; 
Looks  at  you  out  of  'is  blue  saucer  eyes,  as  if  you  was  a  stray  lump 

o'  dirt  on  'is  nose, 
And  chucks  you  a  shilling  for  two-and-a-aif  mile  o'  ground.    You 

should  washup  that  swell,  I  suppose. 

Even  us  Cabbies  are  not  made  of  putty,  and  sometimes,  I  own, 

would  forfeit  the  fare 
To  land  just  one  domino  on  a  swell's  boko  that  cocks  at  my  sort  with 

so  scornful  a  hair. 
Mr.  VANDAM  talks  of  thrashing  a  Cabby,  for  being  "impertinent"  to 

a  swell  toff, 
As  though  'twas  as  easy  as  writing  about  it,  and  'e  was  cocksure  'ow 

the  scrap  would  come  off. 

Well,  well ;  gents  are  smart  with  their  mawlies  sometimes ;  but  it 

isn't  that  sort  as  lead  Cabby  a  life ; 
It's  the  popinjay  species,  hinsulting  and  stingy,  who,  when  they're 

fair  tackled,  shut  up  like  a  knife, 
Unless  there' 's  a  bobby  close  'andy!    A'iding's  a  good  wholesome 

lesson  to  cads,  'igh  or  low. 
But  when  it 's  a  question  of  fists  and  best  man,  it  is  not  always  hodds 

on  the  fare,  dontcherknow. 

I  once  got  well  licked  by  a  swell,  and  deserved  it !    That  ewell  is  a 

reglar  with  me  to  this  day. 
But  don't  say  poor  Cabby  is  always  to  blame,  for  there 's  facts  I  could 

prove  as  go  quite  t'other  way. 
"A  bob  and  a  cuss,  eighteen  pence  and  a  grumble"      Well,  yes, 

there's  too  much  o'  that  sort,  I  dessay ; 
Bat  before  you  can  size  up  the  Cabbies  as  growl,  you  'ave  got  to  take 

stcck  of  the  parties  as  pay. 

Fair 's  fair,  yes,  but  fare  is  not  fair— not  sometimes.  Abuse,  bully- 
ing, cheating  are  not  all  one  side, 

And  it 's  wonderfol  'ow  much  "  brutality  "  goes  now  and  then  with 
swell  garments  and  hoceans  of  pride. 

A  gent  as  is  really  a  gent  takes  the  cake,  'e 's  the  pick  o'  the  basket, 
if  I  'm  any  judge  ; 

But  it  isn't  the  cash  or  the  cloth  makes  that  sort,  and  the  party  as 
fancies  they  do  fancies  fudge. 

Mr.  V.  runs  us  'ard.    Stillsomever,  'e's  right  to  a  pint.    There  are 

Cabbies  who 're  bullies  and  bears. 
But,  ah  I  let  'im  try.  for  a  twelvemonth  or  to,  to  rear  morals  and 

manners  on  short  shilling  fares. 
Cab-ranks  ain't  recruited  from  scholars  and  gents,  nor  saints  don' 

drop  their  trumpets  to  'andle  a  whip. 
I  know  "Shilling  Cab-fares,"  p'r'aps  better  than  him,  so  I  'ope  he'l 

excuse  me  for  giving  the  tip. 


166 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAKIVARI. 


[APRIL  4,  1896. 


SHOW    SUNDAY. 

Vandyke  Bnwne.  " PEACE  MF  DFAR  LYDV,  P2ACS  AKD  REFINEMENT,  THOSE  ARE  THE  TWO  ESSENTIALS  IN  AN  ARTISI'JJ  SURROUNDINGS." 

[Enter  Master  and  Mist  Browne^     Tableau  ! 


RULE,  COLUMBIA.  ! 

(New  Version  of  an  old,  but  obsolete,  piece  oj 
Patriotic  "Blowing.") 

[M.  NICOL  TBSZLA,  the  great  electrician,  in 
America,  thinks  it  will  goon  be  possible  to  dispense 
•with  telegraph  wires,  and  transmit  messages  to 
any  place  on  earth,  or  even  the  nearer  planets,  by 
the  utilisation  of  "  electric  waves."] 

AIB—  "  Rule,  Britannia.11 

WHEN  Yankeedom,  at  heaven's  command, 

Arose  from  out  the  Atlantic  "  wet," 
This  was  the  motto  of  that  land  : 
11  We'll  lick  creation,  yes,  you  bet!  " 
Rule  Columbia  I  rule  the  (electric)  waves  ! 
The  elements  themselves  shall  be  Ihy 
slaves  I 


BULL,  not  half  so  smart  as  thee, 
Rules  ocean's  waves  with  trident-  flail  ; 
But  thou  shall  bind  the  planets  free, 
And  catch  wild  comets  by  the  tail. 
Rale  Columbia,  rale  the  (electric)  waveal 
They're   better,  far,  than   mere  black 
Nigger  slaves  I 

Thv  MONROE  Doctrine  wide  may  reign, 
('Tis  Heaven's  own  law,  some  swear,  not 

thine  !  ) 

But  now  thou  'It  sway  beyond  earth's  main, 
To  —  wheresoever  stars  may  shine  ! 
Rale,  Columbia,  rule  the  (electric)  waves  ! 
(Think  what  a  nile  (in  posts  and  wires)  it 
saves  I 


LITERARY  SCRAPS. 

ME.  PUNCH,  SIR,— As  the  representative 
of  English  Literature,  allow  me  to  address 
you.  I  wish  t  >  suggest  to  you  that  the  novels 
and  plays  of  to-day  are  far  easier  of  con- 
struction than  thoss  written  in  the  earlier 
y  ( ars  of  the  century.  Nowadays  something  is 
left  to  the  imagination.  To  make  my  meaning 
plainer,  I  will  imagine  that  the  careers  of 
EDWIN  and  ANGELINA  have  become  hopelessly 
involved.  The  first  is  married  to  someone 
else,  and  the  second  is  betrothed  to  a  person 
>he  hates.  In  the  days  of  old  the  writer 
would  have  cleared  <  If  the  superfluous  wife 
and  disposed  of  the  unnecessary  fiance.  But 
in  1896  such  a  task  is  superfluous.  All  that 
the  novelist  has  to  do  is  to  cet  down  some- 
thing like  the  folbwing:— 

CONCLUSION  OF  A  MODERN  NOVEL 

"  This  is  my  wife,"  said  EDWIN,  at  length. 
He  was  weary  of  continuing  the  deception. 

"  And  this  is  ray -fiance ; "  and  ANGELINA 
turr  ed  red  and  white,  and  trembled. 

"  It  is  a  great  mistake,"  he  murmured;  "  a 
great  mistake! " 

"You  are  right,"  she  replied,  adopting  a 
tone  telling  of  anguish.  ''You  are  always 
light.  And  you  were  never  so  right  as  now." 
And  then  they  both  looked  out  of  the  window. 

THE  END. 

Nothing  further  is  needed.  "  They  both 
looked  out  of  the  window  "  is  quite  enough. 


The  reader  can  supply  the  remainder  at  his 
or  her  discretion. 

Then  take  the  play.  Thirty  or  forty 
years  ago  a  "social  problem,"  when  in- 
troduced, had  to  be  solved.  Virtue  had  to 
be  triumphant  and  vice  vanquished  in  the 
final  act.  But  nowadays  this  sort  of  aiding 
is  quite  out  of  date.  Suppose  that  two  men 
are  face  to  face  prepared  to  fight  a  duel.  The 
lady  of  both  their  loves  is  on  the  stage,  and 
so  is  her  guardian.  Then  the  author  may 
give  the  following : — 

END  OF  A  MODEBN  PLAT. 

Henry  (fiercely).  At  last  your  hour  is 
come  I  I  will  not  set  down  my  rapier  until 
it  baa  rid  the  world  of  a  villain  and  a  slave ! 

Matthew.  As  you  will.  I  hurl  back  your 
dtfiince!  [They  fight  for  a  few  minutes, 
ana  then  pause. 

Young  Lady  (during  the  pause).  How  will 
it  conclude  ? 

Guardian.  I  wonder  I  [Curtain. 

You  will  tea,  by  the  above  examples,  that 
the  end  of  a  novel  or  a  play  nowadays  may 
be  as  simple  as— well,  say  a  modern  reader. 
Yours  abruptly, 

ONE  OF  THE  NEW  SCHOOL. 
Spaiish  Castle,  Itle  of  Sky e. 


CON.  BY  A  CYNIC.— Can  the  rather  noisy 
"Independent  Labour  Party"  really  be  the 
Party  which  desires  to  be  independent  of 
Labour  ? 


APRIL  4,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


167 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

TOLD  in  the  Twilight  (F.  V. 
WHITE  &  Co.)  is  a  title  likely  to 
captivate  all  who  expect  from  it  a 
series  of  mysterious  tales,  quaint 
goblinesque  legends,  and  blood- 
curdling ghost -stories.  Verily, 
those  who  indulge  in  such  antici- 
pations are,  on  taking  up  ADELINE 
SERGEANT'S  book,  doomed  to  dis- 
appointment; but  after  being 
caught  by  the  first  story  they 
probably  will  be  led  on  to  read 

just  one  more,"  (a  good  title,  by 
the  way,  not  patented,  or  other- 
wise protected,)  and  not  be  con- 
tented until  the  last  is  reached 
and  finished.  During  this  course, 
the  well-informed  reader  will  pro- 
bably have  been  struck  by  the 
close  resemblance  which,  in  many 
respects,  Mr.  ORLANDO  BATEMAN, 
the  organist  in  "  Lady  Ellenpr's 
Romance,"  bears  to  Svengali  of 
Trilby  fame.  "  He  was  liyidly 
pale,  lean,  not  very  tall,  with  a 
shock  of  black  hair,  and  immense 
black  eves."  "  He  looked  so  fierce 
and  wild,"  and  "when  playing, 
he  threw  back  the  long,  black 
hair  that  was  apt  to  stray  over 
his  white  forehead."  Isn't  this 
uncommonly  like  Mr.  BEEBBOHM 
TBEE  as  Svengali  f  "I  know  that 
most  people  call  him  ugly:  but 
they  have  not  seen  him  at  work." 
And  Lady  Ellenor,  like  Trilby, 
is  Svengalivinised  by  the  aquiline 
rosed,  glittering  eyed  musician. 
However,  Lady  Ellenor  isn't  a 
Trilby,  and  the  en-chanting  orga- 
nist is  not  a  Svengali.  All  ends 
happily.  These  stories  told  in  the 
twilight  may  be  read  in  broad  day- 
light, or,  in  fact,  at  any  time,  to 


FANCY   PORTRAIT. 


"OLD  OOMPAULOPPOMUS"  AT  HOME. 


the  delight  of  the  reader  and 
the  profit  of  the  authoress  and 
publisher. 


DOLLARS  AND  SENSE; 
Or,  The  Doom  of  the  Matinee  Hat. 

[The  Legislature  of  Ohio  have  just 
passed  a  law  forbidding  women  to 
wear  large  hats  at  theatres.] 

IT  may  not  in  all  things  be  worthy 

or  wise, 

Our  laws  and  our  modes  to  Ameri- 
canise ; 
But  here  is  a  point  on  which 

thousands  would  thank 
Our  M.P.'s  for  taking  a  tip  from 

the  Yank. 
For  where 's  the  male  victim  who 

ever  hath  sat, 

Unseeing,  behind  a  hugh  "  Ma- 
tinee hat," 
Who  will  not  rejoice  when  our 

Government  cDllars, 
For  every  such  nuisance,  a  fine  of 

ten  dollars  ? 
(N.B.  The  poor  manager^'  lives 

will  be  Hades ! 
The  fine  should  be  paid  by  the 

selfish  fine  ladies.) 
A.  man  might  as  well  be  as  blind 

as  a  bat, 
As  sit  in  the  rear  of  a  Matinee 

hat. 
And  it  makes  an  old  theatre-goer 

to  sigh,  Oh ! 
To  tbink  that  his  lot  is  not  cast 

in  Ohio. 


BUSINESS  BEFOBE  EVERYTHING. 
—Our  "Friend  in  the  City  "  hear- 
ing of  the  advance  on  Kassala, 
wishes  to  know  if  the  property 
has  been  properly  valued. 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTBA.CTED  FfiOM  THE  DIAKT  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  March  23. — Good  deal  of  variety 
about  House  of  Commons.  This  day  last  week  benches  crowded ; 
interest  intense ;  subject,  new  war  in  the  Soudan.  To-night  benches 
moderately  filled;  no  lack  of  speech- making ;  a  smell  of  chopped 
straw  through  the  House ;  a  disposition  amongst  Borough  Members 
to  come  down  in  gaiters  and  shooting  coats ;  WALTER  LONG,  all 
alone  on  Treasury  Bench,  humming  to  himself  the  plaintive  air, 
"  Go  briny  the  Cattle  Home." 

Bill  under  discussion  a  modest  measure  branded  Diseases  of 
Animals  Bill.  Simply  but  effectually  proposes  that  all  Foreign  and 
Colonial  Cattle  shall  be  slaughtered  ac  port  of  entry.  Liberals  spy 
under  its  muffler  the  beard  of  Protection.  Criticism  not  confined  to 
Opposition  benches.  Several  Members  rise  from  Ministerial  side 
and  declare  they  will  have  none  of  it.  New  House  has  two  Men 
from  WHITELEY'S  ;  one  the  Universal  Provider  sent  on  from  Stock- 
port  ;  the  other  from  Ashton-under-Lyme.  It  was  the  representa- 
tive of  the  Athton  branch  who  spoke  the  other  night  on  bi- metal- 
Ham.  Our  Young  Man  from  Stockpart  turned  up  to-night, 
interrupting  WALTER  LONG'S  pretty  tong  with  protest  against  this 
measure.  Never  since,  in  almost  forgotten  play,  WILSON  BARRETT 
used  to  raise  two  lean  arms  to  Heaven,  and  cry  aloud,  "  How  long  ? 
How  long  ?  "  has  there  been  seen  anything  so  pathetic  as  the  Stock- 
port  Man  from  WHTTELET'S  lament  over  this  Cattle  Bill. 

"  Sir,"  he  said,  dropping  a  scalding  tear  almost  on  the  unprotected 
bead  of  the  Minister  for  Agriculture,  reclining  on  the  Treasury  Bench, 
"  I  regret  that,  having  been  elected  to  oppose  Home  Rule,  I  should 
be  asked  at  this  early  period  of  the  Session  to  support  what  I  cannot 
help  calling  an  English  Land  League." 

Observe  how,  even  in  the  torrential  passion  of  the  moment,  this 
sentence  is  carefully  shaded.  If  it  had  not  been  so  early  in  the 
Seision  it  wouldn't  have  been  so  bad.  In  July  a  cup,  however  bitter 
its  contents,  might  be  drained,  which,  proffered  in  March,  is  fatal. 
Then  there  is  the  apologetic  introduction  of  the  scathing  reference 
to  an  English.Land  League.  "  I  cannot  help  calling  it "  an  English 


Land  League,  said  Our  Stockport  Representative,  slightly^  turning 
a»ide  his  head  to  hide  his  emotion,  a  movement  which,  accidentally 
altering  the  course  of  the  falling  tear,  averted  a  catastrophe  WAXTER 
LONG  would  have  felt  more  acutely  than  most  men  of  his  age. 

After  this  desperate  attack  from  the  Opposition  benches,  with 
answering  signs  of  revolt  from  besieged  camp,  a  little  surprising  to 
find  that  the  malcontents  mustered  only  95,  leaving  Ministers  in  a 
majority  of  149. 

Business  done. — Diseases  of  Animals  Bill  read  second  time. 

Tuesday.— "  The  longer  I  live,  dear  TOBY,"  said  the  SQUIRE  OF 
MALWOOD  just  now  as  we  strolled  through  the  division  lobby  on  the 
London  Water  Bills  question,  "the  more  I  feel  like  one  who  treads 
alone  some  banquet- hall  deserted.  In  the  political  world  I  am 
becoming  a  sort  of  mastodon  of  Liberalism.  If,  when  I  finally 
answer  the  cry  '  Who  goes  home  ? '  they  would  promise  not  to  put  a 
statue  of  me  in  the  central  lobby,  I  wouldn't  mind  bequeathing  my 
skeleton  to  the  Natural  History  Museum.  With  a  suitable  label,  it 
might  prove  of  interest,  and  would  serve  as  a  lesson,  to  coming 

generations.  Every  day  questions  crop  up  which  show  what  chasms 
ave  been  riven  in  the  political  world  within  the  last  dozen  years. 
Here,  for  example,  is  this  proposal  of  the  London  County  Council  to 
take  over  the  Water  System  of  the  Metropolis.  Sixteen  years  ago  the 
question  was  before  a  committee  of  the  House  of  Commons,  of  which 
1  was  Chairman,  with  DON  JOSE  as  faithful  henchman.  Hard  work  to 
hold  him  in  in  those  days,  when  there  was  a  Tory  fence  or  ditch  to  be 
taken.  Perhaps,  if  he  had  one  passion  stronger  than  another,  it  was 
for  the  unfettered  action  of  municipal  authority  over  all  matters 
affecting  the  ratepayers.  After  sixteen  years  the  question  comes  up 
again.  DON  JOSE  and  I  walk  apart.  A  fathomless  river  flows 
between.  I  am  here  still,  fighting  for  the  old  principles  of  1880. 
DON  JOSE  is  on  the  other  bank,  eligible  quarters  laid  out  as  villas 
for  the  gentlemen  of  England,  and  the  London  ratepayers  will  be 
the  poorer  by,  some  say,  twenty  millions,  the  lowest  estimate  putting 
it  down  at  five. 

"This  only  an  episode  in  a  long  tragedy,  a  chapter  in  an  inter- 
minable history.  JOKIM  and  HARTINGTON  are  also  on  the  other  side 
of  the  river.  But  that  is  a  matter  for  small  surprise  compared  with 


168 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


4,  1896. 


DOIT  JOSE'S  somersault.  We  confront  each  other  at  every  turn  of 
events.  One  gets  used  to  it,  as.benelicent  Nature  in  time  blunts  all 
sharp  edges.  But  sometime?,  as  to-night,  the  state  of  things  is 


ONLY   SURVtV»NG 
SPECIMEN  KNOWN 

Of    THB    T«U»     CEH04  - 


Unique  Specimen  from  Natural  History  Museum. 

brought  home  with  peremptory  force,  and  one  feels  a  little  lonely 
treading  the  old  familiar  paths." 

Business  done.— London  County  Council's  proposal  to  acquire 
waterworks  thrown  out  by  287  votes  against  125. 

Wednesday.—  Our  British  life  and  habits  so  monotonous  in 
manner,  so  sombre  in  colour,  variation  from  the  commonplace  is 
ever  acceptable.  Thus  House  to-day  delighted  to  see  CUTHBEBT 
QUILTER  and  KENYON-SLANEY  rolling  in  the  vat.  For  more  perfect 
vraisemblance  QUILTER  had  donned  smock,  with  big  hat  and  boots, 
usually  worn  by  brewers'  draymen.  That  nothing  should  be  lacking, 
had  learned  off  an  oath  or  two.  SERGEAHT-AT-ABMS  diew  the  line 
at  that.  Wasn't  certain  at  first  about  the  vat ;  but  remembered  how, 
in  earlier  Parliament,  petitions  on  some  burning  question  been 
brought  in  in  bales,  packed  below  Gangway,  so  that  Members  could 
not  see  each  other  across  the  pile.  Suggested  that  Member  address- 
ing1 House  should  scramble  on  top  and  thence  deliver  his  speech. 

If  that  might  be,  why  shouldn't  QUILTEB  carry  out  his  brilliant 
idea  of  packing  his  petitions  in  favour  of  pure  beer  in  a  hogshead, 
label  it  "  QUILTEB' s  Entire,"  and  get  KENYON-SLANEY  (who  will 
do  anything  if  promised  an  opportunity  of  making  a  speech)  to  help 
him  roll  it  in  ?  So  it  was  done. 

SAKE  tells  me  that  when  Mr.  G.  went  out  to  the  opening  of  the 
Baltic  Canal,  QUILTEB  was  one  of  DON  CUBBIE'S  guests.  A  Copen- 
hagen paper,  printing  list  of  the  company,  mentioned  among  the 
nobility  and  gentry,  "Sir  CUTHBEBT  QUIETS,"  meaning  the  Member 
for  Sudbury.  Sir  CUTHBEBT  by  no  means  Quiets  to-day.  This  his 
great  opportunity,  and  be  rose  to  it.  Began  at  earliest  moment. 
As  soon  as  vat  was  trundled  into  position,  leaned  his  elbow  on  it, 
crossed  one  leg,  and  began  to  discourse  about  the  contents.  Six 
hundred  yards  long  was  the  petition  ;  26,000  signatures  it  bore ;  £10 
had  been  subscribed — what  for  nobody  knows.  SPEAKER  inter- 
fered ;  couldn't  have  speech  at  this  juncture. 

Sir  CUTHBEBT  stood  on  another  leg,  and  began  again.  Everybody 
had  signed  the  petition,  from  the  bishop  on  his  throne  down  to 

"  Order!  Order  I  "  said  the  SPEAKEB,  sternly. 

Sir  CUTHBEBT  once  more  changed  his  position,  and  continued. 
Inhabitants  of  West  Suffolk,  East  Cambridgeshire,  and  part  of  the 
Saffron- Walden  division  of  Essex 

"Order!  Order!"  cried  the  SPEAKEB.  "The  Clerk  will  now 
proceed  to  read  the  Orders  of  the  Day." 

Sir  CUTHBEBT,  not  having  another  leg  to  stand  upon,  sat  down. 
The  vat  rolled  out,  the  smock  taken  off,  he  presently  reappeared; 
delivered  luminous  speech,  showing  how  the  Pyramids  were  built  on 


Sure  beer;  how  Edward  the  Confessor  not  only  asked  for  his  pint 
aily,  but  saw  that  he  got  it ;  and  how  in  the  Middle  Ages  ale-tasters 

apparently  sampled  beer  through  their  leather  breeches.  A  luminous, 
learned,  picturesque  address.  So  wrought  upon  imagination 
and  conviction  of  CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EXCHEQUEB  that  he  pro- 
mised Committee  of  ale-tasters  to  sit  upon  the  question. 

Business  done. — Sir  CUTHBEBT  QUIETS  (of  Copenhagen)  dis- 
courseth  on  the  Purity  of  Bfer. 

Friday. — SAGE  OF 
QUEEN  ANNE'S  GATE 
long  since  removed  from 
thoroughfare  whence, 
after  fashion  of  other 
lords  of  the  soil,  he  de- 
rived his  designation. 
Lives  now  at  No.  5,  Old 
Palace  Yard,  where  he 
can  keep  his  eye  on 
House  of  Lords  imme- 
diately over  the  way. 
Property  much  im- 
proved of  late  by  clear- 
ing space  near  Chapter 
House,  opening  up  view 
of  Westminster  Abbey. 
When  SAGE  tired  of  re- 
flecting on  near  future 
of  House  of  Lords,  he 
can  walk  into  another 
room  and  muse  over 
glorious  history  of  Es- 
tablished Cnurch.  Thus 
appropriately  set  be- 
tween Church  and 
State,  he  passes  the 
quiet  evening  of  a  use- 
ful life. 

Repose  just  now 
rudely  threatened. 
Why,  WHITMOBE  wants 
to  know,  should  No.  5, 
Old  Palace  Yard,  remain 
when  houses  contiguous 

pulled  down  ?  Improvement 

already  established  is  great. 

Throw  in   No.   5   and  the 

charm  is  complete. 

AKEBS-DOUGLAS,  ques- 
tioned on  subject,  jumps  at 

suggestion.     No  doubt,  he 

says,  removal  of  No.  5  would 

greatly  add  to  improvement. 

The  SAGE  much  interested  in 

embellishment   of    London. 

Now's   his    opportunity   of 

doing  something  that  would 

conspicuously    contribute       "  The  Irish  Question  remains  a  vast  and 

A    jt  menacing   note    of   interrogation   in   the 

SAGE  didn't  happen  to  be  »«d*£  °|  g«  Cmpire.»-iorrf  Rosebery  at 

in  his  place  when  converea-  *»**"***• 

tion  took  place.    Which  was  a  pity,  as  a  word,  even  a  nod  of  assent, 

might  have  settled  it  right  off.    But  House  has  no  doubt  how  thing 

will  end. 
Business  done. — The  Dook  been  thinking  over  what  he  read  in 

Punch  a  fortnight  back— that  passage  written  ages  ago  in  a  forgotten 

play.    The  tcene,  it  will  be  remembered    passes  between  Cassius 

Mummius    and    Scipio^    Minor    (Dux    Nobilis).      Cassius    (Prince 

ABTHUB)  presses  on  Scipio  (the  Dook)  pension  of  £1800  a  year. 

Scipio.  I  thank  the  gods ! 

But  for  a  soldier  tired  of  war's  alarms 
There's  no  reward,  save  virtue !    All  the  rest 
Is  dross  !    I  '11  none  of  it !    Yet  for  your  courtesy 
I  thank  you. 

PRINCE  ARTHUR,  throwing  into  proae  this  fine  passage  from  "  The 
Roman  Warrior,"  read  it  to  the  House.  Comes  to  same  thing ; 
Dook  won't  have  the  money ;  but  House  would  have  preferred  the 
poetry,  especially  as  there  it  was,  ready  made. 

Nemesis  and  the  New  Woman. 

(By  an  Acrid  Anti-Cyclist.} 

WOMAN'S  soft  charm,  which  once  all  men  might  feel, 
Is  now  (like  traitors)  "  broken  on  the  wheel." 
Nor  let  this  woe  from  wheel  her  champion  vex 
Women  on  wheels  are  traitors — to  their  sex  I 


APRIL  11,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


169 


IURZON  AND  CRISES. 

THE  mystery  of  Isis 
A  wonder  to  the  wise  is : 
Yet  'tis,  though  fraught 
With  marvel,  naught, 
Co— CUBZON  on  a  Crisis  ! 

)ur  clever  Mr.  CUBZON 
.s  a  superior  person. 

A  sage  more  "poz" 

There  never  was 
?or  bard  to  turn  a  verse  on. 

Ie  told  us,  in  the  Autumn, 
That  Crises, — tcAenwe"caughV' 

'em, — 

"Were  always  due 
To  some  Rad  crew ; 
About  no  Tory  brought  'em. 

England  was  cdm  and  sober, 
As  a  bland  air  by  AUBEB, 

Since  SALISBURY  came 

Our  foes  to  tame ; — 
But  that  was  last  October  I 

We  never,  never,  never 
From  peace  were  like  to  sever 

While  CECIL  great 

Controlled  the  State, 
With  CUBZON,  young  and  clever. 

Bntere  1he  Springtime,  Crise  j, — 
Despite  CUBZON'S  "  advices," — 
Were  plentiful 
With  poor  JOHN  Bow, 
As  hot-croES  buns  or  icss. 

The    Turk   turned   cross    and 
cranky ; 

The  Dutchman  and  the  Yankee 
Raised  rows,  despite 
Sige  SALISBURY'S  sleight, 

And  CTTBZON'S  hanky-panky. 

The  Muscovite  and  Teuton 
Oar  troubles  were  not  mute  on. 

To  calculate 

The  cares  of  State 
Might  floor  Sir  ISAAC  NEWTON. 


HONEST    PENNY. 


WHAT  HAVE  YOU  BEEN  DOING  ALL  DAY  ? " 

WBITING  AN  ARTICLE  FOR  THE  GADFLY," 

WHO  ABOUT?"  "ROBERT  BROWNING." 

SUPPOSE  VOF  'VE  READ  A  LOT  OF  HIM  ?  " 

NOT  I  I    BUT  I  MET  HIM  ONCE  AT  AN  AFTERNOON  TEA." 


To  make  things  more  chaotic — 
(Oh.  destiny  despotic !) — 
»;  The  Egyptian  Sphinx 

Drew  into  kinks 
Our  policy  Nilotic. 

Is  CURZON  therefore  troubled 
That  he  poor  Britons  bubbled. 

Lord !  not  a  mite ! 

These  crises  slight 
He  'd  willingly  see  doubled. 

Crises— unto  a  Tory — 

Are  means  of  gain  and  glory ; 

But  with  your  Rad, 

If  things  go  bad- 
Why,  that 's  another  story  I 


EXTRACTS  FROM  A  NEW  GER- 
MAN GRAMMAR. — The  preposi- 
tion wegen,  "on  account  of," 
governs  the  genitive  case.  Ex- 
ample:— The  ruler  made  a 
sheep's-head  of  himself  (hatte 
sich  einen  Schafs-kopf  gemacht) 
on  account  of  the  wire  (wegen 
desDepeschen).  Little  WILLIAM 
(der  kleiner  WILSLXLM)  is  fond 
of  (liebt)  the  drum  and  trumpet 
on  account  of  the  noise  (wegen 
des  Larmes) ;  but  he  fears  (er 
furchtet)  to  vex  his  kind  grand- 
mother on  account  of  the  slipper 
(wegen  der  Pantoffelri). 


MARS  ET  PRJETEREA  HIHTL. — 

The  Eton  contingent  mustered 
strongest  at  the  Public  Schools 
Field  Day  at  Aldershot.  Natu- 
rally, for  are  not  the  boys  al- 
ways expected  to  be  ready  for 
WARRE  ? 


A  COMPETITION  IN  WHICH 
THE  "SPOT"  STROKE  is  NOT 
BARRED. — American  corn-deal- 
ing. 


A  MONTE  CARLO  HOTEL  BILL. 

THE  following,  as  an  improvement  on  the  present  system  of  in- 
sufficient charges,  is  respectfully  offered  to  the  Hotel  Proprietors  of 
the  Principality  of  Monaco.  It  is  hoped  that  this  specimen  of  au 
account  for  one  small  bedroom  for  one  night  will  ojnvince  those 
gentleman  that  the  new  method  is  an  admirable  one,  and  worthy  of 
immediate  adoption. 

HOTEL  SPLENDIDE  ET  DES  MINES  D'OR. 


Note  de  M,  John  Robinson,  No.  1536. 


Chambre    . 
Service  de  1'hotel       . 
Service  de  1'etage 
Service  de  la  chambre 
Electricite  .        . 
Lumiere     . 
Bougie        . 
Lit  (oreiller  compris) . 
Chaises  (deux,  a  3  fcs.) 
Miroir         .        . 
Table  .... 
Fenetre       .        .        . 
Porte  (clef  comprise)  . 
Plafond      . 
Parquet  (tapis  comprls) 
Murs  (quatre,  a  3.  fcs.) 
Divers         ,        ,        . 


F.   c. 

12  0 
2  0 
2  0 
2  0 
2  0 
2  0 
5  0 

5  0 

6  0 
2    0 

2  50 
4    0 

3  50 

4  0 

7  50 
12    0 
24  75 


Bain  de  siege  .  . 
Eau  f  roide  .  .  . 
Eau  chaude  .  . 
Air  tiede,  extra  sec  . 
Soleil  (la  journee,  a  27 

Centigrade)  .       . 
Ciel   bleu  (oouleur  locale 

reservee)       . 
Divers        .       . 
Cafe  au  lait        . 
Cite    . 
Eau    . 
Lait    . 
Divers  . 


F.  c. 

3  0 

1  50 

2  0 
5  0 

27  0 

7  0 

31  25 

2  0 

.  2  0 

.  2  0 

.  2  0 
.  47  5 


Fcs.     230    5 


MUSICAL  NOTE.— A  new  version  of  Sir  ARTHUB  SULLIVAN'S  popular 
song  is  being  prepared  for  the  usa  of  omnibus  and  tram  conductors, 
under  the  title  of  "  No,  jolly  Jenkins  /  " 


To  BE  HOPED  FOR  AFTER  THE  SOTTDAN  CAMPAIGN.—  Otittm  CUM  DlGNA. 


THE  UNPATRIOTIC  TRUSTEE. 

(Fragment  from  a  Stock  Exchange  Romance.} 

"  So  you  were  the  author  of  that  article  which  stirred  up  strife 
between  our  country  and  a  nation  hitherto  well  disposed  towards 
us  ?  "  said  his  parent,  sternly. 

"I  am  not  ashamed  to  admit  it,"  replied  the  trustee,  drawing 
himself  up  to  his  full  height,  and  looking  his  father  straight  in  the 
eyes  with  proud  humility. 

"And  you  spread  the  report  that  one  of  the  best  of  our  colonies 
was  on  the  point  of  revolt  ?  " 

"  And  why  not !  It  was  a  part  of  my  plan— the  outcome  of  my 
duty." 

"  I  do  not  understand  vour  view  of  right  and  wrong,"  continued 
the  old  man,  sadly.  "  When  you  were  a  child  you  used  to  sing 
'  Rule,  .Britannia '  at  your  mother's  knee." 

"  You  say  truly,  father.  But  in  those  days,  as  an  infant  (I  was 
considerably  under  one-and-twenty),  I  was  unable  to  be  a  trustee." 

"  And  has  this  new  dignity  entirely  changed  your  nature  ?" 

"No,  not  entirely.  But  I  feel  I  must  work  my  utmost  for  those 
whose  estate  is  under  my  special  protection." 

"  Then  you  stir  up  strife,  and  do  your  best  to  ruin  your  nation — 
to  bring  your  country  to  the  eve  of  bankruptcy — as  a  trustee  ?  " 

"  You  put  the  matter  too  strongly.  I  would  not  absolutely  ruin 
my  country.  I  would,  for  instance,  not  cause  a  repudiation  of  the 
National  Debt.  In  fact,  such  a  course  as  that  to  which  I  have  re- 
ferred would  be  inimical  to  my  interests  as  a  trustee." 

"  As  a  trustee  I  As  a  trustee  I "  cried  the  old  man,  angrily.  You 
always  speak  as  a  trustee  1  Why  do  you  always  speak  as  a  trustee  r 

"  Because,  father,  I  am  one !  I  admit  that  I  have  been  guilty  of 
all  of  which  you  have  accused  me,  and  I  will  tell  you  the  reason. 
Father,  I  have  recently  sold  out  of  Consols  at  110  on  behalf  of  my 
cestui  que  trust,  and  I  want  to  bring  down  the  funds— I  frankly 
admit  it — to  something  under  90  before  I  reinvest  the  money, 
And  now,  father— as  a  trustee— can  you  blame  me  P  " 

But  the  old  man  could  not  reply.  He  was  busily  engaged  in 
wiping  his  eyes  on  a  union-jack  handkerchief,  and  weeping  bitterly. 


VOL.   OX. 


170 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  11,  1896. 


t 


\ 


WELCOME! 

Britannia.  ''  COME  IN,  LADIES  AND  GENTLEMEN  I    GL\D  TO  GIVE  YOU  A  DECINT  ROOF  OVER  YOUK  HEADS  AT  LAST  I  " 
[The  New  National  Portrait  Gallery  wai  opened  to  the  public  on  Saturday,  April  4,  1896.] 


APRIL  11,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


171 


VOICES  FEOM  THE  NEW  BRITISH  VALHALLA. 

(Overheard  ly  Mr.  Punch  in  the  New  National  Portrait  Gallery 
on  the  eve  of  the  Ecu  tcr  Holidays. ) 

["  From  these  walls  to-day,  nearly  eight  centuries  of  British  and  allied 
history  look  down  upon  us  in  the  persons  of  some  of  their  principal 
characters." — Daily  News.] 

Nell  Gwynne.  "Well,  here  we  are,  housed  in  a  palace  again,  and  at 
home  at  last ! 

Qoldtmith.  In  all  our  London  wanderings  here  and  there, 
In  a)l  our  shifts— and  we  have  had  our  share — 
I  still  had  hopes,  ere  Time's  last  tocsin  rang, 
In  high  palatial  walls,  like  these  to  hang. 
I  still  had  hopes,  for  pride  was  ever  mine, 
Amidst  kings,  queens,  and  heroes  bright  to  thine ; 
Around  my  frame  a  holiday  group  to  draw, 
And  stiike  a  gaping  Cockney  crowd  with  awe ; 
And  as  great  JOHNSON,  whom  great  REYNOLDS  drew, 
Points  to  the  place  whence  with  regret  he  flew, 
I  fctill  had  hopes,  my  long  vexatious  past, 
Here  to  hang  high  aid  have  a  home  at  last. 

\J  " 

Johnson.  Sir,  that  snfficeth!  If  Ait  is  long,  that  is  no  reason 
why  poetic  parody  should  he  prolix.  For  my  own  part,  I  would 
rather  have  hung  in  Fleet  Street,  in  the  vicinity  of  Temple  Bar, 
which  I  regret  to  hear  the  revolutionary  iconoclasts  of  a  democratic 
day  have  ruthlessly  removed  from  its  ancient  and  time-honoured 
site.  The  worse  than  "Whig  dogs  I  'Tis  pity  their  own  empty 
noddles  do  not  adorn  it,  as  in  my  time  ^they  would  doubtless  have 
done. 

How  rarelv  reason  guides  the  People's  choice, 
Kules  the  "Whig  hand,  or  prompts  the  Tory  voice  I 
How  nations  sink,  by  rash  re  forms  oppress'd, 
When  senates  listen  to  the  Mob's  request  I 
Democracy  wings  each  afflictive  dart, 
Distorteth  Nature  and  degradeth  Art  1 
With  fatal  heat  rebellious  rashness  glows, 
With  fatal  fluency  Rad  rhetoric  flows. 
Impeachment  itops  not  the  bold  traitor's  breath, 
And  restless  rowdyism  meets  not  death. 

Elizabeth  (briskly).  Marry  ocme  up!  hath  mine  illustrious  suc- 
cessor, VICTOBIA,  neither  headsman  and  block  nor  rack  and  thumb- 
ecrew,  to  take  order  with  traitors  and  spouters  of  sedition  ? 

Henry  VIII.  Verily,  yes,  my  daughter,  in  effigy,  or  in  ruit,  at 
the  Tower,  which  is  now,  as  we  shall  hereafter  be,  a  holiday-show 
f  >r  England's  modern  ruler— the  Easter  Monday  mob  I 

Elizabeth  (hotly).  By  mine  halidom,  I  bold  it  foul  ecorn 

Charles  II.  Odds- fish,  madam!  Illustrious  effigies  should  not 
f  xcite  themselves  about  the  vulgar  vagaries  of  the  modern  tag-rag- 
and- bobtail. 

f  Washington  (coldly].   Your  Majesties  forget  that  /  have  lived 
tinceye  died. 

George  III.  Why— why— why,  so  much  the  worse,  0  rival  and 
rebellious  George!  Short  work  would  they  have  made  with  your 
monstrous  Monroe  Doctrine,  which  even  a  CECIL  now  seems  too  much 
disposed  to  parley  and  palter  with. 

Milton.  "  George  did  but  prompt  the  age  to  quit  their  clogs 

By  the  known  roles  of  ancient  liberty." 

Methinks,  however,  that  "  CJROMWELL,  our  chief  of  men,"  admitted 
iu  tffigy,  though  not— shame  on  Englishmen  I— at  Westminster, 
would  have  taught  the  "Unspeakable  Turk"  a  sterner  lesson  in 
Armenia  than  the  modern  CECIL  finds  "  diplomatic." 

Garrick  (cheerily).  Tilly-  vally,  Illustrious  Ones,  how  sombre  and 
solemn,  how  pompon  s  and  pragmatical  ye  all  are  I  At  holiday  season, 
too  I  Verily  ye  will  not,  at  this  rate,  add  much  to  the  merriment  of 
the  Holiday  Mob,  or  of  that  somewhat  sardonic  person,  the  British 
Workman,  but  the  rather  tend,  as  SAMUEL  said  of  my  decease,  to 

eclipse  the  gaiety  of  nations." 

Chaucer.  " some  men  be  too  curious 

In  studie,  or  too  melancholius." 

But  let  not  this  "  temple  for  portreiture  "  be  less  lightsome  than  my 
earlier  "  House  of  Fame." 

Byron.  Right,  my  cheery  "Well  of  English,"  undefiled  (though 
sometimes,  perhaps,  a  trifle  thick  and  obscure).  Emperors  and  kings 
(like  most  poets)  are  dull  dogs,  as  Q.TJEVEDO  could  tell  you,  and 
ALFBED  THE  LITTLE  demonstrate.  Whether  opening  pictnre 
galleries  and  museums,  &c.,  on  Sundays  will  brighten  the  lives  of 
the  sons  of  toil  and  seduce  them  from  the  venal  shrines  of  the  vulgar 
Bacchus  as  much  as  LUBBOCK  and  others  imagine,  is  a  question  on 
»luch  sentimentalists  and  cynics  may  take  opposite  views.  Bat 
fcince  we  are  "hung  up  to  make  a  British  holiday,"  let  us  not  be 
as  dull  and  cantankerous  as  modern  Parliamentary  debates,  or  the 
leaden  lays  of  little  would-be  laureates. 


OUR    SMOKING    CONCERT. 

Irate  Member.  "  WELL,  I  'LL  TAKE  Mr  OATH  I  CAME  IN  A  HAT  1 


Gay,  Life  is  a  jest,  and  all  things  show  it 

To  all— except  a  Minor  Poet  I 

Seacomfield.  Humph  I  Gaitty  is  a  dangerous  game  to^play  with 
"Boeotian  BULL,"  as  chaffy  ROSEBEBY  is  finding  to  his  cost,  and 
even  the  Rhcdian  rhetorician  of  Mai  wood  knows,  though  he  does 
judiciously  qualify  laborious  srarkle  with  Philistine  ponderosity. 
flow  say  you,  Swan  ? 

Shakspeare  (laith  calm  cheer).  "  There  are  a  sort  of  men  whose 

visages 

Do  cream  and  mantle  like  a  standing  pond, 
And  do  a  wilful  stillness  entertain, 
With  purpose  to  be  dress1  d  in  an  opinion 
Of  wisdom,  gravity,  profound  conceit." 

In  Venice,  Gratiano  dubbed  them  "  Sir  Oraoles.^'  la  England, 
they  are  known  as  rigid  Sabbatarians.  Like  Gratiano,  let  us  "  fieh 
not  with  this  melancholy  bait  for  this  fool  gudgeon."  Here  at  last 
we  be  gathered  in  a  great  and  worthy  home,  if  we  can  give  some- 
what of  pleasure  to  the  proletariat,  and  lend  something  of  brightness 
and  beauty  and  brain  to  the  proletariat  holiday  or  the  Puritanical 
Sabbath,  we  may  indeed  do  a  work  worthy  of  worthies,  e'en  though 
it  fall  as  far  short  of  the  hopes  of  enthusiasts  as  of  the  fears  of  those 
canting  croakers  who  "  sit  like  their  grandsires  cut  in  alabaster," 
and  prophesy  perpetually  of  wickedness  and  woe. 

Omnes  (including  Mr.  Punch).  Hear,  hear !  Let  us  learn  of  the 
greatest  of  genial  sages,  nourish  modestly  all  good  human  hopes,  and 
do  unpretentiously  our  pleasant  best. 

A  STORE  OF  NEW  JESTS. 

[" '  The  Faithful  Men  of  Jever,'  a  place  near  the  North  Sea  coast  of 
Germany,  are,  according  to  their  custom  every  Spring,  sending  Prince 
BISMARCK  a  hundred  and  one  plovers'  eggs  for  his  birthday."— Standard.] 

PBINCE  B-SM-BCK,  addressing  our  distinguished  representative, 
Count  BEN  TBOVATO,  who  has  forwarded  the  report  to  us.  and  speak- 
ing excellent  Anglo-German,  observed,  apropos  of  these  Easter  Eggs, 
"  Ja,  Herr,  of  deser  eggs  I  lofe  der  vite,  und  do  durroly  abbreeshiate 
a  good  yoke.  Vancy  I  ein  onderd-und-von  good  yoke !  all  vresh  und 
new  I  No  Yomiller  Yokes  among  dem  I  Dey  are  a  vortune  do  a 
Brof  eshonal  Diner-out !  " 


172 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  11,  1896. 


She.  "Box  WHY  WON'T  YOU  ASK  MR.  ROBINSON?    I'M  SURE  HI  icons  AMONG  QUITS 
GOOD  SET." 
He.  "Movsa?    YES,  HE  's  JOLLY  WELL  QOT  to.    THEY  WON'T 'LET  HIM  STOP  I" 


OUR  PROPERTY  LIST. 

["  A  volcano  was  put  up  to  auction  yesterday." 

Daily  Paper, ,] 

MESSRS.  HAMMBB  AND  ROSTRUM  beg  to  call 
the  attention  of  the  nobility  and  gentry  to 
the  following  valuable  properties,  all  of  which 
will  shortly  oe  dispose!  of  by  auction,  unless 
previously  sold  by  private  treaty. 

(I.)  A  Volcanic  Island  in  the  Western 
Pacific. — This  charming  plot,  consisting  of  a 
square  acre  of  rook,  250  miles  from  the 
nearest  mainland,  is  celebrated  not  only  for 
the  extensive  views  which  it  commands,  but 
for  the  fact  that,  owing  to  the  action  of  a 
submarine  volcano,  it  is  almost  certain  to  dis- 
appear entirely  within  a  few  years'  time.  On 
this  account  its  purchaser  would  probably  let 
it  at  a  high  rent  to  any  of  his  enemies.  It 


uou  woo  vci^y  ouvauttigeuuB  acquisition 

for  a  novelist  wishing  to  dispose  of  his  villain 
in  a  sensational  manner.  Cards  to  view  it 
(unless  it  should  have  disappeared  in  the 


meantime)  may  1>9  obtained  from  the  auc- 
tioneers. 

(II.)  An  Estate  in  Asia  Minor.  —  It  is 
needless  to  give  the  exact  locality ;  the  im- 
portant feature  of  this  property  is  that 
scarcely  a  day  passes  without  its  being  sub- 
jected to  earthquakes  of  a  most  violent  kind. 
The  hurricanes,  too,  are  considered  by  ex- 
perts to  be  absolutely  unrivalled.  The  estate 
may  be  bought  outright,  or  may  be  rented 
from  February  to  Junej  during  which  period 
the  earthquake  season  is  at  its  height.  We 
need  scarcely  point  out  how  desirable  a 
residence  this  would  be  for  elderly  ladies  of 
weak  nerves,  while  it  is  unanimously  agreed 
that  it  would  be  impossible  to  pass  a  dull  day 
there.  For  the  seismologist  the  locality  offers 
special  advantages,  and  it  would  be  an  excel- 
lent home  for  amateur  architects.  They 
would  have  the  pleasure  of  designing  a  new 
house  for  themselves  at  least  once  a  month. 

(III.)  Four  Acres  of  valuable  Freehold 
Land  in  the  Middle  of  the  Sahara. — Com- 


plaint is  often  made  of  the  overgrown 
character  of  modern  estates.  But  this  pro- 
perty is  absolutely  perfect  in  this  respect, 
there  is  not  so  much  as  'a  blade  of  grass  on 
the  whole  of  it,  the  air  is  beautifully;  dry, 
and  the  thermometer  in  the  shade  (if  there 
were  any)  would  seldom  rise  above  130°. 
The  spot  is,  therefore,  peculiarly  suitable  for 
invalids.  Lions  are  very  plentif  nl,  and  there 
is  the  occasional  society  of  certain  tribes  from 
the  interior,  who  display  quaint  and  amusing 
cannibalistic  tastes.  There  is  no  dwelling 
place  erected  at  present,  but  a  tent  would 
fully  suffice  for  the  occupier,  and  it  could 
easily  be  exchanged,  if  desired,  for  the  inte- 
rior of  a  lion.  The  spot  has  been  viewed,  and 
is  strongly  recommended  by  H.  BJDER  HAG- 
GABD,  E*q.,  and  H.  M.  STANLEY,  E;q. 

(IV.)  An  attractive  Iceberg  (at  present)  in 
the  Neighbourhood  of  Greenland. — An  ideal 
home  for  those  desiring  change  of  scene,  as  an 
iceberg  travels  many  miles  in  the  summer 
season.  Charming  variety  is  also  afforded  by 
the  fact  that  its  size  changes  from  day  to  day, 
atd  it  might  even  disappear  entirely  in  an 
abnormally  hot  summer.  All  the  valuable 
sporting  rights— including  whale-fishing  and 
seal-shooting — will  pass  with  the  property. 
The  drainage  system  is  perfect,  sea-bathing 
may  be  had  (at  the  cost  of  a  little  dyna- 
mite), and  the  whole  estate  is  lighted  by  the 
Aurora  borealis.  The  mail  system,  which  is 
carried  out  by  messages  enclosed  in  sealed 
bottles,  to  be  ultimately  picked  up  by  Esqui- 
maux, is  slightly  irregular ;  but  it  is  hoped 
that  a  balloon-post  may  be  established  before 
long.  Dr.  NANSEN  would  also  probably 
arrange  for  direct  voyages  on  it  to  the  North 
Pole  for  a  very  moderate  fee. 

It  will  be  seen  that  no  finer  collection  of 
properties  than  the  above  has  been  offered  to 
the  public  for  many  years ;  and  we*  feel  con- 
fident that  those  who  purchase  them  will  be 
delighted  with  their  bargains. 


NEW  POLITICAL  SONG. 

As  sung  by  Lord  Rotebery  at  Huddersfisld. 

(See  Daily  Chronicle,  March  30.) 

AIR — "  Oh !    Say  not  woman's  heart  is  bought." 

OH  !    Say  not  coronets  are  bought 

With  vain  and  empty  treasures ! 
Oh  I    Say  not  peerages  are  caught 

By  any  doubtful  measures  1 
Though  Liberals  may  loathe  a  lord, 

Let  not  the  world  mistake  them : 
For  virtue's  guerdon  and  reward 

They've  made,  and  still  will  make  them, 

Oh  I    Say  not  that  a  peer 's  untrue, 

That  like  the  bee  he  changes, 
Still  seeking  flowers  sweet  and  new 

His  fickle  fancy  ranges. 
Oh  no  1    Such  foolish  doubts  as  these 

Will  make  us  falter  never  I 
No  other  Party  e'er  could  please : 

He 's  Liberal  for  ever ! 


IMPORTANT  HISTORICAL  MEM. — It  is  under- 
stood that  our  Gentle  Jacobites,  who  rjar  like 
any  suck  ing- dove  for  the  "Return  of  the 
Stuarts,"  do  not  include  in  their  platonically 
treasonable  plans  the  "return"  (to  the  County 
Council)  of  the  Great  Progressive  and  anti- 
Water-Company  Paladin,  and  ex-Professor, 
well  known  in  Parliament  and  Spring  Gardens. 

PARADOX  FOB  PUTNEY. — A I  Parliamentary 
Bill  is  utterly  unlike  an  University  Eight, 
seeing  that  it  is  never  certain  of  success  unt%l 
it  is  passed. 

CAPITAL  NAME  FOR  AN  ANTI-PROGRESSIVE 
COUNTY  COUNCILLOR.— On-slow. 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONI 


OUB    "OLYI 

PARLIAMENTARY  AT 


RIVARL— Apfio  11,  1896. 


J     GAMES." 

AT  WESTMINSTER. 


APRIL  11,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


177 


FIGURES  OP  PUN. 

[The  revenue  returns  for  the  financial  year 
1895-6  show  amazing  and  unexpected  results. 
The  total  sum  actually  raised  amounted  to 
£109,339,946,  as  against  £101,697,304,  so  returned 
for  the  previous  financial  year.] 

Impecunious  Ratepayer  loquitur : — 

0  DEAR,  and  0  dear  I  What  a  wonderf  ul  year  I 
This  beats  DBTDEX'S  Annus  Mirabilis, 

And  yet  here  am  I  with  my  half-pint  o'  beer, 
Simply  penniless,  pipe  less,  and  cabbyless ! 

These  be  figures  of  fun  I    And  my  funds  will 

not  run 
To  a  cab  to  my  den  o'er  the  water. 

1  must  crawl  home  and  plod  half  the  night 

with  my  pen, 
In  order  to  equare  my  "  last  quarter  " ! 

Seven-six-four-two-six-four-twol !  I   There's 

a  nice  sum, 

To  tot  up  the  revenue's  swelling  I 
HICKS-BEACH  will  be  able  to  make  the  thing 

hum. 

Complacently  now  he  '11  be  dwelling 
On  HABCOTJBTS  Death  Duties  they  slated  eo 

much, 

Bat  which  now  redound  to  their  glory. 
With  such  a  nice  little  nest-egg  in  their 

clutch, 
By  Jove,  who  would  not  be  a  Tory  ? 

Over  thirty-six  millions  for  last  quarter's 

pile! 

Oh !  HABCOTJBT,  I  just  wish  to  heaven  you 
Would  give  me  the  tip  how  to  make  fortune 

smile 

On  my  twopenny-halfpenny  revenue. 
Returns?     My  returns  swell   the  Govern- 
ment's till ; 

I  pay,  not  receive,  rates  and  taxes. 
I  hope  I  wish  well  to  my  country,  but  still 
It  is  not  my  income  that  waxes. 

My  income-tax  does  though!     And  then  I 
suppose 

Statisticians  proclaim  my  "  prosperity," 
As  one  of  the  class  whose  emolument  grows. 

I  wish,  how  I  wish,  'twas  a  verity  1 
Each  quarter  with  me  is  far  worse  than  the 
last, 

However,  I  trudge  it  and  drudge  it. 
Expenditure  outruns  my  earnings  so  fast, 

No  surplus  e'er  crowneth  my  Budget. 

Well,  well,  I'm  a  "patriot,"  though  I  am 

poor, 

And  so  I  must  keep  up  my  pecker. 
But  if  taxes  were  less  and  my  takings  were 

more, 

'I would  vastly  improve  my  Exchequer. 
I  envy  both  HABCOUBT  and  HICKS-BEACH 

end, 

When  Surpluses  swell  in  this  manner ; 
Whilst  I,  for  a  'bus-fare,  must  hunt  up  some 

friend, 
And— endeavour  to  borrow  a  "  tanner"  ! 


no 


Colourable. 

"  THEEducationBill  in  Black  and  White; "— 
That  was   the  Daily  Chronicle's  capital 

"  head." 
Bat  School  Boards  saw  that  Bill  in  a  "  Blue  " 

light, 
When  that  same  Bill  was  "  Re(a)d"  I 


MEM.  FOB  "  MODEBATES."— Improvement 
Committees  sometimes  need — improvement. 

PABADOXICAL,BUT  TBUE.— All  Great  Powers 
have  their  little  weaknesses. 

NEW  NAME  FOB  IT  (after  Italy's  Abyssinian 
reverse). — The  Cripple  Alliance. 


1  Ol  TELL  TI2  Ol  WILL  KOI  CLANK  OTTT  ME  CELL.       Ol  'D  LAVE  THE  JAIL  FURBST  1 


HER  "BEDSIDE  MANNA." 

["  Modern  practitioners  are  too  prone  to  order 
the  attendance  of  a  trained  nurse  for  the  slightest 

illness Women  are  complaining  of  their 

banishment  by  doctors  from  the  sick-rooms  of 
their  friends." — "  Vera  "  in  Lady't  fictorial.'] 

WHO  dawned  on  me,  a  sick-room  star, 
And  shielded  me  from  fret  and  jar, 
When  down  with  bronchial  catarrh  ? 
My  Nursey  I 

Who's  was  the  hand  that  gave  me  pap, 
And  smoothed  my  pillows  with  a  slap, 
So  captivating  in  her  cap  P 
My  Nursey  I 

Who,  when  I  'm  seedy,  linseed  bring, 
Makes  poultices,  and  broths,  and  things, 
An  angel — one,  alas,  with  wings  I 
My  Nursey ! 


But  who  is  now  denounced    ke  mad 
As  making  worse  a  business  bad, 
And  being  a  mere  physician's  fad  P 
That  Nursey  I 

Who 's  said,  when  maladies  are  rife, 
To  take  the  place  of  daughter,  wife, 
And  out  of  patients  scare  the  life  P 
The  Nursey  I 

To  families  that  cheapness  seek 
Who  seems  a  doctor's  senseless  freak 
Because  she  costs  two  pounds  per  week  P 
A  Nursey  I 

Still,  of  her  praises  I  '11  be  chanter, 
Because  when  ill  I  'm  sure  to  want  her, 
That  costly,  needless,  nice  supplanter— 
My  Nursey  I 

"FOREIGN  RELATIONS"  (NOT  FRANCE'S).— 
"Cousins-German"  and  "  Datch-Unolee." 


178 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


11,  1896. 


APRIL  11,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


179 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  KKOM  THE  DIARY  OP  TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Tuesday,  March  31, 
4.50  A. if.—  Just  going  home  with  the  milk. 
Been  at  it  since  House  met  at  3  o'clock 
yesterday  afternoon.  "  The  kettle  began  it," 
a«  it  is  written  in  The  Cricket  on  the  Hearth. 
The  kettle  in  this  case  represented  hy  SQUIRE 
OF  MALWOOD.  It  was  JEMMY  LOWTHER  who 
suggested  the  appellation.  When  last  night 
PRINCE  ARTHUR  moved  to  appropriate  Tues- 
day's sitting  for  Education  Bifl,  SQUIRE  made 
terrible  onslaught  on  him,  accusing  him  if 
muddling  business  of  House. 

"  I  have  no  wish,"  said  JEMMY,  with  that 
magnificently  judicial  air  that  used  to  awe 
the  court  in  the  famous  Jockey  Club  arbitra- 
tion, "  to  interpose  in  differences  of  opinion 
which  partake  largely  of  the  nature  of  those 
alleff  d  to  exist  between  the  kettle  and  the 
pot." 

Kettle  (the  SQUIRE)  called  the  pot  black ; 
the  pot  (PRINCE  ARTHUR)  retorted  with  great 
vigour  that  the  SQUIRE  was  another. 

This  smart  enough  while  it  lasted.  Another 
burst  of  liveliness  when  GEORGE  CURZON  spok  e 
disrespectfully  of  the  CAP'EN.  Even  accused 
him  of  repeating  his  speeches.  Told  little 
story  how,  finding  the  CAP'EN  bad  on  Orders 
of  the  day  motion  calling  attention  to  Treaty 
engagements  with  Turkev,  he  had  turned  up 
Hansard,  read  the  old  Salt's  speech  of  last 
year,  and,  since  it  was  repeated  last  night, 
found  the  task  of  answering  it  easy. 

"  Sir,"  said  the  CAP'EN,  hailing  the 
SPEAKER  in  voice  of  thunder,  "  I  will  not  be 
misrepresented,  even  by  a  right  honourable 
gentleman  of  the  ability  and  pretensions  of 
him  who  sits  below  me." 

4 '  B  eaul  if  ul ! ' '  cried  CAWMELL-B  AH  NERMAN, 
smiling  approval.  "TOMMY  is  nothing  if  not 
nautical.  See  how,  in  the  House  of  Commons, 
he  re  c  ills  the  manner  of  speech  of  Peter  Sim- 
plt>t  friend,  Chucks  the  boatswain,  who,  you 
remember,  when  he  was  most  aggravated, 
talked  in  most  frigidly  polite  terms." 

After  midnight,  and  all  Ihrough  the  night, 
dr<  ariness  profound.  Welsh  Meubeu  to  the 
fore.  But  they  cm't  do  the  thing  as  the 
Irish  used  when  JOSEPH  GILLIS  was  &titl  with 
us.  Member  for  Mid-Cork  came  back  as  a 
bad  TANNER  proverbially  does.  Began  several 
speeches;  always  stopped  by  SPEAKER; 
finally  ordered  to  resume  his  seat ;  obliged  to 
obey,  but  not  to  be  debarred  from,  crying  out 
"  Ho  I  ho  I  "  or  "  Ha!  ha !  "  These  remarks 
occasionally  varied  by  sharp  cry  of  "  N<> ! " 
when  Fomeone  advanced  the  anlrmative 
Kept  his  eje  on  the  SPEAKER  all  the  time, 
ready  to  bolt  in  case  of  re'd.  SPEAKER 
ignored  his  existence.  Tbh  uniiadest  cut  of 
all 

"  Nice  state  of  things  we  're  coming  to," 
said  TANNER,  angrily.  ' '  SPEAKER  won't  even 
Buepmi  a  fellow.  Shall  chock  this  up,  and 
da  the  County  Council." 

Business  done.— Naval  W«.rks  Bill  read 
third  time. 

Tuetday  afternoon. — JOHN" OF  GORST, time- 
honoured  Cambridge  man,  brought  in  Edu- 
cation Bill.  Explained  clauses  in  speech  that 
was  a  model  of  lucidity.  Nothing  1  ft  un- 
said, and  all  said  in  a  few  minutes  over  the 
hour.  Speech  as  adroit  in  argument  as  it 
was  finished  in  style. 

"  Good  gracious  I "  slid  SAHK,  who  doesn't 
often  indulge  in  the  weakness  of  strong 
language.  aHave  often  heard  talk  about 
Tories  being  the  stupid  Party.  It 's  a  cheap 
sneer;  butreally,  when  I  think  of  howthey've 
wasted  their  opportunities  with  JOHN  OF 
GORST,  I  begin  to  think  there's  something  in 
it.  Give  JOHN  his  chance,  and  he'd  show 


THE    POETICAL   TEMPERAMENT. 

"THERE  WERE  AT  LEAST  A  THorsAmo  BOATS  ON  THE  ROUND  POND  WHEN  I  WAS  HERB 

IN  THE  SUMMER,    AUNTY  SYLVIA,    AMD   NOW  THERE   ISN'T   ONE ! '' 

"HARDLY  A  THOUSAND,  GEOFFREY i" 

"OH,   WELL  I     EXAGQSRATIXG,    QUITS  A  THOUSAND,   YOU  KSOW  1  " 


himself  what  a  few  have  always  recognised 
in  him— one  of  the  deftest,  cleverest  Parlia- 
mentary Hauls  of  the  day.  Bat,  somehow  or 
other,  he's  always  been  shown  into  aback 
seat." 

There  will  be  good  deal  of  f  crambling  over 
Bill  on  second  reading  and  in  Committee,  but 
as  JOHN  OF  GORST  walked  up  the  floor  bring- 
ing it  in  cheering  unanimous  and  hearty. 

Treasury  Bench  not  deceived  by  this  de- 
monstration. Know  it  was  a  tribute  to  the 
man,  not  a  note  of  approval  of  the  Bill. 

"Yes,"  eaid  WALTER  LONG,  "we  air  a 
piling  of  it  up.  This  Education  Bill  will  of 
itself,  with  ordinary  routine  butiness,  keep  us 
Koing  for  rest  of  Session.  There  is  the  Irish 
Land  Bill  to  ran  with  it  neck  and  neck, 
and  my  modest  little  measure  ordering  the 
slaughter  of  seaborne  cattle  at  the  ports 
isn't  through  Committee  yet.  All  the  more 
reason  why  we  should  have  a  holiday,  So 


ta-ta !  "  and  the  Minister  for  Agriculture 
went  off  humming  his  favourite  refrain — 
Go  call  the  cattle  home, 

But  ere  they  cross  our  fields, 
See  that  with  fatal  blow 
His  axe  the  butcher  wields. 

Busintss  done  — Adjourn  till  Thureday  the 
9.h  for  E ist<  r  holidays. 


AN  EQUINE  PARADOX.— Our  police- couit 
reporter  wishes  to  know  whether,  in  view  of 
a  man  being  described  as  "  a  horsey-looking 
«—«t,"  it  would  be  equally  correct  to  allude 
lady  as  a  "  Mary- looking  female  "  P 


gent 
to  a 


"  'E       WOS       WJERY       GOOD      TO      ME      HE 

wo3."— Prince  FERDINAND  of  Bulgaria  eays 
that  the  SULTAN  has  never  wavered  to  him 
in  kindness.  Clearly  a  case  of  chert  and 
Porte. 


180 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  11,  1896. 


JOTTINGS    AND   TITTLINGS. 

(By  BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO  JABBEBJBB,  B.A.) 

No.  IX, 

How  "he  taw  the  practice  of  the  University  Crews,  and  what  he 
thought  of  it. 

THE  notorious  Intercollegian  Boat-race  of  this  anno  Domini  will 
be  obsolete  and  ex  post  facto  by  the  time  of  publication  of  the  present 
instalment  of  jots  and  tittles,  still  I  am  sufficiently  presumptive  to 

think  that  the  cogita- 
tions and  personal  ex- 
periences of  a  cultivated, 
thoughtful  native  gen- 
tleman onthiscoerulean 
topic  may  not  be  found 
so  stale  and  dry  as  the 
remainder  of  a  bit coit. 
First  I  will  make  a 
clean  bosom  with  the 
confession  that,  though 
ardently  desirous  to 
witness  such  a  Titianio 
struggle  for  the  cordon 
bleu  of  old  Father  Antic 
the  Thames,  I  was  not 
the  actual  spectator  of 
the  affair,  being  previ- 
ously contracted  to  escort  Miss  MANKLKTOW  (whose  wishfnlness  is 
equivalent  to  legislation)  to  a  theatrical  matutinal  performance 
which  she  would  in  nowise  consent  to  renounce,  alleging  that  she  had 
already  seen  the  Boat-race  to  the  verge  of  tatiety,  and  that  the 
spectacle  was  instantaneous  and  paltry. 

However,  on  acquainting  my  kind  and  patronising  father,  Hon'ble 
Punch,  of  my  disappointment,  he  did  benevolently  propose,  as  a  pis 
aller  and  blind  bargain,  a  voyage  in  the  steam  launcnboat  of  the 
official  ooaobmui  of  one  of  the  crews  so  that  I  might  ascertain  how 
the  trick  was  done. 

And  at  10  A.M.  on  the  day  of  assignation  I  presented  myr elf  at  the 
riparian  premises  of  a  certain  Boating  Society,  and,  on  exhibiting  my 
letter  of  credit  to  the  Mentor  or  Gorypheus  aforesaid,  was  received 
if  bras  ouvertt  and  with  an  urbane  off  handedness. 

After  I  had  hung  fire  and  cooled  my  heels  on  the  banks  for  a  while, 
I  was  instructed  to  enter  a  tkiff,  which  conveyed  me  and  others  to  a 
steamship  of  very  meagre  dimensions,  whereupon,  owing  to  the  heel 
of  one  of  my  Japan  leather  shoes  becoming  implicated  in  the  wire 
railing  that  circumvented  the  desk,  1  was  embarked  in  a  horizontal 
attitude,  and  severely  deteriorated  the  tall  chimneypot  hat  which  I 
had  assumed  to  do  credit  to  the  hon'ble  periodical  I  represented 
(Nota  bene.  Hatmaker's  bill  for  renovating  same,  rs.  two-and-a- 
half — which  those  to  whom  it  is  of  concern  will  please  attend  to  and 
refund.) 

On  recovery  of  my  head- gear  and  equanimity,  I  stationed  myself 
in  close  proximity  to  the  officiating  coach  for  purpose  of  being  on  the 
threshold  of  inquiries,  and  proceeded  to  pop  numerous  questions  to 
my  neighbours.  I  ascertained,  among  other  things,  that  the  vessels 
are  called  "  eights,"  owing  to  their  containing  nine  passengers ;  that 
the  ninth  is  calkd  the  "  cock,''  and  is  a  mere  supernumerary  or 
understudent,  in  case  any  member  of  ihe  crew  should  be  overcome  by 
sickishness  during  the  contest  and  desire  to' discontinue. 

It  appears  that  the  race  is  of  religious  and  ceremonious  origin,  for 
only  good  men  "  are  permitted  to  compete,  and  none  who  is  a  wine 
drunkard,  a  gluttonous,  or  addicted  to  any  form  of  tobacco.  More- 
over, they  are  to  observe  a  strict  fast  and  abstinence  for  many  weeks 
previous  to  the  ordeal.  The  most  prominent  ecclesiastics  and  Judges 
of  the  Supreme  Court  are  usually  chosen  from  this  class  of  indivi- 
duals, which  is  a  further  proof  of  the  sanctimoniousness  attached  to 
the  competition. 

Consequently  I  was  the  more  surprised  at  the  disrespectful  super- 
oUiou«nes8  of  their  Fidus  Achates  or  dry  nurse,  who,  stretching 
himself  upon  his  stomach  in  the  prow,  did  shout  counsels  of  per- 
fection at  his  receding  pnpilp. 

Such  criticisms  as  I  overheard  seemed  to  me  of  a  very  puerile  and 
captious  description,  and  some  of  an  approbrious  personality,  e.g.,  as 
when  a  certain  oarman  was  taunted  with  being  short — as  though  he 
were  capable  of  adding  the  cubic  inch  to  his  stature ! 

Another  I  heard  advised  to  keep  his  visual  organs  in  the  interior  of 
the  boat,  though,  being  ordinary  optics  and  not  at  all  of  a  vitreous 
composition,  they  could  not  be  removable  by  volition.  Again,  a  third 
was  reproached  because  of  the  lateness  with  which  he  had  made  his 
beginning ;  but,  as  it  was  not  asserted  that  he  was  inferior  to  the 
rest,  the  tardiness  of  his  initiation  was  surely  rather  honourable  than 
disgraceful  1 

^observed  that  said  trainer  did  stickle  almost  prudishly  for  pro- 
priety, being  greatly  shocked  at  the  levity  with  which  the  rowers 


were  attired,  and  entreating  them  to  keep  their  buttons  well  up, 
though  indeed  I  could  discern  none,  nor  was  there  much  which  was 
humanly  possible  to  ba  buttoned. 

For  myself,  I  must  make  the  humble  complaint  that  the  Hon'ble 
Coach  was  defective  in  courteous  attention  to  my  inquisitiveness, 

_l,;  ,.U      1.  *     4._4_11 1 J  Tn__T      13  A  «T  1    •  j 


manous,  and  able  to  employ  their  feet  in  such  a  manner ;  nor  whether, 
when  he  commanded  them  to  "  get  in  at  once,"  he  intended  them  to 
leap  into  the  waters  or  to  return  to  the  landing-place,  nor  why  they 
did  neither  of  these  things ;  nor  why  he  should  express  satisfaction 
that  a  certain  rower  had  got  rid  of  a  lofty  feather,  which  would 
indubitably  have  added  to  the  showiness  of  his  appearance. 

Again,  hearing  him  anxiously  inquire  the  time  after  a  stoppage,  I 
was  proceeding  to  explain  how  gladly  I  would  have  given  him  such 
information,  but  for  the  unavoidable  absence  of  my  golden  chrono- 
meter, owing  to  the  failure  of  Misters  Ton  KINS  and  JOHNSON  to 
restore  the  same,  whereupon  he  treated  me  in  such  a  "please-go- 
away-and-die  "  sort  of  style  that  I  subsided  with  utmost  alacrity. 

Oa  the  return  voyage  the  Collegiate  eight  was  challenged  to  a 
sporting  match  by  a  scratched  crew,  which  appeared  to  me  to  be  the 
superior  in  velocity,  though  it  seemed  it  was  then  too  late  to  make 
the  happy  exchange. 

When  the  practice  was  at  an  end  and  the  Blues  in  a  state  of  quies- 
oenc°,  I  intimated  my  desire  to  harangue  them  and  express  my 
wonderment  and  admiration  at  beholding  them  content  to  suffer  such 
hardships  and  perils  and  faultfinding  without  expsstulation  or 
excuses  for  their  shortcomings,  and  all  for  no  pecuniary  recom- 
pense, but  the  evasive  reward  of  a  nominis  umbra.  And  I  would 
have  reminded  them  of  the  ex  tended 'popularity  of  their  performance, 
and  that  it  was  an  unfairness  to  muzzle  the  ox  that  treadeth  upon 
one's  corn,  appealing  to  them  to  stand  up  for  their  rights,  and  refuse 
to  compete  excep^for  the  honorarium  of  a  quid  pro  quo. 

But  the  official  instructor,  seeing  me  about  to  climb  upon  the  poop, 
to  deliver  my  oration,  entreated  me  with  so  much  earnestness  to  desist 
that  I  became  immediately  aphonous. 


M.P.  EMPTY,  OR  WHAT  IT  MAY  COME  TO. 

(A  Hint  from  the  Bench  at  the  service  of  Possible  Candidates  for 
Parliament,  to  be  used  in  the  Future.) 

["The  expense  of  this  inquiry  is  really  most  burdensome.  A  contested 
election  is  nothing  to  the  expense  of  an  inquiry  like  this." — Jfr.  Baron 
Pollock,  March,  1896.] 

ALL  was  joy.  The  Newly  Elected  received  congratulations  on  every 
side.  Th*  months  of  toil,  the  years  of  rhetoric,  had  brought  their 
reward.  No  more  the  doubt  of  pleasing  the  majority  of  the  con- 
stituents. No  more  the  fear  of  a  false  step  on  the  chosen  platform. 
The  returning  officer  had  done  his  work  satisfactorily.  There  had 
been  no  mistake  about  the  counting.  The  return  had  been  made. 
The  roll  had  been  signed.  The  right-hand  of  the  Speaker  had  been 
cordially  grasped,  and  warmly  shaken. 

It  was  at  this  moment  that  a  knock  was  heard.  The  sound  came 
from  the  street  door. 

"More  friends  with  further  pleasant  speeches,"  murmured  the 
Newly  Elected.  "Well,  well,  it  is  delightful  to  know  that  my 
happiness  is  a  source  of  joy  to  others." 

But,  alas  I  it  was  no  friend  who  had  entered  the  sanctum  of  the 
People's  Legislator.  He  was  courteous,  but  distinctly  business-like. 
In  a  few  moments  he  made  it  clear  that  the  object  of  his  visit  was  to 
cast  a  gloom  over  the  happy  dream  of  the  hon.  gentleman  he  was 
professionally  interviewing. 

"  A  petition  I "  exclaimed  the  Newly  Elected.    "  An  inquiry ! " 

The  visitor  bowed  and  silently  took  his  departure. 

For  a  moment  the  People  s  Legislator  was  lost  in  a  brown  study. 
Then  he  came  to  a  determination.  He  sat  down  and  wrote  a  short 
letter.  He  sealed  it  with  a  sigh,  and  handed  it  to  his  batter  half. 

"  You  are  writing  to  the  Speaker  of  the  House  of  Commons.  Has 
he  asked  you  to  a  full-dress  Parliamentary  Dinner  ?  " 

The  Newly  Elected  smiled  sadly  and  shook  his  head,  then  he  mur- 
mured, with  a  voice  broken  with  emotion,  "  It  is  better  as  it  is." 

11  What  is  better  as  it  is  ?  "  was  the  question. 

Then  came  the  reply. 

' '  That  I  should  retire  at  once.  That  I  should  relinquish  my  career 
as  a  legislator.  That  I  should  cease  to  be  the  chosen  representative 
of  the  People.  Yes,  yes,  it  is  wiser  that  I  should  accept  the  Chiltern 
Hundreds  to  save  the  balance  at  my  bankers  than  to  retain  Parlia- 
mentary honours  at  the  cost  of  a  conceivable  invitation  to  appear  in 
Portugal  Street !  "  

SUGGESTED  NAME  FOB  A  BEEH  SHEWED  SOLELY  FEOM  MALT  AND 
HOPS.-  Quilter. 


APRIL  18,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


181 


THE    GftEY    MARE. 

"I  WISH  I    KNEW  WHAT    MRS.   RODNEY  BLUEHOSE  THINKS  OF  MY 
NEW  BOOK.      I   HARDLY  LIKE  TO  ASK  HIR  1" 

"AsK  MB.  RODNEY  BLUEHOSE  WHAT  HI  THINKS  OF  IT." 

"  POOH  I  WHO  CARXS  WHAT  MB.  RODNEY  BLUEHOSE  THINKS  ABOUT 
ANYTBIKO!" 

"Ex  AC  FLY.    AND  YET,  AS  I  HAPPBN  TO  KNOW  THAT  HE  ALWAYS 

THINKS  JTST  WHAT  HIS   WlFE  TELLS    HIM  TO  THINK,    AND  PASSES   IP 
OFF  -AS  HIS  OWN— WBY,   THERE  YOU  ABE,   DON'TCHEHKNOW  1  " 


BOUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

CHILDREN'S  BOOKS. 

IN  Ihe  New  Review  for  ihis  month  Mr.  F.  ANSTEY  discourses  plea- 
santly on  "  An  Old-fashioned  Children's  Book,"  namely,  The  Fair- 
child  Family,  written  by  Mrs.  SHERWOOD,  and  published  so  long 
ago  as  1818.  The  Fairchild  Family  comists  of  a  layer  of  childish 
scrapes  and  adventures  sandwiched  between  thick  slabs  of  pious 
allusions,  and  spotted,  like  a  currant  cake  (the  simile  cannot  offend), 
with  lexte.  Never  were  parents  so  prompt  as  the  Fairchild  couple  to 
improve  the  mott  trivial  occasion,  and  never  were  <  hildren  so  deter- 
mined in  dragging  in  the  prospect  of  "hell,  the  place  which  burns 
for  ever  with  fire  and  brimstone,"  as  a  punishment  for  the  very  least 
deviation  from  the  narrow  path  of  correct  behaviour. 

MB..  ANSTEY  accounts  for  the  popularity  of  The  Fairchild  Family 
on  several  grounds.  He  is  disposed  to  think  that  a  great  many 
children  have  a  natural  sympathy  with  priggishness,  and  that  to 
others  it  must  have  afforded  unholy  joy  to  hear  of  the  hot  wat<  r  the 
gocd  children  were  constantly  getting  into.  Moreover,  as  he  points 
out,  "  throughout  the  book  various  good  things  to  eat  are  chronicled 
with  much  feeling,"  and  there  are  plenty  of  funerals  and  death-bed 
scenes,  both  of  which,  as  is  well  known,  have  a  curious  fascination 
for  childish  or  uninstructed  minds.  These  reasons  may  account  for 
something,  but  I  think  Mr.  ANSTEY  gets  nearer  to  the  real  causa 
causans  01  the  popularity  c.f  The  Fairchild  Family  when  he  savs 
"there  are  many  incidental  stories,  all  moral,  but  none  absolutely 
uninteresting,  and  some  ingenious  and  pretty.  And  finally,  the 
story  is  really  well-written  in  its  eld-fashioned  way,  and  has  a 
sincerity  and  earnestness  that  would  go  far  to  keep  many  a  worse 
book  alive." 


THERE  you  have  it.  Incidental  stories  will  help  to  keep  almost 
any  book  popular  amongst  children.  They  enjoy  nothing  more  than 
being  whisked  suddenly  off  the  _  beaten  treck  of  their  story  into  an 
entirely  new  region  peopled  with  fresh  inhabitants.  Their  little 
excursion  over,  they  came  back  with  renewed  zest  to  the  old  familiar 
region,  and  the  accustomed  faces  of  the  main  plot.  And  above  all 
things,  good  writing,  sound,  clear,  straightforward,  and  graphic, 
but  never  precious  or  affected,  is  essential,  if  boys  or  girls  are  really 
to  be  interested  in  a  book.  They  know  nothing  of  the  rules  of 
criticism,  and  probably  as  little  of  the  laws  of  grammar  and  composi- 
tion, but  in  their  own  unconscious  way  they  are  the  soundest  of 
critics,  and  an  ill-written,  ill- constructed  book  has  not  the  remotest 
chance  of  ever  being  widely  popular  amongst  children. 

PRIGGISHNESS  in  fiction  certainly  doesn't  disgust  children.  For 
one  thing,  I  ana  inclined  to  think  that  children  never  quite  reach 
that  pitch  of  imagination  by  which  adults  convince  themselves  that 
fictitious  characters  are  actual  flesh  and  blood.  Children  look  upon 
fiction  as  a  sort  of  game,  and  in  the  main  they  are  content  that  the 
author  should  set  up  and  clothe  his  own  characters,  and  make  them 
talk  and  act  in  whatever  way  seems  best  to  him,  even  when  that  way 
lies  entirely  apart  from  the  experience  of  his  little  readers.  They 
want  to  be  interested,  and,  if  the  author  satisfies  them  in  that 
respect,  they  scoept  without  a  murmur  eccentricities  which  in  real 
life  would  frighten  or  repel  them.  I  never  read  The  History  of  the 
Fairchild  Family  myself,  but  I  did  at  a  very  early  age  read  and 
enjoy  most  thoroughly  The  Swiss  Family  Robinson— those  immortal, 
outrageous,  platitudinous  prigs.  Their  priggi&hness  did  not  in  the 
least  appal  me ;  if  I  was  conscious  of  it  (which  I  doubt)  I  accepted  it 
as  part  of  the  convention  laid  down  by  the  author,  and  hurried  on 
breathlessly  to  discover  how  these  solitary  Swiss  sufferers  by  ship- 
wreck would  extricate  themselves  from  their  innumerable  difficulties. 
And  Sandford  and  Merton  I  read  with  unbounded  zest,  principally 
on  account  of  the  incidental  stories  with  which  that  excellent  Dook 
is  encrusted.  I  don't  think  I  objected  much  to  Mr.  Barlow.  He 
was  not  in  the  least  like  my  own  tutor  of  those  early  days,  a  breezy, 
hearty  Cambridge  man,  who  first  guided  my  trembling  footsteps 
through  the  mazes  of  Latin  grammar  and  taught  me  not  to  stumble 
over  vulgar  fractions ;  but  if  there  had  to  be  a  tutor  in  Sandford 
and  Merton,  Mr.  Barlow,  I  thought,  did  as  well  as  anybody  else  for 
the  place ;  and  after  all  it  was  the  author,  and  not  I,  who  had  made 
him.  I  wasn't  responsible  for  him. 

ALL  attempts  to  teach  children  to  be  good  or  religious  or  theologi- 
cally dogmatic  by  means  of  fiction  are  foredoomed  to  failure  for  the 
reasons  I  have  stated.  Fiction  being  a  game  to  children,  it  is  im- 
possible for  them  to  apply  what  they  read  in  stories  to  the  serious 
purpose  of  their  little  lives.  All  the  ^purposeful  goodness  or  religion 
in  a  story  just  glides  off  their  hacks :  if  there  is  a  story  they  enjoy  it, 
ard,  as  a  matter  of  fact,  they  don't  trouble  their  heads  for  a  moment 
with  religious  discussions  or  conversations  about  Heaven  and  the 
other  place  which  may  have  been  embroidered  into  it  by  the  sanguine 
but  deluded  author.  So  with  Gulliver's  Travels.  SWIFT'S  master- 
piece owes  its  wonderful  and  extensive  popularity  as  much  to  the 
interest  that  youngsters  take  in  its  marvels  as  to  any  delight  fx- 
perienced  by  their  elders  in  its  biting  satire.  Even  the  Big-endians 
are  accepted  as  part  of  Ihe  convention,  and  no  boy  that  I  ever  heard 
of  troubles  to  apply  the  moral  to  politics— even  if  he  knows  what 
politics  mean.  It  is  a  fie  e  piece  of  satire  in  itself  that  the  gloomy 
Dean's  highest  effort  in  satire  should  have  afforded  simple  delight  to 
generation  after  generation  of  young  folk  incapable  of  satire. 

I  HABDLY  know  what  boys  most  care  to  read  nowadays.  A  little 
fellow  of  ten,  who  is  now  staying  with  me,  is  deep  in  The  Prisoner 
of  Zenda,  having  lately  finished  Huckleberry  Finn.  In  a  day  or  two 
he  intends  to  tackle  Battles  of  the  Nineteenth  Century— a,  grand 
book  for  boys,  lately  published  by  Messrs.  CASSELL.  Do  boys  still 
rea  d  MABJBYAT  ?  Never  can  I  forget  the  early  j  oys  of  Peter  Simple  and 
Midshipman  Easy,  the  gloomy  but  fascinating  terrors  of  The  Dog- 
Fiend,  and  the  haunting  mystery  of  The  Phantom  Ship.  I  read 
them  all  again,  and  with  a  fresh  delight,  not  a  year  ago.  BALLAN- 
TYNE,  too,  was  a  friend  of  my  boyhood,  as  HENTY  is  a  friend  to  the 
young  generation  of  to-day,  which  reminds  me  that  every  work  by 
Mr.  HENTY  is  on  the  shelves  of  the  small  friend  of  whom  I  have 
spoken.  Little  boys,  I  think,  are  neither  prigs  nor  lovers  of  priggish- 
ness.  They  like  a  gallant,  breezy  heroism,  undaunted  by  dangers, 
and  unscathed  in  the  midst  of  the  thunderbolts  of  war.  About  little 
girls  I  am  not  EO  sure,  Quite  early  in  their  lives  they  pass  through 
a  preternaturally  serious  phase,  when,  weighted  with  innumerable 
dolls,  they  assume  the  responsibilities  and  the  airs  of  motherhood, 
and  are  apt  to  rebuke  little  brothers  for  naughtiness.  Yes,  I  think 
little  girls  are  sometimes  priglets— darling,  but  still  undeniable,  little 
priglets. 

DEFINITION.— "  The  Present  Day,"  i.e.,  My  Birthday. 


VOL.  ex. 


182 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


[APRIL  18,  1896, 


THE     ENRAGED    HOUSEHOLDER." 

(Tide  recent  Letters  in  "  Times  "  on  Street  Noises.) 


APBIB  18,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


183 


UNWILLING  10  GIVK  UP  HOUSES  ALTOGETHER,  CAP  IAIN  PEL  HAM  EFFECTED  A  COMPROMISE.    His  FIRST  Ar  PEA  RANGE  IN  THB  PAEK 

CREATED  QUITK  A  8BNSATION. 


OWED  TO  THE  MOON. 

0  SWEAB  not  by  the  moon,  the  inconstant  moon ! "  said  poor  love- 
Juliet.  echoing  blindly  the  anti-lnnar  prejudices  of  poets  and  other 
lunatics.1  The  moon  is  now  avenged.  Mr.  CLEMENTS,  the  great  weather- 
prophet,|efoes  swear  by  the  moon.  In  his  earlier  attempts  at  vaticina- 
tion he  was  thrown  out,  owing  to  "neglecting  the  moon."  Luna  took 
her  revenge  by  "  throwing  out"  his  calculations.  Now  Mr.  CLEMENTS 
has  conciliated  the  moon  by  "making  a  study  of  her"  ;  and  she  has 
done  for  him,  what  neither  the  sun  or  the  planets  would  or  could  do, 
namely,  enabled  him  to  foretell  the  weather  for  long  years  ahead, 
"  within  say  eight  or  ten  per  cent,  of  correctness."  To  be  sure  slight 
discrepancies  and  delay,  "due  to  the  overlapping  of  the  corresponding 
day  of  the  past  with  the  predicted  day,"  may  occasionally  occur,  and 
upset  the!? practical  arrangements  based  upon  moon-guided  prog- 
nostications. But  what  of  that?  If  CLEMENTS— and  the  moon- 
prophesy  that  it  will  be  fine  to-morrow  (when  you  are  going  to  be 
married)  and  it  is  not  fine  until  the  next  dav,  owing  simply  to 
"^ surface  discrepancies,"  you  needn't  blame  the  Birry  Road  seer  and 
his  familiar  satellite  for  so  slight  an  trror  as  that.  It  will  be  fine, 
sooner  or  later,  and  if  a  weather-prophet's  prophecy  it  ultimately 
fulfilled,  why  quibble  about  a  "discrepancy"  of  twelve  hours,  or 
even  twenty-four  ?  What  is  eight— or  even  ten— per  cent,  of  error  in 
such  epoch-making  estimates  as  those  of  Mr.  CLEMENTS  and  the  moon  ? 

0,  swear  not  at  the  mocn,  the  inconstant  moon, 

Who  to  our  prophet  is  a  blessed  boon 

For  she,  and  Mr.  CLEMENTS  linked  together, 

Will  tell  you  all  about  forthcoming  weather. 

She  "  monthly  changes  in  her  circled  orb," 

But  let  the  study  of  her  ways  absorb 

You,  as  it  does  the  setr  of  Barry  Road, 

And  a  new  Ode  to  Luna  will  be  owed. 

For,  like  a  sporting  tipster,  she,  no  doubt, 

Will  prove  "  upon  the  spot  "—or  thereabout. 

Just  trust  to  her  and  Mr.  C.  together, 

And  you  may  always  hope  for  CLEMENT(S)  weather 


Mono  FOE  DisimjTE  ALIENS. — "  Give  me  neither  poverty  nor 
RITCHIES  I " 


LIGHT  IN  EGYPTIAN  DARKNESS. 

(Extracted from  the  Chamberlain  Sphinx.) 

OTJB  policy 's  dark,  do  you  venture  to  say  P 

You  cannot  perceive  what  we  mean  ? 
"Well,  you  must  be  aware  that  the  new  RONTGEN  ray 

Is  light— though  it  cannot  be  seen  ! 
And  so  with  our  plan  on  the  banks  of  the  Si'e, 

Which  is — let  us  say — our  "  x  ray." 
You  just  wait  a  bit— you  will  find  it  worth  \«  bile — 

The  result  will  be  clear  as  the  day. 
A  tentative  thing  is  our  Soudan  advance, 

But  if  it  should  meet  with  defeat 
(At  the  hands  of  the  Rads,  or  the  Mahdi,  or  France), 

We' can  then  try— a  sudden  retreat ! 


FROM  AN  OLD  CONSERVATIVE.— "  I  see  there  is  a  Commons  Pre- 
servation Society.  Why  not  a  Lords  Preservation  Society  ?  There 
may  be  one,  for  aught  I  know,  but  I  live  away  in  the  country,  and 
conserve  myself  to  myself.  Yours, 

BABBLEBROKE  OP  GREINFJELDS." 

QUITE  THE  APPROPRIATE  PLACE. — It  is  proposed  to  start  "  A 
Smack  Boys'  Home"  at  Birohington.  Excellent  I  Gratifying  to 
the  shade  of  "  Ingoldsby."  But  whither  shall  the  smack  boys  go 
for  their  "  whaokation^? 

Paradoxical. 
IT  does,  indeed,  seem  singularly  strange 

That  people  pertinaciously  prating 
Against  Board  Schools  are  anxious  to  ariange 

That  all  schools  now  should  be  exempt  from  "rating." 


REMABKABLE    DOMESTICITY  OF  THE  "INCANDESCENT  LIGHT." — 
It  is  very  steady.    It  never  goes  out. 

RACING  NOTES.— Demi- semi  quavers. 


18 1 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  18,  1896. 


"  SAME  IDEA  ONLY  ANOTHER  WAY  OF  PUTTING  IT." 

First  Swell.  "How  ARK  Totr  TO-DAY,  OLD  BOY!" 

Second  Swell.  "ONLY  MIDDLING.    GOT  A  JOLLY  GOOD  COLD  I" 

First  Swell.  "THAT  ALL!    DOOSED  LUCKY,  OLD  FELLAH,  YOU  HAVEN'T  GOT  A  WRETCHED 

BAD  ONE  1  " 


'ARRY  ON  SPRING-TIME  AND  SPORT. 

DEAR  CHARLIE,— The  trees  is  all  blobby  wth 

buds  and  a-bustin'  out  green ; 
Good  old  Easter  is  over  and  gone,  and  the 

early  Spring  fashions  is  seen. 
Mother  Nature,  like  most  other  females,  is 

'aving  a  bran-new  rig-out, 
And  my  winter  "Immensikoff "  now  can  with 

safety  be  put  up  the  spout. 

We  ain't  'ad  not  no  winter  to  speak  of ;  no 
snow,  and  no  pipes  on  the  bust. 

The  Water  Cos.  last  year  wot  flummoxed ; 
but  now  they  feel  O.K.,  I  trust. 

With  them  plaguey  Progressives  knocked  out, 
and  the  good  old  Conservatives  in, 


Beer  and  Water  are  both  at  their  ease,  and 
so  likeways  are  Pulpit  and  Tin. 

Oh,  lor!  wot  a  comfort  it  is  to  'ave  thiogs 

right  side  upparda  once  more ! 
"  'Oly  calm,"  as  dear  DJZZY  once  called  it.    I 

never  'ave  felt  it  before 
Not  like  I  do  now,  dear  old  man ;  but  since 

ROSEBERY'S  gang  got  the  sack, 
I  'ave  been  like  a  bee  on  a  blossom,  with  'oly 

calm  all  up  my  back. 

Wuth  living  f or.'ain't  it,  old  hoyster  P  ^  I  sits 

at  our  Union  Club, — 
Wieh  combines  patriotic  True-Blueness  with 

all  the  delights  of  a  pub. — 
And  I  thinks  of  that  Hundred  and  Fifty  as 

follows  dear  ARTHUR  and  JOE, 


Till  wot  with  Spring  feelings  and  Sootoh,  I 
declare  I  feel  all  of  a  glow. 

In  the  Spring— as  some  poet  remarks— young 
men's  fancies  do  seem  on  the  tarn 

To  love  and  to  general  lumminess.  Senti- 
ment's slop  as  /spurn, 

But  somehow  the  lime-leaves  and  laylocks, 
laburnums  and  purple-topped  flags, 

Stirs  somethink  within  me  as  means  a  day  oft' 
and  a  new  pair  o'  bags. 

My  boss  'as  no  poetry  in  'im,  wus  luck,  and 

my  tailor's  the  same. 
But  Easter  comes  most  aprypo  to  a  chap  as 

would  keep  up  the  game. 
Bosses  can't  do  away  with  Cross  Bun  Day — 

thanks  be ! — and  a  bit  of  a  spin 
From  Thursday  to  Tuesday,  is  yum-yum, 

old  man,  just  as  Spring-time  comes  in. 

I  mounted  my  bike  this  last  'oliday.    Tell 

you,  dear  boy,  I  'm  a  dab 
At  the  Safety  by  this  time.    It's  proper !    A 

toil'  as  can  tool  'is  own  oab. 
Or  a  gent  on  'is  'ack  ain't  no  freer  nor  more 

hindependent  than  me 
When  I  fling  my  leg  over  the  saddle  and 

treadle  away  tords  the  sea. 

The  bike,  mate,  like  cigarette-smoking,  is 

levelling  class,  ah !  and  sex. 
When   Princesses  pedal,    and    Hempresses 

whiff,  there  are  prigs  it  may  vex ; 
Bat  biking  and  bacca,  like   love,  are  per- 

miskus,  and  don't  dror  no  line  ; 
And  the  Dachess  FUMFUDGE  on  'er  wheel 

ain't  no  'appier  than  me  upon  mine. 

I  know  lots  o'  littery  parties  now  freeza  oa 

to  cycling  like  fan. 
A  Society  star,  as  I  've  met  on  the  Healing 

Road,  out  for  a  run — 
Mister  SAMUEL  BONE  is  'is  name  I  'ave  'eard, 

though  I  don't  know  the  gent — 
On  'is  wheel,  with  'is  boy  at  'is  back,  is  a 

picture  of  crimson  content. 

I  once  used  to  meet  'im  on  'orseback,  a  lar 

Johnny  Gilpin,  you  know, 
All  elbers  and  knees ;  but,  Jimimer  I  e  's  gi  v  j 

that  the  chuck  1  ong  ago, 
And  now  bikes,  a  reglar  fair  buster.     'E 

is  "  a  dead  open  and  shut/' 
As  the  Yankees  remark ;  and  I  envy  'is  style, 

and  'is  pace,  and  'is  cut. 

With  'is  'appy  fat  smile,  and  fine  calves,  and 

'is  changes  of  rippin'  rig-out, — 
As  my  pocket  won't  run  to,  dear  boy,— 'e's 

as  jolly  as  jam,  I  've  no  doubt. 
If  there 's  one  man  in  London  I  envy  it 's  'im 

I  am  free  for  to  own ; 
And  I'm  told  'e's  a  genius,  too;  so 'ere 's 

bully  for  Mister  SAM  BONE  1 

When  swell  parties  like  'im  and  'is  pals  take 

up  biking  all  galliant  and  free, 
Can  you  wonder  the  game  'as  its  charms  for  a 

bit  o'  good  metal  like  Me  ? 
I  am  thinking  of  writing  a  book  called,  A 

Bhoy  on  a  Bike.    Once  afloat — 
I  am  told  by  a  printer  I  know— it  will  run 

like  Three  Men  in  a  Boat. 

Ah  I  more  so,  I  shouldn't  arf   wonder,  for 

everyone  bikes  in  these  days, 
And  it's  only  old  fogies  and  frumps  cook 

their  nose  at  the  sport  as  "  a  craze." 
A  craze,  my  dear  boy,  is  a  popular  game  you 

ain't  in,  or  don't  like ; 
And  it 's  that 's  wy  old  crocks  and  fat  dowdies 

are  dreadfully  down  on  the  bike. 

Don't  they  wish  they  wos  in  it,  my  pippin, 
old  boys  with  no  bellows  or  shanks. 

And  mouldy  old  miwies  too  hugly  for 
knickers  and  pretty-girl  pranks  ? 


APRIL  18,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


185 


I'd  a  race  on  the  road  t'other  day  with  a 
p/xrty  young  thing  in  serge  blue, 

And  if  I  was  not  lickea,  percisely,  I  'ad  to  do 
all  as  /knew. 

It  was  bellows  to  mend  with  the  pair  on  us 

when  we  pulled  up  at  a  pub. 
Sez  I,  "  Hatty  Lanter  ain't  in  it  with  you, 

Miss  !  "    (The  name  of  'er  club 
Called  after  a  great  Greek  girl  runner,  I  'm 

told.)    "  Ah,  Milanion,"  sez  she, 
"  If  I  'adn't  been  munching  some  happles  at 

lunch  —  well,  next  time  we  shall  see  I  " 

"Wy  she  called  me  that  name  I  've  no  notion. 

But  if  Mrs.  Grundy  'ad  seen 
Us  downing  that  'ill  neck  and  neck,  the  old 

trot  would  'a'  simply  turned  green. 
Not  womanly?    No,  but  it's  girlish,  and 

bully  for  girlhood,  say  I. 
They  are  doing  some  sports  out  in  Greece,  I 

am  told.    Will  Greek  girls  'ave  a  shy  ? 

"Wy  not  ?    If  you  Ve  been  to  Olympia,  and 

seen  the  she-cyclists  at  work,  — 
The   GBACES,  and    GAMBLEYS,  and    PAIL- 

LIABDES,  —  Great  Seott!  you  must  be  a 

old  Turk 
To  turn  on  the  vinegar-  cruet.    In  epite  of  all 

Partington  squeals, 
And  Grundyish  grumbles,  the  world  must 

make  way  for  the  Woman  on  Wheels  I 

So  among  "  Spring's  Delights  "  now  with  me, 

mate,  my  Safety  is  one  o'  the  fust. 
I  am  teaching  my  best  girl  to  pedal.    She  '11 

turn  out  a  scorcher,  I  trust  ; 
And  when  she  'a  ho  fay  I  shall  bring  'er  to 

see  you.    My  tandem  will  carry  — 
Though    she    ain't  no    light   weight  —  my 

KITTY,  and  yours  tollolbobbishly, 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

UP  till  now  I  thought  that  the  patent  for 
writing  genuinely  stirring  romance,  such  as 
the  gallant  Knight  of  the  Brush,  Sir  JOHN 
GILBERT,  would  love  to  illustrate,  had  been 
acquired  by  Messrs.  "Q,"  HAGGABD,  HALL 
CAINE,  ANTHONY  HOPE,  FBANK  BABBETT  & 
Co.,  limited,  but  now  I  find  an  opposition 
firm  started  by  A.  E.  W.  MASON,  whose 
Courtship  of  Morrice  Buckler,  published 
by  MACMHLAN  &  Co.,  is  a  most  fascinating 
story  of  this  class.  Not  only  is  it  full  of  plot 
and  counterplot,  not  only  is  its  hero  as 
original  as  any  recently  invented  hero  can 
possibly  be,  but  there  is  a  closely  woven 
thread  of  details,  every  one  of  which  is  abso- 
lutely essential  to  the  artistic  design.  So  in 
the  construction,  though  there  be  clouds  of 
dust  raised,  yet  is  there  no  one  figure  in  the 
tourbillon  that  does  not  fill  its  place  of  set 
purpose;  and  in  the  dialogue,  no  scrap  of 
conversation  without  its  definite  object,  nor, 
in  the  action,  is  there  a  single  movement 
without  its  proper  destination.  The  motive 
of  the^  hero  is,  in  one  sense,  of  the  noblest 
kind,  insomuch  that  it  represents  the  spec- 
tacle of  the  highest  form  of  manly  devotion, 
namely,  risking  life  for  the  purpose  of  re- 
venging the  death  of  a  friend,  and  so  punish- 
ing one  who  had  been  to  all  intents  and  pur- 
poses a  cowardly  assassin.  There  is  one  cir- 
cumstance, an  initial  one,  which,  had  the 
author  taken  advantage  of  his  own  inge- 
nuity, would  have  intensified  the  interest 
throughout  in  a  most  remarkable  manner. 
This  will  remain  the  Baron's  secret,  which, 
as  title  (The  Baron's  Secret,  is  it  not  a  good 
one  ?V  the  present  scribe  doth  "herewith," 
and  ''hereby,"  with  all  the  "  neverthelesses," 
"  notwithstandings,"  and  "  all-to-the-con- 
traries  "  possible,  register  and  appropriate  to 
his  own  particular  use.  It  is  an  omission 
which  goes  near  to  spoiling  the  character  of 


Small  Voice  from  under  the  Bid.  "No,  I  WILL  NOT  COME  OUT  1 
FOB  ALL,  BEBNBSIA,  I  WILL  BE  MASTER  IN  MY  OWN  HOUSE  I " 


I  TELL  YOU,   ONCE  AND 


the  brave  but  ill-fated  Julian,  who  appears 
For  a  brief  span  on  this  stage  and  then  is 
beard  no  more.  Yet  on  Julian's  last  moments 
depends  the  whole  sequence  of  events.  Per- 
haps the  curiosity  of  my  readers  will  be 
aroused  by  this  inuendo.  Be  this  as  it  may, 
if  this  my  hint  will  increase  the  number  of 
readers,  they  will,  unless  gratitude  be  extinct, 
thank  me  for  my  strong  recommendation  as  to 
the  excellent  entertainment  provided  for  them 
in  The  Courtship  of  Morrice  Buckler. 

If  H.  G.  WELLS,  whilst  writing  The  Island 
of  Dr.  Moreau,  had  only  preserved  the 
courage  of  his  original  idea,  he  might  have 
produced  a  romance  out-Haggarding  HAG- 
GABD, and  relegating  Zanoni  and  the  Yril " 
people  to  keep  company  with  Lemuel  Gul- 
liver, Ferdinand  Count  Fathom,  and  Co., 
in  the  shades  of  the  Almost  Forgotten  Ones. 
But  after  going  through  two-thirds  of  his 
uncanny  tale,  the  author,  apparently  satisfied 
so  far  with  his  undoubted  success  in  producing 
such  grotesque  and  fantastic  effects  as  could 


be  only  attributed  to  a  training  course  of 
heavy  suppers  and  a  superficial  study  of 
anatomical  subjects,  resulting  in  dream-fits 
of  violent  indigestion,  became  frightened  by 
his  own  monsters,  and  thought  MB  best  course 
would  be  to  announce  to  his  readers  that  he 
had  "  only  been  purtendin'  all  along,"  and 
that  these  awful  creatures  of  his  imagination 
were  in  reality  only  intended  to  represent  the 
stupidity,  selfishness,  sensuality,  and  all  the 
lower  qualities  of  animal  man ;  and  that,  in 
fact,  the  whole  story,  from  beginning  to  end, 
was  a  parable,  and  not  the  true  record  sup- 
posed to  have  been  made  by  the  uncle  of 
Charles  Edward  Prendrick,  and  subse- 
quently published,  for  the  benefit  of  society 
and  science,  by  his  enterprising  nephew. 
When  the  author  himself  shows  you  how 
it 's  done,"  there  is  an  end  of  the  mystery, 
the  interest  in  the  tale  is  dead,  and  the  author 
in  giving  himself  away  causes  the  reader  to 
regret  ever  having  taken  him  at  his  own 
valuation.  THE  BABON. 


186 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APBIL  18,  1896. 


A    DECLARATION    INDEED! 

"  AVFZ-VOTTS  QtJElQtnBOHOSB  A  DfcOLABIB,    MADAME  I"  "OH,   WBB  I     JE  DECLAB  QUB  NOOS  AVONO  PAIBDKW  TOO  NO  BAGGABQE  I" 


"WHAT  WE  ABE  COMING  TO  NEXT." 

WK  understand  that,  after  the  Early  Closing  Bill  has  been  passed, 
another  measure,  entitled  the  Household  Regulation  Act,  will 
become  law.  The  following;  is  a  rough  precis  of  its  chief  clauses : — 

(I.)  At  5  A.M.  in  summer,  and  5  30  A.M.  in  winter,  the  House- 
holder is  required  to  see  that  all  his  servants  [*  in  making  return, 
state  one  or  none]  have  risen  from  their  beds.  8honM  the  Inspector 
of  Morals  on  duty  report  that  the  kitchen  fire  has  not  been  lighted 
by  6  A.M.,  he  will  if  sue  a  summons  against  the  Householder. 

(II.)  By  9  A.M.  the  Householder  must  have  all  breakfast-tables 
cleared,  and  the  oookingof  eggs  and  bacon,  kidneys,  bloaters,  haddocks, 
and  other  dishes,  is  expressly  forbidden  after  that  hour.  No  daily 
papers  must  be  received  after  8  A.M.  Sunday  journals  are  forbidden. 
Under  this  clause  the  Inspector  may,  for  any  infringement  of  the 
rule,  claim  a  penalty  not  exceeding  £20. 

(III.)  Partial  weekly  cleanings  are  permissible  between  the 
hours  of  11  A.M.  and  2  P.M.,  but  no  general  cleaning  of  the  House- 
holder's premises  may  occur  save  on  the  days  allowed  by  this  Act,  to 
wit:— January  2,  April  1,  June  19,  and  October  17.  Should  such 
date  (or  dates)  fall  on  a  Sunday,  the  previous  Saturday  will  be  taken 
as  the  official  day  of  observance.  The  Inspector  is  authorised  to  enter 
the  house  (or  chambers,  or  flat)  on  all  such  occasions.  Penalties 
vary  from  £1  to  £100. 

(IV.)  Unless  the  Householder  can  prove  an  income  exceeding  £600 
per  annum,  no  late  dinner  shall  be  permitted  in  his  establishment. 
Meat-tea  or  supper  (the  bill  of  fare  of  which  must  be  supplied  on  de- 
mand to  the  Inspector)  can  in  no  case  be  permitted  after  6.30  P.M. 
Oysters,  turtle  soup,  and  champagne  are  absolutely  denied  to  persons 
who  are  unable  to  certify  to  an  annual  expenditure  of  £400  or  upwards 
in  indirect  taxation.  Hot  luncheons  (hashes,  resurrection  pies,  minced 
(cold)  meat,  and  previously  cooked  vegetables  being  exempted)  are 
forbidden.  Fines  for  each  and  every  infringement  of  this  regulation 
may  be  ascertained  by  the  schedule  supplied  to  all  Inspectors,  who 
are  authorised,  in  the  execution  of  their  duty,  to  taste  dishes,  as 
occasion  may  require. 

(V.)  The  Householder  must  transmit  to  the  Inspector,  without 
demand,  answers  to  the  following  inquiries : — 


(a)  Who  is  your  wine  merchant,  and  what  is  your  monthly  account 
for  liquor  supplied?  [*  This  need  not  include  soda  and  mineral 
waters,  but  must  comprise  bitters,  such  as  peach,  orange,  aid 
Angostura.] 

(o)  Give  the  names  of  your  baker,  greengrocer,  butcher,  grocer, 
ironmonger,  farrier,  oorndealer,  newsagent,  stockbroker  (if  any), 
medical  adviser,  tailor  or  milliner  (or  both),  bootmaker,  coach- 
builder,  cycle  manufacturer,  tobacconist,  fishmonger,  musical  instiu- 
ment  maker,  haberdasher,  washerwoman,  cheesemonger,  muffin-man, 
dairy-keeper,  and  solicitor. 

(e)  State  rent  of  premises  [*  if  a  freeholder,  title  must  be  proved], 
and  age  of  landlord  [or  landlady,  or  executors,  or  trustees]. 

(d)  Furnish  marriage  certificates  of  yourself  and  wife  (or  husband), 
father  and  mother,  grandfather  and  grandmother  (paternal  and 
maternal),  alto  certificates  of  birth,  vaccination,  and  school  progress 
of  your  children.  [*  If  a  bachelor  (or  tpinster)  claim  stamped  exemp- 
tion (fee  £2)  under  the  Non-responsibility  clause.  Cap.  209. } 

( VI. )  The  Householder  is  required  to  verify  to  the  satisfaction  of  1  he 
Inspector  the  extinction  of  all  lights  on  his  premises  by  the  hour  of 
10  P.M.,  grace  of  fifteen  minutes  oeirg  allowed  in  oases  of  visits  to 
places  of  amusement,  for  which  special  permits  (issued  monthly,  and 
available  only  on  one  occasion)  will  be  made  by  the  Inspector  on  pay- 
ment of  the  following  fees  per  head :—  Opera  5*.,  theatre  (light)  2s.  6«., 
ditto  (serious)  Is,,  and  music  halls  10s.  In  event  of  the  Householder 
neglecting  to  carry  out  the  law  with  regard  to  the  extinction  of 
lights,  he  is  liable  to  imprisonment  without  the  option  of  a  fine,  at 
the  discretion  of  the  Inspector. 

PLEASUBES,  PAINS,  AND  PENALTIES.— In  the  Daily  Telegraph 
there  appeared  three  separate  paragraphs  under  the  heading 
"  Bicycle  Accidents."  It  is  to  be  hoped  that,  for  the  benefit  of  the 
"  Common- Wheel,"  sufficient  material  may  not  be  forthcoming  to 
warrant  the  daily  appearance  of  such  a  column.  Anyway,  this  will 
give  bicyclists  a  shake  all  round. 

A  VEBY  WATBBT  MEASURE.— The  Raines  Bill,  as  inforced  in  the 
city  of  New  York. 


H 
bd 

M 


M 
H 
i 

o 

i 

i 


b 

o 


SB 
d 


M 
H 


w 


£ 
s 

o       £>. 
S      & 


APRIL  18   1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


189 


THAT  GAME  OF  COLF.-I. 

POFFLKS  said  I  must  learn  golf, 
life  was  not  worth  living1  without 
golf ;  my  liver  was  sluggish,  ac- 
cording to  POFFLES,  I  was  alto- 
gether too  fat,  and,  in  fact, 
nothing  but  a  course  of  golf 
would  cure  it. 

One  fine  day,  when  we  had 
been  discussing  the  matter  for 
the  fiftieth  time,  and  I  had  ex- 
hausted my  entire  stock  of  argu- 
ments against  POFFLES' 8  proposal, 
I  feebly  remarked  that  you 
couldn't  play  golf  without 
"sticks,"  and  as  I  hadn't  any 
sticks,  that  ended  the  matter 
once  and  for  all.  POFFLES,  how- 
ever, was  not  to  be  so  easily 
beaten,  and  that  same  afternoon, 
under  some  pretence,  I  was  be- 
guiled unexpectedly  into  the 
presence  of  a  polite  gentleman 
whose  business  it  was  to  provide 
players  with  the  necessary 
weapons  for  the  i  rosecution  of 
"the"  game.  Once  inside  the 
shop,  POFFLES  and  his  professional 
friend  proceeded,  in  spite  of  all 
remonstrances  on  my  part,  to 
supply  me  (at  my  own  expense) 
with  an  outfit  of  "  clubs,"  as  they 
called  them,  to  enable  me  to  learn 
the  game  at  the  shortest  possible 
notice. 

I  really  can't  remember  the 
names  of  all  the  awful  instru- 
ments I  purchased  at  that  shop. 
They  were  all  so  new  and  nice 
that,  after  a  time,  I  was  quite 
interested,  swinging  the  clubs  in 
the  most  vicious  way,  to  the 
manifest  disturbance  of  POFFLES, 
who  nearly  got  his  head  broken 
with  a  thing  they  called  a  "  patent 
mid-spoon brassey  bulger" !  Then 
I  purchased  several  "  irons  "  and 
"drivers,"  two  or  three  "cleeks," 
and  a  thing  called  a  "  mashie  "  or 
"niblick"  or  something.  I  did 
like  that  "niblick"— it  was  a 
real  powerful  club— it  reminded 
me  of  a  battle-axe,  I  felt  I  could 
"  rely  "  on  it  all  the  time. 

Well,  after  a  time  POFFLES  got 
me  away— not  without  the  clubs, 
which  I  insisted  on  taking  home 
to  show  my  wife,  MAKIA,  and  we 
arranged  to  go  down  to  Ranelagh 
(POFFLES  belongs  to  Ranelagh) 
and  have  a  quiet  game  next  day, 
Saturday.  On  returning  home,  I 
practised  in  the  drawing-room 
with  the  clubs,  as  POFFLES  said 
I  must  get  into  the  right 
"swing."  That  "swing"  cer- 
tainly turned  out  expensive,  as 
during  my  practice  I  not  only 
managed  to  clear  the  cabinet  of 
several  of  MAEIA'S  be&t  wedding 
presents,  but  I  also  scooped  a  piece  out  of  the  carpet  with  the  "niblick," 
which,  to  say  the  least  of  it,  was  unfortunate.  While  I  was  trying  to 
glue  the  piece  of  carpet  down  again,  MAKIA  came  in  suddenly  and  said 
unpleasantthmgs  of  a  very  strong  description.  I  felt  very  annoyed  with 
MABIA,  but  then  women  are  always  so  unreasonable,  and  MAKIA  never 
could  sympathise  with  anything  I  wanted  to  do  out  of  the  common. 
When  I  put  it  to  her  in  this  way  she  retorted,  "  If  you  want  to  swing 
sticks  about  do  it '  on  the  common.' "  She  thought  this  sharp.  So 
aid  I :  but  I  didn't  say  so.  I  only  observed  that  it  was  not  my  fault 
it  the  drawing-room  was  the  only  room  large  enough  to  "  swing"  in. 

The  next  day  we  went  down  to  Eanelagh.  POFFLES  appeared  in  a 
most  remarkable  costume,  which  certainly  didn't  add  to  his  personal 
appearance.  He  had  a  large  wide-awake  hat  of  a  description 
?u-opv  y  BirFFALo  BILL  in  his  great  scalp-hunting  operations.  To 
this  he  addtd  a  brilliant  red  coat  with  brass  buttons,  a  flannel  shirt, 


SOMETHING    JAPANESE. 

FLIRTING  WITH  THEIR  FANS. 


EH? 


OH  1 1 1 1 


knickers,  and  a  pair  of  stockings 
with  a  pattern  on  them  that  re- 
minded me  of  SHOCK'S  fireworks. 
Then  his  boots  were  something  to 
be  remembered,  and  a  pair  of 
yellow  spats  didn't  improve  them 
at  all.  Altogether  he  seemed  to 
me  to  be  a  kind  of  cross  between 
a  Texan  cow-boy  and  a  South  Sea 
Pirate.  I  thought  there  ought 
to  be  something  wonderful  in 
POFFLES'  play  to  justify  that 
costume,  but  subsequent  events 
didn't  exactly  prove  it. 

We  had  lunch  first  in  the  room 
which  had  been  decorated  so  be- 
comingly in  green,  to  be  in  keep- 
ing, no  doubt,  with  the  other 
"green,"  and  then  we  made  a 
start.  I  had  so  many  clubs  that 
POFFLES  said  I  had  better  have 
two  "caddies"  to  carry  them;  I 
couldn't  make  up  my  mind  to 
part  with  any  of  them,  as  I  was 
quite  sure  I  should  want  them  all. 

Then,  just  as  we  were  going  to 
begin,  a  friend  of  POFFLES  came 
up,  named  SLOGTTM,  and  said  he 
would  like  to  join  us,  so  we  de- 
cided to  have  a  "  three-some,"  as 
POFFLES  called  it.  After  that 
came  the  trouble.  Of  which  I 
will  tell  you  in  my  next. 


OUT  OF  SCHOOL. 

DEAB  MR.  PUNCH,— The  chaps 
at  our  place  always  look  upon  you 
as  our  great  friend.  We  all  take 
you  in.  At  least,  one  of  our  fellows 
buys  your  paper,  in  which  is  all  the 
wit  and  wisdom  of  the  world,  and 
none  of  your  horrid  Greek,  Latin, 
and  other  "  preserved  tongues." 
About  me  is  no  "Familiarity  which 
breeds  contempt,"  as  SHAKSPEABE 
(or  some  one)  says.  You  will  be 
surprised  at  my  knowing  that 
quotation.  It  comes  of  trying  to 
floor  our  holiday  task.  Such  a 
beastly  shame  I  This  is  how  I 
have  answered  the  paper,  which 
is  headed  "General  Intelligence." 
Here  is  the  first  question : — 
"  What  kind  of  books  do  you  like 
best;  give  reasons  for  preference." 
Answer.  I  like  school  books 
best.  My  reason  for  preferring 
them  to  novels  is  that  they  in- 
struct me,  and  my  progress  is 
pleasing  to  my  parents  and  to  the 
credit  of  my  pastors  and  masters. 
That  ought  to  satisfy  them. 
Here  's  number  two.  "  What 
would  you  like  to  be  in  after  life ; 
give  full  reasons  for  your  answer." 
Answer.  After  life  I  should  like 
to  be  an  angel.  The  full  reason 
for  this  reply  is  surely  unneces- 
sary. What  else  could  I  wish  P 

Had  them  there  I  Here's  ano- 
ther : — "  A  man  blows  his  tea  to  make  it  cool,  and  blows  his  hands 
to  make  them  warm — explain  this  seemingly  funny  proceeding." 

Answer.  Because  he  must  blow  something.  When  he  has  nothing 
else  to  blow  he  blows  his  nose. 

And  now  for  the  last  I  attempted :—"  Where  do  you  get  your 
sugar,  salt,  mustard,  and  vinegar,  and  what  arejthey  ?  " 

Answer.  I  get  my  sugar,  salt,  mustard,  and  vinegar  from  my  dear 
parents,  and  am  told  (by  them)  that  they  are  paid  for. 

If  that  doesn't  get  me  a  reputation  for  filial  devotion  and  simple 
credulity  (I  have  looked  those  words  out  in  the  dictionary),  call  me  a 
Dutchman ! 

But  do  protest  against  holiday  tasks  in  play-time,  there's  a  good 
chap.  And  now  I  can't  write  any  more  rot,  as  I  am  off  to  spend  the 
ten  shillings  my  Uncle  CHARLES  gave  me  for  necessaries  at  the  tuck 


shop. 


Your  sincere  friend, 


SMITH  Moron. 


190 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAKI. 


[APRIL  18,  1896. 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FBOM  THE  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 


duty  beat  the  Protestant  dram  with  the  office  btamp,  and  publicly 
prayed  for  the  conversion  of  the  parish  priest.  His  name  was 
SIMPSON,  so  they  out  his  hair  and  translated  him  to  Protestant 
Ulster.  Corporal  HANBITBY  spasmodically  passed  his  hand  over  his 
House  of  Commons,  Thursday  t  April  9. — What  Corporal  HAN-  i  brow  as  he  thought  of  what  only  a  year  ago  he  would  have  said  on 
BURY  suffered  throughout  the  watches  of  this  night  no  tongue  can  this  case.  Now  he  had  to  defend  the  DELTT.A  n  of  the  Post  Office, 
tell.  House  reopened  after  Easter  Holidays.  Civil  Service  Ksti- !  Then  there  was  PICKEBSGILL  wanting  to  know  why  deaf  mutes 
mates,  as  usual,  taken,  hoping  that,  in  absence  of  Members  still  are  not  utilised  as  postmasters  in  rural  parishes ;  OSBOBNE  MOHGAW 
making  holiday,  a  lot  might  be  run  through.  Only  a  short  year  protesting  against  official  recognition  in  the  Pottal  Guide  of  Welsh 
ago  Private  HAN  IIURY,  supported  by  Cap'en  TOM  MY,  .buttressed  on  places  by  Saxon  nicknames ;  HENNI  KER-HEATON,  hot,  as  he  told  a 


other  side  by  the  Blameless 
BABTLEY,  had  high  old  time. 
In  accordance  with  custom 
he  and  they  made  point  of 
being  in  their  place  punc- 
tually on  resumption  of  sit- 
tings. Financial  Secretary 
to  Treasury,  glancing  round 
scantily  filled  benches,  eyes 
glistening  with  hope  at  pros-  ' 
peot  of  running  through 
pock  ets-f  ull  of  votes,  changed 
countenance  as  his  glance 
fell  upon  the  three  priva- 
teers opposite  on  second 
bench  above  Gangway. 

Knew  what  was  in  store 
from  them;  never  disap- 
pointed. Private  HANBCBY 
made  prodigious  speeches  on 
every  vote.  When  discus- 
sion thus  raised  languished, 
Cap'en  TOMMY,  nailing  his 
trysails  to  the  jibboom, 
loffed,  bore  down,  and  fired 
a  broadside  that  filled  the 
House  with  smoke  and  the 
Minister  in  charge  of  the 
vote  with  mortification. 
Again  sky  cleared ;  conver- 
sation drooped  ;  Chairman  Mr^  Himburu  ^na)tciai  Secretary  to  the  Treasury)  to  Mr.  Hanburv  (the  representative  v  v-  t  AT 
rose  to  put  question  that  rfthe  fogt  0^ce  in  the  Heuge  of  Commo*»).  "  Money  for  the  Post  Office,  dear  boy  ;  cer-  ?ut  to  8°  ™m*>  w™h  ^.em- 
vote  be  agreed  urxn,  when  tainly,  always  delighted  to  oblige  YOU."  t>er8  reluctantly  did.  Gen- 
the  Blameless  BABTLEY,  «<  lte  Treasury  exerciBed  control  over  Post  Office  expenditure,  and  it  wa«  therefore  an  {l«m«l  below  Gangway, 
Hushing  like  the  harvest  advantage  to  the  Post  Office  to  be  directly  represented  by  a  Treasury  official  in  that  having  nothing  else  to  divide 
moon,  discovered  on  his  feet  House."—  Mr.  Jfanbury's  Speech,  April  9.  upon,  took  division  on  mo- 
wanting  to  know,  you  know.  tion  to  adjourn.  Ministerial 

Ah,  me  I  the  days  that  are  no  more.  To-night  HANBUBY,  private  \  majority  omnipotent  here  aa  elsewhere.  Motion  to  adiouin  carried 
no  longer,  but  full  corporal,  with  hope  of  further  promotion,  sits  by  95  to  29.  Eviction  forthwith  carried  out.  Passers-by  Palace 
alone  on  Treasury  Bench  in  charge  of  those  very  estimates  whose  Yard  at  half-past  ten  surprised  to  find  JOHN  BUBNS,  LLOYD-GEOBGE. 
passage  he  used  to  obstruct.  Cap'en  TOMMY'S  hammock  empty.  Dr.  TANNEB,  DAIZIEL,  and  the  Boy  AILEN  (not  to  be  confounded 
Blameless  B.,  one  of  the  gems  the  dark,  unfathomed  caves  of  ocean  with  the  Man  ALLAN)  earnped  out  amid  the  sticks  and  stcnes  of  their 
bear,  blmhes  elsewhere  unseen.  Others  take  their  places;  ALBERT  furniture  in  shape  of  rejected  Amendments. 

ROLLIT  with  his  pragmatical  postman,  who  at  the  General  E  lee  inn       "A  pretty  state  <f  things  we're  coming  to,"  said  JOHN  BURNS, 
didn't  care  for  Trojan  or  Tyrean,  but  would  vote  for  the  man  who   gleomily.    "Butiness  all  over  by  ten  o'clock;  shutters  up  at  half- 
pronoiged  to  kncck  off  an  hour  firom  his  day's  work  and  nail  on  a  past.    Always  been  in  favour  of  early- closing  movement,  but  didn't 
shilling's  pay;   ABNOLD-FOBSTEH  with  his  Orange  Postmaster,  a  mean  to  have  it  apply  to  the  Westminster  Stores." 
shining  light  in  Catholic  Sligo,  who  in  the  intervals  of  professional       Business  done. — Votes  in  Supply  by  wholesale. 


sympathetic  Committee, 
from  travel  night  and  day 
a  thousand  miles,  arriving 
only  just  in  time  to  deliver 
(with  extra  penny  stamp  for 
late  fte)  his  familiar  speech. 

These  and  others  filled  the 
air  with  murmur  of  multi- 
tude of  words  Corporal  HAN- 
BTJBY  would  have  uttered 
had  he  still  been  Private. 

"Ah,  TOBY,"  he  said, 
when  relief  came  with  mid- 
night, "  you  tee  the  stripes 
on  my  arm  that  proclaim 
my  rank.  Happily  for  the 
peace  of  your  kind  mind  you 
cannot  see  the  stripes  that 
lacerate  my  heart  on  a  night 
like  this." 

Business  done.  —  Post 
Office  Yote  worried  through. 

Friday.  —  Another  night 
in  Committee  of  Supply. 
Attendance  small  and,  in 
accordance  with  practice  in 
such  oircumsl  ances,  yield  of 
votes  large.  By  ten  o'clock  all 
estimates  put  down  for  sit- 
ting got  through.  No  more 
work  to  do.  Nothing  for  it 


THE  UNWILLING  GUEST. 

(A  Telegraphic  Comedy.) 

(1)  From  J.  C.,  London,  to  JP.  K.t  Pretoria.— Everything  ar- 
ranged.   When  may  we  expect  ycku  ? 

(2)  P.  K.  to  J.  C.— What  is  tbp  cost  of  the  journey  third  class? 

(3)  J.  C.  to  P.  K. — Never  mind  cost.    Guarantee  all  expenses, 
and  UP e  of  Queen's  ship. 

(4)  P.  K.  to  J.  C.— What  absut  lodgings?    Landlady  must  be 
moderate  and  certified  respc  ctable.    Hymn-singer  preferred. 

(5)  J.  C.  to  P.  K. — You  can  have  Buckingham  Palaoe.    C-BTN-Y 
shall  arrange  hymns.    But  do  hurry  up. 

(6)  P.  K.  to  J.   C.— Hear  that  J-M-S-N  and  friends  will  be  in 
London.    Don't  want  to  meet  them. 

^7)  J.  C.  to  P.  .ST.— Pledge  my  word  you  shall  not.    This  delay  is 
most  provoking. 

(8)  P.  K.  to  J.  C.— Your  disagreeable  haste  has  given  me  the 
gout. 

(9)  J.  C.  to  P.  K. — I  apologise  for  over-anxiety.    S.rry  to  hear  of 
your  gout.    Best  advice  in  London. 

(10)  P.  K.  to  J.  C.— Prefer  my  Pretoria  doctor.    What  an  excel- 
lent speech  you  made  the  other  night.    I  read  between  the  lines. 

(11)  J.  C.  to  P.  K. — Glad  you  liked  speech.    Ntver  mind  lines; 
take  railway.    Please  name  date  of  your  departure. 

(12)  P.  K.  to  J.  C— Don't  be  impatient.    Household   matters 
must  be  attended  to.    What  is  the  weather  like  with  jou  ? 


(13)  J.  C.  to  P.  A'.— Splendid  weather,  likely  to  improve.    Anti- 
cipate your  ai  rival  with  pleasure. 

(14)  P.  K.  to  J.  C.— Never  anticipate  anything.    Don't  esteem 
being  anticipated. 

(15)  J.  C.  to  P.  K. — Are  you  coming  or  are  you  not? 

(16)  P.  K.  to  J.  C.— Your  question  implies  distrust.    If  I  were  to 
tell  you,  evidently  you  would  not  believe  me. 

[Curtain  abruptly  falls,  leaving  J.  C.  at  one  end  of  the  wire 
trampling  on  priceless  orchids,  and  P.  K.  at  the  other  calling 
for  more  tobacco  and  coffee. 


LITEBABY.— Mr.  THOMAS  HABDY,  we  are  told,  has  written  a  chatty 
preface  for  his  Westex  Tales.  Like  all  Mr.  HABDY  writes  it  will, 
doubtless,  be  well  worth  reading.  But,  as  regards  his  later  novels 
at  least,  is  not  the  first  syllable  (in  the  title  Wessex  Tales)  just  a 
trifle  superfluous  ? 

Mrs.  Grundy  no  doubt  it  must  mightily  vex 
To  find  HARDY'S  novels  run  so  upon  8fx. 
But  still  more  to  find  that,  in  halls  and  in  hovels 
The  st  x  makes  so  hardy  a  run  on  his  novels. 


THE  BABBISTEB'S  FAVOTTBITE  HYMN.— "  'Brief  life  is  here  our 
portion."  _ 

OBATOBICAL  AXIOM.— Self- possesiion  is  nine  points  of  the  "jaw." 


APRIL  18,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


191 


THE    REVIVAL    OF   THE    OLYMPIC    GAMES    AT   ATHENS. 

Portion  of  a  Design  for  the  suggested  restoration  of  the  Frieze  of  the  Parthenon  in  commemoration  of  the  event. 


JOTTINGS  AND  TITILINGS. 
(87  BABOO  HURRY  T.UNGSHO  JABBBRJKB,  6. A.) 

No.  X. 
Mr.  Jabberjee  is  taken  to  see  a  Glove-Fight. 

A  YOTLV<;  sprightly  Londoner  acquaintance  of  mine,  who  is  a 
me  Tiber  of  a  Sportish  Club  where  exhibitions  of  fisticuffs  are 
periodically  given,  did  generously  invite  me  on  a  recent  Monday 
evening  to  be  tha  eye-witness  of  this  gladiatorial  spectacle. 

And,  though  not  constitutionally  bellicose,  I  eajerly  accepted  his 
invitation  on  being  assured  that  I  should  not  be  requisitioned  to  take 
part  personally  in  suc^i  pugilistic  exercises,  and  should  observe  same 
from  a  safe  distance  and  coign  of  vantage,  for  I  am  sufficiently  a 
lover  of  sportfulness  to  appreciate  highly  the  sight  of  ourage  and 
science  in  third  parties. 

So  he  conducted  me  to  the  Club-house,  and  by  the  open  sesame  of  a 
ticket  enabled  me  to  penetrate  the  barrier,  after  which  I  followed  his 
wake  downstairs,  through  rooms  full  of  smoking  and  converging 
eportlovers  mostly  in  festal  attire,  to  a  long  and  lofty  hall  with 
balconies  and  a  stage  at  the  farther  end  with  foliage  painted  in 
imitation  of  a  forest,  which  was  tenanted  by  press  reporters. 

The  centre  of  the  hall  was  monopolised  by  a  white  square  platform 
confined  by  a  ciroumambience  of  rope,  which  I  was  informed  was 
the  veritable  theatre  of  war  and  cockpit. 

Presently  two  hobbardyhovs  made  the  ascent  of  this  platform 
with  their  attendant  myrmidons,  and  did  proceed  to  remove  their 
trouserings  and  c  mts  until  they  were  in  the  state  of  nature  with  the 
exception  of  a  loincloth,  whereupon  the  President  or  Master  of  the 
Ceremonies  introduced  them  and  their  respective  partisans  by  name 
to  the  assemblage,  stating  their  prec'se  ponderability,  and  that  these 
uvenile  antagonists  were  fraternally  related  by  ties  of  brotherhood. 

At  which  1  was  revolted,  for  it  is  against  nature  and  contra  bonos 
mores  that  relations  should  be  egged  on  into  family  jars,  nor  can 
such  proceedings  tend  to  promote  the  happiness  and  domesticity  of 
their  home  circle.  However,  on  such  occasion  when  the  youths  were 
in  danger  of  inflicting  corporal  injuries  upon  each  other,  the 
President  called  oat  "Time  "  in  such  reproving  tones  that  they  hung 
their  heads  in  shamefulness  and  desisted.  And  at  length  they  were 
persuaded  into  a  pacification,  and  made  the  amende  honorable  by 
shaking  each  other  by  the  hand,  whereat  I  was  rejoiced,  for,  as  Poet 
WATTS  says,  "Birds  which  are  in  little  nests  should  refrain  from 
falling  out." 

The  victory  was  adjudged  to  the  elder  brother — in  obedience,  I 
suppose,  to  the  rule  of  Primogeniture,  for  he  did  not  succeed  ii 
reducing  his  opponent  to  a  hors  de  combat. 

Next  came  a  more  bustling  encounter  between  Misters  BILL 
HUSBAND  and  MYSTERIOUS  SMITH,  which  was  protracted  to  the 
duration  of  eight  rounds.  1  was  largely  under  the  impression  that 
Mister  HUSBAND  was  to  win,  owing  to  the  acclamations  he  received,  and 


the  excessive  agility  with  which  he  removed  his  head  from  vicinity 
of  the  blows  of  Mister  MYSTEHIOUS  SMITH. 

It  was  truly  magnificent  to  see  how  they  did  embrace  each  other 
by  the  neck,  and  the  wonderment  and  suspicion  in  their  glanos 
when  one  discovered  that  he  was  resting  his  chin  upon  the  uadded 
hand  of  his  adversary,  and  from  time  to  time  the  Hon'ble  Chair- 
man was  heard  ordering  them  to  "  break  away,"  and  "^not  to  hold," 
or  requesting  us  to  refrain,  from  any  remarks.  And  at  intevals  they 
retired  to  sit  upon  chairs  in  opposing  corners,  where  they  rinsed  their 
mouths,  and  were  severely  fanned  by  their  bsarers,  who  agitated  a 
large  towel  after  the  manner  of  a  punkah.  But,  in  the  end,  it  was 
Mysterious  Mister  SMITH  who  hit  the  right  nail  on  the  head,  and  was 
declared  the  conquering  hero,  though  once  more  I  was  incapacitated 
to  discover  in  what  preoise  respects  he  was  the  facile  princeps. 

Around  the  hall  there  were  placards  announcing  that  smoking  was 
respectfully  prohibited,  and  the  President  did  repeatedly  intreat 
members  of  the  audience  to  refrain  from  blowing  a  cloud,  assuring 
them  that  the  perfume  of  tobacco  was  noxious  a^d  disgustful  to  the 
combatants,  and  threatening  to  mention  disobedient  tobacconists  by 
name. 

Whereupon  most  did  desist;  but  some,  secreting  their  cigars  in. 
the  hollow  of  their  hands,  took  whiffs  by  stealth,  and  blushed  to 
find  it  fame ;  while  others,  who  were  such  grandees  and  big  pots  that 
their  own  convenience  was  the  first  and  foremost  desideratum,  con- 
tinued to  smoke  with  lordliness  and  indifference. 

And  I  am  an  approver  of  such  conduct — for  it  ia  unreasonable  that 
a  well-brei,  genteel  sort  of  individual  should  nuke  the  total  sacri- 
fice of  a  cigar,  for  which  he  ha*  perhaps  paid  as  much  as  two  or  even 
four  annas,  out  of  consideration  for  insignificant  common  chaps 
hirei  to  engage  in  snip  maps  for  his  entertainment. 

The  last  competition  was  to  be  the  bonne  louche  tailpiece  de  resist- 
ance of  the  evening,  consisting  of  a  rumpus  in  twenty  rounds  be- 
tween Misters  TOM  TBACY  of  Australia,  and  TOMMY  WILLIAMS,  from 
the  same  hemisphere,  at  which  I  was  on  the  tiptoe  of  expectation. 

Bat,  although  they  commenced  with  dancing  activity,  one  of  the 
TOMS  in  the  very  first  round  sparred  the  other  under  the  chin  with 
such  superabundant  energy  that  he  immediately  became  a  recum- 
bent for  a  lenfirthy  period,  and,  on  being  elevated  to  a  chair,  only 
recaptured  suffioient  consciousness  to  abandon  the  sponge. 

And  then,  to  my  chapf alien  disappointment,  the  Chairman 
announced  that  he  was  very  sorry  and  could  not  help  it,  but  that 
was  the  concluding  box  of  the  evening. 

I  will  reluctantly  confess  that,  on  tne  whole,  I  found  the  proceed- 
ings lacking  in  sensationality,  since  they  were  of  very  limited  dura- 
tion, and  totally  devoid  of  bloodshed,  or  any  danger  to  the  life  and 
limb  of  the  performers.  For  it  is  not  reasonably  possibly  for  a 
combatant  to  make  a  palpable  hit  when  his  hands  are,  as  it  were, 
muzzled,  being  cabined,  cribbed,  and  confined  in  padded  soft  glovea, 
I  am  not  a  squeamish  in  such  oases,  and  1  must  respectfully  submit 
that  the  Cause  of  True  Sport  can  only  be  hampered  by  such  nursery 


192 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  18,  189fi 


and  puerile  restrictions,  for  none  can  expect  to  compound  an  ome- 
lette without  the  fracture  of  eggs. 

Upon  remarking  as  above  to  my  young  lively  friend,  he  assured 
me  that  even  a  gloved  hand  was  competent  to  produce  facial  dis- 
figurement and  tap  the  vital  fluid,  and  offered  to  demonstrate  the 
truth  of  his  statement  if  I  would  be  the  partaker  with  him  in  a  glove- 
box. 

But,  though  doubting  the  authenticity  of  his  assertions,  I  thought 
it  prudential  to  decline  the  proof  of  the  pudding,  and  so  took  a  pre- 
cipitate leave  of  him  with  profuse  thanks  for  his  ur  paragoned  kind- 
ness, aid  many  promises  to  put  on  the  gloves  with  him  at  the  fmt 
convenient  opportunity. 


A  LITTLE  WALK.    (From  Monte  Carlo  to  Nice.) 

THAT  is,  from  La  Tnrbie.  Up  to  La  Turbie  by  train.  Not  exactly 
a  walk  so  far.  Also  rather  prosaic.  The  romance  begins  at  the  top, 
on  the  famous  and  beautiful  Route  de  la  Gorniche.  Arrived  there, 
find  everyone  strolls  quite  naturally  into  a  restaurant,  which  might 
be  in  Paris,  except  that  it  is  filled  with  English  and  Germans. 
Probably  the  romance  begins  further  on.  From  the  terrace  look 
down,  iu  both  senses  of  the  word,  on  the  little  mass  of  white  build- 
ings, variously  described  as  "  the  plague  spot  of  the  Riviera,"  mostly 
in  serious  English  books,  and  "  Uh  paradis  terrestre,"  mostly  in 
frivolous  French  newspapers.  Fine  view  of  the  gimcrack  Casino,  the 
showy  hotels,  the  tawdry  cafes.  Can  almost  see  the  winners  faring 
sumptuously  at  the  Cafe  des  Millionnaires,  or  the  Restaurant  des 
Riohissimes,  and  the  losers  hastening  to  the  numerous  little  offiofs 
inscribed  "  Avances  sur  Bijoux"  Can  almost  h«ar  the  music  (!) 
outside  the  cafe  in  the  Place  du  Casino,  that  execrable  noise  which 
some  strangers  may  innocently  imagine  is  produced  by  the  Monte 
Carlo  orchestra,  celebrated  throughout  the  world.  It  is  not. 

After  dejeuner  stroll  along  the  Cornice  Road,  towards  Nice,  and 
meet  a  German  tourist,  carrying  a  grey  umbrella.  Did  anyone  ever 
see  a  German  tourist  without  a  grey  umbrella  ?  Ask  him  about  the 
road.  He  speaks  English  excellently.  He  says,  "You  go  on  till 
you  meet  a  public-house."  Thank  him,  and  stroll  on,  admiring  the 
blue  sea  and  the  distant  view,  till  I  meet  the  public-house,  which  is 
inoribed  "  Cafe  Restaurant.  Chambres  et  Salons  Reserves."  No 
doubt  very  much  reserves,  since  they  all  seem  quite  empty.  But  no. 
As  I  approach,  two  persons  come  cut  and  walk  before  me.  The  lady 
is  plun  p,  though  your<g.  As  I  follow  her  I  estimate  that  the  cir- 
cumference of  her  waist  is  about  forty  inches.  Her  dress  is  net 
elegant,  and  she  wears  a  green,  soft  felt  hat.  The  gentleman  also 
wears  a  green  hat,  and  he  carries  a  grey  umbrella.  Possibly  they  are 
Germans.  "  Wie  f  Ja !  Ach  sol  Wo?  Ja,ja,ja!  Achwun- 
derschon  !  Ja,  ja.  fa  !  So  ?  Ja,  ja,  j'a  !  "  There  is  no  longer  any 
doubt.  They  walk  on  arm  in  arm,  and  the  man's  bx>t*  creak  at 
every  step. 

Cannot  possibly  walk  all  the  way  to  Nice  behind  a  man  who  talks 
German  loudly,  who  wears  a  green  hat,  and  whose  boots  creak 
incessantly.  Could  have  tolerated  the  green  hat,  as  it  reminds  me, 
in  form  and  colour,  of  the  hat  of  Noah  in  my  early  childhood,  but 
the  boots  are  beyond  endurance.  Loiter  about  and  let  them  carry 
their  wearer  out  of  hearing. 

By  this  time  there  are  clouds  in  the  sky  and  the  view  is  all  grey — 
sea,  sky,  hills,  trees.  The  only  spots  of  colour  are  the  green  hats  of 
the  Germans,  vanishing  in  the  distance.  It  will  probably  rain  soon. 
There  is  Villefranche  just  down  below.  Will  step  down  in  a  few 
minutes  and  catch  a  train  to  take  me  back  to  Nice  in  time  for  dinner. 
Start  down  gaily.  A  peasant  recommends  a  shoit  cut.  The  usual 
sort  of  short  cut  in  the  Alpes  Maritimes— all  jagged  stones.  The 
cutting  is  chiefly  of  one's  boots.  To  scramble  down  this  takes  longer 
than  walking  along  the  road.  Try  that.  Very  easy  slope.  An 
immense  zigzag.  Begin  to  think  it  will  take  more  than  a  few 
minutes  to  get  down  to  Villefranche.  Hurry  on  a  little.  First  I  go 
half  a  mile  towards  Genoa.  Then  at  last  the  road  turns,  and  I  career 
half  a  mile  towards  Marseilles.  The  only  place  I  never  seem  to 
approach  is  Villefranche.  At  one  time  am  almost  at  Beaulieu,  at 
another  seem  close  to  Nice.  Full  speed  ahead  as  much  as  possible. 
Arrive  at  a  place  where  the  awful  zigzag  divides,  and  forms  two 
zigzags.  The  only  person  in  sight  is  a  peasant  woman  sitting  on  a 
step.  Hope  she  speaks  *ome thing  besides  the  Ni^ois  dialect.  She 
does,  for  she  says,  though  speaking  French  with  difficulty,  "  Faut 
aller  d  la  gauche,"  at  the  same  time  pointing  to  the  right.  "  A 
droite  ou  d  gauche  ?  "  I  ask  wildly.  "  Out,"  she  answers.  No  time 
for  further  talk,  so  choose  the  road,  less  obviously  leading  in  the 
wrong  direction,  and  on  again.  Wish  I  had  walked  to  Nice.  Should 
have  been  nearly  there  now.  At  last  see  Villefranche  station  far 
below.  Then  speed  on  towards  Italy,  back  again,  another  glimpse  of 
station,  apparently  no  nearer,  and  on  towards  Spain.  On  the  return 
journey  perceive  the  train  in  the  distance  down  below,  coming  round 
the  bay.  Start  running,  still  down  zigzags.  Ringing  of  bells, 
shouts,  whistles,  scream  of  a  locomotive.  Rush  breathless  into  station. 

Le  train  est  parti,  monsieur" 


Impatient  Tr  v  Her,  "ER — HOW  LONG  WILL  THK  KEXT  TRA.IN  BE, 

PORTAH  ?  '{ 

Porter.  "HBAW  LONG  ?  WEEL,  SIB,  AH  DTTNNO  HBAW  AH  CON 
SAAY  TO  HATJF  AN  IsCH.  HAPPEN  THERE  *LL  BE  FOWIR  OR  FIVE 
OO-ACHES  AN'  A  ENGINE  OR  SOA." 


THE  GERMAN  EMPEROR  TO  THE  CAMBRIDGE 
UNIVERSITY  BOAT  CLUB. 

(A  copy  of  this  hitherto  unpublished  document  has  come  into  the  possession 
of  Mr.  Punch,  who,  out  of  consideration  for  his  readers,  has  had  it 
literally  translated,  and  now  offers  it  to  the  admiration  of  the  world.) 

MY  DEAB  HEBE  PRESIDENT, — Lately  returned  from  amoit  beau- 
tiful and  nevtr-to-be-forgotten  outflight,  wherein  I  visited  scenes  by 
me  not  to  be  contemplated  without  deep-seated  feeling,  flnd  I  a 
State-paper  from  my  Imperial  Kanzler  (he  is  a  good  fellow,  the 
old  HOIIENLOHE,  but  slow,  and  through  a  brick-wall  he  cannot 
at  all  see)  informing  me  that  orce  more  the  young  men  of  Cam- 
bridge have  a  boatrace  lost.  In  foregone  years,  and  in  this 
year  too,  have  I  sogar  deemed  it  my  duty  to  send  to  Oxford 
my  heartiest  luck-wishes  on  their  successful  stragglings  after  vic- 
tory. Bat,  pot-thousand  again,  what  does  this  mean  that  you  seven 
times  after  one  another  into  the  bushes  let  vourselves  be  stuck  ? 
Thunder- weather !  how  can  you  endure  it  ?  My  Imperial  sympathy 
stretches  itself  to  you.  In  my  Palace  have  I  a  rowing  machine  put 
up,  and  daily  every  mornings,  before  I  myself  sponge  in  my  tub,  row 
I  two  thousand  strokes  at  two  hundred  to  the  minute  on  the  machine. 
That  is  more  than  your  miseralle  thirty-four,  not  true  ?  So  I  have 
overlaid  these  matters  in  my  Imperial  mind  filled  with  goodwill 
towards  you,  and  I  announce  to  you  what  I  will  do.  Next  year  1  will 
imprison  all  my  Editors  for  lese-majeste,  and  for  the  Socialists  will 
I  a  bloodbath  set  out.  Thus  I  will  be  free  of  nuisances  and  will 
come  to  Cambridge  in  January  with  the  EMPRESS  and  the  whole 
family,  not  forgetting  a  monthly  nurse  for  whom  most  comfortable 
rooms  are  to  be  taken  in  your  Boathouse.  I  will  then  coach  you  all 
every  day,  and  sometimes,  surprise-visiting  you  in  the  night,  I  will 
make  you  row  till  Aurora  appears  over  Ihe  Gogmagogish  Mountains. 
I  will  live,  together  with  my  suite  (500  persons),  with  your  Vice- 
Kanzler.  Daily  I  will  conduct  prayers  in  your  University  Church 
where  all  must  attend,  and  will  examine  your  young  men  for  their 
mathematical  knowledge  three  times  in  every  week.  For  the  Cam- 
bridge free-willers  I  will  be  a  General  and  a  Father.  After  this  I 
know  Cambridge  will  win.  Your  gratitude  I  accept. 

WlLHELM  R.   AND  I. 

Post-scriptum. — I  have  a  new  uniform  for  the  University  Crew. 
The  helmets  and  top-boots  that  form  part  c  fit  are  colossally  beautiful. 


APRIL  25,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


193 


INADEQUATE   HOSPITALITY. 

"WELL,  GUY,  DID  YOU  ENJOY  THE  PARTY?" 

"YES,  MUMMY  ;  BUT  I  'M  so  HUNGRY.    THERE  WAS  ONLY  A  xow 

AND  THSti  TEA,   YOU  KNOW  ;  WITH  NO  CHAIRS,    AND  NO  GRACE  ! " 


ROUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

AFTER  TWENTY-TWO  YEAR?, 

AT  Easter  time  as  at  Chmtmas  and  towards  the  end  of  July  there 
are  feast-days  and  revellings  and  high  solemn  occasions  at  the 
various  schools  in  which  the  youth  of  England  faithfully  learns  the 
ingenuous  arts  which,  according  to  Colonel  NEWCOME,  emollunt  mores 
nee  sinuiste  feros.  Easter  is  the  season  specially  let  apart  in  the 
school  calendar  for  the  holding  of  athletic  sports,  and  from  far  and 
near  streams  of  pleased  and  prosperous  parents  flow  towards  the 
school  cricket-field  to  behold  the  efforts  of  their  sons  struggling  for 
supremacy  with  the  cricket- ball,  over  the  hurdles,  in  the  jumps,  and 
in  the  various  other  competitions  appointed  for  the  testing  of  swift- 
ness, strength,  and  endurance.  Thither,  too,  come  the  old  boys, 
some  but  lately  released  from  the  school  fetters,  others  grey-headed 
and  portly,  to  applaud  the  prowess  of  their  young  successors  and  to 
*pend  an  hour  or  two  in  converse  with  old  friends.  Pleasant 
gatherings  are  these  of  men,  parted  by  time  and  circumstance  and 
the  cares  of  life,  who  thus  for  a  biief  space  renew  their  happy  youth, 
fight  the  old  fights  ova-  again,  and  tremble  once  more  as  they  repeat 
the  tale  of  their  peccadilloes,  and  of  the  scrapes  over  which  the 
familiar  birch  cast  its  baleful  but  undeterring  shadow. 

I  BRACED  myself  the  other  day  to  climb  the  Northern  height  where 
my  own  school- days  were  passed.  It  was  the  day  of  the  athletic 
sports,  and  a  sense  of  things  dimly  remembered,  seen  as  through  a 
veil,  came  over  me  as  I  made  my  way  down  the  lane  and  neared  the 
old  gate.  Boys  in  caps  and  flannel  shorts  and  stockings  were  hurry- 
ing along.  They  all  seemed  absurdly  young,  and  there  was  about 
them  a  boniness  (if  the  word  may  be  pardoned)  and  kind  of  angular 
falling  short  of  full  development  which  has,  I  suppose,  always 
marked  the  genus  boy.  Could  it  have  been  that  I,  too,  once  hurried 
as  did  these  eager  competitors ;  was  I  indeed  so  young,  so  bony,  so 
angular,  so  eager;  I  who,  with  sober  air  and  measured  step,  was 
pacing  down  the  lane?  Surely  the  boys  of  my  time  were  older, 
fuller  in  build,  less  prone  to  rush  up  behind  other  boys  and  slap 
them  violently  on  their  backs,  with  the  certainty  that  the  outrageous 


proceeding,  far  from  breeding  resentment,  would  be  treated  as 
an  excellent  joke.  A  group  sped  past  me;  I  caught  a  scrap 
of  their  conversation.  "  So  I  told  him  I  wouldn't  have  any  of  his 
beastly  cheek.  These  small  boys  ought  to  be  jolly  well  spanked." 
The  speaker  was  not  large,  but  he  was  evidently  larger  than 
some  other  boy,  and  that  other  boy  had  cheeked  him.  There  was  a 
familiar  sound  about  the  words,  and  something  in  me  seemed  to 
acknowledge  that  once  in  the  long  ago  I  might  possibly  have  used 
them  myself.  No  doubt  twenty-two  years  are  grande  mortalis  am 
spatium ;  they  bring  their  hateful  and  inevitable  changes,  and  the 
accursed  tailor  may,  perhaps,  have  spoken  the  truth  when  he  hinted, 
a  few  weeks  ago,  that  he  thought  he  would  have  to  allow  an  inch  or 
so  more  round  the  waist.  

OUTSIDE  the  gate,  with  a  table  in  front  of  him,  sat  an  old  gentle- 
man at  the  receipt  of  custom.  "  Admission,  Sir  ?  Sixpence ;  pro- 
gramme, threepence.  Thank  you.  Sir."  Heavens  I  It  was  my  old 
friend  Mr,  ROGEBS,  the  hatter,  from  the  High  Street,  whose  tall 
form  and  brilliant  auburn  beard  had  been  my  boyish  admiration. 
But  now  the  snows  of  twenty-two  years  lay  thick  upon  the  auburn 
though  his  voice  was  still  hearty.  "  It 's  a  long  time  since  we  met, 
Mr.  ROGERS,"  I  ventured  to  say.  "Yes,  Sir,  time  will  keep  going ; 
we  're  both  getting  a  bit  older  than  we  were,"  and  upon  this  somewhat 
pair ful  aphorism  I  passed  into  the  field.  A  grave,  but  kindly- 
looking  gentleman  came  towards  me,  leading  by  the  hand  a  rosy- 
cheeked  little  fellow  of  ten  or  eleven.  He  looked  at  me  in  a 
scrutinising  way  and  paused  as  if  intending  to  address  me. 
Evidently  he  knew  me ;  but  where  had  we  met  P  The  face  of  the 

little  boy  seemed  familiar  enough yes,  of  course,  I  knew  the  little 

boy ;  it  was  HARRY  Ross :  we  were  in  the  same  form,  we  got  flogged 
on  the  same  day,  we  learnt  dancing  together  in  the  holidays,  he 
swore  he  would  marry  my  sister,  in  fact,  wrote  the  vow  down  on  a 
piece  of  paper  and  sealed  it  with  black  sealing-wax,  "  I  sware  that 
when  I  grow  up  and  have  one  hundred  pounds  a  year  of  my  own  I 
will  mary  your  sister  ALICE  :  signed  and  seeled,  HARRY  Ross."  I 
was  about  to  shake  him  warmly  by  the  hand  and  congratulate  him 
on  looking  younger  than  ever  when  I  woke  with  a  start  from  my 
dream  and  realised  that  this  was  HARRY  Ross's  son,  and  that  the 
grave  but  kindly  parent  was  indeed  my  old  friend  HARRY  Ross. 

WE  walked  about  the  field  together  and  managed  to  knit  many 
old  memories  as  we  walked.  In  the  pavilion  a  long  table  groaned 
under  a  gorgeous  array  of  prizes.  Here  were  clocks,  dressing-bags. 
bats,  cups,  toast-racks,  and  even  (with  a  pleasing  anticipation  of 
coming  years  of  freedom)  silver  cigarette-cases — the  trophies  of  the 
victors  in  the  games  then  proceeding. 

"  My  dear  HARRY,"  I  said,  "  do  you  remember  that  race  in  the 
hundred  yards  ?  "  "I  remember  I  beat  you.' '  '  *  Yes,  that '  s  just  it ; 

you  did  beat  me,  but  if  I  hadn't  had  the  cramp "  "  Cramp  be 

blowed ;  I  always  could  run  a  hundred  yards  faster  than  you." 
"  You  couldn't."  "I  could.  I '11  run  you  now." 

But  at  this  proposal  the  younger  HARRY  was  taken  with  to  violent 
a  fit  of  laughter,  that  we  went  no  further  with  it.  Poor  little  boy  I 
of  course  he  couldn't  realise  how  young  we  both  felt  at  an  age  which 
to  him,  no  doubt,  seemed  of  an  unattainable  antiquity.  Still  a  look 
at  the  pavilion  wall  might  have  j  ustifled  him,  for  on  the  board  of  honour 
there  the  names  of  more  than  twenty  School  Elevens  were  painted 
after  the  Eleven  that  contained  his  father's  name  and  mine. 

IN  the  field  the  sports  proceeded  merrily.  Long  boys  flung  them- 
selves into  contortions  over  the  high  jump,  short  boys  toppled  in 
heaps  over  hurdles,  panting  boys  wore  down  opposition,  and  raced 
gallantly  home  in  the  mile ;  and  in  the  School  Handicap  countless 
little  boys,  dotted  about  the  grass  like  stars,  awaited  the  firing  of 
the  pistol,  and  then  sprang  forward  for  the  race.  Need  I  say 
that  all  my  sympathies  went  with  the  diminutive  limit-boy.  He 
struggled  gallantly,  but,  alas  I  he  was  overborne  at  last  by  a 
sturdier  and  bigger  rival,  and  was  forced  to  subside  into  the 
ruck.  Finally  came  the  glorious  presentation  of  the  prizes.  How 
those  boys  cheered  and  shouted  as  the  heroes  of  the  day  stepped 
modestly  forward  to  receive  their  prizes,  how  they  cheered 
(as  though  to  show  there  was  no  trace  of  ill-feeling  left  in 
their  minds)  when  the  head-master  stepped  out  and  congratulated 
the  victors  in  a  few  hearty,  well-chosen  words.  Nor  did  we  omit 
to  praise  and  cheer  "  the  mens  sana  in  cor  pore  sano"  words  not  un- 
known, indeed,  at  school  athletics,  but  true  and  welcome  notwith- 
standing. It  was  a  right  pleasant  day,  and  we  wound  it  up  not 
ingloriously  with  a  dinner  in  the  evening,  a  dinner  for  the  old  boys 
who  had  graced  the  occasion.  Yet,  as  I  stood  on  the  station  platform, 
awaiting  the  last  train,  I  seemed  to  have  had  a  few  years  added  to 
my  tale.  But  another  "  old  boy  "  who  had  come  from  Cambridge,  felt 
no  such  qualms.  He  had  enjoyed  his  dinner,  and  he  was  now  singing 
up  and  down  the  platform.  "  Isn't  it  splendid,  old  fellow,'7  he 
remarked  to  a  friend,  "why,  I've  been  proctorieed  for  much  less 
than  this  at  Cambridge."  Oh,  daring  and  tremendous  old  boy,  the 
melancholy  time  must  come  when  even  proctors  will  cease  to  be  a 
terror. 


voi.  ct. 


194 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  25,  1896. 


THE    ALLIANCE    TRIPLE    TRICYCLE. 

G-rm-n  Emp-r-r  (inflating  Italian  wheel).  "I  THINK  IT  'u,  BUN  A  MTTLS  WHILB  LONGER  NOW 


25,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


195 


A   STUDY    IN   ANATOMY. 

Dealer.  "THERE,  SIK  1    THAT'S  WHAT  I  CALL  A  PICTURE!" 

Prospective  Buyer.  "H'n — YES — HE  DOES  BATHER  SUGGEST  ONE  OF  THOSE  RONTGEN-RAY  PHOTOGRAPHS  1 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

WHAT  shall  the  Baron  say  of  The  Statement  of  Stella  Maberley, 
written  by  "  Herself  "  (an  entirely  new  authoress'  ard  published  by 
FISHER  UN  WIN  ?  It  appears  to  me,  quot'i  its  ^ar^n,  that,  had  not 
this  work  been  "  precursed,"  so  to  put  it  classically  and  not  incor- 
rectly, in  more  tenses  than  one,  by  that  awful  story  of  the  Great 
God  Pan  (a  revival  of  the  legend  of  Le  Succube,  ou  Demon  femelle) 
in  the  Key-note  Series  (when  key-notes  were  at  their  highest  pitch, 
or  lowest,  whichever  it  may  have  been),  it  might  have  attracted  with 
all  the  glamour  of  such  originality  as,  in  the  time  of  BYRON  and 
SHELLEY,  fascinated  the  readers  of  Frankenstein.  The  Statement 
of  Stella  Maberley  shows  undoubted  cleverness,  and  it  is  consistent 
in  its  puzzlement  and  in  its  weird,  real  unreality.  It  might  form  the 
third  cf  a  new  series,  to  be  entitled  "  The  Lunatic  Library,"  of 
which  the  two  first  volumes,  according  to  my  selection,  would  be  The 
Germ  Growers  and  The  Wonderful  Visit. 

Mr.  FISHER  UNWIN  is  a  bold  man,  even  for  a  publisher,  He  has 
invited  the  young  men  and  girls  who  write  books  for  him  to  sit 
down  ard  discourse  a  brat  their  work  and  themselves.  Overcoming 
natural  aid  almost  impassable  diffidence,  they  have  accepted  the 
mission.  The  result  appears  in  a  little  volume,  entitled  Good 
Reading  About  Many  Books,  mostly  by  their  Authors.  The  inno- 
cent little  thing  (price  one  shilling  nett)  is  appropriately  issued  in 
snow-white  cover.  Some  of  the  biographical  details  are  quite 
thrilling.  Here,  for  example,  is  what  Mr.  HAROLD  SPENDER,  author 
of  At  the  Sign  of  the  Guillotine,  says : — 

"  I  come  of  a  family  that  has  now  spilt  ink  in  profusion  for  two  genera- 
tions, and  I  should  not  like  to  say  how  many  reams  of  paper  have  been 
blackened  by  my  relatives  in  their  transit  from  the  paper-mills  to  the  waste- 
paper  basket."  " 

This  graphic  picture  of  Mr.  SPENDER'S  relatives  on  their  way 
from  the  paper-mills  to  the  waste-paper  basket,  apparently  oozing 
black  blood,  beats  the  primest  efforts  of  the  Fat  Boy  in  the  way  of 
making  your  nesh  creep.  The  Good  Reading  is  not  all  qnite  as  good 
as  this.  Bat,  taken  a  little  at  a  time,  it  is  charming. 

In  The  Cloud  of  Witness,  the  Oxford  University  Press  has  turned 
out  a  sumptuous  book  worthy  their  high  renown.  It  is  in  every 
way  luxurious,  though  happily  not  after  the  fashioa  of  the  ordinary 
editions  de  luxe,  with  which  the  casual  reader  most  conveniently 
wrestles  prone  on  the  drawing-room  floor.  As  a  work  of  the 


printers'  and  bookbinders'  art,  it  is  so  distractingly  charming  that 
my  Baronite  almost  forgot  to  read  it.  This  omission  corrected,  its 
contents,  compiled  by  Mrs.  LYTTLETON  GELL,  are  found  to  be  w>rthy 
of  their  unique  mode  of  presentation.  Mrs.  GELL  has  culled  the 
poesy  garden  of  the  poets,  and  deftly  arranges  her  bouquets  in  daily 
sequence  following  the  Christian  seasons.  Some  clear,  high  note  is 
struck  for  every  day. 

One  of  the  Baron's  Deputy-Assistants  has  been  sampling  Mrs. 
HELEN  BLACK'S  Pen,  Pencil,  Baton,  and  Mask  with  satisfactory 
results, 
sevent1 

the  sul_, , 

graplies  are  capital  blends  of  black  and  white;  the  authoress's 
name  supplies  the  first,  and  her  good-nature  the  second.  "  doite  a 
book,"  concludes  the  Deputy-Assistant,  "  to  read  for  pleasure  for  a 
week,  and  to  keep  for  reference  for  a  century." 


"THE  BEAUTIFUL,  BOUNCING  BUDGET." 
(Opinions  oftht  Crowd.) 

The  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer.  Caused  by  a  most  remarkable 
year  of  prosperity. 

Sir  William  Harcourt.  Entirely  in  accord  with  his  predecessor's 
suggestion. 

An  Admiral.  Should  do  wonders  for  the  Navy. 

A  General.  Should  keep  up  the  Army  to  its  proper  strength. 

A  Schoolmaster.  Will  afford  desirable  sustenance  to  many  deserv- 
ing scholastic  establishments. 

An  Agriculturist.  Will  very  likely  be  of  some  assistance  to  the 
British  farmer. 

An  Imperialist.  Will  enhance  the  credit  of  the  greatest  nation 
upon  the  earth's  surface  to  a  limitless  extent. 

A  Patriot.  Will  carry  the  British  Flag  in  a  blaze  of  triumph  from 
pole  to  pole. 

A  Foreign  Critic.  Proves  that  JOHN  BULL  was  never  so  wealthy. 

A  Man  in  the  Street.  Yes,  but  Income  Tax  at  eightpence  in  the 
pound !  Oh  lor  I  

CHANGE  OF  NAME.  —  Detective  BURRELL,  the  young  detective 
officer  who  "unearthed"  the  whereabouts  of  Messrs.  FOWLER  and 
MILSOM  at  Bath,  should  be  known  as  "  Detective  BURROW." 


196 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  25,  1896. 


JOTTINGS    AND   TITTLINGS. 

(BY  BABOO  HUKRT  BTTNGSHO  JABBERJEB,  B.A.) 

No.  XI. 
Mr.  Jabberjee  finds  himself  in  a  position  of  extreme  delicacy. 

IT  is  an  indubitable  fact  that  the  discovery  of  steam  is  the  most 
marvellous  invention  of  the  century.  For  had  it  been  predicted 
beforehand  that  innumerable  millions  of  human  beings  would  be 
transported  with  security  at  a  headlong  speed  for  hundreds  of  miles 
along  a  ferruginous  track,  the  most  temporary  deviation  from  which 
would  produce  the  inevitable  cataclysm  and  awful  smash,  1he 
majority  would  have  expressed  their  candid  opinion  of  such  rhodo- 
montade  by  cocking  the  contemptuous  snook  of  incredulity. 

And  yet  it  is  now  the  highly 
accomplished  fact  and  matter  of 
course  I 

Still,  I  shall  venture  to  express 
the  opinion  that  the  pleasura- 
bility  of  such  railway  journeys  is 
largely  dependent  upon  the  per- 
son who  may  be  our  travelling 
companion,  and  that  some  of  the 
companies  are  not  quite  careful 
enough  in  the  exclusion  of  unde- 
sirable fellow  -  passengers.  In 
proof  of  which  I  now  beg  to  sub- 
mit an  exemplary  instance  from 
personal  experience. 

I  was  recently  the  payer  of  a 
ceremonial  visit  to  a  friend  of  my 
boyhood,  namely,  BABOO  CHTTCE:- 
EBBTTTTT  RAM,  with  whom,  find- 
ing him  at  home  in  his  lodging  s 
in  a  distant  suburb,  I  did  hold 
politely  affectionate  intercourse, 
lor  the  space  of  two  hours,  and 
then  departed,  as  I  had  come,  by 
train,  and  the  sole  occupant  of  a 
Fecond-  class  dual  compartment 
divided  by  a  low  partition. 

At  the  next  station  the  adi'oin- 
ing  compartment  was  suddenly 
invaded  by  a  portly  female  of  the 
matronly  type,  with  a  rubicund 
countenance  and  a  Innnet  in  a 
dismantled  and  lopsided  condi- 
tion, who  was  bundled  through 
the  doorway  by  the  impetuosity 
of  a  porter,  and  occupied  a  seat 
in  immediate  opposition  to  myself. 

When  the  train  resumed  its 
motion,  I  observed  that  she  was 
contemplating  me  with  a  beaming 
simper  of  indescribable  suavity, 
and,  though  she  was  of  an*un- 
ornamental  exterior  and  many 
years  my  superior,  I  constrained 
myself  from  motives  of  merest 
politeness  to  do  some  simpering 
in  return,  since  only  a  churlish 
would  grudge  such  an  economical 
and  inexpensive  civility. 

But  whether  she  was  of  an  un- 


"  A  beaming  simper  of  indescribable  suavity." 


usually  ardent  temperament,  or  whether,  against  my  volition,  I  had 
invested  my  simper  with  an  irresistible  winsomeness.  I  cannot  tell ; 
but  she  fell  to  making  nods  and  becks  and  wreathed  smiles  which 
reduced  me  to  crimson  sheepishness,  and  the  necessity  of  looking 
earnestly  out  of  window  at  vacancy. 

At  this  she  entreated  me  passionately  not  to  be  unkind,  inviting 
me  to  cross  to  the  next  compartment  and  seat  myself  by  her  side ; 
but  I  did  nill  this  invitation  politely,  urging  that  Company's  bye- 
laws  countermanded  the  placing  of  boots  upon  the  seat- cushions, 
and  my  utter  inability  to  pose  as  a  Romeo  to  scale  the  barrier. 

"Whereupon,  to  my  lively  horror  and  amazement,  she  did  exclaim, 
"  Then  I  will  come  to  you,  darling  I  "  and  commenced  to  scramble 
precipitately  towards  me  over  the  partition  I 

At  which  I  was  in  the  blue  funk,  perceiving  the  arcanum  of  her 
design  to  embrace  me,  and  resolved  to  leave  no  stone  unturned  for 
the  preservation  of  my  bacon.  So,  at  the  moment  ehe  made  the 
entrance  into  my  compartment,  I  did  simultaneously  hop  the  twig 
into  the  next,  and  she  followed  in  pursuit,  and  I  once  more  achieved 
the  return  with  inconceivable  agility. 

Then,  as  we  were  both,  like  Hamlet,  fat  and  short  cf  breath,  I 
addressed  her  gaspingly  across  the  barrier,  assuring  her  that  it  was 


as  if  to  milk  the  ram  to  set  her  bonnet  at  a  poor  young  native  chap 
who  regarded  her  with  nothing  but  platonical  esteem,  and  advising 
her  to  sit  down  for  the  recovery  of  her  wind. 

But  alack  I  this  speech  only  operated  to  inspire  her  with  the 
spret(B  injuria  formce,  and  flourishing  a  large  stalwart  umbrella,  she 
exclaimed  that  she  would  teach  me  how  to  insult  a  lady. 

After  that  she  came  floundering  once  again  over  the  partition, 
and,  guarding  my  loins,  I  leapt  into  the  next  compartment,  seeing 
the  affair  had  become  a  satire  quipeut,  and  devil  take  the  hindmost ; 
and  at  the  nick  of  time,  when  she  was  about  to  descend  like  a  wolf 
on  a  fold,  I  most  fortunately  perceived  a  bell-handle  provided  for 
such  pressing  emergencies,  and  rung  it  with  such  unparalleled 
energy,  that  the  train  immediately  became  stationary. 

Then,  as  my  female  persecutre* s  alighted  on  the  floor  of  the  com- 
partment in  the  limp  condition  of  a  collapse,  I  stepped  across  to  my 

original  seat,  and  endeavoured  to 
look  as  if  with  withers  unwrung. 
Presently  the  Guard  appeared, 
and  what  followed  I  can  best 
render  in  the  dramatical  form  of 
a  dialogue : — 

The  Guard  (addressing  the 
Eldfrly  Female,  who  is  sitting 
smiling  tcith  vacuity  beneath  the 
bell-pull).  So  it  is  you  who  have 
sounded  the  alarm!  What  is  it 
all  about  ? 

The  Elderly  Female  (withwarm 
indignaii'tn).  Me  ?    1  never  did  [ 
I  am  too  much  of  the  lady.    It 
was  that  young  coloured  gentle- 
man in  the  next  compartment. 
\_At  which  the  tip  of  my  note 
goes  down  with  apprehensive- 
nes<t. 

The  Guard.  Indeed!  A  likely 
story !  How  could  the  gentleman 
ring  this  bell  from  where  he  is  P 
Mytelf  (with  mental  presence}. 
Wtli  siid,  Mister  GUAHD!  The 
thing  is  not  humanly  possible. 
Rem  acu  tetigisti! 

The  Guard.  I  do  not  under- 
stand Indian,  Sir.  If  you  have 
any iliing  to  say  about  this  affair, 
yon  had  better  say  it. 

Myself  (combining  discretion 
with  magnanimous  ness}.  As  a 
chivalrous,  I  must  decline  to 
bring  any  accusation  against  a 
member  of  the  weaker  sex,  and 
my  tongue  is  hermetically  sealed. 
The  Eld.  F.  It  was  him  who 
rang  the  alarm,  and  not  me.  He 
was  in  this  compartment,  and  I 
in  that. 

The  Guard.  What?  have  you 
been  pliying  at  Hide-and-seek 
together,  then  ?  But  if  your 
story  is  watertight,  he  must  have 
rung  the  bell  in  a  state  of  abject 
bodily  terror,  owing  to  jour 
chivying  him  about ! 

The  Eld.  F.   It  is  false  I    I 
have   been  well   educated,   and 
I  merely  wanted  to  kiss  him. 


belong  to  an  excellent  family. 

The  Guard.  I  see  what  is  your  complaint.  You  have  been  imbibing 
the  drop  too  much,  and  will  hear  of  this  from  the  Company.  I  must 
trouble  you,  Mam,  for  your  correct  name  and  address. 

Myself  (after  he  had  obtained  this,  and  was  departing).  Mister 
Guard,  I  do  most  earnestly  entreat  you  not  to  abandon  me  to  the 
mercies  of  this  female  woman.  I  am  not  a  proficient  in  physical 
courage,  and  have  no  desire  to  test  the  correctness  of  Poet  POPE'S 
assertion,  that  Hell  does  not  possess  the  fury  of  a  scorned  woman.  I 
request  to  be  conducted  into  a  better-populated  compartment. 

The  Guard  (with  complimentary  jocosity).  Ah.  such  young  good- 
looking  chaps  as  you  ought  to  go  about  in  a  veil.  Come  with  me, 
and  I ']!  put  you  into  a  smoker-carriage.  You  won't  be  run  alter 
there  I 

So  the  incident  was  closed,  and  I  did  greatly  compliment  myself 
upon  the  sagacity  and  coolness  of  head  with  which  I  extricated 
myself  from  my  pretty  kettle  of  fish.  For  to  have  denounced  myself 
as  the  real  alarmist  would  have  rendered  the  affair  more,  rather  than 
less,  discreditable  to  my  feminine  companion,  and  I  should  have  been 
arraigned  before  the  solemn  bar  of  a  police-court  magistrate,  who 
might  even',have  made  a  Star  Chamber  matter  of  the  incident. 


APRIL  25,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


197 


All  is  well  that  is  well  over,  but  when  you  have  been  once  bitten, 
you  become  doubly  bashful.  Consequently,  this  humble  self  will 
take  take  care  that  he  does  not  on  any  subsequent  occasion  travel 
alone  in  a  railway  compartment  with  a  female  woman. 


THAT  GAME  OP  GOLF. 
No.  II. 

WELL,  there  we  were,  POFFLES,  SLOGTJM,  and  myself.  POFFLES 
went  off  first,  but  the  ball  didn't  seem  to  me  to  go  as  far  as  POFFLES 
meant  it  to,  judging  by  the  energy  he  _put  into  it.  It  couldn't 
have  travelled  more  than  twenty  yards  in  all.  SLOGUM  said  that 
POFFLES  "  sliced"  it,  and  one  01  my  caddies  said  he  "topped"  it, 
and  SLOGTJM' s  that  he  "pulled"  it,  and  a  gentleman  we  didn't 
know  came  up  and  aid  that  POFFLES  "  toed "  it  a  bit  and  didn't 
"  play  it  through"  We  argued  this  for  a  quarter  of  an  hour,  and 
then  POFFLES  got  sulky,  and  said  he  hadn't  come  there  to  be  talked 
to  by  a  lot  of  "foozelers,"  and  that  he  knew  what  he  had  done,  and 
had  done  it  on  purpose  to  get  a  "  good  lie."  I  thought  this  was  "  a 
gord  lie,"  but  I  didn't  lay  so. 

Then  SLOGTJIU:  went  on,  and  his  ball  went  much  farther  than 
POFFLES'  ball,  but  it  made  a  funny  sort  of  curve  round  to  the  right, 
and  landed  in  a  bush.  After  that  it  was  my  turn.  I  wanted  to  play 
with  that  "niblick,"  but  POFFLES  and  the  gentleman  we  didn't  know 
wouldn't  let  me.  They  said  it  wasn't  the  game.  So  I  took  the 
"  mid-spoon  bulger  driver,"  and  let  fly  at  the  ball  for  all  I  was 
worth. 

POFFLES  gasped  when  he  saw  me  let  out  at  that  ball,  and  the 
caddie  nearest  me  said  "Strike  me,"  under  his  breath,  and  another 
caddie  said  ' '  S'elp  me."  Then  we  looked  to  see  where  the  ball  would 
come  down,  but  it  didn't  come  down,  I  said  I  must  have  driven  it 
into  the  river,  and  felt  proud,  and  POFFLES  said  it  nuiat  have  got 
fixed  up  one  of  the  trees,  and  the  gentleman  we  didn't  know  said  it 
was  most  curious.  We  were  just  going  to  put  down  another  ball, 
when  one  of  my  caddies  who  was  making  the  "  tee  "  suddenly  gave 
a  "guffaw,"  and  digging  down  into  the  ground  about  six  inches 
produced  the  ball.  There  it  was  safe  enough,  deep  in  the  earth 
below  the  tee,  and  we  had  another  argument  to  explain  how  it  got 
there.  POFFLES  said  I  was  too  near  the  ball,  and  SLOGUM  said  I 
"pressed  too  much,"  and  the  gentleman  we  didn't  know  said  he 
thought  I  "took  my  eye  off  the  ball."  We  couldn't  settle  it  any 
way,  so  I  drove  off  again,  and  this  time  I  did  hit  it,  and  to  every- 
body's surprise  (though  it  was  what  they  called  a  short  hole)  it  landed 
on  the  green,  just  over  the  "bunker,"  as  they  said,  "in  one."  (J 
didn't  know  what  a  bunker  was,  but  I  wasn't  going  to  say  so.) 

Then  we  went  and  looked  at  SLOG  CM' s  ball,  which  had  stuck  in  the 
middle  of  a  big  bush,  full  of  thorns  and  things.  POFFLES  said 
SLOGUM  must  "play  it  out,"  according  to  Rule  29,  which  says,  a 
ball  is  to  be  played  "  wherever  it  lies."  SLOGTJM,  however,  said  that, 
according  to Rule  18,  when  a  ball  is  covered  with  "fog, bent  whins," 
&c.,  as  much  shall  be  set  aside  as  will  give  the  player  "  a  view  of  his 
ball,"  and  he  hadn't  any  view  of  that  ball  at  all  when  he  was  in  a 
position  to  strike,  so  the  bush  ought  to  be  "set  aside."  Then 
POFFLES'  caddie  said,  according  to  Rule  12,  a  player  must  not  "  move, 
bend,  or  break  anything,  fixed  or  growing,  near  the  ball,  except  in 
placing  his  feet  on  the  ground  to  address  the  ball,"  and  the  gentle- 
man we  didn't  know  said  that  the  bush  was  a  "hazard,"  and 
according  to  Rule  14,  nothing  must  be  touched  or  moved  before  the 
player  strikes  the  ball  when  it  lies  in  a  hazard.  Then  SLOGTTM  got 
savage  and  said  he  would  lie  down  under  the  bush  and  "  scrape  it 
out,"  but  POFFLES  said  that  was  against  Rule  4,  which  says,  you 
mustn't  "  push,  scrape,  or  spoon  a  ball."  Sj  SLOGTJM  had  to  play  it 
out  after  all,  and  a  glorious  time  he  had  with  that  bush,  whilst  we 
sat  round  and  encouraged  him,  POFFLES  particularly  advising  him  to 
"  go  right  in  and  hit  it." 

After  that,  POFFLES  and  SLOGTJM  got  on  the  green  somehow,  and 
one  of  the  caddiea  offered  me  a  "  putter."  SLOGTTM  said  I  must 
"put"  the  ball  down  next,  and  I  wanted  to  "put"  it  with  that 
niblick,  but  they  wouldn't  let  me,  so  I  had  to  use  the  putter  and 
I  got  the  ball  quite  near  the  hole,  and  SLOGTJM,  who  "  putted  "  next, 
knocked  my  ball  in  and  one  of  the  caddies  said  it  was  "  bogey," 
though  I  couldn't  see  what  "  bogies"  had  to  do  with  it  any  way. 
Then  POFFLES  said  he  was  down  in  twenty-seven,  and  SLOGTJM  said  he 
wasn't,  and  they  argued  that  ten  minutes,  and  the  caddies  all  argued 
too.  While  they  were  arguing,  there  was  a  funny  man  behind  me 
shouting  "four"  at  the  top  of  his  voice,  and  I  wondered  what  was  the 
matter  with  him.  I  reckoned,  from  the  way  he  was  going  on,  that  he 
felt  really  bad,  so  I  sat  down  on  the  grass  to  watch  him.  As  I  did  BO 
he  seemed  to  be  taken  much  worse,  for  he  jumped  round,  and  screamed, 
and  waved  his  club  in  a  way  that  was  simply  frantic.  Then  on  the 
other  side  of  him  there  was  another  man  who  suddenly  seemed 
taken  in  the  same  way,  as  he  also  commenced  to  dance  round  and 
yell  "  four,"  too.  I  thought  they  might  be  playing  "  nap"  or  some- 
thing, or  that  they  had  both  been  drinking,  and  wondered  why  they 
were  not  turned  out.  Jubt  as  I  turned  round,  however,  to  ask 


POFFLES  (who  was  still  arguing)  about  it,  something  caught  me  in 
the  back  like  a  bullet,  and  I  sat  down  on  the  grass  again  and  used 
language  that  must  have  been  painful  to  listen  to.  Then  those 
two  lunatics  who  had  been  shouting  "  Four"  came  up  and  asked  me 
why  the  "blank  blank"  I  didn't  take  my  "blank  blank  blank 
anatomy  "  out  of  the  way  when  I  saw  them  coming  up,  and  POFFLIS, 
who  was  already  as  mad  as  he  could  be,  asked  them  what  the  "  blank 
blank  "  they  meant  by  playing  on  people  when  they  were  still  on  the 
green,  and  SLOGTJM  said  they  ought  to  know  better,  and  then  the 
lunatics  said  they  weren't  going  to  wait  our  "  blank  blank  '  pleasure 
all  the  "  blank  "  day  while  we  argued  on  the  green,  and  then  two  of 
the  caddies  began  to  fight,  and  f  was  getting  my  niblick  ready  for 
one  of  those  idiots  when  the  gentleman  we  didn't  know  came  up  and 
implored  us  to  be  calm,  and  not  to  disgrace  the  precincts  with  an 
undignified  dispute.  So  we  parted  the  two  caddies,  and  SLOGTJM 
said  we  had  better  let  the  other  party  pass  us ;  and  so  we  waited  till 
they  had  gone,  and  how  we  played  on,  and  what  we  did,  I  will  reserve 
for  my  third  and  last. 

LONG  AGO  LEGENDS. 

YE  FFUNNIE  MAN  AND  YB  BEGGAR  MAN. 

ONCE  was  a  ffunnie  man  whose  custome  it  was  toe  make  offe  hande 
ryddles,  jokes,  quipes  and  crankes  in  ye  banqueting  hall,  devysyng 
them  wythe  moche  care  and  laboure  before  hande.  One  daye  whyle 
out  a  walkynge  he  dyde  make  up  a  ryddle  he  dyde  thynke  ryght 

goode,  when  he 
came  npone  a 
stalwarts  beggar 
man  a  restyng 
hymselfe  under 
y  shade  of  a 
dede  wall. 

"Ffryende," 
sayd  he,  "I  have 
made  a  ryddle 
whych  I  woulde 
teste  on  thee. 
Now,  if  ye  can 
guess  it  in  one 
houre,  I  will  pre- 
lente  y  wythe  a 
groat."  And  he 
slapped  hys  well 
fillet  pouohe  and 

Sulled  out  hys 
yal.  Then  he 
asked  ye  beggar 
man  ye  ryddle, 
whych  y e  Chroni- 
clere  forgetteth, 
but  it  will  be 
ffounde  wythe 
otheres  in  Mug- 
gy n't  Sake  of 
Merrie  Jettes. 

And  >e  beggar  man  knyte  hjs  browes,  and  stampd,  and  banged  hys 
head  untyl  one  my  nut  e  of  y  tyme,  but  to  no  avayle,  when  ha  cryed, 
"  What  a  ffoole  am  1 1"  "  Not  so,"  sayd  j e  ffunnie  man,  a  smylynge ; 
"  rather  what  a  olevere  man  am  I  to  puzzle  you  so."  "  I  mean  not 
that,"  sayd  y e  beggar  man ;  "  but  here  have  I  been  a  cudglynge  my 
pate  one  houre  ffor  a  groate,  when  I  myght  have  had  ye  groate  and 
lykewyse  your  pouche  and  dyal  in  no  tyme  by  symplye  cudglynge 
yours  wythe  this  grett  jagged  staffe.  Hande  overe  I " 
Ye  ffunnie  man,  who  felt  no  longere  soe,  complyd  ryght  quyoklye. 


"The  Best  Costume  for  Lady  Bicyclists." 
(Dedicated  to  "  The  Woman  at  Home,"  by  an  old  Curmudgeon.) 

IF  woman  of  her  wheeling  brags, 
And  flaunts  upon  the  trbiking  "  track, 

Let  her  not  only  don  the  "  bags  "  ; 
Give  her,  at  once,  the  "  sack." 


THE  rooks  that  inhabit  the  Isle  of  Man  have  got  themselves  sen- 
outly  disliked.  A  deputation,  representative  of  the  Manx  farming 
in'erett,  waited  upon  the  Agricultural  Society's  President  and 
"lodged  a  complaint"  against  them.  It  was  pointed  out,  says  the 
Liverpool  Courier,  that  the  depredations  had  reached  extensive  pro- 
portions, "  farmers  having  lost  half,  and  even  two-thirds,  of  their 
crops."  But  how  can  birds  be  expected  to  do  without  "  crop? "  ? 

EPITAPH  FOB  A  RAILWAY  DrBEcroB.— "  His  life  was  spent  on 
pleasant  lines." 


193 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  25,  1896. 


NOT   SO    HEARTLESS    AS    IT   SEEMS. 

She.  "  HRBB  is  A  STAMP  FOB  YOUB  LUTTEB  ;  YOU  OAK  REPAY  UK  WHEN  YOU  COME  BACK 
FROM  LONDON  THIS  EVENING." 

Be.  "AND  SUPPOSE  I  'M  KILLED  IN  A  RAILWAY  ACCIDENT." 
She.  "On,  WELL — THE  LOSS  WOULDN'T  BK  VBBY  GREAT  1" 


COMMON  OR  GARDEN  RHYMES. 

I.— A  PLEA  FOB  THE  WALL-FLOWER. 

PLAIN,  unpretending,  homely,  shy, 

It  clings  against  the  wall, 
A  bloesom  there  are  few  to  spy, 

To  gather  none  at  all. 
The  wall-flower,  only  eyed  afar, 

Poor  foolish  man  supposes 
Less  lovely  than  the  lilies  are, 

Less  fragrant  than  the  rotes. 

To  pluck  the  flowers  that  seem  more  fair 

The  crowd  in  blindness  hastes, 
Its  sweetness  on  the  desert  air 

The  lonely  wall -flower  wastes : 
And  yet  its  heauty  being  concealed 

From  casual  passing  glances 
Its  worth  to  whom  it  is  revealed 

A  hundred  fold  enhances. 


I  know  a  garden  fa'r  and  blight, 

With  wealth  of  blossom  blest. 
Where  man  may  choose  for  his  delight 

The  flower  he  loves  the  best ; 
And,  though  the  lily,  violet, 

And  rose  within  it  all  flower, 
He  (ft  might  choose  without  regret 

To  win  and  wear  a  wall-flower ! 


Poetry  on  a  Pewter. 

(From  Sir  Wilfrid's  Point  of  ftw.) 

BEEE  is  a  compound  so  adulterate  grown, 

As  to  be  hated  needs  but  to  be  known. 

Bat    foully    foaming,    at    the    pint -rot's 

brink, 
Men  first   distrust,  then  dilly  with,  then 

DRINK! 


POLICEMAN  X  JUNIOR  ON  SCIENCE  IN 
THE  FORCE. 

["  The  scientific  burglar  must  be  met,  or  better, 
perhaps,  followed,  by  the  ultra-scientific  police- 
man."— Daily  Telegraph.] 

"  Mr  name,"  too,  is  "  Pleaceman  X,"  jest  like 
him  sung  of  old  by  THACKERAY, 

And  I  don't  know  as  my  brains,  or  bull's-eye, 
burns  with  slower,  slacker  ray ; 

But  I  own  it  gives  me  beans,  and  seems  a 
prospek  most  'orriiie, 

This  here  talk  about  a  Bobby  being  "  ultra- 
sky  entific." 

I  can  spell  a  trifle  better,  I  emagine,  than  did 
him, 

Wioh  his  notions  about  grammar  were,  I  think, 
a  little  dim,  ["  X  ray,'' 

Bat  if  our  hezaminations  is  to  be  on  that 

And  on  similar  mistries,  we  shall  'ave  to 
strike  for  'igher  pay. 

Ultra-skyentifio  Bobby  may  sound  grand,  but 

in  a  tussle 
With  BILL  STKES  -the  new  or  old  one— give 

me  common  sense  and  muscle, 
A  steel  saw  drove  by  petroleum,  wot  then 

there  French  burglars  used 
For  to  crack  the  money-changer's  safe,  shows 

science  much  abused. 

Stillsomcver  if  you  arm  us  Bobbies   with 

ingenious  fakes 
From  the  Royal  Hinstitution,  it  may  turn 

out  no  great  shakes. 
"Open  up  a  vista"?  Ah  I  Bat  wot  if  "hap- 

pyratus"  jib, 
And  Bobby's  arm  git  out  of  gear  whilst  BILL 

is  " opening  up"  a  crib  ? 

The  "New  Burglary,"  no  doubt,  like  the 
"New  Woman,"  is  a  bore ; 

Bat  the  "New  Bobby,"  made  to  horder, 
might,  perchance,  prove  no  great  score. 

Portable  batteries,  instead  of  fists  and  trun- 
cheons, may  sound  prime ; 

Bat  /should  fidge  about  their  busting  in  my 
pocket  arf  the  time. 

Even  revolvers  we  ain't  nuts  on,  pistols  is 

oontrairy  things ; 
And  new  skyentifio  fakes,  all   tabes,   and 

sparks,  and  screws,  and  springs, 
Would  give   me   1he   ditherums — straight ! 

Look  at  them  tubes  of  squoze-up  gas— 
Hoxygin,   ain't  it?— If  they  bast,   you're 

just  blowed  up  like  BALAAM'S  ass  I 

I  don't  wait  galvanic  shocks  about  me  packed 
in  brass  or  steel. 

If  I  got  'em  wrong  <nd  uppards,  and  w^nt 
pop,  'ow  should  I  te»  1  ? 

Wouldn't  BILL  the  Burglar  bust  —  with 
larfter— at  Policeman  X 

Parylised  by 'is  pjcket-battery?  Sech  new- 
fangled notions  wex ! 

If  these  "RONTGEN  Rays"  enible  him  to 
look  through  doors  and  shutters, 

Likewise  walls  and  burglars'  bags,  crib- 
crackers  at  their  little  flutters, 

P  r'aps,  might  f  onk  it.  But  suppose  they  're 
also  fly  to  the  new  game  ? 

Skyenoe  against  skyence  set  might  leave  the 
hupshot  much  the  same. 

Wot  you  want  to  match  a  burglar  after  all 
gents,  is  a  Man  I  [skyentific  plan , 

And  the  Perlioe  Force  horganised  on  this  new 

With  their  pockets  full  o'  batteries,  and  the 
new  (Pleaceman)  "X  ray" 

Up  their  sleeves,  might  look  himposing,  but 
I  've  doubts  if  it  would  pay  I 


SOUNDS  LIKE  IT. — When  one  goes  to  pay  a 
bill  at  the  Horseferry  Road  Gas  Office,  why 
will  it  be  a  saving  of  time  to  buy  your  cocoa 
for  breakfast  there  ?— Because  that  company 
advertises  as  "Tne  Gas  Light  and  Coke  Co." 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— APRIL  25,  1896. 


ONE  AT  A  TIME." 


IKATE  IBISH  BILL.  "  SHURE  I  'VE  BEEN  WAITIN'  A  DIVIL  OF  A  TIME    " 

HAIBDBESSER  (MB.  A.  J.  B-LF-K-«an<%).   "BEG  PARDON,  SIR,— THIS  GENTLEMAN  FIRST!" 

EDUCATION  BILL  (rather  nervous).   "  NOT  TOO  MUCH  OFF,  PLEASE  I  " 


APRIL  25,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


201 


WONDERS  ON  WHEELS. 

(By  an  Old  Beginner.) 

WONDEB  if  my  doctor  was 
right  in  ordering  me  to  take 
this  sort  of  exercise. 

Wonder  whether  I  look  very 
absurd  while  accepting:  the  as- 
sistance of  an  attendant  who 
walks  by  my  tide  and  keeps  me 
from  falling  by  clutches  at  my 
waistbelt. 

Wonder  whether  it  would 
have  been  hotter  to  go  to  Hyde 
Park  instead  of  Battersea. 

Wonder  whether  the  police- 
man, the  postman,  the  nurse 
with  the  perambulator,  the 
young  lady  reading  the  novel, 
and  the  deck  passengers  on  the 
passing  steamboat  are  langhing 
at  me. 

Winder  whether  I  shall  keep 
on  now  that  my  attendant  has 
let  so. 

Wonder  whether  the  leading 
wheel  will  keep  straight  on  until 
we  have  passed  that  lamp-post. 

Wonder  whether  the  mxt 
spill  I  have  will  be  less  painful 
than  the  last. 

Wonder  why  mats  are  not 
laid  down  by  the  County  Council 
in  the  roads  for  the  comfoit  oi 
falling  cyclists. 

Wonder  why  the  cycle  sud- 
denly doubled  up  and  landed 
me  in  the  gutter. 

Wonder  whether  the  pretty 
girl  in  the  hat,  whose  face  is 
hidden  by  a  novel,  smiled  at  my 
misadventure. 

Wonder  whether  the  person 
who  has  just  come  to  grief  over 
yonder  is  u»ing  good  language 
or  words  of  an  inferior  quality. 

Wonder  whether  my  a'ten- 
dant  is  right  in  urging  me  to 
remount  and  have  another  try. 


THE   TURN    COMPLIMENTARY. 

She.  "On,  FBFD,  MY  HEAD  DOES  ACHE  so  TO-DAY!" 

He.  "  LUCKY!' 

She.  "LrcKYl    OH,  HOW  BRUTAL  OF  YOU!     WHAT  DO  YOU  MEAN?" 

He.  "SHOWS  YOU  'va  GOT  A  HRAD.    So  F*W  Wo  HUN  HAVE  NOWADAYS  I ' 


Wonder  whether  I  lock  well 
wobbling. 

Wonder  whether  the  elderly 
spinster  with  the  anxious  manner 
and  air  of  determination  is  really 
enjoying  herself. 

Wonder  whether,  when  I  have 
completed  my  first  hour,  I  shall 
want  another. 

Wonder  whether  the  imp  of  a 
boy  will  run  with  me. 

Wonder  whether  my  second 
fall  in  five  minutes  beats  the 
record. 

Wonder,  considering  the  diffi- 
culty of  progressing  half  a  dozen 
paces  in  as  many  minutes,  how 
those  marvellous  feats  are  per- 
formed at  Olympia. 

Wonder  if  I  shall  ever  ad- 
vance upon  my  present  rate  of 
speed,  i.e.,  three-quarters  of  a 
mile  an  hour. 

Wonder,  finally,  if  the  pla- 
cards warning  cyclists  in  Bat- 
tersea Park  against  the  dangers 
of  "furious  riding"  can  pos- 
sibly be  posted  for  my  edifi- 
cation. 


"Off  Colour." 

"Zs  life  worth  living?"  poor 

NABCISSA  cried, 
Finding   youth's   gold -tints 

from  her  tresses  flving. 
Gravely  the  jet-lock'd  LALAGE 

replied, 
(Placing  a  mystic  bottle  at  her 

tide,) 
"  Not  without  dyeing  I" 


AB-SIEDAK  NEWS  FBOM  THE 
SOUDAW. — There  is  no  truth  in 
the  report  that  Sir  H.  KITCH- 
ENER will  attack  the  Derrishes 
with  a  batterie  de  cuisine. 


JOURNALISM  MADE  EASY. 

(Advice  to  Novices.) 

HEBE  are  a  few  paragraphs,  which,  like  brown  paper  and  string, 
will  always  "come  in  useful." 

(1)  "The  Exhibition  this  year  at  the  Royal  Academy  will  be  ex- 
ceptionally brilliant  it  is  said  by  those  who  have  been  privileged  to 
inspect  the  studios  of  (mention  names  of  President  and  leading 
R.  A.'s  and  A.  It.  -4.'s),  and  most  of  those  exponents  of  the  beau- 
ties of  the  brush  \tho  are  not  yet  included  within  the  Academic 
fold  have   very   promising   canvases   in   preparation.     We  need 
scarcely  say  that  we  allude  to  Messrs,  (names  of  likely  exhibitors). 
The  Academy  Banquet  will  be  attended  by  an  unusual  number  of 
Royal  and  other  celebrities,  including  (give  some  certain  guests)." 

Mem. — A  graceful  allusion  to  the  style  of  the  P.R.A.  may  be 
made,  but  when  dealing  with  a  versatile  genius  avoid  facts.  Be 
careful  to  ascertain  that  the  Academy  Banquet  will  be  held.  Never 
give  an  unknown  artist  a  lift.  It  will  only  make  him  more  conceited 
than  he  is. 

(2)  "  The  supplyof  coal  from  Durham,  Northumberland,  the  Mid- 
lands, and  South  Wales  still  continues  undiminished,  but  in  view  of 
the  large  order  given  the  other  day  by  the  (Russian,  French,  Ger- 
man, any  nationality  will  do)  Government,  we  would  urge  that  some 
limit  should  be  placed  upon  the  exportation  of  that  combustible, 
which  is  as  invaluable  to  the  householder  as  it  is  to  the  battle-  ship. 
Perhaps  Mr.  (name  of  badgering  patriot)  or  Mr.  (name  ofw)uld-be 
Minister)  will  raise  this  important  question  in  the  House. 

Mem. — It  is  not  absolutely  necessary  that  any  coal  should  have 
been  ordered.  If  disposed  to  be  friendly  to  the  Prime  Minister, 
admit  that  the  matter  is  safe  in  his  hands.  If  faoetiouslv  inclined— 
this  is  dangerous,  however — suggest  that  a  coal-owning  M.P.  should 
raise  the  question. 

(3)  "Tuis  is  Midsummer  Day.  and  never  has  the  Clerk  of  the 
Weather  given  us  greater  proof  oi  his  versatility.    It  is  many  a  long 
year  since  he  supplied  his  anxious  clients  with  such  a  spell  of  (sun- 


shine, rain,  brightness,  or  dullness).  It  has  be  in  observed  that 
Eaglandhas  no  fixed  climate,  and  certainly  facts  go  to  prove  the 
assertion.  Scientists  may  disagree  as  to  the  cause,  but  in  this  year 
of  grace  that  long-suffering  man  the  British  Farmer  has  no  reason 
(or  '  abundant  reason ')  to  complain  of  the  meteorological  phases. 
Recent  reports  made  to  the  Board  of  Agriculture  give  a  correct  idea 
of  the  present  (flourishing  or  deplorable)  condition  of  the  country." 

Mem.— It  the  weather  be  satisfactory,  offer  congratulations  to  the 
British  Farmer;  if  otherwise,  assure  him  of  your  condolence.  A 
very  slight  referenca  to  the  advantages  of  Light  Railways  might 
now  and  then  be  made. 

(4)  "  It  would  be  manifestly  unfair  to  divulge  any  details  of  the 
new  (play,  drama,  tragedy,  comedy,  comic  opera,  burlesque)  which 
will  b3  produced  to-morrow  night  at  the  (state  name)  theatre,  but  this 
much  we  may  say  after  witnessing  the  dress  rehearsal,  that  no  pains 
have  been  spared  by  the  management  to  insure  success.  All  London 
will  anxiously  await  the  verdict  of  the  first-night  audience.  Misses 
(throw  in  names  of  leading  actresses)  and  Messrs,  (supply  names  of 
actors)  ought  not  to  complain  of  their  opportunities.  The  scenery, 
by  (name  again),  is  most  realistic,  and  the  dresses,  by  (name  once 
more),  are  truly  magnificent." 

Mem.— In  the  case  of  a  "star"  actor  or  actress,  provide  a  sub- 
stantial halo  in  advance,  and  suggest  enormous  booking  for  seats. 
Be  careful  of  praising  the  piece  beforehand  lest  it  should  turn  out  a 
failure. 

To  the  Blue  Primrose  in  Kew  Gardens. 

You  once  were  yellow,  fairest  flower, 
How  came  you  by  this  stranger  hue  r 

Is  it  because  a  robber  shower 
Brought  down  some  drops  of  cloudless  blue  r 

But  oh  I  beware  the  unforeseen, 

For  blue  and  yellow  give  us  green. 
The  Green 's  a  common  sight  at  Kew  I 


202 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  25,  1896. 


Yowng  Bride.  "Do  YOU  LBT  YOUR  HUSBAUD  HAVE  A  LATCH-KKY,  MES.  JONXS?" 
Mrs.  Jones.  "  No,  MY  DEAR  ;  IT  WOULD  BE  USE  uses.     I  QIVS  IT  TO  THE  MILKMAN 


TRUE  BLUE. 

(Mr.  Punch  welcometh  Peace  Portents  from 
Philadelphia  ) 


lit  is  said  (by  the  Dai'y  Telegraph} 
delphia  physician,  after  long  personal  i 


thataPbi'a- 
experiments, 

has  diti-overed,  in  his  own  veins,  the  real,  genuine, 
and  inimitable  "blue-blood  corpuscle."  It  is 
hoped  that  this  corpuscle— only  one  has  as  yet 
been  identified—  will  be  carefully  nourished.  .  .  . 
In  this  way  the  "  blue-blood "  will  be  gradually 
extended  throughout  America.] 

IN KiNiiE  azure  I    Prospect  sweet  I 
America  hath  mind  and  muscle ; 

But  JONATHAN  will  be  bai  to  beat 
Now  he  hath  found  that  blue  corpuscle. 

Of  blcod  that  'a  red  much  hath  baen  shed, 
Although  than  water  it  be  thicker ; 

But  could  we  tight  with  veins  full  led 
By  true  blue  ichor  ? 

Forbid  it  heaven,— and  dear  DEBBETT  I 

Forbid  it  Philadelphia  sawbones  I 
Can  blue -blood  kin  at  odds  be  set 

By  MONBOE  or  by  Jingo  jawbones  P 
Nay  I    CLEVELAND,   SALISBUBY,   all    the 

crew, 

Surely  won't  make  two  nations  tustle, 
Whilst  in  their  veins  both  bear  the  true 
"  Blue-blood  corpuscle"  I 


It  cannot  be  I    From  sea  to  saa 
Our  poor  old  world  will  feel  a  thiver 

Should  Uncle  SAM  and  old  J.  B. 
Fight,  with  a  blue  (not  a  whitt)  liver. 

The  very  notion  might  amaze 
Satan  himself,  in  mood  sardonioal, 

Saare  CLEVIH.ND,  and  still  further  craze 
The  Daily  Chronicle. 

Only  one  blue  corpuscle  found  P 
That's   sad!    Bat   do   that   one    drop 

nourish  I 

From  Philadelphia  all  around 
'Twill  spread,  and  peace  and  joy  shall 

nourish ! 
Just  fancy  dear  Columbia's  cry. 

Just  picture  px>r  JOHN  BULL'S  condition 
If  you  should  let  that  blue  drop  die 
01  inanition ! 

Columbia,  Punch  espies  a  chance 
That 's  better  e'en  than  arbitration  ; 

It  makes  his  blue  corpuscles  dance 
With  extra  azure  animation, 

Punch  ever  was  your  faithful  friend, 
He  ever  spake  kind  word  for  you,  dea*, 

S  j  let  this  true  blue  tie  extend 
Till  all  is  blue,  dear  I 


RESULT  OF  THE  MUZZLING  OBDEB. — The 
Cur-few  Knell. 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

THE  EASTER  LAMENT  OF  A  MARRIED 
TRAVELLER. 

I  'VE  no  wish  for  a  holiday  now.    No  I  not  I, 

But  I  'm  forced  nolens  volens  to  roam. 
To  some  horrible  sea  resort  I  must  hie, 

When  I  'm  looking  for  comfort  at  home. 
Here  it  is!  where  the  beach  boasts  no  bathing- 
machine, 

Where  the  wind  cuts  me  through  like  a 

knife, 
Where  the  trees  have  an  ever  funereal  green— 

And  I  do  it  because  of  my'wil'e. 

It  is  she  who  reminds  me  that  Easter  days 

bring 

A  revival  of  honeymoon  joys ; 
And  she  talks  about  birds  that  must  sing  in 

the  Spring, 

When  the  seagulls  are  raucous  with  noise. 
So  I  have  to  put  up  with  the  smell  of  new 

paint, 

With  the  waiters,  who  can't  understand ; 
And  I  bear  with  the  air  of  an  up-to-date  saint 
All  the  strains  of  an  out-of-tune  band. 

There 's  the  table  d'hote  -oh !  how  I  loathe  the 
repast, 

With  its  dishes  of  dubious  taste ;         [oast 
Where  the  'ABETS  their  "h's"  unfeelingly 

Without  reokirg  of  aspirate  waste. 
Where 'ABBIETS  flock  and  complacently  chew, 

Garbed  in  gowns  of  iniquitous  style. 
It's  a  kind  of  a  feeding-time  sight  at  the 
"Zoo," 

But  I  bear  it,  for  her,  with  a  smile. 

I  have  travelled  afar  both  by  land  and  by  sea, 

And  have  wandered  in  many  a  clime, 
But  I  never  have  felt  such  a  longing  to  be 

Safely  back,  as  at  this  Easter  time. 
'Neath  an  African  tun,  in  the  snowy  Wild 
West 

I  've  not  thought  of  a  civilized  life ; 
And  to-day,  how  I  yearn  for  a  hiven  of  rest  1 

Yet  a  martj  r,  I  'fl  not  tell  my  wife  I 


SIMPLE  AS  SMOKE! 

DEAB  MB.  PUNCH,— I  have  disooyered  the 
modus  operandi  of  becoming  a  millionaire. 
It  is  no  visionary  scheme,  but  one  lased  on 
solid  facts  and  figure 3.  If  you  refer  to  Sir 
MICHAEL  HICKS-BEACH'S  ttatement,  yon  will 
find  that  the  right  hon.  gentleman,  -while 
being  a  non  smcker,  protests  (to  quote  the 
Times)  ''against  the  wastefulness  of  a  prac- 
tice involving  the  throwing  away  of  one 
million  sterling  a  year  iu  cigar  and  cigarette 
ends  I  "  And  no  doubt  there  are  other  sources 
of  loss  in  other  directions.  What  are  done 
with  the  omnibus  tickets  when  they  have 
been  <  xamined  ?  What  becomes  of  th»  crumbs 
that  fall  Irom  luncheon  biscuits  ?  Who  col- 
lects the  dropp  d  i  ins  P  Who  utilises  the 
discarded  steel  p>ns?  Bat  t>  return  to  the 
cigar  and  cigarette  ends.  Anyone  we  see, 
with  their  assistance,  can  become  at  once  a 
millionaire.  All  he  will  have  to  do  is— to 
collect  them  !  Yours,  obediently, 

A  PfllLANTHBOPIST  IN  FlGUBES. 

Pipe  Place,  Tobacco. 


Jenner-aLCriticism  on  Gloucester. 

GBEAT  FOOLLE  and  NOODLE  once  evolved] 
A  campaign  against  all  vaccination  ; 

Their  tactical  problem  now  is  solved 
By  General  Extermination. 


8HAKSPEABE  FOB  TAMMANT. 

Now  is  the  winter  of  our  discontent 
Made  glorious  summer  by  this  "Big  New 
York." 


APRIL  25,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


203 


APAKE,  OLD  WINE,] 

OLD  crusted  port,  Sir,  is  the  stuff 

To  make  yon  wise  and  merry, 
For  he  would  be  an  awful  dufl- 

-er  who  selected  sherry. 
Maderia  if  made  cheaper  would 

Be  certainly  worth  trying ; 
Your  Rhenish  wines  I  never  should 

Consider  worth  the  buying. ' 

Now  Burgundy,  I  will  admit, 

Is  worthy  oi  attention, 
Tho'  connoisseurs  have  made  of  it 

The  beaune  of  much  contention. 
Good  claret  it  is  hard  to  find, 

Unless  you  're  an  importer ; 
Vin  ordinaire  is,  to  my  mind, 

Like  vinegar  and  water. 

But  here 's  a  picture,  caked  in  dust, 

Now  steady,  do  not  shake  it, 
There 's  an  aroma  I  there 's  a  crust  I 

T  would  he  a  crime  to  break  it ; 
A  wine  like  this,  you  little  thought 

To  pour  into  your  throttle, 
No  finer  vintage  can  be  bought— 

At  one-and-three  the  bottle. 

Then  up  arose  the  guest  to  post 

A  most  important  letter. 
Thought  he,  "  Such  rare,  old  wine,  good) 
host, 

The  rarer  'tis,  the  better  I " 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  PROM  THB  DIARY  OP  TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  April  13  — 
GEOBGE  WYNDHAM  made  to-night  what, 
though  not  the  best  speech  he  has  delivered 
since  he  fat  for  Dover,  was  certainly  the  most 
immediately  effective.  All  his  speeches  are 
full  of  matter,  admirably  phrased,  and  with 
the  making  of  a  good  delivery.  But  his  more 
elaborate  efforts  have  not  succeeded  in  catch- 
ing ear  of  Houee.  For  one  thing  they  have 
been  too  elaborate,  too  lengthy,  lacking  in 
spontaneity.  Moreover,  by  malign  ill  fortune 
they  have  always  chanced  to  be  essayed  at 
unfortunate  periods  of  a  sitting,  either  ia 
dinner-hour  or  towards  close  of  debate  already 
wearisomely  long.  On  one  occasion  in  last 
Parliament,  having  come  down  prepared  with 
speech  that  was  to  blow  up  Ministry  with 
dynamite  force,  matters  took  a  sudden  turn 
that,  in  interests  of  Opposition,  called  for 
suppression  of  the  speech. 

That  not  the  only  disappointment  of  a  still 
young  life.  WYNDHAM  served  his  party  sedu- 
lously and  effectively  when  in  Opposition. 


A  THORNY  SUBJECT! 
Sir  John  Gh>rg(e)t  in  blossom. 


"WHBBB  DID  TEE  SPBND  YBB  'OLIDAYS,  BOB?"       "Sou*  o'  FBABSCE,  o'  COURSE!" 


His  intimate  personal  relations  with  PBINCE 
ARTHUR,  with  whom  he  worked  as  unpaid 
Private  Secretary,  seemed  to  point  him  out  for 
Ministerial  office.  Weighing  in  the  balance 
bis  claims,  capability,  and  suitability,  against 
those  of  Mr.  JESSE  COLLINGS  and  Mr.  POWELL 
WILLIAMS  for  example,  PBIBCE  ABTHUR  with 
Spartan  inflexibility  was  bound  to  admit  that 
his  brilliant  young  friend  was  quite  oat  of  it. 
So  WTNDHAM  wtnded  his  way  across  what  is 
not  always  the  Styx  of  the  Gangway,  and, 
in  the  clearer  atmosphere  that  broods  over 
that  part  of  House,  perceives  that  whatever 
PBINCE  AKTHTTR  and  his  colleagues  in  the 
Ministry  do  is  not  always  right. 

To-mjtht,  a  jtropos  de  bottes,  and  talking 
of  morning  sittings  on  Tuesdays,  he  said  so, 
to  immense  delight  of  gentlemen  opposite, 
who  would  not  have  listened  to  him  had  he 
risen,  as  he  might  have  done  a  year  ago,  to 


demonstrate  the  inevitable  ness  and  real  bene- 
ficence of  the  arrangement. 

"  A  delicate  and  difficult  part  to  play,  that 
of  below-the-Gangway-candid-friend,  says 
the  veteran  SARK.  "  Looks  so  easy ;  has  in 
several  instances,  more  especially  to  be  four  d 
on  Front  Opposition  Bench,  proved  succetsf  ul, 
that  anyone  thinks  he  can  do  it.  AsSiLOMio 
has  discovered,  it's  harder  than  it  looks. 
Requires  certain  supreme  qualities  quite  dis- 
tinct from  glibness  of  speech.  GBANDOLPH 
had  these ;  so  has  DBTJMM OND  WOLFF  ;  so  has 
JOHN  OF  GOBST  ;  and^  so,  of  course,  though 
they  were  not  primarily  developed  below  tne 
Gangway,  has  PRINCE  ARTHUR.  An  earlier 
generation  displayed  them  in  the  person  of 
the  SQUTBE  or  MALWOOD  and  his  sometime 
brother  freelance,  now  Lord  JAMES  OF  HEKE- 
FOHD.  Later  came  DON  JOSE  starting  from 
the  same  point.  The  Gangway  is  literally  a 


204 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  25,  1896. 


"  Never  BO  astonished  in  all  my  life!" 
(Sir  W.  H-ldsw-rth.) 


bridge,  crossing  which  some  men  hasten  by  years  the  natural  trend 
of  their  footsteps  towards  the  Treasury  Bench.  But  it  is  a  narrow 
slip,  an  unrailed  plank,  bridging  a  gulf  of  permanent  obscurity  and 
deathless  disappointment." 

Business  done. — Another  Irish  Land  Bill  brought  in. 
Tuesday. — "  Never    BO    astonis^pd  in   all   my  life ! "    said   Sir 
WILLIAM  HOULDSWORTH,  Bart.,  M.P.,  of  Coodham,  the  Carlton  and 
the  Constitutional. 

Only  the  o'her  day  THE  BART,  was  in  board-room  of  London  and 

North- Western  Railway.  Ques- 
tion under  discussion  the  carrying 
through  Commons  of  Bill  autho- 
rising widening  of  section  of  line 
between  Chester  and  Holyhead. 

' '  You  leave  it  to  me,  dear  boys," 
said  THE  BART.,  hitching  up  his 
coat-tails  and  standing  in  fa- 
vourite attitude  before  board- 
room fire.  "  I  '11  see  the  thing 
through.  Not  anything  by  way 
of  oratory  in.  the  House,  you 
know."  (Lord  STALBRIDGE,  Lord 
RATHMORB,  Lord  LOCH,  T.  H. 
TSM  AY.  and  other  directors :  ' '  Yes ! 
Yes!")  "No,  dear  boys,"  said 
THE  BART.,  drawing  an  inch 
nearer  the  fire  and  shaking  his 
head.  "I  know  exactly  what  I 
can  do.  I'm  not  a  GLADSTONE; 
never  was  a  BRIGHT  ;  bat  I  know 
all  the  ropes  of  the  House,  and 
if  there 's  a  man  in  it  can  get  a 
private  Bill  through,  his  name 
is  WILLIAM  HENRY  HOULDS- 
WORTH." 

Bill  came  on  at  morning  sitting 
to-day.  THE  BART.,  suffusing  neighbourhood  of  corner  seat  above 
Gangway  with  air  of  benignant  prosperity  and  calicoe-at-paying 
prices,  moved  second  reading.  Expected  it  to  pass  this  stage  straight 
away,  any  objection  occurring  to  presnmotious  men  being  deployed 
in  Committee.  Unfortunately  for  THE  BART,  Irish  Members  just 
brought  over  in  large  numbers  for  Land  Bill.  Nothing  to  do  this 
afternoon.  Thought  they  'd  have  a  lark  with  London  and  North- 
Western  Railway.  The  Company  refute  to  attach  third-class 
carriages  to  mail  trains.  Irish  Member  crossing  and  re-crossing  to 
attend  Parliamentary  du'.its,  bang  goes  a  five-pound  note. 

North- Western  want  to 
run  a  little  Bill  through 
the  House,  do  they?  Irish 
Members  block  the  line. 
FIELD  in  great  form. 
Has  put  on  clean  shirt- 
front;  lavished  an  extra 
penn'orth  of  hair -oil  on 
his  ambrosial  locks ;  out 
another  button  off  his 
waistcoat,  so  that  it  may 
fold  an  inch  lower  down ; 
thrusts  a  cambric  pocket- 
handkerchief  inhis  manly 
bosom ;  and  in  voice  of 
thunder  declares  it  "  ab- 
surd, in  the  middle  of 
the  nineteenth  century," 
that  there  should  be  no 
third-class  carriages  on 
the  limited  mail.  >  -^  £ 

TIM  HEALY  in  most 
truculent  m^od.  Others 
chime  in ;  Welsh  Mem- 
bers lend  a  hand.  To 
inexperienced  eye  thicgs 
look:  serious.  THE  BART 
unmoved. 

"  Leave 'em  to  me,"  hre 
murmured.  "I'll  settle 
'em." 

So  he  moved  closure. 
Rode  on  the  whirlwind, 
and  directed  the  itorm  through  three  divisions.  Been  a  hard  fight, 
but  had  got  the  second  reading  of  Bill.  Whilst  mopping  forehead, 
and  thinking  proudly  what  they'd  say  in  the  board-room,  he  ob- 
s»  rved  LLOYD-GEORGE  on  his  feet.  His  interposition  nothing  to  him. 
Had  got  his  Bill  read  second  time ;  might  now  rest  from  his  labours. 
*  Startled  by  hearing  his  name.  LLOYD-GEORGE  was  moving  that 
his  vote  be  disallowed,  seeing  that  he  was  pecuniarily  interested  in 


The  Old  Man  of  the— Land.  "  We  ain't  doon 
so  badly  aout  o'  yon  Boodget — me,  an'  t'maas- 
ter,  an*  t'paarson ! " 


Question  submitted  to  House!  THE  BART  gasped  for  breath.  No 
iokethis;  meant  seriously ;  SPEAKER,  appealed  to,  ruled  motion  in 
order;  commotion  on  all  the  benches;  PRINCE  ARTHUR  hurriedly 
sent  for  ;  TIM  HEALY  seconded  amendment  in  voice  trembling  with 
indignation  ai  he  contemplated  "  hon.  Members,  going  out  into 
livuion  lobby,  rnbbing  shoulders  with  interested  persons."  Calls 
for  The  BART.  He  rises  a  very  different  person  from  successful 
?eneral  of  only  ten  minutes  ago.  Would  hardly  be  recognised  in 
Euston  Square.  If  there  was  a  fire  in  the  room,  would  no  more 
ihink  of  standing  with  his  back  to  it  than  he  would  of  getting  into 
ihe  SPEAKER'S  chair. 

Admitted  his  directorship,  but  pathetically  pleaded  that  his 
ecuniary  interest  in  the  company  was  very  small.  This  said, 
IPEAKER  direct  d  him  to  withdraw.  Forth  he  went  like  whipped 

schoolboy,  JOHN  WILLIAM  (MAC  - 
LURE)  dropping  silent  tear  of 
sympathy  as  he  remembered  how 
he,  too,  had  once  suffered  in 
bimilar  circumstances. 

"What  a  world  it  is  I"  JOHN 
WILLIAM  said,  his  voice  choked 
with  emotion  and  dry  therry. 
"  Here  to-day  and  gone  to- 
morrow! Yes,  waiter,  give  me 
another." 

Business  done.  —  Sir  WILLIAM 
HOULDSWORTH,  Bart.,  gets  into 
a  sad  mess. 

Thursday.— SQUIRE  OF  MAL- 
WOOD  thought  he  had  done  pretty 
well  leaving  his  successor  in 
Downing  Street  little  legacy  of 
six  millions  and  a  half  to  set 
new  Government  up  in  life.  A 
little  taken  aback  to-night  to  hear 
himself  reproved  by  HICKS- 
BEACH.  "  The  trinmph  of  a 
Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer," 
taid  that  high  authority,  "  is 
when  the  exchequer  receipts  agree 
with  his  estimates."  "  Instead,  of 
which,"  as  the  judge  said,  SQUIRE 
had  so  seriously  under-estimated 
his  receipts,  that  there  was  a 
balance  to  the  good  of  a  trifle  over 
four  millions  even  after  the  store 
had  been  heavily  looted  for  sup- 
plementary estimates. 

At  this  recollection  MICHAEL'S 
mood  melted.  Didn't  want  to 
pain  the  right  hon.  gentleman; 
was  even  grateful  to  him.  Never- 
theless, bound  to  point  out  that 
the  tide  had  turned  in  June, 
which,  by  strange  coincidence, 
was  the  very  month  that  saw  defeat  of  Liberal  Government,  and 
preceded  the  dawn  of  Conservative  supremacy.  Up  to  that  epoch 
revenue  had  actually  fallen  off.  Following  on  it,  income  had 
advanced  by  leaps  and  bounds.  During  existence  of  Liberal  Govern- 
ment, well-to-do  people  from  whose  estate  dropped  fatness  in  the 
shape  of  Death  Duties,  declined  to  die.  Once  the  Conservatives  in, 
millionaires,  chaniing  nunc  dimittist  departed  in  groups,  swelling 
the  revenues  accordingly. 

"Providence,  as  usual,  on  the  side  of  the  big  battalions,"  said 
the  SQUIRE,  repressing  a  sob.  Business  done. — Budget  brought  in. 

Friday.  —  Lament  sometimes  made  that  palmy  days  of  Irish 
membership  are  no  more.  New  times,  new  men,  new  manners.  One 
rare  flash  from  below  Gangway  bids  us  hope.  Mr.  MURNAGHAN— 
melodiously  murmurous  name— on  his  legs  discussing  private  Bill. 
Proposed  to  step  aside  and  say  a  few  words  on  the  0/ange  controversy. 
SPEAKER  gently  pointed  out  that  that  was  a  topic  scarcely  cognate  to 
matter  formally  before  the  House. 

"  I  obey  your  ruling.  Mr.  SPEAKER,"  said  Mr.  MUHNAGHAN,  with 

fine  rich  brogue,  "  and  I  will  just  reiterate  what  I  was  going  to  say." 

For  the  exquisite  workmanship  of  unpremeditated  art  the  record  of 

Sir  BOYLE  ROCHE,  apocryphal  end  real,  contains  nothing  to  beat  this. 

Business  done. — Irish  vote  s  in  Commit1e3  of  Supply. 


"Here  to-day  and  gone  to-morrow!" 
("J-hnW-ll-m"M-cl-re.) 


Tip  for  Teachers. 

'Ti8  one  of  Popular  Education's  dolmrs 

That  Board  Schools  badly  rultd  lead  to  bored  scholars ! 

Where  genial  wisdom  checks  the  prig's  vagary, 

And  love  looks  after  little  BOB  Or  MARY, 

Scholars,  as  well  as  echcols,  aie  voluntary. 


MAY  2,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


205 


11' 


DOGS    AS    "TIGERS." 

(The  very  latest  innovation  in  smart  Cycling  circles.) 
N.B.  —  The  Dog  not  only  lends  brilliance  to  equipage  by  his  liveried  presence, 


, 
but  guards  the  machine,  in  the  absence  of  his  master  or  mistress,  against  that 


ubiquitous  miscreant,  the  cycle  thief. 


niblick,  so  they  went  off  and  played  cards  under  a  tree.  POFFLE 
had  got  into  another  ditch,  as  far  as  I  could  see,  and  SLOGUJ 
was  showing  him  how  to  "loft "  a  ball  out  of  six  inches  of  mud 

Well,  while  I  was  practising  with  the  niblick,  I  found  a 
beautiful  new  ball  which  I  picked  up  and  put  in  my  pocket 
and  not  far  off  there  was  another  one,  which  I  also  picked  up 
and  looked  round  to  see  if  there  were  any  more.    Presently  ai 
old  gentleman  comes  up.  with  a  flaming  red  face  and  his  eye 
starting  out  of  his  head,  and  stutters  out,  "  What  the  blank 
blank  do  you  mean  by  picking  up  my  ball?"    So  I  said  i 
wasn't  bis  ball,  and  that  I  had/ownrf  it.    That  seemed  to  mak. 
him  worse,  and  he  got  so  mad  that  he  couldn't  speak,  am 
another  man  behind  him  came  up  and  said  I  had  better  "pu 
the  balls  down  and  get  off  the  green,"  or  he  'd  break  my  hea< 
first  and  report  me  to  the  committee  afterwards.    Then  I  go 
angry,  and  was  just  telling  them  what  I  thought  of  them,  when 
POFFLES  and  SLOGTJM  came  up,  and  said  I  was  a  fool  and  took 
the  balls  away  and  gave  them  to  the  old  gentleman ;  but  even 
that  didn't  satisfy  him,  as  he  kept  turning  back  and  swearing 
at  us  at  intervals  as  he  went  away,  and  muttering  something 
about  losing  a  medal  through  a  darned  jackanapes  who  didn'' 
know  a  golf  ball  from  a  mushroom.    The  other  man  appearec 
to  be  trying  to  console  him  with  some  remarks  about  "  Dormi< 
4,"  and  the  "rub  of  the  green,"  but  what  he  was  driving  at  1 
don't  know,  as  the  green  didn't  seem  to  me  to  be  rubbed  any- 
where, and  if  it  was  I  hadn't  done  it.    In  fact  I  couldn't  see 
what  was  the  matter  at  all,  and  POFFLES  and  SLOGTJM  talked  so 
fast  and  made  such  a  noise  that  I  couldn't  hear  what  they  said, 
so  I  said  I  should  go  home,  as  it  seemed  to  me  a  silly  sort  oJ 
game,  in  spite  of  the  niblick,  and  I  was  fairly  mad  too. 

We  agreed  to  play  one  more  hole,  however,  and  the  drive  was 
over  a  large  pond.  POFFLES  drove  first,  and  got  beautifully 
into  the  middle  of  the  pond,  and  SLOGTJM  did  the  same  thing. 
Then  POFFLES  said  they  would  both  drive  again ;  which  they 
did,  and  they  pat  two  more  balls  into  the  pond,  and  then  two 
more  after  that.  I  began  to  think  the  hole  must  be  in  the 
pond  somewhere,  but  I  wasn't  sure.  Then  POFFLES  said  he 
cauld  get  the  balls  out  if  SLOGTJM  would  help  him ;  and  they 
both  got  into  a  kind  of  punt,  and  floated  out,  and  POFFLIS 
scraped  about  after  the  balls,  while  SLOGTJM  steered  the  punt. 
Then,  just  as  POFFLES  was  reaching  after  a  ball,  he  lost  his 
balance,  and  clutched  at  SLOGTJM,  and  they  both  went  wallop 
into  the  p  and  together,  and  fought  each  other  in  the  water.  I 
didn't  know  if  this  was  part  of  the  game,  but  the  caddies  and 
I  enjoyed  it  thoroughly ;  and  then  we  hauled  them  out,  and 
they  were  a  sight  for  the  gods. 

After  this  we  went  back  to  the  kit-cat  room,  and  changed, 
and  had  dinner.  POFFLES  and  SLOGTJM  were  quite  pleased  with 


THAT  GAME  OF  GOLF. 
No.  ill. 

WELL,  the  row  being  over,  and  the  objectionable  parties  gone,  we 
continued,  that  is,  POFFLES,  SLOGTJM,  and  myself.  All  more  or  less 
ruffled,  as  you  may  imagine  if  you  remember  the  scene  I  described  in 
the  previous  number.  We  managed  to  get  through  the  next  four  holes 
somehow  without  coming  to  blows,  although  it  was  wonderful  what  a 
number  of  strokes  it  required.  I  saw  POFFLES  slogging  away  in  one 
place  for  about  a  quarter  of  an  hour,  swearing  all  the  time ;  it  was  a 
sort  of  ditch,  with  stones  in  it,  and  he  drove  every  mortal  thing  out 
of  that  ditch  except  his  ball,  including  about  a  cart-load  of  earth. 
[  couldn't  think  why  he  should  choose  that  ditch  to  play  in. 

SLOGTJM  was  not  much  better ;  and  as  for  my  ball,  it  went  on  in 
the  most  extraordinary  way.  Sometimes  it  went  round  to  the  left, 
md  sometimes  to  the  right ;  but  mostly  it  stayed  where  it  was,  or 
topped  a  yard  or  two.  One  of  my  caddies  said  I  ought  to  "  take  a 
bit  of  the  turf  with  it,"  and  the  other  said  I  played  "  too  much  of  a 
cricket  stroke  "  ;  and  a  man  who  was  looking  on  said  he  thought  I 
didn't  hit  hard  enough,  and  smiled.  Sometimes  I  got  a  bit  mad 
irith  it,  and  then  I  always  used  the  niblick,  and  that  generally 
fetched  it  along  together  with  some  square  feet  of  turf  and  a  shovelful 
of  mud  and  stones. 

POFFLES  and  8L9GUM  argued  all  the  time,  but  /couldn't  under- 
stand what  they  said.  SLOGTJM  said  he  didn't  like  POFFLES'  "style  " 
at  all;  that  he  hadn't  any  "swing"  to  speak  of,  and  didn't  "go 
through  with  it "  ;  and  POFFLES  said  that  it  was  better  to  have  his 
style  than  to  have  none  at  all,  like  SLOGTJM  ;  and  then  SLOGTJM.  got 
riled,  and  whenever  POFFLES  got  in  a  bad  place,  which  he  did  mostly 
all  the  time,  SLOGTJM  would  go  and  watch  him,  and  offer  him  sarcastic 
advice. 

While  they  were  slanging  each  other  I  got  into  more  trouble,  too. 
[  didn  t  know  exactly  where  the  next  hole  w'as,  and  it  didn't  seem  to  me 
•o  matter  much,  so  I  just  played  about  on  the  best  grass  I  could  find. 
My  caddies  got  tired  of  offering  me  different  clubs,  as  I  stuck  to  my 

VOL.  ox.  5 


themselves,  and  talked  so  much  about  their  strokes,  that  I  came 
to  the  conclusion  I  had  missed  some  extraordinary  play  by  not 
watching  them  closely  enough ;  but,  though  I  had  not  covered 
myself  with  glory  in  the  same  way,  yet  I  felt  I  had  spent  quite  a 
lively  afternoon,  and  it  would  be  a  long  time  before  I  forgot  that 
game  of  Golf. 

AFTER  THE  PLAY  WAS  OVER. 

SCENE— Smoking-room  in  the  Parthenon.    PBESENT— The 
customary  habitues. 

Novtce  (country  member).  What  do  you  think  of  Mr. 
ARTHUE  JONES'S  new  piece,  The  Rogue's  Comedy  ? 

Old  Playgoer  (member  of  twenty  years'  standing).  It  recalled 
to  me  many  pleasant  memories. 

Young  Playgner  (just  elected).  Speak  for  yourself.  The  character 
of  Mr.  Bailey  Prothero  was  quite  new. 

Old  Playgoer.  To  you,  my  dear  lad ;  but  you  never  saw  GOT  as 
Mercadet  and  CHABiEr  MATHEWS  in  the  Game  of  Speculation. 

Young  Playgoer.  But  surely  the  sudden  rise  to  fortune  of  the 
Rogue,  and  the  as  sudden  fall,  were  quite  original  ? 

Old  Playgoer.  So  you  imagine  in  your  inexperieace. 

Young  Playgoer.  And  the  notion  of  making  Bailey  Prothero  spare 
his  son  the  knowledge  of  his  disgraceful  past  was  fresh  ? 

Old  Playgoer.  Not  entirely,  because  Madame  de  Fontaine  was 
equally  reticent  to  her  son  in  Long  Ago,  and  Odette  was  as  kind  to 
her  daughter  in  the  play  to  which  she  gave  the  title. 

Young  Playgoer.  And  surely  Mr.  Robert  Gushing,  as  the  con- 
federate and  sneak,  was  a  novel  creation  ? 

Old  Playgoer.  Would  have  been  had  not  Robert  Macaire  intro- 
duced Jacques  Strop. 

Young  Playgoer.  But,  come,  the  piece  was  interesting  ? 

OldPlayg-er.  Certainly.    Oh  yes.    Certainly. 

Novice.  Then  if  you  agree  upon  that  point  you  will  accompany  me 
to  the  Rogue's  Comedy  at  the  Garrick  ? 

Both  Playgoers  (hurriedly).  Thanks;  but  we  have  seen-  it 
once  I  [  Curtain. 


206 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  2,  1896. 


4*»<riU, 


"STRATFORD    ON   WASHINGTON." 

Punch  (to  Shakspeare).  "SiF,  HOW  LIKE  YOU  THIS  LBTTEK?"         ShaJcspeare.  "  THB  PEESIDKNI  FBOTESTS  TOO  MUCH  METHINKS  I" 


MAY  2,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


207 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

THE  ROMANTIC  GUARDSMAN  TO  A[  DIVINITY 
AT  HAWTHORN  HILL. 

Os  Hawthorn  Hill  we  meet  to-day, 

And  pio-nio  'mid  the  springtide  sheen, 
Where  dainty  promises  of  May 

Are  given  by  the  April  green ; 
Where  dame  and  damsel  deck  the  stand, 

And  blossom-girt  the  paddock  grace ; 
They  love  the  luncheon  and  the  band, 

And  lamblike  gamble  on  each  race. 

From  near  and  far,  on  pleasure  bent, 

They  've  flock'd  to  see  the  equine  strife, 
And  so  to  Berkshire  fields  is  lent 

A  pasting  thrill  of  London  life. 
This  is  the  morning  of  the  year  I 

The  starting  of  a  new  campaign] 
And  Coldstream,  Soot,  and  Grenadier 

Bring  sunshine  with  a  deal  of  rein ! 

And.  you,  the  fairest  maid  of  all, 
Make  music  with  your  merry  tones  1 

You  laugh  to  see  the  riderj  fall, 
And  never  think  of  broken  bones ! 

Of  life-guards  you  might  have  your  choice- 
Tour  spirits  would  not  stand  the  "  blues ' ' — 

TOT  well  I  know  how  you  rejoice 
To  fence  a  question — yet  refuse. 

The  day  is  done,  and  once  again 

You've   waved   your    hand   aid   snilid 

"adieu!" 
Still  in  the  rumbling  of  the  train 

Hope  tings  a  song  that  tells  of  you. 
Love  in  a  cottage !  'twould  be  heaven  I 

We  will  not  care  for  wealth  or  rank  I 

Great  CESAR'S  ghost !  it's  nearly  seven ! 

And  I  'm  on  duty  at  the  Bank  I 


NAVAL  INTELLIGENCE  ? 

THE  eye  of  Mr.  Punch,  rolling  as  usual  in 
a  fine  Imperial  frenzy  over  land  and  sea,  losing 
sight  of  nothing  that  makes  for  the  great- 
ness of  our  glorious  empire,  has  not  failed  to 
rest  for  a  moment  upon  the  special  number  of 
the  Navy  League  Journal  for  the  curreit 
month,  in  which  novel  and  brilliant  ideas 
abound.  The  most  brilliant  of  all  flash  from 
the  editorial  pages,  for  which  the  Navy 
League  itself  is  responsible.  A  truly  noble 
spirit  animates  these  official  pages,  for 
although  the  British  sailor  receives  the 
highest  praise,  even  the  British  soldier  is,  in 
a  sense,  recognised  as  a  sort  of  brother. 
"England's  soldiers  are  England's  sons, 
though  their  coats  are  red  instead  of  blue." 
Why  they  should  be  blue  is  not  stated.  As 
it  is  obviously  by  birth  that  both  soldiers  and 
sailors  become  England's  sons,  it  is  hard 
perhaps  to  see  why  it  is  a  reproach  to  the 
soldier  to  be  "red  instead  of  blue."  We 
have  it  on  high  authority  that  the  son  of 
Dombey  was  born  very  red,  and  this  may 
probably  be  some  excuse  for  the  young 
soldier.  Bat  the  Navy  League  considers  that 
he  should  be  blue,  and  certainly  the  gallant 
record  of  the  Blues  gives  some  encourage- 
mf  nt  to  its  idea. 

We  pass  to  higher  matters.  "  For  genera- 
tions past,"  eays  the  Navy  League,  "the 
horizon  spread  before  the  eyes  of  our  young 
manhood  has  been  almost  boundless  in  extent, 
and  the  field  for  the  exercise  of  their  ener- 
gies and  for  the  cultivation  of  all  the  nobler 
powers  of  the  mind,  almost  limitless."  Sorely 
the  grandeur  of  these  thoughts  must  be  appa- 
rent to  everyone  who  pays  himself  the  com- 
pliment of  reading  Punch!  Cavillers  may 
object  that  an  horizon  "spread  cut"  and 
"  almost  boundless  "  must  have  been  a  curious 
obiect  for  our  young  manhood  to  have  gazed 
upon ;  but  no  exception  can  possibly  be  taken 


lhutogr<,p\er.  "I  THINK  THIS  is  AN  EXCELLENT  PORTRAIT  OF  -SOCK  WIFE." 
Mr.  Smallweed.   "  I  DON'T  KNOW—  SOKT  OF  RXPOSS  ABOUT  THK  MOUTB  THAT  SOMEHOW 
DOESN'T  SBBM  RIGHT." 


to  the  idea  of  "the  eyes  of  our  young  man- 
hood" exercising  their  energies  m  a  field,  or 
to  these  same  "  eyes  "  cultivating  the  nobler 
powers  of  the  mind!  Other  great  propo- 
sitions are  presented  for  our  acceptance. 
For  example,  "  England  is  surrounded  by  the 
sea,"  to  which  only  the  Scotch  and  the  Welsh 
can  object ;  while  even  they,  and  the  Irish 
too,  may  acquiesce  in  the  undoubted  truth 
that  "  every  native  of  our  Islands  is  at  heart 
a  sailor" — which  the  League  has  discovered, 
we  may  state,  without  resort  to  Rontgen  raj  s. 
But  it  is  when  we  come  to  more  practical 
matters  that  the  ideas  of  the  League  become 
most  valuable.  Unhappily  we  have  space  but 
for  one  specimen.  ''We  want,"  says  the 
Editor,  "  small  ships  of  good  speed,  fitted 
with  moderate  sail  power,  with  masts  and 
yards  that  could  be  landed  if  necessary,  for 
police  purposes."  We  do !  Many  of  us  have 
lamented  the  abandonment  of  sail  power  in 
H.M.'s  ships ;  but  now  that  BO  responsible  a 
body  as  the  Navy  League  has  had  the  saga- 
city to  see  that  masts  and  yards  may  be 
landed,  it'  necessary,  for  police  purposes,  even 
the  Board  of  Admiralty  will  not,  we  feel 
confident,  persist  in  sending  men-of-war 
to  sea  without  a  proper  force  of  masts  and 
yards  on  board  for  service  on  shore  when 
necessary. 


SONG  OF  THE  RATELESS  LAND. 

FROM  THE  ORIGINAL  OP  SALIS(BURT). 
AIR — "  Song  of  the  Silent  Land." 

Os  to  the  Rateless  Land ! 

Ah !  who  shall  lead  us  thither  ? 

Tory  and  Liberal  Unionists  together 

(Whilst  ROSEBEBY'S  wreck  lies  shattered  on 

the  strand) 
Will  lead  us  gently  hand-in-hand 

Thither,  0  thither 
On  to  the  Rateless  Land ! 

On  to  the  Rateless  Land  I 
To  you,  ye  rural  regions 
Of  CHAPLIN'S  preference.    Bright  and  hope- 
ful vifcions 

Haunt  the  Protectionist !    The  Union  band, 
ARTHUR  and  JOSEPH,  who  together  stand, 
Will  strew  Hope's  beauteous  blossoms 
Over  the  Rateless  Land  I 

0,  Land  I    0,  Land! 
Lately  so  broken-hearted 
At   Corn   Laws    smashed,   and   rubbishing 

Allotments. 

JOE,  with  inverted  policy,  doth  stand 
To  pour  wealth,  from  the  Cockney  hand, 
(Blest  boon  'twixt  Squire  and  Parson  parted 

On  to  the  Rateless  Land  I 


203 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  2,  1896. 


PLAYING    "YORKERS." 

TBS  Gay  Parisienne,  libretto  by  GEOBGE  DANCE  and  music  by 
ilvAW  CABYLL.  What  combination  of  names  in  connection  with  the 
authorship  of  a  musical  piece  could  be  happier  than  those  of  DANCE 
and  CAIOL?  With  Mr.  LIONEL  RIGNOLD  out  of  Drury  Lane  melo- 
drama and  pantomime,  Mr.  DENNY, 
late  of  the  Savoy  and  elsewhere,  and 
Mr.  FBANK  WHEELEK  particularly 
good  as  a  French  spy  (especially  when 
he  sings  in  plain  English,  without 
any  trace  of  foreign  accent),  the  ball 
is  kept  up.  But  it  would  come  to  the 
ground  were  it  not  for  the  sprightly 
Miss  ABA  REEVE  singing  and  dancing 
as  the  Gay  Parisienne,  quite  the 
ideal  of  "perpetual  motion,"  and 
the  fascinations  of  the  fascinating 
daughter  of  the  Major,  represented 
by  Miss  VIOLET  ELLICOTT.  Then  the 
stately  Miss  EDITH  STUABT,  and  other 
ladies,  who  can  act  a  little,  sing  a 
little,  dance  a  little,  and  do  generally 
very  well  a  little  of  everything,  all  con- 
tribute towards  the  general  success. 

Besides,  there  is  that  extraordinary 
little  person,  Miss  LOUIE  FBEEAB, 
representing  a  maid-of-all-work  with 
plenty  of  play,  and  reminding  every- 
one forcibly  of  HABLOT  K.  BROWNE'S 
goblinesque  presentment  of  the  Mar- 
chioness, who,  after  being  bullied  and 
starved  by  the  Brasses,  was  finally 
washed,  costumed,  and  made  pre- 
sentable in  order  to  become  Mrs. 
Swiveller.  Miss  LOUIE  FBEEAB'S 
eccentricities  have  "  caught  on,"  and 
the  house,  without  exception, 
applauds  to  the  echo,  and  redemands 
five  times  over  this  queer  little  lady's 
Th»  «( \r«^  w*  >»  *  *v  ™  i  *°ng  and  her  dances.  With  regard 
The  New  Woman"  at  the  Duke  to  fhe  overpoweriDg  humour  of  this 

performance  I  find  mysslf  in  a  dis- 
tinct minority.  But  then,  I  have  the  bad  taste  not  to  be  amused  by 
' '  LITTLE  TICK,"  let  him  do  his  very  quaintest.  And  though  Miss 
FBEEAB  is  by  no  means  a  LITTLE  TICH,  yet  there  is  something 
uncanny  and  goblinesque  about  her  in  thii  "  make-up"  which  is  not 
to  my  taste.  But  that  it  is  to  the  taste  of  the  public  ia  evident,  and 
what 's  the  odds  as  long  as  the  public  is  h?ppy  ? 

Mr.  IVAN  CABYLL'S  music  throughout  i  >  light  and  catchy,  but  I 
consider  that  of  his  first  act  is  the  better.  1  suppose  Mr.  CABYLL 
was  compelled  to  do  a  "  plantation  song,"  and  this  being  so,  he  has 
successfully  introduced  into  it  as  much  novelty  as  possible,  in  order 
to  differentiate  it  from  other  plantation  songs,  notably  "  My  Honey" 
sung  by  MAY  YOKE.  To  do  something  new  successfully  in  this  line 
is  a  triumph,  and  composer,  as  well  as  Miss  ADA  RKEVE  and  chorus, 
well  earn  the  encore  awarded  them.  As  to  the  plot — well,  there  is  a 


Dramatic-Operatic  sort.  It  can  be  renewed  from  time  to  time  with 
"  a  little  song  here  and  a  little  song  there,"  being  so  constructed  as 
to  admit  the  introduction  of  any  possible  dance,  song,  speech,  or 
dialogue,  not  having  the  remotest  connection  with  anything  that  has 
gone  before  or  anything  that  may  follow.  You  come  away  without 
a  headache,  without  a  side-ache,  but,  thank  you,  you  've  had  a  very 
pleasant  evening.  

LITIGATION  IN  ENGLAND  r.  QUARRELLING  "MADE  IN 

GERMANY." 
(Extract  from  a  Coming  Romance,  "  The  Law's  Rival.") 

"  SELECT  your  weapon,"  said  the  second. 

"Must  I  really  contest  this  matter?"  was  the  query  the  un- 
fortunate principal  put  in  reply. 

"I  am  afraid,  yes.  But  you  have  your  choice.  Either  will  do. 
But  one  must  be  chosen." 

"Perhaps  you  can  describe  them,"  eaid  the  unwilling  principal, 
anxious  to  gain  time. 

"  With  pleasure.  This  piece  of  paper  is  a  summons.  When  you 
have  received  it  you  will  be  at  liberty  to  reply.  You  see,  you  are 
accused  of  certain  actions  bringing  with  them  the  possible  penalty  of 
heavy  damages." 

"You  say  'possible  penalty';  perhaps  there  is  a  chance  of 
escape  ? " 


"  I  am  afraid  not.  You  see,  you  depend  upon  counsel,  judge,  and 
jury,  and  the  odds  are  against  the  defendant.  You  may  not  be  quite 
fit  when  you  enter  the  witness  box,  the  barrister  entrusted  with  your 
cause  may  be  *  deviling'  for  a  more  learned  and  yet  absent  brother,  the 
judge  may  be  pigheaded,  and  the  Jury  obstinate.  It  is  as  likely  as 
not  that  the  verdict  may  be  against  you,  and  then  you  will  be 
mulcted  in  damages,  and  have  to  pay  two  heavy  bills  of  costs." 

"  And  I  may  be  anxious  for  weeks  ?  " 

"  Don't  stop  at  weeks — say  months.  You  will  go  through  tortures 
of  doubt  and  mistrust.  And,  until  it  ia  all  over,  you  will  never  be 
able  to  call  your  banking  account  your  own." 

"And  the  alternative ? "  demanded  the  principal. 

"  Oh,  that  is  simple  enough.  It  is  a  German  custom.  You  stand  at 
so  many  paces  distant— and  fire.  You  may  certainly  find  it  awkward ; 
but  then  you  are  saved  from  a  good  deal  of  agitation  and  suspense  " 

The  yet  reluctant  quarreller  paused.  He  glanced  first  at  the 
paper,  and  then  at  the  firearm. 

Give  me  the  pistol,"  he  said,  at  length. 

"  I  think  you  have  decided  wisely,"  replied  his  seoond. 

And  the  admission  was  all  the  more  remarkable,  as  the  last 
speaker  was  a  solicitor.  And  not  only  remarkable,  but  reprehensible. 
Of  course  regarding  the  matter  from  a  professional  point  of  view. 


THE  SPUING  CLEANING. 

BY  TOOHABB  TIPPLING. 
(Copyright  in  Newington  Butts,  1896.) 

THERE  was  a  spirit  of  restlessness  abroad  among  the  Bungle 
People.  The  males  looked  at  each  other  uneasily,  but  spake  not, 
wandering  hither  and  thither  aimlessly, 
while  their  customary  cheerfulness  was 
replaced  by  a  gloom— a  heavy,  dreadful 
gloom.  Indeed,  it  was  as  though  Fear 
had  spread  the  shadow  of  his  terrible 
wings  over  them.  They  were  cowed,  if 
not  crushed,  taking  no  interest  in  any- 
thing ;  even  their  betting-books  remained 
unopened;  the  races  tempted  them  not; 
and  the  i  ovial  Bukmahkrs  mourned.  They 
assembled  in  the  Klubb  Groves— where 
they  were  wont  to  resort  for  noisy  discus- 
sion of  Bungle  matters,  or  for  abuse  of 
their  common  enemy,  the  monster  Inkum- 
taks— and  consulted  together  awe-struck 
and  in  whispers.  Only  PAH  PHAMILIAS 
once  raised  his  voice  to  exclaim,  in  bitter 
anguish,  "Alas  I  alas  I  my  poor  brethren, 
IT  is  upon  us ;  let  us  resign  ourselves  to 
the  annual  season  of  woe."  And  a  general 
groan  followed.  Some,  courting  slumber, 
buried  their  head*  in  the  luxurious  leaves 
of  the  Times  Tree ;  others  sought  solace  in  copious  draughts  from 
the  exhilarating  Beeaness  Brook  which  fizzed  near  at  hand. 

Now  MAH  PHAMILIAS  and  all  those  of  her  sex  became  exceedingly 
busy,  and  assumed  airs  of  the  utmost  importance.  No  longer  did 
they  treat  the  better-half  with  usual  tenderness  and  consideration ; 
but  made  his  home  uninhabitable,  driving  him  from  corner  to  corner 
till  he  knew  not  where  he  was.  For  it  was  the  season  when  the 
Female,  with  her  'Onsemayds  and  Pahlamayds,  is  allowed  by  the 
inexorable  laws  of  Bungle  to  have  full  power  over  her  consort  and 
his  habitation.  During  the  time  of  the  Spring  Cleaning  she  is 
supreme ;  and  none  may  gainsay  her.  All  the  man  population  of 
Bungle  suffered  alike.  "Mimsy"  and  forlorn  they  remained  long 
hours  in  the  Klubb  Groves  ;  but  the  Bhilyards  were  lonesome ;  only 
the  Brook  bubbled  on.  Once  PAH  PHAMILIAS  actually  forgot  the  sad- 
ness of  the  season.  Joyfully  howling  the  songs  of  his  youth,  he 
returned  to  his  lair  long  after  the  Mylk  Bird — whose  shriek  is  a 
terror — had  passed  upon  its  rounds.  And  MAH  PHAMILIAS— who,  like 
the  rest  of  her  tribe,  loathed  the  Klubb  Groves,  fearing  the  fasci- 
nating influence  of  the  Beeaness  Brook,  and  would  have  had 
them  destroyed — was  very  wroth  with  him,  upbraiding  him  for  a 
"heartless  wretch  to  come  home  at  that  hour;  and  wasn't  he 
ashamed  of  himself  ?  "  But  PAH  PHAMILIAS  only  smiled  vaguely, 
and  murmured,  "  Sprinclean'."  Then  he  stumbled  upstairs.  And 
how  he  suffered  the  next  day,  and  found  the  season  of  the  Spring 
Cleaning  more  trying  than  ever  must  serve  for  yet  another  story. 


ACCOBDING  TO  THAT  HAPPY  VOYAGEB  SIK  EDWIN  ABNOLD. 

ALL  sun,  no  cloud ;  all  joy,  no  grief : 
There  is  no  pique  at  Teneriffe. 

SUGGESTION  FOB  A  NEW  OBDEB.— C.B.,  Commander  of  the  Bicycle. 


MAY  2,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


209 


EXPERIEIMTIA    DOCET. 

Proficient  Bicyclist.  ' '  WELL,  OLD  CHAP,  HOW  ARE  YOU  GETTING  ON  ? " 
Commencing  Bicyclist.  "THANK  YOU,  NOT  BADLY;  BCT  I  FIND  I  CAN 

GET  OFB1  BEtTER." 


ROUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

SPRINGI  IN  OUR  TILLAGE, 

IN  the  beautiful  weather  that  Heaven  has  sent  us  during  these  last 
days  Spring  has  indeed  been  rushing  in  upon  us  with  Summer  bear- 
ing her  train.  Where  only  lately  gaunt  and  forbidding  boughs 
tossed  sorrowfully  in  the  bleak  winds,  and  the  hedgerows  were  bare 
and  black,  there  has  come,  first,  a  timid  glint  of  delicate  green,  and 
then  a  glorious  effulgence.  The  orchards  have  taken  on  their 
shimmering  white  robes,  and  velvet  lawns,  unparched  as  yet  by  any 
fierce  heat,  invite  the  casual  saunterer.  Life  itself  seems  to  have 
put  away  all  effort,  and  resigns  itself  in  calm  contentment  to  the  cool 
breath  of  the  morning  breeze. 

HEBE,  in  our  quiet  village,  we  seem  to  have  made  up  our  minds  to 
bask  and  enjoy  ourselves.  Existence  with  us  lies  apart  from  the 
stress  and  struggle  of  the  great  world  where  Ministries  battle  and 
diplomatists  indite  despatches,  where  the  loud  roar  of  the  Stock 
Exchange  fills  the  air,  and  the  street-musician  exercises  his  woeful 
calling,  where  the  peaks  of  Society  tempt  the  armies  of  the  envious  to 
attack,  and  peace  is  shattered  amid  the  clash  of  causes  and  questions 
and  movements.  Of  these  an  eoho  reaches  us  now  and  again, 
as  when  we  elect  our  Parish  Council,  or  muzzle  our  dogs  in 
obedience  to  the  alarmed  authorities  of  our  county,  but  for  the  most 
part,  as  I  say,  we  bask  and  enjoy  ourselves,  and  feel  the  stir  of  spring 
in  our  veins  without  any  furious  desire  to  burst  away  from  the  easy 
trammels  of  pur  little  conventions.  Yet  it  is  certainly  strange  that 
the  dwellers  in  cities  coming  for  a  day  or  two  into  our  remoteness  do 
not  always  see  and  hear  as  we  do.  It  was  only  the  other  day  that 
my  friend  PHTCE-LYSTER  (guard  yourself  carefully,  if  you  wish  for 
his  goodwill,  from  substituting  an  "i"  for  a  "y"  in  his  name), 
who  had  come  to  me  for  a  breath  of  country  air,  arrived  in  the  break- 
fast-room on  his  first  morning  here  with  a  haggard  and  desperate 
expression.  "  My  dear  GEORGE,"  said  I,  with  some  concern,  "what 
is  the  matter  with  you  ?  You  look  as  if  you  hadn't  slept  a  wink." 
"  Slept !  "  he  answered,  bitterly ;  "  how  the  deuce  is  a  man  to  sleep 
when  the  blessed  sun  comes  dancing  in  at  his  windows  in  the  middle 


of  the  night,  and  two  confounded  larks  howl  and  scream 
outside  all  the  time;"'  Saying  which  he  plunged  morosely 
into  his  correspondence  from  the  City,  and  only  broke  his 
silence  to  say  he  feared  that  business  would  call  him  back 
earlier  than  he  had  anticipated. 

I  SAW  the  father  of 'the  village  sunning  himself  outside  his 
garden- gate  yesterday.  How  this  venerable  old  gentleman 
acquired  the  parental  position  which  our  universal  consent  has 
assignee1  to  him,  I  have  never  been  able  to  discover ;  for  there 
are  in  the  village  men  who  have  not  only  lived  there  longer, 
but  are  older  in  yean.  No  doubt  the  possession  of  his  little 
freehold  counts  for  something,  and  a  certain  old-world  courtli- 
ness of  manner,  a', hearty  friendliness  bearing  up  gallantly 
under  the  weight  of  age,  a  genial  address,  a  nice  conduct  of  the 
sturdy  stick  that  supports  his  steps— all  these  have  their  influ- 
ence. •  Whatever  be  the  cause,  he  is  acknowledged  as  the  father 
of  the  village.  It  is  rumoured  of  him  that  he  is  an  Oxford 
man,  and  that  he  once  wrote  a  book.  For  myself,  I  have  never 
ventured  either  to  doubt  or  to  inquire  into  these  statements.  I 
accept  them  as  part  of  the  atmosphere  in  which  a  father  of  a 
village  should  move  and  have  his  being.  The  salutations  we 
exchange,  though  always  friendly,  have  never  declined  into 
a  flippant  familiarity.  "Good  morning,  Mr.  JACKSON;  how 
pleasant  these  warm  mornings  are."  "That  they  are.  Sir: 
it 's  a  God's  blessing  to  be  able  to  move  about  again  without 
being  frozen."  "I  trust  Mrs.  JACKSOIT  is  better."  "Thank 
you,  Sir,  she  is  no  worse;  we  hope  that  the  coming  summer 
may  bring  her  back  to  health."  Such  in  the  past  ha?  been  the 
manner  of  our  brief  interviews. 

BUT  on  this  particular  morning  I  hesitated  to  approach  the 
kindly  old  gentleman,  for  the  cold  winds  of  March  had  broken 
down  his  invalid  wife's  resistance,  and  ten  days  before  she  had 
been  carried  to  her  rest  in  our  little  churchyard.  Since  then  I 
had  not  seen  him,  for  he  had  shut  himrelf  up  in  his  home  to 
mourn  over  his  loss,  and  no  one  had  dared  to  disturb  his  sorrow. 
However,  I  judged  he  would  not  resent  a  friendly  word,  so  I 
went  up  to. him.  "Mr.  JACKSON,"  I  began,  "1  was  deeply 

grieved "    "Thank  you,  Sir,"  said  the  old  man.  "thank 

you,  but  don't  say  any  more.  I  don't  think  I  could  bear  it. 
Ah,  Sir,  you  don't  know  what  it  is  to  me.  Forty  years  we  were 
together,  forty  years  and  never  an  angry  word.  Look  at  my 
little  house,  Sir;  isn't  it  bright  and  pretty,  with  the  creepers 
growing  over  it,  and  the  windows  open  to  the  sun  ?  Well,  Sir, 
to  me  it 's  dark,  quite  dark.  I  've  been  through  all  the  rooms 
over  and  over  again ;  but  I  can't  bear  to  stay  in  it  any  longer. 
Forty  years,  Sir— think  of  it.  Always  kind  and  good.  I  wish  I 
had  gone  first ;  but  then,  what  would  she  have  done  ?  No,  it's 
better  as  it  is,  perhaps ;  but  it 's  a  hard  blow,  and  I  'm  an  old  man— too 
old  to  bear  such  a  blow.  What  a  woman  she  was  I  You  should  have 
ieen  her,  Sir,  when  we  were  both  young"-  he  raised  his  head,  and  drew 
himself  up—"  always  bright  and  cheerful,  always  busy,  till  she  took 

ill.    But  I  was  there  to  help  her,  and  attend  to  her.    And  now 

Ah,  well.  Sir,  thank  you  for  your  kindness ;  but  you  see  it's  hard 
for  an  old  man  to  bear."  He  turned  away,  his  face  streaming  with 
tears,  and  walked  slowly  up  the  gravel  walk.  "  Thank  you,  Sir,  it 
was  good  of  you  to  speak  to  me ;  but  forty  years  is  a  long  time,  and 
I  can't  forget  all  she  was  to  me." 


COMMON  OR  GARDEN  RHYMES. 
II. — THE  GOOSEBERRY. 


IN  praise  of    wall-fruit    I    am 
dumb, 

For  me  the  peach  may  rot, 
For  me  unheeded  bloom  the  plum, 

Safe  hang  the  apricot. 
With  JESS  I  've  brotherly  dispute, 

We  never  can  agree, 
About  the  most  delightful  fruit— 

The  gooseberry  for  me. 

The  early  strawberry  I  hate, 

A  hot-house  tour  deforce, 
The  vine  I  'd  evea  extirpate 

Without  the  least  remorse : 
A  pineapple's  peculiar  charm 

I  never  yet  could  see, 
A  humbler  fruit  must  bear  the 
palm — 

The  gooseberry  for  me. 


And  as  for  cherries,  I  refute 

The  sweetest  Kentish  "  hearts," 
Red  currants  I  will  only  use 

With  raspberries  in  tarta : 
No  apple  tempts  me  as  a  rule, 

However  crisp  it  be, 
I  do  not  care  for  rhubarb  "  fool " — 

The  go  Dseberry  for  me»  , ;  jar^ 

So,  when  AMANDA  comes  to  stay 

In  summer-time  with  JESS, 
We  often  down  the  garden  stray, 

A  trio,  I  confess. 
And  JESS  (dear  JESS   goes  oft  to 

look 

.For  pears— a  special  tree 
That  grows  in  some  far  distant 

nook — 
'    The  gooseberry  for  me  I 


CORRECT  DEFINITION  OF  THE  FRENCH  AND  GERMAN  TERRITORY 
BEHIND  OUR  AFaiCAN  COLONIES.— Hinder-land. 


210 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI, 


[MAT  2,  1896. 


IN    A    GOOD    CAUSE. 

Lady  Member  of  the  Girls  Friendly  Society.  "  I  WANT  TO  8KB  HARRIET  BROWN.     Is  SHI  IN  ?  " 
Page-boy  (pointing  to  area  gate),   "VISITORS  I  OR  Ml3S  BfiOWN  THAT  WAY,  PLEAS*." 


NEW  RULES  FOR  CYCLISTS. 
I. — WHAT  BOMB  OTHER  PEOPLE  WOTTLD  IIKB. 

CYCLING  to  be  included  in  the  prohibitory 
clauses  of  the  "  Spurious  Sports  "  Bill. 

Every  cycle-rider  to  pay  a  tax  of  fifty  per 
cent,  on  the  total  income  that  he  would  have 
if  every  mile  ridden  brought  him  in  a 
sovereign,  and  every  tinkle  of  his  bell  a  ten- 
pound  note. 

Nobodv  to  cycle  without  a  license,  issued 
by  the  Governor  of  Newgate,  after  a  fort- 
night's strict  examination  (on  bread  and 
water)  in  elementary  mechanics,  advanced 
hydrostatics,  riding  on  the  head  down  an  in- 
clined plane,  and  the  obiter  dicta  of  all  the 
Judges  on  compensation  in  accident  cases. 

Any  person  found  riding  without  such  a 


license  to  receive  a  minimum  penalty  of  ten 
years'  penal  servitude,  followed  by  police 
supervision  for  the  rest  of  his  natural  life. 

If  caught  on,  with,  or  under  a  cycle  within 
fifty  miles  of  any  town  of  five  thousand  in- 
habitants, the  culprit  to  be  fined  a  hundred 
guineas  and  bound  over  in  his  own  recogni- 
sances to  abandon  cycling  and  take  to  golf 
instead. 

When  a  cyclist  on  any  road  sees,  or  has 
reason  to  believe  that  he  might  tee  if  he  choee 
to  look,  any  horse,  cart,  carriage,  gig,  or  other 
vehicle,  or  any  pedestrian  approaching,  he  (or 
she)  to  instantly  dismount,  run  the  machine 
into  the  nearest  ditch,  and  kneel  in  a  humble 
and  supplicating  attitude  till  the  said  horse, 
cart,  &o.,  has  got  at  least  a  mile  away. 

Every  cyclist  to  be  presumed,  in  all  legal 
proceedings,  to  be  a  reckless  idiot  and  on  the 


wrong  side  of  the  road,  unless  he  can  bring 
conclusive  evidence  to  the  contrary. 

All  tourists  on  wheels  to  report  themselves 
at  every  police  station  they;  pass.  If  un- 
vaocinated,  they  may  be  taken' to  thefnearest 
doctor  and.  oompulsorily  inoculated  with  any 
old  lymph  or  "anti-ovclin  serum"  he  may 
have  handy.  Baptismal  certificates  to  be 
carried  in  the  bag  or  on  the  person :  penalty 
for  non-compliance,  twenty-five  lashes  with 
a  pneumatic  cat,  well  laid  on. 

I3II. — WHAT  ALL  CYCLISTS  WOULD  LIKB, 

Cyclists  to  be  given  a  special  track  on  all 
roads,  quite  half  the  width  of  the  thorough- 
fare, and  well  asphalted:  the  expense  to  be 
met  by  a  general  tax  on  vehicles  propelled 
otherwise  than  by  foot. 

In  case  of  any  accident,  coachmen  and  oar- 
drivers  to  be  bound  over  to  keep  the  pieces, 
and  supply  a  brand-new  machine. 

All  vehicles  of  every  description  to  at  once 
tkedaddle  up  side  streets  when  a  lady  cyclist 
is  descried  in  the  offing  on  a  main  road. 

Nil  bells,  horns,  or  lamps  in  future  to  be 
required.  Pedestrians  to  Keep  to  the  side- 
walks or  take  the  consequences.  Cyclists  to 
have  the  right  to  use  the  sidewalks  as  much 
as  they  like,  and  at  any  pace. 

The  City  streets  to  be  cleared  of  traffic  and 
left  as  practit ing-grounds  for  new  wheelmen 
and  wheelwomen. 

Rate-supported  stations  (with  free  meals) 
for  blowing  up  burst  tyres  to  be  provided  on 
all  roads. 

Cycles  (and  cyclists)  to  travel  free  by  rail. 

And,  finally,  any  person  reasonably  sus- 
pected of  not  owning  a  cycle  or  being  about  to 
get  one  to  ray  a  fine  of  five  thousand  pounds 
to  the  Exchequer,  be  handed  over  to  the 
Lunacy  Commissioner?,  and  detained  dnrirg 
HEB  MAJESTY'S  pleasure. 


GBASSE. 

0  GKASSE,  1  thought  that  thou  wast  sweet, 
83  sweet  to  eye  and  nose  alike  I 

1  started,  eager  for  the  treat, 

By  train  much  slower  than  a  bike. 

Thy  tr«  ia  from  charming  Cannes  I  see 

Is  meant,  by  its  delay,  to  call 
Attention  to  the  fact  that  we 

Hid  better  never  go  at  all. 

I  climbed  thy  hill,  as  I  was  told 
Thy  view  was  marvellously  fine ; 

Thy  barracks,  frightful  to  behold, 
Would  t  pjil  a  view  much  more  divine. 

I  saw  thy  dusty,  dismal  streets, 
Thy  graceless  church,  and  then  I  went 

To  see  the  sweetest  of  thy  sweats, 
A  manufactory  of  scent. 

Alas,  sweet  perfumes  of  the  rose 

Or  lily  I  had  not  to  face  I 
An  oily  smell  assailed  my  nose. 

The  scent  of  Grasse  is  scent  of  graisse, 

0  dusty,  evil-smelling  town, 

0  grassless,  graceless  Grasse,  all  graisie 

1  do  not  want  to  run  thee  down. 
But  thou  ait  not  a  pleasant  place  I 

Then,  luckless  wretch,  quite  bored  by  thee, 

1  sought  thy  station  to  await 
Thy  train,  which  always  seems  to  be 

Three  quarters  of  an  hour  late. 

One  moment's  joy  wan  mine  that  day  ; 

It  was  when  thy  belated  train, 
0  Grasse,  at  last  took  me  away  I 

I  never  shall  come  back  again ! 


TUHFOLOGY. — "The  chance  of  St.  Frusquin 
winning  the  Derby  is  threatened  by  Teutel" 
Evidently  *'  the  Devil  a  saint  would  be. 


MAY  2,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


213 


THE  MOUNTED  PEDESTRIAN'S 
YADE  MEGUM. 

(Compiled  by  a  Prejudiced  Pro- 
merutder  who  Objects  to  Cycles  in 
the  Park.) 

Question.  Is  the  new  manner 
of  riding  in  the  Drive  attractive  ? 

Answer.  Certainly  not;  as  the 
np-to-date  velccipedist  seldom 
possesses  grace,  and  nearly  in- 
variably lacks  comfort. 

Q.  Is  there  not  constantly  an 
expression  of  care  upon  the 
countenances  of  cyclists  ? 

A.  Very  frequently ;  and  this 
aspect  would  cause  mirth,  did  it 
not  suggest  approaching  afflic- 
tion. 

Q.  What  is  the  meaning  of 
a  "spill"  to  a  votary  of  the 
wheel  ? 

A.  Any  upset;  from  the  first, 
requiring  the  services  of  a 
medical  student,  to  the  last, 
demanding  the  recognition  of  a 
coroner. 

Q.  Does  a  male  rider  appear 
to  advantage  mounted  on  wheels  ? 

A.  Never;  and  when  he  scales 
fourteen  stone  or  more,  the  pic- 
ture he  presents  is  pitiable. 

Q.  Does  a  lady-rider  who 
tikes  her  hands  from  the  guid- 
ing-iron and  progresses  solely 
with  the  assistance  of  her  feet 
deserve  commendation  ? 

A.  Distinctly  not ;  as  her  per- 
formance invites  disaster,  and 
is  merely  suggestive  of  the  pre- 
liminary antics  of  an  "extra 
turn"  at  a  fourth-rate  music- 
hall. 

Q.  Should  a  general-officer 
ride  a  cycle  ? 

A.  Not  within  view  of  the 
barracks,  as  no  sentry  could 
salute  him  with  a  feeling  of 
sincere  respect. 


TOUJOURS    PERORIX! 

Jacky  (just  lack  from  his  first  day  at  School).   "On,  SCHOOL  19  A  JOLLY 
PLACB,  AUNT*  MAID.     I  WAS  KEVER  so  HAPPY  IN  ALL  MY  LIFE  I" 
"YOU'LL  LIKE  ir  EVEN  BETIER  TO-MOKROW,  JACKY  1" 
" TO-MORROW?    HAVE  I  GOT  TO  GO  AGAIN  TO-MORROW?" 
"WHY  NOT,  SINCE  YOU'RE  so  HAPPY  THERE?" 
"An,  YKS — EOT  I  DON'T  WANT  TO  MAKE  A  HABIT  OF  IT,  YOU  KNOW  !  " 


Q.  Should  a  judge  or  magis- 
trate progress  on  wheels  ? 

A.  Not  when  the  police  are 
about,  as  the  performance  would 
be  calculated  to  prejudice  the 
dignity  appropriate  to  the  Bench. 

Q.  Who  are  the  chief  bene- 
fiters  by  the  craze  for  cycling  ? 

A.  The  Coventry  manufac- 
turers and  London  doctors. 

Q.  Is  there  any  explanation 
for  the  apparently  accident- 
inviting  and  mirth-provoking 
movement  ? 

A.  Yes ;  one  that  is  less  a  so- 
lution than  an  excuse — "it's 
the  fashion!" 


Land  Ho ! 
(By  a  Disappointed  Town-Dweller.) 

JOE  once  insisted,  in  a  manner 
handsome, 

That  Land  should  pay  the  land- 
less heavy  ransom ; 

But  now— most  paradoxical  of 
fates ! — 

The  landless  must  pay  half 
Land's  "  local  rates." 

It  once  was  held  as  worthy  of 
belief 

That  one  should  "set  a  thief 
to  catch  a  thief." 

But  now  I  fancy  we  thould  un- 
derstand it : 

"The  greatest  foe  cf  ransom's 
an  ex-bandit  I " 


PARADOX  (as  it  strikes  a  Venal 
Voter). — With  his  cash  at  least 
a  Conservative  is  sometimes 
vastly  Liberal,  and  a  Liberal 
tremendously  Conservative. 


SPRING  THOUGHT,  BY  A  FLO- 
RIST.—  The  finent  field  for  the 
growth  of  primroses  is— Bea- 
consfield. 


OUR  BOOKING-OFflCE. 

ON  JOHN  SMITH'S  Platonic  Affections,  the  most  reoent  of  the 
"Key-Note  Series,"  published  by  JOHN  LANE  of  Vigo  Street,  the 
Baron's  opinion  is  that  the  story  is  thoroughly  interesting  as  long  as 
we  are  concerned  only  in  the  history  of  two  lovers,  a  couple  of  noodles 
old  .enough  to  know  better,  who,  not 
believing  in  themselves  as  lovers  and 
wishing  to  live  together  as  brother  and 
sister,  became  man  and  wife  in  order  to 
avoid  scandalising  Mrs.  Grundy.  The 
dialect  conversations  are  probably  ex- 
cellent, but  to  the  majority  of  readers 
not  up  in  the  Lingo  of  Lipport,  this 
portion  of  the  book  becomes  rather 
wearisome  To  sum  up,  this  book  is  an 
example  of  excellent  material  inartis- 
tically  made  up. 

Sriseis,  who  gives  her  name  to  Mr. 
BLACK'S  last  novel,  just  published  by 
SAMPSON  Low,  will  take  her  place  in 
the  front  rank  of  the  fair  women  of 
whom  the  novelist  h  as  dreamed.  S  he  is, 

in  quite  another  way,  as  charming  as  the  Princess  in  Thule.  Mr.  BLACK 
has  struck  a  fresh  note  in  bringing  his  heroine  from  Greece,  though, 
as  usual,  he  plants  her  out  in  Scotland,  and  lends  her  on  long  visits 
to  London.  Besides  Briseis,  herself  a  perfect  work  of  art,  the  story 
is  full  of  human  people,  beginning  with  the  Greek  girl's  old  uncle 
the  naturalist,  including  delightful  Aunt  Jean  and  detestable 
Aunt  Clara.  The  novel  is  published  in  a  single  six- shilling  volume ; 
a  new  departure,  my  Baronite  thinks,  for  Mr.  BLACK.  The  arrange- 
ment will  give  early  opportunity  to  tens  of  thousands  to  read  a 
delightful  book.  The  Baron  recommends  The  FMW  in  the  Marble 
in  HUTCHINSON  &  Co.'s  Leisure  Library.  Well  written,  interesting, 
likewise  handy  for  pocketing,  honestly.  B. 


GOLDIE. 

Mr.  John  Haviland  Dashwocd  Goldie,  the  famous  Cambridge  oarsman, 
who  led  his  University  Eight  to  victory  on  three  several  and  successive 
occasions,  died  on  April  12,  aged  47. 

GOIDIE  gone,  true,  "gentle  GOLDIF,"  genial  man,  and  glorious 

"  stroke," 

Who  the  nine-year  spell  of  evil  fortune  for  Cam's  champions  broke, 
Stroking  them  three  times  to  triumph !    Sure  the  nymphs  of  sedgy 

Cam 

(If  young  Titans  of  to-day  will  tolerate  poetic  nun) 
Mourn  a  later  LYCIDAS  !    Upon  his  all  too  early  bier 
Many  manly  hearts  at  least  will  drop  the  fond,  regretful  tear ; 
Followers  of  the  Cambridge  fortunes   will   remember  with  what 

pride 

They  beheld,  in  Eighteen  Seventy,  gallant  GOLDIE  turn  the  tide 
Of  the  Light  Blues'  long  defeats ;  and  how  the  thronged  Thames 

reaches  rang 

With  the  shouts  of  ancient  Cantabs.    Worthier  hero  ne\er  sang 
Muscle-praising  modern  PINDAR.    Cambridge  needs  a  GOLDIR  now, 
And  when  next  her  "  ship,"  well  captained,  pushes  home  a  winning 

prow — 
May  it  be  next  year  I — fond  memories  on  her  grand  old  stroke  will 

dwell, 

Dreaming  that  they  hear  his  shout  amidst  the  mob's  mellifluous'yell. 
Good  as  gold  must  In  that  Captain  !    Echo  answers  "  It  will  do 
If  he  be  as  good  as  GOLDIE  I "    All  survivors  of  his  crew, 
All  his  friends— and  who  shall  count  them  ?— hive  his  memory  in 

their  hearts. 

Every  brave  young  Briton  mourns  when  such  a  champion  departs. 
Enviable  fate,  my  masters  1    Loved  all  round  and  unf orgot, 
With  fixed  name  on  a  great  roll  of  victors.    'Tis  a  glorious  lot ! 
Had  we,  too,  a  parsley  crown  or  olive  garland  for  our  brave, 
These  with  honour  might  be  laid  most  fittingly  on  GOLDIE'S  grave  I 


214 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  2,  1896> 


MAY  2,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


215 


ESSENCE    OF   PARLIAMENT. 

EXTBACTED   FBOM   THE   DIABT   OF   TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  April  20.— GRANDOLPH  used  to  say, 
"  CHAPLIN'S  speeches  would  be  first-rate  if  he  would  only  sit  down 
before  he  began  his  peroration."  That  was,  however,  merely  jealousy. 
No  one  would  like  to  have  missed  peroration  to-night  in  speech 
introducing  Agricultural  Rating  Bill.  It  came  a  little  suddenly 
after  matter-of-fact  lucid  explanation  of  details  of  Bill.  Bat  how 
full-toned  it  was ;  how  rotund ;  how  reminiscent  of  DJZZY,  just  now, 
from  his  pedestal  in  Parliament  Square,  looking  down  over  the  poor 
faded  primroses  with  sardonic  smile  on  the  gaping  crowd  that  blocks 
the  pavement.  To  see  the  Farmer's  Friend  fling  on  the  table  the 
last  sheet  of  the  manuscript  notes  of  his  speech  was  most  convincing. 
BUB  K  E  and  his  dagger  oast  on  floor  of  House  a  puny  performance  by 
companion.  And  then  the  Joyelike  frown  on  his  usually  smiling 
countenance  when  he  returned  his  seat  was  worih  another  shilling  in 
the  pound  to  the  ruintd  farmer. 

"Glad  you  liked  my  speech,  TOBT,"  he  m<J.  "  Finoy  tbere  i', 
as  you  siy,  a  touch  cf  the  antique 
about  its  style.  Bat  I  wish  I  could 
do  even  more  for  the  famishing 
farmer.  Often  I  think,  when  I 
come  out  of  the  Amphitryon,  after 
a  bread- and -cheese  lunch,  how 
would  it  be  suppose  I  were  to  sit 
down  on  the  pavement,  and,  as 
representative  of  the  agricultural 
class,  display  a  card  bearing  the 
legend  'I  em  starving'?  Don't 
you  think  that  would  fetch  'em? 
I  'm  told  there 's  a  great  run  just 
now  on  Hviog  pictures." 

"  Capital  idea,"  said  SABK,  who 's 
always  ready  to  answer  for  ctaer 
people.  "  You  were  made  for  the 
part.  Your  haggard  cheek,  your 
attenuated  form,  your  curved-in 
chest,  your  general  appearance  of 
tasting  meat  only  once  a  week,  and 
then  in  the  form  of  bacon,  always 
seem  to  me  to  mark  you  out  for  a 
model  Minist-r  of  Agriculture  in 
times  of  exceptional  depression.  It 
added  to-night  to  the  picturesque- 
ness  of  your  spetcH.  You'd  make 
an  immense  hit  in  the  character 
you  suggest.  Be  sure  you  plant 
out  your  hat  brim,  uppermost,  like 
the  other  fellows  who  draw  land- 
scapes and  sea  pieces  on  the  pave- 
ment. You  '11  gt t  more  coppers  than 
you  can  conveniently  carry  home." 

"Hum,"  said  CHAPLIN,  looking 
dubiously  at  SAUK. 

Business  done.  —  Agricultural 
Rating  Bill  brought  in.  Danced 
on  by  FOWLER  and  SQUIRE  OF 
MALWOOD. 

Thursday. — Dr.  TANNER  is  be- 
ginning to  think  there 's  something 
uncanny  about  the  SPEAKER.  Long 


AGRICULTURAL  DEPRESSION. 


practice  has  enabled  him  to  wrestle  with  Chair,  whether  it  be  filled 
by  SPEAKER  or  Chairman.  But  he  likes  business  conducted  according 


of  row  irresistible,  takes  off  coat,  tumbles  in,  and  whirls  shillallegh 
to  common  danger  of  friend  and  enemy.  LLOYD- GEORGE  moves 
overtime  shall  cease  at  half-past  three  instead  of  four.  TANNEK 
springs  up  to  second  Amendment.  Two  or  three  other  light  hearts 
below  Gangway  carol  to  same  tune.  SPEAKER  lies  low  and  says 
nuffin.  Presently  TANNER,  believing  that  as  so  many  had  risen  to 
second  Amendment  he  was  free  from  responsibility,  began  his  speech. 
"Order!  Order!"  said  the  SPEAK  ER  ;  "the  hon.  Member  has 
already  spoken." 

"  No,  Sir,"  said  TANNER,  with  air  of  conviction,  for  he  had  only 
beon  shouting. 

"  The  hon.  Member  seconded  the  amendment." 
"No,  Sir,"  insisted  the  Doctor ;  "  it  was  the  hon.  Member  behind 
me." 

"Several  Members  rose,  and  I  took  the  seconding  of  the  hon. 
Member  ; "  and  the  SPEAKER  forthwith  put  the  question. 

TANNER  temporarily  subsided ;  House  roared  with  laughter ;  at 
least  a  quarter  of  an  hour  of  precious  time  saved. 
Business  done. — Budget  resolutions  agreed  to. 
Friday. — Member  tor  S  «nth  Monaghan  consumed  with  thirst  for 

knowledge.  Whenever  Carrick- 
ir  across  can  spare  the  Chairman  of 
its  Town  Commissioners,  he  c  mes 
up  to  "Westminster,  and  fl'xids 
paper  with  questions.  In  the  Chief 
Secretary's  office  he  is  known  as 
The  Daly  Inquirer.  Among§t 
questions  in  to-day's  paper  stand- 
ing in  his  name  is  one  "  to  ask  the 
Chief  Secretary  to  the  Lord  Lieu- 
tenant of  Ireland  if  he  is  aware 
that  national  school  teachers  have, 
put  of  their  own  pockets,  to  supply 
maps,  tablets,  school  pictures,  and 
chaits." 

Assuming  question  is  based  on 
fact,  here  is  fresh  injustice  to 
Ireland.  Why  should  national 
school  teachers  in  that  country  be 
thus  inconveniently  loaded  ?  Some 
of  them,  SAUK  tells  me,  live  long 
distances  ircm  scene  of  their  la- 
bours; have  to  trudge  to  and  fro 
daily.  Why  srould  they  be  re- 
quired to  bulge  forth  their  pockets 
with  maps,  tablets,  school  pictures, 
and  obatts  ready  to  meet  capri- 
cious demand  of  school- children  ? 

The  form  of  Mr.  DALY'S  ques- 
tion suggests  a  way  tut  (f  the 
difficulty.  As  he  puts  it,  it  is 
"out  of  their  own  pookets"  the 
hapless  teachers  have  to  procure 
these  articles,  some  of  them  (charts 
and  school  pictures)  of  considerable 
balk.  There  night  be  someone 
else's  pocket  out  of  which  they 
might  take  them  ;  the  county 
Member's  or  the  Chairman  of  the 
Town  Commissioners',  for  example. 
But  that  obviously  only  modifica- 
tion of  a  difficulty  that  really  seems 
aibitrarily  created.  In  England  or 


to  ordinary  rules  of  the  ring. 
"I  don't  mind  being    occasionally  suspended,"  he  said. 


It 


brings  one's  name  well  to  the  front,  and  supplies  an  opportunity  of 
spending  eight  hours  at  the  sea-side.  Also,  I  have  grown  accustomed 
to  being  ordered  to  resume  my  seat  just  when,  after  a  quarter  of  an 
hour's  gabble,  I  am  beginning  to  approach  my  subject.  Moreover, 
it  is  quite  common  for  a  motion  to  be  deolared  carried  when  I  have 
for  some  moments  bawled  out  '  No  I '  Those  are  ordinary  expe- 
riences of  a  Member  of  my  legislative  habits.  But  when  half-a- 
dozen  fellows  jump  up  to  second  an  amendment,  to  have  the 
SPEAKER  fix  upon  you  in  particular  as  the  seconder,  and  when, 
half  an  hour  later,  you  come  in  prepared  with  a  speech  that  shall 
further  block  business,  for  him  to  say  you  have  already  spoken — 
well,  now,  that 's  what  I  call  hitting  below  the  belt." 

Incident  certainly  a  little  hard  upon  Member  of  TANNER'S  indus- 
trious habits.  Motion  before  House  was  that  Grand  Committee  on 
Law  might  sit  till  four  o'clock,  instead  of  observing  usual  practice 
of  adjourning  in  time  for  meeting  of  House.  Benefices  Bill  has 
stuck  in  throat  of  Grand  Committee.  Church  and  Nonconformity 
wrangling  round  it.  Never  get  through  unless  Grand  Committee 
works  overtime.  Nonconformity  objects.  Dr.  BANNER,  attraction 


Scotland  the  schoolroom  would  be  fitted  up  with  cupboards  or  drawers 
in  which  these  indispensable  articles  might  be  stored,  to  be  drawn 
upon  in  case  of  need^  The  Member  for  South  Mi  naghan  has  called 
attention  to  a  real  grievance,  which  GERALD  BAIFOUB,  still  anxious 
to  kill  Home  Rule  by  kindnesp,  will  do  well  to  remove. 
Business  done.— Scotch  Votes  in  Committee  cf  Supply. 


'  music 


In  Nuce. 

ONE  man's  "  noiee  "  is  oft  another's 
And  what  delights  the  many  makes  the  few  sick. 
"  Relieve  the  few,  and  yet  not  rob  the  many," 
Is  the  lawmaker's  aim — if  not  a  zany. 


GEOGRAPHICAL  IiEM.^The  town  of  Grasse  is  celebrated  for  its 
floriculture :  it  is  also  "  where  the  widows  come  from." 


THE  WAY  OF  THE  WHISKEY-DRINK  JR. 

THE  only  "  Water  Question"  I  will  watch, 

Is— how  much  should  man  mix  with  "  Special  Scotch    ? 

FIVE-O'CLOCK  "  TIES."— Suburban  golf. 


216 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  2,  1896. 


AN  APRIL  SHOWER. 


SWRET  BAB  and  I 

Sat  under  a  tree. 
Oh,  blue  was  the  sky 

And  the  wind  blew  free. 
Oar  cheeks  were  oloss. 

Bat  she  little  heeded ; 
Hers  flashed  like  a  rose. 

Mine  paled,  as  I  pleaded 
For  -  maybe  you  '11  guess. 

Ah !  bad  luck  is  a  bore. 
Had  I  but  said  less, 

Or,  perhaps,  done  more, 
All  had  yet  been  well. 

But— my  chance  was  gone ; 
The  free  wind  fell, 

And  the  rain  came  on. 
She  sighed  "  It  thunders  ! " 

I  hadn't  a  "brolly." 
Alas  for  the  blunders 

Of  human  follv ! 
I  huffed,  she  tiffed  ; 

How  the  rain  did  pelt  1 
I  frowned,  the  sniffed. 

Ah !  she  would  not  melt. 
Her  eyes  of  blue, 

Like  the  sky,  were  veiled. 


Such  chill  showers,  too  I 

One  had  sworn  it  haiUd. 
/hailed— a  cab. 

Doll,  dreary,  damp. 
We  sulked.    Sweet  BAB  I 

For  the  lack  of  a  gamp, 
I  lost  that  kiss 

And  thee,  too,  alack 
The  chance  we  miss 

Comes  never  more  back. 
Rain,  soft  Spring  rain  I 

As  you  wet  the  leaves, 
With  repentance  vain 

One  broods  and  erieves. 
And  the  other?    Faith! 

She  is  rich  and  gay, 
And  she  (hows  small  scathe ; 

Yet  methinks  to-day, 
When  by  chance  we  met 

In  the  lime-tree  walk, 
With  the  small  rain  wet, 

That,  though  blithe  our  talk, 
She  felt,  as  I, 

The  malignant  power 
Of  a  word  awry, 

And  an  April  shower. 


AS  IT  MAY  BE. 

S"  ....  a  solution  of  the  difficulty  might,  perhaps,  be  found  in  em  pan- 
ling,  at  a  reasonable  rate  of  remuneration,  some  of  the  unemployed 
members  of  the  Junior  Bar  as  special  jurors." — Daily  Press.'] 

Mr.  Justice  Jawley  (summing  up  case  to  jury  of  Barristers).  In 
deciding  upon  the  momentous  issues  involved  in  the  case  now  before 
you,  gentlemen,  it  will  be  for  you,  in  the  first  place,  to  say 

A  Juror  (rising  in  the  box).  Pardon  me,  my  Lord,  it  will  be  for 
you,  in  the  first  place,  to  say  whether  you  intend  to  hold  that  the 
communication  made  by  A.  to  B.  is  privileged  or  not.  (Slight 
applause  from  rest  of  panel. ) 

Mr.  Justice  Jawley  (rather  taken  aback).  I— er— well,  you  see, 
gentlemen,  I — I  was  coming  to  that  in  due  course;  but  if  you 
prefer  me  to  deal  with  it  now,  I  may  tell  you  that  there  is  a  case 
which  settles  the  law  upon  that  point  conclusively.  In  Tomkyns  v. 
Trout  it  was  laid  down  by  no  less  an  authority  than  Mr.  Justice 

Foreman  of  the  Jury  (interrupting).  Your  Lordship  is  evidently 
unaware  that  Tomkyns  v.  Trout— which  I  may  mention  for  your 
Lordship's  guidance  is  reported  in  10  Queen's  Bench  Division, 
page  392— has  since  been  over-ruled  in  the  Court  of  Appeal,  see 
2  Appeal  Cases,  New  Series,  page  1263. 

Mr.  Justice  Jawley  (rubbing  his  spectacles,  nervously).  Oh, 
indeed,  indeed— er — yes— thank  you  very  much.  I  had  overlooked 
that,  but  I  dare  say  the  Foreman  of  the  jury  is  quite  right.  Well, 
then— let  me  see— where  was  I  ?  Oh,  yes,  I  remember.  This  action 
is  one  brought  for  the  express  purpose 

Another  Juryman.  Pardon  the  interruption,  my  Lord,  but  my  col- 
leagues in  the  box  and  myself  are  all  agreed  that  it  would  be  sheer 
waste  of  time  to  go  into  that  matter,  and  travel  all  over  the  same 
ground  again.  We  know  perfectly  well  what  the  action  is  all  about. 
We  are  only  waiting  to  know  if  your  Lordship  has  any  new  light  to 
throw  upon  the  subject.  We  do  not  suppose  you  have.  Still,  we  are 
willing  to  wait  and  see. 

Mr.  Justice  Jawley.  I — I  thank  you.  The  question  of  privilege 
is,  of  course,  one  for  me  to  decide,  and  I  have  no  hesitation  in  hold- 
ing that,  on  the  authority  ot  Baker  v.  Johnson 

A  Juror  (from  the  back  of  the  box).  Then  what  about  Somers 
v.  Smart  P 

His  Lordship.  Really,  really,  gentlemen,  this  is  most  irregular. 
If  you  will  kindly  permit  me  to  sum  up  this  case  in  the  ordinary 
way — thank  you.  Perhaps  I  had  better  first  deal  with  the  testimony 
given  by  the  witness  C.  He  is  a  clerk  in  the  employ  of  the  Plaintiff, 
and  what  he  says,  in  effect,  is  this,  that  on  receipt  of  the — — 

Foreman  of  the  Jury.  We  need  not  trouble  your  Lordship  on  that 
point.  It  would  not  in  any  case  be  evidence  against  the  Defendant. 

Mr-.  Justice  Jawley  (surprised).  Bat  if  his  act  was  within  the 
scope  of  his  authority 

Foreman  (imperturbably).  It  wasn't.  It  was  ultra  vires.  See 
Bryoe,  page  1408. 

His  Lordship  (bursting  into  tears).  Then,  perhaps,  Gentlemen, 
you  had  better  take  this  matter  entirely  into  your  own  hands ;  I 
teem  to  be  quite  superfluous  here. 

Foreman  (in  kindly  tones).  Oh,  I  don't  know  that.  Your  Lord- 
ship certainly  is  a  trifle  obsolete— a  fact  to  which,  I  fear,  we  shall 


have  to  call  attention  in  a  rider  to  any  verdict  we  may  return. 
Perhaps  we  had  better  settle  the  matter  without  TOU. 

[They  retire  to  consider  their  verdict,  tvhilst'M.r.  Justice  JAWLEI 
is  removed  from  the  Bench  in  a  state  of  collapse. 


NOTES  OF  AN  AFTERNOON'S  "AMUSEMENT." 

WIND  blowing  a  hurricane,  with  occasional  heavy  showers.  Still, 
it  won't  do  not  to  appear  at  the  "  meet "  of  the  bicycle  paper-chase 
in  which  the  JONESES  have  asked  me  to  take  part.  -  Accordingly, 
mount  my  machine  and  ride  through  three  miles  of  mud.  Find 
about  two  dozen  riders  assembled  at  the 
meet,  including  four  or  five  ladies ;  like- 
wise a  crowd  of  rustics,  who  greet  each 
fresh  arrival  with  loud  cheers  and  personal 
remarks.  Some  delay  in  starting  the 
hares.  There  were  to  have  been  an  'are 
and  'aress,  but  the  latter  declines  to  go, 
eo  a  gentleman  takes  her  place.  At  last  , 
the  hares  ride  off  amid  a  whirlwind  of  / 
scraps  of  paper.  Ten  minutes'  "law"  to  ' 
be  given  them— great  excitement.  Forty- 
five  seconds  before  we  are  to  start,  Miss 
BROWN  asks  me  kindly  to  inflate  her  tyre 
for  her.  lief  use  firmly.  Starter  drop?  a 
flag,  and  a  seething  mass  of  bicycles  rushes 
headlong  downhilL  C»n  only  eicape  col- 
lision by  a  miracle.  Miss  BROWN  charges 
straight  for  my  hind-wheel.  Elude  her, 
and  in  so  doing  nearly  knock  over  several 
others.  More  bumps  from  behind.  Wish^that  I  had  one  of  the 
insurance-newspapers  in  my  pocket,  expecting  every  minute  to  be 
smashed  up.  However,  we  all  get  away  somehow. 

Road  going  uphill  now,  with  gale  full  in  our  faces,  should  like  to 
walk  up  this  hill,  but  too  proud  to  do  so.  Glance  at  the  faces  of  my 
fellow-"  hounds"  nearest  me.  They  don't  look  as  if  they  were  enjoying 
themselves.  One  unknown  gentleman  wastes  his  breath  in  talking  to 
his  bike  as  if  it  were  a  horse.  "  Come  up,  you  beast.  .  .  Would  you, 
then.  .  .  Came  «£>,  confound  you."  Just  in  front  is  a  curate,  with  a 
very  hi<h  stiff  white  collar ;  as  we  proceed,  collar  gets  gradually  limper. 
Still  going  uphill.  Wind  worse  than  ever.  Begin  to  wish  to  exchange 
present  position  for  a  nice  omfortable  treadmill.  Someone  asks  mo 
if  I  have  *'  seen  any  scent."  Tell  him  not  to  be  a  fool.  Afterwards 
discover  that  the  paper  dropped  by  the  hares  is  called  "  scent."  .  .  . 
Still  going  uphill.  Ask  a  rustic  whether  he  has  seen  the  hares. 
Idiot  answers,  "Naw,  an'  naw  rabbuts  neither."  Reach  cross-roads. 
Which  way  are  we  to  turn  ?  Refuse  to  ride  against  this  wind  aiy 
longer,  and  so  make  off  to  the  right.  Presently  find  that  right  is 
wrong,  and  have  to  come  back  again.  Why,  everyone  has  stopped— 
has  anyone  been  killed  ?  No,  the  hares  have  been  caught.  Fresh 
pair  despatched.  Stragglers  come  up  from  behind.  Everyone  dis- 
mounts, and  says  what  a  delightful  ride  we  are  having.  Wish  I 
knew  the  way  home. 

Off  again,  still  uphill.  "Hounds"  go  off  in  every  direction, 
intending,  I  expect,  to  sneak  home.  Suddenly  the  chain  of  one 
machine  breaks  in  half,  with  surprising  results.  Another  gentleman 
takes  a  corner  toi  sharply,  comes  down  and  cuts  himself  badly.  In- 
terval for  refreshment  and  bjndages.  Only  four  of  us  together  by 
this  time,  the  rest  scattered  all  over  the  county,  trying  to  find  their 
way  home.  The  hares,  as  we  learn  subsequently,  almost  kill  them- 
selves by  racing  for  about  twenty  miles,  laying  elaborate  false  tracks, 
and  riding  at  their  utmost  speed.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  no  one  at  all 
is  now  pursuing  them.  Those  of  us  whose  machines  haven't  been 
smashed  up  ride  slowly  home.  The  remains  of  one  are  left  at  the 
nearest  house,  to  be  forwarded  by  Parcel  Post.  Am  nearly  killed 
by  my  companion  mistaking  her  right  hand  for  her  left  on  the  way 
tiome.  However,  we  get  back  at  last,  and  the  rest  straggle  in  at 
intervals.  Then  we  drink  to  the  success  of  the  glorious  sport  of 
bicycle  paper- chasing. 

Pity  a  Poor  (Liberal)  Leader. 

(By  one  who,  if  not  the  Rose  (bery),  has  been  near  it.) 

DEAR  me !  I  had  thought  that  the  public  was  quite 
In  love  with  Arnoldian  "  Sweetness  and  Light " ; 
But  /  seem  to  put  the  quidnuncs  in  a  twitter, 
Unless— as  a  speaker — I'm  "  Heavy  and  Bitter." 


THE  NEW  CAMPUS  MARTIXTS.—  Judging  by  the  Daily  Telegraph, 
our  War  Correspondent"  stops  at  home  to  report  on  the  troops 

starting  for  the  battle-field.     It  may  therefore  he  laid  down  that 

inspection  is  the  better  part  of  valour. 

A  SPBIN«  EXHIBITION. — A  cat  jumping  over  a  wall. 


MAY  9,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


217 


HISTORY  AT  THE  ROYAL 
ACADEMY. 

SCENE  —  Burlington  House. 
Two  Critics  before  the 
Picture  of  the  Year. 

Male  Critic.  Now,  this  is 
quite  the  best  thing  in  the 
show,  in  my  opinion. 

Female  Critic.  Oh,  yes ; 
very  good  indeed.  But  I  have 
lost  my  catalogue— what  is  it 
about? 

M.  Cri.  Scarcely  wants  any 
description,  as  it  tells  its  own 
story.  Don't  you  see  RICHABD 
THE  THIBD  is  wooing  the  late 
Quf  en  ? 

Fern.  Cri.  Oh,  yes.  And 
who  was  the  late  King  P 
"Wasn't  it  HENBY  THE  FIFTH  ? 

M.  Cri.  Was  it  ?  I  almost 
forget.  But  didn't  he  win  the 
Battle  of  Agincourt  ? 

Fern.  Cri.  Yes,  and  that's 
where  he  killed  RICHABD  THE 
THIBD.  Don't  you  remember, 
he  cried  out  for  a  horse  ? 

M.  Cri.  To  be  sure.  But 
if  RICHABD  THE  THIRD  was 
killed  by  HENBT  THE  FIFIH, 
how  could  he  be  attending  his 
conqueror's  funeral  ?  That 
sounds  wrong  somehow. 

Fern.  Cri.  Not  if  the  subject 
i«  taken  from  SHAKSPEABE. 
Wouldn't  that  be  called 
"poetic  licence"  ? 

M.  Cri.  When  one  comes  to 
think  of  it,  I  suppose  it  would. 
And  then  you  see  they  are  off 
to  HENBY  THE  FIFTH'S  Chapel 
at  Westminster  Abbey. 


SONS    OF   THE    POETICAL    MUSE. 

Robinson.  "  OH  YES,  \VE  'vis  GOT  PLENTY  OF  PROMISING  YOUNG  BAUDS. 

WHY,  THERE  *S  THE  SON  OF  DAVID,  AND  THE  SON  OF  WAT,  AND  THE  SON 
OF  TBOMP,  AND  THE  SON  OF  DOB;  NOT  TO  MENTION  THE  SON  OF  ROBIN, 
IF  I  MAY  MAKE  SO  BOLD  1  " 

Grigson.  "AND  THE  SON  OF  GRIG!    BUT  NONE  OF  us  WILL  EVER  QUITE 

COME  UP  TO  THE  SON  OF  TaNKY .'" 


Fern.  Cri.  HENBT  THE 
SEVENTH  you  mean ,  Of  course, 
how  silly  we  have  been !  It  is 
HENBY  THE  SEVENTH'S  fune- 
ral—not HENBY  THE  FIFTH'S  ! 
And  I  suppose  the  lady  to  whom 
RICHABD  is  speaking  must  be 
one  of  HENRY'S  Uueens. 

M.  Cri.  His  widow,  of  course 
— CATHEBINE  PABB.  You  re- 
member she  survived  him.  But 
what  is  RICHABD  THE  THIBD 
doing  with  her  ? 

Fern.  Cri.  He  was  Duke  of 
GLOUCESTER  then,  because 
surely  MAR  Y  came  after  HENBY 
THE  EIGHTH.  Didn't  she  ? 
And  wasn't  HENBY  THE 
EIGHTH  the  Royal  Bluebeard  ? 

M.  Cri.  Ab,  to  be  sure,  FO 
he  was!  Then  it  wouldn't 
have  been  his  funeral. 

Fern.  Cri.  No,  perhaps  not. 
But,  ^  whoever  it  is,  the  pic- 
ture is,  as  you  say,  capital. 

M.  Cri.  No  doubt  about 
that.  And  it  doesn't  matter 
which  King  it  is,  considering 
he  is  dead. 

Fern.  Cri.  Yes.  Aid  git  is 
better  he  should  be  dead,  when 
his  widow  so  soon  commences  a 
flirtation  I  [The  Critics  pass 
on,  and  the  scene  closes 
with  a  chorus  of  approval. 


F  BENCH  INFLUENCE  AGAIN. 
—An  important  member  of  the 
Burmese  troupe  at  the  Crystal 
Palace  is  a  caster  of  horo- 
scopes. His  name  is  MOUNG 
GYEE.  Surely  it  should  be 
MOUNG  SEES. 


CONDENSED  CONFIDENCE. 

(For  Ladies  only.) 

DEABEST  ETHELINDA, — Your  reproaches  are  not  wholly  reasonable. 
I  have  been  silent  because  I  natter  myself  that  I  am  not  an  idle 
tittle-tattler.  Mon  verre  n'est  pas  grand,  mais  je  bois  dans  mon 
verre.  In  a  word,  I  am  not  chiffonniere  to  the  extent  of  some  of  my 
colleagues,  who  think  nothing  of  intruding  themselves  unbidden 
into  circles  with  which  Ihey  have  neither  scot  nor  lot.  There  is  Mrs. 
FBOUFROU-DABB,  for  instance,  of  The  Grand  Duchess  (her  nom  de 
plume  is  "  Sweet  Seventeen,"  though  to  my  certain  knowledge  she 
has  worn  a  toupet  for  a  quarter  of  a  century),  she  presented  herself 
at  the  Count*  s*  of  COCKALEEKIE'S  reception  the  other  night  without 
having  icceiyed  the  necessary  card  of  invitation,  and  by  her  Fouche- 
like  proceedings  was  enabled  to  give  a  tolerably  correct  account  of 
the  toilettes  which  foregathered.  But  how  she  could  have  been 
deceived  by  Lady  SHUTTLI  COCK'S  tiara  of  false  diamonds  passes  my 
understanding !  It  is  well  known  that  the  real  stones  have  for  long 
been  in  the  custody  of  that  eminent  judge  of  gems  Mr.  MEDICI 
KONK,  most  of  whose  unredeemed  pledges  of  misplaced  confidence 
are  well  worth  the  attention  of  artistic  connoisseurs.  On  my  last 
visit  to  his  establishment  (I,  of  course,  did  not  wish  to  consult  him 

professionally)  I  was  especially  attracted  by *  However,  to 

revert  to  Mrs.  FROUFBOU-DABB,  I  can  only  suppose  that  sooner  OT 
later  she  will  reap  the  reward  of  her  outrecuidance,  and  be  forcibly 
removed  from  some  fashionable  assembly  by  one  of  those  chasseurs 
(dear  Lord  ABTHUB  calls  them  in  his  quaint  old  patois  "  chuckers- 
out")  who  guard  the  portals  of  the  stately  homes  of  England. 

"BLABETTE,"  of  The  Peri— her  real  name  is  MABY  ANNE 
WINKLE  -  is,  to  my  mind,  quite  as  impertinentlv  obtrusive  as  is 
Mrs.  DABB,  only  her  method  is  quite  different.  Mrs.  F.  D.  (quelle 
decadence  de  nom!)  is  a  sort  of  female  Prince  RUPEBT,  and 
charges  into  the  ranks  of  Society  on  the  slightest  provocation  •  Miss 
WINKLE  subdues  opposition  by  the  feigned  artlessness  of  the  in- 
genue. She  manages,  by  her  time-serving  humility,  to  scrape 
acquaintance  with  the  great  and  omnipotent.  She  began  by  in- 
triguing at  charity  bazaars,  where  she  would  work  for  the  Duchesses 

*  Mr.  MEDICI  KONK.  is  an  old  and  valued  friend  of  ours,  and  we  are  sure 
that  he  would  be  the  first  to  protest  against  the  disclosing  of  the  secrets  of 
his  jewel  house.  "We  have  therefore  suppressed  our  correspondent's  sub- 
sequent reference  to  his  stock-in-trade.— ED. 


and  other  eminent  stall-holders  like  a  slave  born  and  bred,  and 
never  tired  of  going  about  with  sofa  cushions  and  smoking-caps  for 
the  (illegal)  purpose  of  a  raffle.  Papa,  who  is  rather  myope,  says 
that  she  is  pretty,  with  a  Greuze  expression.  I  suggested  that  he 
was  an  excellent  judge  of  painting,  as  applied  to  the  fair  sex. 
could  tee  that  he  quailed  beneath  my  repartee,  though  he  answered 
"  Charity  begins  at  home,"  one  of  those  pitiful  thrusts  which  only  a 
father,  and  that  father  an  Englishman,  could  direct  against  his  own 
flesh  and  blood.  I  sarcastically  recommended  him  to  get  a  new 
lorgnon  from  the  eminent  Mr.  SEEBBIGHT,*  and  so  the  matter  ended. 
Meanwhile  Miss  WINKLE  pursues  her  career  of  sycophant  prying 
with  a  success  which  may  be  accounted  for  by  her  too  frequent  praise 
of  the  doings  and  raiment  of  certain  grandes  dames,  whose  good 
nature  has  been  exploited  at  the  expense  of  good  grammar.  I  could 
give  you  a  dozen  instances,  ma  mie,  of  the  way  in  which  an  honour- 
able profession  is  degraded  to  the  level  of  a  self-assertive  trade, 
which  is  brought  before  the  public  by  a  ravenous  m&ute  of  female 
Paul  Prys.  For  myself,  I  am  conscious  that,  when  I  am  privileged 
to  record  the  exquisite  taste  of  this  or  that  chatelaine  of  our  Jin- 
de-siccle  masurs,  1  am  as  impartial  as  when  I  am  devoting  my  time, 
my  pen,  my  paper  and  my  brains  to  the  judicious  exaltation  of 
some  hard-working  sister,  whose  name  is  not,  and  cannot  be,  asso- 
ciated with  the  Court  Circular. 

Ever,  dear,  Your  loving  Cousin,         EADJ. 

*  "We  have  substituted  the  name  of  our  own  oculist,  as  in  duty  bound,  for 
that  of  the  optician  recommended  by  KADJ. — ED. 


THE  HAIR  UN-APPABENT. — 2.  propos  of  the  Wyndham  celebration 
last  week,  there  appeared  in  the  Westminster  Gazette  for  Saturday, 
May  2,  a  portrait  of  the  actor  "  in  the  uniform  of  the  U.  S.  Army," 
which  was  described  as  "  an  early  photograph."  The  photo  was  so 
early  and  so  rapid,  that  the  likeness  was  produced  with  only  half  a 
moustache;  the  other  half  probably  not  having  had  time  to  grow 
during  the  operation.  This  deficiency  allows  the  future  comedian  to 
exhibit  more  cheek  than  would  have  been  otherwise  shown ;  and  this, 
perhaps,  may  be  characteristic. 

ELECTION  INTELLIGENCE.— Mr.  BABLOW  is  standing  for  Frome.  It 
is  to  be  hoped  that  Messrs.  SAJTDFOBD  and  MEBTON  will  enable  theii 
old  friend  to  obtain  a  seat. 


YOL,  ex. 


218 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAT  9,  1896 


r^  |0 

*J"J  S 

K^  M 

CO    ^  S 

U  o 

^  ^ 

O  ^ 
O 


^  I  I 

3  g  J 


111 


^ 

I 


MAT  9,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


219 


GREAT   SELF-RESTRAINT. 

Lady  in  Pony -cart  (who  TIMS  made  several  unsuccessful  attempts  to  pass  persevering  beginner  occupying  the  whole  road).  "^UNLESS  YOU 

SOON  FALL  OFF,    SlB,    I  'jl  AFRAID   I   SHALL  MISS  MY  TRAIN  I  " 


LATEST  STYLE  IN  MUSICAL  CRITICISM.* 

MY  readers  will  doubtless  expect  from  me  a  fall  account  of  Herr 
THUMPOFFSKI'S  opening:  concert.  It  took  place  on  Tuesday  last,  and 
on  ihat  evening  I  had  dined  at  the  house  of  an  hospitable  friend, 
who  insisted,  however,  on  my  eating*  supreme  de  volatile — a  dish 
which  never  did  agree  with  me.  Why  is  it  that  an  ordinary  English 
cook,  &c.,  &o.  .  .  .  (A  lengthy  gastronomic  paragraph  ts  omitted 
here.)  ...  So  it  was  in  rather  an  un amiable  frame  of  mind  that  I 
betook  myse'.f  about  nine  o'clock  to  St.  James's  Hall,  intending  to 
hear  the  last  half  of  the  programme.  The  cab  in  which  I  made 
my  journey  almost  ran  over  a  passing  bicyclist.  In  my  opinion, 
bicyclists,  &c.  .  .  .  (The  question  is  discussed  here  at  some  length.) 
,  .  .  But  to  resume  my  account  of  the  concert.  I  worked  my  way 
carefully  to  my  stall,  and  began  to  look  around  me.  In  front  was  an 
old  lady  with  a  peculiarly  hideous  red  dress.  That  particular  shade 
always  makes  me  quite  ill.  Just  behind  me  two  young  ladies  dis- 
cussed between  the  pieces  the  ethics  cf  flirtation  with  charming 
candour  .  .  .  (A  full  report  of  their  conversation  follows.)  .  . .  Then 
I  betook  myself  to  the  study  of  my  programme.  Before  I  had 
arrived  someone  had  sung,  "  Waft  Her,  Angela."  Now,  although 
I  hate  digressions,  I  must  be  allowed  to  quote  a  charming  story  I 
heard  lately  in  connection  with  that  aria.  .  .  .  (Twenty  lines  of 
vapid  anecdote  are  here  omitted,)  .  .  .  The  British  Public  likes 
HANDEL,  which  is  only  another  proof  of  the  British  Public's  folly. 
.  .  .  (The  superior  merits  of  the  Wagner  school  are  here  demon- 
strated at  some  length.)  .  .  .  But  all  through  the  evening  I  felt 
displeased  with  my  environment.  Was  I  influenced  by  the  supreme 
de  volaille  f  Suddenly  I  seemed  to  see  ...  (Thirty  lines  are  here 
dtleted.)  .  .  .  Anyhow,  when  I  awoke,  &o.,  &c.  .  .  .  (Twenty  lines 
of  reflections  on  dream  omitted.}  .  .  .  Still  musing  upon  it,  1  lit  my 
cigarette  •  and,  squeezing  my  way  with  some  difficulty  through  the 
crowd  of  Philistines,  left  the  Hall,  and  went  home  to  bed. 

Such  was  Professor  THUMPOFFSKI'S  first  concert;  and,  if  I  have 
seemed  to  describe  it  at  unreasonable  length,  it  is  only  because 

*  We  have  found  it  necessary  to  make  a  few  excisions  in  this  article. 
The  nature  of  the  om lesions  is  noted  in  the  course  of  it. — ED. 


I  with  it  to  be  clearly  understood  that  it  was  momentous-^-an 
artistic  event  of  the  first  magnitude.  Prolixity  well  may  be  forgiven 
when  its  cause  is  the  advancement  of  Art. 

I  almost  forgot  to  mention  that  some  people,  whose  names  I  forget, 
played  the  piano,  and  sang,  in  the  course  of  the  evening. 


JOURNALISM  MADE  EASY. 

Advice  to  Nonces. — Always  have  on  hand  "  paragraphs" ;  thus  :  — 

(1)  "  Yesterday  being  the  (here  fill  in  number)  anniversary  of  the 
natal  day  of  H.lt.H.  (insert  name  of  Personage),  a  Royal  Salute 
was  fired  in  the  Long  Walk  of  Windsor  Park,  and  the  bells  of  St. 
George's  Chapel  rang  out  a  merry  peal." 

Mem.— Vary  with  "  The  Royal  borough  was  en  fete,"  and  describe 
weather. 

(2)  "The  noblemen  and  gentlemen  who  are   students  at  Eton 
College  have  broken  up  for  the  (Christmas,  Easter,  or  Midsummer) 
vacation.    The  collegians  reassemble  on  (give  date)." 

Mem.— Vary  with,  "  The  school  list  now  includes  a  roll-call  of 
(give  number)  Oppidans  and  King's  Scholars." 

(3)  "  According  to  ancient  custom  the  Queen's  Bounty  was  yester- 
day (Maunday  Thursday)  distributed  to  a  number  of  deserving  poor 

Krsons  by  (give    name    of  almoner)  at    the    Chapel    Royal,  St. 
me»'s.    The  little  silver  coins  commanded  a  ready  sale  outside  the 
sacred  edifice." 

Mem.— Occasionally  describe  purchasers  of  coins  as  "travelled 
Americans,"  and  "ardent  numismatists." 

(4)  "As  usual,  Lord  Mayor's  Day  and  the  Prince  of  WALES' s 
Birthday  were  celebrated  together;  and,  in  honour  of  the  latter 
event,  many  of  the  leading  tradesmen  of  the  West-End  displayed 
brilliant  illuminations  to  the  thousands  who  thronged  the  streets. 
We  especially  noticed  the  decorations  presented  by  (here  give  selected 
names)" 

Mem. — The  devices  being  always  the  same,  it  is  as  well  not  to'give 
too  minute  a  description  of  the  designs ;  but  a  great  deal  may  be  left 
to  the  imagination. 


220 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAT  9,  1896. 


JOTTINGS    AND   TITTLINGS. 

(BY  BABOO  HUBBY  BTTNGSHO  JABBEBJEE,  B.A.) 
No.  XII. 

Mr.  Jabberfee  is  taken  by  surprise. 

DILIGENT  perusers  of  my  lucubrations  to  Punch  will  remember 
that  I  have  devoted  sundry  jots  and  tittles  to  the  subject  of  Miss 
JESSIMINA  MANKLETOW,  and  already  may  have  concluded  that  I  was 
long  since  up  to  the  hilt  in  the  tender  passion.  In  this  deduction, 
however,  they  would  have  manufactured  a  stentorian  cry  from  an 
extreme  paucity  of  wool;  the  actual  fact  being  that,  although 
percipient  of  the  well-proportionate  lymmetry  of  her  person  and  the 
ladylike  liveliness  of  her  deportment,  I  did  never  regard  her  except 
with  eyes  of  strictly  platonic  philandering  and  calf  love. 

It  is  true  that,  at  certain 
seasons,  the  ostentatious 
favours  she  would  squander 
upon  other  young  masculine 
boarders  in  my  presence  did 
reduee  me  to  the  doleful 
dump  of  despair,  so  that 
even  the  birds  and  beasts  of 
forest  shed  tears  at  my 
misery,  and  frequently  at 
meal-times  I  have  sought  to 
move  her  to  compassion  by 
neighing  like  horse,  or  by 
the  incessant  rolling  of  my 
visual  organs;  though  she 
did  only  attribute  such  ad 
mitericordiam  appeals  to  the 
excessive  gravity  of  the 
cheet  e,  or  the  immaturity  of 
the  rhubarb  pie. 

But  I  was  then  a  labourer 
under  the  impression  that  I 
was  the  odd  man  out  of  her 
affections,  and  it  is  well 
known  that,  to  a  sensitive, 
it  is  intolerable  to  feel  that 
oneself  is  not  the  object  of 
adoration,  even  to  one  to 
whom  we  may  entertain  but 
a  mediocre  attraction. 

On  a  recent  evening  we 
had  a  tete-a-tete  which  cul- 
minated in  the  utter  surprise. 
It  was  the  occasion  of  our 
hebdomadal  dancing  -  party 
at  Porticobello  House,  and  I 
had  solicited  her  to  become 
a  co-pattner  with  myself  in 
the  maziness  of  a  waltz; 
but,  not  being  the  carpet- 
knight,  and  consequently 
treading  the  measure  with 
too  great  frequency  upon  the 
toes  of  my  fair  auxiliary, 
she  suggested  a  temporary 
withdrawal  from  circulation. 

To  which  I  assenting,  she 
conducted  me  to  a  landing 
whereon  was  a  email  glazed 
apartment,  screened  by  hang- 


illumination,  and  upon  her  cheeks  was  a  bloom  brighter  than  many 
geraniums.  But  this  compliment  she  unhappily  mistook  as  an  in- 
sinuation that  her  complexion  was  of  meretricious  composition,  and 
seeing  that  I  had  put  my  foot  into  a  cul-de-sac,  I  became  once  more 
the  silent  tomb,  and  exhaled  sighs  at  intervals. 

Presently  she  declared  once  more  that  she  saw,  from  the  dullness 
of  my  expression,  that  I  was  longing  for  the  luxurious  magnificence 
of  my  Indian  palace. 

Now  my  domestic  abode,  though  a  respectable  spacious  sort  of 
residence,  and  containing  my  father,  mother,  married  brothers,  &c., 
together  with  a  few  antique  unmarried  aunts,  is  not  at  all  of  a 
palatial  architecture;  but  it  is  a  bad  bird  that  blackens  his  own 
nest,  and  so  I  merely  answered  that  I  was  now  so  saturated  with 
Western  civilisation,  that  I  had  lost  all  taste  for  Oriental  splendours. 
t  Next  she  inquired  whether  I  did  not  miss  the  tiger-shooting  and 
pig-stioiing;  and  I  replied  (with  voraciousness,  since  I  am  not  the 

au  fait  in  such  sports)  that  I 
could  not  deny  a  liability  to 
miss  both  tigers  and  pigs, 
and,  indeed,  all  animals  that 
were  fera  naturce,  and  she 
condemned  the  hazardous- 
ness  of  these  jungle  sports, 
and  wished  me  to  promise 
that  I  would  abstain  from 
them  on  my  return  to  India. 
To  this  I  replied  that  be- 
fore I  agreed  to  such  a  self- 
denying  ordinance,  I  desired 
to  be  more  convinced  of  the 
sincerity  of  her  interest  in 
the^  preservation  of  my 
humble  existence. 

Miss  JESSIMINA  asked 
what  had  she  done  that  I 
should  be  in  dnbitation  as 
to  her  bona  fides  f 

Then  I  did  meekly  remind 
her  of  her  flirtatious  pref- 
erences for  the  young  beef- 
witted  London  chaps,  and 
her  incertitude  and  disdain- 
ful oapriciousness  towards 
myself,  who  was  not  a  beetle- 
head  or  an  obtuse,  but  a 
cultivated  native  gentleman 
with  high -class  university 
degree,  and  an  oratorical 
(low  of  language  which  was 
infallibly  to  land  me  upon 
the  pinnacle  of  some  tip-top 
judicial  preferment  in  the 
Calcutta  High  Court  of 
Justice. 

She  made  the  excuse  that 
she  was  compelled  by  finan- 
cial reasons  to  be  pleasant  to 
the  male  boarders,  and  that 
I  c  ould  not  expect  any  m  arked 
favouritism  so  long  as  I  kept 


"  I  became  once  more  the  silent  tomb." 


my  tongue  concealed  inside 
my  damask  cheek  like  a 
worm  in  bud. 

Upon  which,  transported 
by  uncontrollable  emotion,  I 
ventured  to  embrace  her, 

ings  and  furnished  with  a  profusion  of  unproductive  pots,  which  is  assuring  her  that  she  was  the  cynosure  of  my  neighbouring  eyes, 
styled  the  conservatory,  and  here  we  did  sit  upon  two  wicker- worked  j  and  supplied  the  vacuum  and  long-felt  want  of  my  soul,  and  while 
chairs,  and  for  a  while  were  mutually  sotto  voce.  occupied  in  imprinting  a  chaste  salute  upon  her  rosebud  lips— who  'd 

Presently  I,  remarking  with  corner  of  eye  the  sumptuousnees  of  have  thought  it  I  her  severe  matronly  parent  popped  in  through  the 
her  appearance,  and  the  supercilious  indifference  of  her  demeanour,  curtains  and,  surveying  me  with  a  cold  and  basilican  eye,  did  demand 
which  made  it  seem  totally  improbable  that  she  should  ever,  like  my  intentions. 


Desdemona,  seriously  incline  to  treat  me  as  an  Othello,  commenced 
to  heave  the  sighs  of  a  fire- stove,  causing  Miss  JESSIMINA  to  accuse 


Nor  can  I  tell  what  I  should  have  responded,  seeing  that  I  had 
acted  from  momentary  impulsiveness  and  feminine  encouragement, 


me  of  desiring  myself  in  India.  had  not  Miss  JESSIMINA,  with  ready-made  female  wit,  answered  for 

I  denied  this  with  native  hyperbolism,  saying  that  I  was  content !  me  that  it  was  all  right,  and  that  we  were  the  engaged  couple.  ^ 
to  remain  in  statu  quo  until  the  doom  cracked,  and  that  the  con-       But  her  mother  expressed  an  ardent  desire  to  hear  my  viva  voce 
servatory  was  for  me  the  equivalent  of  Paradise.  oorroboration  of  this  statement,  informing  me  that  she  was  but  a 

She  replied  that  its  similitude  to  Paradise  would  be  more  poor  weak  widow-woman,  but  that,  if  it  should  appear  that  I  was 
startling  if  a  larger  proportion  of  the  pots  had  contained  plants,  and  !  merely  the  giddy  trifler  of  her  daughter's  young,  artless  affections, 
if  such  plants  as  there  were  had  not  fallen  into  such  a  lean  and  j  it  would  be  her  dolesome  duty  to  summon  instantaneously  every 
slippered  stage  of  decrepitude,  adding  that  she  did  perpetually  urge  male  able-bodied  inmate  of  her  establishment,  and  request  them  to 
her  mamma  to  incur  the  expense  of  some  geranium-blooms  and  a  few  inflict  deserved  corporal  chastisement  upon  my  person  1 
fairy-lamps,  but  she  had  refused  to  run  for  such  adornments.  So,  although  still  of  a  twitter  with  amazement  at  Miss  JESSIMINA'S 

And  I,  with  spontaneous  gallantry,  retorted  that  she  was  justified   announcement,  I  considered  it  the  better  part  of  valour  to  corrobo- 
m  such  parsimony,  since  her  daughter's  eyes  supplied  such  fairy  rate  it  with  promptitude,  rather  than  incur  the  shocking  punches 


MAY  9,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


221 


and  kicks  of  numerous  athletic  young  com- 
mercials; and,  upon  hearing  the  piece  of 
good  news,  Mrs.  MANKLETOW  exploded  into 
lachrymalion,  saying  that  the  was  divested 
of  narrow-minded  racial  colour  prejudices, 
and  had  from  the  first  regarded  me  as  a 
beloved  son. 

Then,  blessing  me,  and  calling  me  her 
Boy,  she  clasped  me  against  her  boeom, 
where,  owing  to  the  exuberant  redundancy 
of  her  ornamental  jetwork,  my  nose  and  chin 
received  severe  laceration  and  disfigurement, 
which  I  endured  courageously,  without  a 
whimper. 

When  I  have  grown  more  accustomed  to 
being  the  lucky  dog,  I  shall  commence  coeka- 
hooping,  and  become  merry  as  a  grig.  At 
the  present  moment  I  am  only  capable  of 
wonderment  at  the  unpremeditated  rapidity 
with  which  such  solemn  concerns  as  betrothals 
are  knocked  oil'  in  this  country. 

Bat  if,  as  Macbeth  says,  such  jobs  are  to 
le  done  at  all,  then  it  is  well  they  were  done 
quickly.  

SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

A  LA\VN  TENNIS  MARTTTR  WITH  REFERENCE 
TO  "THAT  MAN." 

THE  net  is  ready  for  the  fray, 

(The  first  of  all  the  year,) 
I  wait  to  hear  your  ciy  of  "  Play  " 

To  "  take  "  the  bounding  sphere. 
Yet  why  is  it  you  won't  begin  ? 

Have  you  some  other  plan  ? 
Does  it  amuse  you  there  to  ipin 

Your  racquet  round  That  Man  ? 

The  lazy  looseness  of  your  dress 

Belies  your  active  wrist ; 
Not  Atalanta's  suppleness 

Could  serve  your  cunning  "  twist." 
And  still  without  a  sign  of  you 

That  empty  court  I  scan  ; 
It 's  not  a  pleasant  sight  to  view 

When  bounded  by  That  Man. 

I  pat  the  ball  aloft  for  fun, 

A  cut  or  two  I  try, 
But  "  single  dummy  "  soon  is  done 

When  "  double  dummy  "  's  nigh. 
Will  you  that  conference  not  end  \ — 

Your  bat  is  not  a  fan : — 
Now  speaking  to  you  as  a  friend, 

I  should  distrust  That  Man  I 

A  little  loon  with  curl'd  moustache, 

Of  no  athletic  type  1 
The  sort  of  cad,  who  talks  of  "  mash," 

And  dare  not  smoke  a  pipe ! 
At  last  you  'ye  finished !    Boy  1  the  ball ! 

Make  music,  great  god  Pan ! — 
Not  going  to  have  a  game  at  all! 

Tripp'd  off  I    And  with  That  Man  I 


"  WHAT  's  IN  A  NAME  ?  "  —  Sometimes 
there  is  something  in  a  name.  For  instance, 
the  picturesque  and  apparently  harmless  one 
of  Pentremoch,  a  village  in  Flintshire,  con- 
tains more  than  meets  the  eye  of  mortal  man 
unversed  in  the  Welsh  tongue  •  for  in  this 
language  "Pentremoch"  signifies  nothing 
lees  than  "  Pigs'  Village."  We  are  not  sur- 
prised to  learn,  therefore,  from  the  Liverpool 
Daily  Press,  that  the  inhabitants  of  the 
place  are  clamouring  at  their  Parish  Council 
to  "give  it  a  name"  other  than  its  present 
appellation.  Yet  "Pigs'  Village"  would 
teem  a  sufficiently  appropriate  name  for  a 
hamlet.  Perhaps,  when  tl Pentremoch"  is 
discarded,  it  may  still  find  a  resting-place 
and  "pan  out  well"  on  the  shores  of  Lake 
Michigan— as  a  synonym  for  "  Porkopoli§"  I 

UNLICENSED  PEDALLERS.— Cyclists. 


Passenger  (rising  politely).    "  EXCUSK  MB,    MUM,    Birr   DO   YOU   BSLIBVB    IN    WOMAN'S 
RIGHTS  ? " 

New  Woman,  "MOST  CERTAINLY  I  DO." 

Passenger  (resuming seat),   "On  WELL,  THEN  STAND  UP  FOB  'PM  I" 


TIPS  FOR  CRITICS. 

IF  you  want  a  great  casus  belh, 
If  you  would  ba  thumped  to  a  jelly, 

Just  dare  to  suggest 

That  the  greatest  and  best 
In  the  world  is  not  MARIE  CORELLI  I 
If  you  would  be  blown  from  a  cannon, 
Or  drowned  in  the  Thames  or  the  Shannon, 

Jnst  venture  to  hint 

That  in  all  British  print 
There 's  a  bigger  than  ROBERT  BUCHANAN  I 
But  if  you  'd  be  ranked  with  old  buffers, 
And  solace  a  Public  which  suffers 

From  egotists'  "blow," 

Just  successfully  show 
They  're  a  couple  of  quarrelsome  duffers  I 
Then  ROB  will  be-rate  and  be-yelp  you, 
Then  MARIE  will  scout,  scold,  and  skelp  you ; 

Whilst  people  of  sense, 

With  compassion  immense, 
Most  devoutly  will  pray  "  heaven  help  you  I " 


FORTHCOMING  WORK  ON  DRAMA  OF  THE 
DAT.— The  Gusher  by  The  Geisha. 


CHARLES  OUR  FRIEND  1 

MR.  PUNCH  presents  his  congratulations  to 
Mr.  CHARLES  WYNDHAM  on  the  successful 
celebration  of  his  tercentenary— no,  that  was 
WILLIE  SnAKSPEARE-of  his  twentieth  year 
of  good  management.  He  should  have  waited 
just  another  twelvemonths  and  madeittwenty- 
one  years  completed.  But  at  all  events  Master 
CHARLEY  is  nowin  his  twenty- first  year,  which 
is  the  age  of  discretion.  Henceforth  he  will  be 
aresponeibleperson.  "Ite  ad  astro," CHARLES, 
and  take  your  place  among  the  theatrical 
stars :  a  first-class  place  of  which  you  may 
well  be  proud,  though  never  let  it  be  said, 
"CHARLES'S  Wainl"  and  may  the  day  be 
long  distant  when  CHARLES  is  on  the  wane. 
Prosit,  Magitter  Carolus  ! 

Epitaph  on  an  Artistic  Failure. 
MEN  taid  of  him  "  The  ball  was  at  his  feet," 
The  goal  (of  Art)  he  thought  ia  sight  he 

saw; 

Yet  in  life's  match  he  mostly  met  defeat 
And  ended  early  in  "  a  pointless  draw." 


222 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  9,  1896. 


^'fl^rv  %J»*>*NSN/A  .  -:*i  to 


CHANCE    PLAYMATES. 

(75°  in  «Ae  Shade.) 

Effie,  (to  Sight  Reverend  Stranger,  who  has  been  very  good-naturedly  playing  at  ball  with  her 
for  the  last  half -hour).  "AND  NOW  I  'VK  GOT  TO  GO  IN,  I'M  SOBBT  TO  SAY.  So  I  'M  AFRAID 
YOU  'LL  HAVB  TO  GO  ON  PLATING  AIL  BY  YOURSELF  1 " 


LONDON  LACKPENNY; 

OR,  THE  BITTER  CRY  OF  THE  RATE-CRUSHED 

COCKNEY. 
(A  very  long  way  after  John  Lydgate.) 

["  The  Bill  would  be  a  class  measure,  pure  and 
simple,  designed  to  benefit  one  peculiar  kind  of 
property  at  the  expense  of  all  others,  transferring 
the  burdens  of  one  class  to  the  shoulders  of  the 
general  community,  and  appropriating  national 
funds  now  enjoyed  by  the  whole  community." — 
Mr.  George  Whiteley  on  the  Agricultural  Land 
Eating  Bill.} 

IN  London  all  my  life  is  spent. 

Bat  trade  is  bad,  and  my  heart  doth  faint. 
I  am  eaten  up  by  my  rates  and  rent, 

And  in  vain  doth  a  Cockney  raise  complaint. 

A  poor  shopkeeper  should  be  a  saint. 


"  Pity  the  poor  I "  men  say,  indeed, 
But  for  lack  of  money  I  may  not  speed  I 

I  am  thrust  atide  the  press  among, 
For  I  am  not  forward  at  raising  a  row. 

The  working-man,  he  is  loud  and  strong. 
And  the  bumpkin  'a  good  at  the  big  bow- 
wow. 
Of  half  his  rates  they  'd  relieve  Ami  now. 

But  my  "  depression  "  they  do  not  heed, 

And  for  lack  of  money  I  may  not  speed  1 

Of  the  Rural  Ratepayer  they  raise  great  rout. 

But  the  Rural  Landlord  must  raise  his  rent  I 
So  I  more  money  must  fain  fork  out 

To  help  ratepayers  in  Surrey  and  Kent. 

I  must  pay  my  rates  and  appear  content. 
And  it  seems  a  hantle  of  theirs,  indeed, 
Though  for  lack  of  money  I  may  not  speed ! 


The  Stores  and  monopolists  play  it  low 
On  me,  till  my  trade  is  but  little  good. 

Yet  /must  pay  every  penny  I  owe. 
(By  the  living  Jingo,  I  wish  I  could  I) 
Keen  competition  and  trade  falsehood 

Grind  me  'twiit  out  and  co-operate  greed, 

Till  for  lack  of  money  I  may  not  speed  1 

Now  Mr.  CHAPLIN,  with  cheek  immenie, 

"Wants  me  to  plump  further  the  Chancellor  ie, 
Though  my  income-tax  is  at  present  eight 
«h-"ri»  pence  I 

-  But  none  of  the  bigwigs  regard  poor  me, 
For  I  do  not  kick  up  a  shine,  yon  see. 
If  I  do  not  holloa,  they  do  not  heed, 
Though  for  lack  of  money  I  may  not  speed ! 

At  Westminster  there  is  hardly  one 
Who  gives  the  poor  cockney  of  hope  a  ray. 

To  help  the  farmers  and  squires  it  fun, 
Whilst  I,  poor  pilgarlip.  must  up  and  pay  ! 
Or  the  rate-collector  will  have  his  way, 

And  my  last  half-crown,  or  my  goods,  indeed. 

Though  for  lack  of  money  I  may  not  speed  1 

Within  that  House  neither  Rad  nor  Tory 
Will  do  for  me  aught,  although  I  should  die. 

With  the  rural  lot  'tis  another  story, 
For  CHAPLIN  heedeth  the  country  cry ; 
And  I— poor  townsman— must  help  them ! 
—Why? 

My  back  is  well-nigh  broken,  indeed, 

And  for  lack  of  money  I  may  not  speed  I 


NOT  ON  VIEW  AT  THE  BERLIN 
EXHIBITION. 

COLLECTION  of  Brituh  Comic  Songs  on  the 
subject  of  the  EMPEROR'S  telegram  to  KRUGER. 

Press  cuttings  of  English  journals  com- 
menting on  the  KAISER'S  diplomacy. 

Answer  to  the  despatch  congratulating  Pro- 
fessor MAX  MULLER  on  the  success  of  Oxford 
in  the  boat-race. 

Original  of  the  letter  supposed  to  have  been 
written  by  one  Illustrious  Personage  to  another 
Illustrious  Personage  in  reply  to  an  alleged 
essay  on  "  The  Extraction  of  the  Yoke  of 
Eg«s  by  Suction." 

List  of  engagements  of  H.I.M.  for  the  day 
aft*  r  to-morrow. 

Vote  of  thanks  to  H.I  M.  from  all  the 
University  Professors,  Bandmasters,  Theatri- 
cal Managers.  Ecclesiastical  Authorities, 
Artists,  and  Experts  in  other  branches  of 
Art,  Science,  T  neology,  and  Commerce  living 
in  Germany. 

Letters  of  cordial  goodwill  from  Illustrious 
Personages  to  the  Head  of  the  Family v thank- 
ing H.I.M.  for  giving  them  an  opportunity 
of  leaving  Berlin  with  a  view  to  a  lengthy 
sojourn  elsewhere. 

And,  finally,  current  number  of  Punch,  or 
the  London  Charivari. 


REAL  RECIPROCITY 

A  Suggestion  to  Mr,  Chaplin. 

SOME  islanders  'tis  understood 

(Wit's  freakish  fancy  why  be  quashing  r) 
Earned  a  precarious  livelihood 

By  taking  in  each  other's  washing ! 
0  CHAPLIN  mine,  financier  fine, 

Friend  of  the  interest  tooralooral, 
Here  is  a  hint  as  plain  as  print 

Whereby  our  votes  you  may  secure  all. 
It  must  commend  itself,  and  will, 

To  urban  and  bucolic  pates, 
If  you  arrange,  by  a  new  Bill, 

We  all  shall  pay  each  other1 s  rates  ! 


FBOM  A  COUNTRY  COBKESPONDENT. — "Sni, 
—  A  propos  of  your  '  Common  or  Garden 
Rhymes '  in  last  week's  number,  may  I 
suggest  to  you  that  when  '  Pairs '  come  in, 
4  Gooseberries '  are  off  ? 

"Yours,  Due  DE  BERRI." 


W  >• 


CO    S 

O  a 


w »  ^ 

j]  ,"  «N 

§1.  e 

H^  KH 

0  i-  GO 

bd  §  h>- 


O 

g 

o 

co 


a  4 


«H 

o 


GO 

H 

Kj 

H 


co 

>> 
H 


tT" 

H 


MAY 


NEW    REGULATION    FOR   THE    SAFETY    OF    BICYCLISTS. 

A  MAN  WITH  RED  FLAG  MUST  PRECEDE  ALL  HORSEMEN. 


AUTHOR  BAITING  AND  ITS  REMEDY. 

(Perorations  of  the  Press — Past  and  Prophetic.) 
....  The  OUT  tain  fell  amidst  thunders  of 
applause,  and  the  approbation  was  repeated 
as  each  performer  walked  in  turn  in  front  of 
the  foothght«.  At  length  there  was  a  cry  for 
"Author."  For  a  quarter  of  an  hour  that 
gentleman  was  conspicuous  by  his  absence. 
When,  however,  he  did  appear,  the  yells  of 
derision  of  a  small  minority  were  sufficient  to 
over  whelm  the  more  favourable  demon  stra- 
lion  of  the  vast  majority.  Bat  disorderly  as 
the  audience  were,  they  were  no  worse  than 
many  a  first  night  gathering  in  a  "West  End 

temple  of  the  drama. 

*  *  *  * 

....  The  judge  having  retired  to  his 
private  room  after  delivering  sentence,  there 
was  a  demonstration  in  court,  which  lasted 
for  some  minutes.  The  jury  cheered  to  the 
echo,  and,  fancying  that  they  might  require 
further  assistance,  his  lordship  returned  to 
the  bench.  Then  several  persons  at  the  back 
of  the  couit  commenced  "bo-hooing,"  and 
only  desisted  when  the  judge  had  made  his 
filial  disappearance.  For  all  that,  his  lord- 
ship had  nobly  done  his  duty. 

....  To  the  vast  majority  of  the  congre- 
gation the  address  of  the  eloquent  ecclesiastic 
was  entirely  satisfactory.  However,  the  reve- 
rend gentleman  had  scarcely  retired  to  the 
vestry  before  there  was  a  clamour  for  his 
reappearance.  Two  prominent  persons  in  a 
front  pew  led  the  demonstration.  The  worthy 
clergyman,  upon  hearing  the  noise,  looked 
out  from  behind  the  vestry  door,  when  imme- 
diately there  was  heard  the  sound  of  hissing. 
And  such  is  the  portion  of  an  orator  at  the 

close  of  the  nineteenth  century  I 

*  *  *  * 

....  In  conclusion,  much  may  be  said  in 
favour  of  the  new  "  Bill  to  Prevent  Insults 
to  Authors  in  Theatres,  &o."  On  the  other 
hand,  it  is  only  proper  to  point  out  that  had 
the  British  Public  sufficient  self-respect,  the 
coming  statute  would  be  unnecessary.  With 
a  right  understanding  on  the  subject,  the 
truculent  pitite  and  the  graceless  gallery  boy 
would,  on  such  occasion,  both  find  an  appro- 
priate bath  in  the  horse-pond. 

FAIK  WEATHER  PBOFITS.— Those  attached 
to  the  show  at  Earl's  Court. 


A  HAUNTED  HOUSE. 

[Lord  LEIOHTON'S  house,  pervaded  by  the 
spirit  of  a  man  and  an  artist,  whose  whole  life 
was  noble,  dignified,  and  beautiful,  filled  with 
some  of  the  most  precious  artistic  treasures  in  the 
country,  would  make  an  ideal  centre  of  interest. 
Westminster  Budget.} 

A  HAUNTED  house !    Yet  not  by  spooks  and 

sprites, 
Like  HOOD'S  grim  mansion,  is  this  great 

house  haunted. 
TU  a  House  Beautiful,  home  of  delights, 

Ennobling  memories,  and  charms  enchanted. 
Here  LEIGHTON  lived,  and  garnered  what  he 

loved, 
All  shapes  of  splendour,  and  all  forms  of 

beauty. 

Its  master,  now  to  loftier  realms  removed, 
Leaves  his  loved  home,  and  to  his  land 

a  duty. 
We  miss,    this   May,   his  presence   bland, 

benign, 
Gone  from  the  home  he  reared,  the  halls 

he  dowered 

With  daintiest  decoration,  high  design ; 
And    now    another    London    May    hath 

flowered 

His  halls  are  desolate  ;  the  fountain  sprays 
Its  mounting  silver,  but  his  voice  is  mute. 
Must  it  fade  out,  the  light  of  brighter  days. 
The  loss  of  LEIGHTON'S  home  be  absolute  ? 
Were  it  not  gracious  work,  and  generous 

gain, 

1  'To  save  this  shrine  of  Art  from  desecration, 
The  huckster  and  the  hammer?     It  were 

pain 

To  see  it  lost  to  our  Art-lacking  nation. 
Enough  hath  Babylon  of  the  drear'and  dull, 
Ugliness  lays  grim  hands  our  civic  state 

on. 

The  purchase  of  this  new  House  Beautiful 
Were    honour   both   to    London   and   to 
LEIGHTON. 


"Pikes  and  Bikes." 
(By  a  "Hiding"  Poet.) 

our  sires  would  try 


Do  abrogate  the  highway  "  pikes." 
No  tolls  to-day,  can  bar  the  way, 

But  freeing  of  the  road  brought  ",bikes" ; 
And  there  are  many  Northern  Tykes, 
Who  would  prefer  the  "pikes"  to  ",bikes." 


MOKL  DEPRESSION  ! 

PEAR  MR  PUNCH,— I  want,  with  youi  per- 
mission, to  ventilate  (odious  word!)  a  real 
rnral  grievance.  In  all  large  towns  "lifts" 
are  coming  in ;  but  have  you  ever  noticed 
how  they  are  going  out  in  the  country  ?  I 
am  an  old  pedestrian  hand,  and  very  often 
should  be  only  too  thankful  for  a  lift  in  some 
kind  of  conveyance  on  the  last  few  miles  of 
my  road  ;  yet,  you  will  hardly  credit  it,  never 
am  I  offered  one  ! 

Now  why  is  this?  In  old  novels  one  is 
always  reading  of  somebody — usually  the 
fair  heroine— getting  a  "  cast  in  a  waggon." 
Where  is  dat  waggon  now?  Of  course,  I 
don't  mean  that  a  comfortable  dog-cart 
would  not  le  infinitely  preferable  to  any 
waggon  ever  invented;  but  neither  the  one 
nor  the  other  thinks  of  offering  a  "cast." 

Somebody  may  argue  that  it 's  due  to  there 
being  so  few  traps  on  country  roads ;  but  no, 
there  are  heaps,  and  the  drivers  all  seem  in 
such  a  hurry  they  don't  even  give  a  glance 
at  a  poor  wayfarer.  Talk  of  rural  quiet! 
The  null  ana  tear  along  country  roads  is 
worse  than  in  town. 

I  don't  ask  that  everybody  walking  along 
a  lane  should  be  offered  a  friendly  seat ;  only 
the  obviously  respectable,  and  as  obviously 
tired,  traveller  has  a  claim.  Even  in  this 
age  of  tramps,  cycles,  high  rates,  &c.,  the 
old  rural  civility  need  not  be  allowed  to  die 
out.  Mr.  CHAPLIN  has  given  the  farmer  a 
lift.  Let  the  farmer  do  the  same  for  the  poor 
toiler  of  the  roads !  LONG  LANE. 


A  Nursery  Grace. 

["  The  Dowager  Duchess  of  ABERCORN  has  now 
120  descendants."] 

MR.  PUNCH  understands  that  your  Grace 

Of  descendants  can  reckon  six  score. 
Gentle  lady,  he  hopes  that  your  race 

May  continue  to  give  you  yet  more. 
And  that  they  in  their  turn  and  in  fulness  of 

Time 
May  consistently  score  in  a  nursery  rhyme. 


INEXPLICABLE  MODESTY. — Lord  DTJFFEBIN 
claims  to  have  the  "  smallest  volume  in  the 
world."  Nevertheless,  we  ehall  continue  to 
look  upon  him  as  a  very  big  man. 


226 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAT  9,  1896. 


U          00 
vU        » 

£  3 
o  ^ 

CO      « 

h* 

H 

>-       H 

E     H 

*-     ^ 

III 

Q  w 

<  a 
O  =. 

<  5 

H 

JH 
I 

<  £ 
>-     55 

O    = 
CC     « 


MAT  9,  1896,] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


227 


AT   THE    ROYAL   ACADEMY. 

No.  2.    "With  a  song"  probably.    By  GBEIFFENHAGEN  after 


No.  27. "  A  Legal  Fiction."  (John)  Doe  and  (Richard)  Roe 
nibbling  at  an  apple  tree.  ROBEBT  W.  MACBETH,  A. 

No.  33.  "  Clouds  o'er  the  Sea."  Remarkable  picture  of  High 
Tide  by  WATER-LOW.  See —  Waterlow.  ' 

No.  47.  "  The  Widower."  By  J.  B.  BUBGESS,  R.A.  But  for 
title  should  have  described  it  as  "A  Ticklish  Situation,"  showing 
how  a  poor  man  in  church  held  his  nose  to  prevent  himself  from 
disturbing  the  congregation  by  a  violent  sneeze. 

No.  48.  A  lovely  "  Dish  of  Prawns,"  taken  by  a  HOOK,  R.A 
Odd  this.  Prawns  being  generally  taken  by  a  net. 

The  SABGENT  A.,  who  is  a  General  Portrait  Painter  of  the  Firsl 
Order  of  Merit,  gives  us  "  The  Right  Hon.  Joseph  Chamberlain, 
M.P.,"  64 1  But  JOSEPH  can't  be  that !  somewhere  ^about  50  would  b< 
nearer  the  mark.  Of  course  he  has  an  orchid  in  his  buttonhole,  anc 
is  probably  reading  President  KBTJGEB'S  reply,  and  laying  to  him- 
self, "  This  is  rather  an  orchid  position  for  me !  "  Above  his  head 
Miss  ELIZABETH  WHITEHEAD  has  hung  (65)  "  Chrysanthemums," 
which,  if  she  had  only  thought  of  it,  ought  to  have  been  orchids. 

The  "  Refections  "  of  W.  Q,.  ORCHABDSON.  R.  A.,  (71)  are  charming. 
The  "Empire"  style  has  long  ago  proved,  for  him  at  least,  the 
truth  of  the  saving,  "  L' Empire  c'est  la  paix!"  or,  translated, 
"It  is  the  Empire  style  that  pays." 

No.  83.  Mr.  SHANNON'S  Mrs,  Baird  is  cb  arming.  Another  and 
equally  correct  title  would  be  "Missis  Clothed,"  not  "Missis 
BAIBD." 

Mr.  G.  F.  WATTS,  R.A.,  has  given  us  an  excellent  likeness  of 
Alfred  Gilbert,  R.A.,  Sculptor.  Only  WATTS'S  colours  ran;  so 
the  dye  has  come  off  poor  GILBEBT'S  tie  and  has  stained  his  collar, 
which  has  therefore  the  appearance  of  having  been  made  out  of  a 
reproduction,  in  linen,  of  the  willow-pattern-plate  tint. 

No.  99.  Portrait  of  Mrs.  Frank  Bibby.  By  LUKK  FILDES,  R.A. 
Decidedly  "One  of  the  Best."  Motto,  words  of  popular  sang 
adapted—"  Jollv  I  0  mv !  and  the  Bibby  I  " 

No.  105.  "  Golden  October."  By  J.  MAcWniBTEB,  R.A.  To  be 
classed  not  among  "  the  SMTOWS"  but  the  "Joys  of  WHIBTEB." 

No.  111.  Stanley  Leighton,  M. P..  apparently  considerably  asto- 
nished at  finding  himself  so  admirably  reproduced  by  our  own  Sir 
JOHN  MILLAIS,  Bart.,  P.R.A. 

No.  121.  Touching  picture,  by  HUBEBT  HEBKOMBR,  R.A ,  of 
nurse  taking  out  invalid  child  just  convalescent.  "HUBERT"  was 
always  kindly  towards  children.  Witness  his  treatment  of  little 
Prince  Arthur.  Vide  SHAKSPEABE'S  King  John. 

No.  138.  Monsieur  de  Blowitz.  By  BENJAMIN  CONSTANT.  Is 
this  a  gift  of  the  punter's  to  Oar  Leading  Journal,  which  M.  DE 
BLOWITZ  has  so  long  and  so  admirably  serve!  P  If  so,  the  inscrip- 
tion should  be  "  Constant  to  the  Times." 

With  these  few  notes  must  end  our  first  visit.  We  are  delighted  to 
see  the  veteran  SIDNEY  COOPEB,  R.A.,  at  his  best  in  171,  "Among  the 
Mountainsjn  Skye,"  but  of  course  not  "  skye'd."  Also  FBEDEBICK 


We  call  attention  to  President  MILLAIS'  "  Marchioness  of  Tweed- 
dale  "  (280),  which,  as  a  speaking  likeness,  is  not  "Tweeddale-dumb." 

SEYMOUR  LUCAS  makes  "  Spanish  Main "  tell  its  own  Spanish 
tale.  See  more  Luc48  in  our  next. 

No.  616.  "  Richard  Duke  of  Gloucester  and  the  Lady  Anne." 
Another  title,  "  Dick  and  Anne ;  or,  the  Double  Gloucester  who 
thinks  himself  quite  the  Cheese,  and  the  Lady  who  has  just  lost  a 
Sovereign."1  Had  the  artist  needed  a  line  of  popular  verse  he  would 
have  used  "Dick  awry!  Dick  awry  I  Dock  I"  For,  if  ever  villain 
ought  to  have  ended  in  a  dock,  and  been  found  guilty,  it  was  that 
accomplished  scoundrel,  "afterwards  RICHABD  THE  THIRD."  A  mar- 
vellous work  by  EDWIN  A.  ABBEY,  A.  This  will  be  the  talk  of  the 
public.  The  scene  is  in  London,  probably  in  the  vicinity  of  West- 
minster, the'situation  being  from  Richard  the  Third,  Act  I.,  scene  1, 
and  will  entitle  the  American  artist  to  be  remembered  ever  after  as 
"  Westminster  Abbey."  This  is  the  picture  of  the  year.  Most  cer- 
tainly it  is  the  very  Abbeyest  of  "  Abbey  Thoughts." 

The  Blush  of  Spring. 

["  As  a  whole,  I  believe  Spring  blushes  for  warmth." — Mr.  Grant  Allen.] 
"  THE  blush  of  Spring  "  doth  sound  a  pleasant  thing. 
But  if  for  "  warmth  "  she  blushes,  proof  is  ample, 
That  unto  some  who  write  and  some  who  sing 
Spring  sets  a  good  example. 

.  CoNTBiBUTED  BY  THE  "  SEC."—"  The  Pop  of  a  Champagne  Cork 
is,  to'a  thirsty  soul,  the  best  practical  illustration  of  Fizzical  Force." 
Dernier  mot  de  Pommery  d  ton  Gre—TSo  ?—si. 


PENTADECYLPARATOLYLKETONE 


THE    BETTER   PART   OF   VALOUR. 

Lecturer  (at  our  Penny  Beading).  "  THESE  RAYS,  WHEN  ALLOWED  TO 
FALL  UPON  PAPBB  THAT  HAS  BEEN  SATURATED  WITH  CERTAIN 
CHEMICALS,  NAMELY,  SULPHIDE  OF  CALCIUM,  AND— AND  PBNTA 

— EB — PBNT — A — DB — BB PERHAPS  IT  WILL  BE  MORE  SATISFACTORY 

ir  THE  GENTLEMAN  IN  CHARGE  OF  THE  LIMELIGHT  WILL  KINDLY 

THROW  THE    WORD    UPON    THB  SCBEBN  1  " 

[N.B. — He  had  provided  the  Slide  in  case  of  need. 


THE  MILLIONS  TO  THE  MILLIONAIRES. 

[The  men  of  Wai  worth  have  "improved  the  occasion"  of  the  death  of 
Baron  HIRSCH  by  addressing  an  appeal  to  the  millionaires  of  England.] 

YE  millionaires  of  England,  how  swellingly  ye  stand, 
(Whilst  CHAPLIN  of  the  glittering  glass  laments  about  the  land  I) 
We  working  men  of  Wai  worth  are  pining  for  a  park, 
And  Baron  HIRSCH  has  set  ye  all  a  lesson  ye  should  mark. 
The  "  elevation  of  the  poor" — by  other  means  than  drink — 
Were  worthy  work  for  millions  like  your  own.  What  do  you  think  ? 
Your  "  public  spirit,  looking  out  for  means  to  help,"  might  use 
The  moral  yielded  by  the  tale  of  the  Baron  and  the  Jews  I 

Ye  millionaires  of  England,  we  number  millions  too, 

But  ours  are  hungry  mouths  to  fill  upon  a  paltry  screw  I 

We  working  men  of  Walworth  are  often  short  of  grub, 

Oar  only  home  is  in  a  slum,  our  only  joy,  the  pub. 

The  difference  between  us,  gents — as  he  may  know  who  cares,— 

Is— that  we  are  the  Millions,  whilst  you  're  the  Millionaires  I 

That  difference  looks  slight  enough,  0  men  big  millions  all  worth, 

But  if  you  'd  know  its  full  extent— just  come  and  visit  Walworth  I 


Compensation. 

"  THEBE  is  nae  luck  aboot  the  House  1 " 

Pipes  "  Auld  lang  "  LECKY,  sour  and  pecky. 
Cheer  up  I    'Twill  not  lack  luck  or  nous, 
Till  men  must  sing  "  There  is  nae  LECKY  I " 

MEREDITH  ,  MORRIS,  HARRISON,  LECKY,  lanky  I 
Genius  great,  fine  talent,  cleverness  cranky ! 
But  for  a  blend  of  worship  and  sly  raillery, 
Nought  equalled  the  "  New  Gal "  at  the  New  Gallery ! 


228 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAT  9,  1896. 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FEOM  THE  DIABT  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  April  27.— House  met  to- day  as 
lual  at  three  o'clock  ;  adjournment  of  business  automatic  at  clang 


work  upon  one  of  most  important  bills  of  Session ;  a  measure 
SQUIBE  OF  MALWOOD  describes  as  revolutionising  system  of  local 
taxation,  and  HENRY  FOWLER  denounces  as  the  alternative  iniqui- 
tously  selected  by  Ministers,  in  place  of  taking  off  a  penny  from 
burden  of  long-suffering  income-tax  pay/r1' 

However  this  be,  there  is  involved  in  measure  subvention  of  a 
million  and  a  half  a  year,  drawn  from  po  ;ket  of  taxpayer  paid  into 
pocket  of  agricultural  ratepayer.  To  ordinary  intelligence  seems 
more  useful  to  discuss  this  than  to  question  whether  private  Members' 
time  is  or  is  not  being  taken  earlier  than  usual  this  Session.  House, 
of  course,  is  far  above  range  of  average  intelligence.  It  knows  best, 
and  it  gave  six  freshest  hours  of  sitting  to  animated  dioussion  of 
order  of  procedure,  leaving  dregs  of  sitting  to  discussion  of  Agricul- 
tural Rating  Bill. 

Nor  is  this  all  calculated  to  dumbfounder  Average  Intelligence, 
represented  by  Man  in  Strangers'  Gallery.  Whilst  procedure  under 
discussion  benches  crowded.  In  one  division  463  voted.  Laughter 
and  cheers  from  time  to  time  rang  through  House.  When,  the 
second  reading  Rating  Bill  came  on,  beggarly  array  of  empty  benches 
fronted  SQUIRE  OF  BLANKNEY,  as  he  frizzled  up  SHAW-I/EFKVBE 
vainly  trying  to  hide  himself  in  a  top-coat  under  Gallery.  TANNER 
so  touched  by  this  lamentable  condition  of  affairs  that,  in  midst  of 
one  of  SQUIRE'S  towering  sentences,  he  moved  a  Count.  Members 
trooped  in  in  numbers  sufficient  to  make  a  House,  but  fled  from  the 
wrath  yet  to  come  from  BLANKNEY.  It  was  all  meant  for  SHAW- 
LEFEVBE  ;  but  spluttering  sparks  are  not  discriminating  in  their 
fill,  and  Members  were  safer  outside. 

SHAW-LEFEVRE  not  a  Member  of  the  House  now,  or  of  course 
wouldn't  be  under  the  Gallery.  Is  President  of  Royal  Commis- 
sion on  Agriculture  still  sitting.  Under  CHAPLIN'S  lead  it  muti- 
nied ;  put  the  Captain  under  hatches ;  then  marooned  him  and 
altsred  the  log-book.  Castaway  rescued  by  passirg  whaler ;  worked 
his  way  home ;  wrote  letter  to  newspapers  attacking  CHAPLIN  and 
his  Bill.  The  SQUIRE  now  rejoins  with  terrific  force. 

Doesn't  seem  ti  have  much  to  do  with  sesond  reading  of  Agricul- 
tural Rating  BUI,  but  is  quite  in  keeping  with  the  genus  of  the 
sitting.  Business  done. — Talkee-talkee. 

Tuesday. — No  more  morning  sittings.  The  Assyrian  of  Treasury 
Bench  has  come  down  like  a  wolf  on  the  fold  of  the  private  Member ; 
eaten  up  his  last  ewe  lamb,  fluffy  tail  and  all.  Bitter  complaints, 
more  particularly  of  earliness  of  raid.  Private  Member,  accustomed 
to  being  bullied,  argues  that  at  least  he  might  have  been  left  alone 
a  ii  tt-le  longer. 

"Never  knew  such  thing  done  before  Whitsuntide,"  says 
OSBORNE  MORGAN. 

"Thank  your  stars  it  isn't  befora  E*ster,"  says  the  SQUIBE  or 
MALWOOD.  who  is  in,  ominously  cheerful  mood.  "  Reminds  me  of  a 
ttory  O'NFILL  DAUJST  used  to  tell.  Politically  a  dreadful  man 
DAUNT.  Worse  than  DAVITT  ;  but  great  friend  of  LECKZ'S.  Must 
therefore  be  respectable  man.  Story  about  widow  of  Irish 
farmer  riding  home  from  her  husband's  funeral  on  crupper  of  a 
neighbour's  horse.  When  they  had  trotted  about  quarter  of 
mile  from  last  resting-plaoe  of  first  husband,  the  farmer  asked  the 
widow  to  marry  him.  '  Of  conrse  I  will,'  she  said.  '  Why  didn't 
you  speak  sooner?'  That's  what  I  say  to  PRIHCE  ARTHUR.  He 
oomes  down  on  27fch  of  April  and  takes  last  vestige  of  Private 
Members'  time.  '  Why  didn't  you  speak  sooner,'  I  ask  him." 

This,  the  first  appropriated  day,  used  to  push  forward  second 
reading  Agricultural  Rating  Bill.  Great  interests  touched.  As 
DON  JOSE,  whilst  still  in  state  of  sin,  described  situation,  Ministers 
are  robbing  PETBR  to  pay  PAUL— PETER  being  the  landless  millions, 
PAUL  the  many-acred  landlord.  In  such  circumstance  might  expect 
benches  crowded;  House  seething  with  excitement.  Onontrary, 
benches  empty,  save  for  Members  who  had  prepared  short  essays, 
and  jump  up  en  masse  in  effort  to  catch  SPEAKER'S  eye  when 
another,  having  finished  reading  his  paper,  drops  the  envied  orb. 

Only  one  man  rises  above  level  of  depressing  circumstances. 
ROBSON,  Q..C.,  stirs  sluggish  pool  with  breezy  speech.  Admirable 
in  matter,  delivered  straight  out  from  the  shoulder.  Best  thing  yet 
done  by  new  Member.  SARK,  nothing  if  not  precise,  says  ROBSON 
not  new  Member,  but  second-hand.  Been  in  before.  That  is  trifling. 
He  is  new  with  this  Parliament,  and  if  he  spares  time  to  its  debates 
will  make  his  mark  in  it.  But  no  man  can  serve  two  masters, 
especially  when  one  is  the  insatiable  House  of  Commons. 

KOBSON  spoke  without  a  note.  FINCH-HA.TTON  had  a  sheaf,  anc 
they  buried  him  in  their  abundance.  It  was  the  dawn  that  did  it 
In  quietude  of  study,  FINCH  had  born  to  him  quite  new  idea  abou' 


Breezy  and  Brilliant. 
R-ts-n,  Q.C. 


'dawn  of  better  times"  heralded  by  SQUIRE  OF  BLANKNEY'S  Bill. 
[his,  of  course,  to  be  introduced  at  end  of  speech.  Somehow  or 
ither  notes  got  mixed.  The  dawn  turned  up  in  the  middle  of  night, 
is  it  were,  just  at  the  time  where  FINCH  meant  to  be  telling  the 
louse  a  few  quite  proper  stories  about  life  in  Australia.  One  mis- 
'ortune  led  to  another.  There  was  Tyre  and  Sidon,  with  the  close 

bearing  of  their  history  on 
our  system  of  agricultural 
rating ;  would  have  made 
admirable  point ;  but  one 
sheet  having  got  wrong,  all 
the  rest  were  out  of  gear ; 
Tyre  and  Sidon  came  in  in 
the  wrong  century.  Then  the 
dawn,  with  quite  uncanny 
abruptness,  turned  up  again, 
and  FINCH,  "welcoming  it 
with  open  arms,"  as  he  said, 
Eat  down. 

"  All  very  well  to  laugh  at 
FINCHEY,"  said  SABK:  "but 
he  's  quite  right.  In.  old 
times  of  all-night  sittings 
often  seen  a  man  stretching 
himself  to  welcome  dawn 
with  open  arms ;  and  open 
month  too.  We  used  to  call 
it  yawning.  But  FINCHEY  is 
too  poetic  to  put  it  that  way." 
Business  done. — Debate  pn 
Agricultural  Rating  Bill. 

May  Day.  2  A.M.—  Second 
reading  Agricultural  Rating 
Bill,  carried  by  swinging 
majority.  Had  been  big  talk 
of  all-night  sitting.  Members 
hurrying  home  or  out  to  din- 
ner froze  the  social  circle  with 
gloomy  countenance.  "Not 
a  pleasant  thing,  you  know," 
they  said,  "  to  be  kept  out  of 
your  bed  all  night  listening  to 
reiterated  argument,  or  walking  round  and  round  the  lobby  as  if  it 
were  a  lap  in  a  ten-mile  heel-and-toe  match,  but  it  must  be  done. 
Country  expects  it,  and  no  man  should  shirk  his  duty." 

So  they  moodily  sipped  an  extra  glass  of  port  and  went  off,  ready 
to  suffer  all  things,  even  grilled  bones  and  devilled  kidneys  between 
two  and  three  in  the  morning. 

But  present  House  isn't  up  to  all-night  sittings.  By  one  o'clock, 
when  JOKIM  resumed  seat  after  lively  round  with  SQUIRE  OF  MAJ.WOOD, 
there  were  hungry  cries  for  the  division.  LOUGH  moved  adjournment. 
PRINCE  ARTHUR  pounced.  Where  there  is  amendment  to  original 
question,  Closure  involves  three  divisions.  Each  division  takes 
fro  ai  fifteen  to  twenty  minutes.  So,  early  on  this  May  morning, 
round  and  round  the  division  lobbies  we  went,  as  our  forefathers 
footed  it  round  the  maypole.  By  putting  on  s,urt,  got  through  this 
process  of  legislation  just  inside  fifty  minutes  ;  and  so  home  to  bed, 
with  proud  consciousness  of  having  literally  walked  the  Agricultural 
Rating  Bill  past  a  second  reading. 

SARK  has  given  AKERS-DOUGLAS  private  notice  of  his  intention  to 
k  whether,  in  view  of  saving  public  time,  there  would  be  any 
objection  to  laying  down  cycle  tracks  in  division  lobbies.  Has,  with 
his  usual  thoroughness,  gone  into  figures;  finds  that,  without 
putting  on  dangerous  speed,  at  least  eight  minutes  would  be  sived  on 
every  division ;  equal  in  Session  of  ordinary  duration  to  nine  days. 

Business  done.  —  Agricultural  Rating  Bill  read  secoad  time, 
by  333  votes  against  156. 

Friday  night—  There  was  a  Member  of  the  1874  Parliament  who 
made  a  reputation  by  concluding  his  speech  with  the  remark,  "  And 
now  Mr.  SPEAKER,  I  will  sit  down  by  saying."  To-night,  CALDWELL 
beat  him  hollow.  As  usual  in  Committee  of  Supply,  he  was  well  to 
front,  saying  nothing  in  speeches  of  prodigious  length.  STUART- 
WOHTLEY,  in  Chair,  kept  tight  grip  upon  him. 

"  I  must  remind  the  hon.  Member,"  he  said,  after  CALDWELL  had 
been  rambling  round  for  twenty  minutes,  "of  the  standing  order 
against  tedious  repetition." 

"  I  was  only  just  finishing  up,"  CALDWELL  pleaded. 
"  Yes.  but  you  've  long  since  finished  up  your  audience,"  responded 
STUART -WORTLEY.    This,  of  course,  sotto  voce. 

An  hour  later,  he  again  came  in  contact  with  the  inexorable  Chair. 
Called  to  order,  he  shewed  disposition  to  argue  point.  Rebuked 
with  increased  sternness,  he  said,  "  Of  oouree,  Mr.  STUART-WORTLEY, 
I  am  perfectly  willing  to  sit  down  upon  the  print." 

"Such  sinful,  lavish,  extravagance,"  said  SARK,  really  affected. 
"  It  was  the  only  point  in  his  remarks,  and  he  sat  upon  it !  " 
Business  done. — Votes  in  Supply. 


MAT  16,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


229 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

The  Yellow  Book  has  reached 
its  ninth  volume,  and  appears  in 
the  merry,  merry  spring  -  time 
with  a  new  front  cover  and  title- 
page  by  Mrs.  PERCY  DEABMEB; 
which  name  I  would  re  -  write 
"  Mrs.  Per  se  DREAMER,"  for  the 
designs  are  of  that  grotesque, 
fantastic  stuff  that  dreams  are 
made  of.  Inability  to  admire  them 
is  my  loss  —  somehow.  E.  H. 
NEW'S  "  Stanstead  Abbots"  ia 
delight  f  al.  "We  know  that  ty pic  il 
old-fashioned  village,  be  it  called 
by  any  other  name.  Mr.  J.  E 
SOUTHALL'S  "Night"  (dated  1894) 
is  as  bard  in  drawing  as  it  ia  to 
understand.  "Why  should  a  female 
with  classically  bound  hair  and 
white  classic  drapery,  surrounded 
by  signs  of  the  zodiac,  all  white 
on  a  grey  ground,  be  the  repre- 
sentative of  "Night"  ?  Unless 
the  artist  intended  us  to  under- 
stand that,  though  he  was  showing 
a  drawing  light-liated,  he  was 
yet  "  keeping  it  dark." 

"  Oh  where  are  the  pipas  of 
Pan?"  asks  Mr.  RICHABD  LE 
G-ALLIENNE,  in  his  "  Four  Prose 
Farcies."  At  certain  corners  of 
certain  streets,  at  certain  times, 
Mr.  LE  GALLIENNE  may  hear  the 
pipes  of  Pan  with  drum  accom- 
paniment, and  may  witness  the 
performance  of  the  immortal 
drama  of  Signer  PUNCINELLO  and 
his  GIULIA  translated  into  right 
good  English  of  the  "  Stratford- 
-atte-Bow  kind."  Then  shall  RICHARD 
(LE  GALLIENE)  be  himself  again,  and, 
returning  to  his  home,  shall  he  write,  in 
bis  own  inimitable  style,  the  true  story  of 
Punch  and  Judy. 

"What  has  the  Baron  to  say  of  The  Saveloy 
— no,  beg  pardon,  The  Savoy — No.  2,  for 
April,  edited  by  ABTHUB  SYMONS,  and 
illustrated  by  one  AUBREY  BEABDSLEY  - 
WEIBDSLEY  ?  Wonderful  —  most  won- 
derful I  "But  as  it  takes  my  breath 
away,"  says  the  Baron,  "  and  paralyzes 
my  writing  hand,  I  am  compelled  to  reserve 
my  criticism." 

No  wise  collector  will  fail  to  secure  for 
his  library  Mr.  TUBE'S  most  complete,  ex- 
haustive, and  exhausting  History  of  the 


A   BlCYCUC  AS  YOU  CAME 
I    SAW    A    MAN    SIT  UNO   AT  THK  BOTTOM  OF  THK  HlLL 


MENDING  AN  OLD  UMBRELLA  I " 


Horn-book,  in  two  volumes, 
edition  de  luxe.  The  account 
is  most  interesting,  illustrating 
history,  and  bringing  the  reader 
in  touch  with  the  new  -  born 
yearning  for  "  something  popu- 
lar to  read,"  and  for  that 
craving  for  news  of  the  dav  which 
has  been  developing  in  England 
since  the  fourteenth  century,  and 
is  not  likely  to  be  satis! led  until 
centuries  themselves  have  passed 
out  of  all  record  of  time.  To  a 
hint  in  Punch,"  says  Mr.  TUEB 
in  a  prefatial  note,  are  due  the 
real  horn-books,  &c. ,  stowed  away 
in  the  cover  of  this  work." 

Mr.  Punch  is  delighted  to  have 
been  thus  taken  at  his  word,  and 
hereby  heartily  congratulates  Mr. 
TUER  on  the  highly  satisfactory 
result  of  his  labour  as  exhibited 
in  the  present  volumes  issued  by 
the  Leadenhall  Press. 

THE  BABON. 


"LABBY"  REFLECT  I — Mr.  LA- 
HOUCHERE,  M.P.,  desires  that  the 
Chartered  South  African  Com- 
pany should  have  no  more  power 
than  that  possessed  by  a  Tyre 
Wheel  Association,  and.  he  also 
insists  on  the  extinction  of 
RHODES.  Now  of  what  possible 
use  would  a  bicycle  enterprise  be 
without  roads  ? 


HIGHLY  PROBABLE. — There  is 
a  strong  monarchical  and  impe- 
rial feeling  against  bicyclists.  It 
is  not  unlikely  that  from  the  Most  Exalted 
Quarter  will  be  issued  a  manifesto  denounc- 
ing all  practical  bicyclists,  without  excep- 
tion, as  causing  so  many  revolutions. 


WHY  BAR  ANY?— Mr.  BUNCOMBE,  M.P., 
is  introducing  a  Barmaid's  Bill  to  the  House 
of  Commons.  Without  any  trouble  he  could 
also  collect  a  Barmaid's  DICK,  TOM,  HABBY, 
JIM,  BOB,  TED,  and  even  PEBCY.  Speci- 
mens on  view  all  over  the  country. 

PARADOXICAL.— There  were  no  fireworks 
during  the  North  Abeidonian  election  con- 
test |  yet  the  result  was,  in  the  main,  due 
to  Pine-technics. 


CHARITY  COVERS  A  MULTITUDE  OF- CUPIDS. 

SCENE — A  Conservatory.  TIME— The  Ball  in  Aid  of  the  Disabled 
Dustmen  at  the  commencement  of  the  London  season.  EDWIN 
and  ANGELINA  discovered  in  earnest  conversation. 

Angelina  (softly).  It  is  so  sudden  I  I  really  cannot  give  an 
answer  now. 

Edwin  (with  fervour).  But  this  is  the  only  opportunity  we  have 
for  discussion,  unless  by  some  lucky  chance  you  and  your  people 
are  going  to  the  theatricals  for  the  Octogenarian  Organ  Grinders. 

Angelina  (reluctantly).  Yes,  we  shall  be  there.  _But  then  at  an 
amateur  performance  it  is  so  difficult  to  be  confidential. 

Edwin.  I  understand  you.  Well,  then,  shall  we  not  meet  at  the 
dance  organised  for  the  assistance  of  the  Convalescent  Charwomen  ? 

Angelina.  I  suppose  so.  We  go  year  after  year.  But  I  should 
rather  have  a  little  more  time.  You  are  so  impatient. 

Edwin  (earnestly).  Yes,  for  my  fate  depends  upon  your  reply. 
Well,  then,  there  is  the  Bereaved  Batket  Makers  on  Tuesday  week. 

Angelina.  Yes,  but  again  we  may  be  disturbed ;  and  it  is 
possible  we  may  not  come.  Papa  says  the  charity  was  exposed  in 
Veracity. 

Edwin.  Well,  ate  you  going  to  the  "  At  Home  "  of  the  Poor  Piano 
Players  ? 

Angelina.  Again,  I  feai,  we  shall  not.  The  benefaction  was 
exposed,  so  my  father  told  me,  in  that  most  excellent  musical  journal, 
The  Lyre. 


Edwin  (wounded).  I  believe  you  are  laughing  at  me  I  You  are 
making  excuses  because  you  do  not  wish  to  save  me  from  despair ! 

Angelina  (seriously).  You  wrong  me !  And  to  show  you  that  I  do 
not  deserve  your  reproaches,  I  will  give  you  a  fixture.  What  are 
you  doing  on  Thursday  fortnight  ? 

Edwin.  Nothing.  But  if  you  keep  me  longer  in  suspense,  I 
will  not  answer  for  the  consequences. 

Angelina  (smiling).  Foolieh  fellow  I  But  you  shall  have  my 
answer  then.  We  are  going  to  a  function  appropriate  to  the 
occasion — the  Festival  of  the  Melancholy  Monomaniacs.  But  see,  we 
are  separated.  [Enter  ANGELINA'S  People,  and  Curtain. 


SOBTES  SHAKSPEABIAN^;  AGAIN. 

"  PASTING  is  such  sweet  sorrow !  "—This  forebodes 
BULL'S  sorrow  at  the  Parting  of  the  RHODES  ! 


IDEA    OF  SHAREHOLDERS  IN  COMPANY  STABTLNG  TO  RENOVATE 
BICYCLE  TIRES.— That  they  will  re-lire  with  a  fortune. 


SITE  FOE  HOME  FOB  UNMUZZLED  DOGS. — Muzzle  (i.e.  Muswell) 
Hill. 

AN  "EXPLOSIVE"  CABINET.— The  Melinite  Ministry. 


VOL.  ex. 


230 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


|  MAT  16,  1896. 


•ft   •     *   «Ty 


'A    MOTHER    OF    THREE." 


t"  Unless  prevented  by  unforeseen  circumstances,  Mr.  BALFOUR  will  take  the  Agricultural  Relief  Bill,  the  Education  Bill,  and  the  Irish  Land  Bill, 
in  succession.    It  is  hoped  that  all  three  measures  may  be  read  a  second  time  before  w  hitsuntide."— Daily^ 


MAY  16,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OB  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


231 


BOUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

,  TOM  HOOD  AS  A  POET. 

THERE  has  lately  been  issued  a  new  edition 
of  the  poems  of  THOMAS  HOOD,  and  here  and 
there  a  reviewer  has  thought  it  worth  hi* 
while  to  devote  a  cursory  line  to  the  revived 
memory  of  the  dead  poet.  Some  of  these 
notices  were  sympathetic ;  some  hinted  that 
HOOD'S  fame,  such  as  it  was,  rested  rather 
on  his  skits,  his  word-contortions,  and  his 
playful  fooling,  than  on  his  serious  efforts : 
and  one  went  BO  far  as  to  quote  a  beautiful 
verse  from  the  "  The  Haunted  House,"  with 
the  surprising  comment  that  "  this  sounds 
strange  at  the  present  day."  Very  few, 
however,  seemed  to  think  that  the  compilers 
of  bis  poems  (my  edition  bears  date  1857) 
were  justified  in  the  belief,  which  they  ex- 
pressed in  their  short  and  touching  preface, 
"  that  in  any  future  recital  of  the  names  of 
writers  who  have  contributed  to  the  stock  of 
genuine  English  poetry,  THOMAS  HOOD  will 
find  honourable  mention." 


BUT  surely  the  belief  it  justified.  No  man, 
it  was  said  of  Oht  AY,  ever  passed  over  to  the 
immortals  with  a  smaller  bundle  under  his 
arm.  HOOD'S  bundle  is  almost  as  small  as 
GHAT'S,  but,  such  as  it  is,  it  has  pasted  him 
through  into  the  green  fields  and  happy 
regions  just  as  surely  as  if  he  had  staggered 
in  with  a  huge  load  upon  his  shoulders.  He 
has  thought  and  feeling,  he  has  music,  he 
has  time's  creat  antiseptic,  style ;  there  is  in 
his  verse  the  sense  of  tears  in  mortal  things, 
there  is  elevation,  there  is  a  deep  and  sincere 

Siety,  and  there  is  the  refinement  which  goes 
and -in -hand  with  power   and  insight. 
Where  shall  you  find  a  better  equipment  for 
an  immortal  r 

To  write  indifferent  sonnets  is  as  easy  as 
throwing  pebbles  into  the  sea ;  to  write  good 
sonnets  is  a  tremendous  task,  and  few  are 
those  who  have  performed  it,  and  have  been 
able  to  fix  a  shining  truth  or  a  genuine 
emotion  in  a  perfect  setting  of  fourteen 
musical  lines.  HOOD'S  efforts  in  this  direc- 
tion were  all  good,  and  two  of  them  are,  to 
my  mind,  supreme.  Take,  for  example,  this 
sonnet  on  Death : — 

It  is  not  death,  that  sometime  in  a  sigh 

This  eloquent  breath  shall  take  its  speechless  flight ; 

That  sometime  these  bright  stars,  that  now  reply 

In  Sunlight  to  the  Sun,  shall  set  in  night ; 

That  this  warm  conscious  flesh  shall  perish  quite, 

And  all  life's  ruddy  springs  forget  to  flow; 

That  thoughts  shall  cease,  and  the  immortal  spright 

Be  lapp'd  in  alien  clay  and  laid  below ; 

It  is  not  death  to  know  this,  but  to  know 

That  pious  thoughts,  which  visit  at  new  graves 

In  tender  pilgrimage,  will  cease  to  go 

So  duly  and  so  oft, — and  when  grass  waves 

Over  the  past-away,  there  may  be  then 

No  resurrection  in  the  minds  of  men. 


AND  here  is  my  second  example,  a  sonnet 
in  the  same  sad  vein  of  submission  to  fate 
and  circumstance  and  obliterating  forgetful- 
ness  : — 

SILENCE. 

There  is  a  silence  where  hath  been  no  sound, 
There  is  a  silence  where  no  sound  may  be. 
In  the  cold  grave,  under  the  deep,  deep  sea, 
Or  in  wide  desert  where  no  life  is  found, 
Which  hath  been  mute,  and  still  must  sleep  pro- 
found ; 

No  voice  is  hush'd  — no  life  treads  silently, 
But  clouds  and  cloudy  shadows  wander  free, 
That  never  spoke  over  the  idle  ground : 
Bat  in  green  ruins,  in  the  desolate  walla 
Of  antique  palaces,  where  Man  hath  been, 
Though  the  dun  fox,  or  wild  hyaena,  calls, 
And  owls  that  flit  continually  between 
Shriek  to  the  echo,  and  the  low  winds  moan, 
There  the  true  Silence  is  self- conscious  and  alone, 


Mother  of  Amateur  Photographer.  "  WHAT  AN  IDIOTIC  GUY  YOU  'va  MADB  YOUB  PAPA  LOOK  1" 
AmaUw  Photographer.  "YES,  MAMMA  DBAB.    Bur  ISN'T  ir  LIKX  HIM!" 


This  kind  of  thing,  no  doubt,  "sounds 
strange  at  the  present  day,"  but  its  strange- 
ness is  due  to  the  fact  that  our  ears  have 
grown  unused  to  the  sound  of  so  pure  a  note, 
struck  with  so  certain  a  hand.  Truly  it  may 
be  said  of  HOOD  in  the  words  of  another  of 
his  own  sonnets : — 

Yet  few  there  be  who  pipe  so  sweet  and  loud, 

Their  voices  reach  us  through  the  lapse  of  space  : 

The  noisy  day  is  deafened  by  a  crowd 

Of  undistinguished  birds,  a  twittering  race  ; 

But  only  lark  and  nightingale  forlorn 

Fill  up  the  silences  of  night  and  morn. 


Bui  read,  also,  "The  Haunted  House," 
which  our  pert  critic  found  so  strange.  Is 
there  in  all  poetry  a  finer  example  of  mys- 
tery, of  eeriness,  of  midnight  feeling  in  that 
troubled  half-sleep,  in  which  strange  sounds 
strike  upon  the  startled  ear  with  a  sense  of 
portent,  and  the  shadows  grow  and  grow 
until  they  assume  ghostly  and  terrific  shapes. 


Unhinged  the  iron  gates  half  open  hung, 
Jarred  by  the  gusty  gales  of  many  winters,, 
That  from  its  crumbled  pedestal  had  flung 
One  marble  globe  in  splinters. 

***** 

But  awfully  the  truant  shunned  the  ground, 
The  vagrant  kept  aloof  and  daring  poacher ; 
In  spite  of  gaps  that  through  the  fences  round 
Invited  the  encroacher. 

For  over  all  there  hung  a  cloud  of  fear, 

A  sense  of  mystery  the  spirit  daunted, 

And  said  as  plain  as  whisper  to  the  ear, 

The  place  is  Haunted. 

Bat  space  fails  me,  and  I  must  resume  the 

consideration  of  HOOD'S  poems  on  another 

occasion. 

BASHES'  HONOUR  INDEED^!— "  The  SUL- 
TAN'S" honour  (the  Grand  Cordon  of  the 
Medjidieh)  for  M.  CAMBON,  French  Ambassa- 
dor. 

Here  is  a  riddle  it  were  hard  to  guess  ! 
How  can  one  give  what  he  does  not  possess  'i 


232 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


[MAT  16,  1896' 


OUT   OF    DATE. 

A  DIALOGUE  OF  THE  DEAD. 

— A  cobwebby  corner  in  Time's  Lumber  Room.  Leaning 
despondently  against  the  wall  is  a  tall  pyramidal  form  covered 
with  withered  foliage,  with  a  square  aperture  in  the  centre, 
through  which  a  spectral  face  is  dimly  visible.  On  the  shelf 
close  by  is  seated  a  figure  in  a  mask  and  a  paper  cocked-hat, 
somewhat  carelessly  dressed  in  other  respects,  and  apparently 
lost  in  meditation,  its  heai  sunk  on  its  breast  and  its  legs  limply 
dangling. 
The  Pyramid  (to  itself).  Shall  I  tpeak  to  him  or  not  ?  He 's  not 


quite  the  sort  of  person  I  should  care  to  bs  intimate  with. 

after  all,  we  've  both   been 

here  some  years  now,  and  a 

civil  remark  doesn't  commit 

one  to  anything.      (Aloud.) 

Ahem  I     Could  you  tell  me 

what    month    this    is,    Sir? 

Extraordinary  thing,  but  I  've 

quite  forgotten. 

The  Mask.  Eh  ?  What 
month  P  Why,  let  me  see — 
one  loses  count  here,  but  I 
fancy  we  're  getting  near 
November. 

The  Pyramid  (disap- 
pointed). November !  Surely 
you  mean  May  ?  I — I  've  a 
motive  in  asking,  because  I — 
well,  I've  some  idea  of  get- 
ting a  company  together  on 
the  First,  to  go  on  tour  with 
me  in  my  celebrated  character 
of  "  Jack  in  the  Green,  or  the 
Tree  Spirit."  I  don't  know 
if  you  're  in  the  profession 
yourself,  by  the  way  ? 

The  Mask.  Is  it  possible 
that  you  have  never  heard  of 
my  famous  impersonation  of 
"GuiDO  FAWXES,"  in  "the 
Gunpowder  Plot  that  shall 
never  be  forgot "  ?  I  am 
immense  in  it,  my  boy,  im- 
mense !  Time  was  when  I 
drove  my  own  donkey- barrow, 
though  even  in  a  kitchen  chair, 
with  the  bottom  out,  there  was 
a  fire  about  my  rendering  of 
the  part  that But  I  dare- 
say you  've  seen  me. 

The  Pyramid.  I— I  go  out 
so  little  now.  I  'm  afraid  I  've 
never  had  the  advantage  of 
seeing  you.  When  do  you— er 
—give  your  performance  ? 

The  Mask.  You  must  be 
more  verdant  than  you  look, 
dear  boy,  or  you  would  I  e 
aware  that  I  make  my  annual 
reappearance  every  Fifth  of 
November — by  particular  de- 
sire, Sir,  by  particular  desire. 


But, 


cuttings  about  me  now  which 

wrong.    It '»  only  a  shaving. 


I  rather  think  I  've  some  press- 


Why,  if  you  '11  believe  me,  the  last  time  I  appeared  in  public  (which, 
between  ourselves,  is  more  years  ago  than  I  care  to  mention),  I  wasn't 
recognised,  Sir,  nobody  knew  who  I  was  I  They  took  me  for  some 
pinchbeck  politician— I  always  hated  Parliament— or  the  Sultan  of 
Turkey,  or  a  low  murderer,  I  'm  hanged  if  I  know  whom  they  didn't 
take  me  for  I  It  annoyed  me  BO  much  that  I  made  up  my  mind  to 
retire.  I  often  think  now  I  was  too  hasty,  and  I  don't  say  that  if 
they  were  to  come  and  offer  me  a  starring  engagement  on  my  own 
terms,  give  me  my  fill  of  fireworks,  a  new  rig  out  from  top  to  toe — 
I  've  always  been  rather  a  stickler  for  accuracy  in  costume — one  of 
these  antomotor  cars  to  take  me  round,  and  an  escort  of  Horse  Guards, 
I  don't  eay  I  mightn't  think  twice  before  I  said  no.  But  there,  I  'm 
not  sure ;  I  never  was  fond  of  publicity,  and  being  stared  at  and 

shouted  after,  and  then,  the  late  hours,  and  the  heat  and  the  glare 

I  really  don't  know  if  I  should 
feel  up  to  facing  it  all  again. 

The  Pyramid.  I  hear  the 
Socialists  are  getting  up  a  May 
Day  Demonstration,  or  some- 
thing. If  they  were  to  ask 
me  to  join,  I  might.  That  is, 
if  I  don't  hear  from  the  chim- 
ney-sweeps first.  It  must  be 
near  the  end  of  April.  My 
twigs  are  shooting,  as  they 
always  do  in  Spring. 

The  Mask.  Spring  I     You 
mean   Autumn.     I  can't  be 
mistaken;  I  feel  it  in  every 
i  quib  in  my  body. 
Htre  TIMB  enters,  carrying 
an  armful  of  miscellane- 
ous litter ;  problem  plays, 
sex  r.ovels,  reminiscences, 
fyc.,  w'lich  he  shoots  un- 
ceremoniously  upon    the 
floor. 

The  Pyramid.  I  say  it's 
Spring.  But  look  herd — let's 
ask  him  ;  he  ought  to  know. 

The  Mask.  All  right ;  ask 
him, then. 

The  Pyramid.  No  ;  I  'd 
rather  you  did. 

The  Mask.  You're  the  oldest 
—go  on.  He  hasn't  got  his 
scjthe. 

The  Pyramid.  I  —  I  beg 
your  paidon,  Mr.  TIME,  but 
could  you  oblige  us  with  the 
exact  date  P 

Time.  Wednesday,  May  the 
Thirteenth.  Why,  what  do 
you  want  to  know  for  ? 

The  Pyramid.  The  Thir- 
teenth!  Then  May  Day  j'.s 
over  I  It 's  of  no  consequence. 

I    only  thought I— I 

rather  expected I  sup- 
pose there  have  been  no  in- 
quiries for  me  ? 

The  Mask.  Or  for  me? 
Nothing  —  er  —  settled  about 
the  Fifth  ?  November  will  be 


I  am  immense  in  it,  my  boy,  immense ! " 


Ha,  this  seems  like  it.    No,  I  'm 


The  Pyramid.  Ah !  May  is  my  month— the  First.  But  you'll  excuse 
me,  I'm  sure.  We  must  have  been  here  for  several  years,  and  you 
haven't  stirred  from  that  shelf. 

The  Mask  (with  dignity}.  I  have  been  resting,  dear  boy,  resting. 
And,  by  the  way,  you  don't  seem  to  have  been  running  your  show — 
what  do  you  call  it  ?  "  Jack  up  a  Tree,  or  the  Green  Spirit  "—lately, 
if  it  comes  to  that. 

The  Pyramid  (with  some  confusion).  I  've  been— er- resting,  too. 
And  then,  you  see,  a  part  like  Jack  in  the  Green — well,  you  must  be 
proparly  supported,  or  the  thing  won't  go.  I  can't  go  on  the  road 
without  a  dancing  lord  in  kneebreeches,  and  a  leading  lady  with  a 
brass  ladle,  a  clown  for  the  comic  relief,  and  a  band  and  so  on,  and  / 
don't  know  where  I  'm  to  get  them !  People  seem  to  have  left  off 
caring  to  symbolise  the  revival  of  vegetation  and  the  birth  of  Spring 
somehow.  I  doubt  if  there  's  a  chimney-sweep  left  with  any  real 
poetry  in  him ! 

The  Mask.  I  find  the  same  in  my  line,  Sir.  The  ignorance  of  the 
Pablio  on  the  leading  event  in  the  history  of  our  country  is  something 
deplorable.  It  is  all  owing  to  those  confounded  Board  Schools,  Sir. 


on  us  soon  now,  you  know,  and  I  like  to  be  beforehand,  dear  boy — I 
should  say  Mr.  TIME.  Always  like  to  make  my  arrangements  before- 
hand. 

Time  (not  unkindly).  I  haven't  heard  of  any  inquiries  for  either  of 
you  at  present.  And,  it  you  '11  take  my  advice,  you  won't  bother 
yourselves  about  dates  and  anniversaries  up  here ;  you're  out  of  all 


that  now,  you  know. 


*    [He  leaves  the  Lumber 


The  Pyramid.  After  all,  it  generally  used  to  rain  on  the  First. 
Just  as  well  I  didn't  go,  perhaps. 

The  Mask.  If  there 's  any  fog  on  the  Fifth,  I  'd  just  as  soon  stay 
at  home.  In  fact,  I'm  not  sure  I  shall  venture  out  in  any  case. 
What  are  you  snivelling  about  inside  there  ? 

The  Pyramid.  I'm  not  snivelling — any  more  than  you  are.  And  you 
may  say  what  you  like,  but  it 's  not  pleasant  to  feel  we  're  forgotten. 

The  Mask.  We're  not  forgotten.  It's  a  plot,  Sir,  a  deliberate 
underhand  conspiracy  to  keep  the  Public  in  ignorance  of  our  exist- 
ence. Now  if  there's  one  thing  I  despise  and  abominate,  it's  a 


plot! 


But  I'll  unmask  'em.  Sir,  I— I'll 

[He  explodes  with  wrath  as  scene  closes  in. 


A  VEKY  DAMPING  DIPLOMATIST.— Sir  JACOBUS  BE  WET. 


MAT  16,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


233 


I  COMMON  OE  GAEDEN  EHYMES. 

III.— THE  FALLBN  ASH. 


the  summer  breeze  goes 
whispering  hy, 
When  the  wintry  tempe  sts  crash, 
5e  it  mine  to  light  on  BO  fair  a 

sight 

Aa  the  grey- stemmed  mighty 
ash! 

Aa  I  loll  in  my  hammock  I  banish 

care, 

I  forget  the  want  of  cash, 
And  naught  I  lack,  as  I  lie  right 

back 
And  gaze  on  the  mighty  ash. 

Far  down  in  the  valley  the  zephyrs 

play 
O'er  the  leafy  woodland  plash, 


tree 
To  compare  with  the  mighty  at h 


More  fragrant  than  lime,  more 

straight  than  fir — 
I  make  no  assertion  rash ; 
I  have  watched  it  grow,  so  I  ought 

to  know 
The  points  of  the  mighty  ash. 

But  all  in  a  moment  the  Fate 3 

conspire 

Man's  dearest  hopes  to  dash ; 
You  may  scarce  look  round,  when 

along  the  ground 
Low  lies  the  mighty  ash ! 

It  is  not  the  hurricane's  tearing 

blast, 
Nor    the    deadly    lightning 

flash, 
But  an  ill-timed  jar  to  a  good 

cigar 
That  fells  the  mighty  ash ! 


PLEASURES    FOR    PRISONERS. 

order  to  carry  out  certain  recommendations  of  the  recent 
Committee  on  Prisons,  the  directors  of  convict  prisons  have  decided 
that  lectures  on  scientific  and  interesting  subjects  shall  be  periodi- 
cally given."  Such  is  the  announcement  in  the  Press.  Mr.  Punch, 
always  ready  to  assist  in  furthering  the  wishes  of  the  Public,  begs  to 
set  an  examination  paper  that  may  be  answered  by  the  criminals  to 
whom  the  first  series  of  studies  will  be  addressed. 
He  assumes  that  the  lecturer  will  select  topics 
appropriate  to  the  tastes  of  his  hearers. 

1.  Give  a  short  account  of  any  two  of  the 
following  heroes  of  romance.    Jack  Sheppard, 
Claude    Duval,    the    Marchioness    de    JSrin- 
villiers,  Colonel  Blood,  Richard  Turpin,  and 
"  Three-fingered  Jack." 

2.  Supposing  that  you  wished  to  enter  a 
dwelling-house  when  all  the  occupants  were 
fast  asleep  and  all  the  doors  and  windows  were 
securely  closed,  what  scientific  method  would 
you  adopt  ? 

3.  What  is  a  "  jemmy  "  P    Explain  its  use. 

4.  Was  Jack  Eetch  a  real  person,  or  only  a 
type  or  a  myth  ? 

5.  Write  all  you  know  of  Jonathan   Wild, 
Sluetkin,  Sill  Sykes,  and  Titus  Oates. 

6.  In  what  novels   (giving  the  names  oi 
their   authors)   do   the   following    characters 

^  figure.    Paul  Clifford,  "  the  Artful  Dodger," 
Barry  Lyndon,  and  Fagin  f 

I.  Give  a  description  of  tbe  costumes  worn  during  the  last  three 
hundred  years  in  Her  Majesty's  gaols. 

8.  Why  are  the  poMca  called  '*  coppers  "  ?    When  did  they  change 
their  "  toppers  "  for  a  helmet  ?   What  had  the  first  Sir  ROBEET  PEEL 
to  do  with  the  force  ? 

9.  What  are  the  advantages  and  disadvantages  of  a  ticket-of- 
leavo,  a  pair  of  handcuffs,  and  an  alibi  f 

10.  Describe  Portland,  Portsmouth,  Dartmoor,  and  Holloway. 

II.  Write  out  the  menu  of  the  regulation  dinner  of  a  first-class 
misdemeanant,  a  felon  undergoing  penal  servitude  in  his  third  year, 
and  a  person  sentenced  to  seven  days'  imprisonment  with  hard  labour. 

12.  Supposing  (as  most  probably  will  be  the  case)  that  football  anc 
cricket  are  soon  permitted  in  prisons  "  to  relieve  the  monotony  oJ 
the  life  of  convicts  undergoing  long  gentences"  (see  Committee  on 
Prisons'  Report),  how  will  you,  when  the  happy  time  arrives,  pil 
establishment  against  establishment  ?   For  instance,  should  an  eleven 
from  Newgate  meet  the  First  Sixteen  from  Springfield  Gaol,  Chelms- 
ford?    If  not,  why  not  ? 

13.  How  should  a  prisoner  desiring  speedy  release  comport  himsel: 
in  the  presence  of  the  governor,  the  head  gaoler,  and  the  chaplain  P 

14.  Give  an  amusing  description  of  "skilly,"  "three  months' 
hard,"  and  "  the  crank." 

15.  What  is  meatt  by  "  the  march  of  civilisation"  ?    Show  how 
civilisation  has  paid  less  attention  to  the  pauper  than  the  thief. 

16.  When  the  lecturer  asked  you  at  the  close  of  his  paper  to 
"kindly  testify  your  satisfaction  in  the  customary  manner,"  did  you 
regret  the  absence  of  brickbats  ? 

17.  Do  you  think  the  "  scientific  and  interesting  "  series  to  which 
you  have  ju%t  listened  has  "raised  your  moral  tone,"  or  do  you  con- 
sider it  "  all  tommy  rot"  P 


THE  LONDON  BATEPAYER'S  VADE  MECUM. 

Question.  Can  you  define  rates  P 

Answer.  A  good  citizen  may  call  them  "  proper  expenditure,"  a 
man  of  business  "  unnecessary  evils."  They  are  considered  by  many 
a  means  whereby  the  aristocratic  renter  of  a  mansion  is  made  to 
sink  below  the  financial  level  of  an  artisan  residing  in  lodgings. 

Q.  By  whom  are  rates  controlled  ? 

A.  By  the  Vestry,  with  the  assistance  of  the  School  Board  and  the 
County  Council. 

Q.  Does  an  average  London  ratepayer  belong  to  any  or  all  of  these 
Bodies  P 

A.  No,  he  does  not,  as  the  expense  of  entering  the  two  last  is 
not  compensated  by  the  prestige 
secured    by   admission,    and   the 
idea  of  posturing  in  the  first  is 
considered  preposterous. 

Q.  And  yet,  does  not  the  com- 
fort of  the  average  London  rate- 
payer depend  upon  the  Vestry  ? 

A.  Undoubtedly;  but  for  all 
that,  he  refuses  to  sit  in  it. 

Q.  Why  does  the  average  Lon- 
don ratepayer  pursue  this  appa- 
rently suicidal  course? 

A.  Because  he  is  under  the 
impression  that,  even  were  he 
elected,  he  would  be  outvoted  in 
the  Council  Chamber  and  the 
Committee  room. 

Q.  Is  this  impression  justified 
by  facts  ? 

A.  To  a  large  extent ;  as,  taking 
the  average  London  ratepayer  as  a  professional  man,  who  pays  on  a 
ratage  of  £100  a  year  and  upwards,  such  a  man's  vote,  if  recorded, 
would  be  swamped  in  the  votes  of  the  scores  of  husbands  of  small 
lodging-house  keepers. 

Q.  What  ha i  been  the  result  of  this  strange  apathy  P 

A.  That  the  rates  (f  the  metropolis  have  risen  during  the  last  few 
years  by  leaps  and  bounds. 

Q.  But  has  not  this  increase  been  acoompani<  d  by  proportional 
improvement  P 

A.  A  few  streets  have  been  widened,  and  a  number  of  children 
have  acquired  an  educational  standard  unsuitable  to  their  station. 

Q.  Has  not  the  widening  of  the  streets  been  the  feat  of  the  County 
Council  ? 

A.  It  has,  and  the  performance  has  been  accompanied  by  the 
mulcting  of  the  ratepayers  to  an  extent  entirely  unknown  to  the 
London  Board  of  Works. 

Q.  But  is  not  the  London  County  Council  an  improvement  upon 
the  much  abused  and  rightly  obsolete  body  to  which  you  have  just 
referred? 

A.  It  is  not  so  considered  by  the  clearest-headed  of  Londoners. 

Q.  Surely  the  London  County  Council  has  high  ideals  ? 

A.  The  loftiest.  But,  fortunately  for  Londoners,  those  ideals  are 
restrained  by  the  sobering  influence  of  a  matter-of-fact  Parliament. 

Q.  With  the  London  County  Council  in  power,  is  it  not  probable 
that  some  day  the  streets  of  the  metropolis  may  be  paved  with  gold  ? 

A.  Such  a  scheme  would,  no  doubt,  obtain  the  hearty  support  of 
an  influential  section  of  that  autocratic  body. 

Q.  And  how  would  the  plan  be  carried  into  effect  ? 

A.  Like  every  other  "improvement,"  at  the  expense  of  the  rate- 
payers 

Q.  Then,  under  all  the  circumstances  of  the  case,  what  advice 
would  you  tender  to  the  London  householder  ? 

A.  To  give  up  his  residence  in  town,  and  live  in  the  country. 

Q.  And  why  would  you  tender  this  counsel  ? 

A.  That  he  might  avoid  the  rates,  and  thus  escape  bankruptcy 

Noble  Six  Hundred ! 
Or,   Wisdom  Between   Wickets. 

TIME  's  a  mere  mental  figment,  sages  say, 

That  Bounds  a  paradoxical  position ; 
But  half-a-dozen  "  centuries"  in  one  day, 

Seems  evidence  for  the  metaphysician. 
So  if  they  'd  pierce  the  psychologic  thicket, 
Philosophers  had  better  study  Cricket! 

FISHING  INTELLIGENCE.— "  Crab  "  catching  is  now  in  full  swing 
on  the  Thames.  Between  Hampton  Court  and  Tedding  ton  Lock  on 
Sunday  afternoons  the  sport  was  never  brisker. 

REAL  "FELT  WANT."— A  hat  of  felt  that  does  not  make  a  man 
look  either  a  "  bounder  "  or  a  "  buffer." 


23  i 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  16,  1896. 


TOO    MUCH    CULTURE. 

SimpTcinson  (an  enthusiast  about  the  old  Italian  Masters).  "BY  THB  WAY,  SIR  ROBERT,  DID 

YOU  EVER  8KB  CfllARO  OSOURO'S   MASTER-PIECE,    THB  JUDOMENT  OF  SOLOMON  I " 

Royal  Academician.  "  I  THINK  NOT.    ARB  YOU  QUITB  SURB  ABOUT  THB  PAINTER'S  NAME  ? " 
Simpkinson.  "On  YIS.     I  SAW  THB  PIOTURB  AT  CHRISTIE'S,  YOU  KNOW.     IT  WAS  DE- 
SCRIBED IN  THB  CATALOGUE  AS  'THB  JUDGMENT  OF  SOLOMON.  A  SPLENDID  EXAMPLE  OF 
CHIARO  OSCURO'  1" 


DUTCH-RUM-MUN  LAW. 

(By  Telegraph  from  owr  Special  Correspondent.) 

Pretoria,  May  9,  1896. 
"THis  morning  three  of  the  leading  citi- 
zens of  Johannesburg,  Messrs.  JOHN  BROWN, 
DAVID  JONES,  and  DONALD  ROBINSON,  were 
found  guilty  of  lese-majestS  towards  Presi- 
dent P-L  OLIVER  CROMWELL  KR-G-R,  and 
sentenced  to  death.  Great  excitement  pre- 
vails, and  a  petition,  signed  by  all  the  Uit- 
landers,  has  been  sent  to  the  G-nn-n 
Emp-r-r,  praying  him  to  intercede  for  the 
condemned  men." 


Pretoria,  May  11,  1896. 
"There  is  a  general  belief  that  BROWN, 
JONBS,  and  ROBINSON  will  escape  capital 
punishment,  but  be  condemned  to  fourteen 
years'  imprisonment  in  lager,  and  confiscation 
of  all  their  property." 

Pretoria,  May  12,  1896. 
"  The  British  Colonial  Secretary  has  tele- 
graphed to  President  P.  0.  C.  KR-G-R, 
imploring  him  to  spare  the  lives  of  BROWN, 
JONES,  and  ROBINSON,  offering  ample  indem- 
nity. The  President  is  considering  the  situa- 
tion, and  has  drawn  extensively  on  his  coffee 
allowance.  The  prisoners  are  allowed  to  see 


their  friends  at  the  rate  of  £5  a'minute  during 
each  interview." 

Pretoria,  May  13, 1896. 

"To-day  President  P-L  OLIVER  CROM- 
WELL KR-G-R  gave  his  decision  re  Messrs. 
BROWN,  JONES,  and  ROBINSON.  Each  of  the 
condemned  men  was  fined  a  dollar,  but  I 
believe  I  am  correct  in  saying  that  the  private 
indemnity  amounts  to  £30,000.  There  was 
great  rejoicing  among  the  Uitlanders  when 
the  result  became  known,  and  the  President's 
clemency  is  universally  extolled.  The  Colo- 
nial Secretary  immediately  cabled  his  grati- 
tude, and  the  Grand  Cordon  of  the  Victorian 
Order  to  the  President.  The  G-rm-n  Em- 
p-r-r has  also  sent  his  congratulations,  and  is 
forwarding  his  own  thesis  of  Dutch-Roman 
law  to  the  High  Court  of  Pretoria.  The  High 
Commissioner  has  despatched  autograph 
apologies  for  the  conduct  of  BROWN,  JONES. 
and  ROBINSON,  and  the  incident  is  considered 
closed."  

SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

A  POOK  WALKER  TO  A  LADY  WHO  DRIVE* 
A  COACH. 

I  NEVER  could  quite  understand 
The  pleasure  of  a  four-in-hand 
Until  I  saw  you  leave  the  "  Grand," 

A  fearless,  peerless  driver. 
You  gathered  up  your  reins  with  skill, 
You  curled  your  whip  with  such  a  will, 
You  left  the  traffic  "  standing  still," 

And  took  the  road  to  Iver. 

I  hailed  a  hansom  then  and  there, 
And  followed  you  across  the  square ; 
You  made  St.  James's  gape  and  stare, 

And  also  Piccadilly. 
The  'bus  men,  most  obliging  crew,  _ 
She? red  off  whene'er  you  came  in  view ; 
The  railway  vans  gave  way  to  you, 

The  cabbies  "willy-nilly." 

And  yet  my  "  London  Gondolier  " 
Had  great  duress  your  course  to  steer, 
And  brought  us  perilously  near 

A  case  for  compensation. 
And  all  the  while  you  seem'd  to  be 
Exulting  in  your  passage  free. 
I  saw  your  shoulders  shake  with  glee, 

And  envied  your  elation. 

St.  Mary  Abbott's  I  Now  your  "  load  " 
Goes  northward  to  the  Uxbridge  Road ; 
And  surely  urged  by  cowboy's  goad 

Your  team  could  not  go  faster ! 
Always  the  same  politeness  shown 
By  charioteers— your  sway  they  own, 
And  leave  the  path  for  you  alone, — 

Your  drag  their  "  Yellow  Aster." 

But  oh !  there  comes  that  horrid  hill  I 
Your  horses  break — my  senses  thrill  I 
I  feel  that  there  must  be  a  spill, 

And  seem  to  scent  disaster  I — 
A  careless  cyclist  caused  the  smash. 
How  could  he  dare  such  running  rash  ? 
Here 's  brandy  I    Come  now,  sip  a  dash  I 

And  here 's  some  sticking-plaster  1 


MISNAMED. — There  is  a  town  in  Kansas 
where  a  " lady  mayor  "  is  assisted  by  "lady 
councillors,"  a  "lady  city  clerk,"  and  a 
"lady  judge."  The  name  of  this  Adamless 
Eden  is,  however,  Gaylord.  Surely,  as 
ARTEMUS  WARD  would  have  said,  "A  goak 
is  here  intended." 


APPROPRIATE,  AT  THE  BOOKSELLERS* 
DINNER.— "The  toast  of  'The  Trade'  was 
acknowledged  by  Mr.  BUMPUS."  Of  course 
"  Bumpers  round  I " 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— MAY  16,  1896. 


.. 


THE  PITY  OF  IT! 


OTHELLO  (South  Africa).  "  CASSIO,  I  LOVE  THEE  ;    BUT  NEVER  MORE  BE  OFFICER  OF  MINE." 

Ottello,  Act  II.,  Scene  3. 

["Mr.  BHODES  has  no  longer  any  power  of  assailing  or  menacing:  the  Transvaal.    The  military  authority  in  the  company'*  territory  is  in  the 
handi  of  Sir  RICHARD  MARTIN.    The  administration  is  in  the  hands  of  Lord  GREY."— Times,  May  9,  189G.] 


MAT  16,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


237 


PESSIMISM. 

Artist  (irritated  by  the  preliminaries  of  composition  and  the  too  close  proximity  of  an  unin- 
teresting native).  "I  THINK  YOU  NEEDN'T  WAIT  AN  r  LONGER.     THKRE  's  RBALLY  KOTHING  TO 

LOOK  AT  JUST  NOW." 

Native.  "  AT,  AN'  I  HOOT  THERK  'LL  NEVER  BE  MUCKLE  TO  LOOK  AT  THERE  1" 


TOMMY  HARTFUL  ON  HAPPY  EVENINGS. 

["  Some  people  rather  favoured  the  goody-goody 
sort  of  philanthropy,  which  aimed  at  giving  a  child 
a  bun,  making  it  sing  a  hymn,  and  sending  it  to 
bed.  The  work  for  which  they  pleaded  was  not 
that  of  a  bun-and-hymn  society." — Mr.  Herbert 
Gladstone  at  the  Annual  Meeting  of  the  Children's 
Happy  Evening  Association.] 

I  AM  only  a  kid  wot  must  do  as  I  'm  bid,  as  the 

spellin'  book  s»  z ,  or  'tis  wuss  for  me ; 
But  I  do  know  this,  goody-goody  is  dull! 

Some  as  plays  up  the  parson  and  nuss 

for  me 
Means  well,  I've  no  doubt,  but  lor  I  when 

yer  carn't  shout,  nor  yet  clomp  yer  poor 

feet,  nor  yet  scuffle, 
It  gives  yer  the  stitch,  mykes  yer  feel  quisby 

snitoh,  and  the  little  'uns  sets  on  the 

snuffle. 
Yer  see  we  've  got  /«0«,andnot  old  timber  pegs, 

like  the  sailor-man  down  in  our  alley. 
And  leg-s,  when  they  're  live  'uns  on  kiddies, 

yer  see,  ain't  a  mite  like  the  post  of  Aunt 

Sally. 
They  will  not  keep  still,  and  it  mykes  yer 

feel  ill  when  yer  knows  as  yer  've  got  to 

arrange  'em 


Like  bricks  in  a  box.    Wy,  I  've  wore  out  my 

sooks  many  times  wiv  the  longing  to 

change  'em. 
Bat  this  Mister  GLADSTING  'e  seems  for  to 

know  more  erbout  hus  joor  kiddies  than 

some  on  'em. 
Some  thinks  we  'ain't  'appy  onless  our  'air's 

iled  and  brushed  up  to  the  nines.    Ain't 

it  rum  on  'em  ? 
I  likes  mine  best  towsley,  I  tell  yer.    Yer 

strite  away,  up- an' -down  style  ain't  my 

motter. 
Yer  don't  want  no  brushing  to  play  at  Hop- 

Scotoh  or  at  Please  t:r  remember  the 

Grotter. 

Play  !    That 's  where  this  'ere  Mister  HER- 
BERT 'as  'it  it  in  once.    'Appy  Evenings 

is  proper, 
If  they  don't  mean  school  outer  school,  dont- 

cher  see.    But  they  did  ought  to  put  a 

cop- stopper 
On   myking  belief  as  its  larks  when   its 

lessons!     I    do    call   that   'umbuggin' 

hartful ; 
And  if  they  emagine  they  diddle  u«  kiddies 

in  that  ways,  they  're  hout— by  a  cart-full. 
We  dunno  a  deal,  but  we  're  fly,  I  can  tell 

yer,  espesh.nl  to  jam  as  'ides  jollop. 


We're  all  Tommy  Hartfuls  in  that;  you 
carn't  do  hus  wiv  sugared  pills,  not  by  a 
dollup  I 

The  projam  of  these  'Appy  Evenings,  they 
sy,  is  amusement,  and  that  "  pure  ana 
simple." 

No  teaching — 'cept  'ow  to  ermuse  ourselves  I 
Ah  I  you  may  wyger  St.  Paul's  to  a  pimple 

That 's  on  the  right  lay.  Wherefore  bully  for 
HERBERT,  and  like  ways  for  Lord  LON- 
DONDERRY, 

And  them  proper  sorts,  Lydies  JERSEY  and 

JETJNE  f   A  march-round,  all  so  scrump- 
tious and  merry, 
"  Begun  the  perceedings,"  as  penny-gaff  touts 

put  it.    Pickter  books,  paints,  scales  and 

weightses 
For  plying  at  ihop  I     Ah !   I  tell  yer  it  '• 

better  than    stooping   for   hours   over 

slateses, 
Though  that 's  all  serene  in  its  wy,  I  serpose, 

as  yer  carn't  get  on  fur  wivout  laming, 
Not  these  times,  yer  oarn't,  and  I  '11  'ave  ter 

brush  up  at  the  Board  School  afore  I  goes 

anting, 
Leastways  Muvver  sez  so,  and  she 's  mostly 

right.     I  'ava  got  to  larn  figgers  and 

spellin'. 
And  do  a  fair  "Standard"  afore  I  turn  ten 

year,  and  then,  Mtrwer  sez,  there 's  no 

tellin' 
'  Ow  'igh  I  may  rise.    Be  a  GCADSTING  myself 

or  a  BALFOT/R,  she  sez,  if  I  'm  steddy. 
Heigho!    I  must  sy  Mister  HEBBERT'S  my 

mark,  'cos  'e  hunderstands  hus.    So  I  'm 

ready 
To  'ave  a  fair  *hy  at  it — arter  a  bit.    But 

oh  I  study 's  a  grind  and  no  horror, 
And  grammar  or  'rithmetick,  when  you  'ye 

grubbed  short  or  got  'eadache,  's  a  fair 

'oly  terror. 
Bat  playing  at  "  Snap,"  "  'Appy  Family," 

"Shop," — when  you've  'ad  a  long  rest 

and  good  stuffin', — 
At  these  'Appy  E  ve&ings,  is  prime,  an  I  there 's 

larks  in  a  cocoa-nut  cockshy  for  nuffia  1 
They  took  hus  to  Osterley  Park  this  last  sum- 
mer, three  'undered  on  hus !   It's  a  mercy 
For  kiddies  like  hus  as  there 's  gents  like  that 

GLADSTING,  and  swells  1'ke  that  kyind 

Lydy  JERSEY. 
The  "  bun-hymn-and-bed "  biznees,  thanks 

be !  is  done.    Oh !  it 's  dull,  I  can  tell 

yer,  and  duffin', 
To  sit  on  a  form,  like  tired  'ens  on  a  roost,  and 

jest  go  in  for  psalm-toons  and  stuffin' 
'Ard  buns,  jest  like  'aporths  o'  stale,  and 

woshed  down  wiv  wot  GLADSTING  called 

weak  goody-goody, 
As  coffee-shop  cat-lap  is  gunpowder  tea  to. 

Ah  I  well,  to  be  bumphus  and  broody, 
My  Muwer  tez,  isn't  becoming  the  poor.    But 

if  on'y  topsawyers  and  teachers 
Jest  knowed  wot  a  cuss  JDulness  is  to  the  poor, 

the  philanterpists  mightn't  turn  preachers 
Too  much  of  the  book-bun-and-bed  sort  o' 

gospel,  but,  like  that  O.K.  kind  o'  chappy, 
H.  GLADSTING,  M.P.,  would  try  fust  for  to 

see  kids  at  least  knowed  tbe  meaning  of 

"  'Appy  |M 

The  "Unholy  Alliance." 

(New  Scholastic  Nursery  Rhyme,  by  the  "Bird 
of  Passage.*) 

["Here  was  an  awful  example — Mr.  LYULPH 
STANLEY  lying  down  with  Mr.  DIGGLE,  and  the 
two  consulting  how  f  *r  they  might  go  in  condemna- 
tion of  the  Bill."— Mr.  Athelstan  Riley,  m  the 
New  Education  Bill.] 

HEY!  DIGGLE  I  DIGGLE  I 

What  ?    You  on  the  wriggle  ? 
With  STANLEY  (Progressive)  in  tune  ? 

How  the  Rad  dogs  will  laugh 

To  see  this  sport, — 
DIGGLE  (Rad-)dished  and  playing  the  spoon ! 


238 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAKI. 


[MAY  16,  1896. 


Irishman  (whcse  mate  has  just  fallen  overboard  with  the  bucket  while  swabbing  decks).  "  PLA.ZB,  CAPIIN,  DO  YB  KIMIMBKR  THAT  SOOTCHIK 

YE  TDK  ABOARD  THE  8AMB  TOIMB  AS   YB  DID   MB?      I   MANE   HIM  WOT  HAD  THB   LOT  <>'  GOOD   CHARACTER   PAPKRS,  AN*  MB  THAT  K1VKR 

HAD  A  BLissiD  WAN?"  Captain.  "WELL?"  Irishman.  "  WELL — SB'S  OFF  ww  TXR  PAIL!" 


REVERIES    AT    LORD'S. 

By  an  Elderly  Enthusiast. 

MEN  welcome  the  Season  for  many  a  reason, 

For  fashion  and  folly,  for  love  and  for  larks  ; 
But  not  as  R.  A.  time  do  /  greet  the  May  time, 

With  eye  to  St.  Stephen's,  the  Play,  or  the  Parks. 
No.  when  the  May  cometh,  and  Babylon  hummeth, 

A  rosier  rapture  the  Season  affords 
To  him  who  with  pleasure,  in  light-hearted  leisure, 

Enjoys  the  delights  of  the  first  match  at  Lord's. 

The  footballing  frenzy  is  over.    What  men  see 

In  kicking  a  ball  is  a  marvel  to  me. 
In  fields  bare  and  boggy,  all  muddy  and  foggy, 

To  fight  for  the  sphere  is  a  fun  I  can't  see. 
But  oh  I  in  fine  weather  the  whizz  of  the  leather 

Clean  banged  from  the  bat  is  a  joy  beyond  words ; 
A  nd  STODD AST'S  first  sixer  is  just  an  elixir, 

There 's  no  pick-me-up  like  the  first  match  at  Lord's. 

It's  well  worth  a  million  to  see  the  Pavilion 

Warm  flushing  once  more  with  the  faces  one  knows  ; 
White  veterans  jolly,  who  handle  a  brolly 

As  though  'twere  a  bat,  and  the  scoring  ran  close. 
That  paunchy  old  fellow  could  once  wield  the  willow 

Like  FELIX  or  MTNN.    Still  it  draws  him  like  cords, 
That  first  shout  of  "  Over !  "  and  he  is  in  clover 

When  thus  settling  down  to  the  first  match  at  Lord's. 

Eh  ?     Old  'uns  ?     Lord  bless  us  !   that  grim  shirt  of 
Nessus 

We  throw  off  as  soon  as  the  wickets  are  pitched ; 
The  first  sight  of  flannels  warms  blood  in  its  channels, 

The  eye  brightens  up,  and  the  bosom 's  bewitched. 
Take  Lancashire's  HORNBY  !    Is  he  held  in  scorn  by 

Good  judges  for  what  Edax  Rerum  records  ? 
His  grip  as  firm-fixed  is  as  when  in  the  Sixties, 

Or  thereabouts,  he  fought  his  first  match  at  Lord's. 


Oh,  sweet  the  cool  whiff  of  the  turf,  the  fiist  sniff  of 

The  fresh  London  lilac !    There 's  no  need  to-day 
Of  saw-dust  or  "  sweater."    It  couldn't  be  better. 

Gad  I    Look  at  the  Doctor !    How 's  that  for  leg-play. 
By  Jove !  he  swiped  that  well !    Gad  I   Beaten  by  ATTEWELL  1 1 

Hoped  GRACE  was  well  set,  for  great  joy  it  affords 
The  "ring,"  widely  smiling,  to  watch  him  up-piling 

One  "  century  "  more  in  his  first  match  at  Lord's  I 

AH  wished  he  might  do  it.    Sheer  vinegar-cruet 

Must  he  be,  who  won't  wish  our  Doctor  good  luck. 
"  He  can't  have  a  season  like  last,"  croakers  reason  ; 

Bat  lord  I  whilst  he  keeps  up  his  form  and  his  pluck, 
Though  hard  upon  fifty,  still  stalwart  and  shifty, 

Leviathan's  play  a  fair  prospect  affords 
Of  splendid  surprises  at  cricketing  crise?, 

Long  be  it  'ere  GRACE  sees  his  last  match  at  Lord's  I 

Young  HEAKNE  seems  a  ripper,  and  so  thinks  "  The  Skipper," 

And  STOKER  to-day  makes  the  bowlers  sit  up. 
DE  TRAFFORD  's  a  stunner  as  smiter  or  runner  I 

An  elegant  mixture  of  DEERFOOT  and  KRTJPP 
We  want  at  a  wicket,  and  then  we  get  Cricket ! 

I  don't  like  your  blendings  of  blocks  and  deal  boardc. 
No  I  keep  the  game  spinning,  and — losing  or  winning— 

You're  sure  to  find  fun  in  your  first  match  at  Lord's. 

Pheugh !    Now  for  my  dinner !    As  I  am  a  sinner 

I  've  felt  all  the  day  like  a  frolicsome  boy. 
Good  old  'uns  still  prizing  I  watch  the  uprising 

Of  promising  "  colts"  with  a  cricketer's  joy. 
Hooray  for  King  Willow !    When  seeking  my  pillow 

I  log  no  "  lost  day  "  ;  and  dim  dream-world  affords 
Renewal  of  pleasure.    While  health  lasts,  and  leisure, 

I  '11  not  miss  the  joys  of  the  first  match  at  Lord's. 


LATEST  FROM  MATABELE  LAND. — "All  the  ostriches  made  tracks 
when  they  eaw  Colonel  PLUMER." 


MAT  16,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


239 


CROSS  QUESTIONS; 

Or,  the  Doom  of  the  Yale-ow-lacka. 

["  The  course  of  lectures  on  living 
English  novelists  at  Tale  is  to  be 
discontinued." — American  Paper.} 

WE  believe,  however,  that  the 
following  Examination  Paper  is 
likely  to  he  set  to  all  students  of 
the  course  :— 

1.  Explain    "the    kail  -  yard 
school  of  fiction."    How   many 
Scotch  ex-Ministers  do  you  con- 
sider are  requisite  in  order   to 
make  one  Rood  English  novelist  P 

2.  Which   do    you  think  the 
greater  master  of  style — GEOBGE 
MEREDITH    or    MABK    TWAIN? 
What  reason  have  you  for  sup- 
posing   that    the   title  of    Mr. 
HABDT'S  last  novel  was  originally 
intended  to  he  George  the  Ob- 
scure f 

3.  "Sir  WALTEB    SCOTT    was 
only  an  inferior  STANLEY  WET- 
HAN,  and  My  Lady  Rotha  has 
gone  one  hotter  than  Ivanhoe," 
Examine  this  statement. 

4.  At  what  date  in  the  twen- 
tieth century  do  you  anticipate 
that  the    authoress   of    Robert 
JElsmere  will  have  got  through 
the  stock  of  immediately  available 
' '  burning  questions  "  ? 

5.  Write  down  in  his  own  lan- 
guage, and  as  far  as  possible  with 
due  regard  to  propriety,  what  Dr. 
JOHNSON   would  probably   have 
said  with  regard  to  (a)  Oun>A,  (b) 
SABAH  GRAND,  (c)  the  Authoress 
of  The  Yellow  Aster. 

6.  Trace  the  following  sentences 
to    their     sources:  —  (a)    "Her 
mobile  peony  mouth."    (b)  "The 
horizon  beyond  these  calcareous 
escarpments  was  of  a  deep  ultra- 
marine."    (c)    "Then  a  strange 
thing  happened."    (d)  "I 'm  sair 
diejasket  wi'  the  rheums." 


t 


A  COMPROMISE  AND  A  COMPENSATION. 

"LOOK  HEKE,  MAGGIE.    You  SAT  TOU  WANT  TO  OOMK  WITH  MB 

TO  PARIS  MERELY    TO    ORDER    SOME    NEW    FftOCKS.      WflT,   TOU  CAN 
GET  EVERYTHING  TOTT  KB  QUIRE  IN  BOND  STREET." 

"OH,    THANKS,    DEAREST  1      THAT '8  ALL   I   WANTED  1  " 


7.  Do  you  agree  witb'the  boy'a 
criticism,  after  re; ding    Treasure 
Island,  that "  he  wished 'there  was 
Samoa  of  it "  P    If  not,  why  not  ? 

8.  It  has  been  said  that  "  the 
decease  of  SHEBLOCK  HOLMES  is 
the  greatest  blow  struck' at  pure 
literature  in  the  last   half-cen- 
tury."  Is  there  any  exaggeration 
about  the  remark ;   and  to  what 
extent  do  you  consider  Brigadier 
GEBABD  a  satisfactory  substitute 
for  S.  H.  P 


DOG-GEREL  ANENT   A 
DRAMATIC  J.P. 

["  At  Edjrware  Sessions,  Mr.  "W.  S. 
GILBERT,  J.P.,  was  fined  for  having 
an  unmuzzled  dog  at  large."] 

To  make  the  punishment  fit  the 

crime 

Is  the  maxim  of  W.  G., 
So  would  not  a  muzzle  upon  his 

rhyme 

A  fitting  penalty  be  ? 
But  brother  "  beaks  "  took  a  busi- 
ness line, 
And  W.  G.  paid  a  practical  fine. 


THE  proceedings  at  the  Inver- 
ness Town  Council  were  recently 
enlivened  bya  "tiff"  thatoccurred 
between  two  of  its  orators— one  a 
baker,  the  other  a  publican.  The 
former  having  cast  aspersions 
upon  the  Licensed  Victualling 
profession,  the  publican,  in  "re- 
plying for  the  Bar,"  suggested 
that  the  liquor  business  was  con- 
ducted as  respectably  as  that  of  the 
baker,  and  he  did  not  see  why  any 
slur  should  be  thrown  upon  their 
trade."  Why,  indeed  ?  especially 
by  a  maker  of  loaves  1  For  if  bars 
were  barred,  the  loafer's  occupa- 
tion would  be  gone,  and  there  would 
be  neither  cakes  nor  ale. 


ESSENCE   OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTEACTED   FBOM   THE   DIABT    OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  May  4. — "  There  's  one  thing  I  like 
about  an  Irishman,"  said  the  Member  for  SABK.  "  It  is  the  fathom- 
less resources  of  his  power  of  contradiction.  These  are  limited  only 
by  his  ignorance  of  what  you  are  going  to  eay.  And  that  doesn't 
much  matter.  If  he  doesn't  have  you  one  way  he'll  take  you  in 
another." 

These  reflections  arose  on  incident  connected  with  Stipendiary 
Magistrates  (Ireland)  Bill.  ATTOBNET-GENEBAL  FOB  IRELAND 
moved  second  reading.  Irish  Members  on  various  benches  jumped 
up  with  questions.  Smack  of  old  times  about  very  title  of  Bill. 
ATTOBNET-GENEBAL  protested  there  was  nothing  in  it.  No  change 
proposed  in  position,  pay,  or  qualification  of  magistrates.  "  It  is," 
he  added,  by  way  of  clinching  matter,  "  merely  an  alteration  in  the 
name." 

Then  JOHN  DILLON  saw  his  chance.  Glancing  round,  he  perceived 
JOHN  REDMOND  wasn't  present.  Had  all  the  field  to  himself. 
Ireland  should  now  sea  which  was  the  true  friend,  the  watchful 
warden  on  the  tower. 

"I  must  say,  Mr.  SPEAKEB,"  said  J.  D.,  regarding  with  stern 
glance  PRINCE  ABTHTJB  in  languishing  mood  on  the  Treasury  Bench, 
"  I  have  a  preference  for  the  old  style  of  Resident  Magistrate." 

" I  am  glad  to  hear  that,"  said  PBINCE  ABTHUB,  blandlv ;  "for 
the  precise  object  of  the  Bill  is  to  restore  the  title  of  Resident 
Magistrate." 

It  is  here  that  pre-eminence  of  Irish  Member  in  direction  indi- 
cated by  SABK  was  triumphantly  vindicated.  Any  other  community, 
abashed  by  this  harmless  blunder,  would  have  withdrawn  opposition 
and  gratefully,  if  temporarily,  retired  into  background.  Not  so  the 
descendants  of  many  kings.  Leader  of  party  had  specifically 
objected  to  Measure  on  ground  that  it  destroyed  the  treasured  name 
and  associations  of  the  Resident  Magistrates.  No,  said  PBINCE 
ABTHUB  ;  exactly  the  reverse. 


"  Very  well,  then,"  said  DALT  (the  Daly  Inquirer  of  an  et 
stage  of  the  sitting),  "  1  move  that  the  Bill  ba  read  a  second 


earlier 
time 

this  day  six  months."    Then  came  angry  debate,  movement  of  the 
adjournment,  the  closure,  division  on  the  closure,  division  on  the 
amendment,  and  final  division,  by  which  second  reading  was  carried 
by  171  votes  against  47. 
Business  done, — Budget  Bill  read  second  time. 

Tuesday. — JOHN  OF  GOBST  in  finest  Manipur  mood.  Business  in 
hand  second  reading  of  a  Bill  which  even  PHIKCK  ABTHUB  admits 
to  he  complex  and  controversial.  Others  of  blunter  speech  spaak  of 
it  as  revolutionising  system  of  national  education,  breaking  up  pact 
of  peace  that  has  existed  for  quarter  of  century.  Opposition  Benches 
crowded;  an  angered  muster,  "breathing  war  from  every  nostril,"  as 
R.  G.  WEBSTEB  eays.  To  them  enter  JOHN  OF  GOBST  with  Educa- 
tion Bill  in  hand,  casually  waving  it  as  if  it  were  red  flag  and  the 
crowd  before  him  a  herd  of  wild  oxen. 

Nothing  milder  than  JOHN'S  manner,  nor  softer  than  his  speech. 
Not  once  his  voice  uplifted  above  conversational  tone ;  went  ambling 
along,  serenely  assuming  that  everything  might  be  taken  for 
granted.  Members  opposite  writhed  on  their  seats,  yelled  contra- 
diction, cut  themselves  with  knives  (this  last  in  a  Parliamentary 
sense,  of  course).  JOHN  OF  GOBSI  jogged  placidly  on,  just  as  if  he 
had  been  reading  his  speech  to  the  boulders  that  form  Stonehenge. 
Most  often  he  (to  quote  R.  G.  WEBSTEB  again)  "trod  on  the  toes  of 
the  Nonconformist  conscience."  But  now  and  then  he,  quite  acci- 
dentally as  it  seemed,  gave  his  political  friends,  his  pastors  and 
masters,  a  sly  knock.  Once  he  kicked  out  behind  at  PBINCE 
ABTHUB,  DON  Jos£  and  other  Members  of  the  Cabinet  listening 
apprehensive.  Some  people,  he  observed,  argued  that  all  would  be 
well  if  only  the  head  of  the  department  were  called  the  Education 
Minister,  with  a  seat  in  the  Cabinet. 

"I  cannot  for  the  life  of  me,"  he  continued,  "  see  how  the  Vice- 
president  of  the  Council  would  be  more  wise  or  more  ^powerful  in 
educational  matters  by  having  his  name  changed,  and  being  required 
to  attend  the  meetings  of  the  Cabinet  Council." 


240 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  16,  1896. 


There  are  nineteen  Cabinet  Ministers.  There  is  only  one  Vice- 
President  of  the  Council.  Why  should  he  be  called  upon  to  merge 
his  identity  in  a  composite,  not  to  say  commonplace  body  P 

The  MARKISS  and  assistant  Cabinet- makers  nave,  during  last  ten 
years,  had  the  upper  hand  of  JOHN  OF  G  OBST.  Had  he  chanced  to 
have  ranged  himself  on  the  Liberal  side  of  politics,  he  would,  SAKK 
says,  long  ago  been  a  Secretary  of  State,  with  Cabinet  rank. 
Fighting  under  other  colours,  he  has  seen  his  claims,  second  to 
few  either  as  brilliant  Party  debater  or  able  administrator,  passed 
over  in  favour  of  sons  of  dukes  and  cousins  of  eirls.  They  are 
in  the  Cabinet,  he  outside.  Almost  his  philosophic  calm  deserts 
him  as  he  contemplates  this  ignorant  suggestion  about  the  Minister 
of  Education  having  a  seat  in  the  Cabinet.  The  Vice -President  of 
the  Council  might  be  ill  advised,  mistaken,  for,  after  all,  he  is  almost 
human.  But  at  least  let  him  be  spared  the  companionship  of  the 
Cabinet. 

Business  done, — Second  reading  of  Education  Bill  moved. 

Thursday. — Another  night  with  Education  Bill.  Some  excellent 
speeches  by  men  who  know  question  au  fond—DmcE,  HABT  DYKE, 
SYDNEY  BTJXTON,  and  GEOBGE  TBEVELYAN.  If  these  in  succersion 
talk  to  you  for  something  like  forty  minutes  apiece,  telling  you  what 
they  think  about  Education  BUI,  you  may  go  home  with  consciousness 
that,  though  your  head  aches,  you  're  pretty  well  up  in  subject. 
Also,  there  was  ALFRED  LYITELTON  making  maiden  speech,  with 
some  reminiscences  of  the  oration  prize  he  took  at  Cambridge.  Got 
on  very  well  till  he  came  to  talk  about  "  the  critics  of  the  Bill." 
For  a'LYiTBLTON,  this  an  inevitable  pitfall.  ALFBED  spoke  of  them 
as  "  the  crickets."  This  nearly  bowled  him  out. 

"  How 's  that,  SPEAKEB  ?  "  SABK  whispered  under  bis  breath. 

SPEAEBB  took  no  notice,  and  LYTTELTON  carried  out  his  bat, 
generously  cheered  by  both  tides  as  he  walked  up  to  the  tent. 

Just  after  midnight  proceedings  enlivened  by  outbreak  of  Civil 
War  on  Treasury  Bench.  Objection  taken  to  scheme  dealing  with 
a  charity  at  Donnington.  Yice  -  President  of  Council  supported 
it.  There  apparently  end  of  matter.  Ministerial  majority,  in 
absolutely  impartial  state  of  mind  owing  to  perfect  ignorance  of  the 
question,  would  be  marshalled ;  scheme  approved  by  overwhelming 
majority. 

But  SQUIBE  op  BLANKNEY  been  looking  into  question.  Come  to 
conclusion  that  adoption  of  scheme  would  wrong  the  poor  people  of 
Donnington.  "  I  object."  b«  said,  "  to  these  people  being  improved 
off  the  face  of  the  earth."  Encouraged,  by  this  powerful  advocacy, 
JESSE  Co  J.LIN  GS  also  declared  against  scheme.  JOHN  OF  GOB&T  sat 
aghast.  Hard  enough  for  suggestion  to  be  made  that  he  should  j  -in 
the  Cabinet.  To  have  two  colleagues  in  Ministry  openlv  flouting 
him,  joining  the  common  enemv  in  disputing  the  fiat  of  Education 
Department,  more  than  he  could  bear.  So  folded  his  arms  and 
awaited  result.  This  announced  with  figures  of  division  showing 
scheme  negatived  by  92  votes  against  80. 

"  Resign  I  Resign  I  "  shouted  the  hilarious  Opposition.  JOHN  OF 
GOBST  said  he  would  think  about  it. 

business  done. — Ministry  beginning  to  crumble. 

Friday  night.—  MASK  LOCKWOOD  has  carried  his  point  in  Kitchen 
Committee.  Long  seen  visions  of  Terrace  decorated  by  presence  of 
neat-handed  PHYLLISES  tripping  here  and  there  at  tea-time.  At 
present,  in  accordance  with  constitutional  usages,  we  have,  through 
the  changing  seasons,  the  black-coated  waiter,  smelling  of  shrimps, 
plutinons  with  crushed  strawberries,  damp  with  water-cress,  the 
Colonel  has  changed  all  that.  Hereafter  a  new  charm  will  invest 
tea  on  the  Terrace.  Kitchen  Committee  hard  to  move  on  point; 
rnce  convinced,  surrendered  altogether,  not  only  agreed  to  invite 
SPEAKEB'S  approval  of  proposal  but,  that  gained,  unanimously  left 
selection  and  engagement  of  the  young  ladies  to  Colonel  M&BK,  to 
whom  all  applications  (enclosing  stamp  for  reply)  should  be  directly 
made.  Business  done.— RHODES  laid  out;  trampled  on  by  SQUIBE 
OF  MALWOOD,  defended  by  DON  JOSE. 


LIVE  AND  LET  LIVE.  ,*/" 

(By  a  Sufferer  from  Street  Shindy.) 

["A  very  large  deputation  of  the  friends  of  street-music  made  their 
protest  the  other  day  against  Mr.  JACOBY'S  Bill." 

Jamet  Payn's  "  Our  Note-Book."} 

To  interfere  with  Music's  means  of  living 

To  street-musicians  may  seem  very  trying  ; 
But:  though  we  would  be  tolerant  and  forgiving. 

What  if  their  living  sometimes  means  our  dying  ? 
Grinders,  at  whose  cacophony  nature  cowers, 
Your  "  means  of  living''  interfere  with  ours 
"  Friends  of  Street-Music,"  we'd  shun  selfish  fuss, 
But—"  what  is  sport  to  you  is  death  to  us." 

NEW  Mono  FOB  A  MONEY-LENDEB. — "  I  eat  all,  but  POCKETT  none." 


INTO  SPAIN. 

( With  a  Conversation-Book.) 

Cannes.— Read  that  the  weather  is  dismal  and  cloudy  in  England. 
Shall  stay  in  the  sunny  South  a  little  longer.  Cannes  is  a  charming 
place.  Bat  might  as  well  see  something  different.  Where  to  go  r 
Consult  map.  Good  idea.  Spain.  Consult  time-tables.  Easiest 
thing  in  the  world.  Tarasoon  to  Barcelona. 
What  is  there  to  see  in  Barcelona  ?  Nuts 
probably.  Also  Spanish  manners  and  cus- 
toms, dark  eyes,  fans,  mantillas,  and  so 
forth.  Shall  certainly  go,  after  a  few  days. 
G  )cd  idea  to  learn  a  few  words  of  Spanish. 
Must  be  very  easy.  Italian  and  French 
mixed,  with  some  Latin  added.  Amiable 
Frenchman  in  hotel  supports  this  view. 
He  says,  airily,  "  Vous  quittez  Paris  dans 
le  '  sleeping?  vous  achetez  desjournaux 
espagnols  d  Irun,  et,  arrive  a  Madrid, 
vous  parlez  espagnol."  Cannot  hope  to 
rival  that  linguistic  feat,  but  may  be  able 
to  learn  a  few  phrases  between  Cannes 
and  Barcelona.  Buy  a  conversation-book 
in  French  and  Spanish. 
Port  Sou. — Across  the  frontier.  Custom- house  station.  Now  is 
the  time  to  begin  Spanish.  Have  read  some  of  that  conversation- 
book  on  the  way.  Begin  to  doubt  its  utility.  JDsual  sort  of  thing. 
"  Has  thy  brother  bought  a  boot-  jack  ?  "  "I  wish  these  six  volumes 
of  MOLIKRE'S  plays  to  be  bound  in  half  calf."  And  so  forth.  This 
one  is  the  same,  only  in  French. 

Custom-house  officer,  in  beautiful  uniform  and  briirht  green  gloves, 
very  strict  in  his  examination  of  my  luggage.  The  green  gloves 
travel  all  over  my  property,  and  bring  out  a  small  cardboard  box. 
Triumphant  expression  on  official's  face.  He  has  caught  me.  Open 
box,  and  show  him  it  contains  a  few  white  ties.^  His  face  now  shows 
only  doubt  and  amazement.  Cannot  explain  to  him  verbally. 
Evidently  useless  to  mention  the  binding  of  MOLIEEE'S  plays.  The 
green  gloves  beckon  another  custom-house  officer,  also  wearing 
bright  green  gloves.  Together  they  examine  my  harmless  white 
ties.  It  feems  to  me  the  green  gloved  hands  are  held  up  in  pious 
horror.  Try  them  in  French,  in  Italian,  in  English.  No  good. 
Should  perhaps  tip  them  in  Spanish.  But  why  waste  pesetas  ?  So 
refrain.  They  shake  their  heads  still  more  suspiciously.  The  only 
thing  remaining  for  me  to  do  is  to  ask  if  the  brother  of  one  of  them 
has  bought  a  boot- jack.  Does  not  seem  very  appropriate,  but,  if  said 
politely,  might  imply  that  I  wish  to  change  the  subject.  Am  just 
about  to  begin  the  note  of  interrogation  upside  down,  which  gives 
such  an  uncanny  air  to  a  Spanish  question,  when  they  cease  looking 
at  my  ties,  and  I  pass  on. 

Barcelona. — Shall  have  no  difficulty  here.  Have  been  told  that 
French  is  spoken  everywhere.  If  not,  then  English  or  Italian. 
Evtryore  in  the  hotel  speaks  French.  To  the  bank.  Manager 
ipeaks  English  beautifully.  Buy  some  cigarettes.  Old  woman  in 
the  shop  speaks  Italian.  Shall  get  on  capitally.  Need  not  trouble 
to  carry  the  conversation-book  in  my  pocket. 

In  the  evening  to  the  opera.  Walk  out  between  the  acts,  seeing 
Spaniards  also  walking  out,  and  enter  a  caie.  Order  coffee.  Waiter 
brings  a  huge  glass  of  water,  and  a  cup,  filled  to  the  brim  with 
sugar,  on  which  the  verseur  is  about  to  pour  my  drink.  Stop  him. 
Explain  in  French  that  I  take  no  sugar.  The  two,  and  another 
waiter,  stand  round  me,  with  dazed  faces.  By  Jove,  they  speak  only 
Spanish!  Wish  I  had  the  conversation-book.  Bat  should  probably 
have  found  something  like  "  Nous  ne  voulons  pas  fair  e  une  excursion 
en  mer,  parce  qu'il  fait  trop  de  vent,"  or  "  Ces  bottines  sont  un  peu 
etroites,  veuillez  les  elargir."  No  good  trying  talking.  Turn  out 
eight  or  ten  lumps  of  sugar,  and  so  get  my  coffee.  Then  return  to  the 
opera.  Four  polite  officials  at  the  entrance  gaze  wonderingly  at  the 
counterfoil  of  my  ticket,  which  I  concluded  served  for  readmission, 
no  pass  ticket  being  offered.  Ask  each  one,  in  turn,  if  he  speaks 
French.  He  does  not.  Oh  for  the  conversation-book!  If  only  I 
could  say  "  Tous  les  tableaux  dans  le  Salon  Carre  du  Louvre  sont 
des  chefs-d'oeuvre,"  or  "  Est-ce  que  mademoiselle  votre  soeur  joue 
du  piano  ? "  I  should  have  shown  myself  to  be  an  individual  with 
innocent  and  refined  tastes,  and  not  a  socialist  or  a  brigand.  The 
second  phrase  would  have  been  singularly  appropriate  in  the  opera 
house.  Alas,  I  cannot !  So  address  them  in  French,  with  bows  and 
smiles.  And  they  respond  in  Spanish,  evidently  with  great  courtesy, 
also  with  bows  and  smiles,  and  let  me  pass  in,  probably  because  they 
cannot  make  me  understand  that  I  ought  to  stop  out.  For  the 
future  I  must  carry  that  conversation-book  everywhere. 


AT  LAST  1— Mrs.  AMELIA  BABB  states  that  "every  woman  is  a 
born  story-teller."  Thus  the  cruel  calumny  cast  for  ages  on  all  men 
is  finally  refuted  by  a  lady,  who  is  herself  a  bit  of  a  fictioni&t. 


MAT  23,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


241 


If  doughty  Deeds  My  Lady  please." 


MAMMA  1    MR.  WHITE  SAYS  HE  is  LONGING  TO  GIVJB  YOU  YOUR 
FIRST  BICYCLE  LBSSON  1 " 


THE    SECRETS    OF    B'MOUTH. 

May.  Friday.— Lovely.  Town  beginning  to  be  delightful, — but 
for  dust ;  but  for  water-carts  ;  but  for — "  not  to  put  too  fine  a  point 
upon  it" — rdours.  Let  us  away.  Where?  South,  to  the  rhodo- 
dendrons. B'mouth  ;  rust  the  time  now  to  spend  happy  days  here. 
Not  too  hot  for  Royal  Tepid  Bath  Hotel,  B'mouth.  Gardens  lovely. 
Sea  of  a  true  Mediterranean  blue.  Air— gentle,  refreshing.  North- 
Easterly.  No  crowd  DOW.  But  at  Whitsuntide,  everything  will  be 
Whitsuntidy.  What  I  take  in  the  way  of  holiday  I  prefer  "  neat." 
Per  L.  &  S.  W.,  and  comfortable  Pullman  car.  Song  :— 

AB  we  sit  in  our  Pullman  car, 
A  smoking  our  fine  cigar, 

The  paper  we  read 

"WhiJe  we  go  at  full  speed 
In  our  equable  Pullman  car. 

Good  dinner  at  R.  T.  B.  hostelrie.  Excellent  English  asparagus 
for  home  consumption.  Might  dine  as  vegetarians  on  this  food,  with 
motto,  "All  flesh  is  grass."  Ask  what  is  going  on?  Answer, 
Nothing  in  particular.  Try  to  find  notices,  advertisements,  or  bills. 
Can't.  Good  idea  this  for  hotel.  Happy  Thought.— Don't  give  any 
intimation  of  what 's  going  on  outside.  Then  visitors  will  remain 
inside. 

Next  Morning.— Still  lovely,  or  lovelier.  Down  early.  Breakfast. 
Lounge.  Admire,  at  distance,  steamer  departing  from  pier,  to 
go,  as  far  as  I  remember— which  is  not  going  so  very  far,  after  all — 
to  Swanage  and  back.  Lots  of  steamers  do  this  in  course  of  day. 
I  affirm  this,  with  reservation,  to  my  friends,  who  rely  on  my  infor- 
mation, as  "  knowing  the  place." 

I  tell  them  we  shall  find  all  information  posted  up  on  or  about 
pier.  Entrance  to  pier  2d.  It  used  to  be  a  penny.  Unwise  pro- 
ceeding Ibis.  Jf  it 's  only  a  penny  you  pay  without  thinking.  But 
if  it 's  twopence  you  think  twice.  Then,  to  equalise  it,  you  go  earlier 
and  stay  double  as  long  as  you  used  to  do  for  a  penny.  "  Penny  wise 
twopence  foolish  "  policy  tbi?.  When  does  band  play  ?  No  notice 
visible.  What  does  band  play  when  it  does  play  ?  Nobody  knows. 
This  is  one  of  the  Secrets  of  B'mouth  I  There  may  be  a  boy  with 
programmes.  Don't  see  him.  Another  secret.  Subsequently  hear 
band,  but  see  no  boy  and  get  no  programme. 


How  about  the  steamboat  trips  to  Swanage?  Delightful  idea; 
over  to  Swanage  and  back  for  a  blow.  Inquire  of  ancient  mariner 
with  gold  band  round  his  nautical  cap.  Boat  to  Swanage?  Oh, 
gone  an  hour  or  more  ago.  Then  that  was  the  steamer  I  was  ad- 
miring in  the  distance.  When 's  the  next?  He  is  reticent  person- 
ally, but  refers  me  to  the  board.  Evidently  another  Secret  of 
B'mouth.  I  cannot  find  any  mention  of  any  boat  going  to  Swanage 
until  next  Monday  morning,  by  which  time  I  shall  have  left.  "  Too 
late !  too  late !  "  I  return  to  my  nautical  authority  in  gold-banded 
cap.  "  Yes,"  says  he  briefly,  but  politely,  "  steamer  to  Swanage  at 
three,  and  back  here  by  5.15." 

"  Excellent  well,  i'  faith,"  I  return,  and  my  party  repeat  this 
expression  of  delight  in  chorus.  ' '  But,  pardon  me,  thou  ancient  gold- 
banded  mariner ;  is  the  fact  of  the  boat  leaving  at  three  a  secret 
known  to  you  only,  and,  it  may  be,  to  one  or  two  others  ?  " 

"  Nay,"  replies  mine  ancient,  "  'tis  advertised,  and  ye  will  find  it 
up  on  the  notice  board." 

Politely  we  refer  him  back  to  his  own  authority.  He  walks  to  the 
board,  and,  after  close  and  thorough  inspection,  he  is  taken  aback. 

"  Marry  come  upl  "  quoth  the  old  sea-dog,  his  timbers  shivering 
nnder  the  shock;  but,  it  ain't  been  put  in!"  And,  sure  enough, 
the  announcement  of  the  departure  of  the  second  boat  that  day  had 
been  omitted,  and  but  for  the  mere  accident  of  our  curiosity,  its 
departure  would  have  remained  unknown  to  all,  and  would  have  been 
hereafter  reckoned  as  among  the  Secrets  of  B'mouth. 

Swanage  deferred.  If  the  mountain  would  not  oome  to  MAHOMIT 
we  know  what  happened.  Bat  here  the  case  is  reversed ;  as  thus, 
the  raison  d'etre  of  Swanage  is  luncheon  and  lobster ;  and  if  you 
can  get  the  lunch  and  the  lobster  without  going  to  Swanage,  so  much 
the  better  for  the  consumer  on  the  spot,  and  so  much  the  worse  for 
Swanage.  The  Royal  Tepid  Bath  Hotel  produces  Swanage  lobsters 
and  lunch.  Ergo,  stay  and  enjoy  the  same  without  exertion. 
Subsequently  the  boat- prandial  pipe  and  the  thirty-nine  winks. 
Giant  refreshed.  Companion  proposes  Winter  Garden  (in  Spring), 
where  band  under  a  GODFREY,  not  DAN,  but  one  of  his  sons  (que  nous 
Damons .'),  discourses  lollingly,  and  an  Ethiopian  jangles  sweet  bells 
in  tune.  But  even  this  is  a  Secret  Entertainment,  as,  had  it  not  been 
for  the  knowledge  of  the  ways  of  the  place  possessed  by  one  of  our 
party,  I  should  have  missed  this  pleasantly  soothing  concert. 

Then  a  stroll  to  the  golf  links.  Here  B'mouth  sets  an  excellent 
example  to  all  golf-linking  seaside  resorts.  The  public  is  admitted 
free.  They  can  walk  about,  protected  by  nets  from  the  whacks  and 
thwacks  of  the  stalwart  ball-driving  golfers :  and  if  any  one  would 
play  the  game,  he  pays  and  plays. 

B'mouth  knows  how  to  enjoy  itself,  and  to  make  its  visitors  enjoy 
themselves.  It  lays  out  winter  gardens,  it  gives  first-rate  concerts 
daily  and  nightly ;  it  devises  golf-links,  croquet-grounds,  bowling- 
greens,  cricket-fields,  and  it  sets  up  restaurants ;  and  also  provides 
for  a  rainy  day  with  plenty  of  shelters. 

Only  one  fault  have  I  to  find  with  B'mouth,  and  that  is  its  unpre- 
cedented modesty.  For  possessing,  as  it  does,  all  these  attractions, 
it  makes  no  public  boast  of  them ;  and  it  is  only_with  difficulty  and 
considerable  enterprise  that  a  stranger  visiting  this  place  for  the  first 
time  can  discover  all  these  things.  Publicity  is  required.  But  once 
you  know  B'mouth,  there  are  few,  very  few  places  where,  at  all 
times  and  seasons,  and  on  all  days,  Sundays  excepted,  you  can  find  so 
much  and  to  varied  amusement ;  and  where,  taking  for  granted  the 
climate  agrees  with  you,  so  many  happy  days  of  living  out  of  doors 
can  be  spent.  I  have  been  there  and  still  would  go.  Also,  will — 
when  I  can. 

PUNCH  TO  JENNER. 
[Thursday,  May  14,  was  the  centenary  of  the  first  vaccination  by  JBNNER.] 

OH.  JENNEB,  each  generous  spirit 

Will  drink  to  your  memory  to-day  I 
From  you  what  a  boon  we  inherit, 

What  horrors  you  helped  drive  away  1 
'Gainst  the  curse  which  did  maim,  blind,  and  tetter 

Its  thousands,  you  gave  us  a  shield ; 
And  until  they  can  furnish  a  better, 

Fanatics  to  wisdom  must  yield. 
Let  Leicester  for  harshness  impeach  us ! 

But,  JENNEB,  just  were  it  not  jolly 
If  one  of  your  confreres  could  teach  us 

To  vaccinate  fools— against  folly  ? 


THOU  COMEST  IN  SUCH  A  QUESTIONABLE  SHAPE. — "Herr  IFF'S 
orchestra "  is  announced.  The  band  consists  of  IFF,  with  several 
'ands.  Whether  they  play  or  not  at  your  house  is  a  question  of 
"  If "  you  pay  them  and  "  If "  they  can  come.  Should  you  like 
their  performance,  you  will  indicate  your  desire  for  an  encore  by 
saying  to  the  conductor,  "  IFF,  you  please."  The  house  they  hire 
during  their  stay  in  London  will  be  entitled  "  Le  Chateau  <f  IFP." 


VOL.   CX 


242 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAT  23,  1896. 


THE    HOLIDAY   TASK. 

Eight  Hon.  Sir  J-hn  G-rst  ( "the  Coach,"  to  Master  Educatitm  Bill}.  "  IF  YOU  MBAN  TO  PASS  THE  COMMITTEE'S  EXAMINATION,  YOU 

MUST  WOKK,  WORK,  WORK!"     Aside.)    "AND  so  MUST  1 1" 


MAY  23,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


243 


Amateur  "  Minimus  Pott "  (who  has  called  at  the  office  twice  a  week  for  thiee  months).  "  GOULD  YOU  USE  A  LITTLE  POEM  OF  MINE  ?" 
Editor  (ruthlessly  determined  that  this  shall  be  his  final  visit).  "On,  I  THINK  so.     THERB  ARE  TWO  OR  THREE  BROKEN  PANES  OF 
GLASS,  AND  A  HOLE  IN  THE  SKYLIGHT.    How  LARGE  is  IT  ? " 


THE  NORMAN-NERUDA-HALLE  TESTIMONIAL. 

Os  Saturday  last,  at  noon,  Deputation  was  received  by  their  Riyal 
Highnesses  the  Prince  of  WALES  and  the  Princess  LOUISE,  at  Marl- 
borough  House. 

Lord  E-NT-RE,  stepping  forward,  begged  pardon  on  behalf  of  Hm- 
self  and  friends  for  calling  so  early,  aid  explained  ihn  object  of  the 
visit,  namely,  to  present  the  famous  violiniste.  Lady  HALLE,  with  a 
chalet,  which  he  regretted  he  had  not  been  able  to  bring  with  him, 
but  it  was  still 

The  chdlet  in  the  valley, 
Given  to  Lady  HALL£. 

He  apologised  for  dropping  |into  jpoetiy,  and  promised  their  Riyal 
Highnesses  not  to  do  so  again.  Also  there  was  a  cafcket  mcdellid  on 
the  ancient  Venetian  ones  left  to  Portia  by  her  ecofnMc  parent, 
containing  title  deeds,  names  of  donors,  with,  as  Digby  Grant  used 
to  eay,  "  a  little  cheque,"  and  all  sorts  ( f  nice  things.  When  empty 
it  could  be  used  for  a  wine-cooler,  a  biecuit-box,  a  foot- warmer,  or 
nfact  for  ans  thing,  it  being  as  useful  as  ornamental.  He  would 
BOV  proceed  to  open 

Here  His  Royal  Highness  intimated  to  Lord  K-HT-RE  that  as  he, 
Lord  K-NT-BE,  bad  alreedy  opened  the  proceedings,  it  must  be  left 
to  htm.  the  Prince,  to  open  the  casket-. 

Sir  EDW-BB  L-WS-N  observed  that  this  was  the  regular  stage 
bunness  in  The  Merchant  of  Venice.  ("  Hear  !  Hear  !  ") 

Mrs.  A.  L-w-s  (Miss  K-TE  T-BHY)  corroborated  Sir  EDW-RD,  and 
said  this  was  so.  It  was  invariably  the  Prince  who  opened  the  box. 
( Cheers.) 

Sir  W-IL-M  AGN-W  hoped  he  might  be  permitted  to  sav  a  few 
words.  (The  Royal  assent  having  been  given  to  this,  Sir  W-LL  M 
continued.) 

He  wished  Lady  HALLE  many  happy  returns  of  the  day.  ("  Hear! 
Hear  !  ")  He  felt  that  he  was  strung  up  to  concert-pitch  (the  only 
pitch  that  any  one  could  touch  and  come  out  with  elf  ai  hands),  and 
as  he  did  not  on  this  occasion  wish  to  play  first  fiddle,  he  would 


abridge  further  observations.  Lady  HALLE  had  ever  been  true  t  j 
herself,  true  to  the  bf  st  interests  of  her  art — tovjours  fidele—  and  he, 
as  everybody  else  did,  wished  her  many  years  of  happiness,  in 
perfect  harmony,  without  any  variations.  (Applause.) 

Mr.  ALFII-D  DE  R-THSCH-LD  hoped  he  might  be  allowed  to  convey 
his  deepest  sentiments  of  esteem  for  Lady  HALLE,  the  recipient  of 
the  testimonial.  He  begged  to  say  that  he  had  had  the  great  pleasure 
and  honour  of  her  personal  acquaintance  for  many  years,  and  though 
Lady  HALLE  was  " Nee  ruder"  yet  to  everybody  the  eminent 
viohniste  had  always  been  most  courteous, — Nay  politer  he  might 
say,  ard  would  have  said,  but  that  he  strongly  objected  to  any- 
thing at  all  resembling  a  pun.  Playing  on  a  violin  was  high  art, 
but  playing  on  a  string  of  words  was  an  art  in  which  he  (the  speaker) 
had  no  desire  to  excel.  He  highly  esteemed  Lady  HALLE  for  her 
excellent  and  various  qualities— he  might  say  her  "  Stradi-varius  " 
qualities.  ("Hear!  Hear!'"}  Wherever  Lady  HALLE  played,  it 
was  a  repetition  of  The  Norman  (Neruda)  Conquest.  (Cheers.)  He 
expressed,  he  was  sure,  the  feeling  of  the  entire  deputation  in  wishing 
long  life,  health,  and  happiness  to  Madame  NORMAN  NEBUDA,  Lady 
HALLE.  ( Great  applause. ) 

The  Prince  of  WALES  then,  in  a  few  w«ll  chosen  words,  graciously 
summed  up  the  whole  case,  including  the  ca&ket,  which  His  Royal 
Highness  proceeded  to  open  ia  State.  This  part  of  the  ortmonial 
was  most  imposing — the  gleaming  of  the  swc  rds,  the  brilliancy  of  the 
diamonds,  the  spier  dour  of  the  costumes,  the  I  luring  <  f  the  trumpets 
and  the  beating  of  the  drums,  combining  to  impress  <  n  the  memory, 
of  those  fortunate  fnoogh  to  be  preset  t,  a  scene  the  like  of  which 
not  the  most  Oriental  spier  dour  could  surpass. 

Miss  L-CY  T-RRY  L-w-s,  as  honorary  secretary,  *as  printed 
to  their  Royal  Highnesses,  who  thank*  d  her  for  her  gom  lervices 
in  the  especially  good  cause.  The  deputation  then  retired  to  slow 
music. 

[***  Since  the  above  appeared  injpriat,  it'has  comi'tr  our  knowledge  that 
our  reporter  was  not  present.  He  has  lefcfthe  country.  A  detective  is  on 
his  track. — ED.J 


244 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  23,  1896. 


SCENE — The  Steps  of  Burlington  House, 
Artist  (whose  work  has  been  hung  not  so  well  as  he  could  have  wished).   "AND  WHAT  ON 

EARTH  HAYS  THET  STUCK  LOBD  ROBERTS  UP  HERE  FOB?" 

Brother  Brush  (whose  picture  has  been  well  hung  and  well  sold).  "  WHY,  TO  BEHIND  THE 
PUBLIC   MY  BOY,  THAT  THEY  CAN'T  GO  IN  WITHOUT  PASSING  BOBS  ! " 


ROUNDABOUT   READINGS. 

TOM  HOOD  AS  A  POET.    (Contd.) 

I  HAVE  said  that  HOOD'S  right  to  such 
immortality  as  poetry  can  confer  comes  from 
a  comparatively  small  volume  of  literary 
"  baggage."  I  do  not  mean  that  his  output 
was  email.  No  man,  indeed,  worked  more 
assiduously  at  the  literary  business,  for 
on  the  proceeds  of  what  he  did  he  had  to 
provide  oread  for  himself  and  his  dear  ones. 
But  tome  of  his  chief  and  most  immediate 
successes  with  the  public  were  gained  by  him 
as  a  humorist,  apt  at  the  verbal  contortions 
which  CUABLES  LAMB  defended,  and  there- 
after the  public  would  have  him  chained  to 
an  oar  in  the  punning  galley.  His  wonderful 
feats  therein  are  remembered  for  and  against 
him  even  now,  and  it  cannot  be  doubted  that 


their  fame  has  obscured  the  higher  glory 
which  is  justly  his  as  a  true  poet,  a  master  of 
tragedy,  humour,  pathos,  and  music.  Still, 
when  all  necessary  deductions  have  been  made, 
and  when,  in  contemplating  what  remains,  an 
appreciator  can  say  to  himself,  "here  there 
is  no  piece  that  is  not  worthy  of  the  front 
rank,"  the  amount  left,  though  not  sur- 
prisingly large,  is  of  a  quite  extraordinary 
range  and  variety. 


OF  HOOD  as  a  sonnetteer  I  have  spoken, 
not,  as  I  believe,  with  a  higher  enthusiasm 
than  is  due  to  his  merits.  But  he  fingered 
too,  and  with  no  untaught  or  wavering  hand, 
the  larger  harp,  which  had  been  swept  by 
KEATS  and  SHELLEY.  I  do  not  say  that 
HOOD  reached  to  the  gusty  heights  of  passion 
•where  SHELLEY  controlled  his  whirl  winds  and 


his  lightnings,  but  some  of  SHELLEY'S  magical 
music  had  been  breathed  into  HOOD'S  song. 
And  of  KEATS'S  there  was  a  still  greater 
portion.  Yet  HOOD  was,  of  course,  no  imitator. 
Every  age  has  its  own  appropriate  language 
of  poetical  expression,  and  as  theElizabethans, 
on  the  one  hand,  seemed  to  find  a  natural 
voice  for  their  great  thoughts  in  the  mighty 
line  that  MABLOWE  and  SHAKSPEABE  wrought 
to  perfection,  and,  on  the  other  hand,  sported 
at  leisure  in  the  fascinating  lyrics  that  may 
be  found  in  Mr.  A.  H.  BULLEN'S  delightful 
book,  so  to  SHELLEY  KEATS,  and  HOOD  there 
pertained  in  common  a  style  in  which  their 
thoughts,  even  in  their  moments  of  highest 
exaltation,  flowed  with  untroubled  ease.  The 
similitude  must  not  be  strained  too  far,  but 
with  due  qualifications  it  un  questionably  exists. 

IN  the  "  Plea  of  the  Midsummer  Fairies," 
"  Lycus.  the  Centaur,"  "  Hero  and  Leander,' 
and  "The  Two  Peacocks  of  Bedfont."  one 
may  find  not  only  the  haunting  melody  and 
melancholy  by  which  HOOD'S  best  work  is 
marked,  but  also  a  perfection  of  expression, 
remarkable  verbal  felicity,  and  a  tingular 
power  of  painting  a  picture.    It  is  difficult  to 
•elect,  but  I  venture  to  quote  one  verse  from 
the  first  of  these  poems : — 
Then  next  a  fair  Eve-Fay  made  meek  address, 
Saying,  "  We  be  the  handmaids  of  the  Spring, 
In  sign  whereof,  May,  the  quaint  broideress, 
Hath  wrought  her  samplers  on  our  gauzy  wing. 
We  tend  upon  buds*  birih  and  blossoming, 
And  count  the  leafy  tributes  that  they  owe — 
As,  so  much  to  the  earth  -  so  much  to  fling 
In  showers  to  the  brook — so  much  to  go 
In  whirlwinds  to  the  clouds  that  made  them  grow." 

And  throughout  the  pitiful  plea  of  the  fairies 
one  finds  the  same  dainty  delicacy  as  of  the 
timid  rustle  of  many  fluttering  little  wings 
on  a  cool  and  moonlit  night. 

AND,  in  a  different  strain,  cm  anything  be 
more  touching  and  beautiful  than  "  I  lie- 
member,  I  Remember,"  with  iti  last  verse 
that  speaks  straight  to  every  heart : — 

I  remember,  I  remember 

The  fir-trees  dark  and  high ; 

I  used  to  think  their  slender  tops 

Were  close  against  the  sky : 

It  was  a  childish  ignorance, 

But  now  'tis  little  joy 

To  know  I  'm  farther  off  from  heav'n 

Than  when  I  was  a  boy. 

It  is  on  this  side  that  HOOD  comes  into  rela- 
tion with  THACKEBAY,  and  the  tie  grows 
stronger  as  one  reads  "  A  Retrospective 
Review  "  and  "  To ,  composed  at  Rotter- 
dam." For  instance  :— 

Then  here  it  goes,  a  bumper — 

The  toast  it  shall  be  mine, 

In  Schiedam  or  in  sherry, 

Tokay,  or  hock  of  Rhine ; 

It  well  deserves  the  brightest 

Where  sunbeam  ever  swam — 

"  The  girl  I  love  in  England  " 

I  drink  at  Rotterdam. 


IN  these  verses,  as  in  every  piece  of  verse 
he  wrote,  HOOD  displays  hi«  remarkable  mas- 
tery over  words,  his  power  of  juggling  with 
them,  of  adapting  them,  willy-nilly,  to  his 
purpose ;  of  making  them,  as  it  were,  dance 
to  his  music,  and  that  too  in  a  measure  that 
seems  the  perfection  of  rhythmical  ease.  A* 
in  athletic  exercises— in  gymnastics  let  us 
say,  or  in  oarsmanship — those  who  have  the 
highest  training  and  the  best  skill  perform 
the  hardest  feats  and  do  the  soundest  work 
with  a  grace  and  apparent  lack  of  exertion 
that  deceive  the  spectator ;  so  in  the  exercise 
of  words  the  great  masters  seem,  without 
striving,  to  obtain  just  the  right  and  necessary 
effect.  And  HOOD,  whether  we  consider  him 
as  a  punster  or  a  poet,  was  unquestionably  a 
great  master  of  words. 


MAT  23,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHA.RIVART. 


245 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

MB.  H.  W.  LUCY  has  done  many  good  things,  but  never 
anything  better,  in  its  way.  than  A  Diary  of  the  Home- 
Rule  Parliament,  1892-1895  (CJASSELL  &  Co.).  It  is  no 
BID  all  feat  to  write  of  the  proceedings  in  Parliament,  as  Mr. 
LUCY  does  day  by  day  and  week  by  week,  in  such  a  way  as 
to  make  the  reading  delightful  to  ordinary  readers ;  but  to 
make  the  past  records  of  the  two  Houses  amusing  anl  in- 
teresting, to  breathe  life  into  the  dry  bones  of  1892—1895 
is,  I  fancy,  a  record  performance  even  for  Mr.  LUCY.  He 
has  done  it  in  this  book,  and  done  it  in  a  style  so  crisp 
and  bright,  with  a  humour  so  abundant,  and  with  an  observa- 
tion so  keen,  that,  as  one  reads  it,  one  imagines  that,  for 
entertainment  and  sprightliness,  the  Houses  of  Commons 
and  of  Lords  must  be  the  finest  "Halls"  in  all  London. 
And  there  is  no  lack  throughout  the  480  pages  of  which 
the  book  is  composed  of  those  rarer  gifts  of  sympathy  and 
tolerance  which  have  giv«n  to  TOBY,  M.P.  (if  one  may  say 
so  in  the  pages  which  he  adorns),  the  very  highest  place 
among  Parliamentary  chroniclers. 

SHYLOCK  ON  THE  SITUATION. 

(Adapted  by  a  London  Merchant  and  a  sorely-burdened  Suburban 
Ratepayer,  after  studying  the  Agricultural  Land  Rating  Bill.) 

COMPANIES  are  but  "  Boards"  ;  Ministers  but  men;  there 
be  land-rat(e)s  and  water-rat(e)s,  land-thieves  and  water- 
thieves — I  mean  pirates  (or  high  rates) ;  and  then  there  are 
the  perils  of  water,  gas,  and  schools.  A  man  is,  nevertheless 

(they  think),  sufficient  1 

*  »  *  *  *  * 

My  Lords  and  Commons,  many  a  time  and  oft 
In  heavy  ratio  ye  have     rated"  me. 
Upon  my  monies  and  my  properties. 
Still  have  I  borne  it  with  a  patient  shrug, 
For  suff' ranee  is  the  badge  of  all  our  tribe. 
Again,  it  now  appears,  you  need  my  help ! 
Merchant  of  Venice,  Act  I.,  So.  3  (slightly  altered). 

"DAY-AFTEB-THE-FARE." —  There  is  a  heading  in  the 
Daily  News,  "  Last  Night's  Dinners."  There 's  something 
melancholy  about  the  title.  In  four  cases  out  of  ten  the 
remembrance  of  last  night's  dinner  will  be  a  happy  one. 
To  those  who  have  dined  "not  wisely  but  too  well"  last 
night's  feast  will  not  bear  the  reflections  of  the  morning 
after.  But  the  majority  who  have  dined  unwisely  will  not 
feel  too  well  next  morning,  and  when  they  see  the  feasts 
recorded  under  this  head  they  will  press  their  own,  and 
wish  they  had  never,  &o.,  &o. 

PBOPOSID  DECOBATIONS  FOX  BOABD  SCHOOLS  AND  POLICE 
COTJBTS.— In  the  first  the  study-rooms  should  be  hung  with 
Old  Masters  and  their  pupils;  and  in  the  second  there 
should  be  some  very  good  Constables. 

THE  GALLANT  CONSTABLE. 


sleeping  in  tne  open  ___   

Mr.  PLOWDKN  said  it  was  'perfectly  preposterous  to  bring  infants 
into  Court. .  .  .  Take  them  away.'  "—Westminster  Gazette.] 


SHEWERRT  X  0* 

ARTISTS  IN  HAIR 

:ACEMASSN 
lANORi 

CHIROPODY 

BLOOM  of  CUPID 

FORTHECOMPLEW 


IT  was  a  gallant  constable 

Who  paced  the  lonely  beat. 
With  faltering  st<p  and  quaking  heart 

He  walked  him  down  the  street. 

He  thought  with  pain  that  pierced  him 
And  made  his  W  ood  run  cola,  [1  hrc  ugh , 

What  he  thould  do  if  he  thould  meet 
Some  burglar  lad  and  bold. 

Some  bad  bold  man  who  would  not  heed 
The  cry,  "  Oh  I  spare  a  copper  I " 

But  would  attack  him  ruthlessly 
And  bring  him  down  a  cropper. 

Awhile  he  mused.    If  ne'er  he  caught 

A  criminal,  of  course, 
A  heartless  superintendent  would 

Dismiss  him  from  the  force. 

Just  then,  whilst  moot  he  pondered  there, 

Aghast  at  his  dileama, 
His  eafcle  sight  chanced  to  alight 

On  NELLIE  and  on  EMMA. 


Now  NELLIE  was  a  little  lass 
Who  boasted  summer  a  five, 

Whilst  EMMA  in  this  vale  of  woe 
Two  years  had  been  alive. 

These  two  upon  a  doorstep  there — 
An  angel  night  have  wept, 

So  young  aid  jet  so  full  of  crime  !- 
Alas!  these  infants  slept. 

And  slept  right  well.    As  later  on 
The  constable  swore  roundly, 

He  caught  them  in  the  very  act 
And  deed  of  sleeping  soundly. 

Ah !  who  can  adequately  pen 

His  deed  of  derring-do  ; 
How,  daring  all,  he  took  in  charge 

These  babes  of  five  and  two. 

Ntt  his  to  count  the  risk  he  ran, 
He  felt  his  conscience  bid 

Him  venture  everything.    It  was 
His  duty,  and  he  did. 


But  when  the  dawn  broke  o'er  the  land, 

Unconscious  of  their  fate, 
These  wicked  infants  had  to  come 

Before  a  magistrate. 

He  was  a  horrid,  feeling  man, 

And  only  chose  to  say, 
"  My  Court  is  not  a  nursery, 

So  take  the  babes  away." 

But  deeds  of  valour  ever  live, 

And  down  to  endless  fame 
Will  go  tbis  constable  without 

A  number  or  a  name. 

For  when  the  goodman  of  the  house 

A  story  wants  to  tell,  he 
Will  praise  the  man  who  dared  to  take 

The  sisters  EMMA— NELLIE. 


GOOD  OMEN  FOB  BIGHT  HON.  SEC.  OF 
COLONIES.— Revival  of  Jo  (at  Drury  Lane 
Theatre),  "  always  a  movin'  on !  " 


21*5 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  23,  1896. 


DETAIL. 


"IT    SEEMS    I'M    CONSIDERED    SO    LIKB    YOUR    BROTHER    FRED    IN    THE    GUARDS,     MRS. 
HOLSTER,    WE  'RE  ALWAYS   BEING  TAKES   FOR  EACH   OTHER.      Do  YOU  SKE  THE    LIKENESS  ? " 

"WELL,  NO.     HE  DOES  HIS  HAIR  so  DIFFERENTLY,  YOU  SEE!" 


|AT  THE  ROYAL  ACADEMY.! 

No.  285.  " Dr.  Williams,"  and  563,  "  The 
Sit  hop  of  London,"  both  by  HUBERT  HER- 
KOMKK,  k.A.,  bat  separated  by  a  difference 
of  278  pictures.  "Why  could  not  Professor 
HUBBBT  have  brought  these  two  distinguished 
Doctors,  one  of  Medicine,  t'other  of  Divinity, 
together  ?  There  is  some  iroiiy  in  the  placing 
of  these  two  admirable  portraits  so  far  apart. 
Both,  being  perfectly  executed,  might  nave 
beea  hung  together.  But  what  matter  ?  they 
ara  immortalised. 

No.  663.  "tfir  Peter  JEade,  M.P.,  Mayor 
of  Norwich,  1893-95,"  by  STANHOPE  A. 
FOBHFS,  A.  Stan-Hope  tells  a  flatttring  tale 


probably.  The  donora  of  this  "presentation 
portrait"  said  to  Mr.  FORBES  "  Take  'BADE," 
and  certainly  he  has  been  most  careful,  and 
the  picture  is  thoroughly  successful.  The 
motto  of  this  Mayor,  with  his  magnificent 
robes  and  chain  of  office,  ought  to  have 
been  adapted  from  SIMS  REEVES'S  song,  "  My 
Chain  I  my  Chain !  my  pretty  Chain !  "  But 
STANHOPE  A.  FORBES  didn't  think  of  it. 

No.  714.  Approach  with  awe  this  picture 
of  "  JEsm?  and  Katherine,  daughters  of  S. 
M.  Robb,  JEsq.,"  for  it  is  painted  by  one  of 
the  "El'  ct."  It  is  by  "GEOBGE  H.  BOUGHTON, 
11.  A.,  elect."  The  daughters  of  Itolb  would 
come  out  well  as  a  steel  engraving. 

No.  784.  "  At  the  Giudecca,  Venice:1 
When  the  subject  is  Venice,  be  quite  sure 


that  the  artist  is  WOODS.  The  only  Woods 
to  be  found  in  Venice  is  HENRY  WOODS.  R.  A. 

No.  809.  It  shows  a  nice  feeling,  free  from 
all  jealous  rivalry,  that  "  Her  Majesty's 
Yeomen  of  the  Guard"  should  be  painted 
by  a  "  Beadle."  And  this  "  Beadle  "  is  a 
"  J.P."  ! !  We  were  not  aware  till  now  that 
the  two  offioes  could  be  combined. 

No.  917.  "  Volunteers  for  a  Soat's  Crew." 
By  THOMAS  SOMERSCALES.  A  picture  notable 
per  sea. 

No. 932.  Mr. LANGLEY'S  " Sread-winners" 
are  coming  across'the  sand.  By  the  title,  we 
suppose  they  are  bringing  back  with  them  the 
"  roll  of  the  sea." 

In  our  acoount  of  first  visit  to  Royal 
Academy,  No.  660  was  given  as  "  The  Shep- 
herdess, #c.,"  whereas  th«  title  of  this 
charming  picture,  by  Mr.  GOODALL,  R.A., 
ought  to  have  been  "  Cloud  Shadows  over 
Sea  and  Land."  How  "The  Shepherdess" 
got  mixed  up  with  it  is  inexplicable,  except, 
perhaps,  that  "  clouds "  are  frequently  de- 
ecribed  as  "  fleecy." 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

Aw  OLD  CROQUET-PLAYER  RUMINATES. 

I  LIKE  to  see  a  game  revive 

Like  flower  refreshed  by  raia, 
And  so  I  «ay,  "  May  oroqaet  thrive, 

And  may  it  live  again  !  " 
It  brings  back  thoughts  of  long  ago, 

And  memories  most  sweet, 
When  AMY  lovtd  her  feet  to  slow 

In  tines  too  small,  but  neat. 

I  think  I  can  see  AMY  now, 

Her  vengeful  arm  upraised 
To  croquet  me  to  where  a  cow 

Unheeding  chewed  and  grazed. 
And  AMY'S  p'owess  with  the  ball 

Reminds  me  that  her  style 
Was  not  so  taking  after  all 

As  FANNY'S  skill  plus  smile. 

Yes !  FANNY  had  a  winsome  laugh. 

That  round  her  mouth  would  wieath, 
And  make  me  wonder  if  her  chaff 

Was  shaped  to  show  her  teeth. 
They  were  so  pretty,  just  like  pearls 

Set  fast  ia  carmine  case ; 
Still  in  the  match  between  the  girls 

SELINA  won  the  racs. 

SKLINA  had  such  lustrous  eyes 

Of  real  sapphire  blue, 
They  seemed  one's  soul  to  mesmerise, 

And  looked  one  through  and  through. 
Yet  AGNES  I  cannot  forget, 

She  brought  me  joy  with  pain. 
I  would  that  we  had  never  met 

"  Your   stroke  !  "    That  voice  1    My 
JANE! 


"  AUDI    ALTEBAM     PABTBM."  —  The     Pall 

Mall  Gazette, Wednesday,  13th  inst.,  informed 
us  that  "  Miss  NETHERSOLE  is  back  from  the 
State),  laden  with  wealth,  and  palpitating 
with  a  desire  to  show  London  that  burning, 
passionate  *  Carmen '  kiss  which  made  such 
a  semation  on  the  other  tide."  Now,  she 
will  try  the  osculatory  business  on  the  right 
side,  having  finished  with  the  other  side, 
which  is  now,  to  her,  the  left  tide.  We 
know  that  "  Kissing  goes  by  favour,"  and  if 
this  kiss  smacks  of  the  kind  that  takes  with 
the  public,  then  is  Miss  NETHERSOLE  sure  of 
success  in  London,  and  her  "kies"  will  be 
"  the  hit "  of  the  piece. 


THE  RETRIBUTION  OF  CENTURIES.— ABEL 
has  already  made  hundreds  of  runs  for  Surrey 
when  playing  with  a  cane-spliced  bat. 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHAMVAJRL— MAY  23,  1896. 


JONATHAN'S   LATEST. 


SHADE  or  CoLOir.rs  (asiih).  "  HAD  I  FORESEEN  IT  WOULD  HAVE  COME  TO  THIS --CARAMBA  !— I  WOULD 

NEVER  HAVE  DISCOVERED  AMERICA  !  » 


MAY  23,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


249 


Le  Hoi  Jean  de  Seszke   (a   lui 
meme).  "  L'opera,  c'est  moi !  " 


THE    POLYGLOTOPERA. 

Leaves  from  our  Covent  Gardenia  Note-Hook.  Monday, — Open- 
ing of  the  Polyglotopera.  1}  Ouverture  de  I'  Opera,  and  if  the  success 
of  the  Opera  is  only  up  to  thatof  the  Ouverture,  DBUBIOLANUS  OPEBA- 

Ticus  will  be  a  prouder  and  happier 
man  than  ever.  The  event  of  to- 
night, and  of  the  season,  is  the  re- 
turn rf  Brother  JOHN,  alias  JEAN 
DP;  KM/KK,  after  unavoidable 
absence.  House  enthusiastic  for 
Brother  JOHN  a«  Romeo,  a  big 
Romeo  physically  and  operatically; 
and  likewise  evincing  great  delight 
at  once  again  seeing  Miss  EMMA 
EAMES,  who  at  end  of  first  and 
second  acts  is  recipient  of  floral 
tributes  presented  via  Signor  MAN- 
CINELLI,  who  is  permitted  to  take 
a  sniff  at  'em,  and  then  has  to 
"stand  and  deliver"  the  floral 
tributes  smilingly.  Signor  RENAL- 
DINI  conies  out  strong  as  Benvoglio, 
a  name  originally  intended  by 
SHAKESPEARE  as  a  quiz  on  his 
somewhat  quarrelsome  friend  BEN 
JONSON.  This  fact  not  generally 
known,  but  interesting.  At  some 
time  of  the  evening  the  National 
Anthem  was  sung,  but  this  depo- 
nent has  not  as  yet  met  anybody 
who  was  in  time  to  hear  it  if  it 
came  first,  or  who  stayed  to  hear 
it,  if  it  came  last.  Everyone  de- 
lights to  ECS  the  ever-useful  and 
ornamental  Mile.  BATTEBMEISTEB  as 
Gertrude.  Good  augury  for  season. 
Tuesday.  —  MASCAGNI'S  Caval- 
leria,  in  Italian,  and  HTJMPEHDINCK'S  Hansel  and  Gretel,  in  English. 
The  latter  ought  to  have  been  in  German.  Cavalleria  Rusticana 
with  MAGGIE  MACINTYBE  as  Santuzza.  Hardly  fair  on  MAGGIE  so 
soon  after  CALVE.  MAGGIE,  in  dark  wig  and  with  sunburnt  face, 
unrecognisable.  BATJEBMEISTEB,  Nurse  Gertrude  last  night,  is 
Mother  Lucia  to-night,  and  afterwards  appears  as  a  good  elf  in 
HTTMPEBDINCK'S  Hansel  and  Gretel.  This  opera,  in  three  acts,  very 
delightful,  but  too  long.  Miss  MARIE  ELBA  excellent  as  boy 
Hansel,  and  Miss  JESSIE  HUDDLESTON  equally  good  as  Gretel :  but 
for  three  acts  to  depend  entirely  on  two  Babes  in  the  "Wood,  with  a 
German  nutcracker  of  a  woodman,  capitally  played  and  sung  by  Mr. 
DAVID  BISPHAM,  with  just  a  sprinkling  of  the  very  archest  angels, 
pantomime  \»itch,  and  fairies,  thrown  in,  rather  too  much.  So 
quitted  at  11.30,  humming  HDMPEBDINCK'S  melodies,  more  or  less 
correctly,  and  looking 
forward  to 

Wednesday. —  DONI- 
ZETTI'S La  Favorita—& 
heavy  favourite — with 
debutante  Madame 
HANTKLLI,  who  has  an 
enthusiastic  reception, 
and  is,  as  WAGSTAFF 
in  the  lobby  observes, 
"physic'lly  and 
mant'lli  fitted  for  the 
part."  Shan't  speak  to 
WAGGY  again.  But  he 
will  lurk  in  dark  corner 
and  pounce  out  upon 
me  with  "  another  good 
*un."  Signor  ANCONA 
prends  le  gateau  as 
Alfonso.  DBTJRIOLANTJS 

COVENTGAB  DENENSIS, 

dropping   into   poetry, 
observes — 

"CBBMONINI  as  Fer- 
nando, 

Does  the  part  as  well  as 
man  can  do." 

He  pronounces  "  Man- 
can-do"   as  one  word     The  German  Master  Sandford  and  Miss  Merton. 

and  so  mistaking  him,  an  astute  friend,  ever  in  search  of  forth- 
coming novelty,  inquires  "who  is  MANCANDO?"  whereat  DBUBIO- 
LANUS  winketn  the  other  eye,  and,  putting  portentous  finger  to 
nose,  refuges  to  give  him  the  tip  (requiring  it  himself),  and  so 


gracefully  retires.  Beneficent  BEVIGNANI  conducts.  Orchestra 
admirable. 

Thursday.— French  and  Italian  night.  GOUNOD'S  Philemon,  and 
LEONCAVALLO'S  Pagliacci.  Now,  as  we  are  in  for  Polyglottic  season, 
probable  annoncements  will  be, — Frying  Dutchman,  in  Dutch  (single 
and  double) ;  Faust,  in  German ;  L'Africaine,  in  Spanish  and 
Ethiopian:  Peter  the  Great,  in  Russian;  Les  Huguenots,  in 
French;  Falstaff,  in  English  ;  Cavalleria,  in  Sicilian  patois;  Semi- 
r amide,  in  Egyptian;  Norma,  in  Welsh  and  Latin.  N.B.— Any 
subscribers  wishing  for  any  characters  in  an  opera  to  be  sung  in  some 
particular  dialect,  will  kindly  give  notice  ten  days  beforehand,  and 
their  wishes  will  be  attended  to.  Evidently  to  be  a  member,  male 
or  female,  of  the  chorus  at  the  Royal  Polyglottic  Opera,  is  "  a  liberal 
education  in  itself." 

Friday  Night. — Faust.  JBAN  DE  RaezKE,  Faust ;  t'other  DE 
RESXKE,  Mephistopheles.  But,  as  ill  luck  would  have  it,  T'other 
One  was  taken  ill,  and  M.  PLAIN  SONG,  otherwise  PLAN^ON,  is  his 
satisfactory  substitute.  Then  at  last  moment  Brother  JEAN,  it 
was  reported,  hurt  his  ankle,  either  in  getting  out  of  a  lath 
or  off  a  bicycle,  and  couldn't  sing.  So  M.  BONNABD  came  to 
the  rescue  of  RESXKE,  and  appeared  as  Faust.  But  why  should 
hurting  his  ankle  have  prevented  the  JOHNNIE  from  singing  ? 
Surely  he  might  have  come  on  in  a  bath-chair,  and  have  made  love 
to  Marguerite  Fames  just  as  well  seated  as  walking  about.  And 
think  now  touching  the  scene  in  the  garden  would  have  been, 
ending  with  invalided  Faust  wheeled  by  Mephisto  up  to  the  window, 
and  stretching  out  from  his  bath-chair  to  embrace  Maggie.  However, 
this  wasn't  done,  and  BONNABD  amply  satisfied  the  abonnes,  including 
critical  Royalties.  Opera  went  Faust-rate. 

Miss  EAMES  wore  a  novelty  in  peasants'  caps ;  her  appearance  in 
the  cathedral  scene  being  somewhat  suggestive  of  old  portraits  of 
Mrs.  SIDDONS  with  her  head  bound  up  as  Lady  Macbeth  suffering 
from  toothache.  Poor  Marguerite !  Another  trouble  added  to 
her  woes ! ! 

Saturday. — Rentree  of  Madame  ALBANI,  with  the  two  novelties, 
CBEMONINI  as  Lohengrin,  and  MANTELLI  as  the  Naughty  'Aughty 
Ortruda  Intruder.  Madame  ALBANI  always  delightful  as  FAsa, 
"though  personally,"  observes  WAGSTAFF,  taking  me  unawares, 
"  I  would  rather  see  her  as  somebody  else- a  in  another  opera. 
This  is  to  me  a  bit  heavy.  Nothing  light  or  amusing,  eh  ?  There 's 
no  laugh  in  Lohengrin,  though  there 's  always  a  '  grin '  in  it."  At 
sound  of  MANCINELLI  rapping  his  desk  sharply,  and  looking  round 
severely  straight  at  WAGSTAFF,  the  latter  disappears,  and,  for  this 
night  only,  is  heard  no  more.  End  of  lirat  Polyglottic  Opera  week. 
DBUBIOLINTJS  delighted.  Public  ditto. 


"  OUR  BOBBY." 
SUNG  B?  A  SOBREY  MAN. 

[ROBERT  ABEL,  the  Surrey  Cricketer,  has  already  this  season  made  three 
successive  innings  of  over  a  hundred,  one  of  them  topping  the  two  hundred.] 

Aia— "  Comin'  Thro1  the  Eye:' 


GIN  our  Bomsy  meet  a  loose  one 

Coming,  low  or  high, 
Gin  our  BOBBY  smite  that  loose  one, 

"Won't  that  loose  one  fly  1 
Surrey's  BOBBY,  short  and  cobby, 


Hath  sure  hand  and  eye ; 
And  Surrey  shouts   when 

A-BEL 

Smacks  up  a  century ! 


BOB 


Gin  our  BOBBY  hits  a  hundred 

Three  times  running — well, 
Surrey  long  time  of  her  BOBBY 

Will  that  story  tell  I 
Ilka  county  has  its  crack  bat,  * 

Surrey  man  am  I, 
And  Surrey's  BOBBY   bears   the 
bell, 

Yells  Surrey  in  full  cry  I 


AHTIQUABIAN  AND  MODEBN.— The  name  of  the  Coroner  at  Bethnal 
Green  is  Dr.  WYNN  WESTCOTT.    Evidently  old  family. 
"  A  painted  vest  Prince  VOHTKJBRN  had  on 
"Which  from  a  naked  Pict  his  grandsire  won." 

Dr.  WYNN  WESTCOTT  clearly  descended  from  Prince  VOBTIGERN, 
who  took  the  name  of  "  Win- West-got."  Subsequently  "Wynn 
Westoott."  After  searching  among  traditions  of  his  ancient  line — 
which  should  be  a  clothes-line— Dr.  WYNN  WESTCOTT  is  reported  to 
have  said,  the  other  day,  that,  the  union  of  two  blind  people  who 
met,  loved,  married,  and  lived  happily  ever  afterwards,  was  "  the 
most  remarkable  marriage  he  had  ever  heard  of."  But  why  V  Love 
is  blind :  and  in  a  true  love-match  both  parties  are  quite  blind.  And 
so  may  they  always  continue  to  be,  blind,  that  is,  to  each  other's  faults. 

"  PINNY  WISP."— For  a  golden  penny  of  the  thirteenth  century 
somebody  gave  £250  at  the  famous  MONTAGU  collection  sale.  At  this 
rate,  some  of  us  could  live  on  two-pence  for  some  considerable  time, 
without  extravagance. 

A  CBICKET  CHIEF.— Mr.  C.  I.  THOBNTON  is  familiarly  known  as 
'  Buns,"  doubtless  from  his  current  style. 


250 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAT  23,  1896. 


MAY  23,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


251 


MASTEK  WILLIAM. 

With  Apologies  to  the  Author  of 
"  Alice  in  Wonderland.") 

["  Private  letters  received  from 
ienna  report  that  the  Emperor 
WILLIAM  is  by  no  means  satisfied 
with  the  result  of  bis  interview  with 
King  HUMBERT  at  Venice.  .  .  .  The 
Emperor  strongly  recommended  King 
HUMBERT  to  ignore  England,  and  to 
seek  to  bring  about  a  better  under- 
standing with  Eussia  and  France ; 
but  he  utterly  failed  to  change  His 
Majesty's  sentiments." — Westminster 
Budget.} 

"You  are  young,  Master  WIL- 

LIAM,"  the  old  Sage  said, 
"  And  vou  are  not  a  SOLOMON, 

quite ; 
And  yet  of  Creation  you  'd  stand 

on  the  head- 
Do  you  think,  at  your  age,  it 's 
polite?" 

"  As  to  youth,"  Master  WILLIAM 

replied,  "  that 's  your  fun ; 

Just  look  at  my  birth— and  my 

brain  I !  I 
The  rest  of  Creation,  I  'm  certain, 

has  none, 

And  its  very  last  chance  is  my 
reign  I " 

"  You  are  young ! "  said  the  Sage, 

"  as  I  mentioned  before, 
And  can  hardly  know  what  you 

are  at ; 
But  you  sent  a  ridiculous  wire  to 

the  Boer— 

Now  what  was  your  object  in 
that?" 

"In  my  bib,"  said  the  boy,  "I 

once  read,  on  the  sly, 
The    story    of    '  Little    Jack 

Horner ' ; 

And  now  I  've  my  finger  in  every- 
one's pie, 
And  every  corner's  my  corner  I " 


WHAT  OUB  DRAMATIST  HAS  TO  PUI  UP  WITH. 

His  Wife  (reading  a  Sunday  paper),  "A  PROPOS  OF  HAMLXT,  THEY 

SAT  HERE  THAT  YOU  AND   SgAKSPEARB    REPRESENT  THE  VERY  OPPO- 
SITE POLES  OF  THE  DRAMATIC  ART!" 

He.    "AH  I  THAT  'S  A  NASTY  ONK  FOR  SHAKSPEARE  I  " 


"  You  are  young  I "  said  the  Sage, 

' '  and  your  j  adgment  is  weak, 

Your  sohemes  are  as  strong  as 

—chopped  suet  I 
Yet  you  give  the  whole  universe 

lots  of  your  cheek  I 
Do  tell  why  the  dickens  you  do 
it  I"    ' 

"My  will,"  said  the  youth,  "is 

the  General  Law  1 
And  to  argue  with  me  leads  to 

strife! 
[f  the  world  will  obey  when  /open 

my  jaw, 

Things  will  go— for  the  rest  of 
my  life  I" 

"  You  are  young  I "  said  the  Sage. 

"Do  you  really  suppose 
You  can  bass  the  Alliance  for 

ever ; 
And  balance  the  world  like  an  eel 

on  your  nose  ? 

What  makes  you  c  Dnoeive  you  're 
so  clever  ?  " 

"  I  'm  boss  of  three  nations,  bat 

that 's  not  enough," 
Said  the  boy,  "  HUMBERT  gives 

himself  airs. 
If  he  tilks  of  the  English  entente 

and  such  stuff, 

I  shall  just  have  to  kick  him 
downstairs  I " 


A  MUSICAL  NOTE. — Those  who 
were  unable  to  attend  Hen*  WILLY 
BURMISTER'S  second  violin  recital 
(it  is  a  proof  of  modesty  for  one 
who  is  First  Fiddle  to  play  a  second 
violin)  have  sinoe  lamented  to  the 
tune  of  "  Oh,  Willie  we  have 
Missed  You!" 


AXIOM  IN  THE  DIVORCE  COURT. 
— The  promise  of  May  is  often  the 
judgment  of  JEUNE. 


THE  BOLD  BUCCANEER. 

(An  Up  to-date  Drawing  room  Ballad  for  Young 
Britons  of  "Elizabethan "  Enthusiasm.) 

OH,  if  I  'd  my  choice  of  a  living, 
I  'd  fain  be  a  Bold  Buccaneer, 
Hot  beans  to  the  Boers  gaily  giving, 

And  besting  the  bumptious  Mynheer. 
A  latter-day  DRAKE,  or  a  RILEIGH, 

IP  jurt  what  would  suit  me — you  bet  I 
JOE  's  scruples  do  maks  me  feel  crawly, 
Me— and  the  St.  James's  Gazette. 
I  do  hate  these  days  of  decorum. 

Law,  order,  and  all  such  small  beer, 
Rum  and  gunpowder  mix  for  my  jorum  I 
I  'd  fain  be  a  Bold]Bucoaneer  \M 

Queen  BESS  knew  a  man  when  shejsaw  him ; 

Now  if  a  true  hero  runs  loose, 
There 's  lemoa-tonguedLABBY  to  "jaw  "  him, 

And  OOM  PAUL  to  twist  him  a  noose. 
Oil  I  would  /were  Elizabethan, 

And  singeing  the  King  o'  SPAIN'S  beard ! 
BEFS  nothing  loved  better  to  see  than 
One  who^Don  or  Devil  ne'er  feared. 
She  'd    have   given   the   Dutchman    a 

drubbing, 

And  made  our  new  CECIL  a  Peer. 
Now  a  raid  sets  us  funking  and  blubbing, 
I  'd  fain  be  a  Bold  Buccaneer  I 

Gallant  DRAKE,  we  're  now  told,  was  a  pirate, 
And  RALEIGH  a  mere  filibuster  ! 

British  prestige  W9uld  stand  at  a  high  rate 
If."  Robbers  "  like  them  we  could  muster. 


Bat  now  if  a  RHODES  goes  a -raiding, 

He 's  promptly  thrown  over — by  JOE, 
Midst  crass  Nonconformist  upbraiding, 
And  Radical  hullaballoo. 
If  a  patriot  mustn't  turn  raider, 

For  fear  of  some  blooming  Mynheer, 
Let  who  will  be  Soldier  or  Trader, 
I  'd  fain  be  a  Bold  Buccaneer ! 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  PROM  THB  DIAB.Y  OP  TOBY,  M.I>. 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  May  11. — 
"  Yes,  TOBY,  I  am  very  much  touched  with 
my  reception  to-night,"  said  Professor  JEBB, 
polishing  the  nap  of  his  hat  with  the  cuff  of 
his  coat.  "I  am  one  of  those  persons  who 
suffer  on  entrance  to  House  of  Commons  by 
having  established  re]  citation  outside.  Of 
course  on  my  own  dunghill  at  Cambridge,  if 
I  please  to  crow,  I  expect  to  receive  respectful 
attention.  It 's  different  here.  Think  I  've 
heard  you  don't  like  Professors?  Neverthe- 
less, 1  had  close  and  respectful  hearing: 
throughout  my  speech  on  Education  Bill.  It 
was  the  demonstration  at  the  end  that  almost 
took  my  breath  away  with  pleasure.  Been 
speaking  for  more  than  half  an  hour.  Had 
worked  off  one  of  my  perorations.  No  use 
being  niggardly,  you  know.  Was  at  trouble 
to  frame  three;  one  in  Greek;  thought  it 
would  have  good  effect ;  would  raise  tone  of 
debate. 

"  Consulted  my  colleague  JOHN  OF  GOKST. 
Said  yes,  it  might  do  if  1  would  make  trans- 


lation, have  it  printed  in  slips  and  sent  round. 
Otherwise  he  was  afraid  the  Borough  Mem- 
bers would  think  I  had  dropped  into  Welsh. 
That  hardly  seemed  worth  while.  So  gave  up 
the  Greek ;  cut  d  )wn  perorations  to  bare  two : 
delivered  one,  I  trust  not  without  grace,  cer- 
tainly not  without  effect.  House  not  spe- 
cially crowded  at  imment.  Fancy  they  didn't 
know  I  was  going  to  speak  ;  benches  opposite 
pretty  fall.  When  I  came  t)  last  word  of 
peroration  Number  One,  Members  opposite, 
unable  any  longer  to  control  their  feelings, 
with  one  accord  Jeiped  to  their  feet. 

"  There  were  forty  of  them  at  least.  Have 
read  of  this  kind  of  thing  before,  you  know. 
During  hot  crises  of  Home-Rule  Debate,  the 
conclusion  of  Mr.  G.'s  great  speeches,  his 
tutoring  and  leaving  the  House  at  particular 
epochs,  were  made  occasion  for  similar  demon- 
strations. Members  being  on  their  feet  waved 
their  hats  and  cheered.  Q,  uite  exp  acted  excited 
crowd  opposite  me  to  do  the  same.  Fancy, 
they  were  afraid  of  SPEAKER  interfering. 
Anyhow,  each  man  of  them  stood  with  head 
craned  forward,  eye  fixed  with  agonized  glance 
on  SPEAKER.  Soene  almost  painful  in  its  in- 
tensity; didn't  desire  to  prolong  it.  So.  bow- 
ing my  acknowledgments,  and  with  difficulty 
controlling  my  emotion,  I  went  on  again. 

"  At  sound  of  my  voice,  Members  opposite 
plumped  down  into  their  seats  with  such  naste 
that  one  inadvertently  put  his  hat  on  in  the 
wrong  place.  This  too  much  for  friends  near 
me,  who  burst  into  roar  of  laughter.  Djn't 
think  it  laughing  matter.  The  whole  seen  3 


252 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAT  23,  1896. 


evidence  of  the  honourable  emotion  that  underlies  ordinarily  repel- 
lant  appearance  of  House.  It  is  profoundly  moved  by  Bound  argu- 
ment conveyed  in  lucid  speech,  occasionally  rising  to  flights  of 
eloquence.  Wish  I  knew  Member  who  audibly  eat  on  his  hat; 
would  like  secretly  to  convey  to  him  a  new  one." 

Pity  SARK  wasn't  by  to  hear  this.  He  would  cheerfully  have  told 
the  Professor  he  was  labouring  under  a  misapprehension ;  that  the 
crowd  of  Members  leaping  to  their  feet  thought  he  had  finished  his 
speech,  and  were  merely  trying  to  catch  the  SPEAKER'S  eye.  I,  more 
tender-hearted,  said  nothing. 

Business  done. — Speech  making  round  Education  Bill. 

Tuesday.—  Spite  of  all  bints  to  the  contrary,  there  is  a  good  deal  of 
humour  about  the  House  of  Commons.  Nothing  could  be  finer  in 
its  way  tban  assumption  on  Opposition  side  of  indignant  prief  at 
PBINCE  ABTHUB'S  determination  to  close  to-night  debate  on  Educa- 
tion Bill.  Been  dragging  on  forlornly  through  five  nights — or  is  it 
five  weeks  F  On  successive  days  has  been  first  order.  House  usually 
full  at  question  time.  Questions  over,  SPEAXEB  observes,  "  The 
Clerk  will  now  proceed  to  read  the  Orders  of  the  Day." 

Instantly  movement  amongst  serried  ranks.  Clerk's  response 
quickens  it.  "  The  Education  Bill ;  second  reading."  These 
simple  words  act  npon  gathering  like  a  cry  of  "  Fire !  "  Everybody 
makes  for  the  door — everybody  save  JOHN  OF  GOBST,  who,  as 
Minister  in  charge  of  Bill,  must  at  least  put  on  appearance  of 
attending  to  debate ;  a  Member  of  Front  Opposition  Bench  deputed 
to  represent  a  late  and  now  absent  Ministry;  and  some  thirty  or 
forty  Members  dispersed  over  benches.  Every  man  of  these  last  is 
clutching  the  paper  he  hopes  to  be  able  to  read,  hungrily  watching 
the  Member  on  his  feet,  anxious  chiefly  to  know,  not  what  he  thinks 
of  the  four-shilling  grant,  the  new  local  authority,  or  the  Cowper- 
Temple  clause,  but  at  what  precise  minute  he  will  tit  down,  and 
make  opening  for  another. 

Of  course  there  have  been  variations,  when  some  important  or 
attractive  speaker  has  taken  up  the  running.  But  this  the  general 
aspect.  Then  comes  PBINCE  ABTHUB  with  the  blessed  shears,  and 
threatens  to  out  the  thin  spun  thread.  Instantly  Opposition  get  their 
b  ick  up.  If  there  is  one  thing  Members  to  left  of  SPBAKEB  desire  more 
eirnestly  than  opportunity  for  taking  part  in  debate,  it  is  the  luxury 
of  hearing  others  speak.  Their  emotion  so  overpowering,  cmnot 
trust  themselves  to  remain  in  their  places  through  this  the  last 
prized  opportunity.  Through  the  long  hours  benches  empty  ;  aspect 
<  f  place  as  dreary  as  heretofore.  As  for  SQUIRE  OF  MALWOOD,  moch 
as  he  has  suffered  through  a  blameless  life,  this  the  unkindest  cat 
of  all.  If  there  was  for  him  one  pathway  on  which  Duty  and  Plea- 
sure met,  and  walked  hand  in  hand  in  placid  delight,  it  was  listening 
to  debate  on  Education  Bill.  Hardly  could  he  be  torn  away  from 
Front  Bench  to  eit  a  dry  crust.  As  for  a  cigar,  wouldn't  look  at 
one  longer  than  his  forefinger.  Looking  forward  through  it  all  to 
pleasu»  e  of  himself  contributing  to  the  swelling  tide  of  heart-stirring 
eloquence  that  had  spethed  around  this  stage  of  the  Bill.  Proposal 
to  closure  debate  on  the  fifth  night  too  much  for  him. 

"  If  they're  going  to  closure,"  said  he,  "Jet them  gag  me  too." 

So  the  nobJest  Komaa  of  them  all  fat  in  statuesque  silence,  an 
attitude  infinitely  more  eloquent  than  the  most  persuasive  speech. 

Busine**  done, — Second  reading  Education  Bill  carried  by  423  votes 
against  156. 

Thursday. — The  crowning  distress  of  agriculture  is,  that  it  is 
personally  represented  in  House  of  Commons  by  the  plumpest  of  our 
fellow-kind,  sleek-headed  men,  and  such  as  sleep  o'  nights.  It  has 
ever  been  thus.  Years  ago,  the  sorrows  of  the  farmer  used  to  be 
chanted  by  JAMES  HOWABD,  Member  for  Bedfordshire  in  the  1880-5 
Parliament.  He  was  himself  something  in  the  agricultural  imple- 
ment line,  and  had  many  means  of  knowing  how  farming  business 
prospered  or  otherwise.  Then,  as  now,  it  was  generally  otherwise. 
But  when  HOWABD  was  on  his  feet,  his  rosy  face  illumined  with 
content,  his  paunchy  person  plainly  fall  of  best'  or  mutton,  the  whole 
thing  came  to  have  farcical  air  predestinating  bis  advocacy  to  defeat. 

Same  in  its  way  to-day  with  the  more-than-ever  ruined  farmer. 
SQUIBB  OF  BLA.NKNEY,  in  charge  of  Rating  Bill,  can  hardly  be 
regarded  as  an  object-lesson  in  agricultural  distress.  When  resist- 
ing amendments,  he  does  his  best  to  put  on  haggard  look.  Bat 
success  not  thorough. 

Then  there 's  Major  lUscii,  with  whose  constituents  in  Essex  things 
are  so  bad  that  he  always  walks  to  London  at  opening  of  Session. 
To-night  he  came  up  again  with  his  dolorous  tale.  Once  in  happy 
Essex  it  was  twenty  tenants  running  after  a  farm  ;  now  it  is  twenty 
farms  running  after  a  tenant.  As  for  the  landlords  their  petition  is 
hopeless. 

"Isn't  there  someone  in  SHAXSPEABE,  TOBY,  dear  boy,"  he  said, 
as  he  dallied  over  the  basin  of  soupe  maigre  that  serves  for  his 
evening  meal,  "  who  remarks,  '  See  what  a  rent  the  envious  Casca 
made '  ?  I  don't  remember  at  the  moment  what  line  of  business 
Casca  took,  whether  he  owned  land  or  houses.  But  I'll  undertake 
to  say  that  if  he  '11  come  down  to  Essex  and  put  his  money  in  land, 
he  '11  make  no  rent  at  all." 

This  doubtless  not  exaggeration  of  a  sad  case.    Only  to  have  it  set 


forth  by  a  man  of  RANCH'S  appearance— plnmp,  well  set  up,  well 
dressed,  to-night  gay  with  bouquetted  button-hole — there  is  certain 
incongruity  about  situation  that  fatally  militates  against  effect  of 
appeal.  Business  done.— In  committee  on  Agricultural  Rating  Bill. 

EUSS  VERY  MUCH  IN  URBE. 

(By  our  Trusted  Correspondent  at  the  Coronation,') 

You  were  quite  right  to  let  me  go  to  Moscow  in  good  time.  As 
you  had  foreseen,  Apartments  were  at  a  premium.  I  have  had  the 
greatest  difficulty  in  getting  what  is  called  over  here  a  shakdownski. 
It  is  a  sort  of  termwrary  shelter.  I  sleep  on  a  couchoff—&  kind  of 
sofa— situated  in  what  they  quaintly  term  a 
thirdfloorbackski.  My  room  is  very  near  the 
clouds,  or.  to  use  Russian,  the  skisky.  The 
place  is  filling  fast,  but  at  present  most  of  the 
important  personages  are  absent.  The  Duke 
and  Duchess  of  CONNAUGHT  will  be  here  be- 
fore this  packet  reaches  you.  As  you  know, 
H.R.H.  commands  at  Aldershot,  and  the 
Duchess  is  the  daughter  of  that  gallant  warrior 
who  was  known  in  the  Franco-  German  "War  as 
"  the  Red  Prince."  All  the  military  men  of 
the  various  nationalities  are  wearing  their 
uniforms.  Those  who  come  from  England, 
appear  usually  in  scarlet. 

And  now,  no  doubt,  you  would  like  some 
account  of  Moscow.  Well,  a  good  deal  of  it 
has  been  re-built  since  it  was  burned  to  the 
basement  in  the  time  of  NAPOLEON  THE  GREAT. 
When  the  fire  to  which  I  refer  took  place, 
the  snow  was  lying  thick  on  the  ground — 
at  the  moment  of  writing  the  trees  are  in  leaf  and  the  flowers  in 
bloom.  Of  course,  I  was  not  present  at  the  conflagrationoff 
(Russian  for  ''the  fire"),  but  one  of  the  oldest  inhabitants  tells 
me— so  far  as  I  can  understand  his  lingo — that ' '  the  contrast  between 
then  and  now  was  very  marked."  I  have  no  great  faith  in  Mus- 
covite veracity,  but  this  statement  savours  of  truth. 

Moscow  is  fall  of  streets.  Each  street  has  several  lights,  placed  in 
a  sort  of  receptacle  for  gas  jets,  called  lampostoffs.  The  city,  as  a 
whole,  is  something  like  Fulham  plus  a  dash  of  Venice,  with  a 
soup^on  of  Paris  thrown  in.  It  is  rather  difficult  to  give  a  better 
de-ciiption.  The  principal  church  is  called  the  Kremlin.  It  has  a 
gilded  roof,  and  in  this  respect  resembles  to  some  extent  the  cross  at 
the  summit  of  the  dome  of  St.  Paul's. 

Of  course  it  is  impossible  to  describe  the  Coronation  until  it  has 
taken  place — quite  impossible.  However,  it  is  an  open  secret  that 
the  C/AR  is  to  wear  a  crown  on  the  occasion.  He  is  to  put  this  head- 
gear on  the  top  of  his  head,  and  then  to  take  it  off  to  put  on  the  head 
of  the  C/AKINA.  Then  there  is  to  be  much  shouting,  and  some 
soldiers  (belonging  I  am  told  to  the  Artillery)  are  to  let  off  some 
cannons.  This  is  the  programme  as  at  present  arranged,  but  like 
all  other  programmes  is,  of  course,  subject  to  alteration. 

For  the  moment,  I  do  not  think  I  can  tell  you  any  mere.  In  my 
next  I  may  be  able  to  give  you  some  account  of  the  public  monu- 
ments. To  the  best  of  my  recollection  they  consist  of  the  Russian 
Museum,  the  South  Mosoow  Maseum,  the  National  Portrait  Gallery, 
the  Muscovite  School  of  Mines  (in  Jermynoff  Streetski),  and  the 
Earlscourtsikoff  Exhibition.  I  cannot  verify  these  s'atements  as, 
uti  fortunately,  I  have  mislaid  my  guide-book.  But  of  one  thing  I 
am  certain,  you  were  most  wise  in  sending  me  to  Russia,  as  I  could 
not  possibly  have  given  you  the  above  interesting  account  had  I 
remained  in  Fleet  Streetski.  I  should  say  Fleet  Street.  And  with  this 
remark  I  drop  into  Anglo- French  and  write  "  a  do." 

AMONG  THINGS  NOT  JENNEBAIXT  KNOWN. — The  cost  of  an  annual 
celebration  of  the  First  Innpculation  at  Biiokeburg  is  defrayed,  so 
the  Standard  correspondent  informs  us,  "  out  of  a  fund  established 
by  a  contemporary  of  Dr.  JEXNEB,  a  Dr.  FAUST."  A  Doctor  Faust, 
forsooth!  There  can  be  but  one  Dr.  Faust,  and  if  so,  wasn't 
innoculation  the  invention  of  Mephistopheles  f  This  may  add  another 
feather  to  the  cap  of  Mephisto,  but  it  will  serve  as  a  powerful 
argument  on  the  side  of  the  angels,  that  is,  the  anti-vaccinators, 
and  therefore  the  anti-Faust-and-Mephistopheles  combination. 


BLUE,  THE  FEESH,  &c."— There  is  a  "  Real  Blue  Hunga- 
d."    Why  not  "  Toe  True  Blue"  ?   And  an  "  Original  Blae 


"THE 

rian  Band.        „ 

Hungarian"  ditto.  Anybody  suffering  from  "doleful  dumps,"  the 
result  of  dyspepsia,  can  try  the  homeopathic  principle  of  curing  like 
with  like,  and  attempt  to  dispel  his  melancholia  by  getting  the 
Blues,  above-mentioned,  to  play  a  few  tones  to  him. 

A  CHEF'S  EPIGBAMMATIC  DESCBIPTIOW  OF  GBAND  FESTIVITIES 
DUBING  THE  RUSSIAN  CoBONAHON. — "Jtfenw,  tout  'd  la  Rutse,' 
SpeciaUte,  Sauce  Tartar*." 


MAT  30,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


253 


HOW  TO  ENJOY  THE 
BANK  HOLIDAT. 

(By  our  amusing  Domestic  Jester. ) 

ORGANISE  an  "At  Home" 
for  one  of  your  friends  by 
writing  to  say  that  some  one 
(signature  illegible)  is  only 
"  a  day  or  two  in  town,"  and 
will  look  in  "during  Monday 
afternoon."  Select  an  amiable 
acquaintance,  and  the  chances 
are  ten  to  one  that  be  (or, 
better  still,  she)  will  "  stay 
in."  so  as  not  to  miss  the  pro- 
mised visit.  If  the  good- 
natured  he  or  f  he  has  projected 
a  run  into  the  country,  which 
has  consequently  to  be  aban- 
doned, so  much  the  better. 

Send  bogus  cards  of  admis- 
sion to  various  places  of  enter- 
tainment to  those  who  are 
likely  to  use  them.  Of  course 
yon  must  choose  the  more 
guileless  of  vour  circle,  or  ^the 
fraud  will  be  detected.  *  All 
you  have  to  do  is  to  secure  old 
vouchers,  and  alter  the  dates. 
If  any  one  goes  a  long  journey 
on  a  fool's  errand,  the  fun,  it 
is  obvious,  will  be  fast  and 
furious. 

If  you  obtain  a  form  of 
summons  (any  barrister  will 
give  you  one,  or  tell  you  where 
to  get  it  at  a  law  stationer's), 
and  fill  it  up  for  libel,  with 
enormous  damages,  you  have 
the  foundation  for  an  excel- 
lent practical  joke.  Drop  it 
into  the'letter-box  of  a  nervous 


EPISCOPAL   HUMOUR. 

Effie  (who  has  come  to  spend  a  week  at  the  Palace},  "  I  THINK  I 

TELL  YOU  AT  OSCS,   GRANDPAPA,   THAT    I    DON'T    CAKE  FOE  ANY 
LESS  THEY  'RE  THE   YXRY  BEST  !  " 


OUGHT  TO 

JOKES  UN- 


man.  When  the  nervous  man 
receives  t  at  the  hands  of  his 
servant,  he  will  almost  have  a 
fit.  It  will  be  a  pity  that  you 
cannot  witness  the  scene,  but 
it  should  afford  you  endless 
amusement  to  imagine  it. 

If  you  do  not  mind  plagiar- 
ism, you  can  issue  circulars 
inviting  tradesmen  to  send  in 
goods  of  all  descriptions  to  one 
of  the  more  wealthy  of  your 
friends.  Something  like  this 
has  been  done  in  the  past  by 
an  ,  eminent  practical  joker. 
However,  the  suggested 
modern  piece  of  waggery  has 
this  advantage  overthe  drollery 
of  long  ago — the  orders  re- 
quiring execution  on  a  Bank 
Holiday,  will  cause  increased 
embarrassement  and  confu- 
sion. 

If 'you  are  asked  to  explain 
the  point  of  all  this  Alight- 
hearted  vivacity,  you  mav  say 
ihat  it  is  appropriate  to  W(h)it 
Monday  ;  and  if  this  is  not 
deemed  sufficient,  you  may 
add  that  you  have  dropped  the 
aspirate,  because  it  is  never 
sounded  in  "  'Arry." 


ABSIT  OMEN. — ALFONSO  THE 
THIRTEENTH,  King  of  Spain, 
has  just  attained  his  tenth 
year.  Let  us  hope  that  this 
does  not  imply  the  decadence 
of  the  dynasty.  Mr.  Punch 
wishes  him  many  returns 
derived  from  Cuban  tobacco 
revenues. 


CONDENSED  CONFIDENCE. 

( For  Ladies  only. ) 

DEAKEST  EiHELiNDi,— We  had  a  delightful  drive  down  from 
London  to  Kempton  Park,  and  I  felt  quite  Watteau-like  as  I  looked 
on  the  lilacs,  laburnums,  and  chestnut  trees  en  route.  I  did  not 
occupy  the  box  seat,  because  Mrs.  PLANTAGENET-NIBBS,  who  really 
gets  more  passes  and  more  assertive  every  day  of  her  life,  claimed 
that  position  But,  as  I  told  Lord  Aimiuit,  who  laughed  heartily, 
it  does  not  do  to  contest  the  claims  of  those  who  are  approaching 
fin  de  demi-siccle.  The  other  members  of  our  party  consisted  of 
Lady  TYPINA.  TIPCAT  (own  aunt  to  the  Doke  of  BATTLEDORE  and 
SHUTTLECOCK),  Sir  WILLOUGHBY  WEAK,  Q.C.  (who  bored  everybody 
by  his  very  broad  references  to  the  Divorce  Court,  where  I  firmly 
believe  he  lives  with  Sir  FRANCIS  JEUNE),  Mr.  SWINBURNE  JENKINS, 
the  poet  (whose  acquaintance  you  will  remember  I  made  at  the 
Eldorado  Music-hall),  Mr.  and  Mrs.  NIBBLETHORPE  NOBBES,  of 
Nobbes  Hall,  Staffordshire,  not  young,  but  rich  and  bucolic,  Baron 
SnwABT  DE  TOZA,  a  Portuguese  gentleman  with  a  cast  of  feature 
not  unlike  that  of  the  late  Lord  BEACONSFIELD  (by  birth,  he  told  me, 
that  he  was  a  compatriot  of  CAMOENS,  but  by  instinct  a  Scotchman, 
his  mother  being  a  member  of  the  noble  family  of  MAcDuimvASSEL), 
and  Mr.  and  Miss  KAMP-TULICON  (his  sister),  Mr.  K.-T.  being,  as  I 
understand,  an  owner  of  fossil  ivory  mines  in  Siberia.  Certainly 
both  he  and  Miss  K.-T.  had  most  exquisite  false  teeth.  In  fact, 
our  party  was  an  olla  podrida,  or  rather  bouillabaisse  of  humanity,  a 

What  a  wondrous  place  is  Kempton  I  Imagine,  ma  toute  belle,  a 
glorious  pleasaunce  (wherein  I  am  told  Uueen  ELIZABETH,  in  the 
days  of  her  spinsterhood  and  threatened  by  horrible  forecasts,  used 
to  ramble),  dotted  with  magnificent  trees,  and  adorned  with  exquisite 
places  of  vantage,  called  in  racing  parlance  "stands!"  Flowers 
were  to  be  eeen  on  all  sides,  and  the  Prince  of  WALES  had  luncheon 
in  a  pavilion  which  the  Sultan  of  TURKEY,  or  the  late  lamented 
Shah  of  PERSIA,  might  have  envied.  Lord  ARTHUR  introduced  me, 
when  we  were  strolling  to  the  Paddock,  to  a  very  handsome  gentle- 
man with  merry  eyes  and  a  debonnair  aspect ;  he  was  none  other,  I 
ascertained,  than  Mr.  8.  H.  HYDE,  the  presiding  genius  of  this  great 
show,  which  Aladdin  would  not  have  been  ashamed  to  bring  to 
the  notice  of  the  Princess  of  China.  "  Well,"  he  asked,  pleasantly, 
"  what  do  you  think  of  Kempton  ?  "  "  It  ought  to  be  called  Hyde 


Park,"  I  replied,  with  a  curtsey.  The  manager  blushed  and  hurried 
away,  while  dear  Lord  ARTHUR  congratulated  me  on  what  he  called 
my  "  d  propos  mot."  And  yet  I  hoped  that  Mr.  HYDE  would  not 
hold  me  to  be  unmaidenly  in  giving  out  a  calembour  which  in- 
stinctively leapt  to  the  tip  of  my  tongue,  as  did  Venus  from  the  sea. 

I  would,  dearest,  that  you  could  have  seen  the  toilettes  in  the 
Club  inolosure.  Mr.  SWINBURNE  JENKINS  says  that  they  reminded 
him  of  a  bevy  of  startled  peacocks.  His  simile  is  not  altogether 
without  verisimilitude.  The  delicate  bloom  of  the  egg- plum,  the 
verdant  hue  of  the  early  pea,  and  the  assertive  tint  of  the  ripe 
tomato,  mingled  in  more  than  one  costume  with  the  colours  orange, 
red,  and  lemon  of  the  varied  nasturtiums,  and  the  bright  aggressive- 
ness of  the  sun-flower,  which  has  not  quite  made  up  its  mind 
whether  it  ought  not  to  pose  as  a  new  sort  of  chrysanthemum.  Quel 
luxe  !  I  noticed  one  tall,  fair  woman,  with  a  cloak  made  of  black 
lambs'  tails,  and  &  petite  dame,  whose  features  are  not  unfamiliar  to 
students  of  Messrs.  CAMERA  and  OBSCURA'S  art,  clad  in  a  richly  em- 
broidered costume  made  of  pillow-casing,  such  as  could  be  only 
supplied  by* I  will  analysef 

I  now  turn  to  the  great  race  itself,  del!  What  a  commotion 
about  the  galloping  of  a  few  horses !  In  spite  of  the  racing,  which 
might  have  proved  a  distraction,  we  had  a  happy  day.  Try  asparagus 
with  turmeric  sauce.  The  dish,  so  papa  declares,  who  curiously 
enough  won  over  Victor  Wild,  is  only  equalled  by  tomatoes \  au  mn 
blanc.  Ever,  dear,  Tour  loving  cousin,  KADJ. 

*  The  name  of  the  maker  need  not  be  bolstered  up.— ED. 
t  Our  correspondent  is  not  engaged  as  an  analyst,  so  much  matter  is  here 
deleted.— ED. 


iph  in  The   Weekly  Register 
.etday  his  accustomed  summer 


"LEO  THE  TERRIBLE."— A  part 

recounts  how  the  POPE  "began  on  xu.ocu.aj  "«.•»  «.v.«<*»i~i»»vv«.  -——.—-— 
walks  in  the  Vatican  gardens,  where  he  remained  from  ten  till  five, 
receiving  the  heads  of  the  Capuchins  in  the  new  pavilion."  The 
italics  are  ours.  What  a  terrible  scene  in  this  "  so-called  nineteenth 


century."  Why,  the  tyrant  NERO  himself  "  is  not  in  it "  with  Pope 
LEO  "  receiving  the  heads  of  the  Capuchins."  We  ask,  what  became 
of  the  bodies  ?  Surely  civilised  Europe  will  ask  this ;  and,  as  among 
the  unfortunate  Capuchins  there  were  probably  some  British  subjects, 
will  there  not  be  a  question  in  the  Howe  ef  Commons,  put,  let  us 
suggest,  by  Colonel  SAUNDEBSON  ? 


VOL.  ex. 


254 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAT  30,  1896. 


THE   KRUGER    CAT. 

['  The  President  throughout  this  crisis  has  shown  himself  to  he  not  ungenerous,  and  eminently  shrewd.    To  play  fast  and  loose  with  his  principal 

captives  is  neither  generous  nor  shrewd." — Times.] 


MAY  30,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


255 


LOVE'S    ENDURANCE. 

Miss  Dolly  (to  her  fianct).  "  OH,  JACK,  THIS  is  DELIGHTFUL  1    IF  YOU  'LL  ONLY  KEEP  TIP  THE  PACE,  I  'M  STTRE  I  SHALL  SOON  GAIN 
CONFIDBKCE  1 "  [Poor  Jack  has  already  run  a  mile  or  more,  and  is  very  short  of  condition. 


NEVER  MIND  ! 

(Parody  of  Foe  by  a  Parliamentary  Poet.) 

Sir  W.  Jfarcourt.  "  What  did  the  right  hon.  gentleman  (Mr.  BALFOUR) 
say  the  other  day  'i  "  Mr.  Ba>four.  "  Never  mind  1  " 

Report  on  Agricultural  Rating  Sill. 


upon  a  May  night  dreary  M.P.'s  ponder,  weak  and  weary, 
Over  many  a  quaint  amendment,  quite  the  usual  Patty  "  blind," 
When  they're  nodding,  nearly  napping,  and  Sir  WILLIAM  smartly 

slapping 

On  the  box,  with  view  to  trapping,  asks  a  question,  inde,  unkind, 
Then  the  Leader  well  may  mutter,  lank  and  languidly  reclined 
On  his  bench,  "  Oh,  never  mind  I  " 

What  the  dickens  does  it  matter,  this  recriminatory  chatter, 
This  superfluous  Party  clatter  rude,  irrelevant,  unrefined  P 
Ytsterday  is  not  to-morrow  I    Party  'vantage  would  you  borrow 
From  last  week  P  I  ask  in  sorrow—  sorrow  for  such  waste  of  wind  — 
What  I  said  last  year,  last  week,  if  me  to  that  you'd  harshly  bind, 
I  must  answer  "  Never  mind  1  " 

Well  of  words  may  I  be  thrifty,  with  a  hundred  votes  and  fifty, 
Ready,  howsoever  shifty  be  my  schemes,  to  seal  and  bind 
Every  oracle  I  utter  I    If  you  think  my  calm  you  '11  natter 
By  your  retrospective  splutter,  you  're  mistaken,  as  you  '11  find. 
CHAPIIN  may  compete  with  you  in  eloquence  of  Rhodian  kind, 

My  reply  is  —  "Never  mind  I  " 
****** 

And  the  Leader,  never  quitting,  still  is  sitting,  s'ill  is  sitting, 
On  that  CDsy  Treasury  Bench,  in  lolling  languor  limp  reclined  ; 
And  his  eyes  have  all  the  seeming  of  a  Q-allio  who  is  dreaming, 
And  the  Rads  with  wild  wrath  screaming  seem  to  him  as  summer  wind. 
And  when  stout  Sir  WILLIAM  wakes  him  with  a  question  of  this  kind, 
He  will  yawn  out  "  Never  mind  !  " 


TIPS  FOR  TRADERS. 

(See  the  Repmt  of  our  Consul  at  Cherbourg.) 

ALWAYS  start  with  the  assumption  that  you  are  doing  a  very  cm- 
descending  act  in  allowing  the  dratted  foreigner  to  purchase  any  of 
jour  coal,  iron,  shirtings,  chemicals,  or  whatever  it  may  be. 

Never  take  the  trouble  to  translate  your  trade  circulars  into  any 
foreign  tongue.  To  make  out  their  meaning  will  be  a  useful  lesson 
in  English  for  the  poor  jabbering  Frenchman,  Italian,  or  Teuton. 

Bearing  in  mind  that  the  decimal  system  prevails  in  France,  quote 
all  your  prices  in  pounds,  shillings,  and  pence.  The  mental  anguish 


which  this  will  cause  to  your  (possible)  French  customers  will  be  a 
fitting  return  for  their  nastiness  about  Egypt,  Siam,  &c. 

Remember  that  the  only  dignified  international  attitude  to  adopt 
to  an  obviously  inferior  race  is  to  fling  your  goods  down,  and  say, 
"  Take  them  or  leave  them !  "  This  is  what  makes  Englishmen  so 
popular  on  the  Continent. 

As  the  German  firms  that  compete  with  you  take  great  care  to 
send  engaging  and  polyglottic  young  men  to  push  their  goods  in 
France,  you  had  better  send  nobody,  but  manage  everything  by 
COT  respond ence — in  English,  of  course. 

If  you  do  forget  yourself  BO  far  as  to  despatch  a  traveller  abroad, 
be  very  careful  to  pick  out  a  person  who  knows  no  French,  and  less 
German,  and  who  will  make  it  quite  plain  to  everybody  he  meets 
that  he  considers  English  the  only  "  language  "  in  the  world,  all  the 
others  being  "  lingos." 

Don't  yield  to  the  nonsense  of  Consuls,  and  other  ignorant  people, 
who  tell  you  that  to  gain  the  custom  of  foreigners  you  must  drop 
some  of  your  own.  Don't  "stoop  to  CDnquer."  Brusquerie  and 
business,  bad  manners  and  good  trade,  are  intimately  allied. 

Lastly,  if  you  do  manage  to  get  an  order  abroad,  give  as  much 
trouble  to  your  customer  as  you  can,  by  leaving  him  to  arrange  for  pay- 
ment of  customs  dues,  delivery,  and  eo  on.  It  will  do  him  good.  Most 
foreigners  are  very  lazy,  and  you  should  try  and  cure  them  of  this  trait. 


COMMON 


OR  GARDEN 

IV.— ASTERS. 


RHYMES. 


0  ASTEK,  on  the  garden  bed 

A  man  might  sing  the  grace  you 

shed 

In  living  metres  or  in  dead, 
In  sonnets  or  in  sapphics. 
As  one  who'd  gladly  hymn  your 

praise 

It  grieves  me,  fills  me  with  amaze, 
To  find  you  are,  in  learned  phrase, 
A  "  pejorative  affix  "  I 

A  blossom  all  devoid  of  thorn 
In  speech's  kindly  garden  born 
Becomes  the  very  flower  of  scorn, 

If  grafted  on  an  aster  ; 
And  so  at  times,  sweet  Aster,  all 
Your  sweetness  may  be  turned  to 

gall- 
If,  for  example,  one  should  call 

A  wit  a  wittioaster. 


And  if  the  critics— race  sublime — 
Would  make  an  onslaught  on  my 

rhyme, 

In  sheer  contempt  they  write  that 
I'm 

The  worst  of  poetasters ; 
While  I  retort,  to  trump  their  card , 
That  I,  as  well  befits  a  bard, 
Reserve  the  right  to  disregard 

All  drivelling  criticasters. 

So,  Aster,  though   a   glow  you 

shed 

In  summer  on  the  garden  Vei, 
No  sonnet  simmers  in  mv  head 

For  you,  nor  any  sapphics ; 
Because,  although  in  many  ways 
A  subject  worthy  of  my  lays, 
I  cannot  bring  myself  to  praise 

A  pejorative  affix  I 


2£6 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAT|30,  1896. 


JOTTINGS   AND   TITTLINGS. 

(By  BABOO  HUBBY  BUNGSHO  JABBER JKB,  B.A.) 

No.  XIII. 

Drawbacks  and  advantages  of  being  engaged.  Some  Meditations  in 
a  Music-hall,  together  with  notes  of  certain  things  that  Mr. 
Jabber jee  failed  to  understand. 

MY  preceding  article  announced  the  important  intelligence  of  my 
betrothal,  in  which  I  was  then  too  much  the  neophyte  to  express  any 
very  opinionated  judgment  as  to  the  pros  or  cons  of  my  approaching 
benediction  as  a  Benedick  (if  I  may  he  allowed  a  somewhat  humorous 
pun). 

L'appetit  vient  en  mangeant,  and  I  am  blessing  my  stars  more 
fervidly  every  day  for  the  lucky  windfall  which  has  bolted  upon  me 
from  the  blue. 

All  the  select  boarders  were  speedily  in- 
formed of  my  engagement,  and  the  males, 
though  profuse  in  their  congratulations,  did 
manifest  their  green-eyed  monster  by  sun- 
dry veiled  chucklings  and  rib-pokings, 
while  the  ladies— especially  Miss  SPINE — 
are  become  less  pressing  in  their  attentions, 
and  address  me  as  "  Prince  "  with  increased 
frequency,  and  in  a  tone  of  tittering 
acidulation. 

This,  however,  is  attributable  to  natural 
disappointment ;  for  it  was  notorious  that 
all  of  them,  even  the  least  prepossessing;, 
were  on  the  tiptoe  of  languishing  expec- 
tancy that  I  should  cast  my  handkerchief 
in  one  of  their  directions.  But  the  feminine 
nature  is  not  capable  of  sustaining  the  good- 
fortune  of  another  member  of  their  sex  with 
good-humoured  complacency ! 

On  the  other  hand,  I  enjoy  many  privi- 
leges and  bonuses.  I  am  permitted  to  enter 
Mrs.  MANKLBTOW'S  private  parlour  ad  libi- 
tum, and  there  converse  with  my  beloved, 
calling  her  "JESSIE,"  and  even  embrace 
her  in  moderation.  I  may  also  embrace  her 
Mother,  and  address  her  as  "Mamma," 
which  affords  me  raptures  of  a  less  tumul- 
tuous kind. 

Moreover  now,  "when  I  conduct  my  inamo- 
rat  i  to  an  entertainment,  it  is  no  longer  de 
rigueur  for  any  third  party  to  impemraate 
a  gooseberry  I 

The  mention  of  entertainments  reminds 
me  that,  a  few  evenings  ago,  I  escorted  her 
to  a  music-hall,  wherein,  although  I  had 
previously  believed  myself  a  past  master  in 
the  shibboleth  of  London  Cockneyisms  and 
technical  terminology,  I  heard  and  saw 
much  which  was  au  bout  de  mon  Latin, 
and  the  head  impossible  to  be  made  out  of 
the  tail. 

E.g.,  there  were  two  young  lady- per- 
formers alleged  by  the  programme  to  be 
"  Seiios  and  Bone  Soloists,"  whereas  they 
were  the  reverse  of  lugubrious ;  nor  were 
their  physiognomies  fleshless  or  osseous ;  but, 


f erential  kind  of  choice,  either  for  the  partridge  or  the  weasel,  and 
that  such  a  triangular  courtship  and  triple  alliance  would  infallibly 
terminate  in  the  apple  of  discord,  but  JESSIE  did  assure  me  that  it 
waa  quite  usual  ana  the  correct  cheese  for  a  girl  to  have  more  than 
one  beau  upon  her  string. 

I  made  the  further  observation  that  the  Comedians  and  Comics 
must  be  reduced  to  extreme  pauperism,  since  they  presented  them- 
selves before  a  well-dressed,  respectable  audience  in  garbage  of 
unparagoned  shabbiness,  and  with  hair  of  unbruehed  wildness,  and 
needing  immediate  tonsure. 

One  songster  did  offer  some  excuse  for  the  poverty  of  his  appear- 
ance, telling  us  his  hard  case,  how  that  he  was  occupied  in  declaring 
his  passion  to  a  beauteous  damsel,  when  she  wa«  "  all  over  him  in 
a  minute,"  and,  while  he  was  making  love  to  the  pretty  stars  above, 
she  cleared  out  all  hi*  pockets  in  a  minute!  At  which  many 
laughed;  but,  though  Jove  is  said  to  regard  lovers'  perjuries  with 
cachinnation,  I  could  not  help  feeling  the 
most  pitiable  sympathy  for  such  a  disap- 
pointing conclusion  1  j  a  love  affair,  seeing 
that  it  is  impossible  for  the  comeliest  nymph 
who  returns  her  admirer's  devotion  by 
stealing  his  purse,  and  similar  trash,  to 
remain  posed  any  longer  upon  the  tpweiiag 
pedestal  of  an  ideal.  Upon  making  this 
remark  to  JESSIE,  however,  she  uttered  the 
repartee  that  I  was  the  silly  noodle ;  though 
she  is,  I  am  sure,  notwithstanding  her 
attachment  to  gewgawr,  not  capable  cf 
descending  personally  to  such  light-fingered 
tactics. 

I  was  additionally  bewildered  by  a  chorus 
chanted  by  one  of  the  Society  Belles,  which 
1  took  down  verbatim,  in  the  hope  of  a  solu- 
tion. It  was  as  follows :  "For  I  like  a  good 
liar,  indeed  I  do !  Provided  he  comes  out 
with  something  new  I  But  why  did  he  tell 
me  that  story  with  whiskers  on,  why,  why, 
why?" 

Now  to  me  it  is  wholly  incomprehensible 
that  the  female  intelligence  should  admire 
mendacity  in  the  opposite  sex  on  the  sole 
conditions  that  the  said  liar  should  present 
himself  in  some  novel  article  of  attire,  and, 

S-eviously  to  relating  his  untruth,  remove 
om  his  cheeks  any  hirsute  appendages. 
One  of  the  boarders  whom  I  consulted  on 
the  subject  attempted  to  persuade  me  that 
it  was  the  story  that  had  the  whiskers ;  but 
it  is  nonsensical  to  suppose  that  a  purely 
abstract  affair  like  an  untruth  could  be 
furnished  with  capillary  growth,  which 
belongs  to  the  concrete  department. 

There  was  a  lady  described  as  an  "  in- 
comparable Comedienne,"  who  was  the 
victim  of  unexampled  bad  luck.  For  she 
had  purchased  a  camera  (which  she  exhi- 
bited to  the  assembly),  and  with  this  she 
had  gone  about  photographing  landscapes 
and  other  sceneries.  But,  lack-a-daisy  I  no 
sooner  were  they  printed  than  the  pictures 
were  discovered  to  be  irretrievably  spoilt 
by  objects  in  the  foreground  of  such  doubt- 


11  In  garbage  of  unparagoned  BbabbineBS." 

on  the  contrary,  10  shapely  and  well-favoured  that  JESSIE  did  remon-  '  fal  propriety  that  they  were  not  exactly  fit  to  placa  among  her 
strate  with  me  upon  the  perseverance  with  which  I  gazed  at  them.  brick-backs,  so  she  was  compelled  to  keep  them  in  a  drawer  among 

And  I  could  not  at  all  find  any  one  to  explain  to  me  the  difference  I  her  knick-nacks  I 

between  a  "  Comedian"  and  a  "  Comic"  ;  or  a  "  Comedian  and  I  should  have  liked  her  to  inform  us  where  such  a  faulty 
Patterer  "  and  an  "  Eccentric  Comedian  " ;  or  a  "  Society  Belle  "  mechanism  was  procured,  and  why  she  did  not  exchange  it  for  one  of 
and  a  "  Burlesque  Artiste  "  ;  or,  again,  "  A  Sketch  Artiste  "  and  a  superior  competency. 

"  Speciality  Dancer."  For  to  me  they  seemed  all  precisely  similar.  I  She  was  succeeded  on  the  stage  by  a  little  girl  with  a  hoop,  who 
There  were  "four  Charming  Lyric  Sisters,"  who  performed  a  dance  1  bore  a  striking  resemblance  to  her  predecessor,  and  was  probably  her 
in  long  expansive  skirts,  and  in  conclusion  did  all  turn  heels-over-  I  infantile  daughter.  This  child  was  evidently  of  a  greatly  inquisitive 
head  in  simultaneity ;  but  this,  it  seems,  was,  contrary  to  my  !  disposition,  and  asked  many  questions  of  her  progenitors  which  they 
expectancy,  not  to  dance  a  speciality.  Speaking  for  my  humble  I  were  unable  to  answer,  bidding  her  not  to  bother,  and  to  go  away 
part,  I  am  respectfully  of  opinion  that  lovely  woman  loses  in  queenly  and  play. 


dignity  by  the  abrupt  execution  of  a  somersault ;  however,  the  feat 
did  indubitably  excite  vociferous  applause  from  the  spectators. 

Further  there  appeared  a  couple  of  Duettists  in  ordinary  evening 
habiliments,  who  sang  in  unison  with  egregious  melodiousness.  One 
was  plump  as  a  partridge;  the  other  thin  as  a  weasel;  and  they 
related  how  they  were  both  the  adorers  of  a  certain  lovely  damsel 
called  "SALLY,"  who  was  the  darling  of  their  co-operative  hearts, 
and  resided  in  their  Alley.  And  of  all  the  days  in  the  week  they 
dearly  loved  Sunday,  because  then  they  were  dressed  in  all  their  best, 
and  went  for  a  walk  with  SALLY. 

I  should  have  thought  that  it  was  not  humanly  feasible  for  SALLY 
to  continue  such  periodical  promenades  without  exhibiting  some  pre- 


as  to  the  answers,  which  even  JESSIE 
,  non  CEdipus,"  and  not  able  to  provide 


Then  she  asked  a  juvenile  boy  (who  remained  invisible),  called 
"  JOHNNY  JONES,"  and  informed  us  that  "  she  knew  now."    Bat  I 
was  still  in  the  total  darkness 
declared  that  she  was  "  Davus 
with  the  correct  solutions. 

Upon  the  whole,  I  am  of  opinion  that  music-halls  are  more  fertile  in 
mental  puzzlement  and  social  problems,  and  more  difficult  of 
comprehension,  than  theatrical  entertainments. 

This  is,  no  doubt,  why  the  spectators  are  allowed  to^consume 
liquors  and  sandwiches  throughout  the  performance,  since  it  is  well 
known  that  the  brain  cannot  carry  on  its  modus  operandi  with 
efficiency  if  the  stomach  is  in  the  beggarly  array  of  an  empty  box  1 


MAY  SO,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


257 


EASTBOURNE  FOE  THE  CZAR ! 

(By  our  Trusted  Sevorter.) 

IN  obedience  to  your  instructions,  "  to  keep  my  eye  on  the 
Coronation  of  the  Emperor  of  RUSSIA,"  I  proceeded  on  Monday, 
May  18,  to  Eastbourne.  I  found  the  place  en  fete.  The  streets 
were  thronged  with  people ;  from  house  to  house,  from  pole 
to  pole,  hung  a  profusion  of  paper- flowers.  There  were  stands 
on  the  Grand  Parade,  and  bunting  everywhere.  Also  a  first- 
rate  band  supported  in  an  alcove  over  the  sad  sea  waves. 

"What  is  the  event  of  the  day?"  I  asked,  after  a  careful 
inspection  of  the  decorations. 

tTThe  Gymkhana  in  the  South  Fields  at  1.30,"  was  the 
immediate  reply. 

Then  I  worried  about  this  explanation.  "The  Gymkhana  I " 
What  on  earth  was  it?  It  sounded  like  an  Eastern  potentate, 
or  a  delicious  rival  to  ' '  rahat  lakoum."  But  why  should  a  swarthy 
monarch  go  to  the  South  Fields  at  lunch-time  ?  Or  why  should 
an  oriental  sweetstuff  be  there  distributed  at  such  an  hour? 
Perhaps  for  tiffin.  Pleasant  recollection.  Ti  Ilin  another  name 
for  midday  meal.  Lunch  I 

I  had  bought  a  local  paper.  Among  the  advertisements  was 
much  about  a  certain  hotel.  I  would  trust  to  the  praises  of  the 
reclames.  I  went,  I  saw,  and  was  conquered.  Could  not  get  a 
table  near  the  window.  Had  to  wait  twenty  minutes  for  a  steak. 
Found  a  hole  in  the  table-cloth,  and  successfully  contested  the 
total  of  the  bill. 

Oat  of  temper.  Renewed  search  for  "  Gymkhana."  I  wan- 
dered, until  at  length  I  arrived  (outside  the  town)  at  the 
skeletons  of  about  a  square  mile  of  booths.  I  asked  elderly 
individual  for  explanation. 

"Not  know  what  that  is  I"  he  exclaimed,  in  an  ecstasy  of 
astonishment.  And  then  he  told  me ;  but  unfortunately  I  have 
forgotten  what  he  said.  I  fancy  the  booths  were  for  agricultural 
show,  or  steeple-chases,  or  international  exhibition,  or  something 
or  other.  But,  at  any  rate,  they  were  not  intended  for  the 
"Gymkhana." 

"  Why,  surely  the  South  Fields  are  yonder,"f continued  the 
elderly  individual.  And  so  they  were.  And  in\them  I  found 
the  object  of  my  search.  All  the  aristocracy,  gentry t  and  in- 
habitants (more  or  less)  of  Eastbourne  and  its  vicinity,  were 
scattered  in  a  meadow  watching  the  skill  of  some  yeomanry  and 
volunteer*.  The  Gymkhana  was  a  provincial  edition  of  the 
Military  Tournament  at  Itlington. 

As  I  approached,  two  gallant  cavalry  men  of  the  auxiliaries 
were  attempting  to  thump  one  another  with  single-sticks,  but 
their  cautious  chargers  knew  better,  and  declined  to  take  the 
champions  within  striking  distance.  The  horses  seemed  of  a 
superior  breed  to  those  accustomed  to  the  shafts  of  a  bathing- 


GOLF    NOTES. 

Old  Hand,  "  AH,  I  HEARD  YOU  'D  JOINED.    BEEN  ROUND  THE  LINKS  YET  ? " 


New  Hand. 
Old  Hand. 


OH,  YES.    WENT  YESTEBDAY." 
WHAT  DID  YOU  GO  BOUND  IN  ? " 


New  Hand.  "On,  MY  OBDINABY  CLOTHES!" 


machine,  or  the  burdens  imposed  on  the  animal  let  out  at  sixpence  an 
hour  at  Hampstead  on  a  bank  holiday.  Bat  for  all  that,  and  all 
that,  the  brutes  were  so  obstinate,  that  they  would  have  been  the 
better  for  the  chastisement  of  a  cane-bearing  donkey  boy.  The 
Yeomanry  won  their  prizes  amidst  the  attention  of  the  snap-shot 
photographers  and  the  cheers  of  the  mighty  multitude.  Then  came 
performance  of  massed  bands,  and  Monday  ended  ia  harmony. 

Tuesday  was  devoted  to  "  Battle  of  Flowers,"  and  "  State  Proces- 
sion of  decorated  Coaches,  Carriages,  and  Equestrians  in  Costume." 
The  last  was  pleating,  the  first  fairly  exhilarating.  The  horses 
and  ponies  looked  more  dignified  than  their  drivers,  and  the  contest 
with  confetti  conjured  back  Nice  and  Naples— of  course,  with  a 
difference. 

But  space  runs  short.  During  the  remainder  of  the  week  the 
Australian  cricketers  played  at  the  Saffrons,  and  there  were  a  pro- 
cession of  cyclists  in  grotesque  costumes,  a  military  concert,  and  a 
fancy-dress  ball  in  Devonshire  Park.  Then,  to  conclude  the  six  days 
with  a  blaze  of  triumph,  Saturday  ended  with  an  "  illuminated  fete 
and  fireworks."  And  now  I  have  described  the  manner  in  which  the 
CZAB'S  coronation  was  celebrated  at  Eastbourne. 


"CHESTNUT  SUNDAY." 
(A  Reminwcence.) 


BENEATH    the    pyramids    of 

flowers, 

Pink-yellow  flecked  on  white, 
You  told  me  of  a  coming  doom 

Black  as  a  starless  night. 
How,  when  the  trees  were  reft  of 

green, 
The  branches  gaunt  above, 


There  came  a  warning  unforeseen 

That  robb'd  you  of  my  love. 
Your  prophecy  was  all  too  true, 
While  Breach  of  Promise  waits 

for  you, 

Under  the  chestnuts  I  renew 
The  vows  you  broke  with  Number 

Two. 


CAUTION  TO  MONEYMNDEBS  (in  view  of  a  recent  sentence).— 
Kemember  the  "  Arqumentum  ad  Pocketum" 


GOLF  IN  ZUMMERZET. 

(John  TazewelVs  account  of  the  matter.) 

VINE  doins  to  Ham,  do  ee  zay  ?    Zo  be,  for  sure ; 
But  take  a  glass,  now  do  ee,  an'  wark  indoor. 
Us  ha'n't  a-ziu  ee  to  Ham  vor  more'n  wik, 
Be  allus  a  welcome  here,  you  do  know,  Mas'r  DICK. 
Well,  Pa'son  beant  quite  exactly,*  as  you  mid  zay, 
Do  reckon  'tes  arl  along  o'  yon  new  play : 
Be  vair  a-tookt  wi'  't,  Squire  an'  Pa'son  be, 
Virst  thing  come  marnin'  play  arl  day  till  tea  ; 
An'  Pa'son,  I  tell  ee,  he  be  the  one  to  strike, 
Do  make  barl  fly— there,  I  never  zee  the  like. 
To  yeer  they  tark,  'tes  npbbut  double  Dutch, 
Wi'  their  bunkers,  stymies,  mashies,  decks,  an'  such ; 
"  By  Jove,  'tes  gobble,"  Squire  do  zay,  "  dormy  three."— 
'Tes,  as  I  tell  ee,  heathen  Dutch  to  we. 
They  do  take  along  our  JOHNNY  to  ear  their  sticks, 
A  tarr'ble  plenty,  zo  many  as  vive  or  six  ; 
An'  never  doant  use  zame  stick  vor  more  'n  one  hit— 
Zim  beaut  no  reason,  not  one  mo'sel  bit. 
1  do  reckon  as  Pa'son  be  goin'  clean*arf  's  head. 
Lor  bless  ee.  our  JOHNNY  've  a-yeerd  un  zay  wer  dead  — 
An'  him  zo  lively  as  hop-frogs  down  to  rhine !  t 
Beant  quite  exactly,  I  warr'nt— 'tes  sartain  sign. 
One  day  I  a-zeed  un  sarchin'  up  an'  down, 
Zo  went  an'  helped  un  like  till  barl  wer  voun'. 
"  Be  arter  barls,  Zur,  beant  ee,  every  day, 
When  art  vor  to  be  arter  souls,"  I  do  up  an'  zay. 
Wer  proper  angry,  wer.    But  there,  let  be. 
A  kinder  gen'l'm'n  us  do  ant  wish  vor  to  zee— 
Arl  zed  an'  done,  be  good  enough  vor  we. 
*  "  Not  exactly,"  i.e.  not  quite  right  in  the  head.        t  "Bhine,"  i.e.  ditch. 


GOOD  MEN  FOB  MAKING  RUNS.— The  Messrs.  TBOTT  of  Australia, 


258 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  30,  1896. 


DEGENERACY. 

"Wnix's  COMB  TO  JOHNNY  HOB.NER?    I  NEVRR  SEE  HIM  DOWN  THE  RIVER  NOW." 
Cox.  "On  NO.    HK  DOES  NOTHING  BUT  HOCKEY  AND  BICYCLING.    IT'S  AN  AWFUL  PHY 

A   MAN  WITH  A  GOOD   CHANCE  OF  THE   FlRST   BOAT  SHOULD   HAVE   BECOME  FO   EFFEMINATE  I" 


ROUNDABOUT  READINGS. 
TOM  HOOD  AS  A  POET. 

.    (Concluded ) 

OF  "I he  Son*  of  the  Shirt"  and  "The 
Bridge  of  Sighs"  it  is  not  so  necessary  to  speak, 
for  even  the  greater  public,  who  look  upon 
HOOD  as  a  tunning  humorist,  know  that  he 
was  responsible  for  these  two  cries  of  suffer- 
ing and  indignation  which  have  echoed  and 
re-echoed  through  the  years.  Yet  it  is  a 
high  privilege  for  one  who  wiites  in  Punch 
to  remember  that  "The  Sang  of  the  Shirt" 
first  appealed  from  these  pages  to  the  sym- 
pathy of  the  world. 

BUT  a  word  must  be  said  of  HOOD  the 
Satirist,  and  I  would  refer  those  who  wish  to 


know  him  in  this  charactsr  to  the"Ole  to 
Rae  Wilson,  Esquira."    In  this  piece  HOOD 
uses  all  his  gifts,  his  word-twisting  piwef, 
his  fierce  indignation,  his  humble  piety,  bis 
to'erant  charity,  his  ihyme,  h's  rhythm— a'l 
are  there.    It  is  fall  of  lines  that  mutt  live. 
I  pray  for  grace,  repent  each  sinful  act  — 
Peruse,  but  underneath  the  rose,  my  Bible ; 
And  love  my  neighbour,  far  too  well,  in  fact, 
To  call  and  twit  him  with  a  godly  tract 
That 's  turned  by  application  to  a  libel. 
My  heart  ferments  not  with  the  bigot's  leaven. 
All  creeds  I  view  with  toleration  thorough, 
And  have  a  horror  of  regarding  heaven 
As  anybody's  rotten  borough. 

AND  here  again — 
I  do  not  hash  the  gospel  in  ray  books, 
And  thus  upon  the  public  mind  obtrude  it, 


As  if  I  thought,  like  Otaheitan  cooks, 
No  food  was  fit  to  eat  till  t  had  chewed  it. 

But  the  whole  piece  teems  with  such  flashes 
of  wit,  and  there  are  passages  of  noble  poetry 
in  it ;  as,  for  example,  the  lines  beginning 
One  place  there  is— beneath  the  burial  sod 

whiih  prove  again,  if  any  further  proof  were 
needed,  TOM  HOOD'S  title  "  to  find  honour- 
able mention  in  any  recital  of  the  names  of 
those  who  have  contributed  to  the  stock  of 
genuine  English  Poetry." 


SARTOE  AT  ST.  STEPHEN'S. 

["  The  Tailor  and  Cutter,  has  sent  a  Special 
Commissioner  to  the  Legislature  to  report  on  the 
attire  of  the  Ministers." — Daily  Newt.] 

AH  1  Here 's  your  true  "  Sartor  Resartus," 

A  fico  for  TOMMY  CARLYLE  I 
Dear  Tailor  and  Cutter,  impart  us 

The  secrets  of  out  and  of  style ! 
As  tried  by  The  Tailor  and  Cutter, 

How  wondrous  a  thing  is  the  world  1 
Lord  SALISBURY'S  coat  is  too  utter  I 

And    how   TAY    PAY'S   "collars"    are 

curled ! 

They  " curl  the  wrong   way"— like  his 
Party— 

And  so  he  goes  wrong  in  his  vote. 
You    can    gauge    DILLON,    "TiM,"    or 
MCCARTHY 

At  once,  by  the  out  of  his  coat. 
Dr.  AMBROSE'S  grey  is  a  torment, 

And  where  is  the  Markis's  taste, 
When   he  wears  that    vile   nondescript 
garment, 

With  "  lapels  that  roll  to  the  waist"  ? 
We  all  know  our  JOE  as  a  dandy, 

His  smart  D.  B.  frock  is  so  trim, 
With  orchid  to  buttonhole  handy, 

What  can  be  the  matter  with  him  ? 
What  wonder  the  Dutchman  has  "shut 
on" 

Smart ' '  Pushful,"  with  sinister  guile, 
JOE'S  vest,  which  is  "  short  of  a  button," 

Suggests  be  is  "  short  of  a  tile  "  ! 
Oor  woe  at  the  thought  who  can  utter  ? 

But  surely  we  ought  to  apply 
The  tests  of  The  Tailor  and  Cutter 

To  all  our  great  men.    Let  us  try  1 


BIKE!    BIKE!    BIKE! 

(0:d  Grumbler  to  New  Girl.) 
bn.-"Br«dk!   Break!   Break!" 

BIKE  I    Bike!    Bike! 

O'er  the  hard  street  stones,  0  She ! 
And  I  would  that  my  tongue  could  utter 

The  thoughts  that  arise  in  me  I 

0  well  for  the  newspaper  boy 
That  he  scoots  on  his  cycle  away  I 

0  well  for  the  butcher-lad 
That  he  pedals — perchance  it  may  pay  I 

But  when  stately  girls  get  on 

All  a-oronch,  and  with  prospect  of  spill, 
It  is  0  for  the  touch  of  a  wee  soft  hand. 

And  the  sound  of  a  voice  that  could  thrill ! 

Bike!    Bike!    Bike! 

With  thy  foot  on  the  pedal,  0  She ! 
But  the  girlish  grace  that  the  Wheel  struck 
dead 

Will  never  come  back  to  thee  I 


NOTE  AT  THE  HAYMARKET.— SHAKSPEARE 
under  a  TREE.  Must  make  mention  of  realistic 
combat  between  Hotiprir  and  Prince  Hal. 
Hotspur  started  hot  favourite,  but  Hal  beat 
bim  "  a  short  head,"  so  Sir  John,  who  "lay 
on  the  field"  during  the  fight,  mutt  have 
' '  come  out  a  winner  '  as  well.  Best  cong  ratu- 
laticns  to  THEE,  and  eo  with  a  bow  we  take 
our  leaves. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  OHABITlBt— MAT  30,  1896. 


A  COBONATION  GREETING. 

PEACE  (to  the  Czar).  "  I  WAS  YOUR  FATHER'S  FRIEND,— LET  ME  BE  YOURS." 


MAY  30,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


261 


THE    NEW    EXPRESSION 

AND  ATTITUDE  OBSERVABLE  IN  YOUNG  LADIES  OF  TO-DAY  AT  OHUBCH  PAKADE  A»I>  ELSE- 

WHERE  IS  SUPPOSED  TO  BK  THE  RESULT  OF  CONSTANT  DEVOTION  TO  THE  BlCYCLE. 


OPERATIC    NOTES. 

Monday. — VERDI'S  Rigoletto.  with  Madame 
A LHANI  as  the  luckless  Gilda,  Madame  MAN- 
TKI.LI  as  the  merry  Maddalena,  ANCONA  as 
Rigoletto,  and  DE  LUCIA  as  the  gallant  hut 
deceitful  Book.  By  the  way,  the  gay  Book 
spends  so  much  money  on  his  pleasures  that  he 
cmnot  afford  even  a  "spring  cleaning"  for 
the  splendid  palazzo  he  inhabits.  Rarely  has 
a  real  Book  resided  in  so  faded  and  so  sparsely 
furnished  a  mansion  as  is  this  one,  judging 
by  the  interior.  The  exterior  no  doubt  is 
something  beautiful,  an  architectural  gem; 
but  inside — well,  if  the  sleeping  apartments 
are  to  be  judged  by  the  reception-room  shown 
in  Act  II.,  the  accommodation  at  an  inferior 
wayside  inn  would  be  princely  to  it.  Of 
course,  when  lighted  up  for  a  party,  a  "  ball- 
room in  the  ducal  palace"  makes  a  very 
fair  show,  on  occasion ;  perhaps,  by  special 
arrangement  with  the  Buke'sprmcipal  trades- 
men. Madame  ALBANI  excelled  herself  as 
Gilda,  though,  personally,  I  trembled  for  her 
top  notes,  just  as  I  do  for  a  professional  tight- 
rope dancer,  when,  seeing  him  up  aloft  on  his 
perilous  journey,  I  wonder  whether  he  will 
ever  come  down  again.  However,  Madame 
ALBANI  not  only  came  down  safely  herself, 
but  "  brought  the  house  down"  as  well.  AN- 
CONA'S  Rigoktto  dramatically  and  vocally 
excellent ;  but  BE  LUCIA  rather  hard  for  such 


an  amorous  dog  of  a  Book.  Yet  his  great 
song,  "  La  Donna  e  Mobile"  he  gave  in  a 
careless,  reckless  style,  which  is  the  very 
key-note  of  the  character.  Signor  BEVIG- 
NANI  had  not  to  hand  up  any  bouquets. 
Royalties  smiled  on  the  Suffering  Soprano, 
and  the  curtain  was  raised  several  times  in 
response  to  hearty  applause.  It  is  pleasant  to 
suppose  that,  after  the  Opera  was  over,  there 
did  not  sit  down  to  supper  a  merrier,  more 
festive,  and  generally  better  satisfied-with- 
themselves  partv  than  Signori  BE  (LuciA, 
ANCONA,  and  Mesdames  MANTELLI  and 
AIBAFI. 

The  musical  Muse,  like  History,  occasion- 
ally repeats  herself.  Perhaps  she  takes  a 
perverse  pleasure  in  playing  a  practical  joke 
on  (wo  totally  different  composers  at  two  dis- 
tinct periods.  Who  wrote  Rigoletto  f  VEBDI. 
Who  wrote  "  The  Say  of  Biscay,  O"  ? 
Was  it  BIBDIN,  words  and  music  ?  I  forget. 
But  in  Rigoletto  and  in  the  song  "  Bay  of 
Biscay?'  there  occurs,  if  not  precisely  the 
same  phrase,  at  least  one  so  closely  resembling 
it,  that  humming  it  you  can  tumble  into  the 
"  Bay  of  Biscay"  as  easily  as  possible,  and 
come  up  again  as  fresh  as  ever  for  Rigoletto. 
Listen  tor  it  next  time  you  assist  at  Rigoletto, 
and  tell  me  if  it  isn't  an  example  of  "  un- 
designed (musical)  coincidence."  I  won't 
mention  in  which  act  it  occurs. 

Wednesday.— Signor  LUCIA  as  Little  Fra 


Diavolo.  MABIE  ENGLE  as  Zerlina.  Some- 
how AUBEH'S  delightful  music  is  not  quite  BO 
fresh  as  it  was.  Says  WAGGY,  "  O  Bear  with 
it."  Then  he  vanishes.  It  being  the  Birth- 
day night,  the  National  Anthem  is  given 
before  the  Opera  begins,  and  a  free  pardon  is 
granted  to  WAGGY. 

Thursday.  —  Cavatteria  (Italian),  and 
Hansel  and  Gretel  (English).  Nothing  new. 
English  and  Italian  go  together  very  well 
just  now.  People  recovering  from  Birthday 
honours  and  convivialities. 

Friday.— JOHN  and  NED  DE  RESZKE  aa 
Lohengrin  and  Heinrich  der  Vogltr.  Lady 
with  accurate  knowledge  of  German  trans- 
lates Heinrich  der  Voglerva  HENEY  the  Vulgar, 
or,  in  fact,  'ABBY  ;  but  this  translation  not 
in  keeping  with  NEDDY,  who  is  quite  the 
monarch,  with  not  much  to  sing,  but  with 
that  little  first-rate,  as  are  all  engaged  in  this 
performance  to-night.  Madame  ALBANI  is  at 
her  very  best  as  the  innocent  Elsa  (tinging 
beautifully  WAGXER'S  variation  on  "Home, 
Sweet  Home,"  whenupin  thebalcony,  Actll.), 
and  Mile.  MEISSLIXGER  most  dramatic  as  In- 
truding Ortruda.  BBUBIOLANUS,  looking  ten 
years  younger,  and  slimmer  than  ever,  dropj 
in,  casually,  in  character  of  "  Beamish  Boy," 
and.  standing  at  stall  entrance,  "chortles  in 
his  joy." 

Saturday.—  BOITO'S  Opera  of  Mefistofele 
off  I  La  Favorita  substituted. 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

A  SELFISH  SOLILOQUY  IN  A  PUNT. 

I  LIKE  your  pretty  daintiness 

Of  broad-brimmed  hat  and  creamy  dress 

No  other  girl,  I  must  confess. 

Could  wield  that  pole  so  brightly ! 
I  like  the  plashing  of  the  weir, 
That  seems  so  far  while  yet  so  near, 
So  softly  does  it  strike  the  ear, 

So  lazily  and  lightly  I 

The  willows  bend  to  kiss  the  stream, 
Like  constant  lovers,  while  the  gleam 
Of  fitful  sunshine  makes  a  dream 

Of  latticed  gold  in  greenery. 
The  restless  rushes  nod  and  sway, 
And  long  laburnum  tresses  stray 
'Mid  chestnut  spikes  and  starry  may— 

I  like  this  river  scenery. 

Among  the  cushions  at  my  ease, 
I  should  indeed  be  hard  to  please 
Jf  I  were  not  content  with  these 

Fair  pictures  never  ending. 
I  feel  like  some  enraptured  Turk, 
While  watching  you  do  all  the  work. 
My  share  of  duty  I  must  shirk — 

Of  course  without  offending. 

This  good  cigar  is  so  sublime — 
(This  nicotine  in  nick  of  time)— 
To  cast  it  from  me  were  a  crime 

Beserving  strong  correction  I 
So  let  me  lie,  and  yet  be  true. 
I  need  not  oft-told  vows  renew. 
I  only  live  to  look  at  you  I 

At  punting  you  're  perfection ! 


AN  All-Night  Sitting  in  the  Great  Wheel 
is  rather  worse  than  an  All-Night  Sitting  in 
the  House;  as  in  the  latter  some  one  is 
always  "  moving,"  and  even  "  Obstruction  " 
was  announced  by  the  P.  M.  G.  as  "  in  fall 
swing."  

A  BlFPEB^NCE  WITHOUT  A  BlSTINCTION. — 

It  is  rumoured  that  the  Rue  des  Martyrs, 
Paris,  is  to  be  rechristened  under  the  name 
of  Rue  des  Homines  Maries  I 


262 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAT  30,  1896. 


French  Lady.   ''  PiccA-Di-LKB  CAIBCUS."       Obliging  Condtictor.  "  A LL  RIGHT.     ONK  PBNCF." 
French  Lady  (who  rather  prides  herself  on  her  English  pronunciat  on}.  "I  AKTKBSTODD  zs 
ENGLMSHB  LANGTT*.  '       Obliging  Conductor.  "On,  ALL  RIGHT.     KKBP  YKE  'Aia  owl" 


IN  DEFENCE  OF  THE  BOUNDER. 

["  There 's  no  JACK  without  a  JILL." — Proverb.] 

THIS  Age  delights  to  "  blow  upon  " 

Well-founded  claims  to  wickedness — 
Satan  and  JUDAS  and  King  JOHN 

Have  all  been  whitewashed,  more  or  less. 
Bounder,  in  your  defence  I  dare 

A  feat  still  even  more  astounding, 
Although  it  pains  me  everywhere 

To  see  you,  so  to  speak,  abounding  ! 

To  prove  black  white,  December  Miy, 

Or  .1  OIIN  a  most  enlightened  king, 
Were  easier  than  to  Had  to  say 

In  your  defence  a  single  thing. 
I  only  know,  I  must  confess, 

([  trust  my  candour  will  not  hurt  you,) 
One  fact  that  shows  you  may  possess 

Some  unobserved  redeeming  virtue. 

Some  eye  has  brightened  yours  to  greet, 

(Not  mine,  I  give  my  solemn  word,) 
Some  heart  to  know  you  near  has  beat, 

(It  seems— forgive  me— quite  absurd ;) 
Same  tender  hand  has  smoothed  your  hair, 

(One  shudders  at  the  mere  suggestion,) 
In  short,  some  woman  sweet  and  fair 

Has  cared  for  you  beyond  all  question. 

This  only  good  in  you  I  've  seen — 

No  woman  could  have  held  you  dear, 
Except  your  mother,  had  you  been 

The  utter  Yahoo  you  appear  I 
So.  since  it  may  exceed  yoar  due 

To  rail  at  you,  as  some  do,  madly, 
In  silence  let  us  "  suffer  "  you 

With  resignation,  if  not  "  gladly"  I 


THE  PAWNBBOKEB'S  OWN  TBEE.— The 
Pop-lar. 


PHONETIC  BHYMES. 
THERE  was  a  young  chappie  named  CHOLMON- 

DELEY, 

Who  always  at  dinner  tat  dolmordeley. 

His  fair  partner  said, 

As  he  crumbled  his  bread, 
"  Dear  me  I  you  behave  very  rholmondeley  1  ' 

Thtre  was  an  old  jnnon  named  BEAUCHAMP, 
Who    would    lecture    his    flock    and    be- 
preauchamp. 

"They  must  learn  their  liters 

And  bow  to  their  betters  !  " 
(He  said),  "  and  I  'm  going  to  teauc'iatnp  !  " 

Thtre  lived  a  young  lady  named  SAINT  CLAIR 
Whose  eye  was  the  merriest  t  waint  Glair. 

Sie  said  to  her  beau, 

"  I  want  ooals  from  below  ; 
Do  you  mind  agitating  the  taint  Cla'r?" 

A  fine  old  landowner  named  MABJOBIBANKB, 
Found   the    summer  -heat    dry   paths    and 

parjoribanks, 
8  >  about  his  estate, 
To  protect  his  old  pate, 
He  arrange!  pine  plantations  aid  larjori- 
banks  I 


A  wealthy  old  buffer  named  SAINT 

Had  a  fire,  and  went  off  for  an  aint  Job  a. 

He  helped  it  to  play, 

Bat,  alts  I  the  next  day 
He  was   plagued  with   rheumalioal  twaint 
John  I 


DRIVING  INTELLIGENCE.— Gblf  Clubs  are 
being  established  all  over  France.  The  Presi- 
dent of  the  Republic,  should  he  visit  one  of 
the  Links,  cannot  fail  to  be  delighted  at  the 
constant  shouts  of  "Fore  I  Fore  1 " 


SONG  IN  THE  GREAT  WHEEL. 

HEBE  we  go  up,  up,  up, 
Here  we  go  down,  down,  down,  0 ; 
Now  we  're  stuck  up,  up,  up, 
Far  above  London  town,  0.] 

Here  we  can't  sup,  sup,  sup, 
Nor  breakfast,  no,  nor  dine,  0 ; 
We  took  with  us  no  food  up, 
Starting  at  half -past  nine,  0. 

If  ever  you  book,  book,  book, 
For  a  Great  Wheel  circular  tour,  0, 
To  go  with  a  Personal  "  Cook," 
And  wittlea  and  drink  be  sure,  0. 


"THE  POOR  R.A."— A  CAUSERIE. 

SCENE— A  Fashionable  Dining-room.  TIME 
— The  End  of  the  Menu.  A  Casual 
Couple  discovered  Converting. 

He  (making  conversation).  Been  to  Burling- 
ton House  P 

She  (with  enthusiasm) .  The  Royal  Academy  I 
Oh,  I  am  BO  much  interested !  Such  capital 
pictures  I 

He  (keeping  on  safe  ground).  Which  did 
you  like  best  r 

She  (following  suit).  Oh,  all  of  them. 
Which  did  you  ? 

He  (after  consideration).  Well,  I  am  rather 
a  bad  one  for  names.  But  they  all  seem  to 
be  very  good.  The  portraits  are  capital. 

She.  Oh,  yes.  Have  you  any  particular 
favourite  ? 

Hf.  (again  taking  his  time).  Well,  no.  You 
sej  they  all  appear  to  be  so  good. 

She.  Quite.  Well,  I  am  going  to  Burlinj- 
toa  House  to-morrow  before  lunsh.  Perhaps 
we  might  compare  notes.  But  then,  peril  ips, 
you  won't  want  to  go  again  ? 

He  (after  a  moment's  hesitation,  with  a 
smile).  1  don't  mind  confessing  that,  this  jew, 
I  haven't  been  to  the  Royal  Academy  at  ail. 

She  (promptly).  No  more  have  1 1 
[The  ladies  rise  and  leave  the  room.    Scene 
closes  in  upon  claret,  cigarettes,  and 
masculine  chatter. 


THE  LAST  GALOP. 

BEFORE  the  fall  perhaps  I  might 

Have  ventured  to  c  >mpare  the  ball 
To  Eden,  smiling  fair  and  bright, 
"  Before  the  fall." 

Alas,  we  heard  the  serpent's  call  — 
*•  John  Peel,1'  whose  strains  to  romp  invite ; 

We  came  a  cropper— such  a  sprawl! 
Ani  ne'er  a?ain,  I  fear,  the  right 

Sweet  "  PHYLLIS  "  on  my  card  to  scrawl 
You  '11  give  nee,  as  you  did  to-night 
Before  the  f all  1 


MOAN  OF  A  MINISTERIALIST. 

OIK  Bill  <  appear  all  of  a  huddle, 

The  Rads,  like  young  tigers,  taste  blood  : 
Our  game  appears  Closure  and  muddle, 

And  theirs  seems  Amendments  and  Mud  ! 
Rethinks  Men   and   Measures   gain    scarce 

anything 

From  the  muddle  we  make  or   the   mud 
which  they  fling ! 

VIEWS  ON  THE  VESIRY  ELECTIONS.' 

Moderate  Maxim  (as  applied  to  Pro- 
gressives). "  Mend  or  (Mile)  End  them  ! ' 

Progressive  Maxim  (as  applied  to  Moder- 
ates). •'  Check  'em  or  (o'outh)  Peckham!  " 


SH4K8PEABIAN  QUOTATION  (very   slightly 
adapted,  appropriated  apopular '  'financier")- 

0,  this  boy 
Lends  metal  to  us  all. 
Henry  the  Fourth,  Pt.  I.,  Act  V.,  sc.  4. 


MAT  30,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


263 


OOM    PAUL-0    POST    FUTURUM! 

[PARLIAMENTARY  FASHIONS.— There  is  a  rumour  in  tailoring  circles  that,  owing  to  recent  events,  the  "  Costume  Kriiger  "  will  be  largely 

adopted  by  prominent  politicians.] 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FBOM  THE  DIABY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 


peo; 


Blouse  of  Commons,  Monday,  May  18. — "  Djn't  you  think  you 

.  jple  are  a  trifle  hard  on  SILOMIO  ?  "  said  SABX.  "  I  know  he  is  a 
little  ludicrous,  and  usually  in  bad  form.  Bat  I  'm  grateful  to  him 
for  reviving  memories  of  early  boyhood.  Remember  when  I  was 
taken  to  pantomime  for  first  glorious  time,  the  thing  that  made 
sharpest  and  most  lasting  impression  on  my  mind  was  the  inoll'en- 
sive,  well-meaning,  middle-aged  gentleman,  who,  as  soon  as  he 
appeared  on  the  Btage,  was  incontinently  knocked  down.  SILOJIIO 
is  the  pantaloon  of  our  Parliamentary  scene.  Steps  on  with  imposing 
stride,  makes  portentous  remark,  usually  in  form  of  question ; 
straightway  DDK  JOSE,  GEORGE  COBZON,  or,  as  happened  the  other 
night,  PRINCE  ARTHTJK.  gives  him  a  backhander,  and  he  lies  sprawl- 
ing amid  contumelious  laughter. 

"  Same  in  last  Parliament,  when  he  considerably  helped  to  make 
fortunes  of  those  promising  Under  Secretaries  EDWABD  GBEY  and 
SYDNEY  BUXTON.  Let  us  remember  the  good  in  contemplating  the 
bad.  Parliament  monotonously  dreary  just  now.  Let  u«  be  thankful 
that  SILOMIO  declined  overtures  made  to  him  last  year  by  his  black 
brethren,  resisting  temptation  to  wear  light  clothing  and  rule  over 
a  principality  in  Central  Africa." 

It  was  DON  JOSE  who  to-night  touched  up  with  the  Parliamentary 
red-hot  poker  the  patriotic  Member  for  Eccleshall  division  of  Sheffield. 
SILOMIO  put  two  questions  about  South  African  affairs,  of  which 
he  said  he  'd  given  private  notice.  This,  it  turned  out,  was  a  note 
thrust  in  DON  JOSE'S  hand  as  he  entered  House.  Reasonable  rule 
requires  that  Ministers  shall  have  full  notice  of  question.  Rule 
more  imperative  in  view  of  the  importance  and  nicety  of  foreign 
affairs.  DON  JOSE  begged  his  honourable  friend  to  observe  this  rule. 
Opposition  jeered  at  prostrate  figure.  SILOMIO,  scrambling  on  to 
feet,  proposed  to  continue  conversation.  Uouie  roared  contume- 
liously.  SILOMIO  used  to  that. 

"  May  I  be  allowed  to  explain  P  "  he  shouted. 

SPEAKER  thought  not.  More  howling.  SILOMIO  dropped  into  his 
seat.  Up  again,  facing  the  storm  with  flushed  face  and  angry  eye- 
glass. Wanted  to  know  whether  he  was  to  understand  that  the 
demand  made  upon  him  by  DON  JOSE  referred  to  appointments  made 
by  himself,  of  which  he  must  have  ample  knowledge  ? 

"  The  hon.  gentleman,"  said  DON  JOSE,  coldly,  "  will  of  course  act 
on  his  own  discretion." 

If  there  is  one  light  in  the  constellation  of  SILOMIO'S  sterling 
qualities  that  shines  with  stronger,  mellower  light  than  another,  it  is 
his  discretion.  The  shaft  went  home,  and  for  the  evening  SILOMIO 
sat  in  silence,  brooding  over  his  monotonous  fate,  and  thinking 


whether,  after  all,  he  was  wise  to  give  up  to  "Westminster  what  was 
meant  for  the  Gold  Coast. 
Business  done. — Agricultural  Rating  Bill  in  Committee. 

Tuesday.— Curious  how  through  everyday  life  runs  echo  of  the 
voice  of  the  Divine  WILLIAMS.  "  Do  you  bite  your  thumb  at  us?" 
asked  Abram,  in  the  conversation  between  the  Montague  and  the 
Cipulet  retainers. 

Sampson.  I  do  bite  my  thumb,  Sir. 
Abram.  Do  you  bite  your  thumb  at  us,  Sir  ? 
Snmpton.  Is  the  law  on  our  side,  if  I  say — ay  ? 
Gregory.  No. 

Sampson.  No,  Sir,  I  do  not  bite  my  thumb  at  you,  Sir ;  but  I  bite  my 
thumb,  Sir. 

Compare  the  passage  with  a  little  conversation  that  took  place 
just  now  between  SQUIBE  OF  BLANKNEY  and  DAVID  AP  THOMAS. 
DAVID  had  been  slinging  stones  at  giant  on  Treasury  Bench.  One, 
describing  Rating  Bill  as  barefaced  piece  of  plunder  promoted  by 
those  who  would  derive  pecuniary  advantage  from  it,  struck  with 
resounding  thud.  Up  jumped  SQUIRE  in  towering  rage.  What 
follows  is  taken  from  Parliamentary  report : 

Mr.  CHAPLIN  :  Do  you  impute  motive  ? 

Mr.  THOMAS  :  No ;  I  do  not. 

Mr.  CHAPLIN  :  Do  you  impute  any  motive  ? 

Mr.  THOMAS  :  That  is  not  the  actual  motive,  but 

"  But  me  no  huts  1 "  roared  the  SQUIBE,  still  sticking  to  SHAK- 
BPEARIAN  form.  Thereupon,  seizing  DAVID  by  the  scruff  of  the 
neck,  he  dragged  him  up  to  Chair,  and  propossd  a  caning.  (This,  of 
course,  in  Parliamentary  sense.) 

Things  looking  lively  till  Chairman  squirted  stream  of  cold  water, 
and  the  bubbling  steam  collapsed. 

"  I  wish  to  ask  you,  Sir,"  said  the  SQUIRE,  giving  his  knuckles 
an  adroit  turn  between  DAVID'S  neck  and  the  collar  of  his  coat, 
"  whether  it  is  not  contrary  to  the  Rules  of  the  House  for  one  hon. 
Member  to  impute  motive  to  another  P  " 

"  Certainly,  said  the  Chairman,  with  freezing  blandness.  "  But 
I  did  not  understand  that  the  hon.  Member  had  imputed  motive." 
Whereat  the  Opposition  wildly  cheered. 

This  an  episode  in  a  sitting  that  came  in  like  a  dyspeptic  lamb, 
and  went  out  like  a  roaring  lion.  In  the  dinner  hour  PRINCE 
ARTHUR  pounced.  Not  with  your  ordinary  Closure,  that  shuts  up 
talk  round  trifling  amendment.  A  sweeping  stroke,  that  lopped  off 
a  page  of  amendments,  carrying  eight  lines  of  the  Bill,  affirming  its 
principal  proposition  that,  at  expense  of  National  Exchequer,  agri- 
cultural land  shall  be  relieved  of  a  moiety  of  its  rates. 

"  Ha!  Hal  "  said  TRUCULENT  TIM,  rubbing  his  hands  in  ecstasy 
as  he  watched  ecene  from  his  place  of  retreat.  "  Now  the  House  is 


264 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  30,  1896. 


having:  a  taste  of  what  we  in  Ireland  used  to  get  when  your  PRINCE 
AKTII  i  K  ruled  at  Dublin  Castle.    The  liberal  minority  have  got  a 
dab  of  Coercion,  and  I  hope  they  like  it." 
Business  done. — PKINCK  ARTHUR  astonishes  the  Opposition. 

Wednesday. — Birthday  honours  have  fallen  lightly  on  House  of 
Commons.  All  the  three  new  Peers  were  with  us  once.  The  MABXIS 
o'  GRAN  i; Y  left  of  own  free  will  at  close  of  last  Parliament.  As  he 
will  in  due  course  become  Duke  of  RUTLAND,  it  seems  waste  of 
good  material  to  make  him  a  Peer.  SAKK  say*  he  knows  a 
quarter  in  which  peerage  might  have  been  more  ust  fully  bestowed. 
HKNKAGK  we  lost  amid  crash  of  general  election ;  completed  a 
distinguished  career  by  losing  Unionist  seat  when  Unionists  tri- 
umphed all  alcua:  Ihe  line.  Some  curiosity  as  to  what  title  he  will 
adopt.  Below  Gangway,  where  he  used  to  sit,  it  is  said  he  will 
become  Baron  SMIKF.  Why,  I  don't  know.  Doesn't  seem  parti- 
cularly nice  title.  Then  there 's  Colonel  MALCOLM,  known  in  choirs 
and  places  where  they  »ing  as  POLTALT-CCH.  A  model  Highland 
Chietisdear  POLTALLOCH,  one  after  Sir  WALTER  SCOTT'S  own  heart. 
Sat  for  Argyllshire  for  six  years,  a  man  as  good  as  he  is  good- 
looking. 

Still  with  us  in  Commons  is  PENBOSE-FITZ GERALD,  hereafter  Sir 
ROBERT — Sir  ROBERT  UNIACKE  PEWBOSE-FIIZGERALD.  Naturally, 
when  Home  Rale  became  burning  question  PENBOSE  declared 
against  it. 

"Pronounced  how  you  like,"  said  he,  "  U-N-I-A-C-K-E  spells 
Unionist." 

It  was  PENBOSE  who  for  a  moment  abashed  even  the  CAP'BK. 
Once,  when  the  Old  Salt  had  taken  charge  of  debate  in  the  House, 
he  invited  FITZGERALD  to  lend  a  hand. 

"  No,"  said  the  unconsciously  budding  Baronet,  "  I  'm  not  going 
to  take  my  orders  from  a  spit-to-win'nard  admiral." 

It  i«  to  be  hoped  his  new  dignity  will  bring  Sir  LEWIS  MC!VER, 
B.B.K.,  again  to  the  front  in  Parliamentary  debate.  In  the  short 
Parliament  of  1886  he  sat  just  long  enough  to  show  rare  debating 
power.  Has  been  silent  in  this  Parliament;  must  not  die  with  all 
bis  music  in  him. 

Business  done. — In  Committee  on  Rating  Bill. 

^Friday,  1.30  P.M. — Just  adjourned  for  the  holidays,  after  sitting 
that  lacked  only  hour  and  a  half  to  round  off  the  fall  day.  Began 
quietly  enough.  When  we  met  yesterday,  at  three  o'clock,  PBINCE 
ABTHIJB  said,  "  I  'm  going  to  get  Agricultural  Rating  Bill  through 
Committee  before  you  go  home." 

"  No,  you  don't,"  said  the  Opposition. 

PBINCE  ARTHUR  did,  but  the  cost  was  considerable.    Gentlemen 
of  England  who  go  to  bed  at  ease,  and  get  fresh  flavour  out  of  mild 
morning  bacon,  on  opening  paper  to  discover  House  has  been  sitting 
all  night,  think  it 's  fine  fun.    >S  j  it  is,  though  amusement  is  divide 
after  manner  of  frogs  at  bottom  of  well  and  boys  pelting  them  from 
above.    What 's  fan  to  outside  puMio  is  death  to  some  of  those  who 


Debating  the  "  Belief  Bill "  !    (5.30  a.m.)    Loud  Ministerial  Snores ! 

live  through  dreary  watches  of  night,  see  the  dawn  break,  and  peg 
alongint)  another  day,  bathless  and  breakfastless. 

"  Whom  the  gods  love  get  suspended  early,"  said  SQUIRE  OF 
MALWOOD,  as.  about  half-past  three  this  morning,  JOHN  DILLON  and 
four  other  a  left  the  House  under  circumstances  of  compulsion.  *  *  M  ach 
the  best  way  out  of  it.  You  flout  the  Chairman  or  SPEAK EB;  are 
'  named '  ;  resolution  to  suspend  you  from  service  of  House  is  solemnly 
made ;  division  takes  place :  you  march  out  with  all  honours  of 
war ;  comfortably  'go  to  bed,  leaving  ui  here  to  fight  on  to  the 
melancholy  end.  As  old  Parliamentary  Hand,  if  I  weren't  Leader 


THE    LITTLE   VISITOR    FROM   TOWN. 

FA*  or,  AUNTIE,  I  HEARD  THE  NIGHTINGALE  SAY  'CooKOo'!" 


of  Opposition,  bound  to  avoid  so-called  undignified  situation,  when- 
ever I  saw  all-night  sitting  setting  in,  should  get  myself  suspended  ; 
and,  as  PEPTS  occasionally  remarked,  so  home  to  bed." 

DILLOX  and  his  friends  comfortably  tucked  in,  we  went  at  it 
again  ;  wcrried  on  till  noon  ;  someone  remembered  we  had  arranged 
to  meet  at  that  hour  to  commence  new  sitting.  Wherj  were  we? 
Is  to-day  to-morrow,  or  was  it  merely  yesterday  ?  No  one  quite 
certain.  Seemed  every  prospect  that,  when  we  finish  this  coil,  will 
begin  quite  fresh  one.  PBINCE  ABTHUB,  seeing  opportunity,  struck 
bargain  with  House. 

"Pass  Agricultural  Rating  Bill  through  Committee,"  he  said, 
"  and  we'll  say  nothing  about  what  should  be  Friday's  business." 

Sj  it  was  settled.  Thursday  ran  into  Friday,  obliterating  it. 
There  was  no  Friday's  sitting,  as  solemnly  arranged  yesterday. 
SABK  rays  sfetns  strange,  since  he  was  certainly  here  at  half-past 
one  this  afternoon,  with  hazy  consciousness  of  having  been  there,  and 
thereabouts,  since  three  o'clock  yesterday. 

Business  done. — Rating  Bill  carried  through  Committee.  Ad- 
journed for  Whitsun  holidays. 


"  SHOOTING  A  SITTER." 


I  KNOW  not  how  it  was— one  day 
Quite  off  my  guard  you  got  me, 

Before  I  'd  time  to  fly  away, 
The  deed  was  done— you  shot 
me ! 

Your  weapon  levelled  at  my  head, 
You  "  sitting  "  chose  to  pot  me, 

Not  sportsmanlike  it  may  be  said, 
Bat  eo  it  was  you  shot  me. 

'Mid  trophies  of  your  skill,  I  hear, 

Beholders  still  may  spot  me ; 
My    carelessness    has    cost    me 

dear — 

You  took  your  chance,  and  shot 
me. 


My  feelings    in    this  plight   I 

thought 

On  paper  down  I  'd  jot  me, 
That  you  might  know  the  woe 

you  wrought 
The  unhappy  day  you  shot  me. 

And  yet  not  all  unhappy  day — 

If  you  will  never  blot  me 
Oat  of  your  memory,  as  I  pray, 

I  '11  e'en  rejoice  you  shot  me. 
Because  through  you,  I  truly  vow, 

All  bliss  the  Fates  allot  me— 
I  even  bless  the  Kodak  now 

With  which,  dear  NELL,  you 
"shot  "me  I 


JUNE  6,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


265 


NOMENCLATURE. 

Errand  Boy.  "LoRl    WOT 'a  'is  NAME,  I  WONDBR?    SOOTLAOSS?" 


ROUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

MY  BROTHER-IN-LAW. 

THIS  is  the  story,  so  far  as  it  has  gone,  of  a  real  brother-in-law, 
whom  for  the  sake  of  convenience  I  shall  consider  as  mine,  while  for 
the  same  reason  I  naturally  assume  myself  to  have  married  his 
sister,  and  (though  not  perhaps  so  naturally)  to  have  been  for  some 
time  settled  in  life  as  a  barrister  with  a  large  and  increasing 
practice. 

WHEN  I  married  ALICE,  it  was  explained  to  me,  both  by  the  dear 
girl  herself,  and  by  all  her  relatives,  that  one  of  their  chief  joys  in 
assenting  to  the  match  lay  in  the  fact  that  henceforth  little  HAKKY 
would  have  a  natural  guardian  and  protector.  Little  HABBY,  the 
brother-in-law  in  question,  was  then  a  stripling  of  sixteen  or 
seventeen,  the  age  which  makes  a  boy  painfully  conscious  of  the 
awkwardness  of  his  hands,  afflicts  him  with  a  furious  desire  to  dress 
in  the  most  marked  extravagance  of  the  latest  fashion,  and,  if  he 
happens  to  possess  a  father,  fills  him  with  shame  over  the  hopeless 
cut  of  his  parent's  trousers,  and  the  antiquated  shape  of  his  parent's 
top  hat.  If  HABBY  had  possessed  a  father,  all  would  have  been  well, 
but  death  had  removed  this  prosperous  merchant  from  the  scene 
come  ten  years  before  ALICE  accompanied  me  to  the  altar.  By  a 
curious  freak,  whioh  I  have  never  been  able  to  explain,  all  her  chief 
surviving  relatives  were  of  her  own  sex,  and  it  was  therefore  assumed 
that  1  should  not  only  make  a  home  for  ALICE,  but  also  act  in  all 
respects  as  a  father  to  HABBY. 

FOB  a  time  all  went  well.  HABBY  was  at  Eton,  and  only  came  to 
us  during  his  holidays.  Later  on  he  went  to  Cambridge,  and  then 
our  troubles  began.  I  must  explain  that,  by  bis  father's  will,  a  small, 
but  sufficient,  annual  allowance  had  been  provided  for  him  until  he 
should  come  of  age,  at  which  time  he  was  to  come  into  the  possession  of 
eome  thirty  thousand  pounds  absolutely.  HABBY  is  one  of  the  most 
good-natured  young  men  in  the  world.  Nothing  delights  him  more 
than  to  eee  all  his  friends  enjoying  themselves,  and  feasting  and 
revelling  at  bis  expense.  All  his  clothes  were  beautiful ;  his  smok- 
ing suits  were  a  dream  ;  he  played  polo  in  white  linen  breeches  and 


beautiful  brown  boots.  His  bedroom  was  littered  with  a  hundred 
ties  of  every  degree  of  gorgeousness ;  his  toilet  table  was  brilliant 
with  his  jewellery.  The  result  of  all  this  was  that,  before  two  years 
were  out,  he  was  in  debt  to  various  tradesmen  in  the  sum  01  two 
thousand  pounds ;  and,  at  a  family  conclave,  it  was  resolved  that 
Cambridge  was  not  the  place  for  him,  and  that  some  other  step  must 
be  taken. 

WE  resolved,  therefore,  to  send  him  to  an  army  tutor,  whose 
establishment  was  situated  in  a  quiet  part  of  the  country,  and  who 
held  himself  out  not  only  as  the  provider  of  a  happy  home,  but  also 
a>  a  strict  disciplinarian.  In  two  months  HARRY  had  set  the 
country-side  on  fire  by  his  own  exploits  and  those  of  his  dogs,  and  it 
became  necessary,  for  prudential  reasons,  to  remove  him.  In  three 
months  more  he  came  of  age,  and  startled  us  with  the  intelligence 
that  he  was  off  to  Monte  Carlo.  We  protested  in  vain.  He  put  us 
aside  with  a  smile,  and  started.  Shortly  afterwards  we  learnt  from 
paragraphs  in  the  World  that  "a  young  Englishman,  said  to  be  a 
near  relative  of  a  successful  barrister,  who  lately  contested  a  north 
country  borough  in  the  Conservative  interest,"  had  had  an  extraordi- 
nary run  of  luck  at  the  trente  et  quarante  tables,  that  the  bank  had 
been  practically  broken,  and  that  all  Monte  Carlo  was  marvelling  at 
the  audacity  of  this  young  player.  As  it  turned  out,  it  was  none 
other  than  HABBY.  ALICE  was  quite  proud  of  him.  "  There,"  she 
said,  "  you  always  said  the  boy  was  a  fool— but  I  knew  better.  If 
he  can  win  money  against  all  those  clever  people  at  Monte  Carlo  he 
can't  be  a  fool."  She  wrote  and  congratulated  him ;  and  I  must 
confess  that,  in  a  quiet  way,  I  was  rather  pleased  myself  when  some 
of  my  friends  rallied  me  in  Court  about  the  good  fortune  of  my 
brother-in-law,  and  suggested  that  I  should  follow  his  brilliant 
example.  In  another  month  HA KRY  returned  to  us,  minus  twenty 
thousand  pounds.  

HE  then  said  he  was  going  to  be  a  business  man,  and  that  some  of 
his  friends  had  put  him  into  a  real  good  thing.  He  gave  us  all 
beautiful  presents,  made  my  house  his  home,  had  a  special  breakfast 
at  twelve  o'clock  in  the  morning,  sauntered  about  town,  visited  all 
the  race  meetings,  came  home  at  the  most  unearthly  hours,  and  in 
three  months  had  been  reduced  to  his  last  penny.  The  next  sugges- 
tion made  for  his  benefit  was  that  he  should  try  his  fortune  in 
British  Columbia.  He  was  away  for  a  year,  during  which,  according 
to  his  own  account,  he  was  six  times  on  the  verge  of  becoming  a 
millionaire  by  means  of  silver  mines.  Something,  however,  always 
happened  to  prevent  this  desirable  consummation;  his  partners 
swindled  him,  the  government  refused  in  the  most  dastardly  fashion 
to  make  the  necessary  roads,  the  weather  prevented  work,  the  town 
was  overwhelmed  by  a  landslip,  or  the  legislation  of  the  United 
States  ruined  the  silver  industry.  Whatever  may  have  been  the 
reason,  my  amiable  brother-in-law  returned  as  he  went  out,  bringing 
home  nothing  but  a  large  stock  of  strange  oaths,  a  pronounced  taste 
for  inferior  varieties  of  whiskey,  and  a  shadowy  claim  to  some  twenty 
thousand  acres  of  barren  land  in  British  Columbia. 
(To  be  continued.) 


THE  HIGH-METTLED  RACER. 

[It  is  said  that  6000  old  horses  hare  been  imported  into  Belgium  from 
England  in  one  year,  and  afterwards  killed  and  converted  into  tinned  meat.] 

EH  ?    "  The  high-mettled  racer  is  sold  for  the  hounds  P  " 

Nay,  not  whilst  the  Spirit  of  Commerce  abounds  I 

He  ran  for  the  Derby,  he  crawled  in  a  cab, 

But  not  yet  the  horse-knacker  his  carcase  shall  nab ; 

Not  yet  shall  the  hounds  or  the  pussy-cats  part 

His  broken-down  body,  bis  plucky  old  heart. 

Still  money,  if  not  Cups  and  Stakes,  he  may  win. 

The  high-mettled  racer  is  packed  up  in  tin. 

A  potted  Bucephalus  yet  has  his  price ! 

The  notion  is  new,  though  it  hardly  sounds  nice. 

He  won  lots  of  cash  when  young,  handsome  and  fleet, 

And  now  he  '11  still  turn  in  the  "  tin  "—as  tinned  meat. 

Not  cat's-meat  I    Oh,  no  I    Pack  him  up  in  a  can, 

And  the  horse,  though  no  more,  shall  still  nourish  the  man. 

Despatch  him  to  Belgium,  when  past  all  relief. 

And  the  high-mettled  racer  returns— as  tinned  beef  I 


PBE-DERBY  PBIEBE.— The  slatting  of  Regret  in  (according  to  a 
telegram  from  the  Duke  of  WESTMIUSIBB  published  in  the  Sports- 
man last  Satuiday)  to  depend  on  the  rain.  If  he  does  s^art,  his 
place  will  also,  to  a  certain  extent,  depend  en  the  rein,  and  the  band 
that  guides  it.  May  Jupiter  Pluvius  he  favouiablel  May  Regrtt 
be  in  for  the  struggle,  and  not  be  " hors  de  combat"  !  And  may 
the  Duke  not  have  to  exclaim,  "  Regret  is  useless  1 " 


VOL.  ex. 


A  V 


266 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI, 


[JUNE  6,  1896. 


KING   SOL   AND   KING   CRICKET. 

Dr,  Grace  (addressing  the  Sun,}.    '  BBAVO,  OLD  SOL  I    As  LONO  AS  YOU  'BB  OUT,  WE  BATSMBN  WILL  KEEP  IN  1 " 

(Fide  verses,  p.  267.) 


JUNE  6,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


267 


SO    IT   SEEMS! 

"  HAVE  YOU  EVER  TRIED  RlDINO  WITHOUT  THE  HANDLES  1     IT  *S     I 
DELIGHTFULLY  BAST,   ALL  BUT  THE  CORNERS." 


THE  TWO  KINGS  OP  CRICKET. 

(King  Sol  and  King  Willow.) 

["  MB.  W.  G.  GRACE  (in  the  match  Sussex  v.  Gloucester,  at  Brighton, 
May  26 — 27)  carried  out  his  bat  for  a  magnificent  innings  of  243,  which  is 
his  twelfth  score  of  over  two  hundred  in  first-class  matches."— Daily  News.'] 

11  So  ho  !  so  ho !  may  the  courtiers  sing. 
Honour  and  life  to  Willow  the  King  " 

Marrow  Songt, 

GREAT  Helios,  or  Sol,  if  he  didn't  change  places 
With  glorious  Apollo,  at  least  loved  the  Graces ; 

And  GBACES  may  well  love  "  Old  Solus." 
"  This  Bat "  (unlike  most  other  bats)  loves  the  Sun, 
And  cries  to  the  Ball  "  While  Sol  keeps  up  the  fun  ; 
We  are  game  through  an  innings  to  drive,  cut,  and  run, 

And  serenely  d-  fy  you  to  bowl  us !/' 

Old  Sol,  bless  his  beams,  is  the  cricketer's  friend, 
The  farmer  nay  wish  the  long  drought  at  an  erd, 

But  the  Bat,  who  at  spanking  and  run  shines, 
A  GBACB  or  an  ABEL,  a  STODDAET  or  BKOWW, 
Js  a  faithful  Sun-worshipper,  country  or  town ; 
For  the  score  will  go  up  as  the  sunbeams  come  down, 

And  your  Bat  must  "  make  hay  whilst  the  sun  shines." 

"  Make  hay— of  the  bowling  I  the  trundler  may  sigh. 
Ah  well,  so  he  will,  whilst  the  wickets  keep  dry ; 

But  wait  till '  Ju  Plu '  has  a  drench  at  'em ! 
Then  Ball  wttl  beat  Bat,  though  the  Bat  were  a  JUPP, 
Curly  ones  will  come  down  with  the  pace  of  a  KBUPP, 
Will  bump,  and  break  both  ways,  and  '  shoot,'  and  '  get  up 

Tilirthe  bravest  of  batsmen  will  blench  at  'em  1 

"  Old  Sol  and  the  GRACES  have  no  chance  at  all 
When  Jupiter  Pluvius  backs  up  the  Ball. 

But  sun  after  shower !    0,  J  ewellikins 
Then,  then  the  bright  hour  of  the  bowler  will  come ; 
Then  GBACE  and  the  Century ites  will  look  glum ; 
Then  :he  Bat '  bags  a  brace,'  and  had  better  go  home 

And  play  at  push- farthing,  or  spellikins  I " 

Well,  well,  the  brave  Ball  will  no  doubt  have  its  chance, 
Meanwhile,  how  the  pulse  of  the  Public  will  dance 
To  see  it  cut,  driven,  or  soaring  I 


A  "  boundary"  for  four  or  a  "  lifter  "  for  six, 
Whilst  "  the  Prince"  or  "  the  Champion"  keeps  up  his  sticks 
For  when  ball  after  ball  beats  a  slogger  for  nix, 
Even  Cricket,  all  bowling,  gets  boring. 

Sol,  take  him  all  round,  is  the  cricketer's  friend. 
Bat,  Bowler,  and  Public  agree  in  the  end, 

We  don't  want  much  wet  at  the  wicktt. 
And  GBACE  may  well  say,  with  his  big,  broad,  brown  g,rin. 
"  SmUe  away,  good  old  Sol  I    You  keep  out,  I  '11  keep  in  !  '' 
Then  the  "  Cornstalks  "  are  with  us  ;  to  give  them  a  spin 
We  want  sunshine, — not  sawdust,  chill  showers,  and  wet  skin. 
Here 's  Australia's  new  team !    May  the  best  always  win  I 

And  hooray  for  King  Sol  and  King  Cricket  1 


ONE  NEVER  KNOWS. 

SCEWE— Hansom  cab.     Outside,  two  large  portmanteaux.    Inside, 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  CAREFUL,  a  dressing-case,  and  a  big  bundle  of  rugs. 

Mrs.  Careful.  Off  at  last  I  Beally  I  thought  I  should  never  get 
those  trunks  packed,  you  would  insist  on  so  many  extra  things  being 
taken. 

Mr.  C.  My  dear,  I  told  you  we  might  make  a  longer  stay  than 
usual  this  time ;  so  that  it  was  best  to  be  amply  provided. 

Mrs.  C.  Well,  we've  got  tnough  to  last  us  two  good  mcnths 
anyway. 

Mr.  C.  (with  great  anxiety).  Did  you  put  in  those  tins  of  "  p em- 
mioan,"  the  biscuits,  the  ipirit-lamp,  and  the  beef  extract? 

Mrs.  C.  Yes,  dearest ;  and  I  do  hope  you  've  not  forgotten  about 
the  care  of  claret  and  the  soda  water. 

Mr.  C.  BKKJGS  is  to  meet  us  with  them  on  the  platform ;  he  also 
has  1  he  medicine  chest. 

Mrs.  C.  (vehemently).  Oh,  I  knew  I  'd  left  something  out ! — 
tel'grsm  fotms. 

Mr.  C.  Don't  worry.  I  told  BBIOGS  to  be  sure  to  include  them, 
with  writ'ng  n  ateiials,  in  my  "  Gladstone." 

Mrs.  C.  (much  relieved).  Oh,  then,  that's  all  right.  We've  got 
everything  we  can  possibly  need. 

N.B. — From  the  above  dialogue  it  might  reasonably  Ye  infe.'rad 
that  the  CABEFULS  are  starting  upon  a  t'ip  to  Thibet,  or  a  Polar 
Expedition.  Not  so.  They  are  mere'y  off  for  a  "turn"  on  the 
Great  Wheel,  with  the  exhilarating  chance  of  receiving  a  five-pound 
note  each  on  their  return  to  terra  firma, 


268 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JONE  6,  1896. 


THE    OLD    LOVE    AND   THE    NEW. 

"  For  0,  for  0,  the  hobby-horse  is  forgot ! " 

SCENE— The  Stables  at  Saddlesprings,  Me  WHEELERS'  Country  House 
near  Bykersall.  Miss  DIVA'S  Horse,  " Bayard"  discovered 
in  his  Stall. 

liayard(talking  to  himself,  as  is  the  habit  of  some  horses  when  alone}. 
I  can't  make  it  out.  She 's  here.  All  the  family  came  down  yester- 
day— I  heard  the  omnibus  start  for  the  station  to  meat  them.  And 
yet  she  hasn't  sent  for  me ;  hasn't  even  heen  near  me  I  She  always 

used  to  rush  in  here  and  kiss  me  o  a  the  nose  the  very  first She '  s 

ill— that 'sit  of  coune— sprained  her  fetlock  or  lomething.  If  she 
was  well,  she'd  have  had  me  saddled  as  soon  as  she'd  had  her 
moraine  feed,  and  we  'd  have  gone  for  a  canter  together  somewhere. 
. .  .  .  I  hope  ehe'll  get  well  soon.  I  'm  sick  of  heing  taken  ont  by 
the  stableman;  he's  so  dull  —  no  notion  of  conversation  beyond 
whistling !  Now,  Miss  DIANA  would  talk  to  me  the  whole  way. . . . 

Perhaps  her  hands  and  seat  might  have  been But  what  did  that 

matter?  I  liked  to  feel  she  was 
on  my  back,  I  liked  the  sound  of 
her  pretty  voice,  and  the  touch  of 
her  hand  when  she  patted  me 
after  her  ride.  ...  (He  pricks 
his  ears.)  Why,  that 's  her  voice 
outside  now !  She  's  all  right, 
after  all.  She 's  coming  in  to  see 
me !  .  .  .  I  knew  she  couldn't 
have  forgotten ! 

Miss  Diana's  Voice  (outside). 
Yes,  you  might  put  it  in  here 
for  the  present,  STT/BBS.  I  sup- 
pose it  will  be  quite  safe. 

Stubbs's  Voice.  Safe  enough, 
Miss,  there  's  plenty  o'  empty 
stalls  this  side.  Nothing  in  'ere 
just  now,  except 

Miss  J).'s  Voice.  Very  well, 
then.  Just  wipe  some  of  the  dust 
off  the  mud-guards,  because  I 
shall  want  it  again  after  lunch. 
And  mind  you  don't  scratch  the 
enamel  taking  it  in. 

Stubbs.  Very  good,  Miss.  I  '11 
be  keerful. 

\_Miss  DIANA'S  steps  die  away 
upon  the  cobbles. 

Bayard  (to  himself}.  She  's 
gone— without  even  asking  after 
me  I  What  has  she  been  out  in 
— a  bath  chair  ?  I  'm  sure  she 
must  be  ill. 

Stubbs  (to  the  bicycle,  as  he 
wheels  it  in).  'Ere,  steady  now, 
'old  up,  can't  ye  ?  And  don't  go 
a-scratchin'  my  enamel  with  that 
blarsted  near  pedal  o'  yourn. 
Blest  if  I  wouldn't  ruthei  rub 
down  arf  a  dozen  'unters  nor  one 
o'  these  yere  bloomin'  bi-oycles. 
I  know  where  I  urn  with  a  'orse ; 
but  these  'ere  little,  twisty, 

spidery  wheels Come  over,  will  ye.    I  '11  lean  ye  up  agen  'ere 

till  I  've  'ad  my  dinner. 

[He  places  the  machine  against  a  partition  next  to  "Bayard's" 
stall,  and  goes  out. 

Bayard  (to  himself,  as  he  inspects  his  neighbour  with  the  corner  of 
his  eye).  It 's  not  a  bath-chair ;  it 's  one  of  these  bicycles.  It  must 
be  a  sort  of  animal.  I  suppose,  or  STUBBS  wouldn't  have  spoken  to  it. 
1  should  like  to  ask  it  one  or  two  questions.  (He  gets  his  neck  over 
the  partition,  and  breathes  gently  through  his  nostrils  upon  the  handle- 
bars.) Excuse  me,  but  dp  you  understand  horse-language  at  all  ? 

The  Bicycle  (answering  by  a  succession  of  saddle-creaks}.  Per- 
fectly. I  m  a  kind  of  horse  myself,  I  believe,  only  immensely  improved, 
of  course.  Would  you  mind  not  breathing  on  my  handle-bars  like 
that  ?  it  tarnishes  the  plating  so.  The  saddle  is  the  seat  of  my  in- 
telligence, if  you  will  kindly  address  your  remarks  there. 

Bayard.  I  didn't  know.  I'm  sorry.  I  will  in  future.  I  don't 
creak  myself,  but  I  've  been  closely  connected  with  saddles  ever  since 
I  was  a  two-year  old,  so  I  can  follow  you  fairly  well.  Didn't  I  hear 
my  mistress's  voice  outside  just  now  ? 

The  Bicycle.  No;  my  mistress's,  Miss  DIANA'S.  I'd  just  taken 
her  out  for  a  short  spin— not  far,  only  fifteen  miles  or  so. 

Bayard.  Then,  she— she 's  quite  well  P 

The  Bicycle,  Thanks,  she 's  pedalling  pretty  strong  just  now. 
I  'm  going  out  with  her  again  this  afternoon. 


Bayard.  Again !  You  will  have  had  a  hard  day  of  it  altogether, 
then.  Bat  I  suppose  you'll  get  a  day  or  two's  rest  afterwards  ?  I 
know  1  should  want  it. 

The  Bicycle.  Bless  you,  I  never  want  rest.  Why,  I  've  been 
forty  miles  with  her,  and  come  home  without  clanking  a  link !  She 
was  knocked  up,  if  you  like— couldn't  go  out  for  days  I 

Bayard.  Ah,  she  was  never  knocked  up  after  riding  me  ! 

The  Bicycle.  Because— it's  no  fault  of  yours,  of  course,  but  the 
way  you 've  been  constructed — you  couldn't  go  far  enough  to  knock 
anybody  up.  And  she  doesn't  get  tired  now,  either.  I^m  not  the 
kind  of  bicycle  to  boast ;  but  I  've  often  heard  her  say  that  she  much 

S  refers  her  "  bike  "  (she  always  calls  me  her  "  bike  " — very  nice  and 
rinndly  of  her,  isn't  it  ?)  to  any  mere  horse. 
Bayard.  To  any  mere  horse  I    And  does  she — give  any  reasons  ? 
The  Bicycle.  Lots.    For  oae  thing,  she  says  she  feels  so  absolutely 
safe  on  me ;  she  knows  that,  whatever  she  meets,  I  shall  never  start, 
or  shy,  or  rear,  or  anything  of  that  sort. 

Bayard.  I  don't  remember  ever  playing  any  of  those  tricks  with 
her,  however  hard  she  pulled  the  curb. 

The  Bicycle.  Then  she  says  she 
never  has  to  consider  whether  any 
distance  will  be  too  much  for  me. 

Bayard.  As  for  that But 

the  longer  I  was  out  with  her, 
the  better  I  was  pleased;  she 
might  have  brought  me  home  as 
lame  as  a  tree  all  round,  and  / 
shouldn't  have  cared ! 

The  Bicycle.  Perhaps  not. 
But  she  would;  so  inconvenient, 
you  see.  Now  my  strong  point 
is,  I  can't  go  l»me  —  in  good 
hands,  of  course,  and  she  knows 
exactly  how  to  manage  me,  I  will 
eay  that  for  her ! 

Bayard.  Does  she  give  you 
carrots  or  sugar  after  a  ride  ? 
she  did  me. 

The  Bicycls  (with  a  creak  oj 
contempt).  Now  whit  do  you  sup- 
pose I  could  do  with  sugar  or  a 
carrot  if  I  had  it?  No,  a  drop 
or  two  of  oil  now  and  then  is  all 
I  take  in  the  way  of  sustenance. 
That  's  another  point  in  my 
favour,  I  cost  little  or  nothing  to 
keep.  Now,  your  oats  and  hay 
and  stuff,  I  daresay,  cost  more  in 
a  year  than  I  'm  worth  altogether ! 
Bayard.  I  must  admit  that 
you  have  the  advantage  of  me 
in  cheapness.  If  I  thought  the 

grudged  me  my  oats But  I'm 

afraid  I  couldn't  manage  on  a 
drop  or  two  of  oil. 

The  Bicycle.  You'd  want 
buckets  of  it  to  oil  your  bear- 
ings. No,  she  wouldn't  save  by 
that  I  (Stubbs  re-enters.)  Ah, 
here  comes  my  man.  I  must  be 
going ;  got  to  take  her  over  t  > 
Pineborough,  rather  a  bore  this 
dusty  weather,  but  when  a  lady 's  in  the  case,  eh? 

Bayard.  There's  a  nasty  hill  going  into  Pineborough;  do  be 
careful  how  you  take  her  down  it ! 

The  Bicycle.  You  forget,  my  friend,  I'm  not  a  Boneshaker,  I'm 
a  Safety.  Why,  she  '11  just  put  her  feet  up  on  the  rests,  fold  her 
arms,  and  leave  the  rest  to  me.  She  knows  I  can  be  trusted. 

Bayard.  Just  tell  me  this  before  you  go.  Does— she  doesn't  pat 
you,  or  kiss  you  on  your — er — handle-bar  after  a  run,  does  she  ? 

The  Bicycle  (turning  its  front  wheel  to  reply,  as  Stubbs  wheels  it 
out).  You  don't  imagine  I  should  stand  any  sentimental  rot  of  that 
sort,  do  you  ?  She  knows  better  than  to  try  it  on  I 

Bayard  (to  himself).  I  'm  glad  she  doesn't  kies  it.  I  don't  think 
I  could  have  stood  that ! 

SAME  SCENE.    SOME  HOURS  LATER. 

Stubbs  (enters,  carrying  a  dilapidated  machine  with  crumpled 
handles,  a  twisted  saddle,  and  a  front  wheel  distorted  into  an 
irregular  pentagon}.  Well,  I  'ope  as  'ow  this  '11  sarve  as  a  lesson  to 
'er,  I  dew ;  a  marcy  she  ain't  broke  her  blessed  little  neck !  (To  the 


entirely  owing  to  her  carelessness.    Never  put  the  biake  on  down 


JUNE  6,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


269 


that  infernal  hill,  lost  all  control  over  me, 
and  here  I  am,  a  wreck,  Sir  I  Why,  I  had 
to  he  driven  home,  by  a  grinning:  groom,  in  a 
beastly  dog-cart  1  Pleasant  that  I 

Bayard.  But  she— Miss  DIANA — was  she 
hart  r*  Not— not  seriously,  eh  ? 

The  Bicycle.  Oh,  of  course  you  don't  care 

what  becomes  of  me  so  long  as She 's  all 

right  enough— fell  in  a  ditch,  luckily  for  her, 
I  came  down  on  a  heap  of  stones.  It  '11  he 
weeks  before  I'm  out  of  the  repairer's  hands. 

Bayard  (to  himself).  I  oughtn't  to  he  glad; 
hut  I  am— I  am!  She's  safe,  and — and 
the '11  come  hack  to  me  after  this  I  (To  the 
Bicycle.)  "Wasn't  she  sorry  for  you  ? 

The  Bicycle.  Not  she  I  These  women  have 
no  feeling  in  them.  Why,  what  do  you  »up- 
pose  she  said  when  they  told  her  it  would  take 
weeks  to  tinker  me  up  ? 

Bayard  (to  himself —toith  joy).  I  think  I 
can  guess  I  (To  the  Bicycle. )  What  did  she 
say? 

The  Bicycle  (rattling  with  indignation). 
Why,  all  she  said  was :  "  How  tiresome  I  I 
wonder  if  I  can  hire  a  decent  hike  here  with- 
out having  to  send  to  town  for  one."  There 's 
gratitude  for  you !  But  you  can't  enter  into 
my  feelings  about  it. 

Bayard.  Pardon  me — I  fancy  I  can.  And, 
after  all,  your  day  will  come  again,  as  soon  as 
the  Yet  has  set  you  up.  Mine '  s  over  for  ever. 
(To  himself.)  Oh,  why,  why  wasn't  I  horn  a 
bicycle ! 

METEK  OF  GASLIGHT,  ATONE ! 

( ' '  Quis  custodiet  ipsos  custodes  ?  "     Who  'II 
mete  the  Meters?) 

f  In  a  recent  case  it  appeared  that  a  gas-meter 
had  registered  20,000  fett  too  much  gas  within 
one  quarter.] 

AIK — "  Meet  me  by  Moonlight  alone ! " 

METEK  of  gaslight,  atone  ! 

Of  your  cheats  we  could  tell  a  sad  tale. 
It  seems  that  remonstrance  alone 

To  Monopoly  will  not  avail. 
One  must  watch  the  sly  meter  instead, 

To  prove  what  its  "  registries  "  mean ; 
Or  'twill  turn  on  whilst  one  is  in  bed ; 

'Tis  the  trickiest  gauge  ever  seen. 
Ah  I    Meter  of  gaslight,  atone  I 

Gas-meters  may  do  for  the  gay, 

The  thoughtless,  who  're  all  £  s.  d. ; 
But  for  that  twenty  thousand  to  pay, 

Which  I  have  not  consumed,  won't  suit  me. 
Oh  I  Remember  a  meter 's  a  snare, 

And  though  dearly  your  gaslight  you  prize, 
Have  your  gas-meter  tested  with  care, 

And  perchance  it  may  open  your  eyes. 
So,  meter  of  gaslight,  atone. 


DOUBLE  DUTCH  A^D  EQUIVOCAL  ENGLISH. 
—England  says,  wittily,  that  "if  President 
KBUGEB  wanted  to  teach  us  Dutch,  he  ought 
to  begin  with  short  sentences"  Yes,  but  OOM 
PAUL  may  perhaps  retort  that,  if  the  Out- 
landers  want*  d  to  teach  him  "  plain  English," 
they  ought  not  to  have  begun  with  mysterious 
cyphers  and  obscure  cryptograms. 


OMINOUS  FOR  THE  UNIONIST  CAUSE.— The 
Liberal  candidate  for  the  Wick  Burghs  is 
Mr.  HEDDEBWICK — doubtless  a  luminary, 
who  intends  to  plunge  into  Parliament. 


THE  DIFFERENCE  BETWEEN  A  FINANCIER 
AND  A  ROWING  MAN.— One  feathers  his  nest, 
the  other  his  oar. 

PAINFUL  REMINDER  ON  THE  OAKS  DAT. — 
A  corn. 


HOSPITALITY. 

Spokesman  oj    Working  Men's  Club  (on  the  occasion  of  their  Patron's  first  visit).  "AND  WK 

*OPBS,  SlK    AS  THIS  *LL  BB  XBITHSK  THB  FIRST  NOK  THB  LAST  TIME  AS  YOU  'LL  DBW  US  THB 
HONNBK  OF  SBTTIN'  AMOKG  US  1  " 


OBSTRUCTION  IN  EXCELSIS. 
(A  Moan  at  a  May  Meeting.) 

THE  modern  maid  to  the  meeting 's  gone, 
With  a  hat  like  the  Eiffel  Tower ; 

With  various  species  of  fruit  thereon, 
And  every  description  of  flower. 

Alas  that  a  lady  should  crown  her  head 

With  a  Babel  tower  plus  a  garden  bed ! 

It  looks  like  a  city  o'ercrowded  with  spires, 

In  a  forest  o'ercrowded  by  trees, 
And  one's  neck  with  continual  shifting  tires, 

But  'tis  precious  little  one  sees. ' 
With  bows,  and  blossoms,  and  grasses  'tis 

filled, 

And  the  fowls  of  the  air  in  its  branches 
might  build. 

If  you  took  an  ait  from  the  reedy  Thames, 
And  piled  Covent  Garden  thereon, 


You  would  have  some  idea  of  modern  dames, 

When  they  to  the  meeting  have  gone. 
Obstruction  in  Parliament  ?    Lor',  what  is 

that 
To  a  modern  maid  in.  a  May  Meeting  hat  ? 


R.  I.  P. 

t"  The  steam-packets  Samphire  and  Breeze  have 
been  put  out  of  the  Dover  and  Calais  service,  and 
sent  to  Tilbury."] 

GONE  to  their  resting  place ! 

And  oh !  soon  may  their  grave 
Be  found  to  grant  a  little  space 
Wherein  to  stow  the  Wave  ! 
And  we  our  chance  of  being  ill  bury 
In  dock-yard  grave  with  them  at  Tilbury. 


"  BARBED  WIRE."— An  insulting  telegram. 


270 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JONE  6,  189o, 


BALL-ROOM    WHISPERS. 

Archie.  "  BKBTIK,  SHALL  I  INTRODUCE  YOU  TO  Miss  CHOLMOWDKLBY-MAINWABIN',  THIT  ALGY 's  TALKIN'  TO? 

CAPITAL  SHOOTIN'  1 " 


GlRL— AND 


CONSULTING  THE  ORACLE. 

(A  DIALOGUE  ON  THE  DEUHF.) 
Interlocutors,  Mr.'  PUNCH  and  a  Pretty  Girl. 

Mr.  P.  Going  down  to  the  Derby,  my  dear  ? 

Miss  P.  G.  (with  emphasis).  You  bet,  Mr.  Punch .' 

Mr.  P.  Never,  my  dear ;  not  even  on  you  ! 

Miss  P.  Q.  Oh !  I  meant  "  you  bet "  in  the  American  sense,  you 
know ;  not  as  a  charge  against  you  !  you  dear,  punctilious  old  thing! 
But  really,  now,  do  you  never,  NEVER,  NEVER  have  a  bit  on  ? 

Mr.  P.  I  never  have  a  bet  on,  if  that  is  what  you  mean. 

Miss  P.  G.  WhyP  Are  you  a  membar  of  the  Anti-Gambling 
League  F 

Mr.  P.  No  I  I  never  bet,— save,  perchance,  a  few  gloves  with  a 
pretty  girl  like  yourself,— because  if  I  did  I  should  always  win,  and 
that  is  not  "  sport,"  you  know. 

Miss  P.  G.  Oh,  isn't  it  though  P    Just  the  sport  I  like ! 

Mr.  P.  Naturally  1  And,  therefore,  I  'Jl  have  a  dozen  pairs  with 
you  on 

Miss  P.  G.  (eagerly).  Ah  I  on  what,  Mr.  Punch  ? 

Mr.  P.  (astutely).  Oh,  on  any  horse  you  like  1 

Miss  P.  G.  (pettishly).  Oh,  bother!  (Coaxingly.)  I  dt  to'want  a 
tip,  you  know,  dear  old  thing. 

Mr.  P.  You  have  one,  my  dear;  a  very  pretty  Tennysonian, 
"tilted "one,  too! 

Miss  P.  G.  (austerely).  I  am  sure.  Sir,  my  tip  is  not  tilted  at  all, 
but  just  as  straight  as— well,  as  I  trust  yours  will  be.  (Purrs 
persuasively.)  Mr.  P.  Slyboots  I 

Miss  P.  G.  No,  but  really  now,  entre  nous,  and  in  perfect  con- 
fidence, can  I  safely  back  Persimmon  f  1  do  so  want  the  dear 
Prince  to  win !  Don't  you  f 

Mr.  P.  Look  at  my  iJig  Cat,  and  see  for  yourself,  Miss  CLEVEK. 

Miss  P.  G.  (demurely).  Not  as  clever  as  you  are,  I  am  sorry  to 

y.    And  that 's  why  I  come  to  you  for  advice. 

Mr.  P.  I  '11  give  it  you,  in  verse  :— 

When  lovely  woman  stoops  to  folly, 
And  finds  too  late  that "  tips  "  betray, 


say. 


To  do  the  square  thing  and  look  jolly, 
The  sportsmanlike  thing  is— to  pay  ! 

Miss  P.  G.  Oh  bother!  That's  only  just  whit  ALGY  says— in 
prose— viz.,  "  Pay  up  and  look  pleasant  1 " 

Mr.  P.  ( politely).  The  latter  you  must  always  do  I 

Miss  P.  G.  Thank  vou— for  nothing  I  At  present,  Mr.  P.,  I  am 
fishing  for  valuable  "Mips,"  not  cheap  compliments. 

Mr.  P.  (genially).  Very  smart,  indeed,  Miss.    You  deserve 

Miss  P.  G.  (eagerly).  What  ? 

Mr.  P.  (gravely).  My  bast  advice. 

Miss  P.  G.  And  that  isP Mr.  P.  Back 

Miss  P.  G.  (excitedly).  Yes— yes— yes  P       Mr.  P.  Nothing !  1 1 

Miss  P.  G.   Oh,  you  aggravating Well,  well,  I  dare  say 

you're  quite  right,  and  I'll  really  think  over  your  counsel— next 
year.  This  year  1  have  made  quite  a  book  on  the  Blue  Riband, 
inspired  largely  by  loyalty,  I  do  assure  you,  and  I  do  want  the  aid  of 
your  unerring  judgment. 

Mr.  P.  Artful  little  flatterer !  Well,  well,  if  you  '11  promise  me 
never  to  "  make  a  book,"  as  you  call  it,  any  more,  I  '11  do  my  best  to 
help  you  square  the  present  one. 

Miss  P.  G.  (triumphantly).  Oh,  thanks— thanks — thanks,  so  much  1 
you  sweet  old  darling  1  And  what  shall  I  do  about  Persimmon  ? 

Mr.  P.  Well,  you've  read  about  those  Oatlander  cyphers? 

Miss  P.  G.  (dubiously).  Why,  ye— e — es,  of  course.  But  what  have 
dear  Doctor  JIM  and  those  horrid  Boers  to  do  with  the  Prince  and 
Persimmon  f 

Mr.  P.  Not  much,  perhaps.  But  there 's  a  deal  of  talk  about 
cryptographs  and  other  secret  writing  just  now.  And  my  advice  to 
you  concerning  the  latter  and  your  little  "book"  is  couched  in  the 
key-phraee : 

BLACK  PRINCE  MINUS  ONE! 

Miss  P.  G.  Oh,  but  that  is  so  mysterious  ! 

Mr.  P.  Ail  oracles  are.  And  yon  consulted  me  as  an  Oracle,  you 
know.  Au  revoir,  my  dear  !  Meet  you  at  Epsom,  and— I  wish  you 
luck  I— better  luck  than  "  dear  D;ctor  JIM'S  "  I  {.Exit. 

[Private  Key  to  Cryptogram. — "Black  Prince,"  minus  one  letter,  may 
read  either  ''Back  Prince  "  or  " Lack  Prince."] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.- JUNE  6,  1896. 


A  DERBY  FAVOURITE. 


MR.  PUNCH  (to  H.R.H.  THE  PR-NCE  OF  W-L-S,  owner  o/"  Persimmon"}.  "YOU'RE  A  GOOD  SPORTSMAN,   SIR,— AND  I 

WISH  YOU  LUCK  ON  YOUR  FIRST  *  DERBY  '." 


JUNE  6,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


273 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

AN  OLD  ETONIAN  MUSES  IN  UPPEB  SCHOOL 
ON  THE  FOURTH  OF  JUNE. 

BENEATH  the -busts  of  Fox  and  PITT 

In  Upper  School  the  youths  declaim 
The  lines  of  statesman,  poet,  wit, 

Who  little  recked  of  schoolboy  fame. 
None  ever  deemed  his  transient  voice 

"Would  live  to  kindle  boyish  fire. 
But  even  PORSON  would  rejoice 

To  know  that  Greek  could  lads  inspire  I 

The  old  dead  languages  revive, 

E'en,  spoken  with  our  "  foreign  twang," 
And  French  and  German  seem  to  thrive 

Where  GRAY  and  SHELLEY  thought  and 

sang; 
Where  WELLINGTON  his  battles  won 

Before  his  jacket  turned  to  "  tails," 
And  GLADSTONE  burned  for  many  a  eon 

The  Eton  light  that  never  fails. 


Where  ROSEBERY  and  BALFOUR  too 

Authoritative  rules  would  mock, 
And  earned,  as  stripling  traitors  do, 

Meet  expiation  on  the  block. 
Those  panels  scored  with  inwrought  names 

Ate  tribute  to  Etonians  past, 
Who,  at  "  my  tutor's  "  or  "  my  dame's," 

Gave  not  a  thought  to  names  that  last  I 

I  hardly  hear  the  speeches  made, 

Can  scarce  the  "  Head  "  or  AINGER  see. 
My  memory  needs  not  their  aid, 

My  speech  unheard  is  one  for  me  I 
I  think  how  in  this  dear  old  school 

I  longed  lo  test  the  unforeseen. 
But  now  I  know  I  was  a  fool, 

And  only  mourn  what  might  have  teen  I 

I  see  you  sitting  open-eyed — 

The  sun  entangled  in  yoar  hair ; 
You  looktd  a  dainty  little  bride, 

So  wondrous  white,  so  purely  fair. 
Precocious  youngster  I    How  I  wished 

Our  lives  we  could  together  tune ! 
For    you   I    "absence"    shirked. 

"swished," 
elt  love-lorn  on  the  Fifth  of  June  I 


Tkea, 


DEFINITION  or  THE  STABT  FOR  THE  DERBY. 
— Sent  from  Coventry. 


NECK  OR  NOTHING  I 

(By  an  Old  fogey,  after  a  course  of  Fashion 
Plates.) 

OH,  ladies !  of  loveliness  little  you  reck ! 

Most  fair  is  the  feminine  throttle ; 
But  Fashion  now  packs  up  the  daintiest  neck 

Till  it  looks  like  the  neck  of  a  bottle. 
Destructive  of  shape,  of  sweet  curve,  of  soft 

nape, 
Are   those   wheel-frills  —  away   let  them 

trundle  I 
And  what  lover  can  doat  on  a  fair  female 

throat, 

Tied  up  at  the  back  like  a  bundle  ? 
La  Mode  does  its  worst  woman's  beauty  to  blur, 

To  cramp,  or  distort,  or  enlarge  her. 
Now,  a  nice  neck  and  head  swathed  in  stiff 

frills  or  fur 
Look  too   much  like   St.  JOHN'S  "on  a 

charger." 
"A  neck  like  a  swan,"  made  for  gazing  upon, 

Was  a  beauty  in  sweet  Annie  Laurie  ; 
But  when  modish  pride  would  disfigure  or  hide 
Woman's  throat,  every  man  must  feel  sorry. 


WHAT  IT  WILL  COME  TO. 

THE  man  in  front  of  the  bookstall  was 
quiescent.  "  But  I  assure  you,  Sir,"  repeated 
the  attendant,  "  that  this  paper  contains  the 
latest  news  and  the  best  written  articles.  It 
has  correspondents  in  every  part  of  the  world, 
and  its  information  is  at  once  unique  and 
reliable." 

"  But  how  about  the  city  intelligence  and 
the  sporting  ?  " 

"Prophets  of  the  most  wonderful  sagacity 
and  success  are  in  command,  and  have  made 
the  fortunes  of  thousands  of  readers." 

"And  Literature,  Music,  Art,  and  the 
Drama?" 

4 '  The  very  best  critics  give  their  finest  work 
to  the  consideration  of  the  subjects  to  whieh 
you  refer." 

The  man  in  front  of  the  bookstall  wavered. 

"  Is  it  a  large  paper  ?  "  he  asked. 

"  A  very  large  one,"  was  the  reply,  "  but 
in  a  most  convenient  shape.  You  see  it  con- 
tains not  only  the  news  of  the  day,  but  all  the 
best  features  of  a  magazine,  and  a  cyclopedia." 

"But  considering  present  prices  in  jour- 
nalism, it  is  very  expensive." 

"  My  dear  sir,"  said  the  attendant,  "  I  see 
it  is  best  to  be  frank  with  you.  I  admit  that 
it  is  not  cheap.  But  look  at  the  quantity  and 
quality !  Surely  it  is  worth  the  money  r  " 

' '  Well,  I  suppose  it  is,"  returned  the  man  in 
front  of  the  book-stall,  and  without  more  ado 
he  paid  the  necessary— farthing  ! 


MANY  HAPPY  RETURNS. 

To  know  the  day — your  birthday,  dear — 
Was  my  desire,  that  once  a  year 
Something  for  certain  I  might  know 

Of  you  when  far  away. 
But  calm  reflection  tends  to  show 
'I was  folly  to  have  wanted  so 

To  know  the  day  I 

Because  all  days,  where'er  I  go, 

You  know — they  say  maids  always  know- 

I  think  of  you  morn,  noon,  and  night, 

In  moods  both  grave  and  gay. 
Could  I  do  more  if  some  kind  sprite 
Gave  me  the  boon,  the  great  delight, 

To  know  the  day  ? 

And  yet  to-day  with  phrases  trite, 
But  still  with  all  my  heart,  I  write, 
Snatching  a  moment  from  my  work, 

To  wish  you  joy  alway, 
Because— the  truth  I  will  not  shirk — 
Because— I  've  found  you  out  in  Burke, 

And  know  the  day  I 


"BE  MERRY  AND  WISE!" 

A  NIGHT  OUT,  thoroughly  farcical  comedy, 
at  the  Vaudeville,  most  adroitly  adapted  (by 
somebody  whose  name  isn't  mentioned  in  the 
bill — why  ?)  from  L1  Hotel  du  Libre-echange, 
is,  as  the  public  has  already  discovered,  one 
of  the  funniest  and  most  mirth-provoking 
pieces  that  has 
been  seen  in  Lon- 
don for  some 
years.  Time  was, 
when,  it  is  not 
improbable,  the 
Licenser  of  Plays 
would  have  re- 
fused his  permis- 
sion for  the  per- 
formance of  this 
farce  as  we  now 
see  it.  Mais,  on 
a  change  tout  cela, 
and  that  very 
large  portion  of 
theatre-goers, 
who  dearly  love 
a  laugh,  is  fast  a, 
becoming  (some  of  ..  ^, 
the  stricter  sort  "Ingoing to 
would  finish  the 
sentence  here,  and  reverse  the  words,  so  that 
they  should  read  "becoming  fast")  tempo- 
rarily attache!  to  the  light,  airy,  and  utterly 
farcical  plays,  which  are  genuine  pass-times, 
if  only  they  be  irresistibly  amusing,  sending 
away  the  audiences  feeling  as  satisfied  as 
were  the  spectators  of  the  plays  during  the 
period  of  the  Restoration,  when  they  looked 
on  the  actors  as  puppets,  who  had  "neither 
souls  to  be  saved  nor  bodies  to  be  punished." 
Honni  soit  qui  mal  y  pense,  and  who  is  there 
but  will  thoroughly  enjoy  A  Night  Out,  in 
company  with  Messrs.  GIDDENS,  SUGDEN,  and 
WILLIAM  WYES,  assisted  by  bright  Miss 
FANNIE  WARD,  earnest  Mrs.  EDMUND  PHELPS, 
sprightly  Miss  PATTTE  BROWNE,  and  the  four 
charming  daughters,  in  irreproachable  robes 
du  soir,  of  the  Notary  Matthieu  f 

The  scene  in  France-yin  what  department 
is  not  mentioned — is  still  retained  as  in  the 
original,  though  it  would  have  been  perfectly 
easy  to  have  made  all  the  characters  English, 
and  to  have  localised  it  in  suburban  London. 
It  is  admirably  acted ;  the  earnestness  of  Mr. 
SUGDEN  and  of  Mrs.  EDMUND  PHELPS  being 
in  telling  contrast  to  the  light-hear tedness  of 
the  two  culprits,  Mr.  GEORGE  GIDDENS  and 
Miss  FANNIE  WARD.  The  studious  nephew, 
who,  of  course,  as  is  the  rule  in  French  farces, 
falls  into  the  hands  of  the  tempting  cham- 
bermaid, Misa  PATTCE  BROWNE,  is  capitally 
played  by  Mr.  AUBREY  FITZGERALD  ;  and,  to 
sum  up,  those  who  want  to  thoroughly  enjoy 
an  "Evening  from  Home"  cannot  do  better 
than  go  to  the  Vaudeville,  and  there  be  con- 
vulsed by  the  humours  of  A  Night  Out. 


A  CORRECT  MISPRINT. — The  Daily  News  of 
Thursday,  May  28,  in  its  account  of  Sir  HENRY 
IRVING' s  return  to  England,  mentioned,  as  his 
"  private  secretary  and  manager,"  the  name  of 
"  Mr.  BRAIN  STOKER,"  meaning  "  Mr.  BRAM 
STOKER."  But  "  Brain  "  is  good :  without  it. 
where  and  what  would  BRAM  STOKER  be? 
Certainly  not  Sir  HENRY'S  private  secretary 
and  manager,  and  still  less  the  author  of 
several  charming  short  stories. 

PASsxtf0XR(in  Parliamentary  Train,  which 
has  stopped  for  over  an  hour  on  a  siding). 
"  Hi,  Guard  I  Are  we  on  the  Big  Wheel  T™ 

MOTTO  FOB  THE  HOME  FOR  CATS  AT  HAMP- 
STEAD. — La  joiefait  PURR. 


274 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


[JUNE  6,  1896. 


:THIS  IS  THE  MAN'TIMI 
SAT  m  TEE  PLANs  THAT"! 
LED  T©  THE  RAHMTTHAT  —z 

M 


A    REJECTED    DESIGN    FOR   THE    KRUGER   STATUE    AT    PRETORIA 

(By  Our  Own  insufferable  Boer.) 


JUNE  6,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


275 


BROKEN  ON  THE  WHEEL. 

First  Lesson. — Held  on  by 
instructor,  a  tall,  muscular 
young  man.  Thought  it  was 
so  easy.  Cling  for  dear  life  to 
handle,  as  beginners  in  horse- 
manship cling  to  the  reins. 
Instructor  says  I  must  not. 
Evidently  cannot  hold  on  by 
my  knees.  Ask  him  what  I 
am  to 'hold  on  by.  "No- 
thing,"ihe  says.  How  awful ! 
Feel  suspended  in  the  air.  That 
is  what  I  ought  to  be.  At  pre- 
sent am  more  on  ground ;  any- 
way, one  foot  down.  Even 
when  in  movement  position  of 
feet  uncertain.  Go  a  few 
yards,  supported.  Muscular 
instructor  rather  hot  and  tired, 
but  says  civilly,  "You  're get- 
ting on  nicely,  Sir."  At  this 
get  off  unexpectedly,  and, 
when  I  am  picked  up,  reply, 
"very  likely,"  only  my  feet 
were  off  the  pedals  all  the  time. 
Then  rest,  and  watch  little  chil- 
dren riding  e  asily.  One  pretty 
girl.  Wonder  whether  she 
laughed  at  me.  Probably. 
Shall  have  another  try. 

Second  Lesson.  —  Held  on 
by  another  instructor,  who 
urges  me  "to  put  more  life 
into  it."  Hope  it  won't  be  the 
death  of  me.  Work  in  a  manner 
which  even  the  treadmill,  I 
imagine,  could  not  necessi- 
tate, and  get  the  wheel  round 
a  few  times.  Painful  whob- 
bling.  Instructor  says  I  must 
pedal  more  quickly.  Can't. 
Rest  a  minute.  Panting. 
Awfully  hot.  Observe  little 
children  going  round  com- 
fortably. Pretty  girl  here 
again,  looking  as  fresh  and 
cool  as  possible.  Suddenly 
manage  to  ride  three  yards 
unsupported.  Then  collapse 
But  am  progressing.  Shall 
come  again  soon. 


BIRTHDAY   HONOURS. 

Mr.  Smith.  "I  WISH  PARTICULARLY  TO  SEE  ME.  Jours— I  MEAN  SIR 
,1  AMES  JONES.    Is  HK  IN  ? " 
Junior  Partner.  "HE'S  not  IN  JDST  NOW,  MB.  SMITH.    BUT  nr  IT'S  TO 

LEAVJS  ANY    MESSAGE    OF    OONOBATULATION,    I    SHALL    BE    VERT    HATTY  TO 
DELIVEB  IT." 

Mr.  Smith.  "YES.  PLEASE  SAY  THAT  I'M  NOT  ASTONISHSD  THAT  SIB 
JAMES  HAS  SUCCEEDED.  JUST  LOOK  AT  THIS  DIRTY  OLD  HAT  THAT  HE 
LEFT  AT  THE  CLUB  IN  THE  PLACE  OF  MY  BRAND-NEW  ONE  I  " 


Third  Lesson. — Endeavour 
to  get  on  alone.  Immediately 
get  off  on  other  ride.  Nearly 
upset  the  pretty  girl.  Polite 
self  -  effacement  impossible 
when  one  is  at  the  mercy  of 
a  mere  machine.  After  a 
time  manage  better.  And  at 
last  get  started  and  ride  alone 
for  short  distances.  Always 
tumble  off  ignominiously  just 
as  I  meet  the  pretty  girl.  In- 
structor urges  me  to  break  the 
record.  Hope  I  shan't  break 
my  neck.  Finally  go  all  round 
the  ground.  Triumph!  Pretty 
girl  seems  less  incline  1  to 
laugh.  Delightful  exercise, 
bicycle  riding  1  Shall  come 
again  to-morrow. 

Fourth  Lesson.  —  High 
north-east  wind.  Hot  sun. 
Regular  May  weather.  Clouds 
of  coal-dust  from  track.  Pretty 
girl  not  there  at  all.  Start 
confidently.  Endeavour  to 
knock  down  a  wall.  Wall 
does  not  suffer  much.  Start 
again.  Faster  this  time.  The 
pretty  girl  has  just  come. 
Will  show  what  I  can  do  now. 
Career  over  large  hole.  Bicycle 
sinks,  and  then  takes  a  mighty 
leap.  Unprepared  for  this. 
Am  oast  into  the  air.  Picked 
up.  Can't  stand.  Something 
broken.  Doctor  will  say  what. 
Anyhow,  clothes  torn,  bruised, 
disheartened.  Dare  not  catch 
the  eye  of  pretty  girl.  Carried 
home.  Shall  give  up  bicycle 
riding.  Awful  fag,  and  no  fun. 


VIVE  IE  PRINCE  I  —  The 
Prince  of  WALES  runs  a  colt 
called  Safety  Pin,  which  seems 
likely  to  be  connected  with  a 
good  deal  of  scratching  tbis 
season.  But  fl. R. H.  also  owns 
another  animal  in  who«e  ap- 
pellation the  letters  P.  I.  X.  also 
appear.  Snaff.  et  curb.  sap. 


THE  DERBY  A  PEW  YEABS  HENCE. 

(By  our  Prophetic  Eeporter.) 

"  ARE  we  not  fortunate  in  having  so  fine  a  morning  P  "  exclaim  ( d 
the  hunter.  "  You  are  lucky,  my  friend,  to  see  our  national  pastime 
at  its  best  I " 

"  I  have  often  heard  of  it,"  returned  the  Arab.  "  And  it  is  to 
much  better  arranged  nowadays  than  in 
the  times  of  long  ago." 

"  Well,  yes,"  was  the  response.  "  The 
course  is  got  over  quicker  than  when  we 
took  it  in  hand  ;  or,  to  be  more  comet, 
I  should  say  in  legs.    A  century  since 
it  was  very  popular  with  the  Yahoos." 
"  And  they  never  come  now  ?  " 
"  No,  they  have  given  up  the  grand 
ttand,  the  hill,  everything— save  the 
course — to  us." 

"But  why  do  they  middle  with 
the  course?"  asked  the  intelligent 
foreigner. 

"Because,  my  dear  fellow,"  replied 
his    friend,    "the  machines   require 
jockeys  as  much  as  we  did.    In  fact, 
even  more,  because,  you  tee,  we  had 
intelligence,  and  did  not  work  by  machinery." 

At  this  moment  there  was  much  neighing,  and  a  good  deal  of  horse 
liughter.  It  was  evident  that  the  great  trial  of  speed  was  on  the 
eve_of  being  contested.  Epsom  Downs  bathed  in  the  sunshine  was 
a  sight  to  see.  Masses  of  hay  and  oats  were  spread  in  profusion, 
shortly  to  be  discussed  at  luncheon  after  the  race  had  been  decided. 


At  last  there  was  a  hush.  Every  horse,  every  pony,  every  donkey 
showed  intense  interest. 

"  They  come  I    They  come  I "  was  the  cry. 

Then  the  machines,  some  of  them  propelled  by  steam  power,  others 
by  paraftme.  and  others  by  electricity,  appeared  in  sight.  They 
passed  rapidly,  like  a  flash  of  lightning,  and  reached  the  judge's  seat. 
In  a  moment  more  the  numbers  were  up,  and  the  event  was  a  thing 
of  the  past. 

The  Derby  Motor  of  19—  had  been  lo&t  and  won!  And,  this 
being  so,  the  four-footed  multitude,  that  had  been  doing  nothing  in 
particular  for  the  last  six  hours  but  eating,  shouting,  and  betting, 
returned,  more  or  less  contentedly,  to  their  stables. 


A  NEW  TIP  FOR  AN  OLD  TALE. 

SIR, — In  reply  to  your  application  for  the  name  of  the  winner  of 
the  Derby,  I  beg  to  submit  the  annexed  tip,  which  is  about  the  best 
point  to  the  required  cue  that  it  has  ever  been  my  privilege  to  furnish. 
Trusting  that  your  readers  and  yourself  will  not  fail  to  act  in  the 
customary  way,  and  cheque  a  portion  of  their  takings  to  the  old 
prophet,  I  am,  Sir,  yours  confidently,  DARBY  JONES. 

N.B.— You  will  notice  that  on  these  lines  I  have  hung  several 
hooks — 

If  the  Derby  by  Saint  be  not  won, 
By  Old  Nick  he  will  surely  be  done, 
But  do  not  forget 
That  there  may  be  regret 
When  American  fruit 's  on  the  run. 


THE  DIFFERENCE  BETWEEN  ARMENIA  AND  CRETE.— Fleet  action. 


276 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


K  6,  1896. 


MEDIAEVAL  ITALIAN  DOG  MUZZLE. 
(.From  a  Mural  Tablet.) 


;hree,  as  they  are  all  and  every  one  of  them  fine  specimens  of  the 
>est  traditions  of  the  British  Turf.  And  mind  you  nowadays  it 's 
lot  all  "  rara  avis  in  terris,"  which,  by  the  way,  must  not  be  con- 
founded with  the  talented  gentleman  who  appears  nightly  at  the 
A.delphi  in  One  of  the  Best. 

And  having  now  said  enough  to  show  my  preference,  my  fancy,  I 
nek  out  the  winner.    I  give  you  "  one,  two,  three,"  BO  that  if  you 
don't  secure  the  absolute  first,  you  can  at  any  rate  come  safe  home 
with  a  place.    Without  farther  circumlocution  or  additional  procrast- 
ination, I  plump  for — 

THE  FIELD, 

and  have  no  hesitation  as  to  the  result.  And  now,  please,  print  my 
name— sounding  the  second  "  i "  short  for  special  identification. 

IXION,  THE  WHEELEB. 


OUR  SPECIALLY  RECOMMENDED  SELECTION  FOR  THE  DERBY. 

(By  a  New  Hand. ) 

I  AM  glad,  Sir,  you  decided  to  move  with  the  times,  and  deputed 
me  to  give  you  and  your  numberless  readers  a  real  genuine  put- 

Sir-last-dollar-cn-it  prophecy  on  the  event  of  the  sportive  year, 
d  having  placed  this  confidence  in  my  knowing-it- all-beforehand 
powers,  I  would  not  think  of  deceiving  you.  No,  Sir,  I  would  not 
descend  to  talking  like  some  of  the  ignorant  tipsters  of  the  go-called 
racing  papers,  of  "  Old  Solis,"  or  "  Ja  Plu,"  or  "  'Appy  o'Polly  who 
drives  the  Fee  'Bus."  If  I  had  to  ascend  to  classical  particulars,  I 
would  remind  you  that  the  circus  of  the  ancients  was  composed  of 
the  "  cavea,"  the  "  sm'na,"  and  some  cypress  tree*,  called  by  the 
good  old  sportsmen  of  those  distant  days  the  "  matte,"  or  goals.  I 
would  suggest  that  "ara"  or  eggs  were  put  up  or  down  as  each 
charioteer  completed  a  "lap,"  in  honour  of  those  genuine  contest- 
loving  Johnnies  dear  old  Castor  and  good  old  Pollux.  I  could  write 
yards  more  in  this  line,  if  you  could  not  get  for  yourself  the  whole 
bag  of  tricks— as  I  did— at  firat  hand  from  Dr.  Smith's  Smaller 
Dictionary  of  Antiquities. 

So  leaving  the  classics— the  pure  gold  of  my  book-shelves,  and  the 
spurious  imitation  of  the  ignorant  tipsters  of  the  so-called  rating 
papers — I  come  to  modern  times.  You  want  to  know  who  is  to  win  the 
event  which  has  been  very  properly  called  "  The  Blue  Riband  of  the 
Turf."  And  in  these  days  of  Stock  Exchange  surprises,  of  South 
African  flumps,  and  cycle  booms,  when  you  scarcely  know  where  you 
are  or  what  you  are  doing,  it  is  refreshing  to  get  away  from  the 
heated  atmosphere  of  Capel  Court  to  inhale  the  hawthorn-scented 
breezes  of  Epsom  Downs.  And  if  you  should  be  able  to  make  a  few 
pounds  before  "  going  home  to  tea,"  like  the  faithful  mariner  whose 
"heart  was  true  to  Poll,"  why  shouldn't  you?  In  these  precious 
hard  times,  when  you  have  to  pay  five-and-tixpenoe  in  the  pound  as 
rates,  and  the  same  old  "  eightpence  "  for  income-tax,  why,  I  repeat, 
why  shouldn't  you  F 

So  I  contend  he  who  can  pick  out  the  absolute  winner  before  it 's 
printed  on  world-renowned  "Correct  Card"  is  a  public  benefactor. 
And,  beforehand,  let  it  be  known  I  don't  want  a  statue.  No,  not  even 
if  it  could  be  done  as  old  HOKACK  hath  it,  "  as  easily  as  the  nimble  nine 
dupondii,"  by  saying  that  the  effigy  alleged  to  be  the  late  JOHN 
BBIGHT  in  the  Lobby  of  the  Houee  of  Commons  was  in  reality 
intended  for  me.  No,  Sir,  and  ladies  and  gentleman  all,  don't  insull 
me  with  statues,  but  send  to  me— as  a  mark  of  respect  and  persona 
goodwill— a  small  percentage  of  your  winnings.  However  small  a 
sum  it  is  I  shall  be  pleased,  as  it  will  be  a  token  to  me  that  I  have 
given  pleasure  to  others. 

And  now  comes  the  momentous  question — who  is  to  win  ?  I  can 
tell  you,  and  I  am  not  going  to  beat  about  the  bush,  as  some  of  the 
ignorant  tipsters  of  the  so-called  racing  papers  do  by  saying  in  one 
line  what  they  unsay  in  the  next.  What  is  the  use  of  becoming 
invidious  by  particularising  ?  When  all  the  horses  are  good,  why 
pick  out  the  flower  of  the  flock  ?  If  I  did,  I  would  be  sure  to  hurt 
someone's  feelings.  It  may  be  a  certainty  for  the  Prince,  or  the 
Duke,  or  the  Baron.  It  'a  a  pity  it  can't  be  as  sure  as  nails  for  the 


"  Cavalleria  Rusticana." 


OPERATIC    NOTES. 

Whit  Monday.— The  two  DE  B.ESZKES,  with  all  their  wits  about 
hem,  appear,  JOHN  as  Faust,  and  EDWABD  as  Mephistopheles.  The 
alter,  refraining  from  indulgence  in 
hat  sort  of  humour  which  formerly 
made  his  Mephisto  a  "  devilish  amusing 
fellow,  dontcherknow,"  is  now  more  sa- 
turnine and  satirical.  Prefer  his  first 
reading,  as  more  in  character  with  the 
mocking  fiend  who  wishes  his  victim  to 
kave  a  short  life,  but  a  merry  one. 
Mephisto  enters  into  the  game  as  "the 
joker."  He  used  to  cower  and  snarl  only 
when  interfered  with  by  objectionable 
persons  with  cross-handled  swords ;  other- 
wise he  was  a  jovial,  cynical  companion, 
full  of  impish  practical  jokes.  MAQGIK 
MAC-INTIBELY  good  as  Marguerite  ;  fresh 
as  a  daisy,  and  sad  as  a  lack-a-daitioal 
prima  donna  should  be  when  she  has  come 
to  grief.  Opera  in  French.  That  accom- 
plished M.A.,  or  Mi  stress  of  Arts,  Madame 
BAUEBMEISTEB,  good  as  ever,  if  not  better 
than  ever,  in  character  of  gay  young  thing 
Martha.  Holiday  House  crowded,  though 
many  stall-warts  away,  taking  their 
Whitsun  holiday.  MANCINELLI  conduct- 
ing himself  admirably.  Orchestra  out  of 
sight,  but  not  out  of  mind,  nor  out  of  time  or  tune.  Never  better. 
Choiuf,  perhaps,  a  trifle  Whitmondayisb. 

Tuesday. — Fra  Diavolo,  as  before,  BE- 
VIGWANI  in  the  chair. 

Wednesday  and  Thursday. — Warbling 
WAGNBB  nights,  with  EMMA  KAMES,  PJ.AK- 
CON,  and  ANCONA,  in  Tannhauser,  and 
LES  BE  REIZKE  FH  ionics,  with  Madame 
ALBANI,  in  Lohengrin.  Tannhauser  excel- 
lentissimo.  The  Brothers  at  their  beet,  as 
are  EMMA  EAMES  and  the  others. 

Friday. — Pagliacci  and  Cavalleria  Rus- 
ticana, always  a  charming  couple,  with  a 
new  Santuzza,  Mile.  D'AiMA;  but  we  are 
waiting  to  see  the  second  opera  made  into 
Calve-leria,  which  will  give  it  a  fresh 
start.  PiNi-CoBSi  made  quite  a  pleasant 
fellow  of  Alfio.  But  original  cast  pre- 
ferred. 

Saturday. — Meistersinger  to  commence 
at  7.30.  When  shall  we  dice  P  And  if  it  is 
not  over  lill  patt  midnight,  where  shall  we  supP  Th*se  difficulties 
surmounted,  we  go  to  to-night's  performance  of  Die  Meistersinger. 
House  crowded.  Extra  seats  wherever  they  could  be  placed. 
Brothers  JEAN  and  EDOUABD  DE  RESZKE  warbling  WAGNER  in  the 
choicest  Italian,  tmsgcifioentlv,  with  PLA^ON  dc>iog  his  level  best, 
and  DATJD  BI8PH4M  with  M.  BONNABD,  an  Englishman  and  a 
Frenchman,  thoronghlv  entering  into  the  Wagnerian  fun  of  German 
low  comedy.  EMMA  EAMES  as  Eva  and  Madame  BAUEBMETSTER  as 
Maddalena  leaving  nothing  to  be  desired,  except  that  Waggish 
WAGNEB  should  have  given  them  more  ti  do.  Enthusiastic  calls 
for  everybody  after  every  Act;  and  Merry  MANCINELLI  dragged  on 
by  the  Great  Twin  Brethren  to  take  his  well-earned  share  of  the 
general  congratulations.  Splendid  finish  to  second  week's  Opera. 
DRUBIOLANUS  delighted.  WAGNER  Wiotorious ! 


"Pagliacci." 


BY  OUB  THOUGHTFUL  JAMES  IN  A  CONFECTIONEB'B  SHOP.  — 
What  is  the  natural  companion  to  a  Bath  Bun  ? — Why,  evidently,  a 
Sponge  Cake.  [Buys  both  and  retires. 


JUNE  13,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


277 


ECONOMY. 

Dolly.  "WHAT  DOBS  TBIS  MEAN?  'LADY  CARNABY  AT  HOM*. 
DANCING.  R.S.V.P."  Is  AS  OPBN  ENVELOPS,  WITH  A  HALFPSKNY 
STAMP  /" 

Hughie.  "!T  MEANS  SHB  DOESN'T  CAKE  A  HALFPENNY  WHETHER 

TOU  GO  OB  NOT  I  " 


ROUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

MY  BROTHER-IN-LAW. 

(Continued,) 

HEBE  then  was  HABRY  once  more  on  my  bands.  Though  he  was 
still  a  very  young  man,  he  had  contrived  to  cram  a  great  deal  of  life 
into  a  very  short  space  of  time.  He  had  been  at  Cambridge,  had 
made  an  army- tutor's  too  hot  to  hold  him,  had  revelltd  from  wealth 
to  penury  at  Monte  Carlo,  had  totally  failed  in  business,  and  had 
apparently  exhausted  the  resources  of  British  Colombia.  The  situa- 
tion was  a  serious  one,  for  we  were  confronted  with  the  pressing 
necessity  of  doing  something  for  HABRY.  You  can't  put  a  brother- 
in-law  away  in  a  drawer  of  your  writing-table,  lock  him  up,  and 
forget  all  about  him,  as  if  he  were  a  bill,  and  you  can't  tear  him  up 
and  throw  him  into  a  waste-paper  basket,  as  if  he  were  an  apoeal  for 
a  church  building-fund  ;  but  apart  from  such  drastic  proceedings  in 
the  direction  of  total  neglect  and  oblivion,  it  was  difficult  to  see  how 
we  were  to  treat  this  returned  prodigal. 

HARBY,  I  am  bound  to  say,  was  quite  amiable,  and  showed  a 
perfect  readiness  to  fall  in  with  any  proposal  made  for  his  benefit. 
There  was  a  fine  carelessness  about  him  that  disarmed  anger.  "  You 
settle  it  yourself,  old  man,"  he  said,  "  I  '11  chip  in  when  you  tell  me 
the  band 's  ready  to  start  playing." 

''  Bat  you  won't  like  the  tune,  you  know,"  I  observed. 

"  Lord  bless  you,  I  shall  like  any  tune,  and,  look  here,"  he  con- 
tinued, with  a  generous  show  of  making  a  great  concession,  "I'll 
play  any  blessed  instrument  you  like,  big  drum,  bones,  or  concertina 
—it 's  all  one  to  me.  Just  you  settle  it,  and  then  give  me  the  office, 
that 's  all  I  want."  Thereupon  he  helped  himself  to  one  of  my  long 
cigars,  rang  the  bell,  and  told  my  butler  to  bring  him  a  whiskey  and 
soda.  All  this  talking,  he  said,  made  his  throat  as  dry  as  a  limekiln. 

"Bui   couldn't   you   suggest   something   yourself?"   1    asked. 


"Surely  you  must  have  some  preference."  He  pondered  for  a  few 
moments,  and  sipped  his  drink.  "I'll  tell  you  what,  old  man,"  he 
suddenly  broke  out,  "I've  got  it.  I '11  go  to  the  Bar.  I  can  eat 
dinners  with  the  best  of  'em,  and  as  for  going  into  chambers,  why,  I 
could  do  it  on  my  head,  wig  and  all.  You  can  take  me  into  partner- 
ship, old  man,  or  I  '11  devil  for  you.  I  don't  know  what  a  chap  does 
when  he  devils,  but  it  sounds  the  sort  of  thing  that  might  suit  me. 
S _>  there  you  are.  and  don't  you  ever  say  I  refused  to  help  in  pro- 
viding myself  with  a  profession.  I  '11  go  to  the  Bar  and  keep  on 
devilling  all  day ;  and  I  shan't  want  a  big  icrew  to  begin  with.  Five 
or  six  hundred  a  year  will  do  me.  Is  it  a  whack  P  "  I  had  to  explain 
to  him  that  it  was  not  a  whack,  a  decision  which  did  not  impair  his 
cheerfulness  in  the  very  least. 

WHEN  I  consulted  AXTCE,  she  said  that  the  poor  boy  must  not  be 
hurried  into  anything.  There  was  lots  of  time,  and.  thank  Heaven, 
we  had  money  enough  to  support  him  in  the  meanwhile.  As  a  prac- 
tical proposal,  she  suggested  that  I  ought  to  find  a  pleasant  open  air 
occupation  for  him,  something  that  would  keep  him  amused  without 
putting  too  great  a  tax  upon  his  intellectual  faculties.  Why 
shouldn't  I  send  him  down  to  look  after  the  shooting  I  had  taken  in 
Suffolk  ?  HAKBY  could  live  in  the  house,  superintend  the  keepers 
and  make  preparations  for  the  season ;  and  as  I  contd  only  get  down 
there  occasionally,  the  arrangement  would  really  be  advantageous 
to  me.  So  said,  so  done.  This  conversation  took  place  in  the  begin- 
ning of  August,  and  in  the  following  week  HABKY  started  for  Suffolk 
with  one  of  the  handsomest  shooting  and  game-keeping  outfits' I 
have  ever  seen.  

I  HAVE  no  wish  to  linger  long  over  the  recollection  of  this  experi- 
ment. It  is  enough  to  say  that  I  got  very  little  shooting  myeelf. 
Somehow  or  other  HARRY  always  wrote,  at  a  time  most  inconvenient 
for  me,  to  say  that  the  birds  really  must  be  killed  at  once,  and  that, 
if  I  couldn't  come  myself,  he  thought  he  could  get  two  or  three 
fellows  who  could  hold  pretty  straight,  and,  with  their  help,  he 
might  manage.  He  did  manage.  He  and  his  friends  had  what  he 
called  a  slap-up  time,  and  lived— at  my  expense-^on  the  fat  of  the 
land.  ALICE  certainly  pointed  out  that  it  was  delightful  to  have  so 
many  partridges  and  pheasants  to  give  away  to  our  friends,  and  that 
the  always  knew  HABKY  had  a  good  heart,  and  would  come  right  in 
the  end.  But,  when  I  had  paid  all  the  bills,  and  counted  the  cost, 
I  concluded  that  a  shooting,  managed  in  this  style,  was  too  expensive 
a  luxury  for  me.  especially  as  my  own  friends  did  not  seem  to  fit  in 
with  HABBY'S  ideas.  "  Those  two  old  Q,.  C.  johnnies,"  he  remarked, 
"can't  shoot  for  nuts;  and  as  for  the  Judge,  he  seemed  to  think 
I  was  a  pheasant  or  a  rabbit,  by  the  way  he  tried  to  pepper  me.  No, 
thanks ;  I'll  let  the  coroner  get  along  without  me,  if  I  can."  On  the 
whole,  the  experiment  was  not  a  success,  and  I  determined  not  to 
repeat  it.  So  there  was  HABRY  on  my  hands  again. 

SINCE  then  we  have  tried  a  great  many  other  plans.  We  took  a 
little  cottage  on  the  Thames,  and  installed  HARRY  in  it.  His  bill  for 
steam-launches  was  colossal.  We  packed  him  off  with  a  couple  of 
friends  for  a  voyage  on  the  Norfolk  Broads  ;  we  took  rooms  for  him 
in  a  moderate  hunting  county,  but  he  soon  tired  of  that,  and  said 
Leicestershire  was  the  only  county  for  a  man  who  respected  himself. 
So,  though  the  inference  was  not  obvious,  to  Leicestershire  he  went, 
with  two  horses  of  mine,  and  two  that  he  bought  for  himself,  dirt 
cheap,  as  he  told  me.  As  to  the  dirt  I  know  nothing ;  the  cheapness 
I  deny,  especially  as  I  had  to  pay  for  them.  At  present,  we  have 
quartered  him  out  in  a  golfing  centre,  with  a  brand  new  set  of  clubs, 
and  a  first-class  bicycle.  In  fact,  HARRY  is  sampling  every  amuse- 
ment and  almost  every  expensive  pursuit  under  the  sun,  and  all  at 
my  cost.  This  cannot  go  on  much  longer  ;  no  income  can  stand  it. 
But  I  am  as  far  as  ever  from  knowing  what  to  do  with  my  cheerful 
brother-in-law. 

A  Bicyclist's  Adieu. 

IT  isn't  because  you  said  I  was  curt. 
When  you  shot  from  your  "bike "  like  a  dart, 

And  curled  up  in  aU-too-promiscuous  dirt, 
That  for  ever  and  ever  we  part. 

It  is  simply  and  eoMy Why  secrets  disclose  ? 

But,  another  time,  do  n  )t  have  holes  in  your  hose  ! 

MLLITAKY  INTELLIGENCE.— The  Honourable  and  Ancient  Artillery 
Company  of  Boston,  U.S.A.,  will  invade  this  island  next  month,  and 
will  be  immediately  made  prisoners  by  the  Prince  of  WALES  and  the 
H.  A.C.  of  London.  The  wrongs  of  JOHN  BULL  will  only  be  redeemed 
by  the  rites  of  hospitality. 

JBST  IN  TJME. — A  well-known  miser  is  sad  to  have  backed  the 
winner  of  the  Derby  simply  because  he  was  so  Fersimmonious ! 

"WATTS"  IN  A  NAME? — The  Derby  winner's  jockey. 


VOL.  ex. 


B  B 


278 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  13,  1896. 


'THE    WELL    GRACED   ACTOR." 

Mr.  Punch  (to  the  Marquis  of  D-ff-r-n,  in  last  act  of  "  Diplomacy '').  "  NOT  FARKWJILI,,  Mr  LOKD,  BUT  'AU  RXVOIR  ! '    HOPE 

SOON  TO  SEE  YOU  IN  A  HEW  CA8T  1  " 


JUNE  13,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


279 


THE  PRINCE'S  PAIR; 

Or,  the  Power  of  Loyalty.  An  Ode  in  Honour 
of  the  Derby  (and  Oaks)  Day.  (A  long  way 
after  Dry  den.) 

AIR — "  Alexander's  Featt." 

'TWAS  Friday,  after  the  first  Derby  won 

Bv  Queen  VICTORIA'S  son 

(With  Per-sim-mori). 

Aloft  in  simple  state 

The  princely  sportsman  sate, 

The  favourite  his  own, 
As  in  the  Derby,  in  the  Oaks  he  found. 
His   brow  with  two  Bine  Ribands  he  saw 

bound. 

(So  should  a  plucky  Prince  be  crowned.) 
The  lovely  Thais,  side  by  side 
With  DERBY'S  Oaks  competitor  did  stride. 
Alas,  for  Thais,  WATTS' s  pride  I 
It  were  the  loveliest  of  loyal  jokes 
If  he  who  won  the  Derby  won  the  Oaki  I 

Happy,  happy,  happy  pair  I 

None  but  the  brave, 

None  but  the  brave, 
None  bntthe  brave  deserve  such  palms  to  wear ! 

But  Canterbury  Pilgrim  thundering  nigh 

With  RICKABY,  all  fire, 

With  flying  feet  draws  nigher,  nigher, 
Trembling,  triumphant  notes  ascend  the  tky ! 

Thais  appears  to  tire ! 
The  Pilgrim  wins,  by  Jove ! 
Stirred  are  the  crowded  seats  above, 
(Such  is  the  power  of  loyal  love !)          [odds  I 
Pilgrim  shoots  out — two  lengths — upsets  the 
"  Hundred    to   eight !      How   well   young 

RICKABT  rode  I 

Thais  is  second.    We  had  liked  it  best 
Had  she  been  first  tho'.    Well  he  stands  the 

test  I 

His  princely  lip  in  quiet  smile  is  curled. 
We  *tt  back  him— Prince  or  sportsman — 'gainst 

the  world ! " 

*  *  *  « 

The  princely  "  sportsman"  smiled  to  see 
The  public  all,  of  high  or  low  degree, 
Witfi  mighty  sympathy  a- move ; 
For  princely  pluck  doth  stir  the  crowd  to  love ! 
*'  The  Blue  Riband  was  no  bubble, 
Thais' s  loss  his  mind  won't  trouble. 
All  things  must  have  a  beginning. 

What  is  won  there 's  no  destroying, 
And  the  Derby  was  worth  winning, 

And  the  memory 's  worth  en  joy  mg. 
Lovely  Thais !  this  win  is  denied  thee ! 
Take  the  gifts  the  gods  provide  thee  I " 
The  many  rend  the  skies  with  loud  applause, 
So  Love  is  crowned,  and  Loyalty  wins  the 

cause. 

The  Prince,  quite  able  to  conceal  his  pain, 
Smiles  with  an  air 
Devoid  of  care, 
And — all  the  world  hopes  he  will  win  again ! 


RESULTS  BY  RED  TAPE. 

(A  Story  founded  on  Precedent.) 

THE  orisisof  the  campaign  had  been  reached. 
The  Command er-in- Chief  and  the  Diplomatist 
— each  of  them  a  celebrity  of  the  century — 
had  all  but  succeeded  in  bringing  the  matter 
to  a  satisfactory  conclusion.  They  had  worked 
side  by  side  and  hand  in  hand  for  years,  and 
had  together  grown  old  in  the  service  of  their 
country. 

"We  attack  the  citadel  to-morrow,"  said 
the  soldier,  "  and  the  town,  once  taken,  you 
will  arrange  details." 

"  Assuredly,"  replied  the  statesman.  "  I 
have  a  draft  treaty  drawn  out  which  must  be 
accepted  by  the  enemy.  This  point  gained, 
and  we  shall  have  secured  peace  with  honour. 
Peace  that  will  last  a  century,  and  honour 
that  will  endure  for  ever." 

The  colleagues — he  of  the  pen  and  he  of  the 


A   SKETCH    AT   MARGATE. 

"  IT  'S  EASIER  THAN   I  THOUGHT  IT  WAS  !  " 


sword— shook  hands,  and  congratulated  one 
another.  Then  they  retired  for  the  night. 

The  next  morning  they  were  early  a  field. 
The  warrior  had  marshalled  his  men,  and  the 
diplomatist  had  assumed  his  official  costume, 
and  had  supplied  himself  with  a  sheet  of 
parchment,  a  couple  of  pens,  and  an  inkstand. 

All  was  ready.  The  commander-in- chief 
palled  his  officers  round  him  to  receive  final 
instructions,  and  the  courtier  procured  a  taper 
and  a  stick  of  sealing-wax. 

It  was  at  this  moment  that  a  Government 
messenger  put  in  an  appearance. 

4 'Very  sorry  to  disturb  yon,  gentlemen," 
began  the  new  comer,  "  but  orders  are  orders, 
and  must  be  obeyed." 

"  We  have  no  time  to  attend  to  you,"  said 
the  soldier. 

"  Please  stand  aside,"  added  the  statesman. 
"We  will  discuss  the  matter  further  when 
occasion  permits.  Remember  that  this  is  a 
critical  moment.  Recollect  that  I  am  the 
principal  political  officer." 

"  And  I  the  commander- in-chuf ." 

"Can't  help  that,  gentlemen,"  responded 
the  Government  messenger;  "but,  as  you 
have  both  reached  to-day  the  age  limit,  you 
are  oompnlsorily  retired." 

So  the  warrior  and  the  statesman  gave  up 
the  campaign  at  the  critical  moment.  When 
they  got  home,  they  both  received  a  pension. 
But,  although  the  award  was  well  earned,  it 
was  neither  a  pleasure  to  the  recipients  nor  an 
advantage  to  the  bestowers. 

Still  it  was  a  triumph  for  red  tape,  and 
that— as  every  one  knows— is  something. 


TENNYSON  ON  TWO  EYENTS. 

H.R.H.  the  Prince  of  WALES  won  the 
Derby,  and  H.I.M.  the  German  EMPEROR 
won  the  yacht  race,  so  Mr.  Punch  says  to 
all  Englishmen — 

"  0  give  him  welcome !  " 
"  This  (bowing  to  H.R.H.)  is  he 
Was  great  by  land,   as  thou  (saluting  the 
German  Emperor)  by  sea  I " 

(Tennyson's  Odv  on  the  "Death  of  the 
Duke  of  Wellington.") 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

A  REFLECTIVE  BRITON  TO  A  NATATORY 
RUSSIAN  PRINCESS. 

WE  read  in  tales  from  many  lands 

Of  mermaids  playing  in  the  brine, 
With  looking-glasses  in  their  hands, 

And  ringlets  flowing  free  and  fine. 
HANS  CHRISTIAN  ANDERSEN  has  told 

With  perfect  pathos,  subtle  wit. 
Of  that  Princess  with  locks  of  gold 

Who  loved,  but  could  not  walk  or  eit. 

You,  too,  Princess,  I  often  dreamed 

Must  be  a  mermaid  cast  ashore ; 
Your  swimming  gait  was  what  I  deemed 

No  Naiad  e'er  displayed  before. 
You  look  divine  with  that  same  walk, 

As  down  the  Esplanade  you  sail, 
And  from  your  ever  constant  talk, 

You  must  be  very  like  a  whale. 

You  speak  with  rapture  of  the  dive 

That  day  by  day  you  undertake, 
I  marvel  that  you  're  still  alive, 

Your  swimming  feats  make  bathers  quake. 
The  safety-rope  you  never  seize, 

E'en  when  the  waves  their  own  would 

claim, 
You  laugh  at  all  the  angry  seas. 

And  Venus-like  have  earned  her  nams. 

80  rhapsodizing  from  this  height, 

Where  modesty  bids  me  abide, 
I  look  upon  tne  clean  delight 

Of  Woman  battling  with  the  tide. 
And  far  below  I  see  a  shape, 

Tail,  skimpy,  lightly  clad  in  blue 
Brieeis !  do  that  damsel  drape ! 

By  Neptune's  trident  it  is  you  ! 

PROVERBIAL  PHILOSOPHY.  —  The  "mug" 
always  consorts  with  the  "juggins." 

A   DUPLEX  LAMP   COUNTING   TWO  ON   A 
DIVISION.— 1  he  Member  for  Wick. 


THE  MODERN  EDICT  OP  "  NAN  TS."— Pass- 
ing in  swimming  at  Eton. 


280 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  13,  1896. 


JOTTINGS    AND   TITTLINGS. 

(BY  BABOO  HURRY  BTTNGSHO  JABBERJBE,  B.A.) 

No.  XIV. 
Mr.  Jabberjee's  fellow-student.     What '«  in  a  Title  f    An  invitation 

f  •/  _     _,  *     -  •  t     "L          J  T  Tj     I  ^  ""»™4'.f  »•  J       ******     UVA.VMV     *  *-*J       W*     AA»J       RWV*V¥»JJL      TV  *»O      fc/VM  U      W      h/AUOU      Li-U-O^tJl 

fo  a  Wedding.  Mr.  J.  as  a  wedding  guest,  with  what  he  thought ,  in  the  dark  unf  athomed  cave  of  a  desert  ear,  for  the  actual  recipient 
of  the  ceremony,  and  kow  h«  distinguished  himself  on  the  j  Of  my  compliments  was  an  unmarried  spinster  relative,  who  had 
occasion.  |  already  passed  the  years  of  discretion. 

THEBE  is  a   certain   English   young  fellow-student  of  mine—  \     Mrs.  ALLBUTT-INNETT  welcomed  me  with  cordial   effusiveness, 
videlicet,  HOWARD  AI/LBUTT-INNETT,  Esquire,  with  jrhom  I  have  i  insisting  that  I  should  honour  them  by  visiting  their  residence,  and 


Not  being  desirous  to  hide  under  a  bushel,  I  did  press  myself 
forward,  and  addressing  a  lady  whom  I  took  to  be  the  bride,  I 
felicitated  her  loudly,  wishing  that  she  might  never  become  a  widow, 
or  use  vermilion  on  her  grey  head,  and  that  she  might  wear  the  iron 
bangle,  and  get  seven  male  children. 

Unhappily  the  serene  ray  of  my  goodwill  was  born  to  blush  unseen 


the  cap-in-liand  with  innumerable  aristocratic  nobs.  marriage  customs,  such  as  whether  he  would  be  required  to  spend 

Seeing  that  I  had  (at  an  earlier  period)  been  a  more  diligent  atten-   the  evening  in  having  his  ears  pulled,  and  other  facetious  banterings, 


dant  and  note-taker  of  lectures 
than  himself,  he  did  pay  me  the 
transcendent  compliment  of  bor- 
rowing the  loan  of  my  note-book, 
which,  to  my  grateful  astonish- 
ment, he  condescended  to  bring 
back  personally  to  Porticobello 
House,  saying  that  he  had  found 
my  notes  magnificent,  and  totally 
incomprehensible  to  his  more 
limited  intellect !  t&&  *j*1^-« 

In  additum,  he  graciously  ac- 
cepted my  invitation  to  ascend 
to  the  drawing-room,  where  I 
introduced  him  freely  to  several 
select  lady  boarders  as  my  alter 
ego  and  Fidus  Achates. 

On  taking  his  leave,  he  ex- 
pressed some  marvelling  that  I 
should  have  concealed  my  superior 
rank  under  the  reticence  of  a 
napkin,  having  observed  that  I 
was  addressed  as  "Prince"  by 
more  than  one  of  the  softer-gexed 
boarders. 

I  replied  that  I  attached  no 
valid  importance  to  the  nominis 
umbra  of  such  a  barren  title,  and 
that  the  contents  of  what  there 
is  nothing  in  must  necessarily  be 
naught. 

He  answered  me  warmly  that 
he  entirely  joined  issue  with  me 
in  such  an  opinion,  and  that  he 
was  often  affected  to  sickishness 
by  the  snobbery  of  mundane 
society,  adding  that  he  hoped  I 
would  give  him  the  look  up  at 
his  paternal  mansion  in  Prince's 
Square,  Bayswater,  shortly,  since 
his  people  would  be  overjoyed  at 
making  my  acquaintance,  which 
both  enraptured  and  surprised 
me,  for  hitherto  he  had  ridden 
the  high  and  rough-shoed  horse, 
and  employed  me  to  suck  my 
brains  as  a  cat's  foot. 

And  odzookers  !  before  many 
days  I  was  the  recipient  of  a 
silver  -  lettered  missive,  stating 


by  his  mother-in-law  and  sisters- 
in-law,  as  in  India. 
'.,  But  he  seemed  oppressed  by  so 
severe  a  bashfulness  that  I  could 
extract  no  information  from  him, 
and  presently  the  father  of  the 
bride  came  up  and  conducted  me 
into  an  apartment  wherein  was  a 
kind  of  bazaar,  or  exhibition  of 
clocks  and  lamps  and  stationery 
cases  and  ktives  and  forks  and 
other  trinkets  and  gewgaws, 
none  of  which  appeared  to  me  at 
all  different  from  similar  objects 
in  shop  windows. 

However,  the  greatest  admira- 
tion and  wonderment  were  ex- 
pressed by  all  who  entered,  and  I 
found  that  the  host  was  under 
grave  apprehensiveness  that  the 
presents  might  be  looted  by  the 
more  unscrupulous  of  the  guests, 
for  he  pointed  out  to  me  a  sharp- 
eyed,  shy  gentleman  in  a  corner, 
who,  he  informed  me,  was  a  dis- 
guised police-officer.  This,  at 
first,  I  was  loth  to  believe,  but 
was  assured  that  it  was  a  neces- 
sary precaution. 

Still,  I  will  presume  to  point 
out  that  the  simulation  by  a 
policeman  of  the  ordinary  cha- 
racter of  a  friend  of  the  family 
and  fellow-rejoicer,  is  a  rather 
reprehensible  trap  to  catch  a 
sleeping  weasel,  since  those  whose 
honesty  is  not  invariably  above 
1  ar  may  be  lulled  into  the  false 
security  by  his  civilian  get-up. 
And  I  did  assure  him,  privately, 
that  it  was  totally  unnecessary  to 
keep  an  eye  on  myself,  who  was 
a  native  University  man  with  no 
necessity  or  natural  taste  for 
peculation,  but  that  I  would  in- 
fallibly inform  him  if  I  should 
succeed  at  detecting  any  attempted 
dishonesty. 

Later  I  was  ushered  into  the 
refreshment-room,  and  partook  of 


"The  spectators  saluted  me  with  shouts  of  joy  as  the  returned  Shahzadar." 

a  pink  ice,  with  champagne-wine  and  strawberries,  after  which  I 
entreated  leave  of  Mrs.  ALLBDTT-INNETT  to  deliver  a  nuptial  oration. 
And  she,  overjoyed  at  my  happy  thought,  did  loudly  request  silence 
for  Prince  JABBEFJEE,  who  was  to  utter  a  few  very  briei  utterances. 
So  as  they  became  all  ears,  I  addressed  them,  describing  how,  in 


that  Mr.  and  Mw.  LEOFBIC  ALLBUIT-INNETT  did  request  the 
honour  of  PrincB  JABBEBJEB'S  company  at  the  marriage  of  their 
daughter,  CLOBINDA  ISABEL,  with  Mr.  OVEKTON  WOODBEIGH-SMABT, 
at  a  certain  sacred  Bayswater  edifice. 

This  I  eagerly  accepted,  perceiving  that  my  friend  must  have 

eulogised  to  his  parents  my  legal  accomplishments  and  forensic  j  my  native  country,  at  such  a  bridal  feast  and  blow-out,  it  was 
acumen.  j  customary  for  the  bridegroom's  mother  to  eat  a  sevenfold  repast,  for 

"When,  like  Hamlet,  I  did  obey  in  all  my  best,  I  alighting  at  the  fear  of  a  subsequently  empty  stomach ;  but  the  bride's  mother,  on 
church  in  my  embossed  cap,  shawl  neckcloth,  a  pair  of  yellow  glove-  the  contrary,  will  touch  nothing,  feeling  that  the  more  she  fasts 
kids,  and  patented  Japan  shoes,  the  spectators  saluted  me  with  shouts  then,  the  more  provender  will  fall  to  her  later  on.  And  I  rather 
of  joy  as  the  returned  SHAHZADAB,  which  caused  me  to  bow  profusely,  j  facetiously  added  that,  on  the  present  occasion,  I  had  the  certainty 
while  the  driver  of  the  hansom  petitioned  an  additional  sixpence.  |  that  both  the  mothers  might  indulge  their  appetites  ad  libitum, 

The  interior  of  the  church  was  dim  and  crowded  with  feminines.  Next  I  recounted  how,  during  a  former  boyish  wedding  of  my  own, 
and  I  could  only  hear  flatters  and  rustlings,  together  with  a  subdued  ,  my  wife's  mother  after,  as  was  befitting,  setting  a  conical  tinselled 
mumble  at  the  remoter  end— which  I  ascertained  to  be  the  ceremony,  cap  upon  my  head,  and  placing  ten  rings  of  twigs  upon  my  ten 
Then  followed  the  long  stop  and  awkward  pause,  accompanied  on  the  fingers,  and  binding  my  hands  with  a  weaver's  shuttle,  did  say,  "  I 
organ,  and  at  length  all  the  company  stood  on  seats  and  the  tiptoe  of  have  bound  thee,  and  bought  thee  with  cowries,  and  put  a  shuttle 
expectation,  as  the  bridal  precession  moved  slowly  down  the  central  between  thy  fingers ;  now  bleat  then  like  a  lamb."  Whereupon  I, 
passage  amidst  the  congratulations  of  their  friends  and  nearest  being  of  a  jokish  disposition,  did,  unexpectedly  and  contrary  to  usage, 
relations.  cry  "Baa"  loudly,  thereby  causing  my  mother-in-law  to  fear  that 


JUNE  13,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


281 


I  was  a  dull— until  that  night  in  the  Zenana  she  had  the 
great  happiness  to  overhear  me  outwitting  all  the  females 
present  by  the  sprightliness  of  my  badinage.  And  I  was 
proceeding,  amidst  vociferous  cachinnation,  to  enumerate  some 
of  my  most  lively  sallies,  when  the  bride's  father  did  take  me 
by  the  arm,  and  drawing  me  aside,  inform  me  that  the  young 
couple  were  just  about  to  start  for  their  wedding  journey, 
and  that  I  was  urgently  required  to  see  them  depart. 

I  observed  that  here,  as  with  us,  it  is  de  regie  to  scatter 
rice  upon  the  head  of  the  bridegroom — but  neither  treacle 
noi  spices.  Moreover,  this  complimentary  shower  is  extended 
to  the  bride  and  the  carriage-horses,  and  hurled  with 
athletic  vigorousness,  while  it  is  a  point  of  honour  to  knock 
off  the  coachman's  hat  with  a  female  satin  slipper. 

I  was  disappointed  to  see  that  both  the  happy  pair  had  oast 
aside  their  gorgeous  wedding  garments,  and  put  on  quite 
ordinary  and  everyday  attire,  which,  if  not  due  to  excessive 
parsimoniousness,  must  originate  in  a  shamefaced  desire  to 
conceal  their  state  of  connubiality,  though  it  might  be 
reasonably  anticipated  that  they  should  rather  be  anxious 
to  manifest  their  triumphant  good-luck  pro  bono  publico. 


ANCIENT  BAS-RELIEF.     "SIC  ITUR  AD  ASCOT." 


AFTER  THE  EPSOM  WEEK  IS  OVER. 
(To  the  Editor  of  Punch.) 

So  you  see,  Sir,  you  were  right  in  trusting  me.  I  gave  you,  as  I 
promised,  the  absolute  winner  for  the  Derby.  But  more,  Sir.  If  you 
followed  my  f  ancy*  not  only  did  you  get  Persimmon,  but  St.  Frusquin 
and  Earwig.  It  is  not  often  that  a  racing  prophet  can  boast  of 
having  given  the  absolute  "  one,  two,  three,"  of  the  Blue  Riband  of 
the  Turf.  But  I  did  it.  Yes,  Sir,  I  plumped  for  the  Field.  And 
the  placed  ones  were  in  the  Field.  But  it  is  only  right  and  proper 
that  you  should  share  the  merit  of  your  conscientious  and  right- 
minded  contributor.  If  I  indicated,  with  absolute  accuracy,  the 
heroes  of  the  hour,  or,  I  ihould  say,  the  observed  of  all  observers  of 
the  something  less  than  three  minutes,  you,  pluckily,  hours  before 
the  race  was  decided,  published  a  portrait  of  the  winner  I 

There  is  only  one  slight  drawback  to  the  satisfaction  of  the 
moment.  Those  who  have  won  through  this  marvellous  production, 
have  not  yet  sent,  as  requested,  a  percentage  of  their  winnings. 
This  oversight  corrected,  and  the  great  British  public  will  receive  not 
only  the  congratulations,  but  the  respect  of  IXION  THE  WHEELER. 

OPERATIC    NOTES. 

Tuesday. — DRTJRIOLANTJS  confers  great  benefit  on  old,  middle-aged, 
and  young  stagers,  or,  rather,  opera-goers,  by  giving  Martha  with  a 
remarkably  good,  and  in  the  case  of  NED  DE  RESZKE,  an  exceptional 
caste.  Just  now,  than  MARIE  ENGEL,  no  better  representative  of  the 

Engelish  Martha,  whose  petit  nom  is 
"  Patty"  a  joke  which  escaped  both 
Nedreszke  -  Plumketto  (eo  printed, 
though  surely  it  ought  to  be  with  an 
"  n,"  not  an  "  m  "  ;  but  still,  "  N  or 
M,"  as  the  case  may  be,  there  is  more 
than  one  "Plum"  in  this  part)  and 
the  amiable  lover,  Lionello-Cremo- 
nini,  who,  in  the  last  act.  might  have 
substituted  "Patty!  Patty!"  for 
"Martha!  Martha!"  to  the  well- 
known  air.  However,  the  opera  went 
capitally  without  this  slight  altera- 
tion. Then  again,  the  opera  being 
an  old  one,  and  with  one  delightful 
typically  English  air  in  it,  "  The 
Last  Rose  of  Summer"  a  second 
chance  was  lost  by  NED  DE  RKSZKE- 
PLUMPTJDDINGKETTO,  when  making 
up  to  the  soubrette  Nancy,  played 
and  sung  with  lady-like  archness  by 
Madame  MANTELLI,  omitting  to  sing 
"  /  would  I  were  with  Nancy" 
an  innovation  which,  I  am  sure,  Signor  BEVIGNANI  would  have  per- 
mitted, and  would  have  orchestrated  with  the  greatest  pleasure. 

The  first  scene  of  Martha  is  laid  at  Richmond,  which  at  this  date, 
somewhere  about  the  time  of  ROBIN  HOOD,  to  judge  by  the  costume, 
was,  it  appears,  overlooked  by  an  Alpine  range,  including  a  suspicion 
of  snow-capped  mountains.  The  Surrey  hills,  alway  s  a  fair  scene,  must 
have  been  very  different  then,  as  seen  in  this  Fair  Scene  (in  the  second 
half  of  Act  I.),  to  what  they  are  nowadays.  Evidently  they  have  been 
considerably  cut  down  since  the  time  of  Plumkako  and  Sceriffo,  alias 
"  Sheriff."  NED  DE  RE&ZKE,  with  jovial  drinking  song  and  dance, 
obtained  a  tremendous  encore.  The  dance  did  it.  What  a  first-rate 
Henry  the  Eighth  he  would  make  I  Let  Sir  DRTJRIOLANTTS  look  to  it. 
The  remainder  of  week  given  up  to  encores  of  already  performed 
operas.  In  smooth  water  ;  and  Martha  again  next  Thursday. 


A  LITTLE  MOSCOW-EAID. 

[By  a  patty  o/170  revellers,  led  by  an  active  chap-Perowne,  who  have 
visited  Russia  to  witness  the  Coronation.  ] 

To  Moscow  we've  been,  and  the  show  we  have  ssen, 

And  now  we  're  returning  to  Britain, 
Our  tales  to  recount,  despite  the  amount 

Of  stuff  that 's  already  been  written. 
We  English  all  found,  as  we  trotted  around, 

That  the  Russians  were  mightily  civil ; 
The  croakers'  alarms  at  the  troubles  and  harms 

We  should  meet  with  might  well  be  called  "  drivel." 
If  we  photo'd  or  eketched,  'twas  said  we  'd  be  fetched 

By  gendarmes  and  removed  to  Siberia ; 
While  scribbling  was  banned  by  the  law^of  the  land — 

All  these  warnings  were  simple  hysteria ! 
Like  Britishers  bold,  in  each  palace  we  strolled, 

With  our  visiting  cards  as  mere  permit ; 
The  police  let  us  through,  without  further  ado, 

Surprised  by  our  "  cheek,"  as  I  '11  term  it. 
We  kodaked  the  Czar  and  his  entry  bizarre, 

And  felt  not  a  qualm  nor  a  trembling ; 
Quite  free  of  all  charge,  we  wandered  at  large 

O'er  the  place  I  must  spell  as  the  "  Krembling." 
We  came  and  we  saw  and  were  conquered— no  flaw 

Could  we  find  in  the  pageant  of  wonders  ; 
If  we  think  we  could  beat  this  spectacular  treat, 

We  make  just  the  biggest  of  blunders  I 
If  only  they  'd  spend  a  few  roubles,  and  mend 

Those  pavements  that  shake  yon  to  pieces, 
To  Moscow  we  'd  burn  straightway  to  return— 

'Tis  a  town  where  delight  never  ceases ! 
And  if  ever  the  Russ  ihould  abolish  the  fuss 

About  passports,  as  done  by  BRITANNIA, 
Why  then,  when  we  part,  we  could  say  from  our  heart 

The  Slav  au  revoir — "  do  svidanya  !  " 


"  NOT  YSAYELY  BUT  Too  WELL."— I  say  that  YSATE'S  last  concert 
takes  place  on  Saturday  next.  Ysaye-turday  ?  Why  not  say  some  other 
day,  when  it  wouldn't  clash  (which  is  inharmonious)  with  the  Sara- 
sate  Concert?  If  YSAYE  were  a  Ysaye-acre,  he  would  have  maoY 
some  other  arrangement.  Y  save  this  now  ?  Never  too  late.  Will 
YSAYE  oblige,  and  play  BACH'S  famous  Chaconne  in  D  minor? 
Forwards  I  always,  but  "  try  BACH,"  is  the  modern  musician's  motto. 
Perhaps  some  amateurs  there  be  who  do  not  care  for  the  Chaconne. 
They  should  be  "  well  Chaoonne  before  taken  "  to  hear  the  perform- 
ance. But,  after  all, ' '  Chaconne  d  son  gout."  And  at  this  we  leave  it. 

FROM.  ARMENIA  TO  CORNWALL. — The  STILTAN'S  confidential  emis- 
» aty,  the  Bitter  MICHEL  VON  NEWLINSKY — or,  as  be  is  a  distinguished 
Austrian  journalist,  let  us  call  him  "  the  Writer  MICBEL" — when  he 
has  settled  the  diplomatic  difficulty,  will  take  advantage  of  his  name, 
which  proclaims  his  Cornish  origin  (he  was  born  under  a  "  Newlyn 
«ky"),  to  proceed  to  Cornwall  and  settle  the  Uewlyn  strikers  diffi- 
culty. The  artists  there  will  welcome  him  at  the  Newlyn  School. 

CREAMERY  AND  CASH.— See  the  profits  from  ice-cream,  lemonade, 
water  ices,  &o.  ?  About  500  per  cent.,  according  to  case  in  Sheriff's 
Court.  Why  not  a  boom  in  ginger-beer  ?  De  Ginger-Beers  much 
better  than  De  Beers. 


282 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  13,  1896. 


RATIONAL    COSTUME. 


The  View  of  St.  Winifred-in-the-  Wold  (to  fair  Bicyclists] 

THEIR  HATS  ON   ENTERING   A  CHUKOH  1  " 


IT  IS  CU8TOMABY  FOB  MEN,    I  WILL  NOT  SAY  GBNTLBtfXN,   TO  RBMOVK 

Confusion  of  the  Ladies  Rota  and  Ixiona  Bykewell. 


OUR  OWN  EASTERN  QUESTION. 

(A  New  Tale  of  a"  Tub") 

["  It  is  pitiable,  and,  indeed,  intolerable,  that 
the  great  population  of  Plaistow,  Canning  Town, 
and  all  the  rest  of  South  West  Ham,  should  be 
destitute  of  such  a  necessity  of  healthy  life  as  a 
public  bath  and  wash-house." 

F.  M.  Marvin,  H.  M.  Inspector  of  Schools.'] 

"  RATED  up  to  the  eyes,"  yet  trablest  with  a 

bath  I  [Far  East ! 

That's  a  sweet  pretty  picture  of  London's 

A  pleasant  incentive  to  choosing  the  path 

That  divideth   the  man,  although   poor, 

from,  the  beast. 

Oar  workaday  London  must  he  a  nice  pitch 
For  the  poor  Plaistow  victim  of  drudging 

and  dirk, 

"Whose  only  cheap  "  tub"  is  a  dip  in  a  ditch, 

A  "  bath"  which  would  soil  e'en  a  Casual's 

shirt !  [Lea 

The  foul,  stagnant  sewage,  that  trickles  from 

Into   a   marsh   dyke,  is  a  sweet  sort  of 

"tub"! 

And  life  must  be  fall  of  decorum  and  glee, 

Without  chance  of  a  plunge,  without  hope 

of  a  scrub !  [bard, 

Why"  even  the  dread  "  Porple  East"  of  the 

Though  bloodstained,  is  not  grimed  and 

bathless,  like  ours  ; 
And  WATSON  might  find  our  "  Black  East," 

Trade's  backyard, 
Furnish  fine  themes  for  wrath,  as  the  Turk 

and  the  Pow'rs ; 
Messrs.  ALDEN  and  MABVIN  might  give  him 

a  text 

For  sermons  in  sonnets,  with  swear-words 
adorned, 


And  Wealth  in  the  West,  by  scant  wat-r 

tmvext, 
Which  the  poor  "  Great  Unwashed  "  has  so 

oftentimes  scorned. 
Might  learn  it  »'*  hard  for  the  poor  to  keep 

clean. 
With  no  baths,  whether  private  or  public, 

at  hand. 

When  water  is  wanted  to  keep  the  earth 

green,  [land ; 

Church  petitions  find  voices  all  over  the 

But  who  lifts  a  prayer  for  .our  poor  tubless 

East, 
And  our  Waterless  Babies— as  KINGSLEY 

might  tay  ? 
This  would  be  a  theme  for  the   author  of 

Yeast, 

Who  pointed  such  pertinent  lessons  in  play. 
Conceive,  gentles  all,  in  such  weather  as  this, 

A  life  amidst  dirt,  undispelled  by  a  dip  I 
A  bathless  existence  I    Sweet  Sir,  if  you  miss 
Your  dear  morning  tub,  its  cool  lave,  its 

nerve-whip, 
How  wretched  you'd  be,  and  how   angry 

withal! 

And  what  of  a  roll  in  a  Regent' s-lane  ditch  ? 
Punch  pities  the  poor  in  such  plight,  and 

must  call 
On  the  pity — and  purse — of  the  bath-loving 

rich. 
Mr.  ALDEN,  of  Mansfield   House,  Canning 

Town  pleads 
To  the  West  for  the  East  I  chance  of  plunge, 

dip,  and  scrub. 
Give  the  Waterless  East  what  that  same 

sorely  needs, 

That's  the  moral  of  Punch's  New  Tale  of  a 
Tab! 


THE  NEW  ORDER  OF  YALOUR. 

THE  parade-ground  presented  a  scene  of 
unusual  brilliancy.  All  the  rank  and  talent 
of  the  country  were  there  to  do  honour  to  the 
gallant  girl  whose  bravery  was  to  be  suitably 
rewarded.  Th  e  gracious  lady  who  had  under- 
taken the  task  of  giving  the  decoration  to  the 
courageous  recipient  wore  an  expression  of 
satisfaction  at  having  so  pleasing  a  duty  to 
perform.  All  was  sunehine— atmospheric  as 
well  as  mental. 

The  important  moment  arrived,  and  then 
the  maiden,  wearing  the  costume  in  which 
she  had  performed  her  doughty  deeds  — 
divided  ekirt,  smart  coat  and  waistcoat,  and 
dainty  straw  hat — approached  the  da'is.  She 
bowed  smilingly  as  the  worthy  rival  to  the 
Victoria  Cross  was  fixed  to  her  button-hole. 

Then  there  came  a  mighty  shout.  Hats 
were  waved,  handkerchiefs  were  fluttered, 
and  parasols  were  agitated,  in  token  of 
applause.  The  enthusiasm  was  marvellous. 
Only  one  person  was  astonished  in  that  vast 
throng — an  intelligent  foreigner. 

"  Can  you  tell  me,"  said  the  stranger  from 
afar,  addressing  a  police- constable,  "why  is  it 
that  everybody  is  so  pleased  that  that  young 
lady  has  got  her  splendid  decoration  ?  " 

tf  Because,"  returned  the  protector  of  the 
Lawj  "she  has  richly  earned  it.  She  has 
survived  a  forlorn  hope." 

"  And  what  has  she  done  ?  " 

"She  has  gone  through  an  entire  London 
season  on  a  bicycle  without  an  accident,  and 
is  being  decorated  for  her  luck  and  valour." 

And  the  foreigner,  being  intelligent,  won- 
dered no  longer. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.— JUNK  13,  1896. 


AN  APPEAL. 


INDIA.   "I  HAVE  FOUND  THE  MEN,  SAHIB  !— WHY  SHOULD  I  FIND  THE  MONEY  TOO?" 
JOHN  BULL.   "  'PON  MY  WORD,  MY  DEAR,  I  REALLY  DON'T  SEE  WHY  YOU  SHOULD  !  " 


JUNE  13,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI, 


285 


THE  CHAPERON'S  VADE 
MECTJM. 

Question.  Now  that  the  London 
season  is  at  its  height,  I  suppose 
it  may  be  assumed  that  you  are 
becoming  weary  ? 

Answer.  Not  so  much  as  might 
reasonably  be  expected,  as  habit 
is  second  nature,  and  the  duties 
of  a  chaperon  are  practically  con- 
tinuous. 

Q.  But  do  you  not  obtain  rest 
in  the  country  ? 

A.  Not  when  one's  charge  has 
been  out  for  more  than  a  year, 
and  has  no  time  to  lose. 

Q.  Has  it  not  been  suggested 
that  chaperons  are  superfluous  ? 

A.  The  idea  was  imported  from 
America,  but  was  discarded  when 
the  New  Woman  was  voted  out 
of  date. 

Q.  Then  a  debutante  still  re- 
quires a  guide  ? 

A.  Certainly;  who  should  also 
be  a  philosopher  and  a  friend. 

Q.  What  are  the  duties  of  a 
chaperon  to  her  charge  ? 

A.  To  attend  her  to  garden- 
pirty,  concert,  opera,  or  ball,  and 
to  suggest  a  vague  superinten-  i 
dence  over  her  movements. 

Q,  May  a  chaperon  indulge  in 
any  of  the  pleasures  of  her 
charge  ? 

A.  Until  recently  she  might 
dance  at  balls,  but  the  mode  is 
now  considered  antiquated. 

Q.  Is  it  permitted  to  her  to 
sleep  on  duty  ? 

A.  The  correct  answer  to  this 
question  depends  on  circum- 
stances. If  an  eligible  parti  is 
prettnt  repose  is  sometimes  not 
only  permissible,  but  beneficial ; 
but  a  chaperon  can  never  be 
sufficiently  wideawake  in  the 
neighbourhood  of  a  detrimental. 

Q.  Is  not  the  wear  and  tear  of 
a  nightly  tour  of  revelry  trying 
to  health  and  strength  ? 

A.  Yes;  and  consequently  Son- 
day  entertainmentsaretobe  depre- 
cated, as  an  addition  to  a  burthen 
alieady  sufficiently  irksome. 

Q.  Can  you  suggest  anything 


A    DRESS    REHEARSAL. 

L-rd  G'h-f  J-st-ce  (to  Sir  H-nry  Irv-ng).  "You  SEE,  WE  ARE 
GOING  'ON  TOUR'  IN  THE  STATES,  AND  so — (diffidently] — YOU  ASK  HIM, 
L-CKW-D." 

Sir  Fr-iik  L-clw-d,  Q.C.t  M.P.  "WELL,  ME  AND  MY  PARDNER,  so 

TO    SPEAK,    WANT    TO    KNOW  IF  YOU    AND    J-HN  H-RE  CONSIDER  OUR 
'  MAKE  UP  '  AS   CORRECT  FOR  THE  BUSINESS  I  " 

Sir  H.I.  "  WBLL— UM—  (to  J.  H -re]  —WHAT  DO  YOU  THINK  ? " 
J.  H-re  (pleasantly),  "/THINK  THEY  LOOK  'A  PAIR  OF  SPECTACLES.' 
BUT  (apologetically)  THAT  WAS  A  BIO  SUCCESS  IN  THE  STATUS." 

[Stance  closed. 


better  than  supper  after  the  play, 
to  be  followed  by  a  couple  or  so  of 
crushes  and  a  drive  home  by  day- 
light? 

A.  Yes  ;  a  day  off  at  home, 
yielding  a  good  night's  rest. 

Q.  If  the  functions  of  a  chaperon 
are  so  trying  and  disagreeable, 
why  are  they  assumed  ? 

A.  Because,  as  the  mother  or 
nearest  friend  of  her  charge,  the 
chaperon,  naturally,  is  either 
actuated  by  duty  or  affection. 

Q.  And  what  is  the  highest  aim 
the  chaperon  has  in  view  ? 

A.  To  secure  for  her  charge  a 
suitable  marriage. 

Q.  What  is  a  suitable  marriage? 

A.  One  giving  wealth,  rank, 
and  an  easy-going  husband. 

Q.  And  having  secured  these 
boons  for  her  charge,  should  a 
chaperon  be  contented  ? 

A.  Entirely.  She  should  be 
happy  with  a  happiness  saddened 
only  by  one  painful  reflection — 
that  at  some  distant  date  the 
charge  she  has  chaperoned  may 
become,  poor  girl !  a  chaperon 
herself. 

A  FULFILLED  PROPHECY. 

•'  WHEN  American  fruit 's  on  the 

run" 
Was  my  tip.    And  the  biscuit  or 

bun 
By  my  foresight  was  easily  won — 

As  every  race-goer  owns — 
S:>  I  beg  that  the  gents  with  the 

winnings 
Won't  neglect  to  stump  up  on 

my  innings. 
Cheques  payable  to 

DARBY  JONES. 


APROPOS  COINCIDENCE.  —  The 
Princess  of  WALES  and  her 
daughters  dined  at  Derby  House 
on  Wednesday,  June  3. 

IN  THE  BRITISH  LION'S  DEN. 
— Captain  DANN,  ringmaster  at 
the  Agricultural  Hall. 

GOOD  GOLFING  GROUNDS. — The 
North  and  South  "  Fore  "-lands. 


THE  " FOURTH"  FORM  AT  ETON. 
BY  JOYNES  MINOR. 

FOUBTH  of  Jane  a  fine  day,  all  the  finer  for  being  also  a  dies  non. 
Much  pleased  with  my  new  "bags,"  especially  ordered  for  the 
occasion ;  ditto  with  jacket  and  white  waistcoat :  altogether  a 
triumph  of  BROWN'S.  Sorry  I  threw  that  bale  of  cloth  at  his  head 
the  other  day.  My  button-hole— a  red  rose — most  effective,  and 
"matches  my  complexion"  ;  Major,  who  is  up  at  Cambridge  now, 
faid  combination  reminded  him  of  history  reversed,  viz.,  the  roses  of 
the  Warre.  Cheek  this  1  Sweltering  heat  during  speeches  in  Upper 
School ;  bust  of  PORSON  positively  perspired.  Don't  particularly  care 
about  speeches,  but  went  in  hope  of  seeing  CROAKSON,  my  sixth- form 
fag-master,  make  an  ass  of  himself.  He  did  so— stumbling  all  over 
his  speech  from  ARISTOPHANES'  Frogs ;  was  delighted — served  him 
right  for  calling  me  a  "  lazy  little  skug." 

Shirked  "absence"  ;  if  complained  of,  shall  say  I  was  "  staying- 
out,"  suffering  from  absent-mindedness.    SKINNY  and  LIL  minor, 
shirked  too ;  prospect  of  a  "  swiping  "  for  us  to-morrow :  never  mind,  j 
we  shall  "  swing,  swing  together,"  as  our  boating  song  says.    My 
new  "patents"  rather  painfully  tight,  so  went  with  Major  to  rest  i 
my  Trilbies  for  a  moment,  and  have  an  ice  in  a  "  sock"  shop.    Met  j 
our  "  people,"  and  lunched  with  them  at  the  White  Hart  (people 
rather  a  bore,  but,  of  course,  unavoidable).    Father,  as  usual,  got 
up  in  execrable  taste ;  feel  inclined  to  ask  him  where  he  got  that 
hat,  but,  being  hopeful  of  substantial  tip,  don't.    Paid  off  old  tick  at 


JOEY'S  out  of  Persimmon  winnings ;  by  the  way,  so  glad  the  Prince 
won,  believe  the  whole  school  was  "on"  him.  Watched  the  dry- 
bobs  in  Upper  Club :  Major  assumes  superior  air  of  cricket  connoisseur, 
just  because  he  was  twelfth  man  at  Lord's  last  year  (I  hope  to  get  my 
"  sixpenny  "  myself  this  summer).  Take  Major  down  a  peg  by  men- 
tioning how  " Buns"  THORNTON  hit  him  over  the  trees  for  six  twice 
rnnrjiag.  He  does  side  so  much  about  his  "  slows." 

Saw  little  SETPPY  NIGHTMAN  (the  "beak"  on  a  "bike")  come 
such  a  cropper  off  his  wheel  in  crowded  High  Street ;  grinned  with 
joy,  and  "capped "  him  respectfully.  Am  "  up  to "  him  for  mathe- 
matics, and  shan't  forget  in  a  hurry  his  keeping  me  in  "after 
twelve  "  on  St.  Andrew's  Day,  to  do  a  beastly  "  extra  work."  Spoke 
to  young  KOSMO  WILKINSON,  cox  of  the  Thetis,  who  was  bursting 
with  pride  (and  strawberry  squash)  on  account  of  his  admiral's 
uniform  and  "  cabbage,"  which  he  called  a  "  bookie."  Followed 
the  procession  of  boats  in  a  steam-launch  to  Surley  Hall,  where  we 
dined. 

Ripping  race  home  to  Brocas,  where  BROCK'S  fireworks  "  went 
off  "  brilliantly.  Appropriately  to  result  of  yesterday's  great  race, 
the  leading  boats  were  the  Victor}/  and  the  Prince  of  Wales. 
Father  gave  me  a  fiver  (hardly  sufficient  atonement  for  his  hat, 
though),  which  Major  at  once  wanted  to  borrow.  Not  much  I  Said 
"Good-bye"  to  people,  and  saw  them  safely  off.  Then  met  LEL 
minor  and  SKINNY.  Went  to  "  tap,"  and  recklessly  attempted  the 
"Long  Glass."  Back  to  my  dame's  at  11  P.M.— one  hour  after 
"lock-up."  Let  us  eat,  drink,  and  be  merry  to-day,  for  to-morrow 
we are  swished.  Floreat  Etona  ! 


28R 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNK  13,  1896. 


JUNE  I7,  1896.1 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


287 


THE    DIFFERENCE. 


Cofchman.  "Now  THBN,  CABBY,  GET  ALONG,  WILL  YBB  1" 

Cabby.  "  WHY,  WHAT  's  YOUR  'URIIY  ?     You  AIN'T  PAID  sr  IHE  JOB  !  " 


OUR  DERBY  PROPHECY. 

WHERE  be  your  Prophets  now  ?  And  where  be  yonr  "  Profits,"  if 
you  did  not  avail  yourselves  of  the  Tip  par  excellence  given  in 
Mr.  Punch's  Derby  Cartoon  last  "Wednesday  ?  Oracles  are  for  the 
wise,  and  it  not  a  veil,  a  Derby  Day  veil,  a  part  of  the  Prophet's 
attire  ?  Was  not  H  R  H  's  Persimmon  evidently  Mr.  Punch's  "  tip  " 
as  clear  as  the  noonday  sun  ?  A  prophecy  to  be  read  by  those  who 
ran,  or  who  were  interested  in  the  runner*.  Mr.  Punch  t»kes  this, 
his  earliest  opportunity,  of  heartily  c  jngratulating  H.RH.  on  the 
most  popular  event  of  the  year.  Winners,  on  this  ocoa-i  >n,  w  jn  with 
addition  il  pleasure,  and  loser*  felt  their  losses  less.  Wrote  "  PAVO" 
in  the  Morning  Post :  "  Sj  far  as  the  lip  was  roicerned.  Punch's 
remarkable  cartoon,  with  its  admiration  of  the  Prince  of  WALES  as 
'  a  good  spMtsman,'  in  '  wishing  him  luck  on  his  first  Derby,'  will 
go  down  to  posterity  as  one  of  the  most  triumphant  predictions  ever 
published."  Wasn't  it  evident  to  the  astute  Reader  of  Riddles  that 
there  was  a  "  Purse  "  in  Persimmon  f 


The  Onus  of  Obstruction. 
(By  any  Party  Politician.) 

OBSTRUCTION  for  our  side  hath  no  seduction ; 

For  when  we  're  out  it  is  not  called  Obstruction  1 
When  we  are  in  Obstruction  blares  and  bellows, 

Bat  then  the  fault  is  with— th>se  other  fellows  I 


QUESTION  FOB  NEXT  YE AB.— Cannot  the  "  Royal  Military  Tourna- 
ment "  be  put  under  the  management  of  Sir  DBUBIOLANUS,  and  be 
brought  up  to  Olympia  or  Earl's  Court  ?  Or  why  could  there  not  be 
a  big  circus  temporarily  erected  for  the  show  in  Regent's  Park  ? 

As  MIGHT  BK  EXPECTED.— Mr.  BABLOW,  the  new  Member  for  the 
Frome  Division,  owes  his  election  entirely  to  the  popularity  of  his 
pupils,  Messrs.  SANDFOBD  and  MEBTON. 


LOBD  DPFFEBIN'B  FABEWELL  SONG. — "  Parigi  O  Cara!" 


ESSENCE   OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTBACTED   FfiOM   THE   DIABT   OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  June  1. — Back  after  Whitsun 
holidays ;  at  least  some  four  or  five  score  of  us.  The  SQUIRE  still 
lingers  at  Malwopd  amid  the  other  June  roses.  PRINCE  ARTHUR 
looked  in  at  question  time  ;  as  soon  as  light  railways  were  brought 
into  station,  got  himself  shunted.  Quiet,  business-like  sitting  tem- 
pered by  CALDWF.LL.  Began  to  count  number  of  speeches  he  made  ; 
providentially  fell  asleep  midway  in  computation.  When  I  awoke 
CALDWELL  was  moving  to  insert  in  Clause  4  "  when  required  in  the 
interests  of  agriculture." 

Principal  attraction  found  on  the  Terrace.  Transformation  scene 
in  one  respect.  ROBBBT,  who  used  sometimes  to  bring  you  i  he  tea 
you  had  ordered  but  generally  to  take  it  to  someone  else,  has  been  super- 
seded. In  his  place  trips  neat-handed  PHYLLIS  in  black  frock,  white 
apron,  and  spotless  cambric  cap.  HENRY  HqwoaTH  gloomily  surveys 
scene  from  doorway.  Nothing  will  induce  him  to  cross  the  threshold, 

"  What  we  are  coming  to,"  he  said  in  muffled  tones,  "I  really 
don't  know.  The  other  day  we  had  women  in  possession  of  West- 
minster Hall.  To-night  they  swarm  the  Terrace.  One  thing  I  am 
grateful  for  is  that  my  old  friend  and  companion  dear,  DICKY 
TEMPLE,  hasn't  lived  to  see  this  day.  Of  course  I  mean  lived  in  a 
Parliamentary  sense.  Outside  the  House  he's  younger,  handsomer, 
and  more  vigorous  than  ever ;  ready  to  succeed  ELGIN  at  Calcutta 
and  Simla,  if  the  MABKISS  insists.  Anyhow  he 's  out  of  Parliament, 
and  a  happy  man  at  that.  This  engagement  of  waitresses  on  the 
Terrace  is  opening  the  door  of  the  Bouse  itself  to  the  thin  end  of  the 
wf  dge  of  Female  Suffrage.  Shall  go  off  and  write  letter  to  Times  on 
subject.  Haven't  given  them  anything  lately." 

As  for  Colonel  MASK,  uncle  (on  the  Coldstream  Guard  side)  of 
FBANK  LOCKWOOD,  Q.C.,  he  sat  at  a  table  all  by  himself,  surveying 
the  scene  which  owed  its  inception  to  his  fertile  brain,  its  execution 
to  his  discriminating  hand.  With  new  cork  hat  pushed  to  mira- 
colous  angle  at  b»ck  of  his  head,  he  sat,  a  wan  smite  flickering  over 
countenance  of  scholarly  pallor. 

"  On  occasions  like  this,  TOBY,  dear  boy,"  he  said,  "  prose  won't  do 
for  me.  I  nnut  drop  into  poetry.  Don't  be  afraid.  Under  new 


288 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  13,  1896, 


Kitchen  Commit'ee  regulations  no  extra  charge.  0  Woman," 
h«  continued,  reverentially  removing  the  cork  hat,  without 
•which  he  never  ventures  to  cross  the  Channel — 

11 0  Woman,  in  our  hour  of  ease 
Uncertain,  coy,  and  hard  to  please, 
Come,  brave  the  cooling  Terrace  bree/e, 
And  serve  our  five  o'clocker  teas." 

Business  done, — Light  Railways  advanced  along  report 
stage  ;  rate  not  exceeding  eight  miles  an  hour. 

Tuesday. — Cap' en  TOMMY,  marooned  in  the  early  Forties 
on  an  island  in  the  Coreican  Archipelago,  wore  through  the 
weary  hours  by  mastering  the  Italian  tongue.  Comes  in 
useful  now ;  enables  him  to  master  contents  of  Green  Book 
issued  by  Italian  Government,  setting  forth  communications 
passing  between  the  MARK  iss  and  Italian  Foreign  Office  on 
subject  of  Soudan.  Apparently  only  two  copies  of  precious 
volume  in  London.  The  CAP'EN  has  one  stowed  in  his  ham- 
mock ;  GEOBGE  CUBZON  spends  his  nights  and  days  at  Foreign 
Office  studying  the  oth«r.  CAP'EN  to-night  paid  out  long 
cable  of  questions  culled  from  Green  Book.  JOHN  MOBLEY, 
DILKE,  and  SAGE  OF  QOTEN  ABNE'S  GATE  chimed  in.  These 
easily  put  on  one  Bide.  At  least  they  haven't  got  the  Green 
Book,  and  ppeak  only  by  hearsay.  The  CAP'FN  literally 
epeaks  by  the  book.  No  more  shaking  him  oil:  than  was 
found  possible  by  the  wedding  guest  in  the  case  cf  another 
Ancient  Mariner. 

The  Under  Secretary  could  not  choose  bat  hear.  Some 
choice  left  him  in  matter  of  answering  questions.  Elected 
to  make  none,  or  hardly  any.  Scene  dosed  with  vague 
impression  that  there  is  something  wrong  at  the  Foreign 
Office;  that  the  A'  ray  a  of  Cap'en  TOMMY  s  remaining  eye 
have  pierced  the  veil;  that  the  MABHISS  ha  sheen  thrown 
into  a  state  of  extreme  nervous  unrest ;  and  that  even 
GEOBGE  CTJBZON'S  imperturbability  has  been  punctured  as  if 
it  w*ra  merely  a  pneumatic  tyre. 

"  I  wonder  at  you,  of  all   men,  CAP'EN,"   said  SABK. 

You  have  your  little  flare-ups  from  time  to  time ;  but 
you  sit  behind  your  leaders,  and  are  too  old  a  salt  not  to 
know  the  respect  due  to  the  Admiral.  Remember  I  was 
once  staying  down  at  Middle  Hall,  in  Worcestershire,  with 
old  friend  THOMAS  PHILLIPPS.  Going  through  his  library, 
he  showed  me  precious  fifteenth-century  manuscript,  being 
the  Itinerarium  of  AMBBOSITTS  CAMALDTTLENSIS.  The  manu- 
script is,  in  the  main,  written  in  Latin.  But,  as  Sir  THOMAS 
pointed  out,  when  the  learned  General  of  the  Camalduli 
monks  came  to  record  the  peccadilloes  of  minks  or  nuns  of  his  own 
order,  he  wrote  in  G/eek.  Do  you  see  the  pretty  moral  that  underlies 
this  story?  and  don't  you  think  it  is  applicable  to  conduct  of  a 
good  Minute rialist  ?  " 

The  CAP'EN'S  eye,  which,  long-sc  inning  the  ocean,  has  taken  on  a 
shade  of  its  o<  lour  and  assumed  some  of  its  depfh,  glistened 

"  I  see,"  he  said,  rubbing  the  side  of  his  nose  with  the  hook  that 
better  serves  him  "hau  an  ordinary  man's  right  hand.  "  But  Greek 
wouldn't  suif.  the  tack  I  'm  sailing,  so  I  haven't  st  wed  any." 

Business  done. — Light  Railways  through  Committee. 

Thursday. — Who  was  it  of  whom  the  poet  remarked  that  he  was 

Problematically  pious,  but  indubitably  drunk  ? 

No  one  in  the  House  of  Commons,  I  'm  sure,  whether  big  or  little, 
having  cathedral  connections,  or  chumming  in  chapel.  Line  recurs 
to  BARK'S  inconsequential  mind  as  he  yawns  through  the  slow  hours, 
and  from  time  to  time  awakes  to  the  conclusion  that  the  House  is 
problematically  busy,  hot  indubitably  dull.  Light  Railways  on 
again.  Started  very  well  with  RITCHIE  in  guard's  van.  Atiirst 
seemed  as  if  it  would  reach  terminus  "on  time,"  as  they  say  in  the 
United  States.  At  junction  with  Clause  13  line  blocked:  for 
more  than  hour  train  didn't  advance  a  yard.  Steam-whistle  blown 
for  Closure ;  no  notice  taken  by  signalman  in  box  at  table.  Another 
long  wait;  steam-whistle  on  again;  this  time  signal  answered; 
points  closed ;  train  moved  on — to  be  blocked  again,  and  so  laid  up 
for  the  night,  with  destination  still  far  off. 

"Talk  about  your  Big  Wheel,"  said  RITCHIE;  "it's  quite  a 
revolving  cataclysm  compared  with  toying  to  work  an  innocent  Bill 
through  this  House  now  the  Opposition,  having  tasted  blood  at  an 
all-night  sitting,  have  won  two  seats  at  bye-eleotioas.  If  these 
things  are  done  in  the  dry  of  a  Light  Railway  BUI,  what  will  it  be 
in  the  green  of  the  Education  Bill  ?  " 

Lighting  his  short  black  clay,  doffing  his  lantern  with  a  jerk,  and 
muttering  an  unparliamentary  remark  about  the  early  time  at  which 
workmen's  trains  on  the  Underground  are  knocked  off,  the  irate 
guard  set  off  on  his  weary  walk  home. 

Business  done. — Light  Railways  Bill  blocked  again. 

Friday.  —  Chairman  of  Committee  on  Private  Bills  wandering 
about  House  in  forlornist  mood.  Looks  as  if  he  had  lost  his  way 
down  one  of  the  hills  that  girdle  far-off  Fingen.  SA.BK  says  he  is 


Adjutant.  " HULLO,  WHAT'S  THIS?  WHAT  DO  YOU  MEAN  ur  APPEASING 
IN  A  PASHKD  POT  HAT?" 

Volunteer  (coolly).  "FACT  is,  I'VE  NO  OTHKR,  AS  MY  WIFE  MADE  A  MUFF 
OF  MY  But* BY  I " 


huffed  abuut  that  hat.  It  is  his  business  to  be  in  attendance  every 
day  at  three  o'clock.  Takes  seat  on  Treasury  Bench.  Clerk  reads 
out  list  of  Private  Bills.  FINGEN,  making  response,  lifts  his  hat 
and  says,  "  To-morrow,"  "Thursday,"  "  Monday,"  or  whatever  day 
may  be  fixed  for  further  procedure.  This  all  verv  well  once  m  a 
way  ;  but  to  go  on  day  after  day  through  a  list  <  f  Bills  as  long  as  a 
mountain  path  tells  upon  a  bat,  however  stout  the  brim.  At  begin- 
ning of  Session  proposal  talked  of  that  provision  should  be  made  in 
CivU  Service  Estimates  for  two  new  hats  per  Session  for  Private  Bill 
Committee  Chairman.  Nothing  came  of  it,  not  even  a  Glengarry. 

"  Bother  the  hat !  "  laid  FINGEN,  with  petulance  unusual  in  man 
of  angelic  temperament. 

"Ah,"  said  SABK,  watching  him  as  he  went  down  the  corridor, 
the  library  and,  losing  his  way,  straying  into  the 
I  know  what  it  is.  It 's  LOWTHEB.  Palled  him 


meaning 
newspaper  room 


I  I  ti  TT  C^_/«.| 'C  1     IWllAt  -I-      AIJASYT        TT  U.I*  V     A  V     *»•  *  w      P*    —  •«•    ••   — ^ f 

up,  you  know,  the  other  night  when  he  was  discoursing  on  Light 
Railways  Bill ;  warned  him  of  irrelevance ;  finally  ordered  him  to 
resume  his  seat.  Nice  position  this  for  Chairman  of  Private  Bills 
Committee.  Worse  than  the  beasts  of  the  fieK  Dog  won't  eat 
dog,  but  Chairman  of  Committee  of  Ways  and  Means  is  not  above 
trampling  upon  Chairman  of  Committee  on  Private  Bills.  No  wonder 
FINGEN  's  upset."  Business  done. — In  Committee  of  Supply. 


Rhyme  on  the  Relief  Bill. 
(By  Mr.  Ch-pl-n.) 

I  FOUDLY  hoped  sweet  Frome  would  say 

"  For  this  Relief  much  thanks  1 " 
Bat  no !  Frome  coldly  turns  away, 

And-  joins  the  ROSEBEBY  ranks  I 
Alas !  that  any  Bill  of  mine 
Should  help  to  swell  that  "  thin  Rad  line" 

A  PCZZLEB,— "For  the  life  of  me,"  exclaimed  Mr.  MATIKEW 
MUDDEL,  "I  cannot  understand  what  the  'Christy  Minstrelsy'  can 
have  to  do  with  foreign  politics."  Nor  did  it  seem  clear  to  anyone 
until  some  person  more  enlightened  than  the  others  suggested  that 
for  Christy  Minstrelsy  should  be  substituted  "the  CKIBPI  Ministry." 
"  Of  course  I "  said  MUDDEL  ;  "  that 's  it." 


JUNE  20,  1896.1 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


289 


A  FALSTAFFIAN  THEE  IN  THE  HAYMARKET, 

AS  SEEN  BY  RONTGEN  EATS 

ROUNDABOUT  EEADINGS. 

"ADVENTURES  iw  OBITICISM." 

OCCASIONALLY,  when  I  have  been  suffering:  from  ihe  terrible  re- 
action caused  by  reading  a  bad  book,  a  fearful  temptation  'has 
assailed  me.  Something,  not  myself,  that  makes  for  righteousness 
(or,  to  use  Mr.  HALL  CAINE'S  word,  for  rightnesp),  seems  then  to 
whisper  to  me,  "  take  your  pen  in  your  hand,  seclude  yourself  from 
the  world  and  its  pleasures,  and  write  a  compendium  or  dictionary 
of  bad  books.  Thus  shall  you  profit  the  public,  and  gain  for  your- 
self favour  and  an  immortal  fame."  So  the  tempter  whispers,  but  a 
few  moments  of  reflection  banish  the  pleasant  idea  by  convincing  me 
of  the  hopelessness  of  Ihe  task. 

THERE  were  once  two  barristers-at-law,  vigorous  young  men  of  a 
high  spirit,  and  it  occurred  to  them,  as  they  divided  their  swift 
minds  now  hither  now  thither  in  search  of  piofessional  advancement, 
that  no  one  had  yet  written  a  Digest  of  Overruled  Cases,  a  dictionary, 
so  to  speak,  of  bad  law.  So  they  set  to  work,  secured  a  kindly  pub- 
lisher, and  in  the  space  of  three  years  produced  a  monumental  work, 
in  which  they  brought  together  in  a  convenient  shape  the  decided 
cases  which  a  later  and  more  enlightened  judicial  opinion  had 
robbed  of  authority  and  consigned  to  destruction.  By  an  ingenious 
application  of  the  method  known  to  racing  men  as  "  Form  at  a 
Glance,"  you  were  enabled  to  see  how  a  case  had  run  in  public  since 
it  was  foaled  up  to  the  moment  when,  broken  down  and  decrepit,  it 
had  been  dismissed  by  an  elaborate  dictum  of  Rhadamanthus,  Chan- 
cellor, to  the  knacker's  yard.  On  the  analogy  of  this  Digest  I 
figured  to  myself  a  Digest  of  Disapproved  Books,  and  my  mind,  pur- 
suing the  pleasant  imagination,  seemed  Jo  see  some  such  entry  as 
the  following : — 

"  THE  SATANIST'S  SUICIDE,  3  vols.,  189 — .  Commented  on  by  daily 
press  passim ;  reviewed  by  GRANT  ALLEN  ;  disapproved  by  ANDREW 
LANG,  '  a  book  that  might  have  amused  the  fast  moments  of  an 
Aztec  on  his  way  to  1he  sacrificial  stone,  and  might  still  satisfy  a 
F>jian's  yearnings  for  culture ; '  finally  overruled  by  A.  T.  QUILLER 
COUCH." 

Bur  the  task,  as  I  said,  is  hopeless,  and  I  had  always  to  abandon  it. 
It  were  otherwise  if  we  appointed  our  critics  as  we  do  our  judges,  if, 


for  instance,  Mr.  ANDREW  LANG,  by  public  decree,  duly  printed  in 
the  Gazette,  were  one  fine  day  to  be  promoted  to  a  seat  on  the  Bench 
of  the  High  Court  of  Literary  Justice,  with  a  proper  emolument  and 
any  amount  of  ermine.  I  can  picture  the  scene.  Lord  Chief  Justice 
LANG  would  take  his  seat  on  the  morning  after  hi«  appointment,  and 
the  Attorney-General  of  Literature— the  editor,  let  us  say.  of  the 
Weekly  Mentor — would  rise  in  his  place,  and,  in  a  few  well-chosen 
words,  congratulate  the  judge  on  his  appointment,  recalling  the  days 
when,  as  young  men,  they  had  struggled  side  by  side  in  many  a 
hard-fought  review.  Mr.  RICHARD  LE  GALLIEITNE  would  add  his 
congratulation*  on  behalf  of  the  Junior  Bar.  and,  without  any 
further  formality,  the  new  Chief  Justice  would  immediately  proceed 
to  dispose  of  the  first  book  on  his  list. 

THIS,  however,  being  a  mere  dream  of  authority,  we  must  content 
ourselves  with  the  best  substitutes  we  can  devis«.  Therefore  I 
welcome,  with  all  proper  cordiality,  Mr.  A.  T.  QUILLER  COUCH'S 
Adventures  in  Criticism,  lately  published  by  CASSELL  &  Co.  If  I 
should  ever,  for  my  pins,  be  compelled  to  draw  up  a  list  of  "  Books 
that  have  done  me  gocd,"  I  should  keep  a  very  high  place  for  this 
delightful  book.  It  has  sanity,  tolerance,  and,  above  all,  a  fresh  and 
abundant  spring  of  humour.  With  a  light  and  graceful  touch, 
Mr.  QUILLER  COUCH  ranges  from  CHAUCER  to  THOMAS  CAREW,  thence 
to  M.  ZOLA,  and  so  on  to  the  "  Attitude  of  the  Public  towards  Letters," 
to  Mr.  ANTHONY  HOPE,  Mr.  DU  MAURIEE,  and  Mr.  FRANK  STOCK- 
TON. His  air  is  so  gay,  his  conversation  so  agreeabR  his  whole 
manner  so  affable,  that  you  needs  must  follow  where  this  easy^and 
attractive  guide  leads  you,  thanking  your  good  fortune  that  gave  you 
so  charming  a  companion. 

LET  it  not  be  assumed  from  anything  that  I  have  said  at  the 
outset  of  this  paper  that  Mr.  QUILLER  COUCH  assumes  an  Athanasian 
attitude  towards  his  authors.  On  the  contrary,  he  is  apt  to  praise — 
but  to  praise  with  discrimination.  I  do  not  always  agree  with  him. 
For  instance,  I  doubt  if  he  is  fair  to  CALVERLET,  and  to  others  I  am 
convinced  that  he  is  more  than  fair.  But  as  to  CALVEBLEY,  I  confess 
that  I  distrust  my  own  judgment  as  an  infallible  guide ;  for  a  youth- 
ful enthusiasm  leaves  its  traces  in  maturity,  and  the  grown  man 
shrinks  from  depreciating  that  which  delighted  him  as  a  boy.  For 
me  CALVERLEY  is  unapproachable,  not  merely  when  I  think  of  him 
as  a  writer  of  light  verse  of  the  most  extraordinary  finish  and  felicity, 
but  also  when  I  remember  his  beautiful  vereion  of  THEOCRITUS. 


STILL,  even  when  one  disagrees  with  Mr.  QUILLER  COUCH,  one 
disagrees  with  hesitation,  and  a  moment  afterwards  disagreement 
is  certain  to  give  place  to  a  hearty  assent.  After  reading  his  book  I 
feel  as  if  I  had  cleared  my  mind  of  all  manner  of  humbug  and 
nonsense.  There  is  more  sound  sense  in  (to  take  only  two  instances) 
"  The  Attitude  of  the  Public  towards  Letters"  and  <rThe  Poor  Little 
Penny  Dreadful"  than  in  all  the  pompous  and  magistral  sermonising s 
that  pps  for  criticism  with  the  great  Public,  and  are  afterwards 
republished  and  forsrotten.  Without  wishing  to  tread  upon  the 
dangerous  ground  of  comparison,  I  may  say  that  Mr.  QUILLER 
COUCH'S  eesays  produce  upon  mv  mind  a  sort  of  mixed  effect  of 
HAZLITT  and  CHARLES  LAMB.  He  has  something  of  the  penetrating 
directness  of  the  ^ne  and  not  a  little  of  the  whimsical  playfulness  of 
the  other.  And  he  has  bis  own  qualities  peculiar  to  himself  which 
make  his  writings  a'pleasure. 

DARBY  JONES  ON  THE  ROYAL  HUNT  CUP. 

HONOURED  SIR, — Despite  the  fact  that  no  cheques  or  postal  orders 
have  rewarded  my  singular  talent  in  discovering  the  Royal  winner  of 
the  Derby,  obedient  to  your  command  I  venture  to  place  before  you 
and  your  readers  an  inkling,  written  in  pencil,  as  to  the  successful 
candidate  for  the  Hunt  Cnp  at  Ascot.  Here  it  is : — 

"  At  Ascot  I  'm  a  Mascot, 
Don't  quarrel  with  the  Easter  boon  I  tip, 
Though  I  own  a  sheep's  condition 
May  du  close  the  imposition 
Of  a  quack  who  can't  a  young-old  man  outstrip." 

In  the  above  Homeric  lines  you  have,  I  fancy,  the  essence  of  this 
great  event  faithfully  Liebigged.  Hearing  that  you  have,  since  the 
Epsom  victory,  been  feeding  your  dog  Toby  on  mutton  chops,  while 
regaling  yourself  with  magnums,  not  m  parvo,  I  take  leave  to 
remind  you  that  crumbs  from  the  table  of  DIVES  are  not  despised  by 
Your  obedient  Servant,  DARBY  JONES. 


"  A  Case  for  the  Victoria  Cross." 

ON  Wednesday,   June  10,  "The  Contents  Bill"  of    the  Daily 
Telegraph  had  the  following  announcement, — 
CAPTURE  OP  SUARDEH 
BY  OUR  WAR  CORRESPONDENT. 
Alone  he  did  it !  I    Shall  such  daring  bravery  go  unrewarded  ? 


VOL.  ex 


cc 


290 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  20,  1896. 


ROSEBERIGO   THE    ANTI-TORYADOR. 

[  "  Lord  ROSEBERY  has  cime  back  from  Spain  in  capital  spirits.  .  .  .    The  ex-Premier  will  address  a  great  Liberal  Meeting  in  London 
before  the  end  of  the  present  month." —  Wettmintter  Gazette  June  10  J 


JUNE  20,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


291 


A  BALLADE  OF  FASHION. 

(By  an  unwilling  Votary.) 

AWAY  from  here,  among  the  flowers, 

By  quiet  country  hedge-rows  trim, 
Would  I  might  roam  away  the  hours, 

All  unregarding  Fashion's  whim. 
But  throttled  in  her  clutches  grim, 

I  saunter  stiffly  down  the  Row — 
Confound  my  collar's  iron  rim  I 

Ilfaut  souffrir  pour  etre  beau. 

I  love  to  wander,  head  all  bare, 

On  mountain  fell,  across  the  flat, 
To  feel  the  breezes  kiss  my  hair, 

Or  storm-winds  twine  it  in  a  mat. 
But  my  poor  head  has  Fashion  gat 

Fast  in  her  vice,  where'er  I  go- 
Confound  my  thrice  accurst  top-hat  I 

Ilfaut  souffrir  pour  etre  beau. 

A  "-social  function  "  might  have  grace 

But  for  the  jostle  and  the  squeeze, 
The  Park  might  he  a  pleasant  place, 

Could  people  dress  as  just  they  please. 
If  one  might  tit  beneath  the  trees, 

Bareheaded,  flannelled,  cool ! — but  no, 
To  slaves  of  Fashion  farewell  ease, 

Ilfaut  souffrir  pour  etre  beau. 

Envot. 
This  truth  comes  borne  with  ball  and  rout, 

At  Lords,  at  Ascot,  in  the  Row — 
By  night  and  day,  in  doors  and  out, 

//  faut  souffrir  pour  etre  beau. 


PABTICULAB  TO  A  SHADE. —  They  call 
the  SULTAN  "  The  Shadow."  8  >lid  JOHN 
BULL  does  not  desire  to  be  considered 

the  Vakt  of  the  Shadow." 


THK  GBEATEST  RKIIEF  TO  A  PABCHED 
THBOAT.— Lemon- aid. 


WHO  TO  ASK  ABOUT  CABPETS. — Why, 
ax-Minster,  of  course  1 

THE  Bo  WEB  or  PERFECT  BLISS.—  Kew 
Vicirau-e. 


ONE    WAY   OF   STOPPING    HIM. 


"  HAIB  VERT.  DRV,  SIK  1 " 
"Yas,    TBS.     Doo  TOR'S    OBDERS. 

DRV.      GOUTV  TENDENCY  I  " 


EVERYTHING 


A  CASE  OF  CONSCIENCE. 

THE  "Nonconformist  Conscience"  cynics 

chaff, 

And  its  vagaries  sometime*  raise  a  laugh 
In  minds  that  no  mere  mockeries  care  to 

fling. 
But  the  Conformist  Conscience  —  curious 

phrase  I—  [praise, 

An  honeit  mind  can  neither  blame  nor 

Because — there  is,  and  can  be,  no  such 

thing  I  [fiction. 

A  conscience  that  conforms  ?  'Tis  a  mere 
Non  est  in  fact,  in  terms  a  contradiction  I 
For  conscience  that  conforms— to  power 

stronger, 
Or    practice    popular— conscience    is   no 

longer. 

A  PLEA  FOR  PROOF-CORRECTORS. 

["  Proof-correctors  are  a  race  to  whom 
authors  have  constantly  expressed  indebtedness. 
.  .  .  Efforts  are  now  being  made  to  endow  a 
second  pension  for  widows  of  proof-correctors, 
in  connection  with  the  Printers'  Alms-house 
and  Orphan  Asylum." — Daily  Chronicle.'] 

INDEBTEDNESS  ?     Yes  I     Where  's   the 

scribe  who  won't  bless. 
Like  BBOWNING,  the  service  extreme 

which  they  render  ? 
How  many  a  "masterpiece"  were  a  mere 

mess 
But  for  that  true  Argus,  so  vigilant, 

tender  Y 
"Proofs  before  letters"  may  fetch  a  big 

Erice, 
jtters  before  proofs  "  (and  sharp 
proof-correctors) 

Would  go  at  a  discount.   If  Genius  is  nice 
'Twill  acknowledge — and  back  up— its 

own  best  protectors ; 

And  even  mere  talent  contribute  its  mite 
To  that  pension  for  widows,  deserving 

as  any, 
Mr.  Punch,  too,  will  sse  that  fund  swell 

with  delight 

By  many  a  "  Gratitude's  true  Golden 
Penny ! " 


A  CLASSICAL  FRAGMENT. 

["A  fresh  inscription  has  just  been  discovered  at  Delphi  giving  circum- 
stantial details  concerning  the  method  of  training  the  various  competitors 
at  the  ancient  Olympic  Games." — St.  James's  Gazette.] 

WE  are  enabled  to  furnish  our  readers  with  an  early  translation 
of  such  nortions  of  the  inscription  as  are  legible. 

...  Wherefore  not  only  by  those  who  drive  the  chariots,  but  also 
by  those  contending  in  foot-races,  is  it  necessary  that  certain  and 
fixed  laws  be  observed,  else  not  first,  but  rather  oehind  the  others, 
will  their  feet  bring  them  to  the  wished- for  goal.  When  earliest 
rosy-fingered  morning  touches  the  skies,  they  shall  leave  the  couch 
and  perform  the  lustrations  that  are  seemly.  Concerning  these 
ablutions,  moreover,  let  them  use  the  washing- tablets  of  one  maker 
only,  taking  pains  that  the  report  of  their  to  doing  be  noised  abroad. 
For  then  that  maker,  being  not  unapt  at  advertisement,  will  furnish 
them  with  his  best,  no  return  of  drachmae  having  been  asked,  espe- 
ciallr  if  they  be  athletes  of  widespread  fame.  Thereafter  let  them 
breakfast,  eating  the  flesh  of  the  hinder  part  of  oxen,  not  overmuch 
cooked.  .  .  . 

Very  much  especially  indeed  is  it  necessary  that  they  inhale  not 
the  smoke  of  herbs,*  which  at  other  times  indeed  is  comforting  ;  but 
for  those  who  are  being  trained  pernicious  above  all  else.  Let  them 
take  warning  by  the  fate  of  that  Argive  youth  of  whom  HEBODOTUS 
makes  mention,  who  on  the  eve  of  the  race  in  which  he  was  to  row, 
himself  the  eighth,  against  the  Academy  of  Athens,  was  detected  by 
his  instrt  ctor  breathing  the  smoke  of  the  dew  of  Hymettus.t  Being, 
as  it  weit-  taken  in  the  act,  he  prayed  for  pity,  alleging  that  he  did 
bat  cherish  his  pipe  in  honour  of  Pan.  "  Ungrateful  and  wicked 
wretch  I  "  replied  his  master  •  "  listen  to  my  words."  .  .  .  J  So  they 
buried  the  youth  amid  much  lamentation,  more  especially  from  those 
who  had  staked  their  obols,  for  the  crew  from  Athens  conquered  by 

*  This  passage  finally  disposes  of  RALEIGH'S  absurd  claim  to  have  been 
the  discoverer  of  tobacco, 
t  Evidently  an  early  kind  of  "  honey-dew." 
J  It  is  impossible  to  translate  the  awful  language  whieh  occurs  here. 


the  length  of  many  boats.    By  this  example,  then,  let  warning  be 
taken. . . . 

It  is  the  part  of  the  wise  man  to  treat  all  his  neighbours  with  kind- 
ness, but  most  of  all  those  who  are  to  serve  as  jadsres  in  the  race 
wherein  he  runs.  Some  there  are  who  complain  of  this  practice, 
alleging  that  it  is  unjust.  Bat  the  illustrious  SOCRATES  has  proved 
it_to  be  otherwise,  for,  as  he  says,  we  offer  sacrifices  to  the  gods  to 
win  their  favour,  so  that  we,  rather  than  our  antagonists,  may  succeed 
in  our  bqsiness.  Why  then  should  we  not  give  gifts  to  the  umpires, 
who  are  indeed  in  the  place  of  the  gods  at  the  Games,  and  award  the 
prizes  to  those  whom  they  think  fit  ?  Wherefore  it  is  good  that  the 
runner  offer  sacrifices  of  drink  to  the  umpire,  and  so,  perchance, 
even  if  he  arrive  last  at  the  goal,  all  his  rivals  will  be  disqualified. . . . 

Concerning  those  who  contend  with  clubs  and  ball,  care  is  needful 
that  they  be  trained  to  speak  discreetly,  not  allowing  words  winged 
with  anger  to  fly  from  their  tongue.  For  indeed  it  is  a  shameful 
thing  for  a  man  to  speak  unseemly  things  because,  the  earth  having 
been  seventeen  times  smitten  with  the  club,  the  ball  remains  in  the 
bushes.  Rather  let  him  pursue  his  way  in  the  silence  of  the 
philosopher,  perchance  sacrificing  one  or  two  of  those  who  bear 
clubs,  §  to  appease  the  wrath  of  the  gods.  Nor  let  these  competitors 
be  allowed,  as  the  manner  of  some  is,  to  bewail,  on  their  return,  the 
great  misfortunes  which  have  brought  them  defeat,  or  the  excelling 
skill  which  has  gained  them  the  victory.  For  those  who  thus  talk, 
let  hemlock  be  mingled  with  the  evening  drink. 

Aa  to  the  throwing  of  the  disc,  and  other  sports  . . . 
[The  fragment  ends  abruptly  at  this  point.] 

§  Perhaps  "  caddies." 


LAST  WEEK'S  LATEST  AND  VERY  BEST  NEWS. — "  So  well  did  Sir 
JOHN  MIXLAIS  appear  yesterday  morning  that  it  was  decided  to  issue 
cne  more  bulletin  and  then  drop  them." — Times,  Saturday,  June  13. 

JACK  AND  THE  BEANSTALK. — Sir  JOHN  GOBST  on  his  scarlet 
runner. 


292 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI, 


[JUNE  20,  1896. 


OLD   THYME   AND    ROSEMARY. 

MESSES.  PAKKEH  AND  CABSON'S  Rosemary  is  not  as  strong  as  Mr. 
PINEHO'S  Sweet  Lavender ;  yet  'tis  a  very  pretty  play.  The  authors' 
delineation  of  the  central  figure  gives  just  that  sweat-homely  (a  com- 
pound adjective,  somewhat  suggestive  of  "  sweet  omelette")  and 
peculiarly  English  domestic  flavour  to  the  dish  which  has  rarely  ever 
been  known  to  fail  in  its  effect  on  the  sentiment  of  the  genuine 
English  playgoer;  and  more  especially  telling  is  it  with  the  less 
experienced  playgoer  ess.  The  craze  for  the  costume  of  the  earliest 

part  of  the  nineteenth  cen- 
tury was,  some  years  ago, 
started  by  KATE  GREBN- 
AWAT  and  RANDOLPH 
CALDECOTT,  and  has  long 
been  recognised  in  the 
Academy  as  the  happy 
hunting  grounds  of  MAR- 
CUS STONE,  BOXTGHTON,  and 
ORCHARDSON;  and  though 
by  now  the  flame  has  well- 
nigh  flickered  put,  except 
for  the  Academicians  above 
named,  yet  there  still  exists 
an  artistic  feminine  curi- 
osity, which  is  anxious  to 
learn  exactly  how  their 
grandmothers  and  great- 
grandmothers  looked  at 
eighteen  years  of  age,  when 
Her  Gracious  MAJESTY, 
now  happily  reigning,  as- 
cended the  throne.  It 
was  a  period  of  side- 
carls,  large  bonnets,  and 
short  skirts, — not  so  very 
unbecoming  a  costume, 
after  all,  if  we  are  to  judge 
by  the  appearance  of  Miss 
MARY  MOORE  as  Dorothy 
Cniickshank,  aged,  18  in 
the  year  1837.  Bat  the 
attire  of  the  young  lover  of 
that  period,  aged  21,  is 
hopalessly  absurd ;  and  if 
Dorothy  had  possessed  any 
of  the  artistic  talent  asso- 
ciated with  the  name  of 
CRUIKSHANK  ("  GEORGE  " 
of  that  ilk),  she  could  never 
have  allowed  her  intended 
to  go  about  town  in  BO 
ridiculous  a  suit  of  clothes, 
even  though  they  were  "  of 
the  period."  Just  look  at 
the  sketches  by  "  Phiz," 
and  CRUIKSUANK,  and 
others,  illustrating  the 
™,ir-  „*  "" 


Miss  Rose- Mary  Moore  in  the  Nineteens. 


earlier  works  of 
who,  it  seems,  was  at 
this    time   just  bringing 
out,  in  number*,  his  Nicholas  Nickleby. 

In  this  piece  you  have  the  costume  of  three  periods:  that  of 
the  old  people,  like  The  Naval  Captain  and  Professor  Jogram, 
both  of  whom  seem  to  belong  to  the  time  of  Commodore  Trunnion  ; 
then  that  of  Sir  Jasper,  who  is,  I  should  say,  about  twenty 
years  their  junior;  then  you  have  the  Dendy-Sadlerian  old  post- 
boy •,  and,  to  finish  up  with,  we  see  the  costumes  of  the  Queen's 
Juoilee  year,  when  there  are  French  waiters  in  London,  and  Sir 
Jasper,  a  nonogenarian  (that  is,  if  he  was  forty  years  of  age  in 
the  first  act,  the  last  act  being  fifty  years  after),  appears  in 
the  dreis  of  an  old  gentleman,  a  viveur,  quite  up  to  date.  Bat  Sir 
Jaiper  at  forty,  in  Act  I.,  seems  quite  young  enough,  in  spite  of  his 
evidently  assumed  paternal  air,  to  become  the  husband  of  Dorothy, 
aged  eighteen.  Yet  he  is  not ;  and  when  Jogram,  being  interested  in 
the  Squire's  remaining  a  bachelor,  points  this  out  to  him,  the  Squire 
perceives  that  disparity  of  years  is  a  bar  to  happiness  in  marriage, 
and  sensibly  gives  up  the  game,  subsiding,  nay,  collapsing  suddenly, 
into  "  the  fere  and  yellow."  This,  by  the  way,  is  not  the  doctrine 
of  CHARLES  DICKENS  as  set  forth  in  the  touching  episode  where  "Mr. 
Dick  fulfils  my  Aunt's  prediction."  And  here  is  exactly  where  the 
play  is  thin ;  so  thin,  that,  in  the  last  act,  it  is  whittled  away  to  nothing. 
Wow  in  this  third  act,  Sir  Jasper,  aged  90,  has  to  find,  in  a  hole  in 
the  wall,  a  piper  placed  there  by  him  fifty  years  before.  When  he 
does  come  across  it,  at  first  it  recalls  nothing,  although  the  occasion 
of  his  hiding  the  paper  was  the  event  of  his  middle  Me.  Gradually 


it  recalls  the  sprig  of  rosemary  which  Dorothy  had  divided  with 
him.  Now  a  strange  thing  happens.  Sir  Jasper  produces  the 
pocket-book  in  which  fifty  years  ago  he  has  placed  that  very 
sprig  of  rosemary,  and  which,  with  the  sprig  in  it,  he  has, 
it  must  be  aisumed,  invariably  carried  about  with  him  ;  yet, 
in  spite  of  this  ever  -  present  memento  having  been  with  him 
through  all  mortal  changes  of  coats,  fashions,  and  pocket-books, 
he  has,  up  to  this  minute,  quite  forgotten  the  unique  occasion 
when  it  was  given  him,  and  when  he,  on  the  mpetns  of  the 
moment,  purchased  the 
house  which  would  be  "in 

Serpetuam  memoriam  rei" 
a  these  circumstances, 
such  inconsistency  —  in  a 
man  who  is  not  like  The 
Headless  Man  in  any  other 
respect  save  that,  when  we 
first  see  him,  he,  from  sheer 
light-heartedness,  does  not 
trouble  himself  to  remem- 
ber names,—  is  simply  im- 
possible. Had  he  lost  the 
sprig  for  years  and  re- 
covered it,  had  the  nonce 
passed  into  other  hands, 
and  had  he  never  revisited 
it  till  this  moment,  then, 
by  some  extraordinary  in- 
spiration, the  whole  scene 
might  have  been  repro- 
duced in  his  imagination, 
or  (and  very  effective  this 
would  have  been),  in  a 
dream,  as  he  sat  there,  the 
solitary  viveur,  Marius 
among  the  ruins  of  a  dead 
past,  the  touching  scene 
could  have  been  re-enacted. 
In  fact,  the  action  of  the 
play  just  barely  developes 
a  hint  of  an  excellent  idea 
which  might  have  been  "  so 
infinitely  better  expressed.  ' 
The  acting  all  round 
leaves  nothing  to  be  de- 
sired. CHARLES  WYNDHAM 
is  at  bis  best.  Miss  MOORE 
is  charming.  Mr.  BISHOP, 
wonderful;  and  Mr.  BARNES 
as  stolid  as  could  be  wished. 
Miss  ANN  IK  HUGHES  is  de- 
lightfully fresh  in  a  bright 
bit  of  character  that  recalls 
her  excellent  performance 
of  the  youthful  grand- 
ni'eoe  of  the  ancient 
Waterloo  veteran  at  the 
Wellington  Street  Theatre  :  while  Miss  CARLOTTA  ADDISON  gives  us 
a  quaintly  pretty  study  for  an  early-nineteenth-century  picture. 
Messrs.  PARKER  and  CAKSON  may  be  quite  satisfied  with  the  result 
of  their  work,  and  as  "  the  young  person  "  and  the  "  reverend  gent  " 
can  see  it  without  fear  of  being  startled  out  of  their  propriety,  and, 
as  there  is  just  a  touch  of  DICKENS  in  it,  if  the  authors  interchange 
initials  and  style  themselvei  "  CAREER  and  PARSON,"  it  will  satisfy 
all  the  requirements  of  the  cue. 

Of  course  the  costumes  "  of  the  periods"  go  for  much,  picturesquely, 
towards  the  success.  Bat  it  success  in  comedy  were  to  be  dependent 
on  cortame,  what  a  fine  chance,  as  f  *r  a*  novelty  goes,  would  the 
cottumes  of  tha  Noah's  Ark  period  have,  with  the  characters  in  the 
long  Cjats  of  SHEM,  HAM,  and  JAPHET,  as  tney  still  appear  (whei 
found)  in  toy  Noah's  Arks.  Oar  artist  has  shown  Mr.  'W  YNDHAM  in 
the  "Nine-ties,"  but  as  a  fact  he  was  only  in  the  "  one-tie,"  which 
was  round  his  neck  as  usual. 

His  LORDSHIP  OF  "  WIDE-AWAKE-FIELD."—  Dr.  How,  Bishop  of 
Wakefield  (Dr.  Primrose  was  never  raised  to  this  dignity),  de- 
stroyed Mr.  THOMAS  HARDY'S  latest  book.  Was  it  his  latest,  or 
a  '  '  rather  t;x>  previous  one  "  P  No  matter,  it  was  destroyed  by  Bishop 
How.  How,  when,  and  where  destroyed,  deponent  sayeth  not.  There 
was  in  it  trop  d'Hardiesse  for  the  Bishop.  We  shall  be  glad  to  hear 
that  Dr.  ANY  How  has  made  it  up  with  the  noveLst,  and  has  said  with 
NELSON,  •'  HARDY  !  HARDY  1  Kiss  me,  HARDY  I  "  And  so,  Pax. 


"  Last  act  of  all  that  ends  this  strange, 

_.       *™£M  l"8!^!    .. 
Mr.  Wyndham  in  the  Nineties. 


A  PLICB  FOR 
Richmond. 


1  SPOONY"  COUPLES.— The  "Oil  Deer"  Park  at 


JUNE  20,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


293 


BOUNTEOUS  GUY. 

A  Song  for  Hospital  Sivnday.     After  Sir 
Walter  Scott. 

["The  founder,  THOMAS  GUY,  a  citizen  oi 
London,  and  a  bookseller  and  publisher,  invested 
his  money  so  that  for  150  years  the  income  de- 
rived from  it  was  quite  sufficient  to  carry  on  the 
great  work  he  had  devised At  hut,  how- 
ever—fifteen  years  ago— there  occurred  the  great 
fall  in  the  value  of  land,  in  which,  according  to 
the  will  of  the  founder,  the  entire  capital  be- 
queathed has  been  compulsorily  invested.  Then, 
for  the  first  time,  the  endowment  proved  insuffi- 
cient  Money  remains  our  one  indispens- 
able requirement." — The  Prince  of  Wales  at  the 
Festival  at  the  Imperial  Institute  in  aid  of  the 
Funds  of  Gtty's  Hospital.] 

Ant—"  County  Guy." 
AH  I  Bounteous  GUY,  the  hour  is  nigh, 

"When  needs,  ia  £  *.  rf.. 
Have  evil  power  to  mar  the  dower 
-  Kindly  bestowed  by  thee. 
The  land  to-day  no  more  doth  piy 

As  in  those  years  gone  by ; 
That  happy  hoar  when  first  did  flower 

Ihe  boon  of  Bounteous  GUT. 

No  thought  or  thrift  will  make  the  gift 

Do  now  its  destined  work. 
But  shall  our  hand,  for  fall  in  land, 

A  glorious  duty  shirk  ? 
True  THOMAS,  no  I    Let  bounty  flow. 

From  low  and  eke  from  high. 
And  still  fulfil  the  gracious  will 

Of  brave  and  Bounteous  GUT ! 

How  many  a  heart  hath  felt  the  smart 

Of  pain  and  anguish  less, 
Through  healing  care  long  lavished  there 

With  glorious  success ! 
How  many  a  soul,  denied  that  goal, 

Turns  with,  a  grievous  sigh. 
Too  late,  alas !  the  gates  to  pass 

Thrown  wide  by  Bounteous  GUT  I 

Though  boons  ab:und,  though  GLADSTONE'S 
fund, 

And  INGLEDEN'S  great  gift, 
Their  coffers  swell,  they  s  il  must  tell 

Of  sorry  need  and  shift. 
One  hundred  beds  for  btricken  heads, 

Reluctant,  clostd  !— and  why  P 
Because  sheer  lack  of  pence  must  slack 

The  gift  of  Bounteous  GUT  ! 

Sure  this  is  shame !    A  Royal  name, 

A  Prince's  fervent  plea, 
Have  done  their  part  to  move  the  heart 

And  stir  up  Charity. 
Think  of  the  need  !    Put  by  cold  greed  ! 

To  Buffering's  rescue  fly  I 
Say,  shall  we  siirk  the  splendid  work 

Begun  by  Bounteous  GUT  P 

The  gentle  maid  may  well  have  prayed 

The  kindly  cit  to  tear ; 
And  Beauty  hi<h  is  not  too  shy 

As  almoner  to  appear. 
The  plea  of  Love,  all  pleas  above, 

Sounds  soft  'neath  Bummer's  sky. 
Let  high  and  low  its  influence  know, 

And  second  Bounteous  GUT  I 


RESPECTFUL  SUGGESTION  TO  THE  HEIB- 
APPABEBT. — The  Evangelical  Free  Churches 
of  Rochdale,  Hey  wood  and  district  have  for- 
warded a  resolution  to  the  Prince  of  WALES, 
stating  that  "This  conference  views  the  insti- 
tution of  racing  as  a  fruitful  source  of  moral 
disease  in  this  country,  and  on  this  account 
respectfully  implores  the  Prince  of  WALES  to 
withdraw  his  powerful  patronage  from  this 
monster  institution  of  gambling  of  the  worst 
order."  Suggested  telegraphic  reply  by 
H.R.H.  "Just  won  the  Derby.  Am  de- 
lighted. Hope  to  pull  off  the  Leger." 


WHY,    NATURALLY. 

'  COOK,   OUGHT  I  TO  WRITE  SALVATION  AKMY  IN  CONVXRTXD  COU3TA8  ?  " 


POUEQUOI? 

MONSIETJB, — J'arrive,  il  y  a  quelque  temps, 
de  la  France.  Ah,  la  chere  patrie  I  Cepen- 
dant,  apres  la  doulpureuse  traversee,  je 
trouve  votre  pays  anssi  tres-cbarmant.  C'est 
gai,  c'est  riant,  votre  departement  de  Kent- 
shire.  Mais  Londre*  est  un  peu  triite.  Tine 
grande  ville  sans  boulevards !  _  Nom  d'une 
pipe,  (,-a  m'e  tonne,  car  moi  je  suis  on  ne  peut 
plus  boulevardier ! 

Eh  Men,  j'arrivai,  et  je  m'inittllai  dans 
votre  Hidparc,  la  au  coin,  oft  tout  le  monde 
se  promene  et  se  repose  pendant  lei  grandes 
chaleurs  de  1'ete  en  Anglet*rre,  entre  le 
Riding  Row  et  1'allee  <>u  les  Anglaises,  si 
be  Los  et  si  gracieuses,  mpntent  a  bioyclette, 
ce  qu'on  appelle  en  anglais  un  "  bik."  J'en- 
dossai  un  nouvel  habit  vert,  et  j'attendais 
impatiemment  le  moment  oft  j«  vendrais  le 
Time,  le  Dailygraphe,  le  Morning- Graphic, 
le  News,  le  Saint- James- Globe,  les  Extri- 
spechiales,  et  tous  les  auties  journaux  anglais 
— surtout.  Monsieur  Punch,  le  magnifique 
journal  qui  porte  votre  digneet  venerable  nom. 

J'attendais,  je  dis.  J 'attends  toujours. 
Et)  il  para  it  que  j'attendrai  encore,  lorsque 
tout  le  higlift'en  ira  a  Goodvood  et  a  Coves. 
Peut-etre  au  mois  d'aout  je  oommenoerai. 
Mais  alors — sapristi  I 

Ainsi,  Monsieur  Punch,  c'est  a  vous  que 
j'adresse  ma  petite  reclamation.  Pourquoi, 
je  vous  demande  —  pourquoi  Monsieur  le 
First  Commissionnaire  of  the  Work  fait-il 
venir  un  etranger,  qui  attendait  toujours 
une  vie  des  plus  gais  BUT  les  grands  Boule- 
vards de  Pans,  et  qui  reste  plante  la  dans  le 
Hidparc,  sans  rien  faire  et  entoure  de  palis- 
sades,  oomme  1'illustre  M.  Picnic  dans  le 
pound f 

Reoevez,  Monsieur,  I'expression  de  mes 
sentiments  les  plus  distingaes. 

LE  NOUVEATJ  KIOSQUE  DU  HEDPABC. 


THE   MOST   APPBOPBIATE   WlNNBB  OF  THE 

ASCOT  STAKES. — A.  filet. 

THINGS  NO  HIGHLANDEB  CAN  UNDEBBTAND. 
-Breaches  of  promise. 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

A  MAN  ON  A  STEAM-LAUNCH  BEWAILS  A  LOST 
COMPANION. 

UPON  the  sweet  familiar  tide, 

My  heart  goes  back  from  now  to  then ; 
I  curse  my  folly  born  of  pride 

That  makes  me  wretchedest  of  men. 
But  Hope  suggests  that  even  yet 

We  may  renew  the  long  ago, 
That  you  may  pardon  and  forget, 

That  I  may  pay  the  debt  I  owe. 

Sweet  thought  I  to  dream  that  once  again 

Together  we  shall  onward  steam, 
And,  oarsmen  treating  with  disdain, 

Ruth  madly  up  and  down  the  stream. 
For  you  1  'd  make  the  boiler  glow, 

Regardless  of  official  ire ; 
Fined  heavily,  I  think  jou  know 

I  still  should  burn  with  fiercest  fire. 

"  On !  On  I  0  launch,  you  bear  my  bride  ! " 

I  'd  cry  unto  my  Willing  craft ; 
Swift  through  the  water  she  would  glide, 

And  maledictions  leave  abaft. 
What  matter  if  the  banks  should  fall 

All  crumbled  by  our  rapid  rush  P 
What  matter  if  the  anglers  bawl 

Strange  bla* phemy  that  makes  us  blush  P 

This  unconcern  for  stranger  woes 
Befits  the  part  I  mean  to  play ; 
Shame  on  the  loon  who  feebly  rows  I—- 
The corsair  needs  a  launch  to-day  I 
You  are  not  here,  and  yet  I  feel 

The  realism,  fervent,  true- 
Tour  dainty  hand  should  turn  the  wheel, 
The  skipper  you,  and  I  the  crew  I 

That  I  was  wrong  I  own,  but  still 

You  reason  gave  for  jealous  fears ; 
'Twas  love  that  made  my  heart  grow  chill, 

'Twas  love  that  drew  your  bitter  tears. 
That  fellow  JENKINS,  low-bred  man, 

Was  cause  of  all  our  dreadful  tiff ; 
I  see  you  now By  Jove  1  /  can, 

And  JENKINS  with  you,  in  a  ekiff  I 


BOEB  OPINION.— That  Mr.  CECIL  RHODES 
used  the  Cape  as  a  cloak. 


294 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  20,  1896. 


PREMATURE. 

Mamma  (looking  at  her  watch).  "How  LATE  PAPA'S  TRAIN  is — NOT  a  YEN  YET  IN  SIGHT  I 
Molly  (after  thinking  a  while).  "  WOULD  YOU  MARRY  AGAIN,  MUMMIK  ?  " 


I  HOPE  THERE  HASN'T  BERN  AN  ACCIDENT  1 " 


'OFFICERS  ONLY."    A  VOICE  FROM  THE  RANKS. 

YEABS  ago,  Mr.  Punch,  Sir,  you  had  a  splendid  cartoon  about  two 
officers  who  had  been  turned  out  of  the  service  for  bullying  one  of 
their  mess  comrades.  It  was  in  the  days,  Sir,  when  the  Duke  hai 
just  been  nude  General  Commanding-in-Chief ;  and  since  then,  and 
if  it  comes  to  that,  before  then,  you  were,  and  have  been,  the 
truest  of  true  friends  to  the  British  soldier.  Not  only  to  Tommy  in 
the  ranks,  Sir,  but  to  the  Johnnies  in  the  ante-room.  And  we  all  of 
us  know  that.  Sir,  because  the  Regimental  Library  contains  your 
series  from  Vol.  One  to  Vol.  Oeer-a-hundred. 

And  this  being  so,  Sir,  I  take  the  liberty  to  ask  you  to  say  another 
word,  and,  if  I  am  not  confuting  expressions,  in  tie  same  direction. 
Thanks  to  the  School  Board,  I  am  a  better  hand  at  learning  than  the 
boys  who  have  passed  into  tin  Reserve,  or,  it  may  be,  iato  the 
cemetery.  Speak  the  word  in  the  same  direction,  and  show  the  way 
the  wind  blows.  Sir,  there  was  a  deal  of  bullying  fifty  years  ago, 
and  if  you  read  Truth,  you  will  find  there  seems  to  be  a  lot  of  it  flying 
about  even  now.  Last  week  as  ever  was,  Mr.  LABOUCHEBB  told,  in 
his  paper,  how  two  young  lads  belonging  to  a  light  cavalry  regiment 
were  simply  forced  out  of  their  profession  by  the  persecution  of  their 
brother  subalterns.  So  far  as  we  can  make  out,  it  was  simply  because 
they  were,  neither  of  them,  considered  rich  enough  to  Dear  the 
expenses  of  life  in  barracks.  One  of  these  lads  was  asked  where  he 
was  going  to  keep  his  hunters  a  ad  racers,  and  when  he  said  he 
didn't  intend  to  have  any,  he  was  questioned  as  to  why  and 
wherefore  he  had  joined  the  regiment.  Then,  when  the  answers 
were  considered  unsatisfactory,  his  fate  was  made  an  unhappy  one. 
He  wai  ducked  in  a  horse-pond,  and  all  his  things  were  made  into 
hay.  That  is  how  the  case  is  put,  Sir — one  surely  calling  f  JT  expla- 
nation. 

Now  Mr.  Punch,  Sir,  in  these  days,  when  the  purchase  system  is 
abolished,  and  a  lot  of  us  rankers  look  forward  to  getting  away  from 
the  canteen  into  batter  quarters,  it  i«  a  matter  of  importance  that 
those  above  us  should  not  be  only  officers  bat  gentlemen.  If  the 
only  qualification  for  the  stara  and  crowns  on  the  shoulder-straps  is 
lots  of  money,  any  prosperous  pawnbroker  (if  he  begins  early  enough) 
can  get  into  the  Army  List.  But  we  have  always  thought  that  it 


wanted  something  more  than  cash  to  earn  the  Q  uee  u's  Commission.  The 
cavalry  don't  draw  omnibuses,  so  the  force  doesn't  require  cadi  to  be 
on  the  strength  of  the  establishment.  And  as  this  is  so,  subs  win 
can't  behave  themselves  had  batter  take  to  driving  cabs,  if  the  cab- 
drivers  will  tolerate  them.  Speaking  for  myself — for  when  on 
furlough  I  now  and  again  indulge  in  a  h  insom  —I  don't  think  they 
will.  Cabby,  as  a  role,  is  a  gjod  fellow,  and  doain't  care  to  associate 
with  sweeps,  wealthy  or  otherwise. 

Well,  Mr.  Punch,  Sir.  we  know  from  your  Cartoon  what  happened 
when  the  good  old  Duke  was  at  the  Horse  Guards.  Hi*  Royal 
Highness  has  a  successor;  and,  although  there  are  many  new- 
tangle  1  wa^s  cjming  into  fashion,  tlure  should  be  no  difficulty  about 
following  the  precedent  set  nearly  half  a  century  a;o.  I  give  the 
tip  as  "  a  word  to  tha  wise  " — take  the  matter  up  to  head-quarters. 

Of  course,  Sir,  discipline  is  discipline,  and  it  is  not  for  the  likes  of 
me  to  give  orders  to  our  superiors ;  still  I  do  think  that  now  flogging 
is  abolished  as  "degrading,"  the  prestige  of  the  Sarvioe  should  be 
farther  maintained  by  allowing  the  rank-and-file  to  be  commanded, 
as  in  days  of  yore,  by  gentlemen.  So,  as  a  pretty  strong  charge  has 
been  mide,  there  should  be  a  searching  inquiry.  And  that  is  the 
opinion  of  all  of  u< — front  rank,  rear  rank,  and  supernumeraries. 

I  remaia,  Mr.  Punch.  Sir, 

Yours,  coming  smartly  to  attention, 
THOMAS  ATKINS  (Private  but  not  confidential). 

Eoe  of  Waterloo  Day,  1896. 

"WE  NEVBB  SPEAK"  UP  TO  DATE. 

Brisket  (of  the  Meat  Market,  to  Cornizzi,  of  the  Baltic^.  I 
thought  you  knew  K  RAMMER,  of  the  Stock  Exchange. 

Cornizzi.  I  did  once ;  but  now  we  are  not  on  telephoning  terms. 


Ccraious  COINCIDENCE.— It  is  announced  that  Parliament  will  rise 
about  the  middle  of  August.    So  will  the  grouse. 


PAX  IN  BELLO.— "Our  War  Correspondent"  still  reviews   the 
Egyptian  troops  in  Fleet  Street. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.- JUNK  20,  1896. 


A  TANGLED   TAIL. 


MASTER  ARTHUR  B-LF-R.  "  I  SAY,  'JOHNNY  GORST,  WE  SHALL  NEVER  GET  HER  UP  WITH  ALL  THIS  ! 
I  MUST  CUT  OFF  ABOUT  HALF  OF  HER  TAIL  !  " 


JUNE  20,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


297 


ENCORE,    SARA! 


quoth   Adrienne,  reciting  "  la 


"L'ABSENO*  ett   e  plus  grand  det  maux,"  q 

fable  des  deux  pigeons  "  ;  and,  remembering  this,  Madame  SA  HA.  returns  to  as, 
and  gives  a  short  series—  far  too  short—  of  her  host.    Her  Adrienne  comes  to  us 


COMEDY 


MADAME  SABA,  "Jusi  PASSING  THROUGH." 
"  How  do  you  do  and  good  bye !    Can't  stop  !    Can't  stop  !    Can't  stop ! " 

with  all  its  ever-fresh  charm,  and  her  reception  was  as  enthusiastic  as  ever, 
perhaps  a  "trifle  more  so";  for  "Absence  makes  the  heart  grow  fonder." 


M.  DEVAL,  as  Maurice  d«  Saze,  is  well  able  to  support, 
physically  and  artistically,  the  divine  SAKA.  M.  CHAME- 
ROY,  drily  amuring  as  Prince  de  Bouillon  ,-  which  name, 
"  Bouillon,"  to  English  eara,  is  mggestive  of  the  parl 
being  appropriately  given  to  a  "  souper."  M.  LACROIX 
a  capital  Michonnet,  very  humorously  tragic  in  nis  de- 
sire to  be  a  "  Societaire." 

Friday.— La  Tosca.  Sime  charm  as  ever,  the  torture 
and  assassination  soenes  being  wonderfully  given.  Bat 
the  climax,  when  Tosca  prefers  to  leap  before  she  looks,  is 
not  startling.  The  leap  does  not  give  anyone  "the  jumps": 
it  is  only  a  step  from  the  sublime  to  the  ridiculoin,  and 
would  have  been  fatal  to  any  other  actress  sive  the 
Favourite  SABA. 

Wnen  this  brief  notice  appears  there  will  remain  but 
four  nights  more  of  SABA  B.  in  London.  Of  this  chance 
we  strongly  advise  all  lovers  of  true  dramatic  art  to  avail 
themselves ;  for  to  see  and  hear  SARA.,  acd  to  get  a 
French  play  well  played  in  town,  "  is  a  liberal  education 
in  itself."  'Tis  a  wonder  to  many  of  us  theatre-goers 
that  in  London  there  should  not  always  be  a  French 
theatre,  with  a  first-rate  working  company,  giving  the 
newest  Parisian  successes,  with  the  occasion*!  visit  of  a 
"  Star"  as  an  additional  attraction. 

If  ever  man  could  manage  it,  his  nime  is  MAYER, 
and  if  he  has  failed,  then  there  is  small  probability  of 
any  one  else  being  successful. 


SUITABLE  BREAKFAST  FOR  A  LEADING  LITERARY  CRITIC, 
—Log-roll  with  a  pat  of  butter. 


APPROPRIATE  AIR  FOR  EURO-WORKERS  AT  ETON. — 
"  Voi  che  sap-ete." 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

FREDERICK  LOCKEH-LAMPSON  was  fortunate  in  two  respects  when 
writing  the  volume  published  under  the  title  My  Confidences.  The 
first  is  the  conception  of  its  scheme.  In  a  second  title  he  describes  the 
work  as  An  Autobiographical  Sketch  addressed  to  my  Descendants. 
Incidentally  it  is  published  by  SMITH,  ELDER  &  Co.,  and  all  tbe 
world  who  have  fitteen  shillings  to  spend,  or  can  borrow  the  book 
may  read  it.  So  careful  was  the  diarist  that  bis  children  and  his 
children's  children  should  have  the  confidences  presented  in  most 
perfect,  polished  form,  that  he  had  the  MS.  set  up  in  type,  and 
bebtowed  upon  it  final  affectionate  revision  before  he  died.  Still  it 
holds  the  privileged  position  of  a  communication  privily  addressed 
to  a  family  circle.  If  the  public  don't  like  it,  they  can  leave  it. 
In  spite  of  the  printing  and  proof-reading,  it  was  not  meant  for 
them,  only  for  "  my  dear  children,"  to  whom  any  trivial  incident  in 
the  daily  life  of  a  revered  parent  is  interesting,  any  little  exhibition 
of  vanity  a  sacred  weakness.  Thus  the  gifted  author  may  indulge 
in  impulse  of  his  most  trivial  moods,  none  daring  to  make  him  afraid. 
Happily  in  Mr.  LOCKER'S  case  this  condition  is  controlled  by  a 
kindly  heart,  a  bright  intellect,  and  a  highly  cultured  mind.  We 
are  privileged  to  look  on  at  the  playtime  of  a  courtly,  scholarly 
gentleman,  and  frankly  share  his  innocent  satisfaction  in  the  really 
wide  circle  of  acquaintance  among  members  of  the  aristocracy  and  less 
eminent  personages,  such  as  DEAN  STANLEY,  ALFRED  TENBYSON, 
MATTHEW  ARNOLD,  Mr.  LECKY,  and  MILLAIS,  "who  etchtd  my 
portrait."  This  last  does  not  appear  to  have  given  supreme  satisfac- 
tion. "  There  are  points,"  Mr.  LOCKER  writes,  in  one  of  those 
delightful  asides  that  reveal  his  nature,  "  where  MILLAIS  almost 
surpasses  the  great  Dutchman,  FRANZ  HALS.  But  he  wants  charm, 
and  I  do  not  tee  in  his  faces  that  passing  look,  that  exquisitely 
evanescent  expression  which  appears  about  to  change  even  as  we 
gaze."  When  we  read  Sir  JOHN'S  "  Confidences,"  perhaps  we  shall 
hear  what  he  thought  of  Mr.  LOCKER  as  a  subject.  Meanwhile  the 
book  is  one  to  be  read  right  through.  My  Baronite  thinks  the  gem  of 
the  collection  will  be  found  in  the  exquisitely  humorous  account  of  Mr. 
LOCKER'S  defeat  in  his  attempt  to  complete  his  SIIAKSPEAKE  folio  of 
1623  by  purchase  of  the  missing  leaf  with  BEN  JONSON'S  verses.  The 
other  good  fortune,  in  addition  to  the  happy  design  of  the  book,  is  in 
the  choice  of  editor.  Mr.  BIRRELL,  who  fills  that  position,  has  doubt- 
lees  supplemented  Mr.  LOCKER'S  affectionate  revision  of  the  typed 
sheets.  But,  save  by  a  preface  strictly  limited  to  the  measure  of  a 
sonnet,  he  does  not  obtrude  his  personality  by  a  single  note.  This 
modesty  is  rarely  precious  in  the  editor  of  a  biographical  work. 

There  seems  no  limit  to  the  capacity  of  CLARK  RUSSELL  to  pro- 
duce stirring  stories  of  the  sea.  He  has  so  long  and  so  closely 
communed  with  the  illimitable  ocean  that  he  has  acquired  something 
of  its  power  and  its  infinite  variety.  His  latest  story,  The  Tale  of 
the  Ten  (CuATTO  AND  WINDUS)  is  as  good  as  anything  he  has  yet 
written,  which  is  high  praise.  It  is  better  than  some,  inasmuch  as 


the  action  is  more  rapid.  Once  started  with  the  story,  my  Baronite 
found  it  difficult  to  lay  the  book  down  till  he  had  seen  comfortably 
shot,  or  hanged,  every  one  of  the  Ten.  This  desire  is,  through  a  series 
of  breathless  incidents,  fulfilled.  Like  the  Ten  Little  Niggers  of 
earlier  fame,  the  rogues  drop  off  one  by  one,  "  and  then  there  were 
only  just  enough  to  send  to  Norfolk  Island.  The  story,  skilfully 
constructed,  graphically  told,  is  adorned  with  some  of  those  mar- 
vellous descriptions  of  the  many  moods  of  the  sea  in  which  Ci,  IRK 
RUSSELL  is  unapproachable.  THE  BARON; 

PASTRY  OP  THE  PAST. 

SIR, — The  "Elderly  Correspondent"  of  the  Lancet  who  asks  where 
is  the  pastry  of  our  youth,  "the  crisp  and  saccharous  tartlet,  the 
delicate  puff,  the  imponderable  dumpling,"  has  hit  on  a  real 
grievance.  As  for  tartlets,  I  feel  inclined  to  sing  with  Mrs.  HEMANS 
(I  think),  "  O  call  those  tartlets  back  to  me!  '  Puffs — well— I  believe 
that  these  are  sometimes  heard  of  still,  in  liter  dry  circles,  bat  they 
are  never  "delicate,"  and  the  kind  sold  at  the  confectioners'  ought 
to  be  used  for  ship  ballast— they  're  fit  for  nothing  else.  What's  the 
good  of  a  new  Education  Bill,  technical  classes,  and  all  that,  if  cooks 
aren't  taught  to  use  the  rolling  pin  ?  Why,  it 's 

PUFFICKLY  MONSTBOUS. 

SIR, — This  crusade  against  modern  pastry  is  most  excellent.  Bat 
it  should  also  include  modern  sweets.  I  ate  some  almond  toffee  the 
other  day,  and,  would  you  believe  it,  it  nearly  made  me  eick !  It 
never  did  that  when  I  was  a  boy,  sixty  years  ago.  How  well  I 
remember  munching  it  on  our  playground  while  1  ><  king  on  at  our 
first  eleven  heroes  licking  (at  cricket)  the  contemptible  fellows  sent 
by  some  other  school  to  play  us  I  The  Bath  pipe  that  I  and 
SNIGGLINGS  junior  swore  eternal  friendship  over— where  is  that  tort 
of  Bath  pipe  now  ?  Vanished— in  smoke !  Gone  out  —with  a  puff ! 

Yours,       PUFF  COLLUSIVE. 

SIR, — It  is  quite  true  about  the  pastry  and  the  rolling-pin.  But 
the  real  reason  why  pastry  doesn't  agree  with  us  nowadays  is  because 
of  all  the  nasty  foreign  ingredients  put  in  it.  Russian  flour,  French 
butter,  German  eggs — how  can  you  expect  a  thing  made  in  Germany 
to  be  digested  in  England  ?  And  that  leads  me  to  the  chief  point  of 
this  letter,  which  is  to  say  that  we  must  have  PROTECTION  I  I  gene- 
rally manage  to  bring  all  arguments  round  to  that,  and  I  'in  glad  to 
have  been  able  to  do  so  in  this  instance. 

Yours  hopefully,  JnorrLOWiHERiTE. 

SIR, — My  boy  tells  me  it 's  all  rot  about  the  puffs  at  confectioners 
not  being  as  good  as  ever.  He  asked  for  sixpence  to  go  and  try,  in 
order — as  he  said — to  "make  quite  sure  about  it,"  and  as  he  felt  a 
little  doubtful  at  the  end  of  the  experiment.  I  gave  him  another 
sixpence  to  complete  it.  He  finished  them  all  f  Yet  there  are  people 
who  declare  that  modern  pastry  can't  be  digested  I 

Yours,          PATER  SUPERBUS. 


2B8 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JDNB  20,  1896.1* 


TRY  OUR 

BUTTER 

NO  ONE  CAN 


SO    INVITING! 


THE  THIRD  KING  OF  CRICKET. 

Jupiter  Pluvius  to  Sol  on  the  "fowler's 
Match,"  M.C.G.  \.  Australia,  June  11—12, 
1896,  won  by  M.C.C ,  on  wet  wickets,  in  one 
innings,  with,  18  runs  to  spare.  (See  "  The 
Two  Kings  of  Cricket,"  "Punch,"  p.  267, 
June  6.) 

THE  Cornstalks  all  out  for  Eighteen  !    Ah, 

King  Solly, 
You  see  your  "  too  previous  "  vaunting  was 

folly, 

Since  J've  had  a  go  at  the  wicket. 
"  The  Two  Kings  of  Cricket "  read  all  very 

fine, 
But   sure  you   forgot  a  third  monarchy— 

mine  ! 
Whilst  "  Ju  Plu  "  's  to  the  fore,  why  it  'tisn't 

all  shins 
(Ask   young    SB  INK    of    Cambridge)   at 

cricket! 

Eh?     fight,    four,     a    six,    and  —  eight 

"  ducks  "  in  a  row. 
Ha!  ha!  good  Old  Solus !  And  likwise  hoi  ho  I 

Eight  wickets  for  nix  I    That 's  a  corker  I 
There  isn't  a  bat  in  that  team  who 's  a  duffer, 
But  with  sodden  wickets  plus  JACK  HEAHNE 

and  POUGHEK, 
The   steadiest  bat  with   the   slogger  may 

suffer, 
And  fall  for  a  duck  to  a  yorker. 


Great   Scott!     'Twas  a  regular  basket   of 

"  eggs," 
The  Bowler  a  day— now   and   then— fairly 

begs, 

He  got  it  this  lime,  and  no  error  I 
Tde  "  trundler" — 'twas  nothing  but  right — 

had  his  turn ; 
What  HEARNE  Itf  t  to  POTIQHEK  young  Poran 

didn't  spurn, 
And  if  'twasn't  POXJGHER,  why  then  it  was 

HEARNE, 
And  each  seemed  a  fair  holy  terror ! 

A   "rot"?     That's    all   rot.     'Twas   but 

cricketer's  luck  1 
Not  pleasant   to   sleep   on!    But    sleeping 

brought  pluck ! 

SID  GKEGORT,  DARLING,  and  EADY 
Got  even  such  bowling  as  that  "in  a  knot." 
Though  POUG  u  EB  and  HEA  RNE  might  be  still 

"  on  the  spot," 
Though  'twas  too  late  to  win,  EADT  put  on 

the  pot, 
And  Australia's  DARLING  was  steady. 

A  win— in  one   innings— with   eighteen   to 

spare  1 
And  I REDALK  and  TRIMBLE  two  brace  had  to 

share! 

Don't  scoff  at  Ju  Plu  after  that,  Sir ! 
A  -victory  well  earned— or  I  should  say  well 


You  see  Cricket's  Third  King— Zing  Rain— 

can't  be  spurned. 

For  'tis  plain  that  the  victory  often  is  turned, 
By  a  thower ,  to  the  Ball  from  the  Bat,  Sir ! 


OPERATIC    NOTES. 

Monday. — La  Tra-la-la-viata.  Madame 
ALBANI  as  Violetta  simply  excellent.  "  Never 
berrer,"  as  David  Copper  field  observed  at  the 
end  of  his  first  dinner-party.  At  finish  of 
third  act,  magnificent  bouquet  handed  up  to 
piiraa  donna  by  Signor  BEVIGNAHT. 

When  bouquets  are  handed  up  publicly, 
the  names  of  donors  should  be  announced  also 
publicly.  This  would  add  to  the  value  of 
the  bouquet.  Signor  BEVIGNANI  would  an- 
nounce "  Bouquet  from  H.R.H.,  owner  of 
Persimmon."  (Enthusiasm.)  "  Bouquet 
from  Mr.  GLADSTONE."  (Cheers.)  "Ditto 
from  Lord  SALISBUBT."  (More  cheers.) 
"Bouquet  from  BBOWN,  JONES,  and  ROBIN- 
SON, regular  subscriber?."  (Applause.) 
Several  other  bouquets,  the  names  being 
undecipherable  by  Signor  UEVIGNANI;  and, 
finally,  a  splendid  bouquet  from  Mr.  Punch. 
This  last  presented  in  a  scene  of  indescrib- 
able excitement,  cheers,  tears,  and  aoplause, 
amid  which  Madame  ALISAN i  was  led  off  the 
stage  by  Sir  AUGUSTUS  HAHBIS,  attended  by 
the  ever-faithful  Mile.  BAUEBMEISTEB,  carry- 
ing the  bouquets:  a  Flowery  Bower-meisteress 
for  this  o:cauon  only.  ANCONA  good  as 
Georgey  Oermont ;  and  Signor  LUCIA  un- 
commonly good  as  Alfredo  mio,  "  le  petit 
bonhomme  plus^  petit  que  ^a."  Except 
Manon's  lover,  is  there  any  lover  in  operatic 
history  who  is  such  a  nincompoop  of  a  cha- 
racter as  this  'Alf-and-'Alf-redo  1 

Tuesday. — Die  Meistersinger  as  before. 
Wednesday.  —  A'ida,  by  the  ever-Verdy 
VERDI.  As  there  are  hardly  any  recitatives, 
the  libretto  cannot  be  called  what  the  music 
is,  "werry  Wordy."  Magnificently  put  on 
the  stage.  Odd  effect  of  polyglot  "wersion 
of  Werdi,"  as  ALVABEZJ  representing  Ra- 
ditiues,  Captain  of  Egyptian  Guards,  sang  in 
French,  whilst  some  others  gave  their  woids 
in  English,  thus  representing  what  ought  to 
have  been  the  joint  occupation  of  Egypt, 
whf re  the  scene  is  laid,  by  the  united  forces 
of  France  and  England.  DBUBIOLANUS  always 
has  an  eye  to  the  events  of  the  moment,  and 
this  evidently  struck  him  as  being  peculiarly 
up-to-date. 

Great  enthusiasm  after  finale  of  second  act 
only  (quailed  by  perturbation  of  singers,  who, 
like  Barkis,  were  "  willin',"  but  could  do 
nothing,  as  BEVIGNAOT  had  "gone  out  with 
the  tide,"  aad  had  disappeared  to  his  myste- 
rious hiding-place  under  the  stage  "  far  from 
the  madding  crowd."  Madame  ADINI,  a 
splendid  specimen  of  an  Ethiopian  slave,  who 
would  have  made  a  fortune  as  Principal  of  a 
Female  Christy  Minstrel  Company.  Grand 
evening.  Rise  in  Egyptians. 

Thursday  and  Friday.— FLOTOW'S  Martha, 
and  GOUNOD'S  Romeo  et  Juliette.  Nothing 
rew.  Tout  va  bien  ;  and  Masterful  MAN- 
CINELLI  and  Beneticant  BHVIGNAXI  are 
satisfied. 

Saturday. — Warbling  WAGNEB'S  Hookey- 
Walkure,  or  Les  Promeneuses,  as  to-night  it 
id  given  by  Le  Chevalier  D&UBIOLANUS,  in 
French.  Happy  Thought  to  show  us  these 
Lurline-like  water-sprites  on  so  hot  a  night. 
ALVABEZ  excellent ;  Mile.  BBAZZI  fine ;  and 
Madame  LOLA  BEETH  will  be  heard  to  greater 
advantage  in  something  lighter.  Her  first 
appearance  here.  Of  course,  the  ever- 
useful-and-ornamental  Mile.  BAUEBMEISIEB 
delights  us  as  a  water  sprite.  Masterful 
MANCINELLI  must  be  congratulated  on  mag- 
nificent musicians. 


JUNE  20,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


299 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FBOM  THE  DIABY  OP  TOBY,  M.P. 

Houre  of  Commons,  Monday.  June  8. — "Man  and  toy,"  said 
SABK,  "I  ve  lived  in  House  of  Common*  for  twenty- five  years. 
Never  till  to-night  was  1  so  sba'ply  struck  with  seme  of  the  innate 
nolility,  the  pure  unselfuhnets,  the  impulsive  generosity  of 
Mem  hers." 

What  caused  SARK'S  voice  to  falter,  almost  brought  tears  into 
his  eyes,  was  the  readiness  shown  from  unexpected  quarters  to 
forward  puhlio  busine-s  by  clofing  dehate  on  second  rtadirg  Irish 
Land  Bill.  Arrangtdwhen  House  met  ihat  two  nights  ehculd  be 
given  up  to  talk  round  subject.  PRINCE  ARTHTJH,  apprehensive  that 
even  that  allotment  tf  time  wonld  he  insufficient,  gave  notice  that 
he  will  to-morrow  move  suspension  Twelve  o'clock  Rule,  so  that 


dehate  may,  if  need  be,  continue  all  night, 
favour  of  completing  de- 
bate at  current  sitting  had 
birth.  Rapidly  grew  till, 
by  ten  o'clock,  Bill  read 
second  time,  leaving  two 
hours  to  discuss  proposal  to 
rtfer  it  to  Grand  Commit- 
tee. 

It  was  TIM  HEALY  began 
it.  After  long  ab?ence, 
TIM  hack  again  at  corner 
seat  below  Gangway,  envi- 
roned by  loving  fiiends, 
On  his  left  site  dark-vis- 
aged JOHN  DILLON  ;  he- 
hind  him  plump  JOHN 
REDMOND.  Perhaps  it  wa« 
these  sunny  circuits* ancts 
that  meltfd  the  icy  trucu- 
leoce  tbat  sometimes  seems 
to  g'ip  TIM'S  manner.  Bow- 
evtr  it  be,  having  spoken 
for  something  over  half  an 
honr  (and  said  all  he  had 
to  say)  TIM  gladdened 
heart  of  Ministeis  bv  pro- 
testing that  he  really  did 
not  care  about  extending 
debate. 

"Take  your  Closure  at 
once,"  he  sa'd.    "  It  is  not 
we  who  will  oppose  it 
cry    'Gag!'   when    it   i* 
granted  from  tbe  Chair." 

Not  to  be  outdone  in 
generosity.  Colonel  SAN- 
DERSON, who  followed,  tcok 
ihe  same  line.  No  use 
f  arryinar  debate  over  t  ecoad 
day.  Why  n>  t  pats  second 
reading  forthwith,  and  gee 
to  work  in  Committee  ? 

Peculiarity  noted  in 
action  of  both  Members 
was  that  at  the  time  they 


Sudd«nly  movement  ia 


TH£  TIME. 
COKE,  AMD 
RRP IDLY  ARRI  IMG 


Mr.  Field  (President  of  the  Irish  Cattle  Trades'  and  Stockowners'  Association,  Vice- 
President  of  the  National  Federation  of  Meat  Trades)  introduces  to  the  House  two 
"  Bulls  "  of  his  own  breeding. 


protected  this  indifference  to  pro^ngation  of  speech-making,  each 
had  made  his  own.  Members  who  had  prepared  orations,  and 
were  waiting  for  opportunity  of  delivering  them,  not  quite  to 
enthusiastic  in  approval  as  was  PRINCE  ARTHUR.  That  a  detail. 
Nothing  could  resist  influence  of  lofty  aspirations  of  TIM  and  the 
Culi  nel  for  dispeming  with  idle  talk  and  getting  to  work.  So,  they 
having  concluded  their  speeches,  House  listened  with  impatience  to  a 
few  others,  which  the  authors  would  not  willingly  let  die.  Members 
who  had  gone  off  to  dinner,  understanding  that  to-morrow  night 
would  also  be  given  up  to  second  reading  debate,  came  back  at  ten 
o'clock  to  find  Bill  read  a  second  time,  and  Honse  embarked  on  fresh 
debate  upon  new  issue. 

Business  done.— Irish  Land  Bill  read  second  time. 

Tuesday.—  Since  to-night  wasn't  wanted  for  Irish  Land  Bill,  it  is 
given  up  to  Irish  Estimates.  Occasion  serves  to  show  the  change 
wrought  by  hand  of  Time.  Ten  yeara  a*o  the  House,  in  Committee 
on  Irish  Estimates,  would  have  been  liveliest  spct  in  town.  To-night 
it  is  one  of  the  dullest.  Member  after  Member  gets  up  to  tell  moving 
story  of  how  he  has  been  attacked  bv  Royal  Irish  Constabulary. 

CJ  A  .».-*_  _    il A.      A.\-  1 1 J          •¥••!•»••  *  .  •!___?      *.*•_-_ 


himself  to  favourable  consideration  of  Committee  as  "a  bit  of 
authority  on  rows,"  gave  graphic  account  of  a  Sunday  morning  spent 
in  bosom  of  his  constituency.  This  place  of  repose  was  literally 
represented  by  the  middle  of  the  main  thoroughfare,  where  the 
hon.  Member,  flat  on  his  back,  off  which  his  coat  had  been  torn, 
seems  to  have  spent  a  pensive  hour,  with  the  policeman  who  had 
knocked  him  down  oltrusively  standing  over  him. 

Bitterest  reflection  was  that  he  had  reached  this  recumbent  posi- 
tion whilst  bent  upon  an  errand  of  peace.  Coming  together  in  the 
quiet  streets  of  Clare  on  a  Sabbath  morning,  WILLIE  R.'s  con- 
stituents and  the  police  had  incofltinently  "gone  for"  each  other. 
The  Apostle  of  Peace  interposing,  straightway  found  himself  in  the 
recumbent  position  described.  It  was  nothing  to  him ;  he  teemed 
quite  used  to  spending  bis  Sunday  morning  in  such  circumstances. 
What  vexed  him  was  (1)  that  his  recumbent  position  prevented 
his  pursuing  his  mist  ion  of  peace;  (2)  that  the  overhanging  police- 
man was  not  conveniently  numbered  as  are  his  colleagues  in  the 

streets  of  London.  Whence 
ensued  insuperable  difficul- 
ties in  recognising  him  and 
bringing  him  into  a  posi- 
tion where  the  ground  of 
his  almost  rude  conduct 
might  be  inquired  into. 

After  this  elaborate  story, 
PATRICK  O'BRIEN'S  modest 
narrative  ot  how,  upon  a 
certain  occasion,  he  received 
4 '  a  blow  on  the  craynium  " 
from  a  policeman's  baton, 
fell  a  little  flat.  Mr. 
O'BRIEN  mentioned  that 
his  "  craynium  "  still  bore 
evidence  of  the  concussion. 
Languid  Committfe  tem- 
porarily stirred  by  flush  of 
expectation  as  he  put  bis 
hand  to  his  head.  Expected 
that  he  was  about  to  show 
Chairman  of  Committees 
exact  spot  of  the  tragedy. 
Apparently  couldn't  find  it. 
Anyhow,  after  fumbling 
round  for  a  moment,  he 
gave  up  quest,  and  pro- 
ceeded wit  Q  speech. 

Business  done.  —  Irish 
votes  in  Committee. 

Thursday.— Pity  e-tab- 
lished  custom  is  against 
Members  making  up  for 
particular  parts,  as  they 
do  on  the  stage  of  other 
theatres.  Loss  felt  with 
peculiar  acutene:s  in  case 
of  JOHN  o'  GORST.  To- 
night we  gtt  into  Commit- 
tee on  Education  Bill.  As 
Cap'en  TOMMY,  who  has 
been  heaving  the  lead, 
genially  announces,  there 
are  exactly  1335  Amend- 


ments already  printed.  Consideration  thereof  means  some  wetks' 
hard  labour  for  House  in  general,  and  in  particular  for  Minister  in 
charge  of  Bill.  So  JOHN  o'  GOHST,  taking  seat  on  Treasury  Bench 
to-night,  assumes  stricken  air  of  patient  resignation  pathetic  to  look 
upon. 

Where  defect  appears  is  in  his  complexion.  Ihe  conteouence  of 
going  about  his  Ministerial  duties  on  a  vermilioa-hued  bicycle  has 
been  to  reflect  upon  his  countenance  a  rnddy_  tinge  incompatible  with 
the  character  he  desires  to  assume.  If,  as  is  the  case  in  preparation 
for  another  stage,  our  leading  man  of  the  hour  were  permitted  use  of 
powder- pot,  eff  act  on  progress  of  Education  BUI  in  Committee  would 
be  appreciable.  As  it  is,  there  is  obvious  incongruity,  distinctly 
deleterious. 

GOHST  does  his  best  in  the  circumstances ;  is  obviously  determined 
not  to  add  to  length  of  debate.  When  Amendment  moved,  he  states, 
in  phrase  of  freezing  brevity,  insuperable  objection,  and_sits  down. 
Argument  all  very  well  in  some  oases.  JOHN  o'_  GORST  is  conscious 
that  he  has  behind  him  overwhelming  argument  in  form  of  majority 
varying  from  170  to  249.  As  the  advertisement  ssys,  "Why  pay 


S°ems  first  thing  happens  to  Irish  Member  on  temporarily  revisiting  j  more  ?  "    JOHN  o'  GOBST  certainly  won't.    Haying  said  what  he  has 


his  native  land  is  that  h«  is  set  upon  by  the  police,  and  more  or  less 
severely  beaten.  SWIFT  MACNETLL,  with  tremor  of  genuine  emotion  in 
voice,  held  forth  for  over  half  an  hour  in  succfs-ion  of  blood-curdling 


to  say  he  sits  down,  folds  fragile  arms  over  timid  breast,  puts  on  look 
of  preternatural  pensiveness,  patiently  listens  whilst  others  talk. 
No  lack  of  supply.    At  end  of  hour  and  a  half  constitution  of 


stories  about  the  polica.    WILLIE  RFDMOND,  modestly  presenting   audiencs  considerably  altered.    Members  freshly  arrived  from  pro- 


300 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


10    1896. 


"  Received  '  a  blow  on  the  craynium '  1 " 
(Mr.  P-tr-ck  O'Br-n.) 


longed  tea  on  the  Terrace  look  upon  the  grey-haired  figure  on  the 
Treasury  Bench,  and  wonder  why  it  doesn't  speak.  Member  after 
Member  rises  wanting  to  know  why  the  Vice-President  of  the  Council 

has  no  reply  to  give?  A 
pleasing  proip^eqt  this,  ca- 
pable of  indefinite  prolon- 
gation. At  five  o'clock, 
Minitter  stated  his  objec- 
tions to  amendment ; 
speeches  go  on  for  hour 
and  half.  At  6.30  a  new 
audience  has  gathered. 
Weren't  present  when 
Minister  interposed ;  insist 
on  his  speaking  again. 
Minister  re-states  his 
objection.  Another  hour- 
and-a-half  s  talk.  8  P.M., 
fresh  audience.  "  "Why 
doesn't  the  right  hon.  gen- 
tleman state  the  Govern- 
ment view  on  this  import- 
ant point  ?  Why  treat  the 
House  with  marked  dis- 
courtf  sy  ?  "  Angry  cheer- 
ing from  Opposition.  Min- 
ister meekly  makes  his 
speech  a  third  time.  Fresh 
audience  fall  to  ;  discuss  it 
with  un diminished  vigour. 
9.30  P.M.  Changing  and 
(1  lifting,  another  new  au- 
dience assembles.  Motion 
to  report  progress  by  way 
of  resenting  contemptuous 
silence  of  insolent  Minister ; 
and  so  on,  till  the  morning 
and  the  evening  are  ano- 
ther day. 

This  legislation  by  shifts,  as  work  is  sometimes  carried  on  in 
collieries,  evidently  has  its  disadvantages.  JOHN  o'  GOKST  early 
checks  it.  "I  have  stated  my  objections,"  he  said,  when  pressed  a 
fourth  time  to  set  them  forth.  "  Hon.  Members  who  were  not  present 

when  I  i  poke  may  read  the 
remarks  in  the  papers  to- 
morrow morning." 

Opposition  horribly  shocked 
at  this ;  but,  after  all,  if  we  are 
to  get  forward  with  our  work, 
there  seems  something  in  it. 

Business  dine. —  In  Com- 
mittee on  the  Education  Bill. 

Friday.— The  Codlin  and 
Short  business  of  Irish  Lea- 
ders sometimes  a  little  harden 
House.  Habitually  tends  in 
direction  of  inflicting  two 
speeches  where  one  would  have 
done ;  and  that,  as  R.  G. 
WEBSTEB  says,  is  very  differ- 
ent from  making  two  blades 
of  grass  grow  where  formerly 
there  was  a  dust-heap.  When 
JOHN  REDMOND  makes  a 
speech,  JOHN  DILLON  feels 
bound  to  put  in  appearance, 
anfl  vice  versa. 

JOHN  REDMOND,  resolved  to 
show  Ireland  that  in  her  in- 
terest he  neither  slumbers  nor 
sleeps,  urged  PRINCE  ABTHTJB 
to  suspend  Twelve  o'olock  Role 
so  that  Irish  Land  Bill  might, 
if  necessary,  be  debated  all 
night.  PBINCE  ABTHUB,  for 
reasons  inexplicable,  except 
on  ground  of  extreme  hot 
weather  and  consequent  lan- 
guidness,  consented.  JEMMY 
LOWTHEK  interposed  ;  saved 
House  fro-n  objectless  sacri- 
fice. On  Wednesday,  JAMES'S 
heart  stirred  within  him  by 


He  was  invited  to  row  on  the  Piraeus. 
(Mr.  McK-nna.) 


what  an  ordinary  person  would  have  called  flat  robbery.  J.  L. 
denounced  the  project  as  "  deletion  of  the  Eighth  Commandment." 
To-day  he,  with  equally  magnificent  manner,  successfully  withstands 


PBINCE  ABTHUB'S  temporary  weakness.    Motion  to  suspend  Twelve 

o'clock  Rule  not  proceeded  with.    Waste' ji  time  upon  a  Bill  no  one 

pretends  to  see  carried  through  Committee  thus  limited  to  midnight. 

Business  done  — Eight  hour*  talk  round  Irish  Land  Bill.  v 


METEOR  II.  DAZZLES  THE  YACHTING  WORLD,  AND  WINS  THE 
BLUE  RIBAND  OF  THE  SURF  I 


"A   WAY   THEY   HAVE  IN   THE   ARMY." 

(Extract  from  a  Note- Book  found  near  Islington,) 

HAVEN'T  much  time  for  jotting  down  impressions.  Mote's  the 
pity,  as,  with  my  School  Board  learning,  I  am  getting  quite  a  dab  at 
composition.  Bat  what  with  tent-pegging,  musical  rides,  sword  and 
bayonet  contests,  and  the  rest  of  it,  there's  quite  enough  to  do.  It 
please?  the  public,  I  suppose,  and  the  funds  go  to  some  Service 
ch»rity  or  other,  so  that's  all  right,  and  the  Intelligence  De- 
partment says  it  "promotes  recruiting,"  BO  that's  all  right, 
too,  And  then  the  management  is  re-organised.  Not  too  much  of 
the  Volunteers — just  a  noble  C.O.  of  the  auxiliaries  thrown  in  to 
give  a  civilian  but  aristocratic  flavour  to  the  show— and  that 's,  from 
a  Service  point  of  view,  all  right  again.  Bat  as  the  Commatder-in- 

more  < 

barrack-yard,  but  the  painting-your-face-red  dressing-up  of  Mr. 
CLABKSON,  or  some  other  eminent  perruquier, 

It 's  all  very  well  to  show  the  ten-shilling  seat-holders  "  the  sons  of 
the  Empire,"  but  if  darkies  ran  short,  that 's  no  reason  why  Tommy 
Atkins  should  have  to  black  his  face  as  if  he  were  waiting  readv  for 
an  engagement,  not  on  the  battlefield,  but  at  St.  James's  Hall, 
Regent  Street  and  Picoadilly.  The  Military  Tournament,  no  doubt, 
is  quite  right  and  proper,  especially  now  that  the  Viscount  has 
kindly  taken  it  under  his  own  special  patronage,  but  surely  the  line 
might  be  drawn  at  blank  cartridge,  and  not  quite  so  low  as  burnt 
cork.  How  can  a  self-respecting  soldier-man  hold  himself  in  proper 
personal  esteem  if  he  has  to  daub  his  face  as  if  he  weie  a  perambulat- 
ing nigger  on  Margate  sands  ? 


JUNB  27,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


301 


Country  Cousin  (looking  at  Index  of  R.A.  Catalogue).  "UNOLE,  WHAT 

DOES   1,    3,    6,    8,    AFTER  A  MAN'S   NAME,    MEANT' 

Uncle  (who  has  been  dragged  there  much  against  his  will).    "Enl 
WHAT  ?    1,  3 OH,  TSLSPHOSS  NUMBER  !  " 


MIDSUMMER  MADNES3. 

PBEPABINO  to  go  to  the  seaside  under  the  impression  that  the 
sultry  weather  will  continue  until  your  arrival  by  the  sad  sea  waves. 

Making  arrangements  to  remain  in  town  on  the  ohanoe  of  rain 
setting  in  at  the  coast- 
Leaving  England  for  a  tour  on  the  continent  in  the  belief  that  you 
can  see  better  pictures  abroad  than  at  the  National  Gallery,  or  more 
remarkable  objets  de  vertu  than  those  at  the  Sjuth  Kensington 
Museum. 

Becoming  a  Fellow  of  the  Imperial  Institute  on  the  ohanoe  of 
obtaining  the  benefits  of  Colonial  Federation  plus  the  glories  of  a 
rival  to  Oly  mpia. 

Taking  tea  on  the  Terrace  of  the  Houre  of  Commons  to  secure 
peace  and  quietness,  in  preference  to  asking  for  the  same  refreshment 
at  vour  pet  club. 

Reading  the  intelligence  from  South  Africa  in  the  newspapers  with 
a  view  to  "fluttering"  on  the  Stock  Exchange  to  your  own  ad- 
vantage. 

Lastly,  taking  decided  action  in  any  matter  at  a  time  when  the 
most  reasonable  course  to  pursue  is  to  settle  down  on  a  sofa  under  a 
punkah  and  go  to  sleep. 

A  RETIRING  NAVAL  OFFICER. 

IN  the  Times  for  June  17,  Admiral  P.  H.  COLOMB  writes  apropos 
of  '•  The  Higher  Policy  of  Defence  "  :— 

"  For  myself,  I  am  eminently  content  with  the  part  I  have  played,  and 
recognise  with  pleasure  the  arrival  of  a  time  of  rest." 

But  his  readers  won't  be  of  the  learned  Admiral's  opinion.  May 
the  time  be  far  distant  when  the  COLOHB  will  be  half  or  a  quarter  of 
a  Colomb  in  the  Times,  and  still  farther  distant  when  he  comes  to  a 
full  stop.  

WITH  THE  ACCENT  ON  THE  PENULTIMATE  SYLLABLE. — A  French 
diplomat,  in  proposing  Lord  DTJFFERIN'S  health,  hoped  that  his  Lord- 
ship would  find  some  pretext  for  Duf-^er-rin'  his  departure  from 
Paris. 


A  HARROWED  ETONIAN. 

SIB. — In  your  edition  of  June  13,  you  published  an  essay  on  the 
Fourth  of  June,  purporting  to  be  the  work  of  "  JOYNES  MINOR."  I 
don't  know  if  the  writer,  by  appropriating  the  name  of  an  honoured 
bygone  preceptor,  endeavoured  to  pose  as  an  Etonian,  but  if  he  were 
so,  indeed,  he  must  have  been  a  very  old  one.  His  reference  to  JOB r 
savours  of  the  pliocene  age,  that  excellent  judge  of  small  beer  having 
long  been  gathered  to  his  fathers.  Then  he  talks  of  KOSMO  WILKIN- 
SON, cox  of  the  Thetis,  arrayed  in  an  admiral's  uniform!  Shades  of 
all  defunct  Captains  of  the  Boats  I  Who  ever  saw  the  steerer  of  the 
Thtlis  in  a  cocked  hat?  The  garb  of  NILSON  is  reserved  for  those 
who  hold  the  lines  in  the  Upper  Boats.  And  then  "  JOYNES  MINOR," 
for  the  sake  of  reference  to  the  Heir  Apparent' s  success  at  Epsom, 
has  the  effrontery  to  say  that  the  leading  boats  were  the  Victory  and 
Prince  of  Wales,  whereas  every  real  Etonian  knows  that  the  ten-oar 
(the  only  one  on  the  river)  is  always  the  Monarch  of  all  it  surveys, 
being  stroked  by  that  most  magnificent  personage,  the  Captain  of  the 
Boats  I  Lastly,  ".(.  M."  wrongly  makes  the  Brocas  the  scene  of 
SHOCK'S  fireworks,  which  did  not  go  off  "brilliantly,"  owing  to  the 
proverbial  rain.  Sir,  I  know  not  with  whom  to  be  the  more  indig- 
nant, you  or  "  JOYNES  MINOR,"  whose  father  must  have  more  money 
than  sense,  if  he  did  indeed  tip  him  a  "  fiver  " ! 

And  then  he  talks  of  "  Buns  "  THOBNTON.  "  Bun  and  Jam"  was 
the  sobriquet  of  our  great  slogger.  "Buns"  was  a  later  reading, 
invented  by  those,  who  did  not  share  his  effective  society  at  the 
College  of  the  Bleated  Virgin.  The  sham  Etonian  is  as  readily  de- 
tected as  is  the  false  nobleman.  He  may  be  able  to  talk  about 
"absence,"  "swishing,"  "tick,"  and  "drybobs,"  but  there  are 
certain  little  passwords  which  he  can  never  get  hold  of.  For 
instance,  I  will  bet  a  sovereign  to  a  halfpenny  that  Lord  GBANBY  or 
Lord  ARTHUR  WELLESLEY  would  know  in  an  instant  at  what  house  I 
boarded,  when  I  state  that  my  room  at  my  dame's  was  on  "the 
lower  sarg."  In  my  opinion  "  JOTNES  MLN OB"  hails  from  Harrow, 
where,  possibly,  at  "  Ducker,"  or  whatever  the  hill-top  lads  call  their 
swimming  bath,  he  picked  up  a  few  light-blue  expressions  from  the 
renegade  (no  offence  meant)  WELLDON. 

Your  obedient  Servant,  HTJGGS  MA  JOB. 


APHORISMS  BY  OUR  OWN  JUDICIOUS  HOOKER. 

'Tis  a  long  worm  that  has  no  turning. 

Spare  the  rod  and  spoil  the  rise. 

The  original  Senior  (Wr)angler.    ISAAC  WALTON. 

Gentry  who  do  not  grumble  at  checks.    Bank  fishermen. 

The  Hook  of  Holland  is  attached  to  the  Great  Eastern  Line. 

Every  jack  has  his  gill. 

Highland  inventions.    Reels. 

Not  associated  with  salmon-catching.    Penny  gaffs. 

Fish  which  are  never  cowed.    Bull  trout. 

Theatrical  accessories.    Floats  and  flies. 


OPERATIC  NOTES. 

Thursday.— Splendid  Romeo  of  JOHNNIE  DE  RESZKE.  Excellent 
Juliette  of  MELBA'S.  MELBA  looking  and  singing  uncommonly  well. 
Great  enthusiasm.  Melba-Juliette  called  before  curtain  about  ten 
times  in  all,  and  received  about  half  that  number  of  bouquets. 
Names  of  donors  not  mentioned.  Franciscan  Brother  EDWARD  DE 
RESZKE  very  pious  and  pleasant.  Masterful  MANCINELLI  to  be  con- 
gratulated. Rumour  in  lobby  of  indisposition  of  Sir  DRURIOLANTJS 
OPERATICUS.  General  sympathy  from  all,  et  db  omnibus  box. 

Saturday. — Good  old  Lucia  di  Lammermoor.  MELBA  excellent 
as  Lucy,— not  "  HENRY"  of  that  ilk,  but  another. 


INTEBESTINO  LECTTTBE  AT  SOTTTHWARK.— The  Bishop,  lecturing  on 
the  restorations  at  St.  Saviour's  Church,  forgot  to  say  that  in 
1106  there  was  here  a  Priory  of  St.  Mary  Overy,  so  called  because  it 
furnished  a  hospital  to  such  afflicted  persons  as  felt  "  all  overy- 
like."  His  lordship  also  omitted  to  mention  that  at  the  dissolute  time 
of  the  dissolution  the  Austin  canons,  who  showed  considerable  mettle, 
were  all  either  melted  down  or  sent  to  the  Tower  to  defend  the  battle- 
ments. At  the  Tower  the  canons  were  leaded  with  chains  and  abuse, 
but  were  none  of  them  let  off.  The  Bishop,  as  "  Boss  of  the  show," 
exhibited  much  emotion  in  showing  his  predecessors,  "  the  bosses  of 
the  oak  ceiling,  which  still  exist "  (! !  I). 

"A  HOPEFUL  Future  M.P."  writes  wanting  to  know  /'if,  in 
the  House  of  Commons — which,  as  a  matter  of  course,  includes 
'  Short  Commons,'  and  is  equivalent  to  a  German  '  Diet  '—the  larder 
supply  of  meat  is  under  the  supervision  of  the  '  Standing  Joint  Com- 
mittee '  ?  Also,  how  long  is  a  Joint  allowed  by  such  Committee  to 
stand  ?  Likewise  whether  hot  or  cold  P  " 


VOL.  ex. 


DD 


302 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNK  27,  1896, 


MASTER   JOEY'S    LITTLE    FLIRTATION. 

["If  we  decide  to  give  advantages  to  the  Colonists  such  as  those  mentioned  by  Mr.  CHAMBERLAIN  in  consideration  of  their  abandonment  cf 
Protective  duties  against  British  goods,  are  we  sure  that  the  masses  in  this  country  will  be  prepared  for  such  an  object  to  tax  foreign  foodstufl'i 
and  foreign  raw  m  iteriala  ?  " — The  "  Times  "  on  Mr.  Chamberlain''!  Speech  at  Congress  of  Chambers  of  Commerce,  advocating  a  British  Zollvertin.] 


JUNK  27,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


303 


A  SPORTING  PARALLEL. 

[Lord  KOSEBERY'S  Quarrel,  by 
Discord— Free  and  Easy,  won  this 
year's  Royal  Hunt  Cup  at  Ascot.] 

Lord  ROSEBERY  ruminates  :— 
QUARREL,  by  Discord,  lands  me 

a  win, 
On  the  sum  mer-par  ched  turf  in 

the  Hunt  Cap  at  Ascot  I 

Humph  I     Are  revenges  about 

to  begin  P         [  Mascotte  ? 

Soon  shall  I  hold  a  (political) 

Discord,  from   Quarrel,  upset 

me  last  year. 
Quarrel,  from  Discord,  now 

flurries  my  foemen, 
And  Free     and    Easy  —  dear 

ARTHUR  I— I  fear 
Breedeth  this  Quarrel.    Now 

is  this  an  omen  P 
HARCOURT  and  Option— ah  well, 

never  mind  I 
Let  bygones  be  bygones  I    It 

cost  him  his  Derby, 
Bat  BALFOUR  must  be  amazingly 

bliad 
To  course  that  is  lumpy,  to 

wires  that  are  barby, 
If  he  does  not  see  that  "  his 

Royal  Hunt  Cap" 
Is  far  from  a  certainty  now 

with  his  Quarrel. 
He  stands  in  more  risk  than  I 

did  from  The  Tup, 
E'en  from  his  own  stable  I 
Now  what  is  the  moral  P 
Strongly-backed    "  certs  "  are 

bowled  over  sometimes, 
Flouted  outsiders  do  romp  in 

good  winners ; 
And  colts  charged  with  all  equine 

follies  and  crimes 
May  score  at  the  finish,  though 
doubtful  beginners ! 


Fair  Philistine.  "  I  THINK  AN  ARTIST'S  LIFE  is  PERFECTLY  OH  ARM- 
ING— TO  BE  ABLB  TO  GO  ABOUT  FROM  ONE  SEASIDE  PLACE  TO  ANOTHER, 
AND  SKETCH  ALL  THE  PRETTY  BITS  I  " 


A  QUICK  CHANGE  ARTIST. 

T  ["  I  nave  known  an  old  gentleman 
to  get  up  at  five  o'clock  every  morn- 
ing to  arrange  one  flower  pot,  one 
chair,  and  one  screen,  BO  that  they 
should  vary  each  day,  but  still  be  in 
strict  artistic  harmony  with  each 
other  all  the  time.  There  is  where 
the  Japanese  differ  from  us." — Mr. 
Mortimer  Menpet  to  Corretpondent 
of  "Daily  Newt"  in  Japan.] 

AN  ancient  Jap  it  seems  at  five 
Each  day  gets  up — his  daily  lot 

In  cunning  fashion  to  contrive 
A  chair,  a  screen,  a  pot. 

How  nice  to  see  him  as  he  sets, 
With  trembling   hands  and 
loving  care. 

To  work  until  at  last  he  gets 
A  screen,  a  pot,  a  chair. 

And  if  that  does  not  satisfy, 
A  wondrous  change  comes  o'er 
the  scene, 

Artistic  sense  is  eet  straight  by 
A  pot,  a  chair,  a  screen. 

Howbrain-exbaustingitmust  be 
To  this  old  Jap — each  day  has 
got 

To  have  its  own  device,  e.g., 
A  screen,  a  chair,  a  pot. 

Himself  in  seeking  to  adorn 
The  early  minutes  he'll  not 

spare, 
For  here  's  the  labour  of  his 

•  morn — 
A  pot,  a  screen,  a  chair. 

And  whether  in  the  mart  I  mix, 
Or  walk  alone  'mid  pastures 
green, 

I  ever  see  him  strive  to  fix 
A  chair,  a  pot,  a  screen. 


A  LITTLE  FLIRTATION. 

SCENE— A  Masked  Ball.     Enter  a  Fair  Mask,  in  a  wheat-tinted 
domino,  and  a  keen-faced  Pierrot. 

Fair  Mask.  "What,  JOEY  ?  Why,  I  hardly  knew  you  in  Pierrot 
motley. 

Pierrot.  And  may  I  know  you— without  your  mask  P 

Fair  Mask.  No,  indeed— at  least,  not  yet.   But  can  you  not  divine  1 

Pierrot.  Perhaps  thit  were  impolite,  or,  at  any  rate,  impolitic  I 

Fair  Mask  (tighing).  Posiibly  I  For  some  time  I  have  not  been  a 
persona  grata  with  you  and  your  friends. 

Pierrot.  My  old  or  my  new  ones  ? 

Fair  Mask.  Both.  I  'm  afraid  I  The  difference  is,  that  the  new 
ones  only  "di*sfmble  their  love" — for  obvious  reasons— whilst  the 
old  ones  would  fain  "  kick  me  down  stairs."  With  which  class  am  I 
to  rank  you  now,  JOSEPH  ? 

Pierrot.  It  is  easier  to  dissemble  love  than  hate.  Do  I  show  any 
signs  of  the  latter  P 

Fair  Mask  (softly).  Well.  I  admit  you  have  changed  considerably 
of  late,  and  are  ever  so  much  nicer  than  you  were— to  nous  autres— 
than  when  you  associated  with  the  Hawarden  Set,  and  railed  about 
Ilinsom.  Now,  tell  me  (seductively),  are  toe  also  not  much  nicer 
than  you  fancied  ? 

Pierrot.  Mutual  knowledge  breeds  mutual  liking— often.  And  if 
I  knew  you  better 

Fair  Mask.  Perhaps  that  were  dangerous.  I  am  terribly  taboo  to 
all  your  old  friends— and  some  of  your  new  ones,  I  fear.  Even  the 
Marquis  admits — with  sorrow,  no  doubt — that  he  sees  no  chance  of 
my  being  cordially  received  in  decent  political  society  again. 

Pierrot.  Humph  I    That  depends — on  the  name. 

Fair  Mask.  Well.  I  have  been  called  by  several  names.  "  Pro- 
tection," "Reciprocity,"  "Fair  Trade,"— oh!  all  sorts  of  amiable 
and  attractive  aliases. 

Pierrot.  Thanks  I  That  is  almost  as  good  as  lifting  your  mask. 
Bat  what  do  you  say  to  Miss  ZOLLVERBIN  ? 

Fair  Mask.  Humph  I  Sounds  a  leetle  foreign,  doesn't  it  Y 

Pierrot.  Pooh  I  We  are  all  cosmopolitan  now— in  speech.  Perhaps 
"  Customs  Union  "  would  please  you  better.  It  sounds  less  neat,  but 


means  practically  the  same.  I  am  not  one  to  squabble  over  names. 
But  what  are  the  wise  man's  counters  are  the  current  coin  of  fools. 

Fair  Mask.  I  fancied  "  Fair  Trade"  would  fetch  them,  but 

Pierrot.  It  is  rather  "blown  upon"  by  this  time,  I  fear,  like 
"Bimetallism."  As  to  "Protection,"  that,  as  SALISBURY  says,  is 
impossible— now.  But  if,  by  a  new  name,  we  can  only  a*  social*  you 
with  Patriotism,  even  you  will  soon  become  popular !  Imperial 
Free  Trade  Protected  against  the  Foreigner  I  Sarely  that  would 
"  fetch  "  both  the  "  orthodox  Free  Trader  "  and  the  Jingo. 

Fair  Mask  (archly).  And  yourself,  my  dear  JOSEPH  ? 

Pierrot  (blandly).  Do  I  look  irreconcilable  ?  Don  another  dresc, 
assume  a  new  name,  mask,  a  new  fan,  and— who  knows  P  "  What  I 
want  to  impress  upon  you  is,  my  personal  conviction  that  yon  would 
not  be  met  with  a  blank  refusal  by  the  people  of  this  country." 
Allow  me !  [Exeunt  arm-in-arm. 

"  A  BLUfcH  ROSE."— Miss  ROSA  RENNEY  gave  a  capital  recitation 
of  Mr.  F.  ANSTEY-GUTHBJE'S  Burglar  JStll  at  Steinway  Hall. 
Approbation  from  Mr.  Punch  is  praise  indeed,  and  should  bring  the 
blush  to  the  cheek  of  a  ROSA,  that  is,  if  she  possessed  "  cheek,"  which 
the  doesn't,  but  she  has  talent  and  discretion. 


BY  OUR  WELL- INFORMED  CONTRIBUTOR.  —  Last  Thursday,  at 
Mercers'  Hall,  was  held  "The  Apposition"  dinner  in  connection 
with  St.  Paul's  School.  The  rule  as  to  the  speeches  at  thh 
"Apposition  dinner"  is,  that  all  remarks  must  be  "apposite." 
Hence  the  name. 

ASTRONOMIC. — Mrs.  DOUBLE  LENS  writes  to  say  that  she  had  a 
splendid  view  of  the  Osculation  of  Jupiter  with  the  Moon,  and  hopes 
that  they  enjoyed  themselves. 

EXCELLENT  CHURCH- WORK. — Profeisor  CHURCH  has  undertaken  to 
restore  the  Statue  of  JAMES  THE  SECOND  in  Whitehall  Gardens.  As 
Professor  CHURCH  has  never  taken  it  away,  it  is  all  the  more  difficult 
for  him  to  restore  it.  But  he  is  ir  aking  the  noble  attempt  to  restore 
JAMES  who  abdicated,  and  whose  effigy  will  once  more  be  in  statu  quo. 


304 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNB  27,  1896. 


JOTTINGS   AND   TITTLINGS. 

(Bv  BABOO  HUBBY  BUNGSHO  JABBKKJKK,  B.A.) 
No.  XV. 

Mr.  Jabberjee  is  asked  out  to  dinner.  Unreasonable  behaviour  of 
h>'s  betrothed.  His  doubts  concerning  the  social  advantages  of  a 
Boarding  Establishment,  with  some  scathing  remarks  upon 
ambitious  pretenders.  He  goes  out  to  dinner,  and  meets  a 
person  of  some  importance. 

THE  pleasing  impression  produced  by  this  humble  self  upon  both 
Mister  and  Mrs.  ALLBTTT-INNETT  at  the  wedding  of  their  eldest 
daughter  became  speedily  prolific  of  golden  fruit  in  the  request  of 
the  honour  of  my  company  for  dinner  at  8.15  P.M.  on  a  subsequent 
evening. 

Incidentally  recounting  this  prime  compliment  to  my  lovely 
JESSIMINA,  I  was  astounded  that  she  did  not  share  my  jubilations, 
but  was,  on  the  contrary,  the  sore  subject  at  not  being  included  in 


such  invitation,  which,  as  I  explained,  was  totally  irrational,  seem; 

that  the  inviters  remained  unaware 

of  her  nude  existence.  She,  how- 
ever, maintained  that  I  ought  to 

have  mentioned  that    I   was   an 

affianced,  and  have  refused  to  sit 

at  any  banquet  at  which  she  was 

fobbed  off   with  a  cold  shoulder. 

This  again  was  absurd,  since  the 

moiety  of  a  loaf  is  preferable  to 

total  deprivation  of   the  staff  of 

life,  and  moreover,  in  my  country, 

it  is  customary  for  the  husband- 
elect  to  take  his  meals  apart  from 

his  bride  that  is  to  be;  nor  does 

she  ever  touch  food  until  he  has 

previously  assuaged  his  pangs  of 

hunger.    Notwithstanding,    she 

would  not  be  pacified  until  I  had 

bestowed  upon  her  a  gold  and  tur- 
quoise ring  of  best  English  work- 
manship, as  an  olive-branch  and 

calumet  of  peace. 
But,  outside  Fortioobello  House, 

I  have  been  close  as  wax  on  the 

subject  of  my  flowery  chains,  and 

it  was  especially  inconceivable  that 

I  should  inform  my  friend  HOWARD 

of  same,  since  he  has  frequently 

bantered  me  in  wonderment  that  a 

respectable  Oriental  magnate  should 

reside  in  such  a  very  ordinary  and 

third-rate  boarding  establishment, 

where  it  was  an  impossibility  to 

gain  any  real  familiarity  with  smart 

and  refined  English  society. 
And  who  knows  that  if  I  should 

introduce  Miss  JESSIE  into  corn- 
ay  of  a  superior  caste,  some 
•ughty  masculine  might  insult 

her  under  my  very  nose ;  and  lack- 

a- daisy  I  where  would  she  find  a 

protector  ?  Some  haughty  masculine  might  insult  her  under  my  very  nose.' 


of  my  abilities,  and  the  feasibility  of  my  education  at  a  London  Inn 
of  Court! 

Oh,  my  gracious  I  I  was  as  if  to  sink  through  the  carpet,  and 
sought  to  dra  w  in  my  horns  behind  a  column,  when,  to  my  uncon- 
trollable dismay,  my  hostess  led  him  towards  me,  with  the  remark 
that  he  was  probably  already  acquainted  in  India  with  His  Highness 
Prince  JABBKBJKE. 

The  Hon'ble  Retired  Judge  at  this  did  merely  rmile  indulgently, 
observing  that  India  was  a  country  of  considerable  extensiveness, 
and  inquiring  of  me  in  my  own  tongue  where  my  raj  was  situated, 
and  the  strength  of  my  army,  though  with  a  scintillation  in  his 
visual  organs  that  told  me  he  knew  me  perfectly  well. 

And  I,  realising  that  honesty  was  my  best  policy  of  insurance 
from  his  displeasure,  did  throw  myself  frankly  on  the  mercy  of  the 
Court,  ^  protesting  volubly  in  native  language  that  I  was  an 
industrious  poor  Bengali  boy,  and  had  always  regarded  him  as  my 
beloved  father ;  that  I  was  not  to  blame  because  certain  foolish, 
ignorant  persons  imagined  me  to  be  some  tpecies  of  Rajah ;  and 


I  am  certainly  oppressed  by  an  increasing  dubiety  whether  Mrs. 
MANKLETOAV  is  verily  such  an  upper  crustacean  and  habituee  of  the 
beau  monde  as  she  did  represent  herself  to  be.  It  is  well-nigh 
incomprehensible  that  any  individual  should  seek  to  appear  of  a 
higher  social  status  than  Nature  has  provided;  bat  my  youthful 
acquaintance,  AILIIUTT-INNKIT.  Jun.,  Esq.,  informs  me  that  this  is 
a  common  failing  among  the  English  classes,  who  fondly  imagine 
that  nothing  is  needed  to  render  a  frog  the  exact  equivalent  to  an 
ox  except  an  increased  quantity  of  air,  forgetting  that  if  a  frog  is 
abnormally  inflated,  it  is  apt  to  provide  the  rather  ludicrous  catas- 
trophe of  exploding  from  excessive  swellishness  I 

However,  revenons  d  not  moutons — id  est,  the  dinner  party. 

I  intended  to  be  the  early  bird  at  Prince's  Square,  but,  owing  to  a 
rarity  among  the  hansom  cabs,  did  not  arrive  until  most  of  the 
guests  were  already  assembled,  being  welcomed  with  effusive  hos- 
pitality by  the  household  god  and  goddess,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  ALLBTJTT- 
INN  VIT,  who  begged  leave  to  present  to  me  all  the  most  distinguished 
of  their  friends. 

Then— pop,  and  a  rimproviste-^-t^e  door  was  thrown  open,  and  a 
butler  announced  ore  rotundo,  Sir  CHETWYHD  CUMMERBUND,  whom, 
in  the  wink  of  an  eye,  I  recognised  as  an  ex-Justice  of  the  very 
court  in  Calcutta  in  which  my  male  progenitor  practises  as  a  mook- 
tear,  or  attorney,  and  who,  moreover,  was  familiar  with  myself 
almost  ab  ovot  having  been  more  than  once  humbly  presented  to  his 
notice  by  my  said  father,  with  a  request  for  his  patronising  opinion 


earnestly  representing  to  him  that  our  kind  mutual  hostess  would  be 

woefully  distressed  by  any  dis- 
closures. "Let  your  Hon'ble  Lud- 
ship,"  I  said.  "  only  remain  her- 
metically sealed,  and  preserve  this 
as  a  trade  secret,  and  my  sisters, 
sisters  -  in  -  law,  and  aunts  shall 
always  chant  hymns  on  the  Ganges 
for  your  Honor's  felicities  I " 

His  Honor,  laughing  good-na- 
turedly, did  tell  me  that  if  I  liked 
to  assume  the  plumes  of  a  daw,  it 
was  no  affair  of  his,  and  kindly 
promised  to  re  pect  my  confidences 
—  at  which  I  was  greatly  relieved. 
Indeed,  throughout  the  evening, 
nothing  could  excead  his  affability, 
for,  being  seated  on  the  other  side 
of  the  hostess,  opposite  myself,  he 
showed  me  the  greatest  honour  and 
deference,  frequently  requesting  my 
views  on  such  subjects  as  Increased 
Representation  of  the  People  of 
India,  the  National  Congress,  and 
so  forth ;  upon  which,  being  now 
perfectly  reassured  and  at  my  ease, 
I  discoursed  with  facundity,  and 
did  loudly  extol  the  intellectual 
capacity  of  the  Bengalis,  as  evinced 
by  marvellous  success  in  passing 
most  difficult  exams.,  and  de- 
nouncing it  as  a  crying  injustice 
and  beastly  shame  that  fullest 
political  powers  should  not  be  con- 
ceded to  them,  and  that  they 
should  not  be  eligible  for  all  civil 
appointments  part  passu,  or  even 
in  priority  to  Englishmen. 

Wherein  his  Honor  did  warmly 
agree,  assuring  me  with  fatherly 
benignanoy  of  the  pleasure  with 
which  he  would  hear  of  my  appoint- 
ment to  be  Head  of  a  District 


somewhere  on  the  Punjab  frontier,  and  mentioning  how  a  certain 
native  Bengali  gentleman  of  his  acquaintance,  Deputy-Commissioner 
GBISH  CHUNDBB  DE,  Esq.,  M.A.,  had  distinguished  himself  splen- 
didly (according  to  the  printed  testimony  of  Hon'ble  KIPLING)  in 
such  a  post  of  danger. 

I  replied,  that  I  was  not  passionately  in  love  with  personal  danger, 
and  that  in  my  owe  cedant  arma  togce,  and  my  tongue  was  mightier 
than  my  sword,  bat  that  there  was  no  doubt  that  we  Bengalis  were 
intellectually  competent  to  govern  the  whole  countrv,  provided  only 
that  we  were  backed  up  from  behind  by  a  large  English  military 
fores  to  uphold  our  authority,  as  otherwise  we  should  soon  be  the 
pretty  pickles,  owing  to  brutal  violence  from  Sikhs,  Rajputs, 
Mara'has,  and  similar  uncivilised  oarse  races. 

And  Sir  CHETWYIH)  expressed  his  lively  satisfaction  that  I  appre- 
ciated some  of  the  advantages  of  the  British  occupatior. 

Thus,  through  my  presencs  of  mind  in  boldly  grappling  with  the 
nettle,  I  turned  what  might  have  bean  a  disaster  into  a  conspicuous 
triumph,  for  all  the  company,  seeing  the  favour  I  was  in  with  such  a 
big  wig  as  Hon'ble  CUMMEBBUND,  listened  to  me  with  spell-bound 
enchantment,  especially  my  friend  HOWABD'S  sprightly  young  sister, 
a  damsel  of  distinguished  personal  attractiveness,  who  was  seated  on 
my  other  side.  Her  birth-name  is  LOUISA-GWEHDOLTN  ;  but  her 
family  and  intimates,  so  she  did  inform  me,  call  her  "  WEE- WEE." 

Of  the  dinner  itself  I  can  speak  highly,  as  being  inexpressibly 
superior,  both  in  stylishnejs  of  service  and  for  the  quality  of  the 


JUNE  27,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


305 


food,  &c ,  to  any  meals  hitherto  furnished  by  Mrs.  MANKLETOW'S 
mahogany  board.  Nevertheless,  I  wondered  to  fiad  the  ALLBUTT- 
INNETTS  behind  the  times  ia  one  respect,  viz.,  the  lighting,  which 
was  with  old-fashioned  candles  and  semi-obscured  lamps,  instead  of 
the  more  modern  and  infinitely  more  brilliant  illumination  of  gas ! 
Here,  at  least,  though  in  other  particulars  of  very  mediocre  elegance, 
I  must  pronounce  Portioobello  House  the  more  up  to  date. 

In  taking  leave,  I  did  thank  Hon'ble  Sir  CHBTWYND  CUMMER- 
BUND profusely  for  so  discreetly  retaining  its  feline  contents  within 
the  generous  bag  of  his  mouth,  whereat  he  clapped  my  back  very 
cordially,  advising  me  to  abstain  for  the  future  from  a  super- 
abundance of  frills,  since  the  character  of  a  diligent  legal  native 
student  was  a  precious  lily  that  nteded  no  princely  gilding,  and 
adding  that  he  was  indebted  to  me  for  a  most  entertaining  and 
mirthful  evening.  This  I  do  not  understand,  as  I  had  not  uttered 
any  of  the  facetious  puns  and  conceits  wherewith  it  is  my  wont — 
when  I  will*— to  set  the  table  in  a  simper. 

Bat  possibly  I  may  have  spoken  rather  humorously  unawares, 
and  it  is  proverbial  that  these  exalted  legal  luminaries  are  pleased 
with  a  rattle  and  tickled  by  a  straw. 

On  my  return  I  did  omit  to  mention  Miss  WKE-WEE  to  JESSIMINA; 
but,  after  all,  cui  bono  t 

*  This  is  a  fairly  sample  specimen,  though  I  hare  frequently  surpassed  it 
in  waggishness  and  drollery. — H.  £.  J. 

SERVICE    INTERNATIONAL. 

[At  the  Hotel  Cecil  the  curry  is  served  by  a  Hindoo  in  native  dreis.] 

A.  NOVELTY,  this,  which  in  time  might  extend 

Till  all  on  the  menu  was  handed  comme  ca, 
And  every  country  its  waiters  would  send 

To  offer  its  own  individual  plat. 

The  olives  by  Spanish  attendants  be  brought — 
Their  bull-fighting  dresses  at  first  would  look  odd ; 

A  Sootohman  would  serve  you  the  salmon  he  caught, 
A  Doggerbank  fisherman  baud  you  the  cod. 

The  plan  even  might  be  improved,  like  the  House 
Of  Commons — have  waitresses,  certain  to  please. 

The  North  would  send  maidens  to  bring  you  the  grouse, 
And  neat  little  Swiss  girls  would  offer  you  cheese. 

But  who  could  hand  turtle  ?    That  soup,  without  doubt 
(1 11  te  English,  an  Englishman  surely  th  uld  bring, 

But  he  is,  tioce  Germans  have  crowded  him  out, 
The  dodo  of  waiters,  a  quite  extinct)  thing. 

Rosbif  would  be  easy,  that  foreigners'  dish 
So  little  seen  here,  foreign  waiters  could  hand ; 

Bouillabaisse,  macaroni,  one  also  might  wish 
To  taste  as  the  product  of  some  foreign  land. 

One  waiter  hotel-keepers  could  not  engage ; 

This  system  would  happily  stand  in  the  way ; 
Unless  German  sausage  became  all  the  rag*, 

The  Diener  from  DeutscMand  would  vanish  away. 


DICKENS'S  DOMBEY  AND  SARDOU'S  SARA. 

SIB, — Last  week  your  critic  gave  a  brief  notice  of  SABA.  BEBNHABDT 
in  La  Tosca.  Every  one  conversant  with  the  play  remembers  the  great 
situation  when  La  Tosca  clutches  up  the  knife  from  the  sapper-table 
and  confronts  her  would-be  lover,  the  "  bold  bad  man,"  chief  of  the 
police,  with  the  cruel  smile  and  the  lustful  eyes.  Happening,  by 
merest  accident,  to  take  down  from  a  book-shelf  CHARLES  DICKENS'S 
Dombey  and  Son,  what  do  I  find  in  the  scene  between  Edith 
Dombey  and  Carker  of  the  gleaming  teeth  ?  This : — 

"  He  was  coming  gaily  towards  her,  when,  in  an  instant,  she  caught  the 
knife  up  from  the  table,  and  started  one  pace  back." 

The  exact  situation  in  La  Tosca.  Only — Edith  did  not  stab 
Carker,  SAKDOU  went  a  step  farther  than  DICKENS,  and  made  the 
hit  dramatically.  Bat  as  "  Todgers's  could  do  it  when  it  liked,"  so 
DICKENS,  when  going  in  for  melodrama,  could  come  out  uncommonly 
strong,  and  did  so,  too. 

By  the  way,  let  any  one  who  comes  across  this  note  refer  to 
that  chapter  (it  is  the  twenty-fourth,  in  the  second  volume),  and, 
after  noting  how  carefully  the  supper  for  two  had  been  prepared,  let 
him  wonder  who  ate  it  f  Edith  didn't ;  Carker  didn't.  Did 
Dombey^  arriving  late,  get  it  P  Or  did  the  waiters  collar  it,  by  way 
of  perquisites,  next  morning  P  Also,  who  paid  for  it  ? 

But  genius  is  above  details.  Simply  we  come  back  to  the  situation 
where  Edith  Dombey  is  the  forerunner  of  La  Tosca,  as  we  see  it  playtd 
by  SABA  SIDDOHS  BEBKHABDT.  Yours,  JOE  BAGSTOCK. 


WHAT  CAPTAIK  S-K-NDS,  THE  L.  C.  C.  FIBEMAIT,  FOBSOT.— To  in- 
vent any  escape  for  himself.  Bat  his  friends  will  provide  him  with  one. 


HENLEY  BEGATTA  IN  1900  A.D. 

[  "  The  foreign  entries  at  Henley  are  more  numerous  than  ever."— Daily 
Paper."] 

THE  usually  quiet  little  Oxfordshire  town  of  Henley  has  been  the 
scene  of  some  rf  grettable  disturbances  resulting  in  a  loss  of  life, 
which  it  is,  at  the  present  time,  impossible  to  compute.  At  the 
moment  of  sending  this  despatch,  comparative  peace  has  been  re- 
stored, owing  to  the  presence  of  two 
infantry  regiments  ana  one  of  cavalry, 
together  with  a  battery  of  artillery. 
These  have  occupied  all  the  training 
quarters  of  the  crews,  while  detach- 
ments are  constantly  pa  rolling1  the 
principal  streets.  Further  reinforce- 
ments have  just  been  sent  for  at  the 
urgent  request  of  the  Mayor  of  Henley, 
who  waited  on  the  Colonel  commanding 
with  a  bandage  over  his  right  eye  and 
his  arm  in  a  sling.  These  inj  uries  were 
received  by  him  in  the  courageous  exe- 
cution of  his  duty  as  chief  magistrate 
of  the  town.  The  stewards  of  the  Regatta,  those  of  thorn,  that  is 
to  say,  who  survive,  are  in  permanent  session  in  the  Town  Hall, 
the  walls  of  which  have  been  strengthened  by  sand-bags,  while  a 
guard  of  500  picked  men  is  disposed  in  and  ab  mt  the  building. 

Jt  is  difficult  in  the  excited  state  of  public  feeling  to  arrive  at  the 
exact  truth  of  what  happened.  It  seem*,  however,  that  in  the  first 
heat  of  the  Grand  Challenge  Cup  for  Eights,  the  Matabele  Argonauts 
(with  the  Bucks  station)  were  drawn  against  the  Sons  of  the  Nile 
from  the  Soudan.  In  the  second  heat  the  Ojibbeway  Leanders 
were  to  compete  against  the  lately  formed  Eskimo  Boat  Club. 
Owing,  however,  to  some  mistake,  arising,  probably,  from  a  defective 
knowledge  of  English,  the  Ojibbewayi  came  to  the  post  in  the  first 
heat,  and  insisted  on  starting.  The  Matabele  oarsmen  and  the  Sons 
of  the  Nile,  naturally  enough,  protested,  and  their  protest  was 
backed  by  the  Umpire,  who  ordered  the  Red  Indians  oft  the  course. 
They  refused  to  move,  and  their  stroke,  SWINGING  BUFFALO,  in  a 
moment  of  intense  irritation,  clambered  out  of  his  racing  ship  on  to 
the  launch,  and,  before  the  horrified  spectators  could  realise  what 
was  happening,  he  had  scalped  Mr.  FKANK  WILLAN  and  was  waving 
his  bloody  trophy  frantically  in  the  air.  Directly  afterwards  he  fell, 
pierced  to  the  neart  by  a  well  directed  assegai,  hurl«d  by  the  arm  of 
OOMATOFLOPOGAS,  the  coxswain  of  the  Matabele  Eight.  In  a  moment 
all  was  confusion  and  carnage.  The  spectators  on  the  banks  and  in 
the  water  took  up  the  quarrel,  and  a  hideous  scene  of  promiscuous 
massacre  ensued.  The  air 
became  black  with  the 
arrows  of  the  Ojibbeways, 
the  assegais  of  the  Matabele 
and  the  spear j  of  the  fierce 
Soudanese  Arabs.  The  local 
volunteers  and  the  county 
police  were  powerless  to 
quell  the  conflict,  which 
raged  without  interruption 
for  three  hours.  The  river 
is  strewn  with  the  wreckage 
of  house-boats  and  craft  of 
all  sorts,  and  dead  bodies  to 
the  number  of  three  hundred  and  sixtv-two  have  already  been  taken 
out  of  the  water  and  laid  in  rows  for  identification.  It  is  gratifying 
to  note  that  on  this  occasion  Russians,  Germans,  Frenchmen,  Italians, 
Dutchmen,  Spaniards,  Americans,  and  Englishmen  forgot  their  inter- 
national rivalries,  and  fought  side  by  side  in  defence  of  law  and  order. 
The  incident  has,  unfortunately,  rendered  it  necessary  to  cancel  the 
Regatta  fixture,  and  all  entrance-fees  will  be  returned  to  the  captains 
of  crews,  or  to  their  executors  and  administrators. 


DARBY  JONES  RIGHT  AGAIN. 

RESPECTED  SIB,— Just  a  few  lines  to  remind  you  that  the  old  man 
was  again  on  the  spot,  and  wrote— 

"  Don't  quarrel  with  the  Easter  boon  I  tip." 

Thus  did  I  place  the  winner  of  the  Rjyal  Hunt  Cap  at  Ascot  first 
in  the  field.  Then  I  go  on  to  say— 

41  Though  I  own  a  sheep's  condition 
May  disclose  the  imposition 
Of  a  quack." 

The  Tup  ran  third.  But  remember  that  in  each  and  everv  contest 
the  first  will  always  be  Yours  respsctfully,  DABBY  JONES. 

P.S.— I  have  something  "  snug"  for  the  Newmarket  July  Meeting. 
£10  a  head  for  information. 


306 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAEI. 


[JUNE  27,  1896. 


ILE    MONDE 


L'ON    S'AMUSE. 


Weary  Chaperon  (1.45  A.M.).  "How  INSUFFBBABLY  HOT  ir  is,  MAUD— AND  HOW  BIDI- 

CULOUSLY  CROWDED   THE   ROOMS  ABB  I" 

Maud,  "OH,  IT  WILL  BB  MUCH  BETTER  IN  ANOTHER  HOUR  OR  TWO,  AUNT  MART  I" 


ME.  PUNCH'S  PLEA 

On  Behalf  of  the  Elizabeth  Rimdle-Charles 

Memorial. 

[Mrs.  ELIZABETH  RuNDLE-CHAKLES-the  much- 
esteemed  authoress  of  that  fine  book,  The  Sehom- 
berg-Gotha  Family,  took  a  deep  interest  in  the 
North  London  Hospital  for  Consumption.  As  a 
fitting  memorial  to  an  excellent  writer  and  most 
charitable  lady,  it  is  proposed  to  endow  in  that 
hospital "  The  Elizabeth  Bundle-Charles  Bed,"  thus 
at  once  honouring  her.  and  "  forwarding  the  work 
so  dear  to  her  heart."] 

A  GENTLE  lady  and  her  gererous  task 
Honour  and  help  at  once !    And  [who  could 
ask 

Pleasauter  double  duty  ? 
Her  life  was  like  her  books,  divinely  moved 
To  service  of  the  two  high  things  she  loved, 

Charity  and  chaste  beauty. 


Her  words  spake  to  the  world,  but  those  sick 

wards 
Best  knew  her  work,  which  also  was  her 

Lord's, 

Unselfish  help  and  healing. 
The   sick,  the  suffering,  the   fate-stricken 

poor, 

Will  see  that  sympathetic  smile  no  more 
Through  griefs  grey  shadows  stealing. 

Punch  asks  his  friends  to  help  perpetuate 
The  light  of  a  life's  labour,  dedicate 

To  heaven  and  to  humanity. 
Let  this  Memorial  be  the  public  care, 
In  honour  of  true  heart  and  talent  rare, 

For  these  things  are  not  vanity  ! 


Subfcriptions  to  be  sent  to  the  Hon.  Trea- 
rer, BASIL  WOODD  SMIT 
Lodge,  Hampstead  Heath, 


. 

surer,  BASIL  WOODD  SMITH.  Esq.,  Branch  Hill 
N.  W. 


OOM!     SWEET  OOM  ! 

AIB — "  Home  !    Sweet  Home  !  " 

'Mm  castles  and  palaces  tho'  he  mayn't  boom, 

Though  his  dress  may  be  humble,  there's  no 
boss  like  Oom. 

Fine  skill  in  his  play  seems  to  score  and  to 
scare. 

Which  diplomat   nous   cannot   equal   else- 
where. 

Oom  I    Oom  I    Cute,  cute  Oom  1 
There 's  no  PAUL  like  Oo-om  I    There 's  no 
PAUL  like  Oom  I 

Though  JOE'S  invitation  might  tempt  you  in 

vain, 
0  come,  PAUL — says  Punch— to  our  ilnres 

o'er  the  main  I 
The  Boers,  whom    Punch   honours,   won't 

question  his  call, 
So  throw  over  LETDS  I    You  '11  be  welcomed 

by  all! 

Oom  I    Oom !    Tanta  and  Oom  ! 
There 's  no  guest  like  Oo-om  I    There 's  no 

guest  like  Oom  I 


THE  LIQUOB  COMMISSION.— So  valuable  was 
the  evidence  given  by  Sir  HARRY  BODKIN 
POLAND,  Q,.C.,  Reoorder  of  Dover,  during  his 
three  days'  examination,  and  so  full  of  infor- 
mation was  it  as  to  such  intricate  questions  as 
the  meaning  of  "  entire  "  and  "fine  ales,"  that 
reeing  how  Kent  is,  par  excellence,  the  Hop 
County,  no  other  County  being  so  Hopulent, 
and  as  it  has  quite  a  Hop-population  which 
may  be  considered  as  represented  at  Dover  by 
a  "bare  Bodkin,"  Sir  HABRT'S  name  and 
title  is  in  future  to  be  "Sir  HARBY  HOP- 
POLE-LAND,  Q,.C." 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

A  THIRSTY  SOUL  AT  ASCOT  TOASTS  HIS 

MISTRESS. 
THB  burning  eun  with  cruel  ray 

Pours  down  on  my  too  tender  head  ; 
The  scene  is  lively,  joyous,  gay, 

And  yet  I  wish  that  I  were  dead. 
I  will  not  Pioebus  so  malign 

As  now  to  pray  for  pelting  rain  ; 
No  I  No !  my  comfort  I  '11  resign, 

And  pledge  your  eyes  in  iced  champagne. 

Just  now  I  said  I  would  tha£I 

With  life  had  ended  ;  but  that  vin 
Has  quite  revoked  my  wish  to  die^— 

Bat  then  I  have  backed  Arlequin. 
A,"  monkey  "  is  a  pleasant  thing 

To  help  one  from  a  settling  mess. 
That  cork  sends  forth  a  tempting  ring, 

Your  health,  my  love,  in  B.  and  S. 

A  Jnoble  drink  I  you  look  superb 

With  lace  and  lawn :  a  bishop's  bride  ! 
And  smile  upon  the  "  youths  imberb  "j 

With  CLIOPATBA'B  aspic  pride. 
Another  winner  I    Sauce  Tartare 

To  life  now  adds  an  extra  zest ; 
Here's  what  we  ought  to  be  and  are, 

The  betters  quaffing  of  the  best  I 

'Tis  most  unkind  of  you  to  sneer 

That  luck  has  made  me  drunk  with  joy 
My  happiness,  of  course,  is  clear, 

But  is  not  caused  by  too  much  "  boy." 
Now  listen.    You  on  Tuesday  next, 

Shall,  well  cheque-mated,  sally  out. 
There,  dearest,  you  're  no  longer  vex'd, 

But Christopher  I   that  twinge  of 

gout  I 

"THE  GENEROUS  GIFT  or  £100,000 'FOB 
A  TOWN  HALL  AT  EDINBURGH."  —  Every- 
where, nowadays,  we  hear  that  "  the  school- 
master is  abroad " ;  therefore  is  it  an 
exceptionally  beneficial  thing  for  Edinburgh 
to  have  an  Usher  at  home. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— JUNE  27,  1896. 


PUNCH  AT  PRETORIA. 

MB.  PUNCH  (Universal  Secretary  of  State}.  "THANK  YOU,  MR.  PRESIDENT,  FOR  YOUR  GENEROUS  TREATMENT 
OF  THE  PRISONERS.  IF  YOUR  HONOUR  WILL  REFUSE  TO  FOLLOW  •  UNFRIENDLY  LEYDS,'  AND  CAN  SEE 
YOUR  WAY  TO  PAYING  US  A  VISIT  NOW,  WE  SHALL  GIVE  YOU  A  MOST  HEARTY  WELCOME  I  » 


JUNK  27,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


309 


ESSENCE   OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTKACTED   FBOM   THE   DIAKT   OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Mnnday,  June  15  — "  Tout  est  perdu,  furs- 
let  vacances,"  sa'd  the  Member  for  Saik,  dropping  into  the  tongae 
still  spoken  among  his  constituent'. 

That  certainly  seems  to  be  result  of  Sssrioa  at  epoch  reached  by 
PBTNCE  ABTHTTB'S  speech  to-day.  Been  great  meeting  of  Party  at 
Foreign  Office.  Summons  by  Ministry  of  day  to  their  followers  to 
0'>me  and  talk  matters  over  has  ever  bean  the  last  rewurce  of  noble 
minds.  To-day's  proceedings  supply  HO  variation  to  rule.  Matters 
in  Commons  reacmd  muddle  out  of  which  there  is  no  _  issue  with 
programme  as  it  stand3,  cum  determination  to  adjourn  in  time  for 

grouse.  PBINCE  AB- 
THITB  feels  himself  per- 
sonally and  directly 
pltdged  to  break  up 
school  on  or  about  the 
12th  of  August.  If 
performance  of  pledge 
mvolves  breaking  up  of 
Education  Bill  also,  and 
total  abandonment  of 
other  measures,  so  much 
the  worse  for  them. 
Thus  it  comes  to  pass,  as 
SABK  says,  all  is  lost 
save  the  holiday. 

PBINCE  ABTHUB  has 
pretty  way  of  fronting 
exceptional  expectation 
with  countenance  and 
manner  of  preterna- 
tural unconsciousness. 
Of  course,  everybody 
(especially  those  who 
were  not  present)  knew 
all  about  Foreign  Office 
meeting.  House 
crowded  in  anticipation 
of  what  the  Leader 
would  say  thereanent, 
and  how  he  would 
phrase  his  communica- 
tion. When  SQTTIBE  OF 
MALWOOD  asked  whe- 
ther he  had  any  state- 
ment to  make,  the 
PBINCE  regarded  him 
with  air  of  puzzled  interest.  What  could  he  mean  P  After  moment's 
pause,  he  rose  and  mentioned,  quite  incidentally,  that  whole  arrange- 
ments of  Sesf ion  were  rem<  delled.  Would  go  on  for  further  fort- 
night in  Committee  on  Education  Bill ;  would  then  hang  it  up 
to  dry  till  January;  would  proceeed  to  pick  up  any  crumbs  of 
legislation  that  might  have  fallen  from  the  table ;  would  in  any  case 
adjourn  for  holidays  about  middle  of  August. 

This  a  pretty  piece  cf  acting,  though  not  easy  to  see  why  it  should 
have  been  thought  necessary  or  appropriate  to  occasion.  Bettor  still 
a  couple  of  hours  later,  when  JOHN  o'  GOBST,  leader  in  the  Educa- 
tion Bill  tandem,  turned  round,  and  ominously  pricked  up  his  ears 
under  nose  of  driver  on  box  seat.  Last  Thursday  PKIXCE  ABTIIPB 
threw  over  GOBST  on  important  amendment  of  Education  Bill. 
GOBST,  as  Minister  in  charge  of  Bill,  resisted  ROLLING-STONE 
ROLLIT'S  proposal  to  add  the  Councils  of  boroughs  of  20,000  inhabit- 
ants to  number  of  local  authorities  created  by  B01.  PBINCE  ABTHTTB, 
blandly  observing  that  weight  of  argument  was  in  favour  of  Amend- 
ment, straightway  accepted  it. 

JOHN  o'  GOBST  said  nothing  then,  hut  to-night  took  it  out  of  his 
esteemed  Leader.  Only  thing  needed  for  completion  of  scene  was 
presence  in  Peers'  Gallery  of  GKA.ND  CROSS.  June  seems  to  he  the 
month  when  JOHN  o'  GOBST  lets  himself  go.  It  was  in  June,  1891, 
he  delivered  the  famous  Manipur  speech,  the  most  exquisite  and 
boldest  piece  of  irony  ever  spoken  in  the  Commons.  To-night  he 
out-manipured  Manipur.  PBINCE  ABTHTTB  not  in  his  place  when 
what  SQUIBE  OF  MALWOOD  wittily  called  the  boomerang  was  let  fly. 
Pale  scouts  went  in  search  of  him.  A«  he  walked  in,  he  could  only 
guess  what  had  happened.  There  sat  the  Opposition,  quizzical, 
hilarious,  closely  watching.  PBINCE  ABTHTJB  strolled  to  his  place, 
with  just  the  slightest  flush  on  his  fair  cheek,  with  carefully  manifest 
attempt  to  suppress  a  yawn,  with  general  air  suggesting  that  if  he 
were  at  the  trouble  to  address  the  Chairman  he  would  observe,  "Dear 
me,  Mr.  LOWTHEB,  don't  von  find  it  oppressively  hot  P" 
Business  done. — The  Education  Bill's. 

Tuesday.— Major  BANES  (3rd  Essex  Artillery  Volunteers)  limbered 
up  just  now;  got  range  of  Treasury  Bench ;  raked  it  fore  and  aft 


"  If  the  Clergy  come  on  my  platform,  I  push 
them  off."    (Major  B-n-s.) 


with  murderous  fire  that  nearly  blew  JOHN  o'  GOBST  into  arms  of 
PBINCE  ABTHOB.  In  times  of  peace,  when  the  Major  makes  his 
helmet  a  hive  for  bees,  he  is  a  wharfinger  and  bonded  warehouse- 
man, of  Mark  Lane  and  Wapping.  Even  when  in  mufti,  military 
strategy  instinctive  with  him.  Thus  to-night,  thermometer  being 
77"  in  the  shade,  he  thoughtfully  denuded  of  the  letter  "h"  all 
words  which,  according  to  common  practice,  give  it  precedence  in 
their  orthography. 

"I  'ope  Sir  JOHN,"  said  the  Major,  mopping  his  glistening  fure- 
head,  "  won't  leave  West  'Am  out  in  the  cold." 

West  Ham  is  all  very  well  for  a  Winter  Session;  in  these 
tropical  days  West  'Am  is  distinctly  more  agreeable.  Just  approach- 
ing dinner  hour.  Whether  designedly  or  not,  Major's  way  of  putting 
it  suggested  all  a  sensible  man  would  care  for  dinner  on  such  a  night. 
A  slice  of  cold  'am,  a  crusty  roll  of  bread,  and  a  pint  of  Pommery, 
not  too  much  iced,  but  iced  enough. 

That  an  idle  fancy  born  of  approach  to  eight  o'clock.  The  Major 
thinking  of  something  much  more  important  than  dinner.  Is  con- 
cerned for  the  interests  of  forty  thousand  school  chi  dren,  in  a  grtat 
constituency  that  knew  a  good  man  when  they  met  him  on  a  wharf  or  in 
a  bonded  warehouse.  So  placed  Maj ,  r  at  head  of  poll  without  his  going 
out  of  way  to  so'icit  vote.  That  was  what  nerved  the  Major  to  raise 
flag  of  revolt  against  his  own  leaders.  A  fine  figure  he  presented  as  he 
stood  on  back  bench  below  gangway,  his  white  waistcoat  gleaming 
in  the  gathering  twilight,  his  face  flashed  with  honest  emotion,  his 
left  hand  in  his  pocket,  his  right  beating  the  air  with  c^py  of  the 
Orders  of  the  Day,  tightly  rolled  up  BJ  as  to  represent  the  linstock 
of  the  gun  he  had  just  fired  off  at  Education  Bill. 

"  I  want  to  sea  Voluntary  Schools  assisted,"  said  the  Major,  "  hut 
don't  want  to  sse  Board  Schools  degraded.  We  all  know  where  the 
e?il  influence  at  the  bottom  of  this  business  comes  from.  It  comes 
from  the  Church,"  he  added,  feeling  ia  his  trowser  pocket  for 
another  cartridge.  "The  Government  has  got  very  bad  advisers. 
The  Clergy  are  not  Ken  cf  business — never  were.  If  they  come  on 
my  platform,  I  push  them  off."  Here  a  vigorous  wave  of  the  linstook 
which  had,  early  ia  the  oration,  cleared  the  space  within  range  of  its 
movement,  Members  preferring  to  watch  the  action  from  safe 
distance. 

Business  done. — Education  Bill  having  bad  time. 

Thursday.  —  "  Been 
in  the  House  for  twenty- 
six  years,"  said  big 
JOHN  KENNAWAY. 
"Often  said  a  few 
words  in  its  ear ;  never 
till  to-night  discovered 
that  I  am  born  Parlia- 
mentary orator.  Feel 
like  that  chap  in  the 
French  play  who  sud- 
denly found  out  he'd 
been  talking  prose  all 
his  life.  So  I  find  that 
GLADSTONE  isn't  in  it 
with  me,  and,  as  for 
HABCOTTBT,  I  can  give 
him  ten  minutes'  start 
and  a  beating.  Plea- 
sant to  be  recognised, 
even  though  a  little  late 
in  the  day.  Shall  give 
'em  some  more  since 
they  seem  to  like  it." 

Sir  JOHN'S  speech  cer- 
tainly made  sensation: 
roused  Opposition  to 
loftiest  heights  of  hila- 
rious cheering.  Minis- 
teralists  ominously 
dumb.  Treasury  Bench 
empty,  save  for  JOHN 
o'  GOBST  and  GEOBGIE 
HAMILTON.  Sign  of  the 
times  that  GK  H.  has 
broken  out  again  in 
old  passion  for  tearing  up  slips  of  paper  into  minutest  fragments. 
Carefully,  with  precise  measure  of  forefinger,  he  tears  off  slip  from 
Orders  of  the  Day,  folds  and  re-folds  it  as  if  life  depended  upon 
exactness  of  size,  then  sedulously  rends  it. 

"  Looks  stupid,  I  know,  dear  TOBY,"  he  said.  "  Thought  I  'd  got 
over  it ;  but  it 's  like  the  passion  for  drink.  Kept  the  pledge  for 
months:  suddenly  break  out  and  am  as  bad  as  ever.  But  what 
would  you  P  Fancy  Prince  ABTHUR  putting  me  in  charge  of  JOHN 
o'  GOBST  and  this  precious  Education  Bill  whilst  he  goes  off  and 
thiaks  matters  over.  JOHN  or  Bill,  taken  singly,  enough  to  wear  a 
man  out.  The  combination  appalling.  Why  should  it  be  me? 


"  Too  big  to  be  settled  in  a  hurry.' 
(Sir  John  K-nn-w-y.) 


310 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  27,  1896, 


Brown.  "CONFOUND  IT!    DONE  AGAIN  I    I  LOSE  ON  EVERY  RACE.     (To  Barber.)   HERE'S 
YOUR  SHILLING." 

Barber.  "COULDN'T  THINK  OF  TAKING  IT,  SIB.    JUST  WON  £500  ON  THE  H ASCOT  CUP  1" 


What  has  the  Secretary  of  State  for  India  to 
do  with  the  Education  Bill?  'My  dear 
GEORGE,'  said  Prince  ARTHUR,  when  I  put  it 
to  him,  '  you  see,  we  must  be  consistent.  "We 
brought  the  Indian  troops  to  the  Soudan,  and 
on  same  principle  we  bring  Secretary  of  State 
for  India  to  relief  of  E  iuoation  Bill  muddle.' " 
_  KENNA WAY'S  speech  that  made  such  sensa- 
tion was  delivered  from  Ministerial  Benches 
dead  against  Education  Bill.  That's  why 
Opposition  shout  and  throw  up  their  caps.  No 
more  esteemed  man  on  Conservative  side  than 
JOHN  KENNA  WAT.  If  he  turns  and  rends  the 
Ministerial  Bill,  its  case  seems  hopeless.  So 
SQUIRE  OF  MALWOOD  and  HENRY  FOWLER 
take  the  burly  baronet  in  hand,  and  rub  him 
in,  as  it  were,  on  PRINCE  ARTHUR,  who,  as 
usual  when  the  music  grows  louder,  has  been 
brought  back  to  face  it  from  the  Treasury 
Bench. 

.Business  done.  —  A  lively  night  in  Com- 
mittee on  Education  Bill.  JOHN  KKNNAWAY 
mutinies  under  command  of  Major  BANES. 

Friday. — After  week's  fitful  fever,  House 
sleeps  well  in  Committee  of  Supply  on  Army 
Estimates.  Quite  refreshing  this  thirsty 
weather  to  have  GEORGE  WYNDHAM  coming 
in  with  bottle  of  pop  in  one  hand,  and  sample 
of  home-made  soda-water  in  other.  As  WIL- 
FRID LAWSON  says,  if  he'd  only  a  flask  of 
brandy  in  breast  coat-pocket,  and  some  crushed 
ice  in  neighbourhood  of  his  ooat-taili,  we 
might  make  a  night  of  it. 

GEORGE,  it  seems,  has  some  friends  in  the 
mineral  water  way.  In  certain  canteens  at 
Dover  the  young  oflioers,  oommendably 


anxious  to  avoid  giving  Satan  a  chance,  have 
occupied  otherwise  idle  hands  in  brewing 
ginger-beer  and  similar  recondite  refresh- 
ment. WYNDHAM'S  friends  resent  this  as 
interfering  with  business.  BRODRICK  ex- 
plains that  Secretary  of  State  for  War  has 
spent  restless  nights  in  thinking  matter  over. 
Commander-in-Chief  takes  long  solitary  rides 
revolving  it.  At  present  not  disposed  to 
revolutionary  steps.  Business  done.  —  Talk 
about  ginger-beer  and  soda-water,  think 
about  Education  Bill  and  probable  next  move. 


HOW  SHOULD  A  LADY  ALIGHT  FROM  A 
BIKE? 

THE  Westminster  Budget,  after  giving  some 
doggerel  lines  instructing  ladies  how  to  mount 
their  bicycles  gracefully  (ugh  /).  asks,  "  Will 
some  other  rhymster  tell  them  how  to  get  off 
their  machines  gracefully  ?"  Why,  certainly ! 

To  quit  the  wheel  with  perfect  grace, 

Your  trotters  on  the  pedals  place ; 

See  that  your  lover  is  around 

To  save  from  impact  with  the  ground. 

Then  gradually,  without  fuss, 

Deprive  the  bike  of  impetus. 

Your  hands  then  quit  the  handle-bar. 

(Too  dainty  for  its  grip  by  far. ) 

Then  feel  your  feet,  until  you  see, 

Quite  close,  the  not  impossible  He. 

Then,  without  haste,  or  jerk,  or  fright, 

Fall  in  his  arms  !    He  '11  hold  you  tight  I 

Then  vow,  when  the  dismounting 's  o'er, 

Never  to  mount  the  horror  more  ! 


A  WILD  AUTUMN; 

Or,  Sport  versus  Party. 

["  The  graceless  Member  of  Parliament  says  to 
his  clerical  friends  and  supporters : — '  I  am  very 
sorry,  but  you  must  go  on  with  the  intolerable 
strain,  for  an  Autumn  Session  is  to  me  an  into- 
lerable strain.  Grouse  in  August,  partridges  in 
September,  pheasants  in  October,  then  foxes,  and 
then  we  shall  be  very  well  disposed  to  consider  the 
Clergy,  the  Voluntary  Schools,  and  the  Children.' 
We  are  in  for  a  wild  autumn."— Mr.  John  Morley 
at  Manchester.] 

Sporting  Patriot  loquitur: — 

WELL,  what  is  there  here  that 's  affronting  ? 
Just/ancy  the  folly  of  shunting, 

For  pureons  and  schools 

(They  must  fancy  us  fools), 
The  pleasures  of  shooting  and  hunting  I 

That  were  a  "  wild  autumn,"  by  Jingo  I 
When  sport  is  the  only  true  stingo 

'Twere  mighty  absurd 

To  miss  barrel  and  bird 
For  the  sake  of— JOHN  MORLEY'S  stale  lingo  I 

The  parsons  are  all  very  proper. 

To  plump  Mother  Church's  lean  coffer, 

And  smash  the  School  Board, 

Summer  days  I  '11  afford, 
But  Autumn  I  really  can't  offer  I 

We  cannot  go  shooting  by  proxies ! 
Grouse,  partridges,  pheasants,  and  foxes 

To  miss  once  again, 

Under  Unionist  reign, 
The  prospect  were  dark  as  old  Nox's  I 


ECHOES  PROM  THE  THAMES. 

SCENE — House-  boat  in  a  good  position.  TIME 
— Evening  during  "the  Regatta  week." 
PRESENT  (on  deck  in  cozy  chairs)  —  He 
and  She. 

She.  Very  pretty,  the  lights,  are  they  not  ? 

lie.  Perfectly  charming.  So  nice  after  the 
heat. 

She.  Yes,  and  really,  everything  has  been 
delightful. 

He.  Couldn't  possibly  be  better.  Won- 
derful how  well  it  can  be  done. 

She.  Yes.  But,  of  course,  it  wants  man- 
agement. You  know  a  lot  comes  down  from 
town. 

He.  Will  the  stores  send  so  far  P 

She.  Yes,  and  if  they  won't  others  will. 
And  then  the  local  tradespeople  are  very 
obliging. 

He.  But  don't  the  servants  rather  kick  at 
it? 

She.  No,  because  they  are  comfortable 
enough.  Pat  them  up  in  the  neighbourhood. 

He.  Ah,  to  be  sure.  And  your  brother 
looks  after  the  cellar  so  well. 

She.  Yes,  he  in  quite  a  genius  in  that  line. 

He.  And  it 's  awfully  nice  chatting  all  day. 

She.  Yes,  when  one  doesn't  go  to  sleep. 

He.  And.  of  course,  we  can  fall  back  upon 
the  circulating  libraries  and  the  newspapers. 

She.  And  so  much  better  than  town.  It 
must  be  absolutely  ghastly  in  Piccadilly. 

He.  Yes,  BO  I  hear.  And  then  there's  the 
racing  I 

She.  Ah,  to  be  sure.  To  tell  the  truth,  I 
didn't  notice  that  very  much.  Was  there  any 
winning? 

He.  Oh,  yes,  a  lot.  But  I  really  quite 
forget  what 

She.  Oh,  never  mind.  We  can  read  all 
about  it  in  to-morrow's  papers,  and  that  will 
be  better  than  bothering  about  it  now. 

[Scene  closes  in  to  soft  music  on  the  banjo. 


NEW   VERSION   OF   AN    OLD    SONG   FOB 
HENLEY  REGATTA. — Yale  I  Columbia. 


JUNE  27,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


311 


ACCRA-WAITING  Situation  (An),  69 

Adelphi  Adollified,  61 

After  the  Epsom  Week  is  over,  281 

After,  the  Play  was  over,  205 

Alfred  among  the  Immortals,  147 

Alfred  to  Alfred,  65 

All  round  her  Hat,  161 

Anglo-American  Family  Tree  (The),  29 

Antiquarian  and  Modern,  249 

April  Shower  (An),  216 

Archaeological  Mem.,  41 

'Arry  an'  Oom  Paul,  5>4 

'Arry  on  African  Affairs,  90 

'Arry  on  Blues  and  Bluestockings,  135 

'Arry  on  Spring-time  and  Sport,  184 

As  it  may  be,  216 

At  it  again  1  28 

At  School,  117 

At  the  Royal  Academy,  227,  246 

Augustan  Age  at  Olympia  (The),  12 

Author  Baiting  and  its  Remedy,  225 

BALLADE  of  Fashion  (A),  £91 

Ballade  of  Happiness,  51 

Bare  Idea  (The),  169 

"  Beautiful,  bouncing  Budget "  (The),  195 

Beautycides  (The),  5 

"  Be  Merry  and  Wise  1 "  273 

Berlin  Wool  Gathering,  34 

"  Betrayed  by  the  Interviewer,"  87 

Better  than  Leather,  111 

Bike  t  Bike  1  Bike  1  258 

"  Birdie,"  94 

Bold  Buccaneer  (The),  251 

Book  of  the  Week  (The),  49 

Bounteous  Guy,  293 

Bridge  of  Sighs  (The),  10 

Britannia's  Soliloquy,  27 

Broken  on  the  Wheel,  275 

Burns  on  Bills,  141 

By  the  Beach,  118,  137 

CABBY  ;  or,  Reminiscences  of  the  Rank 

and  the  Road,  87,  112,  165 
Case  in  Court  re-heard  (A),  13 
Case  of  Conscience  (A),  291 
Channel  Chit  Chat,  60 
Chaperon's  Vade  Meeum  (The),  285 
Charity  covers  a  Multitude  of— Cupids, 

MO 

££lf 

Charles  our  Friend,  221 

Charley  and  the  Navy,  147 

Chaunt  of  the  Bodley  Head  (The),  121 

"  Chestnut  Sunday,"  257 

Children's  Cornucopia  (The),  119 

Classical  Fragment  (A),  291 

"  Clients  feel  Cheap  to-day,"  128 

Cockawhoop  Criticism,  106 

Colourable,  177 

"  Come  hither,  Hubert  1 "  53 

Coming  Race  (The),  155 

Common  or  Garden  Rhymes,  198,  209, 

233,  255 
Condensed  Confidence,  45,  72,   £9,  106, 

186,  161,  217,  253 
Congratulations  from  the  Elysian  Fields, 

13 

Consulting  the  Oracle,  270 
Cool  and  Collected  Calendar  (A),  108 
Correct  Misprint  (A),  273 
Cosier  Cots,  105 
Cioss  Questions,  239 
<-ry  of  a  Hungry  Biped  (The),  45 
Cry  of  the  Income-tax'd,  22 
Cuckoo !  117,  149 
Cnrzon  and  Crises,  169 
DARBY  Jones  on  the  Royal  Hunt  Cup,  289 
Darby  Jones  right  again,  805 
Derby  a  few  Years  hence  (The),  275 


Dickens's  Dombey  and  Sardou's  Sara,  305 

Dickens  up  to  Date,  46 

Difficulty  (A),  143 

Doctor's  Treatment  (The),  57 

Dog-gerel  anent  a  Dramatic  J.P.,  289 

Dollars  and  Sense,  167 

"  Drawing  Pictures,"  156 

Drawing  the  Line,  101 

"  Dr.  Birch  and  his  Young  Friends,"  6 

Dutchman's  Wee  Dog  (The),  72 

Dutch  Rum-mun  Law,  234 

EASTBOURNE  for  the  Czar,  257 

Echoes  from  Berlin,  145 

Echoes  from  the  Thames,  310 

Encore,  Sara !  297 

Essence  of  Parliament,  £3,  95,  107,  119, 
131,  143,  155,  167,  179,  190.  208,  215, 
228,  239,  251,  263.  287,  29f>,  309 

Everyone's  Good  Health  1  24 

Extra  Big  D  (An),  58 

Extract  from  a  Spinster's  Diary,  162 

FALL  of  Fogson  (The),  82 

Fame,  94 

Fashionable  Arrangements,  84 

Fashionable  Movements,  123 

Few  Pictures  (A),  150 

Figures  of  Fun,  177 

"  For  the  Crown,"  <fec.,  129 

"  Fourth  "  Form  at  Eton  (The).  285 

Friendly  Word  with  the  War  Wizird  (A), 
3J 

From  a  Transvaalian  Edition  of  Shak- 
speare,  57 

From  H-ly  to  S-xt-n,  94 

From  the  Diary  of  a  Laureate,  81 

Fulfilled  Prophecy  (A),  285 

GALLANT  Constable  (The),  245 

"  Garden  that  I  love  "  (The),  33 

German  Emperor  to  the  Cambridge  Uni- 
versity Boat-Club  (The),  19i 

"Glorious,  by  Jingo  I  "  97 

Going  a  Degree  better,  69 

"  Going  Two  better,"  76 

Goldie,  213 

Golf  in  Zummerzet,  257 

Good  Old  Dutch  I  89 

Grasse,  210 

HAPPY  Pair,  100 

Harrowed  Etonian  (A),  301 

Haunted  Hat  (The),  9 

Haunted  House  (A),  225 

Henley  Regatta  in  1J.OO  A.D.,  305 

Her  "  Bedside  Manna,"  177 

"  Here  we  are  again  1 "  24 

Hey,  Presto  I  4 

High-mettled  Racer  (The).  2C5 

History  at  the  Royal  Academy,  217 

Home  1    Dull  Home  I  1 23 

"  How  art  thou  translated  1 "  75 

How  should  a  Lady  alight,  &c.,  810 

How  to  enjoy  the  Bank  Holiday,  263 

How  to  Keep  a  Diary,  12 

Hyde  Park  Theatre  (The),  161 

IMPERIAL  Interview  (An),  130 

Imperial  Question  (An),  63 

Important  Historical  Mem.,  172 

"  Improvement  of  London  "  (The),  11 

Incomplete  London  Letter  (The),  77 

In  Defence  of  the  Bounder,  262 

Infant  Reformed  (The),  77 

logoldsby  and  Shakspeare,  84 

In  Memoriam,  58 

In  Painter's  Corner,  78 

Interview  (An),  58 

Interview  in  Common  Form  (An),  10 

Into  Spain.  240 

Iron  Age  (The),  126 


JACKY  at  the  Mansion  Houa 

Jeer,  Boys,  Jeer  !  58j 

Jim  and  Jills,  111 

Joking  Oak  (The),  75 

Jottings  and  Tittlings,  16,  25,"64,  88,  194 

148,  160,  180,  191,  196,  220,  256,  280,  304 
Journalism  made  Easy,  201,  219 
Journalistic  Jubilee  (A),  42 
KALENDAR  of  Friendship  (The),  11 
Kerr  voulez-vous  chez  Terry  ?  105 
Kokofukul  27 
LAND  Ho  !  213 
Last  Galop  (The),  262 
Latest  Quotations,  143 
Latest  Style  of  Musical  Criticism,  219 
Laureate's  First  Ride  (The),  33 
Law  and  the  Laundry  (The),  42 
Lay  of  the  Union  Jack  (The),  46 
"  Leo  the  Terrible,"  253 
"  Le  Sport"  in  the  Basses  Pyrenees,  60 
Light  in  Egyptian  Darkness,  183 
Literary,  190 
Literary  Scraps,  166 
Litigation    in    England    v.    Quarrelling 

"  Made  in  Germany,"  208 
Little  Flirtation  (A),  303 
Little  Moscow-Raid  (A),  281 
Little  Walk  (A),  192 
Live  and  Let  Live,  240 
London  Lackpenny,  222 
London  Ratepayer's  Vade  Mecum  (The), 

233 

Long  Ago  Legends,  12,  84,  197 
Long  and  the  Short  of  it  (The),  85 
Lord  Leighton,  60 
L.  8.  D..J01 

MANY  Happy  Returns,  278 
Mary  Anner  on  Marble  'Alls  and  Ameri- 
can Notions,  85 
Master  William,  251 
Meek  Mike  and  his  Arch  Angel,  40 
Meter  of  Gaslight,  atone  1  269 
Metropolitan  Statues  Supply  Association 

(The),  123 

Midsummer  Madness,  SOI 
Mild  McCarthy,  76 
Milliner  Muse  (The),  99 
Millions  and  Millionaires,  227 
Missing  Man  (The)  59 
Moan  of  a  Ministerialist.  262 
Monte  Carlo  Hotel  Bill  (A),  169 
More  Depression  1  226 
Mounted  Pedestrian's  Vade  Mecum  (The), 

213 
M.P.  empty ;  or,  What  it  may  come  to, 

180 

Mr.  Punch's  New  Year  Philosophy,  1 
Mr.  Punch's  Plea,  S06 
"Mrs.  Stirling,"  22 
Musical  Hint  (A),  81 
"NANSEN,"  95 
"  Naval  Estimates,"  66 
Naval  Intelligence,  207 
Neck  or  Nothing,  278 
Nelson  east  of  Temple  Bar,  63 
Never  Mind,  255 
Never  missed  with  his  Cue,  225 
New  Dictionary,  11 
New  French  Exercise  (A),  109 
New  Lamps  for  Old,  15« 
New  Order  of  Valour  (The)  282 
New  Photography  (The),  45 
New  Political  Song,  1 72 
New  Rules  for  Cyclists,  210 
New   Sport   of   "Thankfully  received" 

(The),  76 
New  Tip  for  an  Old  Tale  (A),  275 


New  Year's  Day,  15 

"Nom  d'un  Pipe  1"  109 

Norman  Neruda-Hall6  Testimonial,  243 
Note  from  the  North  Pole  (A),  93 
Notes  of  an  Afternoon's  "Amusement,' 

216 

Not  on  View  at  the  Berlin  Exhibition,  222 
Novice  at  Niagara  (The),  57 
Nursery  Rhymes  in  Book  Form,  34 
OBJECT  Lessons  for  the  Bar,  48 
Obstruction  in  Excelsis,  269 
"Off  Col  our,  "201 
"  Officers  only,"  294 
Old  Love  and  the  New  (The).  268 
Old  Thyme  and  Rosemary,  292 
One  Never  Knows,  267 
On  the  Carpet  (Turkish),  112 
Onus  of  Obstruction  (The),  287 
Oom  1    Sweet  Oom  1  806 
Operatic  Notes,  261,  276,  281,  298,  301 
"  Our  Bobby,"  249 

Our  Booking-Office,  9,  57,  69,  87,  ]30,  141, 
149,  167,  185,  195,  213,  229,  245,  281,  297 
Our  Derby  Prophecy,  287 
Our  Own'Eistern  Question,  282 
Our  Property  List,  172 
Our  specially  recommended  Selection  for 

the  Derby,  276 
Out  of  Date,  232 
Out  of  School,  169 
Outside!  10 
Owed  to  the  Moon,  183 
PAGE  from  Europa's  Diary,  22 
Paradoxical,  105,  183 
Parnassus  Preserved,  133 
Pastry  of  the  Past,  297 
Patriotic  Toast,  99 
Patriot's  Vade  Mecum  (The),  49 
Peers  in  the  Background  (The),  21 
Penny  Steadfuls,  30 
Phonetic  Rhymes,  262 
Pilot  that  Weathered  the  Storm  (The),  80 
Playing  "  Yorkers,"  208 
Plea  for  Proof-Correctors  (A),  291 
Plea  for  the  Lark,  27 
Plea  of  Pilgarlic  (The),  82 
Pleasures  tor  Prisoners,  233 
Poetry  on  a  Pewter,  198 
'  Police  I  "  87 
Policeman  X  Junior  on  Science  in  the 

Force,  198 

Polyglotopera  (The),  249 
>oor  R.A.  (The),  262 
Pourquoi?  293 
Prince's  Pair  (The),  279 
Progressive  Photograph  (The),  78 
Prophet  Too  Previous  (A),  6 
Proposed  Regulations  for  Hyde  Park,  121 
Protest  by  a  Precision,  Ii9 
Pugulist  to  his  Antagonist  (The),  59 
Punch's   Plea   for   the    White  -  plumed 

Herons,  99 
Punch  to  Jenner,  241 
Punch  to  Mr.  W.  D.  Howells,  29 
3uuch  to  the  New  President,  102 
QUARTER-DAY  Ballad  of  Spring  (A),  150 
Queen's  Letter  to  the  German  Emperor 

(The).  29 

Queer  Queries,  97 
Quick-Step  of  the  Law  in  the  coming  By- 

and-by  (The),  97 
RARE  old  Wine  (A),  203 
Rattlin',  Roarin'  Willie,  41 
Real  Eastern  Question  (The),  111 
ieal  Reciprocity,  222 
'  Remember  1  "—A  Jacobite  Carol,  71 
Results  by  Red  Tape,  279 


312 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  27,  1896, 


Retiring  Naval  Officer  (A),  SOI 

"  Reunion  of  Arts  "  (A),  141 

Reveries  at  Lord's,  238 

Review  of  Literary  Forces  (A),  41 

Rhyme  on  the  Relief  Bill,  288 

R.  I.  P.,  269 

Robing-Room  Rumours,  4 

Romance  of  the  River  (A),  159 

Rosebery's  Reserve,  21 

Roundabout  Readings,  4,  22,  28,  47,  52, 

70,  78,  85,  100,  114,  125,  142,  153,  157, 

181,  193,  209,  231,  244,  258,  265,  277,  489 
Round-clay  of  Distress  (A),  106 
Royalty  Bicycling,  121 
Rule  Columbia  1  166 
Pluralities,  65 
Rus  in  Urbe,  133 
Ross  very  much  in  Urbe,  252 
SAGA  of  the  Sagacious  Norsegal,  145 
Sartor  at  St.  Stephen's,  258 
Saved  !  150 

Secrets  of  B'mouth  (The),  241 
Sensation  of  the  Moment  (The),  112 
Service  International,  305 
Seven  against  each  other  (The),  11 
"  Shooting  a  Sitter,"  264 
Shylock  on  the  Situation,  245 
Simple  as  Smoke,  202 
Somebody's  Letter,  76 
"  Some  of  the  Best "  of  Regulations,  5 
Somerset  Sonnet  (A),  138 
Somerset  Valentine  (A),  69 
Something  for  him  to  do,  13 
Something  like  a  Bank  Holiday,  157 
Something  of  a  Difficulty,  66 
Song  for  Baron  Pollock,  109 
Song  in  the  Great  Wheel,  262 
Song  of  the  New  Novel-Reader,  81 
Song  of  the  Over-rated  One,  69 
Song  of  the  Rateless  Land,  207 
Song  of  the  Sultan  (The),  102 
Sportive  Songs,  9,  85,  69,  77,  95, 108,  118, 

121,  138,   145,    159,  202,    207,  221,  '231, 

246,  261,  273,  279,  298,  306 
Spring  Cleaning  (The),  208 
Stopped,  24 

Store  of  New  Jests  (A),  171 
Story  of  Fidgety  William  (The),  51 
Stroke  in  Time  saves  Eight  (A),  141 
Studies  in  Modern  Journalism,  3 
Sunday  Pleasure-Seeker's  Vade    Mecum 

(The),  138 

Svengalivanting,  57 
"  TAKING  the  Sh(r)ine  out  of  him,"  100 
Tennyson  on  Two  Events,  279 
Terpsichore  to  Date,  23 
That  Game  of  Golf,  189,  197,  205 
Then  and  Now,  18 
Thespian  Train  (The),  51 
Third  King  of  Cricket  (The),  298 
Tip  for  Teachers,  204 
Tips  for  Critics,  221 
Tips  for  Traders,  255 
Tittlebat  Tomkins,  109 
To  a  Cautious  Stockbroker,  78 
To  Beatrice,  105 
To  Kate,  41 
"Tom  Brown,"  159 

Tommy  Hartful  on  Happy  Evenings,  237 
To  the  Blue  Primrose  in  Kew  Gardens, 

201 

True  Blue,  202 

Two  Kings  of  Cricket  (The)  267 
Two  Senators  (The),  64 
"  UNDER  which  King  "(Street,8t.  James's), 

86 

"  Unholy  Alliance  "  (The),  237 
University  Intelligence,  96,  150 
Unpatriotic  Trustee  (The),  16rf 
Unpredicted  Storm  (An),  6 
Unwilling  Guest  (The),  190 
VICE  Versa,  188 
Vive  1'Empereur  I  46 

Voices  from  the  new  British  Valhalla,  171 
WARES  of  Tautologus  (The),  65 
"  Way  they  have  in  the  Army  "  (A),  SCO 
Weather  and  Wice,  88 
What  it  will  come  to,  273 
What  Mr.  H— y  perhaps  expected,  1C6 
"  What 's  in  a  Name  ?  "  221 
"  What  we  are  coming  to  next,"  186 
When  Bar  meets  Bar,  111 
Wild  Autumn  (A),  810 
Woman,  89 

Wonders  on  Wheels,  201 
Word  against  Gush  (A),  133 

LARGE  ENGRAVINGS. 

APPEAL  (An),  283 

Coronation  Greeting  (A),  259 

Derby  Favourite  (A),  271 

"Disarmed  I"  228 

' '  Horse  and  the  Loaded  Ass     The),  211 

In  the  Desert,  151 

"  Jonathan  Jingo  I "  55 

Jonathan's  Latest,  247 

Junior  Partner  (The),  189 

"  Just  a-goin  to  begin  1 "  79 


"Just  Off 

Left  Behind  I  168 

"  Money  no  Object  I "  108 

"  One  at  a  Time,"  199 

Our  "Olympic  Games,"  174,  175 

Patient  Ass  (The),  167 

"  Pity  of  it  I "  (The),  235 

Poor  Relation  (A),  91 

"  Pretty  Dick  I  "  67 

Punch  at  Pretoria,  807 

"  Rapprochement,"  42 

Ready  I  31 

Tangled  Tail  (A),  295 

Tug  of  War  (The),  18,  19 

Two  of  a  Trade,  115 

"  Well  Matched,"  127 

SMALL  ENGRAVINGS. 

ALFRED  the  Little  Poet  Laureate,  14 
Alice's  Definition  of  a  Gentleman,  149 
Alliance  Triple  Tricycle  (The),  194 
American  Lady  and  Juvenile  Lords,  49 
Art   Connoisseur    and    Family   House- 
keeper, 94 

Artist  and  a  Conceited  Ass,  100 
Artist  and  Unappreciative  Native,  237 
Artist's  Peaceful  Home,  166 
Artist's  Telephone  Number  (An),  801 
Ascot  Chariot  Bas-relief,  281 
At  a  Working  Men's  Club,  269 
Baby  with  Papa's  Worst  Feature,  162 
Balfour's  Three  Little  Bills,  230 
Bicyclist  stopping  Driving  Lady,  219 
Bicyclist  who  gets  Off  best,  209 
Bill  Sykes  and  Bechuana  Police,  88 
Bi-Metallistic  Discussion  (A),  147 
Bishop  playing  at  Ball,  222 
Borrowing  a  Postage  Stamp,  198 
Bounderson's  Rummy  Story,  186 
Boy  bullying  his  Sweetheart,  142 
Boys  Boxing,  125 
Boy's  Photograph  of  Papa,  231 
Britannia  welcomes  National  Portraits, 

170 

British  Lion  and  Colonial  Cubs,  88 
Brown  and  Sporting  Barber,  310 
Butcher's  Fascinating  Customer,  126 
Butterman's  Advertisement  (A),  298 
Buying  each  other's  Pictures,  165 
Captain's  Cycle-Horse  (The),  188 
Cassius  Balfour  and  Scipio  Cambridge, 

148 

Charles  the  Bold  and  the  Admiralty,  146 
Coaching  a  Lady  Bicyclist,  255 
Coachman  and  Cabby,  287 
Coming  Home  hungry  from  a  Party,  193 
Critic's  Idea  of  a  Finished  Writer,  60 
Cycling  Freize  Design,  191 
Cyclist  colliding  with  Sow,  267 
Cyclist  on  Restive  Horse,  27 
Dealer's  Ill-conditioned  Horse,  125 
"  Declaring"  at  a  French  Customs,  186 


Difficult  Word  shown  by  Limelight,  227 
Disabled  Workman's  Dinner-time,  135 
Discussing  Earthquakes  at  Nice,  54 
Doctor's  Patient  is  very  Low,  138 
Dogs  as  Cyclists'  "  Tigers,"  205 
Dollies  under  the  Mistletoe,  41 
Dollyland,  after  the  Holidays,  52 
Dolly's  Laocoon,  81 
Dr.  Grace  and  the  Sun,  266 
Driving  a  Fox  into  a  Drain,  111 
Editor's  Use  for  a  Poem,  2(3 
Effie  and  the  Bishop's  Jokes,  253 
Emperor  and  Cowes  Milkmaid,  218 
Equestrian  Sketch  at  Margate,  279 
Errand  Boy  and  Poodle,  265 
Fair  Novelist  and  Publisher,  42 
Fair  Philistine  and  Artist,  303 
Fair  Trade  Masquerade,  102 
Falstaff  seen  by  Rontgeu  Rays,  289 
Female  Street-Singer  (A),  39 
Finding  Hats  after  Smoking  Concert,  171 
"  Finding  of  Moses  "  (The),  28 
Fishing  with  Cheese-bait,  137 
French  Lady  and  'Bus  Conductor,  262 
Geoffrey's  Exaggerated  Computation,  179 
German  "Meteor"  and  Britannia,  300 
Getting  her  Frocks  in  Bond  Street,  239 
Giraffe  Corps  reconnoitring,  48 
Golf  played  in  Egypt,  53 
Gorst  coaching  Education  Bill,  242 
Goschen  Admiralty  Play  ing-Card,  121 
Grandson  Secretary  to  Grandpapa,  85 
Hair-dresser  and  Dry  Hair,  291 
Halfpenny-Stamped  Invitation,  277 
Healy  and  Dillon  Playing-Card,  145 
Hearing  the  Nightingale  say  "Cookoo," 

264 

Hercules  and  the  Hydrant,  158 
Her  Husband's  Latchkey,  202 
Householder  and  Street  Noises,  183 
House  "in  Laager,"  (The),  250 
Housekeeper's  rescued  Jam  (The),  80 
Housemaid's  Love  for  Richard,  21 
How  New  Golfer  went  round  Links,  257 
Hunter  that  wants  Inflating  (A),  99 
Hunting  Man's  Game  of  Spilikins,  87 
Hunting  Man's  Good  Season  (A),  163 
Huntsman  and  the  Rotten  Bridge,  3 
Huntsman  going  at  High  Gate,  b3 
Husband  hypnotising  Wife,  23 
Impatient  Traveller  and  Railway  Porter, 

192 

Invalid  and  Sympathising  Friend,  180 
Irish  Convict  will  not  clean  his  Cell,  177 
Irish  Sailor  and  Skipper,  238 
Irish  Waiter  and  Gentleman  Guest,  73 
Jacky's  First  Day  at  School,  218 
Jameson-Rhodes  Playing-Card,  112 
Japanese  Fan  Flirtation,  189 
John  Bull's  Backbone  photographed,  45 
Johnny's  Overdraft  at  Bankers,  1)3 
Jones  acd  Robinson  converse  by  Signs, 

71 


Judge  and  the  Veiled  Lady  (The),  47 

Julius  Caesar  Salisbury  and  Friends,  108 

Justices  going  on  Tour,  285 

Krttger  Cat  (The),  254 

Ladies  cleaning  their  Bicycles,  6 

Lady  and  a  Sunday  Collection,  90 

Lady  and  Bald-headed  Swell,  246 

Lady  and  her  Hairdresser,  11 

Lady  Cyclists  in  a  Church,  282 

Lady  listening  for  the  Latch-key,  4 

Lady's  Headache  (A),  201 

Lady's  Husband  under  the  Bed,  185 

Lady's  Opinion  of  Society  Novelist,  69 

Leap  Year  Club  (The),  106 

Little  Miss  and  the  New  Footman,  66 

Little  Molly's  Scratching  and  Biting,  150 

Lord  Dufierin's  Farewell,  278 

Madame  Aldegonde's  "  Created  "  Frock, 

78 

Man  of  Talent  and  Man  of  Genius,  35 
Man  with  Red  Flag  precedes  Horsemen, 

225 

Mediaeval  Italian  Dog-Muzzle,  276 
Members  catering  for  the  House,  214 
Minerva  at  the  University,  134 
Missy  and  the  Carpenter,  25 
M.P.'s  crippled  at  Easter  Recess,  178 
Mr.  Barnato  as  "  Pistol,"  155 
Mr.  Boreham's  Insomnia,  10 
Mr.  Punch's  Patent  Matinee  Hat,  76 
Mr.  Smallweed's  Wife's  Photograph,  207 
Mrs.  Tympanum's  delightful  Daughters, 

70 

Narjsen  discovering  North  Pole,  86 
New  Baronet's  Old  Hat  (A),  275 
New  Design  for  English  Penny,  27 
Newly-married  Poet  and  Wife,  114 
Newsboys  and  Tall  Swell,  101 
Newsboy's    definition   of   Orange    Free 

State,  89 

Nurse  Bruin  and  the  little  Turk,  98 
Old  Jones's  Wine,  82 
Old  Offender  in  Police  Court,  PS 
"  Old  Oompauloppomus  "  at  Home,  167 
Opportunist  German  Governess  (An),  188 
Our  Dramatist  and  his  Wife,  261 
Our  Tenor's  Fair  Accompanist,  102 
Page-boy  and  Servant's  Lady  Visitor,  210 
Painter  named  Chiaro  Oscuro,  284 
Parliamentary  Cyclists,  118 
Parliamentary  Dress  a  la  Kriiger,  263 
Parliamentary  School  of  Sculpture  (A), 

154 

Photograph  of  Sitting-room  Door,  117 
Princes'  Message  to  American  Eagle,  2 
Punch  and  the  Sultan,  67 
Rector  and  Bishop's  Postcard,  15 
Rejected  Design  for  Kriiger  Statue,  274 
Result  of  Ladies  Cycling,  261 
Rhodes  on  the  Tight-Rope,  74 
Robinson's  List  of  Bards,  217 
Rosebery  as  a  Toreador,  290 
Rowing  Men  discussing  a  Friend,  258 
Royal  Academy  Soiree  (A),  227 
Royal  Mounted  Submarines,  145 
Russian    Mephistopheles    and    Turkish 

Faust,  62 

Salvation  Army  in  Converted  Commas,  293 
Shakspeare  and  Mr.  Punch,  206 
Small  Boy  and  his  Stout  Aunt,  97 
Smashed  Bicycle  (The),  229 
Son's  Education  at  Public  School,  157 
Specimens  of   Parliamentary  Sculpture, 

122 

Sportsman's  Vain  Mare  (A),  51 
Stepfather  scolding  Stepson,  22 
dtreet-Bpy's  Holidays  (A),  203 
Street-Girls  Opinion  on  Ladies'  Cycles, 

59 

Street-Player  and  Shower  of  Boots,  9 
Study  of  a  "  Sandwich  "  Man,  245 
Supreme  Poet  and  Country  Vicar,  37 
Sultan  reading  Watson's  Sonnets,  77 
Swell's  jolly  Good  Cold  (A),  184 
Teaching  Stout  Lady  to  "  Bike,"  241 
Tea  on  the  Terrace  at  Westminster,  286 
Thinking  as  his  Wife  tells  him  to,  181 
Tired-out  Chaperon  and  Niece  at  Crowded 

Party,  806 
Two  Artists  on  Burlington  House  Steps, 

244 

Two  Doctors  on  Influenza  Treatment,  58 
Two  Genius's  Heads  of  Hair,  159 
Two  Muzzled  Dogs,  109 
Turk  and  Egypt's  Guardian  (The),  110 
Turk's  Free  Hand  (The),  26 
Unhorsed  Sportsman  and  Horse-breaker, 

75 

Unmuzzled  Pup  in  Custody,  181 
Volunteer's  substitute  for  a  Busby,  288 
Waiting  for  Papa's  Train,  294 
Whispered  in  a  Ball-room,  270 
Why  Robinson  moves  in  good  Society, 

172 

Why  the  Mediterranean  looks  blue,  46 
Woman's  Rights  Lady  in  'Bus,  221 
Writer  about  Robert  Browning  (A),  369 
Young    Lady's    Astronomical    Measure- 
ment, 34 


AGNEW,    &  CO,     LD.,   PRINTERS,   LONDON  AND  TONBRTDGE 


LONDON : 
PUBLISHED    AT    THE    OFFICE,     85,     FLEET    STREET, 


AND   SOLD   BY   ALL   BOOKSELLERS. 


1896. 


BRADBURY,    AGNF.W,    &    CO.    LD.,    PRINTERS. 
LONDON    AND   TONBRIDGE. 


DECEMBER  26,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


in 


IT  was  New  Year's  Eve  once  again  ;  the  clock  in  Mr.  PUNCH'S  sanctum  was  fast  "  ticking  out  the  little  life  "  of  the  Year 
of  Grace  One  Thousand  Eight  Hundred  and  Ninety-Six.  Big  Ben  was  within  measurable  distance  of  announcing,  in 
his  sonorous,  superhuman-toast-master  fashion,  the  advent  of  'Ninety-Seven, — as  who  should  shout  over  the  silent  city 
roofs  and  towers,  "  My  Lords,  Ladies  and  Gentlemen,  pray  silence  for  your  noble  guest,  the  New  Year  !  " — Mr.  PUNCH, 
alone,  save  for  his  inseparable  TOBY,  was  loyally  engaged  in  concocting  a  steaming  bumper  in  which  to  drink  the  health  of 
that  coming  guest,  associating  it  with  the  honoured  name  of  his  well-beloved  Sovereign  Lady  Queen  VICTORIA,  whose 
counterfeit  presentment,  in  the  sixtieth  year  of  her  glorious  reign,  stood  in  the  place  of  honour  before  him. 

"  Sixty  years !  "  mused  England's  Mentor.  "  And  what  years  !  Her  Gracious  Majesty  eclipses  all  predecessors, 
cuts  all  records,  distances  all  competitors  on — not  the  cinder-path,  but  that  truly  royal  road,  the  path  of  glory  !  ! " 

" in  our  rough  island  story 

The  path  of  Duty  is  the  way  to  Glory," 

sounded   a  high,  if  rather  harsh-toned  voice  at  PUNCH'S  elbow.     Mr.  PUNCH  bowed  gracefully  to  the   high-nosed,  stiff- 
stomachered,  plenteously  be-ruffed  Tudor  Titaness,  whom  he  thus  bespoke : — 

"  Your  own  unofficial  but  immortal  Laureate,  the  divine  WILLIAM,  could  hardly  have  beaten  our  own  ALFRED  the 
Great — TENNYSON,  bien  entendu  ! — in  prettily  turning  a  patriotic  sentiment.  Nor  could 

The  spacious  times  of  great  ELIZABETH 
surpass  in  splendour  and  marvel  the  astonishing  era  of  Her  who  doth  indeed 

- — hold 

A  nobler  office  upon  earth 
Than  arms,  or  power  of  brain,  or  birth, 
Could  give  the  warrior  kings  (or  queens)  of  old." 

"  He  is  right,  BESS  !  "  said  a  smaller  but  solid  and  homely-stately  figure  at  the  Tudor's  side, 
even  ours,  as  haughty  SARAH  herself  would  perforce  admit,  her  mighty  MARLBOROUGH  notwithstanding. 
Mr.  PUNCH?" 

"  '  Thou,  great  ANNA,'  as  one  poet  called  thee,  art  fitting  companion  for  the  '  great  ELIZABETH  '  of  another,"  quoted 
Mr.  PUNCH,  politely  and  pertinently. 

"Mnemonic  miracle  !"  murmured  the  Virgin  Queen.  "Gallant  as  LEICESTER,  courteous  as  RALEIGH,  sage  as 
CECIL  !  Beshrew  me,  'tis  verily  no  wonder  our  Cousin  VICTORIA  hath,  in  her  sixty  years  of  sway,  surpassed  mine  in 
power  and  ANNA'S  in  splendour,  since  she  hath  had  you  as  her  contemporary  and  counsellor !  " 


"  Her  record  beats 
Do  you  know  me, 


IV 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  26,  1896. 


"  The  year  1896-7,"  said  Mr.  PCKCH,  "  must  be  more  of  an  anuus  mirabilis  than  even  that  '  Year  of  Wonders,  1*66,' 
so  thrasonically  glorified  by  '  Glorious  JOHN,'  though  then  DRYDEN  hyperbolically  declared  that 

all  was  Britain  the  wide  ocean  saw." 

"  Time  hath  favoured  the  third  of  England's  triad  of  great  Queens,"  said  ELIZABETH.  "  Sixty  years  !  I  was 
allotted  but  forty-five,  and  ANNA  here  only  a  poor  twelve.  The  Third  HENRY  merely  touched  fifty-six,  and  even  the  Third 
GEORGE,  with  his  bare  sixty,  fell  short — how  far  is  '  on  the  knees  of  the  gods ' — of  your  happy  VICTORIA,  of  whom,  as 
her  great  Laureate  aptly  said — 

A  thousand  claims  to  reverence  closed 
In  her  as  Mother,  Wife,  and  Queen. 

I  was  never  the  two  former,  alas  !  "  sighed  the  Valorous  Virgin  of  the  West,  pensively  ;  "  but,"  drawing  herself  stiffly  up, 
"  by  the  splendour  of  heaven,  I  was  the  latter  !  " 

"  '  Who  deniges  of  it,  BETSY  ' — I  mean  BESS  ?  "  said  Mr.  PUNCH,  slily. 

The  haughty  Tudor  bridled,  scowled,  muttered  something  about  traitors  and  the  Tower,  and  seemed  about  to  explode 
upon  Mr.  PUNCH  as  though  he  were  a  mere  recalcitrant  LEICESTEH,  when  "  Great  ANNA  "  whispered  something  in  her  royal 
ear,  and  that  verjuicy  virginal  face  broke  up  into  a  genial  smile. 

"  ANNA  bids  me  ask  you  '  What  the  Dickens  you  mean  ?  '  "  she  chuckled.  "  Whatever  my  demerits,  Mr.  PUNCH,  you 
can  hardly  c-ill  me  a  Prig  !  Yet,  for  the  sake  of  the  Season,  and  its  great  celebrator  CHARLES — another  glory  of  the  Victorian 
Era — 1  '11  forgive  you." 

The  two  Queens  gazed  admiringly  at  Mr.  PUNCH'S  presentment  of  the  Third,  still  happily  reigning. 

"  She  hath  no  SHAKSPEARE  to  illume  her  stage,  and  render  eternally  illustrious  her  annals,"  murmured  the  Tudor, 
turning  tenderly  the  leaves  of  a  Book  of  Plays  in  her  royal  hand. 

"  Nor  hath  she  been  called  '  AUGUSTA  ' — as  I  was,"  said  ANNA,  caressing  her  Spectator  affectionately. 

"  No  !  "  admitted  their  host,  cheerfully.  "  But  our  well- beloved  liege  Lady  hath  had  that  which  neither  of  you  was 
blessed  with,  which  SHAKSPEARE  would  have  extolled  and  ADDISON  admired." 

"  Beshrew  me,  what  may  that  be  ?  "  cried  the  startled  Virgin  Queen. 

Mr.  PUNCH  stooped  to  pat  TOBY, — and  to  hide  his  mantling  blush.  "  On  their  own  merits  modest  men  are  dumb,"  he 
quoted  pointedly. 

"Marry  come  up!  what  meaneth  the  man?"  began  Queen  BESS,  when  ANNA  again  whispered  in  her  ear,  and 
again  her  somewhat  shrewish  features  relaxed  into  a  smile. 

"  I  suppose  you  are  right,  now  as  always,  Mr.  PUNCH,"  she  replied.  "  But,  0  great  Victorian  Sage  and  Scientist, 
Patriot  and  Pictor,  Champion  and  Councillor,  Pundit,  Poet  and  Wit,  have  you  not  a  homely  proverb  to  the  effect  that  '  the 
proof  of  the  pudding  is  in  the  eating  '  ?  " 

"  Precisely !  "  responded  Mr.  PUNCH,  with  electric  promptitude.  "  And  that  is  why,  to  save  time,  to  spare  me 
uncongenial  self-assertion,  to  illustrate  to  you  the  matchless  glories  and  graces  of  our  VICTORIA'S  Sixty  Years'  Record,  to  make 
you  love  and  admire  your  sister  Queen  as  much — if  possible — as  1  and  all  my  countrymen  do  ;  and,  finally,  to  give  you  both  a 
good  time  when  you  get  back  to  the  Shades,  and  tire  occasionally  even  of  days  and  nights  spent  with  SHAKSPKARE  and 
ADDISON, — I  hand  you,  as  the  neatest  of  New  Year's  Gifts,  my 


(i£(dmit|  $0(ntuc! 


JULY  4,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


PRO  BONO  PUBLICO. 

(Page  from  the  purely  Imaginary  Diary  of  a  Noble  Licensed  Victualler.) 

SOKRT  I  was  unable  to  attend  the  Irish  Tourist  Association. 
However,  they  are  sure  to  be  pleased  to  hear  that  "  not  having 
been  able  to  make  other  satisfactory  arrangements  I  have  de- 
cided to  try  the  experiment  of  taking  the  hotel  at  (suppress  place, 
for  fear  it  might  be  thought  I  was  attempting  to  obtain  a  free 
advertisement)  into  my  own  hands,  and  hope  that  in  this  way 
I  may  be  able  to  promote  in  some  degree  one  of  the  objects  of 
the  Society." 

Of  course  "  one  of  the  objects  "  is  to  make  travellers  in  Erin 
comfortable  at  their  inns.  Shall  call  mine  the  O'Hartington. 
Nothing  like  a  little  local  colouring.  Now  that  is  all  right 
must  get  myself  up  as  ideal  Irish  hotel-keeper.  Own  toggery 
will  do,  I  think,  with  a  pipe  in  my  white  hat,  and  a  red  waist- 
coat (like  the  late  DION  BOTJCICATTLT  in  the  Colleen  Bawri),  just  to 
give  the  necessary  Hibernian  flavour. 

Must  be  ready  to  receive  my  guests  at  the  door  of  my  hostelrie. 
No  reason  why  I  should  not  have  an  arm-chair.  Got  one  with 
plenty  of  cushions.  Made  myself  additionally  comfortable  by 
resting  my  feet  on  a  foot-stool.  Now  prepared  for  all  emer- 
gencies. 

Ah,  here  come  a  party  of  tourists.  Take  off  my  hat  and  wave 
my  hand.  Fortunately  no  ladies,  so  need  not  get  up.  Feel 
every  inch  a  landlord,  but,  after  all,  rather  hate  superfluous 
exertion. 

"  Have  I  got  any  rooms  ?  "  Why,  to  be  sure  I  have.  Must 
ask  one  of  my  waiters.  They  are  all  good  fellows.  Sure  to 
know  all  about  it.  Call  for  Pat.  One  of  my  fellows  must  be 
called  Pat.  "Pat,"  national  name. 

My  guest  rather  unreasonable.  Wants  to  know  "  why  I  don't 
get  up  and  take  his  carpet  bag."  Of  course  would  be  only  too 
pleased,  but  it  looks  rather  a  heavy  one,  and  some  other  fellow 
could  take  it  just  as  well  as  I  could.  Most  likely  better.  Dare 
say  I  could  drag  about  a  heavy  portmanteau ;  but  don't  know. 
In  point  of  fact  have  never  tried. 

"Why  don't  I  look  sharp  ?  " 

Now  I  really  think  that  isn't  complimentary.    Implies  that  I 


appear  to  be  inactive.  True  I  generally  sit  with  my  hands  in 
my  pockets,  with  my  hat  tipped  over  my  eyes.  But  why  not  ? 
Perfectly  simple  and  easy  attitude.  Calculated  to  give  fullest 
rest  to  the  body.^  And  if  body  is  not  being  bothered,  best 
chance  for  the  mind.  Intellect  can  be  uncommonly  energetic 
if  body  has  nothing  to  complain  of.  Ah,  here  is  Pat.  *He  retires 
with  the  tourists.  There!  Now,  if  I  hadn't  taken  the  hotel 

into  my  own  hands,  what  would  have  become  of  them  ? 

****** 

Suppose  I  must  have  been  asleep.  Hallo  1  Here  come  the 
tourists.  Hope  they  won't  bother  me  any  more. 

"  They  want  a  looking-glass,  and  curtains  to  the  window." 
Why,  of  course.  Let  them  have  them,  by  all  means. 

They  say,  "That  its  all  very  well  to  put  them  off  like  that, 
but  if  I  am  the  landlord  of  the  hotel  I  ought  to  behave  as  such." 

Argue  with  them.  What's  the  use  of  a  row.  If  they  will  ask 
Pat  or  some  other  fellow  they  shall  have  anything  they  please. 
Only  don't  bother  me.  Such  nonsense. 

They  say  "  they  have  asked  Pat  to  get  them  the  looking-glass 
and  the  curtains ;  but  he  knows  nothing  about  them,  and  re- 
ferred them  to  me." 

Fancy  Pat  must  be  rather  scanty  of  resource.  However, 
suppose  I  must  come  to  the  rescue.  "Tourists  had  better  order 
looking-glass  and  curtains  from  some  local  universal  provider." 
Probably  some  O'Whiteley  in  the  neighbourhood.  By  all  means 
have  what  they  please  ;  but  why  bother  me  ? 

Thank  goodness!     They  have  gone.     Enjoy  the  scenery  once 

more.     Very  fine.     Close  my  eyes. 

****** 

Awakened  with  a  start.  What's  the  matter  now?  Same 
tourists.  They  say  that  "the  steak  is  underdone."  Well,  why 
shouldn't  it  be  ?  Some  people  like  steaks  underdone. 

They  say  "  they  don't."  Well,  I  can't  help  that.  Better  go 
and  have  dinner  somewhere  else.  Know  a  first-rate  hotel  where 
I  frequently  feed  myself.  Give  the  address  and  they  are  off. 
Capital !  Shows  how  much  better  it  is  to  take  things  into  one's 
own  hands.  Going  to  sleep  again,  when  Pat  informs  me  that  my 
guests  have  gone  off  with  their  luggage. 

Capital !  No  one  in  my  inn !  Further  need  of  waiting  in  the 
hall  unnecessary.  So  shall  return  to  the  House  of  Lords. 


VOL.    CXI. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  4,  1896. 


JULY  4,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THEY  GOT  TIRED  OF  HOUSES- 


-IT  IS  WHISPERED  THEY  ARE  GROWING  TIRED  OF  BICYCLES.     HOW  WOULD  IT  BE  TO  COMBINE  THE  TWO 
AMUSEMENTS  IN  THE  ABOVE  DELIGHTFUL  MANNER  ? 


"THE  POLLY  OF "— HICHENS.* 

EUSTACE  was  twenty-two  when  he  was  beginning  to  attract  at- 
tention. People  had  begun  to  notice  his  way  of  walking  down 
Piccadilly  on  his  hands,  and  his  odd  habit  of  living  entirely  on 
the  poached  eggs  of  plovers,  together  with  his  cunous  fondness 
for  sweeping  crossings  on  rainy  days,  giving  to  every  passer-by 
who  deigned  to  use  his  crossing  a  penny  or  even  more,  had  al- 
ready caused  people  to  discuss  him  with  a  certain  interest,  even 
a  certain  wonder.  The  medical  journals  mentioned  him  often 
as  a  case  whose  peculiarities  were  not  devoid  of  interest.  He 
affected,  one  season — was  it,  perhaps,  sincere  ? — to  think  he  was 
the  Emperor  of  CHINA,  and  received  visitors  in  a  pig-tail  and  a 
fan.  During  another  season,  although  in  excellent  health,  he 
refused  to  leave  the  asylum  even  for  the  ordinary  exercise  in  the 
grounds,  declaring  all  movement,  with  the  single  exception  of 
flying,  to  be  bad  form,  and  unsuited  to  a  gentleman.  When  he 
saw  a  goose  standing  on  its  head,  he  declared  it  was  a  swan. 
He  played  with  air-balls  a  good  deal  at  this  time,  and  wrote 
rather  curious  post-cards  to  his  aunt  at  Putney.  Over  the  tea- 
leaves  of  convention  he  poured  the  hot  water  of  originality,  the 
result  being  a  curiously  weak  and  ineffective  infusion  of  eccentri- 
city. Society  loves  absurdity  if  it  is  sufficiently  absurd.  EU- 
STACE became  popular.  The  feather  of  laughter  waved  in  the 
big  black  hat  of  Society.  But  the  garden-roller  of  science  crushed 
the  green  hopes  of  London's  budaing  grass.  And  EUSTACE  fell 
in  love  with  WINIFRED. 

He  met  her  at  a  fancy  ball.  It  was  given  to  amuse  the  inmates, 
and,  by  way  of  humouring  them,  each  was  allowed  to  wear  the 
costume  of  the  person,  or  the  object,  that  he  imagined  himself  to 
be.  The  first  prize  was  taken  by  a  gentleman  who  appeared  as 
a  gong,  and  struck  terror  into  all  by  striking  himself  at  the  hours 
of  meals.  Poor  EUSTACE  dressed  himself  up  as  what  he  imagined 
himself  at  the  time — a  gentleman  of  the  nineteenth  century. 
In  the  lonely  lunacy  of  his  black  coat  and  white  tie  he  felt  ill  at 
ease  as  WINIFRED  gazed  at  him  with  her  big  brown  eyes.  (She 
was  dressed  as  a  bicycle.)  He  looked  very  odd  in  his  gloomy, 

quiet  attire  amid  the  picturesque  crew. 

»»»*•• 

To  WINIFRED,  existence  was   one  long   search  after    apricot 

*  See  The  Folly  of  Eustace  and  other  stories,  published  by  W.  HEINEMANX, 
and  written  by  ROBERT  HICHENS,  but  we  have  nothing  to  do  with  the  other 
stones.—  ED. 


jam.  She  forgot  the  butter  of  life,  and  in  doing  so  too  often  lost 
its  bread.  The  silent  processes  of  such  a  woman's  mindl  Ah, 
what  great  male  writer  would  not  give  half-a-crown  to  watch 
them,  as  the  fisherman,  taking  a  line,  watches  the  struggles  of 
the  minnows,  or  the  amateur  photographer,  snapping  his  Kodak 
at  the  world,  watches  the  development  of  the  plate.  WINIFRED 
was  the  Bath-chairman  of  life,  dragging  Society  as  a  Bath-chair 
after  her,  the  smart  world  sitting  in  it  as  a  weary  invalid,  cursing 
the  East  wind.  WINIFRED  thought  that  the  Marble  Arch 
turned  in  its  marble  archness  to  gaze  at  her,  and  the  Albert 
Memorial  blushed  a  deeper  gold  as  she  gaaed  at  it. 

Together,  they  did  the  oddest  things ;  flew  kites,  played  with 
Noah's  Arks,  spread  butter-slides,  and  did  crochet- work.  Soon, 
she  began  to  elude  him  in  a  maze  of  imaginary  entertainments. 
She  went  (or  so  she  said)  to  every  Punch-and-Judy  show,  fifth 
night,  and  public  view,  moving  perpetually  in  the  phantom  pro- 
cesses of  imaginary  society,  surrounded  by  grotesques,  mimes, 
and  monkeys.  But  he,  in  time,  became  a  bore  to  her,  with  his 
perpetual,  rather  tedious  arguments  on  radishes  and  palmistry, 
and  his  unnecessarily  long  letters  to  the  Emperor  of  GERMANY 
about  the  Salvation  Army.  She  grew  daily  more  and  more 
tired  of  him.  Sometimes  she  wondered,  now,  if  she  could  re- 
main in  the  same  asylum. 

*  *  J  »  •  •  • 

The  doctor  entered  the  padded-room  with  a  note.  EUSTACE 
took  it,  opened  it,  and  read  :  — 

"This  is  to  say  good-bye.  By  the  time  it  reaches  you,  I 

shall  have  left  Hanwell.  Not  alone.  I  am  going,  with  a 

keeper,  to  Colney  Hatch.  I  have  seen  your  portrait  in  the 

Sketch.  It  is  like  you.  And  your  biography-  I  nnd  y°u  were 
born  in  Bayswater. 

"  How  like  Bayswater  I "  WINIFRED  . 

AT  THE  'VARSITY  CRICKET  MATCH. — Newcomer  (to  Gent  in 
front).  If  you  would  kindly  move  your  head  an  eighth  of  an  inch, 
I  think  that  by  standing  on  tip-toe  I  might  be  able,  between  the 
box-seat  and  body  of  that  carriage,  to  ascertain  the  colour  of 
long  leg's  cap. 

RATHER  HARD  ON  THB  VICE-PRESIDENT  OF  THE  EDUCATION 
DEPARTMENT  .—Our  Mr.  WAOSTAFF,  M.P.,  insists  upon  describing 
the  withdrawn  Bill  as  a  Gorst-ly  failure. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  4,  1896. 


JOTTINGS    AND    TITTLINGS. 

(By  BABOO  HTTRRY  BUNGSHO  JABBERJBE,  B.A.) 

No.  XVI. 
Mr.  Jdbberjec  makes  a  pilgrimage  to  the  Shrine  of  Shakspeare. 

I  HAVE  frequently  spoken  in  the  flattering  terms  of  a  eulogium 
concerning  my  extreme  partiality  for  the  writings  of  Hon'ble 
WILLIAM  SIIAKSPEARE.  It  has  been  remarked,  with  some  correct- 
ness, that_  he  did  not  exist  for  an  age,  but  all  the  time ;  and 
though  it  is  the  open  question  whether  he  did  not  derive  all  his 
ideas  from  previous  writers,  and  even  whether  he  wrote  so 
much  as  a  single  line  of  the  plays  which  are  attributed  to  his 


"  It  was  here,"  I  said,  reverently,  "  that  the  Swan  of  Avon  was  hatched  !  " 


inspired  nib,  he  is  one  of  the  institutions  of  the  country,  and  it 
is  the  correct  thing  for  every  orthodox  British  subject  to  ad- 
mire and  understand  him  even  when  most  incomprehensible. 

Consequently  I  did  cock-a-hoop  for  joy  on  receiving  an  invita- 
tion from  my  friend  ALLBUTT-!NNETT,  Jun.,  Esq.,  on  behalf  of 
his  parents,  that  I  should  accompany  them  on  an  excursion  by 
rail  to  Stratford-upon-Avon,  where  the  said  poet  had  his  domi- 
cile of  origin. 

And  so  great  was  my  enthusiasm  that,  during  the  journey,  I 
declaimed,  ore  rotundo,  certain  select  passages  from  his  works 
which  I  had  committed  to  memory  during  the  salad  days  of  my 
schoolboyishness,  and  with  such  effect  that  Miss  WEE-WEE  ALL- 
BUTT-INNETT  (who  is  excessively  emotional)  was  compelled,  at 
times,  to  veil  her  countenance  in  the  recesses  of  a  pocket- 
handkerchief. 

Having  at  length  arrived  at  that  hallowed  and  sacred  spot,  the 
very  name  of  which  sends  a  sweet  and  responsive  thrill  through 
every  educated  bosom,  our  first  proceeding  was  to  partake  »f  a 
copious  cold  tiffin. 


This  repast  we  ordered  at  an  old-fashioned  hostelry,  whose 
doorway  was  decorated  by  a  counterfeit  persentment  of  the 
Bard,  and  I  observed  that  similar  effigies  were  placed  above 
several  of  the  shops  as  I  walked  along  the  streets.  These  images 
somewhat  resemble  those  erected  to  Buddha  in  certain  parts  of 
India,  being  similarly  bald,  but  terminating — not  in  crossed 
legs,  but  a  cushion  with  tassels.  However,  I  was  not  able  to 
discover  that  it  is  the  custom  for  even  the  most  ignorant  in- 
habitants to  do  anything  in  the  nature  of  a  poojah  before  these 
figures  any  longer,  though  probably  usual  enough  before  CROM- 
WELL, with  the  iron  sides,  ordered  all  such  baubles  to  be  removed. 
In  a  hole  in  the  upper  wall  of  the  Town  Hall  there  is  a  life-size 
;  statuary  of  SHAKSPEARE,  with  legs  complete,  showing  that  he 
was  not  actually  deficient  in  such  extremities  and  a  mere  gifted 
torso ;  and  it  is  presumable  that  the  reason  why  only  his  upper 
portions  are  generally  represented  is,  that  marble  in  these  parts 
is  too  precious  a  commodity  to  be  wasted  on  superfluities. 

We  visited  the  church;  and  saw  his  tomb,  and  there  again  was 
the  superior  half  of  him  occupied  with  writing  verses  on  a 
cushion  in  a  mural  niche,  supported  by  pillars.  "Upon  a  slab 
below  is  inscribed  a  verse  requesting  that  his  dust  should  not 
be  digged,  and  cursing  him  who  should  interfere  with  his  bones, 
but  in  so  mediocre  a  style,  and  of  such  indifferent  orthography, 
that  it  is  considered  by  some  to  be  a  sort  of  spurious  crypto- 
gram composed  by  Hon'ble  BACON. 

On  such  a  vexata  qucestio  I  am  not  to  give  a  decided  opinion, 
though  the  verse,  as  a  literary  composition,  is  hardly  up  to  the 
level  of  Hamlet,  and  it  would  perhaps  have  been  preferable  if 
the  poet,  instead  of  attempting  an  impromptu,  had  looked  out 
some  suitable  quotation  from  his  earlier  works.  For,  when  an 
I  author  is  occupied  in  shuffling  off  his  mortal  coil,  it  is  unreason- 
able to  expect  nim  to  produce  poetry  that  is  up  to  the  mark. 

When  I  advanced  this  excuse  aloud  in  the  church,  a  party  of 
Americans  within  hearing  exclaimed,  indignantly,  that  such 
irreverent  levity  was  a  scandal  in  a  spot  which  was  the  Mecca  of 
the  entire  civilized  universe. 

Whereupon  I  did  protest  earnestly  that  I  meant  no  irreverence, 
being  nulli  secundus  in  respect  for  the  Genius  Loci,  only,  as  a 
critic  of  English  Literature,  I  could  not  help  regretting  that  a 
poet  gifted  with  every  requisite  for  producing  a  satisfactory 
epitaph  had  produced  a  doggerel  which  was  undeniably  below 
his  usual  par. 

This  rendered  them  of  an  increased  ferocity,  until  Mr.  ALL- 
BTTTT-INNETT  good  naturedly  took  them  into  a  corner  and  whis- 
pered that  I  was  a  very  wealthy  young  Indian  Prince,  of  great 
scholastic  attainments,  but  oppressed  by  an  uncontrollable 
naivete,  after  which  they  all  came  and  shook  me  by  the  hand, 
saying  they  were  very  proud  to  have  met  me. 

Afterwards  we  proceeded  to  the  Birthplace,  where  a  very 
gentlewomanly  female  exhibited  the  apartment  in  which  the 
Infant  Bard  first  saw  the  light.  Alack!  there  was  but  little  light 
to  behold,  being  a  shockingly  low  and  dingy  room,  meagrely 
furnished  with  two  chairs  and  a  table,  on  which  was  another  of 
the  busts.  As  I  came  in,  I  uttered  a  remark  which  I  had  pre- 
pared for  the  occasion.  "  It  was  here,"  I  said,  reverently,  "  here 
that  the  Swan  of  Avon  was  hatched  1"  At  which  Miss  WEE- WEE 
was  again  overcome  by  emotion. 

The  room  was  greatly  in  the  necessity  of  whitewash,  being 
black  with  smoke  and  signatures  in  lead  pencil.  Even  the  win- 
dow-panes were  scratched  all  over  by  diamonds,  on  seeing  which, 
and  being  also  the  possessor  of  a  diamond  and  gold  ring,  I  was 
about  to  inscribe  my  own  name,  but  was  prevented  by  the  lady 
custodian. 

I  indignantly  and  eloquently  protested  that  if  Hon'ble  Sirs, 
WALTER  SCOTT,  Lord  BraoN,  ISAAC  WALTON.  WASHINGTON  IR- 
VING and  Co.  were  permitted  to  deface  the  glass  thus,  surely  I, 
who  was  a  graduate  of  Calcutta  University,  and  a  valuable  con- 
tributor to  London  Punch,  was  equally  entitled,  since  what  was 
sauce  for  a  goose  was  sauce  for  a  gander,  and  Mrs.  ALLBTJTT- 
INNETT  urged  that  I  was  a  distinguished  Skakesperian  student 
and  Indian  prince,  but  the  custodian  responded  that  she  couldn't 
help  that,  for  it  was  ultra  vires,  nevertheless. 

However,  while  she  was  engaged  in  pointing  out  the  spot 
where  somebody's  signature  had  been  before  it  was  p«eled  away, 
I,  snatching  the  opportunity  behind  her  back,  did  triumphantly 
inscribe  my  autograph  on  the  bust's  nose. 

In  the  back-room  they  showed  us  where  SHAKSPEARB'B  father 
stapled  his  wool,  which  caused  Mrs.  ALLBUTT-INNETT  to  remark 
that  she  had  always  understood  that  the  poet  was  of  quite  humble 
origin,  and  that,  for  her  part,  she  thought  it  was  all  the  more 
creditable  to  him  to  have  done  what  he  did  do. 

We  also  inspected  the  Museum,  and  were  shown  SHAK- 
SPEARE'S  jug,  a  rather  ordinary  concern  ;  the  identical  dial  which 
one  of  the  clowns  in  his  plays  drew  out  of  a  poke,  and  a  ring 
with  W.  S.  engraved  on  it,  found  in  the  churchyard  some  years 


JULY  4,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


ago,  and,  no  doubt,  dropped  there  by  the  poet  himself,  while 
absorbed  in  the  composition  of  his  famous  and  world-renowned 
elegy. 

There  were  several  portraits  of  him  also,  all  utterly  unlike  one 
another,  or  only  agreeing  in  one  respect,  namely,  their  total 
dissimilarity  from  the  bust. 

We  likewise  saw  the  very  desk  SHAKSPEARE  used,  after  creep- 
ing unwillingly  to  school  with  a  shining  face  like  a  snail's.  I  was 
pained  to  see  evidence  of  the  mischievousness  of  the  juvenile 
genius,  for  it  was  slashed  and  hacked  to  such  a  doleful  degree  as 
to  be  totally  incapacitated  for  scholastic  use  I 

I  myself  was  sprightly  in  my  youth,  but  never,  I  am  proud  to 
say,  to  the  extent  of  wilfully  damaging  my  master's  furniture ! 
Before  leaving,  we  walked  to  visit  the  residence  of  SHAKSPEARE'S 
wife,  which  turned  out  to  be  a  very  humble  thatched-roof  affair, 
such  as  is  commonly  occupied  by  peasants. 

But,  as  Mrs.  ALLBUTT-INNETT  said,  it  is  a  sad  fact  that  dis- 
tinguished literary  characters  often  make  most  imprudent  mar- 
riages. Which  put  me  in  a  wonderment  whether  she  had  heard 
anything  about  myself  and  Miss  MANKLETOW. 

At  one  of  the  bazaars  I  purchased  a  beautiful  Shakspearean 
souvenir,  in  the  form  of  a  coloured  porcelain  model  or  SHAK- 
SPEARE'S birthplace,  which  can  be  rendered  transparent  and  lu- 
minous by  the  insertion  of  a  night-light. 

This  I  had  intended  humbly  to  offer  for  the  gracious  accept- 
ance of  Miss  WEE-WEE,  but  having;  thrust  it  into  a  coat-tail 
pocket,  I  unfortunately  sat  upon  it  in  the  train  as  we  were  re- 
turning. 

So  I  presented  it  as  a  token  of  remembrance  to  JESSIMINA, 
who  was  transported  with  delight  at  the  gift,  which  she  said  could 
be  easily  rendered  the  statu  quo  by  dint  of  a  little  diamond 
cement." 

"  THE  LIGHT  (OPERA)  OF  ASIA/' 

THE  attraction  of  The  Geisha  continues.  Miss  MARIE  TEMPEST, 
as  0  Mimosa  San,  delightfully  coquettish,  and  singing  better 
than  ever.  Mile.  JULIETTE  NESVILLB,  once  the  French  Miss 
Decima,  now  a  brilliant  Juliette  Diamant;  and  clever  little 
LETTT  LIND,  with  voice  as  small  as  her  twinkling  feet,  singing 
confidentially  to  most  attentive  audiences,  and  charming  those 
among  them  who  cannot  catch  her  words  by  expressive  panto- 
mime and  graceful  dance.  Miss  MAUD  HOBSON  towers  above  the 
girls  as  a  Juno  among  the  lesser  goddesses.  Mr.  HARRY  MONK- 
HOUSE  looks  very  funny,  and  would  be  equal  to  his  looks  if  he  had 
anything  to  do  or  say ;  but  in  doing,  saying,  singing,  and 
dancing,  Mr.  HUNTLEY  WRIGHT,  as  the  rascally  heathen  Chinee, 
takes  the  tea-house  cake.  The  popular  HATDEN-COFFIN  appears  as 


I)alifs  Mikado.  "  1  've 
Savoy  Mikado.  "  Well, 


;ot  no  work  to  do — o — o  !  " 
'.  don't  think  much  of  him  !  " 


the  usual  kind  of  go-as-you-please-semi-comic  opera  lover  of  vague 
purpose  and  undulating  action ;  and  Mr.  Louis  BRADFIELD  is 
gradually  gaining  confidence  in  attempting  the  Arthur-Roberts- 
cum-Leslie-Playfair  manner,  out  of  which  muddle  it  is  to  be 


"An,  POLLY,  I  HAVEN'T  SEEN  YOUR  FATHER  LATELY.     WHAT'S 

HE  DOING   NOW?"  "  SlX  MONTHS,    PLEASE,    SlR  !  " 


hoped  he  will  emerge  successfully  with  an  artistic  style  of  his 
own. 

To  Mr.  GEORGE  EDWARDBS,  who  has  chosen  the  caste  and 
placed  the  piece  on  the  stage  most  effectively  in  every  way,  is 
its  extraordinary  success  mainly  due.  Mr.  OWEN  HALL'S  book 
is  light,  and  decidedly  not  strong  in  plot.  The  lyrics  by  Mr. 
HARRY  GREENBANK  are  the  best  portions  of  the  piece,  whilst 
the  music  of  Mr.  SIDNEY  JONES  leaves  nothing  to  be  desired, 
except  that  he  should  have  been  sufficiently  prodigal  of  his  talent 
to  have  given  the  public  a  few  melodies  to  take  away  with  them. 
Perhaps  what  cannot  be  picked  up  the  first  time,  those  who  will 
return  again  and  again  to  near  it,  may  stand  some  chance  of  carry- 
ing away  with  them.  The  Geisha  will  run  till  she  drops ;  but 
when  that  will  be  would  be  difficult  to  say,  and  very  unwise  to 
prophesy. 

Japanese  atmosphere  being  conducive  to  developing  a  fair 
hunger — a  supper-fare  hunger  and  a  most  decided  thirst — 
Happy  Thought :  Visit  "  The  Cecil "  for  supper.  The  Cecil  new 
to  present  company,  limited  to  four.  From  Daly's  to  Strand. 
Suddenly  we  are  in  court-yard  of  first-class  continental  hotel. 
Most  effective  entrance :  ours,  and  Hotel's.  Visitors  sitting 
about  and  enjoying  the  summer  night,  "far  from  the  madding 
crowd."  Tableau  Vivant.  Expect  a  chorus.  Music  heard  in 
distance.  Supper  ready.  Excellent  orchestra,  invisible,  dis- 
coursing melodies.  We  drink  and  eat,  not  without  a  strain 

of  music. 

So  "  All 's  well  that  ends  well." 

Suggested  Signals  for  the  Naval  Manoauvres. 

Is  that  Red  Fleet  in  the  offing?  Cannot  be,  as  carefully 
arranged  before  starting  that  Red  Fleet  was  not  to  approach 
Blue  Fleet  for  twenty-four  hours. 

Why  have  you  got  out  of  your  position  to  larboard  of  The 
Ginger  Pop  f  Considered  the  place  better  from  a  tactical  point 
of  view  than  the  one  originally  adopted,  and  acted  on  my  own 
responsibility. 

Resume  station  instantly  :  keep  to  programme.  Have  obeyed 
signal :  where  are  we  now  ?  Question  will  be  answered  in  due 
course  on  further  information  being  received  from  Whitehall. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  4,  1896. 


THINGS    ONE    WOULD    WISH    TO    HAVE    EXPRESSED    DIFFERENTLY. 

He.  "I  SUPPOSE,  NOW  THAT  THE  LONDON  SEASON  IS  COMING  TO  AN  END,  THAT  YOU  *VE  BEEN  VERY  GAY?' 

She.  "On,  YES— I  HAVEN'T  HAD  A  DULL  MOMENT  SINCE  I  SAW  YOU  LAST!" 


BRITON  TO  BRETON. 

(Punch  to  Le  Bon  Curt  of  MoUne  and  his 
brave  fisher-flock  in  memory  of  their  services  of 
love  in  connection  with  the  tragic  loss  of  the 
" Drummond  Castle.") 

"ONE  touch  of  nature  makes  the  whole 

world  kin," 
Our   SHAKSPEAKB   said.       And    English 

hearts  are  drawn 
To  "our  fair  neighbour  France,"  by  acts 

which  win 

Grateful  affection,  surely  as  the  dawn 
Draws  the  flower  faces  to  responsive  glow. 
But  little  less  than  kin,  and  more  than 

kind, 
The  Breton   aids   the   Briton,  and   must 

know 

By  our  QUEEN'S  message  how  her  peo- 
ple's mind 

Is  moved  by  that  good  curt  and  his  flock 
Of  kindly  fisher-Folk  to  warmest  thanks. 
Heaven  grant  that  never  more  in  hostile 

shock 
Brethren  so  bound  may  meet  in  armed 

ranks. 
"Under  the  Shadow  of  the  Cross"  there 

lies 
Most  precious  pledge  of  mutual  love  and 

peace. 

"God  has  no  creed!"     Oh,  apteat  of  re- 
plies 1 
Abbe   Li    JEUNE,    if   national    hatreds 

cease, 
Such  works   of  love   as  yours  and  those 

dear,  brave, 
And  loving  Breton  women's,  whose  kind 

hands 
Punch  fain  would  grasp  beside  the  island 

grave, 

Shall  bear  the  praise  in  great  sea-sun- 
dered lands, 


Uusundered  else.     So,   brave   BERTHELE, 

to  you 
And  the  good  Bretons,  Britons  gladly 

send 
The  grateful  thanks  for  such  fair  service 

due, 

Clasping  those  kind   French  palms  as 
friend  grips  palm  of  friend. 


"PLENTY  OF  'EAU,'  BUT  NONE  FOR 
SHOW." 

MONSIEUR    LB    REDAOTBUB,  —  Accom- 

Eanied  by  several  of  my  brave  comrades, 
arrived  this  week  in  your  splendid  city 
of  commerce  to  join  in  the  magnificent 
demonstration  which  celebrated  the  vic- 
tories of  the  limpid  Water  over  the  cruel 
and  devastating  Fire — elements  ever  at 
war  and  encouraged  to  fight  a  Voutrance 
by  the  bitter  memories  of  tradition  and 
history.  All  the  sympathies  of  your  land 
are  with  the  aqueous  fluid :  your  island 
rests  upon  the  planturous  bosom  of  the 
ocean,  your  skies  are  rarely  free  from  a 
copious  supply  of  tears,  and  you  are  never 
weary  of  boasting  of  your  amphibious  na- 
ture, while  your  great  Lord  WILFBID  is,  I 
understand,  the  incarnation  of  old  Fere 
Tamise  filtered  and  potable. 

I  imagined  then  that  my  eyes  would  be 
gladdened  by  noble  fountains  —  monu- 
ments of  your  cult — arranged  in  your  pub- 
lic squares  and  verdant  parks.  Ah  !  Mon- 
sieur, how  bitterly  have  I  been  unde- 
ceived !  In  that  place  on  which  you  have 
bestowed  the  name  of  some  successful 
skirmish  where  my  nation  was  betrayed  by 
the  perfidious  Spaniard,  your  hero  NELSON 
looks  down  from  an  inaccessible  pillar, 
like  St.  Simon  Stylites,  on  a  collection  of 
extraordinary  caricatures  of  humanity, 
which  testify  to  your  sense  of  statuesque 


plaisanterie.  But  the  Admiral  also  sur- 
veys, with  complacent  stoicism,  the  gam- 
bols of  countless  gamins  beside  two  igno- 
ble and  lamentable  ponds,  defiled  with 
paper  and  fruit  refuse,  whence  some 
wretched  jets  d'eau,  feebly  pointing  to 
heaven,  seem  to  implore  the  clouds  to  try 
and  renew  their  strength.  These,  I  was 
told,  were  the  most  famous  fountains  in 
London ! 

Unable  to  believe  my  senses,  I  in- 
quired of  a  respectable  policeman.  He 
answered  me,  with  the  respectable  assur- 
ance of  un  vrai  Jean  Boule,  that  the  me- 
tropolis was,  on  the  contrary,  renowned 
far  its  fountains,  situated  all  over  its  im- 
mence  area,  and  that  they  were  devoted 
not  only  to  the  recreation  and  refresh- 
ment of  the  human  race,  as  well  as  of 
horses,  cattle,  and  even  dogs.  Then  I 
know,  that  despite  his  grave  exterior, 
this  guardian  of  the  law  must  be  a  far- 
ceur, and  I  set  forth  in  one  of  your  han- 
som cabriolets  to  endeavour  to  find  some 
specimens  of  your  hydraulic  art.  Alas ! 
without  that  success,  which  every  explorer 
hopes  for.  My  landlord  indeed  told  me 
that  the  grands  eaux  of  Versailles  were 
fairly  rivalled  at  the  Palais  de  Cristal  on 
certain  rare  occasions,  but  that  he  knew 
of  no  other  displays.  I  marvel,  I  am  sad, 
even  after  consuming  your  exhilirating 
whiski  and  soda,  and  I  emplore  you,  Mon- 
sieur, to  remedy  this  natural  disgrace  by 
your  estimable  influence.  Agree,  &c., 
JACQUES  JOLIQUET 

(Pompier  de  Nanierre). 


WHAT    THE    GERMAN 
LIKE  TO  SING  :  — 


EMPEROR    WOULD 


"In  my  latest  bark  I  glide 
Swiftly  o'er  the  Solent  tide." 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDOX  CHARIVARI.— JULY  4,  1896. 


.. 


ONE   TOUCH   OF  NATURE 


JULY  4,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


A  TIMELY  WARNING 

"OH,    BY    THE    WAY,    YOU    REMEMBER    THAT    OLD   BORE,    PROFESSOR 
DODDERINGTON,    WHO    TOOK    SUCH    A    FANCY    TO    YOU    OX    THE    LlNKS 

AT   ST.    ANDREWS   LAST   AUTUMN  ?    WELL,    HE  's    IN   TOWN,    AND 

DYING  TO  MEET  YOU  !  ' 

"An — is  HE?    WELL,  HE  WON'T  MEET  ME  IF  7  MANAGE  TO  CATCH 

SIGHT  OF  HIM  FIRST  !  " 


ROUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

MY  BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
(Continued.) 

WHEN  I  left  off  the  story  of  my  brother-in-law,  HARRY,  in 
these  columns,  matters  had  come  to  a  desperate  pass.  This  as- 
tonishing young  gentleman  seemed  to  have  exhausted  not  only 
the  discomforts  and  the  luxuries  of  civilisation,  but  also  all  its 
resources,  and  there  appeared  to  be  no  other  course  open  to  me 
but  to  support  him  for  the  rest  of  my  life  in  various  positions 
that  made  severe  inroads  on  the  balance  at  my  bankers.  Alice, 
of  course,  was  delighted.  "  I  knew,"  she  observed  to  me.  "  when 
I  married  you  thai  you  would  always  be  good  and  kind  to 
HARRY,  that  you  would  take  the  place  of  his  dear  father — and 
Aunt  MARGARET  and  Aunt  ELEANOR  knew  it  too.  You  mustn't 
think  I  am  not  grateful.  I  am  deeply,  deeply  grateful^  to  you, 
and  so  I  am  sure  is  HARRY.  See  what  trouble  that  boy  is  taking 
to  oblige  you,  to  fall  in  with  all  your  wishes.  What  more  can  he 
do  ?  "  As  HARRY'S  trouble  had  for  the  most  part  consisted  in  ac- 
cepting one  after  another  the  various  amusements  (together  with 
their  necessary  cheques)  that  I  had  thought  out  for  him,  I  was  un- 
able to  answer  my  dear  wife  with  the  enthusiasm  she  evidently 
expected.  "No  matter,"  she  said,  "some  day  when  HARRY  has 
done  something  of  which  we  shall  all  be  proud,  you  will  be 
ashamed  of  yourself  for  having  ever  doubted  his  capacity." 


SOMETHING,  however,  as  I  said,  had  to  be  done,  and  I  cast 
about  for  the  means  of  doing  it.  I  had  not  made  up  my  mind 
what  it  was  to  be.  but  in  my  pleasanter  day-dreams  I  pictured 
it  as  something  that  should  finally  take  HARRY  away  and  dis- 
pose of  him.  It  happened  just  about  this  time  that  my  old 
friend  Sir  GREGORY  JOHNSTON  came  up  to  London  from  his  place 
in  the  East  Riding  of  Yorkshire  and  paid  me  his  customary  visit. 
Sir  GREGORY  is  one  of  the  bluffest,  the  cheeriest,  and  the  beat 
of  country  .squires.  He  has  been  a  member  of  the  House  of 
Commons,  but  at  a  recent  General  Election  "  those  confounded 
agitators,  as  he  calls  his  Radical  opponents,  were  too  many  for 
him,  and  since  the  disastrous  day  that  saw  his  defeat.  Sir 
GREGORY  has  retired  from  active  politics,  for  which,  to  tell  the 
truth,  he  never  cared,  and  has  devoted  himself  to  his  family,  to 
his  neighbours,  and  to  the  management  of  his  estate.  Sir 
GREGORY,  although  as  a  youngster  he  had  kept  the  dons 
alive  at  Oxford,  and  had  afterwards  had  a  short?  but  coruscat- 
ing, period  of  service  in  the  Grenadier  Guards,  is  now  a  good, 
prejudiced,  steady-going  country  gentleman  of  the  most  pro- 
nounced and  orthodox  type.  In  his  part  of  the  world — I  judge 
by  his  conversation — the  landed  interest  has  been  irretrievably 
ruined  for  years  past,  and  as  a  necessary  consequence  the  United 
Kingdom  generally  has  gone  to  perdition,  has  become  the  laugh- 
ing stock  of  foreign  nations,  so  that  now  "any  two-penny  half- 
penny little  foreign  republic,  Heaven  help  us,  has  only  to  show 
its  miserable  apologies  for  teeth,  and  we  grovel,  Sir,  yes,  grovel 
as  if  we  'd  been  licked."  ^  But  au  fond  Sir  GREGORY,  in  spite  of 
his  prejudices  and  his  violence,  is  one  of  the  best  and  softest- 
hearted  men  I  know,  a  man,  too,  of  infinite  good  nature  and 
admirable  cheerfulness. 

WHEN  Sir  GREGORY  came  into  my  chambers  at  the  Temple 
the  atmosphere  of  the  place  and  the  whole  scenej  indeed,  seemed 
to  undergo  a  magical  change.  In  place  of  the  shelf  where  I 
keep  my  law  reports  I  seemed  to  see  a  well-kept  stable  with  its 
stalls  neatly  covered  in  straw,  plaited  and  bound  at  the  edges, 
and  a  round  dozen  or  so  of  sleek  horses  stamping  and  munching 
and  drawing  their  head-stall  straps  with  a  run  through  the  iron 
rings,  while  a  tight-trousered,  bandy-legged  groom,  his  braces 
down  and  his  shirt-sleeves  rolled  up,  pulled  back  the  horse- 
clothes  and  slapped  the  resounding  flanks  of  the  kindly  beasts, 
My  writing-table,  with  all  its  briefs,  turned  into  a  dog-kennel, 
and  a  dairy  set  itself  up  in  the  corner  reserved  for  my  text- 
books. And  over  all  there  floated  that  combined  aroma  of  cows, 
horses,  dogs,  corn,  and  stored  apples  which  always  lingers 
lovingly  over  those  who  spend  their  Sunday  mornings  at  a  country 
house  in  making  the  usual  round  outside.  The  impression  was 
only  momentary.  As  it  dissipated  itself  I  found  myself  grasping 
Sir  GREGORY  by  the  hand  and  interchanging  with  him  the  usual 
questions  and  answers. 

"  LOOK  here,  my  boy,"  said  Sir  GREGORY,  "  you  might  be  very 
useful  to  me.  I  've  been  trying  to  manage  my  confounded  estate 
myself  lately,  but  it's  too  much  for  me.  Now  if  you  know  a 
young  fellow,  a  presentable  chap,  of  course,  a  good  sportsman, 
and  all  that,  who  could  come  and  help  me — do  a  bit  of  land- 
agency,  in  fact,  I  should  be  glad  to  hear  of  him.  I  couldn't  give 
him  much  in  the  way  of  a  salary,  but  there  's  a  good  cottage  and 

any    amount    of "     But    Sir    GREGORY    never  detailed    the 

amount,  for  before  he  could  go  any  farther,  I  had. told  him  that 
the  one  man  of  all  others  in  the  whole  world  who  would  suit  the 
place,  who  was  designed  by  nature  to  be  a  land-agent,  was  my 
brother-in-law,  HARRY.  At  any  rate,  to  cut  a  long  matter  short,  I 
shortly  afterwards  introduced  HARRY  to  Sir  GREGORY,  who  took 
a  fancy  to  him,  and  in  less  than  a  fortnight  HARRY  was  off  to 
help  in  managing  the  estate  of  Sir  GREGORY  in  Yorkshire. 
(To  be  continued.) 


FROM  OUR  OWN  WELSH  BRER  RABBIT. 

Unreported.  "In  the  University  of  Wales,"  said  Mr.  GLAD- 
STONE, M.A.  ("Master  of  'Arps"),  "which,  as  I  would  not  be 
accused  of  dropping  my  '  h's ',  I  would  spell  '  Whales ',  there 
will  of  course  exist  a  College  of  '  All  Soles.'  "  ("Hear !  Hear !  ") 
"While  the  cultivation  of  the  racial  language  will  be  strictly 
attended  to,  Welshers  will  not  be  allowed  to  set  foot  within  the 
precincts."  (Cheers.) 

H.R.H.  the  Prince  of  WALES,  speaking  in  the  language  of  the 
Principality,  said,  "Heddyw  Rhag  bron  yuall  pa  le  bob  amser 
iwodd  lyk  tobe  mae  yn  dda  genyf  Y  mae  yn  fyw  andsov  ery 
sppri  wed  Blodeno.  Tri  Hippippoorar  fur  der  altesse  Tywysoges !" 
(Loud  cheering,  and  the  degrees  were  conferred.) 

MOST  APPROPRIATE  ATTIRE. — A  "  grass-lawn  "  tennis  costume. 


10 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  4,  1896. 


tr 
O 


to 


ID 
O 
cc 
O 


LU 

£ 

< 
_i 

DC 
0. 


JULY  4,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


11 


IN    MEMORIAM. 

Mr.  Punch  on  the  Popular  Impresario. 

[Sir  AUGUSTUS  HARRY  GLOSSOP  HARRIS  (better 
and  affectionately  known  as  "  Gus  HARRIS  ") 
died  on  June  22,  at  the  age  of  44.] 

DRURIOLANUS*    deadl     The    town    seems 

duller 
For  his  departure,  whose  brief,  active 

life 

Lent  to  its  grimness  gaiety  and  colour, 
And  mingled  mirth  with  its  sad,  sombre 

strife. 
The  Public's  friend  and  favourite,  hard  he 

toiled 

To  give  it  the  best  rest — of  recreation. 
By  loss  undaunted,  and  by  gain  unspoiled, 
Generous  as  shrewd,  he  served  his  gene- 
ration 
Better  than  some  on  loftier  levels  posing. 

Thorough  as  enterprising  and  alert, 
He  lived  each  hour  of  that  Keen  life  whose 

closing 
Comes  to  us  with  a  sense  of  personal 

hurt. 
We  might  have  better   spared  a  greater 

man, 
Though  a  more  genial  host  or  cheerier 

guest, 
More  inexhaustible  in  scheme  and  plan 

To  give  his  loyal  Public  of  the  best, 
More  skilled,  resourceful,  keenly  resolute, 
Amusement's  motley  world  will  hardly 

know. 

Its  debt  to  him  now  lost  who  shall  com- 
pute? 

Actor,  inventor,  impresario; 
Sound  judge  of   art  as  of  mere  passing 

whim, 

Of  music  as  of  modish  phantasy, 
Of  drama  as  of  melodrame,  to  him, 

Showman  or  Solon  of  the  stage,  we're 

free 
To  own  large  debt,  and  owe  most  hearty 

thanks. 

It  may  be  long  ere  such  another  chief 
As    good    "Gus   HARRIS"    graces   Stage- 

dom's  ranks. 

To  whose  green  laurels  Punch  would  add 
his  leaf. 

*  Mr.  Punch  bestowed  upon  the  great  manager 
the  heroic  title  of  "AUGUSTUS  CAESAR  DRURIO- 
LANUS." 


ESSENCE  OP  PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Monday  Night, 
June  22. — "  Do  you  remember  this  night 
last  year,  my  TOBY  ?  "  said  the  SQUIRE  OF 
MALWOOD,  as.  having  seen  Education  Bill 
withdrawn,  he  permitted  himself  rare 
luxury  of  going  out  to  dinner.  "I  don't 
mean  the  precise  day  of  the  month,  but 
this  corresponding  Monday  in  June  last 
year.  You  were  good  enough  to  say  that 
my  speech  to-night,  following  PRINCE 
ARTHUR'S  motion  withdrawing  Education 
Bill,  was  one  of  the  best  you  have  heard 
since  you  left  the  rural  retirement  of  The 
Kennel,  in  your  Barkshire  home,  and  you 
add  that  is  the  view  taken  on  both  sides 
of  House. 

"Well,  on  this  very  Monday  in  June 
last  year  there  was,  by  strange  coincidence, 
another  such  scene  as  we  have  witnessed 
to-night,  the  prinicipal  spokesmen  being 
PRINCE  ARTHUR  and  I.  House  packed 
from  floor  to  topmost  range  of  galleries ; 
the  same  throng  at  the  bar ;  the  same  long 
lines  in  the  side  galleries;  Peers  crowding 
entrance  to  their  seats,  like  mob  at  pit  or 
gallery  of  Haymarket  Theatre  when 
Trilby  is  on  ;  the  same  electric  air 
vibrating  through  crowded  chamber.  All 


'Bus  Conductor.   "  EMMERSMITH  !    EMMERSMITH  !     'ERE  YE  ARE  !     EMMERSMITH  !  " 
'Liza  Ann.  "  Oo  ER  YER  CALLIN'  EMMER  SMITH?    SORCY  'OUND  ! " 


the  same,  and  yet  a  universe  of  difference. 
I  stood  then  at  other  side  of  table  ;  PRINCE 
ARTHUR  rose  from  my  place  on  front  Oppo- 
sition Bench.  We  were  the  vanquished 
then,  discomfited  on  unexpected  issue.  To- 
day it  is  PRINCE  ARTHTTR  who  is  unhorsed. 
'Tis  I  who  have  had  the  poignard  at  his 
throat. 

"  All  very  strange,  but  marvel  of  coinci- 
dence completed  by  the  concurrence  of  the 
days.  It  was  on  the  third  Friday  in  June 
last  year  that  we  got  our  great  fall,  blown 
out  of  the  saddle  by  accidental  discharge 
of  cordite.  Almost  to  a  day  twelve 
months  later  the  most  noble,  the  MARKISS 
HUMPTY  DUMPTY  got  a  great  fall  over  his 
Education  Bill.  On  the  Monday  after  the 
cordite  explosion,  being  the  fourth  Monday 
in  June,  1895,  I  gave  up  my  sword  to 
PRINCE  ARTHUR  in  presence  of  crowded 
House  of  Commons.  On  the  fourth  Mon- 
day in  June,  1896,  twelve  months  later  to 
a  day,  PRINCE  ARTHUR  makes  his  great 
surrender,  beaten  by  what  he  picturesquely 
describes  as  a  comparatively  insignificant 
and  discredited  Opposition. 

"It  is  a  very  remarkable  coincidence, 


my  good  TOBY,  and  should  not  be  without 
its  moral  lesson.  Let  us,  on  whatever 
plane  we  chance  to  find  ourselves,  walk 
humbly  and  circumspectly,  ever  bearing  in 
mind  that  in  the  midst  of  Parliamentary 
life  we  are  in  death." 

Business  done. — Education  Bill,  read 
second  time  on  12th  of  May  by  majority 
of  267,  to-night  abandoned  in  Committee. 

Tuesday.— When  Mark  Tapky  accom- 
panied his  master  to  Eden,  and  discovered 
that  the  "city"  was  a  hideous  swamp, 
with  here  and  there  a  miserable  log  cabin, 
the  depth  of  hopelessness  was  plumbed  by 
Martin  Chuzzlewit  falling  ill  of  fever. 
"'Now,  Mr.  TAPLEY,'  said  MARK,  giving 
himself  a  tremendous  blow  on  the  chest  by 
way  of  reviver,  'just  you  attend  to  what 
I've  got  to  say.  Things  is  looking 
about  as  bad  as  they  can  look,  young  man. 
You  '11  not  have  such  another  opportunity 
for  showing  your  jolly  disposition,  my  fine 
fellow,  as  long  as  you  live.  And  there- 
fore, TAPLEY,  Now 's  your  time  to  come 
out  strong  ;  or  Never.' " 

Just  now  the  strongest  Ministry  of 
modern  times  has  received  knock-down 


12 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  4,  1896. 


ENCOURAGING. 

Curate  (who  ivisJies  to  encourage  local  industry).   "WELL,  ADAMS,  now  ARE  YOU  GETTING 
ON  WITH  MY  WATCH  ? " 

Adams.  "WHY,  IT  BE  NIGH  FINISHED  NOW,  ZUR,  AN*  'E  DO  ZEEM  TO  GO  MORTAL  WELL, 

BUT  DANG  ME,    IF  THERE  BAIN?T  A  WHEEL   AS   I   CAN'T  FIND   A   PLACE  VOR  SUMMOW  !  " 


blow.     Have  beaten  the  record  in  all  ways 

Ssssible  to  discredit  a  powerful  Ministry, 
ow  is  time  for  MARK  TAPLEY,  M.P.,  to 
appear  on  scene.  Comes  forth  in  person 
or  HENRY  MEYSEY-THOMPSON,  Bart. 
House  on  report  stage  of  Agricultural 
Rating  Bill.  Opposition  cock-a-whoop 
after  unexpected  victory.  Ministerialists 
correspondingly  depressed. 

"  What 's  it  all  about  P  "  asks  the 
AMEYSEYNG-THOMPSON,  slapping  himself 
on  the  breast  as  was  Mark  Tapley's 
wont.  "  What 's  happened  ?  I  'm  just  go- 
ing down  to  see  my  constituents,  and  I  '11 
tell  you  what  I'm  going  to  say  to  them." 

That  would  have  been  delightful.  No- 
thing House  would  have  enjoyed  more 
than  having  MEYSEY-TAPLEY-THOMPSON'S- 
speech  to  his  constituents  rehearsed.  But 
SPEAKER  inexorable.  It  had,  he  blandly 
said,  nothing  to  do  with  Rating  Bill. 
However  interesting  pleasure  of  listening, 
it  must  be  foregone.  So  M.-T.-T.  sat 
down  with  all  his  music  in  him.  But 
mere  interposition  of  his  breezy  presence 
had  same  effect  as  accompanied  move- 
ments of  Marie  Tapley.  Ministerialists 
plucked  up  courage.  Opposition  drew  in 
their  horns.  SQUIRE  OF  BLANKNEY  hung 
his  white  silk  pocket-handkerchief  another 
yard  out  of  his  breast  pocket,  and  showed 
with  fuller  confidence  how  the  three-card 
trick  of  the  Rating  Bill  equally  benefits 
Landlord,  Farmer,  and  Labourer. 

Business  done. — Rating  Bill  at  report 
stage. 

Thursday. — "No  use  HENNIKER-HEATON 
trying  to  intimidate  me  by  shooting  at 
HANBURY,"  Duke  of  NORFOLK  is  reported 
to  have  said.  These  are  brave  words. 
But  if  HENNIKER  isn't  soon  raised  to  peer- 
age where  he  may  face  JOCKEY  o'  NOR- 
FOLK on  equal  terms,  HANBURY  must  go 
there.  It's  terrible  to  be  pelted  night 
after  night  with  pellets  from  pillar  letter 
boxes.  To-night  HENNIKER  insisted  that 
HANBURY  should,  right  off,  explain  why 
some  postmasters  charge  "  bo'nheur "  as 
two  words,  taking  the  same  iniquitous 


course  with  "alright."  Even  case-hard- 
ened Secretary  to  Treasury  must  be 
touched  by  cruel  disappointment  under- 
gone by  fellow-creature  who,  probably  as 
result  of  sitting  up  all  night,  invented  word 
"  alright,"  proffered  it  as  part  of  a  tele- 
gram, and  round  a  penny  charged  for  it, 
instead  of  a  halfpenny  as  he  had  hoped. 

HANBURY  concealing  his  emotion,  gave 
customary  official  reply.  Thought  ordeal 
over  for  night.  HENNIKER  down  on  him 
like  a  shot  with  another  conundrum. 

"  Why  is  father-in-law  charged  as  three 
words,  and  mother-in-law  as  one  ?  " 

"  I  was,"  HANBURY  told  me;  later,  "  go- 
ing to  reply  that  there  is  an  instinct  with 
a  certain  class  of  men  that  impels  them  to 
make  as  little  as  possible  of  their  mother- 
in-law.  Might  have  led  to  controversy ; 
thought  it  better  to  say  nothing.  But 
must  get  rid  of  HENNIKER.  Wonder  if 
he  'd  accept  mission  to  inspect  and  report 
upon  telegraph  service  in  Mashonaland  ? 
Lines  in  neighbourhood  of  Buluwayo  and 
Fort  Salisbury  just  now  effer  interesting 
field  for  man  of  active  habits." 

Business  done. — Working  through  re- 
port stage  of  Rating  Bill. 

Friday.  —  Sad  to  watch  demoralising 
effect  of  Ministerial  defeat  on  faithful 
follower,  JOHNSTON  OF  BALLYKILBEG.  All 
through  his  Parliamentary  life  has  kept 
up  fusillade  against  his  compatriots  of 
another  faith  sitting  opposite.  Ever  ready 
to  beat  the  Orange  drum  when  need  were 
to  drown  the  music  of  the  Catholic  horn. 
But  apparent  ferocity  only  his  fun.  SARK, 
who  knows  them  both,  always  insists  that 
the  two  kindest-hearted,  gentlest-mannered 
men  in  House  are  those  redoubtable  con- 
troversialists TIM  HEALY  and  JOHNSTON  OF 
BALLYKILBEG. 

Defeat  of  esteemed  leaders  on  Treasury 
Banch  has,  only  temporarily  it  is  hoped, 
soured  BALLYKILBEG'S  temper.  The 
other  night  when  JOHN  DILLON  was 
picturing  period  of  millennium  in  Belfast, 
whereat  Lord  Mayor  of  the  Orange  City 
and  the  Roman  Catholic  Bishop  solemnly 


shook  hands  over  an  arrangement  of  the 
Corporation  Bill,  BALLYKILBEG  interpo- 
lated the  remark,  "  PILATE  and  HEROD  1 " 

The  House  shuddered.  Last  time  HEROD 
was  introduced  into  Parliamentary  debate 
he  was  followed  by  pointed  reference  to 
JUDAS,  leading  up  to  the  famous  free  fight. 
Members  held  their  breath  and  waited. 
Happily  nothing  came  of  it.  But  incident 
marks  the  deep  stirring  of  a  gentle  nature, 
and  shows  how  men's  hearts  have  been 
riven  by  the  event  of  a  historic  week. 

Business  done.— Committee  of  Supply. 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

A  SYBARITE  IN  A  DAMP  PARK  DEPLORES  AN 
ASSIGNATION  AT  FIVE  A.M. 

THE  nimble  minutes  fly  apace, 

And  yet  you  do  not  keep  our  tryst ; 
The  bracken  springs  with  sprightly  grace 

Amid  the  silver  morning  mist. 
The  early  bird  on  yonder  lawn 

Is  sapient  gourmet  of  the  wood, 
And  hails  the  herald  of  the  dawn 

As  tried  purveyor  of  his  food. 

But  I  have  not  yet  broken  fast — 

My  drowsy  vassals  kept  their  rooms 
When  I  descended,  and  o'ercast 

A  scene  demanding  air  and  brooms. 
We  were  a  merry  crowd  last  night 

Neath  wit  and  whiskey's  mingled  spell — 
I  say  "  last  night,"  but  morning  light 

Was  breaking  ere  we  bade  "  Farewell  1 " 

My  comrades  went  to  seek  their  rest 

Like  foemen  weary  of  the  fray — 
If  snoring  of  repose  be  test, 

They  '11  wake  refreshed  for  lunch  to-day. 
But  I  have  never  closed  my  eyes, 

Remembering  whom  I  now  shall  meet. 
The  love  that  time  and  temper  tries, 

Is  one  that  makes  us  long  to  eat  1 

Yes  1  underneath  this  grand  old  oak 

That  seems  for  something  hot  to  beg, 
Where  first  our  faithful  vows  we  spoke, 

Those  birds  suggest  a  new-laid  egg. 
That  troutlet  leaping  in  the  stream 

More  pleasing  would  be  on  the  grill ; 
That  cow  incites  a  wish  for  cream, 

And  bread  is  promised  by  yon  mill! 

Why  don't  you  come  ?     Am  I  to  wait 

Till  all  mankind 's  restored  to  life  ? 
Oh,  for  an  omelette  tete-a-tete, 

And  fork  to  dally  with  a  knife ! 
Oh,  for  my  coffee's  fragrant  steam, 

Unchicoried,  a  liquid  gem! 

I'll    read    your    words great,    ghastly 

dream! 

Your  note  says,  "  Meet  me  Five  P.M."  ! 


A  FALL  IN  LODORE. 

[ "  The  Lodore  Hotel  and  Falls  were  put  up  to 
auction  the  other  day,  but  no  sale  was  effected."] 

YES!  the  same  water  comes  down  at  Lo- 

dpre, 

Crashing  and  slashing, 
And  mashing  and  bashing, 
And  hashing  and  dashing, 
And  lashing  and  splashing, 
But  the  moneyed  men  did  not  come  down 
for  Lodore ! 


THE  QUEEN  AS  UMPIRE. — Her  MAJESTY 
has  decreed  "  no  ball "  at  Buckingham  Pal- 
ace this  season,  so  no  "long  hops"  will 
be  in  evidence.  ' 

FIRE  AND  WATER. — Surely  the  Interna- 
tional emblem  of  the  Fire  Brigades  ought 
to  be  the  pump-kin. 


JULY  11,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  -THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


13 


6 


SANS    ADIEU  !" 


Chartered  Co.  (to  C-c-l  Rh-d-s,  who  looks  "  rather  resigned").   "  SORRY  WE  'VE  BEEN  OBLIGED 

TO    ACCEPT    YOUR    RESIGNATION,     BUT    WE    KNOW    WE    CAN    STILL    RELY    ON    YOUR    VALUABLE 
SERVICES.      A  U  REVOIR  !  " 


OPERATIC  NOTES. 

Wednesday.  —  Not  too  big  a  house  for 
Mefistofele,  with  MARGUERITE  MACINTYBE 
as  two  single  ladies  rolled  into  one,  name- 
ly, Margherita  and  Elena:  of  course,  a 
double  attraction.  EDWARD  DE  RESZKE 
magnificent  as  Mefistofele.  CREMONINI 
not  strong  enough  for  Faust.  But  Faust 
was  a  rather  weak  person.  BOITO'S  opera 
is  a  very  remarkable  work,  and  the  Covent 
Garden  Management  is  justified,  "  on  this 
occasion  only,"  in  issuing  a  printed  re- 
quest to  those  of  the  audience  who  cannot 
remain  till  the  end,  to  leave  "  during  the 
interval  preceding  it."  But  audiences, 
especially  operatic,  dp  not  approve  of  being 
dictated  to.  Also,  liking  to  be  considered 
as  habitues,  they  flatter  themselves  they 
know  when  to  come  and  when  to  leave 
without  being  ushered  in  or  ordered  out. 
MAGGIB  MAO  obtained  a  lovely  bouquet. 
The  quartette  at  end  of  Second  Act  was 
deservedly  and  vociferously  encored.  Mas- 


terful Mefistofele-Mancinelli  led  his  band 
to  victory.  Mefistofele  notable  as  being 
one  of  the  very  few  operas  in  which  there 
is  no  part  for  Mile.  BAUERMBISTEB. 

Thursday.  —  Carmen.  A  grand  perfor- 
mance. Is  there  a  better  Carmen  than 
Mile.  ZELIB  DE  LUSSAN  ?  If  so,  name  her. 
Watch  her  by-play,  technically  known  as 
"  business."  It  is  a  study ;  it  is  admira- 
ble. In  the  Third  Act,  M.  ALVAREZ  scored, 
not  musically,  but  dramatically,  as  Don 
Jose,  when,  losing  his  temper  with  the 
perfidious  light-o'-love  Carmen,  he  dashes 
her  to  the  ground.  And  how  excellent 
in  this  situation  was  ZELIE  DE  LUSSAN  I 
Scared,  as  if  she  were  saying,  "  Well,  I  am 

dashed to  the   ground  I  and   dazed !  " 

Admirable  contrast  in  appearance  is 
Madame  EMMA  EAMES,  singing  charmingly 
and  winning  a  basket  of  flowers,  handed  up 
by  Benignant  BEVIGNANI.  EMMA  acted 
surprise  on  seeing  this  enormous  panto- 
mime basket,  as  who  would  say,  "  Lawks ! 
is  this  for  me,  poor  little  me?"  With  the 


Priest  of  Venus  in  La  Belle  Selene,  all 
sensible  persons,  "  friends  in  front,"  exclaim 
"  Trop  de  fleurs ! "  Perhaps  the  stupid 
custom  will  die  out.  If  flowers  are  to  be 
given,  let  it  be  by  spontaneous  action  on 
part  of  audience  carried  away  by  some 
grand  effort,  and  showering  on  La  Diva 
the  bouquets  (if  any,  bouquets  not  being 
in  fashion  nowadays)  they  have  brought 
with  them.  Miles.  BAUBRMEISTER  and 
BRANI  very  good,  especially  the  former. 
A  better  Escamillo  than  Signer  ANOONA  is 
hard  to  find,  and  his  rendering  of  the 
Toreador  song  gained  a  hearty  encore, 
which  ANCONA'B  dramatic  and  vocal  merit 
richly  deserved.  Altogether  a  first-rate 
performance.  Vive  Carmen! 


BRITANNIA  AT  HENLEY. 

OH,  I  am  a  wet-bob  nurse,  I  am, 

And  I  know  my  way  by  the  Gut  of  Cain, 

And  the  similar  Gut  of  Isis ; 
And  the  one,  they  say,  is  the  source  of  all 
The  nautical  virtues,  great  and  small, 

And  the  other  of  all  the  vices. 

But  I  think  at  the  end  of  a  four-mile  show 
That  a  margin  of  eight  mere  yards  or  so 

Is  a  most  exceedingly  tight  one  ; 
And  had  both   been  reared  on  the  self- 
same ditch, 
I'd  have  certainly  backed — well,  I  won't 

say  which — 
But  certainly  backed  the  right  one. 

But  to-day  our  friends  from  the  far,  far 

West, 
Shall  put,  if  they  can,  to  a  crucial  test 

The  fame  of  our  Old-world  fettle  ; 
For  when  Thames  and  Isis  and  Cam  com- 
bine, 
There 's  work  to  be  done  if  they  'd  take  the 

shine 
From  our  polished  Britannia  mettle. 

As  a  matter  of  faith  I  'm  free  to  confess 
That  nothing  succeeds  like  the  old  success, 

In  the  track  of  a  tried  commander ; 
And  with  NICKALLS  at  need  to  pull  them 

through, 
I  pin  my  hopes  to  the  crimson  crew, 

To  the  luck  of  our  loved  Leander. 

But  I  pray  that  the  pick  of  the  lot  may 

win 
Through  the  ding-dong  rattle  from  Faw- 

ley  in, 
When    the    throb  of    the    heart  goes 

shorter ; 

When  sister  Britannia's  well-known  throat 
Sends  back  like  thunder  her  best  top-note, 
To  the  yell  of  the  Yale  supporter. 

They    may   yell   "Yale.    Yale!"   as   they 

yelled  "  Cornell  I* 
Till  they  're  black  in  the  face  and  as  hoarse 

as — Hades, 

On  the  boom  for  the  bold  TJitlander ; 
But    I   guess    that    my   best  top-note   L 

worth 

A  couple  of  lengths  and  the  inside  berth, 
To  the  backers  of  old  Leander. 


WHAT  SIR  TATTON  SYKBS  GIVES  FORTH 
TO  THE  WORLD. — That  in  so  far  as  he  is 
concerned  La  Fleche  may  go  to — Lord 
MARCUS  BERESFORD. 

KARA  Avis  IN  TERRACE,  NIGROQUB  SIMIL- 
LIMA  OTGNO.— One  of  the  new  waitresses 
at  the  House  of  Commons. 


MR.  SPBAKBR'S  (UNAUTHORISED)  DEFINI- 
TION OF  UP-TO-DATB  M.P.'a. — Poll-parrots. 


14 


PUNCH,   OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  11,  1896. 


THE    LOVING    CUP   AT    HENLEY! 

Father  Thames  (drinking  to  the  health  of  the  Yale  crew).   "  HERE  's  TO  YOU,  BOYS  !     DELIGHTED  TO  SEE  YOU  ! 


JULY  11,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


15 


TO    THE    RESCUE." 

Damsel  in  distress.  "HELP,  JACK  !    HELP  !    TOMMY  is  GOING  TO  LIE  DOWN,  AND  /  CAN'T  SWIM!' 


THE  YACHTING  SEASON. 

(Examination  for  a  Master's  Certificate. ) 

•1.  CAN  you  dance  a  hornpipe?  if  so,  which?  (Viva  vocc.) 
If  dancing  unaccompanied  by  fiddle,  whistle  the  first  eight  bars 
of  College  Hornpipe.  Also,  dance  the  three  first  figures  of  the 
hornpipe,  announcing  the  distinctive  name  of  each  beforehand. 


2.  Explain  the  terms  "  Ahoy !  "  "  Avast !  "  "  Belay  I  "     Whence 
— irived?     Also   of   "Splice  my   main-brace."     Is  "main-brace" 
a  part  of  rigging,  or  of  sailor's  costume  ?     Which  ?     If  neither, 
what  ?     Is  "  Lubber  "  a  term  of  opprobrium  or  of  endearment  ? 
State  varieties  of    "Lubber."     Give    derivations   of  the    terms 
"Bumboat   woman,"    "Marlin'    spike,"    "Son    of    a    sea-cook," 
"Dash   my   lee-scuppers!"  "Pipe  your    eye,"   "Tip    us    your 
grapplin'  iron." 

3.  How  many  Mates  may  a  Sea  Captain  legally  possess  at  any 
one  time  ? 

4.  Is  "  Sextant "  the  feminine  of  "  Sexton  "  ? 

6.  How  often  do  "  the  red  magnetic  pole "  and  "  the  blue 
pole "  require  repainting  ?  At  whose  expense  is  the  operation 
performed  ? 

6.  Are    only    Royal  Academicians  eligible  as  "painters"  on 
board? 

7.  Is  it  the  duty  of  the  Surgeon  on  board  ship  to  attend  the 
"heeling"? 

8.  In  case  the  needles  of  the  compass  get  out  of  order,  will 
pins  do  as  well? 

9.  At  what  time  in  the  day,  whether  previous  or  subsequent 
to  dinner,  is  it  necessary  to  "  allow  for  deviation*  "  ? 

10.  Draw  a   picture   of   "  Three   Belles."    Give   classic   illus- 
tration from  the  story  of  Paris. 

11.  What  rule  is  there  as  to  showing  lights  on  nearing  Liver- 
pool? 

12.  When  in  doubt  would  you  consult  "  the  Visible  Horizon," 
"the    Sensible   Horizon,"    or   "the  Rational   Horizon"?     Give 
reason  for  your  selection. 

13.  Can  sailors  ever  trust  "  the  Artificial  Horizon "  ?    If  so, 
under  what  circumstances? 

14.  Is  "Azimuth"  an  idol,  or  something  to  eat? 


15.  Would  "  Mean  time "  always  refer  to  lowering  wages  or 
diminishing  rations  ? 

16.  Presuming  you  know  all  about  the  "Complement  of  an 
Arc,"  explain  that  of  Noah's. 

17.  Who  was  "  Parallax  "  ?     Give  a  brief  sketch  of  his  career. 

18.  Give  example  of  "  Meridian  Altitude  of  a  Celestial  Object," 
by  drawing  a  picture  of  the  Chinese  Giant  who  was  over  here 
some  time  ago. 

19.  Give  history  of  "the  Poles."     Who  was  KOSCITTSKO?    Is 
this  spelling  of  his  name  correct  ? 

20.  "Civil  Time."     Illustrate  this  term  from  English  History. 

21.  Can  a  "  First  Mate's  ordinary  Certificate  "  be  granted  by 
Doctors'  Commons  or  the  Archbishop  of  Canterbury? 

(On  these  questions  being  satisfactorily  answered,  the  next  Examination 
Paper  will  be  issued.) 

COMPLIMENTAEY  CONVERSATION  A  LA  CHLNOIS. 

(Arranged  for  the  reception  oj  a  coming  illustrious  visitor.') 

MAT  your  Excellency  stay  in  London  a  thousand  years,  and 
be  accompanied  to  all  the  sights  in  town  every  day  and  night 
for  a  century. 

China  is  more  civilized  and  important  than  all  the  powers  of 
Europe  put  together,  and  the  entire  British  Fleet  is  not  compar- 
able with  the  smallest  junk  from  Pekin. 

Your  Excellency  is  infinitely  wiser  than  Prince  VON  BISMARCK, 
more  accomplished  than  the  German  EMPEROR,  and  quite  as 
astute  as  the  Right  Hon.  JOSEPH  CHAMBERLAIN. 

The  words  that  your  Excellency  will  speak  will  be  treasured  a 
million  times  more  dearly  than  the  conversation  of  H.  M.  the 
late  Sovereign  of  Persia,  and  your  sojourn  amongst  us,  however 
prolonged,  will  be  quite  as  pleasing  as  the  flying  visit  of  the 
SHAHZADA. 

Compared  to  China,  England  is  but  a  valley  beside  a  mountain, 
a  small  potato  near  a  pie  of  pumpkins. 

But  your  Excellency  understands  the  proverb,  "  compliments 
butter  no  parsnips,"  and,  as  the  Times  sensibly  observes,  "  will 
like  us  the  better  if  we  do  not  overvalue  either  you  or  your 
country." 


16 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  11,  1896. 


The  Doctor's  Daughter.   "On,  GILES,  I  HAVE  A  MESSAGE  FOR  YOU  FROM  MY  FATHER.     HE 

8AYS   YOU   MUST   TAKE   SOME   QUININE   IN   ALL   THE   WHISKEY   YOU   DRINK." 

.  The  Village  Toper.   "LOR',  MISSY,  I'D   BE  FEARED  o'  DOIN'  MYSELF  A  INJURY,  TAKIN' 
QUININE  IN  SUCH  QUANTITIES  !  " 


FINANCIAL  ADVICE. 

(From  the  Poppleton  College  Gazette.) 

DEAR  JACK, — Business  matters  have  been 
fairly  quiet  tnis  week,  although  prices  have 
fluctuated  considerably.  Money  is  less 
abundant  than  it  was  a  few  weeks  ago  at 
the  beginning  of  the  term.  JONES  major, 
however,  one  of  our  most  dashing  specu- 
lators, expects  a  visit  from  an  uncle  at 
the  end  of  the  week,  who  is  not  unlikely 
to  furnish  him  with  a  fresh  supply  of 
capital.  It  is  rumoured  that,  with  the  aid 
of  this,  JONES  intends  to  create  a  corner 
in  white  mice.  As  these  commodities  are 
very  cheap  at  their  present  price  (two 
cakes  or  a  pocket-knife),  you  will  do  well 
to  purchase  as  many  as  possible,  with  a  view 
to  unloading  later.  Another  security  that 
I  can  honestly  commend  as  a  sound  in- 
vestment is  KELLY'S  Csesar  cribs.  They 
are,  I  know,  at  a  considerable  discount 


just  now,  but  the  price  is  sure  to  advance 
greatly  in  a  few  weeks'  time,  when  the 
examinations  are  close  at  hand.  BOHN'S 
gilt-edged  ditto  are  also  cheap,  but,  from 
the  fact  that  they  cannot  easily  be  con- 
cealed under  the  coat,  are  not  likely  to 
do  as  well  as  KELLY'S.  There  has  been 
some  movement  in  catapults,  owing  to  the 
confiscation  of  a  large  number  by  one  of 
the  masters;  indeed,  they  rose  2±  points 
(from  4*d.  to  6d.)  on  Tuesday.  But  I 
cannot  recommend  them,  except  as  a 
speculation,  for  it  is  not  unlikely  that 
the  introduction  of  the  cheap  home-made 
substitute  will  bring  down  the  pi  ice  with 
a  run.  I  may  also  repeat  my  warning  to 
you  to  beware  of  such  purchases  as  Jews' 
harps  and  the  like.  The  boom  in  these 
invariably  is  very  short-lived,  and  the 
rash  buyer  of  any  quantity  will  only  be 
enabled  to  realise  at  an  enormous  loss.  On 
the  other  hand,  I  should  hold  silkworms 
for  a  rise. 


I  must  refer  once  more  to  the  very  un- 
satisfactory report  of  the  Potted  Meat 
Syndicate,  Limited.  This  company  was 
floated,  as  you  will  remember,  with  the 
object  of  providing  its  shareholders  with 
potted  meat  at  tea  for  the  whole  term. 
A  very  large  number  of  half-crown  shares 
were  applied  for,  but  the  potted  meat 
supplied  so  far  has  been  insufficient  in 
quantity  and  inferior  in  quality.  And  now 
SMITH  major  and  his  fellow-directors  have 
issued  a  further  call  of  one  shilling  per 
share  1  All  the  shareholders  are  naturally 
disgusted  at  this  result,  and  I  hope  a 
searching  inquiry  will  be  made  into  the 
manner  in  which  these  self-elected  direc- 
tors have  managed  the  Syndicate's  affairs. 

Under  these  circumstances,  the  failure 
to  float  the  School  House  Pocket-money 
Trust  is  not  to  be  wondered  at.  Its  origi- 
nators proposed  to  take  the  pocket-money 
of  every  boy  in  the  House  for  three  weeks, 
in  order  to  provide  a  grand  feast  at  the 
end  of  term.  But  the  chance  of  any 
dividends  seemed  rather  remote  to  the 
majority  of  speculators.  Trusting  that 
you  will  find  my  hints  of  service  to  you 
in  your  financial  transactions,  believe  me, 
my  dear  JACK, 

Yours   affectionately,         TOMMY. 


arrirt 


(Tlie  Author  of  "  Uncle  Tom's  Cabin  "  died  on 
July  1  at  the  advanced  age  of  85.) 

["  Let  us  never  doubt.  Everything  that  ought  to 
happen  is  going  to  happen."  —  Speech  of  Mrs.  If. 
Ileecher-Stou'e  on  her  Seventieth  Birthday.'] 

AH,  sunny  optimist,  whose  pen 

Was  gay  at  three  score  years  and  ten, 

Would  all  could  share  such  sunniness  ! 
But  life  looks  grey,  and  hope  grows  chill. 
Yet  youth  and  generous  hearts  will  thrill 
O'er  thy  Great  Book,  its  large  goodwill, 

Its  fervour  and  its  funniness. 

That  hook  from  China  to  Peru, 
And  lands  that  JOHNSON  never  knew, 

Thy  name  and  fame  have  taken. 
A  tale  that  helped  to  free  the  slave  1 
From  Uncle  Tom's  untimely  grave 
Came  thoughts  that  stirred  the  kind  and 
brave, 

And  left  hate's  stronghold  shaken. 

Let  all  else  pass,  words  to  regret, 
Unwisdom  all  would  fain  forget, 

One  book,  large,  humorous,  human, 
Abides  to  move  the  best  in  man  ; 
Of  authorship  American, 
In  spirit  cosmopolitan, 

True  work  of  a  true  woman  ! 


England  v.  Australians. 

Shakspeare's  Advice  on  the  choosing  of  the  All 
England  Eleven. 

"  WILL    none    but    HEARNB    or    HUNTER 

serve  your  turn  ?  " 

"£•>          Merry  Wives  of  Windsor,  Act  V.,  Sc.  5, 
amended  Cricket  version. 


A    FAMILIAR    CKAFT   AT   HENLEY. — The 

"  open-house  "  boat. 

THINGS  TO  WHICH  CRICKETING  MEMBERS 
OF  THE  ANTI-GAMBLING  LEAGUE  ARE  AD- 
DICTED.—"  Pitch  "  and  "Toss." 


PETER  THE  HERMIT. — The  Chairman  of 
the  County  of  London  Sessions. 


JULY  11,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


17 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

IT  is  a  little  late  in  the  day  to  mention  ARTHUR  MORRISON'S 
Tales  of  Mean  Streets  (published  by  METHUEN),  but  personally 
I  find  that,  at  this  season  of  the  year,  "  late  in  the  day,"  that  is 
the  cool  of  the  night,  is  just  the  very  best  time  for  quiet  reading, 
when  the  busy  man,  having  "cornered  himself"  comfortably, 
can  peruse  at  leisure — without  fear  of  interruption.  This 
was  my  case — my  book-case — after  a  delightful  day  on  the  river 
in  the  launch  of  the  WELL-RED  DOUGLAS,  of  that  ilk,  in  the  open 
air,  on  the  lovely  river.  Then,  bodily  fatigued,  mentally  active, 
I  sat  down  to  two  stories  out  of  Tales  of  Mean  Streets.  By 
this  time  everyone  knows  them.  The  first  story,  "  Lizarunt," 
is  Zola-esque.  It  is  written,  however,  with  a  humour  that  ZOLA 
possesseth  not,  and  it  is  this  quality  that  saves  it  from  being 
hideously  repulsive.  Without  knowing  from  personal  experience 
that  the  sketch  is  true  to  life,  the  reader  feels  that  it  must  be 
so,  as  such  brutality  cannot  be  imagined,  or,  if  imagined,  could 
not  be  put  into  dramatic  action,  or  on  record.  "  Horrible,  most 
horrible,"  as  the  immortal  WILLIB  hath  it.  "But  humorous, 
most  humorous,"  aye,  and  most  Charles  Dickensly  humorous  is 
"the  bigamistic  story  of  "  That  Brute  Simmons,"  which  is,  as  it 
were,  a  kind  of  Enoch  Arden  tale,  admirably  burlesqued. 
However,  the  book  is  "  eonnu,"  and  I  come  in  late  with  my 
praise.  No  matter,  "  Better  late  than  never." 

With  possibly  unpremeditated,  certainly  effective,  art,  Mr. 
FISHER  UNWIN,  in  publishing  Mr.  FITZGERALD'S  Climbt  in  the 
New  Zealand  Alps,  has  produced  a  volume  almost  mountainous 
in  size,  magnificent  in  get  up.  The  story  is  worthy  of  its  frame- 
work. Mr.  FITZGERALD,  weary  of  the  comparative  commonplace 
of  the  European  Alps,  turned  for  fresh  worlds  to  conquer  amid 
the  grim,  little-known  sisterhood  in  far-off  New  Zealand.  Here 
are  still  to  be  found  virgin  peaks  with  hoary  heads,  never  caressed 
by  human  hand,  soaring  into  clouds  which,  according  to  Mr. 
FITZGERALD'S  account,  continually  do  rage.  Why  a  man  having 
a  moderately  comfortable  home  to  dwell  in  should  wish  to  spend 
a  few  nights  and  days  on  the  top  of  a  mountain,  whose  attraction 
is  apparently  increased  by  its  grim  inaccessibility,  is  a  matter 
my  Baronite  cannot  understand.  Mr.  FiizGiRALD  during  his 
ascents  of  Mounts  Sefton,  Tasman,  Sealy,  Haidinger,  and  other 
uncomfortable  places,  was  snowed  upon,  rained  upon,  blown 
about,  dropped  into  crevasses,  suspended  by  ropes  over  fathom- 
less chasms,  and,  when  not  thus  actively  enjoying  life,  slept  in 
a  bag  after  having  had  nothing  particular  for  dinner.  Tempta- 
tion to  quote  far  exceeds  possibilities  of  apace.  But  here  is  a 
brief  passage  descriptive  of  the  delights  of  mountaineering:  — 

"  Our  clothes,  beards,  and  hair  hung  with  icicles,  while  the  rope  between  us 
•was  covered  with  ice,  rigid  like  an  iron  bar.  The  mist  was  so  thick  that  it 
was  at  times  impossible  to  see  each  other." 

Through  this  and  other  experiences  the  small  party — which, 
in  addition  to  Mr.  FITZGERALD,  consisted  of  a  Swiss  guide  and  a 
New  Zealand  porter,  who  chiefly  spent  his  time  in  getting  in  the 
way  whether  of  man  or  mountain — doggedly,  even  cheer- 
fully, struggled,  winning  their  way  to  the  desired  heights.  The 
narrative  is  picturesquely  told.  The  volume  is  enriched  by  a 
valuable  map,  and  is  illustrated  with  rarely  beautiful  pictures 
drawn  from  photographs  taken  on  the  spot.  TH»  BARON. 

A  SUGGESTED  SPEECH. 

[ "  The  Poet  Laureate  will  unveil  a  statue  of  ROBERT  BURNS  at  Irvine  on 
July  18." — Daily  Papers.] 

GUID  FRIEN'S, — Ye  ken  I  canna  mak'  ye  a  lang  speech,  bein' 
mair  a  wanchansie  mon,  ram-feezled  wi'  writin',  than  a  skirlin', 
tapetless  glib-gabbet.  It's  been  an  awfu'  fash  tae  me,  bein'  a 
Southron,  tae  prepare  a'  this  in  your  Scottish  language,  but  a 's 
weel  that  ends  weel.  It 's  a  bonnie  thing  tae  hae  a  wee  bit  quota- 
tion whyles,  gin  ye  can,  baith  Latin  an'  English.  Aiblins  ye  've 
read  some  o'  my  prose  writin',  whare  ye  '11  find  mony  whig- 
maleeries  and  whirligigums  frae  the  auld  Latin. 

Ye  maun  ken  that  I  'm  the  Poet  Laureate.  That 's  an  unco 
high  an'  exalted  state.  Your  puir  poet  BURNS  had  na  sic  a 
paughty  title.  I  wad  be  laith  tae  rin  him  doun,  but  ye  maun 
ken  that  he  was  nae  Poet  Laureate,  like  myseP  an'  my  prede- 
cessor. I  doubt  na  but  ye  Ve  read  "  Jameson's  Ride."  I  '11  na 
fash  mysel'  tae  tell  ye  o'  any  mair  o'  my  poems.  But  BURNS  was 
nae  feckless  gowk,  sae  it 's  a  pleasure  tae  me  tae  unveil  this 
sonsie  statue. 

Before  I  wish  ye  a'  guid-e'en  an'  gang  awa',  I  may  say  ye  've 
mony  guid  things  in  auld  Scotland,  ye  've  haggis,  an'  pibrochs, 
an'  phillibegs,  an'  parritch,  an'  banks  an'  braes,  an'  mony 
ither  vera  guid  things  baith  for  eatin'  an'  drinkin',  but  ye  've 
ne'er  had  a  great  Poet  Laureate  o'  your  ain.  Ah  weel,  then  ye 
maun  be  satisfied  wi'  puir  BURNS.  There  's  mony  waur. 


INFANT    AGONIES 

Small  Soy.  "AUNTIE!  AUNTIE!    HAS  GOOSEGOGS  GOT  LEGS? 
Auntie.   "No!" 

Small  Boy.  "  BOO-HOO-HOO  !  THEN  I  'VE  BEEN  AND  SWOLLERED — A 
BEASTIE  ! " 


"  Bed  as  a  Hose  is  She." 

[A  fashion  paper  says  that  much  of  the  auburn  hair  now  worn  is  collected 
from  the  heads  of  uncleanly  and  uncomely  women  in  Germany.] 

THOSE  lovely  locks  of  true  Venetian  red, 

That  catch  the  sunlight  in  their  carmine  skein. 

Once  decked  some  ugly  peasant's  unkempt  head, 
Sweet  auburn  1  loveliest  pillage  of  the  plain  1 


SOUTH  AFRICAN  METEMPSYCHOSIS. — It  is  reported  that  Mr. 
CECIL  RHODES  is  becoming  haggard.  Can  the  ex-Premier  of  the 
Cape  have  taken  on  him  the  semblance  of  the  author  of  She  f 


ANOTHER  INJUSTICE  TO  ERIN. — Should  English  tourists  act  up 
to  recent  suggestions  and  invade  Ireland,  the  incursion  is  sure 
to  be  regarded  by  the  natives  as  a  tour  de  force. 

COCK-A-DOODLB-DOO  1 — Our  irrepressible  joker  writes  (from 
prison)  to  lay  that  Hen-lay  has  always  been  celebrated  for  its 
egg-shell  boats. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  11,  1896. 


UP    TO    DATE. 

Mamma.  "I  CAN'T  HAVE  YOU  PLAYING  WITH  MY  PURSE,  JACKY.     THERE'S  YELLOW  MONEY  INSIDE." 
Jacky  (who  collects  new  Farthings).  "  I  'VE  GOT  YELLOW  MONEY  IN  MY  PURSE,  TOO,  MUMMY!" 
Mamma.  "WELL,  MIND  AND  DON'T  MIX  THEM  UP.     MINE  HAS  GOT  A  MAN  ON  HORSEBACK  ON  IT." 
Jacky.   "MINE  HAS  GOT  A  WOMAN  ON  A  BICYCLE!" 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

A  Sorrowing  Swain  at  Henley  to  a  Faithless  Damsel  who  has  accepted 
Central  American  Security. 

THE  houseboats  and  the  launches  are  mingled  once  again, 

Singing,  "  Heave  to !  a  merry  place  is  Henley  !  " 
The  mandolin  and  banjo,  too,  repeat  the  same  refrain, 

Singing,  "  Ting!  tang!  a  jolly  place  is  Henley!" 
The  flowers  are  more  beautiful  than  e'er  they  were  before, 
They  glow  upon  the  river  bed,  and  nod  along  the  shore, 
Each  beckons  with  its  petals  like  a  floral  semaphore, 
Singing  "  Well  met !  'tis  sweet  to  be  at  Henley  I " 

And  you,  my  love,  are  looking  like  a  water-lily  fay, 

Singing,  "  Grass-lawn  's  the  thing  to  wear  at  Henley !" 
You  've  a  hat  that  is  defiant  of  the  Sun-God's  ardent  ray, 

Singing,  "Fair  skins  must  never  brown  at  Henley!" 
You  've  a  skiff,  a  punt,  a  gig,  and  the  cosiest  canoe, 
Canadian  by  birth,  and  it 's  only  made  for  two — 
So  together  we  will  paddle  in  and  out  this  floating  Zoo, 
Singing,  "No  cares  or  tears  are  known  at  Henley." 

There  '11  be  racing,  there  '11  be  shouting,  but  we  '11  never  heed  the 

fray, 

Singing,  "Pull  well!  amuse  yourselves  at  Henley!" 
But  for  us  the  gentle  languor  of  a  listless,  loving  day, 

Singing,  "  Dear  heart !  'tis  thus  we  'd  be  at  Henley  I " 
So  if  London  take  Grand  Challenge,  or  the  "  boys "  the  Ladies' 

Plate, 

Or  if  Dutchman,  Gaul,  or  Yankee  prove  his  oar  is  up  to  date, 
Yet  these  contests  cannot  vie  with  one — the  match  for  which 
I  wait, 

Singing,  "Love  wins!     We're  happiest  at  Henley!" 
****** 

Last  night  I  left  you  warbling  of  the  ever  constant  stream, 
Singing,  "Sea  foam!  I  co-ne  to  thee  from  Henley!" 

Your  voice  kept  coming  back  to  me  like  music  in  my  dream, 
Singing,  "  Sleep  on!  I  slumber,  too,  at  Henley!" 


This  morning  I  was  wakened  with  a  tonic,  not  sol-fa, 
Caused  by  the  wailing  accents  of  your  horrified  mamma. 
She  says  that  you  have  fled  with  HIM  to  Nic-a-rag-u-a  1 
Singing,  "Heigh  ho!  we've  had  enough  of  Henley!" 


TIPS  FOR  FARMERS. 

STICK  to  wheat.  It  was  good  enough  for  your  forefathers,  and 
ought  to  be  good  enough  for  you. 

Clamour  for  protection.  There  is  not  the  slightest  chance  of 
your  getting  it,  but  it  can  do  no  harm  to  ask  for  it,  and  it  takes 
your  mind  off  such  comparatively  unimportant  subjects  as  rent, 
compensation  for  improvements,  and  so  on. 

Leave  your  soil  alone.  Don  t  spend  money  on  nitrates  or 
other  new-fangled  devices  for  increasing  its  fertility.  If  it 
grows  weeds,  as  it  probably  does,  it  can  grow  other  things  if  it 
likes.  Don't  humour  it. 

Never  plant  a  fruit  tree.  Fruit  encourages  birds  (and  boys) 
to  steal.  If  anybody  suggests  jam,  tell  him  "  you  are  not  a 
grocer,"  and  see  what  he  says.  The  probability  is,  that  he  can 
say  nothing  in  face  of  such  a  smashing  retort. 

Never  co-operate  with  neighbouring  farmers,  in  spite  of  what 
Lord  WINCHILSBA  urges.  That  sort  of  thing  may  suit  the  poor 
despised  Dane,  but  not  the  free  Briton.  As  a  rule,  the  worse 
terms  you  are  on  with  brother-farmers,  the  better. 

Eggs  are  entirely  beneath  your  dignity.  So  are  poultry.  So 
are  most  other  things.  You  might  do  a  little  stock-raising,  but 
only  in  a  casual  way.  Cows  are  a  nuisance  ;  let  nothing  tempt 
you  into  the  absurd  "fad"  of  dairy-farming.  It's  the  sort  of 
thing  for  milkmaids  and  milksops,  not  for  you. 

Keep  no  accounts.  Never  read  anything  about  your  business. 
If  the  world  moves,  decline  to  move  with  it.  You  will  find  this 
course  the  simplest,  and  the  Official  Receiver  a  very  pleasant 
gentleman,  after  all.  _ 


"Maxima  debetur  pueris," 
practise  with  maxims." 


"Young  volunteers  ought  to 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.— JULY  11,  1896. 


SWAIN    5c 


NO   REASONABLE   OFFER  REFUSED. 

COSTEB  ABTH-B  B-LF-B.  «"EEE  Y' ARE !    'NAME  YER  OWN  PRICE!     WE'VE  GOT  TO  GO  'OME  D'RECTLY! 

TAKE  'EM  OR  LEAVE   "EM!" 


JULY  11,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


21 


A    LESSON    IN    POLITICS. 

WHAT  ARE  TORIES  AND  RADICALS,  GRANDPAPA  ? " 
"TORIES,  MY  DEAR,  ARE  PEOPLE  WHO  LIKE  TO  HAVE  A  QUEEN, 
AND  LORDS,  AND  BISHOPS,  AND  MORE  OR  LESS  REMAIN  AS  THEY  ARE 
— WHILST  RADICALS  OBJECT  TO  HAVING  A  QUEEN  AND  A  HOUSE  OF 
LORDS,  AND  ARE  DISSATISFIED  WITH  EVERYTHING  AND  EVERYBODY, 
JEALOUS  OF  ALL  WHO  ARE  BETTER  OFF  THAN  THEMSELVES,  AND  ARE 
ALWAYS  TRYING  TO  ROB  THEM  OF  THEIR  PROPERTY,  AND,  IN  FACT, 
THEY  'RE  A  PACK  OF  INFERNAL  ROGUES  AND  SCOUNDRELS  !  " 
"AND  WHICH  ARE  YOU,  GRANDPAPA — A  TORY  OR  A  RADICAL?" 


ROUND  ABOUT  READINGS. 

MY  BROTHER-IN-LAW. 

(Continued.} 

How  is  it,  I  have  often  asked  myself,  that  youngsters  of  a  more 
or  less  proved  incapacity,  turn,  as  a  last  desperate  resort,  to  the 
occupation  and  calling  of  a  land-agent  ?  The  greatest  thickhead  in 
the  world,  supposing  him,  let  us  say,  to  fail  after  repeated  attempts 
to  secure  a  Commission  in  Her  Majesty's  forces,  will  as  a  rule 
tell  you  that  there  is  something  within  him  that  makes  him 
certain  he  would  shine  in  land-agency.  He  seems  to  imagine 
that  the  business  consists  merely  in  riding  good  horses,  in  inter- 
viewing an  occasional  refractory  tenant,  in  shooting,  and  in  pay- 
ing visits  to  the  Metropolis.  Of  the  keeping  of  accounts,  of 
the  orderly  management  of  a  great  estate  with  the  hundred 
details  that  go  to  it  he  never  thinks.  Only  let  him  be  a  land- 
agent,  and  he  sees  himself  fixed  for  life  in  comfortable  quarters 
with  good  food,  and  as  little  to  do  as  is  compatible  with  con- 
tinued existence. 

HARRY,  at  any  rate,  had  no  scruples  of  any  kind.  "  My  dear 
old  man,"  he  had  said,  when  I  communicated  Sir  GREGORY'S 
offer  to  him,  "  it 's  the  very  thing  for  me.  I  always  told  you 
that  was  my  line  of  business.  If  I  don't  make  things  fairly  hum 


up  in  Yorkshire  I  'm  a  Dutchman."  This  seemed  to  me  to  be 
hardly  the  spirit  in  which  such  an  offer  should  be  accepted, 
but  the  great  point  was  that  HARRY  was  disposed  of,  and  there 
was  a  reasonable  hope  that  he  might  really  do  well  in  his  new 
position,  and  cease  to  be  an  incubus  on  me.  There  were  just 
a  few  little  bills,  he  had  hinted,  that  he  would  like  to  pay  off 
before  starting,  BO  as  to  begin  with  a  clear  record.  There  was, 
for  instance,  a  rascally  cigar  merchant  who  had  stuck  him  with  a 
cabinet  of  Cabanas,  there  was  a  clamorous  jeweller  who  had  made 
a  mean  insinuation  with  regard  to  a  writ,  there  were  tailors, 
bootmakers  and  haberdashers.  The  total  staggered  me,  but 
as  this  was  really  to  be  the  last  time,  I  resolved  to  pay  and  look 
as  pleasant  as  I  could.  ALICE  said  I  had  acted  as  I  ought  to 
act,  and  that  it  would  have  been  a  sinful  thing  to  send  the  poor 
boy  to  Yorkshire  with  a  millstone  of  debt  round  his  neck. 
Thus  handicapped,  she  declared,  it  would  not  be  possible  for 
him  to  take  a  real  interest  in  his  new  pursuit — besides,  she  had 
read  only  last  week  a  distressing  account  of  a  market-gardener 
who  had  committed  suicide  because  he  couldn't  pay  his  rent, 
and  she  knew  that  HARKY  had  the  proud  and  sensitive  nature 
which  was  peculiar  to  all  the  members  of  her  family,  and  who 
knew  what  might  have  happened  if  I  had  refused  to  pay.  \\ith 
these  and  other  arguments,  all  equally  convincing  and  irresistible, 
did  my  wife  prove  to  me  that  I  had  in  paying  taken  the  only 
course  which  was  open  to  me  as  a  gentleman  and  a  brother-in- 
law. 

THUS  HARRY  set  off  for  Halesworthy  Hall,  and  for  a  time 
everything  seemed  to  be  going  well.  Sir  GREGORY  was  pleased, 
HARRY  was  delighted,  and  a  blessed  feeling  of  relief  pervaded 
all  my  domestic  arrangements.  All  this  was  much  too  good 
to  last,  and  acordingly,  in  the  fourth  month  after  HARRY'S  de- 
parture, I  received  from  him  the  following  rather  startling 
letter  :  — "  MY  DEAR  TOM, — Don't  be  surprised  at  what  I  'm 
going  to  tell  you.  The  fact  is,  I  never  had  an  idea  there  was 
going  to  be  such  a  mortal  lot  of  grind  and  sweat  about  this 
blessed  business.  I  don't  get  a  single  moment  to  myself,  and  I 
had  to  chuck  three  good  shooting  invites  all  in  one  week  because 
there  were  estate  accounts  to  be  made  up.  I  never  was  much 
of  a  hand  at  figures,  you  know,  and  Sir  GREGORY  expects  me 
to  know  no  end  about  heifers  and  sheep  and  things.  So  I  've 
told  him  that  for  both  our  sakes  I  thought  we  had  better  part. 
Of  course  I  put  it  as  nicely  as  possible  so  as  not  to  hurt  the  old 
boy's  feelings,  because  he 's  a  good  sort,  though  he  doesn't  know  a 
decent  bottle  of  wine  from  rank  poison,  and  smokes  the  beastli- 
est cigars  in  the  world.  I  shall  be  sorry  to  leave  this  place,  for 
there  are  some  very  jolly  people  about,  and  no  end  of  pretty 
girls,  and  the  partridges  this  year  are  first-class ;  but  after  all 
a  fellow  must  deny  himself  something,  so  I  'm  coming  back  in  a 
day  or  two.  I  hope  you  won't  mind  giving  me  the  usual  shake- 
down till  something  else  turns  up.  I  've  got  my  eye  on  two  or 
three  things  already.  There 's  a  Bicycle  Company  they  want 
to  shove  me  into  as  a  director,  but  I  haven't  made  up  my  mind 
about  it  yet,  as  it  wants  some  looking  into.  If  it 's  good  I 
shall  join.  I  met  a  chap  the  other  day  who  invented  a  new 
pedal  or  something,  and  he  's  made  a  Company  of  it,  and  they 
tell  me  he  's  worth  a  hundred  thou.  That 's  the  sort  of  thing 
that  would  suit  me  down  to  the  ground.  Love  to  ALICE.  By 
the  way,  if  you  could  lend  me  about  a  hundred  I  should  be 
awfully  obliged.  Things  have  been  pretty  expensive  here  in 
one  way  and  another.  I'm  sure  to  be  able  to  pay  you  back 
before  the  end  of  the  year  as  I  've  got  a  couple  of  good  young 
horses  that  ought  to  fetch  three  times  what  I  gave  for  them. 
See  you  soon.  Ever  yours,  HARRY. 

P.S. — I've  got  another  bit  of  news  for  you  that'll  make 
you  smile,  but  I  '11  keep  it  till  we  meet." 

FOUR  days  afterwards  HARRY  turned  up  sure  enough,  and  in- 
formed us,  with  the  utmost  cheerfulness,  that  he  had  been 
privately  married  a  fortnight  ago  to  the  eldest  daughter  of  one 
of  Sir  GREGORY'S  tenants.  "Simply  a  ripping  girl,"  he  said. 
"  Can  play  no  end  of  good  comic  songs,  rides  like  an  angel,  and 
is  as  pretty  as  paint."  But  I  didn't  eeem  to  be  able  to  smile 


as  HARRY  had  expected. 


(To  be  continued.) 


Question  for  an  Exam.   Paper,  by  a  Senior  Wrangler 

in  Love. 

WHY  is  an  oval  figure  generated  from  the  section  of  a  cone 
by  a  plane  cutting  both  sides  of  cone,  and  meeting  with  the 
base,  when  produced  like  a  kiss  ? 
Because  it  is  a  lip  tickle  (elliptical). 


22 


PUNCH,   OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  11,  1896. 


JULY  11,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


23 


HYDE  PARK  ITSELF  AGAIN. 

(Thanks  to  the  new  Code  of  Rules.) 

AN  end  of  cant, 

And  rot  and  rant, 
That  made  our  parks  and  gardens  hideous ; 

We  've  heard  enough 

Barn-stormers'  stuff, 
Low  jests  and  blasphemies  insidious  1 

Henceforth  Hyde  Park, 

By  day  and  dark, 
Exists  for  recreation  decent ; 

The  noisy  gangs 

Who  spout  harangues 
Are  silenced  by  these  orders  recent. 

What  with  the  screeds 

Of  rival  creeds, 
'Twas  like  a  cat  show  in  Kilkenny ; 

Salvationist, 

And  atheist, 
Each  brayed  to  catch  the  needful  penny. 

We  '11  feel  disgust 

No  more,  we  trust, 
At  sot  and  satyr,  crank  and  vandal. 

They  're  well  put  down — 

No  foreign  town 
So  long  had  stood  so  grave  a  scandal  I 


EXTRACT  FROM  THE  CIRCULAR  OF  A  LARGE 
CYCLE  MANUFACTURING  FIRM. — "  We  now 
do  business  on  the  pro  rota  system." 


The  Apple  of  Discord. 

OBSTRUCTION  goes  frightfully  far,  but  one 

feels 

It  is  fast  getting  over  the  border, 
When  DALZIEL  to  old  Standing  Orders  ap- 
peals 
In  the  interest  of  Standing  Disorder. 


NOT    A    TENDER    FOOT. — HENRY    ALL- 
CORN  has  been  convicted  of  stealing  boots. 


LORDS  AND  LADIES. 

(After  the  Oxford  aiid  Cambridge  Match.) 

As  usual,  they  were  there  in  hordes — 

The  truth,  I  am  afraid,  is 
That  the  attractiveness  of  Lords 

Somehow  appeals  to  ladies ! 

The  spanking  drive,  the  splendid  catch, 
Good  things  beyond  all  mention, 

I  missed  them  all  throughout  the  match 
Through  some  "  fair  "  intervention. 

The  constant  bobbing  up  and  down 

Of  giant  hats  and  feathers, 
The  unnumbered  rustle  of  passing  gown, 

The  ceaseless  flow  of  "  blethers  " — 

These  things  make  hasty  men  say  "  Blow !  " 
Words  stronger  they  must  smother — 

Although  I  heard  a  parson  go 
So  far  as  to  say  "  Bother !  " 

So,  though  I  'm  rather  fearful  lest 

Our  friendship  it  may  sever, 
Let  me  prefer  one  small  request — 

'Tis  better  late  than  never. 

If,  PHYLLIS,  you  your  place  must  take 

Between  me  and  the  wicket, 
Don't  chatter,  and  for  goodness'  sake 

Sit  still  and  watch  the  cricket ! 


THE  RESULT  OF  "ALL-NIGHT  SiTTiNoa." 
— Brooding  legislators. 


Enthusiastic  Briton  (to  seedy  American,  who  has  been  running  down  all  mir  National 
Monuments).  "  BUT  EVEN  IF  OUR  HOUSES  OF  PARLIAMENT  'AREN'T  IN  IT,'  AS  YOU  SAY, 
WITH  THE  MASONIC  TEMPLE  OF  CHICAGO,  SURELY,  SIR,  YOU  WILL  ADMIT  THE  THAMES 
EMBANKMENT,  FOR  INSTANCE " 

Seedy  American.  "  WAAL,  GUESS  I  DON'T  THINK  so  DURNED  MUCH  OF  YOUR  THAMES 
EMBANKMENT,  NEITHER.  IT  RAINED  ALL  THK  BLARMEB  TIME  THE  MGHT  I  SLEP  ON  IT." 


ESSENCE   OF   PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Tuesday,  June  30. 
8.20  A.M.— -Just  come  home  with  the  milk 
At  least,  I  thought  I  had,  but  find  it  'j 
been  here  nearly  an  hour.  Which,  as  SARI 
says,  shows  the  milk  has  more  sense  thar 
I  have.  SARK  has  more  still.  He  wenl 
home  at  one  o'clock  this  morning,  just  as 
House  was  settling  down  to  all-night  sit- 
ting. He  says  it  was  the  eggs.  Last  time 
we  had  all-night  sitting  there  was  nothing 
to  eat  between  one  o'clock  and  five  ir 
morning.  At  that  hour,  manager  of  Com- 
missariat Department  took  four-wheel  cab. 
made  tour  of  all  fried-fish  shops  in  New 
Cut,  brought  back  four-wheeler  full  of  oily 
scraps.  Doesn't  sound  appetising ;  bu1 
you  should  have  seen  us  gobbling  them 
up! 

At    one    o'clock    this   morning    whisper 


ran  round  that  manager  had  taken  time 
by  the  forelock  and  eggs  by  the  hundred. 

"Eight  hundred  eggs,"  said  TANNER, 
beaming ;  "  mostly  fresh." 

It  was  then  SARK  cleared  out.  "  We 
shall  see  those  eggs  long  before  breakfast 
time,"  he  said.  "  There  must  be  an  end 
of  supply  of  argument  even  on  Agricultu- 
ral Rating  Bill.  When  arguments  are  ex- 
hausted they  '11  take  to  eggs.  I  'm  a  man 
of  peace,  so  I  'II  say  good  night." 

Nothing  of  the  sort  happened.  On  the 
whole,  intensely  dull.  New  Members, 
who  had  heard  of  all-night  sittings  in  good 
old  times,  when  JOSEPH  GILLIS  was  still 
with  us,  and  thirty-seven  Irish  Members 
were  strung  up  within  forty  minutes, 
bitterly  disappointed.  Only  lively  person 
on  premises  was  SQUIRE  OF  MALWOOD. 
Sat  it  all  through ;  from  time  to  time 
stepped  down  and  stirred  the  stagnant 
pool.  Once  made  his  brother  SQUIRE  OF 


24 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  11,  1896. 


BLANKNBT  quite  wild.  Twitted  him  with 
inexperience. 

"  I  have  been  a  Member  of  this  House 
as  long  as  the  right  hon.  gentleman,"  said 
SQUIRE  OF  BLANKNET,  looking  more  than 
ever  like  Jove  as  he  turned  frowning 
countenance  on  his  brother  agriculturist 
opposite. 

"  We  were  born  together,"  said  SQUIRE 
OP  MALWOOD,  sweetly. 

That  upset  BLANKNET  altogether.  "I 
beg  the  right  hon.  gentleman's  pardon," 


"  We'were  bom  together !  " 
(Sir  W.  Harcourt  and  Mr.  Chaplin.) 

he  roared.  "  He  has  the  advantage  of  me 
by  about  twenty-five  years."  Seeing  that 
BLANKNET  was  born  in  1840,  whilst  that 
modest  flower,  WILLIAM  GEORGE  GRAN- 
VILLE  VHNABLES  VERNON  peeped  forth 
from  the  glades  of  Newnham  Park  with 
other  flowers  of  the  Autumn  of  1827,  the 
sum  won't  work.  It  only  shows  how- 
young  the  SQUIRE  OF  BLANKNET  feels,  and 
how  muddled  we  get  at  all-night  sittings. 
"There  are,"  said  SQUIRE  OF  MALWOOD, 
repeating  observation  he  addressed  the 
other  day  to  CRANBORNE,  "two  things  I 
envy  the  ripht  hon.  gentleman.  One  is, 
his  youth,  the  other,  his  inexperience." 

Business  done. — After  sitting  of  seven- 
teen hours,  got  Agricultural  Rating  Bill 
through  Report  Stage. 

Tuesday  night. — SARK  strangely  moved 
by  experience  of  friend  of  his  from  above 
Gangway.     By  four  o'clock  this  morning 
felt  he  'd  had  enough  of  all-night  sitting. 
Happy    thought :     Go    home.      Gas    still 
flaring    from     roof    on     pallid      Members 
struggling    round    Clause    9    of    Rating 
Bill.     Outside  SARK'S  friend,  M.P.,  found 
fair,  fresh  June  morning.     Thought  he  'd 
walk  home.     Crossed  Westminster  Bridge 
as  WORDSWORTH  did  on  a  September  morn- 
ing when  century  was  a  puling  chit  not 
quite  three   years    old.     M.P.    regarding 
scene  recalled  the  matchless  verse  :  — 
This  city  now  doth  like  a  garment  wear 
The  beauty  of  the  morning ;  silent,  bare, 
Ships,  towers,  domes,  theatres,  and  temples  lie 
Open  unto  the  fields  and  to  the  sky, 
All  bright  and  glittering  in  the  smokeless  air. 

Cab  crossing  bridge.  After  all,  a  little 
late,  better  drive.  Walk  another  time. 
Hailed  cab  ;  man  pulled  up. 

"  'Ouse  still  a  sittin'  ?  "  said  cabby,  with 
gesture  of  elbow  towards  terrace,  where 
small  groups  of  Members  strolled  to  and 
fro  sucking  eggs. 

"Yes,"  said  M.P.,  pleased  at  this  in- 
terest shown  in  proceedings.  "We've 
had  rather  a  hard  night  of  it." 

"  D'ye    mean   to   sy,"    persisted   cabby, 

that  instead  of  going  to   yer  beds  like 


sensible  men  ye've  been  a  sittin'  up  all 
night  argyfying  ?  " 

*'  That 's  about  it,"  said  M.P.,  smiling. 

Without  another  word  cabby  jumped 
down  from  his  perch,  made  for  balustrade 
of  bridge,  and  before  M.P.  quite  knew 
where  he  was  he  found  himself  holding  on 
to  cabby's  left  leg,  the  other,  and  part  of 
cabby's  body,  being  flung  on  opposite  side, 
plainly  with  suicidal  intent. 

"  Most  extraordinary  sensitiveness  on 
part  of  cabman,"  M.P.  said  to  SARK. 
"Nothing  to  him  personally,  of  course: 
but  mere  idea  of  670  more  or  less  picked 
men  deliberately  sitting  up  all  night  to 
make  laws  for  him,  his  family,  and  his 
chums,  suddenly  striking  him,  temporarily 
upset  his  brain,  and  he  became  possessed 
by  irresistible  longing  for  oblivion.  Touch- 
ing incident ;  same  time,  wish  it  had  been 
you  or  some  other  Member  that  happened 
to  cross  bridge  at  moment  and  want  a  cab. 
You  've  no  idea  how  exhausting  it  is,  early 
in  the  morning,  having  had  only  two  eggs 
since  midnight,  to  hold  on  by  one  leg  of  a 
cabman  till  a  policeman  saunters  up. 
Moreover  than  which,  when  the  police- 
man did  come,  instead  of  going  home  I 
had  to  accompany  my  friend  to  police- 
station,  and  was  there  bound  over  to  re- 
turn at  ten  o'clock  and  give  evidence  in 
case.  Hardly  in  bed  when  I  had  to  turn 
out  and  make  my  way  to  police-court. 
All-night  sittings  very  well ;  but  if  PRINCE 


"  The  Member  for  Sark." 

ARTHUR  wants  another,  I  hope  he  '11  patrol 
Westminster  Bridge  himself." 

Business  done. — After  all-night  squabble 
Board  of  Conciliation  Bill  appropriately 
taken  in  hand ;  read  second  time. 

Thursday. — "  It  would  be  an  odd  thing," 
mused  CAWMELL-BANNERMAN,  "  if,  after 
dropping  Education  Bill,  and  carrying 
Rating  Bill  through  two  all-night  sittings, 
the  strongest  Ministry  of  modern  times 
should  accidentally  slip  on  blotch  of 
cocoa-butter,  and  break  their  blessed  neck. 
A  year  and  a  week  ago  this  very  day 


cordite  looked  as  innocent  as  a  quarter 
of  a  pound  of  cocoa-butter.  But  see  what 
came  of  it. 

Situation  certainly  not  without  danger. 
This  not  the  less  effective  because,  as  a 
once  popular  domestic  commentator  used 
to  say,  it  is  "  Wropped  in  mistery." 
House,  which  thought  it  had  done  with 
Committee  on  Budget  Bill,  found  itself 
once  more  considering  Ways  and  Means. 
CHANCELLOR  OF  EXCHEQUER  assumed  off- 
hand manner  which  did  not  deceive  Ew- 
BANKE  KEARLET.  "A  mere  nothing," 
said  ST.  MICHAEL.  Been  overlooked  by 
predecessors  at  Treasury ;  but  his  eagle 
eye,  surveying  scene,  perceived  that  cocoa 
butter  was  sliding  in  without  paying  duty. 
Simply  proposed  to  clap  on  tax. 

House  puzzled.  Margarine  it  knows, 
and  has  heard  of  what  DAVID  JAMES  used 
to  ca-11  "a  pat  of  Dossit."  But  what  this 
new  butter  might  be,  and  how  it  should 
disturb  the  whole  Budget  arrangements 
was  beyond  comprehension.  KEARLET 
seemed  to  know  all  about  it,  but  his  por- 
tentous references  only  deepened  the 
mystery,  added  to  the  perturbation, 
LOUGH  also  knew ;  severely  cross-exa- 
mined CHANCELLOR  OF  EXCHEQUER  as 
to  how  many  pounds  of  butter  were  yielded 
per  hundredweight  of  cocoa.  ST.  MI- 
CHAEL'S painfully  halting  answers  did  not 
reassure  Committee.  In  end  resolution 
agreed  to  only  upon  understanding  that 
matter  should  come  up  again  a  week 
hence.  Meanwhile,  distinctly  uneasy  feel- 
ing engendered.  Possibly  only  reflex  of 
earlier  excitement  round  Education  Bill 
and  Rating  Bill.  But  there  it  is. 

Business  done. — Quite  a  lot. 

Friday. — WILFRID  LAWSON  wants  to 
know  under  what  authority  drinks  are  sold 
within  precincts  Houses  of  Parliament? 
AKERS-DOUGLAS  can't  tell  him.  Has  only 
to  do  with  the  fabric ;  nothing  with  any 
mixtures  that  may  be  compounded  inside. 
WILFRID  LAWSON  not  to  be  put  off  that 
way.  Means  to  prosecute  some  one. 
Thinks  now  CHAPLIN  has  got  Rating  Bill 
off  his  hands,  he  would  be  the  man. 

SARK  says  all  very  well  LAWSON  talking 
like  that.  But  are  his  own  hands  quite 
clean  ?  Is  it  true  that  in  neighbourhood 
of  Epping  Forest  there  is  a  public-house 
called  the  Wilfrid  Lawson  Arms?  Is  the 
hon.  baronet  aware  of  this  ?  Was  it  done 
with  his  knowledge  ?  has  it  his  approval  ? 
SARK  will  put  down  these  questions  for  an 
early  day. 

Business  done.  —  Foreign  Office  vote 
taken. 


The  Short-Story  Boom  Summarised. 

I  'LL  tell  you  a  story  all  gloomy  and  gory, 

And  now  my  story 's  begun  ; 
I  '11  tell  you  another  all  sexual  pother, 

And  now  my  story 's  done. 
(Mem. : — All  must  be  scrappy,  with  end- 
ings unhappy. 

And  void  both  of  Beauty  and  Fun  1) 


Punch  to  the  American  Pilgrims. 

GOOD  luck  to  the  new  Pilgrim's  Progress  I 
Hate  is  a  monster,  Strife  an  ogress. 
The   Mayflower's  gone,    but,    with  good- 
will, 
Our  mutual  love  may  flouvr  still. 


A  DISTINGUISHED  ORIENTAL  VISITOR. 
WITH  AN  UNPROPITIOUS  NAME. — Li  HUNG 
CHANG.  Absit  on\en. 


JULY  18,  1896.J 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


25 


REMARKABLE  ILLUSTRATION  OF  THE  SPREAD 
OF  CIVILISATION  IN  AFRICA. 


SCARCELY  FIGURES  OP  FUN. 

DEAR  ME.  PUNCH, — Everybody  has  a  serious  side  to  his  cha- 
racter, and  I  take  it  that  your  character  (a  most  excellent  speci- 
men of  the  article)  is  not  the  one  that  proves  the  exception  to 
the  rule.  And  this  being  so,  I  appeal  to  that  side  on  a  matter 
of  the  greatest  moment  to  myself  and  thousands  of  equally  un- 
fortunate ratepayers. 

Most  kind  Sir,  I  live  in  a  parish  named  after  the  patron  saint 
of  my  native  land,  with  the  addition  of  a  well-deserved  com- 
pliment to  the  integrity  (id  est,  the  squareness)  of  the  House 
of  Hanover.  It  is  not  because  my  dwelling  is  situated  in  this 
"  most  desirable  neighbourhood  "  (as  the  estate  agents  describe 
it)  that  I  select  it  for  notice,  but  because  it  is  a  fair  sample  of 
many  other  localities  equally  favourable  for  letting  purposes, 
inclusive  of  that  purpose  which  lets  gold  and  silver  out  of  the 
pockets  of  the  habitual  residents.  Once  a  year  my  Vestry  send 
me  what  they  call  "  an  important  notice  card."  My  Vestry,  no 
doubt  firmly  believing  in  my  simplicity,  give  me  not  only  the 
dates  when  I  must  pay  my  quarterly  rates,  but  casually  inform 
me  that  if  I  like  I  can  pay  the  four  quarters'  rates  in,  advance. 
Having  thus  testified  to  a  belief  in  my  child-like  innocence, 
my  Vestry  take  me  into  their  confidence.  My  Vestry  tell  me 
that  they  have  estimated  that  the  ratepayers  will  have  during 
the  year  1896—97  to  produce  £493,639  9s.  10<i. 

On   learning   this,    I    naturally   accept,    with   cordiality,    the 

.  10d.,  but  kick  at  the  odd,  very  odd  balance  of  £493,639; 
and,  knowing  that  I  will  kick  at  it,  my  Vestry  proceed  to  inform 
me  that  "  they  have  estimated  that  they  will  be  called  upon  to 
pay  £397,658  4s.  Id.  towards  expenditure  over  which  they  have 
no  control."  Again,  I  make  no  fuss  about  the  "four  and  a 
penny,"  reserving  my  resentment  for  "  the  more  than  a  third  of 
a  million."  By  an  act  of  arithmetic  (showing  what  rapid  strides 
the  School  Board  have  been  making)  my  Vestry  come  to  the 
conclusion  that  there  will  be  a  balance  under  their  control  of 
£94,958  5s.  9cL,  which  will  go  to  pay  "the  deficiency  of  last 
year,"  and  "  Paving,  lighting,  cleansing,  watering,  and  mainten- 
ance of  roads,  for  local  sewerage,  sanitary  expenses,  &c."  No 
doubt  the  "5s.  i)d."  will  be  exhausted  by  the  "&c." 

Having  given  a  general  idea  of  the  situation,  my  Vestry  are 
good  enough  to  enter  into  particulars.  They  tell  me  that  I 
must  pay  3s.  7d.  in  the  £  for  a  Poor  Rate,  which  covers  all  sorts 

VOL.    CXI.  ] 


of  strange  items,  including  "police,  and  county  rates,  and 
charges  under  London  Equilisation  of  Rates  Act,"  and  la.  lOd. 
for  a  General  Rate.  This  latter  takes  9fd.  in  the  pound  for 
"General  Vestry  Purposes,"  and  over  a  shilling  for  "School 
Board  Charges."  Then,  to  make  up  my  pleasant  little  "5s.  6d. 
in  the  pound,"  a  penny  is  thrown  in  to  defray  the  cost  of  the 
Local  Sewers'  Rate.  I  don't  mind  the  penny  so  much.  II 
would  have  been  even  welcome  if  it  had  come  without  its  irri- 
tating five  and  fivepence.  But,  alas!  it  doesn't  1 

But  my  Vestry  are  sympathetic.  They  say  "that  they  much 
regret  the  serious  increase  of  threepence  in  the  £  in  the  amount 
of  rates  for  the  year."  They  explain  that  it  is  owing  "  to  the 
requirements  of  the  L.  C.  C.  and  the  School  Board,"  which 
they  pathetically  add  "were  largely  in  excess  of  the  amounts 
estimated."  Then,  as  a  sop  to  public  opinion,  they  sternly  in- 
sist that  "  under  no  circumstances  whatever  are  the  men  of  the 
Metropolitan  Fire  Brigade  allowed  to  collect  money."  They 
show  by  this  fierce  announcement  that  although  they  have  no 
control  over  the  L.  C.  C.  and  the  S.  C.,  they  can  at  least  "  larn  " 
certain  individuals  what  it  is  to  be  "men  of  the  Metropolitan 
Fire  Brigade." 

And  with  this  declaration  of  their  rather  imperfect  independ- 
ence, they  bring  their  "  important  notice  card  "  to  what,  under 
all  the  circumstances  of  the  case,  may  be  kindly  called  a  spirited 
conclusion. 

Now,  my  dear  Mr.  Punch,  I  do  not  believe  that  my  worth  is 
placed  at  too  high  a  value  by  any  one,  but,  for  all  that,  I  sign 
myself,  with  confidence,  AN  OVER-RATED  MAN. 

Address — after  Quarter  Day — the  Workhouse. 

SPELL  AS  YOU  PLEASE. 

(By  Our  Cockney  Correspondent.) 

["  Poor  spellers  will  be  rejoiced  to  know  that  an  eminent  British  philologist, 
Professor  EARLE,  believes  that  the  rules  of  spelling  are  a  great  and  useless 
mental  tyranny,  and  holds  that  literature  and  true  education  would  be  ad- 
vanced by  allowing  every  person  to  spell  as  he  liked." — Evening  News.~\ 

WELL,  it 's  bin  a  long  time  coming,  but  I  knowed  'twould  come 

at  larst. 
The  larst  bonds  from  the  free  neckses  of  the  Britons  'as  bin 

carst. 

Britons  never,  never,  never  shall  be  slaves—to  spellin' — more ! 
As  hemancerpation  's  welcome,  though  it  might  ha'  come  afore. 
"  Great  and   useless  mental    tyranny ! "     Perfessor   EARLE,    old 

chum, 

You  may  be  a  filolergist ;  at  least,  you  're  not  a  hum. 
Rules  o'  spellin'  is  all  rubbish,  as  all  clever  writers  know. 
Jest  you  twig  a  page  o'  CHAWSIR, — wich  'e  scribbled  long  ago, — 
Or  a  pome  of  EDMTJND  SPENSER,   and  you'll  find  that  neither 

chap 
For  wot  Skool  Boards  call  good  spellin'  cares  a  blessed  single 

rap. 
Wy  should  we,  then?    EARLE  'as  'it  it,  yus,  in  once,  and  no 

misty  ke. 

Let  us  all  spell  as  we  like,  and  let  the  heasiest  cop  the  kyke ! 
Them  "  Three  R.'s"  'as  ruled  us  long  enuff  an'  oughter  'ave  the 

chuck, 
Fussing  erbout  vees,   aitches,    and    sech    fair    tongue  -  tanglin' 

muck. 
"Wot 's  the  hodds  'ow  words  is  spelt  so  as  you  spell  'em  as  you 

choose, 

Whether  like  CHAWSIR,  SPENSER,  WIKLIFFE,  the  Fonetik  Nuz, 
)r  a  bloomin'  Board  Skool  bounder  wiv  'is  harbitrary  code  ? 
[  say  jest  "  Go  as  you  pleese,  boys,"  and  the  spellin'  book  be 

blowed ! 

There  is  lots  of  college  toppers,  and  fine  lydies,  I  'ave  'eard, 
As  know  Latin,  Greek,   and  Frongsay,  yet  carnt  spell.     Now, 

that 's  absurd ! 

i\~ot  the  dickens  do  it  matter,  if  you  know  yer  wy  erbout, 
Whether  you  spell  hambition  with  an  haspirate  or  without? 
Wy,  even  good  hold  SHYKESPERE  would  ha'  funked  these  Skool 

Bored  days, 

3eein'  'e  spelt  'is  grand  old  nyme  a  duzzen  diffrent  ways, 
fab.!     If  you're  nuts  on  libberty  and  littery  ease, 
Cry,  "  Bully  for  Perfessor  EARLE  and  spellin'  as  yer  pleese !  " 


Exam.    Question  for  Tourists'  Guide  Paper. 

MENTION  distinction  between  an  incendiary  who  sets  light  to  a 
armer's  hay-stack  and  a  passenger  by  the  L.  C.  &  D.  line  to  a 
well-known  sea-side  resort?  Solution. — The  one  goes  to  burn 
lay,  and  the  other  goes  to  Herne  Bay. 


26 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


"SPEED    THE    PARTING    GUEST!" 

J.  Bull,  Hon.  Artillery  Company  of  London  (to  Brother  Gunner  of  the  Ancient  and  Hon.  Artillery  Company  of  Boston).   '  Au  REVOIR! 

I  HOPE  YOU  'VE  HAD  A  GOOD  TIME  IN  THE  OLD  COUNTRY  !  " 


JULY  18,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


27 


THE  NEW  CRICKET. 

["The  first  and  only  principle  of  the  game  is 
that  the  players  should  do  their  best  to  win  it, 
subject  to  a  strict  adherence  to  the  letter,  and,  if 
you  will,  to  the  spirit  of  the  rules." — Lord  Cob- 
ham  on  Cricket.} 

'Twixi  letter  and  spirit  there  ever  was 

strife; 
The  latter,  we  know,  is  the  thing  that 

"  gives  life  "  ; 

It  certainly  would  do  to  cricket, 
If,  "stooping  to  conquer,"  the  man  with 

a  hat 
Might  stand  on  his  head,  stop   the  ball 

with  his  hat, 
Or  purposely  fall  on  his  wicket. 

And  as  for  the  man  with  the  hall,  why,  of 

course, 
The  new  argument   there  has  equivalent 

force. 

A  trundler  judiciously  bowling 
To  give  away  runs,  might  send  *  no  balls," 

and  "wides," 
Until    "Mr.    Extras"    outnumbered    both 

sides. 
Then  the  game — a*  a  farce — would  be 

howling  1 

Why   not  play  in   motley,   with   comical 
masks? 

Indeed,    "The    New    Cricket"  most  cer- 
tainly asks 
Command,  not  of  bowling,  but  features. 

A  good  corner-man,  with  his  face  painted 
black, 

(To  hide  awkward  blushes)  would  beat  the 

old  "  crack." 

"C.   C. "  would  mean  "Comical  Crea- 
tures 1 " 

Mere  "  playing  the  game  "  is  confoundedly 

slow, 
But  playing  the  fool  is  so  fetching,  you 

know  I 

And  cricketing  ought  to  mean  clowning. 
Just  look  at  "  the  ring "  when  a  match  is 

run  close ! 
How  every  mouth  clenches,  how  every  eye 

glows, 
How  brows  are  all  knit  as  in  frowning  1 

All   silent,  all   eager,   all   watching   "the 

play  " 
As  though  'twere  a  tragedy  1    Does  that 

sound  gay? 

It  might  suit  top-hatted  old  "  stodges," 
The  MYNNS  and  the  BELDHAMS,  the  NY- 
ZENS  and  CLARK  EH. 
What  "modernity"  wants  now  in  cricket 

is — larks. 
And  Jeremy  Diddler-like  dodge*. 

And  who  but  serene  university  swells 

Should  set  the  example  ?  What  matter  the 

yells 

Of  the  multitude — who  may  have  wa- 
gers? 

No ;  let  the  "  New  Gentlemen  "  shape  the 
"New  Cricket  " 

And  we  shall  have  fun  and  low  farce  at 

the  wicket; 

That    well    might    astound    mere    Old 
Stagers  I 


ENFIN  I  —  The  Deceased  Wife's  Sister 
Marriage  Bill  passed  third  reading  in  the 
Lords  (and  Ladies)  by  a  majority  of 
thirty-eight  last  Friday.  Bravo  I  This  is 
another  feather  in  the  plumage  of  that 
Early  Bird,  the  Not-to-be-Dun-raven,  who 
issues  forth  triumphantly  with  his  bill  in 
his  beak. 


"SPARE  A  COPPER,  LIDY?"        "VERY  SORRY,  BUT  HAVE  ONLY  SILVER  IN  MY  PURSE. 
"ALL  RIGHT,  LIDY.     I  CAN  GIVE  YOU  CHANGE!" 


VICE  VERSA. 

OUB  strongest  of  Governments  seems  to  be 

doomed 

To  one  of  the  saddest  of  fates. 
The  weight  of  their  Measures  was  vaunt- 

ingly  boomed, 
But  now  'tis  all  Measures  and — Waits! 


A  SHRIEK  FROM  THE   SH1EES. 

DEAR  MB.  PUNCH, — Do  you  know  what 
we  unhappy  country  people  are  now  threat- 
ened with?  The  plague  has  begun  down 
here  near  Bristol,  in  Gloucestershire  and 
Somerset,  and  will  soon,  unless  checked, 
spread  everywhere.  It  is  nothing  less 
than  the  abolition  of  rural  rambles!  For 
who  would  care  for  a  walk  through  fields  if 
he  might  not  pick  a  primrose,  or  a  black- 
berry, or  a  cob-nut r  Trespassers  are  to 
ba  taken  in  hand  by  a  brand-new  co-op- 
erative agency,  which  removes  all  trouble 
in  the  matter  from  the  farmer's  shoulders, 
and  places  threatening  notices,  all  worded 


the  same,  in  every  field.  The  old  moss- 
grown  board  about  "trespassers  will  be 
prosecuted,"  which  nobody  regarded  as 
serious,  will  be  changed  into  a  real  rural 
Board  of  Works  1  And  half  our  rustic 
pleasures  will  go  by  that  board. 

Whene'er  we  hunt  the  hazel-nut, 
Or  drag  the  brambles  down 

With  blackberries  ourselves  to  glut, 
The  fine  is  half-a-crown, 

— or  very  likely  twenty  shillings  and  costs  1 
The  youth  who  breaks  hedges  shall  himself 
be  broken.  Much  as  we  all  sympathise 
with  agriculture,  this  surely  is  not  the  way 
to  cure  agricultural  depression — it  only 
adds  to  ours.  The  real  defect  from  which 
farmers  suffer  is — too  much  (country)  side  1 
Please  order  these  new  boards  to  be  taken 
down.  Yours  appealingly, 

INNOCUOUS  STROLLER. 


THE  MOST  POPULAR  ASSOCIATION  AT 
STOOKBRIDGE.  —  The  Buy  -  (straw)  -  berry 
Club,  members  unlimited. 


28 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


[JULY  18,  1896. 


JOTTINGS    AND    TITTLINGS. 

(BY  BABOO  HUKRY  BUNGSHO  JABBERJEE,  B.A.) 

No.  XVII. 

Containing  some  intimate  confidences  from  Mr.  Jabberjee,  with  the  explana- 
tion of  such  apparent  indiscretion.     Also  some  notes  on  the  Academy. 
REFORM  proceeding  to  set  down  sundry  critical  jots  and  tittles 
upon  the  Royal  Academical  Picture  Exhibition  of  current  season, 
I  am  about  to  whisper  confidentially  in  the  gentle  ears  of  the 
sympathetic  reader  certain  particulars  relating  to  this  humble 
ego  of  mine. 

Since  writing  my  latest  contribution  I  have  folded  up  my  tent 


"  Unaccustomed  to  dark-complexioned  gentlemen." 

like  an  Arab,  and  silently  moved  away  from  Porticobello  House, 
this  independent  hook  being  taken  under  the  ostensible  and  col- 
ourable pretext  of  a  medical  opinion  that  the  climate  of  Bays- 
water  was  operating  injuriously  upon  my  internal  arrangements, 
but  the  real  causa  causans  and  dessous  des  cartes  being  a  grow- 
ing disinclination  for  the  society  of  select  male  and  female 
boarders. 

Miss  JESSIMINA  was  naturally  bathed  in  tears  at  the  announce- 
ment of  my  approaching  departure,  although  I  fondly  sought  to 
console  her  by  assurances  that  my  residence  in  Highbury,  Is- 
lington, though  beyond  the  radius  and  of  inaccessible  remote- 
ness from  Ladbroke  Grove,  should  not  obliterate  her  brilliant 
image  from  the  cracked  looking-glass  of  my  heart,  and  that  I 
would  write  to  her  with  weekly  regularity,  and  revisit  the 
glimpses  of  her  moony  presence  at  the  first  convenient  oppor- 
tunity. 

1^  dp  correspond  with  effusiveness  and  punctuality  through  the 
obliging  medium  of  a  young  intimate  Indian  acquaintance  of 
mine,  who  does  actually  reside  at  Highbury,  and  has  kindly 
undertaken  to  forward  my  billets  doux. 

This  stratagem  is  necessitated  by  the  circumstance  that  (as  a 
matter  of  fact)  I  am  dwelling  under  a  rose  at  Hereford  Road, 
Westbourne  Grove,  which  is  in  convenient  proximity  to  Prince's 
Square  and  the  stately  home  of  the  ALLBUTT-!NNETT  family, 
with  whom  I  am  now  promoted  to  become  the  tame  cat. 

In  Hereford  Road  I  occupy  garishly  genteel  first-floor  front 


and  back  apartments  at  rupees  fifteen  per  week  and  the  Lady  of 
the  Land  has  entreated  me  to  kindly  excuse  the  waiting-maid 
for  jumping  with  diffidence  whenever  I  pop  upon  her  unpre- 
meditatedly  on  the  stairs,  being  a  nervous  girl  and  unaccus- 
tomed to  dark-complexioned  gentlemen — though,  her  own  coun- 
tenance, from  superabundance  of  blacking  and  smuts,  being  of 
a  far  superior  nigritude,  it  is  I  myself  who  should  be  more  justi- 
fied in  jumping. 

However,  she  is  already  becoming  the  habituee,  and  seldom 
drops  the  crockery-ware  now — except  when  I  simper  with  too 
beaming  a  condescension. 

Certain  of  my  readers  will  perhaps  hold  up  the  hands  of 
amazement  at  my  imprudence  in  disclosing  my  whereabouts,  and 
other  private  concerns,  in  the  publicity  of  a  popular  periodical 
— but  there  is  method  in  such  madness ;  they  do  not  take  in 
Punch  at  Porticobello  House,  considering  that  one  penny  (or 
even  the  moiety  of  that  sum)  is  more  correct  value  for 
funny  and  comical  illustrated  journalism,  while  the  ALLBUTT- 
INNETTS,  although  they  see  Punch  weekly  do  not  peruse  the 
literary  contents,  especially  in  the  season,  when,  as  Mrs.  A.  I. 
frequently  remarks,  they  are  in  such  a  constant  whirl  of  social 
dissipation  that  they  have  absolutely  no  time  for  serious  reading. 

At  first  I  was  severely  mortified  that — so  far  as  my  acquaint- 
ances were  concerned — these  tittlings  and  jottings  should  be 
thus  written  with  water,  but  I  have  since  made  the  discovery 
that  my  cloud  of  disappointment  is  internally  lined  with  precious 
silver. 

Now  I  will  proceed  with  the  criticism  of  the  Royal  Academy, 
to  which  I  lately  escorted  Miss  WEE-WEB  and  her  elegant 
Mamma.  I  shall  not  deny  that  I  was  pleased  with  the  majority 
of  the  pictures,  which  are  of  a  magnificent  newness  and 
brilliancy,  and  in  frames  gilded  with  a  lavish  superbitude.  But, 
being  many  thousand  in  number,  it  is  obviously  beside  the 
question  that  I  am  to  mention  each  individually  in  praise  or 
blame,  and  I  can  only  single  out  a  few — rari  nantes  in  gurgite 
vasto — and  at  the  haaird  of  Hap. 

There  was  a  representation  of  the  "  Besieged  City  of  Mansoul," 
apparently  in  India,  and  bombarded  by  Hon'ble  BTTNYAN  in  the 
Holy  War,  according  to  the  index.  Not  being  desirous  of 
seeming  the  ignoramus  in  Miss  WEE-WEB'S  eyes,  I  averred  that 
I  knew  it  well,  and  it  was  captured  in  the  Indian  Mutiny,  where 
one  of  my  relations  had  highly  distinguished  himself  by  his 
official  fidelity  to  the  Government. 

In  No.  3  Gallery  there  was  a  picture  which  Mrs.  A.  I.  -aid  we 
must  not  forget  to  look  at,  being  one  of  the  pictures  of  the 
year,  and  purchased  by  a  request  from  the  Court  of  Chancery. 
It  was  entitled  " The  Man  with  the  Scythe"  though  by  far  the 
moat  conspicuous  characters  consisted  of  a  woman  and  a  small 
feminine  child  asleep  in  a  chair.  My  companions  agreed  that 
the  title  was  enigmatic,  but  Mrs.  A.  I.  observed  that  the  child 
was  of  a  delicate  appearance. 

Another  subject  was  called  "  The  Confession,"  and  presented 
an  individual  of  a  careworn  and  conscientious  type  cloaking  his 
eyes  with  his  fingers,  while  unfolding  the  harrowing  tale  of  his 
misdemeanours  to  a  very  beautiful  but  sickish  young  lady,  who 
was  listening  with  a  very  proper  expression  of  shocked  and  fas- 
cinated disapproval.  But,  with  all  humility,  I  would  suggest 
that  the  interest  of  the  picture  would  be  greatly  promoted  by 
the  Catalogue  containing  some  more  definite  details  of  the  sin 
which  formed  the  head  and  front  of  his  offending. 

In  No.  6  Gallery  was  a  very  fine  portrait  of  a  nun  in  the  act 
of  genuflection  under  a  tree,  with  a  good  and  bad  angel  in  the 
background.  Speaking  for  this  poor  self,  I  did  consider  the  bad 
angel  the  more  attractive  in  comeliness  of  the  couple,  though 
Miss  WEE-WEE  made  a  smiling  reproach  of  my  naughtiness  in 
expressing  such  a  preference. 

The  adjoining  gallery  contained  a  picture  which  Mrs.  A.  I. 
said  we  must  be  sure  to  remember  to  stop  at,  being  the  depict- 
ment  of  the  funeral  of  RICHARD  THE  THIRD.  However,  she  was 
of  the  opinion  that  for  so  lugubrious  a  subject  it  was  not  suffi- 
ciently sombre,  as  it  was  notorious  that  crimson  was  not  correct 
Court  mourning.  Regarding  Queen  ANNE,  I  suspect  that  she 
has  been  considerably  flattered  by  the  painter,  as  I  have  always 
understood  that  she  was  elderly  and  of  a  pursy  habit,  and  by  no 
means  as  pretty  as  paint.  But  the  painter  was  probably 
of  the  gallant  opinion  that  de  mortuis  nil  nisi  bonum. 

I  was  greatly  entertained  by  a  picture  called  "Alone,"  which 
showed  a  senile  gentleman  of  rather  greedy  disposition,  who 
had  stolen  slyly  back  with  some  dogs  at  the  conclusion  of  a  ban- 
quet for  the  purpose  of  finishing  up  the  leavings,  &c. 

Also  I  noticed  a  curious  painting  of  a  youthful  connubial 
couple,  who  had  been,  very  imprudently,  occupying  themselves 


JULY  18,  1896.] 


29 


in  blowing  large  bubbles  from  a  small  kind  of  open  boat  during 
a  tempest.  This  was  shortly  called  "  Whither?"  Now  Dayus 
sum,  non  CEdipus  (if  I  have  employed  this  particular  classical 
quotation  supra,  its  adaptability  and  universal  popularity  with 
scholars  must  excuse  me),  but  to  such  a  question — the  party 
being  totally  deficient  in  oars  and  sails,  and  the  vessel  being 
further  impeded  by  nude  characters  of  both  sexes  who  were  en- 
endeavouring  to  upset  it — the  answer  must  infallibly  be :  To 
DAVY  JONES'S  locker! 

Another  equally  fanciful  subject  was  the  delineation  of  a  mer- 
maid at  the  bottom  of  the  sea,  who  was  serving  several  fishes 
with  drink  out  of  a  shell.  Now  it  is  indubitably  the  case  that  a 
fish  is  used  as  a  synonym  for  a  thirsty — but  surely  it  is  opposed 
to  common  sense  to  suppose  that  creatures  who  are  naturally 
surrounded  by  unlimited  liquid  should  be  under  the  necessity  to 
sip  such  refreshment  from  a  shell ! 

As  Mrs.  AxLBUTT-lNNETT  remarked,  and  I  had  the  honour  to 
concur,  it  is  pitiable  that  artists  should  select  such  impossible 
subjects  as  the  two  above-mentioned,  and  should  take  so  little 
pains  to  observe  Nature  1 

But  in  one  particular  I  can  cordially  commend  the  conduct  of 
the  Academy  at  this  Exhibition — they  have  generously  with- 
drawn their  clause  insisting  upon  the  deposit  of  all  sticks,  um- 
brellas, et  hoc  genus  omne. 

This  is  Enlightenment  and  real  Artistic  Progress,  and  I  will 
venture  confidently  to  predict  that  it  will  increase  their  receipt 
of  custom. 


A  FLY  ON  THE  WHEEL. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Own  Interviewer.) 

"  AND  how  about  the  railway  race  to  John  o'  Groats  P  "  I  said, 
as  I  introduced  myself  to  the  cheery  skipper  of  the  Starboard 
route,  and  fell  unasked  into  his  favourite  arm-chair. 

"Race?"  he  answered,  "what  race?  Know  nothing  of  any 
race  on  our  line.  Tell  me  all  about  it." 

"  There  is  a  popular  impression,"  I  replied,  "  that  you  and  the 
Larboard  line  propose  to  resume  your  go-as-you-please  contest. 
That,  no  doubt,  is  false.  But  you  will  admit  that  last  season 
your  John  o'  Groats  Through  Scorcher  was  getting  a  little  pre- 
vious in  its  arrival." 

"A  faint  rumour  of  this  scandal  did  indeed  reach  me,"  he 
admitted.  "  But,  in  the  first  place,  it  is  not  true  that  we  ever 
raced ;  and,  in  the  second  place,  the  Larboard  began  it.  We 
aimed  simply  to  reach  the  irreducible  medium  of  friction,  and  to 
perfect  our  system  of  punctuation.  We  have  arranged  this 
year  to  have  only  one  full  stop,  and  that  at  the  end.  For  the 
rest,  there  will  be  but  two  commas  and  a  semicolon." 

"Race  or  no  race,"  I  said,  "may  I  ask  whether  you  are 
conscious  of  an  irresistible  public  feeling  in  favour  of  being 
turned  out  on  a  hard  Gaelic  platform  three-and-a-half  hours 
before  breakfast-time  ?  " 

"You^would  never  believe,"  he  replied,  "how  strong  a  sport- 
ing instinct  lies  latent  in  the  breast  of  the  British  passenger. 
Among  busy  men  who  cannot  get  away  from  town  for  more  than 
one  consecutive  day,  there  is  a  growing  demand  for  an  hour  or 
two  with  the  grouse  at  John  o'  Groats.  It  is  for  these  that  we 
hope  to  cater.  In  the  old  system,  the  morning  up-train  was 
timed  to  leave  the  north  long  before  the  arrival  of  the  down. 
By  a  careful  economy  of  time,  and  a  more  free  use  of  the  finer 
varieties  of  train-oil,  we  expect  to  obtain  so  handsome  a  margin 
on  the  right  side,  that  a  keen  sportsman,  leaving  London  the 
night  before,  may  walk  over  a  moderately-sized  moor  on  the  ex- 
treme confines  of  the  Highlands,  bag  a  brace  or  so  before  the 
birds  are  really  awake,  and  get  back  to  town  in  time  to  eat  them 
at  dinner  in  the  very  bosom  of  his  family.  And  all  within 
twenty-four  hours." 

"  But  your  locomotives,"  I  interrupted,  "  will  they  not  suffer 
from  what  I  may  perhaps  call  the  prolonged  strain  of  this  Sturm 
und  Drang  ?  " 

"  On  the  contrary,"  he  answered ;  "  we  shall  have  fresh  relays 
posted  along  the  route.  The  same  machinery — a  sort  of  glori- 
fied mail-catcher — that  picks  the  old  engine  off  the  line  will  drop 
a  brand  new  one  in  its  place.  We  hope,  also,  to  obviate  the 
difficulty  of  refreshments  in  the  following  way.  By  an  ingeni- 
ous arrangement  of  troughs  (the  Larboard,  I  may  say,  will  have 
nothing  like  it)  our  passengers  will  be  enabled  to  lap  up  buns 
and  things  while  the  train  still  urges  on  its  unbridled  career.  A 
member  of  our  personnel  will  be  present  to  check  off  the  amount 
consumed. 

"Then,  again,  we  have  the  advantage  in  point  of  gradients. 


>/  Country  \Barber  'affably,  to  total  stranger).  "VERY  TRYIN'  WEATHER 
THIS  SIR.  *'  MAKES  YOU  FEEL  AS  IF  YOU  'D  LIKE  YOUR  BODY  IN  A 
POND,  AN'  YOUR  'BAD  IN  A  PUBLIC-'OUSE  ! " 


None  of  purs  so  much  as  approach  the  perpendicular.  I  may 
tell  you,  in  confidence,  that  a  rise  of  even  two  feet  in  three  is 
a  strain  upon  the  most  willing  of  locomotives,  even  when 
followed  only  by  a  second  locomotive,  two  tenders,  and  a  go- 
cart,  the  best  possible  combination  for  an  ideal  train." 

"  If,"  I  said,  "  you  will  pardon  a  suggestion  from  a  mere  lay- 
man, it  has  often  seemed  to  me  that  needless  friction  is  caused 
by  allowing  the  wheels  to  come  in  contact  with  the  metals. 
Would  it  not  be  feasible  to  ignore  the  rails  altogether,  or  only 
bring  the  train  to  ground  occasionally  for  the  purpose  of  correct- 
ing any  lateral  aberration  ?  " 

"  You  may  be  sure,"  he  affably  replied,  "  that  this  happy  idea 
of  yours  has  not  escaped  our  consideration.  By  another  season 
we  hope  to  have  made  experiments  in  that  direction  as  well  as 
in  the  use  of  pneumatic  tyres  for  minimising  the  shock  of  these 
intermittent  descents.  At  present  we  are  engaged  over  another 
problem,  namely,  the  best  method  of  dealing  with  the  signal- 
man of  the  Auld  Lichts  Junction,  where  the  Starboard  and 
Larboard  routes  converge.  It  will  be  within  your  memory, 
that  one  night  last  year  he  ran  us  heavily  into  a  siding  while 
he  put  the  others  through.  He  may  or  may  not  have  had  a 
trifle  on  the  result.  We  are  anxious,  however,  not  to  dispense 
altogether  with  signals,  as  they  give  employment  to  a  deserving 
class,  and  are  a  popular  source  of  confidence. 

"  But,"  he  added,  courteously,  "  you  must  be  greatly  pressed 
for  time  in  your  profession.  I  have  already  detained  you  too 
long.  Good  day." 

Not  quite,  but  Something  Like  it. 

Miss  Longtooth.  I'm  so  delighted,  dear,  that  the  American 
Artillerymen  have  come  over  to  England. 

Mrs.  Quiverly.  Why,  love? 

Miss  L.  (giggling).  Because  everyone  knows  that  the  Bostoni- 
ans  make  the  best  "  hubs  "  in  the  world. 


30 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  18,  1896. 


SPEECHES    TO    BE    LIVED    DOWN    (IMPOSSIBLE). 

Hostess  (bringing  up  the  rear  urith  the  Duke  of  WTwrtlebury).   ' '  IT  SEEMS  A  PITY  THAT  A  YOUNG 

MAN   LIKE  YOU  SHOULD  HAVE  TO   GO   DOWN  TO   DINNER  WITH  AN   OLD  WOMAN   LIKE  ME  !  " 

His  Grace.  "IT'S  ONE  OF  THE  PENALTIES  OF  HIGH  RANK,  YOU  KNOW!" 


HOLIDAY  THEORY    AND  PRACTICE. 

[Dr.  Louis  ROBINSON,  writing  on  "  The  Science 
of  Change  of  Air"  in  the  National  Jieview,  says 
that  the  reason  why  a  holiday  change  does  so  much 
good  is  because  man  is  naturally  a  nomad,  and  still 
keeps  up  the  wandering  instincts  of  his  hunting 
ancestors.] 

QUITE  agree  with  Dr.  ROBINSON.  In 
fact,  he  seems  to  have  taken  my  ideas — 
and  without  acknowledgment,  tool  Per- 
haps due  to  my  never  having  told  anybody 
about  them. 

Feel     very    nomadic    to-day.      Suggest 


Margate  to  family.  Family  also  nomadic, 
it  seems.  Only,  why  Margate  P  they  ask. 
Why  not  some  new  place — say  the  Black 
Forest  in  Germany.  Ah!  A  forest  1 
Primeval  instinct  cropping  up  again. 
Family  unconsciously  reproducing  passion 
of  arboreal  ancestors  tor  tree-climbing. 
Very  interesting.  Must  write  to  Dr. 
ROBINSON  about  it.  Striking  confirma- 
tion of  his  theory— or  my  theory,  rather. 
Black  Forest  abandoned  —  too  dear. 
Then  whither?  Everybody  suggests  a 
different  place.  Excellent  1  What  could 
be  more  nomadic  than  thatP  Family, 


however,  must  depart  from  primitive  pre- 
cedent and  all  go  away  together.  I  fear. 
Expensive  to  divide  forces.  Jolly  for 
nomad  ancestors  not  to  have  to  think  of 
expense.  Wonder  if,  when  they  changed 
woods,  they  paid  nuts  to  a  new  monkey- 
landlord?  Must  ask  Dr.  ROBINSON  what 
he  thinks  about  it.  But  isn't  what  I  think 
equally  important?  Certainly. 

Thought  it  would  be  Margate,  after  all  I 
Old  hunting  instincts  come  out  wonder- 
fully during  search  for  lodgings.  Charges 
high — perhaps  due  to  elevation  at  which 
lodging  -  house  -  keepers'  ancestors  li ved . 
Our  landlady  delightfully  primitive  and 
nomadic — shown  by  her  instinct  for  appro- 
priating bits  of  our  joints.  Evidently  her 
ancestors  had  flocks  and  herds  of  their 
own.  Now  she  lives  on  other  people's 
flocks  and  herds.  Must  mention  her  case 
to  Dr  ROBINSON — if  I  write  to  him. 

Fancy  I  am  more  nomadic  than  rest  of 
my  family.  Feel  a  craving  for  Boulogne  ; 
and  why  not  Paris  ?  Off  by  La  Marguerite. 
Didn't  know  how  strong  instinct  was 
before.  Jolly  casino  at  Boulogne — "  petits 
chevaux,"  too  1  Must  have  had  very  sport- 
ing ancestors  1  Probably  they  gambled 

for  nuts  on  tree-tops,  because there 

goes  my  last  five-franc  piece  1 

Up  a  tree — more  nomadic  than  everl 
Hang  Dr.  ROBINSON.  Why  does  he  start 
these  absurd  theories?  Pawn  watch,  and 
so  back.  What  an  ape  I  have  made  of 
myself  I 

SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

A  Jilted  Etonian  becomes  amorous  once  more  at 
the  Eton  and  Harrow  Cricket  Match. 

A  VERY  long,  long  time  ago — 
How  long  it  is  I  scarcely  know — 

I  met  you  on  a  coach  at  Lord's. 
You  told  me  that  you'd  never  seen 
A  sight  so  splendid,  as  this  green 

Surrounded  by  such  joyous  hordes 
Of  fashionable  folk.     And  you 
Were  fairest  blossom — true  light  blue — 
"  Forget-me-not ! "  was  your  adieu ! 

The  years  rolled  on,  our  ways  apart. 
I  kept  the  farewell  of  your  heart 

Among  the  things  to  be  redeemed. 
Again  we  met,  no  longer  boy, 
I  saw  you  Fashion's  latest  toy, 

And  not  the  girl  of  whom  I  dreamed. 
But  still  you  wore  dear  Eton  blue, 
Though  in  the  scene  no  longer  new. 
Forgotten  was  your  first  adieu. 
And  now  to-day  by  that  same  flag 
I  see  you  on  the  self  same  drag — 

Not  younger  than  you  were  before. 
But  always,  as  you  were  to  me 
In  that  first  year — 'twas  something-three — 
Why  fix  a  date,  for  you  and  me, 

When  Time  is  running  up  our  score  ? 
Life's  chances  may  be  very  few, 
Then  why  not  that  sweet  vow  renew  ? 
You  are  forgiven — but  what 's  that  blue  ? 
Harrovian!     Perjured  maid!    Adieu! 


WEATHER  STATEMENT.  —  The  heat  has 
been  so  great  that  we  are  informed  (on  ex- 
cellent authority)  that  the  'bus-drivers  all 
over  London  have  been  enabled  to  light 
their  pipes  on  their  own  boxes. 


A   SLEDMERE  SONNET. 

MATRIMONIAL  cares  oft  are  wove  in  a  mesh, 
Sir  TATTON  with   Wedlock  is  shot  by  La 
Fleche.      

A  WORD  TO  THE  Y.'s  AT  HENLEY.— Try 
again  ;  you  will  be  Yale-fellow,  well  met ! 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— JULY  18,  1896. 


JOHNNY   GILPIN! 


(MARKIS  OF  S-L-SB-RY 

THE  HOUSE  WHO  NEVER  IN  THAT  SORT 
HAD  HANDLED  BEEN  BEFORE, 


.         .         .     John  Gilpin.) 

WHAT  THING  UPON  HIS  BACK  HE'D  GOT 
DID  WONDER  MORE  AND  MORE." 


JULY  18,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


33 


A  SPARE  MOMENT  IN  THE  [NATIONAL  PORTRAIT  GALLERY. 

Right  Hon.    J-s-ph   Ch-mb-rl-n.   "  YES  ;   NO   DOUBT   WE  AKB  VERY 

MUCH   ALIKE.       HE   WANTED   ONLY   THE   EYEGLASS  !  " 


HINTS  ANENT  THE  A.  H.  A.  C.  OF  BOSTON. 

(At  the  Service  of  those  wlw  take  down  Ladies  to  Dinner.') 

For  M aiden  just  out. — Yes,  sweetly  pretty  uniform.  Dark  blue 
tunic  with  light  blue  overalls.  Picturesque  kepi.  Perhaps  they 
are  a  little  elderly,  as  they  belong  to  the  Veteran  Company. 
Most  of  them  family  men.  Or  at  least,  have  cousins  and  aunts. 
Certainly  are  accompanied  by  their  women  folk.  Don't  know 
much  about  them  personally,  but  read  an  exhaustive  descrip- 
tion of  them  in  the  Daily  Telegraph. 

For  Maiden  very  much  out. — Most  interesting.  Recruited 
from  the  best  families  in  America.  No  doubt  plenty  of  million- 
aires amongst  them.  Fancy  some  of  them  went  over  to  the 
United  States  originally  in  the  Mayflower.  From  this  take  it 
that  they  will  be  glad  to  get  back  and  settle  at  home. 

For  Wife  of  a  Political  Economist. — Ought  to  do  a  great 
deal  of  good.  Create  friendly  feeling  between  the  two  branches 
of  the  English-speaking  race.  Most  satisfactory  that  the  ex- 
pense is  not  thrown  upon  the  rates.  Not  certain,  however, 
that  ratepayers  belonging  to  the  H.  A.  C.  of  London  will  agree 
with  me. 

For  Wife  of  a  Poet. — Charming  idea  altogether.  Certainly 
a  subject  for  LONGFELLOW,  or  the  only  Englishman  worthy  to 
wear  his  mantle.  Quite  a  pity  if  the  idea  is  anticipated  by  the 
Poet  Laureate.  Should  be  more  popular  than  Miles  Standish. 
Very  touching,  the  rapprochement  of  the  old  and  the  new. 
"  Rule,  Britannia,"  and  "  Hail,  Columbia"  ;  but  it  is  on  this  occa- 
sion that  Britannia  is  the  hailing  party.  Of  course  this  is  only 
the  rough  idea,  but  in  capable  hands  the  theme  might  be  worked 
up  into  something  tremendous. 

For  Widow  of  a  General  Officer. — Yes,  a  fine  body  of  men. 
But  discipline  apparently  slightly  slack.  The  idea  of  the  rank 
and  file  electing  their  officers,  preposterous.  Quite  true  the 
British  army  would  never  have  been  the  British  army  if  its 
generals  had  been  made  in  that  fashion.  Still,  the  force  must 
be  meritorious  because  HER  MAJESTY  received  them  at  Windsor. 

For  sensible  Lady  of  average  abilities. — Truth  to  say,  have 
never  seen  them.  Believe  they  are  quite  as  interesting  as  any 
other  body  of  citizens  of  the  United  States.  Seem  to  be  more 


or  less  a  club.  Well,  lots  of  good  clubs  everywhere.  Inclusive 
of  the  House  of  Commons.  Quite  as  good  a  subject  of  conversa- 
tion as  the  opera,  or  the  Royal  Academy,  or  Hurlingham,  or 
Henley,  or  Goodwood.  Perhaps  even  better,  for  during  the 
next  nine  days  (while  their  visit  remains  a  wonder)  the  topic 
will  be  fresher! 


THE  MEETING  OP  THE  (HAEEOGATE)  WATEES. 

A  Tribute  from  One  who  has  tried  them. 
AIR — MOORE'S  "  Meeting  of  the   Waters." 

THERE  is  not  in  old  England  a  high  land  so  sweet 

As  that  plain  where  the  Eighty  (or  more)  Waters  meet, 

Oh !  the  last  rays  of  feeling  and  life  must  depart, 

Ere  the  good  that  they  did  me  shall  fade  from  my  heart. 

I  went  there  a  wreck,  with  my  liver  all  wrong, 
And  I  left,  in  six  weeks,  feeling  jolly  and  strong ; 
And  whenever  I  'm  chippy  I  mean  to  go  back 
To  the  Old  Sulphur  Well  and  the  guidance  of  BLACK. 

Don't  tell  me  of  Homburg  and  Aix-la-Chapelle  1 
The  waters  of  Schwalbach  are  all  very  well ; 
But  on  good  It  •  irkshire  soil  I  salvation  have  found, 
And  Harrogalj  suits  me  right  down  to  the  ground. 

Oh  SLINGSBT  of  Knaresb'ro !  there 's  many  a  saint 
Whose  halo  seems  dim  and  whose  memory  grows  faint ; 
Who  to  canonisation  had  not  as  much  right 
As  you,  first  spring-finder,  and  "  eminent  knight." 

When  you  dropped — happy  hour ! — on  that  old  Tewit  Well — 
(Led,  no  doubt,  by  the  nose,  for  those  waters  will  smell) — 
That  chance  treasure-trove  did  more  good  to  the  race 
Than  the  quarry  of  which  you  were  doubtless  in  chase. 

Then  they  cleared  off  the  Hewra-gate  forest,  and  found 
That  Hygeia  in  Harrogate  dwelt — underground ; 
AnJ  there  the  dear  goddess  resides  to  this  day, 
Within  hail  of  the  Bog-Field,  and  sight  of  the  Stray. 

And  there  the  (medicinal)  waters  meet  still ; 
Coming  goodness  knows  whence,  threading  grit-moor  and  hill, 
And  bright  bubbling  up  through  the  grey  and  the  green 
In  founts  more  health-giving  than  old  Hippocrene. 

There  Sulphate,  and  Chloride,  and  Carbonate  come, 
With  Ferruginous  friend,  and  Chalybeate  chum, 
Whom  a  modern  and  myth-making  Muse  well  might  sing 
As  nymphs  of  the  fountain  and  sprites  of  the  spring. 

But  chemists  have  killed  all  our  poesy  out, 
And  Sodium  Sulphydrate  leaves  fancy  in  doubt. 
One  would  gladly  indulge  dithyrambical  games, 
Had  they  pleasanter  odours,  and  prettier  names. 

But  the  strong  sulphur  water  of  Harrogate — pheughl  1  1 
You  can't  call  it  sweet,  if  you  care  to  be  true. 
A  pint  before  breakfast,  all  hot  from  the  spring, 
Does  not,  at  the  moment,  tempt  poets  to  sing. 

Yet  Hylas — if  "  livery  " — surely  would  find 
These  nymphs,  if  less  sweet  and  seductive,  more  kind 
Than  those  of  Ionia,  who  stayed  the  boy's  breath ; 
For  Harrogate's  naiads  give  life  and  not  death. 

And  that 's  why  with  lyrical  fervour  I  greet 
lhat  sulphurous  spot  where  the  bright  waters  meet. 
And  why  at  the  "  Crown  "  in  the  Maytime  I  'd  dwell, 
Within  easy  reach  of  the  Old  Sulphur  Well. 

Yet  it  is  not  that  Nature  has  favoured  the  Stray, 
That  niggers  there  sing,  and  that  minstrels  there  play; 
'Tis  not  yon  soprano  so  strident  and  shrill, 
Oh  no — it  is  something  more  exquisite  still ! 

'Tis  that  ROOSE,  BLACK,  and  Sulphur,  a  trio  most  dear, 
Restored  me  to  health  when  I  felt  precious  queer. 
And  I  know  how  the  best  charms  of  Nature  seem  lost 
When  my  mirror  reflects  me  a  face  like  a  ghost. 

Sweet  region  of  Sulphur!     How  calmly  I  rest 

Since  I  drank  of  the  waters  which  meet  in  thy  breast. 

My  gratitude,  Harrogate,  never  shall  cease, 

Since  my  gout  seems  all  gone  and  my  liver 's  at  peace. 


34 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  18,  1896. 


HONEY-MOONINGS. 


Angelina.  "AND   HAVE  YOU  BEEN   THINKING  OF  ME  WHEN  YOU 

WERE  AWAY?" 

Edwin.   "YES,  DEAREST.     I  WAS  THINKING  ABOUT  YOU  so,  ABOUT 
Two  O'CLOCK  YESTERDAY  AFTERNOON  ! " 
Angelina.   "How  SWEET  OF   YOU,  DARLING!    Do  TELL  ME   HOW 

AND   WHAT   YOU   THOUGHT  !  " 

Edwin.  "WELL,  MY  OWN  ONE,  I  THOUGHT  HOW  FOND  YOU  WERE 
OF  LOBSTERS — AND — AND  /  HAD  ONE!" 


OPEEATIC  NOTES. 

Alda,  with  the  dotlets  on  her  one  "i,"  failed  to  draw  the 
people  away  from  such  outside  shows  as  Henley  (just  clearing 
off),  the  Indian  Exhibition,  ou  Von  dine,  the  Crystal  Palace  Gar- 
dens, the  terrace  of  the  Star  and  Garter,  Richmond,  and,  indeed, 
from  any  other  place  where  one  can  remain  out  of  doors  on  a 
tropical  summer  night  and  breathe  as  much  of  the  balmy  as  is  to 
be  obtained  by  Londoners  of  moderate  means  and  healthy  aspira- 
tions. VERDI'S  Egyptian  pickle  opera  appropriate  to  season,  but 
season  not  satisfactory  to  light  tenor,  very  light  tenor, 
LUOIGNANI  by  name,  who  came  out  as  Radames.  EDWARD  DE 
RESZKE  fine  as  Bamfis,  or  "  Rum  phiz,"  on  account  of  his  "  make- 
up." ANCONA  was  fiercely  barbaric  as  Amonasro,  and  Signer 
ARIMONDI,  in  English  'AHRY  MTJNDY,  a  good  king,  which  it 
is  ever  difficult  to  be.  Poor  MAGGIE  MACINTYRE,  as  A'ida,  con- 
scientiously made  up  to  represent  a  character  in  Egyptian 
pottery  of  the  period,  "looked  the  part,"  that  is,  if  A'ida  was 
intended  to  look  like  that :  but  the  part  itself  does  not  suit 
her.  Madame  MANTELLI  came  out  vocally  and  dramatically 
strong.  No  opera  perfect  without  Mile.  BAUERMEISTER,  and 
here  she  is  as  "  Una  Sacerdotessa,"  probably  the  happy  wife  of 
some  still  happier  Egyptian  curate.  Beaming  BEVIGNANI  never 
worked  harder  to  achieve  success,  and  succeeded.  On  Tuesday, 
July  14,  appear  again  JOHNNIE  and  NEDDY  DE  RESZKE.  Then 
they  're  off,  and  are  "  heard  no  more  "  (SHAKSPEARE)  this  season. 
Sic  transit.  

After  Henley- 

WELL  rowed  from  start  to  finish,  oh,  ye  gallant  youths  of  Yale ! 
With  such  brave  bid  for  victory  'tis  no  disgrace  to  fail. 
There  was  a  time  when  Britons  felt  hope  flopping  down  to  zero. 
If  the  winners  were  "  Leanders,"  sure  each  loser  was  a  "  Hero." 


Music  HATH  CHARMS. — Fancy  "  Twenty  Brass  Bands,"  all  in 
full  blow,  competing  for  a  prize  at  the  Agricultural  Hall.  This 
was  announced  for  last  Saturday,  and  the  struggle  for  life  con- 
tinues till  Tuesday,  July  21.  On  a  very  hot  day  get  a  ticket  for 
the  windy  side  of  London. 

WHEEL  AND  WOE. — A  Brooklyn  inventor  has  patented  a  cycle- 
hearse. 

A  PERSON  WHO  NEVER  EARNS  HIS  DAILY  BREAD. — The  Loafer. 


ITALIAN  POULTRY. — Some  of  the  tough  bipeds  imported  from 
King  HUMBERT'S  kingdom  to  this  country  are  believed  to  be 
the  results  of  the  lays  of  ancient  Rome. 


ONE  WHO  NATURALLY  OBJECTS  TO  FlRE   BRIGADES. — BuBNS,  M.P. 

CRY  OF  THE  TRAVELLING  SMOKER. — En  briar  root  I 


A  BIETHDAY  CAED. 

Punch  to  a  G.  E.  M.  of  purest  ray  serene. 
[Mr.  JOSEPH  CHAMBERLAIN  was  sixty  on  July  8.] 

THREE  score,  my  dear  JOSEPH  1    Dear  me, 

you  don't  say  I 

So  chirpy  you  look,  and  so  youthful  I 
Well,  here 's  "  Many  Happy  Returns  of  the 

Day." 

With  heartiness  earnest  and  truthful  1 
Three  score  I     Well,  you've  scored  all  the 

way,  my  dear  boy  ; 

Like  GRACE,  you're  a  stunner  at  scor- 
ing. 
A  long  not-out  innings  Punch  hopes  you  '11 

enjoy 

(Although    the    Boer   bowling    is — bor- 
ing). 
You're  growing  a  G.  0.  M.,  too,  bit  by 

bit. 

Time  brings  the  best  rider  a  cropper. 
May  yon  ne'er  by  your  brethren  be  left  in 

the  pit, 
And  never  play  "  JOB  in  the  Copper." 


We  won't  call  you  "  Old  JOE,"  you  don't 

look  the  part, 

Though  you  "kick  up  before  and  be- 
hind," too. 

You'll  yet,  I've  no  doubt,  play  with  ex- 
cellent art, 

Jeune  Premier — when  you  Ve  a  mind  to. 
Meanwhile,  oh,  you  Grandest  of  Elderly 

Men, 

You  honour  to  Britain  and  Brummagem, 
May  you  shine  as  clean-cut  up  to  eighty, 

and  then 

E'en  to  envious  foes,  you'll  become  a 
G.  E.  M.  I 


NOT  INDICTABLE  FOR  PERJURY. — A  visi- 
tor to  St.  James's  Hall  may  safely  swear 
that  White  is  black. 


TENNANTB  FOR  LIFE. — The  Member  for 
Berwickshire  and  the  Lady  Inspector  of 
Factories. 


LIGHT  LITERATURE. - 
by  night. 


-Books  read  in  bed 


OUR    NO-BALL    GAME! 

(Cons  for  Cambridge  Cricketers.) 
Question.  When  is  a  ball  not  a  ball  P 
Answer.  When  it  is  a  "  no  ball "  I 
Q.  What  is  the  narrowest  possible  win? 
A.  A  win  by  a  wilful  "  wide." 
Q.  What  is  the  difference  between  the 
letter  and  the  spirit  of  the  laws  of  sports- 
manlike cricket  ? 

A.  A  "  wide  "  difference  1 
Q.  What  American  novel  is  likely  to  be 
popular  with  Light  Blue  Cricketers  ? 
A.  "The  Wide,  Wide  Whirled!" 
Q.  What  is  the  Light  Blue  version  of 
the  celebrated  True  Blue  couplet  ? 

A.  "Let  good  old  cricket  laws  and  cus- 
toms die, 

But  leave  us  still  our  new  no-ball- 
ityl" 

HORTICULTURAL  INFORMATION. — The  an- 
tithesis to  the  fir-cone  is  the  pine-apple. 

THE  GOD  OF  EGYPTIAN   SPECULATORS. — 
Jupiter  Mammon. 


Jur,Y  18,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


35 


•Ai*ti'  . — 


A    NICE    POINT. 

The  Lady  Ermyntrude.   ' '  WELL,  /  CERTAINLY  DO  NOT  INTEND  TO  GO  ANOTHER  YARD  ! " 

The  Lady  Dorothea.   "AND  /CERTAINLY  INTEND  TO  GO  ON!" 

The  Ladies  E.  and  D.  (together).   "  WHICH  DO  YOU  INTEND  TO  DO,  MAJOR?" 

[The  Major  (an  accepted  authority  on  etiquette)  hasn't  the  faintest  idea. 


SHABBY  IN  OTJE  "BABBY." 

(The  Average  Briton  to  Mr.  Balfour.) 

OH  !  BALFOUR,  you  are  brave  and  smart 

(Though  self-du&bed  a  mere  babby)  ; 
But  meanness  grieves  the  Briton's  heart, 

And  gives  the  laugh  to  LABBT. 
There 's  scarce  a  Briton  in  the  land 

But  feels  your  reasoning  flabby. 
To  make  poor  India  pay  a  part 

Of  rich  BULL'S  debts  is — shabby ! 

Your  argument  seems  little  worth, 

'Twas  thus  we  lost  the  Yankee  I 
The  policy  of  the  chill  (Lord)  NORTH 

Won't  suit  our  East, — no,  thankee ! 
JOHN  BULL  has  blundered  in  his  time, 

Been  greedy,  grasping,  grabby ; 
But  blunder  bungles  into  crime 

When  'tis  unjust — and  shabby. 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  July  6. — 
Pretty  to  see  DON  JOSE  on  Treasury  Bench 
just  now  whilst  his  esteemed  colleague, 
GEORGTE  HAMILTON,  was  tracing  all  the 
sorrows  of  the  Soudan  back  to  action  of 
Cabinet  in  1880—85.  In  those  far-off 
days  our  Colonial  Secretary  was  a 
leading  spirit  in  the  Cabinet  of  Mr.  G. 
A  Government — so  G.  H.  described  it — 
responsible  for  the  necessity,  year  after 
year,  of  sending  large  expeditions  to  the 
Soudan,  leading  to  nothing  but  profitless 
bloodshed^  involving  heavy  burden  alike 
on  Egyptian  and  British  taxpayer.  For- 
tunately, at  this  moment,  DON  JOSE  was 
fast  asleep ;  rrms  folded  over  tranquil 


breast ;  faint  smile  hovering  over  gently 
closed  lips. 

"Hush!"  said  SARK,  when  I  nudged 
him,  pointing,  as  did  JOHN  MORLBY  a 
little  later  with  more  emphatic  gesture, 
to  propinquity  of  the  Ministers.  "You 
know  that  pretty  legend  which  explains 
the  cause  or  a  babe  sometimes  smiling  in 
its  sleep  ?  '  The  angels  are  talking  to  it ' 
they  say.  I  think  the  angels  are  talking 
to  DON  JOSE." 

Perhaps  they  were.  All  we  heard  was 
GEORGIE  HAMILTON  uplifting  his  voice  in 
denunciation  of  the  Cabinet  of  1880 — 85. 
And  that,  SABK  admits,  is  quite  another 
thing. 

JOHN  MORLET,  when  he  spoke,  fitted  the 
cap  on  heads  of  DON  JOSE  and  the 
statesman  who  at  the  time  alluded  to  was 
Marquis  of  HARTINGTON,  specially  respon- 
sible as  Secretary  of  State  for  War  for 
operations  in  the  Soudan.  Duke  of 
DEVONSHIRE,  in  accordance  with  his  genial 
habit,  came  in  too  late  to  hear  this 
passage.  Was  in  his  place  over  clock  a 
quarter  of  an  hour  later,  in  time  to  hear 
ghosts  of  his  former  self  summoned  from 
vasty  deep  of  blue  books  to  confront  his 
present  colleagues,  and  condemn  their 
action  in  charging  India  with  cost  of 
troops  recruited  for  the  Soudan.  No  one 
looking  at  impassive  face  surveying  House 
from  seat  in  gallery  immediately  over  the 
clock  would  imagine  that  its  owner  had 
remotest  interest  in  personage  whose 
written  words  were  cited  and  commented 
upon.  The  House,  its  interest  quickened 
by  presence  of  the  Duke  whilst  the  Mar- 
quis was  quoted,  pricked  up  its  ears. 

His  Grace,  after  listening  for  a  while, 
became  unaffectedly  bored.  He  yawned 


whenever  JOHN  MORLEY,  mentioning 
"Lord  HARTINGTON,"  proceeded  to  quote 
from  his  speeches  or  despatches.  Soon 
his  head  drooped  on  right  shoulder.  Con- 
venient to  his  elbow  was  division  of  bench 
between  Peers'  Gallery  and  that  set  apart 
for  Foreign  Ministers.  As  J.  M.  continued, 
the  Duke  laid  his  head  on  his  hand,  and 
in  full  view  of  crowded  House  he  slept — 
slept  so  soundly,  that,  unlike  his  colleague 
on  Treasury  Bench,  he  was  undisturbed  by 
problematical  visits  from  the  angels.  If 
on  sultry  July  night  House  of  Commons 
cared  to  know  what  the  Marquis  of  HAR- 
TINGTON thirteen  years  ago  said  about  wis- 
dom and  equity  of  charging  on  Indian  re- 
venue expenses  of  Indian  troops  serving 
abroad,  they  might  stay  awake  and  listen. 
As  for  the  Duke  of  DEVONSHIRE,  he  public- 
ly fell  asleep. 

Business  done. — Attempt  to  relieve 
India  from  Soudan  war  charges  defeated 
by  majority  of  85  in  House  of  465. 

Tuesday. — The  Right  Hon.  JEMMY  Low- 
THER  carr  3  down  to-day  in  high  spirits. 
Budget  B  11  in  Committee ;  LLOYD-GEORGE 
had  put  djwn  amendment  exempting  from 
duty  tea  grown  in  any  part  of  HER 
MAJESTY'S  dominions.  Here  was  a  rift  of 
sunlight  in  a  long  sullen  sky.  If  it  was 
not  Protection  it  was,  as  oratorical  Member 
once  said,  opening  the  door  to  the  thin 
end  of  the  wedge.  JEMMY  not  the  man  to 
miss  an  opportunity.  He  would  put  his 
shoulder  to  the  door  and  help  to  drive  the 
wedge  further  in. 

It  proved  a  night  of  disappointment. 
First  of  all,  enough  to  break  spirit  of 
ordinary  man,  LLOYD-GEORGE  proposed  to 
withdraw  his  amendment.  There,  at  least, 
JEMMY  had  the  whip  hand,  and  used  it. 


36 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  18,  1896. 


Did  Committee  suppose  that  having  pre- 
pared lecture  nearly  an  hour  long,  taking 
as  text  particular  amendment  on  the  paper, 
that  because  amendment  not  moved  his 
speech  would  not  be  made  ?  If  he  might  not 
deliver  it  on  amendment  being  moved,  he 
would  set  forth  every  word  of  it  on  motion 
for  leave  not  to  move  amendment. 

In  this  effort  grievously  hampered  by 
action  of  kinsman  in  the  Chair.  Time  was 
when  the  LOWTHERS  all  hung  together — at 
least,  as  many  of  them  as  were  caught  by 
gentry  in  whose  cattle  they  had  taken  a 
personal  interest.  Now,  J.  W.  LOWTHER, 
in  Chair  of  Committee  or  Ways  and  Means, 
from  time  to  time  interrupted  speech  of 
J.  LOWTHER,  standing  at  corner  of  bench 
below  Gangway,  and  insisted  he  should 
confine  his  remarks  to  certain  narrow  line. 
JEMMY,  in  the  largeness  of  his  heart  and 
fulness  of  his  knowledge,  wanted  to  range 
all  over  the  tea  table.  J .  W.  said  he  must 
strictly  confine  his  attention  to  his  own 
particular  cup  of  tea.  Ribald  House  up- 
roariously laughed  when  from  time  to  time 
the  LOWTHER  in  the  chair  solemnly  rose 
and  in  gravest  voice  called  to  order  the 
LOWTHER  below  the  Gangway. 

JEMMY  an  old  Parliamentary  hand ; 
knows  all  the  ropes  ;  intimately  acquainted 
with  procedure.  Finding  one  hole  stopped, 
the  old  fox  got  away  in  another  direction. 
Sight  of  COURTNEY  reminded  him  of  Cob- 
den  Club  dinner.  Cobden  Club  suggested 
Free  Trade.  Why  not  discuss  speeches 
at  Cobden  Club  dinner  ?  Hardly  started 
when  Chairman  up  again.  More  hilarious 
laughter  on  benches  opposite.  JEMMY 
harked  back  to  tea  ;  had  scarcely  stirred 
his  first  cup  when  Chairman  down  on  him 
again.  By  this  time  had  nearly  got 
through  his  notes  ;  so  with  indignant 


Tied  to  Tea ! 
(Mr.  J-mmy  L-wth-r.) 

fling  at  rules  of  debate  that  "  would  not 
permit  him  to  approach  question  fair  and 
square,"  he  finally  sat  down. 
Business  done. — Budget  Bill  discussed. 

Thursday. — Budget  Bill  again  ;  talk  of 
all-night  sitting,  but  with  thermometer  at 
82  in  shade  doubt  whether  the  thing  will 
work.  With  exception  of  coolness  sud- 
denly sprung  up  between  SQUIRE  OF  MAL- 


THE     IDENTICAL     HAT,  CO/. T,  "DuCKS",   HOOK 
WOODEN-LE&,  TELESCOPE  ,  AMD   EYE- PATCH 
WORN   BY   THE   LATE   LAMENTED    CAP'EN 
TOMMY     BOWLES  THROUGHOUT    HISCAREER. 


"  Objects  of  National  and  Historic  Interest ! " 
(Exempt  from  Duty.) 


WOOD  and  his  sometimes  faithful  follower, 
Dr.  WALLACE,  the  only  cool  thing  in  view 
from  the  SPEAKER'S  Chair  is  the  CAP'EN. 
He  has  shipped  his  ducks  ;  slewed  on  coat 
of  cool  grey ;  rigged  a  fan  from  the  hal- 
yards of  the  bent  spar  that  serves  him  for 
a  right  fist ;  whilst  others  fume  and  fret 
in  tropical  heat,  he,  in  the  very  wanton- 
ness of  luxury  j  pulls  his  trowser  well  up 
the  length  of  his  wooden  leg,  and  smiles  at 
the  Chairman  of  Ways  and  Means. 

The  CAP'EN,  whose  knowledge  of  finance 
is  extensive  and  peculiar,  has  taken  active 
part  in  debate  on  Budget  now  drawing  to 
its  close.  On  Clause  16,  which  exempts  from 
estate  duty  works  of  art  which  appear  to 
the  Treasury  to  be  of  scientific  interest,  he 
posed  Committee  with  suggestion  that 
laid  bare  weakness  of  clause  His  old 
comrade,  who  used  to  rank  as  PRIVATE 
HANBURY,  now  represents  Treasury  in 
House  of  Commons. 

"Fancy,"  said  the  CAP|EN,  waving  his 
hook  in  dangerous  proximity  over  head  of 
Secretary  to  Treasury  reclining  on  bench 
belo  v,  "my  hon.  friend  here  having  to 
decide  whether  or  not  my  portrait  is  of 
historic  interest ! "  Committee  affected 
to  laugh,  but  the  seriousness  of  the  posi- 
tion was  not  to  be  disposed  of  by  snigger- 
ing over  it. 

Business  done.  —  Budget  Bill  through 
Committee. 

House  of  Lords,  Friday.  —  Deceased 
Wife's  Sister  Bill  down  for  third  reading. 
(SARK  says  he  never  heard  of  a  deceased 
wife's  sister  named  BILL.  But  they  don't 
know  everything  down  in  the  Channel  Is- 
lands.) House  crowded  in  anticipation 
of  lively  debate  and  critical  division. 
Bishops  in  abundance.  The  McCuLLUM 
MORE  not  been  here  lately.  Comes  down 
to-night,  and  to  audible  delight  of  bishops 
fulminates  against  proposal.  An  eloquent 
speech,  but  confess  I  never  see  his  Grace 
now  without  thinking  of  what  an  Oban 
innkeeper  said  to  me  when  I  was  last 
autumn  in  those  parts  waiting  for  the 
express  to  the  South. 

"  The  Duke  of  ARGYLL,"  he  said,  "  is  in 
a  vprra  deeficult  poseetion,  whatever.  His 
pride  of  intellect  will  no  let  him  associate 
with  men  of  his  ain  birth,  and  his  pride  of 
birth  will  no  let  him  associate  with  men  of 
his  ain  intellect." 


Business  done. — Marriage  with  Deceased 
Wife's  Sister  Bill  read  a  third  time  by 
majority  of  38. 

COMMON  OR  GARDEN  RHYMES. 

FLOWER  AND  WEED. 

BY  my  side  in  a  shady  garden  bower 

I  have  all  that  a  man  can  need — 
The   last    new    book,    and    a   sweet  fresh 
flower 

(Which  are  both  "just    out"),    and    a 

weed. 
My  book  lies  idly  upon  my  knee, 

And  I  hardly  pretend  to  read, 
For  the  flower  is  all  I  care  to  see —  . 

Though  I  also  love  the  weed. 

If  to  burn  and  be  burnt  be  the  heart's  de- 
sire. 

Then  mine  is  fulfilled  indeed ; 
For  the  flower  sets  all  my  heart  on  fire, 

While  I — set  fire  to  the  weed ! 

And    "  Dick,    you    old    chimney,    that 's 

number  three ! " 
I  hear,  yet  I  do  not  heed ; 
But  I  smile  at  the  flower  that  smiles  at 

me 
Through  the  smoke  of  the  burning  weed. 

So  I  while  the  summer  hours  away. 

From  all  worry  and  trouble  freed, 
And  the  only  boon  from  the  Fates  I  pray 

Is — "  Give  me  flower  and  weed ! " 
For  it 's  my  belief  that  a  garden  nook — 

Most  certain  of  all  true  creeds — 
Is  the  place  where  flowers  their  sweetest 
look, 

And  the  place  for  burning  weeds! 


MUSICAL  AND  THEATRICAL. — In  playing 
The  Liar,  Mr.  BOURCHIER  seems  to  have 
struck  the  right  note.  The  Liar  is  to  go 
into  the  evening  bill,  and  then  Mr.  BOUR- 
CHIER will,  we  hope,  "  Foote  it "  to  a 
pretty  tune. 


BEFORE  MR.  JUSTICE  DAY. — Wonderful 
how  clear  the  most  misty  case  becomes 
when  Day-light  is  let  in  on  it. 


THE    CONSTANT 
COUPLES. — Tiffin. 


MEAL   OF   ILL-ASSORTED 


JULY  25,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


37 


MELTING     MOMENTS. 

( Temperature  95°  in  the  Shade. ) 

Friend.  "How  DOES  THIS  WEATHER  SUIT  YOU,  OLD  CHAP?" 
Bankrupt  Proprietor.   "  OH,  DOWN  TO  THE  GROUND  !     You  SEE,  I  'M 
IN  LIQUIDATION  ! " 


ROUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

MY  BROTHER-IN-LAW. 
(Concluded.) 

WELL,  there  was  no  blinking  the  fact.  HARRY  was  married, 
and  loud  were  the  lamentations  and  indignant  the  snortings  of 
all  his  tribe  of  aunts  when  the  news  pervaded  to  their  ears. 
Now  at  last,  they  declared,  the  boy  was  ruined :  all  his  pre- 
vious escapades  were  merely  the  conventional  sowing  of  wild 
oats,  from  which  a  youth  of  his  gifts,  spirit  and  lineage  might 
have  been  expected  to  reap  an  abundant  crop  of  success.  But 
this  marriage  was  too  terrible.  HARRY  might  have  allied  him- 
self to  rank  and  wealth,  for  a  lad  of  his  looks  and  family  could 
have  aspired  to  any  alliance  outside  the  circle  of  royalty — but 
a  tenant  farmer's  daughter!  No,  the  boy  had  made  himself 
impossible,  and  henceforth — so  they  affirmed  in  effect — they  were 
no  aunts  of  his. 

HARRY  took  the  ostracism  decreed  against  him  by  his  aunts 
with  perfect  calmness.  The  old  cats,  he  said,  had  never  done 
anything  for  him,  and  he  didn't  care  two  winks  of  a  sparrow's 
left  eye-lid  what  they  thought  of  his  actions.  If  they  didn't 
care  for  his  missus  they  would  just  have  to  lump  it,  and  after 
all,  she  could  give  the  whole  lot  of  them  a  hundred-weight  and 
a  beating  for  looks  and  manners,  and  that  was  all  he  was  going 
to  trouble  his  head  about.  So  HARRY  was  codicilled  out  of 
several  wills,  and  accepted,  with  his  wife,  an  invitation  from 
my  wife  to  stay  with  us  for  a  week  or  so  while  they  looked  out 
for  nice  cheap  lodgings  in  a  quiet  part  of  the  town,  and  settled 
what  they  were  to  do  for  a  living.  For  ALICE,  I  must  say, 
behaved  like  an  angel  to  her  brother.  "  I  will  never  give  HARRY 
up,  no,  never,"  were  her  words.  "  If  he  were  to  commit  a 
murder  I  would  hide  him,  and  now  that  he  has  really  done  a 
fine  action,  as  well  as  a  sensible  one,  I  mean  to  stand  by  him 


more  than  ever.  That  girl  will  be  the  making  of  him,  you'll 
see  if  I'm  not  right.  All  he  wants  is  a  feeling  of  responsibility, 
a  sense  that  someone  depends  upon  him,  and  who  could  give 
him  that  better  than  a  wife  ?  You  know  how  often  you  've 
said  yourself  that  you  could  never  have  got  on  without  me, 
though  I'm  sure  I  know  little  enough  of  your  horrid  old  law- 
books,  or  your  stupid  cases — and  I  'm  sure  it  '11  be  just  the  same 
with  HARRY,  if  we  can  only  get  him  started.  And  with  your 
influence  you  must  be  able  to  get  him  something."  Thus  did 
the  wife  of  my  bosom  address  winged  words  to  me,  and  hence 
it  came  that  we  shortly  afterwards  received  the  visit  of  the 
young  couple. 

AND  now,  as  Mr.  RIDER  HAGGARD  says,  a  strange  thing 
happened.  I  must  confess  that  I  had  looked  forward  with  some 
apprehension  to  my  first  meeting  with  Mrs.  HARRY,  and  my 
wife — though  she  would  have  gone  to  the  stake,  or  suffered  her- 
self to  be  torn  with  red-hot  pincers  rather  than  admit  it — was 
not  without  her  share  of  nervousness.  For  after  all,  when  a 
young  man  has  never  in  his  life  deviated  into  a  wise  action,  one 
is  not  inclined  to  credit  him  with  any  special  discernment  in 
so  momentous  a  matter  as  the  choice  of  a  wife.  And  somehow 
or  other,  the  idea  associated  in  my  mind  with  a  farmer's 
daughter  was  of  a  clumsy,  heavy,  buxom,  blooming,  and  not 
too  refined  girl.  But  the  reality  was  totally  different.  In 
place  of  the  common  unpleasing  vision  we  had  conjured  up  we 
saw  a  modest,  charming,  and  extremely  pretty  girl,  dressed 
simply,  but  with  perfect  taste,  and  of  a  style  of  address  and 
manners  that  would  have  fitted  her  to  take  her  place  in  any 
society.  After  she  had  been  with  us  for  half  an  hour  I  was  won 
over  to  her  side  for  good  and  all,  and  my  wife,  as  she  embraced 
her  for  about  the  eighth  time,  cast  a  triumphant  look  at  me, 
as  much  as  to  say,  "  didn't  I  tell  you  so  all  along,  and  will  you 
ever  dare  to  doubt  my  foresight  again,  and  aren't  you  really 
rather  foolish  ever  to  have  thought  ESTHER  would  be  anything 
but  delightful  ?  " 

As  for  HARRY,  he  was  fonder  of  his  wife  and  prouder  of  his 
own  cleverness  in  having  captured  her  than  I  could  have  con- 
ceived it  possible  for  so  giddy  and  thoughtless  a  young  man. 
"Look  here,  old  man,"  he  said  to  me,  with  considerable 
solemnity,  "  of  course  I  know  I  've  played  the  fool  all  my  life, 
but  that's  over  now.  I'm  going  to  buckle  to  like  beans,  you 
see  if  I  don't.  Something  must  turn  up,  and  whatever  it  is 
I'll  take  it,  and  ESTHER  will  help  me,  bless  her  heart,  right 
through.  You  don't  know  what  ideas  that  girl  has  got,  she  's 
full  of  'em.  Why,  I  'm  a  baby  to  her."  Never  was  praise  better 
deserved,  for  certainly  ESTHER  was  as  practical  as  she  was  pretty 
and  fascinating,  and  her  quiet  influence  began  to  have  an  ex- 
traordinary effect  on  HARRY  in  curbing  his  extravagances,  and 
reducing  his  ideas  to  the  level  of  his  means. 

I  AM  sorry  to  have  to  end  this  little  story  in  a  happy  way — 
but  truth  compels.  The  secretaryship  of  the  Bucephalus  Club 
fell  vacant  about  this  time,  and  the  Committee  of  that  great 
institution  were  inundated  with  applications  for  the  post.  It 
had  been  my  good  fortune  on  one  occasion  to  be  able  to  render 
a  considerable  service  to  the  Bucephalus,  and  for  some  years 
I  had  had  a  place  on  the  Committee.  I  took  up  HARRY  as  my 
candidate,  worked  for  him,  canvassed  for  him,  wrote  letters  on 
his  behalf,  and,  in  the  result,  secured  his  triumphant  election. 
The  defeated  minority  hinted  darkly  at  a  job,  but  HARRY  has 
justified  me  and  his  other  supporters.  No  better  club  secretary 
exists.  He  is  punctual,  courteous,  and  a  model  of  secretarial 
industry,  and,  further  than  that,  I  don't  suppose  there  is  a 
happier  couple  in  London  than  HARRY  and  ESTHER.  Their 
wants  are  moderate  and  their  means  are  sufficient.  I  do  not 
wish  it  to  be  inferred  that  I  recommend  everybody  to  get  a 
seemingly  ne'er-do-well  brother-in-law  married  to  the  daughter 
of  a  tenant-farmer.  All  I  can  say  is,  that  in  this  particular  case 
the  experiment  has  been  an  unqualified  success,  and  must  for 
ever  stand  to  the  credit  of  womankind. 


TRILBY'S  poor  tootsies  have  ceased  to  run  on  the  boards  of  the 
Haymarket,  but  she  now  reappears  in  a  West  Australian  mining 
venture,  not  in  company  with  Svengali,  but  united  to  Little 
Billee.  The  Mining  Co.  is  known  as  "The  Ivanhoe  Consols 
Amalgamated,  Trilby,  and  Little  Billee,"  so  that  O  my  eye 
Trilby  is  in  excellent  company  with  THACKERAY'S  Little  Bilke 
and  SCOTT'S  0-my-I-vanhoe.  If  "  Our  Trilby,"  or  rather  "  Trilby 
Mine"  has  the  success  of  the  book,  the  speculators  will  be 
fortunate. 


38 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULT  25,  1896. 


TOO    MUCH    FOR    HIM 

H-rc-rt  (the  rival  Strong  Man,  to  Arth-r  B-lf-r,  the  Giant).   "WHAT  !  CALL  YOURSELF  A  GIANT,  AND  NOT  LIFT  THAT  LITTLE  LOT  ! 


JULY  25,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


'  '   I'  \\llUf//l  I 


DECIDEDLY    UNCOMFORTABLE. 


AWKWARD  POSITION  OF  MR.  NEWFANGLE,  WHO,  WHEN  HALF-WAY  UP  A  STEEP  HILL,  DISCOVERS  BY  THE  SUDDEN  RETROGRADE 
MOVEMENT  OF  THE  AUTOCAR  THAT  THE  MOTOR  HAS  BECOME  EXHAUSTED. 


ME.  PUNCH  AT  A  GARDEN 
PAETY. 

A  Plea,  for  the  Birds  to  the  Women  of  England 
on  the  Princess  Maud's  Wedding  Day. 

AN  Eden   a   la  mode!    Nature's  charms 
and  Fashion's  code 

Sweetly  blent! 

Manners    "  smart "    and    pretty    frocks. 
Sure  there 's  nothing  here  that  shocks 

Calm  content. 

Beauteous    women    and    hrave   men !     It 
would  tax  a  modiste's  pen 

To  portray 

Culture  and  chiffons  fine  under  summer's 
hyaline 

Gathered  gay. 

Yon's  a  popular  princess,  in  a  most  deli- 
cious dress, 

Smiling  sweet ; 

And   the  daughters   of  the   land,   gentle, 
gracious,  bright  and  bland, 

Mix  and  meet. 

And  the  dresses,   ah!   the  dresses!     Man 
hia  impotence  confesses 
At  their  sight. 

Man   may  epics   pen,    or   plays,    but   the 
sumptuary  maze, 

Rainbow-bright , 

His  descriptive  power  transcends.     What 
a  charm  the  frou-frou  lends 

To  the  scene ! 

Modish  music  is  the  sound  of  soft  raiment 
rustling  round 

'Midst  the  green 

Of   the   leafy   summer   bowers,    and   the 
summer-scented  flowers. 

And  the  plumes ! — 


Ah! — the  plumes!    There  comes  a  thought 
with  grave  melancholy  fraught, 

Which  o'erglooms 

All  the  gladness  of  the  time.     Can  a  cold, 
inhuman  crime 

Throw  its  shade 

O'er  a  scene  so  bright  as  this  ?    It  is  like 
a  serpent  hiss 

From  a  glade 

Flower-decked  and  softly  fair.     O'er  that 
young  girls  golden  hair 

Float  the  sprays 

From  a  slaughtered  egret  torn !     Fashion 
rules  they  must  be  worn. 

She — obeys ! 

Yes,  despite  the  sweet  princess — whom  to- 
day we  toast  and  bless 

On  her  bridal, — 

There  they  wave.    And  can  it  be  Nature's 
protest,  Pity's  plea, 

Still  fall  idle? 

Punch  would  whisper  in  your  ears,  stately 
dames  and  pretty  dears, — 
Whom  he  loves, — 

That   from    forth    MAUD'S   marriage-morn 
egret  plumes  should  be  foresworn. 

Dainty  doves, 

Darlings,   to    deck    whose   forms    nesting 
birds  in  countless  swarms 
Fall  and  bleed, — 

Use  your  own  brown  tender  eyes.     Heed 
not  Fashion's  selfish  lies. 

Rather  heed 

Punch  and   kind   Sir  WILLIAM   FLOWBK  ! 
Gentle  heart  is  dearest  dower 

For  a  maid. 

How    the    birds    your    vow    will    bless! 

Never  mind  the  claims  of  dress, 

Or  harsh  trade, 


Think  of  all  the  woe  and  pain  of  the  birds 
in  myriads  slain 

Near  their  nests, 

Just  to  make  your  head  look  smart,  at 
the  cost  of  your  kind  heart. 

Love's  behests 

Scarce  should  want  such  seconding.     Let 
the  egret  be  a  thing 
Never  worn 
O'er  an  English  maiden's  tresses!     That's 

a  vow  which,  while  it  blesses 
You,  will  crown  our  dear  Princess's 
Marriage-morn ! 


A  Constant  Header's  Question. 

SIR, — All  over  the  country  as  I  go 
along  the  lines,  and  ever  reading  between 
them,  I  see  "Somebody's  Little  Liver 
Fills"  advertised  everywhere  on  boards 
displayed  in  various  fresh  fields  and  pas- 
tures new.  Are  these  places  "the  Con- 
gested Districts"  just  now  attracting  the 
attention  of  our  legislators  ?  And  is  this 
the  Parliamentary  method  of  dealing  with 
them  ?  Yours,  VIATOR. 

To  GAZE  ON  THE  ECLIPSE. — Mr.  MUD- 
DLER thinks,  he  says,  of  going  out  with 
GAZE'S  special  cruise  to  see  the  collapse  of 
the  sun  in  August. 

AT  BISLEY. — During  the  past  fortnight 
our  rifle  rangers  have  been  Bis'ley  en- 
gaged.   

SOUTH  AFRICAN  GOLD  COMPANIES. — The 
Real  "Mining-gain  Troupe." 


40 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  25,  189C. 


JOTTINGS    AND    TITTLINGS. 

(Bv  BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO  JABBERJEE,  B.A.) 
No.  XVIII. 

Mr.  Jabberjee  is  a  little  over-ingenious  in  his  excuses. 

SINCE  shaking  the  dust  off  my  feet  at  Porticobello  House,  I 
have  not  succeeded  to  pluck  the  courage  for  a  personal  interview 
with  Miss  JESSIMINA,  and  my  correspondence,  duly  forwarded 
per  Mr.  BHOOBONB  LALL  JALPANYBHOY,  of  Highbury,  has  con- 
sisted mainly  of  abject  excuses  for  non-attendance  on  plea  of 
over-study  for  Bar  Exam,  and  total  incapacity  to  journey  due 
to  excessive  disorderliness  in  stomach  department. 


"  Ascended  his  bicycle  with  a  waggish  winkle  in  his  eye." 

This,  unhappily,  at  length  inspired  her  with  the  harrowing 
dread  that  I  was  on  the  point  of  being  launched  into  the  throes 
of  eternity,  if  not  already  as  dead  as  Death's  door-nail,  and  so, 
with  feminine  want  of  reflection,  she  performed  a  hurried  pil- 
grimage to  Highbury. 

Now,  whether  on  account  of  the  beetleheadedness  of  a 
domestic,  or  Baboo  JALPANYBHOY'S  incompetency  in  the  art  of 
equivocation,  I  am  not  to  say — but  the  sequel  of  her  inquiries 
was  the  unshakable  conviction  that  I  had  not  struck  root  in  the 
habitation  from  which  my  letters  were  ostensibly  addressed. 

And  in  a  subsequently  forwarded  letter  she  did  reproach  me 
pathetically  with  my  duplicity,  and  accused  me  of  being  a  fickle 
— by  which  I  was  so  unspeakably  cut  up  that  I  abstained  from 
the  condescension  of  a  rejoinder. 

Next  I  became  the  involuntary  recipient  of  another  letter  in 
more  intemperate  style,  menacing  me  that  with  a  hook  or  a 
crook,  she  would  dislodge  me  from  the  loophole  in  which  I  was 
snugly  established,  and  that  several  able-bodied  boarders  were 
the  hue  of  a  full  cry  in  pursuit. 

Since  Hereford  Road  is  in  dangerous  proximity  to  Ladbroke 
Grove,  I  was  sitting  tight  in  my  apartments  on  receipt  of  this 
grave  intelligence,  with  funk  in  my  heart,  and  the  Unknown 
hovering  above  me,  when  my  young  friend  HOWARD  ALLBUTT- 
INNETT,  Esq.,  arrived  with  his  bicycle,  like  a  god  on  a  machine, 
and,  perceiving  the  viridity  of  my  countenance,  inquired  sym- 
pathetically what  was  up. 

At  first,  being  mindful  of  the  excessive  liveliness  with  which 
he  had  bantered  my  residence  in  a  boarding-house  of  such 
mediocre  pretensions,  I  was  naturally  disinclined  to  reveal  that 
I  was  in  the  plight  of  troth  with  the  proprietress's  daughter; 
but  eventually  I  overcame  my  coyness,  and  uncovered  the  pretty 


kettle  of  fish  of  my  infandum  dolorem,  and  my  ardent  longing 
to  hit  upon  some  plan  to  extricate  myself  from  the  suffocating 
coils  of  such  a  Laocoon. 

"  My  dear  old  chap,"  he  said,  kindly,  after  I  had  unfolded  the 
last  link  of  my  tale  of  woe,  "  I  will  put  you  up  in  a  dodge  that 
will  perform  the  trick.  Don't  see  the  young  woman,  or  she 
will  get  round  you  with  half  a  jiffy.  Write  to  her  that  you  are 
not  worthy  of  a  rap,  and  no  more  a  Prince  than  I  am  !  " 

Hearing  his  last  words,  I  started,  and  did,  like  the  ghost  of 
Hamlet  Senior,  "jump  at  this  dead  hour,"  being  convinced 
that  young  HOWARD  had  found  out  (perhaps  from  Hon'ble 
CUMMERBUND)  that  my  title  was  a  bogus,  and  anticipating  that, 
if  he  divulged  the  skeleton  of  my  bare  cupboard  to  his  highly 
genteel  parents,  I  should  infallibly  experience  the  crushing 
mortification  of  a  chuck  out. 

However,  I  hid  the  fox  that  was  nibbling  my  vitals  by  in- 
quiring, in  a  rather  natural  accent,  what  he  meant  by  such  a 
suggestion. 

"  Are  you  such  an  innocent,  simple  old  Johnny,  Prince  ?  "  he 
said,  with  reassuring  bonhomie,  "as  not  to  catch  the  idea.  Do 
you  not  know  that  European  feminines  in  all  ranks  of  society — 
alack,  even  in  our  own ! — are  immoderately  attracted  by  anyone 
possessed  of  riches  and  a  title — or  of  either  of  the  two  ?  As  an 
au  fait  in  the  female  temperament,  I  shall  wager  that  it  is  nine 
out  of  ten  that  if  you  spoof  this  mercenary  young  minx  into 
believing  that  you  are  merely  a  native  impecunious  nonentity, 
and  not  to  be  shot  at  with  powder,  she  will  instantaneously 
drop  pursuing  such  a  hot  potato." 

To  this  speech  (reported  verbatim  to  best  of  my  ability)  I 
did  shake  my  head  sorrowfully,  and  reply  that  I  greatly  feared 
that  JESSIMINA'S  devotion  to  this  unlucky  self  was  too  severe  to 
be  diverted,  or  even  checked,  like  a  cow  that  is  infuriated  or 
non  compos  mentis,  by  the  mere  relinquishment  of  such  tinsel 
and  gewgaw  wraps  as  a  title  or  worldly  belongings,  having  fre- 
quently (and  that,  too,  prior  to  our  engagement)  protested  her 
preference  for  very  dark-complexioned  individuals,  and  her 
vehement  curiosity  to  behold  India. 

But  he,  as  he  ascended  his  bicycle  with  a  waggish  winkle  in 
his  eye,  repeated  that  I  might  try  it  on  at  all  events. 

Still,  I  could  not  induce  myself  to  adopt  his  spoofish  strategy, 
for  I  reflected  that,  though  it  might  convince  her  that  I  was 
unmarriageable,  it  would  only  increase  her  fury  and  the 
vengeance  of  her  champion  boarders.  So  at  length  I  composed 
a  moving  epistle,  as  follows  :  — 
INCOMPARABLE — THOUGH  LACKADAISY  !  INACCESSIBLE — JESSIMINA  ! 

Poet  SHAKSPEARE  has  shrewdly  observed  that  "a  true  lover 
never  did  run  a  straight  course,"  and  the  sincerity  of  present 
writer's  affection  is  incontestably  proved  by  his  apparent  crooked- 
ness of  running,  and  keeping  dark  outside  the  illuminating 
rays  of  thy  moon-like  countenance.  The  cause  is  the  unforeseen 
cataclysm  of  a  decree  from  my  family  astrologer  or  dowyboghee, 
whom  I  have  anxiously  consulted  upon  our  joint  matrimonial 
prospects.  [MEM.  TO  THE  READERS. — This  was  what  young 
HOWARD  would  term  "the  bit  of  spoof."  I  am  no  ninnyhammer 
to  consult  an  exploded  astrologer !  ]  Miserabile  dictu !  the 
venerable  and  senile  pundit  reports  that  such  an  alliance  would 
infallibly  plunge  us  into  the  peck  of  troubles,  since  the  sign  of 
your  natal  month  is  the  meek  and  innocent  Lamb — while  mine 
is  the  more  ferocious  Lion! 

A  very  slight  familiarity  with  Natural  History,  &c.,  will  show 
you  the  utter  incompatibility  of  temper  between  such  an  un- 
congenial couple  of  animals,  and  the  correctness  of  said  astrolo- 
ger's prediction  that  it  must  infallibly  be  the  Lamb  who  would 
be  whiphanded  in  the  unequal  conflict. 

In  consequence,  though  I  am  beating  the  floor  with  my  head 
as  I  write,  and  moistening  the  carpet  with  the  copiousness  of 
my  lachrymations,  I  must  bid  you  the  final  and  irrevocable 
adieu  and  au  revoir,  since  I  am  unwilling  to  act  as  a  selfish. 
Think  of  me  as  "  a  prince  out  of  thy  star,"  to  quote  the  reference 
of  SHAKSPEARE'S  character,  Polonius,  to  Hamlet,  under  pre- 
cisely similar  circumstances.  You  will  please  forget  me 
instanter,  and  accept  this  as  my  last  solemn  so-long,  which  I 
utter  on  the  threshold  of  preparation  for  the  stern  and  dreaded 
ordeal  of  Bar  Exam.  In  frantic  haste, 

Your  ever  faithful  and  broken-hearted  Baboo,  HURRY. 

P.S. — No  answer  required. 

But  after  an  interval  of  a  very  few  posts,  in  spite  of  my  strict 
injunctions  to  contrary,  I  got  the  answer  that  she  was  deeply 
touched  by  my  self-sacrifice,  and  had  never  loved  me  more. 
Having  been  brought  up  in  a  Christian  disbelief  of  all  astro- 
nomy, she  was  not  in  fear  of  my  "  dowybogey "  or  any  other 
native  bogies,  and  nothing  should  part  us,  if  she  could  help  it. 


JULY  25,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


41 


She  added,  that  I  had  been  seen  about  Westbourne  Grove 
recently. 

On  receipt  of  this  touching  and  beautiful  communication  I 
was  again  in  the  stampede  of  panic,  and  realised  that  I  must 
have  immediate  resort  to  some  stronger  description  of  "  Spoof." 

It  is  calamitous  that  I  cannot  find  a  card  up  my  sleeve  with 
the  single  exception  of  my  young  friend's  HOWARD'S  dodge, 
which  I  fear  will  prove  too  filamentous. 

However,  a  faint  heart  never  got  rid  of  a  fair  lady  1 


PEN  AND  PATTER  IN  THE  WORLD  OF  SPORT. 

[  We  suspect  that  this  article  must  have  been  intended  for  one  of  our 
sporting  contemporaries.  But,  as  it  came  to  this  Office,  we  have  seized  the 
opportunity  of  adorning  our  columns  with  it. — ED.] 

I'FAITH  the  elements  were  not  of  the  most  favourable  sort  at 
the  late  Henley  Regatta.  Sunshine  there  was,  but 

Rude  Boreas  blew  with,  blustering  force, 
Fav'ring  the  Bucks  side  of  the  course. 

Thus  the  poet  hath  it  in  memorable  words.  But  the  stalwart 
sons  of  England  blenched  not.  When  was  a  gallant  "  wet-bob  " 
known  to  quail  in  face  of  odds  ?  Let  the  "  faddists  "  and  "  spoil- 
sports "  take  heed  to  the  lesson  conveyed  by  the  glorious  race 
between  the  lads  from  New  College,  who  in  the  Oxford  "  Mays  " 
had  secured  the  proud  position  of  "  dux "  of  the  eight-oared 
races,  and  the  "  brilliants  "  of  the  famous  Leander  Club.  'Twas 
in  sooth  a  battle  of  giants  when 

Stantes  in  puppihus  altis 

the  coxswains  swayed  the  yoke-lines  of  their  frail  galleys,  and 
urged  their  crews  to  renewed  efforts.  As  the  witty  French 
marquis  put  it  on  a  celebrated  occasion,  "  rien  succede  comme  le 
succes,"  and  no  saying  of  greater  aptness  can  be  drawn  from  the 
"  arcana  "  of  "  res  gestce."  My  congratulations  go  to  the  "  Novi- 
cpllegians "  not  less  than  to  the  tried  and  trusted  representa- 
tives of  the  "  premier "  Metropolitan  Boat  Club  on  a  splendid 
race.  But  "  revenons  a  nos  moutons." 

Egad  the  "Antipodean"  wielders  of  the  willow  go  from 
strength  to  strength.  'Tis  not  easy  to  see  why  foolish  carpers 
should  ever  have  set  them  down  as  an  aggregation  lacking  in  any 
of  the  necessary  merits  of  a  magnificent  team  of  first-class 
"dry-bobs."  'Twill  be  remembered,  that  from  the  beginning 
I  never  held  with  such,  but  cautioned  our  cricketers  against  the 
national  vice  of  under-estimating  the  market  value  of  their 
doughty  antagonists  from  the  "under-world."  Still,  with  our 
veteran  champion  and  such  "  sports  "  as  the  dusky  little  Prince 
"  RANJIE,"  we  can  "  take  up  arms  against  a  sea  of  troubles,"  and 
by  giving  them  the  necessary  opposition,  bring  them  without 
difficulty  to  a  satisfactory  termination.  So  mote  it  be.  And 
here  a  whisper  in  your  ears,  good  Sirs.  Whatever  may  betide, 
play  the  game  as  'twas  handed  down  to  us  by  our  sires. 

Of  many  other  notable  events  I  must  speak  anon. 

VIEUX  BLETJ. 

"FIFTY  LITTLE  DOCTOR  BOYS/' 

["  Fifty  young  doctors  have  started  work  in  the  tenement-house  district  of 
New  York,  under  direction  of  the  Board  of  Health.  They  are  part  of  the 
usual  summer  corps  of  physicians  who  are  instructed  to  look  out  for  violations 
of  the  sanitary  laws." — Evening  Paper.} 

YOUTHFUL  New  York  medicos,  zealous,  smart,  and  fifty, 
Told  the   slum  folk  how  they  could  be  good,   and  clean,  and 
thrifty. 

Several  street  larrikins  much  preferred  being  naughty — 
Hurled  some  half-bricks  jovially — and  then  there  were  forty. 

Other  aborigines  resented  being  called  dirty — 

Rolled  the  (doctors  in  the  mud — and  then  there  were  thirty. 

To  each  Sawbones  quoth  his  friend — "  Mind,  festina  lente !  " 
But  a  whiff  of  lively  germs  reduced  their  ranks  to  twenty. 

Twenty  leeches  with  their  lancets  bled  some  Irishmen 
Coming  straight  from  Tammany — and  then  there  were  ten. 

For  their  fees — in  gold — the  ten  did  their  patrons  dun ; 
The  Silverites  got  hold  of  them — and  then  there  was  none ! 


LATEST  FROM  ST.  STEPHEN'S. — Welsh  music  on  the  Terrace  in 
summer  will  be  succeeded  by  Welsh  rabbits  in  winter,  and 
possibly  poached  eggs  for  the  Anti-Game  Laws  M.P.'s. 


"TWAS    WHISPERED    IN    HEAVEN." 

(Hottest  Day,  Tuesday,  July  14.) 


First  Swell  (languidly}.   "  How  ARE  YOU  ? " 
Second  Swell  (still  more  languidly).    ' '  'Oi'  ! 

TROUBLE  TO  ASPIRATE  !  " 


VE'Y  'OT  !    Too  GREAT 


A  CASE  FOR  SIR  JOHN  LUBBOCK. 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH, — I  know  that  you  have  a  tender  heart,  and 
therefore  I  implore  you  to  bring  my  sad  complaint  to  the  notice 
of  the  public,  who,  I  believe,  buy  your  paper.  I  don't  always, 
for  I  read  your  charming  effusions  at  the  most  convenient  Free 
Library.  But  the  Free  Libraries  are  of  no  use  to  me  in  my 
distress,  which  is,  that  last  Wednesday  evening  I  arrived  at 
Richmond  (in  Surrey,  not  Yorkshire)  and  wanted  to  buy  some 
comestibles  for  dinner,  but,  alas !  was  unable  to  do  so  owing  to 
an  early  closing  movement,  of  which  I  was  quite  unaware,  as  I 
had  just  come  from  Harlesden,  where  the  same  idea  prevails 
on  Thursday.  To-morrow  (Friday)  I  am  going  to  Staines,  and 
possibly  this  day  may  be  selected  by  the  inhabitants  for  their 
weekly  junketings. 

I  really  cannot  object  to  the  young  men  and  women,  who  so 
courteously  attend  to  our  wants,  appropriating  every  sixth  day 
as  well  as  Sunday  for  their  amusement,  but  I  do  ask  their  em- 
ployers round  about  London  to  fix  on  the  same  date  for  this  re- 
laxation. Then,  again,  I  notice  that  the  butchers — always  so 
prodigal  of  fat  and  bone — have  apparently  formed  an  association 
for  putting  up  their  shutters  on  Mondays.  Is  this  because  New 
Zealand  lamb  and  mutton  are  not  delivered  on  Sunday  ?  I  have 
no  wish  to  offend  the  susceptibilities  of  these  gentlemen,  or, 
indeed,  of  any  other  traders,  but  a  little  time-table  of  their 
various  movements  would  be  so  convenient  to 

Your  faithful  servant, 

MARTHA  MACKITTLE. 
(A  JiouseTceeper  of  fifty  and  three  years'  service.) 


A  SIMPLE  DOMESTIC  QUESTION  EASILY  ANSWERED. — Q.  "What's 
to  be  done  with  our  flies?"  A.  "Catch  'em  alive,  oh." 
N.B. — Some  flies  turn  out  to  be  "growlers"  when  captured, 
but  always  eventually  succumb  to  the  attentions  of  the  Stick'it 
Minister. 


42 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  25,  1896. 


"  TRAIN  UP  YOUR  PARENTS  THE  WAY  THEY  SHOULD  GO." 

"You  KNOW  PAPA  HAS  BEEN  ASKED  TO   PLAY   IN   THE  'FATHERS  AGAINST  THE  BOYS 
MATCH  ? " 

"YES,  MOTHER.     BUT  I  HOPE  THE  BOYS  WILL  WIN  THIS  YEAR.     IF  THE  FATHERS  WIN 

AGAIN  THEY  *LL  BE  SO  BEASTLY  COCKY  !  " 


OPERATIC  NOTES. 

MASSENET'S  Manon  in  French,  and  the 
thermometer  down  to  a  pleasantly  low 
degree,  filled  Covent  Garden  on  Thurs- 
day night  with  a  right  royal  crowd.  Ma- 
dame MELBA  was  the  most  fascinating  of 
Manons.  Her  exquisite  voice  was  heard 
to  perfection  in  the  beautiful  music.  A 
monster  basket  of  flowers  was  presented 
as  a  tribute  to  her  charms.  Then  it 
seemed  as  though  some  one  had  taken 


Mr.  Punch's  hints  on  floral  offerings,  for 
a  small  ordinary  buttonhole  bouquet  was 
also  handed  up.  M.  ALVAREZ  is  always 
an  artist,  but  although  Dei  Grieux  will 
not  be  one  of  his  very  best  parts,  it  was 
a  fine  performance.  PLANOON  was  im- 
pressive in  his  masterly  way  as  the  usual 
mournfully  moral  operatic  father.  M. 
ALBERS  was  a  little  stiff  for  an  insou- 
ciant Lescant,  but  he  sang  well.  M.  GILI- 
BEBT  was  amusing  as  Guillot,  a  regular 
robust,  gay  dog.  And  of  course  the 


beaming  BATJERMBISTER  was  charming. 
For  the  rest,  the  energetic  MANOINELLI, 
hard  at  it  as  usual,  kept  his  orchestra 
splendidly  together.  No  doubt  the  reply 
to  the  question,  "  Was  a  success  scored  by 
Manonf"  would  be  (in  excellent  French), 
"Mais,  oui."  But  to  give  proper  point 
to  the  answer,  the  opera  would  have  to  be 
pronounced  "May  non"  in  spite  of  its 
introduction  in  July. 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

AN  OLD  SMOKER  SOLILOQUISES. 

I  SIT  surrounded  in  my  den 
By  tokens  of  the  Now  and  Then. 
They  tell  of  days  when  baccy  jars 
Were  meet  companions  of  cigars ; 
When  cigarettes  were  voted  trash 
Not  worthy  of  cremation's  ash ; 
When  meerchaum's  coloured  face  evoked 
A.  certain  draw  for  him,  who  smoked ; 
When  Latakia's  fragrant  bloom 
Would  mix  with   bird's  eye's  rough  per- 
fume. 

Here  is  the  fragrant  jewelled  pipe 
Whose  stem  exhales  the  "cherry  ripe," 
Whose  amber  mouth-piece  back  to  me 
Brings  kisses  of  a  Northern  She  I 
And  here  the  merry  black  dhudeen — 
(Yes  1  then  I  loved  you,  dark  colleen !) — 
And  there  that  hookah's  fatal  coil 
Reminds  me  how  my  blood  would  boil 
To  see  you  flirt!    What  futile  trouble, 
You  were  not  worth  the  hubble-bubble ! 

In  fair  Bordeaux  you  worked  that  case 

With  silken  cord  and  golden  lace, 

A  kind  of  net  that  held  me,  dear, 

For  just  a  quarter  of  a  year. 

'Twas  something  like  that  velvet  bag 

That 's  filled  with  cavendish  and  shag. 

I  valued  it  all  gifts  above, 

And  knew  in  smoke  it  told  of  love, 

An  emblem  of  the  purest  heart — 

The  bill  came  in.     I  had  to  part  1 

Just  underneath  those  Afghan  spears 
There  hangs  a  case  of  "Cavaliers," 
Poor  little  things  of  common  clay, 
But  records  of  a  splendid  day. 
My  ancestor — God!  save  his  name, 
Unknown  to  proud  historic  fame  I — 
Was  with  bis  fellows  smoking  those 
When  burst  on  them  a  troop  of  foes ! 
The  Roundheads  called  the  fray  a  fight, 
But  every  slaughtered  loyal  wight 
Had  died  face-front — his  pipe  alight! 

Away  with  memories  of  the  past ! 
I  sat  not  down  to  blow  this  blast, 
But  rather  to  bring  present  things 
In  touch  with  Nicotinian  rings. 
You — (not  the  "  you  "  of  other  days) — 
Have  often  bade  me  mend  my  ways. 
Well,  this  I  am  prepared  to  do, 
Provided  that  the  mender's  you. 
My  "Reina,"  will  you  deign  to  grace 
A  "  weed  "  grown  at  proverbial  pace  ? 


A  CHANGE  OF  SIDES.  —  Mr.  BEERBOHM 
TREE  last  Wednesday  spoke  his  farewell 
in  his  old  theatre  the  Haymarket,  and  in 
the  course  of  next  year  will  reappear  on 
t'other  side  of  the  road,  where  once  stood 
Her  Majesty's  Opera  House.  We  trust 
this  is  a  step  in  the  right  direction.  At 
all  events  it  is  the  transplanting  of  a 
pop'lar  Tree.  Floreat! 


WHY  is  a  miser  necessarily  an  offensive 
personage  ?  Because  he  is  too  near  to  be 
pleasant. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.— JULY  25,  1896. 


.. 


THE   BKIDE   AND  BRIDEGROOM! 


Mr.  Punch  (drinking  to  the  Princess  Maud  of  Wales  and  Prince  Charles  of  Denmark,  quotes  from  the  immortal  Bard) — 

"AND  IN  THE  CUP  AN  UNION  SHALL  HE  THROW." 

****** 

"  IMPORTING  DENMARK'S  HEALTH,  AND  ENGLAND'S  TOO  !  " 


JULY  25,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


45 


LE  MONDE  OU  L'ON  S'AMUSE. 

She.    "I   WANT  YOU   TO    COME   AND    DINE  WITH   ME,    BUT   I   SUPPOSE 
YOU  ARE  SO   MUCH   ENGAGED  JUST  NOW.      How  MANY  DEEP  ?  " 

He.   "  I  REALLY  DON'T  KNOW.     SUFFICIENT  FOR  THE  DAY  is  THE 

EVIL  THEREOF." 


THE  POLITE  PILFERER. 

["  The  brigands  were  polite  and  almost  gentlemanly.    Their  chief  was 
well  educated." — Evening  Paper.] 

MY  VERY  DEAR  SIR, — I  hope  you  will  not  be  surprised  at 
receiving  a  letter  to  which  so  suggestive  a  signature  as  the  one 
I  have  adopted  is  attached.  I  would  respectfully  remind  you 
that  in  your  youth  you  were  a  member  of  the  profession  to  which 
I  have  the  honour  to  belong.  I  think  I  may  safely  say  that  we 
both  were  ornaments  to  our  calling.  You  represented  the  old 
school  with  your  baton  and  fun,  while  I  suggest  the  new  with 
my  skeleton  keys  and  courtliness. 

I  write  to  you  to  propose  that  the  companions  of  our  frater- 
nity should  take  a  leaf  from  the  note-books  of  our  foreign  col- 
leagues, and  imitate  them  in  politeness. 

I  will  assume  that  a  successor  to  CLAUDE  DUVAL  (a  most 
charming  person,  but,  unfortunately,  of  French  origin)  wishes 
to  enter  a  house  with  a  view  to  replenishing  his  empty  coffers 
in  the  customary  fashion.  With  a  proper  regard  to  avoiding 
giving  unnecessary  trouble  to  the  servants,  he  passes  the  front 
door  without  either  ringing  the  bell  or  knocking.  Of  course, 
as  his  visit  will  be  paid  at  night,  when  the  household  will  be 
asleep,  if  he  can  come  and  go  without  attracting  attention,  so 
much  the  better.  But  should  he  be  so  unfortunate  as  to  dis- 
turb the  master  of  the  mansion,  then  he  should  show  that  he 
was  capable  of  being  as  considerate  as  businesslike. 

"Pray  do  not  be  alarmed,"  he  would  reply,  in  answer  to  a 
questien  relative  to  his  business  to  be  present ;  "  I  will  not  stay 
more  than  a  few  moments.  I  want  the  jewellery  and  the  plate, 


and  any  cash  that  may  be  lying  about.     If  you  kindly  give  me 
your  keys,  1  think  the  incident  will  pass  otf  quite  pleasantly." 

If  the  master  of  the  mansion  is  unreasonable,  and  threatens 
an  alarm,  then  the  visitor  would  have  to  adopt  a  sterner  tone. 

"Pardon  me,  but  1  think  it  only  right  to  warn  you  that  I 
carry  a  revolver.  1  would  most  reluctantly  put  you  to  personal 
inconvenience,  but  if  you  force  me  to  shoot  you  i  must." 

Then  while  the  visitor  was  searching  the  sates  and  emptying 
the  cash-box  he  might  carry  on  an  interesting  conversation  witn 
the  master  of  the  mansion,  discussing  the  rise  and  fall  of  shares, 
were  his  involuntary  host  a  stock-broker,  or  ecclesiastical  archi- 
tect if  he  happened  to  be  a  bishop. 

"  And  now  1  think  1  will  look  into  the  library,"  the  visitor 
would  say,  "and  pray  let  me  know  if  there  are  any  volumes — 
such  as  school  prizes  and  the  like — that  you  would  wish  me  to 
exempt  from  my  seizure.  Believe  me,  I  am  not  grasping,  and 
appreciate  the  claims  of  sentiment." 

Thus,  what  is  coarsely  called  "  house-breaking,"  might  be 
refined  into  a  really  inoffensive,  if  not  absolutely  pleasant,  occu- 
pation. 

And  now  I  have  to  ask  your  pardon  twice.  I  will  beg  of  you 
to  allow  me  to  conceal  my  address,  as  I  have  no  wish  to  give 
unnecessary  trouble  to  the  authorities  of  New  Scotland  Yard. 
Secondly,  I  would  apologise  for  withholding  my  real  name — as 
again  I  have  no  desire  to  put  the  police  on  the  alert.  You  will 
allow,  however,  that  the  nom  de  guerre  I  append,  if  imaginary, 
is,  at  any  rate,  refined  and  appropriate.  Yours  faithfully, 

WILLIAM  CHESTERFIELD  DE  SYKES. 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

IT  is  sad  to  think  that  Weir  of  Hermiston  (CHATTO  AND 
WINDUS)  should  be  added  to  the  list  of  works  which,  like 
Edwin  Drood,  and  the  unfinished  window  in  Aladdin's  Tower, 
unfinished  must  remain.  If  STEVENSON  had  made  choice 
of  the  moment  at  which  he  should  lay  down  his  pen, 
he  could  scarcely  have  bettered  that  to  which  the  finger  of 
Fate  pointed.  As  he  confesses  in  various  letters,  he  held  this 
last  book  to  be  his  best.  It  is  not  seemly  to  dispute  with  the 
dead,  and  the  legacy  is  rich  enough  to  gratify  any  taste.  In 
the  editorial  note  (a  difficult  piece  of  work  admirably  done)  Mr. 
SYDNEY  COL  VILE  sketches,  upon  the  authority  of  the  novelist, 
the  course  he  had  intended  the  story  should  run.  It  is  a  power- 
ful plot,  though  my  Baronite  thinks  the  conclusion  of  Archie  and 
Kirstie  marrying  after  all,  and  going  off  to  America,  common- 
place to  the  point  of  anti-climax.  Had  he  lived,  STEVENSON 
would  doubtless  have  devised  something  better  than  that. 

THE  BARON. 


AFTER  A  HUNDRED  YEARS. 

(A  Story  of  the  lost  American  Invasion.) 

RIP  woke  up  with  a  start.  He  looked  around  him,  and  found 
a  solitary  individual  watching  him. 

"  Where  am  I  ?  "  was  his  natural  question  after  his  long  rest. 

"The  same  old  place,"  was  the  quiet  reply. 

"  Dear  me !  "  said  RIP.  "  It  seems  to  me,  stranger,  that  you 
speak  the  American  language  with  a  very  English  accent." 

"  Because  I  happen  to  be  an  Englishman." 

Then  RIP  asked  after  a  number  of  his  old  friends.  He  was 
fairly  intelligent,  and  allowed  for  a  generation  or  two,  and  took 
an  interest  in  their  descendants 

"  Some  of  them  been  to  Henley !  "  he  exclaimed.  "  And  others 
to  London !  How 's  that  ?  " 

Then  the  Englishman  informed  him  that  the  Ancient  and  Hon- 
ourable Artillery  Company  of  Boston  had  joined  their  comrades, 
the  Honourable  Artillery  Company  of  London,  and  that  the  \ale 
Boys  had  been  on  the  banks  of  the  Thames 

"Then,"  concluded  the  Britisher,  "there's  an  American 
school-boy  cricketing  eleven  playing  a  series  of  matches  against 
their  cousins  on  the  European  side  of  the  Atlantic." 

"Well,  to  be  sure!"  cried  RIP.  "We  all  seem  to  be  going 
back  to  the  old  country." 

"Yes,"  acquiesced  the  stranger.  "There  are  a  tidy  number 
of  Americans  in  Great  Britain  just  now." 

"  Well,  I  shall  go  myself,"  said  RIP.     "Come  with  me." 

"  Well,  thanks,  no,"  answered  the  Englishman.  "As  all  your 
people  have  left  your  country  uncared  for,  I  may  just  as  well 
keep  an  eye  on  it  until  they  come  back  again." 

"  That 's  what  I  call  neighbourly,"  cried  RIP. 

And  so  they  parted. 


46 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  25,  1896. 


I 

(5 
UJ 

cc 


z 

UJ 


cc 

Q. 

< 


JULY  25,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


47 


ESSENCEffOF   PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THK  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

Houx  of  Commons,  Monday,  JulylS. — 
Rather  disappointed  just  now.  Things 
pretty  dull  in  House.  Even  CAWMELL- 
BANNIIRMAN  can't  endow  debate  on  Scotch 
Rating  Bill  with  gleam  of  fancy  or  glow  of 
humour.  Does  his  best.  Makes  House 
once  more  regret  he  takes  so  little  part  in 
debate.  Conies  in  "  only  as  a  Uitlander," 
as  he  said,  the  other  night. 

"Fatal  mistake  about  CAWMBLL- 
BANNERMAN — at  least,  as  far  as  House 
and  country  concerned  —  is,"  says  SARK, 
"  that  he  is  too  well  off.  If  he  'd  been 
brought  up  on  a  pound  a  week,  and  had  to 
earn  whatever  more  was  wanted,  he  would 
have  been  Prime  Minister  to-day." 

That  not  the  particular  disappointment 
of  moment.  Custom  long  worn  off  its 
edge.  It's  R.  G.  WEBSTER  who  has  put 
me  out.  Looked  forward  this  afternoon 
to  cup  of  tea  with  him  on  Terrace,  a  ci- 
garette, and  a  soul-lifting  conversation. 
But  RICHARD  GRANT  has  other  fish  to  fry. 
Has  for  some  time  had  the  Navy  in  his 
eye ;  taken  note  of  inadequacy  of  men  to 
ships. 

"The  dockyards,"  as  he  epigrammati- 
cally  puts  it,  "  can  mak'  a  belted  ship,  a 
Magnificent,  a  Majestic,  and  a'  that. 
But  they  can't  make  a  crew." 

Wandering  about  the  wharves  and  docks 
of  East  St.  Pancras,  meditating  on  the 
Gathering  of  ships  under  all  flags  that  fill 
its  courts  and  by-ways,  the  distinguished 
Member  dreamed  a  dream.  Its  main 
feature  was  an  apparently  endless  com- 
pany of  trained  blue-jackets,  a  hundred 
thousand  strong  at  least,  who,  by  the 
magic  of  a  short  service  system  were  ready 
to  man  more  ships  than  could  be  built 
at  Chatham  Dockyard,  even  when  CHARLIE 
BERESFORD  was  in  command.  At  question 
time,  to-night,  R.  G.  asked  JOKIM  what 
he  thought  of  it. 

"If,"  answered  JOKIM,  evidently  struck 
by  prospect,  "the  hon.  Member  will  draw 
up  a  scheme  by  which  a  thoroughly  com- 
petent reserve  may  be  provided  at  a  very 
slight  additional  cost,  and  without  im- 
pairing the  efficiency  of  the  regular  Navy, 
I shall  be  glad  to  consider  it." 

There  spoke  the  cautious  official,  the 
nrim  First  Lord  of  the  Admiralty,  with  the 
ligatures  of  red  tape  drawing  in  his  shapely 
waist.  House  laughed,  but  R.  G.  not 
discomfited. 

"I'll  dp  it,"  he  said.  "As  CARNOT  or- 
ganised victory  for  France,  so  shall  R.  G. 
WEBSTER  reorganise  the  Navy  for  Great 
Britain.  TOMMY  BOWLES  thinks  he  knows 
a  hand-saw  from  a  marline-spike.  I 
frankly  admit  I  don't.  But  I  '11  let  them 
see  that  I  have  in  me  the  re-making  of 
the  British  Navy.  So  if  you  '11  excuse  me, 
dear  TOBY,  we'll  take  a  cup  of  tea  to- 
gether on  another  occasion.  I  would  now 
be  alone  with  my  thoughts." 

Business  don«.— Second  reading  Scotch 
Rating  Bill. 

Tuesday.  —  In  Parliamentary  relations 
there  is  no  circumstance  under  which 
racial  supremacy  of  Irish  is  more  tri- 
umphantly asserted  than  when  a  Bill  is  to 
be  obstructed.  They  sowed  the  seed 
through  ten  years  following  1875 ;  but  all 
cannot  grow  the  flower  now.  The  Welsh 
have  tried  it ;  so  have  the  English.  To- 
night the  Scots  are  at  it.  All  by  com- 
parison fail. 

Scotch  Members  resolved  to  prevent 
Rating  Bill  passing  this  Session.  Situa- 
tion complicated  by  circumstance  that 


"GENTLEMEN,  I  AM  READY  TO  ADMIT  THAT  HIS  CAREER  IN  THE  TAST  HAS  NOT  BKEN 

FREE  FROM   BLEMISH " 


Government  offer  them  with  Bill 
£200,000.  Thing  to  do  is  to  take  the 
bawbees  and  leave  the  Bill.  Inspired  by 
this  noble  aim,  Scotch  Members  close  up 
their  ranks ;  number  off  every  man,  with 
a  speech  in  his  knapsack.  That  was  just 
what  the  Irish  Members  used  to  do  in 
palmy  days  under  PARNBLL,  when  chuckle 
of  JOSEPH  GILLIB  BIOOAR  echoed  through 
the  Chamber.  The  speeches  are,  more- 
over, excellent,  full  of  pith  and  point. 
But  somehow  the  thing  won't  work.  Scene 
last  night  and  to-night  recalls  an  episode 
in  the  home  life  of  the  earlier  Prince 
ARTHUR : — 

When  MERLIN  sang  in  ARTHUR'S  hull 

A  week  on  end,  with  metrical 

Exactness,  his  phenomenal 
Insistence  did  the  knights  appnl : 

They  yawned  over  more  and  more. 

So  with  us  when  Scotch  Member  succeeds 
to  brither  Scot. 

Our  PRINCE  ARTHUR,  out  of  luck  of  late, 
has  had  one  stroke  of  good  fortune. 
Through  these  two  nights  of  Scotch  de- 
bate he  has  been  in  grip  of  influenza 
fiend.  Other  Members,  whom  fickle  for- 
tune has  overlooked,  take  the  law  into 


their  own  hands,  and  stop  away.  The 
Terrace  thronged ;  House  almost  empty. 
Lord  Advocate,  soothed  by  RENSHAW'S 
monologue,  goes  to  sleep  on  Treasury 
Bench.  Rather  dangerous  position  in 
circumstances.  His  sole  companion 
Solicitor-General  for  Scotland.  All  right 
if  falling  over  in  his  sleep  he  chances  to 
bend  to  the  right.  There  FINLAY'S  stal- 
wart shoulders  will  obstruct  his  fall.  On 
other  side,  space  of  emptiness.  But  trust 
a  Lord  Advocate  to  know  what  he 's  about. 
Taking  in  situation  at  a  glance,  GRAHAM 
MURRAY  flung  right  arm  along  Bench  to 
right.  A  slight  influence,  but  sufficient 
to  determine  side  on  which  his  still  youth- 
ful figure,  lapped  in  sleep,  would  fall. 
Ruse  succeeded  admirably.  He  bumped 
Solicitor-General  occasionally.  But  House 
spared  pain  of  discovering  Lord  Advocate, 
by  sudden  lurch,  prone  on  Treasury  Bench, 
what  time  debate  was  going  forward  on 
second  reading  of  many-syllabled  Rating 
Bill. 

Business  done. — Scotch  Rating  Bill  read 
second  time. 

Thursday. — GERALD  BALFOUR  going  to 
spend  his  holiday  in  County  Clare,  a  por 


48 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  25,  1896. 


tion  of  Ireland  always  invested  with  pe- 
culiar interest  for  the  wandering  Saxon. 
Years  ago,  Sir  PAT  O'BRIEN,  now  gathered 
to  his  fathers  among  the  earlier  kings  of 
Ireland,  alluded  to  an  hon.  Member  oppo- 
site as  "  the  young  sea  serpent  from 
County  Clare."  SPEAKER  objected  on 
point  of  order.  "Then;  Sir,"  said  PAT, 
with  gracious  wave  of  his  hand,  "  I  with- 
draw the  sea  serpent." 

In  later  Parliaments,  County  Clare 
maintains  its  pre-eminence  of  peculiarity 
by  continuing  to  send  WILLIE  REDMOND 
to  Westminster.  To-night  more  is  heard 
of  County  Clare,  deepening  Chief  Secre- 
tary's interest  in  his  forthcoming  visit. 
It  appears  that  through  vast  tracts  of  the 
country  is  upheaved  a  backbone  of  rock 
on  which  famishing  cattle  graze,  off  which 
a  starving  peasantry  scrape  the  mere 
crumbs  of  a  living.  To-night  in  Com- 
mittee on  Irish  Land  Bill  TIM  HEALY 
moves  amendment  designed  to  obtain  for 
those  grim  wastes,  locally  known  as  crag 
or  mountain  farms,  such  benefits  as  the 
Bill  confers.  Attorney-General  for  Ire- 
land put  up  to  answer  TIM  with  legally 
phrased  non  possumus.  It 's  all  a  matter 
of  intention,  he  argued.  If  a  crag  farm 
be  let  for  pasture  purposes,  it  will,  ipso 
facto,  come  within  scope  of  the  Bill.  If 
not,  it  is  already  excluded.  "  All  a  mat- 
ter of  intention,"  he  repeated. 

"  What ! "  cried  TIM,  in  tone  of  magni- 
ficent scorn,  going,  as  usual,  straight  to 
heart  of  matter,  piercing  trappings  of 
legal  subtlety,  "does  the  hon.  and  learned 
gentleman  mean  to  say  that  any  one 
intended  to  be  born  in  County  Clare? 

Committee  broke  into  quick  burst  of 
laughter  at  the  quaint  fancy  underlying 
this  flash  of  humour,  with  its  picture  of 
the  unborn  babe  surveying  Ireland,  de- 
bating with  itself  whether  it  would  be 
born  in  County  Clare,  or  whether  it  would 
favour  some  other  locality.  The  Member 
for  Sark,  who  chances  to  be  in  grave 
mood,  says  the  conversation,  interpolated 
for  a  few  minutes  in  a  long  night  of 
wrangling,  shows  afresh  how  close  are  the 
sources  of  tears  and  laughter.  To  his 
mind,  nothing  has  brought  home  more 
sharply  the  hopeless  difficulty  of  the  Irish 
question  than  this  limelight  view,  mo- 
mentarily cast  on  walls  of  House  of  Com- 
mons, of  the  crag  farms  of  cruet  County 
Clare,  a  district  of  which  Cromwellian 
settlers  bitterly  said  it  had  not  wood 
enough  to  hang  a  man  withal,  water 
enough  to  drown  him,  or  earth  enough  to 
bury  him. 

business  done. — In  Committee  on  Irish 
Land  Bill. 

Friday. — Another  night  with  Ireland. 
Proceedings  disclosed  fresh  injustice  to 
that  hapless  country.  As  TIM  HEALY  was 
discussing  Education  Vote  his  eye  acci- 
dentally fell  on  figure  of  CORPORAL  HAN- 
BTTRY,  half  asleep  on  Treasury  Bench  op- 
posite. Occurred  to  him  he  would  call 
him  "  BARABBAS."  No  particular  reason 
why  he  should ;  but  name  came  to  his 
lips  ;  so  he  out  with  it. 

What  does  Chairman  do  but  call  him  to 
order ! 

TIM,  above  all  things  logical,  poses 
Chairman  with  question.  "The  Secre- 
tary for  the  Colonies,"  he  said,  "was 
allowed  to  call  Mr.  GLADSTONE  'HEROD.' 
Why  should  I  not  call  Mr.  HANBTIRY 
'  BARABBAS  '  ?  " 

Why  not?  Or,  to  put  it  in  another 
way,  why  should  he?  Chairman,  at  loss 
for  answer  on  same  strictly  logical  lines, 
took  refuge  in  authority.  Insisted  TIM 


should  withdraw  "  BARABBAS,"  which  after 
a  struggle  he  did.  But  the  whole  thing 
showed  how  uneven-handed  is  justice  in 
House  of  Commons,  how  there  is  one  law 
for  rich  England  and  another  for  poor 
Ireland. 

Business    done.  —  Irish    votes    in   Com- 
mittee. 


The  D-ke  of  D-v-nsh-re  during  the  reading  of 
the  M-rq-s  of  H-rt-ngt-n's  speeches. 


SCIENCE  AT  SEA. 

[Report  of  higher  viva  voce  examination  for  rank 
of  master.] 

SCENE — Examination  Room  ;  high,  long,  dirty 
windoios  ;  smell  of  ancient  whitewash  ;  Ex- 
aminers at  green-baize  table  consult  conflict- 
ing notes  ;  solitary  chair  posing  in  centre  ; 
pale  clock  ticking  laboriously.  Enter  sud- 
denly astute  yonth,  broad  chest,  broad  face, 
broad  boots.  Examiners  hastily  conceal  notes 
and  reflect  with  much  gravity. 

Senior  Examiner  (sternly,  to  astute 
youth).  You  wish,  I  understand,  Sir,  to  be 
further  examined  —  (pompously) — for  the 
higher  posts  of  your  profession  ? 

Astute  Candidate  (acquiring  chair). 
That  is  so. 

8.  E.  (wisely).  Ah!  Well  —  er — (con- 
sulting notes)— you  are  steaming  ten  knots, 
head  to  wind — er,  on  the  port  tack,  that 
is — when  suddenly,  as  the  fog  lifts,  you 
see  a  large  rock,  right  a-head.  What  do 
you  do  ? 

A.  C.  I  should  stop  the  engines. 

S.  E.  Yes.  (Acutely.)  But  suppose 
the  engines  are  unmanageable,  and  will 
not  stop? 

A.  C.  (hesitatingly).  Oh!  well,  in  that 
case,  I  should  of  course  instantly  with- 
draw my  previous  order  and  allow  them 
to — er — continue  to  revolve  ! 

[Examiners  smile  approvingly. 

S.  E.  Precisely.  That  is  a  clever  an- 
swer. But  remember  you  are  nearing  the 
rock;  what  will  be  the  next  order? 

A    d.  (wildly).  Hard-a-port. 

X.  E.  Why  a-port  ? 

Second  Examiner  (waking  up,  sud- 
de.nhj).  Why  not? 

S.  E.  (hurriedly,  glaring  at  Second 
Examiner).  Oh! — er — yes;  hard-a-port ; 
quile  so,  exactly.  But  your  rudder,  at 
this  juncture,  unfortunately  becomes  im- 
moveable  ;  what  then  ? 

A.  C.  Well,  then— (hedging)—  I  should 
endeavour  to  do  my  duty  by  acting  as  cir- 
cumstances might  dictate. 

N.  E.  Bearing  in  mind ? 

A.  C.  That  by  every  effort  in  my 
power  I  must  endeavour  to  avoid  the 
rock. 

S.  E.  Do  you  then  consider  that,  under 
the  circumstances,  there  would  be  the 
smallest  chance  of  your  being  able  to 
effect  this  ? 

A.   C.   (decidedly).  Not  the  slightest. 


S.  E.  That  is  very  good.  You  seem  to 
have  entirely  mastered  the  situation. 
You  run,  then,  on  to  the  rock.  What 
will  be  your  next  duty  ? 

A.  C.    To  close  the  water-tight  doors. 

S.  E.  Why  do  this  ? 

A.  C.  To  keep  the  water  in. 

8.  E.  In? 

A.  C.  Exactly  so. 

S.  E.  (sarcastically).  In  what? 

A.  C.  (promptly).  In  the  sea. 

S.  E.  What  would  chiefly  impel  you  to 
take  this  course? 

A.  C.  My  knowledge  of  physics,  which 
teaches  me  that  no  body  of  water,  how- 
ever large,  can  be  in  more  than  one 
place  at  one  time. 

S.  E.  How  would  this  knowledge  influ- 
ence your  action  ? 

A.  C.  It  would  confirm  me  in  the  be- 
lief that  if  the  water  were  kept  in  the 
sea  it  could  not  at  the  same  time  be  in 
the  ship. 

S.  E.  A  water-tight  door,  then,  is 
never  regarded  as  having  kept  water  out  ? 

A.  C.  Never  among  seamen. 

S.  E.  And  the  theory  that  water-tight 
doors  are  useful  for  keeping  water  out 
may  be  regarded  as  exploded? 

A.  C.  Entirely. 

S.  E.  Ah !  that  is  very  satisfactory. 
(Pause.)  Well,  now,  Sir,  suppose  you  are 
in  a  sailing  vessel  that  will  neither  wear 
nor  stay,  on  a  lee-shore  in  a  gale  of  wind. 
What  would  you  do? 

A.  C.  Let  go  an  anchor. 

•S'.  E.  But  your  cable  parts ;  what  would 
you  do  then  ? 

A.  C.  Let  go  another  anchor. 

S.  E.  But  the  bottom  is  rocky,  and  you 
find  no  holding  ground  ;  what  then  ? 

A.  C.  (rising  slowly  from  his  chair).  I 
should  then  endeavour  to  compose  my- 
self to  sleep. 

S.  E.  (hard  on  scent,  and  not  notwny 
movement).  But,  owing  to  the  noise  occa- 
sioned by  the  storm  and  the  excessive 
motion  of  the  vessel,  you  find  that  you 
cannot  sleep.  What  would  you  do? 

A.  C.  (desperately,  and  backing  out  of 
room).  Sing  a  little  hymn. 

S.  E.  But,  my  dear  young  Sir,  your 
anguish  of  mind  is  such  that  you  cannot 
even  remember  a  little  hymn.  What 
would  you  do  then? 

A.  C.  (disappearing  through  door).  Let 
her  go  ashore  and  be  d d. 

S.  E.  But  suppose 'M,  thank  you. 

That  is  very  satisfactory  indeed. 

[Scene  closes. 
Mem. — Full  marlcs. 


"A  BOON  AND  A  BLESSING." — It  is  well 
known  to  all  readers  of  DICKENS  that 
"  Todgers's  could  do  it  when  it  liked,"  and 
so  can  the  L.  C.  &  D.  line  when  it  is 
really  in  earnest  about  whisking  the  jaded 
Londoner  down  to  Ramsgate,  dropping 
passengers  at  important  intermediate 
Cations,  as  it  now  does  by  starting  from 
Holborn  at  5.10,  St.  Paul's  at  5.12,  and 
reaching  the  breezy  coast  at  the  sensible 
hour  of  7.5,  punctually,  giving  landsman 
and  yachtsman  ample  time  for  a  stroll 
before  dinner  at  8.  This  is  doing  us  all  a 
erood  "  Service,"  and  one  which  should 
bring  in  "L.  S.  D."  to  the  "L.  C.  &  D." 


MUSICAL  AND  PHILOSOPHICAL.  —  Among 
the  first  pieces  played  by  the  Austro- 
Hungarian  Orchestra  was  SMETANA'S  Der 
Kuss  (The  Kiss).  It  needs  no  German  to 
tell  us  that  "  the  kiss  "  is  not  infrequently 
looked  back  upon  as  "the  kuss." 


AUGUST  1,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


49 


L'ART    D'ETRE    PETIT-FILS. 

GRANDPA,  DEAR— IF  I  WERE  YOU  I  'D  SAY  '  THAT  BOY  LOOKS  THIN  AND  PALE  ! '  AND 
I  'D  GET  HIM  A  PONY.' 


REAL  HOLIDAY  THOUGHTS. 

IN  A  RAILWAY  CARRIAGE 

PREPOSTEROUS  of  guard  to  put  more 
than  one  person  in  a  second-class  car- 
riage in  weather  like  this.  Yet  if  I  had 
tipped  him,  he  would  have  locked  it  like 
a  shot.  Railway  company  ought  to  nut 
down  such  bare-faced  corruption.  Rather 
wish  I  had  tipped  him,  now. 

Anyhow,  it  is  consoling  to  think  that 
my  Gladstone  bag,  on  the  seat  beside  me 
— and  which  I  shall  not  move  —  makes 
that  jackass  who  has  just  got  in  tho- 
roughly uncomfortable. 

My  moral  right  to  turn  an  ordinary 
ccmpartment  into  a  private  saloon  car- 
riage would  be  recognised  by  every  tra- 
veller who  was  really  a  gentleman. 

Why  that  selfish,  long-legged  idiot 
opposite  me,  who  looks  like  a  half-starved 
"  scorcher,"  won't  keep  his  splay  feet 
under  his  seat  so  as  to  allow  me  room  to 
stretch  my  legs,  I  can't  imagine. 

Papers  are  cheap,  so  I  shan't  offer  that 
consumptive-looking  female  in  the  corner 
one  of  mine.  She  should  get  one  for  her- 
self. 

Wish  I  hadn't  accepted  this  invitation 
to  those  stupid  bores,  my  Folkestone 
cousins,  for  a  "  fortnight  at  the  sea-side." 
They  ought  to  be  jolly  grateful  for  my 
condescension  in  visiting  them. 

In  going  through  that  long  tunnel,  I  of 
course  put  up  my  window,  but  people  at 
other  end  left  theirs  open !  Lazy  smoke- 
cured  pigs ! 

By  her  movements  I  am  positive  that 
the  lady  with  all  the  packages  is  going  to 
get  out  at  the  next  station.  Must  be 


deeply  occupied  with  a  leading  article,  or 
I  shall  be  obliged  to  soil  my  hands  and 
make  myself  still  hotter  by  opening  the 
door  for  her. 

The  corner  youth  has  brought  put  sand- 
wiches and  a  flask !  Why  can't  his  master 
arrange  to  keep  him  at  school  all  the  holi- 
days— with  canings  twice  a  day?  What 
humbug  it  is  giving  boys  any  holidays! 

Guard  (the  beast !)  has  shoved  in  a  rank 
third-classer  at  last  moment  1  I  admire  the 
democracy  in  the  abstract,  of  course,  but 
that  does  not  prevent  my  thinking  them 
loathsome  and  disgusting  nuisances  in  the 
concrete.  Thank  heaven!  He  has  taken 
his  seat  next  to  the  consumptive  female, 
not  to  me. 

(At  the  end.)  How  completely  incon- 
siderate it  was  of  any  of  the  people  who 
have  been  my  travelling  companions  to 
day  ever  coming  into  existence  at  all ! 


Con.  for  a  Cricketer. 

Miss  NELLY   sits  cool  in   the   cricketer's 

booth, 

And  watches  the  game,  about  which,  in 
good  sooth, 

Her  curious  interest  ne'er  ceases. 
She  now  wants  to  know  of  the  flannel- 
clad  youth, 

However   the    wickets   can   well  be    kept 
smooth, 

When  she  hears  they  are  always 
in  creases! 


NOTE  BY  OUR  MAN  OUT  OF  TOWN.— 
Watering  places — resorts  where  the  visi- 
tor is  pumped  dry. 


SPORTIYE  SONGS. 

A  Aian-about-  Town  is  enthralled  by  a  Clergy- 
man's Daughter  at  a  Country  Ftte. 

FOR  me  no  damsel  prone  to  frown 

On  simple  manners,  country  ways, 
Whose  chief  delight  is  life  in  Town, 

And  Bond  Street  goal  of  all  her  days  1 
Whose  knowledge  of  all  sylvan  scenes 

Is  bounded  by  the  Goodwood  boughs, 
And  deems  seafaring  pleasure  means 

To  lounge  upon  the  Lawn  at  Cowes. 

Give  me  the  girl  bred  up  like  you, 

Beneath  a  Rectory's  peaceful  shade, 
With  many  friends,  yet  known  to  few, 

The  model  of  an  English  maid ! 
Demure,  not  prim,  beloved  by  all, 

By  instinct  good,  by  nature  kind, 
The  belle  of  every  county  ball, 

Yet  dear  to  every  village  hind ! 

How  quaint  to  watch  your  artless  airs 
_  When  circled  round  by  ardent  swains ! 
Your  modesty  disarms  their  stares, 

Their  compliments  are  empty  strains ! 
I  do  not  blame  their  boorish  bliss, 

'Tis  meet  that  such  a  farce  should  be, 
Since  I've  the  greatest  joy  in  this — 

Your  sweetest  smiles  are  kept  for  me ! 
Too  well,  Blue  Eyes,  I  understand 

The  glances  from  those  bashful  orbs. 
You're  treading  on  a  sinking  sand 

That  quakes  and  shivers,  then  absorbs. 
Ah!  little  innocent,  too  late 

The  truth  you  '11  know,  but  never  rue. 
I  vow  I  cannot  overrate 

The  interest  I  take  in  you. 

"What  Jones!"  (a  brutal  Army  thing). 

i(  "  So  glad !  "  (of  him  I  hate  the  sight). 

lesl  come  to  hear  FLO  FANTAIL  sing 

Miss  Peccadillo's  Last  Good  Night!' 
"Which  is  the  songstress?"    "There  she 

is! 
Not    seen  her?    Why,    she's    all    the 

rage ! " 

"  That  lady  there  ?  "    "  Yes  I  A  1  biz." 
"A  parson's  daughter  on  the  stage!" 


Avis  AUX  VOYAGEURS.— In  anticipation 
of  the  installation  of  the  Premier  as  Lord 
Warden  of  the  Cinque  Ports,  the  Hotel 
at  Dover,  named  after  this  puissant  ma- 
rine official,  has  been  renovated,  beauti- 
fied, done  up  entirely,  and  thus  saved 
from  being  "done  up "  altogether,  by  the 
Gordon  Hollanders  (Limited).  The  Mes- 
sieurs HOLLAND — the  amiable  pair  repre- 
senting nominally  the  Double  Dutchmen 
— are  now  in  command  of  the  coast  at 
Margnto,  Dover,  and,  for  ought  we  know, 
several  other  points.  Of  course,  the  chiei 
cook  in  each  of  their  seaside  hotels  is  a 
Gordon  Bleu- 

A  POSSIBLE  CHANGE  OF  NAME. 

[It  is  stated  that  during  Goodwood  "Week 
Chichester  becomes  the  rendez-vous  of  the  worst 
scoundrels  in  the  kingdom.] 

SHAME  that  this  old  cathedral  town 
Should  swarm  with  rogues,   who  come 

to  pester  1 
'Twould  ill  become  its  fair  renown 

If     Chichester     were      dubbed     Cheat- 
chester. 


MOTTO    FOR    A    FLAGELLATING    SCHOOL- 
MASTER.— Semper  hidem. 


A   ROYAL   GRANT.— The   Secretary  of 
the  R.  Y.  S. 


50 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  1,  1896. 


DOCTOR    BISMARCK. 

The  Doctor.  "HUM  !    LOOKS  NICE  !    BUT 1  'VE  GOT  NO  PATIENTS  trow." 

["  Prince  BISMARCK  has  been  made  Doctor  Medicinse  Honoris  CausS.  by  the  University  of  Jena.."— Daily  Papers.] 


AUGUST  1,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


51 


OVER    THE    TRACES. 


Mrs.  Pogers.  "Now  THEN,  PETER,  JUMP  OUT  AND  PUT  THAT  TRACE  AND  REIN  RIGHT  !    LOOK  SHARP,  TOO!" 

[Peter  wishes  to  goodness  he  had  bought  his  Wife  an  Autocar  instead  of  that  tricky  Tandem. 


WORK  AND  WAGES. 

(Some  Thoughts  mi  Patriotism,  Poverty,  and  Pay,  suggested  by  the  pitiful 
story  of  Mary  Quid,  of  Peckham.) 

["  I  have  to  buy  my  own  material  and  pay  my  fare  (2d.)  in  fetching  and 
carrying  back  work.  I  worked  till  ten  o'clock  at  night  from  Saturday  to 
Thursday,  and  at  $d.  per  coat  earned  3s." — Evidence  of  Mary  Ould,  of 
Peckham,  tailoress,  before  Judge  Emden  at  Lambeth  County  Court.] 


MOST  learned  economists,  sages  serene, 

Who  enlighten  the  State  on  Supply  and  Demand, 
Such  facts  form  a  fine  object  lesson,  which  seen, 

And  fairly  thought  out,  may  astonish  the  land ; 
Your  fine-spun  abstractions  a  sedative  prove 

To  such  as  can  scarce  see  the  thing  through  the  sign  ; 
But  flesh-and-blood  facts  rather  roughly  remove 

The  idea  that  your  "  law  "  is  scarce  less  than  divine. 
Ninepence  a  dozen,  three  farthings  per  coat, 

For  buttonhole  work  which  may  take  you  an  hour 
For  each  garment  1     It  fetches  a  lump  to  the  throat — 

Unless  stern-faced  Science  has  rendered  you  dour. 
Picture  the  place  out  at  Peckham  where  sits 

That  poor  MARY  OULD  with  her  needle  and  thread  ! 
She  must  envy  the  fly  which  at  liberty  flits  ; 

She  must  envy  the  darksome  repose  of  the  dead. 
The  clothes-maker  "  has  to  cut  things  very  fine," 

And  fine  does  he  cut  them  in  truth,  and,  indeed, 
As  fine  as  the  almost  invisible  line 

Between  death  and  such  life  as  the  needle-slaves  lead. 
Conceive  the  dull  room  and  the  piled  tale  of  work 

To  be  drudged  at  all  day,  slowly  lessening  down 
As  the  morning  glow  fades  into  evening's  grey  murk  ; 

And  five  days  of  such  labour  may  earn — half-a-crown  I 
And  these  are  the  coats  worn  in  "  JAMESON'S  Raid  "  1 

^Glory  to-day  must  be  gained  "  on  the  cheap." 
Like  "heroes"  we  fight — in  the  interests  of  trade. 

And  trade  pays  its  servants  like  this  1     Blood  will  leap 
To  the  cheek  at  the  thought  that  our  soldiers  are  clad 


At  the  cost  of  our  white  woman-slaves  in  such  way. 
With  patriot  fervour  the  idle  go  mad, 

Sleek  wealth  does  the  shouting,  poor  toilers  the  pay  I 
Short  sighted  sentiment  vainly  essays 

With  rose-water  sprinkling  to  sweeten  foul  lives. 
Life  is  not  moulded  by  lyrical  lays, 

Compassion  with  commerce  half  hopelessly  strives. 
But  is  there  no  heart  in  old  England  rebels 

Against  starving  our  toilers  to  feed  full  our  glory  ? 
There 's  surely  no  patriot  bosom  but  swells 

With  anger  and  grief  at  poor  MART  OTJLD'S  story. 


PLAYING  WITH  COLD  WATER. 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH, — May  I  make  a  suggestion?  During  the 
hot  weather,  why  should  not  those  of  Our  dramatic  companies 
still  sojourning  in  London  remove  from  their  present  quarters 
to  the  swimming  baths  ?  There  would  be  plenty  of  room  to  rig 
up  a  stage,  and  the  audience,  appropriately  garbed,  might 
watch  the  performance  from  the  tank.  When  a  play  became 
wearisome  the  spectators  could  take  a  dive,  but  plunges,  of 
course,  would  only  be  allowed  between  the  acts.  Yours 
sincerely,  A  PITITH  IN  A  MELTING  MOOD. 

p.g. — With  the  thermometer  at  ninety  something  in  the  shade, 
I  may  insist  that  only  managers  need  keep  their  heads  above 
water. 

THE  MAIL  SERVICE  TO  NEW  YORK. — The  New  York  corre- 
spondent of  the  Times  takes  the  British  Post  Office  officials  to 
task  for  sending  mails  by  slow  boat  Britannic  when  "the  St. 
Paul  would  have  delivered  them  two  days  earlier."  Evidently 
the  St.  Paul  ought  to  be  the  boat  for  carrying  "  epistles." 


PRINCE  BISMARCK  has  been  made  "  Doctor  Medicinse  Honoris 
Causa"  by  the  University  of  Jena.  Will  he  now  be  called  on 
by  prescriptive  right  to  advise  the  Emperor  as  to  the  "  Diet "  ? 


52 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  1,  1896. 


JOTTINGS    AND    TITTLINGS. 

(BY  BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO  JABBERJEE,  B.A.) 
No.  XIX. 

Mr.  Jabberjee  tries  a  fresh  tack.     His  visit  to  the  India  Office  and 
sympathetic  reception. 

IN  my  last  I  had  the  honour  to  report  the  total  non-success  of 
my  endeavour  to  nill  my  betrothal  on  plea  of  astrological  ob- 


"  Pitch  it  strong,  my  respectable  Sir.' 


jections,  and  how  I  was  consequentially  up  the  tree  of  Embarrass- 
ment. 

I  have  since  resolved  that  honesty  is  my  best  politics,  and  have 
confessed  to  Miss  MANKLETOW  in  a  well-expressed  curt  letter 
that  I  am  only  the  possessor  of  a  courtesy  title,  and,  so  far  from 
rolling  on  the  rosy  bed  of  unlimited  rhino,  am  out  of  elbows, 
and  dependent  upon  parental  remittances  for  pin-money. 

For  corroboration  of  said  statements  I  begged  to  refer  her 
politely  to  my  benevolent  friend  and  patron,  Hon'ble  Sir 
CUMMERBUND,  Nevern  Square,  South  Kensington;  to  whom  I 
simultaneously  wrote  a  private  and  confidential  note,  instructing 
him  that  if  any  young  female  person  was  to  inquire  particulars 
of  my  birth,  origin,  &c.,  he  was  to  tell  the  truth,  the  whole 
truth,  and  nothing  but  the  truth,  especially  making  it  clear 
that  I  was  neither  a  tip-top  Rajah,  nor  a  Leviathan  of  filthy 
lucre. 

The  rest  (up  to  present  date)  is  silence ;  but  I  have  confident 
hopes  that  the  manly,  straightforward  stratagem  suggested  by 


my  friend,  young  HOWARD,  will  accomplish  the  job,  and  pro- 
cure me  the  happy  release. 

I  am  now  to  pass  to  a  different  subject — to  wit,  a  visit  I  paid 
some  time  since  to  the  India  Office.  The  why  of  the  wherefore 
was  that,  in  conversation  with  the  ALLBTJTT-!NNETTS,  I  had 
boasted  freely  of  the  credit  I  was  in  with  certain  high  grade 
India  Offici.,1  nobs,  who  could  refuse  me  nothing. 

Which  was  hitherto  the  positive  fact,  since  I  had  never  re- 
quested any  favour  at  their  hands. 

But  Mrs.  ALLBUTT-INNETT  stated  that  she  had  heard  that  the 
reception-soirees  at  said  India  Office  were  extremely  enjoyable 
and  classy,  and  inquired  whether  I  possessed  sufficient  influence 
to  obtain  for  her  tickets  of  admission  to  one  of  these  select 
entertainments. 

Naturally  I  had  to  reply  that  I  could  indubitably  do  the  trick, 
and  would  at  once  proceed  to  the  India  Office  and  interview  one 
of  the  senior  clerks,  who  regarded  me  as  his  brother. 

So,  after  procuring  a  Whitaker  Almanack,  and  hunting  up  the 
name  of  one  of  the  most  senior,  I  cabbed  to  Whitehall.  Inside 
the  entrance  I  found  an  attendant  sitting  at  a  table  absorbed 
in  reading,  who  rose  and  inquired  my  business,  and  upon  my 
statement  that  I  desired  to  see  Mr.  BREAKWATER,  Esq.,  on 
urgont  business,  courteously  directed  me  up  a  marble  staircase, 
at  the  top  of  which  was  a  second  attendant,  also  engaged  in 
brow  a  study — for  the  attendants  appear  to  be  laudably  addicted 
to  the  cultivation  of  their  minds. 

He  informed  me  that  I  should  find  Mr.  BREAKWATER'S  room 
down  a  certain  corridor,  and  proceeding  thither,  I  stopped  a 
clerk  who  was  hurrying  along  with  his  hands  full  of  documents, 
and  represented  that  I  had  come  for  an  immediate  interview 
with  Mr.  BREAKWATER  on  highly  important  matters. 

He  demanded  incredulously  whether  Mr.  BREAKWATER  ex- 
pected me. 

This  elevated  my  monkey,  and  I  retorted,  haughtily,  that  I 
was  the  bosom  friend  of  said  Mr.  B.,  who  would  be  overjoyed 
to  receive  me,  and,  following  him  into  a  room,  I  peremptorily 
demanded  that  he  should  inform  his  master  without  fail  that 
Baboo  JABBERJEE  was  there. 

Whereupon,  with  the  nonchalance  of  a  Jack  in  an  office,  he 
rang  a  bell  and  desired  an  attendant  to  usher  me  to  the  waiting- 
room. 

There,  in  a  large  gloomy  apartment,  surrounded  by  portraits 
of  English  and  Native  big  pots,  I  did  sit  patiently  sucking  the 
golden  nob  of  my  umbrella  for  a  quarter  of  an  hour,  until  the 
attendant  returned,  saying,  that  Mr.  BREAKWATER  could  see  me 
now,  and  presently  showed  me  into  the  aforesaid  private  room, 
where,  behind  a  large  table  covered  with  wicker  baskets  con- 
taining dockets  and  memoranda,  et  hoc  genus  omne,  sat  the  very 
gentleman  whom  I  had  recently  taken  for  his  own  underling ! 

Formerly  I  should  have  proffered  abject  excuses,  but  I  am 
now  sufficiently  up  in  British  observances  to  know  that  the  only 
necessary  is  a  frank  and  breezy  apology. 

So,  disguising  my  bashful  confusion,  I  said,  "  I  am  awfully 
sorry  that  I  took  you,  my  dear  old  chap,  for  a  common  ordinary 
fellow  ;  but  remember  the  proverb,  that  '  appearances  are  deceit- 
ful,' and  do  not  reveal  a  thin  skin  about  a  rather  natural 
mistake." 

Mr.  BREAKWATER  courteously  entreated  me  not  to  mention 
the  affair,  but  to  state  my  business  briefly.  Accordingly  I 
related  how  I  was  a  native  Bengalee  student,  at  present  moving 
Heaven  and  Earth  to  pass  Bar  Exam,  and  my  intimate  connec- 
tion with  the  distinguished  Bayswater  family  of  the  ALLBTJTT- 
INNETTS,  who  were  consumed  with  longing  for  free  tickets 
to  an  official  soiree.  I  then  described  the  transcendent  charms 
of  Miss  WEE-WEE,  and  my  own  ardent  desire  to  obtain  her 
grateful  recognition  by  procuring  the  open  sesame  for  self  and 
friends.  Furthermore,  I  pointed  out  that,  as  an  official  in  the 
India  Offire,  he  was  in  loco  parentis  to  myself,  and  bound  to 
indulge  all  my  reasonable  requests,  and  I  assured  him  that  if 
he  exhibited  generosity  on  this  occasion,  the  entire  ALLBTJTT- 
INNETT  family,  self  included,  would  ever  pray  on  the  crooked 
hinges  of  knees  for  his  temporal  and  spiritual  welfare. 

He  heard  me  benignantly,  but  said  he  regretted  that  it  was 
not  in  his  power  to  oblige  me. 

"You  are  not  to  suppose,"  I  said,  "that  I  am  a  native  TOM- 
DICK  or  HARRY.  I  am  a  B.A.  of  Calcutta  University,  and 
candidate  for  call  to  Bar.  In  additum,  I  am  the  literary  celeb- 
rity, being  especially  retained  to  jot  and  tittle  for  the  periodical 
of  Punch." 

Mr.  BREAKWATER  assured  me  earnestly  that  he  fully  appreci- 
ated my  many  distinguished  claims,  but  that  he  was  under  an 
impossibility  of  granting  my  petition  for  an  invite  to  the  annual 


AUGUST  1,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


53 


summer  soiree,  owing  to  the  fact  that  aforesaid  festivity  was 
already  the  fait  accompli. 

"  How  is  that  P  "  I  exclaimed.  "  Have  I  not  read  in  the  daily 
press  of  a  grand  durbar  to  be  given  shortly  in  honour  of  Hon'ble 
HUNG  CHANG  P  " 

"But  that  is  at  the  Foreign  Office,"  he  objected;  "we  have 
no  connection  with  such  a  concern." 

"The  Foreign  Office  would  be  better  than  nullity,"  I  said. 
"I  will  tell  you  what  to  do.  Write  me  a  letter  to  show  to  the 
head  of  the  Foreign  Office.  You  can  state  that  you  have  known 
me  intimately  for  a  long  time,  and  that  I  am  deserving  of 
patronage.  Hint,  for  instance,  that  it  is  impolite  to  show 
favouritism  to  one  Oriental  (such  as  a  Chinese)  rather  than 
another,  and  that  you  will  regard  any  kindness  done  to  me  as 
the  personal  favour  to  yourself.  Pitch  it  strong,  my  respect- 
able Sir!" 

He,  however,  protested  that  any  recommendation  from  him 
would  be  a  brutum  fulmen. 

"You  are  too  modest,  honoured  Sir! "  I  told  him,  seeing  that 
flattery  was  requisite ;  "  but  I  am  not  the  ignoramus  of  how 
highly  your  character  and  virtues  are  esteemed,  and  I  can 
assure  you  that  you  are  not  so  contemptible  a  nonentity  as  you 
imagine.  Listen  to  me ;  I  am  now  to  go  to  the  Foreign  Office, 
and  shall  there  assume  the  liberty  of  mentioning  your  distin- 
guished name  as  a  reference." 

With  benevolent  blandness  he  accorded  me  full  permission  to 
go  where  I  liked,  and  say  anything  I  chose,  recommending  me 
warmly  to  depart  immediately. 

Seeing  him  so  well-disposed,  I  ventured,  on  taking  my  leave, 
to  pat  his  shoulder  in  friendly  facetiousness,  and  to  say,  "  It  is 
all  right,  old  boy.  Remember,  I  have  complete  bond  fides  in 
your  ability  to  work  the  oracle  for  me  successfully."  Which 
rendered  him  sotto  voce  with  gratification. 

But  alack!  at  the  Foreign  Office,  after  stating  my  business 
and  sitting  like  Patience  on  a  Monument  for  two  immortal 
hours,  I  was  officially  informed  that  the  Principal  Secretary  of 
State  for  Foreign  Affairs  was  not  in,  and  that  all  the  Private 
and  Under  Secretaries  were  equally  invisible. 

This,  I  must  respectfully  submit,  is  not  exactly  the  correct 
style  to  conduct  a  first-class  Empire! 


THE  CELEBBILET  AT  HOME. 

(A  Literary  Interview — Latest  Style. ) 

IT  was  with  awe  and  reverence  that  your  interviewer  climbed 
the  topmost  staircase  of  a  certain  house  in  Bayswater,  and  with 
a  shortness  of  breath,  due  not  only  to  the  length  :of  the  ascent, 
but  to  the  consciousness  that  in  a  few  moments  he  would  be 
standing  in  the  presence  of  perhaps  the  greatest  genius  of  .the 
age.  Barely  seven  years  old,  Master  TOMMY  TITTLEBAT  has  already 
electrified  the  world  by  his  matchless  lyrics,  and  his  "  Rocking- 
Horse  Rides  "  and  "  Dejection  :  a  Sonnet  on  the  absence  of  Jam 
at  Tea,"  are  already  familiar  as  household  words. 

At  the  top  of  the  staircase  stands  a  beautifully  carved  wicket- 
gate,  which  serves  at  once  to  exclude  the  tumultuous  rush  of 
editors  who  come  to  clamour  for  contributions,  and  also  to  pre- 
vent Master  TITTLEBAT,  in  an  excess  of  poetic  zeal,  from  attempt- 
ing to  slide  down  the  banisters.  At  my  approach,  however, 
the  portal  was  flung  open,  and,  escorted  by  a  polite  nursery- 
maid, I  was  ushered  into  the  sacred  shrine  of  the  Muse,  the 
nursery  wherein  the  seven-year-old  poet  resides.  A  glance 
round  the  room  suffices  to  assure  you  of  the  artistic  taste  of  its 
occupier.  On  the  walls  hang  some  truly  exquisite  works  of  art, 
extracted  from  the  Christmas  numbers  of  the  illustrated  papers. 
Even  more  precious  are  certain  other  sketches  scattered  about 
the  room,  for  these  are  richly  coloured  by  Master  TITTLEBAT 
himself,  and  reveal  the  fact  that  you  are  in  the  home  of  a 
painter  as  well  as  of  a  poet. 

I  had  barely  time  to  glance  at  these,  when  a  succession  of 
loud  yells  from  an  adjoining  apartment  told  me  that  the  poet 
was  close  at  hand,  and,  apparently,  that  he  was  vexed  by  one 
of  those  trifling  worries  which  a  highly-strung  temperament 
feels  so  severely.  From  the  fragments  of  dialogue  that 
reached  me,  he  seemed  to  be  arguing  a  point  with  some  vehe- 
mence. "I  shan't,  Eliza!  ....  I  tell  you  I  shan't!"  .  .  .  . 
"  Hush,  Master  TOMMY — going  on  like  that  with  a  gentleman  to 
see  you  and  all !  " 

At  this  moment  the  door  was  flung  opon,  and  Master  TITTLE- 
BAT appeared.  Disdaining  the  formalities  of  an  introduction, 
h.9  began :  — 

"I'm  a  genius — the  Daily  Chronicle  says  I'm  a  genius — and 


AMBIGUITY. 

Scene — A  HIGHLAND  FERRY. 
Tourist.  "  BUT  WE  PAID  YOU  SIXPENCE  EACH  AS  WE  "CAME  OVER, 

AND  YOU  SAID  THE  SAME  FARE  WOULD   BRING  US   BACK." 

Skipper.  "WELL,  WELL,  AND  I  TELLED  YE  NOTHING  BUT  THE  TRUTH, 
AN'  IT  'LL  BE  NO  MORE  THAN  THE  SAME  FARE  I  'M  WANTIN'  THE 
NOO  FOR  BRINGIN'  YE  BACK." 


yet  they  wont  let  me  go  on  the  Serpentine  by  myself  and  be  a 
pirate  1  Have  you,"  he  added,  brushing  away  a  not  unmanly 
tear,  "  got  such  a  thing  as  a  chocolate  about  you  ?  " 

I  regretted  that  I  could  not  oblige  him,  and  endeavoured  to 
turn  the  conversation  by  inquiring  about  his  literary  works. 

"  Oh,  I  've  done  lots  of  new  poems — lots,"  he  answered. 
"  One  about  a  lead  soldier  whom  I  squashed ;  and  one  about  a 
caterpillar,  only  it  wouldn't  rhyme  properly.  And  then  there  's 
one  all  about  papa.  He  calls  me  '  a  little  prig,'  you  know,  so 
I  've  written  a  sit no,  a  sat What 's  the  proper  word  ?  " 

"  A  satire  ?  "  I  suggested. 

"Yes,  that's  it — all  about  him,  and  it's  going  to  be  printed 
in  the  Twinkler.  Won't  he  be  wild,  just!"  And  the  poet 
danced  with  the  delight  of  anticipation. 

"  Any  more  ?  "  I  asked. 

"Well,  I  was  just  thinking  one  about  Eliza,  but  it's  not 
done.  I  wish  I  could  write  it  with  ink,  but  ink  does  make  such 
messy  blobs,  you  see.  It  begins  like  this:  — 

"  I  don't  like  not  enough  butter 

Upon  my  bread, 
I  don't  like  having  to  stop  playing 

And  go  to  bed ; 
But  if  you  want  to  know 

What  I  like  least, 
It 's  the  nurse  with  the  fuzzy  hair  they  ca    ELIZA — 

I  hate  the  beast !  " 

"  Master  TOMMY  I  "  cried  the  indignant  young  woman,  "  come 
away  at  once.  You  shall  go  to  bed  this  instant.  Using  language 
like  that  about  me  to  the  gentleman,  indeed ! " 

And  thereupon,  in  spite  of  his  well-directed  kicking,  she 
carried  off  the  poet  by  the  scruff  of  his  neck,  and  the  interview 
came  to  a  close. 


54 


PUNCH,   OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  1,  1896. 


THE    HAT    OF   THE    PERIOD. 

Hyde  Park  Loafer.  ' '  WANT  A  GARD'NER,  Miss  ? " 


AMIENS'  SONG  AT  THE  HAYMARKET. 

UNDER  the  BEERBOHM  TREE 

'Twas  fine  to  see  Tril-by, 

And  hear  the  mellow  note 

From  DOROTHEA'S  throat. 
Come  hither,  come  hither,  come  hither  I 

Here  shall  you  see 

A  Sven-ga-li 
Time  cannot  stale  or  wither  1 

But  TREE'S  ambition 's  grown 
To  have  a  house — his  own — 
Where  he  can  play  with  ease 
Great  parts,  and  greatly  please. 

SHAKSPEARE,  go  thither,  thither  I 
There  shall  you  see 
Our  BEERBOHM  TREE 

As  Hamlet  in  high  feather  I 


If  that  do  come  to  pass 
Our  TREE  will  he  first-class, 
Risking  his  wealth  and  ease 
The  Public  for  to  please. 

Ducdame,  ducdame,  ducdame  1* 
There  shall  you  see 
Our  BEERBOHM  TREE 

Match  the  Lyceum's  fame! 

*  An  invocation  to  call  playgoers  into  a  (dress) 
circle. 


AN  oppressed-by-the-heat  poet,  "a  sec- 
ond Dried'un,"  writes  thus : 

"  Thirty  days  hath  September, 
August,  June,  July.    Remember." 

But  at  present  he  can't  get  beyond  July. 
"Drink,  pretty  creature,  drink." 


AN  fENCOEE   VERSE. 
(To  Poe's  Poem  of  "  The  Bells") 

HEAR  the  blatant  scorchers'  bells! — 

Biking  bells  !— 
What   a   tale   of  torment   tintiiinabulant 

each  tells! 

On  the  air  of  day  and  night, 
How  they  fill  us  with  affright ! 
For  we  never  know  the  way  the  things 

are  coming,  left  or  right. 
How  they  tinkle,  tinkle,  tinkle, 

All  about  and  all  around  1 
She  who  vends  the  "  pennywinkle," 
They  who  "  watercreases  "  sprinkle, 
Call  'em  brown — though  they  are  yellow — 
And  their  merits  blare  and  bellow, 
Have  a  less  cacophonous  sound. 
Keeping  time — erratic  time 
(Like  to  ALFRED  AUSTIN'S  rhyme). 
How  they  come  in  phantom  hosts, 
Like  a  lot  of  "  scorching  "  ghosts  I 
How  they  burst  from  shadowy  nooks 
Like  to  pedal-pounding  spooks, 
On  the  elderly  pedestrian  all  alone ! 
And  the  people,  ah!  the  people, 
Who  come  spinning  down  the  steep  hill, 
And  feel  glory  in  a  broken  limb  or  dislo- 
cated bone 

When  belonging  to  a  "  duffer," 
Or  a  mere  non-biking  "  buffer  " ! 
Oh,  those  bells,  how  much  we  suffer 

From  their  squealing 
When    the    inconsiderate    idiot    devotes 
himself  to  "wheeling." 
Oh,  those  bells! 
And  the  hideous  yahoo  yells! 
Shout  plus  tintinnabulation  which  unmu- 
sically swells 

From  the  bounders  who  are  sounders 
Of  the  blaring  bikers'  bells, 

Of  the  bells 

Oh,   the  discumbobulation  and  the  mad- 
dening aggravation, 

And    the    ditherum-engendering,    scorch- 
ing conflobustication 
Of  bike  bells ! ! ! 


WHAT  THE  WILD  WAVES  ARE 
SAYING. 

THAT  the  lodging-house  keepers  are  on 
the  look  out  for  the  weary  Londoners  and 
their  boxes. 

That  the  sea  breezes  will  attract  all  the 
world  from  the  Metropolis  to  the  coast. 

That  Britons  should  prefer  Ramsgate, 
Eastbourne,  Scarborough,  and  the  like, 
to  Dieppe,  Dinard,  and  Boulogne. 

That  paterfamilias  should  remember, 
when  paying  the  bill,  that  a  two  months' 
letting  barely  compensates  for  an  empty 
house  during  the  remainder  of  the  year. 

That  the  shore  is  a  place  of  recreation 
for  all  but  the  bathing-machine  horse. 

That  the  circulating  libraries  are 
stocked  with  superfluous  copies  of  un- 
known novels  waiting  to  be  read. 

That,  finally,  during  the  excursion  sea- 
son, 'ARRT  will  have  to  be  tolerated,  if 
not  exactly  loved. 

ON  DIT. — Rt.  Hon.  A.  B-LF-B  is  editing 
a  new  edition  of  SHAKSPEARE.  He  has 
already  amended  one  line,  which  is  now 
to  be  thus  read : 

"  The  course  of  business  never  did  run  smooth." 


HISTORICAL  (ENGLISH)  NOTE  ON  "Fooo 
AND  FEEDING." — The  Tudors,  especially 
"  HENBY  T "  (not  Sir  HENRY  THOMPSON, 
a  propos  of  "food  and  feeding"),  tho- 
roughly enjoyed  stakes  and  chops. 


u 

"S      Q 
I       S 

I    W 
I*   i 


2    W 


• 

fco  to  _^^04 

i  g  ^ 

S  *  >• 


Q 
O 


, 

-  hH 


02 


W 


K) 


AUGUST  1,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


57 


SECOND    NATURE. 

IT  IS  THK  GREAT  AMBITION  OF  LITTLE  JONES  (OF  BARGAIN  AND 
SALES,  THE  DRAPERS)  TO  BE  TAKEN  FOR  AN  ARTIST  ;  BUT  UNFOR- 
TUNATELY HE  CANNOT  BREAK  HIMSELF  OF  THE  HABIT  OF  PUTTING 

HIS  PENCIL  BEHIND  HIS  EAR  ! 


DABBY  JONES  ON  GOODWOOD. 

HONOTTBED  SIB, — Onoe  more  I  append  the  lyrical  result  of  my 
researches  into  the  future.  Goodwood  needs  no  bush,  so  I  at 
once  get  into  my  running  rhymes. 

Here  's  my  principal  tip,  and  I  give  it  with  zest, 

With  ROTHSCHILD'S  all  sportsmen  their  cash  should  invest. 

In  the  Stewards  an  Ugly  look  out  I  can  see, 

Scratch  a  Tartar  and  p'r'aps  you  '11  find  Lady  Sophie. 

And  in  one  race  at  least  'tis  a  pound  to  a  pin 

Mr.  HARRY  MCCALMONT  has  something  to  win. 

And  again  do  not  afterwards  say  'twas  a  fluke 

"When  a  nice  little  stake  is  picked  up  by  a  Duke. 

Bv  following  my  advice,  no  backer  need  get  left  in  the  Oof- 
birdless  Grove.  I  need  scarcely  say  that  I  shall  be  found  on 
the  old  familiar  spot  with  the  latest  cue  in  hand,  and  shall  look 
out  for  my  friends  during  the  hour  of  rest  on  each  day,  when  I 
shall  supply  them  with  many  winning  hazards.  "  The  glorious 
vintage  of  champagne,"  I  may  remind  my  patrons,  is  always 
first  favourite  with  your  obedient  servant, 

DABBY  JONES. 

P-S. — I  have  reason  to  believe,  honoured  Sir,  that  certain 
valuable  testimonials,  addressed  to  myself,  are  now  lying  at  your 
office.  Please  forward,  carriage  paid. 

[The  only  testimonial  received  here  was  a  thick  oak  stick,  labelled  "  Please 
lay  this  over  DARBY  JONES'S  back."  D.  J.  can  therefore  call  and  receive  the 
same  under  the  conditions  annexed. — ED.] 


FBOM  OUB  IBREPRESSIBLE  JOKEB  (STILL  IN  PBISON). — Question. 
Of  what  fish  is  the  Emperor  of  Russia  most  fond?  Answer. 
Czar-dines. 

REAL  DOG-LATIN. — Cave  Canem! 


LAST    OPERATIC    NOTES. 

Thursday. — The  season  draws  to  a  close.  Next  Tuesday,  ere 
these  few  lines  which  end  our  record  shall  have  appeared,  the 
curtain  will  have  been  rung  down  on  the  Operatic  Season  of 
1896.  A  good  season  if  'not  a  great  one ;  a  sad  one  to  all  who 
knew  and  appreciated  our  one  and  only  DBUBIOLANUS  OPBBATI- 
cus.  To  his  energy  the  opera  for  many  years  has  owed  its 
success.  He  gave  us  English,  Italian,  German,  French  Opera ; 
he  was  a  cosmopolitan  revivalist,  and  to  him  we  owe  the  very 
pick  of  European  celebrities  on  the  operatic  stage.  DBUBIO- 
LANUS has  shown  the  way ;  others  may  follow,  and  successfully, 
in  his  footsteps. 

To-night,  Don  Giovanni,  with  excellent,  though  not  an  ideal, 
caste.  Signor  ANCONA  is  the  Don,  not  perhaps  all  our 
fancy  (and  experience)  painted :  but  still,  just  now  it  would 
be  difficult  to  find  a  better  representative  of  the  tradi- 
tional "  wicked  nobleman."  Madame  ALBANI,  vocally  and 
dramatically  powerful  as  the  unfortunate  Donna  Anna  (whom 
the  Don  ought  never  to  have  cast  off,  as  did  she  not  invent  the 
pommes  Anna  which  made  his  table  so  famous  P) ,  gained  a 
grand  encore.  There  were  no  "  floral  tributes  "  offered — at  least, 
"  not  when  I  saw  it,"  as  Horatio  says. 

Miss  (or  as  in  the  bills,  "  Mile." — but  why  "  Mile.,"  as  the  young 
lady  is  not  a  Frenchwoman?)  MABGUEBITE  MACINTYBE  is  a 
fine  Elvira,  physically  and  vocally ;  but  she  represents  this 
unfortunate  victim  of  the  lively  Don  Juan  as  gifted  with  so  keen 
a  sense  of  the  humorous  as  to  prevent  her  from  ever  being  really 
angry  with  her  inconstant  and  undevoted  lover.  When  she 
sings  of  her  woes  there  is  a  "  naughty  little  twinkle  in  her  eye," 
as  of  one  who  still  has  pleasant  memories  of  a  happy  past,  and 
who  has  not  altogether  renounced  the  idea  of  trying  her  luck 
again,  if  only  she  can  secure  the  volatile  Lothario  all  to 
herself.  Far  am  I  from  saying  that  this  conception  of  the 
character  is  not  the  right  one  :  I  am  inclined  to  agree  with 
Miss  MAGGIE  MACINTYBE,  on  the  ground  that,  probably,  she 
knows  best.  I  decidedly  like  her  reading  of  this  charac- 
ter. She  has  evidently  arrived  at  it  after  close  study.  Only, 
if  this  be  the  character,  MAGGIE  might  have  thrown  into  it  a  little 
more  action,  and  have  given  even  greater  piquancy  to  the 
humorous  slyness  of  the  quietly  larky,  but  apparently  very 
proper,  Donna  Elvira. 

T'other  MABGARET  (not  "MARGUEBITE"),  namely  MARGARET 
REID  is  not  Zerlina.  Signor  RINALDINT  better  than  ever  as 
Masetto.  Signor  CBEMONINI  "  quite  a  nice  young  man  "  as  Don 
Ottavio ;  and  ABIMONDI  a  most  distinguished  personage,  whether 
as  the  Commendatore  alive,  or  as  the  statuesque  ghost.  Signor 
PiNi-CoBSi,  as  Leporello,  is  "funny  without  being  vulgar,"  but 
his  humour  does  not  make  me  go  beyond  a  "quiet  chuckle." 

Vive  la  Compagnie!  Bon  soir  la  Compagnie!  Et  au  revoir 
to  Signorini  BEVIGNANI,  MANCINELLI,  and  "all  the  talents"  of 
1896. 


SHAKSPEARE  TO  A   WORTHY  COMMON   COUNCILLOR. 
"  Heavens  keep  old  BEDFORD  safe  !  " 

Henry  the  Sixth,  Part  I.,  Act  iii.,  Sc.  2. 


SUMMABY  OF   LOBD  RoSEBEBY's   ADMIBABLE   SPEECH  ON  BUBNS. 

"  For  a'  that,  an'  a'  that, 
A  man  's  a  man  for  a'  that," 

and,  as  the  faithful  GBIFFITH  observed  to  Queen  KATHEBINE, 
"  Men's  evil  manners  live  in  brass  ;  their  virtues 
We  write  in  water." 

So  sometimes,  when  due  north,  we  put  a  little  whiskey  in  it. 
But  Lord  ROSEBEBY  has  found  the  real  happy  medium  through 
which  to  view  the  poet.  Will  his  lordship  favour  us  with  some 
more  "  where  that  came  from  "  on  BYBON  and  SHELLEY  ? 


To  Balbus  of  Birmingham. 

MB.  CHAMBEBLAIN  late  laid  it  down  as  a  law 

That  the  Government  cannot  make  bricks  without  straw. 

Most  true !     But  'tis  worthy  of  note  in  that  quarter, 

That  Ministers  cannot  bind  bricks  without  mortar. 

If  adhesiveness  fails  there  may  be  a  great  fall 

In  what  lately  seemed  like  a  Great  Party  Wall  1 


A  SINGULAR  AND  VISIBLE  PBOOF  OF  THE  QUEEN'S  GABDEN 
PABTY. — One  of  the  horticulturists  employed  at  Buckingham 
Palace. 


58 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  1,  1896. 


FASHIONABLE    AND    SEASONABLE. 

WHEKE  TO  SUP  AL  FRESCO  IN  THE  HOTTEST  WEATHER.    THE  "  WHELKOUE  CLUB." 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

THERE  was  a  time  in  recent  history  when  GEOFF  HORNBY  was 
the  most  important  man  in  Europe.  It  was  in  the  early  days  of 
1878,  when,  in  command  of  the  British  Fleet,  he  proceeded  to  the 
Sea  of  Marmora  with  instructions  to  pass  the  Dardanelles  whether 
the  Turk  pleased  or  didn't,  and  steam  up  to  Constantinople. 
The  East  of  Europe  was  at  the  time  strewn  thickly  with  gun- 
powder, on  which  a  spark  alighting  would,  as  a  Member  of  the 
House  of  Commons  once  said,  have  let  slip  the  dogs  of  war. 
Everything  depended  on  the  tact  and  judgment  of  the  Admiral 
in  command  or  the  British  Fleet.  It  was  a  serious  trial,  from 
which  HORNET  came  out  triumphant.  In  his  "Life."  written 
by  his  daughter,  Mrs.  FRED  EGERTON,  and  published  by  BLACK- 
WOOD,  the  stirring  story  is  simply  told.  The  veil  is  lifted  from 
Cabinet  Councils,  Ministerial  vacillations,  cold  fits  succeeding 
hot,  and  the  other  way  about.  HORNBY  was,  above  all  things, 
a  man  to  be  trusted,  a  sea  captain  of  a  type  which,  never  failing 
in  the  British  Navy,  will  keep  it  invincible  as  in  DRAKE'S  time. 
Mrs.  EGERTON  makes  no  attempt  at  fine  writing.  The  annals  of 
her  father's  work  are  as  simple  and  straightforward  as  was  the 
life  they  record. 

It  occurs  to  me  that  The  Vanished  Emperor  owes  his  existence 
to  The  Prisoner  of  Zenda.  The  surmise  may  be  erroneous.  I 
wish,  however,  that  the  idea  of  this  romance,  entitled  The 
Vanished  Emperor,  published  by  WARD,  LOOK  &  Co.,  had  oc- 
curred to  the  author  of  The  Prisoner  of  Zenda,  instead  of  to  Mr. 
PERCY  ANDREA,  who  wastes  his  own  and  his  reader's  time  on 
two-thirds  of  the  book.  Everything  up  to  chapter  twelve  might 
easily  have  been  told  in  a  single  chapter,  or  at  most,  in  a  couple. 
From  the  twelfth  chapter  up  to  the  eighteenth  and  last,  the 
story  is  told  with  considerable  dramatic  power,  though  marred 
as  is  the  first  part  by  tedious  dialogues  and  apparently  muddle- 
headed  explanations.  Well  stage-managed,  the  scene  of  the 
Council  of  Royalties,  the  surrounding  of  the  palace  by  the 
revolutionary  mob,  and  the  sudden  arrival  of  the  Vanished  Em- 
peror, would  bring  down  the  curtain  on  the  third  act  to  tumultu- 
ous applause.  THE  BARON. 


LAW  AND  TIME. — A  "  watching  brief  "  must  have  much  to  do 
with  second-hand  information. 


BRUNCH  v.  BLUNCH! 

ACCORDING  to  the  Lady,  to  be  fashionable  nowadays  we  must 
"  brunch."  Truly  an  excellent  portmanteau  word,  introduced, 
by  the  way,  last  year,  by  Mr.  GUY  BERINGER,  in  the  now  defunct 
Hunter's  Weekly,  and  indicating  a  combined  breakfast  and 
lunch.  At  Oxford,  however,  two  years  ago,  an  important  dis- 
tinction was  drawn.  The  combination-meal,  when  nearer  the 
usual  breakfast  hour,  is  "  brunch,"  and,  when  nearer  luncheon, 
is  "  blunch."  Please  don't  forget  this. 

'Tis  the  voice  of  the  Bruncher,  I  heard  him  complain, 
"  You  have  waked  me  too  soon,  I  must  slumber  again  1 
When  the  clock  says  it 's  twelve,  then  perhaps  I  '11  revive, 
Meanwhile  into  bed  yet  once  more  let  me  dive  1 

The  last  meal  I  had  was  about  3  A.M.  ; 

I  'in  a  writer,  so  please  don't  such  habits  condemn  1 

This  cross  between  supper  and  breakfast  I  '11  name, 

If  you  '11  let  me,  a  '  suckfast ' — and  '  brupper '  's  the  same ! 

Later  on,  too,  a  similar  mixture  I  make, 
And  of  '  five  o'clock  tinner '  at  seven  I  partake  ; 
The  term  's  a  propos,  for  the  fare  is  tinned  meat, 
With  tea  for  '  ontray '  and  lump  sugar  for  sweet. 

While  the  small  hours  get  larger  I  'm  fit  as  a  flea, 
The  sunrise  I  'm  cheerfully  ready  to  see, 
With  '  blunch '  for  to-morrow,  and  no  trains  to  catch, 
I  don't  need  to  repose  with  unseemly  despatch. 

Beauty  sleep  is  a  thing  that  ne'er  troubles  my  head ; 
When  the  cock  has  done  crowing  I  turn  into  bed, 
Then  peacefully  dream  of  the  virtues  of  '  blunch,' 
And,  on  waking,  I  rise  and  indite  this  to  Punch ! " 

Lost  Telegram  to  Mafeking. 

Wire. — "Finish  Railway  to  Buluwayo." 

Reply  and  inquiry. — "  Why  P  " 

Answer  per  wire. — "  To  make  '  Road-easier.  " 

[***  Suggested  by  clerk,  "  If  telegram  delayed  and  somehow  gone  astray, 
wasn't  it  probably  originally  something  about  making  Raid  easier  ?  "] 


AUGUST  1,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


59 


ESSENCE   OF   PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  July  20. 
— The  Thanes  fly  from  PRINOB  ABTHUB. 
He  sits  on  the  Treasury  Bench  with  a  gal- 
lant smile  on  a  worried  face :  they  cluster 
below  the  Gangway  and  "say  things." 
Colonel  SAUNDERSON  strategically  aggra- 
vates situation  by  wearing  an  aggressive 
sky-blue  scarf.  This  sheds  ghastly  pallor 
over  face  of  CARSON  sitting  .near  him. 
Even  makes  WARING  and  SMITH-BARKY 
look  like  ghosts  of  their  former  selves. 
With  reckless  chivalry  the  Colonel 
stretches  his  warlock  defiantly  across  his 
shapely  head.  If  anyone  wants  his  scalp, 
and  can  take  it,  don't  let  them  say  that 
he  placed  them  at  a  mean  disadvantage 
by  giving  them  nothing  to  hold  on  by. 

For  years  he  has  fought  his  country- 
men on  the  Benches  opposite.  Now  the 
adversary  is  parted  only  "by  the  breadth 
of  the  Gangway.  It  is  his  once-loved  but 
now  lost  leader  PRINOB  ARTHUR  against 
whom  the  sharp  point  of  his  well-proven 
blade  is  turned.  The  Colonel,  like 
another  warrior  (Major  Bagstock  to  wit), 
is  tough.  But  as  he  stood  up  to-nig^it, 
and  amid  unwonted  cheers  from  Radical 
throats  announced  his  intention  to  vote 
against  Government  resolution  to  sus- 
pend Twelve  o'Clock  Rule  for  rest  of 
Session,  his  voice  faltered.  An  unwonted 
sigh  trembled  in  his  manly  bosom.  It  is 
bad  enough  for  CARSON,  in  the  last  Par- 
liament PRINCE  ARTHUR'S  prize  new 
Member.  But  CARSON  is  a  lawyer,  ac- 
customed to  find  himself  in  divers  and 
occasionally  contradictory  moods  of  honest 
conviction,  according  to  the  terms  of  his 
brief.  SAUNDERSON  is  a  soldier,  bred  in 
habits  of  discipline.  For  him  to  mutiny, 


"  The  Waring  of  the  Green." 

to  go  over  bag  and  baggage  to  the  enemy, 
is  a  grevious  wrench  to  inborn    instincts 


The  Brothers  HEALY  make  their  bow  after  their'marvellous  performance  in  Committee. 


and  life-long  habits.  But  the  call  of  duty 
is  inexorable. 

"  I  could  not  love  thee,  Prince,  so  much, 
Loved  I  not  Honour  more." 

Thus  the  Colonel  murmurs  to  himself, 
gazing  with  dimmed  eyes  on  LUCASTA, 
lounging  with  ill-affected  ease  on  the 
Treasury  Bench.  Then,  like  LTTCASTA'S 
lover,  he  "  goes  to  the  wars." 

Business  done. — Twelve  o'Clock  Rule 
suspended  for  rest  of  Session. 

Tuesday. — TIM  HEALY  spent  thoroughly 
agreeable  night.  Irish  Land  Bill  in  Com- 
mittee. TIM,  with  his  back  to  the  wall, 
fighting  the  whole  lot  of  them,  landlords, 
Ministers,  and  Chairman  of  Committees. 
Sometimes  when  things  flag  he  leaves 
protection  of  wall  and  dashes  in  among 
them.  The  crowd  close  round  him  ;  begin 
to  think  you  '11  never  see  TIM  any 
more ;  when  dust  flies  up ;  fragments  of 
CARSON  darken  the  sky ;  the  Irish  Attor- 
ney-General's coat  is  split  right  up  the 
back  ;  GERALD  BALFOTJR'B  hair  is 
ruffled  over  his  pallid  face.  Then  TIM 
steps  out  of  the  melee,  breathing  a  little 
hard,  but  otherwise  incommoded.  Puts 
on  his  glasses  and  looks  up  fresh  refer- 
ences from  erudite  authorities  designed 
to  frustrate  the  landlords'  knavish  tricks 
and  make  them  fall. 

A  marvellous  spectacle  of  indomit- 
able courage,  ready  resource,  perfect 
mastery  of  subject.  Soon  after  dinner 
CARSON  threw  up  sponge.  No  use  moving 
amendments,  he  said ;  clear  they  wouldn't 
be  accepted.  If  they  were,  Ministers 
went  back  on  their  decision.  So  CARSON 
stalked  forth ;  but  TIM  stayed  on  to  end, 


apparently  as  tireless  at  two  o'clock  in 
morning  as  he  was  fresh  at  four  in  the 
afternoon. 

"  I  never  watch  TIM  on  the  warpath," 
says  PRINCE  ARTHUR,  "without  feeling 
grateful  for  the  present  disposition  or 
things.  Suppose  Irish  party  united  as 
it  was  in  PARNELL'S  time,  with  TIM, 
having  rubbed  off  some  of  his  angulari- 
ties of  temper,  their  leader.  In  such 
case,  even  with  our  majority  touching 
three  fifties,  Ireland  would  get  pretty 
much  what  she  wanted.  Divide  et  impera. 
They  divide  and  we  rule. " 

Business  done. — Pegging  away  at  Irish 
Land  Bill. 

Thursday. — A  better  fellow  than  ROBERT 
THRBSHIB  REID,  commonly  called  BOB, 
the  House  of  Commons  does  not  contain. 
Sorry  to  hear  of  his  having  taken  a  step 
that  arrests,  at  full  tide,  an  honourable 
and  prosperous  career.  All  done  in  a 
moment  of  pique,  which  makes  it  more 
remarkable  on  part  of  so  level-headed  a 
man  as  ex- Attorney-General.  It's  SARK 
tells  me  about  it.  Not  sure  I  should 
believe  it  on  any  other  authority.  All 
arises  out  of  private  Bill  which  BOB  found 
time  to  draft,  and  over  whose  Parlia- 
mentary fortunes  he  watched  with  more 
than  paternal  solicitude.  Got  it  as  far 
as  Committee  Stage.  Expected  it  to  run 
through  unopposed  in  last  half-hour  of 
Wednesday  sitting.  When  who  should  turn 
up  and  put  spoke  in  wheel  but  HENRY 
FOWLER!  Had  it  been  TANNER,  BOB 
wouldn't  have  minded.  But  a  former  col- 
league, an  esteemed  friend,  a  man  not 
usually  given  to  vagaries,  it 's  that  which 


60 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  1,  1896. 


UNIONIST5  WHO  VOTED* 
AGAINST  THE  GOVERNMENT 


SIR*ACL/\ND-HOOD 
M^  Gl  BSON-BOWLES 
Mr  VICTOR  CAVENDISH 
SIR  JOHN   COLOMB 
M?  RADCL1FFE  COOKE 
M"  DANE. 
COLONEL  DENNY 
SIR  R.PENRoSE-FlTZCERALB 

M«  GEO&t 

5IR.T.LEA 

M*  LECKY 

MAJOR  M'CAL^ONT 

M*  MORRISON 

M"  O'NEILL 

M«  RENT^ 'J 

COLONEI  s! 


Mr.  Half  our  (disguised  us  Fttlstaff).  "  CulHyou  that  backing  of  your  friends.?." 


has  suddenly  but  irrevocably  convinced 
BOB  REID  that  Parliamentary  life  is  no 
proper  sphere  for  him. 

Action  with  him  follows  promptly  upon 
decision.  A  week  ago  a  prominent  Mem- 
ber of  the  House  of  Commons,  a  leader 
at  the  Bar,  he  has  now  quitted  the  busy 
scene  and  settled  himself  down  in  dour 
but  dulcet  Dumfries.  Has  taken  the 
Woodbank  Hydropathic  Establishment, 
and  hopes,  by  civility  and  close  attention 
to  business,  to  merit  continuance  of  past 
favours.  Paragraph  in  all  the  papers 
states  that  his  first  guest  is  the  ex-Premier. 
So  like  Lord  ROSEBERY  ;  always  ready  to 
help  a  friend  in  practical  way.  BOB 
is  of  course  new  to  the  hydropathic  busi- 
ness. May  be  expected  to  be  a  little 
awkward  at  first  with  the  wet  pack.  Can 
hardly  in  a  week  have  mastered  all  the 
details  of  the  management  of  a  large 


establishment.  That  will  come  in  time. 
It 's  a  good  send-off  to  have  Lord  ROSE- 
BERT.  Still  it 's  an  odd  move,  and  I  hope 
BOB  will  not  find  cause  to  regret  it. 

Business  done. — Irish  Land  Bill  through 
Committee. 

Friday. — PRINCE  ARTHUR  rather  in  low 
spirits  to-night.  Things  still,  on  the  whole, 
not  going  well.  Bad  enough  to  be  de- 
feated in  the  division  lobby.  But  to  have 
DON  JOSE  and  ST.  MICHAEL  dining  out 
and  simultaneously  setting  about  to  crack 
him  up  as  heaven-born  leader  of  House 
of  Commons  is  worse  still. 

"  Call  you  that  backing  of  your 
i  friends  ? "  says  PRINCE  ARTHUR,  looking 
as  like  Falstaff  as  nature  will  permit. 
I  "  A  plague  upon  such  backing." 

One  gleam  of  sunshine  is  the  passing 
through  Committee  of  Irish  Land  Bill. 
At  one  time  seemed  hopeless  endeavour. 


Success  largely  due,  as  TIM  HEALY  gra- 
ciously acknowledged,  to  tact  and  unfail- 
ing good  temper  of  brother  GERALD. 
Reflex  of  this  happy  state  of  things  over 
Committee  to-night.  Irish  votes  through 
on  stroke  of  midnight.  So  all  go  home ; 
some  to  bed. 

Business  done. — Irish  Estimates  through 
Committee. 


WHAT  TO  WEAR  ON  YOUR  WEDDING  DAY. 

(By  a  Confirmed  and  Cantankerous  Celibate.) 

MARRIED  in  white, 

You  have  hooked  him  all  right. 

Married  in  grey, 

He  will  ne'er  get  away. 

Married  in  black, 

He  will  wish  himself  back. 

Married  in  red. 

He  will  wish  himself  dead. 

Married  in  green, 

His  true  colour  is  seen. 

Married  in  blue, 

He  will  look  it,  not  you. 

Married  in  pearl, 

He  the  distaff  will  twirl. 

Married  in  yellow, 

Poor  fellow  !     Poor  fellow ! 

Married  in  brown, 

Down,  down,  derry  down. 

Married  in  pink, 

To  a  slave  he  will  sink. 

Married  in  crimson, 

He'll  dangle  your  whims  on. 

Married  in  buff, 

He  will  soon  have  enough. 

Married  in  scarlet, 

Poor  victimised  varlet  1 
Married  in  violet,  purple,  or  puce, 
It  doesn't  much  matter,  they  all  mean— 
the  deuce ! 


VOICES  FEOM  THE  SHADES. 

SCENE — The  Immortal  Grove.     PRESENT — The 

Bards  of  the  Majority. 

First  Poet.  "  Take  him  all  in  all — 

Second  Poet  (interrupting).  Stay,  WIL- 
LIAM. Quotation  (especially  from  one's 
own  work)  is  not  permitted. 

First  Poet.  But  did  you  ever  see  the 
like  ?  Did  you  hear  his  speech  ? 

Second  Poet.  Yes ;  it  was  rather  rough 
upon  poor  ROBBIE.  But  there 's  the  dan- 
ger of  anniversaries. 

First  Poet.  But  surely  such  a  thing 
was  never  done  before  ? 

Second  Po"t.  Very  probably ;  but  un- 
less he  be  promptly  quashed,  it 's  precious 
likely  to  be  done  again. 

First  Poet.  Poor  ALFRED!  What  a 
successor ! 

Second  Poet.  Poor  ROBBIE!  What  a 
laudator ! 

First  Poet.  Well,  pity  it  is  true ;  but 
BURNS  at  least  has  a  new  epitaph. 

Second  Poet.  He  has !  That  after  the 
hundred  years  he  has  been  patronised  by 
ALFRED  AUSTIN  ! 

[_Scene  closes  in  upon  much  lamenta- 
tion and  some  hilarity. 


IN  THE  TRAIN. 

Would-be  Swell  (to  affable  countryman 
(a  perfect  stranger)  whom  he  wishes  t<> 
over-aive).  Couldn't  leave  town  before. 
Had  to  wait  for  the  royal  wedding. 

Affable  Countryman.  Indeed!  I  sup- 
pose the  tips  are  very  handsome  on  such 
occasions?  I  hope  you  did  pretty  well, 


THE    ANTITHESIS    TO    HORSE    PATHS  ~ 
Cowes  Roads. 


AUGUST  8,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


61 


A    BITER    BIT. 

"BY  THE  WAY,   SNOOKSON— I 'VE  GOT  A   BET  WITH  MY  FRIEND 

BROWN     HERE     ABOUT     THAT     SATIRICAL     POEM     OF     YOURS     IN     THIS 

WEEK'S  GADFLY;  I  SAID  I  COULDN'T  FOR  THE  LIFE  OF  ME  SEE  ANY 

POINT    IN   IT,    AND   HE  DECLARES   THERE   IS   NO    POINT.      NOW,    WHICH 
OF  US  TWO   IS   RIGHT?" 


MEMS.  FOR  COWES  REGATTA  WEEK. 

1.  OBJECT  to   paying  more   than  five   pounds  a  night  for  a 
frowsy  attic  with  no  carpet. 

2.  Never  dispute  fares  with  cabdrivers  or  boatmen.     The  best 
plan  is  to  offer  your  purse  to  the  Jehu  or  waterman,  and  ask  him 
to  help  himself.     This  saves  wrangling. 

3.  In  event  of  calling  on  a  friend  at  the  B.Y.S.,  be  sure  and 
speak  to  the  signalman  at  the  gate  with  your  hat  or  cap  in  your 
hand,  and  be  servile  in  your  manner,  otherwise  this  Lord  High 
Functionary  may  order  your  instant  execution  by  means  of  the 
Commodore's  pop-guns. 

4.  On  the  other  hand,  if  you  drop  in  at  the  London  Yacht 
Club,  do  not  forget  that  the  building  was  erected  for  the  benefit 
of  the  local  aristocracy  for  fifty-one  weeks  in  the  year,  and  during 
seven  days  for  the  convenience  of  honorary  members. 

o.  If  you  wish  to  make  yourself  popular  with  the  ladies,  take 
a  wet  retriever  or  poodle  on  to  the  Parade  about  5  P.M. 

6.  Always  suppose  that  every  man  you  meet  in  a  peaked  cap 
and  blue  serge  owns  a  yacht.     If  you  have  one   of  your  own 
allude  to  it  deprecatingly  as  "  my  little  tub." 

7.  If  fond  of  practical  joking,  suggest  to  any  American  ac- 
quaintances that  the  gates  of  Osborne  are  always  open.     But 
after  their  visit  keep  out  of  their  way. 

8.  As  the  German  Emperor  is  not  coming  to  Cowes  this  year, 
state  openly  that  His  Majesty  is  an  intimate  friend,  and  imply 
that  you  are  watching   his   interests.     Sternly   refuse    to  take 
any  parties  to  inspect  Meteor.     State  with  truth  that  you  have 
no  authority  to  do  so. 

9.  Make  a  point  of  inquiring  daily  at  the  Post  Office  if  there 
be  any  letters  for  you  addressed  to  the   Spoof   (or  whatever 


name  you  select  for  your  cutter,  schooner,  or  yawl).  The 
postal  authorities  have  little  to  do  in  Regatta  week,  and  will 
like  visits  from  yourself  and  similar  querists. 

10.  The  same  idea  can  be  worked  out  at  the  Marine,   the 
Fountain,  the  Gloster,  or  any  other  hostelry. 

11.  On  the  day  of  your  arrival  tip  all  the  itinerant  minstrels. 
Thereafter  you  and  your  neighbours  will  never  want  for  music 
minute  by  minute. 

12.  If  a  numismatist,  buy  a  handful  of  the  tokens  in  use  on 
the  Floating  Bridge  and  send  them  to  the  British  Museum. 

13.  If  fond  of  meditation  or  mushrooms,  travel  by  the  Isle  of 
Wight  railways.     You  will  have  ample  time  to  indulge  in  the 
former,  and  to  pick  the  latter. 

14.  On  Firework  Night,   charter  a  boat,   and  play  at  being 
Lord  CHARLES  BERESFORD  at  the  bombardment  of  Alexandria. 
Your  experience  will  be  quite  as  exciting  as  that  of  the  gallant 
commander  of  the  Condor. 

15.  Feed  yourself  how  you  can  and  when  you  can.    You  will 
only  get  a  chance  now  and  then. 

16.  Always  remember,  that  to  a  native  of  the  island  you  are 
a  miserable  "overner"   despatched  from  the  mainland  for  his 
sole  profit.     He  will  therefore  treat  you  as  the  spider  does  the 
fly.     Why   blame   him  ?      In  one    short  week    he  manages    to 
squeeze  enough  sustenance  to  enable  him  to  bask  in  the  sun- 
shine of  Fortune  for  three  hundred  and  fifty-eight  days. 

THE  MODERN  BLACK  FLAG. 

(Fragment  from  a  Romance  that,  in  spite  of  recent  comments,  it  is  hoped 
will  never  become  a  reality. ) 

"  THE  engines  are  disabled.  Sir,"  said  the  lieutenant,  saluting 
his  captain,  "  and  we  are  within  reach  of  the  curse  of  the  seas." 

The  commander  uttered  an  exclamation  of  horror.  He  would 
have  given  way  to  dismay  had  he  not  been  a  brave  man. 

"  Well,  Mr.  MAYNB  BRACE,  we  must  trust  to  every  stitch  of 
canvas  and  run  before  the  wind." 

"Aye,  aye,  Sir;"  and  the  boatswain  piped  all  hands  to  obey 
the  necessary  orders. 

Then  for  the  space  of  half  an  hour  every  glass  was  directed 
towards  the  shore.  Would  the  good  ship,  Court  Capel,  escape 
the  clutches  of  the  much-dreaded  craft  to  which  the  second 
officer  had  recently  referred  ?  Would  she  outsail  the  boat  that 
had  been  called  "  the  curse  of  the  seas  "  P  During  thirty  minutes 
nothing  of  moment  happened,  and  then  a  small  vessel  put  off 
from  the  shore. 

"Crowd  on  more  sail,"  cried  the  captain,  "we  have  a  good 
start  and  we  may  yet  weather  them." 

The  sailors  obeyed  the  new  direction  with  alacrity.  The  masts 
bent  under  the  weight  of  the  strained  canvas.  Never  had  such 
an  effort  been  made  before. 

"  From  what  are  we  attempting  to  escape  ?  "  asked  a  passenger, 
who,  in  the  palmy  days  of  the  nautical  drama,  would  have  been 
rudely  called  "  a  lubberly  landsman." 

"  We  have  no  time  for  idle  conversation,  Sir,"  replied  the 
master  ;  "  but  as  you  are  curious  I  will  tell  you."  And  then  he 
gave  the  desired  information. 

"  But  surely  you  are  mistaken ! "  exclaimed  the  passenger. 
"The  men  who  form  the  crew  of  that  boat  are  the  pride  of  the 
English-speaking;  race.  They  risk  their  lives  battling  with  the 
stormy  seas.  They  are  heroes,  every  one  of  them ! " 

"  If  you  had  read  some  recent  articles  carefully  you  would 
have  learned,  Sir,  that  such  a  view  is  erroneous.  Salvage  is  the 
principal  aim  of  the  glorious  crew.  They  may  be  brave,  but 
they  are  also  businesslike.  We  must  not  let  them  board  us  or 
their  claim  for  compensation  will  be  enormous." 

The  Court  Capel  sprang  on  like  a  greyhound.  The  ship  ad- 
vanced by  leaps  and  bounds.  The  crew  were  grave  and  anxious. 
They  knew  their  captain  was  a  determined  man,  and  would  rather 
sink  his  ship  than  surrender. 

"  If  worst  comes  to  the  worst,"  he  murmured,  "  run  the  vessel 
on  to  a  sunken  rock  and  we  sink  together.  It  will  be  cheaper 
in  the  long  run." 

But  fortunately  there  was  no  necessity  for  so  extreme  a 
course.  The  boat  became  smaller  and  smaller,  and  was  at  length 
scarcely  visible. 

"  What  was  she  ?  "  asked  another  of  the  passengers.  "  From 
what  have  we  escaped  ?  " 

Then  came  the  reply,  uttered  in  a  tone  of  satisfaction :  "  We 
have  escaped  the  lifeboat ! "  And  with  this  the  captain  closed 
his  glass  and  feared  no  longer. 

VACATION  CRICKET. — A  Member  of  Parliament  on  the  stump. 


VOL.    CXI. 


62 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  8,  1896. 


THE     WANDERINGS     OF     LI     HUNG    CHANG; 

OR,  THE  LATEST  LEGEND  OF  THE  WILLOW-PATTERN  PLATE. 
(Seep.  63.) 


AUGUST  8,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


63 


Dealer  in  Welsh  Cobs  (to  bucolic  buyer). 


A    STRONG    RECOMMENDATION. 

Now,  GUV'NOR,  WILL  YOU  BUY  THAT  ONE  ?    A  HEXACT  MODEL  OF  THE  PRINCE'S  'oss  PERSIMMON  !" 


THE  WANDERINGS  OF  LI  HUNG  CHANG; 

OB,   THE  LATEST  LEGEND  OF  THE  WILLOW- 
PATTERN  PLATE. 

AT  a  cursory  glance  you  may  say  to  your- 
selves. 
"  That 's  the  old  willow  pattern  so  long  on 

our  shelves ! " 

But  there  you  're  mistaken,  for  moderni- 
sation 
Has  touched  e'en  that  plate  ;  but  as  some 

explanation 
Seems  needful  to  make  it  quite  clear,  I  '11 

begin  it, 

If  you  will  oblige  me  by  waiting  a  minute. 
If  dished  by  this  plate,  I'll  explain,  as  a 

chorus, 
One  or  two  knotty  points  in  the  picture 

before  us. 

SONG. 

AIR — "  The  House  that  Jack  built." 
(During  the  Song  the  Enchanter  points  to  the 
different  portions  of  the  Plate  referred  to, 
beginning  in  the  middle. ) 
These  are  the  travels  of  Li  HUNG  CHANG  ! 
There  are  the  Krupp  shots  all  hung  on  the 

trees, 
That    wibbledee,    wobbledee,    go    in    the 

breeze ; 
And  there  is  the  Teuton,  who 's  quite  in 

a  pet 
That  orders  for  hundred-ton  guns  he  can't 

get, 
Or  pocket  the  profits  he  hoped  to  have 

made 
Out    of   the   increase    of    commerce    and 

trade, 
From  the  travels  of  Mandarin  Li  HUNG 

CHANG. 

And  there  are  the  "  turtle  doves,"  German 
and  Frank 


(Who  're    rather    like    eagles    a-hungered 

and  lank), 

Who  clapperclaw  wildly  in  misty  mid-air, 
And  neither  one  wholly  content  with  his 

share. 

Soaring  above  those  remarkable  trees 
That  wibbledee,  <fec. 

And  there  is  the  junk  in  which  Li  HUNG 
CHANG 

Is  paddling  away,  bidding  orders  go  hang, 

Past  the  Bridge  of  War,  where  three  con- 
quering Japs 

Are  lugging  the  booty  —  ingenious 
chaps  1 — 

To  their  Far  Eastern  home,  with  delight 
immense, 

Past  the  awfully  zig-zag  diplomat  fence, 

Under  the  Treaty  Tree;  queerest  of  trees, 
That  wibbledee,  &c. 

And  there   is   the   Britishers'   tight   little 

isle, 
Where    the    lion    reclines,    with   a   genial 

smile, 

Under  the  shade  of  the  wonderful  dome 
Which  overshadows  his  island  home  ; 
Quietly  waiting,  in  his  own  way. 
For  the  wily  wanderer  from  far  Cathay, 
With  leonine  nonchalance  taking  his  ease 
Under  the  shade  of  the  wonderful  trees, 
That  wibbledee,  &c. 

So  having  geographised  most  of  the  plate, 

For  the  rest  I  must  ask  you  at  present  to 
wait 

(Like  that  western  watcher,  cute  Uncle 
SAM); 

But  would  merely  remark  that  no  west- 
ern flam 

Will  take  in  the  Mandarin  Li  HUNG 
CHANG, 

Who  is  wandering  warily  over  the  seas, 


Looking  round  on  the  garden  and  round 

on  the  trees, 
That    wibbledee,    wobbledee,    go    in   the 

breeze ; 

But  whose  verdancy  does  not  characterise 
That  wily  tourist  with  almond  eyes, 
Our  Celestial  visitant,  Li  HUNG  CHANG. 


THE  MAID  AND  THE  MINISTER. 

A  New — Agricultural —Nursery  Rhyme. 

The  Maid         .        .        .     AGRICULTURE. 
The  Minister    .         .         .     MR.  CH-PL-N. 

"WHEKE   are    you    going   to,  my   pretty 

maid  ?  " 

"  I  'm  going  to  ruin  !  fair  Sir !  "  she  said. 
"  May    I,    well,    sympathise,    my    pretty 

maid  ?  " 
"  In    a  practical   fashion,   kind    Sir,"  she 

saidT 
"What     is     your    business,     my    pretty 

maid?" 
"My  business  is  farming,  kind  Sir,"  she 

said. 

"  What  is  your  fortune,  my  pretty  maid  ?  " 
"  My  fortune  's  misfortune,  kind  Sir,"  she 

said. 
"And  what  can  I  do  for  you,  my  pretty 

maid  ?  " 
"Oh!  give  me  Protection,  kind  Sir,"  she 

said. 
"Humph!   that  is  impossible,   my   pretty 

maid." 
"  Then  thank  you  for  nothing,  kind  Sir," 

she  said. 
"  Will   nothing   else   help   you,   then,   my 

pretty  maid?" 
"  Pay  my  rates  out  of  taxes,  kind  Sir,"  she 

said. 


THE  HOME  OF  PALM-ISTBY. — Kew  Gar- 
dens. 


64 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  8,  1896. 


Tommy  (who  has  just  begun  learning  French,  on  his  first  visit  to  Boulogne).  "  I  SAY,  DADDY, 
DID  YOU  CALL  THAT  MAN  'GfARQOif'?"  Daddy  (with pride).  "YES,  MY  BOY." 

Tommy  (after  reflection).  "I  SAY,  DADDY,  WHAT  A  BIG  GAR^ON  HE'LL  BE  WHEN  HE'S 
OUT  OF  JACKETS  AND  TURN-DOWNS,  AND  GETS  INTO  TAILS  AND  STICK-UPS  ! " 


CHINESE  PROVEBBS. 

(Adapted  from  the  English  by  an  Illustrious 
Traveller.) 

PERSONS  who  are  brought  to  England 
in  the  midst  of  a  Bank  Holiday  ought 
not  to  be  expected  to  be  too  cheerful  on 
the  following  morning. 

A  lodging  at  Carlton  House  Terrace  is 
better  than  a  mansion  in  Park  Lane. 

It  is  a  weary  tour  that  has  no  return- 
ing^ 

You  cannot  make  a  Shahzada  out  of  an 
ex- Viceroy,  especially  in  the  off  season. 


Any  sight  will  do  to  strike  an  Oriental 
with  astonishment. 

It  is  too  late  to  open  the  Palace  doors 
when  every  one  has  hurried  away  to  the 
seaside. 

Half  an  official  welcome  is  better  than 
an  ill-bred  mobbing. 

A  live  recluse  in  Pall  Mall  is  more 
valuable  than  a  hunted-to-death  lion  in 
Society. 

Look  after  the  heads  of  the  Govern- 
ment, and  the  contractors  and  the  manu- 
facturers will  take  care  of  themselves. 

Lastly,  you  may  bring  a  Chinese  BIS- 


MARCK thousands  of  miles  to  see  London, 
but  no  power  on  earth  will  induce  him  to 
visit  (if  he  does  not  desire  it)  the  South 
Kensington  Museum. 


DOMESTIC  BLISS. 

OUB  blissful  honeymoon 
Was  over  all  too  soon, 
And  then  we  settled  down  at  home  for 

good. 

I  sought,  but  sought  in  vain, 
For  courage  to  complain  ; 
It's   such  bad  form  to  talk  about  one's 
food. 

At  last  I  said,  "  My  dear, 
You  will  be  vexed,  I  fear  " 

(I  wanted  to  be  kind,  but  very  firm), 
"  I  can't  exist  on  sops  : 
I  'm  getting  tired  of  chops : 

We'll    part,    dear,    with    MARIA,    at   the 
term." 

So  down  the  tubes  next  morning 
We  gave  MARIA  warning, 

And  rammed  the  stopper  in  and  did  not 

wait; 

And  then  we  advertised, 
As  all  our  friends  advised, 

And  told  cooks  to  apply  here  after  eight, 

My  poor  wife  interviews, 
And  I,  to  help  her  choose, 

Remain  behind  a  paper  or  a  book ; 
But  'tis  with  pensive  pain 
I  notice  "  good  and  plain  " 

Are  qualities  most  valued  in  a  cook. 

They  differ  as  to  ages, 
They  differ  as  to  wages, 
But    all    object    to    washing,  —  which    is 

strange ; 

They  differ  as  to  dress, 
But  one  and  all  confess 
They've    left    their    places    only    "for    a 
change." 

They  stickle  for  their  right 
To  go  out  every  night, 

They're    careful    to    observe    Command- 
ment Four; 

But  yet  it  seems  they  shirk 
All  kinds  of  menial  work, 

Take  polishing  the  brasses  of  the  door. 

And  some  are  withered  crones 
Reduced  to  rags  and  bones, 
With  toothless  jaw,  and  bonnets  all  awry ; 
And  some  are  fat  and  florid, 
And  some  are  grim  and  horrid ; 
But  most  are  young  and  sensitive  and  shy. 
And    some    are    Plymouth    Bro- 
thers, 

And  some  are  widowed  mothers. 
And   very   many   say  they're    "Friendly 

Girls"; 

A  few  belong  to  missions, 
A  few  are  politicians, 
With   spectacles  and   bristling   corkscrew 

curls. 

At  last  my  wife  confessed 

She  felt  herself  depressed 

By   having    heard    five    characters   that 

day;  — 

And  did  I  not  feel  sorry 
I  'd  brought  her  all  this  worry  ? 
And  —  did  I   mind  P  —  MARIA   said   she  'd 
stay! 

She's  impudent  and  lazy, 
She  burns  the  poulet  braist, 
Her   stews  are   tough,   her   jellies   never 

clear ; 

Her  puddings  have  no  taste, 
Her  sauces  are  mere  paste — 
But  we've  raised  her  wages  two  pounds 
ten  a  year  I 


AUGUST  8,  1896.] 


65 


"HOW  TO  CELEBRATE  THE  LONGEST  AND  MOST  GLORIOUS 
REIGN  IN  ENGLISH  HISTORY." 

A  FEW  SUGGESTIONS. 
To  the  Editor  of  "  Punch." 

SIB,— How  could  we  better  celebrate  the  23rd  Sept.,  '96, 
than  by  giving  a  national  holiday,  and  half-a-crown  apiece — the 
half-crown  being  emblematical  of  loyalty  to  the  Crown — to  all 
employes?  Let  the  masters  pay  their  workpeople  all  the  same, 
so  that  no  man,  woman,  or  child  suffer  thereby  (except  the  said 
masters,  and  they  don't  count).  Nothing  could  be  more  fitting 
— from  our  point  of  view.  Yours  obediently,  AN  EMPLOYE. 

SIB,- — On  this  glorious  day,  let  all  employes  take  a  holiday — 
at  their  own  expense.  Yours  obediently, 

EMPLOYEE  OF  LABOUR. 

/jx  H.M.'s  Industrial  Establishment,  Princetown,  Dartmoor. 
SIR, — As  one  who  has  long — too  long — worn  Her  Majesty's 
uniform,  I  suggest  that  no  more  suitable  way  of  celebrating  this 
occasion  could  be  found  than  by  ordering  the  instant  release  of  all 
gentlemen  compulsorily  connected  with  this  establishment. 
Excuse  the  crest  on  this  letter  paper.  Yours  obediently, 

WILLIAM  SIKBS. 
Matabeleland. 

SIB, — Could  we  not  commemorate  this  great  day  by  establish- 
ing a  close  time  for  nigger  shooting  ?  Yours,  A  TBOOPEB. 

SIR, — It  would  be  a  graceful  act  if  all  keepers  of  licensed 
houses  were  to  open  their  bars,  that  day,  to  all  the  thirsty 
subjects  of  the  Queen  gratis.  I  approached  one  publican  on  the 
subject,  but  left  (hurriedly,  and  through  the  bottle  and  jug 
department  door)  without  waiting  for  any  definite  reply  on  his 
part.  Perhaps  you  might  meet  with  more  success.  Yours 
obediently,  A.  BOOZEB. 

SIB, — I  would  suggest  that  all  bookmakers  should  wipe  off 
arrears  to  Sept.  23rd,  when  it  comes  (this  would  include  the  St. 
Leger),  as  a  fitting  memorial  of  the  day.  Yours  obediently, 

PLXJNGBB. 

SIB, — I  would  like  to  suggest  that  all  backers  of  horses  should 
pay  up  all  arrears  of  what  they  owe  on  Sept.  23rd.  This 
would  cause  genuine  rejoicing  amongst  a  large  and  deserving 
class  of  the  community.  Yours  obediently,  BOOKMAKER. 

"  WOULD-BE  CYCLIST  "  suggests  that  half  a  million  wheelmen 
should  ride  abreast  up  the  Queen's  front  drive  at  Balmoral, 
ringing  their  bells  as  a  token  of  loyalty.  He  would  be  happy  to 
join  in  such  a  demonstration  if  Her  Majesty  will  kindly  supply 
him  with  a  machine. 

"A  BALLOONIST"  thinks  that  all  the  Board  School  children 
throughout  the  country  should  be  taught  to  parachute  between 
this  and  September  23rd,  on  which  date  a  monster  ascent  of 
the  whole  population  of  London  might  be  organised.  ' . 

Several  young  ladies,  born  in  1887,  and  saddled  with  the  name 
of  JUBILEE,  would  like  to  change  it  for  VICTOBIA  ALEXANDRINA, 
as  it  is  so  aggravating  to  have  one's  age  proclaimed  to  all  the 
world,  and  they  are  not  going  to  stand  it  any  longer,  so  there  1 

"SOCIALIST"  would  be  satisfied  .with  a  free  fight  of  twenty- 
four  hours'  duration,  in  Hyde  Park,  between  the  various  sec- 
tions of  "  Comrades  "  and  "  Fellow-workers,"  who  recently  gave 
expression  in  the  Queen's  Hall  in  similar  fashion  to  their  una- 
nimity and  solidarity.  If  any  blighted  brother-Anarchist  likes 
to  come  on (rest  suppressed) . 

"PEBFERVID  SCOT"  opines  that  the  Queen's  title  should  be 
altered  to  that  of  Empress  of  Great  and  Little  Cumbrae,  and  of 
their  adjacent  dependencies,  and  that  a  sum  not  exceeding  six- 
pence be  spent  in  apprising  Her  Majesty  of  the  fact. 

'  TOMMY  "  is  quite  sure  that  three  weeks'  extra  holidays  would 
be  the  best  means  of  enabling  him  to  realise  that  he  has  got  to 
remember  a  new  fact  in  English  history,  and  by  then  the  fruit 
season  will  be  over. 

And  Mr.  PUNCH  considers  that  everybody  might  learn  "  God 
Save  the  Queen,"  the  words  of  which  not  one  person  in  ten  can 
repeat  correctly.  The  rhymes  of  the  National  Anthem  might 
also  be  repaired. 

At  Cowes. 

First  Boatman.  Well,  the  German  Hemp'ror  ain't  a-cominc 
after  all  1 

Second  Boatman.  No  ;  yer  see,  if  he  did  a  come  arter  this  Dr. 
JIM  business,  'twould  be  like  hadding  hinsult  to  hinjury. 


LONDON 
4M 

NORTH  WESTERN 


THE    H    GRATUITOUS. 

Lady.  ' '  CAN  I  BOOK  THROUGH  FROM  HERE  TO  OBAN  ?/' 
Well-educated  Clerk  (correcting  her).   "HOLBORN,  YOU  MEAN.     No 

BUT  YOU   CAN   BOOK   TO   BROAD   STREET,    AND  THEN   TAKE  A   'BUS  !  " 


THE   PLAY  IN  PANTON  STEEET. 

DALY'S  comedians,  unlike  the  poor,  are  not  "always  with  us." 
Perhaps  one  of  these  days  they  may  "  come  to  stay."  At  present 
their  visits  are  flying  ones.  Mr.  DALY'S  Love  on  Crutches  has  cer- 
tainly "  caughij  on,"  and  had  it  a  few  weeks'  chance,  and  favour- 
able weather,  it  might  have  been  in  for  a  fairly  long  run.  It  is 
a  pleasant  adaptation  from  a  German  piece  which  has  something 
in  common  with  The  Adventures  of  a  Love  Letter,  taken  from 
SABDOU'S  Pattes  de  Mouche.  As  in  so  many  modern  German 
pieces,  there  is  an  interviewing  journalist.  Miss  ADA  REHAN  is 
very  amusing  as  Annis  Austin ;  her  sudden  transitions  from 
grave  to  gay  are  most  humorously  natural.  Miss  SYBIL  CARLISLE 
is  a  most  elegant  and  charming  widow.  Mr.  SIDNEY  HERBERT, 
as  her  lover,  seems  to  laugh  at  himself  occasionally  for  being  so 
dreadfully  in  earnest ;  otherwise  he  is  excellent.  Good,  too,  Mr. 
CHARLES  RICHMAN,  as  the  rather  ill-used  husband.  How  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Austin  ever  came  together,  and  how  they  then  quarrelled, 
or  were  estranged,  is  not  satisfactorily  explained.  But  there  it 
is ;  and,  this  being  the  foundation  of  the  play,  you  must  take  it 
for  granted,  as  in  all  problems  some  hypothesis  must  be 
granted,  otherwise  we  should  never  start.  Mr.  JAMES  LEWIS 
capital :  his  laugh  is  so  cheery,  and  he  enjoys  it  all  so  much. 
Quaint  Mrs.  GILBEBT,  disguised  as  a  young  person,  would  give 
more  vraisemblance  to  sharp  Mr.  BITTEBEDGB  GRESHAM'S  mis- 
take (he  plays  this  part  very  well)  were  she  to  wear  long, 
fashionable  gloves,  gants  de  Suede,  with  her  evening  costume. 
Hands  tell  tales  as  well  as  fortunes,  and  when  he  is  meditating 
whether  the  disguised  fair  one  is  seventeen  or  fifty,  the  ungloved 
hand  which  he  holds  and  caresses  ought  to  decide  him  in  a  second. 
The  company  leaves  us  at  the  end  of  this  week ;  therefore,  to 
those  remaining  in  town,  and  uncertain  of  what  to  do  with  their 
"  evening  out,"  I  advise  go  and  see  Love  on  Crutches.  But  why 
on  crutches? 


Regardless  of  the  Temperature. 

Facetious  Australian  (off  Calshot  Castle,  to  indisposed  friend). 
What  arm  of  the  sea  reminds  one  of  a  borrowed  boot  P 
The  "I.  F."  (feebly).  Give  it^-anything— up." 
F.  A.  Why,  the  Sole-lent,  to  be  sure. 

[The  "  I.  F."  is  promptly  carried  below. 


66 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  8,  1896. 


TANT/ENE    ANIMIS    CCELESTIBUS    IR/E  ? 

"WHAT  A  SHOCKING  BAD  APPOINTMENT  TO  THE  DEANERY  OF  BARCHESTER!" 

"  OH — I  DON'T  KNOW.    THE  USUAL  QUALIFICATIONS  :  OWN  BROTHER  TO  A  PEER,  AND  A 

FAILURE  WHEREVER  HE  HAD  BEEN   BEFORE  !  " 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

Torriba,  by  J.  CAMERON  GRANT,  is  one 
of  those  books  which  had  better  not  have 
been  written,  or,  if  written,  better  un- 
published, an  opinion  evidently  not  shared 
by  the  Westminster  CONSTABLE,  who  has 
taken  it  up  and  brought  it  out  in  one 
volume.  Some  of  the  idyllic  scenes  in 
the  story  are  charming ;  but,  personally, 
the  Baron  would  be  inclined  to  say  that 
"virginib'us  puerisque,"  c'est  defendu. 
Now  when  an  opinion  of  a  book  has  to 
be  expressed  in  two  foreign  languages, 
so  as  to  be  unintelligibly  intelligible,  it 
may  be  gathered  that  "  caute  legendum" 


would  have  to  be  written  on  the  cover, 
or,  say,  on  the  page  where  there  appears 
a  motto  to  the  work  which  may  be  sup- 
posed to  give  the  key-note  to  the  reader. 
Indeed,  this  story  might  well  have  been 
included,  and  have  found  its  right  place, 
in  "  The  Key-note  Series."  It  does  not 
end  unsatisfactorily,  seeing  that  the 
victim  is  revenged.  As  for  the  hero,  if 
hero  he  can  be  called,  well,  the  weak- 
knee'd  David  Copperfield,  placed  in  a  posi- 
tion similar  to  that  of  Senhor  Jose  (there 
is  a  meaning  intended  by  calling  him 
"  Jose ") ,  would  have  shown  himself  a 
more  manly  specimen  of  the  genus  homo. 
The  author  has  spoilt  his  improbable  ro- 


mance by  writing  with  a  bias  and  with  a 
design,  both  of  which  he  has  been  at  great 
pains  to  make  so  unmistakably  evident 
that,  in  doing  so,  he  has  defeated  his  own 
purpose,  for  which  more  than  one  reader 
who  has  taken  up  the  book  at  haphazard 
will  be  grateful  to  him.  At  least  so 
thinks,  and  says,  as  he  thinks, 

THE  BARON. 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

A  Mariner  at  Cowes  after  a  long  day's  cruising 
sings  to  his  Lady-love. 

ATHWART  his  golden  Western  bed 
The  sun  has  drawn  his  curtain  red, 
The  breeze  has  gone,  the  day  is  dead, 

Peace  on  the  deep,  darling,  peace  on  the 

deep! 

Our  yawl  swings  idly  with  the  tide, 
That  plashes  gently  'gainst  the  side, 
On  no  "  white  horses  "  now  we  ride — 

Sing  me  to  sleep,  darling,  sing  me  to 

sleep  ! 

Like  myriad  gems  the  fair  lights  glow 
On  deck,  around,  aloft,  below — 
The  jewelled  boats  glide  to  and  fro — 

A    fairydom    peep,    love,    a    fairydom 

peep! 

Enchanted  seems  this  lovely  isle. 
That  hour  by  hour  renews  its  while. 
Day  has  his  laughter,  Night  her  smile — 

Sing  me  to  sleep,  darling,  sing  me  to 


Your  voice  with  ever  constant  spell 
In  rich  romantic  theme  can  swell  — 
Or  softer  lays  of  love  can  tell 

With  accents  that  weep,  love,  with  ac- 

cents that  weep  ! 
No  fickle  Siren  sang  like  you, 
Your  harmony  is  music  true 
That  no  Ulysses  ever  knew  — 

Sing   me  to  sleep,  darling,   sing   me   to 

sleep  ! 

That  simple  ballad  —  what  a  balm 
It  brings  !  a  holy,  happy  calm, 
The  echo  of  some  long-lost  psalm  I 

Soothingly  sweet,  love,  soothingly  sweet! 
But  listening  on  this  waveless  sea 
I  feel  a  longing  wake  in  me. 
My  languor  's  lost  —  I  'm  fancy  free  ! 
I  must  have  —  strange  such  things  should 

be— 
Something  to  drink,  darling,  something 

to 


"QUEEN'S  DAY,    1896." 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH,  —  I  have  seen  so 
many  plans  promulgated  for  celebrating 
the  long  reign  of  our  gracious  Sovereign 
that  I  am  quite  bewildered  as  to  whether 
the  Queen  intends  to  take  off  the  income- 
tax  or  entertain  all  the  world  and  his 
wife  to  high  tea  in  Hyde  Park.  For  my 
own  part,  I  cannot  but  think  that  the 
most  practical  form  of  rejoicing  would  be 
for  our  beloved  monarch  to  leave  Bal- 
moral and  take  up  her  residence  at  Ken- 
sington Palace,  where  both  she  and  the 
Duchess  of  YORK  were  born.  It  is  a 
roomy  old  house,  and  the  Round  Pond  is 
famous  for  its  regattas.  I  am  sure  that 
my  idea  is  as  good  as  any  published,  and 
quite  as  mixed. 

Your  obedient  servant, 

METHUSALEM  MUDDLECHUMP. 


A  Suggestion  to  the  Poet-Laureate. 

OH  !  ALFRED  chief  of  poets !  why 
Indulge  your  fancy  mid  the  blues  ? 

To  green  Ardennes  then  why  not  hie  ? 
For  there  you  '11  find  a  cheerful  Mouse ! 


TUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.— AUGUST  8,  1896. 


EAST   LONDON   WATER   SUPPLY! 

COMPANY'S  TURNCOCK.  "NOW,  LOOK  'ERE,  DON'T  YOU  GO  A  WASTIN'  ALL  THIS  'ERE  VALUABLE 
WATER  IN  WASH1N'  AND  WATERIN'  YOUR  GARDENS,  OR  ANY  NONSENSE  O'  THAT  SORT,  OR  YOU  'LL 
GET  YOURSELVES  INTO  TROUBLE  !  " 


AUGUST  8,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


69 


'THALATTA!    THALATTA ! " 

General  CJwrus  (as  the  Children's  Excursion  nears  its  destination).   "On,  I  SAY  !     THERE  's  THE  SEA  !     'OORAY  !  ! ' 
Small  Soy.  "  I  'LL  BE  IN  FUST  ! " 


PRECIOUS  PAVEMENT. 

["  The  paving  of  the  footway  in  front  of  Mr.  VANDERBILT'S  house  is  said  to 
have  cost  £10,000,  the  largest  stone  being  worth  over  £2,000."  St.  James's 
Gazette.] 

YES,  Sir,  there 's  a  sidewalk  to  lick  all  creation ; 

Yes,  Sir,  an  Amurracan  did  it,  you  bet  1 
Just  greenbacks  and  dollars  have  done  the  tarnation 

Consarn,  there  are  mighty  few  things  they  cayn't  get. 

No  doubt,  Uncle  SAM,  but  one's  senses  are  whirling 

With  money  so  plentiful  that,  in  the  street, 
It  thus  can  be  scattered ;  ten  thousand  pounds  sterling 

Should  furnish  stone  paving  quite  nice  for  the  feet. 

So  do  not  buy  pictures,  but  paving — how  stunning ! 

Not  sculpture,  but  stones — how  surpassingly  sweet ! 
VELASQUEZ  and  REMBRANDT  are  not  in  the  running, 

And  feeble  old  PHIDIAS  takes  a  back  seat. 

By  Jove,  what  a  notion  for  others  to  follow  1 
In  London  some  fortunate  folks  fortunes  gain, 

And  they,  by  their  pounds  beating  dollars  quite  hollow, 
May  offer  to  gild  all  the  length  of  Park  Lane. 

Nay  more,  there's  poor  Italy  burdened — that's  clear,  eh? — 
With  ruinous  schemes  upon  which  she  embarks  ; 

Perhaps,  if  some  Croesus  would  give  enough  lire, 
She  'd  sell  him  the  paving  she  has  in  St.  Mark's. 

It 's  sadly  uneven,  but  careful  relaying 

Would  make  it  quite  flat,  and  it 's  old-fashioned  art,    - 
But  very  expensive  ;  so  someone,  by  paying, 

Might  make  a  new  stable-yard  awfully  smart. 

A  VALLEY-ABLE  HTDE-A.— Mr.  S.  H.  HYDE,  the  Secretary  cf 
the  Kempton  Park  Club,  is  trying  to  get  the  Thames  "Valley 
Line  connected  with  the  main  South-Western  System.  Curi- 
ously enough,  only  water  is  in  the  way.  But  still,  Mr.  Punch 
hopes  that  Mr.  HYDE  will  come  off  SooTTEH-free  in  this  respon- 
sible right  of  way. 


ADVICE  TO  YOUNG  CROQUET- PLAYERS. 

1.  Always  take    your   own  mallet   to   a  garden  party.     This 
will  impress  everyone  with  the  idea  that  you  are  a  fine  player. 
Or  an  alternative  plan  is  to  play  with  one  provided  by  your  host, 
and  then  throughout  the  game  to  attribute  every  bad  stroke 
to  the  fact  that  you  have  not  your  own  implement  with  you. 

2.  Use  as  many  technical  terms  as  you  can,  eking  them  out 
with  a  few  borrowed  from   golf.     Thus  it  will  always  impress 
your  partner  if  you  say  that  you  are  "  stimied,"  especially  as 
she  won't  know  what  it  means.     But  a  carefully-nurtured  repu- 
tation may  be  destroyed  at  once  if  you  confuse  "  roquet "  with 
"  croquet,"  so  be  very  careful  that  you  get  these  words  right. 

3.  Aim   for  at  least  three  minutes  before  striking  the  ball, 
and  appear  overcome  with  amazement  when  you  miss.     If  you 
have  done  so  many  times  in  succession,  it  may  be  well  to  remark 
on  the  unevenness  of  the  ground.     If  you  hit  a  ball  by  mistake 
always  pretend  that  you  aimed  at  it. 

4.  It  is  a  great  point  to  give  your  partner  advice  in  a  loud 
and  authoritative  tone — it  doesn't  matter  in  the  least  whether 
it  is  feasible  or  not.     Something  like  the  following,  said  very 
quickly,  always  sounds  well :  — "  Hit  one  red,  take  two  off  him 
and  make  your  hoop ;   send  two  red  towards  me  and  get  into 
position."     In  a  game  of  croquet  there  is  always  one  on  each 
side  who  gives  advice,  and  one  who  receives    (and   disregards 
it).     All    the   lookers-on    naturally    regard   the   former  as    the 
finer  player,   therefore   begin   giving  advice  on  your  partner's 
first  stroke.     If  she  happens  to  be  a  good  player  this  may  annoy 
her,  but  that  is  no  consequence. 

5.  Remember  that   "a  mallet's  length  from  the   boundary" 
varies  considerably.     If  you  play  next,  it  means  three  yards,  if 
your  opponent  does  so,  it  means  three  inches.     So,  too,  with 
the  other  "rules,"  which  no  one   really  knows.     When  in  an 
awkward  position,  the  best  course  is  to  invent  a  new  rule  on 
the  spur  of  the  moment,  and  to  allege  (which  will  be  perfectly 
true)  that  "  it  has  just  been  introduced." 

6.  Much  may  be  done  by  giving  your  ball  a  gentle  kick  when 
the  backs  of  the  other  players  happen  to  be  turned.     Many  an 
apparently  hopeless  game  has  been  saved  by  this  method.  Leave 
your  conscience  behind  when  you  come  to  a  croquet-party. 


70 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  8,  1896. 


LOST;    OR,    LUCID    INFORMATION. 

Kind-hearted  Old  Gent.   "THERE,  THERE,  DON'T  CRY  !    WHAT  's  YOUR  NAME  AND  WHERE 
DO  YOU  LIVE!"  Chorus.  "  BOOHOO  !    WE'SE  DOOLIE'S  TWINS!" 


OTIUM  CUM  (ALSO  SINE)  DIG. 

Elderly  Eelative.  So  you  have  finished 
your  first  term  as  a  public  school  boy, 
TOMMY.  And  how  do  you  like  itp 

Tommy.  Oh !  of  course  it 's  awfully  swell, 
and  all  that,  but 

E.  E.  (surprised).  But  what?  Don't 
they  give  you  enough  cricket,  eh  ? 

Tommy.  Enough  cricket!  I  should 
think  they  did.  I  'm  perfectly  sick  of  the 
game.  You  know  all  games  are  compul- 
sory, now? 

E.  E.  H'm!  Well,  why  not?  An  ex- 
cellent thing,  no  doubt. 

Tommy.  Ah  1  but  you  wouldn't  say  so 
if  you  were  there  yourself.  You  can't 
birds'-nest,  or  go  rowing,  or  cycling,  or 
anything  else.  It's  cricket  —  always 
cricket.  Next  term  it  '11  be  football.  I 
like  footer  now,  but  they  '11  make  me  hate 
it! 

E.  E.  (remembering  jolly  country  birds'- 
nesting  rambles  when  HE  was  a  boy).  It 
does  seem  a  little  hard.  Hockey,  now ; 
they  allow  hockey,  don't  they  ? 

Tommy.  Not  they !  It 's  much  too  stun- 
ning a  game  to  be  allowed. 

E.  E.  (trying  to  recall  memories  of  his 
youth).  I  used  to  like  marbles,  I  remem- 
ber ;  and  chestnuts. 

Tommy.  Marbles  and  chestnuts  are  bad 
form  ;  only  the  junior  school  play  at  them. 

E.  E.  (rather  humbled,  but  trying  to  be 
cheerful).  Well,  anyhow,  now  you  are  at 
the  seaside,  you  can  go  in  for  digging  in 
the  sands. 

Tommy  (shocked).  Digging  in  the  sand 
I  don't  know  what  the  fellows  woulc 
think  if  they  saw  me  with  a  spade.  That 's 
bad  form,  too.  Oh!  thanks,  awfully 
(pockets  it).  And — er — you  won't  be  of- 
fended, will  you? — but  would  you  mine 


jailing  me  "TOM"  in  future — not  "TOM- 
MY"? Sounds  better,  you  know.  Aw- 
fully obliged!  Ta-ta! 

[Walks  off  to  moon  about  the  pier 
and  look  at  other  people  enjoying 
themselves,  leaving  Elderly  Rela- 
tive wondering  whether  boys 
hadn't  more  pleasure  when  they 
had  kss  dignity. 


A  BALLADE  OF  LOST  OPPORTUNITIES. 

How  often  it  has  chanced  to  me 

To  be  reduced  to  silence  dead 
By  some  well-managed  repartee. 

Whose  author  up  to  it  has  led. 

Alasl  the  neat  retort  unsaid — 
I  think  of  what  I  ought  to  say 

Some  hours  afterwards  in  bed — 
The  chances  I  have  thrown  awayl 
Some  more  examples,  two  or  three — 

The  rocketer  unscathed  o'erhead, 
The  golf  ball  foozled  at  the  tee. 

At  billiards  the  unspotted  red ; 

The  girl,   with   whom   one   thought   to 

"  thread 
The  mazy  dance,"  but  made  delay, 

Snapped  up  by  some  one  else  instead — 
The  chances  I  have  thrown  away ! 

The  sights  it  had  been  mine  to  see ! 

The  paths  it  had  been  mine  to  tread ! 
The  man  it  had  been  mine  to  be  1 

The  books,  alone,  I  might  have  read ! 

Alas  the  hours  of  sunshine  fled, 
And  all  my  crop  of  unmade  hay  1 

Alas  1  a  lass  I  might  have  wed ! — 
The  chances  I  have  thrown  awayl 

Envoi. 
A  useless  sermon  1     They  have  sped, 

The  chances  grave,  the  chances  gay — 
Few  men  but  say,  as  I  have  said, 

"  The  chances  I  have  thrown  away  I " 


JEAMES  TO  THE  RESCUE 

[Lord  WOLSELEY  (giving  evidence  before  the 
*oval  Commission  on  the  Military  and  Civil  Ex - 
enditure  of  India)  being  asked  "  if  India  should 
ay  every  farthing  of  military  expense,"  answered 
romptly,  "  Yes ;  and  the  Navy,  too ! "] 

JEAMES  loquitur. 
PBROISELY    so!     I   likes   his   style!     The 

Harmy  and  the  Navy  1 
That  just  suits  me  and  my  hold  chum, 

JOHN  TOMMTTS  hof  Belgravy. 
We  reads  our  Mornin'  Posteses  round  at 

the  Runnin'  'Orses, 

And  feels  hourselves  a  sort  o'  part  of  Eng- 
land's loyal  forces. 
The  hinfluinks  hof  hunif orm  is  like  a  fellow 

feelink, 

It  makes  hus  wondrous  kind  all   round. 

Lord  WOLSELEY'S  plump,  plain  deahnk, 

Without    no    dabby,    flabby,    Labby-like 

hemotion,  pleases  me ; 
And  his  flat-footed  style  of  talk  consider- 
ably heases  me. 
We've  too  much  sloppy  sentunenk  a-spil- 

Un'  round  permiskers. 
You'd  think   we   wps   all   nussery-maids, 

not  men  with  wills  and  whiskers. 
This  cosmypollitan  mollyslop  do  put  me 

in  a  passion ; 
I  slaps  my  hand  upon  my  breast— that 

milingtary  fashion 
MATILDA-JANE    so    much   hadmires  — and 

feels  like  a  Field-Marshal ; 
And    ditto    to    Lord    WOLSELEY    is    my 

motter!     I  ain't  parshal 
To  furriners  of  any  sort;   I  own  it;   and 

for  niggers 
['ve     your     true     Britisher's     contemp. 

Black  faces  and  slim  figgers, 
Dark  'air  and  coffee-coloured  heyes,  may 

suit  your  Hexeter  Hallers, 
But    not  Lord    SOLSBTJRY    and    Me!     I'd 

like  to  squelch  the  squallera 
Who   cackle  about   Ingia's  rights.     She 's 

honly  what  we  give  her ; 
As  though  a  place  where  snakes  abound 

and  a  chap  carat  keep  no  liver 
Wos  wuth  a-worritting  about!     No  doubt 

they  're  sly  and  dodgy, 
Like  that  chap  with  a  rum  name,  wich  is 

as  near  NOWRODGY 
As  ain't  no  matter ;  but,  Great  Scott !  the 

Baboos  and  their  backers, 
Like  Mister  CAINE,  ain't  goin'  to  best  hus 

Britons!     Firework  crackers 
About   pore    Ingia   and  her   "rights,"  or 

Boers  and  theirn,  is  sickeninM 
I  think  the  fight  'twixt  Britons  and  the 

funiners  is  thickenin'. 
Oh  I     drat     the     Dutch!     Confound    the 
the  French  1    Flumbusticate  the  Ger- 
mans! 
And  bust   the    Yanks! !!     But   for   them 

cranks  as  spin  hus  soapy  sermons 
About  Baboos  and  other  blacks,  or  browns, 

or  drabs,  or  yallers, 
I  ain't  a  mite  c'  patience  with  the  un- 

patriot  f  allallers ; 
No  more 's  my  friend  JOHN  TOMMUS,   as 

aforesaid  hof  Belgravy, 
Nor  yet  Lord  WOLSELEY,  hevident!     Your 

black 's  a  decent  slavey, 
But   for  a   gent,    or  a   gent's  gent — wot 

snarlers  call  a  flunkey — 
A  nigger  isn't  no  more  fit  than  any  coon 

or  monkey. 

Pore    Ingia!      Bosh!     Sich    muck    won't 
wash.     Rupees  and  precious  stonses 
Is  wot  they  roll  in,    I  believe,   spite  o 

their  whines  and  groanses, 
CAINE'S    cant   and    old    NOWRODGY'S   rot. 

Let  'em  pay  hup  and  look  plesink ! 
Them 's  WOLSELEY'S  sediments,  and  mine . 
And  so  no  more  at  presinkt 


AUGUST  8,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


71 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTKACTED  FROM  THE  DlARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  July  27. 
— Quite  pathetic  to  see  SQUIRE  OF  MAL- 
WOOD  drawn  to-night  into  vortex  of  debate 
on  Uganda.  Not  much  of  a  maelstrom 
to  begin  with.  Government  proposed  to 
take  second  reading  of  Bill  authorising 
funds  for  Uganda  Railway.  The  PKOPHBT 
OP  OLD  PALAOB  YARD  (late  the  SAGE  OF 
QUEEN  ANNE'S  GATE),  leaving  for  awhile 
pleased  contemplation  of  Westminster 
Abbey  as  viewed  from  his  newly-opened 
conservatory  windows,  wants  to  know 
more  about  the  railway  and  its  prospects. 

If  GEORGE  CURZON  could,  on  his  honour 
as  Under-Secretary  of  State,  say  there 
was  any  prospect  of  a  native  COOK  or  an 
aboriginal  GAZE  establishing  a  touring 
company ;  if,  moreover,  he  could  assure 
the  -  House  there  was  on  the  part  of  the 
middle  classes  in  Uganda  any  disposition 
to  be  personally  conducted  by  rail  to  vari- 
ous watering-places  on  the  coast,  and  to 
places  of  social  and  historic  interest  in- 
land, opposition  might  be  withdrawn. 

GEORGE  CURZON,  anxious  above  all 
things  to  oblige,  was  not  able  to  give 
this  assurance.  That  was  bad.  Worse 
still  was  his  assertion  that  the  occupation 
of  Uganda  was  a  legacy  from  the  late 
Government,  and  his  declaration  that  if, 
regardless  of  possibilities  of  a  Uganda 
COOK,  we  did  not  build  the  railway,  Ger- 
many would.  That  more  than  the  SQUIRE 
could  stand.  Was  able  to  bear  with 
equanimity  the  charge  about  responsibilty 
for  Uganda.  There  was  the  almanack  to 
show  that  Lord  SALISBURY'S  second  ad- 
ministration preceded  in  point  of  date 
Mr.  GLADSTONE'S  fourth,  and  it  was  under 
the  friendly  patronage  of  the  MARKISS, 
in  face  of  strong  protest  by  the  then 
Opposition,  that  the  East  Africa  Com- 
pany, moved  by  those  purely  philan- 
thropic impulses  avowed  to-night  by 


"  Beef " 

(Mr.  Fl-v-n.) 

ex-Director    BURDETT-COUTTS,    settled    in 
Uganda.  What  the  SQUIRE  could  not  stand 


Toby,  M.P.  (to  our  Distinguished  Visitor  from  China).  "  Sir,  as  one  of  the  Celestials,  your  Excel- 
lency's visits  must  be  few  and  far  between.  I  regret  your  Excellency  has  arrived  when  the  Season 
is  over,  and  Parliament  just  finishing.  Though,  between  ourselves,  Excellency,  as  to  the  latter,  you 
haven't  missed  much, 


Uls      XD  w       HIM<      1(IL       ut^LTT^^la.  A     icglcb      VUU1      XoAVQUVUVT       lido      UJblTUU       "J 

.ent  just  finishing.     Though,  between  ourselves,  Excellency,  as  to 
i,  their  performance  having  been  very  indifferent.     Chin-chin  ! " 


was  the  off-hand  reference  to  Germany. 
Took  the  Under-Secretary  in  his  teeth,  as 
a  mastiff  might  take  a  terrier,  shook  him 
carefully,  so  as  not  to  hurt  him,  and  re- 
placed him  on  Treasury  Bench. 

"  Nice  boy,  GEORGE,"  he  said,  when  the 
lesson  was  finished.  "  Clever  and,  what 
is  more  valuable  in  a  Minister,  painstak- 
ing. Knows  what  he 's  talking  about,  and 
talks  well.  But  a  little  friendly  pawing 
over  does  him  good.  Besides,  what  did 
he  mean  by  saddling  us  with  Uganda  ?  " 

Business  done.  Quite  a  heap.  Looks 
like  getting  away  on  15th  after  all. 

Tuesday. — Mr.  MICHAEL  JOSEPH  FLA- 
VIN'S maiden  speech  not  a  success  exactly 
upon  lines  anticipated  in  domestic  circle. 
Nevertheless  it  proved  most  delightful 
thing  enjoyed  this  Session  by  bored 
House.  Report  Stage  Irish  Land  Bill 
under  discussion.  One  amendment  talked 
about  for  full  two  hours.  Dinner  time 
coming  on.  Debate  apparently  played 
out.  Hungry  Members  getting  ready  to 
rush  through  division  lobbies,  became  con- 
scious of  tall  figure  upstanding  below 
Gangway  ;  left  hand  gracefully  reposed  in 


trowser  pocket,  leaving  on  view  abundant 
display  of  Sunday  shirt-cuff ;  in  other 
hand  "sheaf  of  notes  promising  speech  of 
hour's  duration. 

A  moment's  pained  pause ;  then  Mr. 
FLAVIN'S  equanimity  startled  by  outburst 
of  angry  roar  for  division.  When  it  sub- 
sided, a  voice  shod  in  fine  rich  brogue 
heard  to  say,  "Well,  I'm  not  goin'  to 
keep  you  more  than  ten  minutes." 

Ten  minutes !  Proposal  enough  to  take 
away  remaining  breath.  Ordinary  Mem- 
ber confronted  by  similar  circumstances 
says  he  won't  take  more  than  a  minute. 
At  most  two.  MICHAEL  JOSEPH,  critically 
eyeing  bulk  of  notes,  thinks  he  may  get 
through  in  ten.  This  charmed  House. 
When  roar  of  laughter  subsided,  MICHAEL 
commenced.  His  leading  idea  was  to 
show  that  prices  of  agricultural  products 
are  lower  than  they  were  sixteen  years 
ago.  To  that  end  had  spent  days  and 
nights  sprawling  over  market  tables.  His 
notes  crowded  with  parallel  columns  of 
figures.  House  cheered  enthusiastically 
when  he  showed  how  barley  was  so  much 
in  1880  and  so  much  less  in  1896. 


72 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  8,  1896. 


The  Member  for  North  Kerry  blushed 
with  conscious  pride.  House  of  Com- 
mons, after  all,  a  body  of  fair  men.  His 
labour  had  not  been  in  vain. 

"  Now  oats,"  he  said. 

Tremendous  cheering.  Flurried  by  this 
generous  applause,  MICHAEL  J.  got  his 
oats  a  little  mixed.  Process  of  re-assort- 
ment not  assisted  by  shouts  of  laughter 
From  Members  opposite. 

"Beef,"  Mr.  FLAVIN  roared,  as  if  that 
were  the  next  course,  and  there  would  be 

cut  all  round  if  Members  would  only 
have  patience. 

At  this  stage  SPBAKEB  interposed ; 
pointed  out  that  method  of  inquiry  pur- 
sued by  MICHAEL  was  a  little  minute  foi 
the  stage  of  the  Bill  now  reached.  That 
was  awkward.  M.  J.,  ignorant  of  Parlia- 
mentary prejudices,  had  filled  his  notes 
with  market  prices.  If  they  were  ta- 
booed, there  was  nothing  left  for  him. 
Looked  at  his  notes  with  rueful  face,  at 
sight  of  which  House  went  off  into  an- 
other fit  of  laughter  that  threatened  tc 
create  vacancies  in  boroughs  and  counties 
represented  by  gentlemen  of  apoplectic 
habit. 

"Very  well,  Mr.  SPEAKER,"  said  M. 
JOSEPH,  with  voice  choked  by  emotion ; 
"  I  will  give  only  a  few  more  particulars. 
There  's  butter.  Now,  butter  is  an  indi- 
rect product  of  the  land.  What  was  its 
price  sixteen  years  ago  ?  " 

"  Agreed !  agreed !  "  shouted  Members. 
Far  above  the  tumult  Mr.  FLAVIN'S  voice, 
its  mellifluous  tones  suggestive  of  a  mouth 
filled  with  melted  butter,  pealed  forth 
prices  per  pound  in  1880  as  compared 
with  these  overstocked  days.  Merrj 
uproar  so  great  it  was  difficult  to  follow 
line  of  argument.  MICHAEL  getting  a 
little  angry.  Next  thing  heard  as  he 
waved  his  notes  defiantly  in  face  of  Colo- 
nel SATTNDERSON  was  the  battle-cry  "  Eggs 
fippence  a  dozen." 

"  Will  anyone  contradict  me  ? "  he 
shouted. 

Certainly  not.  On  the  contrary,  cry 
of  "Agreed!  agreed!"  burst  forth  from 
all  sides.  That  was  worse  than  anything. 
There  would  be  some  comfort  in  contra- 
diction. If  they  insisted  upon  agreeing 
with  him,  what  was  the  use  of  setting 
forth  these  carefully  collated,  and,  as  fai 
as  the  landlords  of  Ireland  are  concerned 
damnatory  figures?  Still  there  they  were, 
and  Mr.  FLAVIN'S  affection  for  them,  his 
earnest  anxiety  that  the  beneficent  ef- 
fects of  their  companionship  should  be 
shared  by  the  House,  was  pathetic. 

"  I  am  not  giving  these  figures  to  sat- 
isfy my  own  curiosity,"  was  one  of  the 
few  complete  sentences  heard  amid  the 
storm  of  laughter. 

Mr.  FLAVIN  growing  really  angry. 
Had  only  just  commenced  his  notes. 
From  time  to  time  he  turned  them  over, 
evidently  with  desire  to  meet  incompre- 
hensible but  unmistakable  disinclination 
of  House  to  have  matter  enlarged  upon. 
But  could  not  find  in  his  heart  to  omit 
a  line. 

"There  are  pigs,"  he  shouted,  with 
sweep  of  arm  indicating  the  full  range  ol 
crowded  benches  opposite. 

The  gesture  was  accidental,  certainly 
was  not  meant  to  be  indicative.  But 
these  were  last  words  of  FLAVIN.  The 
House  roared  for  what  seemed  five  min- 
utes, at  the  end  of  which  time  the 
SPEAKER  moving  ominously  in  his  chair 
MICHAEL  JOSEPH  abruptly  sat  down. 

Business  done. — Another  all-night  sit- 
ting. Land  Bill  got  through  Report  stage 


Thursday.  —  DON  JOSE'S  statement  to- 
night on  moving  appointment  of  Select 
Committee  to  inquire  into  Transvaal 
Raid  an  object-lesson  for  Members  and 


misingly  honest,  it  would  be  a  better  world 
to  live  in.  He 's  not  a  landlord,  nor  even 
cousin  to  a  peer.  No  slight  thing  for 
him  to  sacrifice  Ministerial  position  to 
which  he  fought  his  way  by  sheer  capacity. 
Yet  he  was  prepared  to  do  that  rather 
than  stultify  himself.  Of  course,  he 
hasn't  got  all  he  wanted  in  manipulation 
of  Irish  Land  Bill.  But  who  has  ?  As 
JOHN  MORLEY  omitted  to  say  in  first  edi- 
tion of  his  well-known  work,  "Compro- 
mise underlies  every  move  in  the  game  of 
politics." 

Business  done. — Lords  read  Irish  Land 
Bill  a  second  time. 


A  Humble  Interrogator. 
(Mr.  M-c-l-se.) 

Ministers.  A  ticklish  question ;  situation 
bristling  with  difficulties ;  a  string  oi 
amendments  pendant  from  motion 
Every  prospect  of  prolonged  debate  ap- 
propriating sitting  allotted  to  batch  ol 
useful  Bills.  DON  JOSE  the  centre  of 
attention  in  crowded  House.  All  the 
world  listening  at  the  doors.  Supreme 
opportunity  for  oratorical  display. 

Some  people,  who  shall  be  nameless, 
would  have  risen  to  height  of  occasion ; 
delivered  oration  an  hour  long,  perhaps 
two.  Within  space  of  ten  minutes  Dof- 
JOSE  had  finished  his  task.  Not  a  word 
too  much.  Not  a  sentence  incomplete. 
Disarmed  Opposition  before  opportunitj 
was  presented  to  draw  the  sword.  Po- 
lemical debate,  the  worst  possible  thinp 
in  delicate  circumstances  of  the  case 
avoided.  Nearly  the  whole  sitting  saved 
for  practical  work ;  above  all,  initial  stage 
of  delicate  inquiry  started  free  from  blasi 
of  party  conflict. 

Business  done.  —  Transvaal  Committee 
ordered.  Several  Bills  advanced. 

Friday. — "  And  they  say  this  Govern- 
ment has  no  sense  of  humour ! " 

Of  course,  no  one  had  said  anything  of 
the  kind.  But  that 's  SARK'S  conversa- 
tional manner.  Remark  arose  in  con- 
nection with  announcement  that  Select 
Committee  on  Distress  from  Want  of 
Employment,  under  Chairmanship  of 
T.  W.  RUSSELL,  has  agreed  upon  its 
report. 

Anything  more  poignant  than  T.  W.'s 
Distress  from  Want  of  Employment 
throughout  the  debate  on  the  Irish  Lane 
Bill  1  have  never  seen,"  SARK  says.  "  Nol 
convenient  from  Government  point  oi 
view  for  T.  W.  to  take  part  in  debate  on 
subject  he  knows  more  intimately  than 
most  men  in  House.  So  they  make  him 
Chairman  of  this  Committee." 

All  very  well  to  poke  fun  at  T.  W.  ; 
but  if  all  politicians  were  as  uncompro- 


COMMON  OR  GARDEN  RHYMES 

THE  CANTERBUEY  BELL 

THE  poets  have  flowers  enough  to  sing, 

Yet  ever  the  same  old  chorus  swell ; 
Why  is  it  they  never  the  changes  ring 
On  the  sweet  and  delicate  Canterbury 

Bell? 
Fair  Kent  with  its  wealth  of  blossom  and 

fruit, 
"The  Garden  of  England"  men  name 

right  well, 

But  the  pride  of  Kent  beyond  all  dispute 
Is  the  Kentish  flower,  the  Canterbury 

Bell. 
Just  one   short  week  in   the   long,    long 

year— - 

For  so  brief  a  season  it  casts  its  spell — 
The  crowds  all  gather  from  far  and  near 
In  the  close  where  blooms  the  Canter- 
bury Bell 
And  the  "Kentish  men"  and  the  "men 

of  Kent/' 

If  asked  their  favounte  flower  to  tell, 
Alike  make  answer  with  one  consent — 
"  There  is  none  compares  with  the  Can- 
terbury Belle!" 


A    QUESTION    OF    ETIQUETTE. 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH,  —  Knowing  you  to 
be  a  past  master  in  the  art  of  courtesy, 
I  venture  to  submit  the  following  hard 
case  to  your  judgment.  The  other  morn- 
ing, being  a  none  too  experienced  cyclist, 
I  ventured  into  the  Park  on  my  "  wheel " 
at  an  early  hour,  thinking  to  have  a  little 
practice  unobserved.  Judge  of  my  horror 
when,  as  I  was  wobbling  along,  I  was 
suddenly  confronted  by  the  Duchess  of 
Xminster  and  her  daughters,  all  expert 
riders!  Her  Grace  and  the  Ladies  Wise- 
acre bowed  to  me  in  the  most  affable  way, 
but,  afraid  to  leave  go  of  the  handles  of 
my  machine,  I  could  only  NOD  in  return. 
And  I  have  always  been  renowned  for  the 
elegance  with  which  I  remove  my  chap- 
eau!  These  noble  ladies  have  since  cut 
me  dead.  I  cannot  blame  them,  but  I 
venture  to  suggest,  for  your  approval, 
that  the  raising  of  the  right  elbow,  such 
as  is  practised  by  coachmen,  gentle  and 
simple,  should  be  adopted  by  all  cyclists. 
I  think  that  I  could  manage  the  move- 
ment. Yours  in  social  despair, 

AMELIUS  AMBERGRIS. 

Bayswater,  Aug.  1. 


DULCET  LITERATURE. — A  novel  has  just 
appeared  called  A  Sweet  Disorder.  We 
understand  that  it  will  shortly  be  followed 
by  A  Chocolate  Complaint,  A  Toffee  Tre- 
mens,  A  Rahat-laltoum  Rabies,  A  Li" 
quorice  Languor,  A  Candy  Catarrh,  A 
Sugar  Stomach-ache,  and  A  Burnt  Al- 
mond Ailment,  all  of  which  works  cannot 
fail  to  be  highly  popular  with  the  medical 
profession. 


'AUGUST  15,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


73 


"TELL  YOUR  FORTUNF,  PRETTY  GENTLEMAN?" 


ENCOEE,  W.  G. ! 

[Playing  for  Gloucester  against  Sussex  at  Bristol, 
on  August  3,  4,  5,  the  veteran  Doctor  "W.  G. 
GRACE  scored  301  runs.] 

THREE  Hundred  and  One,  and  at  forty- 
eight  I ! ! 

Well,  words  are  used  up !  Be  the  Doc- 
tor's fate 

To  score,  standing  straight  as  to-day  by 
the  sticks, 

Six  Hundred  and  Two  when  he 's  ninety- 
,six! 

Nay,  by  Jove,  if  like  this  he  still  keeps 
up  the  fun, 

He  may  yet  score  a  century  when  he  is 
one ! 

Of  century-pilers  the  season  's  not  barren, 

There 's    ABEL    the    midget,    and    mighty 

McLAREN, 

"  RANJI,"  and  IREDALE,  and  GIFFEN,  and 

TROTT, 

And  several  more  in  the  Cornstalk  lot ; 
HAYWARD   and    STORER,    and   how    many 

more  ? 

But  W.  G.  still  keeps  topmost  score  ; 
After   thirty   odd   seasons    still   holds    his 

place, 
And   gives   us  one   other   true    "Year   of 

GRACE  ! " 


SEASIDE    EESOETS 
To  be  avoided  by  Certain  People. 

BIRCHINGTON — by  schoolboys. 
Broadstairs — by  bashful  young  ladies. 
Ryde — by  bad  equestrians. 
Torquay — by  M.P.'s. 

Swanage — by  young  writers  to  the  Signet. 
Weymouth — by  lovers  of  sweet  milk. 
Whitby — by  dullards. 

Exmouth — by  shunners  of  Rontgen  rays. 
Blackpool — by  indifferent  billiard  players. 
Barmouth — by  heavy  drinkers. 
Isle  of  Man — by  New  Women. 
Clevedon — by  university  dignitaries. 
Clacton — by  dramatic  critics. 
Freshwater — by  East  London  turncocks. 
Deal — by  unlucky  card-players. 
Trimingham — by  milliners. 
Lyme — by  jerry  builders. 
Minehead — by  exiles  from  the  Rand. 
Cullercoats — by  jockeys. 
Looe — by  gamblers. 
Musselburgh — by  weak  persons. 
Bray — by  costermongers. 
Burnham — by  incendiaries. 
Ayr — by  stuffy  folk. 
Boscombe — by  master  hair-dressers. 
Southsea — by   promoters   of   bubble    com- 
panies. 


THE  CANTANKEROUS  CONSUMER 

["  The  average  wife  would  never  trouble  herself 
to  procure  a  postal  order  and  write  a  letter  every 
time  she  wanted  farm  produce.  She  likes  better  to 
visit  a  dozen  tradesmen  and  have  little  parcels  sent 
to  her  door." — Vide  Letter  to  a  Daily  Paper.'] 

1.  Decide  to   send    all    my  vegetables, 
fruit,    honey,    &c.,    in    future    to  private 
consumers  direct.     Why    be     under    the 
thumb  of  the  shop-keeper,   the  grasping 
middleman,  for  ever?     I  won't  I 

2.  After  fearful  expense  in  advertising, 
sending    round    circulars,      and     appeals 
(rather    infra    dig.,     this?)     to     pnvate 
friends,  I  've  managed  to  hook  a  few  pro- 
mises from  heads  of  families. 

3.  Find  that  every  family  likes  different 
things.      Awfully    bothering!     Some    like 
potatoes  waxy,  others  floury.     My  honey 
too  sweet  for  some,  not  sweet  enough  for 
others.     Then  the  way  these  private  con- 
sumers complain !     "  Why  can't  I  supply 
apples   easier   to    peel — not   so   nobbly  ? " 
Would  mean  pulling  up  all  the  trees  in 
my  orchard  and  planting  new  ones. 

4.  Families  go  away  in  the  summer,  and 
"  don't  want  any   more    supplies   at   pre- 
sent."    But  I  don't  go  away;   and  I  do 
want  supplies—of  cash. 

5.  People  quite  offended,  I  find,  if  I  ask 
for     "  prompt     remittances."     Then  they 
begin  to  find  fault  with  my  cauliflowers! 
How  mean ! 

6.  Sudden  falling  off  in  orders.     Why 
is   this  ?     I  Ve   discovered  reason.     Bene- 
volent railway   company   is  charging 
extra  at  other  end  for  delivery.     Protests. 
Vague  replies.     No  redress.     Ends  in  my 
having  to  pay  that  sixpence. 

7.  More  advertising.     Who  would  be  a 
farmer?     Or    am    I  a    market-gardener? 
Don't   know — everything   confused   nowa- 
days.    See   the  G.   O.    M.    has  been   dis- 
coursing on  joys  of  country  life.     Wish  I 
had  a  iolly  shop  in  Seven  Dial's,  I  know ! 

8.  Wretchedly      small       orders.      Why 
aren't  families  bigger  ?    Or  hungrier,  any- 
how?    Fancy  having  to  sort  out  "6  new- 
laid   eggs  a  week,  2    cabbages,    2    cauli- 
flowers, and  half  a  peck  of  peas ! "    Nig- 
gling work.     And    if    a    '-single    egg    gets 
broken,  consumer  deducts  for  it. 

9.  "Will  it  do,"  asks  one  matron,  "if  I 
am  paid  by  cheque  once  a  year  ?  "    Won't 
do  at  all,  "unless  she  can  give  me  names 
of  two  guarantors,  one  the  clergyman  of 
her   parish."     Indignant     letter     back — 
"she  is  not  a  servant,  and  does  not  give 
references."     Lost  her! 

10.  Have  chucked  up  my  private  fami- 
ies.     Couldn't  stand  them.     Much  too  un- 
certain, coy,    and  hard   to   please.     Back 
to  middleman.      Prefer  one  good  hearty 
professional  swindler  to  fifty  private  nig- 
gers and  naggers ! 


One  Way  of  Looking-  at  it. 

Customer  (to  Proprietor  of  Up-to-date 
Restaurant).  Well,  Signer  ROMELLI,  how 
does  a  Bank  Holiday  suit  your  business  ? 

Signor  E.  Splendid,  Sir !  No  chance  of 
what  you  call  bad  chicks  come  back  to 
roost  from  the  bank  on  that  day ! 


VERY  LOW  FORM  ON  THE  PART  OF  FATHER 
THAMES. 

Boy  (standing  in  mid-stream  at  Kew,  to 
boating  varty).  'Ere  yer  are!  Tow  yer 
up  to  Richmond  Lock!  All  by  water, 
Sir!  

THE  EASTERN  QUESTION. — How  to  im- 
love  the  East  London  Water  Supply. 


VOL.  oxi 


74 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  15,  1896. 


PORTRAIT    OF    AN    IDEAL    WARDEN    OF    THE    CINQUE-PORTS. 

"SALISBURY,  CHEER  THY  SPIRIT  WITH  THIS  !" 

Henry  the  Sixth,  Part  I.,  Act  i.,  Sc.  4. 
["  Saturday,  August  15.    Installation  of  the  PREMIER  at  Dover."— Fixture  from  the  Week's  Calendar.] 


AUGUST  15,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


75 


THINGS    ARE    NOT    ALWAYS    WHAT    THEY    SEEM. 


THE  ABOVE  IS  NOT  A  COWARDLY  ATTACK  UPON  AN  UNPROTECTED  LADY  CYCLIST,  BUT  MERELY  TOM  GIVING  HIS  HEART'S  IDOL 

HER  FIRST  LESSON. 


THE  WEDDING  GUESTS  VADE  MECUM. 

Question.  When  you  are  asked  to  be  present  at  a  certain 
church  and  afterwards  at  some  address,  what  is  your  first  care  ? 

Answer.  To  send  a  suitable  present  for  the  bride's  acceptance. 

Q.  What  meaning  do  you  attribute  to  the  word  "  suitable  "  ? 

A.  By  suitable,  I  mean  a  fitness  for  display  on  a  table,  and 
subsequent  description  in  a  lady's  paper. 

Q.  But  is  not  your  choice  of  a  cadeau  influenced  by  your  feel- 
ing of  affection  and  esteem  for  the  intended  recipient  ? 

A.  Certainly ;  but  as  it  is  impossible  to  present  anything 
novel,  it  is  wise  to  follow  the  lead  of  the  majority  to  avoid 
singularity. 

Q.  What  will  be  the  probable  result  of  the  pursuit  of  this 
course  ? 

A.  That  the  bride  will  receive  either  a  fifth  silver  card-case, 
a  ninth  dozen  of  silver  fish-knives,  or  a  thirty-third  carriage- 
clock. 

Q.  What  will  you  learn  when,  say,  the  thirty-third  carriage- 
clock  has  been  received  ? 

A.  That  the  thirty-third  carriage-clock  was  just  what  the 
bride  wanted. 

Q.  What  is  the  characteristic  of  the  regulation  wedding 
present  P 

A.  That  it  is  contained  in  a  case  of  rather  disproportionate 
magnificence. 

Q.  Be  kind  enough  to  give  an  example  to  more  fully  explain 
your  meaning. 

A.  A  silver  serviette  ring  embedded  in  rich  silk  and  velvet, 
and  protected  from  the  dust  by  a  box  of  Morocco. 

Q.  If  you  are  fairly  wealthy,  and  sufficiently  intimate  with 
the  bride's  parents  to  make  the  present,  what  is  the  best  kind 
of  gift  to  bestow? 

A.  A  cheque  for  a  substantial  sum  that  can  be  expended  by 
the  young  people  upon  something  really  desirable  for  their  rew 
menage. 


Q.  Is  not  every  wedding  present  more  or  less  useful? 

A.  Unquestionably ;  but  a  young  housekeeper  may  possibly 
experience  some  difficulty  in  disposing  satisfactorily  of  (say) 
seventy-six  pairs  of  silver  candlesticks,  and  a  baker's  dozen  ol 
chiming  dinner-gongs. 

Q.  On  the  whole,  is  the  custom  of  giving  presents  at  weddings 
commendable  ? 

A.  Yes,  for  whatever  may  be  the  gift,  it  is  a  token  of  good- 
will to  the  newly-married  couple  that  should  bring  fair  fortune 
to  both  donor  and  recipient. 

Q.  And  what  may  be  said  of  the  man  who  objects  to  the 
pleasant  practise  ? 

A.  If  he  be  wedded,  that  his  own  nuptial  life  must  have  been 
a  failure,  and  if  he  be  a  bachelor,  he  does  not  deserve  to  be 
married. 


Two  Governments. 

How  Governments  fare  in  our  wisest  of  lands  1 

How  leaders  are  foiled  though  they  're  sages  and  braves ! 
The  last  one  was  twitted  with  "ploughing  the  sands," 

The  present  gave  promise  of  "  ruling  the  waves." 
But  "  sowing  the  wind  "  seems  much  more  in  its  line, 

And  "  reaping  the  whirlwind  "  its  fate,  up  to  now. 
A  Cabinet  great,  a  majority  fine, 

With  an  eye  like  to  Mars  and  a  Jovian  brow, 
Will  surely  not  end  in  untimely  self-slaughter, 
Or,  leave,  like  poor  KEATS,  a  name  written  in  water. 


of    "avis"    on    those 


At  Boulogne. 

Ted  (to  'Arry).  What's  the  meaning 
placards  ? 

'Arry.  There's  a  question  from  a  feller  as  'as  studied  Latin 
with  me  at  the  Board  School  1  'Ave  you  forgotten  all  about 
the  black  swan  ?  It 's  a  notice  about  birds,  of  course  I 


76 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  15,  1896. 


JOTTINGS    AND    TITTLINGS. 

(BY  BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO  JABBERJEE,  B.A.) 
No.  XX. 

Mr.  Jabberjee  distinguishes  himself  in  the  Bar  Examination,  but  is  less 
successful  in  other  respects.  He  writes  another  extremely  ingenious 
epistle,  from  which  he  anticipates  the  happiest  results. 

I  AM  happy  to  announce  that  I  have  passed  the  pons  asinorum 
of  Bar  Exam  with  facility  of  a  camel  penetrating  the  needle's 
eye.  Tant  mieux!  Huzza!  Tol-de-rol-loll ! ! ! 

My  dilatoriness  in  publishing  this  joyful  intelligence  is  due  to 


Huzza  !     Tol- Je-rol-lolJ ! ; 


fact  that  I  have  only  recently  received  official  information  of 
my  triumph,  which  my  family  are  now  engaged  in  celebrating 
at  Calcutta  with  paeans  of  transport,  illuminations,  fireworks,  an 
English  brass  band,  and  delicacies  supplied  (on  contract  system) 
from  Great  Eastern  Hotel. 

And  yet  so  great  was  my  humility  that,  when  I  entered  Lin- 
coln's Inn  Hall  one  Monday  shortly  before  10  A.M.,  and  received 
pens,  some  foolscaps,  and  a  printed  exam  paper  on  the  Law  of 
Real  and  Personal  Property  and  Conveyancing,  I  was  at  first  as 
melancholy  as  a  gib  cat,  and  like  to  eat  my  head  with  despair  I 

So  much  so  that  I  began  my  answers  by  pathetically  imploring 
my  indulgent  father  examiner  to  show  me  his  bowels  of  compas- 
sion, on  ground  that  I  was  an  unfortunate  Bengalee  chap, 
afflicted  by  narrow  circumstances  and  a  raging  tooth,  and  that 
my  entire  earthly  felicity  depended  upon  my  being  favoured 
with  qualifying  marks. 

However,  on  perusal  of  the  paper,  I  found  that,  owing  to 
diligent  cram  and  native  aptitude  for  nice  sharp  quillets  of  the 
law,  I  could  floor  it  upon  my  caput,  being  at  home  with  every 
description  of  mortgage,  and  having  such  things  as  reversions 
and  contingent  remainders  at  the  extremities  of  my  finger-end«. 

In  the  afternoon  I  was  again  examined  in  Law  and  Equity, 
answering  nearly  every  question  with  great  copiousness  and 
best  style  of  composition,  quoting  freely  from  Hon'ble  SNELL  and 
UNDERBILL  to  back  my  opinion.  Unhappily,  I  lost  some  of  my 
precious  time  because,  finding  that  I  was  required  by  the  paper 
to  "discuss"  a  certain  statement,  I  left  my  seat  in  search  of 
some  pundit  with  whom  I  might  carry  on  such  a  logomachy. 
And  even  now  I  fail  to  see  how  one  individual  can  discuss  a  ques- 


tion in  pen  and  ink,  any  more  than  a  single  hand  is  capable  of 
making  a  clap.  Which  I  gave  as  my  reason  for  not  attempting 
the  impossible. 

The  ordeal  endured  for  four  days.  In  the  Roman  Law  de- 
partment, I  was  on  the  spot  with  titillicidium  and  similar  servi- 
tudes, and  in  Criminal  Law  I  did  vastly  distinguish  myself  by 
polishing  off  an  intricate  legal  problem  about  Misters  A.,  B.  and 
C.,  and  certain  bicycles,  though,  as  I  stated  in  a  postscripts  in, 
not  being  the  practical  cyclist,  I  could  not  be  at  all  responsible 
for  the  accuracy  of  my  solution,  and  hinted  that  it  was  somewhat 
infra  dig,  for  such  solemn  dry-as-dusts  as  the  Council  of  Legal 
Education  to  take  any  notice  at  all  of  these  fashionable  but 
flimsy  mechanisms. 

When  called  up  for  viva  voce  purposes,  I  dumb-foundered  my 
examiner  by  the  readiness  and  volubility  of  my  responses,  to 
such  an  extent  that,  after  asking  one  question  only,  he  intimated 
his  complete  satisfaction,  and  I  divined  by  his  smiles  that  he 
was  secretly  determined  to  work  the  oracle  in  my  favour. 

And  so  I  arrived  at  the  pretty  Pass  by  dint  of  flourishing  my 
trumpet.  But,  heigho!  some  fly  or  other  is  the  indispensable 
adjunct  of  every  pot  of  ointment,  and  while  I  was  still  jumping 
for  joy  at  having  passed  the  steep  barrier  of  such  a  Rubicon, 
there  came  a  letter  from  Miss  JESSIMLNA  which  constrained  me 
to  cachinnate  upon  the  wrong  side  of  nose  1 

It  appeared  that,  pursuant  of  my  request,  she  had  been  to  call 
upon  Hon'ble  Sir  CHETWYND,  who  had  duly  informed  her  that 
I  was  not  the  genuine  Rajah  or  any  kind  of  real  Prince,  nor 
yet  a  Croesus  with  unlimited  cash. 

Here,  if  Hon'ble  CUMMERBUND  had  stopped,  or  represented  me 
as  a  worthless  riddance  of  bad  rubbish,  all  would  have  been  well ; 
but  most  unhappily  he  did  exceed  his  instructions,  and  added 
that  I  was  of  respectable,  well-to-do  parentage,  and  very  indus- 
trious young  chap  with  first-class  abilities,  and  likely  to  obtain 
lucrative  practice  at  native  Bar. 

JESSIMINA  wrote  that  she  hoped  she  was  not  so  mercenary  as 
to  be  attracted  by  mere  rank,  and  that  it  was  enough  for  her 
that  I  was  in  the  position  to  maintain  her  as  a  lady,  so  she 
would  continue  to  hold  me  to  my  promise  of  marriage,  and  if  I 
still  declined  to  perform,  she  would  be  reluctantly  compelled  to 
place  the  matter  in  hands  of  lawyer. 

On  seeing  that  my  second  attempt  to  spoof  was  similarly  the 
utter  failure,  I  became  like  pig  in  poke  with  perplexity,  until  I 
was  suddenly  inspired  by  the  ebullient  flash  of  a  happy  idea, 
and  taking  up  my  penna,  inscribed  the  following  epistle  : 

MAGNANIMOUS  AND  EVER  ADORABLE  JESSIMINA  1 

I  am  immensely  tickled  with  flattered  complacency  at  your 
indomitable  desire  to  become  the  bride  of  such  a  man  of  straw 
as  this  undeserving  self,  and  will  no  longer  offer  any  factious 
opposition  to  your  wishes. 

But  in  the  intoxicating  ardour  of  my  billing  and  cooing  I  may 
have  omitted  to  mention  that,  when  I  have  led  you  to  the  Hy- 
meneal altar,  you  will  not  be  alone  in  your  glory.  As  a  Koolin 
Brahmin,  I  am,  by  laws  of  my  country,  entitled  to  about  thirty 
or  forty  spouses,  though,  owing  to  natural  timidity  and  econo- 
mical reasons,  I  have  not  hitherto  availed  myself  of  said 
privilege. 

However,  when  that  I  was  a  little  tiny  boy,  I  was  compelled 
by  family  pressure  to  contract  matrimony  with  an  equally  juvenile 
female  of  eight,  and,  though  circumstances  have  prevented  the 
second  ceremony  being  celebrated  on  arriving  at  the  more 
mature  age  of  discretion,  such  infant  marriage  is  notwithstanding 
the  binding  affair. 

What  of  it?  Your  overwhelming  affection  will  render  you 
totally  indifferent  to  the  unpleasant  side  of  your  position  as  a 
sateen  or  rival  wife,  though  it  is  the  antipode  of  the  bed  of  roses, 
especially  under  internecine  feuds  and  perpetual  snipsnaps  with 
sundry  aunts  and  sisters-in-law  of  mine  of  rather  nagging  idio- 
syncracies.  But  ignorance  of  language  will  probably  blind  your 
sensitive  ears  to  the  sneering  and  ill-natured  tone  of  their  re- 
marks. 

I  can  only  say  that  I  am  quite  ready  (if  you  insist  upon  it) 
to  fulfil  my  contract  to  best  ability,  and  undertake  the 
heavy  burden  which  Providence  has,  very  injudiciously,  saddled 
upon  my  feeble  back.  Mr.  CHUCKERBUTTY  RAM,  of  15,  Jubilee 
Terrace,  Clapham,  was  present  at  my  first  wedding,  and  will 
doubtless  certify  to  same  on  application. 

Ever  yours  faithfully  and  devotedly,  H.  B.  J. 

In  writing  the  above,  I  was  well  aware  that  there  is  a  strong 
prejudice  in  the  mind  of  European  feminines  in  favour  of 
monogamy,  and  my  letter  (as  will  be  seen  by  the  intelligent 
reader)  was  rather  cleverly  composed  so  as  to  shift  the  burden 
of  breach  of  contract  from  my  shoulders  to  hers. 


AUGUST  15,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


77 


So  that  I  rubbed  my  hands  with  gleeful  jubilation  on  receiving 
her  reply  that  she  was  astounded  with  wonderment  at  the  sub- 
limity or  my  cheek  in  supposing  that  she  would  play  the  subor- 
dinate fiddle  to  any  native  wife,  and  that  she  had  communicated 
with  CHUCKERBUTTY  RAM,  Esq.,  and  if  my  statement  re  infant 
marriage  (which  at  present  she  suspected  to  be  a  mere  spoof) 
proved  correct,  she  would  certainly  decline  my  insulting  offer. 

Now  as  it  is  the  undeniable  fact  that  I  was  wedded  when  a 
mere  juvenile,  I  shall  save  my  brush  from  this  near  shave — pro- 
vided that  Mr.  CHUCKERBUTTY  RAM  has  received  my  tip  in  time, 
and  does  not,  like  Hon'ble  CUMMERBUND,  go  beyond  his  in- 
structions. 

But  this  is  not  reasonably  probable,  Baboo  CHUCKERBUTTY 
being  a  tolerably  discreet,  subtle  chap. 


THE  WATER-FAMINE. 

(An  East-End  Pastoral.     Some  way  after  Wordsworth. ) 

THE  night  was  falling  fast,  and  the  stars  began  to  blink, 
I  heard  a  voice  ;  it  said,  "  D'yer  want  that  there  to  drink?  " 
And  looking  to  the  stand-pipe  in  the  gutter  I  espied 
A  little  ragged  girl,  with  a  Bumble  at  her  side. 

No  other  folks  were  near,  the  two  stood  there  alone, 
The  little  ragged  girl  was  kneeling  on  the  stone ; 
With  one  knee  on  the  kerb  did  the  grubby  maiden  kneel, 
Whilst  in  her  tiny  pitcher  the  trickling  stream  did  steal. 

The  pitche/  it  was  small,  but  a  precious  time  it  took 

To  fill  it,  and  the  portly  man  his  head  in  anger  shook. 

"D'yer  want  that  there  for  drink,  girl?"  he  inquired,  in  such 

a  tone 
That  the  shock  which  shook  the  poor  child's  heart  found  echo  in 

my  own. 

Bumble's  companion  was  a  child  with  lank  and  towsled  hair ! 
I  watched  them  with  surprise  ;  they  were  a  curious  pair. 
Now,  with  her  half-filled  pitcher  the  maiden  turned  away, 
But  the  burly  Bumble  spake,  and  her  footsteps  she  did  stay. 

Down  on  the  child  he  looked ;  and  from  my  shady  place 

I,  unobserved,  could  see  the  harsh  working  of  his  face. 

If  Nature  to  her  tongue  plucky  fluency  could  bring, 

The  uttered  words,  I  thought,  of  this  child  might  bite  and  sting. 

"  What  are  you  up  to,  young  'un  ?  "  said  Bumble.     "  On  my  word, 
The  fuss  you  folks  are  making  about  water  is  absurd ! 
The  cumpnys  must  be  soft,  ah,  green  as  grass  can  be, 
If  they  diminish  dividends  to  please  such  folks  as  ye ! 

"What  is  it  that  you  want?     To  wash  and  make  you  smart, 
Or  water  your  back  gardings  ?     That  is  a  pretty  start ! 
And  as  to  drinking,  lor  1     Is  there  no  gin  or  beer  ? 
You  carn't  'ave   water  if  we've   none.     I  think   that's   pretty 
clear  I 

"  If  the  sun  is  shining  'ot,  and  we  ain't  'ad  'eavy  rains, 
And  you  git  cholera  and  things  along  of  unflushed  drains, 
Why  'ope   for   rains,  or  pray  for   'em   like   parsons.     Water's 

dear, 
And  we  can't  let  our  dividends  run  down  for  you — no  fear! 

"  Run  'ome  now,  young  'un.     Tell  yer  father  'e  must  up  and 

pay 

That  water-rate  'e  shirked  when  the  collector  called  to-day. 
'Ain't  'ad  none  for  a  week  or  more,  or  leastways  next  to  none  ? 
And  mother's  ill,  and  baby  sick,  and  your  plarnts  parched  by 

the  sun? 

"  Ah,  that 's  all  tommy-rot,  my  girl !     Carn't  'elp  yer,  and  'cos 

wy? 

'Cos  of  our  dividends,  ye  see  1     So  let  your  flowers  die  I 
And  if  the  baby  ditto  does,  happeal  to  -us  is  vain. 
Go  'ome,  and  if  you  want  to  wash,  scrub,  drink — wy — pray  for 

rain ! " 

»  *  *  »  * 

As  homeward  through  that  slum  I  went,  dry,  dusty,  and  un- 

sweet, 

That  man's  harsh  words  I  oftentimes  did  to  myself  repeat. 
"  Water-suppiy  ?  "  I  muttered.     "  Humph !  the  irony  is  fine  ! 
I  wonder,  now,  what  I  should  do  if  such  a  case  were  mine  ?  " 


THE  NEXT  MARVEL  OF  PROGRESSION. — A  horse-marine  on  a 
donkey-engine. 


THE    PRACTICAL    MIND. 

Native  (to  the  delight  of  Flora,  returning  with  spoils  from  the  highways 
and  hedges).   "THAT  LASSIE  MAUN  SURELY  KEEP  A  Coo!" 


ANOTHER  ADDRESS  ON  RURAL  REPOSE. 

(Not  delivered. ) 

LADIES,  INGLIS  MANDARINS  AND  MEN, — Chin-chin  to  you.  Me 
no  speakee  velly  muchee  Inglis,  but  have  lead  the  velly  good 
addless  of  Light  Honoulable  GLAD  STONE,  the  velly  gleat,  topside, 
Gland  Old  Man,  at  Ha-wa-den.  He  tellee  the  people  of  the 
plovince  of  Che-shir  he  now  "a  lulal  man,  one  of  the  countly 
folk."  Me  wishee  to  be  that  too.  No  lest  for  me,  all  tlavelling 
chop-chop,  seeing  Lussian  men  and  German  men,  then  Flenchee- 
men  in  Palis,  now  at  last  Inglismen  in  Lon-don.  No  lest  till  me 
getee  back  to  Chih-li. 

Now  all  you  foleign  dev — I  mean,  foleign  peoples — you  lush 
about  chop-chop  all  day,  and  you  makee  me  lush  about.  Now 
in  Chih-li  only  the  coolies  go  chop-chop.  But  here  in  Eulope 
you  makee  me  see  gleat,  big,  tlemendous  lot  of  things  not  pletty 
to  see,  when  me  wishee  be  lulal  man,  like  Light  Honoulable 
GLAD  STONE.  My  fliend.  Excellency  Doctor  Bis  MARCK,  he  lests 
also.  They  makee  him  Doctor,  so  he  must  know  what  is  light 
for  health. 

Now  in  Chih-li  we  not  lave  about  chelly  blossoms  and  chly- 
santhemums  so  muchee  as  the  miselable  Japanese  people,  but  we 
likee  flowers.  And  we  likee  the  sun,  who  is  a  lelation  of  the 
Empelor.  It  is  muchee  better  to  be  in  the  countly,  looking  at 
the  pletty  loses  and  the  other  flowers,  the  gleat,  gland,  velly 
high,  big  tlees,  and  the  gleen  Inglis  glass,  than  shut  up  in 
Cal-ton-hou-se-tel-lace,  and  just  taken  out  chop-chop  to  see  the 
Houses  of  your  talkee-talkee  men,  and  a  chow-chow  of  stleets 
and  loads. 

There  is  a  gleat  man  in  Lon-don,  PUNCH  CHUNG-TANG — he 
must  be  a  Gland  Secletaly  as  he  lites  so  much — and  he  has  dlawn 
me  in  his  gland,  velly  fine,  beautiful  book  in  a  lowing  boat,  or 
junk,  under  a  willow  tlee.  Velly  nice,  but  "no  go,"  as  you  say 
in  Inglis.  Now  me  hully  away,  for  they  takee  me  to  go  top- 
side Plim-lose-hill,  to  see  the  gland  view  of  Lon-don  as  they 
say.  Me  not  wantee  to,  likee  to  lest  in  a  junk  under  a  willow 
tlee,  but  no,  must  go  chop-chop.  So  I  say,  what  you  speakee 
in  Inglis,  "  Ta-ta."  


LITTLE  BY  LITTLE,   LINE  UPON  LINE.- 
work. 


-Mr.    VANDAM'S   latest 


78 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  15,  1896. 


AMATEURS    AND    PROFESSIONALS. 


Caddie  (visiting).      WHAT  KIND  o'  PLAYER  is  HE  ? " 


Caddie  (engaged).   "  '!M  ?    HE  JUST  PLAYS  AS  IF  IT  WAS  FOR  PLEESURE  ! 


VICTORIA ! 

THE  FLEET'S  MESSAGE  TO  THE  QUEEN. 
(Presented  by  Mr.  Punch. ) 

["  I  am  desired  by  the  QUEEN  to  express  to  the 
Fleet  her  pleasure  at  the  appearance  of  the  ships  on 
the  occasion  of  her  visit  to  Spithead." — The  Queen's 
Message  to  the  Fleet.~\ 

(  With  Punch 's  Apologies  to  Dibdin.) 

WHEN  Britons  on  the  mighty  main 
Of  Albion's  flag  the  rights  maintain, 
What  name   warms   heart   and   brightens 
brain  ?  VICTORIA  ! 

All  sailors  know  when  battle's  roar 
Sounds  o'er  the  sea,  there  's  one  ashore 
Who  '11  gladly  con  their  glories  o'er, — 
VICTORIA  I 

JACK  knows  whatever  be  his  lot, 
Blow  high,  blow  low,  blow  cold,  blow  hot, 
By  one  true  heart  he  's  ne'er  forgot, — 
VICTORIA  1 

She  lauds  the  appearance  of  the  fleet  1 
At  her  appearance  all  hearts  beat  I 
We  '11  make  the  welkin  ring  to  greet 
VICTORIA  1 

And  e'en  her  written  word  hath  force 
To  warm  true  heart's  blood  in  its  course ; 
And  lips   shout  cheers   till   throats   grow 
hoarse,  VICTORIA  1 

And  should  there  come  fierce  foe  to  fight, 
Right  to  defend  or  wrong  to  right ; 
We'll  do — or  die — Ma'am,  in  your  sight, 
VICTORIA  I 

JACK  treasures  up  your  words  of  praise 
More  gratefully  than  laureate  lays. 
Heaven  send  you  love  and  length  of  days, 
VICTORIA  1 


Already  length  of  days  hath  crowned 
A  reign  than  GEORGE'S  grander  found, 
As  Great  ELIZABETH'S  renowned, 

VICTORIA  1 

And  when  a  few  more  days  have  sped, 
Our  royal  record  you  will  head, 
Outglorying  the  glorious  dead, 

VICTORIA  1 

VICTORIA  !     How  each  Jack  Tar  glows 
At  that  well-omen'd  name — a  rose 
That  with  HOPE'S  sweetest  promise  blows ! 
VICTORIA  I 

Your  sailors'  lode-star,  dear  to  them 
As  glorious  victory  I     Freedom's  gem  I 
One  shout  rings  out  from  stern  to  stem, 
VICTORIA  1 1 ! 


RECKONINGS  AT  EYDE. 
(By  a  Fair  Transatlantic.) 

THAT  much  good  American  will  be  spo- 
ken undisfigured  by  an  English  accent. 

That  yachts  are  small  potatoes  when 
compared  with  smart  frocks  and  notice- 
able head-gear. 

That  according  to  the  poet  BURNS,  "  the 
rank  may  be  the  guinea  stamp,"  but  a 
duke 's  a  duke  for  all  that. 

That  at  luncheon  time  folks  are  prone 
to  become  crowded. 

That  New  York  city  is  the  finest  place 
in  creation,  but  it  is  hard  to  beat  the 
Island  as  a  gathering  ground  for  the  lei- 
sured classes. 

That  it 's  a  pity  that  Yale  boys  are  not 
in  it,  as  the  proceedings  might  be  livelier. 

That  it 's  all  very  well  to  be  solemn  and 
sedate,  but  champagne  and  lobster  salad 
don't  mix  in  well  with  bows  and  curtesys. 

That  it 's  a  pity  we  consented  to  be  ac- 


companied    by     the     Yankee     drawl     of 
"puppaw." 

That  if  "  mummaw  "  knows  her  business 
it  ought  to  be  a  short  cry  from  "  Bale, 
Britannia,"  at  Ryde,  to  "Hail,  Columbia," 
in  St.  George's,  Hanover  Square. 


A  SAD  LETTEE  DAY. 

( To  my  Lady  of  No  Note. ) 

I  TOLD  the  man  to  bring  them  me— 
My  letters — so  he  brought  them  in. 

A  goodly  pile  they  were  to  see, 

A  dozen  quite  there  must  have  been. 

An  invitation  out  to  dine — 
If  I  were  paid,  I  wouldn't  go. 

A  flaming  screed  about  a  mine, 

Would  I  take  shares? — good  heavens! 
No! 

A  friendly  line  or  two  from  Nell, 
My  sister,  if  the  truth  be  told, 

To  say  that  all  at  home  are  well, 

Save  that  the  horse  has  caught  a  cold. 

And  so  I  wandered  through  the  heap, 
With  keen  eye  searching  everywhere 

For  what,  with  grief  profound  and  deep, 
At  last  I  found  out  wasn't  there. 

You  guess,  I  doubt  not,  why  it  was 
The  heap  in  vain  I  hunted  through  ? 

And  why  the  day  was  drear?     Because 
I  did  not  get — a  word  from  you. 


SUGGESTION  TO  BREWERS.  —  Advertise 
the  XXX  Ray  Ale.  Ingredients  ascer- 
tained by  inspection  of  barrel. 


A    STENOGRAPHER 
penny-a-linotyper. 


UP-TO-DATE.  —  The 


o 

K 
o 
to 


H         O 

' 
nn 

HH 


Q    fe! 


§     M 


K 
K^ 

^ 

P 


to       ¥-* 

&    bd 

^«         r*H 


H 
H 


K 


AUGUST  15,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


81 


PROPER    PRIDE. 

"  WELL,  NIGEL,  IF  I  LET  YOU  STAY  IN  THE  DRAWING-ROOM,  YOU 

MUST  BE  VERY  QUIET,  AND  NOT  WANT  TO  TALK  TO  ME  WHEN  VISITORS 
ARE  HERE.      Do  YOU  UNDERSTAND?" 

'  YES,  MUMMY,  /  UNDERSTANDS  ;  BUT  WHEN  I  COMES  INTO  THE 
DRAWING-ROOM,  I  ARE  A  VISITOR  ! " 


ROUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

STRAY  NOTES  ON  WOMEN. 

I  HAVE  hitherto  abstained  from  adding  fuel  to  the  raging  fires 
of  the  woman  controversy,  on  which  some  of  the  most  fantastic 
as  well  as  many  of  the  dullest  intellects  of  the  century  have 
lately  been  engaged  in  heaping  logs.  The  whole  mad  business 
affects  m«  personally  very  Little.  Not  having  as  yet  led  a  soft 
flutterer  to  an  altar,  I  am  privileged  to  look  upon  women  from 
a  respectful  distance,  tempered  by  the  necessity  for  a  daily  inter- 
view with  my  cook,  and  explanations  to  my  housemaid  that  I  am 
merely  in  quest  of  a  boot,  a  slipper,  or  a  bunch  of  keys,  and  that 
she  need  not  interrupt  her  dusting  and  tidying  operations  in 
my  room.  My  cook  has  several  ways  of  looking  at  me.'  First 
is  her  sirloin  of  beef  look.  This  implies  that  if  I  don't  have  a  big 
joint  hot,  it  is  useless  for  me  to  expect  anything  cold  for  lunch 
on  the  following  day,  also  it  hints  that,  after  all,  servants  are 
human  beings,  and  want  their  food  like  the  rest  of  us ;  "  though 
perhaps  we  could  do  with  a  pigeon-pie,  if  you  'd  prefer  the  roast 
beef  yourself,  Sir."  Next  comes  her  mayonnaise  look.  This 
is  altogether  a  gayer,  lighter  and  airier  look.  When  she  as- 
sumes it,  she  has  evidently  made  up  her  mind  that  the  time  has 
come  for  making  concessions,  for  leaving  the  arid  regions  of 
beef  and  mutton,  and  visiting  the  pleasant  valleys  and  shady 
groves  sacred  to  entrees.  For  the  mayonnaise  look  includes  also 
kromeskies,  creme  de  volatile,  savoury  omelet,  and  various 
timbales. 

A  THIRD,  and  a  freezing  look,  is  the  "  you  wasn't  pleased  with 
your  breakfast "  look.  There  is  in  it  a  sense  of  injury  done  to 
the  innocent,  of  righteous  expostulation,  only  waiting  for  an 
opportunity  to  assert  itself,  which  reduces  me  to  a  pulp.  It 
may  have  happened,  that  arriving  in  the  breakfast-room  late,  I 
find  a  kipper,  a  cold  kidney,  and  a  hard-boiled  egg.  Now  the 
cold  kidney  I  could  have  endured,  the  hard-boiled  egg  I  could 
have  forgiven — but  the  kipper  on  a  torrid  summer's  day  is  too 
awful.  The  unreluctant  butler  hears  an  anathema  directed 
against  the  tribe  of  kippers,  and  reports  to  the  cook  that  "  'e  's 


cussin'  like  mad;  says  'e '11  be  'anged  if  'e 's  goin'  to  poison 
'isself  with  any  more  o'  that  trash."  In  this  message  the  cook 
detects  a  slight  upon  her  skill  and  discretion,  and  relations  be- 
tween her  and  her  master  consequently  become  strain»d,  so 
that  during  the  morning  interview  she  adopts  a  negative,  un- 
suggesting  attitude,  which  generally  ends  in  hashed  mutton  and 
rice  pudding. 

A  MAN  never  realises  so  fully  how  vain  and  foolish  he  is  as 
when  he  attempts  to  make  suggestions  to  his  cook.  With  an  air 
of  having  devoted  time  and  deep  thought  to  the  matter,  he  will 
say,  "  I  think  I  have  had  enough  of  vegetable  marrow.  Why  not 
a  nice  dish  of  peas  ?  "  and  the  lady  of  the  stove  and  apron  will 
reply  that  peas  have  been  out  for  ten  days  or  more,  but 
that,  if  you  give  her  time,  and  don't  mind  the  money,  she  dares 
say  she  might  manage  to  get  you,  say,  a  saucer  full ;  but  she 
scarcely  thinks  it  worth  the  trouble,  especially  as  French  beans 
are  very  good  just  now.  This  is  but  a  sample  of  the  pit-falls 
spread  for  the  unhappy  bachelor.  As  for  controlling  his  books, 
the  task  is  hopeless.  Vainly  he  skims  the  long  array  of  items : 
the  only  solid  facts  he  can  grasp  are  what  Mr.  Mantalini  called 
the  dem  totals,  with  this  one  subsidiary  fact — that  the  baker's 
book  always  sums  up  to  a  halfpenny,  and,  however  much  you 
may  dock  this  halfpenny  it  invariably  recurs  week  by  week,  from 
one  end  of  the  year  to  the  other. 

BUT  what  I  want  to  know  is  this :  do  women  really  control 
households,  manage  servants,  restrain  expenses,  and  pay  weekly 
books  one  whit  better  than  men  P  I  know  there  is  a  general 
feeling  of  pity  for  bachelors  who  own  houses — an  implication  of 
contempt  for  men  who  are  victimised,  and  twisted  round  little 
fingers,  and  made  to  pay  through  noses,  and  scandalously 
fleeced,  while  women,  it  is  supposed,  not  only  know  by  an  in- 
stinct the  wiles  of  the  butcher,  and  are  able  to  circumvent  both 
him  and  the  grocer,  the  fishmonger,  and  the  baker  with  ease 
and  completeness,  but  can  also  keep  their  domestic  establish- 
ment in  a  state  of  better  organisation  and  working  order.  I 
have  no  hesitation  in  denouncing  this  as  a  perfectly  baseless 
superstition.  In  the  first  place  I  am  convinced  that  the  whole 
business — except  the  checking  of  books — is  ridiculously  easy, 
and  in  the  checking  of  books,  even  a  man  who  "failed  in  the 
mathematical  part  of  his  little  go  "  could  give  the  best  woman  a 
stone  and  a  beating.  And  further,  I  incline  to  think  that  the 
bachelor  gets  more  willing  work,  and,  on  the  whole,  a  more 
cheerful  content,  out  of  his  servants  than  does  a  wife.  For  it 
is  extraordinary  how  furiously  and  bitterly  a  woman  resents 
the  mere  suspicion  of  being  put  upon,  even  to  the  extent  of  a 
farthing,  by  a  tradesman  or  a  servant.  Indeed,  she  is  apt  to 
create  for  herself  circumstances  that  warrant  the  suspicion,  and 
then,  with  a  swoop  and  a  pounce,  the  whole  machinery  goes  out 
of  gear,  and  the  lord  and  master  wonders  why  his  food  falls  off 
in  merit.  Yet  the  same  angry  lady  will  cheerfully  defraud  a 
railway  company  or  a  custom-house. 


The  Merry  Swiss  Landlord  to  the  Traveller  who 
has  been  Plundered. 

BRITON,  assuage  this  futile  rage  1 

Your  curses  are  in  vain. 
You  vow  you'll  go,  but  well  I  know 

You  '11  cut  to  come  again ! 


A  Modern  Paris. 

Schoolmaster.  Now,  boys,  supposing  that  the  goddesses  Diana, 
Venus,  and  Juno  were  to  appear  before  you,  what  would  you 
do  with  this  apple  ? 

Brown  Minimus.  Please,  Sir,  I'd  eat  it  before  they  asked 
for  it.  

MRS.  PHOSSYL  writes  to  say  that  she  can't  make  out  what  the 
world  is  coming  to  ?  A  week  ago  she  read  about  horseless 
carriages,  and  now  she  sees  by  the  paper  that  grouse  are  being 
driven.  Mrs.  P. .  supposes  that  one  of  these  days  she  will  hear 
of  men  and  women  riding  on  balloons. 

THB  TRUE  INWARDNESS  OF  ART. — Photographs  by  the  Rontgen 
rays. 

THE  CORRECT  REPLY  TO  A  HALTING  QUESTION. — A  lame  excuse. 


THE  PROPER  FOOD  FOK  DOGS. — Whine  biscuits. 


82 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


(AUGUST  15,  1896. 


PL, 


AUGUST  15,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


WAR  ON  WIRES. 

(Latest  Development  of  the  Telephone. ) 

First  Voice  (from  somewhere).  I  say, 
how  are  you  getting  on? 

Second  Voice  (from  somewhere  else). 
Oh.  very  well.  Fort  full  of  provisions, 
and  lots  of  food.  Hope  you  will  get  up 
in  time  to  take  part  in  the  athletic  sports. 

First  Voice.  Will,  if  we  can ;  but  fact 
is,  the  camp  has  had  to  be  entrenched. 
The  enemy  are  very  lively.  Wait  a  mo- 
ment— wanted  elsewhere. 

Second  Voice  (after  a  pause).  I  say, 
what  are  you  doing  ?  I  have  been  ad- 
dressing you  for  the  last  half-hour,  trying 
to  attract  your  attention.  Well,  what 
have  you  to  say?  Do  look  sharp.  Fact 
is,  most  of  our  ammunition  has  blown  up 
(through  an  accident),  and  the  surgeons 
say  that  the  rinderpest  has  broken  out  in 
the  cattle.  What  are  you  laughing  at? 

Third  Voice  (in  gruff  accents).  Can't 
help  laughing  because  you  are  telling  all 
this  to  me. 

Second  Voice  (impatiently).  But  why 
shouldn't  I? 

Third  Voice.  I  don't  know  why  you 
shouldn't,  only  it  seemed  to  me  rather  in- 
congruous. By  all  means  go  on.  You 
say  you  have  lost  your  ammunition  and 
supplies.  Ha!  ha!  ha!  Well? 

Second   Voice.  But  who  are  you? 

Third  Voice.  I !  Why  I  am  the  enemy  ! 
I  thought  I  would  make  you  laugh ! 

Second  Voice.  You  the  enemy  1  I  say, 
it  isn't  fair! 

Third  Voice.  Everything 's  fair  in  love 
and  war,  and  I  do  so  enjoy  a  practical 
joke. 

Second  Voice  (angrily).  It's  all  very 
well  to  say  that,  but  it  isn't  gentlemanly. 
Fortunate  for  you  that  you  are  fifty  miles 
off.  or  I  should  punch  your  head ! 

Third  Voice  (still  laughing).  You  will 
have  an  opportunity,  as  we  are  advancing 
towards  yon.  Your  friends  are  utterly 
defeated  and  we  are  masters  of  the  Leld. 
So  you  had  better  surrender. 

Scrond    Voice.  Shan't ! 

Third  Voice.  Don't  be  silly!  What's 
the  good  of  holding  out  when  I  tell  you 
that  we  propose  to  surround  you.  You 
had  much  better  eive  in. 

Second  Voice.  Shan't  do  anything  of 
the  sort.  But  perhaps  if  you  will  allow 
us  to  march  out  with  the  honours  of  war 
we  might  see  what  could  be  done.  What 
do  you  say  to  that  ?  Why  are  you  silent  ? 
Whv  don't  you  answer? 

First  Voice  (after  a  pause — abruptly). 
Here  we  are  again !  We  have  had  no  end 
of  a  battle,  but  once  more  have  retaken 
the  camp.  - 

Second  Voice.  But  what 's  become  of 
the  enemy? 

First  Voice.  Defeated,  my  boy!  Ab- 
solutely knocked  into  a  cocked  hat! 

Second  Voice  (pleased) .  Bravo !  We 
are  all  delighted.  In  honour  of  your 
victory  we  are  going  to  illuminate  I 

First  Voice  (courteously).  And  we,  in 
recotrniHon  of  your  relief,  are  letting  off 
fireworks !  And  now,  to  celebrate  the  oc- 
ca=ion,  T  nm  going  to  have  a  drink! 

Second  Voice  (hurriedly).  And  so  am  I. 
(Bell  rings  off.) 


THE  HEIGHT  OF  SPECULATION. — A  gen- 
tleman endeavouring  to  open  his  front 
door  in  the  early  hours  with  a  watch  key. 


HE    KNEW    THE    CUISINE. 

Hungry  Diner  (scanning  the  Menu).   "LooK  HERE,  WAITER,  I  'M  STARVING.     I  THINK  I'LL 

HAVE   A   LITTLE   OF   EVERYTHING!"  Waiter.    "  YESSIR.       (Bawls  off.)      'ASH    ONE!" 


ESSENCE   OF   PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

Monday,  August  3. — Rumour  current 
that  Li  HUNG  CHANG  is  coming  down  to 
pay  visit  to  House  of  Commons.  SARK 
going  about  trying  to  borrow  Rontgen 
photographic  apparatus.  Has  read  about 
Chinese  minister  successfully  operated  up- 
on by  X  rays  for  localisation  of  bullet 
lodged  when  attempt  made  to  assasinate 
him. 

"  What  I  want  to  know,"  says  SARK, 
"  is  what  kind  of  a  card  our  guileless 
friend  has  got  up  his  sleeve?  Not  going 
about  from  Court  to  Court  for  nothing. 
If  I  could  only  get  a  snapshot  at  him  with 
the  Rontgen  camera  as  he  crosses  Lobby, 
we  might  know  where  we  are." 


JOHN  LUBBOCK  smiles  at  our  enthusias- 
tic friend's  idea  that  the  X  rays  are  avail- 
able in  Kodak  fashion  ;  but  says  nothing. 

"Quite  enough  said  for  one  Session," 
observes  this  wise  man.  "  As  for  me,  I  'm 
going  on  a  long  visit  to  my  Ants." 

Probably  never  since  Scotchmen  dis- 
covered the  broad  highway  leading  south 
beyond  the  Tweed,  have  they  so  bitterly 
regretted  coming  to  England  as  some 
do  to-night.  Scotch  Rating  Bill  in  Com- 
mittee. With  Scotch  Liberal  Members 
point  of  honour  to  be  present.  When 
Bill  passed  second  reading  they  raised 
fearsome  hullabaloo  designed  to  frighten 
PRINCE  ARTHUR  into  dropping  Bill  for 
Session.  PRINCE  ARTHUR  seeming  to 
hesitate,  the  Scots  grew  more  than  ever 
like  the  Picts.  Every  man  prepared  to 
die  on  floor  of  House  fighting  Bill. 


84 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  15,  1896. 


Last  week  PRINCE  ARTHUR  smilingly 
said  he  meant  to  carry  Rating  Bill.  Con- 
sternation in  Scottish  camp.  Having 
threatened  war  they  must  needs  carry  it 
on.  No  going  away  for  accelerated  holi- 
day. Must  stay  in  town  and  fight  Rating 
Bill  line  by  line. 

Most  touching  case  that  of  CAWMELL- 
BANNERMAN.  Due  at  Marienbad  last 
week.  Friday  was  fixed  for  the  great 
annual  festival,  when  burgomaster  and 
burghers  go  forth  to  meet  the  personage 
who  has  come  to  be  regarded  as  the  pa- 
tron saint  of  Marienbad.  To  see  CAW- 
MELL-BANNERMAN  laurel-crowned,  led  in 
procession  on  his  arrival  at  Marienbad  is 
the  chief  event  of  the  season.  Not  able 
to  go  last  week.  Other  Scotch  Members, 
with  almost  equally  urgent  engagements, 
similarly  entrapped.  Must  stay  to-night 


"  A  Nicht  wi'-  Cau'dwell." 

and  grind  away  at  Rating  Bill.  Only 
man  who  really  enjoys  himself  is  CALD- 
WELL. 

Business  done.  —  Scotch  Rating  Bill  in 
Committee. 

Tuesday.  —  Am  often  asked  whether, 
since  I  was  first  returned  to  House  by 
the  Berkshire  yeomen,  the  place  has 
undergone  marked  change  in  character, 
habits,  and  modes  of  thought.  Some  fel- 
lows always  talking  of  good  old  times, 
decadence  of  manners  in  the  House,  and 
the  rest.  All  bosh.  Never  knew  better- 
mannered  House  than  present.  Indeed, 
of  the  seven  I  have  sat  in,  it  is  distinctly 
the  most  decorous  in  behaviour,  the  most 
obedient  to  touch  of  hand  of  authority. 

The  other  day,  a  new  Member  had  occa- 
sion to  move  amendment  to  Bill  in  Com- 
mittee. What  do  you  think  he  did  as  a 
preliminary?  Why,  he  went  into  a  bar- 
ber's shop,  planked  down  his  shilling,  and 
had  his  hair  curled ! 

Sober  fact  this,  not  one  of  SARK'S 
yarns.  T  don't  mention  his  name  pour 
cause.  The  poet  (not  WILLIAM  ALLAN) 
has  somewhere  remarked  on  pang  of  see- 
ing a  strong  man  in  tears.  Worse  still  to 
see  an  hon.  Member  blushing  through  hi? 
curls. 

Take  another  instance  that  occurs  to 
mind.  The  Parliament  of  1874-80,  which 
GRAND  CROSS  illumined  with  his  presence, 
was  given  to  puff  itself  up  because  of  a 


flight  of  fancy  on  part  of  that  eminent 
statesman. 

"  I  hear  an  hon.  Member  smile,"  said 
GRAND  CROSS,  looking  severely  round 
House  when  somebody  sniggered  at  a 
pompous  platitude. 

Good,  I  admit.  Stood  unrivalled  up  to 
present  day.  Now  comes  LOUGH,  and 
equals  it,  if  he  does  not  excel  it.  House 
in  Committee  on  Home  Office  vote. 
LOTTGH  wants  to  abolish  privilege  system 
for  cabs  at  railway  stations. 

"I  claim  the  late  Home  Secretary  as  a 
convert  to  my  views,"  says  he.  "The  right 
hon.  gentleman  shakes  his  head.  I  am 
sorry  to  hear  it." 

Business  done.  —  More  of  the  Scotch 
Rating  Bill  in  Committee.  "  What  a 
time  we  are  having,  to  be  sure ! "  says 
CALDWELL,  mopping  CAUSTON'S  forehead 
under  momentary  impression  that  that 
massive  structure  was  his  own. 

Thursday.  —  Sorry  to  hear  of  coldness 
having  sprung  up  between  one  of  best 
fellows  in  House  and  circle  of  old  family 
friends.  M.P.  looking  in  one  evening 
on  way  home  from  dinner  taken  in 
neighbourhood,  found  eldest  daughter 
of  house  in  drawing-room  in  company 
with  eligible  young  man.  M.P.  is  the 
shyest,  most  retiring  person  in  world. 
Always  ready  to  think  himself  de  trap. 
Probably  not  the  slightest  ground  for  sus- 
picion in  present  case.  All  the  same, 
M.P.  fidgeted  about ;  said  he  had  en- 
gagement at  his  club  ;  getting  late  ;  must 
go. 

All  right  up  to  now.  But  it  happened 
that  in  his  bachelor  London  establish- 
ment, M.P.  has  formed  economical  habit 
of  turning  off  electric  light  on  leaving 
a  room,  even  for  a  moment.  His  mind 
still  at  unrest  about  his  supposed  intru- 
sion, he  was  passing  out  by  doorway 
when  his  eye  unhappily  fell  on  electric- 
lieht  Jbutton  set  in  wall  by  door.  In- 
stinctively his  hand  went  forth  ;  he  gave 
the  thing  a  turn,  and  placidly  pursued 
his  way  downstairs.  It  was  only  when  he 
reached  the  hall,  and  heard  a  shriek  of 
laughter  from  upstairs  that  he  realised 
what  he  had  done. 

"The  worst  of  it  is,"  he  says,  in  an- 
cmished  tone,  confiding  his  trouble  to  the 
Member  for  Sark,  "  they  insist  that  I  was 
nlaving  a  practical  joke,  a  thing  I  never 
did  in  my  life.  WTould  least  of  all  do  in 
such  circumstances.  Never  co  near  the 
house  any  more ;  breaks  up  friendship  of 
lone;  standing." 

Business  done. — Lords  make  a  begin- 
ning with  Irish  Land  Bill  in  Committee. 
A  few  Irish  Members  watch  debate  from 
eall^rv  over  Bar.  Amongst  them  the 
mellifluous  MURNAGHAN.  More  than  ever 
a  pity  no  opening  for  interchange  of  plat- 
form between  two  Houses.  Might  have 
far-re^chimj  effect  on  Bill  if  Mr.  M.  were 
permitted  to  stand  at  Bar  of  Lords,  and, 
Addressing  LORD  CHANCELLOR,  repeat  his 
famous  warning  to  Irish  Secretary. 

Brother  GERALD  on  Report  stage  of 
Land  Bill  declined  to  accept  amendment 
reducing  term  of  juducial  rent  from  fif- 
teen vears  to  ten. 

"Mr.  SPEAKER.  Sir,"  said  Mr.  MURNA- 
GHAV,  "I  wish  to  warn  the  right  hon. 
"e^tlernan  that  when  his  message  reaches 
Ireland  it  will  spread  abroad  a  feeling  of 
co'asterpation." 

Friday. — SARK  quite  angry  about  what 
is  really,  after  all,  a  small  matter.  Brings 
copy  of  Orders  of  the  Day,  containing, 
amongst  much  else,  journal  of  Committee 


of  Selection.  Under  heading  Group  F., 
appears  this  entry  :  — 

^"  The  following  Members  are  removed  from  the 
Group  at  the  conclusion  of  the  Dublin  Cor- 
poration Bill  [Lords] : — 

Mr.  SKEWES-COX. 

Hon.  E.  S.  DOUGLAS-PENNANT." 

"Why  should  they  'ScusE-Cox?  that's 
what  I  want  to  know  ? "  says  the  Mem- 
ber for  Sark,  glaring  at  me  as  if  I'd 
anything  to  do  with  it.  "  All  very  well 
for  DOUGLAS.  He  's  at  liberty  to  hoist  his 


Setting  them  right  on  a  matter  of  Law. 
(Mr.  H-ld-ne,  Q.C.) 

pennant  elsewhere.  But  why  a  man 
should  go  about  House  in  habitual  apolo- 
getic attitude  —  SKEWES-COX  this,  and 
SKEWES-COX  that  —  becomes  towards  end 
of  Session  distinctly  irritating.  Reminds 
me  of  dear  old  JOHNNIE  TOOLE  in  a  for- 
gotten bit  of  business.  Perhaps  you  re- 
member how  he  used  to  put  on  a  cotton 
glove  six  sizes  too  large,  and  when  he 
held  out  hand  to  shake  that  of  acquaint- 
ance, always  said,  "Scuse  my  glove.' 
That 's  good  stage  business.  But  when  it 
comes  to  a  Member  getting  off  Committee 
work,  it's  another  pair  of  sleeves.  Next 
time  I  receive  intimation  that  I  have  been 
added  to  Select  Committee  on  private 
Bill,  I  will  write  back  and  say,  'No  thanks. 
Pray  SKEWES-SARK.'  " 

Business  done. — Lords  make  an  end  of 
Irish  Land  Bill  in  Committee. 


What 's  the  Odds  ? 

(By  a  Puzzled  Peruser  of  the  Papers. ) 

Is  it  Li  HUNG  CHANG? 

Is  it  Li  CHUNG  TONG  ? 
Is  it  Li  HUNG  TANG  ? 

Which  is  right,  which  wrong  ? 
Be  it  tweedle-dum,  be  it  tweedle-dee, 
To  greet  hearty  Li  heartily  we  all  agree 


QUERY,  BY  OUR  OWN  IRREPRESSIBLE 
JOKER  (OUT  ON  BAIL). — Can  the  captain 
of  a  steamer  backing  her  engines  after 
running  down  another  be  said  to  have  a 
reversionary  interest  in  an  undeniable 
settlement  ? 


AUGUST  22,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OK    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


85 


WHAT  OUR  ARTIST  HAS  TO  PUT  UP  WITH. 

Major  Blunderbore  (who  has  just  told  Our  Artist  a  regular  side-splitter}. 
"WELL,  THAT'S  A  GOOD  'UN,  AIN'T  IT?    ANYHOW,  IT  's  QUITE  NEW 

AND  ORIGINAL,    FOR    IT    WAS    SAID    ONLY    LAST    NIGHT    BY    A   CLEVER 
LITTLE  GlRL   I   KNOW — A  NlECE  OF   MY  OWN." 

Our  Artist.  "YES;  IT'S  A  CAPITAL  STORY!" 
Major B.  "THEN  WHY  DIDN'T  YOU  LAUGH?" 
Our  Artist.  "BECAUSE  I  TOLD  IT  YOU  MYSELF  ONLY  LAST  WEEK— 
AND  YOU  DIDN'T  LAUGH  ! " 


BOUND  ABOUT  READINGS. 

STRAY  NOTES  ON  WOMEN. 

WE  appear  to  have  decided  last  week  that  as  regards  the  pay- 
ment of  domestic  bills,  the  ordering  of  servants,  and,  generally, 
the  management  of  a  household,  women  were,  taken  at  their 
very  highest  point,  merely  equal,  and  not  superior  to  men. 
But  the  highest  point  is  naturally  an  exception,  and  I  am  bound, 
therefore,  in  fairness  to  my  own  sex,  to  assume  for  it  a  general 
superiority  over  women  in  these  respects.  It  seems  a  dreadful 
thing  to  go  about  shattering  idols  in  this  way,  but  if  you  set 
out  on  an  investigation  with  the  single  desire  of  stating  the 
truth,  and  if  you  happen  to  find  an  ancient,  highly  respected 
idol  blocking  your  way,  there  is  no  course  open  to  you  except 
to  shatter  it.  Lie  low  in  the  dust,  therefore,  oh  woman- 
housekeeper  idol,  shattered  beyond  recall  into  a  thousand  frag- 
ments, not  to  be  replaced  upon  your  pedestal  even  by  much 
labour  on  the  part  of  your  blind  sectaries  and  worshippers. 
And,  since  the  case  is  likely  to  be  argued,  let  me  adduce,  as  a 
piece  justificative,  the  following  little  household  dialogue :  — 


SCENE — A  Morning-room.  CHARACTERS — Anybody's  Wife,  Any- 
body's Wife's  Cook.  As  the  curtain  rises,  Anybody's  Wife 
is  discovered  alone  with  the  books. 

Anybody's  Wife  (soliloquises).  Oh  dear,  oh  dear,  I  wonder  if 
I  shall  ever  get  these  sums  right.  Let  me  see,  "  August  1st, 
loin  of  lamb."  Now  did  we  have  loin  of  lamb  on  August  1st? 
I  'm  almost  sure  it  was  fillet  of  beef.  No,  that  was  on  the 
2nd  or  the  3rd.  I  should  have  said  it  was  July  30th,  but  I 
remember  we  were  out  to  lunch  and  dinner  then.  Well,  never 
mind.  Eight  and  six  are  fourteen,  and  two  are  sixteen,  and  nine 
are  twenty — twenty — twenty-four,  of  course,  and  five  are  thirty- 
one.  I  wish  it  was  thirty-six,  because  that 's  three  shillings,  and 
much  simpler.  Thirty-one  is — oh,  bother  thirty-one — it's  two 
shillings  and — twenty-four  from  thirty-one  leaves  nine.  That 's 
ninepence.  Why,  the  silly  man  has  put  down  fourpence.  Well, 
if  he  will  cheat  himself  I  can't  help  him.  (Enter  Anybody's 
Wife's  Cook,  corner  of  apron  tucked  up.  General  air  of  slow 
stewing.)  Good  morning,  HERDSMAN.  These  books  seem  very 
high  this  week. 

Anybody's  Wife's  Cook.  Indeed,  mum.  All  I  can  say  is,  I  do 
my  best  to  keep  'em  down  ;  but  there  's  a  lot  of  us  to  feed,  and 
the  boy  is  a  very  free  eater,  a  reg'Iar  gorger,  I  call  'im.  'E  bust 
two  of  his  buttons  orf  of  his  jacket  agin  yesterday,  after  dinner. 
So  I  says  to  'im,  "GEORGE,"  I  says,  "you  are  not  doin'  fair  by 
your  Christian  'ome.  I  like  to  see  a  young  boy  enjoyin'  'is 
food,"  T  says,  "but  you  are  outragis ;  there's  no  two  words 
about  it,  you  are  outragia."  'E  seemed  moved,  but  I  know 
'e  '11  be  at  it  again,  to-day. 

A.  W.  But  all  these  groceries,  now.  The  tea  and  sugar  come 
to  a  very  heavy  sum,  and  the  cream 

A.  W.  C.  Ah,  I  thought  you'd  remark  on  the  cream,  mum. 
That 's  Master  ARTHUR  and  Miss  ALICE.  They  will  'ave  their 
cream,  and  if  I  don't  give  it  'em  they  come  canoodlin'  about  the 
kitchen  till  I'm  wild,  and  then  I  'ave  to  give  it  to  'em.  But, 
lor,  it 's  a  pleasure  to  see  them  blessed  dears  lappin'  it  up  so 
sweetly.  I  'aven't  the  'eart  to  say  no  to  'em,  bless  their  pretty 
faces,  but  I  says  to  'em,  "Master  ARTHUR,"  I  says,  "and  Miss 
ALTCE  give  over  now,  do  ;  your  Ma  won't  like  it  when  she  comes 
to  know  "  :  but  them  two  only  laughed  and  went  on  lappin'. 

A .  W .  T  must  speak  to  them  again.  I  can't  have  them  going 
on  like  this.  But  how  about  the  tea  ? 

A.  W.  C.  I  didn't  know  the  tea  was  partikler  'eavy,  mum. 
But  then  you  Ve  'ad  a  lot  of  company  in  the  afternoons,  and 
that  runs  away  with  the  tea. 

A.  W.  Well,  well,  I  suppose  it's  all  right.  What  about  to- 
night's dinner  ? 

A.  W.  C.  I've  put  down  a  clear  SOUP  and  fried  sole 

A.  W.  Oh,  your  master  said  he  wouldn't  have  any  more  soles. 
He's  tired  of  them. 

A.  W.  C.  Well,  let's  try  whitings.  We  'aven't  give  'im 
whitiners  for  a  week. 

A.  W.  No.  whitings  won't  do.     Isn't  there  any  other  fish? 

A.  W.  C.  Of  course,  there 's  plaice,  or  smelts. 

A.  W.  (in  de.srtair).  We'll  have  smelts — no,  we  can't  have 
smelts.  It  must  be  plaice,  and  he  can't  bear  plaice.  Never 
mind,  he  '11  have  to  have  plaice.  I  can't  invent  a  new  fish  for 
him  every  day. 

A.  W.  C.  (resvect  fully) .  No,  mum. 

A.  W.  (reading  from  Cook's  slate).  Cutlets,  roast  chicken 
and  tongue,  cabinet  pudding.  Yes,  that'll  do,  cook,  thank  you. 
But  we  really  must  try  to  p^t  the  books  down. 

A.  W.  C.  Yes.  mum.  There  was  another  thing  I  wanted  to 
tell  you,  mum.  Master  ARTHUR'S  dog  came  ramnagin'  into  the 
kitchen,  yesterday,  and  broke  two  of  the  best  dishes  of  that  set 
you  bought  last  month.  [Scene  doses  in  gloom  and  lamentation. 

LAPSUS  CALAMI? 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH, — Your  intelligent  correspondent,  who  was 
good  enough  to  report,  under  the  heading  "A  Modern  Paris,"  a 
painful  interview  which  occurred  between  myself  and  Brown  mini- 
mus, asserts  that  I  mentioned  Diana  as  a  likely  candidate  for  the 
Ribstone  pippin.  Do  you  imagine,  Sir,  that  I  should  have  been 
so  moonstruck  as  to  substitute  the  chaste  huntress  for  the 
queen  of  learning — Minerva,  Pallas- Athene  ?  The  next  time 
that  the  writer  aforesaid  lurks  under  my  schoolroom  window 
let  him  know  that  a  long  arm  is  waiting  for  his  short-hand. 
Your  obedient  servant,  NICHOLAS  NIBBLECHICK,  D.D. 

Flankum  College,  August  17. 

OF  A  FORGIVING  NATURE.— ABEL,  the  cricketer,  always  uses  a 
cane-spliced  bat. 


VOI.    CXI. 


86 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  22,  1896. 


CO 
LL 

U 

UJ 

DC 

X 
H 

U 

I 
H 


•<  Q 

„  fc 


H   •< 


*S  ^T 


1 


•r 


AUGUST  22,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


87 


"THE  THREE  FS" 

(Of  Cricket). 
A  BIG  MATCH  AND  A  BIG  MORAL. 

["  They  (the  professionals)  put  forward  their 
complaint  in  a  manner  that  was  more  than  awk- 
ward, and  they  were  properly  made  to  withdraw  it 
unreservedly;  but  it  cannot  be  denied  that  there 
was  some  foundation  for  their  grievance.  When 
40,000  persons  go  to  sr  3  a  match,  and  pay  a  shilling 
apiece  for  so  doing,  i!  is  only  natural  that  the  crack 
English  bowlers  and  bats,  who  were  as  much  a  part 
of  the  attract*'  n  as  the  well-paid  Australians, 
should  think  tney  were  worth  something  more  than 
the  regulation  ten  pounds." — Times.'] 

Mr.  Punch,  Universal  Umpire,  loquitur: — 

HANDS  all  round,  gentlemen  all, 
Kings  of  the  Bat  and  lords  of  the  Ball ! 

Union  must  reign  at  the  wicket ! 
'Gainst     sordidness,     stinginess,      temper 

and  strife, 
Our  motto  must   ever  be   "War  to  the 

knife," 
In  the  honour  of  "Glorious  Cricket." 

All's  well    that    ends    well!     A    bravely- 
fought  match, 

Well      ended      by      ABEL'S      remarkable 

catch ! — 

You'll    stick    to    that    ball,     eh,    my 
BOBBY?— 

Talk  on  the   game,  of  its  turns,   of  the 
weather, 

Was  eager  wherever  men  muster  together, 
From  tavern  to  Parliament  lobby. 

Would  GRACE  win  the  toss?     Would  he 

take  "first  knock"? 
Would  STODDART  play?    It  was  rather  a 

shock 
When  the  Middlesex  marvel  stood  out 

of  itl 
Would     run-getting     RANJI     a     century 

pile?— 
Ju-Plu    at   that    question   indulged   in   a 

smile. 

'Twas    a    bowler's    match,    there 's    no 
doubt  of  it. 

GRACE  won't  pile  three  hundred  and  one 

on  this  pitch ; 
But   his  twenty-four   in   fair   promise    is 

rich, 

And  as  hard  as  a  hundred  to  tottle. 
E'en  slashing  WYNTARD  can't  "keep  'em 

alive," 

And  a  first  innings  total  of  one-four-five 
Doesn't    send  England's    heart    to    her 

throttle. 

More    questions    nowl      Will    the    Corn- 
stalks pass 

England's     score?  —  which     is    not     very 

bumping,  alas  1 
Why,  IREDALE  and  DARLING  may  top  it! 

Seventy-seven    the    two !      Quite    a    nice 
little  lot ! 

But  then  HEARNE  and  PEEL  seemed  to 

set  up  a  "  rot," 

And  their  captain  himself  cannot  stop 
it. 

Have    they    "found   a    spot"?     HEARNE 

bowls  GREGORY — One ! 
And  DONNAN'S  down  —  Tenl     and    PEEL 

keeps  up  the  fun — 
Which    unto    "TROTT'S    Lot"    is    nor, 

funny. 
One  hundred  and  nineteen !     Elate  is  the 

mood 
Of  the  Briton   who   feels   "  twenty-six   to 

the  good," 
And    will   back    GRACE'S    men — ah,    tor 

money  1 

But  GRACE  down  for  nine,  and  the  Blaok 
Prince  for  two ! ! 


"WOULD  YOU  GENTLEMEN  LIKE  TO  LOOK  AT  THE  OLD  CHURCH?" 
"Ho,  YUS.    WE'RE  NUTS  ON  OLD  CHURCHES!" 


All  out  Eighty-four ! ! !      Now  our  Briton 

looks  blue. 
"The     Cornstalks     will     collar     those 

'  ashes.' 
They'll    just    win   the    rubber.     A    pity 

GEORGE  LOHMANN 
Should  favour  a  split,  right  in  face  of  the 

f  oeman ! " 
A  grumbler  misfortune  soon  dashes. 

But    oh,    that    third    day  II!     Oh,    JACK 

HEARNE  ! !    Oh,  BOB  PEEL  ! !  1 
Our  Briton's  delight  finds  full  vent  in  a 

squeal. 
TROTT  and  TRTJMBLE  are  all-of-a-trem- 

ble! 
CLEM  HILL  is  an  aspen  1     They  take  it 

like  men, 
But — BOB  ABEL  catches  McKiBBiN! — and 

then 
Our  Briton  his  joy  can't  dissemble. 

The  rubber  match  won  by  a  good  sixty- 
six  1 

Just    when    we    expected    the    sorest   of 

licks! 

Hooray  for  GRACE,  PEEL,  HEARNE  and 
ABEL! 


Hooray  for  TROTT,  TRUMBLE  &  Co.    Ah, 

hooray 
For — oh,  Everybody!!    You  know  the  old 

way, 

And  the  shout  of  the  old  Surrey  Babel  I 
*  »  »  * 

Gentlemen  all.  .amateurs,  pros, 
Cricket-club  CHBSUS,  whose  cash-box  o'er- 

flows, 

Paid  Players  or — takers  of  exes. 
Is  this  a  game  Britons  wish  to  be  fought 
Like  strikes  and  lock-outs  for  mere  money  ? 

The  thought 
A  cricket  enthusiast  vexes. 

Yet    who    makes    the    game?     Not    the 

Players  alone, 
Nor     the      Amateurs      only.      Together 

they've  grown, 
MYNN     and    PILCH,     WALKER,     JXJPP, 

GRACE  and  ABEL. 
"Fair    Play,    Fair    Pay,     Friendliness!" 

That's  Punch's  toast: 
The    cricket    "Three    F.'s,"    which    our 

cricketing  hosts 
Should    knit    in    firm    strands    like    a 

cable ! 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  -2-2, 


JOTTINGS    AND    TITTLINGS. 

(By  BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO  JABBERJEE,  B.A.) 
No.  XXL 

Mr.  Jabberjee  halloas  before  he  is  quite  out  of  the  Wood. 

BEING  (to  my  best  of  belief)  satisfactorily  off  with  the  old 
love,  I  naturally  became  as  playful  as  a  kitten  or  gay  as  a  grig. 
For  the  most  superficial  observer,  and  with  the  half  of  a  naked 
optic,  could  easily  discern  the  immeasurable  superiority  of  Miss 


"A  KoyaliCommand  from  the  Queen-Empress." 

WEE-WEE  to  JESSIMINA  in  all  the  refinements  and  delicacies  of  a 
real  English  lady,  and  although,  up  to  present  date,  the  timidity 
of  girlishness  has  restrained  Miss  ALLBUTT-!NNETT  from  recipro- 
cating my  increasing  spooniness,  her  parents  and  brother  are  of 
an  overwhelming  cordiality,  and  repeatedly  mention  their  ardent 
hope  that  I  may  become  their  guest  up  in  the  hills  some  time 
this  autumn. 

So  that  Hope  is  already  recommencing  to  hop  jauntily  about 
the  secret  chamber  of  my  heart. 

For,  seeing  the  magnanimous  contempt  for  the  snobbishness 
of  chasing  a  tuft  that  actuates  their  bosoms,  I  am  no  longer 
apprehensive  that  their  affection  for  this  present  writer  will  be 
at  all  impaired  by  the  revelation  that  he  is  merely  a  member  of 
nature's  nobility.  Rather  the  contrary. 

As  Poet  BURNS  remarks  with  great  truthfulness,  "  Hank  is  but 
a  penny  stamp,  and  a  Man  is  a  Man  and  all  that."  Neverthe- 
less, for  the  present,  I  am  resolved  to  remain  mum  as  a  mouse. 

Since  I  am  now  in  their  pockets  for  a  perpetuity,  I  was  privi- 
leged on  a  recent  evening  to  escort  the  ALLBUTT-!NNETT  ladies  to 
the  Empire  of  India  Exhibition,  upon  which  I  shall  now  pro- 
nounce the  opinion  of  an  expert,  though  space  forbids  me  to 
describe  its  multitudinous  marvels,  save  with  the  brevity  of  a 
soul  of  wit. 

In  the  Cinghalese  Palace  we  beheld  a  highly  pious  Yogi  from 
Ceylon,  who  had  trained  himself  to  perform  his  devotions  with 
one  of  his  legs  embracing  his  neck,  or  walking  upon  the  caps  of 


his  knees  with  his  toes  inserted  into  his  waistband.  But  I  am 
not  convinced  that  such  a  style  of  prayer-making  is  at  all  supe- 
rior in  reverence  to  more  ordinary  attitudes,  especially  when 
exhibited  publicly  for  an  honorarium. 

I  feel  proud  to  narrate  that,  at  Miss  WEE-WEE'S  urgent  en- 
treaties, I  subdued  my  native  funkiness  so  far  as  to  make  the 
revolution  of  the  Gigantic  Wheel,  in  spite  of  grave  apprehen- 
sions that  it  would  prore  but  a  house  of  cards,  or  suddenly  be- 
come totally  immobile — though  to  pass  interminable  hours  at  a 
lofty  attitude  with  such  a  lively  companion  might,  on  secondary 
thoughts,  have  possessed  pleasing  saccharine  compensations. 
Nevertheless,  I  was  relieved  when  we  descended  without  having 
hitched  anywhere,  and  I  did  most  firmly  decline  to  fly  in  the 
face  of  Providence  for  five  shillings  in  the  basket  of  a  captive 
balloon. 

The  Indian  street  is  constructed  with  cleverness,  but  gives  a 
very,  very  inadequate  idea  of  the  principal  Calcutta  thorough- 
fares ;  moreover,  to  cultivated  Indian  intellects,  the  fuss  made 
by  English  ladies  over  native  artisans  and  mechanics  of  rather 
so-so  abilities  and  appearance  seems  a  little  ludicrous ! 

After  dining,  we  witnessed  the  Historical  Spectacle  of  India 
in  the  Empress  Theatre,  and  Miss  WEE-WEE  made  the  criticism 
that  the  fall  of  Somnath  was  accomplished  with  a  too  great 
facility,  since  its  so-called  defenders  did  lie  down  with  perfect 
tameness  and  counterfeit  death  immediately  the  army  of  Sultan 
MAHMUD  galloped  their  horses  through  the  gateway. 

But  this  appeared  to  me  rather  a  typical  and  prudent  exercise 
of  their  discretion. 

It  seems — though  (in  spite  of  extensive  historical  researches) 
I  was  in  previous  ignorance  of  the  fact — that  Sultan  MAHMUI>, 
the  Great  Mogul  AKBAR,  and  SIVAJI  the  Mahratta  Chief,  were 
each  taken  in  tow  and  personally  conducted  by  a  trio  of  Divine 
Guides,  respectively  named  Love,  Mercy,  and  Wisdom,  who 
came  forward  whenever  nothing  cf  consequence  was  transpiring, 
and  sang  with  the  melodiousness  of  Paradisiacal  fowls. 

As  for  the  representation  of  the  Hindu  Paradise,  I  shall  con- 
fess to  some  disappointment,  seeing  that  it  was  exclusively  re- 
served to  military*  masculines — the  more  highly  educated  civilian 
class  of  Baboos  being  left  out  of  the  cold  altogether !  Nor  am  I 
in  love  with  a  future  state  in  which  there  is  so  much  dancing  up 
and  down  lofty  flights  of  stairs  with  terpsichorean  energy,  and 
manoeuvring  in  companies  and  circles  with  members  of  the  softer 
sex.  As  a  philosophical  conception  of  disembodied  existence,  it 
is  undeniably  deficient  in.  repose,  though  perhaps  good  enough 
for  ordinary  fighting  chaps ! 

I  spent  a  rapturous  and  ripping  evening,  however,  greatly 
owing  to  the  condescension  of  Miss  WEE-WEE,  who  exhibited 
such  entertainment  at  my  comments  that  I  left  under  the  con- 
fident persuasion  that  I  was  infallibly  to  be  the  favoured  swain. 

On  returning  to  Hereford  Road,  I  found  a  last  letter  from 
JESSIMINA,  beseeching  me,  for  the  sake  of  "Old  Langsyne,"  to 
meet  her  on  the  following  evening  at  Westbourne  Park  Station, 
and  mentioning  that  certain  events  had  occurred  to  change  her 
views,  and  she  was  now  only  desirous  for  an  amicable  arrange- 
ment. 

Accordingly,  perceiving  that  I  had  no  longer  any  reason  to 
dread  such  an  encounter,  and  not  wishing  her  to  peak  and  pine 
through  my  unkindness,  I  wrote  at  once  accepting  the  rendez- 
vous. 

When  I  duly  turned  up,  lo  and  behold !  I  found  she  was  es- 
corted, not  only  by  her  eagle-eyed  mother  (JESSIMINA  herself 
inherits,  in  Hamlet's  immortal  phraseology,  "  an  eye  like  Ma's, 
to  threaten  or  command  "),  but  also  by  a  juvenile  individual  with 
a  black  necktie  and  Hebrew  profile,  whom  she  formally  intro- 
duced to  me  as  Mr.  SOLOMONS. 

Though  a  little  hurt  by  this  proof  of  the  rapidity  of  feminine 
fickleness,  I  began  to  congratulate  her  effusively  on  having  ob- 
tained such  an  excellent  substitute  for  my  worthless  self,  and 
to  wish  the  happy  couple  all  earthly  felicities,  when  she  explained 
that  he  was  not  a  fiance,  but  merely  a  sort  of  friend,  and  Mrs. 
MANKLETOW  severely  added  that  they  had  come  to  know  whether 
I  still  declined  to  fulfil  my  legal  contract. 

Naturally  I  made  the  answer  that  I  had  recently  offered  to 
fulfil  same  to  best  ability,  but  that,  my  offer  having  been  de- 
clined with  contumeliousness,  the  affair  was  now  on  its  end. 

Here  JESSIMINA  said  that  she  had  of  course  refused  to  marry 
a  man  who  declared  that  he  was  already  the  owner  of  a  dusky 
spouse,  but  that,  oji  inquiries  from  Mr.  CHUCKERBUTTY  RAM, 
she  had  made  the  discovery  that  my  said  infant  wife  had  popped 
off  with  some  juvenile  complaint  or  other  three  or  four  years 
ago. 

At  this  I  was  rendered  completely  flabaghast — for,  although 
the  allegation  was  undeniably  correct,  I  had  confidently  hoped 


AUGUST  22,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


89 


FIN-DE-SIECLE    LUXURY. 

THE  NEW  "LOUNGE  OR  "EASY"  CHAIR,  JUST  THE  VERY  THING  AFTER  A  LONG,  HOT,  WEARY  DAY  IN  THE* CITY  OR  ELSEWHERE. 
THE  MERE  ACT  OF  THROWING  THE  HEAD  BACK  SETS  THE  WHOLE  APPARATUS  WORKING  ;  BY  TOUCHING  A  STOP  THE  SPRAYING  OF  SCENT, 
THE  FANNING  THE  Music,  THE  ELECTRIC  LIGHTING,  &c.,  CAN  BE  TURNED  OFF  AS  DESIRED.  [You  touch  the  Knob,  the,  Chair  does  the  rest. 


that  my  friend  RAM  was  unaware  of  the  fact,  or  would  at  least 
have  the  ordinary  mother-wit  to  refrain  from  blurting  it  out! 
"  Et  tu,  Brute ! "  But  I  must  make  the  dismal  confession  that 
my  friends  are  mostly  a  very  fat-witted  sort  of  fellows. 

Que  fairef — except  to  explain  that  my  melancholy  bereave- 
ment must  have  entirely  slipped  off  my  memory,  and  that  in  any 
case  it  had  no  logical  connection  with  the  matter  in  hand. 

Then  Mrs.  MANKLETOW  inquired,  would  I,  or  would  I  not, 
marry  her  illused  child  ?  and  stated  that  all  she  wished  for  was 
a  plain  answer. 

I  replied  that  it  was  a  very  natural  and  moderate  desire,  and 
I  was  prepared  to  gratify  it  at  once  by  the  plain  answer  of — Not 
on  any  account. 

Whereupon  Mr.  SOLOMONS  stepped  forward  and  politely  handed 
me  a  folded  paper,  and,  observing  that  he  thought  there  was  no 
need  to  protract  the  interview,  he  lifted  his  hat  and  went  off 
with  the  ladies,  leaving  myself  upon  a  bench  endeavouring  to 
get  the  sense  of  the  official  document  into  my  baffled  and  bewil- 
dered nob. 

Eventually  I  gathered  that  it  was  a  Royal  command  from  the 
Queen-Empress,  backed  by  the  Lord  High  Chancellor  of  Great 
Britain,  that  I  was  to  enter  my  appearance  in  an  action  at  the 
suit  of  JEMIMA  MANKLETOW  for  a  claim  of  damages  for  having 

breached  my  promise  to  marry  1 

*  *  *  »  *  * 

No  matter  I  Pughl  Fiddle-de-dee!  Never  mind!  Who 
cares? 

Having  successfully  passed  Exam,  and  been  called  to  the  Bar, 
I  am  now  an  amicus  curice,  and  the  friend  in  Court. 

I  shall  enter  my  appearance  in  the  forensic  costume  of  wig 
and  gown. 

What  will  be  the  price  of  the  plaintiff's  pleadings  then, 
Madams  ? 

THE  NEWEST  BALLAD  OF  EAST  AND  WEST; 

Or,  The  Grand  Old  Man  and  the  Grand  Old  Mandarin. 

["  Unexpected  circumstances  have  brought  me  to  England,  and  I  should 
reproach  myself  if  I  did  not  make  an  effort  to  procure  the  privilege  of  seeing 
such  a  celebrated  statesman  of  the  present  century." — Li  Hung  Chang's  Letter 
to  Mr.  Gladstone.] 

OB,  East  is  East,  and  West  is  West,  as  KiPtiNQ  once  did  say, 
But  when  two  Grand  Old  Statesmen  meet  they  must  find-  a  lot  to  say. 
Though  England  is  England,  and  China  is  China,  let  latitude  go  hang  ! 
It  were  worth  a  ivalk  to  o'erhear  the  talk  of  GLADSTONE  and  Li  ITvirtt 
CHANG. 

*•»**« 

The  Lounging  Coat  and  the  Yellow  Jacket  each  other  may  much 

illume, 
When  the  Harwarden  recluse  doth  hob-a-nob  with  the  Lord  of 

the  Peacock  Plume. 


Will  the  good  old  Chinese  catechism  the  G.  O.  M.  be  poured  en  ? 
And  what  will  they  say,  in  a  friendly  way,  of  the  hero,  Chinese 
GORDON  ? 

Chin-chin!    Chow-chow!     Topside  galow!    Conventional  patois 

patter  1 
No   pigeon-English   may   serve  these  two   for   a  cosmopolitan 

chatter. 
Great  Li  is  a  citizen  of  the  world,  as  GOLDSMITH  would  have 

said, 
And  the  hopes  and  fears  of  sixty  years  are  stored  in  that  good, 

grey  head. 

The  celestial  may  "  blow  his  cloud,"  and  the  Liberal  chief  may 

not : 
(His  clouds  are  emitted  in  speech,  not  smoke,  as  the  mandarin 

well  may  wot.) 

No  doubt  the  two  will  survey  mankind  from  China  to — Japan ! 
For  tongues  will  wag  when  a  Grand  Old  Mandarin  visits  a  Grand 

Old  Man! 

Will  the  great  ex-Minister  teach  Li  HUNG  how  to  buy  torpedoes 
— cheap, 

From  the  British  Arsenal  ?  A  "  tip "  that  would  make  Li 's 
stout  heart  leap. 

Will  he  tell  him  what  "  Arbitration  "  means,  for  the  which  en- 
thusiasts shout  ? 

And  whether  'tis  moral  force  or  the  sword  is  to  bring  that  boon 
about  ? 

And  will  Li  HUNG  teach  the  Liberal  chief  what  Conservatism 

signifies 
When  'tis  of  the  right  celestial  tap  which  his  land's  long  record 

dignifies  ? 
And  will  they  agree  that  your  true  To-ree  is  found  out  Pekin 

way? 
That   an    old   bone-shaker 's   a   "  scorcher "    compared  with   a 

"Cycle  of  Cathay"? 

»****» 
Oh,  East  is  East,  and  West  is  West,  as  RVDYARD  did  remark,  ^ 
And  England  compares  with  China  as  a  Great  Liner  with  Noah's  Ark  ; 
But  there  is  no  East  and  there  is  no  West  when,  in  cordial  chin-chin, 
In  Hawarden's  halls  the  Grand  Old  Man  meets  the  Grand  Old  Mandarin! 


In  a  Public -house. 

Toper  (reading  from  newspaper).  "The  Prince  of  WALES  has 
left  London  for  Homburg  to  drink  the  waters."  There  's  taste 
for  yerl  Another  pint  of  old  and  mild,  please,  miss. 

THE  MAN  WHO  ENJOYS  OTIUM  CUM  DIG. — The  day-by-day 
gardener. 


90 


PUNCH,   OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  22,  1896. 


SUNDAY    FOOTBALL. 


"  JUST   LOOK  WHAT  YOUR  BoYS   HAVE  DONE  TO   MY   HAT,    MRS.    JONES  !" 

"  OH,    THE  DEARS  !      OH,    I  AM  SO   SORRY  !      NOW,    TOM   AND   HARRY,    SAY  HOW  SORRY    YOU   ARE,    AND  MR.    L.AMBOURNE  WON'T  MIND 


r 


dEirmft 


President  of  the  Royal  Academy. 
BORN  JUNE  8,  1829.        DIED  AUGUST  13,  1896. 

A  combination,  and  a  form,  indeed, 
Where  every  god  did  seem  to  set  Ms  seal, 
To  give  the  world  assurance  of  a  MAN. 

Samlet,  Act  III.,  Sc.  4. 

AT  last  Death  brings  his  Order  of  Release, 
And  our  great  English  painter  lies  at  peace, 

Amidst  a  nation's  sorrow. 
A  man  in  heart  and  Art,  in  soul  and  frame, 
By  love  encompassed,  and  secure  of  fame, 

Through  history's  long  to-morrow. 

The  world  seems  greyer,  gloomier,  far  less  young, 
For  loss  of  him,  the  free  of  touch  and  tongue, 

Nature's  own  child  in  both. 
By  glowing  canvas  or  by  rushing  stream, 
With  brush  or  rod,  he  was  no  thrall  of  dream, 

Feebleness,  fad,  or  sloth. 

Fresh  as  the  morn,  and  frank  as  noon's  full  flush, 
In  friendship  as  in  Art,  with  speech  or  brush, 

Health,  heartiness,  and  power 
Were  his,  from  earliest  critic-chidden  days, 
To  that  fine  prime  when  universal  praise 

Hailed  genius  in  full  flower. 

Men  loved  the  man,  and  Art  the  artist  crowned, 
The  brush  that  pictured  poor  Ophelia  drowned 

In  young  pre-Raphaelite  days, 
Glowed  with  a  virile  vigour  and  sweet  charm 
Too  masterful  to  take  abiding  harm 

From  mere  mimetic  craze. 


English  he  was,  and  England  best  inspired 
His  skill  unfailing  and  his  toil  untired. 

On  his  strong  canvas  live 
Her  loveliest  daughters  and  her  noblest  sons, 
All  that  to  a  great  age,  which  swift  out-runs, 

Its  greatest  glories  give. 

And  he  among  those  glories  takes  high  rank. 
Painter  more  masterly  or  friend  more  frank 

Its  closing  scarce  shall  show. 

Our  good,  great  MILLAIS  gone !  And  yet  not  dead  I 
.  His  best  lives  on,  though  that  worn,  noble  head 

In  rest  at  last  lies  low  1 


A   LITTLE    HERO. 

[LEONARD  STEELE,  aged  sixteen,  a  moulder,  of  14,  Gibbon's  Road,  Strat- 
ford, hearing  that  a  little  boy,  named  BARTRUM,  bathing  in  a  very  dangerous 
part  of  the  Lea,  was  drowning,  dived  for  him  three  times,  and  at  the  third 
attempt  recovered  the  body,  which  was  embedded  in  the  mud.  Asked  by  the 
coroner  if  he  had  saved  any  lives  from  that  river,  he  answered  simply,  "  Yes, 
Sir;  I  have  rescued  four  from  this  river,  and  altogether  I  have  saved  seven."] 

SEVEN  lives  saved,  and  at  sixteen  years  oldl 
That  moulder  lad  has  a  heart  of  gold. 
A  boy  of  mettle,  and  all  must  feel 
He  lends  a  new  meaning  to  "  true  as  STEELE  " ! 
Who  holds  such  a  record,  ere  reaching  a  score, 
Deserves  the  gold  medal — and  something  more. 
From  the  "  Royal  Humane  "  he  the  medal  may  gain  ; 
But  what  will  they  add  who  are  rich  and  humane  ? 


A  BONA  FIDE  TRAVELLER'S  SUGGESTION. — Is  it  not  a  waste 
of  nomenclature!  force  to  have  a  "Lord  Warden"  (of  Cinque- 
ports)  at  Walmer,  and  also  a  "  Lord  Warden  "  (Hotel)  at  Dover  ? 
Why  should  not  the  latter,  belonging  as  it  does  to  the  "  Gordon 
Hotels  Co."  (and  doing  credit  to  the  proprietors  in  its  recon- 
struction and  in  its  cuisine),  be  called  "The  Lord  Gordon 
Hotel"? 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI.— AUGUST  22,  1896. 


!(. 


A  TURKISH  BATH. 


SULTAN.  "  THEY  GAVE  IT  ME  PEETTY  HOT  IN  THAT  ARMENIAN  EOOM  !    BUT— BISMILLAH  ! 

THIS  IS PHEW  !  !  " 

[The  Porte  now  realises  the  gravity  of  the  situation  in  Crete. — Daily  Paper."] 


AUGUST  22,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


93 


THE  PEACE  CONGRESS  OF  THE 
NEAR  FUTURE. 

(P  rophetic  Report — in  advance — by  Our  Special 
at  the  Seat  of  War,) 

THE  last  meeting  of  the  Friend  -,  to 
Universal  Fraternity  has  now  been  held, 
with  not  altogether  decisive  results. 
From  an  early  hour  in  the  morning  the 
Third  French  Section  had  occupied  the 
first  floor  of  a  house  adjoining  the  Hall  of 
Congress,  and  were  evidently  on  the  look 
out  for  their  compatriots.  At  eight 
o'clock  the  Second  Section  arrived  in 
Langham  Place,  and  commenced  a  desul- 
tory fire,  which  was  speedily  suppressed  by 
the  police. 

At  ten  the  doors  of  the  Congress  Hall 
were  tried,  but  found  to  be  locked,  the 
proprietor  having  lodged  overnight  a 
formal  objection  to  the  employment  of 
artillery  within  the  walls  of  the  building, 
which  objection  it  had  been  found  impos- 
sible by  the  committee  to  entertain,  or, 
indeed,  to  treat  with  the  slightest  atten- 
tion. Under  these  circumstances,  the 
owner  had  considered  himself  justified  in 
intervening  on  his  own  behalf,  with  the 
result  specified. 

Prevented  from  taking  possession  of  the 
premises  they  had  hitherto  occupied,  the 
various  foreign  delegates  sought  occupa- 
tion elsewhere.  The  Swiss,  led  by  a 
bugler,  proceeded  at  a  steady  trot  up 
Portland  Place,  and  arriving  at  Park 
Crescent,  deployed,  and  opened  fire  on 
the  Italian  Section,  which  were  said  to  be 
in  echelon  in  Upper  Wimpole  Street. 
Again  the  police  expostulated,  and  the 
Swiss  (at  the  double)  "  moved  on  "  to  the 
Marylebone  Road. 

While  this  was  taking  place  the  Dutch 
made  a  descent  upon  Cavendish  Square, 
with  a  view  to  looting  a  well-known  bank. 
Fortunately,  the  constable  on  duty  was 
able  to  deal  with  the  matter  satisfactorily, 
and,  with  the  assistance  of  a  colleague, 
promptly  conveyed  the  rioters  to  the 
nearest  station-house. 

The  great  question  of  "  Enforced  Friend- 
ship "  was  now  occupying  the  serious  at- 
tention of  the  German  delegates  and  the 
Second  and  Third  Sections  of  the  French. 
The  opposing  forces  faced  one  another — 
the  first  drawn  up  at  Oxford  Circus  and 
the  others  at  Langham  Place.  The  ser- 
vices of  two  buglers  (belonging  to  the 
Norwegian  branch)  having  been  secured, 
the  order  to  sound  "  the  charge "  was 
given.  Immediately  the  rivals  fixed  their 
bayonets  and  rushod  towards  one  another. 
It  was  at  this  moment  that  a  constable  in 
plain  clothes  (who  happened  to  be  passing) 
showed  wonderful  tact  and  discretion. 
Raising  his  arm,  he  stopped  the  traffic  at 
Mortimer  Street,  and  for  the  moment  the 
threatened  collision  was  averted.  The 
would-be  rioters  halted,  and  singing  re- 
spectively the  "Marseillaise"  and  "Die 
Wacht  am  Rhein,"  disappeared  in  oppo- 
site directions. 

It  was  now  noon,  and  the  remainder  of 
the  delegates  —  Italitm,  Swiss,  Austrian, 
Russian,  Polish  and  Danish — were  busily 
blazing  away  at  ono  another  in  Regent 
Street.  In  spite  of  the  efforts  of  the  by- 
standers, it  was  impracticable  to  cause 
them  to  desist.  It  was  felt  that  until  the 
stock  of  ammunition  was  exhausted,  it 
would  be  useless  to  expect  a  cessation  of 
hostilities. 

It  is  satisfactory,  however,  to  note 
that  hitherto — thanks,  no  doubt,  to  the 
wildness  of  the  firing — there  has  been  no 
casualty. 


WANDERINGS  IN  THE  VACATION. 

The  Worthy  Pedagogue  takes  steps  to  procure  a 
second  pupil.  He  finds  OCTAVIUS  lacking  in 
veneration,  and  reluctant  to  receive  informa- 
tion anent  the  Wardenship  of  the  Cinque-ports. 

Now  that  we  are  in  the  midst  of  the 
holidays  it  is  my  desire  to  find  a  compa- 
nion for  the  dear  pupil  already  intrusted 
to  my  care.  I  purpose  to  move  from 
place  to  place,  giving,  as  I  pass  along, 
instruction  combined  with  amusement. 
Following  the  plan  pursued  with  so  much 
success  by  my  revered  father  in  the  past, 
I  hope  to  feather  my  own  nest  while  fill- 
ing the  heads  of  the  young  with  know- 
ledge and  pleasing  fancies.  This  desire 
is  abnormally  strong  at  the  present  mo- 
ment, because  my  pupil  of  to-day — my 
solitary  charge — is  a  little  too  much  for 
me.  He  is  a  thoroughly  good  boy,  but 
is  lacking  in  reverence,  and  it  has  oc- 
curred to  me  that  had  he  a  companion 
who  held  me  in  proper  respect  the  result 


would  be  a  distinct  increase  in  what 
phrenologists  would  call  his  "organ  of 
veneration." 

"  My  dear  young  friend,"  I  said,  the 
other  day,  "  now  that  you  are  at  Dover, 
it  \vould  be  as  well  that  you  should  learn 
the  history  of  the  Cinque-ports.  You 
n>ust  know " 

"  Walk  up  ladies  and  gents  and  see  the 
live  lions  stuffed  with  straw,  and  you 
don't  pay  nothing  for  reserved  Seats  if 
you  keep  your  dirty  boots  off  the  cushions 
of  the  carriages,"  he  interposed. 

"  Now,  really,  my  dear  young  friend," 
I  remonstrated,  "  you  seem  to  be  straying 
from  the  subject.  According  to  the 
newspapers  —  the  customary  source  of 
public  information — I  find  that  no  less  a 
person  than  Lord  SALISBURY  has  recently 
accepted  the  Wardenship  of  the  Cinque- 
ports.  This,  you  must  know,  is  a  posi- 
tion of  great  dignity,  dating  from  a  time 
prior  to  the  Norman  Conquest.  You 
must  know  that  when  EDWARD  the  Con- 
fessor granted " 

"  '  Oui,'  said  he,  knowing  the  language, 
and  he  gave  a  bit  of  sugar  to  the  bird," 
once  irore  interrupted  OCTAVITJS.  "It's 
no  use  jabbering  like  that,  old  chappie, 
for  all  the  tickets  are  gone  and  they  have 
had  to  sell  the  perambulator." 

"Again  I  must  insist  upon  your  cour- 
teously give  me  your  attention.  And 
here  I  must  point  out  to  you  that  as  I 
am  your  pedagogue  by  position,  and  many 
years  your  senior.  I  cannot  permit  you  to 
address  me  as  'old  chappie. 

"Well,  venerable  cockolorum,  or  noble 
sportsman,  or  my  pal  from  over  the 


wrong  side  of  the  water.  I  ain't  proud — 
no,  not  me — so  take  your  choice,  you 
frivolous  young  whelk,  and  keep  the  pot 
a-boiling  to  the  tune  of  'Judy  Calla- 
ghan.'" 

Finding  that  it  was  impossible  to  carry 
on  the  conversation  further  with  any 
sense  of  dignity  after  being  addressed  as 
"  a  frivolous  young  whelk,"  I  gave  him 
my  blessing  and  silently  withdrew. 

And  having  written  thus  far,  I  enclose 
my  card,  which  shows  me  to  be, 

MR.  BARLOW  THE  YOUNGER. 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

In  Scarlet  and  Grey  is  an  admirable 
title  for  Mrs.  HENNIKER'S  series  of  sto- 
ries (JOHN  LANE),  since  it  does  not  appear 
to  have  anything  particular  to  do  with  the 
stories  themselves.  Another  and  more 
important  peculiarity  of  the  volume  is 
that  these  stories  do  not  form  a  collection 
of  unconsidered  trifles  rattled  off  for  the 
magazines.  Each  one  has  a  carefully- 
constructed  plot.  Through  each  the  cha- 
racters live  and  move  like  human  beings, 
and  throughout  is  a  pure,  strong,  literary 
style,  a  comfort  in  these  days  of  slipshod 
writing.  My  Baronite  cares  least  of  all 
for  what  Mrs.  HENNIKER  doubtless  chief- 
ly prizes,  the  story  written  in  collabora- 
tion with  Mr.  THOMAS  HARDY.  Mrs. 
HENNIKER  is  strong  enough  to  walk  by 
herself.  Her  freshness,  originality,  and 
unaffected  pathos  are  best  left  to  work 
out  their  own  creations.  Where  all 
are  good,  it  is  difficult  to  bestow  the 
palm  of  excellence.  Possibly  DICKENS 
would  have  preferred  "  Bad  and  Worth- 
less," which,  without  approach  to  imita- 
tion of  his  style,  is  much  in  his  mood. 
The  incident  of  the  disgraced  and  dis- 
missed private  soldier  stripping  himself  in 
the  snowstorm  to  shield  from  the  blast 
the  waif  child  he  had  found  in  the  drift, 
is  finely  conceived  and  exquisitely  told. 
"  At  the  Sign  of  a  Startled  Fawn  "  is  an 
old,  old  story  re-dressed  with  the  grace  of 
apparently  artless — really  artful — literary 
style.  Actor-managers  in  search  of  mate- 
rial for  a  play  with  a  strong  character 
Eart  are  recommended  to  study  "A  Page 
rom  a  Vicar's  History."  In  Scarlet  and 
Grey  is  far  away  the  best  collection  of 
short  stories  recently  published. 

THE  BARON. 


THE  SONG  OF  HYBRIAS  THE  CRETAN. 

(Up-to-date  Version.) 

MY  wealth 's  few  cattle  and  little  land, 
Taxed  by  the  heavy  Musselman  hand, 

Whereto  I  have  to  truckle. 
What  use  to  plough,  to  reap,  to  sow  ? 
Against  the  Turk  I  would  strike  my  blow. 

My  brand  to  belt  I  '11  buckle. 

Wiseacres  say  I  should  not  wield 
A  massy  spear,  a  well-made  shield ; 

Nor  dare  to  draw  the  sword  1 
Oh !  would  those  heartless,  distant  drones 
But  had  to  bend  their  marrow-bones 

To  the  Turk  as  king  and  lord ! 


GAMES  AT  WHICH  Li  HUNG  CHANG  SEEMS 
HARD  TO  BEAT. — Consequences,  Patience, 
and  Bluff.  

MEM.  TO  CERTAIN  PROFESSIONALS. — Mr. 
Punch  likes  to  hear  of  cricketers  going  on 
strike.  Only  let  it  be  with  a  bat. 

TRUE  DIPSOMANIA. — Overbathing  at  the 
seaside. 


94 


PUNCH,   OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  22,  1896. 


MISSED! 

Angus.  "En,  MAN,  THAT  WASS  A  SPLENDID  COD  !    IF  WE  HAD  GOTTEN  THAT  COD  NOO,  WE  MICHT  HA'  BEEN  HA'AIN'  A  DRAM." 

Mr.  Smith  (from  Glasgow).  "INDEED,  AND  YE  WOULD,  ANGUS." 

Bauldry.  "MEBBE,  MAISTER  SMUTH,  IF  WE  WAD  HAVE  HAD  A  DRAM  AFORE  YE  WASS  LETTIN'  DOON  YER  LINE,  WE  MIGHT  HAVE 

GRAPPIT   THAT   MUCKLE   FUSH  !  " 


THE  COMING  COMMISSARIAT. 

[A  leading  Supply  Store  in  London  notifies  that  it  is  unable  to  procure  any 
good  Cheshire  cheese,  so  has  been  compelled  to  take  the  article  out  of  its  list.] 

TIME — The  end  of  next  Century.  SCENE — "  The  Pan-London  Stores" 
the  only  Shop  left  in  the  Metropolis,  which  has  swallowed  up  the 
others  ;  covers  two  square  miles,  and  sells  everything. 

Upturned  Colonist  (to  Store-warden,  answering  to  prehistoric 
Shopman,  seated  in  comfortable  automobile  arm-chair  behind 
counter).  Iwant'Some  good  English  apples,  please. 

Store-warden  (astonished).  English  apples  1  I  should  advise 
(jocosely)  a  visit  to  the  South  Kensington  Natural  History 
Museum.  They  may  have  some  imitations  there — in  wax. 

E.  Colonist  (abashed).  Oh,  it  doesn't  matter  at  all.  Er — 
Kentish  strawberries.  How  much  are  they  a  pound? 

S.  Warden.  I  should  think  a  pound  might  purchase  one  Kent- 
ish strawberry.  The  species  is  almost  extinct  in  fruticulture. 

It.  Colonist  (to  himself).  Dear  me!  How  well-educated  he 
seems  1  (To  him.)  What  is  grown  in  Kent,  then? 

S.  Warden.  Nothing  at  all,  I  believe.  It  has  reverted  to  its 
original  condition  of  a  weald,  or  forest-clad  tract. 

It.  Colonist.  Well,  there  'a  another  thing  I  want ;  some  Bass's 
pale  ale. 

S.  Warden  (staggered).  Bass!  We  have  no  such  name  on 
our  list.  Try  our  Sibero-Manchurian  Kola-beer  instead  P 

B.  Colonist.  Not  if  I  know  it.  I  suppose  at  any  rate  I  shall 
be  safe  in  ordering  a  joint  of  Southdown  mutton  ? 

S.  Warden.  The  last  joint  I  heard  of  was  sold  about  fifty 
years  ago. 

It.  Colonist  (roused  at  last).  Then  may  I  ask  if  you  sell  any 
earthly  thing  that  is  home-grown  ? 

S.  Warden  (puzzled).  Home-grown?  I  don't  recognise  the 
adjective. 

B.  Colonist.  English!     Do  you  sell  anything  English? 

S.  Warden  (in  wild  surprise).  Oh,  dear  me!  Nothing  at  all. 
We  gave  it  up  nearly  a  century  ago.  But  I  can  strongly  re- 
commend our  special  line  in  cheap  condensed  Tierra-del- 
Fuegian  Devonshire  cream.  [Left  recommending. 


MR.  BRIEFLESS  CORRECTS  A  CLERICAL  ERROR. 

Now  that  the  Long  Vacation  is  at  hand  I  have  time  to  discuss 
matters  with  my  admirable  and  excellent  clerk,  PORTINGTON, 
which  are  not  solely  connected  with  the  affairs  of  my  clients, 
or  rather  the  affairs  of  those  they  most  efficiently  represent. 

"  PORTINGTON,"  I  said,  the  other  day,  after  disposing  of  a 
month's  accumulation  of  circulars,  "I  have  seen  it  declared  in 
the  daily  journals  that  barristers'  clerks  are  too  zealous  in 
securing  their  masters'  fees.  Will  you  kindly  give  me  your  own 
experience." 

"Certainly,  Sir,"  returned  my  conscientious  assistant. 
"  Speaking  for  you  and  myself  I  can  say  that  I  scarcely  ever 
visit  the  solicitors  to  ask  for  money." 

"  I  am  glad  to  hear  you  say  so,"  I  replied,  "  because  nothing 
would  cause  me  greater  annoyance  than  to  hear  that  you  had 
been  too  pressing  on  my  behalf." 

"Aware  of  that  fact,  Sir,  I  have  not  made  up  your  fee  book 
for  no  end  of  a  time.  I  felt  that  you  -would  wish  me  to  treat 
the  collection  of  fees  with  the  utmost  latitude." 

"I  am  pleased,"  I  replied,  with  a  wave  of  my  hand.  "And 
now,  PORTINGTON,  I  have  but  one  question  to  ask.  You  see  that 
it  is  proposed  to  abolish  the  fees  of  barristers'  clerks.  What  do 
you  say  to  this  ?  " 

"It  seems  to  me  very  unjust,  Sir,  speaking  on  behalf  of  my 
colleagues." 

"  Yes,  yes,  I  quite  understand  that.  But  I  do  not  wish  you 
to  give  an  opinion  in  general,  but  one  in  particular.  Take  your 
own  case  ;  if  the  fees  hypothecated  to  you  attaching  to  my 
briefs  were  abolished,  would  you  lose  much  ?  " 

"Well,  Sir,"  returned  PORTINGTON,  after  some  hesitation  and 
consideration,  "  I  really  do  not  think  I  should  lose  anything 
at  all." 

And  after  mature  deliberation  I  am  inclined  to  believe  that 
PORTINGTON'S  computation  is  absolutely  correct. 

(Signed)        A.  BRIEFLESS,  JUNIOR. 

Pump  Handle  Court,  August,  1896. 


AUGUST  22,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


95 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

An  Unprotected  Bachelor  craves  for  quarter 
on  his  Travels. 

I  MEET  you  wheresoe'er  I  stray, 
At  ev'ry  turn  you  cross  my  way, 
You  wake  me  at  the  break  of  day, 

You  haunt  me  in  the  shade  of  night. 
In  vain  from  you  I  try  to  fly, 
In  vast  hotels  you  still  are  nigh ; 
By  stretching  lake,  on  mountain  high — 

Your  presence  fills  me  with  affright! 

I  fled  from  Spa  because  of  you, 

At  Basle  once  more  you  came  in  view, 

At  Homburgj  Ems,  Lausanne,  Beaulieu, 

And  Trouville  you  were  on  my  trail ; 
I  sought  a  quiet  Alpine  nook 
Far  from  the  reach  of  GAZE  or  COOK — 
They  handed  me  the  Strangers'  Book,, 

I  stared,  and  then  again  turned  tail  I 

"  Land  of  the  midnight  sun  1 "  I  cried, 
"  Thou  '11  grant  me  refuge  yet  denied  1 " 
And  so  to  Norway's  shores  I  hied, 

'Mid  fiords  and  fells  to  find  my  rest. 
Scarce  foot  I  'd  placed  upon  the  land, 
When    there,    with    guide-book    in    your 

hand, 
I  saw  you  standing  on  the  strand, 

Most  eager  on  your  constant  quest. 

I  sped  like  arrow  from  the  bow. 
And  on  blue  Danube's  restless  flow, 
Through  Iron  Gates  went  Eastward  Ho  I — 

To  find  you  on  the  steamer's  deck  1 
Again  in  Pera's  sun-baked  street, 
By  where  spring  Asia's  Waters  Sweet, 
In  fair  Damascus — e'en  retreat 

Your  perseverance  did  not  check  1 

Like  hunted  hare  I  doubled,  yet 
I  could  not  peace  or  freedom  get, 
By  Tiber,  Arno,  Rhone  we  met, 

By  Guadalquivir  and  by  Rhine  1 
O'er  Pyrennes  you  will  pursue, 
On  Auvergne  heights  the  tryst  renew ! 
Am  I  indeed  a  wandering  Jew 

With  never  haven  to  call  mine  ? 

0 !  lady  1    Weary,  weak  and  worn, 
Must  I  for  ever,  travel-torn, 
Encounter  you  from  morn  to  morn, 

In  palace,  hoveL  temple,  minster? 
Your  lineaments  I  know  too  well, 
(Your  garb  I  would  not  dare  to  tell,) 
In  pity  break  this  fearsome  spell, 

Meet  me  no  more,  Progressive  Spinster ! 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Monday  night, 
August  10. — Back  after  a  few  days'  cruise 
over  summer  seas  all  the  way  to  Skye. 
Find  Government  in  parlous  state.  Have 
been  wounded  in  house  of  a  friend — House 
of  Lords  to  wit.  LONDONDERRY  leading 
revolt  on  Irish  Land  Bill  has  carried  series 
of  amendments  hopelessly  fought  in  divi- 
sion lobby  by  strongest  Ministry  of 
modern  times. 

"  There 's  something  uncanny  about 
thia  TOBY,"  said  PRINCE  ARTHUR,  regard- 
ing me  with  unwonted  gravity.  "  It  may 
be  mere  coincidence.  It's  certainly  odd 
that  whenever  you  go  to  sea  the  Govern- 
ment of  the  day  also  find  themselves  there. 
A  little  more  than  a  year  ago  you  went 
to  Kiel  with  Mr.  G.,  leaving  ROSEBERY 
and  HARCOURT  with  arms  affectionately 
intertwined,  apparently  impregnably  sup- 
porting Government.  You  came  back  just 
in  time  to  hear  SQUIRE  OF  MALWOOD  an- 
nounce resignation  of  Ministry,  and  trans- 


The  Passing  of  Pat. 
(Midnight  in  the  Central  Lobby.) 


was   left    of    it.     Just 
whilst     other     ghosts 


terence  of  seals  of  office  to  my  uncle,  the 
MARKISS.  Now  you  go  off  again  under  flag 
of  Lord  High  Admiral  DON  CURRIE  ;  at 
departure  everything  looked  square  for 
matter-of-fact  winding  up  of  Session ; 
when  Dunvegan  Castle  moors  off  Graves- 
end  on  her  return  you  hear  that  Govern- 
ment has  been  defeated  again  and  again ; 
Ministerial  crisis  imminent.  Don't  grudge 
you  an  occasional  breath  of  the  briny. 
But  I  should  be  particularly  obliged  if 
you  would  reserve  your  excursions  for 
period  when  the  other  side  is  in." 

Crisis  still  on.  LONDONDERRY  breath- 
ing sound  and  fury,  which  may  (or  may 
not)  signify  nothing.  Meanwhile,  the 
poor  battered  Irish  Land  Bill  has  come 
back  to  the  Commons  limp,  dishevelled, 
with  nearly  every  bone  in  its  body  broken. 
To-night,  Lords  read  a  third  time  what 
before  midnight, 
in  neighbouring 

churchyards  were  preparing  to  stroll 
forth,  the  wraith  of  the  once  lusty  Land 
Bi!l  was  brought  across  the  Central  Hall 
to  the  Commons,  the  marble  statues  of 
dead  statesmen,  who  in  their  time  had 
wrestled  with  the  Irish  question,  looking 
sadly  on. 

Reminds  SARK  of  the  climax  of  the 
varied  life  of  Mignon,  whose  story 
GOETHE  tells  in  Wilhelm  Meister's  Ap- 
prenticeship. There  is  one  scene  in  the 
love-story  that  might  be  written  for  this 
eipsode  of  the  night. 

"  TJnd  Marmorbilder  stehn  und  sehn  mich  an. 
"Was  hat  man  dir,  du  armes  Kind,  gethan." 

SARK,  dropping  into  poetry,  roughly  trans- 
lates : 

And  marble  forms  look  down  and  whisper  pityingly, 
What  ill,  unhappy  child,  hath  man  done  unto  thee. 

Our  Parliamentary  Mignon  cannot  answer 
for  sobbing.  Still  she  trusts  her  Gerald 


Meister.  Will  he  stand  by  her  at  the  last  ? 
and  if  he  cannot  save  her,  will  he  follow 
her? 

We  shall  see. 

Business  done. — Irish  Land  Bill  read  a 
third  time  in  Lords.  Supply  closed  in 
Commons. 

Tuesday.  —  The  wounded  worm  will 
turn  at  last.  So  in  these  closing  days  of 
the  Session  SILOMIO  sits  up  and  snaps. 
Since  House  met  in  February  he  has  had 
uninterruptedly  bad  time.  Undesignedly 
has  filled,  on  the  Parliamentary  stage,  the 
part  of  pantaloon.  Whenever  he  en- 
tered from  the  slips  with  intent  to  defend 
the  Sultan  from  charges  of  iniquity  in 
Armenia  or  cruelty  in  Crete,  GEORGE 
CVRZON  deftly  tripped  him  up.  If  he 
appeared  with  a  brief  for  those  astute 
warriors  the  Reform  Committee  of  Johan- 
nesburg, "JOEY"  in  person  appeared  on 
scene,  and  joyously  fulfilled  his  time- 
honoured  mission  by  banging  poor  pan- 
taloon about  the  head,  prostrating  him, 
amid  ribald  laughter  from  gallery  and  pit. 

That  hard  to  bear  in  weekly,  sometimes 
nightly,  succession.  To-night,  SILOMIO 
in  the  peerage  of  Swaziland,  ELLIS 
ASHMEAD-BARTLETT,  Knight,  in  the 
meaner  compilation  in  the  English 
tongue,  strode  into  lists ;  a  voluminous 
speech  in  hand,  a  rimless  glass  in  eye. 

As  usual,  conspiracy  to  set  him  aside. 
When  he  first  proposed  to  deliver  speech 
on  report  stage  of  Colonial  vote  with  in- 
tent to  batter  in  head  of  Colonial  Secre- 
tary, as  on  historic  occasion  was  "  bat- 
tered in  the  head  of  Mr.  WEARE,"  Cor- 
poral HANBURY  said  time  not  convenient. 
Vote  should  be  taken  by-and-by. 

Ever  seen  gamin  in  street    fix    bit    of 


hand  of  a  young  friend,  and  hold  it  there 
till     the     skin     begins     to    crackle  ?    So 


96 


PUNCH,   OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  22,  1896. 


SILOMIO,  fixing  his  single  eye-glass  before 
inflamed  eye,  turned  it  upon  the  hapless 
HANBURY,  separated  from  him  only  by 
breadth  of  Gangway.  SILOMIO  said  noth- 


Another  score  to  "  Joey  "  !  _, 

ing ;  merely  kept  glass  bearing  direct  on 
nape  of  neck  of  Financial  Secretary  to 
Treasury.  Soon  HANBURY  began  to  move 
uneasily ;  tossed  about  in  evident  pain. 
SILOMIO  steadily  stared.  The  Corporal, 
unable  to  wriggle  out  of  focus,  capitu- 
lated, and  opportunity  for  delivery  of 
speech  provided. 

It  proved  to  be  a  sublime  effort.  Only 
thing  lacking  to  perfect  success  was  an 
audience.  Members  who  flock  in  gleeful 
crowds  to  see  SILOMIO  knocked  down  by 
Colonial  Secretary,  and  kicked  across 
stage  by  Under  Secretary  for  Foreign 
Affairs,  fled  with  one  accord  before  pros- 
pect of  long  speech  from  him.  But  SILO- 
MIO knew  that  at  the  doors  of  the  empty 
chamber  listened  the  nations  of  the  world, 
most  of  them  trembling.  So  he  blustered 
along,  waving  his  arms  aloft,  swinging 
round,  as  on  a  pivot,  so  that  the  multi- 
tudes seated  behind  him  should  share  with 
the  masses  in  front  the  advantage  of 
looking  on  his  face,  flushed  with  indigna- 
tion at  the  sorrows  of  the  Sultan,  his  hair 
dishevelled  with  agony  at  thought  of  in- 
justice wrought  to  "Swaziland,  my  Swazi- 
land." Most  comical  of  all  was  to  see 
SILOMIO  at  close  of  passage  more  than 
usually  infuriated,  pause,  fix  his  eye- 
glass, and  crane  his  neck  to  see  how  DON 
JOSE,  seated  on  the  Treasury  Bench,  liked 
that.  DON  JOSE  bore  up  surprisingly 
well. 

71  Harness  done.  —  Appropriation  Bill 
brought  in. 

Thursday. — In  SARK'S  memory  there 
lingers  echo  of  a  melancholy  poem 
describing  the  gradual  cutting-off  of  an 
interesting  family.  The  particular  line 
mentions  that — 

The  first  to  go  was  little  JANE. 
For  the  last  ten  days,  with  increasing  vi- 
gour during  present  week,  our  happy 
family  at  Westminster  has  been  dispers- 
ing. Among  the  first  to  go  was  CAP'EN 
TOMMY.  ELLIOTT  LEES  says  natural  im- 
perturbability of  the  CAP'EN  was  disturbed 
on  a  night  some  three  weeks  ago,  when 
be  attemntpd  to  join  in  debate,  and  was 


abnormal 
groceries, 
from  the 
from  the 


greeted  with  howls  from  below  Gangway 
on  his  own  side.  Attempt  to  shut  him 
up  could  not  have  been  more  insistent, 
or  more  fully  organised,  had  it  been  CALD- 
WELL  who  interposed. 

ELLIOTT  LEES  been  down  on  annual 
visit  to  Birkenhead.  In  intervals  of 
soldering  the  affections  of  his  consti- 
tuency by  purchasing  for  home  use  quite 
stocks  of  groceries,  green- 
butchers'  meat,  rare  clarets 
chandler,  choice  Havannahs 
chemist,  and  fine  old  one- 
starred  brandy  from  a  marine  store 
dealer  who  has  been  heard  to  criticise  ac- 
tion of  Unionist  Ministry  during  Session, 
ELLIOTT  has,  in  the  unavoidable  absence 
of  RUDYARD  KIPLING,  put  what  he  be- 
lieves to  be  the  CAP'EN'S  reflections  into 
verse.  Here  is  the  pome  : 

I  goes  into  the  Commons'  House,  to  try  and  raise  a 

cheer, 
The   Government  they  ups  and  says,  "  We  can't 

stand  TOMMY  'ere." 
The  clerks  behind  the  table  larfs  and  giggles  fit  to 

die, 

I  outs  on  to  the  Terrace  then,  and  to  myself  says  I : 
Oh,  it 's  TOMMY  this  and  TOMMY  that,  and  TOMMY 

take  your  hook ; 
But  it 's   "  Thank  you,  Mr.  GIBSON  BOWLES," 

when  talking  suits  our  book. 

When  talking  suits  our  book,  my  boys,  when  talk- 
ing suits  our  book, 
Oh,  it's  "Thank    you,  Mr.   GIBSON  BOWLES," 

whrn  tnlkinj*  suits  our  b->o\-. 


Viscount  H-ly. 
(A  Dream  of  the  Future.) 

I  went  to  take  a  front  bench  seat,  as  solemn  as 

could  be, 
They   gave  a  JESSE  COLLINGS  room,  but  'adn't 

none  for  me ; 
They  sent  me  to  divisions,  with  recruities  raw  to 

walk, 
But  when  HARCOURT  brings  a  Budget  hi,  they  '11 

crowd  to  hear  me  talk. 
Now  it 's  "  TOMMY  up  ?  what  Tommy  rot !  "    It 's 

"  Oh,  divide!  divide!  " 
But  it 's  "  Promising   young   statesman,"    when 

we  're  on  the  other  side. 
When  we  sit  the  other    side,  my  boys,  on  the 

Opposition  side, 
Oh,  it's  "Promising    young    statesman,"  when 

we  're  on  the  other  side. 


Business  done. — Irish  Land  Bill  scraped 
its  way  through  House  of  Lords.  The 
bishops  did  it.  Four  of  them  present. 
If  they  had  gone  against  Bill  on  critical 
division,  it  would  have  been  lost.  Voting 
with  it,  Government  had  majority  of  six. 

Friday. — Prorogation. 


SONG  OP  THE  SCORCHER. 

(After  reading  the  Protests  and  Plans  of  the 
Cyclophobists.) 

I  KNOW  I  'm  a  "  scorcher,"  I  know  I  am 

torcher 
To  buffers  and  miwies  who  're  not  up 

to  date ; 
But  grumpy  old  geesers,  and  wobbly  old 

wheezers, 
Ain't  goin'  to  wipe  me  and  my  wheel 

orf  the  slate. 
I  mean  to  go  spinning  and  'owling   and 

grinning 
At   twelve    mile  an   hour   through    the 

thick  of  the  throng. 
And    shout,     without     stopping,     whilst, 

frightened  and  flopping, 
My  elderly  victims  like  ninepins  are  drop- 
ping,— 

"So   long!" 

The  elderly  bobby,  who 's  stuffy  and  cobby, 
Ain't  got  arf  a  chance  with  a  scorcher 

on  wheels ; 
Old  buffers  may  bellow,   and  young  gals 

turn  yellow, 
But  what  do  I  care  for  their  grunts  or 

their  squeals  ? 
No,    when  they  go  squiffy   I'm   off  in  a 

jiffy, 

The    much-abused    "  scorcher "    is    still 

going  strong. 

And  when  mugs  would  meddle,  I  shout  as 
I  pedal — 

"So  long!" 

Wot  are  these  fine  capers  perposed  by  the 

papers  ? 

These  'ints  about  lassos  and  butterfly- 
nets? 
To  turn  scorcher-catchers  the  old  pewter- 

snatchers 
In  'elmets  must  take  fewer  stodges  and 

wets! 
Wot,    treat   hus   like  bufflers  or   beetles! 

The  scufflers 
In  soft,  silent  shoes,  turn  Red  Injins? 

You  're  wrong ! 

It 's    all   bosh    and   bubble !    I  'm   orf — at 
the  double ! — 
"So  long!" 


A  Sporting    Complaint. 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH, — Has  it  ever  occurred 
to  you  that  in  Leap  year  the  twelfth  of 
August  does  not  occur  till  the  thirteenth 
day  of  the  month  ?  This  is  a  great  griev- 
ance, which  ought  to  be  remedied  by  Act 
of  Parliament  in  the  opinion  of 

Yours  always  readv  for  the  game, 

WILLIAM  WEASEL. 
Gourmets'  Club,   W.,  August  12,  1896. 


A  "  LEPE  "  WORTH  LOOKING  AT  BY 
RACING  YACHTSMEN. — The  buoy  in  the 
Solent. 

NEW  NAME  FOR  A.  ONCE  FAVOURITE 
DISH. — Rabid-pie. 

OBVIOUS. — Mr.  GLADSTONE'S  amiable 
temper  makes  him  a  lenient  judge  of  the 
Sion  of  the  Cross. 


AUGUST  29,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


97 


FANCY-BAZAAR    FORTUNE-TELLING. 


"So  I  'M  TO  MARRY  A  FAIR  LADY,  AND  HAVE  A  CARRIAGE  AND 

PAIR  !  WELL,  I  'VE  JUST  GOT  MARRIED,  BUT  I  HAVEN'T  GOT  A 
CARRIAGE.  WHAT  KIND  OF  A  ONE  DO  YOU  THINK  IT  WILL  BE  ?  A 
BICYCLE  MADE  FOR  Two  ? " 

"PERHAPS  IT  WILL  BE  A  DOUBLE  PERAMBULATOR!" 


BOUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

STRAY  NOTES  ON  WOMEN. 

IN  a  careless  moment,  and  a  thoughtless  mood,  I  seem  to  have 
opened  up  a  mighty  subject  of  pressing  importance  to  thou- 
sands and  thousands  of  my  oppressed  fellow-countrymen.  Little 
did  I  think,  when  I  began  these  stray  notes  a  fortnight  ago, 
that  I  was  either  meeting  a  universal  want,  or  opening  flood- 
gates. Both  these  tasks,  however,  I  seem  to  have  performed. 
As  when  a  military  officer,  snugly  ensconced  in  comfortable 
quarters  on  dry  land,  presses  a  simple,  unassuming  knob,  or 
turns  a  little  switch,  and  immediately,  far  out  at  sea,  a  vast  ex- 
plosion occurs,  the  angry  waters  rise  in  fury  to  an  incalculable 
height,  a  dull  roar  shakes  the  firmament,  and  the  air  grows 
dark  with  the  scattered  fragments  of  some  ancient  ship  duly 
anchored  there  to  test  the  virtues  of  a  new  explosive.  So  I, 
as  it  now  appears,  have  liberated  explosive  forces,  and,  even  as 
I  write,  woman,  universal  woman,  is  being  blown  into  match- 
sticks,  never  again  to  sail  over  life's  ocean  with  her  sails  proudly 
filling  to  the  wind,  and  her  company  of  obedient  men  attending 
her  wants.  I  cannot  follow  the  metaphor  further. 

As  I  say,  I  did  not  undertake  this  business  wittingly ;  but 
few  of  us  ever  know  how  full  of  fate  are  our  most  trivial  actions. 
Letters  have  been  pouring  in  upon  me  from  the  nearer  parts 
of  Europe,  all  hailing  me  as  a  deliverer  from  a  yoke.  In  due 
succession,  mails  will  be  coming  in  from  the  United  States, 
from  the  South  American  Republics,  from  the  mighty  tracts  of 


explored  Australia,  from  India,  from  Lapland,  Kamtchatka, 
Patagonia,  Jamaica,  Labuan, — wherever  Punch,  the  great 
teacher,  makes  his  wisdom  heard — and  the  tenor  of  these  letters, 
as  I  cannot  doubt,  will  accord  ,with  those  I  have  already  re- 
ceived. These  I  have  sorted  out  roughly,  in  my  room,  in  a  kind 
of  order,  and  here  is  a  list  of  them. 

ONE  thousand  four  hundred  and  eighty-six  are  from  "Un- 
fortunate husbands " ;  two  thousand  seven  hundred  and  ten 
letters,  and  five  hundred  and  sixty  post-cards  are  signed,  "  One 
who  sighs  for  liberty."  Nineteen  hundred  "Slaves  who  are 
ready  to  strike  a  blow  "  have  written  imploring  me  to  strike  for 
them .  Three  thousand  bear  some  such  signature  as  "  Down  with 
Woman,  the  arch-enemy,"  while  the  remaining  odd  thousand  or 
so  are  from  "  Determined  bachelors,"  "  Widowers,  and  thankful 
for  it,"  "Once  bit,  twice  shy,"  "A  Mormon  of  experience,"  "A 
moment  of  folly,"  and  three  hundred  "Women  who  sympath- 
ise." I  confess  that  these  three  hundred  have  moved  me  deeply. 
To  appeal  merely  to  men  on  such  a  subject  is  what  a  writer 
might  naturally  expect.  It  is  a  far  more  significant  thing  to 
find  that  there  are  three  hundred  women  sufficiently  large- 
minded  and  disinterested  to  take  a  just  view  of  the  position, 
qualifications  and  characteristics  of  their  own  sex.  If  there  is 
to  be  open  warfare  between  us  and  women,  we  shall  evidently  be 
able  to  count  upon  the  help  of  a  considerable  number  of  "  friend- 
lies  "  in  any  battles  that  we  may  have  to  fight. 


I  THINK  it  best  to  give  a  sample  letter :  — 

"SiR,"  writes  "  A  widower— and  thankful  for  it,"  "I  hail  with 
delight  the  appearance  of  your  '  Stray  Notes  on  Women.'  We 
have  groaned  too  long  in  silence,  and  the  consequence  has  been 
that  nobody  has  cared  to  attend  to  complaints  which  did  not 
reach  their  ears.  I  have  always  felt  that  some  day  a  defender 
would  arise  to  lead  us  to  the  attack,  and  to  prove  that  women 
have  been  masquerading  in  false  feathers,  which  have  really  been 
stripped  from  them  long  pgo,  if  they  only  knew  it,  but  they 
don't,  and  therefore  they  have  gone  on  deceiving  everybody. 
They  never  deceived  me,  and  I  see  they  have  not  deceived  you, 
and  I  am  sure  there  are  plenty  of  others  who  have  seen  through 
them  clearly  enough,  but  who  have  had  to  wait  till  someone 
else  shook  the  scales  off  their  eyes.  You  have  done  this,  and 
we  are  all  deeply  grateful  to  you,  and  trust  you  will  continue 
the  beneficent  labours  which  we  all  hoped  would  have  been 
ended  long  ago.  Women  are  quite  useless  when  they  are  most 
wanted,  and  nothing  can  make  them  believe  that  they  can  do 
without  us,  though  after  marrying  one  wife  I  am  sure  I  never 
intend  to  marry  a  second,  to  say  nothing;  of  a  third  and  a  fourth 
— which  heaven  forbid.  Let  me  hear  if  I  can  assist  you  in  any 
way,  though  I  am  sure  your  task  is  easy  enough,  for  if  you  only 
attack  these  very  formidable  persons  they  get^so  surprised  that 
they  can't  resist  at  all,  except  by  bursting  into  tears,  which 
doesn't  count,  and  nobody  pays  the  least  attention  to  them — 
at  least,  not  in  the  County  Louth,  where  I  live,  and  I  defy  any- 
one to  point  to  a  finer  spot  on  the  whole  globe  though  it  is  in 
Ireland,  which,  to  my  mind,  adds  to  its  beauties,  as  everyone 
agrees,  in  spite  of  other  people's  contradictions  and  im- 
pertinences." 

Next  week  I  hope  to  continue  my  new  crusade. 


ADVICE  FROM  AN  OLD  STAGER. — The  old  adage,  "  Do  not  play 
with  edged  tools,"  received  a  sad  illustration  in  the  case  of  poor 
Mr.  E.  CROZIBR,  late  of  the  Novelty  Theatre.  The  coroner 
hoped  that  in  future  "  edged  weapons  would  not  be  used  in  such 
exciting  scenes  as  this."  To  which  Mr.  Chief  Coroner  PUNCH 
adds,  "  And  never  in  any  scenes  at  all,  exciting  or  unexciting,  as 
a  blunt  property  dagger  blade  that,  on  meeting  with  the  slightest 
resistance,  will  run  back  into  the  hilt,  is  sufficient  for  all 
purposes." 

DR.  NANSEN'S  RETURN. — A  banquet  to  the  eminent  explorer 
was  given  at  Vardo,  when  Dr.  NANSEN  and  his  talented  assist- 
ants were  "  toasted."  "  Toasting  "  must  have  been  just  what  the 
brave  Doctor  required  after  his  Northern  visit.  Of  course,  on 
arriving  in  London,  the  at  present  Defeated  Discoverer  of  the 
Home  of  the  North  Pole  will  have  no  difficulty  in  finding  The 
Metro-pole,  where  a  banquet  is  to  be  given  him. 

WHY  OUGHT  Li  HUNG  CHANG  TO  MAKE  A  MODEL  THEATRICAL 
MANAGER  ? — Because  he  never  gives  any  orders. 


CHANGE  FOR  A  SOVEREIGN.— The  CZAR'S  tour. 


VOL.    CXI. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  29,  1896. 


LATEST    PORTRAIT    OF    THE    G.   O.    M. 

MR.  G.  HAVING  BEEN  MUCH  IMPRESSED  BY  THE  COSTUME  OF  THE  OTHER  VETERAN  STATESMAN,  Li  HUNG  CHANG,  HAS,  IT  IS  8AI1), 
ADOPTED  THE  ORIENTAL  FASHIONS  OF  PlG-TAIL  AND  CHOPSTICKS,  AND  IS  NOW  WRITING  AN  ESSAY  IN  CHINESE  ON  THE  PHILOSOPHY  OF 
CONFUCIUS. 


AUGUST  29,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


99 


THE    MATERNAL    INSTINCT. 


The  Master.  "I'M  SAYIN',  WUMMAN,  HA'E  YE  GOTTEN  THE  TICKETS?" 

The  Mistress.  "  TUTS,  HATJD  YOUR  TONGUE  ABOOT  TICKETS.     LET  ME  COONT  THE  WEANS  !" 


THE  REVIVAL  OF  ROMANCE. 

[On  July  17  a  duel  on  bicycles  took  place  in  Paris.] 

....  BY  this  time  the  sun  was  beginning  to  sink  in  the  west, 
and  shone  with  a  ruddy  glow  upon  the  vast  assembly  of  fair 
women  and  brave  men  assembled  in  the  spacious  grounds  of 
Diddledum  Castle.  The  appearance  of  the  ring  testified  to  the 
severity  of  the  day's  struggles ;  gallant  steeds,  that  had  cara- 
coled with  the  best  at  the  commencement  of  the  tournament, 
now  lay  prone  on  the  ground,  a  pitiable  mass  of  torn  tyres  and 
splintered  spokes,  while  the  leeches  who  were  present  to  tend 
the  wounded  riders  had  long  since  exhausted  their  stock  of 
sticking-plaster,  and  had  now  perforce  to  make  shift  with  post- 
age-stamp paper.  All  day  had  the  lists  been  set,  and  all  day  had 
the  intrepid  Sir  CLAUD  POIOTIEBS  proved  himself  a  champion 
indeed.  Knight  after  knight  had  essayed  to  do  battle  with  him, 
only  quickly  to  be  unbicycled  by  his  lance,  and  to  bite  the 
shameful  dust. 

From  her  seat  in  the  gallery  which  surrounded  the  arena, 
the  young  and  beauteous  Lady  ANGELA  LOLLIPOP  had  sur- 
veyed the  chances  of  the  battle  with  a  more  than  common  inte- 
rest. Well  did  she  know  that,  in  accordance  with  old-estab- 
lished precedent,  her  hand  was  to  be  bestowed  upon  him  who 
should  prove  the  conqueror  at  the  close  of  the  day.  Sir  CLAUD 
POICTIERS  she  cordially  detested.  Where,  oh  where,  was  the 
faithful  ALGERNON  DE  BONCOSUR,  who  had  promised  to  do  battle 
on  her  behalf,  and  for  whom — especially  as  he  was  a  director  of 
five  bicycle  companies— she  felt  the  tenderest  affection  ?  Suddenly 
the  onlookers  gave  a  start  of  excitement  and  surprise,  as  on  their 
ears  fell  the  clear  and  resonant  tones  of  an  approaching  belli 
Another  moment,  and  there  had  ridden  into  the  arena  a  mysteri- 
ous knight,  with  his  face  closely  masked.  Disdaining  to  make 
me  of  his  handles,  he  rode  swiftly  towards  Sir  CLATTD,  brandish- 


ing his  lance  in  one  hand,  and  applying  the  other  with  out- 
stretched fingers  to  his  nose,  with  a  superb  gesture  of  haughty 
defiance.  Lady  ANGELA  recognised  the  rider  by  his  massive 
calves,  and  fainted  on  the  spot.  "  'Tis  ALGERNON  himself  I" 
she  gasped. 

The  herald  gave  tke  signal.  Once  more  resounded  ALGER- 
NON'S bell ;  once  more  Sir  CLAUD'S  squeaker  blared  forth 
a  hoarse  defiance.  With  the  speed  of  lightning  the  high-bred 
bicycles  whirled  towards  each  other,  with  a  resounding  crash 
they  met  in  the  midst  of  the  ring.  Sir  CLAUD  pursued  the 
tactics  which  had  given  him  the  victory  earlier  in  the  day,  by 
aiming  a  furious  stroke  at  his  rival's  head,  but  ALGERNON  ducked 
with  consummate  grace  at  precisely  the  right  moment,  so  that 
Sir  CLAUD  fell  headlong  by  the  violence  of  his  own  blow  and  lay 
prone  on  the  arena.  Even  as  he  fell,  ALGERNON  had  drawn  back 
his  sharp-pointed  lance,  and  plunged  it  twice  with  all  his  might 
into  the  front  tyre  of  the  other's  machine.  A  terrific  explosion 
was  heard,  and  then  the  tyre  crumpled  up,  flabby  and  useless. 
A  prolonged  shout  of  applause  arose  from  the  onlookers. 

"  Hold ! "  spluttered  Sir  CLAUD,  his  mouth  full  of  dust,  "  'tis 
enough — my  tyre  is  punctured  ;  I  can  fight  no  more." 

"  Then,"  said  the  other,  proudly,  "  I  claim  my  lawful  prize — 
the  Lady  ANGELA  I  " 

A  gleam  of  malignant  triumph  flashed  from  Sir  CLAUD'S  eyes 
as  he  rose  with  difficulty  from  the  ground.  "Nay."  he  said; 
"  not  yet,  young  man.  Know  that  I  am  a  Justice  of  the  Peace, 
and  hereby  order  thy  instant  arrest  on  the  charge  of  furious 
riding  I " 

There  was  a  moment  of  awful  silence.  And  then,  before  the 
spectators  could  realise  what  had  happened,  the  Lady  ANGELA 
had  vaulted  lightly  down  into  the  arena,  ALGERNON  had  raised 
her  in  his  arms  and  seated  her  on  his  handle-bar,  he  had 
mounted  and  ridden  off  with  his  lovely  prize,  and  knight,  lady 
and  bicycle  had  become  a  swiftly  vanishing  speck  in  the  distance  1 


100 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  29,  1896. 


He.    '  How  WOULD  YOU  LIKE  TO  OWN  A — ER — A  LITTLE  PUPPY  ? ' 
She.  "On,  MR.  SOFTLY,  THIS  is  so  SUDDEN!" 


ARBORICULTURE. 

THB  other  day,  at  Hawarden,  Mr. 
GLADSTONE  received  and  addressed  the 
members  of  the  English  Arboricultural 
Society.  Mr.  Punch,  as  usual  interested 
and  instructed  by  the  remarks  of  the  en- 
cyclopaedic and  right  honourable  gentle- 
man, at  once  commanded  his  Chief  Bo- 
tanist to  prepare  a  report  on  arboricul- 
ture in  the  Metropolis.  This  official,  as- 
sisted by  the  Deputy  Botanists  on  his 
staff,  has  begun  by  a  careful  study  of  the 
Haymarket,  a  region  hitherto  disregarded 
by  arboriculturists. 

He  has  discovered  in  the  roadway  the 
Arbor  axis,  or  axle-tree,  in  large  numbers. 
It  does  not  attain  the  huge  size  frequently 


seen  in  farm-yards,  but  one  variety,  A .  a. 
omnibusiaceoK,  is  or  large  girth. 

In  the  immediate  vicinity  of  several 
shoemakers  shops  there  are  varieties  of 
the  Arbor  bootii  in  an  excellent  state. 
This  is  not  the  tree  which  produces 
sandal  wood. 

On  the  east  side,  not  far  from  Pall 
Mall,  two  fine  specimens  of  the  Arbor 
Beerbohmii  were  in  a  flourishing  condi- 
tion until  recently.  They  are  now  being 
conveyed  around  the  provinces  for  exhi- 
bition, and  later  on  will  be  taken  to  the 
United  States.  It  is  understood  that 
next  year  these  two  admirable  trees  will 
be  transplanted  to  the  west  side  of  the 
street,  where  it  is  hoped  that  they  will 
continue  t'J  flourish  for  many  years  to 


come.  As  Mr  GLADSTONE  very  truly  re- 
marked, "the  people  of  this  country 
understand  the  ornamental  management 
of  trees  as  well  as  anybody." 


RAILWAY  BALLADS. 

THE  MISSING  SPINSTER. 

YOXT  may  boast  your  great  improvements, 
Your  inventions  and  your  "movements," 
For  those  who  stay  at  home,  and  those 

who  travel ; 

But  arrangements  for  the  latter 
Are  so  complex,  that  the  matter 
Makes  them  dotty  as  a  hatter 
To  unravel. 

There  was  once  an  ancient  lady 
Whom  we  knew  as  Miss  O'GRADY, 

Who  was  asked  to   spend  the  autumn 

down  at  Trew. 
So  in  fear  and  trepidation 
She  sought  out  her  destination, 
And  betook  her  to  th«  station — 
Waterloo. 

She  took  her  little  ticket 
And  she  did  not  fail  to  stick  it 

With  half-a-dozen  coppers  in  her  glove. 
Another  moment  found  her 
With  a  plenty  to  astound  her — 
For  she  d  notice-boards  all  round  her, 
And  above! 

So  she  studied  every  number 
On  those  sign-posts  that  encumber 
All  the  station;    and  she  learned  them 

one  by  one ; 

But  she  found  the  indication 
Of  the  platforms  of  the  station 
Not  much  use  as  information 

When  she  'd  done. 

In  her  shocking  state  of  fluster 
Little  courage  could  she  muster, 

Yet  of  porters  she  accosted  one  or  two ; 
But,  too  shy  to  claim  attention, 
And  too  full  of  apprehension, 
She  could  get  no  one  to  mention 
"Which  for  Trew." 

So  she  trudged  through  every  station — 
"North,"    f  South,"    "Main,"— in    quick 

rotation, 
And    then    she    gave    a    trial    to    the 

"Loop": 

Like  some  hapless  new  Pandora 
She  sat  down  a-gasping  for  a 
Little  hope  to  live  on — or  a 
Plate  o'  soup. 

*  »  »  » 

'Mid  the  bustle  and  the  hissing 
An  old  maiden  lady 's  "  Missing  " — 

In  some  corner  of  the  complicated  maze  ; 
And  round  about  she 's  gliding 
In  unwilling,  hideous  hiding, 
On  the  platform,  loop,  or  siding, 
In  a  craze. 

And  still  they  cannot  find  her, 
For  she  leaves  no  trace  behind  her 
At       Vauxhall,       Clapham       Junction, 

Waterloo ; 

But  she  passes  like  a  comet 
With  the  myst'ry  of  Mahomet — 
Her  course  unknown — and  from  it 
Not  a  clue ! 


FRIENDLY  RIFLES. — In  the  match  be- 
tween Middlesex  and  Sussex  at  Brighton 
last  week,  Mr.  HOPE  (London  Rifle  Bri- 
gade), for  the  Metropolitan  county,  dis- 
tanced all  competitors,  and  left  behind 
him  a  fluttering  tail.  Spes  et  prceterea 
nihil. 


AUGUST  29,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


101 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

MB.  HENRY  FKOWDB  has  issued  from  the  Clarendon  Press,  in 
workmanlike  style  worthy  of  that  institution's  renown,  Mr. 
GLADSTONE'S  Studies  Subsidiary  to  the  Works  of  Bishop  Butler. 
The  volume  is  uniform  with  the  two  that  preceded  it,  containing 
the  works  of  Bishop  BUTLHB,  to  the  editing  of  which  the  veteran 
statesman  devoted  the  greater  part  of  last  year.  Apart  from  their 
intrinsic  value,  these  three  portly  volumes  have  a  rare  personal 


The  Baron  de  B.-W.  and  the  First  Page. 


interest.  In  his  eighty-sixth  year,  at  the  close  of  a  life  of  almost 
tumultuous  labour,  Mr.  GLADSTONE  bethought  him  that  there 
was  something  desirable  to  be  done  for  the  public  good  and 
the  wider  fame  of  Bishop  BUTLER.  In  earlier  editions  the 
"  Analogy  "  runs  on  through  interminable  pages  without  a  break. 
There  are  no  indexes,  few  notes,  and  some  doubt  as  to  accuracy 
of  the  text.  To  supply  these  needs  was  a  task  which,  thoroughly 
done,  would  seem  to  require  youthful  energy  and  prospect  of 
long  life.  Mr.  GLADSTONE  just  sat  down  and  did  it.  As  he  pro- 
ceeded with  his  editorial  work,  thoughts  crowded  upon  him 
which  he  committed  to  paper.  The  notes  grew  in  bulk  till 
they  threatened  to  exceed  the  "Analogy"  in  volume.  In  the 
end,  Mr.  GLADSTONE  determined  to  make  a  volume  of  his  own, 
a  book  ablaze  with  the  light  of  scholarly  research.  For  more 
than  twenty  years  my  Baronite  has  witnessed  Mr.  GLADSTONE'S 
tours  de  force  in  other  fields,  and  protests  that,  in  all  the 
circumstances,  production  of  these  three  volumes  is  the  most 
remarkable. 

The  anonymous  author  of  Mr.  Magnus  (FISHER  UNWIN)  has 
evidently  been  disappointed  with  Mr.  CECIL  RHODES,  as  other 
students  of  phenomenal  developments  of  nature  have  been  dis- 
appointed with  the  Atlantic.  He  "  goes  for "  the  fallen  giant, 
thinly  disguised  under  the  name  that  gives  a  title  to  the  work. 
The  book,  though  spiteful,  is  clever,  offering  a  vivid  and  highly- 
coloured  description  of  the  way  they  live  in  Johannesburg.  Mr. 
BARNATO  is  sketched  with  a  more  friendly  hand  than  is  the  ex- 
Cape  Premier.  There  are  other  portraits,  which  will  doubtless 
be  recognised  by  members  of  the  Reform  Committee,  now  at 
large  and  with  leisure  to  read  a  sprightly  book.  Some  passages, 
notably  those  descriptive  of  a  visit  to  the  mine,  and  the  subse- 
quent accident,  are  written  with  a  graphic  power  that  suggests 
the  author  might  safely  trust  to  his  literary  skill  to  attract 
readers  without  elaborating  personal  skits. 

In  the  latest  Yellow  Book  for  this  quarter  the  art  of  telling 
unfinished  stories  in  a  highly-finished  style  is  carried  well  nigh 
to  perfection  by  Mr.  HENRY  HARLAND  in  his  "  Invisible  Prince," 
and  to  a  less  'degree  by  MENIE  MURIEL  DOWIE,  in  her  "  Idyll  in 
Millinery."  MARIE  CLOTHILDE  BALFOUR  chooses  Zola-like  sub- 
jects ;  not  pleasant  reading.  What  of  the  weird,  unintelligible, 
Blake-like  illustrations  by  J.  HERBERT  McNAiR  ?  Prize-picture- 
puzzles,  which  may  possess  some  attraction  for  those  who  can 
admire  the  trio  of  stark  naked  lunatics  in  the  drawing  by 
LAURENCE  HOUSMAN  (shouldn't  it  be  Mad-House-man  ?) ,  entitled 
"  Barren  Life."  There  is  an  interesting  paper  on  the  "  Sergeant- 
at-law,"  by  Mr.  FRANCIS  WATT.  Among  the  sane  pictures,  that 
of  "Dieppe  Castle,"  by  D.  Y.  CAMERON,  is  effective;  while  the 
two  pictures  of  "  III  Omen  "  and  "  The  Sleeping  Prince,"  are  in 
every  way  hard  to  beat,  even  by  LAURENCE  MAD-HOUSMAN  afore- 
said. On  the  whole,  the  majority  of  "  indolent  reviewers  "  may 
find  some  amusement  in  the  Yellow  Book  issuing  from  the 
Picturesque  Lane.  THE  BARON. 


"MY  ENGAGEMENT." 

THE  following  correspondence  has  overflowed  from  Fleet  Street 
into  Bouverie  Street :  — 

DEAR  MB.  EDITOB, — My  fiance  says  I  'm  engaged  to  him,  and 
I  say  he 's  engaged  to  me — and  that 's  where  the  trouble  is.  It 
makes  all  the  difference  in  the  world,  I  consider.  I  'm  not  going 
to  be  his  chattel  (or  is  it  chattle  ?)  especially  as  I  proposed  to 
him  this  year,  as  it's  leap  year.  So  it's  my  show  this  time — I 
mean  my  engagement,  and  I  don't  exactly  see  where  he  comes 
in,  except  to  be  there,  when  he  'B  wanted.  I  've  always  been 
used  to  naving  my  own  way — that 's  all  I  want,  and  I  really  do 
wish  he  would  once  for  all  understand  that  I  engage  him,  and 
not  the  other  way  round.  It  would  be  so  much  simpler  to  start 
right,  and  not  have  any  words  on  the  matter.  I  am  always  for 
peace,  and  my  nerves  couldn't  stand  any  difference  of  opinion. 
If  he  only  will  just  give  way,  everything  will  be  lovely.  He  is 
quite  a  boy,  and  doesn't  know  what  is  good  for  him,  and  is  not 
used  to  engaging  anyone,  not  even  a  cook  or  a  cabman.  I  am, 
yours  to  command,  MABTINETTA  N.  PECKEB. 

DEAR  SIR, — I  have  been  studying  the  interesting  correspond- 
ence, started  by  Mrs.  ALIMONY  in  your  columns,  and  should  like 
to  put  my  own  case  before  your  readers.  I  was  out  the  other 
day  with  three  lovely  girls  (not  sisters),  up  the  river  I  think  it 
was,  and  well — I  somehow  got  mixed  up  coming  home  in  the 
twilight,  and  became  engaged  to  one  of  them,  but  I  can't  for  the 
life  of  me  remember  which.  It  was  getting  dark  at  the  time, 
and  I  don't  think  I  should  recognise  her  again,  and  I  forgot  to 
give  her  my  address.  I  do  not  want  to  go  to  the  wrong  house, 
and  be  interviewed  by  the  wrong  father.  So  what  am  I  to  do  r 
I  am  sure  I  care  very  much  for  the  girl,  if  I  could  only  identify 
her  properly.  I  don't  wish  to  lose  her,  whichever  it  was;  but 
I  was  always  careless  in  these  matters.  Can  one  be  sued  for 
absence  of  mind?  Yours  barmily,  CRUMPET. 

DEAR  MB.  EDITOR, — Sir,  I  am  not  exactly  engaged,  but  at  the 
present  moment  am  quite  free  to  become  so.  I  am  looking  for 
a  young  lady,  who  must  be  beautiful,  of  good  birth,  domesti- 
cated, smart,  musical,  artistic,  a  good  dancer,  horsewoman, 
swimmer,  skater,  and  tennis-player,  good  tempered,  able  to  con- 
verse in  six  languages,  and  having  a  thousand  a  year  of  her  own. 
Or  I  will  commute  all  these  qualifications  for  an  income  of 
£3,750  per  annum.  I  have  a  Loving  Heart  to  give  in  exchange, 
and  the  young  kdy  may  rely  on  my  not  wanting  to  break  off 
the  engagement.  What  offers  ?  FAIR  's  FAIR. 

SIR, — I  am  delighted  to  announce  to  you  the  happy  achieve- 
ment of  our  golden  engagement.  I  met  my  fiancee  in  the 
month  of  August,  1846,  and  fell  madly  in  love  with  her  on  the 
spot  (like  Homocea).  I  hadn't  a  penny  then,  and  I  haven't 
now,  but  we  plighted  our  troth  at  first  sight,  and  have  been  in 


Darby  and  Joan. 

the  same  plight  ever  since.  We  are  DARBY  and  JOAN,  quite 
contented,  and  we  never  have  any  rows  or  misunderstandings. 
Yours  ecstatically,  SEPTUAGENARIAN. 

P.S.— I  haven't  seen  her  for  the  last  fifty  years,  but  I  have  an 
early  daguerreotype  which  I  tenderly  fondle.  I  am  afraid  to 
meet  her  now,  for  fear  of  disillusionment. 


FROM  OUB  OWN  IRREPRESSIBLE  JOKER  (once  more  in  durance 
vile). — "Scotland  is  generally  known  as  the  Land  of  Cakes. 
Judging  from  the  sharp,  snappish  replies  made  to  me  (when  I 
was  at  my  very  politest)  by  the  smart  girls  I  met  at  Portobello, 
it  ought  to  be  called  the  Country  of  Tart'uns." 

CHIPS  THAT  PASS  IN  THE  NIGHT. — Counters  at  the — (what  shall 
we  call  it  ?) — Pokerbac  Club. 


102 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  29,  1896. 


THE    ROLLING    OF    THE    LOG. 

Very  Minor  Poet.  "  THE  CRITICS,  INDEED!     POOH!   WHY,  THERE'S  ONLY  ONE  ENGLISH  CRITIC  LIVING,  WHO'S  WORTHY  OF  THE 

NAME — AND    THAT  '»    YOUNG   OLIVER   QUILPSON,    WHOSE   LITERARY  STYLE   IS  AS  FAULTLESS  AS  HIS    LITERARY    JUDGMENT   IS   INFALLIBLE  ! 

HE  's  A  HEAVSNBORN  Osmvs,  AND  I  'VE  SAID  AS  MUCH  IN  AN  ARTICLE  I  'VE  WRITTEN  ABOUT  HIM  IN  THIS  WEEK'S  GADFLY  !  " 

An  Admirer  of  the  Sard's.  "  OLIVER  QUILPSON  ?    LET  ME  SEE;  ISN'T  THAT  THE  MAN  WHO  SAID  IN  LAST  WEEK'S  HAPPY  KNACKER 

THAT  YOU  WERE   MILES  ABOVE  TENNYSON,  SHELLEY,  AND  KEAT8  J  AND  THAT  HE,  FOR  ONE,  RANKS  YOU  WITH  MlLTON  AT  MlLTON'S  BEST  !  " 
V.  M.  P.    "A — A — YES,    BY  THE  WAY,    HE   DID  SAY  SOMETHING  OF  THAT  SORT,    I   BELIEVE." 


NANSEN. 
A  DIBDIN  SONG  UP  TO  DATE. 

AIR — "Nancy." 
Jack  Ashore  sings  : — 

You  ask  how  it  comes  that  I  sing  about  NANSEN, 

His  pluck,  and  his  craft,  and  his  crew  ? 
Well,  nearer  that  sly  old  North  Pole  we  're  advancing 

A  deed  JOHNNY  BULL  ought  to  do. 
I  am  much  of  a  mind  with  TKBLAWNEY  and  MILLAIS, 

My  heart  with  glad  triumph  would  spring  ; 
But  to  envy  a  rival  from  Norway  were  silly, 

And  that 's  why  of  NANSEN  I  sing  I 

The  Britons,  and  I  'm  one,  have  roved  the  world  over, 

And  I  should,  in  course,  much  prefer 
The  Pole  were  first  reached  by  some  brave  British  rover ; 

But  envy 's  a  poor  half-bred  cur  I 
So  if  other  crafts  than  true  British  are  Hearing 

The  Pole — why  my  castor  I  '11  fling. 
Within  two  hundred  miles  the  Norwegian's  been  steering, 

So  that 's  why  of  NANSEN  I  sing  I 

Could  our  ships  Northward  Ho,  wind  and  weather  permitting, 

A  hundred  times  go  and  come  back, 
The  ice-world 's  so  wide,  we  might  never  be  hitting 

For  leagues  upon  leagues  the  same  tack. 
The  nations  are  numerous,  various,  clever, 

And  all  to  explore  on  the  wing. 
If  JOHN  BULL  spots  the  Pole  first  I  '11  pipe  on  for  ever ; 

To-day  'tis  of  NANSEN  I  sing  I 

Who  '11  wring  the  last  secret  from  Ultima  Thule  ? 
That 's  yet  to  be  seen,  aye,  and  sung  I 


But  just  as  the  prow  to  the  helm  answers  duly 
We  're  true  to  the  Pole,  old  and  young ; 

Whoever  first  hits  it  high  fame  will  inherit, 
And  fame  to  his  country  will  bring. 

But  to  pluck  and  success  step  by  step  allow  merit, 
And  that 's  why  of  NANSEN  I  sing  1 

THE    THOEN. 

( New  Hawarden  Version. ) 

[Mr.  GLADSTONE,  doing  the  honour  of  his  trees  to  the  Arboricultural  So- 
ciety, said  that  when  Mr.  NISSFIELD,  a  celebrated  landscape  gardener,  once 
advised  the  removal  of  a  great  spreading  thorn  standing  in  front  of  the  Castle 
at  Hawarden,  his  own  attachment  to  that  familiar  thorn  forbade  its  removal.] 

Grand  Old  Woodman  sings : — 
FROM  Hawarden  NESSFIELD  the  removal  requested 

Of  what  its  old  walls  did  adorn. 
"  No,  by  heavens ! "  I  exclaimed,  "  may  I  perish 
If  ever  I  lift  my  old  axe  on  that  thorn." 

No,  by  heavens  I  <fec. 
He  showed  me  the  thorn,  and  implored  me  to  fell  it, 

I  laughed  his  entreaty  to  scorn. 
"  No ! "  I  replied,  "  my  old  home  in  Hawarden 
Shall  never  by  me  lose  its  noble  old  thorn  1 

No,  by  heavens !  let  the  gardenesque  perish 
Ere  ever  I  axe  that  familiar  old  thorn  1 " 


"  A  LITTLE  HERO." — In  response  to  the  lines  (see  No.  for 
August  22)  a.  propos  of  brave  young  LEONARD  STEELE,  aged 
sixteen,  of  14,  Gibbon's  Road,  Stratford,  Mr.  Punch  begs  to 
acknowledge  a  cheque  from  Mr.  "H.  C.  G.,"  and  stamps  from  a 
Nameless  Contributor,  which  have  been  duly  forwarded  to  the 
above  address,  where,  Mr.  Punch  begs  to  suggest,  all  subscrip- 
tions might  be  forwarded  direct. 


PUNCH,    OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.— AUGUST  29,   1896. 


'FAR  FROM  THE   MADDING  CROWD!' 

THE  NORTH  POLE.    "  YOUR  HEALTH,   SUNNY  !    WITH  ALL  THEIR   BOATS,  BALLOONS,  TELESCOPES,  AND 

THINGS,   THEY  AIN'T  FOUND   US  OUT   YET  !  " 

[Dr.  NANSEN'S  expedition  to  the  North  Pole  and  that  of  the  astronomers  to  view  the  total  eclipse  of  the  sun  turned  out  failures.] 
"  It  is  to  be  legietted  that  Dr.  NANSEN  and  his  companions  have  not  reached  the  North  Pole,  but  they  have  made  a  record  which  it  will  be  difficult 
to  beat."— Times,  August  19.  "  We  must  hope  for  better  luck  next  time."— (Sir  Robert  EalFs  Letter  to  the  Times,  August  19. 


AUGUST  29,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


105 


WHERE    IGNORANCE    IS    BLISS,   &c. 


I  SAY,  WHAT'S  THE  EXACT  MEANING  OF  'VOILA'?" 
Brown.  "WELL,  I  SHOULD  TRANSLATE  IT  AS  'BEHOLD,'  OR  'THERE 

YOU  ARE,'   OR   SOMETHING  LIKE  THAT." 

Jones.  "CONFOUND  IT  !    I  'VE  BEEN  USING  IT  FOR  THE  LAST  MONTH 

AND  THINKING   I  *VE  BEEN  SWEARING  IN   FRENCH  !  " 


UP-TO-DATE  INTELLIGENCE— BE  BAYAED. 

DEAR  MB.  PUNCH, — I  am  insatiate  in  my  desire  for  the  latest 
news,  and  buy  papers  literally  from  morning  till  night  on  every 
week  day.  On  Sunday,  however,  my  craving  for  knowledge  has 
to  be  satisfied  with  one  early  supply  of  information.  Among 
other  journals  I  always  take  in  The  People,  and  you  may  imagine 
that  I  opened  my  eyes  when  I  read  in  its  columns  the  following 
paragraphs :  — 

"  Four  bombs  were  exploded  under  a  train  travelling  between  Navajas  and 
lacquey.  Four  Cubans  were  badly  injured,  and  several  sustained  slighter 
injuries. 

The  Chevalier  BAYARD,  after  having  been  mortally  wounded,"  asked  to  be 
taken  from  his  horse  and  placed  at  the  foot  of  a  tree.  "  At  least,"  said  he, 
"  I  may  die  facing  the  enemy." 

Can  it  be  that  the  knight  "  without  fear  or  reproach "  has  re- 
turned to  earth,  and  is  battling  in  Tobacco-land  for  the  oppressed 
islanders,  or  does  the  text  refer  to  some  descendant  of  his  with 
equally  noble  traits,  who  has  died  in  resisting  the  tyrannical 
might  of  Spain  ?  I  have  vainly  sought  in  the  daily  and  weekly 
Press  for  a  solution  of  the  mystery.  I  therefore  turn  to  you, 
Sir,  as  the  last,  but  by  no  means  least,  personage  capable  of 
relieving  my  anxiety.  Itching  for  your  answer,  I  am,  your 
obedient  servant,  CHRISTOPHER  McCENOTAPH. 

P.S. — I  ought,  perhaps,  to  mention  that  the  Spanish  Ambas- 
sador's footman  referred  me  to  the  porter  at  the  American 
Embassy,  who  assured  me  that  his  master  had  gone  to  Norway. 

THE  ASTRONOMERS  WHO  FAILED. — Some  of  the  lucky  ones  were 
favoured  with  a  sight  of  King  Sol's  corona  and  stars  of  various 
orders.  "Only  this  and  nothing  more." 


RECEIVED  IN  LONDON. — Invitation  to  view  "  The  WALKER  Art 
Gallery  "  at  Liverpool  when  we  are  in  London.  O  yes ! — Walker  1 


THE  PENDULUM  OP  WEAI/TH. 

(A  Forecast.) 
CHAPTER  I. — "Nobilitatis  wrttts  stemma." 

IT  was  a  stormy  evening  in  November,  1995.  The  rain  was 
beating  in  stormy  gusts  on  the  old  brown  stone  palace  in 
Fifth  Avenue,  and  there  was  a  continual  drip  from  the  rusted 
coronet  over  the  "  stoop  "  on  to  the  well-worn  marble  steps  below 
the  door,  which  showed  sad  need  of  the  renovating  brush  of  the 
house-painter.  Within,  the  aspect  of  the  mansion  was  not  more 
cheerful.  Want  of  comfort  was  evidently  hand  in  hand  with 
want  of  money.  In  one  of  the  principal  sitting-rooms,  remark- 
able for  the  large  collection  of  pictures  hung  on  the  walls,  and 
for  several  massive  silver  spittoons  of  nineteenth  century  work,  a 
lady  and  gentleman  were  seated  before  a  small  wood  fire.  By  the 
light  of  the  solitary  electro-burner  it  might  have  been  perceived 
that  both  were  of  mature  years,  and  that  each  possessed  that 
aristocratic  bearing,  which  is  the  heirloom  of  ancient  lineage. 
Yet  it  was  evident  that  they  were  not  in  affluent  circumstances. 
The  divided  skirt  of  the  dame,  though  scrupulously  neat,  had 
certainly  seen  better  days,  her  silken  hose  were  not  innocent 
of  darns,  and  the  Brussels  lace  of  her  spotless  white  vest  had 
evidently  been  mended  more  than  once,  while  her  black  velvet 
jacket  had  on  it  a  distinct  touch  of  old-time  rust.  Still  her 
plentiful  white  locks  were  arranged  in  the  latest  fashion,  that 
of  the  pyramid,  and  though  the  long,  taper  fingers  with  which 
she  rolled  a  cigarette  were  unadorned  with  jewelled  rings, 
yet  they  were  as  perfectly  shaped  as  the  toes  of  that  legendary 
Trilby,  whose  fame  has  been  handed  down  to  us  from  the  last 
century.  The  gentleman's  suit  of  Tartan  broadcloth  was  none 
of  the  freshest  either  in  cut  or  material,  and  the  woollen  scarf 
girt  around  his  neck  was  clearly  worn  for  warmth  rather  than 
effect.  Nevertheless,  his  thick  grey  moustache  was  heavily 
waxed,  and  his  broad  chest  was  crossed  with  the  somewhat 
taded  tricolour  riband  of  the  proudest  order  of  American  Chivalry 
— the  Everlasting  Eagle.  He  was  smoking  some  very  pungent 
tobacco  from  a  long  clay  pipe,  and  ever  and  anon  he  slaked  his 
thirst  from  a  beaker  of  lager  beer  standing  by  his  side.  From 
the  working  of  the  muscles  of  his  rubicund  face  it  was  apparent 
that  he  was  violently  moved  .by  his  thoughts.  Presently  the 
lady  broke  silence  and  observed,  "  So  the  Emperor  will  do 
nothing  ?  " 

"  Absolutely  nothing,"  replied  her  companion,  with  a  sigh. 
"  He  has  forgotten  the  days  when  it  was  a  question  whether  an 
O'FLAHERTY  or  a  VANPERKEN  was  the  better  fitted  to  grasp  the 
sceptre  of  a  rising  young  monarchy.  But  what,"  he  continued, 
bitterly,  "  did  an  American  ever  get  from  an  Irishman  but  in- 
gratitude ?  And  so  I  made  bold  to  tell  the  Prince  of  TAMMANY 
to-day." 

"  You  told  him  so ! "  cried  the  lady,  with  admiration  in  her 
glance.  "That  was  like  a  true  VANPERKEN,  and  as  became  the 
Duke  of  SARATOGA.  I  guess  he  squirmed,  though." 

"You  are  right,"  answered  the  Duke,  draining  his  goblet. 
"  But  no  amount  of  princely  squirming  will  bring  dollars  to  our 
cash-box.  The  pictures  will  have  to  go,  so  I  've  telephoned 
MACLAZARUS  to  come  and  take  the  lot  this  very  evening.  It  can't 
be  helpad,  SUSIE,"  he  added,  tenderly,  as  he  saw  the  teardrops 
glisten  in  her  eyes. 

"It  does  seem  downright  cruel,"  murmured  the  Duchess, 
passing  the  back  of  her  hand  over  her  vision.  "  It 's  woeful," 
she  continued,  "  what  we  of  the  Peerage  are  coming  to  nowa- 


"  That's  so,"  remarked  the  Duke,  filling  his  pipe.  "But  it 
might  have  been  reckoned  on  by  our  forefathers,  who  were  so 
crazy  to  have  their  daughters  married  to  European  titles  that 
they  sent  billions  of  money  across  the  Atlantic.  When  the  Im- 
perial Monarchy  was  established,  what  with  fighting,  filibustering, 
and  free  bribery,  there  was  but  little  real  estate  left  in  Society ; 
and  since  then,  most  of  it's  gone  in  keeping  up  appearances. 
And  the  poorer  we  get,  the  fatter  the  British  Republic  grows. 
There  's  barrels  of  cash  on  that  little  dirt-heap." 

"It's  curious  we  haven't  heard  from  MANHATTAN,"  said  the 
Duchess.  "  He 's  been  over  a  fortnight  in  London,  and  only 
cabled  once." 

"For  a  remittance,"  observed  the  Duke,  drily,  as  he  sent  a 
volume  of  smoke  through  his  nostrils.  "But  there,  he's  been 
well  received  by  PRESIDENT  LABOUCHERE  BURNS,  and  MANHATTAN 
sn't  the  boy  to  waste  his  time  in  inspecting  the  Tower  of  London 
and  the  British  Museum.  You  know  my  intentions.  He  went 
out  as  a  speculation ;  and  if  he 's  failed  as  a  speculation,  I 
reckon  we  've  nothing  else  left  to  speculate  with." 
(To  be  continued.) 


106 


PUNCH,  OE  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


AUGUST  29,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


107 


A  CHINESE  PUZZLE. 

(Extracts  from  the  Note-look  of  an  Illustrious 
Traveller. ) 

HAVE  no  time  to  give  names,  or  sort 
my  jottings,  so  must  leave  things  in  the 
rough  until  I  reach  Pekin. 

I  am  told  that  the  leader  of  the  House 
of  Commons  prefers  golf  to  speeches,  and 
likes  a  spin  on  a  bicycle  better  that  a 
seat  on  the  Treasury  Beneh. 

The  Secretary  of  the  Colonies  is  fond  of 
orchids.  He  could  point  out  a  fit  and 
proper  person  to  fill  the  position  of  Di- 
rector of  the  Government  were  the  post 
vacant. 

The  Leader  of  the  Opposition  in  the 
Lower  House  has  no  opinion  of  ditto  in  the 
Peers,  and  ditto  in  the  Peers  returns  the 
compliment. 

The  English  are  fond  of  tortures,  and 
willingly  self-inflict  them  by  attending 
London  theatres  in  the  off  season. 

The  air  of  Hawarden  produces  circumlo- 
cution. 

One  eminent  statesman  holds  another 
eminent  statesman  exceedingly  cheap. 
And  what  one  holds  all  hold. 

The  best  method  of  being  interviewed 
is  to  question  the  interviewer. 

W^en  a  great  Englishman  passes  away, 
it  is  the  cruel  fashion  of  the  country  to 
cast  at  his  memory  a  stone  statue. 

The  experiences  of  a  railway  guard  are 
far  more  interesting  than  the  autobio- 
graphy of  an  ex-Prime  Minister. 

Orders  are  appreciated  everywhere,  bu' 
manufacturers  like  not  only  stars  and  ri 
bands,  but  entries  on  their  books. 

Some  one  has  called  England  the  great 
loan  land,  and  so  it  may  be  for  the  bene- 
fit of  China. 

Many  trains  arrive  two  hours  late,  so 
without  inconvenience,  they  should  b° 
able  to  start  a  hundred  and  twenty  min- 
utes after  time. 

All  newspapers  are  at  once  infallible  anr1 
contradictory. 

The  inouisitiveness  of  a  Mandarin  need 
have  no  bounds  so  long  as  a  Chinaman  i« 
regarded  as  a  curiosity. 

Mo«t  British  statesmen  are  mere  lads. 

And  last,  and  most  extraordinary  of  all. 
no  one  can  tell  the  true  age  of  an  Eng- 
lish lady. 

"  My  Engagement." 

DEAR  SIR, — Seeing  that  this  question  i<^ 
now  exercising  the  public  mind,  I  beg  to 
give  my  own  experiences.  I  was  engaged 
by  Mr.  LEAR  FITZHAMLET  for  a  provincial 
tour.  We  played  to  bad  business  for  r 
week  in  the  Immortal  Bard's  tragedies, 
and  then  Mr.  F.  disappeared.  This  ex- 
perience so  disgusted  me  that  I  have 
never  attempted  a  repetition  of  things 
theatrical,  but  am  now  in  a  shop  where 
the  ghost  always  walks.  I  am  the  wraith. 
Your  obedient  servant, 

HORATIO  HOBBS. 

Tight  Street,  Hammersmith. 

In  East  Dorsetshire. 

Cyclist  (to  Native) .  How  many  miles  am 
I  from  Wimborne  ? 

Native.  I  dunno. 

Cyclist.  Am  I  near  Blandford? 

Native.  I  dunno. 

Cyclist  (angrily).  Then  what  do  you 
know? 

Native.  I  dunno. 

[Cyclist  speeds  to  No  Man's  Land 
in  the  New  Forest. 


First  Convivial.   '"Sn  TWO  O'CLOCK  !    WHA  'LL  ER  MISSHUS  SHAY?" 
Second  Convivial.  "  THASH  ALLRI'  !    SHAY  YOU  BIN  wi'  ME — (hie) !" 


YE  YACHTING  MEN  OF  ENGLAND. 

(A  Naval  Ode,  after  Campbell.) 

YE  yachtsmen  of  old  England, 

Upon  our  native  seas 
Britannia  ruled,  for  several  years, 

The  waves — our  waves — with  ease. 
But  ye  must  launch  a  yacht  again 

To  match  another  foe, 
If  you  'd  keep  on  the  deep 

Our  flag  from  falling  low ; 
Where  the  battle  rages  hard  and  long, 

And  abroad  the  prizes  go. 

The  Meteor  flag — of  Germany — 

Doth  now  "terrific  burn," 
When  will  the  foreign  foe  depart. 

And  that  long-lost  "  Cup  "  return  ? 
Pill  then  ye  Teuton  prize-winners, 

Our  song  and  feast  must  flow 
To  the  fame  of  your  name 

(Though    we    built    your    yacht,    you 

know) 
Till  we  win  the  yachting  crown  once  more, 

And  the  Meteor  flag  hangs  low! 


Humbug  at  Homburg. 

Little  American  Girl.  Mumma,  why  do 
you  drink  so  many  glasses  of  this  nasty 
water  ? 

Mumma.  Hush,  VIRGINIA,  here  comes 
the  Pr-nce  of  W-L-S! 


LONDON  IN  AUGUST. 

(By  the  Last  Man  left  in  Town.) 

REALLY  it  is  a  mistake  to  imagine  that 
the  mighty  Metropolis  is  uninteresting 
when  deserted  by  most  of  its  inhabitants. 
Of  course,  Rotten  Row  is  not  quite  itself 
without  horses ;  still,  there  are  trees,  and 
now  and  again  a  watering-cart.  True, 
Bond  Street  looks  a  little  bare  without 
pretty  frocks  and  prettier  faces ;  still, 
there  are  omnibuses.  And  again,  how  de- 
lightful it  is  to  be  able  to  wear  a  straw 
hat  without  attracting  attention  in  Pic- 
cadilly. And  it  is  quite  jolly  to  know  that, 
as  scarcely  a  theatre  is  open,  there  is  no 
necessity  to  spoil  one's  dinner  by  haying 
to  rush  off  early  to  the  play.  Then,  it  is 
quite  an  experience  to  be  an  honorary 
member  of  some  one  else's  club,  because 
your  own  Co-operative  Palace  is  closed 
for  the  annual  cleaning.  In  fact,  London 
just  now  is  simply  delightful. 

For  all  that,  an  invitation  to  join  a 
shooting  party  on  the  moors  will  not  be 
rejected.  

FROM  A  TRAVELLING  CORRESPONDENT. 
— "The  next  time  that  Mr.  BLACKMORE 
wants  to  depict  brigandage  au  naturel  let 
him  pitch  his  tent  amid  the  dunes  of  Os- 
tend.  A  forlorner  aspect  I  do  not  know." 


108 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  29,  1896. 


CONSTERNATION  OF  THE  FASHION  -  PLATE 
YOUNG  PERSON  ON  HEARING  THAT  THE  SIZE 
OF  THE  WAIST  IS  TO  BE  INCREASED  ! 

["  Wo  are   seriously  asked   to   believe   that  the 

Paris  couturieret  have  issued  a  fiat  against  wasp 

waists,  iind  that  the  proportions  of  the  Venus  ol 

Milo  will  be  their  model  in  the  immediate  future.'' 

Daily  Telegraph.] 


IL  FAUT  SOUFFRIR  POUR  EIRE    LAIDE. 

["  Tight-lacing  is  coming  in  more  than  ever." 
"  The  Venus  of  Milo  waist  is  to  be  revived." 
Conflicting  rumours  from  the  Fashion  Papers.'] 

Girl  of  the  Period  sings  : — 

'Tis  all  very  well, 

But  how  can  I  tell 
Which  standard  to  take  as  a  pattern  ? 

An  up-to-date  belle 
Doesn't  wish  to  be  dressed  as  a  slattern. 

Some  say,  "  Don't  you  flinch, 

But  be  ready  to  pinch 
Your  waist — like  a  wasp  you  must  force 
it!" 

So  inch  after  inch 
To  sixteen  I  lace  in  my  new  corset. 

But  others  declare 
"Have  room  and  to  spare, 

For  Venus  of  Milo 's  the  fashion — 
You  '11  look  far  more  fair 

With  no  stays  and  not  even  a  sash  on ! " 

So  I  wish  that  I  knew 
Which  mode  to  pursue — 

How  to  follow  them  both  is  a  riddle ! 
Many  inches  and  few, 

They  're  rival  extremes  for  my  middle. 

Well,  if  I  were  wise, 

I  'd  completely  despise 
The  corsetiere  and  her  fiat, 

And  wear  my  own  size, 
That's    Nature's— and    "Art"    I'd    fight 
shy  at! 


NOMENCLATURE.  —  The  professional 
cricketer  who  makes  a  "  duck's  egg " 
ought  surely  to  be  dubbed  a  "quack." 


How   OLD   ARE  You?  —  Ask   Li   HUNG 
CHANG. 


EXCTTRSIONS-AND  ALARMS. 

[See  complaints  in  the  papers  and  reports  of  some 
police  cases.] 

As  you  say,  it  is  just  the  sort  of  day 
to  enjoy  a  trip  down  the  river  to  Mar- 
gate. Hardly  a  ripple  on  the  water,  just 
a  touch  of  north  in  the  air,  and — hullo ! 
is  this  Tilbury  already? 

They  ought  really  to  make  this  landing- 
stage  a  little  bigger.  Do  you  think  there 
will  be  room  for  all  these  people  on  the 
boat? 

They  have  made  room,  anyhow.  Now 
that  we  are  all  on  board,  I  am  quite  con- 
vinced that  there  are  one  or  two  hundred 
in  excess  of  the  proper  number  of  passen- 
gers. 

It  certainly  would  increase  the  pleasure 
of  the  voyage  if  I  could  find  a  seat  any- 
where, or  even  a  spare  bit  of  bulwark  to 
lean  against. 

What 's  that  vessel  coming  up  behind 
at  such  a  rate  ?  A  torpedo-destroyer  P 
Hope  it  doesn't  take  us  for  a  torpedo. 
Looks  as  though  it  would  run  us  down  in 
another  minute.  Why  doesn't  our  cap- 
tain get  out  of  the  way  ? — the  idiot ! 

"  Wants  to  get  in  the  way,"  did  you 
say  ?  "  Because  that  is  a  faster  steamer 
belonging  to  a  rival  line,  and  our  captain 
does  not  intend  to  allow  it  to  pass  us  ?  " 
But,  I  say,  it's  fearfully  dangerous!  'Bu* 
racing  in  streets  bad  enough,  but  a  trifle 
to  this.  Wonder  if  I  could  bribe  Captain 
to  put  me  on  shore  at  Sheerness  ? 

Awful  shave,  that  last !  "  Come  and 
have  some  dinner?"  Couldn't  touch  a 
thing  while  this  is  going  on.  Wish  my 
doctor  could  see  me  now ;  he  ordered  me 
to  avoid  all  excitement  because  of  weak- 
ness of  my  heart!  Here  she  comes  at  us 
aerain !  Missed  us  by  a  yard,  by  George ! 
Why,  this  is  worse  than  a  battle! 

At  Margate  at  last!  Feel  ten  years 
older.  Heart  beating  wildly.  Had  no 
food  for  eight  hours !  Can't  eat  now ! 
"  Excellent  seamanship  on  part  of  our  cap- 
tain to  get  in  first  ?  "  Solely  due  to  the 
Christian  forbearance  of  the  boat  behind 
in  not  ramming  us.  "Captain  ought  to 
have  a  medal?"  Ought  to  have  six 
months,  you  mean.  And  some  lively 
"ickpocket  on  board  has  stolen  my  purse. 
T  find !  "  Not  the  first  time  that  sort  of 
thing  has  happened  on  these  steamers  ?  " 
No,  but  it's  the  last  time  it  will  happen  to 
me  on  them.  What  an  ass  I  was  not  to 
come  down  by  train! 


Reflection  by   an    Unfortunate 
Backer  of  Horses. 

STANDING  beside  my  own  mud-scraper, 
I  whistled  for  the  "  special "  paper. 
"  Winner !  "  the  boy  cried  in  his  glee  ; 
But  "loser"  was  the  doom  for  me. 


THE  IRREPRESSIBLE  JOKER  AGAIN  (ON 
BAIL). — Q.  Where  ought  ducks'  eggs  to  be 
most  readily  found?  A.  At  the  Oval. 
(Bail  estreated.) 

MEM.  FROM  THE  MAYOR'S  SPELLING 
BOOK  OF  THE  COMING  AuTOMOTOR  AGE. — 
The  horse  is  a  noble  creature,  but  very 
useless  to  man. 

AN  INDIVIDUAL  NOT  OFTEN  MET  WITH. — 
The  backer  who  is  never  "smoked." 


GOOD    NEWS    AFTER    THE   LAST   CRICKET 
MATCH. — Rest  for  the  wicket. 


THE  TRAVELLING  CHINEE. 

(By  a  British  Manufacturer,  after  Bret  Harte.. ) 


WELL.  I  wish  to  remark- 
Ana  I  'm  putting  it  plain — 

That  for  keeping  things  dark, 
And  for  making  tricks  vain, 

The  travelling  Chinee  is  peculiar — 
And  I  Ve  tried  all  the  furrineer  strain. 

Li  HUNG  CHANG  is  his  name, 

Though  some  papers  deny, 
In  regard  to  the  same, 

What  that  name  might  imply. 
Be  it  CHONG,  CHANG  or  CHUNG,  TONO  or 
POKER, 

It  don't  make  much  difference — he 's 

fly! 

It  was  August  the  third 

When  he  first  saw  our  skies ; 

And  it  might  be  inferred 
We  had  landed  a  prize, 

And  would  also  land  orders — in  plenty ; 
But  prophecy 's  always  unwise  1 

We  had  each  our  small  game, 

And  Li  HUNG  took  a  hand. 
We  speak  English  :   the  same 

HP,  does  not  understand. 
His  interpreter  does,  and  he  questioned 

Through  him  in  a  way  that  was  grand ! 

As  to  "  wanting  to  know," 
CLENNAM'S  self  was  not  in  it  1 

CHANG'S  questions  would  flow 
Ahout  twenty  per  minute  ; 

And  if  catechisms  the  cake  took, 
I  'm  certain  the  Chinese  would  win  it. 

Our  shops  were  all  stocked 

In  a  way  which  I  grieve 
That  he — silently — mocked, 

With  a  laugh — in  his  sleeve ; 
And  a  Chinaman's  sleeves  are  capacious 

Beyond  what  you  'd  really  believe. 

But  as  to  a  trade 

With  that  Travelling  Chinee- 
Why,  the  most  that  we  made 

Are,  so  far  as  I  see, 
A  sewing  machine  and  a  lawn  tent, 

Which  the  same  were  delivered  him — 
free! 

Ships  and  guns  were  all  nigh, 
Which  he  gazed  on  with  glee, 

But  was  not  moved  to  buy. 
And  I  said,  "  Can  this  be  ? 

I  fear  it  is  not  many  orders 
We  '11  get  from  this  Travelling  Chinee  !' 

Which  is  why  I  remark — 

And  I  put  it  quite  plain — 
That  for  riddles  most  dark, 

And  for  questions  quite  vain, 
The  Travelling  Chinee  is  a  caution, 

But  orders  from  him  do  not  rain  1 


SEPTEMBER  5,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


109 


1 


Village  Boy   (after   interviewing    Etcher  at    work).    "'E  SES   'E 's 

A.-ITCHIS',    BUT  IT   LOOKS  TO   ME  MORE  AS   IF  *E  WOR  A.- SCRATCH  IN'  \  " 


BOUND  ABOUT  READINGS. 

STRAY  NOTES  ON  WOMEN. 

SCHOPENHAUER  has,  if  I  remember  rightly,  some  very  deprecia- 
tory remarks  on  women  in  general.  His  light  and  cheerful 
works  do  not  form  part  of  my  travelling  library,  and  I  am  there- 
fore unable  to  quote  from  them  word  for  word,  which  I  should 
naturally  do  merely  in  order  to  controvert  his  shocking  views. 
So  far  as  my  recollection  serves  me,  however,  he  denies  to 
woman  beauty  of  face,  grace  of  form,  and  intellect,  and  sends 
her  out  into  the  world  stripped  of  every  vestige  of  the  admirable 
qualities  with  which  the  adoration  of  man  has  invested  her 
during  all  the  years  that  have  passed  since  EVE  startled  the 
awaking  ADAM  into  the  first  mariage  de  convenance  of  which 
any  record  has  come  down  to  us. 


I  NEED  not  imitate  the  pessimist  German  by  spreading  any 
accusations  I  may  make  over  so  wide  a  field.  Something  may 
be  conceded  to  women.  They  prepare  shooting  lunches  with 
admirable  care,  and  a  lavish  expenditure  of  jam — an  excellent 
thing  in  woman  and  one  much  appreciated  by  the  wearied 
bringer  down  of  grouse.  They  can  pour  out  tea  at  breakfast, 
and  towards  the  end  of  a  week's  visit,  may  be  counted  upon  to 
remember  that  you  take  or  do  not  take  sugar.  They  can  leave 
cards  on  friends  who  have  left  cards  on  you ;  they  can  easily 
spend  an  hour  on  dressing  or  adorning  themselves,  a  feat  of 
which  few  men  in  these  degenerate  days  are  capable.  They  can 
organise  picnics,  and  actually  take  pleasure  in  them  when  wasps 
are  not  too  numerous.  They  can,  as  young  girls,  manufacture 
a  secret  out  of  nothing,  and  then  talk  it  over  with  other  girls 
in  corners  to  an  accompaniment  of  mysterious  gigglings,  and  to 
the  exclusion  of  rude,  intrusive  boys.  They  can  run  long  hat- 
pins, apparently,  through  the  very  middle  of  their  heads,  with- 
out doing  themselves  the  least  harm,  and  they  can  coax  a  five- 
pound  note,  or  a  bicycle,  or  a  photographic  camera  out  of  an 
indulgent  parent  in  less  time  than  it  takes  a  son  to  obtain  ten 


shillings.     All  this  and  many  other  things  they  can  do — but 
they  cannot  steer  a  pleasure-boat  on  the  Thames. 


AND  here  I  shall  be  met  with  indignant  denials  from  various 
quarters.  One  objector  will  cite  to  me  the  case  of  MILLICENT, 
who  steered  her  brother  to  victory  at  the  Gorehead  Regatta.  I 
remember  her  well.  Her  sleeves  were  tucked  up  above  her 
elbows,  she  wore  a  lovely  pink  sash,  and  as  her  panting  brother 
churned  the  silvery  current  into  foam  with  his  sculls  she  bobbed 
backwards  and  'forwards  in  a  manner  traditionally  associated 
with  coxswains,  and  first  yelled  her  encouragement  to  her 
brother,  and  then  her  defiance  at  ANGELA,  who,  in  a  rival  boat, 
was  steering  her  cousin  over  two  sides  of  innumerable  triangles. 
Yes,  MILLICENT  was  undoubtedly  a  success — but  then  MILLICENT 
is  an  exception.  Then  there  was  NELLIE,  a  sylph-like  figure,  with 
a  straw  hat  perched  jauntily  on  the  top  of  her  fair  locks,  and 
the  prettiest  pair  of  little  brown-leather  shoes  on  her  shapely  feet. 
I  can  see  them  still,  aye,  and  in  imagination  hold  them  as  I 
place  them  one  after  another  carefully  on  the  back-bone  of  the 
boat,  and  help  their  owner  into  her  seat.  NELLIE  steered  a 
racing-boat,  she  ran  into  no  banks,  and  when  the  occasion  re- 
quired, she  shouted  "  Look  ahead "  with  a  vigour  that  cleared 
our  course  as  if  by  magic.  NELLIE  was  a  triumph,  but  she,  too, 
is  an  exception.  I  speak  not  of  MILLICENT  or  NELLIE,  but  of  the 
average  woman  who  goes  on  water  parties.  The  average  woman 
cannot  steer. 

OBSERVE  her  as  she  gets  into  the  boat.  Her  attendant  swains 
are  in  their  places  at  stroke  and  bow ;  another  girl  has  teen 
wedged  into  the  bows.  The  steerer  instals  herself,  and  thus 
addresses  her  crew  as  they  push  off :  — 

"Now,  on  which  side  ought  I  to  sit?  I  think  I  could  see 
better  on  the  right  side.  There,  will  that  do  ?  Oh,  but  if  I  sit 
in  the  middle  I  can't  see  anything.  Ought  I  to  pull  both  strings 
very  hard  like  this?  Why,  they  won't  move  at  all.  But  if  I 
pull  the  left  string  we  go  to  the  left,  and  I  'm  sure  that 's  wrong, 
because  I've  always  heard  that  you  ought  to  pull  the  other 
string.  Well,  never  mind ;  we  're  getting  along  very  nicely, 
and  catching  up  the  other  boat.  Oh,  oh,  there  's  a  boat  coming 
the  other  way — which  side  ought  we  to  go?  They're  rowing 
right  into  us.  Oh,  do  stop.  .  .  .  There,  I  knew  the  silly  man 
would  run  into  us.  He  needn't  have  looked  so  ^angry  about 
getting  a  ridiculous  little  bit  of  wood  broken  ofi^  his  oar.  Why 
didn't  he  look  round  and  watch  where  he  was  going  ?  I  do  love 
this  rocking  about,  don't  you,  Mr.  HARRISON?  Do  try  and 
keep  close  to  the  steam-launch.  What?  It  makes  rowing  so 
uncomfortable  ?  Well,  you  men  are  funny.  ...  I  don't  think 
it  was  my  fault  we  ran  into  the  bank,  for  I  was  pulling  the  left 
string  as  hard  as  I  could.  That  was  the  reason,  was  it?  Of 
course,  I  forgot.  Now  let  me  see  ;  what  ought  you  to  do  when 
you  come  to  a  lock  ?  I  know  you  do  something  with  boat-hooks 
or  whistles.  ALICE,  can  you  whistle?  No?  I  dare  say  it 
doesn't  matter ;  the  man  will  have  to  open  all  the  same.  Why 
did  that  woman  glare  at  me  so  ?  She  needn't  think  it  makes  her 
look  pretty,  because  it  doesn't.  Oh,  do  take  care,  please  do.  Why 
is  all  that  water  pouring  into  the  lock?  There,  I  knew  we 
should  get  crushed.  They  oughtn't  to  be  in  such  a  hurry.  Be- 
sides, it  wouid  be  much  simpler  to  open  both  sets  of^  gates  at 
each  end  together,  and  then  we  could  slip  through  without  all 
this  fuss  and  bother.  No,  thank  you,  Mr.  HARRISON,  I  ^m  not 
a  bit  tired.  I  could  go  on  steering  all  day  in  this  delightful 
weather.  Now,  why  did  we  stick  in  the  bank  that  time  ?  Why, 
I  Ve  dropped  the  string.  Well,  I  suppose  one  can't  always  do 
things  perfectly." 

Said  Khalid's  Lament. 
[Admiral  RAWSON  bombarded  Zanzibar  at  9  A.M.,  August  27.] 

WHAT  was  the  use  of  cannon  ?  what  was  the  use  of  words  ? 

We  could  not  come  to  terms, 
For  RAWSON  was  one  of  the  early  birds 

And  I  was  one  of  the  worms. 


"  My  Engagement." 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH, — This  discussion  hits  me  in  a  vital  and 
financial  matter.  I  have  been  engaged  all  my  life  in  fighting 
the  enemy  known  as  "  The  Writter.  But  still  he  swoops.  Why 
not  make  it  legal  to  shoot  him  on  the  wing?  He  too  often 
swoops  to  conquer,  in  the  opinion  of,  yours  faithfully, 

The  Refuge,  N.W.  OLIVER  OOFLACK. 


110 


PUNCH,     OR     THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI.  [SEPTEMBER  5,  1896. 


MORGlf  ADVANCED 
ID  AW  EXTENT  ON 


TRYING    IT    ON. 

S-lt-n  of  T-rk-y.  "I  WONDER, IF  THEY  WILL  LEND  ME  ANYTHING  ON  THIS  LITTLE  LOT?" 

[Diplomatic  circles  fully  recognise  the  powerful  influence  which  financial  considerations  have  had  in  bringing  his  Majesty  the  SULTAN  to  adopt  towards 

the  Cretans  a  conciliatory  policy. — Daily  Paper.} 


SEPTEMBER  5,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


ill 


Trainer.  "Now  THEN,  LOOK  SHARP,  AND  GET  MOUNTED." 

Crack  Light-weight.  "ALL  RIGHT,  GUV'NOR.     I  'M  JUST  WAITIN'  FOR  MY  VALET  TO  COME  AND  HELP  ME  OFF  WITH  MY  OVERCOAT  !" 


IMPEESSIONS  ON  TOUR. 

(Resulting  from  the  Mania  for  Bold  Advertisement.) 

Abergavenny.  That  fields  are  incomplete  without  a  placard 
of  "  Midnight  Soap." 

Sushey.  That  trees  cannot  get  on  without  a  notice  of  "  Some- 
body's Paste." 

Caterham.  That  hills  are  made  for  an  announcement  concern- 
ing "Sauce." 

Dover.  That  the  sea  cannot  he  noticed  without  an  ajfiche  anent 
"Patent  Glue." 

Haling.  That  the  suburbs  exist  for  the  display  of  "Cat 
Biscuit"  show  bills. 

Farnborough.  That  a  military  camp  must  have  a  poster  of 
the  newest  city  paper,  The  Financial  Farthing. 

Gravesend.  That  travellers  en  route  for  India  must  see  "  Mr. 
Thingamy's  Travelling  Tragedians  from  London." 

Halifax.  That  people  waiting  for  a  train  have  time  to  master 
the  details  of  the  latest  thing  in  "Disaster  Insurance  Com- 
panies." 

Inverness.  That  Bonnie  Scotland  is  the  very  place  to  learn 
the  easiest  and  cheapest  mode  of  "Housing  Furniture  in  East 
Kensington." 

Jar  row.  That  all  who  alight  here  will  be  interested  in  the 
fact  that  "Chose's  Starch  is  the  best  and  cheapest." 

Knebworth.  That  five  minutes  can  be  usefully  employed  in 
reading  the  "  contents  bill "  of  the  North  African  Shareholder. 

Lady  well.  That  millions  will  hail  with  delight  the  assertion 
that  nothing  can  compare  with  "  Blowtrumpet's  Influenza 
Lozenges." 

Manchester.  That  there  are  at  least  thirty  firms  supplying 
"  the  premier  bicycle  of  the  century." 

Norwich.  That  the  enumeration  of  the  qualities  of  "this 
season's  tea,"  supplied  by  Messrs.  So-and-so,  is  more  entertain- 
ing than  the  charms  of  the  oldest  of  cathedrals. 


Oban.  That  yachts  are  not  in  it  with  "  Jams  at  3d.  a  pound." 

Perth.  That  all  who  live  must  learn  to  dye  with  the  aid  of 
advertisements , 

Queensborough.  That  "  De  la  Snobb's  Braces  "  are  of  paramount 
importance. 

Bochester.  That  "The  Pungent  Pickle  is  necessary  to  every 
household." 

Scarborough.  That  life  would  be  a  burden  without  "  The 
Patent  Potato  Peeler." 

UcJcfield.  That  existence  is  useless  unless  brightened  by  "  The 
New  Shaving  by  Electricity." 

Wye.  That  every  want  has  an  appropriate  wherefore. 

Yeovil.  That  the  memory  is  not  to  be  blessed  of  the  man  who 
first  introduced  hoardings,  with  their  accompanying  adornments. 


THE    COXSWAIN'S    "CENTURY." 

[One  of  the  best-known  heroes  on  the  south-east  coast,  JARVISH  ARNOLD, 
for  twenty  years  coxswain  of  the  Kingsdown  lifeboat,  who  has  played  an 
active  part  in  the  saving  of  100  lives  from  shipwreck  on  the  Goodwin  Sands, 
has  just  died.] 

So  Charon's  death-boat  o'er  Death's  stream  at  last 

Ferries  the  life-boat  coxswain  I     Well,  the  past 

To  brave  old  JARVISH  ARNOLD  must  supply 

An  obolus  e'en  Charon  can't  deny. 

The  saviour  of  a  "  century  "  of  lives, 

When  at  Death's  passage  he  at  last  arrives, 

Should  find  the  transit  easier  by  far 

Than  he  who  slays  his  hundreds  in  red  war. 

Better  with  Kingsdown's  coxswain  take  death's  chance, 

Than  with  some  heroes  of  the  sword  and  lance ! 


THOSE  WHO  ARE  NEVER  OUT  OF  SPIRITS. — Licensed  victuallers. 


THE  REAL  READ  DEAR. — A  lady  journalist. 


112 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  5,  1896. 


JOTTINGS    AND    TITTLINGS. 

(BY  BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO  JABBERJEE,  B.A.) 
No.  XXII. 

Mr.  Jabberjee  places  himself  in  the  hands  of  a  solicitor — with  certain 
reservations.   , 

I  CONCLUDED  my  foregoing  instalment,  narrating  my  service  of 
a  writ  for  breaching  a  promise  of  marriage,  with  a  spirited  out- 
burst of  insouciance  and  devilmaycarefulness. 


"  Would_be  greatly  improved  by  the  simple  addition  of  some  knee-caps." 

But  such  courage  of  a  Dutch  evaporated  deplorably  on  closer 
perusal  of  the  said  writ,  which  contained  the  peremptory  man- 
date that  I  was  to  enter  my  appearance  within  the  incredibly 
short  notice  of  eight  days,  or  the  judgment  would  be  given  in 
my  absence ! 

Now  it  was  totally  out  of  the  question  that  I  was  to  prepare 
a  long  complicated  defence,  and  have  the  requisite  witnesses, 
and  also  perfect  myself  in  the  customs  and  etiquettes  of  Common 
Law  Procedure,  all  in  such  a  ridiculously  brief  period ;  and  yet, 
if  I  remained  perdu  with  a  hidden  head,  I  could  not  hope  for 
even  the  minimum  of  justice,  since,  heigh-ho  1  les  absents  ont 
toujours  tort.  So  that  I  shed  blistering  and  scalding  tears  like 


a  spanked  child,  to  find  myself  confronting  such  a  devil  of  a 
deep  sea,  and  my  day  was  dismal  and  my  night  a  nonentity, 
until,  by  a  great  piece  of  potluck,  on  going  up  the  next  morning 
to  the  library  of  my  Inn,  I  espied  my  young  friend  HOWARD  in 
the  compound,  busily  employed  in  a  lawn  tennis  game. 

Having  partially  poured  the  cat  from  my  bag  already  into 
his  sympathetic  and  receptive  bosom,  I  decided  to  confide  to 
him  my  hard  case  in  its  entire  t/,  and  so  made  him  a  secret  sign 
that  I  desired  some  private  confabulations  at  his  earliest  con- 
veniency,  which  he  observing,  after  the  termination  of  the 
match,  came  towards  the  remote  bench  whereon  I  was  forlornly 
moping,  and  sat  down  kindly  by  my  side. 

This  young  ALLBUTT-!NNETI,  I  am  to  mention  here,  had  only 
just  missed  succeeding  in  the  passing  of  Bar  Exam  owing  to  the 
inveterate  malignancy  of  his  stars  and  lack  of  a  more  industrial 
temperament ;  but  from  the  coolness  of  his  cheek,  and  complete 
man-of-the-worldliness,  is  a  most  judicious  and  tip-top  adviser 
to  friends  in  tight  places. 

Experto  crede,  for,  when  he  had  heard  the  latest  particulars  of 
my  shocking  imbroglio,  he  promptly  gave  me  the  excellent  ad- 
vice that  I  was  to  consult  a  solicitor ;  strongly  recommending  a 
Mr.  SIDNEY  SMARTLB,  who  was  a  former  schoolmate  of  his  own, 
and  a  good  thundering  chap,  and  who  (he  thought)  was  not  BO 
overburdened  as  yet  by  legal  business  that  he  could  not  find 
time  for  working  the  oracle  on  my  behalf. 

"  And  look  here,  JAB,"  he  added  (he  has  sometimes  the  extreme 
condescension  to  address  me  as  an  abbreviation),  "  I  '11  trot  you 
up  to  him  at  once — and  I  say,  A  1  .idea  1  tell  him  you  mean  to  be 
your  own  counsel,  and  do  all  the  speechifying  yourself.  Native 
prince,  in  brand-new  wig  and  gown,  defending  himself  single- 
handed  from  wiles  of  artful  adventuress — why,  you  '11  knock  the 
jury  as  if  with  old  boots  I " 

"  Alack,"  said  I,  sorrowfully ;  "  though  I  am  quite  competent 
to  become  the  stump  orator  at  shortest  notice,  I  do  not  see  how 
I  can  enter  my  first  appearance  until  I  have  carefully  instructed 
Misters  RAM  and  JALPANYBHOY  in  the  evidence  they  are  to  give 
and  leave  untold,  &c.f  and  a  week  is  too  scanty  and  fugitive  a 
period  for  such  preparations !  " 

"  Nonsense  and  stuff  1 "  he  replies,  "  you  will  have  a  lot  more 
than  that,  since  the  week  only  applies  to  entering  an  appearance 
— which  is  a  mere  farcical  formality  that  old  SID  can  perform  in 
your  place  on  his  head."  At  which  I  was  greatly  relieved. 

But  on  arrival  at  Mr.  SMABTLE'S  office  in  Chancery  Lane,  we 
were  disappointed  to  be  informed,  by  a  small,  juvenile  clerk,  that 
he  was  absent  at  Wimbledon  on  urgent  professional  affairs,  and 
his  return  was  the  unknown  quantity.  However,  after  waiting 
till  close  upon  the  hour  of  tiffin,  he  unexpectedly  turned  up  in 
a  suit  of  knickerbockers,  carrying  a  long,  narrow  bag  full  of 
metal-headed  rods,  and  although  rather  adolescent  than  senile 
in  physical  appearance  1  was  vastly  impressed  by  the  offhanded 
cocksurety  of  his  manner. 

My  friend  HOWARD  introduced  me,  and  exhibited  my  doleful 
predicament  in  the  shell  of  a  nut,  whereupon  Mr.  SMARTLE 
jauntily  pronounced  it  to  be  the  common  garden  breach  of 
promise,  but  that  we  had  better  all  repair  to  the  First  Avenue 
Hotel  and  lunch,  and  talk  the  affair  over  afterwards. 

Which  we  did  in  the  smoking-room  after  lunch,  with  coffee, 
liqueurs,  and  cigars,  &c.,  for  which  I  had  to  pay,  as  a  Tommy 
Dod,  and  the  odd  man  out  of  pocket. 

Mr.  SMARTLE,  after  listening  attentively  to  my  narrative, 
said  that  I  certainly  seemed  to  him  to  have  let  myself  into  the 
deuced  cavity  of  a  hole  by  so  publicly  proclaiming  my  engage- 
ment, but  that  my  status  as  an  oriental  foreigner,  and  the  fact 
I  had  asserted — viz.,  that  my  promise  was  extorted  from  me  by 
compulsion  and  sheer  physical  funkiness — might  pull  me  through, 
unless  the  plaintiff  were  of  superlative  loveliness  (which,  fortu- 
nately, is  by  no  means  the  case) . 

Hs  added,  that  we  had  better  engage  WITHERINOTON,  Q.C.,  as 
he  was  notoriously  the  Grossest  examiner  at  the  Common  Bar. 

But  to  this  I  opposed  the  sine  qua  non  that  I  am  to  have  the 
sole  control  of  my  case  in  court,  and  reap  the  undivided  kudos, 
assuring  him  that  I  should  be  able  to  cross-examine  all  witnesses 
until  they  could  not  stand  on  one  leg.  From  some  private 
motives  of  his  own,  he  sought  to  overcome  my  determination, 
hinting  that,  as  my  calling  and  election  to  the  Bar  were  not  yet 
an  ancient  nistory,  I  might  not  possess  sufficient  experience  ; 
and  moreover  that,  by  appearing  in  barristerial  garbage,  I  should 
infallibly  forfeit  the  indulgence  shown  by  a  judge  to  ordinary 
litigants ;  to  which  I  responded  by  pointing  out  that  I  was  a 
typical  Indian  in  the  matter  of  legal  sublety  and  ready-made 
wit,  and  that,  if  not  capable  of  conducting  my  own  case,  how, 
then,  could  I  be  fit  to  undertake  a  logomachy  for  any  third 
parties?  finally,  that  it  is  proverbially  unnecessary  to  keep  a 


SEPTEMBER  5,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


113 


dog  when  you  are  equally  proficient  in  the  practice  of  barking 
yourself. 

Whereupon,  silenced  by  my  a  fortiori  and  reductio  ad  ab- 
surdum,  he  gave  way,  saying  that  it  was  my  own  affair,  and, 
anyhow,  there  would  be  plenty  of  time  to  consider  such  a  matter, 
since  the  plaintiff  might  not  choose  to  do  anything  further  till 
after  the  Long  Vacation,  and  we  could  easily  postpone  the  hear- 
ing of  the  action  until  the  Midsummer  of  next  year. 

I,  however,  earnestly  protested  that  I  did  not  wish  so  pro- 
crastinated a  delay,  as  I  desired  to  make  my  forensic  debut  at 
the  earliest  possible  moment,  and  urged  him  to  leave  no  stone 
unturned  to  get  the  job  finished  by  November  at  least,  suggest- 
ing that  if  we  could  ascertain  the  name  and  address  of  the 
judge  who  was  to  try  the  case,  I  might  call  upon  him,  and,  in  a 
private  and  confidential  interview,  ascertain  the  extent  of  his 
disposition  in  my  favour,  and  the  length  of  his  foot. 

To  which  Mr.  SMARTLE  replied  that  he  could  not  recommend 
any  such  tactics,  as  I  should  certainly  ascertain  the  dimensions 
of  the  judicial  foot  in  a  literal  and  painful  manner. 

Now  I  must  conclude  with  a  livelier  piece  of  intelligence :  I 
am  now  in  receipt  of  the  wished-for  invitation  to  visit  the  ALL- 
BUTT-INNBTT  family  at  the  elegant  mansion  (or — to  speak 
Scottishly — "manse")  they  have  hired  for  a  few  weeks  in  the 
savage  and  romantic  mountains  of  Ayrshire,  N.B. 

Mrs.  A.  I.  wrote  that  there  is  no  shooting  attached  to  the 
manse,  but  several  aristocratic  friends  of  theirs  own  moors  in 
the  vicinity,  and  will  inevitably  invite  them  and  their  visitors  to 
sport  with  them,  so  that,  as  she  believed  I  was  the  keen  sports- 
man, I  had  better  bring  my  gun. 

Alack  1  I  am  not  the  happy  possessor  of  any  lethal  weapon, 
but,  having  since  this  invitation  practised  diligently  upon  tin 
moving  beasts,  bottles,  and  eggs  rendered  incredibly  lively  by 
a  jet  of  steam,  I  am  at  last  an  au  fait  with  a  crackshot,  and  no 
end  of  a  Nimrod. 

I  do  not  think  I  shall  purchase  a  gun,  for  there  is  a  young 
English  acquaintance  of  mine  who  is  the  Devil's  Own  Volunteer, 
and  who  will  no  doubt  have  the  good  nature  to  lend  me  his  rifle 
for  a  week  or  two. 

As  to  costume,  my  tailor  assures  me  that  it  is  totally  un- 
necessary to  assume  the  national  raiment  of  a  Scotch,  unless  I 
am  prepared  to  stalk  after  a  stag.  But  why  should  I  be  deterred 
by  any  cowardly  fear  from  pursuing  so  constitutionally  timid  a 
quadruped  ?  I  have  therefore  commissioned  him  to  manufacture 
me  a  petticoat  kilt,  with  a  chequered  tartan,  and  other  acces- 
sories, for  when  we  are  going  to  Rome,  it  is  the  mark  of  polite- 
ness to  dress  in  the  Romish  style. 

The  Caledonian  costume  is  indubitably  becoming ;  but  would, 
I  venture  humbly  to  think,  be  greatly  improved  by  the  simple 
addition  of  some  knee-caps. 

EN     ECOSSE. 

A  Monsieur  Punch. 

DEAR  MISTER, — I  come  of  to  make  a  little  voyage  in  Scotland. 
Ah,  the  beautiful  country  of  Sir  SCOTT,  Sir  WALLACE,  and  Sir 
BURNS  1  I  am  gone  to  render  visit  to  one  of  my  english  friends, 
a  charming  boy — un  charmant  garcon — and  his  wife,  a  lady  very 
instructed  and  very  spiritual,  and  their  childs.  I  adore  them, 
the  dear  little  english  childs,  who  have  the  cheeks  like  some 
roses,  and  the  hairs  like  some  flax,  as  one  says  in  your  country, 
all  buckled — boucles,  how  say  you  ? 

I  go  by  the  train  of  night — in  french  one  says  "  le  sleeping  " — 
to  Edimbourg,  and  then  to  Calendar,  where  I  attend  to  find  a 
coach — in  french  one  says  "un  mail "  or  "un  fourinhand." 
Nom  d'une  pipe,  it  is  one  of  those  ridicule  carriages,  called  in 
french  " un  breach"  and  in  english  a  char-a-banc — that  which 
the  english  pronounce  "  tcherribaingue " — which  attends  us  at 
the  going  out  of  the  station  1  Eh  well,  in  voyage  one  must 
habituate  himself  to  all!  But  a  such  carriage  discovered — 
decouverte — seems  to  me  well  unuseful  in  a  country  where  he 
falls  of  rain  without  cease. 

Before  to  start  I  demand  of  all  the  world  some  renseignements 
on  the  Scottish  climate,  and  all  the  world  responds  me,  "All- 
days  of  the  rain."  By  consequence  I  procure  myself  some  im- 
permeable vestments,  one  mackintoscn  coat,  one  mackintosch 
cape  of  Inverness,  one  mackintosch  covering  of  voyage,  one 
south-western  hat,  some  umbrellas,  some  gaiters,  and  many 
pairs  of  boots  very  thick — not  boots  of  town,  but  veritable 
"  shootings." 

I  arrive  at  Edimbourg  by  a  morning  of  the  most  sads ;  the  sky 
grey,  the  earth  wet,  the  air  humid.  Therefore  I  propose  to  my- 
self to  search  at  Calendar  a  place  at  the  interior,  et  voild — 
and  see  there — the  breach  has  no  interior!  There  is  but  that 


INGRATITUDE. 


Brown.  "WHY  DOESN'T  WALKER  STOP  TO  SPEAK?    THOUGHT  HE 

KNEW   YOU ! " 

Smith.    "USED   TO;    BUT   I   INTRODUCED  HIM  TO  THE   GIRL   HE 
MARRIED.     NEITHER  OF  THEM  RECOGNISES  ME  NOW  ! " 


which  one  calls  a  "  boot,"  and  me,  AUGUSTS,  can  I  to  lie  myself 
there  at  the  middle  of  the  baggages  ?  Ah  no !  Thus  I  am  forced 
to  endorse — endosser — my  impermeable  vestments  and  to  protect 
myself  the  head  by  my  south-western  hat.  Then,  holding  firmly 
the  most  strong  of  my  umbrellas,  I  say  to  the  coacher,  "  He  goes 
to  fall  of  the  rain,  is  it  not  ?  "  He  makes  a  sign  of  head  of  not 
to  comprehend.  Ah,  for  sure,  he  is  Scottish  I  I  indicate  the  sky 
and  my  umbrella,  and  I  say  "Rain?"  and  then  he  comprehends. 
"  Eh  huile,"  he  responds  to  me,  "  ah  canna  se,  mebi  huile  no  he 
meuJd  the  de."  I  write  this  phonetically,  for  I  comprehend 
not  the  Scottish  language.  What  droll  of  conversation!  Him 
comprehends  not  the  english ;  me  I  comprehend  not  the  Scottish. 
But  I  essay  of  new,  "How  many  has  he  of  it  from  here  to 
the  lake?"  C'est  inutile^-it,  is  unuseful.  I  say," Distance ?" 
He  comprehends.  "Mebi  oui  toque  toua  hours,"  says  he; 
"  beutt  yile  no  fache  yoursel,  its  no  se  lang  that  yile  bi  ouishinn 
yoursel  aoua."  Quelle  langue — what  language,  even  to  write 
phonetically  I  I  comprehend  one  sole  word,  "  hours."  Some  hours ! 
Sapristi  !  I  say,  "  Hours  ?  "  He  says  "  Toua  "  all  together,  a 
monosyllable.  Sans  aucune  doute  ca  veut  dire  "  twelve " — 
douze.  Twelve  hours  on  a  breack  in  a  such  climate!  Ah,  no! 
C'est  trop  fort— it,  is  too  strong !  "  Hold,"  I  cry  myself,  "  attend, 
I  descend,  I  go  not ! "  It  is  true  that  I  see  not  how  I  can  to 
descend,  for  I  am  entoure — how  say  you? — of  voyagers.  We 
are  five  on  a  bench,  of  the  most  narrows,  and  me  I  am  at  the 
middle.  And  the  bench  before  us  is  also  complete,  and  we 
touch  him  of  the  knees.  And  my  neighbours  carry  on  the  knees 
all  sorts  of  packets,  umbrellas,  canes,  sacks  of  voyage,  &c.  II 
n'y  a  pas  moyen — he  has  not  there  mean.  And  the  coacher  says 
me  "  Na,  na,  monne,  yile  no  ghitt  doun,  yile  djest  bald  ouar 
yer  sittinn."  Then  he  mounts  to  his  place,  and  we  part  immedi- 
ately. II  va  tomber  de  la  pluie!  Douze  heures!  Mon  Dieu, 
quel  voyage!  Agree,  <fec.,  ATTGTJSTE. 

At  Scarborough. 

'Arriet  (pointing  to  postillions  of  pony-chaises).  Why  do  all 
them  boys  wear  them  jackets  ? 

'Arry.  There 's  a  stoopid  question !  Why,  they  're  all  jockeys 
a-t raining  for  the  Ledger,  of  course. 


114 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  5,  1896. 


rr 


SAVOIR-VIVRE." 


Mamma  (to  George,  who  is  escorting  his  Sister  to  a  Party).   "Now  MIND  YOU  KEEP  AN  EYE  ON  MINNIE." 
George.  "On  —  ER—  WELL  —  YOU  KNOW,  MOTHER,  IT  DOESN'T  DO   FOR  A  FELLOW  TO  BE  ALWAYS  WATCHING  HIS  SISTER. 
CHAPS  DON'T  LIKE  IT,  YOU  KNOW  !  " 


OTHER 


LI  HUNG  CHANG'S  ONE  JOKE. 

THERE  has  been  much  written  in  the  papers  about  two  jokes 
said  to  have  been  made  by  Li  HUNG  CHANG  during  his  visit  to 
Newcastle.  One  was  translated,  the  other  was  not.  Those  who 
heard  both  think  the  one  left  untranslated  was  by  far  the 
funnier.  His  Excellency,  for  his  part,  is  reported  to  have  ex- 
ceedingly enjoyed  both,  laughing  till  his  pig-tail  almost  came  off. 

"  Two  jokes  ?  my  dear  TOBY,"  said  his  Excellency,  when  the 
M.P.  saw  him  off  at  Southampton,  bound  for  New  York. 
"  There  has  been  only  one  joke  connected  with  my  visit  to  your 
country,  but  that  has  been  a  real  good  'un.  Several  times  it  has 
occurred  to  me  when  I  have  been  in  public.  I  have  had  to  say 
some  unconsequential  things,  like  those  two  remarks  at  New- 
castle. Then  Lo  FENG  LUH,  who  has  a  large  mouth,  laughs, 
and  says,  'His  Excellency  has  made  a  joke.'  You  people  look  all 
round  for  it,  under  the  table,  in  corners  of  the  room,  up  on  the 
ceiling,  as  if  it  were  a  fly,  and  I  quietly  enjoy  my  own  laugh." 

"And  what,  Sir,  if  I  may  put  the  question  without  giving 
notice,  is  the  joke  ?  " 

"The  joke,  my  dear  TOBY,  is  that  all  you  outer  barbarians, 
beginning  at  Berlin,  going  on  to  Paris,  swarming  round  me  in 
this  country,  insist  that  I  have  come  here  to  give  big  orders  for 
ironclads,  for  guns,  for  railways,  even  for  sewing-machines.  T 
saw  your  picture  of  me  at  JOHN  BULL'S  counter,  with  Germany, 


France,  and  the  rest  looking  in,  wondering  if  I  was  going  to 
buy  anything  here.  Ha!  ha! — Who  drew  that?  TENNIEL? 
How  old  is  TENNIEL  ?  How  much  a  year  does  he  get  ? — Well, 
when  I  am  taken  to  your  foundries  and  workshops,  and  ship- 
building yards,  with  the  expectation  that  I  will  forthwith  buy 
everything  up,  I  nearly  kill  myself  with  trying  not  to  laugh  in 
your  face.  That  is  why  I  sometimes  go  in  a  corner  of  a  room 
and  for  a  few  minutes  turn  my  back  on  the  company.  That  is 
why  Lo  FENG  LUH,  who  values  his  place  and  his  head,  whenever 
he  sees  me  beginning  to  go  off,  translates  something  to  you  and 
says,  '  His  Excellency  jokes.' 

"  Good-bye,  TOBY.  Excuse  me  running  off,  but  I  feel  a  fit 
of  laughter  coming  on.  Don't  forget  to  come  and  see  us  in 
China.  You're  a  nice  dog.  I'm  so  fond  of  you,  I  could  eat 
you.  Ha!  ha!  Must  tell  that  to  Lo  FENG  LUH.  It'll  do  for 
one  of  '  His  Excellency's  jokes '  when  we  get  to  the  United 
States,  and  they  begin  all  over  again  with  their  big  guns,  their 
ironclads,  their  railways,  and  their  sewing-machines." 

At  Grouselle  Tower,   N.B. 

Invalid  (to  early  returning  sportsman).  What,  back  already! 
Good  bag? 

Sportsman.  Yes!  the  head  keeper,  the  MACWHUSKEY'S  cap, 
and  my  uncle's  favourite  setter.  I  'm  going  South  to-night. 


OQ  H 

S  w 

ft  ft 

^  ft 

^  ^ 


O 

ft  tr1 
H  E 

w  2 
ft  ^ 

*  » 

O   oo 

O       HH 

§< 

cc   ft 

^  E 

O    gr] 

W   [> 

gg 

co   H 
H    ft 


>.  00 

fei  W 

O  W 

82  ^ 

W  ft 

ft  fe; 

^  H 

ft  H 


ft  w 
ft  ft 

h3    H 

si 

H   f> 

ft    g 


h3   tO 
S    I 

3  fb 


ft 


O 


ti 

3   O 

^ 


SEPTEMBER  5,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


117 


"MARIA  WOOD." 

(A  Lament  by  a  City  Man.) 

[The  Morning  states  that  the  famous  barge,  Maria 
Wood,  is  now  lying  in  a  dreadful  condition  off  Isle- 
worth.  She  is  for  sale.] 

ALACK  1  alas !  and  well  a-day, 

Maria  Wood!    Maria  Wood! 
You  once  were  young,  and  trim,  and  gay, 

Maria  Wood!     Maria  Wood! 
But  now  bereft  of  paint  and  gold, 
Unkempt,  forsaken,  lovelorn,  old, 
You  bear  a  placard,  "  To  be  sold  " 

For  fire-wood,  Maria  Wood? 


You  've  had  your  time,  'mid  civic  pomp, 
Maria  Wood!    Maria  Wood! 
You've  borne  with  many  a  river  romp, 
Maria  Wood!    Maria  Wood! 
I  've  danced  the  Lancers  on  your  deck, 
I  Ve  wasted  on  you  many  a  cheque, 
And  now  must  you  become  a  wreck, 

Maria  Wood!    Maria  Wood? 

The   Victory  on  Portsmouth  tide, 

Maria  Wood!    Maria  Wood! 
Is  still  of  ocean  queens  the  pride, 

Maria  Wood!    Maria  Wood! 
And  can  your  claim  less  doubtful  be 
On  us,  who  never  sailed  the  sea, 
But  loved  your  horse-drawn  majesty, 
Maria  Wood!    Maria  Wood? 

Shame  1  that  this  sight  should  e'er  be  seen, 

Maria  Wood!     Maria  Wood! 
Shame !  that  the  world  can  be  so  mean, 
Maria  Wood!    Maria  Wood! 
Up,  up,  ye  cits,  dispel  this  dream  I 
Restore  the  splendours  that  beseem 
The  whilom  mistress  of  the  stream, 

Maria  Wood!    Maria  Wood! 


PICTURESQUE  ADVERTISEMENT. — The  ele- 
gant auctioneering  art  of  fanciful-descrip- 
tive -  advertisement  -  composition  has  not 
yet  departed  from  among  us.  The  genius 
of  JOHN  ROBINS  still  inspires  the  com- 
pounders  of  these  attractive  mixtures.  In 
the  Globe,  and  probably  in  many  other 
favoured  papers,  there  recently  appeared, 
and  no  doubt  frequently  appears,  a  delight- 
ful sample  of  this  style  in  a  small  delicately- 
printed  paragraph,  which  you  do  not  dis- 
cover to  be  an  Advt."  until  you  come  to 
within  three  lines  of  its  last  word,  com- 
mencing, "All  amateurs  of  elegant  and 
worldly  holidays," — where,  at  once,  the  eye 
and  the  action  of  the  brain  are  arrested 
by  the  simple  adjective  "worldly."  You 
expect,  after  this,  a  sermon,  a  goody-goody 
lecture,  or  at  least  some  highly  moral 
advice.  Not  a  bit  of  it.  The  paragraph 
only  announces  the  fact  that  Ostend  is  a 
splendid  watering-place  within  three  hours 


by  boat  of  Dover.  Then  it  gives  a  kind  of 
Monte  Cristo  account  of  the  Kursaal,  of 
the  saloons,  of  the  society,  and  it  finishes 
with  this  magnificent  climax :  — "  All  lan- 
guages are  spoken  as  in  Babel  and  Monte 
Carlo.  Attractions  are  also  identical." 
Now  we  know  what  went  on  in  Babel. 
The  tour  de  force  at  Babel  must  have  been 
a  breaking  of  the  bank,  and  consequent 
dispersion  of  the  gamblers  using  all  sorts 
of  language.  Antiquarian  research  will 
owe  a  great  debt  to  the  compilers  of  this 
paragraph  from  which  we  have  quoted, 
and  which  is,  after  all,  only  an  advertise- 
ment for  a  certain  Tea-grower  in  Ceylon. 


THE  DOOM  OF  DULWICH. 

(By  an  old  Dulwich  Boy  in  Doleful  Dumps.) 

ALAS  for  the  famous  old  inns  1 

Ah  1  progress  is  all  very  well, 
But  one  of  its  shockingest  sins 

Is  ringing  antiquity's  knell. 
The  "  Crown  "  and  the  "  Half  Moon  "  are 
gone, 

And  now  they  the  "  Greyhound  "  attack. 
Ah  me,  for  old  frolic  and  fun 

In  the  days  that  will  never  come  back  1 
Old  Dulwich  is  now  merely  dull, 

Wit  shines  with  a  feebler  and  slacker 

ray. 
The  "  Greyhound "  of  memories  is  full 

Of    the    brave    days    of    DICKENS    and 

THACKERAY. 
Now  the  fine  old-world  flavour  is  fled, 

Old  landmarks  are  gone  and  I  'm  baffled  ; 
New  bricks  are  wherever  I  tread, 

My  feet  stray  in  a  forest  of — scaffold. 
The  Dulwich  I  used  to  adore 

Is  now  grown  almost  out  of  knowledge. 
The  fields  I  once  roved  are  no  more, 

Next,  no  doubt,  they  will  pull  down  the 

College ! 
Fine  gentlemen  now  could  not  meet 

To  settle  disputes — by  a  duel. 
They  might  as  well  try  Regent's  Street 

To  give  one  another  their  gruel. 
A  nice  little  party,  for  bowls, 

Used    to    meet   at    that    white-painted 

wicket. 
But  now  Jerry  Builders,  the  ghouls, 

Have  robbed  us  of  bowls,   quoits,   and 

cricket. 
I  used  here  with  a  rusty  old  gun 

To     pop     round     those     meadows — for 

sparrows ; 
I  used  there  with  a  well-beloved  One 

To  shoot  at  a  target  with  arrows. 
But  archery 's  now  obsolete, 

A  stroll  in  dear  Dulwich  now  sickens  ; 
A  DICKENS  no  more  may  I  meet, 

Though     Dulwich     has     gone     to     the 
Dickens ! 


CALVES  AND  CASH. 

Friend  of  the  Family.  And  your  eldest 
boy,  how  is  he  getting  on  at  school? 

Mater familias.  Well,  he  just  manages 
to  keep  clear  of  being  superannuated, 
which  is  very  satisfactory. 

F.  of  the  F.  (drily).  Very.  Not  good 
at  Greek,  eh? 

M .  Oh,  he  doesn't  learn  Greek.  He  's 
on  the  Modern  Side,  you  know.  He  only 
blew  himself  up  once  last  term — in  the 
laboratory.  And  he 's  made  half  of  a 
working  model  of  a  gas-engine,  in  his 
engineering  set,  he  tells  us. 

F.  of  the  F.  And  his  health  ? 

M.  Capital!  He  keeps  himself  always 
in  training,  you  know — we  allow  him  an 
extra  beefsteak  for  breakfast  every  day — 


and  he  has  the  biggest  calves  and  thighs 
of  any  boy  of  his  age  in  the  school. 

F.  of  the  F.  (doubtfully).  Calves  and 
thighs;  but  will  that  sort  of  thing  be 
much  good  to  him  in  his  future  profession 
— the  Law,  I  think  you  said? 

M.  (calmly).  We  have  given  up  all  idea 
of  the  Law  for  him. 

F.  of  the  F.  Indeed  1  Perhaps  he  has 
a  good  head  for  mathematics,  and  if  so, 
why  should  he  not  be  a  wrangler  ? 

M.  He  can't  understand  the  first  book 
of  Euclid.  But  so  long  as  he  can  add  up 
pounds,  shillings,  and  pence,  and  plenty 
of  them,  that  is  all  that  will  be  required 
of  him  in  the  profession  which  we  have 
selected  for  him. 

F.  of  the  F.  (getting  interested).  Then 
what  is  to  be  his  path  in  life  ? 

M.  Why,  the  cycling  racing  path,  of 
course  1  He  can  follow  the  lead  of  his 


sister.  Listen  to  this  :  "  One  well-known 
wheeler  has  earned  £2,000  in  prizes  alone 
during  the  past  seven  months,  apart  from 
the  heavy  retainer  which  he  receives  from 
the  tyre  and  cycle  manufacturers  whose 
properties  he  uses.  A  leading  professional 
cyclist  has  an  income  of  from  £1,500  to 
£2,000  a  year."  Where  is  the  Law  com- 
pared with  that  ? 

F.  of  the  F.  Nowhere,  of  course.  But 
— er — would  you  call  it  exactly  a  liberal 
profession  ? 

M.  (carelessly).  Oh,  I  believe  the  track 
proprietors  are  liberal  enough — pay  about 
£70  to  you  if  you  win,  and  £50  if  you  lose. 
Our  boy  says  he  "would  much  rather  be 
a  wheel-driver  than  a  quill-driver."  So 
we  're  going  to  let  him. 


alii 


[Wonders,  all  the  way  home,  if  hi$ 
own  son  (at  the  Bar)  will  ever 
make  as  much  in  a  year  as  a  crack 
cyclist  earns  from  one  exhibition. 


An  Eastern  Question.  Answered. 

WHAT  is  the  distinction  between  the  In- 
surgents and  the  Turks? 

The  former  are  the  "Cretans,"  and  the 
latter  the  "  Dis-crete  'uns  "  (in  yielding  to 
the  persuasion  of  the  Powers).  On  the 
same  subject,  and  providing  another 
answer  to  the  same  question,  a  correspon- 
dent, signing  himself  "Plaster  of  Paris," 
writes,  "  Les  premiers  sont  des  Chretiens 
et  les  derniers  sont  des  cretins" 


THE  PORTAL  OF  THB  BRAIN. — Gateshead. 


118 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  5,  1896. 


SELF-EXPLANATORY. 


THE  CRY  OF  THE  CRICKETER. 

(In  a  Pluvial  Autumn.) 

RAIN,  rain,  go  away, 

Come  again  before  next  May  1 

The  driving  shower  and  chilling  raw  gust 

Are  most  inopportune  in  August. 

Rain  has  a  chance  to  reign,  remember, 

Till  early  summer  from  September. 

Why  come  and  spoil  cricket's  last  pages, 

Our  wickets — and  our  averages? 


QUITE  THE  RIGHT  THING  TO  DO,  MY 
BOY  !  " — The  Prince  of  MONACO,  last  week, 
announced  that  he  had  "  discovered  a 
bank"  south  of  the  Azores  Archipelago. 
Of  course  he  at  once  sent  it  off  to  Monte 
Carlo,  where  it  will  be  uncommonly  useful 
— until  it  is  broken. 

SOMETHING  MILITARY. — The  officers  of 
the  Blankshire  Cavalry  possess,  individu- 
ally and  collectively,  more  money  than 
those  of  any  other  regiment  in  her  Ma- 
jesty's service.  If  this  be  so — we  name  no 
names — these  gallant  heroes  ought  to  be 
known  as  "The  Tin  Soldiers." 


SUGGESTION  FOR  CHANGING  THE  TITLE 
or  A  RISING  SEASIDE  RESORT.  —  For 
persons  whom  Providence  has  blessed  with 
affluence  and  corpulence,  Birchington,  on 
the  coast  of  Kent,  has  one  advantage  over 
Broadstairs,  in  possessing  a  Bungalow 
Hotel,  on  whose  wall  is  advertised,  "No 
Stairs."  Now,  as  "  Birchington-on-Sea  " 
is  quite  distinct  from  Birchington-on- 
t'other-side-of-the-Line  (L.  C.  &  D.),  and 
as  it  does  not,  as  yet,  find  its  name 
recorded  in  any  map,  why  should  not  this 
place,  when  there  exists  such  a  paradise 
for  the  portly  as  the  above-mentioned 
hotel,  assume  the  title  of  "  Nostairs," 
which  it  could  easily  do  without  affecting 
the  popularity  of  ancient  and  highly- 
respectable  Broadstairs?  If  there  be  a 
town  council  of  Birchington,  and  if  it  be 
a  "weighty  body,"  surely  a  place  of  No- 
stairs  would  be  an  important  considera- 
tion in  the  eyes  of  such  a  Birchington  Cor- 
poration. N.B. — Never  miss  the  annual 
Roddy  dendron  Show  at  Birchington. 
Boys  admitted  en  bloc. 

AN  ERA  THAT  SOME  OLD  STAGERS  YEARN 
TO  SEE.— .Fin  de  cycle! 


SPORTIVE  .SONGS. 

A  Sportsman  in  the  Highlands  "-emembers  a  last 
>3**  .  year's  incident  of  the  Lak^  of  Como. 

Do  you  forget  the  peerless  night 

We  spent  by  fair  Bellagio's  strand? 
E'en  now  I  feel  the  pure  delight 

Of  holding  tight  your  little  hand, 
Of  hearing  all  your  answers  made 

In  accents  too  divine  to  last, 
Of  knowing  you  were  half  afraid 

To  tell  why  'twas  your  heart  beat  fast  1 

Ah,  me  1  the  scene  comes  back  anew :  — 

The  starry  splendour  of  the  sky, 
The  ripple  of  the  water  blue — 

Yes,  blue  it  was — the  moon  was  high, 
And  silvered  every  tiny  wave 

With  greater  sheen  than  it  was  worth, 
While  lambent  fire  the  oar  would  lave, 

As  Heaven  bent  down  to  kiss  our  Earth. 

Our  boat,  like  some  enchanted  bark, 

When  where  and  how  it  pleased  to  stray. 
Some  call  the  midnight  moments  dark, 

They  shone  for  us  that  yesterday. 
So  on  the  lake's  broad  bosom  rocked, 

Reluctantly  we  steered  for  shore — 
Vour  grandmamma  was  rightly  shocked, 

Your  grandpapa  was  something  more. 

And  so  we  parted,  ne'er  again 

That  vagrant  vigil  to  enjoy. 
Let  dull  Decorum  croon  her  strain, 

She  cannot  make  of  gold  alloy, 
She  cannot  definitely  raze 

The  castles  that  we  founded  then ! 
She  cannot  spoil  the  hymn  of  praise 

That  may  be  sung  by  voiceless  men  I 

A  while,  and  but  a  little  while, 

And  yet  so  long  since  that  adieu. 
Am  I  so  very  versatile? 

Or  is  the  changeful  other — you? 
Be  that  as  may.    Herewith  receive 

Some  tokens  of  my  Northern  "  nous," 
I  send — my  skill  don't  disbelieve — 

A  salmon,  and  three  brace  of  grouse  I 


"LANCERS  FOR  THE  CAPE." — The  Daily 
Tekgraphj  in  its  report  of  the  departure 
of  the  Ninth  Lancers  from  the  docks, 
notes  that  among  the  distinguished  per- 
sonages awaiting  to  receive  them  and  see 
them  off,  were  Major-General  LTJCK  and 
Sir  THOMAS  SUTHERLAND  of  the  "P.  and 
O."  The  gallant  Ninth  did  not  take  Gene- 
ral LUCK  with  them,  though  "Good  luck 
go  with  you  "  was  of  course  the  universal 
send-off  wish.  "  General  Luck  "  does  not 
imply  "  Special  Luck,"  though  that  he  is 
Good  LUCK  cela  va  sans  dire.  But  maybe 
the  Chairman  of  the  "P.  and  O."  wished 
that  this  paticular  LUCK  should  remain 
with  him,  and  so  he  did. 

Awful    Lapsus    Linguee. 

(The  Contributor  is  cashiered.) 

MR.  CONYNGHAM  GREENE  to  Pretoria  goes. 

His  task  of  his  wit  will  make  trial. 
Great  linguist  is  he,  but  we  do  not  suppose 

He  '11  be  vox  et  Pretoria  nihtt ! 


LOST,  MISSING,  AND  WANTED. — The  cus- 
tomary weekly  harangue  of  the  German 
Emperor.  Reporters  please  note. 


A  CRICKETER  WHOSE  FAME  HAS  THIS  SEA- 
SON BEEN  GREATLY  EN-HANTS-ED. — Captain 

WYNYARD. 


APPROPRIATE  NAME  FOR  CERTAIN  CHEAP 
AND  NASTY  WINES. — The  Sink  Ports. 


SEPTEMBER  5,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


119 


HERE  'S  TO  THE  FEMALE  OF  FIFTY  I 

(Sheridan's  Toast  adapted  to  the  Time. ) 

["Mrs.  HardcastU,  in  She  Stoops  to  Conquer, 
asks  a  London  visitor  '  What  is  to  be  the  fashion- 
able age  next  Season ! '  She  learns  that  fifty  is  to 
be  that  halcyon  period."— Daily  News.] 

Modern  Sir  Harry  Bumper  sings : — 

A  PIG  for  the  maiden  of  bashful  fifteen, 
She's  mawkish,  and  silly,  and  shifty. 
Here 's  to  Society's  genuine  queen, 
Here 's  to  the  Woman  of  Fifty  I 
Chorus — Let  the  toast  pass 
To  the  elderly  lass, 

I  '11  warrant  she  '11  prove  an  excuse  for  the 
glass ! 

Here 's  to  the  matron  whose  humour  we 

prize! 
Now,  the  maiden  of  fifteen  has  none. 

Sir! 
She  has  only  a  pout,  and  a  pair  of  doll's 

'  eyes ; 

The  fifty-year  nymph  is  good  fun,  Sir! 
Chorus — Let  the  toast  pass, 

To  the  cheery  old  lass ! 
I  warrant  she  '11  tell  you  a  boy  is  an  ass ! 

Bother  the  maid  with  a  bosom  of  snow, 

Rosy  cheeks,  and  red  lips  like  a  cherry ! 
She  's  dull  as  a  sermon,  she  's  not  in  the 

know, 

And  she  's  shocked  if  you  're  mellow  or 
merry. 
Chorus — Let  the  toast  pass, 

To  the  jubilee  lass ! 
The  Woman  of  Fifty  alone  is  first  class ! 

The    young'uns   are    awkward,    and    silly, 

and  slim, 

A  fifty-year  girl 's  in  full  feather. 
To  Fair,  Fat,  and  Fifty  I  fill  to  the  brim, 
Fifty  knocks  out  fifteen  altogether! 
Chorus — Let  the  toast  pass, 

Drink  the  Old  Lass ! 
I  '11  warrant  fifteen  is  not  worthy  a  glass. 


THE    BISHOP'S    SERMON. 

The  Bishop's    Wife  (to  the    Vicaress,  who  is  getting  drowsy).     "  MAY   I 
SMELLING  SALTS  ? " 

The  Vicaress.  "On  NO,  THANKS!     I  WOULD  MUCH  RATHER  GO  TO  SLEEP 


LEND   YOU   MY 


AT  HOME  AND  ABROAD  IN  LESS  THAN  A  JIFFEY. 

(By  Our  Travelling  Impressionist. ) 

EARLY  to  bed  and  early  to  rise.  Breakfast  at  eight,  in  one's 
own  dear  home  (never  dearer  than  when  the  rates  are  five 
and  sixpence  in  the  pound!),  and  then  away  to  the  Victoria 
terminus  of  the  L.  C.  and  D.  R.  At  nine,  sharp,  starts  the 
capital  express  for  Dover,  reaching  the  favourite  Cinque-port 
shortly  before  eleven.  From  the  comfortable  carriage  to  the 
luxurious  boat,  and  the  coast  of  France  is  reached  as  A.M. 
changes  to  P.M.  Then,  after  a  practical  recognition  of  the 
culinary  attractions  of  the  admirable  buffet  of  the  Hotel  Ter- 
minus, away  to  the  market-place,  and  (with  the  assistance  of  a 
car)  to  the  sea-shore.  The  plage  is  reached — Calais  Plage! 

And  now  you  are  in  front  of  the  sea.  The  sands  are  free  from 
niggers,  brass  bands,  and  other  irritating  distractions.  Ex- 
tending for  about  half  a  mile  is  a  row  of  small  apartments. 
Each  apartment  has  folding  doors,  which  can  be  closed  and 
locked.  And  now  I  am  particularly  attracted  by  an  apart- 
ment which  has  an  awning  in  front  of  the  entrance,  decorated 
with  two  small  tricolour  flags.  In  my  mind  I  christen  this 
war-like  looking  apartment  "The  Citadel."  In  front  of  it  are 
the  regulation  two  little  girls  digging  tne  customary  hole. 

A  gentleman  of  middle  age — say  about  sixty — emerges  from 
the  Citadel,  carrying  in  his  band  a  small  Japanese  kite.  He 
looks  towards  the  sea,  and  then  prepares  to  fly  the  paper  repre- 
sentation of  the  strange  bird  he  clutches.  He  seizes  his  oppor- 
tunity and  throws  the  kite  in  the  air.  The  ascent  is  not  a 
success.  The  strange  bird  plunges  one  way,  then  another,  and 
finally  descends.  The  gentleman  of  middle  age  seeks  advice. 
He  addresses  someone  in  the  Citadel.  His  appeal  is  responded 
to  by  a  French  military  officer  in  full  uniform!  The  General 
(he  can  scarcely  be  less  than  a  General)  has  his  kepi,  his  tunic, 
his  spurs,  and  his  legion  d'honneur!  However,  he  shows  that 
he  is  not  on  duty  by  wearing  his  tunic  unbuttoned  at  the  waist, 
and  smoking.  He  is  enjoying  a  long  German  pipe.  The  General 
gravely  regards  the  wind,  and  offers  a  suggestion.  The  gentle- 
man of  middle  age  (I  take  him  to  be  the  warrior's  brother)  bows 


acquiescence  and  lengthens  the  tail  of  the  kite.  Ah,  the  good 
hour !  The  kite  rises  and  rests  steadily,  supported  by  the  breeze. 
Then  the  string  is  pegged  into  the  sand,  and  the  relatives  supply 
themselves  with  long-handled  spades  and  begin  digging. 

But  what  is  this?  Why,  a  lady  passing  along  has  become 
entangled  in  the  string  of  the  kite.  Thus  disturbed,  the 
strange  bird  (known  better  in  Japan  than  in  Europe)  has 
suddenly  descended.  The  lady  offers  to  the  General  and  his 
brother  a  thousand  apologies.  The  amende  is  courteously  but 
gravely  accepted.  The  warrior  brings  himself  sharply  to  "atten- 
tion "  as  he  gives  a  military  salute.  The  kite  rises  once  more, 
and  the  peg  is  restored  to  its  sandy  bed.  Then  there  is  a  con- 
sultation— a  council  of  war — to  decide  how  in  future  the  peg 
shall  be  protected.  The  General  hits  upon  an  idea.  He  fetches 
from  the  Citadel  a  small  French  flag.  He  places  the  banner  of 
his  country  next  the  peg.  From  that  moment  the  kite  is  under 
the  protection  of  the  drapeau  of  la  belle  France! 

Having  succoured  the  kite,  the  General  and  his  brother 
return  to  their  digging.  Now  comes  a  cessation  of  work  to  watch 
a  veritable  sportsman  walking  along  the  sands  in  search  of  prey. 
The  veritable  sportsman  carries  a  real  gun  and  a  real  game  bag. 
The  latter  looks  as  if  it  had  been  bought  at  a  toy-shop.  On  either 
side  of  the  veritable  sportsman  march  a  boy  and  a  priest.  The 
boy  no  doubt  will,  when  the  important  moment  is  reached,  let 
off  the  gun.  And  if  there  is  an  accident  the  services  of  the 
chaplain  will  be  accepted  with  gratitude. 

Those  who  have  not  apartments  on  the  sea-shore  have  now 
noticed  that  the  shadows  are  becoming  longer.  En  route ! 
Back  by  the  car  "in  the  service  of  the  administration"  to  the 
market-place.  From  thence  to  the  good  steamer  of  the  L.  C. 
and  D.  R.  is  but  a  few  minutes'  walk.  The  Paris  train  arrives, 
the  bell  rings,  and  the  excellent  vessel  backs  out  of  the  harbour. 
En  route!  We  are  at  Dover!  En  route!  We  have  reached 
Victoria.  And  then  in  less  than  a  jiffey  we  are  seated  at  dinner. 
And  while  we  are  eating  in  London  the  happy  families  of  Calais 
Plage  are  no  doubt  locking  up  their  day  apartments  before  the 
sea  and  preparing  to  occupy  the  neighbouring  ^  chalets.  May 
their  night  dreams  be  as  pleasant  as  the  day  reality ! 


120 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  5,  1896. 


THWARTED    AMBITION. 

She.    ' '  YOU   DID  STARTLE   ME  !      I    THOUGHT   YOU   WERE   DEAD  !  " 

He  (a  trifle  bitterly).  "I  DECLARE  YOU  SEEM  QUITE  DISAPPOINTED 
I  'M  NOT  IN  AFRICA  ! " 

Slie  (apologetically).   "No;   I   DON'T   MEAN   THAT.     ONLY — I   DO  so 

WANT   TO   SEE   A    GHOST  !  " 


THE  PENDULUM  OF  WEALTH. 

(A  Forecast.) 
CHAPTER  II. — "  Experto  crede. ' 

THE  Duchess  was  about  to  speak,  when  a  respectful  knock 
sounded  on  the  door,  and  in  response  to  the  Duke's  loud  "  Come 
in,"  an  aged  man  in  the  threadbare  uniform  of  a  major-domo 
entered,  and,  bowing  low,  whispered  in  tremulous  accents :  — 

"Mr.  MACLAZARUS,  your  Grace,  is  here.  He  says,  by  ap- 
pointment." 

"  Quite  right,  PLANTAGE.VET,"  said  the  Duke.  "  Show  him  in. 
Stay,  turn  on  that  other  light." 

"  The  pictures  must  go,  then,"  sighed  the  Duchess.  "  Can't 
you " 

"They  must,  madam,"  broke  in  the  Duke,  sternly.  "Let  us 
have  no  scene  over  the  matter.  Let  this  money-grabber  see 
that  a  VANPERKEN  can  swallow  misfortune  as  easily  as  a  little 
neck  clam." 

The  Duchess  gave  a  little  shiver,  but  managed  to  raise  up  a 
watery  smile  when  Mr.  MACLAZARUS  was  announced.  He  was 
a  well-dressed  gentleman  of  perhaps  forty,  slim  and  fair,  with 
no  trace  of  opulence  in  his  appearance,  except  in  the  matter  of 
his  waistcoat  buttons,  each  one  of  which  was  a  single  black 
pearl  of  great  size.  His  manners  were  most  finished,  and  on 
the  Duchess  putting  forth  her  hand,  he  raised  it  to  his  lips 
with  infinite  respect,  but  forbore  to  touch  the  delicate  white 
skin. 

"  Your  Grace  sees,"  he  observed,  drawing  a  nickel  Water- 
bury  watch  from  his  pocket,  "that  I  am,  as  usual,  punctual." 

"Just  so,"  said  the  Duke,  without  attempting  to  produce  a 
timekeeper.  "  What 's  the  news  ?  " 

"There's  a  considerable  fall  in  stocks,"  replied  Mr.  MAC- 
LAZARUS.  "It  is,  however,  expected  that  Mexicans  will  re- 
cover and " 

"Pooh!"  interrupted  the  Duke,  rather  rudely,  "I  wasn't 
referring  to  your  world,  but  to  mine.  How  are  we  getting  on?" 

Mr.  MACLAZARUS  paused  before  replying  to  the  ducal  query. 
Then  he  said  cautiously,  with  a  compassionate  smile,  "  Badly, 
your  Grace,  very  badly.  The  Earl  of  POTOMAC  is  going  through 
the  Court,  Lord  MASSACHUSETTS  is  selling  his  estates,  Sir  RIP 
VAN  WINKLE  has  lost  a  fortune  over  the  Duke  of  Niagara 
Stakes." 


"  How  dreadful ! "  cried  the  Duchess.  "  And  is  it  true  that 
Lady  CHICAGO  has  eloped  with  Mr.  WEINSCHNITZEL  the  brewer  ?  " 

"  Unfortunately,  it  is,"  replied  Mr.  MACLAZARUS.  "  The  news 
has  caused  a  great  sensation  at  Court.  The  Empress  is  furious, 
and  the  Princess  of  TAMMANY  has  removed  Lady  SYBIL  SPLODGE 
— Lady  CHICAGO'S  sister — from  the  number  of  her  Maids  of 
Honour." 

"  Poor  girl  1 "  said  the  Duchess ;  "  she  is  not  to  blame." 

"  Nonsense !  "  snorted  the  Duke ;  "  she  'd  have  married 
WEINSCHNITZEL  herself  if  she  'd  only  had  half  a  chance.  But 
let 's  to  business,  MAOLAZARUS,  for  I  guess  you  've  other  fixings 
to  look  after." 

"I  have,  your  Grace,"  said  the  financier,  suavely;  "but  at 
present  I  am  at  your  commands.  Let  me  see,"  he  added,  re- 
ferring to  a  notebook,  "  you  desire  to  dispose  of  your  collection 
of  pictures,  including  the  Whistler,  the  Marcus  Stone,  and 
two  so-called  Turners " 

"  How  do  you  mean — the  so-called  Turners  ?  "  broke  in  the 
Duke,  angrily. 

"  I  regret  to  say,"  said  Mr.  MACLAZARUS,  calmly,  "  that  the 
Turners,  the  Millais,  the  Leighton,  the  three  Herkomers,  the 
Dicksee,  and  four  out  of  the  five  Leaders,  are  undoubtedly 
copies." 

Copies!"  echoed  the  Duke,  hotly.  "Do  you  mean  to  tell 
me  that  I  am  proposing  to  sell  you  a  parcel  of  shams  ?  You  'd 
scarcely  have  ventured  to  say  as  much  to  my  grandfather,  the 
first  Duke,  who  lived  in  the  good  old  days  of  smart  shooting. 
I  suppose  he  was  fooled  when  he  laid  out  over  a  million  on  this 
collection  ?  " 

"I  regret  to  say  he  was,"  answered  Mr.  MACLAZARUS,  with 
the  greatest  possible  sang  froid.  "But  I  beg  your  Grace  to 
understand  that  I  do  not  say  all  the  pictures  are  forgeries." 

"  Forgeries  1 "  shouted  the  peer,  rising  from  his  seat  and 
breaking  his  pipe  violently  on  the  table.  "Forgeries!  How 
dare  you  use  such  a  word  to  me  ?  " 

And  he  advanced,  boiling  with  rage,  towards  the  imper- 
turbable dealer.  The  affrighted  Duchess  flung  herself  upon  her 
husband's  neck,  crying,  "0!  JONATHAN,  JONATHAN,  calm 

yourself  1 

(To  be  continued.) 


AT  CODDLETON-ON-SEA, 

[The  British  Medical  Journal  warns  parents  against  allowing  their 
children  to  paddle  in  the  sea.] 

THE  attention  of  parents  cannot  be  too  seriously  drawn  to 
other  dangers  of  the  sea-side.  Take  crabs,  for  instance,  though 
we  don't  advise  the  average  parent  to  take  a  crab  unless  he  is 
used  to  them.  A  little  boy  that  we  know  of  was  bitten  by  a 
crab  on  the  sands,  and  the  effect  of  the  bite,  possibly  aided  by 
a  fall  of  twenty  feet  from  the  pier  on  to  some  rocks,  produced 
/rain  fever!  The  only  safe  plan  is,  not  to  let  children  go  near 
the  sands. 

Bathing  on  a  shingly  beach  is  most  dangerous.  We  have  heard 
of  instances  where  children  have  cut  their  feet  on  the  sharp 
pebbles,  which  might  have  ended  in  blood  poisoning  and  laming 
for  life,  had  not  the  blood  been  in  an  exceptionally  pure  con- 
dition. Such  cases  should  act  as  warnings.  Never  think  of 
bathing  till  all  the  shingle  has  been  cleared  away ! 

Donkey-riding  at  the  sea-side  is  also  very  deleterious.  A  lad 
of  eight,  who  fell  from  a  donkey,  has  been  so  mentally  injured 
that  he  seems  incapable  of  doing  simple  addition  sums,  though 
when  at  school  he  could  do  compound  subtraction.  It  is  true 
that  his  mother  ascribes  the  circumstance  to  the  fact  that 
"  JOHNNT  never  will  do  sums  in  holidays,"  but  we  prefer  to 
believe  that  a  brain-lesion  has  occurred,  which  must  be  serious 
and  may  be  permanent — always  supposing  that  JOHNNY  has  any 
brain  to  be  lesed,  which,  considering  his  mother's  inaccessibility 
to  medical  advice,  is  doubtful. 

It  is  hardly  necessary  to  add  that  the  prudent  parent  will 
rigorously  discourage  such  dangerous  weapons  as  spades, 
buckets,  and  toy  boats.  A  spade  skilfully  used  can  amputate 
a  toe,  the  mainmast  of  a  boat  may  put  put  an  eye,  and  a  baby, 
after  considerable  practice,  might  contrive  to  drown  itself  in  its 
own  bucket.  Don't  let  children  have  any  good  games,  either. 
Games  make  them  hot  and  feverish.  Coddling,  and  coddle- 
liver  oil,,  and  plenty  of  both,  may  make  your  children  somewhat 
fretful,  and  a  little  unbearable  in  small  lodgings,  but  it  will 
preserve  them  from  some  of  the  awful  perils  sketched  above. 

AN  OLD  SONG  (SLIGHTLY  ALTERED)  LIKELY  TO  BE  POPULAR  IN 
EUROPE  THIS  AUTUMN. — "Have  you  seen  the  Czar,  boys,  have 
you  seen  the  Czar  ?  " 


SEPTEMBER  12,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


121 


SUCCESS    HAS    A    SOFTENING    EFFECT. 


Bavius  (who  has  at  last  achieved  quite  a  decent  literary  position).   ' '  Do 

YOU  KNOW,  I  USED  TO  ASSERT  THAT  THE  MERE  FACT  OF  A  BOOK'S 
REACHING  A  SALE  OF  50,000  COPIES  WAS  ENOUGH,  OF  ITSELF,  TO 
STAMP  IT  AS  BEING  AN  UTTERLY  VILE  AND  WORTHLESS  PRODUCTION. 

SOMEHOW  I  NO  LONGER  FEEL  QUITE  so  CONVINCED  UPON  THAT  POINT!" 

Mcevius  (who  has  at  last  produced  a  dramatic  work  which  has  already 

run  a  fortnight,  and  is  even  running  still).   "PERHAPS  YOU  'RE  RIGHT. 

ANYHOW,  I  MYSELF   AM   NO   LONGER  OF  OPINION   THAT  A  MAN  is 

NECESSARILY  A  GENIUS  JUST  BECAUSE  HE  HAS  WRITTEN  A  PLAY  THAT 
WAS  HISSED  OFF  THE  STAGE  THE  FIRST  NlGHT  !  " 


ROUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

STRAY  NOTES  ON  WOMEN. 

I  WONDER  that  no  philosopher  has  yet  written  a  monograph  on  the 
meals  of  women.  It  is  an  important  and  a  fascinating  subject — 
important  in  its  relation  to  food,  fascinating  in  its  relation  to 
the  female  appetite.  To  any  investigator  who  shall  feel  tempted 
to  undertake  it,  I  beg  to  offer  the  following  notes  as  a  sort  of 
memoires  pour  servir,  the  rough  blocks,  as  it  were,  which  he  may 
afterwards  hew  into  shape  for  the  purpose  of  his  edifice. 

I  TAKE  it  that  ever  since  EVE  eat  the  unpermitted  apple 
between  times,  women  have  in  every  age  displayed  a  liking  for 
odd  meals  at  odd  hours.  If  by  dint  of  scheming  and  good  luck, 
a  modern  housewife  has  been  able  to  get  rid  of  the  males  of  the 
household,  her  first  impulse  is  to  heave  a  sigh  of  relief  at  the 
blessed  thought  that  there  need  be  no  dinners.  She  will  take 
unto  herself  a  female  friend,  and  somewhere  between  six  and 
seven  o'clock  in  the  evening,  a  tray  will  be  brought  in  to  them 
and  will  be  placed,  not  on  a  solid  dining-room  table,  but  (and 
this  is  essential)  on  a  rickety  little  side-table.  The  tray  groans 
under  a  varied  assortment  of  mixed  eatables.  There  are  sand- 


wiches, butter,  a  cake,  a  fragmentary  aspic  from  yesterday's 
dinner,  two  meringues  and  a  half,  some  ginger-bread  biscuits, 
a  dish  of  strawberry- jam,  three  poached  eggs,  some  chocolate 
creams,  muffins,  dry  toast,  and  a  saucer  of  mixed  pickles.  So 
much  for  the  solid  part.  The  liquid  is  composed  of  tea,  cold 
water  and  cream,  the  last  being  generally  taken  separate.  It 
would  seem,  in  the  nature  of  things,  impossible  that  one  fragile 
tray  should  bear  all  this  load;  but  it  does.  Indeed,  half  the 
pleasure  of  the  meal  is  that  it  should  come  in  all  at  once  on  a 
single  tray,  and  that  its  disjected  members  should  later  on  be 
gathered  together  from  the  four  quarters  of  the  room,  replaced 
on  the  tray,  and  whisked  away  into  oblivion  at  one  fell  swoop. 

AND  oh,  with  what  a  sense  of  comfortable  abandon  do  the  two 
feasters  revel  in  this  innocent  orgie.  There  is  no  hateful 
formality,  no  impassive  butler  stands  behind  to  chill  the  fervour 
of  conversation,  there  are  no  dismal  pauses,  no  taunts  from  rude 
men  as  to  the  quality  of  the  food  or  the  capacity  of  the  cook. 
Everything  is  spread  out  in,  full  view ;  you  can  have  a  spoonful 
here,  a  handful  there ;  you  can  start  with  a  chocolate  cream, 
follow  on  with  a  poached  egg  and  a  slice  of  cake,  and  wind  up 
with  a  meringue  and  a  muffin.  Glorious  meal,  and  wondrous 
feminine  digestion,  to  which  nothing  comes  amiss !  Men,  in  com- 
parison, are  the  merest  slaves  of  a  cut  and  dried  routine — apt  to 
be  thrown  out  of  gear  by  the  slightest  departure  from  their 
wretched  dietetic  ordinances.  Give  me  rather  the  free  and  un- 
trammelled meals  of  a  woman  when  she  has  been  left  to  herself. 


THE  average  woman,  too,  is  a  confirmed  supper-eater.  Supper 
is  an  irregular  meal,  and  women  are,  therefore,  devoted  to 
suppers.  Without  the  substantial  support  of  women  all  the 
great  supper-providing  establishments  of  the  metropolis  would 
have  been  hi  the  Bankruptcy  Court  long  ago.  At  balls,  after 
theatres  and  concerts,  at  home,  or  in  restaurants — wherever 
the  supper  is  there  will  the  women  be  gathered  together. 
Lobster,  dressed  crab,  mayonnaise  of  salmon  or  chicken;  soup  in 
cups,  cold  cutlets,  ortolans,  all  disappear  as  if  by  magic  if  only 
you  call  the  meal  supper  and  provide  a  reasonable  number  of 
lady-guests.  If  you  called  it  dinner,  and  fixed  it  for  a  decently- 
digestive  hour,  the  noblest  efforts  of  the  chef  would  be  sent  away 
untasted,  or  at  most,  picked  at  and  dallied  with. 

AND  so  we  come  to  picnics  and  afternoon  tea.  Now,  with 
regard  to  afternoon  tea,  the  discussion  is  a  delicate  one,  for  I 
understand  that  the  great  increase  in  the  import  of  tea  during 
recent  years  is  due  to  the  fact  that  man,  proud  man,  who 
formerly  used  to  drink  a  brandy  and  soda  when  he  came  home 
from  work  or  play,  now  puts  away  his  two  cups  of  tea  regularly. 
I  am  told,  that  if  you  offer  a  man  spirits  on  his  return  from  shoot- 
ing, he  will  scout  the  suggestion  and  declare  that  tea  is  his 
drink.  This  may  be  so,  and  for  the  present,  therefore,  I  pass  by 
afternoon  tea.  But  in  the  matter  of  picnics  our  withers  are  un- 
wrung.  Is  there  a  man  worthy  of  the  name  who  dares  to  affirm 
that  he  likes  a  picnic?  Who  is  it  that  proposes  a  picnic? 
Is  it  a  man  ?  Never.  Picnics  are  merely  another  ^  method 
of  escape  from  regularity  and  comfort  in  meals,  and  it  is  to 
women  that  they  owe  such  vogue  as  they  have  ever  ob- 
tained. Who  but  a  woman  could  ever  have  had  a  suffi- 
ciently vivid  imagination  to  believe  that  there  was  pleasure  in 
dumping  your  food  down  amidst  stones  and  wasps  and  patches 
of  grass;  devouring  it  in  ridiculous  positions,  and  leaving  a  litter 
of  paper  to  destroy  the  landscape  ?  But  it  is  a  curious  fact  that 
there  is  about  most  organised  picnics  a  ceremonious  formality, 
which  is  rarely  observable  at  meals  served  in  the  humdrum 
fashion  on  a  table  set  on  a  floor  under  a  ceiling  and  within  four 
walls. 

Hands  and  Hearts. 

"  HANDS  off,  in  South  Africa !  " — so  says  our  JOE, 
Is  our  watchword  in  Afric,  our  Doctrine  MONKOB. 
The  Dutchman,  remembering  some  things  that  are  gone, 
Might  hint  that  our  watchword  was  lately  "  Hands  on ! " 
May  be,  the  best  watchword  at  last  will  be  found, 
That  of  TENNYSON'S  patriot  song,  "Hands  all  Eeund!" 
In  which  he  expressed  better  patriot  pride 
Than  did  his  successor  in  "  JAMESON'S  Ride." 

In  an  Hotel  at  Southsea. 

First  Stranger  (referring  to  third).  Your  friend  says  that  he 
owns  a  liquid  gum. 

Second  Stranger.  Naturally.  Haven't  you  observed  the  way 
in  which  he  sticks  to  his  liquor  ? 


VOL.  oxi. 


122 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  12,  1896. 


ODE    TO    THE    BLACK    PRINCE, 

KUMAR  SHRI  RANJIT  SINHJI,  CHAMPION  CRICKETER,  1896. 
(A  Western  Dithyrambic  in  an  Eastern  Style. ) 

PRINCE  RANJIT  he  marched  to  the  westward,  from  the  borders 

of  Bombay  he  came, 
To  the  banks  of  the  Cam,  and  he  collared  the  crown  of  the 

glorious  game, 
The   game  which  the  GRACES   and  STODDARTS,  the   flannel-clad 

ones  of  the  West, 
Declared  of  all  masculine  pastimes  the  proudest  and  noblest  and 

best. 
In  the  cohort  of  century-pilers,  the  sphere-smiting  GILBERT  was 

king, 
But  RANJIT  the  Run-Getter  entered  the  lists;  of  his  triumphs  I 

sing. 


THE  BLACK  PRINCE  (OF  CRICKETERS). 

Though  the  poets  from  PENTAOUR  to  PETRARCH,  from  HOMER  to 

AUSTIN  would  fail 
To  picture  in  adequate  tints  this  swart  boss  of  the  bat-ball-and- 

bail! 

His  sire  was  a  Jam  in  the  East,  and  so  is  his  son — real  Jam  I 
In  the  Raj-Kumar  school  in  the  East,  or  in  Trinity  College, 

by  Cam, 
Upon  cocoa-nut  matting  at  home,  or  green  turf  at  the  Oval  or 

Lord's, 
"  RANJI  "  shaped  like  a  cricketer  sound,  and  there  's  scarcely  a 

sight  which  affords 
More  pleasure  to  judges  of  "form"  than  the  sight  of  the  slim, 

swarthy  Prince, 

In  batting  as  neat  as  a  trivet,  in  fielding  as  sharp  as  a  quince, 
Giving  beans  to  the  best  British  bowling,  or  stopping  or  sprinting 

like  steam, 

Or  making  that  lovely  late  cut,  a  serene  thing  of  beauty,  a  dream 
Of  delight,  an  ideal  of  art,  with  the  charm  of  a  perfect  technique, 
Which  a  fellow  who  knows  what  is  what  at  the  wickets,  could 

watch  for  a  week ! 
The  public  soon  knew  "  Mr.  SMITH,"  and  they  yelled  every  time 

he  appeared, 
And  they  gave  him  the  nick-names  crowds  give  to  the  cracks  to 

their  bosoms  endeared, — 


"  Ramsgate    JIMMY,"   or    "  Rum-Gin-and-Whiskey  " — more   pat 

than  polite,  to  a  Prince, 

But  the  cricketing  crowd  by  familiar  facetiousness  loves  to  evince 
Its  rough  but  sincere  hero-worship,  as  he  the  great  Doctor  doth 

know, 
\Vhom  they  love  to  acclaim  as  "the  Old'un,"  and  chaff  when  he 

bends  for  a  "  blow  " 
After  running  a  fiver — near  fifty!     But  RANJIT  the  Run-Getter 

soon 

Began  piling  "centuries"  quickly  to  a  most  remarkable  tune, 
And  having  a  cut  at  all  records.     Some  toppers  that  way  he  's 

rubbed  out. 
He  's  a-top  of  the  Averages  now,  and  he  means  getting  higher, 

no  doubt — 
If  that 's  not  a  bull — Sussex'  hope,  and  the  pride  of  the  Cam  he 

appears, 
And  when  the  Light  Blues  give  that  banquet,  your  lovers  of  big 

British  cheers 
Will  have  every  tympanum  tickled  by  shouts  for  the   "  Black 

Bat," — not  night, 
As  TENNYSON  put  it  in  Maud,  and  SIMS  REEVES  to  a  nation's 

delight, 
Hath  flutily  piped  it  so  often.      And  faith!  the  "Black  Bat" 

hath  not  flown, 
And  all  Britons  hope  well  he  won't  do,  for  we  love  to  think 

"RANJI"  our  own. 
An  ode  to  him,  then,  unto  whom  we,  this  season,  have  owed  such 

a  lot! 
And  when  British  bats  fight  for  those  "ashes,"  and  there  are 

some  signs  of  a  "  rot," 

When  we  want  someone  brilliant  and  steady,  hawk-eyed,  lion- 
hearted,  and  cool, 
A  blend  of  MACLAREN  and  GRACE,  with   the    "stick"    of    the 

SHREWSBURY  school, 
The  sparkle  of  STODDART  or  WYNYARD,  the  patience  of  Surrey's 

brave  BOB, 
May  RANJIT  the  Black  Prince  of  cricket,  be  with  us,  and  "  well 

on  the  job  " !  !  J 

THE  TRAVELLING  'AERY. 

(From  a  Cynical  Point  of  View. ) 

HE  leaves,  on  setting  foot  on  the  Continent,  his  normal  tolera- 
tion of  the  foreigner,  and  regards  everyone  and  everything  with 
undisguised  contempt. 

He  declares  that  St.  Peter's  is  inferior  to  St.  Paul's,  the 
British  Museum  superior  to  the  Louvre,  and  Notre  Dame  not 
a  patch  on  Westminster  Abbey. 

He  appears  to  be  recalling  Waterloo  every  time  he  comes 
across  a  French  soldier. 

He  never  touches  his  hat  to  anyone,  and  drops  "Monsieur" 
and  "  Madame  "  in  spite  of  the  custom  of  the  country. 

He  appears  on  the  boulevards  in  a  pot  hat,  and  ignores  evening 
dress  in  places  where  grande  tenue  is  de  rigueur. 

He  laughs  contemptuously  at  all  he  fails  to  understand,  and 
never  takes  the  trouble  to  comprehend  anything. 

He  assumes  that  no  one  but  an  Englishman  can  drive,  row, 
shoot,  or  engage  in  athletics. 

If  he  travels  in  France  he  becomes  aristocratic,  and  socialistic 
if  he  wanders  in  Germany. 

He  sees  nothing  in  Venice,  Florence,  Dresden,  or  Berlin. 

He  yawns  in  the  Vatican,  and  goes  to  sleep  in  the  Paris  Opera 
House. 

He  walks  about  everywhere  as  if  the  whole  place  belonged  to 
him,  and  resents  as  an  intrusion  the  presence  of  the  original 
inhabitants. 

He  speaks  his  own  tongue  and  no  other,  and  expects  everyone 
to  understand  him. 

He  bullies  the  waiters,  and  regards  the  hotel-keepers  as 
brigands. 

He  never  enters  a  shop  without  assuming  that  the  persons 
behind  the  counter  are  banded  to  rob  him. 

He  expects  everyone  to  bow  before  him,  and  to  make  way  foi 
him. 

He  is  bumptious  and  obstinate  and  stupid  and  inconsiderate, 
and  then,  after  disporting  himself  as  an  overbearing  bounder 
everywhere  in  foreign  parts,  he  learns  with  surprise,  on  his 
return  to  his  native  land,  that  the  Briton  is  the  reverse  of 
popular  abroad. 

MOTTO  FOR  BRITISH  CRICKETERS. — Strike  only  at  the  ball! 


SEPTEMBER  12,  1896.]  PUNCH,    OR     THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI. 


123 


THE    DEPTH 


IGNORANCE. 


Dissatisfied  Competitor  (leaving  the  Riiig  at  a  Horse  Show).  "WHAT!  CALL  YOURSELVES  JUDGES  OF  HOSSES  ? 

JUDGE  BLOOMIN'  BROKEN-DOWN  BICYCLES  !  " 


WHY,  YER  AIN'T  FIT  TO 


EN   fcCOSSE. 

A  Monsieur  Punch. 

DEAR  MISTER, — I  have  spoken  you  of  my  departure  from 
Calendar  on  the  breach.  Eh,  well,  he  rained  not  of  the  whole 
of  the  whole — da,  tout  da  tout!  II  faisait  un  temps  superbe 
— he  was  making  a  superb  time,  the  route  was  well  agree- 
able, and  the  voyage  lasted  but  two  hours,  and  not  twelve. 
What  droll  of  idea!  In  Scottish  twa  is  two,  not  twelve.  I  was 
so  content  to  arrive  so  quick  and  without  to  be  wetted  that  I 
gave  the  coacher  a  good  to-drink — un  bon  pourboire — though 
before  to  start  all  the  voyagers  had  paid  him  a  "  tipp,"  that 
which  he  called  a  " driver's  fee."  Agaim  what  droll  of  ideal  To 
gi/e  the  to-drink  before  to  start,  and  each  one  the  same — six 
pennys. 

My  friend  encountered  me  and  conducted  me  to  his  house, 
where  I  have  passed  fifteen  days,  a  sojourn  of  the  most  agreables. 
And  all  the  time  almost  not  one  sole  drop  of  rain !  J' avals 
beau — I  had  fine — to  buy  all  my  impermeable  vestments,  I  carry 
them  never.  One  sole  umbrella  suffices  me,  and  I  open  him 
but  two  times.  And  yet  one  says  that  the  Scotland  is  a  rainy 
country.  It  is  perhaps  a  season  tout  a  fait — all  to  fact — excep- 
tional. But  fifteen  days  almost  without  rain!  One  would 
believe  himself  at  the  border  of  the  Mediterranean,  absolutely 
at  the  South. 

And  I  have  eaten  of  the  "porridg,"  me  AUGUSTS!  Partout 
I  essay  the  dish  of  the  country.  I  take  at  first  a  spoonful  pure 
and  simple.  Oh  la,  la!  My  friend  offers  me  of  the  cream.  It 
is  well.  Also  of  the  salt.  Quelle  idee!  But  no,  before  me  I 
perceive  a  dish  of  confiture,  that  which  the  Scottish  call  "  mar- 
maladde."  A  la  bonne  heure!  With  some  marmaladde,  some 
cream,  and  much  of  sugar,  I  find  that  the  "  porridg  "  is  enough 
well,  for  I  taste  him  no  more. 

One  day  we  make  an  ascension,  and  we  see  many  grouses. 
Only  we  can  not  to  shoot,  for  it  is  not  yet  the  season  of  the 
huntings.  It  is  but  a  hill  that  we  mount.  The  name  appears 
me  to  be  french,  but  bad  written.  "Ben  Venue,"  that  is  to 
say,  "  Sienvenu  " — soyez  le  bienvenu.  She  is  one  of  the  first  of 
the  Scottish  hills,  and  she  says  "  welcome  "  in  french.  It  is  a 


pretty  idea,  and  a  politeness  very  amiable  towards  my  country. 
[  salute  the  hospitable  Scotland  and  I  thank  her.  It  is  a  great 
jountry,  of  brave  men,  of  charming  women — ah,  I  recall  to  my- 
self some  eyes  so  beautiful,  some  forms  so  attracting! — of 
ravishing  landscapes,  and,  at  that  epoch  there,  of  a  climate  so 
delicious.  She  has  one  sole  and  one  great  defect.  The  best 
Scottish  hotels  cost  very  dear,  and,  my  faith,  the  two  or  three 
that  I  visited  are  not  great  thing  like  comfortable — ne  sont  pas 
jrand'chose  comme  comfortable! 

One  day  we  make  a  little  excursion  on  the  Lake  of  Lomond. 
The  lake  is  well  beautiful,  and  the  steamboat  is  excellent.  But 
in  one  certain  hotel,  in  descending  from  a  breach,  and  before  to 
embark,  we  take  the  "lunch."  We  bargain  not,  we  ask  not 
even  the  price,  we  eat  at  the  table  d'hote  like  all  the  world  in 
Swiss,  in  France,  even  in  Germany,  when  there  is  but  one  half 
hour  before  the  departure  of  the  train  or  of  the  boat.  Oh  la,  la ! 
I  have  eaten  in  the  Spanish  hotels,  on  the  steamboats  of  the 
italian  lakes,  even  in  the  restaurants — man  Dieu  ! — of  the  english 
railways,  but  never,  never — au  grand  jamais — have  I  eaten  a 
dejeuner  like  that!  One  dish  I  shall  forget  never;  some  ex- 
terior green  leaves  of  lettuce,  without  oil  or  vinegar,  which  they 
called  a  "  salad."  Parbleu — by  blue !  In  all  the  history  of  the 
world  there  has  been  but  one  man  who  would  have  could  to  eat 
her  with  pleasure — NABUCHODONOSOR  1  Agree,  &c.,  AUGUSTS. 


"  Gentlemen  v.  Players." 

THIS  title,  given  to  a  popular  enough  cricket  match,  may  sound 
a  little  "invidious"  to  the  democratic  spirit  of  to-day,  more  so, 
perhaps,  than  in  the  times  of  "  Mr."  MYNN  and  FULLER  PILCH. 
"Amateurs  v.  Professionals"  would  perhaps  do  equally  well, 
and  create  less  heart-burning  in  certain  quarters.  Mr.  C.  B. 
FRY,  that  admirable  all-round  athlete,  says  that  "The  so-called 
sham  amateurism  exists  entirely  in  the  imagination  of  the  few 
discontented  professionals,  and  in  the  mischief-making  columns 
of  certain  negligeable  journals."  Mr.  Punch,  trusts  this  is  so, 
and  Mr.  FRY  ought  to  know.  Mr.  Punch  is  inclined  to  believe 
that  the  "  real  enemies "  of  the  glorious  old  game  are  the 
"  Gentlemen  "  who  are  not  (fair)  players,  and  the  "  Players  "  who 
are  not  (true)  gentlemen. 


124 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  12,  1896. 


ILLUSTRATING  THE  TRIUMPH  OF  MIND  OVER  MATTER. 

(A  Common  Object  on  the  Seashore.) 


A  WORD  WI'  WALLACE. 

(By  an  indignant  Brither  Scot,  after  reading  a 
wild  screed  in  disparagement  of  Robert  Louis 
Stevenson.) 

AIR — "Scots  wha  hoe  w$  Wallace  bled." 

SOOTS,  wha  hear  what  WALLACE  said, 
Scots,  wham  STEVENSON  has  led, 
Keepin'  ye  from  cosy  bed, 

Wi'  his  glorious  minstrelsie, 

Now  's  the  day  and  now 's  the  hour  1 
See  the  front  o'  WALLACE  lour! 
But  yon  ROBERT  has  nae  pow'r 
To  wipe  t'ither  ROBERT'S  ee  I 

Wha  will  play  the  traitor-knave  ? 
Wha,  o'er  ROBERT  Louis'  grave, 
Ca's  him  pharisaic  slave  P 

Fie,  fause  WALLACE  !  turn  and  flee ! 

Wha  for  Scotland's  pride  and  a' 
Scotia's  sword  will  strongly  draw, 
And  on  this  crank  creetic  fa'  P 
Caledonian,  on  wi'  met 

By  Romance's  golden  gains, 
By  sweet  poesy's  silver  strains, 
We  will  drain  our  dearest  veins, 
STEVENSON'S  fair  fame  to  free  1 

Lay  the  unworthy  WALLACE  lowl 
ROBERT  Louis  Scotland's  foe  ? 
Then  ROB  BURNS  and  SCOTT  were  so ! 
Degenerate  WALLACE,  mind  your  ee  1 


Every  Man  to  his  Own  Trade. 

Ship-owner  (joyfully,  while,  reading  news- 
paper) .  By  Jove  1  the  Belgian  authorities 
have  arrested  BEN  TILLETT  and  (sorrow- 
fully) let  him  go  again ! 


DIS-CUSTED  CITIZENS. 

EVIDENTLY  the  National  Portrait  Gallery  is  not  conducted  on 
popular  principles,  judging  by  the  following  correspondence :  — 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH, — On  visiting  the  National  Portrait  Gallery 
this  afternoon,  I  was  astonished  to  find  that  there  were  no  like- 
nesses of  such  celebrities  of  the  turf  as  CHIFNEY;  ROBINSON,  and 
other  famous  jockeys,  though,  to  be  sure,  I  noticed  a  picture  of 
Lord  DERBY.  What  is  the  Government  about?  Let  the  Sport- 
ing League  take  the  question  up  without  delay.  Yours  in- 
dignantly, WELLINGTON  MORTAR. 

Epsom  Chambers,  W.,  September  2,  1896. 

SIR, — I  have  just  been  to  the  National  Portrait  Gallery,  and 
am  truly  shocked  to  find  that  most  of  our  bygone  patriots  are 
not  represented.  Where,  for  instance,  is  the  inventor  of  the 
chimney-pot  hat?  Why  do  we  not  look  upon  the  features  of 
the  Worcestershire  nobleman,  who  first  compounded  the  im- 
mortal sauce  ?  To  whose  professional  jealousy  may  I  ascribe 
the  absence  of  the  lineaments  of  that  philanthropist,  who  first 
brought  out  flaming  fusees  P  Is  Captain  WHITE,  of  mixed 
pickle  fame,  not  worthy  of  a  place  in  the  National  Collection? 
Where  is  the  subtle  chemist,  who  originated  soda-water,  or  that 
other,  who  perceived  how  happily  the  sparkling  beverage  blended 
with  brandy  and  whiskey  ?  Where  is  the  deviser  of  the  elastic 
brace,  and  where  the  gifted  being  who  brought  the  Welsh  rarebit 
and  its  brother,  the  "  buck,"  into  existence  ?  Where — but  there, 
Sir,  my  patience  is  exhausted,  and  so  no  doubt  is  your  space. 
This  is  an  age  of  ingratitude.  Our  true  benefactors  live  after 
all,  not  by  the  brush  of  some  wretched  dauber,  but  in  the  con- 
tinuity of  their  famous  inventions.  I  am,  Sir,  your  obedient 
servant,  FREDERICK  MANDOG. 

John  Bull  Club,  September,  5,  1896. 

DEAR  SIR, — Surely  in  the  National  Portrait  Gallery  there 
ought  to  be  found  some  of  those  exquisite  types  of  female  love- 
liness which  delighted  an  older  generation?  I  have  inherited 
from  my  revered  great  aunt,  Lady  SNIFFLETON,  a  very  valuable 
library  of  Books  of  Beauty  and  Elegant  Annuals,  profusely  illus- 
trated with  the  most  ravishing  representations  of  fair  dames  and 
damsels,  whose  bright  eyes  and  sweet  lips  still  smile  as  radiantly 
as  of  yore.  I  have  not  the  distinguished  honour  of  knowing  Mr. 


LIONEL  GUST,  but  understanding  that  you  are  acquainted  with 
everybody,  I  venture  to  suggest  that  you  should  ask  him  to  pur- 
chase the  volumes  in  question?  Our  being  strangers  one  to 
another  must  alone  prevent  my  calling  upon  you  in  person.  I 
am,  dear  Sir,  yours  artistically,  MATILDA  MIFFKINS. 

Strawberry  Best,  Bath. 

HONERED  SIR. — Wot's  all  this  rot  about  a  Nashional  Portrit 
Galery?  I've  bin  to  see  it.  There's  no  JACK  SHEPHARD, 
JONATHAN  WILD,  CLAUD  DUVAL,  DICK  TURPIN,  nor  any  sich 
anshient  'eroes,  to  say  naught  of  miner  crib  crakkers.  Give 
me  Madame  TWOSWARDS  and  the  Chamber  of  'Orrors!  Your 
obedient  JACK  DOOKSON. 

c/o  Potman,  Bag  of  Brads,  East.  X  His  Mark. 

To  THOSE  WHO  LOVE  PLAY. — If  you  are  tied  to  town  in  Sep- 
tember, and  yet  yearn  for  the  distractions  of  the  continent,  you 
cannot  do  better  than  visit  the  Avenue  Theatre.  There,  to  the 
strains  of  lively  music,  you  may  see  the  Casino  overlooking 
Monaco,  and  the  Isle  of  Malta,  as  viewed  from  the  deck  of  a 
yacht,  not  entirely  unsuggestive  of  H.M.S.  Pinafore.  You 
will  find  yourself  in  the  midst  of  the  most  agreeable  company, 
inclusive  of  the  Misses  LOTTIE  VENNE,  KATE  CUTLER,  and  (thanks 
to  the  genuine  "kindness  of  R.  D'OYLEY  CARTE,  Esq.")  EMMIE 
OWEN.  There  will  be  Mr.  ERIC  LEWIS,  too,  who  will  introduce 
you  to  an  unconventional  wearer  of  the  Victoria  Cross,  and  Mr. 
E.  W.  GARDEN,  who  will  suggest  an  equally  original  garcon  at  a 
restaurant.  Then,  after  enjoying  a  couple  of  hours  or  so  of  un- 
alloyed amusement,  you  will  return  home  to  Belgravia  the 
Deserted,  Brixton  the  Lonely,  or  Brompton  the  Gradually 
Awakening  to  Life,  satisfied  with  the  comforting  reflection 
that  you  have  passed  a  pleasant  and  consequently  profitable 
evening  at  Monte  Carlo  without  losing  touch  of  the  Thames 
Embankment. 

11  Cabby  knows  his  Fair." 

Middle-class  Lady  (who  has  just  been  driven  to  High  Street, 
Kensington).  What  I  Half-a-crown  I 

Cabby.  I  beg  pardon,  mum,  but  I  understood  yer  to  say  yer 
was  a-going  to  call  at  'Olland  'Ouse. 

[Incident  dosed  without  further  debate. 


SEPTEMBER  12,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


125 


THE  PENDULUM^ OF  WEALTH. 

(A  Forecast.) 
CHAPTER  III. — "  Noblesse  oblige ! " 

So  the  tableau  was  formed ;  the  Duke  trembling  with  anger, 
the  Duchess  with  fear,  and  Mr.  MACLAZARUS  impassively  de- 
fiant, when  the  door  was  flung  open  and  PLANTAGBNET  entered, 
bearing  a  missive  on  a  japanned  tray. 

"  Pardon  me,  your  Grace,"  he  panted,  "  but  it 's  a  cablegram 
— no  doubt  from  England." 

"  Leave  the  room,  Sir,"  thundered  the  Duke ;  and  the  major- 
domo,  after  making  a  low  obeisance,  slunk  from  the  apartment. 

Despite  his  wrath,  the  Duke  was  a  gentleman. 

"Excuse  me,"  he  said  to  Mr.  MACLAZAHUS,  before  opening 
the  envelope.  The  dealer  bowed,  and  watched  the  Duke  as  he 
read  the  inclosure.  His  Grace's  eyes  sparkled  behind  his  pince- 
nez,  his  form  grew  more  erect,  and  all  trace  of  indignation 
vanished  from  his  countenance.  Without  a  word  he  handed  the 
paper  to  the  Duchess.  On  her,  too,  the  message  had  evidently 
a  pleasant  effect,  for  a  happy  expression  came  over  her  face, 
and  soft  tears,  evidently  not  caused  by  grief,  made  little  canals 
amid  the  cosmetics  on  her  cheeks. 

"Thank  Heaven  1"  she  murmured,  while  Mr.  MACLAZAHUS 
wondered  what  the  scene  might  mean.  He  had  not  long  .to 
wait  for  an  explanation. 

"  Mr.  MACLAZARUS,"  said  the  Duke,  in  his  grandest  style,  "  I 
shall  not  sell  my  pictures,  forgeries  or  otherwise." 

"  As  your  Grace  pleases,"  acquiesced  the  financier. 

"Your  time  is  money,"  continued  the  Duke,  "therefore 
charge  me  for  the  same." 

Mr.  MACLAZAKUS  bowed,  inwardly  resolving  that  the  noble- 
man must  certainly  be  distraught. 

"This  despatch,"  the  Duke  went  on,  "is  from  my  son,  the 
Marquis  of  MANHATTAN;  you  may  as  well  know  its  contents." 
Then  in  a  voice  swelling  with  triumphant  emotion,  he  read:  — 

"  To  the  Duke  of  SARATOGA,  Milwaukee  House,  New  York.— 
Am  engaged  SERINGA  BROWN-SMITH,  wealthiest  heiress  in  Great 
Britain.  Beautiful  and  charming  lady  aged  twenty-three.  Have 
explained  our  position.  She  agrees  to  settle  one  million  pounds 
sterling  on  you  for  life,  and  two  millions  without  conditions  on 
myself.  Total  fortune,  twelve  millions.  Expect  you  and 
mother  attend  wedding  fixed  for  New  Year's  Day  St.  Paul's 
Cathedral.  PRESIDENT  gives  away  bride.  Best  love.  Boom 
intelligence.  MANHATTAN." 

"There,  Sir,  what  do  you  thiffk  of  that?"  added  the  Duke, 
with  a  beaming  smile. 

"  Je-hoshaphat  1 "  was  all  that  Mr.  MACLAZARUS  could  ejacu- 
late. Then  recollecting  himself,  he  said,  "  I  sincerely  congratu- 
late your  Graces." 

"Many  thanks,  my  dear  Sir,"  said  the  Duke,  well  pleased 
with  the  effects  which  he  had  made.  "You  may  communicate 
the  information  to  the  Press  if  you  please,  but  be  particular 
that  the  sums  named  are  in  pounds  sterling,  not  dollars.  Let 
the  world  know  that  the  Duke  of  SARATOGA  can  accept  as  well 
as  bestow." 

"  That 's  true,"  said  Mr.  MACLAZARUS  to  himself,  as  he  thought 
of  the  many  ducal  bills  which  had  passed  through  his  hands. 

"  Ah  1  your  Grace,"  he  cried,  with  no  feigned  enthusiasm ; 
"  this  is,  indeed,  a  great  day  for  America !  " 

"It  is,"  said  the  Duke,  simply.  "And  now,  Mr.  MAC- 
LAZARUS, I  pray  you,  leave  us,  for  the  Duchess  and  myself 
must  instantly  cable  our  blessing  and  good  wishes  to  the  hope 
of  our  house  and  his  bride  elect. 

As  Mr.  MACLAZARUS  leapt  into  his  luxuriously-appointed 
motor-car,  he  said,  with  a  quiet  chuckle,  "  So  the  pendulum 
is  swinging  back  at  last  from  the  other  side.  I  must  look  out 
for  a  British  heiress  myself.  I  guess  there  '11  be  no  infringe- 
ment of  the  MONROE  Doctrine  in  this  new  invasion  of  the  United 
States."  

A  Jingo  to  Joe. 

STOP  this  Dutch  farce !     KRUGER  has  scored. 

You  yield  to  him  a  deal  too  much,  man  1 
The  play  I  'd  place  on  the  Boer  board 

Would  be  ''The  Flying  Dutchman"! 

At  Doncaster. 

Timid  Southerner  (to  pitman,  who  is  trampling  on  his  corns). 
I  beg  your  pardon,  Sir,  but  you  are — er — walking  on  my  boots. 

Pitman.  Then,  dang  it,  mon,  why  didst  put  thy  foot  under 
mine  ?  I  want  to  see  t'  race,  understand. 

[Southerner  endures  silent  agony  till  the  Leger  is  over. 


BICYCLES 


REPAIRED  AND  PAINTED 

ALL   COLOURS     O*1   THE 

RAINBOW 
INCLUDING     BLACK 
AND    COLD 


THE    WONDERS    OF    NATURE. 

(A  Sketch  near  Dublin. ) 


A  SENTIMENTAL  JOURNEY  LONG  AFTER  STERNE'S. 

(A  Romance  for  a  "  Ladies  Only  Compartment.") 

SCENE — Reserved  Carriage  on  the  London  and  Utopian  Railway. 
Female  Traveller  in  possession.  Enter,  suddenly,  a  Male 
Traveller. 

Male  Traveller.  A  thousand  apologies !  I  really  nearly  missed 
my  train,  so  was  obliged  to  take  refuge  in  this  carriage.  Trust 
I  don't  intrude. 

Fem.  T.  (after  a  pause).  As  you  have  no  one  to  present  you, 
I  must  ask  "  if  you  are  any  lady's  husband  ?  " 

Male  T.  (with  a  sigh).  Alas,  nol    I  am  a  wretched  bachelor  1 

Fem.  T.  (drily).  That  is  nothing  out  of  the  common.  I  have 
been  given  to  understand  that  all  bachelors  are  miserable. 

Male  T.  No  doubt  your  husband  agrees  with  the  opinion  ? 

Fem.  T.  (calmly).  I  have  no  experience.     I  am  a  spinster. 

Male  T.  (smiling).  Indeed  I  And  you  selected  a  ladies'  car- 
riage ? 

Fem.  T.  (quickly).  Because  there  was  no  room  anywhere  else. 

Male  T.  Well,  well!  At  the  next  station  I  can  get  into  a 
smoking  compartment. 

Fem.  T.  Surely  there  is  no  need  to  take  so  much  trouble. 

Male  T.  Why  I  don't  you  object  to  a  cigar  ? 

Fem.  T.  Not  in  the  least.     The  fact  is,  I  smoke  myself  I 

[Red  fire  and  tobacco. 

Male  T.  (after  a  pause).  I  have  it  on  my  conscience  to  make 
a  correction.  I  said  just  now  that  I  was  not  somebody's  husband. 

Fem.  T.  (annoyed).  Then  you  are  married! 

Male  T.  (with  intention) .  Well,  not  yet.  But  if  you  like  you 
can  receive  me  as  somebody's  betrothed. 

Fem.  T.  (regardless  of  grammar) .  Who  's  somebody  P 

Male  T.  (smiling).  Think  of  your  own  name. 

Fem.  T.  What  next  ? 

Male  T.  Why,  give  it  to  me ;  and  if  you  like  you  shall  have 
mine  in  exchange.  (Train  arrives  at  a  station.} 

Guard  (without) .  All  change  1  [And  later  on  they  do. 


126 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  12,  1896. 


Jack.  "WHY  DO  THE  CHURCHES  ALWAYS  BEGIN  AT  ELEVEN,  GRANDPA? 
Grandpapa.  "An — THE  ELEVENTH  HOUR,  MY  BOY!" 


A    SEISMATICAL    SHAME  ! 

(By  a  "  Human  Soy.") 

[It  is  reported  that  Juan  Fernandez,  Robinson 
Crusoe's  island,  has  been  entirely  destroyed  by  an 
earthquake.] 

POOR  Island  of  Robinson  Crusoe! 
How  could  e'en  an  earthquake  treat  you 
so? 

Though  earthquakes  are  shocking, 

And  too  fond  of  rocking, 
I  'd  not  have  believed  one  could  do  so ! 

Yoiir  earthquake  is  cocky  and  "sidey," 
And  apt  to  leave  places — untidy, 

But  one  must  be  callous 

To  scorn  all  that  hallows 
The  home  of  dear  Bob  and  Man  Friday! 


Big  Ben  goes  off  Strike. 

(By  a  Sleepless  Dweller  in  Westminster. ) 

BIG  BEN  has  stayed  his  strident  voice, 

His  all  too  constant  call! 
Big  Ben  is  hushed !     I  say,  rejoice ! 

Big  benefit  for  all  I 


Among  the  Turnips. 

Host  (to  cockney  solicitor).  Hang  it  all, 
DEEDS,  you  oughtn't  to  shoot  into  the 
brown  like  that ! 

Deeds.  Shoot  into  the  brown  1  What 
are  you  talking  about  ?  I  fired  at  the 
partridges,  and  I  '11  bet  you  drinks  I 
wounded  four! 


BOUND  TO  THE  WHEEL. 

(A  modern  Torture  happily  unknown  to  poor 
Ixion.) 

THE  Member  of  an  Ordinary  London 
Club  arrived  at  the  pleasant  country 
place  to  which  he  had  been  invited. 

"  Five  o'clock  tea  going  on  ?  "  he  asked, 
as  he  divested  himself  of  his  travelling 
wraps. 

"  Well,  no,  Sir.  You  see,  the  young 
ladies  —  in  fact,  all  the  ladies  —  are  cy- 
cling, and  won't  be  back  until  the  hour 
for  dressing.  But  I  daresay  I  can  get 
you  a  cup  if  you  want  one." 

Slightly  depressed,  the  Member  leisurely 
assumed  the  regulation  dress  suit  for  din- 
ner, and  made  his  way  to  the  library. 
No  one  was  there,  but  there  was  plenty  of 
literature.  The  periodicals  dealt,  it  is 
true,  only  with  wheeling,  but  there  were 
many  of  them.  The  books  were  locked 
up  in  their  dust-covered  shelves.  How- 
ever, there  were  a  few  volumes  lying  open. 
They  were  exclusively  devoted  to  biking, 
in  all  its  branches. 

The  time  passed  slowly,  then  came  a 
rush  of  tyres,  and  the  house  party  had 
returned  to  head-quarters. 

In  due  course  the  hosts  and  visitors  as- 
sembled. The  Member  received  a  hearty 
greeting. 

"Ah,  my  dear  fellow,"  cried  the  squire, 
cheerily,  "  you  should  have  come  down 
this  morning.  Such  a  splendid  run  1 
Went  sixty  miles  without  sustaining  a 
puncture ! " 

The  Member  was  at  sea,  and  said  so. 
Then  the  Squire  discoursed  upon  the  ad- 
vantages and  disadvantages  of  various 
makers.  One  was  lighter  than  the  other, 
and  the  third  was  easier  to  keep  in  order 
than  the  fourth,  and  so  on. 

The  Member  —  in  his  own  circle  con- 
sidered "  an  amusing  rattle  " — found  him- 
self nowhere.  He  was  out  of  it,  com- 
pletely out  of  it.  The  ladies  vanished 
after  dinner,  and  the  men  were  left  to 
their  coffee,  liqueurs,  and  cigarettes. 

"  Next  Session  there  may  be  a  question 
about  the  leadership,"  began  the  Member. 

"Not  at  all,"  replied  his  host.  "We 
are  not  likely  to  see  the  record  broken 
yet  awhile.  But  to  return  to  to-day's  run. 
i  do  not  remember  anything  to  equal  it." 

And  they  talked  cycling  until  it  was 
time  to  join  the  ladies.  They  kept  up  the 
subject  until  the  appearance  of  the  tray 
and  glasses.  They  continued  it  in  the 
smoking-room,  in  neglige  jackets  and 
slippers. 

The  Member  had  nought  to  say.  And 
if  he  had  had  there  would  have  been  no 
one  to  listen  to  him.  They  talked  cycling, 
and  nothing  but  cycling,  until  the  early 
hours  of  the  morning. 

"  By  jove,"  yawned  the  Member,  as  he 
put  out  the  candle,  "  on  my  word,  much 
as  I  hate  hunting  stories,  I  do  really  be- 
lieve the  chatter  of  the  shires,  half  a  cen- 
tury ago,  must  have  been  more  interesting 
than  nothing  but  wheeling." 

And  when  the  Member  made  this  ob- 
servation he  voiced  the  opinion  of  most 
people  who  don't  bike,  and  consequently 
are  sane  upon  the  subject  of  cycling. 


MUSICAL. — Mr.  GLADSTONE  declares  that 
Yorkshire  is  pre-eminent  for  its  bands. 
Mr.  Punch  cordially  agrees  with  the  right 
honourable  gentleman,  for  he  has  never 
yet  come  across  a  "  Tyke "  who  did  not 
appreciate  the  power  of  "  brass." 


8* 


§ 


HH 


H 

o 


fed 

tel 

H 

O 


g  Q 

R  ^ 

8  P 

3  H 


W    ^-i 

B  O 


QD 


ts 


SEPTEMBER  12,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


129 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

An  Old  Beau  turns  over  an  Album  of  Portraits, 
and  soliloquises. 

THE  years,  as  HORACE  says,  glide  by? 

And  we  change  with  the  lapse  of  time ; 
Ihe  months  that  made  us  laugh  or  cry, 

The  weeks  of  prose,  the  days  of  rhyme. 
But,  looking  at  this  book  to-night — 

'Twas  filled  some  forty  years  ago — 
I  feel  an  exquisite  delight 

At  meeting  those  I  used  to  know. 

In  truth  there  has  been  such  a  change 

In  each  and  ev'ry  pretty  face, 
That  all  of  them  are  very  strange, 

And  seem  of  quite  another  race. 
Yet  once  they  were  the  fairest  flowers 

That  ever  social  garden  grew, 
To  deck  the  fashionable  bowers 

Of  those  who  held  themselves  The  Few. 

Can  this  be  Lady  ALDEGONDE, 

This  sylph  with  lilies  on  her  brow  ? 
Of  course  she  is  de  par  le  monde; 

How  flesh  and  years  oppress  her  now ! 
And  here  is  J?  ANNY,  Countess  X. , 

Who  held  her  sway  at  many  a  court. 
Poor    thing  I    She    joined    the    fleet    of 
wrecks, 

And  never  brought  her  ship  to  port. 

There  smiles  the  Duchess !    No  one  dared 

Dispute  her  right  to  lead  the  way. 
A  Queen  of  Women,  we  declared. 

She 's  like  a  bag  of  bones  to-day. 
Ah !  Lady  NINON,  wondrous  fair  1 

For  men  a  goddess  to  adore. 
You  must  be  Time's  especial  care, 

For  now  you  're  only  thirty-four ! 

A  rosebud  bevy  next,  of  girls, 

Each  in  my  being  had  a  part ; 
'Mid  ringlets,  plaits,  Madonnas,  curls, 

I  broke  in  pieces  all  my  heart. 
For  each  a  little  bit.     At  last 

I  found  I  had  no  heart  to  give ; 
Yet,  after  such  a  holocaust, 

How  was  it  that  I  dared  to  live  ? 

Ah !  this  was  why !     That  saintly  face 

Made  light,  where  all  before  was  blind ! 
My  spirit  felt  the  touch  of  grace 

That  gave  the  unknown  peace  of  mind ! 
Sweet  countenance !  that  ever  shone 

With  pure  and  beatific  flame. 

Dearest- Good   Gad,   my  memory 's 

gone, 

I  cannot  recollect  your  name  1 


A  CLOSE  SHAVE. — By  the  casting  vote 
of  the  Lord  Mayor,  the  Manchester  City 


Council  has  decided  not  to  take  proceed- 
ings against  Sunday  barbers.  Mr.  Punch 
congratulates  his  Lordship  and  the  knights 
of  the  razor.  There 's  nothing  like  lather ! 


MUST  BE  NAUTICAL.  —  Mr.  GOSCHBN, 
when  not  at  the  Admiralty,  is  usually  at 
Seacox  Heath,  whence  he  still  rules  the 
ocean  cum  dignitatc. 


DABBY  JONES  ON  THE  LEGEE. 

HONOURED  SIR, — Once  more  I  take  up 
my  pen  to  refer  to  a  classic  carnival,  not 
witii  that  ease,  I  confess,  which  dis- 
tinguishes the  Hon.  FRANK  LAWLET,  Mr. 
"HOTSPUR"  GREENWOOD,  and  others  of 
the  incognoscenti,  but  with  a  certain 
amount  of  confidence,  inasmuch  as  I 
know  that  unhappily  St.  Frusquin  can't 
possibly  win.  I  had  a  modest  fiver  on 
him,  at  your  expense ;  but  let  that  rest 


till  we  settle  up  my  travelling  expenses 
to  Doncaster  and  back.  Let  me  now 
give  my  muse  a  canter :  — 

If  Royalty  capture  this  classic  event, 

There  '11  be  cheers  that  you  'd  hear  on  the  banks  of 

the  Trent. 

But  a  bird,  who  ne'er  perches  upon  a  green  tree, 
Whispers  Something  that 's  good  for  1,  2,  or  3. 
If  a  Derby  with  Leger  could  well  be  combined, 
This  Something  will  leave  many  others  behind. 
And  don't  you  forget,  if  a  mare 's  in  the  race, 
That  the  gentlemen  may  have  to  quail  at  her  pace. 

With  this  simple  and  straightforward 
enigma,  I  leave  all  noble  sportsmen  to 
return  to  their  several  castles,  mansions, 
and  parks,  not  forgetting  the  unpreten- 
tious cottage  orne,  laden  with  tons  of 
Doncaster  butter-scotch,  or  the  means 
wherewithal  to  purchase  the  same.  1 
regret  to  say,  that  although  we  are  well 
into  the  partridge  season,  no  boxes  of  the 
succulent  flyer  of  the  moors  have  yet 
reached  me  from  my  numerous  patrons. 
Possibly  this  fact  accounts  for  several 
dinner-parties  which  I  understand  you 
gave  recently  j  but  to  which  entertain- 
ments you  omitted  to  bid 

Your  faithful  servant, 

DARBY  JONES. 

[We  ought,  perhaps,  to  mention  that  a  basket, 
addressed  to  D.  3.,  and  labelled  "Game — with 
care,"  did  reach  this  office  on  or  about  August  14. 
In  deference  to  the  Sanitary  Inspector  we  opened 
the  hamper,  and  found  that  it  contained  what  we 
took  to  be  sweepings  from  Leadenhall  Market. 
Perhaps  Mr.  Joxus  will  kindly  forward  the  sum  of 
5s.  Id.  paid  out  for  carriage  ? — ED.] 


ALL   VEEY   FINE   AND    LAEGE ! 
(A  Straight  Tip  to  Cutting  Tobacconists.) 

FINE-CUT  tobaccos  are  all  very  fine, 
But  fine-cut  profits  make  trade  decline. 
Honest   small   traders   must   fall    at  the 

charge 

Of  profits  too  small  in  shops  too  large. 
Selling  at  cost-price,  or  at  a  loss, 
Reduces  business  to  pitch-and-toss ; 
And    he    is    the    CAIN    among    business 

brothers 

Who  seeks  success  in  ruining  others. 
Would-be  monopolists,  this  is  no  joke, 
But — something  to  put  in  your  pipes  and 

smoke  1 


A  DEER  INSECT. — The  stag-beetle. 


THE  PULL  OF  THE  POSTERS. 

(An  imaginary  Sketch  of  what  is  not  of 
necessity  an  impossibility.) 

["  The  County  Council  have  under  consideration 
the  advisability  of  .letting  out  the  hoardings  put  up 
to  shield  condemned  dwelling-houses  for  advertise- 
ments."— Daily  Paper. "\ 

"BUT  I  assure  you  that  it  is  in  excel- 
lent repair,"  urged  the  landlord. 

"How  can  you  say  that,"  calmly  asked 
the  official,  pointing  to  a  fractured  pane 
of  glass,  "in  the  face  of  that  broken  win- 
dow ?  " 

"It  can  be  mended.     It  can,  indeed." 

"  And  see  that  crack  in  the  wall.  That 
is  fatal  to  its  stability." 

"  I  see  no  crack,"  observed  the  landlord, 
mournfully. 

"Take  my  microscope,  and  the  fissure 
will  be  clearly  discernible."  And  the  offi- 
cial handed  the  instrument  that  had  been 
such  a  valuable  auxiliary  to  the  naked  eye. 
After  a  careful  inspection  the  two  men 
resumed  their  glasses — the  inspector  his 
eye-glass  and  the  inspected  his  pince-nez. 

Then  the  landlord  made  a  last  appeal. 
He  pointed  out  that  the  house  was  in 
better  condition  than  many,  than  most  of 
its  fellows.  Considering  that  it  was  at 
the  apex  of  an  angle  of  streets,  it  bore 
the  attacks  of  the  wind  and  storm  won- 
derfully well. 

"  That  is  the  worst  of  it,"  said  the  offi- 
cial. "  You  see,  your  house  is  so  well 
situated.  It  can  be  seen  for  half  a  mile 
either  way." 

"  But  why  is  that  an  objection  ?  If  it 
were  pulled  down  the  hoarding  would  be 
up  for  months — possibly  years." 

"That  has  decided  the  question,"  re- 
sponded the  until-now  wavering  official. 
"  Your  tenement  must  come  down." 

The  landlord  bowed  his  head,  and  knew 
his  house  was  doomed.  He  sorrowfully 
walked  away. 

"  And  now,  Sir,"  said  the  official,  turn- 
ing to  a  cloaked  figure,  "I  am  in  a  posi- 
tion to  deal  with  you.  Nay,  concealment 
is  no  longer  necessary.  You  can  relin- 
quish your  disguise." 

Thus  invited,   the  newcomer  discarded 


his  mask  and  slouch  hat,  and  went  into 
figures  about  the  value  of  advertisement 
stations,  especially  at  street  corners. 


Rhodesia   Restored. 
(By  a  Well-wisher  to  the  East  Africa  Co.) 

THE  E.  A.  C.'s  gold-grubbing  craze 
Mischief,  perchance,  forbodes; 

But  if  they  will  but  mend  their  ways, 
They  may  repair  their  RHODES. 


MRS.  PHOSSYL  writes  to  inquire  why 
the  papers  state  that  "Home  Railways 
are  flat."  She  does  not  know  of  any 
mountainous  line  in  England,  though  she 
las  been,  of  course,  up  the  Righi. 


130 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  12,  1896. 


THE    WORM    THAT    TURNS-TOO    MUCH. 


Angler.  "Now  THEN,  SAUNDERS,  HURRY  up  WITH  THAT  ROD  !  "• 
Gillie.  "  BIDE  A   WEE,    MASTER  WULLIE,  BIDE   A   WEE  !      EH-H  ! 

WUR-R-MS   SAE    WILD   TO   THE  HOOK  AS  THEY   ARE  THE   DAY  !  " 


A   NEVER   KENT  THE 


THE  INVESTOR'S  GUARDIAN. 

(Submitted for  consideration  during  the  Recess.) 

Question.  To  whom  does  the  originator 
of  a  company  of  limited  liability  at  all 
times  pay  the  greatest  attention? 

Answer.  To  the  investor  desirous  of 
finding  suitable  employment  for  his 
money. 

Q.  Must  an  investor  be  a  millionaire  to 
suit  tho  purposes  of  the  promoter? 

A.  Not  at  all,  for,  in  the  establishment 
of  a  company,  fifty  one-pound  shareholders 
are  just  as  remunerative  as  ten  five-pound 
shareholders. 

Q.  But  how  can  the  many  learn  the  ad- 
vantages of  the  institution  the  promoter 
desires  to  establish? 

A.  Through  the  valuable  aid  of  adver- 
tisements in  the  Press. 


Q.  Do  not  reclames  cost  money  ? 

A.  They  require  either  cash  or  credit. 

Q.  Is  there  not  a  mode  of  collecting  the 
necessary  capital  without  running  any 
risk  of  failure  ? 

A.  Yes ;  by  getting  an  already-esta- 
blished company  to  underwrite  the  shares. 

Q.  When  the  prospectus  is  launched, 
what  further  step  becomes  desirable  ? 

A.  It  is  considered  by  experts  a  geod 
plan  to  give  the  new  venture  a  hearty 

send-off "  by  inviting  chosen  represen- 
tatives of  the  Press  to  dinner. 

Q.  But  how  does  this  banquet  affect  the 
fortunes  of  the  Isle  of  Sky  and  Golden 
Eldorado  Copper  Mines  of  Timbuctoo, 
Limited,  or  some  corporation  of  a  kindred 
nature  ? 

A.  It  has  the  desired  effect  of  suggest- 
ing to  the  chairman  of  the  company  that 
the  promoter  can  command  the  services 


of  the  journalist  with  the  aid  of  a  menu 
card. 

Q.  Is  the  title  of  the  promoted  com- 
pany of  the  first  importance  ? 

A.  Certainly ;  for  the  title  is  the  hook 
(baited  with  the  names  of  suitable  direc- 
tors) that  is  intended  to  catch  the  golden 
fish  swimming  in  the  direction  of  Capel 
Court. 

Q.  Describe  a  "suitable  director." 

A.  A  suitable  director  is  a  person  with 
a  title  or  a  reputation,  who  does  not  mind 
advertising  either  or  both  at  the  head  of 
a  prospectus. 

Q.  After  becoming  a  director,  what 
does  this  suitable  person  do  ? 

A.  If  he  be  wise,  he  will  hold  his 
tongue,  receive  his  fees,  and  if  he  have 
any  shares  in  the  company,  be  ready  at 
a  moment's  notice  to  unload. 

Q.  What  is  "  unloading  "  ? 

A.  The  operation  of  giving  up  the  old 
love  for  some  later  fancy.  Wnen  it  is 
coukur  de  rose,  and  shares  are  at  a  pre- 
mium, then  is  the  time  to  realize. 

Q.  When  his  cash  has  been  paid,  what 
should  the  promoter  do? 

A.  Gracefully  retire  from  his  esta- 
blished venture,  and  promote  something 
else. 

Q.  What  is  the  customary  fate  of  the 
company  promoter? 

A.  A  long  run  for  his  money,  gene- 
rally followed  by  an  equally  long  run 
from  his  creditors. 


THE  THREE  0*8. 

(By  a  Common  Chap.) 

["  The  teaching  of  cookery  is  perhaps  the  most 
practical  form  in  which  elementary  schools  con- 
tribute to  the  material  welfare  of  the  community." 

Daily  News.} 
AH  !  them  "  Three  R's  "  is  mighty  fine, 

But  if  you  're  poor,  and  a  bread-winner, 
You  know  the  virtue — when  you  dine — 

Of  sitting  to  a  well-cooked  dinner ! 
Pianner-playin'  we  can  shirk, 

Likeways  recitin'  potry  passages; 
But  when  a  cove  comes  'ome  from  work, 

There 's  comfort  in  some  'ot  fried  sas- 

sages. 
Then  taters,  too.     Not  arf  bad  tack, 

If  the  old  hen  knows  'ow  to  bile  'em, 
But  then,  yer  see,  that  needs  some  knack, 

And  'eaps  o'  working  women  spile  'em. 
There  's  my  old  woman — bless  her  heart, 

She  's  a  good  sort — but  a  rank  duffer 
At  makin'  of  a  rhubub  tart, 

And  so  my  teeth — and  temper — suffer. 
Now,  NELL,  my  gal.  at  the  Board  School 

'As  larned  a  bit  o  kitchen  gumption  ; 
And  though  I  rank  as  a  old  fool, 

In  who  it  might  be  thought  persumption 
To  give  advice  to  them,  my  betters, 

Who  says  we  must  be  edicated, 
I  say  there 's  more  to  larn  than  letters. 

NBLLT,  as  I  Ve  aready  stated, 
Can  cook  a  chop  or  make  a  stew, 

Or  fake  cold  scraps  to  somethink  tasty, 
Give  tips  to  her  old  mother,  too, 

Who  means  well,  but  is  awful  wasty. 
We  keeps  no  sarvent— reason  why, 

It  won't  run  to  it  in  our  station ; 
But  when  young  NELL  made  her  fust  pie, 

We  felt  the  good  of  edication. 
And  if  the  School  Board  wants  to  send 

Comfort  to  many  a  'umble  rookery, 
It 's  bound  to  play  the  poor  man's  friend 

By  teaching  of  our  gals  Cheap  Cookery. 
That  makes  two  C's,  and  for  the  third, 

Comfort  is  pooty  sure  to  foller. 
And  though  perhaps  it  sounds  absurd, 

For    Home    they    beat   the    Three    R's 
holler ! 


SEPTEMBER  12,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR     THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI. 


131 


FIRST 


Clerk jtf Booking-Office.   "THERE  is  NO  FIBST  CLASS  BY  THIS  TRAIN,  SIR. 
'Arry.   "THEN  WOT  ARE  WE  GOING  TER  DO,  BILL?" 


THE  DEATH  OF  THE  DANCE. 

A  TURVEYDROPPIAN   LAMENT. 

["  I  had  rather  be  old  and  teach  deportment  than  be  young  and  leach 
people  to  romp  the  barn -dance.  "—^4  Speaker  at  the  recent  meetmj  of  the 
British  Association  of  Teachers  of  Dancing.'] 

OH  !  what  has  become  of  deportment  in  dancing  ? 

The  dance  of  to-day  is  no  dance,  but  a  romp ! 
The  once  "  light  fantastic  "  is  now  heavy  prancing, 

Befitting  a  big  Flanders  horse,  or  VAN  TROMP. 
A  Dutchman  in  knickers  full  primed  with  dull  liquors, 

Galumphing  around  in  a  heavy-heeled  style, 
\\  ere  as  dear  to  the  Muse  as  the  clumsy  high-kickers, 

Whose  antics  might  make  e'en  an  elephant  smile. 
Terpsichore's  rulings  and  Turveydrop's  schoolings 

Are  wholly  ignored  in  the  balls  of  to-day. 
Delicate  footings  would  now  be  dubbed  foolings  ; 

All  "  steps  "  disappear — lounging  languor's  dull  way ! 
To  "walk  through"  a  sluggish  quadrille  like  a  yokel, 

Or  kick  up  your  heels  in  a  vulgar  barn-dance, 
Seems  the  choice  of  automata  limp  and  unvocal, 

Spasmodic  of  limb,  and  despondent  of  glance. 
Oh  !  where  are  the  gallant  old  beaux  plump  and  bloomy  ? 

^And  where  are  the  belles,  with  their  prim  pointed  toes, 
Who  ambled  with  unction  through  halls  high  and  roomy, 

Arch-eyed,  pink  of  cheek,  and  tip-tilted  of  nose  ? 
It 's  really  too  shocking,  this  languorous  mocking 

Of  old-fashioned  elegance,  vigour,  and  verve! 
The  generous  glimpse  of  an  open-worked  stocking 

Our  youths  seldom  thrill  with,  and  scarcely  deserve. 
What  great  house  and  Court  meant  to  pooh-pooh  deportment, 

Punctilious  step  and  elaborate  bow ; 
To  tolerate  dawdlers  in  dreary  assortment, 

Who  pose  like  pump-handles  and  dance — anyhow ; 


Why  "  pantaloons  "  natty  and  "  pumps  "  prim  and  pointed 

Give  way  to  cylindrical  "  bags,"  who  can  tell  ? 
A  maundering  mollusk,  dejected,  disjointed, 

Our  "  dancing  "  young  fellow,  or  drawing-room  "  swell." 
What  profits  plump  calf  or  trim,  tightly-hosed  ankle 

If  hid  by  cloth  tube  or  full  floor-sweeping  skirt  ? 
What  profits  complaint?     Yet  such  horrors  will  rankle, 

And  Turveydrop  tenderness  terribly  hurt. 
Nay,  MENDELSSOHN'S  "  Boamer"  as  rendered  by  FOLET, 

Might  well  say  "  what  profiteth  arm,  leg,  or  span," 
In  square  dance  mechanic,  or  waltz  melancholy, 

Unless  they  be  used,  as  of  old,  "  like  a  man "  ? 

THOUGHTLESS  MANAGERIAL  CONDUCT-NO  UNDER-STUDIES. 

(See  "  Greenroom  Rumours  for  September.") 

"  IN  consequence  of  the  annual  holiday  of  Mr.  RUPERT  SNAOGS, 
the  Jocularity  Theatre  will  be  closed  for  the  next  six  weeks." 

"  Madame  KLARINSKA  KORDOVA  being  under  contract  to 
supply  herself  with  a  three  months'  rest,  the  successful  run  cf 
the  charming  opera  Tweedledee  and  Tweedledum  has  been  un- 
avoidably interrupted.  It  will,  however,  probably  be  replaced 
on  the  boards  in  April  next." 

"  Mr.  GUSHINGTON  JONES,  the  eminent  comedian,  has  been  the 
victim  of  a  sad  misunderstanding.  It  appears  that  this  rising 
young  histrion,  during  his  recent  visit  to  the  United  States 
(when  his  nightly  income  exceeded  that  of  the  Prime  Minister), 
purchased  an  exceedingly  fine  grey  mare  of  the  true  blue-grass 
blood.  Unfortunately,  some  hitch  has  arisen  in  connection  with 
the  delivery  of  the  animal  in  this  country,  and  Mr.  "  GUSH  " 
(as  he  is  affectionately  termed  by  his  colleagues)  has  been 
summoned  across  the  Atlantic  Ocean  by  cable.  This  naturally 
terminates  the  career  (for  the  present)  of  the  phenomenal 
musical  comedy,  The  Black  Cockatoo." 


132 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  12,  1896. 


DOING    TIME." 

(Fancy  Sporting  Sketch— Old  Style.) 


LIFE  IN  A  MOTOR-VILLA. 

(Being  Pages  from  a  very  Modern  Log-look.) 

Monday. — Capital  idea  that  about  motor-houses  I  heard  the 
other  day.  Must  invest  in  one  at  once.  MARIA  is  charmed  with 
the  notion.  Says  she  's  too  stout  for  cycling,  and  never  gets 
change  of  air.  .  .  .  Just  been  to  the  agent's — most  obliging  man 
— showed  us  round  his  works,  and  gave  us  several  trial  runs. 
He  has  got  quite  a  little  village  on  wheels,  .from  a  family 
mansion,  weighing  3,000  tons,  with  lodge  and  front  drive  com- 
plete, down  to  a  delightful  little  six-roomed  touring  cottage,  with 
creepers,  verandah,  mudguard,  cow-catcher,  and  automatic 
brake — just  the  thing  for  a  newly-married  couple.  However, 
we  eventually  decided  on  a  stylish-looking,  but  solidly-built 
petroleum-fed  villa,  about  400  tons  in  weight,  with  pneumatic 
tyres  and  a  small  front  garden  for  the  children,  guaranteed  to  go 
ten  miles  an  hour  against  head  winds,  and  insured  against  colli- 
sions and  explosions.  Took  it  on  a  three  years'  lease,  and  en- 
gaged an  engineer  on  the  spot,  but  mean  to  drive  it  myself  as 
much  as  possible.  Had  it  sent  round  to  Oxford  Street  to-night. 
We  shall  have  to  embark  early  to-morrow  morning  as  the  whole 
street  is  on  the  move,  and  the  rush  of  houses  out  of  town  is 
something  tremendous  just  now.  Have  already  christened  it 
"  Roly  "—short  for  Petroleum  Villa. 

Tuesday,  4  A.M. — Roly  was  rather  restive  during  the  night, 
and  wanted  to  start  off  on  its  own  accord  before  daybreak, 
having  had  a  double  allowance  of  oil.  I  am  sorry  to  say  it  tore 
up  the  lamp-post  to  which  it  was  tethered,  but  was  chased  by 
a  policeman  and  brought  back  safely.  No  other  damage  done, 
except  a  shop  window  stove  in  and  a  bit  of  our  front  garden 
chipped  off.  .  .  .  We  got  away  a  little  later  than  originally  in- 
tended, owing  to  the  cook  having  struck,  saying  she  wasn't 
a-going  to  ride  in  a  gipsy  caravan.  We  finally  arranged  to 
double  her  wages.  The  nurse  nearly  fell  overboard  with  the 
baby,  but  MARIA  managed  to  stop  her  in  time.  Also  TOMMY 
was  lost  at  the  last  moment,  but  we  found  him  at  last,  eating 
tarts  in  the  engine-room,  next  to  the  kitchen.  He  was  in  a 
dreadful  state,  all  over  oil.  Little  MAUDIB  was  rather  fractious 
at  her  strange  surroundings,  and  her  cries  attracted  the  attention 
of  the  police,  who  requested  us  to  move  on.  This  we  did  about 
six  o'clock,  after  taking  in  the  milk.  I  myself  drove,  MARIA 
keeping  a  lookout  from  a  bedroom  window.  I  managed  very 
well,  with  hints  from  the  engineer,  though  I  ran  into  the  Marble 
Arch  shortly  after  starting,  which  delayed  us  a  bit.  However, 
our  abode  held  very  well  together,  and  we  only  dropped  a 
chimney-pot  and  a  window-sash.  We  had  an  exciting  race  vath 
another  villa  going  west,  and  were  nearly  being  beaten,  when 


the  latter,  in  trying  to  pass  us  on  the  wrong  side  of  the  road, 
fouled  the  Park  railings  and  exploded.  We  then  forged  ahead, 
and  turned  south  towards  the  river,  oiling  up  at  Putney  Bridge. 
I  began  to  find  the  amount  of  petroleum  consumed  rather 
heavy,  having  used  up  a  large  cisternful  in  the  morning.  Still, 
I  found  the  motion  pleasant,  but  the  housemaid  was  rather  sea- 
sick, and  gave  notice.  GLADYS  fell  out  of  the  nursery  window, 
on  to  a  passing  cart,  fortunately,  so  we  recovered  her  without 
much  trouble.  We  nearly  stuck  fast  on  the  bridge,  but  managed 
eventually  to  squeeze  through,  though  we  upset  the  front  gate 
and  part  of  the  garden  walk  into  the  river.  Nothing  further 
happened  till  we  got  to  Barnes,  where  we  anchored  for  the  day. 
Our  nerves  were  somewhat  shaken,  and  we  were  rather  glad  of 
a  stoppage.  There  were  also  some  repairs  to  be  done,  and  the 
engineer  had  to  be  discharged,  as  he  said  the  machine  required 
whisky.  He  rolled  off  the  back  yard,  so  I  declined  to  take  him 
aboard  again.  Shall  run  the  show  myself. 

Wednesday. — Roly  refused  to  budge  this  morning,  and,  un- 
luckily, a  local  grocer  threatened  to  sue  us  for  obstructing  his 
"  ancient  lights."  We  had  stopped  in  front  of  his  shop,  I  found. 
I  pointed  out  that  it  was  an  excellent  advertisement  for  him, 
but  he  would  not  listen  to  reason.  We  were  in  danger  of  getting 
mobbed,  when  somehow  the  apparatus  started  off  automatically, 
and  ran  away  with  us  in  the  direction  of  Wimbledon  Common. 
Here  we  got  off  the  tracks  entirely,  and,  after  a  series  of  mis- 
haps, landed  in  a  gravel-pit.  MARIA  made  some  rather  unkind 
remarks  about  my  bad  steering.  I  admitted  I  was  only  a 
beginner,  but  I  pointed  out  that  we  were  in  a  most  fortunate 
position  (though  undoubtedly  somewhat  badly  bunkered),  as 
gravel  was  now,  so  to  speak,  laid  on,  and  we  could  execute^some 
needful  repairs  on  our  front  walk.  The  roof  was  slightly 
damaged  by  the  fall,  and  showed  signs  of  caving  in,  anoT  the 
dining-room  floor  gave  way,  but  otherwise  Roly  was  as  nt  as 
ever.  We  decided  to  picnic  for  dinner  among  the  furze-bushes, 
and  bivouacked  for  the  night  outside,  just  as  a  change.  No 
further  incident  occurred,  and  the  villa  was  quite  quiet  through- 
out the  night. 

Thursday. — I  spent  the  best  part  of  the  day  trying  to  get  our 
abode  out  of  the  gravel-pit.  We  effected  it  at  last,  with  the  aid 
of  six  steam-cranes,  only  to  find  that  both  our  hind  wheels  \\ere 
punctured.  This  caused  further  delay,  and  we  had  almost  to 
turn  Roly  upside  down.  MARIA  was  considerably  upset,  ard 
GLADYS  rolled  down  the  stairs  and  landed  in  the  gorse.  We  got 
under  way  at  last,  but  did  not  go  far,  as  we  stopped  at  Rayne's 
Park  to  pay  a  call.  Our  friend  was  delighted  at  seeing  we 
had  brought  the  whole  establishment  round.  She  said  the 
mountain  was  going  to  Mahomet,  after  all.  Whether  the  villa 
was  trying  to  show  off  or  not  I  don't  know,  but  we  finished  the 
evening  by  demolishing  Mrs.  E.'s  front  hedge,  and  generally 
damaging  the  landscape. 

Friday. — An  off-day — that  is  to  say,  we  were  off,  and  lost  our 
way  completely.  A  fog  came  on — most  unusual  in  August — 
and  we  ran  over  an  old  woman,  though  only  going  half-speed 
and  blowing  foghorns  all  the  time.  After  that  we  hove  to. 

Saturday. — Our  at-home  day,  but  no  callers,  as  our  friends  had 
apparently  been  unable  to  catch  us  up.  The  postman  also  had 
failed  to  discover  our  whereabouts.  After  waiting  till  past  tea- 
time  we  made  a  move  for  Sutton,  and  soon  set  off  at  a  brisk 
pace.  We  passed  a  good  many  other  motor-villas,  detached  and 
semi-detached  (or  tandem),  going  along  the  Brighton  road  for 
the  week-end.  MARIA  thought  she  would  like  to  drive  for  a 
change,  while  I  steered  from  the  front  gate.  I  successfully 
eluded  two  tax-collectors  and  a  gas-man,  and  knocked  one  cr 
two  writters  down.  We  met  the  DE  SNOOKSES  in  their  auto- 
bungalow  going  from  Morden  to  Mitcham,  but  they  were  pur- 
suing such  an  erratic  course  that  we  had  to  back  into  a  hedge  to 
let  them  pass.  Several  large  boarding-houses  and  a  family  hotel 
overtook  us,  cutting  up  the  roadway  frightfully.  They  ought 
not  to  be  allowed  to  go  more  than  ten  miles  an  hour.  Near 
Benhilton,  Roly  jibbed  rather  at  a  dog-cart,  horses  being  such 
a  strange  survival  in  these  days.  At  last  MARIA  put  on  a 
spurt,  and  automoted  in  fine  style  up  Sutton  High  Street. 
Unluckily,  on  nearing  the  top,  the  gradient  proved  too  strong 
for  our  tonnage,  and  our  wheels  began  to  go  round  the  wrong 
way.  We  rapidly  descended  the  hill,  back  yard  first;  We 
charged  the  church,  tore  up  the  pavement,  cannoned  into  a 
public-house,  leaving  our  night-nursery  behind.  MARIA  then 
quite  lost  her  head,  while  the  steering  apparatus  got  beyond  n.y 
control.  With  a  superhuman  effort,  however,  I  managed  to 
direct  Roly  at  the  gasworks,  which  blew  up  on  the  impact, 
severely  shaking  the  baby.  We  then  came  to  a  standstill,  and 
were  taken  in  charge  by  the  local  policeman  for  furious  moting. 
On  the  whole,  we  have  had  quite  an  exciting  little  expedition, 
and  shall  not  be  averse  to  a  Sunday  rest. 


SEPTEMBER  19,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


133 


A    FRIENDLY    REBUKE. 

"THANKS  FOR  A    VERY    PLEASANT    EVENING,    AND    GOOD-NIGHT, 

H  ERR  PROFESSOR.     I  'M  SORRY  TO  HAVE  TO  LEAVE  YOU  so  EARLY  ! ' 

"Acn!  FRXULEIN,  WHEN  YOU  COME  TO  SEE  us,  YOUR  STAYS    \RE 

ALWAYS  SO  SHORT  !  " 


ROUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

''THE  UNIVERSAL  LITERARY  SUPPLY  COMPANY,   LIMITED." 

I  HAVE  just  gone  through  a  startling  experience,  and  I  desire 
to  communicate  the  details  to  the  public  before  they  shall  have 
faded  from  my  memory.  It  is  of  course  a  mere  truism  to  say 
that  many  strange  things  are  being  done  in  our  very  midst  with- 
out our  being  in  the  least  aware  of  them  ;  but  it  is  certainly 
extraordinary  that  anything  connected  with  literature  should  at 
the  present  day  remain  hid,  for  has  not  the  man  in  the  street 
taken  to  literature,  and  do  not  countless  periodicals,  illustrated 
interviews,  articles  on  "  How  I  do  my  work,"  with  flash-light 
photographs  of  eminent  authors  in  the  act  of  composition — do 
not  all  these  prove  how  deep  and  wide-spread  is  the  public  inte- 
rest in  all  matters  of  literary  concern  ?  There  are  reasons,  no 
doubt,  which  would  lead  those  who  know  the  institution  of  which 
I  am  going  to  speak  to  keep  their  knowledge  to  themselves. 
These  reasons,  however,  do  not  affect  me ;  my  withers  are  un- 
wrung,  though  many  a  galled  jade  will  wince  when  I  have  finished 
my  story.  To  my  task,  therefore. 


I  HAPPENED — it  was  on  Friday  last — to  be  wandering  in  one 
of  the  less  frequented  streets  in  the  neighbourhood  of  the  Mile 
End  Road,  when  my  attention  was  arrested  by  a  small  black 
board  hung  over  the  entrance  of  a  dingy  block  of  buildings.  I 
scarcely  know  why  I  should  have  stopped ;  perhaps  it  was  an 
intuition,  perhaps  it  was  a  mere  chance.  Anyhow,  stop  I  did, 
and  read  the  following  advertisement,  painted  in  dirty  white 
letters  on  the  board: — "The  Universal  Literary  Supply  Co., 
Limited.  Office  hours,  10  to  6.  Knock  and  ring."  Impelled 
by  an  irresistible  curiosity,  I  knocked  and  rang.  There  was  a 
shuffle  of  feet  in  the  passage,  the  door  was  half  opened,  and  the 
untidy  face  of  a  house-wench  peered  dubiously  at  me.  "I  called 
— I  mean,  I  wanted  to  see "  I  began. 

"  Want  to  see  the  manager,  I  suppose,"  she  interrupted  ; "  'e  's 
'avin  a  sangwich  and  a  pint  just  now,  and  p'raps  if  you  'd  call 

again "  At  this  point,  a  door  on  an  upper  floor  was  opened, 

and  a  gruff  male  voice,  rendered  thick  by  the  mastication  of 
bread  and  meat,  called  down,  "  What 's  up,  SALLY  ?  " 

"  Another  on  'em  wants  to  see  you,  Sir." 

"  All  right,  let  him  in." 


"  Come,  in  Sir,"  she  said  to  me  ;  "  fust  door  on  the  right  on  the 
fust  landin'.  Mind  yer  'at."  I  minded  my  hat,  and  walked 
upstairs. 

THE  door  indicated  was  open,  and  I  stepped  in.  I  found 
myself  in  an  immense  room,  brilliantly  lit  by  electricity.  Some 
fifty  clerks  were  busily  writing  at  desks,  and  hardly  noticed 
my  entrance.  The  walls  were  lined  with  cupboards  and  shelves, 
all  lettered  and  numbered.  Huge  iron  boxes  were  ranged  all 
round  the  room.  The  atmosphere  was  heavy,  a  sort  of  mixture 
of  foolscap,  ink,  type-writers,  proof-sheets,  copying-presses,  beer 
whisky,  and  biscuits.  I  cannot  remember  ever  having  noticed  air  of 
this  peculiar  kind  anywhere  else,  and  yet,  somehow,  I  recognised 
it  at  once  as  familiar.  I  breathed  it  in  with  immense  gusto, 
and  my  hand  strayed  mechanically  to  the  pocket  in  which  I  keep 
my  note-book.  I  did  not  know  what  notes  I  was  going  to  set 
down,  but  I  felt  that  I  must  write  something.  Before  I  could 
do  so,  however,  an  elderly  man,  with  a  grey  moustache,  a  red 
face,  a  brown  alpacca  jacket,  a  turn-down  collar,  a  brilliant  red 
tie,  baggy  shepherd's  plaid  trousers,  carpet-slippers,  and  with 
three  quill  pens  stuck  behind  his  right  ear,  came  up  to  me  and 
addressed  me. 

"I  PRESUME,"  he  said,  "that  you  have  the  usual  intro- 
duction ?  " 

"Introduction?"  I  faltered.  "I  don't  quite  know.  What 
kind  of  introduction  do  you  mean  ?  " 

"  Oh,  well,  any  introduction  will  do.  We  prefer  a  note  from 
an  editor,  but  publishers  are  accepted.  Yes,  we  've  done  a  lot 
of  business  through  publishers.  Of  course,  we  can't  supply 
everybody — we  do  our  best,  but  the  business  has  grown  so 
enormously  that  we  find  that  we  can't  accept  fresh  customers 
without  an  introduction." 

"  Of  course,  of  course,"  I  said  ;  "  I  quite  see  that ;  but  I  'm 
afraid  I  omitted  to  provide  myself  with  one.  I  saw  your  notice, 
and  as  it  said  you  were  universal,  I  thought  I  'd  step  in.  But 
perhaps  a  cheque  would  do,  a  cheque  signed  by  an  editor,  I  mean. 
I  Ve  got  one  or  two  about  me." 

"Oh,  yes,  a  cheque  would  do,  though  it's  rather  unusual. 
We  should  not  undertake  to  cash  it,  but  if  it  is  drawn  for  any- 
thing over  £5  there  would  be  no  difficulty." 

As  luck  would  have  it  I  had  that  very  morning  received  a 
cheque  for  precisely  that  amount  from  dear  old  BOLDERS,  the 
editor  of  "  Snapshots,  with  which  is  incorporated  The  Baffle."  I 
produced  it  with  a  certain  modest  pride.  The  effect  was  instan- 
taneous. 

"  My  dear  Sir,"  said  the  manager,  "  such  a  reference  is  ample. 
We  shall  be  proud  to  open  an  account  with  you.  What  might 
you  require  P  " 

This  was  another  poser.  I  really  had  no  notion  what  I  re- 
quired ;  indeed,  I  didn't  know  what  class  of  goods  the  establish- 
ment supplied. 

"Perhaps,"  I  ventured  to  say,  "I  might  take  a  look  round 
first.  I  shall  probably  want  a  large  order  executed." 

"  By  all  means ;  delighted  to  show  you  round  myself.  All  our 
articles,  I  may  mention,  are  of  the  very  best.  We  receive  them 
direct  from  the  manufacturers.  Now,  here,"  he  continued,  tap- 
ping one  of  the  iron  boxes,  "  here  we  have  a  large  consignment 
of  heroines." 

"Of  what?"  I  gasped. 

"  Of  heroines,"  he  went  on,  without  moving  a  muscle ; 
"  heroines  of  novels,  you  know.  We  used  to  let  them  have  the 
run  of  the  place,  but  during  the  last  year  or  two  we  found  they 
carried  on  so  dreadfully  with  the  clerks,  and  put  such  curious 
ideas  about  marriage  and  all  that  into  their  heads,  that  we  've  had 
to  keep  them  shut  up.  The  mothers  of  the  clerks  complained  a 
good  deal,  and  it 's  always  best  to  avoid  rows.  Shall  I  show  you 
one  or  two  ?  " 

(To  be  continued.) 

An  Unpublished  Soliloquy. 

(Picked  up  in  an  Imperial  Railway  Carriage.) 

["  The  KAISER  and  the  TZAR  tenderly  embraced  one  another,  when  parting 

at  Gorlitz."] 
DEAR  WILHELM,  many  and  many  a  time 

I  've  longed  your  Teuton  nose  to  tweak. 
To  do  so  now  would  be  a  crime, 

Since  I  have  hugged  your  matchless  cheek. 

FROM  OTTR  OWN  IRREPRESSIBLE  JOKER  (in  want  of  bail). — Q. 
Why  should  a  sea-captain  be  invaluable  in  a  shop  ?  A.  Because 
he  is  usually  a  good  counter  skipper. 


134  PUNCH,     OR     THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI.  [SEPTEMBER  19,  1896. 


"NOTHING    NEW    UNDER    THE    SUN." 

(Cycling  kncnen  to  Shakspeare.) 

Messenger.  SPIES  OF  THE  VOLCES 

HELD  ME  IN  CHASE,  THAT  I  ""WAS  FORCSD  TO  WHSSL 
THKEE  OR  FOUR  MILES  ABOUT." — Corwlanus  Act  I.,  Sc.  6. 


MEETINGS  IN  THE  NORTH— NEW  STYLE. 

(As  arranged_by  the  Commissioners  of  H.M.'s  Office  of  Works.) 

SCENE — Holyrood  Park.        TIME — Noon. 
PRESENT — EDWIN  and  ANGELINA,  seated  beneath  the  trees. 

Angelina  (with  enthusiasm).  I  can  assure  you  the  piece  was 
most  amusing.  The  villain  said,  raising  his  arm,  "I  have  been 
the  cause  of  the  death  of  your  brother." 

Edwin  (apprehensively).  My  own  one,  pray  be  careful,  you  art 
giving  a  representation. 

Angelina  (astonished).  And  why  not?  Surely  I  can  tell  you 
what  I  saw  at  the  theatre. 

Edwin  (sotto  voce).  My  own,  I  fear  that  the  Commissioners, 
unless  they  authorise  it,  will  not  allow  it. 

Angelina  (with  a  smile).  How  absurd.  (Continuing  her 
story.)  You  see  he  laid  his  hand  upon  her  arm  like  this. 

Edwin  (looking  around  in  alarm).  Oh,  don't,  dear.  As  a 
barrister  I  must  tell  you  that  that  gesture  may  be  taken  as  an 
"  action  in  dumb  show."  You  are  really  seriously  infringing 
the  by-laws. 

Angelina  (pouting).  You  are  very  disagreeable.  I  always 
tl  ought  you  so  clever  1  And  now  I  believe  you  are  dull  and 
silly! 

Edwin  (distressed).  My  angel,  you  know  that  I  would  not 
harm  a  hair  of  your  head ;  still,  it  is  only  right  to  say  that  such 
a  speech  as  yours  might  be  held  as  an  act  calculated  to  provoke 
a  breach  of  the  peace. 

Angelina  (testily).  You  wish  to  irritate  me! 

Edwin  (imploringly).  How  can  you  say  such  cruel  things  I 
But  Holyrood  is  now  under  new  rules,  and  we  must  be  bound 
by  them. 


Angelina  (after  a  moment's  consideration).  Well,  we  must 
wait  until  we  return  to  London.  We  will  continue  our  conver- 
sation in  Kensington  Gardens. 

Edwin  (mournfully).  Alas!  loved  one,  that  would  not  better 
the  situation!  The  rules  apply  equally  to  them,  and  to  St. 
James's  Park,  the  Green  Park,  Regent's  Park,  Primrose  Hill, 
Greenwich  Park,  Kew  Gardens,  Kew  Green,  Hampton  Court 
Gardens  and  Green,  Richmond  Park  and  Green,  Linlithgow  Peel 
and  Park,  the  Royal  Botanical  Gardens,  Edinburgh,  and  the 
Victoria  Tower  Gardens.  (Gently,  after  a  long  pause.)  My  own, 
my  dearest,  do  speak  to  me.  Come  (with  an  attempt  at  gaiety), 
a  penny  for  my  thoughts  ? 

Policeman  MacX.  (confronting  them).  Now,  Sir,  I  have 
caught  you  in  the  very  act.  Asking  for  a  penny  when  the  regu- 
lations say  "that  no  money  shall  be  solicited  or  collected  in 
connection  with  any  performance,  recitation,  or  representation, 
And  thinking  is  a  performance,  as  you  know  as  well  as  me. 

Edwin  (with  dignity).  Constable,  I  am  a  counsel.  If  you 
knew  the  by-laws  you  quote  so  glibly  you  would  be  aware  that 
all  this  may  be  done  "  by  permission  of  the  Commissioners  of 
Her  Majesty's  Office  of  Works." 

Angelina  (in  tears) .  Oh,  we  haven't  got  a  permission ! 

Policeman  MacX.  (sternly) .  Then,  Sir,  all  you  will  have  to  do 
is  to  pay  a  penalty  not  exceeding  £5.  That  is  when  the  charge 
is  proved. 

Edwin  (after  a  moment's  hesitation).  Constable,  you  are  a 
rrmn  cf  the  world.  Do  you  not  think  that  half-a-crown,  payable 
at  once  to  you,  would  do  as  well? 

[The  scene  closes  in  upon  Policeman  MacX.  considering. 


REAL  ATTTUMN  HANDY-CAP. — A  deerstalker. 


SEPTEMBER  19,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


135 


THE  NEWEST  PALACE  OF  (POSTER)  ART. 

(Fragments  of  the  Cryptic  Confession  of  a  Dis- 
illusionised Devotee  of  the  Subterhuman  and 
Anti-natural.) 

I  BUILT  my  soul  a  poster-pleasure-house, 
Wherein  at  ease  to  drowse  and  dwell. 
I  said,  "  Oh,  soul,  at  neo-pagan  nous, 
Dear  soul,  thou  art  a  swell  1 " 

A  railway  station  big  as  Charing  Cross 
I  chose.  Abundant  space  and  height 

Were  needful.     It  had  windows  green  as 

moss, 
Which  let  in  little  light. 

Posters  I  hung  on  every  ledge  and  shelf, 
O'er  wall-place  clear,  or  winding  stair. 

My  soul  could  live  alone  unto  herself 
With  her  ideals  there  I 

And   "while  the   world  plods  round   and 
round,"  I  said, 

"  Reign  thou  apart,  a  High- Art  king, 
Still  as  a  parrot  who,  its  supper  made, 

Sleeps  in  its  brazen  ring." 
To  which  my  soul  made  answer  like  a  shot, 

"  You  bet,  my  boy  1    Here  I  '11  abide 
Far  from  old  Nature's  inartistic  rot, 

In  superhuman  pride  1 " 

*  «  »  • 

Full  of  big  bills  and  small  the  palace  stood, 

All  various,  each  a  perfect  whole. 
Unknit  from  Nature,  fit  for  every  mood 

Of  my  superior  soul. 

For  some  were  hung  all  gaudy  green  and 
blue 

Like  Covent  Garden  at  the  morn  ; 
Imps  with  lank  cheeks  and  currant  eyes 
askew. 

And  wreathed  satyr-horn. 

One  seemed  all  black  and  red — like  Alum's 

sands — 

With  Something  ogling  there  alone, 
A     subterhuman     shape,     with     spectral 

hands, 
And  surplusage  of  bone. 

One    showed    an    inky   coast    and    steely 

waves, 

Shaped  like  flat-irons  big  and  small ; 
With  orange-coloured  nymphs  who  wanted 

shaves, 
Else  vestured  scarce  at  all. 

And  one  a  full-fed  satyr  waddling  slow, 
With  harpies  on  a  purple  plain, 

High-kicking  horrors  in  a  hideous  row, 
Dancing  like  imps  insane. 

And  one  a  causeway  black  with  chunks  and 

crags, 

Beyond  some  snaking  lights,  and  higher 
Two    haggard    shapes    with    serpentining 

scrags, 
And  eyes  of  lurid  fire. 

Nor    these    alone,    but    every    landscape 

queer, 

Smudge-slopped  and  inkily  be-lined, 
Haunted  by  vaporous  shapes  of  fiendish 

fear, 
Like  nought  that  is  designed. 

*  *  »  * 

Or   a   maid-monster   just  let   loose   from 
Styx, 

Nondescript,  nameless,  flat  of  form, 
Tangled  in  arabesques — a  curious  fix — 

Like  rigging  in  a  storm  : 

With  eyes  oblique  which  stared  but  could 

not  see, 

A  scarlet  porter's  knot  her  hair, 
Wound  round  green  temples ;   lips  curled 

Sky-blue  her  bosom  bare. 
Nor  these  alone  :  but  each  chimera  quaint 
Which  the  supreme  artistic  mind 


THE    ANCHOR'S    WEIGHED." 

(Sketched  on  an  Excursion  Steamer.} 


Shaped    from    the    inane,    was    there,   in 
lurid  paint, 

Like  nought  in  life  designed. 

*  •  *  * 

"  Oh,  all  things  rare  to  sate  my  morbid 

eyesl 
Oh,    shapes   and    hues    that    please    me 

well! 

Oh,  bogey  faces !     Oh,  mad  phantasies ! 
My  gods,  with  whom  I  dwell ! 

"  Oh,  High-Art  isolation  which  art  mine, 

I  can  but  count  thee  perfect  gain, 
Watching  the  drudging  droves  of  wash  and 

line, 
The  pretty  and  the  plain ! " 

«  »  *  • 

So  my  soul  throve  and  prospered,  several 
years 

She  boomed  it:  then  a  slump  befell — 
In  posters ;  though  the  public  has  long  ears, 

Horrors  no  more  would  sell. 

Deep  dread  and  loathing  of  sheer  solitude 
Fell  on  my  soul,  from  which  was  born 


Longing  for  beauty  and  for  human  mood, 
And  Freshness  of  the  morn. 

But  in  dark  corners  of  her  palace  stood 
Those  spectral  shapes ;  and  unawares 

She  shrank  from  phantasies  in   ink   and 

blood, 
Art's  horrible  nightmares ; 

And  shapeless  shades  wrapt  in  fuliginous 

flame, 

And  with  lewd  lips,  faun-foreheads,  all ; 
And    was    compelled    to    turn,    for   very 

shame, 
Their  faces  to  the  wall. 

»  »  •  • 

So  when  the  boom  was  wholly  finished, 

She  threw  its  relics  all  away. 
"  It  is  small  use  to  try  and  sell,"  she  said, 

"  Posters  no  longer  pay  1 
"  Yet    pull    not    down    my    palace    walls, 

which  are 

Substantially  and  strongly  built. 
Art  is  not  all  riddles  crepuscular, 
Of  subterhuman  guilt." 


136 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  19,  1896. 


Enthusiast.  "THIS  is  RATHER  A  GOOD  THING  I  PICKED  UP  THE  OTHER  DAY. 

IT  FLL  HAVE  TO   BE   RESTORED,    THOUGH." 

Flippant  Friend.  "WHY,  WHOM  DID  YOU  SNEAK  IT  FROM?" 


I  'M  AFRAID 


"A  WONNEE." 

AMONGST  much  interesting  reading  in 
the  current  number  of  the  always  fresh 
and  well-informed  Bookman,  is  a  review, 
signed  WILLIAM  WALLACE,  of  the  cente- 
nary edition  of  BURNS,  edited  by  Mr. 
HENLEY  and  Mr.  HENDERSON.  There 
have  been  many  WALLACES  since  "Scots 
wae  hae  "  bled  with  the  original  WILLIAM. 
A  glance  down  this  review  convinces 
TOBY,  M.P.,  that  this  particular  W.  W. 
is  none  other  than  his  esteemed  colleague 
in  the  House,  the  Member  for  Edinburgh. 
Mr.  WALLACE  does  not  like  Mr.  HENLEY, 
nor  does  he  hanker  after  Mr.  HENDERSON. 
They  have  the  same  effect  upon  him  as  is 
wrought  by  the  blameless  presence  of  the 


SQUIRE  OF  MALWOOD  seated  on  the  front 
Opposition  Bench  in  the  House  of  Com- 
mons. He  begins  his  article  in  the  self-re- 
strained manner  in  which  he  preluded  his 
last  attack  on  his  esteemed  leader  for 
temporary  absence  from  the  post  of  duty — 
a  homily  interrupted,  it  will  be  remem- 
bered, by  the  SQUIRE'S  solemnly  stalking 
in.  Before  proceeding  far  he  breaks  forth 
into  full  invective,  and  knocks  together 
the  heads  of  the  hapless  joint  editors  till 
one  does  not  know  which  is  HENLEY  and 
which  HENDERSON. 

Mr.  WALLACE'S  indignation  culminates  at 
the  discovery  that  the  editors  dismiss  the 
first  poem  in  the  first  volume,  "  The  Twa 
Dogs,"  without  note  explanatory  of  the 
epithet,  "Wee  blastit  wonner."  "What 


is  the  meaning  of  wonner  ? "  he  angrily 
asks.  If  he  really  wants  to  know, 
he  should  look  up  The,  Old  Curiosity 
Shop.  "Miss  SALLY'S  such  a  wonner, 
she  is,"  said  the  Marchioness,  on  the  oc- 
casion of  Dick  Swiveller's  first  visit  to  the 
kitchen  of  the  Brass  household.  "  Such 
a  what  ?  "  asked  Dick.  "  Such  a  wonner," 
the  Marchioness  repeated. 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

A  Sqjourner  in  North  Britain  goes  Salmon- 
fishing  ivith  a  New  Young  Woman. 

FAR  from  the  busy  haunts  of  men, 

'Mid  hazel,  heather,  gorze, 
You  are  tho  Beauty  of  the  glen, 

And  I  the  Beast,  of  course. 
I  fetch  and  carry  at  your  wish, 

I  wait  your  beck  and  nod, 
And  yet  your  soul  is  with  that  fish, 

Your  ardour  in  your  rod. 

He  struggles  hard,  gives  now  a  lunge, 

Like  boxer  in  the  ring, 
And  now  he  executes  a  plunge 

That  makes  your  tackle  spring ; 
And  then  again  he  quiet  lies; 

As  if  in  cunning  thought 
Of  how  to  lose  this  worst  of  flies 

That  he  so  gladly  caught. 

Anon  we  see  his  silver  back 

Rush  madly  up  the  stream, 
And  then  he  takes  another  tack, 

An  effort  that 's  supreme  ; 
He  tries  to  leap  the  rocky  wall 

That  environs  the  pool. 
How  hot  that  rush  1     How  low  that  fall ! 

While  you  are  calm  and  cool. 

You  utter  not  a  word ;  your  wrist 

Must  surely  be  of  steel ; 
For,  lot  your  captive  turn  or  twist, 

You  never  spend  the  reel. 
But  with  your  eye  fast  fixed  you  stand — 

Diana  with  a  hook — 
Determined  that  good  grilse  to  land, 

And  bring  your  fly  to  book. 

Well  done !  He  weakens !  With  the  gaff 

I  'm  ready  for  the  prey. 
And  now  you  give  a  little  laugh 

That  means  "  He  must  give  way !  " 
"  Look  out  1 "  you  cry.     I  do  look  out, 

And  then  I  lose  my  head. 
You  've  missed  the  fish  without  a  doubt, 

But  captured  me  instead  1 


At  Battle  Abbey. 

Guide.  This  is  the  Banqueting  'All 

American  Tourist  (looking  at  his  watch). 
Ccme,    stow   that.     If   you'll    only   point 
out     the     bedchamber     in     which     King 
HAROLD  died,  I  '11  make  tracks.      What ! 
didn't  pay  in  his  checks  here?     Then  I 
won't  be  imposed  on  any  longer.     It 's  my 
belief  there  never  was  any  Battle  of  Hast- 
ings. The  whole  thing 's  a  tarnation  fraud ! 
[Exit  angrily  with  family  and 
grip-sacks. 

The  Poet  and  his  Love. 

(A.  Lapsus  Lingua.) 

He.  I  see  that  you  wear  brown  boots, 
sweetheart — a  sign  of  the  falling  of  the 
year. 

She.  Yes,  it  is  in  concord  with  the  de- 
cadence of  the  leaf. 

He.  Say  rather  with  the  cutting  of  the 
corn. 

[And  then  the  match  was  broken  off 
through  no  fa.dt  of  his. 


SEPTEMBER  19,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


137 


CONDENSED  CONFIDENCE. 

(For  Ladies  only.) 

DEAREST  ETHELINDA, — I  have  done  it,  moi  qui  vous  park. 
Henceforward  look  upon  me  as  devoted  to  the  most  reckless 
dissipation  on  the  most  immoral  lines.  That  I  am  sure  is  the 
impression  which  my  conduct  would  suggest  at  Little  Pigglewick, 
where  your  dear  father  has  for  so  many  years  and  so  vehemently 
inveighed  from  the  pulpit  against  the  sins  of  the  turf,  on  the 
Sunday  before  the  Derby.  And  yet  I,  who  was  at  one  time  a 
lambkin  in  his  flock,  have  strayed  among  the  wolves,  and  actually 
seen  the  race  for  the  St.  Leger  Stakes  at  Doncaster,  which  till 
then  I  only  knew  by  reason  of  its  succulent  butter-scotch. 

It  was  in  this  wise.  Papa  and  I  were  staying  at  the  NIBBLE- 
THOBPE-NoBBEs's,  near  York,  when  Lord  ARTHUR  RANTIPOLE  im- 

Elored  me  to  accept  a  seat  on  his  coach  (which  he  takes  about  with 
im  like  a  hat  box),  and,  ma  mie,  as  does  the  damsel  in  the  play, 
I  fell  before  les  beaux  yeux  de  son  altesse.  Lord  ARTHUR  is  one 
of  those  unfortunate  noblemen  who  is  married  but  not  wedded. 
Many  years  ago,  when  a  mere  boy,  he  was  entrapped  by  the 
charms  of  a  female  (I  cannot  call  her  anything  else),  who  posed 
in  the  choregraphic  ranks  of  a  theatrical  company,  collected  foi 
the  purpose  of  showing  the  advantage  of  beauty  unadorned.  He, 
as  he  has  often  told  me,  out  of  pure  chivalry  espoused  this 
creature.  He  was  sans  peur  if  she  was  not  sans  reproche.  I 
need  not  tell  you  how  the  ill-fated  alliance  ended ;  but  this  I  do 
know,  it  was  all  her  fault.  He  has  given  her,  in  the  noblest 
way  possible,  every  chance  of  releasing  herself  from  this  odious 
entanglement,  but  she  refuses  to  accept  the  opportunities. 
Meantime  she  is  a  constant  drain  on  his  income  and  a  stumbling- 
block  in  his  career.  "Ah,  KADJ"  (we  are  on  most  friendly 
terms),  he  said,  only  the  other  night,  "if  you,  only  knew  what 
it  is  to  bear  it  and  grin."  Papa  says  that  Lord  ARTHUR  was  refer- 
ring to  the  Stock  Exchange  ;  but  I  never  take  any  account  of  his 
remarks. 

Mrs.  PLANTAGENET-NIBBS,  who  of  course  was  of  the  party,  sug- 
gested a  "  sweep  "  over  the  great  event.  I  did  not  at  first  grasp 
her  meaning,  thinking  it  had  something  to  do  with  smoky 
chimneys.  Not  so  the  rest  of  the  party,  and  we  were  very 
shortly  afterwards,  after  paying  five  shillings  a-piece,  engaged 
in  taking  slips  of  paper  out  of  Mr.  NIBBLETHORPE-NOBBES'S  hat. 
I  drew  a  horse  called  Phoebus  Apollo  (quel  joli  nom  /) ,  but  nobody 
thought  I  should  win ;  though  Mr.  SWINBURNE  JENKINS  offered 
me  ten  shillings  for  my  chance  of  taking  the  pool.  "  Pas  si 
bete ! "  I  replied,  much  to  the  discomfiture  of  the  poet.  Lady 
TYPINA  TIPCAT,  having  obtained  H.R.H.'s  noble  steed  Per- 
simmon, was  so  elated  that  she  handed  a  whole  five-pound  note 
to  a  smart-looking  individual,  who  implored  her  "  to  back  her 
fancy  for  a  place."  But  when  the  Prince  conquered,  he  did  not 
appear  ti  pay  her  Ladyship  her  winnings.  Sir  WILLOUGHBY 
WEAR  said  that  he  must  have  come  from  Wales.  I  did  not 
know  that  the  gallant  little  principality,  so  famous  for  its  leeks, 
Sir  WATKIN  WILLIAMS-WTNN  and  Mr.  LLOYD-GEORGE,  could  be 
capable  of  producing  such  inhabitants  ;  but  Sir  WILLOUGHBY  re- 
marked that  he  had  never  come  across  such  unscrupulous  beings 
as  those  who  are  born  the  legitimate  subjects  of  the  Heir  Ap- 
parent to  the  throne  of  Great  Britain.  In  this  opinion  he  was 
supported  by  Mr.  KAMP-TULICON,  who  was  exceedingly  annoyed 
that  his  sister  should  have  imperilled  five  shillings  with  the  same 
unprincipled  individual. 

Mr.  SWINBURNE  JENKINS,  who  insisted  on  our  drinking  to 
the  memory  of  poor  JAMBS  THE  FOURTH  of  Scotland,  it  being  the 
anniversary  of  Flodden  Field,  at  once  began  an  ode  on  the  race, 
He  wrote  on  the  back  of  an  envelope,  and  I  know  that  the  first 
two  lines  ran  :  — 

"  Light  the  beacon  on  Snowdon  and  mighty  Plinlimmon ! 
For  the  tale  that  is  told  of  the  hero  Persimmon." 

There  was  a  good  deal  more,  but  the  groom,  who  looked  after 
the  refreshments,  inadvertently  swept  the  paper  into  the  ice- 
pail,  where  the  fugitive  lines  were  speedily  destroyed,  to  the 
great  and  natural  wrath  of  the  bard.  Lord  ARTHUR — toujours 
a  propos — said  that  Mr.  JENKINS  ought  to  be  called  "  the  Water 
poet,  with  a(n)  ice  sentiment."  It  would  be  useless  for  me  to 
attempt  to  describe  the  scene.  This  intoxicating  combination 
of  colour  and  life,  the  Yorkshire  dialect,  the  yells  and  the  cheers 
when  H.R.H.'s  success  was  known,  made  me  feel  quite  reck- 
less, despite  the  doleful  drizzle,  and  I  threw  pence  to  the  negro 
minstrels  with  the  prodigality  of  an  Eastern  satrap.  And  the 
costumes !  There  were  some  actresses  in  a  break  near  our  coach 
whose  head-dresses  suggested  a  flower  show  of  the  Royal  Horti- 


CMPITIXU; 

||(iutn(iminti(iutui< 
HUUUllU" 


Doctor.   "Now,  WHAT  DID  YOUR  FATHER  AND  MOTHER  DIE  OF?" 
Applicant.  "  WELL,  SIR,  I  CAN'T  SAY  AS  I  DO  'XACTLY  REMEMBER 
BUT  'TWARN'T  NOTHING  SERIOUS  ! ' 


cultural  Society.  These  ladies  looked  wickedly  nice  in  grass 
lawn  and  lace,  which  Mrs.  PLANTAGENET-NIBBS — who  is  always 
inclined  to  be  nasty — said  would  give  their  mothers  no  trouble 
to  renovate,  as  they  were  mangled  already  by  the  pressing  atten- 
tions of  their  male  friends.  I  noticed  that  Papa  seemed  some- 
what annoyed  by  the  presence  of  ces  dames,  and  carefully  avoided 
looking  at  them. 

Not  so  Lord  ARTHUR,  who  waved  his  hat  to  the  party,  and 
afterwards  entered  into  conversation  with  them.  But,  as  usual, 
noblesse  oblige ;  Lord  A.  says  that  he  feels  it  his  duty  to  be  all 
things  to  all  women.  I  need  not  write  more,  for  you  will  have 
read  the  daily  papers,  but  I  most  strongly  advise  you,  after  going 
to  races,  to  breakfast  on  the  following  morning  as  I  did — taking 
the  advice  of  dear  Lord  ARTHUR — on  the  soda  water,  which  is 

always  associated  with  the  name  of *  and  the  red  herring, 

for  which  Messrs. *  are  so  celebrated  in  the  fish-curing  world. 

And  yet  for  lunch  I  ate  heartily  of  roast  partridges,  though  it 
is  so  cruel  to  kill  these,  the  dearest,  plumpest,  and  most  tooth- 
some little  birds  in  the  world. 

Ever,  dear,  Your  loving  cousin,  KADJ. 

*  Both  names  indecipherable.— ED. 


EAELY  BIRDS. 
British  Beauty.  An  early  marriage  is  very  well, 

With  a  good  income,  and  a  carriage ! 

American  Beauty.  Have  you  a  chance  of  that  ?     Do  tell ! 
Yank  dollars  tempt  the  British  swell, 
My  dollars  spring  from  an  oil-well, 

So  I  shall  make  an  Earl-y  marriage ! 
British  Beauty  (sorrowfully).  As  a  Republican  sure  you  oughl 

not  to. 

You  do  dishonour  to  your  dear  democracy ! 
American  Beauty  (smartly).  Oil-well  that  ends  well!  That,  dear, 

is  my  motto ; 
An  oil-well  sometimes  ends  in — aristocracy  1 


138  PUNCH,     OE     THE     LONDON     CHAKIVARL  [SEPTEMBER  19,  1896. 


»-»W>>«(£       «*. 

te*"***^  -c3** 

awS^ 

*%*s^  .^  x  --- 
•:;<"^«^i^ 


DEER-STALKING    MADE    EASY. 

THE  PATENT  SILENT  MOTOK-CRAWLER. 


"THE  EUROPEAN  POWERS/' 

POWERS?     Hard  by  the  Golden  Horn 

Those  satyr  lips,  as  cold  as  cruel, 
Must  curl  in  sly,  sardonic  scorn ! 

Will  nothing  serve  as  kindling  fuel 
To  fire  the  chilly  "  Christian  "  heart, 

Or  move  from  apathetic  meekness 
The  timid  thralls  of  mode  and  mart  ? 

Powers?      What   then   is   craven   weak- 
ness? 
From  Thames  to  Neva  runs  all  blood 

As  icily  as  the  pole-world  frozen  ? 
Kaisers  and  Tzars,  in  fulsome  mood, 

May  dub  each  other  "Christian  cousin," 
War  lord,  or  knightly  emperor; 

And  he,  the  Unspeakable,  sits  smiling 
At  "Christian  Powers,"  of  spirit  poor, 

Who  waste  in  mutual  reviling 
The  black-winged  hours,  like  birds  of  prey 

Full  gorged  with  carrion,  vulture,  raven, 
Flapping  in  the  full  light  of  day, 

Fearless     of     Christian     kings     turned 

craven ! 
What  marvel  carrion-fowls  are  bold 

When    full-armed    war    lords    pale    and 

palter, 
Like  angry  spinsters  chide  and  scold, 

But  at  "  the  name  or  action  "  falter  ? 
Meanwhile     the    death-heaps     swell     and 
swell. 

Mercy,  a  pale  and  piteous  pleader, 
Weeps  helpless  at  the  gates  of  hell, 

The  Christian  crowd  calls  for — a  leader 
Who  cpmeth  not!     Each  lord,  each  chief, 

In  diplomatic  bonds  entangled, 
Scarce  dares  to  stir.     No  strong  belief 

Moves  any  man.     The  "Powers"  have 

wrangled, 

Worried,  and   watched;    but   none   dares 
cut 

The  Gordian  knot,  drawn  redder,  tighter, 


But  him,  with  sinister  eyes  half  shut 
In    scorn,    who    mocks    at    crown    and 

mitre. 
Who  '11  lead  ?    who  '11  strike  P    the  peoples 

cry. 

Impotent  seems  appeal  or  urging ; 
Yet.  hid  from  cold  official  eye, 

Christian  humanity  seems  upsurging, 
To  those  who  watch.     Wistful  appeal 
To  an  old  leader,  worn  and  weary, 
Proves  what  small  trust  the  people  feel 
In  younger  chiefs,  callous  or  cheery. 
»Vho'll  stir?      Who'll  strike?     Scant  an- 
swer yet  I 

The  throned  assassin  lolls  and  lowers, 
Mocking,  with  Crescent  crimson-wet, 
Powerless      things      called      "Christian 
Powers." 


QUEER  QUERIES. 

AUTUMN  ARRANGEMENTS. — I  am  about  to 
take  a  late  holiday,  and  wish  to  see  Swit- 
zerland, the  Austrian  Tyrol,  Italy,  and  Ma- 
deira. Can  I  get  there  and  back,  and  tour 
about  for  three  weeks  for  £4  10s.  ?  If  not, 
would  some  other  tourist  take  me  with 
him  and  pay  my  expenses,  if  in  return  I 
looked  after  the  luggage,  secured  rooms 
at  hotels,  and  so  on?  I  don't  know  any 
foreign  language,  and  have  never  been 
abroad  before,  but  am  active  and  easy 
to  get  on  with  when  not  ruffled. 

QUITE  ACCOMMODATING. 

AIDS  TO  HEALTH. — Will  some  medical 
man  (without  fee)  advise  me  as  to  my 
health  ?  I  am  often  unable  to  sleep  more 
than  eight  or  nine  hours,  and  after  sitting 
in  a  draught  for  a  long  time  I  am  apt  to 
catch  a  cold  in  the  head.  Then,  after  a 
full  meal,  with  unlimited  spirits,  I  ex- 
perience a  feeling  of  more  than  Armenian 


oppression.  These  symptoms  make  me 
rather  nervous.  I  have  tried  nearly  every 
patent  medicine  sold,  and  have  been  re- 
fused admittance  at  two  hospitals.  A 
new  prescription  would  be  welcomed  by 
AMATEUK  MEDICINE  MAN. 

AN  EAETHLY  PARADISE. — Where  is  a 
good  place  to  go  to  for  the  autumn, 
abroad,  where  I  can  get  all  English  com- 
forts, and  meet  no  English  people  ?  Must 
be  between  3,500  and  2,500  feet  up,  warm, 
and  at  the  same  time  bracing,  with 
southern  aspect,  good  cooking,  terms 
about  five  francs  a  day  en  pension, 
liberal  table  d'hote,  thoroughly  conscien- 
tious proprietor  (Low  Church  preferred), 
and  a  separate  iron  staircase  outside  each 
bedroom  window  in  case  of  fire. 

EAST  TO  PLEASE. 

HENCOURAGING. — Could  anyone  tell  me 
why  my  Dorking  hen  fails  to  bring  off  the 
brood  of  young  chickens  I  have  been  ex- 
pecting for  some  time  back?  I  placed 
her  on  the  eggs — three  dozen  of  them — 
somewhere  in  June,  and  shut  her  up  in 
an  outhouse  under  a  bucket,  as  I  was  told 
this  was  the  proper  way.  She  has  not 
been  out  since,  though  I  feed  her  at  in- 
tervals. Shall  I  really  have  to  wait  till 
Christmas  for  the  brood,  as  a  friend 
suggests  "  that  I  may  pullet  off  by  that 
date"?  N.B. — The  hen  seems  to  be 
getting  thinner. — POULTRY  PATRONESS. 


[At  the  Cric-Crac  Restaurant. 

Customer  (looking  at  bill).  Here,  waiter, 
there 's  surely  some  mistake  in  this  total. 

Waiter  (politely).  Zehn  thousand  par- 
dons, Sir !  Mit  my  usual  garelessness  I 
have  added  in  ze  date  and  vorgot  to 
charge  you  for  ze  butter. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.— SEPTEMBER  19,  1896. 


THE  WAR  LORD. 


"  HE,   THE  WAR  LORD    OF  A    MOST   MIGHTY    HOST,  WILL  YET    ONLY   EMPLOY    HIS    TROOPS    IN 
THE  PROTECTION  OF   PEACE."— Reference  to  the  Tzar  ly  the  German  Emperor  at  Gorlitz. 


SEPTEMBER  19,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


141 


THE  COMPLETE  SPEECH-MAKER. 

WE  are  enabled  to  give  the  following 
extracts  from  a  very  important  collection 
of  speeches,  to  be  published  shortly. 
The  first  of  the  series,  on  "the  floating 
form  of  the  knightly  emperor"  was  de- 
livered at  Gorlitz  on  the  8th  inst. 

To  the.  King  of  the  Belgians. — Oh,  royal 
ruler  of  Belgium  and  King  of  the  Congo  I 
with  great  joy  see  I  yet  again  thy  tiny 
and  delicate  figure !  Thou  too  lovest  to 
travel  as  I,  and  goest  from  Saturday  to 
Monday  to  Corfu,  or  to  Montreux  for  the 
day.  Hail,  royal  fellow-tripper  1  In  this 
speech  say  I  no  word  about  LOTHAIRE,  ex- 
cept that,  if  he  a  German  been  had,  never 
had  we  even  him  tried.  I  love  such  men, 
if  only  they  Germans  are.  Now  say  I  yet 
again  that  the  sight  of  thy  sweet  and 
sylphlike  shape  my  stern  soldier-life 
sweetens.  Some  day  perhaps  come  I  to 
Ostend  my  luck  at  thy  gambling  tables  to 
try.  Then  canst  thou  perhaps  me  a  tip 
give.  Hoch !  hoch !  hoch ! 

To  the  King  of  Spain. — Oh,  mighty 
monarch,  successor  of  the  sovereigns  who 
the  rich  realms  of  Spain  ruled,  gladly 
gaze  I  again  at  thy  terrible  and  towering 
form  I  Hadst  thou  a  German  been,  then 
in  my  Pomeranian  Grenadiers  wouldst 
thou  nobly  served  have.  But  now  fights 
thine  army  against  the  rebels  in  Cuba.  1 
drink,  oh  colossal  King,  to  the  success  of 
thy  soldiers!  If  thou  me  to  say  couldst, 
whether  this  a  good  time  Havana  cigars 
cheap  to  buy  is,  very  much  obliged  would 
I  be.  Hoch!  hoch!  hoch! 

To  the  Sultan. — Oh.  courageous  Com- 
mander of  the  Faithful,  how  rejoice  I 
thine  alert  and  active  form,  ever  fearless 
in  the  fight  for  the  good  of  that  nation 
which  so  happy  as  to  call  thee  its  ruler  is, 
to  see  1  Thou  lovest  not  a  life  of  luxury 
and  laziness.  Thou  leavest  not  thy  people 
to  the  mercy  of  murderous  miscreants. 
Strive  then  as  ever,  oh,  Sultan !  sleepless 
in  thy  solicitude  for  thy  subjects.  And  if 
thou,  whom  but  sherbet  drinkest,  in  the 
cellars  of  Yildiz  Kiosque  some  rare  old 
wines  discover  shouldst,  perhaps  some  tip- 
top tokay  or  some  sublime  port,  forget 
not  thy  friend,  the  ruler  of  Germany, 
where  temperance  in  words  or  deeds  not 
enforced  is.  Hoch !  hoch !  hoch  ! 

To  the  French  President.  —  Oh,  proud 
and  peerless  President,  successor  of  the 
never-to-be-forgotten  and  altogether-un- 
surpassable Emperor  NAPOLEON  THE  FIRST, 
as  thy  fairylike  form  forward  before  our 
fascinated  faces  floats,  see  we  in  thee  the 
eminent  embodiment  of  the  lithe  and 
lightsome  lissomeness  of  thy  nimble  na- 
tion, and,  more  than  ever,  long  I  thy  cap- 
tivating and  coruscating  capital  to  visit, 
in  order  there  to  see,  perhaps  at  the 
Casino  de  Paris  or  the  Moulin  Rouge, 
forms  that  in  the  daring  dance  even 
more  freely  than  thine  float  1  Perhaps  in 
the  year  1900  come  I.  Auf  wiedersehen ! 
Hoch!  hoch!  hoch! 


"G.  B.,"  writing  from  New  York, 
U.S.A.,  sends  a  cheque  for  £4  "for  the 
Little  Hero,"  which  has  been  forwarded. 
He  says,  "Perhaps  LEONARD  STEELE 
wants  a  bicycle,  and  this  may  help  him  to 
get  one,  and  let  him  know  that  at  least 
one  American  appreciates  his  noble  deed." 


NOTE  BY  A  NATURALIST  IN  THE  HIGH- 
LANDS. —  The  only  parallel  to  the  grey 
mare  in  connubial  circles  is  the  grey  hen. 


A  FEW  HOURS  IN  PARIS    AT  THIS 
MOMENT. 

(By  Our  Travelling  Impressionist. ) 

START  from  Victoria  at  9  P.M.  Train 
gets  punctually  to  Dover  at  quarter  to 
eleven.  Then  by  capital  new  boat  Dover 
(vice  the  Wave,  Foam  and  Breeze  super- 
seded) to  France  in  a  little  over  the  hour. 
At  the  Gare  Maritime.  Twenty  minutes 
for  excellent  refreshment.  En  route. 
Carriages.  Amiens  at  3.40.  Paris  two 
hours  later.  Douane,  and  cafe  au  lait 
opposite  the  Gare  du  Nord.  Then  in  the 
early  morning  a  drive  to  the  hotel.  Room 
ready  (for  you  have  written  for  it),  and 
rest  for  a  couple  of  hours.  Bath,  contents 
of  portmanteau  utilized,  and  grande  tenue 
for  the  Boulevards. 

As  to  dress.  Of  course  quite  right  to 
bring  high  silk  hat.  But  no  one  wearing 
it.  Fashion,  brigand's  cut-down  chapeau 
in  soft  grey  felt.  Parisians  assume  black 
band  with  white  one  added.  Americans 
same  idea,  but  garnished  with  diamonds. 

To  lunch.  Can't  do  better  than  keep  to 
your  hotel,  a  hostelrie  which  is  famous  for 


its  courtyard,  just  opposite  the  Grand 
Opera,  and  in  the  very  centre  of  Paris. 
Hors  d'oeuvres,  two  plats  at  choice,  and 
accessories.  If  accompanied  by  wife,  prac- 
tically four  dishes  at  will.  You  select 
three.  Then  you  look  out  for  a  fourth. 
An  old  French  officer,  decore,  is  eating 
something  very  good.  Apparently  chicken, 
game,  and  carrots.  "Pot  aufeufrancais," 
no  doubt.  You  order  it.  Waiter  recom- 
mends that  your  selection  shall  come  last, 
as  "it  takes  some  time  in  preparation." 
You  agree.  You  breakfast.  You  are  pre- 
pared (after  the  practically  three  dishes) 
for  a  plate  of  bones — to  toy  with.  You 
look  forward  to  your  pot  au  feu.  It  ar- 
rives. Oh,  despair!  (as  said  in  the  Eng- 
lish translation  to  the  opera  books).  On, 
horror!  (see  same  source).  It  is  a  big 
tureen  of  steaming  soup ! 

Having  lunched,  what  to  do  ?  Streets 
full  of  Americans.  Shops  prepared  for 
the  United  States  market.  Bonnets  com- 
posed chiefly  of  precious  stones  worn  in 
high  heaps  on  the  left  side.  Cloaks  (drab) 
with  Medicis  collars,  are  sufficiently  gor- 
geous for  New  York.  Otherwise  nothing 
particularly  novel,  save  enormous  ruffles 
extending  from  back  to  waist. 

Usual  monuments.  In  the  hands  of  the 
U.  S.  A.  Louvre  interesting,  but  scarcely 
as  crowded  as  the  Grands  Magasins  of 
ditto.  Versailles  played  out.  All  the 
rest  ditto.  Driving  the  same  as  ever. 
When  in  doubt  (saith  the  golden  rule  of 
Cccher)  run  over  an  "Anglais."  Cochers 
(to  judge  from  their  driving)  always  in 
doubt.  Motor  carriages  in  full  operation 


behind  the  Madeleine.  They  go  on  rails  to 
Asnieres.  Last-mentioned  place  a  few 
years  ago — when  one  was  a  boy— delightful 
spot.  Beautiful  hills,  calm  turfed  banks, 
silvery  river.  Little  cemetery  on  the 
banks  —  quiet  spot  for  last  home.  As- 
nieres up  to  date.  Smoke,  chimneys  and 
manufactories.  River  slate -coloured. 
Cemetery  full  and  closed,  and  masked 
with  hideous  hoardings,  covered  with  flar- 
ing advertisements.  Motor  carriages  get 
to  Asnieres  to  the  terror  of  horses  draw- 
ing carriages.  Gee-gees  rush  out  of  their 
way  sometimes  by  trying  to  climb  the 
statues  recently  erected  to  ALEXANDRE 
DUMAS  pere  and  DE  NETJVILLE. 

Dinner.  To  those  who  know,  always 
excellent.  Now  for  a  theatre.  A  selec- 
tion from  a  list  of  old  favourites,  The 
Bells  of  CornevUle,  Bound  the  World  in 
Eighty  Days,  the  originals  of  half-a-dozen 
comic  operas  done  into  English  many  years 
ago.  For  the  rest,  that  popular  performance 
(so  much  in  evidence  at  this  season  of  the 
year)  "  reldche."  At  the  music  halls  noth- 
ing startling.  At  the  Palais  de  1'Indus- 
trie  an  "  exposition "  of  Le  Theatre  et  la 
Musique.  Music  and  the  drama  chiefly 
represented  by  stalls  for  the  sale  of  pa- 
tent pottery  and  home-made  beer.  In 
addition  (to  give  local  colouring)  an  inter- 
national orchestra.  Advice  to  those  who 
hate  to  be  done — avoid  the  exhibition  in 
the  Champs  Elysees. 

You  have  seen  Paris.  You  have  dined 
thrice  and  breakfasted  four  times.  Is 
there  more  to  do  ?  Yes,  to  return.  Pay 
hotel  bill.  Complain  of  being  treated  as 
Cerberus — three  persons  rolled  into  one. 
Ordered  single  liqueur,  charged  for  a  tri- 
plet. Blot  upon  an  otherwise  satisfactory 
document.  Leave  Gare  du  Nord  at  9, 
arrive  at  Victoria  before  6.  Entertain- 
ment between  whiles,  two  short  railway 
journeys,  and  a  pleasant  passage.  Grand 
result,  increased  love  for  "  Home,  sweet 
home,"  and  English  now  spoken  (tempo- 
rarily) with  a  slight  Parisian  accent. 


At  Whltby. 

Visitor  (to  Ancient  Mariner,  who  has 
been  relating  his  experiences  to  crowd  of 
admirers).  Then  do  you  mean  to  tell  us 
that  you  actually  reached  the  North  Pole  ? 

Ancient  Mariner.  No,  Sir;  that  would 
be  a  perwersion  of  the  truth.  But  I  seed 
it  a-stickin'  up  among  the  ice  just  as 
plain  as  you  can  this  spar,  which  I  plants 
in  the  sand.  It  makes  me  thirsty  to 
think  of  that  marvellous  sight,  we  being 
as  it  were  parched  wi'  cold. 

[A.  M.'s  distress  promptly  relieved 
by  audience. 


A  MEAT  REWARD.  —  The  New  Zealand 
papers  announce  that  the  exportation  of 
frozen  lamb  to  Great  Britain  has  exceeded 
all  previous  records.  Naturally  the  result 
is  mint-sauce  on  hand  at  the  Bank  of 
England.  ^ 

REMARK  BY  OUR  PRIVILEGED  POLITICIAN. 
— "  Lord  LONDONDERRY  hurling  invectives 
at  the  Government  for  releasing  some  of 
the  Irish  dynamitards  reminds  me  of  a 
man  sending  coals  to  SALISBURY." 


AN  "  OUT-CIDER."— The  Head  Constable 
of  Hereford  reports  that  drunkenness  pre- 
vails in  that  ancient  cathedral  town.  The 
deceitful  apple  must  be  again  at  work. 


142 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  19,  1896. 


EXPLICIT. 

Uncle  Harry.   "AND  DID  NAUGHTY  DADA  WHACKY-WHACK  POOR  MEDjfe  !" 
Medje.  " 'Iss,  UNCLE!" 

Uncle  Harry.  "On,  POOR  OLD  GIRL!    AND  WHERE  DID  HE  WHACKY-WHACK  YOU 
Medje.  "ER — ER — ON  THE  B-B-BACK  OF  MY  TUMMY,  UNCLE!" 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

THE  anonymous  writer  of  Here  and 
There  Memories  (FISHER  UNWIN)  under- 
takes a  perilous  task.  In  varied  experi- 
ence, my  Baronite  finds  few  things  more 
wearisome  than  the  company  of  the  man 
who  fancies  himself  as  a  story-teller.  His 
existence  is  made  endurable  by  the  fact 
that  he  is  usually  constrained  by  a  time 
limit.  He  can  tell  his  stories  only  as  long 
as  the  dinner  lasts.  H— R — N  has  a 
whole  volume  to  fill,  pouring  out  page 
after  page  of  anecdote,  to  do  him  justice, 
without  pretence  of  sequence.  Some  are 
good ;  others  require  for  full  enjoyment  a 
preliminary  glass  of  punch  and  a  contem- 
porary pull  at  the  pipe.  H — B — N's  ex- 
Brience  has  been  extensive  and  peculiar. 
e  has  rollicked  through  life  much  after 
the  fashion  of  Charles  O'Malley,  and  Tom 
Burke  of  Ours.  He  has  known  everyone, 
from  the  Emperor  NAPOLEON  to  JACQUES 
ELI,  money-lender  of  Great  Queen  Street, 
Westminster.  Of  these  two  he  tells  what 
is  not  the  least  amazing  story  in  the  book. 
"NAPOLEON  IH.,"  he  writes,  "did  not  for- 
get ELI,  whom  he  had  known  as  Prince 
CHARLES  Louis  NAPOLEON  BONAPARTE." 
But  perhaps  R — H — N  did  not  really  mean 
to  affirm  that  the  money-lender  had  been 
posing  as  the  Prince.  It  is  a  catastrophe 
of  conjunctions,  and  grammar  is  not  our 
author's  strong  point.  It  shows  how, 
even  when  he  means  to  be  serious,  an 
Irishman  drops  into  drollery. 

The  Seats  of  the  Mighty  is  the  infelici- 
tous title  given  by  GILBERT  PARKER  to  his 
latest  romance  ?  which  seems  like  a  poor 
imitation  of  his  own  style  and  manner. 
It  begins  well,  but  soon  ceases  to  be  in- 
teresting. THE  BARON. 


I/ILE  DE  WIGHT. 

DEAR  MISTER, — After  to  have  visited  my  friends  in  Scotland, 
I  am  come  here  to  Sandown  to  pass  some  days  at — chez,  how  say 
you  ? — one  other  friend.  It  is  a  long  voyage,  but  in  the  superb 
sleeping  from  Edimbourg  to  London  one  sleeps  so  well — ah  but, 
so  well! — that  one  gets  himself  up  the  morning  fresh  as  some 
daisies,  as  one  says  in  your  country.  And  one  pays  all  simply 
five  shillings  of  supplement.  That  is  very  little.  From  Calais 
to  Cannes  one  pays  100  francs.  Only  two  times  the  distance, 
and  sixteen  times  the  price !  Ah,  the  drolls  of  little  trains  on 
your  Island  of  Wight !  They  are  as  droll  as  the  bathings 
machines  at  Sandown,  only  they  go  not  so  rapidly.  Sometimes  the 
English  mock  themselves  of  our  french  trains.  However  you  com- 
plain yourself  also  of  your  trains  to  you,  above  all  in  the  south 
part  of  England.  But  go  then  to  essay  your  trains  of  the  Island  of 
Wight,  and  you  will  not  laugh  more  of  the  french  trains.  It  is  all 
this  that  he  has  there  of  the  most  drolls.  And  also  of  the  most  dears. 
The  prices  are  changed  without  Ceasing.  They  are  changed  for 
the  soldiers,  for  the  sailors,  for  the  childs,  for  the  workmen, 
for  the  yachtmen,  for  the  excursionists,  for  the  families.  One 
day  the  price  ia  more,  one  other  day  he  is  less.  If  one  voyages 
by  one  train  there  will  be  the  prices  of  the  third  class,  by  one 
other  train  not  at  all.  There  is  the  ticket  of  the  third  class,  but 
no  waggon  of  the  thirds.  There  is  the  waggon  of  the  seconds, 
less  comfortable  than  the  thirds  of  the  other  english  railways, 
but  the  prices  are  the  ordinary  prices  of  the  firsts.  The  prices 
of  the  firsts  are  enormous,  and  these  waggons,  in  summer,  are 
ordinarily  full  of  the  voyagers  of  the  third  class,  for  whom  there 
was  not  enough  of  place  in  the  seconds. 

Thus  often  I  am  forced  to  mount  in  the  fourgon  des  bagages — 
the  baggages  truck — with  the  conductor  of  the  train.  Figure 
to  yourself  how  I  seated  myself — me  AUGUSTE — at  the  middle  of 
the  baggages !  But  I  laughed,  and  my  friend  laughed,  and  the 
conductor  laughed,  and  alldays — toujours — I  offered  to  the  con- 
ductor a  cigar,  and  he  took  it  to  smoke  chez  lui,  and  said 
"Thanqui,  maounsiah."  They  are  brave  boys,  those  conductors 
there.  And  they  said  all  "Maounsiah,"  as  all  the  men  of  the 
people  in  your  country,  and  I  comprehended  not  of  all,  until  to 


that  my  friend  told  me  this  word  is  all  simply  "M'sieu"   in 
english.     A  la  bonne  heure !    But  we  amused  ourselves  well. 

The  most  part  of  the  trains  go  very  slowly.  The  grande 
vitesse  is  truly  petite  vitesse — little  quickness — and  we  go  all  by 
the  little  quickness  as  if  we  were  baggages.  But  there  is  one 
train  which  is  superb,  it  is  the  Orient  Express  of  the  Island  of 
Wight,  the  rapid  from  Ride  to  Ventnor.  At  Sandown  it  is  one 
of  the  objects  of  interest  to  see  to  pass  this  train.  He  traverses 
the  country  like  a  meteor,  before  one  can  speak,  as  you  say  in 
your  country,  of  JOHN  ROBINSON,  he  is  gone.  It  is  marvellous! 
And  I  go  to  tell  you  it,  I  have  not  seen  him  of  all  1 

Several  times  my  friend  and  me  we  walked  ourselves  to  the  sta- 
tion towards  the  three  hours  to  see  pass  the  express.  Sometimes 
we  were  in  delay — en  retard — sometimes  the  train  was  in  delay  and 
we  waited  not.  One  time  I  saw  on  the  horizon  a  cloud  of  dust, 
but  the  train  came  not,  he  had  passed,  he  went  himself  away  to 
Ventnor.  In  fine  one  day  we  waited  at  the  station,  we  resolved 
ourselves  to  see  him.  It  was  tedious.  But  we  waited.  Then 
my  friend  said  "  Let  us  cross  the  line  and  wait  on  the  other 
platform."  I  consented,  I  followed  my  friend,  we  descended 
the  steps,  we  were  in  the  tunnel.  At  that  instant  there  we 
heard  a  noise  at  above,  a  noise  as  the  thunder,  we  hastened  our- 
selves, we  ran,  we  mounted  the  steps  as  fast  as  possible,  but  still 
one  time,  parbleu — by  blue — I  was  too  late  I  I  had  heard,  but  I 
had  not  seen,  the  Orient  Express  of  the  Island  of  Wight. 

Agree,  &c.,  AUGUSTE. 

A  Blast  from  Brummagem. 
JOSEPH  pats  HEALY  on  the  back ! 

But  give  him  Home  Rule  ?    No  1 
TIM  may  be  cleverest  of  the  pack, 

But  Birmingham  's  aglow 
To  fight  for  the  old  Union  Jack, 

Led  on  by  Union  JOE! 

MILTONIO  MOTTO  FOR  THE  EAST  LONDON  WATER-SERVICE  (com- 
mended to  Mr.  Crookcnderi). — "They  also  serve  who  only  stand 
and  wait." 


SEPTEMBER  19,  1896.]  PUNCH,     OR     THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI.  143 


THE    ELEMENT    OF    SURPRISE. 


Mr.  Pryer.   "  AH,  HOW  PUKELY  SWEET  !  " 


"INK!  !!" 

[Enter  the  Lady  of  the  House. 


PROVINCIAL  SKETCHES. 

No.  I.— OUR  TOWN. 

THIS  is  our  town.  What  say  you,  Sir  ?— A  trifle  dull  and  flat,  Sir  ? 

I  beg  you  will  not  speak  of  us  in  such  a  way  as  that,  Sir, 

For,  whatsoever  others  in  their  ignorance  may  think,  Sir, 

We  know  ourselves  Creation's  cream  and  Culture's  very  pink,  Sir. 

What  do  we  do  ? — Well,  mostly  after  breakfast,  sun  or  rain?  Sir, 

We  play  a  round  of  golf,  and  after  lunch  we  play  again,  Sir ; 

And  after  dinner  we  discuss  the  fortunes  of  the  day, 

Or  comment  pretty  freely  on  our  adversaries'  play. 

We  can't  imagine  how  we  came  to  foozle  at  the  burn ; 

We  vow  it  was  the  vilest  luck,  that  stimy  at  the  turn ; 

You  noticed  our  long  iron  from  the  bunker  at  the  seventh.  Sir  ? 

And  what  a  fluke  the  Major  made  approaching  the  eleventh,  Sir ! 

But  if  you  're  not  a  golfer,  we  have  lions  here  ad  libitum, 

And  I  shall  be  delighted,  I  assure  you,  to  exhibit  'em  ; 

We  '11  take  the  churches  first,  I  think — there  's  something  like 
a  score  of  them, 

Or  possibly,  for  aught  I  know,  there  may  be  rather  more  of  them. 

See,  there  's  the  Parish  Kirk.  The  style  ?  Well,  no,  not  per- 
pendicular, 

Nor  does  it  much  resemble  any  other  in  particular. 

Beside  it  is  the  Catholic  Church,  behind  it  the  U.  P., 

And  higher  up  the  Methodists',  and  lower  down  the  Free, 

And  up  the  court  the  Baptists,  down  the  slum  the  Congrega- 
tionalists, 

And  here  and  there  and  everywhere  still  more  denominationalists. 

But  here  we  are  at  Market  Street.  Look  round  you  as  you  enter ! 
This  is  the  spot  our  parsons  call  "  The  city's  pulsing  centre," — 
A  phrase  we  never  fail  to  hear  with  faithful  regularity 
Whenever  the  collection  is  in  aid  of  local  charitv. 


Perhaps,  if  you  're  a  Cockney,  used  to  London  noise  and  riot,  Sir, 
Our  other  roads  may  possibly  appear  a  little  quiet.  Sir ; 
Few  people  drive  about  them  but  the  butcher  or  the  grocer, 
Our  North  Street  is  not  quite  the  Strand,  nor  Paternoster  Row, 

Sir. 
But  here,  at  least,  in  Market  Street,  there's  always  something 

going  on, 

Here,  as  the  parsons  say,  "the  tide  of  life  is  ever  flowing  on," — 
I  told  you  so  !  Come  when  you  will,  there  's  something  still  to  see, 
And  look !     There 's  Grip,  the  butcher's  bull-dog,   hunting  for 

a  flea! 

And  there  's  the  butcher,  too,  by  Jove,  with  portly  corporation, 
Who  watches  Grip's  exciting  sport  in  lazy  contemplation. 
And  there    is    MAT  —  alack    the    day! — the    milkman's    pretty 

daughter,  Sir, 
Replenishing  the  milk-cans  from  a  pail  of  chalk-and-water,  Sir! 

But  hold !     Why  dally  with  the  deeds  of  vulgarised  democracy  ? 
For  lo  I  here  comes  the  jewel  of  our  local  aristocracy  1 
Ah !  Miss  JOANNA  meets  mine  eye,  Minerva-like  Divinity ! 
More  chaste  than  Dian,  pure  as  snow — unparalleled  Virginity ! 
She  comes !     She  comes  1    We  '11  cross  the  street  and  reverently 

greet  her, 
And  p'rhaps   'twill  be  as  well  to  drop  this  somewhat  flippant 

metre. 

And  our  cigars.     She  brooketh  not  the  odours  of  Havannah,  Sir, 
Now,  are  you  ready  ?  Then,  here  goes !     Allow  me — Miss  JOANNA, 

Sir.  

Overheard  at  the  East  End. 
Sanitarian.  By  hook  or  crook  a  man  must  drink  and  wash, 

The  poorest  has  a  whistle,  and  must  wet  it ! 
Slum  Dweller.  Get  it  by  hook  or  crook  ?    Oh,  that 's  all  bosh ! 

By  hook  or  Crook(enden)  I  cannot  pet  it  I 


144 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  19,  1896. 


AN    IRISH    TRAFFIC    RETURN. 

SCENE— -RttraZ  Railway  Station.         TIME — 8.30  A.M. 

Traffic  Superintendent.   "HA'F  AN  HOUR  LATE,  G'YARD  !     H'WAT 's 
THIS  TRAIN  WAITING  FOR?" 
Guard.  "SURE,  WE'RE  WAITING  FOR  THE  PASSENGER,  SORR!" 


INTERVIEWING  A  RAINMAKER. 

(Being  Pages  from  a  very  modern  Log-book.) 

[A  gentleman  in  the  Isle  of  Wight  claims  to  be  able  to  control  the  weather 
by  means  of  "  Odylic  force."] 

THURSDAY  being  about  as  sopping  and  miserable  a  day  as  one 
could  imagine,  I  automoted  down,  on  behalf  of  Mr.  Punch,  to 
interview  the  modern  rainmaker  in  his  villa  at  Beachdown  upon 
the  subject. 

"Good  afternoon,"  I  timidly  remarked,  as  I  found  the  wizard 
perspiring  in  his  shirt-sleeves,  and  busily  preparing  the  evening's 
weather  in  his  laboratory.  "I  came  to  ask,  if  by  any  chance " 

"  Don't  disturb  me,  pray,"  ejaculated  the  rainmaker.  "  The 
War  Office  authorities  have  not  paid  me  the  twopence  a  head  I 
demanded  for  providing  fine  weather  during  the  manoauvres,  and 
so  I  will  make  it  hot — I  mean  damp — for  them,  with  a  vengeance. 
By  Jove,  Sir,  the  country  shall  pay  for  it !  I  '11  teach  them  a 
lesson.  Besides,  I  've  a  friend  who  's  an  umbrella-maker,  and  I 
owe  him  a  good  turn." 

"  But,  if  you  would  kindly " 

"  Yes,  yes,  I  know  what  you  were  going  to  say.  But  I  'm  not 
just  at  present  in  a  kindly  frame  of  mind,  and  the  United  King- 
dom has  got  to  know  it.  I  showed  you  London  people  a  sample 
of  my  powers  on  Tuesday  night,  if  you  remember  the  little  thing 
in  the  way  of  thunderstorms  that  I  turned  off.  I  should  have 
let  that  loose  on  Salisbury  Plain  instead,  if  the  London  County 
Council  had  only  advanced  me  the  little  sum,  the  absurdly  in- 
adequate amount  of  three  thousand  pounds  I  asked  for.  How- 
ever, I  let  them  off  easily,  on  the  whole,  and,  besides,  gave  the 
East  London  Water  Company  a  bonus  in  the  shape  of  extra 
rainfall.  But  there,  the  way  some  things  are  mismanaged  1 
Take  that  Solar  Eclipse,  now." 

"  Yes,  that  was  a  failure !  " 

"Well,  would  you  believe  it.     I  had  arranged  for  the  whole 


thing  to  be  a  most  brilliant  success,  steady  light,  no  clouds  or 
anything  to  interfere,  for  a  paltry  two  thousand  pounds.  I 
waited  for  it  up  to  the  last  moment,  but  as  my  honorarium  was 
not  forthcoming,  of  course  I  had  to  let  them  go  on  a  false  errand. 
Those  astronomers  will  be  wiser  next  '  ime,  I  fancy  I  It  is  merely 
a  matter  of  pounds,  shillings,  and  pence." 

"  You  have  a  scale  of  fees,  then  ?  " 

"  Certainly ;  here  it  is,"  said  the  cloud-compeller,  producing 
a  document  in  the  following  terms :  — 

WEATHER    TARIFF. 

Terms  :  Cash' on  Delivery  ;  Reduction  on  taking  a  Quantity. 


Families  supplied  during  the  holiday  season. 
Parishes  or  counties  contracted  for  by  the  year. 


April  Showers 110 

Thunderstorm  (sufficient  to  damage  Rival  Picnic)  3  10    0 

Constant  Drizzle  (for  those  who  like  their  Sundays 

at  Home)     4  17     6 

Regular  Soaker  (especially  adapted  for  Duck- 
breeders)  5  14  0 

Fine  Days  (ordinary,  local) 800 

Do.  for  Benos  and  Bank  Holidays,  per  head 002 

Special  Brand  for  Honeymooners,  Butterfly- 
catchers,  and  other  Lunatics 10  0  0 

Queen's  Weather  (Town  or  Country)  20    0    0 

Blizzard    (choice  and   reliable,    adapted   for  the 

Medical  Profession)  30    0    0 

Fog  (best  London,  fruity  and  well-matured,  re- 
commended to  City  Clerks,  Burglars,  and  the 

like)    31  10    0 

Frost,  per  day  (reduction  to    Skating-clubs  and 

Potato  men)    35     0    0 

Tidal  Wave  (for  Sensational  Reporters)     100    0    0 

Earthquakes,  per  minute     500    0    0 

Eclipse,  partial   1,000    0    0 

Do.     total,  Corona  and  Appendages  complete       2,000    0    0 

Comet  (on  approval)  10,000    0    0 

Precession  of  the  Equinoxes  (warranted  punctual 
to  the  tick,  with  special  provision  for  general 
upset  of  the  Universe,  at  three  months' 
notice)  100,000  0  0 

Weather  while  you  wait.  Samples  sent  per  Parcel  Post.  Call 
or  write  to  Chief  Clerk,  Managing  Department,  Meteorological 
Bureau,  Beachdown,  I.  W. 

"  There,"  said  the  modern  J.  Pluvius,  "  take  your  choice.  The 
whole  thing 's  in  a  nut-shell.  What  can  we  do  for  you  ?  " 

"  Thank  you,"  said  I,  looking  at  the  steady  downpour  outside  ; 
"  I  think  I  '11  take  two  penn'orth  of  dry  goods,  if  you  please." 

"What!  you  would  insult  me?"  thundered  the  latterday  St. 
Swithin.  "  Mr.  Punch  shall  hear  of  this !  Ho,  there,  turn  on 
two  waterspouts,  a  cyclone,  a  doldrum,  four  monsoons,  three 
sciroccos,  a  peasoup  fog,  and  six  weeks'  drought,  this  instant,  in 
Bouverie  Street ! " 

I  hastily  mounted  my  automotor  and  travelled  back  to  town, 
but,  strange  to  say,  the  weather  cleared  up  remarkably  in  London 
that  evening,  so  the  Odylic  Odin  must  have  repented  of  his  de- 
cision, or,  more  probably,  his  force  was  powerless  against  that  of 
Mr.  Punch. 

TENNYSON  FOR  TRADESMEN. 

(Adapted  by  Sir  John  Lubbock.) 

IF  you're  waking,  close  us  early,  close  us  early,  M.P.'s,  dear, 
And  that  will  be  the  happiest  day  of  all  the  glad  new  year ; 
Of  all  the  ninety-seven,  gents,  the  gladdest,  jolliest  day, 
For  we  shall  have  time  for  play,  brothers,  to  close,  and  get  off 
to  play ! 

Let  the  two-thirds  close  us  early,  close  us  early,  M.P.'s,  dear ! 
Twelve  thousand  London  tradesmen  want  that  two-thirds  vote, 

'tis  clear. 
We  're  kept  close-bound  all  the  year  round.     Heed  St.  LUBBOCK'S 

prayer,  we  pray. 
Let  us  shut  and  get  off  to  play,  gents,  shut  up  shop  and  get  off 

to  playl 

MORE  AMERICANO. — It  is  said  that  the  candidature  of  General 
PALMER  for  the  American  Presidency  has  injured  Mr.  BRYAN  on 
account  of  the  General's  "sound  money"  principles.  Surely 
this  must  be  another  version  of  "  ringing  the  changes." 


SEPTEMBER  26,  1896.]  PUNCH,     OR     THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI. 


145 


JOTTINGS    AND    TITTLINGS. 

(BY  BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO  JABBERJEE,  B.A.) 

No.  XXIII 

Mr.  Jabberjee  delivers  his  Statement  of  Defence,  and  makes  his  prepara 
tions  for  the  North.  He  allows  his  patriotic  sentiments  to  get  tin 
better  of  him  in  a  momentary  outburst  of  disloyalty — to  which  m 
serious  importance  need  be  attached. 

MY  fair  plaintiff  has  not  suffered  the  grass  of  inaction  to 
grow  upon  her  feet,  having  already  issued  her  Statement  o: 
Claim,  by  which  she  alleges  that  I  proposed  marriage  on  a  certain 
date,  and  did  subsequently,  on  divers  occasions,  treat  her,  in 


"  I  urn  addressed  by  an  underbred  street-urchin  as  a  '  blooming  blacky  ! '  " 

the  presence  of  sundry  witnesses,  as  an  affianced,  after  which 
I  mizzled  into  obscurity,  and  on  various  pretexts  did  decline, 
and  do  still  decline,  to  fulfil  my  nuptial  contract,  by  which  con- 
duct the  plaintiff,  being  grievously  afflicted  in  mind,  body,  and 
estate,  claims  damages  to  the  doleful  tune  of  £1,000. 

(N.B. — I  have  thought  it  advisable  here  and  there  to  trans- 
late the  legal  phraseology  into  more  comprehensible  verbiage.) 

Now  such  a  claim  is  to  milk  a  ram,  or  prendre  la  lune  avec 
les  dents,  seeing  that  I  am  not  a  proprietor  of  even  one 
thousand  rupees.  Nevertheless  (as  I  have  informed  Mr. 
SMARTLE),  my  progenitor,  the  Mooktear,  will  bleed  to  any 
reasonable  extent  of  costs  out  of  pocket. 

I  have  held  frequent  and  lengthy  interviews  with  the  said 
SMARTLB,  Esq.,  who  is  of  incredible  dispatch  and  celerity — 
though  I  sometimes  regret  that  I  did  not  procure  a  solicitor  of 
a  more  senile  and  sympathetic  disposition. 

Assuredly  had  I  done  so,  such  an  one  would  not,  after  per- 
using my  Statement  of  Defence — a  most  magnificently  volumin- 
ous document  of  over  fifty  folios,  crammed  and  stuffed  with 
satirical  hits  and  sideblows,  and  pathetic  appeals  for  the  Bench's 
indulgence,  and  replete  with  familiar  quotations  from  best 
classical  and  continental  authors — such  an  one,  I  say,  would 
not  have  split  his  sides  with  disrespectful  chucklings,  thrown 
my  composition  into  a  wasted  paper  receptacle,  and  proceeded 
to  knock  off  a  meagre  substitute  of  his  own,  containing  a  very 
few  dry  bald  paragraphs,  in  the  inadequately  brief  space  of 
under  the  hour. 

Such,  however,  was  Mr.  SMARTLE'S  course ;  and  the  sole 
consolation  is  that,  owing  to  his  unprofessional  precipitation, 

V«L.    CXI.  < 


the  action  was  set  down  for  trial  previously  to  the  commence- 
ment of  the  Long  Vacation,  and  my  case  may  come  on  some  time 
next  lerm,  and  I  be  put  out  of  my  misery  at  the  close  of  the  year 

My  aforesaid  legal  adviser,  finding  that  I  adhered  with  the 
tenacity  of  bird-slime  to  my  determination  to  conduct  my  case 
in  person,  did  hint  in  no  ambiguous  language,  that  it  might 
perhaps  be  even  better  for  me  to  do  the  guy  next  November  to 
my  native  land,  and  snip  my  fingers  then  from  a  safe  distance 
at  the  plaintiff. 

But  it  is  not  my  practice  to  exhibit  a  white  feather  (except 
when  prostrated  by  severe  bodily  panics),  and  I  am  consumed 
by  an  ardent  impatience  to  air  my  fluencies  and  legal  learned- 
ness  before  the  publicity  of  a  London  Law  Court. 

Now,  begone  dull  care  I  for  I  am  to  dismiss  all  litigious 
thoughts  till  October  or  November  next,  and  become  a  Dolce 
far  niente,  chasing  the  deer  with  my  heart  in  the  Highlands. 

My  volunteering  acquaintance,  by  the  way,  has  declined  to  lend 
me  his  rifle,  on  the  transparent  pretence  that  it  was  contrary 
to  regulations,  and  that  it  was  not  the  bon  ton  to  pursue  grouse- 
birds  and  the  like  with  so  war-like  a  weapon. 

So,  on  young  HOWARD'S  advice,  I  made  the  purchase  from  a 
pawnbroker  of  a  lethal  instrument,  provided  with  a  duplicate 
bore,  so  that,  should  a  bird  happen  by  any  chance  to  escape  my 
first  barrel,  the  second  will  infallibly  make  him  bite  the  dust. 

I  have  also  purchased  some  cartridges  of  a  very  pleasing 
colour,  a  hunting  knife,  and  a  shot  belt  and  pouch,  and  if  I  can 
only  procure  some  inexpensive  kind  of  sporting  hound  from 
the  Dogs'  Homo,  I  shall  be  forewarned  and  forearmed  cap  a  pie 
for  the  perils  and  pleasures  of  the  chase. 

Miss  WEE- WEE  did  earnestly  advise  me,  inasmuch  as  I  was 
about  to  go  amongst  the  savage  hill  tribes  of  canny  Scotians, 
to  previously  make  myself  acquainted  with  their  idioms,  &c., 
for  which  purpose  she  lent  me  some  romances  written  entirely 
in  Caledonian  dialects,  and  the  composition  of  Hon.  Poet 
BTTRNS. 

But  hoity-toity  1  after  much  diligent  perusal,  I  arrived  at  the 
conclusion  that  such  works  were  sealed  books  to  the  most  in- 
telligent foreigner,  unless  he  is  furnished  with  a  good  Scotch 
grammar  and  dictionary. 

And  mirabile  dictu!  though  I  have  made  diligent  inquiries 
of  various  London  booksellers,  I  have  found  it  utterly  impossible 
to  obtain  such  works  in  England — a  haughty  and  arrogantly 
dispositioned  country,  more  inclined  to  teach  than  to  learn! 

How  many  of  your  boasted  British  Cabinet;  supposed  to 
rule  our  countless  millions  of  so-called  Indian  subjects,  would  be 
capable  to  sit  down  and  read  and  translate — correctly — a  single 
sentence  from  the  Mahabharat  in  the  original  ? 

Not  more,  I  shrewdly  suspect,  than  half  a  dozen  at  most ! 

So  it  is  not  to  be  expected  that  any  more  interest  would  be 
displayed  in  the  language  and  literature  of  a  country  like  Scot- 
land, which  is  notoriously  wild  and  barren,  and  less  densely  popu- 
lated and  productive  than  the  most  ordinary  districts  of  Bengal. 

Oh,  you  pusillanimous  Highland  chiefs  and  other  misters !  how 
long  will  you  tamely  submit  to  such  offhanded  treatment  ?  Will 
the  day  never  come  when,  with  whirling  sporrans  and  flashing 
pibrochs  you  will  rise  against  the  alien  oppressor,  and  demand 
Home  Rule?  together  with  the  total  abolition  of  present  dis- 
dainful British  insouciance? 

When  that  day  dawns — if  ever — please  note  this  piece  of 
private  intelligence  from  an  authorised  source :  Young  Bengal 
will  be  with  you  in  your  struggle  for  Autonomy.  If  not  in  body, 
assuredly  in  spirit.  Possibly  in  both. 

I  say  no  more,  in  case  I  should  be  accused  of  trying  to  stir  up 
seditious  feelings ;  but,  as  a  patriotic  Baboo  gentleman,  my 
blood  will  boil  occasionally  at  instances  of  stuck-up  English 
self-sufficiency,  and  the  worm  in  the  bud,  if  nipped  too  severely, 
may  blossom  into  a  rather  formidable  serpent ! 

As,  for  instance,  when,  in  the  course  of  an  inoffensive  prome- 
nade, I  am  addressed  by  an  underbred  street-urchin  as  a 
'  blooming  blacky,"  and  cannot  induce  a  policeman  to  compel 
my  aggressor  to  furnish  me  with  his  name  and  address  or  that 
of  his  parents,  or  even  to  offer  the  most  ordinary  apology. 

Enough  of  these  rather  bitter  reflections,  however.  I  omitted  to 
mention  that  I  am  also  the  proprietor  (at  the  same  pawnbroker's 
where  I  bought  my  breeches-loader  gun)  of  a  very  fine  second- 
land  salmon-rod,  a  great  bargain,  and  immense  value,  with 
which  I  hope  to  be  able  to  catch  a  great  quantity  of  fishes. 

For  there  is,  according  to  young  HOWARD,  good  fishing  in  a 
>urn  adjoining  the  Manse,  so  I  shall  follow  King  Solomon's 
njunctions,  and  not  spare  the  rod  and  spoil  the  salmons,  though 
f  I  should  happen  to  "spoil"  my  rod,  the  salmons  would  in- 
evitably in  consequence  be  "spared." 

This  is  a  sample  of  the  kind  of  verbal  pleasantries  in  which, 
when  in  exhilarated  high  spirits,  I  sometimes  facetiously  indulge. 


146 


PUNCH,     OR    THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI.  [SEPTEMBER  26,  1896. 


DESIGN  FOR  PROPOSED  STATUE  TO  BE  ERECTED  IN  CONSTANTINOPLE. 

(SUBSCRIPTIONS  INVITED.) 


EANJITSINH  JI ; 
OR,  A  NEW  LIGHT  OF  ASIA. 

HAIL,  HOTSPTTB,  of  a  losing  side  1 

Of  runs  you  're  never  stingy  ; 
Both  East  and  West  acclaim  with  pride 

Your  average,  RANJITSINHJI  ! 

"  Britons     should     form     an     '  England ' 
tfani " — 

That  rule  may  be  a  fit  'un, 
But  lives  there  one  who  'd  basely  dream 

He 's  not  a  "  Greater  Briton  "  ? 


To  England's  luck  let 's  beakers  quaff  1 
Though  "England"  still  we  style  it, 

'Tis  half  the  world — its  better  half  ; 
An  Empire,  not  an  islet. 

The  on-looker  expects  a  feast 

When  he  defends  the  wicket ; 
They  count  by  centuries  in  the  East, 

And  so  does  he  in  cricket. 

Punch  rings  thee  in  with  merry  chimes, 

Star  risen  in  far-off  Injy  1 
"  England  has  need  of  thee  " — sometimes — 

Slogging  Prince  RANJITSINHJI  I 


VIVAT    REGINA! 

[On  September  23  Her  Gracious  Majesty  will 
lave  happily  reigned  longer  than  any  of  her  prede- 
jessors  on  the  English  Throne.] 

Queen  Bess.  "  ODDS  MY  LIFE  1  SWEET  coz ! 
THOU  HAST  REIGNED  LONGER  THAN  THE  THIRD 
GEORGE,  AND  MORE  GLORIOUSLY  THAN  MY- 
SELF ! " 

"Farmer  George."  "HEY,  WHAT?  WHAT? 
WHAT  ?  REIGNED  LONGER  THAN  I  DID  ?  '  WHY 

THEN,    MY   BOYS,    LET  US  HAVE  A  HUZZAY  ! '" 

"  A  pattern  to  all  princes  living  with  her, 
And  all  that  shall  succeed. 
She  shall  be,  to  the  happiness  of  England, 
An  aged  princess ;  many  days  shall  see  her, 
And  yet  no  day  without  a  deed  to  crown  it." 
Henry  the  Eighth,  Act  V.,  Sc.  4. 


A  VALUABLE  FIND. 

(In  a  Family  Photograph  Album.) 

OLD  family  photos  1    No,  I  strike! 

I  really  can't,  my  best  of  cousins; 
I  know  exactly  what  they  're  like ; 
I  've  looked  at  dozens. 

A  chamber  of  horrors,  worst  of  shows ! — 

Well,  if  I  must — but  you  '11  do  showman  P 
Who's    that?     Aunt    SOPHY?     What    a 

nose  I 
It's  more  than  Roman. 

I  wonder  grandfather  got  "  took," 

His  "points"  somewhat  resemble  Tow- 

ser's — 

What  guys  our  worthy  fathers  look 
In  peg-top  trousers  1 

A  languid  one  of  Uncle  BEAU, 
Who's    that   beneath    him?  —  he    looks 

brisker. 

I  wonder  what  they  did  to  grow 
Such  yards  of  whisker. 

There  's  HUBERT,  with  a  queer  old  hat 

Standing  beside  him  on  the  table. 
They  all  got  taken  just  like  that — 
D'you  notice,  MABEL? 

And  mother  in  a  crinoline 

And  such  a  bonnet!     Oh,  I  hate  her! 
(The  sweetest  mother  ever  seen, 
Dear  little  mater!) 

Yourself  aged  two — and  what  a  grin  I — 
How  could  I  tell  ?     It 's  very  simple. 
Of  course  I  knew  you  by  your  chin; 
I  twigged  the  dimple  1 

Rude  boy !     Not  I.     That 's  CHARLIE,  eh  ? 

I  never  see  my  Scotch  relations, 
Utbough  they've  asked  me  up  to  stay 
In  long  vacations. 

Here's  ROSE!    How  she  and  I  and  WILL 

In  nursery  days  the  orchard  raided! 
I'm  glad  to  think  she's  blooming  still, 
Though  here  she 's  faded. 

And  who 's  the  roguish  little  girl ; 

I  '11  swear  it  isn't  you  or  MITTIE — 
With  saucy  eyes  and  hair  a-curl? — 
She 's  rather  pretty  1 

My  picture !     How  was  I  to  know  ? 

First  time,  I  vow,  I  've  ever  seen  it  1 
Me  five-and-twenty  years  ago ! 
By  Jove !  d'you  mean  it  ? 

'Twill  do  to  grace  some  future  Strand ; 
Celebrities — you  know  those  pages — 
Portrayed  in  various  fashions  and 
At  various  ages  1 


SEPTEMBER  26,  1896.]  PUNCH,     OR     THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI. 


147 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

(An  enamoured  Southron  endeavours  to  address  a 
Highland  Damsel  in  her  own  tongue.) 

YON  sky  is  bonny  blue,  fair  lass, 

But  you  boast  bluer  een ; 
Yon  sun  is  bricht  the  noo,  fair  lass, 

Your  locks  hae  brichter  sheen ; 
The  fowl  ahint  the  windy  scaur 

Flees  to  its  harne  awa', 
But,  oh  1  my  heart  is  fleeter  far 

Whene'er  I  hear  you  ca'. 

The  cushat  seeks  the  hazel  broch 

Therein  his  mate  to  woo, 
But  I  hie  to  the  mountain  loch 

To  lilt  my  lays  o'  lo'e. 
For  here  it  was  I  speered  you  first 

In  a'  your  pride  o'  race, 
You  set  my  ardent  soul  athirst 

When  I  gazed  on  your  face  I 

I  sat  me  down  beside  that  cairn, 

And  looked,  a  feckless  loon, 
On  you,  the  great  MACMTTCKLE'S  bairn, 

Wi'  ne'er  a  pair  o'  shoon ! 
Wi'  winsome  feet  sae  white  as  milk 

You  paddlit  i'  the  faem, 
Your  snoodless  locks,  sae  soft  as  silk, 

Whished  roun'  your  gouden  kaeml 

I  looked  and  looked,  and  marvelled  sair 

If  human  you  might  be ; 
You  laughed  to  see  the  wonder-stare 

That  came  frae  oot  my  ee. 
And  then  you  broke  the  eerie  spell, 

And  oh !  your  voice  was  douce ! 
Like  water  trickling  frae  a  shell, 

What  time  the  ebb  runs  loose  1 

An'  noo  I  maun  my  heart  declare  1 

(Would  you  could  hear  its  boat.) 
I've  lands,  and  siller,  too,  to  spare, 

An'  sic  a  hamestead  sweet  I 
I  ken  you  are  MAcMucKLE's  chiel, 

His  only  dearest  ane, 
But  tell  him  that  I  lo'e  you  weel, 

And  canna  bide  alane  I 


RETIREMENT  IN  RETREAT. 

(A  Possible  Page  from  a  Grand  Old  Diary. ) 

Monday.  —  Received  letter  begging  me 
to  establish  a  cosmopolitan  library.  Seems 
a  simple  idea.  The  notion  is  to  translate 
all  the  best  books  into  foreign  languages. 
For  instance,  turn  SHAKSPEABB  into  Chi- 
nese and  MOLIERB  into  Russian.  If  I  had 
not  made  up  my  mind  to  give  up  all  seri- 
ous literary  work  (save  magazine  articles, 
fresh  versions  of  Homer,  and  the  like) 
would  consider  the  matter.  But,  under 
the  circumstances,  think  it  best  to  de- 
cline. 

Tuesday.  —  Asked  to  re-organise  the 
State  defences.  A  few  years  since,  noth- 
ing would  have  pleased  me  better.  Of 
course,  know  a  good  deal  about  both  the 
Navy  and  the  Army.  Could  scarcely 
have  failed  to  pick  up  the  knowledge 
in  the  course  of  my  reading.  Have 
somewhere  or  other  plans  for  new  forts 
at  the  mouth  of  the  Thames,  round 
the  Isle  of  Wight,  and  on  the  more  pro- 
minent portions  of  the  Channel  Islands. 
Have  a  scheme  for  national  mobilization 
in  one  of  my  pigeon-holes.  Might  do 
something,  too,  with  my  double-action 
rudder  and  extra  explosive  gun  cotton. 
But  perhaps  better  leave  the  matter  in 
younger  hands.  Not  that  I  shrink  from 
the  responsibility,  but  doctor's  orders  are, 
after  all,  doctor's  orders. 

Wednesday. — A  most  polite  correspon- 
dent again  urges,  me  to  complete  the  fede- 


TWO    SIDES    TO    A    QUESTION. 

"On,  FLORA,  LET  us  BF  MAN  AND  WIFE.     You  AT  LEAST  UNDERSTAND  ME — THE  ONLY 
WOMAN  WHO  EVER  DID  !' 

"On  YES;  I  UNDERSTAND   YOU  WELL  ENOUGH,  SIR  ALGERNON.     BUT  HOW  ABOUT  YOUR 

EVER   BEING  ABLE  TO   UNDERSTAND  MB?" 


ration  of  the  English-speaking  races. 
Hare  of  course,  like  every  one  else,  i 
suppose,  the  scheme  worked  out  on  paper. 
No  serious  difficulty ;  but,  to  carry  out  the 
idea  properly,  one  should  visit  the  various 
parti  of  the  empire  in  person.  No  objec- 
tion to  a  trip  to  Australia,  India,  and 
Canada,  but  doing  the  Cape  and  the  Mau- 
ritius would  be  weary  work.  So  reluc- 
tantly forced  to  decline. 

Thursday.  —  For  the  fiftieth  or  six- 
tieth time  this  year  I  am  implored  to 
undertake  an  oratorical  tour.  I  am  to 
create  enthusiasm  in  England,  Scotland, 
and  Wales.  Not  a  difficult  matter.  In 
fact,  have  done  it  before.  Still,  I  must 
remember  that  I  am  not  as  young  as  I 
was,  say,  fifty  years  ago.  However,  very 
tempting  proposal,  but  afraid  I  can't 
accept. 

Friday.  — "  Will  I  save  the  British 
farmer  ? "  Same  old  question.  All  I 
have  to  do  is  to  establish  jam  manufac- 
tories in  every  part  of  the  United  King- 
dom. I  have  often  thought  of  doing  this, 
but  never  have  had  the  time.  I  could 
work  all  the  empty  farms  at  the  same 
time.  I  don't  know  why  I  shouldn't,  but 
"  powers  that  are  "  say  I  mustn't. 

Saturday. — Cannot  remain  inactive  any 
longer.  Asked  to  speak  at  a  public  meet- 
ing to  denounce  the  lowest  scoundrel  that 
ever  disgraced  the  nineteenth  century ! 
Of  course  I  will,  and  what 's  more,  if  they 
don't  listen  to  me,  I  will  raise  the  nation 
in  revolt,  provoke  a  general  election,  come 
in  at  the  head  of  the  poll,  and  resume  my 
old  rooms  in  Downing  Street!  To  think 
of  the  knave  continuing  his  roguery  1 
Well,  it  is  not  too  late,  and  I  am  fit  for 
anything  1 

Sunday. — Customary  service.  Very 
soothing.  Calm  and  sedate.  Perhaps, 
after  all,  I  had  hotter  reconsider  the  situa- 
tion, or  at  any  rate  curtail  the  pro- 
gramme. 


A  CLERICAL   TRIPPER. 

[The  Vicar  of  France  -  Lynch,  near  Stroud, 
proposes  to  teach  the  girls  of  the  village  to  dance 
during  the  winter  months.] 

HERE  's  a  cheer  for  this  sensible  vicar  1 
May  he  ever  keep  time  like  a  "  ticker  "  I 

As  he  gracefully  shows 

The  address  of  his  toes, 
May  his  classes  grow  thicker  and  thicker ! 

In  the  valse  let  him  swim  con  amore  ! 
Let  him  polk  with  persistent  furore! 

In  galop  none  quicker, 

In  lancers  a  kicker, 
Let  him  rival  the  jeunesse  stage-dor^e  / 
Let  the  Puritans  banter  and  bicker, 
Here 's  his  health  in  a  pint  of  malt  liquor  1 

Let  each  Terpsichorean 

Re-echo  the  p;ean, 
"  Success  to  the  hops  of  the  vicar  1 " 


"For  the  Rain  it  raineth  everyday." 

Parson  (to  farmer,  whose  barley  is 
sprouting) .  Miserable  weather,  Mr.  Roots ! 

Farmer.  Aye,  it  be  a  sort  of  judgment 
on  them  folks  as  was  so  plaguey  anxious 
to  pray  for  rain  last  July. 

[Parson  hurries  on. 

To  the   Cormorant  in  Kew  Gardens. 

POOR  bird  I  quite  alone 

You  sit  on  a  stone, 
And  dream  that  you  once  were  a  flyer ; 

No  more  shall  you  range, 

E'en  your  plumage  must  change, 
Since  you  live  'neath  the  rule  of  a  Dyer. 

At  Corfe   Castle. 

Professor  (to  assembled  picnickers).  I 
would  remark  that  this  ancient  ruin  is 
memorable  for  the  use  of  the  knife— 

Hungry  Pilgrim  (interrupting).  And 
fork.  Here  goes  for  that  veal  and  ham 
pie  I  [Historical  lecture  postponed. 


148 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  26,  1896. 


SOME  CIPHER  WIRES. 

From  No.  1,  New  York,  to  friend  in  England. 

AM  leaving  for  Europe  Thursday.  Al 
safe.  Police  have  not  least  suspicion 
My  movements  quite  unknown  to  them. 

From  Detective  Shadow,  New  York,  to  Scotland 
Yard,  England. 

Our  man  sails  for  England  Thursday 
Have  secured  berth  in  cabin  adjoining. 


Friend  in  England  to  No.  1,  New  York. 

Be  very  careful — don't  think  we  are  sus- 
pected, but  you  never  know. 

No.  1  (reply). 

Nothing  to  fear.  Police  absolutely  ig- 
norant of  my  appearance  and  whereabouts 

have  given  me  up  long  ago.      Shall  go 
from  Liverpool  to  Paris  and  thence  Bou- 
logne. 
From  Shadow,  New  York,  to  Scotland  Yard. 

No.  1  has  shaved  off  beard  and  greatly 
altered  appearance.     Will  probably  go  to 
Paris  and  then   to   Boulogne.      Shall   ac- 
ompany,  of  course. 

From  No.  1,  Boulogne,  to  friend  in  London. 

Most  cowardly  of  you  to  have  mis- 
givings. Police  all  fat-heads,  and  know 
positively  nothing  of  my  movements. 

From  Shadow,  Boulogne,  to  Scotland  Yard. 

Our  man  over-eat  himself  to-day — said 
beef  was  tough  at  dinner — stood  him  two 
whiskies  afterwards,  when  I  noticed  he 
lad  one  waistcoat  button  missing,  and 
was  wearing  pair  of  new  boots.  Wire  me 
when  you  'd  like  him. 

From  No.  1,  Boulogne,  to  friend  in  London. 

Manufacture  proceeding  most  expedi- 
iously — shall  be  ready  for  forcible  action 
n  a  week.  Have  no  fear — we  are  abso- 
utely  safe,  and  police  do  not  even  sus- 
pect. 

From  Scotland  Yard  to  Shadow,  Boulogne. 

Think  we  should  like  our  friend  to- 
morrow. 

From  Shadow,  Boulogne,  to  Scotland  Yard. 
Certainly.     Will  annex  him  to-night. 


The  Dainty  Fancy  of  Love. 

He  (after  hearing  Miss  Clorinda  war- 

).  Do  you  know  that  you  reminded  me 
of  an  Indian  Prince  just  now. 

Miss  C.  An  Indian  prince !     How  ? 

He   (impressively).     Because   you    were 
Dew-lip-sing.     May  I,  sweetheart? 

[Sample  exchanged. 


HEARTS  ALL  ROUND. 

(A  Memory  of  the  Past,  with  a  Moral  for  the 
Present. ) 

"  Pray  God  our  greatness  may  not  fail 
Thro'  craven  fears  of  being  great.' ' 
TENNYSON. 

GREAT  patriot  voice,  though  silent  now, 

Yet  sounding  on  the  air  of  song 
In  endless  echoings  ;    laurelled  brow, 
All  reverence  ;   did  a  giant  wrong 
Rise  in  thine  England's  road,  thy  cry 

Was  for  resistance  to  the  death, 
Seeing  that  freedom — though  to  die — 
Was  our  soul's  soul,  our  life,  our  breath. 

"  Hands  all  round  !  " 
So  in   our  ears  that  clarion  voice   did 

sound, 

And  so  it  sounds  to-day  from  cliff  to  cliff 
Of  the  white  coasts  of  England  round 
and  round. 

"First  pledge  our  Queen!"    And  so  we  do 

Her  sixty  years  of  splendid  reign, 
By  compact  with  earth's  craven  crew 

Of  despots,  we  care  not  to  stain. 
Even  the  dumb-dog  policy 

Of  acquiescent  silence  irks. 
Mute  conscience  cannot  bend  the  knee 
To  oppressors,  Muscovites  or  Turks. 

Hearts  all  round 
Burn  at  the  tale  of  hearths  in  hearts 

blood  drowned 
To  sate  the  throned  Assassin's  murderous 

hate, 

Whilst    like     poor    muzzled    curs    the 
Powers  crouch  round. 

Oh  1  Queen,  to  whom  all  hearts  to-day 

Turn  loyally ;  oh  I  youthful  Tsar, 
Her  honoured  guest,  hailed  on  thy  way 
As  peace-protecting  "Lord  of  War"; 
The  secular  East  ye  hold  in  fee 

Between  you,  royal  host  and  guest! 
ts  there  no  way  joint  wit  may  see 
In  honour's  cause  to  band  the  West? 

Hands  all  round, 
And    hearts,     and    heads,     humble     or 

proudly  crowned! 
tn  the  great  name  of  Peace  clasp  hands 

as  friends, 

Link  hearts  for  mere  humanity  round 
and  round ! 

Vnd  ye,  ye  "loyal  hearts  who  long 

To  keep  our  English  empire  whole  "  1 
Sons  of  tne  stout  old  Northland,  strong 
To  scour  earth's  seas  from  pole  to  pole ; 
ale  silence  which  red  guilt  condones 
Is  not  your  fashion  from  of  old. 
Speak  out,  speak  all,  in  manful  tones  I 
Honour  hath  claims  as  well  as  Gold ! 

Tongues  all  round 
Speak  for  plain  Bight  with  no  uncertain 

sound, 
n  the  joint  name  of  England  speak,  as 

friends 

Of  faith  and  truth   and  honour  round 
and  round  I 

And  ye,  our  statesmen,  see  ye  be 

"  True  leaders  of  the  land's  desire." 
When  at  the  sights  men  sit  and  see 

Slow-moving  Saxon  spirits  fire. 
We  urge  you  not  to  a  mad  rush 

That  may  wake  war,  or  shake  the  State, 
iut — see  that  Britons  need  not  blush 
For  craven  counsels  all  too  late. 

Hands  all  round! 
In   patriot  bonds,   not   party    shackles, 

bound. 

Jound — not  for   faction's    gain,    but    na- 
tional pride, 

And  the  good  name  of  England  round 
and  round. 


And  you,  old  chieftain,  white  and  worn, 

But  wakeful  still  at  honour's  call, 
Whose  lifted  voice,  like  ROLAND'S  horn 

At  Roncesvalles,  rouses  all, 
Sound  the  alarm,  reveille  raise, 

In  England's  and  in  honour's  name  1 
Faction's  least  touch  would  mar  the  praise, 
Party's  least  bias  blot  the  fame. 

Hands  ail  round ! 
That  should  ring  clearly  in  the  clarion's 

sound, 
That     should     base     faction's     skulking 

hope  confound. 
In  the  great  cause   of  honour  rouse  her 

friends, 

And  the  good  fame  of  England  round 
and  round! 


NOTES  OF  A  LITTLE  CRUISE  IN  A 
LARGE  YACHT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  LOG  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

Greenock,  Saturday  Morning. — Curious 
arrangement  of  the  sleeping  berths  in  the 
train  which  brought  us  up  ("  Like  a  mush- 
room," SARK  says)  in  the  night.  Not 
equally  divided.  One  side  sacrifices  some- 
thing of  its  width  to  corridor  passing  full 
length  of  car.  Depends  upon  which  side 
you  happen  to  be  ticketed  for  whether 
you  get  a  broad  bed  or  a  narrow  one. 

Oddly  enough,  SARK  didn't  get  the 
broad  bed.  Almost  wish  he  had.  Being 
short  of  temper,  and  bulky  in  person,  he 
spent  an  appreciable  part  of  my  night's 
rest  in  grumbling.  He  was  particularly 
angry  because  we  had  each  alike  paid  five 
shillings  for  our  bed. 

"  If  you  have  five  shillings'  worth  of 
bed,"  he  woke  me  up  to  say,  the  idea  pre- 
senting itself  to  him  at  3.20  A.M.,  "mine 
doesn't  run  beyond  three-and-nine-penny- 
worth  at  the  most." 

It 's  a  pity  men  allow  these  trifling  mat- 
ters to  annoy  them.  If  such  a  thing  hap- 
pens again,  I  think — the  idea  didn't  occur 
-o  me  till  we  were  running  into  Greenock 
station  this  morning,  when  it  was  of 
course  top  late  to  carry  it  out — I  '11  change 
jerths  with  SARK. 

Off  Arran,  Sunday. — The  India  is  the 
atest  message  the  P.  «fc  O.  Co.  have  sent 
x)  the  sea.  She  is  magnificent  in  all  ways. 


Eight  thousand  tons  burden.      Chairman 

SUTHERLANDJ  K.C.M.G.,  says,  with  gleam 

of  triumph  in  his  eyes,  she  is  of  10,000 

lorse-power.     I  wonder  where  they  keep 

he    horses.       In    the    hold,    I    suppose. 

dust  be  stuffy  in  the  Red  Sea,  and  dread- 

ully  monotonous.     SARK  says  he  believes 

hey  are  sea-horses,   which   will  probably 

make  all  the  difference. 

Arranged  when  the  cruise  was  planned 
hat  India  should  proceed  from  Clyde  to 
)ublin.  Last  night  route  altered.  Captain 


SEPTEMBER  26,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


149 


BKISCOE  says  there  "isn't  enough  water."  Seems  strange.  Al 
ways  heard  that  if  there  was  a  drawback  to  attractiveness  o 
Ireland,  it  was  the  too  constant  rain.  Certainly  it  has  been  a  dry 
summer  with  us.  Water  famine  at  East  End  and  the  like 
Probably  average  not  yet  made  up  at  Dublin.  However  it  be 
instead  of  crossing  Channel  to  Ireland,  we  steer  up  Scotch  coas 
to  Lamlash  Bay.  A  fresh  injustice  to  Ireland. 

After  luncheon,  went  ashore.  Some  question  whether  w< 
should  be  able  to  land.  Rumour  current  that  the  pier  is  locket 
up  on  Sundays.  Advanced  cautiously.  Reconnoitred.  Not  « 
soul  in  sight.  Landed  on  pier.  At  gate  a  board  proclaimed  tha' 
a  fee  of  two-pence  is  levied  on  every  passenger.  Feel  for 
our  coppers.  A  ghostly  silence  reigns  over  hut  whence  collector 
might  be  expected  to  spring.  Gate  open ;  we  walk  through  un 
taxed.  Hope  the  collector  not  regarding  us  from  window  of  one 
of  the  houses  near.  Pitiful  to  think  of  his  emotions  on  seeing 
bang  go  at  least  twenty  twopences  uncollected. 

Turning  to  the  left,  we  come  on  a  long  street,  facing  the  turf- 
edged  sea.  This  is  Lamlash,  a  congeries  of  lodging-houses,  none 
more  than  a  story  high.  The  lodgers  are  mostly  on  the  cole 
ground,  sitting  on  chairs  or  benches  in  front  of  their  apartments 
They  don't  talk,  much  less  "  whustle."  The  nearest  approach  to 
carnality  is  the  possession  of  a  spy-glass.  Coming  from  Glas- 
gow, and  further  inland,  this  gives  the  final  touch  of  iiautica 
circumstance  to  the  too  brief  holiday.  From  time  to  time  one 
puts  up  his  spy-glass,  slowly  surveys  scene  in  the  bay,  and 
solemnly  brings  the  glass  back  to  his  knee.  They  must  have  seen 
it  all  before  through  many  days.  Nevertheless,  at  brief  intervals 
they  sweep  the  horizon,  always  beginning  at  the  same  place,  anc 
with  slow  motion  leaving  off  as  before. 

"I  think,"  said  SARK,  involuntarily  dropping  his  voice  to  a 
whisper,  "  they  're  looking  out  for  Monday,  when  they  can  talk 
to  each  other  again,  bustle  around,  bathe,  or  even  catch  mussels." 
A  fair  scene  of  Sabbath  peace,  broken  only  by  the  lapping  oJ 
the  waves  among  the  sea-weed  on  the  beach.  Meeting  an  elderly 
gentleman,  looking  uncomfortable  in  an  aggressively  square- 
built  suit  of  rusty  black,  I  ventured  to  expatiate  on  the  beauty 
of  the  scene.  The  patriot  Scot  evidently  pleased  at  the 
artless  enthusiasm  of  a  mere  Southron.  He  hadn't  a  spy-glass 
with  him,  having  evidently  just  come  out  of  church.  But  he 
looked  round  in  search  of  some  climax  in  the  peerless  beauty  of 
the  scene  with  which  he  might  cap  my  remark  that  the  people 
living  here  were  very  fortunate,  and  ought  to  be  happy. 

'  D'ye  see  that  vessel  lyin'  avre  there  ?  "  he  said,  pointing  to  a 
good-looking  craft,  but  as  a  penny  steamer  beside  our  stately 
liner.  "  Weel,  that 's  the  Jupiter.  She  sails  every  day  between 
Greenock  and  Lamlash.  She's  the  fastest  boat  on  the  Clyde, 
and  forbye  that  she  beats  them  a'  for  breakfasts.  Man,  when  ye 
tak'  ane  o'  her  breakfasts  ye  need  neither  dinner  nor  supper,  and' a' 
for  twa  shillings  a  head.  If  ye  tak'  a  dozen  tickets  at  a  time  ye 
get  them  for  eighteen  pence  apiece.  Sixteen  breakfasts  for  the 
price  of  twelve  1 " 

As  the  old  gentleman  spoke,  the  light  of  the  setting  sun  falling 
en  his  furrowed  face  brightened  it  with  a  look  of  ecstasy.  Six- 
teen breakfasts  for  the  price  of  twelve!  At  Lamlash  life  is 
certainly  worth  living. 

Plymouth  Harbour,  Tuesday. — SARK  is  not  in  good  luck  this 
trip.  The  narrow  bed — "Put  in  it  before  my  time,"  he  says, 
gruffly — was  bad  enough.  This  morning  was  worse.  Thought  he 
would  try  the  spray  bath,  of  which  he  had  heard  high  approval. 
It's  a  framework  of  perforated  pipes,  within  which  you  stand, 
turn  a  wheel-handle,  and  water,  hot  or  cold,  dashes  forth  in  fine 
thick  rain.  SARK  had  heard  that  the  thing  to  do  is  to  turn  on 
both  handles,  modifying  the  heat  according  to  taste.  He  began 
with  that  labelled  "  hot  water." 

It  was  surprisingly  hot.  SARK  dashed  at  the  handle ;  gave  it 
another  screw,  meaning  to  turn  the  water  off.  In  excitement 
of  moment,  blinded  with  the  dashing  spray,  agonised  by  the  nearly 
boiling  water,  he  turned  it  wrong  way.  The  water  played  upon 
him  with  redoubled  force  and  heat. 


boiled  condition  lending  an  almost  evil  glare  to  the  countenance 
turned  upon  me. 

In  the  Channel,  Thursday. — Steaming  up  Channel.  A  fine 
autumn  day,  with  the  sea,  blue  as  the  Mediterranean,  tossing 
up  countless  white  caps  for  pure  joy  at  being  alive.  The  very 
day  to  sit  on  deck  and  read  Report  (just  out)  of  Financial  Rela- 
tions between  Great  Britain  and  Ireland.  Have  done  so,  and 
now,  with  Tilbury  in  sight,  am  in  hopelessly  dazed  condition. 
Talk  about  conference  of  Kilkenny  cats,  or  meetings  of  Irish 
Members  in  Committee  Room  No.  15,  they  were  monotonously 


"DlD  YE   SEE  THE   LORD   MAYOR  WHEN   YOU  WAS  UP  TO   LUNNON  ? " 

"AYE,  LAD,  I  DID." 

"  DE'   *E   GANG  ABOOT   Wl'   A   CHAIN  ?"  "  No  ;   'E   GANGS   LOOSE  !  " 


unanimous  as  compared  with  this  Commission.  The  result  is  un- 
paralleled amongst  Blue  Books. 

First  of  all  eleven  of  the  thirteen  commissioners  agree 
to  a  final  joint  report,  which  they  sign.  Item:  This 
done,  five  of  them,  the  Chairman,  Mr.  REDMOND,  Mr. 
MARTIN,  Mr.  HUNTER,  and  Mr.  WOLFF  presents  a  report  on 
their  own  account.  Item:  Lord  FARRER,  Lord  WELBY,  and  Mr. 
'URRIE  hand  in  their  report.  Item :  Lord  WELBY  drafts  a  memo- 
randum declaring  wherein  he  disagrees  from  Lord  FARRER  and  Mr. 
DURRIE,  whose  report  he  has  signed.  Item:  Mr.  SEXTON,  Mr. 
BLAKE,  and  Mr.  SLATTERY  sign  a  fourth  report.  Item:  Mr. 
BLAKE  sets  forth,  at  considerable  length,  points  of  difference  he 
lolds  with  Mr.  SEXTON  arid  Mr.  SLATTERY,  whose  report 
arries  his  signature.  Item:  Sir  DAVID  BARBOXJR  has  a 
report  that  no  one  else  will  sign,  even  with  the  privi- 
ege  of  supplementing  it  by  a  memorandum  showing  how  it 
is,  in  the  main,  hopelessly  wrong.  Item:  Sir  THOMAS  SUTHER- 
LAND, not  to  be  outdone,  presents  a  masterly  report  demonstra- 
ting the  unfairness  and  the  impracticability  of  everything  but  his 
own  particular  plan. 

Am  glad  to  have  dropped  anchor  off  Tilbury.  A  delightful 
voyage,  a  noble  ship,  a  princely  host,  charming  company.  But 
after  studying  the  Report  of  the  Royal  Commission  on  the 
Financial  Relations  between  Great  Britain  and  Ireland  one  has 
a  strange,  strong  hankering  for  terra  firma. 


WAIST   NOT    WASTE    NOT. 

(Paradoxical  but  Important.) 

"!N  Paris  the  'wasp'  waist  is  off,"  they  declare. 

This  is  excellent  news  to  the  wholesome  and  tasteful. 
Adopt  a  full  waist  if  your  health  you  would  spare, 

It  is  the  spare  waist  that  is  wasteful ! 
A  woman  wastes  health  in  each  creak  and  each  gasp, 
For  a  waist  that  is  only  a  grace — in  a  wasp  I 


150 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  26,  1896. 


A    PLEASANT    PROSPECT. 

Sportsman  (who  has  mounted  Friend).  "  LOOK  HERE,  TOM,  YOU  MUST  MIND  HE  DOESN'T  KICK  HOUNDS,  AND  I  WOULDN'T  JUMP  HIM, 

AS  HS  KNOWS  NOTHING  ABOUT  IT.      So,    IF  THEY   HAPPEN   TO  GET  AWAY,    YOU  *D   BETTER  TAKE  HIM   HOME.      SEE  !  " 

[Nice  for  Tom,  who  has  driven  twenty  miles  before  daylight  in  order  to  enjoy  a  morning's  cubbing. 


ROUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

"THE  UNIVERSAL  LITERARY  SUPPLY  COMPANY,  LIMITED." 
(Continued,) 

WHEN  the  manager  asked  me  in  this  matter-of-fact  way  if  he 
should  show  me  one  or  two  heroines,  I  was  naturally  somewhat 
taken  aback.  My  reply  was  cautious.  "Is  it  quite  safe?"  I 
asked. 

"Oh,  perfectly.  You  see,  we  keep  them  low  in  the  matter  of 
diet ;  they  only  get  an  elopement  once  a  week,  and  a  divorce 
about  once  every  two  months.  Their  ordinary  food  while  they 
remain  in  this  establishment  is  English  Grammars  mixed  with 
History  Primers.  It 's  curious  how  they  dislike  it  at  first,  but 
they  soon  get  used  to  it  and  thrive  very  fairly,  though  of  course 
they  can't  get  very  fierce  on  that.  They  all  know  me.  I  make 
it  a  point  to  feed  them  myself.  I  really  should  like  to  show  you 
some  specimens."  He  unlocked  the  front  of  the  huge  box  before 
which  we  were  standing,  and  called  out  "  HEHMIONE,  ROSAMUND," 
whereupon,  to  my  intense  surprise,  two  fully-grown  females 
issued  forth.  They  immediately  began  to  dance  round  the 
manager  with  the  most  lively  demonstrations  of  affection,  patted 
his  head,  stroked  his  cheeks,  and  kissed  his  hands.  "  Down, 
HBEMIONB,  down,  ROSAMUND,  down  at  once  1 "  he  exclaimed ; 
"  you  are  simply  covering  me  with  scent.  This,"  he  continued, 
addressing  me,  and  pointing  to  HERMIONK,  "  is  one  of  our  Hill- 
Top  heroines.  Do  you  notice  her  wealth  of  auburn  hair,  bound  in 
simple  tresses,  and  the  candid  look  in  her  deep,  liquid  eyes? 
She  can  blush  more  virginally  than  any  similar  article  we  have 
ever  provided.  Then  she  can  defy  the  world  and  its  conventions, 
and  die  quite  beautifully  on  a  trestle  bed  in  a  dingy  and  un- 
carpeted  three  pair  back.  HENBT"  (this  was  to  one  of  the 
clerks),  "  is  this  article  sold  ?  " 


"  Yes,  Sir ;  sold  this  morning  to  a  lady.  She  's  to  be  fetched 
away  to-morrow." 

"  Ah,"  said  the  manager,  "  I  thought  she  wouldn't  remain  long 
stock.  Now  ROSAMUND  is  entirely  different.  She 's  the  typical 
English  girl,  not  very  clever,  but  very  wholesome.  Just  observe 
her  sun-burnt  complexion  and  her  swinging  stride.  We  generally 
sell  this  kind  with  a  brother  or  two  to  play  cricket  with.  The 
purchaser  is  expected  to  provide  bicycles.  It  used  to  be  lawn- 
tennis  implements,  but  we  recommend  bicycles  now.  I  'm 
sorry  to  say  we  Ve  had  ROSAMUND  on  our  hands  for  some  time, 
and  I  really  don't  know  when  we  shall  be  able  to  dispose  of  her. 
A  good  many  years  ago  we  did  an  enormous  business  in  ROSA- 
MUNDS, but  the  demand  has  gone  down  terribly.  Still,  we  always 
keep  one  or  two  in  case  we  should  be  suddenly  called  on  to 
supply  them.  One  never  knows.  Now  then,  you  two,  trot  away 
back  to  your  box."  It  was  quite  touching  to  notice  how  meekly 
the  two  heroines  obeyedV. 

I  SHOULD  have  mentioned  that  the  further  end  of  the  room  was 
divided  off  by  a  wooden  partition.  I  ventured  to  ask  what 
particular  business  was  transacted  there. 

"That,"  said  my  guide,  "is  our  Scotch  department.  It's 
a  very  profitable  concern,  and  I  rather  pride  myself  on  having 
persuaded  the  directors  to  establish  it.  One  must  keep  up  with 
the  times,  and  if  there 's  one  thing  the  times  seem  to  want  more 
than  another  it's  Scotch  goods.  I  fancy  we  can  do  pawky 
humour  better  than  any  other  house  in  the  trade,  and  I  'm  quite 
certain  that  our  special  line  in  peasant  pathos  is  absolutely  un- 
equalled. Just  step  in  with  me  and  have  a  look  round." 

We  passed  through  the  swinging  door  that  led  into  the  Scotch 
department,  and  found  ourselves  in  the  midst  of  a  scene  of  busy 
activity.  A  score  or  so  of  clerks,  men  and  women,  were  engaged 
in  cutting  tartans  of  every  variety,  and  making  them  up  into 
plaids  and  kilts.  A  confusion  of  strange  sounds  assailed  my  ears. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON     CHARIVARI.— SEPTEMBER  26,  1896. 


A   STRONG  APPEAL! 


"  THAT  COERCION,  WHICH  OUGHT  LONG  AGO  TO  HAVE  BEEN  APPLIED  TO  HIM  (THE  SULTAN), 
MIGHT  EVEN  NOW  BE  THE  MEANS  OF  AVERTING  ANOTHER  SERIES  OF  MASSACRES,  POSSIBLY  EVEN 
EXCEEDING  THOSE  WHICH  WE  HAVE  ALREADY  SEEN." 

Extract  from,  Mr.  Gladstone' »  letter  to  Mr.  Crowley,  of  Manchester. 


SEPTEMBER  26,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


153 


"  Now  then,  look  alive  with  the  haggis,"  "  send  along  the  hoots- 
toots,  and  be  sharp  with  them,"  "  Elders  for  three  and  discourse 
for  two,"  "Six  braw  Heelanders  in  order."  Such  were  some  oi 
the  curious  phrases  that  were  hurtling  about.  I  was  introducec 
to  the  head  clerk.  "  A  very  interesting  man,"  whispered  the 
manager ;  "  was  a  Free  Kirk  Minister  once,  and  used  to  preach 
wonderfully,  but  had  to  give  it  up  owing  to  nerves.  He 's  really 
most  useful  to  us,  most  useful ;  has  a  thorough  knowledge  of  al 
the  dialects,  and  for  salmon-rivers  and  golf-links  I  would  back 
him  against  any  one  you  could  name."  I  bowed  respectfully  to 
the  ex-minister,  and  engaged  him  in  conversation  for  a  few 
moments.  I  regret  to  say,  however,  that  I  failed  to  grasp  the 
meaning  of  his  remarks.  When  he  asked  me  to  "Come  awa 
ben,"  I  murmured  something  to  the  effect  that  my  name  was 
not  BENJAMIN,  and  as  the  situation  seemed  to  be  getting 
strained,  I  was  glad  when  the  manager  took  me  away. 


WE  next  went  upstairs  into  another  large  room.  "This 
is  one  of  our  show-rooms,"  explained  the  manager;  "please  be 
very  careful  where  you  step.  I  'm  afraid  the  place  isn't  as  tidy 
as  it  t>ught  to  be.  We're  simply  littered  with  French  Kings 
and  Cardinals  just  now.  Everybody  wants  them,  and  as  they  're 
a  very  bloodthirsty  lot  their  keep  comes  rather  expensive.  Those 
are  French  girls,  daughters  of  Counts  or  Sieurs,  and  as  brave  and 
patient  and  loving  as  we  can  make  them.  We  provide  them  al] 
with  our  own  patent  action  for  battlement-climbing  and  hanging 
over  rocky  ramparts  by  ropes  while  the  bullets  whistle  round 
them.  It's  an  ingenious  toy.  Of  course  we  require  a  gallant 
young  knight  or  two  to  make  it  work  thoroughly.  The  gallant 
young  knights  are  generally  fools,  but  the  public  seems  to  like 
them.  Ah,  that's  our  case  of  cheap  murders.  Pretty  things, 
aren't  they  P" 

I  ASKED  the  manager  if  there  was  much  doing  in  poetry  just  at 
present.  "Not  very  much,"  he  replied;  "poetry's  a  bit  off. 
We  used  to  sell  quite  a  number  of  ballades  and  things,  and  I  've 
seen  as  many  as  a  dozen  minors  in  here  at  one  time  buying 
rhymes  and  stanzas  and  other  brittle  goods ;  but  that  was  some 
years  ago.  Somebody  or  other  had  died,  a  Laureate,  or  some- 
thing or  that  sort,  and  there  was  a  good  deal  of  competition  for 
the  place.  We  sold  a  great  number  of  our  shilling  packets  of 
rhymes.  But  on  the  whole  it 's  not  a  particularly  paying  busi- 
ness, and  we  're  thinking  of  giving  it  up  altogeter.  We  've  had 


we  do."  The  manager  pointed  to  a  polished  mahogany  case  on 
the  floor.  "  Just  look  at  the  finish  of  that,"  he  said ;  "  you  can't 
approach  it  anywhere  else.  Why,  the  case  itself  is  well  worth 
the  money  we  charge  for  it,  let  alone  the  contents.  It's  our 
guinea  box  of  allsorts" — he  began  ticking  them  off  on  his  fingers — 
''  containing  one  dozen  best  interviews,  two  hundred  high-class 
quotations,  specially  selected,  six  sporting  anecdotes,  four  de- 
tectives, with  our  own  inscrutable  smile  and  a  revolver  apiece, 
two  doctors — they  're  a  capital  substitute  for  detectives — one 
Satan,  as  used  by  Miss  COEELLI,  sadness,  patent-leather  boots, 
gentlemanly  breeding,  and  odour  of  brimstone  all  complete, 
twenty-five  literary  causeries,  fifteen  dialogue-stories,  and  an 
assortment  of  East  End  slang.  Oh,  it 's  a  magnificent  bargain, 
that 's  what  it  is.  Let  me  tempt  you  with  it  ?  " 


To  be  brief,  I  was  tempted  and  I  succumbed.  But  up  to  the 
present  I  have  had  no  opportunity  of  making  use  of  my  remark- 
able purchase.  Still,  it  is  certain  to  come  in  useful  sooner  or 
later.  I  hope  before  long  to  pay  another  visit  to  my  friend,  the 
manager  of  the  Universal  Literary  Supply  Company,  Limited. 

In  the  Editorial  Sanctum. 

Editor  and  Proprietor.  Well,  how  are  the  "ads"? 

Manager  and  Editor.  As  usual  at  this  time  of  year,  deuced 
bad.  We  must  fill  the  paper  somehow.  How  would  it  be  to 
send  GUSHBY  to  write  up  the  watering  places  of  Russia  ? 

E.  and  P.  Preposterous!  Look  at  the  expense.  Here,  I 
have  it !  Tell  SMILAX  to  write  a  letter  on  the  joys  of  polygamy, 
and  then  let  the  public  run  loose. 

M.  and  E.  (admiringly).  What  a  man  you  are,  to  be  sure  1 

E.  and  P.  (beaming).  That's  why  I  always  appeal  to  the 
women. 


To  DETECTIVE  MELVILLE.- 
Office? 


-Why  not  start  a  Sherlock  Holmes 


ill 

A    HONEYMOON    OUTING. 

Ernest  (faintly).   "  VERA,  DARLING,  I  DO  BELIEVE  I  'M  THE  WORST 
SAILOR  ON  EARTH  !  " 

Vera  (ditto).   "I  WOULDN'T  MIND   THAT  so   MUCH,  IF  /WASN'T  so 

BAD   ON   THE   WATER  !  " 


THE   PORTRAIT-PIPE. 

(By  a  Bachelor  Devotee  of  Baccy. ) 

[The  portrait-pipe  is  a  growing  fad  in  America.  FREDERICK  GEBHARDT, 
married  to  a  Baltimore  beauty,  wished  to  have  a  pipe  made  in  the  likeness  of 
his  wife.  A  month  later  he  received  the  pipe  and  a  bill  for  800  dollars.] 

PUT  that  in  your  pipe  ardent  bachelor  smokers  I 

A  wife  is  expensive  at  all  times,  no  doubt ; 
At  least,  so  assert  the  misogynist  croakers, 

Who  swear  'tis  a  thing  a  man 's  better  without. 
Some  have  had  to  make  choice  between  wife  and  tobacco, 

The  weed  and  the  woman,  the  puff  and  the  pet, 
The  pleasures  mere  males  to  the  feminine  pack  owe 

Are  purchased  most  dearly  in  that  way,  you  bet ! 
But  "  Portrait-pipes  "  open  a  vista  extensive. 

A  meerschaum  museum  of  family  mugs 
At  eight  hundred  dollars  per  pipe  were  expensive. 

One's  bachelor  freedom,  with  bacca,  one  hugs 
More  complacently  yet.     Sure  a  sixpenny  briar 

Without  a  wife's  phiz,  is  sufficient  for  me ; 
And  wifelessness  means — unless  fame  is  a  liar — 

E'en  in  smoking  a  saving  in  mere  L.  S.  D. 
To  fill  a  wife's  phiz  with  sweet  bird's-eye  and  smoke  it 

Sounds  rather  romantic,  but  dreadfully  dear. 
And  then  just  suppose  that  I  dropped  it  and  broke  it ! 

To  break  your  wife's  head  might  mean  mischief  I  fear. 
My  pipes  and  cigars,  like  my  cuffs  and  my  collars, 

Run  up  to  an  annual  bill  that's  no  joke. 
But  puff  portrait-pipes  which  cost  eight  hundred  dollars  ? 

Such  bliss  matrimonial  would  soon  end — in  smoke  1 


To  ANY  NUMBER  OP  CORRESPONDENTS. — Great  minds  think  alike. 
At  least  three  hundred  letters  have  been  received  at  our  office, 
suggesting  that  the  Government  should  remind  the  Police  of  the 
old  proverb—"  Take  care  of  '  No.  1.' " 


154 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  26,  1896. 


AN    ELOQUENT    FIGURE    OF    SPEECH. 

First  Conductor.  "WELL,  CHAWLY,  'ow  DID  THE  BEANO  GOW  ORF  LARS   NIGHT?' 


Second  Conductor.  "Ow,  THE  GXTV'NOR  DONE  us  A  TREAT,  JIMES." 
First  Conductor.   " LOTS  o'  BEER,  EH?" 
Second  Conductor.  "HxsRt    Now  FEAR  ! 
SHEMPYNE  TBR  WASH  A  'Bus  IK  ! " 


SaSMPYNS,    COCKY  !      W'Y,  THERE  WAS  ENOUGH 


"  The  Inhumanity  of  Man  to  Mann." 

Foreign  Anti-Socialist  sings: — 
WHBN  blown  by  Autumn  breezes 

Tourists  leave  Britain's  isle, 
The  prospect  greatly  pleases, 

And  only  MANN  is  vile. 
Tour  on,  but  no  oration 

In  Socialism's  name  I 
Only  in  your  queer  nation 

Spouters  can  play  that  game  1 


THE  SPOT  FOR  ALL-PINE  SCENERY.  — 
Bournemouth,  where  firs  are  in  evidence 
all  through  the  winter. 


The  New  Stagecraft. 

(By  an  Old  Stager. ) 

IF  you  would  win  on  critical  belief. 
You  must  combine  old  trash  on  the  New 

Woman, 
With     "comic     business"    which    is    no 

"relief," 
And  "  human  interest "  that  is  inhuman ! 


AN  IDEAL  RESTING-PLACE  FOB  A  RETIRED 
BUTLER  . — Binfield. 


STUMP  ORATIONS. — Speeches  at  cricket- 
club  dinners. 


PROVINCIAL  SKETCHES. 

No.  II.— MISS  JOANNA. 

SOME  blossoms  ope  to  fade  away 

At  the  first  touch  of  winter's  blasting, 
But  while  her  fellow-flowers  decay 

Our  Miss  JOANNA  's  everlasting : 
For  though  a  score  of  years  and  more 

Have  glided  since  she  first  came  out,  Sir, 
She  blooms  to-day  as  young  and  gay 

As  when  she  saw  her  maiden  rout,  Sir. 

She  is  our  star.     A  tone,  an  air 

Of  breeding  o'er  the  town  she  scatter*, 
Nor  is  there  one  so  bold  that  dare 

Dispute  her  sway  in  social  matters. 
Happy  whom  she  with  favour  names  1 

Happy  the  house  where  she  is  seen,  Sir  1 
Has  she  not  curtseyed  at  St.  James, 

And  been  presented  to  the  QUEEN,  Sir  ? 

Though  here  we  seldom  get  the  chance, 

We  love  a  little  dissipation, 
And  if  we  haply  have  a  dance 

Or  soire'e,  great  our  jubilation. 
Then  songs  are  sung,  and  flings  are  flung, 

And  reels  are  reeled  with  merry  pranc- 
ing? 
And  no  one  but  the  very  young 

Believes  nimself  too  old  for  dancing. 


all, 


There  Miss  JOANNA  will  be  seen — 

Without   her   'twere  no    dance   at 

S'r— 
With  stately  step  and  gracious  mien. 

And  all  prepared  to  lead  the  ball,  Sir : 
A  coy  wee  rosebud  in  her  hair, 

A  simple  fleck  of  modest  yellow, 
And  resting  on  her  bosom  fair, 

In  innocent  repose,  its  fellow. 

Ah !     Happy  he  to  whom  the  Fates 

Entrust  so  rare,  so  chaste  a  burden  I 
Aye,  blessed  beyond  all  potentates 

To  whom  they  grant  so  rich  a  guerdon ! 
What  though  she  wear  another's  hair? 

What  though  her  blushes  will  not  go, 

Sir? 
Who  once  has  clasped  that  form  so  fair, 

Is  stamped  forever  comme  il  faut,  Sir. 

Or  if  sweet  music  while  the  night, 

Then  Miss  JOANNA  kindly  favours : 
With  carefully  subdued  delight 

We  listen  while  she  gently  quavers. 
She  warbles  "  Orpheus  with  his  Ly-oot," 

With    wondrous    twist    and    turn    and 

twiddle, 
Now  fainter  than  the  softest  flute, 

Now  pyrotechnic  as  a  fiddle. 

And  when  her  classic  song  is  done, 

At  our  request,  she,  with  a  smile,  Sir, 
Agrees  to  give  her  other  one, 

That  sweet  old  air,  "  Within  a  mile," 

Sir, 
And  when  in  gay  and  girlish  way 

She  coyly  trills,  "  I  canna,  canna," 
Why  then  we  know,  where'er  we  go, 

There 's  none  can  sing  like  Miss  JOANNA. 

Our  neighbours,  fired  by  jealous  spite, 

May  scoff  and  scorn  in  bitter  malice, 
And  even,  in  their  envy,  slight 

The  glories  of  St.  James's  Palace, 
But  what  of  that  ? — They  play  their  parts, 

And  still,  despite  their  worst  endeavour, 
Enshrined  in  our  loyal  hearts 

Our  Miss  JOANNA  lives  forever. 


NANSEN'S     LATEST    DISCOVERY.  —  The 
tracks  of  the  King  of  Sweden. 


FATE  AND  THE  SULTAN. — A  question  of 
Dis-Crete. 


SEPTEMBER  26,  1896.]  PUNCH,     OR     THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI. 


155 


THE  PENNY-A-LINER  TO  THE  LATEST  SEA-SERPENT. 

(An  Expostulation  in  the  Silly  Season,) 

WELL,  you  are  not  a  clump  of  sea-weed  tangled, 

Nor  yet  a  lengthened  shoal  of  lumbering  porpoises ! 
But  the  sea-serpent  o'er  which  long  we  've  wrangled, 

You  skinniest,  most  contemptible  of  cold  corpuses? 
No,  no  1     You  would  not  make  men  squeal  and  squirm 

By  lollopping  leagues  along  the  far  horizon. 
You  're  more  like  a  big  eel  or  monster  worm, 

With  neither  power  to  swallow,  swamp,  nor  pizon  1 
You  're  not  a  cuttle-fish,  nor  yet  a  seal, 

A  ledge  of  rocks,  or  a  long  ridge  of  coral ! 
Why  your  preposterous  self  should  you  reveal, 

And  spoil  the  penny-a-liner's  yarn — and  moral — 
By  getting  stranded  on  the  Australian  coast, 

Giving  yourself — and  us — away  completely  ? 
How  much  you  discount  the  sea-captain's  boast, 

And  discumbobulate  the  old  sailor  sweetly  1 
But  really  you  should  have  shown  more  respect 

For  us  poor  scribblers  in  the  Silly  Season. 
Our  loveliest  tale  the  public  will  regret, 

And  spoil  Romance  by  listening  to  Reason 
A  few  yards  long,  and  with  no  goggle-eyes, 

No  gaping  jaws,  no  sinuous  sliding  motion ! 
Why,  you  would  scarce  a  long-shore  swab  surprise, 

If  he  should  meet  you  in  the  mighty  ocean ! 
You  must  be  monster-headed,  seven  miles 

In  serpentining  length,  not  a  foot  shorter, 
Or  else  at  such  a  sham  the  public  smiles, 

And  you  're  not  worth  a  rap  to  the  reporter  1 


THE  MANNERS  OP  OLDER  PEOPLE. 

(Communications  from  some  of  the  Children.) 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH, — I  am  a  little  girl,  aged  ten,  and  live  with 
my  uncle  and  aunt,  because  my  papa  and  mamma  are  on  duty 
in  India.  My  aunt,  who  isn't  my  real  aunt,  goes  to  church  three 
times  every  Sunday,  but  you  should  just  see  her  on  week  days 
If  I  try  to  sing  when  the  dear  old  barrel-organ  comes  into  the 
street,  she  boxes  my  ears,  and  says,  "That  will  teach  you  to 
remember  the  time  of  day,"  She  always  sends  me  to  bed  early, 
and  then  she  has  the  "gurgles" — so  I  heard  her  describe  her 
complaint  to  MARTHA,  the  parlour-maid.  I  don't  quite  know 
what  this  disease  is,  but  it  is  awfully  loud.  Uncle,  who  comes 
home  very  early  in  the  morning,  is  generally  afflicted  with  the 
"stumbles,"  and  has  played  sad  havoc  with  our  stair-carpets. 
He  says  his  physician  states  that  the  only  cure  for  his  com- 
plaint is  whiskey,  and  he  strictly  follows  the  doctor's  advice.  I 
am  not  happy  because  Aunt  and  Uncle  are  always  "  storming  " 
at  one  another.  Then  I  am  frightened,  and  MARTHA  gets  Bunder 
the  kitchen  table,  and  JANE,  the  cook,  locks  herself  up  in  the 
larder.  I  wish  you  could  make  my  elders  behave  better.  My 
governess  says  that  Time  will  set  all  things  right.  I  don't  quite 
know  what  she  means.  Perhaps  you  will  send  Time  to  your 
little  friend,  ERMYNTRUDE  EARWAKER. 

Raspberry  Mount,  Lincolnshire,  September  12,  1896. 

DEAR  SIR, — What  is  the  matter  with  the  old  folks  ?  They  are 
never  at  home.  I  remember  when  I  was  about  five  that  I  used 
to  come  down  to  dessert  every  night.  Now  they  have  no  dinners 
at  home.  Pa  and  Ma  are  always  feeding  at  the  best  West  End 
restaurants,  and  all  I  have  to  keep  me  company  is  "  Shah,"  the 
Persian  pussy.  I  am  an  up-to-date  girl,  and  cannot  stand  this 
state  of  affairs  much  longer.  Even  the  cat  won't  go  away,  or 
else  this  mouse  would  play.  Yours  truly, 

Isle  of  Man  Chambers,  W.  GRISELDA  THOROUGHPIN. 

SIR,— -I  am  at  Rodwell  School  during  the  best  part  of  the  year, 
and  I  wish  I  were  there  now.  My  people  have  lugged  me  on  to 
the  continent  to  satisfy  their  own  selfishness.  I  like  cricket  and 
lawn  tennis,  but  at  this  beastly  hole  there  is  neither  one  nor  the 
other.  I  can't  get  a  decent  glass  of  beer,  and  the  noise  of  the 
bands  is  enough  to  send  a  fellow  crazy.  But  Father  and  Mother 
seem  to  enjoy  themselves.  They  are  always  going  to  the  Kursaal 
and  "planking  their  ready"  (you  see  I  know  a  thing  or  two) 
3n  this  or  that  colour,  or  some  particular  number  of  which 
Mother  has  dreamt.  I  don't  call  it  fair  to  me,  for  they  never 
nye  me  a  chance.  I'd  rather  be  playing  "shove-halfpenny" 
with  JAMBS,  our  footman,  though  he  has  always  cleaned  me  out 
together  with  TURF,  the  sexton,  and  old  JUMBLES,  who  keeps  the 
Spotted  Dragon.  I  say  "  Blow  Belgium  and  the  battle  of  Water- 


SOCIAL    EVOLUTION. 

Tramp  (to  benevolent  but  inquisitive  Lady).   "WELL,  YOU  SEE,  MUM, 

T  WERE    LIKE    THIS.        I   WERE  A  'ADDICK    SMOKER    BY  PROFESSION  ; 
HEN   I   GOT    ILL,    AND   *AD  TO    GO    TO    THE    'ORSPITAL  ;    THEN   I   SOLD 

CATS   MEAT  ;  BUT  SOME'OW  OR  OTHER  I  GOT  INTO  LOW  WATSR  ! " 


oo I"  which  gave  this  wretched  people  an  existence.  Yours 
bediently,  HARRY  HAULFAST. 

Ostend,  September  14,  1896. 

P.S. — I  don't  give  the  name  of  our  hotel  for  fear  of  conse- 
quences.— Verb.  sap. 

DEAR  PUNCH, — I  address  you  familiarly,  because,  like  yourself, 

am  a  being  of  letters.     At  the  last  School  Board  exam  I  was 

irst  in  the  Plesiophormous  Class,  and  received  a  cordial  shake 

)f  the  right  hand  from  Mr.  DIGGLB.     I  can  write  shorthand, 

lay  the  piano,  and  can  diagnose  the  inscriptions  on  the  (so- 
jalled)  Cleopatra's  Needle.  At  the  present  moment  I  am  uncer- 
/ain  whether  I  shall  educate  myself  to  take  up  the  position  of  a 
>rime  Minister  or  an  engine  driver.  But  in  any  case,  my  future 
>rospects  will  be  hopelessly  blighted  unless  I  can  do  away  with 
ny  social  surroundings.  There  is  a  cobbler  up  our  court,  who 

ot  only  greets  me  with  impertinent  familiarity,  but  also  dis- 
urbs  my  studies  in  the  Great,  True,  and  Beatific  by  his  incessant 
ammering  on  leather.  There  is  a  milkman,  who  thrice  a  day 

isturbs  my  meditations,  and  there  is  a  vulgarian  selling  onions 
nd  the  like  garbage,  who  confuses  me  with  his  asinine  holloas, 
ogether  with  minor  offenders.  Ought  such  things  to  be  allowed  r 

am  young  (fifteen  last  birthday) ;  I  am  ambitious,  but,  alas  I 

have  a  cultured  ear,  and  I  protest  against  this  tyranny  of  the 

Id  birds  over  the  chicks.     Yours  scientifically, 

Edison  Court,  W.C.  THEOPHASTUS  CHUMP. 


156 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  26,  1896. 


The  Dull  Weather  Gentleman.   "  NICE  GIRL  THAT  NEXT  DOOR — BUT 

DREADFULLY   SHY  !      ALWAYS   POPS   IN   WHEN    I    COME   OUT." 


"THE  SAILORMAN'S  MENOO." 

(To  a  Shipowner.     By  a  Shell-back.) 

IT  's  mighty  fine,  yer  talkin',  but  you  never  done  no  trips 
In  the  bloomin'  leaky  foc'sle  of  yer  leaky,  rotten  ships  ; 
And  though  you  gulls  the  public  with  a  sham  Menoo  for  us, 
It  isn't  printed  lies  as  makes  provisions  worth  a  cuss  ; 
And  even  silly  emigrants  will  tell  you  straight  and  true 
That  the  test  of  grub  is  grubbin',  not  the  advertised  Menoo. 

I  'm  talkin'  now,  not  beggin'  for  a  chance  to  starve  and  work, 
In  an  undermanned  old  tanker  with  a  skipper  like  a  Turk ; 
With  a  cook  as  larnt  'is  cookin'  when  'e  'ad  to  cook  or  beg, 
Or  go  into  an  'orspital  to  nurse  a  cranky  leg  ; 
And  what  I  says  I  means  it,  and  my  words  is  plain  and  true, 
Which  is  more  than  any  sailorman  will  say  for  yer  Menoo. 

I  '11  allow  that  in  the  look  of  it,  the  print  of  it  I  mean, 
That  all  you  say  is  sarved  to  us ;  but  is  it  good  or  clean  ? 
And  wot's  wet  'ash,  or  porridge,  or  any  other  stuff, 
When  at  the  very  best  of  it  there  's  'ardly  'arf  enough  ? 
Not  even  with  the  cockroaches  that 's  given  with  the  stew, 
Though  'I  notice  they  nor  maggots  wasn't  down  in  yer  Menoo. 

There  's  the  tea  and  corfee  talked  of,  but  folks  ashore  ain't  told 
That  the  swine  as  bought  it  for  you  winked  'is  eye  at  tnem  as  sold. 
For  sailormen's  best  Mocha  was  never  further  East 
Than  a  bloomin'  Essex  bean-field  ;  and  the  tea  ain't  tea — at  least 
It 's  on'y  "  finest  sweepin's  "  from  the  docks,  and  wot  a  brew 
It  makes  when  sarved  in  buckets  to  drink  to  yer  Menoo ! 

The  pork  and  beef  on  paper,  or  a  tin  dish,  makes  a  show, 

But  you'd  want  yer  front  teeth  sharpened  if  you  tackled  it, 

my  bo'! 
For  the  beef  is  still  the  ancient  'orse  wot  worked  on  Portland 

Pier, 

And  the  pork  is  rotten  reasty,  that  was  inwoiced  twice  too  dear 
If  they  charged  you  'arf  a  thick  'un  for  the  whack  you  gives  the 

crew, 
With  the  pickles  and  the  butter  set  out  fine  in  yer  Menoo. 

I  'd  like  to  take  you  jossers,  as  thinks  as  sailormen 

Is  a  grumblin'  lot  of  skulkers,  just  one  trip  and  'ome  agen ; 


For  when  yer  'ands  was  achin'  with  sea  cuts  to  the  bone, 
And  the  Baltic  talked  north-easters,  you'd  be  alterin'  of  yer  tone, 
And  mightn't  think  wot's  wrote  in  print  is  necessary  true, 
And  per'aps  when  you  was  safe  agen  you  'd  alter  our  Menoo. 

I/ILE  DE  WIGHT. 

DEAR  MISTER, — The  other  day  I  go  with  my  friend  to  a 
"  croquetparty."  I  love  much  the  sport,  the  tennis,  the  bicy- 
clette,  but  I  know  not  to  play  the  croquet.  All  of  same,  I  go 
there.  There  is  the  hostess,  a  lady  very  gracious,  but 
very  solemn,  of  a  in  good  point — embonpoint,  how  say  you  ? — 
very  remarkable.  I  shall  name  her  Missis  "  JONES."  There  is  a 
clergyman.  Ah,  the  brave  little  clergyman  1  Of  a  vivacity,  of 
of  a  verve  so  charming,  almost  young.  He  is  not  young ;  he 
has,  perhaps,  sixty  years,  but  he  runs,  he  skips,  he  is  the  sole— 
le  seul — who  has  the  air  of  to  amuse  himself.  There  is  a  mili- 
taire — a  military — very  ferocious,  the  visage  red,  the  moustache 
grey,  the  eyebrows  very  thick.  There  is  a  doctor  of  the  army  in 
retreat.  And  there  is  some  ladies. 

Eh  well,  my  friend  presents  me  to  Missis  JONES.  I  say  to  her, 
"  He  makes  very  fine  to-day."  You  see,  Mister  Punch,  I  know 
the  mode  of  your  country,  I  commence  in  speaking  of  the  fine 
time.  But  she  is  distraite — distracted — and  she  responds  not, 
but  she  presents  me  to  the  clergyman,  to  the  military  and  to  the 
doctor  in  retreat.  Then  we  dnnk  the  tea,  the  "fiveoclok"  in 
the  salon.  Ah,  how  it  is  gay  I  By  hazard  I  seat  myself  between 
the  military  and  the  doctor.  All  ,the  two  have  been  at  the 
Indias.  You  know  that  in  your  Island  of  Wight  all  the  world  is 
military.  Partout — by  all — there  is  some  generals,  some 
colonels,  some  majors,  some  captains,  and  they  are  all  in  retreat, 
and  they  speak  alldays — ton  jours — of  the  India,  and  of  the  sport. 
Me  I  know  not  the  India.  Naturally  my  two  neighbours 
talk  of  the  India,  of  the  serpents,  of  the  sport,  of  the  tigers. 
The  military  has  much  studied  the  serpents,  and  he  speaks  of 
them,  and  of  the  savage  beasts,  with  a  frown  of  the  eyebrows 
worthy  of  Tartarin.  C'est  eionnamment  gai —  astonishly  gay. 
And  all  the  time  I  regard  at  the  other  side  of  the  salon  t'ne 
respectable  curate — le  respectable  cure.  His  friends  call  him 
vicairc,  but  he  has  not  of  all  the  air  of  a  vicaire.  He  is  not 
enough  young,  he  is  not  enough  thin  ;  he  is  all  to  fact  old  good 
man — tout-a-fait  vieux  bonhomme,  how  say  you  ?  Le  voila. — see 
there  him — speaking  to  the  ladies,  so  gay,  so  amiable,  so  ani- 
mated. I  love  to  see  him.  The  croquetparty  suits  well  to  the 
clergy,  above  all  to  those  who  are  a  little  aged.  Me  who  am 
lay  and  young  I  love  it  not. 

In  fine  we  go  to  the  garden.  Then  I  play  the  croquet.  Me, 
ATJGTJSTE,  I  play!  Missis  JONES  invites  me.  I  say  that  I  regret 
infinitely  that  I  know  not  to  play.  She  says  me  that  it  is  easy. 
I  finish  by  to  yield.  I  play  with  her.  The  military,  who  is 
major,  and  one  of  the  ladies  are  our  adversaries. 

In  effect,  Missis  JONES  plays  very  well,  and  the  other  lady 
also.  The  major  plays  not  well,  but  he  plays  very  severely,  and 
he  has  the  air  of  the  president  of  a  conseil  de  guerre — that  which 
you  call  a  "  court-martial " — speaking  to  the  accused.  It  seems 
to  me  as  if  I  were  the  accused,  and  I  am  all  timid  when  he  frowns 
the  eyebrows  so  terribly.  For  me  I  play  not  of  all  of  all — du 
tout  du  tout.  Missis  JONES  aids  me  with  good  counsels,  but 
she  has  the  air  of  a  schoolmistress  scolding  a  little  boy,  and 
she  says  me,  "  Now  hit  my  ball,  if  you  can ;  "  and  she  regards  me 
severely,  and  the  major  regards  me  severely,  so  that  when  I 
essay  to  hit  my  ball  to, me,  I  hit  the  turf,  and  then  I  hit  the  top 
of  my  ball,  and  she  goes  I  know  not  where,  all  far  from  the  ball 
of  Missis  JONES.  Then  this  lady  says,  "  That  is  not  so  bad." 
And  one  other  time  when  I  play  to  wrong  and  to  traverse — 
a  tort  et  a  travers,  how  say  you  ? — she  says  me,  "  That  will  do 
pretty  well."  This  irony  renders  me  more  unskilful.  How- 
ever, Misses  JONES  "croquets"  my  ball,  she  goes  through  the 
hoops,  she  hits  the  stick,  and,  my  faith,  she  arrives  the  first ! 

The  major  essays  long  time  to  hit  one  of  the  sticks,  but  he 
can  not.  Each  time  that  he  misses,  his  figure- — sa  figure — be- 
comes more  red,  and  the  eyes  gleam,  and  he  has  the  air  of  to 
condemn  the  accused  to  be  shot,  and  I  think  to  all  the  words 
he  would  say  if  these  ladies  were  not  there.  In  fine  I  pity  him, 
for  to  what  good  would  a  military  say  "  Bother  "  ?  That  is  not 
enough,  that  is  not  nothing,  that  exclamation  there,  which  is 
permitted  in  your  country. 

In  fine  we  finish,  and  the  major  parts  as  soon  as  possible,  with- 
out any  doubt  for  to  say  at  him — chez  lui — all^  that  which  he  has 
not  said.  Me  also  I  part,  but  before  to  go  I  give  a  shakehands  to 
Missis  JONES,  and  I  say  to  her,  "  Enchanted,"  and  "  A  game  of 
the  most  agreeables,"  and  "  Thousand  thanks,  dear  Missis,"  and 
all  the  other  phrases  of  the  politeness.  Agree,  &c.,  AXJGUSTE. 


OCTOBER  3,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


157 


MANNEES  AND  CUSTOMS  FOR  THE  YOUNG. 

(By  a  Past  Master  of  the  Ceremonies. ) 

So  much  has  been  written  recently  of  the  faulty  deportment  of 
our  children  that  it  may  be  well  to  formulate  a  few  simple 
rules  for  the  guidance  of  those  of  them  who  would  wish  to  pass 
for  boys  and  girls  of  elegance  and  bon  ton.  Accordingly,  I  jot 
down  a  suggestion  or  two  for  their  consideration  in  this  con- 
nection. 

Invariably  be  courteous  to  visitors  to  your  parents'  house.  If 
they  bring  hats  and  umbrellas,  or  parasols,  immediately  carry 
them  away.  That  the  articles  may  be  in  safe  keeping  entrust 
them  to  the  care  of  the  nearest  pledge-taker,  who  will  give  you  a 
card  and  some  money  as  a  guarantee  of  good  faith,  but,  as  they 
say  in  the  newspapers,  not  necessarily  for  publication. 

Booby  traps  are   entirely   out  of  fashion,   so  if  you  wish  to 


amuse  your  friends  within  your  father's  mansion,  spread  pebbles 
between  their  sheets  and  blankets,  and  cover  their  pillows 
with  pepper. 

Nothing  is  pleasanter  to  a  humorist  than  a  tribute  of  laughter. 
Remembering  this  when  a  young  lady  or  gentleman,  rather  proud 
of  her  or  his  voice,  attempts  to  sing  a  sentimental  song,  indulge 
in  fits  of  uproarious  merriment. 

The  old  always  value  the  attentions  of  the  young.  So  when 
you  see  an  octogenarian  on  the  point  of  seating  himself  comfort- 
ably in  an  arm-chair,  be  careful  to  retreat  the  article  of  furni- 
ture in  question  a  few  inches,  that  the  veteran  may  come  unex- 
pected to  the  ground.  This  will  arouse  the  elderly  gentleman, 
and  induce  him  to  address  you  with  an  earnestness  entirely 
beyond  his  years. 

As  it  is  not  now  considered  good  form  to  ask  for  a  tip,  you  had 
better  take  what  you  want  from  the  rich  when  their  attention  is 
fixed  on  some  object  other  than  their  purses. 

Although  it  is  distinctly  rude  to  smash  the  hats  left  by  visitors 
in  the  hall,  there  is  no  particular  harm  in  filling  the  pockets  of 
the  overcoats  of  the  same  owners  with  candle  ends,  marmalade, 
and  (when  procurable)  cold  pea-soup. 

Personal  cleanliness  is  of  the  utmost  importance  in  elegant 
society,  so  never  neglect  to  wash  your  hands  at  least  once  a  week, 
and  brush  your  hair  even  more  frequently. 

It  is  extremely  rude  to  interrupt  a  senior  when  he  is  telling  an 
anecdote  to  an  interested  audience  of  his  equals.  So  should  you 
particularly  wish  to  communicate  with  him  without  stopping  the 
flow  of  his  ,  conversation,  you  should  tap  him  smartly  on  the 
head  with  a  soup  ladle. 

Finally,  your  first  duty  is  to  your  father  and  mother.  Bearing 
this  in  mind,  should  you  obtain,  through  intimidation  or  some 
other  equally  effectual  means,  a  sum  of  money  from  your  friends, 
relatives  and  acquaintances,  you  should  be  sure  to  hand  over  an 
appropriate  percentage  of  your  earnings  to  your  parents. 


"  The  Sayings  of  Children." 

Mamma.  To-morrow  will  be  daddy's  birthday. 

Chrissie  (aged  five,  with  a  vague  notion  of  Christmas  Day). 
Then,  I  s'pose,  all  the  shops  will  be  closed,  mummy,  and  we 
shall  have  to  go  to  church,  and  make  a  collection  for  dad ! 


THE  .TERRORISM    OF    TOUTS. 

DEAR  MB.  PXTNCH, — I  quite  agree  with  the  great  NAPOLEON 
in  his  statement  that  we  are  a  nation  of  shop-keepers,  but  I  do 
wish  that  we  could  sometimes  repress  our  commercial  instincts. 
I  am  in  business  myself,  and  know  what  competition  means,  but 
I  confess  that  when  I  take  my  holiday  at  the  seaside  I  do  not 
like  to  be  made  a  sort  of  prize  in  a  handicap  of  tradesmen.  This 
year  I  have  hired  a  villa  at  that  delightful  watering-place.  Silver- 
sands,  but  I  almost  wish  that  I  had  never  done  so.  Why  P  you 
will  naturally  inquire.  Well,  Sir,  long  before  I  left  London 
with  my  family — I  suppose  I  have  to  thank  the  local  house- 
agent  for  this — I  was  bombarded  with  letters  from  the  grocers, 
butchers,  bakers,  milkmen,  wine  merchants,  and  oilshop  keepers 
of  Silversands,  imploring  my  esteemed  custom.  Some  of  them 
even  sent  samples  of  their  wares  with  delicately-worded  missives, 
begging  me  to  accept  these  tokens  of  gratitude  for  favours  to 
come.  Two  or  three  took  the  trouble  and  expense  of  travelling 
to  London  to  interview  me  personally,  and  one  of  them  being 
mistaken  by  my  wife,  while  I  was  out,  for  a  distant  cousin  of 
the  same  name,  was  actually  bidden  to  dinner.  Another  was 
seen  by  my  eldest  girl  making  love  to  our  cook  in  the  area,  and 
a  third,  I  have  since  discovered,  captured  GRKE.VSEAL,  the  butler, 
and  treated  him  to  a  'dinner  at  the  Criterion,  and  a  stall  at  the 
play  afterwards.  But  all  this  skirmishing  was  nothing  to  the 
pitched  battle  which  ensued  on  our  leaving  town  to  take  up  our 
new  quarters.  I  dare  say,  Sir,  you  are  aware  that  the  through 
carriages  from  London  to  Silversands  are  shunted  at  Picklock 
Junction,  some  twenty  miles  distant  from  the  coast.  I  had  en- 
gaged a  saloon  carriage  for  ourselves,  and  of  course  our  privacy 
was  respected  on  the  way  down,  but  at  Picklock  two  gentleman- 
like young  fellows  came  to  the  door  and  politely  asked,  as  the 
train  was  very  full,  if  I  would  allow  them  to  come  in.  Being  no 
churl  I  at  once  said  "Yes,  by  all  means."  They  were  ready 
conversationalists,  and  begun  upon  such  topics  as  the  South 
African  War  and  the  length  of  the  Queen's  reign. 

Presently,  however,  they  turned  the  current  of  talk  on  to 
the  state  of  trade,  a  matter  which  of  course  interested  me 
greatly.  They  warmed  to  the  subject,  and  observed  that  even 
at  Silversands  the  visitor  had  to  beware  of  unscrupulous  and 
designing  persons,  who  would  foist  the  most  inferior  goods  on 
him  at  most  exorbitant  prices.  "Knowing,  therefore,"  said 
the  elder  of  the  two,  "  that  you  have  taken  Cockleshell  Cottage 
for  the  season,  we  have  ventured  to  bring  you  a  list  of  tradesmen 
on  whom  you  may  implicitly  rely."  With  that  he  handed  me  a 
paper  as  long  as  a  lawyer's  bill.  "  And  who  are  you,  gentle- 
men ? "  I  inquired.  "  We  are,"  replied  the  spokesman,  "  the 
president  and  secretary  of  the  Silversands  Protection  Society, 
and  we  ask  you  not  to  forget  to  place  yourself  in  our  hands." 
The  train  was  just  stopping  for  tickets  at  Mudlook,  so  with  the 
most  courteous  bows  they  disappeared,  leaving  us  in  a  state  of 
extreme  surprise.  But  on  arrival  at  Silversands  Station  we 
were  still  more  astonished,  being  literally  taken  prisoners.  Half 
a  dozen  stalwarts  formed  a  ring  round  me,  and,  with  stage  chorus 
effect,  forced  price  lists  into  my  pockets ;  as  many  more  got 
hold  of  my  wife,  and  implored  her  patronage,  my  children  were 
held  at  ransom,  while  my  servants  were  beleaguered  by  a  score  or 
more  of  suppliants.  The  railway  porters  looked  on  and  grinned. 
No  doubt  they  were  accustomed  to  similar  scenes. 

It  was  quite  half  an  hour  before  we  could  tear  ourselves 
from  their  clutches,  and  even  then  some  of  the  nimble- 
footed  knaves  pursued  our  flys,  keeping  up  a  fire  of  circular 
ammunition.  "  Thank  goodness  1 "  I  cried,  fervently,  as  the 
vehicles  stopped  at  the  gate  of  Cockleshell  Cottage.  "  We  have 
escaped !  "  Scarcely  were  the  words  out  of  my  mouth,  when  two 
determined  individuals  jumped  out  from  behind  a  laurestinus 
hedge,  nearly  frightening  my  wife  into  a  fit,  a  third  broke 
ambush  from  a  rose  clump,  another  was  lurking  behind  the 
honey-suckle  of  the  verandah,  four  blocked  the  front  door,  and 
six  the  back  entrance,  while  two  had  managed,  somehow  or 
another,  to  get  into  the  kitchen.  All  of  them,  like  playgoing 
deadheads,  clamoured  for  "orders."  The  confusion  was  dread- 
ful, the  din  appalling,  and  the  luggage  could  scarcely  be  brought 
into  the  house.  I  laagered  my  family  in  the  dining-room,  and, 
with  the  aid  of  GREENSEAL,  the  footman  and  the  groom  managed, 
after  severe  fighting,  to  clear  the  premises,  but  not  before  the 
hall  and  kitchen  floors  were  littered  "with  paper  enough,"  as 
the  cook  remarked,  "  to  light  the  fires  for  weeks  to  come."  For 
ten  days  the  attacks  were  renewed,  to  no  purpose.  I  get  all 
my  stores  and  provisions  from  London,  and  have  even  bought  a 
cow.  I  am  not  a  mean  fellow,  only  a  resentful  citizen  not  popu- 
lar in  Silversands,  but  your  obedient  servant, 

THOMAS  THREADNEEDLE. 


vm,_    mrr 


158 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  3,  1896. 


MOST    EXASPERATING. 

(After  numerous  misses,  Mr.  Buggies  manages  to  knock  a  Bird  over  at  VERY  close  quarters,  which  the  Retriever  finds  and  promptly  eats.) 

Buggies  (furious).  "WHAT  is  THE  USE  OF  MY  SHOOTING  GAME  IF  YOUR  BEASTLY  DOG  EATS  IT?" 

Macdonald.  "  IT 's  NAE  THE  DOGGIE'S  FAUT,  SIR.    HE  WAS  JUST  ASHAMED  TO  BRING  THE  PUIR  MUTILATED  BIRDIE.      So  HE  HAS 

MADE  AWA1  Wl'   IT  !  " 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

A  Baehelor  to  his  Fire. 

MY  study  fire  is  now  alight — 
The  first  time  since  the  Spring — 

It  seems  to  make  the  scene  more  bright, 
The  kettle  e'en  must  sing ; 

And  gazing  on  this  mass  of  coal 

I  feel  old  merriment  of  soul. 

There  in  that  cinder  I  can  trace 

The  lines  of  him  who  drest 
So  scrupulously  up  to  grace 

That  he  forgot  his  vest, 
And  perished  with  a  figure  trim, 
Mid  winter  frosts,  that  finished  him. 

And  there  again  that  ardent  flame 

Reminds  me  of  the  heart 
That  you  declared  was  still  the  same 

Until  we  had  to  part. 
You    wrote    that    you    would    "  soon    be 

dead"— 
But  wedded  someone  else  instead. 

A  lazy  lump  that  will  not  burn 

Is  meant  perchance  for  me, 
A  rolling  stone,  too  prone  to  turn, 

Neglecting  £  s.  d. 
In  vain  I  hammer  it,  irate, 
It  is  not  coal,  but  only  slate. 

Yet  still  I  'm  glad,  e'en  when  I  note 

That  coffin  in  the  fire, 
For  Fate  hath  surely  someone  smote 

Who  dared  to  rouse  my  ire. 
A  wicked  thought !     Well,  let  him  die ! 
The  world  is  wicked,  so  am  I. 

I  cannot  understand  the  craze 

Of  those  who  Southward  fly 
Where    pigmy    palms    their    span-leaves 
raise 

Reproachful  to  the  sky, 
Forgetful  that  they're  grown  to  show 
That  icy  wind  condones  the  snow. 


Blaze  on,  good  coals,  within  the  grate, 

Let  harmony  be  seen  1 
You  only  can  regenerate 

The  thoughts  of  what  have  been. 


A  knock  1     A  bill  for  fuel!     Jane, 
Tell  that  good  man  to  call  again ! 


WHAT  IS  A  (NEW)  WOMAN  LIKE  ? 

(To  the  Old— but  Anonymous — Air,  "  What 
is  a  Woman  Like  /  ") 

A  NEW  WOMAN  is  like  to — but  stay ! 
What  New  Woman  is  like,  who  can  say  ? 
There  is  no  living  with  or  without  one  1 

She  's  just  like  a  fly 

To  the  ear,  to  the  eye, 
Buzz,  buzz,  always  buzzing  about  one  1 

Untender,  unkind, 

She  is  like,  to  my  mind, 
(Woman  was  not  so  once,  I  remember,) 

She 's  like  to — O  dear ! 

She 's  as  bad,  far  or  near, 
As  a  pea-soupy  fog  in  November ! 

If  she  chaff,  and  she  chat, 

Write,  bike,  and  all  that, 
And  with  "  bags "  and  male  manners  she 
meet  me, 

She  's  like  a  queer  dish, 

Neither  flesh,  fowl,  nor  fish, 


That  cries — like  Cockaigne  pigs — come  eat 
me  1 

But  she  '11  shock  you,  and  vex  you, 

Disgust  and  perplex  you. 

Immodestly  ranging, 

Continually  changing, 
What  then  do  you  think  she  is  like  ? 

Like  a  man  P     Like  a  shock  P 

On  a  wheel,  with  a  frock 
Only  fit  for  a  shrew  on  a  "  bike." 
Her  head 's  like  the  islands  bards  tell  on, 
Which  flowers,    fruits,   and    feathers    all 

dwell  on 

Her  heart 's  like  a  hard  lemon-ice, 
As  cold  and  as  acid — so  nice  1 

In  truth  she' s  to  me 

Like  an  east  wind  at  sea, 
That 's   good   and   that 's   pleasant   to  no 
man; 

Like  a  chill,  like  a  pill, 

Like  a  flail  for  the  male, 

Missing  link  (in  a  kink) 
Betwixt  a  fast  girl  and  a  slow  man ! 

Like  a  bower  void  of  flower, 

Content  without  scent 

Like  a  shrike  on  a  bike, 

Like  a  fly  in  one's  eye, 

A  boy  without  joy, 

A  girl  out  of  curl, 

A  chap  with  no  sap, 

A  man  out  of  plan, 

A  tree  without  leaf, 

Bud,  or  blossom — in  brief, 
She's   like   most  things  on  earth — but  a 
woman! 


SPORTING  MEM. — Quarrel  is  now  first 
favourite  for  the  Cambridgeshire.  Let 
us  hope,  however,  that  there  will  be  no 
difference  over  the  settlement. 


THE  HEIGHT  OF  POSSIBILITY.  —  Mr. 
GLADSTONE  receiving  the  SULTAN  at  Ha- 
warden. 


OCTOBER  3,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


159 


A    RECOMMENDATION. 


Mrs.  Cogie.  "  AY,  THAT  's  THE  NEW  DOCTOR,  MEM  ;  AN'  I  'M  SURE  IT  WAD  BE  AN  AWFU'  KINDNESS  IF  YE  GIED  HIM  A  BIT  TRIAL. 

HE  HAD  A   HEAP  o'   PATIENTS  WHEN  HE   CAM*   FIRST,    BUT   NOO  THEY  'BE  A'   DEID." 


A  POETIC  SOLILOQUY. 

On  reading  the  morning  paper,  September  23. 

I. 

YES,  on  this  Day  of  Days 
My  wayward  vision  strays, 
As  usual,  down  the  columns  of  the  T-m-s, 
And  with  the  other  eye 
The  D-ly  N-ws  I  spy- 
Its  leader  page,  I  see,  is  bare  of  rhymes. 
All 's  right — I  needn't  chafe, 
My  reputation 's  safe, 
No   other   bard   has   weighed  in  with   a 

verse; 

The  Laureate  is  mum, 
And  even  K-PL-NG  's  dumb, 
And    M-RE-S    ditto — well,     it     might  be 
worse  1 

ii. 

I  speedily  peruse 

The  page  of  foreign  news, 
And  skim  the  agony  column  in  a  trice ; 

The  hatches  and  the  matches, 

Likewise  the  day's  despatches 
I  glance  at — all  seems  very  neat  and  nice  ! 

I  read  about  the  CZAR, 

And  think  of  many  a  par 
I    penned    about   his    crowning  -  show    in 
June; 

Then,  coming  nearer  home, 

I  wonder  where  that  pome 
Of  mine  ia.  for  this  dav  sr>  rvnrMYrtiinA. 


people 


Hi. 

Hullo,  what 's  this  I  see  ? 

Great  goodness,  can  it  be  ? 
Here,    what    in   thunder    do    the 
mean? 

Is  this  my  loyal  ode 

Among  the  "  ads  "  bestowed, 
An  insult  both  to  me  and  to  the  QUEEN  ? 

They  've  gone  and  printed  small 

My  purple  patches  all, 
About  Himala,  Kishna,  ghaut  and  shroff  ; 

With  carpets  and  bovril 

They  Ve  ranked  my  Muse's  skill — 
To-day  's  for  me  a  Day  of  D's  enough  1 


THE  BATTLE   OF  THE  BACTEEIA. 

(Subject  for  a  Modern  Epic,  suggested  by  Presi- 
dent Sir  Joseph  Lister's  Address  at  the  British 
Association.) 
LIST,  list,   oh,  list! — to  good  Sir  JOSEPH 

LISTER  1 

Science  is  sure  Humanity's  kindest  sister, 
A  sister  like  a  good  nurse,  patient,  placid, 
But  inexhaustible.     Carbolic  acid 
As  subject   for   the  Muse,    seems  scarce 

poetic ; 

But  the  great  surgeon,  sage  and  sympa- 
thetic, 

Makes  antiseptics'  history  most  romantic. 
The  microscopic  microbe's  lethal  antic, 
The  friendly  phagocyte's  protective  fight, 
Tn  our  noor  bodv's  battlefield,  out  of  sierht. 


Save  of  Sir  JOSEPH  and  his  brethren  sage, 
Who  watch  the  mimic  warfare  which  they 

wage. 
Might    give    a    modern    HOMER   a  great 

theme, 
Of    which    the   blind    old  singer    did   not 

dream. 

"  Microbes  and  Man  I  sing ! "  VIRGIL  to- 
day 

Might  warble — save  that  epics  do  not  pay. 
Later  LUCRETIUS,  without  apology, 
Might  find  fit  subject  in  Bacteriology. 
But  heroes  now  do  not  come  off  in  that 

form, 

Their  epics  are  recited  on  the  platform. 
HOMER — some  say — sang  of  the  frogs  and 

mice, 
LISTER  finds  theme  scarce  smaller  or  less 

nice 
In  Microbes   versus   Phagocytes!     Sounds 

skittish  ? 

Well,  the  association  surnamed  British 
Is  not    a    larkish    thing,  but    high    and 

solemn, 
Whose  high  "proceedings"  fill  the  great 

Times  column, 

Where,  if  you  want  an  intellectual  twister, 
Bead    the    Address    of    good   Sir    JOSEPH 

LISTER, 

Whose    "septic"   nous   has   banished   an- 
cient errors, 
And  robbed  the  surgeon's  steel  of  half  its 

terrors. 


160 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  3,  1896. 


POETRY  FOB  POLITICAL  CHILDREN. 

(A  droll  of  bit  Doggerel  brought  up  to  Date. ) 

THERE  was  a  clever  earl,  who  had  a  twirly  curl, 

Which  hung  down  the  middle  of  his  forehead, 
And  some  thought  his  policy  was  very,  very  good, 

And  some  thought  his  policy  was  horrid. 

He  "  stood  on  his  head  "  on  the  hustings,  he  once  said, 

And  nobody  his  high  career  could  hinder ; 
Though  some  squealed  and  some  squalled,  and  some  yelled  and 
some  bawled, 

And  shied  their  little  stones  agin  hia  winder. 

But  alas !  (as  BALFOUR  said,)  that  clever  earl  is  dead, 
And  his  foes  have  been — comparatively — silent. 

But  now  they  're  popping  up,  every  tyke,  and  cur,  and  pup, 
And  a-pitching  into  him  extremely  vilent. 

And  Punch,  who  of  old  made  considerably  bold 

To  criticise  that  earl,  whilst  he  was  living, 
Thinks  it  very  far  from  right  to  keep  up  mere  sputtery  spite, 

When  the  time  has  come  for  praising  and  forgiving. 

He 's  aweary  of  the  noise  of  those  "  little  vulgar  boys," 

Each  brain  like  an  empty  attic, 
Who  against  Earl  BEAKY  blare,  and  he  '11  catch  them  unaware, 

And  spank  them — most  emphatic  1 


RESTORATION    OF    KING    CYMBELINE. 

HEARTILY,  nay  uproariously,  were  welcomed  Miss  ELLEN 
TERRY  and  Sir  HENRY  IRVING  (announced  in  the  bills  as 
"HENRY  IRVING"  tout  simple  without  "Mr."  or  "Sir")  when, 
as  Imogen  and  lachimo  respectively,  they  walked  on  to  the 
Lyceum  stage,  September  22,  memorable  for  the  first  repre- 
sentation at  this  theatre  of  a  certain  Shakspearian  play 
called  Cymbeline.  "  Cymbeline  condensed,"  of  course,  was  the 
mixture  presented  most  suited  to  the  public  taste,  as  "  Cymbeline 
entire"  would  have  been  too  much  for  the  friendliest  audience. 
The  talkative  lords  and  gentlemen  of  the  old  play  were  cut  out 
or  cut  down,  and  for  those  characters  who  survived  the  opera- 
tion, it  sufficed  that  they  "  looked  the  parts  "  to  admiration.  Miss 
ELLEN  TERRY  was  simply  charming  as  Imogen ;  perfectly  natural, 
which  is  the  same  as  saying  "genuinely  artistic."  So 
thoroughly  did  she  identify  herself  with  the  modest,  virtuous, 


lLInterior  of  the  Chest,  as  seen  by  the  aid  of  the  Kontgen  Eays. 

Awkward  position  of  Sir  H-my  Irv-ng  when,  as  lachimo,  the  lid  is  closed 
and  he  is  suffering  from  pains  in  the  chest. 

retiring-to-bed-early  Imogen,  that,  when  roused  from  her  sleep 
by  the  plaudits  of  the  audience,  after  the  Bed-room  Scene, 
when  from  her  arm  wicked  lachimo  has  stolen  her  bracelet, 
Miss  ELLEN  shyly  refused  to  face  the  house,  but  hid  her  face 
with  her  hands  as,  in  her  snow-white  robe  de  nuit,  she  stood 
by  the  friendly  bedpost  as  if  shrinking  from  the  boldly-expressed 
admiration  of  a  thousand  lachimos  in  the  stalls,  boxes,  and 
gallery.  Hejr  every  action  was  in  itself  quite  in  keeping  with 
the  romantic  ideal  of  the  poetic  dramatist.  And  HENRY 
IRVING,  as  lachimo,  or  Jackimo,  the  cool,  wicked,  cynical 


blase  man  of  the  classic  world,  how  excellent!     Not  as  a  mere 
vain  beau  seducteur,  not  as  a  gay  Don  Juan,  but  as  one  who 
"  knows  the  ropes,"  and  who  believes  in  nothing  and  in  nobody 
— except  himself. 
Crowded  was  the  house,  only  one  box  vacant,  and  into  that, 


Jackimo  in  the  Boximo. 
Physical  Exercise.    lachimo  opens  his  chest  and  strikes  an  attitude. 

on  the  stage,  HKNRY  IRVING  went.  It  was  his  own  private 
box,  kept  by  Mr.  LOVBDAY  and  Mr.  BRAM  STOKER  solely  and 
only  for  Sir  HENRY'S  use :  and  made  to  hold  one,  not  more, 
and  that  not  quite  comfortably. 

What  did  Jacki  do  with  his  legs  ?  If  he  doubled  himself  up, 
then  out  of  that  box  should  have  come  two  lachimos,  or 
lachimi  I  If  ever  actor  "  doubled  a  part "  that  actor  was 
HENRY  IRVING,  as  Jackimo,  when  he  "doubled  himself"  (so 
he  did  in  the  Corsican  Brothers  and  the  Courier  of  Lyons)  up, 
and  lay  concealed  in  his  own  chest!!  Marvellous  legsl  Won- 
derful feat  I 

Then  his  fight  with  brave  Frank  Posthumus  Cooper,  who 
floored  but  spared  him  I  Again,  what  more  wonderful  than  the 
apparently  sudden  conversion  of  lachimo,  when  he  confesses 
everything,  makes  amends,  and  is  so  profoundly  contrite  as  to 
excite  our  pity,  and  awaken  in  all  the  hope  that  he  will  for  the 
remainder  of  his  life  be  a  good  boy,  never  indulge  in  betting, 
and,  it  may  be,  marry  and  live  happy,  but  henpecked,  ever 
afterwards. 

Mr.   FRED  ROBINSON  as  hearty,  rough-and-ready  Belarius,  a 

banished  lord,"  calling  himself  Morgan  "  (which  he  was  per- 
fectly at  liberty  to  do),  and  his  two  "supposed"  sons,  Mr.  B. 
WEBSTER  and  Mr.  GORDON  CRAIG,  who  were  not  wise  enough  to 
know  their  own  father,  were,  all  three,  immediately  on 
the  best  terms  with  the  audience,  who  recognised  BUI  Arius 
as  an  old  friend  and  stager  in  spite  of  all  his  disguise.  There 
is  a  grand  stage-fight,  so  realistic  that  had  it  not  been  for  the 
chiefs,  Belarius  &  Co.  appearing  triumphantly  at  the  back,  in 
a  well-arranged  tableau,  it  would  have  been  difficult  for  an  un- 
military  audience  to  decide  which  party  was  victorious. 

Miss  GENEVIEVE  WARD,  as  the  wicked  Lady  Macbethlike 
queen,  and  Mr.  NORMAN  FORBES,  as  her  brainless,  conceited, 
quarrelsome  son  Cloten,  were  both  uncommonly  good  in  two 
not  uncommonly  good  parts. 

The  play  is  in  five  acts,  set  to  appropriate  music  by  Mr. 
HAMILTON  CLARKE,  while  the  scenery,  by  Messrs.  HAWES 
CRAVEN  and  HARKER,  shows  some  such  perfectly  perspectived 
interiors  as  the  artists  themselves  will  find  it  difficult  to  excel.  In 
the  bill  it  is  announced  by  the  manager,  rather  "  dropping  into 
rhyme  "  for  the  occasion,  that 

"  Mister  L.  ALMA.TADBMA,  E.A., 
Has  kindly  acted  as  adviser 
In  production  of  the  play." 

In  this  instance  "R.A."   stands  for   "Roman    Adviser,"    Mr. 


OCTOBER  3,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


161 


ALMA-TADEMA  being  an  unimpeachable  authority  in  the  matter 
of  classic  costumes.  Everybody  was  pleased  with  his  work, 
though  we  doubt  whether  ancient  Britons  were  quite  such 
gorgeous  swells,  in  silks,  satins,  and  gold,  as  are  the  Cymbel- 
inians ;  but,  if  ALMA-TADBMA  is  pleased,  then  Box  and  Cox  are 


Miss  Imogen  Terry  (seeing  Sill  'Amy  Oos).  Is  it  Mr.  Fred  Kobmson  Crusoe  ? 

0  Mr.  Robinson  Crusoe, 

Why  do  you  look  at  my  trews  so  ? 
My  name  is  Norval — no,  I  mean  Fidele. 

British  Bill  'Arry  Oos  Robinson  Crusoe  (heartily}.  Fidele-de-dee  !  Avast, 
my  hearty !  Cave  canem !  There 's  the  Cave  (L.H.),  and  there 's  the  Canem. 
(Pointing  to  hound  just  off  R.H.)  And  now  no  more  words.  I  believe  you, 
my  boy ! 

satisfied.  It  is  no  doubt  due  to  the  eminent  Royal  Acade- 
mician's accuracy  that  the  deer-hounds  of  the  first  century,  in 
which  the  play  is  cast,  when  brought  on  by  Guiderius,  are 
carefully  muzzled  in  order  to  comply  with  the  police  regulations 
of  the  present  year  of  grace.  The  forethought  was  admirable. 
How  awkward  if,  in  Scene  1,  Act  IV.,  a  constable,  say  A.I. 
from  Bow  Street,  close  at  hand,  should  have  stepped  on  the 
stage  and  taken  both  dogs  into  custody!  Next  day  we  should 
have  read  how  Belarius  &  Co.  had  been  let  off  with  a  small  fine 
in  consequence  of  its  being  their  first  offence.  However,  the 
muzzles  were  there,  and  the  contretemps  avoided. 

Cymbeline  must  be  in  for  a  run  of  good  luck,  thoroughly 
deserved  by  Sir  HENRY,  and  by  all  concerned  with  him,  in  this 
his  latest  Shakspearian  revival. 

"HAVE  I   DONE   WELL?" 

[The  Morning  states  that  the  QUEEN,  on  being  reminded  that  she  had 
reigned  longer  than  any  of  her  predecessors,  asked  "  Have  I  done  well  ?  "] 

"  HAVE  I  done  well  ?  "    Most  gracious  Queen, 

Look  on  the  record  of  your  life ; 
Think  of  What  is,  What  might  have  been. 

Empress  of  Peace,  mid  constant  strife  I 
"  Have  I  done  well  ?  "     0 1  peerless  She, 

Why  query  thus  your  endless  fame? 
When  other  beacons  may  not  be 

There  still  will  burn  your  deathless  name  I 


At 


a  Progressive  Meeting. 

First  Old  Woman.  It 's  marvellous  to  me,  ladies,  how  BURKE, 
with  all  his  up-to-date  ideas,  could  have  devoted  so  much  time 
to  the  compilation  of  the  peerage. 

Second  Old  Woman.  Yes !  but  he  never  got  at  the  proper  ages 
of  the  ladies!  [Enthusiastic  cheers. 


BRIGHTON. 

A  Monsieur  Punch. 

DEAR  MISTER, — At  the  fine  of  my  little  voyage  in  England  I 
arrest  myself  here.  One  has  often  spoken  me  of  Brighton,  the 
english  Nice,  the  town  of  sunshine.  Therefore,  in  quitting  the 
Island  of  Wight,  I  make  a  little  dttour.  and  I  visit  Brighton 
in  road  from  Portsmout  to  London.  After  to  have  voyaged 
in  a  train  astonishly  slow,  I  arrive  to  Brighton  the  evening,  1 
go  direct  to  the  hotel,  I  dine  about  the  nine  of  clock,  I  smoke 
a  cigar,  and  I  couch  myself.  My  bedroom  gives  on  the  garden, 
and  is  very  tranquil. 

The  morning  I  get  myself  up  of  good  hour,  and  I  go  out  to 
respire  the  air  from  the  sea.  It  seems  to  me  that  he  makes 
some  wind,  which  I  had  not  remarked  in  my  room  so  well 
sheltered,  and  I  see  the  paving  is  wetted.  I  open  my  um- 
brella, and  I  descend  from  the  perron.  Oh,  la,  la  I  At  that 
instant  there  I  encounter  a  wind,  a  tempest — ah  but,  a  veri- 
table cyclone ! — my  hat  flies  himself  away,  my  mackintosch  cape 
of  Inverness  raises  herself  all  around  of  my  head,  I  am  thrown 
against  the  balustrade  of  the  hotel,  and  I  see  not  where  I  am. 
I  hold  strongly  my  umbrella,  for  an  instant  he  struggles 
violently,  and  then  the  frame  and  the  silk  leap  into  the  air, 
cmportes — how  say  you? — by  the  wind,  and  I  hold  but  the 
•tick.  As  soon  as  possible  I  re-enter,  and  then  I  find  all  that 
so  amusing  that  I  laugh — nom  d'une  pipe,  je  me  pdme  de  rire  I — 
and  the  spectators  laugh  also,  and  we  are  all  very  gay.  Better 
worth  to  laugh  than  to  weep.  But  all  of  same  I  lose  a  good 
umbrella.  As  to  the  hat,  a  brave  coacher,  of  what  you  call  a 
"  fly,"  entraps  him — attraper,  how  say  you  ?  But  he  is  so 
much  hurt  that  he  resembles  to  the  old  hat  of  the  coacher  him- 
self, and  I  give  hi«i  to  this  last,  with  a  piece  of  six  pennys  in 
addition. 

This  arrives  a  certain  Saturday.  Figure  to  yourself,  Mister 
Punch,  that  he  rains  without  cease  all  the  day  and  all  the 
night,  and  still  all  the  Sunday  until  the  evening  1  And 
not  only  some  rain,  but  some  wind — a  tempest,  a  hurri- 
cane, a  cyclone  1  After  my  little  promenade  of  the  morning, 
when  I  lose  my  umbrella,  I  go  not  out  the  Saturday.  From  the 
windows  of  the  coffee-room  and  of  the  tea-room  I  regard  the 
sea,  extremely  agitated,  the  horizon  veiled  by  sombre  and 
heavy  clouds,  the  sky  entirely  grey.  I  see  also  the  promenade, 
deserted,  of  grey  asphalte,  wet  and  shining,  and  the  jette,  the 
"Ouestpir,"  also  deserted.  She  is  not  so  ugly  as  the  jetee  of 
Nice,  but  she  is  enough  ugly  all  of  same. 

Eh  well,  the  sunday  he  falls  still  of  the  rain!  C'est  assom- 
mant !  And  one  has  said  me  that  the  sunday  is  less  sad  at 
Brighton  than  in  the  other  parts  of  your  country.  Triste! 
Ah,  mon  Dieu!  In  fine,  after  the  lunch,  I  am  resolved  to  see 
the  town.  I  go  to  see  the  boulevards,  the  gardens,  the  palace 
of  the  King  GEORGE,  and  I  make  to  come  a  "  fly."  del,  quelle 
voiture!  She  is  entirely  closed,  like  a  carriage  of  a  convoi 
funebre,  a  funereal  convoy,  and  one  sees  nothing  if  one  has  not 
the  head  penchee — how  say  you? — by  the  door.  The  coacher 
conducts  me  all  the  long  of  the  deserted  promenade,  where  the 
wind  is  terrible,  and  then  we  see  the  palace.  Oh,  la,  la!  Un 
palais  de  carton!  Un  decor  d'opera-bouffe!  A  decoration  of 
buffoon  opera.  The  sole  thing  amusing  in  all  the  town  so  sad! 
After  this  we  traverse  some  miserable  little  streets,  of  houses 
so  ugly  and  so  mesquines — how  say  you? — that  I  arrest  the 
coacher  and  I  say  him,  "Go  to  the  boulevards,  the  grand  and 
large  streets."  He  responds  there  is  not  of  them.  II  n'y  en 
a  pas?  What  says  he  after?  "In  Hove."  Qu'est-ce  que  c'est 
que  ca?  Ah,  une  autre  mile!  And  we  traverse  again  more  of 
miserable  streets — my  faith,  so  ugly! — until  I  arrest  him  of 
new  and  demand,  "Where,  then,  is  this  Hove?"  "Here, 
maounsiah,"  says  he.  "But,"  I  respond,  "how  that?  It  is 
here  Brighton."  "No,  maounsiah,"  says  he,  "thissirs  Hove, 
thatthairs  Brighton,  all  one  town."  Then  he  continues,  and 
subitement  we  arrive  to  some  streets  so  enormously  wide  that 
in  this  rain  one  sees  hardly  from  one  side  to  the  other.  Some 
ones  are  almost  as  wide  as  long.  And  they  are  all  absolutely 
deserted,  and  the  grass  begins  to  grow  at  the  side. 

A  la  bonne  heure!  C'est  assez!  I  return  in  the  "fly"  to  the 
hotel  by  a  tempest  of  wind  and  of  rain,  passing  the  "  Ouestpir," 
where  I  read  the  affix,  "  Band  now  playing,"  but  I  go  there  not. 
Que  faire?  Nous  verrons.  Agree,  &c., 


AUGUSTB. 


LOYAL  AND  TRUE. — "A  propos  of  the  recent  downpours,"  quoth 
Mr.  JOHN  BULL,  "  the  only  continuous  rain  of  which  I  heartily 
approve  is  the  beneficent  reign  of  good  Queen  VICTORIA." 
Hear!  hear!  from  everywhere. 


162 


PUNCH,   OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARIJ 


[OCTOBER  3,  1896. 


FOR    LADIES    ONLY. 

"  RESERVED  CARRIAGES."    (See  "Day  by  Day  "  in  "Daily  News.") 

"  If  you  travel  in  one,  you  run  greater  riska  than  in  travelling  in  the  ordinary  carriages.  I  have 
known  railway  officials  allow  men  to  jump  into  them  at  the  last  moment  before  the  train  starts,  with  a 
mutual  wink  at  each  other  and  a  very  objectionable  grin." 


THE  CZAR  IN  SCOTLAND. 

(From  Our  Special  Correspondent.) 

THE  Great  Magnate,  who  is  at  present 
attracting  universal  attention,  declares 
that  the  weather,  the  police,  and  the  sol- 
diers have  impressed  him  with  the  belief 
that  he  has  never  left  Russia.  Could  any 
greater  compliment  have  been  paid  to  our 
social  and  atmospheric  system  ?  Strolling 
around  Balmoral  this  morning  I  picked  up 
several  Victorian  orders,  which  had  been 
evidently  dropped  by  some  of  the  CZAR'S 
attendants.  Unfortunately,  they  do  not 
admit  to  the  Castle  buttery,  where,  I 
understand,  brose  and  verse  go  mouth  with 
mouth.  I  honestly  confess  that  Mr. 
CHARLES  FRASER,  Her  Majesty's  Chief  Con- 
stable, is  too  much  for  me.  I  endeavoured 
to  obtain  access  to  tl.j  domain  by  disguis- 
ing myself  as  a  bundle  of  dirty  linen,  but 
Mr.  FRASER  remarked  that  such  effects 
were  never  washed  off  the  premises,  and 
sent  my  cart  back  to  Bulkier.  Again  I 
tried  to  get  within,  the  sacred  precincts  by 
adopting  the  garb  of  a  Cossack.  FRASER 
"  spotted  "  me  in  a  moment,  and  I  regret 
that  his  shoemaker  puts  pointed  tips  to  his 
boots.  As  a  final  resource  I  garbed  myself 
in  a  kilt,  but  again  FRASER  was  too  many 
f«r  me,  for  on  my  neglecting  to  answer 
his  query,  made  in  an  unknown  tongue 
(presumably  Gaelic),  he  declared  me  to  be 
an  imposter ;  and  once  more  I  took  up  the 


position  of  a  Peri.  Nevertheless,  I  like 
FRASER.  He  wears  the  best  frock  coats 
that  I  have  ever  seen ;  he  is  not  rough  in 
his  treatment  of  the  uninvited,  and,  from 
what  I  hear,  he  can  throw  a  fly  as  well  as 
the  late  JOHN  BRIGHT.  Certainly,  I  like 
FRASBR,  and  I  beg  to  thank  him  in  your 
columns  for  the  privilege,  which  he  has  not 
only  given  to  me  but  to  other  "special 
correspondents,"  of  writing  about  the 
CZAR,  the  CZARITZA,  and  the  Grand 
Duchess  OLOA  in  the  seclusion  of  an  inn. 
solaced  by  the  spirit  of  the  country,  and 
absolutely  debarred  from  giving  any  de- 
scriptive account  of  these  Imperial  person- 
ages from  personal  observation.  Mean 
time,  you  are  paying  my  expenses,  foi 
which  I  am  as  thankful  as  is  a  Highlandei 


when  he  sees  the  fag-end  of  the 
moon. 


SAM   WELLER  AND  THE   RONTGEN   RAYS. 

"HAVE  you  a  pair  of  eyesP"  said  Ser- 
jeant BTJZFUZ.  "Yes,  I  have  a  pair  of 
eyes,"  replied  SAM,  "and  that's  just  it. 
If  they  was  a  pair  o'  patent  double  million 
magnifyin'  gas  microscopes  of  hextra 
power,  pVaps  I  might  be  able  to  see 
through  a  flight  o'  stairs,  and  a  deal  door  ; 
but  bein'  only  eyes,  you  see,  my  wision  's 
limited."  [Tried  scene  in  Pickvrick. 

THE  REAL  "  TRIPLE  ALLIANCE." — A  three- 
figure  innings  at  cricket. 


THE  QUEEN! 

SIXTY    years    ago,    your    Majesty,    sixty 

years  ago! 
And  the  years  slip  by  so  swiftly,  though 

the  tide  of  advance  seems  slow. 
We    have    gathered    some    fruit    of    the 

hours,  some  golden  and  glorious  fruit, 
But  the  things  to  be  done  e'en  yet  are 

mighty,  and  many,  beyond  compute. 

Sixty   years   ago,    great    Queen  1     'Tis    a 

glorious  stretch  of  time! 
In  the  sweep  of  the  mighty  orb  of  State 

there  is  something  at  least  sublime. 
The  years  have  fled,  and  the  men  are  dead 

who  have  made  your  record  great; 
But  something  remains  to  be  garnered  yet, 

though  the  harvesting  seem  late. 

The  century  runs  to  its  fated  end;  and 

how  shall  its  record  close  ? 
In  the   blood-red  sunset  of  battle  fierce, 

or  the  crimson  flush  of  the  rose, 
Herald  of  hope  and  love  and  joy,  with  the 

lily  of  peace  close-knit  ? 
How  much  hangs  now  upon  royal  wisdom, 

how  much  upon  statesman  wit! 

Let  the   dead  past  bury  its  dead!     The 

whirligig  of  time 
Brings  its  revenges — which  to  snatch  at  a 

cruel  cost  were  crime. 
The  cynic  sneer,  and  the  blatant  boast  of 

the  jubilant  Jingo  day 
Are  silent  now,  for  the  feast  is  o'er,  and 

reckoning's  yet  to  pay. 

Peace  with  honour  I  A  splendid  phrase  ! 
May  its  echoes  never  cease! 

But  if  the  honour  be  left  aside,  how  long 
is  the  reign  of  peace? 

A  purple  patch  on  a  garment  worn  is  tri- 
umph at  cost  of  right, 

It  glows  awhile  in  the  firework  glare,  and 
then  falls  to  rags  in  the  light. 

Lady,     who     like     Ulysses,     that     "gray 

spirit,"  of  heart  so  grand, 
Canst   now  look    back   o'er  a  long,    long 

track  of  the  tale  of  a  great  old  land 
"  Till  old  experience  doth  attain,"  as  our 

mighty  MILTON  said, 
"  To  something  of  prophetic  strain "  in  a 

brain  by  memories  fed. 

Lady,  our  true,  brave  Queen  of  Hearts, 

whose  reign  outrecords  now 
Our    strongest    kings,    and    our    noblest 

Queens  ;  the  sturdiest  Briton's  brow 
In  reverence  bends  and  in  honest  love  and 

patriot  pride  to-day 
O'er   the    woman's   hand    that    a   sceptre 

grand  hath  known  so  well  to  sway. 

Sixty   years  ago,   your   Majesty !     Every 

year  well  filled 
With  strenuous  duty  which  won  respect 

and  a  simple  love  which  thrilled 
The  simplest  heart  in  all  your  realm  with 

the  wisest,  bravest,  best. 
God   save  the  Queen,  and  give   her  and 

her  England  true  honour  and  lasting 

rest! 


At  Whist. 

Old  Gentleman  (at  dose  of  game).  Why 
did  you  trump  my  best  card,  Miss  X.  ? 

Miss  X.  (who  has  seen  her  mistake). 
Because  I  thought  you  wanted  me  to 
lead  up  to  you. 

[0.  0.  pacified  immediately. 


INTERESTING  TO  MATCHMAKING  MAMMAS. 
— Cub  hunting  has  recommenced. 


PUNCH,   OR   THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. -OCTOBER  3,  1896. 


"BLESSED  ARE   THE   PEACEMAKERS." 

HER  GRACIOUS  MAJESTY.  "  ADIEU  !    DEAE  KINSMAN  '    IF  WE  BUT  ACT  TOGETHER,  ALL  WILL  BE  WELL.", 
["  It  has  been  officially  announced  that  the  visit  of  the  Emperor  and  Empress  to  the  Queen  at  Balmoral  will  terminate  Saturday,  October  3."] 


OCTOBER  3,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


165 


CONDENSED    CONFIDENCE. 

(For  Ladies  only.) 

DEAREST  ETHELINDA, — Since  my  escapade  at  Doncaster  I 
have  been  living  what  (were  I  a  man)  I  should  call  the  life  pi 
a  hermit  at  Scarborough.  My  cave,  it  is  true,  is  situated  in 
the  Royal  Hotel,  and  possibly  my  pursuits  are  not  those  in 
which  an  anchorite  would  indulge.  Nevertheless,  I  feel  that 
I  have  taken  the  veil  for  (don't  publish  this  in  the  local  papers) 
Lord  ARTHUR  RANTIPOLE,  like  some  dere- 
lict on  the  Sea  of  Time,  has  been  recovered 
by  his  wife!  It  happened  in  this  way. 
ARTHUR  (forgive  the  all-too-happy  fami- 
liarity of  nomenclature)  and  I  were  sitting 
on  the  Spa  promenade,  listening  to  that 
delicious  band,  which  my  dear  friend 
says  always  reminds  him  of  MEYER  LUTZ 
and  Little  Doctor  Faust,  and  the  beach 
was  moaning  in  sympathetic  concord  (just 
like  a  dog)  with  the  music.  In  three  words, 
we  were  happy,  and  murmured  soft  noth- 
ings, except  when  a  beast  of  a  man  threw 
the  end  of  his  cigar  on  my  dress  (then  Lord 
ARTHUR  got  up  and  talked  of  bloodshed) ; 
but  this  incident  was  as  nothing  to  what 
followed.  He  had,  under  the  influence,  I 
suppose,  of  a  twentieth  cigarette  and  a 
fifth  B.  and  S.  (cela  va  sans  dire),  seized 
my  hand,  and  exclaimed,  "  My  darling 
KADJ,  will  you  always  be  mine?"  and 

I,  maiden  like,  was  hanging  matrimonial  fire,  when  his  hat 
was,  as  ARTHUR  at  once  described  it,  "bashed"  over  his  brow 
by  a  FEMALE.  I  was  so  surprised  that  I  forgot  to  scream. 
The  Female  exclaimed,  "  At  last  I  Ve  found  you,  you  villain  1 " 
Lord  ARTHUR,  as  usual  cool  'as  the  proverbial  cucumber,  re- 
plied, "  And  where  's  the  catch  ?  "  This  seemed  to  anger  her, 
quite  unnecessarily  as  I  thought.  She  hissed — I  should  say 
"whispered,"  did  that  convey  the  diabolical  tones  of  her  utter- 
ance—"I  am  in  earnest  this  time.  JONES  is  round  tke  corner." 
At  these  mysterious  words  Lord  ARTHUR'S  nonchalance  vanished. 
"  All  right,"  he  said,  "  I  '11  come  with  you."  And  then  without 
even  raising  his  chapeau  after  his  vieille  noblesse  style,  he  dis- 
appeared, and  I  have  not  seen  him  since.  Now,  who  is  JONES  ? 
The  only  explanation  which  I  have  received  is  the  following 
telegram  sent  from  York:  — 

"  Nobbled  by  wife.    "We  shall  meet  again  in  heaven. — ARTHUR." 

This  document,  as  you  may  suppose,  is  but  small  consolation 
to  me.  Again  I  ask,  who  is  JONES?  Is  he  the  FOUCHE  of 
some  gross  connubial  plot,  or  the  No.  1  of  a  dynamite  conspiracy 
to  ruin  my  happiness?  Papa,  always  unfeeling,  asserts  that 
Lady  ARTHUR  and  JONES  have  conspired  to  enable  Lord  ARTHUR 
to  make  a  hurried  flight.  Luckily  he  was  not  staying  at  our 
hotel,  for  from  several  inquiries  we  gather  that  he  has  not 
satisfied  his  landlord,  and  his  grooms  are,  I  know,  in  extremis. 
Poor  fellow !  Had  he  never  been  foolish  enough  to  bind  the 
sacred  cord  round  his  neck  he  and  I  might  now  have  been  one. 

I  feel  the   situation,   ETHELINDA,  perhaps  more  than  you  can 
imagine,   and  am  reading  East   Lynne  for  consolation.     Mrs. 
HENRY  WOOD  knew  where  and  when  the  heart  grew  fondest. 

II  faut  se  distraire.     I  have  just  seen  a  charming  yachting  cos- 
tume for  winter  wear,  the  novelty  of  the  suit  being  that  every 
button   is  different,    so   that  the   Royal   Yacht   Squadron,  the 
London,  the  Thames,  the  Corinthian,  the  Southampton,  and  even 
the  merry  Mudhook  are  represented  on  the  discs.     I  shall  order 
a  jacket,  waistcoat   and  skirt   ornamented   after  this   descrip- 
tion from  *Messrs.     directly  I  return  to  town.     A  good 

dish  for  supper  at  Michaelmas   is  a  Solan-goose,  boiled  with 
grapes  and  capsicums,  and,  before  serving,  "  doused  "  with  Par- 
mesan cheese  and  Harvey  sauce. 

Ever,   dear,  Your  loving  cousin,  KADJ. 

P.S. — But  who  is  JONES? 

P.P.S. — My  poor  ARTHUR!  What  is  JONES?  More  next 
week  if  I  can  discover  where  is  JONES  I 

*  Name  blotted  out. — ED. 


Modern   "  Criticism." 

George.  What  a  splendid  notice  that  is  of  yours,  ALFRED,  on 
the  new  piece  at  the  Gymnasium.  It  is  quite  an  epilogue ! 

Alfred.  And  so  I  meant  it  to  be,  dear  old  chap ;  for,  don't 
you  know,  I  also  wrote  the  prologue  for  the  excellent  manager. 


LATTEEDAY  LIONS. 

(Notes  from  a  Society  Paper  of  a  future  date.) 

THE  present  season  promises  to  be  an  exceptionally  brilliant 
one,  owing,  in  large  measure,  to  the  number  of  distinguished 
visitors  from  foreign  countries  who  are  honouring  London  by 
their  presence.  It  is  true  that  in  former  years  social  gaieties 
were  much  enhanced  by  the  appearance  of  such  notabilities  as 
the  SHAHZADA  and  Li  HUNG  CHANG,  but  never  until  now  have  so 
many  illustrious  strangers  visited  us  at  the  same  time,  to  refresh 
our  jaded  spirits  by  the  quaint  originality  of  their  habits  and 
conversation. 

DURING  the  past  week  Prince  BOBO,  the  famous  head  of  the 
West  Indian  Scalpatzite  tribe,  has  continued  his  tour  of  the 
provinces,  and  has  displayed  a  most  intelligent  interest  in  the 
various  manufacturing  processes  which  he  has  witnessed.  A  very 
humorous  incident  occurred  at  Messrs.  HARDWARE'S  factory, 
during  an  exhibition  of  the  work  of  smelting.  The  Prince,  who 
was  in  the  best  of  spirits,  suddenly  seized  the  manager,  who  was 
showing  him  round  the  works,  and  dropped  him  head  foremost 
into  a  huge  caldron  of  molten  iron,  greatly  to  the  delight  of  his 
dusky  suite.  At  Messrs.  CANNON'S  ordnance  factory,  one  of  the 
staff  ventured  to  assert  to  the  Prince  that  a  machine-gun  was  a 
more  effectual  weapon  than  those  in  use  among  the  Scalpatzite 
tribe,  whereupon  the  Prince  smilingly  drew  out  a  tomahawk, 
and  with  marvellous  dexterity  promptly  killed  two  of  the  factory 
hands  who  happened  to  be  standing  near  him. 


THE  eccentric  manners  of  Lord  PIM- 
PAM-POM,  that  celebrated  Oriental  states- 
man, continue  to  amuse  London  Society. 
While  in  conversation  with  Lady  PLANTA- 
GENET  at  the  Archbishop's  garden-party, 
his  keen  eye  discerned  that  the  beauty  of 
her  ladyship's  coiffure  was  not  due  to  Na- 
ture alone,  and,  with  a  most  impassive 
countenance,  he  suddenly  snatched  away 
her  wig  and  placed  it  upon  his  own  head. 
At  the  same  entertainment  it  is  said  that 
he  proposed  to  no  less  than  eleven  ladies, 
seven  of  whom  were  already  provided  with 
husbands.  Lady  PLANT AGENET  he  offered 
to  assign  as  a  bride  to  his  secretary,  re- 
marking  to  her  "  that  she  was  both  too  old 
and  too  ugly  to  suit  himself." 


I  HEAR  that  the  chef  de  cuisine  of  PiM-PAM-PoM's  household  is 
in  despair,  owing  to  the  fact  that  his  lordship  insists  upon  dining 
upon  roast  fox  daily.  Great  difficulty  is  experienced  in  obtaining 
a  sufficient  supply  of  these  animals,  and  the  unfortunate  cook  is 
not  reassured  by  his  master's  expressed  intention  to  dine  off 
him  if  his  favourite  dish  be  not  forthcoming. 

KING  KOTCHAWAYO,  with  his  African  attendants,  took  great 
pleasure  in  the  ballet  which  he  witnessed  on  Saturday  night  at 
the  Labrador  Theatre  of  Varieties.  Indeed,  he  insisted  upon  its 
being  continued  for  five  hours,  and  shot  with  his  revolver  two  of 
the  performers  who  showed  some  symptoms  of  fatigue  towards 
the  end  cf  the  third  hour.  He  also  took  home  with  him  the 
big  drum  and  some  suits  of  stage  armour,  both  of  which  are  to  be 
utilised  on  his  return  to  his  native  land. 


THE  true  explanation  of  the  regrettable  fracas  which  occurred 
in  Piccadilly  on  Saturday  night  has  not  yet  been  given.  Put 
shortly,  it  is  as  follows :  — about  seven  o'clock,  a  cab-horse, 
which  had  been  much  overworked,  suddenly  fell  down  dead  in  the 
road.  The  incident  was  perceived  both  by  the  Esquimaux  at- 
tached to  Baron  HECLA'S  suite  and  by  the  African  retinue  of  King 
KOTCHAWAYO.  With  a  simultaneous  yell  each  party  rushed  upon 
the  fallen  animal,  with  the  purpose  of  claiming  it  as  their  booty 
and  conveying  it  to  their  kitchen,  and  the  dispute  at  once  became 
animated.  Fortunately,  however,  the  amount  of  harm  done  was 
trifling,  a  detachment  of  life-guards  separated  the  combatants, 
and  the  total  number  killed  on  each  side  did  not  much  exceed 
twenty. 

What  we  are  Coming  to. 

Uncle  (to  Nephew  going  back  to  Eton) .  Here 's  a  pound's  worth 
of  silver  for  you,  JACK.  I'm  sorry  that  I  haven't  got  a  sovereign. 
Nephew.  Oh  I  don't  mention  it.     I  'm  a  bimetallist,  you  know. 


166 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  3,  1896. 


THE    NORTH    POLE    AS    IT    REALLY    IS. 

( For  the  information  of  Dr.  Nansen  and  others. ) 


A  WORLD  OF  WORDS. 

[Professor  FLINDERS  PETRIE,  in  an  Address  on 
"  Man  before  Writing,"  delivered  at  the  Annual 
Meeting  of  the  British  Association,  says  that  the 
present  generation  is  "  drunken  with  writing," 
that  "  we  let  it  override  the  growth  of  our  minds 
and  the  common  use  of  our  senses,"  and  that  "  the 
servant,  speech,  has  come  to  be  mistaken  for  the 
master,  thought."] 

DRUNKEN   with  writing?     Aye,    Sir,    and 

dyspeptic, 
Hysterical,  insane,  and  epileptic 

With  sheer  excess  of  scribble ! 
'Tis   words,   words,   words,    in    plenteous 

printer's  ink, 
Make  man  a  thing  that  never  thinks  to 

think, 
A  phrase-devouring  fribble. 

The    Parliament,    the    Platform,    Pulpit, 

Press, 
Pack  us  with  words,  and  yet  we  make  a 

mess 

Of  most  things  that  need  thinking. 
We  suck  up  speech  as  sands  suck  water 

up, 
And    yet    compare    as    Hamlet    with    a 

KRUPP, 
From  "name  of  action"  shrinking. 

A    crowd     of    geese,   we    cackle,    cackle, 

cackle, 
But  when  Fate  gives  some  Gordian  knot 

to  tackle, 

Still  wordily  we  wrangle. 
A  multitude  of  talkers  all  unstable, 
Confronted  with  a  knot  they  are  unable 
To  cut  or  disentangle. 


The  petty  babble  or  the  big  bow-wow, 
Equally  inconclusive,  swell  the  row, 

But  do  not  help  the  issue ; 
The  great  god  Talkee-talkee  is  our  Dagon. 
Tongues,  futile  as  Penelope's  shuttle,  wag 
on, 

Spinning  talk's   gossamer  tissue, 

Which  talk  anon  unravels.      Ins  and  Outs 
Exchange  wild  eloquence  in  windy  flouts, 

And  papers  print  the  lot  of  it ; 
We    word-devourers     read    and     call     it 

grand, 
All  unaware  we  do  not  understand 

The  stale  sophistic  rot  of  it. 

Cliches   and    cant,    and    clap-trap,    catch- 
words, clack, 

At  the   command   of  every  Grub   Street 

hack, 
Sway  us  in  Art  and  Letters. 

Earth's   early   Titans  could   not   read   or 
write, 

But  oh,  they  could  make  up  their  minds, 

and  fight! 
In  which  they  were  our  betters. 

Ah,  FLINDERS  PETRIB,  as  you  slily  hint, 
There  are  some  drawbacks  e'en  to  speech 

and  print. 

Progress  we  'd  not  be  slighting ; 
But  speech,  the  master — thought,  the  ser- 
vant ?     Yes  I 
There  were  great  wits  before  the  Penny 

Press, 
And  MEN — e'en  before  Writing  1 


THE  cab  strike  ought  to  be  settled  at 
the  next  cabbin'  it  council. 


A  BOULOGNE. 

( Verse  a  propos  of  the  capture  of  Tynan  through 
the  sharpness  of  Mr.  Riley.  With  apologies 
to  Mr.  Robert  Martin,  the  composer. ) 

Tynan  sings: 
Is  that  Mr.  RILEY 
A-looking  so  smily, 
The  gendre  du  brave  maitre 
Of  the  Folkestone  Hotel. 

Mr.  Riley  sings: 
It  is  Mr.  RILEY, 
Uncommonly  wily ; 
Ye 're  TYNAN,  I'm  RILEY, 
I  know  ye  right  well. 

[Exeunt  together. 

LAST  week  Lord  SALISBURY  left  his 
Castle,  which  is  Walmer,  for  Balmoral, 
which  is  colder.  Hope  Great  Britain 
generally  will  be  benefited  by  his  visit. 


Song  of  the  Khedive  Incognito. 

AT  the  battle  of  the  Nile 

(Upper  Nile,  I  mean) 
I  was  there  all  the  while 

(Or  I  ought  to  have  been), 
With  KITCHENER  the  General 

A-serving  of  his  Queen, 
While  I  was  in  Paris 

Enjoying  the  cuisine. 


THE  Emperor  of  RUSSIA  has  ordered  a 
new  autocar.  He  says  that  an  autocar 
is  the  only  conveyance  fit  for  an  auto- 
carat. 


OCTOBER  3,  1896.] 


PUNCH,   OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


167 


PROVINCIAL  SKETCHES. 

No.  III.— OUR  GENIUS. 

A  DUNCE  was  JIM,  a  dunce,  indeed, 
A  perfect  sample  of  the  breed — 
On  this  were  all  the  world  agreed, 

Except  his  doting  mother. 
"  My  bairn !  my  bonny  bairn !  "  quoth  she ; 
"  It  is  his  lungs  are  weak,  ye  see." 
"  Alack,  it  is  his  head,"  thought  we, 

And  glanced  at  one  another. 

Her  fear  about  his  health  was  great, 
And  still  the  more  that  JIMMY  ate, 
The  more  she  thought  him  delicate, 

And  more  and  more  she  gave  him. 
"  He  's  but  a  het-hoose  flower !  "  she  cried, 
"Owre  beautiful  tae  live,"  she  sighed, 
"But  yet  I'll  try,  whate'er  betide, 

An'  dae  my  best  tae  save  him." 

So  tender  was  her  care  that  lo ! 
The  hot-house  flower  began  to  grow, 
And  soon  was  six-foot-two  or  so, 

A  healthy  sixteen-stunner. 
"  Noo,  mark  my  words,"  she  cried  in  glee, 
"  As  sure  as  three  times  one  is  three, 
My  JIM  a  genius  will  be, 

An'  fill  the  warl'  wi'  wunner. 

"What  wad  ye  wish  tae  be,  my  sweet? 
I  doubt  the  farmin  's  gey  and  weet : 
The  damp  micht  get  intil  yer  feet, 

An'  then  the  cauld  wad  tak'  ye. 
The  books  is  fine  an'  dry,  but  oo  I 
They're  sair  upon  a  body's  broo. 
Eh,  losh  me,  JIM,  I  hae 't  the  noo! — 

An  airtist  we  will  mak'  ye !  " 

The  mother  had  a  mind,  the  son 

To  all  appearances  had  none  ; 

Her  will  was  law,  and  swiftly  done ; 

JIM  smilingly  acceded. 
She  bought  him  brushes  by  the  score, 
With  chalks  and  canvases  galore, 
And  paints  and  palettes — far,  far  more 

Than  ever  artist  needed. 

Well,  JIM  set  to  and  daubed  away 
Some  pictures  for  the  R.  S.  A., 
And  when  it  came  to  showing  day 

His  friends  were  asked  to  view  them. 
We  came  in  crowds  the  gems  to  see, 
But  which  was  cow  and  which  was  tree 
No  two  of  us  could  quite  agree, 

And  JIM  himself  scarce  knew  them. 

"  H'm,  yes,"  said  we,  "  a  pretty  show ; 
But  don't  you  think  that  JIM  might  go 
And  learn  to   draw  ?    'Twould  help,  you 
know, 

In  painting  cows  and  creatures." 
"Na,  na,"  his  mother  answered  then, 
"  An  airtist 's  no  like  ither  men, 
For  eh,  he's  born,  no  mad',  ye  ken — 

My  JIM  shall  hae  nae  teachers." 

So  JIM  worked  on  as  best  he  might 
By  artless  Nature's  simple  light, 
Untrammelled  by  a  point  of  sight 

Or  any  such  vexation. 
But,  strange  to  say,  none  took  the  whim 
Of  buying  any  gems  of  him : 
They  stuck  like  barnacles  to  JIM 

With  grim  determination. 

A  year  or  two  went  slowly  past, 
And  JIM  grew  tired  of  it  at  last : 
His  weary  brushes  down  he  cast, 

And  took  instead  to  drinking. 
"Eh!"  cried  his  mother,  "let  him  be. 
His  mind  is  overstrained,  ye  see. 
He  '11  jist  lie  fallow  for  a  wee. 

'Tis  genius,  I'm  thinking." 


A    DRY    CALLING. 

"Tn"  OLE  SQUIRE  STOP  AN'  SPOKE  TO  ME  THIS   MARNIN' ;  AN*  Oi  AST  'IM  'ow  MASTER 
PHILIP  WAS  GETTIN'  ON  IN  LUNNON.      'On,'  SAYS  'E,  "E 's  BIN  CALLED  TO  THE  BAR.'     Oi 

DUNNO  WOT   'E  MEANT,    SO   Oi   DIDN*   SAY  NOTHIN*  ;  BUT  Oi  SAYS  TO   MESELK,    'AH,'   Oi   SAYS, 

'FROM  WHAT  Oi  REMEMBER  OF  'IM,  'E  DIDN'  WANT  NO  CALLIN"  !'" 


Well,  JIM  lay  fallow,  and  he  found 
That  when  he  tried  to  loaf  around 
His  efforts  with  success  were  crowned — 

No  living  man  could  match  him. 
It  was  a  calling,  it  was  plain, 
That  suited  to  a  T  his  vein. 
D'you  think  he'll  ever  paint  again? 

No — JIM   knows  better — catch   him ! 


To  A  CANTEKBTTBY  PILGRIM.  —  Mr. 
Punch's  congratulations  to  THOMAS  SIDNEY 
COOPER,  R.A.,  as  being  hale  and  hearty 
on  his  ninety-third  birthday.  In  animal 
painting  he  has  made  many  a  first-rate 
"coo."  "Always  a  goot  prishe,  ma  tear, 
for  a  Cooper,  and  none  of  his  lambs  were 
ever  bought  sheap."  Mr.  SIDNEY  COOPER 
lives  at  Canterbury,  within  the  vicinity  of 
Hales  Place,  where  all  the  Hales  and 
Hearties  are.  Ars,  et  vita  longa  with  his 
veteran  Brother  Brush. 


JEAMES  IN  EXCELSIS.  —  The  Daily 
Chronicle  of  Saturday  recounts  how 
"ACHILLB  VANDEBCAMP,  one  of  the  royal 
footmen,  for  rescuing  King  LEOPOLD  in  a 
recent  carriage  accident,  has  received  the 
decoration  of  the  First  Order  of  the  Croix 
Civique."  Bravo,  ACHTLLE!  "  Bouillant 
ACHILLB  1 "  This  footman  has  now  in 
waiting  on  him  a  page  in  history. 

A  NEW  DEPASTURE. — The  Imperial  In- 
stitute has  lost  "her  VINE,  the  merry 
cheerer,"  as  WILLIAM  the  Di-vine  hath  it. 
Who  is  to  take  the  cheer  of  the  merry 
cheerer  now? 

MRS.  PHOSSYL  wishes  to  know  whether 
the  capture  of  Dongola  will  interfere  with 
the  winter  season  at  Venice. 

CYCLB  SHABB  MABKBT.  —  Cycles  been 
moving  irregularly.  Dunlops  fell.  All 
coming  round  again. 


168 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  3,  1896. 


"MAMMA!"  "YES,  DEAR." 

"WHERE'S  THE  WIND  WHEN  IT  DOESN'T  BLOW?" 


LES    CHERS    AMIS. 

Fences  d'un  President. 

AH,  ces  preparatifs !  Je  suis  aneanti.  Quelqu'un  qui  me  de- 
mande?  Qui  done?  Ah,  la  lecon  de  russe!  Mon  professeur. 
Je  n'ai  rien  appris,  pas  un  seul  verbe  irregulier.  Je  n'ai^pas 
le  temps.  Dites-lui  de  revenir  ce  soir  a  minuit,  ou  plutot  a 
deux  heures  du  matin.  Dormir  ?  Impossible.  Voyons  done ! 
Ce  programme.  Oh,  le  sacre  programme!  Toujours  le  pro- 
gramme. On  a  enleve  1'echafaudage  de  1'Arc  de  Triomphe? 
Bon.  On  va  couvrir  les  mines  de  la  Cour  des  Comptes  de  naut 
en  bas?  De  quoi?  De  bouquets  d'orchidees.  Bon.  Et  lef 
arbres  des  Champs  Elysees  absolument  sans  feuilles?  Oh, 
quelle  horreur !  Qu'est-ce  qu'on  va  y  mettre  ?  Des  feuilles  en 
papier,  ou  de  papier.  Ah,  la  bonne  idee !  Et  le  train  imperial ': 
Mais  il  y  en  a  deux ;  le  train  imperial  de  1'Empereur,  et  le 
train  imperial  de  la  Republique.  Quelle  drole  d'idee,  un  train 
imperial  republicain !  Comment  ?  Les  voies  ne  peuvent  sup- 
porter le  poids  du  train?  Alors  nos  chers  amis  seront  obliges 
de  descendre  ?  Ou  ca  ?  A  vingt-deux  kilometres  de  Cherbourg. 
Et  puis  ?  II  faut  continuer  le  voyage  en  voitures  de  troisieme, 
qui  ne  sont  pas  si  Ipurdes?  Mais  il  faut  absolument  recon- 
struire  tout  le  chemin  de  fer.  Impossible  ?  Oh,  mon  Dieu ! 
Mais  la  Seine  ?  Si  nos  chers  amis  pouvaient  venir  de  Cher- 
bourg a  Paris  en  bateau-mouche  imperial  republicain?  Mais 
non!  II  faudrait  tous  les  cinq  jours  de  leur  sejour  en  France 
pour  9a.  Quelqu'un  qui  me  demande  ?  Un  projet  de  fete  ? 
Le  cent  trente-huitieme  que  j'ai  recu  aujourd'hui.  Et  encore  ? 
Des  representants  d'une  ville  de  province.  La  soixante- 
troisieme  delegation !  Qu'est-ce  qu'ils  disent  ?  Tin  projet  de 
cadeau  pour  nos  chers  amis?  Oh,  mon  Dieu!  Encore  un 
cadeau!  Le  deux  cent  quatre-vingt  quinzieme  depuis  cinq 
heures  du  matin.  Mais  voyons  done !  Nous  n'avons  pas  un 
instant  a  perdre.  Le  programme.  Encore  quelqu'un  ?  Qu'est- 
ce  qu'il  dit?  Un  cheval  est  mort?  Un  cheval  imperial  r6- 
publicain,  que  nous  avons  achet6  si  cher  ?  Quel  malheur ! 
Mais  nous  en  avons  encore  dix-neuf.  A  propos  des  voitures 
imperiales  republicaines,  ou  faut-il  m'asseoir?  Nous  serons 
troia.  Et  il  n'y  a  que  deux  places  en  face.  Est^ce  qu'on  peut 
construire  une  voiture  avec  trois  places  en  face  ?  Impossible  ? 
Ek  bien,  que  faire?  Si  je  montais  a  cheval,  ou  a  bicyclette, 
ou  a  cote  du  cocher?  Mais  non,  mais  non!  Oh,  mon  Dieu! 


Si  je  pouvais  me  retirer  au  Havre  1  Ah,  le  cher  petit  nid  la- 
bas,  si  tranquil,  si  charmantl  Mais  il  faut  nous  depecher.  Ce 
programme — Quoi  done  ?  Encore  quelqu'un  qui  me  demande  ? 
Un  r^dacteur?  Encore  un  projet!  Toujours  des  projets!  Et 
mon  habit?  Comment  arranger  93,?  Un  habit  noir,  comme 
un  simple  President  des  Etats  Unis?  Tiens,  j'ai  mon  ruban 
rouge  1  Ou  quelquechose  de  fantaisie,  un  habit  de  fete,  en  velours 
jaune,  en  satin  blanc,  brode,  galonne?  Ah,  9a  m'est  e"gal! 
Faites-le  comme  vous  voulez.  Je  n'ai  pas  le  temps.  Voyons ! 
Ce  sacre'  programme  1  Depechons-nous.  Ah,  les  chers  amis ! 
Quel  plaisir  de  les  recevoir  convenablement  1  Mais  c'est 
ereintant  tout  de  meme. 


TO  THE  ENRAGED  POET. 

DEAR  SIR  EDWIN, — ESAU,  in  consequence  of  JACOB'S  oily  art- 
fulness, sold  his  birthright  for  a  mess  of  pottage ;  and  if  a  great 
poet  chooses  to  part  with  a  sample  of  his  genius  in  considera- 
tion of  receiving  a  pot  of  blacking,  who  shall  blame  the  bard 
for  doing  just  exactly  what  he  likes  with  his  own? 

Nay,  Sir  EDWIN,  you  take  this  too  much  to  heart. 

I  confess,  that  when  I  opened  my  Times  on  Wednesday  morn- 
ing, and  perceived  your  stirring  verses  lying  in  small  type  sur- 
rounded by  various  advertisements  of  a  distinctly  unpoetic 
character,  I  at  once  turned  to  the  central  page  to  see  if  you  had 
been  "  crowded  out "  by  the  publication  of  the  Austinian 
Laureate's  ad  cap-in-handum  verses.  But  the  muse  of  ALFRED 
the  Less  had  not  been  inspired  (I  wonder  if  he  got  a  wigging 
for  his  negligence  from  Her  Most  Gracious  Majesty,  forwarded 
per  Lord  SALISBURY?)  to  write,  and  consequently  there  would 
iiave  been  space  for  one  poet  inside  the  great  daily  journal. 

That  it  should  be  in  small  type !  in  that,  to  my  mind,  lay  the 
indignity.  O  the  pity  of  it !  O  the  printing  of  it ! 

If  Sir  JOHN  MILLAIS'S  "Bubbles"  had  been  indifferently  re- 
produced or  belittled  (as  has  your  poem  by  its  type)  on  our 
walls,  might  not  that  great  artist  have  had  a  word  to  say  on  the 
mbject  to  Messrs.  PEARS  &  Co.,  who  purchased  the  above- 
mentioned  charming  picture  for  one  thousand  guineas?  Did 
not  Sir  FREDERIC  LEIGHTON,  P.B.A.,  has  not  Professor  HER- 
KOMER,  R.A.,  done  work  for  hoardings,  and  do  not  "hoard- 
ings" mean  "savings"?  I  devoutly  hope  so.  If  I  am  wrong 
in  quoting  the  above,  have  not  several  notable  artists  contribu- 
ted, by  pictorial  advertisements,  to  the  mural  decoration  of  our 
dull  city?  Then  why  not  verses  as  advertisement  by  one  of 
our  leading  poets? 

When  some  thrice-happy  publisher  is  fortunate  enough  to 
obtain  the  right  of  printing  and  publishing  your  poems,  my 
dear  Sir  EDWIN,  will  he  publish  them  without  advertisements, 
literary  perhaps,  but  that 's  as  it  may  be,  within  the  two  covers  ? 
Does  this  derogate  from  the  poet's  dignity?  Not  one  whit. 
Are  not  the  gems  of  wit  and  humour  contained  in  Mr.  Punch's 
weekly  pages  invariably  framed,  as  it  were,  by  an  outer  sheet 
of  worthy  and  most  useful  advertisements  ? 

Then,  poet,  please  to  moderate  the  rancour  of  your  pen,  and 
if  you  can  strike  the  lyre,  at  three  times  as  much,  per  chord, 
with  advertisements,  as  you  can  obtain  for  the  same  without 
advertisements,  why,  pocket  the  coin,  and  sing  us  the  song 
which  all  the  world  (consider  the  circulation  of  these  journals) 
will  be  delighted  to  hear !  Who  can  sing  without  notes  ?  Let 
the  purchasers  supply  the  notes.  For  yourself,  insist  only  on 
two  things, — big  type,  and  a  central  position! 

Yours  sincerely,          A  LOVER  OF  POETRY  AND  PICKLES. 


The  Moral  of  Balmoral. 

Her  Gracious  Majesty  to  the  Czar : — 

To  Deeside  you  have  come. 

Wise  counsels  be  your  guide. 
Here,  in  our  Highland  home, 

For  lasting  Peace  decide. 


Strange  Tale  from  the   Sea. 

A  PARAGRAPH  in  the  Times  of  Wednesday  last  week  told  us 
how  a  shark  had  been  caught,  and  in  its  inside  was  found  by 
the  sailors  "a  complete  copy  of  the  Times"  newspaper.  Per- 
haps the  shark  "  took  in  the  Times  regularly,"  but,  being  in  a 
hurry  that  particular  morning,  only  read  but  did  not  tho- 
roughly digest  the  contents.  The  shark's  circulation  was  soon 
stopped,  but  the  Times  goes  on  as  before. 

THE  ARMENIOUS  BLACKSMITH. — Mr.    GLADSTONE. 


OCTOBER  10,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


169 


£#•3! 


THIRTEENTH  CENTURY. 


CANTERBURY    PILGRIMS. 


NINETEENTH  CENTURY. 


THE  LITTLE  VULGAR  GIRL  " 

(A  Street  Studij  in  the  School- Board}Era.) 

AIR—"  Th,e  Little  Vulgar  Boy." 
IT  was  in  London  yesterday,  I  strolled  a 

Board   School  near; 
I  saw  a  little  Vulgar  Girl— I  said,  "  What 

make  you  here  ?  " 
She  grinned  at  me  with  youthful  cheek. 

her  lip  with  scorn   did  curl ; 
Again  I  said,  "What  make  you  here,  oh 
3  little  Vulgar  Girl?" 

She  sniffed,  that  little  Vulgar  Girl !     Now 

childhood  should  not  scoff, 
And  when  the  gentler  sex  is  young,  sneers 

do  not  set  it  off. 
She    put   her   finger  in  her    mouth,    the 

shrillest  shriek  arose, 
Such  as  a  fierce  Red  Indian  might  yell  al 

savage  foes. 

"  Hush !     Don't   do   that,   my  little  miss. 

It  splits  my  ears!"  I  said. 
•'Garn,  you  old  guffin!"  she  replied.  "Git 

'ome  and  go  to  bed ! " 
"Garn?"— "An     old     guffin?"— "Go     to 

bed?"— "And  this  to  me?     Oh,  fie! 
It 's  very  wrong  for  little  girls  to  be  so 

rude !  "  said  I. 

"Way-oh!     old     wrinkles!"     yelled     the 

child.     Then  upwards  she  did  fling 
Her  little  heels  into  the  air,  like — oh !  like 

anything. 
I've   noticed    all    about   the   streets   that 

girls  of  tender  age 
Do    fling    their    little    limbs    about    like 

minxes  on  the  stage. 

I    said,    "My   little    female-girl,    I    must, 

politely,  heg 
You  not  to   play   such  vulgar  pranks  as 

that  with  your  poor  leg! 
You'll  dislocate  your  joints,  my  child!" 

She  grinned,  "All  right,  old  flick! 
You    keep   yer    'air    on,    poor  old   crock. 

That 's  only  my  'igh  kick ! 

"There  ain't  a  girl  in  our  Board   School 

can  kick  as  'igh  as  me, 
Although  I  ain't   eleven  yet,  I  tyke  the 

cake,  Sir!     See?" 
With  which    she    sprang,    and   spun,   and 

shrieked,  a  thing  of  shame  and  dread, 
And,   with   one  final  flourish,   kicked  my 

hat  from  off  my  head! 

I  blushed,  and  picked  it  from  the  road.  I 
said,  "My  dear  young  girl, 

I  'm  sure  the  Board  School  cannot  teach 
you  thus  to  spin  and  twirl. 


I  trust  they  teach  you  the  Three  R.'s — 

perchance  a  fourth — but,  oh ! 
Don't  you   see   kicking  high   like   this   is 
really  very  low?" 

She  placed  two  fingers  in  her  mouth,  and 

made  a  frightful  noise, 
When  up  came  running  several  girls,  and 

also  several  boys. 
"  Oh,  chummies,  'ere 's  a  lark !  "  she  cried. 

"  This  funny,  fat,  old  fool, 
Thinks  the  three  R.'s  the  only  things  we 

learn  at  our  Board  School  I  " 

"Oh,  little  Vulgar  Girl!"  I  said,  "what 

is  it  else  you  learn  ?  " 
She  eyed  me   with  a  brazen  stare  which 

made  me  blush  and  burn. 

II  Vulgar  be  blowed,  old  boy!"  she  said. 

"  You  Ve  been  upon  the  shout ! 
We  learn  to  darnce,  an'  smoke,  an'  swear, 
an' — know  our  ways  about." 

"And  this  is  Education,  then!"  I  mused. 
"  Her  legs  to  twirl 

Like  minxes  at  the  Music  Halls  delights 
this  little  girl. 

Her  grammar 's  very  shaky,  her  pronun- 
ciation queer, 

But  her  high-kick  is  marvellous,  and  can't 
she  chaff  and  jeer? 

"  She  and  her  sort  come  shrieking  round 
the  square  wherein  I  dwell. 

They  never  play  at  girlish  games,  they 
always  romp  and  yell. 

To  battledore  and  shuttle-cock,  skipping- 
rope,  hoop  and  stick 

They  never  stoop ;  their  only  joys  seem 
noise  and  that  high-kick. 

"  I  wonder  much  what  sort  of  wives  such 

Vulgar  Girls  will  make " 

"Wot  are  you  mutterin'  of,  old  boy,  and 

wot 's  your  little  fake  ?  " 
The  little  Vulgar  Girl  inquired.  And  then 

they  all  took  hands. 
And  danced  about  me  like  wild  tribes  in 

dark  and  distant  lands. 

I  grabbed  my  hat,  I  up  and  fled,  pursued 

by  their  wild  shrieks. 
I  Vo  watched  such  scenes  about  my  square, 

for  weeks,  and  weeks,  and  weeks, 
And  what  I  want  to  know,  what  time  I 

see  her  blare  and  twirl, 
Is — what  will  be  the  future  of  the  little 

Vulgar  Girl? 

BEDDED  oxrr  PLANTS. — "  Dossers  "  in  St. 
James's  Park. 

[Query.  —  Is  "dossers"  derived  from 
"dozers"?  Ask  Slang  Dictionary.'] 


A  STORY  ABOUT  THAT    LLUSTRIOUS 
PHOTOGRAPH. 

( Translated  from,  the  German.  Origin  uncertain. ) 

HAVING  nothing  to  do — I  am  tired  of 
composing  national  songs  and  giving  di- 
rections to  people  to  paint  pictures  for 
me — I  may  as  well  turn  my  hand  to  nar- 
ration. Shall  some  day  attempt  a  ro- 
mance. Got  an  idea  already.  Young 
man  in  love  with  young  lady.  One  poor 
the  other  rich.  Girl  (wealthy)  has  a 
haughty  mother.  Mother  won't  let  girl 
marry  poor  young  man,  who  commits  sui- 
cide. Capital  notion.  Only  got  to  find 
some  novelist  fellow  just  to  write  the  thing 
for  me.  Ought  to  be  a  companion  to  my 
cartoon.  Sell  like  wildfire. 

But  I  want  to  jot  down  how  I  came  to 
send  that  photo.  Fact  is,  I  didn't  know 
T  had  it.  I  had  just  been  forwarding  a 
batch  of  telegrams  to  a  lot  of  interesting 
people  —  the  Khalifa,  chap  commanding 
hostile  Arabs  in  the  Soudan,  and  others — 
when  I  came  across  an  English  paper. 
Looked  through  it  and  found  it  abused 
me !  Never  saw  such  ingratitude !  Why, 
I  actually  speak  English,  and  if  I  have 
opposed  England  in  every  possible  shape 
for  the  last  few  years,  what  does  it  mat- 
ter ?  It 's  only  a  pleasant  little  way  I 
have.  My  fun !  I  am  an  immensely 
amusing  chap  when  I  please  to  be.  I 
never  laughed  so  much  in  my  life  as  when 
I  turned  off  poor  old  BIZZY.  He  was  so 
surprised !  I  had  flattered  the  poor  old 
chap  up  to  the  skies,  so,  when  I  turned 
round  and  told  him  to  go,  his  astonishment 
was  absolutely  killing!  I  could  scarcely 
keep  my  countenance  sufficiently  to  make 
him  a  duke,  or  something  of  that  sort.  Poor 
old  BIZZY  !  But  it  was  screamingly  funny ! 

Next  to  the  abuse  of  me  in  the  English 
caper  was  a  column  devoted  to  an  account 
of  the  STTLTAN'S  atrocities.  His  Imperial 
Majesty  is  a  wag  like  myself,  but  I  really 
think  he  does  sometimes  carry  a  joke  a 
little  too  far.  Comical  to  turn  bludgeons 
to  account  in  preserving  order,  but,  pro- 
tracted, the  custom  becomes  monotonous. 
Old  GLADSTONE'S  nickname  for  him  rather 
appropriate — "  the  Great  Assassin."  How- 
ever, I  waded  through  the  page,  and  then 
my  eye  was  attracted  by  an  unopened 
parcel.  I  unloosed  the  string,  and  there 
was  a  big  photograph  of  myself  in  the  uni- 
form of  a  British  admiral !  I  didn't  want 
the  beastly  thing!  So  a  happy  thought 
struck  me.  I  put  it  back  in  the  paper  and 
sent  it  to  the  STTLTAN  ! 


170 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  10,  1896. 


OCTOBER  10,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


171 


FLOREAT  HOVA! 

BRIGHTON,  as  well  as  France,  has,  it 
seems,  a  difficulty  with  its  Hovas,  if  the 
inhabitants  of  the  "  residential  and  quiet 
;own  "  of  Hove — whose  "  eccentric  motto  " 
(as  the  Daily  Chronicle  calls  it)  is  "  Flo- 
reat  Hova  " — may  be  so  called.  As  France 
desires  to  absorb  the  Hovas,  so  Brighton, 
it  seems,  wishes  to  "  amalgamate  "  Hove. 
Brighton  is  brisk  and  bustling ;  Hove,  like 
the  celebrated  young  lady  in  the  epitaph, 
is  "bland,  quiet,  and  deeply  religious." 
Also  it  possesses  "  several  important 
powers  and  privileges"  which  it  does  not 
wish  to  lose  by  being  "  merged  "  in  uppish, 
up-to-date  London-on-Sea. 

Brightness,  Briskness,  Business,  Bustle, 
Are  the  Busy  B's  of  Brighton  ; 

But  to  hear  the  green  leaves  rustle, 
See  green  lawns  eve's  gentle  light  on, 

Are  sweet  things  that  tired  ones  love 

In  that  peaceful  haven,  Hove  1 

Doctor  Brighton  is  a  tonic, 
Sedative,  perchance,  is  Hove. 

Let  them  live  in  bliss  harmonic, 
Neighbours  in  contiguous  love, 

Like  the  lion  and  the  lamb, 

But  without  a  hint  of  "cram." 

Love  means  not  "  amalgamation," 
Independent  friendship  's  better. 

Hove  her  own  administration 
Wants  to  keep.     Well,  why  not  let  her  ? 

Modern  wisdom  does  not  hallow 

The  old  policy  of  swallow. 

Hove  would  not  be  made  a  martyr 

To  the  ghoul  Centralisation ; 
So  she  fights  for  her  old  charter 

'Gainst  big  Brighton's  annexation. 
Let  them  live  in  neighbour  love, 
Brighton  Brighton,  Hove  still  Hove ! 

Big  things  will  be  consequential. 

Hove  declares  with  bold  temerity 
That  her  "  quiet,  residential 

Character  gives  her  prosperity." 
Punch  admits  he  oft  doth  love  a 
"  Quiet  spot,"  so — "  Floreat  Hova  !  " 


AN  EXTEA  NOTE. 

THE  Frascati  Restaurant  has  just  insti- 
tuted a  "  Musical  Luncheon,"  that  is,  when 
the  pie  is  open  the  band  begins  to  play. 
An  overture  for  the  commencement— Ou- 
verture  de  bouches.  Grand  march  for  an 
entree.  A  warlike  song,  "  Aux  Armes, 
Citoyens!"  for  the  piece  de  resistance. 
Something  sweet  to  follow,  with  a  Hanz 
des  VacJies  for  the  cheese.  Excellent  in 
its  way — if  you  are  alone.  But  if  you 
want  to  talk,  how  then?  Perhaps  there 
is  another  room  for  the  talkers  —  this 
would  be  a  salle  a  manger-et-a  parler  com- 
bined. As  "  music  is  the  food  of  love  " 
there  should  be  a  pleasant  reserved  corner 
called  "  The  Bird-cage,"  for  example, 
where  would  be  served,  quite  close  to  the 
orchestra,  "  The  Lovers'  Lunch."  We  re- 
commend this  to  the  Restaurateurs  gene- 
rally. Why  not  add  musical  attractions  to 
the  "  bars  "  ?  Say  from  "  two  to  four  in  a 
bar."  Bacchanalian  music  only.  The 
next  novelty  will  perhaps  be  an  advertise- 
ment headed  "  Conversational  Luncheons. 
Cuisine  Parfaite.  No  Music." 


AT  CONSTANTINOPLE.  —  Unanimous  opi 
nion  of  the  ambassadors  that  the  situation 
is  always  "  grave  " — for  the  Armenians. 


IFPDOFI 

CLEKGY. 


\~  \ 

A    SKETCH    NEAR    PICCADILLY. 


BRAYO,   BURNS! 

"THOUGHTS  that  breathe  and  words  that 
burn," 

Fell  from  BURNS  (of  Scotland)  often. 
BURNS  (of  Battersea)  has  his  turn ! 

JOHN,  like  ROBERT,  does  not  soften 
Saxon  speech  to  courtier  sleekness 

When  with  the  oppressor  dealing. 
Words  won't  take  on  maudlin  meekness 

When  heart 's  fired  with  honest  feeling. 
BURNS  of  Battersea,  bravo ! 

BURNS  of  Scotland  would  have  praised 

you. 
And  that  speech,  all  fire  and  go, 

Has  in  true  men's  judgment  raised  you. 
Straighter  talk  unto  the  Turk, 

Greater  pith  and  more  compactness, 
None  have  given.     The  mark  some  shirk 

JOHN  has  hit  with  much  exactness. 
Fustian  of  the  florid  kind, 

In  a  park  or  on  a  platform, 
Punch  disdains,  but  would  not  mind 

If  all  spouters  kept  to  that  form. 
Praise  to  him  who  praise  well  earns, 
So  Punch  cries,  "  Bravo,  JOHN  BURNS  I  " 


OLD  TIMES  REVIVED.  —  I  say,  Mr.  P., 
shan't  we  be  in  for  splendid  banquets  when 
the  new  Lord  Mayor  begins  his  entertain- 
ing! Alderman  GUZZLETON  and  Common 
Councillor  SWIGGLETON  will  be  "  on  " — very 
much  "on"— in  this  scene;  that  is,  if 
there 's  anything  in  such  a  name  as  " 
Mayor  Fuddle  Fill-lips!"  'Ooray! 

Yours, 
THE  OLD  PIPER  OF  PORTSOKEN. 


HIGHLY  PROBABLE.  —  The  Hamburger 
Nachrichten  last  week  quoted,  warningly, 
a  speech  of  Mr.  ALFRED  BEIT'S,  in  which 
he  seemed  to  point  to  another  "JAMESON 
raid."  The  Hamburger  and  others  need 
have  no  fear ;  this  utterance,  if  it  ever 
were  uttered,  quod  est  disputandum, 
sounds  more  like  a  bark  than  a  Beit. 


WHAT  the  director  of  the  National  Por- 
trait Gallery  said  when  he  closed  the  Sun- 
day show  for  present  season  :  — "  If  I  open 
this  again  this  year,  I'm  blest  —  no,  I 
mean  I'm  Cust." 


172 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  10,  1896. 


JOTTINGS    AND    TITTLINGS. 

(By  BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO  JABBERJBB,  B.A.) 

No.  XXIV. 

Mr.  Jabberjee  relates  his  experiences  upon  the  Moors. 
I  AM  now  an  acclimatized  denizen  of  Caledonia  stern  and  wild  ; 
which,  however,  turns  out  to  be  milder  and  tamer  than  depicted 
by  the  jaundiced  hand  of  national  jealousy. 

For,  since  my  arrival  at  this  hamlet  of  Kilpaitrick,  N.B.,  I 
have  not  once  beheld  any  species  of  savage  hill-man  ;  moreover, 
the  adult  inhabitants  are  clothed  with  irreproachable  decency, 


"  Of  incredible  bashfulness  and  bucolical  appearance." 

and,  if  the  juveniles  run  about  with  denuded  feet  and  heads, 
where  is  the  shocking  scandal  ? 

Mr.  ALLBUTT-INNETT,  sen.,  did  me  the  honour  to  appear  in 
person  upon  the  Kilpaitrick  platform,  and  welcome  me  with  out- 
spread arms  to  his  temporary  hearth  and  home,  but  I  shall  have 
the  candour  of  confessing  my  disappointment  with  the  size  and 
appearance  of  the  same.  It  appears  that  a  "  Manse  "  is  not  at  all 
a  palatial  edifice,  furnished  with  a  plethora  of  marble  halls  and 
vassals  and  serfs,  &c.,  but  simply  the  very  so-so  and  two-storied 
abode  of  some  local  priest ! 

My  gracious  hostess  was  to  tender  profuse  apologies  for  its 
homeliness,  on  the  plea  that  it  is  refreshing  at  times  to  lay  aside 
ceremonial  magnificence  and  unbend  in  rural  simplicity,  though 
it  is  not  humanly  possible  to  unbend  oneself  upon  the  thorny 
bosoms  of  chairs  and  couches  severely  upholstered  with  the 
prickling  hairs  of  an  extinct  horse. 

Still,  as  I  assured  Miss  WEE-WEE,  she  is  the  happy  owner  of  a 
magical  knack  to  transform,  by  her  sheer  apparition,  the  hum- 
blest hovel  into  the  first-class  family  residence  with  every  modern 
improvement. 


With  the  said  Miss  I  continue  on  terms  of  hand  and  glove- 
ship,  with  mutual  harmless  jokes,  which  would  perhaps  be  as 
caviare  on  toast  to  a  general,  though  I  shall  venture  to  recount 
some  examples. 

A  certain  local  young  laird,  of  incredible  bashfulness  and  buco- 
lical appearance,  is  a  frequent  visitor  at  the  manse,  and  the 
fervent  admirer  of  Miss  WEE-WEE,  who  cannot  endure  the  tedium 
of  his  society,  and  is  constantly  endeavouring  to  escape  there- 
from. 

Now  his  name  is  Mr.  CRUM,  and  I  have  frequently  entertained 
her  in  private  by  play  upon  the  word,  alluding  to  him  as  "  Mister 
CRUST/'  "  Mister  OATCAKE  "  or  "  the  Scotch  Bun."  and  the  like ; 
but  he  informed  me  that  he  preferred  to  be  addressed  as  "  Bal- 
bannock,"  and  upon  my  inquiring  his  reasons  for  selecting  such 
an  alias,  he  answered  that  it  was  because  he  inhabited  a  house  of 
that  name. 

Whereupon  I  facetiously  requested  that  he  would  address  my- 
self in  future  as  "Mister  Seventy-nine,  Hereford  Road,  Bays- 
water,"  which  stroke  of  wit  occasioned  inextinguishable  merri- 
ment from  Miss  WEE-WEE,  though  it  did  not  excite  from  the 
aforesaid  laird  so  much  as  the  smallest  simper  1 

From  an  ingrained  love  of  teasing,  and  also  the  natural  desire 
to  stimulate  her  appreciation  of  my  superior  fertility  in  small 
talk  and  Vart  de  plaire,  I  do  often  slyly  contrive  to  inflict  his 
sole  society  upon  ner — to  the  huge  entertainment  of  her  father 
and  mother,  who  carry  on  the  joke  by  assisting  my  manoeuver- 
ings ;  but,  although  it  affords  me  a  flattering  gratification  to  be 
plaintively  upbraided  by  Miss  WEE-WEE  for  my  cruel  desertion, 
I  am  resolved  not  to  persist  in  such  heartless  pranks  beyond  her 
natural  endurance. 

Shortly  after  my  arrival,  I  heard  from  my  host  that  he  was  the 
recipient  of  an  invitation  from  a  Mister  BAGSHOT,  Q.C.,  that  he 
and  his  son  HOWARD  would  accompany  him  to  a  shooting  ex- 
pedition upon  some  adjacent  moors,  and  that,  being  now  im- 
moderately plump,  and  past  his  prime  as  a  potshot,  he  had  re- 
quested leave  to  nominate  myself  as  his  Inulli  or  substitute, 
explaining  that  I  was  'a  young  Indian  prince  of  great  prowess  at 
every  kind  of  big  games. 

Accordingly,  to  my  great  delight,  it  was  arranged  that  I  should 
take  his  place. 

My  young  friend  HOWARD,  beholding  me  appear  at  the  break- 
fast-table arrayed  in  my  short  kilt  and  superincumbent  belly- 
purse  with  tassels,  did  entreat  me  to  change  myself  into  ordinary 
knickerbockers,  lest  I  should  catch  death  with  a  cold. 

But  I  declined,  disdaining  such  dangers,  and  assuring  him  that 
I  did  not  at  all  dislike  the  excessive  ventilation  of  my  knees. 

We  drove  to  Mr.  BAOSHOT'S  residence,  Rowans  Castle,  in  a 
hired  machine,  and  found  the  gentlemen-shooters  gathered  out- 
side the  portico.  Amongst  the  party  I  was  pleased  to  observe 
Hon'ble  Justice  CUMMERBUND,  who,  when  we  were  all  ascended 
into  the  waggonette-break,  did  rally  me  very  good-humouredly 
upon  some  mixed  bag  of  elephants  and  tigers  he  had  heard  (or 
so  he  said)  I  had  accomplished  in  some  up-country  jungle. 

At  first,  knowing  that  this  was  the  utter  impossibility,  I  per- 
spired with  terror  that  he  was  making  me  the  fool,  but  apparently 
he  was  himself  under  a  misunderstanding,  for  when  we  had  left 
the  vehicle  and  were  preparing  to  advance,  he  paid  me  the  dis- 
tinguished compliment  of  entreating  that  I  might  be  awarded 
the  command  of  one  extremity  of  the  line,  while  he  himself  was 
to  preside  over  the  opposite  end ! 

And  thus  we  commenced  to  climb  a  steep  hill,  thickly  covered 
with  a  very  pricklesome  heather,  and  black  slimy  bogs,  wherein 
the  varnish  of  my  patent-leather  shoes  did  soon  become  totally 
dimmed.  So,  being  gravely  incommoded  by  the  shortness  of  my 
wind,  I  entrusted  my  musket  to  an  under-keeper,  begging  him  to 
inform  me  of  the  early  approach  of  any  stag  or  deer. 

However,  we  saw  nothing  to  shoot  at  except  various  sorts  of 
wild  poultry,  and  when  some  of  these  flew  up  immediately  in 
front  of  me,  I  was  too  late,  owing  to  the  carriage  of  my  gun 
by  an  underling,  to  do  more  than  fire  off  a  couple  of  barrels  as 
a  declaration  of  hostility. 

But  profiting  by  this  lesson  in  being  semper  paratus,  I  refused 
to  part  again  with  my  deadly  instrument,  and  stumbled  manfully 
onwards  with  finger  upon  the  triggers,  letting  them  fly  instan- 
taneously at  the  first  appearance  of  any  animals  ferce  naturce. 

It  is  not  customary,  I  was  assured,  to  slay  the  wild  sheep  in 
these  districts,  though  horned,  and  of  an  excessively  ferocious 
appearance,  and  even  when  firing  my  bullets  at  birds,  I  was 
subjected  to  continual  reproofs  from  some  officious  keeper  or 
other. 

For  example,  I  was  not  to  shoot  into  a  flock  of  partridges,  for 
the  superstitious  reason,  forsooth !  that  it  was  still  the  month  of 
August,  which  is  supposed  to  be  unlucky  1 


OCTOBER  10,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


173 


Again,  I  was  rebuked  for  burning  powder  at  a  grey  hen,  be- 
cause it  is  the  wife  of  a  black-cock,  which  may  be  shofc  with  im- 
punity. Although  a  highly  chivalrous  chap  in  questions  of  the 
fairer  sex,  I  am  yet  to  see  why  it  is  allowable  to  render  the  female 
bird  a  bereaved  widow,  but  totally  forbidden  to  make  the  male 
a  widower  I  Or  why  it  is  permissible  to  slay  a  minute  bird  such 
as  a  snipe,  while  a  titlark  is  on  no  account  to  be  touched. 

Being  eventually  exasperated  by  these  unreasonable  faultfind- 
ings, seeing  that  I  had  merely  emptied  my  gun-barrels  without 
actually  destroying  any  of  these  sacred  volatiles,  I  addressed  the 
keeper  in  the  withering  tones  of  a  sarcasm  :  "  Mister  Keeper,"  I 
said,  "  as  I  am  not  the  ornithologist  or  soothsayer  to  distinguish 
infallibly  every  species  of  bird  by  instinct,  when  flying  with  in- 
credible velocity,  would  it  not  be  better  that  I  should  discharge 
no  shots  in  future  ?  " 

To  which,  abashed  by  my  severity,  he  replied  that  he  could  not 
just  say  that  it  would  make  any  considerable  difference  whether 
I  fired  at  all  or  none. 

My  fellow-shooters,  however,  could  not  refrain  from  shouting 
with  irrepressible  admiration  at  the  intrepidity  with  which,  fore- 
stalling the  fleetest  dogs,  I  did  rush  forward  to  pick  up  the 
fallen  grouse-birds,  and  repeatedly  exhorted  me  to  take  greater 
care  for  my  own  safety. 

I  cannot  say  that  they  exhibited  equivalent  courageousness, 
seeing  that,  so  often  as  I  raised  my  gun  to  fire,  they  flung  them- 
selves upon  their  stomachs  in  the  heather  until  I  had 
finished,  upon  which  I  rallied  them  mercilessly  upon  their 
timidity,  assuring  them  repeatedly  that  they  had  nothing  to  fear. 

Yet  English  and  Scotch  alike  accuse  us  Bengalees  of  being 
subject  to  excessive  funkinesa.  What  about  the  Pot  and  the 
Kettle,  Misters? 

I  am  to  reserve  the  conclusion  of  my  shooting  experiences  until 
a  future  occasion. 

PROVINCIAL  SKETCHES. 

No.  IV.— OUR  GUIDE. 

HARD  by  the  secret  postern  in  the  grey  old  Castle  wall 

In  the  pleasant  summer  sunshine  stands  the  hoary  seneschal. 

A  much  read  man  is  SANDY  BBOWN,  of  strange  historic  lore, 

And  in  his  cups  he  '11  spin  you  yarns  you  never  heard  before, 

For  then  his  tongue  is  loosened,  then  are  Time  and  Space  as  nil, 

And  Imagination  riots  through  the  ages  at  her  will. 

"  Quid  mornin',  gentlemen,"  says  he,  "  'tis  gey  an'  fine  the  day. 

Ye  're  for  seein'  roun'  the  Castle,  Sirs  ?     Then  please  tae  step 

this  way. 

Aye,  yon 's  the  Keep.     'Tis  Norman — early  Norman,  as  ye  see, 
An'  built  by  WULLIE  CONQUEROR  in  fourteen  saxty  three. 
'Twas  ta'en  frae  him  by  CROMWELL — yon 's  the  marks  mad'  by 

his  shell — 

An'  gi'en  tae  MARY  Queen  o'  Scots — ye  '11  mind  o'  that  yersel  ? 
Noo,  MARY  she  was  awfu'  for  the  Martyrs — cudna  sleep 
Unless  she  had  a  pickle  o'  them  lockit  in  the  Keep, 
An'  when  there  was  nae  huntin'  an'  the  times  a  wee  thing  slack 
She  'd  hae  them  for  an  hour  or  twa  an'  put  them  on  the  rack. 
Weel,  ane  o'  these  was  KNOX — JOHN  KNOX — ye  'd  ken  the  laddie 

fine? 

Eh,  mebbe  no,  he 's  deid,  ye  see,  a  guid  few  years  sin'  syne : 
A  meeinster,  wi'  glpwerin'  ee,  an'  lang  beard  turnin'  gray, 
An'  eh,  a  vara  deevil  at  the  preachin',  sae  they  say. 
Noo,  MARY  cudna  thole  the  man ;   she  wished  tae  hae  her  fling 
Withoot  the  fash  o'  sermons,  Sir,  or  ony  sic-like  thing, 
An'  she  wearied  o'  his  preachin'  an  his  talk  o'  flames  an'  hell, 
An'  his  everlastin'  prayin',  as  ye  micht  hae  done  yersel' ! 
But  JOHN  had  inony  zealous  frien's,  an'  when  they  learnt  his 

fate, 

They  cam'  awa'  tae  MARY,  a'  the  greatest  in  the  state, 
An'  they  begged  she  'd  let  the  parson  gang,  wi'  tears  an'  sighs, 

nae  doot, 

But '  Na,'  was  a'  she  answered,  'he  '11  be  lang  ere  he  win  oot.' 
'Aweel,'  said  they,  'my  Lady,  gin  ye  wmna  set  him  free, 
We  '11  awa'  tae  Queen  ELIZABETH  an'  then,  begad,  we  '11  see.' 
Sae  aff  they  rade,  an'  MARY  had  JOHN  KNOX  upon  the  rack, 
An'  she   stretched   him   ivry   mornin'  till  the    gentlemen   cam' 

back. 

The  QUEEN  she  gi'ed  them  audience  doun  yonder  in  the  Ha', 
An'  they  handed  her  a  warrant  wi'  the  Royal  Arms  an'  a', 
An'  she  looked  at  it  an'  read  it,  an'  '  It 's  quite  correc','  ses  she. 
'  Ho,  bring  in  Mister  KNOX,'  she  ses,  '  we  'U  hae  tae  set  him  free.' 
Sae  Mister  KNOX  was  ushered  in,  but  eh,  Sirs  1  what  a  change  1 
His  mither  wudna  kent  him,  they  had  altered  him  that  strange ! 


THE    POET-LAUREATE    ON    TURKEY. 

["  You  are  not  alone  in  the  opinion  you  appear  to  entertain  that  it  is  in- 
cumbent on  me,  by  virtue  of  the  office  I  have  the  honour  to  fill,  not  to  remain 
altogether  silent  when  the  entire  nation  is  palpitating  with  wrath  at  the 
atrocious  massacres  that  have  occurred  in  Armenia,  "&c.,  &c. — Mr.  Alfred 
Austin's  letter  to  a  correspondent,  quoted  by  the  Westminster  Gazette.] 


He  was  short  an'  fat  an'  dumpy-like  when  last  he  had  been  seen, 
But  noo,  wi'  a'  the  stretchin',  he  was  lang  an'  lank  an'  lean. 
His  vara  beard  seemed  grown  too  short, — scarce  covered  half  his 

cheeks, 

An'  his  trews  were  mair  like  bathin'  drawers  than  honest  par- 
son's breeks. 
Then  ses  the  Queen,  'Ye '11  think,'  she  ses,  'ye've  beaten  me, 

nae  doot, 

When  ye  mind  o'  hoo  I  swore  that  he  'd  be  lang  ere  he  won  oot, 
But  eh  I '  she  added,  an'  a  smile  cam'  crinklin'  up  her  mou', 
'  I  've  kept  my  word,  for  'faith,   my  Lords — he 's  lang  eneuch 

the  noo 1 ' 
True? — Aye,    Sir!     True    as    Gospel  1     Yon's  the    dungeon   an' 

the  rack, 

What  mair  cud  ye  be  wishin'  for  tae  prove  that  it 's  a  fac'  ? — 
The  offeedal  charge  is  saxpence,  but  it's  thirsty  work,  ye  ken, 
An'  gin  ye Thank  ye,  kindly,  Sir  1     Guid  mornin',  gentle- 
men 1 " 


SUGGESTION  TO  THB  CAMBRIDGE  A.  D.  C.  AMATEUR  DRAMATIC 
CLUB. — "An  Outsider"  writes  to  us: — "How  is  it  that  there 
should  have  so  long  existed  in  the  town  of  Cambridge, 
and  belonging  to  the  University,  the  unique  play  of  an  author 
whose  work,  whether  he  be  yet  in  this  world  or  out  of  it,  has 
never  yet  been  tried  on  your  stage,  i.e.,  ' PARKER'S  piece'?  A 
friend  of  mine,  a  Cantab,  tells  me  has  often  '  seen  some  play  on 
it,'  but,  as  far  as  I  can  gather,  without  any  acknowledgement 
having  been  made  as  to  the  original  source." 


OUR  ONLY  ONB. — Our  Poet-Laureate,  ALFREDO,  is  rarely  so 
good  as  when  he  is  writing  prose.  See  his  letter  in  Morning 
Post  last  week.  Then,  like  "Little  DAVY  GARRIOK,"  when 
inspired,  he  is  "  quite  six  foot  high." 


174 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  10,  1896. 


BAD    HABITS    GROW    APACE. 

Traveller  (whose  train  is  due).  "  LOOK  HERE,  I  'M  GOING  TO  GET  OUT  AND  WALK.     THAT  BRUTE  WILL  MAKE  ME  JAISS  MY  TRAIN  ! " 
Jarvey.  "KAPE  STILL,  SURR.     FOR  THE  LOVE  AV'  MOSES,  KAPE  STILL.     SURE  AN'  IP  THE  OULD  BLAYGUARD  BATES  us,  I  'LL  NIVER 

GET   HIM    UP   TO   THE   STATION    NO   MORE  !  " 


ODE  TO  AN  UN-FAIR  ONE. 

(By  a  Depressed  Farmer,  after  George  Wither.) 

SHALL  I,  wasting  in  despair, 
Die,  because  Trade  is  not  Fair? 
Or — what  cheek ! — for  nations  care 
Whose  trade  tariffs  stiffening  are  ? 
Be  Trade  free  as  light  or  day, 
What  odds,  if  it  does  not  pay  ? 
If  it  be  not  Fair  to  me, 
What  care  I  how  Free  she  be  ? 

Shall  I  for  Free  Trade  "  go  it  blind," 
Just  to  please  the  COBDEN  kind  ? 
Or  because  that  COURTNEY  creature 
Swears  it  is  our  fixed  feature  ? 
For,  despite  the  Cobden  Club, 
I  'm  depressed — ah  1  there 's  the  rub  ! 
If  Trade  be  not  kind  to  me, 
What  care  I  how  Free  she  be  ? 

Shall  the  foreigner's  cunning  move 

Me  to  perish  for  their  love  ? 

Or  their  prosperity,  well  known, 

Make  me  quite  forget  my  own  ? 

With  Free  Trade's  Half  Century  blest(  ?) 

I  still  love  Protection  best. 

If  it  be  not  so  to  me, 

What  care  I  how  good  Trade  be  ? 

While  all  tariffs  range  so  high, 

Shall  I  play  the  fool,  and  die  ? 

Whilst  Free  Trade  I  worship  blind, 

Other  countries  riches  find. 

I  would  do  as  they  all  do, 

Then  my  trade  perchance  they  'd  woo  : 
And  unless  hard  cash  I  see, 
What  care  I  how  "  great "  I  be  ? 

Great,  or  Good,  or  Free,  or  Fair, 

I  'm  hard  up,  and  I  despair  1 


In  Free  Trade  I  don't  believe, 

Did  it  die  I  should  not  grieve. 

Faugh  !  Free  Trade  no  more  I  'd  woo  ; 

Chuck  her  up,  and  let  her  go  ! 
For  if  she  be  not  Fair  to  me, 
What  care  I  for  whom  she  be  P 


LEADER  AND   FOLLOWER. 

(An  Old  Catch  brought  up  to  (Political)  Date.) 

I. 

Liberal  "Leader"  (languidly).  Come,  fol- 
low, follow,  follow,  follow,  follow, 
follow  Me ! 

Liberal  (would-be)  Follower  (doubtfully). 
Whither  shall  I  follow,  follow,  follow, 
Whither  shall  I  follow,  follow  thee  ? 

Liberal  "  Leader  "  (cautiously) .  Find  the 
road  that's  safe  and  easy,  muster 
up,  and  then — I  'II  see ! 


Liberal  Follower  (sharply).   Come,  follow, 

follow,  follow,  follow,  follow,  follow 

me! 
Liberal    "  Leader  "    (anxiously) .     Whither 

shall  I  follow,  follow,  follow, 

Whither  shall  I  follow,  follow,  thee? 

Liberal  Follower  (sardonically).  Till  I  find 

some  real  leader,  who  can  lead,  and 

then — you  '11  see ! 

[Exit  in  search  of  one. 


FROM  OUR  OWN  IRREPRESSIBLE  JOKER 
(once  more  at  large). — The  most  shameless 
conduct  in  the  world.  That  of  a  future 
coalowner,  who  is  ploughed  at  Oxford  in 
"greats." 


Class  or  No  Class. 

MASSES  against  the  Classes  set  ? 

That  is  acknowledged  work  for  asses ! 
Technical  teachers  have,  you  bet, 
Hit  on  the  wisest  motto  yet, 

In  "Classes  for  the  Masses." 

SOMETHING  IN  A  NAME  AFTER  ALL. — Ac- 
cording to  the  Daily  Chronicle,  Signer 
LUIGI  ARDITI  mentions,  in  his  recently 
published  Reminiscences,  that  he  was  in  the 
habit  of  flourishing  his  conductor's  baton 
with  such  vigour  that  he  once  raised  a 
bump  on  the  head  of  a  violinist  at  New 
York,  and  another  on  the  head  of  Signer 
MARIO  at  a  Crystal  Palace  concert.  "  What 
else  can  you  expect  with  a  name  like  his  ?  " 
commented  Mr.  P.'s  tame  'ARRY. 
'"Ard-'it-'e!" 


Professionals  of  the  Floor  and  Field. 

EXACTLY  the  same,  though  not  so  in  name, 
Are  dancing  and  football  "  pros." 

For  both  money  make  and  salaries  take 
For  supporting  the  ball  with  their  toes. 


MEM.  BY  A  THAMES  TRAVELLER. — When 
at  Old  Windsor,  always  look  out  for  the 
"  Belles  of  Ouseley." 


THE    DAILY    BEVERAGE   OF    THE    GREAT 
POWERS. — Porte  whine. 


PROPER    FOOD    FOR    THE    WITCHES    IN 
MACBETH  .  — Haggis . 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI.— OCTOBKR  10    1896. 


FRANCE   TO    THE   FORE! 

BRITANNIA  (to  FRANCE).  "  WELL  DONE,   SISTER,  I  AM  WITH  YOU  HEART  AND  SOUL  !  " 

["  The  conference  of  M.  CAMBON,  the  French  Ambassador,  with  the  SULTAN  is  asserted  to  have  been  of  the  highest  importance." — Pall  Mall  Gazette.] 


OCTOBER  10,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


177 


BRIGHTON. 

A  Monsieur  Punch. 

DEAR  MISTER, — I  have  said  you  how  1 
am  of  return — de  retour — to  the  hotel  that 
afternoon  of  the  Sunday  in  that  droll  of 
"  fly,"  by  a  veritable  tempest.  Eh  well, 
I  rest — je  reste — at  the  hotel,  I  dine, 
smoke  a  cigar,  and  then  I  go  to  see  if  he 
falls  still  of  the  rain.  Parbleu — by  blue, 
he  makes  beautiful  I  I  seek  my  by-above 
— pardessus,  how  say  you? — and  my  hat. 
At  present  I  have  but  one  sole,  and  it 
wants  not  to  risk  him  by  this  wind.  Hap- 
pily, I  remember  myself  that  I  bought  at 
Edimbourg  a  Scottish  bonnet,  un  bonnet 


"  A  pretty  little  burgess  Miss." 

ecossais,  a  droll  of  bonnet  with  two  long 
ribbons  behind,  almost  as  those  on  the 
hat  of  a  woman.  In  effect  these  ribbons 
are  also  well  useful  for  to  be  tied  under  the 
chin,  but  they  should  to  be  a  little  more 
long.  However,  I  succeed  to  tie  them, 
and,  wearing  my  bonnet,  I  go  to  make  a 
fittle  walk  at  the  clear  of  the  moon.  He 
makes  less  of  wind.  And  truly  as  I  smoke 
a  cigar,  strolling  all  gently  on  the  prome- 
nade, so  well  lightened,  edairee,  it  seems 
to  me  that  Brighton  is  not  after  all  so 
beast — si  bete.  It  goes  without  to  say 
that  the  Sunday  one  cannot  to  amuse 
Mmself.  As  partout  in  England,  all  is 
shut,  excepted  the  bar,  the  tavern,  the 
publicouse,  and  the  ginpalais.  But  it  is 
something  that  to  walk  himself  at  the 
border  of  the  sea,  to  smoke  a  cigar,  to 
encounter  his  friends,  even,  for  a  stranger 
as  me,  to  regard  the  pretty  little  bur- 
gesses misses,  demoiselles  bourgeoises,  per- 
naps  employeds  of  the  magazines  of  con- 
fections, magasins  de  confections  pour 
dames,  or  other  little  misses  of  counter, 
demoiselles  de  comptoir — how  say  you  all 
that?  Truly  it  is  not  so  beast,  above  all 
when  he  makes  beautiful. 

At  the  instant  that  I  think  that,  a  drop 
of  rain  falls  on  my  nose,  I  regard  effare  the 
sky  of  new  all  cloudy  and  sombre,  a  pas 
de  course  je  file — at  step  of  course  I  file 
upon  the  hotel,  and  I  gain  the  entry  at 
the  moment  where  the  tempest  rebegins. 
By  blue,  what  climate  1 

Monday  in  awaking  myself  I  think, 
"  Eh  well,  AUGUSTS,  my  dear,  to-day  in  fine 


he  goes  to  make  beautiful.  It  is  impos- 
sible that  he  falls  all  days  of  the  rain  ai 
the  English  Nice."  Pas  du  tout,  not  of 
the  whole  1  For  the  rain  falls  as  if  he 
came  of  to  begin.  Oh,  what  villain  time 

All  desolated  I  descend  for  to  take  my 
cup  of  coffee  to  the  milk — cafe  au  lait 
how  say  you?  I  cannot  to  eat  your  eng- 
lish  "  breakfast " — the  kipered  haddocks 
the  poached  hams,  the  eggs,  the  sausages 
the  biftecks,  the  cutlets,  and  all  that, 
with  some  "mufins  " — ah  fa,  quelle  horreur . 
— and  some  jams.  Ah,  no  1  And  see 
there  as  I  eat  one  little  bread,  un  peti\ 
pain,  a  ray  of  sunshine  1  And  when  I  go 
out,  the  paving,  the  road,  all  is  dry,  the 
sun  shines  and  the  sky  is  blue.  It  is  not 
precisely  the  blue  of  Nice,  but  in  fine  the 
blow  of  the  eye  is  not  entirely  grey.  AU 
joyously  I  walk  myself  on  the  promenade, 
and  I  regard  the  bicyclist  ladies,  who 
mount  so  well.  What  pleasure  to  see 
them!  They  are  so  beautiful,  so  gay,  so 
gracious,  so  sveltes — how  say  you?  As  ] 
regard  them  I  am  almost  overthrown  by 
a  chaise  roulante,  what  you  call  a  "chair 
of  Bath."  And  then  I  remark  many  of 
these  chairs  of  Bath,  enormous,  gigantic, 
as  heavy  as — tiens  ! — as  your  bun  of  Bath ! 
Ah,  by  this  beautiful  morning,  even  a 
little  ealembour  is  permitted,  n'est-ce  pas  ? 

Then  I  arrive  to  the  Aquarium,  but  I 
enter  not,  for  it  is  absolutely  a  subterra- 
nean, un  souterrain,  and  he  has  the  air  of 
a  mausoleum,  of  a  humid  tomb.  Instead 
of  that  I  regard  the  old  jetty,  the  "  Shain- 
pir."  AU  to  near,  tout  aupres,  there  is 
another  jetty,  all  ruined,  all  rusty,  all  in- 
complete. One  says  in  your  country, 
"  Half  done  is  well  begun,"  but  this  jetty 
is  not  well  begun,  and  she  has  the  air  of 
never  to  be  finished.  Why  leave  her 
there,  an  object  so  miserable?  I  have 
never  seen  anything  of  more  frightful. 

At  Brighton  they  love  the  iron,  for  to- 
wards the  east  extends  herself  an  arcade  of 
the  most  drolls ;  an  interminable  range  of 
arches  in  cast  iron,  painted  in  sombre  col- 
ours. So  ugly,  my  faith,  so  ugly]  A 
friend  has  told  me  that  there  was  here 
formerly  a  pretty  little  promenade, 
adorned  with  shrubs  and  with  ivy,  some- 
thing of  green  at  Brighton  where  there  is 
almost  not  of  trees,  and  that  all  that  was 
destroyed  to  construct  this  hideous  arcade, 
which  has  cost  more  than  one  half  million 
of  francs,  perhaps  in  fine  one  million! 
And  nobody  goes  there,  excepted  some 
childs  and  their  goods — bonnes,  how  say 
you  ?  It  is  as  a  travesty  of  one  cloister  of 
a  Campo  Santo.  Figure  to  yourself,  Mis- 
ter Punch,  one  side  of  the  Campo  Santo 
of  Pisa  in  cast  iron  I  Ah,  the  good  idea ! 
I  make  present  of  her  to  Misters  the  Mu- 
nicipal Councillors  of  Brighton.  Their 
beautiful  arcade  would  be  more  superb 
with  some  monuments — also  in  cast  iron — 
of  the  great  personages  of  their  artistic 
town.  There  is  enough  of  iron  in  the 
ruined  jetty  for  to  fabricate  an  infinity  of 
busts  and  of  statues  for  the  Campo  Santo 
of  Brighton.  Agree,  &c., 

AUGUSTE. 


On  the  Crystal  Palace  Cycling  Track. 

Miss  Random  (who  has  fallen  off  her 
machine  ten  times  in  five  minutes,  to  in- 
structor). Do  you  think  I  shall  ever  get 
on? 

Instructor.  I  doubt  it,  Miss,  you  seem  to 
me  to  be  a  born  "  Ne'er-do-wheel." 


1  ONE  WHO  is  DOWN." — The  eider  duck. 


STRIKE  ME  PINK  ! 
OR,  THB  CRUSTACEAN'S  CRAVING. 

A  LOBSTER  swam  in  the  Western  Sea, 
Weary  and  heavy  of  heart  was  he 

As    he     ploughed     through     the     Gull 

Stream's  wrack ; 

For  all  around  him  was  fair  to  see 
In  the  ocean,  green  as  the  vernal  pea — 

But  the  lobster's  shell  was  black. 

He  sighed  at  the  sea-weed's  radiant  hue, 
And  the  mussel-shell's  cerulean  blue, 

And  the  mackerel's  mottled  back'; 
He  wept  when  he  saw  the  whiting  pure, 
And  fled  away  into  nooks  obscure, 

For  the  lobster's  shell  was  black. 

He   gazed   at   the    tints   of   the  graceful 

prawn, 
And  the  roseate  hues  of  early  dawn, 

And  he  bitterly  cried  "Alack! 
The  sea-gull  is  white  as  the  driven  snow, 
And  the  star-fish  shines  with  a  fiery  glow, 
Oh,  why  is  my  shell  so  black ! " 
*  •  *  • 

They  fished  him  out  of  the  lobster-pot, 
And  plunged  him  in  water — boiling  hot, 

Until  they  pronounced  him  dead ; 
Then  turned  his  carcase  on  to  a  dish, 
But  oh,  how  changed  was  the  weary  fish, 

For  the  lobster's  shell  was  red! 

Yes,  that  which  in  life  he  had  sought  so 

sore 
Was  granted  him  now  that  life  was  o'er, 

And  the  worn-out  spirit  had  fled ; 
For  Death  in  pity  had  heard  his  cry, 
And  changed  his  hue  to  a  brighter  dye, 

And  the  lobster's  shell  was  red. 

No  more  the  electric  eel  would  shock 
His  sensitive  nerves,  nor  the  turtle's  mock 

Would  cause  him  to  hide  his  head ; 
No  more  would  he  sigh  at  the  sea-gull's 

flights, 
Nor  feel  abashed  at  the  Northern  Lights, 

For  the  lobster's  shell  was  red. 

The  storm-tossed  body  they  gently  lay 
In  a  lonely  aspic  far  away, 

Far  from  his  Western  bays ; 
They  softly  smooth  out  his  wrinkled  legs 
And  cover  him    o'er   with  the  white   of 
eggs, 

And  the  peaceful  mayonnaise. 

There  blossoms  the  fragrant  cucumber, 
There  the  vinegar  flows,  and  there 
The  lettuce  her  leaves  doth  shed ; 


And  there  by  all  may  be  clearly  seen, 
Through  the  transparent  gelatine, 
That  the  lobster's  shell  is  red! 


A  New  Story  anent  Stonehenge. 

American  Professor.  I  reckon  that  these 
monoliths     are     the     fossilized     oaks    off 
which  the  Druids  were   once  accustomed 
o  snip  the  mistletoe  at  Christmas-time. 
[Theory  immediately  wired  off  all  over 
the    world    by    the    Razzle-Dazzle 
News  Agency. 


178 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  10, 


OCTOBER  10,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


179 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

An  Anchorite,  from  his  Cell  near  the  Embank- 
ment, greets  the  first  Fog  of  the  Season. 

THE  first  thick  fog  has  wrapped  the  town 

Within  its  ample  fold, 
And  painted  all  a  dirty  brown 

That  was  a  dainty  gold. 
The  sparrows  recognise  the  spell, 

And  quite  forget  to  fight 
For  crumbs  upon  my  window  sill — 

They  think  that  day  is  night. 

My  dog,  an  ever  ardent  beast, 

Well-known  to  all  as  Spot, 
Turns  tail  upon  the  outlook  east, 

Whence  sunlight  cometh  not. 
Ho  views  his  muzzle  with  disdain, 

And,  on  the  rug  tight  curled, 
No  doubt  he  deems  a  man  insane 

Who  'd  seek  the  outer  world. 

Tbi<5  tawny  atmospheric  blend 

Of  smoke  and  mist  and  wet, 
Ts  like  an  unexpected  friend — 

'Tis  not  November  yet! 
And  yet  how  well  its  grasp  I  know, 

Its  pungent,  icy  grip, 
Th0*  will  not  let  one's  nostrils  go 

Without  a  deadly  nip. 

The  paper  boy  is  choked  with  damp, 

His  shouts  are  few  and  weak : 
The  milkman  shows  a  warning  lamp, 

Whil»  muffled  i<?  his  shriek  ; 
The  cabbies  travel  on  the  wood 

Like  Charon  o'er  the  Styx  ; 
Th°  'bus-cads  are  in  plaintive  mood, 

The  vans  forget  to  mix. 

To  niorce  the  vapour  I  try  hard, 

Full  manv  a  time  and  oft. 
Tall  ehosts  look  down  on  Palace  Yard 

Tom-Bowline'-like  aloft. 
Tb^t  shadow  blurred  and  indistinct 

Perhaps  may  be  St.  Paul's, 
And  something  on  tbe  landscape  inked 

Maybe  are  Cecil's  halls. 

WV-r»t  desolation  !     What  neglect 

Of  London's  claim  to  air! 
Have  County  Councils  no  respect? 

Have  vestries  no  despair? 
Have  T — but  stay,  a  sound  I  hear, 

A  peal  of  tiny  bells. 
Hurrah  !  the  muffin  man  is  near ! 

The  fog  may  go  to  Wells! 


THE  JUMP  CURE. 

AN   OLLENDORF   EXERCISE. 

F"  The  corpulence  of  the  middle-aged  ean  be 
reduced  by  throwing  a  somersault." — Daily  Paper.'} 

THE  elderly  gentleman  weighing  eighteen 
stone  has  entered  the  trapeze-furnished 
^vmnasium  of  the  determined  professor. 
The  elderly  gentleman  weighing  eighteen 
stone  has  been  induced  to  hang  by  one 
leg  to  a  rope  by  the  determined  professor. 
The  head  of  the  elderly  gentleman  weigh- 
ing eighteen  stone  is  softer  than  the  stone 
floor  of  the  trapeze-furnished  gymnasium. 
The  elderly  gentleman  weighing  eighteen 
stone  having  received  an  electric  shock 
supplied  by  the  determined  professor,  has 
recovered  consciousness.  The  elderly  gen- 
tleman weighing  eighteen  stone  is  under 
the  impression  that  he  has  seen  all  the 
stars  of  the  firmament.  The  determined 
professor  insists  that  the  elderly  gentle- 
man of  eighteen  stone  shall  "throw  a 
cart  wheel."  The  legs  of  the  elderly  gen- 
tleman of  eighteen  stone  are  being  at- 
tached to  the  trapeze.  The  legs  of  the 


Visitor.  "AH,  THAT'S  AN  OLD  MASTER,  SURELY?" 

Mrs.  Veneer  (apologetically).  "YE-E-S— BUT  THE  FRAME  is  NEW!' 


elderly  gentleman  of  eighteen  stone  have 
given  way.  The  elderly  gentleman  of 
eighteen  stone  has  fallen  to  the  ground, 
and  the  determined  professor  is  offering  ex- 
planations. The  determined  professor  is 
apologising  to  the  friends  of  the  elderly 
gentleman  of  eighteen  stone,  but  not  to 
the  elderly  gentleman  of  eighteen  stone 
himself.  Why  is  the  determined  professor 
not  apologising  to  the  elderly  gentleman 
of  eighteen  stone  ?  The  determined  pro- 
fessor is  not  apologising  to  the  elderly 
gentleman  of  eighteen  stone  because  he 
(i.e.,  the  elderly  gentleman  of  eighteen 
stone)  is  unconscious.  The  good  police- 


man and  the  clever  doctor  are  now  con 
suiting  together,  and  the  mind  of  the  de- 
termined professor  is  disturbed.  The  good 
policeman  and  the  clever  doctor  have  come 
to  a  decision,  and  are  no  longer  convers- 
ing. The  determined  professor  has  been 
removed  to  a  station-house,  and  the  elderly 
gentleman  of  eighteen  stone  to  a  lunatic 
asylum.  The  friends  of  the  elderly  gentle- 
man of  eighteen  stone  are  dining  in  the 
house  of  the  elderly  gentleman  of  eighteen 
stone.  The  good  policeman  and  the  clever 
doctor  are  at  the  same  table.  All  is  well 
that  ends  well  (i.e.,  that  has  a  good  end 
ing). 


180 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  10,  1896. 


Pedestrian.    "I   HEAR   BROWN    HAS  CTAKEN^TO  CYCLING     AND  is 

VERY   ENTHUSIASTIC   ABOUT   IT  !  " 

Cyclist.   "ENTHUSIASTIC!    NOT   A   BIT  OF    IT.     WHY,    HE  NEVER 

RIDES   BEFORE    BREAKFAST! 


COUNSEL  TO  COUNCILS. 

[The  Central  School  of  Arts  and  Crafts  is  to  be  opened  by  the  Technical 
Education  Board  of  the  London  County  Council  at  the  Morley  Hall,  Regent 
Street,  with  Mr.  GEOHGE  FKAMPTOX  and  Mr.  LETHABY  at  its  head.] 
"CHARGE,  FRAMPTON,  charge!     On  LETHABY,  on!" 

Are  the  first  words  of  Punchius. 
May  you  do  just  the  thing  that  requires  to  be  done, 

With  wisdom  and  wit,  and  without  noisy  fuss. 
The  stubborn  Briton  is  falling  behind : 

"  Our  fathers'  custom  "  wont  serve  us  to-day ; 
And  to  keep_his  front  place  BULL  must  make  up  his  mind 

For  technical  training  to  strive  and  pay! 
British  workmen  don't  lead  where  so  long  they  have  led ; 

The  foreigner's  filching  our  honour  and  hoard. 
Let  us  hope  that  our  national  wooden-head 

May  be  cured  by  the  Technical  Board ! 

ANXIOUS   FOE  A   LUGGAGE-LABEL. 

WANTED,'  by  Young  Man,  very  respectable,  to  join  Combination  or  Com- 
pany, as  Baggage  and  Small  Parts. 

THE  above  advertisement  appears  in  a  theatrical  contempo- 
rary. Mr.  Punch  can  only  suppose  that  the  "very  respect- 
able" young  man  would  undertake  the  role  of  Mr.  Sox,  or 
appear  as  an  elephant's  trunk,  or  perhaps  he  has  some  secret 
method  of  disguising  himself  as  a  Gladstone  bag  or  an  Ameri- 
can gripsack.  Any  way,  his  demand  is  novel,  and  Mr.  P. 
hopes  that  his^ambition  to  join  a  combination  may  be  speedily 
fulfilled,  even  if  he  have  to  descend  to  playing  a  hamper. 

A  DONGOLA  DINNER.— The  quail  of  the  Arab  before  the 
Kitchener. 


(P)SHAW! 

A  Page  from  an  Interviewer's  Log-book.) 

["  With  the  single  exception  of  HOMER,  there  is  no  eminent  writer,  not 
even  Sir  WALTER  SCOTT,  whom  I  can  despise  so  entirely  as  I  despise  SHAK- 
SPEARE  when  I  measure  my  mind  against  his." 

"#.  B.  S."  in  the  "Saturday  Review,1"  Sept.  26.] 

HASTILY  donning,  by  way  of  partial  disguise,  a  furrow  hat, 
a  red  tie,  and  a  flannel  shirt,  I  called  a  day  or  two  ago  at 
No.  IA,  Widowers'  Houses,  in  the  Isle  of  Sly  Dogs.  Not  being 
by  any  means  a  Master-mind,  it  was  with  no  little  trepidation 
that  I  arrived  at  the  front  door  of  the  distinguished  Iconoclast's 
abode.  I  observed  two  bells,  one  marked  "  Dramatic  Critics," 
and  the  other  "Idiots."  There  was  also  a  knocker,  with  the 
legend  "Knock  and  Wait."  I  knocked  and  waited — for  twenty 
minutes,  without  result.  This  display  of  Fabian  tactics  making 
me  feel  sufficiently  small,  I  ventured  to  press  the  second  belL 
The  door  was  then  opened  by  a  Social  Democratic  parlourmaid, 
and  I  found  myself  ushered  into  the  Presence.  I  thought  it 
better  to  enter  on  all-fours,  and  thus,  with  downcast  looks,  1 
could  only  hastily  notice  that  the  Master  was  supplied  with  a 
snuff-coloured  suit  of  dittos,  and  a  flamboyant  head  of  hair. 

"  Good  morning,"  I  said,  as  soon  as  I  partly  regained  my  self- 
possession.  "I  have  called,  on  behalf  of  the  Society  for  the 
Protection  of  Ancient  Reputations,  to  inquire  if  it  is  true  that 
you  have  blown  upon  HOMER  and  pricked  the  SHAKSPEARE 
bubble." 

"Quite  so,"  replied  the  Demolisher ;  "reputations  more  than 
a  day  old  are  as  worthless  as  yesterday's  morning  paper.  They 
become  fetishes,  and  it  is  my  pleasant  duty  to  expose  them. 
The  persons  you  mentioned  have  ceased  to  move  with  the 
times.  I  have  therefore  abolished  them." 

"  Are  PLATO  and  VIRGIL,  and  ^SCHYLTJS  and  HORACE,  and  the 
rest  of  the  classics  to  go,  then  ?  " 

"  My  dear  Sir,  PLATO  never  spoke  in  Hyde  Park,  that  I  am 
aware  of.  He  is  therefore  out  of  court.  ^ESCHYLUS,  I  under- 
stand, wrote  tragedies  in  blank  verse,  but  they  are  not  now 
played  at  any  London  theatre.  He  would  not  get  a  'hand' 
nowadays.  HORACE,  so  far  as  I  have  patience  to  read  him,  is 
painfully  suburban,  and  his  views  on  bimetallism  and  WAGNER 
are  crude  in  the  extreme.  VIRGIL  served  his  purpose  in 
supplying  a  title  for  Arms  and  the  Man,  but  he  is  an  imposition, 
and  rightly  used  as  such.  I  would  not  give  the  bones  of  a 
chocolate  soldier  for  the  rest." 

"Are  we  to  give  up  our  belief  in  the  more  modern  writers 
of  note,  as  well  ?  " 

"Most  decidedly.  Take  DANTE,  for  instance.  He  couldn't 
even  write  decent  English ;  and  RABELAIS,  who  wouldn't  write 
decent  French.  And  BACON,  who  I  am  told  wrote  Paradise 
Lost,  and  The  Sorrows  of  Satan,  and  much  other  sensational 
journalism  of  a  bygone  day,  besides  knocking  off  '  SHAK- 
SPBARE  '  in  his  spare  moments.  They  are  all  as  hopelessly 
parochial  and  prehistoric  as  DICKENS  and  THACKERAY.  Jt  posi- 
tively hurts  me  to  think  how  contemptible  they  are  compared 
with  myself.  Why,  it  is  as  much  as  I  can  do  to  keep  from 
tearing  out  my  hair  in  handfvils  with  disgust  at  hearing  them 
called  '  eminent  writers ! ' " 

"Are  there  no  ideals,  then,  left  for  us  to  cherish?"  I  de- 
spairingly asked.  "For  example,  don't  you  still  retain  a  good 
opinion  of  the  Equator  ?  " 

"  The  Equator,  my  good  Sir,  is  too  despicable  for  word*.  It 
has  no  sense  of  humour,  and  cannot  appreciate  a  paradox. 
Its  only  use  is  as  a  salutary  terror  to  the  fourth-form  schoolboy. 
I  do  not  recognise  its  existence  as  a  serious  factor  in  modern 
life." 

"Then  you  probably  don't  think  much  of  the  Solar  System, 
if  I  may  hazard  a  final  question  ?  " 

"I  consider  it  a  vastly  overrated  institution,  in  spite  of  the 
advertisement  it  has  received  from  interested  parties.  I  spend 
half-an-hour  every  day  despising  it.  This  is  a  useful  practice, 
I  find,  and  keeps  the  Universe  in  its  proper  place.  I  feel  like 
ATHANASITJS — or  was  it  ARCHIMEDES  ? — contra  mundum,  as  1 
walk  down  Southampton  Street.  It  is  an  exhilarating  sensa- 
tion, I  assure  you,  pushing  the  planet  away  from  beneath  one's 
feet.  The  other  day  I  measured  my  length  on  the  pavement 
(assisted  by  a  piece  of  orange-peel),  and  got  up  with  a  most 
profound  contempt  for  the  Law  of  Gravitation.  But  if 
you  will  excuse  me,  now,  I  have  an  engagement  with  a  Popular 
Idol,  whom  I  have  arranged  to  pulverise." 

I  left  hurriedly,  feeling  thankful  I  was  only  an  Obscure  Item 


OCTOBER  17,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


181 


THE    EARLIEST    RECORD    OF   THE    APPEARANCE    OF    THE    SEA-SERPENT. 

This  remarkable  Picture  from  an  Egyptian  Illustrated  Paper  is  accompanied  by  the  following  unpublished  remarks  of  Herodotus,  its  Special 

Correspondent : — 

I  went  to  a  certain  place  called  Pelusium,  which  is  at  the  mouth  of  the  Nile,  to  make  inquiries  concerning  the  great  sea-serpent.  For  it  was  told 
me  that  every  year,  after  the  rising  of  the  Senate,  and  while  the  Chief  Magistrates  are  away  from  the  city,  there  appears  in  the  ocean,  not  far  from  the 
harbour,  a  monstrous  snake.  All  affirmed  it  to  be  many  parasaugs  in  length,  and  exceeding  fierce,  some  described  it  as  of  a  dingy  white  colour,  and  as 
advancing  silently  and  with  a  sinuous  motion  ;  others,  on  the  other  hand,  declaring  it  to  be  mottled  with  the  most  gorgeous  colours,  to  proceed  by  leaps 
like  a  dolphin,  and  with  hideous  bellowings.  All  agreed  that  it  only  appears  when  the  Senate  is  not  sitting.  Thus  I  conclude  the  subject  of  the  sea-serpent. 


THE  CAB-HIRER'S  VADE   MECUM. 

(During  the  Strike.) 

Question.  If  you  are  on  your  way  to 
town  from  the  country,  what  should  you 
do.  say,  when  you  get  within  one  hundred 
miles  of  London  ? 

Answer.  I  should  beg  the  railway  guard 
to  wire  to  the  terminus  to  engage  a  con- 
veyance for  me  on  my  arrival. 

(Q.  What  will  be  the  consequences  of 
this  proceeding? 

A.  Assuming  that  my  train  is  half-an- 
hour  late  I  shall  have  to  wait  a  further 
thirty  minutes  for  the  identification  of  my 
Jehu  and  his  chariot. 

Q.   To  whom  and  to  what  do  you  refer  ? 

A.  To  the  railway  employe  on  the  box  of 
the  company's  cab. 

Q.  Say  that  you  are  seated,  what  will 
happen  next? 

A.  I  shall  give  my  address,  and  then 
personally  conduct  the  driver. 

Q.  Why  will  this  superintendence  be 
necessary  ? 

A.  Because,  being  "new  to  town,"  the 
coachman  will  fancy  that  Eaton  Square  is 
near  the  Tower,  and  Oxford  Street  within 
a  stone's  throw  of  Waterloo  Bridge. 

Q.  Suppose  you  desire  to  get  from  Ken- 
sington to  Hyde  Park  Corner,  what  would 
be  the  route  chosen  by  the  driver,  without 
your  directions? 

A.  Very  likely  he  would  make  for 
Olympia,  then  wander  into  Bayswater, 
visit  Bloomsbury,  skirt  Pimlico,  and  come 

VOX.    CXI. 


to  Apsley  House  via,  the  King's  Road, 
Sloane  Square,  the  Brompton  Road,  and 
Knightsbridge. 

Q.  Then  if  you  are  encumbered  with 
luggage,  what  should  you  do  ? 

A.  Send  it  to  its  destination  either  by 
Private  Delivery  or  Parcels  Post. 


Q.  And  how  would  you  yourself  get 
home? 

A.   By  walking. 

Q.  But  surely  this  would  cause  you  in- 
convenience ? 


A.  Possibly.  But  it  would  be  far  safer 
to  trust  to  legs  than  to  wheels. 

Q.  Why  would  it  be  safer  ? 

A.  Because  nearly  all  the  streets  of 
London  are  "up,"  and  consequently  it 
would  be  better  to  climb  the  pavement 
with  an  alpen-stock  than  to  drive  through 
the  gas-pipes  in  a  hansom. 


THE  PIANO-BABY'S  LULLABY. 

[Many  of  the  itinerant  artistes  of  Saffron  Hill 
consider  that  their  apparatus  is  incomplete  without 
a  baby-and-cradle  attachment.] 

MISERABLE  infant, 

To  the  organ  tied, 
Trundled  down  the  dirty  street, 
Swaddled  tightly  head  and  feet, 

For  your  daily  ride  I 

Wretched  little  morsel, 

Squalling  little  brat, 
Though  the  wheezy  barrel  turns, 
"Tis  through  you  your  parent  earns 

Ha'pence  in  his  hatf 

Small  and  howling  human, 

Soon  no  more  you  '11  hear, 
Growing  quickly  deaf  as  stone, 
Thanks  to  each  discordant  tone 
Ground  into  your  ear. 

Truly,  for  two  buttons, 

This  is  what  I  'd  do  : 
I  'd  a  stout  policeman  fetch, 
Take  your  father  up,  the  wretch, 

Smash  the  organ,  too ! 


182 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  17,  1896. 


'OUT    OF    AN    ENGAGEMENT." 


Herr  Wilhelm(fhe  Quick-Change  Artist).  "WHAT  HAVE  WE  HERE?    HUM  !    THIS  RUSSIAN  STRIPLING  SEEMS  TO  HAVE  HAD  SOME  BIG 

RECEPTIONS  1      BUT  WAIT  TILL  /  GO   ON  ToUB  !      AHA  !  " 


OCTOBER  17,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI, 


183 


.,1 


GONE    TO    GROUND. 

Keeper  (long  suspected  of  being  no  friend  to  Foxes).   "THE  CUBS  SEEM  ALL  UNDER  GROUND  THIS  MORNIN',  MISTER  CAPEM.' 
Huntsman  (having  just  drawn  the  man's  coverts  blank).  "WELL,    YOU  OUGHT  TO  KNOW.     BUT,  I  SAY,  MISTER  POTTER,   WHERE  DID 
rov  BURY  'BJI, — EH  ?  " 


PROVINCIAL  SKETCHES. 

No.  V.— THE  BAILIE. 

HA,  who  comes  there  with  lordly  air  of  calm  superiority. 
With  portly  mien  and  look  serene  of  self-assured  authority  ? 
Who  can  it  he  ? — Some  great  grandee  ? — Sh !     Do  not  stare  and 

dawdle,  Sir, 

It  ia  no  Royal  Highness,  but  our  worthy  Bailie  CAUDLE.  Sir. 
Well  may  he  walk  with  stately  stalk  and  cast  an  eye  of  scorning 
On  us  mere  nobodies  that  dare  to  whisper  him  "Good  morning." 
To  him  that  bears  a  city's  cares,  dons  scarlet  robes  and  ermine, 

Sir, 
What  are  mere  men,  mere  human  men,  but  worthless  dirt  and 

vermin,  Sir? 

Far  other  thoughts  absorb  his  soul — themes  mightily  superior, 
The  pipes  and  drains,  the  water-mains — a  living  town's  interior. 
Ha !  think  of  that  and  tremble,  Sir,  that  you  have  dared  to  greet 

a  man 
Who,  when  the  lion 's  roused,  can  look  as  if  he  meant  to  eat  a 

man  : 
Well   may   the  hungry   beggar  blench  when   haled    before    his 

Mightiness, 

Well  may  the  tripping  damsel  blush  in  sorrow  for  her  flightiness, 
Well  may  the  trembling  truant  dread  his  worshipful  verbosity, 
And  shrink  and  quail  abashed  and  pale  before  my  Lord  Pomposity. 
Or  see  him  on  a  Sabbath  morn  in  solemn  elder's  state, 
His  hand  upon  his  bosom  and  his  eye  upon  the  plate. 
The  people,  as  they  enter,  in  Sabbatical  reflection, 
With  nervous  fingers  feel  the  bawbee  destined  for  collection  ; 
But  as  they  feel,  they  blush  to  think  how  monstrous  it  would  be 
To  offer  common  copper  to  a  magnate  such  as  he  : 
They  drop  the  vulgar  metal,  and  ashamed,  yet  half  unwilling, 
Produce  the  silver  threepenny,  the  sixpence  and  the  shilling. 
And  when,  with  boots  that  creak  importance,  in  his  lordly  style, 
The  Bailie  in  his  majesty  comes  marching  down  the  aisle, 
We  rise,  we  stand  in  silence,  as  is  meet  for  man  to  do, 
What  time  he  passes  in  his  glory  to  the  elder's  pew. 


And  as  we  watch  him  move  along,  so  stately  and  so  tall, 
There  is  a  thought  that  rises  in  the  bosoms  of  us  all — 

What  need  of  sermons  or  divines,  of  BUTLER,  BARROW,  PALEY  ?— 
O  Lord,  we  know  that  Thou  art  great,  for  Thou  hast  made  the 
Bailie." 


THE  EIGHT  HON.  GEORGE  DENMAN. 

LATE  ONE  OF  HER  MAJESTY'S  JUDGES. 
(An  Unrhymed  Sonnet.) 

"  NOT  a  great  lawyer."     Well,  that  may  be  so  : 

I  care  not  greatly  for  that  parrot-cry. 

Here  is  his  portrait,  on  my  study  wall : 
Integrity  and  Dignity  sit  there, 
A  wise  Experience  and  Thoughtfulness, 

Firm  to  rebuke  the  Wrong,  uphold  the  Right. 

Perhaps  I  trace  a  wearied,  far-off  look 
About  the  eyes.     Nay,  you  are  wrong,  my  friend, 
I  am  not  much  imposed  upon  by  robes. 

Forget  the  office !     Think  but  of  the  man, 
Kindly  and  cultured,  stately,  gracious,  true ; 

Robed  or  unrobed,  a  man  to  be  beloved ! 

Come,  now,  I  'II  cap  your  sneer  with  one  plain  word, 
There  sits  a  truly  noble  Englishman. 


CURIOUS  FACT. — The  special  correspondent  of  the  Daily  Tele- 
graph at  Cherbourg  says,  that  the  officers  received  the  CZAR 
"  lowering  their  swords  with  the  points  to  the  ground,  in  salute." 
Had  the  officers  lowered  their  weapons  and  simultaneously 
directed  the  points  towards  the  sky,  the  situation  might,  indeed, 
have  been  more  striking  than  that  described  by  the  eminent 
word  painter. 

OBSERVATION  BY  OUR  MAN  OP  LETTERS. — "Great  wits  ^ump — 
on  one  another,  when  they  see  their  individual  ideas  simulta- 
neously produced." 


184 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  17,  1896. 


JOTTINGS    AND    TITTLINGS. 

(BY  BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO  JABBERJEE,  B.A.) 
No.  XXV. 

Mr.  Jabberjee  permits  himself  to  make  a  most  unwarranted  attack  upon  a 
distinguished  fellow-contributor,  and  to  criticise  the  Editorial  dis 
cretion  with  considerable  freedom.  After  which  he  concludes  the 
thrilling  account  of  his  experiences  on  a  Scotch  moor,  greatly  to  his 
own  glorification. 

MAY  I  humbly  be  permitted  to  commence  this  with  the 
personal  explanation  P 

The  gracious  and  patronising  readers  of  this  periodical  must 
often,  very  properly,  have  experienced  sensations  of  profound 
disgust  and  disappointment  to  find  almost  every  alternate  number 


"I  presented  my  trophy  aud  treasure-trove  to  the  fairylike  Miss  Wee-wee." 

of  Punch  completely  destitute  of  a  single  jot  or  tittle  from  this 
pen ;  in  consequence  from  which  my  experiences  when  (at  last) 
suffered  to  appear  have  become  totally  ex  post  facto !  For  this 
dilatoriness  the  responsible  party  is  not  myself. 

I  am  ready  at  any  time  to  occupy  an  entire  number  with  my 
unassuming  lucubrations,  which  would  then  be  up  to  their 
date;  but  of  course  it  seems  that,  to  the  Editorial  optic,  the 
iejune  scribblings  of  some  foreign  Mister  are  of  more  pressing 
importance,  though  ludicrously  incapable  to  write  intelligible 
or  idiomatic  English  style,  and  interlarded  with  frequent  Galli- 
cisms of  very,  very  dubious  correctness  I 

Far  be  it  from  me  to  raise  an  international  question  at  a 
rather  difficult  crisis,  but  I  must  meekly  suggest  that  it  is  un- 
ivorthy  of  a  patriotic  periodical  to  snub  the  nose  of  a  cultivated 
British  subject  by  postponing  his  contributions  to  those  of  this 
so-called  AUGUSTE,  who  is  admittedly  a  mere  Parisian  French- 
man. I  may  return  to  this  subject  anon — if  necessary.  Verbum 
sat  sap. 

Now  to  resume  the  rather  arbitrarily  truncated  account  of  my 
gunnery  on  Scottish  moors. 


Before  luncheon  I  ventured  to  remonstrate  earnestly  with 
my  entertainer,  Mr.  BAGSHOT,  Q.C.,  concerning  the  extreme 
severity  with  which  he  chastised  a  juvenile  sporting  hound  of 
his  for  such  trivial  offences  as  running  after  some  rabbit,  or 
picking  up  slaughtered  volatiles  without  receiving  the  mot 
d'ordre  ! 

"  Listen,  honourable  Sir,"  I  entreated  him,  "  to  the  voice  of 
Reason  1  It 's  the  second  nature  of  all  such  canines  to  pursue 
vermins,  nor  are  they  at  all  capable  of  comprehending  the  Why 
and  Wherefore  of  a  shocking  flagellation.  If  it  is  your  wish  that 
this  hound  should  play  the  part  of  a  Tantalus,  forbidden  even  to 
touch  the  bonne-bouches  with  his  watering  mouth,  surely  it  is 
possible  to  restrain  him  by  a  more  humane  method  than  Brute 
Force  I " 

At  this  mild  reproof  Mister  BAGSHOT  became  utterly  rubescent, 
murmuring  excuses  which  I  did  not  catch ;  and  1,  perceiving 
that  this  object  lesson  of  kindness  to  animals  from  an  Oriental 
had  strongly  affected  all  the  shooters,  patted  the  hound  on  the 
forehead,  consoling  him  with  some  chocolate  I  carried  in  my 
cartridge  sack. 

We  picnicked  our  lunch  under  a  stone  wall,  and  I,  becoming 
an  hilarious,  rallied  my  companions  unmercifully  upon  the 
solemnity  with  which  they  had  marched  in  cautious  silence, 
and  with  stern  countenances  as  to  attack  some  formidable 
foe — and  all  to  slaughter  sundry  braces  of  inoffensive  grouse- 
birds — truly  an  heroical  sort  of  undertaking  1 

To  which  Hon'ble  CUMMERBUND  replied,  with  his  utterance 
impeded  by  cold  pie,  that  I  might  congratulate  myself  on 
having  kept  my  own  hands  unstained  by  any  grouse's  gore. 

"  True,  Mister  Ex-Judge,"  I  retorted,  "  but  as  you  have 
already  testified,"  (here  I  hoisted  his  own  petard  at  him  rather 
ingeniously,)  "  I  am  more  an  au  fait  in  the  extermination  of  ele- 
phants et  hoc  genus  omne,  and  have  hitherto  reserved  my  powder 
and  shot  for  a  stag  or  some  similar  monarch  of  the  glen.  How- 
ever, after  lunch  let  us  see  whether  1  am  not  competent  to  kill, 
or  at  least  maim,  one  of  these  same  grouse-fowls,  faute  de 
mieux  I " 

A  repartee  which  excited  uproarious  laughter  (at  Hon'ble  C.'s 
expense^  from  all  the  present  company. 

Subsequently,  we  were  posted  in  a  row  of  small  fortresses 
constructed  of  turfs,  to  await  what  is  termed  a  "Drive,"  i.e., 
until  some  flock  of  grouse-birds,  exasperated  to  fury  by  the 
cries  and  blows  of  certain  individuals  called  "beaters,"  should 
attack  our  positions. 

Hearing  that  the  grouses  on  this  moor  were  of  an  excessive 
wildness,  I  was  at  first  apprehensive  that  one  might  fly  at  my 
nose  or  eyes  while  I  was  busied  in  defending  myself  against 
its  fellows,  but  the  keeper  who  was  with  me  assured  me  that 
such  was  seldom  their  custom. 

And,  indeed,  such  as  came  in  my  direction  flew  with  wings 
so  accelerated  by  panic  that  they  were  invisible  before  I  could 
even  select  one  as  my  target,  so  I  was  reduced  to  fire  with  con- 
siderable random.  Presently  the  beaters  approached,  carrying 
gs  of  truce,  and  we  sallied  out  of  our  forts  to  pick  up  the 
slain  and  wounded.  After  diligent  search,  I  had  the  happiness 
to  discover  a  grouse-bird,  stone  dead,  in  the  heather,  and, 
capering  with  triumph,  called  to  the  keeper  to  come  and  see 
the  spoil. 

On  his  arrival,  however,  he  said  that  he  could  not  just  think 
it  would  be  my  bird,  as  he  had  not  noticed  any  fall  in  that 
direction.  But  after  I  had  presented  him  with  a  piece  of  silver, 
tie  did  agree  that  if  I  chose  to  claim  the  bird  as  mine,  it  was 
not  his  place  to  contradict  me,  and  so  in  great  glee  I  exhibited 
my  prize  to  the  othera,  appealing  to  the  keeper  (who  basely 
remained  sotto  voce)  for  confirmation. 

"  A  devilish  clean  shot,  Prince ! "  Sir  CUMMERBUND  graciously 
remarked ;  "  why,  the  bird  is  stiff  and  cold  already !  " 

Whereupon  I  was  cordially  congratulated,  and  awarded  the 
tail  feathers  to  decorate  my  "  tommyshanty,"  and  during  the 
next  driving,  having  now  acquired  the  knack,  I  rendered  several 
more  denizens  of  the  air  the  hors  de  combats,  though — either 
on  account  of  their  great  ingenuity  in  running  out  of  the 
radius,  or  creeping  into  holes,  &c.,  or  else  the  stupi/lity  of  the 
retrieving  dogs — their  corpses  remained  irrecoverable. 

On  taking  my  leave,  I  expressed  unbounded  satisfaction  with 
such  sport  as  I  had  had,  and  my  fixed  intention  to  assist  on 
some  similar  shooting-expedition,  and  Mr.  BAGSHOT  kindly 
jromised  to  let  me  know  if  he  should  again  have  vacancy  for 
an  additional  gun. 

I  regret  to  say  that  young  HOWARD,  who,  having  only  laid 
ow  a  couple  of  black  cocks  and  a  blue  hare,  was  immoderately 
ealous  of  my  superior  skilfulness,  did  seek  to  depreciate  it  by 


OCTOBER  17,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


185 


insinuating  that  my  grouse  was  one  which,  having  been  seri- 
ously wounded  by  other  hands  some  days  previously,  had  come 
up  to  the  hills  to  shuffle  off  its  mortal  coil  in  seclusion,  arguing 
thus  from  its  total  absence  of  heat  and  suppleness. 

This  is  the  merest  quibble,  and  to  travel  out  of  the  record, 
since,  of  course,  if  a  bird  is  at  all  of  a  venerable  age,  it  becomes 
stiff  and  deficient  in  vital  warmth  long  before  it  is  popped  off ! 
Moreover,  if  the  grouse  were  not  legitimately  my  property,  why, 
forsooth,  should  I  be  permitted  to  carry  it  home  ? 

I  presented  my  trophy  and  treasure-trove  to  the  fairylike 
Miss  WEE-WEE,  who  was  so  overwhelmed  by  the  compliment 
that  she  entreated  for  it  to  be  cooked  and  eaten  instanter. 

As  soon  as  I  have  recovered  a  missing  link  of  my  fishing-rod 
(which  it  seems  has  been  overlooked  by  Mister  Pawnbroker), 
and  when  I  have  procured  some  suitable  bait,  &c.,  it  is  my 
intention  to  catch  a  fine  salmon  out  of  the  burn  for  my  en- 
chanting divinity,  and,  as  I  place  the  fish  in  her  lily-like  hands, 
to  strike  iron  while  it  is  hot  and  make  her  the  formal  proposal 
of  matrimony. 

Mister  CRUM,  hearing  of  my  piscatorial  ambitions,  has,  with 
almost  incredible  simplicity,  offered  to  lend  me  his  salmon  rod, 
with  a  volume  of  flies,  little  suspecting  that  he  will  be  assisting 
me  to  catch  two  fish  upon  one  hook!  I  am  immensely  tickled 
by  such  a  tip-top  joke,  and  dan  scarcely  refrain  from  imparting 
it  to  Miss  WEE-WEE  herself,  though  I  shall  wait  until  I  have 
first  secured  the  salmon. 

I  had  some  valuable  remarks  upon  Scottish  idioms  and 
linguistic  peculiarities,  &c.,  but  these,  of  course,  are  to  be 
suppressed  sine  die — unless  I  am  to  be  permitted  to  overflow 
into  a  special  supplement. 

What  do  you  say,  eh,  Hon'ble  Mister  Editor? 

[En.  NOTE.— Not  if  Hon'ble  Mister  Editor  knows  it !] 


DARBY  JONES  ON  THE  CESAEEW1TCH. 

HONOURED  SIR, — The  mystic  veil,  which  is  invariably  thrown 
by  cruel  Fortune  over  the  result  of  a  big  handicap,  shall,  if  pos- 
sible, be  rent  asunder  by  the  old  and  ever  ready  seer,  whose  eye 
has  lost  none  of  its  Rontgen-ray  penetration.  As  you  are  well 
aware,  Sir,  it  is  at  this  time  of  year  that  many  owners,  to  say 
nothing  of  backers,  are  anxious  to  provide  themselves  with 
a  copious  supply  of  winter  keep,  and  thus  it  is  that  "  bottled-up 
crocks "  and  '  dark  outsiders  "  may  floor  the  most  distinguished 
members  of  the  Equine  Peerage.  But  now  listen  to  the  minstrel, 
who  lays  the  oof -bird's  egg  :  — 

Oh,  beware  of  the  Captain,  in  seeking  one — 

two, 
He  's  a  bad  'un  to  beat  with  his  port  full  in 

view. 
Then  the   Count  is  a  stayer  that  none  can 

deny, 
Though  to  get  newly  rich  someone  else  means 

to  try. 
O'er  a  Kendal-bred  dame  there  are  many  who 

gush, 
But  there  're  others  who  know  what  will  come 

with  a  rush. 
I  've  respect   for    the    son    of   a    pit-owning 

peer, 
And   the   guard   in  the  van  ^is  a  person  to 

fear. 

Of  a  chat  by  the  way  I  am  somewhat  afraid, 
And  look  out  for  French  tricks  in  the  harle- 
quinade. 

The  chance  of  a  Cyprian  coup  is  too  faint ; 
But  the  son  of  a  devote  I  '11  link  with  a  saint. 

There  it  is,  my  lords  and  gentlemen,  the  secret  is  as  surely 
discovered  as  was  TYNAN  at  Boulogne.  Cheques  from  grateful 
clients  may,  as  usual,  be  uncrossed,  and  postal  orders  are  ac- 
cepted. This  latter  tip  may  not  be  lost  upon  you,  honoured  Sir, 
who  have  been,  I  learn,  paying  a  fabulous  price  for  rooms  in 
Paris  during  the  visit  of  the  CZAR.  Crumbs  from  your  sybarite 
table  are  always  thankfully  received  by 

Your  indigent  servitor,  DARBY  JONES. 

P.S. — Hope  you  pulled  off  my  good  thing  at  Kempton,  on 
Saturday.  It  was  apricot  jam  on  thin  bread  and  butter. 

[We  do  not  know  to  what  D.  J.  alludes.  Two  hours  after  the  Duke  of 
York  Stakes  had  been  decided,  we  received  a  telegram  from  JONES  asking  us 
to  back  the  winner  for  him. — ED.] 

A  PLACE  TO  BE  AVOIDED  BY  THE  ROYAL  ARTILLERY. — Gunnera- 
Sury. 


FACILIS    DESCENSUS. 

OUR  dear  little  Bishop  has  bought  a  new  bike, 

Nor  recks  what  the  world  may  say, 
Over  hill  and  down  dale,  past  hedge-row  and  dyke, 

He  merrily  pedals  his  way. 


When  to  visit  his  vicars  on  Sundays  he  goes, 

To  appearance  he  tries  to  take  heed, 
But  the  one  thing  he  loves  is  to  tuck  up  his  toes 

And  fly  down  a  hill  at  full  speed. 

He  can  dp  thirty  miles  without  turning  a  hair, 

Yet  he  isn't  much  given  to  boasting, 
"  In  the  joys  of  the  wheel,"  he  will  often  declare, 

"  There  is  nothing  can  come  up  to  coasting  1 " 

And  all  of  his  clergy  are  going  in  now 

To  follow  "  his  lordship's  "  lead ; 
They  're  biking  and  triking,  but  none,  I  avow, 

Can  develop  the  same  turn  of  speed. 

Some  day,  I  've  no  doubt — his  limbs  are  so  supple — 

He  '11  go  for  some  record  or  race ; 
I  '11  be  bound  that  he  '11  win,  if  he  gets  a  fast  couple 

Of  curates  for  making  the  pace. 

Horticultural  Amenities. 

Unfeeling  Visitor  (to  Host,  proud  of  his  flower  garden).  Why 
does  that  bed  remind  me  of  a  northern  town  oft  repeated  ? 
Host  (expecting  a  compliment) .  Give  it  up  1 
U.  V.  Because  it  is  full  of  lank  asters. 

[Summons  for  assault  next  morning. 

"  THE  GALLANT  MAJOR." — The  much-talked-of — we  will  not  say 
notorious,  as  being,  perhaps,  a  rather  unpleasant  adjective — the 
much-talked-of  Major  LOTHAIRE  finds  himself  in  the  situation  of 
the  immortal  Mr.  Pickwick  in  regard  to  Mrs.  Bardell.  Madame 
VAN  HECKE  is  suing  the  Major  for  breach  of  promise  to  her 
daughter.  Damages,  50,000  francs.  If  the  case  be  proved,  it 
may  show  LOTHAIRE  as  the  Gay  Lothair-io.  The  "  to "  to  be 
added,  if  he  can't  pay. 

NEWS  FROM  NOTTINGHAM. — "Mr.  OSBORNE'S  Nurse  Agnes  won 
the  Sherwood  Nursery  Plate."  This  is  quite  as  it  should  be,  and 
we  hope  that  Mr.  (should  it  not  be  Master?)  OSBORNE'S  nurse 
will  take  care  of  the  plate,  and  see  that  Master  OSBOBNE  does 
not  break  it. 


186 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Younger  Sister.   ""WHAT  ARE  YOU  GOING  TO  DO  ON  YOUR  BIRTHDAY,  EVA  ?" 

Eva  (a  belle  of  some  seasons).   "On.  I  DON'T  KNOW.     TAKE  A  YEAR  OFF,  I  SUPPOSE." 


k 


("KIKI.") 

£orn  in  Paris,  March  6,  1834.     Died  in 
London,  October  8,  1896 

"  A  little  work,  a  little  play 

To  keep  us  going  —  and  so,  good  day  1 
"  A  little  warmth,  a  little  light 

Of  love's  bestowing  —  and  so,  good  night  ! 
"  A  little  fun,  to  match  the  sorrow 

Of  each  day's  growing  —  and  so,  good  morrow  ! 
"  A  little  trust  that  when  we  die 

We  reap  our  sowing  !    And  so,  good-bye  !  " 
Du  Manner's  translation  of"  Un  Feud1  Amour." 

"  AND  so,   good-bye  1  "     Light  words,  and 

Slickly  said  I 
they  reach  your  ears,  beloved 
dead, 

Their  burden  you  would  guess 
Better  than  many  wearing  graver  face. 
Good-bye  to  genius,  gentleness,  and  grace  1 
A  vanished  presence  and  a  vacant  place 
Leave  us  in  heaviness. 

Leave  us,  your  comrades,  lovers,  friends, 

alone 
With  mingling  memories  of  all  that  's  gone, 

The  joy,  the  mirth,  the  wit; 
The  large  humanity,  the  lambent  light 
Of  humour  free  from   smallness   as  from 

spite, 
The  bold,   frank  outlook,   and  the  fancy 

bright, 
The  frolic  glee  of  it! 

And  gentler  touches,  too,  not  shown  to  all, 
The  graver  thoughts  which  this  wild,  spin- 

ning ball 
Of  misery  and  mad  mirth 


Awakes  in  every  soul  whose  laugh  is  not 
Mere  crackling  of  dry  thorns  beneath  the 

pot, 

Marking  the  humours  heedless  of  the  plot 
Of  our  strange  drama — Earth. 

Gone  from  the  ring  of  friends  to  lose  him 

loth  I 
He  brought  from  two  great  lands  the  best 

of  both 

In  one  fine  nature  blent. 
Lover  of  English  strength  and  Gallic  grace, 
Of  British  beauty,  or  of  soul  or  face, 
Yet  with  that  subtler  something  born  of 

race 
That  charm  to  cleanness  lent. 

MILLAIS  and   THACKERAY,    master   minds, 

and  men 
Of    stalwart    strength    and    health,  with 

brush  or  pen, 

To  these  his  love  was  drawn 
In   stintless    measure.      Picturing    strong 

and  bold, 

A  grip  of  iron  and  a  style  of  gold, 
These  the  ideals  which  he  seemed  to  hold 
From  talent's  earliest  dawn. 

Humour  refined,  if  scarce  exuberant,  wit 
Unpoisoned,  polished,  lethal  in  its  hit, 

But  gracious  in  its  fence, 
Were  his  possessions  ;  strength  subdued  to 

style ; 

A  generous  scathing  of  the  mean  and  vile, 
A  stinging  scourge,  though  wielded  with  a 

smile, 
For  prudery  and  pretence. 

A  THACKERAY  of  the  pencil  I     So  men  said. 
His  reverence  high  for  the  great  Titan 

dead 
Put  by  such  praise  with  ease ; 


But  social  satire  of  the  subtler  sort 

Was  his,  too.     Not  the  shop,   the  slum, 

the  court, 
But    gay    saloons    gave    quarry    for    his 

sport. 
'Twas  in  such  scenes  as  these 

His  hectoring  Midas,   and  his  high-nosed 
earl, 

His    worldly    matron,    and    his    winsome 

girl, 
Were  found?  and  pictured  clear, 

With  skill  creative  and  with  strength  re- 
strained. 

They  live,  his  butts,  cold-hearted,  shallow- 
brained. 

In    his    own    chosen    walk   Du    MAUBIEB 

reigned 
Supreme,  without  a  peer. 

And  yet,  perchance,  to  those  who  knew 

him  best, 
His    chosen    walk    scarce   furnished    final 

test 

Of  all  he  plight  have  been. 
Who  may  decide  ?    Success,  arriving  late, 
But  shining  far,  sensationally  great, 
In  a  new  path,  is  stayed  by  cruel  fate, 
As  though  in  envious  spleen. 

But  he  had  lived,  and  loved,  and  nobly 
wrought, 

Stoutly    against    long-threatening    terror 

fought. 
Won  friendship,  love,  and  fame. 

And  so,  good-bye  1  Our  dear  Du  MAUKIER, 
brave, 

Companionable  "  Kiki,"  by  your  grave, 

Your  sorrowing  comrades  cheer  and  com- 
fort crave 
For  all  who  bear  your  name. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.— OCTOBER  17,  1896. 


WAITING  THE   SIGNAL/ 


OCTOBER  17,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


189 


Dr.  frimrose-bery  (the   Vicar  of  "  Wide-a-wake-field,"  quoting  from 
diary).  "  FOR  THE  THREE  ENSUING  DAYS  I  WAS  IN  A  STATE  OF  ANXIETY 

TO   KNOW   WHAT    RECEPTION    MY   LETTER   MIGHT    MEET   WITH." 

Vicar  of  Wakefield,  CH.  XXVIII. 


ROUNDABOUT  BEADINGS. 

MONSIEUR  ELZ&AR  BLAZE  ON  "  LE  CHASSEUR  AU  CHIEN  D' 

ONE  of  those  insular  prejudices  which  cause  our  nation  to  be 
so  justly  beloved  over  the  continent  of  Europe  will  have  it  that 
we  alone  understand  sport,  and  that  in  particular  the  French  are 
natural  fools  in  this  department  of  human  activity.  The  ordi- 
nary Briton  as  he  misses  his  driven  partridge  or  his  rocketing 
pheasant,  thinks  with  contempt  of  the  unfortunate  French 
nation  which,  as  he  imagines,  knows  no  more  about  the  handling 
of  a  gun  or  the  proper  destruction  of  a  bird  on  the  wing  than 
it  does  about  those  great  feasts  of  sirloin  and  steak  which,  in 
conjunction  with  their  pale  ale,  have  made  Englishmen  what  they 
are.  In  face  of  this  prejudice,  it  seems  almost  unreasonable  to 
point  out  that  at  the  present  time  there  are  probably  more 
Frenchmen  than  Englishmen  who  are  passionately  devoted  to  the 
sport  of  shooting,  and  that  some  of  the  best  treatises  on  that 
sport  have  been  written  in  French. 


IT  must  be  conceded,  of  course,  that  there  are  some  French- 
men who  have  done  their  best  to  pour  ridicule  on  the  sporting 
proclivities  of  their  countrymen.  Did  not  the  immortal  TAR- 
TARIN  set  out  from  Tanuscon  every  Sunday  morning  in  order  to 
indulge  in  La,  Chasse  aux  Casquettes  ?  Winged  game  being  scarce 
in  the  neighbourhood  of  Tarascon,  a  cap  was  thrown  into  the 
air  as  a  substitute,  and  the  sportsman  who  recorded  the  greatest 
number  of  hits,  was,  at  the  end  of  the  day,  saluted  as  champion 
and  escorted  in  triumph  back  to  the  town.  Still,  a  cloth  cap  is 
probably  just  as  good  to  shoot  at  and  as  hard  to  hit  as  the  terra- 
cotta saucer  which  provides  sport  and  championship  cups  to  our 
inanimate  bird  shooters,"  of  whose  powers  and  markman- 
occasionally  read  glowing  accounts  in  our  sporting  papers. 


ship 


I  WONDER  how  many  Englishmen  have  heard  of  Monsieur 
ELZEAB  BLAZE  and  his  treatise  on  Le  Chasseur  au  Chien  d'Arret. 
I  have  the  fourth  edition,  which  was  published  in  1854,  and  is 
adorned  with  a  frontispiece  representing  a  gentleman  with  a 
swallow-tail  coat  and  a  top  hat  gazing  intently  through  an  eye- 


glass at  a  shop  window  in  which  are  displayed  all  kinds  of  cakes, 
jellies,  fruits,  and  other  culinary  delicacies.  This  may  be  ex- 
plained by  the  fact  that  the  book  was  published  "  au  Depot  de  la 
Collection  Culinaire  de  Careme,"  and  that  this  edition  of  it 
forms  part  of  a  series  in  which,  seemingly,  Classiques  de  la  Table, 
"ces  ecrits  eiincelants  de  MM.  BRILLAT  SAVARIN.  Cussr,  DE 
LAREYNIBRE,  BKHCUOUX,  &c.,"  also  appeared.  This,  however, 
is  quite  in  our  English  manner,  for  does  not  every  volume 
of  Fur  and  Feather,  our  latest  sporting  series,  contain  a  chapter 
on  cookery? 

IT  is  impossible  to  wish  for  a  more  agreeable  companion  than 
M.  ELZEAR  BLAZE.  His  publisher,  in  a  Preface,  justly  remarks 
"  Que  de  gaiete,  de  verve,  de  traits  incisifs,  d'anecdotes  semees 
dans  ces  recits  piquants  de  M.  ELZEAR  BLAZE!  que  d'aimables 
peintures  de  la  campagne,  des  bois,  des  courses  a  pied  I  Quelle 
animation  dans  cette  vie  que  sa  spirituelle  plume  a  si  bien 
retracee."  Indeed,  there  is  nothing  stodgy  or  dull  about  the 
treatise  of  M.  BLAZE.  It  is  written  in  a  style  which  is  through- 
put crisp  and  agreeable,  and  his  advice  to  novices,  even  when  it 
is  most  paternal,  never  degenerates  into  pomposity.  Here  is 
an  extract  from  Chapter  HI.,  entitled,  "  Habillement  du  Chas- 
seur." "In  order  to  disguise  themselves  as  sportsmen,"  says 
M.  BLAZE,  "  our  dandies  stop  at  nothing.  Like  coquettish 
women,  they  have  their  negliges,  which  cost  more  than  ball 
dresses,  and  they  wear  these  in  the  hope  that  the  ladies  who  see 
them  will  lose  their  repose  and  their  appetite,  that  their  com- 
plexions will  pale,  that  possibly  they  will  die  of  it.  a  thing  that 
happens  every  day,  as  we  all  know.  And  then,  wnen  they  have 
seen  the  ravages  caused  by  their  costume,  when  a  wan  and  leaden 
colour  has  succeeded  to  the  rosy  tint  on  two  beautiful  cheeks, 
then  these  gentlemen  triumph.  Oh,  the  scoundrels  1  Poor 
women,  I  pity  you  1  Those  who  are  most  beautifully  dressed  for 
shooting  are  always  the  least  skilful.  The  handsomest  game- 
bags  are  always  nearly  empty.  I  affirm  this  as  the  result  of 
constant  observation."  This  chapter  contains  some  admirably 
sound  advice  as  to  shooting  costume,  and  winds  up  in  true  French 
style  with  some  reflections  on  the  style  of  dress  that  best  fits  a 
man  to  win  the  affections  of  his  lady-love,  and  the  conversation 
which  is  best  calculated  to  charm  her.  "Relate  to  her,  here 
and  there,"  says  our  author,  quoting  a  friend  of  great  ex- 
perience, "some  adventure  in  which  you  have  miracu- 
lously escaped  death.  If  you  have  no  adventure,  •  manu- 
facture one.  Suppose  you  got  up  at  twelve  o'clock,  what  does 
it  matter?  Tell  her  that  you  have  spent  the  whole  morning 
on  your  horse  in  order  to  school  him,  a  matter  of  the  utmost 
difficulty,  seeing  that  the  horse  is  ungovernable.  Your  beast 
scarcely  ever  goes  beyond  a  walk,  and  can  only  be  induced  to 
trot  by  the  aid  of  your  whip.  Never  mind !  tell  her  that  it  has 
been  playing  you  tricks.  Season  your  story  with  many  details. 
Embroider,  always  embroider ;  and  endeavour  to  make  her  believe 
that  any  man  except  yourself  would  have  been  unseated." 

HERE,  for  the  present,  I  must  leave  M.  BLAZE,  but  I  hope  to 
take  him  up  again  next  week. 


THE  SULTAN'S  SOLILOQUY. 

BISMILLAH  !     One  more  "  Concert  of  the  Powers  "- 

The  Powers  of  Party — I  have  now  upset  1 
PRIMROSE  ?     Ahem  !     That  prettiest  of  flowers 

Will  now  look  yellow  with — ahem  ! — regret. 
BEACONSFIELD  loved  the  Primrose — in  a  way. 

Wonder  if  SALISBURY  now  shares  that  taste? 
Perhaps — just  now — I  should  not  like  to  say — 

GLADSTONE,  mine  enemy,  may  regret  his  haste. 
Or — can  it  be — to  the  Grand  Old  One's  whim, 
Like  Peter  Bell,  this  Primrose,  on  the  brim 
Of  Party  's  a  mere  Primrose  now,  to  him  ? 


At  the  Albert   Club. 

First  Member.  Me  and  my  Missus  run  over  to  Paris  to  see 
the  CZAR,  and 

Second  Member  (who  means  business).  'Ere,  'ARRY,  drop  the 
CZAR  and  let 's  come  to  the  Seizervitch ! 

[Motion  carried  nem.  con. 

AT  THE  ELYSfeE. 

American  Lady.  Say,  why  have  those  magnificent  footmen  got 
"F.  F."  on  their  buttons? 

American  Gentleman.  Out  of  compliment  to  the  CZAR.  Felici- 
tations Francaises,  of  course  I 


190 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER    17,    1896. 


ON  EST  PR  IE  DE 
NE  PAS  EVEILLER 
M.LE  PRESIDENT 


DESIGN     FOE,    A    FAURE-POSTKR,  ! 

In  which  the  President  may  sleep  off  the  fatigues  of  recent  exciting  scenes  in  Paris. 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

A  Betrothed  Swain  is  distressed  by  the  knowledge 
that  his  Fiancee,  a  damsel  of  rare  pedigree,  is 
familiarly  known  by  a  zoological  appellation. 

YOUR  family  is  one  whose  name 

Is  old  and  well-renowned ; 
Its  sons  are  always  known  to  fame 

The  British  empire  round; 
Its  daughters  have  by  Nature's  charm 

Moved  Puritans  to  tears. 
And  by  their  beauty  could  disarm 

Licentious  Cavaliers. 

To-day  prevails  the  self -same  grace; 

This  comeliness  is  fast  I 
So  surely  must  each  winsome  face 

Be  heirloom  of  the  past. 
Each  lad — of  him  why  sing  the  praise  ? 

He  does  not  need  my  word 
While  cutting  for  himself  the  bays 

By  vigour  of  his  sword  I 

In  short,  my  muse  could  never  tire 

To  sing  of  yours  and  you ; 
The  simplest  minstrel  might  aspire 

To  strike  a  chord  so  true! 
I  've  read  of  doughty  "  Digue-en-bac," 

Who  fought  with  CHARLES  MARTEL  1 
Of     HAROLD     nicknamed     "  Hack-and- 
Hack," 

At  Agincourt  who  fell. 

Such  heroes  went  from  sire  to  son, 

Like  stream  from  fountain  head 
For  ages,  once  the  race  begun, 

For  years  and  years  they  led ! 
So,  too,  their  ladies  music  made 

Through  centuries  of  crime, 
And  even  kings  have  disobeyed, 

Fair  mouarchs  of  their  time  I 
In  England,  as  they  did  in  France, 

Each  dame  or  damsel  shone 
At  court,  or  chase,  in  play  or  dance, 

A  goddess  and  alone. 
And  so  the  legend  runs  to-day, 

For  like  must  be  as  like ; 
And  you  can  hold  me  with  your  sway 

When  "  scorching  "  on  your  ''  bike  "  ! 

But  then,  there  always  is  a  fly 

Within  one's  cup  of  bliss, 
And  now  I  'm  going  to  do  or  die — 

My  statement  plain  is  this. 
Baptismally  your  name  is  JANE 

KATE  VIVIEN  1    Infra  dig. 
I  hear  you  called  witii  rage  and  pain 

By  all,  "  The  Guinea  Pig  "  I 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

IN  Sir  George  Tressady  (SMITH,  ELDER,  &  Co.),  Mrs.  HUMPHRY 
WARD  has  dealt  in  masterful  manner  with  a  difficult  task.  She  has 
for  her  dramatis  persona  appropriated  contemporary  personages, 
and  has  avoided  personalities.  My  Baronite  knows  (or  thinks 
he  knows)  the  principal  people  who  move  through  this  story.  Yet 
so  cunningly  are  the  colours  mixed,  so  deftly  is  a  left  hand 
moulded  on  a  figure  where  one  is  looking  for  the  familiar  right, 
that  Mrs.  HUMPHRY  WARD  is  justified  in  regarding  with  inno- 
cent stare  of  surprise  any  who  label  her  puppets  with  other 
names  than  those  she  pleases  to  hang  round  their  necks.  The 
closest  portraiture  is  that  of  Lord  RANDOLPH  CHURCHILL.  In 
physical  details  Mrs.  WARD  is  careful  to  make  Lord  Fontenoy 
unlike  the  original.  But  those  personally  acquainted  with  the 
Leader  of  the  Fourth  Party,  who  ended  by  being  Leader  of  the 
House  of  Commons,  recognize  how  faithful  is  the  study.  They 
will  remember  a  confession  Lord  RANDOLPH  was  rather  fond  of 
making  at  a  time  when  his  intimate  knowledge  of  public  affairs 
and  his  absolute  command  of  the  intricate  forms  of  House  of 
Commons  procedure  were  tho  marvel  of  mankind.  He  protested 
that  when  he  first  embarked  on  political  life  he  knew  nothing. 
"Absolutely  nothing,"  he  repeated,  clenching  one  hand,  and 
twirling  his  moustache  with  the  other.  "You  forget,"  says 
Mrs.  WARD'S  Lord  Fontenoy,  in  conversation  with  Sir  Greorge 
Tressady,  "that  I  learnt  nothing  either  at  school  or  college. 
When  you  left  England  the  only  financial  statement  I  could 


understand  was  a  betting-book.  I  knew  no  history,  except 
what  one  gets  from  living  among  people  who  have  been  making 
it.  I  could  not  understand  the  simplest  economical  argument, 
and  I  hated  trouble  of  all  kinds.  Nothing  but  the  toil  of  a 
galley  slave  could  have  enabled  me  to  do  what  I  have  done." 
There  is  our  dear  GRANDOLPH  to  the  life.  One  other  portrait, 
drawn  wJth  inimitable  skill,  is  a  pillar  of  the  Liberal  Party, 
who,  in  the  novel,  is  ticketed  Lord  Maxwell.  Here,  as  in  the 
case  of  Lord  Fontenoy  and  Lord  RANDOLPH  CHURCHILL,  points 
of  physical  identity  are  carefully  eschewed.  But  there  is  the 
earl  in  the  grand  simplicity  of  his  private  and  public  life.  These 
are  merely  sidelights  on  a  novel  cleverly  constructed,  admirably 
written,  abounding  in  human  interest. 

The  Oxford  University  Press  possesses,  and  liberally  employs, 
the  art   of  endowing  familiar    books    with  fresh    charm.     Mr. 

!  HENRY  FROWDE  has  taken  in  hand  the  Poets,  serving  them  up 
in  what  Mr.  GLADSTONE  used  to  call  three  courses.  There  is  an 

|  edition  of  one  volume,  excellently  printed,  neatly  bound,  and 
low  priced.  Another,  printed  upon  Oxford  India  paper,  hand- 
somely bound,  edges  luxuriously  gilt  over  red,  costs  more 
money.  Finally,  comes  a  gem  of  bookbinders'  and  printers'  art, 
a  miniature  edition  in  volumes  suitable  for  storage  in  the  waist- 
coat pocket,  yet  printed  in  type  that  makes  reading  easy.  The 
Oxford  SHAKSPEARB,  SCOTT,  LONGFELLOW,  WORDSWORTH,  and 
BYRON,  have  already  been  issued.  Now  we  have  the  Oxford  BURNS, 
the  whole  poetical  works  of  the  ploughman,  edited Jby^Mr.  LOGIE 
ROBERTSON.  Never  have  these  poeta  been  more  daintily  treated. 


OCTOBER  17,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


191 


A  WALLED  TOWN. 

EXTRACTS  FROM  THE  TRAVEL  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 
First  Sheet.— A  Patch  of  Old  France. 

Montreuil,  Monday. — A  rare  occasion  on  which  STERNE, 
pursuing  hia  Sentimental  Journey,  was  inclined  to  make  dis- 
agreeable rejoinder,  was  when,  standing  at  the  remise  door 
in  the  coach-yard  at  Calais,  the  Inquisitive  Traveller  volunteered 
the  information  that  Amiens  was  on  the  road  to  Paris.  If  he 
had  not  already  snubbed  the  monk  who  came  to  beg  alms,  he 
would  certainly  have  snapped  off  the  nose  of  his  inconsequential 
interlocutor. 

Hope  I  sha'n't  run  the  risk  of  being 
snubbed  if  I  observe  that  Montreuil  is  on 
the  road  to  Paris.  As  I  've  only  recently 
discovered  the  fact  I  venture  to  mention 
it  Hurrying  by  rail  between  Boulogne 
and  Paris,  we  pass  Montreuil  almost  with- 
in sight.  Never  look  for  it.  Probably  are 
not  aware  of  its  existence,  or  have  for- 
gotten it.  Yet  it  was  on  the  road  to  Paris 
long  before  Plantagenet  times,  when  King 
EDWARD  and  the  BLACK  PRINCE  ravaged 
Northern  France,  won  Crecy  and  Poictiers. 
In  quieter  days,  MART  Queen  of  Scots, 
journeying  from  Paris  to  Edinburgh,  slept 
a  night  at  Montreuil. 

Even  more  interesting  is  the  fact  that 
LAURENCE  STERNE  halted  here  at  an  early 
stage  of  his  Sentimental  Journey.  "  Mon- 
truil "  he  spells  it,  which  is  near  enough. 
SARK  and  I  are  staying  in  the  very  hotel 
at  which  YORICK  put  up,  and  where  he  en- 
gaged LA  FLETTR  as  body-servant.  The 
Hotel  de  France  has  probably  altered  little 
since  the  day  when  under  its  roof  LA 
FLETTR  unpacked  his  new  master's  six 
shirts  and  one  pair  of  silk  breeches.  There 
is  nothing  modern  about  the  place,  not 
even  blankets,  as  we  discovered  on  the 
first  night  of  our  sojourn.  For  all  bed- 
clothes there  was  a  sheet,  and  over  that  a 
wadded  coverlet,  weighing  something  less 
than  half-a-ton,  hoary  with  age,  impreg- 
nated with  the  dust  of  centuries.  Bath- 
room, of  course,  not  to  be  expected.  But 
in  an  hotel  one  does  look  for  a  sitting-room 
of  some  kind,  public  or  private.  Those 
were  luxuries  not  known  three  hundred 
years  ago,  when  the  hotel  first  opened  its 
doors  to  the  passing  stranger,  and  they 
have  not  been  superadded.  Across  the 
courtyard,  facing  the  kitchen,  is  a  room 
which  serves  for  breakfast,  lunch,  dinner, 
conversation,  reading,  and  smoking.  That 
has  for  three  centuries  met  the  wayfarer's 
need,  and  if  at  the  end  of  the  nineteenth 
he  wants  more  he  must  go  elsewhere. 

When  STERNE  engaged  LA  FLEUR  as  his 
body-servant  on  the  famous  journey 
through  France,  he  discovered  that  his 
main  qualifications  for  the  post  were  that 
he  could  beat  a  drum  and  make  spatter- 
dashes. MARIE,  to-day  the  maid  of  all 
work  at  the  Hotel  de  France,  is  as  bound- 
less in  range  of  domestic  capacity  as  LA 
FLETTR  was  limited.  She  does  every- 
thing but  cook.  That  important  func- 
tion is  performed  by  the  proprietress, 
a  lady  born  about  the  Waterloo  year 


wards  with  hands  full,  and  having  brought  in  the  various  dishes, 
serves  them  round.  The  exceptional  crowd  of  Saturday  brings 
no  extraneous  help.  MARIE  does  it  all,  and  we  just  wait  a 
little  longer  for  our  turn  to  come  round. 

"  And  do  you  get  good  wages  ?  "  SARK  asked  MARIE,  finding 
her  filling  up  a  spare  moment  by  flushing  and  sweeping  the  stony 
courtyard. 

"  Mais  oui,  m'sieur,"  said  MARIE,  proudly ;  "  seize  francs  par 
mots." 

Sixteen  francs  a  month  SARK  makes  out  to  be  something  less 
than  £8  a  year,  and  muses  sadly  over  the  details  of  his  own 
domestic  establishment. 

The  best  room  in  the  hotel  is  the  kitchen.     If  we  might  only 


fy«-  H/vy 


•»•»  rucuil.       «x^. 

^ 


with     a     profile 


curiously  reminiscent  of  DANTE,  a  nice  turn  for  making  an 
omelette,  and  perfect  inspiration  in  concocting  Potage  a  la 
bonne  femme.  MARIE  does  everything  else.  Is  head  waiter, 
only  chambermaid,  and,  I  suspect,  secretly  performs  the  func- 
tions of  boots. 

On  Saturday,  being  market  day,  there  is  a  midday  meal  called 
by  nous  outres  an  ordinary.  Farmers  flocking  in  from  the 
country  side  crowd  the  long  table.  It  seems  an  impossible 
thing  that  MARIE  should  bring  in  and  serve  to  the  six  or  eight 
people  living  in  the  hotel  the  successive  courses  of  dejeuner 
and  dinner.  The  difficulty  is  added  to  by  the  facts  that,  wet  or 
shine,  the  dishes  have  to  be  carried  across  the  court-yard,  and 
trays,  being  a  modern  invention,  have  not  yet  been  included 
in  the  furniture  of  our  hotel.  MARIE  trots  backwards  and  for- 


Courtyard  of  the  H6tel  de  France,  Montreuil. 

take  our  meals  there,  life  would  blossom  into  fairer  flowers. 
Low  roofed,  boldly  beamed,  the  firelight  playing  on  walls  flecked 
by  pewter  plates,  copper  dishes,  and  brass  utensils,  polished 
to  distraction,  it  is  as  charming  as  the  dining-room  is  desolate. 
But  we  must  needs  live  up  to  our  quality.  So  have  our  soup 
and  meat  brought  to  us  (usually  through  the  rain)  into  the  dank 
dining-room,  carpetless,  gloomy,  with  long,  unlovely  table  and 
unresting  chairs. 

Montreuil  is  one  of  the  oldest  bits  of  ancient  France.  Yet  its 
streets  present  little  that  is  striking  in  the  way  of  antiquity. 
This  is  doubtless  due  to  the  circumstance  that  the  town  has 
frequently  been  besieged,  and,  occasionally,  partly  demolished. 
There  are  only  fragments  left  of  anything,  including  three 
churches.  One  has  in  this  utilitarian  age  been  adapted  as  a 
fire-engine  station.  At  one  end  of  the  nondescript  building 


192 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  17,  1896. 


you  can  trace  the  beautiful  stone  work  of  a  window,  filled  up 
with  heartrending  bricks  and  mortar.  The  population  also 
seems  to  have  been  shot  away.  Save  on  market  day  there  is  a 
prevailing  ghastly  emptiness  about  the  streets. 

The  gjory  of  Montreuil  at  the  end  of  these  many  centuries 
is  its  imperishable  walls.  High  up  the  town  stands,  jutting 
suddenly  out  of  the  plain  of  Picardy.  Le  bon  Dieu  made  the 
mound,  some  two  miles  in  circumference.  Le  Diable  enclosed  it 
within  walls,  made  it  a  place  of  arms,  round  which  armies  have 
struggled  since  the  days  of  PHILIPPE  of  Anjou.  Here  and  there 
the  outer  case  of  the  wall  is  crumbling.  Its  broad  moat  is  a 
fat  fruit  garden.  Like  another  decayed  warrior,  Montreuil's 
helmet  is  now  a  hive  for  bees.  Its  lance  is  broken.  Its  sword 
is  rust.  But  the  massive  walls  still  frown  on  the  peaceful 
valley,  as  they  did  when  HENRY  THE  FIFTH  rode  by  them  on 
his  way  to  Agincourt,  and  when,  nearly  four  centuries  later, 
LAURENCE  STERNE  passed  out  of  the  gateway  to  come  upon  the 
dead  ass  at  Nampont. 

AUGUSTE  EN  ANGLETERRE. 

BRIGHTON. 

DEAR  MISTER, — I  hasten  myself  to  tell  to  you  the  excellent 
idea  of  my  brother  JULES.  He  has  written  to  me  from  Marseille, 
where  finds  himself  his  regiment  in  this  moment  here.  He  is 
captain,  the  brave  boy.  Eh  well,  he  writes  to  me  that,  having 
studied  the  english  language  au  fond,  and  being  now  in  voyage 
in  boy— en  garcon — I  should  to  write  a  guide  for  my  compatriots, 
who  visit  the  England.  La  bonne  idee !  En  voyage,  en  garcon. 
Enfin  enchante! 

Therefore,  I  propose  to  myself,  Mister  Punch,  to  visit  some 
ones  of  the  towns  of  your  country,  above  all  the  towns  fre- 
quented by  the  strangers.  I  will  write  my  notes,  and  of  time 
in  time — de  temps  en  temps — I  will  send  you  of  them.  Only, 
seen  that  I  am  neither  geographe  nor  literator,  these  notes  will  be 
but  the  first  impressions  of  a  stranger — the  instantaneous  blow 
of  the  eye  of  a  voyage  of  agreement. 

He  arrives  by  hazard  that  I  receive  the  letter  of  JULES  at 
Brighton.  It  is  an  excellent  occasion  of  to  commence  my  notes. 
I  have  already  spoken  of  some  parts  of  the  town.  To-day,  I 
visit  the  jetty,  the  "Ouestpir."  It  is  not  bad.  In  effect  one 
could  to  walk  himself  there  with  much  of  agreement,  if  only  the 
air  was  calm.  Ah  but,  this  wind  of  Brighton!  On  the  jetty  I 
find  him  insupportable.  Therefore  I  go  myself  away,  and  after 
a  little  walk  towards  the  west  I  arrive  to  some  pelouses  in  the 
town  of  Hove,  where  an  assembly  of  persons  very  well  put,  tres- 
bien  mises,  walk  themselves  around  of  a  military  music.  It  is 
not  excessively  gay,  but  it  is  very  as  he  must,  tres  comme  il  faut, 
and  absolutely  correct.  Again,  if  the  air  was  calm !  But  by  a 
such  wind,  holding  firmly  his  hat,  bouscule,  almost  bouleverse,  is 
it  that  even  an  English  can  to  be  absolutely  correct  ?  The  hurri- 
canes of  Brighton  can  even  to  disturb  the  calm  of  your  com- 
patriot*. And  of  same  the  hurricanes  of  Hove.  For  the  two 
towns,  which  have  the  air  of  to  be  one  sole,  have  nothing  in 
common,  except  the  air — the  hurricanes.  I  have  heard  to 
speak  of  the  quarrels  between  the  two,  veritable  storms  in  a 
cup  of  tea.  All  lately  the  english  journals  tell  us  how  many 
hours  of  sun  there  has  had  at  Brighton,  as  at  Westminster.  It 
astonishes  me  that  the  duration  of  bright  sun  at  Hove  is  not 
registered  separately.  It  is  incredible  that  two  towns,  thus 
divided,  should  share  one  record  of  sun.  He  wants  of  it  two. 
Above  all  at  present,  when  one  sees  almost  not  one  sole  ray  of 
sun  either  at  Brighton  or  at  Hove  ! 

While  that  I  hear  the  music,  suddenly  the  rain  rebegins.  And 
see  there  all  the  ladys  and  misses,  so  well  dressed  in  robes  so 
gay  and  so  charming,  are  obliged  of  to  run,  to  throw  themselves 
into  the  lugubrious  interior  of  the  "  fly  "  of  Brighton — ah  no, 
of  Hove,  but  it  is  the  same  thing ! — and  in  fine  when  there  are 
no  more  of  "  flys  "  to  seek  a  shelter  at  the  door  of  a  house.  And 
in  England  you  have  not  the  coach  door,  la  porte  cochere,  and 
by  consequence  there  is  not  much  of  shelter.  Me  also,  having 
yielded  to  some  ladys  the  "  fly  "  which  I  had  caught,  I  refuge  my- 
self under  a  portal.  It  is  a  droll  of  road  at  Hove,  two  roads, 
twins,  separated  by  railings  of  iron.  At  Brighton  there  is  one 
wide  road  at  border  of  the  sea,  but  at  Hove  there  is  of  them  two. 
They  love  the  railings  of  iron  at  Hove.  They  are  very  droll  and 
very  stupid,  those  railings  there.  But  in  fine  perhaps  I  prefer 
Hove,  although  the  grass  grows  in  the  deserted  avenues  so 
ridiculously  wide.  At  least  one  finds  not  there  a  melancholy 
Campo  Santo  in  cast-iron,  or  a  ruined  jetty,  as  at  Brighton. 

That  evening  there  I  resolve  to  make  le  lendemain  a  little  ex- 
cursion outside  of  the  town.  I  regard  my  map  and  the  journal. 
There  is  some  excursions  in  steamboat.  Bah !  By  a  such  wind, 


A    POSER. 

"FARMERS  ALWAYS  GRUMBLING  ?  WELL,  SUPPOSIN' YOUR  PIGS  WERE 
DOWN  wi'  TH'  FEVER,  AN'  YOUR  SHEEP  HAD  GOT  TH'  INFLUENZA,  IF 
TOUR  CROPS  WERE  DROWNDED  IN  EIGHTEEN  INCHES  O'  WATER,  AN* 
YOUR  RENT  WERE  OVERDUE  —WHAT  WOULD  YOU  DO  ? " 

"  I  ?    I  *D  GIVE  IT  UP  AND  START  A  GOLF  CLUB  !" 


by  blue !  Ah  non,  merci !  The  remembrance  of  the  traversy 
from  Calais  to  Dovers  suffices  me.  There  is  some  excursions  in 
bicycle.  Again,  no!  There  is  for  that  too  much  of  wind  and 
too  much  of  rain.  It  rains,  as  one  says  in  english,  the  cats  and 
the  dogs.  It  is  therefore  very  appropriate  that  I  see  now  the 
announces  of  a  "Dog  Show."  It  wants  but  an  exhibition  of 
cats  for  to  show  us  all  that  which  has  fallen  from  the  sky.  Then 
there  is  some  excursions  to  a  certain  place  called  the  "  Devil's 
Dyke,"  a  hole  in  the  hills.  But  how  a  hole  can  he  to  be  a  dyke, 
une  digue  ?  It  is  an  error.  It  wishes  to  say  "  Devil's  Dig,"  that 
which  the  devil  has  dug,  creuse.  Eh  well,  is  it  that  he  is  worth 
the  pain  of  to  make  a  voyage  on  the  hills,  in  a  "  fly  "  of  Brighton, 
by  a  such  wind,  for  to  see  a  hole,  even  a  great  hole  ?  Again, 
no !  Ca  ne  vaut  pas  le  diabk ! 

In  fine  the  excursions  in  railway.  If  I  was  at  Nice,  and  that 
he  was  falling  of  the  rain  so  continually — that  which  would  be 
impossible  at  Nice — I  would  file,  filerais,  direct  upon  Monte 
Carlo.  It  is  not  that  I  love  the  play,  for  I  lose  alldays,  but  in 
fine  I  amuse  myself  to  regard  the  players,  and  if  one  loses  a 
louis — eh  well,  one  is  not  ruined !  But  near  to  Brighton  one 
finds  not  a  Monte  Carlo.  Tiens!  See  there  on  the  map  a  town, 
at  almost  the  same  distance,  also  on  the  sea,  Vorting.  No, 
Worhthing.  Parfaitement !  C'est  bien  ca,  that  is  well  that.  To- 
morrow to  Worhthing.  Agree,  &c.,  AUGUSTS. 

THE  Daily  Graphic,  last  Saturday,  showed  the  CZAR,  CZARITZA, 
with  M.  and  Madame  FAURE,  standing  in  front  of  the  Royal  Box 
at  the  Come'die  Fran9aise.  The  title  of  the  picture  ought  to  have 
been  "  Faure  in  a  row."  There  is  no  orchestra  at  the  Francaise, 
otherwise  the  overture,  in  honour  of  the  President  and  his  wife, 
should  have  been  in  "Two  Faure  time." 


FROM  AN  IRATE  HOUSEHOLDER. — A  consistent  believer  in  the 
main  chance.     The  gas  company's  inspector. 


OCTOBER  24,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


193 


EVERY    POISON    HAS    ITS    ANTIDOTE. 


COMMON  OR  GARDEN  RHYMES. 

A  SUMMER-HOUSE  BALLADE. 

DAMP,  dismal,  dirty  place  to  wait, 
If  sun  or  shower  too  fiercely  beat, 

Where  draughts  in  spring-time  penetrate 
Yet  not  a  breeze  in  summer's  heat- 
In  storm  or  sunshine  all  unmeet 

A  bower  for  whispered  lovers'  vows. 
If  your  AMANDA  you  would  greet, 

I  cannot  praise  the  Summer-house. 

If,  having  won  a  tete-a-tete, 

You  'd  fain  evade  pursuing  feet, 

Remember  Mr.  Tupman's  fate, 

And  where  he  sought  retirement  sweet 
Then  choose  some  more  strategic  seat, 

If  you  possess  the  smallest  nous, 
One  that  ensures  a  safe  retreat — 

I  cannot  praise  the  Summer-house. 

And  whether  old,  or  "  up-to-date," 

"With  all  conveniences  replete," 
I  hold  it,  in  whatever  state, 

A  snare,  delusion :  and  deceit ; 

Outside  though  picturesque  or  neat, 
Inside  it  smells  of  mould  and  mouse, 

A  whited  sepulchre,  a  cheat — 
I  cannot  praise  the  Summer-house. 

Envoi. 
Unpleasant  haunt  where  you  may  meet 

With  earwig,  spider,  sylvan  louse, 
And  slug  and  beetle — I  repeat, 

I  cannot  praise  the  Summer-house. 


Trafalgar  Day. 

(At  the  Board  School.) 

Teacher.  Now  can  any  boy  tell  me  why 
Nelson's  Column  was  erected  in  Trafalgar 
Square  ? 

Johnny  Grimes  (immediately).  Please, 
Sir,  to  'elp  'im  up  to  'eaven,  when  'e  died 
in  the  arms  of  the  Wictory. 


A  BEATT-STKEET  AXIOM. — 77  faut  souffrir 
pour  e'tre  BELL. 


PROVINCIAL    SKETCHES. 

No.  VI.— OUR  PHILOSOPHER. 

LONG  beard,  long  locks,  wild  and  unkempt — a  tawny,  tangled 

mane, 

An  ancient  coat  grown  greeny-grey  by  years  of  sun  and  rain, 
Hands  crossed  on  back,  brow  creased  with  thought,  eyes  fixed 

upon  the  far, 

He  slowly  moves  and  meditates  upon  the  things  that  are. 
There  is  a  philosophic  lurch  about  his  wayward  feet, 
A  spirituous  odour,  too,  is  wafted  down  the  street, 
And  when  he  murmurs  to  himself  his  utterance  is  thick, 
And  punctuated  freely,  very  freely,  with  a  hie! 
"Time,   Shpache  and  Time!    Wlhash  Time?  shays  KANT.    We 

know  it  a  priori? 
Then  whash  the  good  of  clock  up  there  ?     No,  no,  KANT  1     Thash 

a  story  1 
dono   Time — whash  more,    don'  care.     If  tishn't   night,   itsh 

day, 

And  if  itsh  t'other  way  about,  itsh  round  the  other  way. 
Whash  Shpache?     I  passed  the  'Shtar'  jush  now,  and  here 'sh 

the  ole  'Cross  Keysh.' 
Rum  thing!     Dem  queer! — Yesh,  yesh,  my  dear,  my  usual,  if 

you  pleashe. 
Your  health,    Missh  KITTY  1     Wish  you   joy !     And  blesh   your 

pretty  fache! 
And  tellush   whashu   think  of    Mishter    KANT    on    Time    and 

Shpache  ? 
What!     Never  heard  the  genlman?     Lose  no   time,  then,    for 

you'll  find— 
I'd   swear   it   wimme    dyin'  breath — that    KANT  'sha  Mashter- 

mind! 

I  Ve  read  him  dayanni',  KITTY,  for  five-and-twenty  year ; 
I  Ve  read  him  drunk  on  whishky,  and  I  Ve  read  him  drunk  on 

beer; 


I've  read  him  backwards,  forwards,  and  in  all  the  beggar's  rant 
There  'sh  not  a  word  I  undershtand  I     A  Mashter-mind  is  KANT  ! 
He  knows  Time  a  priori— *ho  he  shays.     Why,  then,  aln . 
KANT'sh   clever    man,    dem    clever!     'Fact,    a    Mashter-mind, 

Put  him"  'side  me.     There  'sh  clock,  you  shee,  stuck  up  behind 

the  bar. 

Now  I  can't  even  shay  for  shure  how  many  hand  shere  are. 
At  firshight,  shpeaking  roughly,  I  should  think  there  sh  three 

or  four, 

But  when  I  shtudy  queshtion  there  'sh  considerably  more. 
I  can't  tell  Time ;   but  KANT  knowsh  Time  without  a  blessed 

By  shimple  appercepshun  or  shome  transhendental  bosh. 

Ish  wonderful !     Mosh  wonderful !     That  feller  KANT  'sh  a  bnck ! 

Take  my  advice  and  read  him.     He 'sh  a  good  ole  Mashter — 

hie  I 
Yesh,    laishangemmen,     whash    is    Man?     A    phnomenon — no 

more! 

He  strutsh  his  hour  upon  the  shtage,  and  then  his  day  is  o  er. 
You're  nothing  but  a  ph'nomenon  in  Time  and  Shpache,  Miss 

KITTY. 
Dem  jolly  ph'nommen,  too!    Jesh  wish  the  resh  were  all  ash 

pretty  1 
He's      ph'nomenon!         She's      ph'nomenon!         And      I'm    a 

phommen,  too  1 

All  ph'nomena  together,  laishangemmen,  I  and  you ! 
Thash   KANT,    and   sho   ish   true!     Don't  think  I'm  trying  to 

amuse  you  all. 
Ish   firsh-rate  phloshphy! — Thank  you,   dear!     Another   of   my 

11  fiii  nil" 


usual ! 


t  SONG  or  THE  PROMOTED  PEER. — Baron  to  bed  and  Early  to 
rise. 

MOTTO  FOR  THE  CZAR. — Bear  and  FATJRE  bear. 


VOL.    CXI. 


194 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  24,  1896. 


OCTOBER  24,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


195 


VI— A^*-* 


'*«7*  '^yfr^<c,  «W«''W'T ,  • 

*^*  \~  w/^. 


DAMAGED    GOODS. 

Sportsman  (invited  to  help  shoot  some  bucks  in  Mr.  Meanman's  park,  and  has  just  knocked  one  over}.  "  BY  JOVE  !  WHAT  A  LOVELY  HEAD  ! 

YOU  MUST  LET   ME  HAVE  THAT  FOR  MOUNTING." 

Mr.  Meanman  (frightfully  indignant).  "WHAT!  CUT  HIS  HEAD  OFF!    WHY,  MAN,  IT  WOULD  RUIN  THE  SALE  OF  THE  CARCASE!" 


THE  NEW  NIMROD. 

[Mr.  FAT  O'BuiEN,  M.P.,  was  first  in  at  the 
death  the  other  day  with  the  Meath  Hounds  on  his 
bhycle,  and  was  presented  with  the  brush.] 

AIR—  "The  Hunting  Day." 

"  WHAT  a  fine  hunting  day  "  — 

'Tis  an  old-fashioned  lay 
That  I  '11  change  to  an  up-to-date  pome  : 

Old  stagers  may  swear 

That  the  pace  isn't  fair, 
But  they  're  left  far  behind  us  at  home  • 
See  cyclists  and  hikes  on  their  way, 
And  scorchers  their  prowess  display  ; 

Let  us  join  the  glad  throng 

That  goes  wheeling  along, 
And  we  '11  all  go  a-hunting  to-day  ! 

New  Nimrods  exclaim, 

"  Timber-topping  "  is  tame, 
And  "  bull-finches  "  simply  child's  play  ; 

And  they  don't  care  a  jot 

For  a  gallop  or  trot, 
Though  they  will  go  a-hunting  to-day. 
There's  a  Fox  made  of  clockwork,  they 


They  '11  wind  him  and  get  him  away  ; 

He  runs  with  a  rush 
^  On  rails  with  his  brush, 
S.>  we  must  go  and  chase  him  to-day. 

We  Ve  abolished  the  sounds 
Of  the  horn  and  the  hounds  — 

Tis  the  bicycle  squeaker  that  squeals, 

And  the  pack  has  been  stuffed, 
^  Or  sent  to  old  CRUFT, 

Now  the  huntsmen  have  taken  to  wheels  \ 


Hairy  country  no  more  we  essay, 
Five  bars,  too,  no  longer  dismay, 

For  we  stick  to  the  roads 

In  the  latest  of  modes, 
So  we  '11  bike  after  Reynard  to-day ! 


MUSICAL  HONOUES. 

To  all  whom  it  may  concern.  Com 
mander-in-Chief  PUNCH  begs  to  notify 
that  Lieutenant  DAN  GODFREY  retires 
from  the  Grenadier  Guards  with  the  well- 
earned  baton  of  a  musical  Field-Marshal. 
Commander-in-Chief  PUNCH  also  wishes 
it  to  be  understood  that  Lieutenant  DAN 
GODFREY  is  henceforth  entitled  to  wear 
the  decoration  (First  Class)  of  the  high 
and  mighty  Order  of  the  Merry  Minstrel. 
Furthermore.  Commander-in-Chief  PUNCH 
desires  to  snake  hands  literally  with  a 
gallant  officer,  whose  attack  has  always 
Been  unrivalled  on  the  field  of  instru- 
mental battle,  and  to  wish  him  many 
years  of  melodious  engagement.  F.  M. 
DAN  GODFREY  is  the  last  man  in  the  world 
to  blow  his  own  trumpet,  so  Commander- 
in-Chief  PUNCH  does  it  for  him. 


A  WORD  TO  FRENCH  WISEACRES  WITH 

REGARD    TO    OtfT  OCCUPATION    OF   EGYPT. — 

Remember  the  excellent  Marshal 
MACMAHON'S  saying,  "  J'y  suis,  fy  reste." 
Our  rest  is  also  our  cue  at  this  game  of 
Pyramids.  

RESULT  OF  THE  CAB-STRIKE. — That  many 
handsome  drivers  have  become  growlers. 


A  New  Name  for  Party  "  Leaders." 

(By  a  Disgusted  "  Follower") 

LEADERS,   quotha?     Why,  the  prospect's 

infernal ! 

The  Party  's  becoming  increasingly  like 
Aa  ill-managed,  scrappy,  political  journal. 
We're  edited— badly— but  led?     Why,  a 

strike 
Is  conducted  with  far  more  decorum  and 

dignity. 
Masterdom  's  not  to   be   hoped  for,    of 

course ; 
But  when  we  find  neither  strong  will  nor 

benignity, 

How  shall  we  hope  for  cohesion  or  force  ? 
Swashbuckler,  Laodicean  seceder — 

Parties  are  not  to  be  managed  in  pets ! 
We  're  like  potshot  papers,  with  never  a 

leader, 
Though  any  number  of  leaderettes. 


Trafalgar,  October  21,  1805. 

[The  Right  Hon.  ARETAS  AKERS-DOUGLAS,  born 

1851.] 

GLORY  and  honour  to  NELSON, 
Who     the     French     and     the     Spaniards 

whipped ! 

And  in  "  BOB  AKERS,"  *  too, 
Let  each  honest  True  Blue 
Toast  a  whip  that  has  never  been  clipped ! 
*  Mr.  AKERS-DOUGLAS'S  nickname  at  Eton. 


SOCIAL  PURITY  LADIES. — Those  who  try 
to  collect  dirt  at  the  music  halls.  Tea 
leaves  not  wanted  for  sweeping  reforms. 


196 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  24,  1896. 


A    WALLED    TOWN. 

EXTRACTS  FROM  THK  TRAVEL  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 
PAGE  II. — A  Blotch  of  Modern  France. 

MontreuU,  Monday. — Standing  on  the  walls  when  the  sun 
has  gone  down,  looking  westward,  one  catches  sight,  on  far 
horizon,  of  a  couple  of  lights,  so  near  together  that,  to  SABK'S 
fanciful  mind,  they  suggest  the  eyes  of  a  tiger  watching  us 
through  the  gloom.  They  are,  in  truth,  the  beams  of  the  twin 
lighthouses  on  the  coast  by  the  mouth  of  the  Canche.  Why  two 


Le  Sportsman. 

10  one  knows.  There  is  nothing  like  them  on  any  coast.  Apart 
rom  duality,  they  are  cosily  built,  well  inshore.  Instead  of 
Jieir  base  being  sea-washed  they  are  set  in  pleasant  gardens, 
where  are  grown  the  best  pears  for  miles  round. 

Between  them  and  the  sea  there  ia  space  for  a  watering-place. 
Paris-Plage  it  is  called.  VILLEMESSANT,  the  creator  of  the 
Paris  Figaro,  gave  it  this  name,  and  it  has  stuck  ever  since. 
5ood  Parisians  before  they  die  buy  a  patch  of  sandy  soil  near 
;he  twin  lighthouses,  and  build  their  souls  a  lordly  pleasure- 
louse.  These  are,  for  the  most  part,  fantastic  monstrosities,  the 
structure  budding  forth  in  all  kinds  of  excrescences.  Balconies 
;hat  will  hold  nobody ;  pillars  that  uphold  nothing ;  towers  so 
unwieldy  as  to  threaten  to  bring  the  whole  building  down ;  bits 
)f  coloured  glass  wherever  they  can  be  stuck.  Each  proprietaire 
urther  shows  his  independence  by  building  his  house  at  an  angle 
obtrusively  corner-wise  to  his  neighbour's.  The  general  effect 
s  as  if  the  ginger-bread  contrivances  had  been  shaken  out  of  a 
Jrobdingnagian  pepper-box,  and  left  where  they  had  fallen.  But 
they  please  their  owners,  and  that,  after  all,  is  their  main 
object. 

Monsieur,  Madame,  et  Bebe  come  down  in  the  season,  bathe 
in  the  newest  costumes,  lounge  about  the  beach,  grow  ruddy 


and  brown,  and  believe  they  are  having  a  high  old  time.  Some 
of  them  are  mighty  Nimrods.  When  I  was  last  here,  in  the 
summertime,  I  was  much  struck  with  a  Monsieur  who  strolled 
about  the  place  from  morn  till  eve  armed  cap-a-pie  for  la  chasse. 
A  gun  was  slung  round  his  shoulder.  A  warlike  belt,  scarce 
concealing  a  liberal  supply  of  cartridges,  girt  his  portly  waist. 
He  wore  a  velvet  coat  and  waistcoat,  corduroy  trousers,  thick- 
soled  boots,  and  a  very  large  bag  to  bring  home  his  game. 

As  far  as  close  observation  went,  he  never  shot  any  thing, not  even 
the  postman.  When  he  was  not  drinking  petits  verres  or  smoking 
cigarettes  in  front  of  the  cafe,  he  haunted  the  beach,  sometimes 
going  down  to  the  water's  edge.  This  suggested  to  me  at  the 
time  the  suspicion  that  he  shot  shrimps. 

By  chance,  to-day,  his  secret  was  disclosed.  Walking  through 
the  pine-woods  at  the  back  of  Paris-Plage,  we  came  upon  a  small 
clearing.  At  one  side  of  it  was  what,  at  first  sight,  looked  like 
the  top  of  a  well.  There  was  a  wooden  cover,  some  three  feet 
broad  by  five  long.  This,  we  learned,  was  our  gallant  chasseur's 
happy  hunting  ground.  Hither  he  came,  in  the  gloaming  01 
early  morning,  with  his  game-bag  half  full  of  succulent  cabbage 
leaves.  These  he  spread  about  at  the  further  edge  of  the  clear- 
ing. Then,  with  stealthy  step,  he  withdrew  to  the  wooden  box, 
lifted  up  the  lid,  and  dropped  into  a  carefully-dug  pit,  closing 
the  lid  upon  himself. 

"  For  all  the  world,"  SABK  says,  "  like  IKVING  doing  lachimo 
in  Imogen's  bedroom." 

The  front  part  of  the  lid  does  not  close  level  with  the  ground, 
thus  not  only  supplying  the  sportsman  with  light  and  air,  but 
leaving  loophole  through  which  the  muzzle  of  the  gun  projects. 
Presently  the  rabbits  come  to  feed  on  the  cabbage-leaves,  and  the 
noble  sportsman  lets  fly. 

Ah,  le  beau  sport!  Here  is  its  sublimation.  SABK,  like  the 
late  TBOCHTT,  has  a  plan.  He  notices  that  the  padlock 
lies  on  the  top  of  the  lid.  Good.  Next  season  he  will  repair 
to  Paris-Plage,  will  stalk  the  noble  sportsman.  When  he 
has  settled  himself  in  his  pit  and  pulled  down  the  lid,  SABK  will 
advance  on  tip-toe  from  the  wood  behind,  will  quietly  turn  the 
key  in  the  padlock,  and  will  withdraw,  leaving  the  noble  sports- 
man to  enjoy  an  unexpectedly  prolonged  opportunity  of  making 
a  bag. 

In  the  meantime,  SABK  does  not  want  the  thing  mentioned. 
Premature  disclosure  of  the  plan  might  prove  destructive  of  its 
full  success. 

SHYNESS  PAST  AND  PRESENT. 

THE  OLD  STYLE. 
PLACE—  Anywhere.      CHARACTERS — He  and  She.     TIME —  Yesterday. 

He.  Forgive  me  for  addressing  you,  but  I  believe  we  were 
introduced  to  one  another  by  your  parents. 

She.  Yes,  with  the  sanction  of  my  grandmother. 

He.  So  you  will  pardon  me  for  taking  a  seat  next  you. 

She.  I  should  be  sorry  to  see  you  ill  at  ease,  especially  as  you 
lave  secured  the  esteem  of  my  relatives.  My  uncle  JOHN  holds 
you  in  great  regard. 

He.  I  am  delighted  to  hear  you  say  so;  but,  disregarding 
your  uncle  JOHN  (with  infinite  respect),  I  am  most  anxious  to 
obtain  your  own  goodwill.  I  am  sure  you  will  give  it  to  me. 

She.  I  am  afraid  that  our  acquaintance  has  been  so  short — I 
mve  only  known  you  for  the  last  five  years. 

He.  But  surely  that  is  sufficiently  long  a  period  to  get  some 
dea  of  my  character!  Pray  answer  me. 

She.  I  am  so  shy. 

He.  Then  permit  me  to  give  you  a  few  moments  for  reflection. 
Vlay  I  light  a  cigarette  ? 

She.  Tobacco  I     I  would  far  prefer  to  hear  you  play  the  guitar. 

THE  NEW  STYLE. 
PLACE — The  same.     CHARACTERS — The  same.    TIME — To-day. 

He.  I  say,  we  don't  want  an  introduction,  eh  ? 

She.  Why,  no !     Fancy,  too,  we  have  met  before  ! 

He.  Dare  say.     Guvnor  and  Mater  know  an  odd  lot. 

She.  So  does  my  grandmother! 

He.  Got  room  for  me,  beside  you  ? 

She.  Rather.  Hate  to  see  a  man  looking  like  a  cod-fish,  as 
uncle  JACK  says. 

He.  Bother  uncle  JACK!     Want  you  to  think  well  of  me. 

She.  Think  well  of  you !     Why,  I  scarcely  know  you  1 

He.  Nonsense.  You  have  been  chatting  with  me  for  at  least 
ive  minutes!  Come,  out  with  it. 

She.  I  am  so  shy. 

He.  Then  I  will  give  you  a  pause  for  reflection.  How  would 
ou  like  a  tune  on  the  banjo  ? 

She.  Music  1     I  would  far  sooner  join  you  in  a  cigar ! 


OCTOBER  24,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


197 


MISS  TWIDDY  ON  MODERN  SHYNESS. 

[The  Daily  Telegraph  has  "  opened  its  columns  "  to  a  discussion  upon  the 
startling  question  "  Why  are  People  Shy  ?  "J 

DEAR  MISTER  PUNCH, — I  'm  confident  an  error  worse  than  clerical 

Has  crept  into  the  statement  of  this  interrogatory. 
I'm  shy;  I  always  have  been,  to  the  verge  of  the  hysterical, 
Which  I   was   taught,    x   years   ago,    was   a  young  maiden's 

glory. 
I  'm  hushful,    and  I  'm    blushful,    as   I  was    when    young    and 

mittenish, — 
For  mittens  in  my  girlhood  were  the  ensigns  of  the  modest 

ones, — 
But  now  that  all  the  maids  seem  fast    and    all    the    matrons 

kittenish, 
This  query  strikes  me,  truly,  as  the  oddest  of  the  oddest  ones ! 

My  sainted  mother  taught  me  a  Mimosa-like  timidity 

Was  maidenhood's  bewitchingest,  most  captivating  quality  ; 
But  now  it  seems  regarded  as  the  height  of  insipidity, 

And  rigorously  excluded  from  the  scheme  of  virgin  polity. 
To  blush,  to  lower  eyelids,  and  to  twiddle  with  one's  toes  about 

The  pattern  of  the  carpet  in  a  fashion  feebly  fluttery, 
Is  now  a  mark  of  mawkishness  that  nothing  useful  knows  about, 

The  stamp  of  school-girl  silliness  absurd  and  bread-and-buttery .  j 

Now  girls  are  bold  as — brass  knobs,  and  as  cool  as  any  icicle. 
To  ask  why  they  are  shy,  then,  these  young  "  misses  "  imper- 
turbable 
Who  smoke,  and  put  on  knickers — oh!!! — and,  yes,  bestride  a 

bicycle, 

And  are,  in  short,  emancipate,  smart,  up-to-date,  uncurbable, 
Is  really  most  preposterous  1     As  well  ask  why  a  porcupine 

Is  sleek  and  saponaceous  1     If  you  share  the  modern  girlishness, 
To  emulate  the  masculine  in  play  as  well  as  work  you  pine, 
In  billiards  as  in  business,  evening  "nips,"  and  early-purl- 
ishnessl 

Shy  ?     Goodness   gracious ! — Only   they  Ve  small   goodness   and 

scant  graciousness, 

These   girls,   whose   "naked  egos"  are    now    advertised    ob- 
trusively— 
That 's  a  "  psychologic  phrase,"  although  suggestive  of  "  owda- 

ciousness  " 

To    those    whose    early    training   left  them   "  ladylike "  ex- 
clusively— 

Amidst  the  modes  and  phrases,  manly  customs,  unsexed  crazes, 
Of — my  nieces  and  their  "  she-pals."     I  feel  "  shy,"  and  even 

giddy; 

But  to  apply  that  word  to  them — as  poets  do  to  daisies — 
Fits — well,  like  "  up-to-date  "  applied  to,  Yours, 

MATILDA  TWIDDY. 


DARBY  JONES  NATURALLY  ELATED. 

HONOURED  SIR, — Was  I  right  over  the  Cesare witch  or  was  I 
not?  Did  I  give  the  straight  tip  or  did  I  not?  Are  your 
readers  not  now  rolling  in  gold  or  are  they  not  ?  These  three 
plain  and  simple  questions  are  best  answered  by  Fact.  Yes, 
Sir,  in  giving  them  St.  Bris  I  laid  low,  but  came  out  at  ten 
to  one.  Is  there  any  prophet  in  the  United  Kingdom,  who 
could  boast  of  the  same  record  ?  I  am  well  assured  that  not  one 
was  in  it  with  yours  truly,  and  I  am  confident  that  you  your- 
self, mistrusting  the  advice  of  some  gutter-snipe  of  the  turf,  did 
not  plank  your  hard-earned  doubloons  on  a  rank  impostor  like 
Phozbus  Apollo,  a  disreputable  towel-horse,  whom  I  never  even 
named  in  my  diplomatic  despatch  to  your  Napoleonic  columns. 
But  my  second  string,  Piety,  was  fourth,  and  under  other  circum- 
stances might  have  run  third.  I  was  truly  glad  to  see  the 
Prince  of  WALES  in  time  to  salute  the  Ditch — "Ditch  dien" 
ought  to  be  H.R.H.'s  motto — Lord  ROSEBERY  seemed 
none  the  worse  for  his  discrepancy  (a  political  word  of  mine 
own)  with  the  Ill-Liberal  party.  The  Duke  of  WESTMINSTER, 
despite  the  coloured  collars,  which  he  insists  upon  wearing  like 
the  late  Duke  of  HAMILTON,  is  always  above  the  dead  level  of 
Armenian  atrocities,  and  made  the  Duke  of  CAMBRIDGE  smile 
with  his  anecdotes  of  Rampion,  who  would  not  take  his  little 
bit  between  his  teeth  for  the  Duke  of  York  Stakes  at  Kempton 
Park. 

Newmarket  always  reminds  me  of  the  Maze  at  Hampton 
Court.  You  never  know  where  the  races  begin  or  end.  I  love 
the  stewards  of  the  Jockey  Club  for  their  lightheartedness  in 
this  respect  even  more  than  I  respect  their  determination  that 
no  one  but  the  judge  can  possibly  find  the  winner  up  the  hill. 


V'l 


Mamma.  ''THERE!  I'VE  DRAWN  A  DEAR  LITTLE  DOG,  A  DICKY- 
BIRD, A  PUSSY  CAT,  AND  A  PIGGY-WIGGY  ;  WHAT  WOULD  YOU  LIKE 
ME  TO  DRAW  NOW  ?  " 

Effie  (after  due  consideration).  "A  LITTLE  GIRL  BEING  RUN  OVER 
BY  A  CARRIAGE  AND  PAIR  !  " 


When  a  man-backer  (I  take  no  count  of  females)  thinks  that  his 
own  particular  fancy  has  done  the  trick?  lo  and  behold  the 
number  of  some  despicable  quadruped,  which  has  been  actually 
crawling  beside  the  Birdcage  is  hoisted  on  the  board  1  Can  such 
things  be,  and  a  man  afford  new  socks  for  the  winter?  I  know 
not.  Nevertheless,  with  my  pockets  moderately  garnished  with 
a  saintly  benefaction  I  hope  to  brave  the  "battle  and  the 
breeze  "  of  Christmas.  In  your  esteemed  wire  you  ask  "  Have 
you  anything  good  for  the  Cambridgeshire  ?  "  Yes,  Sir,  I  have 
at  present  the  name  of  the  animal,  which  shall  not  be  revealed. 
Suffice  it  to  say  that  the  prize  shall  not  go  East  or  West  or 
North,  but  South,  in  the  humble  opinion  of 

Your    fervent    admirer,  DARBY    JONES. 

P.S. — At    Newmarket,    always  expect    to   meet    "  loo-sers." 
Verb.  sap.  

O.  K.     (By  'Arry.) 

0.  K.  indeed  1     That 's  tidy  cheek,  I  say ! 

That  clever  Roosian  lydy  they  may  call  so. 
(For  OLGA  NOVIKOFP  is  dubbed  O.  K.) 
But  she  attempts  to  prove,  in  'er  sly  way, 

That  Roosian  Policy  is  O.  K.  also ! 
She 's  orful  hartf ul  and  a  stunning  talker, 
But  when  she  sez  O.  K.,  wy,  I  sez  "  Walker !  " 


NEW  NAME  FOR  SAME  THING. — It  is  proposed  for  the  name  of 
"Dynamite"  to  substitute  that  of  "Tynamite."  This  informa- 
tion does  not  come  from  France. 


The  Sultan's  Proverbial  Philosophy. 

THOUGH  England  on  "humanity"  greatly  dwells, 
Give  her  an  inch,  she  '11  take  the  Dardanelles  1 


198 


PtJNCli,    OR    T^HB    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  24,  1896. 


THE    LAST    CONGRATULATION. 

Fair  Guest  (who,  having  had  a  desperate  flirtation  tmth  the  Bridegroom  a  short  time  ago,  wouldn  t  be  absent  from  the  Ceremony  on  any 
account).  "WELL,  ALGEY,  IT'S  ALL  OVER  now!    AREN'T  YOU  PLEASED?"  [Uncomfortable  position  of  Algey. 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

FOB  a  clearly-told  and  alluringly-excit- 
ing story,  which  can  be  read  within  the 
limits  of  a  continuously  wet  day,  or  on 
the  evening  of  a  fine  one,  FLORENCE 
WARDEN'S  Inn  by  the  Shore,  published  by 
JARROLD  &  SONS,  can  be  confidently  re- 
commended. The  locality  of  the  incidents 
will  be  recognised  at  once  by  any  one  ac- 
quainted with  that  portion  of  the  south- 
east coast  where  grazing  fields,  lying  be- 
tween the  monotonous  road  and  the  sea, 
are  gradually  merged  into  such  extensive 
flats  of  sand  and  grass,  varied  by  occa- 
sional undulations,  as  delight  the  heart 
and  exercise  the  muscles  of  the  deter- 
mined golfer.  The  heroine  is  a  charm- 
ingly puzzling  personage,  who  so  gains 
upon  the  honest  reader's  sympathy  as  to 
make  him  hope  against  hope  that  she  will 
ultimately  escape  from  what  appears  to  be 
the  just  retribution  awaiting  her  crimes. 
Whether  that  sympathy  is  deserved,  or 
wasted,  it  is  for  the  authoress  to  tell,  and 
the  reader  to  discover.  Should  any  of  the 
BARON'S  friends,  anxious  for  a  day's  quiet, 
seek  any  place  in  this,  or  any  other,  neigh- 
bourhood close  to  the  melancholy  ocean, 
he  will  not  do  better  than  to  make  the  ac- 
quaintance of  FLORENCE  WARDEN'S  Inn  by 
the  Shore,  where  there  is  as  good  enter- 
tainment to  be  had  as  the  most  hungry 
novel-devourer  could  desire. 

"Never  was  man  better  served  with" 
horses  of  various  descriptions  than  was  the 


young  rattletrap,  Huyh  Peters,  the  plural- 
named  Puritan  in  the  stirring,  or  rather 
galloping,  romance  entitled  A  Puritan's 
n'ife,  writ  by  one  MAX  PEMBERTON,  and 
dashingly  illustrated  by  Master  SIDNEY 
PAGET.  or  Sidney  Full-Page-it,  as  all  his 
capital  drawings  are  of  this  size.  It  is 
such  a  Romance  of  Multitude,  a  regular 
slashing,  hacking,  cutting,  hanging,  crash- 
ing-through-woods,  scouring-country  (until 
it  is  cl«au).  sword-thrusting,  fisticuffing, 
brawling,  plunging,  lunging,  struggling, 
guggling,  half-drowning,  with  success- 
crowning-everything  romance^  as  Master 
MAX  and  not  a  few  other  writers, — he  of 
the  Golden  Spur,  for  example, — love  to 
write.  Odds  bucklers  and  carbines  1  but 
it  needs  all  the  relief  that  the  love  story 
of  a  gentle  girl  can  give  to  the  tale,  in 
order  that  we  may  have  a  few  moments' 
lull.  The  heroine  is  an  oppressed, 
thwarted,  but  ever  ready-witted  damsel, 
and  though  she  gives  the  name  of  A 
Puritan's  Wife  to  the  novel,  herself  play- 
ing the  "  title  role,"  yet  is  her  part  not  so 
prominent  as  is  that  of  the  Puritan  wife's 
Puritan  husband ;  nor,  indeed,  is  she  so 
much  in  evidence  as  are  the  friends  and 
enemies  of  the  Puritan  wife's  Puritan  hus- 
band. But,  Messieurs  the  romance 
readers,  the  Baron,  humming  "  Suoni  la 
tromba  "  from  I  Puritani,  doth  recommend 
to  your  notice  the  work  heartily.  Ye  can 
procure  it  at  the  sign  of  the  CASSELL  & 
Co.,  and  thereto  setteth  the  Baron  his 
sign  and  seal,  B.  DE  B.-W. 


THE  CYCLING  GOVERNESS. 

I  NO  longer  teach  my  classes 

Their  SHAKSPEARE  and  the  glasses, 
And  the  uses  of  the  globes,   as  was  my 
custom ; 

But  all  they  '11  learn  from  me 

Is  to  ride  the  iron  gee — 
All  other  lessons  utterly  disgust  'em ! 

The  girls  no  more  will  meddle 
With  the  painful  piano-pedal, 
They'll    only    touch    the   pedal    of    their 

"  Humber  " ; 

Like  their  grannies,  they  begin 
At  an  early  age  to  "  spin," 
But  the  road  it  is  their  spinning-wheels 
encumber. 

So  wheeling  now  my  trade  is, 
And  finishing  young  ladies 
In  the   proper  kind  of   bicycling   deport- 
ment ; 

I  'm  nearly  finished,  too. 
And  battered  black  and  blue, 
For  of  falls  I've  had  a  pretty  large   as- 
sortment 1 ^__ 

A  Zoological  Error. 
MR.  BARNEY  BARNATO  has  presented 
President  KRUGER  with  a  brace  of  marble 
lions.  What  the  eminent  financier  really 
meant  to  give  was  a  couple  of  other  ani- 
mals, well  known  on  'Change,  a  bull  and 
a  bear,  only,  unfortunately,  they  broke 
loose  previous  to  shipment. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI.— OCTOBER  24,  1*%. 


tr 


PLAYING  PATIENCE. 


BOSEBEKY  (the  Hermit  of  Valmtny,  loq.).  "THEY  MAY  SAY  IT'S  A  DULL  GAME,   BUT  AT  LEAST  IT  DOESN'T 

WANT  A  PARTNER!" 


OCTOBER  '24,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


201 


MUSICAL  NOTES. 

["  The  bagpipe  threatens  to  be  a  fashionable  in- 
strument in  London  this  winter." — Daily  News.] 

CERTAINLY  the  reproach  sometimes 
urged  against  us  that  we  are  an  unmusical 
nation  is  in  a  fair  way  to  become  obsolete. 
The  number  of  concerts  given  this  winter 
beats  all  previous  records,  and  most  of  the 
music  performed,  whether  by  professionals 
or  amateurs,  is  of  the  very  highest  class. 

ON  Thursday,  for  instance,  at  Lady 
CLAPPBRCLAW'S  soiree  musicale,  the  or- 
chestra of  amateur  bagpipe-players  distin- 
guished themselves  greatly.  The  orchestra 
consists  of  twenty-seven  members,  and  the 
drawing-room  at  Clapperclaw  House  is 


fortunately  small,  so  that  the  effect 
gained  was  simply  stupendous.  A  few  of 
the  audience  thought  that  the  fortissimos 
were  almost  overdone,  but  these  were  cap- 
tious persona  who  had  forgotten  to  place 
cotton-wool  in  their  ears,  an  elementary 
precaution  always  to  be  observed  before 
attending  a  modern  concert.  On  the 
other  hand,  a  distinguished  foreign  mu- 
sician was  overheard  to  remark  with  great 
emphasis  that  no  such  performance  was 
even  possible  in  his  own  country. 

A  FEATURE  of  the  Duchess  of  MARGATE'S 
reception  on  Saturday  was  the  magnificent 
trombone-playing  of  Miss  ALAMODE.  This 
talented  young  lady  played  with  such  suc- 
cess that  all  the  electric-light  giobes  in 
the  room  were  shattered,  and  several  of 
the  audience  were  deafened  for  life. 
Charmingly  pathetic,  too,  was  Herr 
THUMPOFFSKY'S  solo  on  the  big  drum ; 
indeed,  tears  stood  in  many  eyes  at  the 
conclusion  of  his  performance. 

Now  that  the  older  musical  instruments 
are  falling  into  well-deserved  neglect,  it 
is  interesting  to  find  how  readily  well- 
known  artistes  move  with  the  times. 
Sefior  SARASATE'S  penny-whistle  recitals 
have  been  crowded ,  and  there  is  sure  to 
be  a  full  house  at  his  next  concert,  when 
he  will  play  the  whole  of  Don  Giovanni 
on  that  delightful  instrument.  Not  to  be 
outdone,  on  the  following  day  Herr  JOA- 
CHIM will  render  the  overture  to  Tann- 
hauser  and  the  choral  symphony  with  the 
assistance  only  of  a  small  comb. 

AMONGST  the  new  music  recently  pub- 
lished we  would  especially  commend  a 
volume  of  Twelve  Morceaux  for  the  Bones, 
by  Professor  VILLIERS  STANFORD,  which 


are  provided  also  with  a  tambourine  obbli- 
gato,  and  The  Wanderer's  Return,  a 
stately  triumphal  march,  specially  written 
by  Doctor  HUBERT  PARRY  tor  performance 
on  a  latchkey.  Sir  ALEXANDER  MACKEN- 
ZIE'S new  work,  Israel's  Lament,  a  sym- 
phonic overture  arranged  for  an  orchestra 
of  Jew's  harps,  will  be  produced,  we 
understand,  at  the  next  Birmingham 
Festival. 

MANY  complaints  have  lately  been  made 
of  the  unsatisfactory  character  of  the 
Dictionaries  of  Music  now  in  use,  which 
supply  hardly  any  information  as  to  the 
musical  instruments  of  the  day.  How- 
ever, this  ignorance  will  be  partly  reme- 
died for  those  who  attend  Professor 
BRIDGE'S  historical  lectures,  which  are 
doing  a  great  work  for  the  musical  edu- 
cation of  the  public.  The  next  course  will 
begin  on  Monday  week,  and  will  deal  with 
"  The  Structure  and  Development  of  the 
Barrel-organ."  The  lectures  will  be  illus- 
trated by  performances  on  the  instrument 
under  discussion,  given  by  M.  PADEBEWSKI, 
Herr  ROSENTHAL,  and  others. 


CONDENSED  CONFIDENCE. 

(For  Ladies  only.) 

DEAREST  ETHELINDA,  —  "On  ne  badine 
pas  avec  I'amour,"  says  ALFRED  DE  Mus- 
SET.  Ahl  hew  regretfully  do  I  recognise 
the  truth  of  the  poet's  adage.  When  I 
recently  told  you  of  the  capture  of  poor 
Lord  ARTHUR  BANTIPOLE  at  the  Spa  of 
Scarborough  by  the  female  who  is  unhap- 
pily privileged  to  call  herself  his  wife,  I 
mentioned  that  the  unlucky  fellow  was  re- 
duced from  leonine  resentment  to  sheep- 
like  docility  by  the  mere  mention  of  the 
name  "Jones."  Which  JONES?  Aided 
by  an  astute  employe  of  Mr.  ROPES- 
END,  the  celebrated  private  detective, 
I  have  discovered  that  this  JONES 
(I  might  say,  our  JONES)  is  a  betting 
man  with  whom  ARTHUR  has  been 
rash  enough  to  plunge  into  turf 
speculations,  naturally  to  his  financial 
embarrassment.  The  FEMALE  (I  can 
call  her  nothing  else)  having  discovered 
this  fatal  secret,  ingratiated  herself  with 
the  man  JONES  (probably  he  is  a  blood  re- 
lation), and,  whenever  in  want  of  funds, 
she  has  produced  him  like  a  god  out  of  a 
bathing-machine,  as  some  Latin  author 
remarks,  to  his  temporary  discomfiture. 
Talking  of  bathing-machines  reminds  me 
that  an  admirable  substitute  for  soap  is  a 
mixture  of  cigar  ashes  and  crushed  apples, 
which  I  have  registered  under  the  title  of 
"  Pom-Nic."  Demand  it  at  all  confec- 
tioners and  bookstalls. 

Mr.  ROPESEND,  who  served  with  distinc- 
tion in  the  Peruvian  army,  says  that 
JONES  is  as  hard  as  a  Brazil  nut — by  the 
way,  I  can  give  you  an  excellent  receipt 
for  a  puree  of  Brazil  nuts,  and  will  do  so 
later — and  that,  if  ARTHUR  does  not  settle 
his  liability,  he  means  to  have  "  his  lord- 
ship warned  off  every  course  in  Christen- 
dom." This  sounds  like  an  Armenian 
atrocity — but  I  gather  that  unless  the  sum 
of  £2,660  is  paid  to  this  implacable  JONES, 
my  hero  will  have  to  suffer  peine  forte  et 
dure.  This  must  not  be,  and  so,  like  an- 
other JOAN  OF  ARC,  I  have  resolved  to 
sacrifice  my  little  fortune  (left  me,  you 
will  remember,  by  my  godmother,  Lady 
POKESDOWN),  for  the  rescue  of  my  GUY 
LIVINGSTONE.  JOAN  v.  JONES.  Mr. 
ROPESEND  says  that  I  am  behaving  like  a 
real  lady,  but  his  praises  fall  from  my  ears 
like  water  from  the  feathers  of  a  teal  or 


widgeon.  A  propos  of  widgeon,  roast  it 
with  cayenne  and  onions,  stir  gently  into 
beetroot  sauce,  caviare,  lemons,  and  three 
ounces  of  delicate  fresh-herring-roe  jelly, 
and  serve  hot,  with  capers  to  follow. 
ROPESEND  also  states  that  I  must  not  see 
ARTHUR,  who  is  (I  again  quote  his  lan- 
guage) "lying  doggo,"  having  (Dieu  soit 
beni!)  escaped  momentarily  the  persecu- 
tion and  presence  of  JONES  and  the  FE- 
MALE. In  my  conduct  I  know  that  I  am 
both  wicked  and  immoral,  but  que  voulez- 
vous?  I  shall  earn  the  praise  of  GRANT 
ALLEN  and  SARAH  GRAND. 

I  will  let  you  know  how  my  scheme 
"pans  out"  (dear  ARTHUR'S  expression). 

We  have  moved  into  a  new  flat,  and  I 
must  say  that  the  Art  wall-paper  in  my 


boudoir,  illustrating  MACAULAY'S  Lays  of 
Ancient  Borne,  is  worthy  of  WALTER 
CRANE.  It  can  only  be  obtained  from — * 
At  the  Stores  you  can  now  buy  the  new 
Kamtchatkan  drapery,  made  from  Siberian 
rabbits.  A  capital  way  of  dressing  phea- 
sants is  to  stuff  them  with  larks  and  sau- 
sages, and  baste,  while  roasting,  with 
Burgundy.  The  original  flavour  of  the 
bird  by  this  process  entirely  disappears. 
Serve  with  sage  and  garlic  sauce.  KADJ. 
*  No,  you  don't. — ED. 


THE  Music  HALL  LICENCES. — According 
to  the  report  in  the  papers  last  Thursday, 
Mr.  COOTE  (surely  not  the  representative 
of  the  musical  COOTB  family;  of  the 
"  COOTE  and  TINNEY  "  band,  which  it  was 
most  unfair  ever  to  term  "  Tinney,"  being 
"  strings  and  wind ")  opposed  the  licence 
for  which  the  Palace  Music  Hall  had  ap- 
plied. Coute  que  coute  he  was  determined 
to  oppose  it,  was  COOTE;  and  ultimately, 
when  granting  the  licence,  our  unfortu- 
nate COOTB  was  actually  told  by  the 
Chairman  how  they,  the  magistrates, 
through  him,  their  chief,  regretted  he 
(COOTE)  should  ever  have  expressed  his 
strong  opinion  against  the  living  tableau 
illustrating  "La  Source."  Who  can  ob- 
ject to  nuda  veritas?  Ladies  and  gentle- 
men visiting  the  Empire  find  no  fault  with 
"La  Source."  And  what  is  "La  Source 
For  the  Goose  is  La  Source  for  the  Gan- 
der." So  why  complain? 


SUGGESTION  TO  MODERATE  LIBERALS. — 
The  formation  of  the  Primrosebery  League. 
Plantagenets,  or  old  brooms  with  new 
:aces,  warned  off. 


202 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  24,  1896. 


A  STUDY  OF  FOUR  PHILANTHROPIC  AND  USUALLY  PEACEABLE  LITTLE  GENTLEMEN,  WHO  ARE  PREPARED,  AT  A  MOMENT'S  NOTICE 

AND    IN    THE    TEBTH    OF    EUROPE,     TO    FORCE    THE    PASSAGE    OF    THE    DARDANELLES,    OCCUPY    CONSTANTINOPLE    AND    ASIATIC    TURKEY, 
DETHRONE  THE   SULTAN,    AND  RlGHT  THE  WRONGS  OF  THE   UNIVERSE  AT  THE   POINT  OF  THE   BAYONET  ! 


AUGUSTE  EN  ANGLETERKE. 
ON  THE  THAMES. 

DEAR  MISTER, — I  arn  not  gone  to  Worhthing,  for  the  day 
where  I  wrote  to  you  I  received  a  letter  from  one  of  my  friends, 
who  inhabits  Goring,  inviting  me  of  to  render  him  visit,  there 
where  I  could  see  the  Thames.  Ah,  the  fine  occasion  for  to 
make  some  notes  for  my  guide !  I  have  already  seen  the  Thames 
at  London,  at  Richmond,  and  at  the  Lock  of  Boultaire.  Ah,  how 
it  is  gay  the  Sunday — even  the  english  suuday — that  to  see  to 
pass  all  the  adorable  misses  and  the  brave  misters  by  the  Lock 
of  Boultaire !  But  until  here  I  know  not  Goring. 

Therefore  very  volontiers,  volunteerly,  I  make  my  mail — je 
fais  ma  malle — the  morning,  I  go  to  the  station,  I  make  to  put 
an  etiquette  for  Goring  on  my  baggages,  and  I  demand  if  there 
is  a  train  direct.  The  factor — facteur — responds  that  yes. 
Then  I  obtain  a  ticket  of  to  go  and  return,  and  I  part  in  the 
train  for  Goring. 

After  a  time  incredibly  short,  in  arriving  at  a  station,  I  find 
that  it  is  already  Goring.  A  la  bonne  heure !  Very,  content  of 
to  arrive  so  quick,  I  descend  and  I  seek  my  friend,  whom  I  will 
name  Mister  X.  He  is  not  there.  Eh  well,  it  is  equal  to  me, 
something  has  prevented  him,  j'irai  chez  lui,  I  shall  go  at  him. 
So  I  demand  if  Mister  X.  has  sent  a  carriage.  The  factor  says 
that  no.  Then  I  demand  where  lives  Mister  X.  The  factor 
knows  not  the  name.  Nor  another  employed  no  more.  Nor 
the  coacher  of  a  fly.  Nor  the  chief  of  station.  In  fine  I  seek 
the  letter  of  my  friend,  and  I  show  to  them  his  name.  "Ah 


.  „          ^  . _  compre 

hend  that  there  is  two  Gorings,  and  that  this  one  here  is  not 
that  one  there,  the  Goring  of  my  friend,  and — name  of  a  dog ! — 
in  fine  I  return  to  Brighton,  and  I  go  to  London  to  the  station 
of  Victoria,  and  I  traverse  London  to  the  station  of  Padington, 
and  at  Padington  I  entrap  the  last  train,  and,  all  epuise,  I 
arrive  to  the  other  Goring  after  a  voyage  of  the  most  longs  and 
of  the  most  annoyings — ennuyants — a  voyage  of  all  the  day 
in  omnibus  trains.  And  thia  by  a  cold,  ah  but,  a  cold  I 

However,  in  fine  I  arrive,  and  the  to-morrow,  k  kndemain,  I 


find  that  Goring  is  enough  pretty,  even  when  the  season  of  the 
canoeing,  canotage,  is  passed.  It  is  true  that  one  sees  not  the 
adorable  misses  and  the  ravishing  colours  of  their  robes  of 
summer,  but  en  revanche,  in  revenge,  one  sees  the  beautiful 
tints  of  the  leaves  of  autumn,  red  and  yellow,  on  the  hill  of 
Stritly.  She  is  very  well  situated,  the  hill  of  Stritly,  and 
dominates  the  landscape.  Goring  and  Stritly  are  two 
ancient  villages,  united  by  an  ancient  bridge  in  wood,  very 
picturesque,  with  a  mill  to  water  at  side,  of  which  the  artist 
painters  make  all  the  days  some  pictures.  I  admire  much  your 
english  villages.  Even  in  the  houses  of  the  peasants  one  sees 
a  little  of  the  english  comfortable — le  comfortable  anglais. 
And  all  the  villages  have  the  air  of  a  garden,  the  little  houses 
surrounded  of  trees  and  of  flowers.  My  friend  Mister  X. 
fears  that  the  ancient  bridge  may  be  un  pea  use,  a  little 
used  —  ah  no,  you  say  "wo~n  out."  What  misfortune  if  he 
should  be  replaced  by  a  bridge  in  iron  1  Ca  se  pent,  that 
may  himself,  for  even  at  Venise  there  is  a  bridge  in  iron  of  the 
most  detes tables,  but  I  hope  that  not.  With  a  bridge  in  iron 
the  river  at  Goring  would  be  absolutely  ugly,  as  ugly  as  he  is 
at  Charingcross  where  the  bridge  of  the  railway,  traversing  the 
river,  destroys  all  the  beauty  of  the  quai,  of  the  Embankment. 
The  lock  of  Goring  should  not  to  resemble  to  the  quay  of 
London. 

The  valley  of  the  Thames  is  charming  when  the  sun  shines. 
When  the  sky  is  grey  and  he  falls  of  the  rain,  that  which  arrives 
so  often  in  your  country,  she  is  a  little  sad.  And  when  there 
is  some  inundations,  and  the  inhabitants  of  the  riverain  houses 
are  obliged  of  to  rest  at  the  first — rester  au  premier — because 
the  rez-de-chaussee  is  full  of  water,  I  believe  that  the  valley  of 
the  Thames  is  a  little  humid.  Agree,  <fec.,  ATTGTTSTE. 


The  Meat  and  Marriage  Markets. 

A  MARKET-RETURN  f rom  Porkopolis  reads :  — 

"  Bibs  pressed  for  sale  and  closed  weak."    Yanks  are  smart. 
But  this  seems  a  fitting  account  of  the  deeds 

Mothers  do  in  our  own  Matrimonial  Mart ; 
For  the  phrase  would  apply  with  a  fitness  quite  funny 
To  daughters  tight-laced,  and  then  married  for  money  I 


OCTOBER  24,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


203 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

(A  fond  but  foolish  Lover  rejoices  in  the 
decadence  of  the  Season.) 

I  LIKE  to  see  the  life-spent  leaves 

Come  tumbling  on  the  sodden  ground, 
When  swallows  quit  the  cottage  eaves 

To  warmer  lands  and  sunshine  bound. 
I  like  to  watch  the  year's  decay  — 

A  melancholy  subject  that  — 
And  think  of  things  of  yesterday  — 

The  while  the  rain  goes  pit-a-pat. 

The  bracken  browns  beneath  the  pine, 

The  mast  is  winnowed  from  the  beech, 
The  creepers  make  a  thin  red  line, 

And  shed  the  blooms  we  could  not 

reach. 
E'en  daisies  born  of  Michaelmas, 

Upon  the  earth  are  lying  flat, 
Nasturtiums  stoop  to  meet  the  grass  — 

The  while  the  rain  goes  pit-a-pat. 

Across  the  heath  the  lapwings  wail, 

They  know  the  time  of  joy  has  fled, 
And  mourn  beneath  a  sky  too  pale 

The  sunsets  that  were  rosy  red. 
The  misty  cloak  is  damp  and  cold, 

It  scares  the  ever-greedy  bat. 
Who  fears  to  leave  yon  tower  old  — 

The  while  the  rain  goes  pit-a-pat. 

And  vet  T  love  this  dreary  scene, 

This  picture  of  the  dyiner  vear, 
Th^t  tells  of  what  the  world  has  been 

Before  the  trees  were  gaunt  and  sere. 
For  Time  despises  day  by  day  — 

A  leveller,  a,  democrat  — 
And  I  uphold  his  iron  sway  — 

The  while  the  rain  goes  pit-a-pat. 

Oft  in  the  days  that  are  no  more 

I  longed  to  live.     But  what  avail 
To  ^onrd  snch  wishes  in  my  storp, 

When  Hope  is  but  a  fairy  tale  ? 
When  many  an  autumn  long  ago 

My  ark  was  wrecked  on  Ararat, 
You  could    have   saved    me    then, 
know!  — 

Meanwhile  the  rain  goes  pit-a-pat. 


HOSPITALITY. 


you 


(Found  in  an  Tmperial 

Monday.  —  Reception,  dejeuner,  recep- 
tion, review,  banquet,  concert,  reception. 
Their  friendly  hospitalitv  delightful.  BQd 
—  in  train  —  1  A.M.,  after  reading  de- 
spatches. 

Tuesday.  —  Rise  7,  in  train.  Reception, 
breakfast,  procession,  reception,  dejeuner, 
drive,  receptions,  visits,  interviews,  drive, 
reception,  dinner  (such  a  dinner!),  recep- 
tion, opera,  reception,  despatches.  Well- 
meant  hospitality  rather  fatiguing.  Cut 
fireworks  and  opera  ;  rather  tired,  bed 
2  A.M. 

Wednesday.  —  RjseG.  Despatches.  Break- 
fast, reception,  visits  to  churches,  palacrs. 
<fcc.  .  AVo..  foundation  stone  with  verses, 
steamboat  trip,  visits,  Mint,  Institut, 
more  verses,  concert  —  cut  short  concert  — 
banquet,  reception,  thentre,  &c.,  «fec. 
Hospitality  tiring.  Bed  at  3  A.M. 

Thursday.—  Rise_  5.  Despatches,  break- 
fast, reception,  picture  galleries,  drives, 
<$"o..  &c..  da  capn,  with  variations.  Hos- 
pitalitv awful  !  To  bed  at  3.55  A.M. 

Friday.  —  Rise  4.  Hardly  worth  going 
to  bod.  D<*spato"Qs.  banauet,  Ffnil  "Re- 
ception, train  —  off!  Rest  at  last.  To  bed, 
utterly  exhausted,  at  9  P.M.  Their  hospi- 
tality —  oh  .  save  me  from  my  friends  ! 
WILLIAM  of  Germany  is  the  only  man  who 
could  stand  it.  They  should  invite  him. 


LONG    TO    RAIN    OVER    US! 

Bill.  "BE'T  STILL  A  RAININ',  SAM?" 

Sam.  "An,  THAT  IT  BE  ;  AN'  NOT  LIKE  TO  GIVE  OVEK,  NEITHER.     BIN  A  COMIN'  DOWN 
POWERFUL   'EAVY,  IT   'AVE  !     WT,  I  DID  'EAR  SAY  AS  IT  's   BIN  so   BAD  UP  IN  LONDON 

THAT  THEY  *VE  BEEN  A  CELEBRATIN'   THE  LONGEST  RAIN  Off  RECORD  !  " 


NOT   ENOUGH    YET? 

["  There  is  a  deficiency  of  rain." — Meteorological 
Reports.'] 

POUR  down,  oh  rain,  from  sodden  air, 
While  at  barometers  we  stare, 
They  never  more  will  point  to  "  fair," 
Pour  down  unceasing  everywhere  1 
We  envy — they  alone  don't  care — 
The  fish  in  sea. 

Pour  down,  oh  rain,  day  after  day, 
Soak  sodden  man  on  sodden  way, 
Soak  sodden  horse,  and  sodden  hay, 
Soak  all  the  land  from  Thames  to  Tay, 
Because — my  goodness ! — there  is  a 
Deficiency  1 


MOTTO  FOR  A  MASSEUSE. — There's  noth- 
ing like  rub-bish. 


"They  Manage  these  Things,"  &c. 

Bumbleshaw  (reading  from  daily  paper). 
During  the  CZAR'S  stay,  6,000  policemen, 
out  of  a  force  of  8,000,  were  constantly  on 
duty,  each  man  doing  fifteen  hours  service 
daily. 

Grumbleshaw.  That 's  what  comes  of  en- 
tertaining a  despot !  And  I  suppose  that 
we,  the  down-trodden  ratepayers,  will 
have  to  pay  for  this  gross  truckling  to 
imperial  vanity  by  a  free  country  ? 

Bumbleshaw.  Not  unless  you  happen  to 
have  property  in  France. 

Grumbleshaw.  In  France!  What  d'ye 
mean? 

Bumbleshaw.  Only  that  the  paragraph 
refers  to  the  guardians  of  liberty,  equa- 
lity and  fraternity  in  Paris. 

[Collapse  of  GRUMBLESHAW. 


204 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  24,  1896. 


AFTER    THE    FETES! 


First  Citizen.  "SAY  THEN!  WAS  IT  NOT  A  FINE  CHANGE  TO  CRY 
'  VIVE  L'EMPEREUR  '  FOR  NEARLY  A  WHOLE  WEEK,  INSTEAD  OF 
'  VIVE  LA  REPUBLIQUE  '  ? " 

Second  Citizen.  ' '  AH,  MY  BRAVE,  IT  WAS  TRULY  MAGNIFICENT  ! 
AND  so  NEW  !  I  'M  HORRIBLY  BORED  WITH  ALWAYS  CALLING  OUT 
'  VIVE  LA  REPUBLIQUE  ' !  "  [They  smoke  and  consider. 


ROUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

MONSIEUR  ELZEAR  BLAZE^ON  "LE  CHASSEUR  AU  CHIEN  D'ARRET.'' 

M.  BLAZE,  I  should  mention,  was  not  only  a  keen  sportsman, 
bub  he  had  been  a  soldier,  and  had  fought  in  the  armies  of  the 
great  NAPOLEON.  Here  and  there  in  his  pleasant  book  he 
scatters  anecdotes  of  his  military  life,  which  agreeably  diversify 
the  narrative.  And  it  must  be  admitted  that  he  by  no  means 
forgets  the  maxim  in  which  he  lays  it  down  that  one  of  the 
chief  duties  of  a  story-teller  is  to  embroider.  At  the  end  of 
his  chapter  on  the  hare  he  gives  an  account  of  the  finest  "  chasse 
aux  lievres  "  that  has  ever,  according  to  him,  taken  place  in  the 
memory  of  man.  "There  were  four  hundred  thousand  of  us, 
Frenchmen  and  Austrians  in  equal  numbers,  engaged  in  the 
sport,  which  took  place  at  a  little  village  called  Wagram,  a  few 
miles  from  Vienna.  The  plain  was  covered  with  hares ;  at  every 
ten  steps  several  started  in  front  of  our  side.  Our  muskets  and 
our  cannons  alarmed  them  dreadfully,  and  away  they  ran  in  the 
hope  of  escaping.  But  further  on  they  met  two  hundred  thou- 
sand Austrians,  who  were  in  no  joking  humour.  So  back  they 
came  to  us,  and  squadrons  of  them  were  to  be  seen  running 
between  the  two  armies.  A  charge  of  cavalry,  which 
was  in  no  way  intended  for  them,  would  put  them  to  rout. 
They  pierced  our  ranks,  passed  between  our  legs.  We  killed 
them  with  sword-cuts,  with  bayonet-thrusts ;  we  took  them 
alive.  On  that  day  we  saw  a  great  slaughter  of  men  and  of 
hares.  A  hare  killed  made  one  forget  the  death  of  a  comrade  : 
it  was  like  farce  after  tragedy.  How  many  bullets,  intended 
for  the  enemy  were  shot  at  these  unfortunate  hares!  Never 
has  so  great  a  number  been  seen,  never  before  have  so  many 
been  killed.  That  evening,  after  the  battle,  nearly  all  of  us 
supped  on  hare." 

HERE  is  some  advice  which  will  come  home  to  the  heart  of 
many  a  British  sportsman  :  — "  Be  very  careful,"  says  the  saga- 
cious BLAZE,  "of  young  shooters.  If  you  are  walking  in  line 


with  them  I  advise  rather  to  be  behind  than  in  front  of  them. 
Such  fellows  lose  their  head  at  the  sight  of  a  partridge,  a  hare 
makes  them  dizzy,  a  pheasant  throws  them  into  convulsions. 
They  keep  on  firing,  no  matter  how,  and  their  neighbourhood 
is  very  dangerous,  and  the  best  plan  is  to  keep  out  of  shot  of 
them."  Any  young  sportsman,  however,  who  reads  M.  BLAZE'S 
chapter  on  "  The  Pheasant "  might  well  be  excused  a  slight 
tremor  at  the  sight  of  this  bird.  This  is  how  it  opens :  — 
"  But  here  is  the  king  of  game-birds !  the  pheasant !  At 
this  name  a  sportsman's  eyes  glitter,  his  heart  beats  faster. 
Listen  to  him !  If  he  speaks  of  his  exploits  he  does  not  pro- 
nounce the  word  pheasant  like  any  other  word.  With  a  certain 
lightness  he  mentions  the  partridge,  the  rabbit,  the  hare  ;  but 
when  he  comes  to  the  pheasant  his  mouth  is  full,  the  two 
syllables  are  broadly  articulated.  He  emphasises  each  of  them  so 
that  you  might  fancy  you  hear  two  words  joined  by  a  hyphen." 
I  recommend  this  method  of  pronunciation  to  country-house 
parties.  But  in  whatever  way  pronounced,  the  pheasant  in 
M.  BLAZE'S  day  was  not  easier  to  stay  than  he  is  now,  for  novices 
are  told  by  him  that  when  they  shoot  at  a  pheasant  they  must 
in  thought  separate  the  body  from  the  tail :  — "  The  tail  eaves 
many  a  pheasant ;  it  deceives  novices.  None  of  the  pellets 
that  hit  it  count.  A  shot  in  the  tail  scatters  many  feathers 
in  the  air,  and  one  imagines  the  bird  is  wounded.  Not  at  all. 
Like  the  fox  in  the  fable,  the  bird  has  lost  its  tail  in  the  conflict, 
and  is  no  whit  the  worse  for  it." 

THE  above  advice  is,  of  course,  elementary ;  but  the  book  is 
full  of  cunning  hints,  not  merely  for  the  improvement  of  a 
man's  shooting,  but  also  as  to  the  best  method  of  bringing 
various  animals  to  bag,  and  as  to  the  training  and  treatment 
of  dogs.  "No  man  ought  to  lend  either  his  wife,  or  his  horse, 
or  his  dog,"  says  M.  BLAZE,  but  he  proceeds  to  recount  how  he 
himself,  being  endowed  with  a  magnanimity  out  of  the  common, 
once  pushed  that  quality  to  the  extent  of  lending  Medor,  the 
illustrious  M6dor,  to  a  f  riend,  M  edor,  the  best  of  dogs;  and  that, 
an  hour  afterwards,  Medor  came  back  alone,  having  left  his 
sportsman  on  account  of  a  succession  of  six  bad  shots.  "  A  dog 
hunts  for  his  own  pleasure,  much  more  than  for  yours.  Amuse 
him  if  you  want  him  to  amuse  you."  And,  by  the  way,  I  may 
mention  that  I  never  yet  met  a  French  dog  who  was  not  called 
either  Medor,  or  Phanor,  or  Azor,  or  Selphegor,  or  "  le  vieux 
Stop." 

THE  CONCEET  OF  EUROPE. 

RUSSIA  's  first  fiddle,  France  bassoon, 

And  England  the  big  drum  ; 
But  when  it  comes  to  any  toon, 

The  lot  of  us  are  mum  I 
We  do  not  know  each  other's  parts, 

We  funk  cacophonous  wai 
We  are  a  happy  concert  troop, 

We  are,  we  are,  we  are! 


At  a  Dog-Show. 

First  Fancier.  That 's  a  well-bred  terrier  of  yours,  BILL. 
Second  Fancier.  And  so  he  ought  to  be.     Didn't  the  Princess 
of  WALES  own  his  great  grand-aunt ! 

CLEARING  THE  AIR. 

WITH  party  missiles  flying, 

With  wild  shillelaghs  blent ; 
Armenia  slowly  dying, 

The  SULTAN  well  content ; 
To  "  clear  the  air,"  by  speeches, 

Is  well.     Yet  must  we  pray 
For  him,  more  wise,  who  teaches 

England  to  "  clear  the  way." 


THE  POETRY  OF  BUSINESS. — "The  Lady  Loch"  and  "  The, 
Forrest  King ! "  Do  not  these  names  sound  like  the  title  of  a 
romantic  poem?  Yet,  they  are  but  the  names  of  two  gold 
mines,  and  poems  are  not  invariably  "  gold  mines "  to  their 
authors. 

At  Chalons. 

(Did  not  miss  his  opportunity. ) 

Energetic  Sonapartist  (at  last  at  liberty).  Vive  PEmpereur! 
Polite  Official.  It  is  defended,  Sir! 
E.  B.  But  I  only  cry  for  the  CZAR  !      [P.  0.  takes  a  back  seat. 


OCTOBER  31,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


205 


THE        BIKE"    FROM    A    DOG'S    POINT    OF    VIEW! 


THE  SCORCHEB. 

(After  William  Watson.) 

I  DO  not.  in  the  crowded  street 
Of  cab  and  "  'bus  "  and  mire, 

Nor  in  the  country  lane  so  sweet, 
Hope  to  escape  thy  tyre. 

One  boon,  oh,  Scorcher,  I  implore, 
With  one  petition  kneel, 

At  least  abuse  me  not  before 
Thou  break  me  on  thy  wheel. 


FATAL  EFFECT  OF  THE  EASTERN  QUES- 
TION ON  THE  TOBACCO  AND  SHOE  TRADES. 

— We  learn  that  Mr.  LABOUCHERE,  M.P., 
has  left  off  smoking  cigarettes  made  of 
Turkish  or  Egyptian  produce,  and  has 
now  pledged  himself  to  consume  none  but 
those  manufactured  at  St.  Petersburg  or 
Moscow.  A  serious  deficiency  in  the  regie 
is  consequently  anticipated.  On  the  other 
hand,  the  SULTAN  has  forbidden  North- 
ampton boots  to  be  imported  into  his  do- 
minions. It  is  suggested  that  a  Mixed 
Commission :  nominated  by  the  Prince  of 
MONACO,  might  adjust  this  international 
difficulty.  Meantime  Europe  trembles. 

"HATS  OFF!" — New  song  by  a  German 
composer  partial  to  Newmarket.  —  "Ich 
liebe  Ditch." 


DARBY  JONES  ON  THE  CAMBRIDGESHIRE. 

HONOURED  SIR, — Had  I  had  the  privilege  of  being  educated 
like  yourself  at  a  Public  School  and  a  University,  where  the 
Knowledge  of  the  Ancients  is  dispensed  like  Soothing  Syrup  to 
the  offspring  of  the  Good,  Great,  and  Wealthy,  I  might  be  able 
to  grasp  that  touch  of  Nature  which  make  all  men  of  the 
world  kings.  But  unfortunately  my  bringing  up  was  established 
by  Providence  amid  the  grave-to-gay  surroundings  of  a  Baked 
Potato  Merchant's  lares  and  penates.  I  am  not  ashamed  of  my 
sire's  calling.  On  the  contrary,  oft  in  the  stilly  night  the  residue 
of  his  unsold  stock-in-trade  has  furnished  me  with  a  substantial 
supper-breakfast,  while  the  expiring  embers  of  his  peripatetic 
furnace  have  only  been  equalled  in  warmth  by  the  condition  of 
my  body  after  he  had  discovered  the  loss  of  those  vegetables 
with  which  the  names  of  RALEIGH  and  PARMENTIER  will  be  im- 
mortally associated.  You,  honoured  Sir,  in  your  Pacha-like 
sanctum — I  can  picture  you  in  an  old-gold  dressing-gown,  with 
fez  to  match,  whirling  the  luscious  Latakia  through  your 
thoroughbred  nostrils — will  probably  wonder  what  my  early 
training  has  to  do  with  the  winner  of  the  Cambridgeshire.  It  is 
in  this  wise.  Nineteen  years  ago,  on  the  eve  of  this  race,  at  the 
corner  of  Waterloo  Place,  my  esteemed  parent  was  pursuing  his 
vocation,  no  longer  a  beardless  youngster,  but  still  almost  as 
fine  a  judge  of  a  horse  as  he  was  of  a  "  spud  " — in  which  latter 
merit  he  yielded  not  to  the  late  Mr.  PADDY  GREEN,  of  EVANS'S — 
when  he  was  approached  by  two  richly-garbed  French  noblemen, 
who  not  only  regaled  themselves  with  the  mealy  delicacies,  but 
also  in  handsome  style  stood  treat  to  many  of  the  Outcasts  of 
our  ever-hungry  thoroughfares.  When  paying  for  the  delicacies 
one  of  them  asked  the  name  of  the  street.  "Waterloo  Place," 
said  my  father,  "  but  no  offence  meant."  "  Ha  1  ha !  "  cried  the 
stranger,  grimly,  "  always  your  sacred  Waterloo  1  But  to-morrow 
we  shall  avenge  ourselves  at  Newmarket.  Nevare  fear  1 "  My  dad 
was  one  of  those  sanguine  individuals  who  would  have  taken 
a  tip  from  a  broken-down  billiard-marker.  What  did  he  do  ? 
Sold  his  entire  business  the  very  next  morning  in  the  Market, 
and  planked  down  all  the  "  dibs "  which  he  could  beg,  borrow, 
or  annex,  on  the  Gallic  Jongleur  !  I  need  not  record  the  result, 
but  suffice  it  to  say  that  but  for  baked  potatoes  he  would  not 
now  be  handsomely  entombed  in  Kensal  Green  Cemetery,  nor  I 
be  privileged  to  communicate  to  your  readers  those  forecasts 
which  must  make  the  weather-prophets  of  the  daily  journals 
redden  with  ill-concealed  envy.  That  I  have  servile  imitators 
I  allow,  but  this  is  the  ubiquitous  Fate  of  Genius.  I  have  seen 
Sir  HENRY  IRVING  burlesqued,  and  have  heard  Mr.  GLADSTONE'S 
name  held  up  to  the  derision  of  a  time-serving  audience.  Once 
more,  then,  without  fear  or  reproach  I  shall,  like  a  second  BATARD, 


endeavour  to  find  the  pea  under  the  thimble,  and  tune  my  lyre 
with  all  truthful  prescience. 

The  Victor  of  a  dozen  fights  will  battle  game  and  true, 
But  I  prefer  Kikoarlirit  son  when  there  's  short  work  to  do. 
A  Kendal  lass  may  do  the  trick,  our  Prince  has  got  a  chance ; 
But  oh,  beware  the  Second  All  that  hails  from  tricky  France ! 
The  Devil  there  may  be  to  pay,  and  Wisdom  bear  in  mind, 
While  Barctoldine's  successor  might  leave  many  more  behind. 
Let  Canterburybe  my  shrine.     "  On,  Pilgrim,  on ! "  I  cry. 
Though  Irish  "Pride  may  have  a  win — a  fact  I  can't  deny, 
Remember  that  TOM  CAXNON  may  a  great  upset  supply. 

Such  is  my  augury ;  passed  as  quickly  through  the  ever  ardent 
oven  of  my  brain  as  is  the  grateful  woodcock  through  the 
kitchen  when  an  opulent  Mendicant  is  ravening  for  his  evening 
provender. 

Contented  with  Irish  stew  and  beef  a  la  mode,  and  taking  the 
quips  and  cranks  of  Fortune  as  the  squibs  and  crackers  of 
existence,  I  am,  as  usual, 

Your  devoted  henchman,  DARBY  JONES. 

P.S. — I  intended  the  last  paragraph  to  refer  to  yourself.  I 
assure  you  that  your  jokes  and  jibe«  fall  from  my  head  like  hail- 
stones off  a  well-conditioned  widgeon.  But  your  ingratitude 
pierces  me  like  the  false  tooth  of  a  senile  boa-constrictor. 

[DARBY  JONES  has,  we  learn,  since  the  Cesarewitch  been  living  at  the 
rate  of  £50,000  a  year.  Perhaps  the  "  ingratitude  "  to  which  he  refers,  was 
due  to  our  refusal  to  send  ten  cases  of  dry  champagne  to  hiB  lodgings.  Any 
person  meeting  him  is  earnestly  requested  not  to  join  him  in  consuming  in- 
toxicating liquor.  He  can't  stand  it — no  more  can  we. — ED.] 


AT  WIESBADEN. 

W-lh-lm  (at  12.60).  My  dear  fellow,  how  rejoiced  I  am  to  see 
you  after  your  many  perils  in  foreign  lands.  I  was  only  thinking 
this  morning  that  if  you  and  I 

N-ch-l-s  (interrupting) .  I  know,  were  to  have  a  drink  together, 
how  happy  we  should  be  !  Order  up  the  refreshment ! 

W-lh-lm  (when  the  liquor  has  arrived).  Prosit!  my  dear 
fellow,  and  now  what  do  you  think 

N-ch-l-s  (again  interrupting).  Of  your  Hamburg  cigars  ?  Well, 
frankly,  I  prefer  my  Russian  cigarettes.  Wife  and  family  well  ? 

W-lh-lm.  Naturally,  under  my  constant  care.  But  now,  dear 
friend,  the  time  has  come 

N-ch-l-s.  By  St.  George !  So  it  has.  I  promised  to  be  back 
for  luncheon.  Order  my  carriage  1 

{Leaves  Wiesbaden  for  Darmsdadt  at  2.30. 

W-lh-lm  (watching  departing  train) > .  And  this  fellow  calls  him- 
self an  Autocrat !  Perish  the  suggestion ! 


VOL.     (TXT. 


206 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  31,  1896. 


THE    POLITICAL    FAT    BOY    AGAIN. 

Old  Lady  (who  is  timorous).  "  LAWKS  !    WHAT  CAS  YOU  WANT  NOW  ? " 
Fat  Boy.   "I  WANTS  TO  MAKE  YER  FLSSH  CREEP  !"      (Pickwick Papers.) 

[Lord  ROSEBERY  at  Colchester  said  that  an  inquiry  by  the  Chambers  of  Commerce  into  the  progress  of  technical  and  commercial  education  in  Germany 
would  produce  a  compact  and  handy  volume  which  would  make  all  your  hair  stand  on  end  /] 


OCTOBER  31,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHAEIVAKI. 


207 


MOST    UNFORTUNATE. 

HORRIBLE  CATASTROPHE  WHICH  HAPPENED  TO  CAPTAIN  FUSSEY  (OUR  LADIES'  MAN)  ON  HIS  ARRIVAL  AT  THE  OPENING  MEET. 
NEW  COAT,  NEW  BOOTS,  NEW  HORSE,  NEW  EVERYTHING  !    HARD  LUCK  ! 


THAT  FAT  BOY  AGAIN ! 

A  PICKWICKIAN  FRAGMENT  UP  TO  DATE. 

[Lord  ROSEBERY,  speaking  at  the  opening  of  the  Technical  College  at.Col- 
chester,  said  "he  was  afraid  of  the  Germans,"  warned  England  against  the 
danger  of  being  thirty  years  behind  Germany  in  technical  and  commercial 
education,  and  said  that  the  result  of  an  inquiry  into  the  matter  would  "produce 
a  compact  and  handy  volume  which  would  make  all  your  hair  stand  on  end."] 
****** 

IT  was  the  Old  Lady's  habit  to  sit  quietly  and  contentedly  in 
the  old  arbour — which  was  also  a  harbour  (of  refuge) — of  which 
she  was  so  proud,  as  defying  competition  by  her  friends,  much 
more  demolition  by  her  enemies.  From  behind  a  peg  in  the 
Old  Lady's  chamber,  she  took  a  close,  helm-shaped  black  satin 
bonnet,  a  warm  cotton-shawl  of  a  bunting-like  texture  and  florid 
flag-pattern,  and  a  thick  stick  with  a  curious  tri-form  handle ; 
and  the  Old  Lady,  having  put  on  the  bonnet  and  shawl  at  her 
leisure — for  she  disliked  hurry,  did  this  Old  Lady,  exceedingly, 
and  all  new-fangled  notions  in  dress  or  demeanour — walked  also 
leisurely  to  her  favourite  arbour.  Like  another  Old  Lady — her  of 
Threadneedle  Street — she  loved  to  take  things  easily,  and  follow 
old  fashions,  as,  indeed,  is  the  way  with  old  ladies  in  general. 

The  Old  Lady  was  very  precise  and  particular;  and  as  this 
ceremony  had  been  observed  for  goodness  knows  how  many  years 
without  the  slightest  deviation  from  the  accustomed  form,  she 
was  not  a  little  surprised,  on  this  particular  morning,  to  see  the 
Fat  Boy,  instead  of  quietly  leaving  her  in  her  comfortable  seat 
in  the  arbour,  walk  a  few  paces  away,  look  carefully  round  in 
every  direction,  and  return  towards  her  with  great  stealth  and 
an  air  of  the  most  profound  mystery. 

The  Old  Lady  was  timorous — most  old  ladies  are — and  the  Fat 
Boy's  unwonted  manner  and  movements  alarmed,  or,  as  she 
said,  "  worrited  "  her. 

"Drat  that  boy!"  she  muttered;  "whatever  ails  him  lately? 
He  used  to  be  such  a  silent  lad,  though  he  always  did  stare,  like 
—like  a  sleepless  codfish.  But  now  he  's  always  bothering  a  poor 
old  body,  about  burglars,  and  designing  neighbours  with  an  eye 


on  my  property,  and  so-called  Christians  as  are  worse  than  regu- 
lar Turks  for  joint  wiciousness  and  individual  ill-will.  And  since 
he  fell  out  with  his  fellow-servant,  WILLIAM,  he  seems  wuss  than 
ever.  What  does  ail  the  boy  ?  " 

She  watched  his  motions  with  feelings  of  alarm,  which  were 
in  no  degree  diminished  by  his  coming  close  up  to  her,  and 
shouting  in  her  ear  in  an  agitated  and,  as  it  seemed  to  her,  a 
warning  tone :  — 

"  Missus  111" 

"Well,  PRIMMY,"  said  the  trembling  Old  Lady,  "what's  the 
bogey,  now  ?  Nasty  neighbours  again,  Rumrooshians,  or  terrible 
Turks  eh  P  " 

"  No !  "  said  the  Fat  Boy,  emphatically.     "  GERMANS  11!" 

"  What  does  the  boy  mean  ?  "  cried  the  Old  Lady,  trembling. 

"  Germans  1 "  repeated  the  Fat  Boy,  ogling  her  oracularly. 
"  Technical  Teutons  I  Cunning  tow-headed  commercial  travellers, 
fellows  thirty  years  ahead  of  you  in  teaching,  who  mean  to 
deprive  you  of  your  favourite  arbour,  and  collar  all  your  trade — 
ah  1  and  are  a-doing  of  it,  too,  like  one  o'clock  1 " 

"  Good  gracious,  boy  1 "  cried  the  Old  Lady ;  "  what  do  you 
mean,  and  what  do  you  want  to  do,  now  ?  " 

"  I  wants  to  make  yer  flesh  creep !  "  replied  the  Fat  Boy. 


With  the  New  Forest  Hounds. 

First  Cavalier.  That  new  horse  of  yours  doesn't  seem  to  be 
much  of  a  jumper. 

Second  Cavalier.  No ;  but  he 's  a  deuced  cunning  chap  at 
picking  his  way  through  rabbit  holes. 

The  Delights  O-  Football. 

Amy.  I  suppose  that  your  poor  brother  lost  his  left  leg  and 
right  eye  fighting  for  his  country  ? 

Rose  (proudly).  Oh,  no,  dear!  He  lost  them  playing  for  bis 
county.  Brave  old  fellow  I 


203 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  31,  1896. 


JOTTINGS    AND   TITTLINGS. 

(Bv  BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO  JABBERJEE,  B.A.) 

No.  XXVI. 

Mr.  Jabberjee  expresses  some  audaciously  sceptical  opinions.  How  he 
secured  his  first  Salmon,  with  the  manner  in  which  he  presented  it  to 
his  divinity. 

OWING  mainly  to  lack  of  opportunity,  invitations,  et  ccetera,  1 
have  not  resumed  the  offensive  against  members  of  the  grouse 
department,  but  have  rather  occupied  myself  in  laborious  study 
of  Caledonian  dialects,  as  exemplified  in  sundry  local  works  ol 


"  Whether  h«  had  wha-haed  wi'  Hon'ble^  Wallace  ?  " 

poetical  and  prose  fiction,  until  I  should  be  competent  to  con- 
verse with  the  aborigines  in  their  own  tongue. 

Then  (having  now  the  diction  of  Poet  BURNS  in  my  fingers' 
ids)  I  did  genially  accost  th$  first  native  I  met  in  the  street  of 
Evilpaitrick,  complimenting  him  upon  his  honest,  sonsie  face,  and 
inquiring  whether  he  had  wha-haed  wi'  Hon'ble  WALLACE,  and 
vas  to  bruise  the  Peckomaut,  or  ca'  the  knowes  to  the  yowes. 
But,  from  the  intemperance  of  his  reply,  I  divined  that  he  was 
;otally  without  comprehension  of  my  meaning  1 

Next  I  addressed  him  by  turns  in  the  phraseologies  of  Misters 
BLACK,  BARRIE,  and  CROCKETT,  Esquires,  interlarding  my  speech 
with  "  whatefers,"  and  "  hechs,"  and  "  ou-ays,"  and  "  dod-mons," 
and  "loshes,"  and  "tods,"  ad  libitum,  to  which,  after  listening 
vith  the  most  earnest  attention,  he  returned  the  answer  that 
was  not  acquainted  with  any  Oriental  language. 
Nor  could  I  by  any  argument  convince  this  beetle-head  that  I 
was  simply  speaking  the  barbarous  accents  of  his  native  land ! 

Since  which,  after  some  similar  experiments  upon  various 
peasants,  &c.,  I  have  made  a  rather  peculiar  discovery. 

There  is  no  longer  any  such  article  as  a  separate  Scottish 
anguage,  and,  indeed,  I  am  in  some  dubitation  whether  it  evei 
existed  at  all,  and  is  not  rather  the  waggish  invention  of  certain 
audacious  Scottishers,  who  have  taken  advantage  of  the  insular 
'gnorance  and  credulity  of  the  British  public  to  palm  off  upon 
t  several  highly  fictitious  kinds  of  unintelligible  gibberish! 

Nay,  I  will  even  go  farther  and  express  a  grave  suspicion 
whether  the  Scotland  of  these  bookish  romances  is  not  the  daring 
mposture  of  a  ben  trovato.  For,  after  a  prolonged  residence  of 


over  a  fortnight,  I  have  never  seen  anything  approaching  a 
mountain  pass,  nor  a  dizzy  crag,  surmounted  by  an  eagle,  nor 
any  stag  drinking  itself  full  at  eve  among  the  shady  trunks  of 
a  deer-forest !  I  have  never  met  a  single  mountaineer  in  feminine 
bonnet  and  plumes  and  short  petticoats,  and  pipes  inserted  in  a 
bag.  Nor  do  the  inhabitants  dance  in  the  street  upon  crossed 
sword-blades^— this  is  purely  a  London  practice.  Nor  have  I  seen 
any  Caledonian  snuffing  his  nostrils  with  tobacco  from  the  dis- 
carded horn  of  some  ram. 

Finding  that  my  short  kilt  is  no  longer  the  mould  of  national 
form,  I  have  now  altogether  abandoned  it,  while  retaining  the  fox- 
tailed  belly-purse  on  account  of  its  convenience  and  handsome 
appearance. 

Now  let  me  proceed  to  narrate  how  I  became  the  captor  of  a 
large-sized  salmon. 

Having  accepted  the  loan  of  Mister  CRTJM'S  fishing-wand,  and 
attached  to  my  line  certain  large  flies,  composed  of  black  hairs, 
red  worsted,  and  gilded  thread,  which  it  seems  the  salmons  prefer 
even  to  worms,  I  sallied  forth  along  the  riparian  bank  of  a  river, 
and  proceeded  to  whip  the  stream  with  the  severity  of  Emperor 
XERXES  when  engaged  in  flagellating  the  ocean. 

But  waesucks  1  (to  employ  the  perhaps  spurious  verbiage  of 
aforesaid  Poet  BURNS)  my  fine,  owing  to  superabundant  longi- 
tude, did  promptly  become  a  labyrinth  of  Gordiau  knots,  and  the 
flies  (which  are  named  Zulus)  attached  their  barbs  to  my  cap 
and  adjacent  bushes  with  well-nigh  inextricable  tenacity,  until 
at  length  I  had  the  bright  idea  to  abbreviate  the  line,  so  that  I 
could  dangle  my  bait  a  foot  or  two  above  the  surface  of  the 
water — where  a  salmon  could  easily  obtain  it  by  simply  turning 
a  somersault. 

However,  after  sitting  patiently  for  an  hour,  as  if  on  a  monu- 
ment, I  could  not  succeed  in  catching  the  eye  of  any  passing 
fish,  and  so,  severely  disheartened  by  my  ill-luck,  I  was  strolling 
on,  shouldering  my  rod,when — odzooks  1  whom  should  I  encounter 
but  Mister  BAQSHOT  and  a  party  of  friends,  who  were  watching 
his  keepers  capture  salmons  from  a  boat  by  means  of  a  large  net, 
a  far  more  practical  and  effectual  method  than  the  cumbersome 
and  unreliable  device  of  a  meretricious  fly  with  a  very  visible 
hookl 

And,  just  as  I  approached,  the  net  was  drawn  towards  the 
bank,  and  proved  to  contain  three  very  large  lively  fishes  lashing 
their  tails  with  ungovernable  fury  at  such  detention  1 

Whereupon  I  made  the  humble  petition  to  Mister  BAOSHOT 
that,  since  he  was  now  the  favourite  of  Fortune,  he  was  to  re- 
member him  to  whom  she  had  denied  her  simpers,  and  bestow 
upon  me  the  most  mediocre  of  the  salmons,  since  I  was  desirous 
to  make  a  polite  offering  to  the  amiable  daughter  of  my  host 
and  hostess. 

And  with  munificent  generosity  he  presented  me  with  the 
largest  of  the  trio,  which,  with  great  jubilation,  I  endeavoured  to 
carry  off  under  my  arm,  though  severely  baffled  by  the  extreme 
slipperiness  with  which  (even  after  its  decease)  it  repeatedly 
wallowed  in  dust,  until  someone,  perceiving  my  fix,  good- 
naturedly  instructed  me  how  to  carry  it  by  perforating  its  head 
with  a  piece  of  string. 

I  found  Miss  WEE- WEE  in  a  secluded  garden  seat  at  the  back  of 
the  Manse,  incommoded,  as  usual,  by  the  society  of  Mister  CRUM. 
"Sir,"  I  said,  addressing  him  politely  (for  I  was  extremely 
anxious  for  his  departure,  since  I  could  not  well  present  my 
salmon  to  Miss  WEE-WEE  and  request  the  quid-pro-quo  of  her 
affection  in  his  presence),  "accept  my  gratitude  for  the  usufruct 
of  your  rod,  which  has  produced  magnificent  fruit.  You  will 
find  the  instrument  leaning  against  the  palings  of  the  front 
garden."  And  with  this  I  made  secret  signals  to  Miss  WEE-WEE 
that  she  was  to  dismiss  him ;  but  she  remained  bashful,  and  he 
seemed  totally  unaware  that  he  was  the  drug  of  the  market  I 

At  last,  weary  of  concealing  my  captured  salmon  any  longer 
behind  the  small  of  my  back,  I  was  about  to  inform  Mister  CRUM 
that  he  had  Miss  LOUISA'S  permission  to  absent  himself,  when 
she  broke  the  silence  by  informing  me  that,  as  the  old  familiar 
friend  of  both  parties,  I  was  to  be  the  first  to  hear  a  piece  of 
news — to  wit,  that  DONAI.D  (Mister  C.'s  baptismal  appellation; 
and  she  were  just  become  the  engaged  couple  I 

I  was  so  overcome  by  grief  and  indignation  at  her  perfidious 
duplicity  (since  she  had  frequently  encouraged  me  in  my 
mockeries  of  her  admirer's  uncouthness  and  rusticity),  that  I 
stuck  in  the  throat,  and  then  flung  the  salmon  violently  across 
a  boundary  hedge  into  a  yard  of  poultry. 

"  Madam,"  I  said,  "  that  fish  was  to  have  been  laid  at  your 
:eet  as  the  visible  pledge  of  my  devotion.  You  have  not  only 
!ost  the  gift  of  a  splendid  salmon,  but  have  thrown  away  the 
heart  of  a  well-educated  native  B.A.  and  Member  of  the  Bar! 
And  you  have  gained — hoity  toityl  What?  Why,  a  Scotch 
Bun ! " 


OCTOBER  31,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


209 


But  almost  immediately  I  was  taken  by  violent  remorse  for 
my  presumption,  and  shed  the  tears  of  contrition,  entreat  inj 
forgiveness — nay,  more,  I  scrambled  through  a  hole  in  a  ver^ 
thorny  hedge,  and,  recovering  the  salmon  (which  had  not  hac 
time  to  become  very  severely  henpecked),  I  begged  them  to 
accept  it  between  them  as  a  token  of  my  esteem  and  gooc 
wishes,  which  they  joyfully  consented  to  do.  I  had  expecte< 
that  my  worthy  host  and  hostess  would  have  shared  mj 
astounded  disappointment  on  hearing  of  their  daughter's  engage 
ment;  but,  on  the  contrary,  they  received  the  news  with 
smiling  complacency. 

It  appears  that  Mr.  CHUM,  though  endowed  with  a  somewhat 
sheepish  and  bucolical  exterior,  is  of  tip-top  Scottish  caste 
and  lineage,  and  the  landed  proprietor. 

I  am  not  to  deny  the  attractiveness  of  such  qualities,  though 
I  had  hitherto  been  under  the  Fool's  Paradise  of  an  impression 
that  they  would  have  infinitely  preferred  this  humble  self  as  a 
son-in-law. 

However,  I  am  now  emerging  from  my  doleful  dumps,  with 
the_  reflection  that,  after  all,  it  is  contrary  to  common-sense  to 
drain  the  cup  of  misery  to  the  dregs  for  so  totally  inadequate 
a  cause  as  the  ficklety  of  any  feminine  1 

Suggested  by  the  Cab  Strike. 

(A  Word  of  Advice  to  Jehus.) 

HANSOMS  and  growlers  together, 
Fares  don't  care  for  your  love  or  your  war  1 

In  this  coming  November 

Just  please  to  remember 
You  Ve  a  rival — the  new  motor  car  1 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

"  VENI,  Vidi,  Vici ! "    The  remark  has  been  made  before,  or 
it  might  have  served  to  tell  The  Story  of  My  Life,  which  Sir 
RICHARD  TEMPLE,  under  the  fostering  care  of  CASSELL'S,  has  ex- 
panded into  two  volumes.  The  resources  of  type  in  the  mammoth 
establishment  in  La  Belle  Sauvage  Yard  are  practically  illimit- 
able.    But  it  is  probable  that  when  these  two  volumes  were  set 
up  there  was  scarcity  in  the  "  box  "  containing  the  first  person 
singular.     It  is  to  some  extent  inevitable  when  a  man  writes  his 
autobiography  that  he  should  have  frequent  recourse  to  the  letter 
I.     Sir  RICHARD  TEMPLE  literally  peppers  the  pronoun  over  his 
pages.     In  the  evening  of  his  days,  reviewing  his  career,  he  is 
honestly  lost  in  loving  admiration  of  his  own  achievements.  "  For 
sixteen  years  I  governed  about  115  millions  of  British  subjects.   .  . 
For  five  years  I  conducted  the  finances  of  British  India.  .  .  I 
personally  supervised  and  commanded  in  the  field  the  operations 
for  the  relief  of  famine  for  two  occasions,   on  a  gigantic  and 
unprecedented    scale.  .  .  I   governed,    at   different   times,    the 
provinces  which  included  both  the  capital  cities,  Calcutta  and 
Bombay."     This  is  a  summary  of  big  achievements.     Incident- 
ally, we  learn  how  "  the  villagers  loved  to  watch  me,  the  pale- 
faced,  beardless  Anglo-Saxon,  seated  against  the  trunk  of  some 
monarch    of   the    grove,   dispensing    patriarchal    justice."     Sir 
RICHARD  ever   has  an  eye   for   scenic   effect.     Thus,    "  on    the 
day  of  my  leaving  Lahore,  I  spoke  my  final  words  to  the  natives 
standing  in  front  of  the  old  Moslem   gateway  under  the  um- 
brageous   trees."     But     though    consciously    decorative    him- 
self,  he    is    not    niggardly    in    his    admission  of   corresponding 
beauty  in  other  directions.     There  is  a  pretty  scene  of  his  un- 
expectedly coming  upon  the  Himalayas.     "Instinctively  I  take 
off  my  white  helmet  to  salute  the  peerless  mountains  on  this 
my  first  sight  of  them."     Like  ways  they  bows.     My  Baronite  can 
well  imagine   how,  had  time   and  place    been   convenient,    Sir 
RICHARD  would  have  taken  on  each  arm  a  couple  of  the  youngest 
and  prettiest  of  the  Himalayas,  and  led  them  off  to  show  them 
the  tea-room  of  the  House  of  Commons,  the  lobby,  the  terrace, 
ind  the  table  in  the  library  at  which  the    late    Member    for 
Evesham  used  to  sit.     All  this — or  a  little  of  it — is  funny.     But  as 
often  happens  the  well  of  tears  is  near  the  source  of  laughter.  Sir 
RICHARD  TEMPLE'S  career  in  India  was  one  of  unbroken  success, 
i  triumph  achieved  by  high  capacity  and  stupendous  industry. 
His  career  in  the  House  of  Commons  was  a  lamentable,  occasion- 
ally a  ludicrous  failure.  In  March,  1880,  he  resigned  the  Governor- 
ship of  Bombay  and  hastened  home  to  take  part  in  the  General 
Election.     For  him,  the  House  of  Commons  was  merely  a  new 
srorld  to  conquer.     It  would  be  India  over  again,  only  with  more 
brilliant  results.     Beaten  in  East  Worcestershire  in  1880,  he  was 
returned  for  Evesham  in  1885.     It  was  characteristic  of  him  that 
ie  made  his  maiden  speech  on  the  first  night  of  the  first  session 
of  a  new  Parliament.     That  was  of  itself  sufficient  to  predicate 


THE  AUTOMATIC  UMBRELLA  AND  CAB-CALL. 


DKOP  A" FENNY  IN  THE  SLOT,  AND  PROTECT  YOURSELF  FROM  THE 
SHOWER,  AND  WAIT  TILL  THE  HANSOM  ARRIVES. 


failure.  Through  seven  sessions  he  stubbornly  fought  against 
the  prejudices  of  the  House.  At  first  amazed  that  it  would  not 
listen  to  him,  then  angry,  at  length  subdued.  Finally,  at  the 
dissolution  of  1892,  he  resolved  to  retire  to  "  my  ancestral  home," 
and  write  the  story  of  a  life  that  should  prove  to  a  scoffing 
House  of  Commons  that  the  eighteenth  century  had  not  a 
monopoly  of  Indian  administrators  of  the  stamp  of  WARREN 
HASTINGS  and  CLIVE. 

Had  Mr.  E.  E.  BENSON  taken  a  hint  from  his  own  title  of 
Limitations,  and  limited  the  dialogue  of  his  characters  to 
just  one  half  of  what  he  has  given  them  to  say,  at  the  same 
time  enlivening  them  all  round  with  something  to  do,  his  novel 
with  the  above  title  would  have  been  half  its  present  bulk,  but 
its  value  would  have  been  doubled.  The  dialogue  is  bright,  not 
so  bright  as  to  be  of  dazzling  brilliancy,  but  just  so  steadily  bright 
as  to  weary  the  reader's  attention  and  induce  him  to  close  his 
eyes  and  the  book.  Now  this  ought  not  to  be,  as  the  dramatis 
persona  are  few,  distinctly  drawn,  and  true  to  life  :  the  story  is 
is  "  simple  as  bonjour,"  and  the  picturesque  descriptions,  notably 
;hat  of  Athens,  are  excellent.  The  misfortune  of  having  previously 
written  a  novel  so  successful  as  Dodo  handicaps  its  author  with 
;he  public.  Mr.  BENSON  has  to  go  one  better  than  Dodo.  That 
VIr.  BENSON  is  a  student  of  certain  popular  contributions  to 
Mr.  Punch's  popular  periodical  is  evidenced  by  one  of  his  light- 
md-leading  characters  suggesting  that  a  piece  of  sculpture  should 
je  executed  from  University  models  and  called  "  Typical  Develop- 
ments of  Modern  Dons."  The  magnum  opus,  "  Typical  Develop- 
ments," projected  to  be  in  several  volumes,  and  started  many 
rears  ago  by  the  anonymous  diarist  of  Happy  Thoughts,  has  never, 
he  Baron  believes,  advanced  farther  than  the  note-book  stage.  A 
x>st-inortem  examination  of  this  wonderful  collection  may  pro- 
luce  a  posthumous  work  of  unexampled  interest,  as  it  was  in- 
ended  to  be  a  book  of  the  very  rarest  ideas ;  onlyf  the  ideas 
>ecoming  rarer  and  rarer  every  day,  most  of  the  pages  in  the  vari- 
us  volumes,  all  pre-arranged,  panned  out,  and  pre-named  in  order, 
till  remain  blank.  However,  this  is  just  thrown  in  as  a  hint 
x>  Mr.  BENSON  in  case  his  sculpturing  character  should  need  a 
ew  that  might  be  useful  to  the  Typical  Developer,  whose 
iffice  it  clearly  is,  not  to  originate  but  to  develop.  So  says 

THE  BARON. 


210 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  31,  1896 


AT   THE    RINK 

He.  "I  SAY   WHEN  ALICE  MARRIED  THAT  LITERARY  FELLOW,  SHE  SAID  HE  WAS  GOIN*  TO  RAISE  HER  TO  A  HIGHER  LIFE    AND 

ALL  THAT  SORT  OF   THING,    DON*TCHERKNOW."  She.    "AND  DID  HE?"  He.    "YES;    THEY'RE  LIVING   IN   AN  ATTIC  NOW  !  " 


IN  TRAFALGAR  SQUARE. 

A  Memory  of  October  21,  1896. 
["  May  the  Great  God  whom  I  adore  grant  to  my 
country,  and  for  the  benefit  of  Europe  in  general,  a 
great  and  glorious  victory  ;  and  may  no  misconduct 
in  any  one  tarnish  it ;  and  may  humanity  after 
victory  be  the  predominant  feature  in  the  British 
fleet.  For  myself  individually,  I  commit  my  life  to 
Him  who  made  me ;  and  may  His  blessing  light 
upon  my  endeavours  for  serving  my  country  faith- 
fully. To  Him  I  resign  myself  and  the  just  cause 
which  is  entrusted  to  me  to  defend !  " — Nelson's 
Prayer  on  the  morning  of  Trafalgar  Day.~\ 

THE    memories    of    greatness    make    men 

great, 
Till  the  chill  pulse  of  coward  fear  and 

greed 

Palsies  the  slackened  sinews  of  the  State. 
Great  sailor  I     Here  to-day  let  England 

heed 

Her  best-loved  hero's  lesson,  written  large 
In  that  brief  life  whose  fame  is  England's 

charge  1 

Priceless  possession,  of  all  precious  gifts 
Most  precious,  is  the  record  of  the  man, 
Heedless  of  odds  or  diplomatic  shifts, 

So  that  hia  patriot  heart  in  honour's  van 
Might  strike  for  that  "just  cause,"  unto 

life's  end, 

"  Which  is  entrusted  to  me  to  defend  I  " 
Certain  there  be  to-day  that  curl  the  lip 

In  cynic^  scorn  at  mere  "humanity," 
And  "sentiment,"  which  lets  large  chances 

slip ; 
Would  bid  self-interest  rule  on  shore  or 

sea 

Our  island  policy, pledged  to  things  thatpay, 
And  swell  our  powers.     It  was  not  NEL- 
SON'S way  1 


It  may  be  that  reminder  shall  strike  home 
Where     gentler     pleadings     fail.       No 

shouter  he, 
No   mere    emotional    thing   of  froth    and 

foam ; 

He  struck  for  "  great  and  glorious  vic- 
tory," 
And  gained  it,  dying,  strong,  yet  soft  of 

mood, 
For   England's   glory,    and   for    Europe's 

goodl 
Yon    wreathed   column,    those    memorial 

flowers, 
This  thronging  crowd  whose  thoughts  a 

moment  lift 

High  as  the  effigy  which  above  us  towers, 

Passingly  conscious  of  the  glorious  gift 

Of  such  a  memory — shall  their  influence 

fail, 
Or  pass,  unfruitful,  like  an  old  wife's  tale  ? 

Illustrious  seaman,  we  are  sea-lords  still, 
And  must  be,  till  that  sea  o'ersweeps 

our  fame, 

Burying  all  records  of  the  valour,  skill, 
Love   and  devotion   which   upbuilt  our 

name 

As  rulers  of  the  waves  that  wash  our  coast. 
Shall  sordid  thrift  leave   that  an  empty 

boast  P 
Hold  firm,   hold  fast,   ye  countrymen  of 

him 

Whose  memory  is  best  honoured  by  re- 
solve 

To  let  the  fame  he  won  you  never  dim, 
Whilst  the  waves  leap,  and  whilst  the 

stars  revolve. 

Europe  in  arms  we  may  have  yet  to  meet ; 
Bid  party  strife  "  hands  off "  the  British 
Fleet ! 


But  let  not  grasping  greed  or  craven  fear 
Plant  the  white  feather  in  our  England's 
helm  I 

There  may  be — as  there  have  been — dan- 
gers near, 

And  banded  foes  may  menace  to  o'er- 
whelm ; 

But  ill  'twill  be  with  England  when,  for 
Right, 

Like  NELSON,  against  odds  she  dares  net 
fight. 

The   braggart  oft  turns  poltroon  at  the 

pinch, 

Timidity  as  wisdom  loves  to  mask  ; 
When  honour  calls  it  is  not  safe  to  flinch, 
Not  the  wise  Titan  shirks  the  Titan  task ; 
And  they  will  never  rank  with  history's 

gods 
Who  too  solicitously  count  the  odds. 

Humanity — whereat  the  swaggerer  rails — 
Is  not  "  predominant  partner,"  hints  a 
chief, 

Who,  mayhap  numbering  dauntless  NEL- 
SON'S sails 

At    Trafalgar,    had    stayed    him !      His 
belief 

Was  that  humanity,  fearing  no  defeat, 

Was    "  the    predominant    feature    in    our 
Fleet!" 

Humanity  with  Duty  hand  in  hand, 

Served  the  great  patriot  seaman  to  the 
last. 

So   shall  they    serve   our   NELSON'S   well- 
loved  land, 

Whilst  courage  to  their  counsels  to  hold 
fast 

Fires  our  defenders  as  it  fired  him  then. 

Such  to   her  hero's   prayer   is   England's 
best  "  Amen  " ! 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.— OCTOBER  31,  1896. 


PREPARING  HIS   SPEECH. 

MB.  JOE  CH-MB-BL-N  (to  Umself).  "  '  IN  SHOET,  GENTLEMEN— IP  YOU  ARE  ONLY  TRUE  TO  YOUR 
PRINCIPLES,  ANY  ONE  OP  YOU  MAY  BECOME— AS  I  HAVE  DONE— A  MINISTER  IN  A  LIBER— I 
SHOULD  SAY  IN  A  CONSERV— I  BEG  PARDON— I  SHOULD  SAY  IN  AN  UNIONIST  GOVERNMENT.'  H'M 
—RATHER  CONFUSING— I  DON'T  THINK  THAT  'LL  QUITE  DO  !  " 

[Mr.  CHAMBERLAIN  is  announced  to  speak  to-night,  Wednesday,  October  28,  at  the  Jubilee  Union  of  the  Birmingham  Debating  Society.] 


OCTOBER  31,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


213 


SPOETIVE  SONGS. 

On  a  fine  night  a  Financier  remembers  in  a  well- 
known  pleasaunce  tlie  Moonlight  of  other  days. 
THE  moon  to-iiight  shines  full  and  fair, 

Her  gentle  tones  make  argentine 
The  oak  and  chestnut  nearly  bare, 

And  deepen  snadows  of  the  pine. 
The  manor  house,  all  red  by  day, 

Is  silvered  to  a  deadly  wnite, 
And  here  and  Uiere  a  long  bright  ray 

Pierces  the  copse  with  spear  of  light. 

Just  twenty  years  ago  the  scene 

Was  just  the  same  for  you  and  me  1 
The  moon  was  full ;  the  weirdlike  sheen 

Made  glamour  round  our  trysting  tree, 
The  beech,  that  all  our  secrets  knew, 

And  never  once  our  trust  betrayed; 
A  loyal-hearted  friend,  so  true 

That  e'en  his  fall  of  leaf  he  stayed. 
We  spoke  our  vows,  as  lovers  will, 

Arranged  a  life-long  plan  of  dreams  1 
While  on  our  rapture,  calm  and  still, 

The   moon  looked  down   with   blessing 

beams  1 
As  though  she  said,  "  My  children,  this 

Is  but  a  forecast  of  your  joy. 
Oh,  prithee  join  another  kissl 

Thrice    happy    maidl      Brave    constant 

boy  I" 
This  mute  advice  we  did  not  need — 

It  naturally  came  to  both — 
But  still  we  gave  Diana  meed 

For  thus  approving  of  our  troth. 
Your  father's  wrath  I  swore  to  dare 

For  you,  my  sweetest  empress-queen  I 
Though  sovereigns  I  'd  none  to  spare ; 

And  you  were  only  seventeen  1 

Your  sire  was  one  to  cut  a  dash, 

Lord  of  the  park  wherein  we  stood. 
He  never  wanted  ready  cash, 

And  ever  had  a  princely  mood  1 
Oh  1  how  I  quailed  beneath  his  eye, 

And  envied  him  his  lavish  reign  U— 
Before,  somehow,  he  had  to  fly, 

And  seek  another  home  in  Spain  1 

And  you  went,  too  1    Some  whiskered  Don 

Mayhap  has  claimed  you  for  his  wife , 
Perhaps,  like  me,  you  think  upon, 

Sometimes,  the  ironies  of  life. 
I  now  am  rich,  am  not  afraid 

Of  any  cavalier's  doubloon  I 
Diana  should  have  lent  her  aid 

To  us,  when  Father  shot  the  moon  1 


"THE  SORROWS  OF-SOLICITORS." 

SIB, — Why  should  the  public  pay  three, 
nay  four,  lawyers  to  do  the  work  of  one  f 

The  junior  counsel  is  altogether  super- 
fluous, yet  "the  etiquette  of  the  Bar" 
prescribes  that  a  Q.C.  shall  not  appear  in 
Court  without  a  junior. 

If  a  litigant  may  and  does  appear  in 
Court  in  person,  why  should  he  not  be 
represented  by  his  solicitor,  thus  doing 
away  with  two  unnecessary  lawyers? 

To  carry  the  idea  a  step  farther,  why 
should  a  litigant  be  forced  to  appear  either 
in  person  or  by  counsel  before  a  judge, 
who  is  himself  a  lawyer? 

Why  should  not  the  solicitors  for  the 
respective  parties  arrange  matters  between 
themselves  without  the  intervention  of  a 
judge,  thus  doing  away  with  the  third  un- 
necessary lawyer? 

By  this  simple  arrangement  only  one 
lawyer  would  remain,  namely, 

Your  obedient  servant, 

London,  October.         BEDFORD  ROWB. 

SIB, — I  have  been  in  practice  for  ninety- 
nine  years,  and  consider,  therefore,  that 
I  am  authorised  to  speak  on  this  question. 


The  curse  of  our  profession  is  over- 
crowding, owing,  I  believe,  to  the  modern 
craze  for  examinations. 

A  young  fellow  finds  that  by  steady 
"cram"  he  can  pass  the  three  qualifying 
"  exams,"  as  he  calls  them,  and  be  ad- 
mitted. In  my  days,  the  examination 
was  a  mere  matter  of  form,  and  neither 
cleverness  nor  "  cram  "  were  necessary  to 
satisfy  the  then  examiners. 

My  proposal  is  to  do  away  with  the  at- 
traction of  the  "exams"  altogether,  and, 
as  experientia  docet,  not  to  admit  any  soli- 
citor who  has  been  less  than  ten  years  in 
a  lawyer's  office,  and  who  is  under  forty 
years  of  age.  I  am,  yours,  &c., 

OLD  PRACTITIONER. 

Burgess  Hill,  October. 

DEAR  SIR, — It  is  all  very  well  to  talk 
about  the  sorrows  of  a  solicitor,  but  look 
at  my  case. 

I  was  briefed  at  the  Blankshire  Sessions 
to  defend  a  prisoner  charged  with  stealing 
a  pair  of  boot-laces. 

Entirely  owing  to  my,  I  will  not  say  elo- 
quence, but  exertions  on  his  behalf,  the 
prisoner  got  off — with  twelve  months'  hard 
labour — and  so  did  his  solicitor;  he  did 
not  get  the  hard  labour,  but  he  got  off 
without  paying  my  fee. 

1  have  applied  to  him  at  the  address  en- 
dorsed on  the  back  sheet  (my  sole  instruc- 
tions) he  supplied  me  with,  but  he  is  not 
known  there. 

I  can  only  trust  that  by  the  time  I  am 
on  the  bench  he  will  be  discovered,  and 
brought  before  me,  and  if  he  is  not  a  sor- 
rowing solicitor  now,  he  will  be  then. 
Yours  disgustedly, 

Temple,  October.         ,  RISING  JUNIOR. 


SOMETHING  IN  ADVANCE. 


AT  a  meeting  of  the  L.  C.  C.  last  week, 
Colonel  FORD  moved  that  "the  Local 
Government  and  Taxation  Committee 
should  further  consider  and  report  with 
a  view  for  the  mitigation  or  suppression 
of  such  street  noises  as  constitute  a  public 
nuisance."  Bravo  1  Don't  waste  time  in 
" mitigating," ^ but  get  to  "suppression." 
"  Suppression  is  the  better  part  of  valour  " 
in  this  case.  Wandering  musicians  with 
inharmonious  instruments,  street  howlers, 
street  bands  in  London  one  and  all  with- 
out exception,  organs  of  all  kinds— away 
with  them!  And  let  Peace  be  with  us 
scribblers  and  invalids  who  can't  sit  at 
home  and  do  our  writing  and  thinking 
with  easel  War  to  the  itinerant  musi- 
cians! Let  them  be  the  expulses  of  Lon- 
don. Go  it,  gallant  Colonel  FORD,  L.C.C.  1 
Away  with  all  street  noises  except  the 
drum  and  pipes  of  the  Punch  and  Judy 
show  I 


THE  NEW  VERB. 

(As  Used  in  an  Auto/noting  Log-book.) 

A  SINGLE  word  for  "  to  travel  by  auto- 
motor  "  is  apparently  required.  Like 
"  to  bike,"  the  verb  "  to  mote "  has  been 
sniffed  at  by  purists.  It  has,  however, 
been  completely  conjugated  as  follows :  — 

(VERY)  ACTIVE  VOICE. 

PRESENT  TENSE. 
I  mote. 
Thou  stokest. 

He  looks  out  for  the  police. 
We  run  into  a  lamp-post. 
Ye  knock  a  man  over. 
They  pay  damages. 

FUTURE  TENSE. 
I  will  mote. 

Thou  shalt  come  along  with  me. 
He  will  sit  tight. 

We  shall  go  twenty  miles  an  hour. 
Ye  will  sell  your  horses. 
They  shall  eat  sausages. 

IMPERFECT  TENSE. 
I  was  moting. 
Thou  wast  trying  to  steer. 
He  was  carrying  a  red  flag  in  front. 
We  were  going  four  hours  a  mile. 
Ye  were  cussing  like  anything. 
They  were  giving  it  up  as  a  bad  job. 

PERFECT  TENSE. 
Wanting. 

FUTURE  PERFECT  TENSE. 
Wanted. 

PLUPERFECT  TENSE. 
I  had  walked. 
Thou  hadst  hiked. 
He  had  taken  a  hansom. 
We  had  gone  by  train. 
Ye  had  'bussed  it. 
They  had  stayed  at  home. 

SUBJUNCTIVE  PRESENT. 
I  may  mote. 

Thou  mayest  buy  me  a  motor. 
He  may  think  better  of  it.     (Aside.) 
We  may  start  to-morrow. 
Ye  may  meet  us. 
They  may  pick  up  the  pieces. 

SUBJUNCTIVE  IMPERFECT. 

I  might  mote. 

Thou  mightest  mote,  if  you  weren't 
such  a  silly  guffin. 

He  might  mote,  only  he  can't  afford  it. 

We  might  mote  in  the  dim  future. 

Ye  might  mote,  or,  on  the  other  hand, 
ye  mightn't. 

They  might  mote,  and  pigs  might  fly. 

IMPERATIVE. 

Mote  them  (by  moonlight  alone). 
Let  him  meet  some  other  gal. 
Let  us  get  down,  for  heaven's  sake ! 
Mote  ye — or  perish  in  the  attempt. 
Let  them  burst. 

PARTICIPLES. 
Present:  Moting. 
Past :  Sat  upon  by  coroner. 

PASSIVE  VOICE. 

The  subject  of  the  above  is  now  passive, 
and  has  no  further  voice  in  the  matter. 


THE  MOTTO  OF  ANGLO-PHOBE  THISTLJ 
EATERS  IN  NOBTH  AFBicA. — "  Nemo  me  in 
Tunis  lacessit."  But,  of  course,  bray 
away  at  England  in  Egypt  as  much  as  you 
like.  A  court-nez  does  not  always  mean 
the  absence  of  long  ears. 


214 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  31,  1896. 


OCTOBER  31,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


215 


A    WALLED    TOWN. 

EXTRACTS  FROM  THE  TRAVEL  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 
LAST  PAGE. — A  Dip  into  the  Future. 

Montreuil,  Monday. — There  is  something  better  in  store  for 
this  stretch  of  the  northern  coast  of  France  than  is  supplied  by 
the  tawdry  vulgarity  of  Paris-Plage.  JOHN  BLACKLEY  has  taken 
the  territory  in  hand,  and  will  presently  work  a  transformation 
scene.  JOHN  is  a  hard-headed,  Keen-sighted  Yorkshireman,  who 
has  spent  some  courses  of  a  useful  life  in  accomplishing  the 
apparently  impossible.  Other  people  visiting  Etaples,  driving 
to  Paris-Plage,  and  passing  onward  beyond  the  two  light- 
houses, saw  nothing  but  a  pine  forest  coming  down  to  the  marge 
of  a  beach  stretching  to  the  horizon.  JOHN  BLACKLEY  discerned 
in  it  the  making  of  an  international  watering-place  that  would 
beat  anything  at  present  going  either  in  Great  Britain  or  France. 

Situate  almost  exactly  midway  between  London  and  Paris, 
within  four  hours'  travel  of  either  point,  JOHN'S  prophetic  soul 
swelled  at  prospect  of  the  pleasure-loving  population  of  two 
capitals  racing  to  Mayville.  That  was  the  name  he  forthwith 
bestowed  upon  the  new  watering-place.  Five  minutes  later  he 
decided  that  (when  everything  is  completed)  the  new  para- 
dise shall  be  inaugurated  by  the  gracious  presence  of  the 
Duchess  of  YORK.  The  whole  thing  was  irresistibly  logical. 
The  place  was  called  (or  is  to  be  called)  Mayville.  The  Duchess 
of  YORK'S  maiden  name  was  the  Princess  MAY.  Q.  E.  D.  In 
other  words,  There  you  are  1 

That  settled,  JOHN  BLAOKLBY  went  to  work  to  prepare  every- 
thing for  the  inauguration.  He  secured  the  refusal  of  the 
property,  and  then  laid  it  out  on  the  most  beautiful  and  con- 
vincing maps.  Broad  roads  traverse  the  pine  wood.  A  row 
of  charming  villas  front  the  sea.  There  is  a  pier,  with  a  band 
upon  it,  a  casino,  a  racecourse,  and  golf  links  four  miles  long, 
in  contemplation  of  which  the  golf  champion  of  England  has 
been  thrown  into  a  state  of  ecstasy.  Finally,  in  order  that 
no  time  may  be  lost  by  the  crowd  making  their  way  to  May- 
ville, JOHN  BLACKLEY  has  arranged  for  a  branch  line  of  railway 
from  Etaples  to  the  sea-front,  a  distance  of  three  miles. 

Whilst  all  the  world  will  be  welcome  to  purchase  building 
sites  on  the  property,  JOHN  BLACKLEY,  shrewd  Yorkshireman  as 
he  is,  has  been  first  in  the  field.  He  has  selected  for  his 
private  residence  a  site  on  a  wooded  height,  commanding  rare 
views  of  land  and  sea.  Practical  in  every  detail,  he  has  had  a 
platform  built  among  the  branches  of  the  pine-trees  at  about 
the  level  of  his  drawing-room  window.  (Mem. — At  present  it  is 
the  only  building  in  Mayville.)  SARK  and  I  made  a  perilous 
ladder  ascent  and  viewed  the  prospect  o'er. 

"Yes,"  said  our  guide,  regarding  the  scene  with  soul  full  of 
content,  "this  will  be  JOHN  BLACKLEY'S  home.  We  are  stand- 
ing now  on  the  level  of  the  drawing-room.  The  dining-room 
wiD.  be  below,  opening  out  on  to  a  terrace.  There  are  the 
stables,  and  there  is  the  billiard-room." 

"Where?"  asked  SARK,  eagerly  following  the  indication  of 
the  outstretched  walking-stick. 

He  saw  nothing  but  the  top  of  a  pine-tree.  JOHN  BLACKLEY 
beheld  as  clearly  as  if  it  stood  there  the?  green  table  with  the  lights 
above,  the  high  benches  at  either  end  of  the  room,  the  marking- 
board  on  the  wall,  and  the  rack  full  of  cues.  He  even  heard  the 
rattling  of  the  billiard  balls.  Faintly,  in  the  dim  and  distant 
future  sounded  a  ghostly  voice,  "What's  the  score,  marker?" 

"Well,  it  beats  me,"  said  SARK,  when  we  had  carefully  de- 
scended from  the  level  of  a  drawing-room  in  a  house  for  the 
foundations  of  which  the  first  sod  has  not  yet  been  turned. 
"  But  mind  you,  that 's  the  way  big  things  are  done,  and  that 's 
the  sort  of  man  brings  them  to  pass." 

Certainly  there  is  fruitful  ground  to  till.  To  begin  with, 
Mayville  has  the  rare  advantage  of  combination  of  pine  forest 
and  sea  air.  The  story  of  the  forest  is  a  romance.  Seventy 
years  ago  Mayville  was  like  the  rest  of  this  part  of  the  coast, 
a  monotonous  waste  of  sandhills.  A  retired  Parisian  notary 
bought  many  acres  of  the  sand  heaps  for  a  mere  song.^  One 
day  it  occurred  to  him  that  he  would  turn  the  sandhills  into  a 
forest.  People  laughed  at  him,  but  he  went  his  way,  morning 
and  afternoon,  planting  pines  in  the  sand,  and  to-day  a  forest 
blooms,  where  at  the  beginning  of  the  century  stretched  a  wilder- 
ness of  sand.  As  for  the  beach,  SARK  avers  that  what  with  its 
length  and  breadth  and  openness  to  the  unbroken  sea,  it  reminds 
him  much  of  Biarritz. 

The  country  round  Mayville  is  full  of  historic  association. 
Within  easy  drive  through  leafy  lanes  is  an  ancient^  monastery, 
whose  chapel  has  for  centuries  witnessed  the  midnight  gather- 
ing of  a  cowled  congregation,  its  walls  echoing  with  sound 
of  praise  and  prayer.  At  Etaples,  three  miles  off,  is  the  house 


where  NAPOLEON  passed  two  nights  arranging  the  invasion  of 
England,  still  unaccomplished.  Yesterday  SABK  visited  th« 
field  of  Agincourt,  and  to-morrow  drives  to  Crecy.  Is  full  of 
his  good  fortune  at  Agincourt.  Met  there  an  old  sergeant,  who 
still  wears  the  badge  of  the  Duke  of  ALENCON.  He  fought  by  the 
Duke's  side,  pulled  out  the  arrow  that  pierced  his  breast,  attempted 
to  staunch  wound.  No  use.  The  old  man,  who  must  have  been 
in  the  thickest  of  the  fight,  also  assisted  at  the  obsequies  of  the 
Duke  of  BRABANT  and  the  Archbishop  of  SENS,  who  fell  on  that 
fateful  day. 

"  Seems  a  long  time  back,"  I  said,  musingly. 

SARK  admits  it  would  be  so  in  ordinary  case ;  but  in  respect  of 
great  battles,  always  one  or  two  survivors.  Besides,  this  old  soldier 
sold  to  SARK  a  horse-pistol,  part  of  a  crossbow,  a  buckle  with 


The  Old  Sergeant. 

S.  and  a  coronet  over  it  (evidently  from  the  belt  of  the  Earl  of 
Suffolk,  one  of  HENRY  THE  FIFTH'S  captains)  and  the  plume  from 
the  helmet  of  a  nameless  knight.  That  seems  to  settle  the 
matter. 

As  for  JOHN  BLACKLEY,  he  regards  these  great  battles  as 
having  been  fought  for  a  purpose  only  now  developing  itself. 

"They  might,"  he  says,  have  been  located  west  of  Havre, 
nearer  CalaiSj  or  south  of  Amiens.  But  then  they  would  not 
have  been  within  driving  distance  of  Mayville,  forming,  so  to 
speak,  extraneous  attractions  to  our  golf  links,  our  racecourse, 
our  pine  woods,  and  our  sea-bathing  conveniences.  Quite  clear 
to  me  why  Agincourt  and  Crecy  were  fought." 


"DOCKING  HORSES"  was  the  heading  of  a  paragraph  in  the 
Times  last  week.  "I  have  seen  rocking-horses,"  observed  an 

erudite  reader,  "but "    "You  don't  understand,"  said  the 

well-informed  party.     "  Boats  and  vessels  are  put  in  docks " 

"And  prisoners,"  interrupted  the  erudite.  The  well-informed 
withered  him  with  a  glance.  "I  am  speaking  of  the  expression 
'docking.'  If  a  ship  is  docked  and  a  horse  is  docked,  what  do 
they  bowi  possess  in  common  ?  Clearly  capacity  for  sea-voyaging. 
Ergo,  the  horses  that  are  docked  must  be  sea-horses."  "The 
rest  was  silence." 

THAT  lion  cub  born  in  the  Aquarium  on  Trafalgar  day  last 
week  "can  be  called  nothing  else,"  says  the  Daily  Chronicle, 
"  but  Nelson !  "  Of  course,  that 's  it,  Nelson,  tie  sea-lion  with 
the  "British  mane." 


216 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  31,  1896. 


Irish  Groom,   "WILL   YE   SEND  UP   TWO  SACKS    OF    OATS    AN*   A 

BUNDLE  AV   HAT." 

Voice  from  Telephone.    "  WHO  FOR  ?  " 

Irish  Groom.   "THE  HARSE,  AV  COORSE,  YE  FOOL!" 


AUGUSTE  EN  ANGLETERRE. 

DEAR  MISTER, — I  have  to  pick  one  bone  with  you,  or  rather 
with  a  certain  Mister  JABBERJEE,  jeune  redacteur  of  your  journal 
so  distinguished.  He  arrives  by  hazard  that,  being  at  the 
country,  at  Goring,  I  had  not  the  occasion  of  to  read  your 
journal,  and  that,  by  consequence,  I  saw  not  the  injuries  of 
Mister  JABBERJEE  before  of  to  expedite  to  you  my  last  letter. 
What  that  this  may  be  who  arrives,  I  go  to  be  calm.  In  France, 
at  the  moment  of  the  most  great  excitation,  the  word  of  order 
is  invariably,  "  Soyons  calm.es ! "  Me  also  I  say,  "  Be  we  calm  1 " 

But,  by  blue,  is  it  that  AUGUSTE  MONTMORENCI  DE  BASSOM- 
PIERRE  will  suffer  the  injuries  of  a  nigger,  of  a  man  who  is 
black,  of  a  man  who  names  himself  HURRY  BUNGSMO  ?  Sapristi, 
mais  non!  Truly,  until  here,  I  have  read  his  letters  with  a 
certain  sentiment  of  admiration  for  the  poor  Hindou,  who 
essayed  all  his  possible  for  to  learn  the  english  language  so 
difficult,  that  I  write  and  that  I  speak  so  currently.  I  thought  to 
my  proper  efforts  when  I  was  young  student,  and,  as  one  says 
in  english,  a  feeling  fellow  makes  one  wonderfully  kind. 

It  was  at  the  month  of  June,  1895,  that  I  had  the  honour 
of  to  address  to  you  my  first  letter.  At  that  epoch  there  Mister 
JABBERJEE  was  I  know  not  where.  There  is  but  ten  months 
that  he  commenced  his  letters.  And  now  he  says  to  me  some 
injuries,  to  me  that  he  calls  "  a  mere  Parisian  Frenchman,"  me  of 
who  the  family  was  noble  and  illustrious,  and  inhabited  her 
middle-aged  castle,  when  Paris  herself  was  but  the  chief-place 
of  a  little  kingdom,  and  when  the  Oriental  Indias  were  but  some 
oountrys  of  savages,  devastated  by  the  barbers  —  barbares! 
Sacre  nom  de  nom,  c'est  trop  fort !  But  be  we  calm ! 

Only  I  say  to  Mister  JABBERJEE  that,  if  he  would  to  come  in 
France,  there  is  two  of  my  friends,  journalists  of  Paris — and 
you  know,  dear  Mister,  that  the  Parisian  journalist  is  one  can 
not  more  ferocious — two  journalists,  I  say,  of  the  most  warriors, 
guerriers,  who  would  be  truly  enchanted  of  to  arrange  with  his 
witnesses  a  meeting  qiielque  part,  some  part.  But  I  doubt  my- 
self of  it  that  he  may  be  too  poltroon!  Then  there  is  the 
enerlish  duel,  the  box.  If  he  is  not  also  too  poltroon  for  that, 


my  faith,  I  will  make  him,  already  black,  blue  and  black  t  Well 
sure  1  if  I  encounter  him  some  part,  even  in  the  street,  I  will 
pull  that  "nose  of  a  cultivated  british  subject,"  of  which  he 
speaks  1  Mille  tonnerres I  Mais  soyons  calmest 

In  this  moment  here  it  is  a  little  difficult  to  continue  tranquilly 
the  recital  of  my  voyage.  Allans  done  !  I  rested  still  some  days 
at  Goring,  where  I  saw  one  time  the  fishers  at  the  border  of  the 
Thames,  entrapping  nothing,  all  to  fact  like  the  fishers  at  the 
border  of  the  Seine,  but  by  a  cold,  ah  ca,  un  froid !  And  then 
I  part  by  a  beating  rain,  une  pluie  battante,  and  I  go  all  the  long 
of  the  valley  of  the  Thames  until  London,  by  Reding,  Maiden- 
hed,  Tapelo,  Stanes,  from  where  I  see  all  at  the  far  the  castle 
of  the  great  and  illustrious  QUEEN,  and  partout  the  sky  is  grey 
and  he  falls  of  th«  rain — ah  mon  Dieu,  qwd  pays,  quel  climatt — 
and  at  London  also,  and  at  the  beyond,  until  to  this  that  we 
arrive  to  Brighton.  And  there,  where  auparavant  I  have  seen 
but  some  rain,  he  makes  fine.  C '  est  epatant !  After  my  voyage  in 
railway  I  hasten  myself  of  to  make  a  little  walk  by  the  fine  time. 

Et  voila,  almost  the  first  thing  that  I  see,  in  going  out  from 
the  hotel,  it  is  a  saltimbanque ,  a  singer  of  the  streets,  that  which 
you  call  a  "nigger."  There  is  much  of  them  at  Brighton,  and 
enough  diverting  sometimes,  not  like  the  horrible  organs  of  the 
streets,  or  the  vendors  of  journals  who  shout  frightfully 
"  Ouinna  1 "  Qu'est-ce  qve  ca  veut  dire  f  These  last  at  Brighton 
are  insupportable.  But  the  niggers  sing  on  the  plage,  and  their 
music  is  not  so  horrible  as  the  interminable  noise  of  the  cafes  at 
Monte  Carlo  or  at  Nice.  Eh  well,  this  nigger,  who  carries  a 
false  collar  red  and  white  enormously  large  around  of  the  neck, 
and  a  droll  of  little  bonnet,  like  a  pie  of  pork  galonne  of  gold, 
on  the  head,  regards  me  with  the  smile  of  a  buffoon.  And  all 
of  following,  tout  de  suite,  he  recalls  to  me  Mister  JABBERJEE! 
Mille  tonnerres!  Immediately  I  re-enter  to  the  hotel,  where  I 
write  to  you  this  letter  to  protest  against  those  injuries,  those 
outrages,  so  abominable.  But  be  we  calm  I 

Agree,  &c.,  AUGUSTE. 

OUR  FAIRY  TALES. 

(By  Special  Wire.) 

BLUEBEARD.— THE  INQUISITIVENESS  OF  THE  LADY. 
BY  ANTH-NY  H-PE. 

THE  most  beautiful  lady  that  ever  was  seen  .  .  .  .  in  hei 
choicest  array,  looking  like  a  goddess  ....  all  his  rela- 
tives constantly  mistaken  for  one  another  ....  blue 
Elphberg  hair  ....  all  valiant,  noble,  bad-tempered,  not 
to  be  trusted  with  a  woman,  and  exactly  alike  ....  at 
this  moment  there  came  through  the  window  that  opened  on 
the  street  the  clattering  of  horses'  hoofs  ....  their  eyes 
gleamed  in  the  glee  of  strife  ....  having  a  Dolly  dialogue 
with  the  Bishop  ....  a  purse  of  gold  pieces  .... 
swords  ....  danger  ....  strife  ....  love 
.  .  .  laughter  ....  fear  ....  hope  .... 
lived  happily  ever  after  .... 

FATIMA.     BY  MRS.  H-MPHRY  W-RD. 

FAIR  Vandyk  creature  ....  MARIE  ANTOINETTE'S  dia- 
monds ....  influence  for  good  ....  head  held  a 
little  stiffly  ....  eyes  kind  and  reserved  .... 
cool,  grey  dress  ....  great  pots  of  wild  flowers  .  .  . 
merry,  child-like  airs  ....  huge  bunch  of  March  mari- 
golds ....  beautiful  clear  look  ....  Old  Liberals 
.  .  .  Prime  Minister  .  .  .  division  .  .  .  Govern- 
ment Whip  ....  toiling  thousands  ....  misunder- 
standing ....  women  should  leave  politics  alone  .  .  . 
unpleasant  quarter  of  an  hour  ....  do  you  see  anybody 
coming  ....  Conservative  brothers  ....  just  in 
time  ....  Bill  past  ....  eyes  have  it  .... 
reconciliation  .  .  .  . 

"  KIDNAPPED.  A  Chinaman  seized  in  London.  Remains  at 
the  Legation."  Such  was  one  among  the  sensational  "  headers  " 
taken  with  a  splash  and  a  dash  by  several  papers  last  Friday. 
The  rapid  reader  of  headlines,  who  stops  not  his  running  for  his 
reading,  would,  from  the  above,  have  deduced  that  a  Chinaman, 
seized  in  London,  had  been  chow-chow'd  or  chop-chopped  up,  and 
his  "remains"  had  been  found  in  the  house  of  the  Chinese 
Legation!  Not  a  bit.  All  know  by  now  what  happened.  The 
heading  had  simply  omitted  the  pronoun  "  He "  before  "  re- 
mains." "He  remains  at  the  Chinese  Legation."  That's  all. 
Now  the  SUN  is  out  again. 

AN  ASSOCIATION  WARNED  OFF  BRITISH  WATERS.— The  German 
Press-gang. 


NOVEMBER  7,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


217 


"SEEN  THE  HOUNDS,  MY  MAN?" 


HUNTING    IN    A    FOG, 

'  AYE,  SIR.    THEY  BE  IN  T'NEXT  FIELD.    AH  CAN  HEAR  T'HTTNTSMAN  A-SWEARIN'  AT  'EM  ! 


WHAT  WILL  NOT  BE  SAID  AT  THE  GUILDHALL  ON  THE  NINTH. 

THE  LORD  CH-NC-LL-R  remarked  that  the  attention  of  the 
Public  had  been  recently  attracted  to  the  grievances  of  barristers 
and  solicitors.  If  outsiders  did  not  understand  the  difficulties 
of  the  situation,  it  was  because  they  did  not  comprehend  the 
origin  of  the  argument.  The  fact  was,  that  both  branches  of 
the  profession  were  willing  to  regard  laymen  as  shells  and  liti- 
gation as  the  prime  cause  of  the  existence  of  the  oyster. 
Lawyers  naturally  preferred  the  bivalre  to  its  covering.  So 
they  clamoured  for  justice  with,  and  not  at,  all  costs. 

A  distinguished  admiral,  returning  thanks  for  the  Navy,  said 
that  the  country  should  recognise  the  importance  of  the  Senior 
Service.  Patriotism  was  a  most  excellent  thing,  but  it  would 
net  go  very  far  without  pay.  An  increased  fleet  meant  rapid 
promotion.  So  by  all  means  let  ships  be  procured  as  rapidly 
as  possible,  and  there  would  be  any  number  of  officers  in  the 
senior  ranks  to  commission  them.  As  to  the  question  of  pro- 
curing the  men  before  the  masts  that  was  a  matter  of  detail. 

A  celebrated  general,  in  responding  for  the  Army,  congratu- 
lated his  colleague  upon  his  very  sensible  remarks.  In  these 
piping  days  of  peace  "  pace  "  was  of  equal  importance  to  efficiency. 
Anyone  could  fight,  and  the  British  Army  had  always  been  equal 
to  the  occasion.  What  the  Service  really  wanted  was  men  who 
could  keep  their  hungers  and  enliven  garrison  society  with 
smart  balls  and  pleasant  polo  parties.  It  would  never  do  to 
have  the  army  flooded  with  youngsters  who  could  scarcely  pay 
for  their  uniforms. 

The  Marquis  of  S-L-SB-RY  thought  the  present  occasion  a 
fitting  one  for  making  a  clean  breast.  He  entirely  agreed  with 
Lord  CHARLES  BERESPORD  as  to  the  propriety  of  seizing  Egypt, 
and  he  begged  to  say  that  he  had  already  taken  steps  to  carry 
the  proposed  plan  into  immediate  effect.  However,  as  it  was 
customary  to  inform  Foreign  Powers,  in  the  first  instance,  of  any 
step  of  international  importance,  perhaps  the  reporters  would 
be  so  gooJ  as  to  let  his  statement  go  no  farther.  His  right  hon. 
friend,  Mr.  G.,  had  already  stigmatised  the  STTLTAN  as  "the 


Great  Assassin."  That  was  a  good  name  for  him,  but  what  could 
be  done  when  the  Concert  of  Europe  was  a  shamP  He  didn't 
mind  telling  those  present  (but  he  did  not  want  it  to  go  farther) 
that  England  has  a  private  understanding  with  Italy ;  of  which 
Germany  and  Austria  were  to  know  nothing.  As  to  his  nephew, 
the  Leader  of  the  House  of  Commons,  he  thought  he_  gave  up 
too  ranch  time  to  golf,  and  far  too  little  leisure  to  politics. 

Mr.  J-S-PH  CH-MB-RL-N  was  pleased  to  put  in  an  appearance, 
as  it  was  always  as  well  to  speak  when  the  noble  Lord  had  sat 
down.  He  considered  himself  (and  so  did  many  others)  the 
real  Boss  of  the  Ministry,  or,  at  any  rate,  of  the  House 
of  Commons.  He  believed  in  advertisements,  but  was 
rather  annoyed  at  the  cartoon  in  last  week's  Punch,  which 
suggested  that  he  had  changed  his  principles  now  and 
again.  But  he  had  got  out  of  it  by  saying  that  he  was  "in- 
consistent," which  produced — as  intended — a  laugh.  He  had 
confessed  at  a  dinner  of  the  Newspaper  Press  Fund  that  he  had 
once  sent  a  joke  to  Punch  which  had  not  been  inserted.  He 
might  now  declare  that  he  had  not  sent  this  subject  for  that 
cartoon — but  it  had  been  inserted.  This  statement,  he  was 
happy  to  see,  had  produced  a  laugh — as  intended. 

The  LORD  M-Y-R  thanked  them  all  very  much  for  drinking 
his  health.  However,  he  was  bound  to  say,  that  good  as  were 
the  speeches  to  which  they  had  just  listened,  he  could  have  made 
far  better. 

Facilis  Descenstis. 

LORD  ROSEBERY  says  "  his  information 'a  good  " ; 

And  so,  there  is  no  doubt,  are  his  intentions ; 
But  such  "  good  "  things  may  sometimes  pave  the  road 

To — well,  a  place  politeness  never  mentions. 


ECCLESIASTICAL  QUERY. — It  is  all  very  well  now  calling  him 
"Dr.  TEMPLE,"  but,  when  he  becomes  Archbishop,  ought  not 
he  to  be  "Dr.  Cathedral"? 


218 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  7,  1896. 


NOVEMBER  7,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


219 


ALL  AM  0  »Qfc 

A    MODERN    SPORTSMAN. 

Landowner  (who  has  asked  some  friends  over  for  a  day's  shooting).   "  LOOK   HERE,  YOU   FELLOWS,  I  SHAN'T  SHOOT  TO-DAY!    JUST  HAD 
'-STHIS  LETTER  FROM  MY  DEALER.    THE  HOUND  ONLY  OFFERS  EIGHTEENPENCE  APIECE  FOR  HARES,  AND  WON'T  BUY  MY  PARTRIDGES  AT 
ANY  PRICE  ! " 


OUR  CONDENSED  FAIRY  TALES. 

(By  Special  Wire. ) 

BEAUTY  AND  THE  BEAST,  OR  THE  YELLOW 
DWARF.     (BY  MAX  MEERBOOM.) 

BEAUTY  young  and  mere  ....  limp, 
out-moded  frock  .  .  .  lilac  cotton  .... 
dressed  worse  on  week-days  than  anyone 
else  on  Sundays  ....  sisters  malaperts 
.  .  .  father  flutterpate  .  .  .  ace  up  sleeve, 
heart  on  it  ...  loaded  claret  and  dice  .  .  . 
cheats  BEAST  of  large  sum  .  .  .  refuses  to 
leave  castle  till  he  gets  it  ...  cordially 
invited  to  remain  indefinitely  as  guest  .  .  . 
ripping  castle  .  .  .  terraces  and  lakes  .  .  . 
guests  pick  quarrels  and  flowers  .  .  .  clever 
convolvuluses  .  .  .  genial  geraniums  .  .  . 
prudish  primroses  .  .  .  served  by  gilded 
homuncles  .  .  .  BEAST  threading  his  way 
through  the  acacias  .  .  .  fair  daughter  .  .  . 
Cupid's  shaft  .  .  .  suitor  for  her  hand  .  .  . 
non-smoker  .  .  .  BEAUTY  refuses  .  .  .  not 
wicked  enough  ...  "  J'ai  demandee  a 
John  Lane,  et  je  suis  maintenant "... 
happy  thought  .  .  .  fifth  of  November  .  .  . 
disguise  as  Yellow  Dwarf  .  .  .  tangled  ac- 
crescency  of  hair  .  .  .  BEAST  throws  away 
his  face  and  reveals  his  mask  .  .  .  capital 
fireworks  .  .  .  she  smiles  forgiveness  .  .  . 
they  dance  the  cockawhoop  ....  vanilla 
rusks,  dewberry  wine,  buns,  and  bliss  .  .  . 


To  a  Bard. 

ALTHOUGH  "  Poe.ta  nascitur"  in  you, 
I  see  no  reasons  for  congratulation, 

Your  verses  I  have  carefully  gone  through, 
And  find  they  are  "  non  fit "  for  publi- 
cation. 


•  A  Chance  for  Spouter,  Ranter  &  Co. 

MR.  PUNCH  begs  to  announce  that  his 
Goose  and  Turkey  Club  is  now  well  estab- 
lished. Subscribers  are  respectfully  in- 
formed that  by  the  weekly  payment  of  one 
shilling,  they  will,  by  the  Ides  of  March, 
be  provided  with  a  complete  outfit  where- 
with to  proceed  to  Constantinople  for  the 
expulsion  of  the  SULTAN.  In  considera- 
tion of  the  enormous  benefit  which  this 
country  will  derive  from  the  expedition, 
Mr.  Punch  has  reason  to  believe  that  the 
Foreign  Enlistment  Act  will  be  suspended 
for  the  especial  benefit  of  those  taking  part 
in  it,  on  condition  that  they  never  return. 
Members  holding  testimonials  from  Mr. 
GLADSTONE  and  Canon  MACOOLL  will  be 
allowed  ten  per  cent,  discount.  No  Ar- 
menians need  apply. 

"THE  Chateau  of  Loo,"  where  the  two 
queens  were  recently  staying,  sounds  un- 
commonly like  a  house  of  cards.  Unless 
"Loo"  is  short  for  " LOUISA,"  and  if  so, 
who  is  the  LOUISA  at  whose  chateau  the 
two  queens  were  staying  ?  By  the  way, 
asks  the  quiet  gambler  singing — 
'7Loo !  Loo ! 

I  love  you !  " 

is  there  anywhere  about  a  "Chateau  of 
Unlimited  Loo  "  ? 

LATEST  TOAST  OF  THE  G-BM-N  EMP-B-B. 
— "  In  this  country  we  will  not  to  our  lips 
raise  the  ever  pernicious  champagne  of 
France !  Proudly,  with  the  fruitful  vine- 
yards of  the  Fatherland  before  my  en- 
larged eyes,  do  I  cry  Hock!  hock!  and 
again,  sparkling  hock!" 


A  STRIKE  ON  THE  BOX. 

SCENE — A  London  Street.  TIME — During  the 
"strained  relations."  Driver  of  Four- 
wheeler  discovered.  To  him  enter  Would- 
be  Fare, 

Would-be  Fare.  Hi,  cabby  1  Take  me 
to  the  Great  Western  station. 

Cabby.  Very  sorry,  Sir,  but  I  am  afraid 
I  can't. 

Fare.  Why  not?  Are  you  a  stranger? 
Don't  you  know  the  way  ? 

Cabby.  Well,  Sir.  it  ian't  a  public  place. 

Fare.  Not  a  public  place  1  Why,  it's 
just  by  Paddingtpn 

Cabby.  Yes,  Sir,  I  know  the  locality. 
But  you  see,  according  to  a  decision,  it 
isn't  a 

Fare.  What  does  it  matter  to  me  what 
the  law  is  ?  I  want  to  catch  the  train  I 

Cabby.  Well,  Sir,  if  you  will  jump  in, 
I  will  get  as  close  to  it  as  I  can. 

Fare.   All  right ;  departure  platform. 

Cabby.  Very  sorry,  Sir,  but  I  can't  go 
there.  You  see,  that  would  be  breaking 
our  rules.  But  I  can  take  you  to  the 
Edgeware  Road. 

Fare.   What  nonsense !     That  won't  do. 

Cabby.  Well,  Sir,  we  are  only  doing  it 
for  the  benefit  of  the  public.  If  we  boy- 
cot  the  railway  stations,  the  public  will 
benefit  by  it.  I  am  sure  I  have  your  sym- 
pathy Sir? 

Fare.  You  may  have  as  much  sympathy 
as  you  like,  but  as  you  can't  take  me  to 
the  station,  I  shall  hail  a  'bus  I  [Does  so. 


THE   LATEST  SENTIMENTAL   SONG. — The 
biker-rote. 


220 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  7,  1896. 


ABOUT   THE    RED    ROBE. 

A  CHANGE  has  come  over  the  spirit  of  Managers,  and  therefore 
of  Playwrights,  as  distinguished  from  Original  Dramatists.  The 
Problem  Play  and  the  Ibsenitish  Woman,  the  modern  fashion- 
able  accessories,  the  whiskies-and-soda  drinking,  the  perpetual 
cigarette-smoking,  the  rude  repartees  of  sharp  Society  folk,  all 
these  are  temporarily  shelved,  and  the  drama  comes  again  before 
us  in  its  romantic  phase  with  a  clean  bill  of  health,  so  that  no 
longer  will  the  "Young  Person"  be  excluded  from  the  audi- 
torium. 

What  are  the  odds  against  old  Drury  Lane,  after  the  panto- 
mime carnival  is  over,  returning  to  the  HALLIDAT  times  of 
SCOTT'S  novels  dramatised  ?  Nothing  more  likely,  unless  DUMAS, 
or  the  works  of  one  of  the  modern  Dumas-lings  in  fiction,  be 
chosen  for  adaptation.  ANTHONY  HOPE — anything  but  a  forlorn 
Hope— GILBERT  PARKER,  STANLEY  WEYMAN,  with  others,  all 
springing  up  in  the  same  line  and  deluging  us  with  cavaliers, 


"  WHAT  's  BECOME  OF  WAKING  ?  " 

Robei-t  Browning. 

Why,  here  he  is,  disguised  as  Burglar  Gil — the  newest  hero,  law-breaker, 
oard-sharper,  liar,  picklock,  duellist,  hypocrite,  and  bungler ;  but  false  to  the 
hand  that  pays  him — NEVEK  ! 

swash-bucklers,  French  kings,  conquerors  and  cardinals ! 
Stirring  times,  too,  for  the  theatrical  costumier !  Up  goes  the 
price  of  hauberks  and  "  flat  King  Johns !  "  Then  there  are  new 
kingdoms  to  be  opened  to  the  adventurer,  such  as  Ruritania. 
More  work  for  the  costumier  and  the  artistic  designer ! 

And;  what  a  time  for  the  genuine  playwright !  Not  for 
the  original  dramatist  who  invents  his  own  plot ;  he  may  get  a 
look  in  now  and  again ;  but  the  playwright  who  sees  what 
stuff  there  is,  in  a  published  story,  effectively  serviceable  for 
dramatic  purposes.  His  is  the  chance.  He  has  but  to  read, 
mark,  and  send  in  his  card  to  the  author  with  "  gents  own 
materials  made  up "  on  it,  and  if  he  can  but  come  to  terms 
with  the  gent  in  question  —  they  are  getting  a  bit  wary, 
now  —  the  playwright  only  has  to  propitiate  the  manager, 
and  the  trick  is  done.  Capitally  done,  too,  is  this  same 
trick  by  Adapter  ROSE,  who  has  performed  the  operation 
for  drama  on  STANLEY  WEYMAN'S  romance  of  Under  the 
Red  Robe.  All  the  plums  are  here ;  all  the  scenes  are 
effective ;  the  plot  clear  as  possible ;  the  "  mounting "  pic- 
turesquely perfect,  and  the  acting  as  good  as  it  can  be.  Adapter 


ROSE  has  lost  a  point  in  the  last  act,  when  the  Cardinal  and 
Eenee  ought  most  certainly  to  have  had  a  scene  together ;  and 
in  this  last  act  the  dramatic  construction  is  so  faulty  that 
the  finish  is  a  foregone  conclusion  full  twenty  minutes  before 
the  curtain  drops,  and  all  that  while  actors  and  audience  are 
"  only  purtendin'." 

To  Mr.  HERBERT  WARING  as  Gil  de  Berault,  all  say,  "thou 
art  the  man."  Mr.  VALENTINE'S  Richelieu  is  striking,  and 
this  figure  remains  in  the  memory  while  the  others  vanish. 
Captain  Larolle  is  a  bit  of  a  droll,  but  is  not  le  role  in 
which,  for  his  own  sake,  most  of  us  would  have  preferred  to  see 
Mr.  CYRIL  MAUDE.  Yet  is  he  uncommonly  good,  and  at  the 
last  wins  the  sympathy  of  the  audience.  If,  in  the  proposed 
duel,  he  were  yet  a  bit  more  serious,  for  he  is  meant  to 
be  plucky  enough,  he  would  win  on  his  audience  still  more, 
and  the  previous  foolishness  of  the  character  would  be  condoned 
and  pardoned.  As  the  nameless  lieutenant,  Mr.  BERNARD 
GOULD  is  admirable.  He  is  the  rough-and-ready  soldier  of  duty 
and  honour,  straightforward,  with  heart  in  right  place.  What 
a  Marcel  in  The  Huguenots  would  not  Mr.  BERNARD  GOULD  make ! 
Such  a  Marcel  would  be  worth  his  weight  in  Gould. 

As  Itenee,  Miss  WINIFRED  EMERY  is  charming,  and  the  shades 
of  sudden  changes  of  temper,  in  hating  yet  fondly  loving, 
doubting  yet  doting,  are  clearly  defined  by  the  actress,  who 
carries  the  audience  with  her  throughout.  Miss  EVA  MOORE  is 
nice,  and  sufficiently  frightened.  Clon,  the  dummy,  a  neces- 
sary evil,  is  a  very  difficult  part  carefully  played  by  Mr. 
HOLMAN  CLARK.  The  scenery  is  excellent.  But,  for  excep- 
tional effect,  that  of  the  Great  Gallery  in  the  Cardinal's  Palace, 
painted  by  Mr.  HARKER,  is  the  best  thing  of  the  sort  since 
the  great  scene  in  The  Cup  at  the  Lyceum.  Everybody  con- 
gratulates Messrs  FREDERICK  HABRISON  and  CYRIL  MAUDE  on 
this  most  successful  commencement  of  their  enterprise  at  the 
Theatre  Royal  Haymarket. 


The  Lay  of  a  Decorative  Monarch. 

[Before  leaving  Darmstadt  the  CZAR  distributed  many  Russian  decorations.] 

A  RIBBON  here,  a  medal  there, 
The  Hessians  cry  "  Nach  gut ! " 

But  to  Berlin  I  send  with  care 
The  Order  of  the  Boot ! 


t         At  the  Zoo. 

Little  Chris  (who  has  just  seen  tJie  pelicans  for  the  first  time). 
Oh,  mamma,  come  and  look  at  these  funny  birds  with  fish-baskets 
on  their  necks! 

THE  Temperance  League,  whereof  the  Archbishop-Designate 
of  Canterbury  is  President,  is  said  to  have  under  consideration 
the  proposition  for  changing  its  title  to  that  of  the  Temple-ance 
League.  The  objection  to  this  is  that  it  sounds  as  though  the 
suggestion  had  been  made  after  a  vinous  dinner  in  the  ward  of 
Portsoken. 

At  Brighton. 

She.  They  don't  allow  anybody  on  the  Chain  Pier,  now,  do 
they? 

He.  No.     It 's  the  chained  pier,  now. 


WHAT  NEXT  ? — Mr.  ELGAR'S  new  cantata  having  been  success- 
ful at  the  North  Staffordshire  Musical  Festival,  King  Olaf  will 
probably  be  followed  by  Queen  O'Smile. 

HOORAY!  No  LACK  OF  WATER  M*  FUTURE. — WELLS  will  be 
used  for  the  suppression  of  all  fires  in  the  Metropolis.  May  ne 
never  run  dry! 

A  SURE  SIGN  OF  AUTUMN. — The  fur  trade  is  now  in  full  swing. 
For  explanation,  see  police-court  reports  and  latin  dictionary. 

APPROPRIATE  FOOTBALL  FIXTURE  FOR  THE  FIFTH  OF  NOVEMBER. 
— A  match  against  Guy's. 


EVER-DEVOTED  TURTLE-DOVES. — The  Aldermen  of  the  City  of 
London. 

THE  CENTRE  OF  GRAVY-TATION. — A  joint  on  the  spit. 


NOVEMBER  7,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


221 


AUGUSTE  EN  ANGLETEERE. 

EDIMBOURG. 

DEAH  MISTER, — Until  here  I  have  forgotten  of  to  send  to  you 
my  notes  on  the  "  north  grey  metropolis,"  that  I  visited  at  the 
month  of  July.  I  regret  him  much.  However,  I  may  say, 
"  Better  too  late  than  never."  It  is  true  that  the  Scottish  say 
that  their  country  is  not  comprised  in  the  England,  but  for  we 
other  French  it  is  the  same  thing. 

The  first  thing  that  a  voyager  of  to-day  sees  in  a  town  is  not, 
as  other  times,  the  gates,  the  principal  streets,  and  perhaps 
some  of  the  monuments,  from  the  imperial  or  from  the  cut  of  the 
diligence,  but  the  station  of  the  railway.  And  partout  the 
stations  are  some  edifices  enough  hideous.  In  effect  I  think 
that  more  the"  town  is  beautiful,  more  the  station  is  horrible. 
By  example,  at  Venise  !  But  of  all  the  stations  that  I  have  ever 
seen,  the  station  of  Waverley  at  Edimbourg  is  absolutely,  and 
without  any  doubt,  the  most  hideous,  the  most  horrible,  and  the 
most  unconvenient.  Not  only  that,  she  is  situated  au  beau 
milieu,  at  the  beautiful  middle — and  in  this  case  beau  is  not 
only  an  augmentative,  but  expresses  also  the  beauty — of  a  city 
whose  site  is  truly  remarkable.  And  not  only  that,  the  station 
is  actually  since  longtime  in  state  of  reconstruction,  and  there 
is  so  little  of  progress  in  the  works  that  they  have  the  air  of  never 
to  be  finished.  One  descends  from  the  train,  and  immediately 
one  finds  a  chaos  of  planks,  of  poles,  and  of  scaffoldage,  and 
naturally  between  them  some  etangs,  some  pools,  without 
number,  because  the  provisory  roofs  admit  the  rain  who  falls 
so  often.  The  voyager  falls  also.  There  is  no  more  of  quay, 
nor  of  office,  nor  of  room  of  wait,  nothing  but  some  miserable 
sheds,  at  some  enormous  distances  one  from  the  other,  almost 
some  kilometres,  which  he  must  to  traverse  a  pas  de  course,  at 
step  of  course,  in  leaping  by  above  the  planks,  the  poles,  and 
the  pools — a  veritable  "  steplechase."  And  all  that  in  follow- 
ing a  Scottish  factor,  facteur,  who  speaks  not  engUshl  C'est 
assommant ! 

Eh  well,  I  arrive  to  this  charming  station,  and  when  I  have 
enough  admired  her,  I  go  to  one  of  the  hotels  in  the  Prince 
Street.  I  leave  my  baggages,  and,  the  rain  having  ceased,  I 
make  a  little  promenade  the  long  of  the  street.  Truly  she  is 
admirable,  as  street,  resembling  a  little  to  the  Rue  de  Rivoli, 
houses  of  one  side,  gardens  of  the  other,  but  much  more  pic- 
turesque. The  blow  of  the  eye  of  the  castle  on  the  rock  is 
superb,  and  the  gardens  are  charming.  But  all  is  spoilt  by  the 
horrible  railway  in  the  valley.  Quel  domnunge,  what  damage ! 

After  the  dinner  at  the  hotel — pas  grand'chose  en  effet,  not 
great  thing  in  effect — I  walk  myself  of  new,  and  I  seek  some 
divertisemeut  for  the  evening.  Pas  de  cafe,  not  of  coffee,  not 
of  music,  not  of  promenade,  nothing !  In  fine  I  arrive  to  a 
"music  hall."  A  la  bonne  heure!  See  there  the  place  for  to 
study  the  music  of  the  Scottish,  the  "  bagpips."  I  enter  im- 
mediately and  I  rest  some  time.  Figure  to  yourself,  Mister 
Punch,  that  there,  in  the  principal  hall  of  music  of  the  Scottish 
metropolis,  one  finds  absolutely  not  one  sole  "bagpip"!  The 
orchestra,  the  songs,  the  music,  the  assistance,  are  precisely 
as  in  England — perhaps  a  little  more  sad,  if  that  can  himself. 
All  desolated  and  fatigued  I  return  to  the  hotel,  and  I  couch 
myself.  For  to  sleep?  I  hope  it.  Attendez! 

&c. ,  AUGUSTS. 


SHOWS  IN  ACTION. 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH,  —  Monte  Cristo,  the  new  ballet  founded 
upon  DUMAS'  romance,  is  a  distinct  success  at  the  Empire.  It 
is  true  that  about  two-thirds  (or  even  three-fourths,  or  perhaps 
nine-tenths)  of  it  is  spectacle,  and  the  remainder  story.  But 
for  all  that,  the  plot  is  the  guinea  stamp  and  the  dancing  is 
the  entertainment  (as  BURNS  would  say),  "for  all  that  and  all 
that."  However,  as  one  triumpfi  makes  many,  another  pro- 
duction on  the  same  lines  may  be  confidently  expected  before 
the  close  of  the  present  century.  If  there  is  any  difficulty  about 
a  scenario,  I  can  give  one.  How  would  this  do  ? 

THE  THREE  MUSKETEERS. 
(Founded  upon  the  celebrated  Story  by  Alexandre  Dumas,  Pere.) 

The  three  soldiers  meet.     They  go  to  sleep  and  dream  a  dream. 

Dream. — Grand  French  ballet.  Dance  of  early  Normans. 
Bretonne  Pas  de  Quatre.  Parade  of  the  Empire,  with  dresses 
of  the  period.  The  armies  of  France  past  and  present.  Military 
manoeuvres.  Knights  hi  silver  and  gold  armour.  Musketeers. 
Comic  pas  seul  by  Mr.  WILL  BISHOP  as  D'Artagnan.  The 
soldiers  of  to-day.  Reception  of  the  CZAR  in  Paris.  Grand 
finale  with  electric  lights. 


ON    THE    NINTH. 


Freddy.  "  AND  DO  THEY  HAVE  A  NEW  LORD  MAYOR  EVERY  YEAR, 
MUMMIE?"  Mother.   "  YES,  DEAR." 

Freddy.   "THEN  WHAT  DO  THEY  DO  WITH  THE  OLD  LORD  MAYORS 

WHEN   THEY  *VE   DONE   WITH    'EM  ?  " 


The  three  musketeers  awake.  They  express  surprise  at  the 
magnificence  of  the  tableau.  Curtain. 

There,  that  would  do  nicely.  I  feel  sure  that  Mr.  GEORGE 
EDWARDES,  with  the  aid  of  Madame  KATTI  LANNER  and  talented 
assistants,  could  do  wonders  with  such  a  theme.  Let  him  try 
when  the  attractive  powers  of  Monte  Cristo  are  exhausted. 

And  now,  Mr.  Punch,  allow  me  to  subscribe  my  name 

Yours,  well  pleased,  TERPSICHORE. 


NEW   MUZZLING    OEDEE. 
By  P.  C.  Punch. 

Notice. — Since  faction  much  the  public  fogs, 
If  there 's  not  silence  soon  among  our  shouters, 

We  '11  have  to  take  the  muzzles  off  our  dogs. 
And  clap  them  on  our  noisy  party  spouters. 


SLIGHT  CORRECTION.  — "  You  must  march  with  the  times," 
observed  the  eloquent  Mr.  DICKENS,  Q.C.,  when  trying  to  obtain 
a  license  for  a  promenade  at  a  music  hall.  Excellent  argument, 
only,  when  he  repeats  it  next  year,  for  "march"  let  him  sub- 
stitute "  promenade,"  and  there  he  is ! 

A  BROADWAY  INDEED! — That  promenade  must  be  an  uncom- 
monly wide  one  when  processions  of  men  "  from  all  walks  of  life  " 
were  able  to  march  along  it  during  recent  election  excitement 
in  the  States. 

RIVER  MEM. — The  inhabitants  of  Putney  are  clamouring  for 
a  lock.  Mr.  Punch  wishes  them  all  success,  but  begs  to  point 
out  that  a  new  quay  is  also  badly  needed. 


222 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  7,  1896. 


FIRST    PERSON    SINGULAR. 

Algernon  Coxcombe.  "  OH,  I  KNOW  THE  MAN  WELL— A  CAPABLE  FELLOW,  BUT,  IN  MY  OPINION,  AN  INVETERATE  EGOIST. 
Miss  Pinkney.  ' '  Do  YOU  DISTINGUISH  THEN  BETWEEN  AN  EGOIST  AND  AN  EGOTIST  ? " 

A.  C.^"  UNDOUBTEDLY.    THE  DISTINCTION  is  SUBTLE,  BUT  WELL  MARKED " 

Miss  P.  "THEN  WHICH  ARE  YOU?" 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

WHEN  you  see  before  you  an  attractive-looking  volume, 
brought  out  by  the  combined  efforts  of  Messrs.  HODDEB  and 
STOUGHTON,  as  though  STOUGHTON  couldn't  have  ventured  upon 
such  a  proceeding  without  HODDER,  or  any  Hodder  man,  nor 
HODDEB,  which,  of  course,  is  hodder  still,  without  the  assistance  of 
STOUGHTON,  and  when  you  see  that  the  author  of  the  book  in 
question  is  Mr.  H.  W.  LUCY,  our  TOBY,  or,  we  may  boldly  assert, 
the  TOBY,  without  whom  in  the  Gallery  no  Parliament  is  perfect, 
you  will  settle  yourself  down  in  an  easy  chair,  giving  yourself 
as  much  time  as  possible  for  the  perusal  of  what  apparently  is  a 
novel  in  one  volume,  entitled,  The  Miller's  Niece,  but  which 
turns  out  to  be  a  volume  of  tales  ("  Toby's  Tales  " — an  excellent 
title  1)  writ  by  the  accomplished  raconteur  aforesaid.  The 
Miller's  Niece  is  the  first  of  these  stories,  told  with  sueh  graphic 
touches  when  dealing  with  mere  accessories,  as  forcibly  to  re- 
mind you  of  DICKENS  at  his  lightest  and  best.  The  dramatic 
situation  in  The  Miller's  Niece  is  akin  to  that  in  the  Erckmann- 
Chatrian  story  of  "  Le  Juif  Polpnais."  Mathias,  in  the  latter, 
is  hypnotised,  and  rehearses  his  crime  in  action ;  in  this,  the 
Miller,  walking  in  his  sleep,  does  precisely  the  same  thing.  It 
may  occur  to  some  that  the  story  would  have  been  more  perfect 
had  it  not  been  completed.  But — quite  good  enough  as  it  is. 
The  story  of  the  Colonel  is  charming.  The  Baron's  only  regret 
is,  that  this  rough-and-ready  "  true  grit "  man  should  ever  have 
been  presented  at  Court,  and  should  have  so  far  been  influenced 
by  snobbism  as  to  belittle  his  dear  niece  Kitty's  hand  by  a 
flunkeyish  comparison.  One  of  the  best  is  "From  the  Chapel 
Roof."  If  after  the  exertions  of  the  day  you  have  only  a  short 
time  left  you  before  dressing  for  dinner,  read  the  last-named 
story,  and  tell  it  to  your  convives  as  your  own  experience. 

The  Temple  Shakspeare  is  now  completed  by  the  publication 
of  the  sonnets.  There  is  no  better  small  edition  of  the  Divine 
WILLIAM'S  entire  works,  plays,  poems,  and  sonnets,  with 
erudite  prefaces,  practical  glossaries,  and  most  useful  notes, 
than  is  issued  by  Messrs.  DENT  &  Co.,  Aldine  House,  avail- 
ing themselves  of  the  "  Cambridge  "  edition,  by  kind  permission 
of  Messrs.  MACMILLAN  and  W.  ALDIS  WJRIGHT.  The  Shakspearian 


student  can  easily  pocket  any  two  of  them,  honestly,  of  course, 
carrying  them  with  less  discomfort  than  he  would  a  small 
cigar-case  or  note-book,  and  during  his  travels  he  will  have 
in  his  pocket  two  delightful  travelling-companions,  ever  ready 
to  converse  with  him  when  others  are  silent,  always  instruc- 
tive, ever  suggestive,  never  for  one  second  dull.  "  A  most  con- 
venient and  invaluable  series,"  quoth  the  Baron. 

A  more  picturesque,  dramatically-tragic,  that  is,  as  far  as 
concerns  the  first  part  of  the  story,  and  altogether  more  ab- 
sorbingly interesting  novel  than  Taquisara  it  would  be  difficult  to 
find,  even  among  the  works  of  its  author,  Mr.  MABION  CBAW- 
FOBD.  He  is  thoroughly  at  home  in  Italy ;  he  knows  it  and 
its  society,  from  the  highest  to  the  lowest,  better  than  CHARLES 
LEVER  knew  Ireland,  and  as  well  as  CARLETON  knew  Irish 
peasant  life.  The  author  has  created  a  charming  heroine,  the 
Princess  Veronica.  The  portrait  sketch  of  Cardinal  Campo- 
donico  is  admirable.  The  journey  of  the  Princess  by  rail  and 
road,  and  the  sketches  of  the  peasantry,  are  rare  examples  of 
picturesque  descriptive-writing.  The  reader  feels  it  to  be  the 
work  of  a  truthful,  simple,  and  sympathetic  writer.  There  is  a 
strangely  powerful  scene  of  death  and  marriage ;  but  how  all 
ends,  whether  happily  or  not,  it  is  not  for  me  to  reveal ;  it  is  for 
the  reader  to  discover.  Only  one  question  arises,  and  that  is 
of  fact.  But  probably  Mr.  MABION  CBAWFOBD  has  consulted 
the  highest  authorities,  and  has  satisfied  his  own  literary  con- 
science. If  "the  essence  of  marriage  is  consent,"  with  or  with- 
out witnesses,  with  or  without  ecclesiastical  benediction,  then 
what  becomes  of  the  difficulty  he  has  imagined  ?  Thus  :  A.  and 
B.  agree  to  be  married.  If  A.,  meaning  to  marry  B.,  accident- 
ally takes  C.'s  hand,  while  a  third  party,  priest  or  layman,  pro- 
nounces the  words  of  union,  surely  A.  is  not  married  to  C.  ? 
However,  apart  from  this,  the  novel,  published  by  Messrs.  MAC- 
MILLAN, is  delightful,  and  its  perusal  is  a  real  recreation.  At 
least,  so  thinks  and  says  THE  BARON  DE  B.-W. 

NOTE  BY  OUB  OWN  IRREPRESSIBLE  JOKER  (again  baikd  out) . — 
The  French  authorities  have  released  TYNAN,  and  they  would 
also  like  to  re-lease  their  Government  to  the  people  for  an  in- 
definite period.  St.  Petersburg  and  Moscow  papers  please  copy. 


PUNCH,   OR    THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI.—  NOVEMBER  7,    1896. 


COLUMBIA'S   CHOICE. 


COLUMBIA  (to  PKESIDENT  McKiNLEY).  "  AH,  YOU  AEE  THE  MAN  FOR  ME  !  " 

SHADE  OF  WASHINGTON.  "I  CONGRATULATE  YOU,  MY  DEARJ    'SOUND  MONEY'  IS  THE  BEST  POLICY!" 


NOVEMBER  7,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


225 


WE  HOPE   IT  IS  NOT  TOO  LATE  TO   SUGGEST  A  MOTOR   LoKD   MAYOR'S   CARRIAGE  FOR  THE  NlNTH. 


CLIPPINGS  FROM  THE  "GUY  FAWKES 
GAZETTE." 

THE  cycling  mania  having  now  taken 
firm  hold  of  the  fashionable  world  of  guys, 
it  is  expected  that  there  will  be  a  large 
meet  on  the  5th  at  Hampstead  Heath, 
when  many  effigies  of  light  and  leading 
will  be  mounted  on  boneshakers  of  the 
most  elegant  and  combustible  description. 


Gins,  don't  forget  to  light  up  at 
5.40  P.M.  next  Thursday  I  Prove  your- 
selves worthy  of  the  noble  name  of 
"scorcher,"  and  let  us  have  a  record  de- 
monstration. Quit  you  like  men  of  straw, 
and  explode  for  all  you  are  worth  1  Eng- 
land, or,  at  any  rate,  the  juvenile  popula- 
tion of  itf  expects  that  every  guy  this  day 
will  do  his  duty. 

GREAT  anticipations  are  being  enter- 
tained of  the  forthcoming  procession  of 
auto-guys  on  their  motor  cars.  Fancy  or 
court  dress  will  be  worn,  and  it  is  recom- 
mended that,  for  the  sake  of  uniformity, 
the  participants  shall  each  adopt  the  re- 
gulation cocked  hat,  with  or  without 
feathers,  and  a  sword  of  lath.  There  will 
be  a  light  collation  of  squibs  at  the  start, 
and  the  run  to  Clapham  Common  will  be 
accompanied  with  crackers  and  catharine- 
wheels. 

I  HEAR  that  the  carnival  and  masked 
ball  to  be  given  this  year  at  Lewes  will  be 
unusually  brilliant.  All  the  prominent 
county  magnates  have  promised  to  be  pre- 
sent in  effigy,  and  they  are  looking  forward 
to  quite  a  warm  reception.  There  will  be 
several  interesting  debutantes,  who,  I  am 
told,  will  completely  dazzle  all  beholders. 

No  guy  of  any  pretensions  to  taste  and 
breeding  should  omit  a  visit  to  Mr. 
FAWKES,  the  costumier,  of  Rag  Fair.  He 
has  an  extensive  assortment  of  well-ven- 
tilated costumes  and  outfits,  and  is  really 
unrivalled  in  the  delicate  art  of  figure-pad- 
ding. With  a  broomstick  and  a  bundle 
of  old  newspapers  he  will  work  wonders 
with  the  most  hopeless  case. 


THE  open-air  palanquin  is  the  mode  just 
about  this  time.  It  consists  of  a  kitchen 
chair,  which  need  not  have  any  bottom, 
slung  on  two  poles.  The  occupant  is 
then  securely  tied  on,  and  the  whole  turn- 
out presents  a  striking  appearance.  Pos- 
sibly guys  of  a  retiring  nature  might  ob- 


ject to  the  crowd  of  admirers  which  this 
form  of  conveyance  invariably  attracts, 
but  I  fancy  most  effigies  are  accustomed  to 
the  glare  of  publicity,  and  would,  I  think, 
be  disappointed  with  a  longer,  but  more 
humdrum,  career. 


IT  is  not  improbable  that  the  Sultan  of 
TURKEY,    amongst  other   celebrities,    will 


"  Turkish  Delight !" 


be  represented  at  this  year's  festivities, 
as  his  Majesty  has  now  achieved  a  high 
degree  of  popularity  in  guy  circles,  and 
no  re-union  is  considered  to  be  complete 
without  him. 


THE  CAB  STRIKE. 

Gabby  sings : — 

STRIKE,  strike,  strike ! — 

I  'm  forced  to  go  out,  yer  see  ; 

But  I  would  that  my  tongue  might  utter 
The  oaths  that  arise  in  me. 

Oh,  well  for  the  omnibus  cad, 

That  he  shouts  "  Bank,  Bank,"  all  day ! 
'Tis  well  for  the  tram-car  lad, 

As  he  climbs  to  the  roof  for  pay  ! 

And  the  privileged  cabs  go  on 

To  St.  Pancras  or  Ludgate  Hill;  — 

But,  oh,  for  the  crack  of  my  unused  whip ! 
And  the  sound  of  my  wheels  that  are 
still! 

Strike,  strike,  strike ! — 

But  there  's  one  thing  that  strikes  ME, 
That  there  isn't  nothing  to  strike  about, 

And  the  game  is  all  U  P. 


WHERE   THE  CORN  PINCHES. — Now,   at 
the  baker's  shop. 


•\SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

A  Jilted  Lover  at  Folkestone  vents  his  feelings  on 
the  first  day  of  the  week. 

ON  Sunday  morning,  smartly  dressed, 

You  join  the  frou-frou  on  the  Lees ; 
Your  little  sins  are  all  confessed, 

Your  mind  must  surely  be  at  ease  1 
I  wonder  if,  when  gained  your  shrift, 

You  vows  for  better  conduct  made, 
Or  into  worldliness  redrift, 

On  Church  Parade? 

Sackcloth  and  ash  are  not  for  you, 

Nor  mortifying  of  the  flesh ; 
Your  hat  is  decked  with  peacock  blue, 

Your  rosy  tints  are  pure  and  fresh ; 
Your    varnished    boots,     your    curling 
fringe, 

Reveal  the  prowess  of  your  maid; 
Of  conscience  you  have  not  a  twinge 

On  Church  Parade! 

The  sermon  may  your  soul  have  vext 

With  dreary  diatribes,  and  yet 
I  '11  bet  you  do  not  know  the  text, 

The  preacher's  moral  quite  forget ! 
Denunciation  of  the  world 

You  listened  to  all  undismay'd, 
But  longed  upon  your  cushion  curled 

For  Church  Parade ! 

Sun-kissed,  you  scarcely  look  upon 

That  glittering  wild  of  tossing  wave, 
But  in  your  heart  give  pro  and  con. 

Of  how  to  make  another  slave. 
That  dapper  captain  from  the  camp 

Falls  to  the  ambush  deftly  laid ; 
An  aide-de-camp  he  now  must  tramp 

On  Church  Parade ! 

On  me  your  glances  do  not  waste, 

Too  well  I  know  those  cruel  eyea 
That  welcome  with  such  ardent  haste 

Each  victim  as  he  loves  and  dies! 
One  time  I  paid  you  constant  court, 

But  now  I  call  a  spade  a  spade. 
I  wish  you  '11  know  none  other  sort 

Of  Church  Parade ! 


At  the  Paper-Chase. 

Master  (to  most  energetic  hound,  who 
has  suddenly  tailed  off).  My  dear  fellow, 
what 's  the  matter  ? 

Hound  (exhibiting  torn  paper).  Only 
this,  that  among  the  scent  I  have  found 
the  remains  of  a  very  private  letter  which 
I  wrote  last  night  to  the  sister  of  one  ef 
the  hares.  [Left  disconsolate. 


226 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  7,  1896. 


THE    FIFTH    OF    NOVEMBER. 

A   LARGE  ASSORTMENT  OF  GUYS,    SUITED  TO   ALL   POLITICAL  TASTES— SPECIALLY   DESIGNED  AND   MANUFACTURED — MAY  BE  HAD  ON 

APPLICATION    TO    OUR   ARTIST.        APPLY   EARLY  ! 


ROUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

(Being  some  Letters  from  Mr.  Roundabout  to  his  Nephew  at  Cambridge, 
«'/u/  to  Others.) 

No.  I. — OF  RELATIONS -OF  CAMBRIDGE  IN  OCTOBER — OF  YOUTH 
AND  AGE — OF  BEDMAKERS  AND  GYPS. 

MY  DEAR  JACK, — I  promised  to  write  to  you  as  soon  as  I  got 
back  to  London,  and  here  is  the  letter.  I  noticed  that,  when 
I  spoke  of  writing  with  such  haste,  you  looked  at  me  with  some 
curiosity.  Naturally,  you  wondered  what  more  I  could  have  to 
say  to  you  after  we  had  spent  the  best  part  of  three  days  to- 
gether in  Cambridge,  and  after  I  had,  as  it  must  have  seemed  to 
you,  exhausted  all  that  even  a  prosy  uncle  can  have  to  say  to 
a  nephew  just  embarked  upon  his  freshman's  voyage.  But 
honestly,  JACK,  I  think  you  will  find  when  you  cast  back  in 
your  memory  that,  though  we  talked  a  great  deal,  I  did  not 
speak  much  of  the  place,  nor  did  I  try  to  depress  your  bubbling 
spirits  with  any  weight  of  avuncular  advice.  I  did,  indeed,  ask  you 
to  remember  that  you  were  a  ROUNDABOUT,  and  that  in  all  things 
that  concerned  the  bearing  of  a  man  you  could  have  no  better 
guide  and  example  than  your  memory  of  your  father,  one  of  the 
best  and  stauuchest  as  he  was  one  of  the  truest  and  most  loyal 
men  that  ever  lived.  He  was  my  brother,  and  I  loved  him. 
That  sounds  a  simple  and  a  natural  thing  to  say — but  is  it  so  ? 
Is  it  not  too  often  the  case  that  such  a  relationship — and,  in 
truth,  almost  any  relationship,  save  that  between  child  and 
parent — is  a  barrier  rather  than  a  link  ?  Courtesy  and  tolerance 
there  may  be,  but  affection  is  a  different  matter.  However, 
all  that  is  not  to  the  point.  What  I  wanted  to  say  was  this: 
When  I  was  with  you  in  that  dear  old  town  I  meant  to  talk  to 
you — mj  heart  was  full,  but  the  thoughts  were  ill-defined,  and 
the  words  would  not  come.  Don't  tear  up  this  letter  under 
the  impression  that  it 's  going  to  be  what  we  used  to  call  a 
"  pi-jaw."  It  isn't ;  but  the  sight  of  Cambridge  once  more, 
and  in  your  company,  affected  me  strangely,  and,  in  short,  I 
want  to  write  to  you,  my  dear  boy,  and  free  my  heart. 

I  was  glad  to  go  with  you,  and  to  see  you  make  your  start. 
It  refreshes  an  old  chap  to  plunge  into  that  sea  of  young  faces, 
to  hear  the  old  familiar  sounds,  the  footsteps  hurrying  arcoss 
the  court  at  night,  the  bells  ringing  to  hall  or  chapel — you  carp 
at  the  bells,  now,  no  doubt,  but  you  don't  know  how  instantly 
and  vividly  they  brought  back  a  troop  of  old  delightful  associa- 
tions to  me.  It  was  as  if  a  curtain  had  been  drawn,  and  the 
inexorable  years  had  rolled  back,  and  I  wandered,  a  freshman 


once  more,  and  with  all  the  proud  awe  of  a  freshman,  through 
these  ancient  sacred  haunts.  Every  bell  told  its  story  and 
brought  back  a  well-known  face  till  the  court  was  peopled  again 
with  my  friends,  and  the  tumble-down  staircases  resounded  to 
their  calls.  Across  the  gulf  of  years  I  heard  them  plainly,  and 
for  a  moment  I  lived  again  the  old  gay,  free,  enchanted  life  as 
though  nothing  had  been  changed,  and  fate  had  not  scattered 
us  all  irrevocably  to  the  four  winds  of  heaven.  We  were  much 
the  same,  I  take  it,  as  you  and  your  fellows  are  now — more 
prim,  it  may  be,  in  our  costume,  less  addicted  to  cloth  caps, 
but  in  all  essentials,  in  our  spirits,  our  manners,  and  in  our 
youth  we  must  have  been  as  you  are.  And  yet,  till  I  saw  you 
all  in  chapel  that  evening,  I  never  realised  how  gloriously  young 
we  were  in  spite  of  the  emphatic  manhood  which  we  had  as- 
sumed with  our  caps  and  gowns.  As  you  and  I  came  from 
chapel,  a  half  mist  lay  wrapped  round  the  court  and  its  grey 
pinnacles  and  towers,  and  the  lights  twinkled  away  into  the 
distance  while  the  throng  of  youngsters  moved  along.  That 
was  Cambridge  in  October.  They  may  talk  as  they  like  about 
the  May  Term,  when  the  days  grow  long  and  the  skies  are 
clear,  and  the  avenues  are  rich  in  the  freshness  of  their  leaves, 
but  to  me  Cambridge  in  the  October  Term  is  the  real  Cam- 
bridge. Then  better  than  at  any  other  time,  in  those  long 
evenings  when  the  darkness  comes  down  and  blurs  the  outlines, 
or  when  the  moon  lays  a  soft  and  hazy  light  on  the  gateways 
and  lawns  and  fountains,  you  seem  to  get  that  impression  of 
vague  mystery  that  lingers  about  old  buildings,  the  feeling  of 
hoary  and  venerable  tradition  renewed  by  abounding  youth, 
of  tottering  age  refreshed  by  strenuous  life  and  vigour.  That 
is  the  Cambridge  of  my  dreams,  and  that  to  me  is  the  real 
Cambridge. 

And  what,  after  all,  are  thirty  years?  To  you  looking  forward 
their  length  seems  infinite,  incalculable.  You  think  that  when 
you  shall  have  accomplished  them  you  will  be  a  broken-down  old 
fellow,  with  all  your  joy,  your  keenness,  your  exuberance  thrust 
away  into  the  past,  with  only  a  few  melancholy  years  still  left 
to  you  for  the  living  of  a  grooved  and  humdrum  existence.  But 
to  me,  as  I  look  back  to  my  freshman's  day,  they  seem  as  a 
wind  that  has  blown  and  touched  my  cheek  in  passing,  and 
life  still  seems  full  and  fresh  and  delightful.  We  realise  advanc- 
ing age  by  starts  and  surprises.  A  twinge  in  the  back,  a  stiff- 
ness in  the  knee-joint — what  are  these  ?  A  spin  in  an  out- 
rigger, a  bout  with  the  foils  will  soon  chase  them.  But  they 
are  not  chased  so  easily,  and  in  the  morning,  when  you  stand 
at  your  looking-glass  confessional,  and  do  penance  with  your 


NOVEMBER  7,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


227 


Rector.  "Now,  WHAT  YOU  WANT,  MY  GOOD  MAN,  is  OXYGEN,  PLENTY  OF  OXYGEN." 

Giles  (brightening  up).    "LAW  NOW,  is  IT,  SIR?  AN'  THANKYE  KINDLY.     I  CAN'T  SAY  AS  I  EVER  TASTED  THAT  SORT  o'  GIN,  BUT 

I  'LL   ASK   FOR   IT   OVER  TO    THE    'THREE   TUNS.' " 


razor,  you  may  notice  a  gray  patch  or  so  where  formerly  all  was 
black  or  brown,  and  the  little  network  of  lines  that  many 
years  of  repeated  smiles  have  stamped  about  your  eyes.  And 
the  youngsters  treat  you  with  a  deference  that  is  almost  dis- 
agreeable, though  you  would  think  them  unmannerly  if  they 
abandoned  it.  You  are  no  longer  slapped  heartily  on  the  back, 
your  ribs  receive  no  more  familiar  digs,  and  you  marvel  as 
you  watch  two  of  your  nephew's  friends  chasing  and  tripping, 
and  disarranging  and  battering  one  another,  with  shouts  of 
laughter  as  though  nothing  in  the  whole  world  could  be  so 
amusing  as  to  bruise  or  be  bruised  by  a  familiar  friend.  Still, 
we  are  not  old — shall  we  ever  be  ? — and  when  we  meet  together, 
as  we  sometimes  do,  at  festivals  and  celebrations,  we  are  apt 
to  say,  with  OLIVER  WENDELL  HOLMES, 

Has  there  any  old  fellow  got  mixed  with  the  boys  ? 
If  there  has,  take  him  out  without  making  a  noise. 

If  you  are  not  acquainted  with  the  works  of  this  kind  and 
friendly  American,  get  them  at  once  and  read  them.  You  will 
find  in  them  a  truer  refreshment  and  a  serener  wisdom  than  in  all 
the  ponderous  volumes  of  the  philosophers.  And  here  let  me  ob- 
serve, by  way  of  parenthesis,  that  when  I  was  in  Cambridge,  I  saw 
my  old  bedmakerand  my  gyp.  My  dear  JACK,  bedmakers  and  gyps 
never  grow  older.  Something  there  must  be  in  their  occupa- 
tions that  keeps  them  immovably  fixed  at  a  certain  point  of 
life.  These  two  familiar  faces  were  not  altered  by  a  single  line 
from  my  memory  of  them.  Mrs.  WKIGLET'S  well-worn  shawl 
hung  on  its  accustomed  nail,  the  same  shawl,  to  all  outward 
appearance,  that  used  always  to  stray  mysteriously  into  coal- 
boxes  or  cupboards.  Her  voice  was  the  same.  She  came  to 
greet  me,  bearing  the  same  old  tin  dish-cover  in  one  hand, 
and  the  same  piece  of  cracked  crockery  in  the  other,  and  she 
still  complained  that  Cambridge  was  not  what  it  used  to  be, 
and  that  two  brass  fardens  would  cover  all  that  was  spent  daily 
in  food  upon  her  staircase.  She  will  never  change  and  never 
die.  Someday  she  will  cease  to  be.  A  company  of  ghostly 
bedmakera  will  come  on  an  evening  when  her  work  is  done  and 


spirit  her  away  to  a  place  where  there  are  no  tables  to  be  laid 
and  no  beds  to  be  made,  and  where  there  are  no  tradesmen's 
boys  to  offer  her  any  impudent  suggestions. 
Good-bye,  my  dear  boy.     Your  affectionate  uncle, 

ROBERT  ROUNDABOUT. 


A  Word  to  Wrangling  Leaders. 

IT  is  not  much  use  to  sneer  or  to  hiss, 
It  is  foolish  and  futile  to  froth  and  foam  ! 

And  were  it  not  well — at  a  time  like  this — 
To  wash  dirty  (party)  linen  at  home  ? 


ILLOGICAL  CONDEMNATION. — Experiments  with  the  Zalinski 
pneumatic  gun  were  recently  tried  at  Milford  Haven,  which  is 
a  haven  all  very  nice  for  Cymbeline's  Imogen,  but  net  for  a  quiet 
visitor  when  gun  practising  is  going  on,  and  the  result  was  that 
the  Zalinski  gun  made  only  one  hit  out  of  seventeen  rounds. 
80,  observed  a  naval  correspondent  in  the  Globe,  "the  gun  can- 
not be  considered  a  success."  Ahem !  But  suppose  Mr. 
WINKLE  SNODGRASS  ZALINSKI,  out  with  a  shooting  party,  nit 
only  one  partridge  in  seventeen  shots,  would  every  one  at  once 
declare  that  the  fault  lay  with  the  weapon,  and  not  with  Mr. 
WINKLE  SNODGRASS  ZALINSKI  ?  Of  course,  ZALINSKI  himself 
would  say  so,  just  as  Mr.  WINKLE,  not  shooting,  remarked 
about  his  skates.  Probably  the  gun  is  not  a  success,  but  this 
decision  is  not  to  be  arrived  at  by  the  reasoning  aforesaid. 


FRESH  WATER  AND  NEW  NAME. — Works  to  purify  the  River 
Ure  were  recently  inaugurated  by  Lord  RIPON,  Marquis  and 
Mayor.  It  is  to  be  hoped  that  they  are  of  those  "  good  works  " 
which  do  not  go  unrewarded.  And  when  the  nver  purified 
shall  begin  to  run  afresh  its  new  course,  let  its  name  be  changed 
to  what  sounds  ordinarily  like  a  tu-quoque  retort,  and  be  called 
"  Ure  Another,"  which  it  will  be,  quite  another. 


228 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  7,  1896. 


"WHERE  THE- 


THE    LANGUAGE    OF    SPORT. 

!    WHAT  THE !       WHO  THE !  !  !    WHY  THE- 


DARBY  JONES  ON  TURF  MATTERS. 

HONOURED  SIR, — You  and  your  readers 
must  now,  indeed,  be  callous  as  to  the 
upheaval  in  the  price  of  cereals.  While 
believing  that  the  ever-resourceful  TOM 
CANNON  might  fire  an  unexpected  shot  at 
the  last  moment,  I  nevertheless  boldly 
proclaimed  the  probable  victory  of  Wink- 
field's  Pride  in  the  Cambridgeshire.  And 
of  course  it  came  off,  as  easily  as  does  the 
gold  foil  of  a  champagne  flask  at  the  hands 
of  an  expert.  Nevertheless,  I  frankly 
confess  that  I  was  fairly  puzzled  by  the 
way  in  which  Mr.  J.  C.  SULLIVAN'S  chest- 
nut colt  was  knocked  about  (metaphori- 
cally) a  few  days  before  the  contest.  With 
tears  of  anguish  I  remember  that  on  the 
previous  Friday  I  twice  refused  to  take 
£1,000  to  £5  about  the  Irishman's  chance ! 
Think  of  that,  honoured  Sir!  By  my 
egregious  weakness  with  regard  to  my  own 
powers  of  divination,  I  have  probably  de- 
prived myself  of  a  glorious  Winter  of  Con- 
tent. Not  but  that  sundry  shekels  have 
been  added  to  the  wallet  which  I  carry  in 
my  pistol  pocket,  but  I  missed  the  grand 
coup,  the  Austerlitz  or  Waterloo  of  the 
racing  campaign,  owing  to  the  plausible 
pleading  of  a  "  Fly-flat."  No  more  piti- 
able creature  exists  than  this.  He  is,  to 
borrow  a  simile  from  the  Wizard  of  the 
North,  the  Ttugald  Dalgetty  of  modern 
chivalry.  Always  thinking  that  he  knows 
better  than  anyone  else,  and  but  too  eager 


to  take  advantage  of  the  failings  of 
others,  he  is  invariably  captured  and 
stripped  of  all  his  possessions  before  he  is 
well  aware  of  the  fact.  And  yet  by  such 
a  Braggart,  who  professed  to  know  a 
Stable  Secret,  an  Old  Campaigner  was  in 
duced  to  abstain  from  raking  in  the  plun- 
der?  which  none-too-kind  Fortune  had 
again  placed  at  his  disposal.  I  therefore  im- 
plore all  noblemen  and  gentlemen  to  take 
warning  by  my  woeful  example,  and  avoid 
the  "  Fly-flat "  as  they  would  immature 
whiskey,  or  tickets  in  a  Hamburg  lottery. 
He  is  pretty  easy  to  recognise,  and  must 
on  no  account  be  mistaken  for  "  One  of 
the  Boys,"  or  that  candidate  for  a  paulo- 
post-futurum  workhouse,  the  harmless, 
but  perhaps  necessary,  "Mug."  The  "Fly- 
flat  "  is  not  only  dangerous  to  himself, 
but  his  existence  is  inimical  to  others. 
That  I  should  have  been  entrapped  by  his 
specious  birdlime  proves  that  even  a  Solon 
might  be  deceived  by  oaths,  considerably 
more  veracious  in  quality  than  those  em- 
ployed in  her  Majesty's  Courts  of  Equity 
and  Justice.  Yes,  Sir,  even  the  most 
knowing  birds  are  occasionally  "  twigged. " 
For  instance,  Mr.  ARTHUR  COVENTRY, 
after  despatching  large  fields  of  silken 
jackets  with  faultless  celerity,  had  to 
return  home  on  the  Cambridgeshire  day 
minus  his  well-appointed,  and,  I  doubt 
not.  well-lined,  overcoat. 

Newmarket  is,  I  take  it,  the  Metropolis 
of  the  racing  world,  and  the  Jockey  Club 


must  be  the  equine  Houses  of  Lords  and 
Commons  rolled  into  one,  while  always  in 
the  Birdcage  flit  hither  and  thither  the 
most  radiantly-clad  bipeds  that  ever  de- 
lighted the  eyeballs  of  man.  Neverthe- 
less, it  seems  to  me  that  the  Jockey  Club, 
Monarchs  and  Masters  of  all  they  survey, 
resemble  that  old  lady  who,  on  arriving 
at  forked  roads,  was  undecided  as  to  her 
course  of  travel.  Either  the  Jockey  Club 
wants  to  keep  its  meetings  Select,  and 
available  only  for  the  Honoured  Few  who 
form  Upper-Ten  Society,  or  else  it  desires 
to  attract  to  the  Heath  the  Many  who  are 
not  slow  to  repay  Considerate  Hospitality 
with  £  ,s.  d.  If  the  former  be  the  object 
of  the  Club,  it  is  as  successful  as  were  the 
Japanese  ironclads  in  the  late  far  Eastern 
war.  If  the  latter,  I,  with  all  humility, 
aver  that  the  Stewards  go  the  wrong  way 
to  work. 

I  believe  that  the  eminent  firm  of  BER- 
TRAM cater  for  the  unseen,  but  always 
craving,  inner  man,  both  at  Newmarket 
and  Kempton  Park.  I  will  guarantee  that 
were  Messrs.  JOHN  and  WILLIAM  examined 
before  a  Select  Committee  of  Turfites, 
they  could  point  out  the  horrible  gulf  of 
non-accommodation  which  is  placed  be- 
tween the  Jockey  Club  Show  at  New- 
market and  that  so  sagaciously  governed 
by  Mr.  S.  H.  HYDE  from  his  Elizabethan 
Castle  by  the  Thames.  Indeed,  honoured 
Sir,  I  fancy  that  you  yourself  might  give 
valuable  testimony,  for,  if  my  waning  eye- 
sight did  not  deceive  me,  I  could  swear 
that  an  aristocratic  gentleman  who 
lighted  his  choice  Havana  with  a  five- 
pound  note  after  the  victory  of  Vesuvian 
in  the  Dewhurst  Plate,  was  none  other 
than  man  redacteur  princier.  My  know- 
ledge of  the  Gallic  tongue  is,  I  may  add, 
mainly  derived  from  a  French  marquis, 
who  stood  to  win  £20,000  over  Omnium 
71.,  and  borrowed  the  cash  necessary  for 
the  return  journey  to  his  native  land  from 
Your  trustful  adherent, 

DARBY  JONES. 

P.S. — N«xt  week  I  shall  have  Some- 
thing on  Toast  for  you  and  yours.  There 
should  be  many  a  Christmas  Turkey  in  my 
information.  Was  that  indeed  you,  hon- 
oured Sir? 

[We  hasten  to  resent  DARBY  JONES'S  insinua- 
tion. In  the  first  place,  we  were  not  at  Newmarket, 
but  at  the  Foreign —never  mind.  Secondly,  we 
could  not  be  s-uilty  of  such  asinine  conduct  as  that 
described.  The  individual  referred  to  must  have 
been  D.  J.'s  friend,  the  "  Fly-flat."— ED.] 


Chorus  for  the  New  Anti-Jingoism. 

WE  used  to  back  the  Turk, 
But  we  're  weary  of  that  work, 

Our  old  policy  is  shifting  as  an  opal. 
We  '11  skedaddle  from  the  Nile, 
Just  to  make  the  Frenchmen  smile, 

And  the  Russians  now  may  take  Con-stan- 
ti-no-ple ! 


BRAVO,  SYDENHAM! — The  Directors  of 
the  Crystal  Palace  announce  that  next 
year  all  their  efforts  will  be  devoted  to  the 
celebration  of  the  sixtieth  year  of  the 
Queen's  reign.  The  splendid  building  is, 
without  doubt,  the  best  conservatory  of 
HER  MAJESTY'S  good  deeds,  which  have 
never  ceased  to  blossom  since  the  exhibi- 
tion of  1851  proved  how  foolish  it  was  for 
foreigners  to  throw  stones  at  our  great 
national  glass  house. 

THE  REASON  WHY  WE  HAVE  HAD  so  MUCH 
WET  WEATHER.  —  Because  the  SUN  was 
locked  up  at  the  Chinese  Embassy. 


NOVEMBER  14,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


229 


UNGRATEFUL. 

TJic  Pride  of  the  Hunt  (to  Smith,  who,  for  the  last  ten  minutes,  has  been  gallantly  struggling  ivith  obstinate  gate).   "Mn.  SMITH,  IF  YOU 
REALLY  CAN'T  OPEN  THAT  GATE,  PERHAPS  YOU  WILL  KINDLY  MOVE  OUT  OF  THE  WAY,  AND  ALLOW  ME  TO  JUMP  IT  !  " 


THE  TWO  PRESIDENTS. 

[A  friend  of  Mr.  McKiXLEY  says  that  he  dis- 
regards "  artistic  and  intellectual  interests." 

Daily  Graphic,  October  30.] 

McKiNLEY  has  no  love  for  art — 
Such  trifles  are  not  in  his  way — 

Unlike  the  President  we  start, 
The  painter  POYNTER,  P.R.A. 

Bimetallism  is  a  quite 

Entrancing  study,  some  men  say  ; 
It 's  intricacies  may  delight 

McKiNLEY  of  the  U.S.A. 

But  raise  this  country's  taste  till  we 
Raise  no  more  monuments — or  stay, 

Raze  some  as  bad  as  bad  can  be — 
Oh,  painter  POYNTER,  P.R.A. ! 

The  London  statues,  as  a  whole, 
Might  make  the  gravest  Goldite  gay, 

And  stir  that  inartistic  soul, 
McKiNLEY  of  the  U.S.A. 

Of  paintings,  too,  there  are  complaints, 
But  into  these  we  need  not  stray, 

Because  he  personally  paints, 
Does  painter  POYNTER,  P.R.A. 

The  figure  nude,  the  figure  clad, 

The  figure  clerical  or  lay ; 
The  frightful  modern  dress,  as  bad 

With  us  as  in  the  U.S.A. 
All  these  he  might  improve,  no  doubt, 

And  try  to  sweep  bad  taste  away  ; 
If  so,  he  'd  find  his  work  cut  out, 

Would  painter  POYNTER,  P.R.A. 


A  GREAT  CHANCE. 

THIS  from  the  advertising  columns  of 
the  Morning  Post :  — 

(~]  RASS. — Any  Lady  or  Gentleman  wishing  a 
\JT  quiet  turn  out  for  winter  months ;  40  acres 
run,  abundance  of  grasj,  water;  nice  loose  boxes 
to  run  into  if  wet ;  terms,  with  every  attention, 
4s.  per  week  ;  dealers  ignored. 

What  an  opportunity  a  lady  or  gentle- 
man wearied  by  London  summer  season, 
unwilling  to  face  the  "  festive  "  season  of 
Christmas,  and  only  asking  for  plenty  of 
space  ("  40  acres  ")  for  exercise  when  fine, 
and  a  loose  box  to  run  into  when  it  rains. 
"  Abundance  of  grass,"  too.  Wouldn't 
this  be  the  very  thing  for  a  "  Grass 
Widow  "  ? 


At  Melton. 

First  Sportsman.  That  crock  of  yours 
seems  to  be  a  bit  of  a  songster. 

Second  Sportsman.  Yes ;  he  has  always 
been  like  that  since  I  lent  him  to  a  well- 
known  English  tenor. 

First  Sportsman  (drily).  You  should 
have  taken  him  in  exchange. 


HTTLLO,  BOYS,  HULLO  !  —  There  is  but 
one  President,  and  Punch  was  his  prophet. 
Vide  our  congratulatory  cartoon  last 
week  announcing  the  election  before  the 
news  was  received  here. 


THE  WALKYRIE  COLLECTION. 

WALKER,  like  Christmas,  comes  but  once 
a  year,  with  his  Christmas  books,  pocket- 
books,  and  diaries.  The  printed  descrip- 
tions of  these  pocket-books  (which  are  all 
pocketable,  that  is,  after  legitimate  pur- 
chase, when  they  become  presentable), 
are  sometimes  magnificent,  often  interest- 
ing, and  occasionally  touching.  Thus 
how  spacious  must  be  the  Imperial  Pocket, 
which  can  hold  "Russia,"  and,  next  in 
size,  "Morocco."  How  strong  could  be 
the  interest  that  every  admirer  of  such 
books  as  Alice  in  Wonderland  or  of  Sand- 
ford  and  Merton  would  take  in  ordering 
a  specimen  of  "Polished  Crocodile."  How 
the  tender-hearted  would  willingly  ex- 
pend six  shillings  in  comforting  "Crushed 
Morocco."  That  "Cloth  limp"  should  be 
set  down  as  "  Fast "  conveys  a  moral. 
The  notice  that  "  Diaries  :are  Renewable  " 
seems  to  be  an  offer  made,  perhaps  on  ad- 
vantageous terms,  :by  Destiny  to  the  mor- 
tal purchaser.  From  experience,  Mr. 
Punch  praises  the  Walkerie  Pencils.  Mr. 
Punch  has  ere  now  described  them  as  the 
handiest  of  the  handy,  and  he  may  now 
add,  that  as  "  handy "  they  "  take  the 
palm."  

PRESIDENTIAL. — The  Silverites  in  the 
United  States  are  now  known  as  the 
Silver- wrongs. 


230 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  14,  1896. 


NOVEMBER  14,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


231 


AN  IMPEEIAL  PROGRAMME. 

IT  is  understood  that  the  Council  of  the  Imperial  Institute  are 
taking  measures  to  prevent  a  repetition  of  recent  "Conglomer- 
ate" proceedings.  A  series  of  twelve  lectures  is  contemplated, 
which  it  is  hoped  will  at  once  restore  confidence  and  replenish 
the  coffers  of  the  Institute.  The  subjects  and  the  lecturers  in 
the  following  syllabus,  which  has  not  yet  been  finally  approved, 
are  quite  above  suspicion  :  — 

4  Sound  and  Colour  "  . 
4  Popular  Anatomy  "  . 
4  Centrifugal  Force  and  the  Properties 

of  the  Circle  " 

4  The  War  of  the  League  "   . 
4  Physiognomy  of  the  Facial  Angl 
4  Moral  Philosophy  "    .        . 
4  The  Ascent  of  Man  "  . 
4  The  Descent  of  Man  " 
4  The  Transfer  of  Property  " 
4  The  Eye  and  all  about  it "  . 


The  Moore  and  Burgess  Minstrels. 
Mr.  GEORGE  EDWARDES. 


French  without  a  Master 

4  Summers  in  the  Vineyards  of  South 

Kensington  " 


LORD  GEOKGE  SANGBR. 
Mr.  TIMOTHY  HEALY,  M.P. 
Mr.  ARTHUR  ROBERTS. 
Mrs.  ORMISTON  CHANT. 
Mr.  Steeplejack  HARRISON. 
Professor  BALDWIN. 
Mr.  WILLIAM  SYKES. 
Dr.  ELIZABETH  MARTIN. 
M._VILLEMESSANT,  of  the  Figaro. 

Sir  SOMEHS  VINE. 


A  Cat-astrophe  at  Hamburg. 

IT  is  not  generally  known  that,  in  addition  to  bis  love  for 
boarhounds,  Prince  B-SM-RCK  is  an  ardent  admirer  of  the  feline 
race.  The  other  day  at  Hamburg  he  loosed  a  splendid  Russian- 
German  cat  from  his  bag,  which  caused  great  wonder  in  all 
European  menageries.  It  was  originally  an  unsuspected  member 
of  the  Triple  Happy  Family,  which  Prince  B.  formerly  managed, 
but  its  presence  was  wholly  unsuspected  by  the  Austrian  Eagle 
and  the  Italian  Buffalo.  It  is  believed,  moreover,  that  the  great 
showman  has  several  other  equally  startling  specimens  of  kindred 
race,  but  he  sincerely  regrets  that  he  has  no  Anglo-Teutonic 
freak  in  his  collection.  At  least  one  Imperial  authority  inclines 
to  the  idea  that  Prince  B.  is  afflicted  with  Katzen- jammer,  and 
wishes  that  he  would  retire  to  Heligoland. 


THE  LOFTIEST  BALL-PLAY  KNOWN. — That  of  Sir  ROBERT  BALL, 
who  is  constantly  landing  himself  among  the  stars. 


Bad  Little  Boy.    "  You  TELL  YOUR  BROTHER  !  AN'  I'LL  BRSAK 

EVERY  PANS  0'   GLASS  Iff  YOUR  FACE/" 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

A  Reviewer  of  Books  is  disturbed  in  hisjanctum 
by  a  request  from  a  Literary  Young  Woman, 
who  perpetrates  fiction. 

WHERE  sparrows  build  I  have  my  nest, 

High  on  the  topmost  floor. 
The  very  place  for  work  and  rest, 

With  close  and  "  sported  "  door. 
What  matter  if  the  street  boy  yell 

"  The  winner  1 "     Here  his  voice 
Can  scarcely  reach.     Mid  asphodel 

I  could  not  more  rejoice. 

A  tranquil  air  my  books  surround, 

Friends  that  can  never  fail 
To  rouse,  refresh,  make  pleasant  sound 

In  words  that  never  pale  ! 
For  speech  is  theirs,  loud  to  the  ears 

As  if  they  spoke  indeed ! 
The  solace  of  a  lifetime's  years 

They  bring  to  those  who  read. 

Brave  classic  HORACE,  minstrel  king, 

Flushed  with  Falernian  wine, 
Shall  now  his  deathless  ballads  sing 

With  music-words  divine ! 
Let  VIRGIL  meet  the  grand  old  Greek 

Who  told  the  tale  of  Troy, 
And  I,  amid  the  great  antique, 

Become  again  a  boy  I 

Let  SHAKSPEARE  supplement  the  feast, 

And  HAZLITT'S  subtle  pen, 
TRELAWNEY  from  the  glowing  east, 

Make  bright  my  dingy  den ! 
And  shall  my  SCOTT  neglected  be, 

Or  shunned  my  dear  DEFOE? 
What  time  that  KINGSLEY  makes  our  Sea 

The  pride  of  Westward  Ho! 


A  hundred  others  I  could  name 

Whose  style  can  never  fade, 
The  pioneers  of  English  fame 

Where  English  hopes  are  laid ! 
Yet  with  them  there  are  strangers,  too, 

Who  doughty  deeds  have  done. 
Who  caught  that  thought  of  "  derring  do  " 

That  makes  the  wide  world  one. 

You  see  that  all  my  spirit  goes 

Back  to  the  faded  past. 
I  do  not  like  the  mind  that  knows 

The  ^eaves  that  cannot  last. 
What 's  this  I     A  ring !     I  quit  mine  ease  ; 

Repose  for  me  is  fled ! 
A  book  1     A  note !     You  ask,  "  Do  please 

To  read  Miss  Go-a-head!" 


OF  one  LEYMARIE,  who  shot  at  a  police- 
man, the  report — not  of  the  pistol,  but  of 
those  who  examined  the  shooter — was  that 
"he  professes  to  be  an  anarchist,  but  his 
sanity  is  doubtful."  Surely,  for  "but" 
should  be  read  "  therefore."  The  sentence 
ought  to  have  been,  "He  professes  to  be 
an  anarchist ;  if  this  is  proved  to  be  :true, 
then  his  insanity  is  beyond  question."  If 
not  true,  he  is  sane,  and  a  criminal. 

At  Ventnor. 

Grimes  (to  Dimes,  a  famous  Alpine  ex- 
plorer). Why,  what  on  earth  are  you  do- 
ing here  ?  Lungs  not  weak,  I  hope  ? 

Dimes.  Not  a  bit.  But  the  fact  of  the 
matter  is,  it  does  me  good  to  climb  up  to 
the  station  every  morning  to  get  my  daily 
papers. 


THE    VERY    OLDEST 
Whirli-gig  of  Time. 


MOTOR-CAR. — The 


AN  APPEAL. 

[A  large  proportion  of  the  numerous  recent  bi- 
cycling accidents  to  ladies  has  been  caused  by  the 
dangerous  practice  of  4<  coasting,"  or  riding  with  the 
feet  on  the  foot-rests,  down-hill.  —  Daily  Paper.] 

PRITHEE,  PHYLLIS,  give  up  coasting  — 
This  appeal  to  you  I  'm  making  : 

'Tis  your  neck,  down  hillsides  posting  — 
And  my  heart  —  you  're  after  breaking  1 

Woman  —  so  they  say  who  know  her  — 
Let  not  this  suggestion  rankle  — 

Chiefly  coasts  that  she  may  show  her 
Pretty  foot  and  well-turned  ankle  ! 

Even  so,  pray  give  up  coasting, 

Homage  I  will  duly  render, 
And  instead,  admire  them  toasting, 

If  I  may,  upon  the  fender  1 


"  Silly  libel  !  "    Yes,  I  know  ii 
On  that  point  we  need  not  quarrel  ; 

But  he  is  concerned,  your  poet, 
For  tha  Queen  who  gave  his  laurel. 

Coasting  is  a  "  dangerous  practice," 
Let  me  beg  of  you  -to  end  it; 

Do  not  argue,  for,  the  fact  is, 
Argument  cannot  defend  it. 

Yes.  I  know  —  you  say  you  Ve  never 
Had  a  spill  yet  —  don't  be  boasting  I 

Though  you  do  it  "  clean  and  clever," 
Prithee,  PHYLLIS,  give  up  coasting  1 


"TEMPORA  MUTANTUR."  —  Rather!  See 
the  Times  of  a  century  ago  reproduced 
this  week.  

POPULAR  TOAST  IN  A  RAPIDLY  INCREAS- 
ING SUBURB. — "  Brix-ton  and  mortar ! " 


232 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  14,  1896. 


JOTTINGS    AND    TITTLINGS. 

(BY  BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO  JABBERJEE,  B.A.) 
No.  XXVII. 

Mr.  Jabberjee  is  unavoidably  compelled  to  return  to  town,  thereby  affording 
his  Solicitor  the  inestimable  benefit  of  his  personal  assistance.  An 
apparent  attemvt  to  pack  the  Jury. 

THE  Public  will  be  astounded  at  the  news  (which  came  with 
the  perfect  novelty  of  a  surprise  upon  this  insignificant  self)  that 
I  have  ceased  to  be  the  cherished  guest  beneath  the  hired  Scottish 
roof  of  Mister  LEOFRIC  ALLBUTT-!NNETT  and  his  bucksome  lady. 

It  fell  out  after  this  fashion. 

One  fine  September  morning,  when  I  was  accoutring  myself 
in  order  to  go  out  and  hunt  the  robert  (N.B.  a  genuine  local 
Scotticism  for  individuals  belonging  to  the  rabbit  genius),  there 
came  to  me  my  young  friend  HOWARD,  who  was  to  teach  my 
young  idea  how  to  shoot,  in  great  gloom,  asking  me  if  it  would 
take  me  a  prolonged  period  to  pack  up  my  impedimenta. 


Baboo  Chuckerbutty  Earn. 

I  replied  that  I  could  do  the  trick  instantaneously,  inquiring 
the  reason  for  his  question. 

"Because,"  said  he,  "if  I  were  you,  I  should  have  a  wire  re- 
quiring me  to  come  up  to  London  at  once." 

"From  my  solicitor P"  I  inquired.  "Is  he  then  desirous  of 
consulting  with  me  ?  " 

My  friend  answered  me  that  it  was  the  one  object  of  his 
present  existence. 

"  In  that  case,"  said  I,  rather  spiritedly,  "  let  him  come  up  here, 
since  I  am  not  a  mountain  that  I  should  obey  the  becking  call  of 
any  Mahomet.  Moreover,  I  am  impatient  to  achieve  the  de- 
struction of  some  Scottish  roberts." 

"  If  you  will  take  my  advice,"  he  said,  "  you  will  grant  them  a 
reprieve,  and  make  a  scarcity  of  yourself.  There  is  a  train  for 
Glasgow  which  you  can  just  catch.  I  wouldn't  distress  the  Mater 
and  Governor  by  any  farewells,  you  know." 

"  But,"  I  objected,  "  I  am  not  even  in  receipt  of  any  telegram. 
Nor  can  I  possibly  omit  the  etiquette  of  a  ceremonious  leave- 
taking  with  your  honourable  parents." 

"Just  as  you  please,"  replied  he.  "Just  now  the  Governor 
and  Mater  are  in  the  front  sitting-room,  engaged  in  perusing  the 
back  numbers  of  your  precious  '  Jossers  and  Tidlers '  or  whatever 
you  call  'em,  which  have  been  thoughtfully  forwarded  by  a  rela- 
tive. I  don't  think  I  'd  disturb  them." 

"  Are  they  so  hugely  interested  in  the  performances  of  my  un- 


assuming penna?"  I  cried,  with  the  gratified  simpering  of  a 
flattered. 

"  It  looked  like  it  when  I  left  the  room,"  said  he  ;  "  the  Mater 
was  very  near  rolling  on  the  oilcloth,  and  the  Governor  dancing 
and  foaming  from  his  mouth.  What  an  awfully  old  ass  you  have 
been,  JAB,  to  go  and  blurt  out  everything  in  print — about  your 
breach  of  promise  case,  and  getting  to  know  us,  and — worst  of 
all— being  merely  a  bogey  prince.  Naturally,  we  don't  care 
about  being  made  to  look  fools.  The  dear  old  Mater,  you  know, 
is  one  of  those  simple,  trusting  natures  that,  if  they  once  dis- 
cover they  have  been  taken  in  by  a  sham  title,  why,  they 
kick  up  the  row  of  a  deuce  !  And,  as  for  the  Governor,  he 's  the 
sort  of  old  retiring  chap  that  has  a  downright  loathing  of  pub- 
licity, when  it  makes  him  ridiculous.  If  he  came  across  you  just 
now,  there  's  really  no  saying  what  he  mightn't  do.  He 's  such 
a  devilishly  hot-tempered  old  boy !  " 

I  did  not  comprehend  the  reasons  for  such  exuberant  anger, 
but,  of  course,  young  HOWARD  insisted  so  urgently  on  physical 
dangers  to  myself  if  I  delayed,  that  I  hastened  stealthily  to  my 
room  by  a  backstair,  and  flinging  my  paraphernalia  with  incred- 
ible despatch  into  a  portmanteau,  was  so  fortunate  as  to  convey 
it  out  or  the  house  without  attracting  the  invidious  attention  of 
my  host  and  hostess,  who  were  probably  still  occupied  in  foam- 
ing and  rolling  upon  the  carpet  like  angry  waves  of  the  sea. 

Young  HOWARD  accompanied  me  to  the  station,  though  blam- 
ing me  as  the  cause  of  his  embroilment  with  his  progenitors,  who, 
it  seems,  had  insisted — quite  unjustly — that  he  must  have  known 
from  the  first  that  my  nobility  was  merely  a  brevet  rank ;  and 
Miss  WEE-WEB  bade  me  farewell  with  a  soft  and  perfectly  lady- 
like cordiality,  being  too  grieved  by  my  departure  to  make  any 
allusion  to  the  head  and  front  of  my  offending. 

Now  I  am  once  more  in  London,  paying  daily  visits  of  several 
hours  to  the  office  of  my  solicitor,  in  order  to  assist  him  in  the 
preparation  of  my  brief. 

The  other  day,  Baboo  JALPANYBHOY  and  Baboo  CHUCKER- 
BUTTY  HAM  attended  for  the  purpose  of  arranging  their  evidence, 
when  I  regret  to  say  the  former  made  a  rather  paltry  exhibition 
of  himself,  being  declared  by  Mr.  SMARTLE  himself  to  be  totally 
incompetent  to  prove  anything  whatever  material  to  the  case, 
and  I  am  therefore  resolved  to  refuse  him  admission  to  the 
witness-box. 

I  am  more  hopeful  of  Mr.  CHUCKERBUTTY  RAM,  who,  I  think, 
after  diligent  coaching  from  myself,  may  be  induced  to  restrain 
his  natural  garrulity,  and  speak  no  more  than  is  set  down  for 
him,  which  is  simply  that  I  have  already,  in  his  presence,  con- 
tracted matrimony  with  a  juvenile  native,  and  that  the  laws 
of  my  country  entitle  me  to  marry  several  more. 

This  is  in  support  of  one  of  my  most  subtle  pleadings  of  defence, 
to  wit,  that  I  have  already  offered  to  marry  the  plaintiff  accord- 
ing to  my  country's  laws,  but  that  she  did  definitely  decline  such  a 
marriage  as  polygamous,  (which  it  is  indubitably  liable  to  be- 
come at  any  moment,)  consequently,  that  my  said  contract  is 
nilled  by  mutual  consent. 

Mr.  SMARTLE  was  of  the  opinion  that  the  plaintiff's  solicitors 
would  move  to  strike  out  such  a  pleading  as  bad  in  law,  since  it 
is  no  defence  to  an  action  for  breach  of  promise  that  the  defend- 
ant is  already  the  Benedick.  Fortunately  they  have  omitted 
to  do  this,  and  I  anticipate  exciting  excessive  admiration  in  Court 
by  the  ingenuity  of  my  arguments  from  Analogy,  Common 
Sense,  Roman  Law,  &c. 

My  said  solicitor  has  also  communicated  with  Hon'ble  Sir 
CHETWYND  CUMMERBUND,  to  inquire  if  he  would  consent  to  ap- 
pear as  a  witness  to  my  dependent  filial  condition,  and  entire 
lack  of  the  sinews  of  war ;  which,  with  fatherly  kindness,  he  has 
agreed  to  do,  and,  as  he  rather  humorously  puts  it,  convince 
the  jury  that  I  am  the  good  riddance  of  bad  rubbish. 

Now  the  decks  are  cleaned  for  action,  and  all  is  ready  for  the 
forensic  logomachy  as  soon  as  it  may  please  Providence  and  some 
associate  in  the  Queen's  Bench  Division  to  place  the  suit  of 
ManJdetow  v.  Jabberjee  in  the  list  of  causes  for  the  day. 

My  solicitor's  advice,  which  I  shall  very  probably  adopt,  is  to 
keep  as  close  as  possible  to  the  issues,  and  more  especially  to  the 
point  that,  if  I  gave  any  promise  to  marry  at  all,  it  was  extorted 
from  me  by  threats  of  bodily  violence  which  reduced  me  to  a 
blue  funkiness. 

Also  he  recommends  that  I  am  not  to  attempt  any  golden- 
mouthed  eloquence,  thereby  making  the  lamentable  exhibit 
of  a  most  stupendous  ignorance  of  human  nature! 

For  what  can  melt  the  stony  hearts  of  men,  causing  them  to 
bellow  like  an  ox  and  become  tender  as  chickens,  or  what  can 
rouse  them  to  Indignation,  Approval,  Contempt,  Wonderment, 
and  every  other  known  sentiment  as  required,  so  effectively  as  the 
trumpeting  tongue  of  oratorical  eloquence  ? 


NOVEMBER  14,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


233 


All  I  can  aver  is  that,  if  I  am  not  to  be  permitted  to  draw  the 
glittering  sword  of  my  tongue  from  the  scabbard  of  my  mouth, 
I  shall  infallibly,  in  sheer  sickishness  at  such  short-sighted  folly, 
throw  up  my  brief ! 

I  must  not  omit  to  say  that  if  any  of  my  fellow-colleagues  on 
this  periodical  (of  course  including  Hon'ble  Editor)  should 
be  anxious  to  become  eye-witnesses  of  my  forensic  debut,  I  shall 
be  overjoyed  to  procure  their  admission,  and  will  instruct  the 
Usher  that  they  are  to  be  awarded  the  seats  of  honour.  Perhaps 
it  might  even  be  feasible  for  two  or  three  of  them  to  obtain 
appointments  as  jurymen. 

If  so,  let  them  not  turn  the  deaf  ear  to  the  gentle  wheezings 
of  their  esprit  de  corps,  but  remember  that  it  is  not  the  custom 
for  one  eagle  to  peck  another  in  his  optics. 

P.S. — Since  writing  the  above,  my  attention  has  been  drawn 
to  sundry  abusive  threats  and  challenges  by  your  esteemed  con- 
tributor, Hon'ble  AUGUSTS,  offering  to  arrange  a  meeting  for 
mortal  combat  with  certain  Parisian  warrior  journalists,  or  if  I 
am  a  "poltroon,"  he  is  to  beat  me  blue  and  black  and  pull  me 
by  the  nose.  I  wish  to  assure  him,  first,  that  it  is  not  humanly 
possible  that  I  can  be  a  "poltroon,"  since  I  do  not  even  compre- 
hend the  meaning  of  the  term  !  Secondly,  that,  being  immersed 
in  litigation  over  head  and  ears,  it  is  not  convenient,  or  even 
practicable,  for  me  either  to  box  or  permit  the  pulling  of  my 
nose  at  present  date.  Thirdly,  that  it  was  not  this  unoffending 
self  whom  he  saw  at  Brighton  in  a  false  red  and  white  collar  and 
a  pork-pie  bonnet,  since  I  am  never  at  Brighton,  nor  do  I  wear 
such  ludicrous  garbage,  but  ordinary  simple  European  attire 
Let  him  be  mindful  of  the  antique  fable  of  the  Wolf  and  the 
Lamb,  and  not  respond  to  me,  "If  not  yourself,  then  it  was  in- 
dubitably your  mother."  Finally,  I  beg  to  tender  him  the  most 
abject  and  gentlemanly  apology,  and  shall  always  regard  him  as 
my  loving  brother.  H.  B.  J. 

[Eo.  NOTE. — The  air  having  been  thus  completely  cleared,  this  unfortunate 
controversy  must  be  considered  to  have  ended.] 


AUGUSTE  EN  ANGLETERRE. 

EDIMBOURG.     (Contd.) 

DEAR  MISTER, — I  have  written  you  there  is  eight  days  how  I 
am  of  return  to  the  hotel  in  the  Prince  Street,  after  to  have 
visited  the  melancholy  singing  coffee,  where  the  "  bagpips " 
wanted  entirely.  Eh  well,  being  fatigued,  I  couch  myself  on  the 
field,  sur-le-champ. 

Well  soon  I  find  that  I  have  beautiful  to  couch  myself,  I  have 
beautiful  to  essay  of  to  sleep,  it  is  impossible !  And  for  why  ? 
All  simply  at  cause  of  the  insupportable  noises  of  the  detestable 
trains,  there  in  face.  I  have  beautiful  to  turn  myself,  I  have 
beautiful  to  cover  myself  the  ears,  all  is  unuseful,  I  sleep 
not  of  the  whole.  All  the  night,  absolutely  without  cease,  I 
hear  thj  whistlings,  the  rollings,  the  noises.  Of  time  in  time  I 
lift,  myself,  and  for  to  repose  myself,  I  walk  myself  of  long  in 
large  and  I  regard  by  the  window,  which  gives  on  the  valley  and 
on  the  castle.  A  beautiful  view,  but  I  have  enough  of  her,  I 
assure  you  of  it !  I  see  her  in  effect  by  night,  by  the  feeble 
light  of  the  crepuscule,  at  the  point  of  day,  and  in  full  day, 
without  the  least  relaxation  of  the  sacres  bruits  en  bas,  the 
sacred  noises  in  low.  By  blue !  Mieux  vaut,  for  to  repose 
himself,  to  pass  the  night  even  in  a  Spanish  train,  than  in  a 
room  on  the  street  of  an  hotel  at  Edimbourg!  In  the  train 
one  hears  but  the  sole  train,  in  the  room  one  hears  of  them  an 
infinity  I  Only  towards  the  six  hours  I  distinguish  less  the 
noises  of  the  trains,  because  the  noises  in  the  street  commence. 
He  goes  without  to  say  that  I  descend  of  good  morning,  of  very 
good  morning.  At  nine  o'clock  and  half  I  go  to  visit  the  Castle, 
that  I  have  already  seen  so  well  from  my  chambre  a  coucher — 
a  coucher,  parbleu !  I  arrive  too  soon,  the  apartments  are  not 
yet  open,  I  must  attend.  In  attending  I  see  to  pass  some  brave 
soldiers,  some  "  Hihlanders,"  of  the  "  Blackvatch."  Ah,  what 
droll  of  costume !  But  the  men  are  magnificent.  I  hear  also  a 
little  the  music — tiens ! — of  the  "  bagpips."  Oh,  la  la !  I  wish 
not  more  of  herl  In  fine  I  visit  the  apartments,  and  then  I 
go  to  the  Cathedral.  I  enter  rapidly,  being  pressed,  and  at  the 
instant  that  I  mount  the  marches  of  the  portal,  a  man,  seated 
at  a  table,  arrests  me  with  some  crys.  He  demands  three 
pennys  of  entrance.  What  droll  of  church!  And  the  good  man 
cried  himself  so  much  of  violence,  because  he  feared  of  to  lose 
the  pennys,  that  which  would  be  insupportable  for  a  Scottish. 
But  when  I  say  to  him,  "  Frighten  not  yourself,  I  am  stranger, 
I  knew  not  that  he  must  to  pay,  I  pay  volunteerly,  but  be  polite 
at  the  least,"  he  becomes  more  civil.  When  I  enter  I  find  that, 
to  true  to  say,  it  is  not  the  pain.  For  the  church  is  entirely 


AFTER    THE    CAB    STRIKE. 


Very  Light  Porter.  "  No,  SIR,  THE  DOIN'  UP  OF  THAT  STRIKE 
AIN'T  DONE  us  NO  GOOD  ;  'AVEN'T  'AD  NOTHINK  TO  CARRY  NOT  FOR 
A  WEEK,  SIR  ;  QUITE  A  TREAT  THIS  is,  SIR." 


remise  a  neuf,  reput  to  new.  More  late  I  discover  that  the 
ancient  edifices  of  Edimbourg  are  thus  new,  and  that  the  new 
edifices,  the  moderns,  are  ancient — as  the  office  of  post,  the 
hotel,  and  the  fragments  of  the  miserable  station  of  Waverley. 
What  droll  of  town ! 

Then  I  visit  the  home  of  JOHN  KNOCKS,  and  the  Palace  of 
Hollyrude,  all  sad  and  in  a  miserable  quarter.  From  there  I  go 
to  the  hill  of  Calton,  and  the  coacher  of  the  fiacre  essays  of  to 
show  to  me  the  view  so  extended.  But  the  fog,  until  here  grey, 
becomes  much  more  thick,  and  I  see  absolutely  nothing,  ex- 
cepted  the  monuments.  Oh,  the  drolls  of  monuments  1  Above 
all  the  "  National  Monument,"  the  fragment  of  a  copy  of  the 
Parthenon.  Ah  ca,  un  veritable  jeu  d'esprit,  absolument  in- 
attendu,  absolutely  inattended  in  this  country  so  solemn! 

At  midday  he  commences  to  fall  of  the  rain.  Edimbourg  by 
the  most  beautiful  day  of  sun  is  grey  and  sad.  But  by  a  day 
of  fog  and  of  rain,  my  faith !  I  rest  at  the  hotel,  and,  having 
enough  of  time,  I  visit  the  ascenseur,  a  veritable  object  of 
interest,  anciently  perhaps  in  the  house  of  JOHN  KNOCKS.  He 
goes  so  gently  that  if  one  is  pressed  one  mounts  by  the  stair- 
case. He  is  even  more  slow  than  the  ascensors  of  the  italian 
hotels.  And,  par  dessus  le  marche,  above  the  market,  one  sees 
on  the  door  the  american  word  "Elevator,"  that  which  is  the 
most  rapid  ascensor  of  the  world !  An  American  and  his  wife 
and  me,  who  make  the  ascension  together,  we  laugh  much  of  it. 

The  afternoon  I  visit,  all  wetted,  the  bridge  of  the  Fourth, 
and  the  evening — not  wishing  to  pass  one  other  night  without 
to  sleep — I  part  from  the  excellent  station  of  the  railway  of  the 
North-west,  I  couch  myself  in  the  good  waggon-bed  of  the  train, 
and  I  sleep — all  but,  so  well ! — just  until  London. 

Agree,  <fec.,  AUGUSTE. 

DESIRABLE  QUALITY  FOR  A  PICKPOCKET.— Pursepickacity. 


234 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  14,  1896. 


CUT    SHORT. 

Affected  Young  Poet.  "Do,  Miss  BELLA,  GRANT  MB  ONE  FAVOUR.     LET  ME  ASK  YOU " 

Miss  Bella.  "  I  KNOW  WHAT  YOU  'RE  GOING  TO  SAY.     You  WANT  ME  TO  LEND  YOU  A  HAIR-PIN  ! " 


HELIOS  ON  THE  AUTOCAR. 

(Old  Sol's  Soliloquy,  on  Saturday,  November  14  1896.) 
IT  doesn't  want  horses,  it  doesn't  want  sails, 
It  doesn't  want  wings,  and  it  doesn't  want  rails, 

Nor  reins,  nor  a  whip,  nor  a  bridle  I 
Prometheus  was  right !     There  is  nous  in  this  Man ! 
And  since  he  has  hit  on  this  capital  plan, 

To  stand  out  any  longer  were  idle. 

My  chariot  and  steeds  look  romantic — in  Art ! 
But  they  are  such  a  trouble !     A  countryman's  cart 

Is  safe  whilst  slow  market- wards  plodding. 
But  going  the  Zodiac  Course  at  my  pace, 
With  horses  like  mine  of  a  high-mettled  race ! — 

It  leaves  not  a  moment  for  nodding  1 

Young  Phaeton's  self  might  have  handled  this  car  1 
Mount,  turn  on  a  tap,  and  by  Jove,  there  you  are  1 

Might  make  poems,  or  love,  whilst  on  duty. 
Whilst  I — I  might  set  all  creation  on  fire 
If  I  stopped  for  a  tipple,  or  happened  to  tire, 

Or  winked  at  a  by-standing  beauty. 

Could  not  stand  a  growler,  much  less  a  two  D.  'bus. 
But  this  autocar ! — it  would  not  disgrace  Phoebus. 

In  fact,  I  've  no  doubt  proud  Apollo, 
Who  calls  himself  God  of  the  Sun — which  is  fudge  ! — 
If  finding  my  autocar  answer,  will  judge 

It  were  wise  my  example  to  follow  I 

He 's  thundering  cocky  ;  but  if  my  new  trap 

Should  give  him  the  go-by,  the  bumptious  young  chap 

Won't  like  to  be  licked  by  old  Solly. 
By  Jove,  I  must  have  one  1     It  won't  want  much  care, 
And  then  I  may  cut  Phoebus  out  with  the  Fair, 

And  that  will  be  awfully  jolly. 


Besides,  I  can  give  my  poor  horses  a  rest, 
Or  send  'em  to  grass,  if  petroleum  proves  best, 

As  a  motor,  or  e'en  electricity. 

Kim  up! — for  the  last  time,  my  beauties!     1  'm  onl 
As  an  autocar-driver  the  life  of  the  Sun 

Will  be  one  of  supremest  felicity  I 


In  the  Grand  Hotel  Smoking-Room. 

Artist  (who  refers  to  the  election  of  the.  President  of  the 
Academy).  Most  satisfactory  election  that  of  the  New  President  ? 

Yankee  (who  refers  to  the  future  President  of  the  United 
States) .  Yes.  I  reckon  the  gold  bugs  will  make  things  hum . 

Artist  (somewhat  confused).  Splendid  works  of  his,  "Israel  in 
Egypt  "  and  "  A  Visit  to  ^Esculapius,"  eh  ? 

Yankee  (equally  confused).  I'm  referring,  Sir,  to  "sound 
money." 

Artist.  That  must  have  been  one  of  his  earlier  efforts.  (Aside.) 
He's  certainly  cracked.  (Aloud.)  Good-night.  [Exit  hurriedly. 

Yankee.  Good-night.  Guess  the  cocktails  here  are  too  strong 
for  that  young  man.  Egypt  1  Israel !  ^sculapius.  He 's  seeing 
snakes.  I'm  off!  [Exit  himself,  precipitately. 

PROBLEMATICAL. — Should  the  shareholders,  who  rejected  their 
directors'  carefully-prepared  scheme,  neglect  to  furnish  "  the 
Wherewithal  "  to  carry  put  their  own  plans,  then  "  The  Chartered 
Company  "  may  deem  it  advisable  to  change  its  name  to  "  The 
Shattered  Company." 

SUBJECT  FOB  AN  OPERATIC  CARTOON,  TO  BE  ENTITLED  "THE 
HOARSE  BEFORE  THE  CARTE." — The  Manager  of  the  Savoy  sympa- 
thetically listening  to  a  tenor  suffering  from  a  severe  cold. 

APPROPRIATE  WISH  TO  AN  INVETERATE  SMOKER  ON  His  BIRTH- 
DAY.— "  Many  happy  returns  to  your  pipe." 


hj 


o 

O 


o 
d 


Q 

H 

W 
i— i 

S 

\ 

3 

El 


w 

H 

H 
hj 


OJ 


w 


a 


hH 
HH 


NOVEMBER  14,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


237 


DISCOURAGING. 

The  Poet's  Wife.   "  GOT  A  CHEQUE  FROM  YOUR  PUBLISHERS?" 

The  Poet  (wearily).   "YES:  A  POST-CARD,  SAYING,   'FoR  MERCY'S  SAKE  GIVE  us  A  REST!'" 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

PHIL  MAY'S  Gutter  Snipes,  which  are 
veritable  "  snipe-shots,"  taken  on  the  spot, 
and  every  one  of  them  a  hit,  is  the  best 
collection  of  genuinely  humorous  pic- 
tures from  the  London  streets  that  can 
be  seen  anywhere.  Every  figure  in  it 
is  a  type  recognisable  by  all  Londoners. 
The  humour  is  comic,  grim,  pathetic. 
It  depends  solely  on  the  drawing,  unas- 
sisted by  dialogue.  They  are,  indeed, 
"  Living  Pictures."  They  have  been 
brought  out  in  one  handsome  volume  by 
the  Leadenhall  Press,  Limited,  and  should 
have  an  unlimited  circulation. 

The  pictures  in  Nonsense  for  Somebody, 
Anybody,  and  Everybody,  written  and 
illustrated  by  A  Nobody,  are  eccentric 
and  amusing,  and  a  dash  of  colour  adds  to 
their  effect.  The  verses,  though  they  may 


possibly  have  suggested  the  illustrations, 
are  not  up  to  the  pictures,  and  cannot 
for  a  moment  be  compared  with  those 
ancient  ones  of  King  Lear  in  this  particu- 
lar line,  and  of  this  particular  sort  of  line. 
It  is  brought  out  by  GARDNER,  DARTON  & 
Co.,  of  Paternoster  Buildings. 

The  first  volume  of  The  Political  Life 
of  William  Euxirt  Gladstone — "a  noble 
volume"  Lord  ROSEBERY  calls  it — brings 
a  marvellous  career  up  to  the  end  of  the 
Session  of  1876,  which,  at  the  moment  all 
unknowing,  witnessed  the  withdrawal  of 
Mr.  DISRAELI  from  the  House  of  Commons. 
Mr.  Punch,  of  whose  many  sterling  quali- 
ties modesty  is  not  least  marked,  feels 
some  delicacy  in  writing  about  the  work 
of  his  own  progeny.  Happily  he  is  re- 
lieved by  no  less  an  authority  than  the 
Prime  Minister  from  the  task  of  describing 
the  objects  and  estimating  the  value  of 


the  work.  "It  is  valuable,"  writes  Lord 
SALISBURY,  "as  a  record  of  successive 
phases  of  political  feeling,  and  to  one  who 
can  remember  those  times,  it  is  full  of 
interesting  reminiscences."  That's  about 
it,  all  packed  into  a  sentence.  It  may 
perhaps  be  added  that  for  a  younger  gene- 
ration who  cannot  remember  the  times, 
here  is  rare  opportunity  of  seeing  how 
they  looked  beheld  through  keen,  ob- 
servant eyes.  With  something  of  a 
shock  of  surprise  my  Baronite  is  re- 
minded that  Mr.  GLADSTONE'S  Parliament- 
ary career  began  nine  years  before  Mr. 
Punch,  by  the  issue  of  his  first  number, 
formally  assumed  kindly  charge  of  the 
affairs  of  the  Universe.  Once  at  his  post 
he  took  note  of  young  GLADSTONE,  and 
for  the  last  fifty  years  there  are  few  of 
his  weekly  numbers  that  have  not  con- 
tained some  pictorial  note  of  this  wonder- 
ful life.  The  first  time  Mr.  GLADSTONE 
was  pictured  in  Punch  was  in  the  Session 
of  1859,  when  he  interposed  in  debate  on 
the  Reform  Bill  of  that  year.  It  is  a 
slight  sketch,  illustrating  a  Homeric  ver- 
sion of  the  debate,  in  which  reference  is 
made  to  "the  Classic  GLADSTONE."  His 
first  appearance  in  a  full-page  cartoon  is 
in  connection  with  his  Budget  in  1861.  He 
is  presented  as  the  dentist  in  attendance  on 
Master  BULL,  comforting  the  apprehensive 
youth  with  assurance  that  so  far  from 
extracting  any  more  teeth  in  the  way  of 
income-tax  lie  means  to  remit  a  penny. 
Thereafter,  through  all  the  changes  of  a 
bustling  life,  Mr.  GLADSTONE  periodically 
re-appears.  It  is  interesting  to  watch, 
as  the  years  pass,  how  the  side-whiskers 
disappear,  the  hair  grows  more  scanty 
over  the  lofty  brow,  the  wrinkles  deepen 
on  the  mobile  face,  the  tall,  slim  figure 
begins  to  droop,  the  decades,  as  they 
accumulate,  carrying  him  farther  and 
farther  away  from  the  cast  and  stamp 
of  the  dark-haired,  bright  -  faced,  dis- 
tinguished-looking young  man  whose 
portrait  prefaces  the  volume.  This  is 
an  engraving  from  the  picture  taken 
by  W.  BRADLEY  of  Mr.  GLADSTONE  in  his 
twenty-eighth  year,  which  to-day  hangs  in 
Hawarden  Castle.  The  illustrat'ons  of 
the  volume  are,  of  course,  unique.  The 
letterpress  is  a  masterpiece  of  lucid  con- 
densation, marked  by  judicial  tone  rare 
in  the  biographies  of  political  personages. 
THE  BARON. 


NEW    COINAGE. 

MR.  PUNCH'S  DESIGN  FOR  "REVERSE"  OF 
PENNY  TO  BE  ISSUED  IN  CELEBRATION  OF  THE 
SIXTIETH  YEAR  OF  HER  GRACIOUS  MAJESTY'S 
REIGN. 


238  PUNCH,     OR     THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI.  [NOVEMBER  14,  1896. 


FANCY  PICTURE  REPRESENTING  SOME  "  LIVER-Y  MEN  "  OF  THE  CITY  OF  LONDON ! 

THE  DAY  AFTER  THE  GUILDHALL  BANQUET. 


SARK  ON  SULPHUROUS  WATERS. 

EXTRACTS  FROM  THE  TRAVEL  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

Harrogate,  Monday.— "It's  very  curious,"  said  the  Membei 
tor  hark,  with  a  faraway  look  in  his  eyes. 

"  What  is  curious  P  "  I  asked,  gently. 

SARK  is,  I  fear  only  temporarily,  a  changed  man.  What  Mem- 
bers on  the  other  side  of  the  House  of  Commons  used  indifferently 
to  call  arrogance,  censoriousness,  or  dogmatism,  has  disappeared. 
Kemarkable  what  effective  solvent  for  these  qualities  are  two 
twelve-ounce  tumblers  of  strong  "Old"  sulphur  water,  taken 
before  breakfast,  followed  at  intervals  later  in  the  day  by  two 
eight-ounce  tumblers  of  chalybeate,  totting  up  with  twenty 
minutes'  stew  in  strong  sulphur  bath,  heated  to  98  degrees. 

"It's  curious,"  SARK  continued,  with  just  the  slightest  sus- 
picion of  accustomed  acerbity,  "  how,  dealing  with  identical  per- 
sons suffering  from  precisely  the  same  diseases,  real  or  imagined, 
methods  of  treatment  and  personal  customs  vary  at  different 
watering-places.  At  Aix-les-Bains,  for  example,  having  had  your 
bath,  you  are  carefully  bundled  up  in  blankets  till  you  closely 
resemble  a  mummy.  Two  men  enter  the  bath-room  carrying  a 
sort  of  sedan  chair.  Into  this  you  are  lifted ;  another  twist  is 
given  to  your  blankets ;  the  curtains  are  closed ;  you  are  carried 
off  to  your  hotel,  dropped  into  your  bed  (or  somebody  else's)  and 
there  left  for  twenty  minutes — not  a  second  less,  not  a  beat  of 
the  pendulum  more.  I  think,  cher  Tobee,  you  once  told  a  story 
of  an  incursion  of  one  of  these  bundles  into  your  bedroom  at 
Aix-les-Bains  ?  " 

I  blushed  as  I  recalled  how,  standing  one  morning  at  the 
window  of  my  bachelor  room  in  the  Hotel  Splendide,  feasting  my 
eyes  on  the  azure  plain  of  Lake  Bourget,  and  the  jagged  roof -tree 
of  the  mountains  that  girdle  it,  the  door  opened.  Two  men 
entered  with  sedan  chair ;  set  it  on  the  floor ;  turned  down  the 
bedclothes — my  bedclothes — and  bundled  into  my  bed  a  portly 
female.  Afterwards,  the  porters  explained  that,  the  lady's 


French  not  being  that  of  Aix-les-Bains,  they  had  misunderstood 
her  instructions,  and  conveyed  her  to  the  wrong  room. 

But  that  is  another  story,  and  if  SARK  had  only  had  a  third 
twelve-ounce  tumbler  of  what  here  is  always  affectionately 
alluded  to  as  "  Old  "  sulphur,  he  would  have  been  too  depressed 
to  have  hunted  up  the  reminiscence. 

"  Well,"  continued  SARK,  "  what  I  mean  is  this.  According  to 
the  rule  at  Aix-les-Bains,  after  taking  a  bath,  otherwise  under 
precisely  the  same  conditions  as  at  Harrogate,  it  is  imperatively 
required  that  for  a  while  you  lay  up  under  the  blankets.  At 
Bath  the  same  principle  obtains  to  the  extent  that  having 
stewed  for  the  ordered  time  in  a  hot  bath,  you  sit  for  a  quarter 
of  an  hour  in  the  cooling-room.  There  is  the  alternative,  also 
recalling  the  custom  at  Aix-les-Bains,  that  at  Bath  you  may  be 
carefully  wrapped  up  and  sent  home  in  a  bath-chair,  with  in- 
structions to  lie  down  to  cool  off.  Neither  at  Harrogate  nor 
at  Homburg  is  there  any  such  observance.  As  soon  as  you 
have  had  your  bath,  the  attendants,  so  to  speak,  call  the  watch 
together,  let  you  go,  and  thank  Heaven  they  are  rid  of  a  rogue. 

"  Then  there  's  drinking  water.  At  Aix-les-Bains  there  is  no 
water  to  drink,  consequently  you  don't  drink  it.  At  Bath  a 
tumbler  of  water  is  incidentally  served  whilst  you  sit  in  the  cool- 
ing room.  Also  there  is  a  pump-room,  where  inoffensive  water 
is  taken  in  moderate  quantities.  But  it  is  not,  as  at  Homburg, 
Aix-la-Chapelle,  and  Harrogate,  a  leading  feature  in  the 
cure.  At  Homburg,  some  people  take  baths ;  all  drink  water. 
The  fashionable  hour  is  7  A.M.,  when  the  band  under  the  trees 
by  the  Elizabethan  Brunnen  hails  smiling  morn  with  a  hymn 
tune.  Within  half  an  hour  the  leafy  allee  is  thronged  with  a 
gay  company,  walking  briskly  up  and  down  for  the  stipulated 
fifteen  minutes  intervening  between  successive  glasses  of  water. 
In  the  miserable  little  garden  enclosing  the  wells  at  Aix-la- 
Chapelle,  there  is  the  same  brisk  walking  to  and  fro,  round  and 
round,  to  the  strains  of  a  beautiful  band.  Here  they  don't 
commence  with  a  hymn,  but  a  touch  of  solemn  respectability 


NOVEMBER  14,  1896.]  PUNCH,     OR     THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI. 


239 


//M  ^   ni  !     I 

THE    MOTOR    'BUS. 

Fussy  Old  Gent.  "Hi !    STOP  !  STOP  !     I  WANT  TO  GET  DOWN."  Driver.  "/  CAN'T  STOP  THE  BLOOMIN'  THING  ! 


is  given  to  the  proceedings  by  every  man  in  the  band  wearing  a 
top  hat.  That  is  interesting  as  showing  how  serious  a  part  of 
the  cure  water  drinking  is  regarded  under  some  systems.  At 
Harrogate  we  take  our  water  strong  and  often.  But  save  during 
a  limited  portion  of  the  season  we  have  no  band,  top  hatted  or 
otherwise ;  nor  any  long,  leafy  alee  in  which  to  stroll. 

"  Next  consider  the  drinking  utensils.  At  Homburg  it  is  the 
thing  to  have  your  own  cup  or  glass,  in  which  the  water  is  drawn 
for  you.  At  Aix-la-Chapelle  the  same  custom  almost  exclusively 
prevails.  In  order  to  meet  it,  there  are  in  the  pump-room  tiers 
of  hooks,  each  numbered,  upon  which  the  water  drinker  hangs 
his  cup  when  he  has  finished,  and,  arriving  in  the  morning,  goes 
straightway  to  take  it  down.  I  remember  one  morning,  at  Aix- 
la-Chapelle,  a  blustering  German  bullied  the  obliging  maiden  who 
filled  the  tumblers,  because  on  gofhg  to  find  his  cup  on  his  particu- 
lar nail,  lo !  it  was  not.  She  tremblingly  went  about  till  she  came 
upon  it  (where  he  had  put  it)  on  the  wrong  hook.  Ah  me,  the 
days  that  are  no  more !  What  a  life  I  led  that  German.  Every 
morning  I  was  at  the  pump-room,  bright  and  early ;  found  his 
cup  on  its  own  particular  peg  ;  bore  it  off  to  a  distant  quarter ; 
hung  it  on  an  unappropriated  hook.  Then  to  see  my  friend 
enter,  stamp  up  to  his  hook,  find  it  cupless ;  to  see  him  rage 
round,  Woerth  blazing  in  his  eyes,  Sedan  reddening  his  tightly- 
closed  knuckles!  It  did  me  more  good  than  all  the  waters  of 
Charlemagne's  town ! " 

"  That  is  still  another  story,"  I  diffidently  observed. 

"  Yes.  Talking  about  cups,  I  was  rather  in  them.  I  was  going 
to  say  that,  neither  at  Bath  nor  here,  is  it  the  custom  to  bring 
your  own  cup  or  glass.  Then  take  towels.  At  ail  continental 
watering-places  towelling  is  a  solemn  function.  When  the  ap- 
pointed time  for  concluding  the  bath  is  reached,  the  attendant 
enters,  bringing  towels  almost  red  hot  from  the  oven.  In  one  he 
enfolds  you  and  gently  rubs  you  down.  At  Bath,  this  custom 
is  followed  to  the  extent  of  towels  being  brought  in  hot  at  the 
conclusion  of  the  bath.  Here,  the  towels,  rolled  up  and  warmed 
to  begin  with,  are  placed  in  your  dressing-room  when  you  enter, 
and  thenceforward  you  look  after  yourself. 

"Finally,  as  to  diet.  At  Homburg,  patients  are  dieted  as 
rigorously  as  they  are  watered.  In  most  cases,  as  at  Carlsbad, 
butter  is  anathema.  Eggs,  dry  bread  and  coffee  for  breakfast, 
broth  and  bread  for  luncheon,  bruised  beef  for  dinner,  the  meal 


washed  down  by  a  moderate  quantity  of  hock.  At  Aix-les-Bains, 
strawberries  are  strictly  forbidden.  As  in  the  season  wild  straw- 
berries grow  abundantly  in  the  neighbourhood,  they  form  the 
principal  feature  at  dessert.  This  serves  a  double  debt  to  pay. 
It  exercises  the  boarder  in  self-restraint,  and  it  makes  the  straw- 
berries last  a  long  time,  to  the  profit  of  the  hotel-keeper.  At 
Bath,  I  do  not  remember  any  restrictions  upon  diet,  whilst  at 
Harrogate  coffee,  freely  taken  in  identical  cases  in  Homburg, 
is  one  of  the  few  articles  of  daily  diet  absolutely  tabooed. 

"  Now,  you  know,  dear  TOBY,  these  manners  and  customs, 
flatly  contradicting  each  other,  yet  each  in  a  particular  place 
held  as  essential  to  a  cure,  cannot  all  be  right.  What  are  we 
poor  trusting  patients  to  do  ?  " 

"Better  pay  your  money  and  take  your  choice, "I said,  sooth- 
ingly. 

SABK  was  working  himself  up  into  a  frame  of  mind  incom- 
patible with  the  twelve-ounce  tumbler  of  "  Old  "  sulphur  at  this 
moment  due. 

TO  AN  ORGAN-QRINDER. 

[It  has  been  decided  in  the  Appeal  Court,  Queen's  Bench  Division,  that  a 
householder  cannot  order  an  organ-grinder  to  cease  playing  outside  his  resi- 
dence unless  he  states  his  reasons  for  so  doing.] 

OH  I  hurdy-gurdy  man,  I  wish  that  you  would  go  away, 

How  can  I  do  a  stroke  of  work  if  you  are  going  to  play  ? 

The  language  that  you  make  me  use  I  own  is  somewhat  strong, 

But  why  distract  me  with  the  air  of  "  Now  we  shan't  be  long  "  ? 

Oh,  macaroni-eating  fraud  from  fair  Italia's  land, 

'Tis  useless  to  pretend,  my  man,  that  you  "  no  understand," 

I  know  the  pugilistic  art,  so,  if  you  won't  desist, 

I  '11  give  you  two  good  reasons  with  my  left  and  dexter  fist. 


The  Prevailing  Passion. 

Father  (reading  newspaper) .  I  see  another  Rugby  man  has  been 
appointed  Archbishop  of  Canterbury.  That's  the  third  Rugby 
man  in  succession. 

Son  (a  football  enthusiast).  Well,  I  think  it  is  time  one  of  the 
Association  had  a  turn. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  14,  1896. 


A    CAPITAL    DODGE. 

AMONG  HIS  NATIVE  BANKS  OLD  PODDLES  TAKES  A  LOT  OF  BEATING.     HE  SAYS  THERE  's 

NOTHING    EASIER   WHEN   YOU    KNOW    HOW   TO    NEGOCIATE    'EM. 


DARBY  JONES  REFLECTS  ON  RACING. 

HONOURED  SIB,  —  There  are  moments 
when  a  terrestrial  angel  is  impelled  by  the 
force  of  untoward  circumstances  to  make 
use  of  language  which  would  scarcely  be 
permitted  within  the  Palace  of  St.  Ste- 
phen's, Westminster,  without  a  vehement 
reproof  from  Mr.  Speaker  GULLY.  Such 
an  incident  occurred  yesterday  evening 
when,  just  as  I  was  about  to  refresh  my- 
self with  a  dish  of  Bohea  and  Green  mixed, 
accompanied  by  the  succulent  muffin,  one 
of  your  richly-liveried  emissaries  was  an- 
nounced. With  customary  courtesy  he 
handed  me  a  large  envelope  superscribed 
in  my  name,  addressed  to  your  editorial 
castle,  and  marked  "Immediate.  Impor- 
tant. Confidential."  "This,"  I  thought 
to  myself,  "  is  no  doubt  some  flattering 
testimonial  from  one  of  my  gratified  cli- 
ents," who  are,  alas !  too  scarce  in  propor- 
tion to  my  well-known  services.  Having 
dismissed  your  ambassador,  not  without 
a  trifling  token  of  my  goodwill,  I  tore  open 
the  cover !  Then  it  was  that,  despite  the 
teaching  of  the  Poet  WATTS,  my  angry 
passions  rose,  for  the  communication  was 
nothing  more  nor  less  than  a  'Diatribe  on 


the  Sinfulness  of  Betting,  accompanied 
by  some  far  from  sympathetic  remarks 
with  regard  to  one  RICHARD  DUNN,  a  layer 
of  odds  in  the  ready  money  or  cash  over 
the  counter  style  of  business,  an  operator 
whose  magpie  costume  in  days  gone  by 
never  failed  to  excite  my  warmest  admira- 
tion, and  whose  voice  has  ever  struck  me 
by  its  -quality  and  sweetness  to  be  well 
fitted  for  filling  such  temples  of  the  lyric 
drama  as  Covent  Garden  Theatre,  the 
Grand  Opera,  Paris,  or  La  Scala,  Milan. 
I  understand  that  this  unfortunate  Mr. 
DUNN,  after  having  had  the  complaint 
against  him  as  laid  out  by  the  Anti-Gam- 
bling League  dismissed  by  the  Kingston 
Magistrates,  is  now  to  be  brought  into  a 
superior  Court,  where  his  alleged  iniqui- 
ties will  once  more  be  subjected  to  the  in- 
spection of  Themis,  a  goddess  for  whom  I 
have  but  little  sympathy,  but  much  re- 
spect. It  seems  to  me,  Sir,  that  the  con- 
tinual object  of  Certain  Parties  in  this 
Realm  is  the  Sacrifice  of  Sane  Citizens  for 
the  Protection  of  the  "  Juggins "  (or 
"  Mug  ") .  Because  there  are  a  few  thou- 
sand Congenital  Idiots,  who  get  periodi- 
cally overcome  by  excessive  consumption 
of  the  produce  of  the  juicy  grape,  the 


pretty  little  barley,  and  the  merry  hop, 
these  Parties  urge  us  to  shut  up  those 
houses  of  refreshment  which  are,  in  my 
opinion,  so  many  watch  towers  of  Consti- 
tutional Freedom.  Equally  because  these 
same  Parties  are  aware  that  there  have 
been  instances  of  unscrupulous  fools  who 
have  ruined  themselves  by  improvident 
wagering,  that  therefore  no  Englishman 
shall  be  privileged  to  back  his  fancy! 
Was  there  ever  a  more  preposterous  and 
uncharitable  notion  propounded,  when 
these  very  same  Parties  are,  for  aught  I 
know,  playing  the  good  old  game  of  Bull 
and  Bear  in  that  famous  establishment 
which  has  just  shed  a  financial  lustre  on 
the  question  of  the  Presidential  Election 
in  the  land  of  the  Ever-soaring  Eagle  ? 
But  if  the  "Juggins"  (or  "Mug")  is  to 
be  protected  from  the  nefarious  designs  of 
base  individuals,  let  the  Stewards  of  the 
Jockey  Club  issue  yearly  licences  to  the 
Knights  of  the  Odds !  They  would  not  ob- 
ject, I  feel  confident,  for  the  Ring  is  like 
a  privileged  railway-station  yard,  and  the 
smaller  the  competition,  the  better  is  it 
for  trade.  And  it  wouldn't  'be  a  bad  idea 
to  licence  the  Juggins,  too.  It  is  impos- 
sible to  be  too  Great-grandmotherly  nowa- 
days. The  Lord  Chief  Justice,  Sir  HENRY 
HAWKINS,  and  Sir  FRANK  LOCKWOOD  -could 
from  their  mighty  and  experienced  brains 
draw  up  such  a  perfect  legal  scheme  that 
in  days  to  come  anxious  parents  would 
send  their  offspring  to  a  Model  Race 
Course,  in  preference  to  allowing  them  to 
waste  their  opportunities  by  the  Isis  or 
the  Cam !  You  will,  I  know,  honoured 
Sir,  forgive  this  honest  outburst.  I  have 
not  felt  so  indignant  since  one  night  a 
month  ago,  when,  at  what  I  imagined  was 
a  respectable  Nap  Reunion,  I  found  my 
neighbour,  little  BEN  FERMINADAB,  was  in 
the  habit,  when  my  eyes  were  averted,  of 
paying  me  my  gains  out  of  my  own  money 
lying  on  the  table!  This  discovery  put  an 
end  to  a  pleasant  gathering.  Thus  will 
ono  blnok  sheep  defile  an  entire  flock  of 
immaculate  fleeces. 

But  now,  Sir,  I  conclude  that  you  and 
yours  are  anxiously  waiting  for  the  seer 
to  unfold  his  augury  with  regard  to  the 
Liverpool  Autumn  Cup.  My  Pegasus  shall 
put  his  best  foot  forward,  and  give  wings 
to  the  winner. 

I>t  no  Parisian  run  for  me. 
The  Count  may  come  ajrain  ; 

A  rod  in  pickle  though  I  see, 
I  view  it  with  disdain. 

But,  with  a  Telescopic  eye 
An  Irish  pair  I  scan  ; 

While  Amphi  p'raiw  may  have  a  try 
To  beat  the  Market  man ! 

So  runs  the  Muse  away  with  warblings 
of  "  sound  money."  I  do  not  conceal 
from  you,  Sir,  that  on  Wednesday  the 
winner  of  the  Great  Lancashire  Handicap 
might  respond  to  a  Spur.  Verb.  sap.  is 
the  wish  of  Your  respectful  satellite, 

DARBY  JONES. 

p.S. — I  think  you  know,  honoured  Sir, 
that  Liverpool  is  as  celebrated  as  the  City 
of  London  for  its  luscious  calipash  and 
calipee.  I  need  not  mention  the  hotel, 
but  have  issued  satisfactory  orders  in  your 
name. 

[We  hereby  warn  all  innkeepers  at  Liverpool  not 
to  supply  DARWY  JONES  with  any  port  of  refresh- 
ment without  ready  monev.  He  is  not  to  be 
trusted  "  on  the  nod."— ED.] 


THE  GREATEST  CONNECTING  LINK  BE- 
TWEEN THE  METROPOLIS  AND  THE  NORTH 
OF  IRELAND. — Lord  London-Deny. 


NOVEMBER  21,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


241 


THE    DRAMA   IN   THE    DAYS   OF   ELIZABETH. 

GRAND  SPECTACULAR  SCENE  FROM  HENRY  THE  FIFTH.  RETURN 
OF  THE  VICTORIOUS  ARMY  FROM  AoiNCOURT.  SHAKSPEARE  THEN 
COULD  NOT  VERY  WELL  "  SPELL  RUIN." 

(Dedicated  to  the  Elizabethan  Stage  Society.) 

[The  Elizabethan  Stage  Society  is  going  to  act,  as  it  promised,  The  Two 
Gentlemen  of  Verona  in  Merchant  Taylors'  Hall.  The  date  fixed  is  Saturday 
afternoon,  November  28.] 


FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  PATERFAMILIAS. 

["  The  Americans  have  hit  upon  a  new  woman's  industry— namely,  lullaby- 
singing.  A  certain  number  of  pupils  training  in  the  vocal  schools  and  colleges 
are  to  be  hired  to  visit  the  nurseries  and  sing  to  the  children  at  bed-time,  and 
they  have  found  a  general  appreciation." — St.  James's  Gazette.] 

Monday. — Children  very  troublesome  again  last  night. 
GEORGE  (aged  one-and-a-half)  and  BETTY  (six  months)  firmly 
declined  to  go  to  sleep,  and  howled  loudly  for  hours.  The  nurse 
seems  quite  unable  to  keep  them  quiet,  and  treated  with  much 
scorn  ELIZA'S  timid  suggestion  that  she  should  sing  them  lulla- 
bies, remarking  that  she  wasn't  going  to  demean  herself  in  that 
way,  and  that,  if  we  wanted  singing  done,  we  'd  better  hire  one 
of  those  low  professional  persons  to  do  it.  ELIZA  remarks  that 
perhaps  it  would  be  well  to  do  this,  as  the  papers  say  that  the 
new  lullaby-singers  have  met  with  "general  appreciation." 
Tells  me  to  order  one  on  my  way  home  from  the  city.  (Later.} 
Have  interviewed  the  manager  at  the  College  of  Music,  who 
promised  to  send  round  a  high-class  performer.  Hope  we  may 
get  a  quiet  night  at  last. 

Tuesday. —Young  lady  with  a  large  portfolio  of  music  under 
her  arm  arrived  at  six  o'clock  last  night.  Took  up  her  position 
on  the  hearthrug  in  the  nursery,  and  opened  fire  with  "  Sleep, 
my  love,  sleep!"  followed  by  "We're  a-noddin'."  Only  result 
was  to  make  both  infants  yell  with  terror.  Then  she  began 
SCHUMANN'S  "  Schlummerlied,"  but  stopped  in  the  middle,  ex- 
plaining that  unfortunately  she  could  sing  no  more,  as  she  was 
suffering  from  sore  throat.  Dismissed  her,  and  then  was  kept 
awake  nearly  all  the  night  by  the  children,  in  whom  she  seemed 
to  have  aroused  a  spirit  of  emulation.  Experiment  not  success- 
ful so  far 

Wednesday. — Called  at  the  College  of  Music ;  manager  pro- 
fusely apologetic.  Promised  to  supply  another  vocalist  guaran- 
teed not  to  break  down. 

6  P.M. — Lullaby-singer  number  two  just  arrived.  When  told 
of  our  former  experience,  she  remarked  that  with  intelli- 
gent and  cultivated  children  like  ours  (ELIZA  much  delighted 
at  this)  the  old-fashioned  music  was  of  no  use.  This  case  evi- 
dently needed  to  be  treated  with  WAGNER.  She  begins  to  sing 
WAGNER  forthwith. 

8  P.M. — The  manager  has  fulfilled  his  promise  in  so  far  as  there 
is  clearly  no  chance  of  this  woman  getting  tired.  She  has  a 
voice  like  a  steam-whistle.  She  has  now  been  singing  WAGNER 


for  two  hours ;  both  children  are  still  wide  awake,  and  screaming 
fiercely.  I  fly  to  the  club. 

Midnight. — Return,  to  find  WAGNER  still  being  sung,  and  my 
wife  in  hysterics.  Servant  comes  round  from  next  door :  "  Mr. 
JONES'S  compliments,  Sir,  and  please  when  the  epitheted  substan- 
tive is  this  noise  going  to  stop  ?  "  Expostulate  with  the  singer, 
and  try  to  drive  her  away.  She  refuses  to  go,  saying,  that  the 
credit  of  her  profession  is  at  stake,  and  continues  to  sing  till 
3  A.M.,  when  she  is  at  last  induced  to  depart. 

Thursday. — My  firm  resolve  to  have  nothing  more  to  do  with 
lullaby-singers  is  overcome  by  the  manager,  who  undertakes  to 
send  a  more  skilful  vocalist — free  of  charge — to-night.  Re- 
luctantly acquiesce,  and  she  duly  appears.  Marvellous  to  say, 
her  success  is  complete  ;  after  about  five  minutes  of  her  singing, 
both  children  fall  into  a  profound  sleep.  We  immediately 
offer  her  a  month's  engagement. 

Friday. — Same  delightful  result ;  she  manages  to  soothe 
the  children  wonderfully.  ELIZA,  however,  declares  that  they 
are  both  looking  far  from  well. 

Saturday. — Alas!  we  have  been  outrageously  duped!  To- 
night ELIZA,  not -being  quite  satisfied  with  our  singer's  manner, 
concealed  herself  in  the  nursery  while  she  performed.  To  her 
horror,  she  caught  the  so-called  vocalist  in  the  act  of  administer- 
ing chloroform  to  our  innocent  BETTY  and  GEORGE  !  We  de- 
cide to  dispense  for  the  future  with  the  services  of  the  pro- 
fessional "  lullaby-singer." 

"  ONE  MAN  MAY  STEAL  A  HORSE " 

[Mrs.  CASTLE,  a  wealthy  American  lady,  sentenced  last  week  to  three 
months'  imprisonment  for  stealing  furs,  was  released  after  a  very  short 
detention.  HENRIETTA  STEWART,  a  poor  English  governess,  was  sentenced 
at  the  same  time,  and  (in  a  far  less  degree)  for  the  same  offence,  to  six 
months'  imprisonment,  and  was  not  released.] 

Journalist  interviews  Specialist. 

I  BEG  your  pardon,  but  could  you  tell  me  the  meaning  of 
"kleptomania"? 

It  is  a  modern  name  for  a  very  ancient  complaint. 

What  is  it  called  in  plain  English  ? 

It  used  to  be  known  as  "  picking  and  stealing." 

Why  is  that  term  not  now  employed  ? 

For  fear  of  wounding  the  sufferers'   susceptibilities. 

Does  the  complaint  prevail  with  various  degrees  of  virulence  ? 

Certainly,  it  attacks  persons  very  differently.  It  is  chronic 
in  tha  East  End,  where  many  of  the  patients  belong  to  the  de- 
serving class  of  housebreakers  and  pickpockets.  In  the  West 
End  the  victims  of  the  epidemic  are  less  common,  but  in  the 
City  they  are  by  no  means  rare. 

What  are  the  symptoms  of  the  disease  ? 

An  irresistible  desire  to  appropriate  other  people's  belongings, 
whether  they  be  watches  or  dividends. 

What  is  the  course  of  treatment  for  the  patients  ? 

It  is  generally  found  that  a  three  months'  cure  at  Wormwood 
Scrubs  works  wonders,  though  persons  have  been  known  to  re- 
lapse. 

Is  the  disorder  catching? 

There  is  a  certain  amount  of  catching  about  it,  but  a  good 
many  cases  never  come  to  light. 

Was  it  known  to  the  ancients  ? 

Well,  Mercury  was  a  bit  of  a  kleptomaniac,  while  'Autolycus 
and  ancient  Pistol  are  good  Shakspearian  instances.  In  more 
recent  times  the  patient  was  liable  to  be  hanged,  especially  if 
his  complaint  took  the  form  of  hallucination  with  regard  to 
property  in  sheep. 

What  is  your  theory  with  respect  to  the  disease  ? 

I  think  it  is  probably  due  to  a  bacillus,  of  a  description  acute 
enough  to  notice  the  leniency  with  which  its  host  is  treated. 
Give  it  th«*  slightest  encouragement,  and  it  waxes  fruitful  and 
multiplies  to  an  alarming  extent. 

Is  there  any  check  to  its  depredations  ? 

They  say  that  every  bacillus  has  its  phagocyte,  and  I  believe 
that  the  resources  of  science  are  equal  to  cultivating  the  latter 
with  sufficient  effect.  Meanwhile,  we  must  be  content  vrith  the 
drastic  remedies  at  present  in  vogue,  by  which  the  rich  may 
profit  as  well  as  the  poor. 

RE-NATURALISATION. 

DURING  last  month  fifty  Certificates  of  Naturalisation  were 
granted  to  "  aliens  "  by  the  Home  Secretary.  Could  not  a  few 
be  spared  for  distribution  amongst  the  "  Little  Englanders "  of 
to-day  ? 


VOL.    CXI. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


NOVEMBER  21,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


243 


IN  THE  "FRAM";  OE,  NANSEN,  IN 
THE  NORTH. 

BY  A  WOULD-BE  HERO. 

AlR — "  In  the  Strand;  or,  I  wish  I  were 
with  Nancy." 

OH,   these  are  the  days  for  a  Big,   Big 

Boom, 
And    NANSBN    got    it    amidst    Northern 

gloom, 

In  the  Fram. 
He  has  bossed  that  Boom  at  one  daring 

jump, 
And  it  doesn't  seem  likely  to  be  followed 

by  a  Slump, 
In  the  Fram. 
I  wish  I'd  been  with  NANSBN, 

I  do,  I  do, 

In  the  North  Sea  frore, 
On  the  Arctic  shore, 
To  -live — and  boom — with  NANSEN  1 

So   the   Fram  weighed   anchor  in  June, 

ninety-three, 
And  they  soon  were  ploughing  the  dread 

Kara  Sea 
In  the  Fram. 
They    were    baulked    by    ice-floes,    they 

were  baffled  by  fogs, 
And  they  found  cold  welcome,  and  they 

lost  their  dogs, 
In  the  Fram. 
Those  brave  boys  bound  with  NANSBN  ! 

Oho!  oho! 
Each  hero  swore 
On  sea  or  shore, 
To  live  or  die  with  NANSEN  1 

But  they  did  not  fail,  and  they  did  not 

funk, 
In  a  sleeping-bag,  in  a  frozen  bunk, 

In  the  Fram. 
Though   going  to  sleep   seems  a  difficult 

matter 
For   an   hour-and-a-half   with   your  teeth 

a-chatter, 
In  the  Fram. 
'Twas  a  chilly  time  with  NANSBN,  &c. 

No  danger,  however,  did  they  turn  their 

backs  on, 
But  weren't  they  glad  when  they  met  brave 

JACKSON  ? 
Oh,  the  Fram! 
For  then  they  were  getting  in  rather  a 

poor  way. 
But  now — what  a  time  for  NANSEN  and  for 

Norway, 

And  the  Fram! 
Oh !  'tis  fine  to  be  a  NANSEN  1 

Hurroo !  hurroo  I 
From  the  Arctic  shore 
To  return  once  more, 
And  beam  and  boom  like  NANSEN  ! 

Some     heroes    are    taciturn,     and    some 

laconical ; 
But — read  NANSEN'S  story  in  the   Daily 

Chronicle, 
Of  the  Fram. 
'Tis  a  Brobdingnagian  Boom,  though  he 

didn't  reach  his  goal. 
What  would  it  have  been  had  he  really 

found  the  Pole, 
In  the  Fram? 
I  wish  I  'd  been  with  NANSBN, 

Just  so !  just  so  I 
To  go  the  hero's  rounds, 
And— sack  Thirty  Thousand  Pounds, 
Like  the  smart  Norwegian  NANSEN  I 


REFLECTION  BY  AN  OXFORD  GRADUATE. — 
Little  goes  of  whiskey  make  double  thirsts 
in  time. 


Sportsman  (to  Snobson,  who  hasn't  brought  down  a  single  bird  all  day).    "Do   YOU   KNOW 
LORD  PECKHAM?" 

Snobson.  "On  DEAR,  YES;  I  'VE  OFTEN  SHOT  AT  HIS  HOUSE." 
Sportsman.   ' '  EVES  HIT  IT  ?  " 


Great  Chance  for  the  Collector. 

OF  all  the  pictures  in  various  periodicals 
commemorative  of  the  McKinley  triumph, 
not  one  represents  the  interior  or  domes- 
tic view  of  that  event  so  well  or  so 
forcibly  as  does  the  frontispiece  of  our 
excellent  friend  The  Penny  Illustrated 
Paper.  "  Here  we  see,"  as  the  Showman 
says,  "Mr.  McKiNLEY  a-receivin'  of  the 
telegram  tellin'  'im  as  'ee  's  Delected  by  a 
vast  majority.  An'  'is  wife  rushes  in  at  the 
very  moment  an'  implores  'im  not  to  be- 
lieve only  arf  'ee  'ears,  an'  nothin'  as  'ee 
sees,  'cos  it  ain't  true.  Wich  annoys 
Mister  McKiNLEY,  an'  he  severely  frowns, 
an'  sez,  sezee,  '  Wot,  this  'ere  ain't  true  ? 
'Oo  ar*  you  a-gettin'  at?  An'  look  'ere, 
young  'ooman,  anyway,  true  or  not,  I'm 
President  o'  the  U-nited  States,  I  am  I ' 
An'  so  'ee  were."  But  the  full  force  of 
this  can  only  be  given  by  the  picture  itself, 
of  which  the  intelligent  reader  will  at  once 


procure  a  copy,  and  consider  his  money 
uncommonly  well  laid  out.  As  a  contri- 
bution to  history  it  is  well  worth but 

we  will  not  anticipate. 


Arctic  Polo. 

[Mr.'  LABOVCHERE  asserts  that,  in  view  of  the 
money  acquired  by  Dr.  NANSBN  for  the  descriptions 
of  his  journey  towards  the  North  Pole,  he  has  "  quite 
altered  his  mind."] 

Otra  "  Labby  "  is  a  perfect  bear 

In  Russian  inclination, 
But  now  he  boldly  doth  declare 

His  Polish  destination. 
Whether  he  go  or  whether  not, 
He 's  sure  to  make  earth's  axis  hot. 


THE  COMING  COLOSSUS  OF  ROADS. — The 
autocar.  Let's  hope  it  will  not  be  al- 
lowed, like  the  cad-ridden  cycle,  to 
"  scorch,"  and  so  become  the  "  Autocrat 
of  all  the  Rushers  " ! 


244 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  21,  1896. 


DOMESTIC    ECONOMY. 

Cook.  "WASTEFUL,  MUM?  WELL,  MUM,  THAT'S  ONE  THING  I'M 
NOT!  WHY,  EVERYTHINK  IN  THE  EATIN'  AN'  DRINKIN'  WAY  THAT 
COMES  DOWN  FROM  HUPSTAIRS,  I  MAKE  A  POINT  OF  FINISHIN*  UP 
MVSELF,  MUM  !  " 


HAPPY  HARROGATE. 

EXTRACTS  FROM  THE  TRAVEL  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

Harrogate,  Monday. — Just  before  prorogation  the  Member 
for  SARK  and  I  arranged  to  go  to  Homburg.  After  infinitely 
stretched  courses  of  long  speeches,  diversified  by  a  few  all-night 
sittings,  must  go  somewhere  to  recruit.  On  reflection, 
askad  each  other  Why  Homburg  ?  Are  not  Abana  and  Pharpar, 
rivers  of  Damascus,  better  than  all  the  waters  of  Israel?  If 
we  mu.st  needs  have  most  necessaries  of  life  "made  in  Ger- 
many," at  least  let  us  avoid  the  practice  of  getting  ourselves 
re-made  there. 

"Consult  ROOSTEM  PACHA,"  said  SARK.  "His  knowledge  of 
watering-places,  home  and  foreign,  is  extensive  and  peculiar." 

Dropped  in  on  ROOSTEM  at  his  Pachalik,  off  Berkeley  Square. 
Stated  our  case.  The  great  Pacha  unfolded  his  twined  legs ; 
re-folded  them  ;  hitched  them  a  little  on  one  side  ;  sucked  medi- 
tatively at  his  hubble-bubble,  and  said,  "  Try  Harrogate.  Water 
the  same  as  Homburg,  only  more  so.  In  addition  to  a  well 
containing  much  the  same  properties  as  Elizabethan  Brunnen 
there  is  one  that  equals  Kissingen.  Moreover,  Harrogate  has 
much  the  same  bracing  air  that  distinguishes  Homburg  beyond 
most  continental  watering-places." 

That 's  how  we  came  to  Harrogate.  Find  the  Pacha,  as  usual, 
spoke  the  words  of  truth  and  soberness.  Quite  apart  from 
remedial  effects  of  baths  and  waters,  Harrogate  is  charming 
place  of  residence.  SARK,  who,  like  Ulysses  and  GEORGE  CURZON, 
has  travelled  much,  protests  it  is  one  of  the  pleasantest  places 
he  knows.  The  town  is  built  on  a  tableland  nearly  five  hun- 
dred fe«t  above  the  sea  level.  It  stands  almost  midway  be- 
tween the  German  Ocean  and  the  Irish  Sea.  This  morning  the 
wind  blowing  from  the  East.  SARK  said  he  was  sure  he  could 


scent  the  German  Ocean.  As  we  happened  at  the  moment  to  be 
passing  a  sausage  shop  this  may  have  been  a  fancy  born  of  asso- 
ciation of  ideas.  Beyond  salubrious  height  of  situation,  much 
is  owing  to  happy  accident  of  the  Stray.  This  is  a  patch  of 
grass-grown  common  plucked  out  of  the  heart  of  the  ancient 
forest  of  Knaresborough,  and  secured  for  ever  to  the  people 
of  Harrogate.  No  builder,  speculative  or  otherwise,  may  dese- 
crate it  with  touch  of  pick  or  spade.  Harrogate  is  built  round 
it,  secure  in  possession  of  this  mighty  lung. 

Another  accident  that  confirms  to  Harrogate  the  title  of 
Happy  is  the  contiguity  of  fine,  clean,  and  presumably  cheap 
building-stone.  Consequently  bricks,  which  are  bearable,  stucco 
which  is  unendurable,  are  rarely  seen.  Overlooking  the  Stray 
are  here  an»d  there  to  be  found  peaked  and  gabled  nouses  that 
give  the  place  a  restful,  old-world  look.  The  modern  builder, 
inspired  by  these,  has  added  broad  streets  of  shapely,  comfort- 
able houses.  To  the  casual  passer-by  they  subtly  convey 
impression  of  being  more  than  houses.  They  are  also  homes. 
Churches,  congregational  and  episcopalian,  abound,  without 
exception  of  admirable  construction.  As  for  hotels,  their  name 
is  anything  you  like,  from  The  Prospect  to  The  Prince  of  Wales, 
from  The  Crown  to  The  Marquis  of  Granby. 

SAM  WELLER'S  father,  if  he  were  still  with  us,  and  chanced 
to  drive  round  the  Stray  till  he  passed  The  Marquis  of  Granby, 
would  not  recognise  in  it  any  kinship  with  an  old  familiar  friend. 
The  little  hostelry  at  Dorking,  kept  by  Mrs.  SUSAN  CLAKKE, 
displaying  as  signpost  the  head  of  the  Markis  O'Granby,  could 
comfortably  be  stowed  away  in  the  barn  behind  the  hotel,  which 
at  the  beginning  of  the  century  served  Harrogate  for  a  play- 
house. 

Just  ninety  years  ago  Lord  BYRON  stopped  at  the  Crown, 
and  wrote  there  his  poem,  "To  a  Beautiful  Quaker."  There 
still  lingers  tradition  of  the  terrible  fights  which  took  place 
between  his  two  dogs,  Nelson  and  So'sun.  Quite  a  common 
thing,  the  oldest  inhabitant  of  Harrogate  tells  SARK,  to  see 
the  poet,  broomstick  in  hand,  endeavouring  to  part  the  com- 
batants. In  the  end  peace  was  brought  about  by  the  tragic 
withdrawal  from  the  scene  of  Nelson.  Tiring  of  the  monotony 
of  munching  Sos'un,  Nelson  got  into  the  stable,  and  leaping  at 
the  throat  of  a  horse,  hung  on  till  a  pistol  shot  through  the 
brain  loosened  his  hold. 

"  Harrogate  stingo,"  SABK,  for  shortness,  calls  the  "  Old 
Sulphur "  water  upon  whose  ever-bubbling  stream  Harrogate 
prosperously  floats.  Regarded  as  a  table  water  it  is  not  ex- 
actly attractive.  It  has  the  faint  savour  of  a  beaten-up  egg,  the 
egg  having  been  selected  chiefly  on  account  of  age.  The  Kissingen 
water,  aerated  or  still,  is  almost  palatable.  Both  are  in  their 
way  excellent,  as  the  yearly  accumulating  table  of  those  profit- 
ing by  them  testify. 

"  The  Yorkshire  Spaw,"  as  the  place  is  called  in  ancient  litera- 
ture, enjoyed  wide  fame  as  far  back  as  CROMWELL'S  time. 
Within  the  last  ten  years  it  has  experienced  a  new  and  more 
vigorous  lease  of  life.  The  local  authorities  have  begun  to 
wake  up  to  the  wide  possibilities  that  lie  at  their  hands. 
They  Ve  got  the  wells,  they  've  got  the  baths,  they  want  the 
Kursaal  too.  There  is  no  reason,  beyond  lack  of  well-directed 
enterprise,  why  Harrogate  should  not  be  as  popular  as  Hom- 
burg. But  the  local  authorities  must  do  as  the  shrewd 
burghers  of  Homburg  have  done,  and  to  the  attractions  of 
nature  add  the  luxuries  and  conveniences  of  Art. 

Happily  there  is  a  spur  on  their  intent  in  the  presence  on  the 
spot  of  a  clear-sighted,  long-headed  doctor,  who  has  made  a 
study  of  continental  watering-places,  and  perceives  how  they 
might  be  adapted  to  the  needs  and  opportunities  of  the  York- 
shire Spa.  In  his  mind's  eye  he  beholds  Harrogate  endowed 
with  a  pump-room  common  to  the  service  of  all  the  mineral 
waters ;  covered  promenades  where  patients  may  foregather 
between  their  cups ;  a  concert-hall ;  a  news-room,  even  an  Art 
gallery.  Above  all,  a  band  that  need  not  shrink  from  com- 
parison with  that  which  discourses  sweet  music  at  Homburg. 

Towards  the  realisation  of  this  dream  there  is  already  con- 
tributed a  handsome  block  of  new  baths,  worthy  of  the  archi- 
tectural perfectness  of  the  town,  enriched  with  all  the  latest 
luxuries.  This  is  to  be  opened  in  time  for  next  year's  season, 
when,  peradventure,  SARK  and  I  will  come  again. 


With  the  Queen's 

Leading  Sportsman.  Hold  ha — rd!  Here's  some  more  of  that 
confounded  barbed  wire !  Dashed  if  I  don't  think  this  country 
is  mainly  inhabited  by  retired  fishing-tackle  makers ! 

[Makes  for  nearest  gate,  followed  by  sympathetic  field. 


NOVEMBER  21,  1896.]  PUNCH,     OR     THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI. 


245 


ROUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

(Being  some  Letters  from  Mr.  Roundabout  to  his  Nephew  at  Cambridge, 
and  to  Others.) 

No.  II. — OF  SPELLING — OF  MOTHERS— OF  SCHOOLBOYS  AND  THEIR 
FATHERS — OF  FRIENDSHIP  AND  THE  MAKING  OF  FRIENDS. 

Mr  DEAR  JACK, — It  was  very  pleasant  to  get  your  letter, 
and  I  am  obliged  to  you  for  writing  to  me  so  fully.  I  may 
note,  by  the  way,  that  the  accepted  spelling  of  the  word 
"  obliged  "  is  as  I  have  set  it  down.  "  Oblidged,"  which  you  seem 
to  prefer,  is  a  pleasing  variant,  but  there  is  no  good  authority 
for  it. 

I  saw  your  mother  three  days  ago.  She  was  in  London  on 
what  she  called  a  professional  visit,  that  is,  she  was  taking  the 
reluctant  ALICE  to  be  inspected  by  the  dentist.  ALICE  appears 
to  have  behaved  with  the  Spartan  courage  that  might  naturally 
be  expected  in  one  of  her  sex  and  name,  and  to  have  offered, 
voluntarily,  to  go  again  next  day  at  the  same  price,  namely, 
half-a-crown  in  cash,  and  an  afternoon  at  "  England's  Home  of 
Mystery,"  but  the  perfection  of  her  teeth  and  her  mother's 
arrangements  both  precluded  such  an  arrangement.  Your  mother, 
of  course,  was  fuJ  of  you,  and  though  I  had  written  to  her  and 
described  your  start  in  a  University  career,  I  had  to  go  through 
the  whole  story  again — which  I  did,  not  unwillingly.  I  hope 
you  '11  write  often  to  your  mother,  my  dear  boy.  She  thinks 
you  the  most  beautiful,  the  cleverest,  the  strongest,  and  the 
most  engaging  of  created  beings.  She's  wrong,  or  course — 
even  you  will  admit  that — but  the  least  you  can  do  for  her  to 
repay  her  for  this  amiable  delusion,  and  for  all  she  has  done 
and  suffered  for  you,  is  to  love  her  with  all  your  heart,  and  to 
write  to  her  now  and  then  so  that  she  may  feel  she  has  some 
share  in  your  new  life.  Imagine  the  pleasure  that  it  gives  her 
when,  for  instance,  the  vicar  calls  and  asks  what  news  she  has 
of  JACK,  and  how  he  likes  Cambridge,  and  what  lectures  he  is 
attending,  and  if  he  has  taken  to  boating — imagine,  I  say,  her 
pleasure  at  being  able  to  say  that  she  has  had  more  than  one 
letter  from  you,  that  you  have  taken  to  the  river,  but  you  seem 
to  think  it  unlikely  that  you  will  get  a  seat  in  the  Cambridge 
Eight  next  term,  there  being  so  many  of  last  year's  crew  left, 
and  that  you  are  attending  lectures  regularly  with  a  view  to 
honours  as  a  classical  wrangler,  though,  for  h«r  part,  she  hopes 
you  will  not  overdo  your  reading,  as  young  men  are  so  thought- 
less about  their  health,  and  she  knows  of  one  poor  boy  who 
broke  down  and  became  a  hopeless  idiot  owing  to  overwork. 
The  vicar  will  smile — vicars  have  been  to  Cambridge  or  Oxford 
themselves,  and  know  a  thing  or  two — but  there  will  be  nothing 
bitter  in  the  smile,  for  he  will  probably  remember  the  eager 
enthusiasm  and  devotion  of  his  own  mother  in  days  long  past, 
her  innocent  exaggeration  of  his  merits  and  her  blindness  to  his 
faults.  There  are  at  this  moment  in  existence  some  five 
hundred  mothers  of  Cambridge  freshmen  (not  to  speak  of  about 
the  same  number  of  Oxford  mothers),  each  one  of  whom  firmly 
believes  that  she  has  sent  to  the  University  a  paragon  of  good 
looks,  or  intellect  or  amiability,  or  of  all  three  in  combination. 
When  your  mother  pays  you  her  promised  visit  at  Cambridge, 
you  will  be  proud  of  her  and  make  much  of  her,  and  show  her 
all  the  sights.  It  will  be  a  great  day  for  her — and  for  you. 

At  school,  things  were  different,  I  think.  Certainly  there 
was  pleasure  in  the  prospect  of  parents'  visits,  but  there  was 
also  a  sense  of  anxiety.  Would  their  appearance,  we  asked  our- 
selves, be  creditable  to  us,  or  would  they  put  us  to  shame  by 
wearing  something  or  saying  something  or  behaving  in  a  way 
that  the  public  feeling  of  our  fellow-schoolboys  might  disap- 
prove ?  Boys,  English  boys  at  least,  are  the  merest  slaves  of 
the  narrowest  conventions  with  regard  to  fashion,  and  resent 
bitterly  any  transgression  of  their  little  code.  Your  grand- 
father, as  you  may  remember,  had  a  very  large  head,  and  the 
natural  size  of  his  hats  was  exaggerated  by  their  straight, 
broad  brims.  When  at  an  early  stage  of  my  school  career  the 
old  gentleman  came  to  see  me,  I  hoped  against  hope  that  DUFF 
secundus  might  not  see  him,  for  I  knew  that  DUFF  secundus 
would  disapprove  of  that  hat,  and  would  express  his  disappro- 
val in  his  usual  caustic  way.  Fate,  however,  willed  it  other- 
wise.  My  father  came,  and  DUFF  saw  him  full  in  the  cricket- 
field,  where  no  merciful  shadows  disguised  a  single  inch  of  the 
height  and  circumference  of  that  fatal  hat.  "What  was  that 
your  governor  was  wearing  ?  "  said  this  hateful  boy  to  me  after 
the  old  man  was  gone. 

"A  coat,"  I  replied,  with  a  feeble  effort  to  avert  the  in- 
evitable. 

"  I  don't  mean  that,  fat-face.     What  had  he  got  on  his  head  ? 

"  Oh — a — well,  a  hat.  I  suppose." 

"Just  listen  to  him/'  said  the  little  fiend ;    "he  calls  it  a  hat. 


THOUGHT   TRANSFERENCE. 

Hostess.    "  GOOD  NIGHT,    GENERAL  !      So   KIND   OF  ME  TO  HAVE 

ASKED   YOU." 

Guest.    "NOT  AT   ALL.      So   KIND   OF  ME  TO   HAVE   COME  !" 


I  call  it  a  jolly  big  portmanteau."  The  insult  was  a  gross  one, 
and  I  felt  it,  but  DUFF  secundus  being  an  older  and  rather  a 
bigger  boy  I  bided  my  time  and  swallowed  the  affront.  Two 
terms  later,  however,  a  collision  at  football  convinced  me  that 
I  could  cope  with  him.  On  the  following  morning  I  chose  my 
opportunity,  approached  him  from  behind  and  smashed  his  hat 

over  his  eyes.     "Call  that  a  hat,"  I  said,  "I  call  it -"     I 

never  finished  the  retaliatory  sentence,  for  he  turned  like  light- 
ning and  banged  me  in  the  mouth.  We  fought  in  the  old  hat- 
lobby.  BLOBBS  was  my  second,  CHOLLOP  held  an  imaginary 
bottle  for  DUFF.  The  contest  was  short  but  decisive.  At  the 
start  DUFF  pinned  me  up  against  the  hat-pegs,  and  thus  did  a 
double  execution  upon  my  body  from  in  front  and  from  behind. 
The  position  was  unendurable ;  by  a  great  effort  I  freed  myself 
from  it,  and,  closing  with  the  prematurely  exultant  DUFF,  drove 
my  right  fist  full  on  his  yielding  nose,  and  then  bore  him 
crashing  to  the  ground,  where  he  lay,  a,  gory  spectacle.  I 
asked  him  if  he  wanted  any  more ;  he  said  he  didn't.  I  told 
him  there  was  plenty  more  where  that  came  from  if  I  got  any 
more  of  his  cheek,  and  so  departed  triumphantly  with  the  trium- 
phant BLOBBS.  I  saw  DUFF  only  last  week.  He  is  bald,  he 
wears  spectacles ;  he  is  a  busy  city  merchant.  We  hobnobbed 
together,  and  parted  good  friends.  His  eldest  boy,  he  told  me, 
is  to  go  to  Cambridge  next  October.  You  must  call  on  him  and 
be  kind  to  him,  if  you  can.  By  that  time  you  will  be  in  a 
position  to  show  some  kindness  in  your  little  world,  though  you 
may  think,  too,  that  your  circle  of  friends  will  be  complete, 
and  that  you  will  not  require  any  more.  If  you  do  think  that 
you  will  make  a  mistake. 

But  I  must  break  off  here,  and  resume  the  consideration  of 
this  important  matter  in  another  letter. 

Your  affectionate  uncle,        ROBERT  ROUNDABOUT. 


MANY  of  the  guests  of  the  Motor  dub  went  to  Brighton  on 
Saturday  last  by  a  horseless  carriage — supplied  by  the  L.  B. 
and  S.  C.  Railway. 

CURIOUS  FACT.— Those  who  make  ducks  and  drakes  of  their 
property  are  always  geese  and  ganders. 


246 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHAKIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  21,  1896. 


THE    SUBSTITUTE. 


The  Rector's  Wife,  "  OH,  MRS.  NOGGINS,   I  SHOULD  REALLY  TRY  TO  BREAK  YOUR  PARROT  OF  HIS  HABIT  OF  SWEARING  IN  THAT 

AWFUL  WAY  !  " 

The  Widow  Noggins.    "WELL,  'M,  I  FINDS  IT  SUCH  A  COMFORT  TO  'EAR  'IM.    MAKES  IT  SEEM   MORE  LIKE  AS  IF  THERE  WAS  A 

MAN   ABOUT  THE   'OUSE  AGAIN." 


THE  MUGGLETON  MOTOR-CAR ;  OR,  THE  WELLERS  ON  WHEELS. 

A  Pickwickian  Fragment  Up-to-date. 

As  light  as  fairies,  if  not  altogether  as  brisk  as  bees,  did  the 
four  Pickwickian  shades  assemble  on  a  winter  morning  in  the 
year  of  grace,  1896.  Christmas  was  nigh  at  hand,  in  all  ita 
fin-de-si&cle  inwardness;  it  was  the  season  of  pictorial  too-pre- 
viousness  and  artistic  anticipation,  of  plethoric  periodicals,  all 
shocker-sensationalism  sandwiched  with  startling  advertise- 
ments ;  of  cynical  new-humour  and  flamboyantly  sentimental 
chromo-lithography . 

But  we  are  so  taken  up  by  the  genial  delights  of  the  New 
Christmas  that  we  are  keeping  Mr.  PICKWICK  and  his  phantom 
friends  waiting  in  the  cold  on  the  chilly  outside  of  the  Muggle- 
ton  Motor-car,  which  they  had  just  mounted,  well  wrapped  up 
in  antiquated  great  coats,  shawls,  and  comforters. 

Mr.  WELLER,  Senior,  had,  all  unconsciously,  brought  his  well- 
loved  whip  with  him,  and  was  greatly  embarrassed  thereby. 

"  Votever  shall  I  do  vith  it,  SAMMY  ?  "  he  whispered  hoarsely. 

"Purtend  it's  a  new,  patent,  jointless  fishing-rod,  guv'nor," 
rejoined  SAM,  in  a  Stygian  aside.  "Nobody  'ere '11  'ave  the 
slightest  notion  vot  it  really  is." 

"When  are  they — eh — going  to — ahem — put  the  horses  to?" 
murmured  Mr,  PICKWICK,  emerging  from  his  coat  collar,  and 
looking  about  him  with  great  perplexity. 

"'Osses?  "  cried  the  coachman,  turning  round  upon  Mr.  PICK- 
WICK, with  sharp  suspicion  in  his  eye.  "'Osses?  d'ye  say.  Oh, 
who  are  you  a-gettin'  at  ?  " 

Mr.  PICKWICK  withdrew  promptly  into  his  coat-collar. 

The  irrepressible  SAM  came  immediately  to  the  aid  of  bis  be- 
loved master,  whom  he  would  never  see  snubbed  if  he  knew  it. 

"  There 's  vheels  vithin  vheels,  as  the  bicyclist  said  vhen  he 
vos  pitched  head  foremost  into  the  vatchmaker's  vinder,"  re- 


marked Mr.  WELLER,  Junior,  with  the  air  of  a  Solomon  in 
smalls.  "  But  vot  sort  of  a  yheel  do  you  call  that  thing  in  front 
of  you,  and  vot's  its  pertikler  objeck?  a-top  of  a  coach  in- 
stead o'  under  it  ?  " 

"  This  yer  wheel  means  Revolution,"  said  the  driver. 

"  It  do,  SAMIVEL,  it  do,"  interjected  his  father,  dolorously. 
"And  in  my  opinion  it's  a  worse  Revolution  than  that  there 
French  one  itself.  A  coach  vithout  'osses,  vheels  instead  of 
vheelers,  and  a  driver  vithout  a  vhip  1  Oh  SAMMY,  SAMMT,  to 
think  it  should  come  to  this ! ! ! " 

The  driver — if  it  be  not  desecration  to  a  noble  old  name  so 
to  designate  him — gave  a  turn  to  his  wheel  and  the  autocar 
started.  Mr.  WINKLE,  who  sat  at  the  extreme  edge,  waggled 
his  shadowy  legs  forlornly  in  the  air ;  Mr.  SNODGRASS,  who  sat 
next  to  him,  snorted  lugubriously,  Mr.  TUPMAN  turned  paler 
than  even  a  Stygian  shade  has  a  right  to  do.  Mr.  PICKWICK 
took  off  his  glasses  and  wiped  them  furtively. 

"SAM,"  he  whispered  hysterically  in  the  ear  of  his  faithful 
servitor,  "SAM,  this  is  dreadful!  A — ahem! — vehicle  with  no 
visible  means  of  propulsion  pounding  along  like — eh — Saint 
Denis  without  his  head,  is  more  uncanny  than  Charon's  boat." 

"  Let 's  get  down,  SAMMY,  let 's  get  down  at  once,"  groaned 
Mr.  WELLER  the  elder.  "I  can't  stand  it,  SAMIVEL,  I  really 
can't.  Think  o'  the  poor  'osses,  SAMMY,  think  o'  the  poor  'osses 
as  ain't  there,  and  vot  they  must  feel  to  find  theirselves  sooper- 
seeded  by  a  hugly  vheel  and  a  pennorth  o'  peteroleum,  &c. ! " 

"Hold  on,  old  Nobs!"  cried  the  son,  with  frank  filial  sym- 
pathy. "Think  of  the  guv'nor,  father,  and  vait  for  the  first 
stoppage.  Never  again  vith  the  Muggleton  Motor!  Vhy,  it 
vorse  than  a  hortomatic  vheelbarrow,  ain't  it,  Mr.  PICKWICK?' 

"Ah,  SAMMY,"  assented  Mr.  WELLER,  Senior,  hugging  his 
whip,  affectionately.  "Vorse  even  than  vidders,  SAMMY,  the 
red-nosed  shepherd,  or  the  Mulberry  One  hisself !  " 


w  w 


o    o 

«i 
B* 


OD 

s  § 


fel 


w 
tej 

fe 


NOVEMBER  21,  1896.]  PUNCH,     OR     THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI. 


249 


DEEP-GOING  DEFIED.     THE  PATENT  PNEUMATIC  MUD-SKIMMERS. 


SLIGHTLY  HORSEY. 

(A  Chat  concerning  Steedlcss  Carriages.) 

WHEN  I  recognised  that  the  establishment  of  locomotors  (says 
one  of  our  representatives)  had  become  an  accomplished  fact,  I 
considered  it  advisable  to  interview  an  omnibus  horse  of  my 
acquaintance  to  learn  his  views  on  the  subject.  I  found  the 
object  of  my  search  quietly  munching  his  supper  in  a  stable.  He 
received  me  with  more  apathy  than  enthusiasm. 

"I  suppose,  Mr.  GEEGEE,"  I  began,  "that  you  do  not  object 
to  the  use  of  these  new  carriages  on  principle  ?  " 

"  Well,"  he  replied,  after  a  slight  pause,  which  enabled  him  to 
consume  a  mouthful  of  corn,  "I  don't  suppose  I  do.  Of  course, 
if  we  get  more  rest  we  shall  not  complain." 

"  But  how  about  the  shareholders  ?  " 

"I  have  nothing  to  do  with  them.  My  duty  is  to  make  so 
many  journeys  a  day,  for  which  services  I  receive  food  and 
lodging." 

"  But  if  you  were  driven  off  the  road,  will  not  that  proceeding 
cost  you  some  annoyance  ?  " 

"  Why,  yes,"  returned  Mr.  GEEGEE,  with  a  horse  laugh ;  "  it 
is  certainly  not  pleasant  to  be  disturbed  without  compensation. 
But  if  we  are  not  wanted  in  London  we  shall  find  plenty  of 
occupation  at  Margate  and  other  watering-places.  I  do  not 
believe  that  the  new  method  will  interfere  to  any  serious  extent 
with  the  bathing-machines." 

"  Quite  so ;  but  then  you  have  mentioned  a  trade  which  is 
confined  to  the  summer  months.  What  will  you  do  in  the 
winter  ?  " 

"  I  have  considered  that  question  carefully,  and,  taking  into 
account  the  love  of  Englishmen  for  horsemanship,  believe  that 
there  will  always  be  room  for  us  in  the  circus." 

"  But  does  not  the  arena  require  special  training  ?  " 

"  To  some  extent,"  was  the  cautious  response  ;  "  but  I  am 
sufficiently  conceited  to  believe  that,  with  a  very  little  practice, 
I  could  conquer  my  natural  repugnance  to  wine  to  force  myself 
to  take  a  glass  of  sherry  with  the  clown." 

"  Then,  on  the  whole,  you  are  not  despondent  of  your  future  ?  " 

"No,   I  am  not,    for  even  if  the  bathing-machine   and   the 


amphitheatre  fail  us,  we  can  enlist  in  the  Army,  and  even  (should 
the  Navy  be  further  augmented)  in  the  Horse  Marines." 

"  I  see.  And  now  what  are  your  personal  views  on  the  motor- 
cars ?  Do  you  like  them  ?  " 

Mr.  GEEGEE  became  rather  restive,  and  when  he  spoke  again 
it  was  to  express  a  decided  negative. 

"  Pardon  me  for  my  curiosity,"  I  said,  as  I  was  about  to  take 
my  leave,  "  but  should  you  meet  one  of  the  new  carriages  in  the 
streets  what  would  you  do  ?  " 

"  If  I  were  near  a  church  I  should  attempt  to  enter  it,"  was 
the  immediate  answer. 

"  And  were  the  doors  of  the  church  closed,  what  would  be  your 
next  move  ?  " 

"  Under  such  circumstances  I  should  undoubtedly  do  my  best 
to  climb  the  steeple." 


A  EEAL  BAGMAN. 

(Pleasant  for  M.  F.  H.,  who  is  belated  and  quartered  pro  tern,  in  the 
Commercial  Room  of  the  "  Green  Gooseberry,"  Shoddyford.) 

Little  Smiffkins   (a  Knight  of   the  Road).  '!GGINS    and    me 
always  'ad  a  liking  for  'unting,  and  one  fine  day  last  December, 
in  'Ertfordshire,  not  far  from  St.  Halbans,  has  we  was  tootling 
halong  the  'igkway,  when  'oo  should  sneak  through  the  'edge  by 
the  roadside  but  bold  Rainard,  has  pumped  hout  has  a  Heast- 
End  reservore.     I  'ops  horf  then  and  there,  and  'its  'im  hover 
the  'ead  with  a  sample-box,   thereby  laying  'im   has  dead  has 
Haustralian  mutton.     '!GGINS  'e  cries  "  'alves,"  so  I  houts  with 
my  knife  and  cuts  hoff  'is  tail.     That  TGGINS  'ad,  but  the  car- 
case is  stuffed  in  my  'all  at  'ome,  and  we  calls  hit  the  Manx  Fox ! 
[Roars  of  laughter,  during  which  disgusted  M.  F.  H.  beats  an  un- 
dignified retreat,  mentally  wishing  for  once  that  he  could  run  a 
"bagman." 

A   MATTER  FOR   THE   HOME   SECRETARY. 

THE  Earl  of  DERBY  has  lately  opened  a  "  Gamble  Institute  " 
at  St.  Helen's,  Lancashire.  As  this  is  the  chief  centre  of  the 
glass  trade,  the  object  of  the  Institute  is  transparent. 


250 


PUNCH,     OR     THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI.  [NOVEMBER  21,  1896. 


O 

o 

O 


o 
o 
o 


c: 


NOVEMBER  21,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


251 


THE  SOOTHSAYER'S  YADE  MEGUM. 

Question.  Are  prophetic  almanacks 
popular  with  the  public? 

Answer.  So  it  would  appear  from  their 
prevalence. 

Q.  And  has  not  this  success  been  secured 
by  the  veracity  of  the  predictions. 

A.  That  is  the  contention  of  their  pro- 
prietors. 

Q.  What  is  the  chief  aim  of  a  publishing 
soothsayer  ? 

A.  To  narrow  a  prophecy  as  much  as 
possible,  while  extending  its  limits  to  the 
utmost. 

Q.  Explain  your  meaning  by  an  ex- 
ample. 

A.  Say  that  you  narrow  your  prophecy 
to  the  bare  statement  that  in  "  January  a 
Royal  House  will  be  afflicted,"  you  can  de- 
clare it  applicable  to  the  death  of  the 
mighty  sovereign  of  a  great  power,  or  a 
ninth-rate  princelet  unearthed  from  an  ob- 
scure page  in  the  Almanack  de  Gotha. 

Q.  And  would  not  a  Royal  House  be 
afflicted  by  anything  less  than  a  death  of 
one  of  its  members  ? 

A.  Certainly,  the  loss  of  a  favourite  cat 
or  cherished  walking-stick  would  be  equally 
applicable. 

Q.  Supposing  that  you  foretell  that  a 
State  will  lose  a  valued  public  servant,  how 
will  the  prophecy  be  satisfied  ? 

A.  By  the  death  of  almost  anyone.  A 
great  statesman  who  had  made  history  in 
Europe  for  half  a  century  or  a  lamplighter 
to  a  South  American  Republic  who  had 
been  appointed  a  fortnight  since  to  his 
office  would  each  do  equally  well. 

Q.  How  would  you  discover  that  "a 
terrible  calamity  gravely  injurious  to  the 
human  race  "  had  come  off  ? 

A.  By  noticing  that  some  such  occur- 
rence as  the  earthquake  of  Lisbon,  or  an 
accident  to  an  excursion  train  in  Canada, 
attended  by  the  decease  of  a  baby  in  arms, 
had  taken  place. 

Q.  Then  you  believe  that,  whatever 
might  happen,  you  would  so  hedge  round 
your  predictions  that  you  would  be  ulti- 
mately able  to  surmount  your  difficulties  ? 

A.  Certainly;  for  a  soothsayer  who 
knows  his  business  will  always  leave  him- 
self a  loophole  for  escape,  and  prove  for 
the  thousandth  time  that  prophecy  rightly 
handled  naturally  and  appropriately  leads 
to  profit. 

OUE  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

The  Han  of  the  Gubbe  (BLACKWOOD)  is 
probably  a  first  essay  in  novel  writing.  If 
so,  Mr.  CEDRIO  WALDO  is  to  be  congratu- 
lated upon  having  made  a  distinct  mark. 
There  are  those  who  say,  in  their  haste, 
that  all  the  stories  have  been  written,  all 
the  plots  appropriated.  Mr.  WALDO  tri- 
umphantly demonstrates  the  unsoundness 
of  this  assertion.  He  has  invented  for  his 
hero  a  father-in-law  round  whom  broods  a 
dark  mystery.  That  is  not  uncommon  in 
fiction.  Where  Mr.  WALDO  scores  is  in 
the  peculiar  nature  of  the  secret  which 
Mr.  Janson  ineffectually  attempts  to  hide. 
He  is  web-footed.  My  Baronite  is  not 
dealing  disloyally  with  the  author  in 
prematurely  disclosing  this  secret.  On 
the  threshold  of  the  story  Mr.  Janson 
puts  his  foot  in  it — or  rather  a  pair  of 
feet.  The  potential  son-in-law,  though 
perturbed,  was  not  to  be  denied.  He 
married  the  daughter,  and  they  all  lived 
happy  afterwards.  Why  the  father-in- 
law  should  have  had  not  only  web-feet  but 


I 


Sexton  (to  a  Divine,  who  was  spending  his  holidays  in  the  country,  and  who,  on  the  sudden  ill- 
ness of  the  Village  Parson,  volunteered  to  take  the  duties}.   "A  WORSE  PREACHER  WOULD  HAVE 

DONE  FOR  US,    SlR,    BUT   WE  COULDN'T  GET  OJfS !  " 


"  hands  like  fins,"  is  the  secret  of  the 
book,  and  the  reader  must  delve  for  it  him- 
self. 

Mr.  LATET,  hitting  folly  as  it  flies  on 
wheels,  has  given  us  a  sparkling  Christmas 
Number  of  The  Penny  Illustrated  London 
News,  which  he  who  runs  a  "  bike  "  may 
read  and  enjoy.  The  Shakspearian  quota- 
tions adapted  to  biking  incidents  are 
happy,  and  happily  illustrated.  SHAK- 
SPEARE  was  "  not  for  an  age  "  but  for  "  cy- 
cles "  evidently.  But  what  connection 
there  is  between  the  subject  of  the  last 
picture — a  boatman  bidding  farewell  to  a 
young  woman,  his  wife  (presumably)  and 
child  or  to  somebody  else's  wife  and  child 
— and  bicycling,  except  that  "there  is  a 
'  B '  in  both,"  it  is  difficult  to  see. 

THE  BARON. 


OF  COURSE. — Mr.  WELLDON,  Head  Mas- 
ter of  Harrow,  objects  to  the  Sublime 
Porte.  Naturally  a  Well-don  goes  in  for 
cold  water. 


At  the  Dairy  Show. 

WHO  readeth  what  these  sickening  pam- 
phlets say, 
Must  have  a  stomach  strong  and  palate 

plucky. 
They   seem   to   prove  our  modern  Milky 

Way, 

Like  country  lanes  on  a  wet  winter  day, 
Is  very  watery  and  monstrous  mucky. 


Consternation  in  Printing  House 

Square. 

Mr.  Walter.   Help!     Salts!    Anything! 
Mr.    Buckle    (rushing    to   help).   Why, 
what 's  the  matter  ? 

Mr.  Walter  (faintly).  LABOTTCHERE  has 
talked  of  the  Times  as  a  "  penny  daily  " ! 
[Vide  "Truth,"  November  12. 


8HAKSPEARE  ADAPTED. 

THAT  in  a  Castle 's  "  kleptomania  " 
Which  in  a  Cottage  is  rank  larceny. 


252 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  21,  1896. 


DARBY  JONES  IN  THE  MIDLANDS  AND 
NORTH. 

HONOURED  SIR, — The  signs  of  the  de- 
eadence  of  flat  racing,  not  flat  catching,  for 
the  winter  greet  the  astute  punter  (I  do 
not  refer,  however,  to  the  conductor  of  a 
flat-bottomed  hoat)  on  evory  side.  The 
trainers  now  talk  like  so  many  Charons  of 
the  possibility  of  getting  some  of  their 
sorriest  crocks  "over  the  sticks."  Well, 
indeed,  is  this  called  the  "  illegitimate  sea- 
son," for  who  would  father  such  a  miserable 
meeting  (I  refer  to  the  stakes,  not  the 
fields')  as  that  iust  perpetrated  in  cold  blood 
at  Birmingham  ?  Prizes  of  £72,  £38,  £46, 
£45,  and  £33  were  the  noble  recompenses 
offered  for  the  most  part  by  the  promoters 
of  the  gathering !  I  agree  with  that  Emi- 
nent Peer  of  the  Realm,  Ex-viceroy,  Coal- 
owner,  and  Chairman  of  the  London  School 
Board,  the  Marquis  of  LONDONDERRY,  that 
if  racing  is  to  ba  maintained  as  the  leading 
sport  of  Englishmen  (under  this  designa- 
tion I  include  Scots.  Irish,  Welsh,  Manx- 
men, and  Channel  Islanders),  handsome  re- 
wards should  be  offered  for  competition, 
not  miserable  purses  with  which  a  leading 
pickpocket  would  be  disappointed  after  an 
afternoon's  ramble  down  Regent  Street. 
On  the  last  day  at  Birmingham  forty-six 
quadrupeds  contended  for  a  gross  sum  of 
£383,  or  rather  over  eight  golden  sove- 
reigns apiece !  And  to  carry  off  such 
Brebdingnagian  Stakes  railway  fares, 
jookevs,  entries  and  keep  had  to  be  sup- 
plied bv  the  adventurous  owners !  Withal 
the  fields  were  large.  I  have  read,  Sir,  of 
the  exnloits  of  Elizabethan  mariners, 
hepded  bv  Sir  WALTER  RALEIGH  of  tobacco 
and  potato  fame,  who  went  forth  to  dis- 
cover the  Golden  City  of  Manoa,  but  I  'II 
wager  my  bull's-hide  Gladstone  bnor  to  ar> 
American-leather  grip-sack  that  Sir  WAL- 
TER and  his  comrades  would  never  have 
ventured  the  risk  entailed  by  these  paltry 
gatherings  on  fprra  firma. 

Bromford  Bridee  is  not.  I  allow,  thp 
centre  of  the  civilised  world,  as,  indeed 
the  quagmire  by  which  it  is  approached 
duly  testifies,  but  when  B.  B.  is  taken  by 
the  ignorant  Southerner  to  mean  Big  Bir- 
mingham, even  a  few  samples  of  electro- 
plate would  strengthen  the  value  of  the 
lionnrariuws.  But  I  suppose  that  one  of 
these  days  we  shall  come  to  the  Golden  Age 
of  the  Anti-Gambling  League — no  stakes. 
no  betting,  and  free  and  open  courses,  all 
dene  for  the  love  of  the  sport.  Then  such 
capitalists  ns  the  Duke  of  WESTMINSTER,  the 
Duke  of  PORTLAND,  Sir  JOHN  BLTINDELI, 
MAPLE,  the  Earl  of  CREWE,  the  Earl  of 
ROBBERY,  and  Mr.  BARNEY  BARNATO,  will 
be  imploring  the  LORD  MAYOR  to  start  a 
Mansion  House  Fund  for  the  benefit  of 
Indigent  Jockeys  ruined  by  the  prevalence 
of  Motor-cars. 

But  still,  Sir,  there  are,  as  even  the  des- 
titute Pelican  or  the  much-abused  Scape- 
goat will  allow,  Oases  in  the  Wilderness. 
I  trust  that  I  am  correct  in  my  Latin 
grammar.  Among  these  Sanctuaries  of 
Sport  let  me  reckon  Liverpool.  The  Liver 
is,  I  believe,  a  fabulous  bird  ranking  with 
the  Phoenix,  the  Roc,  and  the  Whistle- 
Wostle.  Ho  exists  no  longer,  having,  so  the 
legend  runs,  been  totally  destroyed  by  long- 
continued  fusillades  of  blue  pill.  But  still 
the  memory  of  this  weird  fowl  is  honoured. 
She  must,  I  imagine,  have  been  the  fore- 
mother  of  the  coy  and  diffident  Oof-bird  of 
modern  times,  so  eagerly  pursued  by  every- 
one, from  the  gentle  Chancellor  of  the 
Exchequer  down  to  the  exasperating  or- 


gan-grinder. In  any  case,  her  deserted 
nest  has  produced  and  is  producing  many 
broods  of  well-plumed  livers  up-to-date, 
who  do  not  hesitate  to  plunge  fearlessly 
into  the  Stream  of  Life.  When  a  Liver- 
pudlian— shudder  not,  honoured  Sir,  the 
epithet  is  theirs,  not  mine — resolves  on  do- 
ing a  thing,  he  does  it  well,  inspired,  no 
doubt,  to  obtain  as  much  enjoyment  as 
riches  can  command  by  the  ever-horrible 
sight  of  the  slimy  and  distressing  Mersey, 
in  estuary  which  yields  not  to  the  mouth 
of  the  Garonne  in  the  bitter  melancholy  of 
its  surroundings.  The  unhappy  voyagers 
from  the  land  of  the  Stars  and  Stripes, 
who  first  see  Liverpool,  must  indeed  ima- 
gine that  they  have  come  to  a  country 
from  which  ifee  Pilgrim  Fathers  did  well 
to  fly. 

But,  as  a  town,  Liverpool,  like  an  oyster 
with    an    unprepossessing    shell,    conceals 


nost  succulent  relief.  At  the  Adelphi 
Hotel  you  may,  as  I  suggested  last  week, 
make  merry  with  the  Turtle  that  sings  to 
vou  in  the  rhythm  of  "  clear  "  or  "  thick." 
Vt  the  theatres  you  are  entranced  by  the 
London-like  appearance  of  the  stage  ;  at  the 
music  halls  you  can  delight  the  eye  and  ear 
while  solacing  the  gullet  with  its  necessary 
quantum  of  refreshment.  And  on  classic 
Aintree  you  have  a  race-course  second  to 
none  within  the  humble  ken  of  your  obe- 
dient servant.  It  has  had  many  patrons. 
but  none  more  consistent  than  the  Lord  of 
KNOWSLEY,  the  present  Earl  of  DBRBY 
(would  that  I  could  add,  "and  JONES"),  a 
sportsman,  who  had  so  great  a  love  for  a 
horse  that  he  himself  became  a  mayor. 
For  four  days  in  the  most  distressful 
month  of  the  year  the  Liverpudlians 
(again  forgive  the  expression)  kept,  as  they 
used  to  say  at  the  Gaiety  Theatre,  when  it 
was  a  theatre,  "the  ball  a-rolling."  1 
would  like  to  be  rolling  that  ball  now,  for 
did  not  Sardis,  in  the  great  Lancashire 
Handicap,  richly  compensate  me  for  pre- 
vious disappointments?  Shall  I  tell  you 
why — in  the  strictest  confidence  ?  Because 
before  going  to  the  course  a  Lovely  Lady 
told  me  that  Mr.  VYNER'S  colt  was  sure  to 
win,  inasmuch  as  she  had  lunched  on  sar- 
dines a  la  Soyer  and  champagne.  There 
was  a  tip !  I  chalked  it  up,  and  conse- 
quently returned  to  mine  hostelry  possess- 
ing a  pouch  replete  with  those  documents 
which  the  Grand  Old  Lady  of  Threadneedle 
Street  has  never  been  known  to  dishonour 
within  the  recollection  of 

Your  satisfied  serf, 

DARBY  JONES. 

P.S. — I  trust  that  you,  honoured  Sir, 
and  my  clients  in  general  did  not  fail  to 
profit  by  the  victory  of  M.  LEBATTDY'S  titled 
representative  in  the  Liverpool  Cup.  If 
you  remember,  my  prophecy  in  the  burning 


words  of  poesy  foretold  "  The  Count  may 
come  again,"  and  I  also  held  out  warning 
with  regard  to  the  "  Irish  pair,"  referring, 
of  course,  to  St.  Jarlath  and  his  queerly- 
named  compatriot.  I  vehemently  warned 
off  every  one  from  touching  such  an  in- 
flated animal  as  Birchrod,  though  she  fin- 
ished first  favourite  with  my  colleague 
"  Mr.  Hotspur,"  and  the  public  in  general. 
I  do  not  conceal  from  you  that  I  fully  ex- 
pected Stowmarket  to  recoup  Mr.  B.  BAR- 
NATO  for  the  expense  to  which  he  has  been 
put  with  regard  to  OOM  PAUL'S  lions,  but 
I  cannot  rebuke  Fortune  on  this  occasion, 
my  motto  always  being  that  of  a  Parlia- 
mentary carpet-bagger,  "  Win  and  a 
place." 

[DARBY  JONES  seems  to  be,  as  usual  when  he 
has  succeeded  in  what  he  calls  "  capturing  the 
cake,"  enjoying  himself.  "We  cannot  and  will  not 
be  bail  for  him  at  Liverpool  or  elsewhere.  Who  is 
the  "  Lovely  Lady  "  ?— ED.] 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

A  Gunner  waiting  for  early  wild-fowl  rests  on  a 

Bathing-machine  in  a  well-remembered  spot. 
I  REST  beside  the  moonlit  sea, 

Its  plash  the  only  sound! 
The  sands  long  maindecks  seem  to  bq 

That  have  no  bulwarks  round  ; 
The  coastguard's  signal  on  the  hill 

Stands  black  against  the  sky, 
The  air  is  very  raw  and  chill ; 

I  think  of  you,  and  why? 
Last  August,  in  this  very  cove, 

Your  presence  graced  the  scene  ; 
Here  in  these  waves  to  swim  you  strove, 

And  this  was  your  machine ! 
[  know  the  number  twenty-three. 

Hence  in  the  water  blue 
You  leapt,  a  mermaid  fair  and  free — 

I  never  looked  at  you ! 
But  now  I  seem  to  hear  you  trip 

Upon  this  tar-stained  board, 
And  fancy  I  can  see  you  dip 

While  "  bobbing  "  with  the  cord. 
Your  red-gold  locks  in  oilskin  cap, 

Your  garb  of  crimson  hue — 
[  always  was  a  modest  chap, 

And  never  looked  at  you ! 
'Tis  like  a  dream !     For  then  I  thought 

You  swam  with  grace  and  ease, 
lust  like  the  bathing  wench,  who  taught 

Her  skill  for  well-earned  fees. 
But  now  I  know  you  always  put 

Your  plump  white  arms  in  view, 
But  on  the  shingle  kept  a  foot. 

I  never  looked  at  you ! 
Like  Aphrodite  shaking  pearls 

You  rose  from  out  the  main, 
And  coyly  hid  some  errant  curls, 

And  then  you  "  bobbed  "  again ! 
Then  with  a  laugh  and  sinuous  leap 

Yoji  bade  the  waves  adieu. 
I  dream,  and  yet  I  'm  not  asleep — 

I  never  looked  at  you ! 
In  toilette  trim  with  floating  locks, 

No  cap  their  wealth  restrained, 
You  joined   me   by   those   sullen   rocks — 

And  welcome  haven  gained. 
You  prattled  of  the  joys  of  Love, 

The  Beautiful,  the  True, 
And  from  your  side  I  could  not  move — 

For  then  I  looked  at  you ! 
'Twas  just  three  months  ago  and  yet 

Your  troth  was  like  this  sand 
On  which  is  written  large  "  Forget ! 

Mistake  me  not  for  land !  " 
Now  do  I  not — the  past  is  done, 

Though  day  must  follow  night — 
A  whirr  o'erhead !     Here !  quick !  my  gun ! 

The  ducks  are  on  the  flight ! 


NOVFMDER  28,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


253 


OVERHEARD    NEAR    BERGEN. 

Norwegian  Host  (whose  English  is  not  perfect — to  British  Tourist}. 
"WHAT  THAT  I  TELL  YOU,   SARR,   IT    is   QUITE    TRUE.      NANSEN 

KILLED  HIS  LAST  DOG  TO  SAVE  THE  OTHERS!" 


LETTERS  OF  MABJORIE  AND  GLADYS. 

I. — THE  DECLINE  OF  FLIRTATION. 

MY  DEAR  GLADYS, — I  had  not  heard  from  you  for  so  long — not, 
indeed,  since  the  sad  termination  of  your  last  engagement — 
that  1  was  quite  struck  by  the  casual,  inconsequent  tone  of  your 
letter,  and  still  more  by  the  calm  flippancy  with  which  you  ex- 
press the  surprising  opinion  that  "flirtation  is  gradually 
dying  out." 

I  know  there  is  much  to  be  said  for  this  view,  and  without 
going  as  far  as  a  young  friend  of  mine,  who  recently  declared 
the  only  lady-killer  of  modern  times  was  the  unpopular  character 
known  to  contemporary  history  as  "  Jack  the  Ripper,"  I  admit 
I  do  perceive  a  slight  falling-off  in  the  number  of  those  young 
men  who  were  formerly  classed  as  "  mashers  " ;  a  decline  in  the 
quality  and  quantity  of  the  tame  cat.  The  Don  Juan  is  rather 
shy  than  wild,  and  the  jeune  premier  in  general  is  extremely 
rare  (and  dreadfully  spoilt  in  consequence).  It  is  quite  un- 
usual, nowadays,  to  find  a  young  man  who  lives  for  ladies'  favour. 
Where  is  the  rush  at  dances  to  secure  the  envied  hand  of  the 
bslle  of  the  ball  ?  Is  there  such  a  thing,  now,  as  the  belle  of 
a  ball?  I  think  not.  In  France,  they  attribute  this  decline 
to  the  increasing  charms  of  the  bicycle.  But  what  do  the  French 
know  about  flirtation?  Flirtation  is  an  essentially  English 
product  (in  America,  it  is  too  frequently  liable  to  degenerate 
into  mere  friendship)  ;  and,  though  the  French  imitate  us  now, 
there  seems  to  me  always  something  a  little  depressing,  even  a 
little  sinister,  in  a  Parisian's  mode  of  carrying  on  what  he  calls 
"  un  flirt  "  with  an  English  girl.  I  doubt  if  an  English  girl  ever 
quite  realises  his  point  of  view. 

But  to  speak  of  it  as  a  quaint  old  custom,  surviving  merely 
on  Margate  Pier  and  in  the  Kensington  Town  Hall,  is  to  ex- 


aggerate dreadfully.  Especially  it  is  not  for  you  to  make  such 
an  assertion,  you,  who  spend  your  spare  time  in  collecting  all 
the  most  frivolous  living  exponents  of  the  art.  You  forget  that 
I  watched,  through  the  opera-glasses  of  friendly  interest,  your 
somewhat  breathless  gallop  through  your  last  season.  You  left 
me  gasping  at  the  immense  strides  you  have  made  since  you 
came  out,  at  your  caprices,  your  fickleness.  There  was  a  time 
when  you  liked  one  young  man  better  than  the  others  for  a 
month,  or  even  more  ;  now,  one  musical  afternoon  is  the  average 
duration,  and  a  couple  of  dinner-parties  the  limit.  And  then, 
your  reasons  for  your  preferences.  They  are  as  futile  as  your 
excuses  for  giving  them  up.  You  liked  DB  VERNEY  "  because 
you  heard  he  took  cocaine,"  and  threw  him  over  because  he  was 
"too  thin  and  too  fond  of  jewellery."  You  became  inseparable 
friends  with  young  MONTFORD  for  nearly  a  whole  evening,  be- 
cause you  had  been  told  "lie  had  naturally  curly  hair  that  was 
artificially  straightened  out."  When  you  found  out  that  the  iron 
had  never  entered  into  his  hair  you  dropped  him  at  once,  on  the 
trivial  pretext  that  he  sent  you  some  roses,  and  that  you  are 
"tired  of  roses."  Tired  of  roses!  at  twenty!  Sometimes  the 
reason  for  your  sympathy  is  the  same  one  as  the  reason  for  your 
coldness.  You  took  a  fancy  to  CARINGTON  "because  he  wore  a 
black  ribbon  watch-chain,"  and  you  gave  up  CARINQTON  "  be- 
cause he  wore  a  black  ribbon  watch-chain."  Indeed,  ever  since 
your  engagement  with  that  serious  young  man,  ORIEL,  who 
left  England  und  ^r  a  cloud,  for  which  his  father  had  to  provide 
the  silver  lining,  I  observe  that  your  admirers  become  more  and 
more  of  a  trivial  type.  Two  points  in  common  are  to  be  found 
in  them  all,  whatever  their  variety — either  they  are  called 
REGGIE,  or  they  fire  Secretaries.  In  extreme  cases,  they^  are 
both.  They  all  do  nothing,  and  think  they  know  everything ; 
they  are  constantly  being  photographed,  frequently  in  some 
sentimental  difficulty,  and  complain  a  good  deal  to  one  another 
of  the  "  wearingness  "  of  being  faithful  to  five  people  at  once. 
Marriage  never  even  occurs  to  them,  and  since,  I  suppose,  you 
have  not  given  up  the  idea — not  thinking  a  Humber  a  sufficient 
substitute  for  a  husband — I  should  strongly  advise  you  to  turn 
your  thoughts,  soon,  in  a  different  direction.  But  when  you 
write  again,  please  don't  complain  of  the  decline  of  flirtation; 
the  lament,  from  you,  has  so  hollow  a  sound.  Rather,  give  me 
instead  some  instances  of  the  new  methods,  your  own  and  your 
friends'.  I  have  not  kept  up  with  the  movement  of  late,  and  J[ 
have  been  told  that  you  have  reached  a  high  level  of  artistic 
merit.  But  do  be  more  serious ! 

Your  affectionate  friend,  MARJORIB. 


CANINE  SAGACITY. 

NOBLE  CONDUCT  OF  A  PUPPY  ! 

DEAR  SIB, — My  little  son  (AUGUSTUS,  aged  four-and-a-half) 
was  left  in  a  room  by  himself,  about  three  days  ago.  He  found 
two  or  three  stray  lucifer  matches,  and  proceeded  to  strike  them 
for  his  own  amusement.  I  happened  to  reach  one  of  the  door- 
ways leading  into  the  apartment  just  as  he  had  succeeded  in 
burning  his  first  match.  Imagine  my  dismay — and  thankfulness ! 
Before,  however,  I  could  say  a  word,  or  step  forward,  another 
actor  appeared  upon  the  scene — a  young  St.  Bernard  (named 
Squelch)  which  had  not  hitherto  shown  marked  intelligence. 
He  saw  the  danger,  and  decided  upon  action  as  promptly  as  any 
human  being  could  have  done  under  the  circumstances.  "With 
a  blow  of  his  paw  he  knocked  the  remaining  matches  from  the 
hands  of  my  little  son.  The  latter  has  a  spirit  of  his  own,  and 
not  understanding  the  wisdom  and  kindliness  which  dictated  the 
dog's  action,  endeavoured  pettishly  to  recover  his  playthings. 
Now  comes  the  supreme  interest  of  the  story !  Seeing  that  he 
was  likely  to  be  foiled  in  his  benevolent  purpose,  the  devoted 
animal  deliberately  chewed  up  and  swallowed  the  remaining 
matches  !  thereby  preventing  all  further  risk  to  the  child  at  con- 
siderable inconvenience  to  himself ! 

I  read  with  much  interest  a  letter  which  appeared  exactly  a 
year  ago  in  your  columns  about  a  dog  who  unselfishly  presented 
his  mistress  with  his  best  bone ;  but  I  think  you  will  agree  with 
me  that  Squelch  has  broken  the  record.  He  has  shown  decided 
signs  of  seediness  for  the  last  day  or  two,  undoubtedly  due  to 
the  harmful  nature  of  the  chemicals  absorbed  into  his  system. 
Yet  the  noble  dog  must  have  been  aware  at  the  time  that  such 
unnatural  diet  was  bound  to  disagree  with  him— yet  he  never 
faltered.  Believe  me,  Sir,  Yours  ever, 

A  THANKFUL  PARENT. 

DESCRIPTIVE  DEFINITION  OF  CAMBRIDGE  IN  THE  SUMMER  TERM. 

— "  Sacks,  et  prceterea  nil." 


VOL.    CXI. 


254 


PUNCH,     OR     THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI.  [NOVEMBER  28,  1896. 


"CREDE    EXPERTO." 

Mr.  Gladstone  (to  Prmcc  Bismarck).  "TAKE  MY  ADVICE,  PRINCE.     Do  AS  I  DO,  AND  STICK  TO  POST-CARDS! 


NOVEMBER  28,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


255 


(LEADEN)    HALL    MARKED. 

Notorious  Covert  Owner.  "THERE  HE  GOES,  MY  LORD!     ISX'T  HE  A  BEAUTY?" 

Noble  Master.  "  H'M — YES.     A  FIXE  Fox.     BUT  WHY  DIDN'T  YOU  TELL  YOUR  KEEPER  TO  PICK  THE  STRAW  OUT  OF  HIS  BRUSH?" 


THE  OLD  ROCKET-CASE. 

[BISMARCK,  who  calls  himself  "  the  old  rocket-case  in  the  Sachsenwald,"  is 
reported  to  have  said  that  old  age,  in  the  countrj',  when  the  physical  powers 
no  longer  permit  the  saddle  and  the  chase,  is  a  depressing  fate,  and  he  is  sorry 
he  had  not  taken  a  house  in  Berlin  and  received  his  friends  daily  in  genial 
converse.] 

The  Teuton  Titan  ruminates : — 

CAPTAIN  MORRIS  was  right !    I  feel  chock-full  of  spleen. 
"  A  cow  on  a  common,  a  goose  on  a  green," 
Mean  boredom  incarnate,  to  one  of  my  mood. 
There  's  rust  in  my  iron,  there 's  ice  in  my  blood  1 

Blood  and  iron  ?     Ach,  Himmel !    I  might  be  a  lath 
Painted  iron — like  CECIL,  and  impotent  wrath 
Stirs  my  blood — into  biliousness.     Who  cares  to  stop 
Effervescence,  when  harmless  as  cheap  ginger-pop  ? 

A  regular  old  rocket-case,  void,  fizzled  out. 
Like  a  woman  grown  old,  or  a  man  with  the  gout. 
Who  says  "  up  like  a  rocket,  and  down  like  its  stick  "  ? 
He  '11  see — if  he  comes  within  reach  of  my  kick  1 

Pyrotechnics !     Ach !  mighty  poor  substitutes,  those, 
For  gunpowder. — in  guns,  or  the  sword's  slashing  blows. 
Ah,  MOLTKE.  old  Silence,  you  're  happiest,  far, 
Not  tempted.,  like  me,  to  mere  tongue-wagger's  war  I 

A  firework  Sedan !     Why  .that  is  but  a  show 
For  JOHN  BULL'S  Crystal  Palace  ;  a  fiz-gig  tableau, 
To  make  boys  blare  and  bellow,  and  old  ladies  gasp. 
Oh,  memory,  "  You  're  dowered  with  a  sting  like  an  asp !  " 

Yet  fireworks,  well  handled,  may  frighten.     At  least, 
Upset  old  women  diplomats,  scared  at  their  feast 
Like  BELSHAZZAR  the  fool.     That  last  cracker  was  fine  1 
A  squib,  for  a  moment,  may  seem  like  a  mine  1 

But  Sachsenwald  solitudes  tempt  one  to — sin. 
"  Oh  1  give  me  the  sweet,  shady  side  of  " — Berlin. 


Mad  MORRIS  again !     Yet  he  was  not  so  mad. 

There  is  Tophet  for  strength  on  the  shelf.     Which  is  sad. 

Old  age  in  the  country,  sans  saddle,  or  chase, 
Is  like — Ithaca's  rest  to  Ulysses — my  case ! 
The  Dr.  WATTS  twaddlers,  no  doubt,  in  far  lands, 
Hint  that  Satan  finds  mischief  for  my  idle  hands. 

The  dolts  !     Could  I  trip  them,  like  ARNIM. — Ah  well  I 
If  Count  HARRY  were  here.,  he  might  hint  that  a  cell 
Was  his  foeman's  desert  full  as  much  as  his  own. 
Ach!    Minnows  make  mouths  at  a  triton  o'erthrown. 

O'erthrown !     As  though  Etna  could  e'er  be  destroyed 
Save  by  its  own  fires !     True,  if  those  were  employed 
In  volcanic  self-wreck ! — Faugh !     My  care  is  so  slight 
For  the  babblers  who  hint  this.  Yet — how  if  they  're  right  ? 

[Left  brooding. 

Our  Christmas  Game  Bag. 

"  WHAT  's  in  a  name  ?  "  Yet  the  gentle  Italian  "  Attracto  " 
hardly  suggests  a  new  and  exciting  method  of  fishing  on  the 
table.  For  explanation,  C.  W.  FAULKNER  &  Co.,  who  publish 
them,  have  added  a  stock  English  translation  of  "catch  'em." 
Another  enticing  amusement  known  as  "  Nurky,"  is  somewhat 
mystifying  to  the  uninitiated ;  it  is  an  easy  method  of  making 
ducks  and  drakes  of  your  money.  So  simple  I 


IN  THE  NORTH  EXPRESS. — Astonishment  of  an  affable  Lincoln- 
shire squire  on  inquiring  "  Do  you  know  what  Grantham  is  cele- 
brated for?"  expecting  the  answer  "Gingerbread,"  to  receive 
the  retort  from  his  fellow-passenger,  a  soured  advocate,  "Yes; 
sitting  on  the  Bar  1  "  

A  DUCAL  LINE. — The  Duchess  of  PORTLAND  has,  in  the  Floors 
Water,  captured  no  less  than  three  salmon.  Henceforth  she 
ought  to  be  known  as  Her  Grace  of  Fishland. 


256 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  28,  1896. 


JOTTINGS    AND    TITTLINGS. 

(BY  BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO  JABBERJEE,  B.A.) 
No.  XXVIII. 

Mankletow  \.  Jabberjee.     Notes  taken  by  Mr.  Jabberjee  in  Court  during 
the  proceedings. 

Queen's  Bench  Court,  No.  .     10.20  A.M. 

THE  eventful  morn  of  my  trial  for  Breach  of  Promise  has  at 
length  arrived,  and  I  am  resolved  to  jot  down  on  the  exterior  of 
my  brief  such  tittles  as  take  place.  I  have  taken  my  seat  in 
Court  on  one  of  the  benches  reserved  for  long-robed  juniors , 
in  my  immediate  rear  being  my  solicitor,  SIDNEY  SMARTLE, 
Esq.,  who  will  officiate  as  my  Remembrancer  and  Friend  in 
Need. 

In  the  Great  Hall  below  I  had  the  pleasure  to  encounter  Miss 
JESSIMINA  and  that  worthy  Madam  her  Mamma,  being  prepared 


"  Fresh  as  a  daisy,  and  fine  as  a' carrot  fresh  scraped." 

to  greet  them  with  effusive  kindness,  and  assure  them  I  was  only 
a  hostile  in  my  professional  capacity.  Whether  they  were  struck 
with  awe  by  the  unaccustomed  majesty  of  my  appearance  in 
brand-new  wig,  bands,  &c.,  in  which  I  am  fresh  as  a  daisy,  and 
Eine  as  a  carrot  fresh  scraped,  or  whether  they  simply  did  not 
recognise  me  in  the  disguisement  of  such  toggeries,  I  am  not  to 
decide — but  they  passed  by  without  responding  visibly  to  my 
salutations. 

10.26. — A  stout,  large  Q.C.,  with  luxuriant  cheek-whiskers 
tias  just  entered  the  row  in  front.  Mister  SMABTLE  whispers 
me  that  this  is  WITHERINGTON,  whom  I  refused  to  engage,  and 
who  is  now  in  opposition. 

I  have  taken  the  undue  liberty  to  pluck  him  by  the  sleeve 
ind  introduce  myself  in  straightforward  English  style  to  his 
lonourable  notice,  acquainting  him  that  his  unfortunate  client 
had  a  very  flimsy  case,  and  was  not  deserving  of  success,  while 
myself  was  a  meritorious  Native  Neophyte,  whose  entire  fortune 
was  impaled  on  a  stake,  and  urging  him  not  to  show  too  windy 
a  temper  to  such  a  shorn  lamb  as  bis  petitioner. 

However,  he  has  declined  rather  peremptorily  to  lend  me  his 


ears,  nor  can  I  induce  his  learned  junior,  who  is  my  next  neigh- 
bour, to  show  me  any  fraternal  kindness.  My  said  solicitor  is 
highly  indignant  at  my  treatment,  and  warns  me  in  an  undertone 
that  I  am  not  to  make  any  further  overtures  to  such  stuck-up 
individuals. 

10.30. — Hon'ble  Mister  Justice  HONEYGALL  enters  in  highly 
dignified  fashion.  He  is  of  a  bland,  benignant,  and  intensely 
clean  aspect,  which  uplifts  my  downfallen  heart,  for  it  is  obvious, 
from  his  benevolent  and  smiling  bow  to  myself  that  he  already 
feels  a  paternal  interest  in  my  achieving  the  conquest  of  my 
spurs. 

The  jury  are  taking  the  oath.  Whether  any  of  my  co-con- 
tributors to  Punch  are  among  them  I  cannot  discover,  since  they 
do  not  vouchsafe  to  encourage  me  by  the  freemasonry  of  even 
a  surreptitious  simper.  But  this  is  perhaps  occasioned  by  over 
prudence. 

The  learned  junior  on  my  right  has  risen,  and  in  shockingly 
bald  and  barren  verbiage  has  stated  the  issues  which  are  to  be 
tried,  and,  being  evidently  no  Heaven-born  orator,  sits  abruptly 
down,  completely  gravelled  for  lack  of  a  more  copious  vocabu- 
lary. A  poor  tongue-tied  devil  of  a  chap  whom  I  regard  with 
pity! 

WITHERINGTON,  Q.C.,  is  addressing  the  jury.  He  is  not  a 
tongue-tied,  but  he  speaks  in  a  colloquial,  commonplace  sort  of 
fashion  which  does  not  shed  a  very  brilliant  lustre  upon  boasted 
British  advocacy. 

Though  of  an  unromantic  obesity,  it  appears  from  the  excessive 
eulogies  he  lavishes  upon  JESSIMINA  that  he  is  already  the  tangled 
fly  in  the  web  of  her  feminine  enchantments.  What  a  pity  that 
such  a  prominent  barrister  should  be  so  unskilled  in  seeing 
through  the  female  heart! 

He  is  persisting  in  making  most  incorrect  and  uncomplimentary 
allusions  to  my  underserving  self,  which  it  is  impossible  that  I 
am  to  suffer  without  rising  to  repudiate  with  voluble  indignation ! 
However,  though  he  makes  bitter  complaints  of  my  interrup- 
tions, he  does  me  the  honour  to  refer  to  me  as  his  friend,  for 
which  I  thank  him  with  a  gratified  fervour,  assuring  him  that  I 
reciprocate  his  esteem. 

Hon'ble  Judge  has  just  tendered  me  the  kindly  and  golden 
advice  that,  unless  I  sit  down  and  remain  hermetically  sealed, 
the  case  will  infallibly  continue  for  ever  and  anon,  and  that  I  am 
not  to  advance  my  interests  by  disregarding  the  customary  eti- 
quettes of  the  Bar. 

11.5. — JESSIMINA  is  giving  her  testimony.  Indubitably  she 
has  greatly  improved  in  her  physical  appearance  since  I  was 
a  resident  of  Porticobello  House,  and  her  habiliments  are  as 
fashionably  ladylike  (if  not  more  so)  than  Miss  WEE-WEE'S  own ! 
Alack !  that  she  should  relate  her  story  with  so  many  departures 
from  ordinary  veracity.  Her  pulchritude  and  well-assumed 
timidity  have  captivated  even  the  senile  Judge,  for,  after  I  have 
risen  and  vehemently  contradicted  her  in  various  unimportant 
details,  he  has  actually  barked  at  me  that,  unless  I  wait  until 
it  is  my  turn  to  cross-examine  he  will  take  some  very  severe 
measure  with  me  at  the  rising  of  the  Court  I  A  pretty  specimen 
of  judicial  impartiality ! 

1.30  P.M. — The  Court  has  risen  for  lunch  at  the  conclusion  of  a 
rather  severe  cross-examination  by  myself  of  the  fair  plaintiff, 
and,  not  being  oppressed  by  pangs  of  hunger,  I  have  leisure  to 
record  the  result — which,  owing  to  the  partisanship  of  Hon'ble 
Bench,  the  disgracefully  complicated  state  of  the  laws  of  Evidence, 
and  Miss  JESSIMINA'S  ingenuity  in  returning  entirely  wrong 
answers  to  my  searching  interrogatories,  did  not  attain  to  the 
sanguine  level  of  my  expectations. 

For  instance,  when  I  asked  her  whether  it  was  not  the  fact 
that  I  was  notoriously  deficient  in  physical  courageousness,  she 
made  the  unexpected  reply  that  she  had  not  observed  it,  and  that 
[  had  frequently  described  to  her  my  daring  achievements  in 
sticking  wild  pigs  and  shooting  man-eating  tigers. 

Also  she  entirely  refused  to  admit  that  the  turquoise  and  gold 
nng  I  had  given  her  was  not  in  token  of  our  betrothal,  but 
merely  to  compensate  her  for  not  being  invited  as  well  as  myself 
bo  a  certain  fashionable  dinner-party ;  and  the  Judge  (inter- 
rupting in  the  most  unwarrantable  manner)  said  that,  as  he  did 
not  understand  that  I  seriously  denied  the  existence  of  an  en- 
gagement to  marry,  he  was  unable  to  perceive  the  bearings  of  my 
query. 

Again,  I  reminded  her  of  her  mention  of  the  gift  of  a  china 
model  of  Poet  SHAKSPEARE'S  birthplace,  and  required  her — on 
ber  oath — to  answer  whether  it  had  not  been  originally  intended 
for  another  lady,  and  whether,  having  accidentally  seated  myself 
upon  it,  I  had  not  decided  to  bestow  the  disjecta  membra  upon 
berself  instead. 


NOVEMBER  28,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


257 


To  which  she  replied,  with  artfully  simulated  emotion,  that 
all  she  knew  was  that  I  had  assured  her  at  the  time  that  the  said 
piece  of  china  had  been  expressly  purchased  for  herself  as  a 
souvenir  of  my  ardent  affection,  and  she  had  accepted  it  as  such, 
and  carefully  restored  it  with  some  patent  cement. 

Before  this  the  Judge  had  asked  me  how  I  could  expect  the 
plaintiff  to  know  what  was  passing  in  the  tortuous  recesses  of 
my  own  mind,  and  informed  her  that  she  need  not  answer  such 
a  ridiculous  question  unless  she  pleased.  But  she  did  please, 
and  her  answer  was  received  with  applause,  which,  however,  the 
Bench  perceiving,  though  tardily,  that  I  was  entitled  to  some 
protection,  did  declare  in  angry  tones  that  it  was  on  no  account 
to  be  permitted. 

Next  I  inquired  whether  it  was  not  true  that  she  was  of  a 
flirtatious  disposition,  and  addicted  to  laugh  and  talk  vivaciously 
with  the  gentlemen  boarders,  and  whether  I  had  not  earnestly 
remonstrated  with  her  upon  such  conduct.  Here  WITHERING- 
TON,  Q.C.,  bounded  on  to  his  feet,  and  protested  that  I  was  not 
entitled  to  put  this  question  now,  since  I  had  not  dared  to 
allege  in  my  letters  or  pleadings  that  I  had  breached  my  promise 
owing  to  any  misconduct  of  plaintiff.  But,  instead  of  submitting 
to  such  objection,  JESSIMINA  answered  in  mellifluous  accents  that 
she  had  never  manifested  more  than  ordinary  civility  towards 
any  gentleman-boarder,  but  that  I  had  displayed  passionate 
jealousy  of  them  all  prior  to  my  engagement — though  never 
since,  because  she  had  never  afforded  the  slightest  excuse  for 
remonstrances. 

Whereupon  she  was  again  flooded  with  tears,  which  stirred  my 
heart  with  tender  commiseration ;  for  her  maidenly  distress  did 
only  increase  her  charms  to  infinity.  And  the  Judge,  feeling 
fatherly  sympathy  for  myself,  observed  very  kindly  that  I  had 
got  my  answer,  which  he  hoped  might  do  me  much  good.  For 
which  good  wish  I  thanked  him  gratefully ;  and  the  Court  was 
again  dissolved  in  senseless  cachinnations ! 

Next  I  cross-questioned  her  as  to  her  refusal  of  my  offer  to 
marry  on  the  ground  that  I  was  already  the  husband  of  one 
infant  wife,  and  whether  it  was  not  the  fact.  She  responded 
that  I  had  referred  her  to  Mr.  CHTJCKERBUTTY  RAM  for  corrobora- 
tion  of  my  story,  and  that  he  had  informed  her  that  my  said 
wife  was  a  deceased. 

Here  I  cleverly  took  the  legal  objection  that  what  Mr.  RAM 
said  was  not  evidence,  and  warned  her  to  be  careful,  while  the 
Hon'ble  Judge  partly  upheld  my  contention,  remarking  that  it 
was  evidence  that  a  conversation  was  held,  but  not  of  the  truth 
of  the  facts  stated  in  such  conversation,  thereby  showing  clearly 
that  he  did  not  credit  her  story. 

Upon  the  whole,  I  am  confident  that  I  have  at  least  silenced 
the  guns  of  WITHERINGTON,  Q.C.,  for  upon  the  conclusion  of  my 
cross-examination,  he  admitted  that  he  had  no  further  questions 
to  ask  the  plaintiff  ! 

My  solicitor  says  I  shall  have  to  buck  myself  up  if  I  am  to  re- 
duce the  damages  to  any  reasonable  amount,  and  that  he  had 
been  desirous  from  the  first  to  brief  WITHERINGTON.  But  this  is 
to  croak  like  a  raven,  for  the  cross-examining  is,  after  all,  of  very 
minor  importance  compared  to  the  Gift  of  the  Gab — in  which  I 
am  notoriously  nulli  secundus. 

2.15  p.M.^The  Court  has  returned.  WITHERINGTON'S  Junior 
has  called  JESSIMINA'S  mother,  whom  I  shall  presently  have  the 
bounden  but  rather  painful  duty  to  cross-examine  sharply. 

Already  I  experience  serious  sinkings  in  stomach  department. 
Sursum  cor  da !  I  must  buck  it  up. 

A  BISHOP'S   IDEAS  ON  LADIES'   IDEALS. 

THE  Bishop  of  HEREFORD,  in  distributing  the  prizes  at  the 
Redland  Girls'  High  School  at  Bristol,  as  reported  in  the  Daily 
Telegraph,  said :  — 

"There  was  one  ideal  against  •which  he  ventured  to  warn  young  women 
especially  of  the  upper  and  middle  classes,  viz.,  the  ideal  of  aping  men's 
fashions  and  manners.  He  sometimes  saw  very  smart  young;  ladies  in  waist- 
coats and  so  on,  which  suggested  imitation  of  men,  and  he  always  felt  it  was  a 
mistake." ' 

Miss  MIDDLECRUST  is  of  opinion  that  this  attack  comes  with  a 
very  bad  grace  from  a  smart,  middle-aged  man  who  attires 
himself  in  "  lawn  sleeves,"  an  "  apron,"  and  "  so  on,"  and  s^^ 
would  like  to  know  his  feelings  on  that  subject. 


"  THE  only  Patti  Concert "  was  announced  for  last  Saturday. 
Would  it  not  have  been  even  more  correct  to  have  styled  it,  "  The 
Concert  of  '  the  Only  PATTI  *  "  ? 

SUGGESTED. — New  up-to-date  novel  by  the  author  of  Caris- 
sima,  to  be  called  Motor-Car-issima,  with  pedal  notes  by  M.C.C. 


SONGS    AND    THEIR    SINGERS.      No.    I. 


EXAMINATION  PAPER 
For  Candidates  for  Teachership  at  our  Educational  Institutions. 

1.  GIVE  a  short  history  of  cricket  during  the  last  two  centu- 
ries, marking  the  changes  in  the  game,  with  special  regard  to 
"no-balls." 

2.  Has   any  foreigner  made  a  "  not  out "   century  ?     Briefly 
summarise  the  exploits  of  any  three  Australian  batsmen  and  a 
prince  of  Indian  extraction. 

3.  Who  were  "the  three    Graces"?     Describe   the  favourite 
attitude  of  "the  Doctor." 

4.  What  are   the  rules   of   football?    In   what   respect   does 
Rugby  differ  from  Association  regulations  ? 

6.  Write  a  short  essay  upon  either  golf,  lawn-tennis,  or  quoits. 

6.  What  do  you  know  about  University  sports  ?     Give  records 
of  high  jump,  the  one  hundred  yards,  and  putting  the  stone. 

7.  How  would  you  coach  an  eight?     When  should  a  crew  go 
into  training  ?     What  should  be  the  diet  of  a  coxswain  six  weeks 
before  starting  on  the  Thames  at  Putney  ? 

8.  Show  by  diagram  what  you  should  do  if  the  white  ball  were 
three  inches  to  the  left  of  the  right  upper  pocket,  the  red  on 
spot,  and  you  yourself  in  baulk.     Should  you  play  for  a  cannon 
or  a  hazard  ? 

9.  What  should  be  the  outfit  of  a  public  schoolboy  ?     Should 
he  have  two  pairs  of  cricketing  boots?     Give  reasons  for  your 
answers. 

10.  Show  that  athletics  are  more  important  than  book  learn- 
ing.    Why  has  croquet  been  described  as  "  the  game  of  girls  "  ? 

11.  What  is  your  weight?     How  much  do  you  measure  round 
the  chest?     How  many  inches  are  you  above  six  feet? 

12.  Finally,  if  you  have  time,  for  the   question  is  optional, 
and  carries  no  marks,  state  briefly  what  you  know  about  Latin 
and  Greek. 


258  PUNCH,     OR     THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI.  [NOVEMBER  28,  1896. 


^4rfc^.  thrf>k*~~, 


HERE  COMES  SIR  CHARLES  THISTLEDOWN  AND  HIS  NEWLY-MARRIED  WIFE.     AND  YET  PEOPLE  SAY  HE  MARRIED  BENEATH  HIM  ! 


AUGUSTE  EN  ANGLETERRE. 

AUTOMOBILISTIC   BRIGHTON. 

DEAR  MISTER, — The  great  event  of  this  month  here  is  the  in- 
auguration of  english  automobilism .  At  Brighton  above  all  one 
is  in  the  movement,  dons  le  mouvement.  Naturally  the  fourteen 
I  desire  to  see  to  arrive  the  fifty-four  carriages  of  which  one  has 
spoken,  the  before-runners  of  the  great  changement,  the  inaugu- 
rators  of  automobilism  in  England. 

Therefore,  towards  the  four  hours,  I  regard  by  the  window  of 
the  hotel,  and  I  perceive  much  of  persons  who  walk  themselves 
by  a  time  of  the  most  frightfuls.  He  rains,  as  at  the  ordinary 
in  your  country  at  the  occasion  of  any  assembly  in  full  air. 
Quel  climat!  Not  only  that,  but,  the  sky  being  covered,  he  makes 
himself  already  obscure,  even  before  the  hour  of  the  going  to 
bed  of  the  sun,  and  also  he  makes  a  wind  truly  frightening,  in 
effect  one  half -gale.  What  time  for  the  unhappy  automobifists ! 
At  cause  of  the  obscurity,  and  of  the  crowd,  I  see  not  anything 
from  the  windows  of  the  hotel,  and  I  am  obliged  of  to  endorse 
my  "mackintosh"  and  of  to  go  out. 

Quel  temps  !  Impossible  of  to  hold  an  umbrella  I  And  in  Eng- 
land one  carries  not  a  capuchon  for  to  cover  the  head,  as  in 
France.  However  see  there  much  of  charming  misses,  who  walk 
themselves  by  a  time  as  that,  without  to  trouble  themselves,  the 
least  of  the  world,  of  the  rain,  of  the  wind,  or  of  the  mud.  And 
what  mud — all  as  at  London!  Not  only  young  misses,  but 
also  old  ladies,  old  ones — vieillards — little  childs,  all  are  there. 
Also  enormously  of  bicyclettes  and  of  carriages — "horse-car- 
riages," for  he  must  to  distinguish  at  present.  All,  excepted  the 
automobiles  1 

He  makes  black,  but  all  the  world  continues  of  to  walk  himself 
at  the  electric  light.  And  see  there,  after  to  have  attended 
during  three  quarters  of  an  hour,  without  anything  to  see  ex- 
cepted the  crowd,  all  to  blow,  tout  a  coup,  I  smell  an  odour  of 
oil — ah  but,  an  odour  of  the  most  disheartenings,  ecosurantes ! — 
and  I  perceive  a  little  carriage,  conducted  by  a  man,  in  costume 
of  "  yachtman,"  with  a  droll  of  bonnet,  galonne  or  gold.  The 
little  carriage  is  followed  of  two  other  carnages  and  of  two  other 
odours  of  oil,  still  more  disheartening,  and,  after  some  time,  of 
an  electric  carriage,  absolutely  without  odour.  Voila  tout!  All 
the  world  has  passed  one  hour  or  more  by  a  frightful  time,  for  to 


see  to  arrive  four  carriages,  absolutely  covered  of  mud,  and  one 
distinguishes  them  at  pain  in  the  obscurity,  excepted  by  the 
odour  of  the  oil  and  by  the  vacarme  of  the  mechanism.  Truly 
it  is  an  historic  occasion,  the  inauguration  of  the  carriage  of  the 
future,  but  extremely  disagreeable  by  a  so  villain  time. 

Me  I  am  myself  horribly  enrheumed.  Since  that  I  have  had 
the  gjrip,  the  influenza,  there  in  some  years,  a  rheum  of  brain  is 
a  veritaole  malady  for  me.  Je  me  mouche,  I  pocket-handkerchief 
myself,  absolutely  without  cease,  j'eternue  eternellement ,  I  sneeze 
eternally,  I  have  bad  at  the  head,  bad  at  the  throat,  bad  at  the 
eyes.  Ordinarily  of  a  natural  enough  gay,  I  become  a  miserable 
pessimist,  incapable  of  anything  to  do.  I  say  all  this  for  to  ex- 
plain for  what  I  write  this  so  longtime  after. 

But  in  verity  one  sees  some  automobiles  at  Brighton,  and  by  a 
superb  time,  all  the  days  since  the  fourteen,  above  all  the  six- 
teen— all  sorts  of  carriages,  the  most  part  as  those  that  I  have 
already  seen  at  Paris.  And  all  the  world  speaks  but  of  that.  It 
is  that  which  the  English  call  "a  new  craziness."  Even  the 
respectable  and  ancient  "Chainpier"  becomes  an  automobile, 
and  goes  gently  towards  the  east.  In  fine  perhaps  the  "  Pavilion," 
that  droll  of  palace  of  GEOBGE  FOUR,  will  part  also,  en  route  to 
Pekin.  Agree,  &c.,  ATJGTJSTE. 


At 


a  Metropolitan  Police  Court. 

(A  Forecast.) 

Magistrate  (to  prisoner).  You  are  accused  of  stealing  two 
loaves  of  bread.  Have  you  any  defence  ? 

Prisoner.  Yes,  your  worship.  I  'm  a  confirmed  kleptomaniac 
—  when  my  wife  and  children  are  starving. 

Magistrate.  Have  you  any  reference  as  to  your  statement  ? 

Prisoner.  Yes,  your  worship,  all  the  best  London  doctors  and 
the  Home  Secretary. 

Magistrate.  Discharged!  Without  a  stain  upon  your  charac- 
ter !  The  quality  of  mercy  can  never  be  strained  nowadays.  It 
is  only  diluted. 

GONE  TJP  ONE.  —  The  Daily  Telegraph  states  that  Viscount 
WOLSELBY  is  to  be  the  guest  of  the  Marquis  of  ROSEBEBY.  Is 
this  the  outcome  of  the  Primrose  League  proclivities  ? 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— NOVEMBER  28,  1896. 


REORGANISATION 

OF  THE 
OTTOMAN  EMPIRE. 


TURKEY  LIMITED." 


SULTAN.  "B1SMILLA!    MAKE  ME  INTO  A  LIMITED  COMPANY?    M'M— AH— S'POSE  THEY'LL  ALLOW 

ME  TO   JOIN  THE  BOARD  AFTER  ALLOTMENT!" 

[It  is  reported  that  "  among  the  proposals  "  which  the  Powers  have  "  under  serious  consideration, "  is  a  scheme  for  raising  a  "  new  Turkish  Loan  of  fivej 
millions  sterling,    to  be  applied  to  the  cost  of  the  judiciary,  revenue,  and  police  service  "  under  European  control."] 


NOVEMBER  28,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


261 


MOTOR  HUNT 

AUTOMATIC    FOXES   USED. 

NO  CRUELTf ,  N^feBUVNK  DMS, 
ELECTRIC,  ANaBsTEAM  HORSES 
FOR  HtRS  ^fcT,H>e  MEETS. 


SIGNS    OF    THE    TIMES. 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

LIFE  among  savages  is  apparently  mild  compared  to  the  ordi- 
nary existence  of  a  schoolboy,  especially  in  His  First  Year  at 
School,  by  ALFRED  WEST  (  FISHER  UN  WIN).  His  time  was  any- 
thing but  a  peaceful  one.  Ragging  "  and  "  rotting,"  with  many 
other  modern  terms  for  torture,  are  suggestive  of  capital  fun, 
except  for  the  unhappy  victim.  But  the  result  is  effective,  the 
process  of  evolution  admirable  through  which  the  namby-pamby 
individual  develops  into  an  every-day  youth. 

In  writing  The  Life  of  Archbishop  Magee  (ISBISTEH)  ,  Dr.  MAC- 
DONNELL  has  enjoyed  the  advantage  of  finding  a  sequence  of 
letters  from  the  pen  of  Dr.  MAGEE,  which,  with  here  and  there 
a  deft  touch,  suffice  to  tell  the  story.  This  is  the  best  way  a  bio- 
graphy may  be  written.  It  is,  however,  doubtful  whether,  had  Dr. 
MAGEE  been  in  a  position,  to  be  consulted,  he  would  have  con- 
sented to  the  publication  of  all  the  letters  which  appear  in  these 
volumes.  There  is,  for  example,  one  addressed  from  Spain  to 
his  friend  Dr.  MACDONNELL,  then  a  curate  in  County  Carlow. 
"  If  I  were  in  your  place,"  he  writes,  "  I  should  borrow  without 
scruple  for  my  sermons.  It  is  the  only  debt  a  man  is  not  obliged  to 
repay."  For  an  unsophisticated  layman  like  my  Baronite  this  is  a 
little  startling.  Suppose  the  analagous  case  of  a  journalist  preach- 
ing his  weekly  sermon  in,  say,  the  Spectator.  Suppose,  in  order 
to  fill  up  his  appointed  space  and  earn  his  apportioned  fee,  he 
were  to  delve  out  of  back  numbers  articles  by  other  hands, 
furbish  them  up  to  suit  time  and  occasion,  and  pass  them  off 
upon  an  unsuspecting  editor  as  his  own.  What  would  be  said 
of  such  .a  sinner  in  quiet  country  parishes?  Another  section  of 
the  correspondence  which  grates  upon  the  sensitive  lav  mind,  un- 
suspicious of  such  things  in  Rectories  and  Deaneries,  is  evidence 
of  hankering  after  professional  promotion.  Once  MAGEE  permitted 
himself  to  utter  the  frankest  complaint  of  a  bishop  who  had  been 
an  unconscionably  long  time  dying.  "The  Bishopric  of  Meath," 
he  writes,  on  August  1,  1886,  "would,  I  believe,  have  been 
mine  had  Dr.  SINGER'S  death  taken  place  just  three  weeks 
sooner  than  it  did.  Three  weeks  of  an  expiring  and  seemingh 
useless  life  lay  between  me  and  all  that  a  bishopric  im- 


plies." WMlst  this  inconsiderate  man  lingered  on,  olinging 
to  life  with  reprehensible  selfishness,  Earl  RUSSELL,  who 
would  have  promoted  the  Dean  of  Cork,  was  turned  out  of 
office,  and  Lord  DERBY,  who  had  other  clerical  friends  to  serve, 
took  his  place.  Hence  these  angered  tears  over  the  bier  of 
the  dallying  bishop.  From  a  historical  point  of  view, 
MAGEE'S  letters  penned  during  the  progress  of  the  fight 
over  the  Irish  Church  Bill  are  the  most  interesting  and 
valuable  portion  of  the  book.  On  every  page  he  dis- 
closes his  inner  self,  supplying  rare  opportunity  for  the 
study  of  a  man.  Occasionally  he  sums  himself  up  in  a  phrase. 
"  You  will  think  me,"  he  writes,  in  April,  1873,  "  a  strangely 
pugnacious  bishop."  Three  years  later  he  declares,  "  I  ought  to 
have  been  the  editor  of  a  Radical  newspaper  instead  of  being 
a  Conservative  bishop."  If  for  "  ought "  we  read  "  might " 
this  is  very  true.  As  his  career  was  shaped  it  was  infinitely 
better.  The  editor  of  a  Radical  paper  is  a  commonplace  of 
humanity  as  compared  with  a  MAGEE  on  the  Episcopal  Bench. 
The  letters  will  rank  among  the  best  in  the  English  language. 
The  sentences  follow  each  other  like  hammer  strokes,  each  one 
hitting  the  nail. 

Let  us  praise  heroes.  The  Life  of  Nelson,  by  SOTJTHEY, 
brought  out  by  Messrs.  DENT,  of  the  Aldine  House.  To  the 
neatness  and  daintiness  of  the  binding  of  this  DENT'S  production, 
this  in-dent-ure  witnesseth. 

Powerfully  told  is  the  sad  story  of  A  Child  of  the  Jago,  by 
AHTHTJR  MORRISON,  published  by  METHTJEN.  It  seems  to  the 
Baron  as  though  the  author  had  been  inspired  to  write  a 
modern  version  of  that  hideous  and  squalid  part  of  DICKENS'S 
Oliver  Twist,  in  which  old  Fagin,  Bill  Sikes,  Nancy,  Charley 
Bates,  and  the  Dodger  are  the  principal  actors.  In  the  action 
of  the  hypocritical  "  fence  "  there  is  also  a  touch  of  our  old  friend 
"  Melter  Moss  "  in  TOM  TAYLOR'S  Ticket-of -Leave  Man  who,  in 
the  drama,  went  to  the  merchant's  office  to  "split"  on  Bob 
Brierly,  just  as  Weech,  in  this  tale,  ruins  the  prospects  of  the  un- 
fortunate Dicky  Perrott.  The  flight  of  the  criminal  after  the 
murder  recalls  both  that  of  Bill  Sikes  and  Jonas  Chuzzlewit,  undei 
similar  circumstances.  The  description  of  the  great  fight  be- 
tween Josh  Perrott  and  Billy  Leahy  is  a  master-piece.  A  glossary 
of  thieves'  slang — or  the  slang  of  The  Jago-^ought  to  appear  as 
appendix.  It  is  horribly,  detestably  fascinating. 

Except  that  Amyas  is  true  to  his  Geraldine,  the  story  of  Sir 
Amyas,  Cavalier,  up  to  a  certain  point  is  that  of  the  ballad  of 
Billy  Taylor,  whom  his  "  true  love  followed  after  under  the  name 
of  Richard  Carr,"  disguised  as  a  sailor.  So  Geraldine,  dis- 
guised as  a  youthful  soldier,  follows  her  lover,  Amyas,  and 
becomes  his  wedded  wife  while  yet  "  masking  as  a  cornet  of  the 
king's  horse."  The  interest  of  the  story  ends  with  the  discovery  and 
the  marriage,  in  the  middle  of  the  book.  After  that,  all  about 
King  CHARLES  and  OLIVER  is  vieux  jeu.  Mr.  M.  H.  HERVEY'S  Sir 
Amyas  is  to  be  heard  of,  in  a  single  readable  volume,  at  the  house 
of  one  Master  ARROWSMITH,  of  Bristol. 

CONSTANCE  COTTERELL'S  Impossible  Person,  to  be  found  in 
FISHER  UNWIN'S  Autonym  Library,  began  as  a  kind  of  composite 
being,  something  between  Dora  Spenlow  and  little  Paul  Dombey. 
Then  "Little"  ELIZABETH  grew  up  and  became  another  version 
of  Mrs.  David  Copperfield  of  Blunderstone  Rookery,  who 
was  wearied  out  of  life  by  Mr.  Murdstone  and  his  amiable 
sister  Jane,  here,  in  this  story,  represented  by  Lucas  and 
Elaine.  Yet,  those  who  take  up  this  little  book,  will  thank 
Miss  COTTERELL  for  a  delightful  story,  and  will  finish  their  ex- 
pression of  genuine  approbation  with  the  child's  usual  request, 
"Now  tell  us  another  1  do  tell  us  another  I"  Yes,  "tell  us 
another,"  quoth  _==______  THB  BABON- 

To  Princess  Charles  of  Denmark. 

(Born  November  26,  1869.) 

PRINCESS  1  a  birthday-greeting,  not 

The  stereotyped  congratulation 
That  is  the  wonted  fulsome  lot 

Of  those  who  represent  high  station. 
This  from  our  hearts.,  good,  bright  Princess, 
Long  may  you,  Danish  wed,  possess 

The  love  of  all  your  father's  nation  1 


THE  NATTJRA-L  CREST  OF  EVERY  GOLF  CLUB. — The  lynx. 

LETTS  calls  them  "  desk  or  rough  diaries."  Why  "  rough," 
when  they  are  intended  for  "  Gentles  all  "  ?  Ladies  who  like  to 
keep  strict  account  of  their  dressmakers'  bills  will  find  these 
diaries  eminently  adapted  to  suit  their  figures. 

THE  FAVOURITE  OF  THE  MOTOR-CARS. — Petroleum. 


262 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  28,  1896. 


TO    ARMS! 


IN  the  Saturday  Review  a  writer,  signing  himself  "X,"  an 
unknown  quantity,  has  recently  started  a  series  of  articles  headed 
the  "  Snobbery  or  it,"  in  which  he  shows  how  certain  new  men, 
and  some  old  ones  too,  ambitiously  eager  to  possess  heraldic 
devices  associated  with  ancient  houses  and  noble  lineage,  have 
rushed  in  where  Dukes  feared  to  tread.  The  title  of  "  X "  's 
articles  might  have  been  more  appropriately  "  Robbery  and  Snob- 


THE  EARL  OF  B-RN-TO. 

Arms :  Quarterly;  1st  (of  the  month),  a  regal  cheque  in  advance  proper; 
2nd,  fretty  but  cheeky;  3rd,  a  Boer  rampant  and  bristled;  4th,  grand  quarters 
fin  Park  Lane),  behind  heraldic  scaffolding  a  castle  garnished  all  proper. 
Crest :  South  African  Lion  rampant  ducally  gorged  or.  Supporters :  Dexter, 
a  bull ;  sinister,  a  bear,  both  proper,  plain  collared  (celluloid)  and  chained 
or. 


berv  Under  Arms."  But,  we  ask,  why  hark  back  to  ancient  and 
well-worn  devices  P  Why  not  commence  a  new  era  P  Why  not 
let  our  Millionaires  of  the  Moment  and  Newly-Titled  Ones  send 
to  Mr.  Punch's  own  Heraldic  Artist  for  their  arms,  which  will 
always  be  ready  to  hand  on  the  shortest  notice,  and  for  their 
quarterings,  which  will  be  provided  "  while  you  wait  P  "  We 
give  a  few  specimens  to  start  with,  and  "  you  will  do  the  rest." 


VlSCOVNT   G-TTI   OF   THE    STRAND. 

Arms  :  Quarterly ;  1st,  argent  a  cruet  charged  extra ;  2nd,  a  magnum  or 
tres  sec ;  3rd,  six  native  oyster-shells  all  passable ;  4th,  a  o6telette  de  mouton 
charged  twice  over.  Crest :  1st,  a  waiter  passant  charged  with  a  salver  argent, 
sinister  arm  a  serviette;  2nd,  a  demi-customer  rampant  holding  in  the  sinister 
hand  a  parapluie  vert.  Supporters :  Two  jeunesses  dorees  flippant  regally 
gorged  or. 


THE  DUKE  OF  RH-D-S.                                                                                    !  BARON  M-PLB  OP  TOTTENHAM  COURT. 

Arms:  Sable,  a  British  lion  trippant,  collared,  chained,  and  muzzled;  Arms:  Quarterly;   1st,  five  dining-room  chairs  (a  bargain);  2nd,  three 

charged  with  a  raid  over  a  bordure  all  improper  bearing  the  British  flag  de-    race-horses  sable  just  rounding  Tottenham  Cour no,  Tattenham  Corner ; 

pressed.     Crests :  1st,  a  Boer's  head  couped  at  the  neck ;  2nd,  a  hand  grasping  3rd,  a  winter  sale  (at  greatly  reduced  prices)  proper ;  4th,  an  art  sofa  of  the 

a  sword  sinister.     Suppoi-ters :  Dexter,  a  blackamoor  semee  of  pellets  and  very  latest,  vert,  azure,  or  gules.     Crest :  A  pegasus  rampant,  new  wings 

gutties  de  sang  (Loben)gules ,  sinister,  a  Chartered  Company  trooper  gorged  furnished    throughout    by  M-ple  &  Co.      Supporters  :    Two  shop-walkers 

with  laurels.  monstrant  frock-coated  sable. 


NOVEMBER  28,  1896.1 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


263 


OVERHEARD    AT    HYDE    PARK    CORNER. 

No  CLASS,  THESE  'ERE  BICYCLERS,  is  THEY,  CAPTINO?" 


THE  ONE  TOPIC. 

Old  Lady.  Yes  my  dear,  it  is  very  in- 
teresting. I  remember,  when  I  was  a  girl, 
going  to  see  the  first  train  pass  through 
Bath,  just  as  you  went  to  see  these  motor- 
cars, &c.,  &c. 

Small  Boy.  Hullo,  TOMMY!  My  guv- 
nor 's  given  me  ten  bob,  and  SMITH  minor 
and  me  are  going  to  make  a  motor-car, 
&c.,  &c. 

Old  Gentleman.  I  think  I'll  take  some 
shares.  The  papers  are  full  of  it.  My 
belief  is  the  motor-cars,  &c.,  &c. 

Young  Lady.  It  would  have  been  rippin' 
if  the  weather  hadn't  been  so  awful.  I 
hiked  as  far  as  Croydon.  I  'm  awfully  keen 
now  on  ridin'  in  a  motor-car,  &c.,  &c. 

Infant  (in  a  legal  sense).  I  say,  you 
fellows,  private  hansoms  ain't  in  it.  I've 
just  ordered  a  motor.  Take  TOTTIE  DE 
VERB  down  to  Brighton.  Bippin'  lark! 
Never  told  the  beastly  counter-jumper 
how  old  I  was.  And  he  can't  get  anything 
out  of  the  guvnor.  Some  bally  old  judge 
said  fizz  is  a  "necessary,"  but  motor-cars, 
&c.,  &c. 

Infant  (in  every  sense) .  Boo-hoo !  Don't 
like  dolly.  Don't  like  Nana.  Naughty 
Nana.  Me  want  dada  give  me  a  moo-car 

&C.,   &C. 

Cabman.  Wot  I  arsts  is,  wot  am  I  a- 
goin'  ter  do  with  my  bloomin'  oss?  If 
these  'ere  motor-cars,  &c.,  &c. 

Doctor.  How  about  JONES  and  his  pair 
now  ?  Awful  sell  for  him  !  Wonder  how 
soon  I  can  leave  off  jobbing  some  old 
screw,  and  start  a  motor-car,  &c.,  &c. 

Undertaker.  A  henterprisin'  firm  must 
move  with  the  times  Must  see  about  had- 


now  these  motor-cars,  &c.,  &c. 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

An  unhappy  Swain  compares  himself  to  a  Candle 
of  ordinary  fabrication,  and  draws  a  comparison. 

SAID  the  candle  to  the  match, 

"  I  am  waiting. 
If  you  flash,  I  cannot  catch, 

Still  I  'm  waiting. 
When  you  lightly  look  on  me, 
I  reply  with  sympathy. 

But  I  'm  waiting,  waiting,  waiting  I  " 

Said  the  candle  to  the  match, 

"  I  am  weary. 
You  once  promised  me  despatch  ; 

But  I  'm  weary. 
I  am  longing  for  the  flame 
That  shall  change  your  other  name. 

But  I  'm  weary,  weary,  weary  I  " 

Said  the  candle  to  the  match, 

"  I  am  hoping ; 
Though  no  glimmer  do  I  catch, 

Still  I  'm  hoping. 
In  the  darkness  of  the  night. 
Tho'  there  comes  no  sign  of  light, 

I  am  hoping,  hoping,  hoping !  " 

Said  the  candle  to  the  match, 

"It  is  morning. 
Lo  !  the  swallow  quits  the  thatch 

In  the  morning. 
You  have  never  been  to  me 
As  you  promised  you  would  be 

'Fore  the  morning,   morning,   morn- 
ing, 

"  I  'm  the  candle  in  the  vale, 

Oh,  my  darling ! 
And  my  love  can  never  pale, 

Oh,  my  darling! 
But  I  'd  dearly  love  to  know 
Why  that  lamp  had  such  a  glow 

When   you    touched  it,  darling,   dar- 
ling!" 


L.  C.  C.  AS  PLAIN  AS  A  B  C. 

First  Citizen  meets  Second  Citizen.     They 
exchange  greetings. 

First  Citizen.  I  say,  aren't  you  on  the 
London  County  Council  ? 

Second  Citizen.  I  have  that  distinguished 
honour. 

First  C.  Then  what's  all  this  to-do  in 
the  Works  Department? 

Second  C.  There  has  been  grave  irre- 
gularity, which  is  being  promptly  reme- 
died. 

First  C.  Yes,  I  read  that  in  the  news- 
po.pers.  But  what  does  it  all  mean  ? 

Second.  C.  That  the  jobs  undertaken  by 
the  Council  were  more  expensive  than 
they  would  have  been  had  they  been  en- 
trusted to  outside  contractors. 

•First  C.   How  did  that  happen  ? 

Second  C.  By  ignoring  the  current  prices 
of  the  labour  market. 

First  C.  And  where  did  "  the  grave  irre- 
gularity" enter? 

Second  C.  In  the  preparation  of  the  ac- 
counts. The  books  were  undoubtedly 
cooked  and  served  up  with  sauce. 

First  C.  Indeed;  and  was  it  any  par- 
ticular sauce  ? 

Second  C.  No,  general  sauce ;  or,  to  be 
more  explicit,  "  Progressive  Sauce." 

First  C.  And  yet  there  was  some  talk  of 
"  profits." 

Second  C.  A  misnomer.  The  "  profit " 
was  the  difference  between  the  actual  cost 
and  an  exaggerated  over-estimate. 

First  C.  Then  the  "  profit "  was  merely 
a  disguised  loss  ? 

Second  C.  Quite  so,  but  the  first  name 
is  prettier  than  the  second. 

First  C.  And  when  will  the  ratepayer 
fully  realize  this  disguised  loss  ? 

Second  C.-  When  he  receives  his  next 
note  of  assessment. 


264 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  28,  1896. 


HINTS    FROM    OUR    INVENTOR'S    NOTE-BOOK. 

PATENT  CONVERTIBLE  KNIFE-GRINDING  SAFETY. 


DARBY  JONES  AT  DERBY. 

HONOURED  SIR,  —  It  has  often  puzzled 
me  why  the  Midland  Railway  Company 
should  have  its  headquarters  at  the  town 
which  for  so  many  years  was  associated 
with  the  political  fame  of  Mr.  SAMUEL 
PLIMSOLL,  Sir  WILLIAM  VERNON  HARCOURT 
and  Sir  THOMAS  ROE — the  latter  an  emi- 
nent authority  on  soft  sawdust.  We  Lon- 
doners, who  gaze  with  awe  on  the  wide- 
spreading  span  of  St.  Pancras  Station, 
frequently  forget  that  the  directors,  who 
see  no  medium  between  First  and  Third- 
class  passengers,  issue  all  their  edicts  from 
a  place  whence  both  the  Lord  of  KNOWS- 
LEY  and  the  Blue  Ribbon  of  the  Turf 
derive  their  appellations.  I  confess  that 
I  like  Derby,  quite  apart  from  racing  or 
railway  reminiscences.  There  is  a  certain 
air  of  "  Tread  on  my  toes  and  I  '11  walk  on 
yours  "  about  the  inhabitants.  They  don't 
hesitate  in  their  method,  they  do  it,  as  I 
know  to  my  cost,  after  inadvertently  com- 
ing in  contact  with  a  citizen  whose  feet 
were  considerably  larger  in  space  than  thi-.t 
accorded  to  most  of  the  Queen's  subjects. 
His  language  corresponded  with  his  weight 
carriers.  It  was  very  heavy  and  broad,  and 
I  am  still  dependent  on  a  couple  of  walk- 
ing-sticks. .  Nevertheless,  I  like  Derby, 
and  it  was  in  honour  of  Sir  WALTER  SCOTT 
and  the  late  Lord  TENNYSON  that  I  placed 
my  humble  "  fiver "  on  Northern  Farmer 
for  the  Chesterfield  Nursery  Stakes,  not  a 
bad  solution  where  no  less  than  a  score  of 
two-year-olds  were  engaged.  Albeit,  I  am 
strongly  averse  from  this  kind  of  race  at 
the  close  of  the  season.  Young  quadru- 
peds ought  in  November  to  be  housed  for 
the  winter.  Many  a  promising  four-footed 
performer  have  I  known  ruined  for  life  by 
appearing  in  public  at  a  time  when  sensi- 
ble bipeds  are  preparing  to  wing  their  cus- 
tomary flight  to  Monte  Carlo  or  Algiers. 
And  surely  babies,  be  they  colt  or  filly, 
require  a  little  nursing?  I  notice,  hon- 
oured Sir,  that  you  (in  addition  to  other 
superfluous  and  crude  remarks)  inquire 
"  Who  is  the  Lovely  Lady  ?  "  I  regret  that, 
consistently  with  Honour  and  High  Prin- 
ciples, such  as  have  always,  I  trust,  been 
my  Goals  in  Life,  I  cannot  satisfy  your 
extravagant  curiosity  as  to  the  Divinity, 
and  was  truly  inspired  by  the  Blessing 
of  Prophecy  at  Liverpool.  Suffice  it  to 


say  that  she  is  fair  as  an  Oleander  in  the 
south  of  France,  wise  as  a  rattlesnake  of 
far-distant  Florida,  and  as  sagacious  as  the 
pig,  which,  I  understand,  discovers  the  lus- 
cious truffle  for  the  wanderer  interested  in 
the  manufacture  of  Strasburg  pies.  I 
must  therefore  ask  you,  with  all  deference 
to  your  high  status,  not  to  seek  to  reveal 
the  identity  of  the  Lovely  Lady.  Your  in- 
discretion in  alluding  to  her  has,  despite 
my  crippled  state,  compelled  the  acquaint- 
ance or  a  Supple  Ash  plant  with  the 
shoulders  of  an  Imprudent  Baronet.  As 
they  say  in  the  classics,  "  a  little  know- 
ledge often  makes  a  dangerous  sting." 
Therefore,  as  Mr.  JOHN  HAWKE,  the  in- 
dustrious secretary  of  the  Anti-Gambling 
League,  knows  to  his  cost,  it  is  dangerous 
to  be  over  curious.  "  Herewith  I  drop  the 
subject,"  as  the  Barbary  Ape  said  when  he 
handled  the  over-roasted  potato.  Like 
NANSEN  to  the  Pole,  I  now  turn  to  those 
items  in  which  I  know  you,  Sir,  despite 
your  feigned  callousness,  have  an  interest 
second  to  none.  How  it  has  gladdened  my 
heart  to  watch  you  surreptitiously  hover- 
ing about  TATTERSALL'S  Ring,  endeavour- 
ing to  get  a  better  price  about  your  pet 
fancy  than  the  market  justified !  I  believe 
that  you  even  shaved  on  one  occasion  in 
order  to  accomplish  your  object.  With 
the  Manchester  Handicap  in  view  I  chortle 
about  a  small  field. 

The  J?pt-cure  may  odds  upset, 
The  Dale  make  Chat  look  small ; 

A  Belgian  rirer  don't  forget, 
While  Anne  may  beat  them  all. 

I  indite  the  above  with  the  winner  of  the 
Derby  Cup  before  my  visionary  organs. 
I  doubt  not  that  you  were  delighted  with 
the  special  wire  which  I  sent  you  an- 
nouncing beforehand  the  victory  of  La 
Sagesse.  It  was  a  Christmas  present  in  ad- 
vance from  Your  delighted  adviser, 
DARBY  JONES. 

[DARBY  JONES'S  absurd  remarks  with  regard  to 
"  the  Lovely  Lady  "  and  our  presence  at  race  meet- 
ings are  beneath  contempt,  and,  from  a  letter  just 
received,  we  understand  that  his  encounter  with 
the  baronet  was  far  from  satisfactory  to  him.  "We 
had  no  special  wire. — En.] 


WESTMINSTER  wants  to  be  a  COT 
Of  course  the  first  mayor  will 
minster  "  Labby." 


)oration. 
*s  West- 


IN  THE  MIDLANDS. 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH, — Will  you,  like  the 
dear  old  darling  that  you  are,  please  tell 
some  of  the  gentlemen  who  hunt  with  us 
that  we  are  not  all  New  Women.  It  is 
very  well  for  Lady  HENRY  SOMERSET  to 
talk  about  the  equality  of  the  sexes,  but  I 
frankly  confess  that  I  like  a  lead  from  one 
of  the  others.  Also,  when  I  get  a  "  spill," 
as  I  did  the  other  day,  I  don't  appreciate 
being  left  for  dead.  I  really  think  that 
the  "  Manners  of  Modern  Men "  would 
make  just  as  good  a  subject  for  discussion 
in  the  newspapers  as  the  ways  of  children. 
I  know  that  certain  of  my  sisters,  who 
never  took  anything  higher  than  the  plat- 
form at  St..  James's  Hall,  are  responsible 
for  the  inattention  which  we  now  receive  ; 
but,  believe  me,  we,  who  are  (what  shall  I 
say?)  "Liberal  Unionists?"  like  to  be 
shown  that  courteous  attention  which  has 
been  our  prerogative  ever  since  the  world 
began  with  the  deception  of  Woman.  We 
don't  nrnd  being  hurt,  but  we  do  hate  be- 
ing cruxhed  by  neglect.  I  also  know  that 
a  great  many  selfish  men  dislike  our  hunt- 
ing at  all.  Why,  we  are  born  huntresses 
as  our  mothers  were  before  us !  And  when 
we  have  run  our  prey  to  a  satisfactory 
finish,  we  treat  him  with  tenderness  and 
often  with  affection.  Only  let  the  young 
cavaliers  not  neglect  their  opportunities. 
Personally  I  don't  care  much  about  a  gato 
being  opened,  but  several  of  my  friends  do. 
They  likewise  want  to  be  fished  out  of  a 
brook.  Therefore,  dear  Mr.  Punch,  ask 
these  sportsmen  to  remember  that  the  old 
(I  mean  metaphorically)  Woman  still  ex- 
ists, and  oblige 

Your  constant  admirer, 

DIANA  BULLFINCH. 

Melton  Mowbray,  November  23. 


English  as  She  is  Wrote. 

NOTICE. 

This  road  is  private. 

Persons  trespassing  will  be,  Prosecuted 
in  consequence  of  wilful,  damage  having 
boon  done  with  dogs  and  otherways. 

BY  ORTIER. 

THE  above  is  not  a  specimen  of  Chinese 
punctuation,  but  the  exact  copy  of  a  no- 
tice-board in  Sussex. 


THE  DELIGHT  OF  MASSA  BONES  ON  HEARING 
THAT  KING  MENELEK  GUARANTEES  "  THE 
ABSOLUTE  ^DEPENDENCE  OF  ETHIOPIA  "  ! 


DECEMBER  5,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


265 


SIGNS    OF    THE    TIMES    IN    THE    LOWTHER    ARCADE. 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

READING  Sentimental  Tommy,  Mr.  BARRIE'S  last  book,  pub- 
lished by  CASSELL,  there  have  been  recurrent  moments  when  my 
Baronite  has  doubted  whether  the  story  might  not  be  more 
aptly  entitled.  Tiresome  Tommy  more  precisely  describes  the 
prodigy  through  a  quite  unreasonable  number  of  pages.  The 
Jacobite  rising,  the  siege  of  Thrums,  and  one  or  two  other 
chapters  of  ponderously  precise  fantasy,  is,  to  tell  the  unvar- 
nished truth,  almost  enough  to  make  one  of  the  most  apprecia- 
tive and  faithful  of  Mr.  BARRIE'S  admirers  lay  down  the  un- 
finished book.  But  here  and  there,  shining  through  this  dog- 
gerel of  narrative,  like  threads  of  gold  in  a  mass  of  sacking,  are 
episodes  of  humour  and  pathos  which  testify  that  the  Window  in 
Thrums  is  not  yet  built  up.  Of  such  are  Hogmanay  kept  in  a 
London  slum,  and  the  home-taking  of  Grizel  by  the  old  doctor. 
The  strongest  writing  is  at  the  beginning,  setting  forth  the  life 
and  death  of  Tommy's  mother,  wherein  appears  the  beautiful 
and  pathetic  Hogmanay  incident.  Mr.  BARRIE  is  ludicrously  in 
love  with  Sentimental  Tommy,  whereas  far  away  the  best  charac- 
ter in  the  book  is  Grizel. 

A  delightful  quality  about  Bodney  Stone  (SMITH,  ELDER)  is  its 
lilting  "go."  There  is  not  a  dull  page  in  it  from  first  to  last. 
All  is  light,  colour,  movement,  blended  and  inspired  by  a  master 
hand.  When  my  Baronite  read  the  fight  in  the  coach-house  he 
thought  it  one  of  the  most  breathless  exercises  he  had  ever 
taken,  book  in  hand.  So  it  was  till  some  chapters  later  he 
came  upon  the  narrative  of  the  smith's  last  battle.  Like  the 
first,  it  was,  alack !  a  prize  fight.  Told  by  CONAN  DOYLE,  the  sub- 
ject is  ennobled  till  it  becomes  quite  as  respectable  and  far  more 
stirring  than,  a  set-to  between  SALADIN  and  RICHARD  COJUR  DE 
LION.  Embroidered  on  the  story  are  picturesque  scenes  of  life 
in  the  time  of  GEORGE  THE  FOURTH,  reproduced  with  amazing 
vividness.  It  seems  so  easily  done.  But  as  Dr.  CONAN  DOYLE 
indicates  in  a  preface,  a  considerable  amount  of  study  preceded 
the  undertaking.  Amongst  the  authorities  to  whom  he  avows 
his  indebtedness  for  information  upon  the  subject  of  the  ring 
is  Mr.  J.  C.  PARKINSON.  My  Baronite  knew  that  "J.  C.  P." 
was,  amongst  other  things,  a  bard,  accustomed  to  inaugurate 
Eisteddfoddau  arrayed  in  becoming  Druidical  costume.  But 
he  never  knew  he  was  an  accepted  authority  on  ring  matters. 
Which  shows  how  little  the  world  knows  of  its  greatest  men. 

HENRY  JAMES  is  indifferent  Anthony  Trollopeian  and  second- 
class  Meredithian.  The  Judicious  Skipper  will  find  plenty 
of  exercise  for  his  literary  athletics  in  both  volumes.* 
"  Oh,  my  dear  man !  "  "  Oh,  my  dear  woman !  "  all  these  con- 
versationalists say  to  one  another  for  pages  and  pages,  and  we 
"  don't  get  no  furrader."  Paul  Vidal  is  a  kind  of  flabby  re- 
incarnation of  Mr.  Toots,  with  the  latter's  "it's  of  no  conse- 
quence." In  this  story  nobody  is  of  any  particular  conse- 
quence, and  dolls,  and  cake,  and  tea,  and  small  talk,  go  on  hum- 

*  By  the  way,  before  the  Baron  took  supreme  charge  of  this  olHce  in  Mr. 
Punch's  establishment,  it  was  held  for  years  by  a  certain  "  Skipper  and  his 
boy,"  neither  of  whom  was  ever  dismissed,  as  Mr.  P.  never  gives  the  conge  to 
any  tried  and  valued  servant.  So  the  Skipper  and  his  boy  are  still  retained 
on  the"  staff.  Judge,  then,  of  the  Baron's  surprise  on  seeing  that  this  ever- 
green veteran's  style  and  title  had  been  appropriated  by  an  illustrated  paper, 
which  regularly  produces  a  column  of  review  purporting  to  be  from  "  the 
Skipper."  Well,  every  vessel  has  ita  own  "skipper,"  but  Mr.  Punch's 
skipper  was  the  first  in  this  line,  and  any  other  skipper  may  be  "  «  Skipper," 
but  ne  is  not  "  the  Skipper"  who  first  appropriated  and  secured  the  right  to 
the  title  with  the  definite  article  prefixed. 


drummingly ;  and  young  ladies  ask  young  gentlemen  to  sit  down 
beside  them  and  talk,  and  they  do  talk  and  talk ;  and  only  once 
is  there  a  dramatic  situation.  Tony,  the  drowned  child's  father, 
howls  and  breaks  into  a  storm  of  sobs;  Rose,  "with  a  passionate 
wail,"  throws  herself  on  the  grass ;  the  doctor  "  looks  from  one 
prostrate  figure  to  the  other,"  as  well  he  may,  and  curtain  de- 
scends on  end  of  Book  Second.  Then  Book  Third  :  more  dreary 
dialogue.  And  when  the  secret  is  revealed  the  question  must 
occur,  Was  it  worth  going  through  so  much  to  learn  so  little  ? 
Yet,  HENRY  JAMES  is  a  favourite  with  reviewers  and  readers  of 
the  very  superior  sort. 

From  the  Aldine  Press  Messrs.  DENT  &  Co.  have  already 
sent  forth  the  first  of  The  Temple  Classics,  edited  by  ISRAEL 
GOLLANCZ,  M.A.,  consisting  of  a  neat,  handy-shaped  book,  con- 
taining WILLIAM  WORDSWORTH'S  Prelude.  The  poet  became  a 
Johnian  Undergraduate  at  Cambridge  in  1787,  being  then  just 
seventeen  years  of  age.  Young  men  went  up  a  year  or  so  earlier 
in  those  days  than  they  do  now ;  yet  do  his  notes  show 
that,  in  spite  of  many  alterations,  there  is  really  very  little 
change  in  the  ancient  University  within  the  last  hundred  years 
since  WORDSWORTH  caught  his  first  "  glimpse  of  Cam," 

"  And  at  the  '  Hoop  '  alighted,  famous  inn." 
Then  the  youthful  poet's  account  of  the  "motley  spectacle":-- 

"  Gowns  grave,  or  gaudy,  doctors,  students,  streets, 
Courts,  cloisters,  flocks  of  churches,  gateways,  towers." 

And  how  pleased  he  was 

"  With  invitations,  suppers,  wine  and  fruit, 
Smooth  housekeeping  within,  and  all  without 
Liberal  and  suiting  gentleman's  array." 

A  light  on  academical  ways  in  the  past,  on  the  banks  of  the 
Cam,  and  a  link  with  the  present,  this  handy  volume,  with  useful 
silken  marker  sewn  in,  is  a  pleasure  and  a  treasure. 

The  Missing  Prince,  by  G.  E.  FARROW  (HITTCHINSON  &  Co.). 
An  extra  special  sort  of  fairy  nightmare,  likely  to  visit  any 
youthful  dreamer  of  dreams  when  retiring  to  bed  with  their 
ideas  somewhat  mixed.  It  ought  to  fascinate  the  {esthetic  taste 
of  cultured  nursery  folk.  Mr.  HARRY  FURNISS  and  his  daughter 
DOROTHY  comically  and  daintily  illustrate  the  book. 

For  quite  little  people  SHEILA  E.  BRAINE  has  worked  up  a  new 
theory  of  how  that  cackling  hen  of  old  travelled  To  tell  the  King 
tJie  Sky  was  Falling.  Molly  and  Max,  who  follow  in  her  claw 
prints^  come  across  many  ancient  acquaintances  only  to  be  met 
with  in  the  happy  hunting-ground  of  Fairyland.  Delightful 
illustrations  by  ALICE  WOODWARD  complete  the  story,  which  is  on 
the  catalogue  of  BLACKIE  &  SONS. 

(Signed)  THE  BARON  AND  HIS  BOYS. 

At   a  West-end  Club. 

Hospitable  Southerner  (to  Scottish  guest).  Have  another  go  of 
whiskey  ? 

Scottish  Guest  (with  a  sigh).  I  thank  ye.     No. 

Hospitable  Southerner  (astonished).  What!  Why  surely  it's 
not  a  case  of  "  the  wee  drappie  i'  the  ee  "? 

Scottish  Guest.  Nae,  mon,  it 's  no  that ;  it 's  the  wee  drappee 
i'  the  glass.  [H.  S.  takes  hint  and  orders  a  tumbler  of  whiskey. 

ONLY  A  LITTLE  LONGER  TITLE.— The  Gil  Bias  says  that  all 
Europe  will  shortly  demand  the  Evacuation  of  Egypt  by  the 
English.  The  name  of  the  paper  should  be  changed  to  the  Gil 
Blagueur. 


VOL.    CXI. 


A  A 


266 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  5,  1896. 


DECEMBER  5,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


267 


A    CONVINCING    TEST. 

Youth  (on  Pony).   "  COME  ON,  GUAN'PA  !     IT'S  SAFE  ENOUGH.     BORE  us  EASILY!' 


CURIOUS  SIMILARITY. 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH,  —  The  plot  of  Under  the  Bed  Robe, 
at  the  Haymarket,  is  as  follows :  — A  spendthrift  com- 
mits a  crime  which  brings  him  into  the  power  of  a  great 
French  statesman.  His  life  is  offered  to  him  on  the  con- 
dition that  he  goei  to  the  frontier  to  bring  back  to  Paris  a  man 
hateful  to  the  powers  that  be.  If  he  does  not  do  this  his  fate  is 
the  scaffold.  The  spendthrift  accepts  the  hateful  mission.  He 
goes  to  the  frontier,  and  falls  in  love  with  the  sister  of  the  man  he 
is  bound  to  betray.  In  the  nick  of  time  he  repents,  and  returns  to 
Paris  ready  to  forfeit  his  life  in  satisfaction  of  his  mission  un- 
performed. He  is  followed  by  the  woman  he  loves.  But  thanks 
to  a  shuffle  of  the  cards  of  fate,  the  man  who  can  crush  him 
ceases  to  be  powerful,  and  all  ends  happily. 

A  capital  idea,  but  I  have  come  across  it  before.  How  about 
this.  Figure  to  yourself  a  lady  instead  of  a  man.  This  lady  is 
also  a  spendthrift.  She  has  fallen  into  the  power  of  Fouche 
while  devoted  to  the  gaming  table.  At  the  right  moment  she  is 
told  that  she  must  lure  back  to  Paris  a  man  hateful  to  the  powers 
that  be.  If  she  does  not — exposure.  She  accepts  the  hateful 
task.  She  follows  the  man  to  tlie  frontier  and  falls  in  love  with 
him.  In  the  nick  of  time  she  repents  and  returns  to  Paris,  ready 
to  pay  the  sacrifice  of  her  mission  unperformed.  She  is  followed 
by  the  man  she  loves.  But  thanks  to  a  shuffle  of  the  cards  of 
fate,  the  man  who  can  crush  her  ceases  to  be  powerful,  and  all 
ends  happily. 

Are  not  these  plots  very  similar?  One  is  the  story  of  Under 
the  Eed  Robe, the  other  the  story  of  Plot  and  Passion.  They 
both  concern  France,  but  one  is  a  century  or  so  earlier  than  the 
other.  Richelieu,  in  Under  the  Eed  Robe,  finds  a  counterpart  in 
the  Fouche  of  Plot  and  Passion.  Then  Ma/rie  de  Fontanges — 
spendthrift  and  gambler — has  her  double  in  Gil  de  Berault,  spend- 
thrift and  duellist.  Both  are  reckless ;  with  their  sense  of  honour 
once  so  keen  now  so  blunted.  Both  are  turned  from  their  pur- 
pose of  betrayal  to  accept  their  doom  by  the  power  of  love. 
Another  coincidence :  both  Under  the  Red  Robe  and  Plot  and 
Passion  before  realisation  on  the  boards  put  in  an  appearance  in 
serial  form.  The  latter  was  published  in  a  paper  called  The 


Welcome  Guest.  But  where  were  the  learned  literary  or  dra- 
matic critics  when  book  or  play  came  out?  Where  was  MOSES 
when  the  candle  went  out  ?  Yours, 

HAWKSHAW  THE  DETECTIVE  OF  A  PLOT. 


LINES 

Contributed  by  the  Member  for  Sark  to  the  Visitors'  Book  of  a  Welsh  Inn. 

IN  some  hotels  that  I  Ve  been  at, 

I  Ve  seen  a  busy  fuss-creator, 
Who,  running  here  and  running  there, 

Quick  answered  to  the  call  of  r<  Waiter !  " 

A  better  system  here  prevails, 
A  pretty  plan  of  birth  much  later. 

In  this  hotel 

You  ring  the  bell, 
And  then  yourself  become  the  waiter. 

Crieyllcdwlmycbwrmtyl,  November. 


At  a  County  Ball. 

Young  Slapperton  (who  has  just  been  presented  to  Fraulein 
VON  KINCKESTEIN,  newly  imported  from  the  Fatherland).  May  I 
have  the  honour  of  the  next  Lancers  ? 

Fraulein  (who  does  not  understand).  I  not  comprehend. 

Young  8.  (struck  with  a  brilliant  inspiration).  I  mean,  shall 
we  do  the  Uhlans  together  ?  Comprennay  ? 

[Leaves  the  Fraulein  more  amazed  than  ever. 


"  HERE  's  (DE  LA)  RTJE  (&  Co.)  for  you,"  with  a  new  game 
called  "Homo."  Poor  Homo!  This  is  not  the  first  time  he's 
been  considered  as  fair  game.  And  this  game  is,  of  course,  quite 
fair,  and  not  unlike  the  fascinating  "  Halma."  Well,  something 
new  must  be  invented  for  the  game  season. 

VERY  LIKE  A  WEYLER. — "  Great  defeat  of  the  rebels  in  Cuba." 


268 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  5,  1896. 


JOTTINGS    AND    TITTLINGS. 

(By  BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO  JABBERJEE,  B.A.) 
No.  XXIX. 

Futthcr  proceedings  in  the  Case  of  Maiiklctov;  v.  Jabber jee. 
Mr.  Jabberjec's  Opening  for  the  Defence. 

Queen's  Bench  Court,  No.  .    2.40  P.M. 

I  HAVE  just  resumed  my  seat  after  a  rather  searching  examina- 
tion of  Madam  MANKLETOW,  as  will  appear  from  the  notes  of  her 
evidence  kindly  taken  by  my  solicitor  :  — 

Mr  SOLICITOR'S  SAID  NOTES? 

Mrs.  MARTHA  MANKLETOW  (formidable  old  party — all  bugle.'' 
and  bombazine).  Would  certainly  describe  her  establishment  as 
fashionable  and  select.  All  her  male  boarders  perfect  gentlemen 
— except  defendant.  Was  never  anxious  to  secure  him  for  her 
daughter — on  the  contrary,  would  have  much  preferred  her  son- 
in-law  white.  Gave  her  consent  because  of  the  passionate  attach- 
ment he  professed  for  plaintiff.  Nothing  to  her  whether  he  was 
of  princely  rank  or  not.  He  appeared  to  be  very  well  able  to 
support  her  daughter,  which  was  the  chief  thing.  Had  never 
threatened  defendant  with  personal  chastisement  from  other 
boarders  if  he  denied  any  engagement.  Did  say  that  if  he  meant 
nothing  serious  after  all  the  marked  attentions  ho  had  paid  the 


Mr.  Justice  Honeygall. 

plaintiff,  he  deserved  to  be  cut  dead  by  all  the  gentlemen  in  the 
house.  Insisted  on  the  engagement  being  made  public  at  once  ; 
thought  it  her  bounden  duty  to  do  so.  Did  not  know  whether 
defendant  wasi  married  already,  or  how  many  wives  he  was  en- 
titled to  in  his  own  country — he  had  taken  good  care  not  to  say 
anything  about  all  that  when  he  proposed.  Did  not  consider  him 
a  desirable  match,  and  never  had  done,  but  thought  he  ought  to 
be  made  to  pay  heavily  for  his  heartless  behaviour  to  her  poor 
unprotected  child,  who  would  never  get  over  the  slight  of  being 
jilted  by  a  black  man. 

Here  I  sat  down,  amidst  suppressed  murmurs  from  the  Court 
of  indignation  and  sympathy  at  such  gross  unmannerly  insults 
to  a  highly-educated  Indian  University  man  and  qualified  native 
barrister. 

3.16. — More  witnesses  for  plaintiff,  viz.,  Miss  SPINK  and  sundry 
select  boarders,  who  have  testified  to  my  courtship  and  the 
notoriety  of  my  engagement.  Seeing  that  they  were  predeter- 
mined not  to  answer  favourably  to  myself,  I  tore  a  leaf  out  of 
Mister  WITHERINGTON'S  book,  and  said  that  I  had  no  questions  to 
ask.  .  .  .  The  plaintiff's  junior  has  just  sat  down,  with  the 
announcement  that  that  is  his  case.  I  am  now  to  turn  the  tables 
by  dint  of  rhetorical  loquacity.  .  .  . 

The  annexed  report,  though  sadly  meagre,  and  doing  very 
scanty  justice  to  the  occasion,  is  furnished  by  my  friend  young 
HOWARD,  who  was  present  in  Court  at  the  time. 

Jab.  (in  a  kind  of  sing-song).  May  it  please  your  venerable 
Lordship  and  respectable  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  I  am  in  the 
very  similar  predicam  snt  of  another  celebrated  native  gentleman 
and  well-known  character  in  the  dramatic  works  of  your  immortal 
litterateur  Poet  SHAKSPEARE.  I  allude  to  OTHELLO  on  the  occa- 


sion  of  his  pleading  before  the  Duke  and  other  potent,  grave, 
and  reverent  signiprs  of  Venice,  in  a  speech  which  I  shall  com- 
mence by  quoting  in  full 

Mr.  Justice  Honeygall.  One  moment,  Mr.  JABBERJEE,  I  am 
always  reluctant  to  interfere  with  Counsel,  but  it  may  save  my 
time  and  that  of  the  jury  if  I  remind  you  that  the  illustration 
you  propose  to  give  us  is  hardly  as  happy  as  it  might  be.  The  head 
and  front  of  OTHELLO'S  offending,  unless  I  am  mistaken,  was  that 
he  had  married  the  lady  of  his  affections,  whereas  in  your 
case — 

Jab.  (plaintively).  Your  lordship,  it  is  not  humanly  possible 
that  I  can  exhibit  even  ordinary  eloquence  if  I  am  to  be  inter- 
rupted by  far-fetched  and  frivolous  objections.  The  story  of 
OTHELLO 

Mr.  Justice  H.  What  the  jury  want  to  hear  is  not  OTHELLO'S 
story,  but  yours,  Sir,  and  your  proper  course  is  to  go  into  the 
witness-box  at  once,  and  give  your  version  of  the  facts  as  simply 
and  straightforwardly  as  you  can.  When  you  have  given  your 
own  evidence  and  called  any  witnesses  you  may  wish  to  call,  you 
will  have  an  opportunity  of  addressing  the  jury,  and  exhibiting 
the  eloquence  on  which  you  apparently  place  so  much  reliance. 

[Here  poor  old  JAB  bundles  off  to  the  witness-box,  and  takes  some  out- 
landish oath  or  other  with  immense  gusto,  after  which  he  starts  telling 
the  Jury  a  long  rambling  rigmarole,  and  is  awfully  riled  when  the 
old  Judge  pulls  him  up,  which  he  does  about  every  other  minute.  This 
is  the  sort  of  thing  that  goes  on : — 

Jab.  At  this,  Misters  of  the  Jury,  I,  being  but  a  pusillanimous 
and  no  Leviathan  of  valour 

The  Judge.  Not  so  fast,  Sir,  not  so  fast.  Follow  my  pen.  I  've 
not  got  down  half  what  you  said  before  that.  (Reads  labori- 
ously from  his  notes.)  "In  panicstricken  apprehension  of  being 
severely  assaulted  a  posteriori."  Who  do  you  say  threatened  to 
assault  you  in  that  manner — the  plaintiff's  mother  ? 

Jab.  I  have  already  had  the  honour  to  inform  your  lordship 
that  I  was  utterly  intimidated  by  the  savage  threats  of  the  plain- 
tiff's mother  that,  unless  I  consented  to  become  the  betrothed, 
she  would  summon  certain  able-bodied  athletic  boarders  to  batter 
and  kick  my  unprotected  person,  and  consequently,  not  being  a 
Leviathan 

The  Judge.  No  one  has  ever  suggested  that  you  are  an  animal 
of  that  description,  Sir.  Have  the  goodness  to  keep  to  the 
point.  (Reads  as  he  writes.)  "  I  was:  so  intimidated  by  threats 
of  plaintiff's  mother  that  she  would  have  me  severely  kicked  by 
third  parties  if  I  refused,  that  I  consented  to  become  engaged  to 
plaintiff."  Is  tJiat  what  you  say  ? 

Jab.  (beaming).  Your  lordship's  acute  intellect  has  compre- 
hended my  pons  asinorum  with  great  intelligence. 

The  Judge  (looking  at  him  under  his  spectacles).  Umph!  Well, 
go  on.  What  next? 

[So  old  JAB  goes  on  gassing  away,  at  such  a  deuce  of  a  rate  that  the  Judge 
gives  up  all  idea  of  taking  notes,  and  sits  staring  at  JAB  in  resigned 
disgust.  (It  was  spell-bmmd  attentiveness. — H.  B.  J.)  JAB  WILL 
spout  and  WON'T  keep  to  the  point  ;  but,  all  the  same,  I  fancy,  some- 
how, he  's  getting  round  the  Jury.  He  's  such  a  jolly,  innocent  kind 
of  old  ass,  and  they  like  him  because  he  's  no  end  of  sport.  The 
plaintiff's  a  devilish  fine  girl,  and  gave  her  evidence  uncommonly 
well;  but,  unless  WITHERINGTOX  turns  up  again,  I  believe  old  JAB 
will  romp  in  a  winner,  after  all !  I  haven't  taken  down  anything 
else,  except  his  wind-up,  when  of  course  he  managed  to  get  in  a  speech. 

Jab.  Believe  me,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  this  is  simply  the 
barefaced  attempt  to  bleed  and  mulct  a  poor  impecunious  Indian. 
For  it  is  incredihle  that  any  English  female,  or  genteel  upbring- 
ings and  the  lovely  and  beauteous  appearance  which  you  have 
all  beheld  in  this  box,  it  is  incredible,  I  say,  that  she  should 
seriously  desire  to  become  a  mere  unconsidered  unit  in  a  bevy 
of  Indian  brides !  How  is  she  possibly  to  endure  a  domestic  ex- 
istence exposed  to  the  slings  and  arrows  of  perpetual  snip-snaps 
from  various  native  aunts  and  sisters-in-law,  or  how  is  she  to 
reconcile  her  dainty  and  fastidious  stomach,  after  the  luscious  and 
appetising  fare  of  a  Bayswater  boarding-house,  to  simple,  un- 
ostentatious, and  frequently  repulsive  Indian  eatables?  No, 
Misters  of  the  jury,  as  warm-hearted  noble-minded  English 
gentlemen,  you  will  never  condemn  an  unfortunate  and  industri- 
ous native  graduate  and  barrister  to  make  a  cripple  of  his  career, 
and  burden  his  friends  and  his  families  with  such  a  bone  of  cqn- 
bention  as  a  European  better  half,  who  will  infallibly  plunge  him 
into  the  pretty  pickle  of  innumerable  family  jars !  I  shall  now 
vacate  th©  witness-box  in  favour  of  my  intimate  friend  and 
fatherly  benefactor,  Hon'ble  Sir  CHETWYND  CUMMERBUND,  who 
will  tell  you 

The  Judge  (rising).  Before  we  have  the  pleasure  of  seeing 
Sir  CHETWYND  here,  Mr.  JABBERJEE,  there  is  a  little  formality 
you  appear  to  have  overlooked.  The  plaintiff's  counsel  will 
probably  wish  before  you  leave  the  box  to  put  a  few  questions 


DECEMBER  5,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


269 


to  you  in  cross-examination,  and  that  must  stand  over  till  to- 
morrow. (At  this,  old  Jab's  jaw  falls  several  holes.) 

NOTE  BY  MB.  JABBERJEE. — Hereford  Eoad,  Bayswater. — I  am 
excessively  gratified  by  the  result  of  my  first  day's  trial,  being 
already  the  established  favourite  and  chartered  libertine  of  the 
whole  Court,  who  split  their  sides  at  my  slightest  utterances.  So 
I  am  no  longer  immeasurably  alarmed  by  the  prospect  of  being 
crossly  examined — especially  since  WITHBRINGTON,  Q.C.,  has 
abandoned  his  brief  in  despair  to  a  tongue-tied  junior,  who  is  in- 
competent to  exclaim  Bo!  at  a  goose.  Indeed,  I  have  some 
thoughts  of  declining  haughtily  to  be  interrogated  by  a  more 
underling. 

The  only  fly  in  the  ointment  of  my  success  is  the  utter  in- 
difference of  JESSIMINA  to  my  aforesaid  triumphs.  At  the  ter- 
mination of  the  hearing  to-day,  I  beheld  her  so  deeply  engrossed 
in  smiling  and  cordial  converse  with  the  smartly-attired  curly- 
headed  young  solicitor  who  is  acting  on  her  behalf  that  she  was 
totally  unconscious  of  my  vicinity ! 

Alackaday !  varium  et  mutabik  semper  fcemina  ! 


DARBY  JONES  ON  TURF  TOPICS- ESPECIALLY  BELGIAN. 

HONOURED  SIR, — It  may  perhaps  have  escaped  even  your 
Argus-like  eyes  that  the  Belgian  Government,  with  a  fatherly 
care,  which  would  not  disgrace  Mr.  JOHN  MORLEY  or  Sir  WIL- 
FRID LAWSON,  is  about  to  bring  in  a  Measure  for  the  Regulation 
of  Betting,  and,  I  may  add.  of  Touts  and  Turf  Prophets.  Should 
this  Bill  become  law,  speculation  on  all  Foreign  Races  will  be  pro- 
hibited, and  wagering  only  permitted  on  Home  Events.  Thus 
the  British  Exile  in  Brussels  will  no  longer  be  enabled  to  back  his 
fancy  for  the  Derby  or-  Leger  at  the  Taverne  Anglais  or  some 
other  home  of  the  Alien,  but  must  invest  his  francs  'personally  at 
Grcenendal  or  Spa.  It  is  a  magnificent  scheme  for  keeping  all 
the  ready  money  in  the  country,  and  it  comes  well  from  a 
country  whose  king  is  largely  interested  in  a  plan  for  converting 
Ostend  into  a  Northern  Monte  Carlo,  conveniently  adjacent  to 
the  oof-laden  shores  of  England,  whence  it  is  trusted  many 
pigeons  may  be  imported  in  exchange  for  the  rabbits  of  the 
locality.  The  sale  of  Racing  Information  will  also  be  prohibited. 
The  Belgian  DARBY  JONESES  are  to  have  their  eyes  put  out  like 
the  wretched  singing-birds  which,  sightless,  warble  for  wagers 
from  the  Scheldt  to  the  Meuse,  and  from  the  German  Ocean  to 
the  Prussian  frontier,  without  interference  from  the  authorities. 
Equally  the  journals  devoted  to  "  le  sport  "  will  be  forbidden  to 
insert  the  advertisements  of  tipsters,  so  I  suppose  that  our  own 
Eminent  Organs  of  the  Turf  will  be  denied  sale  at  the  kiosques, 
or  have  spaces  "blacked  out,"  after  the  custom  of  the  Russian 
Censors  or  the  Press. 

But  this  is  not  all.  Racecourses  are  to  be  licensed  by  Govern- 
ment for  betting  purposes,  the  gambling  to! be  carried  on  only  in 
certain  enclosures,  one  inside  and  another  butside,  admission  to 
which  will  be  given  on  payment  of  a  Premium  of  fifty  per  cent, 
on  the  entrance  money!  This  will  be  the  only  profit  which  race- 
courses are  to  derive  from  turf  speculation.  I  confess  that  I  do 
not  understand  the  last  article  of  the  New  Code.  Does  it  mean 
that  gate-money  is  to  be  abolished,  or  what  f*  Like  a  Member  of 
Parliament  at  question-time — I  pause  for  a  reply. 

In  The  Dodd  Family  Abroad,  honoured  Sir,  the  inimitable 
wit  of  CHARLES  LEVER  finds  abundant  scope  for  flourishing  like 
a  mango-tree  in  Western  Africa  over  the  description  of  a 
Belgian  racecourse.  Racing  among  les  braves  Beiges  was  then  in 
its  First  Childhood.  It  is  now  apparently  in  its  Second,  so  soon 
does  an  infant  not  indigenous  to  the  soil  perifsh  when  transplanted 
from  the  home  of  its  birth.  You  are  aware  that  I  am  personally 
in  favour  of  Licensed  Bookmakers  authorised  by  the  Jockey  Club, 
but  my  most  Utopian  ideas  never  soared \  to  the  spectacle  of 
Government  interference.  I  would  suggest  to  the  Belgian  au- 
thoritioa  that  only  Government  Meetings  should  be  allowed, 
under  the  supervision  of  a  Ministre  du  Spdrt  Hippique,  that  at 
these  gatherings  there  should  be  a  number  of  Knights  of  the 
Pencil  (Chevaliers  du  Crayon)  in  Uniform,  and  decorated  ac- 
cording to  their  grades,  that  the  Race-cards  should  be  Govern- 
ment Gazettes,  that  the  Jockeys  should  be  chozen  from  the  Bel- 
gian Cavalry  and  ride  inUniform,  that  the  Judge  should  be  selected 
from  the  Bench  of  the  Palais  de  Justice,  and  that  the  Horses 
engaged,  all  bearing  a  Government  Stamp,  should  only  be  those 
hard-working,  but  not  over  speedy  quadrupeds  for  which  the 
fair  land  of  Flanders  has  been  celebrated  from  time  immemorial, 
and  which  frequently  do  a  little  racing  between  the  shafts  of  a 
London  Omnibus. 

There  is  a  rock,  Sir,  off  the  east  coast  of  the  Land  of  Cakes 
known  as  the  Bass.  It  is  celebrated  as  the  breeding-place  of  that 
handsome  fowl  called  the  Solan  Goose.  It  appears  to  me  that 
Brussels  must  be  the  chosen  nesting  ground  of  a  less  well- 
favoured  bird,  the  Solon  Gander  to  wit.  And  now,  as  Sir 


SONGS    AND    THEIR    SINGERS.      No.    II. 


MATTHEW  WHITE  RIDLEY  might  put  it,  to  home  affairs.  I 
trust  that  you  did  well  at  Warwick.  It  is  useless  for  you  to 
deny  that  you  care  nothing  for  race-meetings.  I  could  not  be 
deceived  in  the  appearance  of  a  Distinguished  Personage,  who. 
although  disguised  in  blue  spectacles  and  a  sealskin  overcoat  or 
peerless  fit,  cut  me  as  dead  as  Exmoor  mutton  at  the  entrance  to 
TATTERSALL'S.  I  bear  no  malice  that  you  remembered  my 
advice  that  of  all  dangerous  folk  at  the  end  of  the  season 
none  are  comparable  to  the  Hibernian  Cohorts.  St.  Jarlath  was 
bound  to  annex,  bar  accidents,  the  Midland  Counties  Handicap, 
and  swell  the  receipts  of  the  whiskey  distillers  in  Dublin  and 
Belfast.  There  were  other  ripe  plums  for  those  who  are  about  to 
make  Christmas  puddings.  The  Lovely  Lady  wishes  me  to  say 
that  she  has  a  great  admiration  for  you.  As  a  Man  of  Honour  I 
give  her  message,  but  warn  you  that  your  future  conduct  will 
be  closely  watched  by 

Your  devoted,  but  suspicious  adherent,         DARBY  JONES. 

P.S. — At  Manchester  my  first  constellations  were  fairly  tele- 
scoped ;  but  I  trust  everyone  backed  my  Belgian  river,  like  a 
relation  of  the  Lord  Chancellor,  for  a  place.  One,  two,  three, 
is  ever  the  motto  of 

Yours,  sure  of  his  winter  provender,  D.  J. 

[DABBY  JONES'S  absurd  reference  to  blue  spectacles  and  a  sealskin  overcpa 
it,  on  a  par  with  his  statement  about  the  Lovely  Lady.  We  learn  that,  in- 
flated with  winning  a  few  pounds,  he  presumed  to  make  advances  to  the  sister 
of  an  Irish  gentleman,  and  received  the  just  reward  of  his  impertinence  from 
her  indignant  relative.  This  is  probably  what  he  tried  to  gloss  over  last 
week. — En.]  _____ 

RATHER  AN  UNSEASONABLE  PLACE  OF  HOSPITALITY. — "The 
Grand  Duke  NICHOLAS  of  Russia  is  visiting  at  Eis-grub." 


ETONIAN. — The  best  sequel  to  Mr.  ARTHUR  COLERIL-GE'S  Eton 
in  the  Forties  will  be  Largely  consumed  in  the  Nineties. 


SEASONABLE  BOOKSTALL  WEIGHTS. — Christmas  Numbers. 


270 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  5,  1896 


''LOOK,  GERALD!    YOUR  FATHER  AND  CAPTAIN  ARMSTRONG  ARE  GIVING  ELLA  A  LESSON  ON  THE  BICYCLE." 
YES,  MUMMIE  ;  BUT  WHY  DOES  ELLA  ALWAYS  FALL  OFF  ON  CAPTAIN  ARMSTRONG'S  SIDE?" 


A  VOICE  FROM  THE  BOX. 

An  Old  Whip  mi  the  new  Motor  Movement. 
' 'Bus-driver  loquitur  : — 

Kim  urp!    Yus,  a  dirtyish  day,  Sir,  and 

orkurd  for  'osses,  it  are. 
But,  lor  bless  yer,  they'll  soon  alter  that; 

all  along  o'  this  yere  Horter-car ! 
Ho!   ho!     I  must    larf,  if    I   die   for   it. 

Horter-car !    'Old  urp,  old  gal ! 
Mare 's  a-snigghng,  too,  'anged  if  she  isn't, 

my  old  wheeler,  flea-bitten  Sal. 
No  wonder !    She  saw  the  percession  of  ile- 

cans  and  tea-kettles.     Yus  ; 
And  she,  who's  the  best  bit  o'  stuff  ever 

druv  in  a  tuppenny  'bus, 
'Itched  her  whisp  of  a  tail  that  expressive, 

it  meant  'arf  a  column,  at  least ! 
Oh  1  'osses  can   talk  with  their  tails,  Sir, 

pertikler  my  Sal,  pore1  old  beast ! 
Hay !     Wot  do  I  think  o'  them  motors  ? 

Ah !  now,  Sir,  you  've  nailed  me,  you 

ave. 
Think?     Well,   I'm  an  aged  old  crock  as 

must  soon  be  tucked  up  in  my  grave, 
And  maybe  my  opinion 's  no  matter,   but 

lor !  Sir,  if  you  'ad  been  born, 
In  a  manner  o'  speakin',  like  me,  in  a  sta- 
ble ;  if  fodder  and  corn, 
And  the  whiff  of  the  freshly-forked  litter 

came  sweet  on  yer  nateral  nose 
As  the  smell  from  a  strorberry  bed,  or  the 

sniff  of  a  fresh  cabbage-rose, 
You  'd  know  wot  I  f eel  when  those  ile-cans 

come  snortin'  and  fumin'  along. 
Talk  o'  paraffine  lamps  ?    Wy,  the  coster's 

red  naphtha-flames  don't  smell  more 

strong 


Than  did  one  of  those  wobbly  old  wotsits 

a-womiting  fumes  as  it  went. 
Like  a  baked-tater  can  with  the  staggers. 

"  That 's  all  narsty  sour  discontent 
Of  an  old  'un  fair  knocked  out  o'  time.'' 

That 's  jest  wot  I  '11  be  told,  I  've  no 

doubt, 
And  that  HARRY  J.  LAWSON  will  chuckle 

and    chortle.      All     right!     It's     his 

shout ! 
Going  to  hire  Epsom  track  for  a  Motor 

race !     Moses  I      Wot   next,    and  wot 

next  ? 
Just  imagine  a  Motor-car  Derby  ! ! !     Kim 

urp,  S'aZ  /     The  old  mare  is  vext ; 
I   know    by  that    twitch   of    her    off-ear. 

She 's  fly !     Now  a  'oss  is  a  thing — 
Or  I  should  say  a  crittur,  perhaps,  seeing 

t'other  word  carries  a  sting — 
Mark  me,  mister,  wot 's  made  for  a  man's 

mate,  or  servant,  but  likeways  a  chum, 
In  a  manner  o'  speaking.     A  'oss,  though 

pheelosophers  label  it  "  dumb," 
Can    talk  more   sound   sense    than   some 

spouters   in   Hyde   Park,   and   Parly- 

ment,  too. 
I'd  rayther  hear  Sal  than  KEIB  HAEDIE, 

TOM  MANN,  or  a  pooty  good  few 
Who  are   oertny  not   'osses,    but   basses. 

With  'osses  I  Ve  lived  all  my  life. 
And  I  'm  hanged  if  I  don't  understand  'em 

far  better  than  chum,  kid,  or  wife. 
Wy,    flea-bitten   Sal  'as  got   ways   as   is 

better  nor  patter  to  me. 
We  intertwig  rust  rate,  we  do ;    and  the 

feel  of  the  ribbons,  d'yer  see, 
And  the  swing  o'  the  whip-y-well,  they  're 

human,  fair  human,  Sir,  that's  wot 

they  are. 


But  a  tin  o'  petroleum  ile,  and  a  wheel,  on 

a  wobbly  old  car, 
No  reins,  and  no  chink?  and  no  hoof-clack, 

but  only  a  ghostlyish  look, 
As  though  the  old  'oss  was  still  there,  but 

had  somehow  got  turned  to  a  spook, 
Seeing  as  how  there  's  its  place,  and  it 's 

wanted ! — Oh  lor  1  it 's  uncanny,  it  is ! 
Come  to  stay  ?    Well,  it  may  be  they  are, 

Sir,  but — I  shall  not  take  to  the  biz  ! 
I  'm  a  leetle  too  old  and  too  set  to  take  on 

with  this  motor  fal-lal. 
And  perhaps  they  may  find,  arter  all,  that 

the  'oss  has  its  use.     Kim  urp,  Sal ! 


COVENTRY 

BORN  JULY  23,  1823. 


PATMORE. 

DIED  Nov.  26,  1896. 


POET  of  Home,  and  of  High  Faith, 

In  thy  serene,  yet  fervent,  page, 
For  youth  is  pleasure  without  scathe, 

And  fireside  cheer  for  mellowing  age. 
The  sensuous  taint,  the  tawdry  trope, 

Uranian  Venus  may  not  move- ; 
Thine  are  the  higher  joys  of  Hope, 

The  unvenal  Victories  of  Love. 
The  Unknown  Eros  was  thy  theme, 

The  raptures  of  the  spirit  spouse 
To  him  were  no  elusive  dream 

Who  wrote  The  Angel  in  the  House ! 


At  Monte  Carlo. 

First  Briton.  One  never  sees  any  young 
girls  here. 

Second  Briton  (brutally  inclined).  No! 
the  ladies  are  obliged  to  be  trente  et  qua- 
rante  to  match  the  tables. 


H 

w 

fej 


DECEMBER  5,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


273 


NEW  SPORTING  DICTIONARY  OF  FAMILIAR  LATIN  PHRASES. 

ABS   EST   CELARE  ARTEM.       "APR^S  VOUS,    MADEMOISELLE!" 


BEWARE  ! 

(A  Warning  to  the  Unwise  or  Unwary  Wooer  of 
the  Modern  Witch,  Speculation.  ) 

After  Longfellow. 

[It  is  said  that  the  system  of  "Trusts,"  which 
has  wrought  so  much  wrong  and  corruption  in 
America,  is  likely  to  be  energetically  pushed  in 
this  country.] 

I  KNOW  a  System  fair  to  see, 
Take  care! 

It  can  both  false  and  specious  be, 
Beware  !  beware  1 
"Trusts"  bring  "rot," 
They  mean  fooling  thee  ! 

When  there  's  a  "  rise,"  thou  'It  be  done 

brown, 
Take  care  1 


And  Mow  'It  pay  up  when  things  go  down, 
Beware  !  beware  ! 
"  Trusts  "  trust  not  ! 
They  may  ruin  thee  ! 

She  —  Speculation  —  is  a  "  do," 

Take  car-j! 
Syndicates  say  what  is  not  true, 

Beware!  beware! 

Or  "bull"  or  "bear," 

Trust  them  not, 

They  will  diddle  thee  I 

She  makes  —  in  coal  or  cars  —  a  Co., 

Take  care  ! 
She  knows  how  shams  may  make  a  show, 

Beware  !  beware  ! 

Trust  her  not, 

She  is  gulling  thee  ! 

She  offers  thee  a  fortune  fair  ; 

Take  care  ! 
She  makes  fool's-caps  —  for  thee  to  wear  ! 

Beware  !  beware  ! 

The  Yankee  "  rot  " 

She  will  bring  on  thee  ! 


SriTABLE    TOAST   FOR   MOTOR-CAR   COM- 
PANIES.—" So  mote  it  be  !  " 


CAUSING  AN  EYE-LIFT. 

(A  Fragment  a  V Ibsen.) 

He  (with  bitterness).  It  was  your  fault 
that  we  lost  the  child. 

She  (staring  at  him  after  taking  a  glass 
of  champagne).  How  was  it  my  fault? 

He.  You  would  not  attend  to  him  on 
the  boat. 

She  (pleadingly) .  But  he  seemed  so  com- 
fortable on  the  paddle-box. 

He  (after  a  pause).  But  you  would  eat 
and  drink.  You  remember  you  took  six 
stale  sponge  cakes,  and  four  ham  sand- 
wiches, and  some  Bath  buns. 

She  (with  a  curious  smile).  And  a  large 
plate  or  pork  pie.  You  will  not  forget  the 
pork  pie ! 

He  (with  a  shudder) .  Yes,  you  certainly 
took  a  great  deal  of  pork  pie.  And  then 
you  drank — 

She  (eagerly) .   Yes,  what  did  I  drink  ? 

He  (slowly).  You  drank  two  bottles  of 
stout  and  some  sherbet,  and  a  glass  of 
ginger-beer  and  a  tumbler  of  sherry. 

She  (with  exultation).  And  plenty  of 
champagne !  Don't  forget  the  champagne ! 
I  had  plenty  of  champagne. 

He  (thoughtfully)  •  Yes  ;  you  said  it  was 
a  remedy  for  sea-sickness,  and  certainly  it 
was  very  rough.  And  then,  when  you  had 
eaten  all  this  and  drunk  all  that,  you  lost 
the  child ! 

She.   Yes ;  he  fell  overboard ! 

He.  And  you,  too,  went  to  the  side  of 
the  vessel.  You  put  your  head  facing  the 
water. 

She  (with  a  shudder).  But  not  to  look 
for  the  child!  (After  a  pause.)  But 
speak  no  more  about  it.  It's  enough  to 
make  one  sick! 

observation  carried  nem.  con. 
Curtain. 


THE  CARETAKER  OP  ALL  MEN'S  HOTJSES. 
—Time. 


OYSTERS. 

(A  Fragment.) 

THE  Doctor  and  the  Analyst 

Walked  on  a  mile  or  so, 
And  then  they  rested  by  a  bar 

Conveniently  low ; 
And  all  the  little  oysters  stood 

And  waited,  in  a  ronr. 

"The  time  has  come,"  the  Doctor  said, 

"  To  ask  how  there  can  be 
At  Grimsby,  or  at  Cleethorpes, 

Or  Southend  on  the  Sea, 
Bold,  bad  bacilli  branded  by 

Bacteriology." 

"Our  characters,"  the  oysters  cried, 

"  Depend  upon  our  chat ; 
We  'd  like  to  prove  how  good  we  are, 

So  luscious  and  so  fat." 
"  No  hurry !  "  said  the  Analyst. 

They  thanked  him  much  for  that. 
"  A  microscope,"  the  Doctor  said, 

"  Is  what  we  chiefly  need  ; 
Carbolic  antiseptic,  too, 

Is  very  good  indeed; 
Now  if  you  're  ready,  oysters  dear, 

We  '11  look  before  we  feed." 

"  But  not  at  us,"  the  oysters  cried, 

Turning  a  little  green, 
A  tint  investigators  not 

Infrequently  have  seen. 
"  A  microscope,"  the  Doctor  said, 

"Is  such  a  nice  machine." 

"  It  was  so  kind  of  you  to  come 

This  matter  to  decide." 
The  Analyst  said  nothing  but 

"  I  Ve  put  some  on  the  slide, 
Just  ascertain  from  what  disease 

We  might  so  soon  have  died." 
"Why,  lilpss  my  soul,"  the  Doctor  said, 

"  It  would  have  done  the  trick ! 
Just  look  at   all  those  germs,    they  're 
quite 

Enough  to  make  one  sick." 
The  Analyst  said  nothing  but 

"  They  are  uncommon  thick." 

"  I  weep  for  you,"  the  Doctor  said, 

"  But  I  would  rather  not 
Partake  of  you  in  any  form, 

Not  even  boiling  hot ; 
No  doubt  you  are  not  all  as  bad, 

But  you  're  a  doubtful  lot." 

"  Oh,  Doctors,"  said  the  oysters  then, 

"  If  thus  you  cut  and  run, 
Shall  we  be  trotting  home  again  ?  " 

But  answer  came  there  none — 
The  learned  men  had  fled,  they  dared 

Not  eat  a  single  one. 


THE  RESULT  OF  THE  BOARD  SCHOOL 
SYSTEM. 

Teacher.  Why  do  we  rejoice  on  Christmas 
Day? 

Advanced  Pupil  (shrilly).  'Cos  WILLIAM 
THE  FIRST,  surnamed  the  Conk'ror,  was 
crowned  Mo-narch  of  England  on  this  an- 
niwersary.  [Goes  up  to  top  of  class. 


At  the  Palette  Club. 

First  Artist  (after  the  election  of  the 
F.  E.  A.).  Well,  I  am  surprised!  A  little 
bird  whispered  to  me  thai>- — 

Second  Artist  (interrupting).  Can't  you 
see  that  an  old  POYNTER  proves  where  the 
little  bird  lies? 

NOTE  BY  OUR  IRREPRESSIBLE  JOKER  (once 
more  at  large). — Could  not  a  broker  on 
'Change  be  correctly  described  as  a  "Va- 
riety Agent "  ? 


274  PUNCH,     OR     THE    LONDON     CHARIVARI.  [DECEMBER  5,  1896. 


DECEMBER  5,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


275 


Doctor  (to  Patient,  wJw  complains  of  a  touch  of  gout}.  "WELL,  MY  DEAR  SIR,  I  AM  NOT  ASTONISHED.    YOUR  BUTLER  TELLS  ME  YOU 

DRANK  THE  BEST  PART  OF  A   BOTTLE  OF  PORT   LAST   NIGHT  !  " 

Jovial  Patient.  "  QUITE  THE  BEST  PART,  DOCTOR.    You  DON'T  MEAN  TO  SAY  YOU  EXPECTED  ME  TO  SWALLOW  THE  CRUST  AND  THE 
CORK  AS  WELL  ? " 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

A  Godfather  lids  good -speed  to  his  Goddaughter 
coming  out  at  a  County  Sail. 

TO-NIGHT  you  leave  behind  old  joy, 
The  school-room  task,  the  nursery  toy, 
The  romp  with  merry  girl  and  boy, 

To  plunge  into  Society — 
A  county  ball  the  trysting  place. 
Through  many  measures  you  will  race 
And  for  a  while — a  little  space — 

Will  deem  you  Ve  found  satiety  1 

The  local  swains  will  claim  your  hand, 

To  foot  it  to  an  awful  band, 

And  yet  you  '11  think  the  meeting  grand, 

One  full  of  animation! 
Your  lady-mother's  watchful  eye 
Will  see  no  "  detrimental "  shy 
Shall  ask  a  dance.     The  reason  why, 

Your  future  destination! 

Your  lady-mother,  too,  will  view 
With  radiant  smile  some  snobkin  new 
Who  takes  an  interest  in  you, 

A  fresh  and  fair  distraction ! 
The  Lord  Lieutenant's  son  may  claim 
A  valse  or  polka — while  your  flame 
May  p'r'aps  attract  young  What's-his- 
Name, 

A  Moth  that  loves  attraction  I 

But  still,  if  I  know  you  aright, 
Dear  little  girl !  so  true !  so  bright ! 
You  '11  somehow  please  yourself  to-night, 
^  And  make  your  own  diversion  1 
You'll  find  a  Someone  who  will  catch 
Your  style,  your  very  tripping  match, 
And  so,  despite  Mamma,  you  '11  snatch 
Yourself  from  her  coercion! 


Dance  on !  while  yet  the  blood  is  young, 
Before  life  's  cares  their  shade  have  flung. 
'Tis  good  the  song  of  old  is  sung 

For  you  and  all  creation ! 
This  is  the  dawning  of  your  day. 
This  is  the  promise  of  your  May. 
Know  it,  while  hearts  are  leal  alway 

To  their  own  beats'  pulsation ! 

Time  for  the  weariness  of  years ! 
Time  for  the  shedding  of  the  tears ! 
Time  for  the  sorrows  and  the  fears ! 

But  leave  them  to  the  gloaming ! 
Now,  when  the  ship  is  sent  to  sea, 
When  sun  is  kind  and  wind  is  free, 
Give  sail  with  happy  shout  of  glee, 

Give  sail  until  the  homing  1 


CANINE   SAGACITY. 
EXTRAORDINARY  MEMORY  IN  A  DOG, 

DEAR  SIB,  —  Seeing  that  you  have 
opened  your  columns  to  letters  on  the 
subject  of  "  canine  sagacity,"  I  thought 
that  your  readers  might  be  interested  in 
the  following  true  story  of  canine  memory. 

I  possess  a  retriever  named  Eucalyptus, 
of  remarkable  intelligence,  although  now 
getting  on  in  years.  The  animal  is  very 
affectionate  so  far  as  my  family  is  con- 
cerned, and  his  only  failing  is  a  disposition 
to  snap  at  every  stranger  who  appears  in 
sight.  I  must  confess  that  his  attitude  to- 
wards the  postman  and  milkman  leaves 
much  to  be  desired,  but  probably  these 
people  have  given  him  good  cause  for  irri- 
tation, by  their  propensity  for  teasing. 

A  sailor  cousin  of  mine  was  home  from 
the  sea  about  seven  years  ago.  He  paid 
me  a  visit,  and  (I  think)  took  a  dislike  to 


Eucalyptus.  At  any  rate,  on  leaving,  he 
deliberately  tantalised  the  dog  (who  was 
at  a  window)  by  offering  him  a  large  bone, 
and  then  throwing  it  over  the  wall,  before 
his  eyes.  I  told  my  cousin  at  the  time 
that  the  dog  would  never  forgive  him,  but 
he  only  laughed.  Now  for  the  sequel.  A 
fortnight  ago,  I  received  a  second  visit 
from  my  cousin  (his  first  had  lasted  two 
days,  the  only  time  that  Eucalyptus  had 
ever  seen  him),  and  within  two  minutes 
of  his  arrival  I  heard  a  snarl  and  a  snap. 

Eucalyptus  had  bitten  him  in  the  leg ! 

For  seven  years  that  dog  had  cherished 
his  feelings  of  resentment  over  the  bone 
incident,  and  instantaneously  recognising 
the  author  of  the  wrong,  he  had  wreaked 
his  vengeance  accordingly ! 

Yours  faithfully,        "  COLONIAL." 


A  SONG  OF  THE  EOAD. 

TINKLE,  twinkle,  motor-car, 
Just  to  tell  us  where  you  are, 
While  about  the  streets  you  fly 
Like  a  comet  in  the  sky. 

When  the  blazing  sun  is  "off," 
When  the  fog  breeds  wheeze  and  cough, 
Bound  the  corners  as  you  scour 
With  your  dozen  miles  an  hour — 

Then  the  traveller  in  the  dark. 
Growling  some  profane  remark, 
Would  not  know  which  way  to  go 
While  you  're  rushing  to  and  fro. 

On  our  fears,  then,  as  you  gloat 
(Ours  who  neither  "  bike  "  nor  "  mote  ") , 
Just  to  tell  us  where  you  are — 
Tinkle,  twinkle,  motor-car. 


276 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  5,  1896. 


THE    COURSE    OF   JUSTICE. 

May  (threatened  with  punishment).  "Now,  DADDY,  IT'S  NO  USE.    You 
AYN'T  MAKE  ME  CRY,  'CAUSE  I  'VE  GOT  ON  A  CLEAN  PINAFORE  ! " 


ROUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

(Letters  from  Mr.  £.  to  his  Nephew  at  Cambridge,  aiul  to  Others.} 

No.  III.— OF  FOGEYDOM— OF  YOUNG  MEN  AND  OLD— OF  THE 
MAKING  OF  FRIENDS. 

MY  DEAR  JACK, — We  were  speaking  of  friends  and  friendship 
when  I  broke  off  my  last  letter.  Before  I  say  any  more  about 
this  subject  I  wish  to  enter  a  protest.  In  your  letter  to  me  you 
speak  of  one  of  your  respected  dons  as  "a  regular  old  fogey." 
Now,  JACK,  is  this  fair  or  kind.  The  gentleman  whom  you  so 
contemptuously  describe  was  a  freshman  when  I  took  my  degree ! 
If  he  is  ancient,  what  am  I  ?  If  he  is  to  have  a  mansion  in  the 
dull  realms  of  fogeydom,  I,  your  uncle,  must  have  a  habitation 
there.  I  tell  you  honestly  I  don't  like  to  be  relegated;  cvon  by 
implication,  to  dust  and  obscurity.  No  doubt  you  will  answer 
that  the  Reverend  Mr.  BIFRONS  is  as  bald  as  a  coot,  while  your 
uncle  still  uses  a  hard  brush  for  the  arrangement  of  his  hyacinth- 
ine  locks,  but  I  cannot  allow  you  to  escape  so  easily.  I  know 
DICKY  BIFRONS  well,  but  when  I  think  of  him  he  appears  to  me 
as  a  lad  with  a  head  of  tousled  hair,  a  particularly  pink  com- 

Elexion,  and  not  the  slightest  indication  of  a  beard.  I  trust 
e  holds  as  pleasant  a  memory  of  me.  Youth  and  age  are 
mere  terms ;  they  represent  no  absolute  and  invariable 
realities.  The  oldest  man  I  ever  knew  was  TOM  SKINNER,  a 
freshman  of  my  year.  At  eighteen  he  was  a  dried-up  man  of 
the  world,  a  withered  compendium  of  depravity,  for  whom  life 
had  no  savour  left.  He  posed  as  a  terrible  killer  of  ladies,  and 
hinted  darkly  that  the  domestic  happiness  of  a  certain  married 
Professor  depended  upon  his  reticence.  None  of  us  took  him 
seriously  ;  his  antics  and  affectations  were  food  for  endless  chaff. 
Once  when,  in  pulling  out  his  handkerchief,  he  dropped  a  photo- 
graph on  the  floor,  and  made  a  great  show  of  picking  it  up 
hurriedly  and  hiding  it  away  lest  prying  eyes  should  discover  the 
secret  of  his  latest  intrigue,  we  sprang  upon  him,  wrenched  his 
treasure  from  him,  and  discovered  a  likeness  of  SKINNER  himself, 
taken  in  cap  and  gown,  for  the  delectation  of  his  family  circle. 
Somewhere  in  the  provinces,  I  believe,  he  still  lives  on,  a  battered 
exemplar  of  immorality,  a  fountain  of  stale  and  tainted  stories 


for  the  young  bloods  of<  his  district.  If  you  asked  me,  on  the 
other  hand,  to  name  my  youngest  friend,  I  should  point  to  dear 
old  LUCAS.  Three  years  divide  him  from  eighty ;  and  in  what 
other  man  can  you  find  so  keen  a  zest  in  life,  so  hearty  and  fresh 
an  appreciation  of  all  that  is  good  and  honourable  and  humorous 
and  friendly,  so  ardent  a  delight  in 

Youth  and  bloom  and  this  delightful  world. 

His  life  has  been  passed  in  a  constant  and  eager  activity,  yet  he 
is  not  wearied,  and  his  laugh  rings  as  full  and  true  as  that  of 
the  youngest  man  amongst  you. 

And  now  as  to  your  friends  and  the  making  of  them.  You 
need  not,  of  course,  be  over-genial  or  gushing  as  I  have  known 
some  men  to  be.  But,  on  the  other  hand,  I  would  not  have  you 
to  choose  this  man  or  to  reject  another  as  a  friend  in  a  cold 
spirit  of  calculation^  because,  after  observing  him  carefully,  you 
judge  him  to  be  suitable  or  otherwise  for  the  high  privilege  of 
your  friendship.  I  call  this  the  commercial  principle  applied  to 
friendship,  and  for  myself  I  never  could  endure  it.  Some 
men,  only  a  few,  I  am  thankful  to  believe,  adopt  it  and  act  on  it, 
but  most  of  us  would  abhor  the  notion  of  treating  pur  hearts  as 
though  they  were  ledgers,  entering  a  man's  qualities  on  a  sort 
of  debtor  and  creditor  account,  and  striking  a  balance  for  him, 
as  thus :  — 

Mr.  HENRY  BROWN  in  account  with  J.  ROUNDABOUT. 


Dr. 

A  loud  laugh. 
Untidy  clothes. 
Great  devotion  to  books. 
A  provincial  accent. 


Or. 

Perfect  amiability. 
"Willingness  to  oblige. 
Unselfishness. 
A  full  blue  for  hammer-throwing. 


Leaving  a  small  balance  of  friendship  for  poor  BROWN  to  draw 
upon.  You  can't  choose  your  friends  as  you  do  your  tailor, 
your  gyp,  the  pattern  of  your  clothes,  or  the  style  of  your  neck- 
ties. If  a  man  has  the  true  qualities,  and  you  are  fortunate 
enough  to  meet  him,  you  cannot  but  choose  to  make  him  your 
friend,  and  that  without  conscious  effort  on  your  part  or  his. 
I  am  assuming  that  you,  too,  have  the  true  qualities,  but  the 
assumption  is  not  a  dangerous  one,  for,  if  I  know  you  at  all,  I 
know  you  are  what  a  lad  should  be — manly,  candid,  honourable, 
unselfish,  not  personally  vain,  and  a  hater  of  meanness.  You 
meet  another  youngster  in  a  tub  on  the  river,  you  exchange  a 
few  words,  he  makes  you  laugh,  you  walk  up  together,  something 
in  his  manner  and  his  looks  attracts  you,  the  sympathetic  glow 
begins  and  you  exchange  confidences.  He  comes  from  Winter- 
house,  you  were  a  Charchester  boy,  you  were  both  in  your 
respective  football  and  cricket  teams,  you  both  think  tubbing 
dull — will  he  come  to  your  rooms  after  hall  and  smoke  a  pipft? 
Probably  at  the  end  of  the  day  each  of  you  will  have  acquired 
a  life-long  friend.  But  neither  of  you  thought  about  the  pro- 
cess. A  man  may  be  on  the  surface  all  that  hoary  moralists 
appro ve-^-steady,  sober,  thrifty,  and  all  that,  but  at  heart  he  may 
be  a  prig,  a  humbug,  and  a  mean  rascal.  Your  instinct  will 
keep  you  from  him,  however  much  elderly  ignoramuses  may 
urge  you  to  choose  so  steady  a  model  for  your  friend.  When 
a  man  is  urgently  recommended  to  my  affection,  I  care  not  by 
whom,  on  the  ground  of  his  goodness,  his  sobriety,  and  so 
forth,  I  feel  towards  him  something  of  the  feeling  that  comes 
over  me  when  in  a  book  of  essays  I  read  as  the  head-note  to 
one  of  them,  "  Lecture  delivered  at  the  three  hundredth  meet- 
ing of  the Mutual  Improvement  Association."  The  essay 

may  be  excellent,  but,  such  is  human  nature,  I  regard  it  with 
suspicion,  and  it's  ten  to  one  I  don't  read  it.  So  with  the 
recommended  man.  I  shun  him.  Trust  to  your  ir.Ktiuct  in 
these  matters,  and  being  what  you  are  you  won't  go  far  wrong. 

I  go  to  Bracewells  on  Thursday  to  shoot  at  some  of  the 
pheasants.  There  will  be  a  few  birds  left  for  you  to  have  a  pop  at 
about  Christmas  time. 

Ever  your  affectionate  uncle,          ROBERT  ROUNDABOUT. 


In  a  County  Court. 

Judge  (to  Mr.  PETTIPHOG,  plaintiff's  solicitor).  I  really  cannot 
see  that  you  have  proved  the  defendant's  means. 

Mr.  P.  (excitedly,  to  defendant).  No  means!  How  did  you 
get  here,  Sir  ? 

Defendant.  I  walked. 

Mr.  P.  Where  did  you  get  the  boots  to  walk  in  ? 

Defendant.  I  borrowed  them. 

Mr.  P.  (triumphantly).  On  what  security,  Sir,  on  what 
security  ? 

Defendant.  On  the  fact  that  you  had  taken  up  the  case  against 
me.  [General  merriment.  No  order. 


DECEMBER  12,  1896.] 


277 


DEJECTION. 

IN  REVIEWING  THE  CHRISTMAS  GlFTS  RECEIVED  FROM  HIS  RELA- 
TIONS, OUR  BACHELOR  FRIEND  GoLDING  FEELS  THAT  WITH  AN  EFFORT 
HE  CAN  STAND  THE  WOOLLEN  COMFORTER  AND  SOCKS,  THE  GOOSE,  THE 
IRON  POT  GILDED,  THE  FLOWER-STAND  OF  FIR-CONES,  THE  PALETTE 
LOOKING-GLASS  (CRACKED  IN  TRANSIT),  THE  BIRD-CAGE,  AND  EVEN  THE 
IMITATION  BRONZE,  BUT  HE  THINKS  HE  MIGHT  HAVE  BEEN  SPARED  THE 
PORTRAIT  OF  HIMSELF  IN  OILS,  PAINTED  AS  A  PLEASANT  SURPRISE  BY 
COUSIN  EMMA  FROM  A  "SNAP-SHOT." 


LETTEKS  OP  MAKJOKLE  AND  GLADYS. 

II.— ABOUT  ASTROLOGY  AND  THINGS  OF  THAT  SORT. 

DEAREST  MARJORIE, — I  wonder  how  you  can  be  surprised  at 
my  liking  for  "  trivial  people,"  as  you  call  them,  after  my  unfor- 
tunate experience  of  serious  young  men.  Of  ORIEL,  the  less 
said  the  better ;  and  I  do  not  look  back  with  much  pleasure  on  my 
engagement  to  ARTHUR,  whose  high  principles,  vile  temper,  and 
determination  to  play  Halma  with  me  every  evening  drove  me  to 
desperation  and  those  practical  jokes  that  led  to  our  disunion. 
However,  you  will  own  I  am  less  frivolous,  when  I  tell  you  I  have 
taken  to  believing  in  palmistry,  combined  with  physiognomy, 
table-turning,  and  even  a  touch  of  astrology.  Mrs.  VANDELEUR 
has  a  friend,  a  real  Professor,  who  goes  into  a  trance  and  reveals 
the  past  for  one  guinea !  Isn't  it  cheap  ?  He  also  delineates 
one's  character  in  the  most  wonderful  way  by  a  photograph. 
You  send  it  under  a  false  name,  in  a  disguised  hand.  I  believe 
one  might  even  send  someone  else's  photograph,  and  he  is  so 
clever  that  it  makes  no  difference  whatever.  He  told  me  that 
the  ear  being  placed  on  the  side  of  the  head  is  a  sign  of  quick 
temper,  avarice,  and  a  dislike  to  arithmetic.  He  never  flatters. 

Mrs.  VANDELEUR  says  he  must  be  genuine,  because  he  lives  in 
the  Edgeware  Road.  He  also  does  crystal-gazing,  and  he  told 
Mrs.  VANDELEUR  when  she  went  to  see  him.  that  he  saw  her  in 
the  crystal  in  a  dark-blue  dress  with  a  yellow  front — the  very 
dress  she  was  wearing  at  that  moment !  You  may  be  sceptical, 
but  you  must  own  that  was  a  rather  extraordinary  coincidence ! 

You  asked  me  for  specimens  of  modern  methods  of  flirting.     A 


rather  good  instance  would  be  CECIL  CARINGTON  and  Mrs.  VANDE- 
LEUR. CECIL  is  the  black-ribbon-watch-chain  boy  whom  I  usec 
to  like,  and  she  is  a  dear  little  woman  who  adores  Ai'r.  VANDE- 
LEUR. (I  think,  myself,  Mr.  VANDELEUK  knows  far  too  much 
about  stained-glass  windows,  and  lets  you  know  it.)  She-  much 
amused  at  CECIL'S  evident  wish  that  she  should  have  a  hopeless 
admiration  for  him.  He  is  quite  a  child,  and  longs  to  have  i1 
whispered — as  loudly  as  possible,  and  on  the  housetops — that  he 
goes  about  compromising  people,  and  breaking  up  happy  homes, 
&c.  The  joke  of  it  is  that  if  Mrs.  VANDELEUK  could  take  the 
slightest  interest  in  anyone  except  Mr.  VANDELEUB  (which  she 
couldn't),  it  would  be  someone  who  has  lived  and  suffered,  with 
hair  growing  a  little  grey  on  the  temples.  A  weary  smile  woulc 
be  essential. 

CECIL  is  nineteen,  and  looks  much  younger.  Here  's  a  conver- 
sation they  had  in  the  Park  :  — 

Cecil  (in  his  earlier  manner,  not  knowing  what  he  means,  but 
intending  to  dazzle  by  a  strong  statement) .  I  should  like  to  burn 
you,  like  spice,  on  the  altar  or  a  devoted  friendship ! 

Mrs.  Vandeleur  (literal,  fervent,  and  demure).  It's  very  kind 
of  you,  Mr.  CARINGTON,  especially  as  I  know  you  only  say  so 
out  of  politeness. 

Cecil.  Wouldn't  that  be  carrying  good  manners  rather  farP 

Mrs.  V.  (smiles,  and  changes  the  subject.  Pointing  to  me  with 
her  parasol).  There 's  GLADYS  LESLIE,  in  quite  tight  sleeves. 

Cecil  (as  if  apologetic).  Yes.  I  suppose  she  doesn't  know 
they  're  coming  in  again. 

Mrs.  V.  How  horrid  of  you  !     How  nice  and  fresh  she  looks ! 

Cecil  (seeking  to  ingratiate  by  disparagement  of  her  frifnd).  As 
fresh  as  paint. 

Mrs.  V.  Oh,  Mr.  CARINGTON  !  you  don't  really  mean 

Cecil.  Well,  I  should  almost  fancy  she  did  make  up  the  least 
little  bit  in  the  world,  if 

Mrs.  V.  If  what  ? 

Cecil  (speaking  for  effect  and  not  from  malice).  If  I  didn't 
know  it  for  a  fact. 

Mrs.  V.  (slightly  gratified).  You  know  too  much.    You  mustn't 


I  want  to  ask  you  a 


talk  of  my  friends  like  that. 

Cecil.  May  I  talk  about  you  instead? 
great  favour. 

Mrs.  V ' .  Isn't  that  talking  about  yourself? 

Cecil.  It 's  to  ask  if  I  may  come  and  see  you. 

Mrs.  V.  I  am  at  home  on  Thursdays. 

Cecil.  Then  may  I  come  all  the  other  days  ? 

Mrs.  V.  What,  when  I'm  out?     Is  that  quite  polite? 

Cecil  (reproachfully).  Is  that  quite  kind? 

Mrs.  V.  You  may  come  on  Sunday. 

Cecil.  Every  Sunday? 

Mrs.  V.  Every  Sunday  for  a  fortnight. 

Cecil.  And  may  the  fortnight  begin  to-day? 

Mrs.  V.  Certainly. 

Cecil  (in  a  low  voice).  And  will  you  be  surrounded  by  crowds 
of  people  ? 

Mrs.   V.  Well,  you  haven't  given  me  much  time,  but  I'll  do 
my  best  by  this  afternoon.     I  '11  try  to  get  up  a  juvenile  party 

for  you. 

*  *  •  *  *  * 

Can  you  tell  me  what  I  ought  to  wear  at  a  spiritualistic  seance  ? 
A  low  dress  seems  too  much,  and  yet  a  hat  seems  somehow  wrong. 
Would  green  be  a  nice  colour  to  wear  to  have  your  horoscope 
iast  in  ?  I  think  a  chiffon  blouse — and  perhaps  tan  gloves — not 
white.  Do  advise  me.  It 's  at  eight  o'clock.  With  best  love, 
Ever  your  affectionate  friend,  GLADYS. 


A  FIRST-CLASS  RAILWAY  PASSENGER. — "  General  Sir  ROBERT 
BIDDULPH,  K.C.B.,  G.C.M.G.,"  says  the  Daily  News,  "Governor 
of  Gibraltar,  arrived  at  Plymouth,  yesterday,  on  board  the  P. 
and  O.  steamer  Caledonia,  which  arrived  from  Bombay,  and  came 
on  to  London  by  train."  What  with  motor-cars  that  stick  in  the 
mud  whilst  the  promoters  empty  the  pockets  of  confiding  specta- 
;ors ;  what  with  water-wheels  that  stop  out  all  night ;  what  with 
the  new  Brighton  railway  that  is  neither  boat  nor  railway  car- 
riage, we  are  coming  to  great  things  in  locomotion.  But  this 
>erformance  of  the  Caledonia  beats  all.  Fancy  a  vessel  of  8,000 
ons,  just  arrived  from  Bombay,  quietly  taking  the  train,  going 
on  to  London,  probably  dining  at  its  club,  andlooking  in  at  the 
theatre  afterwards!  Sir  THOMAS  SUTHERLAND  has  worked 
narvels  since  he  took  direction  of  P.  and  O.  affairs,  and  this  is 
us  latest. 

History  (as  she  is  written). 

-First  Lady.  Now  what  do  you  think  started  this  Matabele  war  ? 
Second  Lady.  Well,  I  think  it  was  the  rinderpest. 
First  Lady.  Oh  !  is  that  the  name  of  the  Dutch  Government  ? 


vol..   mri. 


278 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


^ » 


THE    SKIPPER    AND    HIS    BOY. 

The  Boy  (G-rge  G-rz-n).   "  LOOK  HE-YAH  !  YOU  MUST  NOT  SPEAK  TO  THE  MAN  AT  THE  WHEEL  !" 

["  All  he  complained  of  was  the  facility  given  under  the  existing  system  for  raising  questions  of  the  utmost  delicacy  and  importance  without  any 
notice  at  all,  involving  a  reply  from  the  Minister  responsible  for  the  Department,  which  he  might  have  to  deliver  on  the  spur  of  the  moment "  .  .  .  . 

Mr.  Curzon  at  Manchester,  Tuesday,  December  1,  1896.] 


DECEMBER  12,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


279 


HARDLY    LIKELY. 

(^4n  Incideiit  in  a  Motor  Mace.) 

First  Motist  (stranded).   "Hi,  STOP!     LEND  ME  A  PINT  OF  OIL,  PLEASE.     I  'M  QUITE  OUT  !" 

Second  Motist  (flying  past).  "AWFULLY  SORKY,  SIR.     HAVEN'T  A  DROP  TO  SPARE!    YOU'LL  GET  PLENTY  AT  THE  NEXT  VILLAGE!" 


THE  NEW  ARS  POETJLCA. 

WOULD  you  make  sweet  music  sweeter  ? 

Would  you  stir  men's  hearts  when  you 

sing? 
'Tis  a  question  of  matter  and  metre — 

Audacity,  lilt  and  swing. 
Chop  and  change  your  dactyl  and  spondee 

With  the  trip  of  the  smooth  anapa3st, 
Adding  dialect  glib  and  slang  ad  lib. 

To  impossible  names  from  the  East. 

You  can  sing  of  the  Mother  who  bore  you, 

You  can  sing  of  the  Pavement  Belle, 
You  have  all  the  world  before  you — 

To  say  nothing  of  Heaven  and  Hell. 
No  matter  too  great  or  little, 

No  words  too  plain  or  bold, 
If  Life  but  avail  your  pen  for  a  tale 

Which  you  tell  as  a  tale  should  be  told. 

You  must  blend  the  Intensely  Human 

With  a  touch  of  Essential  Beast, 
Never  babble  of  "fallen  woman" — 

Let  a  spade  be  a  spade  at  least  I 
Don't  forget  your  Capital  Letters, 

They  alone  will  carry  you  far, 
And  remember  in  sooth  that  Art  is  Truth, 

And  write  of  "  Thing  i  as  They  Are  "  I 


THE  TRUTH  AS  TO  "CRACKERS."  —  G. 
SPARAGNAPANE  &  Co.  are  veritable  dealers 
in  the  magic  poetry  of  what  the  Christmas 
cracker  should  be.  Inventive  imagination 
runs  riot,  and  every  possible  idea  has,  by 
these  Christmas  wizards,  been  rolled  up  in 
mystery  and  covered  with  the  glorious 
gaudiness  so  dear  to  the  youthful  heart. 


HOW  WE  FEINT  NOW ; 

Or,  Taking  the  Seasons  in  Quick  Time. 

SCENE—  An  Editorial  Sanctum.  TIME— The 
second  week  in  December.  JSditor  of  popular 
publication  discovered.  To  him  enter  dis- 
tinguished Author. 

Author.  Glad  to  find  you  disengaged. 
I  have  got  an  idea  that  I  hope  will  be  just 
in  time. 

Editor.  Always  ready  for  you,  my  dear 
friend.  Sure  to  be  acceptable. 

Author.  Well,  I  have  a  story  dealing  with 
two  old  people — variety  of  Darby  and  Joan. 

Editor.  Better  make  them  young — say 
Paul  and  Virginia  with  a  difference. 

Author.  They  are  on  the  eve  of  bidding 
one  another  farewell. 

Editor.  You  mean  they  have  just  met 
one  another  for  the  first  time. 

Author.  And  are  arranging  a  deed  of 
separation. 

Editor.    No,  organising  an  elopement. 

Author.  In  January. 

Editor.   Not  at  all  1    August. 

Author.  But  will  all  this  be  seasonable  ? 
How  can  it  be  on  all  fours  with  Christmas  ? 

Editor.  But  we  don't  want  it  to  be  on 
all  fours  with  Christmas. 

Author.  Surely  for  a  Yule-tide  num- 
ber  

Editor.  But  it  won't  do  for  that.  Pub- 
lished that  an  age  ago.  If  you  are  sharp, 
and  send  in  copy  by  the  20th,  we  can  get 
it  safely  in  by  the  30th ;  we  commence 
machining  our  summer  number  on  New 
Year's  Day,  so  as  to  be  ready  by  July  1 

[Modifications  adopted. 


MOTE  ME  BY  GASLIGHT! 

The  Light  of  other  Days  brought  up  to  date.) 

MOTE  me  by  gaslight,  mine  own  1 

No  tram-car  or  'bus  need  we  hail. 
We  can  mote  on  by  oil,  love — alone, 

With  no  cabby  to  list  to  our  tale. 
I  have  promised  to  come,  for  you  said 

You  would  show  me  the  Auto-car  Queen. 
Yours  can  beat  all  the  rest  by  a  head, 

'Tis  the  speediest  ever  yet  seen. 
Oh  1  mote  me  by  gaslight,  my  own  1 

A  hansom  may  do  for  the  grey 

Who  trust  to  the  jolting  old  gee ; 
But  an  oil-driven  n.otor,  I  say, 

Is  the  carriage  for  you,  love,  and  me. 
Oh  1  remember  the  thirty  mile  spin 

(In  an  hour)  which  we  had  t'other  night ! 
In  the  next  race  to  Brighton  we  '11  win, 

For  our  motor  is  speedy  and  light. 
So  mote  me  by  gaslight  mine  own  1 


LATEST  FROM  WESTMINSTER  ABBEY. — We 
are  not  aware  if  Mr.  HOOLET'S  gift  of  gold 
plate  to  Westminster  Abbey  has  been  ac- 
cepted by  the  Dean  and  Chapter,  but  we 
believe  the  condition  attached  to  the 
special  "  Service  of  Plate  "  is  that,  in  com- 
memoration of  the  present,  an  annual 
sermon  should  be  preached  by  the  Dean 
on  "  The  Beauty  of  Hooleyness." 


BAD  OMEN  FOR  THE  HOUSE  OF  LORDS. — 
The  Chain  Pier  of  Brighton,  one  of  the 
oldest  Piers  of  the  Realm,  has  been  de- 
stroyed. 


280 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  12,  1896. 


JOTTINGS    AND    TITTLINGS. 

(Bv  BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO  JABBERJEE,  B.A.) 
No.  XXX. 

Mmkldow  v.  Jabberjee  (pxrt  heard).     Mr.  Jabberjee  finds  cross-exami 
nation  much  less  formidable  thin  he  had  anticipated. 

IT  is  now  the  second  day  of  my  celebrated  case,  which  is  such 
a  transcendental  success  that  already  the  Court  is  tight  as  a 
drum,  while  a  vast  disappointed  crowd  is  barricading  imploringly 
at  the  doors  1 

I  was  about  to  harangue  these  unfortunates,  assuring  them  I 
was  not  responsible  for  their  exclusion,  and  promising  to  exert 


"Wiihcrington,  Q.C. 

my  utmost  influence  with  tho  Hon'ble  Judge  that  they  were  all 
to  be  admitted. 

But  my  solicitor,  seizing  me  by  the  forearm,  hurried  me 
through  the  entrance  with  the  friendly  recommendation  that  I 
was  not  to  be  the  ballyfool. 

In  the  trough  I  perceive  JESSIMINA  seated,  in  a  hat  even  more 
resplendently  becoming  than  her  yesterday  head-dress,  and  I  am 
not  a  little  puffed  with  pride  to  be  proceeded  against  by  a  plain- 
tiff of  such  a  stylish  and  elegant  appearance. 

10.25  A.M.— -After  all,  WITHERINGTON,  Q.C.,  has  paid  me  the 
marked  compliment  of  turning  up  to  personally  conduct  my  cross- 
examination.  At  which  SMABTLE,  Esq.,  becomes  lugubrious, 
averring  that  he  is  capable  of  turning  my  inside  out  in  no  time 
unless  I  am  preciously  careful.  But,  knowing  that  such  in- 
human barbarities  are  not  feasible  in  civilized  regions,  I  enter  the 
box  with  a  serene  and  smiling  countenance.  .  .  . 

Later.— I  am  unspeakably  delighted  with  the  urbanity  (on  the 
whole)  with  which  I  have  been  cross-examined.  For?  to  my 
wonderment,  WITHERINGTON,  Q.C.,  commenced  with  displaying 
a  respectful  and  sympathetic  interest  in  my  career,  Ac.,  which 
rendered  me  completely  at  my  ease,  and  though  on  occasions 
he  did  suddenly  manifest  inquisitorial  severity,  I  soon  discovered 
that  his  anger  was  merely  histrionic,  and  that  he  was  in  secret 
highly  gratified  by  the  nature  of  my  replies.  And  for  the  most 
part  he  had  the  great  condescension  to  treat  me  with  a  kind 
and  facetious  familiarity. 


I  had  privately  commissioned  a  shorthanded  acquaintance  of 
mine  with  instructions  to  take  down  nothing  but  my  answers, 
but  with  inconceivable  doltishness  he  has  done  the  exact  con- 
verse, and  transcribed  merely  the  utterances  of  Mister  WITHER- 
INGTON 1  However,  as  I  do  not  accurately  recall  my  responses,  I 
am  to  insert  the  report  here  pro  tanto,  trusting  to  the  ingenuity 
of  the  public  to  read  between  the  lines. 

HERE  FOLLOWS  THE  REPORT. 

Mr.  Witherington,  Q.C.  Well,  Mr.  JABBERJEE,  so  it  seems 
that  it  is  all  a  mistake  about  your  being  a  Prince,  eh?  .  .  .  . 
And,  however  such  an  idea  may  have  originated,  you  never  repre- 
sented yourself  as  a  Rajah,  or  anything  or  the  kind  ?  .  .  .  I  was  sure 
you  would  say  so.  You  have  such  a  high  regard  for  truth,  and 
such  a  deep  sense  of  the  obligation  of  an  oath,  that  you  are  in- 
capable of  a  deliberate  falsehood  at  any  time — may  I  take  that 
for  granted?  ....  Very  glad  to  hear  it.  And  of  course,  Mr. 
JABBERJEE,  it  was  no  fault  of  yours  if  people  chose  to  assume, 
from  a  certain  magnificence  in  your  appearance  and  way  of  living 
and  so  on,  that  you  must  be  of  high  rank  in  your  own  country? 

...  But,  though  you  don't  set  up  to  be  a  Prince,  you  are, 
f  believe,  a  recent  acquisition  to  the  honourable  profession  of 
which  we  are  both  members?  ....  And  also  a  journalist  of 
some  distinction,  are  you  not  ?  .  .  .  .  Indeed  ?  I  congratulate 
you — a  highly  respectable  periodical.  And  no  doubt  the  pro- 
prietors have  shown  a  proper  appreciation  of  the  value  of  your 
services,  in  a  pecuniary  sense  ?  .  .  .  .  Really  ?  You  are  indeed 
to  be  envied,  IVIr.  JABBERJEE  !  Not  many  young  barristers  can 
rely  upon  making  such  an  income  by  their  pen  while  they  are 
waiting  for  the  briefs  to  come  in.  May  I  ask  if  you  intend  to 
practice  in  this  country?  ....  The  Calcutta  Bar,  eh?  Then 
I  suppose  you  can  count  upon  influence  out  there  ?  .  .  .  .  Your 
father  a  Mooktear,  is  he  P  I  'm  afraid  I  don't  know  what  that 
is  exactly.  .  .  .  A  solicitor?  Now  I  understand.  So  he  will 
give  you  cases — in  which  I  am  sure  you  will  distinguish  yourself. 
But  you  '11  have  to  work  hard,  won't  you  ?....!  thought  so. 
No  more  pig-sticking  or  tiger-shooting,  eh  ?  ....  That 's  a 
drawback,  isn't  it  ?  You  're  passionately  devoted  to  tiger-shoot- 
ing, aren't  you  ?  Unless  I  'm  mistaken,  you  first  won  the  plain- 
tiff's admiration  by  the  vivid  manner  in  which  you  described^ your 
''  moving  accidents  by  flood  and  field " — another  parrallel  be- 
tween you  and  OTHELLO,  eh  ?  Well,  tell  me,  I  'm  no  sportsman 
myself — but  it 's  rather  a  thrilling  moment,  isn't  it,  when  a  tiger 
is  trying  to  climb  up  your  elephant,  and  get  inside  the — what  do 
you  call  it — howlah? — oh.  howdah,  to  be  sure  ;  thank  you,  very 
much.  ...  So  I  should  have  imagined.  Still,  I  suppose,  when 
you  're  used  to  it,  even  that  wouldn't  shake  your  nerve  to  any 
appreciable  extent.  You  would  bowl  over  your  tiger  at  close  quar- 
ters without  turning  a  hair,  would  you  not?  .  .  .  Just  so.  A  great 
gift,  presence  of  mind.  And  pig-sticking,  now — isn't  a  boar  rather 
an  awkward  customer  to  tackle  ?...."  You  never  found  him 
so  "  ?  But  suppose  you  miss  him  with  your  spear,  and  he  charges 
your  horse  P  .  .  .  .  Ah,  you  're  a  mighty  hunter,  Mr.  JABBERJEE. 
I  perceive  I  Ever  shoot  any  elephants  ?  .  .  .  .  No  elephants  ? 
That's  a  pleasure  to  come,  then.  Now,  about  your  relations 
with  the  plaintiff  prior  to  your  engagement — you  were  a  good 
deal  in  her  company,  weren't  you  ?  .  .  .  .  Well,  you  constantly 
escorted  her  to  various  places  of  amusement,  come  ?  .  .  .  .  Yes, 
yes ;  I  am  quite  aware  a  chaperon  was  always  present.  We  are 
both  agreed  that  my  client  has  acted  throughout  with  the  most 
scrupulous  propriety — but  you  liked  being  in  her  society,  didn't 
you  ?  .  .  .  .  Exactly  so.  and,  at  that  time  at  all  events,  you 
admired  her  extremely  ?...."  Merely  as  a  friend/'  eh  ?  no 
idea  of  proposing?  Well,  just  tell  us  once  more  how  it  was  you 
came  to  engage  yourself.  .  .  .  You  were  afraid  your  landlady 
would  summon  a  boarder  and  ask  him  to  give  you  a  kicking  ? 
....  And  the  prospect  of  being  kicked  terrified  you  to  such  an 
extent  that  you  were  willing  to  promise  anything — is  that  your 
story  ?  .  .  .  .  But  you  are  a  man  of  iron  nerve,  you  know, 
you  've  just  been  giving  us  a  description  of  your  performances  in 
the  jungle.  How  did  you  come  to  be  so  alarmed  by  a  boarder, 
when  the  attack  of  the  fiercest  tiger  or  wild  boar  never  made  you 
turn  a  hair  ?  .  .  .  .  But  that  is  what  you  gave  us  to  understand 
just  now,  wasn't  it  ?  ....  Then  do  you  tell  his  lordship  and 
the  jury  now  that,  as  a  matter  of  fact,  you  never  shot  a  solitary 
tiger  or  speared  a  single  boar  in  your  life  ?  Why  didn't  you  say 
so  at  once,  Sir?  .  .  .  Do  you  consider  a  misrepresentation  of  that 
kind  a  mere  trifle  ?  ....  In  spite  of  the  fact  that  you  have 
solemnly  sworn  to  tell  the  truth,  the  whole  truth  and  nothing 
but  the  truth?  ....  Very  well,  Sir,  I  will  take  your  answer. 
Now,  just  look  at  this  letter  of  yours,  dated  June  the  15th, 
1896.  (Your  lordship  has  a  copy  of  the  correspondence.  .  .  . 
Yes,  it  is  all  admitted,  my  lord.)  I'll  read  it  to  you. 
(Reads  it.)  Now,  Sir,  is  it  the  fact  that  you  ever  actually 
consulted  the  gentleman  who  enjoys  the  distinction  of  being 
astrologer  to  your  family  upon  your  marriage  with  the  plain- 


DECEMBER  12,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


281 


tiff?  Be  careful  what  you  say And  did  he  ever  forbid 

you  to  contract  such  an  alliance  ?  .  .  .  .  Then  was  there  a  word 
of  truth  in  all  that?  ....  I  thought  as  much.  Let  me  read 
you  another  letter.  (He  reads.)  Here,  you  see,  you  make  quite 
another  excuse.  You  are  already  married,  and  can  only  offer 
the  plaintiff  the  position  of  a  rival  wife,  or  "sateen,"  as  you  call 
Have  you  ever  contracted  an  infant  marriage  in  India?  .  .  . 
Oh,  that  is  true,  is  it  ?  But  why,  when  you  were  paying  these 
attentions  to  the  plaintiff,  did  it  never  occur  to  you  to  mention 
the  fact  that  you  were  a  married  man?  ....  "You  don't 
know  "  ?  May  it  not  have  been  because  you  were  a  widower  ? 
Was  your  infant  wife  alive  or  dead  when  you  wrote  this  letter  ? 
....  Then  why  did  you  write  of  her  as  ir  she  were  ah"  ve  ?  .  .  . 
I  quite  believe  that — but  "why  were  you  so  anxious  to  break  it 
off  just  then  ?  .  .  .  .  Well,  when  you  were  cross-examining  the 
plaintiff  you  asked  her  about  a  certain  china  ornament  you  had 
given  her,  which  seems  to  have  been  originally  intended  for 
another  young  lady.  We  needn't  mention  her  name  here — but 
you  made  her  acquaintance  some  time  after  your  engagement, 
didn't  you  ?  .  .  .  .  And  since  you  left  Porticobello  House,  you 
have  seen  a  good  deal  of  her,  eh  ?  ....  You  were  a  great  ad- 
mirer of  hers,  weren't  you  ?  .  .  .  .  I  'm  not  asking  you  whether 
she  is  engaged  to  a  Scotch  gentleman  at  the  present  moment — 
I  'm  putting  it  to  you  that,  at  the  time  you  were  writing  these 
letters  to  the  plaintiff,  you  had  already  formed  the  conclusion 
that  this  other  young  lady  was  more  deserving  of  the  honour  of 
being  the  second  Mrs.  JABBERJEE.  ...  I  am  not  suggesting  that 
you  could  help  it — but  wasn't  it  so  ?  ....  Very  well — that  is 
all  I  have  to  ask  you,  Mr.  JABBERJEE.  You  can  go. 

I  must  not  omit  to  record  that  my  replies  and  the  reading  of 
my  letters  did  excite  frequent  and  vociferous  merriment,  and  in 
other  respects  I  have  testified  so  exhaustively  that  my  solicitor 
informs  me  it  is  not  worth  a  candle  to  call  any  further  witnesses 
— especially  as  Hon'ble  CUMMERBUND  has  intimated  that  he 
prefers  to  blow  unseen,  and  as  for  Baboo  CHTJCKERBUTTY  RAM?  he, 
it  seems,  has  of  course  been  seized  by  such  violent  indisposition 
that  he  was  compelled  to  leave  the  Court. 

So  I  am  now  to  deliver  one  more  brief  oration,  which  will  in- 
fallibly secure  me  the  plerophory  of  the  jury  and  exalt  my  head  to 
the  skies  as  Cock  of  the  Roost. 

Only  I  regret  that  JESSIMINA'S  visage  is  now  completely  in- 
visible to  me,  being  obscured  by  the  dimensions  of  her  hat,  also 
that  she  should  carry  on  such  protracted  confabulations  with  her 
curly-headed  professional  adviser — which  is  surely  lacking  in  most 
ordinary  respect  for  myself  and  Hon'ble  Justice  HONEYGALL  I 


"THE  FINAL  WAR." 

(A  Last  Chapter,  about  as  probable  as  its  forerunners. ) 

So  Englandj  with  the  assistance  of  the  United  States,  had 
crushed  the  Triple  Alliance.  She  had  taken  Paris,  occupied  Mos- 
cow, and  obtained  the  Treaty  of  Peace  before  Berlin.  As  already 
described,  the  negotiations  had  been  brought  to  a  successful  con- 
clusion, thanks  to  the  efforts  of  H.R.H.  the  Prince  of  W-L-S. 
All  was  quiet  in  London — seemingly.  But  peace  was  only  on 
the  surface.  Amongst  the  millions  there  was  a  growing  feeling 
of  unrest.  "  We  are  too  powerful,"  said  the  foremost  man  of 
Shoreditch.  "  Our  prosperity  is  demoralising,"  added  the  most 
influential  inhabitant  of  Herne  Bay.  It  was  at  this  crisis  that 
Mr.  ROBESPIERRE  WASHINGTON  WROT  came  to  the  front  in  a 
leader  published  in  his  organ,  Britannia's  Adviser.  Mr.  ROBES- 
PIERRE WASHINGTON  WROT  counselled  disarmament.  A  Cabinet 
Council  was  called,  and  the  standing  army  (which  had  been  con- 
siderably augmented  during  the  past  war)  was  reduced  from  a 
million  and  a  half  to  five  thousand. 

Then  Mr.  ROBESPIERRE  WASHINGTON  WROT  suggested  that  the 
Colonies  should  receive  their  independence.  Again  a  Cabinet  Coun- 
cil was  called,  with  the  same  result.  Then  Mr.  ROBESPIERRE  WASH- 
INGTON WROT  advised  the  independence  of  India.  Russia  was 
too  impoverished  by  her  recent  defeat  to  take  advantage  of  the 
scheme,  so  the  title  of  Empress  was  dropped,  and  things  became 
as  they  were  a  triple  of  centuries  before.  And  now  Mr.  ROBES- 
PIERRE WASHINGTON  WROT  made  a  final  suggestion :  England 
was  to  divest  herself  of  everything  to  show  her  bona  fides.  No 
sooner  said  than  done. 

But  at  this  point  there  came  a  reaction.  Someonepointed  out 
that  matters  nad  been  carried  too  'far,  and  that  WROT  was  a 
traitor.  Jingoism  spread  over  the  country  like  wild-fire.  The 
wonderful  victories  of  "  The  Final  War  "  became  again  realities, 
and  all  was  well. 

So  Britannia  ruled  the  waves,  as  she  ever  can  do  when  she  is 
assisted  in  the  operation  by  a  writer — on  paper. 


THE  BEATTNE  OF  CONTENTION. — Cheap  Burgundy. 


SONGS    AND    THEIR    SINGERS.      No.    III. 


CANINE    SAGACITY. 

DEAR  SIR,— You  will  be  interested  to  hear  of  the  curious  action 
of  a  little  dog  belonging  to  a  friend  on  the  same  staircase  as 
myself  at  Brazenface  College,  Oxford. 

This  animal  regularly  every  morning,  at  the  same  hour,  bnngs 
a  young  kitten  in  its  mouth,  and  drowns  it  in  a  tub  of  water 
which  always  stands  in  one  place.  He  is  invariably  accom- 
panied by  an  old  hen,  who  personally  superintends  the  work 
of  destruction,  cackling  the  whole  time  as  if  possessed,  as  she 
probably  is.  The  hen  gravely  stalks  away  when  the  drowning  is 
completed.  To  my  certain  knowledge,  no  less  than  thirty-three 
kittens  have  thus  been  destroyed  on  consecutive  days. 

Now,  where  does  the  dog  obtain  the  kittens?  Why  does  he 
drown  them  ?  Is  it  the  result  of  a  solemn  anti-feline  vow  ?  Is 
it  a  vendetta  ?  What  is  the  connecting  link  with  the  old  hen  ? 
Does  the  hen  employ  the  dog  to  kill  the  kittens  because  cats 
have  injured  her  eggs  or  her  feelings?  I  confess  myself  com- 
pletely baffled !  Yours  ever,  A.  SOLOMON  (Undergrad.). 


Sotto  Voce. 

A  WRITER  in  the  Daily  Telegraph  has  complained  that  loud 
talkers   at  railway    stations   are    too  prone   to    discuss    private 
affairs  in  public,  but  surely  the  following  style  of  conversation 
is  more  aggravating  to  bystanders  on  the  same  platform  :  — 
First  Passenger.  Yes  I    JIGGINS  met  STIGGINS  and  said — — 

[Sinks  his  voice  to  a  whisper. 
Second  Passenger  (deeply  interested).  No;  really? 
First  Passenger.  Yes  ;  but  STIGGINS  answered — 

[  Whispers  again.     At  close  of  communication  both  roar  with 
laughter.     Intense  mortification  of  those  around. 


NOTE  FROM  OXFORD. — Water 
"  House  "  just  now. 


Isis  "  seem  very  popular  at  the 


282 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER   12,  1896. 


ON    BOARD    A    LINER. 


Belle  Americaine. 


"  POPPA  SAYS  YOU  BRITISHERS  ARE  AKIN  TO  us. 
Matter-of-fact  Britisher. 


POPPA  TELLS  ME  OUR  ANCESTORS  CAME  OVER  IN  THE  MAYFLOWER. 
"An!  —  WHICH  TRIP!" 


A  NEW  AND  SORROWFUL  LYTELL  GESTE 
OF  ROBIN  HOOD. 

[It  g  proposed  to  run  a  railway  through   Sherwood 
Forest.] 

LITHE  and  listen,  gentlemen. 

That  be  of  Brytyshe  blood, 
I  '11  tell  you  of  a  good  yeoman, 

His  name  was  ROBIN  HOOD. 
ROBIN  stood  in  Sherwoode  Forest, 

And  leaned  him  to  a  tree  ; 
And  by  him  stood  stout  LITTLE  JOHN, 

Both  glum  as  glum  could  be. 
"  What  booteth  it  P  "  cried  LITTLE  JOHN, 

"The  railway  company 
Is  going  to  shriek  and  squeale  and  smoke 

Under  the  greenwood  tree." 
"  Oh  waly,  waly  1 "  cried  ROBIN  HOOD, 

"  Under  the  leaves  green 
Their  sleepers  and  their  rails  they  '11  lay, 

Whereof  will  be  great  teen! 
Merrie  England  will  be  no  more, 

There  '11  be  no  men  of  grystle, 
When  Sherwood  heareth  the  railway  roare, 

And  eke  ye  railway  whystle !  " 
Forth  then  stert  LITTLE  JOHN, 

Half  in  tray  and  teen ; 
"  Let  us  hang  ye  Managers,"  he  cried, 

"  Upon  this  oke-tree  green !  " 
"  Alas  and  waly  I  "  cried  ROBIN  HOOD, 

"That  were  a  merrye  plan, 
But  that,  I  doubt,  would  scarce  seem  good 

To  our  Maid  MARIAN. 
She  hath  so  many  tronkes  y-now 

For  farthingale  and  bonnet, 
She  will  not  fayle  to  greet  ye  rail 

With  glee,  depend  upon  it! 
I  trowe  when  arches  roof  ye  brake, 

And  tunnels  pierce  ye  thycket, 


She  will  not  weepe,  but  uppe  and  take 

A  firste-classe  seasoun  tycketl 
She  hath  already  a  cycle  got, 

She  rideth  it  near  and  far  ; 
And  next  she  '11  get,  or  I  '11  be  shot, 

A  moderne  motor-car !  " 
Then    uppe   and    blubbered    poor   LITTLE 
JOHN 

(For  he,  though  brave,  was  human), 
"  "iis  never  merry  in  the  green  wood, 

Since  MARIAN  turned  Newe  Woman !  " 
Forth  then  went  brave  ROBIN  HOOD, 

With  a  most  mournful  cheere  ; 
The  tears  out  of  his  eyen  ran, 

And  fell  down  by  his  lere. 
"  Gramercy !  "  cried  he,  "  neath  the  green- 
wood tree, 

This  hour  is  sure  the  sorest ! 
I  ne'er  did  thinke  to  live  to  see 

Railways  in  Sherwoode  Forest ! " 


A  SEASONABLE  SUGGESTION. 

DEAR  MR.  PTTNOH, — About  this  time  of 
the  year,  it  is  customary  for  tea-dealers 
and  licensed  victuallers  to  start  "  Goose 
Clubs,"  with  the  aid  of  the  weekly  sub- 
scriptions of  their  customers.  As  a  rule, 
the  Christmas  bonus  includes,  besides  the 
succulent  bird,  several  bottles  of  ardent 
spirits,  a  pound  of  tea,  and  a  quart  of 
champagne.  Will  you  permit  me  to  make 
a  suggestion.  I  would  propose  that  a 
company  should  be  formed  to  supply  the 
public  with  a  number  of  yule-tide  hampers, 
at  the  cost,  say,  of  a  guinea  a-piece.  For 
that  sum  purchasers  should  obtain  (1)  a 
pass  to  the  continent  enabling  the  voyager 
to  travel  (1st  class)  through  France,  Aus- 


tria. Germany,  and  Russia.  (2)  Coupons 
for  hotel  accommodation  (premier  quality) 
sufficient  to  last  a  month.  (3)  A  tourist 
outfit,  with  fur-lined  overcoat.  (4)  Half  a 
dozen  best  whiskey.  (5)  Half  a  dozen  best 
brandy.  (6)  A  travelling  library,  includ- 
ing the  works  of  DICKENS,  THACKERAY, 
RUDYARD  KIPLING,  and  WALTER  BESANT. 
(7)  An  insurance  ticket  for  £1,000.  (8)  A 
concertina  or  a  musical  box  (playing  twelve 
tunes}  at  choice.  (9)  A  bicycle.  (10)  A 
portable  tent.  (11)  A  conversation  book 
in  four  languages.  And  (12)  lastly,  a  war- 
rant of  naturalisation  available  for  every 
country  in  the  world  outside  the  United 
Kingdom. 

There,  Sir,  is  the  idea.  The  effect 
would  be  that  'Any  and  'Arriet  would  be 
lured  away  from  their  native  land  during 
the  festive  season,  and  possibly  be  induced, 
later  on,  to  take  up  their  residence  perma- 
nently away  from  home.  Surely  this 
would  be  a  direct  gain  to  the  entire  com- 
munity ?  Yours  genially, 

A  CONFIRMED  GRUMBLER. 

P.S.— I  might  add  that  to  make  "the 
new  Goose  Clubs"  appropriate,  not  only 
in  purpose,  but  in  name,  the  geese  might 
be  supplied  by  the  shareholders. 


'jAt  the  Close  of  the  Racing  Season. 

Owner  (to  friend,  pointing  to  disappoint- 
ing colt).  There  he  is,  as  well  bred  as 
any  horse  in  the  world,  but  can't  win  a 
race.  Now  what 's  to  be  done  with  him  P 

Friend  (suddenly  inspired).  Harness  the 
beast  in  front  of  a  motor-car.  He  '11  have 
to  travel,  then. 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.— DECEMBER  12,  1896. 


Skfalll  So 


'GOOD   BUSINESS!' 

KHEDIVE.  "PLEASE,  SIR,  THEY  SAY  YOU'LL  HAVE  TO  PAY  THIS  YOURSELF!" 

JOHN  BULL  (calling  out  after  FRANCE  and  RUSSIA).  "  ALL  RIGHT,   GENTLEMEN  !    ONLY  REMEMBER—  WHO 
PAYS  THE  PIPER,   CALLS  THE  TUNE' I" 


DECEMBER"']  2,  1896.11 

Jl 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


285 


NEW  SPORTING  DICTIONARY  OF  FAMILIAR  LATIN  PHRASES* 

LABOR  OMNIA  VINCIT.     (LABOUR  OVERCOMES  EVERYTHING.) 


DARBY  JONES  ON  WINTER  KEEP. 

HONOURED  SIR, — The  curtain  has  rung 
down  upon  that  fine  drama  the  Flat  Racing 
Season,  and  the  Royal  Turf  Theatre  has 
been  let  by  the  Clerk  of  the  Weather  to 
the  Variety  Company  which  can  do  such 
wonderful  feats  with  Hurdles,  Banks, 
Ditches,  Brooks,  and  Fences.  And  even 
the  Clerk  is  a  bit  of  a  Clown  himself. 
Look  how  he  killed  sport  at  Newmarket 
last  week.  Opening  with  a  prospect  of 
skating,  and  then  drenching  the  Earth  like 
a  consistent  London  water-cart  does  the 
streets  when  the  rain  and  vehicles  are 
turning  the  thoroughfares  into  ploughed 
fields.  Paddling  about  a  sloshy  course 
with  great  Blobs  of  Damp  hitting  you 
heavily  in  the  optics  is  not  my  idea  of 
Sporting  Pastime ;  but  then,  you  see,  hon- 
oured Sir,  without  this  stick-hopping  di- 
version during  the  months  when  Rude  Bo- 
reas and  Co.  exercise  their  right  to  draw 
draughts  at  sight,  where  would  many  of 
our  Fellow-creatures  be  ? 

Winter  Keep  is  a  very  serious  matter, 
more  weighty,  I  assure  you,  with  a  good 
many  Britons,  than  is  either  the  Evil  Con- 
duct of  the  SULTAN  or  the  Presentation  of 
Ancient  Poetry  to  the  American  Ambassa- 
dor. Of  course  a  Turfite,  who  has  worked 
hard  all  the  season,  and  brought  off  a 
Good  Thing  at  the  backend,  concerns  him- 
self but  little  about  the  Hopping,  Skip- 
ping and  Jumping.  He  feels  like  a  man 
who  has  espoused  an  Heiress,  and  departs 
to  celebrate  his  honeymoon  in  the  Sunny 
South,  where  he  knows  that  he  will  run  no 
chance  of  being  made  ill  by  the  hospitable 
gluttony  and  indiscreet  wine-bibbing  of  an 
English  Christmas.  But  the  unhappy 
wight  who  has  been  rolled  over  like  a 
cocoa-nut  from  a  stick  by  the  cruel  blows 
of  pitiless  Fortune,  is  constrained  to  try 
and  mend  his  position.  He  puts  his  nose 
to  the  grindstone  of  Steeple-chasing  and 
Hurdle-racing,  with  a  fixed  determination 
to  become  as  sharp  as  those  who  lay  up 


"leppers"  for  the  winter  like  the  dor- 
mouse does  his  store  of  purloined  cereals. 
He  has  a  Hard  Task  before  him.  There 
are  no  people  so  astute  as  these  Hoppers, 
Skippers,  and  Jumpers,  especialy  when 
they  hail  from  the  Island  of  Potatoes  and 
Dublin  Prawns.  You  will  see  some  rough- 
coated  brute  that  you  never  heard  of  be- 
fore come  shambling  en  to  a  course  with 
the  action  of  a  rhinocerous,  and  then, 
heigh  presto !  before  you  ejaculate  "  John 
Robinson!"  or  "Richard  Crusoe!"  this 
same  anti-diluvian  quadruped  has  landed  a 
pretty  little  stake  and  a  much  larger  col- 
lection of  bets.  The  meeting  and  the 
country  have  been  picked  for  him,  of 
course.  "It's  the  difference  in  obstacles 
as  does  it;"  said  the  descendant  of  the 
Kings  of  Tipperary  to  me  last  week.  And 
he  is  right,  Sir,  without  dispute.  I  've 
seen  a  tip-top  flyer,  a  crack  Bullfinchei 
from  the  Shires  come  down  into  West 
Hampshire,  and  be  pounded  into  cat's 
meat  by  an  ugly  New  Forest  pony  with  a 
head  on  him  like  a  coal-hammer.  But  he 
knew  how  to  jump  on  to  banks,  not  try  to 
fly  them. 

But  this  is,  as  XENOPHON  remarked, 
a  digression.  Even  the  never-say-die 
''Boys"  often  get  "left"  at  the  illegiti- 
mate sport,  and  should  ice  and  snow  set 
in,  be  seen,  like  so  many  sparrows,  pecking 
about  Piccadilly  Circus  for  the  means 
wherewithal  to  satisfy  their  occasional 
aunger  and  ever-constant  thirst.  And  so 
Newmarket.  Wye,  Sandown,  Kempton, 
Windsor,  Plumpton,  et  id  omne  genus,  a* 
you  say  in  the  classics,  never  want  for  pa- 
trons, when  a  sensible  man,  if  not  basking 
on  the  Riviera,  would  be  warming  his  toes 
before  one  of  those  sea-coal  fires,  which  1 
have  found  no  cheaper  since  the  City  dues 
were  removed  by  Act  of  Parliament.  And 
yet  there  are  some  Absolute  Gifts  to  be 
picked  up  for  the  asking,  such,  for  in- 
stance, as  supporting  such  a  performer  as 
the  Midshipmite  in  the  Newmarket  Grand 
Military.  It  was  shelling  peas  to  plank 


down  one's  doubloons  in  favour  of  the 
Nautical  Nag,  even  though  laying  the 
slight  odds  of  6  to  5  on  Mr.  A.  LAWSON'S 
mount. 

Reverting  to  things  personal  and  deli- 
cate, I  am  glad  to  believe,  Sir,  that,  obe- 
dient, perhaps,  to  a  fine  Sense  of  Honour, 
you  have  made  no  attempt  to  make  ac- 
quaintance with  the  Lovely  Lady,  and  I 
have  set  such  a  watch  on  her  correspon- 
dence that  I  am  sure  you  will  never  receive 
the  admiring  Christinas  Card,  which  no 
doubt  you  are  expecting.  I  am  not  Jeal- 
ous, but  there  is  no  man  more  Conserva- 
tive of  Property  than 

Your  lynx-eyed  Servitor, 

DABBY  JONES. 

[We  expect  no  Christmas  Card  from  any  lady, 
lovely  or  otherwise.  As  an  amateur  detective  D.  J. 
is  simply  ridiculous. — ED.J 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

A  Hochelur  visits  a  Lifetime  tfrieitd,  w/u>  /MS 
married  a  fair  Lady. 

I  'M  staying  with  my  old  friend  BROWN. 
His  country  house  is  on  the  Down 

That  stretches  to  the  sea ; 
A  pleasant  nook  it  holds  between 
The  pines,  that  never  lose  their  green, 

But  ever  young  shall  be. 

I  Ve  known  old  BKOWN  since  he  and  I 
At  Eton  met,  and  by  and  by 

From  Oxford  sallied  forth 
To  travel  on  the  Continent — 
No  matter  where — I  think  we  weut 

East,  West,  and  South  and  North. 

1  ;m  sure  we  got  into  disgrace, 
And  ran  like  madcaps  many  a  race 

We  could  not  hope  to  win  ; 
But  that's  the  eager  fault  of  Youth  - 
It  never  knows  the  pungent  truth 

Of  Waiting  to  Begin. 

Old  BBOWN  and  I  for  many  a  day 
Would  let  Time  roll — we  loved  the  play ! 

Twas  like  a  football  match, 
When  at  the  Wall  or  in  the  Field 
We  resolutely  would  not  yield 

Till  forced  our  breath  to  catch. 

And  so  we  mixed  our  cares  and  joys, 
A  pair  of  very  foolish  boys, 

And  kicked  the  ball  of  Life ; 
And  then  we  parted.     Now  I  find 
Old  sympathies  are  left  behind, 

For  BBOWN  has  got  a  wife ! 

A  charming  creature,  fair  to  view, 
With  amber  hair  and  eyes  of  blue, 

And  such  a  winning  smile  ! 
The  sort  of  goddess  one  might  deem 
To  be  begot  oy  painter's  dream 

Of  perfect  woman-style. 

And  yet  somehow  I  do  not  care 
To  waste  my  glances  on  her  hair 

That  shines  like  liquid  gold. 
Nor  do  I  seek  her  eyes  divine 
Nor  care  to  hear  her  voice  with  mine 

Blend  in  the  stories  told. 

No  better  hostess  could  there  be  ; 
She 's  always  looking  after  me 

Like  some  well-cherished  gown. 
I  think  that  my  dislike  is  due 
To  Something  that  is  all  too  new — 

The  awful  change  in   BBOWN  ! 


VEBT  APPBOPBIATE.  —  Mr.  BEERBOHM 
TREE  opened,  at  the  Knickerbocker  Thea- 
tre in  America,  with  Seats  of  the  Mighty. 


286 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  12,  1896. 


READY-MADE    COATS-(OF-ARMS) ;    OR,    GIVING    'EIVT  FITS ! 


Arms :  Quarterly ;  1st,  a  pyrotechnic  carnival  displayed  proper ;  2nd,  three 
tropical  cocoa-nuts  statant  sable  (three  shies  a  penny) ;  3rd,  an  ancient  British 
barrow,  supposed  to  be  charged  with  body  of  Queen  BOADICEA  ;  4th,  an  arry 
issuant  from  three  bars  blatant  on  a  field  dotty.  Crest :  An  ass's  head  re- 
gardant reproachful,  probably  charged  on  the  body  with  a  juggins  rampant. 
Supporters:  Dexter,  an  arriet  plumed  and  garnished  somethink  like,  I  tell 
yer ;  sinister,  a  coster  arrayed  pearly  to  the  nines,  charged  with  a  concertina 
all  proper.  Second  motto :  A  regular  beno. 

["  It  has  been  decided  that  arms  shall  be  devised  for  Hampstead." — Daily 
Paper.] 


LORD  L-NO. 

Arms  :  Quarterly ;  1st,  three  bars  wait  fretty  in  the  wings ;  2nd,  an  heraldic 
pavilion,  or  changing-tent  proper,  outside  a  pair  of  heraldic  dancing- pumps 
also  fairly  accurate;  3rd,  inside  three  'alls  a  (k)night;  4th,  a  professional's 
brougham  passant  between  two  'alls  'eraced.  Crest :  A  lion  comique  rampant 
in  garb  base  to  the  last  degree,  holding  in  dexter  hand  an  heraldic  parapluie 
slightly  out  of  repair  all  proper.  Supporters  :  Dexter,  one  of  the  "gods" 
regardant,  inclined  to  repartee;  sinister,  a  denizen  of  the  fauteuils  d'orchestre 
cachinnatory  to  the  last,  charged  on  the  breast  for  distinction  with  a  solitaire 
of  the  first  water. 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

G.  A.  HENTY,  of  the  marvellous  pen,  fights  one  of  our  great 
battles  over  again  At  Agincourt,  where  "  the  one  iolly  English- 
man "  knocked  the  bloom  of  the  flower  of  French  chivalry  "  into 
a  cocked  hat,"  as  our  interested  and  very  British  schoolboy  re- 
marks. Especially  as  the  hero  had  to  encounter  the  "  White 
Hoods  "  of  Paris.  In  his  other  book,  the  young  naval  adventure! 
is  launched  with  Cochrane  tlie  Dauntless  on  the  troubled  waters 
of  South  American  seas.  Then  there  is  The  Loss  of  John 
Humble,  by  G.  NORWAY,  and  it  will  be  that  boy's  loss  who  does 
not  read  it.  Lastly  comes  Viokt  Vereker's  Vanity,  in  which 
ANNIE  E.  ARMSTRONG  ("more  power  to  her  elbow!")  tells  a 
charming  story  of  a  girlish  folly.  All  the  above-mentioned  are 
to  be  found  in  the  stores  of  BLACKIH  &  SON'S  Book  Cellars, 
whose  address  must  of  course  be  sought  in  a  Directory  of 
Darkest  London. 

Horn  Book  Jingles.  By  Mrs.  ARTHUR  GASKIN.  (Leadenhall 
Press ;  SIMPKIN,  MARSHALL  &  Co.)  Another  illustrated  book  for 
smaller  folk,  though  the  idea  of  what  our  great-great-grand- 
mother's Horn  Book  was  might  be  a  trifle  beyond  the  grasp  of 
even  our  modern  babies.  These  dainty  jingles  may  enlighten 
them,  for  the  nineteenth-century  babies  are  generally  well  ad- 
vanced, and  the  Horn  Book  should  get  on  well  if  it  can  only 
blow  its  own  trumpet. 

In  Bohemia  with  Du  Maurier  enshrines  Mr.  FELIX  MOSCHELES'S 
recollections  of  happy  days  spent  in  Belgium  with  our  lost 
"  Kicky."  It  shows  mm,  as  in  intimate  company  he  was  up  to 
the  last,  lighthearted,  full  of  fun  and  good  fellowship.  It  was 
his  early  manner — this  also  preserved  unto  the  last — of  drawing 
sketches  at  the  head,  tail,  or  on  the  margin  of  letters  to  his 
friends.  Mr.  MOSCHELES  has  preserved  over  three-score,  which 
are  reproduced,  and  add  greatly  to  the  pleasure  and  interest  of 
the  simple  annals  of  student  life  in  the  fifties.  Whilst  Dr 
MAURIER  was  studying  and  larking  at  Malines,  there  came  a 
time  when,  literally,  a  shadow  fell  upon  his  life.  He  had  lost  the 
sight  of  one  eye,  and  a  cheerful  doctor  told  him  the  other  must 
needs  follow.  It  seemed  the  end  of  all  his  hopes  and  ambition. 
But  he  bore  the  trial  with  unabated  cheerfulness.  "  If  one  can't 
paint,"  he  said,  "  one  must  do  something  else — write  perhaps," 
he  added,  in  a  flash  of  unconscious  prophecy.  One  cannot  know 


too  much  of  Du  MAURIER,  and  my  Baronite  finds  in  this  volume 
many  pleasant  echoes  of  a  voice  that  is  still. 

In  The  Herb  Moon  (FISHER  UNWIN),  JOHN  OLIVER  HOBBES'S 
latest  story-book,  my  Baronite  finds  all  that  cynical  mood,  rapid 
insight  into  character,  carefully-polished  and  sharply-barbed 
sentences,  that  attracted  him  in  early  days  to  Some  Emotions 
and  a  Moral.  Here,  as  there,  plot  is  not  the  authoress'  cliief 
stand-by.  She  tells  again  the  old,  old  story,  how  two  young 
people  love  each  other  ;  how  misunderstanding  comes  about,  and 
how  they  part.  He  becomes  a  soldier.  She  might  have  married 
— not  a  market-gardener,  but  a  baronet.  She  resisted  the  temp- 
tation, and  he.  coming  back  from  the  wars  with  the  Victoria 
Cross,  marries  her,  retires  from  the  army,  goes  into  Parliament, 
and  "it  is  said  will  be  in  the  next  Cabinet" — a  very  happy 
chance  for  a  retired  colonel,  who,  apparently,  has  not  yet  been 
even  a  Junior  Lord  of  the  Treasury.  But  The  Herb  Moon  is 
avowedly  a  fantasia,  and  all  things  may  happen  under  it.  Mrs. 
Harroby,  who  nearly  marries  Rose  to  the  Baronet,  is  an  enter- 
taining person,  reminiscent  of  Ethel  Newcome's  protectress,  Lady 
Kew.  The  volume  is  enriched  by  a  charming  sketch  of  the 
authoress. 

Mr.  ASHBY  STERRY'S  Tale  of  the  Thames,  brought  out  by  BLISS, 
SANDS  &  Co.  (what  happiness  in  the  name  of  this  firm  of  pub- 
lishers! Do  not  BLISS  and  SANDS  suggest  a  series  of,  say, 
Beatitude  at  Broadstairs,  Merriment  at  Margate,  and  Rapture 
at  Ramsgate?),  will  be  found  a  charming  companion  by  the 
winter  fireside,  when  it  delights  the  gallant  young  watermen  and 
waterwomen  to  recall  the  adventures  of  their  happy  summertide 
on  the  River  Thames.  Likewise  will  the  book  be  invaluable  as 
an  entertaining  guide  to  water-parties  who  love  to  take  their 
pleasure  "  down  "Henley '  way."  Mr.  STERRY  knows  the  ropes 
and  how  to  work  the  lines.  Take  him  as  your  guide,  trust  to 
him  to  show  you  the  river,  and  consider  him  as  Mr.  Ashby  Steer y. 
The  illustrations,  by  W.  HATHERELL.  are  delightful.  Pity  they 

,    ,  .      ••  •**  •      .      i  *  j 1 

could 


Bodley  Head,  produces  not  a  few.  Among  his  latest  is  The 
Children,  by  ALICE  MEYNELL.  Its  natural  simplicity  is  its  great 
charm.  All  who  are  interested  in  children  at  Christmas  time — and 
who  is  not  ? — will  have  their  pleasure  enhanced  by  reading  this 
little  book.  THE  BARON. 


DECEMBER  12,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


287 


A    PLEASANT    PROSPECT. 

Friend  (running  down  for  a  day  or  two  to  Brown's  "  little  place  ").   "RATHER  A  PITY  YOU  HAVEN'T  ANY  CABS  OR  'BUSES  HERE,  ISN  T  IT  ? " 

Brown.  "PITY?  NOT  A  BIT  !    WHY,  WE  HAVE  A  GRAND  THREE-MILE  WALK  BEFORE  us  ;   BUT  IF  YOU  'RE  NOT  A  GOOD  WALKER,  WE 

CAN  SAVE  A  GOOD  MILE  OR  so  BY  CUTTING  ACROSS  THESE  FIELDS  ! "  {Friend  rather  wishes  he  hadn't  come. 


ECONOMICAL  REFBESHMENTS. 
(At  a  Dance  in  aid  of  a  Dispensary. ) 

TOUCH  not  that  fatal  lemonade ! 

That  claret-cup,  I  have  a  notion, 
Is  like  the  drinks  the  BORGIAS  made — 

A  healthy,  hospitable  potion ! 

That  sherry  is  an  English  wine ; 

They     give     us     drinks     they     "  didn't 

oughter," 
Perhaps  to  suit  some  tastes — not  mine  ; 

I  '11  take  a  glass  of  simple  water. 

And  ices,  too,  like  those  are  sold 

On  any  barrow  for  a  penny  ; 
Small  boys  survive  them,  I  am  told. 

No,  thank  you,  I  will  not  take  any  1 

Oh,  doctors,  did  you  plan  this  dance 
That  to  this  fact  we  might  awaken — 

There  comes  to  all  of  us  by  chance 
A  time  when  physic  must  be  taken ; 

Dispensaries  are  needful,  so 
We,  having  made  a  contribution, 

Should  after  such  refreshment  go 
Ourselves  to  test  your  institution  ? 


As  we  Live  now. 

Go-ahead  Squire  (to  rector's  factotum). 
Well,  RINGWELL,  what  can  I  do  for  you  ? 

Ringwell.  Master's  compliments,  and 
could  you  oblige  him,  Sir,  with  your  motor- 
car to  try  the  ice  on  the  parish  pond  ? 


THE  "NEW  BOY." 

(His  Rules  for  Parents  during  the  Holidays.) 

1 .  ALL  parents  must  get  up  early  in  the 
morning,  in  order  to  e^e  that  the  house  is 
made  perfectly  comfortable  before  the  chil- 
dren   come     down — fires    in    full    swing, 
prayers  over,  newspapers  aired,  and  break- 
fast laid. 

2.  Bread  and  milk,  and  porridge  are  for- 
bidden as  articles  of  food.     The  daily  bill 
of  fare  to  be  submitted  to  a  committee  of 
children. 

3.  Bikes  to  be  supplied  to  all  children, 
with,   when   space    permits,    at  least   one 
motor-car. 

4.  Smoking  cigarettes  everywhere  to  be 
permitted. 

5.  Late    dinner    every    night,    but    no 
grown-up  parties. 

6.  List  of  amusements,  theatres,  dances, 
&c.,  to  be  arranged  by  the  children  on  the 
first  day  of  the  vacation. 

7.  No  holiday  tasks,  and  no  lectures. 

8.  No  fixed  time  for  going  to  bed  or 
rising  in  the  morning. 

9.  Pocket-money,  as  settled  by  abitra- 
tion,  to   be    served   out  every  day   after 
breakfast  or  lunch. 

10.  All  rooms  to  be  free  for  romps  or 
games. 

11.  All  servants  to  obey  orders  from  the 
children,    without  heeding   the   habits   or 
wishes  of  parents. 


12.  No  slops  to  be  served  out.     Cham- 
pagne every  night. 

13.  Noise  must  never  be  objected  to. 
Football,  when  desired,  in  all  the  passages. 

14.  It  is  distinctly  to  be  understood  that 
any  breach   of  the  above  regulations  will 
entitle  the  children  to  GO  ON  STRIKE,  and 
remain  out  till  a  handsome  indemnity  has 
been  paid  and  apologies  offered. 

15.  It  is  also  understood  that  the  word 
"  parents  "  includes  grandparents,  uncles, 
aunts,  cousins  (grown  up),  guardians,  and 
all  other  tyrannical  persons  whatsoever. 


CHRISTMAS  CARDS. — Booklets  and  calen- 
dars of  most  subtle  daintiness  come  from 
those  artistic  firms  of  MAKCTJS  WARD  and 
RAPHAEL  TUCK  &  SONS,  who  have  politely 
left  their  Christmas  cards  on  us  at  our 
office.  MISCH  &  STOCK  evidently  decided 
that  "  it 's  humour  we  want,"  and  so,  on  a 
good  Christmas  Mischipn,  they  have  set 
out  with  a  Stock  of  quaint  novelties. 


A  NEW  GAME. — There  is  an  uncompro- 
mising sound  about  "  Table  Football," 
which,  being  brought  out  by  "WooLF  & 
SON."  sounds  suggestive  of  "  bear-fighting  " 
in  the  dining-room.  But  it 's  a  quiet  game. 
Don't  keep  the  Woolf  from  the  door.  Let 
him  in. 

ADVICE  TO  A  DEMAGOGUE.  —  Remember 
that  it  isn't  Mann  who  disposes  of  both 
land  and  sea. 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  12,  1896. 


HINTS  FROM  OUR  INVENTOR'S  NOTE-BOOK 

THE  INFANT-CARRIER.    HIGHLY  RECOMMENDED  FOR  TWINS. 


AUGUSTE  EN  ANGLETERRE. 
A  MARRIAGE. 

DEAR  MISTER, — During  that  I  write  the  notes  for  my  guide, 
in  visiting  the  english  towns,  I  am  alldays  very  content  of  to 
have  the  occasion  of  to  observe  the  manners  and  the  habitudes 
of  your  compatriots.  I  have  spoken  there  is  some  time  of  a 
"  croquetparty  "  ;  at  present  I  go  to  describe  a  marriage. 

He  goos  without  to  say  that,  after  to  have  received  the  in- 
vitation, I  expedite  a  little  cadeau  de  noces,  a  little  gift  of 
nuptials,  to  the  charming  miss.  That  it  is  precisely  as  in 
France,  and  one  cannot  mistake  himself.  But  I  wanted,  je 
manquai,  of  to  mistake  myself  otherwise. 

Naturally  I  have  the  intention  of  to  go  to  the  church  in  black 
habit  and  white  cravat,  also  as  in  France.  For  not  to  mistake 
myself  I  ask  to  one  of  my  friends,  also  invited,  if  one  carries  his 
habit,  his  frac,  at  the  church,  and  he  responds  that  yes,  one 
carries  his  frac  coat.  Therefore  I  dress  myself  after  the 
dejeuwr,  and  I  attend  this  friend,  because  I  go  with  him  to  the 
church.  He  arrives  a  little  in  delay,  en  retard,  and  the  instant 
that  he  perceives  me  he  cries  hims?lr,  "Bijove,  my  dear  fellow, 
did  not  I  tell  you  that  at  a  wedding  one  wears  a  frac  coat  ?  "  "  Eh, 
well,"  I  respond,  "I  have  put  my  frac  coat.  Why  have  you  not 
done  of  same  ?  "  "  You  mean,"  says  he,  "  you  are  going  to  put 
on  your  frac  coat  ?  But  you  cannot  wear  it  with  an  evening 
waistcoat  and  a  white  tie."  We  say  all  this  very  quick,  being 
so  pressed.  "For  why  not?"  I  demand,  "and  also  why  are  not 
you  ready?"  "I  am,"  responds  he.  "Tiens!  How  that? 
You  wish  to  say  that  one  goes  to  a  marriage  en  redingote  ?  "  "  In 
a  frac  coat,  of  course."  Then  I  comprehend  that  in  english  a 
frac  is  a  redingote,  and  also  that  I  have  not  one  instant  to  lose. 

Aided  by  my  friend,  I  throw  my  gibus,  my  frac,  my  white 
cravat,  my  white  gloves,  and  my  other  habits,  I  put  a  grey 
cravat  in  marine  knot,  a  redingote,  &c.,  I  seize  my  hat  high 
form,  we  descend  to  the  carriage,  and  as  quick  as  possible  we  go 
to  the  church,  where  we  arrive  much  in  delay. 

The  church  is  filled  of  world.  Not  only  all  the  parents  of  the 
charming  fiancee,  the  female  affianced  one,  and  all  the  parents  of 
the  male  affianced  one,  and  all  the  inviteds,  but  also  of  other 
persons,  some  women,  even  some  childs,  who  are  entered  for  to 
see  the  marriage.  As  in  France,  it  is  a  spectacle  for  them. 
By  consequence  we  are  obliged  of  to  rest  all  at  the  end  of  the 
nave,  and  I  see  not  anything  of  the  marriage.  In  effect  the 
women  hold  themselves  upright  all  the  time,  and  the  childs  are 
even  on  the  benches,  all  regarding  the  ceremony.  However 


it  the  fine,  between  the  heads  of  my  neighbours,  I  see  to  pass  the 
nuptial  cortege — the  new  marrieds,  the  misses  of  honour,  and  the 
witnesses.  Then  all  the  world  precipitates  himself  in  the  street, 
md  after  some  time  we  find  our  carriage,  and  we  go  at,  chez,  the 
nother  of  the  young  spouse. 

There  also  much  of  world,  for  that  which  we  call  in  France 
' un  fivoclock"  or  " un  lunch  de  cinq  heures."  The  new  marrieds 
•eceive  in  the  saloon  the  felicitations  of  their  friends,  and  me 
ilso  I  give  to  each  one  a  shake-hands,  and  I  say,  "  All  my  feli- 
3itations."  Then  I  am  presented  to  some  ones  of  the  ladys  and 
to  the  charming  misses  of  honour.  And  all  the  world  goes  to 
see  the  beautiful  gifts  of  nuptials,  exposed  in  the  hall  of  billiards. 
As  in  France  the  friends  have  given  enormously  of  tMieres,  tea- 
pots, of  salieres,  salt-pots,  and  of  bonbonnieres,  goodies-pots,  but 
there  is  much  of  objects  of  more  great  value,  in  jewellery  and 
n  goldsmithery,  as  well  as  in  silvery,  and  also  some  cheques. 
Ah,  the  charming  cheques — not  of  Panama! 

During  all  this  time  one  can  not  to  seat  himself  in  any  room, 
it  cause  of  the  number  of  the  assistants,  and  all  simply  also  be- 
pause  he  wants,  il  manque,  absolutely  of  chair.  It  is  very 
fatiguing.  However,  in  fine  the  new  marrieds  go  themselves 
iway  to  the  station,  and  me  also  I  can  to  part  for  to  repose  my- 
self at  the  hotel,  where  I  put  my  black  habit  and  my  white  cra- 
vat, without  fear  of  to  mistake  myself  this  time  here,  for  the 
ball  of  the  evening. 

It  is  a  ball  of  the  most  ravishings.  Me  I  dance  with  the  charm- 
ing engliih  misses  just  to  the  fine.  That  they  are  adorable!  So 
gay,  so  animated !  And  all  the  time  that  I  speak  they  have 
the  air  so  amiable,  so  smiling,  from  the  moment  where  I  say, 
'Will  you  accord  me  a  valse,  miss?"  And  I  conduct  of  them 
someones  to  the  buffet  for  to  take  a  gazeous  lemonade — ah  no, 
it  is  a  squash  of  lemon! — or  an  ice,  and  more  late  all  the  world 
goes  to  the  supper.  Then  we  dance  still ;  there  is  the  Dance  of 
the  Barn,  and  a  dance  all  new,  the  "  Washington's  Post,"  very 
droll  in  effect.  At  three  of  clock  and  half  of  the  morning  it  is 
finished,  I  give  a  shake-hands  to  the  amiable  hostess,  and  I 
part  with  thousand  thanks  of  her  gracious  hospitality. 

Agree,   &c.,  AFOFSTR. 


AT  NAZARETH    HOUSE. 

A  very  practical  Christmas  Carol. 

GOD  bless  you,  merry  gentlemen  !     Does  misery  you  dismay  ? 
Remember  Charity,  like  Love,  will  always  find  a  way. 
And  as  the  Christmastide  draws  nigh  when  Charity,  at  least, 
Would  bid  the  sufferer's  soul  rejoice,  and  let  the  poorest  feast, 
Let  grateful  thoughts  of  Nazareth,  and  all  the  boon  and  bliss 
That  name  still  brings  to  bruised  hearts  in  so  sad  world  as  this, 
Rouse  you  to  service  of  your  kind,  the  spirit's  best  response 
To  the  Great  Service  done  by  One  for  all ! 

He  who  but  once 

Has  passed  the  threshold  of  that  door  wide  open  unto  all 
At  Nazareth  House  at  Hammersmith,  is  evermore  the  thrall 
Of  tender,  loving  memories.     Spontaneous  there  hath  sprung. 
In  service  of  the  very  old  and  of  the  very  young, 
Needs  bitterest  extremes,  a  spring  of  charity  and  love 
As  pure  as  inexhaustible.     From  sources  high  above 
The  dusty  level  of  our  days  such  streams  must  ever  flow ; 
But  rains  that  fall  on  loftiest  heights  enrich  the  plains  below. 
And  piety  and  passionate  humanity  combine 
To  perfect  Charity's  best  work.     Wouldst  have  such  work  be 

thino, 

Not  in  devoted  hermitage,  but  as  a  quickening  gleam 
Amidst  life's  daily  battle-task  ?  Then  help  to  swell  that  stream 
Which  freely  flows  for  old  and  young,  for  every  class  and  creed. 
From  Nazareth's  nurturing  ministry.     Great  ever  is  the  need 
Of  rills  auxiliar,  for  the  wastes  of  London's  life  are  wide  ; 
Poverty's  parching  thirst  is  sore,  sorrow  on  every  side 
Pleads  mutely  for  compassionate  aid  that  overtaxes  still 
The  scant  resource  of  Christian  love,  the  coffers  of  goodwill 
Help  swell  them  !     'Tis  a  Christian  task  that  brings  a  double 

boon 

To  self  and  to  the  suffering  poor.     Send  freely  and  send  soon  ! 
Go,  see  the  sisterhood's  good  work,  sick  children  taught  to 

smile, 

And  old  folk  in  safe  hermitage.     It  shall  be  worth  your  while, 
And  leave  sweet  recollection.     Nought  will  be  rejected  there, 
The  modest  dole,  the  cast-off  garb,  the  broken  food,  the  prayer ! 
All  who  would  mark  at  Christmastide,  love,   grateful  heart, 

clad  hope, 
At   Nazareth  House  in  Hammersmith   shall   find  most  fitting 

scope. 


DECEMBER  19,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


289 


\ 


A    MODERN    PEGASUS. 

Purchaser.   "CAN  HE  JUMP?" 

Irish  Dealer.  "JUMP?    BEDAT>,  IF  YE  WAS  TO  PUT  HIM  IN  A  FIELD,  YE'D  HAVE  TO  PUT 

A   LlD  ON   UT  TO   RAPE   HIM   IN  !  " 


SALLY,  OUR  SALLY  ! 

(English  Version  sung  by  an  Ecstatic  Frenchman 
on  the  Great  Day  of  Sarah  Berrihardt's  Art- 
Apotheosis.  ) 

AIR — "  Sally  in  our  Alley." 

OF  all  the  artistes  svelte  and  smart 

There 's  none  like  our  SALLY. 
She  is  the  crown  of  Gallic  Art, 

And  to  her  shrine  we  '11  rally. 
No  actress  born,  however  grand, 

Is  half  so  great  as  SALLY  ; 
She  is  the  darling  of  our  land, 

Beloved  ex-cep-tion-ally ! 

Of  all  the  days  in  this  great  week 

Fame  will  red-letter  one  day. 
And  that 's  the  day  that  came  between 

This  Wednesday  and  last  Monday. 
For  "  Toute  France. ,"  drest  in  all  its  best, 

Crowded  to  worship  SALLY, 
And  see  her  canonised  by  Art 

Most  alle-gori-cally ! 

What  was  the  Excitement  about  P 

ONLY  that  just  as  Madame  CARAMEL  (of 
the  famous  bonbon  dealers,  NOTJGAT  et 
CARAMEL)  of  Bond  Street,  was  serving  the 
Duchess  of  HYPERION  with  a  pound  of 
sugared  orchids,  a  burly  stranger,  evi- 
dently an  agriculturist  up  for  the  Cattle 
Show,  entered  and  exclaimed,  "I  say, 
missus,  put  us  oop  a  crown's  worth  o' 
brandy  balls  and  mint  drops  to  take 
whoam  ta  the  youngsters."  No  wonder 
that  the  Duchess  and  Madame  simulta- 
neously fainted,  that  Sir  REGINALD  CARI- 
BEATJ  upset  his  fragrant  chocolaite  over  his 
irreproachable  pantaloons,  that  the  exqui- 
site Hebes  cried  "  Murder !  Police !  "  and 
that  the  burly  stranger  beat  a  hasty  re- 
treat, muttering,  "  Well,  I  'm  danged  if 
this  hain't  a  sweet-stoof  shop  for  loo- 
naatics !  " 

VOL.    CXI. 


A  VAGABOND  FIELD-MARSHAL. 

[At  the  New  Vagabonds'  Christmas  Dinner,  on 
December  9,  Lord  ROBERTS  (who  is  about  to  pub- 
lish his  reminiscences)  claimed,  as  a  soldier,  to  be 
an  old  vagabond — a  father  of  vagabonds  among  the 
Xew  Vagabonds.] 

COME,  Vagabonds,  and  divagate, 

Vagarious  and  various, 
Extravagantly  up-to-date, 

Gregarious,  hilarious ! 

We  Ve  gained  last  week  a  new  recruit, 
A  vagrant  like  the  rest  of  us, 

A  V.C.  and  a  peer  to  boot, 

Who  soon  will  prove  the  best  of  us. 

A  veteran  and  a  hero,  too. 

Has  joined  the  ranks  of  vagrancy ; 

A  vagrom  old  before  he  's  New, 
Is  Bobs  in  fine  full  flagrancy ! 

He 's  of  the  stuff  that 's  made  our  race 
E'er  readier  through  the  centuries 

To  rove  and  roam  from  place  to  place 
Where  fighting  and  adventure  is. 

Bohemia's  latest  denizen 

We  toast  with  free  festivity, 

Here 's  to  his  sword,  here  's  to  his  pen — 
More  power  to  their  activity ! 


At  the   "Nut,"  Portsmouth. 

First  Midshipmite  (reading  from  paper) . 
"  The  French  fleet  is  avowedly  the  least 
fast  in  the  world." 

Second  ditto.  By  George  !  What  a  bad 
chance  the  poor  devils  will  have  when  they 
have  to  run  away  I 

AT   THE  PLAY-HOUSE. 

Evangeline.  Why  is  this  called  the  dress 
circle,  mamma? 

Mamma.  Because  the  stalls  are  the  un- 
dress circle,  dear. 


CQ 


SPORTIVE  SONGS. 

A  Bachelor  of  none  too  large  fortune,  living  in 
Chambers,  having  distributed  Christmas 
largesse,  himself  receives  a  "Tip"  of  great 
value. 

THE  Time  of  Tips  is  drawing  nigh, 

Each  varlet  is  alert ; 
The  open  hand,  the  eager  eye, 

The  love  for  eating  dirt, 
Proclaim  that  he  awaits  the  prey 

That  he  has  long  marked  down — 
He  will  not  have  me  say  him  nay, 

He  'd  take  my  last  half-crown. 

The  crossing-sweeper  holds  his  broom 

Like  pistol  at  my  head, 
And  in  the  thick  December  gloom 

Proclaims  I  must  be  bled. 
The  waiters  at  the  Club  prepare 

For  coming  showers  of  pelf. 
I  must  subscribe — the  list  is  there 

Upon  the  mantel-shelf ! 

The  dustman,  heedless  of  neglect 

That  laid  me  up  for  weeks, 
Develops  now  a  smirk  respect 

Proclaiming  what  he  seeks. 
Yon  postman,  whom  I  know  too  well 

As  harbinger  of  ills, 
Asks  ransom,  while  he  wields  the  spell 

Of  countless  unpaid  bills ! 

That  paper  boy,  who  always  knocks 

With  fierce  and  fiendish  cry, 
Anticipates  a  Christmas  box — 

He  knows  I  cannot  fly ! 
His  comrades,  imps  who  love  to  pick 

The  paint  from  off  my  door, 
Will  get,  not  any  vengeful  kick, 

But  halfpence,  as  before  1 

Our  housekeeper,  a  wily  soul, 

(I'm  sure,  with  double  keys,) 
Who  on  my  cellar  levies  toll, 

Must  have  her  double  fees ! 
Our  porter,  such  a  surly  beast, 

Who  will  not  touch  his  cap, 
Shall  have  a  sovereign  at  least, 

Though  I  have  not  a  rap ! 

Their  satellites,  a  ravening  band — 

I  do  not  know  their  names. 
Indeed,  I  cannot  understand 

Why  they  on  me  have  claims. 
But  all  of  them,  I'm  gravely  told, 

Have  for  me  done  much  work — 
Pour  out  the  coppers,  silver,  gold, 

My  duty  I  '11  not  shirk ! 

*  *  *  * 

A  beggar  for  the  nonce  I  sit, 

But  by  no  care  opprest. 
The  Yule-log  burns,  the  lamp  is  lit, 

The  whiskey 's  of  the  best. 
I  too  have  got  a  tip  at  last, 

The  happiest  of  my  life. 
Ynu  give  it !    Hang  the  Present,  Past ! 

Next  year  I  'II  have  a  wife  ! 


In  a  Birmingham  Smoke-room. 

Toting  Rnseleaf  (to  histrionic  stranger, 
who  says  that  he  teas  at  Oxford).  Of 
course  you  keep  up  the  traditions  of  Alma 
Mater? 

Histrionic  Stranger  (slightly  fuddled). 
Alma  Mater!  Rather!  You  should  have 
seen  her  in  burlesque,  my  boy ! 


In  the  Billiard  Room. 

Major  Carambole.  I  never  give  any 
bribes  to  the  club  servants,  on  principle. 

Captain  Hazard.  Then  I  suppose  the 
marker  looks  on  the  tip  of  your  cue  with- 
out interest. 


290 


PUNCH,     OR     THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI.  [DECEMBER  19,  1896. 


a 

M 

M 


Ill 

E  S3 


uj 

z 
o 

C5 


o 

o 


TH 
a 

w 

02 


O 


DECEMBER  19,  1896.]  PUNCH,     OR     THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI. 


291 


ANXIOUS   TO    SELL. 

Dealer  (to  Hv/nting  Man,  whose  mount  has  NOT  answered  expectations).  "How  MUCH  DO  YOU  WANT  FOR  THAT  NAG  o'  YOURS,*  SIB?" 
Hunting  Man.   "WELL,  I  'LL  TAKE  A  HUNDRED  GUINEAS."         Dealer.   "MAKE  IT  SHILLINGS."        H.  M.  (delighted).  "HE'S  YOUBS!" 


WHAT  MR.  BULL  THINKS. 

CONCERNING  SOME  WHO  TALK  ABOUT  HIM. 
(Wi'.li  apologies  to  Hosea  Biglow.) 

SOME  say  if  J   B.  were  a  sensible  man, 

He  would  just  stay  at  home  and  look  after  his  folk ; 
Of  his  tight  little  island  make  all  that  he  can, 
And  into  no  foreign  potato-patch  poke. 
But  J.  B., 
Boss  of  the  sea, 
Says  that  foreign  palaver 's  all  fiddle-de-dee  I 

"  My !  ain't  it  terrible  ?     What  shall  we  do  ? 

We  can't  block  his  road  on  the  billows — that 's  flat. 
Guess  we  shall  have  to  combine,  do  not  you  ? 

And  go  in  for  big  fleets,  great  guns,  and  all  that  I  " 
But  J.  B. 

Has  some  L.  S.  D., 
And  says,  "  For  their  two  ships  I  'm  game  to  build  three ! ' 

Uncle  SAM  is  "  a  dreffle  smart  man  "  : 

He  calls  JOHN  a  "  Gold  Bug,"  a  piler  of  pelf. 
If  consistency  now  were  a  part  of  SAM'S  plan, 

Spite  of  BBYAN'S  tall  talk,  he  would  look  to — himself  ! 
And  J.  B. 
Says  that  L.  S.  D. 
Can  be  worshipped  as  well  put  in  dollars,  says  he. 

Count  POSADOWSKY  declares  that  the  Strike 

At  Hamburg  is  bossed  by  BULL'S  capitalists  ; 
And  that  German  leaders  and  workmen  alike 
Are  seduced  by  our  Traders,  whom  TOM  MANN  assists  1 1 
But  J.  B. 

Says  the  Teuton  Count  P. 
Spyeth  "  English  Shippers  "  where  no  shippers  be. 


The  Frenchman  hints  that  the  murder  and  pillage 

Which  still  the  sick  air  of  Armenia  taint, 
Are  stirred  up — for  gain — in  our  big  British  village  1 
Well,  BULL  in  the  market  won't  pose  as  a  saint, 
But  J.  B. 

(Though  he  loves  L.  S.  D.), 
To  stop  them  but  waits  till  his  censors  agree. 

The  Northern  Bear  growls,  "  BULL  is  still  on  the  make  I " 

Now  Bruin,  of  course,  is  an  innocent  beast, 
Who  Constantinople  would  scorn  for  to  take, 
And  has  not  an  eye  on  the  Chinese  far  East. 
But  J.  B. 

Says  a  view  of  the  sea 
And  "  warm  water  "  might  suit  travelling  Bears — to  a  T ! 

Plain  English  would  dub  these  wild  statements  as  lies  1 
They  are  nothing  on  earth  but  fee,  faw,  fumt 

The  "  Vampire,"  the  "  Gold  Bug,"  who  blood-sucks  or  buys 
His  way  to  the  front,  is  a  bogey,  a  hum. 
And  J.  B. 


"  It  may  amuse 


Says,  smiling,  says  he^ 
them,  and  it  doesn't  h 


urt  me ! 


"  Young  BRYAN — he  's  scarce  learned  the  lesson  of  life — 
Thinks  me  the  Gold  Calf  in  top-boots  and  tight  coat. 
Young  WILHELM,  whose  music  is  all  drum  and  fife, 
Deems  me  a  mere  slave  to  the  democrat  vote. 
But  though  they  're  so  free 
In  their  pictures  of  me. 
They  do  not  know  much  of  the  real  J.  B. 
"  Perhaps  it 's  a  mercy  I  've  many  to  tell  me 

The  greedy,  perfidious  fellow  I  am ! 
But  though  they  may  chivey  they  will  not  compel  me 
To  take  angry  chaff  for  the  truth's  real  jam. 
For  J.  B., 

While  he  's  healthy  and  free, 
Won't  budge  every  time  someone  holloas  out '  Gee  I '  " 


292 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  19,  1896. 


JOTTINGS    AND    TITTLINGS. 

(Bv  BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO  JABBERJEE,  B.A.) 
No.  XXXI. 

Mankletow  v.  Jabberjee  (continued}.  The  Defendant  brings  his  Speech  to 
a  somewhat  unexpected  conclusion,  and  Mr.  Witherington,  Q.O., 
addresses  the  Jury^in  reply. 

Mr  aforesaid  shorthanded  acquaintance  has  very  fortunately 
preserved  the  literal  transcript  of  my  concluding  oration,  which 


J 


"  Jabberjee's  face  gradually  lengthens." 

will  afford  a  feeble  idea  of  the  grandiloquence  of  my  loquacity. 
— H.  B.  J. 

VERBATIM  REPORT  (unofficial). 

Baboo  Jab.  May  it  please  your  mighty  honour  and  great  notori- 
ous gentlemen  on  the  jury,  it  must  present  a  strange  and  funny 
appearance  to  behold  a  young  Indian  B.A.,  provided  with  a  big 
education  and  the  locus  standi  of  barrister-aHaw,  crawling 
humbly  towards  your  footstools  as  a  suppliant,  and  already  I  per- 
ceive from  your  benevolent  and  smirking  visages  that  your  hearts 
are  favourably  inclined  towards  your  unfortunate  son,  and  that 
you  are  too  deeply  imbrued  with  serpentine  wisdom  to  be  at 
all  bamfoozled  by  the  ad  captandum  charms  of  feminine  cajo- 
leries. Indeed,  I  am  a  poor  penniless  chap,  if  not  almost  completely 
dead  for  want  of  funds,  and  if  I  had  only  been  able  to  call  my 
revered  and  fatherly  benefactor,  Hon'ble  Sir  CUMMERBUND,  he 
would  infallibly  have  testified 

The  Judge.  As  you  did  not  think  proper — no  doubt  for  ex- 
cellent reasons — to  put  Sir  CHETWYND  in  the  box  when  you  could 
have  done  so,  Mr.  JABBERJEE,  I  shall  most  certainly  not  allow  you 
to  make  any  comments  now  upon  the  evidence  he  might  or  might 
not  have  given. 

Baboo  J.  I  beg  to  knuckle  very  submissively  to  your  lord- 
ship's argument.  The  fact  is,  that  the  said  Sir  CUMMERBUND,  on 


hearing  my  answers  when  I  was  acting  in  the  capacity  of  a 
harrowed  toad  under  my  friend  WITHBRINGTON'S  cross-examina- 
tion, very  handsomely  stated  that  I  had  left  nothing  for  him  to 
say,  and  begged  modestly  that  he  might  be  excused.  But  indeed, 
Misters,  I  occupy  but  a  very  beggarly  apartment  in  this  Fools' 
Hotel  of  a  world,  and  it  is  the  moral  impossibility  for  me  to  pay 
any  damages  whatever!  Moreover,  it  is  a  well-authenticated 
fact  that  I  am  a  shocking  coward,  and  was  induced  to  become 
affianced  by  haunting  apprehensions  of  receiving  a  succession  of 
severe  kicks.  For  how,  being  suddenly  put  to  my  choice  between 
being  barbarously  kicked  and  punched  or  acquiring  a  spruce  and 
blooming  bride,  could  I  hesitate  for  a  moment  to  accept  the  lesser 
of  two  evils?  Nevertheless,  I  did  remain  uninterruptedly 
devoted  to  the  plaintiff  for  many  weeks — until  I  encountered  a 
still  younger  and  more  bewitching  lady,  who  became  the  Polar 
Star  to  my  compass-like  heart.  But,  lackadaisy,  Sirs!  though 
I  left  no  stones  unturned  to  be  off  with  my  Old  Love,  I  did  not 
get  on  very  fortunately  with  the  New,  seeing  that  she  preferred 
an  affluent  young  Scotch,  whereby  I  am  reduced  to  shedding 
tears  in  silence  and  solicitude  between  two  stools!  (Boars  of 


uuv  ^i/  lUTvvu  it/  ID  .i  ueviusiiiv  oeiiuus  aiia.ii  i  r  or,  aiier  oe- 
bolding  the  plaintiff  here  and  discovering  that  she  had  advanced 
rather  than  retrogaded  in  physical  attractiveness,  I  made  cordial 
approaches  to  her,  but  she  passed  me  by  with  a  superciliously 
exalted  nose!  Gentlemen,  it  is  a  terrific  piece  of  humbug  for 
her  to  allege  that  her  heart  has  been  infernally  lacerated  by  my 
unfaithfulness,  when,  at  this  very  moment,  instead  of  lending  her 
ears  to  my  brief  and  rambling  oration,  she  is  entirely  engrossed 
in  flirtatious  conduct  with  her  curly-pated  juvenile  solicitor! 
(Sensation.) 

Witherington,  Q.C.  (rising).  My  lord,  I  really  must  protest. 
There  is  absolutely  no  justification  for  the  defendant's  outrageous 
insinuation.  I  am  informed  by  Miss  MANKLETOW  that  she 
simply  asked  the  gentleman  sitting  next  to  her  whether  he  had 
seen  her  smelling-salts ! 

The  Judge.  I  fail  to  see,  Mr.  JABBERJEE,  what  advantage  you 
can  hope  to  gain  by  these  highly  irregular  digressions.  The 
plaintiff  is  under  my  immediate  observation,  and  I  have  seen 
nothing  in  her  conduct  during  the  trial  of  which  you  have  the 
smallest  right  to  complain. 

Baboo  J.  I  am  highly  satisfied  by  your  lordship's  obiter  d'^ctum. 
Not  being  in  such  a  coign  of  vantage  as  your  honour's  excel- 
lency, I  was  misled  by  the  propinquity  of  heads  viewed  from  the 
rear.  Now,  before  again  becoming  a  sedentary,  I  am  to  propose 
a  decisive  test  of  plaintiff's  lona  fides  in  desiring  my  insignifi- 
cant self  as  a  spouse.  Herewith  I  beg  humbly  to  have  the 
honour  of  renewing  my  formal  proposal  of  marriage,  and  more- 
over will  pledge  myself  in  most  solemn  and  business-like  style 
never  on  any  account,  whether  so  permitted  by  laws  of  country 
or  vice  versa,  to  take  to  myself  a  single  additional  native  wife  in 
her  lifetime.  This  handsome  offer  is  genuine  and  without  pre- 
judice. (Great  laughter,  and  some  sensation  in  Court  as  JABBER- 
JEE sits  down.) 

Witherington,  O.C.  Your  lordship  will  see  that  this — ah — 
rather  unforeseen  development  renders  it  necessary  that  I  should 
ascertain  the  plaintiff's  views  before  proceeding  to  reply.  (The 
Judge  nods;  breathless  excitement  in  Court  while  the  plaintiff's 
solicitor  carries  on  an  animated  conversation  with  Mr.  W.  in 
undertones. ) 

Witherington  (rising  once  more).  Gentlemen,  I  have,  as  it  was 
my  duty  to  do,  consulted  the  plaintiff  respecting  the  unusual 
course  which  the  defendant  has  thought  proper  to  take.  Her 
answer  to  his  proposal  is  the  answer  whicn  I  am  sure  you  will 
feel  is  the  only  possible  one  in  the  circumstances.  (JAB.  beams.) 
The  plaintiff,  gentlemen,  has  undergone  the  severest  ordeal  a 
young  woman  of  delicacy  and  refinement  can  be  called  upon  to 
endure  ("Hear,  /tear/"  from  JAB.),  and  out  of  that  ordeal  I 
think  you  will  all  agree  she  has  come  absolutely  unscathed. 

I  need  hardly  say  that  she  is  incapable  now  of  harbouring  any 
unworthy  sentiments  of  rancour  or  revenge.  (JAB.  beams  more 
effulgently  still.) 

But,  gentlemen,  there  are  some  injuries  which,  as  you  know, 
a  woman  may  find  herself  able  to  excuse,  to  palliate,  even  to  con- 
done ;  but  which  she  feels  nevertheless  operate  as  an  insuperable 
and  impassable  barrier  between  herself  and  the  individual  who 
could  be  capable  of  them!  (JAB.'s  smile  becomes  a  trifle  less 
assured.) 

After  the  disgraceful  and  unmanly  attempts  the  defendant  has 
made  to  evade  his  obligations ;  his  disingenuous  defences ;  his 
insulting  innuendoes ;  after  the  deplorable  exhibition  he  has 
made  of  himself  in  that  box ;  and  especially  after  the  sombre 
picture  he  himself  has  painted  of  the  domestic  future  he  has  to 
offer ;  after  all  this,  I  ask  you.  gentlemen,  is  it  likely,  is  it 
possible,  is  it  even  conceivable  that  the  plaintiff  can  retain  any 


DECEMBER  19,  1696.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


293 


respect  or  affection  for  him,  or  have  sufficient  courage  and  confi- 
dence to  entrust  her  happiness  to  such  hands?  (JAB.'S  face 
gradually  lengthens.) 

Once,  it  is  true,  under  the  glamour  of  her  own  girlish  illusions, 
she  was  ready  to  expatriate  herself,  to  endure  an  alien  existence, 
and  strange  manners  and  customs  for  his  beloved  sake ;  but  now 
now  that  her  ideal  is  shattered,  her  dream  dispelled,— now,  it  is 
too  late  I  Gentlemen,  my  client's  answer  is — and  it  is  one  which 
will  only  command  your  increased  respect: — "No.  He  has 
broken  my  heart,  undermined  my  belief  in  human  nature,  cast  a 
blight  upon  my  existence.  (Miss  M.  sobs  audibly  here,  and  JAB. 
is  visibly  affected.)  Much  as  I  should  like  to  recover  my  old 
belief  in  him,  much  as  it  would  be  to  my  worldly  advantage  to 
marry  a  wealthy  Bengali  barrister  with  talents  and  influence  which 
are  certain  to  lead  to  rapid  promotion  in  his  native  land  (JAB. 
bows,  and  then  shakes  his  head  in  protest),  he  has  made  me  suffer 
too  much,  I  cannot  accept  him  now  I " 

(The  learned  Counsel  then  dealt  exhaustively  with  various  por- 
tions of  tl\e.  case,  and  concluded  thus.)  Well,  gentlemen,  I  shall 
not  have  to  trouble  you  with  many  further  remarks,  but  I  will 
just  say  this  before  I  sit  down: — The  defendant,  amongst  in- 
numerable other  ingenious  excuses,  has  pleaded  for  your  indul- 
gence on  the  score  of  poverty.  He  has  the  brazen  effrontery  to 
plead  poverty,  forsooth!  after  complacently  admitting,  in  that 
box,  that  he  is  earning  at  this  very  moment  an  income  by  his  pen 
alone  that  might  be  envied  by  many  a  hardworking  English 
journalist!  I  do  not  say  this  by  way  of  making  any  reflection 
upon  the  defendant ;  on  the  contrary,  gentlemen,  I  consider  it 
does  credit  to  his  ability  and  enterprise.  (JAB.  bows  again.) 
But  at  the  same  time  it  disposes  effectually  of  his  allegation  that 
he  is  without  means,  and  indeed,  leaving  his  literary  gains  en- 
tirely out  of  the  question,  it  must  have  been  obvious  from  what 
you  nave  heard  and  seen  of  his  manner  of  living  in  this  country 
that  he  is  amply  provided  with  pecuniary  resources.  Bearing 
this  in  mind,  gentlemen,  I  ask  you  to  mark  your  sense  of  his 
heartless  treatment  of  the  plaintiff,  and  the  mental  and  social 
injury  she  has  suffered  on  nis  account,  by  awarding  her  sub- 
stantial damages ;  not,  I  need  scarcely  say,  in  any  spirit  of  vin- 
dictiveness,  but  as  some  compensation  (however  inadequate)  for 
all  she  has  gone  through,  and  also  as  a  warning  to  other  ingratia- 
ting but  unprincipled  Orientals  that  they  cannot  expect  to  trifle 
with  the  artless  affection  of  our  generous,  warmhearted  English 
maidens  without  paying — aye,  and  paying  dearly,  too!  for  the 
amusement.  (He  sits  down  amidst  applause.) 

NOTE  BY  MB.  JABBEBJEE. — Hon'ble  Judge  is  to  sum  up  after 
lunch.  I  am  highly  pained  and  disappointed  that  my  friend 
WITHERINGTON  should  have  shown  himself  a  perfidious,  and  have 
taken  the  liberty  as  he  quitted  the  Court  to  murmur  the  plain- 
tive remonstrance  of  "  Et  tu,  Brute  !  "  into  the  cavity  of  his  left 
ear. 

My  solicitor,  SIDNEY  SMABTLE,  is  of  the  opinion  that  my  case 
is  looking  "  a  bit  rocky,"  but  that  much  will  depend  upon  how 
the  Judge  sums  up.  What  a  pity  that,  owing  to  judicial  red- 
tapery,  I  am  prohibited  from  popping  in  upon  him  at  lunch  and 
importuning  him  to  pronounce  a  decree  in  my  favour  1 


THE  WAY  THEY  HAVE  IN  THE  NAVY. 

(Fragment'^/ a  Nautical  Romance  a  la  Charles  Beresford.) 

IT  was,  indeed,  a  magnificent  sight.  The  whole  of  the  ship's 
company  were  beat  to  quarters  and  waiting  the  signal  for  de- 

Karture.     The  fine  old  admiral  stood  on  the  modern  equivalent 
ir  the  quarter-deck,  surrounded  by  the  senior  officers.     He  and 
his  captain,  his  navigating  lieutenant,  and  a  score  of  other  sub- 
ordinates.    He  had  reason  to  glance  proudly  at  the  apology  of  a 
mast  from  which  gaily  flew  his  pennant. 

"  My  lads,"  he  cried  through  a  speaking-trumpet,  "  and  under 
this  title  I  salute  both  bluejackets  and  redcoats,  remember  that 
the  eyes  of  the  world  are  fixed  upon  you.  And  now,  Sir,  give 
my  favourite  signal." 

Upon  this  the  well-known  combination  was  run  up,  and  the 
fleet  in  general,  and  the  crew  of  the  Stupendous  in  particular, 
were  desired  to  recollect  that  "  England  expected  every  man  to 
do  his  duty."  The  familiar  token  provoked  the  customary 
applause. 

And  now,  my  lads,  one  word  more,"  continued  the  veteran 
Admiral  of  the  Fleet,  still  using  his  speaking-trumpet.  "  You  see 
before  you  the  enemy — come  to  close  quarters  with  him,  grapple 
with  him  and  defeat  him.  Bear  in  mind  that  no  commander  can 
go  wrong  who,  without  further  direction  from  me,  crushes  his 
nearest  opponent.  And  now  three  cheers  for  Queen  and  country, 
and  away  with  ye." 

The  shouts  were  deafening^  and  then  the  men,  responding  to 
the  whistles  of  the  boatswains,  flew  hither  and  thither  in  all 
directions.  But,  strange  to  say,  the  Stupendous  did  not  move. 


THE    NEW    HANSOM    CAB-GIRL 

3  (A  Suggestion  for  the  Railway  Companies.) 


"  In  the  name  of  NELSON,"  shouted  the  admiral,  using  an 
invocation  reserved  for  moments  of  the  fiercest  excitement, 
"  what  is  the  meaning  of  this  ?  Have  I  not  commanded  my  be- 
loved vessel  to  grapple  with  the  enemy,  and  here  she  floats  like 
a  log  of  wood  on  the  restricted  surface  of  a  landlubber's  water- 
butt  !  What  is  the  meaning  of  this  strange  inaction  ?  " 

The  old  sailor  used  a  stronger  epithet  than  "  strange,"  but 
the  word  chosen  must  stand  as  a  substitute.  But  for  all  the 
cries  of  the  admiral,  the  commands  of  his  officers,  and  the  activity 
of  his  crew  the  good  ship  made  no  progress.  She  rode  the  waves 
like  a  painted  snip  upon  a  painted  ocean. 

Then  there  was  a  hurried  consultation,  and  the  junior  cadet 
was  chosen  by  his  seniors  to  give  the  required  explanation. 

"  If  you  please,  Sir,"  began  the  young  gentleman,  in  faltering 
tones,  "  it  is  not  our  fault. 

"  Not  your  fault  1  "  thundered  the  admiral.  "  Here  you  are, 
six  hundred  strong,  and  you  can't  move  a  foot !  Not  your  fault, 
indeed !  Why  isn't  it  your  fault,  Sirrah  ?  " 

Then  came  the  explanation,  uttered  in  broken  accents,  by  the 
trembling  youngster. 

"  Because,  Sir,  in  spite  of  all  our  men,  we  can't  cause  the 
engines  to  move.  The  fact  is,  Sir,  we  haven't  got  a  stoker!  " 


An  Ancient  Irish  Missile. 

WE  take  the  following  extract  from  the  Daily  Chronicle's  re- 
port of  a  lecture  on  "  The  Life  of  an  Old  Irish  Hero,"  delivered 
recently  at  the  "Workmen's  College  :  — 

"  CUCHULINN  was  a  type  of  all  the  heroes  of  Ireland.  In  all  his  conflicts  he 
displayed  a  high  sense  of  honour  and  of  chivalry.  Being  opposed  by  a  great 
number  of  foes,  he  was  called  upon  to  cast  away  his  spear.  Sis  sense  of 
honour  was  so  great  that  he  threw  it  at  his  Joes,  and  it  went  through  the  heads 
of  nine  men." 

It  must  have  been  an  exceptionally  keen  sense  of  honour. 


294 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  19,  1896. 


HOPELESS    CASE.: 

Hostess.  "WHY  DIDN'T  YOU  COME  TO  us  ON  SATURDAY?    I  SUPPOSE  YOU  HAD  SOMETHING  BETTER  TO  DO?' 
Admiring  Visitor  (nervously).  "No,  I  ASSURE  YOU    ON  THE  CONTRARY,  IT  WAS  SOXSTHIXQ  uuca  WORSE!" 


OUR  BOOKING-OFFICE.  ^-*' 

THERE  are,  my  Baronite  complains,  few  phenomena  more  tire- 
some than  a  clever  child  when  trotted  out  by  a  fond  parent  or 
an  affectionate,  though  unmarried  aunt.  In  W.  V.  Her  Book 
(ISBISTER)  Mr.  W.  CANTON  has  adventured  the  apparently  im- 
possible, and  has  accomplished  it.  He  has  made  a  charming 
book  about  an  infant  prodigy.  W.  V.  has  the  soul  of  a  poet. 
IJnce,  all  unconsciously,  she  commenced  to  supplement  one  of 
the  most  beautiful  passages  in  WORDSWORTH  by  communicating 
reminiscences  of  what  had  happened  "before  she  came  here." 
Her  remark  was  proffered  with  comprehensive  wave  of  tiny  hand 
round  our  poor  planet.  Being  here,  walking  in  spring-time  through 
;he  garden,  she  notices  that  "  the  bushes  have  their  hands  quite 
ull  of  flowers,"  and  wants  to  know  "  whether  the  buds  are  the 
trees  little  girls  P  "  This  and  much  else  is  simply  told  at  length 
lot  too  extreme.  Occasionally  the  ecstatic  father,  emulous  of 
;he  habit  of  Mr.  Silas  Wegg,  drops  into  poetry.  Here,  also,  the 
nfluence  of  the  child  is  predominant.  The  verses  entitled 

Crying  Abba  Father,"  written  about  the  little  maid,  are  in- 
omparably the  best  of  the  collection. 

Just  a  simple  story  is  The  Oriel  Window,  told  in  her  charming 
way  by  Mrs  MOLESWORTH,  for  quite  young  people.  The  pictures 
are  by  LESLIE  BROOKE.  It  is  published  by  MAOMILLAN  &  Co., 
pho  give  us  also  an  exquisite  edition  of  SHERIDAN'S  Rivals  and 
School  for  Scandal,  delightfully  illustrated  by  EDMUND  J. 
SULLIVAN. 

FISHER  UNWIN;  whose  name  suggests  some  Waltonian  pisca- 
orial  work,  publishes  a  collection  of  Cat  and  Bird  Stories  from 
he  Spectator,  showing  how  the  harmless,  necessary  domestic 
immal  is,  above  all  things,  a  humourist !  Doubtless  the  Specta- 
or  has  heard  many  a  good  thing  of  "  cat-and-dog  life." 

From  F.  WARNE  &  Co.  we  have  The  Eiders;  or,  Through 
rorest  and  Savannah,  by  A.  RUSSAN  and  FREDERICK  BOYLE. 

I  m  a-goingto  the  Sawannahs,"  were  dear  old  John  Willett't 
ast  words.  How  he  would  have  enjoyed  this  book  I  A  capital 
story. 

Catalina _:  Art  Student,  by  L.  T.  MEADE.  A  first-class  heroine 
vith  nothing  in  her  character  that  might  be  suggested 
)y  the  first  syllable  of  her  name.  It  is  very  brightly 


told.  Young  Denys,  by  ELEANOR  C.  PRICE.  An  interesting  tale 
of  an  Englishman  with  the  great  NAPOLEON  before  the  turn  of 
the  tide  that  bought  Waterloo.  He  went  "Nap"  and  lost. 
Another  romance  of  more  subdued  historical  surrounding  is 
The  Black  Tor,  by  G.  MANVILLE  FENN,  which  takes  us  into  rural 
merrie  England  in  the  time  of  JAMES  THE  FIRST.  Go  and  get 


these  books  from  your  Chambers  (Messrs.  W.  and  R.  "  of  that 
ilk").     They  will  be  most  acceptable  gifts  at  Christmas. 

Of  the  "  greenery  yallery,"  but  much  more  of  the  decadent 


"yallery"  school  are  the  fantastic  pictures  by  Mrs.  PEROT 
DEARMER  which  adorn  Wymps,  and  other  Fairy  Tales,  by 
EVELYN  SHARP.  (Published  by  JOHN  LANE,  the  Bodley  Head.) 
The  simple  brilliancy  of  the  cover  alone  reveals  something  of  the 
hidden  delights  of  these  charming  new  stories.  Such  extrava- 
gance in  yellow  and  green  ought  to  pique  the  most  jaded  appetite 
of  any  nursery  pessimist  who  is  fin  de  siecle  au  bout  des  ongles. 

With  the  muster  of  so  good  a  company  as  JOHN  OLIVER 
HOBBES,  MAX  BEERBOHM,  RICHARD  LE  GALLIENNE,  BARRY  PAIN, 
Mrs.  MOLESWORTH,  &c.,  Tlw  Parade,  1897,  edited  by  GLEESON 
WHITE  (H.  HENRY  <fe  Co.),  is  a  magnificent  gift-book  for  some 
more  than  ordinary  girl  or  boy.  The  illustrations  are  numerous, 
and  delightfully  quaint. 

Greatly  doth  the  Baron's  artistic  heart  delight  in  the  first 
part  of  the  enlarged  series  of  The  Magazine  of  Art  brought  out 
by  CASSELL  &  Co.  The  frontispiece,  which  is  a  reproduction 
or  ALMA-TADEMA'S  picture,  "In  my  Studio,"  would  look 
better  were  it  mounted  and  framed.  A  portrait  of 
ALMA-TADEMA  in  the  biographical  sketch  by  Mr.  SPIELMANN  is 
about  as  unlike  the  ALMA-TADEMA  himself  as  any  picture  pro- 
fessedly a  portrait  could  well  be.  But  the  photographs  of  the 
interior  of  the  TADEMA  house  are  charming.  The  article  on  the 
Art  Movement  induces  us  to  hope  that  Beardsleyisms  or  Belhsms 
will  never  be  applied  to  playing-cards.  Under  the  heading  of 
"Notes  and  Queries"  an  inquirer  is  informed  as  to  Sir  JOHN 
TENNIEL'S  contributions  in  water  colours  to  the  Royal  Institution, 
and  of  his  "  Leonardo  da  Vinci  "  in  mosaic,  on  the  west  wall  of 
South  Kensington  Museum. 

"  Everybody,"  writes  KATE  DOUGLAS  WIGGIN,  "  is  at  his  or 
her  best  in  the  presence  of  children."  That  depends  upon  indi- 
vidual cases  on  both  sides.  But  there  is  no  doubt  that  KATE 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— DECEMBER  19,  1896. 


"SEASIDE   LODGINGS." 


RUSSIAN  BEAU.  «'  NICE  VIEW  OF  THE  SEA  !    JUST  WHAT  I  WANTED  !    THINK  I  'LL  TAKE  'EM  !  " 

["The  scheme,''  embodied  in  the  new  Treaty  reported  as  having  been  quite  recently  concluded  between  Russia  and  China,  gives  the  formei 
maritime  outlets,  "  Chinese  ports  in  the  warm  water,  and  even  allows  her  to  plant  her  garrisons  in  Chinese  territory."] 


DECEMBER  19,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


297 


DOUGLAS  (my  Baronite  cannot  away  with  WIOGIN)  is  at  her  very 
best  when  she  takes  a  child  by  either  hand,  or  sits  beaming 
in  their  abundant  company.  Marm  Lisa,  ner  latest  book, 
published  by  GAT  AND  BIRD,  is  the  story  of  a  waif  and  stray,  men- 
tally, morally,  and — not  least  important — physically  warmed  into 
life  by  sisterly  hands.  Lisa  was  the  self-appointed  guardian  of 
Twins,  less  Heavenly  than  any  known  in  modern  literature. 
Atlantic  and  Pacific  they  were  christened,  and  the  combined 
ocean  space  is  scarcely  sufficient  to  cover  their  iniquity.  How 
little  Marm  Lisa,  "  having  all  the  sorrows  and  cares  of  maternity 
with  none  of  its  compensating  joys,"  tended  these  Satanic  imps, 
what  pranks  they  played,  and  how  finally  she  found  rest,  is  a 
story  told  by  KATE  DOUGLAS  with  that  rare  combination  of 
humour  and  pathos  that  is  genius.  THE  BARON. 


IN  THE   ST.  JAMES'S  WOODS   AND    FORESTS. 

EXCELLENTLY  well  has  Mr.  GEORGE  ALEXANDER  placed  on  the 
stage  the  As  You  Like  it  of  Divine  WILLIAM.  Out  of  the 
London  fog  and  damp  into  the  sunny  forest  of  Arden.  "  Arden  " 
is  the  cockney  unaspirated  pronunciation  of  "  Hawarden,"  and 


AN  INTERVIEW. 


hope, 


Mr.  G-rge  Al-x-nd-r  (to  Immortal  Actor-Manager-Dramatist).  I 
Mr.  Shakspeare,  this  play  is  "As  you  like  it "  ? 

Immortal  William.  I'  faith,  good  Master  George,  'tis  something  "like  it." 
Marry,  they  say  /  spell  RUIN  ;  but,  look  you,  'tis  but  transposing  the  old 
letters,  and  here  is  new  matter:  aye,  and  "matter  most  attractive,"  methinks; 
how  say  you  ? 

the  thoughtful  manager  has  certainly  lost  one  point  in  not  em- 
phasising this  by  insisting  on  Mr.  GEORGE  HAWTRET,  as  William, 
making  up  so  as  to  suggest  the  only  WILLIAM  who,  in  our  time, 
has  been  associated  with  "  'Arden."  By  the  way,  Mr.  HAW- 
TREY'S  William  is  very  droll.  Some  great  comedians  have  been 
cast  for  these  two  parts  of  William  and  Audrey — the  latter  is 
taken  by  Miss  KATE  PHILLIPS — and  scored  enormously. 

Except  in  the  wrestling  scene,  which  is  carried  out  with  great 
spirit,  there  is  nothing  for  Mr.  ALEXANDER  as  Orlando  to  do ;  in 
fact,  as  far  as  acting  goes,  it  is  a  one-woman  piece,  and  the  one 
woman  is  Rosalind.  Miss  JULIA  NEILSON  is  most  fascinating  in 
appearance,  and  exceptionally  good  in  her  singing,  gaining  a 
double  encore  for  the  cuckoo  song.  When  Orlando  first  sees 
her  in  boy's  attire,  he  is  struck  by  her  resemblance  to  Rosalind. 
But  had  the  real  Eosalind  been  only  so  sparsely  disguised  about 
the  neck  as  is  Miss  NEILSON  when  impersonating  Ganymede, 
Orlando  could  have  had  no  doubt  about  the  sex  of  the  pretended 
boy  ;  and  this  criticism  applies  also  to  her  hands. 

The  two  best  Rosalinds  I  remember  wore  high-necked  doublets, 
and  buff,  untanned,  rough-looking  gloves.  Miss  NEILSON'S  fault 
is  perpetual  motion ;  she  would  effect  so  much  more  by  doing  so 


much  less.  Yet  will  her  Rosalind  remain  in  the  minds  of  play- 
goers as  a  pleasant  memory.  Mr.  W.  H.  VERNON  is  perfect 
as  Jaques,  his  only  error  being,  in  my  humble  judgment, 
that  ho  looks  too  pleased  with  the  song  which  he  has 
demanded  only  to  sneer  at  it.  A  most  artistic  perform- 
ance is  that  of  Miss  FAY  DAVIS  as  Celia.  The  way  in  which 
Mr.  JAMES  FERNANDEZ,  as  the  exiled  duke,  thoroughly  enjoys 
the  property  boar's  head  and  real  apples,  furnished  at  the  Arden 
picnic,  and  how  he,  in  dumb  show,  his  mouth  being  too  full  for 
speaking,  presses  everybody  to  follow  his  example,  is  a  lesson  to 
all  histrionic  beginners.  The  wicked  brother  Oliver,  played  by 
Mr.  H.  B.  IRVING,  who  repents,  and  falls  in  love  with  the  Fay 
(Davis)  of  the  Forest,  loses  a  chance  of  "  good  business  " ;  for 
when  Rosalind,  hearing  of  her  lover's  hurts,  turns  pale  and  faints, 
there  is  close  at  hand  a  babbling  brook  of  real  water,  which  will 
run  as  long  as  the  piece  does,  and  its  proximity  would  at  once 
suggest  that  a  handful  of  it  gathered  in  a  dock-leaf  and  sprinkled 
over  Rosalind's  pallid  brow,  would  help  to  restore  her  to  con- 
sciousness. But,  strange  to  say,  this  idea  never  occurs  to  the 
crafty  Oliver,  nor  even  to  Celia,  and  certainly  not  to  SHAKS- 
PEARE, who  had  never  contemplated  the  immediate  proximity  of 
a  running  stream  of  real  water  on  the  stage  where  his  forest  of 
Arden  was  located.  Altogether  a  delightful  evening's  entertain- 
ment, with  quite  an  Elizabethan,  Christmassy,  finish  of  masque, 
revel,  and  epilogue  to  send  the  audience  away  rejoicing. 


AUGUSTE  EN  ANGLETERRE. 
LA  COTE  D'AZUR  DU  SUSSEXSHIRE. 

DEAR  MISTER, — At  Brighton,  of  who  I  have  already  spoken  you 
several  times,  one  finds  a  great  town,  absolutely  without  com- 
merce, absolutely  occupied  to  receive  the  voyagers — town  of 
hotels,  of  pensions,  of  furnished  houses,  at  little  near,  a  peu  pres, 
as  Nice.  And  of  more  one  finds  at  Brighton  enormously  of  new 
riches,  of  financiers,  of  lenders  of  money,  often  making  display 
of  an  ostentation  and  of  a  vulgarity  absolutely  insupportable,  also 
at  Nice.  Hasting,  more  sheltered  and  frequented  by  the  olds 
and  by  the  ills,  resembles  to  Menton.  Eastburn,  with  her 
gardens,  her  trees  and  her  villas,  resembles  perhaps  a  little  to 
Cannes. 

But  Monte  Carlo  ?  Ah  no !  He  wants  absolutely  in  the 
Sussexshire  a  town  as  Monte  Carlo,  the  town  who  is — as  would 
say  some  parisian  journalists,  writing  the  french  language  of  a 
fashion  ignored  of  our  great  writers — "  le  feerique  rendez-vous  de 
nos  plus  elegants  mondains,  la  merveilleuse  principaute  de  la  Cott. 
d'Azur,  oil  regne  une  delicieuse  et  printaniere  temperature."  In 
effect  a  site  of  the  most  beautifuls,  and  a  temperature  truly 
springy,  but  a  vulgar  and  pretentious  little  town,  frequented  by 
a  crowd  still  more  vulgar  and  pretentious,  a  crowd  of  persons 
the  most  "  flashing,"  as  one  says  in  english.  Very  amusing  to 
see,  without  doubt,  but  not  a  terrestrial  paradise,  as  pretend 
those  parisian  journalists  who  are  subvention ed  by  the  direction. 

Naturally  there  is  not  of  Monte  Carlo  in  England,  because  the 
game  is  there  absolutely  defended  and  absolutely  unknown.  In 
some  circles,  or  clubs,  the  English  play  to  the  "  wist "  for  the 
pieces  of  six  pennys,  and  in  the  houses  of  the  particulars,  des 
particuliers,  without  silver — "  for  love,"  as  they  say.  But  the 
baccarat,  the  roulette,  the  thirty  and  forty,  and  the  poker  are 
entirely  unknown  in  your  country,  n'est-ce  pas?  You  are  so 
serious,  so  correct,  you  play  to  the  chesses,  aux  echecs,  or,  if  you 
desire  a  game  more  gay,  more  leger,  you  play  to  the  ladies,  aux 
dames.  Eh  well,  the  brave  burgess  of  my  country  plays  all  the 
days  to  the  dominoes,  that  which  is  enough  sad,  I  avow  him ! 

It  is  curious  that  one  finds  not  in  the  Sussexshire  a  town  as 
Monte  Carlo,  with  a  house  of  game.  Would  it  be  possible^ of  to 
establish  a  house  of  game — only  for  the  english  games,  the  wist 
for  love,"  the  chesses,  and  the  ladies,  well  heard,  bien  entendu — 
and  of  to  have  a  "  fairyish  render-yourself  of  our  most  elegant 
worlders  "  on  the  english  Coast  of  Azure  ?  Figure  to  yourself, 
Mister  Punch,  the  gaiety,  the  vivacity,  the  intram  of  a  such 
town !  Figure  to  yourself  the  innocent  gamers  searching  a  party 
of  chesses,  or  walking  themselves  to  the  border  of  the  sea  after 
to  have  played  to  the  ladies !  Voila,  see  there,  a  true  terrestrial 
paradise,  that  all  the  world  would  praise,  without  subvention ! 

And  me,  AUGUSTS,  I  have  found  her,  this  town  so  delicious! 
She  is  at  the  border  of  the  sea,  not  too  much  far  from  London 
at  one  half  hour  from  Brighton,  as  Monte  Carlo  from  Nice,  and 
enjoying  of  a  climate  soft  and  agreeable,  and  relatively  springy 
I  have  visited  her,  at  present  all  deserted,  and  I  have  peopled 
her  in  imagination  of  the  cosmopolitan  crowds,  and  of  the 
elegant  worlders,  rendering  themselves  to  the  english  Monte 
Carlo.  Among  the  innumerable  new  companies  of  who  the 
announces  fill  your  journals,  it  wants  at  present  but  this  one, 
'<  The  Anonymous  Society  of  the  Casmorf  ^thing 


298 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  19,  1896. 


ZOOLOGY. 

"THAT'S  A  PORKYPINB,  SARAH."        "No,  IT  AIN'T,  BILL.     IT'S  A  ORSTRIDOE  ! 


CAVE  CANEM. 

SIB, — Some  little  time  since,  the  Spectator 
published  a  letter  purporting  to  be  from  a 
Ualliol  undergraduate,  and  recounting  how 
his  fox-terrier  has  formed  a  friendship  with 
a  Cochin-China  hen  and  a  kitten,  which 
belong  to  a  man  who  keeps  his  terrier  for 
him  out  of  college.  The  hen  and  the  kit- 
ten, according  to  the  letter,  walk  down 
witn  the  terrier  to  the  college  every  day, 
saying  good-bye  to  him  at  the  porter's 
lodge,  where  they  are,  of  course,  refused 
admittance.  The  next  number  of  the 
Spectator  contained  an  angry  little  notice 
to  the  effect  that  the  above  letter  was  a 
"  forgery."  They  used  to  do  these  things 
more  artistically  in  Oxford  some  few  years 
ago.  The  legend  runs  .that  certain  under- 
grads.,  perceiving  a  clear  demand  for  dog- 
stories,  and  the  ability  of  an  esteemed  .con- 
temporary to  swallow  statements  which 
might  almost  astonish  even  the  Natural 
History  editor  of  the  Field  (if  that  be  pos- 
sible), determined,  with  the  usual  kindli- 
ness and  good  nature  of  undergrade.,  to 
satisfy  the  demand  with  an  appropriate 
supply.  They  accordingly  formed  a  select 
little  club  which  met  once  a  week  in  a 
member's  rooms,  the  only  condition  of 
membership  being  the  production  of  an 
"  original "  dog-story  every  week.  The 
stories  were  read  at  the  weekly  meeting, 
and  the  one  agreed  to  be  the  best  de- 
spatched by  its  author  to  a  friend  in  the 
country  to  be  posted.  By  this  simple  pro- 
cess a  series  of  the  most  amazing  true 
tales  was  given  to  the  world,  to  the  satis- 
faction of  the  editor  of  the  esteemed  con- 
temporary, the  exceeding  glee  of  the  club, 
the  great  glorification  of  canine  intelli- 
gence, and  the  mighty  increase  of  the 
gaiety  of  nations.  "  CAVE  CANEM." 


'Tis  best  to  Give  and  Receive. 

Little  Chris.  Daddy,  if  you  were  to  give 
me  five  shillings,  just  think  what  a  nice 
Christmas  present  I  could  buy  you  1 

[Daddy  stumps  up. 

"Bus"  FROM  BRIGHTON.  —  Suitable 
mctto  for  VOLKS'  Electric  Railway,  which 
was  destroyed  in  the  recent  gale  :  "Volks, 
et  prceterea  nihtt." 

INVENTED  BY  OUR  OWN  ORNITHOLOGIST. 
— The  motor  car-rier  pigeon. 


ROUNDABOUT  READINGS. 

(Letters  from  Mr.  It.  to  his  Nephew  at  Cambridge,  and  to  Others.) 
No.  IV. — OF  THE  GENERAL  KNOWLEDGE  OF  UNDERGRADUATES — OF 
THE  SOCIETY  OF  YOUNG  MEN,  AND  THE   PROPER  EXPENDITURE 
OF  TEN  POUNDS. 

MY  DEAE  JACK, — I  highly  appreciate  the  honour  you  bestow 
upon  me  when  you  refer  to  me  for  advice  as  to  the  best 
manner  of  expending  the  £10  which  you  say  you  have  just 
received  from  your  Aunt  SARAH  for  the  purchase  of  books. 
She  is  your  godmother,  and  in  every  respect  an  excellent  lady, 
and  she  still  cherishes  the  memory  of  the  learned  and  amiable 
man  who  became  her  husband  in  the  only  interval  which  he 
is  known  to  have  spared  from  his  profound  investigations  into 
the  state  of  manners  existing  amongst  the  inhabitants  of  these 
islands  before  the  Roman  invasion.  In  her  innocent,  widowed 
retirement  she  doubtless  imagines  that  the  University  of  Cam- 
bridge, of  which  you  have  recently  become  so  distinguished  a 
member,  is  a  home  of  calm  and  studious  culture,  where  young 
men  spend  their  days  in  the  laborious  pursuit  of  knowledge 
and  the  acquisition  of  all  the  intellectual  graces.  There— -in  her 
mind's  eye  at  least — they  sit,  each  in  his  little  monastic  cell, 
scantily  furnished,  save  for  its  rich  lining  of  varied  books,  and 
scorn  delights  in  order  that  somewhere  in  the  coming  years 
they  may  step  forth  the  HOOKERS,  the  BUTLERS,  the  MILLS,  the 


BBNTHAMS,  the  FARAWAYS,  the  PITTS,  the  ERSKINES  of  their  age. 
I  know  nothing  in  the  world  so  attractive  as  a  pure  delusion. 
May  it  please  Heaven  to  keep  your  godmother  constant  in  hers. 
At  any  rate,  I  trust  that  her  godson,  whose  library  she  has  so 
nobly  desired  to  increase,  has  made  a  suitably  grateful  acknow- 
ledgment of  her  kindness. 

And  now  I  am  going  to  indulge  myself  in  a  growl.  Your 
good  nature  will  pardon  it,  and  if  my  views  seem  calculated  to 
offend  you,  pray  ascribe  them  to  the  crusty  prejudices  and  the 
blindness  engendered  by  advancing  years.  I  shall  state  the 
facts  as  they  appear  to  me.  You  can  treat  them  as  fancies  if 
you  like.  Stated  broadly  ?  then,  my  first  fact  is  that  young 
Englishmen,  far  from  desiring  to  cultivate  their  minds,  abhor 
the  very  notion.  They  are  barbarians — pleasant  barbarians,  1 
concede,  but  still  barbarians.  Some  of  them  can  turn  out 
Latin  hexameters  with  accuracy,  or  Greek  iambics  both  with 
accuracy  and  accents ;  some  are  admirable  in  the  higher  mathe- 
matics, others  stain  their  fingers  hideously  yellow  with  chemicals, 
or  talk  with  an  impassive  calm  of  their  gruesome  experiences 
in  the  dissecting  room  ;  others,  again,  employ  their  vast  backs 
in  the  "  screwing  of  scrummages  "  (pardon  a  possible  incorrect- 
ness of  phraseology),  or  in  the  propulsion  of  an  eight-oared 
boat,  or,  like  swift  CAMILLA,  scour  the  plain,  by  which  I  mean 
the  cinder-path,  in  search  of  cups  and  renown.  Each  of  these 
estimable  young  fellows  could  talk  for  hours  at  a  stretch  on 
his  own  special  subject,  but  his  mental  equipment,  and  therefore 


DBCBMBER  19.  1896.]  PUNCH,     OR     THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI.  299 

READY-MADE    COATS-(OF-ARMS) ;    OR,    GIVING    'EM    FITS! 


THE  MARQUIS  OF  H-L-Y. 

"'  Artns :  Quarterly ;  1st,  an  ecclesiastical  service  of  plate  richly  chased  and 


human  hand  proper.  Crest :  an  heraldic  bovricycle  urgent,  tyred  and  inflated 
all  proper,  except  driving-wheel  sinister,  which  shows  signs  of  puncture  on  a 
flint  passe.  Supporters :  Dexter,  a  full  page  puffy  in  advance  announcing 
new  company  on  a  capital  of  two  millions ;  sinister,  a  dean  complaisant  and 
recipient  sable. 


>r 


LOKD  K-PL-NG  OP  MAKDALAY. 

Arms  .-Quarterly;  1st,  a  review  laudatory  richly  deserved  quite  proper;  2nd, 
an  heraldic  jungle -bok  rampant  under  several  deodars  or  mem -sahibs  or  words 
to  that  effect;  3rd,  a  lordly  elephint  a  pilin'  teak;  4th,  an  argot-nautical 
vessel  (in  verse)  in  full  sale,  classed  Al  at  Lloyds,  charged  with  a  cargo  of 
technicalities  all  warranted  genuine.  Crest :  On  a  charger  argent  the  head 
of  a  publisher  urgent.  Supporters  :  Dexter,  a  tommy  atkins  in  all  his  glory, 
arrayed  proper  by  a  plain  tailor  from  the  hills ;  sinister,  a  first-class  fighting 
man  or  fuzzy  wuzzy  of  the  Soudan,  regardant  sable  on  a  British  square  charged 
with  an  elan  effrontee. 


his  conversation,  are  summed  up  in  the  word  "  shop,"  and  "  shop  " 
is  to  a  mind  what  the  protecting  stick,  that  is  run  through  the 
front  of  its  little  chair,  is  to  a  child.  It  saves  a  fall,  but  it 
also  impedes  movement. 

But  take  an  assembly  of  some  of  these,  the  fine  flower  of  the 
University,  and  start — if  you  can — a  conversation  on  some  subject 
of  general  interest,  and  I  warrant  no  collection  of  ruminating 
cows  could  appear  more  stolid.  I  remember  once,  in  the  presence 
of  some  young  men,  making  a  remark  about  TITIAN,  and  being 
brought  up  with  a  round  turn  by  one  of  them  with  the  observa- 
tion that  he  didn't  know  much  about  "these  old  Roman  Em- 
peror Johnnies."  This  is  typical,  and  if  you  mention  a  cha- 
racter out  of  DICKENS,  a  book  by  SCOTT,  by  THACKERAY,  by 
GEORGE  ELIOT,  the  title  of  an  opera  or  the  name  of  its  composer, 
anything  or  anybody  in  fact  that  a  decently  intelligent  man 
might  be  expected  to  know  about  (I  make  a  possible  exception 
in  favour  of  Mr.  JORROCKS  in  the  past,  and  Mr.  ARTHUR  ROBERTS 
in  the  present),  I  '11  wager  a  modest  competence  that  you  will  be 
met  by  a  blank  stare  of  perfect  ignorance.  Heaven  knows  I 
don't  want  youngsters  to  be  prigs.  I  loathe  a  prig  as  the 
Western  American  of  a  former  day  loathed  Indians ;  but  there 
is  a  difference  between  the  prig  who  uses  his  lack  of  total 
ignorance  as  a  bully  might  use  his  bludgeon — to  prove  his  superi- 
ority and  to  overawe  his  shrinking  fellows,  there  is  a  difference, 
I  say,  between  this  pert  nuisance  and  the  man  who  keeps  his 
mind  open  and  his  intelligence  alert,  who  makes  it  his  business 
to  know  something  not  only  about  the  great  names  and  the 
great  deeds  of  the  past,  but  also  about  what  is  going  on  around 
him,  the  movements,  the  enthusiasms,  the  art,  the  literature 
of  the  world  in  which  he  lives.  Such  a  man  will  be  able  to  hold 
his  own  in  any  company,  and  that,  too,  without  abandoning  the 
modest  reserve  that  should  mark  a  youngster.  Why,  if  a  man 
will  only  consent  to  read  a  good  review  of  politics,  literature, 
and  the  fine  arts  once  a  week  he  must  learn  something  that  will 
enlarge  his  mind.  In  any  case  he  '11  be  better  off  than  the  clod 
who  confines  his  reading  to  the  cricket  averages  and  the  League 
matches,  with  an  occasional  and  probably  inaccurate  excursus 
into  such  humour  as  he  can  recollect  from  the  back-numbers 
of  his  favourite  sporting  paper.  Don't  mistake  me,  my  dear 
JACK.  I  don't  propose  that  you  should  be  a  groaning  mass  of 
encyclopaedic  knowledge — indeed,  nature  has,  I  fancy,  guaran- 
teed you  against  any  such  danger  —  but  I  should  like  you 
to  keep  a  curious  mind,  and  to  satisfy  its  curiosity  by  reading 


something  beyond  the  mere  books  that  you  must  wade  throagh 
m  order  that  at  the  end  of  your  career  at  Cambridge  the  Vice- 
Chancellor  may  place  his  hands  upon  your  head  and  declare 
you  to  be  a  Bachelor  of  Arts.  Again,  don't  charge  me  with 
wanting  to  make  you  a  niminy-piminy  dilettante  with  a  soul 
only  for  aesthetics.  You  are  going  to  be  a  rowing-man.  Well 
then  row  with  all  your  might,  and  talk  about  rowing  to  your 
hearts  content,  about  your  chance  of  getting  a  place  in  this 
or  that  boat,  the  latest  theory  of  the  sliding-seat,  the  proper 
method  of  combining  leg-work  with  body-swing,  or  the  mar- 
vellous deeds  of  some  blue  hero  of  the  Cam.  It  is  a  noble  exer- 
cise, a  grand  school  of  the  simple,  manly  virtues,  and  if,  as  I 
hope,  you  are  heartily  interested  in  it,  why  you  must  and  will 
talk  about  it  heartily.  But  every  now  and  then  you  might  let 
your  intelligence  stray  beyond  these  limits  and  refresh  itself 
at  more  enduring  fountains. 

And  yet,  and  yet  (I  must  sing  my  palinode)  is  there 
anything  in  the  world  so  pleasant,  so  stimulating  as  the 
society  of  young  men.  One's  old  jokes  and  time-tried 
stories,  with  what  a  full-souled  appreciation  are  they  greeted, 
with  what  a  zest  does  the  company  laugh — but  that  is  nothing. 
What  attracts  is  the  freshness  of  the  youngsters,  their  enthusi- 
asm, their  hearty,  honest  love  for  what  is  of  good  repute,  their 
outspoken  contempt  for  meanness  in  thought  and  action.  They 
have  hearts  —  not  the  dried-up,  leathery,  dingy  apologies 
for  hearts,  that  swing  feebly  in  many  a  mature  breast,  out 
full  hearts,  beating  sturdily — and  they  are  not  afraid  of 
showing  that  they  have  them.  And  oh,  FRED,  CHARLES,  and 
FRANK,  friends  of  my  early  years,  and  you,  WALTER,  REGGIE, 
and  DICK,  you  and  others,  younger  friends  of  a  later  day,  think 
not  that  I  have  done  you  and  yours  a  wrong  in  writing  thus,  but 
reflect  and  tell  me  if,  speaking  of  the  mass,  I  have  spoken  in- 
accurately, or  with  a  wanton  malice. 

But  there,  my  dear  JACK,  lyrical  outbursts  are  very  well  in 
their  way,  but  as  FRED  and  the  rest  of  them  will  never  see  these 
lines  there  is  no  use  in  prolonging  this  particular  lyric.  And 
I  find  that  I  haven't  said  a  word  about  the  books  you  are  to  buy 
with  your  dear  aunt's  £10.  But  your  patience  must  be  at  an 
end.  I  reserve  the  books  for  another  letter. 

Your  affectionate  uncle,          ROBERT  Ror/NDABOTrr. 

A  SLIGHT  DIFFERENCE  OF  CONSTITUTION. — England  suffers  from 
the  Poor  laws  and  the  Transvaal  from  the  Boer  laws. 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [DJCCBMBKB  19.  1896. 


Dreary  Counsel  (in  the  course  of  an  hour's  oration).   "GENTLEMEN,  YOU  CANNOT  CLOSE 
YOUR  EYES — MY  LORD  CANNOT  CLOSE  HIS — TO  THIS  IMPORTANT  FACT  !  " 


DARBY  JONES  ON  HORSE  SALES    WITH 
VARIATIONS. 

HONOURED  SIR, — It  cannot  be  said  that 
those  Noblemen  and  Gentlemen  who  made 
Newmarket  the  mart  for  the  disposal  of 
their  equine  treasures  were  as  a  rule  re- 
warded by  high  prices  for  their  four-legged 
wares.  I  suppose  that  the  days  are  no 
more  when  hundreds  would  fly  about  the 
Ring  with  the  ease  and  agility  of  a  ball  on 
a  lawn-tennis  court.  We  need  not  beg  the 
God  of  Memory  to  carry  us  back  to  the 
palmy  era  of  the  Marquis  of  HASTINGS  and 
the  Duke  of  HAMILTON  in  order  to  recall 
some  glorious  instances  of  speculation  in 
that  Horseflesh  which  I  am  given  to  under- 
stand the  Parisians  prefer  to  Beefsteaks. 
And  how  many  of  the  high-priced  Yearling 
Darlings  of  the  Hammer  have  we  not  seen, 
as  Time  wings  on,  disappear  with  forgotten 
or  dishonoured  names,  and  vanish  into  that 
Siberian  Gloom  which  shrouds  unfortunate 
quadrupeds  and  unlucky  bipeds  alike  ?  And 
even  the  Winner  of  the  Azure  Ribbon  of 
the  Turf  may  in  his  old  age  earn  a  precari- 
ous livelihood  between  the  shafts  of  a 
"  showful "  or  "  growler,"  just  as  it  would 
not  surprise  me,  in  these  Radical  decades, 
to  come  across  a  once  proud  Prime  Minis- 
ter dispensing  cups  of  dubious  Mocha  in 
the  early  morning  at  the  top  of  St.  Mar- 
tin's Lane  to  vagrants  who  could  not 
muster  up  a  Parliamentary  Vote  among 
them. 

Well,  Sir,  I  am  the  owner  of  a  Cat, 
whose  ancestors  once  sported  in  the  Palace 
of  the  Shah.  His  coat  is  as  splendid  as 
the  garments  of  that  Potentate,  his  voice 
is  as  musical  as  that  of  the  bard  who 
hymned  Lalla  Rookh,  and  his  food  is  the 
choicest  meat  procurable  on  a  skewer.  It 
so  happened  that  the  long-time  purveyor 
of  these  viands  recently  disposed  of  his 
business,  and  retired  to  a  pretty  marine 
villa  —  after  leaving  a  card  begging  his 
customers  to  patronise  his  successor.  It 
so  happened  that  I  was  looking  out  of 
the  window  when  this  Ambulant  Purveyor 
called  for  the  first  time.  Great  Wizard  of 
the  North !  I  knew  him  in  a  minute.  It 
was  the  Man  who  was  to  have  been  Pre- 
mier at  St.  Stephen's  and  Conqueror  at 
Epsom !  This  was  his  only  connection 
with  horseflesh  now.  I  have  since  always 


avoided  harrowing  the  Past,  and  preserved 
a  strict  Incognito,  but  Liberal  Treatment 
and  Pints  of  Ale  when  he  calls  are  and 
ever  shall  be  His. 

But  to  return  to  my  Southdowns  or 
Sales.  I  fancy  that  the  indifferent  barter 
of  Racers  for  Cash  at  Newmarket  must  not 
be  ascribed  to  want  of  either  native  prin- 
cipal or  interest.  Uneasy  moments  in 
the  Realm  of  King  BARNEY  BARNATO,  the 
scattering  of  myriad  Greenbacks  over 
"  Sound  Money "  across  the  whale  pond, 
the  ceaseless  victories  of  General  WEYLER 
in  the  Isle  of  Partagas,  the  absence  of 
speculators  from  the  Land  of  the  Corn- 
stalk and  the  Kangaroo,  the  closing  of 
Count  LEHNDORFF'S  purse  strings,  and, 
may  I  add,  the  present  sway  of  the  all- 
absorbing  Bike  and  the  Coming  of  the 
Motor — all  combined  to  reduce  the  hopes 
of  the  Seller  to  the  desires  of  the  Bwyer. 
Sir  J.  B.  MAPLK,  M.P.,  has  certainly 
picked  up  one  bargain  from  Blankney  in 
the  daughter  of  the  ever-illustrious  Her- 
mit. No  one  knows  better.  I  take  it,  than 
Sir  J.  B.  the  value  of  an  Alarming  Sacri- 
fice. But  without  Foreigners  or  Colonials 
such  gatherings  are  always  devoid  of  the 
sensation  so  dear  to  the  Master  of  the 
Ceremonies.  A  rouble-glutted  Russian  or 
a  mark-laden  German  produces  the  same 
effect  as  do  the  ardent  glances  of  Phoebus 
Apollo  on  the  lively  quicksilver  of  a 
Thermometer.  Therefore  a  specimen  or 
two  should  always  be  secured,  even  if  their 
travelling  expenses  be  paid,  in  the^  opinion 
of  Your  loyal  and  humble  adviser, 
DARBY  JONES. 

P.S. — You  are  perfectly  Ovidian  in  your 
disguises.  The  Lovely  Lady,  despite  the 
rich  Lyons  silk  muffler  wrapped  about  your 
mouth,  recognised  you  at  once  in  the  In- 
truder who  on  Wednesday  night  thrust  his 
head  into  the  Cabinet  Particulier  at  a  cer- 
tain restaurant,  where  we  were  enjoying 
supper  for  two.  Beware,  honoured  Sir, 
beware  I  D.  J. 

[DARBY  JONES  is  evidently  qualifying  himself 
for  Hanwell,  while  dissipating  the  proceeds  of  his 
successful  wagering.  "We  do  not  know  to  what  he 
refers,  but  we  may  tell  him  that  a  gentleman  with 
a  thick  stick  has  anxiously"  inquired  more  than 
once  for  his  address.  If  he  continue  his  folly  we 
shall  give  it. — ED.] 


QUITE  THE   CHEESE. 

["  Stilton  cheese  will  shortly  celebrate  its  cen- 
tenary."—  Weekly  Paper.] 

WE  understand  that  on  the  Earl  of  Sitil- 
ton  attaining  his  hundredth  year,  this  joy- 
ous event  will  be  celebrated  by  a  Caseine 
Congress,  which  will  be  attended  by  the 
venerable  Marquis  of  Double  Gloucester, 
the  Due  de  Roquefort,  Prince  Gorgonzola, 
Sir  North  Wilts,  Viscount  Cheddar,  Lord 
Cheshire,  Lord  Cotherstone,  Comte  de 
Camembert,  M.  Brie,  M.  Gruyere,  Sir 
Blue  Dorset,  Vicomte  Port  du  Salut,  M. 
Bondon,  Baron  Wensleydale,  Graf  Pom- 
mel, Count  Edam,  M.  de  Neufchatel, 
Baron  van  Gouda,  Prince  Parmesano, 
several  American  and  Canadian  cousins, 
and  last,  but  not  least,  his  Highness  the 
Grand  Duke  of  Limburger. 


To  SOME  "DESIGNING"  PERSONS.  —  The 
inventors  and  makers  of  a  "  Mr.  Punch's 
ink-stand" — a  design  attractive  as  well  by 
its  subject  as  by  its  novelty,  ornamentally, 
and  by  its  utility,  practically — hereby  re- 
ceive the  expression  of  Mr.  Punch's  appro- 
bation —  and  "  approbation  from  Sir  HU- 
BERT STANLEY  is  praise  indeed ! " — coupled 
with  a  note  of  well-intentioned  criticism. 
"  The  arms  of  the  chair,"  says  the  card  in 
explanation,  "form  an  excellent  pen-rest." 
Now,  this  is  all  very  well  for  occasional 
writers,  or  more  or  less  idle  persons,  but 
Mr.  Punch  never  even  wishes  for  "  a  pen- 
rest."  Sometimes,  indeed,  he  has  his  pen 
"in  rest,"  but  that  is  when,  as  a  chival- 
ric  knight,  he  is  about  to  bear  down  upon 
whatever  has  aroused  his  righteous  anger. 
The  ink-stand  should  hold  more  ink. 
Knights  of  the  pen  are,  so  to  speak,  three- 
bottle  men,  as  regards  ink,  and  not  to  be 
put  off  with  a  thimble-full.  Messrs.  SAUN- 

DER3  AND  SHEPHERD  Will  See  to  this. 

At  the  Zoo. 

Professor  (to  small  boys  gathered  round 
the  brown  bear's  pit).  This,  you  must 
understand,  my  young  friends,  is  not  the 
ursus  arcturus  to  which  the  great  explorer 
NANSEN  refers.  Do  you  understand? 

Irre.t>rexsible  Youngster  (shouting  with 
joy).  Yes!  Yes;  he's  NANSEN  himself,  and 
got  to  the  top  of  the  pole  at  las't! 

THE  DISTRESSFUL  COUNTRY. — "  The  Pre- 
sent State  of  Ireland ;  slightly  wormed." 
This  is  neither  a  newspaper  report  nor  a 
confidential  despatch  from  the  Lord  Lieu- 
tenant. It  is  merely  the  description,  italics 
included,  of  Lot  351  in  the  catalogue  of  a 
sale  of  books  by  Jthose  unconscious  hu- 
morists Messrs.  SOTHEBY,  WILKINSON,  of 
Wellington  Street,  W.C. 

At  the  Ascot  Ball  in  the  Grand  Stand. 

Captain  Splasher.  'Krect  card  full  up, 
Lady  HIUKY? 

Lady  Hilary.  No.  I  can  accommodate 
you  with  a  galop  up  to  the  Royal  Inclo- 
sure.  

A  SCOTCH  BULL.— The  learned  but  not 
very  lucid  book-reviewer  of  Blaclcwood  says 
Archbishop  MAGEE  "was  born  two  years 
younger  than  the  Queen."  At  what  age 
does  he  suppose  Her  Majesty  was  born  ? 

SUGGESTION  TO  MR.  FRANKFORT  MOORE. 
— A  new  novel  entitled  A  Bird  in  the 
Hand,  by  the  author  of  Two  in  the  Bush. 
So  evident,  that  most  likely  he  has  the 
matter  in  hand  already. 


DECEMBER  26,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


301 


NEW  SPORTING  DICTIONARY  "OF  FAMILIAR  LATIN  PHRASES. 

EXEUNT  OMNES.    (THEY  ALL  GO  OFF.) 


HAEEY'S  OWN  HOLIDAY  LETTEE. 

DEAR  PARIENTS, 

I  'm  happy  to  tell  you  ( I  am  ! 
And  "  happiness "  here  is  my  own  "  real 

jam," 

And  not  old  McWollupum' s  annual  treacle, 
Or    mawkish    molasses    of     clammy     old 

Crealcle !) 
That  term  's  at  an  end !     (Ah !  and  ain't 

I  just  glad!) 
My   progress    this   half  has   been — well, 

not  half  bad, 

Considering  what  an  exacting  old  beast 
McWollupum  is  /     (Oh  !  the  wind 's  in  the 

East, 
And  our  fire  is  gone  out,  and  my  fingers 

are  numb, 
And   I'm  "joggled"  by  Juniper  Minor 

(my  chum), 
So  please  excuse  blunders  and  blots  !)    I  do 

trust 
You    will    deem   I   have    tried    (And   oh! 

haven't  I  just?) 
To  do  honour  to  you,  and  myself  and  the 

school 
Of   McWollupum,  M.A.       (Conceited  old 

fool! 

lie  will  stick  the  alfabet  after  his  name!) 
My  average  is  top   one   (I  mean  at  the 

game 

Of  cricket,  in  batting ;  and  as  for  the  ball, 
I  have  made   all   but    Sloggerson    Major 

look  small) 
And  if  I  'm  not  top  of  my  form,  (which  I 

ain't, 
But  tenth,)  I  do  hope  (though  the  hope's 

precious  faint) 
To  do  better  next  term.     (This  one  has 

been  a  twister. 
But    Bolderson    says    that    hvs    beautiful 

sister — 
Oh,  isn't  she  scrumptious? — declares  that 

my  "  form  " 

VOL.  oxi. 


As  bow  in  our  boat  is  A  1.)     It  will  warm 
Your  parential  buzzums.     (Oh  well,  scratch 

that  out ! 
Saps  so  fuss  about  spellin'  and  style!)     But 

no  doubt 
You  will  mark  much  improvement  in — oh, 

lots  o'  ways, 
In  your  dutiful  son,  but  you  know  that 

self  praise 
Is  no  recomendation.     (Should    that   have 

two  c's, 
Or  two  m's?    English  spellin 's  a  horrible 

tease. 
It 's  just  like  playing  cricket  without  any 

laws  !) 
Hope  this  weather  will  last,  and  that  no 

beastly  thaws 
Will  hunnick  up  skating!     (That   word's 

from  the  Greek. 
,Tu  says  give  the  root !  But  what  thunderin' 

cheek! 
As  if  you  didn't  know,  dear  papa!  Well, 

I  think 

I  need  not  scribble  more,  and  this  bother- 
ing ink 
Is  as  thick  as  old  boots.     Oh !  the  holidays 

last 
(If  you  must  call  it  lasting,  they  do  go  so 

fast!) 
Till  the  fourteenth  of  Feb.  when  we  boys 

must  resume 
Our  studies  (wuss  luck!).     I  feel  quite  in 

a  fume 
To  see  your  dear  faces,  and  "Spot,"  the 

new  colt, 
And    Mary,    and   mother's   mince-pies.     I 

could  bolt 
To-night,  but  for  Wollupum's  watchfulness. 

Well! 

Hooray  for  the  holidays !     I  've  lots  to  tell, 
But   oh  I   bother  writing  it.     Good   news 

will  tarry, 
So  au  reservoir!    Your  affectionate 

HARRY. 


ON  Y  EEVIENT  TOUJOUES. 

(A  Christmas  Letter — with  reflections. ) 

DEAR  NANOY,  as  in  days  of  old, 

I'm  sending  you  a  Christmas-box — 
If  you  will  let  me  make  BO  bold — 

Containing  French  assorted  "  chocs." 
All  girls  are  fond  of  chocs,  they  say. 

And    sweets    and    such     unwholesome 

messes — 
(How  many  boxes,  in  my  day, 

I  've  sent  to — various  addresses !) 

"Sweets  to   the   sweet" — you   know   the 
rule— 

I  think  it 's  been  applied  before 
By  me  (and  many  another  fool) 

To  you  (and  other  girls  galore). 
Sweet  tooth  sweet  temper,  too,  you  know, 

So  don't  be  cross  or  supercilious, 
Sweets  never  used  to  make  you  so, 

Or  anything  but  pleased.     (Or  bilious.) 
So  please  accept  my  Christmas  gift — 

I  think  you  will — for  Auld  Lang  Syne ! 
(That  dear  old  tag !     It 's  given  a  lift 

To  similar  anneals  of  mine !) 
For  years  our  friendship  we  have  nursed 

(Love's  dangerous  pitfall   lightly  skirt- 
ing), 
And  I  am  grateful.     (NANOY  first 

Taught  me  the  gentle  art  of  flirting.) 
I  've  not  forgotten  yet — have  you  ? — 

One  jolly  Christmas  at  the  Hall, 
Those  old  charades,  the  skating,  too, 

And  Twelfth  Night   and  the    servants' 

ball; 
The  holly  wreaths — we  made  a  pile, 

I  helped  you  with  the  decorations, 
And  pricked  my  fingers  with  a  smile — 

(And  sotto  voce  objurgations) . 
Ah,  well,  since  then  we've  had  onr  fling, 

(Perhaps  we  Ve  neither  taken  hurt) , 
But,  NANCY,  was  it  quite  the  thi^nr 

To  accuse  me  now  sf  being  a  flirt? 
It  may  be  so  (it  is,  by  Jove !) 

But  I  confess,  it  raised  my  mettle 
To  bear  you  say  so !     (On  the  stove 

The  pot  likewise  maligns  the  kettle. 
Perhaps  that 's  better  left  unsaid — 

I  won't  retort !)     Of  course  I  know 
You  're  all  that 's  good,  a  model  maid — 

Whilst  I'm  a  gay  Tjothario. 
Ypt  let  the  butterfly  live  Ms  day, 

Sweet  sins  from  evpry  flower  nuaffine; — 
Don't  break  him  on  the  wheel.  I  nray ! 

(I  wonder  if  she  '11  see  I  'm  chaffing.) 

At  any  rate,  he 's  sending  you 

Good  wishes — ill  expressed,  but  still 
His  best  eood  wishes  (so  I  do !) — 

With  kind  resrards  or — what  you  will, 
Yours  ever — (There's  my  autograph. 

"  Yours  ever  "  mipht  mean  much .    I  fancy 
Just  now  it  means  I'm  more  than  half 

In  love  again  with  you,  dear  NANCY  !) 


An  Alphabetical  Problem  Solved. 

I  ASKED  at  this  glad  season, 

Why  your  love  I  once  thought  true  P 
And  at  last  I  know  the  reason 

That  I  fancied  Y  was  U. 


THE  TRTIE  METHOD  OF  ENJOYING  A 
SKATE  (from  our  own  gastronomist). — Au 
beurre  noir. 

To  REJECTED  CONTRIBUTORS.  —  "Chest- 
nuts "  are  now  in  season,  but  Mr.  Punah 
declares  he  is  not  "taking  any." 


THE   GREAT   INTERNATIONAL   DISH  THIS 
CHRISTMAS. — Turkey  stuffed  with  promises. 


302 


PUNCH,     OR     THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI.  [DECEMBER  26,  1896. 


NEW    IRISH    DUET. 

Small  Irish  Farmer  and  Noble  Landlord  sing — 

LANDLORD  AND  TENANT,  THOUGH  CAT  AND  DOG,  WE 
ARE  BOTH  OP  ONE  MIND  WHEN  WE  WANT  £  S.  D." 


fLord  CASTLETOWN,  at  the  meeting  held  in  Cork,  December  12,  to  consider  the  report  of  the  Eoyal  Commission  on  the  Financial  Relations  between 
^England  and  Ireland,  said, "  We  have  the  honour  of  sounding  the  keynote  in  this  contest."  ..."  We  have  on  our  side  the  right  of  a  nation  that  has  been 
wronged."  ..."  He  would  ask  statesmen,  inclined  to  stand  in  the  way  of  peace  with  honour,  to  pause  and  think  solemnly  and  seriously  of  what  a  nation 
such  as  a  United  Ireland  could  do  when  her  very  life  depended  upon  the  result  of  the  contest."    Mr.  HBALY,  M.P.,  seconded  the  second  resolution.] 


DECEMBER  26,  1896.]  PUNCH,     OR     THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI. 


303 


SPOETIYE  SONGS. 

Santa  Claus-up-to-date  presides  at  an  International  Christmas- Tree. 
FOR  the  Queen  here's  a  Coronal  sixty  years  old, 

With  a  laugh  and  a  lilt  and  a  merry-go-round! 
With  the  jewels  of  Empire  is  studded  its  gold, 

With  a  laugh  and  a  lilt  and  a  merry-go-round! 
There  are  pearls  in  it  shining  with  sorrow  and  tears, 
There  are  gems  that  we  set  with  the  trials  of  years, 
But  the  Koh-i-noor-Love  makes  all  joy  of  our  fears, 

With  a  laugh  and  a  lilt  and  a  merry-go-round! 
For  a  President.    Long  may  he  "  sound  money  "  ring  1 

With  a  laugh  and  a  lilt  and  a  merry-go-round! 
And  never  JOHN  BULL  try  to  bait  with  its  ring, 

With  a  laugh  and  a  lilt  and  a  merry-go-round! 
What  1  a  picture,  a  drama,  a  poem,  a  glee, 
A  large  box  of  soldiers,  a  fleet  for  the  sea, 
And  all  labelled,  "  For  WILHELM,  who  lives  on  the  Spree," 

With  a  laugh  and  a  lilt  and  a  merry-go-round! 
Here 's  a  true  lover's  knout,  of  a  Muscovite  make, 

With  a  laugh  and  a  lilt  and  a  merry-go-round! 
Madame  France  will  the  delicate  offering  take, 

With  a  laugh  and  a  lilt  and  a  merry-go-round! 
And  lo !  here 's  another  gift  lettered  "  with  care," 
The  Box  of  Pandora,  I  vow  and  declare  1 
But  of  raising  the  lid  let  fair  Madame  beware, 

With  a  laugh  and  a  lilt  and  a  merry-go-round! 
"For  the  CZAR  1 "  runs  this  legend  in  letters  of  white, 

With  a  laugh  and  a  lilt  and  a  merry-go-round! 
On  a  card  that  should  make  European  delight, 

With  a  laugh  and  a  lilt  and  a  merry-go-round! 
'Tis  a  Dove  that  has  nestled  a  fierce  bear  beside, 
He  surveys  her  with  ardour  and  courage  and  pride, 
So  the  Peace  of  the  World  is  the  Autocrat's  bride, 

With  a  laugh  and  a  lilt  and  a  merry-go-round! 

It  is  here !    I  must  give  it  to  whom  it  belongs, 

With  no  laugh  and  no  lilt  and  no  merry-go-round! 

A  Chaplet  of  Horrors,  a  Garland  of  Wrongs, 

With  no  laugh  and  no  lilt  and  no  merry-go-round! 

It  is  bound  fast  with  ribbon  of  funeral  black 

That  betokens  the  sword,  and  the  scourge,  and  the  rack. 

"For  the  SULTAN!"  but  with  it  there's  gaping  the  Sack, 
With  a  laugh  and  a  lilt  and  a  merry-go-round! 

"For  Italy,"  MENELEK'S  "Peacemaking  Rope," 

With  a  laugh  and  a  lilt  and  a  merry-go-round! 
"  For  Austria,"  packets  of  "  Bosnian  Soap," 

With  a  laugh  and  a  lilt  and  a  merry-go-round! 
"  For  Spain ! "  a  new  brand  of  Havana  cigar, 
With  a  quick,  certain  cure  for  Manilla  catarrh, 
And  for  Egypt  the  game  of  "Be  just  as  we  are," 

With  a  laugh  and  a  lilt  and  a  merry-go-round! 

"  For  our  Premier,"  a  glove  that 's  of  velvet  and  steel, 

With  a  laugh  and  a  lilt  and  a  merry-go-round! 
"  For  the  Hermit  of  Ha'rden  "  new  lines  for  his  reel, 

With  a  laugh  and  a  lilt  and  a  merry-go-round! 
Here  's  a  present  for  "  ARTHUR,"  of  "  Office  Long  Lease," 
Here 's  another  for  "  JOB,"  "  British  Empire  Increase," 
And  for  HARCOURT  a  sauce  for  both  ganders  and  geese, 

With  a  laugh  and  a  lilt  and  a  merry-go-round! 
While  there  're  those  to  be  found 
Who  re-echo  the  sound 
Of  this  gift  to  the  Mill-i-on— "  Plenty  and  Peace!  " 

With  a  laugh  and  a  lilt  and  a  merry-go-round! 


How  the  Earthquake  took"  Some  People. 
Mrs.  Joskin   (at  5.35  A.M.,  December  17).  There 


you    are, 


HENRY  ADOLPHUS,   as  usual,  shaking  all  the  furniture  about, 
coming  to  bed  at  these  wicked  and  pernicious  hours. 

(And  although  HENRY  ADOLPHUS  had  been  slumbering  by  her 
side  since  midnight,  Mrs.  J.,  even  now,  will  have  none  of  the 
English  Earthquake  theory.) 


Short  but  not  Sweet. 
Occasionally-Rejected    Contributor    (to    Mr. 


J).   I    suppose    your    occupation 
jokes,  eh 

Mr.  P.'a  Editor.  1  cut  yours. 
too  long. 


P-nch's   Editor, 
is    always    cutting 


You  generally  send  'em  in 
[Exit  rejected  one. 


SONGS    AND    THEIR    SINGERS.     No.   IV. 

Carol  Singers : — 

"  OH,    EEST  YOU,    MERRY  GENTLEMAN, 
MAY  NOTHING  YOU  DISMAY  !  " 


THE  CONUNDEUM  OF  COEUNDUM. 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH, — I  read  that  corundum  has  been  discovered 
by  Professor  W.  E.  FBRRIER  in  Canada!  The  Echo  says: 

"  The  value  of  corundum  depends  entirely  on  its  abrasive  power,  and  can 
be  easily  determined  by  taking  a  piece  of  plate-glass,  previously  weighed, 
placing  on  it  a  weighed  portion  of  the  sample  to  be  tested,  rubbing  the  mate- 
rial on  the  glass  until  the  glass  ceases  to  lose  in  weight :  the  total  loss  of 
weight  gives  the  abrasive  power  of  the  sample." 

Is  "  corundum  "  a  new  sort  of  whiskey  ?  Anyway,  I  knew 
that  an  exceedingly  interesting  experiment  of  a  similar  nature 
can  be  made  with  the  common  or  Highland  liquid  and  an 
ordinary  tumbler.  Having  filled  the  latter  with  the  former,  you 
weigh  the  same,  and  then  press  your  lips  to  the  glass  until  the 
glass  ceases  to  lose  in  weight  by  the  abrasion :  the  total  loss  of 
weight  gives  the  abrasive  power  of  the  sample  as  in  the  case  of 
corundum.  This  is  an  excellent  Christmas  and  New  Year  amuse- 
ment. Yours  for  self  and  corundum,  HAMISH  MCHAGCIS. 

Whaup  Lodge,  Bonnie  Blinkie,  N.B. 

A   SEASONABLE   REFLECTION  AT  A  PANTOMIME. 

Clown  (on  stage).  Here  we  are  a-gain! 

Sour  Pittite  (morosely).  But  at  any  other  time  of  year  you 
would  be  a  loss !  Yah  I 

[Leaves  the  Harlequinade  to  its  own  devices. 


THE  ADVANTAGE  OF  CHANCE. — A  losing  as  well  as  a  winning 
hazard  at  billiards  always  replenishes  the  pocket. 


304 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  26,  1896. 


JOTTINGS    AND    TITTLINGS. 

(Bv  BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO  JABBKRJEE,  B.A.) 
No.   XXXII. 

Containing  the  conclusion  of  the  whole  matter,  and  (which  many  Readers  wil 
receive  in  a  spirit  of  chastened  resignation)  Mr.  Jabberjee' s  final  farewell. 

Queen's  Bench  Court,  No. .     2  P.M. 

HON'BLE  JUSTICE  HONEYGALL  is  now  summing-up,  in  such  very 
nice,  chatty,  confidential  style  that  it  is  impossible  to  hear  one 
half  of  his  observations,  while  the  remainder  is  totally  inaudible. 
....  Nevertheless,  I  already  gather  that  he  regards  the  affair 


with  the  restricted  narrowminded  view  that  it  is  simply  the 
question  of  damages.  .  .  .  He  appears  to  be  now  discussing 
whether  my  testimony  that  I  am  of  such  excessive  natural  funki- 
ness  as  to  be  intimidated  by  a  few  threats  into  my  matrimonial 
sngagement  is  humanly  credible.  ...  I  cannot  at  all  compre- 
lend  why,  at  his  frequent  references  to  my  alleged  tiger-slaugh- 
:ers — which,  with  shrewd  commonsense  sapience,  he  seems  to 
consider  mere  ideally  fabricated  fibs  and  fanciful  yarns— the 
whole  Court  should  be  so  convulsed  with  unmeaning  merriment, 
nor  why  so  stern  a  Judge  does  not  make  any  attempt  to  check 
uch  disorderly  interruptions.  .  .  . 

So  far  as  my  imperfect  hearing  can  ascertain,  he  has  been  in- 
structing the  jury  that  they  may  utterly  dismiss  from  their  minds 
my  highly  ingenious  plea  of  inability  to  offer  any  other  kind  of 
matrimony  than  a  polygamous  union — surely,  a  very,  very  slip- 
shod off-hand  method  of  disposing  of  such  a  nice  sharp  quillet 
)f  the  Law!  .  .  .  He  is  talking  to  them  about  my  means,  and 
ias  thrown  out  a  rather  apt  suggestion  that  I  may  have  been  led 
>y  sheer  yaingloriousness  and  Oriental  love  of  hyperbole  into 
exaggerating  my  resources.  .   .  .  However,  he  "  sees  no  reason 
.o  doubt  my  competence  to  pay  a  reasonable  amount  of  dam- 
Lj?es  —an  opinion  with  which  I  am  not  so  pleased.     "  If  the  jury 
•fl  jm?ta  gay  sort  °*  Hindoo  deceiver,  who  has  heartlessly 
;nfled  with  the  affections  of  a  simple,  unsuspecting  English  girl, 
^u    WiT     ji      t*lem  *°  award  substantial  damages.     If,  on  the 
°Vner  hand,  they  consider  myself    an    inexperienced    Oriental 
mnnyhammer  of  a  fellow,  who  has  been  entrapped  into  an  en- 


cement  by  an  ambitious,  artful  young  woman — why,  that  may 


I-      -I.  ,  -  .  •  '«?  "Li      «•••    Ul 

incline  them  to  inflict  a  merely  nominal  penalty."  (But  why,  * 
should  like  to  know,  does  a  Judge,  who  is  infinitely  more  capable 
than  a  dozen  doltish  jurymen  to  express  a  decided  opinion,  thus 

Eut  on  the  double-faced  mask  of  ambiguity,  and  run  with  the 
are  and  halloo  with  the  hounds,  like  some  Lukeworm  from 
Laodicea  ?)  .  .  .  Now  he  is  mentioning  "  certain  circumstances, 
which  he  is  bound  to  tell  the  jury  have  made  a  strong  impression 
on  his  own  mind."  ....  Alack,  that,  owing  to  the  incorrigible 
mumbling  of  his  diction,  I  cannot  succeed  in  ascertaining  what 
these  said  circumstances  are !  .  .  .  .  He  has  begun  (I  think)  to 
discourse  concerning  my  latest  offer  of  marriage  in  open  Court. 
What  a  pity  that  hpn'ble  judges  should  not  study  to  acquire  at 
least  ordinary  proficiency  in  such  a  simple  affair  as  Elocution ! 

"  It  may  strike  you,  gentlemen,  that  if  the  plaintiff  had  any 
genuine  affection  for  the  defendant,  or  any  actual  intention  of 

linking  her  lot  with  his,  she  would "   (the  rest  is  a  severe 

mumble  I)     "  Or  again,  you   may   take  into   consideration " 

(but  precisely  what  they  are  to  take  is,  to  myself,  a  dumb 
show  I).  "  Still,  after  making  every  possible  allowance  for  the 
idealising  effects  of  the  tender  passion  upon  the  female  judgment 

I  confess  I  find  it  a  little  difficult  to  persuade  myself  that ' 

(Again  I  am  not  in  at  the  finish — but,  from  the  bristling  and 
tossing  of  JESSIMINA'S  hat-plumes,  I  am  in  great  hopes  that  it 
contained  something  complimentary  to  myself.)  ....  He  has 
just  concluded  with  the  observation  that,  after  what  they  have 
seen  and  heard  of  the  defendant  during  the  proceedings,  the 
jury  should  find  little  difficulty  in  arriving  at  a  fairly  accurate 
estimate  of  the  loss  which  a  young  lady  of  British  birth  and 
bringing-up  would  sustain  by  her  failure  to  secure  such  a  hus- 
band." 

From  the  last  it  is  clear  that  his  hon'ble  lordship  meant  that, 
in  secret,  he  has  the  highest  opinion  of  my  merits,  though  he 
entirely  overlooked  the  obvious  fact  that  he  would  have  better 
carried  out  his  benevolent  and  patronising  intentions  towards 
me  by  affecting  (just  now)  to  consider  me  only  a  worthless  poor 
chap.  But  even  the  most  subtly-trained  European  intellects  are 
curiously  backward  in  such  elementary  chicaneries  1 

3  P.M. — The  jury  are  assembling  their  heads.  They  seem  gene- 
rally agreed — except  a  couple  of  stout  ones  who  are  lolling  back 
and  listening  with  mulish  simpers.  If  I  were  certain  that  they  were 
fellow-colleagues  from  Punch,  I  would  encourage  them  by  secret 
signs  to  persevere — but  who  knows  that  they  may  not  be  parti- 
sans of  the  plaintiff  ?  If  so,  they  deserve  to  be  condignly  punished 
for  such  obstinate  dullheadedness.  .  .  .  The  foreman  has  asked 
;hat  they  may  retire?  whereupon  Justice  HONEYGALL  answers  them 

certainly,"  and  retires  his  own  person  contemporaneously.  .  .  . 

3.15  P.M. — The  jury  are  still  absentees.  In  reply  to  my  ques- 
tions, my  solicitor  says  that,  as  far  as  he  can  see,  the  damages 
can't  be  under  £250,  and  may  amount  to  a  cold  "  Thou "  (or 
thousand)  1  Adding  that,  if  I  had  only  let  him  brief  WITHERING- 
TON,  Q.C. ,  I  might  have  got  off  with  £50,  or  even  what  is  nominally 
called  a  farthing.  But  I  say  to  him,  in  such  a  case  how  could  I 
possibly  have  acquired  any  forensic  distinction  P  To  which  he 
ias  no  reply  ready. 

3.30. — The  jury  are  still  delayed  by  the  two  stouts.  I  have 
just  attempted  to  chat  over  the  affair  with  JESSIMINA  and 
Madame  MANKLETOW,  and  ascertain  whether  the  former  will  not 
accept  myself  at  eleventh  hour  as  payment  in  full  of  all  damages, 
costs,  «fec.  Mrs.  M.  replies  that  the  jurymen  are  notoriously  in 
favour  of  her  daughter,  and  that  she  would  as  soon  see  her  in 
sjates  of  grave  as  the  bride  of  a  black  man.  On  closer  approach 
to  JESSIMINA,  I  have  made  the  rather  disenchanting  discovery 
;hat  she  has  rendered  her  nose  lilac  from  too  much  superfluity 
of  face-powder.  Perhaps,  after  all,  the  damages  may  not  be  so 
very  ....  The  jury  are  coming  back.  Hon'ble  Judge  is 
:etched  hurriedly.  .  .  .  Mister  Associate  asks :  "  Have  you 
agreed  upon  your  verdict  ?  "  Answered  that  they  have.  "  Do 
:hey  find  for  plaintiff  or  defendant?"  "For  plaintiff."  And 
;he  damages  ?  "  Tiventy-five  Thou  !  !  !  "  My  stars  1  O  Gemini ! 
Who  'd  have  thought  it  ?  My  Progenitor  will  never  pay  the 
piper  for  such  an  atrociously  cacophonous  tune.  ...  I  am  a 
done-f  or ! 

3.35. — All  right.  I  was  deceived  by  aural  incorrectness.  It  is 
not  twenty-five  thou. — but  twenty-five  pounds ! 

3.45. — Hiphussar!     Cockadoodledoo  1     A  mere  bite  from  a  flea ! 

.  .  .  The  plaintiff  has  fallen  into  hystericals  from  disappointed 
avariciousness.  .  .  .  There  is  some  idle  talk  about  costs  follow- 
ng  the  event,  and  certifying  for  a  special  jury — a  luxury  for 

which  it  seems  I  am  not  to  fork  out.     The  case  is  over. 
*  *  *  *  *  « 

Outside  in  the  corridor  and  hall  I  was  the  cynosure  of  neigh- 
bouring eyes,  and  vociferously  applauded  as  a  "good  old 
nigger,"  and  told  that  "now  they  shouldn't  be  long,"  though  for 
what  else  they  were  waiting  I  could  not  learn.  Madame  MAN- 
KLETOW did  overtake  me  near  the  doors  and  invite  me  to  tea  and 


DECEMBER  26,  1896.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


305 


talk  in  a  coffee  and  bun  establishment,  hinting  that  she  had 
recently  misunderstood  the  state  of  her  daughter's  heart,  and 
that  she  had  in  reality  been  ardently  desirous  from  the  first  to 
accept  my  offer.  To  which  I  replied  that  the  gates  of  grave 
were  now  hermetically  closed,  and  that  the  plaintiff,  like  the 
fabulous  canine,  had  thrown  away  the  meaty  bone  of  a  first-class 
opportunity  in  exchange  for  the  rather  flimsy  and  shadowy  form 
ot  a  twenty-five  pound  note.  But,  aa  a  chivalrous,  I  refrained 
from  saying  that  I  had  been  thus  totally  put  off  by  an  over- 
powdered  nose. 

Then  I  proceeded,  amidst  cheering  populaces,  up  Chancery 
Lane  to  a  certain  Bar,  wherein  young  HOWARD  regaled  myself 
and  solicitor  very  handsomely  upon  anchovy  sandwiches  and 
champagne-wine,  after  which  I  returned  to  Hereford  Road  full  of 
ovation  and  cheerfulness. 

It  is  practically  certain  that  my  sire,  the  Mooktear,  will  cocka- 
hpop  with  paternal  pride  on  hearing  by  telegram  of  my  moral 
victory,  and  celebrate  same  with  fireworks  and  festivities,  besides 
sending  ample  remittances  for  all  costs  out  of  pocket,  &c. 

So  I  am  now  to  return  shortly  to  Calcutta,  when  my  time  will 
be  too  exclusively  taken  up  with  forensic  triumphs  for  any 
further  jotting  or  tittling  for  Punch,  or  similar  periodicals. 

After  all,  for  a  fellow  who  is  able  to  enchant  multitudes,  and 
persuade  their  intellects  and  reasoning  faculties  by  dint  of  golden 
verbolatory  of  diction;  mere  sedentary  journalism  is  a  very 
mediocre  and  poorly-paid  pursuit  1 

Notwithstanding  my  cessation  as  a  contributor,  I  shall,  on 
arriving  in  India,  infallibly  recommend  Punch  to  all  my  innu- 
merable aunts,  families,  and  friends,  as  a  highly  respectable 
periodical — provided  that  the  munificent  and  free-hearted  gene- 
rosity of  those  Hon'ble  Misters,  the  Editor  and  Proprietors,  shall 
account  me  worthy  to  draw  a  monthly  retiring  pension  for  my 
distinguished  services. 

And,  with  prostrated  respects  to  my  honoured  readers  and  their 
respective  relatives,  I  have  the  honour  to  remain,  ever  and  anon, 
Their  Excellencies  most  grateful,  humble,  and 
obedient  servant,  H.  B.  J. 


OUE  BOOKING-OFFICE. 

SAYS  our  Critical  Baronitess,  who  has  taken  in  hand  The 
Flame,  Flower,  and  other  Stories,  written  and  illustrated  by 
JAMES  F.  SULLIVAN  (J.  M.  DENT  &  Co.),  "  Its  most  amusing  story 
is  the  '  Lost  Idea,'  evidently  suggested  by  a  well-known  song, 
'  He  always  came  Home  to  Tea.'  " 

Prince  Boohoo  and  Little  Smuts,  by  HABBY  JONES,  is  a 
modern  fanciful  romance  for  children.  Science  has  upset  our 
primitive  fairies.  Illustrations  by  GORDON  BROWNE,  who  comes 
out  strong  in  the  ever-fascinating  story  of  Undine,  published 
by  GARDNER,  DARTON  &  Co.  Sintram  and  His  Companions  is 
another  exotic  from  the  forcing-house  of  the  above-mentioned 
Gardner. 

Aforesaid  Baronitess  writes,  "  I  had  thought  the  morals  of  the 
naval  profession  unimpeachable,  until,  in  Fifty-Two  Stories  of 
the  British  Navy,  edited  by  ALFRED  MILES  (HUTOHINSON  <fe  Co.), 
I  discovered  that  our  maritime  supremacy  started  with  a '  d-mme,' 
and  ended,  temporarily,  at  '  Trafalgar,'  when  '  Duty,'  with  a  big 
D,  became  the  watchword  of  '  Victory.' " 

The  proverbial  "  two  "  used  to  be  "  company,"  but,  nowadays, 
it  is  considered  more  exclusive  to  have  an  odd  number.  Three 
Girls  in  a  Flat,  by  ETHEL  F.  HEDDLE,  might  be  relatives  of  our 
old  friends  Three  Men  in  a  Boat. 

The  Rose  of  Allandak,  by  GORDON  STABLES,  M.D.,  R.N. 
(DiQBY,  LONG  &  Co.),  starts  with  the  startling  assertion  that 
it  is  a  sensational  story  of  love  and  crime.  Anticipation  fully 
realised  for  those  who  like  the  undiluted,  gory  romance.  The 
language  is  somewhat  of  the  pure  Adelphian  Academic  style, 
which  is  a  bit  out  of  the  author's  usual  line. 

Butter  Scotia;  or,  A  Cheap  Trip  to  Fairyland,.}}?  His  Honour 
Judge  EDWARD  ABBOTT  PARRY.  A  sort  of  Fairy  COOKE'S  personally- 
conaucted  tour,  following  a  little  in  the  steps  of  our  dear  old  friend, 
Alice  in  Wonderland.  The  only  comparatively  new  acquaint- 
ance is  a  golfing  ogre.  Fairyland  has  had  to  succumb  to  the 
fatal  fascination  of  the  niblick  and  the  putter.  A  giant  of  Butter- 
Scotch  extraction  would  hardly  be  complete  without  his  clubs 
and  links.  It  is  excellently  illustrated  by  ARCHIE  MACGREGOR. 
If  offered  the  book  don't  say,  "  Not  for  Nuts,"  but  go  to  NTTTT'S 
(DAVID  NUTT'S)  and  get  it. 

To  those  who  love  a  laugh,  and  who,  among  the  Baron's  friends, 
does  not,  whether  at  his  own  or  somebody  else's  expense,  latter 
for  choice,  the  Baron  recommends  Kemble's  Coons,  brought  out 
by  JOHN  LANE,  of  London.  Most  of  the  negro  piccaninnies,  and 
the  situations  in  which  they  are  placed,  are  extremely  droll.  The 
artist  is  a  master  of  the  Black  Art.  "  First  rate  for  Christmas 
time,"  says  THE  BLITHE  BARON  DB  B.-W. 


A    CHRISTMAS    PRESENT. 

Parlour-maid.  "I  THINK.  IT'S  SOME  GAME  FOB  YOU,  MA'AM. 
"On,  MUMMY,  MAY  I  PLAY  IT  TOO?" 


CANINE  SAGACITY. 

A  Protest — and  a  Plea  for  Rational  Correspondence. 

DEAR  SIR, — I  read  with  suppressed  irritation  the  letter  from 
"A  Thankful  Parent,"  about  the  doings  of  his  St.  Bernard  pup; 
but  when  it  came  to  the  foolish  epistle  from  Brazenface  College, 
I  could  stand  it  no  longer  I 

However,  my  chief  object  in  writing  is  to  ask  you  to  open  your 
columns  to  matters  of  proved  scientific  interest,  such  as  '  How  to 
be  married,  though  happy,"  "  What  shall  we  do  with  our  bores/' 
&c.  At  present  I  have  good  reason  to  be  deeply  interested  in 
occult  science.  When  my  Aunt  MARIA  died,  just  three  years 
ago,  we  had  a  remarkable  premonition  of  the  fatal  event.  The 
housemaid  was  gently  wiping  with  a  soft  cloth  one  of  a  pair  of 
valuable  vases,  when,  without  any  warning  whatsoever,  it  flew 
into  a  thousand  pieces.  One  month  later,  to  the  very  hour,  my 
Aunt  Maria  died! 

Now,  Sir,  two  days  ago,  the  warning  was  repeated.  Ine  same 
housemaid,  with  the  same  cloth,  was  dustine  the  remaining  vase, 
when,  to  use  her  own  words,  it  "  exploded,"  as  its  fellow  had 
done.  The  most  serious  issues  are  involved  for  myself  and  my 
two  surviving  aunts,  and  I  should  like  to  appeal  to  any  students 
of  the  occult  who  may  be  able  to  enlighten  me  as  to  which  of  us 
is  this  time  indicated.  My  own  impression  is  that  it  is  Aunt; 
RACHEL,  but  she  herself  believes  that  her  nephew  is  meant,  that 
is  myself.  You  will  see  at  once  that  a  matter  of  this  kind  is  of; 
infinitely  greater  moment  than  the  tricks  of  animals,  however, 
wonderful  they  may  appear  upon  superficial  examination. 

I  am,  Sir,  Yours  faithfully,  COMMON  SENSE. 

[We  are  sorry  to  say  that  the  letter  signed  "  A.  SOLOMON,"  of  Brazenface 
College,  and  containing  a  dog,  hen,  and  kitten  story,  is  a  forgery,  and  not 
written  by  the  undergraduate  of  that  name. — ED.] 


306 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  26,  1896. 


AFTER    YOU  ! " 


CHRISTMAS  NUMBERS. 

(Old  and  New.)\ 

[".'.OLD-FASHIONED  '  writes^'a  lament  about  the 
decay  of  Christmas.  He  says,"'  Some  relatives  in 
Bouuf  Africa  asked  me  Jto  buy  them  a  bundle  oi 
Christmas  Numbers  "  of  the  good  old  sort,"  and 
send  them  out,  as  they  always  Tiked^to  recall  in  the 
bush  the  happy  days  of ,  childhood,  and  explain  to 
the  youngsters  born  there  what  a  real  English 
Christmas  is  like.  ...  I  have  bought  all  that  I  have 
seen  published,  but,  except  on  the  title-page,  I 
can't  find  anything  about  Christmas  in  them.'  " — 
Daily  Telegraph.} 

OLD  lovers  of  fun,  drum  this  puzzling  co- 
nundrum 

Well  into  the  ears  of  a  cynical  age : 
What,  what  has  become  of  that  Christmas 

which  some  of 

The  elderly  scanners  of  picture  and  page 
May  haply  remember?      About   mid-De- 
cember 
We  used  to  look  forward  to  frolic  and 

fun, 

To  holly's   red   glories,   and   jolly   ghost- 
stories; 
But  now  all  is  dismal,  and  dumpish,  and 

dun. 

It  used  to  be  rapture  the  pictures  to  cap- 
ture 
Of  gallant  old  OILBEBT  and  funny  old 

"Phiz." 
Oh,  dear  days  of  DICKENS!     Now  gloom 

daily  thickens 
And  sentiment 's  ghoulish,  and  mirth  a 

sour  quiz. 
For  larks  and  roast  turkey  the  monstrous 

and  murky, 

The     horrid,     hypnotic,     and     hideous 
abound. 


For  frightened   old   fat    "  Ma "  a  mystic 

Mahatma, 
Or   other  grim   humbug   will    "  flourish 

around." 
For  pursy  old  pater,  whose  mouth  like  a 

crater 
Gaped   wide    with    a  genial    fit    of    the 

creeps, 
When   it   was    not   laughing,   or   joyfully 

Some  dim,  dreadful  demon  from  Stygian 

deeps. 
Some  Beardsleyesque  bogey,  to  scare  the 

old  fogey, 
From  fin-de-siede  Fancy's  dark  vaults  will 

emerge, 
And  charnel-house  creatures,   with   vague 

vampire  features, 
Will    dnve   honest    souls    to    insanity's 

verge. 
And   all  this    as  —  jollity!    Not   of   such 

quality 
Christmassy  "creeps"  in  the  simple  old 

times, 
When    SAM    READ    enchanted    with    Old 

Granges,  Haunted, 
And  "  Boz  "  gave  us  genial  ghosts  in  the 

Chimes. 
But  Christmas,  where  is  it?    The  annual 

visit, 
As    "  Old-Fashioned "    says,    Christmas 

Numbers  record 

Alone  on  their  covers.     But  true  Christ- 
mas lovers 
By  horrors  plus  cynical   smartness  get 

bored. 
We  don't  laugh,  we  snigger  I  We  're  better 

and  bigger- — 

Yes,     thanks     to     Modernity,     School 
Boards,  and  Art — 


Than  were  the  poor  creatures  whose  un- 
cultured features    . 
Would  break  into  grins,  or  let  maudlin 

tears  start 
At  fun  and  the  pathos  we  call  bleat  and 

bathos, 
In  old  Christmas  numbers  by  DICKENS  & 

Co., 
Mere  compounds  of  snivel  and  horse-collar 

drivel — 

At  least  our  sage  oracles  label  them  so. 
No,  my  dear  "  Old-Fashioned  "  1  your  plea 

so  impassioned 
For  genial,   gay  Christmas  Numbers  is 

vain 
In   days  when  the  jolly  plus  holly  mean 

folly 

To  up-to-date  pundits  whose  heart  runs 
to  brain  1 


Not  so  Pretty  in  English. 
(Three  friends  meet  .at  Monte  Carlo  ) 

First  Friend.  No,  I  'm  not  staying  here. 
Just  run  over  from  Canes. 

Second  F.  And  I  from  Fat. 

Third  F.  And  I'm  with  my  people  at 
Chin. 

[We  presume  the  travellers  referred  to  Cannes, 
Graase,  and  Menton. — ED.] 


OLD  BUFFER'S  BOXING-DAY  REFLECTION. 

GB-R-R-R  !     Yesterday  I  did  run  loose  1 
To-day    pang-wracked,    perspiring,   puf- 
fing, 

I  feel  I  am  the  Christmas  goose, 
And  spoilt  by  too  much  stuffing. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— DECZMBKI  26,  1896. 


FATHEE  CHEISTMAS-"  UP-TO-DATE." 


DECEMBER  26,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


309 


THE  LOVES  OF  THE  HOLLY  AND 

MISTLETOE. 

A  HOLLY  for  several  winters,  when  decke 
in  his  imusi  array  of  ruddy  berries,  ha< 
sent  his  most  tender  regards  by  means  o, 
the  blackbirds,  missel-thrushes  and  star- 
lings to  Liu)  object  of  his  love,  a  beauteous 
AiLsiloioe  attached  by  force  of  circum 
stance  to  a  crabbed  old  Ribston  Pippin,  bu. 
the  bird-messengers  never  brougnt  him 
any  satisfactory  reply,  so  the  poor  Hoil> 
bitterly  bewailed  that  such  a  coy  dependent 
should  be  permitted  to  enslave  his  fanc^ 
with  the  constant  loveliness  of  her  charms 
.Nevertheless,  he  was  persuaded  that  the 
open  and  undisguised  Jtashion  in  which  he 
waved  kisses  to  her,  whenever  the  wind 
blew  favourably,  would  sooner  or  latei 
result  in  some  encouraging  response 
Meanwhile  the  Ribston  .fippin  regarded 
him  with  such  undisguised  jealousy  thai 
one  fine  autumn  he  produced  no  more  than 
a  couple  of  bushels  of  sour  fruit,  and  wa*> 
promptly  condemned  to  death  in  the  wintei 
by  the  Dirtmau  or  common  gardener 
Soon  afterwards  the  Holly  was  visited  b 
a  chatterbox  of  a  Tomtit,  who  said,  "  Mist 
Mistletoe  is  quite  alive  to  your  passion, 
but  she  dares  not  return  it  through  fear  01 
Her  foster-parent.  You  must  therefor* 
take  her  bashf  ulness  at  its  true  worth  ana 
hope  on,  for  you  have  indeed  a  fan 
chance."  The  Jtiolly  was  so  elated  witL 
this  news  that  he  immediately  prepared 
himself  for  a  grand  Christmas  display, 
when  he  would  rival  a  Highland  soldier  in 
the  grandeur  of  his  scarlet  and  green  garb. 
At  the  same  time  he  begged  the  Tomtit  to 
convey  the  assurance  of  his  undying  de- 
votion to  the  Mistletoe.  No  doubt  hit 
message  was  duly  delivered,  for  never  had 
the  Mistletoe  shown  such  chaplets  01 
snowy  pearls.  It  was  shortly  after  thit 
display  of  mutual  feeling  that  little  Tina, 
the  daughter  of  the  Squire,  accompaniea 
her  father  round  the  gardens. 

"  Oh !  how  beautiful  that  Holly  and  that 
Mistletoe  look,"  she  exclaimed.  "  We 
must  have  them  joined  together  for  Christ- 
mas, eh,  daddy?" 

The  Squire  readily  assented,  and  gave 
the  necessary  instructions  to  the  head  ol 
his  horticultural  department.  "I'm  glad 
of  that,  Sir,"  said  the  Dirtman,  "  because 
that  there  'oily  spoils  the  laurels,  and  as 
to  the  Mistletoe,  I  believe  it's  killed  the 
apple-tree."  The  Holly  felt  a  contempt 
for  the  gardener  which  he  could  not  ex- 
press. But  the  bitterness  of  his  reflection 
was,  however,  effaced  by  his  joy.  At  last 
Miss  Mistletoe  was  to  be  united  with  him- 
self! He  looked  forward  to  Christmas- 
tide  with  all  expectancy.  He  winced  a 
little,  it  is  true,  when  the  Dirtman  came 
with  an  axe  and  chopped  his  trunk  in  twain, 
but  oh  1  what  rapture  when  he  was  hung 
at  last,  intermingled  with  his  beloved  Mis- 
tletoe, in  the  centre  of  the  great  hall. 

"Darling,"  he  whispered  to  his  bride, 
"  at  last  we  are  one !  " 

"  Yes,"  she  murmured,  "  how  thankful 
I  am!  Look  at  that  horrid  Ribston 
Pippin  glaring  at  us  from  the  fireplace  ! " 

Ihey  were  so  happy  for  nearly  a  fort- 
night. Little  Tina  and  her  friends,  es- 
pecially one  friend,  who  was  familiar,  came 
and  made  merry  beneath  their  branches. 
"  This  is  seeing  life,"  said  the  Holly,  as  he 
wrapped  the  Mistletoe  in  his  strong  em- 
brace. "  Yes,"  she  replied,  "  but  life  is  the 
beginning  of  death."  She  was  right,  for, 
On  Twelfth  Night,  the  varlets  and  maids 
came  and  stripped  down  all  the  leafy 
decorations  and  placed  them  amid  the 


ashes  of  the  Pippin's  trunk.  But  the 
Holly  and  the  Mistletoe  were  not  divided. 
They  flew  up  the  chimney  side  by  side,  as  a 
couple  of  sparks,  right  into  the  heaven 
above.  That  same  night  the  Astronomer- 
Royal  reported  two  new  stars  in  the  firma 
ment.  He  gave  them  names  such  as 
would  probably  crush  the  understanding 
of  an  ordinary  Board  School  teacher,  bu 
all  children  of  Earth,  no  matter  what  their 
age,  who  read  these  lines,  will  know  them 
as  Holly  and  Mistletoe,  the  Ever  Constant 


WHAT  THE  CHILDREN  OF  THE  GOOD  OLD 
TIMES  DIDN'T  HAVE  TO  ENDURE:— THIS  SCHOOL 
OF  ILLUSTRATION  FOR  THEIR  PICTURE-BOOKS  ! 


A  Fable  of  Vain-glorious  Bipeds. 

A  TURKEY  and  a  Goose  were  once  dis- 
puting as  to  the  superiority  of  their  an- 
cestry. 

Quoth  the  Turkey :  "  I  come  from  the 
peerless  prairies  of  the  boundless  West. 
There  pigs  would  not  b&  allowed  to  roam 
as  they  are  on  those  wretched  English  com- 
mons, where  you  pick  up  your  sustenance." 

Replied  the  Goose  :  "  My  ancestors  were 
those  who  saved  Rome,  furnished  pens  for 
sages,  and  gave  arrow-guides  to  warriors. 
As  to  pigs,  let  me  remark  that  they  are 
known  to  none  of  my  quality." 

In  process  of  time  a  pig  found  the  truf- 
fles, which  subsequently  enriched  the 
Goose's  liver,  and  also  supplied  the  sau- 
iages  for  adorning  the  Turkey. 

This  fable  shows  that  Gastronomy  is  not 
appreciated  at  its  true  worth  by  any  living 
seing  as  a  factor  in  the  economy  of  Man- 
dnd. 

The  Morning  after  the  Pantomime. 

Magistrate  (to  prisoner).  I  understand 
;hat  you  are  charged  with  being  drunk, 
disorderly,  and  obstructing  the  police. 

Prisoner.  Yes;  your  worship ;  but  I  was 
really  ~only  playing  at  being  clown,  which 
he  -constables  misunderstood. 

[Discharged  without  a  stain  on  his 
character. 

MOTTO    OF    THE    LOG-ROLLEU    AT    CHRI8T- 

MASTIDE.  —  Do  as  Yule  be  done  by.     Vide 
x>pical  numbers. 




DARBY  JONES  GOES  TO  ALGIERS  OR 
ELSEWHERE. 

HONOURED  SIK, — The  festive  season  has 
once  more  come  down  like  the  Assyrian  on 
the  Earthly  Fold,  not,  it  is  true,  embel- 
lished with  much  of  that  Gold  which  seems 
as  plentiful  in  the  Western  Antipodes  as 
are  slippers  and  rice  at  up-to-date  nuptials 
in  England,  but  nevertheless  not  lacking 
in  the  Scarlet  Abundance  of  the  repellent 
Holly.  For  my  own  part,  much  as  I  re- 
vere Christmas,  with  its  Congratulations, 
its  Cards,  its  Tips,  its  Turkeys,  Geese, 
Plum  Puddings,  Mince  Pies,  Snapdragons, 
Hilarity,  Inebriation,  and  Indigestion, 
without  reckoning  Mr.  S.  H.  HYDE'S  ever 
joyous  holiday  meeting  at  Kemp  ton  Park 
( where  I  trust  Master  JOHN  FROST  will  not 
nip  the  jumpers  by  the  heels),  yet  I  am 
constrained  this  year  to  forego  these  plea- 
sures collectively  and  individually,  being 
commanded  by  my  Medical  Adviser  to  seek 
a  more  beneficent  Atmosphere,  less  exhila- 
rating scenes,  and  Meat  and  Drink  of  a 
more  butterfly  character.  Yes,  honoured 
Sir,  I  fear  that  my  arduous  exertions  on 
your  behalf,  coupled  with  the  fact  that  I 
was  asinine  enough  to  accompany  a  friend 
to  Richmond  to  witness  what  he  called  a 
football  match,  but  which  closely  resembled 
my  idea  of  Savage  Warfare  in  the  Rainy 
Season,  have  necessitated  my  instant  re- 
moval to  a  hotter  place.  No,  Sir,  I  do 
not  mean  what  you  mean.  I  refer  to  the 
sun-kissed  slopes  of  Algeria,  not  unknown, 
I  believe,  to  Mr.  GRANT  ALLEN,  the  late 
Lord  EXMOUTH,  Marshal  MACMAHON,  and 
other  hill  and  water  toppers.  But  for  your 
Mosquito-like  Stab  of  last  week.  I  should 
forbear  to  bayonet  your  f eelinga  by  inform- 
ing you  that  I  do  not  travel  alone  to  the 
Land  of  the  Turco  and  the  Palm-tree.  But 
now  I  make  no  scruple  in  telling  you  that 
the  Lovely  Lady  undertakes  the  same  jour- 
ney at  the  same  time,  taking  with  her  as 
natural  Guardian  and  Protector  her  Bro- 
ther, a  youth  who  has  yet  to  learn  the 
meum  and  tuum  of  Life,  as  applied  to 
spirits,  cigars,  and  petty  cash.  But  no  fly 
ever  corrupted  the  best  kind  of  pomatum. 
For  the  nonce,  then,  not  without  a  quiver- 
ing cardiac  feeling,  I  leave  you,  honoured 
Sir,  to  the  Barbaric  Splendours  of  Insular 
Hospitality.  Sooner  or  later  I  shall  be 
with  you  again.  Sooner  if  the  Protector- 
Brother  goes  on  as  he  has  been  doing. 
Meantime,  the  Bard  chortles  at  Charing 
^ross  station. 

Farewell,  most  honoured  Sir,  farewell, 

I  'm  ready  for  the  flight, 
And  wave  to  Fleet  Street  and  Pall  Mall 

A  well-deserved  "  Good-night ! " 
The  engine  whistles  forth  "  Adieu," 

The  night  wind  telephones 
"  A  Merry  Christmas,  Sir,  to  you 

And  yours !  "  from  DAKBY  JONES. 

P.S. — I  do  not  state  my  precise  destina- 
;ion  for  excellent  reasons.  Did  you  ever 
catch  a  weasel  asleep,  &c.  ? 

[We  are  afraid  that  our  reference  to  the  man 
with  the  cudgel  has  frightened  D.  J.  Whither  he 

las  gone  we  know  not,  but  we  certainly  should  not 
waste  a  twopenny-halfpenny  stamp  in  trying  to 
find  him  at  Algiers.  Southend  it  a  more  likely 

ilace  of  refuge. — ED.] 

At  the  Bookseller's. 

Lady  (to  proprietor).  Good  heavens! 
Vhat  's  the  matter  with  your  assistant  ? 
s  he  seized  with  lockjaw? 

Proprietor  (soothingly).  Don't  be 
alarmed,  Madam.  He 's  only  trying  to 
pronounce  the  name  ol  Sir  EDWIN  AR- 
NOLD'S new  volume  of  poems ! 


310  PUNCH,     OR     THE     LONDON     CHARIVARI.  [DECEMBER  26,  1896. 


CHEISTMAS    CEACKEBS. 

THAT  the  sentiments  on  the  cards  come 
from  the  heart,  and  are  absolutely 
genuine. 

That  every  account  on  its  arrival  will  be 
promptly  settled. 

That  the  annual  family  gathering  will  be 
productive  of  nothing  but  peace  and  good- 
will. 

That  bonnets  and  mantles  will  be  totally 
disregarded  by  the  feminine  portion  of  the 
congregation. 

That  holiday  tasks  will  be  highly  popular 
with  the  young  friends  of  Dr.  BIRCH  and 
his  talented  assistants. 

That  gratuities  on  Boxing  day  will  be 
given  with  enthusiastic  generosity  every- 
where. 

That  indigestible  plum-pudding  and  rich 
mince  pies  will  be  regarded  as  professional 
foes  by  the  doctors. 

That  there  will  be  plenty  of  cabs  for 
every  one  after  the  performances  on 
Boxing  night. 

^That  all  the  Yule-tide  entertainments 
will  once  more  beat  the  record. 

That  the  toast  of  the  season  will  be 
"  Lone  live  our  rates  and  taxes." 

And  lastly  (biggest  cracker  of  all)  that 
every  one  who  has  arrived  at  the  age  of 
discretion  sincerely  regrets  that  "Christ- 
mas comes  but  once  a  year,"  and  conse- 
quently can  not  be  frequently  repeated. 


GATMIONET. — The  price  of  admission  to 
a  running  contest. 


PREHISTORIC    WAITS. 

THEIR  CAREER  WAS,  AS  A  RULE,  A  SOME- 
WHAT BRIEF  AND  CHEQUERED  ONE,  OWING  TO 
THE  FASCINATION  THEY  HAD  FOR  THE  REPTILE 
WORLD  ! 


A  PROVERB  AMENDED  BY  ONE  LETTER  FOR 
THE  OCCASION. — Moral  drawn  from  the  re- 
cent case  of  Brooks  v.  Labouchere :  "  Truth 
is  stronger  than  Fiction."  "BROOKS  of 
Halesworth  "  probably  wishes  that  his  ex- 
istence had  been  as  fabulous  as  that  of  Mr. 
Murdstone's  "Brooks  of  Sheffield"  in 
David  Copperfield. 


FROM  THE  CRACKERT  SHOP. — From  the 
glories  of  the  more  than  "purple  East," 
and  the  whirling  wonders  of  the  go-ahead 
West,  TOM  SMITH  has  evolved  such  radiant 
varieties  for  his  Christmas  crackers  as  will 
produce  ineffable  delight  in  the  hearts  of 
all  youthful  Christmas-party  goers  and 
givers.  Bang  1  "  open  Sesame,"  and  "  Al- 
addin's Discoveries  "  are  revealed  1  Then 
"  Curios  from  the  Cape,"  and  a  boom  in 
"The  Up-to-date  Cycling."  TOM  is  not 
without  a  sense  of  humour  when  he  be- 
stows the  title  of  "Home  Comforts"  on 
one  set  of  crackers.  Without  such  "home 
comforts  "  where  would  be  the  quiet  and 
repose  of  home  ?  So  many  and  varied  are 
the  marvels  of  our  old  friend  in  the  crack- 
ery  department,  that,  parodying  "  The  Vil- 
lage Blacksmith,"  we  may  say  with  truth, 

"  TOM  SMITH  a  mighty  man  is  he !" 
And  long  may  he  reign  as  the  King  of 
Christmas  Crackers. 

Had  Him  There. 

Young  Teddy.  I  say,  grandpa,  are  you 
fond  of  a  round  game  ? 

Orandpa.  Yes,  certainly ;  very  season- 
able amusement. 

Young  Teddy.  Then  just  take  me  to  the 
circus  at  the  Crystal  Palace. 

[Ancestor  captured,  of  course. 

VICE  VERSA*. 

Master  Harry  (whose  father  is  expected 
on  leave  from  India).  When  my  dad  comes 
home  for  the  holidays,  I  think  I  '11  treat 
him  to  the  pantomime. 


DECEMBER  26,  1896.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


311 


A  BOULOGNE,  166 

About  the  Bed  Rose,  220 

Advice  to  Young  Croquet- Players,  69 

After  a  Hundred  Years,  45 

Amiens'  Song  at  the  Haymarket,  54 

Ancient  Irish  Missile  (An),  293 

Another  Address  ou  Rural  Repose,  77 

Anxious  for  a  Luggage-Label,  180 

Appeal  (An),  28) 

Arboriculture,  100 

Arctic  Polo,  243 

At  a  County  Ball,  267 

At  a  Metropolitan  Police-Court,  258 

At  a  West-end  Club,  265 

At  Coddleton-on-8ea,  120 

At  Home  and  Abroad    in    less  than  a 

Jiffey,  119 

At  Monte  Carlo,  270 
At  Nazareth  House,  288 
At  the  Albert  Club,  189 
At  the  Dairy  Show,  251 
At  the  Elysee,  189 
At  the  Palette  Club,  273 
At  the  Paper-Chase,  225 
At  Wiesbaden,  205 
Augnste  en  Angleterre,  192,  202,  216,  221, 

283,  258,  288,  297 

BALLADE  of  Lost  Opportunities  (A),  70 
Battle  of  the  Bacteria  (The),  159 
Beware  I  278 
Birthday  Card  (A).  34 
Bishop's  Ideas  on  Ladies'  Ideals  (A),  257 
Bound  to  the  Wheel,  126 
Bravo,  Burns  I  171 
Bravo,  Sydenham  1  228 
Brighton,  161,  177 
Britannia  at  Henley,  18 
Briton  to  Breton,  6 
Brunch  v.  Blunch,  58 
CAB-HIRER'S  Vade  Mecum  (The),  181 
Cab  Strike  (The),  225 
Calves  and  Cash,  117 
Canine  Sagacity,  258,  275,  281,  805 
Cantankerous  Consumer  (The),  78 
Case  for  Sir  John  Lubbock  (A),  41 
Cat-astrophe  at  Hamburg  (A),  231 
Causing  an  Eye-lift,  273 
Cave  Canem,  298 
Celebrilet  at  Home  (The),  53 
Chance  for  Spouter,  Ranter,  &  Co.  (A),  219 
Chinese  Proverbs,  64 
Chinese  Puzzle  (A),  107 
Chorus  for  the  New  Anti-Jingoism,  228 
Christmas  Crackers,  810 
Christmas  Numbers.  306 
Class  or  No  Class,  174 
Clearing  the  Air,  204 
Clerical  Tripper  (A),  147 
Clippings  from  the ' '  Guy  Fawkes  Gazette, " 

225 

Coming  Commissariat  (The),  94 
Common  or  Garden  Rhymes,  86,  72,  193 
Complete  Speech-maker  (The),  141 
Complimentary  Conversation  a  la  Chinois, 

15 

Concert  of  Europe  (The),  204 
Condensed  Confidence,  187,  165,  201 


Conundrum  of  Corundum  (The),  303 

Counsel  to  Councils,  180 

Coventry  Patmore,  270 

Coxswain's  "Century"  (The),  111 

Curious  Fact,  183 

Curious  Similarity,  267 

Cvcling  Governess  (The),  198 

Czar  in  Scotland  (The),  162 

DARBY  Jones  at  Derby,  264 

Darby  Jones  goes  to  Algiers — orelsewhere, 
309 

Darby  Jones  in  the  Midlands  and  North, 
252 

Darby  Jones  naturally  elated,  197 

Darby  Jones  on  Goodwood,  67 

Darby  Jones  on  Horse  Sales— with  Varia- 
tions, 300 

Darby  Jones  on  the  Cambridgeshire,  205 

Darby  Jones  on  the  Cesarewitch,  185 

Darby  Jones  on  the  Leger,  129 

Darby  Jones  on  Turf  Matters,  228 

Darby  Jones  on  Turf  Topics,  269 

Darby  Jones  on  Winter  Keep,  285 

Darby  Jones  reflects  on  Racing,  240 

Death  of  the  Dance  (The),  181 

Delights  of  Football  (The),  207 

Dis-custed  Citizens,  124 

Domestic  Bliss,  64 

Doom  of  Dulwich  (The),  117 

Dulcet  Literature,  72 

EARLY  Birds,  137 

Economical  Refreshments,  287 

Encore,  W.  G. ,  78 

Encore  Verse  (An),  54 

En  icosse,  113,  123 

England  v.  Australians,  16 

English  as  she  is  wrote,  264 

Essence  of  Parliament,  11,  28,  85,  47,  59, 
71,  88.  95 

"European  Powers"  (The),  188 

Examination  Paper,  257 

Excursions— and  Alarms,  108 

Extra  Note  (An),  171 

FACILIS  Descensus,  185,  217 

Few  Hours  in  Paris  (A),  141 

"Fifty  Little  Doctor  Boys,"  41 

"  Final  War  "  (The),  281 

Financial  Advice,  16 

First-class  Railway  Passenger,  277 

Floreat  Hova  I  171 

FJy  on  the  Wheel  (A),  29 

"  Folly  of  "— Hichens  (The),  3 

Fresh  Water  and  New  Name,  227 

Friendly  Rifles,  100 

From  our  own  Welsh  Brer  Rabbit,  9 

From  the  Crackery  Shop,  310 

From  the  Diary  of  Paterfamilias,  241 

"  GENTLEMEN  v.  Players,"  123 

George  du  Maurier,  186 

Great  Chance  (A),  229 

Great  Chance  for  the  Collector,  243 

HANDS  and  Hearts,  121 

Happy  Harrogate.  244 

Harriet  Beecher-Stowe,  16 

Harry's  Own  Holiday  Letter,  301 

"Have  I  done  well?"  161 

Hearts  all  Round,  148 


Helios  on  the  Autocar,  284 

Here  's  for  the  Female  of  Fifty  !  119 

Hints  anent  the  A.H.  A.O.  of  Boston,  83 

Holiday  Theory— and  Practice,  80 

Horticultural  Amenities,  185 

Hospitality,  203 

' '  How  to  celebrate  the  Longest  and  Most 

glorious  Reign  in  English  History,"  65 
How  we  Print  now,  279 
Hyde  Park  itself  again,  23 
IL  faut  souffrir  pour  etre — laide,  108 
Illogical  Condemnation,  227 
Imperial  Programme  (An),  231 
Impressions  on  Tour,  111 
In  a  County  Court,  276 
In  Memoriam,  11 
Interviewing  a  Rainmaker,  144 
In  the  "  Fram,"  &c.,  248 
In  the  Grand  Hotel  Smoking-room,  234 
In  the  Midlands,  264 

In  the  St.  James's  Woods  and  Forests,  297 
In  Trafalgar  Square,  210 
Investor's  Guardian  (The),  130 
JEAMES  to  the  Rescue,  70 
Jottings  and  Tittlings,  4,  28,  40,  52,  76, 

88,  112,  145,  172,  184,  208,  232,  256,  268, 

280,  292,  304 
Jump  Cure  (The),  179 
"LANCERS  for  the  Cape,"  118 
Last  Operatic  Notes,  57 
Latterday  Lions,  165 
L.  C.  C.  as  plain  as  A  B  C,  263 
Leader  and  Follower,  174 
Les  Chers  Amis,  168 
Letters  of  Marjorie  and  Gladys,  253,  277 
Life  in  a  Motor- Villa,  182 
"  Light  (Opera)  of  Asia,"  5 
Li  Hung  Chang's  One  Joke,  114 
L'lle  de  Wight,  142,  156 
Lines,  267 
Little  Hero  (A),  60 
Little  Vulgar  Girl  (The),  169 
London  in  August,  107 
Lords  and  Ladies,  28 
Loves  of  the  Holly  and  Mistletoe  (The),  309 
MAID  and  the  Minister  (The),  63 
Manners  and  Customs  for  the  Young,  157 
Manners  of  Older  People  (The),  155 

Maria  Wood,"  117 

Meat  and  Marriage  Markets  (The),  202 
Meeting  of  the  (Harrogate)  Waters  (The), 

83 

Meetings  in  the  North— New  Style,  134 
Mems  for  Cowes  Regatta  Week,  61 
Miss  Twiddy  on  Modern  Shyness,  197 
Modern  Black  Flag  (The),  61 
Morning  after  the  Pantomime  (The),  309 
Mote  me  by  Gaslight,  279 
Mr.  Briefless  Corrects  a  Clerical  Error,  94 
Mr.  Punch  at  a  Garden  Party,  39 
Muggleton  Motor-Car  ;  or,  The  Wellers  on 

Wheels,  246 
Musical  Honours,  195 
Musical  Notes,  201 
Music  Hall  Licences  (The),  201 
"  My  Engagement,"  101 
NANSEN,  102 


New  and  Sorrowful  Lyteli  Geste  of  Robin 

Hood  (A),  282 
New  Ars  Poetica  (The),  279 

"New  Boy"  (The),  287 

New  Cricket  (The).  27 

Newest  Ballad  of  East  and  West,  89 

Newest  Palace  of  (Poster)  Art  (The),  135 

New  Muzzling  Order,  221 

New  Nimrod  (The),  195 

News  from  Nottingham,  185 

New  Verb  (The),  2)8 

Not  Enough  yet,  203 

Notes  on  a  Little  Cruise  in  a  large  Yacht, 

148 

ODE  to  an  Unfair  One,  174 
Ode  to  the  Black  Prince,  122 
Old  Rocket-Case  (The),  255 
"  One  man  may  steal  a  Horse,"  241 
One  Topic  (The),  263 
On  the  Crystal  Palace  Cycling  Track,  177 
On  y  revient  toujours,  301 
Operatic  Notes,  13,  34,  42 
Otium  cum  (also  sine)  dig.,  70 
Our  Booking-Office,  17,  45,  58,  66,  93, 101. 
142,  190,  1X8,  209,  222,  237,  251,  261,  2t5, 
286,  204,  305 

Our  Christmas  Game  Bag,  255 
Our  Fairy  Tales,  216,  219 
Our  No-ball  Game,  34 
Oysters,  278 

PEACE  Congress  of  the  Near  Future,  93 
Pen  and  Patter  in  the  World  of  Sport,  41 
Pendulum  of  Wealth  (The).  )05,  120,  125 
Penny-a-liner  to  the  latest  Sea-serpent,  It  5 
Piano-Baby's  Lullaby  (The),  181 
Play  in  Panton  Street  (The),  65 
"  Plenty  of  '  Eau,'  but  None  for  Show,"  6 
Poetic  Solilquy  (A),  159 
Poetry  for  Political  Children,  160 
Polite  Pilferer  (The),  45 
Portrait  Pipe  (The),  153 
Precious  Pavement,  69 
Pro  Bono  Publico,  1 

Professionals  of  the  Floor  and  Field,  174 
Provincial  Sketches,   143,  154,  167,  153, 

188,  193 
(P)shaw  !  180 

Pull  of  the  Posters  (The),  129 
'•  QUEEN'S  Day,  1896,"  66 
Queen  I  (The),  162 
3ueer  Queries,  138 
Question  of  Etiquette  (A),  72 
Quite  the  Cheese,  800 
RAILWAY  Ballads,  100 
Ranjitsinhji,  146 
Real  Bagman  (A),  249 
Real  Holiday  Thoughts,  49 
Reckonings  at  Hyde,  78 
Restoration  of  King  Cymbeline,  160 
Retirement  in  Retreat,  147 
Revival  of  Romance  (The),  99 
Right  Hon.  George  Denman  (The),  188 
Roundabout  Readings,  9,  21,  37,  81,  85, 

97,  10",  121,  183,  150,  189,  204,  226,  245, 

276,  298 

SAD  Letter  Day  (A),  78 
'  Sailorman's  Menoo"  (The),  156 


312 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  26,  1896. 


Bally,  our  Sally !  289 

Bark  on  Sulphurous  Waters,  238 

Scarcely  Figures  of  Fun,  25 

Science  at  Sea,  48 

Scorcher  (The),  205 

Seaside  Resorts,  73 

Seasonable  Suggestion  (A),  282 

Seismatical  Shame  (A).  126 

Sentimental  Journey  Long  after  Sterne's, 

125 

Shabby  in  our  "  Babby,"  35 
Shows  in  Action,  221 
Shriek  from  the  Shires  (A),  27 
Shyness  Past  and  Present,  196 
Sir  John  Everett  Millais,  90 
Slightly  Horsey,  249 
Some  Cipher  Wires,  14S 
Something  in  Advance,  >  13 
Song  of  Hybrias  the  Cretan,  93 
Song  of  the  Road  (A),  275 
Song  of  the  Scorcher,  96 
Soothsayer's  Vade  Mecum  (The),  251 
"  Sorrows  of— Solicitoi  s  "  (The),  218 
Sotto  Voce,  281 
Spell  as  you  please,  25 
Sportive  Songs,  12,  18,  30,  42,  49,  66,  95, 

118,  129,  1SB,  147,  168, 17P,  1»0,  208,  218, 

225,  581,  252,  268,  275,  285,  2S9,  303 
Story  about  that  Illustrious  Photograph, 

169 

Strike  me  Pink,  177 
Strike  on  the  Box  (A),  219 
Suggested  by  the  Cab  Strike,  209 
Suggested  Speech  (A),  17 
Sultan's  Soliloquy  (The),  189 
TENNYSON  for  Tradesmen,  144 
Terrorism  of  Touts  (The),  167 
That  Fat  Boy  again  I  207 
Thorn  (The),  102 

Thoughtless  Managerial  Conduct,  181 
Three  C's  (The),  ISO 
Three  F's  (The),  87 
Tips  for  Farmers,  18 
To  an  Organ-Grinder,  239 
"To  Arms  I"  V62 

To  Princess  Charles  of  Denmark.  261 
To  some  "Designing"  Persons,  300 
To  the  Enraged  Poet,  168 
To  those  who  love  Plav,  124 
Trafalgar,  Oct.  21,  1805,  195 
Tra veiling 'Arry  (The),  )22 
Travelling  Chinee  (The),  108 
Two  Presidents  (The),  229 
UNPUBLISLHED  Soliloquy  (An),  188 
Up-to-date  Intelligence— re  Bayard,  105 
VAGABOND  Field-Marshal  (A),  289 
Valuable  Find  (A),  146 
Vice  Versa,  27 
Victoria  I  78 
VivatReginal  146 
Voice  from  the  Box  (A),  270 
Voices  from  the  Shades,  60 
WAIST  not  waste  not,  149 
Walkjrie  Collection  (The),  229 
Walled  Town  (A),  191,  196,  216 
Wanderings  in  the  Vacation,  98 
Wanderings  of  Li  Hung  Chang  (The),  63 
War  on  Wires,  ?8 
Water-Famine  (The),  77 
Way  they  have  in  the  Navy  (The),  298 
Wedding  Guest's  Vade  Mecum  (The),  75 
What  is  a  (New)  Woman  like  ?  158 
What  Mr.  Bull  thinks,  291 
What  the  Wild  Waves  are  Saying,  54 
What  to  wear  on  your  Wedding-Day,  60 
What  was  the  Excitement  about  ?  289 
What  will  not  be  said  ai  the  Guildhall  on 

the  Ninth,  2"7 

With  the  New  Forest  Hounds,  207 
"Wonner"(A),  136 
Word  to  Wrangling  Leaders  (A),  227 
Word  wi'  Wallace  (A),  124 
Work  and  Wages,  51 
World  of  Words  (A),  166 
YACHTING  Season  (The),  15 
Ye  Yachting  Men  of  England,  107 
ZOOLOGICAL  Error  (A),  198 

LARGE  ENGRAVINGS. 

"BLESSED  are  the  Peacemakers,"  J63 

"  Bride  and  Bridegroom  I "  (The),  43 

Caught  Napping,  115 

China  in  the  Bull-Shop,  79 

Columbia's  Choice,  228 

East  London  Water  Supply,  67 

"  Far  from  the  Madding  Crowd  1 "  103 

Father  Christmas — "up-to-date,"  307 

France  to  the  Fore  1 175 

"  Good  Business  1 "  283 

"Johnny  Gilpin  I  "  81 

Man  for  the  Job  (The),  127 

No  Reasonable  Offer  refused,  19 

"  One  Touch  of  Nature — "  7 

On  the  Prowl,  271 

Peace  Pudding,  247 

"  Playing  Patience,"  199 

Preparing  his  Speech,  211 

"Seaside  Lodgings,"  295 

Strong  Appeal  (A),  151 


"  Turkey  Limited,"  259 

Turkish  Bath  (A),  91 

Turkish  Fox  (The),  235 

"  Waiting  the  Signal,"  187 

"  Waring  of  the  Honeymoon  "  (The),  55 

"  War  Lord  "  (The),  139 

SMALL  ENGRAVINGS. 

ADVERTISING  Elephants,  25 
Angler's  Gillie  and  the  Worms,  130 
'Appy  'Ampstead's  Arms,  &c.,  28tt 
'Arry  and  the  Third-Class  Train,  181 
'Arry  at  the  Old  Church,  87 
Artist's  Itchin'  and  Scratchin',  109 
Automatic  Umbrella  (The),  209 
Bad  Boy  threatens  "  Spectacles,"  231 
Betting  about  Snookson's  Poem,  61 
Bicycle  Shop  in  Dublin  (A),  125 
Bill  and  the  Peacock,  at8 
Bismarck  the  Wrecker,  218 
Boy  and  Cart-horse,  124 
Boy  Porter  after  the  Cab  Strike,  238 
Boy  who  swallowed  a  Beastie,  17 
'Bus  Conductors  and  their  Beano,  154 
Carol  Singers,  808 
Chamberlain  and  Pitt's  Bust,  38 
Chartered  Company  and  Cecil  Rhodes,  1 8 
Charwomen  of  House  of  Commons,  106 
Children's  Picture-book  Illustration,  809 
Cincinnatns  Gladstonius,  194 
Clergyman  and  Cottager's  Oxygen,  227 
Coal  Carter  addressing  Captain,  263 
Cob  the  Model  of  Persimmon,  68 
Conductor  calling  " 'Emmersmith."  11 
Congratulating  Algey  at  his  Wedding,  198 
Converted  Author  and  Dramatist,  r/1 
Convertible  Knife-grinding  Safety,  264 
Cooking  L.  C.  C.  Accounts.  250 
Counsel  defending  Habitual  Criminal,  47 
Counting  the  Weans  at  the  Station,  99 
Country  Barber  and  Hot  Weather,  29 
Crossing-Sweeper  who  gives  Change,  27 
Curate  and  Country  Watchmaker,  12 
Design  for  a  Faure-poster,  190 
Design  for  a  Statue  to  the  Sultan,  146 
Disgusted  Competitor  at  Horse-Show,  123 
Doctor  and  Gouty  Patient,  275 
Doctor  Bismarck,  60 
Doctor's  Daughter  and  Village  Toper,  16 
Dog  running  after  "  Bike,"  205 
Doolie's  Twins,  70 

Drama  in  the  Days  of  Elizabeth  (The),  241 
Dreary  Counsel  and  Sleepy  Jury,  800 
Dr.  Primrose-bery,  189 
Dr.  Punch  and  Dr.  Jim,  26fl 
Duke  taking  his  Hostess  to  Dinner,  30 


Egoist  or  an  Egotist  (An),  222 
Egyptian  Sea-Serpent  (The),  181 
Equestrian  Bicycles,  8 
Eva's  Birthday,  186 
Excursionists  sighting  the  Sea,  69 
Fancy  Bazaar  Fortune-teller  (A),  97 
Fare  on  a  Highland  Ferry-Boat,  63 
Farmer  and  Insurance  Doctor,  187 
Farmer  in  Difficulties  (A),  192 
Fathers  v.  Boys'  Cricket-Match,  42 
Father  Thames  and  the  Yale  Crew,  14 
Flora  and  Sir  Algernon's  Proposal,  147 
Four  Philanthropic  Gentlemen,  202 
Fox  Cubs  gone  to  Ground.  188 
Freddy  and  the  Old  Lord  Mayors,  221 
French  Citizens  after  the  Ffites.  204 
French  Hunting  Man's  Politeness,  273 
Gentleman  of  the  Weather-house,  156 
German  Emperor  not  engaged,  1 82 
Gipsywoman  and  Pretty  Gentleman,  78 
Gladstone  as  a  Chinaman,  98 
Gladstone's  Advice  to  Bismarck,  2  4 
Golding's  Christmas  Portrait,  277 
Golfing  for  Pleasure,  78 
Grandpapa  on  Tories  and  Radicals.  21 
Grandson's  Suggestion  to  Grandpapa,  49 
Hansom  Cab-Girl  (The),  298 
Harcourt  and  Rosebery  on  Armenia,  170 
Higher  Life  in  an  Attic,  210 
Honeymoon  Couple's  Sea-sickness,  168 
Honouring  Poynter.  R.A.,  280 
Horsemen  startled  by  Donkey,  801 
Hostess  and  Guest's  Thoughts,  245 
Hot  Weather  and  Liquidation,  87 
How  Edwin  thought  of  Angelina,  84 
Hunter's  Mud-Skimmers,  249 
Hunting  in  a  Fog.  21 7 
Hunting  Man  in  Whissendine  Brook,  IPS 
Hunting  Man  jumping  among  Hounds,  228 
Hunting  Man  pulling  down  Wall,  285 
Hunting  Man  Sells  his  Horse.  291 
Hunting  Men  starting  for  Cubbing,  150 
Irish  Dealer's  Jumping  Horse,  2t-9 
Irish  Groom  at  the  Telephone,  216 
Irish  Landlord  and  Tenant's  Duet,  302 
J-iokv's  Peculiar  Coinage,  18 
Jibbing  Horse  in  Irish  Car,  174 
Jockey  waiting  for  his  Valet.  1)1 
Keeping  an  Eye  on  his  Sister,  114 
Kriiger  s  Little  Bill,  242 
"  Ladies  only"  Compartment  (A),  162 
Lady  and  Dull  Visitor,  6 
Lady  ond  Yoke  for  Twins,  288 
Lady  booking  for  Oban,  66 
Lady  inviting  Gentleman  to  Dine,  45 
Lady  on  Horseback  crossing  Brook,  15 
Lady  Visitor's  Short  Stays,  183 


Landowner  disappoints  Shooting  Friends 

219 

Leadenhall  Market  Fox  (A),  255 
Lending  him  a  Hair-pin,  234 
Little  Girl  and  the  Wind,  168 
Little  Horseman  and  his  Grandpapa,  267 
Little  Jones  and  his  Lead  Pencil,  67 
Little  May's  clean  Pinafore,  276 
Liver-y  Men  after  the  Banquet,  288 
London  and  Boston  Artillery  Companies, 

26 

London  Friend's  Walk  across  Fields,  287 
Longest  Rain  (The),  203 
Lowther  Arcade  Carriages,  265 
Major  and  the  Lady  Cyclists.  35 
Major  Blunderbore  and  our  Artist,  85 
Mamma  drawing  for  Effie,  197 
Massa  Bones'  Dance  of  Delight,  264 
Miss  Ella's  Bicycling  Lesson,  270 
Missing  the  Big  Cod,  !'4 
Mistress  and  Wasteful  Cook,  244 
Motor-Car  Race  (A).  i!79 
viotor-Crawler  for  Deerstalkers,  188 
Motor  Lord  Mayor's  Carriage  (A),  225 
M.  P.  's  doing  Somersaults,  178 
Mr.  Pryer  and  the  Inkstand,  143 
Mutual  Praise  of  Poet  and  Critic,  102 
New  Mechanic*!  Easy  Chair,  b9 
Nigel  and  his  Mamma,  81 
Notice  of  Motor- Hunt,  261 
Old  Gent  on  a  Motor-' Bus,  239 
Old  Master  and  New  Frame,  179 
Old  Poddies'  Hunter  climbs  a  Bank,  240 
On  an  American  Liner,  282 
Opinions  on  the  new  Dean,  66 
Park  Loafer  and  Lady's  Hat,  64 
Parliamsntary  Agriculturists  at  Work,  10 
Parliamentary  Regatta  (A),  46 
Parliamentary  "  Victoria  Cross  "  Race,  82 
Past  and  Present  Canterbury  Pilgrims,  lt>9 
Pedestrian  and  Cyclist,  180 
Physical  Transformation  of  Politicians,  22 
Picture  which  must  be  restored  (A),  186 
Pitmen  and  the  Lord  Mayor,  140 
Playing  Football  with  Visitor's  Hat,  90 
Poet-Laureate  on  Turkey  (The),  173 
Poet's  Cheque  (A),  287 
Political  Guys.  226 
Prehistoric  Anto-Motors,  274 
Prehistoric  Waits,  310 
Premier  Skipper  and  his  Boy,  278 
Present  of  Game  at  Christmas,  305 
Punch  at  the  North  Pole,  166 
Punch'*  Coats-of-Arms,  262 
Punch's  Toast  for  Cricketers,  86 
Putting  a  Friend  on  his  Guard,  9 
Ready-made  Coats-of-Arms,  286,  299 
Recommending  the  new  Doctor,  159 
Retriever  and  Mutilated  Bird,  168 
Retrograding  Autocar  (A),  89 
Rival  "  Strong  Men  "  (The),  88 
Roman  Messenger  Wheeling,  184 
Rosebery  as  the  Fat.Boy  again,  «06 
Salisbury  the  Cinque  Ports'  Wa,  den.  74 
Seedy  American  and  Thames  Embank- 
ment, 23 

>i',lling  the  Command  of  the  Sea,  290 
Sexton  and  Clergyman,  251 
shooting  at  Lord  Peciham's  House,  243 
8ir  Charles  and  his  Tall  Wife,  258 
Sketch  of  Cabby  in  Piccadilly,  171 
Sportsman  and  the  Deer's  Head,  195 
Spruce  Hunting  Man  Splashed,  207 
Stout  Lady  sings  "  I  'd  be  a  Butterfly  I  " 

281 

Stout  Vocalist's  Hunting  Song,  269 
Stroke  Balfour  "  Catching  a  Crab,"  2 
Sultan  at  European  Pawn-shop,  110 
Supping  at  a  Whelk-Stall,  68 
Swearing  in  French,  105 
Pa i idem  Leader  over  the  Traces,  51 
Telling  Government  Tales  to  the  Marines, 

214 

"Terrible  "Boy  (A).  118 
Time  and  Thimble-rigger,  132 
Tom  instructs  his  Love  how  to  "  Bike,"  75 
Tommy  and  the  Gary  on,  64 
Too  Hot  to  Aspirate,  41 
Tourist  and  Norwegian  Host,  253 
Train  waiting  for  the  Passenger,  144 
Tramp  who  got  into  Low  Water,  155 
Two  Convivials  at  2  A.M.,  107 
Unchaining  Gate  for  Hunting  Lady,  229 
Under  the  Mistletoe,  306 
Vicaress  sleeping  in  Church,  119 
Vocalist  on  Board  Excursion  Boat,  185 
Vocalist  singing  "  Beauty's  Eyes,"  257 
Waiter  orders  "  'Ash  I "  88 
Wanting  to  see  a  Ghost,  120 
What  Polly's  Father  is  doing,  5 
Where  little  Medje  was  whacked,  142 
Why  Churches  begin  at  Eleven,  126 
Why  he  didn't  call  on  Saturday,  294 
Why  Walker  didn't  stop  to  speak,  118 
Widow  Noggins's  Parrot,  246 
Willow-Pattern  Plate  (The),  62 
Would  she  like  a  little  Puppy,  100 
Young  Lady's  Wild  Flowers.  77 
Young  Squire  called  to  the  Bar,  167 


BRADBURY,    AGNEW,   &  CO.,    LD.,    PRINTERS,    LONDON 


V> 


SEP  1 5 


AP 
I'Ol 
P8 
1896 


Punch 


UNIVERSITY  OF  TORONTO  LIBRARY